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"2022-12-31T18:16:22" | To All BORU contributors, Thank you :) | CONCLUDED | [removed] | IsItAcOnSeQuEnCe | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10004zw/to_all_boru_contributors_thank_you/ | 10004zw | 9 | 1 | [
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"2022-12-31T19:52:50" | Car was mistakenly towed from my own parking spot and tow company won't release my car without paying huge storage fees | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am not the original poster. Originally posted by** [u/dude-wheres-my-car](https://www.reddit.com/user/dude-wheres-my-car/) **in 2015 in** r/legaladvice
​
[**Car was mistakenly towed from my own parking spot and tow company won't release my car without paying huge storage fees**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3x45v9/car_was_mistakenly_towed_from_my_own_parking_spot/) (16 Dec 2015)
I own a condo that I am remodeling before renting it out again. The condo has 2 numbered parking spaces in an *oversized driveway*. My in-laws have been staying with us for the holidays, so we parked one of our cars (a black Land Cruiser) at the condo 2 weeks ago. Annoyingly, there was a dark red Toyota 4runner illegally parked there. We called the tow company contracted to our property and gave them the make/model, color, plate number, and the number of the spot. They said would tow the car. We parked our Land Cruiser in our other parking spot and went home.
Last night, I went to get the car and it was gone! I reported it stolen. Quite annoyingly, the red 4runner was still there. While I was on the phone talking to the police, my wife called the tow company to confirm that they towed the car I called about 2 weeks ago. They said they did and said it was still there. They towed MY CAR! They towed the black land cruiser parked in spot #2, instead of the red 4runner parked in spot #1. They didn't even bother to check the plates, or the model, or the color.
At the lot, they said that in order to release my car, I would have to pay the tow fees and the 2 week storage fee before they would release my car. The manager sort of acknowledged that they made an error but kept on saying that it was company policy for the fee to be paid before a release. He said they would be willing to waive the tow fee as it was their error, but I am still responsible for the storage fees which is over $1000.
The cops said this was a civil matter and they couldn't intervene.
What are my options?
1. Is there any legal action that I can do to get my car back **today** without paying $1000? They screwed up, not me. I have the money but my life is so crazy that I don't really have time to sue in small claims court and deal with that hassle plus trying to collect if I win.
2. They said if I didn't pay today, the daily fee continues to accrue. If I don't pick it up today, is there a way to stop them from continuing to charge their daily storage fee as they admitted the car was towed in error?
3. The lot has no gate. Can I just get in my truck and drive it away? They said that I would be arrested for car theft if I did.
**TL;DR** \- tow company towed my car mistakenly. They won't release my car unless I pay them storage fees. Help.
​
**Relevant Comment:**
One commenter doesn't understand how this isn't theft. [A\_Soporific](https://www.reddit.com/user/A_Soporific/) explains:
In this case the business had a contract that included permission to take cars from a lot and licensing that gives them permission to take and hold cars from the state. They were asked to take a car from a lot they were authorized to and did so. There's nothing *criminal* about that. There was no intent to break the law and simply having the car in the lot isn't a crime because they were authorized to do so.
The State doesn't have a dog in the fight, no one intentionally did anything that violates a law.
The owner of the car is being wronged and a *tort* has been committed by the tow lot. What is the difference? A tort comes from simple negligence that causes another harm. Many things are both a tort and a crime, but due to the licensing and contractual authorizations in this case it's not a crime. It's not stealing to move a thing that you are permitted to move from one place to another. It is stealing to move a thing that you are *NOT* authorized to move.
The police aren't triers of fact. They don't know who is right and wrong and bringing an implicit threat of force into arguments isn't a good way to bury them once and for all. Rather than making a guy with a gun decide on the spot we have a system that keeps the police sidelined in these cases and makes people resolve these disputes *civilly*. And by that I mean in court.
They admitted guilt, which makes this case pretty much a slam dunk, but asking the police to pick sides in every case like this is just more trouble than it's worth.
​
[**UPDATE: Car was mistakenly towed from my own parking spot and tow company won't release my car without paying huge storage fees**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/3yk50f/update_car_was_mistakenly_towed_from_my_own/) (28 Dec 2015)
I grudgingly paid the $1000 and picked up my car that day.
I filed suit in small claims court against the business and owner before Christmas. This morning I served him at his office. Actually, my neighbor's home-from-college daughter served him. She was surprisingly smooth doing it. I was "standing in line" behind her when she did it. The owner didn't know me as it was a different employee who was at the office when I was last there. I explained why I was suing him and he was either really annoyed or didn't seem to care much. It was hard to tell. Before leaving, I handed him a letter from our Condo Board (of which I am a member) informing that when his contract expires at the end of February, it was not going to be renewed. It was surprisingly easy to convince my fellow board members to not renew his contract as they have heard similar complaints from other owners and guests.
About an hour ago, he called me (from the number on my original request to tow) to tell me that his employee "mistakenly" charged me the storage fees and should have just given me my car. That was a lie because the manager/employee called the owner when I was originally there and asked him, and it was the owner himself who told him to waive the tow fees but still charge the storage fees. I told him as much. He said his employee must have "misunderstood" and apologized, which I believed not at all.
He offered to refund the money if I agreed to renew his contract with the property. I said that this was not going to be a *quid pro quo* and that he should do what he thought was right. I told him that if he refunded the \~$1000 PLUS the filing fee, that I would drop the lawsuit. If he didn't, I would let the court decide. As to his contract, I said that we were meeting officially next week to discuss new tow contracts, and that his company would be free to offer his services again. I did not tell tell him that there was no way that we were going to give him another contract.
Here are my questions for this mini-update:
1. If the owner gives me back the money (including the filing fee), have I actually agreed to give his company back the contract with our property?
2. If he doesn't and I end up going to court, what sort of evidence should I bring with me?
3. Is there any sort of implied extortion by offering to drop the lawsuit if he paid the money (and fee) and telling him that his contract wasn't being renewed and that the board was meeting to find a new company, but that he could resubmit if he liked?
**TL;DR** \- Served small claims suit on tow company. Told them their tow contract would not be renewed with property. They offered to return the money if we renewed their contract.
​
**Reminder: I am not the original poster. Originally posted by** [u/dude-wheres-my-car](https://www.reddit.com/user/dude-wheres-my-car/) **in 2015 in** r/legaladvice | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10025jy/car_was_mistakenly_towed_from_my_own_parking_spot/ | 10025jy | 7,595 | 5,743 | [
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"2022-12-31T21:47:44" | My (29F) husband (30M) has been going out with his co-worker lately (23F) | CONCLUDED | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1004j93/my_29f_husband_30m_has_been_going_out_with_his/ | 1004j93 | 9 | 1 | [
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"2022-12-31T23:04:03" | AITA for reporting my best friend to the HR because she got our coworker fired for harassment? | CONCLUDED | [removed] | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10061th/aita_for_reporting_my_best_friend_to_the_hr/ | 10061th | 9 | 1 | [
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"2023-01-01T01:47:08" | WIBTA if I sue my SIL for stealing my book and making a huge profit from it? | REPOST | **I am not OP, posted by** /u/stolen-ideas **in** r/amitheasshole **on the 14th of September, 2020.**
​
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/is9p55/wibta_if_i_sue_my_sil_for_stealing_my_book_and/) \- 14th of September, 2020
**Unnecessary edit because there are just too many ugly messages**: To those who think this is fake because of incoherency, grammar, and structure; it's why editors and proofreaders exist. They're hired to fix the manuscript before publishing. I didn't proofread this, and that's my fault. I like to write, but I'm not a professional writer. English is my second language. To those who think it's impossible to make lots of profit from a one-time self-published book with an unheard of author: SIL has a decent following. When her followers by the book, it climbs Amazon ranking, and that means it's more visible to other buyers interested in the same genre.
I came here not for legal advice at first because I was struggling morally. I needed help, not to have people attack me in private messages and in the comments.
**To those who only commented that this is fake or how I can't be a writer who fail at basic writing skills: if you do not have anything useful to say, please kindly keep your irrelevancy to yourself.**
\*\*\*
I (24f) write as a hobby, and I like sharing my short stories with my small following. I do want to publish one day, but I want to make it perfect first since it's not edited yet.
The unfinished book we're talking about came from an idea that I started to build when I was in middle school. I just finished it last year, but because of the virus, I was forced to put that project aside to ensure steady employment with my day job.
My brother and SIL came to visit me to introduce their baby daughter about 6 months ago. SIL just thrusted her baby into my arms even though I lack even the barest knowledge on how to hold a baby. The baby was fussy and my brother helped calm her down while SIL said she wanted to use to bathroom to pump breast milk.
They left later and I didn't think anything of it until recently that I was told SIL had published a book, and it had been a while since she published. Self-publish is not as time-consuming as traditional publishing. I don't doubt my SIL's intelligence because she is a smart woman, but I've always heard how she dislikes books cause they're boring and drags on.
I wanted to show my support and brought a copy only to realize it's way too similar to mine. I compared it to my copy of unpublished work; it's obvious it's been edited and proofread for fluidity and clarity.
I was angry and I admit I overreacted by confronting her over the phone. She said my screaming was upsetting her and hung up on me. It was a back and forth battle with phone numbers to get to the truth. By this time, my parents and her parents are involved.
[Update Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j53rip/update_wibta_if_i_sue_my_sil_for_stealing_my_book/)\- 4th of October, 2020
[Old Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/is9p55/wibta_if_i_sue_my_sil_for_stealing_my_book_and/)
**New Edit (11/18/20)**: Things did not go as planned. I can't give you an update now, but soon. Really sorry.
**Little update on the apology**: it's not out. She said she needed more time to prepare her emotional state and she's overworked with their child, but she'll let me know when I can have the apology.
(ʘ言ʘ╬)
\*
Thank you everyone for giving me advices on how to proceed with this mess.
After speaking with my pre-law friend, I decided to go the legal route. I reiterated my compromise with SIL and my brother, but he has fully taken her side. My parents warned me that I'd be disowned and I'd be dead to them if I'm willing to stoop so low.
I hired a lawyer and given all the details on my side. My lawyer said she needs my unedited manuscript for the book and my SIL's published book along with the copy SIL sent to have it proofread and edited. Because the published book has different parts changed, my lawyer needs the unedited version which SIL should still have in the transaction she did with her editor and proofreader. We took the risk to ask SIL for the unedited copy she sent to her editor & proofreader despite the chance of having her feign "I don't remember their names, I don't have their contacts anymore, I don't want to, etc." I told SIL that we will go through the route of having to use third-party notarization to ensure no foul play on either part (have 1 individual look at my unedited manuscript and the one she sent to her hired editor + proofreader).
Once I told her that, she must've realized I was not bluffing. SIL and my brother accepted the compromise (I take the pseudonym, the royalties: with evidence of sold copies). I stipulated that SIL must put a message out to her followers on her blog that she stole from me and not a single word in the book is hers. I thank the Redditors for suggesting that.
She is clearly pissed off and disgusted with me for doing this to my own family.
I threatened her with further legal proceedings if she doesn't do it. No lawsuit happened, but I'm glad I got a professional option just in case. As words got back to my parents of what I did and how dare I got a lawyer to punish SIL because her blog followers will surely lose trust in her and future revenue.
I told them and my parents that if they have anything to say, use my business email. I'm done with them. They treated an outsider (SIL one month into dating my brother) better than they ever did to me. I don't need that negativity dragging me down.
I'm happier, more free with my opinions, and I don't have to feel the need to compete with everything SIL does just to get my parents to love me a little more than a daughter in name.
I have my friends; they've always been more of a family unit to me than my biological ones. I knew I was going to lose something coming out of this, but I didn't expect I'd be okay with the disappointment and hurt.
Thank you, everyone. And no, I will not be telling anyone what the name of the book is because I only came here to get a moral judgment and update everyone on what happened. Please don't think I'm using this for clout. The book will not be promoted on Reddit: not then, not now, and not in the future either. | anonziee | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/100938g/wibta_if_i_sue_my_sil_for_stealing_my_book_and/ | 100938g | 6,348 | 10,756 | [
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"2023-01-01T02:55:00" | I (25 F) begged my partner (28M) for an open relationship. 8 months in, he left + UPDATE | CONCLUDED |
[ORIGINAL: I (25 F) begged my partner (28M) for an open relationship. 8 months in, he left](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zre4m2/i_25_f_begged_my_partner_28m_for_an_open/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
By u/ThrowRA_Sleeptime
(December 22, 2022)
I (25F) begged for an open relationship. 8 months in, he leaves me.
8 months ago I (25f) asked my partner 28m) for an open relationship as I got bored with him, (nothing wrong but he just didn't excite me much) and he agreed, but he proceeded to tell me there's a catch, "if he catches feelings for a partner he's going to leave me for her" and that's exactly what happened and I want him back in my arms. He left me for his new partner (28-29ishF).
What can I do to win the love of my life back??
[OOP blames her "boredom" with her ex-boyfriend on her ADHD. She also considers "giving him sex" interesting enough.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zre4m2/comment/j133tx9/)
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zukbec/update_i_25f_begged_for_an_open_relationship_8/)
(December 24, 2022)
Probably nobody asked for this, but here's an update I was kicked out of his house last Sunday, that's 6 days now And I excruciatingly miss him, I will do anything to get him to return to me but he looks happy on social media with his new partner that I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me with.
Anyways I tried calling him, no answer, I saw him in public And he pretend to not even know who the fuck I was He won't acknowledge my existence, so I went to our former place just to talk, and things got hostile, his new Gf hates me for some reason, I didn't even know her, and she proceeded to try and attack me, while he tried to split us up And get me out the door.
When he had his back turned she MACED me. And now HE'S trying to file a restraining order on ME! The hell did I do wrong? She attacked me and pepper sprayed me.
How can I convince him he's dating a psychopath?
[OOP continues to refuse to leave her ex-boyfriend until she can win him back.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zukbec/comment/j1jqdqu/)
[OOP says her ex-boyfriend is trying to take a restraining order on her.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zukbec/comment/j1jwg05/)
*New update that I missed earlier. Approved by the mods (thank you btw)*
[UPDATE: My ex-boyfriend got a restraining order.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10037qb/25f_28m_my_ex_followed_through_with_his/)
(December 31, 2022)
This will probably be the last update, The restraining order has been filled, and I am not allowed within 100 ft of my ex Harry and his new Gf Jess.
I'm planning to move back to my home in Arizona and start over, they're happy, and I just want to find peace with my self
Thanks for everyone's advice and opinions, Yes I was already in therapy, and I am still in therapy Please, anyone my age or younger listen to my advice Tik Tok is not cool, please delete it, it's done me nothing but harm, and other people's stupidity can really poison your minds, in living proof
Thank you, take care! | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/100a9wo/i_25_f_begged_my_partner_28m_for_an_open/ | 100a9wo | 3,227 | 7,901 | [
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"2023-01-01T16:24:45" | AITA for using my special needs priviledges? | CONCLUDED | **Reminder: I am not OP. Posted by** u/AITASPECIALNEEDSStu **in** r/AmItheAsshole **- January 26th 2021**
\_\_\_
trigger warning >!ableism!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l5cz0b/aita_for_using_my_special_needs_priviledges/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) \- AITA for using my special needs priviledges?
About a year ago, my university added psychological problems to the special needs students requests. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and clinical depression so I decided to apply to the program.
The program is strictly enforced and they requested my diagnosis, the date and the doctor. Then, they contacted my doctor.
Well, I got in. I have around 1.5x time in exams, able to record the lectures, I can get help from the program when I need, some absences allowed etc.
One of my friends learnt about my special needs status and then confronted me. Told me since I was stable and functioning, I shouldn't be using the program and I was probably taking away from someone who needed it more.
It's true that I have been in therapy for a while and have been taking medication, my panic attacks are less frequent and less damaging.
She called me an asshole for taking part in a program clearly "isn't meant for me". Some of my friends told me they agree with her and that they had been thinking this for a while.
I am truly conflicted. On one hand, I truly benefitted from the program but on the other hand, maybe they're right and I am using this selfishly. So reddit, AITA?
[Update Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/laviir/update_aita_for_using_my_special_needs_priviledges/) \- UPDATE AITA for using my special needs priviledges?
**February 2nd 2021**
EDIT: Just needed to add as an edit. There were a few people who just never knew psychological problems can be seen as a disability needing accomodations. If you guys need information regarding the procedure of universities or the criteria, I would love to help each one of you. I know how hard it is to deal with this on your own. My wish is for these problems to be seen as normal as other disabilities, without prejudice. The process isn't easy but it is rewarding. The universities usually don't talk about these accomodations so ask! Ask your counselors, anyone in the departments!
Here is the link to the original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l5cz0b/aita_for_using_my_special_needs_priviledges/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share).
First of all, thank you guys for the encouragement to use my special needs status and confronting my friend about her reaction. I admit I used some of your words when talking to her to better expain myself.
We talked, and at first it seemed like she was sympathetic to my situation but after a while, she told me that I was exaggerating and she specifically told me "I deal with depression and anxiety, I don't need the program". She expressed that she feels as though this was encouraging me to be lazy and while she understood there wasn't a limit to students in the program, she told me that I was being 'unfair' to those with learning disabilities by getting the same accomodations.
I tried to explain my accomodations, my need to get more time being because of a panic attack I had during a proctored Zoom exam but she kind of flaired up and shouted that it wasn't fair to her that she was not getting the same treatment. She felt like the university was playing favourites.
I decided to remove myself from the situation and told her that I was rethinking our friendship, not to contact me for now.
So there it is... Not a happy update but I at least got to explain myself. I am also contemplating whether I should send this post to her for her to see other people's reactions but I am not sure.
Thank you guys again! You guys really helped with my confidence in this situation. | anonziee | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/100n222/aita_for_using_my_special_needs_priviledges/ | 100n222 | 3,897 | 8,287 | [
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"2023-01-01T21:40:28" | OOP hates her own daughter | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/deleted in r/TrueOffMyChest**
trigger warnings: >!abuse, sexual abuse, trauma!<
mood spoilers: >!heartbreaking. God I hope OOP is ok!<
---
[** I think that I genuinely hate my daughter**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/x1j4h4/i_think_that_i_genuinely_hate_my_daughter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) - 30/august/2022
I have written here before but I cant find my post.
I was married to a very abusive man when I was very young. He held me prisoner in my own home and abused me on a daily basis. One day he just up and left with another woman. It was like something answered my prayers. It was the first time in 15 years that I saw the outside of my home. I had three children with him. My sons were old enough to remember the abuse but my daughter was only a couple of years old.
We tried to shield her as much as we could from the truth but she knew that he was abusive (maybe not all the details). He contacted us 20 years later when he was terminally ill and wanted to see his children. My sons refused but my daughter went to see him. Her brothers were very distraught by it but I told them to let her be. He died six months later.
When my daughter was pregnant, she found out that it was a boy and she told me that she was going to name him after her father. I fainted at the thought. I couldn’t believe her. I begged her not to do it but she just said that she was sorry but she didn’t have the same horrible picture of him that we had. And she insinuated that I’ve lied about her dad (he probably poisoned her mind). I didn’t know what to do and my sons said they didn’t want anything to do with her anymore but before that, without my knowledge, my sons met with her and her husband. They told them everything they remembered and everything they knew. All the abuse and imprisonment. Her answer was “I’m sorry but I don’t give a shit. This is NOT my experience with him*
I felt sick. The last time I saw her, when I tried to talk to her one last time. I was scared. I saw him looking back at me through her eyes and I was that 18 years old prisoner. I knew I hated her there and then. She has given birth now, and she texted me a picture of her and her son. I deleted it before even seeing it. She has called and texted multiple times. Now she’s saying I have turned her brothers against her. I did no such thing of course but I the partially the reason why they don’t speak to her.
Why don’t I feel more guilt or horror that I hate my own child. I never thought it’s possible and I’ve not admitted it to anyone because I’m disgusted with myself. Life sucks
[** ::Update:: I think that I genuinely hate my daughter. No I’m terrified of her.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/xtw7ti/update_i_think_that_i_genuinely_hate_my_daughter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) - 02/October/2022
Hello again. About a few weeks ago I was here venting about something I thought I would be crucified for, instead I was met with so much support and understanding. I never did thank you. This community is amazing.
I wrote that I have decided to go no contact with my daughter. After she chose to call her son after my abuser (If anyone remembers me please can you include my old?). Anyway my daughter felt ostracized by her brothers and she spread talk about me influencing my sons to boycott her. After she gave birth she started texting me pictures of her son with his name. I never answered her. I also changed my phone number and my work number goes directly to an assistant before the calls/emails/texts are forwarded to me.
The only way she could contact me now is if she showed up in my place and she did that with her mother in law, husband and baby last Sunday morning. She gave me her son to hold and then she and the rest sat around the kitchen table. She was looking at me the whole time when she accused me if being a bad mother and grandmother. That I should get over myself because I wasn’t the only woman in the world who experienced a bad marriage. That I was spoiled. A loose woman. Selfish (all his rhetoric all his words, they talked about me). She told me that she knew why I was doing this. I was doing this because I wanted to exclude her from the inheritance but that she will fight will all her power for her and her sons right. I didn’t remember much of what happened next. I was feeling sick and felt like I was coming in and out of conciseness. I didn’t only hate my daughter I was terrified of her. All I could think of was that I didn’t want to be in the closet again. Next thing I remember is my son in law walking after me in the street with a coat in hand (it was very cold but I didn’t notice I was only in my shorts and tshirt) and asking if I needed an ambulance. He told my sons that I kept telling him not to take me back to the closet(ex locked me in the closet for days sometimes weeks when I disobeyed him).
Next thing I remember was my sons in the hospital. None of them lives in my town and I was planning to find a new job and move nearer them before all this happened. Now not only I don’t have anything here to live for. I’m terrified. I don’t know what inheritance my daughter was talking about either. I own so little. My car is old and my house isn’t of any significance. Anyway I’m selling it and I will give her her share. Make sure she can never again come after me about it. My sons are not happy about my decision but I would give her anything if she left me alone and never bothered me again. I am happy to buy my freedom if it was the money she was after all along. My older son said that she was planning to take over the house once I retired. It was something she’s talked about before. Way before she even met her husband. When my sons left home she was thinking since she’s the only one living in town. She could take the house and start her family. When I cut her off she thought I was gonna cut her off my will too. That’s why she still kept trying to force a relationship with me.
Now I can buy her out of my life. The rest I will put on a down payment for a small space in my new city. Work from home until I can be transferred or find a new job. If you made it this far thank you for listening and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
Final edit:
thank you all for the advice. Seems like the majority feel the same way as my sons. I will need to think more and talk to my therapist. I’m not in any hurry to take any actions now. I realize that I’m in no position to think straight. I’m moving in with my eldest for the time being and I’m try to put myself together.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | None | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/100u9q9/oop_hates_her_own_daughter/ | 100u9q9 | 6,758 | 12,976 | [
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"2023-01-02T05:46:45" | Woman Accidentally Broke Her BIL's Nose When He Tried To Scare Her (AITA Dec 19, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/Throwaway-Row4401 in r/aitah on Dec 19, '22, updated about 5 days later.
TW Warning Cat Fact:
DID YOU KNOW...
That a female kitten can reach sexual maturity and become pregnant at just 4 months old?
The youngest I have seen a female become pregnant was at 3½ months old. This can be dangerous for both the mama cat and her babies. Don't wait to spay and neuter! Feel free to hit me up if you need information on finding low-cost spay/neuter clinics.
Content Warning: >!Sexual Assault, PTSD!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/zq8pcn/aita_for_refusing_to_apologize_for_accidentally/)
AITA for refusing to apologize for accidentally breaking my BIL’s nose and kicking him out of my house?
Some context, I (32F) was r*ped when I was 17 during a home invasion (I was home alone). It has taken me years of intensive therapy to learn to live with what happened to me, and I am now in a great place, and overall happy. I should mention as part of my healing process I’ve taken Muay Thai (Thai kicking-boxing) since I was 18 to help develop a sense of control and self-defense. One of my few triggers due to the nature of how my attack went down is being grabbed from behind. Being grabbed from behind automatically makes me panic and triggers my PTSD. All my close friends and family are aware of this. They don’t all know the reason behind the fear, they just know not to do it, including my BIL.
Now, onto the AITA part. Last week, I hosted a get together with a couple of family and friends at my home. My BIL(29M) has always been something of a prankster/jokester. In the 5 years that he and my sister have been together, we have gotten along fairly well, and his prankster ways has never been an issue as he’s never really directed them towards me. At one point during the evening I went upstairs to change. My BIL thought it would be “hilarious” to scare me as a prank. While heading back downstairs in the hallway, he came out of the guest bedroom and grabbed me from behind.
I lost my shit. In my panic, I elbowed him in the face, which ended up breaking his nose. Even after everyone rushed upstairs, and I saw it was just him, I could not stop spiraling and was in a full meltdown. I ended up calling him every name in the book and kicking him out of my home.
Now that a few days have passed, my sister reached out, stating that she thinks I need to apologize. Her reasoning being that he had no way of knowing that pulling a “harmless prank” would have caused such a reaction, especially since he didn’t know the reason behind my fear. I stand by that, it doesn’t matter that he didn’t know the details of why I was scared. He was aware that it was a debilitating fear caused by something traumatic and should’ve known better. Not to mention that he has yet to apologize to me as I “broke his nose”.
Our family believes that my violent reaction was justified. However, they do think that kicking him out was a step too far. So AITA?
**UPDATE:**
First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone for all the support and wonderful comments. Especially all the comments calling me a bad ass for learning to defend myself and get to the point where I am today. Truly thank you, you all put a genuine smile on my face. Also, all the F around and find out comments made me laugh, which, after all the recent events was definitely needed.
I wanted to first clarify/answer some common questions I saw. For those wondering what I meant by being grabbed from behind it is not a simple tap on the shoulder or a gesture someone would make when simply trying to get your attention, when I say grab from behind think bearhug. Also for those wondering, my attacker was caught and is currently still behind bars.
I ended up sending my family, sister and BIL included, the link to this post. After reading the comments, you all have made the family members that were previously thinking that I took it too far in kicking him out apologize and agree that until I felt comfortable, my BIL is not to be invited anywhere I am. Especially since he I am told is doubling down on that while “maybe it was messed up of him to scare me, it was still just a prank and I still broke his nose and need to apologize”.
So with that being said, I decided that he could kick rocks and I hope his nose heals crooked. My sister and I have not spoken. She sent me a text asking to meet me this weekend to talk.
Throughout this ordeal the thing that has hurt the most has absolutely been the way she has downplayed what her husband did. She more than anyone knows how hard everything was for me, and was there to see the aftermath of my attack. Depending how everything goes this weekend I will take the advice you all have made and make the decision on whether I need to go low/no contact with her. At least, until she fully understands the severity of the situation and apologizes. I will possibly update this post one last time after this weekend to let you all know where we stand. Again, thank you all
**2nd UPDATE:**
Hello all, after a very difficult and tearful conversation with my sister, I have come to the decision to go low/no contact with her. Completely no contact for sometime. She, like the rest of my family after reading all the comments you all have made, finally saw it from my perspective. She did apologize and state that she truly does understand what her husband did was wrong. However, she feels for the sake of her own marriage that she needs to stick behind her husband. And so, in the meantime, if her husband is not welcomed somewhere, she will not be there either.
I will say I am very hurt and disappointed, but that was her decision to make just like I made my decision in keeping my distance as it’s become clear that it will not be possible to maintain a relationship with her without maintaining one with him, which is not something I am willing to do for the foreseeable future.
Almost 3 weeks after the event and after reading hundreds of comments, this man is still doubling down. Even apparently had the nerve to say that the reason why everyone is on my side is because I provided a “sob story” beforehand. He still apparently fully believes that despite it being “messed up” it was still just a “joke” and I “overreacted and I am lucky that he doesn’t decide to sue me for the medical bill that he is going to receive for the broken nose.” Not that it will go anywhere as him grabbing me is considered assault.
I will no longer be updating this post. Again, thank you all for the support, and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday ❤️
*I am flairing this concluded as OOP has talked to her sister, is standing her ground on no apology to BIL, and has decided to go low/no contact. This appears to be the (albeit sad) resolution (I say sad only because her relationship with her sister has been affected; BIL can suck dinosaur balls)* | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1014q2q/woman_accidentally_broke_her_bils_nose_when_he/ | 1014q2q | 6,952 | 12,401 | [
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"2023-01-02T10:25:06" | OP Filled Everyone Else's Stocking But Hers Is Still Empty (TOMC Dec 23, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/justatrowaway5446 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 23, '22, updated in the same post a couple days later.
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ztsomp/bought_stockings_for_everyone_and_mine_is_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Bought stockings for everyone and mine is the only one that’s empty.
I’ve never had a stocking for Christmas before and this year my boyfriend said we should get one for everyone (us and our 3 roommates) and hang them up. I was really excited about it and had a bunch of ideas for what I could put in everyone’s stocking.
So I’ve been filling them up with various little items (themed socks, candy, mini liquor bottles, etc). Today I was putting a couple of more things in them when I realized that mine is completely empty. All the others (even the dogs!) are filled to the brim and mine is completely flat.
It just made me really sad. Like I said I’ve never had a stocking before so I was looking forward to seeing what had been put in mine but I guess I’ve been the only one participating. All the roommates saw the stockings and also expressed excitement about them but I don’t know I they guess forgot about it? I don’t know how when they’re hanging up and everyone has been commenting on them like every day.
I don’t want to bring it up to my bf because I know he’ll just feel bad about it but it’s making me really sad.
Guess I won’t get a stocking this year after all.
UPDATE: Sorry I forgot to write an update!!! And we just opened gifts yesterday as well.
But basically the majority of you guys were right. Roommates didn’t care so they didn’t add anything to the stockings.
BUT my boyfriend did come through and filled mine up 🥰 AND I didn’t realize it until we were going through the stockings but my best friend (who doesn’t live with us) also added things to my stocking! I had told her how sad I was about it and so she added some things! It was so sweet of her 🥰
Soooo roommates suck but boyfriend and best friend made up for it!
Edit: Forgot to add that my boyfriend said he hadn’t had a chance to put my gifts in the stocking that’s why it was still empty but it did end up getting filled! ❤️
ALSO I didn’t realize how many of you were so invested in my Christmas story! Last I saw this post it had like 300 upvotes. Thank you so much for all the well wishes and for the awards (what exactly do I do with those?? Lol) and I hope everyone had a good holiday weekend!! And happy new year!!! ❤️❤️ You’re all so sweet! | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1019dln/op_filled_everyone_elses_stocking_but_hers_is/ | 1019dln | 2,605 | 11,548 | [
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"2023-01-02T10:39:05" | Woman's Boyfriend Makes Her Feel Guilty For Having Money & Privilege (TOMC Dec 15, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/narabaem in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 15, '22, updated in the same post, undated.
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zmsr59/im_tired_of_my_boyfriend_making_me_feel_guilty/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I’m tired of my boyfriend making me feel guilty about my privileges.
I (F26) have been dating my boyfriend (M28) for around 6 months. We met through a hiker’s group, and we really hit it off from there. Turns out we have some mutual friends, and so we as a big group would get together and do weekend hikes and camping trips often.
Hiking and camping is something that I started around a year ago. I was not an outdoors person, but it’s kind of nice to just be out in nature, and I’m glad I have a new hobby. I still think that I’m more of a city girl. I like going out with my girlfriends, and I like trying new restaurants. My boyfriend has been hiking and camping practically since he was a child. It kinda is his one thing that he loves above all else. I then discovered that this is basically all he does. He really doesn’t have any other hobby beside just hiking and camping. He’s got a job working for a big outdoor retailer. The money is shit, but he enjoys it.
I have my own apartment, and I have my own routine. He has roommates that he lives with. He will help me clean around the place when he’s here. I am never over at his place because it’s a mess. It bothers me that he’s over so often, because I want my own space too. When I brought it up that he shouldn’t spend the night EVERY night with me, he was so upset and I basically have to sit down and explained that I just want my own damn space too. He’s also upset at my spending habit. He thinks that I spend too much money on “useless” things like expensive groceries, my yoga and Pilates membership, my nails, my hair, ect. But I don’t see the big deal, it’s my money so I can use it how I want to. Even when we go out to eat, I have never once asked him to pay because I know that I have expensive taste, and he can’t afford it.
I’m graduating this month, and I will be starting a job at a big4 accounting firm. My parents are so proud, and I am proud of myself too. They got me a vacation and they gave me first class tickets as my graduation gift. They didn’t get my boyfriend a ticket. When my boyfriend found out, he kept ranting about what a waste of money it was and how that money could be use to feed people or help less fortunate people. I was upset. It was a gift from my parents, and they can afford it.
I know I’m fortunate, but I still shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about the nice things I have.
**Update**
EDIT: wow, this post really blew up so I have a few updates.
1) I do pay for my own expenses and my own apartment. I do have a full time job on top of school. My parents did pay for my tuitions however.
2) While my parents are well off, but they are never first class tickets people on the regular well off. This was a huge gift from them for my MBA.
3) I told my boyfriend that if he wanted to find a different path, I would help him find a counselor and looking for enrolling at a community college. I even offered to help him because I do care about him and I want a better future for him. He said and I quote “you’re gonna work for the man and you’re now trying to change me into one of them.” So he is now my **ex-boyfriend**. I see now that we are not compatible.
4) Thank you everyone so much for your support. I got a few laughs out of some. Shout out to the guy who warned me about the busy season. It’s going to be hell, but at least they have me a signing bonus. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1019lp6/womans_boyfriend_makes_her_feel_guilty_for_having/ | 1019lp6 | 3,718 | 7,984 | [
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"2023-01-02T18:09:27" | Someone turns to reddit when their brother is in danger of dying in the Buffalo Blizzard of 2022 | CONCLUDED | Some general info from the reposter: Buffalo NY is known for its snowy winters, but the blizzard of 2022 has been called the storm of a lifetime. 48 inches/122 cm of snow fell in about 48 hours. With the windchill, the temperature was -30 F/ -34 C. The conditions were so bad that emergency services were suspended. 40 people died.
​
* I am NOT OP. Original post from [\*\*\*u/\*\*\***junedzaman**](https://www.reddit.com/user/junedzaman/) ***~~in~~*** r/Buffalo ***on December 23 2022 and from*** u/Spore211215 on the same day
* Trigger Warnings - None
* Mood Spoiler ->!Positive!<
* I did a little light editing to try and tie these posts together.
**First post:**
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Buffalo/comments/ztxex8/i\_need\_urgent\_help/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Buffalo/comments/ztxex8/i_need_urgent_help/)
My brother got stuck in his car since afternoon. He is near <address removed>, He is running out of gas. We tried our best to reach out to fire department, police and tow companies, but didn’t get any help yet.
Please someone help me.
Any help/suggestion would be really appreciated.
​
A comment from a local about the conditions in the area:
>Voulenteer firefighter here. Our trucks can not move in this snow. We are getting stuck. We can not get to ANYONE at the moment. At least 50% of the towns fire apparatuses are stuck somewhere. I hate to say this but if you can contact him tell him help is probably not coming. He is going to have to get resourceful. Knock on doors do something. There is nothing we can do at the moment. We are snowed in the firehall .
​
Comment from another poster, [**Spore211215**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Spore211215/)
>I live close by, I can bring some gas and warm clothes possibly. If he’s up for it I can walk him back to that fire hall. I live near that area
​
A new post written by [**Spore211215**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Spore211215/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Buffalo/comments/zuconj/comment/j1l1y6n/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/Buffalo/comments/zuconj/comment/j1l1y6n/?context=3)
Saw another post on here saying someone was stuck on <street removed> near crabapples. Well I think to myself “Hey, I only live about half a mile from there. I bet I could help this person” and make the decision to go. He’s been stuck there all day and his clothes got wet from the snow trying to leave so I knew he was in need of help.
So I’m getting myself ready. I grab what little gas I have, I grab some food and water in case he needs any, and some new warm clothes and a blanket for him. Then I gear myself up. I put on some thick hiking socks, sweatpants, a backpack to carry my gear, puffy snow pants, a Hanes white tee, 2 sweaters, a jacket, a high vis vest, thick leather winter gloves, insulated winter muck boots, a headband, and a motorcycle helmet to try and combat the snow and wind.
So it’s time to head out. It’s about 11pm, wind gusts are still ripping outside and snow drifts can bring the visibility down to zero. The motorcycle helmet is a mixed bag of being a help and having snow stuck in my face, but overall a good choice. Now let me tell you that going to get this man was difficult. I’m a taller man myself so the snow banks weren’t as much of a struggle for me, but unfortunately when the snow drifts go up to my mid thigh and every step has my foot drop all the way down into the snow with no resistance… it leads to just walking becoming a big task in itself.
So I’m making my way down the street, and it is difficult. I get that I’m wearing a motorcycle helmet and it’s hard to breath in that, but even when the visor was lifted it was still hard to breathe, not only from the snow constantly blowing in my face but also the fact that it was hard to walk! I’m in decent shape but walking through those drifts is no easy task.
Eventually I make it down my street and a few streets over. Switching between easier and near impossible spots of walking along the way. I get to a automotive business and their building blocked a lot of the snow which let me walk like normal for once in a long while. I keep tracking but now I’m near a main road without buildings as densely packed so the snow drifts are blinding at points and I need to focus on buildings and objects to know where I’m going. Eventually I make it to the mans car after a good 40 minutes of walking when I only traveled 0.6 miles
So I get to the car and give him some clothes because that’s mostly what he was interested in. Didn’t care for any gas or food or water but I made sure to offer it to him to be sure. He changes and gets ready to make the trek himself with my help. After a few minutes he is ready and we’re on our way
He says he talked with someone and he has a house he can go to to be warm and safe for the night that is about 0.3 miles away. Alright sounds good let’s head there.
We make our way there. The man is not well dressed for the weather, but you gotta work with what you’ve got. He has regular sneakers on, his pants and my snow pants I gave him, the hat I gave him, the sweater I gave him and his shirt underneath. He throws a blanket on his head as a kind of protection against the wind and snow.
It’s bad out. My tracks from just a few minutes ago are all but gone, but I know the way I’m going so it’s alright. We walk up the road to the cross street and quickly cross the street. It’s hard to see or hear anything so we can’t really tell if a plow is coming so we act fast to try and stay safe. Then we make it to the side street. Well needless to say that street hasn’t been plowed in ages. Snow drifts near my chest and no paths available, so time to trail-blaze and make our own!
We need to make it maybe like 9 or 10 houses into the street but with snow like this we are barely progressing at all. I’m dressed for the conditions so I’m only getting tired. The man I’m helping isn’t doing great. Snow is accumulating on his face and he occasionally falls into the snow banks and needs to recover. When we get near houses that block the wind we take a break and relax because we need the energy to make it to this house and can’t give up. We’ll eventually through more struggles we eventually make it to the house. About 0.3 miles in 30 or so minutes.
The person living in the house graciously lets us both in. I recover by warming up a little bit, the snow that accumulated on my just starts dripping and melting which I know is a bad sign for me so I make my stop short so I’m not drenched in water on my trek back. The man I helped is very thankful and gets comfortable and warm for the first time in hours. But I can’t stay long so I tell him I’m glad he is safe, thank the homeowner / renter / whoever the man that let me in was.
Now on my way back home. It’s a few minutes after midnight. Made it about a mile in about an hour. Not great but it is what it is. It’s another 0.6 or so miles home. My phone is getting caked with ice at this point but surprisingly keeps working throughout the whole trip without any issues.
Time to make my way back. I can actually see my trail this time so I utilize my previous steps to try and make my walk back a little bit easier. I’m starting to struggle but know I can’t stop. Eventually I make it back to <street removed> and see a front loader messing around with some snow for I’m assuming emergency vehicle traffic. His windows are all iced and fogged up and I can’t tell if he even sees me. I’ve got my mission so I stay the hell out of his way and keep on going. I give a wave and a thumbs up and keep making my way back home. Cross <street removed> quick because now I KNOW the plows are around so I gotta be out of their way.
Back into my neighborhood. Now my trail is gone but I know where I’m going (or at least I think I do) and I keep making my way. I take a pit stop and call the girlfriend at home and let her know I’m ok and all that jazz so she can relax. Phone call ends and I keep making my way. Snow is blocking up my visor and I have been constantly raising and lowering it this whole trip. Fog and ice is really blocking my vision so i essentially need to keep the visor up to see and only lower it now to catch my breath or block the heavy snow gusts. My progress is really slowing now and my right leg is starting to hurt. Feels like I’m pulling something near my hip… oh well, that’s unfortunately not something I can dwell on while in the streets in a snow storm.
I keep making my way at a severely reduced pace and take a turn onto my street. Unfortunately I was a bit exhausted and confused and made the turn one street too early and realize that about halfway down the street. Weighing my options I decide I can’t really keep going forward here without risking wasting even more time trying to get home. So I back track to where I made the wrong turn and continue on the correct path. Eventually I make it one street further and make my correct turn. I am getting EXHAUSTED and my leg is really starting to bother me. No matter, gotta keep on going.
I hook a left and am on the final stretch home. Foot trail is gone again so I’m on my own for making a path. Snow drifts are getting bad and extremely difficult to get through. I start counting my paces and can only make between 10-25 (usually only 10) before I need to stop and catch my breath. Gotta keep going. That trails on for a while, eventually I start walking right up against peoples houses if the snow drift made a path to walk where there was less snow. I’m close to home but very very tired. Thankfully for the most part the snow is at least at my back on this path. I keep struggling but can’t give up, I am making nearly no progress but I gotta get home. Eventually I can see my house light but still have little energy to make it there. 10 steps. 10 steps. 10 steps. I’m close, I see the last section of snow to near my house. 5 steps. My leg is really hurting. 5 more steps. Boom, home. I am exhausted and ready to drop.
I make it in the door, girlfriend helps take off all my clothes and backpack and whatnot. I’m caked in snow but stayed warm throughout. I try to take my helmet off but the snow caked onto the back of my head so much that my hair had ice in it that made them stuck together and she needed to melt the ice with her hand to get it off. I have her check me for frostbite and surprisingly there’s none to be found (which I might debate. At the time of writing this my ears and still a bit numb and funny feeling, but nothing of much concern here. Almost like the feeling of Novocain at the dentist but to a much lesser extent) and then I relax. She has hot cocoa ready for me as I walked in and I just get to relax now. I earned this hot chocolate.
Mission success, helped a man get home safe and got home myself.
TLDR: saved a man stuck in the snow, it’s a monumental effort to walk in this snow. If you’re not saving your life or someone else’s… stay home. If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t have the right gear, and aren’t in good enough physical shape YOU. WILL. DIE.
​
A comment from the homeowner who took [junedzaman](https://www.reddit.com/user/junedzaman/)'s brother in:
>Thank you Man. You saved the guys life. May Allah bless you. I'm the home owner who you guys came in. For a second i thought you were a first responder with your \[Motorcycle\] helmet on. Lol. It's a happy ending story. The man stayed in my house 2 nights. And he headed out ho.e this morning. He helped me clean so.e snow off my driveway before he left. He arrived his home safe. His car is still stuck on the road. Thank you once again
And the response from **Spore211215**
>You helped save him too! Thank you for letting him into to stay with you, you're a hero for letting him in. No problem at all
Update 2 from [junedzaman](https://www.reddit.com/user/junedzaman/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Buffalo/comments/zuovk0/shoutout\_to\_uspore211215\_for\_saved\_my\_brother/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Buffalo/comments/zuovk0/shoutout_to_uspore211215_for_saved_my_brother/)
Last night i made a post to ask for help for my brother who stranded on the snow. After posting i got lots of suggestions and advice. Then from nowhere this man came and offered this help.
Shoutout to this kind human ANGEL \[Spore211215\], for helping my brother out of the snow in Buffalo last night!!!
This man deserves all the love and prayers and gratitude for risking his own life to help save the life of a stranger. My family will forever be indebted to him, and I just want to help spread his story in hopes of spreading some good news during this holiday season. Please help me in making this local story known, thank you and happy holidays! | frieden7 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/101j83w/someone_turns_to_reddit_when_their_brother_is_in/ | 101j83w | 12,730 | 11,652 | [
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"2023-01-03T00:00:20" | My (29F) husband (30M) has been going out with his co-worker lately (23F) | CONCLUDED |
**I am not the OOP. This is a repost sub.**
Mood spoiler: >!pretty bleak, but the trash took itself out!<
*originally posted in r/relationship_advice on Dec 25*
**[My (29F) husband (30M) has been going out with his co-worker (23F) lately](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zvbcgu/my_29f_husband_30m_has_been_going_out_with_his/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)**
We’ve been together for 8 years and married for over a year now. He’s been working in this company after he graduated from college. I’ve never heard him talked about any of his co-workers cause he’s not really that kind of guy who tried so hard to make a connection with other people. He’s very introvert and likes to be in his bubble. Sadly, he’s just the type of guy that easy to approach and talked with. He doesn’t know that but I’ve been with him for 8 years. He’s very calm, funny and quirky.
These past few months my husband has been mentioning this ‘poor girl’ I remembered a lot of bullshit happened to her this year that’s why my husband is trying to uplift her. My husband does not usually do that. He doesn’t usually give a fuck about anyone. He asked me if I’m cool if he’ll bring this girl to a bar and I asked if I could come along he said that he doesn’t really want to stir up awkwardness between me and her especially he’s trying to comfort her after she had this recent break up. He showed me her picture. She’s really obviously young and very pretty. I’ve read their conversations and it hurts sometimes that my husband always initiate the conversation.
They have been going out every Saturday. I told him I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with this friendship. He said that there’s nothing to worry about that he’s just helping her out. It’s like a female-female friendship. I don’t know what he’s trying to point out but everything between them two scares the shit out of me. My husband still let me read their conversation from time to time and the fuck, it hurts me that he respond to her faster more than me. I hate how he kept apologizing whenever this girl left her on read it’s like I’m fucking reading how my husband begged this girl to give him some of her attention and time and I can’t take it anymore.
I don’t know how I would approached him cause it always ended up that I’m feeling this for nothing that there’s nothing to worry about. I told him that I want to meet her and he said, for what reason? I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even think she knew that my husband is married.
**[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zvbcgu/my_29f_husband_30m_has_been_going_out_with_his/j1owuhn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)**
*Update added as a comment the same day*
Update: After this post I approached my husband that I want him to stop seeing this girl every Saturday unless he would bring me along. He told me that I’m not making any sense that he could just bring me and why I’m making this a big deal. I asked him if this girl knew he’s married and based on his reaction I knew that she doesn’t know his married. He said that why would he brush the fact his married on her face. I called him names and he got so upset. I took his phone and go through every single app, he has been messaging her from time to time. I’ve found out he gave her a very expensive gift that worth almost $1k I was hella pissed about it. (We had joint and personal account). A lot of things happened after this post that my brain couldn’t process everything.
I’ve threatened him that I will tell this girl I’m his wife and she’s being a home wrecker. He said he will never forgive me if he ruined this one and only friendship he had. I told him that he doesn’t make any sense that he’s being disrespectful to our relationship. He said that he doesn’t feel the love ever since we got married. He never been this happy, excited and contented with anyone. I ended up messaging the girl she said that she doesn’t know that he’s married and very apologetic about it.
He was so mad and left the house. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been calling his phone but he’s not picking up. I message the girl if she’s with him. She said that he’s not there. That she just got into a break up and a lot of things happened to her she doesn’t want to be involved anymore. She was so sorry if she could have known he’s married she won’t even bother going out with him. I’ve found out she just started working there three months ago. I have so many questions in my mind.
**[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zvbcgu/my_29f_husband_30m_has_been_going_out_with_his/j1q2oij/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)**
*Update as a comment*
Another update:
I haven’t told any of my family and friends about this. I felt embarrassed, very ugly and pathetic right now. The last thing I want to see on their face is the pity face. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.
My husband went back around 3am and we talked about it. He said he could no longer sees me in his future ever since we got married. The reason why he has been working a lot was he does not want me to be around. I asked him why did he wait cause we’ve been married for a year. He thought his feelings will come eventually that it’s just a phase and there’s no way his love for me will be gone overnight but every day feels just worse for him. He doesn’t want me anymore that he think it’s totally over and we could even be friends. He said that throughout our marriage life he moved on. I felt the ultimate betrayal. I told him that we could go for couple counselling and work it out. He cried that he doesn’t want to be stuck anymore. It’s not about his co worker anymore it’s about what he felt in our relationship. He cried and ask for divorce while I’m crying and begging him not to. I’m so confuse and I don’t know what to do. I felt like I was a good partner.
I asked him about his co worker if they ever have sex. He said that he genuinely cares and likes her, he’s getting to know her more bullshit but he thinks she doesn’t see him that way. Nothing happened between them. I asked him about the money he spent on her he said that he bought her a Christmas gift.
I am so much in pain that I felt numb that I couldn’t believe this is happening to me. And I think this would be my last update. I guess I’ll be welcoming 2023 as fucking divorced woman.
**OPs note: marking as concluded as OOP says this will likely be their last update** | ABBR-5007 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/101s3pw/my_29f_husband_30m_has_been_going_out_with_his/ | 101s3pw | 6,548 | 8,715 | [
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"2023-01-03T13:53:42" | My parents don’t want me to bring home my boyfriend for Christmas (Dec 24 2022) | CONCLUDED | I AM NOT THE OP. op is u/youngmom-tm
Original posted in r/Parenting on Dec 24 2022:
[My parents don’t want me to bring home my boyfriend for Christmas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/zucqgb/my_parents_dont_want_me_to_bring_home_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Trigger warning: >!racism!<
Mood Spoiler: >!Disappointing, but positive!<
*****
Me and my kids always go to my parents house for Christmas and stay for a week or 2. Well this year I’m not sure what I should do because they’ve told me they don’t want me to bring my boyfriend who’s been coming to my house every year since we were 5.
His family is in Florida this year so he doesn’t have family to spend Christmas with. We have been friends since we were 5 and my parents have always loved having his family over for Christmas. We started dating in July and now they have a sudden change of heart. My dad flat out told me “it’s because he’s black, we don’t care if you’re friends but we can’t have that in our family.”
I’m not sure what I should do, go anyway? I don’t want my kids to not see their grandparents but I also don’t want him to be uncomfortable, and I don’t want my kids to be around people who can’t accept someone in their family just because he’s black. I was going to be telling them I am pregnant on Christmas Day but seeing as they don’t want that “in their family” they would hate the news. I’m so torn on what to do.
**edit/update (*BORU note: updated 5 hours later the same day)
I told my boyfriend what was said when it was said and he was also questioning me on if we should go because he was also still trying to process the fact that 2 people that claimed they loved him all his life suddenly doesn’t want him apart of this family.
At the time I wasn’t fully understanding that this baby will be black as well and if they can’t accept him how could they accept this baby.
When I told him I thought we shouldn’t go, he agreed and was incredibly hurt that my parents could act this way. I am confused and hurt as well because why would they act so nice and loving to him and his family for so many years if they feel this way.
I called my siblings that were going to tell them we wouldn’t be there and to tell them why and some of them were disgusted they could say such a thing and said they would come to our house for Christmas and a couple of them said I was being childish.
I wasn’t going to call my parents to tell them why I wasn’t coming but after reading some comments, they need to know why because they need to understand that their way of thinking is just wrong and they need to change.
So when I called I told them I wasn’t coming because I am with my boyfriend and their racist comments are not going to be tolerated around him or my children. Then I dropped the news that I was pregnant.
My mom came back with “that’s great hunny, another baby.” She didn’t even acknowledge anything I said before the baby. And I don’t think she fully understood that this baby would be black so I asked her how she would feel when that baby came out black because his father is black. She paused for a little and said “I’m sure we can love this baby as long as he doesn’t act like his father”
His father? You mean the one that stepped up through my break up with my children’s father and helped move me out of his place, the one that helped me take care of my kids if I needed it even when my parents wouldn’t, the one that’s been my best friend since we were 5, he got good grades, never got in trouble at school, and was always good to everyone. I don’t know how they could keep this act up for so long, it’s ridiculous.
So I’m not sure if they get it or ever will get it because I told her I was done with this and she wouldn’t see her grandkids anymore and she replied with we’ll see you later. I asked if I could talk to my dad and I could hear him say he didn’t want to talk so I hung up.
I’m done with that family, my parents and the siblings that choose their side. Me, my boyfriend, and my kids will make new traditions at our house with the family that we choose to make. This baby will be loved tremendously by the grandparents from his side and that will be enough.
Also to the people or person who keeps making the same comment. My boyfriend has a great job (yes,he can have 2 weeks off of work) funny how you didn’t ask those questions about me because you know I’m white, we are not engaged or married but it’s already been a discussion because we do plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Not that any of that matters because even if he was a ceo they would still have a problem with him because they don’t like his skin color.
Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on how to tell my kids why we wouldn’t be going to grandmas for Christmas. I told them that we couldn’t see grandma and grandpa because they were being mean and saying hurtful things about someone that doesn’t look like them. My 5 year old understood right away because she asked if it was because of the things they say about Cj (my bf). Which means she’s heard them say things about him before they even said anything to me about it. I told her yes it was and those things aren’t nice to say or think about people.
Again thank you to everyone who had something helpful to say. I know I also need to educate myself if I’m going to have a half black baby
*****
*I AM NOT OP* | CloudBun_ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1028th1/my_parents_dont_want_me_to_bring_home_my/ | 1028th1 | 5,426 | 10,208 | [
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"2023-01-03T19:32:03" | OOP - AITA for missing the birth of my first child so a mate could be with her dying grandfather? | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/firiedad **in** r/AmItheAsshole
trigger warnings: >!mention of miscarriage, stillbirth!<
[**ORIGINAL**](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ehrttw/aita_for_missing_the_birth_of_my_first_child_so_a/) \- 30th December 2019
This is a horrible situation and I need to know if my wife is justified.
My wife gave birth to our first baby 3 days ago. We've had a rough few years with 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 37 weeks. So my wife was terrified this whole pregnancy. I am a firefighter and was on duty when my wife went into labour. Her doctor said that it would likely be a while so I decided to stay at the base for a little longer because it is about mayhem and we're never enough people anyway. Then one of my mates gets a call that her grandfather had a heart attack and will probably not make it. Obviously she was devastated. Things got really hectic we got called out to another fire and our captain said one of us could go but not both. I told my colleague not to worry she should go and spend time with her grandfather since it will be her last chance. So I had to go out and missed the birth of my child. I got there 2 hours after my girl was born. I felt horrible and apologised profusely to my wife but she just yelled at me, said I let her down in the scariest moment of her life and then told me to leave. So I left and waited in the hallway. It's been 3 days and she refuses to say anything apart from the bare minimum related to the baby. They can leave tomorrow and she's informed me that she was going to stay with her sister who recently had a baby too until she "knows what to do about our relationship or what's left of it".
I understand that it must have been scary for her but my reasoning is that only one of us could leave and I will have a whole life to be with my child whereas my mate only had a few hours with her loved one left
**Verdict - Asshole (OOP receives a well deserved dress down in the comments)**
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g910dl/update_aita_for_missing_the_birth_of_my_first/) \- 27th April 2020
Lots of you wanted an update on my last post. It's nothing spectacular so don't get your hopes up too much.
Many of you said how it wasn't about being there for the baby but that I should have been there for my wife. You were absolutely right. I acknowledged my mistakes and apologised to my wife. I suggested we get therapy and she agreed. We're all back home together now and have been for a while. Things are good for us and we're happy with our little family.
For those of you who suspected that I cheated with my work mate, you were wrong. I may have been an arsehole in how I dealt with my wife giving birth but I would never cheat. I love my wife very much and I'm happy she's given me another chance and intend on being the best husband and dad that my family could wish for.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102h1u0/oop_aita_for_missing_the_birth_of_my_first_child/ | 102h1u0 | 2,974 | 7,638 | [
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"2023-01-03T20:17:07" | My ex demmanded me for child support for a kid that is not mine, my mother and sister are on their side. | NEW UPDATE | **I am not the OP. That is u/a_confusedperson. Originally posted on r/EntitledPeople. This is the continuation of a previous BORU post, which can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/yz2yk8/my_ex_demmanded_me_for_child_support_for_a_kid/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)**
Mood spoiler: >!frustrating!<
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/xk9jpi/my_ex_demmanded_me_for_child_support_for_a_kid/) *posted on September 21, 2022*
**My ex demmanded me for child support for a kid that is not mine, my mother and sister are on their side.**
Some years ago, I dated a girl, the relationship was bad, she was very controlling and abusive, it ended up really bad and we broke up. I kept going on with my life, and after some years I got a decent job, enough to solve all my needs, have a comfortable life and make some savings.
The thing is, a couple months after getting my job, my ex contacted me,she first asked me to talk, I believed that she may want to reconnect or something, but she showed up with a 5 year old child, claiming he was my son and demanding for child support.
I didn't believed her, but the child age matched the time since we cutted contact. I got advice from a lawyer (a friend of mine) to try to solve this out of the court. I offered to take responsibility, pay all the costs and being an active part of the kid's life, only after making a DNA test. Everyone was ok with this except for my ex. She acted offended and demanded to "just give her the money she deserved". She used all the excuses she could, even contacted my family to told them I was trying to avoid taking responsibility of her child. When she run out of excuses, and the DNA test was finally made, and SURPRISE! I'm not the father. She was so mad with the result, and cried about the money, saying it was unfair and she deserved it. But she didn't acomplished anything.
Moving on to the last week, there was a little party on my parents house. My brother, a friend and I were talking, and my brother started to joke about the situation with my ex. My friend and I started to joke about it too, some of our comments were a little dark and bad, but we were far away from the rest of the people (literally we were on the opposite side of the house), and nobody else could hear us, at least that was what we thought. We were laughing like crazies when my sister appeared very angry and pushed me against the wall. She spyed us and heard our conversation and she was really mad. She started to yell at us about how horrible people we were for being mocking of a poor woman.
Few hours later, when the party ended, she asked me to go to the kitchen with our parents, and she started to say how awful I was for the previous situation. Apparently, my ex had been in contact with her, and she believed her version, and that was her way to have an "intervention".
My brother and I were like "Are you serious?" when she started to say how I "forced my ex into be a single mother" and that "I have the moral obligation to help her". My dad only said that we maybe were being too cruel making jokes of her, but that I wasn't responsible for that kid. My mom then surprised all of us when she said "even if the kid is not yours, you are making more than enough money to support that child, you should had helped her".
Since then, i had been receiving texts, my dad and my brother are on my side, saying I'm not responsible for her, but my sister is telling me how horrible i am for being ruining their lifes. My mom only said "its your decision and I respect it, I'm just very disappointed that you ended up being so selfish". I'm aware that she doesn't deserve my money and I'm not planning to give her any, but the constant harassment of my sister trying to guilt me, its just exhausting.
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/yptcr4/update_my_ex_demmanded_me_for_child_support_for_a/) *posted on November 8, 2022*
**UPDATE: My ex demmanded me for child support for a kid that is not mine, my mother and sister are on their side.**
Its been a while.
After my last post, I read all the comments, and decided to show them to my mother.
We had a talk about the situation. Again, she started on my ex's side, but after reading the post and all the comments and opinions, she realized she was wrong. I think the thing that hurted her the most was all the doubts about if she cheat on my dad and I wasn't his son, and if that was the reason if she was on her side. We had a very long conversation. She told me that she believed my ex because "she was always so nice and kind with her, that she decided to don't believe me when I told her all the things she did to me during the relationship, because a good girl like her could never do something like that, so, I must be lying". After that, she apologize to me. We are good now.
On the other side, my sister... At first she decided that she wouldn't talk to my until "I'll take responsibility", but after some days I talked with her. She is totally on her side, even after showing her everything, she said that none of that matter, because "a woman's word go first, and that's all the proof anyone could need". Also, she said that "even if you are not the biological father, you have an effective responsibility with her, so, you must be man enough to take charge of them and start acting like a real man". She was a lost cause.
About my ex. I did some research, and I found out that, shortly after we broke she started dating another guy (or maybe she was cheating me with him before, I'm not sure). They broke some weeks later, and she had multiple dates until she found she was pregnant. I also found that she had been trying to "find a father to her kid" for the last 2 years, and I was the next on the list, but looks like she is desperate now, because she was never that aggressive with any other one before.
Now, the reason of this post.
Some days ago, my ex and my sister came to my workplace. They made a big sign with my face, that says "he abandoned his child" and "irresponsible father", and started a drama, saying all their bullshit. Their intention was to shame me and use the social presion to force me to take charge of them (they literally said it). To don't make the story too long, they were taken out of the place. I got problems for that scandal, even after showing all the proofs and legal documents that showed they were lying, I was earned that this better never happen again or I'll be fired.
After that I contacted my friend, the lawyer, and we are now redacting a very long a detailed paper against them (my ex and my sister too). They were too far, now I'm going against them with everything. Maybe that scare them enough to leave me alone
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/zw0d67/update_2_my_ex_demmanded_me_for_child_support_for/) *posted on December 26, 2022*
**UPDATE 2: My ex demmanded me for child support for a kid that is not mine, my mother and sister are on their side.**
Hi everyone, and sorry for the lack of news, last weeks had been crazy with a lot of stuff, but I think now is a good moment to update you all.
First of all, I'm not allowed to talk a lot about the lawsuit, the most I can share to you, is that my ex was extremely freaked out when she knew about it. She is now begging to drop it, she offered to take back everything she said, to never bother or even contact me again, she even tried to guilt me saying that I would be ruining her and her son's life, but honestly I dont care, I got tired of be the good guy long time ago. She messed with me, now I'm figthing back.
And for my sister, the lawsuit at first only made her worst. As her attempt to shame me in my job didnt worked as good as she wanted, she moved it to social media, spreading her BS about me abandoning "my child" or "not taking responsability", and "exposing" my legal actions like acts of "censorship and mysoginy". But at the end, that will be worst for her, not only because I can dismiss her defamation easily, but also is more evidence to our favor.
Anyways, this is going to be a long road, and we are just begining.
Recently, we had a posada on my parents home. Every year we use this excuse to make a big family party before christmas. I had my doubts, because I didnt wanted to be near my sister, but after some relatives assured me that she wouldnt be there, I decided to go. Big mistake, she was there.
Mom decided that, despite everything that happened, I was taking all this to far, so she wanted all us to met to "solve this problem as a family". I tried to get out of there the moment I realized what she intended, but some relatives tried to stop me while my mom cried that I needed to stop, that I was tearing apart the family and needed to learn to forgive and let go. I realized that, despite everything, even knowing I was telling the truth, she was still on my sister's side. I got out there, saying her that I'm not atending any family event again if she is there, and to dont ever think on trying this BS again.
At this point, almost all my family knows what she did. Some of them think my sister is crazy, some other think she is crazy but I'm taking it too far.
A couple days ago, mom invited me to soend christmas with them. I didnt wanted to go after what she did, but I decided to give her a chance after she swear that wouldnt happen again. But not only she had planned to do it again, my brother warned me that this time she intended to lock me in until "I forgive my sister and stop the nonsense". I called my mom and told her I knew and that I was done with her and my sister. To dont talk to me until she realized she supported the wrong person, and to apologize. I dont need to say how many times she tried to call me the following hours, and all the drama she made when I didnt showed up for christmas, but, again, I'm tired of be the good guy.
So, thats it for the moment. Hope all you had a nice christmas and I wish you for a happy and drama-free new year
**Reminder - I am no the OP** | Shelly_895 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102i6fu/my_ex_demmanded_me_for_child_support_for_a_kid/ | 102i6fu | 10,204 | 9,320 | [
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"2023-01-03T21:54:34" | When I was 24, we were celebrating Christmas, my grandma stop breathing. I did CPR for around 15-20 minutes and when the paramedics arrived, one of them told me she choked on her vomit and it was my fault. | CONCLUDED |
I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/GretelNoHans in r/trueoffmychest.
Trigger Warning - >!asphyxiation, death!<
Mood Spoiler - >!hopeful!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/qk0sv5/when_i_was_24_we_were_celebrating_christmas_my/) (01 Nov 21)
**When I was 24, we were celebrating Christmas, my grandma stop breathing. I did CPR for around 15-20 minutes and when the paramedics arrived, one of them told me she choked on her vomit and it was my fault.**
My grandma was 83 and had many medical conditions but had seen a geriatrician a couple of days before. I was 24 and had received first aid training a couple of years ago in my University.
There was my grandma, my mom, my aunt, (her daughters) my sister, my uncle and 2 cousins in High School.
She said she wasn't feeling well and went to lie down. My aunt went to check on her like 3-5 minutes later and started screaming. We all ran to the bedroom and she wasn't breathing. My grandma was like 1.75 (5.7 feet) and very overweight, I was 1.65 and 54 kilos. I couldn't move her from her bed to the floor. Her bed was very hard. So I put her as straight as I could, remove pillows, started CPR and scream to call an ambulance.
I told my cousins to go outside and wave at the ambulance (it's not an easy place to find). My mom and aunt stayed with me and everyone else was out of the room.
I did CPR for 15-20 minutes and what they don't tell you is that it is EXHAUSTING. I felt she came back for a minute, kept going and I felt when she was gone. I don't know how to explain this.
Near the end I felt a sour air/taste and I knew something was wrong and I stopped. I was sobbing, my aunt had been watching and she kept going. Like 3 minutes later the paramedics arrived.
They put her on the ground but stopped CPR a little later. One of them asked why I didn't put her on the floor and that I caused a bronchial aspiration (english is not my first language so I'm not sure about this word). She said it right in front of my mom and aunt. I just left the room and went outside to weep. I loved my grandma and to this day I don't know if I killed her.
Edit. Guys I went in tears to sleep yestarday around 1am, happy tears. I was trying to keep up with the comments. I woke up to this, now I'm crying again and you guys are awesome. Specially, physicians, nurses, Emts, first reponders, paramedics and whoever I'm leaving out by mistake. This huge weight in my heart is gone and I can breath better.
I wanted to point out all my love to paramedics (and such you have so many acronyms I'm not familiar with). I have always know you're the best and I just got the bad apple.
I wish you all a happy day and I may not answer every comment but I will upvote every single one. ❤️❤️❤️
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zwox60/update_when_i_was_24_we_were_celebrating/) (28 Dec 22)
**Update: When I was 24, we were celebrating Christmas, my grandma stopped breathing. I did CPR for 15-20 minutes, when the paramedics arrived, one of them told me chocked on her vomit and it was my fault.**
I made this post a year ago, I'm trying to figure out how to make a link to the original one.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who answered. This was my first Christmas in 26 years without a heavy heart.
You all gave me the courage to talk to my mom and aunt about what happened. First, my mom didn't even know the paramedic said that. She said she was just in shock, she felt the whole thing took about an hour (not around 30 minutes) and she just felt helpless. She lived the experience in a totally different way that I did. She was incredible mad about what the paramedic said and sad/mad she was just so "out off it" she didn't defend me. She couldn't believe I've been carrying this feeling for so long and didn't talk about it earlier.
This was around june and it took longer to talk to my aunt. I finally did and she did remember what the paramedic said. However, just like my mom she was just in shock and worried about my nephews who were very little at the time.
She said, she never thought I was to blame and was really grateful for everything I did. And, she talked to my grandma's doctor about it. He came to sign the dead certificate and I do remember him saying I did a good job and he was proud of me.
What I didn't know is that my aunt talked to him about what happened and he was very angry about what the paramedic said. She assured my aunt that was not true and that doing CPR was the right call. He talked to me, hopping I would leave the paramedic comment behind.
So, again, thank you everyone. I hope I did this sooner. Still, I'm really happy all these has been talked and healed on my part.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102kp42/when_i_was_24_we_were_celebrating_christmas_my/ | 102kp42 | 4,770 | 10,744 | [
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"2023-01-04T05:04:43" | AITA for reporting my best friend to the HR because she got our coworker fired for harassment? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/VirtualRide3722](https://www.reddit.com/user/VirtualRide3722/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I fixed a few spelling and grammatical errors for clarity.
Your daily fun fact: u/mr_meowser06 requested centipedes. Centipedes don't actually have 100 legs- they have one pair of legs per body segment, and they always have an odd number of segments. (The older they are, the more segments they have, and thus the more legs they have.) They're also able to regrow their legs!
**Trigger Warnings:** >!False reporting of sexual harassment!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Ultimately a good ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zq04e5/aitafor_reporting_my_best_friend_to_the_hr/)**: December 19, 2022**
I think I (26) just lost my best friend (27F) of 5 years over this. So me and my best friend Amy(fake name) have known each other since our college days, I loved her like my sister she's a huge part in my life. After graduation we got jobs in the same company, I was ecstatic as I really liked the idea of us being together even after college. So here is the incident. One of our coworker (27M) Steve likes Amy. He asked her out on a date. He was planning on quitting the company after 2 months as he got a better job opportunity abroad. Amy is currently single and is looking for relationship. The thing is that Amy started hating Steve as he got the job abroad to which she had also applied. When Steve asked her out Amy declined it in a friendly way and told him to not bring that up later. It was going all good until one of my other coworker told me that Steve had been fired from our company and his job abroad is also at stake as somebody reported him work harassment.
I was shocked and confused he was a good guy, like genuinely he was a good guy even Amy talked good about him. Later that evening Amy told that it was her who reported him to the HR for harassment. I asked her what happened, apparently he told her that he still likes her. I asked her if he had misbehaved with her. She fucking laughed at my face when I was concerned about her. She then proceeded to tell me that she just didn't like the guy. She hated that he got the job. So when Steve talked to her she saw it as a chance to lose his new job as she was the next in line to get that job. She then told me that she felt sorry for him as she thought that Steve would only lose his new job not the one that he have in our company. I got furious and shouted at her that I will inform this to the company and went home. I don't know what to do. If I report her to the HR then Amy's career will be over but at the same time I want to help Steve. I just can't look at Amy the same way. Amy's family has been texting and calling me the AH. They are furious at me as I said I'll report it to the HR. I am feeling betrayed by her, I don't know what made her do this AITA for wanting to report against Amy?
EDIT: I went to work today and learned that he was NOT FIRED but was SUSPENDED until the HR investigation is done and they are withdrawing the recommendation the company made for his new job until the investigation is done which will result in him losing the new job. I'm going to talk to Amy and "apologize" to her so that I can hear the entire story about what she told to the HR.
***OOP is voted NTA, and people encourage her to tell HR***
**Update (Same Post): December 24, 2022**
UPDATE: A lot of this happened after this post. I read all the comments and thank you for all of your opinion, i decided to do what I felt was essential. I gathered screenshot of the messages Amy and her family had sent me over the past days. Those screenshots were more than enough proof of Amy's intentions. I messaged Steve and asked him what exactly was the situation between him and Amy. He was hesitant to talk to me because he knew Amy and I were close. After talking to Steve we both realized how fucked up things Amy did and apparently Amy was fucking bad mouthing about ME around the office!!! Her best friend!!!
So Steve told me that Amy was the one initiated the conversation about his interest towards her the second time. She asked him if he had interest in her and he agreed. I guess she was scheming it already??? I don't know why she would go as far as this. Then she told the HR that Steve harassed her to sleep with him. Amy provided screenshot of the message Steve had sent her when he first asked her out as evidence to the HR.
Now coming to my problem. I don't think Amy was really my friend I was just something she wanted as a support system nothing more. Amy told me that the job to which she and Steve had applied to was only for our company selected candidates but no, it was not. It was an open position which she knew about from Steve fucking Steve. She never told me about all these things. She purposely hided these things from me. I didn't confront her because I'm crushed now. I'll definitely confront her though. I'll update about that If get the chance
The HR gave Steve his recommendation letter back and assured that his new job will not be affected. Amy is suspended for false accusation and for harassing and threatening me via texts. Steve is still suspended as the HR discovered that he asked his coworker out, well Steve was gonna quit the company this week . He will be joining his new company next month good for him and guess I just got a new friend. | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102ullt/aita_for_reporting_my_best_friend_to_the_hr/ | 102ullt | 5,420 | 7,441 | [
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"2023-01-04T05:05:50" | Final update to "AITA For Wanting to Bring My Boyfriend to my family’s Christmas Celebration?" | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/ConcentrateUnique739](https://www.reddit.com/user/ConcentrateUnique739/). She posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/), in r/TwoHotTakes and on her own page. I posted a BORU of her posts 12 days ago. I have linked it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztmpy5/aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my_boyfriend_to_my/).
**The new update is marked with stars!**
Your daily fun fact: u/onmyknees4anyone requested tapirs and gave me the fun fact! Tapirs have fourteen toes -- four on each front foot and three on each rear foot -- and each toe is clad in a soft hoof. In total, tapirs have fourteen toes!
**Mood Spoiler:** >!honestly probably the best ending possible, but not super dramatic lol!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zjaq4x/aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my_boyfriend_to_my/)**: December 11, 2022**
hi! I had a previously great experience asking for Reddit’s help so i thought I’d come back for more advice on a new situation in my life.
I (f23) have been dating my current bf (m28) for 4 months and I am totally smitten. He is the sweetest, smartest, kindest, most caring guy i’ve ever met and I feel so lucky to have found him.
We met at the start of the new semester at our university. He’s a graduate student and was running a tutoring group I joined (i’m a senior getting my bachelors.) We hit it off immediately and found that we had a ton in common - including the same hometown. We even went to the same high school - although we never met previously. He graduated the year before I started my freshman year, but he was in the same grade as my sister. I asked if he knew her and he said yes they ran in the same circles but they hadn’t kept in touch since graduation.
We spent the last four months growing super close and we were talking about maybe bringing each other to our family holiday celebrations. We didn’t get to do thanksgiving but we decided to do Christmas together and i was so excited.
I hadn’t told my parents or sister I was seeing anyone so I decided to call and let them know and also to make sure it wasn’t an issue if he came to our Christmas celebration this year. My mom was super excited for me when I told her all about bf and my dad said he sounded like a nice young man and he would be glad to meet him. I then called my sister and told her the news and even joked that it would be like a high school reunion for her. She was initially excited to meet a new bf but when I told her who it was her mood changed dramatically.
She told me she would not be comfortable having a stranger at her family’s Christmas and that she was sorry but he couldn’t come. I was a bit shocked and asked her to explain because she is very outgoing and never had a problem with strangers before (this isn’t the first bf one of us has brought home for the holidays).
I asked if she had not liked him in high school or something and that’s why she didn’t want him to come. She said no and she barely even remembered him. I asked if she would feel better meeting him before Christmas so it’s not overwhelming on the actual holiday. She got really firm and told me that she didn’t want to meet him before, during, or after Christmas and to drop it. She then hung up on me.
She texted me a little later that it was rude of me to keep trying to force her to meet someone she doesn’t want to and she hopes I won’t bring it up again.
This makes no sense as my sister is not usually like this. I asked my mom about it but she is just as confused as I am and said she would talk to her for me.
I obviously won’t bring my bf if it makes my sister uncomfortable- I just wish she would give me a good reason. Especially since she basically said she NEVER wants to meet him. I’m just so confused.
AITA?
**Edit (December 12, 2022)**
I talked to my boyfriend last night and he also seemed confused. i asked him to please be honest with me and to let me know if anything went on between them beyond just running in the same circles. He told me no and they had only ever hung out in groups. she was really more a friend of a friend and he had a long term gf he was committed to throughout high school so he didn’t even hook up with her. She also never bullied him and, from his perspective, he never bullied her. He said they were always friendly/civil and never so much as got in an argument. He doesn’t know what her issue with him is. there’s obviously more to this story from my sisters side so I have to try to speak to her again. Probably in a few days when I go home for the Holidays.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Have boyfriends been invited before?*
"I could maybe understand more if this was the first time we brought a boy to our family holiday but it’s not. I’ve brought one before and she’s brought 4 different guys and will be bringing her boyfriend this year."
*Someone suggests the boyfriend could have been a bully:*
"I really hope this isn’t the case. My sister never mentioned anything about being bullied in high school, but to be fair we weren’t very close back then because I was in elementary/middle school and she thought i was annoying lol.
If it turned out he bullied her I would not continue dating him. I can’t imagine him as a bully he’s very kind mannered, but I do understand people aren’t always what they seem. My sister would need to express this to me tho."
*Someone suggests bullying or a crush:*
"I’m really hoping it’s something small - I wouldn’t tolerate a bullying situation or something serious and traumatic. However i can’t see how she would flip out over something insignificant as a crush and I’m so scared to find out what the issue is."
*A bit more information about the whole thing:*
"I more asked my parents my permission and was simply letting my sister to know to be polite but she told me no anyways. It’s pretty clear she has an issue with him specially but she refuses to tell me. I’m going to speak with him tonight when he comes to my apartment.
I did speak with my mom but she’s just as confused as me.
I’m gonna give her some space but I will try to talk to her again. Probably in person when I come home for winter break this week. I probably won’t bring my boyfriend if she continues to react negatively - i’m not trying to ruin the holiday for everyone including my bf. I will go with him to his family’s celebration."
***OOP is declared NTA, but told she should figure out if something bad happened***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/zni42w/update_aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my_boyfriend_to/)**: December 16, 2022**
Hi all! I hope this is okay if I post this here. AITA mods denied my update and i had quite a few PM’s asking me to update here if that happened.
I will preface that the situation isn’t totally resolved but people have been asking for more information so I wanted to let you all know what I now know.
On to the update:
I got home on Wednesday, went to dinner with my sister, and she was acting as if nothing had happened. Finally I just brought it up, and she immediately got upset with me. She told me to just leave it alone. I told her that I have very strong feelings for this man and if she has an issue with him I would like to know what it is so I can make an informed decision about my relationship. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had hurt my sister or was a bad person.
She told me he never hurt her, he didn’t bully her, and she simply didn’t want a strange man at her family’s Christmas. This just pissed me off and I pointed out she is bringing her boyfriend of 7 months. she said it’s different bc i already met her bf. I told her technically she’s already met mine and I offered for them to re-meet before and she shut me down. The conversation really didn’t go anywhere productive and we both left mad.
That night I ended up messaging my sisters childhood best friend to see if she knew anything about my boyfriend. I played it as “did you know my bf in high school?” rather than “wtf is my sisters problem?!” She confirmed his name and then asked if my sister knew yet. A red flag went up and I said yes and she doesn’t seem happy. She then asked to call me.
A lot of you were right and it turns out my sister was “obsessed” with my bf from 7th grade all the way until they graduated and went to college in different states. I asked her if there was more to it than that because I can’t believe my grown sister would act this way over a little crush & she told me it wasn’t a little crush - she was legit in love with him. Since she said “in love” I asked if my boyfriend knew or if anything had happened between them and she said as far as she knew he didn’t know and they for sure had never hooked up, to my sisters extreme displeasure.
She pined for him for years and was devastated when he started dating one of their other friends freshman year. She would show up to his work with other guys, only go to parties if she knew he was going, hooked up with his best friend to try and make him jealous, and once even tried to break up him and his girlfriend. When my bf and his then gf did eventually breakup senior year my sister thought it was her big moment but he never even gave her a second glance.
Apparently she’s held a small torch for him all these years still and her friend says she thinks she would still want to be with him if he would have her and she’s probably just jealous.
I am sort of relieved. Some of the comments on my OG post had me extra scared for what I was gonna find, but now I’m also pissed off. She’s really going to ice my boyfriend out of our family events over a high school crush that she never even told him about?
I do feel for her, it sucks when you really like someone and they don’t like you back, but I’m upset she wouldn’t just tell me and made it into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
I’m going to try to talk to her one more time and let her know I know about her crush and hopefully we can deal with this like adults.
Thank you everyone for all of your comments and support!
***Relevant Comment:***
"I’m definitely going to speak with him too and let him know what the actual issue has been. I agree it wasn’t love - I don’t believe you can be in love with someone without being actually close with them. It was a high intensity infatuation and she may have fallen in love with the idea of my bf she created inside her mind. I’m sure if she can just get past this initial issue she’s having she’ll find it’s time to let go."
