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Rick
stumbles in drunkenly, and turns on the lights. Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.
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Morty
rubs his eyes. What, Rick? What’s going on?
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1
Rick
I got a surprise for you, Morty.
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1
Morty
It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?
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1
Rick
spills alcohol on Morty's bed Come on, I got a surprise for you. drags Morty by the ankle Come on, hurry up. pulls Morty out of his bed and into the hall.
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1
Morty
Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!
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1
Rick
We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty.
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1
Rick
Rick drives through the night sky. What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage.
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Morty
Yeah, Rick... I-it's great. Is this the surprise?
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Rick
Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had— I had to— I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb.
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Morty
What?! A bomb?!
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Rick
We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start.
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Morty
T-t-that's absolutely crazy!
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Rick
Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
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Morty
Jessica? From my math class?
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Rick
puts an arm around Morty’s shoulders. When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
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Morty
Ohh...
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Rick
And Jessica's gonna be Eve.
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Morty
Whhhh-wha?
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Rick
And so that's the surprise, Morty.
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Morty
No, you can't! shoves Rick away. Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!
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Rick
I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... spills alcohol down his shirt. You don't got... Y-you don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty.
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1
Morty
What are you talking about, Rick?
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1
Rick
You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she— she, she, she's all for you, Morty.
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1
Morty
I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou—
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Rick
You know what, Morty? You're right. throws empty bottle into the backseat) Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. (presses a button.
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1
Robot Voice
Arming neutrino bomb.
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Morty
unbuckles his seatbelt) That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. (jumps up on Rick and starts fighting with him over control of the wheel.
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Rick
Get off of me, Morty! they begin to talk over each other.
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Morty
I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! starts kicking Rick's face while grabbing the wheel.
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Rick
at the same time) Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? (pushes Morty) What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty. (pushes Morty off of him.
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Rick
Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
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1
Rick
Rick lands the cruiser in an open desert; he opens the door and tumbles out among dozens of empty alcohol cans and bottles.
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Morty
Oh, thank god.
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Rick
You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.
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Morty
It was?
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Rick
Sure. Why not? I don’t, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo— falls asleep and begins snoring.
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Robot Voice
Neutrino bomb armed.
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Morty
Um...
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Jerry
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?
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Summer
Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke.
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Beth
Morty, are you getting sick? Morty lifts his head, clearly exhausted, and wipes food from his face
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Morty
I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.
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Summer
Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick.
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Jerry
What?
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Beth
Dad?
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Rick
What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?
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Jerry
Damn it!
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Beth
Jerry!
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Jerry
Beth!
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Summer
Oh my god, my parents are so loud, I want to die.
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Rick
Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.
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Jerry
glaring at Rick. Okay, with all due respect, Rick— what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?
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Rick
Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Jerry stares incredulously at him) Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. (wipes his mouth and gets up, stopping behind Beth and putting a hand on her shoulder) This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them. (Rick gives Beth a kiss and walks away.
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Beth
tears up in happiness. Oh, dad…
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Jerry
What? For real? Morty's face slams into his plate again.
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1
Mr. Goldenfold
Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows!
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Mr. Goldenfold
Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two.
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All classmates except Morty
Four.Morty, sitting in the back row, stares at Jessica, who sits in the front row, answering Jessica’s name for the questions.
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Morty
Jessica.
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Mr. Goldenfold
Five plus five.
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All classmates except Morty
Ten.
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Morty
Jessica. Jessica hears Morty and looks back, confused, not sure who’s saying her name.
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Mr. Goldenfold
Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.
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Class
Awwwwww.
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Mr. Goldenfold
Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. Morty stares at the quiz; the numbers on the quiz jumble together as Morty falls asleep
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Jessica
Hi, Morty.
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Morty
Whoa! Hi, Jessica.
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Jessica
Can I show these to you? Jessica opens her shirt, showing Morty her breasts.
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Morty
Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you!
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Jessica
You know what I named these? My little Morties.
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Morty
rubs the back of his neck. Uh, that's flattering... and a little weird.
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Jessica
Do you know what I want you to do with them?
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Morty
Rename them?
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Jessica
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.
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Morty
Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Morty grabs her breasts and starts fondling her.
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Jessica
Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
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Morty
Uh, I-I'm just doing my best. in real life, class has ended and Morty is fondling Mr. Goldenfold.
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Mr. Goldenfold
Morty! What are you doing to me?!
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Morty
sleep-talking. Ah, Jessica.
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1
Mr. Goldenfold
Morty!
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Morty
Jessica.
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Mr. Goldenfold
Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. leans back and bites his lip.
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Morty
Je-Jessica. Jessica.
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1
Mr. Goldenfold
Not my fault this is happening.
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1
Frank
Morty is at his locker, where he is confronted by a bully, Frank Palicky.
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Morty
Uh, morning, Frank.
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Frank
pins Morty to his locker "Morning"? What was what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? takes out a pocket knife and points it at Morty's neck.
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Morty
Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.
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Frank
You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Morty and now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. Frank suddenly freezes and Rick steps out from behind him.
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Rick
There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands.
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Morty
Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank?
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Rick
It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. burps. It's important. Come on, Morty.
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Morty
I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again.
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Rick
Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!
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Morty
Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?
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Rick
I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go. takes off with Morty and then Summer comes by, seeing Frank's frozen body.
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Summer
in her headOh, my God. I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. walks up to Frank and talks to him, oblivious to the fact that he's frozen.
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Summer
Hi, Frank. Frank's frozen foot breaks and he drops to the ground and shatters into a million pieces, dying.
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Summer
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!