Output:
“I was careless,” Maitreya replied. “Besides, your master and you disciples have not yet come to the end of the demons you will have to deal with. That is why every kind of spiritual creature has been coming down to earth. It’s right that you should suffer. Now I’m here to capture him for you.”

“That evil spirit has very great magic powers,” Monkey replied, “and you haven’t got any weapons. How can you possibly subdue him?”

“I’ll make a little hut under the mountain,” said Maitreya, “where I grow fruit and melons. You challenge him to battle, lose in the fight that follows, and lure him into my melon patch. All my melons are still unripe, so you’re to change into a big ripe melon. When he gets there he’s bound to want a melon and I’ll give you to him. Once you’re in his stomach you can do what you like to him. Then I’ll get his pouch and we can put him inside it.”


Output:
“It’s a very good plan,” Monkey replied, “but how will you know which is the ripe melon I’ll have turned into? And why should he be willing to go there after me?”

“I’m the ruler of the world,” laughed Maitreya, “and I have miraculous vision. Of course I’ll know which one is you. I’d recognize you whatever you turned into. The only worry is that the demon won’t come after you. I’ll have to teach you some new magic.”

“But he’s bound to catch me in his pouch,” Monkey replied, “not come after me. What magic power could I use?”

“Stretch your hand out,” Maitreya said. Monkey stretched out his left hand. Maitreya moistened the forefinger of his own right hand with some magic saliva, wrote “stop” on it, and told Monkey to make a fist. If he opened that hand again in the demon’s face the demon would certainly come after him.


Output:
Monkey cheerfully made the fist as he had been instructed and went back to the monastery gates, brandishing his cudgel with one hand as he shouted, “Evil spirit, your lord and master Monkey’s here. Come out at once and we’ll see who’s the champion.” When the little devils rushed inside to report the demon king asked how many soldiers Monkey had brought with him this time.

“None,” they replied. “He’s here by himself.”

“That Monkey’s at his wit’s end and exhausted,” the demon king laughed, “and he can’t get anyone else to help. He’s just throwing his life away now.” Once he was in his armor again he took his treasure and his flexible wolf-tooth mace and went out through the monastery gates shouting, “You won’t be able to hold out this time, Sun Wukong.”

“Damned demon,” Monkey replied abusively. “What do you mean, I won’t be able to hold out?”


Output:
“Look at you,” the demon replied. “You’re at your wit’s end and exhausted. There’s nobody else you can turn to for help. Now you’re here again to try to resist me there won’t be any more divine soldiers or anything like that to help you. That’s why I said you wouldn’t be able to hold out.”

“Fiend,” said Monkey, “you don’t even know whether you want to live or to die. Stop all that talk and take this!”

Seeing that Monkey was wielding his cudgel single-handed, the demon burst out laughing: “What a clever little ape! Do you think you’ll be able to hold me off by using your cudgel one-handed?”

“My dear boy,” said Monkey, “if I used both hands it would be too much for you. Even with four or five hands you wouldn’t be able to beat me even if I had one hand tied behind my back. That is, as long as you didn’t use that pouch of yours.”


Output:
“Very well then,” the demon king replied, “I won’t use my treasure. I’ll give you a straight fight and we’ll see who’s the best man.” With that he raised his wolf-tooth mace and attacked Monkey, who opened his clenched fist in the demon’s face before wielding the cudgel in both hands. Once the demon was under the spell he put all thought of retreat out of his mind and indeed did not use his pouch, but went for Monkey with his mace. Monkey feinted then turned and fled in defeat, pursued by the evil spirit down the Western slopes of the mountain.

As soon as he saw the melon field Monkey rolled himself into a ball to go into it and turn himself into a big, ripe, sweet watermelon. The evil spirit stopped to look all around, not knowing where Monkey had gone.

He rushed over to the hut and asked, “Who’s growing these melons?”

Maitreya, who had turned himself into an old melon grower, came out of the thatched hut and said, “I am, Your Majesty.”

“Have you got any ripe ones?” the demon king asked.


Output:
“Yes,” Maitreya replied.

“Pick me a ripe one then,” said the demon. “I’m thirsty.”

