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52ao73

I was at a cowboy fancy dress party and lost that wheel thing they have on their shoes.... It was okay, someone had a spur.

52ao6a

Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.. All I'll have left is a ;

52anpq

Slow and steady wins the race. But what if it's a running race

52an6q

When you realize the Cincinnati Bengals have to win.... for Harambe.

52amr5

We got one good thing out of the removal of the headphone jack in the iPhone 7.. Finally an end to selfie sticks!

52ammg

A panda walks into a bar.. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action forthe night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex,the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house."You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up:"Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm apanda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads,"Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

52am0u

Which american city would never forget 911?. Detroit because if you forget it...you're dead.

52alra

What is Alqaeda´s favourite fetish?. Blowing Twins. (I actually made this up)

52alnc

I have two kids, five and seven. Silly names I know.

52al0k

What does mexican ISIS do when they run out of bombs?. They grab a fat guy and say: "AL AGUA JUAN!"

52akj1

Is sex work?. A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

52ajdf

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?. You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you!

52aj56

The zookeeper said he'd tell me where the bathroom is located if I can say the alphabet.. "A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z" He asks: "where's the D?" "It's out for Harambe"

52ai5w

My friend fell into the gelatto machine.. Ice creamed in terror.

52ahxm

What kind of bus does a bee take to school?. A school buzz

52ahjx

A Man goes to the Doctor. Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Man: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

52aftk

a lot of people seem to dislike hot air balloons. I don't see what all the hot air is about!

52afmk

Did you hear about the guy who haggled with a prostitute for his pet deer?. He wanted to get the most bang for his buck.

52afln

What happened to helium when the chemist made him laugh?. He He He

52afkq

Want to hear a joke about helium?. He he he.

52aefq

Is it okay to post Islam jokes?. Coz they really blow me away

52adr0

I had to divorce my wife when I went blind.. I just couldn't see myself with her anymore.

52adi9

the only dates i get. Are the system software updates to my xbox. Play station. PC. Phone...

52accu

What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11?. Hillary Clinton's campaign.

52abnb

How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls. With a broom and a dustpan

52ab04

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?. Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

52aaym

To make a boob joke all you need to do is use words that end in 'it'. Isn'tit?

52aapw

Why did the baby cross the road?. It didn't hit the car's windshield.

52aaiz

They say a BJ is better than a yank .. But I'm not a big baseball fan, so I wouldn't know

52a9mp

What happens to a desert-dwellers main transportation when it has been parked in one spot for too long?. It gets Camel-Towed.

52a915

So a console gamer walks into a bar.... Then it renders

52a7tw

After witnessing the second coming of Jesus.. My life has changed. I have decided not to watch Mexican Porn again.

52a6ws

Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?. Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

52a6u9

What do you call a 53 year old who has sex with a 9 year old?. 1.6 billion people call him Muhammad.

52a6gp

Clinton didn't faint due to heat exhaustion.... ... she was just doing her steel beam impression.

52a6cq

Today is the anniversary... Today is the 16th anniversary of the world's largest game of Jenga.

52a51d

"Is there anybody here named Jeff?". Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"

52a2w6

Height of misunderstanding... Wife not talking to husband and thinking she is punishing him.

52a1ia

Guy asking his friend: "I'm looking for a second hand dishwasher, any address ?". friend: "meetic ?"

52a1i4

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?. Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get!

52a145

Whenever someone makes a premature blanket conclusion based on a single piece of information.... I automatically assume they're a complete idiot.

52a0v9

A woman is talking to her sexologist.. She complains that her husband is just not passionate anymore. The sexologist gives her a viagara and tells her to slip into her husband's glass of wine at dinner time and to come back to tell her how it went. Two weeks later the woman comes back looking a little frustrated. The sexologist asks her: you don't look so pleased. Was your husband not horny enough? The woman says: oh yes he was. Right in the middle of the meal he put down his pants, violently cleared the table and fucked me so hard I'm still sore. The sexologist asks her: so what's the problem? The woman says: well, we were kicked out and told never to go back to that restaurant again.

52a0mj

A story about a business trip (that actually happened). Boss was driving with one of his employees to Germany. The employee was from a smaller country, so he was really amazed by the German cities; they were so much bigger than the ones he visited in his country. Later on, as they were driving down the high way, the employee was looking at the scenery and, from time to time, he noticed some road signs that had the word Ausfahrt(exit in German) written on them. The employee was clearly impressed by what he's seen in Germany, and then, all exited, he turned to his boss and said: "Germany sure has big cities, but this Ausfahrt city is really enormous!" . . The boss had to stop the car because he was laughing so much.

52a0i0

I saw the chief of a New York City police on the news. I saw the chief of New York City police on the news, he said "We will never forget 9/11" I said "Well I sure fuckin' hope not it's your phone number"

52a0cy

What do the twin towers and genders have in common?. There used to be 2 and now its offensive to talk about.

529zfq

Today I Learned.... Steve Biscotti bought a TIE fighter at 7-11.

529z5b

What do you call a tall gay man?. Fruit by the foot.

