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Because they have little anty-bodies.

...he goes out with a Bang.

And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected

Whose there? Corona. Corona who? Corona you! *Coughs in face*

My wife can come home from working in her dress and change into jeans and a flannel shirt it’s no big deal. When I come home from work and change out of my jeans and flannel shirt. It’s suddenly “we have to talk.”

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."

Which pub will you be drinking in ?

>!not like this !</ >! not like this not like this !</>! / not like this!< ​ >!not like this tooo!< .>!not like this also !<>!look somewhere else!< ​ >!Not like this either !< . >! not like this !<.>! not like this!<

He's really mean

Because he flu

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean

Now he doesn't have to worry if he will experience coronation.

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says: “Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says: “Actually, I’m going to this party at 8pm at this address. You should come by!” So he finishes with work, and goes home. He tidied up, gets dressed, and gets ready for the party. 8pm rolls by, and he gets to the address. It’s got a neon sign labeled “The Joke.” He doesn’t know anyone there except for the frosted cheerio, and he just kind of wants to leave. She comes up to him and says: “So glad you could come! Are you having a good time?” “Not really. I don’t know anyone here except for you. I think I’m just gonna get some punch.” He says. “Ooh, grab me a glass, would you?” She says. So he goes up to the table with all the drinks and snacks and such, but there isn’t anyone there. He grabs two glasses and promptly gets back to the frosted cheerio. “So, how’d it go?” Says the frosted cheerio. “Smoothly. There wasn’t even a line.” He replies. “Really?” She has a look of pure astonishment for some reason. “Yeah. The joke doesn’t have a punchline.”

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life. When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres. He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show. Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground! As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors! On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning. One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine. Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true! So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second. Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside. Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward. Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him. The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding. It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could. He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months. Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life. As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub. So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window. He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room. Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate. He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone. Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???” “Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.”

My teacher told him to put some books under it

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months ater her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole Scientist 1: So this polar bear can survive in both the north *and* south poles? Scientist 2: that’s correct. However, he’s prone to mood swings in the south Scientist 1: maybe it’s his wife? Scientist 2: or his husband. Scientist 1: so it’s a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear

Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!" Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!" Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father."

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: "Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

"Up and atom!"

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops. After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad news is, it was Minnie's hand writing. "

**SIR:** May I come in doc? **DOC:** Yes sir you may come in. **SIR:** Can I get information about eye donation campaign that you are running. **DOC:** That is really great of you, do you know the estimated number of **people** visually impaired in the world is 285 million. **SIR:** Oh that is sad, I want to donate my eyes. **DOC:** Fill this form sir, will you? **SIR:** I will fill the form and I will come tomorrow to donate my eyes. **DOC:** Sir that will do and have a good day. **SIR:** Good day to you too, I will see you tomorrow doc.

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

This is my last video

I guess it was time to lego

Who's there? "WHO." The band? "Nope." Shit!

Turns out they're in a covid-dependent relationship.

After almost a full day of trying to find their way out, they stumbled across a small house. The 3 young men decided to see if there was any way they could get any help, including some drinks and a meal. After knocking on the door, the ugliest, most wrinkly, stinkiest women answered the door. Man #1: “So sorry to interrupt you this evening, but my two friends and I are stranded in this desert. Could we possibly use your phone and have a snack and some water" Lady: “Of course. I would be happy to help you handsome young me out! I actually just brewed some tea and made meatloaf. But first, one of you guys has to fuck me.” The 3 young men looked at each other, almost vomiting at the idea of sticking their dick inside this vile woman. Man #1: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I have a girl friend.” He walks away, tapping his friends shoulder. Man #2: “Yeah. I’m gay so I won’t be able to get hard.” He walks away, joining his other friend. Man #3: “I will do it. But you have to wear a blindfold.” Lady: “That’s just fine sweetie. Come on in.” Man #3 walks inside with the Lady while his other two friends stick outside. The ugly lady undresses, puts a blindfold on, and hands him a condom. He takes a corn on the cob from the pantry and inserts it into the lady, using it as a dildo. The lady screams and moans while the man is trying not to gag from the smell. After she orgasms, he throws the corn on the cob out of the window and stuffs the unused condom in his pocket. Lady: “Wow that was absolutely amazing. Here is some meatloaf and a thermos of iced tea. My phone is on the countertop right over there” After making some phone calls to his family and checking the gps to figure out how to get home, he walks outside with the meatloaf and some cold tea and walks around the corner of the house to find his friends. Man #3: “Hey guys, look how good this meatloaf looks!” Man #2: “Man, I don’t know about you. But we just shared the best buttered corn in our lives!”