Maitreya then picked the melon that was Monkey transformed and handed it to the demon king respectfully with both hands. The demon king did not stop to examine it, but took it and bit into it. This was Monkey’s chance to go straight down the demon’s throat. Without any more ado he started hitting out and kicking, grabbing and clawing at the monster’s entrails and stomach, turning somersaults, standing on his head, and doing just as he liked. The evil spirit ground his teeth and grimaced in agony, the tears flowing down his face, as he rolled around the melon field till it looked like a threshing floor.

“Stop, stop!” he shouted. “Save me, save me.”

Maitreya then reverted to his true form and said with a jolly smile, “Evil beast, do you recognize me?”


Output:
When the evil spirit looked up he fell to his knees on the ground, rubbing his stomach with both hands and kowtowing as he said, “Spare me,. master, spare me. I’ll never do it again.”

Maitreya then stepped forward, seized him with one hand, undid the future heaven pouch, took back the stick for beating the stone chime, and said, “Sun Wukong, spare his life for my sake.”

Monkey, who was still beside himself with loathing and hatred, went on punching, kicking, and making havoc in the demon’s insides until the demon collapsed in unbearable agony.

“He’s had all he can take, Wukong,” Maitreya said. “Spare him now.”

“Open your mouth wide,” Sun Wukong finally said, “and let me out.” Although the demon’s insides had been tied up into agonizing knots his heart had not yet been damaged, and as the saying goes,

Until the heart is damaged nobody dies;

Leaves only fall when the trunk’s sap dries.


Output:
Leaves only fall when the trunk’s sap dries.

As soon as he was told to open his mouth wide he did so, in spite of the pain. Only then did Monkey jump out and turn back into himself. He at once seized his cudgel and was about to strike again, but the Buddha Maitreya had already put the evil spirit into the pouch and slung it at his waist. Holding the chime-stick in his hand Maitreya said, “Evil beast, where are the golden cymbals you stole?”

The monster, who was desperate to live, could be heard mumbling inside the future heaven bag, “Sun Wukong smashed them.”

“If they’re broken give me my gold back,” said Maitreya.

“It’s piled up on the lotus throne in the main hall,” the monster replied.


Output:
Holding the bag in one hand and the stick in the other the Buddha laughed as he said, “Wukong, you and I are going to get my gold back.” After the display of such dharma power Sun Wukong dared not be at all remiss, but took the master back up the mountain and into the monastery, where they gathered all the pieces of gold.

Although the monastery gates were firmly shut one push with the stick was enough to open them wide, and when they looked inside they saw that all the little devils had taken the monastery’s wealth and were now fleeing in all directions. When Monkey found one he killed one; when he found two he killed two; and so on until he had killed all the six or seven hundred little devils, who resumed their real forms as mountain spirits, tree monsters, evil beasts and animal demons.


Output:
The Buddha gathered all the pieces of gold together, blew on them with magic breath, and said the words of a spell. At once they were the two golden cymbals again. He then took his leave of Monkey and headed straight back to his paradise by auspicious cloud. The Great Sage then released the Tang Priest, Pig and Friar Sand.

After being hung up there for several days the idiot was desperately hungry. Without waiting to thank Monkey he ran straight to the kitchen, his back bent, to find some food. As it happened the demon had sent for his lunch but not had time to eat it when Monkey challenged him to battle. The moment he saw it Pig ate half a saucepan of rice before fetching a pair of bowls for the master and Friar Sand each to eat two bowlfuls. Only then did he thank Monkey and ask about the evil spirit.


Output:
Monkey told him all about how he had asked the help of King Teacher, Tortoise and Snake, then borrowed the prince from the True Lord, and about how Maitreya had subdued the demon. When Sanzang heard this he expressed his gratitude at great length and kowtowed to all the heavens. “Disciple,” he asked, “where are all the gods imprisoned?”

“The Duty God of the Day told me yesterday that they were all in the pit,” Monkey replied. “Pig,” he continued, “you and I are going to rescue them.”


