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{title:Curb Your Dragon} Okay, Alex, change me back. Oh, but Daddy, you look so cute as a goat. Let's make him eat a tin can. Not funny, Max. Alex, change me back. Okay, okay. Huminoza espinoza - We really got your goat, huh, Dad? - Got your goat. That's it. You just laughed your way into one hour of study hall, starting now. - Let's go. - We didn't even And that means working on your wizard homework and not messing around. Who's laughing now, huh? There's something wrong with that spell. Or maybe it's me. No, it's gotta be the spell. Okay. What are you doing on the wizard computer? Yeah, we're supposed to be doing our homework, not surfing the World Wide Wiz Web. l have to do a little shopping. l like to look good when l'm doing my homework. Oh, this place has the best no-trip high heels. No matter how high the heels are, it's impossible to twist your ankle. l have to try some on. They were cuter on-screen. Oh, look, here's something for Justin. Check it out. Mini-dragons for sale. Okay, no. l'm getting out of here because l don't wanna get involved. Oh, that is the cutest little dog l've ever seen. Hey, boy. Not only is he cute, but he's also a dragon. That's right, a mythical creature and a dog combined. Now tell me, how many would you like? We're just looking. What would it take for me to get you involved in one of these marvelous little dragon-dogs today? l don't get it. ls it a dragon or is it a dog? lt was charmed to look like a dog so it could exist in the real world. Now, beat it, kid. l'm in the middle of a sale. Okay, how are we gonna have a dragon-dog? Mom would totally freak out. Wait. lf you guys buy right now, l will throw in a smoke detector, and a small device that cuts tomatoes. You mean, like a knife? Kid Here's a roll of quarters. Knock yourself out. - With what? - The quarters. He seems friendly. l bet you he's not much of a guard dog. - That is awesome. - l like him. He's feisty. Dragon in a beagle suit, what's the big deal? l'll tell you what the big deal is. This dog-dragon is on sale for 5 million cubicks. And because you have a coupon-- Here, take that. --it's 20 percent off. Dude, you should totally get him. He's on sale. Plus he'll throw in a ''tomato'' slicer. l'm sorry. l'm can't get another dog again. No way. - Not after what happened with Willie. - Wait, who's Willie? He's the dog we had when you were a baby. Oh, no, here comes the tears. Or as Justin calls them, his ''allergies.'' When l was 7, he got lost, and l swore l'd never love another dog again. l gotta go. My allergies are acting up, so l'll take him. Justin's gonna love me for this. But Justin just said that he doesn't want a dog. - Trust me, Justin wants a dog. - Trust her, Justin wants a dog. Here's 5 million cubicks in U.S. currency. Oh, l know the exchange rate. l order from the Abercrombie and Witch catalog all the time. Good. Your five-second warranty just ended right now. Well, let's go find a cute doggie sweater to match that cute doggie face. Come on. Come on, doggie. My dog burnt my homework. That'll be a new one. Justin, you're gonna love this. Close your eyes. Okay, but l'm not gonna taste anything. Ta-da. Alex, what's that dragon-dog doing here? l told you, l don't want another pet. Well, l think you do, and so did the dragon seller. Of course he did, he's a dragon seller. And besides, what are you gonna tell Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad don't have to know he's a dragon. l'll say l found a dog. Because it's a dog and it looks like a dog, that barks fire. Okay, l appreciate what you're trying to do for me here, but l can't go down this path again. And besides, you know about my allergies. lt's crying. l'm allergic to sadness. Look, l know losing Willie broke your heart. But the truth is, he didn't run away and get lost. He got out because Because l kind of let him out. lt was you? Mom and Dad told me it was the pizza delivery guy. l haven't eaten pizza in, like, eight years. Don't be mad. l was 5. l wanted to take Willie for a walk, and he wanted to go for a run. You're saying you feel guilty? Rarely, but yes. All right. Hey, buddy. That's a good boy. Oh, he just did that thing with his nose like Willie did. Do you like your new home, boy? He can nod. Thanks, Alex. He's awesome. - l love a good lunch rush. - Me too. l just wish everyone wouldn't show up at once. What's that? A dog. Just a dog. Yeah, what's it doing here? l found it wandering alone in Waverly Place. Lonely, looking for a home. Looking for a half-Latino family. lt's destiny. We have to keep him. Hey, buddy. How you doing, boy? - Good boy. Speak. - No, don't speak. Don't speak. - Why not? - Because if he speaks, there'll be fire. - What? - What? What Max is trying to say, is that he's saving his voice for those barking-dog albums. He does a mean Bon Jovi. Well, see, he's multi-talented. l think we should keep him, Theresa. Oh, we can't keep a lost dog. Someone's probably out of their mind looking for him. Oh, that is so true. You're right, Mom. And we should probably put fliers up in the city so we can find its rightful owner. Really? But he's so cute. Come on, Alex. You pick now to be responsible? Absolutely. We'll scour the city for the owner. And on the off chance that we come up short, only then can we keep the dog. That's very mature, Alex. l'm proud of you. Oh, so that's been your plan all along, huh? Play with my fragile heart and then crush it? What happens if the rightful dog owner comes along and sees the lost-dog sign? No one's gonna claim it, because it's not lost or a dog. And you're the smart one? You're right. l'm sorry. l'm just a little panicked over what happened with Willie. Let it go. l was 5. As long as he's here, what should we call it? Oh, l know, here's an idea. Spot. No, wait, Paws. Patches. l think we should call it Dragon. - What? Why would we call it that? - Yeah, why? Because it's a dragon. l swear l didn't say anything. lts name is right here on its tag. lts name is Dragon. The name Dragon is on its tag. l love the name Dragon. Good eye, Mom. lt's like it was meant to be. Okay, let's talk about something else now. Hey, Charlie, can l hang one of these found-dog signs on your stand? What's in it for me, sweetheart? Where's Charlie? Let's just say Charlie went to the bank to get the candy he owes me. And by ''candy,'' l mean money. Yeah, l kind of figured that when you said ''bank.'' Can l hang one of these signs on your stand? l'll give you a Bronxstrami Swiss on rye. How about a Bronxstrami Swiss and a kiss? How about a Bronxstrami Swiss and a bowl of soup? Cup of soup, foot-long, no cheaping out on the cheese. And a meaningful hug. No hug. Done. You'll come around. They always do. Well, l don't know who they are, but l'm not one of them. He's just like Willie. He likes dog treats, squeak toys and toilet water. He ate a squeak toy. That's okay, Dragon. You're still the best. Oh, let me get a picture of you, boy. Sit. This will go great in the activities chapter of the photo album l'm putting together. Cute pup. What's his name? Dragon. Not because he is a dragon. No, because there's no such thing as dragons. l should stop talking. - Does he fetch? - No, he doesn't fetch. - You probably don't want to do that. - Go get it, Dragon. Were those wings? Oh, yeah, good one, Frankie. - A dog with wings. - Yeah. Dragon is just like Michael Jordan. Every once in a while, a superstar comes along and elevates the whole game. - Why is it burnt? - lt's not burnt. lt's just like toast. You just brush off all the black stuff, and it's good as new, see? All right. lt works for now. But something doesn't smell right on Waverly Place. You leave the borough, you check in with me. That was a close call. We gotta train Dragon to act like a normal dog. Oh, there's a cat. Go get him. Not you, Dragon. All right. Hey. Stay down. He did it. But it was kind of cooler when he would-- Don't say F-L-Y around him. F-L-Y? Oh, fly. - Fly. - Boy, it's so hot out here. Fly. Fly. - What? - Oh, nothing. Said there's a lot of flies out here. - Where? - Not up there, l meant ants. Flying ants. l hate ants. You know, there was this one time your father fell asleep with a Danish on his chest, and in the morning-- We know, we know, he had an ant beard. Go, go. - Fly, fly. - Go get the ant spray. Man, we are lucky that the word ''fly'' came up a lot in conversation. Please tell me that was slobber. Okay. That was slobber. Come on, guys. We gotta go check on Dragon. Yeah, we've never left him home alone before. Hey, guys, l'm sure he's just fine. And if anyone messed with him, he'd just breathe fire. - Yeah, that's what we're worried about. - What? l thought we just didn't want him to take leaks in the house. Hey, guys. Gotta go check on Dragon. - Wait, Justin. - Justin. - l'll go tell him. - What's the matter? Those fliers you put up worked. Dragon's rightful owner came by and picked him up while you kids were at school. What rightful owner? Hey, guys. Where's Dragon? His owner claimed him. - His owner? - Honey, l'm so sorry. l know how much you loved him. He's gone? There's so much we didn't get to do. Justin, l'm sorry. Thanks a lot. This is why l didn't wanna get close to another dog. You did it to me again. You lost your found dog? Why don't you rest your head on Frankie's shoulder and tell him all about it? l would, but l don't have time for you to get a ladder. This is serious. Someone claimed Dragon. But whoever it was wasn't the real owner. That's weird, because he looked like a dog lover. You saw him? Who was he? You got a meatball sub with my name on it? l'll give you the bread now and you'll get your meatballs after we find the dog-napper. The guy came out with your dog and bought this. A program for the Hudson Dog Show. The Hudson Dog Show? When is it? Why don't you buy a copy and find out? l have to buy it? Do l come into your restaurant, lick a sandwich and leave? Zinger! That'll be $8, please. Okay. lt's today. l'd like to return this for a refund. Zinger! May l help you? Yeah, can l get a hound of corned beef. - l'm sorry, did you say ''hound''? - No. Man, everything reminds me of Dragon. - Everything. - That's rough. ''Rough.'' That's what he used to say. - A pound of corned beef coming up. - Thank you. Max, can you go in the back and grab some more to-go pups? - ''Pups''? - No. To-go cups. All he can think about is Dragon. Justin, Max, you're coming with me. We're getting Dragon back. - Dad, we're taking our lunch break. - Come on, guys. Hurry. ''Furry.'' He was so furry. l miss him. - Three tickets for the dog show, please. - lt's sold out. - What? - Apparently, a lot of people like watching dogs run around on plastic grass. No dog, no way in. Large fries. See if there's a toy included. Over. Alex will talk us in. She's a master. l totally understand. Come on, guys, it's not happening. What? That's it? We're not getting my dog back? Of course we're getting your dog back. We just need to get a dog first. Where are we gonna find a dog without an owner? lt worked. We're in. - Let's get Max. - Okay. Okay. Huminoza espinoza Being a dog is weird. All you wanna do is just chase your tail. l don't think l got the spell quite right. What makes you say that? l can still smell everything. Half of it l wanna put in my mouth. - Look. There he is. - Dragon? And the dragon seller. He stole Dragon back. - He's a con wizard. - Come on, let's go get Dragon. Hey, you're a thief. You sold us that dog and then stole it back. lt's the circle of life, children. We want our dog back. Look, kid, you played the game and you lost. You know what? You go home, and the money you spent on the dog was a lesson well learned. You're welcome. No deal. We're taking Dragon home. l don't think so. Look, he's gone. Oh, he's not gone. He's still here. l can smell him. All we have to do is get Max to smell the beagles. How do you know he's still a beagle? l changed him from a dragon into a beagle, l can change him into any dog that l want. l can change him into a terrier mix, into an lrish bloodhound, or to whatever that is. Oh, it's not that. That is a rat with a blow-dry. Max, can you sniff out Dragon? l can try. Nope. Not this one. Oh, definitely not this one. Are you through, freak? Bob, bring around the security trailer. l got a sniffer. Great, how are we gonna find Dragon now? Our sniffer just got thrown in dog-show jail. Oh, l know. Dragons don't chase cats. lf we had a cat, all the dogs would go wild chasing it, except for Dragon. l'm on it. l'll change myself into a cat. - But you always mess up the spell. - Do you have a better idea? Didn't think so. Animoza espinoza How do l look? Cute, huh? - Oh, a tiger! - Tiger? ls that a tiger? l think you messed up the spell again. Oh, no. l'm the tiger. l gotta get that spell right. Bob, bring the catnip. All of it. Make sure l get extra ketchup. Bob? Bob? Dragon. Oh, good boy. Okay, l left him a beagle, and you found him. Good work, Velma and Shaggy. Come on. That's scary. - l still know it's you, kid. - lt's worth a shot. Huminoza espinoza Would you like to excuse yourself to a litter box? We're kind of busy. You know, l'd like to stay and chat, but l've got a dog here l have to sell. Again and again and again. Not so fast. Look, you were right before. We've learned our lesson. No hard feelings. l have hard feelings. We're just kids, and we should probably thank someone like you for giving us street smarts and making us more cautious with future purchases. Yeah. l am a pretty good teacher. So thank you, and have a good day. But don't forget your cage. You know, l never thought l would say this to a customer, but it has been a pleasure scamming you. What are you doing? You let him get away with Dragon. You're right. l'm sorry. Now all you have is - Dragon. - Dragon. Alex, how did you do that? l just made him take the wrong cage, like l do with you guys and our lunches. But who'd he take? The blow-dried rat. l saw the cage right there, l thought on my feet, and l out-conned the con wizard. l'm good. Hairball. Yeah, you're just that good. So Dragon is really a dragon? Amazing. Actually, there are a lot of secret dragons. No, that in a family of wizards, l didn't see that coming. Stupid, stupid, stupid. - So can we keep him? - Oh, l don't know, honey. Max will feed him every day, and Justin will give him a bath and walk him. What will you do? l'm doing it. l'm coordinating what you guys do. Actually, pets do teach responsibility. Jerry, you leave wet towels on the bed every day. Fine, l'll air-dry. Can we keep him? Well, l don't see what harm he could do. Come on, Dragon, let's go up to my room. Man. This time, Jerry, you can blame a dog. This time.

{title:Halloween} One, two, three, four. I declare thumb war. Come on, lefty. Grab his hang nail. Grab his hang nail. Ow! [laughs] Cheater. [Theresa] Alex! I hope you unloaded the dishwasher like I told you to. Shoot. I, I did! [chuckles] Alex, you know how I feel about you using magic in the house! Mom, you know how I feel about the dishwasher. When we need a dish, we could just take it out. And then when we're done, put it back in. And how would we know which ones are clean and which ones are dirty? [scoffs] You smell them. Like your father does with his shirts? You two are disgusting. This is going to be the best Halloween yet. I've got a great idea for our haunted house. [groans] Stop calling it a haunted house. It's not even scary. You just do stupid skits about making bad choices. OK. An amusement attraction that teaches people lessons about the gravity of life's decisions isn't stupid. Justin, you're a wizard. You could make the scariest haunted house of all time. Exactly. That's why this year's theme is: "Peer Pressure: When Good People Make Bad Choices." So I got a whole room where people are playing video games instead of doing homework. Then you get pressured into playing. Then we quickly act out how your life is gonna go. Video games. No homework. Flunk out. Beach hobo. Oh, I do love the beach. gonna be a breeze * * Well, you know everything's * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please it'll go to your head * * But you might find out * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * - OK Dad, are you ready? - Yes. Now remember, you're an eight year-old boy and it's your first time in the Worst-Case-Scenario Scare House. Here's a balloon to help you stay in character. Oh, can I have a red one? You're an eight year-old boy, you take what you get. Now, go. - But - Take it! OK. I see by the clock that it's past my bedtime, - and I haven't done my homework - And cue Harper. Hey, kid. How about you blow off your homework, stay up late and play a video game with us? What are you, scared? Ooh! And then I jump out from behind you, ha, with fake blood dripping down my pumpkin head. [scoffs] Everybody knows that pumpkins don't have blood, Max. Yes! What do you think they make the pies out of? - The inside stuff! - Halloween is not about pumpkins or blood or pies. It's about life lessons. Hello? [groans] I'm Mr. Evans of the Waverly Place Merchant's Association. As you know, the Waverly Place Halloween Fair - is a very important event tonight. - [Jerry] Mm-hmm. Frankly, your haunted house has been a disappointment since Forever. The Association took a vote and we're taking away your haunted house unless you make it scarier this year. You know, normally I wouldn't agree with people in ties, but Dave's got a point. You can't just take it away from us. Dad. Someone in a position of authority has spoken. No sense in fighting it. Pack it up, Harper. Looks like tonight we're doing a scary movie marathon. Hold on. Wait. You guys can't just give up. All Mr. Evans says is that he wants the haunted house to be scarier. Yes, much scarier. Like with ghosts and goblins and other things out of this world? Out of this world. Exactly. Rebel Russo here gets it. Jerry, this is your last shot at the haunted house. Unless you make it scary, you're done. [snaps fingers] OK, all right, good save. I'll give you that. But how are we going to do something that's out of this world? - [door closes] - Hmm. I don't know. Let's have a family meeting in our out of this world place. Dad! The lair. How can you guys not get what I was hinting at? I used air quotes around the words "out of this world"? Is that what that was? I thought that was the Teen Wolf dance. You know, the [howling] - Ignore him? - [all] Yes. Look, guys, I called this family meeting to talk about the haunted house. It can't be a family meeting without Mom. Who's gonna defend me when I try and take minutes? "2:10, Alex breaks pencil." Look, I was the one shooting my mouth off about how the haunted house needs to be scarier. Then some dude with a tie agreed with me. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna use magic to make it scary. If we're gonna use magic, then Mom cannot know about it. - That's why she's not here. - I noticed that, but I didn't want to say anything. You know what? Normally I say no to the sneaky use of magic. But we could lose the haunted house. Oh! I know! OK. We can use magic to shrink the people down so that when they come in, we'll be like giants trying to squish them. OK. We'll use magic on the haunted house. Good. But how are we gonna keep from actually squishing the people? We're not. That's what makes it scary. But your mom can't find out that we're using magic. OK, well [gasps] What about we get road kill and No. We can have a bleached cow skull that has, like No. At least let Harper and I go to the Ghost District in the wizard world and get some real ghosts. Ghosts? I like it. But not too scary. Fine. But just so you know, mildly scary ghosts leads to a mildly scary haunted house. It's not gonna be mildly scary, because we are gonna decorate the Sub Station really scary. [Dad] Come on! Whoo! Wow, who knew the ghost world was right underneath the cemetery? That didn't take long at all. Yep. Just as long as it takes to dig up a grave and jump. What are all these ghosts doing here? - Oh, they're training for Halloween. - [knocking] [British accent] Trick or treat, my dear. [blows whistle] My dear?! That's not the voice of someone trying to get enough candy in one night to last a whole year. Try it again. Candy's all ghosts can eat. Oh, no wonder they're so pale. Yeah. That and the dead part, so [mouthing] Oh. What do I do, Coach? I got my head in one hand and a pillowcase in the other. Use your head, Doug. OK, Coach. Ow, ow, ow. - Ow, ow, ow. - [banging continues] Watch me scare a ghost. - Hello! - [screams] [screams] - [screams] - [shrieks] - [Alex laughs] - Human alert! Everyone pretend you're alive. Oh, relax, relax. I'm a wizard. [sighs] We're looking for ghosts who are scary, but not too scary for our haunted house. I've got just what you need. Wally! Frank! Miss Chenowith! Fall in! Miss Chenowith knits with her own bony fingers. You want me to knit you a nice sweater? - You're hired. - Yes! Nice day. Forecast calls for Brain! That terrible joke was scary. You're hired. What about you, captain? What do you got? I tell scary sea lore. About sharks that eat ships and Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not feeling you. What about that creepy guy over there? Oh [stammers] You don't want Mantooth. He's too scary. Mantooth? That sounds familiar. Excuse me, um Did you use to haunt little kids while they slept? Hey, I'm a boogieman. I haunt kids. I scare babysitters. I throw shadows down the end of dark hallways. Maybe you've seen my work? [screams] He was the best. He scared this one kid well into his teens. The kid would just hold up his action figure and say, "Captain Jim Bob, protect me! Captain Jim Bob, protect me!" Oh my gosh, you're talking about my brother, Justin Russo. Crybaby Russo? I put that kid on my résumé! Dude! You're like my hero! Oh, you have to come back with us. Justin will freak out. Yeah, I do this crazy thing with my face that had him diving for the light switch. - Wanna see it? - [screams] I'm not doing it yet. Alex, we can't take him with us. That's exactly the kind of "too scary" we were told not to do. - No offense. - None taken. I'm dead. It's what I live for. Fine. All right, we'll take bony fingers, skull guy, and story dude. That reminds me of a scary story. There I was in a hot tub, the elastics on me swim trunks broke. Can we just go, please? Go! All right, Daddy. I got what you ordered. Ghosts you can bring home to Mom. Guys? Whoa. They look pretty good. Not too scary. You know, I never understood why they bury people with nice things. It's such a waste. Ahh, do you have the correct time? Mom! So, who do we have here? Mom, these are some people from the youth club place, who are here to help us actually with our haunted house. Yeah. They are going to pretend to be ghosts. Well, I wanna join the youth club place. Do you guys have a pool? Wow, you look so ghosty. We'll definitely be able to keep our haunted house with this crew. Come on, let's see you scare me. Um Why don't you take the crystal ball and tell her her fortune? Sorry, I have no muscles or ligaments. A pleasure to brain you. Sorry. Interesting. It was a dark and stormy night. I was getting a check up at the doctor's office. They had run out of toys at the reception desk, so I had to settle for a sticker. Hold on, hold on. This is it? These are our scary ghosts? Yeah? Excuse me. You know, I normally wouldn't condone this, but you might need to use a little [whispers] magic to come up with some scarier ghosts. Save your breath, Mom. I've been telling them this the whole time. Mom, these are real ghosts from the wizard world. What? So you went to the wizard world to get some scary ghosts and this was the best you could do? I know. I had to follow orders and get these losers. I was hoping for a guy with saws for hands, but no. Who gave you these orders? I can't hold it. She's gonna find out about the family meeting. - [gasps] - [Peter] Justin, don't worry. I'm the father of this family, and I will handle this. Alex called a family meeting without you. Dad hides cookies in his bathrobe! - We all know that, honey. - Oh! Look, normally I wouldn't be OK with this, but we need a scary haunted house in an hour. An hour?! [groans] I should have taken the earrings. You gotta go back to the wizard world and get us some scarier ghosts. You know what'll cheer everybody up? - Justin, give me a beat. - No. Good enough. [howling] Look, this is a matter of family pride, people, and we all know we haven't had that in a while. Max, stop dancing. Mom. Mom, I've got it! All this dancing just gave me an idea. - Oh, here we go. - Shh. Everybody. Everyone. - Let's see where this goes. - Thank you, Dad. Look, I've got a ghost costume that'll blow away those frauds. Check it out. [glass shatters] And it didn't go anywhere good. You need to get some scary ghosts. Oh, good idea. Should've thought of that one on my own. So does everybody like? Dad! We sent Alex to the Ghost World to save the day again. - What were we thinking? - I'm thinking I should've made this with air holes. This thing is hot. Evans is gonna be here any minute, guys. We're gonna have to do it ourselves. OK, Dad, you're the scary fortune teller. Mom, hide behind that statue. Harper, you lead the groups. Max, you're the ghost who jumps out at people. Yes. Let's scare those kids, Ricky. What? I named my mustache. Hey. Where is everybody? I need more ghosts. I need a pair of queens. And they can be really scary this time. Do you have a ghost with saws for hands? We're dead. We're not freaks. Everyone's gone. It's Halloween. They all went to the real world to get candy. Don't look at me. I have a massive headache. I hope it's nothing serious. Oh, come on, Doug. You're horrific and you are hired. Mantooth! Hey, I'm back. Check it out. a sign on it that said,h "Just take one." So, I did. OK, you're coming with me. I need you to do that thing with your face. Justin's just gonna have to man up. No, no, no! Not that way. I have to get some earrings. For my friend. I can't climb holding my head. Oh, gimme that. - [thud] - [Doug] Ow. Now I have something in my eye. Go on ahead. [dramatically] Welcome to the Waverly Sub Station House of Horrors. Hey, good. We're off to a good start. I like how you said, "House of Horrors" all funny. Thank you. Hey, kid, you getting all this? Follow me! Welcome to the creepy Sub Station. Whoo! Welcome. [evil laugh] I know, I see it. I see something in your future. Something frightening. [evil laugh] OK, you're a hobo on the back of a clown, looking at a head of lettuce. Jerry, I see something in your future, too, and it is also frightening. It is you bagging kettle corn at next year's Halloween festival. [sarcastic evil laugh] Geez, tough crowd. Follow me! And follow me, kiddies, to the Haunted Cemetery. Let's see what's behind this creepy tombstone. I said, "Tombstone!" Boo! I got you, babe. I'm Cher. Uh-huh. Fail! Boo! I'm the ghost of mustaches past! And a talking tablecloth. I'm trembling. Let's go. Hey! Hey, kids! You wanna hear the sound a skeleton makes when it's cold? [teeth chattering] Wouldn't that be better with a skull mask? That impairs my vision. I could trip and fall. [whispers] Don't tell the kids. This is so lame. Come on, come on. Hey, guys, I got something really scary. Oh, look. The rebel Russo's wearing a shirt that says, "Costume." It's so cool not to try, isn't it? Thank you for noticing. I think you'll enjoy this. Mantooth? - Mantooth? - [Mantooth laughs eerily] Mr. Evans, watch this. You're gonna freak out. What are you doing here? I'm not here to hide under your bed. I'm here to save your haunted house. But he turns his face into this horrendous demon and pops out these vicious claws and grabs you - while shrieking in your ears. - That's exactly what we need. Well, is he gonna do it or isn't he?! [ominous laughter] Boogaly, boogaly, boogaly, ha! Captain Jim Bob, protect me! Oh, I should have known. Your incredibly scary ghost turns out to be Fingerhole eye guy. I don't know how much more of this horror I can take. Let's go. That's not scary enough for you? I've got a scarier face. Want to see it? Yes. Do it. [creepy laughter] - Boogaly, boogaly, boogaly - Not that thing. They all start that way. Boogaly, boogaly, boogaly, boogaly - [roars] - [kids shrieking] You're all sick, you're sick people! This haunted house is closed forever. Wait a minute! You said you wanted scary, we gave you scary! Yes. Kids want to be scared, not scarred for life. You're done. I'll see you in the kettle corn stand next year. You know what's great about this? Even though we failed, we failed together. You know, we all had a little hand in this blow up. And I am so, so grateful that I got to contribute. I mean, I'm proud. You know what? Alex is right. I'm proud of us, too. I mean, look at this place. We did this. Quick family meeting. We never send Alex to do anything ever again. All in favor? [all] Aye. Let's go get some candy. - All right, what ya got? - I got this watch that doesn't work two earrings, and a picture of a dog in a frame. Mmm. I'll trade you this necklace, a ring, and a glass eye for the picture of the dog. Done. [sighs] I love Halloween.

{title:Doll House} I cannot believe my Captain JimSpace Command Moduleuse was appraised at $400. Yeah, but then you fainted and squashed one of the space cows. Now it just looks like space road kill. Hey, guys. I was just cleaning out the some cool stuff.ound Justin, here's your scooter. Weren't you looking for it? Yeah, when you hid it from me when I was eight. [gasps] My old Shaun Cassidy poster! Who put lipstick on? Oh, yeah. Never mind. Hey, Dad, isn't this yours? [gasps] Ooh! My football phone. Wait a minute. Why would you be cleaning out the basement? You don't clean out anything. What are you up to? Come on, tell me. Nothing. Nothing. I just I just think that in these tough times, families have forgotten what really matters. And I'll tell you what really matters. Each other. And do you know how we celebrate each other? With tokens from our past memories. - Nice! - No way. Best performance by a daughter in a nonsense role! That was amazing! [clang] - [clang] - Aah! - [clang] - Aah! - [clang] - Chihuahua! Ah, now we get the truth. Her own art studio. Alex, you think you can clear out the basement and make it your own space without asking us? My old yearbook! Who wants to see my old hair? Sick, Dad. Is that where you ke[gags] This is just another one of her decoys so no one will stop her from getting the basement. Look at her. See? Decoy. She knows that someone else of the basement,g someone with a very valuable Sherwood collection that should be kept in environment. Just sayin'. Hold on right there. - No one is getting the basement. - That's right. This is where we keep all the stuff that we don't let each other keep upstairs. Knock it off! gonna be a breeze * * Well, you know everything's * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please it'll go to your head * * But you might find out * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Harper, what happened? Did you wear your walnut hat near the park? Did the squirrels attack you? No. I'm moving. - What? - What do you mean you're moving? My dad got transferred to Pittsburgh. Harper, you're my best friend. You can't leave. What about school? I would stay and finish sin town, but we don't. I mean, we do, but they won't tell us where they live. Well, we're your family, too. That's right, Harper. We're here for you. Because you're always here for us. Always here always. Hey, you know what we should do? We should let Harper move into the basement. It would be great for me. Us. Her. Really? Well, lefor permission. Mom, you were right. They did ask. OK, bye. She said yes. Group hug! You and your mom manipulated us. Looks like you are part of this family. Well, if you're gonna be a part of this family, you should know that we don't group hug. Aww. It's already feeling like home. This is so heavy. This is gonna be so great, Harper. I know. Two best friends sharing the load. It'll be great. So, my easel is here. And my paints are right there. And my canvases are up here. Oh, and Harper You can sleep in the corner behind the water heater. Warm and cozy. Really? Oh, yeah. You need your art studio more bed or breathable air. I'll just sleep on a towel or possibly standing up, like a horse! Yeah, no, that'd be great. take up too much room. No, I'm trying to tell you that you're being selfish. Harper, I'm letting you How is that selfish?io. - Alex! - OK, OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really glad you're gonna be living here, Harper. Now come on, let's clear out and set up your room. Let me know when you're done. Just kidding! Sorry! Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, isn't this we used to play with? Aww, it looked when we were little. Yeah. Man. If only at age five I knew I was a wizard I would have shrunk myself down and Hmm. Oh, no. Did you just go "hmmm"? Yes, I did, Harper. And I wish you would stop being so afraid of my "hmmms." One of these days my "hmmm" is gonna be something great. Let's see if it's today. Do we have to? Shrinka dink, shrinka dank, shrinka dunk I guess we do. [Alex] This is My very own art studio. [Harper] To make teeny-tiny art?! Cool. Hey, if I stick can you paint my nails? Won't it look weird if someone walks in and sees you? Eh! They'll mostly be looking at this anyway. Jerry, take 'em off. I'm throwing them out. But what if I want to go to the gym? What if I want to stop in this neighborhood? Fine. Then you have to throw out those love poems about Shaun Cassidy. - Who snitched? - A little birdie told me. Excuse me, I'm more like an eagle or a hawk. Caw! Wait. I just told you I was the snitch, didn't I? I'll find my own punishment. Hey, Dad, can I borrow those pants and a camera? That was a good one, honey. Justin. Um I'm no expert about collectible toys. Thank goodness for that. But shouldn't you store that away somewhere? Dad, two things. One, side comments to yourself. And two, I've decided to sell my Captain Jim Bob Space Command Module. - Why? - Because the other person shouldn't hear your side comment. Turning your head lowering your voice No. Why are you selling it? I know I would. I'm selling it because I still heard that. I don't have basement to store it in. Keeping it just wouldn't be fair to the plastic. Oh, we have a customer. Nice sweatshirt. See, now that was a good side comment because he didn't hear you. Good. - Are you Randy? - Yeah, I'm Randy. I heard your side comment about my sweatshirt. I'll get it! Well, here it is. [chuckles] "Immaculate condition," in my auction ad. Oh, which also says, "Appraised for $300." - Hmm. - Wow. I'll give you $75 for it. Seventy-five dollars?! [laughs] Cute. I should charge you $75 just for looking at it. Well, it is obvious that somebody fell on it - and squashed the- [scoffs]s. - Call me when you wake u- [scoffing]dream. Yeah, well, your Captain an iron-on, not an original! Yeah. Some people just don't understand fashion. Harper, I love your new bedroom, but [whispers] aren't these headless mannequins gonna freak you out at night? Yeah, I put heads on them before I go to bed. I should probably takes them to Pittsburghad instead of taking my mom. He likes them better 'cause they don't talk back. OK, well, I'll be in my art studio. Shrinka dink, shrinka dank, shrinka dunk Harper's room looks great. Ooh! A pretzel dress. This dress could use a little more salt. Come on, we still got a lot of stuff to throw out. Oh, look! It's Alex's old dollhouse. So many memories. We can get rid of that, too, huh? Whoa. Wait! Harper! Harper! Wait! Wait! Ohh! Oh, no! - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Russo. - Hi, Olive. How's your dad's produce stand? Fine, thank you. Oh, Mr. Russo, here's your bag you use for lettuce. Shh! [chuckles] She's so cute. That's a really pretty dollhouse, Mrs. Russo. Is it yours? Mine? Oh, no, honey. It's Alex's. She's too old now, so we're gonna get rid of it. Really? May I have it? Oh, of course. And you know what? It comes with a cHere you go.p. Thank you so much! Oh, [chuckles] you can't hBut that's all yours.. Harper, I know you and Alex when you were little,is but don't you want someone else to enjoy it now? No. Harper, we already gave it to Olive. Can I at least look for sentimental reasons. Harper, I dropped my wand and it rolled out the door when we were I'm in so much trouble. I'll go get Justin. Come on, Senorita Kitty! Get Justin? Why? Uh 'cause he loved this dollhouse, too. [Alex] Harper! Don't go ask Justin for help. I'm gonna try to fix this myself. Now, please go and try to find in the basement. Hurry! And remind me to always before I come in here. Justin! Justin! I need your help! Shh! I have to concentrate. I'm trying to restore my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood FarmModule's space cows to bring it back to its full $400 value. - Now steady - Oh, just gimme that! Harper! What are you doing? No, you're not Wow, it's perfect. You're really good at that. I paint mountain scenes Of course I'm good at it. Now listen, Alex turned into an art studio, and shrunk herself to work in it, but your mom and dad down the street.tle girl Just tell her to use her wand to reverse the spell. Oh, I left out a part. She lost her wand in the I can't find it.ed everywhere. [sighs] OK, I'll go. I'll fix it. [chuckles] Oh, I kinda left out another part. I wasn't supposed to ask for your help. - What? fix this on her own. But, come on, she can't fix this. So, are you gonna help me help her or not? OK, OK, uh I'll do both. I'll help her by not helping her. If I don't help her, a better wizard. So, I'm not gonna help her. Which will help her. What?! [groans] If you weren't so darn cute, I'd be mad at you right now. - Harper - Uh-uh! Shh, shh! Rowrr! Look what I found under my bed. A very valuable collector's item. Max, that's a paper plate piled high with trash. Yeah, I had it appraised. Now it's worth $250. Who would pay you $250 for that? This bargain hunter right here. I mean, unless someone was willing to pay 260 then I would go to 275. Max, why would you bid against yourself on something you already own Hmm. - A bidding war! - Sold. You owe me 275. Where is it? [Olive] I know you're in here. [groans] Your hair is so tangled! Maybe we should just cut it all off and glue some yarn on. [Alex] Ow! Ow! Ow! Hi, Olive. How are you? Fine. Are you gonna try and take my dollhouse? I'm sorry about that. Um, why don't we be friends and maybe we can schedule one of those "play dates"? Really? I have to ask my mom because she told me from the weird girl. Well maybe she meant someone else. Aren't you the one who wears a hat made of walnuts? Well, I, uh, I did what you said, Randy. I thought about your offer, and $75 sounds pretty good. Then we have a deal. That we do. Because $75 [laughs] sounds pretty good. Oh, giant dog who waterskis, you've done it again. - Seventy-five dollars! - Oh, hey! Is that a Colonel Jim Bob - Captain! - Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Barnyard Command Module? Oh. Well, it's in great shape. - Are you selling it? - Uh, yeah, but I just bought it for $75. Really? I'll pay you more. - A hundred dollars. - Hey, hey! We were making a deal here. Yes, we were, but now there's someone else here offering $100. - One-twenty-five. - One-fifty. Do I hear - One-seventy-five. - One-seventy-five. Signal with the index. - One-seventy-five is the current offer. - Two hundred. - Two hundred - Two-fifty! - Two-seventy-five! - Slow down, boys. - You want to bait the bidder Three hundred dollars! - Three-ninety-five! You can't find my wand? Can't you see what Olive is doing to me? I know, and I'm kind of jealous. I've been trying for years to get you to wear a pretty dress like that. [groans] She is pulling all of my hair out with her cat's brush! The dress is bad enough. I don't want to be a bald doll! Look, I really tried to figure this out on my own, but I just don't know what to do. You're gonna have to ask Justin for help. Right. About that, I kind of already did. I told you not to! But I guess you knew I couldn't figure this out on my own, right? - I'm sorry. - That's OK. You're right. So what's Justin gonna do to help me? Nothing. He said he's helping you with your wizard studies by not helping you. Apparently he thinks you can fix this on your own and, man, is he alone in that. He actually thinks I can fix this on my own? [chuckles] Wow. What kind of jacked double-reverse psychology is he pulling?! Where is he? He just sold his Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module. Apparently a guy paid a lot of money for it. So Justin's got money, huh? Well, then he's about to help me whether he likes it or not. I can't believe you're gonna buy my dollhouse for so much money! [whimpers] I can't believe it either! But it has a lot of, uh, sentimental value. Hmm. It's practically family - [groans] - [Alex] Whoa, whoa! You owe me a lot of allowances. - [clang] - [grunts] [Alex laughing] Ow! [exhales] Thank goodness I'm me again. Well, a gross version of me. Wait! Don't change until I get my giant teddy bear and my tea set. Kitty, it's gonna be an all-girl tea party! Well Thank you, Justin. I will pay you back the money. [grunts] No, you won't. I know, but the "thank you" was real. Wait! Where are you going? This is the part where we fight it out until I win. I lost $400. You already won. No! I won because I wanted to fix this on my own, but I couldn't until you made me. And, now, I'm a better wizard for it. No, it was my money. I fixed it. But it was my idea. This isn't about the money. The important thing is, is that it's all better now. So you can say "You're welcome." For what?! I'm out $400! [laughs] There you go! There's the fight I was looking for. Don't you feel better? Hmm Fine. [groans] Ooh, Justin, you're hurting me. Yeah. I do feel better now. Thank you. Three hundred eighty, three hundred ninety four hundred dollars. Well, Olive, there you go. Your very own collectible plate of garbage. So you ended up with all of my money? You should've bought the plate of collectible garbage when you had the chance. Come on, man. I'll buy you a sandwich. You don't even know how to spend the money right! We get sandwiches for free!

{title:Daddy's Little Girl} Morning, sweetie. Are you ready to go to our favorite breakfast place, Nuttin' But Flapjacks? It's the only good reason to get up before noon, Daddy. Why do you guys even like that place? It truly is nothing but flapjacks. You have to bring your own butter and syrup. Because it is our monthly father/daughter tradition. And we use the leftover pancakes to make masks, and scare people on the subway. That's right. Arrgh! You guys are the pancake-faced monsters? Hey guys, look what Max is wearing. Take your jacket off and show 'em. No, Mom. Come on. Isn't it bad enough that I'm trapped inside this little girl body that doesn't even burp on command? Max, I'm sorry Justin turned you into a little girl. You did this to me, too. And let me tell you, it feels great not being the only one in trouble for once. I dug out my favorite Alex-little-girl clothes, and they fit perfectly. Oh, come on, show them! Ohh! I remember Alex in this outfit. You're even cuter than she was. I don't see it. Aww. You're so little, with the ooh, and the aww! She's just so huggable! Wow, they really seem to miss having a little girl in the house. I'm the little girl in the house, OK? My dad and I are about to go on our father/daughter pancake breakfast. Ho! Look at the pouty face. Mmm! Come on, Max, let's go get some breakfast, and have a man to boy- trapped-in-a-little-girl talk. Let's go. But, Dad, what about our pancake breakfast? We'll do it next month. Alex, I think you're being replaced as Daddy's little girl. Please. I am Daddy's little girl. That is Daddy's little freak. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems OK, Alex, check it out. I found one of my old outfits for Max. Harper, what are you doing? He's cute enough already. Do you think that' fit me though? Well, look who just made herself a peanut butter and jealous sandwich. I'd be upset, but you know I don't make my own sandwiches. Hey, Max, it's your turn to clean the fryer. Get on it. - Fine. - Oh. Alex, he's just a little girl. You do it. Yeah, I'm a little girl. I can't clean a fryer. I probably can't do a lot of things anymore. - Right, Daddy? - Oh He's doing to you exactly what you used to do to me. Hmm, looks like the little girl shoe is on the other foot, and it fits well. All right, Harper. Let me go teach you how to clean the fryer. Wait, why me? Because I'm too busy being jealous. See, Max? It's not so bad being a little girl. I got you out of your chores. OK, what do you want to do next? Well, I want to go to my karate class, but I can't go down there with these little hands. I mean, they look like they belong on a squirrel. You can still go down. Just tell them you're a new student. Justin'll take you. No, I can't, Dad. That's a bad part of town. Not a good idea. Seriously, dude? Come on, I'll hold your hand if it makes you feel better. Well, you don't need to hold my hand, little miss, because I have a panic button on my keychain. Hey Justin, what's up? Who's this cute little girl? What cute little girl? Oh, that cute little girl. Well, uh, this is our cousin From North Dakota. She lives with us now. Because her parents went on a long trip To South Dakota. OK, I just wanted to know her name. - Max. - Ine. Maxine is her name. Maxine?! Come on, that's such a girly name. Yes, it is. For a little girl. We gotta go. Maxine. That sounds an awful lot like Max, which makes me wonder why he's not here right now. Oh, for the love of truth and justice, don't you and Harper have some clogging shindig to go to? It's called the Gaelic Clog Dancing Exhibit and Luncheon. D'uh! Oh, my gosh, I was right? And I don't want to miss a minute of it. Come on. Uh, Harper, you have to make sure that Zeke stays away from here until we figure out how to turn Maxine back into Max. OK, but it's not gonna be easy. He really loves hanging out here. Watch. Hey, what's taking so long? The sooner we leave, the sooner we can come back here and hang out! - Hello, meditating man. - Shh! This is Maxine. Shh! She'd like to sign up for one of your classes. In my dojo, we do not sign up for class, we become the class. Class? There is no one here. Regardless, can Maxine become the class? Of course. After she proves she is worthy. Please take off your shoes. It's a dojo, dude. Don't call me "dude." Whoo! You still have Max's feet. Thanks for noticing my foot stink. I call it "fink." My hours of meditation prevent me from smelling that fink. Now, remember, Maxine, karate is not a way to fight, but a means to find inner peace, as I have. Please demonstrate where karate is in you. Would you mind helping? I, uh, I don't fight girls. It's not something that I do. If you and I were to throw down I know you got a black belt Whoa! Hey! Yes! A little girl kicking butt? Gotta love that! Let's see what else you got. Where is your inner peace, meditation man?! And I call this last move, "payback for naming me Maxine." Yes! I don't know what's worse. The fink or the pain. Thanks for taking me to the clogging festival, Zeke. No problem. Sorry you took that clog to the nog. That's why they have that yellow line around the dancers. You shouldn't have stepped on it. No, wait! Stop! Yeah, you can't go in there. Why not? We always hang out at the sub shop. Well, maybe we should try something new, like hanging out at the produce stand. - Yeah. - Oh, no. Mr. Chung doesn't like it when I buy one grape at a time. And why should I overeat? Wait, stop! It's closed. Now it's closed. No, no, no! Stop! You really can't go in there. Why not? Because Because, um Mr. and Mrs. Russo hate you! What? They hate me? Are you sure? Aw, of course, you're sure! Why would you say it if it wasn't true? Wait, Zeke! Come back! It's family church camp all over again! Alex, is that shirt the lady bug skirt you wore to kindergarten? Oh, is it? Huh! I just found it in my closet and casually threw it on. Mija, I know a lot of women that dress too young for their age, and it's it's gross. Wait a second. You're making your father's favorite sandwich, huh? And wearing clothes from when you were little. Are you trying to get his attention? No. And I'd prove it, except I'm in a hurry. Dad's not gonna love me more if his sandwich is cold. Hey, Daddy. I made you a sandwich. And, I put six meatballs in there. Ohh! I'm impressed. Mmm! That is delicious! - Thank you, sweetie. - Mm-hmm. Guess what happened at karate today, Dad. I used my stinky feet to rearrange Justin's face. Smell his face. Oh, there's nothing cuter than a little girl kicking butt. That's what the sensei said. What is so cute about that? I can't help it if people think I'm cute. Watch how I make it work for me. - So - Oh, thank you. Daddy, do you want to take me out for some ice cream? Sure, I'm not doing anything. But, Daddy, you didn't finish this very delicious sandwich I made you. I've lost my appetite. It kind of smells like Justin's face in here. Come on, sweetie. All right, that's it. Max is replacing me as Daddy's little girl, and I'm not gonna let him get away with it. Dad didn't even care that that little girl showed me parts of my body I can only see with a mirror. So may I take your order? Is Mom wearing one of your skirts as a shirt? Yeah, I don't know where she got that idea from. Zeke? What are you doing here? Oh, just making breakfast for the Russes to get them to stop hating me. Oh, good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Russo! Some breakfast? - Yes, enjoy. - Oh, um Thanks, Zeke. It's, uh, a surprise. Oh, look at that. There's ketchup with my potatoes. Fancy. Oh, no, the ketchup's mixed in with the eggs! I am a failure! Zeke, are you all right? Of course I'm not all right! You guys hate me. Harper told me everything. Harper, can we talk over here, please? What is Zeke doing here? You were supposed to keep him away from Maxine. I tried, but he wouldn't give up. And I kind of panicked and told him that you guys hate him. Zeke listen. There's been a misunderstanding. Huh. We do not hate you. Of course, you hate me. And I figured out why. I'm a taker. I just come in and take, take, take. I need to be a giver. Which is why I made you breakfast from food that I took from you. Dang it, aw! Now, I hate me. That's it. I'm not gonna leave here until I get you all to like me. Oh. What's up, Zekester? Max used to call me that. Where is Max anyway? We've got to get Maxine to karate practice. Oh, ho, ho. I get it. The old "karate practice" excuse. Come on, Harper, come with us. Who knows what you'll tell Zeke next? But I'm still in my pajamas. Oh! What am I saying? I wore a rack of lamb hat the other day. Aw, this is worse than I thought! I'm driving you away from your own home! Oh, man! Alex, there's nothing in these books to change Max back. - What are you doing? - This fly is driving me crazy. Just use the flyswatter spell. What?! There is a spell for that? There's a spell for everything except how to change our little brother back into himself. Fly swat now rot. That was awesome! Ew, there's fly guts. Get it off me. I don't know what to do, Alex. There's nothing in any of these books that says anything about reversing what we did to Max. Reverse? Well, then, that's what we should do. Do the spells, but in reverse. I'll do the spell you did, and you do the spell I did. , I don't know. Colliding spells can be unpredictable. He could end up as something gross, like a ogre. I'm cool with that. I am too, let's do it. - Zeke! - Hey, guys! Just helping your parents out with the laundry. Hey Justin, these Captain Jim Bob Sherwood boxers look like they've seen their last mission. I have been looking for those! Alex If Zeke is here when Maxine gets home, we won't be able to cast the spell on her. Are you guys whispering about me? No, no. Oh, I get it. You guys don't want me here, either. You hate me, too! Oh, buddies? I thought we were best friends. Now we're downgraded to buddies? That's it. I'm not leaving here until I get you all to like me. Well, I'm not gonna like you until you leave. I'm at a crossroads here. Wait, I know! I'll win you guys over with a song from my heart. That's really not necessary. We were the best of friends you and I Yeah, yeah You miss me I love you so much New plan. We go to the dojo and cast the spell on Maxine there. Why don't you Why don't you Love me anymore? Go, go! Ho, ho, ho! Great technique, Maxine. Good job. OK, who's next? Hmm? You. Oh, see, I'm not in the class. These are just pajamas. That look an awful lot like a karate uniform. You are the chosen one. OK, just so we're clear, the only reason I'm putting this on is 'cause it matches my outfit, so Begin your journey. No, no, wait! Yeah! That's Daddy's little girl! I hope the sensei doesn't mistake me for a young student. Yeah. There she is. Shoes! Actually, it's a sandal that could be mistaken as a heel. Come on! What are you guys doing here? We rushed over here because we think we have a way to change you back. Really? OK, let's do it. 'Cause Mom wants me to get my ears pierced later, and I'm starting to like the idea. Hippety hop, let go of my top. - No, this can't be. - We made it worse. Pigtails? Lollipop! You didn't change me back, you made me cuter. Get ready. Because "Maxine" is gonna be your cutest nightmare. Ever. Hi, Mommy! Hi, Daddy! There she is. Our little girl gets cuter by the minute! The pigtails are adorable, honey! Our next match is Maxine versus Lilly Bell. Oh, no. I'd rather tangle it up with one of those guys. I don't even have I don't fight girls. You do now. I got a butt concussion! Someone should squash her like a bug. A fly is a bug, right? - Yeah. - Got it. Fly swat now rot. Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Yes! Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, that's a little something I like to call ka-ra-tay. How can you do that to a little girl? She is not a little girl! I know she looks like a little girl, OK, but she's not. Nope. And And there are Whoo, you are upset. Shoes on the mat! Maxine, honey? Are you OK? She's still a little groggy. Wait, hand me one of her shoes. I'm good! All right. She's OK, everybody. She's OK! I'm glad your little girl's OK. Hey, Alex, can we talk? Why? Maxine in bed already? OK, look. I'm sorry for getting so caught up with Maxine. It's just because she reminded me of you. I'm sorry I got jealous. It's just seeing Max as a little girl makes me realize that I'm not anymore. Hey, you're always gonna be my little girl, sweetie. Thanks, Daddy. Look what I got. Pancakes! That's awesome! Hey, guys, what's going on up here? We're pancake-faced monsters! We want syrup! Zeke, the Russes told me they have something they want to tell you. Zeke, we did hate you. I knew it. Why are you doing this? But you won us back. You're back in, best friend. Oh, man, yes! I knew I could do it! You know what won us over? Your song. You should sing it for Maxine. No, I don't think so. Well, think again. It goes like this. - You liked me - Stop. - I liked you - Oh, my God. Stop! Stop! We were the best of friends Best of friends, best of friends you and I You and I and everyboby together

{title:Justin's New Girlfriend} Oh my gosh, that was so much fun. I love silent movies. Although it wasn't very silent with Alex talking the whole time. Uh, silent movies are the worst. It's not that hard to go back and put some voices in the movie. I mean, people do it all the time on the Internet. The other day, I saw Big Bird doing a Kanye West song. Justin, don't listen to her. She could never appreciate the subtle nuances of Laurel and Hardy. Oh, how about when they were pushing that piano up the stairs? You knew it was coming down, but you just didn't know when. Genius. No, it was two idiots moving something they should have paid someone else to move for them. It's like that time you and Dad tried to push the dishwasher up the fire escape. We had to buy a new fire escape and a new dishwasher. She's just jealous. She doesn't think it's a movie unless there's a car crash every five minutes. Hey, Car Crash Every Five Minutes was a great movie. Yeah, you knew the car was going to crash, and you knew exactly when. Genius. That's a good one. Oh, Harper, the silent movie festival runs all week. We should go catch another film. That's a great idea. Wait, you guys are going to the movies without me? You obviously don't like silent movies and we're really into them. We should go see one of the Charlie Chaplin comedies tomorrow. Oh, that sounds great. How can you call them comedies if you can't hear the joke? You don't need dialogue for a comedy to be funny. Oh, really? Well then let's see about that. I rest my case. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * You made this sandwich with mayo on it. Come on, Jerry, you're making me look bad out there. I wrote down, no mayo. Well this says, plus mayo. That's an X . X means no mayo. Why don't you just write no mayo? Can't bring in a Navy code cracker every time you turn in an order. Just fix the sandwich. This is New York. People want stuff fast. If you were a superhero your name would be Super Slow Sandwich Making Guy." And you'd be my sidekick. Wonder How She Ever Became A Waitress Woman. You don't quite understand what I do back here. There's a lot more to it than just making sandwiches. I have to get the supplies, do all the prep work, make the orders and deal with a wisecracking waitress. Oh, I would love to see you do my job dealing with customers for a day. There's a reason you're back here Jerry. People don't like sweaty waiters. There, I said it! Hey, why don't you guys just switch jobs? That way you can see how hard it is to do the other person's work. Oh. Well, I don't know. Your mom's job seems pretty tough. I mean, you have to write down what people want. And then later, you have to bring it to them. I can totally do your job! And I can smile. They won't be used to that. Oh, bring it on. I'll sit back here where no one can see me and stuff a bunch of meat into slices of bread. But I'll get it right. Stuffing? This is an art. They don't just give these Sandwich University diplomas away to just anybody. I made you that for Father's Day. I still earned it. Hey Alex, the movie was so good. Awesome. Matching t-shirts? Oh, are they having a field trip at school today? Don't worry. You won't get lost. They're prizes. We knew the most Chaplin trivia. Jealous? Yes. I'm jealous of other people, because they're not a part of this conversation. - She's jealous. - Uh-huh. Harper, don't forget about the Lon Chaney silent movie tomorrow. We can't miss that. I'll make us shirts that say we like our festivals silent. Oh I'm gonna go. No, Harper. Forget about the stupid movie with Justin. Let's go to the bowling alley and rent shoes just to eat pizza. And then when the guy behind the counter threatens to call the cops, we'll say "Do it, cause we'd like to get a ticket for wearing bowling shoes." I can't. Tonight's the night my mom and dad and I pick out a kitten. Now that things are great at home, Doctor Paul says it's safe for animals. Sorry. I don't want you dating Harper. It could upset the delicate balance of who I can pit against whom in my life. I'm not dating Harper. Oh, come on. You make plans. You go to the movies. She walks you home. That's a date. Wait a second. I know what you're doing. It's a scare tactic to get me to stop hanging out with Harper. Oh, really? Because one time when you were napping on the couch, she stared at you for an hour. What? You let her stare You know, it's not working. Harper and I just like the same movies. And she's kinda fun now that she's not acting like some freak who has a crazy crush on me. OK, but that freak is living right under the surface so stop dating her. We're not dating! But, you know what? It looks like it bugs you, so hey, why don't we call it a date. With a capital "D." Oh! Yeah, I just found out in Career Class that you only need to go to school 40 hours to become a pilot. I totally have that kinda time. Dude, you've never even been in a plane. They're not gonna let you fly one. You were 40 hours away from me asking you to be my co-pilot. Oh, Harper, there's a lecture tonight by the guy who helped Buster Keaton do his own stunts. Wow, so a billion year old guy is going to talk about falling? Why don't you just go hang out with Grandpa? Oh, Justin, don't listen to her. Count me in. OK. Can't wait. So where's Justin taking you to dinner before the movie? He didn't say anything about dinner. Well, yeah. No, I know. But I mean, you've been out a few times. Dinner and a movie, it's kinda what people do when they're on a date. Date? Oh my gosh. You're right. I am dating Justin. I never thought it would happen like this. By accident. Oh, hey Justin. How ya doing? Have you ever noticed, that you and silent film star Rudolph Valentino have a lot in common? You're both half-Italian, you both worked in a restaurant. Although you're not a dancer. But if you were a dancer, I'd come to one of your shows. Are you having a show? Cause I would go. Would I make you nervous if I sat up front? I hope it's Grease. Cause I love Rizzo and I hate Sandy. Nice going, Alex. I know you did something to Harper to make her act all "Creepy Harper" again. Hey, everything's back to the way it should be. I'm her best friend. She weirds you out. You're mad at me. And she watches you sleep. Everybody's happy. No. I liked hanging out with a girl that's just a friend. Relax, you still have Mom. The point is you sabotaged our friendship just because you didn't want me hanging out with her. It was a nice break from my other friends where most of our conversations are about "Actroid the Japanese Fembot." Here's your Number Four with no tomatoes. Whoa. What did you do? Stuff the whole cow in here? Excuse me for putting a little meat in the sandwiches instead of just rubbing it on the bread. Now, where do these go? Dad, didn't you write down the table number on the order? That would help. Look, Max, can you figure out who ordered these? Dad, I don't want to get in the middle of your competition with Mom. I understand, son. But for five dollars you will, right? I do need money for flight school. Uh, OK. Mom. I need a Brooklyn Bridge. OK. What's in that? Two pastrami sandwiches connected by a hot dog. Who orders that? The guy that started out with dessert. Max, listen, you've got to help me. I don't know how your dad keeps track of all of this. Listen, Mom, I like you, I really do. But this is between you and Dad. I don't want to get involved. All right, I understand, Max. But, I could get involved for the right price. Oh, really? OK, here. Whoa, whoa, whoa Mom. Don't make it so obvious. Oh. Look, someone must have dropped a five dollar bill on the floor. OK, now help me! I messed up on all of these sandwiches. All right, when you mess up on a sandwich here's the sponge Dad uses to clean the condiments off the bread. He calls it "The Eraser." Thank you. Oh. I think you know a better way to thank me. Just fix those sandwiches. OK. Harper, what are you doing out here? Why don't you just go in? I am never going in there ever again. Justin cancelled on the Buster Keaton lecture, and then when I tried to make other plans, he said he w busy for the rest of the year. Harper, you'll get over it. Let's go inside and I'll make you some hot chocolate. Hey, wait a second. You're being awfully nonchalant about all this. What are you talking about? I'm being totally "chalant." Did you say something to Justin? Did you tell him about tt one time I watched him sleep? You did, didn't you? That could be misconstrued as creepy. C'mon, Harper. We're back to normal. Back to normal's good. Alex, you're a pretty controlling person and I put up with it because you're my best friend. But you knew how I felt about Justin and you couldn't just be okay with it. What kind of best friend does this stuff? Okay, maybe I didn't think it all the way through, but you know what I was going for. You know what? I don't need an answer. This is the kind of question you hear now, and think about later when I leave in a huff. Which is now. So you are going to think about it, right? I Mom, I need to talk to you. Oh, can it wait, Alex? I'm finally getting caught up on these orders. Aren't you the one who always says, "I always have time for you and whatever problems you're having?" That is you, right? Mother. What is it, sweetie? Two people very close to me are having a problem, and I tried to fix it, but I might have made it worse for everybody, especially me. Well, if you truly care about them you'll need to put their feelings above yours. Do you know where Dad is? Let me finish. Get them in a room together and don't let them leave until they work it out. All right, that's actually not a bad idea. They'll be friends again, they won't be mad at me, and I don't have to apologize to anyone. Thanks, Mom. Oh, nice job pretending like you wanted to talk to me. OK, sweetie. I'm here. What do you want? I wanted to talk to you about this whole mess. Here, grab a soda. I'm gonna take out the garbage. What do you want, Alex? I don't have time for anything. Ah! Justin! You're not supposed to be here! It's my house. You're not supposed to be here. Make your troubles no more, go in through the out door. Why are you here?! Oh, I have to go. Harper. Um! Whoa! What's going on? I don't watch you when you sleep. Bye! Stop following me. Hang on, Harper. Alex must have cast the "In Through the Out Door" spell. We can't leave without coming right back in. I should've known. She said she was going to take the garbage out. She never takes the garbage out. Why would she do this? Because she's evil and probably wanted us to be friends again. Well, she's not gonna get away with it. Yeah. We gotta get back at her for this. - We should use magic. - Yes! We can make her really tiny and chase her around with a vacuum. My new kitty hates that. Or we could Whoa! That's You've obviously been learning about magic from Alex. All magic isn't devious and manipulative. Really? Then what's so great about being a wizard? Alex did the "In Through The Out Door" spell, right? But she probably wasn't smart enough to put a "spell lock" on it. Alex always wrecks it. Make this door an exit. We're free. We gotta get back at her with something that we know she hates. Something Something bad. Silent movies! Or books! Yeah! She hates books. We can just get a bunch of books and throw them at her. Ooh, hardcover. Payback time. Yes, it is. Alex, you're about to star in your own silent film. Take away color and sound, this is where revenge is found. That was awful. I'm gonna go lie down. I'm exhausted from all that running and overacting. Listen, Harper. I had a good time at the silent movie festival with you. And just because the festival is over, it doesn't mean you and I can't You know, go catch a flick once in awhile. Oh, Justin. That'd be great. There's a festival coming up in Florida. I can ask my mom if we can borrow her car. And even if she says no, I'm willing to go on the run with you despite the trouble it will bring me. Whoa Harper. Right. I'll try and control myself. I'm probably more fun that way. Little bit. Dad, I can't help you this afternoon. Because I quit. What? Why? Are you in a play? No, look. I just wanted to raise enough money so I can go to flight school, but they told me when I got down there, that it was gonna be 5,000 dollars. So I bought this suit instead. But you can't quit. I need you. Your mom is on the ropes. She is gonna crack. No, she's not. I've been doing her job for her. She paid me. I should've known. So, you've been paying Max to do your work for you? Ha ha! I win. But Dad, you've also been paying me. So you've been taking advantage of our son for your own benefit? What kind of irresponsible parent does that? Or lets him dress up like a doorman. I'm a pilot. You know, you guys need to realize that both of your jobs are hard. OK? You should really appreciate each other more. Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go practice my pilot talk. Flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for take off. Bing-bong. What can I get for you?