*If mom knows:*
"I appreciate the concern! I have spoken to my mom and let her know what I was told. She’s going to be going Christmas shopping with my sister sometime this weekend so she said she could bring it up to her then as well if i wanted her to. I haven’t decided if I should talk to sister first or let mom do it but either way my parents know the truth and think sister is being overdramatic."
*About her sister trying to break up his previous relationship:*
"It wasn’t anything super crazy from what i was told. just tried to plant some doubt in her friends head about her relationship with bf. She supposedly didn’t make anything up but was just extra hard on him when talking to his then gf in hopes she would end up wanting to leave him. Still wrong obviously but nothing like actually dangerous or anything."
*Assuaging peoples' fears about stalking:*
"I don’t think it’s at the level stalker I think she fell in love with the idea of a boy she didn’t really know that well and just got infatuated. She hasn’t tried to contact him and hasn’t done anything to try and run into him since they started college so I’m thinking she’s just running off that habit of jealousy she started back in high school."
*Someone suggests it could be the sister is embarrassed:*
"That’s true i hadn’t thought about that angle. I’ve just been so annoyed that she would be so stubborn about this and not even give me the reason. We all did embarrassing things as a teenager so neither I or my boyfriend would be in a place to judge her on those past behaviors. It’s not like she hurt someone with her crush. She does need to act like an adult now tho. I’ll try to be patient in our next conversation and let her know it’s not to be embarrassed over."
*About her and her sister's relationship:*
"I’m a huge advocate for therapy so I agree and may have my mom suggest it to her (I don’t think she would like to hear it suggested from me).
My sister and I aren’t SUPER close. We get along and meet up when I come back to town but we’re not the best of friends in general. I’m hoping we can maintain a loving and civil relationship because I just don’t think her having a crush on my bf over 10 years ago should be something that comes between family but that will be up to her. I’ll respect her decision so long as she is respectful in return."
**\*\*\*\* New** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/zxsgvu/final_update_sister_doesnt_want_me_to_bring_my_bf/)**: December 28, 2022\*\*\*\***
hi all! sorry for the wait - with the holidays i totally forgot about reddit. when i finally logged in this morning i saw tons of messages and notifications asking for an update so I’m here to do just that. I hope it’s okay to post here again - if not feel free to delete and I will post on my profile!
Update: My mom did end up bringing up the matter of my sisters crush when they went gift shopping a week before Christmas. I wasn’t there but my mom told me she seemed ashamed and embarrassed when she realized we all knew about it. My sister told her it wasn’t that big of a deal and tried to say that wasn’t why she didn’t want my boyfriend to come. My mom pushed her and said to give her a real reason or she would be inviting my boyfriend to all future family functions i attended and she didn’t want to hear another word about it. She said my sister got sort of upset but finally did admit she just felt weird that the guy she liked so much never noticed her but noticed her little sister and she just felt “icky” about the whole situation. She didn’t want to be around him as it would make her feel like that desperate insecure teenager all over again and she was super embarrassed by her teenage self. My mom told her that was valid but she doesn’t get to dictate who I date and bring around based on a high school crush. She suggested my sister speak to me and try to come to an understanding.
My mom called to tell me this after she got home and I kind of expected sister to call me that evening but she didn’t. I was going to wait to speak with my bf until after I had this conversation with my sister but I ended up hanging out with him that night and just told him everything I had learned. He apologized for anything he had done to play a part it in and I told him he had nothing to be sorry for from my understanding of the situation and I would understand if he no longer wanted to be with me if he was now uncomfortable. He told me i was absolutely batshit crazy for thinking he would leave me over something like this. I showed him both reddit posts and we laughed over some of the crazy far fetched comments and he reminded me to take reddit opinions with a grain of salt next time i seek internet counsel.
My sister did end up calling me the next day and asked to come over to speak with me. When she got to my parents house she looked very sheepish and immediately apologized for acting crazy and shutting down me bringing my boyfriend without talking to me to first. I thanked her for apologizing and asked her to explain her reasoning in her own words. She basically told me the same thing she told my mom about being embarrassed and uncomfortable. I asked if she still had feelings for my boyfriend and she chuckled and said no- that ship has long sailed and she really truly is happy in her current relationship (her bf also knows everything about this situation as she confided in him) She just doesn’t want to face my bf knowing how intense her feelings were and she feels there is no way he couldn’t have noticed. I assured her he said he has no bad memories of her and is interested in getting to know her as my sister with a clean slate. My sister said she would try to move past her discomfort and was looking forward to seeing us both at Christmas.
So with that my bf did end up coming to Christmas and it was great. My sister gave him a bit of an awkward greeting and they didn’t interact a ton but we all played games together and my parents loved him. My Bf was super nice to sister and he said he didn’t feel uncomfortable in the slightest. It was honestly so lovely and i feel like the awkwardness my sister is feeling will fade with time. She texted me after her and her bf left that we made a great couple and she was again sorry for almost ruining my Christmas. I told her I forgive and love her always.
Thank you all again for all of your comments, advice, suggestions, and support. I really do love reddit sometimes! | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102umh8/final_update_to_aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my/ | 102umh8 | 17,032 | 8,009 | [
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"2023-01-04T08:04:19" | Man's Girlfriend Just Gave Birth But He's Not The Father (TOMC Dec 27, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/throwaway3733339 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 7, '22, updated Dec 27, '22
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zfn9j8/my_girlfriend_just_gave_birth_to_our_first_child/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
My girlfriend just gave birth to our first child. I know I’m not the biological father and I revealed I knew as soon as she gave birth.
I’ll try to keep this short because I’m planning to go to a bar soon.
I found out when she was about 6 months along. The guy (Bryan) approached me at my work. “Are you Sarah’s boyfriend?”. I said yeah and ask what he wanted. He said he was sorry that he had slept with her and swore he didn’t know that she was with someone (I don’t believe that).
He then pulled out his phone to show the texts between them. They had been sleeping together or “linking up” for at least a year. Then she found out she was pregnant and they came to an agreement to just pretend the baby was mine. In return, she wouldn’t lose her perfect life and he wouldn’t be responsible for a baby.
I knew it was weird. We had been having problems trying for a baby and all of a sudden she got pregnant so easily. But he explained that he had been thinking about it and he recently became a Christian. He said that he couldn’t live his life knowing that I was living a lie while his child didn’t know their real father.
So yeah. I told him I’d keep in touch, and to not say that he said anything just yet. I’ve had a lot of time to think but ultimately I decided to wait until she gave birth. To hurt her in her most vulnerable moment.
I’ll spare the details, but she went into labor, baby was born, and was taken to the NICU to be monitored for a bit. What should’ve been a beautiful moment of me holding my baby, was the most heartbreaking time of my life. Just knowing he was not mine hurt me. Once she was sewn up and comfortable I started packing up my stuff to leave. She asked where I was going and I just told her.
“I know I’m not *baby’s name*’s father. You can act all shocked but I know. Just ask Bryan to come, I’m positive he’ll sign the birth certificate”. Then I left. She’s been calling my phone over and over (even sending texts as I type this) and has even gotten her sister to call me a few times.
It was hard pretending these last few months but I think I’m satisfied. I feel really really heartbroken though. I was planning to propose to her on the day our baby was born. I was gonna make her the happiest woman ever. Oh well. Im going to go get shitfaced now.
Small update: Head hurts, but I’m home and safe. I wasn’t really expecting this to gain as much traction as it did but I’ll clear up a few things
Bryan is going to be in the baby’s life if it’s his. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m sure the kid isn’t mine. I’ll go get tested but me and Bryan have been in contact since last night and there isn’t a doubt it my mind. For those of you calling me a psychopath or whatever, I don’t really care. You’ll all forget about this post in a day anyway, while I’ll have to live with this shit for the rest of my life. What I did wasn’t amazing but I don’t care. All I ever did was treat her amazing and this is how she pays me back. If you think this is fake, go read something else. Doesn’t matter to me.
Edit 2: There is a full update now.
[Update 3 weeks later](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zwtdhp/update_my_girlfriend_just_gave_birth_to_our_first/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Hi everyone. I just wanted to start by saying I would’ve updated sooner but it’s takes a bit to get test results back. I’ve also been working on myself in the time being. Thanks for all the support.
I’ll cut to the chase. I am not the father. But I already knew that already deep down. Bryan and the baby are a match so that pretty much answers that question. He’s very excited to be a dad, even despite the circumstances. We’ve kept in touch this whole time and he’s actually a really great guy. Goes to church now, volunteers at shelters, etc. I’m not sure if we’ll continue to stay in touch after this but I wouldn’t mind getting a drink with him every once in awhile. I hope the kid does great in life. He should with Bryan as his dad.
As for Sarah, around the time I posted she had asked Bryan to be with her officially since there was nothing to hide. As far as I know he has not taken her up on that offer and just wants to coparent for the sake of being in his kids life. I think that’s very smart of him honestly. Me and her have talked as well. We talked about where it all went wrong. She felt as though I wasn’t there for her fully and just felt unfulfilled. Which I understand. I wasn’t always the best guy but I treated her the best I could. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She started crying and I did give her a hug but I made sure she knew it wasn’t cause I cared about her.
She’s offered to stay friends and for me to visit if I want but I declined. I’m not really interested in keeping up with her and her kid but I did give her the stuffed animal I was planning to give “our” kid someday as a gift. She’s been staying with her mom, and has fully moved out her stuff. She asked me to keep her number but I blocked her the same day she finished moving out.
So it’s just me now. I’m not gonna lie, my heart has been super heavy. But I think I’ll be okay. There’s a cute girl at my work and we’ve been talking. She’s a single mom and has been awesome so far. I explained that I wanted to go slow cause of my recent breakup and she understands. We’ve hooked up once or twice, nothing serious yet. I just wanna be by myself for now but I’ll likely give her a shot when I’m ready.
That’s it for now. I’m depressed, but I’m working out now at least. I never want to talk to Sarah and will likely never see her again. It sucks cause she was such a big part of my life but that’s gone now. Thanks for all the support. I’ll answer questions if you guys have more.
Edit: Just wanted to mention that I still don’t feel bad about what I did. I can tell she’s still hurting, but I definitely think it’s deserved still. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102xuas/mans_girlfriend_just_gave_birth_but_hes_not_the/ | 102xuas | 6,287 | 8,783 | [
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"2023-01-04T10:07:53" | OP's Husband Insists They Remove Her Brother From Their Life Be They're Pregnant & Bro Has POCD (TOMC Dec 27, '22) | ONGOING | Originally posted by u/throw70186away in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 6, '22, updated Dec 12th and Dec 27th. This is long.
TW Warning: Did you know that male cats have *barbed* penises?! There is some more to this interesting fact but it's a bit more graphic so I will put it in a comment and you can find it on my profile if you are interested*
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Trigger Warning: >!Mentions of OCD, Pedophilia, Child Abuse!<
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zel9y7/my_brother_has_pocd_now_that_im_pregnant_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
My brother has POCD. Now that I’m pregnant, my husband is forcing me to cut contact with him.
My brother is one of the kindest and gentlest people I know. When we were kids, he was always the advice giver and peacemaker. Sometimes I was jealous of him, because even though he was younger than me, he seemed to keep things together effortlessly. That’s why my entire family was shocked when he tried to kill himself. We had no idea how much he was suffering, and I still hate myself to this day for not seeing it.
Our parents forced him into therapy after that, and he was subsequently diagnosed with OCD. The type of OCD he has is informally known as POCD. To greatly simplify, it's a form of harm OCD involving children. Harm OCD is when a person is terrified that their intrusive thoughts mean they are going to hurt someone. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, but people with OCD believe that their intrusive thoughts make them bad people. People with POCD think that their intrusive thoughts mean they are predators towards children.
Over the years, my brother has told multiple therapists about his intrusive thoughts, and they have all agreed he is not a predator. I don’t think they would risk their licenses by saying he wasn’t a predator, if there was even a small risk that he was. They’re mandated reporters, for God’s sake.
It’s not like I’m planning on leaving my brother alone with our baby. He wouldn’t even agree to that! Real predators don’t avoid children, and they certainly don’t agonize in fear that they may hurt a child.
I’ve tried telling my husband everything I’ve written here, but he won’t budge. He says that if there is any chance those therapists were wrong, then we can’t risk our baby around my brother. He is threatening to leave me if I keep my brother in my life.
I understand why my husband is doing this. He was a victim of a predator when he was a child, and I know he's just trying to protect our baby. Which is why I’m going to give in. I can’t lose the love of my life when I know he's just trying to be a good dad. I convinced him I needed to wait until after New Year's to do it.
I’m terrified of what this is going to do to my brother. He's going to ask why I suddenly stopped talking to him, and if I tell him, it might just push him over the edge. If my brother hurt himself over this, I could never forgive myself. Not to mention that my parents and sisters are going to ask why we suddenly stopped going to family functions. They are going to hate my husband if I tell them the truth.
My life is about to explode, and I can’t even tell the people close to me about it. I can’t tell my parents and sisters about this for obvious reasons. If I try to tell my friends about this, they might think my brother is an actual predator.
A part of me wishes I never told my husband about my brother's OCD. Before I got pregnant, I confided in him that I was worried about my brother’s future happiness. My brother had told me he wanted to get married and have kids, but he didn’t think he would be able to. My husband asked me why my brother felt that way. I didn’t want to lie to him, so I stupidly told him the truth.
I’m sorry that this post is a rambling mess. I just can’t hold it all in anymore.
*OP had posted to r/legaladvice asking if her brothers diagnosis could be used against her in a custody battle. That post was removed by mods and could not be recovered, but here are a few comments from the LA post and the TOMC post:*
>There's no need to cut off your brother due to pOCD. They really need to change the name of that condition. The people who have it aren't pedophiles--they live with crippling and unfounded fear that they are pedophiles and typically avoid kids as a result.
>Custody defaults to 50/50. Your husband would have to prove that your brother provides a clear danger to your child--which a pOCD diagnosis does not mean. He could raise the claim, but you could easily refute it.
>There is no legal need to cut off your brother, and refusing to do so would not affect custody. Your brother is not a pedophile. He suffers from compulsive fear of pedophilia.
>On a non-legal note, I think you should tell your husband that unless he seeks therapy, you will not allow him around your child unsupervised. This kind of unprocessed trauma around child sexual abuse can lead to very bad parenting decisions that will seriously affect your child. [Here](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213404000808?via%3Dihub) is an article.)
>I am currently studying to be a clinical psychologist and thought I would go into more detail about what POCD is for those who don’t know.
>I’m going to explain this as simply as possible: POCD is a type of OCD in which an individual is afraid of becoming a pedophile, and often has intrusive thoughts about it. This does NOT mean that a person is ACTUALLY attracted to children, they just have a terrible fear about becoming attracted to children or harming a child.
>Here is a wonderful [article](https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/am-i-a-monster-an-overview-of-common-features-typical-course-shame-and-treatment-of-pedophilia-ocd-pocd/) to review for more examples and information.
>Also a psychologist, and also someone who has OCD - this is 100% accurate.
>OCD intrusive thoughts are egodystonic, meaning that these thoughts are against what an OCD sufferer truly believes in. There’s a saying that OCD attacks what you value (or hate) most, and it’s so very true.
>It’s almost a certainty that a person with POCD is so repulsed and disgusted by pedophilia, that (metaphorically) the OCD latches onto this, knowing exactly where to hit to cause the most suffering (and in contrast, someone who is an actual pedophile does not worry about harming children). In fact, I’d argue that people with POCD, just like OP’s brother, are quite literally the safest people to be around your baby, as the thought of ever harming a child causes them relentless and clinically severe agony.
>I truly think that OCD is one of the most commonly misunderstood disorders; posts like this really speak to that. So, if anyone wants to learn more about POCD (or the other types of ‘pure’ OCD), I really recommend [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yKaI0vLJs&feature=youtu.be) video.
[1st Update ](https://www.reddit.com/user/throw70186AWAY/comments/zk2pap/update_my_brother_has_pocd_now_that_im_pregnant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
*Note: OP also added this update into her original post so it is in both places.*
The comments on my last post were a wake up call for me. They made me realize what my husband’s behavior looks like from an outsider's perspective, and I was disgusted by what I saw. I decided to have a conversation with him about my change of heart.
First off, I’m not cutting my brother off. Second, he must talk with a psychologist who understands POCD. If he still doesn’t feel comfortable with my brother, we won’t go to family events where he is attending. I told him that if he didn’t agree to those terms, I would pack his bags for him.
My husband had a panic attack after I told him this. He threatened to leave me again and said he would get full custody. This time around, I was prepared. I told him I had solid evidence to prove my brother wasn’t a predator. Even if the judge isn’t receptive at first, multiple psychologists explaining POCD would sway them. I also reminded him I have complete control over his involvement in my pregnancy. There’s nothing stopping me from moving out of state to my parents.
He stormed out after that. I was worried sick, because he didn’t come back until the following morning. We had an argument about him not answering his phone, but when we both calmed down, he begrudgingly agreed to my terms.
My husband isn’t the type of man to break his word, but this whole fiasco has shown me I have to be prepared. I’ve scheduled a consultation with a family attorney. I want to believe that my husband wouldn’t go down that path. I want to trust him, but I can’t live my life with the threat of losing my child hanging over my head.
He's not a bad man, and I know all of his demands have pure intentions behind it. That being said, I can’t allow him to use his trauma as an excuse to become a cruel, controlling person.
The other night, I asked him if he had ever gone to therapy about what happened to him. He said no, because talking about it made him feel like he was reliving it. I think therapy would do him good, but I have to respect that he knows what is best for himself.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m no longer scared to face it. Thank you to everyone who commented. I was doubting myself, but seeing the testimonies of so many people with OCD helped me regain my confidence.
[2nd Update Dec 27th](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/zwvpx6/my_husband_29m_ruined_christmas_and_my_brother25m/)
I have been married to my husband for four years.
My brother has an anxiety disorder called POCD. It’s a form of harm OCD, which is an anxiety disorder. My brother isn’t a predator. He has an unfounded and irrational fear of being one. People with POCD are no more likely to offend than people without this condition.
I have tried explaining this to my husband, multiple times. He refused to listen and threatened to leave me unless I cut contact with my brother. I gave him an ultimatum in return. I told him we won’t go to my family functions after our baby is born, as long as he talks to a psychologist who understands POCD. He agreed, but it’s clear to me now that he didn’t mean it.
We went to my parents' house for Christmas dinner. My husband seemed upset, but I thought it was because of traveling all weekend. Dinner was going well until my husband asked my uncle why he brought his kids with him. My uncle was confused and asked my husband what he meant by that. My husband then said that he wouldn’t allow his children in the same room as a child predator. He used a more graphic term, but I’m not willing to type it.
Everything was chaotic after that. My uncle kept asking who the predator was, while my parents and sisters were yelling at my husband. My husband yelled at them back. My brother left the table, and I followed him to his car. He asked me why my husband thought he was a predator. I admitted to telling my husband about his POCD.
My brother yelled at me for telling. He said I might have ruined his life. I apologized and tried to explain why I did it. He left without hearing me out.
All my worst fears have come true. My parents and my sisters hate my husband, while my husband hates them back. My brother won’t talk to me. My mother is trying to explain my brother’s condition to my uncle, but we don’t know if he’ll come around on this. If he doesn’t, I might have ruined my brother's life.
My husband got everything he wanted, and I’m starting to hate him for it. He isn’t even sorry. I can’t stand to even look at him right now, and I told him he is banned from any appointments with my OBGYN. I also told him he won’t be in the room when I give birth. He thinks I’m punishing him for the sake of a predator.
It feels like leaving is my only option. My parents and sisters want me to. Even I want to at this point, but I don’t have the heart too. My husband isn’t a bad man. I know he is reacting this way because of his past trauma. I don’t know how to help him, because he won’t go to a therapist to address it. How can I fix all this?
TL;DR: My husband doesn’t understand my brother’s mental illness. He ruined Christmas, and now my family hates him. I’m starting to hate him too. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/102zuii/ops_husband_insists_they_remove_her_brother_from/ | 102zuii | 12,408 | 8,371 | [
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"2023-01-04T16:35:58" | I called my wife manipulative and now she's emotionally distant. | CONCLUDED | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/ThrowRAAggravating in r/relationship_advice.
Trigger Warning - >!emotional abuse, OOP's mum drowned his dog when he was a child!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zxndw8/30m27f_i_called_my_wife_manipulative_and_now_shes/) (29 Dec 22)
**[30M][27F] I called my wife manipulative and now she's emotionally distant.**
I (M30) got into an argument with my wife (F27) a couple months ago and ended up saying some really hurtful things that she can't forgive me for.
Essentially, we never fight. We have disagreements that are quickly resolved but have only had one real fight in the decade we've been together. My wife is incredibly emotional. Sad ad? Tears. Reading a book? Tears. Telling even a remotely sad story? Tears. She feels things very deeply and responds sometimes inappropriately with the amount of emotion she reacts with. I've tried to not have a problem with this as I know that's just her nature, but it can be overwhelming sometimes and embarrassing others.
About three months ago we happened to get into a huge fight, she was telling a story to some friends and embellishing quite a bit, so I just said, "Hey I think you're lying a bit here, that didn't really happen like that." I wasn't trying to take away from the story, but I hate liars and she does it a fair bit when storytelling. She told me that she just does it for comedic effect and that everyone knows she doesn't tell stories 100% accurately. It was still bothering me however after everyone went home and I brought it up again to which she told me that we'd already talked about it, and she didn't need me to correct her in front of her friends. I'll spare the rest, but we essentially got into a fight, and I raised my voice. She immediately started crying, more like sobbing, and I told her that she was being manipulative doing that. Every time I bring up something she takes as a critique she begins crying and it's a manipulative way to get me to stop talking about whatever's bothering me. My mom did the same thing to my dad, and I hate when women do that.
She asked me through shuttered breathing if I really thought that and I said yes. I told her that she manipulates the argument into going her way by crying and being the victim. She told me she couldn't even look at me and locked herself into our room to 'calm down'. She came out a few hours later and told me that she was sorry if I thought she was being manipulative and that it wouldn't happen again. Problem solved right? Except it's not at all.
I didn't notice it immediately, but she's started pulling away from me. She won't watch movies with me if there's any sad parts, she doesn't tell me the stories she used to, she won't tell stories to friends when I'm around and now our friends don't want me to go out when they do because they say she's not fun when I'm there. She stopped reading books in the living room, stopped watching unpredictable tv shows, she won't even talk to her mom on the phone when I'm in the room. I feel like I'm living with a ghost now. It wasn't until yesterday that I even realized I haven't seen her cry since our fight.
I brought it up last night and she told me that she didn't want to manipulate me anymore. I told her that her everyday crying wasn't manipulative, and she said, "So it's only manipulative when you're mad at me" And now I don't know what to do. I apologized, said I was wrong for saying that to begin with and that I shouldn't have but it didn't help. I asked if she wanted to watch the Notebook with me since it's her favorite movie and she told me she doesn't like it anymore. So, what do I do? Can I do anything? Advice from married men and women please?
TL;DR - I called my wife manipulative for crying during an argument and now she's emotionally distant from me and won't accept my apology.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAAggravating/comments/zxsb5z/something_to_add_to_my_relationshipadvice_post/) (Same day)
**Something to add to my RelationshipAdvice post**
I doubt many people will read this as it's a part of my personal profile. I've read and considered the comments under my thread and appreciate them. I've scheduled with an online therapist for tomorrow and I'm currently waiting for my wife to come home. I'm not sure how she's going to react to what I have to say but I'm hoping she will give me a chance to make this right. I know it isn't something that can be fixed in a day or with a simple apology, but I'm willing to try anything at this point.
I've researched marriage counselors in our area but want to see how she feels before going forward with it. I also called my parents and let them know we would be going NC with them for a while while I try to fix my mistakes at home. I'm not so sure they will want to talk with me even if I fix it as they were furious that I will be excluding them from this part of my life. But going off of the thread I know that that's a boundary I need to make to be able to focus my energy where it's needed and disregard opinions that could only prove to further divide us.
I know many people have hoped she will leave me and if that's the avenue she wants to proceed with I won't hold her back from a happy future with someone who doesn't diminish her feelings and make her feel like less than she is.
​
Update:
I talked to my wife last night. There was so much to say, and I've never been good about sharing my feelings, so it started off painfully awkward. I started with apologizing, not what I did before by just saying sorry but a full, "I attacked your character and assumed the worst of you when given no prior reasoning to do so. I've damaged and hurt you in a way that I will never forgive myself for and I would understand if you couldn't either." There was more but I'll save you guys from every detail. She was mostly shocked when I started and didn't say anything, but she did reach out for me in the first time since I messed up.
She looked like she was trying so hard not to cry, and I let her know that her crying has never been the problem in our relationship, that my unwillingness to accept people and see the worst was. It resulted in tears and in that moment, I realized how much I missed her being her. I told her about how I was starting therapy and that I would like to do marriage counseling someday to do what I can to mend the damages I've caused between us but that I would need to go by myself for a while to get to the base reasons of why I react so harshly to things.
Some of the comments suggest I write a letter to her and so while I waited for her to get home, I did that. I wrote about how much I loved her, all of the things about her that made me happy, all the quirks and mannerisms that were undoubtably her. And then I told her I went NC with my parents.
I've never seen her light up so fast. She asked me if I was being serious, and I told her that to be able to focus on her I couldn't have them whispering in my ear anymore. She hugged me and cried for the better part of an hour saying that they're one of the worst parts of being married to me. She said she can't forgive easily but that she wants to work on us together. She wants us to move away from my family and were discussing options that could make that possible.
I am not a good person in general. No one has ever described me as warm or caring except my wife. And I almost lost her being manipulative myself and selfish. I can't put into words how much I appreciate every comment no matter the content, it made me realize just how much I fucked up. I don't deserve her but she's willing to give me a second chance at this and I'm going to be different. I don't think it'll be quick or easy, but I would do anything for her. I don't know if I'll ever update after this, I have a lot of growing up and groveling ahead of me. It's not the update a lot of you wanted but thank you for your help.
**Comment from OOP explaining why he went no contact with his parents**
>I appreciate your comment. My family definitely has a lot of problems, but my mom is one of them. I don't want to get into detail about her because I don't know her very well and she very well could have been abused by my father. However, when I was in elementary, she drown my dog as a punishment for something remedial. I'm going to focus on my primary relationship with my wife and consider during that time how much time I want to continue devoting to my family after that.
OOP has very repetitive comments on his posts but the gist of it is
1. His wife embellishes stories like stand up comedians and exaggerates a bit. She *doesn't* lie about him.
2. His father told him that his mother manipulates by crying all the time. OOP has never seen his mum cry.
3. His wife sobs no matter the mode of communication which is making it difficult for them to communicate on topics which make her sad and he thought it was manipulative hence the post. But now they're working on this and he's going to therapy.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10380sq/i_called_my_wife_manipulative_and_now_shes/ | 10380sq | 9,101 | 8,663 | [
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"2023-01-04T17:04:06" | OOP - WIBTA the asshole for moving away from my disabled boyfriend? | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Ok-Engine-6401 **in** r/AmItheAsshole
[**ORIGINAL**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zokiv2/wibta_the_asshole_for_moving_away_from_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) \- 18th December 2022
Edit: English is not my first language so I am sorry if any of this does not make sense.
I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) since we were 19. When we were 23, he was injured in a skiing accident. His injuries were so severe that he was paralysed from the neck down and he has been semi-comatose ever since. Other than that he can do very little. He is no longer "there", his body is essentially functioning on autopilot. (There are more medical issues but I do not want to divulge his private information any more than I have to.) We were planning to get married. I love still love him very much.
Since his accident, he has lived at the hospital and then his parents — we lived together but our fifth floor apartment was not suitable for his needs and I work too much to care for him. His parents live 90 minutes out from our city. I visit 4/5 times a week, sometimes more if I can. It's been a point of contention between his mother and myself that I do not visit every day. I literally cannot do this with the hours I work and I am scared I will get in a road traffic accident driving in the dark and icy conditions (we live in a very snowy, icy state - his family basically lives on a mountain and runs a skiing resort so the roads are terrifying).
I work in a small and intensely competitve field. The salarly I am on right now is fine for the city I live in (major U.S city) but I could be earning almost double if I relocate. I've been offered an amazing job across the country. I really want to take it.
When I told his mother about how I was considering this job, she lost it. She told me I was an awful person to consider moving away from him. She said I was betraying him by abandoning him and moving on.
I told her that I couldn't just stop living because of what happened. She started screaming at me. I am empathetic because I understand that she feels as though the world is moving on without him, I feel that way too.
I am very conflicted, I am unsure if it is wrong to do this. Me and my boyfriend had promised we would marry each other. I do feel like I am abandoning him. WIBTA for taking the job?
**Verdict - Not the A-hole (NTA)**
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zxs6sz/update_wibta_for_moving_away_from_my_disabled/) \- 29th December 2022
I just would like to update anyone who left a kind comment and might stumble upon the update.
That post and the comments (and chats) I received have pushed me to accept the job. I move cities January 9th, I start my job January 16th. This is all happening very quickly but I have realised that I do need to put myself first and I am not an asshole for living my life, despite it being incredibly painful.
My boyfriend's mother does not agree. She is no longer speaking to me. I am not allowed to see my boyfriend, who I guess is no longer my boyfriend and hasn't been for 2 years. I knew this would happen so I said goodbye to him before I told her. I do not want to repeat what she said to me, however it was awful. She says I ruined Christmas because I made the decision on the 23rd but she knew this was possible and it was a time sensitive offer. As one commenter said, it was never going to be a good time to do this.
On the plus side, her hating me has made it so that I have to leave for this job. I have no ties here anymore.
I may be the asshole in her eyes but this is what I need. I am having fleeting moments of regret but my family and therapist have said that in the 5 days since making this decision, I seem lighter.
I am excited for this new chapter, thank you again for the kind comments.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1038qou/oop_wibta_the_asshole_for_moving_away_from_my/ | 1038qou | 3,981 | 8,031 | [
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"2023-01-05T06:28:42" | AITA for not inviting them to my Christmas party after they didn't invite me to their wedding? | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/throwra\_notinvite](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwra_notinvite/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
Your daily fun fact: u/miles_allan requested miniature horses. A miniature horse has to be less than 3 feet tall to be classified as a miniature horse, and the smallest known mini horse is Thumbelina, who measures just 17.5 inches tall! (44.45 cm)
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Good ending, though I still have no idea what the couple's problem was!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zsf4iq/aita_for_not_inviting_them_to_my_christmas_party/)**:** **December 22, 2022**
I throw a pretty big Christmas party every year going on a decade now. A few years ago at one I threw my friend Tara met my former co-worker Tony and they hit it off. They dated for a while, and two years later, once again at my Christmas party, she showed up with a ring on her finger and they announced for the first time that they were engaged. I was super happy for them.
They got married this spring. We didn't get invited.
When I was sending around my party invitations this year, I didn't see any reason to invite them back if they didn't think I wasn't worthy of making their guest list. I have known them both for years, basically introduced them, and they literally announced their engagement at my home.
It got back to me today that they're very upset with us for not inviting them this year, that my party is something they consider special and they think I'm being petty. A couple friends mentioned it was a smaller wedding and they feel like I'm just punishing them.
It wasn't though. There were probably 200 people there and I knew at least 50 of them, and I was a little surprised at some of the names that made the cut over us. I didn't make a stink about it or anything, but I don't see why I should welcome them into my home again after being snubbed like that.
My partner thinks I should just let it go and invite them back, but I don't see a reason why I should.
AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Did they give you a reason for no invite?*
"I don't know, we didn't ask. I just took it to mean we weren't as close as I thought we were and let it go. But for the record we literally had dozens of other friends who got invited."
"No we never got an explanation, just never received an invite. It got back to me through a mutual girlfriend they were trying to limit the guest list, but we had dozens of other friends there. I just think it's kind of funny they're getting our friends to try and get them an invite now after they just pretended we weren't a part of their lives."
*About the party:*
"Haha you don't know the half of it, over the last few years we have literally had it catered, had bartenders inside and outside, even hired someone to entertain kids earlier in the night. My partner and I put so much time, energy and money into this every year because we love our friends. It started out small when we were younger and now it's this big thing. I just don't like being taken for granted."
"**(edit- about the amount of people who come)** Not all at the same time since it runs from 5pm through the night and early on some people (mostly coworkers) bring their kids, but I expect up to a couple hundred people overall. It really is a large party. In recent years we have catered it and hired bartenders."
*Did they ask you about getting engaged at your party beforehand?*
"No, they didn't but for the record I didn't mind at all. We were happy for them!"
*Finally, more about their relationship with the couple:*
I did introduce them. Not with the idea of setting them up or anything, more like introducing one group of friends to another and then they hit it off.
They did use my party as an engagement announcement. I guess it kind of made sense, they had just gotten engaged a couple days before and hadn't made it public yet. All of our friends were there, everyone (including us) were excited for them.
I thought of her as a pretty close friend, she'd come over all the time to hang out when she was single. He was a former co-worker so not as close but we double dated a bit early in their relationship before the pandemic."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zy935e/update_aita_for_not_inviting_them_to_my_christmas/)**: December 29, 2022**
Dang y'all, I never expected my post would blow up the way it did! [Here's the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zsf4iq/aita_for_not_inviting_them_to_my_christmas_party/) for reference. Since I got so many requests to check back in, here's the update:
* I stuck to my guns and did not invite them to my Christmas party. My partner stood by me when I told him I had made my decision and didn't bring it up again, neither did our friends.
* Many of you guessed that they would try and crash our party, I got worried that could happen after all the responses but thankfully it didn't. Probably 100+ of you guessed she wanted to hijack the party to announce she was pregnant - if that's the case, they haven't told anyone as far as I know.
* They did, however, decide to try and throw their own party at the same time as ours. Several friends told us they were trying to convince them to come to theirs instead. I honestly hope they had some guests and had a great time, I wish them no ill will, but I think just about everyone we expected came to our party so I doubt they poached any guests from us.
* They made enough of a last minute fuss over this that the whole thing became the gossip of our party (their doing, not mine). I chose to not engage in it but the consensus I heard was everyone thought it was bizarre they chose not to invite us to their wedding and that them complaining about not being invited to our party was in poor taste.
* Most common question on reddit was why did we not get an invite to their wedding - from what I can tell from people at our party gossiping about the situation, they've said it was because we're a little bit older then they are? I think that's weird since my partner and I are both 35, they're 28/29 so it's not like we're very far apart. Tara used to hang out with us at least once a week when she was single and I literally introduced them, the whole thing still seems strange to me but I guess it is what it is?
So yeah, that's how it all went down. Our party was a blast, we got to see so many friends some of which we haven't really seen since before COVID. Everyone had a great time, people literally brought toddlers we hadn't gotten to meet yet because of how crazy the world has been over the last couple of years. It was a wonderful evening. I hope y'all had as good of a Christmas as we did! | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/103rssh/aita_for_not_inviting_them_to_my_christmas_party/ | 103rssh | 6,761 | 14,060 | [
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"2023-01-05T13:01:24" | OP Surprises His Girlfriend With A New Computer (TOMC Dec 12, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/throwawaycontempt in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 12, '22, updated the same day as an edit
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zjvkts/blowed_thousands_worth_of_money_for_my_gf_i_do/)
She likes gaming, but sadly, all she had is a shitty acer laptop. So she's mostly stuck on mobile games, or borrow my pc if im not working/playing.
Today is her birthday, and she is at work. I've installed her a pc next to mine so we can game together, complete with a set of her favorite games, dmc specifically. She really loves vergil for some reason (?) also genshin impact, elden ring, the witcher, etc
I can't wait for gf to come home and see her reaction :)
UPDATE
GF just got home 1 hour ago. blindfoldedly, i led her to our gaming room. When she saw it, the look on her face was priceless - she could not stop smiling, her eyes were teary.
GF hugged me VERY hard and kissed me a lot before she started to boot up the pc
She's happily playing some of the games right now, while crying and giggling at the same time, joyously looking back and forth at me and the monitor with a smile.
I hope this kind of day would last forever and I would be with her till the end of time. I love her so much | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/103yec2/op_surprises_his_girlfriend_with_a_new_computer/ | 103yec2 | 1,253 | 24,323 | [
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"2023-01-06T04:03:39" | Had a stroke in the Bahamas and woke to $55,000 in charges on my Bank of America credit card from hospital, however, I never gave them my credit card | CONCLUDED | **I am not the original poster. Originally posted by** [**u/Budd311**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Budd311/) **in 2018 on** [**r/legaladvice**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/)**.**
Reposted with permission from u/Budd311 \- thank you so much for allowing me to share your story!
​
[**Had a stroke in the Bahamas and woke to $55,000 in charges on my Bank of America credit card from hospital, however, I never gave them my credit card**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/a2f94d/had_a_stroke_in_the_bahamas_and_woke_to_55000_in/) (2 Dec 2012)
This should be fun so strap in. I was in Nassaus Bahamas and suffered a stroke unexpectedly. I am young (low 30’s)and an overall pretty active and healthy so a stroke was the last thing that I would expect it to happen at this time in my life. So when the stroke hit the left side of my body went ‘limp’. I wasn’t able to talk, walk, or function … it is similar to being paralyzed and all around sucks. The hotel thankfully called an ambulance which brought me to a hospital.
Here’s where the fun begins. My girlfriend (lets call her T) went to give them my health insurance card when I was admitted which covers me internationally but the hospital refused my insurance and said that I don’t have coverage and insisted on cash payment or they would not treat me. When you are having a stroke minutes count so she give them whatever they wanted to treat me.
This is when T gave them my credit card **important note T is not an authorized cardholder on my credit card account**. **She does not have her own card nor is she an authorized signer or user on my account she simply went into my wallet while I was unconscious and gave it to them**So I was not able to step in and deal with the situation. I woke up hours later to T crying by my bedside. She was explaining to me the situation, even though I was conscience I was not able to process nor have the energy to respond. She was explaining that they would chase her down the hallway for $ 5000 $10,000 $20,000 at a time whatever they could as if buying a used car, it was surreal and makes me so mad but she did not have any other options at the time she notified my parents who showed up a day later. My father was raising hell about them not taking my insurance when he arrived but it was not the time to argue and made arrangements to get me back to the states. T is not an authorized user on my credit card account but she was doing what she thought was best for me while trying not to die. I think anyone else would have done the same
Long story short I was transported via air ambulance back to the states Pompano Beach Florida where my health insurance took over and now that the dust has settled I have $55,000 in charges on my credit card from said hospital in the Bahamas. I have spoken to my insurance company and they said the hospital should have taken the insurance when I was admitted but the hospital prefers cash because insurance companies will pay discounted rates whereas cash out of pocket is subject to whatever the hospital charges.
So the rub is the insurance company will not reimburse me for the full amount as that is not what they would have paid the hospital directly Since T is not an authorized user and she signed all the credit card receipts I already attempted to chargeback the charges but the credit card company has rejected this as a claim stating I have benefited from the services at the hospital and it is not considered fraud. I’m not trying to stiff the hospital on their bill, rather I want my money back and have my health insurance company pay them what they should have been be paid. My blood boils that they chased a grieving emotional girl for money knowing what they were doing. They took complete advantage of the situation
Does anyone out there have any advice or work for Bank of America disputes dept that can help guide me anyway or should I bother contacting a lawyer in the Bahamas? I assume I have to deal with an attorney over there not here, correct? If so a contact or advice on how to find one over there would be great.
Complete sidenote on where I’m at today. I am in rehab full time and started walking a few weeks ago for the first time since the stroke it’s not a pretty walk but gets me around my left arm is still flaccid but starting to move so I’m encouraged and the DRs think about six to 12 months to get full movement back, they say being young is one when the advantages in rehab ..I guess silver lining?? .. still sucks though LOL
I typed this post using voice dictation software apologies for any typos or grammatical errors or formatting I sucked with grammar before the stroke :)
**Post updated on 22 Dec 2018**
\*\*UPDATE : United came thru and paid 95% of the charges but 100% of the hospital bill. they shorted me $4600 b/c the hospital overcharged me. Meaning the invoices added up to more then what they ran my card. Hospital is a bunch of thieves, so now I have to see if hospital will refund me overage or open a new dispute with B of A for the overage . Thank you all for the advice! Life lessons have added to the list!
**Reminder: I am not the original poster. Originally posted by** [**u/Budd311**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Budd311/) **in 2018 on** [**r/legaladvice**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/)**.** | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/104k60z/had_a_stroke_in_the_bahamas_and_woke_to_55000_in/ | 104k60z | 5,341 | 15,847 | [
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"2023-01-06T16:26:58" | My (28F) boyfriend (29M) and his best friend (29F) are going on a week-long vacation. They uninvited me + UPDATE. | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/jesustunafish **in** r/relationship_advice
​
**Some music recommendation to hide TW & spoilers for mobile users** \- [Click Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M0OqxwwJF4) for an impressive arrangement of *Requiem for a Dream* Music (originally composed by Clint Mansell) by TIJP using Classical Instruments featuring SIRI.
​
mood spoilers: >!OOP does an awesome job standing up for herself!<
[**ORIGINAL**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/copzwa/my_28f_boyfriend_29m_and_his_best_friend_29f_are/) \- 11th August 2019
My boyfriend wanted to go on a vacation this summer to his mom's friends' house in Hawaii with me and his two best friends (25M and 29F). We had been planning on this all spring, and at some point, 25M dropped out of the trip, leaving just the three of us.
For context, my boyfriend and I have been going out since November, and it's been serious. We had (and still have) been talking about moving in together and he has said, and I agree, that this is a long-term situation and that we are in it for good.
In early June, once 25M unexpectedly dropped out of the trip, 29F called my boyfriend and told him that now that it was just the three of us, she didn't feel comfortable with me going on the trip, since she didn't know me that well and she didn't want to be a third wheel. She said that if I were to go, she wouldn't go on the trip. Without telling me that this was happening, they changed the plans and made it a trip just the two of them and they changed the location to a beach in Costa Rica.
I was trying to figure out when to ask for time off this summer and hadn't heard news about the plans, so I asked my boyfriend which week in August I should be setting aside for the Hawaii trip. He let me know that, actually, he had talked to his friend and that she didn't want to go if I were going, so he was going to go alone with her to Costa Rica. He said that we could go another week later maybe to Mexico City or something.
I was upset, and tried to talk with him about how the situation made me feel, especially since this wasn't a case of a separate trip being set up ahead of time -- this was a case of me being invited and then uninvited from a week-long tropical vacation with a girl friend of his who I had never met before. We eventually decided to do a trip together to Copenhagen, which we have both wanted to visit, as some sort of compensation. I also asked to meet her, so that I could feel more comfortable with the trip.
We spent the 4th of July going to see her and her boyfriend in the city where they live, and although it was nice to put a face to a name, it was ultimately a very cold trip and she was not at all welcoming to me. My boyfriend remarked on how unfriendly she was -- to both of us, he thought -- and said that he was surprised that she didn't act warmly to me. I went out of my way to try get to know her and her boyfriend (I'm very outgoing and friendly and usually this would be easy), but it didn't really click, even after several days. They were somewhat cold to each other as well -- they bickered a little bit about their future and his own 3 week trip without her that was scheduled for the same time as their trip (this had been scheduled before ours had).
This had been my effort to feel better about the trip, so I told my boyfriend that I still didn't feel comfortable with things, and that I was feeling insulted by the way that it was handled. I had tried to make things smooth between all of us, and I asked him to please come up with something that could help me feel better about the trip.
On a visit to his family, they asked about the trip and they were all shocked that he would have arranged it this way, and let me know that they would have been furious if they were in my position, which triggered a fight in which I asked him to please help come up with a strategy to make me feel better and more secure about them going together without me. He said that he would never do this kind of thing again, which feels like not much to offer, since this is kind of a once in a lifetime trip to begin with. He kind of offered to not go on the trip, but he had already paid for the tickets and made arrangements and I didn't want to stop their trip and be resented by both him and his best friend.
He asked me to give him ideas of how to make me feel better and wanted me to just tell him what to do and stalled and stalled until it was finally the day of the trip. He bought me a bag of peanut butter cups and I drove the two of them to the airport.
I feel so disregarded and disrespected in this situation. I want to break up with him, but I don't want to burn up something that has otherwise been really good.
TL;DR - I (28F) was uninvited from a vacation with my boyfriend (29M) and his best friend (29F) and I can't get over it. I want advice on how to talk with him about this.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/csoob6/update_my_28f_boyfriend_29m_and_his_best_friend/) \- 20th August 2019
I was really upset the day I dropped him off and he was texting me but I wasn’t responding. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I didn’t want to do anything at all in the state I was in. I waited until the next day, and then I sent him a thought out text letting him know that I didn’t feel safe or loved in the way the trip was handled and that I would be dropping his things off at his place and leaving his keys with the neighbor. He called but didn’t leave any messages and then he messaged me that he didn’t understand.
The rest of the week, he called and messaged me, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up or text back. On Thursday, I think that he realized that I was serious, and he asked me some questions about logistical things — I told him which neighbor his key was with, etc.
When he got back and saw all his things at his place, he got pretty frantic and called and left me a long message. I was working all day, but also I still didn’t want to respond. He asked me to explain because he didn’t understand what was going on. The next day, I sent another text making it clear that it was over, and he got upset and sent me a bunch of texts in a row about how he didn’t understand why I was throwing away everything that we built. He left me a voicemail that was really angry that said he had no idea why I was upset and that he did not accept the break-up because he had no say in it and that he wanted me to tell him the evil story that I had made up about him to his face.
I wasn’t going to respond to him and I wanted to remain calm, but this upset me. So I sat down to write him this letter. It’s long, so skip over if you want. I tried to call him but I started crying and told him I’d just send him an email instead. This is what it said.
*“The time that we have had apart has given me some good space and time to think. I have had a chance to think about the things that are important for me in a relationship and I see that we should not be together. I am sorry that I have been asking for you to change things about your life that you shouldn’t have to change at my or anyone’s behest.*
*From the very start, this trip was made in an insanely disrespectful way in which it started out from you being given an ultimatum by your female best friend who I had never met that either she goes or I go on this trip, and you picked her. You didn’t offer to have her meet me (theoretically I was your long-term partner, so this would have made a lot of sense), you didn’t encourage her to find someone else to come, and you didn’t consult me at all. That’s enough for most people to have a deal-breaker, right there. However, I stayed.*
*This is a person who you have a history with that is not entirely clear to me. Here is what I understand: some bad rumors got started about the two of you in which you spent an entire night out with her on an acid trip while you were dating someone else. Nothing happened. The other thing I understand is that you were interested in her romantically at some, theoretically other, point and that she started dating her boyfriend and that closed the door on things for you. According to what I also understand, it took a long time for 29F’s boyfriend to feel comfortable with you being around, but you apparently worked to ultimately make him feel comfortable with you after I’m not sure how long. This is the completely unknown person who shut me out of a trip that I was originally going to go on (unilateral decision). You did not tell me this was happening until I asked when the trip to Hawaii would be.*
*You purchase tickets in another very disrespectful situation in which I have cooked dinner and have guests present, and you choose to go into my room for well over an hour to select tickets with her, and in which I repeatedly ask you to please come to dinner because you say it will just be a few more minutes each time. There is absolutely no reason for doing it at that time and in that situation, seeing as how she is in the same time zone as us and has a 9-5 job. This makes me feel sick to my stomach.*
*So, to make myself feel better about this whole arrangement, I tell you that I want to meet this person. On my request, we arrange a trip to go meet her and her boyfriend — a brief trip in which they are (and you explicitly agree) inexplicably cold. The first conversation that we have is one in which 29F and her boyfriend argue about how she dm’ed him while he was already in a relationship and got him to date her instead. You tell me about conversations that 29F has had with you recently in which it seems implied that there is some real instability in their long-term relationship — stuff about kids and dogs. I have a discussion in which I let you know that I see that and that it worries me.*
*Meanwhile, I am still wanting all of this to work out for you and for me and for her. I, at this point, am planning on being with you for the long term and see no benefit in telling you to not go on a trip with your best friend. I want it to work out. But each and every interaction surrounding this trip chips and chips and chips away at my ability to handle it: the conversations that seem to go nowhere, etc. Your dad, your mom, and your grandparents are all very surprised when we tell them about this trip. It is becoming very obvious that this is a dangerous trip to make with the fragility of our relationship. 29M, we had only been together for nine months. How long did it take before 29F’s boyfriend was comfortable with you hanging around? Much less going on a one-on-one international tropical vacation in which he was uninvited because of your request?*
*We go over it with (friend) at the rock climbing gym, we go over it in the car, we go over it while we're booking our AirBnb for Copenhagen, we go over it when I tell you that I still feel uncomfortable and I do not feel good about the trip. Talk about repeatedly saying something! Although I ask for you to help me, you actually ask me instead to come up with what would make me feel better. Surprisingly, I have no ideas either.*
*Ultimately, it appears that the original plan to meet at my place and hang out and do a game night before you two go on the trip has been canceled, and 29F will be staying at my place, but not hanging out with us at all beforehand. You attribute it to you not bringing it up with her early enough. This is apparently not something that was discussed even two nights before the trip. This upsets me. You do not know what to do. I don’t blame you — at this point, it was well out of hand. I don't know what to do either. There is no good solution that I can think of besides waiting for the trip to be over. I tell you that either I have to get over it, or I have to break up with you, and that I don’t want to break up with you. But my ability to get over it is rather rather rather worn down.*
*She arrives at my place very late, and we wake up the next morning for me to take the two of you to the airport. After all of this lead-up, I know that you can tell how unhappy I am. I fully absolutely know you can tell how unhappy I am. You leave, and when I don’t respond to your text messages, you text me to tell me that you hope I’m okay and you’re going to bed. No call.*
*The rest of the week was rough. My text to you was met with, essentially, “I’m sorry you feel this way.” You tell me that I’m being unfair.*
*There is no acknowledgment (and there still has been none) that this trip to a fucking honeymoon destination, as we have discussed before, could be a crazy and horrible thing to go through with, even with my quasi-blessing. This is not something that people in relationships have to deal with. This is not something that people in relationships do, besides 29F, I guess.*
*In the end, all of this is to say that I have felt serious emotional needs go seriously unmet in a way that is a deal-breaker for me.*
*There have been some wonderful, very positive times, but there has been an unnecessary amount of heartache and suffering for me over things that come down to what I can only assume are personal differences.*
*I cannot handle your relationship with 29F. And I suppose I could ask you to pick between her and me, but that’s not what I want to do. I want you to have your best friend, and I want to leave. I did love you, but I am not about to fight this fight and hear you tell me that I’m crazy for not seeing how totally platonic everything is for the rest of my life.*
*It seems like trying to convince someone to like different food, or to have a different favorite color. I am not happy in this, and I do not want to feel these feelings any longer.*
*There is no need for this to be mutual. I do not need your permission to break up with you.”*
He wrote me back an apologetic email in which he accepted responsibility for most things without any argument, except he denied anything that had to do with his relationship with her making me feel uncomfortable and he denied that I would not be able to handle their relationship.
He said that the only thing that made their trip bad for me was my own perspective.
I wrote him back that trust has to be built and that he put too much strain too early on a relationship in which we had not developed that trust.
He agreed and apologized. For me, it ended on a pretty amicable note, but this style of relationship really doesn’t work for me and I don’t feel like his responses to me really healed or changed anything significantly. I stand by my decision at this point.
TLDR: We broke up.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/104yf7l/my_28f_boyfriend_29m_and_his_best_friend_29f_are/ | 104yf7l | 14,713 | 26,559 | [
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"2023-01-07T04:48:41" | AITA for refusing to go to my sisters recitals/games? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is**
Your daily fun fact: u/Vixie_Rose and u/burningduchess requested foxes. Foxes can make over 40 different sounds, and their tails contribute to their own thermoregulation!
**Trigger Warning:** >!Child emotional abuse, neglect!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Parents suck, but a sweet ending for OOP and bro!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zg5y83/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_sisters/)**: December 8, 2022**
My (22f) brother (17m) was an affair baby. What ended up happening was the following:
My dad remarried another woman and gained a step daughter (17) who he treats like his own. My mother remarried another man and had my half sisters (14f, 13f). My brother’s father is not in his life.
As a kid, I spent an equal amount of time with both parents but my brother was always with mom. From what I know, my brother doesn’t call anyone dad.
This is something that really affects him. He’s always wanted a dad and one of those happy little families and I recently found his letters to Santa from when he was younger and I’m absolutely heartbroken. It is something I now feel very strongly about.
Because my mom works a lot, no one ever shows up to my brother’s games. He doesn’t really care. Or at least acts like he doesn’t.
Well my bf and I decided to go to every one of his games and have been going to every game since last year. He always gets really happy. He even jokingly calls us his parents as we sit with all the other parents. This is something I only do for him.
My brother had his final volleyball game near the end of October and like always, I was going.
However, as I was about to leave, my mom said she needed to talk. Ten minutes later, my dad shows up. They usually cannot stand each other so I thought it was something serious.
They just told me that it’s nice that I go to all my brother’s games but my sisters on both sides feel left out and I should make an effort to go to their things too. My 17 yr old sister had some dance rehearsal on the same day and they wanted me to go to that instead to prove that I’m not playing favourites. They also said that they want my bf to go as well.
I said no. They kept begging though and my mom told me that my other sisters had something coming up as well. I said no. Unless it’s a major game or recital, I won’t attend. I’m already very busy and only do this for my brother because unlike my sisters, he has no one. My parents said that was unfair to the girls because they deserve to have an older sister. They both also agree that it’s weird my bf and I act like his parents.
I just told them that sucks but I have a game to get to.
They’re both STILL mad at me. I haven’t been allowed in either houses since that day and until I promise to commit to the girls as well but I keep refusing. My mom’s called me mean, selfish etc and my dad keeps saying that he never expected this from me. I don’t know, am I the asshole for refusing to do the same for my sisters? I just want my brother to have ONE thing. He never gets anything. But maybe I’m the asshole for doing this at the expense of my sisters.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Did she point out that if his actual parents showed up, she wouldn't have to as much?*
"Yes. I stayed very clearly that the main reason I attend is because my brother has no one going to his games while my 17 year old sister’s mom always goes to her dance stuff and my other sisters dad is super involved in their sports. They just replied with “well it’s unfair to your sisters.”
*Does she attend the step-sisters' major events? Has she tried talking to the sisters?*
*"*Yes, I attend all major things like big performances for one sister and then big games for the other two. I haven’t talked to them much since the incident (not because of the fight, I’m just really busy rn) but I’ll try."
*More about little bro:*
"See my brother unconsciously started calling my step dad, dad, but he was all like “This is weird, I don’t want another man’s child calling me dad.” So my mom made him stop."
"It made me see them in a very different light when I found out about this. They weren’t even ashamed. They simply do not care.
Like I was helping her clean out the basement and there were three boxes of my brother’s childhood stuff and half of it was just drawings of me, my brother, our mom and what seems to be his dad. When I showed them to my mom she was more upset about the fact that he didn’t draw our sisters or his step dad.
We also found the letters to Santa there and I started crying reading them and all my mom did was crack a joke about his handwriting like what the fuck?"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zzvnvt/update_aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_sisters/)**: December 31, 2022**
Hi everyone, first of all... thank you so very much for all the comments. I really appreciated them. Idk how to express this lol but I’m grateful.
The update:
After reading all the comments on my post, I decided to talk to my sisters on both sides about what my parents told me. Well, the one on my dad’s side said that she doesn’t see me as important enough to watch her perform. The ones on my mom’s side straight up admitted that they don’t care for my brother or I and never asked for me to go to their games.
To be honest, I don’t care. We don’t actively hate each other or anything and are civil at best. My step sister (dad’s side) prefers being on her own and my half sisters (mom’s side) know very well that I’m much closer to my brother than them. Maybe if our parents weren’t terrible, things could’ve been different but it is what it is.
From now on, I will no longer be going to my sisters things unless they ask me. I have a very demanding job and I just found out I’m pregnant so I won’t have time at all.
Speaking of me being pregnant, my brother was the first person my boyfriend and I told and he was clearly afraid of a lot. But I promised him that I love him to pieces and the baby changes nothing. I also told him that I know we’re technically half siblings and we’re only 5 years apart but I care for him a lot and I kind of see him as my child. I also told him my boyfriend loves him in a similar way too.
I was afraid that it would be a bit weird to say this but he smiled really hard and told me how he used to wish my bf and I were really his parents but felt embarrassed for thinking this so he never said anything. We just hugged and ahh we’re not the best with feelings but it was nice.
He turns 18 in Feb and I plan on having him move in for good by the end of Jan. My dad and I no longer speak at all after he sent me a very mean message. My mom and I only speak to talk about my brother moving in with me and getting all his legal stuff. She still asks about my sisters games but I always shut it down. She didn’t ask when we last talked... progress?
We celebrated Christmas with my boyfriend’s family and they all treated my brother so wonderfully. Also... my boyfriend’s proposing soon and my brother’s gonna be whatever the guy version of the maid of honour is. Overall, we’ve been doing well and we have big things ahead of us. And I know we’re a bit of an odd family but it makes my brother happy and that’s really all that matters to me. Tysm again. | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/105g3w1/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_sisters/ | 105g3w1 | 7,320 | 7,225 | [
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"2023-01-07T06:47:57" | Man's Pregnant Wife Wets Herself & He Refuses To Help Her Clean It Up (AITA Dec 18, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/shespissed in r/AmItheAsshole on Dec 17, '22, updated Dec 18th.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zochf3/aita_for_requesting_that_my_wife_cleans_up_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
AITA for requesting that my wife cleans up after herself?
I (28m) married my wife (23f), who we’ll call ‘Dani’, about a year ago and we were very lucky to get pregnant soon after. Dani is in her third trimester now and on pregnancy leave.
Once we got the good news, I started working extra hours in order to save more money for when the baby gets here. This means that I have to get up extra early every morning to get to work (I try to be out the door by 6AM). I get home a little later and I’m usually pretty beat, but I still contribute to the house by doing dishes, cleaning up after the cat (coz she can’t), that kind of stuff. This new routine has been hard on both of us, but we’ve made it work and so far everything has been fine. That is, until the other day, when I wake up to Dani crying.
We only have one bathroom, which is downstairs, and lately Dani has been having a little more trouble going up and down the stairs. This usually went fine, but this time she didn’t make it. So, when I came downstairs, I found her, in tears, standing in her own mess. She was clearly very embarrassed and even more so that I ‘caught’ her. I immediately felt bad for her, and tried to comfort her and told her it’s all good, it can happen to anyone, just clean it up and we’ll go back to bed. She asked me if I could help her, but I told her that that made me uncomfortable. I would never expect anyone to clean up after my mess.
Tbh, it has happened before when I had a couple too many beers, but I always clean up after myself and it would feel weird to ask Dani to do it for me in that situation. She got really mad and called me insensitive for making her clean up after herself after an already embarrassing enough situation.I proposed a compromise - she would clean up the mess, and I would get her clean pj’s (since I’d just done laundry anyway). She asked me if this is what it was going to be like if the baby made a mess, and I told her I would be perfectly okay to clean up after the baby, since it can’t clean up after itself. I then told her I didn’t have time to stand there arguing with her all night when I had to get up in like three hours to go to work and provide for us. So, I walked upstairs, grabbed her pj’s for her and went back to bed.
The next morning, when I got downstairs, I found her on the couch. She told me that she barely slept and felt horrible about the night before. She called me an asshole and said that by not helping her, I only embarrassed her more. She then told me she would be staying with her mom until I got my shit together. It’s been half a day now, and she’s not responding to my texts. I talked about it with a few coworkers and I’m getting mixed responses, but I just want to make sure… AITA?
Edit 1: So after about 5 hours, most of y'all seem to agree that IATA. Dani's coming home tonight to pick up some stuff, so I hope we'll have a moment to talk it out then. I'll take you guys' verdict into account going into the conversation. I did see some people who would see my side of the story, so I do hope she'll take that into account too. Will update soon!
Edit 2: Keeping it brief bc of word limit, will post full update after judgment.
Long story short: Dani and her mom came to pick up her things last night. Dani and I talked, she told me her side, I told her my side. In the end, we both ended up apologising and agreed we were gonna work on it. She's gonna be staying with her mom until we find a comfortable way for Dani to sleep downstairs at my place.
*Comments:*
>You say you'd be fine cleaning up after a baby because they are not physically capable. what if your child had an accident at the age of, say, seven? would you make them clean up after themselves or?
OP: Fair question. I honestly can't say for sure. Maybe I'd see it as a good teaching moment.
>Teach what? Humiliation?
OP: No, I meant like the gentle parenting thing where you teach kids the logical consequence for their actions: you make a mess (intentional or not, doesn't matter), so you clean it up
>Why would you choose a username to mock her and the situation?
OP: Didn't mean to mock her. Just popped into my head when I was making the throwaway - it just stuck.
>What do you mean "at my place"? Are you not married?
OP: She moved in with me two years into the relationship, during the pandemic. Property's in my name, so force of habit, I guess.
OP: The doctor said she shouldn't exert herself too much, but she's not bed rest, no.
OP: I've seen her crouch to pick up stuff, and the doctor's never explicitly said she can't. But, I've talked to her last night, and she's made it clear that it's very painful for her, which was the first time I heard about it
*Judgment: Asshole*
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zoxxcx/update_aita_for_requesting_that_my_wife_cleans_up/)
So I wanted to post this before going to work, while it’s still fresh in my memory.
Basically not much had happened since I posted the original thread, until Dani came home later that night. Her mom was with her, but she only helped her load up stuff and didn’t look at me or address me once.
While her mom was packing Dani’s things, Dani sat down in the living room and I joined her. I told her we needed to talk about what happened and she reluctantly agreed.
She explained to me that for her to get down and up on her knees to clean the floor was painful and that it was borderline cruel to expect that of her.
I told her that if she was having so much trouble moving, that she should’ve told me sooner, so we could have worked on a solution together. And if she had explained it to me calmly yesterday, then I would’ve reacted differently.
She thought it was too much to ask of her to spell everything out, and that I need to be more present, both during the pregnancy and after.
I told her that was difficult for me to hear, as I feel that I already contribute significantly and don’t wanna feel like she doesn’t see that.
She expressed that she does appreciate me putting in extra time at work, but that she also needs emotional support, especially in situations like last night’s.
I agreed with her to an extent, but I did try to make sure she understood why I found the situation uncomfortable in the moment, which, after some explaining, she did.
I briefly considered telling her that I talked about it at work and showing her the thread, but I’ll take reddit’s advice to heart and keep that to myself. I won’t delete the posts - she’s not on reddit anyway.
So we concluded on the following things:
Dani will be staying with her mom (she does have a bathroom on every floor) until we’ve figured out a way for her to sleep downstairs comfortably (i.e. not on the couch or an air mattress).
I’ve apologized sincerely for making her discomfort worse, and she in turn apologized for blowing up at me the way she did, and we mutually agreed we were gonna work on it.
For those of you wishing that Dani leaves me: I love my wife very much, in the five years we’ve been together we’ve never had anything like this, and I’m determined to make us work again - and so is she.
So, all in all, I think things will turn out alright. Thanks for your insights, reddit, and for making me see that I acted a little out of line.
*I have a hard time believing this was their first problem like this and I believe they will definitely have some work to do on their marriage. But they seem to be happy with this resolution of having her sleep downstairs so I am flairing it concluded*
**This is a reminder that this is *not* my original post. The original OP was u/shespissed. Also remember, It is against BoRU rules to comment on the original post or message the original poster. Doing so will result in a ban** | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/105icfo/mans_pregnant_wife_wets_herself_he_refuses_to/ | 105icfo | 8,127 | 12,268 | [
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"2023-01-07T17:54:18" | Wife Worries Her Husband Is Cheating (TOMC Dec16, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/SunkissedMelancholy in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec16, '22, updated in the same post, undated.
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/znvt84/is_he_possibly_cheating_or_am_i_being_unreasonable/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I (f24) and my husband (m29) have been married 1.5years. He has never ever given me reason to doubt his fidelity. The thought of infidelity on his part has never even crossed my mind -until today.
Having finished cleaning up after a dinner party with friends, we were sat on the couch just talking when I asked him for the time. He showed me his phone and just at that moment, he received a WhatsApp message. The notification appeared showing an unsaved number, with the profile picture of a girl wearing a really low cleavage blouse. Seeing the message notification too, he takes back his phone and clicks into a different WhatsApp message instead, which he shows me and starts speaking on. I, of course remained stuck on the weird notification. And so I ask him “ what was that message just there?” to which he responds “a men’s group chat from work - it’s a random profile picture, I did not choose the picture, I was simply added to the group”. I then ask him if I can see the group chat, and he refuses. This to me raises alarm bells, and so I ask again twice - each time he refuses to let me see the chat. I ask why he’s refusing and he counters by asking me why I want to see the chat. I explain calmly, and in an amicable tone, that I found the notification very odd. Unsaved number, beautiful girl in revealing clothing - refusing to show me the supposed work group chat…?
I get up to leave after his refusing to show me the group chat for the 3rd or 4th time, except I am overcome by the urge to take his phone off the couch armrest (where he had put it down) - and so I do. I take the phone but as I am about to open the chat in question, he grabs the phone back out of my hands.
Though we are both still speaking very calmly, he’s now upset with me. He is upset that I would grab his phone and reminds me that this is not what we do (go through each other’s phones). He is rather upset saying that I should trust his word because he has explained what the notification was / why it looked weird, and that his explanation should have been enough seeing as I’m supposed to trust him. He is offended that I would even ask to see the chat. He then goes on to remind me that not only has he never given me a reason to doubt him, but also that he has always freely given me access to his phone. This is all true, I even have my face saved on his face recognition setting (and his on mine).
He continued to refuse to show me the supposed group chat. And being shocked, I simply left the room. I am currently not sure what to think.
Did I respond unreasonably?
****
1st UPDATE:
Hi everyone, thank you for your responses. We still have guests staying over at our place. After the initial conversation, I left and went to stay with the guests in the guest room - they’re my girlfriends so this wasn’t particularly weird. It is their last night too, so we stayed up talking. I didn’t mention anything to them, but I also haven’t spoken to him since.
The guests leave later this evening. Before then we’ll be out and about. I don’t think I’ll have a chance to speak to him or address this again until the guests have left.
To clear up a few things:
I also suspect cheating. I know exactly what it is looking like.
But yes, I was wondering if my grabbing the phone was unwarranted/ exaggerated and in fact a breach of trust in my part. I do not go through peoples phone on principle. I have never done it and I do feel like I have violated his privacy for doing that.
I have also realised ( after reading your responses ) that worrying about having breached his privacy is precisely what he wanted and is an attempt to turn it all back on me. To distract from the main issue.
I’ll come back with another update once I’ve addressed it with him.
FINAL UPDATE
I have asked him to show me the chat one more time. He accepted immediately this time. I was worried that this meant the evidence would be deleted, but he handed me the phone, and it was all there.
I saw the group chat with the same profile picture, called « Men’s group » but in the language of the country. In the group chat I saw the initial message notification I had seen, with the number still unsaved. It was in fact a Spotify link like he had said. The time stamp is correct. He scrolled all the way up to when he was added to the group, which does correspond to when he started at the new work place. He took out his work laptop and went through the work email contacts, to show me that the few contacts he had saved did correspond with the names of colleagues in the group.
I got pretty annoyed if I’m honest. I am extremely relieved but god he could have spared me and you all the turmoil.
I asked why he was being so damn secretive about everything then. It turns out he had a group chat with my childhood friends, and they were planning a surprise for me. (Surprise semi-ruined now lol oops). You might all wonder why on earth I didn’t think of that so close to Christmas, and that would be because we do not celebrate Christmas.
Anyways false alarm, thank god. Apologies for bringing you all on this rollercoaster with me! For what it’s worth you all helped me stay very calm and level headed through the hours.
If some of you are wondering why I did not turn to friends and family for advice - the answer is simply that I had no proof myself. I was unsure and confused by the situation, but still wanted to hear someone else’s thoughts on the matter.
The thing with relationships I find, is that sometimes when you tell friends and family about conflict, you might then forgive him, but they might not. I try to avoid sharing our conflict and seeking advice unless/until it is blatantly obvious that one of us is in the wrong. He is close to my friends and family and I’m careful not to ruin his image in their eyes unless it is really warranted.
Anyway, thanks everyone for your patience, for your advice, for your companionship! | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/105v2ns/wife_worries_her_husband_is_cheating_tomc_dec16_22/ | 105v2ns | 6,308 | 8,021 | [
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"2023-01-08T00:25:33" | [New Update] My husband cannot accept I don’t like mustard. Things came to a head yesterday. | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am NOT OP.**
This is a new update to a story already posted in BORU in Nov. 17, 2022. It was posted [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/yxms57/my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like_mustard/). I have marked the new update with 🚨🚨🚨 below so you can skip the older updates posts if you don't need a refresher.
[**My husband cannot accept I don’t like mustard. Things came to a head yesterday.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yju3vf/my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like_mustard/) in r/relationship_advice submitted on 02 Nov 2022 by u/throwrapickyeater
trigger warnings: >!emotional, physical and sexual abuse!<
We’ve been married two years, dating five. We are both 34- I’m a woman, he’s a man, if it matters. I’m not a picky eater. In fact I’m quite adventurous and every time I’ve traveled I’ve always made it a point to try dishes with unusual/uncommon ingredients to say I’ve tried them. There are very few foods I won’t eat. One of them is mustard (the condiment).
I don’t like it. I just don’t. The taste is very strong and overpowering and it’s an unpleasant taste. I’ve tried yellow, stone ground, honey, artisan, brown, spicy, you name it. I have tried them all. And I just don’t like them.
My husband for some reason never understood this. He loves mustard, especially honey mustard. He puts it on all his sandwiches, dips his fries in it.
And everytime he tries to force me to try it. He’ll insist I’ll like it this time. I’m a grown ass woman. I know what I don’t like! And I don’t like mustard. So I’ll say no and it’ll devolve into a mini-argument where he’ll call me picky.
Well, last night we were on the road home from a weekend trip we took together and he stopped at a gas station to get us a quick bite. He got a hot dog slathered in mustard. I got one but decided to keep it plain. I don’t really love hot dogs to begin with but I will eat them.
While we waited in line he asked what I got on mine. I told him nothing.
He actually got furious and grabbed it from me. He marched over to the condiment station and began putting mustard on my hot dog, telling me to grow up and stop being picky.
I just walked out and sat in the car. I didn’t even want the damn hot dog anymore. My appetite was gone.
He came back and began screaming at me for embarrassing him even further. The word divorce was said for the first time ever. I secretly recorded his screaming because I was genuinely afraid I would die. He was driving erratically, swerving and speeding.
I’m in a hotel tonight. He ignored me all day at work and then the calls started around when he realized I wasn’t coming home. Nonstop voicemails and texts. He sent me a screenshot of a Google search for local divorce lawyers. I haven’t eaten all day and I’ve been sobbing in this damn hotel room. I don’t want to get divorced and I wish I had just ate the fucking mustard.
Someone, anyone, please give me an explanation. Am I in danger? Why would he react this way to a preference of mine? I’m completely broken right now.
**xxxx**
[**Update #1: I can’t respond since my post got deleted sorry**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/yk8rx6/i_cant_respond_since_my_post_got_deleted_sorry/) submitted on 02 Nov 2022 by u/throwrapickyeater
Some answers I guess to questions I saw:
Regarding when I said no to sex. He respected if I said no to having sex but he would ask for blowjobs over and over. I used to give in at first until I started dreading doing it. He tried buying all this stuff to make me like it, to make it easier or whatever. I used to like blowjobs. I don’t like giving them to him. But he’ll still ask over and over. I started responding with, “I said no. Are you going to force me to do it?” And he’d get squeamish and offended that I’d implied he would rape or assault me.
If I have a support system: no. I’ve always been a very small circle kind of person and I lost touch with casual college friends. My friends are his. It makes me feel like a loser but I don’t really have friends of my own. My parents are dead; my dad died when I was a teen and my mom passed recently of heart failure. I have no siblings.
I’m financially capable of living on my own and I could pay for a divorce. I just… really didn’t want things to be this way. The mustard thing was always just an annoyance to me. I didn’t consider it a deal-breaker, but obviously it is for him.
We have no kids and no equity. Our finances are separate save for one joint account we equally contribute to for bills. We were looking at buying a house.
I’m safe. I’m at work and I’m staying in the hotel until further notice. He has continued to text. One message said that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I’ve forced his hand by refusing to communicate or come home. I haven’t answered. I don’t know what to say. I forced myself to eat my favorite takeout late last night but it tasted like cardboard. I stayed up late compiling a list of every time he has shown worrying behavior. I guess the mustard is the tip of the iceberg.
**xxxx**
[**Update #2: Thank you all for being so kind… a quick ramble before bed.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/ykkkta/thank_you_all_for_being_so_kind_a_quick_ramble/) submitted on 02 Nov 2022 by u/throwrapickyeater
Sincerely, thank you all for your kind words as well as sending me links to resources. He has reverted back and has told me that he never wants to see me again, so I suppose that gives me time to read that book that someone on RA suggested to me (I forget the name).
I will admit while I was at work and thinking of the lonely room waiting me after five, I considered just going home. But I knew what awaited me. I’m too drained to muster up the kind of apology he would be expecting in order for things to go back to normal. I honestly fear that our “normal” is detrimental to me. I also don’t want to apologize. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and you all helped validate that.
I always felt like I was the one disturbing the peace. He’d get so upset over things that were little to no effort for me to just do or go along with because I loved him. And somewhere along the way I think I lost myself. I never liked mustard. I never liked golf, or camping, or red wine. But he loves all of these and wanted me to love them too. He said he was introducing me to his hobbies so we would have shared interests as a couple. But I have realized that out of all the things I used to like, he has either refused to try or ignored my interest. Our shared interests are just his.
God, how do I feel like my own person again? My world broke not two days ago and now I’m drunk at a hotel bar switching between Reddit and researching divorce lawyers.
I still don’t want to divorce. It’s so permanent. I never pictured myself a divorcée. I used to think that every choice I made, I made deliberately. It used to be a point of pride for me. But he’s making this choice for me. And it hurts.
**xxxx**
[**Final Update: I’m leaving him.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/yospyh/im_leaving_him/) submitted on 07 Nov 2022 by u/throwrapickyeater
First of all: I took this week off at the encouragement of my employer. I plan to spend it finding a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse and sexual assault, which I’ve come to realize I am a victim of. I feel completely numb. I’m also looking into a divorce lawyer.
Secondly: he found the hotel where I was staying. I guess he followed me from work. He was waiting in the lobby. God, my heart skipped a beat and I realized that I did NOT miss him at all. I was afraid of making a scene (I need to unlearn that), so I sat with him in the lounge area and talked.
I’ll summarize it.
I pointed out the security camera and said if he tried to hurt me, there’d be footage and I would press charges without a second thought. He was completely shocked and said he’d never hurt me. I reminded him how I feared for my life in the car. He ignored me.
He asked why I wasn’t coming home. I was completely blank faced when I told him, “Because you’re divorcing me.” He said he didn’t mean it and was just upset. I said, “when normal people are upset, they express it in a healthy way. You threatened the end of our marriage. I’m taking you seriously.”
He got pissed and asked if I was saying he wasn’t normal.
Honestly, I just wanted the conversation to be done, so I told him if that’s really all he heard then there was no point in talking anymore. I told him I was looking for a lawyer and he should probably do the same if he hasn’t found one. He lashed out and said, “All this over one mistake?”
And I just stared at him. As I made to stand up, he grabbed my wrist hard and I pointed at the camera again. This just made him angrier. He never could handle slights to his ego.
One mistake. It wasn’t one mistake. It was a pattern of abuse over years. It was threatening me, intimidating me.
I told him if he tried to contact me again beyond sending me his lawyer’s details I’d be calling the police. He let me go.
I want to say I was badass and celebrated in my room. I collapsed onto my bed and began sobbing. I was just so sick and angry and sad. He truly doesn’t care about me. I’ve been crying on and off while calling local therapists. God, why is it so hard to find one? The amount of therapists that advertise but turn out to not be accepting new patients is unacceptable. I’ve looked into victims of DV/DA support groups as well.
In the span of less than a month my life is completely changed. And he isn’t remorseful at all. He just thinks it’s all my fault.
>**OP's last comment**: I will probably move. I saw my RA post get reposted on Twitter. I’m terrified he’ll see it and come for me. A lot of people commenting on it were saying he would try to kill me and I believe them.
🚨🚨🚨
[Another Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/z5e552/another_update/) posted on Nov. 26, 2022.
I have a divorce lawyer. That’s all I comfortable with revealing on here for the time being. I will also mention that I have moved locations. I am safe and secure. My work has allowed me to go fully remote. My STB-Ex does NOT have my location, nor are there any trackers on my phone. I am in contact with people and organizations who are helping me.
Earlier this week, the calls and texts really ramped up. I was advised to leave him unblocked and simply muted so his messages would come through. I read a few since I was curious. He wanted me at thanksgiving dinner with his family. He begged me to stop being this way and what was he supposed to tell his family?
Well, Thursday came and went. I had bought a couple of ready meals the night before so that was my feast.
I do want to take a break here to talk about my mom. Since it was only three of us every holiday (except the rare times friends would come over), my mom wouldn’t make a turkey. She would buy a rotisserie chicken and dress it up with stuffing, etc. She’d make dishes we loved rather than traditional thanksgiving dishes. My favorite side dish of all time was French fries. My dad loved grilled asparagus with cheese. So we would have a rotisserie chicken with French fries, asparagus, and some garlic toast (my mom’s favorite). The first time I had real traditional Thanksgiving food at a friends’ house, I apparently told my mom loudly I didn’t like it and asked where the fries were, haha.
So this year, instead of my STB-ex husband’s family’s thanksgiving food, I bought asparagus, fries, garlic toast, and a couple of slices of rotisserie chicken. It wasn’t half as good as my mother’s meal. But when I say I cried eating it… it felt like they were with me that night.
I guess my absence at the dinner forced my STB-EX to tell his family that I was separated from him. So Friday morning I got a phone call from an unfamiliar number. I answered it, thinking maybe it was my lawyer’s home phone or another person I was in contact with.
It was my mother in law. She begged me not to hang up on her. So I stayed on the line. She went on about how I was her daughter, she loved me, her son loved me, and how could I leave him over something so minor.
He only told his mom about the mustard, and even then it was a watered-down version that made me look like a neurotic control freak who needed everything my way. According to my MIL, he just made a side cup of it for me and asked me to just try it in the car.
And I started screaming I’d divorce him.
She then started probing about which lawyer I was seeing and what I had told them. She also reminded me that lying in court was a crime. My lawyer had warned me to not reveal anything we had discussed to his family. It took all my willpower not to say anything. Instead, I hung up and muted her number, too. She hasn’t texted or tried to call again.
Trust me, I would’ve loved to send the recording of her son screaming saying he ought to smack me upside the head, calling me a stubborn bitch, that he would divorce me, and that he would run the car off the fucking road if I didn’t start acting right.
I wanted to scream into the phone that her precious son started this mess and I was simply doing what he wanted.
I have come to realize you don’t treat someone you love like the way he has acted. Normal people don’t want to have sex with someone who has already said no. Normal people don’t keep pushing and obsessing over food preferences. There is something seriously wrong with that man.
He texted me last night (Friday) calling me a bitch for making his mother cry. He also said he would come find me and it would take more than a locked door to keep him from getting me and taking me home. I forwarded those to the right people.
I know this isn’t a happy update, but things are moving along quite nicely.
**Reminder: I am not the original poster.** | maedocc | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1064haf/new_update_my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like/ | 1064haf | 13,916 | 25,495 | [
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"2023-01-08T03:13:24" | AITA for for taking someone’s full cart at Walmart? | CONCLUDED | I am not the original poster. Originally posted on r/AmItheAsshole and r/pettyrevenge by u/ABearSniffedMyHead.