Output:
Now that he had eaten, the idiot was full of strength and energy again as he found his rake and went with Monkey to open up the pit, untie the prisoners, and ask them to come out to under the tower. Sanzang, who had now put his cassock back on, bowed to each of them in thanks, after which the Great Sage saw the five dragons and two generals off on their way back to Wudang, Little Prince Zhang and the four generals on their way to Bincheng, and the Twenty-eight Constellations on their way back to the palaces of Heaven. He also released the Protectors and Guardians so that each could return to his own territory.

Master and disciples stayed on in the monastery to rest for a few hours. Then, after the horse had eaten its fill and the luggage all been packed, they set out again the next morning. Before leaving they burnt the towers, thrones, halls and preaching chambers to ashes. Thus it was that

Without any cares from their troubles they flee,

From disasters and obstacles finally free.


Output:
From disasters and obstacles finally free.

If you don’t know when they reached the Great Thunder Monastery, listen to the explanation in the next installment.

Chapter Sixty-Seven

The Dhyana-Nature Is Stable and Tuoluo Village Is Saved

The Mind of the Way Is Purified As Corruption Is Removed

The story tells how Sanzang and his three disciples happily continued along their way after leaving the Lesser Western Heaven. They had been going for over a month, and it was now late spring. The flowers were in bloom and all the woods they could see were full of green shade. After a spell of wind and rain dusk was falling once more.

“Disciple,” said Sanzang, reining in his horse, “it’s getting late. Which way shall we go to look for somewhere to spend the night?”


Output:
“Don’t worry, Master,” said Monkey with a smile. “Even if we can’t find anywhere to stay we three all have our skills. Tell Pig to cut some grass and Friar Sand to fell some pines. I know a bit of carpentry. We can make ourselves a hut by the road here good enough to stay in for a year. Why the rush?”

“But this is no place to stay, brother,” said Pig. “The mountain’s crawling with wild beasts like tigers, leopards and wolves. Mountain ogres and hobgoblins are all over the place. It’s hard enough travelling by daylight. I wouldn’t dare spend the night here.”

“Idiot!” said Monkey. “You’re getting more and more hopeless. I’m not just shooting my mouth off. With this cudgel in my hands I could hold up the sky itself if it collapsed.”

Master and disciples were in the middle of their conversation when they noticed a hill farm not far away. “Good,” said Monkey, “a place for the night.”

“Where?” the venerable elder asked.


Output:
“Where?” the venerable elder asked.

“Isn’t that a house in the trees over there?” asked Monkey, pointing. “Let’s ask if we can put up for the night there. We can be on our way first thing in the morning.”

Sanzang was so delighted he urged his horse forward. Dismounting outside the wicker gates he found them firmly fastened.

“Open up, open up,” he called, knocking on the gates. They were opened from the inside by an old man with a stick who was wearing rush sandals, a black turban and a plain gown.

“Who’s that shouting?” he asked.

Putting his hands together in front of his chest, Sanzang bowed in polite greeting and said, “Venerable patron, I am a monk sent from the East to fetch scriptures from the Western Heaven. As I have reached this distinguished place so late in the day I have come to your residence to ask for a night’s lodging. I beg you to be charitable to us.”


Output:
“Monk,” the elder said, “you may want to go to the West, but you’ll never get there. This is the Lesser Western Heaven, and it’s a very long way from here to the Great Western Heaven. This place alone is hard enough to get out of, to say nothing of the difficulties of the rest of the journey.”

“Why is it hard to get out of?” Sanzang asked.

The old man put his hands together and replied, “About a dozen miles West of our village is a Runny Persimmon Lane and a mountain called Seven Perfections.”

“Why ‘Seven Perfections?’” Sanzang asked.

“It’s 250 miles across,” the old man replied, “and covered with persimmons. There’s an old saying that persimmon trees have seven perfections:

1. They prolong life.

2. They are very shady.

3. No birds nest in them.

4. They are free of insects.

5. Their leaves are very beautiful after frost.

6. The fruit is excellent.

7. The branches and leaves are big and fat.


Output:
7. The branches and leaves are big and fat.