{title:Family Game Night} Harper! I see you dressed for your history test on the women's suffrage movement. - How'd it go? - Great. Except I fell off my bustle during the essay part. Everybody saw my pantaloons. Oh, they're looking again. Wait a minute. There's an essay? I thought there was just multiple choice. That's why I wrote down all my guesses on my arm. I didn't write anything about an essay. Yes, you did. It says "essay" right there by your elbow. No, that says "easy." I wrote that down as a motivator. I need to switch brains with you. Whoa! I don't want your brain in my body. Would it sound better if I said I wanted to switch bodies? Well, you are wearing a cute outfit today. And I get to wear ..that. Oh, OK. Alex, Harper. Cambia corporum meum corpora sua nominavi. - Oh! - Harper? Alex? Yes! [sighs] OK, Alex, I guess I'll take your test for you, but I'm not walking around with the answers on my arm. Oh, fine, but if you run out of time at the end of the test, just answer all As. You'll be right one fourth of the time which I think is passing. I had fun with you at the art museum last night, Justin. That was a great date. What? A date? You and me? Like What? The only reason you and I were alone is because no one else in the group bothered to show up. But I saw the way you were looking at me. I was looking at you because you were standing in front of every painting I was looking at. Oh, I was looking at you looking at the art, because that was my art. And now my cell-phone wallpaper. I've read tons of articles on dating and relationships, and last night was definitely a date. Staying alone with someone because you don't wanna be rude and just bug out of there is not a date. I do the all quizzes, too. They all say I'd be a great girlfriend. - Girlfriend? - Yes! I'll be your girlfriend. - I'm so glad you asked. - No! I don't think I did. And by the way, I'm talking slowly right now, which means I don't understand what's happening. I'll tell you what's happening. Love. And love is the most important thing. Because in the future, when the aliens take over, it's the only thing we'll have left. You know, you really didn't have to add the alien part 'cause I'm already really scared. That's how you know it's real. Hey, so what are you doing tonight? Because I think we should go on a second date. Oh, you do? I can't, because I'm going to the Mets game. Great! It's a date. Our relationship is off to a great start. Hey, I know it's taken me a long time to say this, - but I love you. - Uhh! I'm in love! Way to go, Justin. You're in a relationship. I never thought it would happen. What are you talking about? It happens all the time. The werewolf, the centaur girl, the goth chick. Why do people think I don't date? I don't remember 'em. Anyway, it's awesome that you came to me with this problem. I didn't come to you. You came over here to me. True, but you usually go to Alex with this type of stuff. You're talking to me. I'm taking it as a victory. I am here for you, bro. OK. [sighs] So what should I do about Daphne thinking that we're dating when we're actually not dating? Hmm. That is a tough one. I am stumped. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * OK, Alex, I really aced your history test for you. I hope you made it believable that I took the test. For the things you didn't know, did you draw a picture to distract them? I just don't feel right about cheating like this. Cheaters never prosper. Switch me back. Switch me back! OK. Alex, Harper. Cambia corporum meum corpora sua nominavi. What happened? Why am I still looking at me? And you spilled iced mocha on my dress. Suffragettes did not drink iced mochas. Cool it, weirdo. It didn't work. Let me try it again. Alex, Harper. Cambia corporum meum corpora sua nominavi. I don't know what happened, but don't worry. I'll just go into the lair and figure it out. - Hey, guys. - Hey. Hi, Justin. Cute shirt. Thank you. I actually What did you do to it? - Where? - Stop it, Alex. - We're on a mission. - Oh, Alex. I need to ask you something. I'm taking a girl to the baseball game. What girl? Who are you taking? Daphne. She thinks we're dating. I need your sneaky advice of how to get out of it. Dump her. Just dump her. Dump her hard. Oh! You wanna get rid of her, you're gonna need a road flare, a barrel of maple syrup, and a mini trampoline. We're not using the maple syrup for what you think. We gotta go. And what did I think we were using the maple syrup for? Like who Oh! I get it. Hey. Huh? Ooh! [chuckles] Look what I found when I was dropping some stuff off at the resale shop. It's the Almost Charades board game. Like we used to play on family game night. Ooh! Honey, I got rid of that thing for a reason. Family game night nearly destroyed this family. Don't you remember? The fighting, the cheating, the crying when someone lost? [scoffs] But that's because the kids were young. I think they're old enough to handle it now. They weren't the ones who were crying. Come on. Let's play tonight. Please. Please. Please, please, please. All right, fine, we'll play. But you know what? We're gonna play on the terrace. - Fine. - Why do we have to play there? Because that way we'll be out in front where all the neighbors can see. We'll be shamed into behaving well. And also, when stuff starts to fly, my ceiling won't get stained with guacamole. Oh, good. I thought that was something seeping down from Max's room. That is totally coming from my room. So, how was the date? What do you think? I think I thought of a way for you to break with her at the ball game. Check it out. After a batter strikes out, you look at her and you say, "Strike three! You're out!" "No, seriously, get outta here." I kissed her. Oh. You wanted her to break up with you. No, I was leaning in to tell her we weren't in a relationship. Then, of course, they put us up on the big screen. The whole crowd kept chanting, "Kiss, kiss, kiss, you guys!" "Kiss, kiss!" And I choked under the pressure. Well, lucky for you, I still know a way for you to get rid of her. Look, Dad's forcing us to have family game night tonight. You know us. The cops'll be there an hour after we start. And I'll invite Daphne to come. She'll see how mean and hurtful and cheating us Russos can be, she'll bail and never wanna see me again. That's a great idea. I was thinking we could plant some of Mom's jewelry on her and get her arrested. I gotta call Daphne right now. This is a great idea. I know. Hey, You should've started coming to me for advice years ago, huh? I didn't come. You were standing there when I walked in. And you talked. That's good enough for me. So Justin told me all about his new girlfriend. Yeah, he and I are tight now. Close buds. Tells me everything. Really? Justin has a girlfriend? Mm-hm, yeah. Her name's Daphne. He also told me that he's bringing her home tonight. Wow. He must really like her if he's bringing her to meet us. Does he know it's family game night? He knows. Well, we'll just have to be on our best behavior, then. Theresa, we will be friendly and cordial and polite. Good sportsmanship is the order of the day. Mm. That is a great idea, too. - There was another idea? - Justin had a great idea. But this one's great too. I say go with it. Here's one that might work. Hair brainium scheme changium. That's not it. Alex, why do I still have your body, except with my hair? Oh, it smells like a waterfall. OK, what about this one? After all that's been said, we wanna switch back our heads. - [Alex's voice] Oh, I did it. - [Harper's voice] Not exactly, Alex. I'd still like my body back. You don't sound like yourself. You sound like me. OK. Stop yelling. Voices right noises. [with Alex's voice] Testing, one, two, three. Again, I'd like my body back, Alex. I'm on it. I'm on it. We can do this, Harper. This has all been a pain. We wanna switch back our brains. [as Alex] Wow! There's a lot of pressure in here. Waterfall. [hollow sound] Oh, my goodness. Now you have no brain. [as Harper] Actually, my brain's inside your head, Alex. [as Alex] Ow! All these brains are pounding against my skull. Oh, no wonder smart people are no fun. - Pretty - No! OK, Harper. Maybe I should just try another spell. [as Harper] Let's see. My brain is cramm inside your head, and I'm standing over there looking lost, like my dad when I talk about the Internet. Sure, try another spell. How could it get any worse? [as Alex] OK, Harper, I know we can do this if we just put our heads together. Well, our heads can't get much more together and that doesn't seem to be helping. OK, um Maybe we should just go to Justin. Really? Because I suggested that five minutes ago before you did all this. OK, OK. But what do we do with that thing while we're gone? [clears throat] Um "That thing" is me. How about we tuck me into bed so I'll go to sleep? Looks like someone's using their noggin. - Nap time! - See? Lawn mower. Oh, you don't know what this thing wants. No! Aren't you getting dressed for your date? These are my good flip-flops. They match the sweater. OK. Well, we're all very excited that Daphne's coming over for family game night. We'll do anything to help this romance flourish. Ooh, Theresa, why don't you make your deviled eggs? And put a dozen aside for me. No, no. You guys just be yourselves, OK? I want Daphne to get to know you guys for who you are. This night should be like any other family game night. Alex, you're just in time for family game night. Sorry. I don't play games. Especially ones that end like crime-scene tape. [as Harper] Oh, let's play, Alex. I love games. Harper, stop talking. We gotta get Justin and get out of here. I'm sorry. I can't help it. Every time you have a thought, it comes out your mouth. You can be so bossy. Oh, I didn't mean to say that. Harper! Justin. What are you doing? [whispers] I have two brains inside my head. If you're trying to psyche me out, you have to do better than that. No, no, no. I'm serious. I mixed up a bunch of spells and now I got Harper's brain inside my head. I can prove it. Just talk to Harper's brain. OK, let me Let me see. Hello, Harper's brain. You're staring at me with those eyes. I think I might faint. Definitely Harper's brain all right. How'd this happen? I did the body switching spell and I can't undo it. Body switching? Don't you read the wizard memos? That spell's full of glitches. - What's wrong with it? - I think you just found out. [doorbell rings] Daphne's here. You three should really get to know each other. Stay put. Fine. If you're not gonna help me, I'm getting out of here. I'm going downstairs to get cold cuts. Come on in, Daphne. Teen Girl magazine says, "Never meet the family empty-handed," so I brought cold cuts. Terrific. Now Alex doesn't have to go downstairs. She can stay up here and mingle. Really? My family owns a deli shop. [as Harper] Alex, we have guests. Be polite. [grunts] Um, hi. Welcome, Daphne. So nice to meet you. Welcome to our normal home. I'm Justin's calm, level-headed dad. Yeah, until the game starts. Let's all go out onto the terrace in full view of the neighbors where everyone can see us. Let's do it. I love charades. But my parents won't play. They say their whole life is a charade. Harper, we can't play charades with two brains. My parents will know something's up. Oh! You figured out how to move my feet. Your brain has a short attention span. It's easy to overpower. No! I am not playing No! Now, remember, this is Almost Charades. You can only write down books, movies or television shows. Oh, it's so great to play a civilized game of charades with the family. That's right. We're out here playing charades. In a friendly, family way. [woman] Quiet down there, ya nut! All right, let's divide into teams. Team one: Justin, me, and the lovely Daphne. Team two: Jerry, Max, and Alex. Yeah! Whatever you say, honey. Dad, those teams aren't fair. Aren't you gonna accuse Mom of stacking things in her favor then go off and pout like you usually do? Whatever your mom wants, I'm happy to comply. I just want our guest, Daphne, to have a good time. Oh! Justin, your parents make me feel like I'm already part of the family. We're so compatible. Alex, get out here! Wow, Harper, you're strong. Daphne, you should really get to know Alex. She's got a lot going on up here. Hey, Harper. Come on out. Hello, Daphne. If you don't stay away from Justin, I'm going to Eat more of this. Mmmm. Why, thank you. Justin, your sister's so sweet and hungry. You haven't really seen the real her. OK, let the games begin. Oh, this is a good one. I'm ready. Two words. First word. - One syllable. - You got it! - Who wrote down "One syllable"? - I did. You're supposed to write titles. That is infuriating, isn't it, Dad? Doesn't it make you just wanna throw a table? I'm sure there's a book titled One Syllable out there somewhere. Excellent guess, Daphne. She's smart and beautiful, just like your mother. Aw! This is the best family game night ever. What a loving family. I guess it's true, "The family that plays together" Yeah, yeah, yeah, "Stays together." Alex's turn! Oh, yay! Me, first. Me, first. Can I go first, pretty please? - Uh, OK. - Uh, really? Harper, I hate charades. Hate charades? That's like hating sunshine. OK! Movie! [Max] Three words. [Jerry] Foot. - Sock. - Foot. Bunion foot! - Foot! - Foot! Foot! - I Ball of your foot. - Ball of your foot. [Max] Oh, um Foot. Calluses. Callus, ball, foot. - That's three words. - For the love! It's "football." A movie. Football. Friday Night Lights. Yes! You got it. Wait a minute. You said, "Football." You talked. You're disqualified. She's disqualified. - Good. I'm out of here. - Alex, you're not disqualified. I got that fair and square. Your mother is stacking the teams against us! That's what I'm talking about. What?! What? You heard her. She cheated. And I'm livid! They should both be disqualified. Out of here! Ho! This if totally bogus. Dad's pouting 'cause he lost a fight again. No! We are not fighting. That's one thing we're not doing. We're not fighting, so stop fighting! The neighbors can hear us! [woman] That's it! I'm calling the cops! - Karate Kid! - We are not fighting! We are trying to make a good impression! I think your family should keep it down. Nah, they're good. Da-ta! Oh, no! Lollipop. Alex, what did you do to Harper? Uh, nothing. See, this is why I should have tied you up. That's a great idea. Someone should have tied you up. What's wrong with these people? Nothing. This is just a typical family game night. You call this normal? Yes. You should get used to it, now that we're in this relationship. Oh, no, no, no. I am way over my head with this toxic family dynamic. And next time you meet a girl, Justin, do not bring her home! Please, brain, leave, brain. Oh, really? It's just that easy? And polite. No wonder you couldn't figure out the spell. Please, brain, leave, brain. Oh, I'm back. It feels good. Yes. Feels awesome having my skull back. Every time I kept looking out my eyes, your brain kept leaning in going, "Let me see! Let me see!" Well, I didn't wanna look in your brain. There's a lot of scary stuff in there. Thank you.

{title:Fairy Tale} I'd like to talk with you about that letter of recommendation to my alma mater, Clementine College. Are you gonna write me that letter? A good recommendation from you will guarantee me a spot in that corral. Look, Justin, I know the teenage years are about your search for an identity. But the western thing, that's mine. Sorry, Mr. Litate. Now, we need a director for the school's production of Peter Pan. And I think that director should be you. Pull it off, and I'll write that letter. Uh, no offense, but isn't that kind of blackmail? Blackmail is just the sort of thing they teach at good old Clementine College. Except they call it "ethics." Good luck, Mr. Director. People are already talking about you direing the school play. That's perfect. I got the role of Peter Pan in the can! Uh, not so fast, Zeke. I need to find the best actor by holding auditions. Uh, well that's perfect. I have just the audition piece. I took my report on Mexico's economy, set the whole thing to music. Check it out. * Mexico, Mexico * * Is a unique and emerging marketplace * * Ohhh Mexico! * * Ohhh Mexico! * - I gotcha. - * Mexico * I got it. Yeah. Auditions will be tomorrow. Please bring something else. Tribeca Prep, autions for a Justin Russo production of Peter Pan will be held tomorw. And since I have your attention, I'm closing in on who put my gym clothes on the roof. Eric Winer. Yeah! Miss Russo. I was filing your delinquent slip when I noticed you hadn't fulfilled your extracurricular requirement. So I signed you up for Locker Refurbish Club. No, thanks. Perhaps you'd like me to define the word "requirement" for you. - No, thanks. - You have to! You can't be too busy being cute or charming, and being you is not a full-time job. Well, the thing is Um I'm gonna be in my brother's play. And you know how I'm always telling you things and then later on, you find out they aren't true? That's 'cause I'm a good actor. So you're too busy in the school play to be in Locker Refurbish Club? Well, I was ready to take on both, but you make an excellent point. Glad we had this talk. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * Hey, what are you up to, Max? Well, I'm the new reviewer for the school newspaper. I've always known you had promise, honey. Now I know what it was for. But if only I could think of something to review Hmm. - Like a movie called Elasto-Man Snaps Back, playing at 3:45 or 4:15. You know, you're right. A writer needs inspiration. I'll take you. Let me finish this order, OK? And that is how you get your mom to take you to the movies before homework. Mom, did you hear that? He's using his school activities to get you to take him to the movies. No, honey. I'm using his school activities to cut my shift in half. Harper, you know how you said you loved the theater? I never said I loved the theater. Oh, I just assumed, the way you dress in all those costumes. Costumes? OK, let's start over. I'm gonna be an understudy in Justin's play. It should be easy because I understudy for most things. But understudies only get on stage if the other actor gets sick or injured. Exactly. And you have perfect school attendance because you never get sick. That's why you're gonna be Tinker Bell and I'm gonna be your understudy. Alex, you and I being involved in the same activity is not a good idea. You know how competitive I am. I'll crush you like a bug, just like I did in Skee-Ball. OK, let's try this again. You play Tinker Bell. I'm your understudy. You'll never miss. I'll never go on. Everyone's happy. OK, I guess we're not competing. 'Cause I will crush you. Why don't you go upstairs and start my homework. I'll make us some sandwiches. Oh, thanks, Alex. That's so generous of you. One Italian sub and a tuna salad on wheat. Got it! - Hey, Justin. - Hey, what's up? Oh, just makin' some sandwiches. That's a nice dollhouse. It's a diorama for the school play. Ah, that's right. I heard you were directing that. So, uh, who were you thinking for Tinker Bell's understudy? Oh Tinker Bell's understudy. You want to be Tinker Bell's understudy. Well, um You're gonna have to audition like everyone else. Why? You know I'm a good actor. I've been acting like I like you for years. No one thinks you like me. But I really do and I act like I don't. Pshh! That's acting. Alex, your order's up. Which table? Oh, I'll take those. Aw, that's my girl, always helping. Mom's helping Max. Alex is serving sandwiches. Where would we be without our ladies? Um So, what do we got going on here? I'm directing the school play. Ah, my son's a director. That's fantastic! I don't know if you know this about me, but I've dabbled in the theatre arts. - You, Dad? - Oh, yeah. I directed a lot of high school plays when I was your age. And as a fellow director, I'm gonna make sure that you succeed. Any questions, you come to your old man. I have one. Should I let Alex be Tinker Bell's understudy? Which one of these is the understudy? Uh - This one? - Yeah. - Got it? - Oh, yeah. I just always wanna be a little boy and to have fun. This world moves pretty fast, you know. It's not long before you're carrying a briefcase and heading to work, day in and day out. For what? These are the best days of our lives. Have a great summer. I'll see you guys next year! Was that your eighth grade graduation speech? I was told it was inspiring. And it was! The role of Peter Pan goes to Zeke Beakerman. Whoo! Yes! Next up, reading for the role of Tinker Bell is Harper Finkle. No, it is poison! "Oh, Tink. Did you drink the medicine to save me?" Yes! "But, why, Tink? Now, you don't look so good." I think I might get well again, if the boys and girls believed in fairies. - What was that? - Fairy dust. Cheese puff powder. Look. Great. She was pretty good. The role of Tinker Bell goes to Harper Finkle. Now, the only thing left is auditions for Tinker Bell's understudy. Look, Alex, um I spoke to some people in the directing community. People who are very close to me, and they advised me letting you anywhere near this production would be sure disaster. People close to you? So that means Zeke or Dad. Oh, it wasn't me, Alex. I swear. Oh, so then, Dad's directing this play. No, I am. I make my own decisions. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. - Prove it. - Fine. Watch. Alex Russo's the understudy. There. I showed you. - Well, I don't want to do it. - You have to. I'm the director. - OK, then fine. I'll do it. - Good. Ha. Listen up, cast. I need everyone to stay healthy for the show. Yes. That's right. Because I don't want to have to step in. I have very little interest in this, and I've never even been to this part of the school. OK, here are the ground rules. Save your voice, don't do anything dangerous, and that includes tap-dancing. - Aww. - Hmm. You got it, chief. I'm gonna start being careful right now. - Whoa. - Whoa! Oh. That was close. I almost slipped on my cheddar cheese fairy dust. Ooof! - Harper, are you OK? - I don't know. Is my foot supposed to bend this way? Whoa. Looks like a rider got thrown off her horse. Sit tight, little filly. The nurse is on her way. She was Tinker Bell. Now, I'm gonna have to hold auditions all over again. Don't you have an understudy? I'd rather not say. Alex is my understudy. Alex, congratulations. You get to saddle up for the rodeo. Out of my way. I gotta throw myself off the stage. Make some room! You're in the show, Alex. Working on your review, Max? I'm so glad you finally found something you're half-good at. Right, here it is "I saw Elasto-Man Snaps Back with my mom last night, which was a big mistake, because she didn't put enough butter on the popcorn. And that's the Max View." Dad, I gotta talk to you about the play. I got a big problem. As long as it doesn't involve Alex, there's nothing we can't solve. Lay it on me. - Never mind. - Oh, it's Alex? What did I say to you? You made her the understudy, didn't you? It's not as bad as it seems. I still got my main man, Zeke, dialed in on the role of Peter Pan. He'll just have to carry the entire show. Hey, Justin. Uh, there's something I gotta tell ya. What did I say? No tap-dancing! I wasn't. I went to tap-dancing class to tell them I couldn't make it. But then clog-dancing class started. And I was like, "Oh, man! Clogging?" And I fell off my shoes. All right, all right. Nobody panic. I said I was gonna help you, and I am gonna help you. - I'm gonna play Peter Pan. - Dad If I shave twice in the morning, throw on my letterman jacket, I can pass as a high school senior. We'll just say I'm your cousin visiting from the country. A country of what, old dudes? - I can still do it. - Thank you. I'll catch you at rehearsal. This will never work. I won't get Laritate's recommendation, I'm not gonna get into Clementine College, and I can kiss robotic engineering goodbye. Justin, are you talking about kissing robots again? You're gonna get electrocuted eventually. Alex, you need to take this seriously. Your brother needs you to be the best Tinker Bell you can be. His college career is depending on you. You're right, Daddy. Justin's depending on me, and you're depending on me. I gotta do whatever I need to do to not let you guys down. Hiring a real fairy to play your part is less work than playing the part yourself? Harper, there's not enough room to write 27 lines of dialogue on my hand. Welcome to Fairy World. May all your dreams come true. Hi. - Look, Sparkles won't work under these conditions! Her wings need to be massaged and steamed. Those things are her money-makers. Come on! Last time I send a dwarf to do an elf's job. How can I help? I need to hire a fairy actress. Well, you have come to the right place. Of all the fairy talent agencies, FTA has, by far, the fanciest offices. I should sit down. And some advice: don't tile your cast. It's like lugging around a bathroom wall. Don't sit there! It's just for looks. It's made entirely of gum drops and licorice. Who'd mix candy with furniture? Oh, wait. I would. Here are some pictures of fairies. - OK. - Do you see one you like? Anyone really standing out? Anyone popping for you? These are pictures of the same fairy. You have a good eye. If it's Flutter you want, then Flutter you've got. OK. How soon can she start? You're girls. I'm Flutter. Well, this is working out. Let's all get to know each other. No, Harper! You're clumsy. See, Harper? She looks just like me. OK, you're gonna play me, playing Tinker Bell in the play. All right. Let's try a scene from the play. I'm tired of playing fairies. I want to play a cop. Hands up where I can see 'em, pal! Oh, she's a good actress. - I can't see 'em. - Oh! Flutter, you are a fairy. Fairies play fairies. I don't know, Alex. This fairy wants to play a cop, and she's packing heat. I say we let her. Who's this? That's Harper. No. Who's the one with the wings? Oh, that's Flutter. You're a man, and you're a lady. What is a fairy doing here? She is leaving. Come on, Flutter. A second ago, you wanted me to play the role of Tinker Bell. You smuggled a fairy across Never Land lines to impersonate you in your brother's play? I'm no wizard, but that sounds like a crime. It's not a crime. And I suppose you spent all this time working on this scheme instead of learning your lines? I don't think I should answer that until I'm assigned a Never Land attorney. Alex, we're not in a crime drama right now. Oh! But if we are, can I play the cop? Check this out. Hands up pal, freeze! Up against the wall. Spread 'em, punk. She's good. Tink, no! What are you doing? Peter Pan, do not take your medicine. It has been poisoned. No! I promised Wendy I'd take it. Ew, is this diet? Ugh. Ew. Oh, would you die already? Fine. I'm dead. Oh, Tink. Did you drink the medicine to save me? - Uh, yeah. - With feeling! Oh. With feeling. Dad, you're gonna have to go shave, get on your letterman jacket. Don't worry. Directors always have a back-up plan. And I'd like you to meet ours. You're a boy. But why, Tink? Why? Now, you don't look so good. I think I might get well again, if the boys If the boys and girls believed in fairies. Do you believe? Say quick that you believe! Owww! Clap your hands. Don't let Tinker Bell's light go out. This is the part where you clap for me, and I come back to life. Mom? Sorry, sweetie. OK. It's go time. Come on, one clap? Anybody? Anything? How 'bout them Mets? Works for me. Come on, let's go save Wendy. Freeze, Tinker Bell. You're going downtown for bad acting, punk. - Flutter? - Sergeant Flutter. You're coming with me, straight to the slammer. Flutter, you have to get out of here before people start to think you're a real fairy. They're definitely gonna think you're a real fairy. Ow. Ow. Ow. See that? That's how you play a fairy. Well, this is how you get rid of a fairy. I'm thinking maybe we should leave before this is over. - Split a cab downtown? - Oh, yeah. Let's go. Jerry! All right, Sergeant Flutter. You have the right to remain silent. In this drawer. Ow. Boo! That's good, Max. Here he comes. I'm sure there are plenty of colleges that'll take you. I can get you into my alma mater. Mom, you went to an all-girls college. Wait. That could work. Yeah, I'll come visit. Um I'm just trying to help out my son. Look, Justin. We wrote a letter of recommendation for you. "Dear Clementine College, here is a review of Justin Russo's directing debut. In this ambitious production, Tinker Bell swats down her own inner-demon

{title:Justin's Little Sister} All right, my little history wranglers, enough ruckus. Let's start off Thursday's class like we always do: With an oral pop quiz. Oh, my gosh. lt's the Thursday pop quiz we have every Thursday. l'm totally caught off-guard. ln no particular order: Wendy Bott, you're up. The French and lndian War was fought by three groups of people. Name two of them. The French was one for sure. And the other one, l'm just gonna guess, lndians? Excellent. Nellie Rodriguez. You're up. The War of 1812 started in what year? Oh, my gosh, l studied for this one. - 1812? - Another winner. Alex Russo. The Monroe Doctrine. What is it? When was it passed? And please give a two-minute argument defending it. Hold on. The other two questions had the answers in them. My question's supposed to be: The Monroe Doctrine, whose doctrine is it? l'd say ''Monroe'' and you'd say, ''Yipee-dilly-lily, way to go, little filly.'' Oh, Alex. You are definitely not your brother Justin. No, l'm not. l'm cuter, more fun to talk to and l don't have dental floss on a key chain. Yeah, well, l do. Justin made it for me. Oh, Justin. Those were the days. Can you believe this? He's comparing me to Justin. l know. lt is so hard to live up to Justin. He's smart and handsome, and he has the healthiest gums. - l mean-- - Okay, l get it, he flosses. Let's make him president. How was school today? Wait, let me guess who got in trouble? Well, l got a hard quiz question because of Justin, got in trouble because of Justin, and got recruited by the math team because of Justin. What are you smiling about? l have had a much more productive day than l realized. Okay. Today's lesson is about genies. Oh, l know a Jeannie. Jeannie Kowalski. Jeannies do not like it when you flick them in the ear. That's lesson number one. No, lesson number one is leave that girl alone. She's bigger than you. And lesson number two is about genies that live in a lamp. And they are the con artists of the wizard world. l thought they were supposed to grant you three wishes. They do, but they take your wish and they twist it around into something you wish you never wished for. ls Alex a genie? No, she's just your older sister. But good, Max. You understand the concept. No genie can trick me. l'd make them wish that they never met me. You don't have to be a genie to wish you never met you. So are we gonna take this genie out or what? You can't take the genies out of their lamps, because they're tricky. Once out, it's hard to get them back in. Yeah, Alex, this was all in the handout, which you obviously didn't read. Why can't you be more like your brother? Because l don't want to grow old alone. Wait a minute. So we're getting a genie lesson without seeing a genie? No, the genie is not coming out of the lamp, we're going into the lamp. Come on. Justin, take us in. we are now small and teeny-weeny Take us inside to see the genie Oh, Christmas carolers. lt's a little early. But who doesn't love a little ''Jingle Bell Rock''? Hit it, boys. A one, two, a one, two, three, four. Hi. We're not carolers. We're on a field trip. l'm just showing these young wizards what a genie looks like in its natural habitat. l'm sorry. l wasn't expecting company. l don't have enough food to make dinner for all of us. But l know this amazing pizzeria-- Everybody likes pizza, right? --on 86th and a Columbus with a topping bar. A topping bar? - How's that for a topper? - That sounds great. - Let's get out of here. - Let's. We are now small and teeny-weeny, but instead-- See that, Dad? She thought a genie wouldn't outsmart her, and she almost set her free. Hello. l was about to put my hand over my own mouth. This is why l brought you here. To show you how tricky genies can be. That's right. Genies can be very tricky. Hey, let's go talk about it over a latte. There's this place in Brooklyn that makes these lattes with basil in them. Basil lattes. That sounds great. Why don't you get your jacket and we'll go. Yes. See that? l just outsmarted the genie. Now let's get out of here. And l just found out there's a pizzeria with a topping bar. Take us out. we are now small and teeny-weeny we are done visiting the genie Oh, it's you. l was just in the middle of snaking my drain. Okay. Thank you for rubbing my lamp. You have a lot of choices in lamps, l appreciate choosing mine. Your wish is my command. You're entitled to three wishes, blah, blah. Not valid in Vermont or Connecticut. Okay. l wish people would stop comparing me to Justin. Oh, your older brother? He seems really sharp. l'm glad he's not my brother. l could never live in that shadow. That's what l'm talking about. - Let's get to the wish. - Okay. - lsn't that the Macarena? - Hold on. Yeah, they stole it from us. Okay. You're good. You will no longer be compared to your brother. So you probably heard genies are always trying to sneak off. - You can't sneak off if l'm letting you go. - You're letting me go? Sure, go on. l got my wish. Class is starting. Beat it. - Thank you. - No, thank you. Okay, my wily coyotes. lt's time for a surprise Thursday pop quiz, on Friday. - Alex Russo. - Here we go. Name two of the three people who were on the Lewis and Clark Expedition, which also featured Sacagawea. - Did you just give me all three answers? - No fair. l'm not giving hints. Okay. Then l'm gonna say Lewis and Clark. And Sacagawea. Three out of three. And l only asked for two. l think we have a winner. Actually, let's let Alex ring the bell. ls there somebody you wanna compare me to? - No. - Thank you, genie. Can you believe it? He didn't ask me some ridiculous question that only Justin would know the answer to. - Who's Justin? - What do you mean, ''Who's Justin?'' - Hey, Justin. - Alex. The weirdest thing happened to me. l got kicked out of chemistry because l wasn't on the class list. And l told Mrs. Rieber it had to be a mistake, l've been there all semester, but she still didn't remember me. Oh, that is weird. You'd think she'd remember the student that came with the periodic element song. Hydrogen then helium Lithium, beryllium Boron Speaking of borons, why don't you go tell your friends about your problem. Fine. That's Justin? The new guy who's H-O-T cute? No, the guy who's my brother who's V-E-R-Y dorky. No, you only have one brother. His name is Max. Oh, my gosh. Harper, l'm gonna catch up with you later. Fine. But l call dibs on that new Justin guy. - l liked him first. - Dibs acknowledged. We played video games together. Yesterday. Remember? l got overexcited and hyperventilated. Your mom had to get me a bag. Sorry, dude. Good luck with whatever. l don't have any friends. My teacher doesn't remember me. What did you do? Why? Just because something completely out of the ordinary happens doesn't mean l automatically had something to do with it. - Did you have something to do with it? - Yes. l made a wish with the genie that everyone would stop comparing me to you, but l guess she did that by making everyone forget you. Okay. Tell the genie you wish everyone remembers me again. l can't. l let her go. That way she couldn't sneak off. Oh, l get it. lt's kind of like giving a burglar your money so he doesn't steal it. - Look, what do you want me to do? - You've done enough. We're gonna have to get Dad to help us. Hi, l'm Jerry, Alex's father. Nice to meet you. We already met. l don't think Dad's gonna help us. Hey, who's your new friend? He's cute. He looks a little like your Uncle Ernesto. lt's not just school, no one remembers me. Look on the bright side. l bet you don't have to do dishes tonight. Okay, Justin. l know this looks bad. No one remembers you. But l'll fix it. ln the meantime, think of all the benefits. - Like not having to do the dishes? - Yeah. l'd trade that for my parents remembering me. Where am l supposed to sleep tonight? l fell asleep at table five one night. lt's pretty comfortable. Okay. Follow my lead. Mom, Justin's parents are out of town for a week, and he doesn't have a place to stay, and he lost his key when he tripped - and he fell down the subway grate. Oh, my goodness. Well, Justin, you're more than welcome to stay with us until your parents get back. - Really? Thank you. - See that? Problem solved. Yeah, everything's great. lt's just my parents don't know who l am. Hey, Max. Do you still remember me, buddy? Of course l do. - You do? - Yes. You're Uncle Ernesto. l have seen you in Mom's pictures. Alex. Look what l made in art class. lt's a bust of that new kid, Justin. - Do you think he'll like it? - l don't know. Why don't you ask him? Oh, my gosh. He's here. How do l look? Better than him. Justin, look who's here. And she made something nice-ish. Hey, Harper. You know my name? l made this for you. Oh, that's not my lipstick on the cheek. Thanks, Harper. l'll put it in my room. As soon as my parents get back in town. - Oh, where are you staying? - Here. He's already moved in? You do not respect the code of dibs. Harper made a bust of Uncle Ernesto? lt's me. That's still weird. Alex, we have to do something. You know They can't forget you. You're their first-born. Maybe we can jog their memory. Mr. Russo and Mrs. Russo, since l'll be staying, it would be rude if l didn't let you get to know me. So tell us about yourself. - Well, Justin loves school. - Loves school? Oh, we never hear that around here. And l love watching sports with my dad. - Go Mets. - A Mets fan. You should've started with that. Now, Jets or Giants? - Jets. - There it is. Welcome to the family, Justin. Justin is a great catch. You should go out with him. Gross. That's exactly how l felt about your father when l first met him, and now he's my big cuddly bug. Grosser. Justin is a fine young man. You should be more like him. Even when they don't know you, they want me to be more like you. You can't wish away quality. Okay, how are you gonna get the genie back? l don't know. l've just been racking my brain. l just wish the genie would show up. What just happened? You wished for the genie to come back and she came back. And stumbling on that, you just used your second wish. Okay, Alex, you have one wish left. Choose your words really carefully. l know, l know. l wish you would stop telling me-- That's not it, that's not it. l'm gonna get this right. Okay. l wish people would-- No, no, no. No. l wish Justin would be-- No, no, no. No, you'll wreck that. l wish my first wish-- l wish my brother-- This is gonna be good. - Oh, l've got it. - Hold up. Let me hear it. Okay. l wish everyone would see Justin clearly for who he is. Wait. There could be a problem if you say the word-- ''Clearly.'' And that's my triple play. Thanks for rubbing my lamp. Really. lt's yours to keep. ln fact, use it as a gravy boat. Just remember it's not dishwasher safe. You know what? Throw it in the dishwasher, l don't care. Alex, look what you've done. You've ruined my life. Hold on. You're invisible. lsn't there something you've always wanted to do? Someone you've always wanted to get back at and they would never know because you're invisible? There. l've done it. - Okay. l had that coming. - Now fix this. Hey, you kids want some ice cream? - What are you doing? - This way l'll be totally invisible. No. Just hide. Don't look. - Where's your friend? - Bathroom? l love talking sports with him. l'll sit right here and wait till he gets back. No, no, Dad, not there. - Why not? - Because l'm gonna sit there. l like sitting here. Who was that? Alex Russo, what is going on here? And why is there a pillow floating in midair? Justin's invisible and not wearing any clothes. Jerry, what's wrong? l just sat down on Alex's invisible friend Justin. - Justin, what did Alex do to you? - Yeah, l don't know. And l'm sure this may seem like magic, but l'm sure there's a perfectly rational, scientific explanation for all of it-- - Dad, Justin knows about magic. - Okay, what did she do to you? - Well, she-- - Wait. ls he holding that pillow to? Oh, that's my good pillow. And since it's the only thing l can see, l don't feel very comfortable talking to it. Just talk to Uncle Ernesto. Alex, what did you do to him? Okay, l'll tell you. - But you're never gonna believe me. - Of course we'll believe you. Justin is my brother and your oldest son. l don't believe you. No, it's true. l made a wish with the genie that everyone would stop comparing me to Justin, but the genie conned me and made everyone forget him. - And then he became invisible. - She's telling the truth. You're trying to tell me l have a son l don't even remember? Please believe me. You have to believe me. l used up all my wishes, but the genie was too smart for me. Genies are sneaky. You have to help me. You can't let him be invisible forever. l grew up with him. He may be dorky and annoying, but he's fun and gullible to pull pranks on, and he's my brother. l need him back. You know what, honey? l think l believe you. You really love your brother. You love him too. And sometimes more than her. l'm trying to help you here. We have to do something. Honey, l believe you too, okay? But what am l gonna do? The genie outsmarted you. Justin, l'm sorry. But l'm happy l have another son. Let me have a hug. - Well, yeah. Go put some clothes on first. - l'll be right back. Floating pillow. You've gotta teach me that one so l can sleep standing up. You know what? The genie may have outsmarted me, but maybe we can out-dumb her. Max, how would you get a genie to come back to her lamp? l know. Orange soda. What? lf someone poured orange soda in my room, l'd be really mad. You spilled orange soda in your room, didn't you? What did we say about taking that up there? See? She's really mad and she's going to my room. ls it working? ls it working? lt's not working. What are you doing? That's my house. See? Nothing drives the ladies mad like orange soda. l'll stop shaking it if you give Max a wish. lt's just gonna get foamier in here. Fine. What do you want? l wish for this haircut and a shirt like this. l can't give you a wish you already have. What game are you playing, kid? Oh, yeah? l wish for the genie game. What genie game? - What are you trying to do? - Oh, you know what l'm trying to do. Well, it sounds like you're trying to find out about the reset button. Max, there's a reset button. You know what to wish for. Swimming pool of pudding? Yes. No. The reset button. l wish you would show me the reset button. - ln your lamp. - ln your lamp. lf there's a reset button, we'll need this paperclip. Hi. Orangey. Max. l got it. All right. Here it is. When you press it, it undoes all the wishes since the last save, as if they'd never happened. - That was close. - You're back. l'm so glad l can see you. Oh, Justin, sweetie, l'm so sorry l forgot you. What kind of mother forgets her own son? - What about you? - What? l'm a dad. Before my cup of coffee, l'm lucky if l remember one of these kids. Come on, Bobby. Bedtime. So you were pretty upset about me being invisible, huh? No. l was just afraid that l would be running into you all the time. No, you weren't. l need my brother back. l need my brother back. Where is he? Yeah, l'm glad you're back. That way l can do this. l miss my-- l miss my brother. He's so athletic.

{title:Graphic Novel} With my brave knight and my hello pony blankie, The faster we go, the safer I feel. Oh, sweet, shining alex, thou art the bomb. Right back at thou. Oops. You dropped your blankie, milady. Take it. It shall keep thee cozy. hey, justin. Why don't we invent an edible flaming sandwich for kids? because I think most kids like having their eyebrows. - Oh. - Halt! Who goes there? I shall never let danger touch milady. Not danger. Dorks. No one must know that I crush on thee. I'm sorry, knight, But I must bid thee Later. Literarium terrarium. I'm telling you, there has got to be a way To put something on fire in my mouth without it hurting. What are you doing in here? What does it look like I'm doing in here? Uh Trying to come up with an answer to the question I just asked. Ok, you got me. You win. Nice going. Heh-heh. We won. I feel pretty good about that. - She's up to something. - Yeah, we never win. * well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * that the end will no doubt justify the means * * you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * yes, please * * well, you might find out it'll go to your head * * when you write a report on a book you never read * * with a snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * that's what I said * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * you might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * because everything is not what it seems * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * because everything is not * * what it seems * Alex, look! There's dean, that guy you like. Should I get you a bullhorn so you can announce it to the whole school? I don't want anyone to know. - Sorry, but I just don't know what you see in dean. He's dangerous. He gives temporary tattoos in the boys' bathroom! - Hey, dean. - What's up? So, I hear your temporary tattoo business has really taken off. Hey, joey, show her my portfolio. Bam! Hm. So, do you ever give those to cute girls? What cute girl are you thinking about? Harper. Uh, she's totally into it. We'll get back to you on that, ok? I don't care how much you have a crush on him. I'm not getting a temporary tattoo from dean! I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just panicked. What do you see in him, anyway? He had a mustache all summer! Alex, red alert. Gigi and the wannabes are heading this way. I can't believe it. It's after second period and I haven't humiliated anyone today. Look. Hey, everyone. Laura moloney is moving into andy hollenbeck's locker. They're totally going out. We're just lab partners. We're just lab partners? You are embarrassed to be going out with me. That's it. We're done. It's sick. It's like gigi gets a thrill out of humiliating people just 'cause they like someone. See? This is why no one can know I have a crush on dean. He doesn't have a bedtime! I'm sorry. You just say his name and these things pop up. Guess what, alex? We're having a sleepover at cindy's tonight. And like always, you're not invited. Gigi, how many times are you gonna not invite me to something Before you realize I don't care? Well, if you don't care so much, why did you crank call us last time? You can't prove that was me. Hey, justin, look what I found in the lair. Alex has a book with hundreds of drawings she made. That's lame. - Yeah. Almost as lame as that book you have With the pictures of that weather lady from channel nine. Her name is wendy leonard, and her forecasts are extremely accurate. You know what? Dude, this isn't a book. This is a magic journal. Alex has drawn herself an entire fairy tale world that she lives in! Dude, she uses the literarium terrarium spell to go inside of it! Wow. Look at all this embarrassing princess-y stuff. Who knew alex was such a girl? It is pretty shocking. Oh, my gosh. There's gigi. Oh, brother. I usually don't notice girls with soft, shiny hair, But it's like a field of gold up there. Ok, dude, whatever you do, don't show this to gigi. If alex didn't want us to see it, there's no way she wants gigi to see it. Justin. Hi, max. What you got there? It's alex's secret journal and pictures. She's created drawings. Look. Like I said, don't show it to gigi! But justin, we hate alex and gigi hates alex, So don't we want to give it to gigi? There's a difference between family hate and people hate. If someone in your family hates someone, you're supposed to, too. Oh, I get it. Then I hate pumpkin pie so you hate pumpkin pie. You know I love pumpkin pie! Max, could you carry my books for me? Yes! Can I brush your hair, too? Is that weird? Yeah. It is, actually. That's ok. I'll take my books back. Max, she just took alex's journal. Oh, did I? I see it right there, so I'm just gonna take it back. - I don't think that's a good idea. - Just hand it to me. - I'm popular so I can keep the book. - Voice is being raised. - I get everything I want. - Oh, whoa, max! I don't have my gym clothes on. Go get her! Literarium terrarium! I got the book back. - Now how are we gonna get her out of the book? Hey, I got the book back. Now you've got to start pulling some weight. Hello? Hello! Is anybody here? "alex's blankie?" Where am I? You're in alex's journal. I'm in alex's journal? Ok, I thought I was just reading alex's journal. - Right. You're reading alex's journal. I'm alex's teddy bear. Stay on the pathways, and if you see any stuffing that looks like this, it's mine. I'm so glad alex erased that dog. Ok, she has a teddy bear and a blankie? She's not as tough as she wants everyone to think. What else does she have in here? All her secrets. Oh, I'm so gonna keep reading. The school's gonna love hearing stories about alex That I don't have to make up. You know what I'd love? Some fiberfill. If you see alex, tell her to draw me some. And maybe a hot tub. Wouldn't you just get all wet and soggy? Hey, that's my problem. Just mention it to her. Hey, check out the wannabes. They're totally lost without gigi. Here's our chance to mess with them. Hey, guys, where's gigi? We don't know where gigi is. Oh. Well, she's probably off getting a jump on the new fashion trend Wearing shoes on your hands. And, uh, you guys should probably do it too, or she'll get mad. Oh, thanks, alex. For an enemy, you are a lifesaver. Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we don't care. Yeah, thanks. Gigi's also off getting her head shaved. Do with that what you will. Yeah, right. How do we get gigi out of the magic journal Without letting her know that there is a magic journal? Well, I've given this a lot of thought. Perfect. What do you got? That's it. - We gotta buy ourselves some time. - Yes, yes, um Where's a good hiding spot for the journal? - I got it. You know how dad can always stare into the fridge and never find the mustard bottle? He's, "we're out. I can't make a sandwich!" And then mom's like, " it's right in front of your eyes, jer." Oh, yeah, yes! So we'll use magic to turn alex's book into dad's squeezable mustard! No. We gotta hide the journal in plain sight. Aw, man, I was hoping we could use a spell like Like bookus mustardo. Alex always steers clear of a bookshelf, Plus, boom, it'll blend right in. She'll never know. I think that's alex. Act natural, act natural. Hey, guys. Did you notice that gigi left school early today? I kind of missed her. Especially in pe. We started dodgeball. And why is my journal on the bookshelf by the door? - How did you see that? - I knew it wouldn't work. Bookus mustardo! Bookus mustardo! Bookus mustardo! You guys are toast. My journal is for my eyes only. What do you know? That you have a crush on dean "the tattoo" moriarty. I do not! And that we accidentally trapped gigi in there. What? Gigi's in my journal? This is unbelievable. This is my worst nightmare. All of my secrets are there and now gigi's gonna know that I have a crush on dean. Knew it! Gigi hasn't talked to the knight who looks like dean so she doesn't know about my crush. I'm gonna go get her out before she meets him. - No, you can't. She'll tell everyone she was in a magical journal. They'll know we're wizards. - What do you want me to do, leave her there forever? No! No, just give me some time to figure out how to explain this to her when she gets out. Fine. I'll give you one day. In the meantime, nobody opens this book. As long as this book stays closed, everything in my fantasy world freezes. I won't let her find out any of my other secrets. - Like - Max, stop it! Listen Nobody's crying! Gigi must not be in school again! Well, something tells me her schedule must have been booked. That she's in a real binding. That she may be starting a new chapter in her life. Why are you talking like that? Oh, it's really clever if you knew. Hey! I mean That's good That you did what gigi wanted you to do. I didn't think they'd do it. Gigi also told me she wants you guys to wear yarn wigs. Yarn wigs? They exist. I can show you how to make them. Now, that one you're just making up. That's ridiculous. Gigi would never say that. She hates yarn. How can you hate yarn? I wear a lot of yarn. Then again, gigi hates me. It all makes sense now! Hey, justin, so I was looking at alex's journal - Where did yofind that? - She hid it in my hamper. - Genius. You never open that thing. - I know. I tripped over some clothes and I fell on it. Oh, quick. Alex is coming. Hide it in plain sight. Hey, guys, what's up? it's working. No, it's not working. What are you doing with my journal? I peeked. You opened it? That's what "peeked" means. Oh, no. Gigi's riding with my knight on his motorcycle. He has his helmet on. She doesn't know he looks like dean. Yeah, well, I'm gonna go in there and get her out before she finds out. - Literarium - No, alex, you can't. I haven't figured out how to keep her from exposing us. Yeah, well, gigi finding out about dean is worse than finding out about magic. - Really? - No, but it's important to me. Literarium terrarium. Ok, we gotta get going. We gotta keep her from exposing magic. Literarium terrarium. - No, alex, stop. What are you trying to do? - I'm trying to stop gigi. Here. Hold my veil. I don't want it to get caught in the catapult. - That was close. - It wasn't that close enough! Alex, as much as that was like, totally awesome Did you see that! It was like, swoosh! It's not the right way to deal with the situation. Well, I've got to stop her before she finds out I drew the knight to look like dean. Hey, I could joust her for him. Then, when I win, we could ride off in the sunset and she'll never know. Joust? - Yeah. I've got jousting stuff in the jousting shed. Oh. Your fantasy world involves a lot of sharp metal. - Oh, thank you. - Welcome. Ok. Let's take our mount and chase down that evil gigi Before she unveils the knight's true identity. - Hold on. - Onward, my loyal bros. What are you doing? - This is how I talk when I'm in my fantasy world. Oh, how awesome are thou and thee. See, this is why I never draw you here. - Oh, there she is! - drive faster! - I don't know the speed limit. - Well, it's faster than this. My teddy bear's about to pass us. Stop! Stop! My stuffing's caught in your chain. Pull over! Pull over, my unfair maiden, and hand me back my blankie! Oh, alex, your journal is so beautiful. - Thank you. - And revealing. I've seen your hello pony blanket, I've seen your teddy bear. I can't wait to see who the knight you're crushing on is. - No, you're not gonna see him. Because I challenge thou to a duel. A joust of sorts. Well, actually, it is a joust. Whoever knocks the other off her iron steed rides away with the knight, Sir lord of cuteness. Fine. Give me a lance and I'll joust you. I've got one for you. - And a helmet for safety. - Ow! Should have given you the shin guards first. We should move or we're gonna be shish-kabob. Are those the sticks with beef or the sticks with chicken? It's meat with a stick through it. - Oh. - Come on. Whoo! Yes! Whoo! It was great! Knight, knight! Let us ride off into the sunset. - Not before a kiss. - It's dean! It's dean! Alex has a crush on dean! What? That is not dean! Dean is a lot taller than that. And his eyes aren't even that color. Not just because I ran out of that color pencil, either. Dean's eyes are blue or blue-green, depending on the light. A beautiful blue-green. Ow! Something bit my toe. - Oh, those would be toe leeches. - Toe leeches? It's my book. They started out as smudges, but then I made them into something. Get me out of here! Oh, anything for you, my love. Literarium terrarium. What did you just do? - She wanted to get out. - Of the pond! She's gonna tell everyone that we're wizards. Forget about that. What about my crush on dean? You gotta get over this kid. He doesn't even have a library card! - Well, neither do I. - Yes, you do. I signed you up for on Oh, hey, gigi. The wannabes have been looking for you. Ah! Here it is. Alex's journal. That's alex's journal? You better not look in there. Welli already did, and I've seen everything. It's amazingly vivid. Gigi! Last thing you remembered, We were chasing after you to get alex's journal, When you fell and bumped your head. Boop! You were completely passed out, talking all kinds of nonsense About being trapped in a medieval world. But really you just had a horrible concussion. And you, you were there. And he was there. D I Was there. What? I thought I was just reading alex's journal And everything was totally vivid. That's exactly what I'm trying to say. - Gigi, give me back my journal. - No. Alex, you are so burned. Listen up, everyone. I found out at miss "too cool to care" alex Has a journal full of embarrassing secrets. - She's making this up. - No, she's telling the truth. What are you doing? - I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction. Ok, so gigi saw my journal. Where I draw pictures of myself living like a princess In a castle with my hello pony blankie, my teddy bear And a handsome knight who sure looks a little bit like dean. But it could have en anybody. Oh, no, it could not have. See? Alex has a crush on dean moriarty! Hey, I have a journal with secrets in it. I'll admit it. I like prending I'm a princess. But I'm also the kind of girl who wouldn't be caught dead at prom, Unless it was a zombie prom and we all dressed up like zombies. Oh, my gosh. I would so be on the committee for that. Bottom line, I'm hard to figure out. Deal with it. Yeah, and I have acrapbook with pictures of the weather lady from channel nine. Deal with that! Seriously, you should keep that to yourself, but thanks for trying. Ok, so from this point on, everybody in this school is done being humiliated by gigi. - Who's with me? Come on! - I am! This is still my school. Clear the halls. - Hi. - Sorry if I embarrassed you. Nope. I liked it. The way you drew me, I look pretty ripped. That's because you are ripped, dean, yeah! - Oh, yeah! Thanks, guys. Gigi thought it looked like you, but I'm not that great of an artist. I think you're pretty good, russo. - At drawing? If that's what you want to be talking about. Then, sure. Nicely done, alex. It always pays to be proud of who you are. I mean, that's what I do and everyone respects me for it. I respect you. I justamily hate you. I can live with that. You kinda have to. I know. I'm ready for my temporary tattoo. Just do it! Harper, I told you, you didn't have to do this if you didn't want to. No, I have to prove something to myself. I have to conquer my fear. Do it, dean, just do it. He plays video games with parental warnings! Oh, it's so cold. Get it off, get it off! No, come on, come on. Two more seconds, two more seconds. And we're done. Does it make me look too tough? I don't know. It's the first unicorn I've done. Nah, I think it looks good. Dean, you said I could have the unicorn!