### [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uajclg) - April 2022
I’m buying spring cleaning supplies at Walmart. I’m (m 58) average hight but pretty fit and muscular, nothing outrageous, just, I can look intimidating. In the back of Walmart there are double doors that the employees use to bring large carts out to stock the shelves. It’s usually near Isles that must be stocked regularly like cleaning supplies or groceries. I here a girl say excuse me I need to get through. In front of the double doors are two women (mid 40s) talking with their carts blocking the employee from getting to the back. The girl says again, very nicely I must add, excuse me ladies I need to get through. The Women look at her, they know she needs to get through but continue to stand there talking. Attitude like it’s a big inconvenience for them to move out of the way. This just pisses me off. Why do people treat workers like freaking trash? I’m about to say something but hatch a better plan. One of the lady’s carts has her purse in it, so that’s a no go. I make eye contact with the girl and smile. I can see she it fighting her irritation. As I casually walk past the women I snag the other woman’s cart full of groceries and walk away. They don’t notice for a second then start to pursue me.
Now this may be were I might be the ass hole. I could have just left the cart and went about my day, but obviously that’s not what I did. As I quickly move down the Isles I put some of her groceries back on the shelf’s. I try to get the stuff close but I don’t have time to be perfect. The lady tries to pull the cart from me claiming that it’s her stuff. I say it’s not your stuff until you pay for it. And continue on my way. I didn’t get much put back on the shelf’s because she kept pulling on the cart. I take a bag of frozen chicken breasts and throw them back into the freezer case. Almost make it to the front of the store and the three of us are starting to make a seen so I abandon the cart but take several item with me, I think she was going to make chocolate chip cookies. They don’t follow me and I make a clean getaway. When I get back to my shopping I notice the other woman’s cart, her purse is not in it now so off I go. I roll it to the camping section pull out all the cold items there were only a few and I needed milk and butter anyway so bonus.
I told a friend about what happened later and she asked me why I was such an a-hole about it and wondered why I didn’t stop after I had solved the problem. She told me it’s just like a MAN (yes she said it like that) to think he has the right to be judge, jury and executioner. I don’t think I’m a misogynist pig but then again I am a guy so who knows. I did go back to the camping area later to put the rest of the stuff away but it was gone when I got there. I feel bad that an employee might have had to restock the stuff, my bad. I never did see the girl again, hope she had a chuckle about it.
So did I take it to far, AITA?
_Verdict: YTA_
### [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/ztmlt9) - December 2022
I’m (M 50’s) at Walmart and hear a girl (worker, 20s) nicely say “excuse me ladies“. I see two entitled women (40s) talking in front of the doors that the workers use to restock the store. The entitled woman look at the worker with the distain of royalty being interrupted by a filthy peasant. The worker with here empty supply cart again tells the entitled Bee’s that she needs to get though. Again the entitled woman blow her off with pursed lips and a dirty look. Now I have a particular sensitivity to people mistreating workers and these Bee’s have disrupted my delicate sensibilities. I walk past the entitled woman snagging one of the carts full of groceries and I take off. It takes them a moment for them to notice before they pursue me. I quickly traverse The back aisle and turn the corner towards the front of the store. One of the entitled woman tried to pull the cart away from me but I make it all the way to the front of the store before letting go. I make a clean getaway and go back to get my cart. Next to the restock doors is the other woman’s cart. Now before you call me the A-Hole I’m fully aware, but these people needed to be taught a lesson and I’m just the one compelled to step up. I grab the cart and head off to the camping section. I take the cold stuff from the cart. I needed milk and eggs anyway so bonus. Later I felt bad that some Walmart worker would have to restock the cart from the camping section. When I went back the cart was gone.
This happened like a year ago and didn’t think much about it. The other day I was at a restaurant with my extended family. One of the waitresses kept looking at me. I took me while to put it together. When she walked past I said “didn’t you use to work at Walmart?”. She got excited and exclaimed that she thought it was me. I had a haircut and lost some weight since then. She filled me in on the aftermath. The ladies complained to the manager that a guy tried to steal their stuff for no reason. The manager figured there was more to the story. The entitled women wanted the manager to find me and have me arrested. The worker girl told her what really happened and has since become store folklore. I told her I posted the story in #AITA and got voted the A-hole. She said your not an A-Hole your are a Legend.
My sister told her another similar story from when we were kids but I’ll save that one for another day. | threpost | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10685al/aita_for_for_taking_someones_full_cart_at_walmart/ | 10685al | 5,619 | 8,570 | [
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"2023-01-08T15:58:26" | I [24M] have been accused/framed of sending nudes to my coworker [26F] | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am** **NOT** **OP**. **Original post by** u/throwawayythisnewyea **in** r/relationship_advice
Trigger warnings: >!Inappropriate behaviour, blackmail.!<
Mood spoilers: >!Happy, but inconclusive ending!<.
[I \[24M\] have been accused/framed of sending nudes to my coworker \[26F\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/egafdw/i_24m_have_been_accusedframed_of_sending_nudes_to/) \- December 27, 2019
​
Let’s call my coworker Rachel.
Over last few months I’ve become good friends with Rachel. She lives with her bf, but we’ve been flirting with each other since past few weeks, after we were paired for scavenger hunt during office retreat. Up until the office retreat, our only medium of communication - the app we use for teamwork - Slack. Two groups - one is for office chat and the other group comprises of twenty something from work, more of an after hours chat group to hangout together for drinks/dinner. Me and Rachel were just friends until our office retreat last month.
We started having our own private Slack conversation and then later continued our conversation on iMessage (both agreed it would be risky to communicate to one another via office account). I did know about her bf a week after our office retreat, but she was the one who brought it up (and didn’t mind me flirting with her and vice-versa). She equally flirted back. Honestly, being single, it didn’t occur to me then that I should have stopped messaging her after she dropped “have bf” message.
We peaked our casual conversation by exchanging tens of messages everyday. She did ask me if I would like to join her for drinks after work at this bar two blocks down the road and I asked her if we could choose some place else, because I didn’t want to be spotted with her by some coworker. We did go out. This was two weeks ago. We later went out on five other ‘dates’ including two dinner, but I swear, it was platonic. We termed our ‘dates’ as an experience to try out new places. Oh, we haven’t kissed or held hand or all those gestures. I agree we flirted back and forth, but then we become close friends.
I took a week off to visit my family back home and out of nowhere I was shocked to learn that she posted a screenshot of our iMessage thread late last evening. I was shocked to see that thread with my dick pick (which I haven’t). I haven’t sent her iMessage in last two days. Last message on my end reads “Merry Christmas <Christmas tree emoji>” on Christmas Eve and her replying back with a thanks and bunch of emojis. I’m quite certain that she photoshopped the remainder of that thread with,
Me: Thinking about you
Me: <some other guys dick pic>
And she posted that screenshot, along with caption “niceguys”. She hasn’t even redacted my name.
I’ve been trying to reach to her since last 10 hours. This has been on Facebook all over. She hasn’t replied to my calls or any further messages yet, after the post.
One of my coworkers called me and sent me that screenshot from his Facebook, when he saw that post. Honestly I don’t understand why she has cooked up that story? I couldn’t see the post, because I was apparently blocked before she posted it. Seems like she has even blocked me on iMessage.
I’ve received numerous messages on Facebook and texts. Couldn’t sleep. I’ve decided to go to cops in an hour.
I’ve even sent out an email to our company’s HR last night explaining that it wasn’t me who sent that pic and attached screenshots on me end (thought this might escalate to HR sooner or later).
I also sent Rachel email, trying to be as polite as I could as the why she post that screenshot which we both know wasn’t something I did.
What’s stressing me out is the damage it has already done to my reputation - by the people who have seen that post. I have asked a trusted coworker/friend to send me screenshot of comments to that post every often since I can’t view that post.
Truly appreciate any inputs you guys might have. This was out of nowhere. What should I do moving forward besides contacting the cops? I worry that my word won’t hold against hers. Can I ask cops or HR to personally vet her inbox and validate that against her post? Because I know that would prove my truth that I haven’t send that pic.
Please help
TL;DR Coworker (close friend) posts a purported message thread on social media claiming that I sent her my dock pick
update: I was advised to file complaint in California since I live and work there. I’m gonna call lawyer who happens to be my mom’s cousin in California.
It’s very very stressful to endure being accused of sending dick pick when you haven’t. The embarrassment is driving me crazy. And load of messages in my inbox. I have this urge to reply each one of the.m explaining it wasn’t me but that might backfire. I don’t know.
\---
[Update: I (24M) was accused of sending nudes to a coworker](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/eh1wqd/update_i_24m_was_accused_of_sending_nudes_to_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3), December 29, 2019
A lot has changed since Friday. Most stressful time of my life yet.
I flew back to California Friday afternoon. Also hired myself a lawyer. Head of HR called early evening and said she wanted to sort this matter out beyond office hours. Rachel (not her real name; she is the one who accused me) didn't show up at work Friday. She was supposed to be working through new year, since very few personnel have been manning our work over the holidays. HR scheduled meeting at the executive conference room, which is 4 floors on top of our work area. She did advise me not to communicate with other coworkers till this matter is looked into by HR. I also informed her that I've hired a lawyer, for any ramifications that might unfold from this incident. She assured me that they will be fair and try to mediate this matter, as if I actually did send that pic.
I rushed to office Saturday morning. Thank god it was weekend and holidays, I would have had a panic attack if I had to come to the office on a typical weekday. I was early by at least an hour. The conference room was filled with a senior executive, two other women (who seemed like junior level HR personnel) and head of our HR. Rachel showed up right on time. Sorry for detailing but I remember all of this like it just happened a minute ago.
After an awkward start I showed the HR my iMessage thread. Okay Rachel was very defensive and she said something like "I was shocked and terrorized when I received that message" and she claimed she threw her phone in anger and her phone stopped working (she got her phone with cracked screen). WTF. She also claimed that she didn't reply to my messages and shut out because of that unusable phone. But she didn't hesitate when the HR asked her to surrender her broken phone or hand it to our IT guy. Oh, I also asked if she can show our iMessage thread through iCloud and she claimed she doesn't use iCloud.
Two things - she owns an iphone, ipad and a MacBook. It's very unlikely that she doesn't use iCloud for messages. Moreover, if she claims her screen was broken, how the heck was I blocked? I know she had her read receipts turned on from our conversation history but none of my past messages had any "message read" notifications. Anyhow our IT guy dropped by, took a backup and recovered on someone else's iPhone by afternoon. During this time we took a break and decided to reconvene by afternoon.
The IT guy came with restored phone and guess what - HER MESSAGE INBOX WAS EMPTY!! She was also asked to log into her apple account and even then her message inbox was still empty. She started panicking saying that phone drop might have broken some chip or something. Our IT guy checked her phone (we were asked to sign a consent before turning our personal devices to company) and did something with work profile config or something. All her app data were intact except notes, contacts and messages and photos. Our IT guy gave his conclusion that it was deliberately deleted. This was few hours ago.
Okay, since all of this was recorded, not on camera, but documented by one of the junior HR personnel, our meeting was adjourned and we had to turn our phones. Rachel was also asked to turn her MacBook and iPad as the IT guy belived they can recover from her other devices. And oh, our IT guy called what he said was our in-house iOS expert, who devised work profiles for all apple devices of employees - whether company issues or BYOD. This was around 4.
By 7 pm I received call from our HR where she said that they haven't been able to recover any messages from either of her apple devices. She also affirmed that IT thinks those messages might have been deliberately deleted, but they cannot prove that for certain - something that's required by company bylaws to terminate her immediately. Another thing, I was told on Friday that I cannot sue any current employees, which means that her hint of "terminate her immediately" makes me wonder if they are gonna actually fire her. I also spoke with my lawyer, who is certain that they will let go of her and then we can file a lawsuit of her own.
Not sure what the future is gonna hold for me, but all I'm looking forward to in the next few days is a legal obligation wherein Rachel is forced to publicly apologize everywhere for accusing me of sending her nudes. I haven't spoken to her or able to determine the true intention for framing me into this.
I'll be going to office late evening on Monday to talk to those IT guys and collect my phone back (I was cleared to collect my phone, not sure of rachel). I might also ask them if they found anything worth helpful, since at this point in time they are the only people besides Rachel that can see what's one her device.
Still two unanswered questions - if she would be fired (so that we can file a lawsuit against her) and WHY the heck did she do it?
Sorry, I saw so many comment notifications. I wasn't able to respond to all of those after flying back to California and the ruckus in-between. Would try to respond since it's gonna be Sunday soon. It's also interesting to know that IT guys don't have access to iMessages even after having installed work profile (we had a 30 minute video explaining what apple work profile is and how it works)
Rachel's demeanor was as if she was victim of an abuse. I'm really thankful to my coworkers, one of whom actually picked me up from the airport and helped me get some dinner, while this other coworker talked me over to not do anything crazy that I might regret. Tbh I was gonna send her a trashy email for having ruined my life but I was reminded by a friend that it's gonna hit me back if this was to be scrutinized any further. Oh, I also intend to reply to fb messages once we can initiate the process to sue her.
**Reminder: I am not the original poster.**
Edit: Wrong link for the first post | Kissegrisen | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/106mkmd/i_24m_have_been_accusedframed_of_sending_nudes_to/ | 106mkmd | 10,917 | 9,265 | [
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"2023-01-08T16:16:05" | Girlfriend wanted an open relationship so I broke up with her, now she wants to get back together. | CONCLUDED | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/ThrowRAOpenNot4me in r/relationship_advice.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zy984m/23m_23f_girlfriend_wanted_an_open_relationship_so/) (29 Dec 22)
**(23m) (23f) Girlfriend wanted an open relationship so I broke up with her, now she wants to get back together.**
I (23m) was dating my ex (23f) up until a month ago. We were together for 4 years before that. So before we broke up she was acting distant for a good month then as of last month sat me down and asked for an open relationship. The minute those words came out of her mouth I broke up with her.
I came into this relationship expecting a monogamous relationship and now she wanted to change the relationship, I only want to be with one person, If we couldn't agree on that saw no future, with the way she was acting before this i cant trust her and even if she wasnt acting shady I wouldn't be able to trust her anyway for suggesting it. Those are some of the reasons I decided to break up with her im that moment even though it might seem harsh. Imo if someone wants a relationship like that the relationship should start like that for it to be healthy, not just dumped on your partner after years of monogamy.
Now ive been getting texts and voice mails from her crying to take her back and that she didnt mean it. Im not sure what to think. Some people have been telling me that I acted to rash and didn't even give us time to work it out and that it was cruel of me to do that. Is this something i acted to quick with or not?
Tldr girlfriend suggested open relationship, i broke it off now she wants to get back together
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/100oryi/23m_23f_update_girlfriend_wanted_an_open/) (01 Jan 23)
**(23m) (23f) UPDATE: Girlfriend wanted an open relationship so I broke up with her, now she wants to get back together.**
I thought i would give an update since people dm me to post one when i can. I didnt expect to update this soon though.
After posting and expressing to some people that i had a suspicion she cheated on me i couldnt get the nagging feeling out of my head. I didnt want to know at first but decided to go digging and ask mutual friends what ex had been up to that month she was acting shady. I didnt expect one of her closest friends to spill the beans but she did.
My suspicions were correct, she had been cheating on me with a mutual friends cousin. I decided to message the guy on fb. When i messaged him, He wanted to meet in person so i met him at a local pub. When i got there he apologised and explained everything. How he didnt know she was in a relationship and that the day she called me wanting me back is the day he found out and broke it off.
I cant fault the guy, he seemed genuine and really apologetic. On the plus side i drank for free the entire time. He seems like a great guy, especially considering how he broke it off right away once he knew. I wont lie, hes a handsome and great guy and i would let him fuck me to rub it in my exs face lol.
But at least i have a bit of closure now. Ive blocked my ex on everything and im gathering her stuff shes left here to mail to her so she doesn't come knocking. Its taking a lot of power not to leave a note in the box along the lines of "Mark seems nice, to bad you lost him to".
Sorry if some of this makes no sense, im typing this on phone and my fat thumbs are doing me no favours. It also doesnt help im a bit tipsy but im glad i could vent and get advice from you beautiful fuckers of reddit.
Tldr - she was cheating
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP & don't text the OOP, you'll get banned.** | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/106n0dw/girlfriend_wanted_an_open_relationship_so_i_broke/ | 106n0dw | 3,679 | 16,579 | [
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"2023-01-09T03:51:37" | AITA for telling my brother the truth on why I don’t ask him for anything? | ONGOING | **I am not the OOP. OOP is /u/seventy-ones posting on AITA and their profile**
Trigger Warnings: >!Gaslighting!<
Mood Spoilers: >!Unresolved pending OOP's family responses, but SIL's behavior is clearly suspect!<
**[Original Post (Deleted from AITA, moved to user profile)](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zzfb56/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_truth_on_why_i/)** - Dec 30, 2022
I (19f) have 3 brothers (27, 28 and 32). My oldest brother (Dave) got married to Sara in May.
I study halfway across the world from my hometown where my family are. I got really sick a few months ago and rushed to the nearest hospital. Turns out they don’t accept my insurance and I had to pay out of pocket. I was €50 short and called everyone I could but no one was picking up. I then called my oldest brother (Dave) because he always picks up and asked him to send me €50 and I would send it back once I get paid in a few days. He told me not to be ridiculous and he didn’t need me to pay him back €50.
Sara called me that night and asked how I was doing. After the chit chat, she asked if I could ask someone else the next time I need money because my brother is a married man. I was shocked but i apologised and said I offered to pay him back. She said it’s fine but next time, I should plan my finances in advance so I won’t have to rely on a married man.
It’s my birthday soon and Dave called to ask what I wanted. I said nothing and that I was fine but I appreciated him asking. My other brother called to ask what I want and I said I wanted some money to heat my apartment. I couldn’t afford to heat it this month. He was baffled that I was so broke I couldn’t afford heating and I wasn’t saying anything. He started tearing up on the phone call with me and ended the call, and sent me $500 later. I guess he told Dave about the call with me because Dave called me and started interrogating me on why I just told him I didn’t need anything, and then asked my youngest brother. He sounded offended and asked why I feel like I can’t rely on him. I asked “haven’t you spoken to Sara about this?”. He was confused on what I meant and I told him about the conversation I had with Sara after he sent me the €50 for the hospital. He said he’d call me back but he hasn’t.
A cousin of mine sent me a message a few hours ago saying I was a bitch for meddling in their marriage, and that Dave didn’t owe me anything. I was like ???? When did I say Dave owed me anything? I have never relied on him for anything, nor do I plan on it. I mean I feel bad that Dave and Sara are fighting it I can’t help but feel weirded out that Sara did that behind his back and he had no clue. I’ve been extremely anxious and I can’t stop shaking. AITA?
-------------------
**[Update (in user Profile)](https://old.reddit.com/user/seventy-ones/comments/100sv2u/update/)** -*Jan 01, 2023*
Again, I hope this reaches some of you lol.
So my middle brother called me yesterday and asked me to explain what’s been going on and I did. He’s always had quite the temper and got very angry about the Sara situation. He mentioned how Dave is paying the rent for Sara’s 22 year old brother’s apartment, so for Sara to ask me not to ask Dave for anything at all was so messed up when her own brother is getting his rent paid every single month by Dave. Tbh this made me mad. It’s ok for Dave to support her brother but God forbid he sends me €50 for an emergency right?
Anyway, Dave called me and we had a heart to heart conversation. I explained to him what I’ve been going through here and he was silent for a while. I did mention that if I was in urgent need of something, I still had my other two brothers to ask so it really wasn’t that terrible. He said he feels so guilty that I was suffering and he didn’t know. He said he won’t tell me the details about his discussion with his wife but he was heartbroken that she would even think of telling me not to rely on him, and has asked her to give me an apology which she said she did, but at the time of the call I hadn’t received anything. I said I haven’t gotten an apology from her and he told me to check my messages again, still nothing. He was silent for a while and just sighed. I also mentioned the text my cousin sent which he asked me to forward to him. He said he felt so bad that people so much older than me were treating me like this and he will deal with so it never happens again.
That was this morning. I got a message from Sara 10 minutes ago. Not sure how that’s meant to be an apology but to summarise, she said “I’m sorry if you took what I said as you can’t ever rely on your brother. He’s your brother and I would never intentionally try to make you feel like he couldn’t do anything for you. I’m also hurt that you couldn’t speak to me if you had a problem with it. We could’ve solved this as sisters”. Now wtf am I meant to say to that? I know she’ll make time the villain if I don’t respond but honestly what on earth is that?
-----------------------
**Reminder I am not OOP. Marked ongoing sounds like SIL's shenanigans will continue to develop and OOP might keep us updated.** | empathosynchrony | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1073tms/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_truth_on_why_i/ | 1073tms | 5,143 | 12,132 | [
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"2023-01-09T10:51:47" | I am thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because of his changed mindset+ UPDATES | CONCLUDED | \*\*I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Throwawaysurvivormom in r/TrueOffMyChest\*\*
​
trigger warnings: >!misogyny!<
​
mood spoilers: >!Frustrating but good for OP!<
​
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[I am thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because of his changed mindset](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zuqxk6/i_am_thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend/)\- 25 December 2022
I am literally disheartened by it. I(25f) have been with my boyfriend(27m) for 3 years. He has been sweet and caring towards me. He would always buy me flowers and cook for me sometimes. I was madly in love with him and I appreciated all his efforts that he put in our relationship. But lately he has been consuming a lot of red pill MGTOW content. He is a fan of someone who I wouldn't say name of but everyone knows who is that famous red pilled bald guy is who has bugatti. At first I didn't mind. Because he seems fine. Moreover, he started going to the gym after he started listening to those podcasts. But lately he became this toxic person I don't like. A year ago when we moved in together we split the chores. Now he says he doesn't want to do that because he is a man and it is a woman's job. He constantly says that I should quit my job because women are supposed to be submissive and he is supposed to be the provider. I got angry and told him that he has the nerve to say that when he is living in my apartment that is leased under my name. That's the first time we had a huge fight. He accused me of cheating because I would hangout with my male friends. He would always share posts about how men don't need woman and how they are happier without women. Also some derogatory posts about single mothers and girls with a high body count. I was really disgusted by this.
The final straw came when I heard him and his friends talking. His friend cheated on his girlfriend, Gigi. Now she wants to break up with him. My bf laughed and said "women". They went on and on about how women are dramatic and that she should be lucky to have a rich guy like his friend as her boyfriend. It is a man's right to cheat because every great man walked on this planet had multiple wives. After his friend left I yelled at him for being a misogynist and a hateful person. How can he say something like that about someone who is hurting. He laughed it off by saying Gigi is now emotional and she will come back to him because women do not care if a man cheats as long as the man provides for her. And his friend is rich so it wouldn't be a problem. I told him this is really ironic coming from a guy who lives in his girlfriends apartment and can't even own his place. I know I struck a nerve. He hit the wall beside me and yelled how it is my fault that he has not progressed yet. And again blamed my job because every successful man had a "submissive" wife and if I was like them he would earn more money. I do not understand what my job has to do with it? It is not making him lose his money or occupying his time. I had enough i told him to get out or I will call the police. He stomped out and called me b-word. I am still a little shaken from it. What happened to the sweet boy I fell in love with? I wish I could get him back. But I don't think I can live another moment with the monsters he has become.
Edit: spelling.
​
​
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/101blzv/update_i_am_thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my/) \- 02 January 2023
I wasn’t going to update but someone actually wanted to know. Someone also messaged me asking for an update. So here is it if anyone cares. I didn’t end up spending my holidays alone. Gigi came with her friend Tina to my house. They both showed me group messages between my boyfriend and his friends. They basically shared nudes of other girls. Even Gigi and Tina’s picture were there (Tina’s bf was also included in that group). I was shaking as I scrolled through the messages. They were all bragging about the girls they hooked up with and whose gf is the hottest. I was looking for my bf’s messages. Even though there was no concrete evidence of him cheating on me, he did make some obscene comments about other girls and even talked about sleeping with them. That was the proof I needed. Though there weren’t many responses, I went with what the majority of the people told me. I packed his stuff and called my brother to find a locksmith to change my lock. I was a mess to say the least but some part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I knew that the man I loved is still there. Maybe he was under a lot of stress that I do not know. Either way I will have closure.
Two days after the Christmas, I went to his friend's house where he was staying. He looked happy to see me. We sat down and I laid all the things that had been bothering me. I told him that his behavior had been off and he was turning into someone that I resent. I liked the man who used to be funny and a little goofy but whoever he turned into is not the person I fell in love with. I even mentioned that ever since he has started watching those “podcasts” he has been like this. He tried to deny it. Although he told me that he misses being with me, he was just trying to justify his actions, even his laziness towards chores. It was just all over the place. I wish I was lying but he started chanting the same thing like he is trying to be more “masculine” and as a man it is his job to provide and my job to be his partner. He doesn’t like the fact that I have to go out to work just to keep us afloat while he has been struggling with his job and career. I understand where he is coming from. Having a low paying job can be stressful but it is no excuse to treat me like his slave. I never held it against him or called him less of a man because he earns less. This conversation went nowhere.
I brought up the group chat, he obviously got angry and started calling Gigi the b-word. I asked him if he was really cheating on me. He didn’t say yes or no. He just told me he hasn’t slept with anyone other than me. There was some harmless flirting but nothing more. I wanted to shout at him but I was in someone else’s house. He had the audacity to justify that it is not his fault if he ever “cheats” in future because a man cheating is not the same as a woman cheating. A man cheating is basically biological and he needs it. He even said a man can cheat and still love their partner. And telling a man to be monogamous is cruel. I had enough. This made my decision stronger. I told him if he can’t even promise me loyalty then don’t even bother calling me. I went home and pack rest of his stuff. I asked my brother to drop his stuff at his new place.
Later that night he came banging on my door. I didn’t open it. He accused me of being a bad girlfriend. And that I am making a huge mistake. That he is my last chance to have a family because I am 25 and already past my prime and soon will be 30. And no man wants a 30 year old hag. He went from screaming to apologizing and promising he will do better. He has nowhere to go. My brother yelled at him to leave us alone or he would call the cops. He kept cursing with every bad word in the dictionary. I snapped and yelled “Go suck (bald man with bugatti)’s d-ck”. So I guess that's about it. I do miss him badly. I still kept one of his hoodies with me. I miss that man who made me breakfast and brought flowers. I miss the man who was supportive and was all over a gentleman. Maybe he is right. I will never find someone who made me feel so love like he did once. I am just looking for a place to vent. My heart is broken into pieces. It's hard to believe we broke up for something so strange. I wish this was all a lie.
Edit: I just wanna say thank you to all the people who have shown me some sympathy. I was really down and I decided to read few comments. They really melt my heart. I know I can never bring him back. Maybe the old him is still there somewhere. I hope one day he wakes up and realizes how wrong he was. But I won't be there. But I do hope he changes for good.
​
\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster. \*\*
Edit: I fixed the dates
​ | None | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/107bidi/i_am_thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend/ | 107bidi | 8,348 | 7,115 | [
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"2023-01-09T14:15:08" | My Wife Is Dead. The Best Christmas present I Could Have Gotten (TOMC Jan 1, '23) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/Training-Noise-9549 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 1, '23, updated as an edit, undated.
Trigger Warning coming in...
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Trigger Warning: >!Drunk driving, cheating, death!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/100s11f/my_wife_is_dead_the_best_christmas_present_i/)
My wife is dead. The best Christmas present I could have gotten.
At the beginning of 2022, I caught my wife having an affair with one of her exes. Our marriage wasn't perfect, I was not the perfect husband I will admit. But, I did my best. I put effort into the entire 5 years we were together. I put my all into the relationship. Her, I could not say the same.
I was forced to confront the reality of who she truly was shortly after I caught her. She illegally evicted me from our shared home, lied to the police to try and get me arrested, tried to get me fired from my job, and tried to turn all of my friends against me. Some of these succeeded, while others did not. She has made my life a living hell since the day I asked her for the divorce and has planted her heels into the ground over our separation to try and drain all my finances and emotional strength from me. The only upside is we had no kids for her to use as weapons, but I soon found out that her policy of strict birth control with me did not extend to her suitor as he got her pregnant 5 months ago. I thought maybe this would help speed along the divorce, but it only rallied her in her efforts to destroy me.
On Christmas eve, my wife and her suitor went to a party where both of them got drunk (I find this fact terrible as all her friends knew she was pregnant as well.) Her suitor drove them home, a mistake that would cost them both their lives.
In the state I live in, our divorce is now considered to never have even started. I will be able to claim her life insurance policy for myself and move back into my home.
Her parents called me up distraught yesterday. Acting as if the last year had never happened and offered their full support to my funeral preparations for her. My confusion here was beyond belief, but the apple does not fall far from the tree when it comes to my wife. I told them if they want a funeral, it was coming out of their pockets. I will pay for her to be cremated, and deliver her ashes to them in the cheapest urn offered if they desire. They called me horribly and tried to guilt me about her life insurance, but after only 4 minutes on the phone with them, I hung up and blocked every one of her family's numbers.
I'm going to be taking a few extra days off work to move back into my house over the next week. I've already made arrangements to have her stuff hauled off so my home will be an empty canvas to start my life anew. I don't know if there is a god, or if this was just karma, but I truly believe now that I have come out on the other side of the storm.
*OP's comments*
Judge me how you will. I will not argue with how my actions influence others' opinions about me. I just know that if the situation was reversed, my wife would be shopping around for a sports car with the life insurance money she collected on me.
You're right. I don't like them, but they do deserve her things if they want them. I'll unblock her mom and offer to make arrangements to deliver her stuff wherever she wants. If she wants it all or only certain things I'll eat the cost and deliver it to her. I'm already paying to have it hauled and trashed so no point in caring where it goes.
I cut those people out of my life when they turned on me due to false accusations that I had video evidence to prove wrong. If her lies being exposed in 4k are not enough to convince them, they are nothing more than anchors to be released in the sea.
I will be installing cameras at the house tomorrow, the locks have already been re-pinned. My divorce lawyer has already given me recommendations and I am meeting with an attorney on Wednesday.
**Update:**
I have decided to elaborate on a few common threads I see in this post here, as responding to all the comments would be too much.
Firstly, some are judging me for the way I am reacting to the death of 3 people. You're right, it is not normal nor is it healthy. I feel no emotions toward my ex at this moment. All my hatred, resentment, and regret evaporated when I learned of her death. I feel nothing but relief right now. This void has slowly consumed me over the past few days. I feel numb. Like I'm dreaming. Like what happened is not real. This woman made my life a living hell for over a year. She set out to destroy me, and would not stop until she did. I do not like the fact that I feel this way over the death of 3 people, but that is not a box I feel ready to unpack at this moment.
Secondly, I have reached out to my Ex's mom today and things are much more civil as of now. I'll pay the hauling company to move her stuff into one of their storage units and they can figure out the rest. Her mother revealed to me that they cannot afford to host a funeral for my ex. I am 100% the legal beneficiary of her life insurance. Despite my past hatred for her family, I told her mother I will give them a small amount from her life insurance so they can have a service and arrange burial logistics for her. This is contingent on us cutting ties after and I will not be involved any further in her funeral. I will still be talking to a lawyer.
Lastly, I am not going to elaborate any further except the only lives lost was hers, her suitor, and their unborn child.
Some are saying I should sell the house. Right now, I only want to return to my home. The details of where I end up, either there or somewhere over the rainbow, are yet to be determined. I do not know what life holds for me, or for any of us. This event happened, maybe for a reason or maybe the universe has no logic at all. This "Gift" put an end to a period of my life that sent me to the brink of destruction, it's morbid to think that the death of 3 people was what pulled me to the other side alive. It's interesting how quick it can all change or end.
**Just a reminder that I am not the original poster** | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/107ffi7/my_wife_is_dead_the_best_christmas_present_i/ | 107ffi7 | 6,204 | 17,817 | [
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"2023-01-09T23:41:55" | My husband said something that upset another woman last night but he wont tell me what it was (TOMC Jan 1, '23) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/NovelBook5256 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 1, '23, updated as an edit.
Trigger Warning coming in...
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Trigger Warning: >!Mentions self harm!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/100jj7f/my_husband_said_something_that_upset_another/)
My husband said something that upset another woman last night but he wont tell me what it was
Basically just a vent because I know I'm probably just going to drop it. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Last night we had a New Years party at our house and a lot of neighbors came.
My husband was speaking to one of the neighbors, 26f, and then all of a sudden I looked over and she was really upset, the conversation they were having was clearly intense. I went over there to see what was going on but by the time I got there she just said she was leaving, my husband seemed really flustered and was saying that he was sorry. After she left I asked what happened and he just said that he had said something that upset her. I asked what he said and he said that it was part of a personal conversation they were having, that he wasn’t sure exactly what part of what he had said that upset her but it was personal and he didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with me because of how personal it was.
This incident clearly bothered him and it’s definitely still bothering him. I don’t mistrust my husband, he says that the conversation they were having was personal but not romantic/he wasn’t hitting on her or vice versa or anything.
I guess I’m just bothered because this is something that seems pretty big (she was really upset, she left shaking and trying not to cry) and he’s not telling me what it was, I know that he’s allowed to have privacy in friendships/relationships but if anyone leaves one of our parties in tears I kind of think I should know why, or at least get some details on why.
**Update**
WOW some of you have severe trust issues. This is just something that annoyed me and I wanted to vent about it-I had literally no reason to ever think he would cheat on me or step out on our marriage but some of you seem to know my husband better than me apparently (since I'm in denial, lmfao). Ok so here's what happened.
They were speaking about tattoos (my sister-in-law, his sister, is a tattoo artist), and she was saying how she wants to get a quarter-sleeve tattoo, and pointed to the area where she wanted it (inner forearm). On the area were two large scars. My husband, having been drinking and not having a ton of common sense, asked her if they were self-harm scars (they were). She asked if it was obvious that they were from self-harm, that it had happened years ago and she thought the scars were inconspicuous enough that nobody would notice them, or would think they were from a cat scratch or something. He tried to assure her that nobody would draw that conclusion unless they were looking at the scars very closely, but she still got insecure about it. She asked him if she thought everyone who's seen her arms over the years drew the same conclusions, he said no but she still got extremely insecure about it.
She has anxiety issues and she says she knows she got in her own head but she started thinking about how everyone from people from the grocery store to people she worked with knowing or assuming something so personal about her because of scars that she didn't think anyone noticed. She began having an anxiety attack and just wanted to get away from people and back home.
Anyway, I assured her that it was highly unlikely anyone noticed her scars (I never had) and this was confirmed by a text my husband sent to his sister about 10 minutes after she left saying basically he had someone who was interested in getting her arm tattooed but she had some scarring on it.
He didn't want to tell me about it because he didn't want to disclose the fact that she had self-harmed without first talking to her again and apologizing for asking her something so personal.
Thanks for listening to my vent! I feel better it's all straightened out now :)
**Reminder that I am not the OP, this is a repost** | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/107u53x/my_husband_said_something_that_upset_another/ | 107u53x | 4,196 | 9,379 | [
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"2023-01-10T05:23:17" | My fiancé (M34) is being inappropriate towards my little stepbrother (M18) and I think our relationship is over (TOMC Jan 6, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/ThrowRA-8910 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 29 '22, updated Jan 3, '22.
*The title date is a typo, sorry.*
**ETA: NEW UPDATE Jan 10th, added at the bottom, below the 🔴🔴🔴s**
TW ahead: DID YOU KNOW, When you have a cat declawed, they are not just removing the toe nail. They have to *amupate* the last bone in the toe. This is comparable to cutting off the entire last 3rd of your fingers right at the last joint. Declawing a cat will take away their ability to climb and defend themselves. It can make walking and jumping very painful. It can also be painful to walk on litter, causing them to go outside of the box. There are a lot of amazing and affordable alternatives to declawing. Different types of scratch pads, nail caps, deterrents... If you have a cat that scratches, feel free to hit me up for specific product recommendations.
Trigger Warning: >!Grooming, sexual harassment, brief mention of sexual assault (statutory rape)!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA-8910/comments/1026mji/what_my_original_post_said/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
My fiancé (M34) is being inappropriate towards my little stepbrother (M18) and I think our relationship is over
I'm yelling into the void because I have no one to talk to and it's so messed up.
I'm using fake names to make it less confusing. I posted in a different subreddit on christmas eve looking for advice and some of the background is copied from that.
My stepbrother Tim (M18) has been part of my family since he was a little boy. I (F33) am obviously quite a bit older than him but we have always been very close. Even though we arent related by blood hes always been my little brother. I have been with my fiancé Mike for 10 years so he knows Tim very well and he has always been very fond of him. They have always spent time together joking and playing around so that's not weird. I have always thought Mike saw Tim as a little brother.
Tim has always been a sweet bubbly type of kid. He's very friendly and affectionate. He went through a period when he was around 16 when he seemed quite sad and withdrawn. Then when he was 17 he came out as bisexual and he seemed much more happy and confident once he opened up. Lately he has been back to his usual self. I've noticed he can be quite flirty with certain people, usually my friends. I don't think he means anything by it, it seems like he just finds it fun and enjoys getting some attention. He's a very good-looking boy and people tend to flirt back. I've had to tell off a few of my friends but there's only been one occasion when someone has been seriously out of line. I had to cut out one of my female friends entirely because she was extremely inappropriate with him from the age of 16 and acted on it when he was barely 17. I'm overprotective of him because of what happened because I partly blame myself.
Tim doesn't direct his flirtiness at Mike. However, over the last few months I've noticed Mike tends to involve himself when Tim is having those kind of interactions with someone else. It wasn't blatant enough to say for sure it was intentional but it was enough that I noticed and started being more watchful. Since then I've noticed other things. Mike can be quite physical with Tim - hugging him, ruffling his hair, tickling him. That wasn't unusual when Tim was younger but he's 18 now and it seems slightly out of place.
Mike has asked him some really personal questions about sex then acted like he was just kidding around to embarrass Tim when I told him to cut it out. For example he has asked Tim how he masturbates or what he thinks about when he's doing it, to me that's totally inappropriate. Then recently there have been two separate occasions when I've noticed Mike browsing Tim's Instagram (which has a lot of photos of him) then he seemed guilty when he saw I was there. I know it doesn't sound like much but I was getting such a strange vibe from Mike when he's around Tim and I couldn't ignore it.
Then we all spent christmas day together. To cut a long story short, we had a huge argument on which led me to believe my suspicions were correct and we are not currently on speaking terms. I'm staying with family but they are unaware of the whole story.
I'll try not to make this unnecessarily complicated, please ask if anything is unclear.
I didn't have a chance to speak to anyone in my family about my concerns before we all spent christmas together and it didn't seem like it would be appropriate timing anyway. Mike and I were due to spend the day at my mum and stepdad's home, my Tim still lives there full-time. We live nearby so we weren't staying over. My mum mentioned the day before that Tim was inviting a friend who's family doesn't celebrate. That isn't an unusual situation so I didn't think anything of it.
When Mike and I arrived, Tim's friend was already there. They were both very friendly and polite then after a while they went to play videogames together in the main seating area. It was quite obvious they either liked each other or were already dating - they were awkwardly flirting with each other and holding hands when they thought no one was looking. Everyone (apart from Mike) thought it was cute.
Mike was extremely quiet and snappy for more or less the entire time we were there. He was drinking more than usual. I was driving so I didn't drink at all and my parents only had a drink or two so it stood out. He snapped at me when I asked what was wrong and when I suggested he slow down. It was very uncomfortable. My mum and Tim were both getting anxious, Tim's friend seemed confused, my stepdad was obviously losing patience with Mike's behavior. We ended up leaving right after dinner because I was so uncomfortable and he was silent the whole journey home.
When we got back I asked him what the hell his problem was. I don't remember precisely what was said so I'm mostly paraphrasing. He said he guessed that he was the only one who noticed what a "rude little shit" Tim was being and that he ignored everyone and spent the whole day "making out with his friend". He used a very aggressive tone of voice and sarcastic air quotes when he said "friend". I told him that was totally untrue and even if it wasnt I couldn't understand why he would be so irate about my little brother paying more attention to his friend than him. I asked him why he's been so weird about Tim, but I made absolutely no reference to the specific concerns I've been having.
Mike completely lost his temper and said "are you saying you think I want to f\*\*k your little brother?" or something similar. It was a bizarre outburst and he said some very unpleasant, graphic things which he decided I was accusing him of. This was unprompted by me and I don't see how he would have jumped straight to that conclusion unless there was an element of truth to it. I don't remember exactly what I said in response. I didn't really challenge him and I told him he was scaring me. He went to the spare room and slammed the door. I drove back to my parents' place and told them we had a fight. I've been staying there since. I told Mike we need to talk and he said "I agree" but he's barely been in contact and hasn't responded to any of my suggestions of when we could talk. I have no idea what's happening.
My family are obviously aware something is wrong but I haven't fully explained it and I don't know how. They have noticed its directed at Tim but they seem to think it's due to homophobia rather than anything else. Tim is upset and worried. I really don't know how honest I should be with him. I don't even know for sure what Mike's issue is. I've told him he's done nothing wrong and it's Mike's problem.
Obviously Mike and I haven't made any decision about our relationship because we've barely spoken. It doesn't look positive. I don't know if I could feel the same about him after how he's behaved. His strange behavior around Tim is also one of several things I've been worried about and his outburst scared me no matter what caused it.
I dont know what the hell to do. I'm open to suggestions. Thanks.
**Edit**
I'm not sure where to start as I wasn't expecting anywhere near this many comments but I wanted to address some of the points being raised. I know I've been sent some private messages but I can't read them without using the app and I'm paranoid that if I use the app it will link this to my main account.
A lot of people suggested Mike may have harmed Tim in some way when he was younger. I can't say for sure, I haven't asked Tim. Obviously I don't want to believe that could have happened but I realize even people we love and trust can sometimes be capable of doing awful things. I never had any concerns about how Mike acted when Tim was younger. There were also a lot of things going on for Tim that we are already aware of that explain why he was sad and withdrawn.
I've never had any impression before now that Mike was confused about his sexuality. If that's something he's struggling with it's possible that that's what's causing him to lash out. I've also never known him to be homophobic but I can't 100% rule that out as a possibility either. As bad as it sounds, homophobia would be preferable to the alternatives.
I posted this as a comment but I'll add it here: When I say Tim is flirty, I don't mean he's sexually inappropriate in any way. He's an awkward teenage boy. It's mainly things like expressions and body language, it's obvious because he's not very good at it. Its normal for teenagers to act like that at times. It doesn't bother me too much if people think it's funny or cute but grown adults should be able to restrain themselves around a teenage boy batting his eyelashes at them (not literally but hopefully you get my point). If he crossed any lines or did anything to make someone uncomfortable or himself unsafe obviously I would speak to him about that but to my knowledge he's never come close.
I will talk to my parents and Tim today, I just need to figure out what to say. I agree that honesty is best. I'll look into legal advice on how to move forward with Mike. Obviously we aren't yet married, we don't have kids, pets or a mortgage. We do have a shared tenancy and a joint account for bills but that's it. I don't think the relationship has a future regardless of where his anger is coming from. I still want to speak to him though.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1026uh5/update_my_fiancé_m34_is_being_inappropriate/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
The situation is far from being fully resolved but this will be my last update. I wanted to make a final post because I received so much advice and supportive comments which I was grateful for. It has been a very confusing and difficult time.
I posted shorter updates on my profile after talking to my ex-fiance "Mike" and my brother "Tim". These are [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA-8910/comments/zz65cb/update_after_talking_to_mike/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA-8910/comments/zzojj7/another_update_after_speaking_to_tim/). I will try to summarize as briefly as I can.
Mike contacted me and said that he wanted to talk but would prefer to explain himself in writing first to allow him to express himself more calmly. He said "I know what you think this is and I understand why but I promise it's not like that". In his email he said he experienced confusion about his sexuality when he was a teenager, he had a difficult experience (rejection and losing a friendship) and ended up never addressing those feelings and trying to hide and ignore that aspect of himself. He said that Tim coming out brought out a lot of confusing feelings and he admitted that he did "initially believe" he was attracted to Tim/jealous of people Tim was interested in and he admitted he did think about him sexually.
He said he never would have acted on this and he was disgusted with himself for thinking that way. He said he "now realizes" that he is envious because he regrets never exploring when he was Tim's age and seeing him now makes him feel bitter, especially seeing him with his friend/boyfriend. He apologized for his behavior and for lashing out the way he did. He wanted me to speak to him before I spoke to Tim or my family which I didn't agree to. Ultimately the fact that he has been struggling with his sexuality doesn't change the fact that he has been experiencing sexual attraction to my teenage brother and has been speaking to him inappropriately and having angry outbursts.
After I received the email, I spoke to Tim. I apologized for Mike's behavior at christmas and I asked him if he'd noticed Mike behaving strangely or making him uncomfortable before now. He said yes, he thinks Mike has been acting differently around him since he came out. He mentioned the very intrusive personal questions as an example without any prompting. I agreed that it was completely inappropriate for Mike to talk to him like that. He said he didn't want to make a big deal over it because he knows some straight people get overly curious but he didn't seem fully convinced by that.
I told him I was very concerned about how Mike was speaking to him and behaving around him and I asked him if he'd done or said anything else to make him uncomfortable. He said there was "nothing big" and he didn't want to imagine Mike would ever do that or view him in that way. He said he has felt uncomfortable at times at things he's said or the way he's been looking at him or talking to him but he felt bad for feeling that way. I tried to reassure him that he's done nothing wrong and it's completely unacceptable for Mike treat him that way and he isn't wrong to feel uncomfortable. I tried to encourage him to open up but he didn't want to.
At the time, I wasn't sure how much information to give him because I didn't want to overwhelm him. I told him Mike and I are no longer together and I asked him to tell me if Mike tries to contact him in any way because I'm concerned about his behavior and his lack of respect for Tim's boundaries. I brought up social media to remind Tim to be cautious about his privacy settings and block Mike. I asked if Mike ever interacted with his social media and he said no. I didn't want to bring up that I'd seen Mike looking at his Instagram because Tim was already upset and I thought the most important thing was just to make sure he's safe for now. I asked him if he had questions or wanted to know more and he was definite that he didn't. He kept apologizing. I did my best to reassure him that none of it is his fault.
After he'd had a little time to process what we had already discussed, I asked if we could talk more and he agreed. To keep it brief, he is now aware of everything I have discussed in my post and my updates. My mum and stepdad are also aware. It was an extremely difficult conversation. Tim is confused and hurt. Our parents are understandably furious. I had expected them to be angry with me for putting Tim at risk but fortunately they weren't, at least not outwardly. Everyone is feeling a lot of guilt. Tim is blaming himself regardless of how much we reassure him. My parents and I are blaming ourselves for not recognizing what was happening.
Tim was adamant that Mike hadn't done anything else that we aren't already aware of. However, the way he expressed this was by saying things like "it was nothing serious" or "it was stupid really". He admitted that there were multiple occasions that he felt uncomfortable because Mike got far too close, was looking at him very intently or put his hand on his leg or touched his face. He said it felt very uncomfortable but he didn't think it was enough to be certain that he was being inappropriate.
I have ended my relationship with Mike. Initially he was calm and said he understood. However, I've since had to clearly explain that I am not the right person to provide him with emotional support right now. I gave him a couple of suggestions of people or services he could speak to and I have now blocked him. Where possible, I'm hoping to deal with the practical matters like our tenancy through a third party. I want as little contact with him as possible. I haven't thought about what to say to mutual friends. However, my closest friends are people I met through work who don't know him well so I won't be isolated.
That's about all I can say. I appreciate the advice and support I received.
🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴
https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA-8910/comments/108g9qs/update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Update
I noticed yesterday that I'm still signed in to this account and I've still been getting some messages which I wasn't expecting. I decided to do a short update since a few people are still concerned.
Mike: I haven't spoken to him directly since I last updated. I've been dealing with practical issues via his older cousin. She is aware of the basic details of our break-up. So far as I can tell, she wants to support him to get help but doesn't seem interested in making excuses for him or condoning his behavior. I have had some legal advice regarding finances and tenancy but so far things have been reasonably straightforward and Mike seems to be cooperating. He hasn't tried to contact me since I blocked him and to my knowledge he hasn't tried to contact Tim either.
Tim: He is putting on a brave face but I'm concerned about him. He is very reluctant to talk about Mike's behavior towards him and I think he is still minimizing it. I suggested he could speak to a therapist and he agreed straightaway. On one level that's obviously a positive thing because he needs the support and it's better if he doesn't feel pushed into it. However, it also concerns me because it is very unlike Tim to agree that he needs to speak to someone. He very rarely admits when there's something wrong and I suspect it means he's really struggling.
He is adamant nothing happened beyond what we are already aware of and even though I'm not confident about that im not going to push him. He has been a little more open about the level of his discomfort despite not wanting to acknowledge that Mike's behavior was serious. He admitted that he's been having recurring nightmares for over a year about Mike making advances or being sexually inappropriate towards him, then afterwards feeling guilty for being scared of Mike "for no reason". It sounds like he's been subconsciously picking up on Mike's behavior but trying to ignore it. It breaks my heart that he's been holding on to this for so long. I'm beyond disgusted by Mike for putting him in this situation and I'm furious with myself for not recognizing it sooner.
On a positive note, I've gotten to know his new boyfriend a little better. They're extremely cute together. His bf is around a year older and he seems very supportive and sensible. They met through a LGBT+ board games club Tim has been going to lately. His bf is aware of what's been going on and actually made a fairly accurate assessment of the situation just from observing Mike's behavior at christmas. I'm very glad that Tim has him to talk to even if he's not comfortable fully opening up to me.
Me: I'm still waiting for the full emotional impact to hit. I'm much more concerned about Tim right now. Other than that, I'm focusing on the practical issues like finding somewhere permanent to live and I'm throwing myself into work. I have supportive friends and my family are fantastic. I've made an appointment to speak to a therapist in a couple of weeks time because I think it will be needed. I'm angry with myself for not picking up on the signs much sooner and for trusting Mike, but aside from that I have no regrets about how I've dealt with the situation and feelings about the end of my relationship are completely unambiguous.
I don't think there's anything more to update on. I just hope my brother is able to open up about how he's feeling and work through the completely misplaced guilt he's feeling.
**Reminder, I am not the original poster**
*I am flairing this concluded as OP has broken up with the boyfriend* | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1081jaz/my_fiancé_m34_is_being_inappropriate_towards_my/ | 1081jaz | 20,444 | 7,854 | [
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"2023-01-10T05:51:49" | My soon to be former MIL is why I'm divorcing my husband (TOMC Jan 3, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/last_climate_2159 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 16 '22, updated Jan 3, '23
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/znuy6x/my_soon_to_be_former_mil_is_why_im_divorcing_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
My soon to be former MIL is why I'm divorcing my husband
throw away since husband uses reddit
I'm planning to divorce my husband, I'm not here to have people try and change my mind, I will follow through no matter what everyone says.
I (23F) and my husband (27m) have been together just shy of four years and married for nearly two. And I'm done, I have done everything, I agreed to slowly down college classes so that I could stay home more while he worked and had to take even less once I got pregnant with my 1yo. I'm a SAHM and he's the breadwinner.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, childrearing while taking my classes all of which are online so I can watch my daughter. I agreed to this because I thought on his days off he'd help me, he'd take care of my daughter and let me rest or go out with friends and that hasn't happened at all.
He comes home and goes to his "man cave" to game for hours at a time. When I do see him he always complains about something or other, usually chores I missed or to tell me dinner's taking too long.
And my MIL, who I've tried to get along with for the sake of my husband and daughter is simply a bitch. She's a self proclaimed "boy mom" and told me when she met me that I'd never be good enough for her son. She raised him to be lazy, he doesn't know how to cook the most basic of meals, clean and god forbid I ask him to watch my daughter. He hates "babysitting."
Weaponized incompetence is a behavior I've become familiar with to say the least.
Whenever we have a fight he runs to mommy and she'll call me to scream at me and tell me I ruined his life. His dad is no better, he gave my husband a cushy job in his company he doesn't deserve that definitely pays him too much since I know he probably just bums around the office all day yelling at people.
I have a bag packed, money saved and will be going to my brother's and my SIL who's a lawyer has agreed to help me divorce the useless pile of shit that I married. I'm ashamed to admit when I called him and SIL about them helping me they told me they'd been waiting for me to open my eyes and realize I needed to leave.
I wish that I could stay and raise my daughter with my soon to be ex but I've finally realized he'll never change, or grow and that my MIL is enabling his behavior and will never accept me as her daughter in law.
*In the comments:
>Why do you keep saying "my daughter " and not our?
OP: Because he doesn't contribute to raising her at all. She's my daughter and nothing but a nuance to him that he has to deal with making noise while he games
*About letting MIL babysit:*
She never babysits or visits we live "too far" (30 minutes away by car).
I'll be miserable staying with my husband, without him I have my brother, SIL, parents and extended family to help me and I can go back to college full time and get my degree.
I would leave him without a support system or penny to my name because no matter what happens my life will be significantly better without him in it
*Comment says doing everything at home without help was "equal" to the husband working all day:*
OP: I don't think they're that "equal" considering he can come home from his work, I can't stop being a parent or take a day off when he won't help me with anything around the house
He was so sweet at first I ignored things like how rude my MIL was the first time we met, he made excuses for her, saying she was always like that and not to take it to heart, she'd change once she warmed up to me. He told me he wanted to start a family and that he couldn't see marrying anyone else. I feel so stupid I fell for all of that now I know it was all lies
He lived with his parents still and his mom did everything for him. I stupidly thought he'd change and become responsible after we got married and moved in to our house. I figured it'd take time for him to learn how to cook and clean, he never tried but I thought eventually he would if I was patient. It took four years to realize that wouldn't change but better 4 then 40.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/102lruq/update_my_soon_to_be_former_mil_is_why_im/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Hello everyone, I thought you all would appreciate an update.
Since my post I've realized that while my MIL is a massive problem, she is far from the root cause, my husband himself being lazy and refusing to help me with anything is the issue. He has never supported me and I should have realized far sooner I was being taken advantage of. I didn't but at least I've only wasted four years of my life instead of forty trying to make something work that never will. I hope my MIL will like having her son all to herself again, she can do all his laundry and clean for him.
As of Christmas me and my daughter are staying with my brother and SIL.
On Christmas my MIL was supposed to come over so that we could spend time as a family. Since making my first post I'd began to take all my necessities, hide them away and then have my brother take them in his truck to his house so that I could leave quickly and efficiently.
I knew I couldn't take another Christmas with my husband and MIL. All MIL does is criticize my cooking and parenting while my soon to be ex husband and my FIL do nothing. So I "left" to make a last minute run to the grocery store with my daughter. Really I'd gone to get our coats, left the divorce papers on his desk in his gaming room and left in my brother's car who'd come to pick me up. I turned off my phone and we had a laid back night eating Chinese food and watching Christmas movies.
SIL is helping me with the divorce and custody negotiations, both of which she's optimistic that I'll get the majority of my demands. Since leaving MIL, ex husband and FIL have all called me to scream at me and I've recorded everything and I will be using every text, phone call and voicemail to ensure I get full custody.
Thank you to everyone who wished us well, I hope you all had a happy new year | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/108227u/my_soon_to_be_former_mil_is_why_im_divorcing_my/ | 108227u | 6,411 | 13,393 | [
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"2023-01-10T16:30:28" | [28f][32m] Husband thinks I live a sad life | ONGOING | I AM NOT THE OP. OP is u/throwRApizzad423 **from** u/relationship_advice
Trigger Warning:>! toxic relationship !<
Mood Spoiler: >!weird and sad!<
[\[28f\]\[32m\] Husband thinks I live a sad life](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/100nc0o/28f32m_husband_thinks_i_live_a_sad_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) \- January 1st 2023
We have been married for one year but have known each other for two years. My husband and I were enjoying the new year, and he told me he wanted me to do more this year. I am a stay-at-home wife and have no friends or siblings; I have never been good at making friends; I get so much anxiety from talking to people that it has just never been my strongest suit. My husband told me that sometimes when he's at work and I text him, he feels like not answering because he's busy, but he thinks about how all I do is stay at home, and he just sort of feels bad for me. He said he feels kind of sad when I tell him that the highlight of my day was when I got home and that he wants more for me, saying that all he wants for me is a group of friends that I can go to brunch with. Or complain to when we’re disagreeing. I told him that I don’t need anyone but him and I'm genuinely fine, but he doesn’t seem to think so. I do have a political science bachelor's degree and worked as a paralegal for 2 years, but I found that so unfulfilling that there was just nothing I was passionate about. He said that he wants me to put myself out there and go to cooking classes, knitting classes, and a language class, but I am honestly fine. I really don’t mind him being the center of my life. He just makes me so happy and fulfilled; I don’t know how to convince him that my life isn’t as sad as he thinks.
I kind of feel bad because he told me he doesn’t like that my happiness relies on him, but he told me that it not because he find me exhausting but because he doesn’t think it healthy for me to only have him for human interaction but I have lived most of my life without talking to other so I think it fine….
***comments***
***What she does..***
''I clean, cook, buy groceries. Basically take care of the household''
***her replying to peoples advice***
"So I just shouldn’t text him as much unless he will find me boring, I guess I can come of clingy sometimes. I will try and do things he finds exciting to make him happy. Thanks for the advice."
"I didn’t realize that I was being exhausting, if finding a hobby makes him happy then I will definitely do it now."
***single comment***
"I have always struggled communicating with people and being genuinely happy. Before I used to sleep for long periods of time and work a job I hated. Now my routine is not that different but I feel happier knowing I am waking up to him, so if anything he kind of healed my depression.
I don’t really know what it means to have a personality of my own or whatever. I have always been very dull and quiet. I have never - I don’t know how to explain, I have always been alone - so I don’t really know how to talk to people. My mom homeschooled me throughout high school and I know that was years ago but I still find everyone to be very I don’t know scary. I don’t like being alone so I try my best to make my husband happy now, I feel like my plan backfired and am just panicking that he gonna leave me. Like am constantly scared that he gonna leave me then I get images of myself sleeping in bed alone. I really don’t know how to not revolve the things I do around him. I am constantly thinking of ways to make him happy so he doesn’t leave me. I don’t want to think like that but it just how I think."
***someone suggesting depression and anxiety***
"How do I know if I have depression or anxiety? I know that situations with people aside from husband gives me anxiety but do I really have anxiety."
[\[28-F\]\[32-M\] Update; husband think I live a sad life](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/102bynq/28f32m_update_husband_think_i_live_a_sad_life/) \- January 3rd 2023
Thanks for the advice, I showed my husband the post and he reassured me and explained what some of you were telling me. I have a low eq so it takes time for me to understand some things for what they are, I wasn’t purposely missing the point.
I don’t feel like am ready to do group oriented activities yet so am gonna start with therapy and an online book club & video game.
Some asked about my family - My mother is the only family I have but we lost contact because she was mad I went to college and that I decided to move out, she thought I was ungrateful even though I was grateful. I think she was good mom but she was a little too caring and protective. For example she still bathed me when I was 17 and I wasn’t allowed devices unless there were for learning time. I was only allowed to leave house once a week to the library and for my act exam. if it wasn’t for the librarian I don’t think I would have known how to apply.. (the doors were always locked and she always hid the keys but I never really had any reason to go out since I was homeschooled)
Some people are worried about my financial independence. I did sign a prenup because my husband comes from money but it did mention that he would give set amount of money if we ever divorce just not any of his properties. My husband gave me 3 properties in my name, I rent them out so I have income from that. My husband handles that process but I know I always get a set amount of money in my account from it.
Edit: I got message from someone thinking my mom abused me, she didn’t hit me or anything. She just babied me a-lot.
**comments**
**"**Thanks for the advice, I made sure to make goals to achieve for the end of every month plus I have my husband to keep me accountable.**"**
***someone asked why her mother bathed her at 17***
"I don’t know, she just loved me a lot. She was a loner too so I was all she had. So she put a lot of effort into taking care of me"
Edit - Hi am op, I just saw the message about my post being here. We met at chipotle, he came and sat with me and started convo, he told me he like me because me because am a good type of weird and laughed at the things I said a lot, they weren’t even jokes just me being me (I tend to take things literal or am very oblivious most of the time; I guess that can be funny to some people).
I can form relationships if the person approaches me and take initiative, I don’t know how to start conversation if it not work orientated. He did most of the work in our relationship like he took initiative in every aspect (he called/texted first and initiated s*x & date nights). I have formed relationships before but they all fell through with me being too dry or weird.
I just want to clarify with this comment that I don’t have low Iq, I did go to college and passed granted it was community college and I did maintain jobs. I meant I have low emotional intelligence sometimes I don’t know how to read expressions or interpret things in the way people mean.
For some reason I can’t post on that forum
I AM NOT THE OP. | throwragnaik | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/108e1ar/28f32m_husband_thinks_i_live_a_sad_life/ | 108e1ar | 7,118 | 9,065 | [
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"2023-01-11T02:09:36" | OP ask of he's the AH for skipping the New Years celebration at his childfree sister's place. | ONGOING | ***I am NOT the OP, this is a repost!***
​
[**Original post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1013kys/aita_for_skipping_new_years_eve_at_my_child_free/) **on** r/AmItheAsshole **(Jan 2nd 2023)**
**AITA for skipping New Years Eve at my child free sisters?**
Last week I hosted Christmas for my family. I (33M) have a 2 year with my wife. Every year its at my sister, parents, or my house and it rotates every year. One of us hosts Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years. In the last year my sister, who is vocally child free, got a dog. I love my sister, but we are very much opposites. When I had my kid it changed our relationship a bit. She tolerates (her words) my son. She has never watched him, i've also never asked. My son is present at all family functions, this annoys my sister.
My sister has turned into your classic dog mom. World revolves around the dog type. I do not own dogs, and really don't want to be around them. I don't want them in my house. Well my sister wanted to bring her dog to Christmas, and I said no. Its well trained and overall okay for a dog, I just didn't want it at my house, or even my yard. She complied and left it alone but was not happy about and let me know that several times.
The day before New Years Eve, she told me kids weren't welcome at her house. I was taken back by this and asked why. She just said alcohol would be present (we all drink and family friends also come to this party), and just said it wouldn't be appropriate for a 2 year old to be present. My wife and I had planned to only stay till 10 anyway and then would go home because of our kid. We reconsidered and opted to not go at all and respected my sisters wishes by keeping the kid at home. I let her know a half hour before the party started.
Wife and I treated it like any other night, we didn't even stay up till midnight. By Eleven, I noticed missed calls from her, and didn't answer. Fell asleep while texts started coming in. Calling me an asshole. Calling me a dog hater. Saying it was rude I didn't come to the party. Said it was bullshit that she got my kid a Christmas present but didn't get her dog anything. The list went on, she was clearly drunk. I tried to call her, she didn't answer and got a text, "I'm not answering asshole". So AITA here?
​
**Comments:**
>*"Said it was bullshit that she got my kid a Christmas present but didn't get her dog anything."*
>
>*I know this must have been super unpleasant to deal with, but it cracked me up. Your sister sounds ... difficult. NTA* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1013kys/comment/j2lhfiz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
>*NTA-*
>
>*I say this as a kid and dog lover.*
>
>*She was testing you and wanted you to protest when she said that her nephew wasn’t welcome. You didn’t take the bait and she ironically threw a toddler sized tantrum.*
>
>*Good for you and your wife for not arguing, complying, and staying home.*
>
>*The only misstep is that you called her back, should’ve just ignored it.*
>
>*I would leave it alone, this is a her problem not a you problem and no you didn’t need to get her dog a gift. I rolled my eyes at that one. Lol* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1013kys/comment/j2lh8lq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
>*NTA*
>
>*I’ll probably get some hate from some ‘pet parents’ here but kids and pets are just not the same.*
>
>*If you don’t want the dog at your house, those are the rules.*
>
>*If her next move is to ban your child from her house, great, you never need to go there again.*
>
>*She can leave her dog home alone. You can’t leave a two-year-old home alone. Comparing a child and a pet is comparing apples and oranges.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1013kys/comment/j2li426/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
>NTA fact that your sister’s text mentioned the dog and Christmas means that her no-kid rule for New Year’s was directly related to your no-dog rule at Christmas. [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1013kys/comment/j2lg27o/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
**Judgement: NTA.**
​
[**Update post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1034ayq/update_aita_for_skipping_new_years_eve_at_my/) **on** r/AmItheAsshole **(Jan 4th 2023)**
​
**UPDATE: AITA for skipping New Years Eve at my child free sisters?**
So earlier today, I finally talked to my sister. In the past few days it had been drama free, with some today.
A few things to address,
* To be honest I was pissed at my sisters rule. We had looked for a babysitter in the time we were informed no kids to when we said we weren't coming. All our usual baby sisters were going to the party (like our parents, Aunts), and no one outside that usual crew were available. Hence the last minute no
* For those asking when I told her no to the dog coming over on Christmas. I told her the day before, because that is when she asked. This is her first year with the dog so I had no idea she had the expectation she would bring it. Apparently my mom told her to ask me first instead of just bringing it.
* She lives 10 minutes away.
* She's been vocal about not liking kids since she was a late teenager. She is child free by choice as far as I know.
So I got the drunk texts because family members were disappointed my kid wasn't there, especially the ones that don't see my son that often. My sister told them she was trying to have no kids at the party, they were surprised by that since my sister has never hosted a party where the kids of the family were not invited. One other family member that has kids ended up having one stay home with their kid. So my sister did communicate this to more than just me. Seems like others weren't happy with her decision.
We talked today and she is still mad about Christmas. Told me she wants me to accept her dog as family. I told her it can be family to you, but it isn't going to be family to me. It can be your everything, but it will never be to me. I told her my kid is more important than her dog. I'm not a dog person and will never be, and I just don't want it at my house. Apparently the attention my kid gets from family (including my mom) bothers her. It was clear from the beginning she wasn't going to be an involved aunt to my son (which makes me hurt and sad), but I didn't realize there was this much jealousy. I'm just going to give her space for a while then reach out.
​
# Friendly reminder that I am NOT the OP, this is a repost. | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/108shnt/op_ask_of_hes_the_ah_for_skipping_the_new_years/ | 108shnt | 6,686 | 7,770 | [
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"2023-01-11T02:38:03" | OP's father wants to have a relationship with her again. She responds with a detailed PowerPoint presentation explaining exactly why he will never be forgiven. | CONCLUDED | ***I am NOT the OP, this is a repost.***
**TW:** >!Child abandonment and neglect, death, mentions of suicide attempt.!<
**NOTE: Please remember the no brigading rule and do not engage with the original posts by OP.**
​
[**Original post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/aita_for_responding_to_my_fathers_request_for_a/) **on** r/AmItheAsshole **(Dec 9th 2022)**
​
**AITA for responding to my father’s request for a relationship with a detailed PowerPoint on why he will never be forgiven?**
If I’m the AH here, I’ll own it. I’m not sorry, but like it would be good to know because the rest of my family thinks this went too far.
My (24F) mom died when I was 7 from leukemia. I have very few memories of her from before she was sick and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her in her last year but she was an artist and until she couldn’t anymore she would make me little collages when she was in the hospital with drawings and photos and messages for me. My grandmother put them all in a book for me after she died. I wanted to be like my mom and my counselor thought it would help, so I started a journal where I would do kind of a similar thing and I’ve done at least one page a week all these years ever since my mom died, more when I miss her or have something hard going on. So, I have kind of a unique record of my mental state over the last 16 years.
My father remarried when I was 9. My step-mother really leaned hard into the “I’m your mom now” and my father didn’t stop her. It improved when they had my half-brother because she basically forgot about me then. Unfortunately he got cancer when he was 3. And I pretty much ceased to exist for my father, he was either working or gone with my brother and I spent all my teen years mostly at home alone or with my grandparents. The mantra was that my brother needed to be the focus because he might die so I needed to not be selfish since I was healthy. I stopped trying to talk to him when I was 16 and it was a dark time. I moved out when I was 18 and cut them off completely.
My grandparents let me know that my brother died a couple of years ago but respected my desire to remain NC with my father. He recently reached out to them because he wants to see me and talk. I went through my old journals and made him a PowerPoint with images of the entries where I had talked about being frustrated and feeling abandoned and unwanted, some with literal quotes of things my dad had said to me during arguments. Even the really dark stuff from when I was seriously depressed. Then I ended it with a photo of one of my mom’s collages where she had written “Remember that your dad and I are always here for you” and I wrote “You failed. Go away.” underneath. I felt like him being able to see it from my literal perspective would communicate why I don’t want him back better than I could.
Evidently it worked, but a little too well because I’ve been bombarded by family telling me that it’s understandable that I don’t want to see him, but what I sent gutted him and he’s completely fallen apart after reading through it and it was unnecessarily cruel.
Maybe it was, I know my bar for that is kind of weird sometimes, so AITA?
Edit - A couple of follow up notes, since it came up the comments:
1. I loved my brother. I don’t resent him. He was a good kid and I wish he was still with us. None of this is his fault, to me it is completely my father’s and to a lesser extent step-mother’s. The parents prevented me from spending time with him as he got sicker so I wouldn’t have been allowed to be there for him even if I had been able to (which I wasn’t towards the end because I was also struggling to stay alive).
2. I have empathy. I understand what my father lost, I was there. I also lost those same people plus effectively my father. Even so, to me there is no excuse for completely shutting your own kid completely out of your life while also preventing them from getting any kind of help. I understand depression and freezing up, I’ve been there, and I still even not being an adult managed to consider the impact of my behavior on other people. If he was that bad off, he should have given me up to be raised by someone else. My mom’s parents asked and he wouldn’t agree to let me stay with them full time. I could have had a dad that was able to occasionally tell me he loved me even if it was just a text message. Alternatively, I could have lived with my grandparents and had people around me who cared about me every day even if that wasn’t my father. I got neither and every request for help of any kind was met with “suck it up”. I can empathize with having to function while breaking down inside, but I can’t empathize with what he did.
3. I gather from relatives (who have backed off after some hard boundary setting) that my father and step-mother split not long ago and are in divorce proceedings, which is why he reached out now and why the rest of the family was upset with how I responded at the time - he wasn’t in a good place already. I’ve told them that if they care about him to encourage him to keep away from me, refuse to pass on any messages, and try to get him into inpatient care or something if they’re that worried he’s going to do something rash. I don’t want anything to do with him and I’ve told them that I don’t want to hear about anything that happens after this point, but the rest of his family love him so for their sake I hope he pulls himself together.
​
**Comments:**
>*NTA, i have a saying "If the truth about your conduct paints you in a bad light, the problem isn't with the truth. Its with your conduct." If the truth hurts your dad its his own to deal with and not on you.*
>
>*Edit: Thank you all for the many awards! I wasn't expecting it to blow up the way it did ❤️ For those loving the saying and planing on using it happy to help! Its been a very handy saying and its helped me lots, hope it helps you all too.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izjw42w/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
>*NTA in the slightest. You told your dad how you felt and it made him have to confront his failures as a parent. It is not your fault he neglected you. He is upset because he knows what you put in the PowerPoint is the reality of how he treated you when you were just a child. Now that the truth is out and you have reestablished NC, I hope you are able to let go of some of the anger you have at him and know that you did nothing to cause how he treated you. I’m no contact with my dad and have been able to find a lot of peace in the life I have built without him. I hope for the same for you.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izjvgld/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
>*Holy shit. NTA but that was brutal. I pictured the "You Failed" popping up at the end like when you die in Dark Souls.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izjvgql/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
​
>*Is your damage so great there is no room for forgiveness?*
>
>*When my kids were little, the <1yo went into kidney failure (due, I'm certain, to miscare from a doctor, GP giving his mother a dangerous antibiotic). So his 4yo brother was dumped on mostly friends (no relatives close by) and we were juggling time, as my ex spent most of her time with the sick child and I was at work. He got through it, but I still feel sick with guilt at how we just foisted his brother off. We only had so many resources, physically, temporally and emotionally. Things are mostly OK, but every now and then he slips a crack in; he doesn't blame his brother, though they don't speak much now (religion). And I don't know how to heal those wounds. We did the best we could at the time, but there was only so much of us to go around when he was in a hospital some distance away. We did our best. There's a lot more to my story but I'll leave it there.*
>
>*OP, you have a chance to get back the parent you lost. Some people would give anything for that, don't leave it until it's too late. Even if it's just to confirm what you already feel, if you don't do it, you'll lie awake wondering after he's gone. And regret hurts like hell.*
>
>*There is no manual for parenthood, not really, because every family's different.*
>
>*You're Not The Asshole. And he is Not The Asshole. It's life. It's hard, sometimes sadly when you are young and just wanted him to wrap his arms around you and tell you it would be OK. Really hard. Give him a shot. If he ruins it, you have a clear conscience. Or you might have a chance at a future you never imagined.*
>
>*Let the downvotes commence!* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/j07b3mn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*In a word, yes. No apology no matter how sincere will change the past or undo the damage done. There is nothing he can ever do that will fix anything Hell, I have medication and therapy and I still sometimes have to make a conscious choice to stay alive, what could he possibly even do that wouldn’t be laughably inadequate? Any time spent on him would be a one sided gift to him only. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t care if he’s sorry. I don’t think about him unless he’s brought to my attention by someone else. I have nothing to say to him anymore. My life got better when I decided that he could already be dead and gone to me so I see no point in exhuming him. I think people who would kill to have a parent back likely had something good in that relationship to hold onto or something positive to receive from it even if it was fraught. I don’t, chances are excellent he’ll just find a way to make things worse. He always seems to.*
>>
>>*As someone on the other side, those little quips from your kid are likely just the tip of an iceberg that goes way deeper than you will ever know and will always be there. Some people can forgive abandonment, but nobody ever forgets what it’s like to be powerless and terrified and have it solidly proven to you that you are an expendable loss to the people who control your whole world. You were in a no win situation, I do get it and at least you seemed to have handled it a bit better than my father since your kid wasn’t alone most of the time, so possibly your consequences aren’t as severe because the situation wasn’t as severe. But you still gambled with a vulnerable person’s mental health and nothing you do will remove the knowledge of that choice from your son, so if guilt and the occasional catty comment are your consequences, I think you got the better end of that deal to be honest.*
​
>*I wouldn’t say YTA here but really, what’s the purpose of it? He fucked up, he was going through a lot, two people he cared for deeply getting cancer and dying is a lot to handle, not everyone can. Now he’s lost his only other child. You really want to carry that bitterness with you your whole life? Reddit can be very dismissive of people, but really, why not repair a family bond?* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/iznh1l1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*The purpose of it is that I never want to hear from him again. Now if he had any questions, he knows exactly why I don’t want him my life and it has been reaffirmed to him that he needs to stay away. I don’t want a bond with him. He will never be able to fix the situation, I have exactly zero positive feelings about him, and he has nothing I want or need anymore. He’s effectively already dead as far as I’m concerned and I don’t do necromancy.*
​
>*This might be ESH. It all depends on how insistent your dad was. There's a politeness level to consider.*
>
>*Doing a 4+ page repeat of "you were not there for me" is probably a punch in the face to someone who was attempting to reconnect. If he wasn't getting the message, he might have needed that. If it was just one request, the last slide alone was clear and still hard hitting, and the whole presentation I would call "excessive force".*
>
>*Regardless, he was an AH for neglecting you, and your feeling are justified.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/iznjekt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Everyone in his family knows I’m NC and dead serious about it. My mom’s side grandparents only passed along the info because they suspected he might try to contact me some other way and didn’t want me to be blindsided. Even attempting to reach out is an affront that shows he still has no concept or respect for my feelings. If this keeps him from ever trying to breach NC again, that is the desired result. I’m perfectly capable of reaching out if I ever change my mind, there’s absolutely no need for him to do anything but stay away.*
​
>*I see neglect perhaps even preoccupation on other things but I don’t know if you ever expressed how you felt before NC? Seems unnecessary with the NC not being explained* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izmdzwm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*I tried to talk about it a lot when I was in my early teens but by the time I was around 15 I knew it didn’t do any good and I was also pretty set on taking myself out by then and I knew if I talked to anyone about how I was feeling they would lock me up somewhere. I just stopped talking to anyone at that point. Going NC without warning was partly a “why bother?” thing and partly a “I know the next unaliving attempt is going to succeed and I don’t want to do it here.” thing. Fortunately as soon as I cut off my dad, things got less awful and I was able to get some useful help instead of being told to just deal with it.*
​
> *Edited comment: After reading OP's response in the comments, I change my judgment to NTA.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izkwz34/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Pretty much ceased to exist is accurate. No birthdays for me, no phone calls when they were gone, never came to anything for school, no holidays together. Went an entire summer without a word from him one year. He didn’t even notice I was gone for a week after I left. When I tried to talk to him about things I was told to suck it up, basically. So, yeah, I’d have actually been better off if he was also dead and I lived full time with my grandparents, at least then I could have pretended that he would have been there if he could have.*
​
>*Info: Neglect is a severe issue, but I would like to know if there were any issues beyond that and a bad stepmother? It seems to me he was put into an impossible position when your brother got cancer.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izkxuah/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*It’s hard to have other issues when someone is never around and barely remembers to talk to you if you’re not in trouble. This went on for years. My mom was dying in the hospital and she still managed to always make sure I knew she loved me. My father couldn’t even manage a phone call or a post it note on my birthday for 5 years. Other problems would have been an improvement.*
​
>*NTA but it seems he not only shoved you aside, he stole any chance you had to have a relationship with your brother. You don't need that in your life.* [\[link\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zh2g3s/comment/izk3mdh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Yeah, the shitty thing is I actually loved my brother a lot, he was always a sweet kid even when he was sick. Even if my step-mom sucked I kind of liked being his big sister and missing out on time with him is the only thing I really regret about leaving. I always kind of hoped he would get better and we could reconnect when he was older.*
​
[**Update post**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_1028585/comments/1038fxs/aita_responded_to_my_fathers_request_for_a/) **(Jan Jan 4th 2023)**
​
AITA responded to my father’s request for a relationship with a PowerPoint UPDATE
A bunch of people have been asking for an update so I’m doing it here instead of on the main sub because the original blew up more than I want to deal with again.
I had a talk with my paternal grandparents over Christmas vacation and showed them the PowerPoint. They had no idea that things were as bad as they were or that I was actively suicidal at the time and the “accidents” I had as a teen were not really accidents. So, while they think it was still dangerously harsh under the circumstances, they understand better where I’m coming from, admit that my father messed up big time, and that the family should have been more involved with me instead of just supporting him and my brother. They said that on the surface they thought I was fine and just having trouble adjusting, but if they had known about the things described in the journal they would have insisted my father get help. They do want me to reconcile with him, but they understand why it might be too late for that so they’ve agreed not to bring him up unless I do first and not pass on information either way. So, that was actually productive.
As for my father, I know a lot of people think I’ll regret it if I don’t reconcile/forgive/whatever, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I’ve tried to imagine a conversation with him that wouldn’t make things worse, and I can’t. Best case scenario, he’s sorry and has a good grovel, but honestly I think hearing that would just make me hate him more. Worst case scenario, nothing has really changed and I have to walk away before I end up with an assault charge. I also just can’t imagine any real benefit or function to having him in my life, so reconnecting seems like a lot of work for no gain. As far as forgiveness, I don’t know if that’s actually possible. Apathy, maybe.
As far as I know, he’s alive. I’ve made it super clear that anyone who tries to give me information about him that I don’t request will also get the chop, so I’m probably not going to get any further updates. I’d rather just go back to forgetting he exists.
For me, I’m probably as fine as I’m going to be. I have therapy and meds. I can pass for a functional human most of the time. My deal with myself is that I have to at least stick around until my maternal grandparents pass so they don’t hurt and I can wrap things up for them, so in the mean time I’m working on finding other raison d’etra. Spite, possibly.