That’s why it’s called Mount Seven Perfections. This is a big, thinly populated area, and nobody has ever been deep into the mountain. Every year over-ripe, rotten persimmons fall on the path, and they fill the rocky lane right up. The rain, dew, snow and frost attack them, and they rot all through the summer until the whole path is a mass of putrefaction. The people round here call it Runny Shit, or Runny Persimmon, Lane. When there’s a West wind it smells even worse than a cesspit being emptied. As it’s now high spring and there’s strong Southeasterly blowing you can’t smell it yet.” Sanzang felt too depressed to speak.


Output:
Monkey could not contain himself. “Silly old fool,” he shouted at the top of his voice. “We’re here late at night to find somewhere to stay, and you’re trying to scare us with all that talk. If your house really is so poky that there’s no room for us to sleep indoors we’ll spend the night squatting under this tree. So cut the cackle.” At the sight of Monkey’s hideous face the old man shut his mouth, petrified with fear.

Then he plucked up his courage, pointed his stick at Monkey and shouted, “Damn you, you bony-faced, pointy-browed, flat-nosed, sunken-cheeked, hairy-eyed, sickly-looking devil. You’ve got no sense of respect, sticking your mouth out like that and insulting an old gentleman.”


Output:
“You’re not very perceptive, old chap,” Monkey replied, putting on a smile. “You don’t realize who this sickly-looking devil is. As the manual of physiognomy says, ‘A freakish face is like a rock in which fine jade is hidden.’ You’re completely wrong to judge people on their looks. Ugly I certainly am, but I know a trick or two.”

“Where are you from?” the old man asked. “What’s your name? What powers do you have?” To this Monkey replied with a smile:

“My home is in the Eastern Continent of Superior Body;

My conduct I cultivated on the Mount of Flowers and Fruit.

After studying with the Patriarch of the Spirit-tower Heart Mountain

I learned complete and perfect skill in the martial arts.

I can stir up the oceans, subdue mother dragons,

Carry mountains on my shoulders, and drive the sun along.

At capturing monsters and demons I’m champion;

Ghosts and gods are terrified when I shift the stars.

Great is my fame as sky-thief and earth-turner;

I’m the Handsome Stone Monkey of infinite transformations.


Output:
This turned the old man’s anger to delight. Bowing to them he said, “Please come into my humble abode and make yourselves comfortable.” The four of them then went in together, leading the horse and carrying the load. All that could be seen to either side of the gates were prickly thorns. The inner gates were set in a wall of brick and stone that had more thorns on top of it, and only when they had gone through them did they see a three-roomed tiled house. The old man pulled up chairs for them to sit on while they waited for tea to be brought and gave orders for a meal. Soon a table was brought in and set with wheat gluten, beancurd, sweet potatoes, radishes, mustard greens, turnips, rice and sour-mallow soup.

Master and disciples all ate their fill. After the meal Pig pulled Monkey aside and whispered, “Brother, the old bloke wasn’t going to let us stay at first. Now he’s given us this slap-up meal. Why?”


Output:
“It wasn’t worth very much, was it?” Brother Monkey replied. “Tomorrow we’ll make him give us ten kinds of fruit and ten dishes of food.”

“You’ve got a nerve,” Pig replied. “You talked him into giving us a meal all right with all that boasting. But we’ll be on our way tomorrow. How can he give you things?”

“Don’t be so impatient,” said Monkey, “I’ve got a way to cope.”

Dusk soon started to draw in. The old man brought a lamp, and Monkey asked with a bow, “What is your surname, sir?”

“Li,” the old man replied.

“I suppose this must be Li Village,” Monkey continued.

“No,” said the old man, “this is Tuoluo Village. Over five hundred families live here. Most of them have other surnames. I am the only one called Li.”

“Benefactor Li,” Monkey replied, “with what kind intentions did you give us that ample meal?”

“Just now you said that you could capture evil monsters,” said the old man. “We have a monster here that we’d like you to capture for us, and we will of course reward you generously.”


Output:
Monkey then chanted a “na-a-aw” of respect and said, “I accept your commission.”

“Just look at him,” said Pig, “asking for trouble. The moment he hears there’s a demon to catch he’s nicer to him than he would be to his own grandfather. He even chanted a ‘na-a-aw’ first.”

“You don’t understand, brother,” said Monkey. “My ‘na-a-aw’ clinched the deal. Now he won’t hire anyone else.”