{title:Wizards Exposed} - [all laughing] - Hey, guys. I made us a little something for our double date tonight. - Matching hats. - Sweet. We'll look like a group. Which is safer. That way we won't get beat up. We're just gonna get made fun of a lot. - They're lovely, Harper. - You don't have to agree with her. I'm your girlfriend, you agree with me. Harper, we are not wearing these things. Yeah, they're wretched. Let's go, Mason. Let's get you down to the department store and get you some free samples of body spray. No offense, but you kind of smell like a dog. Yeah, I get that a lot. Hey guys, take it easy. Zeke thinks Mason smells like a dog because he doesn't know that Mason actually is a dog. What's your excuse? - [alarms blare] - [helicopter hovering] Jerry, what's going on? I don't like this. I don't know. Let's get out of here. [all scream] This way! - [all scream] - Back! Good morning, Russo family. I'm Agent Lamwood from Well, I can't tell you because it's a secret department of the US government. We've had your family under surveillance for months. Oh no, Dad. They found out that our sodas are mostly ice. We know you're wizards. [scoffs nervously] Can I offer you some ice with a splash of soda? We can talk about how ridiculous that is. Not at $3.85 a cup you can't. - Take 'em away. - [Russos murmuring] [Max] I need to get a note for school! I know how much is in the register, and I expect it to be there when I get back! [Justin] What's the yellow tunnel for?! - [radio chatter fades] - [helicopter fades] I will not panic. I will not panic. I will not panic. [screaming] * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Gee, I wonder how they found out. Alex. Me? The government is always looking at nerds. They're either threats or recruits. Which one are you? Hmm?! - [mutters] - Everyone stop it. We need to stick together as a family. No one tell them anything. We don't want them to find out we're you-know-what's. What's a "uni-what?" Is it related to like a unicorn or something? Dad. I have my hidden mini-wand in my boot. I can get us out of here. Oh! Thank you for this toothpick, Alex. I had a little stuff stuck here. We don't want them to know we're wizards. There's cameras everywhere. [gags] I I think I just took care of it. Yep. Well, good luck with that on the b-side. Dad. What do you think they want with us? I don't know, but I hope they make it quick. I need to take a whiz Ards?! I think I heard enough. Welcome, wizards. I've brought you here so the US government can have a better understanding of how you creatures work. Creatures? Look, I know that Justin's funny looking, - but don't lump me in with him. - You can't keep us here. All right? People will miss us. Yeah. I have a double date later tonight, and my friend made hats. So when there's a hat with no head, they'll notice. No one's going to miss you. We make people disappear all the time. You don't hear anyone still talking about Len Goldfarb, do you? - Who? - Exactly. Now, if you'll just answer a few questions about being wizards, it'd be swell. How do you get your powers? [chuckles] The silent treatment. Now, I guess I'll have to interview you separately. Who wants to go first? OK, Max. You're up. No, I wasn't volunteering. I had a question. - What's your question? - Can I go first? There's got to be a wizard world telephone around here somewhere. Oh! OK, all right. Hello? Wizard world? Anyone? Oh! Duh. Hello? - [door closes] - [Mason] Alex? Where is everybody? I'm ready for our double date. There isn't going to be a double date. Someone took the Russos. I think they were from the government. Oh, my. I'll go find Professor Crumbs. He'll know what to do. Well, he might not, but at least I'll look like a hero for notifying him. Wait. What should I do while you're gone? Just stay here. That's what heroes say. I'll be back in a jiffy. What kind of a hero says, "jiffy?" Listen, Max We know you're the brains of the Russo operation. Well, thank you. I've heard "armpit" before, but never "brains." Scientist One, here, just has a few questions and you can be on your way. Hello, Max. First question: Is that your real body or does your wizard soul take over an existing body? Oh, that's a good question I think this is my real body. But I'm not too sure, though, I wasn't there when I was born. "Wasn't there when" Wait, I can't write that. They're gonna think I'm out of my mind! OK, look, wizard, we want to know how your powers work. Yeah. Is there a power core somewhere? Are the powers in your wand? Do you plug yourself in at night? Kind of. I have to use an electric blanket in the winter, 'cause it gets really cold at night. My dad doesn't like to turn on the heat. In fact, he makes us all gain a few pounds in the winter to keep heating costs down. "Wizards get fat in the winter." Don't write that down! That's what he said! He also said he was an armpit. OK, Alex, we know you're the brains of the Russo operation. Ah, flattery. The first step in basic interrogation. Why don't you try something else, noob. [laughs heartily] ha-choo. Are you hungry? Maybe you'd like a hamburger. Go ahead, have some. See, we're all friends here. So, is everyone in your family a wizard? [munching, slurping] You skipped a bunch of questions. Excuse me for trying to keep it fresh. Man, this little lady can eat. OK, you've eaten. Now tell us. Is everyone in your family a wizard? - [belches] - [groans] [laughing] Oh, I'm not telling you anything. Look, Justin, we know you're the real brains of the Russo operation. Ah, thanks. That's actually very true, because Look, I'm not telling you guys anything. We're all friends here. No need to get upset. Now, Scientist One, here, just has a few questions. Who knows what order they'll come in. Well, I'm not telling Scientist One anything. I demand to speak to someone else. Is there a Scientist Two or Three? Oh no, you don't want to talk to Scientist Number Three. If we need him to come in, it isn't gonna be much talking. Look, we know you're a smart kid. I'm gonna tell you something I didn't tell the others, because I didn't think they could handle it. The government has intercepted information that extraterrestrials are about to land on Earth. Extraterrestrials? [scoffs] Please. Those rumors have been circulating for years. Well, what about these satellite photos labeled "top secret?" [scoffs] "Top secret." Crop circles. Crop circles were made by a bored farmer. Give me a break. We think they might be targets. Targets? Are you serious? Yeah. At the last meeting, we decided they're targets. I wasn't at the last meeting. I had a thing with the kids. - So you didn't hear the tape? - [Scientist] What tape? Oh! We intercepted what sounds like some sort of alien communication. Now, we're not sure what they're saying, but we hope it's, "We come in peace." So So, you're saying you have actual tape of aliens communicating? [clears throat] Think I could give it a listen? - [exhales] - [phone beeps] [static and indistinct alien language] [gasps] This is an alien battle call. They're saying "Prepare to attack!" Oh, my gosh. This is worse than I thought. I know. I just got my car washed. Now, I'm not saying there are wizards, but if there were, and you were one, we could sure use that kind of help right now. Son, Earth needs defending. [raspy] Earth needs defending. [grunts] I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. - I'll help you guys. - You will? Oh! But mere mortals are no challenge for aliens. Well, I'm no mere mortal. - I'm a wizard. - [gasps] So here's what we're gonna have to do. Go to my Wizard's Lair so I can contact the wizard world for back-up. - Wizard world? Great. - Yes. Where's the Lair? We'll take you. It's hidden in our freezer at our restaurant. Justin, the US government thanks you. Someday the world will thank you. They might even throw you a parade. [inhales sharply] I love parades. Now, take this burger and go back to your family [inhales] hero. Sir. [clears throat] Sir. I'd just like to thank you for this opportunity to serve Earth. - I won't let you down. - I know. I brought us a hamburger. They gave Justin a hamburger. He must have rolled over. What did you tell them? Did you tell them we're you-know-whats? - [gasps] - Did they let you use the bathroom? Was it worth it? Look, look. Everything is gonna be OK. All right? I'm a hero. You're all going home. - [Jerry groans] - I'm staying behind to serve my country and fight the impending alien attack. "Impending alien attack?" What are you talking about? That's why we're here. They needed my help. They have an alien recording of a battle call that I translated for them. And you all laughed at me for Alien Language League but my skills came in handy here. You mean you translated something in a language that you and your weirdo friends made up? They had us under surveillance. They used that against you. No. It was real. It had static. I assure you guys, everything is gonna be OK. - [alarm] - [Lamwood on PA] Attention staff. We tricked the kid into admitting they're wizards. Big thank you for Justin Russo, everyone. - We don't have to stay late tonight. Let's go, everybody. - [people cheering] Hey, congratulations, man. They said your name. Go, go, go, go. OK, I admit I was tricked. I know this is bad, but there isn't much they could do with the small tidbits of information I gave him. Giving up the biggest secret of our lives is not a tidbit. It's the whole bit. Guys, check it out. This wall is crumbly. It's made out of coffee cake. The kind that has a lot of dirt in it. Guys, I bet you we can chip away at this air duct and get out of here. That's a great idea. All right. Everybody, we have to stick together. Into the air duct. I really hope this leads to the ladies' room. Hey, is it Is it just me, or is this shaft getting shaky? [all scream] We're out. I saved us. Close. We're still inside. And you did nothing. Oh, my gosh. They have other wizards. Professor Crumbs and Rudy Tootietootie. Professor Crumbs, what happened? They came for us. All of us. How'd they get into the wizard world? I don't know. It's the US government. They're pretty sneaky. But from what I understand, someone told Agent Lamwood about the wizard world. Now what kind of horrible person would do such a thing?! It might have come up. Well, they got in through someone's portal. That also came up. Professor Crumbs, do you have your wand? Can you get us out? I'm afraid not, Alex. Nobody has powers. Lamwood surprised us. He got a hold of the Wizard Power Cord - and yanked it out of the wall. - No powers? What do we do? Hidden in my beard is a single-use emergency spell generator. It has enough power for one spell. Is this it? A cootie catcher? Yes. Complete a turn to activate its power. You have ten seconds to cast a spell. Max, stand guard. Quick. Pick a color. - Chartreuse. - Pick a shorter color. - Red. - R-E-D. - Now pick an animal - I see you found your friends. Max, we told you to keep a look out. - For who? - Lamwood. Oh. [whispers] Lamwood's coming. - And I have a friend for you. - Mason! How did they catch you? Well, I was admiring myself in the mirror with this hat on when they snuck up behind me. How does someone sneak up behind you while you're looking in a mirror? Well, I was very much admiring my hat. We agreed that we weren't wearing these. Guards, take them away. - Max, give me a hand. - All right. Quick, pick an animal. Wolf, of course. W-O-L-F. Alex, do the spell already! Get us out of here. Edgebono Youtoosis. Edgebono Youtoosis. Edgebono Youtoosis. Oh, my gosh. They used wizardry. Run! Run, duplicate Russos, run! Get the Russos! How do we know which ones are real? [all] We're the real Russos! - [stammers] Just get all of them. - [Russos all shouting] This is gonna be a lot of paperwork. [indistinct shouting] Come on, everybody. Down here. Hey, me first. He's old. I have more to live for. - Relax, you're next. - Are you the real Alex? Yes, and I know you're the real Crumbs, because your beard stinks. Yes, indeed, you are the real Alex. Go and save your family, you don't have much time. - They've got almost all the Jerrys. - [Jerry] Hey! - Is that really what I look like from the back? - Yeah, you do. Yep, Jerrys are really easy to trick. Now go, go, go. I'll save the rest of the wizards. Hey Crumbs, when I said you were old and had nothing to live for, what I meant was is you're handsome and we're best friends. Now get me out of here. OK, OK! In here! In here! [duplicates shouting] We're the Russos! Those duplicates aren't going to keep them busy for very long. - [knocking] - Oh, I'll get it. - [all] No! - Wait! Wait! What if it's Alex? - Come. Follow me. Quick. - No. Everybody stay here. We're not falling for anything. Yeah. how do we know you're not, like, a duplicate Scientist One? Wait, wait, wait. These are just duplicates. I've got them. Go get the real Russos. - Now do you trust me? - OK, I trust you. I'm a duplicate. Now what? [muffled commotion] - OK. - [beeping] Here's the escape hatch. You can get out through here. [Alex laughing] Oh, there you guys are. What's going on? You're getting out of here. Lamwood is out of control. We're not even supposed to be studying wizards. We're supposed to be studying lizards. Come on! Come on, come on, come on. Hurry, hurry! He's coming! I did it. I saved us. We're home. Close. We're in the middle of the desert. And you did nothing. - Is everyone OK? - No. I let all of you down. I'm sorry. Hey, you thought you were saving the world. It's pretty hard to be mad at you for that. - Mason, you saved us. - No, I didn't. I know, I did, but I just wanted to give you a hug. What, are we just gonna leave everyone down there? - We gotta go rescue them. - [Theresa] How? If we go back, they'll catch us. What are we going to do? I don't know, honey. Let's get back to the Lair - and we'll figure it out. - We can't go home. They'll just come find us again. Look, if we're gonna save those wizards we're gonna have go to the authorities. And say what? That they've trapped a bunch of wizards? We'll expose magic. Well, maybe exposing magic is what we need to do. [thumping] [groans] Oh, good. You're still here. Whoo! [groans] Oh, man. How about that Scientist One? He turned out to be a pretty good guy. We're gonna try and grab some brunch when this all blows over. Is Professor Crumbs behind you? Nah. He's doing good down there. He set us all free. That old geezer is going crazy Yoda on them. Or I should say, "Going crazy Yoda on them, he is." That was just for you, Justin. OK, well, which way do we go? I'd have to say that way. Thanks, Max.

{title:Magic Unmasked} Alex, get ready! Justin and Zeke are coming. Ever since Zeke found out about magic he's been so annoying. Aww. Now, that's love. You think he just became annoying. Zeke, I just told you. Sometimes we use our wands, But sometimes we just wave our hands around. Why is that so hard to understand? Gosh, I love how wizardry plays by its own rules! Ok, is there, like, a special gland in your body that secretes magic? And sometimes it gets all clogged up, and you have to pop it, And magic goes everywhere? Eww. All right, I'm upstairs if anyone needs me. Ooh, I wonder if "upstairs" is code for somewhere wizard-y. It isn't. Oh, I wonder if "it isn't" is code for something wizard-y. It is. I knew it! Zeke, you have to try to be more like Harper. When she found out about wizards. Ok? She didn't have a hard time with it at all. That's true, but to be fair, my circus-like childhood. Makes the most bizarre things seem normal. I'm sorry, Justin. It's just that I have so many questions. For example, can you cook a hot dog by sticking it on a wand? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to turn me into an alien dog named Kevin? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to fix the hair. That sticks up on the back of my head? - Oh, wait, we're good today. - Zeke, enough! I'll make you a deal. If you stop bothering me. With all of these ridiculous questions, Then I will grant you one magic wish. - Really? - Yes. Ok, then I want to go back in time into last week, When I bought this shirt, to get a green one instead. - Sounds good. - Whoo! Yes! Oh, can you use magic to make me blow bubbles out of my? everything is not what it seems well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze that the end will no doubt justify the means you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease yes, please but you might find out it'll go to your head when you write a report on a book you never read with the snap of your fingers you can make your bed that's what I said everything is not what it seems when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams you might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems be careful not to mess with the balance of things because everything is not what it seems Ok, mom. Talia and I are gonna go to the movies. Oh, really? What are you guys gonna see? A love story called heart of flowers. It's about two people who appear on the surface to be totally mismatched, Only to find out in the end they're perfect for one another. It really speaks to us. Listen, honey, I'm so sorry, but Max can't go. He's got chores to do. But, mom, I could just Shh, it's a chick flick. I'm trying to get you out of it. I know, and it promises to be very romantic, Which is perfect, because I love romantic things. Really? [Laughing] Sweetie, what is going on? You and talia have nothing in common. Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come on, talia. We have to stop. And get tissues for when we cry at the end. The big ones, 'cause I'm feeling very fragile these days. You have raised a wonderful son, Mrs. Russo. Yeah. And when you see him, can you send him home? Dad, dad! Look who just walked in here! That's muy macho. That's, like, my favorite lucha wrestler of all time. Hey, you're right! He's one of your biggest heroes. Get him to sign some of these cups, and we'll sell 'em. Oh, I shouldn't! Hi, excuse me. You're muy macho, aren't you? - I'm, like, one of your biggest fans ever. - Oh, well, thank you! But you know, nobody really calls me muy macho anymore. What do they call you now? El destroyer-o? Or, muy bone-crusher-o? Obviously, I don't speak Spanish. No, you don't. No. They call me Bob. That's my name. Bob macho. I now own a successful shoe store. Maybe you've heard about it: "Bob macho's successful shoe store." What? No, no, no. You can't be a boring shoe salesman. You're one of the meanest, toughest luchadores of all time. I mean, I remember when you made chimi the changa eat his own beard. That was the old me. I've given all that up to be a more peaceful, constructive citizen. Why would you do that? Well, because of what happened to me ten years ago. Right in the middle of a match, I slipped on a churro. And I fell into the front row of the crowd, where a little girl unmasked me. It was the only fight I ever lost, And the most disgraceful moment of my career. Eh, so I retired. Could you excuse me for one second? - I can't believe this. - Me neither. I mean, what kind of careless parent. Lets his little girl go to a wrestling match? Dad, that careless parent was you, And that little girl was me. Don't you remember? Yeah! Get him! Ooh, ooh! My churro! Ay, no! Wow. And, to think, all these years, I've remembered that day as the time. When I let a perfectly good churro get away. Look, Mr. Macho, I'm so sorry. That that little girl robbed you of your true calling. Oh, you don't have to apologize. I love my job. Every time I fit someone's feet, I make ten new friends. Yeah, ok, look. I know that you don't know me, that we just met, And I know you say you're happy, but I think I know what's best for you. So, how would you like another shot at wrestling? - Well, I - Alex, what are you doing? Dad, muy macho lost everything because of me. I have to make it up to him. So Mr. Macho, what do you say? Do you want to taste victory again? Well Well, I I guess it could be fun. Although who would get into the ring with an old washed-up wrestler like me? - No, no, my dad will do it. - He will? Yes. Because he knows how much it means to his only daughter. No! - I'll buy you a churro. - Ok, I'll do it. Great! Then it's settled. The mighty muy macho. Will return to the ring, so that he can erase the awful shame. That has been haunting him for the past ten years. - What? I'm not ashamed - No Need to thank me. It's just the kind of special person that I am. Mmm. I hope I can find my lucha mask. - My dog's been wearing it as pants. - Ah. Great news, mom. Dad is gonna get in the ring with a famous luchador. What? Jerry! I go to the kitchen for five minutes. And you arrange a fight with a professional wrestler? You lose your breath while cheering for wrestling. You can be the beautiful ring girl. Really? You'll be fine, Jerry. Harper, there you are. Zeke, what are you doing here? You already graduated. I got a job as a crossing guard so I could be close to you. In case I freaked out and needed to talk. Let me guess, you're freaking out. Yes! It's this magic wish that Justin's giving me. I don't know what to wish for! Like, what if I wish to live forever, But then fall into a dried-up well. And no one knows where to find me? I can't live in a dried-up well forever, Harper! I just can't! Maybe you should wish for a less active imagination. Attention please. There's just been a traffic accident outside. Unacceptable! Apparently the crossing guard left his post. Honey, now you should be freaking out. You know, maybe Zeke's right. Having a wish would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. How come you never gave me one of those? Because you hate it when I do magic. Yeah, but that's because I never had the opportunity. - To use it selfishly. - Selfish? Aww, I'm such a good role model for you. All right. You can have one wish. Oh, my gosh, really? Oh, I wish I had more time to think of a good wish. No! That's not my wish! I really need to think about this. Wish me luck. No, no, no! That's not it either! Oh! Oh! No, no, no. You look really nice today, Max. I'm so glad I told you to wear that suit. I agree. You know, talia, I don't know what my mom was talking about. When she said we didn't have anything in common. I know. We have tons of things in common. - Our love of opera music. - Yes. - Brussel sprouts. - Yum! Architectural walking tours. Yay. You like whatever I like. It's why we work. How do we feel about video games? Oh, we frown upon them. I was afraid we would say that. I'm looking for the man they call Jerry russo! Hey, look, everybody, it's Bob! What a great costume! Stick a roll in it, sandwich maker! The name is muy macho! Alex, you were right. Apparently, I'm not happy being the owner of a very successful shoe store. I am, and always have been, a perfectly chiseled. Fighting machine with no conscience whatsoever! - Muy macho is back! - That's right! In the ring, reducing grown men. To sniveling shells of their former selves! Ok, just so you know, that means he's really angry. He just tore a phone book in half! I am not fighting him! I could get hurt. Dad, dad, if you don't fight him, he can't win. How am I gonna make up for what I did to him? But I will fight muy macho! Zeke, what in the world are you talking about? I'm talking about fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine: To fight a mexican wrestler. I also had one to become a professional magician, But we all know how that turned out. I will see you in the ring, kid. Where I will make you hurt worse than a bunion. That has resulted from ill-fitting shoes! You sure you know what you're doing, buddy? Yes, yes, he's sure. He said it, right? Thank you, Zeke. Ok? The match will go on as planned. Dad, don't worry, it'll be all good. 'cause see, muy macho will beat Zeke, my conscience will be clear, And I can get rid of this haunting flashback. No, stop it! I've decided on my wish. I want you to make me a great luchador. That nice man with the heavy accent. Will regret ever coming out of retirement! Why are you talking like that? This is my wrestler voice! I thought it was obvious. Oh, jeez! I don't know about this, Zeke. Fighting muy macho could be dangerous. Not with magic. I can't lose. Plus, I already got my cool wrestling name all picked out: Lava sus manos! That means "wash your hands." Oh, that makes sense. I read it on a sign in the men's bathroom. All right. If that is your wish, then you got it. Whoo! Thank you, my friend! Hey, guys! Are you coming to the lucha match tonight? I don't know if you've heard, but there's gonna be like. A really beautiful ring girl there. Oh, no way, I love lucha wrestling! - I know. - No, you don't, Max. It's barbaric. You're right, I never thought of it that way. It's barbaric. As you can tell, Mrs. Russo, Max and I are into cute things, Like making a snowman out of cotton balls. And dressing up kittens to look like famous people. - Uh-huh. - Really? That doesn't sound like you, Max. Is it true? No. No, it's not true. You know what? Talia, I can't do this anymore. I don't like chick flicks and I don't like opera music. And I only like dressing up kittens in little dog costumes. What are you saying? I'm saying my mom was right. We have nothing in common Whatsoever. We should probably break up. In fact, you should probably leave before you catch a glimpse of the real me, Because it's super gross. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, And welcome to tonight's main event! Making his triumphant return to the ring, We have the legendary luchador, muy macho! Alex, it is not in my character. To offer you a heartfelt thanks. For giving me this second chance. So, I will simply say I will not destroy you! Aww. That's what makes this all worthwhile. And in this corner, wearing a chicken costume. That doesn't match his name, We have the challenger, lava sus manos! Are you ready for some lucha wrestling? All right, Zeke, this is your one wish. Let's Make the best of it. Lucha ba boom! Well? How do you feel? I feel like lava sus manos is about to get his hands dirty! That's great. Justin, what's going on with Zeke? Why is he winning? I put a spell on him to make him a wrestler. That was his wish. What?! Smell your own foot, shoe salesman! Why did you convince me to do this, Alex? This is even more humiliating. Than being unmasked by a little girl! Don't worry, muy macho! I'm not gonna let you lose again! Lucha ba boom. But stronger! Oh Justin? What's going on?! I guess you should have asked to be an unbeatable luchador. Magic is very specific like that. Just Just get out of there! I can't! I need another wish! All I can give you is advice. Don't fight! Go limp! Go limp! It works for me! Hey, this is great, huh? Talia? What are you doing here? I came to apologize for the way I was treating you. And try to experience something you actually like for once. I'm having a lot of fun. This is just like that chick flick, heart of flowers. I'm the sloppy maid and you're the stuffy rich guy. In the end, we learn to appreciate each other's differences. And live the rest of our lives together in an old beach house. I'll always be your stuffy rich guy, Max. Aww. Oh, help! Come on, muy macho! Take him down! Oh, my gosh, Alex! I've finally figured out my one wish! World peace! Pretty good, huh? Yeah, yeah, Harper. That's great, ok? Here you go. Mommy! Oh, my gosh, Zeke's in trouble. Alex, you have to help him. I can't help him. Muy macho has to win. Why does muy macho have to win? It's a long story. Maybe this flashback will help you understand. Ay, no! You can show people your flashbacks? Yeah, I find it's quicker that way. Wasn't I cute back then? All right, I see your problem. But that doesn't change the fact that Zeke is getting destroyed up there. Ow! Going limp makes it worse! If you're not gonna help, I want to change my wish. Forget world peace. I want to beat muy macho senseless. For hurting my man. Harper, really? I mean Really, do you want to do that? World peace kinda sounds awesome. That is my wish! Do it now! Ok. Sorry, muy macho. Lucha ba boom, muy macho's doomed. - I'm coming, Zeke! - Hurry! One, two, three! We have a winner! And what's your wrestling name? Whatever the Spanish word is for "crazy, red-headed chick!" I can't be certain, Jerry, But I think all these people are cheering for me. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, muy macho. - I can't believe this happened again. - I know. I'm terrible. That scrawny kid and that girl beat me. I obviously have no business being a wrestler. No, I think you should try again. I think you can take that girl. No, Alex, I realized that I am perfectly happy. Being a successful shoe salesman. - So you're saying I actually helped you? - No! This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Well You did what you could. You had the best intentions. Just forget about it. This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Great. A new flashback.

{title:Magic Unmasked} Alex, get ready! Justin and Zeke are coming. Ever since Zeke found out about magic he's been so annoying. Aww. Now, that's love. You think he just became annoying. Zeke, I just told you. Sometimes we use our wands, But sometimes we just wave our hands around. Why is that so hard to understand? Gosh, I love how wizardry plays by its own rules! Ok, is there, like, a special gland in your body that secretes magic? And sometimes it gets all clogged up, and you have to pop it, And magic goes everywhere? Eww. All right, I'm upstairs if anyone needs me. Ooh, I wonder if "upstairs" is code for somewhere wizard-y. It isn't. Oh, I wonder if "it isn't" is code for something wizard-y. It is. I knew it! Zeke, you have to try to be more like Harper. When she found out about wizards. Ok? She didn't have a hard time with it at all. That's true, but to be fair, my circus-like childhood. Makes the most bizarre things seem normal. I'm sorry, Justin. It's just that I have so many questions. For example, can you cook a hot dog by sticking it on a wand? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to turn me into an alien dog named Kevin? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to fix the hair. That sticks up on the back of my head? - Oh, wait, we're good today. - Zeke, enough! I'll make you a deal. If you stop bothering me. With all of these ridiculous questions, Then I will grant you one magic wish. - Really? - Yes. Ok, then I want to go back in time into last week, When I bought this shirt, to get a green one instead. - Sounds good. - Whoo! Yes! Oh, can you use magic to make me blow bubbles out of my? everything is not what it seems well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze that the end will no doubt justify the means you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease yes, please but you might find out it'll go to your head when you write a report on a book you never read with the snap of your fingers you can make your bed that's what I said everything is not what it seems when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams you might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems be careful not to mess with the balance of things because everything is not what it seems Ok, mom. Talia and I are gonna go to the movies. Oh, really? What are you guys gonna see? A love story called heart of flowers. It's about two people who appear on the surface to be totally mismatched, Only to find out in the end they're perfect for one another. It really speaks to us. Listen, honey, I'm so sorry, but Max can't go. He's got chores to do. But, mom, I could just Shh, it's a chick flick. I'm trying to get you out of it. I know, and it promises to be very romantic, Which is perfect, because I love romantic things. Really? [Laughing] Sweetie, what is going on? You and talia have nothing in common. Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come on, talia. We have to stop. And get tissues for when we cry at the end. The big ones, 'cause I'm feeling very fragile these days. You have raised a wonderful son, Mrs. Russo. Yeah. And when you see him, can you send him home? Dad, dad! Look who just walked in here! That's muy macho. That's, like, my favorite lucha wrestler of all time. Hey, you're right! He's one of your biggest heroes. Get him to sign some of these cups, and we'll sell 'em. Oh, I shouldn't! Hi, excuse me. You're muy macho, aren't you? - I'm, like, one of your biggest fans ever. - Oh, well, thank you! But you know, nobody really calls me muy macho anymore. What do they call you now? El destroyer-o? Or, muy bone-crusher-o? Obviously, I don't speak Spanish. No, you don't. No. They call me Bob. That's my name. Bob macho. I now own a successful shoe store. Maybe you've heard about it: "Bob macho's successful shoe store." What? No, no, no. You can't be a boring shoe salesman. You're one of the meanest, toughest luchadores of all time. I mean, I remember when you made chimi the changa eat his own beard. That was the old me. I've given all that up to be a more peaceful, constructive citizen. Why would you do that? Well, because of what happened to me ten years ago. Right in the middle of a match, I slipped on a churro. And I fell into the front row of the crowd, where a little girl unmasked me. It was the only fight I ever lost, And the most disgraceful moment of my career. Eh, so I retired. Could you excuse me for one second? - I can't believe this. - Me neither. I mean, what kind of careless parent. Lets his little girl go to a wrestling match? Dad, that careless parent was you, And that little girl was me. Don't you remember? Yeah! Get him! Ooh, ooh! My churro! Ay, no! Wow. And, to think, all these years, I've remembered that day as the time. When I let a perfectly good churro get away. Look, Mr. Macho, I'm so sorry. That that little girl robbed you of your true calling. Oh, you don't have to apologize. I love my job. Every time I fit someone's feet, I make ten new friends. Yeah, ok, look. I know that you don't know me, that we just met, And I know you say you're happy, but I think I know what's best for you. So, how would you like another shot at wrestling? - Well, I - Alex, what are you doing? Dad, muy macho lost everything because of me. I have to make it up to him. So Mr. Macho, what do you say? Do you want to taste victory again? Well Well, I I guess it could be fun. Although who would get into the ring with an old washed-up wrestler like me? - No, no, my dad will do it. - He will? Yes. Because he knows how much it means to his only daughter. No! - I'll buy you a churro. - Ok, I'll do it. Great! Then it's settled. The mighty muy macho. Will return to the ring, so that he can erase the awful shame. That has been haunting him for the past ten years. - What? I'm not ashamed - No Need to thank me. It's just the kind of special person that I am. Mmm. I hope I can find my lucha mask. - My dog's been wearing it as pants. - Ah. Great news, mom. Dad is gonna get in the ring with a famous luchador. What? Jerry! I go to the kitchen for five minutes. And you arrange a fight with a professional wrestler? You lose your breath while cheering for wrestling. You can be the beautiful ring girl. Really? You'll be fine, Jerry. Harper, there you are. Zeke, what are you doing here? You already graduated. I got a job as a crossing guard so I could be close to you. In case I freaked out and needed to talk. Let me guess, you're freaking out. Yes! It's this magic wish that Justin's giving me. I don't know what to wish for! Like, what if I wish to live forever, But then fall into a dried-up well. And no one knows where to find me? I can't live in a dried-up well forever, Harper! I just can't! Maybe you should wish for a less active imagination. Attention please. There's just been a traffic accident outside. Unacceptable! Apparently the crossing guard left his post. Honey, now you should be freaking out. You know, maybe Zeke's right. Having a wish would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. How come you never gave me one of those? Because you hate it when I do magic. Yeah, but that's because I never had the opportunity. - To use it selfishly. - Selfish? Aww, I'm such a good role model for you. All right. You can have one wish. Oh, my gosh, really? Oh, I wish I had more time to think of a good wish. No! That's not my wish! I really need to think about this. Wish me luck. No, no, no! That's not it either! Oh! Oh! No, no, no. You look really nice today, Max. I'm so glad I told you to wear that suit. I agree. You know, talia, I don't know what my mom was talking about. When she said we didn't have anything in common. I know. We have tons of things in common. - Our love of opera music. - Yes. - Brussel sprouts. - Yum! Architectural walking tours. Yay. You like whatever I like. It's why we work. How do we feel about video games? Oh, we frown upon them. I was afraid we would say that. I'm looking for the man they call Jerry russo! Hey, look, everybody, it's Bob! What a great costume! Stick a roll in it, sandwich maker! The name is muy macho! Alex, you were right. Apparently, I'm not happy being the owner of a very successful shoe store. I am, and always have been, a perfectly chiseled. Fighting machine with no conscience whatsoever! - Muy macho is back! - That's right! In the ring, reducing grown men. To sniveling shells of their former selves! Ok, just so you know, that means he's really angry. He just tore a phone book in half! I am not fighting him! I could get hurt. Dad, dad, if you don't fight him, he can't win. How am I gonna make up for what I did to him? But I will fight muy macho! Zeke, what in the world are you talking about? I'm talking about fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine: To fight a mexican wrestler. I also had one to become a professional magician, But we all know how that turned out. I will see you in the ring, kid. Where I will make you hurt worse than a bunion. That has resulted from ill-fitting shoes! You sure you know what you're doing, buddy? Yes, yes, he's sure. He said it, right? Thank you, Zeke. Ok? The match will go on as planned. Dad, don't worry, it'll be all good. 'cause see, muy macho will beat Zeke, my conscience will be clear, And I can get rid of this haunting flashback. No, stop it! I've decided on my wish. I want you to make me a great luchador. That nice man with the heavy accent. Will regret ever coming out of retirement! Why are you talking like that? This is my wrestler voice! I thought it was obvious. Oh, jeez! I don't know about this, Zeke. Fighting muy macho could be dangerous. Not with magic. I can't lose. Plus, I already got my cool wrestling name all picked out: Lava sus manos! That means "wash your hands." Oh, that makes sense. I read it on a sign in the men's bathroom. All right. If that is your wish, then you got it. Whoo! Thank you, my friend! Hey, guys! Are you coming to the lucha match tonight? I don't know if you've heard, but there's gonna be like. A really beautiful ring girl there. Oh, no way, I love lucha wrestling! - I know. - No, you don't, Max. It's barbaric. You're right, I never thought of it that way. It's barbaric. As you can tell, Mrs. Russo, Max and I are into cute things, Like making a snowman out of cotton balls. And dressing up kittens to look like famous people. - Uh-huh. - Really? That doesn't sound like you, Max. Is it true? No. No, it's not true. You know what? Talia, I can't do this anymore. I don't like chick flicks and I don't like opera music. And I only like dressing up kittens in little dog costumes. What are you saying? I'm saying my mom was right. We have nothing in common Whatsoever. We should probably break up. In fact, you should probably leave before you catch a glimpse of the real me, Because it's super gross. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, And welcome to tonight's main event! Making his triumphant return to the ring, We have the legendary luchador, muy macho! Alex, it is not in my character. To offer you a heartfelt thanks. For giving me this second chance. So, I will simply say I will not destroy you! Aww. That's what makes this all worthwhile. And in this corner, wearing a chicken costume. That doesn't match his name, We have the challenger, lava sus manos! Are you ready for some lucha wrestling? All right, Zeke, this is your one wish. Let's Make the best of it. Lucha ba boom! Well? How do you feel? I feel like lava sus manos is about to get his hands dirty! That's great. Justin, what's going on with Zeke? Why is he winning? I put a spell on him to make him a wrestler. That was his wish. What?! Smell your own foot, shoe salesman! Why did you convince me to do this, Alex? This is even more humiliating. Than being unmasked by a little girl! Don't worry, muy macho! I'm not gonna let you lose again! Lucha ba boom. But stronger! Oh Justin? What's going on?! I guess you should have asked to be an unbeatable luchador. Magic is very specific like that. Just Just get out of there! I can't! I need another wish! All I can give you is advice. Don't fight! Go limp! Go limp! It works for me! Hey, this is great, huh? Talia? What are you doing here? I came to apologize for the way I was treating you. And try to experience something you actually like for once. I'm having a lot of fun. This is just like that chick flick, heart of flowers. I'm the sloppy maid and you're the stuffy rich guy. In the end, we learn to appreciate each other's differences. And live the rest of our lives together in an old beach house. I'll always be your stuffy rich guy, Max. Aww. Oh, help! Come on, muy macho! Take him down! Oh, my gosh, Alex! I've finally figured out my one wish! World peace! Pretty good, huh? Yeah, yeah, Harper. That's great, ok? Here you go. Mommy! Oh, my gosh, Zeke's in trouble. Alex, you have to help him. I can't help him. Muy macho has to win. Why does muy macho have to win? It's a long story. Maybe this flashback will help you understand. Ay, no! You can show people your flashbacks? Yeah, I find it's quicker that way. Wasn't I cute back then? All right, I see your problem. But that doesn't change the fact that Zeke is getting destroyed up there. Ow! Going limp makes it worse! If you're not gonna help, I want to change my wish. Forget world peace. I want to beat muy macho senseless. For hurting my man. Harper, really? I mean Really, do you want to do that? World peace kinda sounds awesome. That is my wish! Do it now! Ok. Sorry, muy macho. Lucha ba boom, muy macho's doomed. - I'm coming, Zeke! - Hurry! One, two, three! We have a winner! And what's your wrestling name? Whatever the Spanish word is for "crazy, red-headed chick!" I can't be certain, Jerry, But I think all these people are cheering for me. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, muy macho. - I can't believe this happened again. - I know. I'm terrible. That scrawny kid and that girl beat me. I obviously have no business being a wrestler. No, I think you should try again. I think you can take that girl. No, Alex, I realized that I am perfectly happy. Being a successful shoe salesman. - So you're saying I actually helped you? - No! This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Well You did what you could. You had the best intentions. Just forget about it. This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Great. A new flashback.

{title:Alex the Puppetmaster} Mom, Dad, great news. Since Harper and I graduated High School, we decided that we're ready to get our own apartment and move out! What do you think? I think they love it. - Oh, my goodness, let's start packing now. - Yeah! Wait a second! Did I hear you correctly? You graduated High School? Nice parenting! Listen, Alex You want to move out? I don't think you guys have thought this through. Doesn't matter. Because I have. I've actually been waiting for this moment for years. Here, check it out. Here's a blueprint of the house without Alex in it. Well, where's my room? Gone. I'm going to build my laboratory in it. Bonus, you can never move back in or visit. Alex, honey, moving out is a very big deal. For one thing, you're gonna need money, for things like food, rent Oh, come on, Alex and I agreed years ago that when we had enough money saved, we'd move out. - Right, Alex? - Yeah. What about utilities? Where are you gonna get the money for that? Oh, I just figured I'd take some from here. Those are utensils. Well, then I don't know what utilities are so I probably don't need 'em. Oh, really? So you don't need gas, heat, water, phone? You know, usually roommates share the cost of those things. Did you know about all that? Yes, Alex, I knew we'd need water. If you two can earn enough money to move out, that will prove how serious you are, and we'd be supportive. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you, thank you! Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Mom, Dad, Talia just told me her parents want to meet you guys so they can get a sense of my family. I can't even make sense of this family, how are they gonna do it? You know what's worse than meeting parents? Meeting the kind of parents that want to meet other parents. Yeah, you should just put 'em off for a little while. All right, I'll put 'em off for two hours. They're coming over for lunch. Oh, I hate meeting new people. But I do like lunch. It's There's I'm torn! Justin, I just heard your sister's moving out. Now we can take over her room. "Operation: Sister's Moving Out is in high gear. Ver Her Room" We're gonna have enough room moonscape biosphere! e I'm Harper's latest craft project, Venus Paloma. Harper, please stop playing with puppets. I'm trying to figure out a way to make money. All right, what do we have that people would pay for? That's a cute puppet. Are you doing a show? Hey, quiet, little girl! We're trying to think of a way we can make money. Sorry, but I just wanted to know where I can buy a ticket for the puppet show. Kid, please! Don't make me tell you again. Wait a minute! That puppet lovin' little girl just gave me an idea. We could make money by putting on a puppet show! That's a terrific idea! I'm ready to be a rock star! OK, then it's settled. You make another marionette, and I'll write a script about two oddball friends making their way in the world. OK, and we'll build the puppet stage to make sure you move out. All right, guys, Talia's parents are on their way up. So let me give you a tip, so you have plenty to talk about. - OK. - They love the Mets and they like going to the movie theater. Perfect. Your father and I love that stuff. That's why we get along so well. On Saturday afternoons, I go to a ball game, and your mom goes to a movie about feelings. All right, that's them. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson, welcome to our home. These are my parents, Theresa and Jerry. And these are my parents, Rob and Meg. - Oh, so nicto meet you. - Lovely to meet you. - Oh, come on in. - Hi. - How you doing? - Hi. Did you prep your parents? This is really important. Yeah, I told them your parents love the movies and the Mets. No! No, I said they like going to the Met. Short for "Metropolitan Opera House." And going to the theater for plays. Oh, OK. Uh, they're not prepped at all, then. So, Rob, Meg We love the Mets so much. How about you guys? We were just there on Saturday. Just a splendid production. Oh, when they beat the Phillies? What? Someone got beaten at the Metropolitan Opera House? No, no, I'm talking about the baseball team, the Mets. But if someone got beaten at the opera house Ha-ha! I actually might go. Uh To save them! My dad would go anywhere to save an opera lover. We go to the opera all the time. We place a ridiculously high value on education and cultural awareness. Yes, our family motto is, "The more you know it's still not enough." Obviously, the Russes care about learning, too. I mean, look how many books they have on reality show celebrities. See, the thing is, we really don't get to go to the opera often, 'cause, you know, we're too busy going to the movies. I have a feeling you can relate to that. Actually, no, we don't go to the movies. We prefer live theater. Well, we went to the theater once, But, you know, the show seemed to end, like, right in the middle of the story. I didn't get it. That was the intermission. You see Jerry, I told you there was more. You know? We don't think this is an intellectually stimulating environment for Talia. I don't even have to confer with my wife on this. Perhaps it's best that Max and Talia don't see each other anymore. Well hold on. You're saying we can't see each other anymore because what, my parents don't go to the opera house and they like the wrong kind of Mets? We also don't like your books. Talia, let's go. - Mom, Dad, please - Talia, let's go. Talia, I tried. Goodbye, Max. All right, sorry I'm late. I overslept and didn't have a chance to write the script. But I am well-rested so that is good. Excuse me? You didn't write the script? ÍDon't worry, Harper, we'll just wing it. Oh yeah, we'll just wing it. Yeah, you know, I made puppets, they made a stage. We all did what we said we were going to do, except for you. Don't you care about us moving out? Of course I do, Harper. They're just kids. They love anything you put in front of them. Look, we'll just be, like, "Hello, puppet. How are you?" You'll be, like, "Hello, puppet. I'm good, how are you?" Right? Not bad, huh, kids? Yeah? Sorry, kids. Show's canceled due to laziness. Aww - Wait a minute! - There's no show? Zeke, you need to do something, or we can kiss our plexi-dome moonscape biosphere goodbye. Hey, kids! Puppet shows are great, but you know what's better? Mimes! Whoa! Look, I can pull a rope! It goes on forever! Wow, how about a donation, folks, huh? Come on, put some money in the hat. Come on. Put your hat back on, mister. I'm not a "mister," I am in my late teens! Way to go, Alex. Once again, you've earned no money for our apartment. What are you so mad about, Harper? We'll just figure out another way to make money and move out. You don't get it, do you? If I can't rely on you for a simple puppet show, how could I ever rely on you for something more important, like sharing an apartment? I'm not moving out with you, Alex. I'm moving out on my own. Max, you all right? I'm just writing Talia's name on my arm in mustard. I really miss her. I'm sorry, man. Maybe I can help. OK, there's only one "L" and you need an "A" at the end. Thanks, man, but there's no point in me learning to spell her name now. Mom and Dad didn't make a good first impression when they met her parents. Yeah, of course they didn't. They don't im-press people, - they de-press people. - I just I just wish there was a way that they could meet all over again, you know? Hold on There is! You could use the "clean slate" spell, so Talia's parents don't remember meeting our parents. - Really? - Yes. Wow, you're usually not the one telling me to use magic to fix my problems. I know. But, I do know what it's like to have loved and lost a girl. Twice. And then another girl. And I don't want that to happen to you. Does the spell work through the phone? All spells work through the phone now. It's not 1991. All right, I'm calling the Robinsons. Rob Robinson speaking. Hj, um Is your wife in the room with you by any chance? Yes, she's in the middle of practicing her violin but I'd be happy to interrupt her. OK, do it now! Robinsons and Russes, clean the slate, meet again and change your fate! All right. Now I guess I just call back and invite the Robinsons over. Meg Robinson speaking. Hello, Meg. This is Theresa Russo, Max's mother. Ooh, hi, Mrs. Russo. Do you have a cold? You sound like a teenage boy. Thank you. Listen, why don't you guys come over around six tonight? Jerry and I think it's about time we met you guys. Ooh, I'd have to cancel my violin lesson Oh, I'll make sure that happens. We'll be there. Hello, Annie. I'm home. I bought us groceries for our new apartment. Cool. Just put 'em in the cooking room. These bags are heavy. - Can you help? - Sure, I'll help you. Whew, I'm exhausted! I'm gonna lay down and take a nap. But you didn't even help me. Well, you know how unreliable I am. I can't even carry my own weight. Yeah, that's why I'm a hero for just being friends with you. The end! Oh, thank you, guys. Thanks for coming to the show. Oh, I see it's allowance week, Jimmy. Thank you. That Annie didn't lift a finger. Right? - Hey, guys. - Harper, great show! Where did you come up with all these characters out of thin air? Annie really reminded me of somebody. Just Really, you couldn't tell that that was a thinly-veiled attack on Alex? I could tell. She reminded me of Alex! So you want us to meet the Robinsons all over? Wait, weren't we humiliated enough the first time? Dad, Talia is my first real girlfriend, all right? And you guys ruined it. You gave us terrible information. And you listened to me. Which some people would say is worse. Look, Justin did a spell so her parents don't remember any of it. What do you say? Come on, Ma, Jerry Wanna give this anotheshot? I don't think so, Max. Great, that's them. Let's do this! OK, fine. - Hi. - Hello. - Oh, hello. - Hi, I'm Meg Robinson. My husband, Rob. It's so nice to finally meet Max's parents. Yes, so nice to meet you, too. You know, we've talked about it so much, I feel like we've already met you. - Come on in. - Hello. Hi, Rob, I'm Jerry. Those calluses on my hands are not from me playing baseball, but they're from me rubbing my chin while thinking. Yes, um, my dad does a lot of thinking. He was on the thinking team back in college. You know what I'm thinking about right now? A book I'm reading about the Met. Not the baseball team, the Mets. I bet there's some culturally unaware people ãthat might confuse the two. Sometimes I have to force Jerry to stop reading about the Met before we go to the Met. We like the opera so much more than the movies. That's nice. What's your favorite opera? Her favorite opera is Winfrey. What? Opera Winfrey, Ma. You watch it every day. He's kidding. Ha-ha-ha! I have an idea. Let's all go see Wagner's The Ring. It's playing at the Met tonight. Oh, that would be wonderful! Pardon me for interrupting this great time, but is it OK if I still see your daughter? Absolutely. This is obviously a culturally stimulating environment for Talia. We haven't found anyone else's parents to be sophisticated enough to sit through 16 hours of The Ring. What? Sixteen hours? Yes. Ah, I wish it were longer, too. Oh this is gonna be a great evening! So fun! In 17 hours, I am so gonna get you. Harper is still out there making tons of money making fun of me. But I will say that that Annie has an undeniable charm. Alex, You need to make things right with Harper, so I can fulfill my dream and building a plexi-dome moonscape biosphere in your room. All right, where should I put the dual power generator? This is gonna be how we generate electricity in the biosphere. Hit it! See Alex, Zeke and I can work together. Why can't you and Harper? I can't breathe. Well, Harper and I don't need to work together. I'm going to do my own show and move out by myself. But you don't know how to make marionettes. Oh, yes I do. Turn this clever spell-caster into Alex, the puppet master. Oh, no! That sounds like a spell! Hey, I did not agree to be turned into a puppet! Oh, these lederhosen are way nicer than mine. It's showtime. Annie, it's time to get out of bed. I only get up on weekends! I'm gonna need a stage. Build a puppet stage to earn a hefty wage. Hey, everybody! Come check out this marionette show. You're gonna like it so much better. Lady, please help me. I'm being forced to do this against my will. Zeke! Just do the show, man. Do it for us. Do it for the plexi-dome moonscape biosphere. Now, come on, let's dance. The people love it. Come on. Dance, Zeke! Stop! Must resist the strings. Everybody stop! Don't go! There's more! Heather is about to accuse Annie of being selfish, irresponsible, and of stealing her audience. All right, we get it. Annie's the cool one. Justin, Zeke is resisting. JustJust turn him around and I'll kick him into helping. Oh, stop it! Stop! I am not stopping until you do the show! Stop, stop! Please stop! I'll do it. All right, I'll do it! - I'm out of here. - Zeke! I'm not your puppet! Zeke! What about our biosphere? Remote control marionettes. How 'bout that? Now that's a show! Pay her, Mom. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much. Congratulations, Alex. It looks like you're the one who gets to move out. It's the Annie and Heather Show. Yay! When we last left them, they were in the middle of an ugly argument about irresponsible Annie with a heart of gold. Look, Heather, I made tons of dough, so we can get an apartment. I'm not gonna move out without you. Aw, Annie, you're not perfect, but you usually come through after a bad situation. We're best friends forever. Seriously, we are. I know! But I can't wait for bad things to happen for you decide to do the right thing. I have to be able to count on you. That sounds like a warning, like we're gonna be living together. Promise you'll pull your own weight? - I promise. - And respect the chore chart? And Chore chart? - Only if you respect my sleeping chart. - No. All right, I didn't want to go through the trouble of making a chart anyway. It's a deal. They didn't see us, did they? No No. We've got our plan. What kind of language is that and how can everybody follow with? Hey! What's going on? You guys are supposed to be at the opera with Talia's parents. We snuck out! Yeah! We're gonna go upstairs, take a nap, and get something to eat then sneak back in. They'll never know. Don't you think that they'll notice when the light comes up for the mission? That's right. There's an intonation. Oh Jerry, we have to go back. Come on. I'm still gonna get you in 13 hours. Hi Talia. Oh it's kute. Clean that up.

{title:Zeke Finds Out} Okay. I've just finished suffling the deck and will now pick out the very card Justin chose moments ago, using only my magic, magic, magic! Boom! Is this your card? - No. - OK, all right. - Boom! Is this your card? - No. OK. All right, it's gotta be here somewhere. Zeke, the card is still in my pocket. You never put it back into the deck. Right. Is this your card? - Yeah! Oh! - Ah! So, it looks like Zeke has a new hobby. - Yep. - And it sounds like you love it. Nope. And now, for my next trick I'll need a volunteer to lend me some money. Any size bill will do. All right, well, I got a five, - I have a 20 - Twenty, OK, great. Zeke, I have smaller bills! Not to worry, Max. Because, before your very eyes, I'm gonna squeeze this bill back together using only my magic, magic! Abraca Oh, it didn't work. Zeke, you know what I think you did wrong? You weren't squeezing hard enough. Why don't you try it again? Oh, OK. - Alex, what are you doing? - The same thing I always do. Entertaining myself when the entertainment is not entertaining me. Oh, my gosh! There's a baby duck in my hand! Where did this baby duck come from? Wow, that is a great trick, Zeke. Zeke, thank you so much for this duck. I can't wait to raise it and sell its milk. Justin, how did I do that? I don't know, but a good magician never reveals his secrets. Alex, you practically exposed magic to Zeke. Do you know what that's gonna do to us in the wizard competition? It wasn't that big of a deal. If he starts asking questions, I am not covering for you. Well, I cover for you all the time. When people say you're uptight, I say, "Oh, you should try living with him." Look, Alex, Justin's right. You always use magic for your own amusement, and then we have to cover for you. But, did you see how happy Zeke was when he thought he pulled off that trick? I do wuv that wittle ducky. Oh, I'm gonna go make him a chicken outfit. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Hey, Zeke. Listen, I've got a little proposition for you. You ever considered a career as a professional magician? 'Cause I want to be in the Zeke Beekerman business. Yeah, it's always been a dream of mine, but I've also wanted to be a masked wrestler. But that's never gonna happen. Well, let me tell ya, as a magician, you are a true talent. Now here's what I'm gonna be your manager. Do you have an awesome magician name we can work off of? No, I don't. I'm still trying to figure out how I did that trick. Zeke, your eyes are on the wrong thing. You gotta think big. From now on, you're gonna be called the Amazing Zeke-ini. That sounds like "zucchini." I love it. Even better. "The Amazing Zucchini." Do you see what I've already done for you? Something amazing's going on here. And I think I know what it is. Harper, can I talk to you outside for a second? All right. Don't freak out, but when I did that magic trick with Max's money, everything is not what it seemed. What do you mean? Harper, do you believe in the existence of wizards? - Wizards? - Shh! Because, after what I saw today, I know they exist. What?! No, that's crazy. Alex is not a wizard! Of course Alex isn't a wizard. I am. Excuse me? How else could I have conjured up that baby duck? I totally have magical wizard powers. Unless you have a better explanation. Um, uh Maybe you were making scrambled eggs, and you cracked one, and you didn't see that there was a baby duck inside it, and it got stuck between your fingers, and You're a wizard. Listen, don't tell anyone else about this. We don't know how the rest of the world might react - to someone as powerful as me. - Oh, I won't tell anybody. You're the best, Harper Finkle. Gosh, it finally feels so good to understand why I've never fit in on this planet. Whoo! Yeah! I am not a normal person! Whoo! Maybe later. Great! Whoo! Nice job, Alex. Thanks to you I had to lie to Zeke's face, 'cause he thinks he's a wizard. Oh, my gosh. Could you imagine Zeke as a wizard? That'd be hilarious. "Oh no, I messed up the spell. I turned my legs into licorice. There's another reason I can't wear shorts!" Waa! Justin's right. You took it too far this time. What is the big deal? The big deal is that it's already bad enough that I have to keep a secret from my boyfriend, but now I'm straight-up lying to him, too? You have to tell him the truth, Alex. I can't tell him the truth, Harper. That would be exposing wizardry. - Well then, fine, I'll do it. - You can't do that. That could get me kicked out of the wizard competition for good. I know you're wizards, and I'm keeping the secret. - Zeke will, too. - How? Zeke says everything that pops into his head. Have you heard the kid go down the stairs? Step, step, step, step. Waa! That is only when there's no handrail. Harper, if you tell him the truth, that would be crossing the line. I don't think I could ever forgive you for that. Look, just Don't worry. - I'll handle it. - Fine. Until then, I'll just keep lying to the ones I love. Oh, hey, your hair looks super good today, Alex. - Thank you. - Oh, I lied again. Waa! Hey, Justin, what are you doing? - Just sweeping up. - Yeah. I remember when I had to use a broom to sweep stuff up. What are you talking about? Nothing, nothing. Shouldn't have said anything. - OK. - I wasn't going to tell you, but you're pulling it out of me. OK. Remember when I did that magic trick today? That was real magic. I'm a wizard. I'm sorry. Did you say wizard? Keep it down, man! I know this may be hard for you to process as a man of science, but yes, I am definitely a wizard. Sorry, Justin, looks like I'm the cool one now. Zeke, I'm pretty sure wizards don't exist. Zeke, big news. I got you your first gig. What do you think about performing in Las Vegas? - I love it! - Yeah? Well, maybe with some luck and a better manager, you'll be there one day. But, for now, it's gonna be a kid's birthday party. We're gonna do it right here in the Sub Station. One second. Go for Max. Can you believe that? A magic show with a real wizard. This is gonna be the greatest show ever. Excuse me for a minute, Zeke. I gotta go talk to Alex. Hey, hey. Don't tell her I'm a wizard. She seems like the kind of person who might take advantage of magic. Hey, that's my sister you're talking about. And you are absolutely right. Have you seen the cover to the tomato sauce? Oh, so you want me to cover for you again? Guess what, Alex? Zeke is gonna do a magic show in front of a bunch of people. Oh, he's terrible. So that means it's gonna be hilarious. I know he's terrible, you know he's terrible. But Zeke? He doesn't know he's terrible. He thinks he's a wizard. - Oh, so he told you, too? - Mm-hmm. Oh, but don't worry about it, Justin, because Alex says she's gonna handle it. - Ooh! - I am, OK? I totally have a plan to fix this. Great. What is it? Are you ready, because you're gonna love this. You are stalling. She's stalling. I am gonna wait for Zeke to realize that he's not a wizard when his magic act fails. And it'll be hilarious for all of us. Yeah, that should work. It's pretty good. Wait, so your plan is to let my boyfriend humiliate himself? I can't let that happen. Zeke, honey, are you sure you want to do a magic show? It may not turn out like you think. Of course I want to do it. I'm great at magic. It's almost as if I were a real wizard. I think I'm with Harper on this one, Zeke. I, uh I don't think you should go through with it. What? Why aren't you guys supporting me on this? I mean, I understand Justin. I'm just cooler than you. But, Harper, you're my girlfriend. I know. I just I don't think it's a good idea. I finally find my true calling, and you guys are trying to talk me out of it? I don't get it. I thought we had a better relationship than this. This isn't about our relationship, Zeke. Well, then, what's it about? I can't tell you. You're keeping secrets from me? - We don't do that. - I know we don't. - So tell me. - I can't. Well, if you can't tell me, Harper Finkle, then I have to break up with you. I hope you're happy, Alex. I kept your secret. Is this as hilarious as you thought it'd be? Harper. Have you been up all night knitting this? I'm not talking to you! Harper, I didn't think Zeke would break up with you. I feel so bad. Look, I'm gonna take care of this. - Bad! - What? That's what you said before, and look what happened. Stop taking care of it! Hello, everybody. Thank you for coming today. I'd like to wish a very happy birthday to little Mickey Scudamore. And now, I present to you, the Amazing Zucchini! Zeke, get out of the trunk! Uh Sorry, the Amazing Zucchini was in the bathroom. You started early. The Amazing Zucchini, everybody! Thank you. Thank you. Tonight, you will see an amazing world of magic. - Magic, magic. - Magic, magic, magic. All right! Justin, have you seen Harper? She's upstairs bawling her eyes out. I really messed up this time. You think? Thanks for telling me. I had no clue. We need to do something. I think that we should tell Zeke the truth. Alex, we cannot tell Zeke. That'd be breaking the number one wizard rule. I know, I know. And there's a reason that Max is in the lead. - We cannot tell Zeke. - You're right. That's why we are so far behind OK, I get it! Great, Mickey! Hey! That guy just tore up my money. That 20's coming off of the bill. Not to worry. I am the Amazing Zucchini. And I'm his assistant, Pickle. - We didn't discuss this. - You're right, you're right. The Amazing Pickle. Hey, Zeke? I have something to tell you. - Gosh, she's gonna tell him. - We have to do something. Zeke, listen, there's something I'm busy, Harper. Get out of here. Whoa, what a trick, huh, folks? Zucchini and Pickle are incredible! That's right. I did it. It's coming from my hands. That's where the power is! All right! Yeah! Whoo! How did Alex! Hi, Gordon. See you in P.E.! And now, the Amazing Zucchini will perform his greatest trick. I'm gonna saw Pickle in half! - Oh, no. - The saw is real. Zeke, this one is too dangerous. Put the saw down. Aw, come on. This is his greatest trick. It's fine, Justin. I got this. Guys, calm down. It's all an illusion. He's a great magician. No, he's not. The saw is real. I used magic to fake Zeke's trick yesterday. Now he thinks he's a wizard with magical powers. Then get me out of this thing before that caped freak saws me in two! Saw him, saw him! You still don't want to use magic? Chancy meat, schmancy treat, fancy feet is now complete. I cut him in half without using the saw. Aw, somebody catch my feet! Whoa, I've never seen this before. Good one! Don't worry, I'll get it. I can't believe you flashed me back to school. You were going to tell Zeke. What kind of a friend are you? Look, Harper, I want to tell Zeke too, but I can't! We can't. You're just gonna have to accept that! I can't accept that because it's ruining my life! Everybody, calm down. Stop! Oh, no! I'm out of control. I've frozen the entire world forever. I feel so alone. Zeke. You're not frozen? I am losing my mind! Zeke, listen to me, OK? You are not a wizard. I am. This is no time for jokes, Justin. I froze the entire world! Oh, what kind of monster am I?! Zeke, you did not do any of this, OK? I did. I am a wizard. - I even have a wand. - This cheap-looking stick that's always sticking out of your back pocket? Justin, why are you lying to me? - I'm the real wizard. - Really? Yeah, I'm the one who made the baby duck appear, I'm the one who made my ex-girlfriend disappear, and if you hadn't noticed, everyone is frozen. Where are we?! What just happened? Zeke, Zeke, calm down. Why is this window all lopsided? You have a closet of fog! Calm down! And gargoyles wearing sunglasses, man! And what is going on?! Zeke Oh, my gosh. - You're a wizard. - Yes. Don't hurt me, wizard freak. Zeke, no one is gonna hurt you, OK? I am here for you. I am still your best friend. - Really? - Yes. Oh It all makes sense now. That's why you and Alex showed up in Night of the Halloween Sorority Party Disaster 2, when you weren't even in Night of the Halloween Sorority Party Disaster 1! And that's why I saw that dog turn into a werewolf. It was Mason! Whoa! - OK, let's take a seat. - Oh! Whoa! Let's let it all settle in. OK. Now that you know, you cannot tell anyone. Alex and Max are also wizards. The only other people who know are my parents and Harper. - Harper? - Mm-hmm. Oh, my gosh. Oh, what have I done? That's the only reason she didn't want me to do magic. She didn't want me to make a fool of myself. Oh. I should have never broken up with her. - You should tell her that. - You're right. I will. How far are we from the sub shop? I don't have any cab fare either, so We're, uh closer than you think. Man, your weird magic laboratory really is in your vegetable cooler. Man, I should have known. Your family spends a lot of time in there. I think it's time to get this party re-started. You OK? OK? This is the best day of my life. Gosh, I just learned my best friend is a wizard. - Let's do it, Justini! - Don't call me that. Let's move this party along. Time to cut the cake. You just made that cake appear out of nowhere! Is it chocolate? - Now it is. - Oh, ho! Sweet. All right. Tick tock. Time was stopped. Bang the gong. Time moves on. Hey, everybody! Who's ready for some cake? Right over there. Hey, legs. Get us a corner piece with lots of frosting. Go. I'm not gonna argue with you anymore, OK? Justin will not let me, let you tell Zeke that we're wizards. I just told Zeke we're wizards. What?! The secret was coming in-between everyone. I made the decision, I will accept the consequences. Don't worry, I will never tell anyone, I swear. You better swear, because if you do, you will live the rest of your life in our closet of fog. We have a closet of fog? I want to see that. Harper, I am so sorry I was such a jerk to you before. I guess all that fake magic power really went to my head. I hope you'll take me back. Of course I'll take you back, Zeke. I missed you so much. Come here. Can I just apologize, too, Harper? - You don't need to. - Yes, I do. I was careless with magic, and I put you in a really tough spot. - And I'm sorry. - And I'm sorry I said I don't care about the wizard competition. I do. There's a wizard competition? OK, OK. Who do you guys think would win in a brawl? Wizards, aliens, or sharks with lasers attached to their heads? Oh, do you guys need batteries for your wands, or you just like zap it and it comes to life, and you're just like, "Give me my wand!" Ha, ha! This is no longer cute, put his voice on mute. Thank you. What's this pen-like thing do? It's a pen. It writes. Awesome! I've never seen anything like these desks before. Yes, you have. I got them at the Desk Barn. You were there. You picked them out. Magical knickknacks! Yes! Maybe we should ease Zeke into the magic. He still has a hard time with the ordinary things. What?! A magical comfy chair! Oh, let me try it, let me try it, let me try it. Oh, my gosh. It really is magical. It's It's comfy! What?!