​
# Friendly reminder that I am NOT the OP, this is a repost. | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/108t4vq/ops_father_wants_to_have_a_relationship_with_her/ | 108t4vq | 19,061 | 17,115 | [
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"2023-01-11T06:29:58" | (New Update) OOP's wife held a talent show at their wedding reception because she wanted to read a poem. Her friend who sang networked with a guest who happened to be a producer. She then became bitter for weeks | NEW UPDATE | I am not OP; that would be [u/throwrapitifulone](https://www.reddit.com/u/throwrapitifulone/)
Both the original and update were trending on the top of r/ relationship\_advice when they came out, and OOP gave what seems to be a conclusive update a little over a week ago. I want to thank [u/bitchyasshole](https://www.reddit.com/u/bitchyasshole/) for making me aware of the recent update
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/y4chpr/wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our_wedding/): October 14th, 2022
I (m28) knew her since college, and I'll get that out of the way first. The past few days have shown a different side of her that's a little surprising because Kate is her best friend from college. My wife (Nancy) wanted to do a mini talent show at our reception, and she talked it up beforehand too. She read a poem that she made for the event, and Kate performed a song that she wrote. Long story short, one of the guests who I invited is into producing, and he reached out to her after she performed. They exchanged information, and Kate was really excited. He wanted to network with her following the reception, and she even thanked my wife for hosting the talent show over text
But Nancy became really bitter about it, and that's why I'm writing this. She hasn't responded to Kate's message, and she said she regretted doing the talent show too. She also asked me to block Edward (the producer) on my socials/contacts, and I told her that that seemed a bit much. She didn't like my answer and said that I was wrong to "not take her side after just getting married", but I told her that she should be happy for her friend. She didn't like that either and vented to some in our friend group about how Kate was "bragging", but some of them disagreed. She said she didn't want to hang out with them for the time being, and that included me too. Two of her girlfriends even texted me that she was "overreacting" and that they were also surprised to see her act that way (they also asked if she was okay too). My dad is suggesting counseling and said that asking me to remove friends is an unhealthy way to start a marriage, and I'm honestly more than a little scared. I asked if she'd be open to counseling, but she said there was "no need" because "Kate was her friend first" and I "shouldn't choose Kate over her." I just want to ask what to do next since she refused counseling and sees no issue with cutting off our friends
edit: *I want to add that Nancy complained that her poem didn't get as good of a reception as Kate's song. Kate didn't study music in college but practices on the side, and her text was really thankful for the opportunity that the talent show provided. Kate is also engaged to her long-time boyfriend*
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yj9s89/update_wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our_wedding/): November 1st, 2022
It's been a little over two weeks since my first post, and I've had some time to try and process. A lot of it still feels surreal having known her since my early 20s and the 180 after the wedding. I want to address a few things that were asked in my first post before getting to the update. Nancy and Kate were not the only ones who performed in the talent show. During planning, Nancy said she wanted to "showcase" her friends and how "awesome/proud" she was to have them. She also said it was a bonding thing between her girlfriends (from our friend group), and the girls were the ones who performed. However, given her post-reception 180, it really surprised me in comparison to her pre-talent show mindset. A few people commented that she didn't need to have a talent show to read the poem she made for the wedding. She could've just read it at any time as the bride
**Update**: The reason I'm writing this post is because of something else that came up and led to a conversation. We had a vacation coming up, but she no longer wants to go on it. In the time since my first post, she's continued to have random mood swings due to thinking about Kate. Sometimes that's venting about how Kate "would have nothing without her" or getting really quiet and distant (even while eating). She's also still upset at her girlfriends who she vented to about Kate. But when they disagreed and called her out for being bitter over a talent show no one forced her to have, she told me to cut off our friend group along with blocking the producer/girlfriends too. When I disagreed, she became distant and said I was "choosing them over her"
My dad suggested counseling and talking to her again because asking me to cut off friends was an "unhealthy start to the relationship". So I talked to her after my first post and asked if she'd be open to it, but she said there was no need because "all I had to do was cut them off". She also said I was "choosing them over her" and that she wouldn't go on our vacation until I did. When I asked her why Kate bothered her so much, she said she tried to publish in the past (a novel) and "didn't get any hand-me-downs then". But when I reminder her that my friend was a producer on the side in his basement, she said I" should've known better than to invite him" as if I should've known he would've liked Kate's song. When I told her that I wouldn't block the producer/entire friend group, she said I was "entitled like Kate" and that she wanted a break because I didn't care about her. I told her that I love her but didn't think it was healthy to cut off everyone. I also told her that she should be happy for her friend because Kate was really grateful, but she didn't seem to care
She has since gone to stay with her parents and left some of her things in our apartment. I talked to my dad after she ignored texts/calls for a few days, and he suggested bringing up an annulment because it had gone too far. Her parents have also ignored my calls, but I want to clarify Kate's text before I'm done. Kate wasn't arrogant or anything to Nancy. All she did was thank her for putting together the talent show that allowed her to network with the producer after the wedding, and she also offered to take her out to lunch as thanks. There was no arrogance from Kate, and the producer is also engaged as some people inquired about too. I'm just really surprised and hurt that her bitterness turned me into a bad guy for inviting my producer friend as if I was supposed to see into the future and not invite him
*edit: Nancy got the idea to make a poem for the reception after watching the poet (Amanda Gorman) read her works at the inauguration and super bowl. She also said that it wasn't out of place for her to read at the reception when "most people watching football aren't smart enough to appreciate poetry"*
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapitifulone/comments/103f9q0/final_update_my_wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our/): January 4th, 2023
Just wanted to come back to conclude this because it's been helpful to hear opinions and get everything out. A lot of people asked how I was in messages, and there were too many to reply too. We are currently in the process of a divorce. She's staying with her parents, and I've had some time to process and see things differently. I want to touch on two things that's happened since my update. The first is a Facebook post she made about me and the guests. In her post, she said she was "supposed to win" and that it was an "unwritten rule" for the bride to win (as if wedding talent shows are normal). She also accused them of "smiting her on her day" when no one knew about the show beforehand except her participating friends. She then accused me of "taking Kate's side" instead of comforting her as her new husband, but taking her side meant cutting off our friend group as she had in the aftermath. I don't know how her parents feel after she called out both sides of the guests, but I really don't care at this point. She also wanted me to cut off my producer friend (Edward) who approached Kate after she sang her original song and asked if they wanted to collab sometime, and I want to focus on that
I talked to Edward recently about everything including how she wanted me to cut him off, and he couldn't believe how much it affected her. Nancy and I watched a football game at his house with him and his fiancée some months back, and he has a day job in an office. When I told him about how Nancy was jealous of Kate's "big break", he couldn't believe it and said that he planned to let Kate use his audio interface to plug into her guitar and record a high quality instrumental of her original along with his microphone too. He also said he wasn't great at mixing and was taking online courses to learn, so he was gonna suggest that she commission someone to mix/enhance the files they'd record because he was far from a professional. He's a really chill guy, but he couldn't stop laughing over how Nancy thought that he was all that. He only wanted to use his interface to give her a high quality recording after learning that she didn't have equipment and recorded her original on her phone. He and his fiancée planned to have her for dinner (just like they had me and Nancy over for football) and record it in the basement afterwards
Looking back in hindsight, it's crazy how you can be blinded to things, but I never imagined just how crazy she could get. I didn't say this in my first two posts because I thought it might overshadow her actions, but she sometimes posts about women empowerment on her socials, and I recently thought about that for one reason. When I asked her why she wanted to have a talent show, she said she wanted to "emphasize the importance of having good friends" because they were "important to a relationship". But as I look at it now, perhaps it was never about that. Nancy was bothered the second that Kate's song got a better reception than her, and she doubled down when she vented to two of her girlfriends after the wedding who called her out for being jealous, and that made her demand I also cut off our friend group. To everyone who asked what her poem was about, it was about women empowerment and the importance of having good friends and family when starting a family, and she told me the premise beforehand although she never showed me the poem. She wanted it to be a surprise, but I never had a chance to see it on paper after the wedding for... reasons. Many people also corrected how she said that Kate received a "hand me down" opportunity at the wedding, but the proper term was "handout" as many corrected. I really appreciate everyone who offered advice as it helped a lot mentally, not to mention looking back at how crazy it all was. Just hoping to fully get over it as time goes on, but I've gotten over some of it recently
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Notable Comments:
[u/themanfromUNCLE100](https://www.reddit.com/u/themanfromUNCLE100/):
*"How ironic your ex read a poem emphasizing the "the importance of having good friends" but when her friend got a better reception she got all jealous and mad and treated to cut her from the group. So much for the importance of friendship. OP you made the right choice to end the marriage"*
OOP's Response to [u/themanfromUNCLE100](https://www.reddit.com/u/themanfromUNCLE100/):
*"It's hard to empower others when you don't want them to be happy, but she just didn't seem to get that. She just wanted to win the show and got upset when she didn't"*
[u/throwraway86420](https://www.reddit.com/u/throwraway86420/)
*"Omg so your friend isn't even a producer. He just has some equipment that Kate can use. What a kicker.... your soon to be ex is something else. I get jealousy but to take it to this extreme?!? Also I get it if Nancy had sang a song as her talent and Ed didn't offer to record her, I mean it's still unreasonable, but it makes more sense"*
OOP's Response to the above comment:
*"He's trying to be a side producer and currenting taking online classes to learn how to mix, but all he wanted to do was help her record higher quality instruments/vocals with his interface because her original was recorded on her phone, then send what they recorded to a commission artist who knew how to mix better than him to help Kate. So he's a producer in learning, but she assumed that Kate signed with Jay-Z and kept saying how no one gave her a break when she tried to publish years ago and that Kate wouldn't have one if she didn't have the show"*
[u/FuckStummies](https://www.reddit.com/u/FuckStummies/)'s response to OOP's reply to throwraway86420
*"Dude it’s absurd. Everyone I know (self included) has a usb recording interface. Everyone from bedroom musicians to podcasters has one. So your friend offered to help Kate record a better sounding demo and that’s it. If I had to make a comparison it would be like you were into woodcrafts with hand tools but your friend has an amateur wood shop in their garage and let you come over and help you with some of their power tools. That’s basically the extent of it.*
*What you apparently found out is that your now ex is likely a narcissist. Her entire self centred image of her world, the need to be the winner, the best, and everyone around her is just in service of reinforcing that delusion. Also the paranoia and delusional imagined competition…and that she’s a victim. I’ve had a few narcissists in my life before and they’re all like how you described your ex. They’re incredibly charming until you eventually see behind the curtain. She finally felt secure or safe enough to let you see the real her behind the act. I’m sorry it worked out the way it did but you most likely dodged a bullet"* | ThrowRA3837374 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/108xrem/new_update_oops_wife_held_a_talent_show_at_their/ | 108xrem | 13,696 | 8,659 | [
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"2023-01-11T18:10:17" | AITA for putting medical fees on my mom's credit card? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/ThrowawayCreditSitch](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowawayCreditSitch/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
Your daily fun fact: u/shoemilk requested zedonks. (Zedonks are like zonkeys, but they specifically have a dad donkey and a mom zebra.) Although they have been around since at least the 19th century, zonkeys/zedonks first became famous when one was accidentally sired in Colchester Zoo in the 1970s!
**Trigger Warnings:** >!Dental issues/surgery; child neglect, child abuse!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!horrible parents, good sis!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1018drd/aita_for_putting_medical_fees_on_my_moms_credit/)**: January 2, 2023**
I'll try to keep this snappy. CW for dental stuff. Throwaway cuz I know some family are on here.
I (F25) was given temporary guardianship of my baby sister (F15) for 6 weeks in the fall while my parents (M48 F46) had to be overseas for several reasons. Our parents left me with mom's car and keys as well as her credit card for any expenses I might run into.
On the first day that she stayed with me, my sister told me she had been having really bad tooth pain for a few weeks now. She was chewing only on one side of her mouth and sort of hesitant to eat. I told her I'd set her up a dentist's appointment, and I did make her one for later in the week, but the next day she had a fever and her face looked somewhat swollen on that side, plus she said her pain was much worse.
I called the dentist again and they were able to see her that day. It ended up being an infected abscess. We needed to pull the tooth, drain the abscess, and get her antibiotics. My parents' insurance covered a lot of it, I wasn't sure what to do about the rest and my parents weren't answering the phone all day due to time zone difference. I just put down mom's credit card for the amount that needed to be covered right then, as well as to pay for the antibiotic prescription when I picked it up.
I didn't think much of this at the time but when my parents found out, they were pissed. Dad said the credit card was for standard everyday expenses like food and gas, not emergency funds (they didn't specify this before nor provide separate money for emergencies) and that I overstepped my bounds by dropping a large sum of money on such a rash and expensive choice that mom was going to have to pay off.
I offered to pay it back (it's technically within my means) and he said forget it, it's too late now due to my impulsivity. Mom also made an offhand comment about how I didn't "triple check" to make sure my sister actually needed medical attention rather than trying to get out of school.
This was a while ago so I thought it was behind us. My parents told me we weren't gathering for the holidays this winter and I found out yesterday from my sister that a bunch of family had visited and my parents hosted, so I'm sure they're more upset than I thought.
My take is that I made the necessary decision for my sister's well being and I don't regret it, but I could have done more to make sure I handled it in a more appropriate way financially, and maybe waited to go through with anything until we could get in touch. However, I offered to reimburse and was turned down. As the acting legal guardian at that time, it seemed urgent. I was worried about my little sister and the treatment needed to be paid for. AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Many people point out how dangerous abscesses are, and are baffled as to why the parents are angry:*
"Our parents are alright but they tend to be weird about medical stuff. They don't usually believe us, or act like we're making it out to be worse than it really is. I can count on one hand the number of times I went to the dentist before moving out and I've helped my sister access treatment when our parents wouldn't on several occasions, but nothing like this before.
Assuming their stance hasn't changed, they said that I should have waited to take her in until I got in touch with them and talked out payment options. They were insistent that the problem was how I paid, they just also made multiple comments about being impulsive or not believing her right away. I get that maybe it fucked with their credit, but I thought we had established payment before they even left."
*Someone replies that that would NOT mess with their credit:*
"Oh. I've never had a credit card so I really don't know how these things work. I honestly thought I could have messed something up financially without realizing. Logically I know it's not right, but it's so hard to look at my mom and all my lived experience with her and label her as abusive. I know it's true. And my sister shouldn't have to go through it. I'm going to stop this."
*Another commenter points out the parents could be pissed because they ignored sis's complaints earlier:*
"Knowing my parents I think you're probably right, but knowing my sister I think there's a solid chance she didn't even bother telling them because she knew I was going to be her temporary guardian soon. I've had to help her get antibiotics for UTIs and stuff before. They're good parents in literally every other aspect but this is a real and serious issue I have with the way they raised us."
*OOP clarifies that sis never told them later in the comments:*
"Texting with my sister, she says she didn't bother telling our parents about her toothache because she knew they'd blow it off and I was about to be her guardian for a bit anyway. So the first they heard of it was when they called me when they woke up and I told them she had dental surgery done. Having grown up with the same parents, she was definitely right. I probably could have convinced them to take her if she had told me sooner but, well. She's a lot like I was at her age."
*Have parents excluded OOP in the past? Is it a pattern?*
"Eeehh not really? I mean they've never excluded me from events like this before. We've had a few minor issues historically where they wouldn't pay for things for me that my other siblings got (snacks in the house, gas/going out money as a teen, that sort of thing) but nothing huge at all. They're touchy about medical stuff, my mom has some childhood trauma associated with factitious disorders in people around her which doesn't make it okay but kinda makes sense of it."
*The more OOP reads and comments, the more she realizes how scary the situation could have been:*
"I know that infections are super serious but I didn't realize just how little time we likely had at that point. Jesus. Fuck that puts some things in perspective. I know I'm not even that much older but my little sister is my baby. Thinking about what could have happened is making me cry wtf. I already knew I did the right thing but I didn't really realize how messed up it is that they're splitting hairs about which card paid for it. What the fuck"
"The part of me that wants to protect my sister at all costs says you're absolutely correct. The (much smaller) part of me that was raised by them also says you're 100% correct but it's so hard to wrap my brain around this idea of my parents as, like, "bad people" because I do really love them. Most of my childhood was happy. I know you're right and my sister has my full care and support but also this fucking sucks."
***OOP is voted NTA.***
**Update: Same Post, January 3, 2023**
EDIT 1/3/23: Sort of an update I guess. The other night I talked to my sister a bit about what happened, and she said mom and dad didn't tell her they weren't inviting me to Christmas. When she asked where I was on Christmas morning, my dad told her I wasn't able to make it. She knew that was bullshit because I'd have told her for sure if something came up, and when she got a chance to talk away from all the visiting family, she let me know what was up.
After we called, she apparently got pretty worked up and decided to confront our parents about not inviting me, and pressed really hard on the subject of the credit card, and that they're still mad that I kept her from dying while I was her guardian.
Mom started crying, dad started yelling at mom that it's her fault her daughters are like this, sister told dad to "shut the fuck up and don't talk about me like i'm not here," dad backhanded sister. She told me and I obviously called cps, some other stuff happened I won't even get into, and now my sister is at my apartment. My dad has an order from law enforcement not to be on the same property as her for at least a week.
I'm not sure what's going to happen. I haven't heard from my mom except to let me know where she and dad are staying (separate from each other) in case anything happens. My sister told me the weeks I was her guardian were the easiest six weeks of her life, I told her I'm sorry I didn't step in sooner, we cried a lot, and I let her stay up late to play WoW with me and make mini cheesecakes.
I'll post an update if anything happens but I think she and I are gonna be okay. | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/109bgq4/aita_for_putting_medical_fees_on_my_moms_credit/ | 109bgq4 | 9,018 | 11,293 | [
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"2023-01-12T04:59:07" | AITA for not having "real" cups? | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/throwaway84929to](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway84929to/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. Some light reading for you today!
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers on mobile: u/SlowestBumblebee requested Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. They were named after King Charles II, who had several of them and took them everywhere. Apparently some historians say people used these dogs to try to attract fleas during the plague, (which were spreading the disease) and stop them from biting their owners.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!The whole thing is cute and a light read!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y4nyii/aita_for_not_having_real_cups/)**: October 15, 2022**
This is very tame and not really a "big" fight or anything but my family thought it would be entertaining, so here we go!
I (28f) just got my first apartment alone. I'd been living with others and traveling and moving around A LOT before this, so while I had some more specialty kitchen gadgets and the like, I never really needed to buy common kitchen items (i.e. plates, bowls, etc) because my roommates usually had them. I've since bought some nice second hand items and my kitchen looks at least some what normal.
The only thing not 'normal' are my cups. I have some smaller glasses that my grandma gave me many years ago but nothing like a real solid big Cup™️. However, throughout living with other roommates, one of them showed me that they just saved old jars (like spaghetti or pickle) and used them as cups and storage. I love this as my apartment is tiny and doesn't have a ton of space, so some versatility and reuse is great in my book! I peal the label off the best I can, wash them, and off they go. Easy!
So my family was constantly asking to see my new place and it wasn't totally ready but they're laidback so I didn't care if they saw my disaster lol. I ordered some pizza and broke out the plates and, of course, my cups.
My dad got a pickle jar whose label I had been having some trouble getting off and he loudly asked if I was serving him pickle juice. I laughed and told him the reasons why I have jars like that. My family thought it was funny but "a little ghetto" and that I should really get some proper cups. I told them that was silly; I live alone and don't have a lot of company often(no galas here!) and didn't mind the jars.
Since then there has been some good natured ribbing about my pickle jar glasses and threats to "buy me some REAL cups" for Christmas. My grandma did say that it was "wholey inappropriate" to serve guests some cola in a pickle jar, so I do have to ask; AITA for not getting 'real' cups?
***Relevant (and funny) comments:***
*Commenter: "NTA - a cup is a cup is a cup. It’s all a societal brainwash".*
OOP: "I'm kind of the same mindset lol. My Rao's cups can beat anything from Macy's 💪"
*Commenter: "NTA. My friend Adrien uses laboratory beakers (never used in a lab) for glasses at his place. It's especially funny when you're drinking something green."*
OOP: "Oh my God, I love this??? As scientist and as someone who loves fun things to drink out of??"
*Commenter: "NTA. I can be clumsy so far a while all my cups were plastic, I changed a few months ago after learning of micro-plastics. So far I only broke one. For the labels, try putting your cups in a pan of very hot water (the hottest you can get from the tap) and leave them in for half an hour (or longer if needed). Scrap with the scratchy side of a kitchen sponge."*
OOP: "Thanks for the suggestion! Those labels are so darn sticky....
I'm also an environmental scientist that specializes in emerging contaminants, so I feel you on the micro plastics. There's a lot of research being conducted that shifts the goal posts on what may or may not be a risk to our health and the environment, so I try and avoid plastics if I can. Plus hey! Free jar with spaghetti sauce!"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1043rxl/update_aita_for_not_having_real_cups/)**: January 5, 2023**
I know you've all been sooooooo curious about the outcome of my Siege Against Cups. Unfortunately, I was struck a fatal wound on Christmas day; my mother gifted me a lovely set of 8 glasses.
Jk They're actually a lovely gift and I'm appreciate them very much lol. But you were all correct that cups were THE hot item to apparently get me this year lol and I lost this battle
No matter what you celebrated, I hope you all enjoyed the New Year! Off to clean these bad boys.
**Behold, my cups (**[picture](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway84929to/comments/1047fil/behold_my_cups/) **link)**
***Editor's note- I wanted to post this one since we get so many depressing stories here. I appreciated that OOP took the time to write an update on her cups!*** | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/109qtrw/aita_for_not_having_real_cups/ | 109qtrw | 4,850 | 9,071 | [
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"2023-01-12T12:29:12" | I gave my son $800 in gifts and my daughter $4000 in cash, he took it badly. | ONGOING | I am not the original poster. That would be u/JollyOldSaintNicki
The thread starts here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/102ge2y/aita\_for\_giving\_my\_daughter\_a\_better\_present\_than/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/102ge2y/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_better_present_than/)
\-----------------------------------------------------------------
Posted Jan 3, 2023
Our son is 22 and our daughter is 26. She bought a house in July. We know that moving into a new home always comes with unexpected costs, right after you've probably depleted most of your funds. So, for Christmas we gave her $4000. Our son we gave a few different gifts totaling somewhere around $800.
Our daughter had to work Christmas, but we did Christmas on the 26th and she stayed with us for the holidays from then until yesterday. Our son still lives with us, and today he told us both that he didn't want to say anything while his sister was here, but his feelings were hurt by the disparity in the value of the gifts. We explained that the gifts we got him were tailored to his interests, but his sister has just passed a big life milestone where money is more important to her right now than sentiment. He said it's still hurtful because it feels like we are more proud of her than him.
My wife got really frustrated when he said that and asked why he would choose the least charitable interpretation of our actions. He said that's just how he felt and he couldn't control it. I said that we didn't give her money because we were more proud, but because we had experience being new homeowners and knowing that something always breaks in that first six months and it's always expensive. He said that was all fine and good, but it still hurt to get a worse present and feel like an afterthought.
My wife asked if he expected us to get him four thousand dollars worth of gifts. He said no, but he expected the gifts between him and his sister to be equal. My wife said that's the same thing, and my son said it isn't. He said we could have given her the monetary equivalent of what we gave him. I told him that it isn't really fair for him to decide how much we spend on someone else's gift. Furthermore, cash is less personal than gifts, so giving her a cash equivalent to what he got would be her getting the "worse" gift.
He said we weren't listening to him, just justifying. My wife said we didn't need to justify anything, and he was being entitled. At that point he said he didn't want to talk unless everyone was civil and he went to his room. He skipped lunch (breakfast for him) today, and when he left for work he didn't say goodbye even though I was right by the door.
My wife is irritated, and my son is clearly resenting us. I can't really decide if we're in the wrong here. On the one hand, we should be able to give our money to whoever we want. On the other, I never want to hurt my son's feelings. Were we wrong?
​
Verdict: Mixed results, but YTA won out in the end.
​
Relevant comment:
​
*INFO: did you ask him if it was about the money or about his feelings? Because it seems that he just wanted to share his feelings and you wanted to justify what you’re doing. Sometimes it can be enough to say “I get that you’re hurt, that isn’t our intention.”*
[JollyOldSaintNicki](https://www.reddit.com/user/JollyOldSaintNicki/)**OP**
Sorry, what's your question exactly? I transcribed the highlights of our conversation in the post. I didn't ask that exact question, no.
\-----------------------------
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/103uxx2/i\_gave\_my\_son\_800\_in\_gifts\_and\_my\_daughter\_4000/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/103uxx2/i_gave_my_son_800_in_gifts_and_my_daughter_4000/)
Update posted Jan 5, 2023
A couple of days ago I posted elsewhere about a conversation my wife and I had with our son. People reacted very strongly, and I wanted to let everyone know what happened next, but that isn't permitted where I originally posted. I still wanted to get it off my chest, so this seemed an appropriate place.
We sat down with our son again to talk. Things started out similar to yesterday, but then he asked if we wished he didn't live at home anymore. My wife and I assured him that nothing could be less true. He said it feels like we are waiting for him to move out. He said his sister moved out at 21, and he's 22 now, so he feels like we are waiting for him to leave.
I said we had no control over when his sister left and asked what we did specifically to make him feel that way. He said it just did. At this point my wife became frustrated and asked if he considered our feelings. Our son asked what she meant, and she pointed out that he never said thank you for his presents. He said that he said he liked them, and my wife said that wasn't the same as thanks and pointed out that she and I said thank you for ours, but he didn't say thank you for his.
At this point they were both frustrated, so I asked if we could all take a minute. My son thanked us for his presents, which was nice. My wife said that our son was asking if we valued his presence in our lives, but she wanted to know if he valued ours in his, or if he was just using us for free housing. Our son started crying, which felt awful to see. He said that he did value us, but that he felt like he could never catch up to us. I told him, don't try to catch up to us. We had a two decade headstart, and you'll exhaust yourself if you try to do that. Just go at your own pace.
Our son asked how we would feel if he's never successful like his sister is. I asked him, why do you think that your sister is successful and you aren't? She bought a house, but that's not everything in life. She did that for herself, because she wanted it, not to reach an arbitrary metric of success. All that matters is if you are happy in life.
Our son was quiet for a bit and then admitted that he wasn't happy. My wife asked what would make him happy, and he said he didn't know. I asked if there was anything specific making him unhappy. He said his job. He said he hates working swing shift and feels tired all the time. I said, okay, quit your job, or go to part time and work two six hour shifts a week if you are worried about a gap in your resume.
He asked if we would be disappointed if he quit, and my wife said we will never be disappointed in him for trying to find his happiness. I said, younger siblings look up to older ones and try to copy them sometimes, that was my brother and I when I was younger too, but you aren't your sister. This isn't a race, and you aren't on a time limit. You don't have to find your dream job or move out by a specific date. Just find what will make you happy.
He said he would talk to his supervisor today about switching to part time or taking a leave of absence. I hope it goes well, because I don't want him to continue to feel dragged down by work. I don't think the situation is resolved, because there are hurt feelings on both sides, but I do think we made progress. | KnoWanUKnow2 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/109yhvg/i_gave_my_son_800_in_gifts_and_my_daughter_4000/ | 109yhvg | 7,091 | 11,329 | [
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"2023-01-12T17:28:48" | I handed him divorce papers today over his reddit account and a bag of chips. | ONGOING | ***I AM NOT THE OP.*** *The original posts were made by*u/Pristine-Librarian31 *in* r/TrueOffMyChest *and on her personal sub.*
*I don't think this needs any trigger warnings/ mood spoilers, except maybe* >!"verbal and financial abuse"!< *- which is pretty much par for the course in reddit posts. If I missed something, please let me know and I'll edit it in. And remember again, folks,* ***NO BRIGADING!***
*Requested trigger warnings:* >!Grooming and verbal/ physical abuse; mention of murder and sexual assault!<
# [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/102odhk/i_handed_him_divorce_papers_today_over_his_reddit/) (Jan 03, 2023)
Obviously it goes without saying it wasnt just the bag of chips but hot cheetos were my breaking point. I couldn't take it anymore.
I had already had the terms of separation drawn up 6 months ago when during a heated argument he said "We don't have kids, you should be thankful its only me you cleanup after". I kept hearing it in my head. Thankful .. for cleaning up behind a grown man 10 years older than me?
He apologized the next day in detail and told me why what he said was wrong and that he doesn't believe it, but maybe its just out of my character but I don't think the things you say in those moments are just hurtful words. Little bit of truth in them.
And then I found his reddit account a few days ago. I accidentally saw the username when he showed me a screenshot. I tried (lmao not really) not to memorize it, and it took me two days to get the courage to look. Inbetween the comments on NSFW subreddits was complaints about me, and posts about me too. One post he'd be ripped to shreds and told he was a piece of crap. Reading those comments made me realize I was nothing but a fucking idiot to think love can fix things.
I was 20 when I met him and he was 35. I thought people were being dramatic or annoying about our age gap- because my single father who raised me didn't have an issue! But then I realized he was just the same type of fucking creep. It was almost like my father pre-groomed me to accept certain behavior to make it easier for the other men in my life.
Im getting off topic but. I came home early today after a rough day at work and finding out my direct reporting manager had been k-worded by her husband. Then walked in the door to see my lazy, filthy one. I told him what happened to her. I started to cry. He didnt console me. He said "We dont know what made him do that, lets wish both of them luck and move on with our day".
Wish.. her luck? The fucking dead lady?
I tried to convince myself he just didnt pay attention. That soothed me for about an hour. Until I was in the middle of making dinner and he complained that it was already 6:45pm. I told him he shouldn't be that hungry yet, he just ate half a bag of chips and left them on the table.
So instead of a) helping me finish dinner b) apologizing and waiting silently and patiently c) finishing the bag of chips or d) just laughing it off, he threw the bag of chips at me.
7 years together, 4 married. And he's never done anything that down right rude, because low self esteem aside thats something that wont fly with me either way. The chips landed all over the floor I had just mopped and swept. Whatever glare I gave him, it was enough to make him grab the broom in 30 seconds. It wasn't enough to make him at least check that it was all swept up and vacuum after.
So when I finished dinner and brought our plates to the dinner table, thinking "wow.. I really spoil him. The entire time we've dated, I've always made his plates and brought them right to him. No one has ever done that for me." and I stepped on a chip. It didn't hurt or anything, but I screamed. Not sure why. I just couldn't take it anymore.
So, I ran to the home office and came back out with the papers and pen. Put them in front of his dinner plate and walked out while he was yelling my name. I'm killing a burger and fries in my car right now and realizing I have to start all over. My life is done. My love for him is too. I hope I don't cave. I hope I don't let him convince me. I hope if I start to change my mind I come back and read this post so that I understand this is not a heated decision this is something I need to do if I ever want anything like a real fucking life.
​
***From the Comments:***
>Redditor: Not to mention if he knows he can treat you however he wants what's to stop him from doing exactly what you bosses husband did to her? ([Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/102odhk/comment/j2vekhb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3))
>
>OP: This is all I could really think about. If dinner is late one day, will he hurt me? He's never actually hit me but sometimes he makes that weird jump motion and balls up his fists during arguments. I just couldnt believe he had zero empathy for a woman who was hurt by someone she trusted and shared her life with. I saw her on Monday and never would've thought this could happen.
​
>*In reply to a heartfelt comment of a woman* [*who went through a similar experience*](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/102odhk/comment/j2wb6wm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)*:*
>
>I'm genuinely so happy to hear things got better for you. It feels almost like (hopefully) future me writing to current me. Especially regarding bodies. I didnt include it, but the reason the burger and fries was so rewarding is that he always persuaded me not to eat it because I'd get fat and he wouldn't love me anymore. So even if I asked for a burger, he would order a grilled chicken sandwich or something.
>
>Thank you sincerely for your words. Seeing these & other comments from women who went through the same is helping me so much right now.
​
>Redditor: So proud of you for this!!! Leave and never look back. Moments like this are Phoenix moments. Yes, this part is over but a new life and journey has begun. ([Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/102odhk/comment/j2uiq4k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3))
​
# [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Pristine-Librarian31/comments/103epng/update/) (Jan 04, 2023)
*(Note from OP: She posted more or less the same update* [*here*](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/103dyn2/update_i_handed_him_divorce_papers_today_over_his/)*, too, but the one on her personal sub was the extended version, so I used that.)*
Okay yeah I wasn't expecting this sort of reaction.. I didnt even log back on reddit and see all of the replies, I was scrolling on tiktok and saw my own post on my fyp which is really weird the algorithm is alogrithiming a bit scary. I really do appreciate the support and kind messages.. dont appreciate the weird men using this as a time to hit on me and send me selfies when I'm obviously in a weak moment. Guess I'm a loser magnet or something.
Crazy part is this courage started growing when I saw someone's "wife strike" on tiktok soon after downloading the app during lockdown. Then read the comments and found some sort of solidarity and finally realized I wasn't the problem.
I really was just posing it so I could leave for good this time. I'm sorry that my post isnt very concise or thorough, but this isn't the first time I've left him. It's the 4th but its the one for good. I'm done. I've been saving money since I left the first time 2 years ago. I'm not trapped with him anymore. When I left the 2nd time, I knew being a house wife would never give me leverage in our relationship so I got a job. Back then it was just to even the playing field and show him I can earn my keep. Now its literally my saving grace.
Half our relationship was built on lies (he told me he was 8 years older at first, then 10, then the truth of it being 15 came out) that I've always tried to get over. Because people "deserve forgiveness" according to my dad, the only person I ever went to besides reddit about advice. I just want know what peace is like in my own home. I went straight from living with my dad to living with my boyfriend/current husband.
I can comfortably take blame for how my marriage is. How my life is. My dad may have conditioned and started a lot of it, but I'm old enough to have put my foot down a long time ago. My husband and my father being the only two men I've ever had ANY type of relationship at 27 is my own fault. Sure, I was taught growing up that when men are around don't make eye contact and keep my head down. And I did it always because good girls listen is what I was taught and all I ever knew. How did the wave of feminism keep missing me? How did I allow my father to push away every close female relationship I had? How did I allow both of them to alienate me from the world?
Two years ago a woman my age (I think) asked for a tampon in the bathroom and I gave her one and we had a 5 minute conversation of "girl talk" that I gushed over. I played it over and over for months until I realized it was absolutely insane. All she did was ask me what my favorite coffee order was and said I was pretty and she loved my handmade earrings. I had an extra pair in my car and gave them to her and she hugged me. That was it. But I held on to those 5 minutes because it was the last time I had a interaction with a human being that didn't leave me feeling empty.
I should've left for good when he told me that getting a masters degree is for men. I should've left when I picked up wood working and simple robotics as hobbies and he told me that I might be transgender, and that he can't be attracted to a woman that wants to be a man. I'm not trans or transphobic, I just like the smell of freshly sawed wood and making new things. I should've left when I got accepted into the best university in the state and he told me that women would be happier if they stopped trying to compete with men. I should've left when my dad died and told me I wasn't "upset enough" about the man who would choke me over burning food and dinner not being good at 11 years old. Our relationship got considerably worse after the wedding when I told him everything my dad had done.
I should've left when I got groped at a concert and he bought the guy a drink later. I should've left when his friends said things about my body and he just joined in, and later told me I "shouldnt complain and enjoy the attention while it lasts". I should've left when I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, and he told me I wasn't a real woman if I didn't want them. I should've left when he admitted to having his fellow officers follow me and show up to my job to make sure I was actually where I said I was. I should've left when he gave me the silent treatment for a month when I told him it was controlling and would only communicate via sticky notes.
I should've left when I caught him sending nudes to a 19 year old. I definitely should've left him when the same girl replied to his nude photos with telling him how much of a loser he is and saying she felt bad for his wife. Besides being predatory, that one was quite frankly just embarrassing. I guess the reason I stayed so long is that he makes it seem like he's trying. After I caught him sexting, he immediately signed up for sex addict therapy.
When he said things that were hateful towards women, I would then see videos in his youtube watch history about unlearning sexism. Watched all the way through. I would think, hey, at least thats way more than my dad ever did. Hey, at least he doesn't hit me. Hey, at least he brings me flowers and takes me on dates often. Men are just like that, I was told. Men have to be respected, I was told. Your husband deserves full trust, I thought.
To this day, I'm not sure if he did these to please me temporarily or because he meant it and at least half tried. I made the mistake of not leaving at least a hundred times. I will never make that mistake again.
He texted and called nonstop after I left. I went back to our home, his house to get necessities with headphones on and he came out of nowhere and snatched them off my head and destroyed them. Airpod max's I just bought. I just kept packing and ignored everything he said until I realized my passport was gone. He wont admit it but he 100% has it. I know it. He wouldn't sign the papers. We argued a bit and I finally just said it. I don't love you anymore. I can't love someone like you. I'm a grown woman now, and I don't want to be with you anymore. He countered with you can't survive without me. I'm the only man who's ever loved you. You don't have anything without me. I'm the bread winner. This is my house. You have no money, no family, no friends. He's only right about the last two.
I told him that we dont have a prenup, and if we divorce with him fighting me on it I'll get half of everything. But if he signs the papers I gave him, it agrees to leave him the house and all furniture, 3 of 4 cars, and 80% of the money in our savings and investments. I can walk away and start over. I **want** to walk away and start over. He on the other hand, probably needs a retirement plan that isn't young women. Its more than he deserves but I don't want to look at anything I have and be reminded of him. When he realized the yelling and threats wouldn't work, he tried tears.
And I almost caved. Then I remembered he was fucking 42 years old on his knees crying about a 27 year old that just wanted to be treated with love, dignity, and respect. I gave him close to a decade of my life. Of nothing but loyalty and love. When he lashed out in anger, I responded with love. I'm all out of love.
I picked a random airbnb over state lines so he has little pull here and my job is allowing me to work remotely for now. I can already see a life thats actually worth living coming to me. I have a lot of legal stuff to figure out that will be a headache, but its still a smaller headache than loving him was. I don't think I'll go back. I only use this account for wood working and photos of cows so yeah. Sorry if I am not super responsive, it was a lot of replies, and I'm trying to go through them. Really thank you though to the kind words. I've cried and felt more supported today than I have my entire life.
​
*OP hasn't posted or commented any further - I hope she's safe and made sure her ex can't find her (I'm a bit paranoid for her, actually - an abusive armed law enforcement ex, whose wife is finally leaving him, sounds like the beginning of a true crime story). Hopefully, she'll give us updates occasionally, so we can follow her as she starts her new life. She deserves friends and fun and freedom, and I hope she finds all of it!* | Corfiz74 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10a59us/i_handed_him_divorce_papers_today_over_his_reddit/ | 10a59us | 14,732 | 16,339 | [
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"2023-01-13T04:26:02" | AITA for hating that my Ex is living with my parents? | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/thra\_belganona](https://www.reddit.com/user/thra_belganona/), posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole).
**Trigger Warnings:** >!Stalking, harassment, body shaming!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Sad but OOP has started on building a new life!<
​
[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zobed0/comment/j0lvjbg/)**: December 17, 2022**
At the start of this year, I (29F) was stalked and harassed by a woman who believed that I was having an affair with her husband. It was over a month of daily harassment over phone, on social media, and at times even in public. She even threw a stone through my window and vandalized my car in my driveway. She was caught on security camera and charges were brought against her.
I had to spend a lot on lawyers to threaten legal suits against both the husband and wife to get her to back off. She was having some sort of a mental breakdown and went into a psych hold. Her meds helped and she agreed to stop and accepted that I wasn’t the involved party. As part of our legal agreement she made social media posts apologizing and clearing my name and some financial recompense for damages caused.
During all this, my fiance (32M) was of no help at all. We lived together and he wouldn’t do anything to support me. When I got accosted in public places, he’d simply leave. When our condo was attacked, he got in his car and left to stay with a friend. He said it was too embarrassing for him to stay around. He didn’t seem to realize that I was scared and felt my life was in danger. He knew that I was innocent in this, and yet he didn’t stop his friends and family from believing the worst about me and making snide comments at me. I begged him to help me and he’d act frustrated as if there was nothing he could do here.
When the woman harassing me made the apology posts, I forwarded them everywhere explaining how I got caught up in someone else’s tragedy and I called my fiance a coward for his behavior. Which was also my way of publicly breaking up with him.
My parents were very supportive of me throughout this mess and they gave me money for the lawyer’s retainer. But they didn’t like my public FU to my ex. They said that it was petty of me and asked me to be nicer and not break up. I did eventually remove his name from my posts, but I was not interested in any relationship with him anymore.
After this all went away I was still pretty traumatized and paranoid. I quit my job and I couldn’t stand living with my ex. My best friend lived a few states away and she invited me to stay with her as a change of scenery. It was the break I needed. I also found a great job there while I was visiting and decided to settle there. I’ve been living in this town since then.
I have booked tickets to visit my family for christmas and last night my mother told me that my Ex is staying with them as a house guest. My mother said he wasn’t doing too well after I left and my parents let him move in with them. I don’t want to see my Ex and I am pretty hurt that my parents are taking care of this man who did not stand by me.
WIBTA if I tell my parents I am not visiting as long as he’s in their home?
​
**Update on** [**user profile**](https://www.reddit.com/user/thra_belganona/comments/zy9jln/update_aita_for_hating_that_my_ex_is_living_with/)**: December 29, 2022**
AITA deleted my previous post because of mention of violence. But there was no violence in there. I had mentioned harassment and vandalism but no violence happened. I had logged in to update and can’t do it on AITA so will write down here for people who’ve been messaging me.
I didn’t go home for Christmas. I called my parents and told them I wasn’t coming and that set off a lot of recrimination and arguing. My Mom getting upset at me for my coldness and my Dad reprimanding me for “breaking Mom’s heart.”
Mom is trying to get me back together with Ex. Dad goes along with whatever Mom wants to do. I asked them why they’d want me to be with someone who didn’t protect me and Mom said if the stalker was a man he’d have protected me, but it was just a woman, a lady from a good home, so there wasn’t any real danger. This was news to me because when it was happening both were worried about my safety but now they are downplaying it. This is the exact argument Ex had used and they are buying into his story.
Then Mom goes into how this was embarrassing for Ex and says I wronged him by putting him in this situation. This brought up a long history of Mom’s disappointment in me. I was never what she wanted me to be. I know she loves me and had thought our differences were the typical mother daughter conflict that everyone has. But my Mom has fears that run deeper than that.
She is a slim, svelte and pretty woman who is very particular about manners and appearances. I got my build from my Dad’s side of the family and I am very curvy with large breasts. My weight and my figure has been a cause for concern for my Mom who’d pressure me to cover up and downplay it. She wanted me to go into teaching or medicine, but I didn’t do well enough in school for that. I ended up forming a career in sales and I am very good at it.
I was making good money at a large corporation and while I dress modestly, I was no longer wearing baggy clothes, but professional suits with a good fit. The fact that I look like I do and that I do “Sales” was scandalous to my mother.
The guy whose affair brought problems in my life is a manager in the same company I used to work for. We worked on the same floor in different departments. I think he let me take the fall because knowing who he was having the affair with would have put his job in jeopardy and would’ve been a lot more scandalous. My mother thinks the wife putting the blame on me was inevitable because I have “the look.” She thinks her fears about my appearance and career had come true in this incident.
She is horrified that instead of learning from my “mistakes” I now have a job that is “client relationship manager” even though it is at a financial firm. She feels pressured to force me to come home and get married and leave my career behind.
I am so sad about how all this has turned out. My relationship ended and now I am losing my parents. Meanwhile, that cheating man and his psycho wife are still married and he still has the same job.
​
**Comments:**
\*\*"\*\*His parents retired and are living in a warmer state. My parents had really liked him and his parents are also family friends that they want to be on good terms with. So I get it to an extent. But having him living in their house is too much."
"I do feel betrayed. But people around me say that my anger is unreasonable. I had started therapy before I had moved and my therapist also said that my anger at my Ex was misplaced. I have a new therapist now and they are focused on my PTSD."
"When this started my first worry was my fiance. I gave him access to everything to show him that I had no contact with this guy. He always said he believed me but then he'd do nothing. Everytime it was what do you expect me to do. I'd tell him what he ought to do and he'd just ignore that.
When it was just the two of us he did all the right stuff, comforted me while I cried, took me to doctor appointments since I had developed insomnia, made me my favorite meals. But outside of that he wanted to hide and not deal." | rotfang-conspiracy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10al2b5/aita_for_hating_that_my_ex_is_living_with_my/ | 10al2b5 | 7,565 | 7,932 | [
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"2023-01-13T05:03:54" | I am trapped on a balcony because my boyfriend’s 85 year old stepfather is watching porn on an 85 inches TV in the living room. | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/criseydeleigh](https://www.reddit.com/user/criseydeleigh/). She posted in both r/TrueOffMyChest and r/offmychest. I fixed a few spelling errors for clarity. Thanks to u/runescapeowl for the link.
Your daily fun fact to avoid spoilers on mobile: u/Ranculos and u/CeelaChathArrna requested the platypus. Male platypuses are venomous, with a hollow spur on each hind leg connected to a venom secreting gland. (No one on record has died from being stung by a platypus) They also have two layers of fur for insulation and waterproofing.
**Trigger Warnings:** >!possible fetishization!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Honestly it reads a bit creepy with what he was watching!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zxhw36/i_am_trapped_on_a_balcony_because_my_boyfriends/)**: December 28, 2022** (also posted in r/offmychest)
Title: **I am trapped on a balcony because my boyfriend’s 85 year old stepfather is watching porn on an 85 inches TV in the living room.**
My boyfriend and his mum are out shopping - and his stepfather thinks that I am with them. I am cowering on the lounge chair so he won’t see me. I am so embarrassed.
*Update in comments:*
"Update: I called my boyfriend. His mother then called the old man and said: “Please stop. She is on the balcony”, and just hung up. Apparently she walked in on him doing the same thing yesterday on that gigantic ass tv. My lord, now the man knows that I know, which was the last thing I wanted to happen….after the phone call, I stayed at the balcony for 45 minutes more so I didn’t have to look him into the eyes.
FYI, I am a young East Asian female, and the fact that he was watching East Asian porn makes me feel even more embarrassed."
"Oh one thing I forgot to mention: according to him he was fixing the TV."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zye19p/update_i_am_trapped_on_a_balcony_because_my/)**: December 29, 2022**
Just thought I should give you guys an update about his defense (though nothing significant). My boyfriend’s mother had a talk with the old man; and he claimed that he was simply fixing something on the TV. Yeah, “fixing” -I saw him spending a few mins straight to browse the options.
Secondly, he questioned “why the hell would someone stay on the balcony when it was cold outside?”. I had a blanket with me and it simply wasn’t terribly cold (at least according to my standard). I am in the Southern US atm.
The family had dinner together after the incident. I was avoiding eye contact with him the whole time. Unlike his usual grumpy and quiet self, he tried to crack jokes and stuff. I am pretty sure he was trying to get my attention in order to alleviate the awkwardness. I have 6 more days left. God bless me.
***I marked this as concluded as the event itself is concluded, and I sincerely hope that nothing further comes from this.*** | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10alt8p/i_am_trapped_on_a_balcony_because_my_boyfriends/ | 10alt8p | 2,906 | 8,784 | [
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"2023-01-13T05:04:40" | AITA For No Longer Allowing My Sister To Use my Spare Vehicle? | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [nomad65555](https://www.reddit.com/user/nomad65555). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I fixed a few punctuation errors and made paragraphs for readability.
Your daily fun fact (or you can skip to the post in bold) to prevent spoilers on mobile: u/Sunnygurrl and u/itsluxsky requested cheetahs. Cheetahs are the fastest land animal in the world, and can reach 112km/h in just three seconds! (That's about 70 mph.) This takes a ton of energy, so they usually only chase things for a minute or about 200-300 meters.
**Trigger Warning:** >!Drunk driving!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Proper punishment is delivered, short post!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1045gis/aita_for_no_longer_allowing_my_sister_to_use_my/)**: January 5, 2023**
So I (m19) moved off to college at the end of this past summer, and my little sister, Emma, (f17) got her license shortly before I left.
I have 2 vehicles. A 1994 ford f150 that I restored and took with me to college, and a 1998 dodge ram which I bought as a total piece of junk, and rebuilt, painted, lifted etc. For my sisters 17th birthday I gave her the keys to my dodge, as the car my parents bought her barely ran half the time and constant nickel and dimed her money away. She still has this car she just doesn't drive it often. Keep in mind both these trucks are bought and paid for by me, titles are in my name only, and they're on my insurance policy.
The agreement for Emma using my dodge was that she takes care of it, and pays me the insurance premium on the truck, (95 a month) the taking care of it part is what became the issue here. When I left I had just painted the truck, and redone the interior. The truck had no dents, no rust, etc it was as pristine as the truck was in 1998 when it was built.
I came home for the holidays and found my truck completely trashed. The brand new seats were ripped, carpet was stained, trash everywhere in the cab, the passenger side headlight was busted, the fender dented, paint ruined on that fender, the brand new tires were bald in the rear (leading me to believe she was doing burnouts in it) this is over 1000 dollars in damage in the 4 months I have been out of state. I immediately took my keys back. Not only did she trash it, but she had not told me about the damage which i later discovered came from her driving drunk and hitting a mailbox.
My parents of course called me a dick for taking away her form of transportation but I feel I set pretty easy to follow boundaries, that she did not respect. I can handle an accident, but driving drunk, messing up the truck, and failing to tell me about it? I don't think I can forgive that along with let her continuing to use the truck.
I have decided the truck is coming with me out of state. I flew in so I cancelled my flight back and am going to drive so I can 1 fix my truck, and 2 keep it with me as my university allows students as many vehicles as they need or want.
So reddit, AITA?
Clarification: My parents do not know she was drunk when she wrecked the truck. I’m trying to figure out whether I want to tell them or not because she's going to be in some serious shit if I do. I found out since my best friends brother is dating her.
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update Post: (Same post, same day, hours later)**
Update: I spent all day driving my truck with my best friend, tucker, to body shops and junkyards around the area to find the parts my sister destroyed. I found a fender for 165 dollars, the leather to do my seats for 400 dollars, and ordered another set of headlights identical to the ones I had in it for 197 dollars. Along with that the quote to repaint the new fender is 600 dollars. I was able to get the stains out of the carpet with a carpet cleaner I rented for 30 dollars. Grand total 1,362 dollars.
Along with that I told my parents about the driving drunk, to which Emma immediately ratted her boyfriend out as the one who drove it drunk and wrecked. She had apparently lied to them saying she told me about the damage and I didn't care. She is grounded, her car ***(editor- clarification that this is the car that parents gave her that doesn't always run)*** is being sold in order to pay me back and my parents are going to pay the difference and make her pay them back.
They also told me to add the shop rate I used to charge when i worked on vehicles, so 140 an hour. So far in the fender replacement I have 2 hours, last time i did the interior it was 10 hours, and the headlights are also 2 hours. Grand total of 14 hours, which is 1,960 dollars, added on to the parts cost. My sister owes me 3,322 dollars, and Tucker informed his parents about his brother wrecking my truck, at which point his car, license, and all electronics were taken away. My sister is also grounded.
***I marked this as concluded as the issues of payment and punishment (by parents) have been resolved. Really hoping sis and her boyfriend learn from this.*** | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10altr3/aita_for_no_longer_allowing_my_sister_to_use_my/ | 10altr3 | 4,983 | 10,254 | [
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"2023-01-13T07:41:51" | I slapped my girlfriend out of reflex when she woke me up with oral (TOMC Jan 4, '23) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/maleficentrisk6279 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 1 ,'23, updated Jan 4, '23.
TW Ahead: DID YOU KNOW, *One* female cat can give birth to over 150 kittens in her lifetime? This number does *not* account for her grandkittens, great-grandkittens, and so forth. Spaying *one* cat can save literally hundreds of lives. Let me know if you need help finding low-cost spay and neuter clinics and/or TNR in your area. Please spay & neuter.
.
Trigger Warning: >!Rape, PTSD, child molestation!<
.
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/100io33/i_m21_slapped_my_girlfriend_f20_out_of_reflex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I (m21) slapped my girlfriend (f20) out of reflex when i woke up to her doing certain things to me.
Using a throwaway for this. I guess i have to put a TW for sexual assault here.
I feel horrible for what i did. How do i even start this?
Let me just start by saying that i would never slap her intentionally. Let alone hurt her in any way. My girlfriend has a very high sex drive unlike me and therefore she is the one to initiate sex most of the time. It took me a few years to fully trust her but she was such a loving and caring person who understood my trauma and was always able to control herself even with her high sex drive.
When i was a child i was sexually molested by my own egg donor. I remember how she covered my mouth with her hand while holding me down and i tried to scream and defend myself. But i was just a little boy and she was a grown woman. I wouldn't call her mother because thats not what mothers do. This traumatized me and it destroyed every relationship i tried to built with a woman. It was hard for me to trust one until my girlfriend appeared. And she always respected my consent so far.
Yesterday evening she wanted to have sex and i told her i wasn't in the mood right now and then i turned around. I woke up in the middle of the night to my blanket gone and her doing oral sex. My heart started beating really fast. All the anxiety i felt as a child came back and before i realized i slapped her so hard she fell of my side of the bed. I immediately realized what i just did. The only thing i thought about was that i slapped her. She held her cheek while looking at me with a shocked face before starting to cry.
I wanted to comfort her and apologize but she ran out of the room into the bathroom where she cried her eyes out and then she went to sleep on the couch. I apologized repeatedly but she refuses to talk to me. I feel so bad. I know i am a horrible person and there is no excuse for this. But what can i do so that she speaks to me again? Is there anything i can do so she forgives me?
[Update 3 days later](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1030l8m/update_i_m21_slapped_my_girlfriend_f20_out_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
UPDATE: I (m21) slapped my girlfriend (f20) out of reflex when i woke up to her doing certain things to me.
When i made the original post i definitely didn't thought it would blow up like this. And i certainly didn't expect the comments to be so one sided. And i didn't expect them to be on my side. I expected nothing but people telling me how horrible i was and i felt that this would be the only comment i deserved.
But after reading literally thousands of comments i slowly began to realize what actually happened there. You have to understand that this moment shocked me to the core and this shock still was there when i uploaded the original post. I saw myself as the absolutely disgusting women-beater because of it.
I never wanted to hurt anyone but i realized now that it was a trauma response. When i woke up to her going down on me it felt like my whole body was controlled by someone else. Like i was controlled by strings that forced me to react like that.
And the more comments i read the more i was sure about that. One day after the post, after thousands of comments from reddit but also from Tiktok and many DM's i talked to her about it and i broke up with her. Because all of this made me realize that my perspective of "loving and caring" was pretty f\*cked up. I realized that she showed me the bare minimum of compassion someone should have in a relationship and i noticed many toxic patterns i haven't realized before. But going into them now would not only be irrelevant to the actual topic but it also would take way to long for this update post. Btw. she refused to apologize to me and demanded an apology from me.
Besides my now ex girlfriend i only had one friend. I don't have an actual mother or a father. I don't have grandparents or siblings. Just this one friend. So i really lack of healthy bonds in my life. Breaking up with her was a hard thing to do but it was necessary. She currently stays with her mum who also called me yesterday to ask why i broke up with her. And i saw no reason to lie and just told her everything. She was quiet on the phone for a while and then just told me her daughters ex boyfriend broke up with her for a similar reason. She said it wasn't the same situation but a similiar one and then she apologized.
She didn't go into details, but if I'm interpreting it correctly, my ex seems to have a thing for traumatized men. But again there is no evidence to support that claim. Thats just how i would interpret this conversation with her mum.
So what am i going to do now? Well i'm going to therapy and probably won't enter a new relationship any time soon. I focus on myself and i have to heal. No i won't press charges because that would mean that i would have to deal with it in a negative way and put energy into it that i just don't have. I hope you can understand that. Her mom is probably going to punish her anyway.
And losing the respect of a person you love dearly, I can imagine thats worse than what she would get as a punishment from the court.
As for you, I would like to thank you all for your comments. The comments you left on the original post, the private messages but also all the comments you left on the tiktok posts that shared my story. if you left a comment on one of the tiktoks, chances are i've read it. Thank you all so much!
**Reminder that I am not the original poster**
*Flairing this concluded as OP is trying to move on and doesn't want to file a police report* | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10aomx6/i_slapped_my_girlfriend_out_of_reflex_when_she/ | 10aomx6 | 6,498 | 9,269 | [
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"2023-01-14T02:21:34" | My boyfriend is going to cry and I don't feel bad about it, in fact, I'm excited (TOMC Jan 3, '23) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/whole_elk_697 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 8, '22, updated Jan 3, '23.
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zghdk6/my_boyfriend_is_going_to_cry_and_i_dont_feel_bad/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
My boyfriend is going to cry and I don't feel bad about it, in fact, I'm excited.
First off, on a random note, good luck to everyone who is in finals right now! I'm procrastinating studying for my final by writing this. I am just so excited that I need to tell SOMEONE about this.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over three years now. I don't even think there are words to describe how I feel about him. My life changed in an unimaginable way when he entered it. There is no one on the planet that could ever make me feel the love I feel when I look at him. I never thought I would find someone who treats me this way or that I even deserved a partner like him. He never fails to remind me that he thinks about, loves, and adores me. The other day he made a passing comment that any experience he has ever had is always so much better if my presence is there.
So, my boyfriend is a HUGE fan of legos. Like, massive. He always buys smaller sets from target and builds them in his free time to relax. Anytime we go to the mall, he always wants to walk around the lego store just to marvel at the big sets. He can afford them, but he's the type not to spend money on himself. Every time we go in, I always catch him staring at the Star Wars Cantina set. He always talks about how one day, maybe he'll muster up the courage to put the four hundred dollars down and fulfill his dream.
But he won't have to do that. I just ordered it off the legos website. Because I spent more than 150, I get a small Santa set. So what my plan is, I'm just going to gift him the Santa set, and when we are alone, I'm going to surprise him with the Cantina. He has done so much for me this year, and I can't imagine not giving this to him. So yeah, he's going to cry, but I'm excited about it. Thanks for listening.
[Update 1 month later ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/102ovrz/update_my_boyfriend_is_going_to_cry_and_i_dont/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Hi all! Sorry for not updating sooner. I know at least one of you was interested in one, but I wanted to enjoy the time with my boyfriend. One small thing to mention before getting into the update is that I ended up going back to the Lego store and buying the Boba Fett throne room set to match the cantina because I knew he wanted it, and well...why not (lol). If some are interested I may even post updates as he builds it. He already completed the Boba Fett throne room and has started the Cantina set.
So onto the update! We did our normal gift-giving with my family, and I ended up putting the throne room under the tree, which he lost his shit when he opened it because he's been talking about that set for a while. After everyone settled down after gift-giving and started to eat and watch Christmas movies, I asked him if he could help me do something upstairs quickly.
When we got upstairs, I told him I had forgotten to put something under the tree. When I pulled the box out from under my bed he looked confused but started to unwrap it slowly. When he had pulled the paper back and saw the words "Mos Eisely Cantina", he stopped moving for a few seconds because I don't think his brain was even fully registering what was in front of him at the time. His eyes started watering slightly, and he kept saying things like "no way" before he started grinning and tearing all the paper away.
He started hugging me and kept asking why I would spend so much money on him, and I told him it was because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. He went through a mixture of jumping in excitement, hugging me, and crying for a few minutes. He kept talking about his plans to clear out the shelf behind him and put it on display in his work background.
He then ended up surprising me by saying he had also not put something under the tree because he wanted to have it be an intimate moment between the two of us. He went into the closet and was laughing about how he had put it on the top shelf because he knew I wouldn't be able to reach it or see it (I'm very short lol). When he came out, he was holding a tiny box, and when I opened it there was a beautiful diamond necklace inside, which obviously made me cry like a baby. After he put it on me and we shared a nice moment together kissing and hugging.
I told him that I purposely saved the points I got from buying the sets so he could get 50 dollars off his next lego set. He told me he wanted to get me a set so he could spend the duration of building his set while I also built a set next to him (he has always really cherished building a set with me or building one at the same time as me). So over the weekend, we went to the lego store, and despite me saying I was happy with a smaller set that I would build slowly so I wouldn't finish before him (because I felt bad since he bought me a literal diamond necklace) he insisted on getting me a big one and bought me the Bowser because he knows it's one of my favorite characters.
We had a great Christmas and have been having lots of fun having designated building time together (lol). Thank you for all the sweet comments. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday as well :) | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10bcuey/my_boyfriend_is_going_to_cry_and_i_dont_feel_bad/ | 10bcuey | 5,565 | 28,567 | [
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"2023-01-14T18:19:22" | OOP - I snooped on my brother and found something horrifying | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Throwaway-yam **in** r/relationship_advice
​
trigger warnings: >!rape, incest fantasies!<
[**ORIGINAL**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cf6oib/i_snooped_on_my_brother_and_found_something/) \- 19th July 2019
I just found something pretty disturbing, and I’m not sure what really to do next.
My brother is usually a super private person and doesn’t hand out his phone to anyone. We’re currently on a family vacation overseas and he is the only one with a working data plan, so we've been using is phone quite a bit. His open web tab was on a popular fiction website, and I saw his logged in username before he swapped tabs to a new one.
I frequent the site too, and when back in the airbnb, went to check his profile to see if he too ran in the same fandoms as me. I must admit that this situation is entirely my fault as I snooped. I know I shouldn't have, but I was so curious. To my surprise, he had a few published works, but when I opened one, I almost puked - his latest story was of a brother violently raping his sister in graphic detail, who had the same first name and general description as me, in a setting I recognised as my parent's house. He insulted my eldest sibling and also my parents in horrible ways too. I won't go into further detail but suffice to say it was the single most horrifying thing I've ever read. Ever.
Now I'm in the bathroom of this airbnb typing this and I'm not sure how I'm going to go out and face my family. Should I just ignore this? Is this normal and am I overreacting? I mean, everyone has their kinks and my brother has never, ever acted inappropriately towards me or anyone in my family in real life. Please tell me this is so.
Urgh. Moral of the story, don't snoop, never ends well.
Edit: I am 19F and my brother is 23M.
Update: Thank you to those who replied, I still have no idea what I'm going to do. I really do get that it is fiction, and I completely understand that part of the appeal is to push characters to extremes because it would never happen in real life. It would not have disturbed me at all if the people involved were literally any other fictional character, emphasis on the fictional. All I expected when I searched his profile was to find a list of his favorite fics and thought we could discuss any shared fandoms, and I know I shouldn't have gone looking. Didn't expect him to be an author, much less this. Sorry for the long para, it's late at night and I can't bring myself to sleep in the same room as my brothers, might just crash on the couch where I am at now. Also I'm planning to beg off tomorrow's planned tour, will catch up on sleep then.
Next morning update: The fam is out for the day, managed to stay back at the Airbnb & the wifi. There has been a split of opinions down below and there are many who think that the writings are just writings, and private. I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt this time. I don't think I have the stomach to upset everything if so. I'll be back out of the house for college soon, so there will be distance. Thanks for listening to my earlier confused post!
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cg0d5l/update_i_19f_snooped_on_my_brother_23m_and_found/) \- 21st July 2019
We just returned home from our vacation, and the last two days were hell on my imagination. I know I said in the last post that I wasn't going to do anything about it, but I found that I couldn't just sit there and pretend everything was alright.
So I spoke to my brother.
We were alone, though our mother was in the house. It filled with lots of crying. He basically confessed to having those fantasies, but said that he would never hurt me in real life. I only read one of the stories, and apparently many of his other works also included me. I told him that he already did and he promised to stop publishing new ones and to get rid of/change the old ones.
He asked that I not tell anyone about it (would ruin his life, he said) and in exchange agreed that he was going to get therapy when we both return to our colleges in the fall. Sounded fair, so I agreed, and we ended the convo with a hug at his request.
In a sense, it felt like a really weird break up. Not sure how to better describe it. We most definitely will not be able to have what we used to have in the past, and I hope any awkwardness at future family events can be overcome by time/distance and a butt load of therapy. I'm glad it was sorted out, although that convo was definitely one of the most awkward ones I ever had.
Hopefully this is the only update I need, and thanks for listening :)
​
[**UPDATE - 2**](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/cznb6h/update_i_19f_snooped_on_my_brother_23m_and_found) \- 04th September 2019 thanks to u/thebluewitch for recovering the update
I wish I had nothing to update, but I thought I should share this here as a closure to this throwaway in case any one was in a similar situation.
I think my brother did something to me. He left for a road trip to college 3 weeks ago before I did, and the night before he left my parents had a cookout with our neighbours. There were drinks and I was allowed a glass of sangria. Next thing I know it was the next afternoon, and my brother had already left. I was told they tried to wake me up to get me to say bye but I was too fast asleep, and that I absolutely should watch myself if I was going to drink in college because my alcohol tolerance sucked.
I woke up feeling really off, but I don't actually know what. I have a vague memory of opening my eyes to see a hand on my left wrist and someone grinding on top of me. The feeling of being pinned down comes to me in flashes, but nothing concrete. The only real "evidence" that something actually was wrong the next day, was that my pyjamas top was buttoned all the way to the top, as I usually leave it two buttons off.
I've since moved in to college and I'm hoping it was really just a nightmare. I did keep my distance and should not have been so careless but at the same time I don't even know what happened. Just wanted wanted to leave this here in case this is useful for someone else.
​
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10bvad4/oop_i_snooped_on_my_brother_and_found_something/ | 10bvad4 | 6,309 | 9,699 | [
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"2023-01-14T23:06:51" | AITA for not backing up for my family after my wife giggled at their news | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Newdadalert_ **in** r/AmItheAsshole
trigger warnings: >!briefly mentions infidelity!<
mood spoilers: >!Good for OOP!<
​
[**AITA for not backing up for my family after my wife giggled at their news**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xzx1xl/aita_for_not_backing_up_for_my_family_after_my/) \- October 9, 2022
I 27m have a beautiful wife Amara 26f
Anyway onto the situation that happened a week ago
When i was 17 I had a girlfriend who cheated on me for my brother, we were together since kindergarten, even though our relationship was fake in elementary school and middle school we decided to make it official in high school, but after a year of making it official my brother tells me that she and him we’re seeing each other behind my back
I was extremely hurt especially since my parents knew but they thought the relationship was still a playful one even though I told them the news first
After that I decided to just focus on school and move out of my parents house, especially since they didn’t have the decency to at least be romantically involved in private, she still tried to apologize and ask if we could be friends but I just ignored her
After I graduated I moved to Texas at age 19 and only contacted my family on holidays, after two years of being there I met Amara at a bakery her mother owned and we became friends first due to us both having trust issues but we made it official a year after meeting
The relationship was great, I loved her family and they loved me the wedding was absolutely wonderful even though my parents and brother didn’t come even though I sent an invitation and called them the day before and I realized that if my wife were ever in an argument with someone even if she was wrong I’d always have her back
Now a week ago my mother called me to ask if we could talk, she was on speaker since Amara and I were cooking, she knows about what my family has done and how they backed up my brother so I didn’t mind putting the phone on speaker since the only conversations I have with my family is about my brother
Well my mom goes on to tell me how my brother and ex are getting married and he wants me to be his best man, it was silent for a bit and Amara burst out with giggles and I joined in after her
My mom hung up and I didn’t bother calling her back and enjoyed my night with my wife
The next morning I was bombarded with angry text from my brother and dad on how I hurt my mothers feeling and made her cry by not telling my wife to not laugh
I don’t think I did anything wrong I technically didn’t do anything but I can somewhat say that it was childish but it was a spur of the moment
So AITA for not backing up my mom
[**Same post, one week later**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xzx1xl/aita_for_not_backing_up_for_my_family_after_my/) \- Estimating October 16, 2022
Update: Hi everyone, im here to let everyone know what happened the week after the initial situation
After the week of the incident and many, many rude texts from my brother and father i decided to contact my brother and told him how it was unfair to not come to my wedding but then ask me to come to his
Well some of you were spot on, my brother didn’t want to come to my wedding so my mother made up a lie instead of telling the truth
And he never asked for me to be his best man nor was I even invited
I called my mother and asked her what the hell was going on and she told me that she just wanted her sons to get along again
Even if I were to accept the now fake offer the situation would have gone way worse since I wasn’t invited
I’ve decided for the sake of my wife and I’s future I will be limiting contact with my side of the family
I’ve also mentioned in the comments that my wife is pregnant so i have that to look forward to instead of a shit show
Amara and I also appreciate the kind words from some of you
[**Same post, the next day**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xzx1xl/aita_for_not_backing_up_for_my_family_after_my/) \- Estimating October 17, 2022
Update 2: I think i posted the first update last night or yesterday I don’t remember but hello again the situation has now spread from just my wife and I to my wife’s side of the family
A friend of my ex found the post and I guess the news spread like wildfire and i was now getting texts from my immediate family and my ex and brothers friends
I’ve ignored it at first until some really hurtful things was said about my wife regarding her family and pregnancy which caused my wife to have a panic attack since she couldn’t calm down
I don’t know if I could say what they said since it was very harsh and racist, I’ve now gone from limited texts to ignoring my whole family
I’ve decided to turn my phone off all together, but I do appreciate everyone of you but I’m going to take this time to spend it with my wife and her family, we are now focusing on the pregnancy and getting things ready for 9 months of fun and weird cravings
[**Same post, 21 days after original incident**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xzx1xl/aita_for_not_backing_up_for_my_family_after_my/) \- October 31, 2022
Update: HELLO! exactly 21 days ago I’ve made a decision that has been the best decision of my life
I’m just giving a small update
1)my family is no longer in my life
2)my wife read the post and comments and she loves all of you but was upset that I said she giggled, she wanted me to clear it up and let you all know it was a full cackle
3)our little baby is growing and healthy (hoping for a girl)
But that’s all once again THANK YOU ALL! WE LOVE YOU!
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | czechtheboxes | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10c3ka4/aita_for_not_backing_up_for_my_family_after_my/ | 10c3ka4 | 5,729 | 18,898 | [
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"2023-01-15T15:20:24" | My husband of 5 years asked me for a threesome with my best friend and she agreed (TOMC Jan 2, '23) | ONGOING | Originally posted by u/emergency_worth_4447 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 1, '23, updated Jan 2nd.
[Original and update](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1022xza/my_husband_of_5_years_asked_me_for_a_threesome/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
my husband of 5 years asked me for a threesome with my best friend and she agreed
My husband of 5 years asked for a threesome with my best friend and she agreed. I originally posted this in truth off my chest but it deleted it and my update so I'm posting everything here including my most recent update but I'm certain more is going to happen as this situation is incredibly fresh.
I (26F) met my husband (35M) 7 years ago and we have been married for 5 of those years. I love my husband and all that he has done for me but I fear that my marriage and my relationship with my best friend is now over. not to mention i just found i'm pregnant and this only started happening after i told my husband (he was very much on board with having a child with me and we have been trying for around 6 months).
For context, my best friend (28F) (let’s call her Mia) knew my husband before me and they were incredibly close before I even knew him. When I first met my husband I suspected there was something going on between them but they always denied it. however they admitted while they were drunk that they were indeed sleeping together before i got with my husband. even though it’s not important now it still plays on my mind, you know? especially considering what just happened.
anyways. Two weeks ago my husband suggested a threesome for the first time and I was already not on board with it. I quickly said no and hoped he’d never bring it up again. Two days after that he suggested it again, and I once again declined. He asked again that night after we had sex and once again, I said no.
After that, he stopped asking and I thought that was the end of it. However, three days ago he asked me out to lunch and I was pretty excited considering he never takes me on dates anymore. When we got to the restaurant my best friend was sitting there and was confused because he never mentioned that she’d be there. The vibe was weird from the start tbh but I tried to think nothing of it. halfway through the lunch my husband asked me again “I want to consider the idea of a threesome again and I thought it would be a good idea if Mia was involved.” I didn't know what to say. I asked if Mia knew about this and she said yes and that she’d known about his plans for over a month. I was devastated. I said no, paid for my meal and left with my car.
I feel so betrayed and hurt right now I have no words. This man is meant to be the father of my child but I can't look at him. i’ve been staying with my mum and he’s been phoning me and calling me dramatically and that he’ll just drop it. Mia has been spamming me too, saying the same thing. I don't know what to do.
edit one:
I've seen lots of people tell me to abort my child. I'm so incredibly torn on this as my mother would be so upset if I aborted her grandchild. She was so happy to see my sister give birth and I want to provide her that happiness again. On the other hand, I don't want to look at my child with the knowledge that it is his. not to mention that he could possibly want some sort of visitation rights to my child. I've also seen people saying that Mia may be pregnant with his child too and the threesome would be an excuse as to how she got pregnant. I feel it could be a stretch but I'm probably going to arrange a talk with both of them later today (it’s 8am as I type this). I'll let everyone know what happens.
*In the comments:*
Mia was my closest friend for ages. I have a few old friends from highschool but after I met him our relationship moved pretty fast and we moved in together not long after dating so I was busy with taking care of our home. My father isn’t here anymore and my grandma is in a nursing home. My sister recently gave birth so the only person I really can stay with is my mother.
I genuinely don’t know if I could let him hold our child or even look at him the same way. Thinking about it now, I truly think he and Mia have been seeing each other for a good portion of our marriage. i really don’t know if he can come back from this
I'm so afraid of getting an abortion. it’s not like i don’t want my baby, i just wish this didn’t happen. I also am not even sure if I'm allowed to get an abortion. I know some places have time limits and stuff right?
I've seen a few people comment about our age difference and now that our relationship is on the line I'm seeing how dependent I am on him and it’s scaring me tbh. Even though I've had some great memories with him, I really wish he and I had just never met.
*About having the baby to please her mother:*
>What is this nonsense? This is about you, not your mother, or your sister, or even your husband, this is ABOUT YOU. You will have to carry this child to term, look after it, watch it grow up, share custody with this asshole, have to co-parent with it. Your mother won't. Stop doing something so profoundly central to your life for someone else. Have it, don't have it, but for fuck's sake don't have it because it will please other people.
OP: I think you might be right. I genuinely don’t know if I could raise this child knowing it’s his.
Update the next day:
They both agreed to arrange a talk with me this morning and I'm not even that shocked but I still can't stop crying. When I arrived they were sitting so close to each other it genuinely made me feel so sick. they didn’t seem upset at all, they were just talking like normal and even smiling which is so gross to me seeing as they both know how upset i am right now. Anyways, when I sat down I flat out asked them if they had been seeing each other behind my back and everything I've been suspecting these past three days was confirmed. They had been sleeping with each other. I am so heartbroken right now. I don't think I can carry this child. These past few days have felt so unreal and I'm a wreck. I know that it’s early to decide this but I do think abortion is the correct decision for me.
i also asked him why he decided to tell me now and not earlier or when i wasn’t carrying his child and he literally just shrugged and shook his head and then said “i don’t know.” as if that was a good enough answer. Mia was mostly quiet the whole time but I don't think she feels the slightest bit of guilt.
to everyone saying divorce, that is most likely what will happen. I'm terrified as I've known him for most of my adult life and he is the only man I've ever been with. He is in control of our bills, our rent and overall finances. I literally have no idea what I'm doing.
edit three: time is literally a blur right now. I'm receiving messages from pro-lifers and it’s getting to me even though I know I can't have this child. My mother in law has also started spamming me too. I blocked my husband's number and I did the same with mia. his mother won’t stop messaging me. i blocked her number but she then went out of her way to message me on instagram and facebook. She keeps saying I should've just done the threesome to “make her boy happy.” it’s fucking weird. sorry if my replies to comments aren’t frequent, i’m dealing with so much depression and anxiety right now and i’m also struggling with the fact that aborting this child is the best thing for it. Thank you for all the support.
*In the comments:*
After the talk I had with both of them, I'm deciding that abortion is the best option for me. I feel awful for our child.
I didn't mention the abortion. I felt it wasn’t the right time to mention the divorce as I'm sure he already knows that it’s most likely what’s going to happen and I didn't want to mention the legal side of things in front of mia.
**Reminder that I am not the original poster, this is a repost** | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10cmbr1/my_husband_of_5_years_asked_me_for_a_threesome/ | 10cmbr1 | 8,026 | 18,592 | [
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"2023-01-15T19:58:10" | TIFU by not telling my husband about a lottery I won years ago | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by deleted user in** r/tifu
[**ORIGINAL POST + UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/t407dj/tifu_by_not_telling_my_husband_about_a_lottery_i/) \- 01st March 2022
Throwaway account because some of my friends/family know my real one
The lottery winning took place back in August 2014. Mike and I were married in October 2014. It wasn't a fortune, but enough to make a difference. After taxes it came out to right around $480,000. Most people would be over the moon, but I panicked. I didn't want our life to turn upside down because we had extra money now.
I was still legally single at the time, and so I was able to accept it anonymously without the need to tell anyone else. So I didn't. Tell anyone else. Not a single soul. Not my husband, my parents, siblings, best friends, etc. Only the state and federal governments.
(My husband has a tendency to spend on things we don't need and that aren't going to benefit us in the long run so I didn't want our money to blown quickly on stupid stuff like cars and clothes.)
I opened a new bank account with a national credit union and put the check in. Got started with a financial advisor (Keith), who guided me into investing in local businesses and real estate. And that's that. It's been sitting there since, just growing.
Flash forward to today. I'm doing dishes getting ready to start making dinner, and my phone rings. I can't get to it but figure I'll call them back. Then I get a text. No big deal. I'll get to it in a minute....but husband came into the kitchen and glanced at my phone to let me know who text me and called me (which he always does if my hands are full).
It's Keith. He called and text me to let me know my account just hit $1 million after one of the energy companies I invested in soared recently.
My husband is stunned. Has no clue what to even say, staring at me until he says "we have a million dollars??" I was so flushed but finally just sat him down and explained the situation. He's clearly mad at me for never telling him. Asks if my family knows, and I tell him that no one knows except the IRS and Keith.
It took him a few hours to finally be able to really talk to me.. at the end of the silence he told me he's proud of me for investing into our future but he needs a few days to clear his head because he feels like I hid a huge part of "myself" from him.
We might just need to take a vacation now.
*TL;DR I won a lottery in 2014 and never told my husband until he learned that I grew the money to a million today.*
​
**Edit:** I already have people messaging me asking if they can have money. Jesus. This is why I didn't tell anyone!!
​
**Update - 1:** My husband and I just spoke on the phone for about an hour. He told me he's staying with his best friend/coworker tonight but that he's not angry. He agreed he would have spent the money on dumb things if he'd won it and is happy that I put it away. Little less happy that I didn't tell him about it for so long, but he said he doesn't care and doesn't want this getting in the way of our marriage.
​
**Update - 2:** Hello! Jesus I didn't know this would blow up so much. I've been at work and talking to my husband Mike all day, basically laying down some ground rules for the money moving forward. He will not tell anyone (didn't tell his friend!) and we will only dip in for emergencies and pre-discussed things. A few people asked in the comments how much we make a year, I guess to see where we'd be without this money. I currently make around 60k and Mike makes more at around 85k. So to all the ones saying I "starved him" or "made him scrounge" that is not true lol. We make a good amount.
I have no clue how to post all of the screenshots of the clowns in my inbox, but I'll try to put something in the comments!!
Comment - How could you hide it for so long? What do you do when you get a 1099 every year?
>Hey! So I handle our taxes every year and have since before we got married. I made a business account through my credit union and handle all of that money separate from everything else. My accountant could probably tell you more, she has handled the winnings since 2016. But my husband has never looked at our taxes after getting married
​
Comment - Get a new Keith, why didn't he send an email or leave a message to call back?
>Yeah, I initially was pretty upset that Keith would text me something so sensitive. He usually calls and leaves me a voicemail or text to call him back or sends an email if it's not super important. I think he was just excited. I've worked with him for 8 years now and he cares about me a lot on a professional level. So I can't be too angry with him.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10ct7l4/tifu_by_not_telling_my_husband_about_a_lottery_i/ | 10ct7l4 | 4,784 | 9,177 | [
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"2023-01-16T05:00:25" | AITA: Coworkers “cultural” food smells up office, she blasts me on socials for being racist | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Ok\_Television1108](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ok_Television1108/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole. Their first post was removed. (I did check with the AITA mods to make sure it was ok that I post it here.)