When Sanzang heard this he said, “You monkey, you always want to grab things for yourself. If that evil spirit’s powers are too great for you to capture him then we monks will be shown up as liars.”

“Don’t be cross with me, Master,” Monkey said with a smile. “Let me ask some more questions.”

“What else?” the old man asked.

“This fine village is on an open plain and a lot of people live here,” said Monkey. “It’s not remote and isolated. What evil spirit would dare come to your door?”


Output:
“I will be frank with you,” the old man replied. “We had long lived in peace and prosperity here till a sudden, strong wind blew three and a half years ago. Everyone was busy at the time threshing the wheat on the threshing floor or transplanting rice in the paddy fields. We thought it was just a change in the weather. We never imagined that when the wind had blown by an evil spirit would eat the horses and cattle that people had put out to pasture as well as the pigs and the sheep. He swallowed hens and geese whole, and any men or women he found he devoured alive. Since then he’s come again each of the last two years to murder us. Venerable sir, if you really do have magic powers to capture the evil spirit and cleanse the place of him, we will most certainly reward you generously and with great respect.”

“But the monster will be hard to catch,” Monkey replied.

“Yes,” said Pig, “very hard. We’re pilgrim monks only here for the night. We’ll be on our way tomorrow. We can’t catch any monsters.”


Output:
“So you monks just tricked that meal out of me,” the old man said. “When we first met you talked very big. You said you could move the stars and capture evil monsters. But now I’ve told you about this you pretend he can’t be caught.”

“Old man,” said Monkey, “it would be easy to catch the evil spirit, except that you people here don’t work together. That’s why it’s hard.”

“How can you be so sure that we don’t work together?” the old man asked.

“If the monster has been harassing you for three years, goodness only knows how many lives he’s taken,” Monkey replied. “I reckon that if every family put up one ounce of silver the five hundred households could raise five hundred ounces, and with that you could find a priest somewhere who’d exorcise the monster. Why did you cheerfully put up with three years of such cruelty from him?”


Output:
“You talk of spending money,” the old man said. “You’re trying to shame us to death. Every family here has spent four or five ounces of silver. The year before last we went to invite a Buddhist monk South of the mountains here to catch the monster, but he failed.”

“How did the monk try to do it?” Brother Monkey asked. To this the old man replied:

“The monk wore a cassock

And recited the scriptures;

First the Peacock Sutra

And then the Lotus.

He burned incense in a burner,

Held a bell between his hands.

His reading of the scriptures

Alarmed the evil spirit,

Who came straight to the farm

Amid his wind and clouds.

The monk fought with the spirit

And it was a splendid sight:

One of them landed a punch,

The other grabbed at his foe.

The monk had the advantage of

Having a hairless head.

But soon the demon had won,

And gone straight back to his clouds.

When the wound had dried in the sun

We went up close for a look;

The monk’s bald head was smashed open

Just like a ripe watermelon.


Output:
Just like a ripe watermelon.

“In other words,” laughed Monkey, “he lost.”

“He just paid with his life,” the old man replied. “We were the ones who lost. We had to buy his coffin, pay for his funeral, and give compensation to his disciple. That silver wasn’t enough for the disciple. He’s still trying to sue us. He won’t call it a day.”

“Did you hire anyone else to catch the demon?” Monkey asked.

“Last year we invited a Taoist priest to do it,” the old man answered.

“How did he try?” Monkey asked.

“The Taoist,” the old man replied,

“Wore a golden crown on his head,

And magic robes on his body,

He sounded his magic wand,

Used charms and water too.

He made gods and generals do his will,

Captured demons and goblins.

A wild wind howled and roared,

While black fog blotted all out.

Demon and Taoist

Were evenly matched;

They fought till nightfall,

When the fiend went back to the clouds.

Heaven and earth were clear

And all of us people were there.

We went out to search for the priest,


Output:
We went out to search for the priest,

Found him drowned in the mountain stream.

When we fished him out to look

He was like a drenched chicken.”

“In other words,” said Monkey with a smile, “he lost too.”

“He only paid with his life, but we had to spend a lot of money that wasn’t really necessary,” the old man replied.