{title:Everything's Rosie for Justin} And that's my friend. It's incredible story of the day I thought I found a dragon fossil but it just turned out to be an old rock. Any questions? Yes. How is it possible that you and I are related? Alex, this is "Show and Tell," an exercise that requires we all be supportive of what one another brings in. And I brought in a fuzzy squirrel frog. What kind of thoughtless fool brings that?! You're still the most supportive teacher I've ever had. Whatever you do, just keep that thing locked up. Fuzzy squirrel frogs eat human toes. So, if you guys don't mind, I'm gonna teach class sitting criss-cross applesauce. Take a knee, delinquents. Oh, we have a visitor. - How you doing, sweater vest? - Hi. The name is Penny Nichols from WizTech. I'm here to inform you that you're all required to perform a wand drill. Ooh, a wand drill. This sounds like fun. A wand drill is a choreographed routine of wand-twirling and spell-casting in order to instill teamwork. It takes discipline, coordination, and the grace of a gazelle. Watch and learn. Ooh! Ahh! Ta-da. I'm sorry, I don't think I'm gonna be able to do that. It's a little too what's the word? Exercise-y. Well, all members of the class have to participate in order to pass. And if you do pass, well, then, you graduate from this Delinquent Studies class and go right back into WizTech. Oh, here's the information they'll be expected to know. I hope three days is long enough to prepare, 'cause that's all I'm giving you. Bye-bye! Did you guys hear that? If we pass the wand drill, I'll have successfully graduated all of you. You and I might have enough points to get back in the wizard competition. Connecting the dots. It doesn't even look that hard. - It's just this little pamphlet. - Yeah. - OK. - Mmm. A little bit. It's oh. OK. More. All right, this is gonna take me like three days - to just close up. - OK. Don't worry about it, guys. Do not worry. We will hunker down, immerse ourselves in the material. With the right amount of determination and concentration, there is nothing that can stand in our way. Excuse me. Is this Justin Russo's class? I'm Rosie, your new student. All right, everyone, let's drop everything and get to know Rosie. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems But you can see how it looks like a dragon fossil. It does. You know, you should put it on a chain and make it a necklace for someone special. That is a great idea. And, uh think I have that special person in mind. Is it me, Mr. Justin? Justin, can you please focus? We have a lot of work to do here. Right, right. The wand drill. We'll get back to that later, Rosie. In the meantime, I will tell you the same thing I tell I am currently single and I occasionally say very romantic things off the top of my head. What was that noise? Did it sound like the beating wings of a majestic bird? 'Cause it was probably my heart. - Oh, that was romantic. - Yeah. But no, I'm pretty sure that was the sound of a fuzzy squirrel frog. Yep, it's mine. He got out. All right, nobody panic. Nobody panic. We are all gonna be calm and handle this There it is! Run! All right, guys. Take a look around and tell me what's wrong. Oh! The menu has a bunch of typos. There's a really confusing subway theme. The napkins are from Bill's Szechuan Buffet. No, no! Hello! We don't have any customers. We need to figure out a way to get people to buy our sandwiches. Have you considered buying fresher and better-tasting ingredients? Hey, you guys Maybe the answer's right in front of us. We need to figure out a way to exploit Max's new cute face to get people to buy our sandwiches. I mean, look at this face! Jerry, if cuteness was all it took to run a successful restaurant, I think I would have capitalized on that by now. Well, what about offering punch cards? Buy 9 sandwiches, get the tenth one free. Oh, yeah. I got one of those at the video store, but I always lose it before I get anything for free. We're doing that. Yes! Harper, you design the punch card and we can publish it in next week's Waverly Weekly. As long as you keep my disgusting cute face out of this. Honey, you know what's not cute? People talking about their own cuteness. Can you believe her? For the next part of the drill, we will continue the same steps and we will pass an object magically back and forth. For convenience, we will use the lamp from the living room. Yeah? That'll be nice. All right. Begin. OK, good. Focus, pass it off to Alex. Alex, good job. Felix. Look at that wrist technique. Good job. Focus, pass it off to Rosie. Sorry, guys, that was my fault. Again. It's OK. We do not assign blame in my class. Besides, it was Felix's fault. What? I didn't even pass it to her. It's this guy's fault! I don't want to let you down. You could not let me down. The only way you could let me down is if I let you let me down, and I will not let you let me down. Excuse me, family time. What is the matter with you? Can you stop focusing on Rosie and get back on the wand drill? I am not focusing on Rosie. Hi. It might surprise you, Alex, but I am capable of treating a very, very beautiful woman in the exact same way that I treat the rest of you ordinary people. You're doodling her name on your clipboard. Yeah, because she's new. That's how you remember her name. OK, well, Nelvis is new, too. Why aren't you doodling his name? - Who? - Nelvis. He started today, too. You didn't notice me because I came in behind the really hot girl. I know the new kid. You stop looking at her. Justin, wha What are you doing? Making a necklace for Rosie. Like I do for all my new students. Really? Where's the one for Nelvis? Right here. Nelvis loves salt. Well, I'm sure Rosie will love the necklace when you give it to her as a going away present, because you have to kick her out. Kick her out? We're never gonna pass this wand drill if she's in it. And you're so gaga over her that you can't see she's bringing us down. - Give her the bootski. - I'm not giving her the bootski, OK? All she needs is a little one-on-one help. All right? I'll work with her. And who's gonna work with us? You're gonna throw everything away that we've been working so hard on to get back in the competition for some girl that you barely even know. I know her. Good. 'Cause I have no idea who you are. Ooh, look, we have a customer! Hello, welcome to the Waverly Sub Station. - May we help you? - You sure can. I'll take a Number Four sandwich, then you can punch this card. - Number Four coming up! - Well, that didn't take long. These punch cards are a great idea, Harper. - Here you go. - Thanks. Thank you. Oh, I sure hope I don't lose my punch card before I get my free sandwich. You could only hope. Yes! Why didn't we think about doing this years ago? This is so much better than those flyers you left on all those cars. I didn't know it was a junkyard. Oh, no, he's back. The complaint box is over there. No, I'm here for my free sandwich. My card is completely punched. That's impossible. You were just here a minute ago with only one punch. Sorry, that doesn't ring a bell. You punched these out yourself to get a free sandwich. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Here you go, sir. Thanks, cutie. Call me that again, and your card won't be the only thing that gets punched. Oh, Justin. I love it. This is so sweet of you. Right, well, don't be thrown when I give one to Nelvis. I kind of have to. I think I'm the one that should be giving you something for helping me with this wand drill. Right. Right. - Well, let's let's get to it then. - OK. Just you and I in here with no distractions. OK, uh Quick! Levitate this vase. It was in the air longer than the last one. I'm so sorry, Justin. No, it's OK. Let's try something a little simpler. How about you make this mess disappear? OK, uh A disappearing spell. That's right. This one is so easy, I do it in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and my alarm clock's gone! I can't do it. You didn't even say the disappearing spell. You were standing there fanning me. You have to say words, too? Oh, my gosh. Look, look, uh Rosie, I'm sorry, but I don't think this extra help is gonna work out. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my class. What? I'm sorry. It's just This test is really important. It wouldn't be fair to the rest of my students if you stayed here. OK. I guess this is goodbye. OK, let's just make it quick. Which is gonna be impossible, because you don't know how to flash out. Just stop. Listen up, everyone. I would like to inform you that Rosie is no longer in our class. I asked her to leave, since she was gonna keep you guys from moving forward. That's the kind of hard decision that a strong leader is willing to make. Excuse me. I have to leave because I have something in my eye. Thanks for the salt shaker necklace. Aw, man, Mr. Justin's in no condition to help us. We should just quit. Ah, yeah, that feels right. Now, now Now, normally, I would be all for giving up without a fight, but this wand drill is too important. Come on, Alex. How's a rag-tag team of misfits like us expected to beat the odds? Know what you guys need? An inspirational speech. OK. We can succeed without Justin. Hey, if we believe in each other, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. So I say, fellow delinquents: We can do it. I think. We can do it, I think. We can do it, I think. We can do it, I think! Yeah! I think. All right, everybody, let's get our free sandwiches in an orderly fashion. Excuse me. We haven't seen any of you in this restaurant before, so there's no way you guys could have bought the 9 sandwiches required to get a free one. And guess what? We changed our promotion. Yeah, you have to buy 10 sandwiches to get the 11th one for free. Oh, come on! We want our free sandwiches! Jerry! They're gonna bankrupt us. I mean, I knew it could happen eventually, but I figured the Health Department would shut us down first. Max, this is all your fault. If you'd only let your father exploit your obnoxiously cute face, we wouldn't be in this mess. Fine. I'll save your butts with my face. Oh, my gosh. People are taking free sandwiches from my mommy and daddy. What's going to happen to me? I won't have money for school or books or bows for my hair! Aww! No bows for this cute little girl? Ohh! We can't take advantage of this place. Come on, let's go to the frozen yogurt shop. If we buy a cup, we can sit at the topping bar and eat all day. Thank you. Thank you! Oh. Thank you, Max. That could have been a disaster. I think we all learned a very valuable lesson today. Yes, we did. We buy one yogurt, you can feed the whole family. Grab your coats! Come on. Ready, go! Together. Nice, point. Good. Good, and shimmer. Yes, we did it! You're my new Mr. Justin, but pretty. Aww. Hey, guys. I want to wish you luck on your wand drill. I'm sure Justin told you, but he kicked me out of class because he doesn't think I'm good enough. 'Kay, bye! This is the part where you're supposed to tell me that I wasn't that bad to spare my feelings. Who wants a sandwich? - I do! - Yeah, great. Rosie, wait. Sorry, nothing personal. To be honest, I'm kind of surprised my brother kicked you out of the class. Can you give this back to him? He made it for me. He's so sweet. Wait, you like him back? Yeah. I mean, I came here expecting to find a teacher, and instead I found this really sweet, smart guy who I would love to get to know better. But I guess it's not meant to be. Wait. Look I'm the one who pressured him into kicking you out of the class, because we really had to pass this wand drill. And I thought it was either/or, but maybe it's not. What are you saying? I'm gonna help you. - Oh! - Oh, OK. OK, so the wand drill test is about to start. I'm gonna use the copycat spell, and it'll make you do everything that I do. We'll totally pass the test. This, that, copycat. Did it work? Yep, it worked. It's probably better if we don't talk when we get in there. Rosie? What are you doing here? Justin, relax. Everything's fine. Just go with it. That was so weird. Wand drill time, ladies. Now, show me what you got so I can tell you what you don't got. I can't believe it. Your knuckleheads are actually pulling off a Blooming Orchid. Quite a breathtaking beginning, Justin. This ragtag group of misfits is displaying discipline and teamwork? I am almost moved. Thank you, Penny. That's what happens when a strong leader is in charge. I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but "toots mcgoots." What was that? That was me tooting my own horn. Yeah. Alex! The fuzzy squirrel frog's on your foot! Get it off me! Get it off me! What are they doing? Is that supposed to be part of the routine? Yeah. Yeah, it's all part of the routine. Felix, it's a part of the routine. Guys, start doing what they're doing. Do everything they're doing, OK? Get it off me! Get! Get it off me! Alex, it's on your back! She's an angel. Oh, my gosh. She's an angel. Not this nor that, no copycat. That was me who said, "Oh, my gosh, she's an angel," by the way. Justin, I am so sorry I didn't tell you before. I pretended to be a wizard just so that I could meet you. I heard about what a great guy you are, and I just wanted you to accept me as a person instead of an angel. I'm so glad you came back. Justin, I really like you. Huh?! I really like you, too. Yeah, hi. Uh You two lovebirds almost done, because that routine was a mess. You all fail! That's what we get for bringing the hot girl back. Oh, my gosh! There's a fuzzy frog squirrel! What a faker. She wasn't faking! Felix, guys I'm sorry. It's just not a lot of girls like my brother, so I felt like I had to give him a shot. I didn't think I'd ruin it for all of you. Eh, it's all right. We're pretty used to failing by now. Plus, he's dating an angel. That's like dating a supermodel with wings. I can't believe any of this. Like it feels like a dream, like someone should pinch me. Ow! Nelvis!

{title:Back to Max} Correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct! It sounds like we did pretty good. Correct! Not only did you all pass, but you passed with your highest test scores yet. Yes! This is incredible. I'm actually making a difference in all of your lives. I'm gonna call Professor Crumbs right now, and I'm gonna invite him down here for the class evaluation. Does this mean we can have a pizza party? No pizza party, Nelvis. Last time you had a pizza party, you got your dirty pizza party fingers all over the Abraca-Doodler. Hello, Justin. I've just been doing my morning calisthenics. Don't mind me if I continue my reps as we talk. Professor Crumbs, look. I got an A minus on a test. There's nothing special about the minus part, 'cause I always get that, but the A, that's new for me. Oh, good for you, Alex. I'll celebrate with an invigorating toe touch. Ow! No worries. My back does that on occasion. Professor Crumbs, I would like to invite you down here for the class evaluation, so you can see what great progress that my class is making. Professor Crumbs? Yes. I'm admiring my new shoelaces. Professor Crumbs, after you see how good we're doing, maybe you can graduate everyone, and I can get back in the wizard competition. Yeah! But if you don't think we're doing very good, we'll just settle with putting me back in the competition. Oh, yeah, huh. Return my spine back to align. All right. I'll stop by tomorrow. Hey, Professor Crumbs. Who is that adorable little girl? It's not Max, 'cause Max is a boy. Professor Crumbs, your shoe is untied. Ooh. Where'd he go? He'll know how to turn me back. You missed him. Too late, too bad. Oh, well. I'll just talk to him tomorrow when he gets here. We can't let Professor Crumbs know that we accidentally crossed spells and turned Max into a little girl. You're right. I'll just call him and tell him he can't come. Hello. Professor Crumbs, about you coming, our portal is being remodeled You have reached the visual voicemail of Professor Crumbs. Mailbox is full. Beep. He's still coming! What are we gonna do? - I know. - Don't say it, Nelvis. Pizza party! I mean, it does kind of sound good. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Congrats on getting the solo performance in the Spirit of America show, Harper. Aw, thanks, Talia. You know, sitting on a covered wagon and singing songs about America is something I've always dreamed of. - Really? - No. I don't care where I am or what it's about, as long as I have a solo where the spotlight is on me. Hey, Harper. I saw you talking to Talia. How do you know her? We're in the school show together. I need to get into that so I can talk myself up to Talia. That way when I turn back into Max, she'll already be crushing on me. Oh, well, I could talk you up to Talia. I don't want her to think I know you. So sorry, Mr. Laritate, about the confusion. We just thought we were supposed to meet outside the detention hall, like always. Actually, Harper volunteered you to help decorate for our Spirit of America performance. So sorry. We're busy that day. I didn't say which day it was. We're busy on all days that end in Y. It's tomorrow. That doesn't end in a Y. Ooh, he got us. I should have said days that end in "morrow." Fine. If we have no other choice, we'll do it. That's sort of the spirit. Looks like there's hope for you Russes yet. All right, guys, we can't let Maxine anywhere near Professor Crumbs when he gets here. Otherwise, she's gonna tell him that she's Max. Hey, guys. Is Professor Crumbs here yet? Uh, you just missed him. What do you mean? He hasn't been here yet. Will you help us out here? Listen, I'm gonna be checking back in. A lot. OK, keeping Maxine from Crumbs is gonna be harder than I thought. But if you turned Maxine back into Max, you'd be fine. Nelvis, we've already tried that. But we haven't. And we've gotten really good at magic. Maybe we can all pitch in and figure out how to turn Max back. Let me think about that. We've tried to figure something out, but we failed. If they try, they might figure something out. What is he doing? This is how he works things out. Just give him a minute. But in the end, if Max changes back, then who cares who came up with the idea? Nelvis, I love it! - Enough for a pizza party? - No! OK, Russes. I'll start you off with something easy. I've been to your restaurant, so I know you don't know how to work a broom. You're on streamer patrol. Patrol? So we just have to walk around and look at streamers? No, you have to hang them. Aw, that's gonna be hard. If you need any help figuring out how to use tape, I'll be over there. Careful. It's sticky. Really? Streamer patrol? That man has no faith in us. I know, it's perfect. We'll be out of here in ten minutes. No way. We can do something better than streamers. Come on, Jerry. We'll show him. No, Theresa, we have a built-in excuse. The tape. It's sticky. There's Talia. You've got to get me into the show. OK. I know I'm the star of the show, but I can't promise you anything. Mr. Laritate, I know I'm the star of the show, and you don't owe me any favors, but is there any space for Maxine to join our performance? I'm sorry, little lady but all the stables in this corral are full. Please, Mr. Laritate. I'm a good singer. Listen. Home, home on the range Where the deer and the antelope play Well, wrangle me a bison and brand it amazing. How would you like to sing with Harper? But Mr. Laritate, that's my solo performance. It's not a solo if someone else is singing with me, so no. Ah, you're right. Harper, you're out. Maxine's our new soloist. Thanks, Harper. You're the best. You're squeezing me a little too tight, Harper. Harper! Harper! All right, guys. Let's see what you came up with to change Max back. Ah, a "Be True to Yourself" fairy dust. This is a good one. An ogre skin scrub. Can come in handy. And a reversal smoke bomb that might make milk fly out of your nose. Let me guess, that one was yours, Alex. Well I want to get Max back, but I also want to have some fun. Hey, guys. Is Professor Crumbs here yet? I cannot wait for him to change me back. You're not gonna need Professor Crumbs anymore, because we have a spell to fix you right here. Hello. It's Professor Crumbs. Anybody there? He's here, he's here! - Professor Crumbs! - No, wait! - Which spell? Which spell? - Doesn't matter! Why is the door latched? Well, hello, everybody. I brought taffy. My gosh, did we cross spells again?! What is wrong with us? Huh. You're not Professor Crumbs. Well, thanks for the taffy, Beard Boy. Well, this is odd. I have become a young boy. Then why do you still ha? Oh, that's a family trait. We all have beards. Except for my mother. She lost hers in a sausage-making accident. Uh, Professor Crumbs I bet you're wondering why we would pull a prank like this. Well Let this part of the "we" explain why. Yes, we are. I'm the "we." I did this to, uh teach my students that you, a master wizard, can reverse any spell, even a mutant crossed spell, no matter how seemingly impossible. It's true. I can reverse this. Yes! It's a special potion. A potion. See, I told you. - You did not tell me. - Well, I thought it. That doesn't So, why don't you tell us what's in the potion. Oh, why would I? I haven't felt this good in over 800 years! Time to have some fun. You Hey! I haven't given a noogie since, well The inventor, Nathaniel Noogie, gave me one. Professor Crumbs, why don't you tell us the potion so that way one day we could use it, should the need ever arise. Which it hasn't. Oh, forget the potion. I want to live a youthful life. You know the one thing that didn't exist last time I was young? The wheel? Close. I never got to skateboard. I can run again! My knees work! Where'd he go? I don't know. Now that he's a kid, he moves fast. We just can't let him run into Maxine. If they talk to each other, he might find out that we turned Max into a girl. We just need to trick him into giving us the ingredients of the reversal potion. There he is. Professor Crumbs! Oh, those dudes hooked me up. Little Crumbs representin'! They also taught me to say that. OK, Little Crumbs. Let's get on into the Sub Station. Oh, not now, Justin. Time to grind some rails. Time for me to get the potion recipe out of him. You'll never be able to get it from him. He's having way too much fun. Oh, it's so cute. You think I can't get something I want. Professor Crumbs, drink this. It's the potion to change you back. You couldn't have possibly gotten hyena tears that quickly. The hyena tears were easy. What about the dragon eyeballs? Can't get those unless you know a guy. Oh, right. I left that out. I'll just have to go talk to that guy. By the way, I've used that on you about 800 times. No, you haven't. Then how did I know to take the wallet from your backpack? It's not in my backpack. It's hidden in my sock drawer. Listen, I bought a lot of extra flags and bunting to impress Mr. Laritate, so let's make sure that he sees all of it. Ah, Harper. Little Jody Hahn is out sick. How would you like to be back in the big show? I'd love to! Great. You're a cactus. You have no lines and you don't sing. Like I said, I'm in. How fast can you alter a cactus costume? Alter? I've got one. Yes. Ah. Store-bought paper bunting and plastic flags. That's right. Courtesy of the Russes. You folks are really standing out. Thank you. As the lazy parents who didn't make anything. Unlike the Campaneros, who built a replica cannon with their hands. Great. The Campaneros built a cannon and we bought plastic American flags made in another country. That's it, Jerry. We gotta make something. Yeah, yeah. Rocky Campanero is not gonna outdo me. He's got a cannon? But we got two big bags of confetti. And that says "homemade grand finale" to me. A confetti cannon finale will blow Mr. Laritate away. Yankee doodle dandy! I'm doing it! I'm riding a bike! No, no, no, no, no. U-turn, u-turn! Hey! Aren't you that bearded kid from our lair with all the taffy? Yes, I have some more. Would you like some? Yes, we would all like some and now it's time to go inside. Wait. Hi. You have some crumbs in your beard. I'm gonna call you Crumbs. Huh! All my friends do. OK, that's enough. Maxine has, uh gotta go get ready for her big show. Oh, big show? I love the theater. No better place to enjoy my taffy. You should come, dude. No, no, no, no. I'd be honored to attend. It sounds delightfully rad. It's a school show. It's not delightful or rad. It's torture. Come on. You're gonna get inside and you're gonna stuff your mouth with taffy. You think this potion will work, Alex? I think so, although I wasn't really sure about the portions, so I just eyeballed the dragon eyeballs. Professor Crumbs, you have done a lot today. OK? And you need to stay hydrated, otherwise you're gonna hit the wall. Hit the wall. Should I get my helmet? No, but I have a smoothie that's specifically tailored to extreme sports. And kids with beards. Did you save some for Max? Hey, don't hog it all. You're not the only bearded kid into extreme sports around here. - Max, drink this. - What is it? Since when do you care what you drink? Good point. It didn't work. Is it burp juice? See? It works. Crumbs, stop right there! Hey, that's my nickname for him, Justin. You find your own. See you at the show, Beard Boy. That's the little girl whose performance I'm going to see. Well, off to the big show. Way to go, Alex. He didn't change back. You must have left something out of the potion. I know, OK? I know what's missing. - What? - A little support here. O, beautiful for spacious skies For Amber waves of grain For purple mountains majesties Above the fruited Jumpin' Billy goats! Why does that boy have a beard? He's that famous American Uncle guy. Uncle Sam? Sure. America! America God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea! Thank you, Jackie, for showing us all once again that if we all work really hard, we will never be as incredible as you. Thank you, Mr. Laritate. I hope I've worked off my detention now. Oh, no! What's happening to him? He changed back! The potion has a delayed reaction. We did it! We changed him back! Yay! You both tricked me into drinking the reversal potion? Not yay. Well, kudos for figuring out the potion. Yay! That means Maxine's gonna change back any second now. Next up is Maxine Russo with Home on the Range. Not yay. Oh, give me a home where the Buffalo roam And the deer and the antelope play Where seldom is heard We have to do something. She's gonna change onstage and everyone's gonna see. See what? Oh, is that taffy? - I dropped it. - Oh. Oh, I'm stuck. Shh, Maxine is singing. Maxine is about to turn back into Max. - We gave him a potion. - Nice timing. Home, home on the range Where the deer and the antelope play Where seldom is heard Why is Maxine starting to glow? Looks like the grand finale's gonna have to come a little early. And the skies are not cloudy all day Home, home on the range Where the deer and the antelope play Sweet corn tamales! A special effects salute to the westward migration and a buckaroo switcharoo! The Russes are now on the decorating committee for every event! What happened to my cute voice? You turned back into Max. I'm back? All right, I'm back! And so am I! Where seldom is heard a discouraging word And the skies are not cloudy all day She's wonderful! Bravo! - Oh, Max, you're back! - Mom! - Oh, honey! - Good to see you, buddy. We did it! We changed you back. - Hey. - Hey, there he is! All right, now I gotta go talk to Talia. Wait, that's it? We haven't seen you in so long. Well, I've seen you guys. Been here the whole time. - Talia. - Max. That was the greatest surprise entrance I've ever seen. Your cousin Maxine was right about you. You are cool and mysterious. Did she also say I like long afternoon walks in the park? - No. - I should've. That sounded really good. Do you wanna hang out Saturday? Uh, yeah, yeah. I'd love to. Great, I'll see you then. And don't bring your cousin Maxine. I think she has a crush on you. It's good to be back. Return his spine back to align. Thank you. Oh, Max. I haven't seen you in quite a while. You know, Professor Crumbs, I've been meaning to tell you something. No, you don't. You have Talia. Everyone's happy for you. Alex and Justin turned me into a little girl. They turned me into a little boy. But they turned us both back again. They're splendid with magic. Yay! I don't know what to say about that. When you're a winner. Go to dinner. Pizza the party.

{title:My Two Harpers} OK, I think we lost Alex by the Shakespeare in the Park performance. Yeah, she's probably. "Yo, Ham-ster! Methinks there's a wedgie in thy tights!" Harper, I really wanted this to be a special day for just us and, once again, Alex tagged along. I'm sorry, Zeke. Ever since she broke up with Mason, she's been so clingy, like one of those dryer sheets that falls out of your pant leg at the most embarrassing moments. That's a great comparison. What made you think of that? There's one peeking out of your pant leg right now. Oh, so embarrassing! - Good thing we're alone. - Yeah. - Hey we're alone. - That's right. There you guys are. Ooh, you were about to smooch it up, weren't you? All right, I'll leave you alone for a little bit. Are you done now? Now? - Are you guys done now? - We're done! Good. All right. So what are we gonna do to keep this party rolling? You know, we were just saying it's been a long day. We are We are beat. Harper's right. Yawn. Oh, no, no, come on. We're having way too much fun to stop now and be by ourselves. Sorry, Alex. Why don't you just go on without us? We're too tired to walk anywhere, anyway. Well, who says we have to walk? - All right - Let's roll! Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems No! Whoa, Dad's beating up the calculator again. Multiply your numbers now, punk! It's our worst month ever. You say that every month, Dad. I know. It just keeps getting worse. I think it's time for desperate measures. You mean the Budget Binder? Yes. My moment has finally arrived. This notebook contains a lifetime of my groundbreaking, cost-cutting business ideas. Let's open it up. "Throw away nothing." You throw away nothing. Like this used ketchup packet. It's still half full. You fold it in half, get a handy stapler, put it in here Brand new! That is a great idea, Justin! It's not me, Dad. It's the binder. Well, I made the binder, so it's kind of me. Hey, Dad, let me help. I've got some ideas, too. Um Not now, Max. Justin's kind of the idea person in the family. So So then what am I? You're a person in the family. So you don't even want to hear my ideas? Um Maybe later, Max. All right, I'll go tell myself my good ideas. Justin, I think your binder is gonna save us a lot of dough. "Dough" takes me right to "bread." "Sell week-old rolls as promotional hockey pucks." - Oh, he shoots, he scores! - He scores! OK, I don't know where Alex is, - so let's make a break for it. - OK. There she is! There she is! All right, two words: Game night, DVDs, and bags of crunchy things, coated in cheese dust. And then afterwards, we can wipe our fingers on the couch. It's great having an orange couch. Two words? That's like, a whole bunch of words. That add up to one word: A fun, fun night. Alex, we need to talk. OK, this isn't easy to say. These things never are. It's just, lately, Harper and I have kinda been feeling like we need our space. Space? Oh, I'm sorry. Am I sitting too close to you guys or something? No, Alex, that's not it. - It's not even you, it's us. - It's us. Yeah, we should take a break. Whoa. - Are you breaking up with me? - No, we just think, maybe, it would be a good idea if we just started seeing other couples. - I see. - And I mean, come on, it's not like we won't be there for you. I know the break-up with Mason has been really hard. Mason? I am so over Mason. - Who's Mason? - British guy, werewolf, - gets really hairy when he's angry - I know who he is. Look, I'm fine. Why don't you guys go out and spend some time alone? - You're sure? - Yeah, yeah. I could use some "me" time. - Now, get out of here, you crazy couple! - Come on! Have fun! Justin, what are you doing? It's just another one of my ideas to save money. So instead of buying paper napkins, we have one community napkin. Excuse me. Sir, would you like to wipe your mouth before you leave? Thank you. Just one wipe, sir. Have a good day, sir. - That is a great idea, son. - Aah! I see you're taking advantage of our special "no-cup" discount and community straw. That's enough, sir. Have a good day. I just ran the receipts for today, and your ideas have saved us Bam! And that is the power of the binder! Hey, Justin, I've got something for your binder. This money is real. Where'd he get all this? Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to the Wizardly Place Sub Station. Please speak clearly into the dragon snout. All right, I have eye of the newt club and the lizard leg tenders. Would you care to supernatural-size that? No problem, sir, pull your magic carpet up to the first window, please. Max, what is going on here? Nothing. Just bringing in new customers to help make a little money. You opened up the Sub Station to the wizard world? - Uh-huh. - That's a great idea. No, it's not. I mean, it's a good idea but I know how to make it a great idea. Why limit yourself to just drive-throughs? We could have sit-down dining, too. I like it. We could put a bunch of tables and chairs in here and turn it into a dining room. But, Dad, I'm barely able o handle the drive-through as it is. - I mean, if we do that, we're gonna need more help. - No we don't. As I say in the Budget Binder, "Never hire someone to do something that you can do yourself." You and I will wait the tables. Dad, you can cook the food. - I can handle that. - But, Dad. That's a lot more work than we're used to. Max. Shh! This is idea people talking. All right. I've got a customer to handle, anyways. Together forever Yeah, you broke up with me over text message But you still want me back . Oh, give me a break. My drummer, Harper, is with her boyfriend. I'm so bored without you here, Harper. Maybe you can be here. Why be alone when you can whip up a Harper clone? Hey, Harper, wanna hang out? - Sure, Alex. - Can you sit in on drums? Oh, I'd love to. Oh, and I'll make popcorn to throw at the TV when we lose. Oh, we're not gonna lose. We're gonna own it. Hey, Alex, have you seen my jacket? Who is your fashion-forward friend? It's me! Harper, meet Harper. - Alex, you made a copy of me? - It's gonna be fine, Harper. Fine? No, Clonie, I was talking to Harper. You gotta watch for the eye contact. Alex, You can't just go around cloning people - without their permission. - Well, uh Well you borrowed my boots without asking. OK, those were footwear. You borrowed a whole person! Oh, she doesn't like me. No, no, no, I do like you. You're me! Look what you've made me do, Alex. I've hurt my own feelings. I'm sorry I didn't ask for your permission, but a clone is a perfect solution to everything. Oh, and how do you figure that? This should be good. Well, you and Zeke have more time to be a couple, and I get to still hang out with you, my best friend. Hmm Well, I guess I am flattered. My Harper-ness is so in demand, it takes two Harpers just to keep up. Plus, you could look at yourself without a mirror. Spin it around, Clonie. - I am gorgeous! - Oh, we really are. Hey, Alex. Harper. Harper. - Oh, no. - Oh, my gosh! OK! I'm freaking out right now, OK? Oh! There's two Harpers! There's two - And boyfriend down. - Yep. - Got my orders, Dad? - Yes. Spicy cold-cut combo for the human. Done. Dad, I need another order of Munchkin Toe Chips. Oh, and here's the community napkin. Two restaurants, one napkin How can we not make money? I know that breaking up with Mason was the right thing, it's just that breakups are hard, you know what I mean? Not really. You probably don't. You're only a couple days old. But thanks for listening. - Hey, Harper. - Hi, Harper. Hi, Alex. Hi me. We have been having the best day ever. You know that hot, new discount shoe store downtown? Oh, Heels and Deals? We've been talking about checking that place out for months. Yeah, well now you don't have to, 'cause I did it for you! It was awesome. They had this really funny salesman there. - Right, Clonie? - Oh, Pierre. Best accent ever! "How are zee shoes, ladies?" We tried on, like, 20 pairs without buying anything. And then Pierre kicked us out and swore at us in French. - Oh, it was awesome. - Yeah. Wow, it sounds like I had fun. So how was your day, Harper? Must've been nice to have all the alone time with Zeke. Oh, yeah, we went shopping, too. For dental floss. And he couldn't decide between plain and minty. So we decided to do more online research. Fun! OK, how brilliant was this cloning idea? I don't mean to brag or anything, but I'm, like, the cloning queen. I think that was bragging. OK, you don't have to totally be like Harper. Well, I'm gonna see if my dad wants anything from that place that sells bacon cupcakes. Wait, you're going to Oinkie's without me? But you said we were going to do that together. More couple time for you and Zeke. You're welcome. All right, you go have your fun at Oinkie's, Clone Girl, but remember one thing: I'm the original Harper. - You are just a cheap, little knockoff. - OK And don't you even think about being more fun than me, - 'cause I will take you down! - You're scaring me. Oh, yeah. That's right. I know all your little fears. All right, she's coming. Now start laughing like I said something funny. All right, so my dad wants us to bring him back a bacon cupcake wrapped in bacon. - Bye, Harper. - All right. Have fun, Alex and me. Oh, joke's on her. That dress does not look good from the back. My dress doesn't look good from the back! - Dad, I need that tuna melt. - All right. And where's my order, Dad? I got a flying carpet mechanic who's getting angry. - All right. - My customers are getting impatient! All right, all right, I'm moving as fast as I can! All right? They're gonna get everything I Oh! What do they think, they can just snap their fingers - and their food'll be ready? - Pretty much. They're wizards. OK, sir, here's your order. One dragon melt, extra-scaly! About time, kid. What, did you have to slay the dragon first? Hey, this isn't a dragon melt! Smells like fish. Some of my best friends are mermaids. I can't eat this. Here you go, ma'am. Sorry for the wait. Finally. There's a lizard in my tuna melt! Ugh! Can't you just eat around it? Dad! That tuna melt you gave me was a dragon melt! - Did the lady notice? - Of course! There was a little dragon in her sandwich! Can't she just eat around it? I tried that. She didn't listen to reason. Now she's gone. Apparently people don't like little dragons in their sandwiches. Dad, you messed up all my orders. All the wizard world customers flashed out without tipping. - Everybody's gone? - Yes! Wow. We ruined both restaurants. I'm sorry, Dad. I guess my wizard world restaurant idea was too much for us to handle. No, Max. Your idea was good. And it was working until we came along, got greedy, and ruined it. Dad, stop. He's gonna think we want to hear things from him. Max, you have things to say, and from now on, we're gonna listen to you. All right. Well, I think one community napkin is a health hazard, and can get us in trouble. That's totally ridiculous. The community napkin is a revolutionary money-saver! Oh, Oinkie's was so good, Clonie! I love how they weigh you before and after you eat, so that they can charge you by the pound. Oh, I love how when you leave a tip, the counter guy has to go "Oinkety oink, oink!" All right, I'm gonna give my dad his bacon-wrapped bacon cupcake. If you hear crying, those are tears of joy. Or a heart attack. Hey, Harper. I just flossed. I'm all "minty." Well, you know how I feel about proper gum care. Zeke, what are you doing? She's the clone! - Can't you tell? - Yeah, sure, yeah. Of course. Kinda. No! Hey, could you guys leave Clonie alone? We're about to do some prank texting. Oh, shoot, I ruined it. They were going to you. All right It was bad enough this clone you made took away my best friend, but now she's trying to steal my boyfriend! Harper, I don't know what you're getting so upset about. She's probably just mad 'cause she knows I'm cuter. - Oh, whoa, no - Hey. All right, this is a very unattractive side of myself. Harper, can't you share your boyfriend with yourself? Plus, even if I did kiss her, it's not like I'd be kissing another girl. I'd still be kissing you. Yeah, that is sort of how this whole clone thing works. I'll demonstrate Oh, whoa, no. You back off, Clonezilla! Alex, we gotta get rid of her! OK, OK. Alex, what's wrong? Just do it! - I can't. - And why not? Because I broke up with my boyfriend, and I needed my best friend. - This clone is all I have. - Well, I'm your best friend. Oh, my gosh. I'm your best friend, and I wasn't there for you. I just wanted to hang out with Zeke. - I'm so sorry, Alex. - It's OK. It's not right for me to come in-between you and your boyfriend just 'cause I don't have one. I'm sorry, too. So am I supposed to go with the clone now? Or No! We are getting rid of her. Well, why me? Why not her? I was the nicest one here. - Alex! - I'm on it. Hit the road, clone, we want to be alone! I guess you guys are gonna want some best friend time, so I'll just - No, wait, Zeke. - I can stay? No, you have a dryer sheet sticking out of your pant leg. Oh, my gosh! So embarrassing! Ok, Clonie. Do not tell Haper that I brought you back. I need you to help me do something very, very important. Well, anything, Alex. I need you to help me beat my high score. Go! Together forever You broke up with me over text message Hey, Alex. What is she doing here? See you in PE! Oh, I know where you hide. Come here!

{title:Wizard of the Year} Here you are. Traditional crumpets, just like my grandmother made back in London. This is just an English muffin. Seriously, what's the difference? They're not as good. I think it needs something. Yeah. Sauce, cheese, and pepperoni. And this is why no one likes you people! I like it. I saw you hiding yours under the place mat. Shh, shh. Knock, knock, knock. Chancellor Rudy tootietootie! - Hey! - Rudy! All right, we're all feelin' it. Whoo. Ooh, homemade English muffins. Crumpets! Don't curse at me, wolfie. Listen up. Big news. A member of the Russo family. Has won the esteemed wizard of the year award. Oh, my gosh. All my hard work with the delinquents. Has finally paid off. Hold on, senor "jump to conclusions." For saving humanity from the angels of darkness, you have been named wizard of the year. Congratulations, Alex. Wow. A truly underwhelming display of enthusiasm. Great great job, honey. - Unbelievable. Wow! - Congratulations. Oh, my gosh. This must kill you. No, I'm fine. Why would your award kill me? It was an honor to be nominated. I was nominated, right? Alex, you will be given the award. At this year's annual wizard banquet. And it's tradition for the family of the wizard of the year. To make a holographic video honoring them, which will be played at the banquet. Here's a holograph camera. Say nice things. Ha! Good luck. These ingrates can't even say nice things. After someone's been baking for two blasted hours! Wonderful. Wizard of the year, her own banquet, and we have to make a video. To say how great she is. Anything else for Alex? Ooh, thanks for reminding me, kid. Because of your heroic act, you're back in your family's wizard competition. I can't believe I almost forgot that. Wait. I'm back in the competition? That means I could be the family wizard. I know. I mean, who would have thought. It'd be you and me in the running for this thing? Now this must really kill you. Everything is not what it seems well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze that the end will no doubt justify the means you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease yes, please but you might find out it'll go to your head when you write a report on a book you never read with the snap of your fingers you can make your bed that's what I said everything is not what it seems when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams you might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems be careful not to mess with the balance of things because everything is not what it seems Hey, look at this gown. It's on sale. Does it say "just saved the world", or "just saving money"? I don't know, but this is the worst video game that I've ever played. Are you almost done with the abracadoodler? 'Cause I need to use it. Justin You're just mad because you've always wanted to be. Wizard of the year. Hey, Justin. Do you need some ice? For what? For your sore loser. I'm fine. Ok, everything happens oh. Over here, Chase! Stop! You sleazy paparazzi! Stop! No more pictures! No! Chase! What are you doing here? I heard you'll be receiving the wizard of the year award, so I wanted to come by and congratulate you. Oh, thank you. You could've just called. A congratulatory hug is a little more personal. Than a phone call. I should be the one getting that hug. I'm really proud of you. You know, I used to dream of being wizard of the year, but was never able to get it. Oh, well, then you and Justin have a lot in common. Right, Justin? You couldn't do it either. Now look what you've done. My mad twitch is coming back. I better be going too. But, uh, I'll see you at the banquet. Keith Keith here for wiz biz tonight. Now, the big question: Are the beast tamer and the wizard of the year dating? Let's make it official. Yeah, it's official. Yeah, we're not dating. I have a boyfriend. Now scram. She speaks the truth. Now, out of the way. - How ya doin'? What's up? - Hey. - Max Russo. - Max. All right, I got in every picture. Oh, no. Now they're gonna think you and me are dating. Ok. Who wants to pay tribute to Alex first? Max, why don't you go first. Before I, uh, start talking about Alex. Winning the award that I should have won. I need to figure out a way to get my eye to stop twitching. All right. Your sister just won wizard of the year. - Ok. - And action. Ok. Wait, why is she winning the award again? Justin fell for an angel of darkness, and Alex had to save him and the world. Hold on, let me get this straight. So Alex won the award because Justin messed up? That's awesome! Aren't you usually the one fixing her mistakes? Yep. Yes, I am. Why can't people see that? That's it, I'm ready. I want to make a video. - Alex, what I really - You're done. Hi, how's it going. I'm Justin Russo. Alex's older brother. You know something, I think it's just great. That Alex is winning probably the highest honor. That a wizard could receive. Congratulations to you, Alex. I'm proud. Proud that as of today, this award no longer has meaning. How could you do this?! I mean, do you even check the people you give these to? Sure, she does one thing, save the world. Big deal. Do you have any idea how many times. She's almost destroyed the world? Huh? Do ya?! How could you overlook someone. Who is successfully tutoring a class of delinquents? Who, who has created his own spell? Who has saved wiz tech twice? Not once, but twice! And that's why it should be me, and not her, but me! Yeah, there, that should be good. I don't know why you watch these wizard celebrity gossip shows. They're all rubbish. Goblins make bad life decisions. Yep, we get it. Well, you're gonna like it today. I heard I'm on it. It's probably wizard of the year stuff. We are gonna look so cute at that banquet together. Oh, wait. I got you a corsage to give to me. Here you go. Oh, my gosh! It's perfect. How did you know I like corsages? Has the dashing beast tamer Chase riprock finally met his match? Photographers caught up with him making a secret visit to wizard of the year winner, alex Russo. Could this be the next celebrity power couple? What?! Let's see what the young wizards had to say. I'm sure it's nothing. Here, watch this part. I set the record straight. Now, the big question: Are the beast tamer and the wizard of the year dating? Let's make it official. Yeah, it's official. What?! What was that? You told them you guys were dating? No, no, no! They must have cut out the part. Where I told them about you, I swear. Well, they certainly didn't cut out the smile on your face. Did you see it when you said, "it's official"? I'll tell you what's official. I'm quite angry. It's a gossip show. They probably didn't even have a story today, so they just made something up like that. I swear, they do it all the time. Ask Chase. Chase? Chase. Yes, your fabulous beast tamer, who finds any excuse to come by and say hello. I'll bet he's outside right now. Waiting to congratulate you on I don't know, brushing your hair. Well, he's not, so I'll just do it. Well done on brushing your hair! Mason. Thank you so much for letting me go to a wizard banquet. This is such a big night for my best friend. Yeah, well, so no one suspects anything. About you being in the wizard world, why don't you stay close to Max. You could be his date. What? Get a sweater. I'm not giving you my jacket if you say it's too cold. Max! Be nice. I am. I was gonna tell her she's not my type. And I was gonna tell you that you're not my species. Come on, you two. Let's go. Hey, is Mason with you guys? No. Did you call him? Yeah, like, five times. He's not answering. He was supposed to meet me here an hour ago. Come on, people, let's go. We've got the guest of honor over here. You're gonna love the great videos everyone made for you, by the way. Honey, he's probably still upset about your fight yesterday. So, he's standing me up for my own awards banquet? Alex, I would take you, but You're not my type either. Ooh, the flying carpet limo is here. We've gotta go, Alex. He's not gonna show up, is he? I don't think so, mija. Hey Harper. I never know what fork to use at these things, so I'm just not gonna use one at all. Alex I'm sorry that Mason stood you up for the awards ceremony. But hey, you're still the guest of honor. Come on, let's go in. No, wait. Maybe I can use magic to bring him here. You don't want to do that. When people are forced to go to events, they're usually not that much fun at the event. I know you're talking about the upcoming strawberry festival, Jerry. And you're going. Hey, Justin. I'm really looking forward to the holograms tonight. It's the most emotional part of the show. Except for when I tell the audience dessert costs extra. Oh, it'll be emotional. And Justin And despite the fact that you're losing. Your family wizard competition, I'm sure your heartfelt words. Will show the wizard council great sportsmanship. Right. I'll bet it even helps you get reinstated into the competition. Really looking forward to it, buddy! I need the tape back! Alex. Hey. I don't know if you caught that gossip show segment, but I had nothing to do with how they made it look like we're dating. No, I know. I just wish Mason understood. Where is he? He didn't come. He's mad. Look, if I was him, I'd be pretty upset too. They really made it look like we're dating. I mean, even more so than me. Standing here admiring how great you look tonight. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Hey, Justin. - I wasn't touching this. I know you weren't. You can't. The projector has a protective shield. Hey, I did you a big favor. I put some members of the wizard council. Right in the front row to catch your heartfelt tribute. Ok, well, uh We, uh, better get going then. Right now. Well, we're uh, going now! Come on, Justin. Let's go. Come on. - Wrong way. - Right. Well, looks like it's about to start. It was really nice meeting all of you. I better head back to my seat. Way over there. Way, way, way over there. On the other side of the It's fine. Just sit down. Welcome to the 3,426th annual wizard of the year banquet. It's good to see the wizard council here. I'm not saying they're old, but when they were born, earth was just a rumor. Huh? That is a very old group of people! Let's just go to the family holograms. Hi. I'm Justin Russo, alex's older brother. I think it's great that Alex won probably the highest honor Hey, why have a hologram. When I can speak to you guys right here? From the heart. Hello, wizard council. I'm proud. Proud that as of today, this award no longer has meaning. How could you do this? Do you even check the people that you give these to? Jerry, what is he doing? A really good job at embarrassing the family. Here's the mom! Can you believe this guy? I mean, serious Holograms, they don't get things right. They lie. They're liars. Disgusting. How could you overlook someone who's successfully tutoring a class of wizard delinquents? Who has certified his own spell, and who has saved wiz tech twice! Not once, but twice! And that's why it should be me, and not her! Ok. That should be good. Thank you for your time. - Mr. Russo. - Mason. I've made a dreadful mistake. I'm afraid I've let Alex down on such a momentous occasion. You're apologizing to the wrong person. Of course. Him again?! Whoa. Haven't seen that in a while. Mason! Your boyfriend's a werewolf?! That would have been some good information to know. Um somebody's foot is in my salad. So sorry. Ladies and gentlemen. Everyone stay calm. Everything is fine. It's just Alex Russo's jealous werewolf boyfriend. Going after the beast tamer, Chase riprock. What am I saying? That's not fine. Go ahead and panic. Mason, stop! Chase, don't! Come on! And down goes wolfie! Down goes wolfie! Chase! Stop it! Stop! What is the matter with you two? He attacked me. I'm sorry for standing you up, Alex. And I'm sorry for being so jealous, but when I walked in here and I saw you two together I need to know. Do you have feelings for him? I won't go on like this. Look, Alex. Maybe this isn't the right time. Maybe it is. But I can't stop thinking about you. You and I would be so great together. Mason, stop! Well, who's it gonna be, Alex? Him or me? I guess I choose Neither of you. What? What? I believe she said she's choosing neither of them. Mason You're my boyfriend, and I love you. But when I told you there was nothing going on. Between me and Chase you didn't believe me. I would have believed you. This was one of the most important nights of my life. And you let me come alone. Look at this place. This is a side of you that I've never seen, and I I don't like it. Alex, I came here to apologize. And that's not what happened. I I think we need a break. So What about us, Alex? Chase, I think you're a great guy, but I'm not ready to be in a new relationship. I just got out of one literally a second ago. Now I'm gonna get what I came here for. Here you go, sweetie. Alex Russo, wizard of the year.

{title:Rock Around the Clock} Mr. Hune, you can't kick us out! I can do anything I want. I own the building. Dad, why are you yelling at the landlord? Remember, we put holes in the walls, and we cover them with posters. Alex we're being evicted. "Evicted" sounds so mean. I'd prefer to say "Giving you a chance to live somewhere - that's not here." - That's still mean. You just said it in a nice way. Listen, Mr. Hune, our Sub Station provides a very valuable service to the community. Where else are people gonna eat when they want to call in sick to work the next day? Mr. Hune, you don't want to kick my family out on the street. Just look at them. Look, if your dad hadn't sold me this building in 1957, you wouldn't be in this mess. - So blame your dad, not me. - Nice going, Dad. Wha No, his dad, our grandpa. Oh, Grandpa Russo. I love him. He always pulls a jellybean out of my ear when I see him. 'Cause I always got one in there. You have 30 days to pack up and get out. Wha wait! Would this jellybean change your mind? Fifteen days. I got us 15 days. Fifteen days! Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems We can't lose our home. I just had a bunch of return address stickers printed up. Look, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe we can finally move to a place that doesn't have a spiral staircase where customers can walk directly into our living room. Theresa, we can find another home. The real problem is we can't find another lair. That's right. If we lose the lair, we'll lose all contact from the Wizard World. How are we gonna get there without a portal? Well, what if we just shrunk down our lair with our magic stick thingies and packed it in a suitcase? - Magic stick thingies? - Yeah. They're called wands, Max. What's the matter with you? I shrunk my brain down so I could fit in more jellybeans. Well, make it big again. Look, we can't shrink the lair. My great-great-grandfather chose this place for the Russo family wizard lair, and we're not allowed to move it. Actually, Dad, there's a solution. We can appeal to the Wizard Council. Come on. To the lair! Really? We're gonna follow someone that says "To the lair"? The Department of Lair Relocation Services can fix all of this. Abraca-doodler, one lair relocation application, please. All right, page one of four thousand! Come on! That's gonna take you guys months to fill out. We don't have months. We have 15 days. Fifteen days. You are welcome. OK, all right, this is ridiculous. Why don't we just go back in time and tell Grandpa not to sell the building to Lenny Hune? Boom. Problem solved. Alex, time travelling can be very hazardous. Whatever we do in the past can negatively affect the present day by causing ripples in the Fabric of Time. Besides, we don't even have to worry about that, because we don't have a time travel device. - Actually, we do. - Come again? I didn't want to tell you guys about it, because I didn't want anyone to be tempted, but it seems like our only option. Ah, we time travel through a mysterious crystal orb. Looks like it didn't work out too well for the last guy. No, no, no, honey, this is actually a bowling ball that your father bought when he was gonna go pro. That could still happen, Theresa. Here it is, My First Time Machine. The time travelling device looks like a kid's toy? That could be dangerous. Could you imagine how many kids are lost in time right now? There you guys are. Wait a minute. Is this another meeting about me? 'Cause you all agreed to let me stay in the basement until I graduate. Just let it go. Harper, we have to go back in time to save the lair. Are you in? Well, it has been awhile since I've been on a madcap adventure with you guys. Why not? OK. So, Grandpa sold the building in 1957, right? No, no, no, you guys! Just wait. There's a safer alternative here. Look, look. We are on page three. Oh, paper jam! Come on! OK, everybody, we're leaving. - Where to? - 1957. I've heard of that place. No, Alex, what are you doing?! Wait, this isn't 1957. We traveled to 1977. Justin, you must have bumped the arrow when you got all grabby with this thing. I'm only trying to save our universe. Jerry, we know this song. Come on, let's shake our groove things before we go. I can dig it. No! No one is shaking their groove things. Oh, come on, Justin. We can't let these fine threads go to waste. Let's boogie. We can change the future. We need to get out of here. I do love this song, though. OK, that's enough of the bump. Let's go. Hey. This is my dad's old diner. Yeah, I've seen this place in pictures. They should've kept it black and white. Nice glasses, nerd. Actually, in the 5os we're called "poindexters," but you're still called annoying. Jerry, is that your father? Oh, my gosh, he's so young. Hey! Customers! Can I interest you in today's special, hamburger soup. In case you're wondering, it has nothing to do with yesterday's special, hamburgers. He's brilliant. Yeah, that's definitely your dad, Dad. - Oh. - Ooh, oh! Don't hurt me. Just take the money. There's 14 dollars in the register. It's all I've got! I'm not gonna hurt you. Uh I'm your son. My son? But I don't have any kids. I'm not even married. And you're older than me. Wait Is that a My First Time Machine? Yes. We used this to travel from the future. You gave this to me as part of my wizard training. I did? You are my son. Yes! I'm not going to die alone! - Uh, Grandpa, I'm waiting. - For what? For you to pull the jellybean out of my ear. Tell me I'm not related to this one. Don't tell him in the future he actually eats those jellybeans. This is your grandson, Max. And this is your other grandson, Justin. And this is your granddaughter, Alex. And I'm Harper. Just a friend who lives in their basement. In the basement? So, in the future, they get rid of the ghosts? I told you people I wasn't seeing things. Nice to see you, Hank. I'm Theresa. Oh, my, uh wife in the future? No, Dad. Actually, she's my wife in the future. Do I find a wife as beautiful as her? Well, a lot of people say I look just like Mom. Oh, jeepers. You must be hungry after all that time travel. Why don't you take a load off, and I'll cook you up some grub. Oh, how much for a bottle of water? You want me to fill a bottle with water and charge you for it? OK, but it sounds a little kooky. Oh, yeah. See in the future, people pay a ton of money for Shh! You're messing with the Fabric of Time. No more talking about the future. OK, look, let's get down to business. Grandpa, sometime this year, a man named Lenny Hune will offer to buy your building. And don't sell it to him, because he's going to evict us in the future, - and our lair will disappear. - No lair? A wizard without a lair is like a telephone without a cord. Don't worry, kids. Your grandpa won't sell this building to Lenny Hune. Wow, "Grandpa." Ain't that a kick? All right now, let's get out of here, guys, before someone tells Grandpa about the Internet. What's the Internet? I've said too much. Bye, Grandpa. - Bye, Hank. - Bye, Grandpa. Oh, look, there's a poodle. You know your skirt would look so much cuter with a poodle on it. Oh, no. Hey. What happened to the Sub Station? Dad, are we back in our own time? Yeah, we're here, the same day as we left. But without the subway car! Oh, I'm sorry. I should've said that with a sad voice. This is exactly what I was afraid of. Something we did in the past must have affected our present day. The lair. The lair's gone. You guys should've filled out that application. Something we did in 1957 caused a ripple through the Fabric of Time and made our lair not exist in the present. OK, well then, we'll just have to go back to 1957 and figure out what we did wrong. Oh, that's a brilliant idea. We're gonna solve the problem by doing exactly what caused the problem. Have you not been paying attention to anything?! Sweetie Honey, I think we do have to go back. - Why? - We left Harper there. Oh, my gosh, my best friend! - What am I gonna do? - You didn't even notice. - I've got a lot on my mind. - No, we're not going back. You're just gonna have to find a new best friend. Here, Alex, I'll help you out. What do you look for in a best friend? You still play with dollies or Look, everybody, we have to go back and fix this. We need to get our lair back. OK, all right, fine. But I'm not wearing those poindexter glasses this time. Oh, good, no glasses this time. They fell off when you landed, Poindexter. Future family. What's buzzing, cousins? Oh, great. I changed the past and now we're cousins. Hank, what's going on here? Well, as you predicted, Lenny Hune rolled in and offered a lot of do-re-mi for the place. But I didn't sell it, like I promised. The problem is I didn't get enough business. So, now I gotta shut the place down. That's why the lair's gone. When your business failed, you moved out of the building, and because our family wasn't here, that's why the lair disappeared. So, we can't let this business fail. OK, well, the only way to do that is to make this place popular. There's no time. I won't own this place tomorrow. That's when the bank takes it over. Maybe Justin's right. We shouldn't be here. We should just find Harper and leave. Hank, do you have any idea where Harper is? At my old High School, Tribeca Prep. She enrolled there as soon as you left. Didn't want to hurt her perfect attendance record. I'll go get her. I want to come, too. I want to check out my locker and see if my initials are still there from when I scratched them in. Max, we went back in time. You're not even born yet. Perfect. So I'll just scratch 'em in now so I won't have to do it later. No, no, no! Don't go! You guys are causing ripples. Ripples! Justin, just go! Go with them and protect your precious Fabric of Time. Uh, excuse me. Hi. Have you seen a girl with red hair, and an overly peppy attitude that covers her sadness right below the surface? So, I say, "You better cool it, Daddy-o, 'cause you're cruisin' for a bruisin'." Harper? Ah. Gotta scram, girls. Oh, Alex, you came back for me! Now get outta here. Well. It's nice to see you, too. I'm super popular here. Those poodle skirts? My idea. The girls love me. They do whatever I say! I am not going back! Harper, your life is in the future. If you stayed here, you won't exist, and we won't ever be friends. I'm OK with that. And this little guy holds about 10,000 songs. - Well, let me hear it. - I forgot my headphones. Well, you know, I don't need headphones to listen to this. No? How many songs does it play? As many as I want. It's the radio. Oh, my gosh, I can hear music. And you didn't have to pay 99 cents a song? Ninety-nine cents? What are you, rich? This radio thing is awesome. I'm gonna go to the future and invent that. - Thanks, Tommy. - Whoa, hey, hey. You never done this before? - No. - Relax. Just slap it. Give a slap. Harder. - There you go. - Hey. What's up? What are you doing? You just invented the high five 20 years too early. This is a horrible day. Hey, uh, Harper. You know, we're going down to the malt shop tonight. You're coming, right? Sure, Tommy. Wait, you all hang out at the malt shop? Yeah, the whole school hangs out there. The whole school, huh? Hey, everybody. Harper Finkle's got a new hangout, the Waverly Diner. Be there or be square. You see what I did there? I can fit in, too. Alex, what are you doing? I'm getting customers to the diner and saving our lair. So, see you tonight! This is risky. This is very, very risky. I'm gonna put a note in a time capsule, so one day people will know I wasn't a part of this. Are you sure this is gonna work? Positive. If kids have fun at your diner, it'll be their regular hangout, and you'll stay in business. But no one's having any fun. Oh, no. Tommy doesn't look happy. And when Tommy's not happy, no one's happy. He's almost as popular as me. Hey, Harper. Why do you guys hang out here? Their jukebox doesn't even work. Let's motor. Wait, wait. We have music. - We do? - Max has an mp3 player. How good are you at rewiring electronic stuff? Intermediate to advanced. Uh more advanced. Hook that up to the jukebox. Max, pull up a good playlist. We gotta get this party started. Harper, what happened to all my songs? - I don't know any of these. - Your songs must have changed when we traveled back to the 5os. Who's this Elvis guy? He'll never get far with a name like that. Max, bring me the mp3 player. We're ready. Come on, everybody, let's dance! Ow! My new saddle shoes are giving me a blister. I can't dance. Hey, why isn't anybody dancing with us? Because we're not Harper. They do whatever Miss Popularity does. Oh. I thought I was Miss Popularity. Harper, you have to dance with us. It's our only chance to save this place. Fine, but if I'm gonna dance, these puppies gotta run free. Everyone, dig what Harper's doing. Dancing in her socks. That's keen! This place is boss, Harper. We're gonna call this a sock hop, and we're gonna make this place our regular hangout. - Alex, you did it! - No, we did it. Yeah, you're right, I did it, though. Thanks for saving the business, kids. And, more importantly, the lair. - It was great to see you, Dad. - I'm proud of you, son. You've done a fine job raising this family. It's gonna be weird changing your diapers in a few years. Ooh, and remember, I'm allergic to talcum powder. Well, it's gonna be your mother's problem anyway. - Bye, Grandpa. - Bye, Grandpa. - Bye, Greandpa. - Thanks, Hank! Bye! See you in a few decades! Our lair! Our beautiful lair! Oh, the dust, and the moldy smell. It's all here! Ah. Page five of 4,000. Who was right about time travel? Me. Let's go check out the Sub Station. Still no customers. I love it! Uh, excuse me. Uh Who are you? I'm the janitor. Lenny Hune, Jr. Lenny Hune, Jr. Does your dad own the building? Of course not. You do. My Dad owns a janitor service. Well, I'm done for the day. Gimme a Max. A Max? Don't you mean a high five? What's a high five? Ah, forget it. You left me hanging too long. What? Oh, come on. Gimme a me. Well, Justin, I hope you learned a valuable lesson. You can go back in time and fix something without causing any real problems. Really? Where's Harper? All right, well, we have to go back. No, no, no. Wait, wait! Alex! We're back in 1977 again! But I do love this song. Well, Harper can wait.

