Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

Is this your 1st video conference call? *Takes HUGE bong rip* *Holding it in* umm no So you're aware we can see you? *Cough* what *cough*

NASA's Scott Kelly is back on Earth after spending a year in space He found out how many states Trump won and left again

Thank you, Student Loan, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

There's 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

/r/Jokes just surpassed /r/AskReddit in users! I lie...

Whats worse than eating 10 oysters out of your girlfriends vagina? Realising you only put 9 in

What's the difference between a Malaysia Airline flight and Internet Explorer? None. Eventually, both of them are gonna crash.

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook. But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" *knock knock* *edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

What did the Marvel character say when he attained full control of his Android's CPU and Kernel? I am Root.

I am trisexual I'll tri sex with anyone

Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"... Me: "...How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

DYK Mozart never suffered from stress He always kept his composer.

Why did the Mexican guy rob a train? He had a loco motive.

I used to be in a band called 500Mb...... But we had to break up because we couldn't get a gig.

What's Black & Rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre

Do you like oranges? Well I am bad at colloquialisms! How you like them oranges?!?!

What did the dragonball z fan say when he wanted to go to the toilet? I need to goku the toilet

I once dated a mortician... it didn't work out because I'm not that much of a mourning person. Though she was a real head-turner.

How to get personal space If there's a lot of people, just yell "Allahu Akbar" for a rapid evacuation.

Why is it called almond milk? "Nut juice" wasnt very popular.

When I broke my back the doctor said I had to start sitting down to pee... Because I'm not allowed to lift anything over 25 pounds.

my son is only in 4th grade but he snap chats at a 7th grade level

A guy called out over the radio that someone spilled chips at work... Turns out they were Flooritos.

In which country are they refusing to use wi-fi and bluetooth? In wireland

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

The Declaration of Independence was NOT written in Philadelphia. it was written in ink

I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business "Dale's Paint Supplies" but what if it was named "Best Dog Memes"

I don't hate you, but if you we're drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

I really don't understand why people think mayweather is so great I'd much rather have June weather

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop

Why did the meatball chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria? They caught him stroganoff.

Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather...

If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee's to chest b!tch , knee's to chest!!!

What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus station? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

A duck walks into rehab "What're you here for?" asks the desk lady. "I'm addicted to quack."

If the opposite of "pro" is "con"... Then what's the opposite of "progress?"

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"... But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.

I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week I'm a student loan collector

What is the most popular social media form at Hogwarts? SnapeChat

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Bartender: "Why the long face ?"

knock knock... "knock,knock" "who is there?" "KGB" "KGB who?" (you slap a person across the face)"we ask the questions around here"

Strap-on backwards spells No-parts.

The best thing about going on a first date to the petting zoo is that if she doesn't put out there are still plenty of options.

Two word joke Dwarf shortage

She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P

What was Hitler's favorite letter? Not z!

Did you hear about the gay german? Apparently he Adolf Hitler.

What's E.T short for? He's got little legs

Did you know there is a Virus that turns fruits into vegetables? It's called AIDS.

You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans That's crossing the border!

Biography of a voyeur He came, he saw, he came

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone's gotta have multiple.

In light of MLK day... African american culture has fought so hard not to have to sit at the back of the bus. But they still do anyway.

What's ISIS's favourite song? Niggas in Paris

Did you know that in any given group, only 9/10 of people understand basic math? The other 3% doesn't.

If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."

What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook. Wait

Did you hear the Joke they don't tell retards... No, Oh my bad.

Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive

What do you call a Vietcong that's been hit by napalm? Charlie Brown

When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now

How do you know a black guy's been at your computer? It's not there.

Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures; they only use pubic transportation.

OC that I came up with whilst daydreaming: Why is there no sofa in the forbidden kingdom? ... because Mao is more of a chair man!

OMG! It's colder than a pimps heart out here!

Canada's navy

Why are most reactionists black? Because stealing is the only thing they can do.

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."

I used to have a friend who practiced acupuncture.

Why do lesbians like radishes? Because they like to get their daikon.

The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty.

What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog

What do gay men and ambulances have in common Both get loaded from the rear and go woop-woop!

A flying pig defecated on me today. I shit you not.

At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.

My friend gave me a free dvd... but it's only Chinatown.

A black man and a mexican are in a car. Who is driving? The police officer

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

What do you get if you cross history and a cow? A moo-suem.

A man only wearing saran wrap pants... Walks into his doctors office. The doctor says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

What is a gay jew's favourite bank? Goldman Sach's

After his failed Presidential run, Bernie Sanders decides to write a book and finally endorses Hillary Clinton. The Clinton Foundation bought 10 million copies in advance.

A joke I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I'm not racist, but... >[deleted]

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last hit was the wall.

All of the other reindeer were secretly watching red-nose-on-regular-nose porn.

What's the difference between a duck? One of it's legs is both the same.

'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.

Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.