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers: u/allis_in_chains and u/Watchful-Sleeper requested opossums. Opossums are the only marsupial found north of Mexico. Their tail acts as a fifth appendage and they are able to carry some things with it! They cannot, however, sleep hanging by their tails.
**Trigger Warning:** >!False accusations!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!The whole thing is weird.!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/107gz6u/aita_coworkers_cultural_food_smells_up_office_she/)**: (recovered with unddit) January 9, 2023**
So I have a Korean co-worker who was adopted when she was a baby by the whitest people I have ever met. I’m Hispanic and adopted also by the whitest people ever. So we, I guess, co-worker bonded over it at first. She talks about her heritage though as if she was raised Korean and pretends she doesn’t have white parents? Which I don’t understand but to each their own.
So, this coworker is constantly bringing Korean food into the office that smells so intense or bad the entire office smells for the rest of the day. I have a sensitive stomach with smells and cannot handle it constantly. We also work in an extremely small office space, so this isn’t space where I can ask to move desks or I’m bothered by some faint smell in the distance.
Now I wouldn’t have an issue if it was once in a while even once a week but it’s making me physically ill at my desk every day for months now. I really can not emphasize enough that it’s not the smell of intense seasonings or ingredients that is turning my stomach but it actually smells like expired bad food.
Yesterday was the worst, I couldn’t take it anymore, I politely apologized and asked her if she could maybe consider eating in the break room because my stomach couldn’t handle the smells. I would ask the same if our buddy Sam was bringing tuna sandwiches in.
I think I said I’m so sorry 10+ times in the process of asking because I know she is sensitive about it.
She got quiet and threw out her food.
Again I apologized 100 times but now the food was in the trash can next to my desk and it was deadly the whole day.
I actually had to ask if I could go home an hour early and she made an off remark that I didn’t have to pretend to be sick she wouldn’t bring her “culture” to work again.
I assumed things would be tense but I woke up this morning to a bunch of posts on her social media dragging me by name as a racist. She went as far as calling me a white supremacist in one and said that I told her she wasn’t allowed to eat anything non-American in the office as it offended me.
That’s NOT what happened, at all. My boss even said we have to have a meeting this afternoon regarding issues with coworkers, which this is obviously it, and now I’m terrified I’m going to be fired for being a racist.
I tried to apologize to her and tell her there may have been a misunderstanding but she cried about how insulting her “cultural food” was the deepest racist attack she has ever experienced and she doesn’t feel safe working with me anymore.
My other coworker (previously mentioned Sam) said that my comparison to him bringing Tuna wasn’t the same because it has nothing to do with his heritage. He said that maybe my nausea is really some repressed racism. I don’t even know how to process all this.
I genuinely feel like I’m losing my mind. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, let alone this badly.
Reddit…. Am I the asshole?
***Relevant comments:***
"Honestly the way they were talking about me being racist I was googling if subconsciously I could get physically ill from it. Ever just meet people who make you question your sanity because of how serious and genuinely angry they are????
And we don’t have an actually HR department just the manager who clearly already knows. Meetings around 3 so we’ll see how it goes but at this point she’s so upset in arms about me being a racist I don’t know if manager would want to even deal with the backlash.
As far as pretending her parents are Korean it’s not that she acts as if they are but she talks constantly about her birth parents as if they are her parents and talks about Korea as if she was raised there. I mean that’s all she ever talks about really “my mom and dad were Buddhists so I keep their stuff with me” and her desk is covered in spiritual stuff “from them” but it’s all stuff she bought. Her actual mom and dad who have come to the office before are so sweet and nice and she acts friendly to them but calls them by first name basis. Mind you this is a 26 year old who never met her birth parents, was adopted around 1 years old, and has never been back to Korea since. Basically she talks as if her parents are Korean immigrants and she was raised by them with their culture while the sweet couple who raised and spoiled her she pretends don’t exist."
"I never said she couldn’t eat it or bring it, just asked her very politely to follow the rule everyone else does. Why am I the asshole for wanting my desk space to not wreak. It’s a shared space by everyone and there is a designated space for food because of this exact reason so please God, I don’t understand what I did wrong."
*About the smell:*
"Yesterdays meal looked like fettuccini Alfredo made with rice noodles but genuinely smelled like spoiled milk."
"I’m weirdly not bothered by fish in general by any means, I actually fish and will clean my own fish. I mentioned Tuna since it was the first “smelly” non cultural related dish I could think of. Her food doesn’t smell fishy by any means it smells more like expired milk and most are creamy dishes so I think she’s genuinely using expired ingredients??? I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s genuinely not like strong smelling food but actually bad bad."
"I would say the same to any food that smelled genuinely rotten. As I said in the main post it’s not that the smell is intense it is actually genuinely bad like spoiled milk. My best friends growing up we’re Vietnamese and though their food smells can be intense and different it was never like this. I don’t care what culture the food is from, I have nothing again Korean food, I actually love Korean BBQ and have a mom and pop I frequent which again smells really intense but not BAD. I cannot emphasize enough that it has nothing to do with cultural food but that however she is cooking these dishes -"
*Did anyone else hear/what do the others think?*
"Everyone was in the office and heard it, my 3 unmentioned coworkers who share the small space all agreed with me and thanked me end of day yesterday BUT they’re also terrified of my Korean coworker as she is quick to be offended and everyone kinda walks eggshells so I don’t know how willing they would be to stand up for me. There are security cameras so manager could even check but I was starting to genuinely be afraid that it was racist to ask her not to eat at her desk since the food is Korean. This isn’t something I’ve ever dealt with before and by all means I really was as polite and genuine as I possibly could be with her."
"I never said they can’t bring it at all, she’s the only person who eats at her desk. I had limited text but my other 3 coworkers who walk on eggshells around her thanked me after work. The only person who didn’t agree with me also called me racist because they are her best friend outside of work not just at work.I genuinely have no issue with her bringing food but when everyone else eats in the break room or out of the office why should we all have to struggle with the smell at our desks? More over its not that her food is cultural or intense, I genuinely think she is using expired ingredients. It doesn’t smell a lot - it smells BAD - like \* SPOILED \* And FYI there is a sign in the breakroom that says to keep all meals in the “kitchen”
*Why does her heritage matter/why did OOP include that information?*
"I included these details due to what she’s saying on social media. Her saying that I insulted her Korean immigrant parents because they taught her to cook - when she has never met her Korean parents is relevant because she’s blatantly lying. She went as far as saying I told her to go back to her country calling her and her family slurs. My issue was her home cooking smelling like death - not intense but awful. I didn’t even know it was Korean until she started calling me racist. But as far as how she talks about her family I was answering someone’s question who was curious and who her family is matters when again - she’s straight up lying all over social media about it involving me being racist. Which again, I haven’t done. I don’t think she’s aware there are security cameras in our office and there’s legitimate proof I haven’t done any of the things she’s saying."
*My personal favorite comment:*
"I need to really emphasize I fucking love Fettuchini Alfredo and whatever disaster she home cooked was NOT how it’s supposed to smell. My other 3 coworkers also are ready to vomit at all her home cooked meals. I don’t know what this crazy lady is putting in her food but something is very very wrong and I am not the only one smelling it. 4/6 office employees are ready to vomit and the only one other than her who isn’t has self proclaimed they have “no sense of smell.” I can swear to you it is a miracle this woman is surviving let alone thriving off of whatever the fuck she is cooking.
That abomination of “food” she called Fettucini Alfredo is not anything I would deem edible."
***There is a wide mix of responses, and since the post was deleted I don't know the final judgement.***
**Update** [Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/107gz6u/comment/j3npqn4/)**: Later that day**
UPDATE:
The meeting was gold.
And I have to start with my favorite part:
The food wasn’t Korean. It was indeed, as suspected, Fettuchini Alfredo. That’s right, ya’ll are mad at me for finding Korean food smelling bad and it wasn’t even Korean. This unhinged woman’s lies know no limits.
———
So to start she came in the morning and went straight to managers office. Told him all these racist things I said about her food and such and was crying in hysterics. Like absolute hysterics. My manager came out after, asked for the meeting, then went back over the past few hours and watched every interaction we had together over the last day and a half.
We have security cameras in the office due to working with some sensitive information, what we say and to who on the phone can legally matter a lot so we all *should* know we’re being watched but maybe coworker thought that was a lie???? Forgot???? Who knows.
Low and behold though, I didn’t say or do anything racist, and was only asking her to follow rules insanely politely.
More over when he watched me leave the office yesterday, he watched me say goodbye to everyone and apparently RIGHT after I left Sam started asking the coworker about the food saying she told him she was making Fettuccini Alfredo and that it didn’t look Korean AND THE IDIOT CONFIRMED! Apparently she thought I was ASSUMING it was Korean because of how she looks and that I was being racist. She assumed, because she looks Korean, that me asking her to eat in the break-room was an insult to Korean food and decided to just lie around that assumption.
The most unhinged shit I have ever heard in my entire life.
I don’t know who to be more mad at, my 3 coworkers who didn’t tell me the shit was cheesy noodles, the culprit for lying this god damn badly, or Sam for knowing and gas lighting me so badly I thought I was going crazy.
My boss, THANK GOD, was extremely chill about it with me and we ended up shooting the shit for a short bit about some nerd stuff and he told me she’s being put on 2 week leave while he and the owner figure out how to fire her without her trying to sue and to try and relax a bit. He also already had screenshots of her socials and the company will be threatening legal action if she doesn’t take it down. However he did advise me, as many of you guys did, to consider a lawyer or restraining order because this entire thing is so unhinged.
So basically - I’m not fucking crazy, as much as I’ve felt like it all god damn day.
Fucking Fettuccini Alfredo.
***Relevant Comments:***
"Dude, on god it shouldn’t smell like that. I fucking love Fettuchini Alfredo. This woman should not be allowed within a 100ft radius of a kitchen. I don’t know how you can mess up something that bad but when I say it smelled rancid it was BAD bad."
"No like her cooking was ALL that bad no matter what she brought. One day she made chicken noodle soup and it was so notably pungent like a wet cloth shoe that was worn all day. She even offered people to taste it and one of our other coworkers was so desperately curious as to why it smelled like that and risked it for the biscuit. They ended up vomiting later that day and said it was the worst thing they ever tasted. I don’t know what’s wrong with her taste buds or sense of smell but holy god I didn’t even know anyone could be so oblivious." | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10d5m0d/aita_coworkers_cultural_food_smells_up_office_she/ | 10d5m0d | 13,304 | 15,342 | [
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"2023-01-16T17:09:38" | We're Picking ALL the Grapes | CONCLUDED | **I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted on** r/pettyrevenge **by** u/musicatnip
*OP Note: Hello again everyone! instead of an actually interesting fun fact, I'm using the mobile spoiler section to say that I've had this one on my radar for months, but I've been too busy to post it, so I hope you guys enjoy! Also, I wanted to make so many grape/berry puns in here, but I* ***FIG****ured they were* ***low hanging fruit****.*
**TW:** >!Entitlement. Grape Heist!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Short but sweet. A bit underwhelming. !<
Original Post: [we're picking ALL the grapes](https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/ypygr5/were_picking_all_the_grapes/) by u/musicatnip on Nov. 8, 2022
My parents rent a house on a ¼ acre of land. The land with rows of grapes is not being rented to my parents, but the landlord lets us pick them and juice them every year. The only access to the grapes is through the land my parents rent. Before my parents moved in, this old lady "Maureen" used to pick the grapes with her family and juice them. As a side note, Maureen has her own grapes, but she likes to use our landlord's grapes too because previous tenants did not.
Every FUCKING year, it's a battle to make Maureen wait to pick grapes so we can pick a share. The landlord has been clear that we get first dibs on the grapes because we're his actual tenants. We always leave her at least a row (one of four). Every year, she tries to be a sneaky lil bitch and get the grapes. But this year was the worst.
My mom told Maureen that she was going to pick the grapes this weekend. Well, this weekend came and went without being able to pick grapes; my mom's helper crew got sick, my dad was recovering from major surgery, and she couldn't find the time or energy. Maureen's crotchety old ass calls to inform my mom that she is coming tomorrow to pick all the grapes we didn't. My mom asked her to please wait a few more days as her husband (my dad) has cancer and her helpers were sick.
Maureen's response: "That's too bad. You had your chance. My family is coming tomorrow and we are picking the grapes."
Of course my poor mom loses it at this point and begins screaming, "SHAME ON YOU MAUREEN! YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN!" Maureen continues telling her she had her chance.
So my mom came in and told me this story. I said: "Absolutely FUCKING not." We are staying up as late as needed to pick every single grape off the vines. Every single one.
We both called as many friends as we could. The troops are being gathered. We now have about 10 people to help us pick the grapes. We will pick every single grape so that when stupid Maureen and her stupid family show up, there will not be one little fruit left on the vine.
ALL NIGHTER FOR THE GRAPES
edit: grammar
**Update: Same post, later that day**
omg wow okay well I love how many of you would help pick grapes!! It makes me feel bad about the fact that the update isn’t super satisfying. Maureen called my mom last night (an hour or so into picking?) to apologize and said we could have all the grapes. My mom, being a much better person than I am, told her she can still have a row or two because we didn’t NEED all the grapes. But Maureen kept saying no and that she won’t come by at all. Ironically it almost sounded like she was throwing a fit about it?? Like bitch we’re being nice and still letting you come?? So we did pick grapes but not everything. We still hate Maureen.
Apparently she’s 92 and she believes she will live forever because of her homemade grape juice, so that’s one reason she’s so crazy about this whole thing. Maybe she will live forever, but that would be unfortunate because she’s an asshole.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | ChulainnRS | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10dk97x/were_picking_all_the_grapes/ | 10dk97x | 3,781 | 10,369 | [
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"2023-01-17T12:02:03" | My (32F) boyfriend (34M) murdered several house plants in the span of one afternoon, and is mad that I am sad about it + a 2y Update. | CONCLUDED |
I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/Artsy_Foxy in r/relationship_advice.
Trigger Warning - >!poisoning of pet, harassment, stalking and pet kidnapping and abandonment!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fv4q9y/my_32f_boyfriend_34m_murdered_several_house/) (5 April 2020)
**My (32F) boyfriend (34M) murdered several house plants in the span of one afternoon, and is mad that I am sad about it.**
So I have a green thumb and have spent a lot of time, energy, and money on plants. One particular plant reproduces by creating little offshoots that grow off of it until they become mature and grow their own root systems. I have had this plant for many many years and have been so happy to see it finally making little babies. This afternoon my boyfriend ripped more than half of the babies off of the plant and threw them in the dumpster outside! I just discovered this less than 20 minutes ago. The plant is mutilated since he ripped these things off, leaving large areas stripped of leaves and some vines have no chance of recovery and will have to be cut off at the base. I looked through the trash for the baby plants to see if I could maybe save some of them, but they are gone. I just confronted him about this and he sounded very annoyed and said, "I didn't know you have to wait so long for it to make more of those." I am devastated that he killed all those baby plants, and badly injured the adult plant. I feel so sad about it, but he doesn't seem to care and is just playing games. I'm furious that he mutilated a plant without asking or telling me, especially since he has no knowledge about plants at all. He claims he thought he was "helping" it. What should I do?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/107p993/update_my_32f_boyfriend_34m_murdered_several/) (10 Jan 23)
**UPDATE: My (32F) boyfriend (34M) murdered several house plants in the span of one afternoon, and is mad that I am sad about it. UPDATE IS NOW HE KILLED MY CAT!**
TLDR at the end.
So a few years ago I posted about how my bf(M34 at that time) had utterly mangled several baby plants, and one adult plant, with no remorse whatsoever. I wanted to update you all on what happened afterward.
Well, several of you told me to run. Reddit, you were right. About a year after that we broke up when it was clear he had been lying to me about some huge important relationship issues that will not be central to this post. (Marriage, money, our shared business, other women, etc.) After we had the final blowup fight and I left things got much worse, and his true colors came through again. I should have listened to your warnings. This time the victim was one of my cats.
I had two cats. A Calico, and her baby, a fluffy tuxedo cat. This tuxedo cat was my absolute darling, and I adored him more than anything else that breathed. Unfortunately, my now ex knew this. When I decided to leave him I packed up one suitcase and booked it to a friend's house. So he decided to poison my cat. He called me saying the cat was ill, so I drove to the veterinary hospital immediately. When I received the lab results the vet outright said, "It looks like he's been poisoned." His kidney levels were literally off the charts, as in the machine could not longer accurately even read how high they were. The vet described it as, "His kidneys are basically solid." I had a previous cat who had a genetic condition that predisposed him to kidney disease, and at 14 he died from it. When he passed his kidney levels were nowhere remotely near as bad as this previously 100% healthy 6 year old cat! Hours later I had to decide to put him down. I called the veterinary hospital and gave them the address where I wanted the ashes shipped. Before they were shipped exBF went and picked them up. He denied me having the ashes, saying I owed him the entirety of the cat's final veterinary bill before he would let me have the ashes. I never received them. When I tried to pick up my other cat, the Calico, he said he would only give her to me if I paid him $1,500. Feeling I had no legal way to reacquire my cat, I cut my losses to get away from him, and moved across the state.
I wish that was the half of it, and it was certainly the most horrible thing he did. He made every attempt he could to ruin all my social connections, and went out of his way to extort and harass me, including showing up to the place I had been sheltered and demanding to come inside, and texting those inside to come out. (Thus me having to move so far away.) I lost my relationship, my home city, several friendships, and both of my cats in the span of 3 weeks. He harassed me, my now BF, and several of my friends via text for well over a year! (He is now blocked by nearly all of us.)
I post this as a warning for everyone who posts here with similar stories. Yes, Reddit is quick to jump to suggesting breakups, but when people tell you "Yikes, OMG, huge red flag, etc", maybe they are right. Don't ignore the red flags like I did. I wish I had left, with my cats, and run home to the other side of my state the same day he destroyed and killed my plants. I let myself think it was a one off thing. Obviously, it wasn't. I am still emotionally and financially recovering, and I can never bring back my cat, or recover my other cat.
The good news is I'm now doing way better. I have a new supportive and loving boyfriend, and he got me a new cat! He loves me, and we just bought a house together! Life is actually pretty peachy, but it only started to get better when I completely cut the last guy out of my life. I'm honestly doing pretty well for myself, and can't wait for what this new year brings! Thanks for trying to help me Reddit. As long as I waited, I'm still glad that your voices were in the back of my mind helping to enforce the decision when I finally did leave. You guys and gals are awesome! Happy 2023!
TLDR: He killed my cat, stole my other cat and used her to try and extort money from me, and didn't even let me have my dead cat's ashes. (I'm not with him anymore, and luckily have moved away and moved on.)
**EDIT:** Some people have asked why I "left" my other cat with him. I didn't. He stole her. I attempted to reacquire her several times. As the vet bills for her were in his name, it is very hard to prove legally that she is my cat. I adopted her, cared for her, fed her every day, etc, but that doesn't hold up in court the way names on a vet bill will (from my limited understanding of property and pet law. I am not a lawyer, and could be wrong, and am open to that.) He refused to give her to me, at first asking for money, and then simply refusing. A friend even offered to help me break in and get her. However, I am in a state where it is legal to shoot if you enter a persons property unannounced, and further, I'm not interested in breaking and entering charges, nor charges of pet theft. Believe me, I want her AND fear for her, every day. I tried as best I could, but all my further options are illegal. Suggestions for legal acquisition are welcome, but please no more emails of disgust that I left her with him. Believe me, I already hurt over it.
**EDIT 2:** Also, the question, "Why didn't I call the cops?" is coming up. 100% because I was scared. Previous times I have called the cops have not been great interactions. Doesn't seem to matter to them what was happening before they showed up if the dude says "everything is fine" when they arrive. I just fled. Surely the statute of limitations for something like this has not passed. I'm not a legal expert, and don't know anything about animal abuse laws. I have been focusing on getting to safety, and going to therapy. Of course I think what he did was illegal, but not everybody can just "call the cops" in every situation. This was scary, so I fled. I could get a lawyer to advise me in the future, and of course I want justice for my cat.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10ealaq/my_32f_boyfriend_34m_murdered_several_house/ | 10ealaq | 7,993 | 7,547 | [
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"2023-01-17T19:00:25" | I [59M] cut two of my kids [24F][28M] out of my will for his irresponsible spending of their previous inheritance. How should I fix this situation? | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/BritishGranddadGuy **in** r/relationship_advice
[**ORIGINAL POST**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/baec65/i_59m_cut_two_of_my_kids_24f28m_out_of_my_will/) \- 07th April 2019
My (now deceased) ex-wife and I have 5 kids together: 21F, 24F, 28M, 30M, 35M.
A few years ago their mother passed away and left each of them a very large inheritance. Over 300K GBP each, evenly distributed among them.
Prior to her passing she made it clear to them that this money was not to be wasted. It was to: 1. Used to pay off debt, 2. Used to further education, 3. Put towards buying a house in future.
Two of my kids, 24F and 28M, have completely squandered this money in just a couple of years. My daughter spent it all travelling across the world care-free staying in nice hotels and eating fancy dinners. I completely understand going on a vacation, but to blow all of it on travel against her mother's wishes? Bloody shameful.
My son is even worse. He has literally spent it all on drugs, alcohol, and escorts over this time. None of it, none, going towards self-improvement as their mother wanted.
So I continued to hound them over this time and time again until, as expected, it's all bloody wasted. Once this happened, I decided to cut them both out of my will, as I don't want my hard-earned money being squandered so my children can live a hedonistic lifestyle for a couple of years.
I told this to their siblings in confidence, so that they would be prepared to deal with the fall-out when I eventually pass. One of them (not sure who) let it slip to them, and now they've gone off the deep-end and proclaimed I'm "dead to them" and they "don't have a dad" etc.
I don't want to go into a long bitter fued with my kids, but damned if I'm going to have my life savings wasted by them also.
Any advice on how to fix this?
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/bc9lvj/updatei_59m_cut_two_of_my_kids_24f28m_out_of_my/) \- 12th April 2019
So I took the advice of the previous thread, which was overwhelmingly to consider setting up a trust for my two problem children.
Before I even invited the two of them over to talk the issue over, my son called me to apologise for how he was acting. He seemed genuinely ashamed of the things he said and admitted that it was wrong of him to waste his mother's savings like that.
Anyway, I invited the two of them over to tell them my plans. As I say, my son seemed very apologetic, while my daughter was clearly still upset with me.
I told them that I would reinstate their inheritance, but since they've demonstrated extremely poor money management that I will only do so through a trust. That I'd talk with a proper lawyer/financial expert on setting them up, and they'd be designed to provide for them and any future children they have over many years after I'm gone. That them blowing through it in a few years is simply not an option.
Son took the news very well and said he wouldn't trust himself with that money anyway. I'm not sure what caused such a sudden change of heart in my son, but as I say it seemed genuine. He also offered to go to therapy for his sex/drug addiction if I helped pay, to which I agreed (I'll make sure this therapist actually exists, don't worry).
My daughter did not take it well, Christ. Far worse than I expected. Here I am willing to give them a second chance, and she just blows up about how it's not fair that it's only them that don't get the money outright. I explained that their siblings had demonstrated they were responsible with money and hence why I would leave it to them outright. Nope, not good enough for her. She doubled down that spending all of her mother's 300K+ GBP on travel was justified. Had the gall to again call me several extremely upsetting names and accuse me of being emotionally abusive.
So I told my daughter that as I'm retiring soon, perhaps I should experience the joys of travel also. Perhaps I should spend "her" inheritance that I've worked for my entire life on travel myself. She stormed out and hasn't contacted me since.
Really proud of how my son's taken the news. Extremely disappointed in my daughter.
Genuinely considering spending "her" part of the inheritance on travel myself at this point.
​
**Edit 1:** Guys, I understand how petulant my daughter is behaving, but please refrain from using profanities. She's still my daughter and I'd rather not read that stuff. You can criticise her behaviour without cussing :)
**Edit 2:** At the encouragement of some kind people here, I've booked flights to Hong Kong a few weeks from now. Will be using up all my accumulated leave to take a trip across China. I've always wanted to visit the country and I am looking forward to this!
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10ek9ve/i_59m_cut_two_of_my_kids_24f28m_out_of_my_will/ | 10ek9ve | 4,859 | 18,596 | [
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"2023-01-18T15:09:31" | My husband's browser history shattered my heart (TOMC Jan 11, '22) | ONGOING | Originally posted by u/justthrowitallaway82 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 22, '22, updated Jan 11, '23
[Original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zskaab/my_husbands_browser_history_shattered_my_heart/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
My husband's browser history shattered my heart
I will try to make this as short as possible. It's a lot to un pack. But there is some back story that's important. We've been married for 9 years and have 2 little kids. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs throughout the years but nothing terrible or that we couldn't pull through (mostly pure exhaustion from hard pregnancies, disconnection and lack of sex because of said difficult pregnancies and a super difficult infant who didn't sleep for 2 years, bankruptcy, a job he hated...yea it's been a little tough). But we're each other's person ya know? Like I love this man to the ends of the earth. So when I tell you what I saw on his browser history not only shattered my heart, but I could literally feel parts of my soul dying. So here we go.
About a year ago my husband and I had a huge heart to heart talk about reconnecting and wanting to get back to a new normal after kids. So we started really making us a priority, rebuilding our relationship and sharing our most intimate feelings. My husband opened up to me about his desire to give a man oral. That he isn't attracted to men, but he is attracted to male genitals. Now, I have no problem with this. In fact it I felt this overwhelming sense of attraction to him in that moment. I loved how vulnerable and honest he felt like he could be with me. It was special.
So we talked more and more about what that situation would look like, etc. We both agreed on our boundaries and our number one rule, no matter what, is to always do anything sexual, together! So we found a "safe" avenue to meet like minded couples. We had one experience and it was great, but was uncontrollably cut short. So we've opened our minds to the possibility of trying to find a male friend. In the mean time husband gets a new job and is starting to travel.
Fast forward 3 months after our last and only experience and husband gets the news that he will be traveling to Europe for 10 days. The weeks leading up to this trip he was so distracted with what I thought was travel plans, bookings, ordering things he needed for his trip. I give him grace because he's never been to Europe and I know he's excited. Fast forward to the night before he leaves.
We're laying in bed, cuddling, about to love on each other and out of the blue he asks me "If I met a man in Europe, would you be okay with me doing stuff with him?" My heart sank to my stomach. My throat closed up and all I could squeek out was NO!! I could tell that he was disappointed in my response and he said "I don't want you to worry. I just needed to ask, and now I know." I couldn't talk. I just cried myself to sleep. He woke up before me that morning and sent a long apologizing text to me to read when I woke up. Telling me not to worry. I said no and that is that....I just found this whole situation so so odd and so random. Like what? And then he asks me the night before he leaves? So I tell him that I'm super uncomfortable and I am worried because he's leaving for 10 days and we can't unpack this together the way we need to. He literally leaves like 2 hours later.
Every single internal alarm is going off, red flags are waving in the wind and I looked. I looked at his browser history and it broke my spirit. According to his history 2 days after he found out he would be traveling, he created a sex dating profile for this particular area. Then he deleted his profile the morning after he asked me the question. Then reactivated the account the moment he got to the airport His profile read : Seeking couples or a single male to show him around, have a few drinks and if things go well, maybe some guy on guy play time. Heart shattered!! Then I see that he has spent HOURS researching happy ending massages, sex clubs, BDSM clubs, glory holes, and ESCORTS!! All female escorts. He researched pricing and location proximity to his hotel room.
As far as I'm able to tell, nothing happened with anyone from the sex site (but it wasn't because of his lack of effort. He was trying real hard.) But I have very little confidence in saying I doubt something happened. Whether it was a strip club (which he can go but it has to be with me. One of our rules) or a sex club or a happy ending massage. I've looked at our finances and if anything did happen he paid cash or has a card I don't know about. So...I'm just here, staring at our little kids, heart broken and hiding it from the world. I don't want our marriage to end, but I feel like this is going to be a very painful process and I just want to be the best mom to our kids and doing that while mending a broken heart is just the hardest thing I've tried to do. I don't know how to tell him I know. I also know, now, that he researches these things everywhere he travels and is most likely visiting a strip club twice a month when he's gone. I'll never understand hurting someone you love, even if you think they won't find out. Sigh.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1097qvi/update_we_talked_original_post_link_in_comments/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
About 2 days after my post, I had a dream I had a heart attack because of all of this stress and I decided that enough was enough.
I hugged him that morning and told him that we needed to talk about something tonight after the kids were in bed. So he had to think about it all day and I had more time to prepare my words. Around 8 pm when the house was silent, I asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me and that this was his one and only chance to come clean to me about anything he had done that would hurt me. He confessed to going to a strip club in the town he has to travel to often (not Europe). I just looked at him and said "Keep going". He kinda of stumbled with words and looked confused and slightly panicked, so I said "Here, let me just hand you my phone." I handed him my phone and on the screen I had pulled up my reddit post. I said it's probably better for you to read it because I don't know if I can get the words out properly.
He read everything and some of the comments He immediately apologized for everything, he said he visited 1 strip club and one sex club while in Europe (he said he walked in, got grossed out, and walked out of the sex club), but stayed at the strip club for a few drinks. I just let him talk and I cried and cried hoping I could get it all out so I would be able to utter the words "I don't believe you!". Those words came out of my mouth at a volume and intensity I don't know that I've ever felt before. "I DONT BELIEVE YOU!!" Came barreling through the tears and then the anger hit.
"For the first time in our relationship, I don't believe you." That sentence took both of our breaths away. I could see the feeling of failure and remorse on his face. I asked why? Like I need an effing answer as to why you felt the need or desire to do this? Even though I DO believe he didn't actually physically do anything with anyone, he reassured me 100 times. Am I dumb for believing that? Maybe, but my gut has been pretty spot on, so I'm following it on this. He told me (just like a lot of you have said) that the app, the research of escorts, was just another, more real feeling, porn. That he absolutely could have done things with people there, but never ever had a plan to go through with anything. Because I said NO to his request about hooking up with someone in Europe if he met the right person.He said he just looked and masturbated to the thought of knowing he basically could buy a good time anytime he wanted with these people, and it's legal. I wanted to punch him (I didn't).
As I balled my fists, I screamed "GROW UP!!! You are a husband, a Father, a son, a brother. You have a life so many people can't even dream about. You have a wife, right in front of you, willing to go above and beyond for this relationship and your sexual curiosities and what do you do? Focus all of your time and energy on strangers on the internet. Shatter my trust for you. Blasted through a boundary that was set about solo visits to strip clubs, because you felt like that was the lesser of the evils and you've put so much time and effort into this research, you might as well reward yourself for not hooking up with escorts in Europe."
He really didn't have much to say as I paused for a breath, other than "You're right. I've been awful and I don't know what to say to make you believe that I wouldnt harm our family. I wouldn't harm your health by being with any of those people I researched. I hope you know I know how lucky I am, and I don't know why I can't control myself." I told him that I absolutely believe that he has a porn addiction that has now turned extremely dangerous for us as couple and family. He agreed. Without defense he agreed to everything I said. We are going to start counseling together and singularly.
There is so much more to say, but I'm tired. This has been so taxing and I'm just getting through it. I know I'm going to get so much hell for staying with him. I've made it perfectly clear that this is it. My words to him were "If he messes up, the kids and I are out. I told him that I had to sit down and imagine a completely new life with the kids. I've had to endure that heart ache of imagining our lives moving on without him. I've already callused my heart to the thought. Which should scare the hell out of you. But also know this, I will NOT go down silently. This is your chance to be a better Man. Right here. Right now."
He has been amazing to us since then. He has owned up to his word and kept his promises, so far. He has been communicating with me about so many things. He has decreased his porn habits by probably 90 percent. He's "dating" me again and playing with the kids more. I feel like I'm seeing the person I married again. But I'm also so scared that when this "honeymoon" phase ends, what's next. Ugh. People, just don't hurt your person. Make life beautiful and just love them with all you've got. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10f9n4r/my_husbands_browser_history_shattered_my_heart/ | 10f9n4r | 10,435 | 9,532 | [
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"2023-01-18T16:09:18" | I ran away Christmas morning | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by OOP /u/Crowninggoh in r/regretfulparents**
Trigger Warning: This is from the r/regretfulparents subreddit, which is a safe place for parents to discuss various regrets concerning their children, but it might be triggering or difficult to read for some people.
---
Reminder: I am not the OP.
[**I ran away Christmas morning**](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/103x3ur/i_ran_away_christmas_morning/) - Jan 5th 2023
FYI: Using a throwaway account since my husband follows the main one.
It has taken me more than I want to admit to be able to make this post, but I hope maybe some other parents who have been in a similar situation can use this to feel less alone.
I'm a mother of three beautiful and smart children. After giving birth to my first child I immediately regretted my decision. I realized I was not fit to be a mother and did not love my child as a mother should. My husband a couple of years after the first, convinced me to have another. I was at first extremely hesitant and did not want other children, but I decided that maybe this was a way to fix things and give my other child a chance to have a sibling. That of course didn't work... My husband loves kids, and because we come from a culture that sees the more children the better I gave in once again and had my third. I realized more children didn't really change that much for me, I was already a mother after my first and my life was already ruined back then.
Now, I don't want anyone to think that I am a bad mother, I am a great mother and fight to hide my depression every day. That is why one of the reasons I went all out this Christmas. I had suddenly gotten a flash of energy that I decided I wanted to use this Christmas. My husband, loving my change in attitude and spending time with family was all game on having a huge Christmas family party. Which included our parents, our siblings, and all our children. We were a lot of people and most slept in our house on Christmas eve. There were a lot of presents under the tree because of that.
On Christmas morning I woke up earlier than the others to prepare breakfast and I look inside the living room and just scream, completely breaking down crying. all of the presents had been opened, the boxes were opened and the presents were scattered EVERYWHERE. I completely lost it and that woke up the others. When the children saw they started crying too, they had all been so excited for the many presents this year. The adults were in shock.
Well if you wonder who the culprit was, we quickly figured out that it was my youngest. He literally went downstairs with one of his opened presents. They have recently entered a super defiant and curious age and I know I can't blame them, but god I hate them for what they did. I'm sorry, but I do. My husband's parents started lecturing me on how I should have been raising my child to not even think about doing things like that. My parents started arguing with my husband's parents. My children were screaming and crying asking me "Mommy will we not have presents?" and stuff like that. My youngest was just looking at the scene innocently and though they don't know it made me extremely mad.
I just lost it. I walked out of the house with my purse in my pajamas and just drove away. I went to a hotel and just stayed there for a couple of days in shock trying to process my feelings toward my children and just bawling my eyes out. I probably traumatized them. The whole time my husband and family had been blowing up my phone scolding me for just leaving, but if I hadn't left to cool down I don't know what I had done.
I eventually went back home, the children seemed fine. Apparently, my husband had just handed them their opened presents and that took their minds off things. The rest of the family helped create a somewhat Christmas for all the children. I do feel bad for leaving. I feel like my kids are gonna hate me for it when they grow up. My husband still resents me too, he said I failed as a mother and that he never thought I would do something like that to the kids or him.
Maybe I overreacted, I just don't know something triggered inside of me. I don't think it was just because of the presents, this was about my whole motherhood. My family told me that someday I will be able to look back on this and laugh, but I don't think so. I really don't think so. I can't even look at my youngest right now...
[**Relevant comments by OOP**]
I agree family therapy would be the best. My husband is just extremely against all stuff mental illness and family problems. He is very old school. But I will definitely talk about it with him again.
In my culture, it is sadly very common for the mother to be the glue that holds it all together. Maybe if it had not been my party too it had been easier for me, but I don't know. It is not that often that our parents come over, but this year I really just wanted the big glossy family picture for some reason, it all just escalated. It was naive of me to think I could handle it. But I agree that as women we are born in pain and carry the pain throughout out whole life, birth in pain, carry the family on our shoulders in pain too. It is a though job being a woman.
He is very much not an emotional person and I knew that. Our relationship has been very distorted since we had children. I know he loves me as the mother of his children, but sometimes I worry he doesn't love me you know? He does tend to put the children before me always which I have no problem with, it is understandable. But sometimes I feel as if he puts the children first even with small things like playing with them instead of helping me with dinner you know. I don't know maybe I'm just a bit selfish, but I really just wish he would want to spend time with me sometimes. He is also very traditional - The wife takes care of the kids, clean and so on which really developed ever since we got kids. He is a great father though.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/10950w5/i_ran_away_christmas_morning_update/) - Jan 11th 2023
First of all, I want to say thank you to those who have commented such nice things and helpful advice. With you guys, I have finally been able to see clearly. For some, it might be stupid that an internet site completely changes one's mind, but I have had no friends, no strangers, and certainly, no family telling me any of the things I have been told in this group about me, my family and the particular situation that occurred Christmas morning. Honestly, it was a wake-up call. Looking back at my life I have started to notice the wrongful way I've been treated more and more by my husband his family and sometimes even mine. It has been almost as if I have just become used to my role as a mother and wife and therefore forgotten myself completely. Forgotten my own needs and desires. And now I finally see just how unhappy I actually am.
I'm not gonna lie, this last week has been hell. I've been reading the comments and bawling my eyes out late into the night on a chair on the porch while everyone was asleep. It was almost kinda katharsis in a way. I suggested going to family therapy to my husband, but he would hear none of it. He wouldn't put the kids in it and claimed the only one who needed therapy was me. It was like talking to a wall and when the argument got really heated he did something that changed my view of him forever. It made me realize that I don't even know this man anymore and that I needed to get the F out even though he apologized profusely.
I went to my parent's house, again, bawling my eyes out, and told them everything that had happened. My mom cried with me and my father had an aura of sadness around him of course as many dads, having that stone-cold and strong face. I knew he was hurting though. I yelled at my parents for the way they had treated me Christmas morning, not defending me and texting me guilt-tripping messages. Also about past similar situations, even about my childhood. They were quite shocked, I never yelled, never reacted this way. And they were actually sorry like genuinely, they apologized.
Then I dropped the next big bomb on them. I want a divorce. I am done, you guys were incredibly right, I would die, go insane, or something even worse in that environment and I see that now. It's like I have a moment of clarity and I had to act now not to fall back into the old ways. They were of course hesitant in the start but soon came to realize that it was for the best for, honestly, everyone. A lot was discussed at their house that is way too long and complicated to talk about here.
So that's what I did. I went and filed for divorce. He of course was incredibly enraged as I was packing my things at the house with my parents. He kept telling me slurs and hurtful things the whole time, but I knew I had to stay strong. Now, a bit of information on the divorce. Firstly, his parents are rather wealthy, he can easily get amazing lawyers and legal advice and so on. I knew going into this that I would probably not get anything out of the divorce. Which was exactly how it went. The house, the cars, and the kids. He wanted it all. But I didn't care. I just want the divorce finalized. If that's his criteria for getting my life back, I'll take it. A long legal battle wouldn't be fair for the kids anyways and I wouldn't even be able to take care of them if I for some reason actually won. I know they will be loved, cared for, and happy with their father and that is the best I can give them right now. I will be able to see them once a month if I see fit though and for me, that's perfect.
I won't describe too much about how saying goodbye to the kids went, of course, it was absolutely heartbreaking in many ways, but it is too late to look back now. We have explained to them together about what's gonna happen, how it is gonna be, and so on.
The divorce is still being finalized so technically I am not completely free, but in spirit, I feel so freaking free. It is as if a weight on my shoulder has been lifted. Of course, I carry the guilt and sadness for my kids deep inside, but I keep telling myself that I did what was best for both them and me. I send them thoughts every day and I plan on writing them a long letter each about my side of the story, I want them to understand that none of this is their fault. I currently live with my parents and I feel a sense of sadness from them too. They will of course miss the big family and the kids, but I think they know they had to put me first this time. Of course, they do not agree with everything, but I never expected them to. Talking about my husband's family on the other hand... My god the guilt-tripping, "We know this isn't you" the messages were endless. I simply had to block them in the end. It was too much. When the divorce is finalized we will let my siblings know as well, I have no idea how they are gonna take it. My husband's siblings had just blocked me which honestly was fine for me. (I found out because I kinda imagined they would do something like that and had to check after blocking his parents).
I know some people may see me as a horrible mother and person, but for once I choose to listen to my heart with a little push from some people online. Thank you to you all once again. I am at this moment looking at hotels in Spain just waiting for the divorce to be finished. I am visiting an old friend over there that I haven't been allowed to visit in years. I had a little saving outside my marriage enough to spend a week or two over there. Luckily my workplace is owned by a friend that was super understanding so they let me have a month off to figure out a place to live and have some time for myself. It is as if I am in a dream and I'm scared of waking up suddenly, I feel like a new woman. Can't wait for the plane ride away from the country, and even if it is just for a while, it will feel as if I am living a truly new life.
I wish you all luck and joy throughout your lives <3 - Lots of love, Alice.
[**Highly upvoted relevant comments**]
I am so happy to see this update from you. I read your initial post when you posted it and my heart felt very heavy. Most people wouldn't have the strength to leave that kind of situation, temporarily (on xmas) or permanently (like you are now). I wish you success and happiness.
Omg OP I’m so freaking proud of you!! I remember reading your original post and being so mad that everyone acted like you were the only one who had done anything wrong. Though I’m sorry this ultimately ended in your whole world blowing up, I’m really happy for you that you’re finally doing things for YOU. I really hope you take some time to yourself to work on yourself and get some therapy and just enjoy being you. Honestly good for you, just GOOD FOR YOU.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | Triassic | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10fb4al/i_ran_away_christmas_morning/ | 10fb4al | 12,999 | 7,954 | [
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"2023-01-18T20:32:52" | My ex divorced me and now wants to be together again after 4 years + Daughter's post. | CONCLUDED | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/divorcedthrowawayacc and her daughter u/AetherDekuna on r/trueoffmychest.
**Trigger Warning** - >!false accusation, gaslighting, manipulation, parental alienation!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/107csce/my_ex_divorced_me_and_now_wants_to_be_together/) (9 Jan 23)
**My ex divorced me and now wants to be together again after 4 years**
Throwaway since I don't want to be linked back to my main account. I'm 46f, and my ex-husband is 45. We were college sweethearts and married at 26. Right before we got married, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter who's now 21 years old. I loved both of them dearly, and we've been a happy family for about 16 years before everything went down. Our only problem was my ex's mother. She always had a strong dislike for me. She never thought I was good enough for her baby boy. We had many fights, and my ex cut contact with her after the wedding when she tried wearing white to it. We had many encounters with her years after that. Sending us gifts for my daughter and purposely trying to get us to contact her again to seeing her outside our house.
4 years ago, I got home from work to see my ex and his mom together on the couch. My ex was on the verge of tears, yelling and calling me a cheater. I tried to explain I didn't, but his mother supposedly had proof. Saying she saw me with another man out in a restaurant together. I'm very faithful and loyal, but he refused to hear me out. We got into a big argument before he packed up and left to stay with his mother. When my daughter got home from a friend's house, she too started to blame me when she found out from her dad. She went to live with her dad while he sent out divorce papers. It took about a year before it was finalized. He got custody of her, and I was granted visitation rights, but she never wanted to see me.
It took a long time to move on. I seeked therapy and fell into a huge depression. I knew my ex's mother made it up to tears us apart. I can't believe he listened to her so carelessly. I don't blame my daughter, but it still hurts. I moved out of the house to allow my ex and my daughter to live there. I ended up moving to a small apartment. It's been 4 years, and I started to finally be happy again. I made new friends. We had so much fun and I got a promotion at work. I still missed my family. My daughter, but I couldn't do anything about it.
My two days ago, my daughter called me. It's been 4 years since I've last seen or heard from her. She said that my ex's mother admitted to lying. She said that my ex got a new girlfriend and his mother was furious, claiming he shouldn't have one after all the trouble she did to get rid of me. They got into a heated fight before he kicked his mom out. I nearly wanted to cry. I thought she would never admit it, and now I'm hearing my daughter. She asked to meet up and apologized so many times. I told her we could meet tomorrow.
Yesterday, I met her at a restaurant, but she brought along my ex. Something she never mentioned, nor have I agreed upon. He was apologizing, saying how much he missed me and that he dumped his girlfriend. He wanted us to be together again. I excused myself and left them there. I got back home to lots of phone calls from my daughter and text messages from her. She wanted us to talk, and she called me an asshole for leaving. I told her I wasn't comfortable and that she needed to understand. I had to mute my phone and put it down for a bit.
I haven't responded yet, and I'm not sure what to do. I love her, but I can't talk to her with him there. Not yet anyways. It feels so fast. I wanted to do it one on one. I'm deeply hurt and crying as I'm typing this. I don't know what to do.
Edit: I did not expect this post to start blowing up. I appreciate the love and support. However, I didn't make it clear about my daughter's custody. Her opinion mattered in court since she was 17 during the divorce. Although the divorce was about me allegedly cheating, my ex and I agreed to keep that apart from the actual divorcing process. Split what we needed to split and let our daughter choose who she wants to be with. She wanted to live with her dad, and I agreed. She was strongly adamant about not seeing me, so I allowed my ex to have full custody, leaving me with visitations. Not only that, I needed to find an apartment. I had to move out of the house. I was living off couch to couch in my relatives' homes. I didn't have space for her, and my ex mentioned it in court. It was the main reason why she was granted to stay with her father. I was under stress, and I was not mentally well. I signed off my rights. I looked like a mess in court, too. There was also a lot more going on during the time.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/109c7ki/update_my_ex_divorced_me_and_wants_to_be_together/) (12 Jan 23)
**Update: My ex divorced me and wants to be together again after 4 years.**
Hi. Within the past two days, a lot of stuff came out, and I'm beat. First of all, thank you for the support and advice. There were so many, but I decided to follow the ones I thought fit best for me and my daughter.
In the last post, I mentioned in the comments about an update. Two days ago, I texted my daughter to set some boundaries after the ambush attack at the restaurant. As we were talking, she mentioned new information about my ex and why he chose his mother's side over me. Earlier that morning, his mother confessed that she had paid an ex-friend of ours to lie directly in my ex-husband's face, claiming to be my affair partner. Mind you, I never had cheated in the first place. My ex took that as solid evidence and divorced me because of it. His mother is a master manipulater and had him around her finger throughout his childhood, so I'm not surprised why he'd take her side. He didn't know that the confession was fake until a few days ago. I wasn't even aware of the entire thing for 4 years. No one had brought it up to me. My daughter gave me the silent treatment, my ex's mother obviously wouldn't tell a thing to me, and probably told my ex-husband to keep quiet and to only focus on the divorce. I'm still really saddened, but everything makes sense. I was so mad at him for leaving me over her word, but it was much more than that.
Besides that, I decided to give my daughter another chance. She will not know where I live or any personal information to indicate where I am. I'm keeping low contact on her. I don't want her spreading it to her father or other people. I'll only show up during important events. Graduation, weddings, etc.I know my ex-husband will also attend. If that's the case, then so be it. I requested my daughter to put her father on the phone. He, of course, apologized so many times and hoped we could have another chance as well. He said he'd do anything to make it up and that he loves me. I said no. I explained that I was keeping him no contact and that I was heartbroken when he didn't communicate to me about the cheating allegations and only assumed. That I was practically homeless for a short time and needed to see a therapist to help move on. That I wanted to be left alone and currently not interested in another relationships. Then, I gave him a new email in case of emergencies directly involving our daughter. Anything else I will discard. That was the only time I spoke to him in the past two days.
I've been talking to my daughter, setting boundaries and whatnot. She gave small updates about what was going on with her side. They went no contact with my ex's mother, so that's good. I told her never to contact that woman again. She also apologized about her behavior at the restaurant, and that it won't happen again. I understand that emotions were running high and everyone was tensed. I forgave her. I still really love her. Mistakes can happen.
Now, a lot of you said to sue my ex's mother. I spoke to my therapist about it earlier today. She said it wasn't wise to do so. It'll put more emotional distress on me and that I might have to see her again and may relapse into a depressive state. I really don't want that. I don't want anything to do with that woman again. All I want to do is focus on myself and on my daughter. I want to rebuild our relationship, and it will be ruined if I do something drastic as in suing my ex's mother. I won't be pressing charges unless something else happens to the point where police are involved. That would be different. Other than that, I'm taking a break. My daughter can text me anytime she wants, but I did say that I may not always reply since I want to remain low contact as of now.
Thank you so much for the support and love. I can't express how grateful I am. I'm sorry I haven't replied to any of the comments. There was so much, and it was very overwhelming. This may be my last ever post on this account unless something happens in the near future. You guys are amazing. Thank you.
[Daughter's post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/109kyup/my_mom_posted_about_her_divorce_with_dad_because/) (12 Jan 23)
**my mom posted about her divorce with dad because of her mom. I'm their daughter.**
Edit: For the love of God, this is not my account. It doesn't even belong to me. I'm not using my actual one for obvious reasons.
My mom recently made two posts about our family under the title "My ex divorced me and now he wants to be together again after 4 years." I'm their 21 year old daughter, and I'm going to explain my side of things. Yes, I have been given premission from my mom to post this. There were a lot of things she neglected to say on her part. This is how I interpreted what happened on my side since ya'll are quick to blame :/
5 years ago when i was 16, my dad called me. He said he was at his mom's house and that I needed to pack my things so he could pick me up. He told me that my mom had cheated on him and now he was going to divorce her, so I did exactly as I was told. I was really mad at mom for doing such a thing. I thought they were inseparable. I was surprised. I thought they loved each other and when mom was accused of cheating, I resented her. I yelled at her. I called her really hurtful things that I regret saying. I left to stay with dad. The entire time I refused to talk to mom during the divorce. I really hated her. I truly did. During the time, I was with dad and my grandma. I met her a couple times and my mom openly hated on her. I didn't know why. She seemed sweet and supportive, helping my dad get through. She bought me presents and let me live under her roof. She was a stereotypical loving grandma. Mom ended up moving out so we can have the place back. In court, I favored my dad's side and it was approved. I refused to contact my mom. It was like she didnt even try to fight to be with me. I was still really angry at her. Dad was crying on some days. He was really stressed and saddened. She did too, but I thought it was the guilt of being caught and now having nowhere to go and being divorced as a consequence. There was a few times where I wanted to call her. Shout at her. Hate her. I didn't.
For the next 4 years, it was me, dad, and grandma who occasionally visited. She showered me with gifts, always expressing how she finally got to meet her grandbaby. She spoiled me. Dad was still sad for like 3ish years before meeting another women and they started dating. That's when everything turned upside down. Him and grandma would start getting into fights about the new girlfriend. She would threaten to harm himself and call him a pathetic excuse as a son. She knocked stuff over and constantly broke things when she didn't get what she wanted. She even threatened to hurt me sometimes and steal things away from me. Dad hardly ever brought his girlfriend over because of her. Grandma kept visiting almost daily. She was super obsessed over dad and the new girl. Now repeat that for 5 months straight until she snapped. Another fight then she confessed. I was in the other room when she screamed about how she did everything to get mom away from him so she could have him all too herself and now the new girlfriend is stealing him away. That's when I decided to call mom to tell her what happened. I was scared. The next day we agreed to meet a restaurant. I told dad about it afterwards and he insisted on coming with me. I wasn't sure at first but he convinced me to let him come. He was desperate and even broke up with his girlfriend over the phone. So I brought him with. I didn't tell mom and when she came and saw us, she was uncomfortable and left after dad was practically begging on his knees. I ended up calling her an asshole. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I blurted out something I didn't mean. I get why she left. There was no excuse for my behavior. I started spam calling her and texting her constantly, trying to get a response from her. Some messages weren't nice. I was not thinking properly. Dad was balling and started saying some depressing thoughts about how he hated himself and that he wished he was dead. I panicked like what am I supposed to do. The next morning grandma came to the house while mom was sending me long ass paragraphs about wanting to have a relationship again, but needing boundaries. The two were arguing downstairs until grandma admitted to fabricating the affair confession. She paid someone $500 to tell dad his wife was cheating on her with him. So obviously, I texted mom about it while dad kicked her out, screaming that he never wanted to see her again and that it was all her fault.
For the next day in a half or so, mom and I communicated with each other. I apologized to her about my recent behavior. It was super uncalled for and i do really regret ssying those things. At one point I gave my phone to dad so the two can talk privately with each other. Mom wants to keep low contact, which I agreed to. Dad was upset that she wouldn't take him back. I learned mom is seeing a therapist and went to see her earlier today. I haven't seen grandma after dad kicked her out. He has been saying she's been trying to call and text him like every hour. Yes, I'm still living with dad. I'm in community College. It's only a half hour away so I stay home.
I came across mom's reddit post on tiktok like 3 times. There are some comments about me that I'm really upset about. Do ya'll not understand abuse victims like jfc. I had to put up with my dad's constant depressing behavior and my grandma's gaslighting, love bombing tatic. I'm happy to be in contact with my mom. I never contacted her before was because my grandma said negatives about her. I thought mom was the controlling one. She wasn't. At all. I regret my choices and I'm willing to fix them and she is willing to give me a chance. You don't know our family. Stop acting like you do.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10fhvrf/my_ex_divorced_me_and_now_wants_to_be_together/ | 10fhvrf | 14,938 | 7,569 | [
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"2023-01-19T00:24:51" | OOP used to bully his disabled older brother | CONCLUDED | I am NOT the OOP. This was posted by [u/Krineze](https://www.reddit.com/user/Krineze/) about 4 years ago on r/confession. Side-note: OOP's account has since been suspended.
**TW:** >!Bullying, caretaker abuse, and Ableism!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Happy!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/a1jccq/i_used_to_bully_my_disabled_brother_for_years/) (November 29, 2018):
\[Remorse\]
I know this will get a lot of hate and yes I deserve it. I am not looking for any validation or forgiveness. I know I am a piece of human trash.
I just need to get this out.
I have a brother who is two years older then me. He has suffered from a condition since birth that forces him to be in a wheelchair anytime he is out of bed. He cannot use his arms that well either.
We used to have a great relationship until I turned 11 and I really started resenting the amount of attention he took from my parents. And how much stress he put them under.
I had to constantly help him, change him, feed him. I hated it.
There was a few years in his life when he so mean to my parents and it really made me resent him more.
I realize now that I had no right to judge him and I will never know how difficult life is for him.
I stopped hanging out with him and made more friends at school. I would tell my family all the fun I was having at school during dinner to make him feel bad.
I started barely talking to him or acknowledge his presence. He would get frustrated to the point of tears to get my attention.
It started escalating two years ago when I would purposely turn off the wifi and unplug the tv every time we had to leave the house so my brother could do nothing but sit in his wheelchair.
I would purposely delete his favorite saved shows on the DVR. I would make fun of his speech. Push things just out of his reach.
I would act disgusted when I had to change or bathe him. It always made him feel bad and he would apologize. I made my own brother apologize for taking a dump. What the fuck is wrong with me?
But my fucking saint of a brother never told my parents. And he never let me have it.
Three weeks ago, he was trying to talk to me non-stop and I was just ignoring him. I got annoyed and wheeled him against his wishes to the backyard and placed him under an umbrella and went back inside. I fell asleep and realized I left him out there for three hours.
When I went to bring him back inside he was in tears and wouldn't look at me. He was humiliated.
I have always felt guilty about how I treated my brother all these years but my anger towards him overpowered it. But seeing that look on his face affected me in a way that was different from before.
I stopped all the bullying after that day. I couldn't even look him in the face I was so ashamed.
Last Sunday my brother told me he was glad I was his brother and friend. I couldn't even respond. I went to my room and cried.
I'm fucking crying again typing this all out. When did I become an evil trash human being? Fuck.
I'm 17 and he's 19 now. I know there is nothing I can do to make up for the past 6 years.
My brother will be returning with my mom from a specialist appointment tonight. I'm going to apologize to him and beg for his forgiveness tonight. I want to start being being a fucking decent brother to him again.
I am a healthy guy with no issues who chose to bully his only brother for something that wasn't even his fault. I am so ashamed of myself.
**UPDATE on the same post:**
A lot of people were asking for an update so here it is.
I wrote up a long ass apology letter that I wanted to read to my brother. I waited until he got home and got into bed for the night.
I knocked on his door and he was so fucking excited that it was me. I couldn't even get through the first few words. I started crying after saying "I wanted to say I'm really sorry" and just couldn't get through it.
I just got into bed with him and laid down next to him. He hugged me really tight and said "I missed you buddy".
I fucking lost it. I never cried that bad before. He just hugged me for a long time until I calmed down. We didn't talk much. He started crying for a bit too. It was the first time in a long time we just hugged. After half an hour I got up and gave him a kiss and he told me he was so happy. Why didn't I do this earlier, fuck.
I thought I could I try apologizing properly again tomorrow. I left him the note to read anyway.
I am feeling very hopeful right now and a lot of pressure in my heart is gone. I swear to God and on my own life I will never treat my brother so badly again.
I have been working part-time for the past year and I was saving some money so my brother and my mom could go on a trip to a place he really wanted to go to. But I think I will take my brother myself instead (when I turn 18).
I also realized that I need to have a relationship with my brother where I am not just taking care of him. It needs to be like a normal brother relationship. Like going for movies and stuff. It's going to take some time for me to fix the mess I created though. I'm just lucky my brother is amazing.
I received a lot of messages. I appreciate everyone for their input and I did read them all even if I didn't reply. Thanks everyone. | HygorBohmHubner | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10fn88u/oop_used_to_bully_his_disabled_older_brother/ | 10fn88u | 5,250 | 12,740 | [
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"2023-01-19T05:02:00" | AITA for not telling my wife where her son is/has been hiding? | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Intelligent-Emu9242](https://www.reddit.com/user/Intelligent-Emu9242/). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I fixed a few spelling and grammatical errors for readability.
Fun fact to cover up spoilers: considering this guy's username, I thought I'd pick Emus. Emus can run up to 31 mph. They also have two sets of eyelids- one for blinking and one to keep out the dust. I highly recommend looking up "The Great Emu War" if you want to learn about a weird part of history.
**Trigger Warning:** >!I don't think there are any but let me know if you think there should be!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Things are looking up, but there are still some unanswered questions!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106md2l/aita_for_not_telling_my_wife_where_her_son_ishas/)**: January 8, 2023**
Just for clarification, I've been with my wife for 5 years (married for 4.5) I have a daughter, me and my wife have two kids together and she has Leo (16M) who she was adamant that I would not parent when we got together, i was fine with that since his dad is still in his life.
Leo and his mother don’t get on, never have, arguments happen often and he tries to ignore her. it's just him, none of our other kids. I've tried to talk to her about it but she just says that he's not my son. 2 years ago I had to get my daughter's toy form the roof of our house and found him sat up there in a spot you could not see from the ground, listening to music and reading a book. He looked scared when I saw him. I just gave him a smile, then threw the toy down to my daughter.
A couple days later we were the only ones home and he came to me to talk about it. I told him that i get why he needs some time to himself, what he is doing will not damage the roof and there is no way for him to fall off the roof where he sits or the path he takes to get there (out his window) also its not like he is sneaking up there to drink or smoke. Plus my wife has said not to parent him, so i don't have an issue with it and i won't say anything.
I did say something to him when i noticed he started bringing a boy up there. I just told him to make sure he is quiet when talking and to not do anything stupid. There have been times where his mother needed him, couldn't find him and would just assume he was out, but I knew he wasn't but again I didn't say anything.
Fast forward to now about a week ago my wife installed a tracker app on all our kid’s phones due to it getting darker in the afternoon/when they are out. Plus one of her friends recently did the same with her kids. Well today she was looking for Leo and couldn't find him. Assuming he was out she checked his location and he was in the house, she started searching and yelling for him. He heard and quickly climbed down the outside of the house to the drive, he then walks in the house and pretends that he was just out with some friends and got back and that i knew he was out (i cover for him sometimes).
Well even though it is actually completely plausible that it would show his location as in the house if he was just walking up to it she wasn't convinced and came to me, demanding to know where Leo, i said that he told me that he had been out with friends but i just saw him walk up the driveway (both true). She clearly wasn't happy about my answer and has been threatening more surveillance and grounding Leo and she's also saying I'm TA for not telling her. i didn't think i was in the wrong but after thinking it over while i was just trying to look out for Leo i did overstep her boundaries as a parent, so AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Is bio dad in the picture and a healthy parent?*
"Yes, Leo and him get on great and he never seems distant or reluctant when it his dad's turn to have him. Plus I've met the guy quite a bit but only for short times and he seems nice. He also trusts his dad as there are things he has only told me and his dad."
*Isn't the roof unsafe?*
"His spot is nestled between two inclines, kind of like a valley since we have an extension. so he cant fall off either side, and it's only one story, he gets there through his 2nd story window."
*Does son know there is a tracking app on the phone?*
"He does know, he just didn't think it would matter as she said she wouldn't check it often."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10a0j6o/update_aita_for_not_telling_my_wife_where_her_son/)**: January 12, 2023**
Me and my wife had a serious talk. I told her that while I have no intent to replace his father, it is ridiculous that I have no say when it comes to Leo since he lives in my house. I also told her that her behaviour towards Leo is smothering and that if she keeps up like this she will drive him away. When i said that i think it really hit her.
She started to listen more and was a lot more receptive to what I had to say. I told her that the tracking app was a violation of their privacy and that if she wants to keep them then she must let them (my eldest daughter and Leo, our other kids are young enough where I think tracking them is ok) turn it on and off. If she wants to know where they are she can call or text them.
She tried to get me to tell her where Leo has been hiding. I told her I'm not telling her. I have gained Leo’s trust and having an adult round that he can confide in and trust will be very helpful while she's trying to repair her relationship with him. Also I told her to think about how far she's pushing him if he needs to find a place to hide from her.
I told her that we should look into therapy, both as a couple and just for her, as it will be able to help her deal with her emotions and help her on her path to reconnect with her son.
At the end of this we had a look at local therapists and she also sat down with Leo and let him tell her how he feels, promising him he can say anything and he won't be in trouble.
I'm also going to be having a talk with Leo, just so he knows i'm here for him, also to tell me or his dad if anything happens and to tell him that while his mother wants to make things right, things can happen on his timeline, and he doesn't have to do anything, forgive anything or talk about anything that he is not ready for yet.
It's only a start and we still have a way to go as a family but I think this is a step in the right direction. Thank you for your help.
Also i wanted to answer a few questions i was getting on my original post.
* Yes she parents my daughter, because i let her
* Leo’s dad and I are on friendly terms but he wasn't aware of a lot of this happening as Leo hadn't told him.
* My daughter is 15 and my younger two are both 4 (not twins, the elder one turns 5 very soon and my youngest only recently turned 4)
* The kids did know about the tracker but they didn't really get a choice in it
* Yes me and my wife marries after only being together for 6 months, it was kinda an ultimatum i was given but i didn't really mind
* Leo is the spitting image of his father, but I don't think the resemblance caused the issues like some of you suggested, but I don't know for sure since my wife never gave me an answer when I tried to find out why.
***Relevant Comments:***
*What was this ultimatum?*
"She was pregnant and said she would go back to her family (who live in a different country) while she was pregnant and not let me see the child unless we got married and moved in together."
*One clarification on sharing his sexuality:*
"I did initially leave it out of my original, but the vagueness of the topic caused debate and arguments in the comments, that's why i included it. My wife does not use reddit and i have permission form my son to mention to others that he is gay as long as i do not tell his mother." | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10ft27g/aita_for_not_telling_my_wife_where_her_son_ishas/ | 10ft27g | 7,803 | 7,129 | [
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"2023-01-19T16:28:29" | OOP - TIFU by taking my wedding ring off at the gym | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/brooquad **in** r/tifu
[**ORIGINAL POST + UPDATES**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/10806sg/tifu_by_taking_my_wedding_ring_off_at_the_gym/) \- 10th January 2023
TIFU up taking my wedding ring off at the gym.
Longtime lurker, first time poster and I am posting from my phone so please forgive formatting.
I have just recently arrived home following this FU. I, a very happily married 36M with a small herd of children have been going to the gym in my little town since November 2022. I always go after getting the kids to bed which generally puts me there around 830pm.
The gym I go to has two rooms. One has cardio equipment (ellipticals, treadmills, bikes etc) the other room has free weights and various other torture devices.
My routine begins the same every time with 9.1-9.5 miles on the bike, which leaves me in a state similar to that of a walrus that has just managed to pull himself onto an iceberg, very wet and breathing heavy. This process takes me to about 8:55 pm. I enjoy hitting weights at this time because the gym is often (not always) empty and it leaves me to grunt and groan in peace. Tonight the gym was not empty when I entered the weight room.
Now I mentioned that I have been going to the gym since early November. In that time I have gotten used to the people that do spend time in the gym past 9 and this person was new. Not a big deal, she had brought her own yoga mat (the ones in the gym are blue and red and this one was tyedyeish) and she had her phone set up on a stand, I assumed she was making a video. Both of these observations were made as I walked down to my trusty bench to start my bent over rows.
I grabbed my dumbbells and sat down to continue my ritual and TIFU. I always remove my wedding ring before I lift and tuck it in my right sock for safe keeping. If I try to wear it, it digs into my hand and makes things most unpleasant. So I start grunting out reps with ol’ righty and just nicely switched to lefty when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So I stopped what I was doing and turned to see new girl standing behindish me sporting a menacing glare and wielding her iPhone. I popped out my ear bud and asked what was up. The following conversation is as I remember it.
Me: Hey, what’s up?
New Girl: You’re disgusting.
Me: Excuse me?
NG: You saw me in here and took off your ring, planning on chatting me up? (This is a little paraphrased, she swore a little too and I wasn’t taking perfect notes)
Me: What?
NG: You’re gross.
Me: Ok.
I proceeded to put my earbuds back in and get to work while she stormed to the other side of the gym and started packing up her stuff. I watched her head for the exit while I was resting between sets. Anyway, I’m rowing away and out of no where I’m blasted with a cascade of liquid which leads me to drop my dumbbell and spin around to see what’s going on. There’s new girl with her recently emptied pink yeti screaming at me ( I’m assuming for being gross, it was unclear as I had my buds in still.) I remove my ear buds so I can understand her and she storms away. I think the highlight of the exchange is that my gym shirt now smells like vodka. Do most people drink at the gym? Am I doing this wrong?
I’m home, showered and explained why my shirt smells like I’ve had a raging party to my wife. We’ve both had a good laugh. If I see new girls video on social media I’ll be sure to share it here. I don’t know who she was but it’s a pretty small town so it might pop up. Cheers.
TL;DR I took off my wedding ring at the gym causing a lady I’ve never met before to go bananas.
​
**UPDATE 1:** Well this got a lot of attention! So I had emailed the gym owner last night at the request of my wife. (She feels the same as many of you that this lady could be dangerous to others). He has already emailed back. Apparently new girl received a ban early 2022 for aggressive behaviour with another gym patron. Owner is going to call me later today for some follow up.
I will definitely look into the silicone rings, thanks everybody!
​
**UPDATE 2:** Final Update. I had initially planned on responding to a bunch of the comments but there are just so many…
Anyway, new girls previous aggression was verbal. The gym owner has deactivated her key fob and placed her on perma ban. He has also called a few of the smaller gyms in the area to give them a heads up (super cool dude).
Thanks everybody for the thoughts and advice. I know I’ve let a bunch of you down by not pressing charges etc. But I also know I have made many of you proud by completing my cardio after lifting tonight. Before I left for the gym tonight my wife recommended a rain coat for protection (she’s the best).
That’s all for now unless the video surfaces. Cheers.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10g61ch/oop_tifu_by_taking_my_wedding_ring_off_at_the_gym/ | 10g61ch | 4,841 | 11,684 | [
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"2023-01-19T18:19:44" | Got professional development coaching today because a client "perceived" me as being too "abrassive." | CONCLUDED | ** I am not OP. Original post by u/MorganaLeFaye on r/TwoXChromosomes **
History Trivia: based off of OOP's username, Morgan le Fay was a witch of Arthurian Legend. She first appeared as Arthur's sister but evolved over time to be a trouble maker, finally being portrayed in a more positive light. Source in comments.
Trigger Warning: >!Sexism!<
Mood Spoiler: >!Satisfying outcome!<
[Got professional development coaching today because a client "perceived" me as being too "abrassive."](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/z14vtn/got_professional_development_coaching_today/) November 21, 2022
I'm the right-hand of the owner of a startup company. I started as the sole account manager, quickly became a director, and I'm looking at stepping into the role of COO early next year. I designed many of the services we now offer and have personally trained the entire staff on how to deliver them. All this is simply to say I am good at my job and I know how to handle clients.
And today, I am PISSED.
One of my account managers was sick, so I stepped in to take a client call on her behalf. This is a client that I've had to communicate with in the past, and I have had extenisve conversations with the account manager about as well. He is the kind of person who only hears what he wants to hear, and will dismiss anything and everything that doesn't fit within that sphere. So when he said "I need you to do X," I had to explain "we don't provide X as a service." I then provided him with a list of things we *could* do to accommodate him, but had to reiterate several times what he could expect from our service and what solutions would work best for him. I was direct, solution-oriented, and in the end, the client was clear on what he could expect and what he was going to get.
And then he contacted my boss.
Now, to my boss's credit, he's normally a very reasonable man and 9/10 times, it feels like he's on my side. But holy crap was this the 1/10 time.
My boss decided that he needed to talk to me about being too abrassive and not being solutoin-oriented... Because that is the "perception" that the client had. Except it transpired that the expectations the client told my boss he had were the expectations I had set by the end of the call, not what he had come to the meeting demanding. When I explained to my boss what he had originally wanted, my boss just said "yeah, we don't offer that." I was like, yeah... that's what I said. And the stuff that my boss said he'd make sure happened for the client had ALREADY happened. Because I knew that was the best course of action and had already told the client that was the solution. But none of that matters because the client "felt" like I wasn't accommodating enough.
And it's getting harder and harder not to feel like the reason that the client didn't like my tone is because I am a woman. I am a woman who had the audacity to tell him "no" and he didn't like it.
**EDIT:** OK, lol. As part of my "I've learned a valuable lesson" tour, I emailed the client reiterating all the solutions that I have already implemented for him. I also basically said that my boss had given me the client's feedback and apologized for any "miscommunication" on my part. My boss was happy. The client then sent a follow up email, clearly believing he had "won," and started insisting again on shit that we simply cannot do. I forwarded that email to my boss simply asking "Now what?" Boss was all surprised pikachu face and said "I thought he understood..." I was like, yeah... it's almost as if you have to be very firm and direct or he doesn't listen.
**2nd EDIT** /u/thotblaster420 helpfully DMed me to let me know it might help if I wasn't such an abrasive bitch. Everyone, my problems have been solved. Thanks so much. I'm sure no one here will think that it was a pathetic waste of your lonely time here on earth.
[UPDATE: Got professional development coaching today because a client "perceived" me as being too "abrassive."](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/zsw2ip/update_got_professional_development_coaching/) December 22, 2022
Hi All! About a month ago, I posted about a situation that came up at work ([link to the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/z14vtn/got_professional_development_coaching_today/)). TL;DR: a client got mad because I wasn't acquiescing enough for his delicate feefees. He complained to my boss and my boss handled it badly.
First, thank you all for your support. Aside from the few trolls, most replies were encouraging or commiserating, and you all really helped me to feel better.
I wasn't going to post an update at all, but a few people expressed concerns for my standing in the company--worried I might be on the chopping block, so to speak. And since there have been a few developments with this client in particular and with my role within the company, I figured I'd make a quick post.
First, regarding the asshole client. For the past month, I have been biding my time, waiting for a good opportunity to prove that the client is a sexist asshole and that I didn't deserve the lecture. And that opportunity finally came when my boss had a convo with the client and the AM without my involvement. The AM chatted me *during* the call with all the ways he was disrespecting her. So when my boss followed up with me about it, we ended up having a long talk about how that treatment of the AM was indicative of a larger problem and I gave him some pointers on how to proactively support his staff in future. In that conversation, *he admitted he should have talked to me first and remembered my reputation with the clients before assuming the client was justified in his criticism.*
Second... for those concerned I might be fired... I have just officially been offered the COO position in writing. He said he can't imagine running the company without me, and that he knows and values what I bring to the table. I am beside myself. Merry Christmas to me!
**Edit** You guys are awesome. Also, another Christmas miracle has occurred! I have not been sent a single harrassing DM or passive aggressive Reddit Cares message. Not a single one.
** Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. ** | swtogirl | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10g8x9y/got_professional_development_coaching_today/ | 10g8x9y | 6,269 | 8,574 | [
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"2023-01-19T22:30:43" | OOP exposed his family to a toxic cancer causing element while ruining his home. | CONCLUDED | I AM NOT OP. This is a repost sub! Another PSA post!
[The original](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/dyvj3u/so_i_messed_up_bad_real_bad_one_more_warning_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) was posted in r/homeimprovement 3 years ago
[The update](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeImprovement/comments/egfguc/asbestos_contamination_update_my_consequences_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
_____
**So I messed up bad, real bad. One more warning to all before you start and project that requires demo.**
Two weekends ago, me and my wife decided it was time to replace our falling apart laminate floors. The location of the laminate we were replacing was in the kitchen, dining room, family room, Living room, and main hallway. We thought it would be nice to have all the rooms including the kitchen and dining room all one floor.
So we ripped up all of the old click laminate. In the hallways and family room we found original 1970's vinyl underneath. Since we planned on laying the floating floors again we decided to leave it alone. We proceed to chipping up all of the tile in the kitchen making our way to the dining room. We got the tile up in the kitchen and were left with an absolute mess of thinset. So I googled the easiest way to get up thinset. I found a video on youtube showing how to use a grinder with a shopvac attachment and diamond grinding wheel. I went to town and it worked a treat and I was super proud how well it came out.
Heres where my story goes south, 2 days later my dad came over to check the progress we made. I was showing him the kitchen explaining the process I used to quickly take the thinset off. My father proceeded to look at the floor and asked what was the material on it. I said its concrete (it appeared to be anyways), he said no it's not. He proceeded to grab a utility knife and cut a small square of material off the floor where I had ground down the thinset. It was a paper like material that was brittle. He said it looked to be the paper backing that came with old vinyl sheet flooring. He looked over at the family room, saw the old sheet flooring and told my that I needed to get out of the house and get the materials tested. So I packed up the wife and kids and headed to my parents house for the weekend.
Yesterday the testing company came out and took samples from all over the house. Today we received the results. Both the vinyl in the family room etc and the paper that was below the thinset tested positive for asbestos. The paper-stuff below the thinset tested positive for 15% white crystalline asbestos.
The story gets worse. I test ground a spot on Wednesday night and did a little bit more on Thursday Night. We live in South FL. We ran the AC overnight both nights. I then continued to finish the Job on Friday (the AC was off all day Friday.)
Because I pulverized the asbestos into a fine powder (literally the absolute worst thing you can do), and even though I was running the shopvac pulling up the material as I went it didn't have heppa filter and just had a regular collection bag so therefore, the asbestos, through the help of my AC has contaminated my entire home.
I exposed my family to a toxic cancer causing element and effectively ruined my home because I didn't know what I was doing. Something so innocent as just wanting to lay floors has turned into an absolute nightmare. I consider myself lucky because if it wasn't for my father, we would have continued to lay the floor and just cleaned up and never had a second thought about it and just lived in it.
The one thing I don't understand is why isn't there more awareness about this stuff? Like seriously there should be freaking commercials, warnings at home depot, pamphlets or something. Hell, the guy at the freaking flooring store could have said, hey make sure to check whats underneath your old floors before you begin.
I asked the asbestos tester, that based on her experience, was it common for home owners to do exactly what I did and never know about it - she said probably about 90% of people who do DIY do not test and do not know that they have contaminated their home. She told me that some contractors are even worse because they do so many homes. They are often working with unskilled labor that don't know or don't care and just rip it up, contaminate the area, and leave.
Anyways, sorry for the wall of text but I literally feel sick about what happened. We have no access to anything in the home. We will likely have to trash clothes, sheets, basically any fabrics in the home. We are in the position where we can afford to fix this problem but honestly its clearing us out. Let my mistake be a lesson. Be Safe.
\*\*TLDR: IF YOU ARE IN A HOME BUILT PRIOR TO 1980 PLEASE MAKE SURE TO TAKE PROPER PRECAUTIONS AND GET THE MATERIALS YOU ARE WORKING WITH TESTED BEFORE PROCEEDING TO DEMO ANYTHING.\*\*
Some have requested photos of the material. You can see it here [https://imgur.com/a/Mz7UBhX](https://imgur.com/a/Mz7UBhX)
_______
**Asbestos contamination update - My consequences of not knowing what I was doing during a simple demo of old floors**
Well, it was bad. As bad as I thought it would be. I received four quotes for the decontamination and removal of the rest of the asbestos containing floors which ranged from $17,000 all the way up to $38,000. All contractors I spoke with told me essentially the same thing - That all porous materials had to be disposed of and that my fiberglass AC duct work also had to go. The contractor we went with ended up costing us $22,000 for the abatement and another $6,800 for the ceiling repairs and re-finishing.
So here I am a month and a half into this nightmare and we just had our clearance testing done. 2 air samples out of 9 failed. The concentration for the worst one was up at 340 s/cc and the other at 140 s/cc. This was after negative air machines were running 24 hours a day for weeks and after the cleaning of every hard surface. My abatement contractor told me that in 24 years he's never failed an clearance air sample test. He also said this was the first time he's ever seen someone grind the material (he's heard of it just never seen it.) But this just goes to show how high the concentration of asbestos was in the air when I originally ground the material. So the second round of cleaning and air filtration is happening right now as I write this.
All in all, We lost all of our couches, mattresses, clothing, towels, sheets, pretty much any thing that had fabric on it. The ceilings had to be trenched in order to pull the AC duct work out without contaminating the attic as well as my air handler having to be completely dissembled and cleaned.
All of this happened because I did not know what I was doing. Had I chipped up some of the tiles and recognized what was under the thinset, I would have never ground it but I didn't know what I was looking at - luckily my father did.
I can not stress this enough. If you are in an old house, and you are going to be preforming your own demo work on anything that could even remotely contain asbestos (vinyl floors, mastic, pop corn, joint compound, really old insulation, siding, etc.) spend the $20 on a diy test kit and wait a week for results. I can not stress enough how much a pain in the ass it is to get rid of asbestos once it's in the air.
$50 and a one week delay to your project is a hell of a lot cheaper and safer than what I am going though. Also, if it is asbestos go online get disposable tyvec suits and p100 respirators - be safe. A one time hit of asbestos isn't the worst but it sure as shit isn't good- be careful with this stuff.
—-
I AM NOT OOP. THIS IS A REPOST SUB. THIS IS NOT MY STORY OR SITUATION. | BarriBlue | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10gfdaa/oop_exposed_his_family_to_a_toxic_cancer_causing/ | 10gfdaa | 7,844 | 18,196 | [
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"2023-01-20T02:27:32" | OP refuses to let SIL bully, and husband enable bullying, of their daughter | INCONCLUSIVE | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Clean-Ad8753 **in** r/AmItheAsshole
trigger warnings: >!parental loss, abuse, SA, CSA!<
*Edited names to improve readability:*
* *O = Octavia*
* *P = Piper*
​
[**AITA for forcing my SIL to apologize to my daughter and eventually making her cry?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qvgb9r/aita_for_forcing_my_sil_to_apologize_to_my/) \- 16 November 2021
My husband (both 25) and I adopted our daughter Octavia (17F) two years ago, it was a complicated thing, she's the daughter of one of my ex-friends and was \[in\] a high risk environment, I took her in when she was 14 and eventually adopted her a year after that. She does call us ''mom'' and ''dad'' and she's super close to us and loves to spend time with my husband because they share the same interests.
My husband also has a sister Piper (19F) who's quite close to him, they lost their parents when my hubby was 20 so he took her in and raised her since then, I like his sister but she can be quite possessive towards him and kinda mean to my daughter because she sees her as ''competition'' for my husband's fatherly love. This has caused Octavia to retract herself every time Piper is home or she's around my husband, my daughter has told me to that my SIL sometimes makes jokes about being ''adopted so old'', my husband and I had tried to make her stop but my SIL always says that she's just joking and starts to cry so my husband feels bad and ends the discussion.