{title:The Good, The Bad, and the Alex} [whirring] Making my own beef jerky's gonnthan I thought.nger Dude, that was so much fun! I don't remember the Wthat crowded last year. That's because this is the elf-stacking contest. Demeaning, but fun. Thanks for taking me, guys. I just can't get enough of these corn dogs. Those aren't corn dogs. They're fried unicorn horns. A fried unicorn horn has all the nutrients a human needs for an entire year. It's like eating [sighs] Why are the prettiest animals so delicious? Hey, how come I didn't get to go to the fair with you guys? It was ladies' night, but we did bring you something. A lady, possibly bearded? Here. It's a corn dog seed. Go plant it, your own corn dog tree. I don't think this is gonna work. This obviously isn't a corn dog seed, it's a stick seed. Wa stick tree?ow - You could build a fort. - I'm Thanks, guys! fort. Nice work. You must've had some good times messing with your brother. Yeah. Before we stopped talking to each other, I used to mess with Warren all the time. Well, you are free to mess with my brothers any time you want, befriends are for.t Now come on, blow it up. I've gotta get going. She really doesn't like blowing it up. I think that was about her brother. She must really miss him. [gasps] You know what we should do? We should help them get back together. That's a totally nice thing to do. We should do it 'cause you never come up with those. Yeah. Sobut I never say them. This one I did, so let's see how it goes. gonna be a breeze * * Well, you know everything's * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please it'll go to your head * * But you might find out * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * So, I was thinking that we should help Stevie find her brother. That is a very nice idea, Harper. No, Alex came up with this one all on her own. Then we should do it. All right, now let's go look him up on the Wiznet. Sorry, we can't. It's over capacity. Oh, that's it, we're done. We tried. OK, I know you're new to doing good deeds, but let me give you a piece of advice: When things get harder, you can keep trying. It just feels more natural to quit, but, OK, let's keep rolling with it. Alex, being older than you, I remember a time before the Wiznet, back when we had to use things like this. A jack-in-the-box? OK. Come on, Harper. Let's go find Warren with his baby toys. [clears throat] Locate: Warren Nichols. [playing Pop Goes the Weasel ] [squeaks, laughter] Warren Nichols of the wizard world. Thank you very much, old buddy, and can I get an address, please? - Put me back in. - Hey, you got it. [clears throat] OK. [plays Pop Goes the Weasel ] Just tell us where he is! He's located at City Hall, Come on, let's go. [whispers] Come on. Ow! [wincing] Why is everything in the wizard world so confusing? That's what wizards say about the real world. I didn't expect be one endless hallway. just Dude, we're never gonna find Warren. We don't even know which room he's in. Hmm, well, we could've asked the jack-in-the-box if someone didn't get annoyed and break him! Hey! The guy has a name tag that says "Warren." Maybe he knows where Warren is. People with the same names, they tend to keep tabs on each other. Little Harper Adams, she got her tonsils out last week. Oh, she's adorable. Excuse me, hi. YWarren Nichols, would you? Uh, let me check. Mmm Yep. That's me. Hello. We've been looking everywhere for you. We're friends with your sister Stevie. You guys know Well, where is she? Is she here with you? Huh? Stevie! No, no, no! No, no. No. She She didn't come with us. She doesn't even know we're here. You guys need to get her back here. Stevie skipped town in the wizard competition, right in the middle of Powers Ceremony. Is this where that happens? Oh, no. Uh, not out here, in here. - That door! - [gasps] [electricity crackling] Ah. So this is where I'll go when I win my powers. Ooh! Outlets in the ceiling. I like it! So let me get this straight: She bailed on you in the middle of the transfer? Then that means you're stuck here until she gets back to finish the ceremony. Yes! She's evil! - I knew it! - Wait, wait, wait. We've heard two different stories here. Well, maybe Warren is lying. Let's see if he can stand up to one of my uncomfortable stares. [groans] Yep, he's a liar. Quick! Quick, he fainted. Someone give me a pen. I love drawing mustaches on people who can't stop me. Uh, no, it makes sense. He won, and a disgruntled trying to wreck it for him. I'm seeing my future in the present. Stevie is my friend. I'm sure she has for what's going on.tion - [scoffs] -until proven guilty.t Come on, Harper, let's go find Stevie. [gasps] I bet you he has a pen on him. Alex! Stop that. It looks illegal. Oh! The hour of victory is near, my followers. [gasps] Very soon we'll have enough wizards signed up - to start the revolution! - [cheering] It's locked. The door doesn't even have a lock. Someone must have with a broomstick. inside No, that doesn't make much sense because this is the only broom here and it doesn't even have a handle, so Oh, OK, I'm caught up now. [Stevie] their powers again. [cheering] If I get enough wizards who are behind in their family wizard competition to perform a spell at the same time, oh, it will melt down in the Hall of Transfers. Then, no wizard will their powers again.p [cheering] Oh! I knew it! Stevie was using you for our lair so she could start a revolution. Stevie is evil! Yeah, I can see how you might feel right about that. I'm telling Dad. How are we gonna tell Dad? We can't even get in. Stevie! Stevie! Stevie, Stevie, open up the door. I have something to tell my father. Hey, is it true that you bailed on your brother in the middle of the competition? Did you just see any of that? Yeah, the whole bit about the holograms and the revolution and the bad stuff, yeah. But I'm sure you have a very logical explanation, so just open the door and you can explain it to us. You want an explanation? Here it is: Warren won. - [grunts] to give up my powers. OK, it's not fair gets to keep their powers. Evil! It's in the eyes! Look at her! It's evil! Hey, if my plan works, there will be no more wizard competition. I just need a few more wizards who have no chance of winning their famito join me,ompetition so we can keep our powers forever. You can forget about that, Stevie. You're never gonna convince Alex to join your stupid revolution. Right, Alex? Right, Alex? Alex! Well, I gotta admit it does sound kind of interesting. What?! Fortunado amontillado. - [Justin groans] - [Harper] Alex! [Justin] Alex, let us in! Come on, Alex. The odds of you beating Justin are very slim. With my plan, your powers are guaranteed. Are you in? [Justin and Harper shouting] I'm in. - Seriously, let us in! - Let us in! Alex! She's not answering. I knew Alex was bad, but not this bad. I still have complete faith in her. She always does before she thinks and when she thinks, she undoes, and blames it on somebody else. But this is serious. I can't just sit around to change her mind. I've gotta get in there. - Whoa! - [spell ricochets] Something's wrong. [grunts] Bricks made of plastic! The natural enemy of magic. What are we gonna do now? You wanna kiss a little bit? Come again? You know, a little smoochy-smooch. I won't tell anyone. Alex is about to join a revolution to overtake the entire wizard world, and you're asking me to kiss? Sure. I mean, we all know thing in the end anyway. I don't think so. [mimicking phone dialing] [clears throat] Yes, hello, to this wand location. Terrific. of Kung Pao dragon and make sure to include fortune cookies. Thank you. Yes, you have a good day. OK. You're ordering Chinese food? Wizard fortune cookies givinto the future and I'm gonna show you that Alex is evil. [sighs] Now look, I'm gonna tell people we kissed anyway. So don't make me a liar. Let's just kiss a little bit. It's real No! [keyboard clicking] Wow, you got a lot of people onboard, Stevie. I think this plan can actually work. I knew when we met keep your powers, like me. And I knew there was something I liked about you, but this? This is genius. - [sighs] - role model.new - [beeping] - Please, Alex. I'm sure this is something come up with yourself.lly Yeah, no, that's true, I take it back. I'm my own role model again. Now we just need to find one more wizard, and we'll have enough power to overload the distributor. If only there was totally manipulate.ld Hello, Laverne. Oh, what are you guys doing in here? Nothing, Max. Your sister and I are planning something I think you may be interested in: a wizard revolution. I don't know about that. Spinning makes me throw up. We're talking about doing something that could let us keep our powers forever. We just need one more wizard to help. Powers and forever, two of my favorite words. But "pie" and "filankee" are still up there. Yeah, yeah, I know "filankee" is not a word, but it's gonna catch on. Just be ready to cast a spell when we tell you to. All right, yeah, I'm in. Under one condition: after the revolution, you guys make me king of the wizard world, where I will eliminate spinning forever. - What?! - Just play along. Uh, you know, you got it, Max. You got it. Why don't you go upstairs and, uh, make a list of all the things you want as king. Sweet! Thanks, guys. - Thank you. - [bicycle bell rings] You're wasting your money, Justin. You're gonna see goes down the wrong path but she always does the right thing in the end. Then let's take a little look at the end, shall we? [cookie cracks] You can't stand up against 5,000 wizards who want to be wizards forever. [Harper] You're not really gonna do this, are you, Alex? Yes, Harper, I am. I hope that when this is over we can still be friends. There. Do you need any more proof? I don't believe in fortune cookies, except for this one that I got that said, "People are talking behind your back." And then when I turned around, they were. But Alex is gonna come to her senses, I know it. That's not a bet I'm willing to take. The wizard world has only one hope, and his name is Justin Vincenzo Pepe Russo. We need to get back to City Hall. Fine, but I'm taking fortune cookies.e I know at least one of them shows us kissing. [groans] A car with root beer kegs for wheels. What are you writing, Max? Just a list of demands for when I become king after the wizard revolution. Oh, I get it. It's for a creative writing class. Let me see what you got so far. "As king, I shall be served pudding for breakfast, lunch, and dinner." Jealous yet? I do that now. Hey, Alex, I think that you'll be glad to know as king, I've decided to let you all keep your feet. Thanks, Max. Hey, Stevie, to the Hall of Transfers and get a picture when it all goes down? I like the way you think, Russo. Max, why don't you come wtake our picture. I do love pressing buttons. Yeah, I'll go. Carry me to the Hall of Transfers. I'm the king. You know, this would be a lot more difficult without feet. OK, so we're here, and there's one very important thing missing: Alex. This looks nothing like your stupid fortune cookie. [groans] Now that looks something like your stupid fortune cookie. Harper, Justin, what are you guys doing here? You're not supposed to be here. Yeah. You guys are supposed to be building my king chair. If you're not gonna you're gonna lose 'em. You're not gonna get away with this. I mean, I might miss it 'cause I fainted but you're not gonna get away with this. Hello, Warren. Long time, no see. And we are going to get away with this. You can't stand up against 5,000 wizards who want to be wizards forever. You can forget about your stupid revolution, Stevie, because we've thought you'll never defeat. Say hello to our little surge protector! Hello, surge protector. Goodbye, surge protector. I always forget about other people with wands. Alex, you're not really gonna do this, are you? Yes, Harper, I am. I hope that when this is over we can still be friends. Stevie, let me get next to the power source. We can use that to make our revolution flag. Max, will you take our picture? Count to three and press this button right here. Now that's one fun-looking button. Come on, there's gotta be something we could do. Uh I know! Let's tilt this thing over. - Yeah. OK. - Come on. [both grunting] Yikes! Darn these smooth-soled shoes! Keep this away from your sister. But What, a pen? All right. One, two Wait! Wait, wait, OK. OK, Stevie, put your hand on the power source as if you were about to give up your powers. [laughs] Hilarious. [electricity crackling] [Max] Say cheese! And [gasps] Quick! the transfer button. This is worse than I thought! take all the powers for herself. - Justin! - Oh, my gosh, I get it now. Our sister is truly evil. [stammers] And it's nit's evil evil.l, Dad said if this ever happens change our names. Run, Giuseppe, run! No! We have to stop Alex from pressing the button. You guys don't get it. She froze Stevie so Warren could get his full powers. She's on our side. - Finally. - Harper! She just disobeyed the king! I said no button pushing. Give me your feet. - [bell rings] Power transfer complete. I'm a full wizard! This is everything that I ever wanted, plus a visor! Alex, what changed your mind? Nothing changed my mind. I set this whole thing up that Stevie was evil.lized I knew it! Just as I planned, another Russo victory. - Yes. - Uh-uh! Hold on. You can't claim Russo victory. You thought I was actually gonna go through with this. How dare you! And you! How dare you think I'd make you king. I'm not king? Aw, man! Only Harper eventually figured it out. No, I believed in you the whole time. Seriously? Yeah. Yeah, she did. See? This just proves my theory. - People outside of the Russos are better. - Uh-huh. Ow! She's so cold. [chuckling] - [hollow clang] - [cracking] Oh! Now that's a nice brother/sister moment. We should go celebrate at the Wizard County Fair. - Yeah, I'll drive. - Oh, sorry. It's Only People Who Believed in Alex Day. Come on, Harper. Well, I, uh, guess there's only one thing left to do: draw a mustache on him. I told him I wouldn't give it to Alex. Sorry things didn't work out with you and your friend. Oh, that's OK. Sometimes people aren't who they seem to be, but I'll always have my Harper. Yeah. And sometimes things are exactly what they seem to be. Like a bearded lady. [grunts] * I got me some pudding for dinner * Are you jealous? A bearded lady? Oh, man! Trade ya. Take a walk, pudding face.

{title:Uncle Ernesto} Where is Max? I want to start the meeting. My money's on "stuck in a well." Why would Max be stuck in a well? Because I put a well in his room. [door opening, closing] Guys, so sorry I'm late. - I got stuck in a well. - [chuckling] And thank you to Alex, I don't have to leave my room to get a drink of water anymore. Alex, go up to your brother's room and get rid of that well. But save the water, 'cause we need to make ice cubes. OK. I'll save the wood, too, so you can turn it into pulp and make napkins. Hey that is a great idea. You get on that! OK, tomorrow is your mother's birthday. Oh, do you guys give her magical gifts? You know Mom and magic. Not a fan. Great. I can give her my "I hate magic" t-shirt. Yeah, she'd probably like that. There's this whole shelf of magical gifts Uncle Kelbo gave her and she never even opened 'em. Let me guess, Alex opened them? Kuh-ah-ah! Alex does not know about this shelf. She thinks they're educational toys. And you are not gonna be the one to tell her about it. Don't worry. I won't say anything. Look, we don't have to worry about Kelbo's gift this year, because he's not coming to dinner. Uncle Kelbo's not coming to dinner? That's my gift to Mom. I call it. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Hey, Mom, here's a little pre-birthday present. Uncle Kelbo's not coming to your birthday dinner. Pretty good, huh? It's just gonna be the six of us. That's great, honey. It'll be just like every other dinner, right? Do I get to cook it, too? No, it's your birthday. It should be special. Why don't we invite over all of your cousins? They live so close but we never get to see them. No, no, no. No one from my side of the family is visiting. Can we at least invite Uncle Ernesto? Yeah, come on. He always has awesome stories about his travels all over the world. His stories aren't that great. I've got stories from my travels. Remember the time I almost hit the rat on the Brooklyn Bridge? I was like whoa! I'll never forget that time Uncle Ernesto took me to that Mets game. He caught a foul ball and gave it to me. That was like, ten years ago. How about you get another story about some grown-up that likes you. Ten years, Theresa. I think they're old enough to understand now. Yeah, Mom, come on. What is it? Are you embarrassed of us? If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs spearing things. No, honey, I've numbed out "embarrassed" long, long ago. Then what is it, Mom? We used to have so much fun with Uncle Ernesto. Yeah. That was before your powers came in. Remember the next time he took you to a Mets game? You guys used magic to make every foul ball come straight to you. - [chuckles] Oh, yeah. - After that, I can't risk him finding out about magic. Well So, what, you're just gonna ignore your brother forever? That actually sounds like a good idea. I've thought about having Ernesto over so many times but you guys are way too careless with wizardry. Well OK, what about this: What if we promised that if Uncle Ernesto came over, it would be a magic-free evening? I would love to have Ernesto over, but you guys can't go ten minutes without using magic. Mom, I've been holding back using magic all day. You don't think I want to turn Justin's ugly shirt into something uglier? You don't think I want to put a zipper on Alex's face? - If you promise - We promise. - Promise. - Promise, promise. Then I guess we can have Ernesto over. Yay for family. Oh, Harper, you don't have to go to such extremes for my birthday cake. I'd be just as happy with a candle in a cupcake. Well, let her make the cake, honey. Ooh, that would be good. Harper, can you make a honey cake? I can put in whatever you want. Making a birthday cake from scratch is a Finkle family tradition. All right. Wands are in the Lair. The well is gone. We are in a magic-free zone. - Happy birthday, Mom. - Thank you, mija. This is gonna be the best birthday ever. Oh, I hope I didn't just jinx it. - [doorbell ringing] - Oh, that's Uncle Ernesto. OK, whatever you guys do, do not use magic. Yes, Justin, why don't you say it louder? - Hey! - Hey! How you doing? Nice to see you. What's up, man? - Hey, Theresa! - Ernesto! - Oh, you look great. - I know! And you still look like you're 27 years old. - I know! - [chuckling] You haven't changed, have you? Has she told you how wildly popular she was in high school? [scoffing] Today? Not yet. Well, I was wildly popular, too. But am I the only one here? Where's the rest of the family? Oh, well, I got so excited when I invited you and you said you'd come that I forgot to invite anybody else. - Jerry? - Um Long time, no see, Ernesto. How've you been? Oh, terrific. I've been terrific, actually. I just came back from a trip down to Mexico, and while I was there, I helped rescue the President of Mexico's cat. So they gave me the key to the country! Wow! Now we can get into Mexico, even after it's closed, and on the weekends. All right. I was just kidding about the key. But I did save the President of Mexico's cat, and in return, he gave me a job. Head of security. For the cat. Oh, so that would make you a catsitter? Alex You look wonderful. You look like a grown up young lady. Aw. See, everybody? It's possible to say that without being sarcastic. And, Justin! Look at you, man. Pretty soon, you're gonna be taller than me. I already am taller than you, Uncle Ernesto. Well, if your mother's 27, then I'm taller than you. Now, I know it's your mother's birthday but I still got you guys a little something-something. Aw, thank you. That's so sweet of you. Hi. Hello. I'm Harper. I live with the Russos. Where's my little something-something? Oh Harper, nice to meet you. I'm sorry. If I knew you were here, I would've brought you chocolate fudge or something. Oh. No worries. Being forgotten is like an old, comfortable pair of shoes. Well, how about a giant novelty key that I bought in Times Square? Ah! This is fine for now, but now that you know I exist, I expect something better next time. OK. Why don't we all just sit down, relax, and Alex and Justin can open up their gifts. You guys are gonna love it. It is a classic Latin American game called Balero. Ah. And if I'm not mistaken, Balero is Spanish for "something really cool and expensive." And I'm mistaken. And for Theresa, I got our home movies transferred to a DVD - [gasping] - and our most precious memories in a scrapbook. Oh, Ernesto. It's wonderful. Hey - Uncle Ernesto! - Max. Hey, I got you a gift. It's those shoes you wanted when you were little, the ones with the springs on the bottom. Remember how you said you wanted to jump to the moon? Wow, thank you. But, I don't really need those. I've been to Mars. - To Mars? - Uh What he means to say is he's been to a Mars-themed restaurant in mid-town. Yep. It's called T.J.I., you know Mars. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I was just distracted by this gift that came for Mom from Uncle Kelbo. - Open it, Mom. - Max, why don't you get that out of here? All right. I'll take it down to the Lair. Um Lair? Uh He means fort. We have a fort. We built a fort. Can someone go down and make sure that Kelbo's gift - gets into the fort? - I'll go. - I meant you. - Yeah, you got it. I'm just gonna go to the fort. A fort sounds like fun, man. I built a fort once in the woods. Yeah, it was so amazing that the park rangers turned it into a gift shop where they sold mini versions of that fort. Well, I've slept outside on our terrace. In the rain. Why would you do that? In case I ran into someone with a story like that, so I could top it. Topped. All right, well, let's go check out this fort. No, no! We can't, because we have to move the furniture like Theresa's always wanted. - Happy birthday, honey. - Oh, thank you! It's what I've always wanted. Uh Ernesto, could you give me a hand? Yes, I can give you a hand. Yeah, Jerry! Go, do it! You can move it! Just kidding. Topped. Max! Max, we are trying to give Mom a magic-free birthday. Don't bring any of Uncle Kelbo's crazy magic gift upstairs. Fine, I'll put it on the shelf with the others. Others? Did you just say that shelf is full of crazy magic gifts? Um, no. You said crazy magic gifts. I just said shelf. I can't believe it. I never touched those! Dad told me those were educational toys. Max You knew about this and you didn't open up the gifts? When I first heard about the shelf I was too short to reach it, so, naturally, I forgot about it. I'm trying to forget about stuff I can't reach. Leaves more room up here for important stuff. Oh, look. "Party in a Box." Open the lid and turn any room into an instant party. Well, I am dying to do that. What are you guys doing? - You showed her the shelf, didn't ya? - Yup. Forget about this, Alex. We're supposed to be upstairs having nothing to do with magic and that's where we're going. Yeah, but there's a whole shelf of crazy magic gifts nobody ever told me about. And, ooh Look at this one. This one sounds like it's a time-traveling pocket watch. - You know you want it. - No, I do not want it. Why would I want that? We're not supposed to be using magic - so let's go. Come on! - Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Alex, that's not even how you do it. Give it here. I'll show you. Oooh. It's a magic Swiss Shoulder Bag. It has everything in it you need to survive. Just like a wizard Swiss Army Knife. Including a mini-magic wand. It's just a toothpick. - All right. We're opening presents. Love it! - Yes! Here we go. - Perfect. - What? It will complete my collection. - Of what? - Of things I have no idea what they are. Max, it's a toy chicken in a box. [clucking] "Fu-chicken." A chicken that tells the future. Ask it a question about the future and when it lays its egg, the answer is inside. Really? I'm gonna ask it if I'll ever be able to pull off skinny jeans. Look, I'll answer that. No. OK Which one of us will win the wizard competition? I need to know if all this "studying" is paying off. [clucking] Nicely done. Now we have to wait for it to lay the answer egg. You kidding me? I don't have that kind of time. Maybe I can squeeze it out of him. - [Max grunting] - Here, wait! Wait! Get the chicken! Look! Look at this. Uh huh. Please note: Scaring the Fu-chicken will cause it to lay various breakfasts, delaying the answer egg. We need to go get that chicken before it lays magic waffles in front of Uncle Ernesto. How did it lay the plate? Whoa! Did the magic chicken move all the furniture around? - What? - Uh Max calls Dad "Magic Chicken." Oh, uh, right. And I call him "Boy Who Should Stop Talking." What's going on? There's gifts from Uncle Kelbo we weren't supposed to open, but we did, Mom hates magic, there's a magic chicken, if you see waffles, don't ask where they came from, just enjoy them. Wait, people are eating waffles? I made cake. Aw. Look at you guys, picking up right where you left off. - Happy birthday, Mom. - It was all Alex's idea, you know, inviting you. Uh Now, now. Come on. I'm not one to take credit or blame. Let's just say that this was everybody's idea, OK? You'll want to remember that for later. - Hey! Magic chicken! - [clucking] Hey, Jerry, your son's calling you. What? Oh, right. We do love our nicknames in this family. [chuckling] Don't we, "What Should We Do Now?" Yep. That's my nickname. My nickname is: "I'm Sorry, Mom, and Remember I'm the Good One, Usually the Victim." That's kind of long, isn't it? Hey, let's watch go watch some home movies in our new living area, or as I believe they're called now the "great room." Oh, no. No movies. New plan. We, we act them out. I'll be Mom, Justin, you're Ernesto. And you are Grandma Maggie. Go! OK OK. Um, I'm Grandma Maggie. Here's the story of my bicycle tour across America. Why is there a chicken on the terrace? Well, off the record, the chicken is gonna lay an egg that's gonna tell us who's gonna win the wizard competition. Now, on the record, I don't what chicken? OK, look someone found a chicken on the street and then brought it into the house. We can explain that. And lots of people raise their own chickens so they don't have to pay for eggs, or [clucking] or plates of waffles with fruit salad?! - We can't explain that! - OK, I'll get rid of it. Yes, you will. And, wrap up the waffles in some foil. You can just toss the fruit salad. - Uh - And then I forgot which state was downhill. OK, "Boy Who Should Stop Talking," go wash up on the terrace with "What Should We Do Now" and "I'm Usually The Victim." - Grab the chicken. Get it! - [clucking] - Get it, Alex! - [groaning] He still hasn't laid the answer egg. Must be waiting right there in his chicken butt. OK, I have an idea. Max, why don't you distract the chicken, - and I'll catch it in this box. - But that's Dad's good box. That's the box he was gonna use to store his favorite paper bags. Justin, we have to do something to save Mom's "no-magic birthday." [sighing] All right, Max. Distract the chicken. Do your "distract the chicken" dance. [sighing] Thought you'd never ask. [clucking] - [Justin] Alex! - Oh, right. Sorry. That was so good you distracted me. - [clucking] - OK, I got it. I got it. Put it in. Magic chicken problem solved. Now, let's get in there and act like nothing's going on. Or Or Max could stay here and watch it and wait for it to lay the answer egg. [clucking] All right. Fine. - All right. - [clucking] - Boo! - [clucking] Ah, my favorite. Body-temperature oatmeal. Oh, look at us. We are so cute! Look how much fun they're having. Aren't you glad we didn't ruin it for them? Yep, got it all under control. It's not like your bag is glowing or anything. I know. My bag is glowing. - OK! I'm here to help! - Uh Um where did he come from? - Uh, this is - Our superintendant. He has keys to all the apartments and lets himself in whenever he wants. Yes, Cliff, thank you for coming. The toilet is backed up. Let me show you where it is. - [clucking] - Hey! Get back here, magic chicken. - I got him! I - [clucking] Chicken? I hate chickens. Get it away from me. [whimpering] Hello, Cliff. Yeah, I don't think this is the kind of birthday party your mom was looking for, Alex. Relax. At least I didn't open the "Party in a Box." - I - [dance music playing] All right. What's going on? Where did all that come from? It's a surprise birthday party for me! Yes, that's exactly what it is. Everybody, surprise! Surprise. [all] Surprise! They are always surprising me. Everywhere I look, there's always a surprise. Alex, why don't you come outside onto the terrace with me, so I can thank you for the surprise. Oh, no thank you, Mom. Whatever you need to say, you can say in front of the witnesses. What is going on in there? If you would have told me that my birthday reunion with Ernesto was gonna be a three-ring, dance party, chicken-squawking, elf circus, I would've said, "Uh no thanks." I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean for all this to happen. You never mean it, do you, Alex? Yet it always happens. I should have known better than to trust you. Mom, I know how much you've sacrificed for us. [police siren wailing] I just wanted you to give you a special birthday with Uncle Ernesto. Then Uncle Kelbo sent a magic chicken that tells the future. It was too tempting. Yeah. Magic is always too tempting for you, isn't it? - [door slamming] - And I had to lie to my own brother about what's going on. Which is exactly what I was trying to avoid in the first place. I'm sorry, Mom! What What happened to the party? I had to use the police siren chirp spell. [mimicking police siren] Everyone scattered. Where's Ernesto? He didn't see you use magic, did he? No, no. He left during the chaos. But, he did have that look on his face that most people get when they're with us more than an hour. So it's official. He hates us, or he's confused by us, or both. Got it! The magic chicken finally laid the answer egg. Now we can find out who wins the wizard competition. I'll take that. Alex? [disposal churning] What'd you do that for?! It's my lame attempt at showing Mom that we can make sacrifices for her, too. Well, now we're never gonna find out who wins the wizard competition. How about right after we have the wizard competition? I trust the chicken more. I'm sorry, Mom. I appreciate the sacrifice, Alex. Whoo! Cake's ready! Yay! Harper, things are still tense. Thank you for making the cake, Harper. It's beautiful and it looks delicious. Oh, no we don't eat it. The Finkle tradition is that you make a cake from scratch, then use rolling pins to smash it, together as a family. It's the one time a year we let out our frustrations. And I think the cake is ready just in time. No one hit me in the face, I'm goin' in. Let the cake-smushing begin on the count of three. One All right. Everybody smush! - Whoo! - [giggling] - Yeah! - Smush! That's great! - [knocking at door] - [doorbell ringing] [sighing] Ernesto? You came back! Of course, I came back. It turned into a party, so I brought [gasping, screaming] Francisco, Angel, Rosa, and the twins! [squealing] Oh, I can't believe you're here! Hey, what happened to the party? You're making me look bad in front of my family. Uh Well, I don't want to lie to you. The police showed up and everybody scattered. - I - [sighing] I've thrown great parties like that before. It happens when you're wildly popular. - Well - You've got great timing. We were just about to sing happy birthday to the smushed cake. OK, great, but let's do it like our family does it. Yeah. All right, gather 'round. And three, two, one [all singing in Spanish] - Did you make a wish? - I don't have to. It's already come true. [singing in Spanish continues] - Hey, guys! - [gasping] - Uncle Ernesto! - I can explain. No need to explain. I know what this room is. It's Max's fort. I always suspected it. All right, everybody out. You heard Uncle Ernesto. It's my fort. Max, this is an amazing fort. Almost as amazing as mine. But not so amazing that they would build a gift shop where they would sell miniature versions of it. I'd love to use magic to make this a real-sized fort. - [together] Max! - [grunting] - I bet you would, Max. - Yeah. That's how amazing this fort is. When people see it, they wish they had magic.

{title:Misfortune at the Beach} Here it comes Ahhh! It's almost my turn. My turn. Ahhh! Now, me! Ahhh! Who are we kidding? This is just blowing hot air around. When is this heat gonna end? Jerry, honey, we need an air conditioner. We don't need air conditioning. We've got armpit ice. See, it cools Oh! and deodorizes. This is the hottest summer ever. I was just standing in front of the air conditioning display at the hardware store until Old Man Greenwald yelled at me for not buying anything. So I bought you a screwdriver. Happy Mother's Day. Oh, thanks, honey, I I can use it to pry open your father's wallet and buy us an air conditioner. Dad, can we please close up and go to the beach? No. We are gonna take advantage of this heat. We can cook the pastrami without even turning the oven on. Justin, you're hogging the fan. Harper, you know what this heat and humidity does to my sinuses. OK? I have to keep them properly ventilated or I start to snort. There it is. Hey, guys. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be outside at the beach. Oh no, he's delirious. He must've eaten one of those pastrami sandwiches you're cooking on the roof. From street scene to beach scene! Ah, paradise. Oh, hey, welcome to my own private beach. It's, uh nice, but it's missing something. The ocean? Good point. Oceans and seas, waves and tides Fine. We'll close up the shop and go to the beach. Babies. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What seems Come on, Jerry. Hurry up. I want to get a good spot at the beach. I hope I didn't forget anything from home. I know what you forgot, Dad. The shirt that matches those shorts. Oh, those college boys. They're being so obvious. - I'm married! - To me. This is gonna be so great. I can't wait to just sit on the beach and read my book. Alex, feel free to elbow me if any cute guys walk by. Ow! He wasn't that cute. I'll be down by the water, convincing Boogie boarders they should wear helmets and protective eyewear. Hey. Hey, man, check it out. It's a fortune teller machine. Max, no! Never get a fortune from one of these. For humans, it's a harmless arcade game, but for wizards, the fortunes are very real. Really? Why? Because Zelzar is actually from the wizard world. If a wizard requests a fortune from him, he's required to give them a real one. Aw! Now I want one even more. You really need to work on your warning speeches. Listen, you might get a bad one and then, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Stay away from Zelzar. Do you hear me? - Fine. - OK, I got it. Well, for once a human can do something a wizard can't. Yeah. Uh Zelzar, one fake fortune for a human, please. Zelzar! "You are admired by many." Oh, I don't get it. This one's true. Isn't it? Attention, Boogie boarders! You are in a rip tide! Swim parallel! It's your only chance! Shut up, old lady! Mom, you were wrong. This hat does not look cool. Harper, yeah, I'd like to put the barbecue there so the smoke doesn't blow back on us. Oh, OK, I'll move. I just need a comfy spot to read my book. Sorry, Harper, but I need that spot for my umbrella. I'm gonna tan just my legs. OK, I'll just find another comfy spot. Together forever! You broke up with me over text message Yeah, you want me back I know you do - Alex. - You said my sister wouldn't know Alex! What? You're singing too loud. I can't read my book. Sorry. Together forever! Baby, baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Ohhh - Zelzar! - Max, what are you doing? Dad told us not to get a fortune. Come on, Justin, he's just worried about us getting bad fortunes. This one's gonna be a good one. Watch. "You will receive a sweet surprise." Oh, that does sound like a good one. Free ice cream? Thank you! And it's called "Sweet Surprise." These fortunes are extremely well-detailed. Yeah, you should get a fortune. No, no, no, just because you got a good one doesn't mean I'll get a good one, too. OK, suit yourself. I mean, I'd like to get a fortune, but Dad warned us. But then again, you did get a good one, and I'd probably get a good one, too. Probably. OK, fine, stop hounding me. I'm doing it. Zelzar! "You will attract the attention of a stranger." Hey, stranger. Did you see that? She gave me the flirty fingers! - This is awesome! - I know. What are the odds of you meeting a girl named Stranger? OK Harper, honey, stop playing with the smoke. It's dangerous. Oh, the fire's going out. Harper, give me some pages from your book. I'm still reading this. I'm talking about the pages you already read. I haven't read anything yet! All right, that's it. I'm gonna go read somewhere else. Come on, Alex. OK. Oh, hey, don't bring that book, though. People will think we're nerds. Alex! The Zelzar machine really works. Max and I got great fortunes. Yeah. It told me I was gonna get a sweet surprise, and I got a free ice cream bar. Oh my gosh! That's a totally lame coincidence! Yeah, but my fortune said I would attract the attention of a stranger, and this really pretty girl waved at me. And I even got her number. That machine didn't give you a fortune, it gave you a miracle. - Alex, you gotta try it. - All right, give me a quarter. No, your dad said wizards shouldn't use it. Yeah, and if he knew it could lead to free ice cream, he'd change his tune. All right, Alex, now whatever good stuff you get, you have to share with us because we got you to do it. Zelzar! "Say goodbye to your life." You don't have to share that one with us. "Say goodbye to your life." This is not good. This is really not good. Now, wait a minute. Let's not jump to conclusions. "Say goodbye to your life" could mean a lot of things. It could mean your life is ending. Or your days are numbered. You're definitely not getting a sweet surprise. Sorry, Alex. There's just no way to spin this in a positive manner. What are we gonna do? Look, I'll handle it like I handle all of life's problems. Ignore it until it goes away. OK? Now, let's get back to our day on the beach. Well, that's a little hard to ignore. Please, Zelzar. We know you're from the wizard world. You have to take back my fortune. I don't think he's gonna talk to us. Here, let me try. Hey, hey! Stop that. Look, young lady wizard, I'm sorry you got a fortune you didn't like, but you know the deal, so, move along. There are some tour buses coming through, and I love out-of-town quarters. OK, I made a mistake. I know you're just doing your job, but I can't say goodbye to my life forever like the fortune says, I'm only 17! "Boo hoo." Alex, we'd better tell your dad. No, no, Zelzar just needs a little convincing. Max, show him the sword. Hey, Zelzar, I got a sweet surprise for you. Alex, Max, you can't scare a fortune-telling wizard. No? All right, all right, I'll help you! Scaredy-cat. Take back my fortune. I'm not supposed to, but maybe we could work something out. You see, for years I've been watching people come to the beach, laugh, eat all sorts of delicious fried goodies, meet girls while I sit in this box. If you let me have some fun on the beach I'll take back your fortune. Well, I hope sitting quietly on the beach and reading a book isn't on your list, 'cause that's not gonna happen. OK, you've got a deal. Why don't you grab your sun block and loosen up your genie pants, because you're about to have the best day of your life. One tiny problem. - I'm not allowed to leave this machine unattended. - No problem. One of my brothers will take your place in the machine while we're gone. Well, it's not gonna be me, because I get claustrophobic. It's actuall.. Quite roomy in here. I'll do it. I love roomy claustrophobic places. All right. Hello, beach. Here comes Zelzar! Vise versa. Max and Zelzar Reverse-a. Oh, yeah! Feels good to stretch my legs! Check it out! I have legs! Sweet! I have a mustache and a beard! And they're itchy, just like I always dreamed they would be! Uh, I better stay here with Max. I have a feeling his fortunes might come out a little Max-ish. This is so exciting. I I don't know what to do first. Watch out! Oh my gosh, Alex. That giant mallet almost took your head off. - Are you all right? - Yeah, for now. Let's just give this guy a couple hours on the beach, so that he can take back my fortune. OK, Zelzar, what do you want to do first? Use one of these disposable cameras, so that I can remember all of this! Maxar! Uh, excuse me, sir. One second. I'm the fortune teller machine quality control inspector guy. Uh, I have to ask you to stand right there. "Mustache and beard. Jealous?" This is actually why I've been inspecting these machines. Vague fortunes. What Zelzar is actually trying to say, is that "Jealousy is a very hairy subject." So yeah, why don't you go take b walk and think about that. "Ouch." Guys, the beach is so much fun! Yeah, maybe for you. She's almost been taken out by a mallet, a corn dog, and a seagull. Yeah, and if we didn't have all those pictures, no one would believe it. OK, Zelzar, you've had a great time at the beach. Let's take back my bad fortune. Not so fast. I haven't talked to any beach beauties yet. What? No. You're not Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Harper. - That was close. - A little too close. One of these near misses is not going to be a near miss. Great, where did Zelzar go? Let's just spread out and find him. Nice try, Harper. You're sticking with me. Maxar! Sir, excuse me! I'm with the machine. "How do you like my mustache?" It's quite comical, actually. What he's trying to say is that Maxar! "My mustache can beat up your mustache." Don't know why I keep reading these out loud. Well, sir, why don't you enjoy. Move right along. There's a pack of seagulls! There are several of them! What is your obsession with facial hair? When you become a man you'll know. First time at the beach? Whoo! It's my first time, and I am enjoying the view. I'm married. You must have seen my husband over there barbecuing and thought he was my personal chef. I look a lot richer than I am. Great, we have to get him away from her before my dad realizes who he is. Zelzar, OK, come on. You've had your time at the beach and even flirted with a beach beauty, who is my mom. So gross. It's time for you to take back my fortune. - Alex - You've gotta be kidding me! Come on Zelzar, it's time to take back my fortune. Sorry! You want to tell your dad now? Daddy! I need your help. I got a fortune from Zelzar, and he won't take it back no matter what I do. I'm sorry, I should have listened to you. - Here's what the fortune says. - "Say goodbye to your life." Oh, mija. Yeah, you might not want to stand so close to her. Dad, Zelzar said that he would take back my fortune if I gave him have a day at the beach, but he keeps putting it off. Look, Zelzar. My daughter's in danger. And it sounds like you made a promise. And you ate two of my burgers! 'Cause they are delicious! Oh, thanks. The secret is the onion soup mix is mixed into the meat Daddy! Right! Zelzar, take her fortune back. Yeah, about that I'm having too much fun on the beach. I think I might wait a while before I get back in that box. But that wasn't the deal! Everyone just needs to calm down, OK? Calm down! There's no need to get upset over a few silly fortunes. You call this a fortune? "Grow a beard and join my beard club." - What does that even mean? - Who knows? Look, if you want to destroy the thing, fine, destroy it. I'm not gonna stop you. Those two are ruining the fortune-telling business that I've built up over the last century. I gotta get back in there. OK, I'll put you back in there, but you know what you promised to do. All right, all right. I can't erase your fortune, but I can transfer it to the next paying customer. I'm good with that. You? Yeah. I hope it's that flying rat. All right, deal. Get him back in the box. I can't do the spell, there's too many people! Hey, look, everyone! That unattended barbecue just set the lifeguard tower on fire! Good thinking, Harper. Actually, I'm not lying. Your dad's grill tipped over. - My burgers! - My book! My floppy hat! Wow, that was a blast! Wait, where's my beard and mustache? Here come the firemen. Guys, I'm married! You know what? Let's just go home. Wait Oh, no, that little girl's gonna get my old fortune. This is horrible. Zelzar! Poor girl. Hang on there, little girl. I'm Hal Art, host of Random Prize Giveaway. Say goodbye to your life, because we're randomly giving you one million dollars! What? That's my money! That's my money! That's my money! It's mine! Ok here it comes . Ahhh! - OK, my turn. - Ohhh! Who needs air conditioning? Ah my mustache would've really enjoyed this. This is so much better than a day at the beach. I'm gonna finish this book, no matter what. Oh It's broke. It's broke. How do we fix it? Wait. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. Fix the fan, make it right. Make it blow with all its might. Great. Thanks, Alex. - Ah! Oh! - All right - Whoa! - Wait! Too much might! Too much might! Turn it off!

{title:Dude Looks Like Shakira} Where's your Uncle Kelbo? Your father and I are going to miss our train. Just go on your trip. What's the worst that could happen if we're not chaperoned for four minutes? Oh, I don't know. A magic black hole could open up and suck the Sub Station down into it. [scoffs] That doesn't happen twice, Mother. But if it did, you wouldn't be mad if I had an egg battle when you're gone, right? OK, what I don't understand is how you think leaving us with Uncle Kelbo is any better than leaving us alone. Or with Max in charge. I'm in charge? Egg battle on. - OK, OK. - [phone beeps] Kelbo's on his way. Let's get out of here. We are going to have the most romantic vacation slash restaurant supply convention ever! Yeah, nothing says romance like a seminar on how to prevent mustard bottles from making that farting sound. Well, look at that. Five seconds later, we're all still alive. Now let me get back to my chores. While you do nothing, as usual, I'll be getting things ready for the shindig I'm hosting. "Shindig?" In a continuing effort to have the full senior year experience, I'm going to dabble in a bit of rebellion by hosting a mixer while Mom and Dad are out of town. - A "mixer?" - Uh-huh. Is that something less lame than calling it a "boy/girl party?" As if you've ever been to one. Hey I've been to lots of boy/girl parties. Oh, OK. Having Zeke over and me and Harper walk through is not a boy/girl party. Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand? - Shakira? - Yeah. I'm on tour with the Harlem Globetrotters and our tour bus broke down. And the only way to fix it is singing a duet with a fan. Are you a fan? - Yeah, no, we're huge fans! - Really? You came at a bad time, though, 'cause I'm crazy busy with an egg battle. Well, I guess then it's up to you because if I don't sing a duet, I'm never gonna get that bus fixed. Random. [* Shakira: Gypsy] * Broke my heart down the road * * Spent the weekend sewing the pieces back on * * Crayons and dolls pass me by * * Walking gets too boring * When you learn how to fly * Not the homecoming kind * Take the top off * And who knows what you might find * * Won't confess all my sins * You can bet I'll try it * But you can't always win * 'Cause I'm a gypsy * Are you coming with me? Oh, gosh! - Uncle Kelbo? - Uncle Kelbo! [Kelbo] Yes, it's me! The responsible adult while your parents are away on their romantic vacation. Sister! Brother! Let's dance! Well, that bus ain't gonna fix itself. No, it ain't! * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * The best thing about being International Pop Star Shakira is that I get to live the double life of an international pop star and the weird, freaky, weird life of myself. That's right, I said "weird" twice, to emphasize "freaky." But won't Shakira be upset to find out you've been impersonating her? You wanna hear a secret? [laughs] There is no Shakira! I made her up years ago! [laughs] Take that, world. Wow, wait So, Shakira's really you? - Mm-hm. - Do you know how many boys have been kissing your poster? One of them's your brother. I do have a problem though because I keep on transforming into Shakira at the oddest times. Last week I was at Curved Lines, the wizard gym for men, and, um, before I knew it, I was Shakira, I had a lot of explaining to do in the sauna that day. Let me guess, you panicked and flashed out. - You really get me. - Yeah. Look, if I get busted I'm in big trouble. There's a strict law about using magic for fame and fortune. It's one of the main Hold on, there are 11 wizard rules? My dad said there was just one: "What your mother doesn't know won't hurt her." Alex, I so need your help. I mean, who does a rule breaker turn to in a time of need? Another rule breaker. OK, I'm on it. All right. Now, first things first. We cannot tell Justin. He'll just report you to the Wizard Council. Second things second, don't tell me, 'cause I'm probably gonna forget and tell Justin. OK, we won't tell you. Tell me what? You're good. Invites to my mixer. Right here. Mixer. Huh? Huh? Huh? [groans] It's gonna be great, there'll be people mingling and and mixing, there'll be a sparkling fruit beverage. [gasps] That's just fancy talk for punch, Russo. Are there gonna be chicks? Are there gonna be chicks? My friend, it's not called a "boy/girl party" for nothing. "Boy/girl party?" What, are you nine? What I meant was "bubble party." MacGruder out. Hate to burst your bubble party. Boop, boop, boop, boop, beep, beep, beep boop, beep, boop, boop Whoa. Is that Shakira? MacGruder back in. - Shakira? - No, no, no Justin. It's not actually Um Shakira's bus broke down. - Shakira. - Apparently he's only capable of saying Shakira. - Shakira! - See. I'll come to your party if Shakira's going to be there. Good question. Shakira? I'd love to come to your party. I love my fans. Especially those who say my name over and over. - Shakira, Shakira, Shakira - No, no, no! No, um No. Shakira cannot come to your party. Right, Shakira? Oh, no, no. I'm coming. Yeah, Uncle Kelbo loves parties. Oh look, another random comment from Max. Now I know what you guys are always talking about. Shakira's coming to my mixer! I've got to tell everyone. [Justin] Everybody, Shakira's coming to my party! Well that was the worst possible thing you could've done. Until we find out what's causing this, you can't show up at a party. You might pop back and forth between Shakira and Kelbo in front of everyone. Like that! OK, I'm sorry, I've spent a long time creating a reputation for Shakira as someone who cares about her fans, and I'm not gonna let them down now. [Justin] She's gonna teach me how to dance! OK. Let's see "uncontrollable transformations. See page 685." OK. "See page 532." OK. "Stop flipping and call a doctor." What? I found something! - Wow! Wow! - Great. The tallest mountain in the wizard world contains the world's largest dwarf mine. Great. We just solved his problem. What? Uh That's a wizard trivia book. We didn't solve anything. We didn't? No. I still feel kinda weird. My eyes are all watery and itchy and I still feel like gyrating in form-fitting Lycra. All right, look. I think we should just go to Justin. If he tells the Wizard Council, so be it, I'll just have to face my magical punishment. And what's that? Well, they remove your ability to hold a wand by breaking both of your hands. Well, what's magical about that? A dragon does it. Oh, Uncle Kelbo, is this the transformation spell you used to become Shakira? "When you're tired of the same old story, turn some pages Trash can." [Max] What are you guys staring at? Max, you're a trash can. And you're a terrible older sister. No, dude, you really turned yourself into a rusty trash can. Ow! What? Oh, this is awesome! Every two minutes something gross and exciting will be thrown in me. Hopefully rotten eggs for my egg battle. Aw, man. It wore off already. Wait. Max. You didn't do a spell to change back? Why would I? I was living the dream. Why? Because Kelbo can't control his transformations either. It says here that you can catch a wizard sickness from a spell that has been contaminated. Well, I have been feeling kinda sick. In that weird wizard way, when you get all gassy, but it's in your left calf. - Right? Ew. - Wait Itchy, watery eyes, calf gas, uncontrollable transformation you're both sick. Max, you must have been infected when you used the transformation spell. [Max] Oh no, another infection? This one better leave a scar. Guys! Guess what? OK So, remember how nobody was coming to my party, right? Well, now everybody's coming to my party because of Shakira. It's gonna be one for the history books. OK. Yeah, that's That's very funny but you better not do that when the real Shakira's here. There is only one Shakira and I'm her. But I can't control when I turn into her. - [gasps] - So, uh How's your day going? Justin, I thought I had this wizard germ handled, but I don't, I need your help. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go straight to the Wizard Council with this. Be Because I'm family? Since when did you ever start caring about family? Hey! Family is important. They're the people that have to be nice to you, no matter what. Justin! Justin If you turn Kelbo in, all you're going to do is remind them that you're related to him. And me. Keep talking. Look, if you help, when I'm 30 and Mom and Dad kick me out of the house, I promise I will not move in with you and your cute but irritating wife. Good. Because Stephanie and I both agree that it's high time you stopped bouncing between our guest bedroom and jail. And yes, that's right, her name will be Stephanie. Great. I'm gonna go cancel the party. You get to work finding a cure. OK. [snaps] All right. Attention please. Attention. I have an announcement. Justin's stupid party has been cancelled. - [students groaning] - [girl] What? What about Shakira? Shakira is gone. Because her bus got fixed and now her tour with the Harlem Globetrotters can resume. So, anyone wanting to see Shakira should just, well, wake up and smell the roses. She's an international pop star. Why would she want to come to a run-down sandwich shop on the verge of bankruptcy? Why should we trust you? She's always trying to pull stuff on us. [students] Yeah! That is an excellent question. All right, now I know I usually can't be trusted [students chatter in agreement] but, but this time I'm not putting one over on you. I'm putting one over on Justin by getting you to not go to his party. - [all] Ah - [girl] That makes sense. So you're not putting one over on us? Oh, of course not. OK then. You know, It feels good to be on the inside. Yeah, no, you are so on the inside. - Yeah. MacGruder in side. - [Alex] Yeah. OK, we need to get the germ out of you guys, by drinking this smoothie made of troll liver, dragon tongue, cinnamon and elf eye-boogers. [wincing] Oh! Eew! I hate cinnamon. You know how this is going to turn out, don't you? Spit take! I hate it! I hate it! I'm not drinking it. [Max] Hey Justin, just dump mine in me. No, no, no, wait, wait! Drink it, then spit it in me. Like a mommy bird. All right. Nobody make fun of my big can. The smoothie only worked halfway. Well, I don't think I should drink any of that. You don't want to see Shakira's head ruin this body. Sorry, people. Party cancelled. No sense hanging around. Move it along. - Wait. That's Shakira! - [all] What? Nobody on this block is that hot. Come on everybody! Shakira's here! I'm gonna stare at her 'til I'm arrested! Wait, no! No. That's just one of those crazy dancing balloons that gets you to come into the restaurant and you don't fall for it! [Alex] Wait. Alex, Uncle Kelbo's upstairs. You were supposed to get rid of everyone. They saw Shakira and they're not gonna leave until they see her. She's must be up there. Shakira, come down, - or we're coming up! - No! - What are we gonna do? - OK, well We have no choice. We gotta give 'em what they want. OK, so we'll show them Shakira and then they'll leave. OK, all right, people. Calm down. Shakira's not gonna come down unless you behave yourselves. That's exactly right. She's on a tight schedule. She's gonna make an appearance and then she's gonna leave. Shakira, are you up there?! [Shakira] Yeah, it's me! [Kelbo] Uh, wait a second [Shakira] Never mind. I'm back. OK, OK. Well, come down here and meet your fans. Quickly. Because you're on a tight schedule that could change at any moment. [kids cheering] I love New York City! That's where we live, Shakira! That's right. All right. Thank you, Shakira. I hope everybody had a great time. Goodbye! [dance music plays] Wait. I'm International Pop Star Shakira and I must dance. - Uh! No! - Shakira! - Shakira, dance back upstairs! - Shakira! - Shakira, no! - Shakira, wait, wait - Shakira! - Maybe if we say it in Spanish. - [Spanish accent] Shakira! - [Spanish accent] Shakira! Jerry, our kids are having a party while we're gone. With Shakira. Let's dance. What happened to Shakira? Yeah, what happened to Shakira? Oh What's going on here? I was fine with spontaneously dancing with Shakira. But now that I know it's Kelbo, [groans] I'm very disappointed in all of you. It It's Justin's party. Alex. It was Dad's idea to leave us with Kelbo. Which was totally misguided and I apologize. Wizard rule number one: Thou shall not expose magic to non-wizards. You know what's worse than Kelbo breaking wizard rule number one? Me breaking wizard rule number one. I'm too young to have my hands broken. There's so much I want to build. Great. Follow me. OK, uh Everybody, There's been a mistake. You all thought that Shakira was coming to the party, but actually it's a "Come as Shakira to the Party" Party. Yeah. You can hardly tell the difference, huh? MacGruder and crowd out. Great, MacGruder just left. What are we doing? I think I understand what was going on here and I'm not happy about it. Hey, guys. Is it Is it family picture day already? OK, I have no idea what's going on here. [dance music plays] Alex, before I leave, we need to make a prank call. Well, you must be feeling better. Oh, so much better. You know, all that smoothie needed was a little more eye-booger, It was fantastic and it got rid of that horrible cinnamon taste. Beep, beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, beep, boop. Boopy doopy doop. [with accent] Hello, Justin Russo? This is Professor Lotion from the Wizard Council. We've received reports that you have been breaking sacred wizard rules. Please hold for vice-chairman. [English accent] Hello. This is Vice-Chairman Higglebottom. We're coming over to break your hands. Hey guys, what's going on? You're not gonna believe what we just Run!

