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My dyslexic girlfriend tries really hard but always ends up 96ing me.

BIRD BRAINED Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag" The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!" As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head. "Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..." A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.' Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..." After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.' Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."

What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist? 30 of them are triggered every second

Jesus walks into a motel He gives the guy at the counter 3 nails and says, "can you put me up for the night?"

Heard a strong rumour that Clarkson and Charlie Sheen are teaming up on a new show. It's called Second And a Half Gear, and is about test riding Hookers and drugs and punching the shit out of anyone that gets in their way...

BLONDE DRIVER Q: Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? A: Her blinker was on.

9/11 jokes... They're just plane wrong.

Guy gets really drunk... Next day at work, his colleague says, "Wow, looks like you had a rough night." "You don't know the half of it. I was blowing chunks all night long." "Hey, it happens to the best of us." "No, you don't understand... Chunks is my dog."

The Story of the Old, Empty Barn There was nothing in it.

Free beer for the person who can pass this test! A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

How did God get Mary pregnant? He used the holy immaculate contraception

Life is like a box of condoms... I haven't done anything with mine yet.

my dogs in jail.. for watching kitty porn

Whats the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can´t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

My mate Keith at it again. So me and my mates were discussing people in our workplace. I said, "I'm no racist but I hate the Polish. The Polish guy at my works only been there for 6 months and he's just been given a promotion ahead of me." My mate Sid said, "I'm no racist either but I hate the Japanese. Two of them were employed recently and walk around like they own the place, right set of wankers!" Then my mate Keith said, "I'm no racist but I hate the blacks" We both interrupted him and said, "That's racist mate!" and he replied, "No, that's not racist. A racist is a dislike of races and I love the 100 meter hurdles!"

How do you make Obama's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Superman was flying around Metropolis...[slightly NSFW] Superman was flying around Metropolis one day using his Supervision to stop wrongdoers. As he is flying by the beach he spies Wonder Woman sunbathing face down, completely naked. So he thinks to himself, "I'll never get another chance like this I've always wanted to Superbone her so here's what I'll do: I'll fly down there, give her some Supersauce faster than a speeding bullet, and be out of there before she knows what happened." So he proceeds to fly down to the beach, fulfills a lifelong dream, and is out of there faster than a speeding bullet. Wonder Woman immediately sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?" And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell."

Have you heard about the new breed of dog that is gaining popularity? It's called the Meth Lab.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything

What game did the Rabbi play with the Baby? PeekaJew

And the LORD said " Come forth and receive eternal life" John came fifth and received a brand new toaster

What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz? Your dreams are not the only thing going up in smokes.

What did the cat say to the correctional officer? Let MEOWWWWWOUT!!

What did the grave robber say to his gym buddy in the locker room? I'm gonna get some head tonight.

Having sex with a condom on is like picking up dog shit with a plastic bag. You can't feel shit.

What's worse than being raped by your dad's penis? Also being forced to fill his Viagra prescription.

Where's the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse? Radio Shack. Not even the brain dead would go there.

Where do you find a quadriplegic? There where you left him.

Don't you just hate it when you are thinking, and.... You lose the game?

There were these two guys having lunch ... There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" says the second one. "Well last week I was at the airport and I wanted to go to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the salt but instead I said 'You fucking bitch! You've ruined my life.'"

I was browsing for new jokes And then I unzipped my pants and had sex with your mother

What do you call a gay Jew? A he-blew.

I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol... But still.

What did the black Jew say to the non-believers? We Israel..

My wife left me after repeatedly spending our entire life savings on penis enlargement surgery.... She couldn't take it any longer.

Where do 4 gay guys go? One Direction

A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor? 8)

Say what you will about that pilot... ...but at least he died doing what German's love most. Mass murdering innocent people.

Das Deutsch knock knock joke German pilots are bad at knock knock jokes. Knock, knock. *silence* Knock, knock. *CRASH* Too soon?

Ouch. I was wondering why the baseball looked like it was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Not so funny after all. Little Jimmy came home from school one day and walked into his parents bedroom, where he saw his mom and dad going at it. Without his mother seeing, Jimmy's dad gave his son a thumbs up and kept on going. The next day Jimmy's father comes home from work and walks into his son's room to see what he was up to. When he walked in he saw Jimmy had his grandmother tied to the bed and was doing unimaginable things to her..His father yelled "JIMMY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Jimmy replied....."It's not so funny when its YOUR mom, huh?

What an upset manly clock with boobs says to another manly clock with boobs who doesn't arrives in time for their homossexual dating? You man nipple lated me

My parents always said I was artistic. They were very modest, so they only ever whispered it to each other.

I got voted down So I unzipped my pants and had sex with your mother.

What do you call a painter with a mental disability? An autist.

What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke

Why is the white girl so odd? Because she can't even. I'll be over in /r/dadjokes if you need me.

Courtesy of my ECON professor Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece. On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, "You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500 each." The second man says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore."

My butt buddy Al is gone... Anal beads back in a few minutes.

Confucius say man who farts in church sit in pew.

I have a rude joke about Canadians! Sorry?

Can you imagine a conversation with an atheist, feminist, crossfiting, vegan redditor? Neither can i...

A man received the following text from his neighbour.... I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

BAD LAWYER Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.

Did you hear about the FedEx lady who had a baby? (DAD JOKE) Supposedly she had to rush the delivery!

With Zyan Malik leaving 1D.. *zyan malik or whatever leaves 1d. *Kayne West gets in. *kicks everyone out of the band. *there's room for only 1 direction homie. *it's West.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when invited to the musician themed costume party? I'll be Bach

The Moth Joke So a moth goes into a podiatrists office. "Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?" The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease." The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?" The moth says,"Your light was on."