Three days ago my husband invited Octavia to test some cars because he wants to buy a new one, she said yes so excited and then Piper said that she wanted to go too, I could see that my daughter didn't liked this but didn't said anything either, they're supposed to leave 3 hours later but 30 or 40 min after that, Octavia told my husband that she couldn't go because a friend of her had to come to finish a project and she forgot about it, Piper totally snapped at this and told her that she was lying and to ''just say that she didn't want her around'', Octavia said that she wasn't lying but Piper wouldn't have it and kept attacking my daughter until eventually she ran to her room crying, my husband and I scolded Piper but she basically ignored us.
Just before they leave my daughter's friend knocks at the door and he has a bunch of stuff with him to finish some project, proving her right. We let him in, my daughter comes down but doesn't look at Piper's or my husband face, they say they'll be back but I stop them and kindly ask the boy to go to my daughter's room upstairs please, when we're alone I told my SIL that she has to apologize to my daughter because enough is enough, she laughs thinking I'm joking but I stood my ground and she looks at my husband, who to her surprise agrees with me, Piper says that she reacted because it was ''too much of a coincidence'' and I told her that it doesn't matter and this isn't a one time thing so she has to apologize or she has to go back to her room because I won't have someone bullying my daughter in her own house.
My SIL starts to cry, gives a half-assed apology and just gets out crying, my husband says that I did the right thing but making her cry was too much and that I'm an AH for that. He drove her back to her dorm that same day, he's not speaking to me rn and my daughter is all weird around him
[**Relevant Comment from OOP**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qvgb9r/comment/hkw925o/?context=3)
**Redditor:**
*I know situations can happen fast, but I have to ask, how was she able to "keep attacking" your child without one of you stepping in? You've adopted this child into a house where she is being emotionally abused, and your husband is complicit in that by refusing to take a harder line with your SIL. I'm not clear on whether your SIL lives in the house full-time or not; it's that much worse if your daughter has to live with her bully under the same roof.*
**OOP:**
*We did, I was telling her to stop and to leave her alone but my SIL kept yelling over my and my husband's voice, my daughter had been abused before so this triggered her and she stood there while being yelled at, I was between them and I tried to remove my daughter from the room but Piper almost to follow us and that's when Octavia went to her room crying. My SIL doesn't live her\[e\] anymore.*
​
**Update in Same Post**
Hey! I didn't expect this to get that much attention, first of all I want to thank everyone for their advice and I want to address some things!
1. Octavia is already attending therapy, she's been since I adopted her and I'm doing it too.
2. We know that Piper attachment to my husband is unhealthy, but Octavia's too. Piper was closer to her dad and Octavia has a horrible story with men (physical, emotional and se\*ual). My husband has been some of the few men she's felt comfortable with (the other ones being some teachers and my dad), she loves my husband with all her heart because she always wanted to \[see what it's\] like to have a dad who loves you (she told me that herself) and I guess that, at this point, it just makes her sad.
3. I've been with my husband since high school, before his parents passing, Piper and I were close, but she \[held\] on to my husband with all she had after the incident, I understood it, I also understood that for my husband it was too much too quick, their grandparents and a aunt offered to house Piper, but she begged my husband not to let them take her so we moved to my husband's old house and began to raise Piper together. When Octavia came around, Piper and her used to fight a lot. Octavia's behavior changed progressively during these years thanks to therapy and because she went out of survival mode, but at the beginning she used to be too snarky, passive-aggressive and cold, Octavia was able to grow out of this phase, but Piper never did, and the resentment is still in my SIL.
4. I tried to get my husband and my SIL in therapy a year after the incident but they both refused, my husband wanted to show his grandparents that he was able to take care for his sis, and his grandpa believes that therapy is for the weak.
5. While I see my SIL as my kid, she has rejected me as her mother and I'm okay with that, I won't force myself in her and that's why I don't call her my daughter, but I love her and I care for her as much as I do for Octavia's, but I can't do anything without seem like I'm overstepping my boundaries with her. With Octavia's more easy, I'm legally and emotionally her mother.
6. This is not the first time I defend Octavia as some of you may think, I've done it before, I even left my husband for a while a few months ago but he came begging us to come back, truth is, my husband loves our daughter too but I know that having her sister so young and losing his parents at the same time fucked him up, he doesn't want to let anybody down yet doesn't know what's the right thing to do, if he turns to Octavia, he's betraying Piper, if he turns to Piper, he's letting Octavia down.
Lastly, I talked to my husband an hour before and I told him that this is a hill I'll die on. He either attends therapy with our daughter and I, open his eyes to Piper's manipulation or we'll split and divorce in a year when Octavia is of legal age and she can't be taken away from me. He cried a lot, and I know I hurt his heart, but as many of you said, I won't risk my daughter anymore, I'm currently waiting for my dad to come pick us up.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | snarfblattinconcert | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10gktl0/op_refuses_to_let_sil_bully_and_husband_enable/ | 10gktl0 | 7,560 | 7,098 | [
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"2023-01-20T15:48:27" | I am thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because of his changed mindset- NEW UPDATE | NEW UPDATE | \*\*I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Throwawaysurvivormom in r/TrueOffMyChest\*\*
\*\*\*\*THERE A NEW UPDATE\*\*\*\*
​
trigger warnings: >!misogyny!<
​
mood spoilers: >!Things are looking up for OP!<
​
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[I am thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because of his changed mindset](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/zuqxk6/i_am_thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend/)\- 25 December 2022
I am literally disheartened by it. I(25f) have been with my boyfriend(27m) for 3 years. He has been sweet and caring towards me. He would always buy me flowers and cook for me sometimes. I was madly in love with him and I appreciated all his efforts that he put in our relationship. But lately he has been consuming a lot of red pill MGTOW content. He is a fan of someone who I wouldn't say name of but everyone knows who is that famous red pilled bald guy is who has bugatti. At first I didn't mind. Because he seems fine. Moreover, he started going to the gym after he started listening to those podcasts. But lately he became this toxic person I don't like. A year ago when we moved in together we split the chores. Now he says he doesn't want to do that because he is a man and it is a woman's job. He constantly says that I should quit my job because women are supposed to be submissive and he is supposed to be the provider. I got angry and told him that he has the nerve to say that when he is living in my apartment that is leased under my name. That's the first time we had a huge fight. He accused me of cheating because I would hangout with my male friends. He would always share posts about how men don't need woman and how they are happier without women. Also some derogatory posts about single mothers and girls with a high body count. I was really disgusted by this.
The final straw came when I heard him and his friends talking. His friend cheated on his girlfriend, Gigi. Now she wants to break up with him. My bf laughed and said "women". They went on and on about how women are dramatic and that she should be lucky to have a rich guy like his friend as her boyfriend. It is a man's right to cheat because every great man walked on this planet had multiple wives. After his friend left I yelled at him for being a misogynist and a hateful person. How can he say something like that about someone who is hurting. He laughed it off by saying Gigi is now emotional and she will come back to him because women do not care if a man cheats as long as the man provides for her. And his friend is rich so it wouldn't be a problem. I told him this is really ironic coming from a guy who lives in his girlfriends apartment and can't even own his place. I know I struck a nerve. He hit the wall beside me and yelled how it is my fault that he has not progressed yet. And again blamed my job because every successful man had a "submissive" wife and if I was like them he would earn more money. I do not understand what my job has to do with it? It is not making him lose his money or occupying his time. I had enough i told him to get out or I will call the police. He stomped out and called me b-word. I am still a little shaken from it. What happened to the sweet boy I fell in love with? I wish I could get him back. But I don't think I can live another moment with the monsters he has become.
Edit: spelling.
​
​
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/101blzv/update_i_am_thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my/) \- 02 January 2023
I wasn’t going to update but someone actually wanted to know. Someone also messaged me asking for an update. So here is it if anyone cares. I didn’t end up spending my holidays alone. Gigi came with her friend Tina to my house. They both showed me group messages between my boyfriend and his friends. They basically shared nudes of other girls. Even Gigi and Tina’s picture were there (Tina’s bf was also included in that group). I was shaking as I scrolled through the messages. They were all bragging about the girls they hooked up with and whose gf is the hottest. I was looking for my bf’s messages. Even though there was no concrete evidence of him cheating on me, he did make some obscene comments about other girls and even talked about sleeping with them. That was the proof I needed. Though there weren’t many responses, I went with what the majority of the people told me. I packed his stuff and called my brother to find a locksmith to change my lock. I was a mess to say the least but some part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I knew that the man I loved is still there. Maybe he was under a lot of stress that I do not know. Either way I will have closure.
Two days after the Christmas, I went to his friend's house where he was staying. He looked happy to see me. We sat down and I laid all the things that had been bothering me. I told him that his behavior had been off and he was turning into someone that I resent. I liked the man who used to be funny and a little goofy but whoever he turned into is not the person I fell in love with. I even mentioned that ever since he has started watching those “podcasts” he has been like this. He tried to deny it. Although he told me that he misses being with me, he was just trying to justify his actions, even his laziness towards chores. It was just all over the place. I wish I was lying but he started chanting the same thing like he is trying to be more “masculine” and as a man it is his job to provide and my job to be his partner. He doesn’t like the fact that I have to go out to work just to keep us afloat while he has been struggling with his job and career. I understand where he is coming from. Having a low paying job can be stressful but it is no excuse to treat me like his slave. I never held it against him or called him less of a man because he earns less. This conversation went nowhere.
I brought up the group chat, he obviously got angry and started calling Gigi the b-word. I asked him if he was really cheating on me. He didn’t say yes or no. He just told me he hasn’t slept with anyone other than me. There was some harmless flirting but nothing more. I wanted to shout at him but I was in someone else’s house. He had the audacity to justify that it is not his fault if he ever “cheats” in future because a man cheating is not the same as a woman cheating. A man cheating is basically biological and he needs it. He even said a man can cheat and still love their partner. And telling a man to be monogamous is cruel. I had enough. This made my decision stronger. I told him if he can’t even promise me loyalty then don’t even bother calling me. I went home and pack rest of his stuff. I asked my brother to drop his stuff at his new place.
Later that night he came banging on my door. I didn’t open it. He accused me of being a bad girlfriend. And that I am making a huge mistake. That he is my last chance to have a family because I am 25 and already past my prime and soon will be 30. And no man wants a 30 year old hag. He went from screaming to apologizing and promising he will do better. He has nowhere to go. My brother yelled at him to leave us alone or he would call the cops. He kept cursing with every bad word in the dictionary. I snapped and yelled “Go suck (bald man with bugatti)’s d-ck”. So I guess that's about it. I do miss him badly. I still kept one of his hoodies with me. I miss that man who made me breakfast and brought flowers. I miss the man who was supportive and was all over a gentleman. Maybe he is right. I will never find someone who made me feel so love like he did once. I am just looking for a place to vent. My heart is broken into pieces. It's hard to believe we broke up for something so strange. I wish this was all a lie.
Edit: I just wanna say thank you to all the people who have shown me some sympathy. I was really down and I decided to read few comments. They really melt my heart. I know I can never bring him back. Maybe the old him is still there somewhere. I hope one day he wakes up and realizes how wrong he was. But I won't be there. But I do hope he changes for good.
​
​
\*\*\*\*[NEW UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwawaysurvivormom/comments/10ajrc9/thank_you/)\*\*\*\* 13 January 2023
I wanna thank all the people who messaged me and commented to show their support. Thank you so much for helping an internet stranger. Ngl I am still sad. The break up is still fresh. But I hope someday this all would be a distant memory.
I think I deserve to share you guys minor updates. To those of you who asked if he is still contacting me, he tried dozens of times but I didn't respond. I was also getting a lot of hateful messages from his friends. It was pretty much the same "You are making a huge mistake." "You are an idiot." "You are a b!tch" and my favorite of them all- "Women like you deserved to get passed around. You guys do not appreciate men like him (ex-bf) who wants you to be safe and not go out there in the man's world because it is dangerous. Honestly, you are so f-king emotional that's why you need a man like him (ex-bf) to show you what is right. But everyone was right. You can't with a woman. You will realize you made a huge mistake when you are in your 40s with your saggy t!ts and 100 cats while my friend (ex-bf) will be banging a chick 10 time more hotter than you." I really laughed at that one because of how ridiculous it sound. His mother also reached out to me and says that she is sorry and that she is not mad at me because it was all his fault. She is a sweet woman. Honestly, if I had a son who was spewing nonsense like him I would be really disappointed as well. But regardless, I am safe. Don't worry. I am staying with my brother for a while.
I will b moving out of my apartment as soon as possible. There is just too many memories of us. And if you are concerned for Gigi and Tina, they are doing fine. They helped me a lot. They came to see me every single day since that incident. Gigi was more devastated because she was the one who actually got cheated on. But I can hope she will do better. I appreciate all the love and support I got. I was feeling like I made a rash decision but you guys actually made me see that it is for the best. I am not sure if I will update again. But if someone big happens then I will. But for now it is calm.
​
\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster. \*\* | None | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10h08wn/i_am_thinking_about_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend/ | 10h08wn | 10,622 | 12,600 | [
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"2023-01-20T17:15:36" | OOP - TIFU by getting 100% on my chemistry test | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/oopsydoopsyloopsy **in** r/tifu
[**ORIGINAL POST**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/4gtwyi/tifu_by_getting_100_on_my_chemistry_test/) \- 28th April 2016
This happened just now. My chemistry teacher had the bright idea to let us students use "anything except our friends and our laptops" during our final unit exam today, and, as can be expected from someone as badass as me, I took it a bit too far. Her intention was to allow students to use the textbook and their notes to solve the problems (I'm a junior in high school taking a college-level Chem course) to throw us a bone after a really tough unit. So what did I do? As part of my resources, I decided to bring in a second test with answers already on it from the web, thinking that the types of questions asked were likely to be similar and I would have a better idea of what to do.
Unfortunately, I didn't expect my Chemistry teacher to be as lazy as she is, and as she handed out the test I realized something. She had exactly the same test I had. She had literally just googled the name of our course, found the test, printed it, and handed it out. All I had to do was copy in the answers from my already filled-in test, finishing miles before everyone else, giving me the rest of the period free. So far this story sounds great. As I handed it in, she asked if she could see my resources. My face froze. The silence became louder in my ears. Time slowed down. She took the packet from my unmoving hands, leafed through, and looked me straight in the face. Five seconds later, everyone's test is gone, and I'm ushered to the principal's office. By virtue of the fact that I am on Reddit, I'm already unpopular, so we'll see what happens to my social life now. Sitting here waiting for her to come back from lunch, updates to come.
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/4guasx/tifu_by_getting_100_on_my_chemistry_test_update/) \- 28th April 2016
AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: So the principal came back, we talked, the teacher said that I went beyond the bounds of what was acceptable, that it was unfair for me to get the 100%, and I should be punished. After arguing for a while it has been decided that I am not in trouble and my parents won't be contacted. That said, the teacher was violating school rules and as a result EVERYONE has to retake the test, WITHOUT any resources. No one is talking to me, everyone hates me and was looking forward to an easy grade, and the unpopular guy just became even more unpopular. Hopefully she won't just google the next test. What a great day, everyone.
TL;DR: Teacher was a lazy ass, I was a smart ass, ended up being a dumb ass, now everyone thinks I'm an ass.
EDIT: Insert typical "THIS EXPL0DED!1!!!!11" Thank you for making a lonely high schooler feel special for a day! I finally understand what RIP inbox means. One thing is clear: I was an absolute imbecile, and if I'd played my cards right none of this would have happened. But such is life, so I'll just lament my mistakes with Monty Python. My gold cherry has officially been popped; thank you, kind stranger!
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10h2gca/oop_tifu_by_getting_100_on_my_chemistry_test/ | 10h2gca | 3,189 | 7,442 | [
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"2023-01-21T01:02:22" | OOP finds out girlfriend's secret, and proceeds to react in the worst possible way | INCONCLUSIVE | OOP is u/Ill-Month2435 who posted across a variety of subs. His initial posts were on r/relationship_advice and r/AmITheAsshole, though the latter got deleted and has been recovered via unddit. He then posted updates on his profile and r/OffMyChest.
Trigger warning: >!murder of infants, attempted murder and rape of an adult, severe domestic violence, forced birth, imprisonment, and general misogyny from OOP!<
Mood: >!enraging!<
----
(2 months ago)
**My (28M) girlfriend (25F) didn't tell me that she had kids and I'm really angry about it.** [relationship_advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yp9ost/my_28m_girlfriend_25f_didnt_tell_me_that_she_had/) and [AITA](https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yp9ss1/aita_for_yelling_at_my_girlfriend_because_she/) links. The AITA is slightly different, but otherwise the same content.
I am 28M and my girlfriend Kat is 25F, we've been together for a little over 2 years. Our relationship has been pretty awesome, she really lights up my life and I adore her.
Yesterday I was helping Kat move to her new house, everything was normal until the bottom of the box that I was carrying up to her room fell through and it all ended up on the floor. Everything that was in the box was ok except this small wooden/wicker box that split a little bit around the hinges for the lid.
Because of the way that the little box split a photo had slid out, I opened the lid so that I could put the photo back in. I wasn't trying to snoop at all but I decided to look at some of the photos, it was a lot of family and pets and friends from different places and life stages, a memories type of thing. Then I came across a few photos of Kat in a hospital bed holding 2 newborn babies followed by more pictures of the babies. I kind of froze and my stomach twisted.
Kat walked into the room and saw me sitting on the floor with the baby pictures and she looked horrified. We didn't say anything for a few moments and then she sat on the floor in front of me and asked if I had any questions about what I had just found. I asked her if these are her babies and she started crying while nodding yes.
I felt myself get angry and I asked her why she would hide them from me, we've been together for over 2 years and we were starting to plan our future, I told her that I don't want to be a step-dad and she had told me that she didn't want to have children! At this point I was yelling (I've never yelled at her before) and she was just crying, not saying anything until she blurted out "they're dead".
I didn't have anything to say and I couldn't stand to look at her so I left. I decided to call my parents and I told them everything that I put in this post. My dad says that I need to talk to her and that I was rude and unempathetic in the way that I handled things and my mom totally reamed me out for "walking out on a good woman who has clearly gone through something traumatic enough that she never wanted to talk about it because I couldn't handle myself for 10 minutes to let her explain". My best friend thinks that I'm justified though.
She's been trying to call me and sending me texts asking to meet with her so that she can explain everything but I just feel betrayed and confused. I don't know where to go from here.
*An absolutely classy comment from OOP on his relationship_advice post*
[I think I also feel really weird about knowing that another man got her pregnant and I know that's stupid.](https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yp9ost/my_28m_girlfriend_25f_didnt_tell_me_that_she_had/ivi7x4a/?context=3)
----
(2 months ago)
**UPDATE My (28M) girlfriend (25F) didn't tell me that she had kids** [Link](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ill-Month2435/comments/yq5r9e/update_my_28m_girlfriend_25f_didnt_tell_me_that/)
I'm not sure how many people will be interested in this update but I figure I'll put it up. The discovery of the photos and my really shitty reaction all went down on Sunday, today is Tuesday for anyone who's unclear about the timeline.
Long story short: I really fucked up.
Long story long: on Monday night shorty after having my ass handed to me by everybody in the comments and DM's, as well as my mom telling me that I'm "not the son she raised", I decided to call Kat and asked her if we could talk about everything. She said yes but that it's an in-person talk so we made plans for me to go over to hers Tuesday (today) evening. I couldn't focus on anything at work so I cut my day short and went to her place earlier in the day.
It was a difficult conversation. She told me about how she ended up in an abusive relationship when she was just under 18. She talked about how this man had so much control over her that she could hardly even breathe and the vile things he would say/do to her. Eventually he got her pregnant by force and she wanted to abort but he basically locked her in the basement until she was too far along to do anything about it. The twins were born and she knew that she needed to escape with both of them.
She played happy family and did her best while she made arrangements and healed physically, having twins gave her an "excuse" to have her mom come around to help with everything, including documenting and escaping. Everything was ready to go when the twins were 1 year old and Kat was 20. Basically, he figured it out at the very last second.
Her children died at the hands of their father and he tried to kill her too.
She told me about the guilt she felt in so many ways from wanting to abort them to begin with, having kids with the wrong person, not being able to get them out safely, and why she deserved to live when her babies didn't.
She went through a ton of therapy and was eventually able to get to a good place and start living again, thriving honestly. She said that she didn't think she could love again and she fell in love with me unexpectedly so she never thought about how she would share this part of her past with a new partner. She felt it easier and safer to just never bring it up but apologized for not telling me sooner.
I told her that she has nothing to apologize for and my initial reaction was unjustified. I should have stayed and talked to her, I shouldn't have raised my voice at her, everything I did was wrong and that I am so sorry for not being a better partner and a better man.
To address some of the comments in my OPs; I never asked her if she had kids, I only asked if she wanted kids to which she said no. She never lied, she just left out the horrible passing of her children which I now understand.
Thank you to everybody who was (rightfully) brutal and honest. I'm not sure where our relationship will go from here, I'll update in the future if there is any interest there.
----
(2 months ago)
**I found out that my girlfriend had kids and I reacted really badly, I wish I never found out.** [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/yqzwxv/i_found_out_that_my_girlfriend_had_kids_and_i/)
A few years before I met my girlfriend, she had twins who passed away when they were a year old. I only found out because I came across some baby pictures when I was helping her move, I don't think she was ever planning on telling me about them.
At first I was angry and I lashed out at her instead of just giving her the opportunity to explain. I made the mistake of making this a "me, me, me" issue and now there might not be any going back to what we had.
I still feel confused. Everything that she's told me about her past has been true, she just decided to leave out the parts where she had kids and they died. I get that that's probably the worst thing that a person can go through, especially with how it happened, but how do you get 2+ years into dating someone before ever telling them??
She's told me that she needs some time and space to figure out where she wants to go from here because she didn't like how I reacted to the news and she sees me differently now. I messed up and now I might lose the most incredible woman I've ever known. I'm terrified and I just want to go to her and hold her and beg her for forgiveness but I know that will only make her feel smothered.
I wish I could go back. I wish I never knew.
----
Edit: Reupdated trigger warnings to be more accurate. Sorry for the oversight, makes sense looking back on it | danuhorus | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10henqt/oop_finds_out_girlfriends_secret_and_proceeds_to/ | 10henqt | 8,367 | 8,624 | [
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"2023-01-21T01:07:00" | I think my husband cheated on NYE while the kids & I had the flu (TOMC Jan 3, '23) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/pretty_chicken9053 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 2nd, updated Jan 3rd 2023.
TW Ahead: DID YOU KNOW... Some mama cats will reject their kitten(s) if they can sense that the baby is too sick to make it or will get the other kittens sick? It can also happen with moms that are too young or are sick themselves. More details for my fellow nerds in the comments if you wanna learn more. Spay those kitties!
Trigger Warning: >!Cheating!<
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/101ryo5/i_think_my_28_husband_29_cheated_on_nye_while_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I think my (28) husband (29) cheated on NYE while I had the flu
We have two kids. Over the past week each of our kids were sick and since I spend the most time with them; I caught it. They were over it by the time I got symptoms. It so happened I got the flu starting Friday night so my weekend plans were halted; I wasn't going out anyway but still.
My 2 yr old tested positive for the flu Friday and I started showing signs the same day.
Hes literally never here already but also couldn't *not* go into work and I was supposed to accompany him.
Anyway; im sick at home with two sick kids. All of us have fevers and he goes out. Yes it's his job but still.
10 o clock i sent a text saying I would be asleep by 12 so happy new year. I got a reply.
Someone called me and woke me up at almost one. I text him to make sure he was okay. Then dosed off. Ended up calling him around 3am to check on him and he claimed he was following my SIL home.
5 comes around I ask if he's okay. He claims irritation.
At 630 I text a bunch of question marks because he hasn't answered my last message. He said he was too drunk and had to chill for a bit before driving.
When he strolls in at 730. He heads straight to the bathroom and washes his face. He said some people spilled liquor all over his new sweater and shoes and he was *super mad* about it.
Told me how he stopped at the only open place to get some ice....to sober up. Okay.
When he went to sleep; I smelled his shirt. It was dry AND it didn't smell anything like alcohol. In fact, the bottom smelled like vagina *shrugs* and his shoes were squeaky clean.
So I woke him up. Like you left me home sick with the flu, with sick kids to lay up with a woman? He acted like I was tripping or making it up. "Who said that?"
I said that.
We haven't spoken since. Just small words here and there. We just got into a really petty argument because I said everyone was getting on my nerves because while I'm sick as a dog; my kids are better and bothering me and he's no help at all. I can't even recover properly because I can't rest.
He said the feeling was mutual and I told him he was welcome to leave. So he did which is fine by me honestly because I'm no dummy. But he was supposed to cut our sons hair and also I'm *still* really sick. I dont want to be dealing with this right now at all. My feelings aren't hurt at the thought of him cheating either. I actually don't care about that part. I guess he saw me being sick as the perfect opportunity.
I'm just extra annoyed but he's trying to spin this like I'm upset about not being able to go out for the new year which couldn't be further from the truth, I had no intention on going out *anyway*.
Edit: I went and reread our messages and I have the times wrong.
I sent out the first message at 10:13- that wished him a happy New Year and let him know I'd be asleep before 12. And told him to be careful.
At 1:20- I sent out a message telling him I had a fever and that my sister was looking for him. (That's who woke me up) He responded.
At 4am: I sent a "you good?"
No response. Note: we live in a smallish city. Everything shuts down at 2 and the after hours close at 3:30.
At 6:16- I sent the question marks.
He responded and said he was about to be on his way. And he came in at 7:30 ish.
Also; I didn't mention that his sweater also smelled like perfume because he *was* out but I'm a bartender. If I spill liquor on my clothes, my clothes smell like liquor and whatever smell good I had on the next day, and especially in the next few hours.
I dont think im controlling for trying to make sure he didn't get into a drunk car accident/arrested/hurt.
*In the comments:*
>Sounds like this relationship was down the drain before NYE started.
OP: No not really down the drain exactly. He is breaking into an industry that requires him to be away from home more and I'm trying to be understanding of that.
Typically we are a bit more communicative than this post shows, we've done couples courses and counseling and couples focused parenting classes and learned a few tricks. I just don't feel like he's being truthful. We've been together a very long time even though we are youngish (12 years)
>I would just ask him outright and check his phone...the vagina smell is what gets me
OP: Me too. It literally smells like vagina. Like he had sex with his clothes still on. I dont even know else to explain it. Like he didn't pull his shirt all of the way up.
This has never been an issue for us so I don't even know how to go about asking. I've never went through his phone in all of our years together and thinking about it, whatever would have been in there is likely deleted by now.
>You woke up, smelt his collar and then immediately got mad. His reaction was to also get mad and then happily leave no explanation. You are telling me it went from a happy communicative relationship to this in the matter of a couple minutes?
OP: Not exactly. I felt like his story was a lie. I smelt the entire shirt. A first for me too. It was just all of these things added together that made me take a pause and check his shirt AND shoes.
Any time either of us has had an issue, we have no issue talking about it. I know it sounds wild. Shit it's wild to me too. I promise you, all of this is completely left field. I've never even suspected him of cheating before, its just never been an issue.
>Well I mean, if you don't even care that he cheated... ?
OP: Idk how to explain it. It's not that I wouldn't be hurt or sad, I would its just I have other shit to focus on than the hurt I'd feel. Like obviously cheating is fucked up but what is getting me the most is the fact that he was just okay with leaving me sick as hell, with two sick as hell kids and his focus was getting his dick wet instead of coming home to give a helping hand. I have never been this sick in my life. I can't even focus on the part that hurts; just the fact that its pissing me off and that he's acting like the only reason I have questions is because I didn't get to party.
Also the fact that I know that if he is cheating; there's nothing I can do to change it. It happened. And I'll leave. No bargaining.
[Update the next day](https://www.reddit.com/user/Pretty_Chicken9053/comments/102h303/update_here_about_cheating_husband/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
update here about cheating husband
[Update] My husband cheated on NYE
I dont know how to link my last post but its on my page. And it was deleted from the sub I was on.
I'm not going to lie some of those comments are whew! Jesus christ.
Some questions:
Yes. You can get tested for the flu.
"You're controlling"
I mean ok. Let's go with that.
He works in the music industry. So its not uncommon for him to be away from home. Its not strange (to me) that he goes out without me because it's a part of his job. We actually almost never go out together but we usually bring in NYE together. I didn't care about him working because it was supposed to be work. But again; things shut down here pretty early, he's never come in later than 4 and that's not often at ALL.
There was someone who said his clothes wouldn't still smell like liquor. Let's go with that, why would his clothes be completely dry?? He also had on white btw.
Me saying I don't care about the cheating. It's not that I wouldn't Care, i guess I worded that bad. I *would* care. I'm not a robot. I just have other shit to worry about in this moment. I can't even begin to worry about the pain I *might* feel. Yes cheating is disrespectful, in regular circumstances. In my circumstances it's EXTRA disrespectful to me because we are so damn sick. Like damn. You care so little about me that you'd cheat NOW?
Mentions of me being a single mom: isn't typical but we have communicated about it over the last few weeks. The division of labor isn't fair. So he had been making sure he's home to help with homework/bedtime/play time more. So I've been trying to be understanding of his work I guess.
He cut back hours at his regular job as well so I didn't exactly suspect anything.
Ok to the update:
Thank you to the redditor that told me exactly what to look for. And thanks for the well wishes. I definitely am starting to feel better a bit but not by much.
Sorry if this is everywhere;
He DID cheat and I'm glad I'm not crazy. With some girl named Valerie (he had her name under his mom's!). Didn't ask many questions about who she is because idc about her. She knows he's married he knows he's married.
I asked straight up to see his phone. And apparently she's someone that comes into his regular job. He has invited her to come to events I didn't go to (couldn't go to). She danced on him and she made him hard apparently and it went from there.
Their text are soooo cringy I mean think high schoolers.
From the things I *have* been to, she was also there. She told him I was really pretty and asked if I'd be open to a threesome. He told her he'd convince me. It came up a few times.
They literally talk about me and my kids like she's an old friend. All I can do is laugh yall. Seriously.
He wrote her and told her I suspect something and she told him to delete their pics (didn't find those).
NYE was their first night physically having sex but there was an obvious build up to it.
They had sex in his car. Well his mom's car because his car is in the shop and he doesn't like to drive mine (thank god).
When I checked the time; he *was* on the phone with her when he pulled up.
He's an idiot and I'm embarrassed. I know who she is. I've never met her but I found her. She isn't my focus though. I feel bad that her self esteem is so low that she'd be willing to be a secret. Its not like he's rich.
I didn't find anything else about anyone else. But who knows.
For him, I can't even look at him. He won't leave because apparently we can work it out. *eye roll* I'm so disgusted. He didn't even shower after. He just laid in the bed I paid for and passed out.
He washed his face, got undressed and went to sleep.
I feel nauseous at the thought of him coming to kiss me and my kids after they did God knows what.
He knows cheating is a big fuck no for me, I've always said if he gets the urge to cheat; just leave because I WILL find out and I'm not nice and forgiving for shit like this.
I even opened the door for him to tell me the truth. Of course he didn't mean for it to go that far, it was *just* conversations and then he got drunk.
That this is the *first* time he has ever cheated but I can't believe that so I won't. But I'm not going to cry about it. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I just said "OK". And asked him to leave.
I have been with him and only him since I was 16 years old. He pursued me. When things got rocky and I wanted to leave, he did the work to keep *me*. He wanted ME. I've given him all of my 20s. I can't tell if I'm hurt though honestly, I'm more-or-less irritated and disgusted. I genuinely don't even have time to think about it too much.
He said it was a mistake lol I can't do anything but laugh. I should make a mistake similar I guess. And not to be cocky, but I'm not an ugly woman. I have a very nice body, my personality is amazing! Im funny as hell, im an amazing mom, and I know that I am a great wife. Im not lacking suitors at *all* This isn't on me.. and i won't delude myself into thinking I could've done anything different.
I want him to leave. He cheated. It's done and it happened. To the redditor that said I'm ruining my marriage, *I* didn't ruin my marriage. He did. Especially because he's a horrible liar. I grew up with him. I know when shit isn't right.
Edit: thank yall so much for all of the love. And well wishes. I love everyone for all of the advice and praise. I appreciate yall so much. He has agreed to leave to his mom's house thankfully. But get this....after I feel better. He's gonna stay to help with me and the kids.
*In the comments:*
My point exactly. It was cheating before it became physical. He just got sloppy on NYE because he thought I'd be asleep or too out of it, not thinking that I also have sick kids who are getting up as well. It was such a long conscious decision.
Exactly where I am in my thoughts. He's disgusting. He has to go. The level of disrespect he's shown to me; I'll never ever get over. He's a fool if he thinks otherwise.
>I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. On the flip side I’m super glad to hear you know your worth and that you’re more deserving. You didn’t even give him the reaction he probably thought would happen lmao! Good for you! In his moms car too damn that’s Ew. He’s a fucker.
OP: Yes. And I've definitely made up my mind to tell his mama to make sure gets her car professionally detailed. Thank you!
*I'm flairing this concluded as OOP has said several times that cheating is a deal breaker for her and she's done.*
**Reminder that I am not the original poster. This is a repost** | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10her55/i_think_my_husband_cheated_on_nye_while_the_kids/ | 10her55 | 13,837 | 11,460 | [
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"2023-01-21T16:52:19" | OOP notices friend's bare feet, asks for skin care regimen, and discovers that he had a skin infection for more than 30 years. | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/takatori **in** r/tifu
ETA - Random [cute pic of a dog & cat](https://imgur.com/TSdlqQF) for mobile users who don't want to see feet. Hope this helps.
[**ORIGINAL POST + UPDATES**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/o9fipx/tifu_by_seeing_a_friends_bare_feet_asking_their/) \- 28th June 2021
During puberty, the body goes through many changes as a boy becomes a man. The voice deepens, musculature increases, genitals grow and gain hair, a beard and moustache come in, and the feet develop a hard, protective crust. All natural physical development.
Or so I had assumed until this weekend, when our "pod" got together at the beach for a little summer fun.
I've always enjoyed walking barefoot on the beach, as the gritty sand tends to wear down the thicker calluses and slough off shedding skin layers. Sometimes I would even use a pumice stone to sand them down thinner so that they wouldn't tear up socks as badly as when left natural.
Now, I've never really paid attention to feet, never really looked at them closely or had a fetish for them like you hear about, so even with partners playing with their feet just wasn't something I ever did. I've seen women's feet in movies like the toes scene in The Big Lebowski, but assumed women just have softer feet than men. I probably had plenty of opportunities to see other mens' feet at the pool or gym showers, or wherever, but without having really any interest in feet, I can't say I've looked closely at anyone's feet, ever.
But on this day, one of my guy friends was wearing bright purple nail polish.
It caught my eye, naturally, and it occurred to me that somehow his toenails were long and flat, like fingernails, not white and bunched up like toenails. And his protective calluses were almost missing! Not the sanded-down smooth appearance from walking in sand or using a pumice stone, but virtually absent altogether! I wondered if this meant he didn't often walk barefoot, and so never developed them, or if he had some method better to sand them down.
So I asked, "Hey, I noticed your nail polish, your new style?" "Ha, no, my daughter wanted to practice, and couldn't say no!" "I couldn't help notice how flat your toenails are, and you have almost no calluses -- do you use some sort of special cream or trimmer to get them to look like that?" "No, they're just normal feet." "But you don't have any calluses on the bottom. Normal feet have calluses to protect them when walking on hard or rough surfaces."
And showed my foot as an example.
"Um, wow," he said, "how long have you had that? Are you taking any medicine?" "Taking medicine? For what? These are just normal feet with normal calluses." "No, no they're not, that's like the worst case of athlete's foot I've ever seen. How long have you had it?" "I don't know what you mean ... my feet have always been like this ... this is just how feet are. ... isn't it?" "No, not at all. That's foot disease. It's some sort of fungal infection. There's medicine for it. Have you never heard of athlete's foot?"
Yes, I had heard of athlete's foot. From TV commercials advertising creams to treat it. But they never showed pictures of it, nobody had ever told me what it was, and nobody for over thirty years after I went through puberty mentioned that there was anything at all wrong with my feet.
Never has a doctor mentioned it to me. Never has a partner mentioned it to me. Never has a coach mentioned it to me. Never has anyone mentioned it to me.
I just thought that's how feet are.
Epilogue: with the obligatory "this happened two weeks ago," I immediately visited a dermatologist the next business day, got a diagnosis and medication, and my feet are already halfway through a magical transformation. It's incredible.
TL;DR: While going through puberty my feet developed thick calluses and I thought this was a normal part of growing up. Nobody ever told me my feet looked strange, I never compared my feet to others, and I never realized anything was wrong with my feet until asking a friend how they made theirs so smooth and they told me I had athlete's foot for thirty years.
​
**UPDATE:** Since everyone is asking for photos, I've uploaded in-progress treatment photos [here](https://imgur.com/gallery/vUtBQZl). The first photo is of my toenails, the second of my heel. All toenails used to look like my little toe looks now. They are growing in flat and translucent now. The pinkish areas on my heel and side of foot were also covered in the same white-yellow callus three weeks ago before seeing the doctor. And the callus was MUCH thicker and flakier.
For illustration, the top picture in the [Wikipedia article](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athlete%27s_foot) and the "side of foot" photo on the [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/athletes-foot/symptoms-causes/syc-20353841#dialogId27257934) site are almost exactly what my feet looked like before.
​
**UPDATE 2:** The medicine prescribed was Terbinafine, a prescription daily oral anti-fungal pill. It is apparently quite strong, requiring regular blood work to monitor liver function. The doctor expects it to take six months to be completely cured including new toenails growing out cleanly. The doctor took skin samples and ran tests to confirm it is indeed Athlete's Foot, not other similar conditions people have mentioned. NOTE: This is apparently a very powerful medication which as noted can affect liver function, and many pharmacists and others have commented to note that people taking it are not supposed to take paracemetol/acetaminophen or drink alcohol during the treatment.
​
**UPDATE 3:** The kind redditor /u/berneealf wrote out a lengthy comment detailing a care regimen that mirrors a lot of the other good advice given in the various comment threads. Hopefully it helps!
​
**ETA the amazing comment by** u/berneealf
>Alright my man, I have some advice you should read. I have fended off athlete's foot since I can remember and I have never had to use any ingested medicine. I think you should follow your doctor's advice, but that medicine may trash your liver. DO NOT take any other medicaments during this period without consulting with a doctor. Painkillers (ibuprofene, paracetamol, aspirine) are all synthesized in your liver. Combining them with Terbinafine can be really dangerous. Alcohol is also synthesized in your liver, I don't know if your doctor told you to suspend alcoholic beverages, but at least take it easy on the drinking.
>>Now on to my personal treatment. Your feet look like a pretty advanced micotic infection, dermatrophyte fungi like the one you have require a damp environment to thrive. This may mean you have a case of hyperhidrosis AKA you're a sweaty bastard. Most people never develop micotic infections up to this point. The problem is, after you are done with your treatment and are dishcarged by your doctor, your feet will still be sweaty bastards, therefore you are prone to developing an infection again. That is not the only problem. Fungi spread through spores like plants spread through seeds. Spores are microscopical and airborne so they are likely everywhere in your closet (specially your shoes and socks). Sweaty feet + spores = relapse.
**How to combat it:**
* This will not in any way hinder the treatment prescribed by your doctor, on the contrary, it is likely to accelerate your healing so you may drop the Terbinafine sooner.
* About 6 years ago, I read that the US army treats athlete's foot with vinegar. Soldiers have little choice for footwear and socks, so they repeat often and end up with damp feet, add that to comunal showers where spores spread from one foot to another and you end up with an institution that knows how to handle athlete's foot.
* Fungi cannot handle a strongly acidic or basic PH. Mix 1 part of white cooking vinegar and 1 part of water, soak your feet for 10 min daily and dry thouroughly. This treatment has worked wonders for me and it's easy and cheap.
* Purchase an over the counter anti micotic cream. There are many avaliable and they work well. Apply it once a day on clean feet.
* Spend as much time as possible barefoot. Airing prevents dampness.
* Last step: rub your feet with a callous remover once or twice a week, this will help you remove the dead skin that provides a perfect environment for fungus, and your feet will recover faster.
>That is it for my treatment, but you might want to think about addressing the spore situation (the fact that there are spores all over your closet). I'll be honest with this one, it hasn't worked for me. I enacted a very thorough closet cleanup twice in the past when I was sure I had no present infection. In the end the infection returned after some time (granted, a lot of time). So I ended up with a halfway solution. As I said, spores are microscopic and airborne so I wasn't able to eliminate them entirely (or I might have caught them soewhere else). The solution I came up with was using vinegar to kill the spores in my shoes and socks. Make a stronger mix than what you use on your feet (2 parts vinegar for 1 part water). And soak your shoes and socks everytime you wash them. Voila! You have succesfully hindered their reproductive cycle.
**Prevention of future infections:**
* The most important step is to cycle your shoes, and have a wider assortment of shoes so you don't repeat often (hey you will also devolop a more fashionable closet). Overusing the same shoes leads to accelerating fungal development. Don't store your shoes in your closet when you take them off, give them one day to air-dry before storing.
* Prevent dampness by spending as much time as possible with bare feet, and applying talc on your shoes before putting them on.
* Check your feet: The fungus is very likely to return, but it will be very easy to get rid off if you catch it early. Early signs of infection are bad smell, itchyness, small lumps and redness in the skin.
* Keep one of those anti micotic creams and some white vinegar at hand. Once you notice an infection, you can effectively treat it in under a week with those 2 things.
* Keep an eye for itchyness on other parts of your body. Crotch-itch is caused by the same fungus as athlete's foot. In my case, I noticed that by using a special sponge just for my feet (I used to use 1 for all of my body) I greatly reduced breakouts on my face. Fucking fungus was givind me some acne.
>Well my friend I put some effort into writing this for you in hopes you will find it helpful. I'm thinking of turning this into a lifeprotip post where more people can share their treatments and tips. If you need any further sweaty bastard advice, I'm only happy to help.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10hvmf3/oop_notices_friends_bare_feet_asks_for_skin_care/ | 10hvmf3 | 10,872 | 10,369 | [
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"2023-01-21T17:20:06" | AITA for banning my sister’s boyfriend from our apartment? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/BicoloredPrism](https://www.reddit.com/user/BicoloredPrism/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers on mobile: u/terrip_t1 requested ring-tailed possums. These animals are found in Australia, and their back feet are syndactyl, which means they have two or more digits fused together. (This helps them climb.) Their tail acts as a fifth limb.
**Trigger Warning:** >!Threatening behavior in the middle of the night (idk how else to phrase it)!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Things are looking positive!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106aq6p/aita_for_banning_my_sisters_boyfriend_from_our/)**: January 7, 2023**
Please help, because I really feel like I’m being made out to be crazy…
I (27F) share an apartment with my sister (19F).
Let me preface this by saying that I am the only one on our lease, since she is not old enough (our complex says you have to be 21), so right now she pays less than half the rent in exchange to stay here, which is around $400 out of $955. She doesn’t pay for anything else: bills, utilities, etc.
Two weeks ago, after having an argument with our mother and I over not helping pay for other utilities, cleaning up messes, generally being a not great roommate, my sister left the apartment and went to visit her boyfriend (19M) at the bakery where he works.
He and I have had disagreements in the past about him smoking (not tobacco) in our apartment, which puts me at risk for eviction, and over him leaving messes and trash around when he comes to visit (where he normally stays for a few days at a time).
After this disagreement, however, I received a text from him after midnight telling me that I needed to call him to talk. I didn’t answer, because I was upset myself and I’ve not one to be confrontational, especially when I’m not calm.
He arrived at my apartment with my sister. It was after 1 AM at this point. I was in bed, lights off, in pajamas, when he began pounding on my door. Before I even answered he opened it and was in my room, yelling at me about letting my mom come between me and my sister.
I was already shaken at that point (my door doesn’t lock so I was already very caught off guard) and I was scared. I told him that it was something between my mom, my sister, and myself. Not him.
He stormed into my room and tossed his key that my sister had given to him onto my nightstand, told me to “have a nice effing life” and slammed my door shut again before I could even answer.
I told my sister I didn’t feel comfortable with him coming to our apartment anymore. It’s been a week, and she and I just had our first fight about it tonight. I held my ground and said I didn’t want him over, she says I’m irrational and being selfish, and that I’m destroying her mental health by banning him, but I really don’t feel comfortable and technically (and legally) it IS my apartment.
AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Why doesn't your door lock and why tf does he have a key?*
"For some reason, my bedroom doesn’t have one. It’s the master, and my bathroom has one, but not my bedroom door handle. Hers does, but up until now it hasn’t been much of an issue. I can’t replace the hardware but I think I’m going to look into one of those portable locks, regardless of what happens."
"And he had a key because my sister got one made for him, which she had mentioned to me briefly that she was thinking about it, and I said that I wasn’t comfortable… but when he would stay the night and she and I would both leave for work, he would stay behind and have no way to lock the door behind him. That was her reasoning after I confronted her."
*January 8 from OOP:*
"I appreciate everyone’s comments, it’s definitely reassuring to know that I’m not the one being irrational.
She moved in with me at 17 because she kind of acted the same way (not with a boyfriend but with the not helping, making a mess, gaslighting and etc) with my mom and my mom had enough, so I let her move in with me and my mom went to Florida (she was visiting when we had the talk that spurred it all).
The biggest issues are that it’s going to be astronomically difficult to afford the apartment on my own if I make her leave, and she’s still my sister. I still love her. I told her I wouldn’t just abandon her or throw her out on the street, but I know she’d either have to move in with her dad almost an hour away because she can’t afford a place of her own.
I guess I’m just feeling torn between giving in so I know she’ll be safe and housed, or standing my ground and being another person that turned their back on her."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update (same post): January 14, 2023**
Thank you for everyone that commented, it really made me feel heard and understood in the ways I needed to.
I ended up telling my sister she needed to stay with her dad for a few days while I thought about what needed to be done, and that if her boyfriend showed up at any point— whether I was there or not— that I would call the police as it was considered trespassing. I don’t think she expected that, and I think it really drove home the fact that she really might get kicked out over this boy and that— for once— I wasn’t going to roll over.
After three days, she asked if she could come over to talk and apologize. I allowed it, she apologized, said that she’d pack his things at our apartment and give them to him at work, and that he wouldn’t come over again. I pointed out the fact that we’ve never really had an argument where I’ve put down a hard boundary and kept it, and when I finally did she acted like a brat, so I made sure to address that she’s been selfish with accusing me of hurting her mental health while ignoring mine.
For now, she is allowed to stay with me again, but she and I are both looking for separate apartments. My lease is up in July, so at least I have time to look.
Again, thank you everyone. This was a huge wake up call, and I’m going to try and be more assertive about my own safety and well-being from now on.
Lots of love.
**OOP added this update to her post 3 hours after I posted this. I have permission from the mods to add it here!**
Second update:
You were all right. She snuck him in while I was at work. Got a really weird feeling in my stomach when I got home (probably the first time I’ve ever had such strong “instincts”) and checked my Ring camera. They tried blocking it, but I have two very clear shots of him walking in the door and walking back out about 2 hours later.
I told my sister to get out. She’s not the least bit apologetic. I VERY STRONGLY suggested that she needs to stay with her grandpa until she can find somewhere to go, and I think I must’ve reached my limit because I don’t even feel anything anymore. Last night I was so mad and upset that I was shaking and that my legs felt like jelly. Today I just don’t feel anything.
Thank you all, for your reassurance and condolences and support. I owe all of you a hug. | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10hw9zh/aita_for_banning_my_sisters_boyfriend_from_our/ | 10hw9zh | 7,008 | 7,306 | [
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"2023-01-21T19:26:06" | AITA for refusing to lie to my niece about why she is not allowed to come skiing with me? | CONCLUDED | **I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted by** [**u/throwaway\_neiceski**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_neiceski/) **on** r/AmItheAsshole\*\*.\*\*
​
[**AITA for refusing to lie to my niece about why she is not allowed to come skiing with me?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zppsks/aita_for_refusing_to_lie_to_my_niece_about_why/) (19 Dec 2022)
I (F29) have a brother, Hugo (M31). When Hugo was 19 he got his then-girlfriend Amy pregnant. They had their daughter Ashley (now 11) and later got married and had a baby boy (4).
Over the years, I've become close to Ashley. When I'm home (I live abroad) I take her out to shows, shopping, horse riding etc. We also keep in contact via text. She’s bright and thoughtful, just a pleasure to have around. Amy has never liked me but has mostly put this aside for Ashley.
Me and my bf are visiting my family for Christmas and then leaving to go skiing. We arranged for Ashley to come skiing and stay with us for New Years. Amy wasn't keen on this idea but relented because Ashley was excited to learn how to ski, as all her school friends do.
I took my bf's hire car to pick Ashley up from school on Friday, and she was excited because it's a sports car and I let her friends sit in it and take pictures. At dinner, she asked if I would drive her to and chaperone her and her friends going ice skating on Tuesday in town. Hugo said I probably didn't want to look after a bunch of kids, and Amy had already planned to chaperone. Ashley ignored him and begged me to chaperone. I didn't really mind but Amy looked annoyed so I said I wouldn't want to mess with the established plan. Ashley kept pushing, and said she didn't want Amy to come because Amy dressed badly and was never fun and embarrassed her. Hugo told her to apologise, which she did, but she also kept insisting it was true. Amy got teary and Hugo kept telling Ashley she’d upset her mother but this just made Ashley angrier and she dug her heels in. Because of this, she was told she was not allowed to go ice skating and is now not speaking to Amy.
Yesterday, Amy and Hugo came to me and said they didn’t want Ashley to come skiing anymore. Amy feels like Ashley needs to spend more time with her family and Hugo is supporting her. They asked if I would tell Ashley that me and bf had changed our plans and wouldn’t be going on the trip anymore. I asked why and they said if they told Ashley the truth that she would blame Amy and that would defeat the point of her trying to build a bridge with Ashley. I said I understand that but I didn’t feel right lying to Ashley and if her parents had made the decision they need to deal with the consequences not push it onto me. Amy said if I cared about Ashley I would realise it’s best for me to fall on my sword rather than alienate her further from her mother. I said no again but Hugo said we should all take until Wednesday to think about it. Ashley is still being very standoffish to her mother, and I know if she finds out her mother cancelled the ski trip it will get worse, so now I’m wondering if I should go along with Amy’s plan. I just want what’s best for Ashley. AITA?
Editing to add the background to Amy and Ashley’s relationship (commented this elsewhere): A lot of it comes from Amy trying very hard to be Ashley’s friend. Amy was young when she had Ashley and she was quite isolated caring for her while Hugo worked and went to uni (he was cut off by our parents at that time). She threw all her efforts into being a mum and being as close to Ashley as humanly possible. Ashley has explained to me that this has become very suffocating to her. She is trying to forge her own circle and she feels like Amy insists on being part of it, while also refusing to engage with her on her level.
The second part is that my parents pay for Ashley to attend a very prestigious private school. Hugo and Amy are nowhere near as affluent as the other families and Ashley feels a bit left out. It’s part of the reason I have chipped in for some of her extra curricular activities. But the fact is, she doesn’t always feel like she fits in, which is hard for her. Her school is full of non-working “Range Rover/birkin” mothers who are either “cool” or absent, and Amy is neither. She’s involved but Ashley finds her stifling, and doesn’t want her involved in her social life.
it’s also my opinion that Ashley is trying to get some emotional space from her mother only way she knows how - by making her not want to spend time with her. Amy doesn’t respond to her requests so I think she’s just resorting to being mean to her. Which obviously isn’t okay.
Edit 2 since this is being asked a lot: Ashley and I have talked since the dinner and she knows I think she shouldn’t have said what she said, we’ve talked about it. Even she said she shouldn’t have said what she said. Did I go ham and tell her she’s entitled/spoilt/throw the kitchen sink at her? No. But she knows I think she was wrong and she agree.
**Editing in comments found by** u/PJsAreComfy**:**
* She repeatedly calls me a prostitute and implies that because my fiancé supports me financially I am his employee. She has also told Ashley that I have numerous cosmetic procedures that I don’t, and that I am only with fiancé because he has money.
* The long and the short of it is, she resents that I got to have the young adulthood she didn’t. She hates that I did all the things she would have wanted to do while she had a child, and that I got rewarded for all this with a close relationship to the child that she gave everything to raise. She also thinks it’s unseemly that I don’t have a job or kids. Also, she just doesn’t like me as a person.
* My parents have always been kind to Amy. They’re both gregarious, social people. Prior to this whole mess they actually quite liked Amy, but she was never and daughter to them, and she likely never will be. I understand in some families it’s different, but that is how our family is. They don’t see my fiancé as a son, they like him, they trust him, but they don’t love him. Maybe with time those relationships develop but they’re not intrinsic. Maybe Amy expected that, and this falling short left her hurt.
***OOP's Judgement:*** *NTA*
​
[**UPDATE - My brother and SIL asked me to lie to my niece about the ski trip**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/106fwz5/update_my_brother_and_sil_asked_me_to_lie_to_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (8 Jan 2023)
First of all, thank you to everyone who responded. I received some really great advice and some amazingly kind messages, so thank you again! I am getting a lot of update requests, so here it is.
To get this out of the way for everyone who wants a quick update, Ashley did end up coming on the ski trip. We had a great time, me especially as my engagement ring arrived and me and my bf are now officially engaged.
A lot of people suggested we all sit down to discuss what's been going on, and we did. Ashley managed to say a lot of what she'd been saying to me to Amy. The conversation boiled down to, Ashley doesn't want an absent mother, but she wants a mother, not a friend. She wants a mum who drives her to ice skating with her friends, and sits in the stands to supervise, not one who comes onto the ice with them and tries to hang out. She says she does sometimes feel awkward at school, but she manages it most of the time, until her mum is around and then she is reminded that she's different. A lot more was said, but this was the main gist.
As for Amy, it turns out she has a lot of resentment towards our family, and even towards Ashley. She feels it's not fair that me and my parents focused so much on supporting Ashley rather than supporting Amy. She said instead of funding Ashley's education, my parents should have offered to pay for her to attend university after Ashley was born, or they should have done this instead of clearing Hugo's student loan debt. She said us caring about Ashley should have made us like her more but we all ignored her in favour of her baby, and now even her kid was abandoning her. I won't comment on this other than to say we were all shocked by what she said.
The outcome of the conversation was that Hugo and Amy decided never to tell Ashley that they almost didn't let her go on the ski trip. Ashley will start seeing a therapist to talk about what's been going on with her at home and at school, and bring her mother into some sessions if necessary. My parents have offered to fund it if it's not feasible for her parents to pay, but they're looking into it.
Ashley said Amy has been giving her a lot more space since she got home, and Hugo has been spending more time with her, and might start taking riding lessons with her (he played polo as a teen) for them to bond more doing something Ashley loves. Overall she seems a lot happier. Unfortunately, the things Amy said about our family have caused some issues between her and Hugo. Everyone is hoping they can work through it.
So, sort of an open ended update, but I'm really glad Ashley finally got to have the conversation she needed, and that she seems to be doing so well, because really that is all I've ever been hoping for.
Thank you again to everyone who took the time to comment!
**Editors Note: I am marking this as concluded because the original issue (the ski trip) was resolved and also because it sounds like OOP isn't planning on making a habit of updating on the overall situation.**
**Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted by** [**u/throwaway\_neiceski**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_neiceski/) **on** r/AmItheAsshole\*\*.\*\* | Celany | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10hza60/aita_for_refusing_to_lie_to_my_niece_about_why/ | 10hza60 | 9,795 | 7,721 | [
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"2023-01-22T01:30:25" | Our summer intern has gotten lazy, what should I do? | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/iaacp](https://www.reddit.com/user/iaacp/). They posted in r/AskReddit 11 years ago!
Fun fact to cover up spoilers for some people on mobile (if you want to skip this, move to the bolded section): u/Venom888 requested hyenas. Spotted hyenas are actually more closely related to the mongoose or civet than dogs! Hyenas live in clans led by an alpha female.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Light, funny read!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/x0tpe/our_summer_intern_is_extremely_lazy_and_spends/)**: July 23, 2012**
**Title:** Our summer intern is extremely lazy and spends far too much time browsing the internet and reddit and generally not working. He thinks we don't notice, but we do. How should we confront him?
So for the summer, we've had an intern. He started around June. He's a pretty cool guy, and he gets along well with the office. The first few weeks, he was fine. We gave him simple tasks to ease him in, which he picked up on. Over time, we gave him more and more, but nothing too hard or too high a work load.
Now, for the past month or so, he's been completely slacking off. I noticed the work flow coming from him has slowed dramatically, and he seemed a bit more lazy in general. So, I asked my friends in the IT department to give me a report on his internet usage. Surprise surprise. Browsing the internet, plenty of reddit, even some youtube here and there. All times of the day, at a high volume. When we last talked, I brought up that work had slowed, and asked why. His response was that he felt his work had gotten more difficult - which is BS, because he's very qualified for what I've assigned to him.
I'm not a tough boss, and I've never had to confront a worker before - our office has always had really great employees. So, how should I go about this? Give him a stern talking? A friendly one? A joking message through reddit that says "Get to work!" anonymously? He's a good kid, he's just been lazy lately.
**Edit:** OP has not abandoned you all, don't worry. As for all the comments about interns shitting yourselves - good. It might be you I call into my office later today or tomorrow. Straighten up, and get to work. The more I from interns here, the more I want to prank him!
Yes, I plan on talking to him either this evening or tomorrow morning. Yes, I will update. Some have asked how much he makes, and if it's for free: definitely not free labor - THEN I would probably understand. He makes around $18/hour if I recall correctly.
**Edit 2**: [The hour of reckoning is near.](http://www.vh1.com/celebrity/bwe/images/2011/03/prairie_dog.gif) ***(Editor's note- unfortunately this link no longer works, but here is the gif using the wayback machine:*** [duh-duh-duh](https://web.archive.org/web/20150503124136/http://www.vh1.com/celebrity/bwe/images/2011/03/prairie_dog.gif)
**Edit 3:** Edited the poor bastard's name out because the sound of so many interns shitting their pants in this thread is too beautiful. Unfortunately, there won't be time to call him in today - a meeting came up and I have other stuff to do by the end of the day. He'll be called in first thing tomorrow morning, and I **will** update you beautiful sons of bitches. Going to try and keep it light hearted, but at the same time keep firm that he *does* need to get more work done and that his browsing needs to decrease drastically. We are okay with some browsing, just not the amount he does.
One last gem: called friend in IT, had him check again since he did earlier today. Looks like he cleared his browsing cache and cookies, probably upon seeing this thread. Stay tuned...
**Edit 4:** Guys, we aren't hiring right now. I'm sorry :( Please don't PM me, I can't get you a job. If I could, I would - but you'd probably go on reddit as much as this guy. And then I'd have to come to [r/askreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/) on how to deal with the situation. And then I'd get more PM's asking to be hired.
**Edit 5:** Really, we aren't hiring. I promise I can't get you a job.
***Relevant Comment:***
*Several reddit browsing interns get VERY nervous, and some ask for the payment amount to make sure it's not them:*
"He's paid well. I believe around $18-20/hr. I wasn't in charge of that. And I don't believe any internships should be unpaid, no matter how "in demand" they are. That's really messed up.
What scares me even more is I remember not too long ago being in that situation, willing to work for free just to gain some experience."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/x2zwk/update_our_summer_intern_has_gotten_lazy_what/)**: July 24, 2012**
\[f\]irst time updating, be gentle ;)
Hey everyone! I promised I'd come back for you, unlike Kate did for Jack. I don't even know what that means.
Sorry for being a little later than planned, I had a mini emergency that I had to tend to before I could get back here. Here's the update, and the thread in case you missed it yesterday:
[http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/x0tpe/our\_summer\_intern\_is\_extremely\_lazy\_and\_spends/](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/x0tpe/our_summer_intern_is_extremely_lazy_and_spends/)
So, I met with him in our small conference room this morning. He seemed really nervous. Asked how he was doing, how work was going, etc. Asked if he had anything to air out, if he was happy with his work, interested in it, etc, etc. He gave me mostly small answers like 'yes' and 'no', while remaining a little nervous. So I asked the "okay, well do you know why I asked you here?" while remaining friendly, not stiff (heh) or anything. He had this shit eating grin on his face and said "uhh, you don't go on reddit, do you?" to which I also had a shit eating grin on my face. We laughed, and I said how browsing the internet is fine, and I don't want to have to monitor him, but we *need* more work coming from him.
So then I asked if he has trouble focusing, or is bored with work or whatever. It mostly came down his lack of focus, which I can completely relate to (I was very recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and we are close in age). We talked about things that would help him stay on track. I recommended getting up out of his cubicle every hour for 5 minutes, or walking around on our floor, and drinking plenty of water. Maybe take 5-10 minutes at lunch and go for a walk. He responded well to all of my suggestions, and I feel like the talk went great.
Then I had to inform him where we go from here: like someone suggested here, I told him we're not here to baby sit, but to help him grow and learn as a programmer. We need to make sure his time is being used appropriately. If I notice another decrease in work, that's when the the punishments are going to have to get serious and I'm going to have to inform *my* boss about all of this, which will likely result in early termination. You know, to let him know we're cool, but we are still professional and work has to be done. I also told him if he feels like he's drifting again, or needs more assistance, to contact me before he goes back into this loop.
As we parted, I said to take 10 mins to browse reddit or whatever, and then continue on his assignment. Little did he know I had my IT friend redirect reddit to his own "GET BACK TO WORK" page, just for a short while.
I believe the problem is fixed. Thanks to all who gave input on the situation, to all interns who shat their pants upon reading this, to the few that sent me some seriously awesome FBI-level interrogation techniques, and to the many of you that inquired about jobs. No, I still can't get you one. I'm sorry. Oh, especially thank you to all those that called me a hypocrite for going on reddit at work. Please read more. Browsing is fine, as long as you get work done.
**tldr: Thousands of interns produce brown fruit that flows into their sabatons upon reading this thread. Our guy was one of them. We're cool now. I'll leave it up to him if he wants to out himself here.**
Edit: I'm still getting tons of messages about how evil we are for taking an unpaid intern, and how I have *no* right to make him do any work. If you'd read the damn thread and original post, he makes around $18 an hour! Also, plenty of people are chiming that this is fake because no intern makes $18 an hour, that's unheard of. That's the going average rate for internships in this area for the major (CS) and pretty much all engineering majors.
**Edit- Please remember this was posted in 2012!** | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10i7ir6/our_summer_intern_has_gotten_lazy_what_should_i_do/ | 10i7ir6 | 8,539 | 7,465 | [
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"2023-01-22T12:46:08" | Man tells friend he is not obligated to hang around wife | ONGOING | I am not OOP, OOP is [Minutedesigner6572 ](https://www.reddit.com/user/MinuteDesigner6572/)
[original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zhdelc/aita_for_telling_my_friend_that_he_wasnt_obliged/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Dec 10, 2022
My (29M) wife (30F) and my best friend Cyan (25M) do not see eye to eye. Some backstory: my wife and I moved for my new job. Cyan was the cousin of a hs friend so I was thrilled to know someone. We quickly became best friends, closer than brothers. In covid, our job was in person vs. my wife’s WFH.
Cyan is a very kind person. I think wife hated everything about Cyan. She thought he was too goofy and hated how he teased her. My wife takes things seriously, and she’s a romantic so things like date nights are a BIG DEAL to her. she hated when Cyan hung out even when I invited him.
A few months ago I had a 4 month project across the world. I needed the promotion. My wife ended up needing surgery and she unlike me didn’t make close friends here. her friends/fam were too far. She couldn’t do normal things post surgery and wanted me to come back. I complained to Cyan and he suggested that he pop on over to help her. He ended up doing a lot more and my wife heavily relied on his kindness.
When I came back, it was like my wife flipped her switch. Things that were “immature” became “playful”, she constantly fell for his fish for compliments, and it was like Cyan could do no wrong. Cyan still hung out but it was like he couldn’t snap out of caretaker mode. The two of them are practically joined at the hip. When I went to work, my wife packs Cyan a lunch too- and his is a lot better than hers or mine. Cyan needs this or that or whatever. She showers him with attention. My wife can be overbearing like that.
At a small party, I came with my wife and she immediately zoomed to Cyan and monopolized all his time. after he went to the bathroom, which was basically the only time she left him alone, I pulled him aside and told him I knew my wife was clingy and it was okay if he kept boundaries. he wasn’t obliged to hang around my wife. I said it kindly. He turned red, told me I was an asshole, and stormed away. He left without saying goodbye to anybody but my wife.
AITA? I told some mutual friends about this and most of them are on my side. They said Cyan didn’t know how to stand up for himself, he was embarassed. Cyan is still pissed
[Update recovered with rareddit](https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1034myb/29m_30f_25m_i_think_my_friend_manipulated_me_into/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=) Jan 4, 2023
My wife (30F) and I (29M) have a close friend, Cyan (25M). He was my close friend first but after a period of a little over 3 months of a medical situation in which he helped take care of my wife, they became friends.
My wife and I have hit a rough patch recently. She accused me of being distant, of not paying attention to her or caring about her, and other things to imply I’m lacking as a husband. Meanwhile, I have a lot of things on my plate that she refused to acknowledge like the fact that my insomnia’s getting worse, my job hours are killing me, and I don’t have free time to do anything anymore.
A few weeks ago, Cyan and I were hanging out with some buddies from work and we were talking about how a friend was blindsided by divorce. Cyan made a comment to me that my wife won’t be a taken woman for long. I saw this as my wife had confided in Cyan that she was going to divorce me and he was giving me a heads up.
I had to beat her to the punch and I went to the top divorce lawyers in the area. At the time, I didn’t realize that it meant she hadn’t met with divorce lawyers. We don’t have many assets. My parents paid the down payment on our house.
I served her the papers and she sobbed for hours. She seemed shocked. Since I owned more of the house, I asked her to leave and she left reluctantly but not without more sobbing.
My wife went to a hotel at first but here’s where it gets messed up. I found out she started living with Cyan. I couldn’t get in touch with her. I confronted Cyan at work and he said it was obvious that she would stay with him because she had no other friends in our state and she hadn’t planned on being kicked out. He said he would take care of her. I didn’t feel reassured. My wife is a planner. There is no way she would not have a place to go if she was going to divorce me. The only reason I asked for a divorce was because she was getting one and I knew that the person who files first has the upper hand. I think my friend manipulated me into divorcing my wife. I don’t know why. What do I do now?
I am not the original OOP | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10iiw8r/man_tells_friend_he_is_not_obligated_to_hang/ | 10iiw8r | 4,812 | 9,031 | [
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"2023-01-22T15:33:01" | OOP is legally the father of a child who isn't his, and the mother just passed away. | CONCLUDED | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/vutk1v/canc_i_am_legally_the_father_of_a_child_who_isnt/) Posted by u/notthefather81 in r/legaladvice on 09 Jul 2022
**[CA/NC] I am legally the father of a child who isn't mine, and the mother just passed away.**
I got married when I was 18 to a woman. We decided to split up a little over 2 years later because I realized I was gay. I moved to CA, and she moved around as well, but apparently settled in NC. No, I don't have some compelling reason to why we didn’t file for divorce or even a formal separation. It just never seemed like a priority and over the years was easy to forget. We weren't exactly calling each other all the time or ever. In fact, I haven't spoken to her since the day I moved to CA over 17 years ago.
In that time, she had a child who is now 14 years old. My "spouse" recently passed away. I didn't think about this at the time, but since I was still married to her, I am legally the father of her child. I'm on the birth certificate, as was required by law at the time. Now there's the issue of that fact that I'm now the "surviving spouse", but more urgently the sole legal parent of what is emotionally and biologically a random teenager. The estate is an issue too, but less so than an entire PERSON.
One of her mother's friends is willing to take in the child, but she's afraid that if I contest paternity, she wouldn't be approved by social services as a foster parent and the child would have to face foster care, so she wants me to just give her temporary guardianship to run out the clock. I don't know anything about how any of that or contesting paternity would work. I know that foster care isn't exactly good for older kids and I don't want to ruin this kid's life if there's another option, but more informal arrangements don't seem like a good idea either. I don't want some random kid living with me nor do I think she would want that either. What do I do?
Edit: Of course her child is the proper sole heir/inheritor of her mother's estate and I will fix that as well when it is possible.
Edit 2: we do not know the bio father and he is not involved.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/xfqc5q/update_canc_i_am_legally_the_father_of_a_child/) Posted by u/notthefather81 in r/legaladvice on 16 Sep 2022
**Update: [CA/NC] I am legally the father of a child who isn't mine, and the mother just passed away.**
It's been...an eventful few months, but things have settled down now for the most part. Things have happened. It's nothing super exciting or dramatic, but here's the news.
I've met the mother's friend and the daughter. We talked it over, in exhausting detail, and went over absolutely everything we and our lawyers (she also engaged with one as well) could think of. We decided that it was best that I stay as the legal father. The mother's friend was adamant that she only wanted power of attorney, and nothing more, which the lawyers approved. SSI is put in a shared account that only I and the child are joint on. She has access to the bank card. The child is enrolled in school and I was able to get her on my insurance, even though it is going to be more expensive due to her seeing doctors out of state (technically).
The condo has been sold and that money has been added to her 529, which we hope will cover her for college. I've been working with my lawyer and a financial advisor on how to handle the finances, and we have a game plan for how to save as much of the estate for the child as possible, which mostly means that her mother's personal funds are in various savings accounts that I'll transfer to her when she's 21 or graduates college.
On a personal level, we've obviously exchanged numbers and stay in contact. The mother's friend is insisting on legal distance for herself due to some personal things that she doesn’t want to affect the child. It is a weird situation, but the child feels safe with her and I would also judge it as safe. We're not planning on her coming to live with me or any kind of instant father thing, but she is coming to visit for Christmas and may visit for some of the summer if that goes well.
TL;DR We have a working (so far) agreement and everyone is as stable and happy as they can be under the circumstances. Sorry if that's boring.
**I am not the OP** | beerbellybegone | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10im9qs/oop_is_legally_the_father_of_a_child_who_isnt_his/ | 10im9qs | 4,343 | 14,273 | [
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"2023-01-23T01:06:11" | My (23F) ex (24M) tried to kill himself because I don't want to get back together with him after he cheated on me. + UPDATE | INCONCLUSIVE | Trigger Warning: suicide, infidelity, manipulation, harassment, defamation & libel
[ORIGINAL: My (23F) ex (24M) tried to kill himself because I don't want to get back together with him after he cheated on me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10ayfq5/my_23f_ex_24m_tried_to_kill_himself_because_i/) by now [deleted user]
(January 13, 2023)
Me and my ex were almost together for 2 years until I found out he cheated on me. Ironically, he cheated on me using reddit (r4r subs) and to be honest, at first I didn't believe it but then I got hit with the undeniable proof and so I hardened my heart and broke up with him.
It was a really messy breakup with him crying, kneeling, begging, saying he only did that because he was frustrated and that he truly loved me. Other times, he blamed me for him cheating because I didn't give him enough attention. I ignored all of this and blocked his number and all his social medias. He tried using his family's phones to reach me and so I blocked them too although, I am civil with them despite all of this.
Because he couldn't reach me through the cyberspace, he eventually went to my house. Thankfully we had a locked gate and my dogs were also very alert to intruders. He couldn't get in and so he slumped in front of our street and cried while demanding to see me. I already told my parents beforehand that I broke up with him so my mom frantically called me that my ex was here crying. I immediately went back home and confronted him. He said a LOT saying how he couldn't live without me and that he'd kill himself if I wouldn't get back together with him. Now this is where I agree I did wrong, I laughed at him and said he could try. Then despite his pleas, I went inside my house leaving him outside.
After that, it became quiet for 2-3 weeks so I thought he finally left me alone. Then one day I got a call from an unknown number and when I answered it, it was his mom crying and telling me that whatever my ex did, I should forgive him because her son is in the hospital right now after trying to kill himself because I don't want him back anymore. I was really surprised and also worried and so I told the mom I'll talk about this to my parents first.
My dad said he was pitiful and that although the end decision would still be mine, he hopes that I can support him for a while even if it means lying to him. My mom, on the other hand, said he's crazy and to never see him again. My sister is impartial with all of this. I also asked my friends and they basically said don't ever meet with him because he's a manipulative ass.
My relatives eventually knew of this because the gossip mill here runs fast and said I should forgive him and to let bygones be bygones because god wouldn't forgive me if I don't forgive (I live in a misogynistic and religious country so their behavior explains it).
I do care about him and don't want him to die but I also don't want to get back together with him because i know my worth. What is the best way to do things?
TLDR: Found out my ex cheated, had a very messy breakup so I blocked all his socials and number but then I got an unknown call one day and it was his mom saying I should get back together with him because he attempted suicide.
*Most all of the commenters are telling OOP not to give in to the ex-bf and the pressure of getting back together with him. They are telling her her ex trying to hurt himself is not her fault and she should go no contact (NC). OOP seems relieved that people are supportive of her choice.*
[UPDATE: My (23F) ex (24M) tried to kill himself because I don't want to get back together with him after he cheated on me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10cnkcy/update_my_23f_ex_24m_tried_to_kill_himself/)
(January 15, 2023)
So I followed the advice here and went NC, I sent a text to his mom saying how I'll go NC but I wish for his fast recovery. Basically, it did not go well and it definitely got a lot worse before it got better.
His mom sent me a lot of messages and most were curses. Yes, it included a lot of derogatory words. I knew she was mentally troubled because of what happened to her son so I ignored it and blocked her.
When I woke up, I got lots of messages (and message requests) and it was because she posted, what was supposed to be a private matter, in social media for the whole world to see. She even posted pictures of him in the hospital and she tagged me. It was overall a very hateful post. She screenshotted my text message to her about going NC. I was turned into a villain overnight. Most of my message requests were my ex's relatives cursing me and some of them were random strangers who also rebuked me. Even worse, some of my own relatives berated me and they said I should've taken their advice and got back together with him.
Thankfully, the post didn't become viral or anything like that, but so many people I know and friends of friends saw it.
My mom told me to go on a social media detox or just go on sites where I'd enjoy and she'd handle it. Well, she posted a response to my ex's mom post and it was about how she conveniently left out the part where here son cheated on me just to gain internet sympathy. My friends also backed it up and sent receipts and screenshots. (My friends were one of the first people to know about the cheating).
The hate died down a bit and I also received some support but the damage had been done.
My ex's company saw the post (my mom's and ex's mom's) and they want to let him off because the whole issue is not good for their image since it reached a lot of people. I knew because ex's mom privately messaged my mom to delete her post because of it. She also said she'll delete her own post too. My mom got mad saying she'll refuse to delete it because "now they want to be civil?" but I did tell her to just delete it so that the whole thing can be forgotten. So far the posts are still up.
For context, I live in an asian, misogynistic, religious country so yes, I am still getting some hate messages but personally, I believe I can handle it.
As for my dad, him and my mom are not in speaking terms because my mom says he's not taking it seriously and my dad says that this isn't much of a big issue.
To be honest, the most absurd thing about all of this is how my ex is still asking for me. I got a much unneeded update from one of his circle of friends (who by the way, knew of the cheating. ALL of his friends knew of the cheating and didn't think to tell me).
I would like to thank all who gave me advice. I did not regret it one bit because who I believed to be good people (ex's mom and ex) all turned out manipulative and hateful people. No worries, I will definitely not get in contact with any of them in the present or future.
TLDR: Ex's mom made a post turning me into a villain. Mom made another post on my side. Ex's mom wants us to delete our post and she'll delete hers. No conclusion for that yet but i got a lot of hate and definitely now and for the foreseeable future, I'll be going NC with them.
*A lot of the commenters are advising OOP to get some kind of cease-and-desist letter and maybe restraining order due to the ex's mom's continuous behavior. OOP said she and her mom are in contact with a lawyer to get more advice on this.* | red_earaches | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10izs28/my_23f_ex_24m_tried_to_kill_himself_because_i/ | 10izs28 | 7,346 | 11,000 | [
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"2023-01-23T05:06:55" | My girlfriend invited her ex over to my apartment and I’m absolutely livid right now | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Leading-Sir8714](https://www.reddit.com/user/Leading-Sir8714/). He posted in r/TrueOffMyChest
Your daily fun fact to cover up spoilers: u/rbaltimore requested jaguars. The word jaguar most likely comes from the South American Tupi and Guarani languages. According to National Geographic, the name probably translates to "he who kills with one leap." Jaguars have the strongest bite of any cat for its size, and they have an extra ligament behind their nose and mouth that allows them to open their mouth way wider than a regular cat (letting them roar loudly.)
**Trigger Warnings:** >!Possible cheating!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Honestly the whole thing is sad, but OOP makes his choice!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10da715/my_girlfriend_invited_her_ex_over_to_my_apartment/)**: January 16, 2023 (in the middle of the night)**
I live in a big city in my own apartment. My girlfriend (Lilly) lives with her roommates, but if I’m being honest she basically lives over here 80 percent of the time.
Early today/ yesterday while I was at the gym with my friend (mike) she texted me that she had an “old friend” she hasn’t seen in awhile that’s in town and that it would be nice to have a quiet place to catch up. I said they could use my apartment and that I’d go out for dinner with Mike so they’d have time to catch up.
During this time I’m at the gym so I was in rush. I didn’t ask who she was inviting over ect. Well apparently I should as the old friend she was apparently catching up with alone in my apartment was her only ex boyfriend Kyle. Around 30ish mins after this conversation I get a text from her saying they’re at the apartment. I just said “bet” and continued with my friend. Mike and I finished our workout around 7pm and decided we’d go to Whole Foods as their hot/salad bars got some great food. We ate there and finished around 8:30ish.
I’m on my way home now, and honestly I wasn’t expecting anything other than just saying hi and heading my ass to bed. Shit had been a long ass day and honestly I was just ready to get to sleep. I arrive home around 9 pm, and at this point I had no idea If her friend was still over or not. I was secretly hoping they weren’t as I didn’t feel like socializing at all, but hey I’ll take one for the team.
When I walked in the apartment I see some big ass timberland boots that obviously are a mans. I’m immediately like fuck her friend brought her boyfriend im going to have to stay up and socialize now. I take off my shoes and jacket and start heading down the mini hallway.
As I enter the living area I see my girlfriend sitting on the couch with a man at separate ends but staring right at each other talking. My girlfriend notices me and jumps a little (I didn’t really find this odd at the time but now i thinking back on it makes sense).
At this point I’m still completely oblivious. I say hello and start walking towards the man. I’m looking around the house at this point for her friend honestly I just thought she was in the bathroom or some shit. I shake the guys hand and say some shit like hey I’m Lilly’s boyfriend. He replied back in like a cocky ass way with some “I’m Kyle Lilly’s ex”. I was like oh my fault I thought you her friends boyfriend. Then it got a little quiet and I rapidly come to the realization that my girlfriend has been alone with her ex In MY APARTMENT for the last couple hours.
I look at my girl and say “ so I’m taking this was your old friend?” She said yeah in a soft ass voice. At this point I wasn't letting myself jump to any conclusions but I’m tired and I don’t feel like socializing. I’m also now upset my girl was just chilling with her ex in my apartment .
It got quiet again and these two made zero effort to continue whatever convo they were having just moments ago. Lilly asks how my day was and I was like it was fine i guess again getting the vibe I’m interrupting something.
At this point I’m fed up (only like a minute or so had past since my question to her) and I look at him and asked Kyle “hey do you mind ending it here for today I actually got some things I got to talk to Lilly about” he said some “she invited me over though and we’re still reminiscing on the good ole days”. I look at Lilly she can’t even look me in my eyes.
I look back at Kyle and say” alright let me rephrase it this is my apartment and I’m telling you to leave”. He then looks at her and says “ do you want me to leave?” At this point and I’m not proud of it I completely lose my shit. Saying “what the fuck do you mean by that?! I don’t give a shit if she wants you to leave or not! I’m telling you to get the fuck out my house!” Lilly is telling me to calm down and turns And tells him he needs to leave.