{title:Dad's Buggin' Out} [speaks alien language] Ugh. What's the alien word for "soup"? Oh, soup? Uh [speaks alien language] For aliens, soup is a really complicated concept. It's a food that you drink and chew. Which is crazy. Crazy. Can you please tell me what the point of Alien Language League is? It's like, if aliens come to Earth, they should just speak Earth. Alex, clubs provide a positive environment for people with like interests. Which is why I joined Alien Language League. You don't like alien language. Nope. But I like Zeke. [speaks alien] [both reply in alien] Uh-uh! No. Hey, you wanna-be-aliens leave my friend alone. She's the only one who sees through me and sticks around. Relax, Alex. I'm just helping them plan their banquet. - Mm-hmm. - [scoffs] Why do people make such big deals out of banquets? It's like, "Hey, let's all sit around and listen to stupid speeches while we all eat the same exact meal." I like eating the same as everyone else. That way I never feel bad about ordering wrong. Well, I mean, I'd be OK with it if we all ate my favorite meal. Biscuits and loose corn. Loose corn? [scoffs] It's just called corn. I like it cut off the cob. Cobs are too heavy. Eighty percent of the weight you're picking up you're not even eating. OK, every year the Alien Language League hands out the Lifetime Achievement Award to a graduating senior. And I have it on good authority that I have it in the bag. This year it really will be the best year ever for me! Plus, we got Joey "The Crepe Kid," coming in. He's the youngest crepe chef in the city. He makes crepes from all around the world. It's gonna be crepe-tacular. You know, Zeke. You are so cute when you're easily excited. But I'm always easily excited. I know. And guys, guess what? The banquet is gonna be here in the Sub Shop, so the whole family can come. Mm-hmm, yeah. I don't need to know when it is, because I'm busy. Ooh, no, because I checked your calendar and you've got no plans for the next 30 years. Ha. I don't have a calendar. Ha. People who don't have calendars also don't have plans. Owned! So hard! Owned! Yeah, sometimes he wins. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * [fairy giggles] - [Jerry screams] - [clattering] [tiny creatures grunting] Hey, you're grouchy. Your hands smell like delicious chocolate. [creatures screaming] Dad, pocket elves can't fly. Oops. Alex, how many times do I have to tell you to keep the portal door closed?! At least one more? We can't have Wizard World creatures drifting in here all the time. It gets so stuffy in here. Mostly because our lair is inside a produce locker where you don't throw out vegetables until they start growing other vegetables. Hey, we haven't paid for mushrooms in over ten years. [scoffs] [buzzing] You see! You let a wizard bug in. - Get the door! - Get What?! Oh! I need a bigger broom. One that stays together. Where'd it go? Dad. Don't move. It's on your back. Come on, get it! Ooh, not with that! You're gonna kill the bug and me! Ow! It bit me! It's dead. [squish] Now it's a stain. [chuckles] Oh, it really hurts. Did it leave a mark? Oh. Oh no. You can't even see it. I'll go get my magnifying glass, 'cause I, I don't even know where the bite is. - [bell dings] - Ooh! [sizzling] [laughs] You have a popcorn machine in your locker? - Where do you keep your books? - In your locker. I have a locker? You said only girls get them. [alarm blares] [alien accent] Attention citizens of Tribeca Prep. - Ahh. Ahh. - Ahh. Ahh. Do not be alarmed for we come in peace. [alien accent] Ahh. We have traveled the far reaches of the galaxy to deliver you a special message. - Special. - Oh. [alien accent] Tonight all members of the Alien Language League are required to report to a secret last minute location [both] Ahh. the Waverly Sub Station. Ohh Waverly Where you will enjoy the finest alien-themed entertainment, including crepes made by Joey The Crepe Kid. - Joey! - [crowd] Yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo! - All right! - Joey! - That went well. - Yes, it did. [clears throat] [normal voice] Well We now return you to your regularly scheduled classes. All right. Thank you, you're great. Hey, guys. If Joey The Crepe Kid is in, MacGruder is in. This totally tops the Math Club's taco bar. - Yeah. Tacos are gross. - Yes! Math? Losers. What's a taco? Alex, all these alien theatrics have given me an idea. I'm going to start an alien language club. That's what this is. Alien Language League. Don't tell them what I'm doing or they're gonna copy me. They're already doing it. Not if I do it first. May the best club win. You are a delight. Zeke, that was great! I'm so glad we kept that smoke machine from our failed DJ business. I still think ZJ the DJs can work. Wikki-wikki. Me, too. [both beat boxing] Dude! You think I can use it when I accept my Lifetime Achievement Award? Right on. You, sir, are my bro-dre from another mo-dre. [both laugh, beat box] You cannot tell me that you're still into Zeke after that nerd circus. [imitating light saber sounds] [both shouting] Still into him. Uh Excuse me, Joey The Crepe Kid, where is your sign? When people walk into places they like big signs to tell them what's going on. Nah. I think it's pretty self-explanatory, Mrs. Russo, When people walk up to my crepe station and see what's going on. I'm just sayin'. You know. [clicks] Are you setting up here some sort of pumpkin carving booth? Whoa! We need a sign. Just sayin'. Hey, Mom. I'm having my new Alien Language Club over later. Max, honey, we're having a banquet for Alien Language League. Nice! Thank you for your support. Hey, Joey, lookin' good. Lookin' good. You, uh, you need a hand, you know, chef to chef? - Where's the other chef? - Hey, come on. [all gasping] What's wrong with your hand? [stammers] Uh, nothing. Nothing's wrong. I just have a skin condition that flares up every once in a while and, um - I don't moisturize enough. - Moisturize. Dad, you're turning into a bug. I know. I think it's because I got bit by a wizard bug when Alex left the portal door open. You're gonna lose control and run around all crazy. You've seen what the bugs do when you turn the lights on. They lose control and run around all crazy. I'm just gonna find something to cover my hand with. With what?! They don't make roach mittens! I'm sure it'll be fine. He'll be back to normal in no time. - [sighs] - [squishy sound] [screams] What? Oh! This place is disgusting. That's the biggest bug I ever seen. - [Jerry gasping] - [Joey whistles] Get the car goin'! Jerry, are you in here? [screams] Bright lights! Bright lights! [shouts] My husband's a bug. I should have married Marty Stoller. I'd be a dentist's wife. First we lose Joey The Crepe Kid and now this? This is not the proper atmosphere in which to receive the Lifetime Achievement Award. Dad's a bug? I get to flick him first! Ah! I'm so sorry, Justin. But we can't have people here while your Dad is flitting around like crazy. Even if we try to lock him up, he'll eat his way through the door. He already can eat his way through take-out containers with human teeth. We're gonna have to cancel the banquet. [scoffs] Not my banquet! Look. Some confusing stuff's going on. We all need to make some sacrifices. Say we cancel Justin's banquet. Mine will go on. We are not cancelling the banquet. Come on. We're the Russos. We can't let something small like Dad turning into a life-sized, disgusting roach ruin Justin's senior year moment. We are the Russos! - No matter how many times you say "We are the Russos" - [whispers] We are the Russos. you can't hide the fact this is another of my senior year moments - that you wanna see wrecked. - [whispers] We're the Russos. Unlike you, I'm only going to have one senior year moment, so I'm trying to get this one right. Don't say it! And I am gonna make sure that you get your senior year moment, Justin. This is just a little bug bite. I'm sure I can control myself. Dad! I don't know how many times I'm gonna tell you, it's not a bite. You're a dirty, nasty bug. Hey! That is no way to talk to your exoskeleton father! OK, I don't know what we're gonna do, 'cause these things last days. Hey! I still have my face. Uh, here's an idea, I'll just throw on an overcoat and a top hat and I'll, I'll just blend right in. Jerry, you're not gonna blend right in. You need to stay up in the loft until this thing runs its course. Great. Are we voting? 'Cause I like the idea of the top hat and overcoat. Who's with me? OK, OK. I'll stay upstairs. If someone tapes a spatula to my claw, and someone else catches the goo falling from my face, I'm pretty sure I can make the crepes. Dibs on catching the goo. Thank you so much for coming to my club. It really means a lot. Thank you for joining. Always a pleasure to see you, buddy! Ha-ha! Thank you for coming. Thank you so much for joining my club. Wow. Look how many people showed up for my club. It's very humbling. [clears throat] [speaks alien] - [mouths] Little. Louder. - Excuse me, can I have your attention please? [clears throat] Excuse me, if you could please just If your attention Could you just focus on me for a second? That would be good. I think I can help. Listen up, people! I know where all of you live, so shut it, or I'll make a guest appearance in each and every one of your nightmares! Have a nice banquet! OK, welcome to this year's Alien Language League banquet. [speaks alien] [all answer in alien] - [Zeke] Great. - Where is Joey The Crepe Kid? His crepes are the only reason I spent $50 on an Alien Language dictionary. We have something even better than Joey The Crepe Kid. Why don't you sit on down? Go check on the crepes. My banquet, my problem. In the meantime, our sci-fi movie scene players are gonna come up and perform one of the greatest alien scenes of all time, E.T. Raids the Refrigerator. - [gasps] Huh? Oh, man. - [crowd murmurs] - Come on. - Oh, man, exciting. OK, here's the last batch of crepes. Oh, there you go. You see what we can do when we work together? Yeah. See what I can do while you yell, "Faster, faster, faster!" Look, somebody has to be the yeller. [crunching] Guys, are my crepes ready yet? My club members are getting [gasps] Jerry, please don't tell me you just ate all the crepes?! Technically, I didn't eat them. I vomited acid all over them, and when they liquefied I slurped them up. Yeah, that's pretty much how you normally eat. I don't think this is gonna fly with my club members. They made it obvious they're expecting crepes. Well, I was expecting this whole thing to blow up down there, not up here. This is kind of taking all the fun out of it, though. I guess I'll help. I'll be right here. [sobs] [makes noise] Good by E.T. [sobs] [both] And scene. [both speak alien] [all speak alien] Yeah, OK. Wacka-wacka whatever. All right, bravo. This is a great banquet so far, huh? All right, why don't we just get right to the Lifetime Achievement Award? Wait, we're supposed to eat first. OK, where are those crepes? When I say "crepes," you say "Oop-blopp!" - Crepes! Crepes! - [all] Oop-blopp. Oop-blopp. Look! Unless you'll settle for some tortillas and some powdered sugar, - you're not getting any crepes. - [all groaning] Instead, we are having biscuits and loose corn. [all groaning] What's going on? Dad ate all the crepes. [whispers] No. I mean, why are you helping me? Well, first of all, this is an opportunity for me to get some biscuits and loose corn. And second of all - No, there was just one reason. - Good. So, biscuits, loose corn, and this lame entertainment? This is the worst banquet ever. I'm hungry and I am angry. I'm "hangry." No, no, no! Wait. Don't leave. Forget it, Alex. It's over. I'm not gonna get my Lifetime Achievement Award. Thanks a lot. Look, besides the fact that every guy in here cares more about having crepes than having girlfriends, this is the wrong version of ending badly I had in mind. If I'm not gonna get my way, at least you should get your way. - Harper. [clicks tongue] - Hey! Everybody sit down now! [mouths] Good job, Zeke. Oh. Wow. Now I've got to think of something. OK, everyone. We have a very special guest. Thank you for that warm introduction, Alex. Not you. [mouths] Sit down. We can't do this. Dad's a wizard bug. No, no, no. It's OK. When you show people something completely crazy, they try to make sense of it. Hey, everybody! It's an alien from the Guaga galaxy! [all murmuring] Like that. Great costume! What did you make the face goo out of? Oh, don't tell me. I don't want to spoil the illusion. And, and he came in peace. - Ooh! - Of course he did. The inhabitants of the Guaga galaxy have been non-violent since the females moved to the southern hemisphere. Yeah. - And he came to entertain you. - Ooh! With impressions. The Guagians are amazing at impressions. I'm not good at impressions. Say anything. They're nerds. They don't want to admit they don't get something. Ahh, ahh Howdy, everybody. It's Woody, from Toy Story! Look at the viscosity of his face acid. That's what happens to the Guagians in Earth's extreme temperatures. Yeah, that's exactly right, Zeke. Notice, everyone notice, his authentic spatula claw. [whispers] Why didn't you remove his spatula claw? Yeah, no, that's not just any spatula. That's an intergalactic spatula. Ooh! I can't believe they're buying this. - They are your people. - Yeah. Ahh First, I'd like to apologize for the lack of crepes. I was hungry from my long journey and I couldn't help myself. OK. So, without further ado, I would like to present this year's Alien Language League Lifetime Achievement Award to someone who was smart enough to get in contact with my people and have me here tonight: Justin Russo! [all applauding] - Thank you so much. - Justin Russo? I was robbed! I poured my blood, sweat and tears into this club. Wow. What a way to go out in my senior year. I totally wasn't expecting this. I mean, really. I absolutely wasn't. [exhales] I guess I'd just like to say thank you to each and every one of you that voted for me. And to those of you that didn't Hah! I I really would like to send a shout out right up there to my sister, for making this truly, truly the most memorable senior year moment that I'll ever have. And please don't let me have another. OK, round two of biscuits and loose corn. - Hey, where did everybody go? - Uh-uh. That's for me. Here, set it down. Go get me Dad's big spoon. I can't get enough of this. I don't care about the food. - I'm just happy that I got my trophy. - [sloshing sounds] [belches] Uh-oh. Dad! You melted my trophy! [stammers] I was just trying to read the engraving.

{title:Wizards of Apartment 13B} I'm almost done packing up all of Alex's stuff, so we should have no trouble moving her out of here. Justin, she hasn't even found a place to live yet. Details, details, Dad. The fact is, she is moving out. And whether that means today, or later today, or early this evening, I'm gonna be ready for it. Oh, Jerry, look at all this stuff. Aw, that's Alex's Good Manners ribbon from first grade. I remember when she threw erasers at her teacher until he gave her that. Hey, Ma, look what I found. It's my ostrich nest. Ugh, it's disgusting, get rid of it. Hey, Mom. First of all, this is where I do my homework. And second of all I don't know why I just said "second of all." I hear people say that sometimes. Get rid of it, honey, and while you're at it, get rid of all the other junk you've got stored in your room. How come you guys never get excited when I show you something cool? I mean, even the garbage man says, "Hey, that's cool," before he throws it in the truck. Hey, look who's home! How did the apartment hunting go? Huh? Any luck? No pressure, but there's a moving truck coming in 15 minutes. We didn't find anything. I don't know if you people realize this, but finding a cheap and spacious place to live in the heart of New York City is not as easy as it sounds. Yeah, and it turns out, when they say an apartment has "old world charm," that means it smells like boiling cabbage. Yeah, and when they say, "light and airy," that means there's a hole in the roof. Oh, yeah, and don't even get me started on "quaint." That means one of us has to sleep in the bathtub. - I - I already told you no. Honey, if everybody advertised the truth, then we'd have to call our ham and cheese, "something and something else." I thought that finding a new place would be a fresh start for me. Something to get my mind off my breakup with Mason, but I guess it's not really meant to be. Oh, my gosh. It's an ad for an apartment. It's what we've been looking for, and it's totally within our price range. - Come on, Harper! - Yes! Run, you two! Run like the wind to catch your dreams and don't stop until you get 'em! And if your dreams aren't there, then just keep on running! Whatever you do, don't come back! Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Wow, this place is beautiful! I know. Just blow me up a mattress, and I'll sleep in the lobby! - Well - No. Hello, ladies. Welcome to the Windsor Apartments. My name is Dexter Qweezenberry, XXVII. Named after my father. And his father before him. - And his father before - Are you really gonna do that 27 times? Not anymore. We're here about the apartment for rent. Oh, the flyer. Come right this way. I think you're looking for the 13th floor. But there is no 13th floor. Or is there? Uh, no, there's not. Oh, darn it. I could never do anything dramatic. There it is. Let's just go up. When I saw that you had the flyer, I knew you had to be magical. This secret floor is available only to wizard world tenants. - I manage it. - I never knew these existed. I know. And there are probably no rats here because that lady's snake hair eats them. So that's a good thing. Oh, a Christmas elf in the off-season. Trash hands. Fancy. There are hands all over this floor to help you with your daily deeds. Ah, here it is. Apartment 13B. These doors all have combination knocks. Watch. Four. Two. Three. Ta-da! Oh, my goodness, a real floor! Oh, my goodness, a real window! Yeah, I currently live in a basement, so As you can see, this apartment has many wonderful amenities, like this beautiful view. Ah, of another building's rusty, old fire escape. Pretend you didn't see that. You can choose your own view. A beach. A volcano. My Wiztech graduation. Go Fighting Trolls. - Go. - Yeah. Oh, does this fireplace work? Yeah, but not so good. Our dragon has a cold. Franklin? It's OK. We'll just wear sweaters. So, what do you think, ladies? - We'll take it. - Perfect. Like I said, as long as you're both wizards, it's all yours. - Uh, yeah, about that - Yeah. - We're both wizards. - Then it's settled. Welcome to the 13th floor of the Windsor Apartments! You know, when we were little girls, we would hold hands and jump up and down to celebrate. But we're women now, so Mm-hm. - We did it! - We got an apartment! We're gonna live together! This is what we're talking about, this kind of junk, Max! My reggae banana is not junk. Look what it says on the back. "Eat your potassium, mon." That's good advice. Give it to the garbage "mon." Everybody, good news. We found an apartment! Did you just say you found an apartment? Yeah, and that's not even the best part. It's a secret wizard apartment on a secret 13th floor. - Yes! - A secret wizard apartment? I used to live in one of those. Man, I had some wild times in there. One night, I was in a hot tub with a Pegasus and there was all these Congratulations, honey. I know about the Pegasus, Jerry. And I'm not jealous. Talk about a horse face. The only problem is the apartment has this "wizards only" policy, which makes me kind of nervous. Well, you can't let a little thing like that stop you. Ah, here. This'll make you look like a wizard. It's Alex's training wand. It has one simple function so you can practice magic even when you don't have magic. This one opens things. Just point it at the object you want to open, say "open," and it'll open. OK, um Open pretzels. Oh, no, no, no, this is too much power for one person. - Harper, relax! - OK. Alex, since you're moving out and everything, I decided to give you a housewarming present. Thanks. Doesn't seem like you're taking it that hard. Oh, you're right. Well, what about now? Alex! Alex, I'm taking this so hard that you're leaving! I - Better? - Much better. OK, that's the last of it, I guess. Yep. Certainly appears that way! Mr. and Mrs. Russo, are you guys OK? Hl. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. It's just hard. Oh! I mean, our second favorite child is leaving home. Yep, I agree, you guys. It's all very, very sad. Well, we'd better give them their space. Everyone out! See you guys at Christmas. Oh, honey. We're really gonna miss you. Oh Now remember, if you need anything just call us, OK? OK. Don't worry. I'm ready for this. I really think that the best thing for me right now is to be on my own. Yeah. Two gals living totally independent lives in the big city. Just me and my best friend, free of all the baggage from my past. Alex? Mason? What are you doing here? I live here. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I can't believe it, Alex. This must be a sign. We're supposed to get back together. This is not a sign, Mason. Think about it. What are the chances we'd both be looking for an apartment, and we'd both randomly find the same flyer, and that flyer would lead us both to the same secret, magical floor of this building? Well, when he puts it like that, it does sound like a sign. Yeah, go unpack something. Look, Mason, I moved out with Harper so that we could be independent. Sorry, but a boyfriend doesn't really fit into that plan right now. OK. If that's how you feel, then I'll respect your wishes. I look forward to exchanging meaningless pleasantries with you when we pass each other in the hallway. Nice earrings. I can't believe this, Harper. I'm living in a new place with my best friend, and the first neighbor I meet is my ex-boyfriend. So you know what you need to do to take your mind off of him? We haven't met the rest of our neighbors. We should have a housewarming party. Yeah, you're right. What better way to kick off our new, independent lives than by throwing a party? See? You've already stopped thinking about Mason. Excuse me, Alex. It's me, Mason. I went ahead and picked up your mail. I have mail already? Well, actually, it's a letter I wrote. Nothing special. Just a stream-of-consciousness outpouring of my most vulnerable thoughts and wishes. Nice weather we're having today. Guys, since we have all this great new time on our hands, I took the liberty of creating an itinerary full of events, filling our evening full of Alex-free activities. Uh Justin, we're kind of enjoying our peace and quiet right now. Dad, if you had read the itinerary, you'd see that there's a scheduled peace and quiet break right after we share stories about how we don't miss Alex. - We've gotta get him out of here. - I've got it. Oh, my goodness, will you look at this? Alex left her magazine here! Oh, too bad there's no way of getting it to her. Yeah, it's just gonna sit there and bug us! Ugh! Nothing we can do about it! Oh Nothing! All right I guess I'll have to be the one to take it to her. I'll do it, but this is the last time I let her ruin our new lives without her. The last time! He totally misses her. I do not miss her! Come on in. Welcome to the party thrown by the cool girls of Apartment 13B. The "B" stands for "best party on this floor." OK. - Alex? - Felix? Don't tell me you live here, too. - I live here, too! - This is so crazy. Wait, did you bring your wand? Let's see it. Well, I don't like to show it off, but Behold the most powerful wand in the Wizard World! Cheers, Alex. You look smashing tonight. Eh? "Smashing?" I remember how you used to love my cute British vernacular. Listen, Mason Dodgy, quid, knickers Bob's your uncle. What? Mason, you have to stop. Why can't you just open your heart to me? Because I don't want a boyfriend right now. Very well. Then you won't hear another pip, pip out of this mush. Nothing? Hey, Alex. I brought you my collection of oil-on-canvas Julia Roberts paintings. - Really? - What? She's America's sweetheart. All right, I'm just gonna put this with the rest of my stuff that I gave you. Attention, everyone! If you need your drinks opened, just ask me and I'll do it with magic. Because I can. Which is why it's OK for me to live here. So, yeah. Open bottles. Yeah. Harper, what are you doing? Magic. What else would I be doing? You know me. Always doing magic. Yeah, it's a training wand. It has one power. It opens things. What? Don't mess with the view. It matches my outfit. No! Open Alex's heart. Oh, hi. What's your name? Ogre Moloney. Oh, wow, that's a really cool name. I'm Alex. - Uh, pardon me, Alex. - Not now, Mason. I'm about to open up my heart to Ogre Moloney. I I don't know what it is about you, but I can't seem to get you out of my mind. Yeah? My hideous face and relentless cheese stench sometimes have that effect on people. Oh, stop it. Oh, Ogre Moloney. You're so funny. And you just have the cutest little warts all over your face. I've got to admit, most of the girls I've dated aren't as symmetrical as you. - Well - This is very exciting! Let's try this again. Open Alex's heart. Alex, Alex, over here! Look quickly! Hey, Alex. What's goin' on? You and me are goin' on. I feel like I can tell you anything. Oh, my gosh. It's finally happening. Excuse me. What do you think you're doing, talking to my woman? I hate to break it to you, pal, but this woman's had a thing for me for a very long time and has recently had the courage to admit it. Even though you are big and brutish, I happen to know for a fact she prefers men with freakishly bad posture. Guys, guys, you don't need to fight! My heart is big enough for both of you. Mason, what are you doing? I'm trying to get Alex to open her heart to me. What? No, just give me that! I'm the only one who gets to open things with that thing! Give it! Just give it! It would be a lot easier if you just give it to me! Alex! Got you some more housewarming gifts! - Gimme! - No, just let go of it! We're free! Well, I guess that ruined the surprise. It's a box of screaming banshees. Enjoy. Party! Alex, I brought you your magazine, and I hope this teaches you a lesson You're having a screaming banshee party? I've heard about these. No, you have not. Justin, you've got to do something. Max released all these screaming banshees and Mason used my training wand to make Alex fall in love with everyone. Say no more, Harper. I'm on it. Fanshee, schmansee, get rid of the banshee. - How'd you do that? - Child safety lock. Everything's back to normal. Oh, so which one are you going out with, Alex? Me or this ogre? What?! I'm not going out with either of you. Yeah, I didn't think it was gonna last. - Wanna hang out? - Sure. But first we gotta hose you down. OK. It's not gonna work. What's going on here? Mason used my wand on your heart. And I stepped in and fixed everything. I realize now why I felt so weird about you being gone. It's because cleaning up other people's messes and then being able to silently judge them afterwards is what makes my life complete. Did you just say I make your life complete? No. Oh, my gosh. You miss me! No, I don't miss you! Here, take your magazine. It's the only reason I came here. - Bye! - I miss you, too! Alex, I'm sorry I ruined your party, but I can't apologize for my feelings. I let you go way too easily the last time, and I won't let it happen again. I'm not giving up on us. Mason, please. All right, then. The artichoke dip was delightful. Alex? Harper? Why am I receiving complaints about the new residents throwing a party? I'm so, so sorry, Dexter. It won't happen again, I promise. I should hope not. Parties aren't allowed. Also, you didn't invite me. And I'm always the life of the party. I do the Dougie Lean and brush! Lean and brush! Do the Dougie! Do the Dougie! Your loss. Well That's exactly how I imagine our first day in our new place going. No, but we're not focusing on the past, remember? Things can only get better from here on out. Right. Let's go to bed. I'll take the couch. Wow, things are already getting better. Of course. Well, good night, Harper. Good night, Alex. Good night, Franklin. Good night, Franklin. Good night, Alex, Harper and Franklin. What? Max? What are you doing here? Alex, I figured since my stuff is already in your apartment, I might as well just live with you guys. - What do you say? - Get out! Fine. I'll just see my stuff tomorrow. Hello, Max. Do I Do I know you? Well, that doesn't matter. I know you. And you seem like someone who would enjoy going to a very special wizard camp. Canoeing, archery Cotton candy? Yeah, this sounds like fun. I can't wait to run home and tell my parents. Oh, make sure to tell your dad it's free. - Oh, he'll like that. - Come on! Going down?

{title:Baby Cupid} This is the best video game ever. - Jab, jab, jab roundhouse! - Backflip! [both] Jab! - Hey! How many times have I told you guys - to keep video games video? - I told them and I told them, Dad. Sword! Oh! That is not what they mean by " slashing prices." Cool swords. Let me try. Wow, you look nice, Dad. I didn't even know you had a suit. I don't. Kick, kick, nose pull. Well, that suit does fit you a little tight Hey, that's my suit! That reminds me. Justin, I need to borrow your suit. I'm taking your mother out to dinner for our anniversary. Oh. Did you get her a card? Because while Mom's reading it, you can slip the waiter your coupon. My lamp! What is going on in here? Yeah. What is going on in here? I thought we had a rule about wizardry. The random magic in this house is getting on my nerves. How many times does this lamp have to break for you guys to get the message? If the message is, "Ugly lamps are easy to break," I think we got it. Your mother's right. We have to be more considerate of someone who doesn't understand the temptations of magic. Doesn't understand? Wait, are you trying to make this my problem? [all] Oh! No. I was just saying that there What was I saying? Uh, what Dad is saying is that we should accept each other for who we are. Kind of like Dad did when he married you. Yeah. I was a wizard at the time, and it was a big decision for me. Oh. I'm sorry, Jerry. I had no idea it was such a big decision for you to marry me. [all] Oh! No! It wasn't a big decision. It was more of an impulse. No. Impulse is not helping. Let me know how your anniversary dinner turns out. [all] Oh! * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please * * You might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * Listen up, because of your magic run amok, I have to go out and get some "I'm sorry" gifts for your mother. [scoffs] Dad, come on! Mom's really easy. Why don't you just rub her feet? That's what I do. Oh! That's just weird. Really? 'Cause I don't have a bedtime. I'm not gonna rub her feet. That crooked toe just freaks me out. Your mom will be fine once I buy her some of her favorite things. Ooh! I know what you should get her. - You do? Peach lip gloss and skull and bones press-on-nails. That's what you want. You're no help. Dad can relax. I went on the World Wide WizWeb this morning and ordered Cupid to come shoot Mom with a love arrow. You ordered Cupid?! Oh, that makes perfect sense. Mom's mad that we're using magic in the house. So, naturally, you bring more magic into the house. Oh, brilliant. OK, OK. Everybody stop yelling. I'll cancel the Cupid order. When people are right, it doesn't mean they're yelling. You can't cancel Cupid once he's been ordered. You'd know if you took it upon yourself to read ahead, like a good student does. Oh, did you read about the recipe for wizard punch? - No. - Good, I just made it. - Ow! Oh, wizard punch. I'll bet that's delicious. Well, you've got a problem. When Cupid gets here, he isn't gonna leave until he fulfills his order. [Cupid] Yep. Your brother's right. So who's the lucky guy or gal or thing? I don't judge. Oh, look. It's a baby with wings. And a carrying handle. Back off. It's a sash, genius. Oh, this kid is gonna need me when he grows up. I can just tell. Look, Mr. Cupid, I ordered you by mistake. And, um, we really don't need your services, - so if you could go back - Save it, sweetheart. I can't go anywhere until your mom gets an arrow in the keister. OK, fine. Just shoot Mom in the keister and get out of here. Hey, look, it's bendy! No, it's not. You broke my arrow! You have more arrows, right? I'm a baby! I'm barely allowed to have this one! [Cupid] Hey, hey, hey! Don't leave me in here! I'm afraid to be alone! OK, we've got to keep Cupid hidden from Mom until we fix the arrow. - We? I don't think so. - Hey! If she sees him, she'll blame me. Then I'll figure out a way to blame you. We're all in this together. Come on, I'm always saying dumb stuff. Our marriage is based on us ignoring each other's flaws. I ignore all of yours. [all] Oh! What are you guys up to? Uh, not magic, that's for sure. Yeah, Mom, 'cause you know me. I always tell you when these guys mess around with magic. Always. - Is he gonna tell her? - Sh! - Tell me what? - [Cupid crying] Uh about Max's terrible stomach ache. His really, really bad stomach ache. - [crying] In fact, there's a new virus going around. - The Influ cupidosa. - Subtle. - I panicked! - Oh, mijito! Come on, let's go upstairs. I'll make you some of Grandma's tree bark and fish oil tea. [sobbing] You What are we gonna do now? We still have Cupid. You said, "we." You're officially in. Awesome! Every time. OK. Mom's still upstairs. I made extra tree bark and fish oil tea. Who wants some? Maybe later. Oh, goodness! Uh What are you doing, playing in the dirty dishes? Bad baby! Hi. Do you watching my little brother for one second? Oh! Cute baby! [scoffs] Sure, the baby's cute. But look at me, Mom. I'm way cuter. Hi, Alex. Look what I knitted for Justin. Oh! That's interesting. And it smells like shampoo. It's a sweater entirely made of my hair. - Oh! - Feel how soft it is. - Uh I take your word for it. He's upstairs with Max, trying to fix Cupid's arrow. OK. Thanks. Notice how I didn't react when you said Cupid? It's my way of acting cool with having a wizard as a best friend, even though I'm freaking out inside. Kind of like how I didn't freak out when you said, "hair sweater." Thank you for watching him. There. Good as new. Now, Cupid can shoot Mom, she'll love Dad and then go home. Know what? We are really good at this! We should open up Cupid's Arrow Repair Shop. There's only one Cupid. He has only one arrow. Oh, yeah. Good point. We should also sell burgers. Babies love burgers. Hi, guys. Justin, what do you think of this? Um, it's kind of nice. Ooh! It's really soft, too. Great, because I knitted it for you from my own hair. It's 100 percent me! Oh I know. You don't have to say anything. [laughs] Look, Harper, I know you've had a crush, obsession, on me for a really long time, but I think it's about that time I was completely honest with you Harper, I am never, ever, ever going to [gasps] Ah! love you more than I do right now. Uh-oh. Oh, Justin. This is the best day of my life! I should've made you a hair sweater years ago. I would've been happier and warmer if you had. Max! What did you do? Maybe Dad's right. I shouldn't have a BB gun. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth Oh! This'll be more romantic with the sweater on. - Uh, Harper. Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but Justin's only acting like that because Max just shot him with Cupid's love arrow. Gosh, I guess you're right. It's not real love if it comes from his butt and not his heart. Mi amor, let's go for a carriage ride around Central Park. But I don't care! - Where's your mother? - Ah, Father. Thank you. For my lady love. Oh, yes! Why is he acting like he's in love with Harper? What are you doing with an arrow? And why are you holding a baby? Love Arrow Baby That's Cupid! because you used magic? Yeah. That's kind of what I do. - What's that? - Um a baby. Hold still, or the baby gets it.l Who's the baby? Oh! I'm the baby! OK, Alex. Why do you have a baby? Uh It's a baby doll from my Marriage and Family class. Yes. - [Cupid burps] - Excuse me. You know what, Alex? I think it's good you're taking Marriage and Family. You're never too young to learn how to get along with someone who makes it very difficult to get along with. You are so right, Mom. I'm gonna take this doll up to my room and think of ways for Dad to appreciate you more. Wait a minute. Isn't your open house at school this Friday? I want to meet your Marriage and Family teacher. [both] Why? I have some personal stories to share about what marriage and family life are like once you get past the pretty pictures in bridal magazines. I fixed it! - Oh! Maxy, I told you, don't play with arrows. They're dangerous, honey. Someone could get stuck with this and then where would we be? Closer to the end of our problem. Phew! That was close. Uh you don't really have Marriage and Family class, do you? I love how you know me. I want to get a drink of water, Justy. I only thirst for you, Harpy. Does that meanou don't want any water? No. I want water, too. We should share everything. Ah, the waters of love. Hey, Justin. Missed you at Alien Language League. [speaks alien language] You know what I'm sayin'? [laughs] I'm sorry, Zeke. I'm done with your childish things. - I've found love. - [laughs] With who? With me! Hello? Arm? He's wearing my hair. Yeah, dude, what's up with that sweater? You look like the floor of a barber shop. Zeke, you've insulted my woman's honor. We will settle this like gentlemen: Water balloon fight at 30 paces. I can't throw 30 paces. That's 'cause you throw like a [alien language] I do not throw like a [alien language] Hey, everybody! There's gonna be a fight outside! Over me! OK, my little Marriage and Family folk. I hope you can rope your noggins around today's lesson: Smart Shopping with Coupons. There's no better way to get more bang for your buck than with [Cupid crying] I'm bored! Shh! Who's that back in the south 40? Alex Russo, you are not in this class. No, Mr. Laritate, I'm not. But it's always been my dream to be in this class. And I think a dedicated teacher like you would want to help me realize my dreams. [sniffs] I smell someone trying to sell me some cow patty. Come on. I really want be in this class. I even brought my own pretend baby. Which is huge, because anybody who knows me knows I never come prepared. Look, Miss Russo, I'm always partial to enthusiasm, but the train's already pulled out of the station on this one. We did that assignment last month. But Mr. Laritate, how can you say no to this little guy? [buzzing] What? Bad baby! No! I gave it a shot. A shaving baby doll? They've officially run out of toys. Ma chérie. [French accent] A quiet tête a tête over a romantic dinner. Thanks, but it's only 3: [chuckles] It's never too early for romance. Bubbly a la orange? Justin, the French thing is nice but a little corny. You're right! I must go learn the new language of love for you, which is Cantonese. Come on, Albert. Let's go learn it. Thank goodness you're here. I thought my dream had come true, but Justin won't let me out of his sight. He's got his arm around me so much that my shoulder is starting to smell like his armpit. Here, smell. Ah! No need. I'm not gonna fight you on that. I don't think I can live like this forever. [Cupid] Forever? No. Love from my arrow is only temporary. Wait! This is temporary? Why didn't you tell me that? I'm a baby. I forget things. Hey, look! I got a belly button. [laughs] Dad, bad news. I couldn't get into Marriage and Family class. It's OK. I think your mom forgot about talking to your teacher at open house. Oh, that's right. Tonight is your open house. Thanks for reminding me, Jerry. Yeah, thanks for reminding her, Dad. I fixed it! Max, what did I tell you about playing with arrows? Oh, sorry. Harper! What are you doing down there? Bring it in. You're never gonna believe this, but I signed up for scrapbooking. And I made one about us. Check it out! Justin, you're taking all the fun out of my unrequited, twisted obsession for you. Leave me alone! I'm the one who makes the scrapbooks in this relationship! Harper! Hey, Justin. [speaks alien language] Harper! [all laugh] What? I don't [alien language] Harper! Ah! No, no, no! Zeke! Guys! Wait up! [alien language] Thers my Justin. And you used to "da-ca" me. Dad, where's Mom? You were supposed to keep an eye on her so she wouldn't go to my class. - I lost her by the cupcakes. - Dad, cupcakes? All right. I got lost in the cupcakes. - Where's Max? - I I sent him to wood shop so he could fix Cupid's arrow. Let's go. which is why I tell your ducklings that Oh, no. Mom beat us here. from the rooster's crow to the coyote's howl. - [laughter] - You got that right, partner. Even raising the inconsiderate rooster is a job. Mrs. Russo? Why are you here? I had thoughts on marriage and family which you might find interesting. Yeah, but your daughter isn't in Theresa, why don't we come back en Mr. Laritate has more time to talk. Here's an article about how difficult it can be when two very different people get married and now they're afraid their mother was right. I fixed it! What took you so long? Oh, would you just OK, this is it. Cupid, it's time to save the day with a perfect shot at Mom. Take the shot! Go! Oh, just shoot! Oh, no. What did you do? [Cupid] Hey, kid, did you balance the arrow - after you fixed it? - Yeah. It felt heavy on one side, so I took the decorations off. You have the most beautiful eyes. What color are they? Um thank you. eye brown, I think. Yeah, they're definitely brown. Great. Thanks a lot, Cupid. Now, I'm gonna have to start calling that old lady Mom. I am not rubbing her feet. [Cupid] Relax. Look over there. Only to take you back to the rest home, black eyes! My eyes aren't black. - Keep flirting with my husband and you'll get there. [Cupid] You know, sometimes jealousy works better than a love arrow. Well, Mom and Dad didn't get back together the way I thought, but this will work. Come on, Mom. Let's go hear my PE teacher tell you how I hate to run. It'll be fun. You're mine. Don't you forget that. So, you to tell me, he's not going to leave until I get shot in the butt with an arrow? [all] Yeah, that's right. I really hate magic. Give me that. Ow! Oh! I love you guys. [Cupid] Works for me. Jerry! How could you let the kids break my lamp again? Yeah! She's back!

{title:Crazy Ten Minute Sale} Edgebono utoosis, Good. Thank you, Justin. That is how you execute the duplication spell properly. Real rabbit. Duplicate rab-- No. Duplicate rabbit, real-- lt's-- Anyway, there's two now. What's the big deal? They're rabbits. Wait five minutes and they'll duplicate by themselves. Remember, as with any spell, if you don't concentrate, it doesn't come out exactly right. Cool. l've always wanted a guard rabbit. You know, scare off the mailman. l was thinking about dogs when l cast the spell. Now, are there any questions about the spell? Anyone who doesn't look like they're about to wreck their pants? - The Crazy Ten-Minute Sale! - The crazy what? Every year this cool clothing store, Suburban Outfitters, has this crazy sale for ten minutes where they practically give stuff away and-- - What are you doing? - Fast-forwarding to the part where this sale is more important than the magic lesson. - Well, Gigi's gonna be there. - Who's Gigi? Don't you remember? My enemy since kindergarten, when she spilled juice on my mat during nap time and told everyone l had an accident. This is fascinating. Tell me more. Well, l'm sick of Gigi. She's always rubbing stuff in my face. The point is, l'm tired of her always showing me up at school. Can l please skip class on Thursday to go to the sale? Let's roll the answer dice, shall we? No. Come on. - But, Dad-- - But nothing. Look, you have wizard training on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and you're not ditching. You're right, you're right. l'm sorry. l'm gonna totally focus on the magic. l have a question about the spell. Thank you. How do l use it to get cool clothes before Gigi? Are you as excited about the Crazy Ten-Minute Sale as l am? l can't go. But l drew up a game plan so we could get into the store before Gigi. l thought we agreed that we hate Gigi so much we'd never say her name. But you just said ''Gigi.'' Okay, from now on we'll say her name backwards. But ''Gigi'' backwards is still ''Gigi.'' That's right. We'll say ''Gigi'' but only we'll know it's backwards. lt'll be hilarious. l like it. Anyway, do you remember that one-of-a-kind jacket in the window you've been wanting? lt's gonna be in the sale. lt all sounds good, but l can't go. lt's on Thursday. l have a family commitment. Do you also have a commitment to letting Gigi run all over you for the rest of your life? Great. Here she comes with her copycat crew. Act like we don't care. Bonjour, Alex. Bonjour, Alex's friend. Nice shoes. l mean, l don't care about you or your shoes. Yeah, l've had these shoes for about a week. Oh, l mean, l'd give them to you, but l already promised them to another charity. No, you should keep them. They go so well with your eyebrow. Well, at least l don't have man hands. l mean, how do you get those meat stubs through your sleeves? What happened to you two? Pick your noses so hard they fell off? They got nose jobs. When they heal, they'll be just like Gigi's. When is Gigi's gonna heal? People always take shots at the trendsetter. And by the way, l saw you looking at that jacket at Suburban Outfitters. And good for you for knowing you need a new one. But it's mine. And it'll look so much better on me. Not if l get it first. Well, good luck finding it. l already went down there and hid it. Hey, that's not in the spirit of the Crazy Ten-Minute Sale. Yeah! Whatever. Come on, girls. Time to change your gauze. Look! Alex had an accident again! Gigi, this is silly. How long is this gonna go on? We've been fighting with each other forever. Fighting? Really? Let's see. l've won, like, 300 times and you've won none. So it's not really a fight. She has won an awful lot. That's it. We're going to that sale and l'm gonna show her up. But l thought you had a commitment. l'll work it out with my parents. Sure, they're pretty understanding. No, l'm just really sneaky. Honey? Honey? Listen. So l need you to back me up on this. l told Alex she couldn't miss wizard class to go to some crazy sale on Thursday. Okay. Wait. Do you mean the Crazy Ten-Minute Sale? That's the one. Thank you for reminding me. l almost forgot. lt doesn't sound like you're gonna back me up. Don't worry, l am. Who's not allowed to go again? - Alex. - Right. Wizard mail's here. Oh, wizards weekly, Let's see if they printed my letter to the editor. l wish they'd take those out for people who already have subscriptions. My wand didn't show up. That's bunk. l need my magic wand so l don't have to learn spells anymore. Max, you're always gonna need to know spells. Look, if l give you a bike, that doesn't mean you know how to ride it. Awesome. l'm getting a bike? Look, l know how excited you are about getting your first wand. So until it comes, how about using old Black Licorice here? Yeah, that looks like something you get out of a cereal box. Come on. This is a 77 Wandwarp Featherlight. They don't even make these anymore. l can see why. Look, if you're not gonna take care of it, then l'm not gonna give it to you. lt has tremendous sentimental value. This is the wand that helped me get the goblins out of the basement when l was your age. And it's a tremendous back scratcher. See? Cool. lt's a little dinged up, but-- You can see where l filled it in with black nail polish. There's a lot of great memories wrapped up in this wand. And a lot of stories l'm tired of hearing. She said it, we didn't. - How do l look? - Why? Because l'm going to duplicate myself. And if l look ugly, l don't wanna look twice as ugly. What are you talking about? l'm talking about taking Gigi down, and it's gonna take more than one of me to do it. Edgebono utoosis, Now that's cool. l wanna make two of me so l can give myself a wedgie. Why would you wanna do that? Because l wanna see what it feels like, but l wanna get it from someone l trust. Afternoon, Alex. Other Alex. You're both clearly up to no good. Max, just help me get me ready so it looks like l'm here so l can leave. Wow, l did a great job. l look good. l was thinking about your stupid barking rabbit. Yep, it's perfect, because that's what l hear when you talk to me. Bad girl. No barking, just pout. Yeah, l don't see how this could possibly go wrong. lt'll be fine. The real me is upset with Dad, which means l pout and give him the silent treatment. Yeah, but for how long? Well, this has to pout for the Ten-Minute Sale plus travel time, which shouldn't be a problem, because my pout record is, like, four days. - Hello? - Alex, are you sneaking away or not? The doors are gonna open any minute and Gigi's already in the front. How did she get up front? l don't know, but she's telling everybody you shop in pre-teen. Which l said wasn't a slam, because a lot of their stuff is really, really cute. Like my sunflower top that goes with my rainbow socks. l'll be right there. Wait, you're not wearing that, are you? No. You really think Dad'll be fooled with this thing sitting here with that glassy look in its eye, totally disconnected during class? Wow, you're right. This could work. What if Dad asks you to change seats or something? l don't know, cover for me. Why would l cover for you? Because l'll buy you a brand new pair of sneakers. Sold. Good boy. l'm off to the sale. And Mom and Dad know nothing about that, right? l'm a size 5. That's your price? A new pair of sneakers? Apparently. But the joke's on her. l'm gonna get some new sneakers for doing nothing. What are you gonna do when she falls over? That will never happen. You're right. lt'll never happen. Hi, Harper. Hi, Alex's mom. Oh, my gosh, Alex's mom? l know it's weird for a grownup to be here, but since Alex couldn't come, l'm gonna get something for her. Well, this will be fun. lt's a chance for you and me to spend some time together, you know? Chill. Excuse me. There you are. How did you find me with all these people? l saw your rainbow socks from down the block. Sorry l'm late. lt took a while to ditch the family. Well, you didn't do a very good job. Your mom's here. - What? - Relax. l sent her down the block to find some tappuccinos. There's no such thing as a tappuccino. l know. Wow, l'm impressed. You're becoming more like me every day. - Okay, move. - Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Nice try, Gigi. But it looks like l got in the front of the line too. Well, l know where the jacket is, and you don't. What's that? You're looking for a racket? Well, l'm looking for a jacket. And l'm gonna get it before you do. l can't believe you brought your grandma. She's not gonna help you get in first. She's not my grandma. l found her at the park. She's here to block. Where is it? lt was right here. Excuse me. There was a huge pile of clothes right there. Where is it? Oh, we completely rearranged the store for the sale, because a lot of people sneak in early and hide stuff. lt's not really in the spirit of the Crazy Ten-Minute Sale. lt's anybody's jacket now. Harper. Harper? l found our tappuccinos. lt's steamed milk and tap water. She's too heavy. Can you give me a hand? Why don't you use Dad's wand to move her? l can't find it. Either l just found Dad's wand or l cracked my butt knuckle. l'm no doctor, but l'm fairly certain there's no such thing as a butt knuckle. No. No, no, no. Dad's gonna wig out. You know, if l wasn't getting new sneakers, l'd be really freaked out. Oh, l'd be really freaked out anyway. Justin, will you at least help prop her up? Sure, because she's done so much for me. What are you doing? Dancing. With my sister. Practicing for that new reality show, Dancing with my Sister, Okay, guys, before we get started today, l just wanna point out the good example set by your sister. She really wanted to go shopping, but instead she's right here, ready to learn. l think we're all gonna learn something real soon. Alex, l'm very proud of you. So proud that l'm gonna give you permission to miss today's lesson and go to that sale. So go ahead and have fun. Seriously. Go. Oh, l get it. You need money. l'm sorry. Go ahead, take it. Take it. Yeah, Alex. Take it. Alex used the duplication spell and went to the Crazy Ten-Minute Sale. Wow, looks like she did. This is way worse than me breaking your wand, right? You--? Alex, wand. Alex, wand. Alex! Wow, he didn't even care about the wand. That would've been a good time to tell him l broke his new drill. You broke his drill? l think so. l'll find out when l put the pieces back together. Check it out. My new eWand. Oh, an eWand. The strap is for safety. Good point. Now that we've got safety out of the way, let's rock. Slippery. Wow, they should make something that attaches to the wand so that doesn't happen. Alex, hide. Your mom's right behind me. What? Harper, there you are. l found our tappuccinos. They're surprisingly delicious. l'm sorry. Let's go tell a manager. Eight minutes left in the Crazy Ten-Minute Sale. Eight minutes. Are you kidding me? l've only got eight minutes to find something for Alex. What do you think she'd like? For you to leave. What? This is your size. Go try it on. Alex, are you okay? l'm fine, l'm fine. Did my mom see me? No, l sent her to the dressing room. This is our chance. Let's get out. Oh, no, no, no. l am not leaving without that jacket. l have choked on too many blouses to let Gigi get that jacket. Harper. l'm going back in. Hey, what else does this thing do? Standard magic stuff. lt opens portals, disappears objects, levitates things, and-- Oh, my gosh. - What? - lt's an MP3 player. lt holds a trillion songs. No way. Oh, and it says here it has eMimic feature. What's that? l think l just found out. Hey, Alex, why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? l don't know. Oh, l know what you're doing. We must be getting close to the jacket. You're trying to distract me. Are you hitting yourself? You've got problems. - Good burn. - l know, l thought it and then l said it. Well, what are you doing now? What does it look like l'm doing? l'm dancing like a chicken. l don't even know why l try to embarrass you. l mean, you're so good at it yourself. l don't know what's happening. l do. You're dancing like an Egyptian. Hey, everyone, there's a freak show by the jeans rack. Hey, Alex, l think we caught a break. There's some freak show by the jeans. Let's go look. Harper, those are the jeans. l'm the freak show. Faster. Faster. Let's see if it'll throw up. - Size 7. Perfect. Thanks, Alex. - Help me! Theresa. Where's Alex? Jerry, she's with you. No, she's not. She cut class. l came down here to look for her. Well, l haven't seen her. l think l just did. Alex, stop spinning wildly out of control and get over here. l can't! What do you think's going on? l think Max got his new wand. l found it. l found the jacket. Hey, Gigi, guess what's in my meat hands. - Give me the jacket. Give it to me. Give-- - No. Well, it looks like the tinklee became the tinkler. Oh, please. Everybody saw her spill that on me. Yeah, but it's on your front. lt does look like you went. But what are you two talking about? l mean, you just saw that. Where are you going? We have the same noses. They're gone, Gigi. They left you. Okay, maybe you're right. This has been going on for too long. No, it hasn't. l'm just getting good at it. ln fact, l think it's time for a little announcement. Okay, l know l'm in trouble. But just, like, one second. Attention, shoppers. Attention, shoppers. Gigi's real name is Gertude. Okay, now l can go. These sales get crazier and crazier every year. Oh, Alex. Dad's looking for you. And he found you. Did you get your wand today, Max? Yeah. Because whatever you were doing to this dummy was happening to this dummy. Oh, that's what the ''mimic'' in eMimic means. l told you we should've read the manual. Max, you know better than to use magic without my permission. You're right, Dad. You're right. lt was pretty bad what l did. But not as bad as Alex using magic to cut class to go to some sale. Yes, Max. Thank you. And you and l by no means are done talking about this. l know. But before we get into it, l think you should know, l heard Justin broke your drill. My brand new drill? Max broke your wand. - Did you use magic to break my drill? - No. You're clear. Go. Did you use magic to break my wand? No, l sat on it. You're clear. Go. And we have a winner. Dad, l know you're mad, but l can explain. Gigi has been making me look bad forever, and this was a huge chance to get back at her. So l went for it. Revenge. - So you do get it? - l get it. But let's look at it, shall we? Was revenge worth missing your wizard training? Was it worth having your brother lie for you, or your best friend lie to your mom down at that store? And speaking of your mother, she's got me trying to make her a tappuccino? So what you're saying is, by getting back at Gigi, l was really hurting myself? No, but l like that better. So since l figured that out, l should pick my own punishment, right? No. Why don't you take my punishment and duplicate it? - You're grounded for one week. - Does that mean two weeks? Oh, now it's four. l love this game. Good talk, sweetie. Oh, you hush up. - So l'm glad you learned your lesson. - Me too. Good. Now, your mom wants me to take her out dancing, but the big game is on tonight. Dad, that sounds like your punishment, not mine. Then you see what l'm getting at. Oh, you want me to duplicate you so you can go dancing and watch the game. A little. Oh, well, if you have to punish me, l guess you have to punish me. Edgebono utoosis, Have her home by 1 1 .

{title:Potion Commotion} Yeah, l still have to write an essay so l'll get chosen to go to the World School Summit at the U.N. Yeah, once you said essay, all l heard was blah, blah, blah. Okay, let's talk about my day. Like this guy who thinks of me as a friend. But not for long. l have a plan. Fascinating. Back to me, l'm competing against this kiss-up who has no right being chosen for the World School Summit. Seriously, you have to make your stories more interesting, because all l'm hearing is blah, blah, blah. - Hey, Mom. - Hi, kids. lt's okay. l got this. Okay, here's my plan. This guy and l have gone out in a group as friends, never just the two of us. But there's a concert in Central Park and we're going as friends, but coming back as boyfriend and girlfriend. And there he is. My future boyfriend. That guy? That's Brad, the guy l'm competing against. Hey, Brad. Can't wait for the concert. Oh, hey, Alex. Oh, Mrs. Russo, let me help you with that. Now, what kind of a world would let someone as petite and delicate as you carry such a heavy box? My world. See? He's a kiss-up. He's not a kiss-up. He's good at getting what he wants. That's one of the things we have in common. That guy makes me so mad. Another thing we have in common. We both like making you mad. Oh, hey, guys. Max is trying wizard training exercise number five. Again. l can do it. l know l can levitate this can. That's bunk. l can't do it. Don't worry, buddy. lt'll happen. Keep working on lesson number five. And you two, we're on lesson number 372. Now, who can guess what these are? lt's charades. Raiders of the Lost Ark, Yes. No. l'm showing different emotions. Today's lesson is about potions that make you have emotions. Emotion potions. Not potions that make you move quicker or slower. Those are motion potions. Did you see what l just did? Yeah. That was a crime of a rhyme. Wow, that was lame and l'm ashamed. Now, the most important thing to remember is when an emotion potion is shared by two people, they both experience the same emotion. Now come on, Justin, let's give a potion a try. Pick a potion, any potion. Not that one. That one. Yeah. Good. That was my second choice. Here we go. Bottoms up. Okay. ln a few seconds, the spell will activate and Justin and l will become mad at each other for no reason at all. l'm feeling kind of angry. l think it's working, Dad. You're the best teacher ever. Oh, no, no. Don't put that on me. You're a great student and l am really proud of you. Oh, yeah? Well, you're the best dad in the whole wide world. How about that? l love you. l love you more. Yeah. - Look at them. - What's the big deal? l've seen them do that over the toy in the cereal box. Yeah. - How do l look? - Why? Because l'm gonna see Brad at school. l've stopped with the ponytail, which says friend, and l've gone to full hair, so l can flip it like this. Because that says girlfriend. Mom, l don't feel so good. Oh, honey. You don't feel warm. All right. Who's doing this? Put me down. - l'm not doing it. - l can't. Not me. Why would--? - lt's me? - Yep. lt's all you. Hey, your full powers are here. You're in the competition with us. So what? l'm still gonna win and be the one that keeps his powers. No, l'm the one who's keeping his powers. l'm taking you both down. Now, how do l get down? Now that your full powers are here, it's time for the hat. - Oh, the hat. - Not the hat. - What hat? - Dad, that hat is so ugly. What hat? l can't believe my mijito's ready for the hat. Somebody tell me about the hat already. The hat will keep your powers under control for a few days while they settle in. Alex, give him the hat. This? l am not wearing this thing to school. Max, we all had to wear it. Just do what l did. l wore some really ugly earrings to distract from the ugly hat. That shirt will do. Come on, let's go to school. There's no way l'm wearing this leaning tower of velvet to school. Wow, what happened to our roof? lt's snowing. Your hat. Right, it will protect me from the snow. No, it caused the snow. Keep your hat on. - Hey. - Oh, hey, Brad. What's that all over you? Dandruff. Really bad dandruff. lt runs in our family. No, wait. lt's snow. l saw it snowing in there. Oh, Brad. You're so funny. lf we were going in a group to the concert, everyone would laugh at you. But it's just us two. ln the park. On Saturday. ls there something wrong with your neck? l'm just real excited for Saturday. You know what? There is something wrong with my neck. Could you rub it for me, please? Oh, Saturday. l forgot, l can't. That's the night of the World Summit. What? That was the night of the group thing with just you and me. How are you sure you'll go to the summit? lt's not all about the schmoozing. lt's about the work. You haven't done anything to deserve it. lt's always about the schmoozing, Justin. - Nice haircut. - Really? - Yeah. - Thanks. l thought l might have gone too short, but l wanted it sharp for the interviews. Hey, you're schmoozing me. What a jerk. He is so cute. He is Nice job on the essay, Justin. Thank you, Mr. Laritate. Does this mean l'm gonna be the World Summit delegate? Hold your horses, buckaroo. You still have the home interview. Because hospitality is an important part of being a world delegate. lt's down to you and Brad Sherwood. And you know Brad. He has such a way with people. Hey, Mr. Laritate. How were those brownies l sent you? You remembered, no nuts. Because of your allergies. - You baked brownies for Mr. Laritate? - Yeah. l was already baking a batch for the group of seniors l read to after school, so l read to people too. l read to preschoolers, because they need someone to read to them because they can't read. Kudos to you, Justin. lf only l weren't busy coaching inner-city kids, l'd do more charity work. Compassion. Brad, that's exactly the quality l'm looking for in a delegate to the World Summit. Good luck, Justin. Guess what. lt is all about the schmoozing. l know, but l have an idea on how l can get Brad to go to the concert with me. Why is it always about you? lf Brad goes to the concert with me, he'll drop out of the summit and you'll be a shoo-in. Are we on the same side? lt's a little creepy, but l think we are. Here's the plan. l'm gonna split a love potion with Brad. He'll be so in love with me, he'll be dying to go to the concert with me. We can't do that. We're not supposed to use magic unsupervised. You'll supervise me, l'll supervise you. How is that unsupervised? lt'll have to do for now. Okay, Brad's here. Love potion time. lf l don't see it, l can say l didn't see it. Oh, my gosh. Made you look. Hey, Brad. Your order's ready. You might wanna start with the drink first because the sandwich is a little dry. l didn't order yet. Yeah, but you and l just get each other. l know what you want. Enjoy your drink. Quick. This guy needs a drink. - No, no. - Here, take this. Wait. What are you doing? - l thought he'd like root beer better. - Here. See? Worked like a charm. Enjoy your sandwich. - Free refills. - Hey, it's mine. That was close. Kitchen. Do you realize what you just did? Oh, my gosh. l drank both halves of the love potion. So if he didn't drink it, who falls in love with you? Oh, hello, gorgeous. Who is that? l think you fell in love with yourself. So what? There's a lot about me to love. There's more now. Oh, that's what they mean when they say you're getting a big head. Not as heavy as you think. Okay, we're just gonna say this: ''Dad, completely by accident, we mixed a love potion and then completely by a different accident, Alex drank both halves of it.'' - Think he'll believe that? - Yes. lf l can get him to drink an ''l'll believe anything'' potion. l don't understand why Brad doesn't think of me as a girlfriend. l'm beautiful, l'm funny, and l always smell a little bit like vanilla. There's no way you can go out with Brad looking like that. l'm gonna have to go back to my original plan, beat Brad fair and square with that interview. What about me? l thought we were on the same side. Oh, no. That ended with the: l guess l was kind of stupid for drinking both halves of the love potion. What did you just say? l said, l guess l was kind of stupid. That's it. Every time you brag about yourself, your head gets bigger. Every time you bag on yourself, your head gets smaller. So remember, bag, don't brag. Oh, l get it. Like, l can't think of anything wrong with me. l'm gonna work on a cheat sheet of ways you can bag on yourself. Bag number one: you're stupid enough to drink both halves of a love potion. Max. What are you doing? Put your hat back on. l had it on, but people keep making fun of me. Wear the hat for a few more days till your powers come in. Jeez, you're in a mood. l got a lot going on. Brad Sherwood, you managed to outdo yourself at the home interview last night. - Thank you. - You better saddle up and get ready for the World Summit, buckaroo. Oh, hello, Justin. You still want me to come over tonight? Yes. lt's a scheduled interview. l'm still a finalist. Mr. Laritate, have you been working out, sir? Well, you look great. Oh, my gosh. Someone sent me flowers. l wonder who it could be. Me. Guys. Okay, so Mr. Laritate's coming, so no one's gonna use magic. Are we clear? You're just gonna smile and direct conversation to one of my many achievements, conveniently listed on these cheat sheets. One, two. Wow, this is tiny. lf this was a list of my achievements, it would be way longer. - Alex. - Sorry. ''Alex doesn't play well with others.'' You make a lot of cheat sheets. He's here. Ready? Hello. l'm Justin's mom, Theresa, and it's so nice to meet you. Hi, l'm Mr. Laritate. Come on in. You know Justin, of course. This is my daughter, Alex, and my other son, Max. Jerry is out on the terrace cooking our steaks. Jerry's Justin's dad. And also my husband. l felt the need to say both because in these modern times, you just can't assume that. Let's sit down. Aren't you a spirited filly? Speaking of spirited filly, you know who rode a pony by himself when he was 9? My brother Justin. Look, l believe in being a straight shooter. Your boy Justin is a long shot for the World Summit. Well, let me tell you about my strengths. My dedication to academics, my interest in geopolitics. Of course, he knows all the words to almost all of the U2 songs. Okay, we're done with this. Go. Get. Look, l'm an upright hombre. So l'd like to give you a fair shake. How would you handle a situation where two delegates at the summit get into a strong disagreement? Well, first, l would-- l'll tell you what l would do. l would use my bubbly personality to get them to both agree with me, since l'm always right. Hey, did l show you my second-grade soccer trophy? lt's for participation. l didn't play, but l was nice to everyone. Here. l do more than participate. l'm a leader. ln fact, l set fashion trends at school on a regular basis. Read this. lt's the W volume. Oh, good. The magic in that hat keeps your head normal size. But what about Max's powers? l'll get it. Brad. You couldn't stay away from me, could you? Oh, Alex. You get me. That's why l brought you these chocolates. Here. Wow, candy. Like what a boyfriend would give a-- - ls that Mr. Laritate? - Come on in. Oh, hey, Mr. Laritate. Nice to-- You're not here for Alex. You're here because it's my interview night. ls tonight the night of your interview? Well, l had no idea. Hey, Mr. Laritate. Check it out. Hey, we're the bolo boys. Bolo ties. Why didn't l think of that? What are you doing with your hat off? We've got Mr. Laritate over. And that guy. Who's that guy? He's Brad. He's my new boyfriend. l'll decide who your new boyfriend is. Mr. Russo, did you make this salsa? lt's fresh. You grow cilantro out on your terrace, don't you? Yes. l like your new boyfriend. Why is your head getting bigger? lt's not. Maybe you're standing too close. Oh, nice try. You drank both halves of a potion, didn't you? Yes, but it was for a good reason. l wanted Brad to like me more than just a friend. So you'd be okay with a guy liking you just because he's under a spell? That's the best part. He's not under a spell. l messed it up, and he still brought me chocolates. Well, then l guess everything's okay, isn't it? l don't feel like steaks. l've got a craving for Chinese food. Wonder who that could be. l'll just go and see. Who ordered Chinese food? l love Chinese food. Alex, Justin, can l show you something? Come on. Come on. Does this look okay to you guys? Because l don't remember moving. To China! We didn't do this magic, Dad. l swear. No, Max did. Because he can't wear his hat, because you have to. And we can't fix any of this right now because of all those people inside. So why don't we get those people to go home? They're 6,000 miles away from their homes. So, what are we gonna do? Wow, whatever Max craves, that's where the loft moves. He does love pineapple. Oh, l've never been to Hawaii. Come on. We gotta get out of here. Come on. Act natural. Wow, l never expected to be entertained with food from all over the world. This is quite the hoedown. Spectacular. lt's too spectacular. There's something going on here, Mr. Laritate. Yeah, you better fix that hitch in your giddyup. What Justin did was bring world cultures together, demonstrating his passion for world affairs. You know what, Justin? These are the qualities l'm looking for. - You're going to the World Summit. - Oh, my gosh. That's great. l won? l lost? l never lose. l came here to make sure that l won. That's why you came here? l even bought this stupid bolo tie. Bolo ties are not stupid. They are the official neckwear of Arizona. Sloppy, sloppy work. You know, l'm gonna get my wife so we can take these lessons together. - You can't leave. Stay. - What's the rush? Mr. Laritate, could you hold on just one moment? Brad, you didn't come here for me. You came here for you. l wanted us to be more than friends, but you're not even a friend. l think we should break up. Break up? We were never going out. Well, in my mind, we were. But now that's all over. How does it feel to be theoretically dumped? Brad, you can go. And, Mr. Laritate, thanks for stopping by. Oh, l'll be back. Better luck next time, Brad. And since you think it's so stupid, you, sir, have no right to wear this. Well, l guess since l'm free Saturday night, l can go to that concert with you. l don't think so. l'm nobody's second choice, because l'm a prize. l've never noticed before, but your head's a little too big for your body. l know. Goodbye. Fine. Fine. There's something weird about this. And there's something weird about all you Russos. l'm gonna find out what it is. Well, good luck with that, Brad. Goodbye. Yes. Well, congratulations on winning your World Summit dele-geek thing. Thanks. Sorry about what happened with you and Brad. Oh, it's okay. l don't know if you noticed, but he was a real schmoozer. Oh, really? You just noticed? Dad, how long do we got to live with Big Head over here? lt could be a few weeks before it wears off. Hey, or we could try this. Okay. There you go. Now, clean this up. Oh, that is so sweet. - Where did all this come from? - Me. - l thought the potion wore off. - lt did. What didn't wear off is how good l feel about sending myself flowers. Who's gonna be kinder to me than me? Certainly not me. Oh, my gosh. l am so funny. l didn't see that coming.