“It doesn’t matter,” Monkey said. “It doesn’t matter. Wait till I catch the demon for you.”

“If you’ve got the power to catch him I’ll ask some of the village elders to write an undertaking to give you as much silver as you want when you’ve defeated him. You’ll not be a penny short. But if you lose don’t try to extort money out of us. We must each accept the will of heaven.”

“Old man,” said Monkey, “they’ve got you terrified of extortion. We’re not like that. Send for the elders.”


Output:
The old man was delighted. He sent his slaves to invite seven or eight old men from among his next-door neighbors, his cousins, his wife’s family and his friends. They all came to meet the strangers, and when they had greeted the Tang Priest they cheerfully discussed the capture of the demon.

“Which of your distinguished disciples will do it?” they asked.

“I will,” said Monkey, putting his hands together in front of his chest.

“You’ll never do, never,” said the old man with horror. “The evil spirit’s magic powers are enormous, and it’s huge too. Venerable sir, you’re so tiny and skinny you’d slip through one of the gaps between its teeth.”

“Old man,” said Monkey with a smile, “You’re no judge of people. Small I may be, but I’m solid. There’s a lot more to me than meets the eye.” When the elders heard this they had to take him at his word.

“Venerable sir,” they said, “how big a reward will you want for capturing the demon?”


Output:
“Why do you have to talk about a reward?” Monkey asked. “As the saying goes, ‘Gold dazzles, silver is white and stupid, and copper coins stink.’ We’re virtuous monks and we definitely won’t take money.”

“In that case you must all be lofty monks who obey your vows,” the elders said. “But even if you won’t accept money we can’t let you work for nothing. We all live by agriculture. If you subdue the demon and clean the place up, every family here will give you a third of an acre of good farmland, which will make over 150 acres altogether. Your master and you disciples can build a monastery there and sit in meditation. That would be much better than going on your long journey.”

“It would be even worse,” replied brother Monkey with a smile. “If we asked for land we’d have to raise horses, do labor service, pay grain taxes and hand over hay. We’ll never be able to go to bed at dusk or lie in after the fifth watch. It’d be the death of us.”


Output:
“If you won’t accept anything, how are we to express our thanks?” the elders asked.

“We’re men of religion,” said Monkey. “Some tea and a meal will be thanks enough for us.”

“That’s easy,” said the elders. “But how are you going to catch the demon?”

“Once it comes I’ll get it,” said Monkey.

“But it’s enormous,” the elders said. “It stretches from the earth to the sky. It comes in wind and goes in mist. How are you ever going to get close to it?”

“When it comes to evil spirits who can summon winds and ride on clouds,” Monkey replied, “I treat them as mere kids. It makes no difference how big it is—I have ways of beating it.”

As they were talking the howl of a great wind made the eight or nine elders start shaking with fear. “Monk, you’ve asked for trouble and you’ve got it,” they said. “You talked about the monster and here he is.”

Old Mr. Li opened the door and said to his relations and the Tang Priest, “Come in, come in, the demon’s here.”


Output:
This so alarmed Pig and Friar Sand that they wanted to go inside too, but Monkey grabbed each of them with one of his hands and said, “You’re a disgrace. You’re monks and you ought to know better. Stay where you are, and don’t try to run away. Come into the courtyard with me. We’re going to see what kind of evil spirit this is.”

“But brother,” said Pig, “they’ve been through this before. The noise of the wind means that the demon’s coming. They’ve all gone to hide. We’re not friends or relations of the demon. We’ve had no business dealings with him. What do we want to see him for?” Monkey was so strong that with no further argument he hauled them into the courtyard and made them stand there while the wind blew louder and louder. It was a splendid wind that

Uprooted trees and flattened woods, alarming wolves and tigers,

Stirred up the rivers and oceans to the horror of ghosts and gods,

Blowing the triple peaks of the great Mount Hua all upside down,


Output:
Shaking the earth and sky through the world’s four continents.

Every village family shut fast its gates,

While boys and girls all fled for cover.

Black clouds blotted out the Milky Way;

Lamps lost their brightness and the world went dark.