Kyle gets up and heads towards the hallway to get his shit . I follow and he ends up leaving. I come back and Lilly is now pissed at me saying I embarrassed her. I EMBARRASSED YOU?
She then goes on about how my reaction is totally uncalled for as she told me he was coming over and asked. I was like no Lilly you said a fucking friend was coming over a fucking friend. Not once you mention this friend was a male much less your fucking ex.
She then says my reaction was bullshit and that I acted like an ass. I tell her you were with your fucking ex in my apartment. Do you not understand how much of a fuck you that comes across as? I then asked why the fuck y’all were meeting in the first place and she tells me he’s going through “rough” times and needs someone to lean on. And that she just wanted to be there for him as he’s a nice person and that by hanging with him in my apartment it shows nothing shady is going on.
I explain how that is bullshit and that if my ex stared having issues and I was the one comforting her she would be pissed. She was like no she’d understand because she has empathy. I was like that’s bullshit Lilly you got pissed at me at the gym cause I smiled when a girl complimented my form when lifting. She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t chase, I haven’t reach out. I just sat on the couch and thought about what the fuck just happened . I then called my father who gave me some great advice.
She then texted me these two hours ago. “Can we talk?” “Im sorry for not telling you it was my ex that I invited was inviting over. I dont want you to get the wrong idea nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. I love you. He messaged me out of the blue he needed someone to talk to. I didn’t think that much of it I’m sorry for deceiving you (that sounds like bs right?? I didn’t think much of it then followed by sorry for deceiving you like obviously you did think about it or you would’ve been truthful) . I wanted to talk to him at your place because I didn’t want you to assume something else was going on” “ please talk to me I love you”.
Obliviously if she sees this she’ll know I’m talking about us but she doesn’t use Reddit. I haven’t responded yet I’m leaning towards wanting to break things up with her after talking about all this wit my pops. Not for her talking him but for how I felt in the moment it all was happening.
It’s a huge red flag for me that she said “old fiend” instead of ex I still don’t get it. I’m the moment of me getting visibly upset with her ex she didn’t take my side once. When I was nice before I even recognized him it felt like I was the odd man out.
I just felt like she doesnt respect me. Not on some 1950s shit where the women has to respect the man, but if the roles were reversed and I was with my ex at her house I would’ve backed my girl when she was getting mad. I would’ve called my ex out for talking cocky to my girl ect. I’m still very pissed so I don’t think I should be talking to her right now it’s currently around 3 am… honestly I’m just fucking tired idek if I’m pissed.
EDIT 1: It's currently 12;44 pm Its already been long fucking day and will continue to be a long fucking day. I've seen your comments ill update tonight or tomorrow depending what the fuck ends up fully playing out, It's been a hof ass level of a day so far. IM on like 3 hrs of sleep.. PS I added paragraphs.. This whole writing was my just typing the words from thoughts last night I had no idea so many would view this...
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10dz5iu/update_my_girlfriend_invited_her_ex_over_to_my/)**: January 16, 2023 (16 hours later)**
UPDATE: This shit is long I doubt you actually want to read it all sorry I just poured my thoughts into it
It’s currently around 7pm when writing this and honestly the last 13ish hours I’ve been up have been fucking draining to say the least. I awoke in the morning to my phone going absolutely nuts with notifications from reddit. I’m honestly like oh fuck why the actual fuck did I decide to pour my personal thoughts out into a reddit post?? I began to scroll y'all's comments and to say I was shocked is an absolute understatement.
Literally almost all of y’all are actively taking my side, and I mean I was just scrolling this morning just looking for that one comment that was taking hers. It did not come. What surprised me the most were the amount of women in this thread that said they would never do this to their man and that it is beyond disrespectful. I mean those comments hit the hardest this morning as those were my thoughts exactly.
Last night was a fucking stress storm for me to be honest. I couldn’t believe what the fuck had just happened. As yall can guess from my post I live alone so there wasn’t anyone at my crib that I could talk to so I decided to call the one man that's had my back since day one. My pops. As many have messaged me and many have commented I will go into detail on what exactly our phone call entailed. First I’m gonna go back to when it originally happened so that it makes more sense. Also when reading back my thoughts from last night it was clear I was rushing at the end and honestly just fed up with everything at that point so I skipped a lot of details.
Okay to start Lilly had just stormed out of my apartment at this point when I called her out that she wouldn’t be fucking okay with me meeting with my ex cause they needed someone to “lean” on. Like I said before I didn’t call out, text, or follow her. At this point I am fucking furious and I can’t believe what the fuck just happened. I take a seat on the couch and try breathing exercises. I am trying to calm down, but it’s no use cause I keep remembering Kyle asking “do you want me to leave?” to my girlfriend. I didn’t really elaborate on this beforehand but that shit fucking sent me to another world and I was absolutely about lose my shit to the max. I just kept telling myself it's not worth it, it's not worth it, it's not worth it… At this point all I want to do is beat Kyle's ass, and all my methods for calming down were failing at this point. I Just said fuck it and picked up my phone and said “Siri call old man”
I honestly didn’t know what I was going to say at this point, but I knew if there was one person who could get through to me it would be my pops. Now I don’t remember the exact dialogue that exactly went down, but I’m going to try my best to be as accurate as possible. \*Phone dialing\* dad picks up and says ‘I seen it already vooch dropped 43 on they ass” I started laughing a bit and say “its not about that dad I just go into a huge fucking fight with Lilly dad,,, I’m really fucking pissed dad I don’t want to do anything stupid”. “Whoah whoah okay where are you right now? Are you with her? Are you guys okay?” -dad, “I’m at the crib right now and she just stormed out, yes I am chilling I just don’t know what do” - me
There's a long pause after this and I hear my pops take a deep breath and say “alright alright hit me” I began to give him the same run down I gave you guys in my last post. The whole time my pops is dead silent doesn’t say a fucking a word. I finished up the story. All he asked was “what does kyle look like?”. I won’t lie this caught my off guard cause I was like damn dad why the fuck does it matter what he looks like. I responded “uh idk he was white with long curly hair ect” “why?” my dad was like “ no no how tall was he?” at this point i'm like wtf dad,, “ uh idk his ass was like 5’9 max” my dad laughs a bit and says “explains the timberlands then, fucking male equivalent of heels” I didn’t realize it yesterday but what my pops was doing was what he always does I literally can’t stay pissed if i laugh and my dad can make me laugh on demand. I started laughing. I was like “ you right you right” he then was like “ how much he think he weighed?” I had to think for a minute but I was like “hmm maybe a buck 55 ish”.
My pops then brought up the argument between Kyle and I. “You said Lilly told Kyle to leave after you started to get mad right?” “Yeah” I responded. My dad pauses for a long time again and takes another deep breath “ (my name) I wouldn’t be surprised if this situation is a lot deeper than it seems. It speaks volumes to me she only rallied for him to leave after you began to get real upset. {my name} you are 6’0 190 lbs and were just disrespected in your own house by a man you do not know. When a woman cares for someone the last thing she wants is for him to be in harm's way. She understood exactly what was going to happen if the situation continued to escalate, and she chose to get Kyle out of harm's way. Followed by switching all the blame to you and leaving. Honestly son, where do you think she's at right now?”
I didn’t say anything. I knew what he was Implying. “ I know it hurts, but promise me you won’t do anything irrational. She made her decision there's not much you can do to change it. You’ve proven your whole life your one of one don’t lose yourself now over something that will just end up a tiny bump on your road map. I mean seriously I couldn’t be more fucking proud of you son. You're 22 living on your own in (city), you got your shit together that's rare {my name}, your rare {my name}. The right women like your mom for me (I laughed a little) will walk into your life when you least expect it. Don’t waste your energy. Everything happens for a reason son.” I paused for a minute and said “ thank you I needed this dad” my dad laughed “ of course your mom and I are here for you always”. \*Ends call\*
Fast forward back to this morning. I couldn’t sleep for shit last night so this morning was just completely ass. Lily was blowing up my phone the whole night apologizing and begging for my forgiveness. It’s around 11 am at this point I'm completely just over this situation. I still haven’t responded to her since she stormed off last night. In my opinion she made her choice. However , I got a long ass week ahead of me and can’t be having this shit continue to impact me this much going forward. I eat something and head down to my apartment's local gym to just run ( on lifting days I go to a private gym and on cardio days I use the apartment's gym). Running is therapeutic for me.
Around 1 o'clock I got a phone call and you guessed it, it was from Lilly. No part of me wanted to pick up the phone, but we’ve been dating for 2.5 years. I felt obligated. \*picks up phone\* “What's up?” I say to be immediately met with crying “Im sorry {my name} I love you to death. Please just talk to me. I shouldn’t have left last night. I panicked. You know i Love you {my name}” I didn’t say anything “{my name} please talk to me. This isn’t right, please just talk to your girlfriend. I'm sorry. I told you nothing happened, I Won't ever talk to him again please i beg can we just talk”. At this point the realization of my feelings for her started to really kick in. instead of anger, sorrow, or any emotion tbh I just felt a sense of indifference when she spoke. I responded “can you come over around 3?” still crying at this point “YES yes yes yes” she says. “Ok” I say \*ends call\*
I’m just sitting on the sofa now at this time just waiting for 3 to roll around. Scrolling through the comments on my previous post. \*knock\* \*knock\* I hear from the hallway. Shortly after I see my girlfriend emerge from the mini hallway. She begins to start smiling and crying while wiping her tears. Again I take notice of how I feel at this moment. A sense of indifference. A feeling I don’t care about anymore. It really started to hit me, 2.5 years wasted just like that. The woman who I cared so deeply for just 24 hrs before now is in front of me crying and I don’t feel a thing. “Lilly, it’s over between us” I said. Completely shocked, she barely manages to mutter out “what?” while still crying. “It’s over” I repeated. “(my name) (my name) (my name) (my name) (my name) no no no no no no no. Please, I'm sorry. Don't end this between us I love you to death” she said hysterically. Now I won’t lie that last bit hit hard. I mean fucking hard man. I couldn’t mask it anymore; the lid had been broken.
“Don't end this between us?” I say. “ Lilly, I'm sorry I can’t take this shit anymore. I don’t know what impression I gave you over our relationship, but I won’t stay in a relationship with a women who thinks that fucking little of me. You made the decision to end shit between us when invited your ex into my apartment behind my fucking back Lilly. That is something I refuse to let slide Lilly” At this point my thoughts just begin to flow out of my mouth like a fucking tidal wave. “ No man is that cocky for no reason Lilly. I’m not a fucking fool Lilly. You gave him some type of reassurance to give him the confidence to act like that. Shit you even backed him in front of me. Why the fuck would I stay with someone whose not going to have my back?” Absolutely balling at this point Lilly say ”I’m sorry (my name) I love you Im sorry”
Yall can call me whatever you want but at this point I just went soft. I didn’t have the heart to keep drilling her anymore. She was just breaking down crying uncontrollably. I just sat down in silence. “ (my name) I'm sorry it won't happen again (my name) I love you only you. I won't ever talk to him again I wont I promise. ( my name) please just give me one more chance” said lilly. I'm completely silent. I mean there was just a huge fucking pressure on my chest it felt like my ribcage was gonna crack under the pressure. Sat there silently listening to her crying I remembered one my favorite songs “ [I'd rather have loyalty than love, 'Cause love really don't mean jack, See love is just a feeling, You can love somebody and still stab them in they back, It don't take much to love, You can love somebody just by being attached, See loyalty is a action, You can love or hate me and still have my back](https://genius.com/21574453/21-savage-ball-w-o-you/Id-rather-have-loyalty-than-love-cause-love-really-dont-mean-jack-straight-up-see-love-is-just-a-feeling-you-can-love-somebody-and-still-stab-them-in-they-back-on-god-it-dont-take-much-to-love-you-can-love-somebody-just-by-being-attached-21-see-loyalty-is-a-action-you-can-love-or-hate-me-and-still-have-my-back-facts)” -21 savage.
I just kept repeating those lyrics in my head over and over and over again. To many, it might seem she said all the right things,but to me actions speak louder than words. Last night she chose to make her decision on us through her actions, and since actions speak louder than words it really didn’t matter what she said.
I'm struggling to keep it together at this point. I really did love her, shit I still fucking do, but I understood this was what's best for me. I wouldn’t have been able to trust her again. You can't be in a relationship without trust or loyalty. I lost both from her.
As she cries I look up and say “Lilly please, it's over. There's no saving this” she looks at me and says “(my name” “no please just stop it's over Lilly” I interrupt. ‘Please just do us both a favor and take your things and leave Lilly. It's over please let's just end it here”. She doesn’t say anything and gets up and starts grabbing some of her things around their apartment. I grabbed a garbage bag and helped her pack. She left the keys to my apartment on the table and left.
This all finished up around 4:30 today I’ve just been sitting here trying to process what the fuck just happened. Honestly it all still doesn’t feel real. I never intended on posting on reddit yesterday, but I just needed a place to fucking vent and since it blew up I felt like It I should update yall today. It’s 7:35 as I finish writing this. I’m fucking hurt. The weight of what the fuck just went dont over the last 24 hours doesn’t real. To anyone actually who actually read this long ass update thank you. To those who commented on my previous post, than you, I fucking needed a place to vent last night.
***Relevant Comments:***
\*\*\*"\*\*\*I tried to be as transparent as possible and show both sides to the best of my ability. What y’all read was my raw emotion. Over the last month I’ve picked up journaling on my self improvement journey. It’s really helps understand your own thoughts. Last night I decided to post to this sub instead of my notes app. I appreciate the kind words you all have given me. I’m going to continue to work on myself and push forward."
*Your ages?*
"my ex and I are both 22"
*You know Lilly best- do you think she cheated?*
"I avoided talking about this and as many are criticizing in the comments I didn’t ask questions. I don’t know what they talked about, I don’t know where she went that night I’m left with my own imagination on that. The fact of the matter it doesn’t matter if they engaged in sexual activities or not. It wouldn’t have Changed the outcome. My frustrations were never about that. It was the lack of respect she displayed towards me. I don’t know if she physically cheating and honestly i don’t care. Multiple dealbreakers were broken with the information I do have."
***I marked this as concluded as OOP has broken up with Lilly.***
**Edit- Again, I am not OOP. This is a repost sub- see the rules of the sub if you have more questions. I posted this because both posts were the top post on** r/TrueOffMyChest **over the last week, and gained a lot of traction.** | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10j4h41/my_girlfriend_invited_her_ex_over_to_my_apartment/ | 10j4h41 | 22,276 | 13,230 | [
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"2023-01-23T06:00:10" | AITA for skipping my stepdaughter's wedding? | CONCLUDED | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/Single_Year3855 in r/amitheasshole.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10dd4yz/aita_for_skipping_my_stepdaughters_wedding/) (16 Jan 23)
**AITA for skipping my stepdaughter's wedding?**
I (50f) have 2 step-children, Sarah (23f) and Mike (28m). I have been in their lives since Sarah was 2. Sarah's mom Kate was a drug addict, when Sarah was 3 she lost all her parental rights because of her addiction. Kate left after that and didn't have any contact until Sarah was 17.
That's when Kate reached out to us saying she was clean and wanted a relationship with the kids. My husband Rob was against this but I wanted to give her a chance. We met with her and it turns out she had been clean for a while, going to therapy, and had a decent job.
Mike was against meeting her, and to this day insists I'm his only mom and Kate is dead to him. Sarah was more open to Kate and resented Mike for rejecting her. I explained that Mike was older and witnessed Kate at her worse so he has a different relationship with her. While Sarah only remembers her after getting clean.
This issue still caused a lot of resentment between them and me. Kate blamed me for Mike being hostile and resented me. It didn't help that Sarah started rejecting me for Kate. She stopped spending time with me no matter what I did and stopped calling me mom, I told her how hurt I was. How she didn't have to choose, she could have us both. I never had an issue with Sarah and Kate, I only had an issue with being rejected.
Sarah told me that while she appreciated me at the end of the day Kate was her and Mike's real mom. This crushed me, the final straw was when she didn't invite me to her high school graduation. I told her if she didn't want to be my daughter then fine. From then on she would be my husband's kid. Mike is NC with her as well.
3 months ago she came over with her fiance (who we didn't even know existed) to invite us to their wedding. She said she wanted me at the bridal party but I refused. I told her we hadn't had a relationship in years because of her wishes, and it felt uncomfortable for me to take on that role when I barely knew her now.
She said she was sorry. I told her I wasn't interested. She got angry and said I had to be there because and I quote "what are people gonna think when both my brother and my dad's wife aren't there? gramps (paternal grandfather) is gonna get pissed off too."
I told her she clearly didn't want me there and only cared about appearances and being on her gramps good side (he's rich). I am not coming nor am I having a relationship with her. She started crying and begging for forgiveness but it felt like crocodile tears to me.
After she left she kept texting me trying to get me to change my mind. On the day of the wedding, she texted that she was gonna leave an empty seat for me and that I was welcome anytime if I changed my mind. I still didn't go.
Rob is mad at me saying I ruined his daughter's wedding and made her cry, that all she wanted was me there and this was a chance to fix our family. Mike (who is also NC with her) is on my side.
#Verdict - NTA
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Single_Year3855/comments/10digt0/update_aita_for_skipping_my_stepdaughters_wedding/) (16 Jan 23)
**UPDATE AITA for skipping my stepdaughter's wedding?**
So I would like to clarify a few things. Sarah's relationship with Mike is NC because she couldn't accept his decision to cut Kate off. At first, Mike didn't support Sarah and Kate but I sat them both down. I told them both of them have very different relationships with Kate. Mike remembers Kate as an addict while Sarah only remembers clean Kate and both of them are entitled to their view of Kate.
Mike accepted this and was okay with Sarah/Kate but Sarah couldn't accept it. She couldn't reconcile addict Kate with clean Kate so she refused to believe Mike and downplayed a lot of this trauma. Sarah said things like "it wasn't that bad", "it was not her fault, she was sick", "she gave you life, you owe her" etc. By the time Sarah was 19, their relationship became and is NC. Kate also couldn't accept this and blamed me for Mike not wanting to talk to her.
Regarding the wedding, Sarah reached out to me 3 months before the wedding (even though they had been engaged for a year) saying she wanted to come over. We said yes and she came with her fiance, who we didn't even know existed. Apparently, they had been together for 3 years.
When I say she apologized I meant she said "I am sorry you feel that way" which to her was an apology but to me, it's not. She also referred to me as "dad's wife" as in "what would people say if my dads' wife isn't there" not even stepmom. Dad's wife. She also mentioned her paternal grandfather a lot and how angry he would be.
In the 2 months leading up to the wedding she texted me to change my mind but all she talked about was "the wedding will be ruined" "grampa will be mad" etc. Once the wedding happened she blocked me everywhere, I found out today her fiance blocked me too (even though I don't follow him, I only messaged him on Instagram because he has a public profile but I have been blocked. Same thing with Facebook even though we aren't friend on there.)
She clearly wasn't genuine in her attempts to reconcile. And even if she was it doesn't mean I am obligated to respond. She was 18 when she stopped calling me mom, 19 when she went NC with Mike and doubled down on her decision. A decision she has held on to for 6 years total. She made her choice. Just because she's young doesn't make her entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10j5djy/aita_for_skipping_my_stepdaughters_wedding/ | 10j5djy | 5,710 | 7,441 | [
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"2023-01-23T16:16:19" | OOP has cerebral palsy, someone keeps calling the cops on them | CONCLUDED | [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/yxuvmj/how_do_i_stop_my_neighbor_from_calling_the_cops/) Originally posted by u/TheAskewOne in r/legaladvice on 17 Nov 2022
**How do I stop my neighbor from calling the cops on me every time I wait at the bus stop?**
This is an issue that started two weeks ago or so. I use the bus to move around so I walk from my place to the bus stop and the other way around daily. I have cerebral palsy which causes a limp and bad balance. When I'm tired I stumble sometimes and it looks like I'm drunk, I'm aware of that. Now there's someone in the neighborhood who calls the cops every time they see me at the bus stop. In the last two weeks I was approached by the police 4 times already, they asked my if I was intoxicated, I explained, they let me go. They told me that someone had called for a man publicly intoxicated at the bus stop. Once they said intoxicated and incoherent. I never was drunk and/or bothered anyone at the bus stop or elsewhere, most of the time I'm waiting alone anyway. I suppose the caller lives in the neighborhood, sees me walking and thinks I'm drunk. I don't know who's calling. I really want it to stop, even though the officers were polite and respectful, I don't feel safe having the police called on me repeatedly. One of the officers who responded once was very insistent and didn't seem to believe me at first. They told me they have to check every time someone calls. Can anything be done?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/za49a7/update_neighbor_calling_the_cops_on_me_when_im_at/) Originally posted by u/TheAskewOne in r/legaladvice on 01 Dec 2022
**Update: neighbor calling the cops on me when I'm at the bus stop**
Brief update: as I was advised on here I ended up going to the precinct to explain what was happening. An officer said there was no record of anything, but there are problems in our neighborhood with people on drugs who have been fighting and violently harassing bystanders and that's probably why officers were dispatched every time someone called. It's nothing really new though so I'm not sure why they suddenly started caring. Anyway, they're now aware of who I am and I was told that if someone called, they'd let them know there was no problem and to go on with their day. It's been two weeks now, and the police haven't been called on me again, so hopefully the issue is solved.
**I am not the OP** | beerbellybegone | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10jg9gs/oop_has_cerebral_palsy_someone_keeps_calling_the/ | 10jg9gs | 2,437 | 12,810 | [
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"2023-01-23T17:51:53" | My(M15M) dog is sad after my parents threw away his favourite toy | CONCLUDED | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Twewkz](https://www.reddit.com/user/Twewkz/). He posted in r/dogs.
This is my first time posting here, so I hope I got the formatting correct.
Daily dog fact to prevent spoilers on mobile: There is all sorts of research about the health benefits of having a dog. Petting a dog can cause your blood pressure to drop around 10 percent.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Happy dog in the end!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/109h550/mym15m_dog_is_sad_after_my_parents_threw_away_his/)**: January 11, 2023**
They threw his plush frog toy away as ‘punishment’ after he broke a lamp. I said that the fact that he was injured by a broken piece should already be enough to teach him not to do it again, and that tossing the frog away won’t teach a thing, but they won’t listen and tossed it out anyway. When I bought him a new plush frog he doesn’t seem as interested in it. In fact, he just mopes there looking really sad. The vet said there is nothing wrong with him after treating his injury. What should I do?
**Update in post:**
I took him to a pet store and let him pick out a new toy. He showed great interest in a plush hippo so I bought him that one. We then came home and I decided to try playing fetch with it with him, like some commenters suggested. It worked! Also did the same with the new frog and he likes it now too. He is in a much better mood now and seems to like the hippo and the new frog a lot.
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dogs/comments/10c1bsu/another_update_my_dog_was_sad_after_my_parents/)**: January 14, 2023**
I got him a new hippo plush and got him to play fetch with it and the new frog. Even though my dog already got interested in the new toys after I played fetch with him using them, I decided to follow other advices too. So I walked around with the hippo and frog plushies zipped up in my jacket to mark them with my scent before returning them to him. And it worked! He likes them even more now and even carries the new frog around like he did with the old one. So thank you for those suggestions as well.
**Again, I am not the original OP.** | VinotypeChick | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10jin44/mym15m_dog_is_sad_after_my_parents_threw_away_his/ | 10jin44 | 2,145 | 7,301 | [
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"2023-01-23T18:00:02" | [32F][32F][34M] My best friend's husband confessed his feelings for me. Her life was very difficult and she says she's finally happy. How do I tell her? | ONGOING | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/farawayitthrow in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!mentions of death/abuse!<
---
[**[32F][32F][34M] My best friend's husband confessed his feelings for me. Her life was very difficult and she says she's finally happy. How do I tell her?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/102csu7/32f32f34m_my_best_friends_husband_confessed_his/) - Jan 3, 2023
Mia (32F) and I (32F) met in college and were best friends ever since. Mia was always very family-oriented and romantic, even when she was a kid. Her ultimate life dream is to have a big, happy family. Sadly, Mia had very difficult childhood - she lost her entire family (younger sister and both parents) from ages 10 to 12. She was in the system for a while until her abusive uncle took her in. Obviously, Mia was/is very mentally unwell and just a few months ago she managed to get off her meds and stopped going to therapy.
Mia and her husband Rick (34M) are together for 2 years now and married for 6 months. Imo, it was all a bit rushed but Mia was getting scared she won't be able to have children if she waited and, to be honest, Rick seemed to be her perfect match. She was aware things are going faster than she initially wanted but reassured me that her and Rick are on the same page. It's her life after all, so if she's happy, so am I. Rick and I neither love nor hate each other, he's my friend's husband so at best we "tolerate" one another. We don't have any common interests and our lifestyles/life goals are different.
Fast forward to the NYE, Mia and Rick organized a party and invited me and my partner (31M) to join. Everything seemed fine, Rick and I were chatting with some friends when I decided to go outside to breathe in some fresh air since the house was very crowded. Rick followed few minutes later, we casually talked about some irrelevant things when he suddenly says he's in love with me. I thought it's one of his stupid jokes and I was totally blindsided by it so I just laughed, joked back and hoped he will drop it. Sadly, he just doubled down and got visibly upset, started saying how he doesn't want to spend another year unhappy and how being with Mia is exhausting because of her trauma and he "deserves better than that". At this point I got very nauseous and just wanted to get away from it all so I I told him he has no idea what he's saying and we will talk once he gets his shit together.
Mia and Rick are trying for a baby so I obviously have to tell her ASAP. The thing is - I have no idea how to do that. How do you approach a person to tell her the best part of her life is a lie? How do you address something like this with a person who spent vast majority of her life on anti-depressants and being suicidal? I don't even know if she'll believe me. I also don't want to lose her as a friend but I can't watch her be all happy and giddy about him when I know he doesn't even fucking respect her. There are times I think to just ignore it all and never mention it but I know that isn't right.
Tldr: my best friend lost her entire family, was abused by her uncle, and struggled with mental health since she was a kid. Her husband she's very much in love with confessed his feelings for me few days ago and I don't know how to tell her without causing her more pain.
---
[**[UPDATE][32F][32F][34M] My best friend's husband confessed his feelings for me. Her life was very difficult and she says she's finally happy. How do I tell her?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/107om21/update32f32f34m_my_best_friends_husband_confessed/) - Jan 9, 2023
Since some of you asked for an update:
Shortly after I posted, Rick called to apologize for his behavior. He said he never meant for it to come out but that he's very unhappy with his marriage and now he sees no escape with the baby on the way. He then said he would never be this confused about his feelings if Mia didn't have feelings for my boyfriend on which they have been trying to work for a while now but he's so exhausted from it all that he just wants to end it. He said he's confused about his feelings for me but also he wanted to hurt her so she can see what she's putting him through and how painful it is to be in love with somebody who's a constant in their lives. Basically, he tried to spin this entire thing on Mia's trauma. I told him if he's so unhappy with his choices, he can just leave without vicious lies and he that didn't have any reason to put me or my bf in the middle of this. He just said he didn't mean for it to happen and we ended the call on that.
I went to Mia afterwards and told her about Rick's confession. Obviously, she was heartbroken about this but seemed to accept it at the face value. I then told her what Rick said in his call since I thought she deserves to know that he's making up stuff behind her back. That's when she broke down and said she had no idea how it happened, she would never act on it anyways, and that Rick was never supposed to tell me about it but that's something between them that they are so close to resolving. She said she saw how my partner treats me and my kid and how that's something she desperately wants but it just so unlucky. Call me selfish but if we were friends as I believed we were I would expect her to come forward with this, trauma related or not. It isn't just between Rick and Mia, it involves other people now that were unwillingly put into this entire situation. She spent one-on-one time with my partner so many times and she never felt bad enough to tell me? Or at least to attempt to stay away from him and give me some fake reason for it?
I know she needs support now but I can't do this. I simply can't and won't and if I'm an asshole for it, then so be it. I'm fine a stupid crush, we're all only humans, and especially with her history I would 100% understand and help her out if she came to me about it. Lying and the betrayal that went on for years on the other hand I simply cannot forgive that easily, especially after everything we've been through and things she knows I've been through. I told her I need some space, she tried calling me after I left but I'm too tired to talk to her at all and can't see myself doing so anytime soon.
---
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | Stepoo | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10jiuoa/32f32f34m_my_best_friends_husband_confessed_his/ | 10jiuoa | 6,346 | 8,158 | [
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"2023-01-23T18:08:32" | OOP catches GF having relations w/his dad. | INCONCLUSIVE | #This is a repost sub. I'm not OP!
**TW: >!cheating/infidelity, unexpected pregnancy!<
On Dec 19 2022 07:16:42 GMT -0500 u/Own_Introduction7923 [posted this](https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zpq1c7/i_just_caught_my_gf_in_bed_with_my_dad/) or /r/offmychest. It was later [posted again to their profile](https://old.reddit.com/user/Own_Introduction7923/comments/1017drm/i_just_caught_my_gf_having_sex_with_my_dad/) two weeks later, on Jan 02 2023 03:19:09 GMT -0500. All the update posts were also made (/r/offmychest and to their profile) on that same day.
I’m on mobile so I apologise for the formatting. Throwaway for privacy reasons.
So to start I M(22) have been with my soon to be ex gf Kate (fake name) F(21) for just shy of 3 years. Our relationship throughout the 3 years has been amazing. She had always been kind and supportive and very open and honest with me. We had dates often, our love making life was great, we had very few arguments but when we did get into a disagreement we managed to communicate and come to an understanding before long. I believed our relationship to be healthy and loving but apparently I was wrong. Onto the story.
About a week ago, I had started to notice that Kate was becoming very touchy about me being on or around her phone, this was odd to me because not only had she always let me use her phone to make calls if mine was flat or I didn’t have immediate access to mine but she had also downloaded games for me to play on her phone so she could distract me when she wanted to watch her shows. Kate began snapping at me for asking to borrow her phone or snatching it out of my hand if i was so much as moving it away from the edge of the counter so it wouldn’t fall and whenever I questioned her behaviour she brushed it off and explained she was “just in a bad mood” her constant dismissal of my noticeable confusion began to annoy me so I asked her if she was hiding anything from me which lead to an argument about her saying I was accusing her of infidelity and not trusting her and began trying to get physical with me in which case i shut the argument down and told her to sleep in the guest bedroom. She was very angry about it but I told her we would talk about it in the morning.
When we did talk about it she apologised for her behaviour and gave me her phone, I told her I trusted her and I didn’t need to go through it and to be frank I did trust her and I believed her outburst to be due to the ongoing stress at work which was clearly stupid of me.
The next day I noticed she had gotten a missed from my father. I had never known my father to like Kate or even have her contact at that, in fact I was convinced they both disliked each other. At any and every family event they would often argue or make snarky remarks at one another until we would have to leave due to the tense atmosphere they had created, so I decided to ask Kate why my father had called her, she physically froze and mumbled an excuse about it being my birthday soon and he had planned something but my father and I were never very close so I didn’t understand why he would but I played it off and decided to go about my day.
Then the following night I had texted her explaining that I had a late shift and I would be back around 10pm latest (which I did) we ended up being dismissed early due to an incident regarding our manager and a few staff and so I was heading home by 7pm I tried calling her but she had her phone off so I assumed it had gone flat or she had turned it off (which she does often at home) when I made it home I noticed my fathers car two houses down from ours and so I tried calling him but his phone was also turned off which I found odd because my mother likes his phone to be on so she can call him when she needs him (she’s handicapped)
I assumed my mother was with him so I opened the door quietly to surprise her as I haven’t seen her in a while and I was met with the sight of my girlfriend bent over the kitchen counter with my father behind her. They both froze and started profusely yelling and telling me it wasn’t what it looked like and that they could explain but I shut and locked the door from the outside (deadbolt) and made my way to a friends house.
Since then they’ve both been blowing up my phone apologising and begging me not to say anything to anyone and quite frankly I’m just disgusted. Disgusted in my father who is turning 60 next month and has my mother to take care of and disgusted in Kate who was getting railed by my father for who knows how long. I honestly just want to throw up and set them both on fire, but i’m most worried about how my mother will take this situation as she’s very dependent on my father and adores him.
How should I go about this? I don’t need closure or to confront them, I don’t want to know how their gross relationship started or how long it’s been going on for. I just need advice on how to approach the situation without causing a bigger mess than there is. Any advice is welcome. Thankyou for reading.
TLDR: I caught my 60 y/o father banging my gf on my kitchen counter and I don’t know how to handle the situation without blowing it up.
**UPDATE: I just caught my gf having s*x with my dad.** Posted Jan 02 2023 03:30:06 GMT -0500 https://old.reddit.com/user/Own_Introduction7923/comments/1017ea1/update_i_just_caught_my_gf_having_sex_with_my_dad/
Hey Guys, I apologise for not updating you all sooner a lot has happened since my last post but a big thanks to those who messaged and commented with advice and kind words.
Small Update Summary: For those who didn’t see my small update.
As per someone’s advice I asked my mother to lunch and after some small talk, informed her of the situation, she was understandably upset and in denial about the situation as my father had spoken to her prior about me still holding a grudge (a story for another time) and that I would be likely to come up with a lie to turn her against him for “revenge” but after showing her the messages they had sent afterward she was distraught and visibly angry about the ordeal. I then asked her If she would be comfortable with me sending an email to our relevant family members and Kate’s parents and siblings and while she was a little reluctant about it she had said she didn’t want the backlash from his family for leaving him.
I then did just that, I sent an email explaining the situation and that my mother and I would be going NC with both Kate and my father and LC with anyone who gave either of us any grief for our decision. Now she is staying with her older sister while I’m with a close mate until we can figure out a stable living situation for us both.
Now onto the actual update.
After the email was sent there was radio silence for a day or two before both my mother and I were bombarded with a mix of messages that i’ll just summarise in small paragraphs.
Kate’s parents were evidently enraged that I “accuse[d] [their] daughter of such a thing” and that they would be suing me for defamation on their daughters behalf I then took the liberty of sending them the screenshots from both Kate’s and my fathers messages and they left me on seen for a couple days before replying to me and informing me that while they wouldn’t sue me they would appreciate if I kept the situation under wraps.
My father was the first to message my mother, attempting to convince her that I staged the messages and that I was being petty and lying, and when she wouldn’t believe him he accused her of cheating on him and trying to find a way out of their marriage (which evidently isn’t possible for my mother as she has trouble getting from place to place on her own) he then apologised and told her he was just frustrated and asked to see her and when she declined he again accused her of cheating and staying with her lover while “abandoning him”
My maternal grandparents and paternal grandparents had very different messages and not in the way I thought they would. My paternal grandparents apologised for his behaviour and told my mother that if she needed support in the future they were available and informed her they would be disowning and going NC with my father.
My maternal grandparents however despite being the people that raised her told her that due to her injury and not being able to fulfil “[her] husbands needs” it was only right of him to look elsewhere for fulfilment and while they understood that it was “wrong because it was [my partner]” Kate was available for him and my mother should forgive him and move on. They also made a point to state that my mother needs my father more than he needs her.
Kates two older sisters reached out and thanked me for telling them and informed us that if we (my mother and i) needed any assistance in the future in regards to my mothers health (as one is an elderly caretaker and the other is a physiotherapist) that they were willing to help.
These aren’t all the messages but they’re the relevant ones. I’ll make a part 2 so this post doesn’t get too long.
Edit for clarity: In the small update above when I state “Now” I mean at the time that I had commented the update. Not right now.
**PT 2 UPDATE: I just caught my gf having s*x with my dad.** Posted 02 Jan 2023 03:21:03 GMT -0500
Continuation of my previous update.
My mother and I gave ourselves a few days to get through all the messages and phone calls and blocked my maternal grandparents as well as my father (my mother didn’t already have him blocked)
I contacted my landlord and realestate agent and informed them briefly of the situation, and I was no longer living on the premises and that I would like to have my name taken off the lease, luckily our lease was being renewed in that coming week and the next day they contacted Kate to inform her that I had taken my name off the lease for the following month and in the next week if she was unable to take on my portion of rent she would have 3 months to vacate the property.
I don’t know how she reacted but I could tell it wasn’t overly ecstatic as her parents contacted me and asked if despite everything I would be willing to pay for her rent “just for his month because she doesn’t have the money for it at the moment” Obviously I declined and told them that I no longer have anything to do with her anymore. They then informed me she was pregnant with my child and “needed assistance from the father of her baby” and “this would be a last goodbye” I then laughed and told them I most definitely wasn’t the father of that baby if she was pregnant and if she needed assistance from her baby daddy to contact my father, then I hung up and blocked them.
On a brighter note my mother and I have just put a down payment on a house together and are looking into hiring a caregiver to help my mother for when I have work or trips out of state. My father has attempted to call both of us from multiple phone numbers and had numerous family members try to persuade my mother into meeting up with him to chat, and as a result my mother and I have gotten a new phone numbers to avoid his mess.
I also happened to hear from a mate that Kate is trying to hire a lawyer so she can get child support money from me but apparently because she has no proof I’m the father and refuses to take a DNA test of the baby she hasn’t had any luck.
Edit 1: I forgot to mention it above as I didn’t see it as important when writing this, but Kate is apparently 5 weeks pregnant. We haven’t been intimate for just under two months, so the baby is unlikely to be mine. If it is, I will pay child support but I want proof before I pay her money for a baby that may or may not be mine.
Edit 2: Just to clarify, Kate and I weren’t having issues during the time we weren’t intimate, I was too tired to initiate due to work commitments and at the time I assumed she was as well but it’s likely her needs were met by either my father or other parties.
Edit 3: Something else I forgot to mention, Yes I did get an test for STI’s and UTI’s and any sort of infections I may not be aware of and all tests came back negative so I’m in the clear in that sense. | swantoes | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10jj2qr/oop_catches_gf_having_relations_whis_dad/ | 10jj2qr | 12,140 | 8,916 | [
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"2023-01-24T05:04:38" | AITA for refusing to give up my dog for my dad’s fiancée and her son? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/throwaway\_1849573](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_1849573/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I added some paragraph spacing for readability.
Since this post is about dogs, today's fun fact to cover up spoilers is about dogs. While there are many facts I could share, the one that piqued my interest today was that apparently dachshunds were originally bred to fight badgers.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Dog is ok!!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/znirqb/aita_for_refusing_to_give_up_my_dog_for_my_dads/)**: December 16, 2022**
I’m really upset about this right now. I’m 17F. My parents divorced when I was 12. It was really rough, they pretty much hate each other and still have trouble doing anything together where I’m concerned. I try not to talk about them to each other and just keep things separate.
All the fighting and chaos was hard on me and was effecting my mood and school work when it was all going down, so my dad felt bad and let me have a dog to help me feel better. Someone nearby had malamute puppies, so I picked out one and his name is Tycho and he’s my best friend. Even on the weeks I’m with my mom I stop by after school every day to take him to the dog park to play and get his cuddles in. I love this dog.
My dad started dating Melanie a few years ago. I don’t really connect with her, we’re just really different and she’s way too touchy, but she makes my dad happy so whatever. Her son Ben (9M) is autistic and needs a lot of accommodations, he gets really upset and has meltdowns when things change or are done differently. He’s also really scared of Tycho even though as far as I know Tycho has never done anything to scare him, he’s a really laid back and well behaved dog.
Dad and Melanie recently got engaged and they want to go ahead and move her and Ben in so that they can get rid of their apartment and save money. My dad told me about it and said that since Ben is afraid of Tycho and needs a stable environment at home, Tycho is going to have to go somewhere else. My mom’s townhouse doesn’t have room for him and my grandparents aren’t in good enough health to look after a big dog, so we would have to rehome him.
I admit I didn’t take it very well and we had a big fight. I told him that no way was I going to give up my dog and I’m going to college next year anyway so they can put off the move until the spring when I can find a place to take him with me. My dad says they need to do the move over the holidays and Ben is more important than a dog. I told him if he gives away my dog I’ll never forgive him and that he obviously thinks Ben is more important than me, too.
My dad is mad because I’m making this a choice between me and his fiancée basically, Melanie is having second thoughts about the engagement since I “don’t want to live with them”, my mom is mad at my dad and they’re fighting again, and I’m afraid to leave Tycho alone because he might not be there when I get back. My aunt says I’m being childish and my dad deserves to be happy.
AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Why do they need to move over the holidays?*
"I think it’s something to do with her lease or something, I don’t know. Maybe also having time to move. My dad just said that it would be a lot more trouble and expense to wait."
*Could grandparents foster the dog for a few month until she gets her own place?*
"I’m going to talk to my grandparents again this afternoon I think. I’m so afraid my dad is just going to take Tycho while I’m at school so I might just grab him and take him to my mom’s for a couple of days until I can figure something out. She doesn’t have a yard and the place is too small for a big dog longterm. Maybe if I can move in with the grands I can help them out with chores the property and keep my dog with me, they have plenty of room. My dad won’t like that, though, and I’m guessing there’s going to be another lawyer show down if I do that."
*How long have you had Tycho, and are you an astronomy or expanse nerd?*
"5 years."
"Astronomy, after Tycho Brahe. I’m a space nerd."
*Can you move in with your grandparents?*
\*"\*I’m going to see if they would be willing, they could probably use the help anyway, but my dad is going to throw a fit and I don’t want him to make things hard on them either. I’m going to talk to them this afternoon after school."
*Why would your dad throw a fit?*
"They’ve been fighting over custody stuff since the divorce, and my dad is super strict about time. He won’t want me to move totally out, but I’ll have to if Tycho goes to my mom’s or grandparents to take care of him. I guess my mom “wins” if that happens."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update 1 (Same Post): Approximately December 17, 2022** (Using wayback machine)
I talked to my mom and grandparents after school. I brought Tycho to my mom’s place this afternoon and I’m going to to take him to my grandparents tomorrow. I’m going to split time between them and my mom for awhile and my grandparents said that if I go to college nearby I can live with them while I study to make sure I don’t lose my dog. So I’m going to look at maybe doing two years at a local college and then transferring to a university later.
I haven’t told my dad yet, but I will after I get Tycho settled tomorrow, I already went online and made sure his chip information is up to date with all my info and my mom’s as backup. Pretty sure all hell is going to break loose but honestly, I’d do almost anything to not lose my dog including just not going to college right now if that’s what I have to do. He takes care of me so I have to take care of him.
​
**Update 2 (Same Post): Between December 18-24, 2022** (The wayback machine didn't capture it and unddit only shows the last update.)
It’s been a rough few days, my dad flipped his shit when I told him I wasn’t coming back to his place and he and my mom are duking it out right now. My mom’s lawyer asked me a bunch of questions and then said not to worry about it. Melanie called to find out what was going on so I told her that if living with her and Ben means I lose my dog I’m just not going to live there anymore and she tried to talk me out of it because my dad didn’t want to lose me, but I told her that’s just how it is. I think they’re fighting now, too.
My grandparents said my dad is being totally unreasonable and he’s not allowed to come on their property. Gonna be a fun Christmas, I’m just going to stay at my grandparents and try to keep my head down until I go back to school. But Tycho seems to like it here, he has a lot more space to run around and still gets to sleep next to my bed, so he’s happy at least.
​
**Final Update (Same Post): January 17, 2023**
Ok, last update. So, Melanie broke it off with my dad. My dad didn’t talk to me for awhile, but he finally asked to have lunch so my grandpa went with me because he wanted to make sure I was safe and my dad didn’t yell at me. My dad apologized for trying to make me give up Tycho and wants me to come back home. I told him I would come visit but I’m still afraid he’ll take my dog.
Living with my grandparents has also been really nice, it’s quiet, they appreciate me helping out with the farm, and my grandma is teaching me how to cook. He wasn’t happy, but he said he understood and we worked out a plan for me to visit for dinner a few days on the weeks that used to be his weeks and I’m dropping by to see my mom most days on her weeks, but spending most of my time with my grandparents.
I got a scholarship to the local branch of the state university and it’s only an hour and some away and has the degree program I want, so I think I’m going to go there for at least the first two years. I’m going to talk to admissions about getting a waiver from living on campus since I’m helping my grandparents. Both my parents are going to chip in on an allowance for me and Tycho while I’m in school, my mom says my grandparents can relax more and are feeling better with me there (also they love Tycho being around now too) so it’s the best option for everyone and I’ll be able to budget for vet visits and everything. My dad is still mad at my mom and Melanie, but he doesn’t want me to miss out on college and he seems to be more himself after the first week of visits.
Thank you all for the advice. I’m so relieved this has worked out, I’ve had hella anxiety over Christmas about all of this, but I get to keep Tycho, things are mending with my dad, and I’m on track for college. | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10jxqn6/aita_for_refusing_to_give_up_my_dog_for_my_dads/ | 10jxqn6 | 8,543 | 11,758 | [
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"2023-01-24T15:55:33" | OP's Ex-Husband's Girlfriend Wants Her To Leave Her Home So She Can Move In (AITA Oct 7, '22) | CONCLUDED | Originally posted by u/lowstakes_orisit in r/AmItheAsshole
June 28, '22, updated Oct 7, '22.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vn1q5b/wibta_if_i_told_my_exhusband_my_concerns_about/)
*Deleted and recovered*
My ex-husband and I are in our early 40s and late 30s and have been divorced for almost 3 years now. While he did not want to get divorced, we separated and have been co-parenting our two pre-teens amicably. He lives within 5 blocks of our old home and while we have 50/50 custody, our kids freely bounce between our places and choose how they want to spend holidays. We've tried hard to create a sense of stability despite the change in our family situation and have standing 'tune up' therapy twice a year to make sure we're all comfortable with the arrangements.
His recent partner Maria (29F) has been the only one to make past the 6 month mark and prior to this encounter I would say that she makes him happy and is a pretty reasonable lady! She has a very sweet and precocious son (9) that we all adore and generally I thought things were going well.
I invited Maria to bring her son to my place if she would like him to join my kids in private language classes, she accepted and this has been going on for a few weeks now, my kids adore him. Last week she said something to me that was surprising, she asked me when I would be moving my things out so that my ex and her could be able to co-habitat. I was taken aback and confused asking her to clarify "my current home, this home?" And she nonchalantly told me "You don't need all this space for 3 people. We wouldn't have space at ex's current condo." Her son looked so awful and embarrassed at this point, that I was like "Uhh, this conversation would need to include my ex."
My kids and I live in a brownstone that my ex and I purchased together 50/50, but that I have been renovating since before the divorce. My ex lives in a nice condo that's spacious but is still a little bit of a man cave. Later in the evening I got a text message from her son that was pleading for me to forgive his mom, that he's sorry for his mom and to not tell my ex.
I feel awful, but I think I should let my ex know this conversation occurred and let him handle it. WIBTA if I told my ex-husband my concerns about his GF?
EDIT: I'm the single owner of the house. My ex insisted throughout the divorce that I keep it. We do co-own his condo though haha.
*In the comments:*
Before our divorce, we owned both properties outright. Our divorce was very amicable - He INSISTED I keep the brownstone.
After the divorce, I had my lawyer help me transfer the brownstone deed and my ex signed the documents. He just never did that with the condo. I asked him a few times, and the answers always been hand wavy. I'm his ex-wife, not going to continue nagging him on something he's dragging his feet on.
The awkward conversation happened in person. I shut it down cause her son was there and I could tell understood the situation and felt uncomfortable. He texted me afterwards from his own phone.
He's a special kid in the best way, very mature and advanced for his age.
The thing is I don't think it's been discussed between them at all. I think she may have just assumed?
When we separated, he insisted that I keep house and that I didn't need to buy him out. The house belonging to me is ironclad, I just got nervous and blurted out that we'd discuss it cause her son was there.
[Update 3 months later](https://www.reddit.com/user/lowstakes_orisit/comments/xxqwuv/update_i_told_my_exhusband_my_concerns_about_his/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I procrastinated bring up what Maria said and basically told myself assume best intentions/awkward curiosity. My thought process was that it's my home and she'll have to cart me outta here on the back of a hearse. I admit I was also nervous about raining on his happiness, and did not want to be perceived as a bitter ex.
The kids had a grand time at camp and a month or so ago later we had family dinner with both sets of grandparents. My ex brought Maria and it started out great, everyone welcomed Maria and her son. Maria was helping me finish up dessert in the kitchen and I was patting myself on the back for the Goop level blended family dynamic when she made an off the cuff comment about how she'd host parties here. Ex came in with the kids, overheard and asked "oh did Lowstakes offer for you to host?" Maria's son just burst into tears and started apologizing...
It was genuinely one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Long story short, the entire family has learned that Ex had a vasectomy after divorce and is not looking to re-marry anytime soon. Afterwards I talked to him about the previous interaction along with showing him the text messages. They're no longer together.
I am worried about Maria's son although I recognize it's not my place. Unsure what I can do there.
\*Edit\* Some people asked why I laughed "haha" at the end of my edit that I owned half his condo. It was mainly out of uncomfortable irony. Ex is extremely driven and brilliant in his career but disorganized in life.
*Note from your reposter: OOP kinda glossed over the confrontation between the ex and Maria. Some people are confused about why Maria thought the house was too big for OOP's 3 people but not too big for her own 3 people and the way things played out when the ex found out. This is my take. Maria already planning to move into that house with MORE than 3 people because she was already planning all the kids they were going to have. Without ever discussing it with him. That's why she thought they'd need a bigger house and what brought the vasectomy up during the confrontation.* | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10k8mt8/ops_exhusbands_girlfriend_wants_her_to_leave_her/ | 10k8mt8 | 5,831 | 16,846 | [
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"2023-01-25T01:30:58" | Carmax called me tonight asking I return the bank draft and pickup the car they bought from me. Won't tell me why. What do I do? | INCONCLUSIVE | ***I am not the original poster****. OOP is* [*u/ChicagoThrowaway422*](https://www.reddit.com/user/ChicagoThrowaway422/)*, posting in* r/askcarsales*. (Thanks for permission to post!) Image descriptions, in square brackets, were provided by me.*
Fun fact to hide the spoilers: Did you know there are blond raccoons? I saw one in person once, took my breath away. Also, their name in Nahuatl, *mapachitli*, means "the one who takes everything in its hands," and the German *waschbär* means "washing bear!"
Trigger warnings: No major triggers
Mood spoiler: >!CarMax basically wins after jerking him around and not explaining shit, but he comes out no worse for wear financially.!<
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
# Xpost: Carmax called me tonight asking I return the bank draft and pickup the car they bought from me. Won't tell me why. What do I do?
[*December 21, 2021*](https://www.reddit.com/r/askcarsales/comments/rlgycx/xpost_carmax_called_me_tonight_asking_i_return/)
Originally posted in [r/personalfinance](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/) but the comments there suggest this is more of a legal issue, and now posting here on the advice of a bunch of commenters. I don't need legal advice, but I would greatly appreciate it if anyone here has insight into why this would be happening and if there are ways to work with the dealership to keep the deal on track. Thanks, ACS.
Link then full original text (modified the thank you). Please let me know if I violated any rules and I'll modify my post. I understand nothing written here constitutes legal advice.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/rl1n3v/carmax_called_me_tonight_asking_me_to_return_the)
[r/legaladvice post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/rl61cx/xpost_carmax_called_me_tonight_asking_i_return/)
Text:
I sold my car to CarMax today and the process went smoothly. It took a couple hours, but overall I was impressed. It's a car I bought new in 2018 and due to covid has low miles. They appraised it on-site for an hour and have me the price they quoted through their website. I was chuffed.
Leaving the dealership I get this text message from an unknown number:
>CarMax maintains the right to determine which customers it will conduct business with and, based on information in our systems, CarMax has elected to not do business with you. I don't know the exact reason, but it could be related to a prior interaction with CarMax or information you have provided. This decision is final and is applicable at all CarMax locations.
I thought it was spam so I didn't respond, but I called carmax to tell them about this, thinking someone was using their info to scam people. The customer relations person was confused and said it was weird and gave me the corporate number and asked that I report it to them so they're aware.
I gave up after sitting on hold, thinking I'd call back tomorrow.
That's when the store called me directly and the manager asked that I bring back the bank draft immediately and they would give me the car. They said that corporate demanded it and they had zero information as to why. I was extremely skeptical and asked for common reasons why this could happen and he gave me nothing. He seemed nervous and asked me to call back tonight with a time I could come back or he would follow up tomorrow.
I read the signed contract and the breach clause states they can demand to cancel a transaction if I misrepresented something at some point, which I haven't.
I have nearly perfect credit, the loan is current, the car is in excellent condition (and they appraised it themselves) and we have a signed contract. My wife is on the loan and she signed everything right next to me. We didn't lie whatsoever.
I called CarMax corporate and the nice customer service lady couldn't reach anyone at corporate (it's 6pm) so she's going to call the location GM and call me back by 7.
I called the loan holder and they saw the loan payoff request from CarMax at 1:49pm today and confirmed the payoff amount the CarMax told me.
I've also called my aunt, a lawyer, and told her the situation and I'll see what she says.
But right now, I'm not doing squat. Unless they tell me how I was in breach of contract, I'm considering it valid. My only worry is that they won't pay off the loan (I already deposited the bank draft).
All I can assume is that they didn't like the deal after the fact. They have an identical car (all options, color and mileage) listed on their lot for only $998 more than they paid to us, implying they're oy making $998 on the car they just bought from me.
Either that or it's a case of mistaken identity?
But seriously, has anyone ever heard of this before? What options do I have???
Thanks, LA, maybe you can help me here more.
Edit: corporate customer service just called back and told me that the information provide (i. e., none) was accurate and they want to unwind the deal, citing that they have the right to choose who they do business with.
I told them that until the can show me how I breached the contract, I'm going to consider it valid and not do anything. She said she'll let legal know.
No idea wtf their problem is. It's not like a car company has never lost money before. I can't imagine there's any other reason for this B. S.
Edit for [r/LA](https://www.reddit.com/r/LA/): One addition, I read the contract closely and there is no arbitration or cool off period, but it states CarMax can cancel the deal at any time for any reason. The problem I have is that they haven't specified which clause they're using to cancel the deal nor have they provided any reason. So like, what gives?
Edit2:
Here's the first half of Breach and Liability:
Any breach of this agreement, including but not limited to, any untrue, false, fraudulent, incomplete, incorrect or misleading representation or warranty made by you in this Agreemement, may, at CarMax's option, result in the cancelation of this Agreement. Carmax reserves the right to to cancel the sale at its sole option for any reason. If we cancel this sale, any draft tendered to you (or trade-in credit given) for the Vehicle may be voided at our sole discretion without notice to you and you will immediately return any voucher, monies, or trade-in credit given in a manner and time prescribed by CarMax. If the sale is canceled following our payoff jf the lines in Line 2 (payoff amount, which is correct), you are responsible for refunding that amount to CarMax.
If you applied this the proceeds from this sale to the purchase of another vehicle from CarMax and this sale is canceled, you shall be solely liable for the affected portion of your down payment or trade-in credit for that other vehicle.
It goes on to list three things should I do : 1, lie, 2 breach, or 3, a law is violated, I indemnify CarMax for any liability and lay their attorney fees. This section is long so I didn't write it out. Let me know if it's helpful tho.
The last paragraph states that if the car is wanted by the authorities, CarMax can hand it over and it's my responsibility to pay CarMax back for the lost value.
MORNING EDIT:
They changed their online quote tool as of this morning. Yesterday I ran the quote tool and it gave me the same quote they've given me since November, and I refreshed the quote at least twice during that time. It peaked at $21,200, but I decided to sell when it went back down to $21,000 even. Here's a screen shot of the tool yesterday, after the sale went through, confirming that their online tool still showed this value and that they didn't overpay me according to their own website:
[https://imgur.com/a/FNAOtsx](https://imgur.com/a/FNAOtsx)
\[*Image description: A screenshot of the CarMax website, showing that the Kelly Blue Book Trade-in Range is $21,188 to $23,387.*\]
And here it is this morning after running the tool with identical options:
[https://imgur.com/a/yoFSHqo](https://imgur.com/a/yoFSHqo)
\[*Image description: A screenshot of the CarMax website, saying "We'd like to see your Mazda (blocked out).*\]
Now, the tool works by inputting your license plate or VIN, so there's a chance that my particular vehicle is flagged now that it's in their system. But if not, then this implies to me that the market for this car is changing and they want to unwind my sale because they think they could lose money on it. I think at this point they're the ones flirting with fraud here.
Also, my Aunt called back at 7:15am (jfc) and is all excited about this. Her husband is a process server and neither of them have ever heard of anything like this, so they clearly think this is fun. It's probably not a good sign when you get lawyers excited to dig into what you're doing. Anyway, I sent over a copy of the contract for them to read, and they've advised me that doing nothing is the right path forward and to tell them that I've contacted my attorneys if CarMax tries to reach out again. They're befuddled why CarMax won't give an explanation to me at all and think that's the biggest red flag. If CarMax doesn't pay off the loan, I get the privilege of suing them.
I'll keep updating as things progress.
Mid-morning edit: check just fully cleared and deposited. AFAIK, a bank draft is super hard to reverse, so I don't think they can claw this back without my cooperation.
Early afternoon edit: nothing new really. CarMax has not contacted me again even though the manager who called me yesterday said that they would follow up today. I've talked with my loan owner twice now to request documentation of the payoff amount and I've started recording everything. I'm now just running down the checklist of stuff I'm being told to do, and I'm not going to list all of it here (though I'll tell more if/when things resolve), but I'll keep giving major updates.
I didn't sign an NDA with CarMax, so I don't see any issues openly discussing what's going on. I've been honest in my side of the deal and am representing myself and intentions accurately. I've considered just caving and selling to Carvana, but I have no idea what CarMax has done to the vehicle now and don't want to find out. This is so stupid and it's easiest for all parties if they just honor the deal and take the car. It's a good car!
Afternoon edit:
The local branch just called me back again asking when I'm coming in. I asked for more info and they still gave me nothing. I asked why this typically happens and the guy said usually due to past dealings with CarMax, which I've never done, if that's the reason here. He also said that they've stopped payment on the bank draft, so now that'll be clawed back at some point. CarMax is now not honoring a signed contract after the fact. I'm waiting for a call back from my lawyers.
This is my first interaction with this company. What an impression.
MORNING UPDATE 12.22.21 (day 3).
I'm caving and going to get my car. After CarMax pulled back the bank draft, my lawyer said this is getting too ugly and best bet is to just cave in. Otherwise, as some Redditors have stated, this could be a drawn out legal battle for months, and while I'm 100% in the right here, CarMax is using financial muscle to bully me into reversing a contract that they signed. I'm right, but they have leverage, and right now that leverage is to not pay off the loan on the car and claw back the bank draft. If I had $50,000 lying around in cash I'd happily fight this, but I don't and this isn't worth the risk anymore. I would need to liquidate some things I'd rather not to get me through a legal battle over $22,000.
Which is insane. It is obviously way easier to just pay me and my loan company, so there is something seriously wrong here. I've never done business with CarMax before, and this is the only car I've ever purchased new or ever tried to sell (all of my other cars were used and died in my custody, the poor bastards).
All I can assume is that CarMax thinks I'm someone else and they aren't giving me any way to correct it or even understand what's going on. They also clearly see me as a big enough risk to breach their own contracts and open themselves up to a lawsuit. This is $21,000 to me, but to them I guess I look like an unquantifiable liability, which would be worth lots of money to them to keep me away. I wonder how much money they lose every year by completely overreacting to threats that don't actually exist?
Anyway, I'll be filing a complaint with the attorney general later today with my lawyer, and if I can't sell the car for the same value I'll be taking CarMax to small claims court for the difference. Maybe at that point I'll learn why they think I'm a terrorist or something.
Now I have more immediate worries. I'm heading back to the CarMax location and have no idea what to expect. Ideally they give me the keys and we're done. But if they demand I return the money, I have a problem because if they've already initiated a clawback on that money, they'll double-dip and take $22,000 from me and who the fuck knows if they'll make that right. Highly doubtful given that they want nothing to do with me. So I'd be totally fucked and need to sue them in big claims court. Next, if they try to make me sign anything, I'm to immediately leave and call my lawyer. If they put me in a situation where I need to sign ANOTHER agreement with CarMax to get my car back, it will be extortion and I'll be signing under duress or leaving and continuing to fight (this time as a criminal offense, not civil).
So even though I'm caving in, I'm still super fucking nervous and stressed out about what arbitrary bullshit this company is going to pull on me next.
And that's not even considering what harm they may have done to my car in the 48 hours they've had it. I will ask for a copy of the appraisal they did and the original copy of the power of attorney for my vehicle. I do not trust this company and feel like I need to document every single thing. I'll probably take it straight to Mazda for a full condition report.
Goddamn this. I'm so burned out over this crap.
I'll let y'all know how it goes. I hope it's a super boring update and my life can go back to normal, but I'm sure you'd all hate that. :)
Evening update 12.22.21 (Day 3)
Well it's all over. I picked up the car this morning. We stopped at our bank first and asked their advice about the bank draft. They said to absolutely not write a check and just wait for the stop payment to go through so that the amount wouldn't be deducted twice. We then went to CarMax.
Where I just totally malfunctioned. I was so angry at this point that when the desk person asked how they could help us I said that CarMax was committing fraud and trying to reverse a valid contract so he should contact the branch manager because he's expecting me.
That got him on the radio pretty quick and a manager walked over and took me to the business office, where they then made us wait in the same fucking chairs we sat in for two hours when selling the damn car.
Really?
Anyway, the business office manager who had been calling me came out and honestly couldn't be nicer. To my surprise, he was comfortable talking about what happened openly in front of everyone else waiting, and they all perked up and started listening.
He apologized and said he had no information, just that it needed to be unwound. We told him about what our bank said and he said that was totally fine and to let the stop payment do its thing. He did ask us to sign something that said the sale never happened, and bless my wife because she kept her cool and said,
"OK, but we'll need to see the form first because our attorney advised us not to sign anything without talking to her first, so that part may take a few minutes.". Well put, hun. Proud of her for that. She also banned me from talking anymore, which was a good call TBH.
Anyway, I also asked for copies of everything, and he got those while we waited for the car to pull around.
As some people said, it was clearly not touched at all and in the exact same condition as we dropped it off. They hadn't even washed it yet. The seat was adjusted, but that was it.
The manager himself put the plates back on it, but when time came he said they wouldn't ask us to sign anything afterall and gave us the keys and that was it. Having an attorney makes a real difference, even when they don't actually do anything.
I looked over the car inside and out, under the hood and underneath. I hadn't fully detailed it so there was dust in a lot of places which is a good thing because disturbed dirt and dust is the easiest sign of someone working on anything in or around the car, and it hadn't been touched. The mileage was identical, the underside was untouched and there was no damage to anything. It drove normally.
So this part of the story is over with. I called CarMax corporate on the way home to try to understand what happened and see if I can get answers I want to know what list I'm on, if they'll even tell me, and see if I can clear it up. My business with them is over permanently though. I'll be filing a complaint with my AG tomorrow (Aunt got called to babysit her niece today, the downside of a free family lawyer), and I'll take CarMax to small claims court if I have to sell it for less than the CarMax offer. Having a judgment against them for this bullshit is at least one thing I can get out of it.
CarMax clearly doesn't consider itself bound by their own contracts. Rules for thee, not for me seems to be their MO. I'll never go near them again. Unless something drastic happens, this will be my last update. I'll make a new post for the small claims stuff since that wont happen for a while yet while I sort the rest of this out.
And lastly, for kickers, everything else has gone wrong this week on top of this. The dishwasher finally gave up the ghost and the catalytic converter was stolen out from under our Ford while it was parked on the street.
I'm not shitting you all, when I got in it yesterday to run an errand, it was super loud. They cut the exhaust pipes and did it right in front of a police camera. Total insanity. So on top of all of this CarMax bullshit yesterday, I had to file a police report and start and insurance claim. We take the Ford to the shop tomorrow for that work to begin.
This has been the worst Christmas vacation I've ever had.
But thank you to everyone commenting here. The first time I laughed in more than a day was when I read a comment wondering which sub this would end up in next. I really needed that chuckle, so Thank you.
Oh and btw, most of you give terrible, terrible advice, so I'm glad I had a lawyer through all of this. But what you all did do was provide moral support and solidarity though a seriously awful, stressful thing, and I appreciate all of you for it.
Best of luck to you all, and beware which car dealership you use.
\*\*\*\*\*\*
*Once again, I am not OOP.* | TheComment | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10kmg1s/carmax_called_me_tonight_asking_i_return_the_bank/ | 10kmg1s | 18,961 | 7,430 | [
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"2023-01-25T09:15:51" | (New Update) OOP parents pulled her out of dance because it's causing dad to "stumble in his walk with god" | NEW UPDATE | I am not OP; that would be u/throwrathem22
TW: >!Sexual abuse !<
Mood: >!Still frustrating and unfortunate for both sisters, but OOP is now 17 and closer to moving out hopefully!<
OOP was 15 when she made her first post, and she is now 17-years-old. This is her 4th update, and I want to thank u/rogueShadow13 for picking up her previous update. Her first post in r/atheism was one of the biggest in 2021 with over 2,000 comments, and it also trended at the top of r/ relationship advice along with the first update too. I received permission to post her original and subsequent updates here, and she said she appreciated the advice/support she read/received from these r/BestofRedditorUpdates posts, and she sometimes reads it for encouragement when she's feeling down. Thanks to many who reached out, she has received advice that will hopefully help her soon be able to move out from under her parents. If you read the previous updates, scroll to the very bottom for the newest update from January 18th, 2023
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/o83xp1/myf15_parents_are_pulling_me_out_of_dance_because/): June 26th, 2021
My parents and I were talking about my sweet-sixteen plans for the past couple of weeks leading up to what happened, but it wasn't about dance in the beginning. My parents aren't vaccinated and they don't believe in getting flu shots either, and they also didn't believe that covid was real when it happened. My parents are very religious, and while our church moved to online services in the beginning of last year, they went back to in-person services that were open-air within a few weeks, but people didn't seem to socially distance afterwards despite the chairs being separated from other people
Why do I bring that up? Because my parents would bring up my sweet-sixteen and how I wouldn't have one if I wanted to get vaccinated despite how many times I told them it was unrelated, but they said they didn't care because it was "their money" and that "they didn't have to do anything for me" in throwing me a party because it was a "privilege", along with how getting vaccinated "wasn't putting our trust in God" and how the virus was just a "tool that Democrats used against the 45th", and we argued a lot about how my party had nothing to do with their beliefs, but they kept holding it over me until they eventually said I wouldn't have one, but they've been angry with me ever since I voiced my opinion, and them taking me out of dance is the latest thing they've done
Every so often, they will sit me and my sister down for a talk on a quarterly basis to talk about whatever regarding the family, and I really hate these talks because it's just them telling us their opinions and things like that, along with new rules that they'll sometimes have. However, in their last talk, they talked to me without my sister and told me that my current semester in dance and gymnastics will be my last one, and they pointed to what they taught me about purity as to why
Mom said that women are supposed to be "honorable to God and themselves with their bodies" by not showing too much and stuff like that, and in the past, she's been really controlling with what we wear. No shorts or two-piece bathing suits when we go to the beach or pool, but in regards to the conversation, dad said that he "felt led" to address dance and gymnastics, and that "as I grew nearer to adulthood", I needed to start thinking differently too. And when I asked him what he meant, he said that he felt "challenged" being in the gym environment in his walk with God, and that he felt God telling him to address it. But I told him that that has nothing to do with me, but he kept pointing to purity and how mom agreed with him too and said it was a "big thing" for him to address it, but it has nothing to do with me, and they've been treating me like crap ever since I told them that I want to get vaccinated and wear a mask... something that they've refused to do and still do, and I'm now losing dance right after my party, but they just won't listen to me. I told dad that mom can drive me or one of my friends, and I even told my grandma about it who talked to them about it, but dad yelled at me for "going behind his back" and for being "disrespectful" by going to his mom, and I just feel like I'm losing more privileges the older I get, and I don't know what to do to make them stop. Is there anything I can do to at least let them have me continue dance, since I can't talk to anyone else because I'll just get yelled at again
[First Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/oj1xzw/update_myf15_parents_are_pulling_me_out_of_dance/): July 12th, 2021
When I talked to them again, they said that they would help me keep some of my friends if I was respectful and that it's a privilege and that they don't have to drive me. But when they bought up how I was wrong to tell grandma, mom said that we should "build each other up" as Christians and not the opposite by talking about people, and she said that we're "supposed to help each other in their walk", but after they said that, they gave me some other options
Dad said that he wanted me to still play sports and try something else, but that I couldn't do dance or gymnastics or swimming or cheerleading, and mom said the verse about not conforming to the world and that "the world tries to tell you to show too much", but we are supposed to be different because of God, and dad said that he turns away from commercials that are like that too, but I've seen him not turn on many commercials too. When I asked mom what that had to do with me, she said that the uniforms I wore in dance were inappropriate and that I should be "thankful" that they let me do it at all, but dad said that's why he doesn't watch olympic gymnastics either, but I told him again that it has nothing to do with me
Since our first talk, dad has not been back to the studio, but he still won't let me continue after classes end. He also doesn't want me talking to grandma either, and mom has not allowed me to go over to her anymore. I haven't told my coach yet, but I plan to before classes end, and I don't think I'm going to tell my friends since I might still be allowed to hang out with them. But if they find out that I told anyone else, mom said I would get punished because they "already told me once" after talking to grandma, and as someone commented in my first post, a coach might have to tell, and I don't want to get punished after they already said I would. Is there anyone I can tell who doesn't have to tell them but can still help me? My sister does dance too, but they're not making her stop, and I think it's because she's younger, but I hate it so much and how I'm the only one who gets punished... not that she should, but it's just not fair. I'm going to tell my coach, but I don't want to be punished and I want to ask if there's anyone who doesn't have to tell them, since if I tell my doctor, they may tell my parents because they're paying for it, and I don't know if they have to tell them
[Second Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/ovyb72/last_update_myf15_parents_are_pulling_me_out_of/): August 1st, 2021
Since my last update, I talked to my coach, and I also had a chance to think about everything more. Before I get to her, I want to talk about dad and what I now think of the whole situation. When dad talked to me, mom said he was doing a "big thing", but he hasn't done anything to work on himself, and I want to explain what I mean. When mom took my sister to gym without him, he stayed home and watched TV, and he hasn't seen a therapist or anyone in church about it; he said that no one outside our family should know about it. As part of "working on himself", he said that he wouldn't watch olympic gymnastics/swimming this year, and he wouldn't go to the gym for 2 weeks while he's "fasting". But as of right now, he's been back at the gym, which is why I decided to talk to my coach
When dad first talked to me, I didn't know what "challenged" meant, but after our follow-up talk about how I can't do sports that require a similar uniform to gymnastics, it made more sense, and I want to explain why. If dad was feeling challenged by one of my classmates or instructors, he would've let me continue gymnastics and just move to a different gym, but because he didn't want "me" doing dance or swimming or gymnastics because of the uniforms, I began to think that it was me who challenged him, and that is what I talked to my coach about too. I didn't want to think it was me, and I kept telling myself that it wasn't in my mind, but if it was a friend or a teacher, we'd just switch gyms. But because he didn't want me doing gymnastics or swimming or dance anymore... it wasn't a gym thing, and I didn't want to believe it. He could've had mom drive me permanently if he was feeling "challenged" and always stay home, but even me getting dressed at home could "challenge" him, and that made me scared about something else
Given how dad isn't watching olympic gymnastics/swimming, I began to feel uncomfortable with him having sports pictures of me through the years, and now that his 2-weeks of fasting at home is done, he's back at the same gym watching my sister's practices, and that also made me believe that it had everything to do with me. I hate writing that, and it makes me feel horrible when I think about it at home. I don't want him having pictures if he sees me like that, and I don't want him at the gym for my sister either, and my coach said that she would talk to the head coach about it, and I could barely make it through that practice because I couldn't get it off of my mind. I'm scared that dad gets off to me with old pictures, and grandma also told others in the family about whatever she and dad talked about, and dad's mad at me because now it's "a thing" in extended family. He's been to one practice since his 2-week fast, and my coach said that she would have a follow-up with me at my next class, but she also told me that she may have to talk to them or authorities after talking to our head coach, and we're going to talk again at our next practice
That's basically it; dad is upset that the family knows, but he hasn't told me anything about calls or anything else, and I don't think I'll know until I see them for the holidays. I don't know what will happen when I talk to my coach again, but she agreed that dad shouldn't be at the gym, and she said that the head coach might talk to my parents before our follow-up, if they weren't talked to already when dad went to my sister's practice for the first time since his fast. Dad's been really upset with the family stuff, and I wouldn't be surprised if he got talked-to by the head coach and didn't tell me yet, but he said that we're going to talk again soon, and I wanted to write this because I'm afraid that I'll lose privileges or maybe my phone, and talking here has been really helpful when I can't talk to grandma or anyone else, and I don't want to lose that. That's why I wrote this now because I don't know what privileges I'll lose. I should delete this, but I don't want to because I have no one else to really talk to. I thought about showing them, but that'll definitely make things worse. I know I'm probably getting punished, but I want to ask if there's anything I can do before that happens, before we talk again about extended family now knowing, and most definitely if/when the head coach talks to them too. Is there anything I can do to just let this die down? I don't even care about gymnastics anymore; I just don't feel comfortable around him anymore, and I'm also afraid that the same will happen with my sister if it hasn't happened already. Is there anything I can do or plan to do after we talk and after I get maybe punished?
[Third Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/pp0owt/final_update_myf15_parents_are_pulling_me_out_of/): September 15, 2021
When I made my first post about three months ago, my sweet sixteen party was one of the main points, but in the aftermath of everything that's happened with gymnastics, I really couldn't care less about it and was rather glad that it didn't happen, given all the extra baggage that came with the party surrounding the vaccine and their religious views on it. However, as of writing this, I am now 16. There was no party, and I honestly don't mind. My mind has been on other things, and I told my parents that I didn't want to celebrate either, since I'd be losing my friends from gymnastics, and as punishment, they wouldn't be allowed to come because I told grandma. However, the main reason why dad wanted to talk to me last time, was because grandma told his family what I told her, and now more people knew about it too. Dad said he received calls from other people about it too, and that made him want to talk to me again, since he said that it could "ruin his job" too
When I made my last post, many people encouraged me to call my grandma and inform her about how I was punished for reaching out to her, and a few even encouraged me to ask her to help me call CPS too. I waited until my parents went to sleep to call her because they have a habit of standing outside my door if they hear me talking on the phone recently, but because of the time that they went to bed when I called her, it was almost midnight and I couldn't get through to her. I called her numerous times, but I just couldn't get through. I didn't feel comfortable calling CPS on my own, and I didn't want to explain it by myself without talking to anyone, but I was able to call my aunt (on my dad's side), and talk to her. I didn't want to have to tell her the entire thing from the beginning, but she said she already knew because grandma had told her, but she didn't know about how I was punished for telling her and that I was scared about our call tomorrow. I also told her how I had to hide that I was talking to her, but when I mentioned CPS and wanting her help to call them, she told me that grandma told dad that she would call CPS if he followed through on removing me from gymnastics, but that she wasn't sure if she actually called them or not. I assume that that was probably a part of what they were arguing about, but auntie said that she's not sure if grandma would actually call on him despite wanting to or thinking she could convince him. So, auntie said that she would call them for me because I didn't want to talk to them, and I was afraid of my parents hearing me and coming down to ask who I was talking to
When my parents talked to me the next day, they talked about grandma and some things I didn't know. Mom said that someone in dad's family messaged one of her relatives who called her about it, so now someone on her side of the family knows too. And despite the issue with me telling grandma already being handled weeks ago, they were upset that more people besides grandma knew and said that it was stressful for them. When I asked if I was going to get punished for it, dad said that I wasn't going to finish the rest of my class, but in regards to my phone, he didn't take it away from me. When I asked him about my friends and when I could see them again, he said that that "wasn't important" right now and that my sister won't be going back to her classes either, but he didn't say whether or not one of the coaches talked to them or anything, and I don't know as of right now. Mom also said that her parents were pretty upset when they talked to her, but because of the stress, dad would be taking some time away from work and staying with his brother to work out some things, but he didn't tell me specifics or for how long. Mom said it'd be temporary and that he would still be here some of the time, and she also said that her parents might try to visit her as well although she told them that she doesn't want them over. However, as of writing this, dad has been home a little bit here and there, but he's also spent time at his brother's and sometimes overnight, which is why it's been slightly peaceful at times
I'm not sure when CPS called them, but the day after we talked, mom told me that she received a call from CPS, and dad thought that I had called or told someone else. I told him that I didn't and that I didn't know who called, but he didn't seem to believe me, although he hasn't bothered me much about it since. However, mom has been talking on the phone about it at home, and when I was able to talk to my aunt again, she said that she might've been getting advice or something. But since they called, mom has been upset ever since dad started going over to his brother's. She'll get on me for small things, and I feel like she's just taking out her frustration on me whenever she can, usually yelling and just not talking to me sometimes. My sister, on the other hand, hasn't talked to me much either since she got pulled out of gym, and I think she's holding it against me that she was removed. She's given me short answers and has avoided me some, and while it's been quieter for a little bit without dad, mom said that he'll be coming back soon permanently, and I'm afraid that things will go back to the way they were when he does
After mom told me about the CPS call, I told my aunt about it, and she suggested calling CPS on my own since my phone wasn't taken away and in case she missed anything. She also said it'd be better to call before a potential visit in case my parents don't let them in or try to tell me not to say anything. I didn't want to call without her, but she was right when she said suggested that mom might not let them in because that is what she did. However, nothing has happened even after I called or they visited, or at least nothing that I'm aware of. I've talked to my aunt about trying to stay with her closer to when dad returns, but as I'm back in school now, I'm considering talking to a teacher, since I couldn't a few weeks ago when school was out. But I feel like there's a lot they're not telling me, and I don't know if there's anything they can or will actually do, since dad hasn't done anything besides say a lot of things, and he's never touched me or anything like that. He's also allowing me to do sports, but not the three ones that I mentioned, and because he hasn't done anything, I don't know what to do from here. Mom's upset at me, and my sister is upset at me too. My dad is really stressed, and I'm having a hard time focusing on school too. I'm sorry for this being so long, but I just want to ask if it's worth it to call them again, since I'm afraid that because it's all verbal, they won't do anything unless I'm just not aware of them of them working on it
[Fourth Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrathem22/comments/ust8a9/8_months_later_myf16_parents_are_pulling_me_out/): May 18th, 2022
I really don't feel like retyping my last 3 updates, so I'll just leave a link to it ([https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/pp0plt/final\_update\_myf15\_parents\_are\_pulling\_me\_out\_of/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/pp0plt/final_update_myf15_parents_are_pulling_me_out_of/)). I didn't plan to make any more posts, but something happened recently that's been annoying after I found some peace. It's been a few months, and I talked to a teacher about what happened and she said that she would have to report it as part of her job, but nothing really happened despite my aunt saying that they might call CPS as she did. But besides that, nothing much has happened besides talking to my teacher from time to time as things had quieted down until recently. My younger sister has been allowed to go to her practices after dad took a 2-week fasting break from attending (along with telling me that I couldn't do it at my age anymore) so that he could "work on himself", but not seek therapy at all. He just stayed home and didn't even talk to a church therapist and said he wasn't watching the olympic gymnastics as "fasting", and then in 2-weeks, he was back at the gym again. However, this post is not about that
A few people suggested trying to keep up my skills by practicing at home, and I began to do that after my parents went to bed downstairs in the garage where we have some space, and I'm always downstairs after they go to bed and had been doing this for a few weeks. However, my mom came downstairs randomly and saw me practicing when she went to get laundry from the boiler room. I had headphones on and wasn't bothering anyone, but mom said I'm "not allowed downstairs after she goes to bed", and when I asked her why, she said that I was being "disobedient" and that when dad said stop, he meant stop gymnastics entirely and "not going behind his back". I told her that I could try to practice in my room although it was a little small, but she made the new rule, and I can't stand it. Even when I go down to get a drink, she'll hear my footsteps on the stairs and get up to come down and tell me to go back up (a few times), and I haven't been able to practice in over a week after finding a way to do it for the past few (we have a mini-beam in the garage too).