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him. He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side. One year later she gets called to Heaven. At her funeral, the Priest says, "Let us thank our Father in Heaven that they're finally together." After the service, one of her children walks up to the Priest and asks, "When you said, 'Thank God they're together,' did you mean her and her first husband or her and her second husband?" The Priest says, "...I meant her legs."

Turtle-necks

Two scientists start an expedition to explore a deserted island. On the second day of their expidition, they ran into a group of indigenous, the natives bound the two scientists and bring them to their village. The chief of the tribal approaches and says „**DEATH or BUMM BUMM?**“. The two scientists look completly baffled into each other and decide, that nothing is worse than death, so they pick the „Bumm Bumm“. The chief get every man of the tribal together and they start to f\*ck the two scientists in ass. After a long session of pain, embarrassment and disgust, the natives release the scientists. On the third day the scientists come again across the group. They bound them again, the chief ask the same question again and the scientists decide again to take „Bumm Bumm“, rather than death. On the fourth day the process repeats and the scientists can barely walk cause auf the pain. On the fifth day, when the event seems to start again and the chief asks them the question, they look at each other, with tears in the eyes and answer „**death**“. The chief of the tribal walk away with a few man, to discuss their decision. When they finished their consultation the chief approaches and screams „**BUMM BUMM TILL DEATH**“

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?"

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

Because they were no-mads

As it got more heated one began giving the other the silent treatment. “Oh yeah?” Said the other, “well toucan play at that game.”

​ ​ It was a booty trap.

Oh yeah, an online class was going on.

To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow.

He was a handless, handsome handfull.

You could say I've became a regular Tentin Quarantino.

.. and the police arrested me for fly tipping.

yousoearly

Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.

That's what Xi said.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: (sobbing) Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi

So I replied wi

because it was dead.

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

Suddenly the horse stops and speaks to him in perfect English: "Hey man this hill is too steep, can we go around it for once?" The man is completely bewildered and says "Holly fu*k, I've never seen a talking horse before" And the carriage is like "Wow, wtf, me neither".

Wait a second.........

The Big Bang.

Wait. It was the news on the TV.

a hentail

A candy baa.

Punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

And so Donald Trump promptly gives him a call telling him how stupid his plan is. They can't go to the sun; it's too hot! And so Kim replies, "We'll go at night!" And then Trump replies, "You fool! There is no sun at night!"

And the owner glares at him from behind the counter and says: "You'll have to leave. We don't sell fishcakes here."

At the farmacy.

The baker rolls his eyes and says "well, you did ask for a blue brie muffin."

Condensed milk

You can catch a cold.

He was dark, tall, and dyed his hair green at one point, hence the name. He was an army buddy. I woke up and looked over to him. There was something protruding from his blanket. I asked him about it. He responds. "It's just mornin wood."

A woman was pregnant and in labor with her only son, named Digorno. Her husband was waiting outside for her. Suddenly the doctor rushed in with good news. "We have good news!" "Is it delivery?" "It's not delivery, it's Digorno." And then they celebrated with pizza afterwards.

Knock knock Who's there Knock Knock! Knock knock who Knock knock knock knock knock on my door, knock knock knock knock on my door

well I guess we'll have to find out

One time I had a kid come over to my house and tell me that my house was small and boring. So then I told him that my house was small because I had an amazing secret basement full of games and toys that I never tell anyone about. This kid wanted to see it really badly at that point, so I told him to wait outside the basement door so I could get the games and toys ready for him. I took a bucket of glitter mixed in with super glue and set it up on the top of the basement door. I gave the kid the cue to come inside, and when he opened the door, I stabbed him.