{title:Beware Wolf} All right, which do you think is cooler for my date? Leather jacket or this hoodie? Let's see. Nice leather, or what if we Good. Yep, I'd go with the hoodie. Take it easy. I'm a mouth-breather. I can't believe you let your WizTech buddies set you up on a blind date, and all you know from her is what you've learned from her profile on WizFace. You haven't even seen her. She's hot. And she's into all the same things I'm into. Please. Listen, everybody's hot on WizFace. They don't show their real picture, and lie about what they're into. What picture did she see of you? Oh, I don't think pictures really capture my essence. That's why I posted a complicated mathematical equation. Come check it out. Oh. I get it. Because you're hard to figure out nobody cares enough to try. What other embarrassing things do you have on your embarrassing page? Oh my gosh. I can't believe you posted that picture with you and that centaur. Don't you wish she'd told you she was half horse and half girl before you asked her to WizTech Prom? I saved a lot on a limo. I'm just saying people, or horses, are not always honest on WizFace. OK, that's Isabella now. I guarantee you she looks exactly like her picture on WizFace. Is this the Russo residence? Hi. Here's your floral wristlet. Thanks. And here's some mail that came to my apartment by accident. Oh, ma'am? Take it easy. - Whew. - Ah! I wouldn't "whew" so fast. At least that lady only had two legs. OK. I'm sure Isabella's normal. Oh! Forgot the floral wristlet. Hi, I'm Isabella. Is Justin here? Oh, well you're cute. Boo. Justin? Isabella? Wow, you're even prettier than your pictures on WizFace. And you don't look anything like "X equals Y squared over cosine of pi." I know. Everyone says that. So nice to meet you. And even nicer for you to meet Alex, who thinks she knows everything. Here, take a seat. I'll go get you some of your favorite Diet WizFizz. You know, the soda? I remembered from your profile. Well, this was fun. Can you pass me that sweater, please? OK. Now that was fun. Really? 'Cause my word was "awkward." * Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * And the end will no doubt, justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes please But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * Hey, Alfred. Are you ready to go walk the dog? I don't know. There are a lot of streets to cross between here and the park, where a lot could go wrong. Hey, Mom, we're going to walk the dog in the park. All right, honey. Wait, wait, wait. We don't own a dog. This is Tucker, Mrs. Covington's dog. She's gonna give us five bucks a day to walk him. We're saving up to buy those cups-on-a-chain so we won't have to keep asking you guys for cups. Oh, you know, honey, it's really not that much of a bother. We own a restaurant, we've got hundreds of cups. We want cups-on-a-chain. Are you in or are you out? All right, all right. I guess I'm in. You know what? I'm gonna bake some dog biscuits from a recipe I saw on Dog Food Network. OK? Why do we want cups-on-a-chain again? How many times has someone offered you a beverage and you have nothing to put it in? Never. Well, it'll never happen again. Oh, hi. Are you one of Alex's friends? No, Dad. She's with me. A pretty girl can be with me. Oh, right. Of course. I'm Isabella. You must be Mr. Russo. Hi. Oh, hi. I'll get Alex. Theresa, please. A pretty girl can be with Justin. Oh, of course. Justin and I were set up by friends and we've been getting to know each other on WizFace. WizFace. Really? Oh, yeah. I hear it's a fun, social networking site where people from the wizard world who don't know each other at all can get to know each other. Can you come in the kitchen? We need help with the salami slicing. It's Max's turn for that. - Well, we need your help with something else. - Yeah. - What? - That thing. What thing? Justin, get in the kitchen right now. All right. Come on, Isabella, we're going in the kitchen. No, no! No, no. No, no, Isabella needs to stay here, uh, because, um, because of that thing. That thing with the Oh, what are we doing? Isabella, you stay here. Justin, come on. Oh Hi, Alex. I saw that. Saw what? I'm not sure what I saw, but I saw that. Once again, we have to discuss WizFace and how dangerous it is because you never really know who you're dealing with. And how you keep buying stuff on the World Wide Wizard Web that you don't need. Like the Submarine- part-of-the-month Club? I know it seems ridiculous right now, but in a 128,000 months, I'll have a complete submarine. And there's nothing wrong with Isabella. She's really nice. Well, at least this one's not half horse. That centaur looked beautiful in her prom dress. Honey, you are missing the point. You didn't know she was a centaur before you met her. She ate all the carrots in the sub shop. Our coleslaw was flavorless for a week. Mom, Dad, I hear what you're saying right now, but I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions. All right. Just do yourself a favor and get to know her better before you get serious. Don't worry. It's gonna be fine. I'm going on a date with her. Everything's gonna be OK. Look at her. She's fine. Hey. She totally just heard everything we said. We should really shut this when we're talking about people, and they're sitting right there. So, uh, where are you guys going again? I'm taking Isabella for a walk in the park. Oh. She'll like that. Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Squirrel! You see I almost caught that squirrel? And that bus. And that cab. And the guy on the bike. You almost caught a lot of things. I know. Isn't this the best walk ever? Yeah. I just thought we'd walk together. Oh, OK. Let's walk together. And listen, if I ever get out of sight, all you have to do is whistle. Hot. I like it. Can you believe my sister and my parents think we don't know enough about each other to go out? I know. I can tell from your profile that we're into all the same things, cozy blankets, long naps, car rides. And neither one of us likes thunder storms. Or vacuum cleaners. Vacuum cleaners are the worst. If you don't wear your shoes inside, there's no need for a vacuum. I love shoes. Me, too! I wear them everywhere. I can't wait for my parents to see how perfect we are together. Ow. Hey, Alex, we're getting cups-on-chains to wear around our necks. Well, Justin's girlfriend's a dog. Watch. Hey, guys! Can I play? Thank you. Yo, Isabella! Fetch! Hey, Alex. Isn't Isabella great? She's so athletic and friendly. She says "hello" to everyone in the park. Yeah, your girlfriend's a dog. What are you talking about? She's beautiful. You just hate that we're perfect for each other. She put my sweater in her mouth and played tug-of-war with me. Isabella's hiding something. Oh, you just don't like the fact that I'm falling in love. Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm falling in love. She ate a dog biscuit like it was a chocolate chip cookie right out of the oven. She jumped in the air and caught a plastic flying disc in her mouth. We both love catching plastic flying discs in our mouth. That's one of the many things that we have in common. You can't catch a plastic flying disc in your mouth. You can't catch a plastic flying disc in your hands. Oh, yeah? Hey, Gunnar, hit me. Good throw! Am I bleeding? OK, OK, the swelling's going down, you've cried it out, you're gonna live. Now, Isabella, did you leave out one piece of crucial information on your WizFace page, like the fact that you're a dog? That's ridiculous. I wouldn't be ready to commit myself to Isabella without having a pretty good idea of who she is. You're not a dog, are you? - No. - See? I'm a werewolf. Whoa. I did not see that coming. So what? Not seeing things coming is the roller coaster love. And I am strapped in, ready for the ride. Today, I found out my girlfriend's a werewolf. Yay! How many other guys can say that? Well, none, because I'm guessing anybody else who could say that has been eaten. That's a stereotype. We're actually very loving. I sensed that about you. Oh, Justin, come on! Just admit it. You don't know anything about her. Oh, Alex. I can't believe your level of jealousy. I just hope that one day you can be as happy as we are. Oh, Justin, there is one more thing that you should know about me. Yes, my love? When you kiss a werewolf, you turn into a werewolf. Ah. Perfect. Oh my gosh, this is gonna be so painful! As my genetic structure is changing, as my spine shifts from human to canine, as my hands elongate and become lupine, waiting for the claws to shoot out of my fingernails I love you, Isabella! That's another stereotype. The change is pretty fast and painless. Really? Oh. You're right. Nice coat. Thanks. Alex, what are we gonna do? Well, don't ask me. I proved you guys don't know each other. My work is done. OK, so I'm a werewolf. There's a price to love. Love hurts. But I didn't die. Just a werewolf. I'm not gonna die, am I? No, you're good. Just don't chase cars. All right, that's about as much puppy love as I can take. Get it? Where do I come up with these things? Wait. Alex, you're not gonna tell Dad, right? No. Because Dad would want to blame this all on WizFace and then say, "I told you so." And then he'd want to change me back. And maybe I don't want to get changed back. Maybe I like enjoy seeing everything in black and white. Maybe I'm perfectly happy now as a werewolf. With Isabella. - What is that smell? - It's you, dude. - It comes with the fur. - Oh. Well, then I like it. I love having fur. I'm enjoying my new lease on life. Don't you mean leash on life? Oh, man. That is good one. Up top. Oh, careful with the claw, though. Stop judging us with your hurtful jokes. Come on, Isabella. We're obviously not accepted here. We have to do what people in love have done since the beginning of time. Run away to the only place where animals can be free. The park! OK, don't forget your collars. It's flea season! Another one. I am on fire. OK, we're actually going now. And like I said, don't tell Dad that we're going to the park, OK? I'm not. Why are you still here and not chasing a cat? It's that kind of hatred and prejudice that makes us unable to stay here for one more moment. Come on, my love. Hey, Alex, successful day of dog walking. I got my cup-on-a-chain. Yep. Livin' the dream. What's going on here? Well, Justin's WizFace girl turned out to be a werewolf. They kissed, he turned into a werewolf and they away to spend the rest of their lives together. So I guess it's just you and me. Well, hey, I got Justin a cup-on-a-chain, but, uh His loss is your gain, right? Let's have a race to see who can fill theirs with spit first. Go! Oh, my goodness, I can't live like this. Where are you going? To tell Dad that Justin's a werewolf and that I need him back right away. I'm so glad we're out here starting our new lives together, holding paws on this bench with nobody stopping us, including my parents. I don't even care if they were looking for me and even if they heard me. I'm Justin Russo! Sitting on this park bench! Next to the lamp post. I'm getting kind of hungry. We should go eat some cats or something. Werewolves don't eat cats. That's a stereotype. Just like how we only change during a full moon. We change every night. Even better. It's like people watch a couple of movies and suddenly they know all about werewolves. Oh, I love those movies. Hey, Werewolf? About the inner-city school guidance counselor who understands the kids, because he knows what it feels like to be an outsider. I can't believe you would watch those movies. They're demeaning. I mean, Hey, Werewolf? I didn't believe Ashton Kutcher for one minute. Those shows make us look like animals instead of people with a condition, with proper diet and exercise, can live a normal, healthy life. I'm sorry. OK. I got a little worked up. But I had no idea you liked werewolf movies. That's the type of thing you should've listed on your WizFace profile. I mean, I don't really care where you went to chess camp. You're mad at me because I left something out of my WizFace profile? I think you left something out of your WizFace profile that's pretty big. What? Hmm let me think about what it is while I stroke my beard. And my arms. And my whole body because there's hair all over it. Most moms have to look for their lost kids at the department store, but no, I have to look for my werewolf son in the park! Hey. I said we'll get pretzels when we find him. We can get pretzels anywhere. Oh my gosh, do you smell your mom, your dad and your sister? But mostly your dad? Yeah. And I see them. And after I specifically told them not to come after me! Boy am I mad at her. - Over here! - Good. We'll lure them over and then make a mad dash for it. Exactly. I'll go this way and you go that way. And no stopping and digging. Got it! Oh, guys, there's something I have to tell you. You won best in show? Congratulations. I don't have to say, "I told you so," do I? No. Well, I do. I told you so. You cannot trust what people say on WizFace. I thought we learned that when your prom date had matching shoes and saddle. But apparently someone has to turn themselves into a werewolf for the lesson to take. My poor baby's a werewolf! What are we gonna do? Well, I'm not shaving him. It's not about shaving Justin. I remember a recipe to a potion. Thank you. I'll drink anything. It's not exactly a drinking potion. Dad, this is embarrassing. I know. It's a potion and a punishment all in one. I don't think it's working. He's still hairy. I'm cool as long as he doesn't use my brush. Oh, maybe you do drink it. Yep, it's a drinking potion. What?! I didn't have to scrape eggshells and coffee grounds out of the bottom of that thing? Yeah, looks like we learned a couple of things today. Yeah, Justin learned not to trust people on WizFace, and you learned what the word "ingest" means. I thought it meant joking. Am I supposed to drink my own bath water? Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Ugh. I think I swallowed an eggshell. Hey, it's good to see you again. Yeah. I felt bad that it didn't work out so well with us. I guess we should have gotten to know each other first. I know. We didn't even get to slow dance together at the prom. I'm not doing anything right now. Me neither. Cool.

{title:Wizard For a Day} Oh, no. Please tell me that's not a new robot you're building. Uh, no, it's a pencil holder I made Dad for his birthday. This is the new robot I'm building. A pencil holder? It looks like an old soup can. That's because it was an old soup can. Now it's a heartfelt gift I've made for Dad by removing the label and writing a clever slogan on the side. "Number one Dad, number two pencil." - [laughs] - Are you kidding me? Well, I also charmed it to magically sharpen pencils. [whirring] Yes, because it's so hard to do this. I didn't get him anything. Put my name on it. Oh, no, you're not sharing credit for my gift this year. Fine, if that's the way you want it. ion. I'm not scared of you, Alex. Stop staring at me. Max, you're not gonna wrap that cat up and give it to Dad for his birthday again, are you? He loves getting this cat every year. [chuckles] He thinks he has a collection. Hello, number eight. Max, it's time you started learning from your big bro. So I'm gonna let you jump on board with my thoughtful and unique gift. Wait, you'll let him put his name on your gift but not mine? Fine. Max, before you agree to that, I'm gonna let you in on my gift. - What's your gift? - I don't know yet. But you can be sure it's not gonna look like something you could find in a kindergarten classroom. Let's see: cat, soup can, nothing. I'm gonna stick with the cat. Hey, look who it is. It's the birthday guy. The guy whose birthday it is. Obviously, I'm not ignoring it, because I keep saying it. Birthday, birthday, birthday. Oh. Look, Theresa. The kids are talking about my birthday. OK, honey, I get it. I forgot to say "happy birthday" right when you woke up this morning. Uh, Daddy, Justin and I got you a gift together. Play along, or your robot gets it. I got ten of them. Dad, here's a gift from me. It's a homemade, magic pencil holder. Oh! It's perfect. It combines two of my greatest loves: Canned foods and things that hold other things. Perfect? [laughs] I'm so glad that you like it. Um, that's from me too, Dad. He seems to like it, so I'm in. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * - What are you doing? - You'll be interested to know that I've found the perfect present for Dad. [gasps] She's gonna turn her lips into a zipper? Ooh! That's a good shot. How long have you been working on that one? Since the day Mom came home and said, "Look, there's your little sister, Justin." Well, I'm giving Dad the gift of magic powers for his birthday. What are you talking about? Our powers are limited. We can't give magical powers to a mortal. Ah! That's where you're wrong, "Johnny Can't Skip." Skipping is an unnatural body motion. There's a moment when both feet are off the ground. It's way too unpredictable. [scoffs] Look, I've done a lot of research and there's this thing called Merlin's Hat. It gives whoever wears it unlimited magical wishes for a whole day. - You actually researched that? - Sort of. It was on the first page I opened up to in this book. Well, you have to perform a deed of incredible selflessness and bravery in the wizard world to get Merlin's Hat. We all know that's not gonna happen. - Oh, really? Hold this. - Really. No. OK. [coughing] - Alex, are you OK? - [coughs] - I think so. - What happened? Nothing much. - Really? - Yeah, if you call saving an entire wizard rec center from a dragon attack "nothing much"! Check it out. Merlin's Hat. By the way, we're having dragon heart for dinner. And so, to prove there are more than only two good children in this family, I'd like to present my father with a birthday present. It's probably earrings or something else she wanted. Alex, is this what I think it is? - Is this Merlin's Hat? - Yes, and when you put it on, you have unlimited magical wishes for a whole day. Awesome. - That's from me too, Dad. [chuckles] - What about our pencil holder? - Unlimited wishes, pencil holder. Come on, I'm not an idiot. - This is amazing, Alex. - [clears throat] And Max. You've given me powers again. Yes, she's pulled magic into the real world for selfish reasons. What could possibly go wrong? Come on, Dad. Get up and say, "Goonga galoonga," and make a wish. You don't really have to say, "Goonga galoonga." It's just funny. All right. I'm a little rusty, but here goes Goonga galoonga. [laughs] Look at that! - Pencils? - Yeah. To put in my new favorite pencil holder. - Pencils? - I'm back on Justin's gift. - Pencils? - Hey, look at that! They're already sharp! Thank you, Justin. Uh, doesn't anybody hear me repeating the word "pencils" over here? I don't know if you noticed, but Dad just used your gift to make my gift better. - I noticed. - I know. Dad, you realize you can do anything you want with that hat, right? Literally. Anything at all, in the whole world. You want me to try it again, huh? All right, uh Mmm There's Ooh, I got it. Goonga galoonga. Yes! Huh? [laughs] - A milkshake? - Not just any milkshake. This is a Milky Way Milkshake from The Asteroid Belt. That was his favorite restaurant when he was a kid in the neighborhood. He reminds me of it every time he has a milkshake. So pretty much every day. The place doesn't exist anymore. It had this cool '50s sci-fi theme. Mm. Boy, I forgot how exciting it is to have powers! Dad, you're wrecking the word "exciting." Face it, Alex. Your gift just isn't as impressive as you thought it would be. I don't know about that. I'd say this milkshake is the next best thing to having the actual Asteroid Belt open again. Open again. Interesting. Goonga galoonga. That is fun to say. Guys, come down here and see how great I am! Oh, my gosh! Alex, what have you done? I just wanted to show Dad how to use the hat right. It looks just like The Asteroid Belt, with the rocket ships and The chair's the same! Honey, look! The original Milky Way Milkshake machine. I love this so much! Really? You love it? Did you hear that? He loves it so much. This is incredible, Alex. - Yeah, it's, uh, also from me too, Dad. This was a great trip down memory lane. And I will never forget it. Now you should tn it back into the sub shop. - Turn it back? But you just got it. - No, I know. It was fun. But, you know, you should turn it back. You heard him, Alex. Turn it back. Excuse me. This looks like a place I used to go to when I was a kid. - I'm sorry, we're closed. - Oh! I'd pay anything for one of those milkshakes. Anything? Ten dollars. We'll take three. Maybe we should keep it like this for a while. - You should have said 15. - Ooh! Welcome. [lauaughs] This place is a hit. I've never seen it this crowded before. We are raking it in. [sighs] See how ppy Dad is? My gift is so good, I don't even want you on it, Max. You're off of it. - What'd I do to get kicked off the gift? Restaurants themes like this are just a fad. They never last. Believe me. Mr. Russo, we're with the Waverly Place Merchants' Association and we've come to present you with an award for having a fantastic fad that's not going anywhere anytime soon. We hereby declare you King of the New York Milkshake for your delicious Milky Way Milkshake. King of the New York Milkshake? Are you serious? Perhaps this official-looking certificate - will answer that question. - Oh! Thank you. Theresa, check it out. I guess it's no surprise when you marry Prince Charming, he grows up to be a king. You know, that pbably should've seemed arrogant to me, but I find your newfound confidence very appealing. Alex, your gift just keeps getting better and better. I'm glad you think so, Dad. But could you say that a little louder so Justin can hear you? - I'm standing right here. - I know. I just wanted to hear him say it louder. Thank you all for including me in your family meeting. It's better than how we do it at my house: from separate rooms on walkie-talkies. Now as you all know, we're no longer that crummy train restaurant. We are now an amazing spaceship restaurant. Yes, amazing. Put that in your family meeting notes, Justin. A-M-A-Zing. On you. The bear, me, you: bear trap. OK, everybody, let's listen to your father. He's taking charge, for once in his life, and I, for one, can't get enough of it. Now, with our new popularity, it's gonna take more people per shift to cover the demand. - Oh! - Whoa. I thought this restaurant represented the future. Shouldn't there be less work in the future? Oh! - Harper, you're hired. - Yes! Oh, I hope I didn't sound too desperate. My mom says that's how people get taken advantage of. [laughs] Oh, Harper, no one's taking advantage of you. You've got the first four shifts. And you guys have all the rest. Thanks a lot, Alex. Now I don't want to hear any complaints because I also got us great new uniforms. This can't be good. You're all waiter-nauts. They're not the most comfortable outfits, but you'll get used to the limited range of motion. Harper, I don't know how much more of this I can take. What are you talking about? This is more breathable than most things I wear. - [ringing] - Oh! Oh! It's time for our hourly rocket launch here at The Waverly Asteroid Belt. Where the deals are out of this world! Dad, you're selling food, not electronics. - For now. - Ready! Five, four, three, two, one! - [rumbling] - [all] Whoa! Salute! - You didn't salute. - I didn't do a lot of things. Justin, you win. This was a bad idea. You have to help me get rid of this place. I'm sorry you feel that way, Alex. But, uh, I'd also like to point out this: What is wrong with you? That's right. I learned how to skip. This outfit has gotten me a lot of attention from a very interesting, fringe group of women. Hi. And the Alien Language League finally has a suitable place to meet. What's up, Zeke? [speaking alien language] - Oh, my gosh, really? Show me. - Mm-hm. - [speaks alien language] - Thanks. I call it power hoppin'. [speaks alien language] Oh, my gosh. I have to make this stop. What's going on? - I made a really bad decision with this present for my dad. Having a popular restaurant is way too much work. I'd rather have a place that's barely scraping by, like our old Sub Station. I'm just gonna put this hat on and wish for it all to go away. Goonga ga Look at how happy he is. I can't take this away from him. Oh, Tin Man. You do have a heart. Yes, but only until I get tired of lording this over Justin. Oh, who are we kidding? I'll never get tired of that. - [crashing, sputtering] - What was that? Let's split up and see what's going on! I'll go outside! I'm gonna go check under your bed. Bye! [rumbling] Do you guys believe it? Aliens have landed on Waverly Place. Who's gonna tell them they can't park there? They're gonna get towed. I've been waiting my entire life for this moment! - [zooming] - [crowd screams] I got this. [clears throat] [speaking alien language] I have no idea what you are talking about, kid. I just welcomed you to this planet and offered you my eternal brotherhood. Sounded like a lot of gibberish, if you ask me. [gasping] That's 'cause you're from the wrong planet. Listen up, earthlings. We have come to your street because we heard that the Milky Way Milkshake has been brought back. We have always believed that the Milky Way Milkshake is the tastiest milkshake in the entire universe. And now that the machine is back up and running, we want it. And we intend to get it. [crowd screaming] Thanks to your magic gift, real aliens have come here. What are we supposed to do now? Lie our butts off. You know I'm not really comfortable Oh, right, I got it. [clears throat] Uh, fellow citizens of New York City and the outlying boroughs, don't panic. This is just an elaborate promotional stunt, yes, a promotional stunt, for the new restaurant here. That's right. Because if these were real aliens, they would probably look much more expensive. - What's that? - Yeah - Wizards dressed as aliens? - Real aliens. [both] Oh, boy. Who are you? He's King of the New York Milkshake. - No - Regular Thanks a lot! Hand over the milkshake machine. - Here's the milkshake machine. - [gasps] Jerry! All right, fine. Everybody, run for your lives! - [blasting] - [ricocheting] Justin, I hate to tell you this, but this was a poorly conceived promotional stunt. That's coming from a guy who is susceptible to commercial ad campaigns. - [grunts] - [shattering] [grunting] Jerry, help us! Uh Ah! Not the milkshake machine! - Please! - I knew it. [yelps] Max, you always play those alien video games. - Try to reason with them. - I'm not really that good. You only let me play an hour a day. That's because you have a C-minus in math. Are we really having this conversation right now? C-minus? How are you doing better than me? [screaming] Are you happy now? You just had to get a better gift than me, didn't you? Can you just forget about that for one second? They're closing in on Dad. What should we do? [Jerry] Alex! Give me Merlin's Hat! Goonga galoonga. Did it work? Am I alone on the big island? [Theresa] Ha! I knew it! What is wrong with this thing? You only get one day to make wishes, that was yesterday. The hat's powerless. Uh-oh. Dad, I'm sorry. I guess if we've learned one thing here today, it's that I should stop trying to be nice to people. Hey, what happened? Where did the milkshake machine go? Justin! You did it! Luckily, one of those aliens dropped this thing and I was able to quickly figure out how to operate their advanced technology. It's a switch. Well, this is just great. Come on, guys, we've got a long trip back. How did you know that shooting Merlin's Hat would reverse all of Dad's wishes? I didn't. I was just really sick of that present. And how did you know you wouldn't hit me with a laser? Well, Dad, that was a risk I was willing to take. And Dad, why did you try to trade me? Son, there is no doubt in my mind they would have brought you back in a day. [mouths] - Oh! - Uh! Why are we all hugging? Because that's what normal families do. [spaceship launching off] Dad, I'm sorry about wrecking your birthday. I just wanted you to have a good birthday gift. I know you did, honey. And I appreciate it. I just want you guys to know that everything isn't about big birthday gifts. Sometimes, it's the simple, little gifts that are the best ones. That goes for magic too. It's not always about slaying dragons or bringing a restaurant back from the past. Sometimes, a soup can that's charmed to do this - [whirring] - is all you need. I even missed the little cat that Max gives me every year.

{title:Alex Gives Up} Dad. Since it looks like I'm gonna be the family wizard anyway, can I just take out the garbage using magic? Come on, for practice. Magic to do your chores? Are you new here? Theresa, come on. A little practice can't hurt. Mom, you can't resist the pout. Fine. Garbage man, dumpster land, givin' a hand to the trash can. Ladies and gentlemen, the future family wizard. What a nightmare. Keep the clapping going, because I have a very big announcement. I have decided to quit the wizard competition. Ladies and gentlemen, the Russo family quitter. We are an impressive bunch. Alex, why would you want to give up magic? Well, I figure I'm so far behind, I won't even qualify. This way, I can put all of my focus into my relationship with Mason. And I intend to focus on our relationship by giving up many of my canine urges. Like rolling around in this delightful trash. All right. Go ahead and knock yourself out. She declares her love for her werewolf by sacrificing her powers. Harper, what are you doing? I'm writing a romance novel. It's all about this teenage witch in New York City who falls desperately in love with a werewolf. Witch and a werewolf I'm not a witch. It's not all about you, Alex. Well, then, what's that witch's name? Al Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Hi. We're looking for Max Russo. If he did something good, it probably wasn't him. If he did something bad, we're broke. Where is he, Daddy? If I don't meet him, I'm going to throw away all of my stuff, and make you buy it all again. Not again, princess. Please, tell me he's here. Hi. I'm Julie Cucuy. - Cucuy? - This is my husband, Carlos, and our daughter Lisa. Lisa saw Max on this month's cover of Future Wizards. Wait, wait, your last name is Cucuy? That's funny because that's also the name of these scary Latino mythical creatures that my mom used to talk to me about to make me behave as a child. That's us. Boo. We're real Cucuys. We live here in the real world just like you wizards do. Excuse us. Theresa, I've heard about these Cucuys. They are filthy rich. And it's always been my lifelong dream to hang out with the filthy rich. I thought your lifelong dream was to have a vending machine couch. The filthy rich would have that. Wait, if you guys are real Cucuys, how come you're not as scary as I remember you to be? In the summer of '79, I put you to bed every night with my scary face under my skin. Boo! Cucuys! I promise I'll behave, Mama! I'm sorry! What's she saying? It sounded like she was ordering a number four from Fiesta Express. There he is. Max Russo, the future wizard. Future wizard?! What? Oh, that's me. You didn't even win the competition! That's it. I'm doing whatever it takes to get back into this thing. But first, I'm gonna draw a silly mustache and maybe a unibrow to express my discontent. Hi, Max. Hmmm. You're even cuter in person. Yeah, we should date so I can tell you what to wear. Well, can you start by telling me to wear a Viking helmet? Everything goes with one of those. I don't think so. - Then I'm out. - He's not out, he's not out! You just made a big mistake. That was awesome. You should have opened with that. I'm Max Russo. Hi. Credit Union of Wiz World, John Doe Wiz World City Prosecutor, Ah, Wizard Family Competition Commissioner's Office. 15C. Welcome to the Wizard Family Competition Commissioner's Office. Can I help you? Uh, yes. Hello there, Helen. I'm Justin Russo. - Justin Russo. - Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, here you are. Wait, you're the kid who exposed wizardry? Might have slipped out. You have got some nerve walking around here. I was wondering if there was anything you can think of to, uh get me back into the running. Helen. Well All right, we do offer a community service program that might help you gain a level. Let's see what current jobs are available. OK. Centaur stable cleaner. Wizard grave digger. Really? Or tutoring a class of delinquent WizTech students. Any of those suit your fancy? Tutoring suits my fancy. Yes, tutoring. I was born to shape young wizards' minds. - Really? - Yeah! - That's so noble of you. - They call me Noble Justin. Well All right, then. They will be at your lair tomorrow. Good luck. Excellent. Thank you. And, uh It was good seeing you, Helen. You got the gig, kid. Give it a rest. Do it again. Do it again, do it again. I've already shown you 18 times. It's getting annoying. He was annoying to me, too, at first. But he'll grow on you. There's my little princess. With her prince. The Cucuys! How are ya? Hi! They are really hitting it off. You might want to put on sunglasses, 'cause the sparks, they are a-flying. Good, because we wanted to invite Max to our yacht for a dinner party. Do you think he would enjoy that? Max would be up for anything. Um, but he doesn't go anywhere without his family. I mean, he doesn't do anything without us. Especially yachting. Terrific. You're all invited to our yacht on the Hudson. Yacht on the Hudson? Yacht on the Hudson? Max! We're going yachting on the Hudson! Yachting on the Hudson. Yachting on the Hudson. Thank you so much. We would love to attend. Uh could you pop us some more popcorn, love? Plain or caramel? Oh, that. It was a gem. Let's embellish it a little bit. All right. Um, how about you say, "Albert, I would hike through plains and swim through an ocean of caramel to be" Hey, kids! Oh, Chancellor Tootietootie. Just popping in when there might be someone around who shouldn't know about magic. Just what I was afraid of. You guys are still together. Of course we're together. That's what you do when you're dating. When you're married is when you do things separately. Well, I heard you dropped out of the wizards' competition. If you're going to be a mortal, you should know that the Wizard Love and Romance Council strictly prohibits werewolves and non-wizards from being together. What? Why? The werewolf always ends up eating the human. You know that. Werewolves can't control their anger. It's just a fact of life. But we were gonna be together forever and ever. So long that I said "ever" twice. I would never eat my little meatball. See, he's already looking at you as food. You guys are through. It's the rules. Sorry, but it's time to board the train to Splitsville. Choo, choo! We can't We can't be together? Then that means We have to break up. That's not Splitsville! I can't be without you. I can't be without you either. After all that we've been through, it just can't end like this. This is awkward. I always wait too long before I flash out. You keep going here and I'll just leave. OK? No, no, no, no, no. Wait. It's actually good that you're still here. Who do we have to talk to at the Love and Romance Council to see about getting this rule appealed? That would be me. I'm the chairperson of the Love and Romance Council. And now it's going to be even more awkward when I inform you that your appeal is denied. All right, let's flash it out. Come on! Alex. Oh, hi, Chancellor Tootietootie. Why aren't you getting ready for the Cucuy yacht party? My two nightmares rolled up into one. Boats and Cucuys. What a treat. A Cucuy party? You're so lucky. Well, you're lucky, too. Because we're inviting you to tag along. Really? Even after I just insensitively told you the heart-wrenching news that you have to break up? Yeah. See, that's the great thing about me is I do not hold a grudge or offer things insincerely in hopes of getting something in return. I'm going to a Cucuy party! I better flash out, before you change your mind. Harper, he's gone. Whoo, all right. Nicely played, Alex. For a second there, I thought you guys were gonna have to break up, But once he gets to that Cucuy party, he'll be so grateful, he'll bend all the rules for you. Oh, now I get it. I just thought Alex was being uncharacteristically generous. - Me? - You, generous? Welcome, class. Please have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. Or make a mess. I'm your wizard tutor, Justin Russo. I know a lot of you have been written off by WizTech. But I'm here to write you on. It sounded way better in my head. Ah. We have our first latecomer. Let me guess. Big guy. Thinks he's too cool for school. Let me guess. Lame-o who irons his socks? There's nothing wrong with a crisp toe crease. Yeah, but there's something wrong with your mom. You met my mom? This is gonna be a lot more work than I had anticipated, but I tell you guys, I am a person who likes challenges. Excellent. Let's throw down. C'mon, pull your sleeves off right now. I'm wearing a tie. I don't think so. All right, fine. I'll do it for you. I just ironed both of them. Thank you for having us, Carlos. This is a beautiful boat. Wow. How much does one of these babies cost? You looking to buy one? No, just looking to brag. I am doing great. Would you laugh? Man, these Cucuys really know how to live. Thanks, Carlos. Hey, free caricatures on the Lido deck. Let me ask you a question. Is my head that big? Be honest with me. No. I'm glad we brought you, so you could have so much well-deserved fun. Yeah, which you wouldn't have had if we didn't bring you here. And also you get to see what a great couple we make. You know what? You do make a great couple. It would be a shame to see you two break up. I like where this is going. There shouldn't be rules keeping you apart. I'm gonna recommend to the Love and Romance Council that the rule be overturned. Congratulations. I love where this went. It worked! We don't have to break up! What are they so happy about? I don't know. I mean, he's a werewolf, so what's not to be happy about? Oh, he's a werewolf? I like them. They're cute and dangerous. That and they can be smooth when they want to, and hairy when they don't. Daddy, I changed my mind! I want him! Now, let's continue our journey into education with some fun. All right? Who here has heard of the Abraca-doodler? Uh, yeah. Your mom's an abraca-doodler. Ooooh! Doesn't even make sense. OK. I want everyone to turn their attention to this ancient teaching device. Whatever I draw on it will materialize. Watch. All right? - Oh. - Yes, Felix. Can I try? Of course, yes. Yes. This is good. When you take your first step towards education, education takes a step towards you. That one sounded way better out loud than in my head. A bell! Excellent. You have mastered the Abraca-doodler. School's out. No, school is not out! Felix! You raised your hand. Check minuses, all of you. It's done. Hey, Mason. Max just told me you're a werewolf. So, do you want to be my boyfriend? My dad will buy you all the chew toys you want. Hi, Lisa. Yes. See, he's my boyfriend. We just fought for love and won, so And you're on a boat named after me. So, I think I win. Come on, Mason. Let's go slow dance in the ballroom. That's not a good idea. Ooh, a feisty werewolf. Even better. Cucuys are usually terrified of werewolves, but I'm not. Mason, I'll take care of this. You want to see a feisty werewolf? You got it. Hey! Hey, everyone. Let's play a game called "Embarrass Your Boyfriend." I'll go first. Do you know Mason told me he sleeps in a nightgown and cap, like Ebenezer Scrooge? What are you doing? I told you to never tell anyone that. Oh, I'm sorry, Mason. Are you getting upset? Did you know that Mason can only ride in the car if his head is sticking out the window and his tongue is flapping in the wind? Alex, stop. You're making me mad. Oh, and here's the best one. Mason cries if you just say Old Yeller. - Old Yeller. - Stop it! Jerry, what is Alex doing? I don't know, but the Cucuys are laughing, and when rich people laugh, you laugh. Ooh, this is gonna be good. It's werewolf time. Werewolf?! Cucuys! Hey! Polyester gets really clingy when it's wet. Carlos, Julie, I'll save you! - Jerry? - She didn't mean it! Good thing I'm always ready for a swim, huh? Cannonball! Maybe I should move. You can go in the easy way or my way. Nice going, wolfy. Excellent work. You wrecked a perfectly good party. Not to mention a near-authentic admiral's uniform. See? What did I say? Werewolves can't control themselves, and that will put you in danger. No rule change. You two need to break up, and the sooner the better. Now I'm going to flash out before this clingy suit makes it really awkward for you guys. Chancellor Tootietoot! Alex, why did you make me do that? You completely blew our chance of us ever being together. I know, I'm so sorry. I just I got jealous. What do we do? I guess we have to break up. But we can still be close friends. There's no rules against that. Whatever we have to do to still be around each other, I'll do. Friend. Me, too. Friend. - Sorry. - Right. - Right. - Friends. Friends. Awww! "The end." Aw, what a great and tragic romance. I did it. I finished my first novel. Harper, can you give me a hand? I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not a WizTech professor. I'm just a future non-wizard. Oh, listen, sweetie. You want to try the centaur stable gig? It's not so bad if you have boots up to your neck. Hey, Mr. Jeff. It's Justin. Yeah. Be happy I picked a boy's name. Thanks for showing me that Abraca-doodler thing. I'm gonna tell the rest of the delinquents that it's cool to come back tomorrow. Really? You hear that, Helen? Sure did. You could still turn them around and get back in the competition. Yeah, Teach. Tell your mom you're doing a good job. Is that another mom insult? No, I just thought she'd appreciate hearing it. Ah! You tell your mother you're doing a good job, too. Don't talk about my mother. Just sewed 'em back on!

{title:Retest} Squeeze, squeeze. And that's how you turn lemons into lemonade. And what is magical about that? Nothing, but it tastes great. All right. Who's ready for today's wizard lesson? Oh, I'm sorry. I can only learn one new thing a week, so I guess I'll just see you guys next week. Great. Ah-ah-ah. - Uncle Kelbo! - Hey, everybody! You're not gonna believe this, but I just discovered Amica. You should have seen Columbus' face as he sailed up, and I was waiting there for him looking like this. - I thought I heard Kelbo. - You heard right. - Nice outfit. - Well, thank you. Can you stand outside the restaurant and hand out menus? Actually, no, I cannot. I'm spending all my time using my magic while I still have it. What are you talking about? I got a letter from the Wizard Council. There's some sort of technicality, and we have to take our wizard test again. All of us. You, me, and somebody else. - All of us? - Who's "all of us?" - No one. - OK, we're not four years old. We know that "no one" means someone. Kelbo and I have a sister. You guys have an aunt. Oh, I knew it! - I didn't know it. - Hold on. How come you guys never told us we had an aunt? When I won the wizard competition and gave my powers to Kelbo, she got mad and wanted nothing to do with our family ever again. - Which is fine with me. - Not fine with me. The wizard auditor's gonna be here on Friday. And if Meg is not here to retake that test, the Russos will lose their powers forever. - What? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you telling me that my kids might lose their powers, too? Hm-hmm. Oh, no. This is This is bad. We're gonna have to find a way to get her back here so she can retake the test. The problem is nobody knows where she is. Well, we're gonna have to find her then. I have a magnifying glass. Will that help? She's not tiny. But you said she was an ant. Dad, we've got to do something. We all know that I was the one that was gonna win. I know. And you worked really hard, too. You must feel terrible. Suddenly slacker girl over here isn't looking so dumb anymore is she? * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * I can't find a Megan Russo anywhere on the World Wide Wiz Web. OK, well, how are you spelling "Russo?" Sometimes I'm in a hurry and I don't use any "S's." Uh, hey. Once you all lose your powers, we should use the Wizards' Lair as a quiet room just for Mom. - What's a quiet room? - You'll never know. Theresa, we're trying to figure out a way for the kids not to lose their magic. Is there anything you guys can tell me about Aunt Megan - to help me find her? - Whoo, I know. I know when your dad first introduced me as the girl he was giving away his powers for, she threw my homemade empanadas off the terrace and hit a cop. So Aunt Megan has a police record. Found her! Found her! Megan Brooke Russo. She lives in Paris. Paris? She sounds German. Dad, don't you think you should go apologize and convince her to take the retest? Absolutely. I'm going to go over there and make her take that test, or I'm going to sit on her, look her in the eye and dangle a loogie right over her face. That's how I got her to do things when we were kids. Uh, it'd be better if just you guys go. All right, let's go. Wait, Alex, let me do it. I never get to do it. All right, fine. Let's go to our new aunt's. Take us to Paris, Texas. What? See? This is why we don't let you do the spells, Max. Hi, uh Are you Megan Russo? Yeah. We're Jerry Russo's kids. Oooh. I'm not Megan Russo. Wha? Well, we gave it a shot. Let's go. Yes, I'm convinced, since your paintings say, "M. Russo" and your smock says "Megan." OK, I'm your aunt. Let's do all the aunt stuff. Wow, I haven't seen you in so long. You're so tall. When did the cast come off? That was fun. Have a great trip back. You're kicking us out? You're still that upset with your brothers? No, I'm not upset. I've totally let it go. Then, what's this? Oh, it's the latest in my series, called "Every Russo for Themselves." Wow. She really knows how to hold a grudge. Sounds like someone else we know. Don't look at me like that. I'm still mad at you for the last time you said I hold a grudge. OK, great. Thanks for stopping in. Have a great trip back. I need to get back to doing a lot of nothing. Wow. Alex, you do a lot of nothing. You know, she's like your weird, older-looking twin. No offense. You remind me of a brother I used to have named Kelbo. Really? I have an uncle named Kelbo. Couldn't be the same guy. My Kelbo is an uncle, and yours is a brother. Yep. You're just like him. - Thank you. - It wasn't a compliment. - Thank you. - It was an insult. Thank you. Aunt Megan, you need to come back with us. You and your brothers need to retake the wizard exam. It's the only way the Russo family can save its wizarding powers. What do I care about wizard powers? Look, I don't know if you heard, but I got totally jacked in the wizard competition. Look, we all know what happened to you, OK? Yes, it was bad. This can be your one chance to win your powers back. Yay, we all love power! And we also heard how unfairly you were treated. - Yes. - And how my dad and uncle want to apologize to you for that. - Yep. That's what they said. - Aunt Megan. Would you mind taking Max on a tour? Don't let him touch anything. Too late. You can't really lean on these. Alex! What are you doing? Dad said he was never going to apologize to her. I'm winging it. Well, what are you gonna do if she says yes, and comes back with us, and then they won't apologize? Then I'll wing it again. The important thing is not the truth, it's getting her back. So, how about it, Aunt Megan? Dad and Uncle Kelbo are ready to get on their knees and beg for your forgiveness. Well, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Especially because I thought I never would. Winging it never fails. Is this place a sandwich shop or a subway stop? Let me guess. It was your dad's idea. Megan. Wow, you're here. Yep, I'm here. Nice job combining two of your favorite things: railroad travel and eating. Shows how much you don't know me. My two favorite things now are baking my own pie crusts and knitting. I'm just going to move this breakable stuff out of the way. You know, get it out of reach. Wow. I never thought I'd see the day you'd come back here. When I heard what you were going to do, how could I miss it? - What? - What do you mean "what?" Start winging it, Captain Flappers. Captain Flappers? I'll think of something better. Just go. Uh, Daddy, Aunt Megan was really excited to hear how much you missed her. And how you feel really, really bad about what happened. Really? 'Cause that doesn't sound like Megan at all. Look, I'm just going to cut to it: I was told you'd be on your knees for this. - She's just like you. - No, she's not. The only way I'm getting on my knees is if I'm sitting on you, dangling a loogie over your face. Then why did I even come to your stupid restaurant-slash-train station? It's a sub shop. - Just like you. - I don't see it. Hey, everybody. Congratulate me. I just won the Indianapolis Place your bets now. I was a longshot. Oh, my Megan! It's Megan. I remember you. You're my sister. - Wow. - Hi, Kelbo. I can't believe you got her to come back to take the test. - Not without an apology. - Well, OK. Go ahead. Um, no, Kelbo. She wants us to apologize to her. What for? For giving your powers to him instead of me. OK, this is clearly between the two of you, OK? Who wants to go with their uncle fishing for llamas? Kelbo! Megan, you know I had to give him my powers because he needed them more. Kelbo's life without magic would be a travesty. A horrible travesty. That's why I like to spend all my time appreciating what I've got, and going fishing for llamas! Aunt Megan, this can be your one chance to win your powers back. I'm apologizing for them. Sorry! Please retake the test. Why should I? Jerry will still win and give his powers to Kelbo, and all of my hard work will be for nothing. And I really don't like hard work. Oh, my gosh, she is just like me. - Kelbo, send me home. - You got it. Zooba, zooba, zooba, hey sister, go sister, Paris, Texas. - Alex, what did you do? - She winged it, Dad. And I specifically told you not to wing it. Hey, I got her here. If you don't like winging it, what do you got? I don't know, but there's gotta be something we can do. What if we hired a wizard lawyer? Maybe he can find a loophole so we can keep our powers. I know just the guy. He's fantastic! The best fish lawyer in the business. I'm telling ya, this guy's a shark. No offense. OK. Mr. Fish We had a transfer of power indiscretion, and our aunt won't take the retest. Is there any legal solution? We're toast. Hey, I don't want to be insensitive, but how long do you think it will take to get all this wizard junk out of here? Oh, that was insensitive, huh? OK, looks like it's over. I'm heading to Atlantic City. You, my friend, get the hotel room. I'll get the plane ticket. Go ahead, Mom. Make it your quiet room. There's no need for a wizard training area anymore, because the competition is over. Right, Alex? I really messed up, Harper. My family could lose our wizard powers because of what I did. I'm probably gonna end up like my Aunt Megan, with nobody in my family wanting anything to do with me. Then I've got this covered. Here's what you do. Get a small refrigerator in your room, and then be best friends with someone ose family you like and spend all of your time at their house. Alex, honey, grab your wand. I want you to take me somewhere. Really? You never want anything to do with magic. Wait a minute. You're not dropping me off at boarding school, are you? I never thought it would be you, Mom. I will not let you do it, Mrs. Russo. Standing up to you is really tough for me, because this is the only place I have to go. Harper, honey, relax! I'm not sending Alex away. I just need to show her something. OK I hate traveling by wand. Makes my ears pop and my ankles swell. I hate it, too. I hear stuff and I taste metal. I know. Wait till they turn you invisible. None of your clothes fit right after that. Really, Mom, this was urgent a minute ago, so Oh, you're right. Let's go. Oy! - What do you want? - Look, Megan! I'm sorry. I can't hear very well right now, but just listen to me, OK? I know that you don't get along with your brothers, and that's your business. But now, it's affecting my kids, and that's my business. OK? Wait a minute. My ears just popped. Look, Theresa, I'm not going back there. There's too much bad blood between me and my brothers. There's nothing I can do forou. Don't you even care that Justin, Max, and I are going to lose our powers? You'll be OK without magic. - I am. - Uh, no, you're not. You live alone on a roof. Mom, it's in Paris. It's beautiful. Look at the view. Shh. It's still sad. Look, Megan, you're a miserable, bitter mortal. You have no family. You want to know why Alex will be OK without magic? Because she has her family. You got schooled! - Alex, watch your mouth. - Oh, sorry. Well, you just wasted your time by coming here. Wow, maybe I did. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help, Alex. No, Mom. You did help. I'm not gonna let magic do this to us. And, Aunt Megan, I have a suggestion for your painting. Now you're the one being chased by a shark. Buh-bye. Guys, we gotta talk about a lot of things. No, we don't. We're done talking to you. We're packing. Don't you see what this is doing to us? We haven't even finished the wizard competition, and we're already fighting like Dad, Kelbo and Megan. Since when have you ever cared about the wizard competition? Since I figured out it was tearing us apart. Guys, do you know what we need to do? We need to put aside our differences, come together, and show the Wizard Council that the Russos aren't going to take this lying down. Continue. Sure, we annoy each other. And sure, you're probably not going to amount to anything. Sure, I might end up along the side of the highway, wearing an orange jumpsuit picking up trash. But you know what I like to call that? I like to call that "family." If there's one thing I've learned about family, it's that if we stick together, nothing can hurt us. Well, we're gonna lose our powers anyway, so what else do we have to lose? - Yeah! Let's do it. - All right. OK. Bring on the Wizard Council! OK, guys, I'm gonna get a bunch of rest. It's gonna be a big, long, emotional day tomorrow. - Wait, tomorrow? - Yeah. So that's not today? No, tomorrow. The day the wizard auditor's coming. All right, do you guys want to meet earlier before he gets here and then we can redo this whole moment, or we can just remember that it happened? Yeah, no, we're good. All right, let's go. I am here to administer a retest to, uh, Jerry, Megan and Kelbo? Uh, Mr. McFly? Our sister, Megan, is not gonna be here. Oh, then this is gonna be quick. Where's your wizard power panel? I need to take the fuses. Um, I don't recall where that is. - It's right here. - Oh, this? This is our decoy panel to, you know Are you the wizard competition auditor? - Yes. - We quit. Time out. - What are you doing? - I'm winging it. You gave a big inspirational speech for that? Well, first of all, thank you for remembering my speech. And second of all, you're family and you're gonna wing it with me. We're behind you, General Flappers. Would you stop saying that? I wasn't happy with it. OK, hands in. - One, two, three - Russos! Time in! Ever since this re-test came up, I've learned a little something about us Russos. We don't need powers to make us a family, and we're not gonna let wizard powers break us apart. And my brothers are behind me. You know what? She's right. I don't want to end up losing these guys. I quit, too. Alex had a great speech yesterday, and the parts that I remember were very moving. I quit, too. Yay, family! I'm proud of you kids for sticking together. Well, I guess I'm gonna go to the place where I wanna be when there's no more magic. We're done, so here. Man, I hate this job. Every day, I see the wizard competition tear families apart. Even I haven't seen my own sister in years. You know what? I'm gonna let you keep your powers. That's against the rules. I don't know if you're allowed Um, um, hey, look you're bending the rules. I'm a rule bender. He's Johnny Honest. Forget about him. Oh, look, if it comes up? Mr. McFly was never here. Thank you! Wow! You did it. You guys did it! Guys, I'm sorry I got us into this mess in the first place. Hmm, you're not at all like Aunt Megan. But, I complain, I make fun of you guys, and I hardly do any work. I'm exactly like Aunt Megan. Well, a lot of that is true. No, you apologized. You did. That's something Aunt Megan has never figured out how to do. Hey, what do you say we unpack these boxes? How about we let Max do it? Don't feel like going to Texas. Love on the rocks. Unpack the box-es. Um, excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Alex, I know it's you. I can see Kelbo's wand number in my caller ID. Guys, she's on to us. You forgot to dial pound, horse, unicorn! - What do we do? - What we always do. Run!