She also told dad who yelled at me about it, but I'm at the point of just about being done with gymnastics (again) after the nonsense with the gym. Mom has even put up a camera in the living room that goes to her phone after we talked, and that is what made me want to write this. Yes, I could try to practice outside or at a park, but I'm just tired of all of it and want to ask how to deal with the camera. My aunt has talked to my parents a few times, but they got into an argument and they don't want me talking to her. I also told my teacher who said that she'd report it, but nothing has happened and I'm just tired, and I regret trying to practice in the garage because mom said that the camera isn't leaving and that I'll get punished if I do anything to it. But, she never said anything about not practicing at home until that one night when she made that rule. I'm sorry if I'm posting way too much, but if I can get the camera removed (apologizing didn't work), I'll just lay low... although mom pulled that rule out of her behind as if I was supposed to magically guess it
[Fifth Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/10ffr0o/now_17yo_myf17_parents_are_pulling_me_out_of/): January 18th, 2023 **(New Update)**
I'm 17 now, and a lot of people who reached out really helped a lot mentally on previous posts. Parents recently talked to me about college and explained how dad's fasting has become a "testimony" which makes no sense
One of the main reasons I came back to this was because a lot of people reached out in my other posts, and I can't stress how helpful it's been. I talked to my aunt and my teacher at school as mentioned in my previous post. Auntie said she called CPS, and my teacher said she was required to report on it too. But as I said in my last post, nothing came from it. A lot of people said to call CPS myself too, but others said it wouldn't do anything because dad hadn't done anything to make CPS get involved. I also didn't want to call at my home because they could overhear me, so I called with the same teacher I spoke to at school. But that was a few months back, and nothing has happened since. I told them about the fasting and bullet points from my posts, but nothing came from it. However, some of the people who commented/messaged on my posts really helped my stress, and I can't stress that enough. I was really stressed when I made my first post, but hearing others say I wasn't crazy really helped because there were so many emotions going on. Someone even messaged to ask if they could summarize my post on a subreddit that archived posts ([r/BestofRedditorUpdates](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/)) in case my parents found my account/took my phone, and revisiting some comments has honestly helped on days I've felt down
In regards to mom's cameras, she still has them up, and I haven't practiced gymnastics in months. I'm honestly done with it and don't know if I'll return. I also wanted to get a job last summer, but they said I didn't deserve it with how I was acting, and by that I mean asking dad to keep explaining why I couldn't do gymnastics along with trying to practice skills at home... only for him to make up some nonsense about how I wasn't allowed to do that too after mom caught me practicing in the garage and told him. I hope to work this summer, and it's been a few months since then. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I hope I can. The reason I'm posting today is because of a conversation we had surrounding college, and they wanted to talk to me. They said they wouldn't consider letting me go unless I showed respect, and they also talked about the gymnastics thing again when they said they didn't want me doing it in college. I talked about college a little in my previous posts, but they flip flop on "you're not going" and "we'll think about it" depending on their mood/my behavior and trying to hold it over me
Dad said he wanted to explain his fasting again because it had something to do with college gymnastics. As of right now, my sister is still in gym, and he pointed to the scripture about how we're "supposed to be in the world but not of the world" (John 17:11, 14–15) to explain why he returned to the gym after fasting. He said that God put us in a world with temptation because it allowed God to show his power through us and give us testimonies, and he said that his struggle was a testimony too... but it makes no sense because he punished me for venting to auntie way back and didn't want anyone else to know (what's a testimony that you don't tell people?). That's why he fasted and went back to the gym that was making him stumble, and he said that fasting attending for 2 weeks "gave him new strategies" for when he returned, but he didn't say what they were when I asked. When I asked why he had to go back at all, he said it was because my sister was younger and that she'd also find a new sport as she grew older and her body began to change. Mom said that the uniforms became "more" inappropriate for girls as they grew, but that they were "also" inappropriate when they were younger and making dad stumble currently. It makes no sense, and they're talking from both sides
I want to go to college and I'm considering sucking up to do so, and they've been back and fourth about letting me go and flip flop a lot. But part of me thinks it might be better to just focus on moving out as some suggested without college as soon as possible. If I do college with their money, they'll be super controlling about it. Heck, they're trying to control me not doing gymnastics in college already, but I just threw that out there because it's not likely when I'll be rusty of over two years of not practicing until I turn 18, so it's not realistic that I'd be in any shape to make a team. But that's where I'm at, just trying to focus on moving out, but I do get depressed over having to give up gymnastics for nothing I did wrong, and I want to talk to someone about it one day like a professional outside of school. It just might be awhile until I turn 18 and longer if I don't have a job before then, but talking to many who reached out here has really helped mentally, and I wanted to say thanks for that. I'm also open to any suggestions on my plans or anything else I said from an outside perspective too
*edit: What I hate the most is how dad ruined my chances at making a college gymnastics team. My coach and I were working to prepare me for it, and we did private lessons too. But when dad pulled me out, everything just stopped, and when I tried to practice in the garage, mom told dad and made up a rule. Dad said that no more gymnastics meant "no practicing at home too", but he NEVER SAID THAT until then*
*When he said no gymnastics months ago, he said I'd be "done with gymnastics at the end of the class". He never said anything about not practicing at home, and he punished me by not letting me work last summer RIGHT WHEN HE MADE THE RULE. He didn't even give me time to obey the rule; he just made it up and punished me for it minutes after making it. And by the time I turn 18, I will have been out of gymnastics for 2 years and unrealistic to make the team. He literally destroyed my chances of doing it in college*
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Comments from OOP:
*"I applied for jobs last year, but they said I wasn't allowed to work last summer after I began trying to keep some gymnastics skills by practicing in the garage. Like, mom caught me, told dad, and dad made up a rule saying that no more going to gymnastics classes meant no practicing at home too when he never said that beforehand and expected me to automatically know, then punished me and said I couldn't work. I'm trying to work this summer, but am nervous if they pull some crap like that again and don't give me my work papers/other stuff I need. I'll apply again way before this summer, and I hope to have better luck than last year. If not, then I'll work on finding a job as soon as I become 18 and applying before I turn 18 too if I can, but it might push back my college start because the priority is just getting out"*
*"Might have to delay my college start if they don't allow me to work before 18 as they did this last summer, but I'd apply for jobs before turning 18 to be ready. It just might push back college a little bit (assuming I can't get financial aid without my parents signing off or something) to get out of the home first, but it's something I want to do. I'll also look up the book too because I've wanted to talk to a professional, but have mostly been talking to my teacher"* | ThrowRA3837374 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10kulgb/new_update_oop_parents_pulled_her_out_of_dance/ | 10kulgb | 29,859 | 9,441 | [
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"2023-01-25T12:49:04" | Fiancée left me after he found out about my college days | INCONCLUSIVE | I am not OOP, OOP is [throwRA09091212](https://www.reddit.com/u/ThrowRA09091212?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
[original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fup2lj/fiancé30m_found_out_about_my28f_college_days/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) April 4, 2020
I’ve been with my fiancé for 2 years engaged for 2 months. I can go on and on about how great he is but I won’t waste your time. He’s awesome.
Him and my sisters boyfriend have gotten really close over the past year and they talk atleast twice a week whether on the phone or FaceTime or just hanging out with all 4 of us.
Sister has been with her boyfriend since high school so obviously her boyfriend knows me very well. As well as my dating history.
Last weekend bc of the quarantine we all thought it would be fun to drink and hang out over FaceTime. It was a FaceTime double date and we all had a blast. Laughing, playing drinking games, we all partied for over an hour and that’s when I was over it and decided to leave the party to call my sister directly without the boys in another room.
Wel my fiancé and her boyfriend stayed on FaceTime and continued to get drunk together. During this time (I couldn’t hear shit bc I was in another room and was talking to my sister), sisters boyfriend goes and tells a bunch of stories about my college days and how many guys I hooked up with.
Just so everyone knows...idk the actual #. My first 3 years of college was literally one giant party. Without being too descriptive...I admit I was “excessive”. But at the time it was just what we did. I was single during that time and me and my friends...did a lot. With slot of guys. Most of them I couldn’t even pick out of a lineup. But again...I WAS IN COLLEGE!
Anyways, one of the parties I went to I ended up hooking up with 4 different guys at the same time. (This is relevant later)
My fiancé is handsome as fuck and I know for a fact he’s been with several women. We talked about our past a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I wasn’t 100% honest with mine and I can only assume that he was.
After everyone hung up, me and my fiancé were laying in bed and about to sleep when he just Calmly asked me “Did you get gangbanged in college?”
My response was “wtf? Why would you ask that?”
That’s when he told me everything that my sisters bf told him. He told me details I’m not even sure are 100% true bc again...blur. But a lot of the info was accurate and so I just told him yes. It was one time. He continued asking questions about the other stuff but the “gangbang” thing kept coming up and he had ALOT of questions about it that I answered the best of my knowledge.
Fast forward to Wednesday...things had been fine and normal sun mon tue. But on Wednesday...radio silence. He hasn’t texted or talked to me in 3 days. The breaking point was tonight when he came home from work and he asked me
“Are you friends with any of the guys on Facebook?”
Again, not lying to him I admitted that yes I was friends with all of them.
He left a few hours ago and I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I’m tempted to call the cops but I feel like that will just make it worse. I feel like garbage. I fucking hate my sisters bf right now but maybe it’s not even his fault, maybe I shoulda been more honest? I’m so lost. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and I’ve never seen him like this before. Is this the end? He refuses to return my calls/texts.
_Relevant comments from OOP_
_I told him a lot of stuff that I did. I happen to leave the worst part out. Does everyone’s husband/wife know every single partner they each had???_
_Yes there was a lot of stuff. He asked about all of it and I answered everything. The only thing that he kept coming back to and asking questions about was the worst part_
[update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/g3gh5k/update_fiancé_left_me_after_he_found_out_about_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) April 18, 2020
This is the 2nd time I’m updating bc my 1st one got deleted.
He eventually came back in the middle of the night and we talked untill the morning. We both agreed that he needs to distance himself from the relationship while he figures stuff out. He admitted the only thing he cared about was the “gangbang” and he told me he couldn’t get the visual out of his head. He then told me about a 3some he had in college which I think is totally made up and he just wanted to get a rise out of me but who knows. It just sounded so unbelievable and it felt like he was trying to get back at me.
We did make love before we went to sleep but it was not. Good. And by not good I mean he felt like he was just trying to punish me once again. Everything was weird from the kissing to the ending (being vague here bc this part is probably what got my post deleted last time).
He left in the morning to go stay with his parents and I haven’t seen him since. We still text everyday but it’s different. Everything is different and at this point I’m almost positive we aren’t going to get married. And again, at this point, I’m ok with that. I know I fucked up and I know I lied and all I can do is live and learn. As soon as this quarantine ends I plan on using my work program that helps people find therapist. It’s part of my benefits and I’ve never used it before and I’m legitimately excited to start working on myself for the future, whatever may happen between me and him.
Now...to everyone who left me nice messages. I couldn’t reply to you all so I’m just saying thank you for your help and your advice. None of you know me and you are all awesome and I hope everyone nothing but the best.
To the people who left me horrible messages. Yes I read everyone of them. No, your names do not hurt me. I am not perfect and never claimed to be and I know I have a lot of work to do. But I hope all of you happiness in your perfect relationships with your perfect selves and good luck with everything.
Also, just want to point out there was some confusion about who I was friends with on Facebook. It was just the 4 guys from the “gangbang” that I was friends with, not every guy I’d ever been with. And I’ve since deleted every single one of them. Again, my fuck up. Live and learn.
_Relevant comments from OOP_
_I have over 3000 friends on Facebook. I don’t talk or interact with 99% of them. I admitted I fucked up and it’s not like I was checking their post._
_Very stupid, you’re right. If only every 19 year old girl could be so smart and always do the right thing. Thank you for your comment._
_I wasn’t staying in touch. I hardly ever check my fb. I have thousands of friends on there. I don’t even know what they are up to or what they are doing. But I admit I fucked up._
_I understand all view points here. It’s possible he is not the one. There is someone out there who won’t judge me for my past and that’s who I will find. Thank you for your comment._
_You nailed it. Back in the day you used to accept anyone and everyone as Facebook friends. Nowadays I literally go weeks without so much as even opening the app. Thank you._
_I’m not going to cut contact. We still text everyday and believe it or not, no matter if he doesn’t want to marry me he’s my best friend. I fucked up, it doesnt mean he automatically stops caring about me and I, him. Thank you though._
_I’m done lying. Whether admission or omission. I won’t be dating anyone for awhile untill I do some work on myself. Thank you for the comment._
I am not OOP | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10kxva3/fiancée_left_me_after_he_found_out_about_my/ | 10kxva3 | 7,683 | 8,442 | [
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"2023-01-26T02:57:38" | AITB for telling a woman to mind her own business after she asked me to cover up my back acne | CONCLUDED | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/bubbztea in r/AmItheButtface**
trigger warnings: >!body shame!<
mood spoilers: >!satisfying!<
---
[**AITB for telling a woman to mind her own business after she asked me to cover up my back acne at the gym?
Serious
**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/10emtqc/aitb_for_telling_a_woman_to_mind_her_own_business/) - January 10, 2023
I'm a 21F. Every Tuesday, I have a really busy schedule. My first class goes from 9am-11am, my second class goes from 3pm-5pm and my only tutorial for the day goes from 7-8pm, so I have a lot of free time in between lectures. I'll often go to the campus gym and do a full body workout.
I do my workout (weights, the machines, etc.) and I decided to go walk the track that's upstairs in the building.
I should point out here that I have bad back acne. It's kind of gross looking, but it usually doesn't stop me from not wearing my jacket unless I get cold and wearing my sports bra in the gym.
I was doing the track when this older, early 50s woman passed by me and shot me this dirty look. I figured she had a good look at my back and I just shrugged it off. I got defensive and shot back a look that said "I know I have back acne."
After a bit, we ended up meeting up at the same spot where she first stared at me and she said something along the lines of: "Honey, you should cover that up."
Despitely immediately knowing what she was talking about, I asked her what she wanted me to cover up exactly.
"Your back zits."
I firstly went into a rant at her about how acne technically should be aired out instead out in a sweaty area, if I put my sweater on, it'll make me more zits. I then ripped into her about why the fuck she was judging me on keeping my sweater off and that my acne was none of her business. I said it pretty audibly and some runners started looking at us.
She scoffed and said that millennials (I'm not even a millennial???) are so sensitive these days and that she was just trying to help me.
AITB? I feel like maybe I went off on her too much.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but I said something along the lines of;
"First of all, acne shouldn't be trapped in a sweaty area, it'll just produce more of it. Secondly, why are you telling me how to dress at the gym? My acne is none of your business and isn't bothering you."
[**AITB for telling a woman to mind her own business after she asked me to cover up my back acne UPDATE!!!!**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/comments/10fbz2r/aitb_for_telling_a_woman_to_mind_her_own_business/) - January 18, 2023
UPDATE: HOLY SHIT, I HAVE THE MOTHER OF ALL UPDATES FOR YOU!!!!
I came into the gym this morning and as I was walking into the change room, this little Indian lady looked up probably to acknowledge the person coming in, looked me up and down and said "Come here, sweetheart, come here!", wagging her finger at me.
I walked over to her and she told me that she saw the whole thing yesterday and was PISSED. She firstly went into a rant about how body acne is nothing to be ashamed of and how I should continue to work out with it out in the open because it didn't bother her. I'll admit, I felt really awkward, but I thanked her. She then turned around and showed me HER back.
She had tons of zits on her back and said that she would cover them up, but she never cared too much about people's opinions of them.
But that wasn't all!
Apparently yesterday she was in the change room and saw the Karen come in. She asked the woman to come here RIGHT NOW and yelled at her at the top of her lungs in front of the whole change room about how dare she bodyshame someone like that and how would she feel if she went off on her.
Apparently she made the Karen cry too.
She mentioned that she didn't report her to the front desk at all. She said "They wouldn't have punished her at all. They come across hundreds of people. What would they do about one woman they'd probably never see? I had to punish her."
EDIT: I'm going to elaborate what happened with the Karen. Basically after I left, the Indian lady went to the changeroom and the Karen came in. The Indian lady, full of rage, wagged her finger like she did with me and told her to COME HERE RIGHT NOW. The Karen looked at her funny and then walked over to her. The Indian lady tore into her about how dare you disrespect a young lady like that. At first, the Karen refused to admit she did anything. She kept saying she had no idea what the lady was talking about, but the Indian lady called bullshit and told her that she mocked a girl's body. The lady got loud and she got nasty. The Karen didn't know what to say! She was exposed! And get this! The whole changeroom fucking JOINED IN! Old women and young college girls were losing their god damn mind on this bitch and she started crying due to the embarassment!
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | karenmcgrane | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10lhng1/aitb_for_telling_a_woman_to_mind_her_own_business/ | 10lhng1 | 4,927 | 11,633 | [
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"2023-01-26T05:21:11" | AITA for walking out of my STEM family's New Year's party & ignoring them? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Admirable-Emu-9628](https://www.reddit.com/user/Admirable-Emu-9628/). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers: u/scatteringbones requested pandas. Pandas spend half of their day eating, and eat up to 12 kgs (26.5 lbs) of bamboo a *day.* Like other bears, pandas can swim, but unlike their counterparts, pandas do not hibernate.
**Trigger Warning:** >!Child emotional neglect/abuse!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Sad that OOP's family sucks, but I'm glad he's taking care of himself.!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10fhwoz/aita_for_walking_out_of_my_stem_familys_new_years/)**: January 18, 2023**
I (25M) am part of a large STEM family. My entire family is Ive league educated, my parents, 5 siblings, etc. They're all doctors, scientists, and mathematicians. I am the only one who isn't. Growing up I was always the black sheep, school just didn't come easy to me. They even had me tested for learning disabilities at one point. I had nothing but I just wasn't good at school.
I spent my entire childhood crying over math textbooks wondering why I don't get it? Why it's so easy for them and not for me? Art came easy, literature came easy. But to my family that was trash and not worth focusing on. It didn't help that they kept sending me to the same academic schools my siblings went to, those schools were brutal, the competition there was fierce, and kids were literally snorting Adderall to get through exam week.
That environment didn't help. Things didn't improve until I moved out at 18, and got a job at a tattoo parlor. I was able to get an art degree, I started writing, going to therapy, and got a boyfriend. My life just got better because, for the first time, I could just be me. My family couldn’t accept this, and contact with them became less and less.
Every time I meet them they never make an effort to talk to me about the things I like, they just talk among themselves about STEM subjects I don't understand. I try to engage with them but the things they discuss I just don't know. Whenever I ask questions they get annoyed because now they have to dumb things down for the family idiot.
The only time they talk to me is to discuss my failure in life. Mostly I just sit there quietly. That's how my whole life has been with them. Recently I got a publishing deal for my fantasy novel. I was super excited to tell my family at their New Year's party. The first thing they did was ask what kind of novel was it, when I said fantasy they awkwardly laughed and changed the topic to my cousin's PDH thesis. This was my biggest achievement and they shat on it.
I told them they were being rude, and that they'd treated me like crap my whole life. They snapped back to stop making a scene, that I had been a difficult child and to be understanding. I really lost it then. I screamed that I was never a difficult child, I never drank, sneaked out, stole, did drugs, or got into a fight. I just wasn't into science, which isn't a big deal at all. So what if I wasn't good at school? Any other family would have been glad to have. I left after that.
Since then they’ve been trying to contact me. To be fair they do seem very apologetic but I’ve been ignoring them. My dad’s last text said I’m being childish and I need to talk to them. A part of me feels bad because I ruined New Year's and a lot of my family's colleagues were there too and they witnessed it, which was probably humiliating for them. They work in really prestigious, competitive fields and I humiliated them. AITA?
Edit: Thanks a lot for the support. I fell asleep after posting this so I didn't get to reply to everyone. I talked to my dad and asked him to meet me. He said we can meet later today or tomorrow. I'll update you after that.
**Update in** [Comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10fhwoz/aita_for_walking_out_of_my_stem_familys_new_years/j51vtqd/?context=3)**: January 19, 2023 (Same thing is posted on OOP's profile** [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/Admirable-Emu-9628/comments/10gcgtf/update_aita_for_walking_out_of_my_stem_familys/)**)**
Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for the replies. I posted this before going to bed, so I wasn't able to reply. When I woke up this morning after reading through everything, I decided to text my dad and ask him if we could meet. To my surprise, he said yes, that we could meet today even.
I was more surprised when I showed up to all 6 of my siblings there. I asked them how they all managed to get time off last minute as they all have busy jobs. My sister said not to worry about it. They shuffled some things around. Everybody looked pretty upset. I hate awkward silence, so I started off. I said sorry for exploding during the party. It wasn't the place or the time to air out dirty laundry. I know I embarrassed everyone and ruined New Year's Eve, but I wasn't sorry about the things I said. Just where and when I said them. My brother asked why I exploded like that and how long I felt that way.
I told them I had had enough, I started writing my book at 19, and after years of rejection, I got a publisher. Did he have any idea how big a deal that was? Did he think everybody got published? And they just laughed at me and moved on. Like I was an embarrassment. They said sorry and that they didn't mean it. I didn't know what to say, so there was a more awkward silence after that. I just drank my coke till Dad spoke.
He said that he didn't mean to make me feel bad, just that he didn't read fantasy books. I snapped and said, "So what?" I don't like string theory, but I still ask him about it. I don't like the Eilenberg–Ganea conjecture, but I still listen when he talks about it. I ask questions, and I care. What would it cost him to ask about my novel? I'm so sick and tired of being treated like the village idiot all the time.
Mom said they don't treat me like that. I told her they do. They've treated me like the problem child my whole life. She said it wasn't easy raising me. I started yelling at this point. I'm not proud of it, I'm not usually a person who yells, but I just couldn't take it. I asked her what did I do that was so bad. Did I drink? Do drugs? Steal? Cheat? Sneak out? Lie? Fight? Or even fail a test? What did I do that was so bad other than being a below-average student?
Everyone got quiet after that. I could see my mom knew she was exposed, that there was nothing she could say to defend herself. Then my sister stepped in. She said it wasn't easy with my mental health issues. She's referring to the fact that I self-harmed pretty regularly from 6th grade to 12th. I told her she had the fucking nerve. (Remember how in my post I mentioned kids snorting Adderall during exam week? She was one of them.)
They're the reason I self-harmed because they made me feel like shit just because I wasn't good at math. Either way, I wasn't a problem child because I self-harmed, I was a child who needed help and love. Neither of which they gave me. And if we wanted to talk about problem kids then we should talk about her drug addiction because I wasn't the kid that had to go to rehab.
She started crying and I didn't even care. Dad told me to calm down, but I didn't want to. I told him I was done. From this day onwards they were dead to me and I to them. They said I couldn't do that. That they were family. I said I already had a family, one that loved me for who I am. Dad said that we could try family therapy and that we could work on things.I asked him why? What did I gain from this? He's nothing more than a sperm donor and the reason for my trauma. Even if we go to therapy it won't make what happened to me go away. I already had a loving and caring family. I didn't need them. Dad started crying at this point. I told them all not to contact me anymore. Not for funerals and not for weddings. My eldest brother asked if I might change my mind one day. I told him probably not. I already have a complete life filled with people who love me. With that, I got up. Dad asked for a hug so I gave him one. Then everybody else wanted a hug, too so I did. And I left.
I'm done. I know I should feel bad but I don't. I just don't see anything for me to gain. Every time I'm with them I remember being that kid, looking around the table seeing everybody talking, and feeling like an outsider because I don't know enough to join in. I remember all the nights of them trying to tutor me and ending up screaming at me "Why don't you get it?". I remember the disappointment of every report card. And then I think about my real family. And the love they give me. I don't need them. I needed them before but not now.
Thank you to everyone who wants to read my book. I've thought long and hard, and I've decided not to post my real name here. My books are something I built out of the ashes of my childhood. I don't want it attached to them in any way. I know logically it might not make sense, but it's how I feel. This book is my future and I don't want it attached to my past.
I've also seen some comments questioning my post. Because my family is in STEM, it means they must be the D&D, LoTR kind of nerds. Well, not all STEM folks are like that. The closest I could describe them would be elitist/snobby kind of nerds. They view fantasy as a lesser form of art. For them, the classics are much more distinguished. And poetry. That's the closest I can describe them. Think Leonard's mom from the big bang theory.
**OOP, I think you're awesome. Best of luck with your book and with life moving forward.** | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10lkd7m/aita_for_walking_out_of_my_stem_familys_new_years/ | 10lkd7m | 9,619 | 8,653 | [
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"2023-01-26T12:19:52" | My husband said something weird to my sister | INCONCLUSIVE | I am not The OOP, OOP is [throwRARedRetw](https://www.reddit.com/u/ThrowRARedRetw?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
[original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ydg66c/35f_my_husband_37m_said_something_weird_to_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Oct 25, 2022
My husband and I have been married for two years now and things are not perfect. We're both type A personalities with six-figure jobs and very big egos. We both really like to win and when we disagree it can be very difficult to resolve. We are trying to be better and we do love each other deeply. Neither one of us wants a divorce and we want things to work, we get each other like nobody else does.
My husband and sister are very close. When she found out we were getting married she was overjoyed. They text each other frequently and are always very happy to see each other.
We recently took a family trip to a beach house. My siblings were there, their spouses, my parents, my nieces and nephews, and me and my husband.
I was tired so after dinner I decided to lay down. I woke up, it was late, and my husband wasn't in bed. I walked out of the room and saw my sister and husband on the couch. She had her feet in his lap, and they were talking softly. I know I shouldn't have but I hung back to see if I could hear anything.
My sister asked a question that I couldn't really hear but seemed to be struggling to phrase. My husband said, "Yes. The answer is yes. And yes, the answer is no."
She replied, "I know."
I went back in our room at that point and I've been reeling ever since. I'm worried about what they were saying but I'm scared to say I was eavesdropping. I never saw them that close before, and it seemed like crossing a line.
Do I tell him not to talk to her anymore? Do I ask her what was said?
I feel like no matter what I do I look crazy. .
Edit: 'What' not 'Scat' though it seems an awful lot like scat.
_Relevant comments from OOP_
_zabbagail commented_
>"Do I think about you romantically? Yes." "Can we act on it? No." I'm sorry but this would be the first place I went in my head
_OOP responds_
>Mine too :(
>
I don't know how I feel. This was a bombshell. I am still processing everything that's happened. I want to fix things with Derek. I don't want to make Ashley feel worse. I just want things to work.
[update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yl6fux/update_35f_my_husband_37m_said_something_weird_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Nov 3, 2022
It's been about a week since I posted. I walked in on my husband and sister in a very intimate position whispering to each other and I heard half of a conservation. My husband said the answer was yes and the answer was no.
Family dynamics. I have three siblings, Mark [38M], Lucy [34F], and Ashley [32F]. Mark is married with two daughters and a son, Lucy is married with one son, I am married with no children, and Ashley is single with no children.
In terms of relationships, I am closest to Mark and Ashley is closest to Lucy. I talked to Mark about what I'd seen and he got very angry. He told me that I needed to say something to my husband, Derek, or he would. I decided to take a chance and called up Lucy. I explained what I had seen, and she was very quiet. She told me she knew what was going on, and it's not what I think, but that I should talk to Derek and Ashley.
When Derek got home from work I told him we needed to talk and told him I had overheard them talking the other night. He nodded but didn't say anything. I told him that I needed him to be honest about the relationship between him and Ashley.
Ashley and Derek both suffer from depression. There are days I come home and find Derek laying expressionless on the couch. This was odd to me at first, and I tried to motivate him but realized that when he has a bad day like that, I just need to accept that he's not going to get off the couch or do anything until it's time to go to bed. I will put a blanket on him, make him tea, sit with him, and put something lighthearted on the TV, and he's usually better the next day.
Ashley is constantly overwhelmed, feels like she's letting everyone down, and has very bad depression spells. The first Christmas I was seeing Derek, she had one, and she was on the verge of tears all morning. Her mood improved towards the middle of the day and that's when she and Derek became good friends. She later on told me that Derek talked her through things and helped her to feel strong enough to get through the day. It was actually one of the things that made me fall in love with him, that he looked after my family and stepped up to help Ashley.
Derek explained that they had become close over the years and had really been able to lean on each other when depression struck. After I went to lay down, they hung out with Mark, Lucy, and their spouses having a few drinks together. When everyone decided to head to bed, Ashley could not find one of her AirPods. So she and Derek were crawling around on the kitchen floor looking under the cabinets, appliances, and the table and chairs to find it. They were both drunk, in close quarters, and got very giggly. They eventually found it and sat down on the couch to talk.
He claims she put her feet in his lap to be playful and they both started laughing. He admitted that he had talked to her about the fact we hadn't been intimate in six months and how he felt like I shut him out when he needed affection. She talked about how he was the only person that she ever felt safe and confortable with in her life.
She never got the question out, because he anticipated it. He said she said something along the lines of, "When we're together... do you... is there a feeling... like do you feel?" Which is when he told her the answer was yes, and then told her that the answer was no before she could say anything else.
He told he her that he loved me and wanted to work through our issues. He said that he would always love her but it would always be as a sibling.
He said that they spoke the next day when they were sober and agreed that they needed to set boundaries and not let themselves get that close with each other. He showed me his phone and that he and Ashley hadn't texted since that day. He told me that he only wanted to be her friend, but recognizes that they were both very near lines that should not and could not be crossed and they needed to cool off and redefine their friendship.
He swears that's all that happened. I want to believe him because the portion I overheard lines up with what he told me happened, and I did not tell him what I overheard. I called Lucy back, and she confirmed that this is what she heard from Ashley.
When I spoke to Ashley, she cried a lot and kept apologizing. She said she knows she crossed a line and swears on her life she would never try to take my husband from me. She promised that she wouldn't ever cross that line again and told me she loves me about a million times.
I don't really what to do now. Derek and I are talking about our intimacy issues in addition to everything else and trying to be more open about our feelings. We're going to be bringing this up in therapy and trying to figure out a way to deal with things. This really was a bombshell and while not as bad as I thought it could be, I'm really not happy with how it turned out.
_Relevant comment from OOP_
>I don't know how I feel. This was a bombshell. I am still processing everything that's happened. I want to fix things with Derek. I don't want to make Ashley feel worse. I just want things to work.
_on intimacy problems_
>We both work late and we're exhausted when we get into bed. I shower at night, he showers in the morning. One of us always feels gross at any given time. I honestly hadn't realized that it had been six months. I guess he was more aware than I was.
>
>It is an issue and one that I want to fix. Especially because it's affecting him so deeply.
>We're busy with work. He's initiated a few times and I've declined. I've been on my period, or too tired, or I just showered, or I feel sweaty and gross.
>
>We have no children. Our schedules don't lend themselves to it at the moment and it's easy to slip my mind. I'm going to be more aware going forward.
I am not The OOP | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10lqj82/my_husband_said_something_weird_to_my_sister/ | 10lqj82 | 8,495 | 7,351 | [
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"2023-01-26T15:29:45" | The Aunt Who Took In Her Abused Niece, Final Update (Jan 1, '23) | CONCLUDED | This is a NEW update to a previously posted story that began August10, '22, newest updates on Dec 15, '22, Jan 1, '23. Originally posted by u/Mano_Mama3510 in r/AmItheAsshole. OOP has indicated this will be the final update.
If you don't need to read the first parts that have already been posted to BORU, I have marked the newer ones with 🔴🔴🔴's so you can skip to them.
To avoid the coming TW if you want...
Did you know, when you foster ONE animal for your local shelter, you are helping to save TWO lives?! Fostering that one fur baby frees up a cage/kennel for another animal (or more!) at the shelter, which means one more animal off the streets and meeting families to find their forever home!
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Trigger warnings: >!child abuse, violence, domestic violence, mention of child sa, depression!<
[Original post August 10th](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wkvvyp/aita_for_not_giving_my_nephew_his_birthday_gift/)
Just bear with me for a moment.
My (29f) nephew, Josh (12m), is quite spoilt. His parents, my brother and SIL show blatant favoritism towards him over his younger sister Lou(9f). As a result, sadly Josh has grown a little entitled. He also is quite mean to his younger sister because his parents never believe her when she tells him what he's done to her stuff. Now, I'm usually very strict and when the kids are with me for a weekend, Josh is usually on his best behavior. Now, Josh's birthday was yesterday. Lou had a spelling bee last week and she got first prize. Her parents brushed it off but I was very happy for her because she spent hours learning each word and I was very proud. So when I took the kids day before Josh's birthday so he could pick out a gift for his bday, I got Lou a stuffed animal as a 'you did great!'. Josh picked this game that he's been wanting.
The birthday party was yesterday and when I went to their house, Lou had been grounded and was not allowed to attend and the two friends she had invited were also sent back home. I thought it was extreme and asked what she had done. Turns out that Josh and her argued over the tv remote and Josh went to her room and destroyed her stuffed animal that I gave her and told her she didn't deserve it. Lou screamed at him and my brother got angry with her 'temper tantrum' and had her pick up the pieces of the stuffed animal and throw them in the trash ALL THE WHILE SHE CRIED. She was then grounded.
Btw, Josh's best friend was the one who spilled the beans to me and also told me that Josh goaded his parents into the punishment. I was furious and refused to give Josh his birthday present, telling him he didn't deserve it for being mean to his sister. I also told off my SIL and brother that they're growing insanely cruel towards their young daughter.
Now my family is pissed that I refused to give Josh his birthday gift.
SO, AITA
TLDR; nephew picked on sister and I refused to give him his bday present
EDIT: I have picked up my niece from my brother's house this morning. I called him and told him if she's being so rude to her brother, then maybe she should stay with me a couple of days to clam down (had no other choice but to say this. had to get her out of there). I got her a massive teddy bear which she's keeping in my house and I took her out to get Mcdonalds so she's smiling. But I am looking for a more permanent solution
[1st Update 6 days later](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/wq6s1u/update_aita_for_not_giving_my_nephew_his_birthday/)
It's been a hell of a week. First of all, I want to say thank you for all the kind comments and messages. I've read all of them. I only managed to respond to some because I was pretty overwhelmed over the whole thing. There was a lot going on as well.
As you can tell from my other posts, I'm in the middle of switching careers, so I simply don't have the funds to support my niece. And by that, I mean no one is going to give me my niece to foster because my income is low. I'm a freelance romance writer and that doesn't really generate a lot of income. I say this because I did seek out advice from social services in my country and they just shook their head at me. But I'll get to that later.
On to the actual update, I did end up taking my niece with me for a few days and I sat her down and talked to her once she was calm. There were a lot of things that were happening in that house that I was not aware of. My nephew bullies her and my brother thinks its funny when she cries. A few months ago, my niece had an accident and fractured her left arm. I was told she slipped down the stairs. She is clumsy so I thought that was that. Turned out her brother pushed her down the stairs as a prank and my brother laughed while she was screaming in pain. I verified the story from a neighbor who told me that she ended up taking her to hospital. Her father was apparently shouting at her to stop making a racket when she wouldn't stop screaming in pain.
I lost it at that.
I asked her if her mom knew. She said yes.
Now, my childhood was pretty dark but not like this.
I called my parents and asked them about this incident and a couple others and at first they hee-hawed, we don't know, blah, blah, and then my mom admitted she knew and that it was just kids being kids.
I just saw red at that point.
This whole week I've been gathering any bit of evidence I can find. Finally, I invited over my brother and his wife. I told them that if they didn't get their shit together, I was posting everything on social media. I was going to email it to their companies, friends, whatnot (thank you to whomever suggested this). At first my brother was furious and when he tried to attack me, I pointed towards the camera I have in my living room. I was so angry that I felt like I was numb. I knew that this would destroy my relationship with my entire family but they left a little girl screaming on the bottom of the stairs and my brother laughed. I can't get that image out of my head.
I told them I could either call the social services in our country and get Lou taken from them, or they could give her to me. The problem with this threat is that if I went the social services route, I would lose Lou as well. I told them if they don't want a daughter, they can give her to me. They can pretend she never existed. I was just speaking very quickly at that point. I don't even remember what i said. I would take over her expenses, etc, except for her health insurance and school fees. I told them they would never have to look at her again. I just kept talking.
My SIL started crying of how I was taking her child from her. I admittedly got angry over that and reminded her she wanted to abort Lou when she was pregnant. I was legit angry crying at that moment. I wanted to hit them. My brother was just silent. He was actually considering it.
I told them it was better than having their dirty laundry aired in public because if it did, both kids would be removed from their house. It was blackmail but I had no options.
They said they'd think about it but Lou is with me for now. My SIL was pretty nasty about it too. in her words 'keep the little 'sl**'." All in my language ofc. I don't know how she can refer to her daughter like this but honestly i don't give a shit. My friend is a lawyer and he's told me to get a voice message from them that Lou is going to stay with me. My SIL said this over the voice note.
Lou hasn't mentioned going home. She doesn't talk about her parents. Yesterday, she and I went out and brought this lavender color paint and we painted my entire guestroom for her. I've decided to pick up more projects so that i can start saving for her. I did have some money set aside for a potential college fund for her. But I'll be picking up more work to save more and give her a comfortable life.
I did get calls from my parents, shouting at me. I closed the phone on them. the only person who is supportive is my cousin. He said that if social services do get involved, he can take Lou in and I can move closer to them or something. I don't know.
Lou is just quiet. She's happy sometimes and sometimes she's just quiet. I fear she suffered more abuse in that house than she's letting on. My lawyer friend recommended a child therapist so I've booked a session for Monday. It's been three days and no call from my brother and SIL. My parents call every now and then to yell at me but they yell at me either way so whatever. I feel like this might work because both brother and SIL saw the post I had written out as a draft with pictures and evidence. It was extreme enough that they would suffer damage at their jobs. And news channels in my country eat this shit up especially if it happens in an educated household.
I don't know. I know blackmail is wrong. But I don't know what to do.
[2nd Update August 18th](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/wrik8m/semi_update_niece/)
I have been bombarded by the most loving and sincere messages and comments and I know I can't get to all of them but I want to thank you fo reaching out. You guys have made me feel from being alone to having an entire community behind me and that is such a reassuring thought. To all those who offered to send Lou gifts and hep out with clothes etc, thank you so much. It's a very touching offer but I do want to let you know that my friends have been spoiling Lou, buying her gifts, taking her out. She's got at least ten stuffed animals alone including one massive life-sized one from me and one from my very sweet neighbor from across the hall. She loves cuddling them both and has named them Boo and Hoo. She thinks its funny as do I when she runs down the hall screaming 'Boo Hoo, lets play'/
And for those who offered to help me out with my career transition, those who sent me roadmaps and offered to tutor me themselves, or even share their learning accounts with me, God bless you! I will reach out to most of you guys if I run into hiccups but I just started crying when all of you kept reaching out. But I'm planning to do a tech degree from treehouse and do small courses and certifications alongside. But thank you all so much. I've not even gotten to all the messages yet.
About the Gofundme account I've been asked about, as much as I appreciate the offers, the thing is while I am not crazy rich, I do have some savings and will keep working to increase my income to give Lou a comfortable life. My friends have gathered around me and have given their kids clothes, toys, etc. I've not given Lou everything because I know things are changing for her right now and I want to take it slowly.
Also, my SIL's parents sent me some money yesterday and her mother visited this morning. She didn't say anything but she just stayed for an hour, asked Lou if she was happy and gave me some money. She said she would keep sending money. Lou's maternal grandfather didn't reach out but I suspect his wife might be fond of Lou. She's very sweet and non confrontational. Tbh I've never talked to her before, she's very quiet. But she asked if she could visit again, and I said, only if I was home. She was okay with that.
Lou's parents haven't reached out but Josh called this afternoon, wanting to talk to Lou. It sounded like he had been crying. I felt bad and I told him he can visit on the weekends as he always done (like I said before, he is always well behaved here). Lou and he talked on the speaker phone for quite a while and he was telling her about the baby rabbits they have or something. I was just keeping an eye on Lou. Lou didn't seem upset when she closed the phone. She's at that age when you really want to get along with your sibling. I would really prefer if I can build a better relationship between the two.
That's all that happened so far. I just wanted to make this post to thank everyone who has and is still reaching out. And I guess I want to reassure you all that things are getting better. From the way, Lou's maternal grandmother was talking, I think she's confident Lou will be staying with me. And I did tell my parents off. I told them that if they want contact with their ONLY granddaughter, they should be grateful she's in a safe environment. I also added that they should be happy that Josh now has his parents full attention. My mom shut up at the first part which makes me suspect that they were aware of other things happening in that house.
Lastly, I talked to my lawyer who set up an urgent medical examination for Lou. I don't want to get into it but nothing happened to her of any sexual nature. She has bruises here and there which have not faded but aside from the fracture in her arm, there's nothing that suggests anything untoward happening. It's A HUGE relief but Lou was all shaken up by the examination so I took her to get icecream and let her watch two disney movies back to back. She has to go back to school from Monday so I think she'll be fine.
[September 1, '22](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/x3b7x4/update_niece/)
It's been a minute.
Sorry for the sudden silence. My inbox has been overflowing and I haven't touched it in a while. Also sorry for the tiny heading which makes no sense.
God, I'm tired.
I wanted to give an update considering how many of you reached out and asked and offered help, advice and everything under the sun. All of which I'm very grateful for and probably why I'm writing this post.
So, a lot has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to begin.
Lou has been removed from my care.
I guess I should start from this point.
They took her away four days ago. Social services. She's with my cousin and she's called me crying, multiple times because she wants to come back. I wasn't allowed to accompany her because they think that I might be a danger to her (more on this later). I'm talking to another lawyer, a very good one. He reached out to me on reddit, actually, and it turns out he's a friend of a friend's and was able to deduce who i was from the posts.
I was wrong when I thought my brother would back down. And I was an idiot for thinking he would give over Lou so calmly. I'm going to try and follow a timeline. The legal process is being handled but I'm upset and I guess this is a rant post and a self pity one or something.. Because I can;t stop crying.
5 days ago - I was home with Lou. She was watching a movie and I was working when the power cut off. We have scheduled hours here when the light is shut off but that wasn't in the schedule. I wasn't worried too much. My laptop was charged and I let her watch the movie on my laptop. I didn't really realize at that point that without the electricity my security cameras don't work. Long and tedious story short, my brother had turned off the breaker. He broke in. I shoved Lou into my room and made her lock the door. He beat me up. I think he would have killed me if my neighbors hadn't heard the commotion. Her father was home and he barged over (my door was open). He got my brother off of me and my neighbor (his daughter) called the police. This is where things got messy. I was bleeding. My face is still bruised and I can't put my weight on my left leg. My brother claimed that I had kidnapped Lou and was sexually abusing her and Josh and he was here to get her back. I had evidence that they had given Lou over willingly and when it came to abuse allegations, it was Lou's word against her brother and parents. Yes, apparently Josh parroted those words. The two policemen who showed up seemed suspicious when Lou kept clinging to me, refusing to go. I don't know how I was functioning in that moment but I managed to call my lawyer who dealt with most of it. I had to be taken to the hospital.
It looks bad but I'm fine-ish. To all those who kept telling me to record conversations etc, thank you. His allegations and my SIL's words about Lou made a weak case. But it was enough for social services to get involved. They removed both Josh and Lou because I started talking. I had evidence, loads of it and I shoved it down their throats. I was still in my apartment at that point. I hadn't left for the hospital. I couldn't. Lou was crying. My lawyer was on his way. If I had gone I was scared they give Lou to my brother.
(also when I say social services, its basically an equivalent of some child care organization generally. We don't have social services per say but this is a govt agency)
I filed charges against my brother and the SS person was supposed to come day after but I had to go to the hospital. The police accompanied me and let me keep Lou by my side. I don't have any brown bones so I was discharged the next afternoon.
I would like to point out that my parents visited and tried to take Lou with them but the policeman who was with me wouldn't let them. I was also protesting.
I have to skip stuff here because I'm mentally drained right now. But the gist is that 4 days ago, I got a visit from this lady from SS who said that because of the allegations, they have to remove Lou from my care till the investigation is complete. My cousin stepped up and took her in. My parents took in Josh.
This is ongoing.
I don't know why they did this. I'm shaken beyond belief. I'm tired. I can still hear Lou crying in my ears. I don't know why. I wake up terrified at night thinking somebody is in the room. I've been sleeping with the lights on. A friend is sleeping over ever since this whole thing happened. One of my friends got me a small generator for my apartment which I can use to keep the security cameras running and the lights if the electricty is shut off.
My SIL is telling everyone that I ab**** her children. My parents have called me but I've not answered. My lawyer wants me to go in for some evaluation. My brother is in jail because I pressed charges but I heard that my parents are going to post bail.
My life feels like its gone to shit.
EDIT: Just want to say that right now I know this post sounds like 'me me me' but I feel like that right now. Lou is upset but she's safe with my cousin, his wife, and kids. She gets along with her cousins so I know she'll be in good hands.
[September 3, '22](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/x4mvsa/update_small_slightly_good/)
Update - Small (slightly good)
self.Mano_Mama3510
This is a small piece of good news. The SS lady came over this morning. She said that based on all the evidence her department has received and the interviews they have conducted from neighbors and teachers, they are confident my brother and SIL's claims are baseless. It's pretty damning evidence. The biggest factor was that they took both Lou and Josh and had a child psychologist evaluate them. They don't show signs of abuse and Josh ended up admitting what his parents had told him to say.
Both kids have now been permanently removed from my brother and SIL's care. SS lady found it disturbing like many of you how SIL referred to Lou and they are considering terminating parental rights. That's what she said. The case is still going to be investigated further but since the accusation was verbal and not a filed report, she says it should be fine. I'm now allowed to visit Lou (supervised) and I'm taking some DIY craft stuff for her and her cousins and will stay over for a night. My cousin has been really supportive throughout which makes me feel better.
I spent an hour facetiming Lou and she was happier. I set up a small shop online to sell these digital designs when she first moved in with me and she and I had been spending hours making them together. She's very artsy so I know she enjoyed it. She kept talking about her and her cousins (3 girls, her age group) have been drawing pretty designs and all three of them kept popping onto the screen.
It just showed me that having her there long term might be the best solution. My cousin has mentioned that if things go the way they are going, he and his wife might consider adopting Lou. There;s more to this but while its a good thing, talking about it makes me a little sad so I'm just not for a while. Both he and his wife gave really good reasons which make sense.
My brother lost his job which is something I didn't mention in my last post. Not just because he went to jail but because I blasted both him and SIL on social media, tagging their colleagues. That didn't go over well with my family. My parents showed up and had a lot to say. They didn't so much as ask me how I was doing physically. They kept saying I had destroyed my brothers family because I couldn't leave well enough alone. My lawyer was over at the time and he took great pleasure in kicking them out.
So, yeah, that's where things are standing right now.
I have a feeling I might never get Lou back but the family that she is with might be the best option, financially, and emotionally. I did book a meeting with a therapist today. It's going to be next week. A lot of you pointed out that I might be a little traumatized from the break in which is true. So, yeah.
I don't know much about Josh. I know none of this is his fault but a part of me resents him which isn't fair. I haven't reached out to him and I don't want to. My friends are telling me that once this whole thing is sorted, he will need someone by his side and if he stays with my parents, he'll go down the same path as my brother. I think they're suggesting I take him in when the time comes. I don't know. I don't want to. I can't forget how he told the SS that I had s* abused him. (My cousin has refused to take him in).
So, a semi good update and sad. My cousin will come pick me up in a couple of hours. I got some DIY glass paint kits for the girls and some beads and strings for bracelets.
[September 19, '22](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/xix3bo/update_niece_and_nephew/)
Update - Niece (and Nephew)
So its been a while since my last update and I was pondering over whether to make this or not but I got a lot of requests for one so here goes.
My name is cleared, legally, from every angle. Surprisingly it didn't take that much time.
I had a sit down with Josh a few days ago and by that I mean, his school is near my house and I found him in front of my apartment building when I came home from my doctor's appointment last week. I didn't want to be alone with him so I asked my neighbor and her dad to linger about and I called my lawyer. I know I keep turning to him for every sneeze but I didn't know what to do. After the accusations, I simply didn't want to be alone with him.
There was a lot of crying. I get that his entire family unit has been destroyed. He's feeling insecure in a way. He can't see his parents. For some reason, my parents have been blaming him for what happened. That pissed me off. This happened because they did a shitty job of raising their own son. Josh asked if he could stay with. me instead. Now the SS lady who is in charge of this case, wanted to keep Josh and Lou separate for some reason. My lawyer called her to tell her what was happening. She arrived at my apartment within an hour.
I have to say you hear shit about these sort of people but this lady is super sweet. She listened to Josh and then to me, privately. I expressed my concerns. However, she said that it might be better to have Josh stay here than my parents. Now that is something that has me uneasy. I told her that and she told me that if I have security cameras inside, I should get them in every room if I am worried. But the child psychologist working with Josh has said he's under too much stress. His school work is suffering. He's not sleeping well. He feels safer here, despite everything.
So now Josh is staying with me.
I'm being normal with him but I guess I kind of messed up. When he tries to get a hug or something, I move away. I found him crying day before yesterday about this. I feel like shit for it. I told him to give me time and that I do love him. He's shaken beyond anything and he used to be loud and brash and now he's none of those things. He has circles under his eyes and he's always tired and just quiet.
I'm talking to my therapist about it and he told me to let him in bit by bit. And that he faced his own sort of trauma. I've started being more physically affectionate like I used to be and that seems to make him relieved. It's just been a week so I hope he gets better. A lot of you told me to leave him be but when these two kids were born, I was there. I was very involved in their lives.
He's asked about Lou and if he can see her but when I said not yet, he seemed to understand. He drew a card for her but I'm holding on to it for now.
His psychologist says he feels guilty. There's a lot of guilty inside of him and he's not dealing with it well. I took him to the movies today. It was something he;d been waiting for for a while but he just slept through it all.
I'm worried but his psychologist tells me to give him time and love.
My parents were pissed by the way. As was my brother and SIL. I got phonecalls from all of them. SIL showed up at my house. I'm considering moving. It's just not safe. My entire family is losing their shit. I have apparently destroyed their reputation, an entire family, and etc.
Lou is good. Lou is thriving. A two parent household is good for her, like many of you said. She used to call a lot but those calls have lessened over these past two weeks. Which is good for her i guess. She's adjusting. My cousin and his wife adore her. Her cousins like having her there.
I started therapy. It's going okay.
My leg is better and my face is looking less like a child went at it with crayons.
I still have nightmares. But my focus is on Josh right now so that has me distracted.
*A note from your reposter: Seeing some questions in the comments about the timeframe. Remember they aren't in the US. OOP describes their home as a third world country. Also, it doesn't sound like this is a final, official placement. The kids have to be placed somewhere immediately where they are both physically and mentally safe. It doesn't seem odd to me that they had an immediate kinship placement.*
🔴🔴🔴🔴
*Editors note:*
Between the last post and this new one, our OP posted a few more times about changing careers and struggling with depression. You can ind those on her profile.*
[Dec 15th Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/zmkg1t/update_niece_and_nephew/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Update - Niece and Nephew
I've been getting so many messages for an update (also I'm sorry for not replying to all of them. Things have been hectic for a while)
Lou has settled in with my cousin's family quite well. Phone calls have decreased from her end but when I do check up on her, she's thriving there. I feel like I'm a reminder of her worst times and that's probably why she doesn't contact me much. I'm happy for her. It's better she be safe and happy than look back at her past which I'm a part of. Her school has been changed. My cousin and his wife have started the legal adoption process. I was trying to send her money every now and then but my cousin told me that I don't have to. She's not using her Etsy account all that much either but she gets pocket money and I got her a small mickey mouse moneybox to save money in.
As for Josh, he's going to be removed from my care soon. He's doing well with me but his therapist says that he too needs a fresh start. I have family in another city (first cousins). They have a son around Josh's age. They reached out to me and asked if they could take Josh in. They've heard of everything and I think they want to help. I've taken him to visit them twice so far. I've explained things to him so has his therapist. The thing is that I can't take custody of him in the legal sense because I'm single. I mean I can, but the legal hula hoops I have to go through are going to take time and the past might be rehashed which won't be good for him. Also, the SS lady who's been with us throughout considers this the best course of action for Josh.
Like I said, Josh has been doing better now. But with everything that happened, his school friends know about what he did and he's lost friends. Nearly all of them. When I mentioned him potentially being adopted, he asked if he would go to a new school and be able to make new friends. I think that's what he wants desperately. He's changed as well, quiet, depressed. He misses Lou but not their parents. Lou misses him as well. But the damage to both of them is of the kind that they need to recover individually first.
His therapist is adamant he not be in touch with his parents or grandparents. Or even Lou for now. From what I've been told, Josh went through a different trauma but since I'm not a legal guardian, he can't share any details with me. So, I think, in another couple of months, Josh will be gone from here as well. If it's the best decision for him, then that's what I'll do. I've been teaching him how to write letters and post them. My dad taught me when I was young and I used to love it. Josh also enjoys doing it. He's written two letters to his therapist who encouraged the idea. He promised to write me letters once he's gone. Since everything, his social media presence has been erased. For his safety.
I've been in a weird place. Things have been hard. I ended up applying to a graduate job position. A couple of them. I just wanted to leave the country now. Once Lou and Josh are settled, their therapists want to minimize my role in their lives. Anyway, I got rejected from all of the jobs. That had me down for a while. I got a cat though. Once Josh is gone as well, I don't want to be lonely. If I have something to love and care for, I think I'll be okay. My cat thinks she owns me, though.
I'm going to finish my certifications, keep applying for jobs, outside of my country as well, and inside. Maybe something will come up. It's so easy to just give up when the going gets tough. And it's so easy to not see everything I've been blessed with and focus on the negatives. I'm trying not to do that. I'm trying to be positive about the future.
My parents did reach out to me. Not to yell at me this time but just to talk. They looked older than they are and weary. My brother and SIL got a divorce or they're in the process of it. Brother was arrested when he broke into SIL's house at night. He had some 'stuff' with him. For some reason, SIL was expecting him to and she called the police, locking herself in her room. Brother's been arrested again. My parents haven't bailed him out this time. I never asked why. The whole thing is a mess. My parents asked to see Josh and I refused. I told them why. I said a lot to them. They didn't argue this time. Just listened and left.
I didn't want to be a part of this drama. I miss them because they're my parents but too much has happened. SIL has not reached for her kids even once. There's an RO against my brother and he's not allowed to approach me or the kids so I've not heard from him either.
I think Josh and Lou will soon be happy and well-settled in their lives, and more importantly, loved. All in all, for them, this is as happy of an ending as it can be, given the circumstances. I'll be fine, I guess. I'm trying to focus on my certifications and see where they take me.
I have a cat now. Just wanted to tell everyone that again. And she's really cute and vicious which makes me happy.
[Jan 1st Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mano_Mama3510/comments/100l43w/last_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Last Update
First of all, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me during this tumultuous journey. You offered love, advice, well wishes and everything from the sun to the moon and I'm grateful. I know I barely reply to messages but know that I have read all of them.
To all those who offered help (financial, job wise, listening ears) I appreciate it, but I have never been good at accepting help (something I'm still addressing in therapy). But the gestures touched me. You all made me feel like all I had to do was reach out and someone would hold my hand and that meant a freaking lot to me.
For me, writing out these things helped, venting out to all of you when I couldn't see past my own nose was helpful in a way you might not understand. It's been a terrible couple of months and my life has changed a lot. And I have this community to thank for that as well.
For the update, Lou is thriving which is great. Josh has also left. He's settling in with his new family. Both kids have my number and know I will be there for them when needed. But I'm not going to focus on my life: lose weight, try to become active, focus on my data analyst courses, focus on my writing, maybe self publish in the future, who knows.
I'm 29. I want to travel, work on myself. The children are happy or will be, hopefully. And that has me at ease.
I made this update because I know all of you have been part of this journey and sometimes some journeys need to be clearly wrapped up with a bow. Fortunately, Josh and Lou will grow to be strong and emotionally intelligent individuals. I wanted you all to know that. I won't be making any more updates for them now. I'll still be on reddit but this chapter is closed now.
I want the kids happy and I think they will be now. And maybe when they're older, they might find these posts but that is a long time coming.
So, thank you all. I appreciate all of your kindness and prayers and thoughts. You've given me more strength than you realize. | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10luffl/the_aunt_who_took_in_her_abused_niece_final/ | 10luffl | 33,882 | 10,786 | [
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"2023-01-26T19:21:26" | My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me. | ONGOING | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRA-wife-sister in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!sexual assault/harassment!<
---
[**My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10erhdn/my_37m_wifes_34f_sister_29f_tried_to_kiss_me_and/) - Jan 17, 2023
Sorry for how long this is, tl;dr at the bottom. As the title says, my wife’s sister made a pass at me at a recent family gathering and I have no idea what to do. For context, I think my wife “Jenna” is absolutely gorgeous but she has some really negative body image issues. This is in large part because of her sister “Mary” who is very conventionally attractive, as opposed to Jenna’s more unconventional but (imo) striking beauty. Mary was a successful model until a couple years ago and now works in the fashion industry. In our early days of dating when I would tell Jenna she’s beautiful, she would always say “just wait until you see my sister”. When I did finally meet her family, she would randomly press me for weeks to talk about her sister, whether I thought she was more attractive than her, etc. I always told her the truth, that I think Mary is attractive in a boring way, and that I think my wife is much more beautiful and interesting to look at. She wouldn’t let it go until I confronted her about how uncomfortable it made me and asked her what was going on. This is when she told me that she always had a chip on her shoulder about her looks because of being compared with her sister growing up. They fell into the classic “smart one/pretty one” dynamic their whole lives. She also said Mary had a habit of being flirty with all of her exes, and warned me that it would happen to me eventually. She then started sobbing and begging me to not cheat on her with her sister, to which I forcefully said I would never cheat on her with anyone, let alone her sister. I’ve been crazy about my wife since day 1 and there’s literally no woman on earth who could come close to her.
I honestly didn’t believe her about the flirting at first, I assumed it was just an extension of her insecurity, but I was wrong. Whenever we get together with my wife’s family, Mary always finds ways to touch me and make little innuendos/comments about me or my body. It’s super uncomfortable for everyone, especially my wife, and I’ve called her out on it before. She’ll cool it for a while but eventually start doing it again. It’s been six years of this, and every time it happens my wife is upset for days and I have to do a lot of reassuring.
Onto the current problem. A few days ago we were at my MIL’s birthday party, and Mary asked me to help her grab some things from the garage. As soon as we walked into the garage, she turned and pressed me up against the door with her whole body and started trying to kiss me. I immediately pushed her off and asked her what the fuck she was doing. She started giggling and saying she was just “doing what we both have been thinking” and kept insisting “you know you want to”. I told her she was out of her mind and ran out of there. I went straight to my wife and told her we were leaving. The whole ride home she was asking me what was wrong, I wasn’t sure whether to tell her because I knew how much it was going to hurt but I also thought Mary would probably try to spin it as me making a move on her so I knew I had to just say it. I told her everything and she cried the whole way home.
For the last several days Mary has been calling and texting my wife doing exactly what I thought she would do, even telling my wife that I said she (Mary) was “the hottest girl I’ve ever seen”, which I had to assure my wife a million times that I did not and would never say even though she believes my account of the situation. She’s been a complete wreck the last several days, she’s hardly eating, she pulls away from my touch when I try to hug her or just hold her hand, she says she feels “hideous” and “disgusting” and I don’t know what to do. This is the lowest I have ever seen her, and it hurts to see how much she’s hurting. I have no idea what to do to help her heal from this. Reddit, what should I do?
Tl;dr: My wife’s sister tried to kiss me, and this is triggering deep-set body image insecurities for my wife. How do I help her?
---
[**Update: My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10g9txs/update_my_37m_wifes_34f_sister_29f_tried_to_kiss/) - Jan 19, 2023
I got a few requests for updates so here it is. I first want to thank everyone so much for your advice. It was extremely helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I’m especially thankful for the folks that asked me how I was doing. I realized that I have literally never had a chance to check in with myself after these things happen, and I’ve actually been holding a lot of frustration and resentment about it all. I’ve been harassed for years and it has either been brushed off or it’s been eclipsed by the impact it has on my wife. I don’t blame her for it, but this has been a good lesson in me not burying my feelings for the sake of others, even for her.
I also want to clarify a couple of things that came up. Several people asked about how my wife’s family feels about all this, and I explained in a comment that her parents are toxic and treat Mary as the golden child, even though my wife is a freaking neuroscientist, amazingly talented musician, speaks three languages fluently and another two conversationally… my wife and her family are seriously the only people who don’t seem to understand how exceptional she is. I remember meeting one of my wife’s family friends and talking to them about her research, and they said, “oh wow, her parents just told us she works at a university.” Whereas my parents literally introduce her as “the family genius” to everyone. It makes me so fucking angry to think about how her asshole family has stolen her shine her whole life. She’s literally a Renaissance woman but all they care about is looks and money.
Some folks asked me why I would ever put myself in a situation alone with Mary given everything she’s done. I have no good answers for that other than I never thought she would actually try to do anything. That possibility just didn’t exist in my head. I realize now that I should’ve seen this would happen eventually, and that I should’ve been less concerned with keeping the peace and more concerned with shutting Mary’s shit down before it escalated to this point. Hindsight is 20/20.
Anyway, onto the update. The night I posted, I told my wife that if she wanted to try to repair her relationship with her sister I would respect that, but that I don’t feel comfortable being around her for the foreseeable future. I said Mary has obviously been deeply jealous of my wife her whole life because she is a hollow, ugly person whose entire value has an expiration date while my wife actually has substance. I said that I think her whole family is toxic and has done nothing but put her down her whole life, but that only she can decide whether she still wants them in her life.
I also told my wife that while I don’t blame her for her emotional reaction, her insecurity is something that she needs to work on for our relationship to be healthy. What Mary did was sexual assault and she’s been sexually harassing me for years, but I have consistently put aside my own feelings about this problem because of how it affects her, and that has prevented me from getting the support that I need, too. I told her that her reaction only serves to punish herself and me for her sister’s behavior, and there’s no reason to give her that kind of power. I also told her something that a commenter said that really resonated with me: the only people who have ever considered her second best are her and her family. Everyone else sees her for who she really is.
She was crying the whole time and agreed that she needed to go to therapy to work on her insecurity. We were able to find a therapist who specializes in body image/self-esteem issues to work with her individually, and we’re looking for a couples therapist too. My wife sent a message to her parents and sister that explained exactly what happened and told them she would reach out to them if she ever feels ready to repair their relationship. We blocked all of them everywhere but Mary has of course been spamming my family and our friends with nonsense, claiming I attacked her, I’m a drug addict, I abuse my wife, all kinds of bullshit that thankfully nobody believes.
My wife is still down in the dumps but I can see that things are getting a little better. She’s eating and sleeping more and she’s cuddling with me in the mornings again which is nice. Now I’m planning a surprise getaway for us this weekend. We’re going to one of our favorite places and I’m going to wine and dine her and try to make her feel like the goddamn queen she is.
I want to thank you all again for your help. You really helped me understand the severity of the problem and again, thanks for helping me connect with my own feelings about all this. Y’all are the best.
Tl;dr: Wife & I are going to therapy. We’re going no contact with her family for the foreseeable future. I’m going to woo the hell out of my wife this weekend.
---
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | Stepoo | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10m00ag/my_37m_wifes_34f_sister_29f_tried_to_kiss_me_and/ | 10m00ag | 9,485 | 9,312 | [
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"2023-01-27T02:16:13" | OP's employee tells him he's gay...and things take an unexpected turn | CONCLUDED | **Reminder: I am NOT OP. Original post by** [**u/IamConfused007**](https://www.reddit.com/user/IamConfused007/)
Spoiler: >!unexpected but wholesome!<
[AITA for not reacting right to a colleague telling me he is gay?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/snw3f1/aita_for_not_reacting_right_to_a_colleague/) ( Feb 8 2022 )
I feel like I could be in the wrong here, even if I don't understand why. To be honest, there have been incidents in the past where I have unwittingly been rude without intending to, and there are some social norms that escape my understanding.
Which is why I would appreciate some impartial unbiased input and am posting here.
One of my colleague's H (technically I am his boss, not sure if that matters) came into my office today. I have an open door policy to encourage team members to come forward and share their ideas, so this was not that unusual.
H came into my office and said "I am gay." I thought there would he would be saying something else, so I waited for him to continue. After a moment I made a sound of assent to make it clear I heard him., but he still didn't say anything. Since he was staring at me, I assumed he was trying to convey something I wasn't understanding.
Here's where I might have messed up. The first thing I said (my friends specifically scolded me because this was the first thing I said) was to ask if he had had any insights in marketing to that demographic (we work in a marketing firm). H said he hadn't.
I asked him if he was getting married and needed time off (this too, I have been informed was an assholish response). H said he wasn't married. I finally said that if H had nothing else he wanted to discuss, he should leave as I had a meeting starting in a few minutes and needed the office. He left.
Shortly afterwards a mutual friend scolded me and said I was a right asshole for the way I responded to H.
AITA for how I responded? If so, could you please explain i) what I did wrong ii) what should have been the right response iii) how I can fix this
[UPDATE: He's my brother-in-law now!](https://www.reddit.com/user/IamConfused007/comments/10gp1v1/hes_my_brotherinlaw_now/) ( Jan 19 2023 )
I never really thought I would every post an update, but I wanted to share the good news! Nearly an year after my junior colleague H unexpectedly came out to me at work, he's become engaged to my brother.
At the advice of this forum, I had a follow up conversation with H to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination, and try to understand what prompted his exclamation. It fortunately nothing major, and as H seemed to find the conversation embarrassing.
A month later, my parents finally got to courage to ask J, my father's assistant about adoption. My parents had met J several years ago when he was huddling by the side of the road. He had aged out of foster system but due to lack of support he could not get a job and was homeless. My parents had invited him to spend the night, and he has been working as my father's assistant ever since. J has been like a second son to my parents for a long time, and after a late night conversation when J opened up to how alone he sometimes felt because he had no family, my parents asked him how he would feel about adult adoption. I wasn't there when they asked him, but at the family dinner afterwards it was very emotional and long overdue. However, as the days went on, J seemed to get more and more anxious and seemed to withdraw from us. Nearly a month later, he told us in a shaking voice that he couldn't go through the adoption because he had been deceiving us, he was gay. Now throughout all his time with my family, J had never dated. We all had assumed he was just shy or uninterested, so it was heartbreaking to hear that he felt he needed to censor himself, and that he thought we would leave him if we knew the truth. It was a painful conversation but ended happily, and the next day J went with my parents to file the paperwork.
At that time, my siblings and I were wondering how we could show J he had nothing to worry about, when I remembered H and asked him if I could share his email with J. I had been thinking that it would good for J to have a friend who was out -- I never imagined they would start dating and become engaged! | LurkingLurker67 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10m9g1d/ops_employee_tells_him_hes_gayand_things_take_an/ | 10m9g1d | 4,314 | 12,068 | [
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"2023-01-27T05:44:15" | I'm going to leave my fiancé for my boyfriend | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Low\_Field\_2895](https://www.reddit.com/user/Low_Field_2895/). She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest. I found the dates of the updates by using unddit and the wayback machine.
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers on mobile: u/RachMeliss requested axolotls. Axolotls can regenerate limbs and tails like their fellow amphibians, but they also can regenerate their jaws, spinal cords, skin, ovary and lung tissue, and even portions of their hearts and brains! Their courtship ritual includes dancing.
**Trigger Warning:** >!mention of possible non-consensual kinks/rough sex!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Good for OOP!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10gcx99/im_going_to_leave_my_fiancee_for_my_boyfriend/)**: January 19, 2023**
6 months ago my (f25) fiancé (m28) asked if i would be willing to have and open relationship. I agreed. Everything was ok until like 3 months ago when he asked if we could switch from open to poli. I agreed again. He started dating a girl from work and i started dating a guy from my gym.
Now this guy (m26) is soooo different then my fiancé. He takes me on dates every week, he brings me flowers and food at work. He texts me just to say hi. He's sweet and affectionate. My fiancé however…. We've been together for 4 years. He only gets me flowers for my birthday. He's never affectionate. His idea of a date is playing board games or watching The Witcher.
They are very different in bed too. With my fiancé most of the times sex is a chore. He's fast and rough and then he goes to watch tv. My boyfriend however is very tender, he takes his time and he checks if I'm enjoying it, he cuddles with me after and brings me snacks.
I was talking to my mom about this and she asked me which one makes me happier and i guess it clicked. I like the way my boyfriend treats me while my fiancé is more of a roommate at this point.
After my talk with my mom i decided to talk to my fiancé as well. I just told him that i wish he would be more affectionate with me. He just shrugged and said he isn't into "chick flick".
So i guess I'm going to break up with my fiancé because i don't want to marry a man that never takes me out or buy me flowers or holds my hand. I want someone that shows their emotions. I don't know if me and my boyfriend are going to work out since it's still new but at least now i know i have options.
I grew up around men that were emotionally unavailable and most women in my family constantly told that men aren't affectionate so i guess i kinda believed it. My first 2 boyfriends were like this as well. They didn't like showing affection and my fiancé is the 3rd guy I've been with. It feels good to know not all men are like my mom made me think they were. I'm on my way to have dinner with my fiancé and I'm going to call of the engagement.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Did your boyfriend know about your fiancé?*
"He knew from the start. The break up is not actually because of the new guy is because i don't feel loved and appreciated by my fiancé and this won't change bc that's how he's always been. Even if it doesn't work with my boyfriend i now know that not all men are emotionally unavailable like i was always told. I only agreed to open the relationship because of how lonely and unloved i felt."
*Are you going to stay poly or go back to monogomy?*
"Mono. I only agreed to poly/open because my fiancé was unavailable and i felt lonely"
*Is your boyfriend ok with that?*
"He said he is but we only had a quick text exchange. We're meeting tomorrow and we'll talk more about our relationship then."
*People are rude and criticize her reasons for leaving, (per reddit usual):*
"I'M DUMPING MY FIANCÉ BECAUSE HE'S ABSOLUTELY UNAVAILABLE! I SEE HIM 3H A DAY. THE ONLY TIME WE TALK IS WHEN HE CAN'T FIND SOMETHING. HE NEVER TAKES OUT. ONLY BUYS ME FLOWERS FOR MY BIRTHDAY. HE NEVER AS MUCH AS HOLDS MY HAND. WE NEVER CUDDLE. LAST TIME WE HUGGED WAS 2 YEARS AGO AT A FUNERAL. HE CALLS ME BY MY FULL FIRST NAME. NOT EVEN A NICKNAME. LAST TIME HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME WAS WHEN HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM-1YEAR AGO! What's so hard to understand? I don't even know how many times i said he's emotionally unavailable. THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING HIM! My boyfriend just showed me that i can find someone that treats me better."
**Update 1:** **Late January 19/Early January 20**
i was super nervous to have the talk with my fiancé but apparently at dinner it wasn't just us. He invited his parents and didn't tell me. I wanted to have the conversation with him privately but his mom started talking about the wedding, she had a bunch of flower arrangements, dresses and venues printed out and she was going to buy a dress tomorrow. I got overwhelmed and ended up telling them the wedding is off. I tried to be as gentle as i could but my fiancé freaked out when i gave my reasons (that i don't feel loved and that i want someone that shows their affection) and made a scene so we were kicked out. He left to go home like 10 min ago. I'm still in the parking lot with his parents. They are trying to call him. I'm going to drive them home and then i guess i have to get ready for round 2 when i get home.
**Update 2: January 20**
we had a huge fight and he confessed he only wanted to open the relationship because he wanted to sleep with his coworker without being a cheater and then wanted a poly relationship because he developed feelings for her.
And he called me bitch for dumping him because "I'm a big baby who needs attention". Apparently I need to grow up because "real men" don't get emotional.
**Update 3: January 20**
my now ex fiancé called and begged me to come home to talk because he's sorry and he didn't mean what he said. And because "real men don't get emotional" he started crying when i no and that he can call his girlfriend if he wants to talk to someone.
**Update 4: Later on January 20**
i talked with my bf and we're going to close the relationship, he was thinking about it for a while but was afraid to ask so he was happy when i suggested it -my bf helped me move all my things out of the apartment i shared with my ex
* ex has called and texted me all night and i blocked him bc honestly it kinda scared me -exs gf came to see me at work, she was worried i ended things because of her, we talked a bit and I assured her it wasn't because of her. We also talked about my ex and he's lack of showing emotions and she now reconsidering their relationship because she also wants someone to show their love and she was thinking he didn't because it was still new and she thought in time he'll get more comfortable but after we talked she wasn't so sure anymore.
A lot of people keep saying my bf will turn into my ex. Why? Why do you think that? Do you have magical powers to see the future? And if he does? So what? I should stay in a relationship where i don't feel loved just bc my next relationship will not work? Like i said in my post and in the comments. Even if it doesn't work at least now i know i have options.
I also had a few people asking if my ex was always like this or if he changed. He was always like this. | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10mdfik/im_going_to_leave_my_fiancé_for_my_boyfriend/ | 10mdfik | 7,178 | 10,186 | [
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"2023-01-27T16:26:23" | AITA for buying my daughter a locked storage bin? | ONGOING | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Conscious\_Act3704](https://www.reddit.com/user/Conscious_Act3704/). He posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/).
Daily fun fact to prevent spoilers on mobile: [u/WorldWhunder](https://www.reddit.com/u/WorldWhunder/), [u/Commercial\_Curve1047](https://www.reddit.com/u/Commercial_Curve1047/) and [u/oreo-cat-](https://www.reddit.com/u/oreo-cat-/) requested okapis. Okapis are a part of the giraffe family, and are actually not related to zebras. Their tongues are long enough to clean their eyes and their ears!
**Trigger Warning:** >!Theft, body shaming, emotional abuse!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Sad but good for daughter!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/107fnlm/aita_for_buying_my_daughter_a_locked_storage_bin/)**: January 9, 2023**
I (53m) have a daughter (17F) who I recently bought this big storage container for that locks. The reason being our daughter has a job and likes buying her own food and snacks for herself.
The problem is that her mom invites her aunt, uncle and cousins over all the time and even since she started buying her snacks and leaving them in the pantry they'd eat them without consulting her, she's asked them many times to not eat them but they don't listen.
For reference she likes to order snacks from other countries as a way to broaden her horizons, she's also linguistically gifted and liked to try and read labels to help expand her vocabulary. These snacks can take weeks to get after she orders them again and by then her current snacks are gone.
My wife didn't do anything, saying that since our daughter kept them in the pantry they're for everyone. She moved them to her room and her cousins would go in when she wasn't and take them.
I went to a hardware store and bought a big container with a lock and for extra measure I bought extra locks and drilled holes so that they could be used.
Our daughter cried and thanked me because it was pretty expensive and not something she could afford.
Of course the cousins went to get more snacks and threw a fit when they saw it and realized the snacks where in there. They told their parents and they told my wife and she's not happy with me, saying that our daughter should share her snacks with family and she's being selfish and will get fat.
Our daughter is incredibly fit, does multiple sports and exercises all the time, she's far from unhealthy.
I told my wife she could order her own and our daughter was happy to tell her where to order them but she didn't like that either and told her that the chest needs to go and that I should've consulted her on buying the bin in the first place.
AITA?
edit: the relatives are our daughters cousins and aunt and uncle. They are my SIL, BIL and Nephews, and SIL is my wifes sister to clear up any confusion
The pantry i also fully stocked with food, no one is going hungry and eating our daughters snacks because they have to
***Relevant Comments:***
*Why is wife insistent on taking these things?*
"My wife hates spending money and is a cheapskate, the shipping prices for my daughters snacks are too much for her and she doesn't want to spend that kind of money on food. We are quite well off so expensive shipping isn't close to the end of the world for out financials but that doesn't matter to her, she's always doing this and that to save money despite us not needing to"
"I told her **(wife)** she could always buy her own but she is cheap and refuses to pay for the expensive shipping. She grew up pretty poor and I think part of her will always be in the mindset of saving every penny for a rainy day no matter how much money we have in the bank"
*Have you been paying your daughter back, or could you ask SIL or wife to?*
"I haven't"
"neither of them will agree to that, my SIL is not very well off and as I've said my wife is very cheap"
*Get a deadbolt for her room too:*
"I'll consider that, thank you for the suggestion, they've always had a nasty habit of going in her room and snooping"
"I have also tried telling them all that they should respect our daughters privacy and that she works hard to buy herself snacks.
My wife is of the belief that since our daughter is "under her roof" she needs to share anything she buys with the family"
*Can you have your daughter address the packages to you in case mom wants to intercept packages?*
"I doubt that will happen, my wife isn't a monster"
*Is this "living under MY roof" something that happens often?*
"generally she does as I work significantly more then her so I'm usually away at work when disagreements between her and our daughter happen"
*Honestly I liked this whole comment exchange:*
**User:** INFO Strange family dynamics here. So many questions:
* why is your wife so obsessed with your daughters snacks?
* why have you never discussed basic parenting decisions before starting to raise a child together?
* why is your whole extended family over at your place all the time causing problems?
* why didn't you address the snooping before?
**OOP:** "I'm not entirely sure in all honestly. We do, but I didn't think she would be so upset over a storage bin and I used my money to buy it not money from her account or our joint account. My wife allows them over whenever they like, she and her sister are incredibly close. I have and they don't listen, my wife tells them that our house is there's and they live across town so they come to visit a lot."
***OOP is voted NTA, but there is a lot of concern for his daughter and he is told he would be the asshole if he doesn't do anything***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10haa9u/update_aita_for_buying_my_daughter_a_locked/)**: January 20, 2023**
My daughter and my BIL both found my reddit post separately, first my daughter who was sent it via a friend who knew the situation. She confronted me about it and we had a very long talk where she admitted that when I'm away her mom doesn't treat her well, and often puts her cousins/my nephews above her, telling her she should be understanding we're far better off then them. I was aware that they would occasionally sneak into her room to take things or play but apparently they go so far as to wait for her to leave for a few minutes, run in and grab what they want. Her mom also makes a lot of comments about her weight. For reference our daughter takes after me being taller with some more masculine features such as broader shoulders while my wife is small and petit. There's many other things I won't say here that my wife has said to our daughter.
I didn't bring it up at first and consulted my wife on buying a lock for our daughters door which she opposed, even if our daughter said she'd buy it with her own money. She started yelling about how under "Her" roof our daughter has to abide by her rules. The house is technically mine, not hers. She stormed off and immediately began telling all our friends and her sister and BIL that I was being controlling and awful to her.
The BIL found the first post and sent it to her, leading to another argument where she accused me of airing our dirty laundry to the world instead of trying to communicate despite me trying to and getting shut down. Once she stormed off I packed a bag, as did my daughter, and we went to a hotel. (Yes we brought the snack bin) Where we have been the past few days while I find a good divorce lawyer. My wife is still spreading lies about me, claiming I tried to kick her out, and all sorts of other lies. I'm finished with her, I don't care what she says I'll be divorcing her and paying as much alimony as she wants so that I can keep my daughter safe from her. I don't care about the house, or anything else, she can keep it all and let her sister, BIL and nephews mooch off her until she's penniless.
I'm sorry this is not a happy update and I doubt I will make one after this. Thank you for opening my eyes Reddit
edit: after so many people have told me not to give up the house I will be doing my best to fight for it and low alimony for my wife. Me and my daughter shouldn't have had to leave the house we've both grown up in because of my wife. She can live with her sister if she wants to help them so much | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10mozwm/aita_for_buying_my_daughter_a_locked_storage_bin/ | 10mozwm | 8,271 | 9,522 | [
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