529yd3

What's something a whore turns on the street corner for money?. AN ILLUSION, IT'S an ILLUSION

529xbd

I'm changing Blair Walsh's kick accuracy to -1. Because he missed the 0 wide left.

529x21

Knock knock?. Who's there? 9/11. > 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget!

529x1y

15 years on and not much has changed since 9/11.... ...Saudi funded collapses are STILL happening in NYC. EDIT: Don't worry, Hillary is fine.

529x07

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois.. When I was twelve, I found them.

529wyt

What's AlQaeda's favorite football team?. The New York Jets

529vz5

I don't know about you but where I am the Bees are acting like Starks.... Freaking out that winter is coming and dying left and right.

529vmd

Wise man say.... Man who passes gas in church sits in own pew.

529v9o

I got mugged yesterday.... The mugger said, “Give me your money or you’re science.” I said, “Don’t you mean history?” He said, “Don’t try and change the subject.”

529v8r

Why Was Jill upest about the new iphone?. because there was no jack.

529udv

I don't know why my friends tell me that my jokes are bad.... *That's what she said!!!*

529u05

I often confuse Americans and Canadians.. By using long words. Gary Delany at the Edinburgh Fringe. Link to other top jokes from there in /r/firstcircle

529t3g

CGPA available for adoption... … can’t raise it myself

529sue

How to fall down the stairs:. Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 7 Step 11

529rz7

The candidates are tied in polls.... ... And it's a shame. It would be so much better if they were tied to poles.

529rfx

I used to be really into nostalgia.... ...man they were the good old times.

529r5m

I was paper-thin as a kid.. So I got ripped.

529qsd

Here's a joke you've never heard before. Jokes on you, there are no original jokes on r/jokes

529qh4

Someone complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

529q8n

TIL A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.. Oops, unoriginal post.

529q89

Why can’t atheists solve exponential problems?. Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

529pta

What American presidential candidate do Mexicans support?. Surprisingly, it's someone named Eerily Cleantone.

529pn6

A is for Apple, B is for Bait, C is for Car. D is for Harambe.

529ohw

Roses are red.... Violets are violet, That guy who hit that skyscraper was a really bad pilot.

529o9h

Don’t sleep with politicians.. They have aides.

529niz

Did you know 94% of Fords are still on the road?. The other 6% made it home.

529mzm

Finding girls is like playing blackjack.. I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.

529mlu

I got a solid gold straw for my birthday.. Honestly, it sucks.

529m7i

Why couldn't Cain make offerings to God as well as his brother?. Because he just wasn't Abel.

529ltd

A monkey was arrested today for throwing feces at zoo employees. 3 employees were rushed to the hospital for turd degree burns

529lsq

What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there?. Spawn camper.

529lph

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

529lfb

People of USA are fed up of the current Presidential candidates and decided to hold a mass boycott. As Americans hated all the candidates so much, that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes. Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes. "Aha, that must be some kind of record!" she exclaims. "I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

529kr0

If attacked by a mob of clowns.... Go for the juggler.

529knl

A French man is crying into his beer.... ... Telling the bartender about the one who got away. "She was a beautiful Japanese woman, with eyes like the stars and hips round as the moon. We spent a night of passion together, taught each other some of our respective languages, and then parted with bittersweet tears in our eyes the next morning. Oddly, once we parted I found that my kneecap began to itch. Now I hunt the world over to find her again, to relieve the pain in my heart and the itch in my knee." Heaving a sigh, he moaned, "Itchy knee, sans she...."

529kkv

I got pretty sick last week, and then a centaur showed up!. He said he was the Centaur for Disease Control.

529k4n

The news have just reported that Greece will be stopping the export of Hummus and Taramasalata later this week.... Experts are saying that this will lead to a double dip recession.

529j73

I got a knock knock joke for you.. Two guys walk into a bar.

529izw

A dyslexic man.... A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

529ih3

Imagine if Lebron and Serena Williams had a baby.... Of course it's impossible. Two men can't have a baby.

529i66

My dad is in the hospital, he needed to get some toes amputated because of his diabetes.. He's been good about it. He says he's lactose intolerant.

529i1b

*Knock Knock*. *Knock Knock* "Who's there?" "Doctor." "Doctor Who?" "Why is everyone obsessed with that show?"

529g0w

Me: Knock Knock. You: Who's there? Me: 9/11 You: 9/11 who? Me: ...and you said you'd never forget...

529eeg

It takes 1,437 bolts to assemble a car.. It takes one nut to scatter them all over the road.

529dum

Why did the kitchen renovator go to jail?. For counterfeiting

529dmc

What did the bad rapper get for Christmas?. J Coal

529css

We'll give him gold and frankincense. But wait, there's myrrh. I'm not sorry. 😂

529b8o

"What did two years of Spanish classes teach you in high school?". Nadar

529ac1

Why were the workers of the twin towers sad?. They ordered pepperoni but they got plane.

5299eg

Who is Bush's favorite NFL Team?. The New York Jets

529910

If Reddit were around during the 2000 elections, who would they have voted?. Neither. They'd just take the opportunity to make a hanging chad.

52977g

My wife asked why I never eat at museum cafes. I told her it was because the food is all old