{title:Meet the Werewolves} The Autumn Moon Feast is a great werewolf holiday. We do this great ritual called "Find the Squeaky Bone." Whoever finds it gets to squeak it. I've squeaked it five years in a row. In your face, Uncle Walter. Well, let's go so I can finally meet your parents. My parents? Uh You know, the Autumn Moon Feast is a stupid holiday. I'm not even going this year. No, no, no, no, no. The only stupid holidays are the ones where you still have to go to school. Like Valentine's Day, or St. Patrick's Day, or my birthday. Come on, I really want to meet your parents. Oh, look. Magazines. When did they put those there? I have a feeling that you don't want me to meet them. Of course I want you to meet them. It's just that the family feast is no place to get to know my parents. It's messy and it's loud and my cousins have fleas. OK, well then, bring your parents to the Sub Station. I mean, we still have fleas, but at least it's quieter. Oh, I have a feeling you're not gonna take "no" for an answer. If more people got that about me, life would be so much easier for them. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go tyour head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems OK, that's it, Jerry. We've cleared out - all the leftovers. - Great. OK, Max. Come and get my "End of the Week" breakfast scramble. Dad, I didn't even like the food the first time around. Why do we have to have it again? - Is that a sparerib? - Ah! I already called it. Shouldn't a breakfast scramble at least have an egg in it? Fine, I'll put an egg in it. Technically, it's not a leftover, but the ones we have are pretty old. Put my stomach in a good mood, make this taste like kid food. OK, Max, go get your brother. We have to eat this while it's hot. Otherwise, it'll get cold and your Dad will put whipped cream on it and make us eat it for dessert. Mmm. This is delicious. Grab me a plate. Mmm! It is delicious. Forget the plate. Get me a Jerry-sized spoon. Where's breakfast? I hear there's an egg in it. Egg. I got the egg, I got the egg! Hey, that's my egg! No fair, I saw it first. My egg! - Max! - Don't touch me. What is going on? Why are Mom and Dad acting like a bunch of four-year-olds? Justin, I have no idea. I mean, it couldn't have had anything to do with the kid food spell I put in their breakfast. Cooties! Cooties! Oh, come on. Kissy, kiss, kiss, kiss. You think it had nothing to do with the spell? - Nah. - Really? Well, now that you asked me twice, I'm getting my suspicions. Just one little kiss. Well, looks like I'm gonna have to fix this mess. Just likalways. No, you don't. I'm the one who's gonna be the family wizard, not you. OK, family wizard, fine. Good luck with it. Ew, ew, ew! I'm gonna kiss you! One little kiss. Max did it. What? Dude, I swear it wasn't me. I was talking to you the whole time. You saw me, right? OK, there she is. Now remember, you're my parents, Grant and Linda. You're both British, you were a ballerina, and you were a fighter pilot in the Royal Navy. Yay, you're here! Alex, allow me to introduce my mother and father. Hi, it's very nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Greybeck. I can see where Mason gets his last name. Oh, my, Mason. Is this the lovely lass of whom - you've been speaking about? - Top o' the mornin' to ya. "Top o' the mornin'"? I didn't know that was a British saying. Uh, correct. It's Irish. When I was a kid, we lived in Dublin. Right, you have all the backstory. Time to go. No, no, no, wait! Wait, no. Please tell me about when Mason was a kid. - Have a seat. - Oh, uh Well when he was a lad, he was, uh small and, uh young. Oh! It really hit me how young he was. Isn't that right, Grant? Yeah. He was way younger than us. Always has been. Why do you sound American all of a sudden? I was a fighter pilot in the Royal Navy. And I was a ballerina. Well, then, I'm glad everyone met. Let's go, Mommy and Daddy. Oh, hey, Bill and Molly. Why are you calling Mason's parents Bill and Molly? - Well, this should be good. - They're not his parents. They work at the craft store down the street. You know, that one you call, "Harper, hurry up!" What's going on here, Mason? I didn't want you to meet my real parents, so I paid Bill and Molly to pretend to be my parents. Uh, not yet, you didn't. You guys were terrible. I'm not paying you. Yeah, you were pretty bad. Let's go. Like he believed you were a ballerina. Hey, that wasn't my idea. I can't believe you'd lie like that. I know, I'm sorry. It's just that my parents are always very judgmental of my girlfriends. They've never liked any of them. OK, well, that's no excuse for faking your parents. It's not my fault you dated a bunch of losers until you met me. Alex, I panicked. I'm sorry. Well, sorry isn't good enough. You are taking me to the Autumn Moon Feast so your parents can see I'm the best girlfriend ever. This is you. You look like throw up. Justin, good news. I found a spell I think is gonna work. It's the first thing in the book. The "Table Contents." "Table of Contents" is not a spell. Will you just admit you need my help? I can fix this with just one wave of the wand. Please, I got this all under control. Ah! Yummy cookies bring lots of cheers, gobble 'em up and add some years. Who wants cookies? - Cookies! - Cookie, cookie! Mmm! What are you guys staring at? Do I have a zit? Ew. I'm gonna change my status to say "not with her." Oh, don't break up with me. I love you so much! I love you too, babe. We're back together. Teenagers. Yep, you're getting closer. Out of all the caves in the world, your parents choose the one in a sewer? It's under Manhattan. It's worth a fortune. Well, this is my parents' cave. Those are my parents over there. - Oh. - Hello, Son. Ah! And you must be Alex. Ah. - So nice to meet you. - Ah! - She smells clean. - Yes. - Thank you. - It's not a compliment. - Clearly, she's a bather. - Oh. Well, don't worry. We'll find you something to roll around in. And you smell dreadful. I did fall in the sewer on the way down, so - Nice touch. - Hi, I'm Harper. Very nice to meet you, Harper. That is quite a creative ensemble. I believe I recognize a fellow crafter when I see one, eh? Well, look at that, you totally hit it off. We should get going. This has been a lovely feast. And there's the moon. All done. Nonsense, Mason. This is the Autumn Moon Feast. I have been crafting all week for this celebration. - Would you like a tour? - Definitely. Good, let's go. Your mother is so awesome. See, Mason? We can't leave. This is your parents' chance to really get to know me. Absolutely. So, Alex, why don't you and your friend wolf up like Mason here so we can get this party started, eh, what? "Wolf up"? You told them I'm a werewolf? Hmm. Yeah, see, I might have mentioned that. Oh, look, they're serving chipmunks and dip. Mason, why would you tell your parents I'm a werewolf? - You just keep lying. - I know. I'm sorry. The truth is my parents only want me to date werewolf girls. OK, but you're not dating a werewolf girl. You're dating a smooth-skinned wizard. Wouldn't it be easier if you just told them the truth? Unless you're ashamed of me. Of course, I'm not ashamed of you. But they won't understand. Please, just go with it. Use a spell to turn yourself into a werewolf. So, you want me to pretend to be someone I'm not, instead of just telling them I'm a wizard. See how easy that sounded? OK. If this is how you want it to be. Thank you, darling. Alex, OK. This place is everything I hoped it would be. Who knew that a simple, red-headed girl born backstage at a nightclub in Nebraska, could have so much in common with a family of polite British werewolves? Mason told his parents I'm a werewolf. He lied again? Well, what are you gonna do about it? If Mason wants a werewolf, I'm gonna give him the best werewolf ever. Give us hair and fur, and big ol' teeth, for sure. Oh, great. The sideburns I never wanted. Dad, that's my shirt. Not anymore. You teenagers are surprisingly cruel. - Justin, I need your help. - Wait. Need my help? The next all-powerful Russo family wizard is admitting defeat? I'm confused here. That's exactly right. See, you're not confused at all. All right. Fine, I'll help. It's actually a very simple spell. I just gotta find my wand It's somewhere around here. It's fine, you can just use mine. All right. Mine's gone, too. Mom? Dad. What did you do with our wands? I don't know. What did you do with our freedom? Yeah. I can't wait to get a job and move out of here. OK. And that was our traditional Autumn Moon Feast song, with a little extra chorus from Alex. Thank you. Thank you very much. Alex, sweetheart. No need to overdo it with the werewolf stuff. Oh, I'm sorry, do you want me to stop? Because I can take my wand out right here, and un-werewolf myself in front of everybody. No, no, werewolf on. And now, it's time for our favorite ritual, "Find the Squeaky Bone." Whoever finds it, gets to squeak it. Don't tell anyone, dear, all right, but this year as an added bonus, I marinated the squeaky bone all day in reindeer guts. It's ever so festive. All right. Everyone ready? Let's Find that bone! I bet it's in here. - Nope, I was wrong. - Alex, take it easy. Actually, I knew it wasn't in there. Ooh! Maybe it's in the feast. Well, now you're not even looking. Well, of course I am! Just using my werewolf senses. Oh! There it is! Found it! Alex, my love, what are you doing? You're embarrassing me in front of my family. Oh, so you're embarrassed if I am a werewolf, and you're embarrassed if I'm not. What would you like me to be for you, Mason? Mom, Dad. You need to tell me where you put our wands. - Turn that off. - Hey! This generation of teenagers is mindless. Max! Where have you been? We are in the middle of a teenage wasteland! Oh. Hey, Jer, there's a party tonight at Talia's. - You want to go? - Nah, she's lame. - Hey, that's my girlfriend. - Yeah. That's why she's lame. Let's go anyway. Listen to me. No one is going anywhere. You two are grounded. You hear me? Listen to me. No one is going anywhere. You two are grounded. You hear me? I'll tell you guys what, OK? I'll make you a deal. Huh? You give me the wands, and uh I'll let you go to the party tonight. Huh? Do we have a deal? - Fine. - Whatever. Thank you. In the back pocket. In the couch. - We didn't look very good. - Unbelievable. All right, quick, do the spell. Eat-sa, Eat-sa, magic pizza. Change 'em back from head to feetsa. Hey, guys, why don't you come over here and grab a slice of pizza before you go? - Oh. - Cool. - Sure, thanks. - Yeah, chow down. - Mmm. - Mmm. What is this mess?! I don't know. But I'm pretty sure it has something to do with those two teenagers. Boys, clean this up. Ah. They grow up so fast. - Come on, go on then. - Come on, girl! - She won't bite. - Leave it! Leave it! - Leave it! - Alex, give the bone back. There's a good girl. - Good girl. - Mason You never told us Alex was like this. Like what? Really inappropriate and awful? I'm sorry, Mason, I did what you wanted, and it looks like it didn't work out. Alex. What are you talking about? You've been a wonderful addition to the Autumn Moon Feast. - What? - Well, you embody everything to which us werewolves should aspire. Vigor, enthusiasm. Werewolve-withall! Darling. In fact, we would like to present this year's "Horn of Plenty Award" to the Werewolf of the Feast, Alex Russo! Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Well done! As a matter of fact, Harper, why don't you do the honors? - No. I'm OK. - This is my masterpiece. This entire thing is made out of dried sheep intestines. If you wanted to have a little nibble, no one would blame you. Try, go ahead. All right. That is That is it! You call this crafting, I call it sick. You're all sick, you people are sick! Sick! - Did you hear that, Grant? - Yeah. - She called my craft "sick." - Ah. But you know, that's what the young people say these days - when they mean "good." - Oh. Sick. Yes! Here, dear. - Sick. - Yes! - Sick. - We're terribly sick. Alex, you did it. They love you. I knew you could pull it off. Also, you have some badger meat left in your hair. Mason, I want to go home. No, stay. It worked out so well. Yeah, it worked out for you. I was the perfect werewolf for you and your family, and now they have no idea who I really am. Which seems to be how you want it, so you were right, I shouldn't have come. Alex, wait. There's nothing left to say, Mason. No, there is. I want everybody to listen. Alex Russo is not a werewolf. I only said she's a werewolf because I know that's what you wanted to hear. And I was wrong to do that. Alex is a wizard. And I love her with all my heart. Yes, it's very shocking. We get it. Alex, please Show them who you really are. And as you can see, she's a wonderful wizard that I can't live without. I hope you can all accept us. Mason Darling, do you mean to say that you told your girlfriend to pretend to be a werewolf because of us? Yes, I did. You've always been so judgmental about me dating anyone other than a werewolf. That's because it's easier to date a werewolf, Son. Nobody understands werewolves like other werewolves. - No. - You're wrong. Alex understands me better than anybody. Well, then, darling If you're happy, we're happy. Really? No. We're going to eat her. What? Well, she destroyed all the food prepared for the feast. She's kind of left us no choice, Son. - Really. - We're starving. Go! And then he said *The nuts are complimentary*. Alex, what's going on? Oh, well, since your real parents want to eat me, I thought it'd be best if I get to know your fake parents. So, you were saying? Boy, has he dated some real dogs. I love your fake parents.

{title:Wizards vs. Asteroid} You got a new locker, Harper? I had to, since you had mine refrigerated for your beverages. Oh, good, and this one can be a freezer for my ice cream. - You're the best, Harper. - I guess it doesn't matter, Because we graduate this week anyway. I'm kind of excited. You may be stuck in this corral. A bit longer than you think, Ms. Russo. You do not have enough credits to graduate. What?! But I sned up for every class I had to, Even the one where you sit around all day doing nothing. That's detention. Which means You will not be graduating! Take that, Ms. Russo! Ah! And to make sure there's no funny business, I'm going to keep all of the records. Right here in my new, alex-proof safe. Some students may have to do without desks next year, But I still say it was money well spent. everything is not what it seems well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze that the end will no doubt justify the means you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease yes, please but you might find out it'll go to your head when you write a report on a book you never read with the snap of your fingers you can make your bed that's what I said everything is not what it seems when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams you might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems be careful not to mess with the balance of things because everything is not what it seems This just in: NASA has been tracking an enormous asteroid, Hurtling through space, which has suddenly switched directions And is now on a collision course with earth. NASA is speculating impact as soon as this evening. We are all in great peril. Jerry, what is she saying? Don't they have a plan to save us? I hope so. Ma, did you see me? Did you see me on tv? I was the one yelling, "hi, mom," in the background. I'm sorry I didn't say but "hi, mom" is usually. What those idiots in the background always say. - Did you guys hear about the asteroid? - Yes, it's terrible! Yeah, you would think. Earth isn't gonna be destroyed. We've been tracking the asteroid for years, and according to our calculations, It only looks like it's gonna hit the earth. You see, due to the curvature of earth's orbit, its gravitational repulsion, And a bunch of other stuff you have no hope in understanding, My calculations clearly state the asteroid will pass by harmlessly. Are you sure? Because that's not what the nasas are saying. Yes, we're very sure. We've done the math. Why's that decimal point sticking out? 'cause it's a chocolate chip. You guys make math fun. Zeke, we have a "no snacking while we're asteroid tracking" rule! Oh, no. This means NASA was right. It's the end of the world! Oh, my gosh. It's gonna be ok, honey. Is there anything in the emergency handbook that could help us? Yep, it's right here in the thumb. "in the event earth is destroyed, wizards and their immediate family. Are welcome to escape through the portal and live out their lives in the wizard world." What about me and Zeke? I'm not leaving Harper behind, Justin. We don't have to. It's right here on the back of the hand. "each wizard is permitted to bring. One non-wizard with them to safety in the wizard world." I'm bringing my new pet starfish. He's got a missing leg. Don't stare at it. He's very self conscious. Aren't you, four-leggy? You can come with me, Harper. Oh, thank you! And even though you weren't able to graduate. From our school, maybe you can graduate in the wizard world. I'm sorry, Harper, did you just say something about graduation? Oh, Zeke can go with Justin! Yay! Yes! I'm going to live! All my hopes and dreams can continue! I'm gonna introduce clogging to the wizard world! Yes! All right, does everyone have their one allotted duffel bag. Packed with items crucial to your survival in the wizard world? Yep, and I totally beat the system, Because I'm taking a bag of bags. Somebody's bag smells like smoked Turkey. Dad, you're bringing a duffel bag full of cold cuts? We're not going to the movies. I paid for this meat. I'm not gonna let some asteroid gobble it up. Your mother's bag is full of mustard, lettuce, tomatoes and onions. Uh, sorry, Jerry. I opted for the irreplaceable photos of our children, instead! Am I the only one with my head screwed on straight around here? Hey, I am bringing a tv and a big bag of pretzels. Nothing in my life is going to change. Ok, so clearly no one brought anything useful. When you need shampoo and shoelaces, don't come crying to me. More breaking news. NASA has just hit the asteroid. With their deep space asteroid Buster missile. Unfortunately, the asteroid missile malfunctioned and has not detonated. Oh, no! We apologize if you said "yay" before I could finish this update. Earth, as we know it, will soon cease to exist. Well I mean, I guess that's it. We have to go. I'm gonna miss this place. Let's go. Really? We're just gonna leave like this? What are you doing? We can't just walk out on a world of people. Who are about to be destroyed. Sure, they're not all people we like. For me, Mr. Laritate comes to mind. And most of them don't like us. Again, Mr. Laritate comes to mind, but - They are still people! - Honey There are some times when your family has to come first. Look, I promise you, when you're a parent, you'll understand. Yes, mija. This portal is our only hope. I can't believe I'm begging to go to that freak show of a wizard world. Well, I'm not going anywhere until I at least try to stop the asteroid. I mean, we have powers, people. Let's use them. Juin, Max, are you with me? I'm not gonna let you get all the credit for saving the world again. So yes, I'm in. I'm in too, as long as we don't take too long, though, 'cause there is an asteroid on the way. Ok, then, it's settled. The fate of the world is in our hands. Well, the only thing we can do to stop the asteroid is take a space shuttle up there, Find the malfunctioning NASA missile, and blow it up ourselves. Why can't you just flash up there? Zeke, the asteroid is moving faster than the speed of magic. Of course! Dumb, dumb, dumb! Ok, so where are we going to get a space shuttle? Why did you glance at your bag? I don't even know where my bag is. I didn't. Why are you trying to kick it under the table? What? I didn't Oh, there it is! Come on! I just got a brand-new Captain Jim Bob Sherwood. Country cow submarine to replace the one we lost in Mason's stomach acid. What? A submarine? That's not gonna get us to space. No, but the country cow space shuttle conversion Kit will. Really? Slow motion? We're kind of in a hurry here. Oh, come on, it was pretty cool though, right? Out of my way, cattle. No offense. I just said that because you're all dressed like cattle. Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? I'm on a mission. If the unthinkable indeed happens, I want to make sure that I'm surrounded by the things that I love. Oh, are you going to be with your parents, Mr. Laritate? No! I don't want to spend my last few hours on earth. Listening to my mom and dad yelling at me, "get a haircut, hippie!" No, I'll be at school, sitting in my beloved cowhide chair Until the end. Are you ok, Mr. Laritate? Yeah. I'm just thinking how much I'm gonna miss. Watching you struggle to graduate for the second time. Jerry, did he just say something about Alex not graduating? Look, our spaceship is set up! Ok I'm not going to say goodbye, Because I know you're coming back. Well, I guess this is goodbye, old friend. You and I both know you're not gonna make it back. Well We don't have to say goodbye, Because you're coming with! Whoa! Your leg grew back! Now I can finally do this. There's a new sheriff in town. Be careful up there. I love you guys. I'm really proud of you guys. Thank you. All right. Here we go. Proton, neutron, get gone. All right, there it is. Now all we have to do is carefully land, Find the asteroid Buster missile, figure out why it didn't detonate, Get it to detonate, get back into the ship, blast off, And get away before the asteroid explodes. Got it? Got it. Now, what did you say after "there it is?" Um Justin? Why is that asteroid coming right at us? It's not. We don't have to worry about that. I'm plotting a safe course with a very safe It's coming right at us! Wait, wait! We're landing! What just happened? The space shuttle conversion Kit comes with autopilot. Well, let's just say I did it. Yeah, we're not gonna do that. That's the story I'm going with. All right, everyone remember, We're hurtling through space towards earth at an astronomical speed. Why, thank you, Justin. These are helmets, not blindfolds. All right, we have to find that missile. We might not have enough time to find it, but we have to try our hardest. How? There's nothing here but rocks and upside-down rockets. Max, that's it! Ok, ok. All right, the missile got stuck on t-minus nine minutes and 33 seconds. I just have to enter the correct security code to engage the manual override. And set it to self destruct. - Well, can you do it? - Of course. I just have to find the right combination of this five digit security code. By my calculations, there are One One hundred thousand possible ways. Not to worry, I'll crack the code open with this. Max! Max, that's highly explosive! Right! Right, right. All right, guys, there's not enough time to try all the possible combinations. We're doomed. We just need to get home. And get to the wizard world if we still have enough time. Wait One, two, three, four, five. Alex, that'll never work. Code correct. Wow, even I didn't think that was gonna work. This missile will self destruct In nine minutes and 33 seconds. We gotta get out of here! Justin, what are you doing? I'm just taking a memento to prove I was here when I saved the world. Nine minutes till self destruct. Ok, we get it. We're leaving. That thing sounds like mom when we're late for school. Justin, let's go! Oh, no, guys, I can't move! My leg is stuck! Help me! Ha! I did it! I got it out! That is the wrong leg, you idiot! Really? 'Cause you're the one who stopped for a souvenir. On a flaming asteroid! Eight minutes Jerry, I'm worried about our kids. Do you think they'll be ok? I believe in them, Theresa. The only thing that worries me. Is that they're traveling thousands of miles an hour in a Toy spacecraft. One minute 30 seconds until self destruct. It's useless. We're getting closer and closer to earth. You guys have to leave without me. What?! No, Justin, we're not leaving without you! Well, if you don't go, then we're all gonna You know! No! Bro, leaving you is not an option. I just wish there was some way you could break off that leg. And grow a new one, like my starfish did. That's it! Wait a minute, you can't just turn me into a Animoza, espinoza starfish! Ok, this might hurt just a little bit. Alex, you did it! His leg grew back! Huminoza espinoza! - Ow, it did hurt! - It worked! Detonation in ten, nine, eight Seven, six, five Four, three, two, one. Bye-bye. I just received word from NASA. That the asteroid buster missile worked! The asteroid just exploded and the world is saved! Yes! But They're still not back yet. You don't think they I don't know. Oh, no. Alex. Hey What's up with all the sad faces? That asteroid will think twice before coming around here again. - Nice work, kids. - I was so scared for you! I believed in you the whole time! I even had a sandwich. I always knew you could do it, Justin. No, you didn't. No, I didn't, but that's in the past. - Come on, buddy! Give me a hug! - No. - Come on! - No! - Come on! - No! - Come on! - All right. Oh, mija! Now what is this I hear about you not graduating? Look, another news update! NASA is reporting that a small piece of the asteroid. Will still hit earth. Its impact is projected to be Somewhere in the tribeca neighborhood of Manhattan. Mr. Laritate is still at Tribeca prep. We have to get him out of there. I just can't stop saving people, can I? Mr. Laritate, are you ok? Yes, I'm fine. But the safe isn't! Are the records destroyed? Yes, all of them. Gone in a blinding flash. I don't know how you managed to do it, But you've bested me again, Russo. What? You can't really think I had anything to do with this, Mr. Laritate. This is the nasas' fault. Unfortunately, I neglected to back up the records on a computer. I've never trusted those newfangled thinking machines. Wow. No backup of the records? I wonder what the school board's gonna say when they find out? Where are you going with this, Russo? Yeah, where are you going with this, Russo? Oh, I think you know. I'm just saying I don't want you to get in trouble, So I will help you recreate the records. I remember having all passing grades. And near perfect attendance. First I get hit by an asteroid, and now this? I can't get a break today. All right, Russo. Due to our recently condemned school building, There will be no ceremony. So consider yourself graduated. Congratulations. Alex, this is so great! We get to go to college together! Oh Come on, Harper. You know we're not gonna get into the same college. My grades are way better than yours now. - Hey, Mr. Laritate. - What are you doing here? I told you there'll be no graduation ceremony. I know, but My dream was to one day have you look me in the eye. And hand me my diploma. And I'm getting that. - That's your dream? - Yes. Even your dreams are underachievers. Still, I'm touched. Ok, here are some diplomas I made for us. Now, you're gonna call our names, and we'll come up one by one Yeah, yeah, I know how it goes, Ms. Finkle. - Oh - Wait, wait, wait! Harper finkle. Alex Russo. I present the Tribeca prep class of 2011.

{title:Justin's Back In} And that's how a unicorn can help you roast mash mallow. Well, class, that completes your final delinquent course lesson. Time to start the review. Open to page one. We gotta go over the whole thing? Yeah, we do. Professor Crumbs is sending a teacher's assistant here to take us to the Hall of Wizards to help us review. I hope it's not a pretty lady, 'cause all they want to do is pinch my cheeks. Wizzy! Wizzy! Wizzy! Oy! Oy! Oy! You are my people. And you are still so cute. See? Pretty lady. Alex, you're no longer in this class. We're waiting on a new teacher's assistant from WizTech, so please leave. I don't want you to be here all, "Hey, how's it goin'? Cute shoes, by the way." I mean, you are right about one thing. Your new TA does have cute shoes. No! Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner! I'm your new T.A.! Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Oh, hi, Harper. Hi. Oh, hey, Alex. Do you remember making this in kindergarten? Nope. Exactly, 'cause you didn't. I made it so the teacher wouldn't know you ditched. Oh, yeah, we got that system down pretty early, didn't we? Oh, yeah, we did. Why would you keep all this stuff? It's for my scrapbook of childhood memories. Now that we've graduated, the last page with my diploma. Oh, man! That wasn't the last page. There's one more page left. What do I do? Here. This is the cover of the magazine you read the day you finished your scrapbook. Aw, thanks. Hey, scrapbooks are a great idea. Can't wait to look back on the time I, uh I left the water running in the bathtub. Wait, that's right now. Do we have scrapbooks for the kids? Well, sort of. I've got all their artwork and achievements in those boxes in the hallway. The ones that are labeled "Alex," "Justin" and "Max." Oh, I thought those were suggestion boxes. I've been putting complaints in there about the kids for years. No wonder no one's changed. So that's why Dad stopped complaining to our faces. Here are the kids' memory boxes. And they're a lot lighter, now that I've taken the complaints out of 'em. Look! Justin's "I learned how to crawl" certificate that he printed for himself. How do you know he printed it? Because, here's his "I learned how to use a printer" certificate. Oh, here's my award for "Most Absences." Oh! Honey, that's that's not an award, that's an angry letter from a teacher. Well, it says "Most", so I'm calling it an award. Uh-oh. Max only has one thing. It's a receipt for three boxes at a $1.99 each. You paid a $1.99 for these? What's wrong with a paper bag? Well, I guess with each kid I saved less stuff. So, you didn't save any memories for Max? - Art projects? - They're so messy. Grades? Nobody wants to remember those. His birth certificate? You've seen him. What more proof do you need? I think Harper's right, Jerry. We're horrible parents for not saving any of Max's memories. You know, if you want to be good parents, you could start by taking us to a real doctor instead of posting symptoms on the Internet and asking people what they think. Well, what are we gonna do, Theresa? I mean, it's not like we can recreate all of Max's work from over the years. Or can we? Ah, Hall of Wizards. Now, take a look around. This place is full of relics that will help you review. Yeah, but look at all this stuff in here. We'll never be ready. We're doomed! Justin, we're fine. That's why I'm here. OK. Can anybody tell me what this is? Ooh, that's the famous Waterfall of Wikkenberry. Correct. You can drink as much of this water as you want, and you never have to pee. My mom makes me drink it on long flying carpet trips. Not bad, huh, Justin? OK, yeah, but there's still a lot of stuff in here to know. Whoa, look, guys. It's the famous "Wand in the Crystal Ball." This is the most powerful wand in the Wizard World. It once belonged to the Great Wizard Renaldi until a jealous warlock stole it, and plunged it into this crystal ball. Legend states it can only be removed by a descendent of Renaldi. Wow, Felix. You really know your stuff. Thanks, I like your stuff, too. I mean I don't know what I mean, I'm sorry. I'm not the descendent. I'm still just the son of a wizard plumber. 'Cause you're so cute. The legend also states that there are no known descendents of Renaldi. So there's no point in trying. Hello, class. Welcome to the Hall of Wizards for your review. Professor Crumbs. Good to see you. Question. Did you give your beard a Brazilian blowout? 'Cause it looks silky and smooth. It does, doesn't it? This is Cragmont. When the time comes, he will administer the test that will show how much Wizard World knowledge you have acquired. - Hmm. - Uh-huh. Yes, well, I'm not only the administrator of the test, but I'm also the Wizard World historian. How many of you know that the oldest relic in this room is Well, actually, it's Crumbs. It's true. And I've dated some of the relics in this room. - Hello, Ida. - Uh-huh. Justin, you've done an extraordinary job with these delinquents and I'm confident that they will pass with flying colors. Uh-huh. So, you're Justin Russo. Yes, well Professor Crumbs has told me that you're extraordinary. Yes, as a matter of fact, it's extraordinary how many times he's told me you're extraordinary. I have great hopes for you, Justin. Someday your statue will be here among the statues of the famous members of the Wizard Council. A statue? Really? I'd want to do something a little more animated than these ones though. I'm thinking this. Or, I got one of these, right here. Well, any of those would be extraordinary. Huh. I love the way he does that "extraordinary." That's good. Yeah, yeah. Well, you may be extraordinary, but, of course, the proof is in the pudding. Incidentally, after you take your test, you get pudding. Actually, I think they're ready for the test. Why don't you just give it to them now? No, no, no. They're actually not ready. We need more time. Justin, they know everything. The sooner they get back into WizTech, the sooner you get bk in the competition. Well, maybe, but are you just saying that because you want pudding? Yes, I want pudding, I always want pudding, but no, seriously, they're ready. Stop it! Stop it, stop it! With the "I want, I don't want" Are you going to take the test, yes or no? I have pudding to make. Uh Yes. Say yes. - Yes. - Ah, good. Let's go before Mr. Extraordinary here changes his mind. Now, you four, sit in the chairs there. All right, and then, uh What we're going to do is, we're gonna take these hairstyling machines, and then we're going to scan their brains, then we'll know what they know. I hope they're ready to take this test. Of course they're ready. Look, all the lights are blinking, that must mean they know a lot of stuff. Well, uh, uh That completes our totally unnecessary light show. So, uh, let's get on with the test. OK, so far we've got. Max's third grade citizenship award, his fifth grade Eskimo diorama, and a spelling test from second grade, where he spelled his name mostly right. Hey. What's going on? Uh Max, you're home early. We, uh we can explain everything. I hope so, Dad. 'Cause if Harper's having a fun arts and crafts class you should have invited me. Well, yeah, I mean Mr. and Mrs. Russo. I told you to invite Max. You must've forgotten. Oh, that's right. Oh, it's But it's not too late for Max to join us, is it, Harper? No, no. Not at all! Come on, Max. Let's build an ice cream-stick house together. Oh, you mean like I used to do at summer camp? - Exactly! - Yes! Did he go to summer camp? Oh. Must've been that summer we thought he slept for a week. I'm thinking I need to take a test every Saturday night. My hair's never had so much volume and shine. Now I have a good place to keep my wand. I'm sorry I was so nervous about you guys taking the test, but I think it went well. I feel good about it. Or do I? - Yes, you do. - Right. Ah, Professor Crumbs. There you are. Lay the good news on us. The class failed miserably. Yay! Wait, what? Professor Crumbs, that's impossible. Are you sure? Wait, wait. I reviewed with them. They knew everything. They couldn't have all failed. There has to be something wrong with the brain scanners. Not possible. Just look at their hair. Such great volume and shine. I knew they weren't ready. I'm sorry. The delinquents will not be readmitted back to WizTech. And you are still ineligible for your family's wizard competition. It's a shame, Justin. You're not as extraordinary as I thought. Professor Crumbs! I'm so sorry, Justin. I really thought they were gonna pass. We're sorry, Mr. Justin. Don't apologize, Felix. I know what happened. Alex. You pushed the class to be evaluated before they were ready so you could be sure that I wouldn't get back into the wizard competition. What? You can't possibly be blaming me for them failing. Would you cut the act? You got what you wanted. No, this doesn't make any sense. I can understand if one or two failed, no offense back row. But everyone? What's it matter? You ruined it, Alex. Just get outta here. Fine. But I'm gonna figure out what happened. Hello? Cragmont? Anybody there? I had to try. Hello? OK, if I were test results, where would I be? Oh, wait, what am I doing? There's no one here. OK, here it is. "Russo class test results." Oh, my gosh! I knew it! You've reached the wandmail of Justin Vincenzo Pepe Russo! Please leave a message after the beep. Justin, it's me. I found the delinquents' test results. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! What are you doing with those, huh?! - Give me back my wand! - Huh? What are you up to, Cragmont? This says that they passed but you reported to Crumbs they failed. I think that you've made a mistake. Mistake? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No. On purpose. Yes. The only mistake I made around here was waiting for that Professor Crumbs to make me a member of the Wizard Council. That's the only mistake. Uh-huh. What does this have to do with Justin's class? Justin. Oh. I'm tired of hearing about Justin, and all those other "extraordinary" young wizards. They're getting all the praise from Professor Crumbs that should be going to me, me, me. Oh, I wish there were an echo in here. That would have been really dramatic, wouldn't it? All right. That was a little kooky, so I'm just gonna get outta here. H2 Russo! Hey, what are you doing? Let me out of here. Never! Told you it would be more dramatic with an echo, didn't I? Make a note of that. Thanks for helping us with all this. I think it's going pretty well. Yeah. Now we just need him to believe he made all this stuff when he was a kid. Guys, check it out. Hand turkey! Oh! Very good! Max, that looks exactly like the one you made in second grade. I know. Except my hand was a little smaller. Um, actually, it wasn't. See, all the Russo boys were born with full-size hands. Yeah. Some people are born with big heads. But Russes are born with big hands. Really? Yes! Your teachers, they used to call you "Big Hand Max." Oh, right. Now I remember. OK, Big Hand Max. Yeah, that's probably why I was so good at peek-a-boo, huh? Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! I got ya, I got ya! We're gonna be just fine. Yeah. We're sorry we let you down, Mr. Justin. No, no, no. I let you guys down. You're right. You let us down. That's enough out of you, Nelvis. Wand message. It's from Alex. Justin, it's me. I found the delinquents' test results. What are you doing with those?! Give me back my wand! That sounded like she was with Cragmont. I think she's in trouble. We gotta help her. Whoa, wh, whoa! Help her? Have you forgotten how she let us down last time? Mr. Justin, she is still your sister. And she's pretty and she talks to me. I don't care, I'm not helping her. Yes, you are. Felix! Felix, put me down! You put me down, Felix! Right now! That's an order! Felix! Felix, put me down! Justin! Oh, there you are. Where? Where is she? Turn me around. Alex! How did you get in there? - Felix, put him down. - Whoa. Cragmont put me in here when I found the test results. All the delinquents passed! What?! She said they all passed. Then why did you tell Professor Crumbs they all failed? Surprise! I'm evil. Ha, ha! I may not look it, but boy, you get me steamed I'm pretty evil. Come on, come on. You need to let Alex out of there, and tell Professor Crumbs that all of my delinquents passed. Or else. Or else what? People don't usually ask me that. Uh-huh. Well, Professor Crumbs said that one day you'd end up in the museum as a statue, and I guess today is that day. So, rock, rock 'till you drop. Guys, guys! I can't move, help me! Let's stop the spell! That's gonna be difficult without your wands. Justin's turning into stone! Well, who's next to join the Hall of Wizards as a statue? Well, how about you, little fella? You'd look awfully good on my lawn. I still see you. Somebody do something! Oh, boy. This is not good. Felix, it's you. What are you waiting for? Use that thing! - Felix, you did it! - Nice wand work! Thunder has rung throughout the Wizard World. Who removed the wand from the crystal ball? It was Felix. So You're the long lost descendant of the Great Wizard Renaldi. Check it out. Professor Crumbs bowed to me. This is so awesome! Oh, great. Another guy to call extraordinary. Oh, boy. Professor Crumbs, Cragmont lied about them failing their final evaluations. My class passed, Professor Crumbs. I see. I was hoping Cragmont would rise above his resentment, but it seems it cannot be. Perhaps it's time for a change. Oh, come on. For crying out loud, Crumbs. Lighten up a little bit, huh? Let's admit it, gang. We had a little bit of fun here today, didn't we? Let's call it a day. I'll see ya. Cragmont! You're not going anywhere. You're staying here where you can be useful, as a wizard history book. Ouch! Congratulations, Justin Russo. You have successfully guided your young group back to WizTech. Oh, man! Thank you, Mr. Justin. I mean, you changed our lives forever. Especially mine. I mean, now that I know I'm a Renaldi, I should have no trouble getting girls. Oh, Felix. And for your excellent teaching, I am proud to announce that you are officially back in your family wizard competition. Well, uh Thank you for the help. I probably couldn't have gotten back in without you. Well, the competition wouldn't be any fun without you. In that case, are you ready to lose? Oh, bring it on. I guess this is it, Mr. Justin. How about we carry you out, for old time's sake, huh? That does not sound fun in the slightest - Whoa! Come on! - Too late. Wizzy! Wizzy! Wizzy! Oy! Oy! Oy! Hey, kids. Congratulations on all of you getting back into the wizard competition. We have gifts for you. We made scrapbooks to celebrate your childhood memories. Aww. Everything that you've ever yelled at me about in one convenient book. I'm so touched. Hey, look. It's a picture of me with poison ivy, and the online comments of all the strangers who misdiagnosed me. Aww, I love this scrapbook of all the things we did today. You knew? Well, since today was a complete waste, I'm just gonna take this cereal necklace for my scrapbook. Max, you knew we were trying to recreate your memories from childhood? Well, I didn't know at first, but after you guys made up that whole "Big Hand Max" story, it became pretty clear. I thought it was really nice of you guys. So, you're not mad that we didn't save any of your memories? How could I be mad? I saved everything on the top bunk of my bed. Look. You guys didn't know? I've got everything from my first Little League trophy, to a collection of hair from all my haircuts. Spaceship pinata filled with my baby teeth. Why in the world would you save that? Because, they're all my favorite memories. Why do you have a jar full of water with a carrot and coal? That's my first snowman. Now that is a good memory. Wow, Max. You're raising us to be pretty good parents.

{title:Saving WizTech (1)} Oh, hi, alex. I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that you and dean broke the school record By dating two months, four days and three periods. Yep. I know. I saw your banner in the cafeteria. Thank you. Oh. You saw that? Then I guess I wore this "check out my banner" shirt for no reason. Hey, you should have told them where. "in the cafeteria." ok. Wow, harper. Sometimes I feel like you put more effort Into my relationship with dean than he does. I'm sorry. Are you creeped out? No. You haven't creeped me out for weeks. Oh, wait, here he comes. Hey, russo, I got a gift for my girlfriend. Oh, let me guess. Something you made in woodshop again? - I love how you know me. - Oh. Oh, look. It's a birdhouse. Or a mailbox. Wait, which one is it? Both. Oh, dean. These aren't really gifts. They're assignments. Just like all the other ones were. It's just It'd be nice if you gave me something more special. Well, this is my first b-minus. - It's pretty special to me. - Wait a minute. Is that a d turned into a b? Busted. * well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * that the end will no doubt justify the means * * you can fix any problem at the slightest ease * * yes, please * * well, you might find out it'll go to your head * * when you write a report on a book you never read * * with a snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * that's what I said * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * you might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * because everything is not what it seems * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * because everything is not * * what it seems * Ok, today's lesson will be on shape shifting. Mom, what are you doing here? Demonstrating shape shifting. Thank you, justin. Yeah, could we have a lesson on how to get your boyfriend to treat you more special? Do I need to shape shift back into your mom And give you one of her eye rolls and hip twists? No, wait. I can do it. - Work it, sister. - Ooh. Professor crumbs, to what do we owe this This honor? I need to ask a favor of your father. Unfortunately, wiztech has been completely infested with these. Ooh! A school full of wizards can't deal with those? Alex, if you had studied your wizardry, You would know plastic is impervious to even the most powerful magic of all. Because of the plastic ball infestation, We can't occupy the castle or teach magic. But removing plastic balls is a pricey proposition wiztech cannot afford. Well, why don't you sell some of those fancy words like "proposition" and "afford"? We need to figure out a way to get wizworld industry's Plastic ball removal specialists to help us. Plastic ball removal specialists? - yes. - Sounds dangerous. In the meantime, jerry, I was hoping you could house a few of the wiztech students, Just for the time being. - I don't see any problem with housing a few students. Hey, that's not a few. No taksies backsies. Wow. I barely fit through that door. Hugh, how many times do I have to tell you, you're not a giant. All right? I'm bigger than you. Well, my overnight bags beg to differ. - Hey, hugh. - Oh, hi, alex. This is my friend, ronald. Hello. Alex, I'm ronald longcape, junior. Ok. I'm alex russo, sophomore. I should be a junior but I don't test well. You gotta show up to not test well. - Oh, hi. Ronald, right? - Yes. Thanks for remembering. - I didn't really remember. That's why I was asking. But I did remember your order. Half of a chocolate shake and two onion rings. Wait, that's um That's not my order. That's from the table you just cleared. Who can keep any of that straight, right? - Wait, wait. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to take your order? No, I just want to keep talking to you. Oh. Oh, that's sweet. If I weren't working I would sit down and talk for a while. Oh, come on. You look like somebody Who's always looking for an excuse to get out of work. What? No, I am not. Here, let's discuss it. So, how's it going out here? It's a bunch of rambunctious teenagers with wizard powers. How do you think it's going? Sure, you're angry now. But I promise, in a year from now we're gonna laugh. Hey, let's start now. No. Ah, professor crumbs. Just the guy I'm looking for. While you're staying with us I got you a track suit just like mine - So you'll fit in. - Thanks. I'm an 850-year-old wizard. I think I know how to fit in. - It makes you look skinny. - Where's the dressing room? No need. Right, sweet. Now, when you walk the swishy sound makes static electricity. Go find someone to prank and shake their hand. Hey, justin, good to see you. Oh, professor Swishy pants. Gotcha. I'm glad you all think that's so funny. Now, what are we gonna do about the plastic ball infestation at wiztech? Oh, justin, don't worry. Everything will work itself out. - It sounds like you're doing nothing. - I'm learning to shock people With my pants. I'd hardly call that nothing. I didn't expect to see anybody here. Neither did I. You must be doing what I'm doing. Trying to figure out what's going on with wiztech And who cursed it. That's exactly what I'm doing! So, what have you found? Oh! You got me! Oh, you're one smart cookie, figuring out that I was the one who infested wiztech with plastic balls. You did this? Why? For a whole bunch of evil reasons. Here's my list. Color balls: Evil. Check. Taking over wiztech: Eviler. Check. Throwing the birthday party I never had Not so evil, but I'm doing it. And then what, are you gonna open up Like, a totally evil wizard school? I like that! After the birthday party. The only bummer is, my son isn't here. He got sent off with the wiztech students. - Who's your son? - I'm never gonna tell you. what's your name? Ronald longcape, senior. Is your son ronald longcape, junior? Are you a detective? - No, just a smart boy with a curious mind And the power to stop you. Spandau ballet tell me it's true Take this evil man you know what to do Aren't you forgetting something? If we weren't standing knee-deep in plastic balls I would use magic on you so bad. Don't go. I Um You! You! Ronald longcape, junior. I met your father and he's evil and my guess is, so are you. Ronald, have you met my brother, justin? It's ok, alex. Um He's right. My father is evil. - And you know what he's gonna do now that wiztech is vacant? He's gonna open up a totally evil wizard school. It's ok. Trust me. My father always thinks big but he can never deliver. And look, I'm telling you that. It's proof that I'm not evil. Oh, good enough for me. Justin, can we have a couple menus? Not good enough for me. The flame doesn't fall far from the inferno. If you knew your father was evil then why didn't you say anything, huh? Well, because I was afraid. I thought if people knew my father was evil, they'd treat me, well, Kinda like how you're treating me now. - Yeah, justin. You're being very rude. And what are your specials? We have the turkey pastrami on rye and a philly cheese steak. Now listen up! I'm gonna fix the problems your father created at wiztech And if you try and stop me I'm gonna know you're evil. Come on, ronald. I'm sure we can find a restaurant Where the wait staff won't call you evil! That was a really fancy restaurant. I mean, you got great food, you got great bowling. So, maybe we should go back there again on our next date. What? Oh, no, no. This wasn't a date. Please don't say "date" because I have a boyfriend and his name is dean. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a boyfriend. I haven't seen him around. Well, yeah, 'cause he's probably in shop class right now, Making me something that won't express his true feelings. Well, let's see how I do. * there's a rainbow up in heaven * * and that rainbow spells alex * * ronald really likes you, girl * Thank you for a wonderful day, alex. Alex, what was going on out there? Where's dean? That boy was well inside your "kiss or clobber" radius. Oh, um, him? No, no. That's just a family friend. He's visiting from wiz UhWisconsin, and he said that we were on a date. And I said, "no, because I have a boyfriend, dean." You do. - Who's not great at expressing feelings. - He's not. - Doesn't mean I don't like him. - You like him. - Then ronald left. - His name's ronald? - Yes, and I was just with him And now I kind of miss him. - You do? - I do. What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do. Study for my history final. My friend needs me. Yeah. Alex, you and dean just broke the longest relationship record. I don't know much about relationships, But I don't think dating another guy is the way to celebrate. I'm not dating ronald. We just went out to dinner. Well, it may have started out as dinner, But when you guys came back you're all, "I miss him, I love him, he's the love of my life." I never said he was the love of my life. I'm sending your story into a teen magazine for advice And if you don't let me juice it up they'll never publish it. You've got to break up with ronald. I can't break up with ronald. I'm not even going out with him. I see the problem. Ronald has to go away for a long, long time. I'm on it. Harper, forget that. Dean's gonna come over so I can tell him I made a mistake before he finds out from somebody else - And it becomes this whole big thing. - Ok, but if that doesn't work, I can still make ronald go away for a long, long time. What are you gonna do? Start making him really uncomfortable With some of my staring until he goes away. You know the stare. Stop it. You're uncomfortable, aren't you? Please, harper, stop. Oh, justin, honey, you'd really have an easier time in school If you just dressed like everybody else. Mom, please. I'm dressed for success. I'm gonna give the wizworld industry executives A tour of wiztech so I can convince them to remove the plastic balls. Great! Who's gonna cover your shift? Me. Hey, justin, where's your sister? She told me to come over so I made her this card in woodshop. I think I'm finally getting what she's trying to say, So I'm trying to say something I think she might get. I don't know. She was hanging out with some dude. Ronald. Whoa. Ronald? Yep. His name was definitely ronald. Thanks. Now, 'cause I date your sister I tell people not to laugh at you. But you're not helping me right now. I'm going on a business trip. We're gonna tell people you've got a court date. - All right. Tell those people I was defending you. Do you do that? 'cause I need someone. All you have to do now is prove there's no way I could throw that far. I didn't hear that. I can't be associated with this. Excuse me. Are you looking for alex? Who are you? I'm ronald longcape, junior. Dean moragardi. Supposed to be a junior but I'm a sophomore. I don't test well. Hey, hold on. Alex is off with a guy named ronald. - Are you him? - Um, I'm here with you. Ah-ha. Exactly. You get that I don't test well, right? Look, I think I know where alex is. - Why don't you come with me? - All right. Thanks. Hey, you're ok, ronald. Let me know if you see that other ronald. That guy's in big trouble. Will do. So, you say you don't test well? - Nah. now that you've seen our wonderful facility Don't you want to help us so that we can reopen it For wizards present and future? Now, are there any questions? Can we play in the balls now? You're the executives of wizworld industries. We're not here to play in the balls. We're here to see if your company will help us by removing them. Ok. We'll help you clean up the balls If you let us put up a couple of wizworld signs around here. You mean like when sports drinks sponsor sports arenas? Yeah, exactly like that. So, are we gonna play in these balls or what? Uh Well Then, yes. Sure, yes. - Whoo! - Yeah! So does this mean we're getting our school back? Yeah! Make way! Ow! Ow! This is unprofessional. Dean, I'm glad you came over. - Me, too. There's something I need to talk to you about. No, there's something I need to talk to you about. I wanted to do it in person. Oh, here, let me text you right now. "it's just not working out. I'm breaking up with you." What? Wait, what are you saying? "I can't believe this, dean." "well, you should, because" what are we doing? You can't be breaking up with me. Is this because somebody already told you I was hanging out with this guy? You mean ronald, 'cause I heard all about that. Dean, it's true, but it was just a big misunderstanding. Ronald's a nice guy and he likes me and he treated me special, - But you're my boyfriend. - Not anymore, I'm not. Maybe you should make that ronald your boyfriend. - What are you doing? Stop. I am stopping. Stopping seeing you. Forever. See you in school. I know you. You're ronald and you better get out of here, because dean's coming over. I'm not too worried about dean. Hey, look. I think I know where alex is. Why don't you come with me? All right, thanks. Hey, you're ok, ronald. Let me know if you see that other ronald. That guy's in big trouble. Will do. So, you say you don't test well? - Nah. - Alex isn't in here. - That's weird. I thought she was. Hold on a minute. You'rehat other ronald. Piggly wiggly, get in the jiggly All right. Now, time for my little dean impression. Yeah, it's gonna go a little something like this. I'm dean. I don't test well. That'll do. - That makes me uncomfortable. - Because it's working. Guys! Guys! Guess what? I saved wiztech. You're welcome. - How'd you do it, justin? - It's complicated, But I got wizworld industries to remove all the plastic balls And all we've got to do is let them put up a few signs advertising their products. Ooh, like sports drinks do with sports arenas. Yes. Ahh! Swishy pants gotcha. You're the one with the beard and I'm the mature one. I just wish I could stop thinking about dean. See, I know that if I was your boyfriend, See, I wouldn't give you stupid wooden gifts. How did you know he gave me wooden gifts? Um It's a classic stupid guy move. But this is what a good guy would do. "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no." Yes. Oh, alex, this is perfect. more perfect than you could ever imagine. Wait, why did you say it like that? No reason. Well, thanks for taking my mind off things tonight. You kinda make me feel special. Now that your brother saved wiztech, And we're going back, I'm gonna miss you, alex. And I know it's only been two days, But it seems like I've known you At least a week. I'll miss you, too. Hey, you know what? Why don't you come back to wiztech with me? Really? That seems so sudden. Yeah, but doesn't it also seem romantic? - Yeah. And we can be that couple at wiztech that everyone looks up to. Maybe we can even break the record for longest relationship. Two months. - I know where we could get a banner. You know what? Maybe change is good. I'll go back to wiztech with you, And we'll see about you and me. That's perfect. oh, more perfect than you will ever know.

{title:Saving WizTech (2)} Welcome to the grand re-opening of wiztech. We owe a big debt of gratitude to justin russo for saving wiztech By removing the plastic balls from our hallowed halls. And we know how dangerous plastic is to wizards. we hate plastic! We hate plastic! Thank you, thank you. We're wizards. We all hate plastic, right? Saving wiztech wouldn't have been possible without the generous financial support Of the wizworld industries, so let's I, uh, hope that's ok with you, professor. Of course. A few advertisements is a small price to pay For the reopening of our beloved school. As long as the sign isn't made of plastic. Ahh. Now, I would like to invite wiztech student, hugh normous, To cut the ceremonial ribbon. Oh, no thanks. My giant hands will never fit in those scissors. I'll have to use my own. - Gee - Oh, are you kidding me? Whoa. Finally. Tv how I want it. All commercials. Thanks for coming back with me, alex. And I promise I'll make you forget about that boyfriend who broke your heart. Yeah. Dean. Almost forgot about him. Thanks for hitting the reset button on that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, this is a new start for you. You have no idea what's possible here. And you're a very special girl. very, very special. More special than you will ever know! Um, I'm sorry. I can't hear you with all this evil thunder. - Oh. I said you're special. - Oh, thank you. ominous thunder and lightning brought to you by The wizworld weather channel. Now, that could get annoying. You think this would look good with my board shorts? - I'm gonna get it anyway. - Ok. You do that. * well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * that the end will no doubt justify the means * * you can fix any problem at the slightest ease * * yes, please * * well, you might find out it'll go to your head * * when you write a report on a book you never read * * with a snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * that's what I said * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * you might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * because everything is not what it seems * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * because everything is not * * what it seems * Junior, I cursed the castle So I could turn the whole place into a ball room For the best birthday ever. Now it's ruined. Dad, I have a better evil plan. To restore our family's evil powers. Oh, now, that is a fantastic birthday gift. But you know, I'd rather have some of those shoe skates. Size ten. Dad, focus. - All right. - All we need to do Is get alex russo up to the tower of evil with me. And then we can turn this place into an evil wizard school. - Dad? - Hmm? That is a great evil plan. I am proud of you. yeah, well, actually, I didn't think of that. Justin russo gave me the idea. Oh, well, take credit for it, anyway. And that's evil. Now, in the meantime, Make sure no one sees this. Jiggly fruit dessert! My party's back on. No! No, this is alex's boyfriend. I hid him in here in the supply closet So we can get alex up to the tower of evil. That sounds delicious. Dad, I know what you're thinking. Don't eat it! Stop it! Oh. And, um, also, I need you to get rid of this silly wooden card alex's boyfriend made for her. Oh, isn't that sweet? - Dad, you're evil. - Right. Oh, hey. Cool booth. Who's this? - My father. - The evil one? Yes, I am. But defeated. - By your brother? - Oh, right. I'm horribly defeat I'm terribly defeat I'm a mess. Just selling t-shirts here. Not hiding anything back there in jiggly, fruity dessert. You are not good at hiding things! And by hiding things, I mean hidingWhat amazing deals these t-shirts are. - These are pretty good deals. - Yeah. - Do you have this in blue? - I'll look in the supply closet. Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's just, uh Oh, look. It's a blue. Thank you. You better get to class. - When I was with dean we never went to class. Well, I'll try and be a better influence on you. Oh. A lot of people have tried. Good luck with that. Well, uh, hey, how about after class We have a picnic in this great place I know, on top of the tower of evil. Oh. I was told to never go to places that are evil. Oh, it was just named after William. Evil. The architect. He's famous for a lot of buildings. - Oh, yeah, I've heard of him. - You have? No, I was just trying to impress you. Hey, hugh. That's funny. It sounded like I said, "hey, you." Anyway. What are you doing there, pulling a cereal box on a wagon? No, it's not cereal. - It's a massive billboard. - Oh. Wizworld industries picked me to haul it around. You know, 'cause I'm a giant. Well, if I order the cool binoculars on the back, maybi could see it. You think all these advertisements around here are a bit too much? Well, if by "a bit too much" you mean "a bit too terrific," Then yes! Check this out. "why buy wizworld? Why not?" I, uh I wouldn't wear that in class if I were you. Oh, I'm wearing it for class. Sign wearing 101. - That's a class? - Uh-huh. What about learning wizardry and spells and potions? All the things that I love about wiztech. whoo! Wizworld industries! They've got products, yes, they do. They've got products to sell to you. Whoo! Wizworld! I could learn to love that. No! All this advertising is corrupting my school! Whoo! Oh. Sorry. I'm working on this for my advertising class, called "blimp-ertising." That's it! Wizworld said they'd put up a couple of signs. Those tiny little executives lied to me. I need to speak to professor crumbs. Here we are. The entrance to the tower of evil. Shall we? - I thought you said we were gonna picnic. - Where's your basket? - Um A bear took it. Look, if you're trying to make me scared of some pretend bear So you can put your arms around m I'll play along. Watch. Oh, no. A bear! Protect me. Real cute. Well, come on. There is a wicked view up there. Although it's nothing compared to this view. Why are you looking at me? Oh, I get it. I'm the view. Duh. Oh, professor crumbs, look, I know I brought wizworld industries in, But nobody's learning anything except how to buy wizworld products. Well, wizworld products are high-quality and affordable. Hi. This professor has been brought to you by wizworld industries. What was that? - Wizworld industries is sponsoring me. Kind of like a walk-a-thon, except I get to keep the money. This has gone too far. Hey, justin! I heard that alex went to the tower of evil. Where did you hear that? That's what everybody's talking about. Well, that, and my awesome sign flipping. Not to worry. Alex is perfectly safe As long as she doesn't go up there with ronald longcape. That's exactly who she went up there with. - Oh, no. - What do you mean, "oh, no?" I mean, if alex goes up to the tower of evil and plays the tetherball of evil, - She'll become evil. - Oh, I love tetherball. It's the only ball that you can never lose. If ronald and she become evil, then they have the evil strength To take over wiztech and make it evil. I knew that guy was evil. But then he talked me into believing that he wasn't evil. Which is totally evil of him. Come on. We've got to go stop them. I'll stay here. Ooh, lovely. This is the strangest greeting card I've ever seen. I like this one, yes. I don't think anybody's gonna mind that. Oh, wow. It's so romantic up here. We should look at the stars. It's kind of our thing. Yeah. And you know what else is our thing? Playing tetherball. Playing tetherball? No, it isn't. Well, can it be? Uh, no. I think looking at the stars is more romantic than tetherball. Well, then, how about we stand here. Next to this pole and look up at the stars And maybe just bat the ball around a little. I gotta tell you, ronald, I'm not all that into playground games. I'm really into just being with you. Come on, alex. Just one game. I don't even know how to play. You just keep hitting it back and forth for a while. Sounds complicated. No. - Hit it. - No. - Hit it. - No! - Hit it! - No! - Hey, I'm doing it. - Good. Keep going. It's glowing. It's working! - Why is it glowing? - This is good. This is good! Why is this good? - 'cause it's our thing. - It's not our thing. alex, no! Whoo! That was a lot of stairs! I should really run instead of hiding under the bleachers during pe. why didn't you guys just take the elevator? There's an elevator? There needs to be better signage in this tower of evil. What are you guys even doing here? Alex, you gotta stop playing tetherball or you're gonna turn evil. You're too late, justin. In less than a minute, alex and I will have turned evil, To destroy wiztech and begin our evil lives together. - What? - Oh, I heard him. He said that you and he are gonna start Your evil lives together. Congratulations. It's too late to stop the evil, justin. Your sister has served her purpose. Wait. Is that why you brought me up here? For evil? You used me to complete your evil plan? Well, it could have been any russo. Come on, justin, let's go spit over the edge. I guess it had to be you. Max, we're trying to stop evil. You fight evil your way, I'll fight it mine. You lied to me, ronald. You told me that I was special and I fell for it. - I can't believe I broke up with dean. - He broke up with you. Look, the story we're telling everybody is that I broke up with him, ok? Maybe you won't turn evil. Maybe it's not too late. wizworld industries is proud to announce That evil will commence in three, two, one Evil. Yeah, it's too late. I don't look like him, do I? Professor, we're too late. - I would have been here sooner, but somebody spit on me. I had to change my robes. Bull's eye! - yeah, well, you didn't make it. My evil powers have been restored. I am taking over wiztech and making it evil! and professor crumbs, Um, I'm firing you. And just to prove that I am evil, I'll take that beard. Thank you. Before I go, I'd like to give alex something That I believe belongs to her. I can't get used to looking at him without the beard! It's from dean. That's impossible! "dear russo, I was thinking, maybe I should start calling you alex, So here it goes. Dear alex, I like you. Signed, moriarti. I mean, dean." Aw, dean. And there's not a grade on it. It wasn't an assignment. - Then why'd he break up with me? - He didn't. I did. And you fell for it. I'm stopping seeing you. See you in school. It was you? Absolutely. And now, evil is mine. Oh, my gosh, evil has taken over. We've got to warn the others. There's an elevator. These things are slow. Wait a minute. There is a way evil can be undone. If one of the tetherball players is in love, Then evil is cancelled. - Ronald? - Hm? Are you in love with anyone? Yes. Is that someone yourself? Yes. Doesn't count. Alex russo, are you in love with someone? Oh, my goodness. I guess I am. I'm in love with dean. I believe you are. What's happening to me? The natural power of love! Ew. I found him attractive? Well, you can love dean, - But he can't love you back! - What are you saying, ronald? That I have trapped your precious dean in a jiggly fruit dessert. And I have hidden him somewhere you will never find him. finally. Oh, hi, son. Having all this jiggly fruit dessert around is just too tempting. I thought I'd better hide your encased boy up here. Dean! Oooh, no. Dad, this is why We've failed at being an evil family all these years. Evil is one thing but mean is a hurt that never goes away. All right! No one try and follow us or loverboy gets it. No, wait, dean! Justin, we have to take the stairs. Couldn't we just wait for the elevator to come back? Justin, even I know that's a bad idea. Fine. Grab my hands. We're wizards. We'll take our own way down. Pillows for feet spell. Nice one, justin. I know. Pillows for feet. Never thought I'd use it. Oh, man, I got hit with my own spit. not your spit. Bull's eye! - There they are. Let's catch them. - You'll never catch me. I think we're gonna catch him. Never! We just caught you, dude. Curses. I almost got away. Oh, great. I was with a guy that said "curses." not hot. I'll take my beard back. Higgly wiggly, get out of that jiggly Hey, russo. I came by to give you something. Oh, no. I lost it. - I'll go make you another one. - No. I think you dropped it. Read it to me. "dear russo, I was thinking maybe I should start calling you alex. So here it goes. Dear alex, I like you. Signed, moriarti. I mean, dean." - Aw. I love it. - You do? Yes. And I love This card. - You just said that. - Well, that's how much I love it. I love it so much. more than you will ever know. Why did you say it like that? I don't know. I thought I'd give it a shot but it's not really me. All right. First one down the staircase wins. I'll even give you a ten second head start. You're on. - Go! - Go. One, two Three I knew you were gonna do that and I'm still gonna beat you. No! No, no wait, wait! No! <|endoftext|>