Did you hear about the autistic guy that sat on his food at Fuddrucker's? Turns out he just had Aspergers.

Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week

How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb? Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.

ATTN FILMMAKERS: Is it possible the future won't be colored a bleak greenish gray with constant rain, or are you really sure of this?

I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.

Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. It was a small ceremony Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one

Poor onions I cried when my Dad sliced Onions. I missed Onions. He was a good dog.

Why does all of Jared Fogle's music sound the same? Because he loves to abuse A Minor.

How do you make a space party? You planet.

Serial killer or nerd If a guy has a knife collection he's a serial killer if he has a sword collection he's just a nerd.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

How do you keep a moron in suspense for 24 hours? I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes? In the L Ron cupboard.

A wise chinese guy once said to me "if the dog barks, it's undercooked" - Some wise chinese guy

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?

What did one atom say to the other? Thank you for your help in this matter!

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say "you're okay, you're okay," they are definitely NOT okay.

What do you call a prostitude asking for a ride? A Hictchooker

Scientist have found out that birthdays are healthy. Scientists have discovered that people with more birthdays tend to live longer.

Why is it called Big Bang? Baby universe was born.

[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone

Blind man walks into a bar... ...bartender asks if he likes his beer light or dark.

I'm so glad I married a big strong program like WinRAR He can open all of my .jars!

What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger.

Sex Is Like A Restaurant Sometimes You Get Good Service, Sometimes Bad Service, Sometimes No Service, And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service

So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win

What does a dog from Minnesota say? Woof da.

Breaking up with Asians is so hard. You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!

Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

A republican posts in /r/politics...

Why did the antelope go to her sisters house? She wanted to see her nephewlope

[looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

I don't know why people call Donald Trump inexperienced He used to remove black families from their homes all the time.

I'm hoping someone puts razor blades in my daughter's Halloween candy this year because those things are ridiculously expensive.

Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.

What do you call 1000 Jews on a train? Whatever you like - They're not coming back.

A lady came up to me in the middle of the street asking for help So I gave her my AIDS

"What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about." - Everyone

Why did hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill. It was over nein thousand.

I don't care what the FBI says, America's most wanted still sounds like an honor.

A little Muslim girl tells her husband: "I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Husband says: "You can do one or the other, you can't do both."

Ear sex is dangerous... ...it fucks with your head

Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes it's already caught my eye.

Handjobs and blowjobs Handjobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs.

How did the Neanderthal dad teach his son how to wear underwear? Color coded: "Yellow in front, brown in the back"

What do you call too many chickens on a farm? A cluster cluck.

what do you call a chav in a box? innit.

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.

Why do cannibals never go hungry? Because they can make themselves dinner.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grraaaiinns

In Texas we pronounce it "nu-que-lur" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones!

Google+ is not a "ghost town", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

What do you call a gay caveman with a Viagra prescription? Homo erectus.

There are two kinds of people in this world... People who can extrapolate on incomplete information....

I'm not a big fan of loud music I guess its just not my forte

After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I'm currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

There's 3 types of people in this world People who can count and people who can't count

How many..... How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side

It's Palm Sunday and we didn't drink the wine out of a coconut? I don't know why this church even has a suggestion box.

My Favorite Politician Quote (not sure if this belongs here but what the hell) "Madam, I may be drunk but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober." - Winston Churchill

I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday. It said "concentrate."

What do you call a gay herbal doctor? A homeosexual.

I buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

Why can't the main character of Fallout 4 get a girlfriend? Because they're too young for him

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

How many dead hookers do you need to replace a lightbulb? Atleast not three since my basement is still dark.

Life is like a box of chocolates. My wife won't let me have any.

Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves? The lavatory, of course!

"I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?" ... *knocks on stall wall* "Hello? Can u hear me?" ... "I like your shoes...Hello?" ..

A farmer wins $30 million in a lottery A reporter asks him if he's going to retire and he says "No, I'm just going to keep farming until it's all gone."

What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite!

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Went to take out money from the ATM and hit Espanol by accident.It replied, 'Nice try, you don't get paid until all the onions are chopped'.

HR: What are some of your strengths? Me: Shifting the blame HR: That's a horrible reply Me: No, your question was! HR: Wow, you're good!

What does a 500 pound parakeet say? "TWEET!!!" * [Source1](http://i.imgur.com/9HEfWT1.jpg) * [Source2](http://i.imgur.com/JR1VTA0.jpg)

Hedgehogs ... Why can't they learn to just share the hedge.

Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently... The steaks have never been higher.

My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologising.

Panties LUST : Tearing her panties off. Love : Sliding them down gently Marriage : Folding them regularly

What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start.

So Billy is watching a sexy car video where two cars are making out while loving it and eachother. His Mom says, "Are you WILLY to learn how to drive?"

What is a caterpillar scared of? A dogapillar

You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone.

Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".