Home

Sneeze on a rich person's face

Because they would eat all the bats

A Vietnamese phone book

Which is...

(Or 374 days, 7 hours and 3 minutes to be exact)

Asking for a friend.

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men. The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell. The second man has a purple jumpsuit on and black adidas. He offers her a job coaching a middle school track team. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell. The third man is tall and skinny, wearing a big trench coat and with a greasy slicked down mustache. He offers her a job doing kinky knee videos for a very niche crowd of viewers. She has a very pretty set of knees so she agrees. She excels tremendously at her job and within weeks has hundreds of guys paying her for simple videos of her knees! The only issue is, she’s up all night making them. She can’t sleep. She comes down for breakfast one day with black bags under her eyes and her dad says “honey, you absolutely need to get some sleep.” She replies “I can’t! I’m in some knee act”

It would have been funnier if he hadn’t been saying it for weeks now.

They unbox pussy

A violin has strings and a fiddle has strangs

Hispanic buying.

pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal... Panama.

Three friends Thomas, Arthur, and Frank die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and tells them that due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, God asked him to limit the number of people entering Heaven. The three friends were sad realizing that all three will not be together anymore, so they ask him how are you going to choose who among us will go through the gates? To which St Peter replied, " If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll go straight to Hell.” The three friends agreed. Thomas stepped in first. He was a philosopher so he said, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!” Arthur was next. He was a mathematician so he asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!” Finally, Frank stepped in. He asked St peter to bring him a chair and he brought forward a chair. Frank asked him to drill 20 holes on the chair, he did just that. Frank then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” St. Peter inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the top-right.” “Wrong,” said Frank, “It’s wrong.” “It came out from my asshole.” And Frank went to Heaven.

In your pants. (From my 5 year old daughter, now much older)

Pass the baa-aa-aah!

Crabs on your organ

2020(after March 31st): APRIL FOOLS!

It's the year of the bat...

You're a crappy spouse.

A preacher goes to a prostitute. After the deed when he is leaving, Prostitute : "Sir, money?" Preacher : " Are you kidding me, honey?, I will never take money from you for this."

in the Foreground!

Only two but you have to wonder how they got in there

A: Guess what, I got a girlfriend! B: Wow that's awesome! Who is she? A: Happy April Fools Day B: Dude... I think the joke's on you.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020. Thanks for your cooperation.

Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

I can't tell you how much it meant to me.

There once was a man who was always lost. He would buy a map at any cost. One day on a trip, he heard his map rip, so into a trashcan, he tossed. ​ He wandered and wandered with no aim. He started to think it was a game. But with no end in sight and quickly losing light, he started back the way he came. ​ He cried and threw his hands in the air; he screamed and shouted with despair. "Could anyone help?" Then he started with a yelp. There was another man, but trust him, he dare? ​ "I gotchu," the man said with a grin. "Come on, I'll help you, hop in." He got in his car, they drove pretty far: for the traveler, it seemed a big win. ​ The driver took the man to a club: he assumed there'd be a phone at a pub. So, in the men went, and a message to his wife, the traveler sent. Then at a deli next door, they ordered a sub. ​ Suddenly thirsty, the traveler got, so back to the club for drinks, he sought. He was bad at navigating, the driver was hating, but he pressed on, getting lost quite a lot. ​ At last, he found the club just fine, but he didn't want a beer or wine. He pushed through the crowd, and yelled out quite loud, "Hey man, where's the punchline?"

If you have a grief nobody feels, If you have a pain nobody feels. If your heart is broken nobody feels, but if you fart all will understand.

"Of all the ladies at this party, you're average", he said. The woman replied, "You are mean". And he said, "No, you are".

Had a date last night Thought Id be careful though, I Wore a mask, gloves, BUT I GOT GONORRHEA! Forgot the condom -TM

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?"

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"