Pig was shaking with terror. He lay on the ground, rooted into the earth with his snout and buried his head. He looked as if he had been nailed there. Friar Sand covered his face and could not keep his eyes open. Monkey knew from the sound of the wind that the demon was in it. A moment later, when the wind had passed, all that could be vaguely made out in the sky were two lamps.

“Brothers,” he said, looking down, “the wind’s finished. Get up and look.” The idiot tugged his snout out, brushed the dirt off himself and looked up into the sky, where he saw the two lamps.

“What a laugh,” Pig said, laughing aloud, “What a laugh. It’s an evil spirit with good manners. Let’s make friends with it.”


Output:
“It’s a very dark night,” said Friar Sand, “and you haven’t even seen it, so how can you tell whether it’s good or bad?”

“As they used to say in the old days,” Pig replied, “‘Take a candle when you’re out at night, and stay where you are if you haven’t one.’ You can see that it’s got a pair of lanterns to light its way. It must be a good spirit.”

“You’re wrong,” Friar Sand said. “That’s not a pair of lanterns: they’re the demon’s eyes.” This gave the idiot such a fright that he shrank three inches.

“Heavens,” he said. “If its eyes are that size goodness knows how big its mouth is.”

“Don’t be scared, brother,” said Monkey. “You two guard the master while I go up and see what sort of mood it’s in and what kind of evil spirit it is.”

“Brother,” said Pig, “don’t tell the monster about us.”


Output:
Splendid Monkey sprang up into mid-air with a whistle. “Not so fast,” he yelled at the top of his voice, brandishing his cudgel, “not so fast. I’m here.” When the monster saw him it took a firm stance and began to wield a long spear furiously.

Parrying with his cudgel, Monkey asked, “What part do you come from, monster? Where are you an evil spirit?” The monster ignored the questions and continued with its spearplay. Monkey asked again, and again there was no answer as the wild spearplay continued.


Output:
“So it’s deaf and dumb,” Monkey smiled to himself. “Don’t run away! Take this!” Unperturbed, the monster parried the cudgel with more wild spearplay. The mid-air battle ebbed and flowed until the middle of the night as first one then the other was on top, but still there was no victor. Pig and Friar Sand had a very clear view from the Li family courtyard, and they could see that the demon was only using its spear to defend itself and not making any attacks, while Monkey’s cudgel was never far from the demon’s head.

“Friar Sand,” said Pig with a grin, “you keep guard here. I’m going up to join in the fight. I’m not going to let Monkey keep all the credit for beating the monster to himself. He won’t be the first to be given a drink.”

The splendid idiot leapt up on his cloud and joined in the fight, taking a swing with his rake. The monster fended this off with another spear. The two spears were like flying snakes or flashes of lightning. Pig was full of admiration.


Output:
“This evil spirit is a real expert with the spears. This isn’t ‘behind the mountain’ spearplay; it’s ‘tangled thread’ spearplay. It’s not Ma Family style. It’s what’s called soft-shaft style.”

“Don’t talk such nonsense, idiot,” said Monkey. “There’s no such thing as soft-shaft style.”

“Just look,” Pig replied. “He’s parrying us with the blades. You can’t see the shafts. I don’t know where he’s hiding them.”

“All right then,” said Monkey, “perhaps there is a soft-shaft style. But this monster can’t talk. I suppose it’s not yet humanized: it’s still got a lot of the negative about it. Tomorrow morning, when the positive is dominant, it’s bound to run away. When it does we’ve got to catch up with it and not let it go.”

“Yes, yes,” said Pig.


Output:
“Yes, yes,” said Pig.

When the fight had gone on for a long time the East grew light. The monster didn’t dare fight any longer, so it turned and fled, with Monkey and Pig both after it. Suddenly they smelled the putrid and overwhelming stench of Runny Persimmon Lane on Mount Seven Perfections.

“Some family must be emptying its cesspit,” said Pig. “Phew! What a horrible stink!”

Holding his nose, Brother Monkey said, “After the demon, after the demon!” The monster went over the mountain and turned back into himself: a giant red-scaled python. Just look at it:

Eyes shooting stars,

Nostrils gushing clouds,

Teeth like close-set blades of steel,

Curving claws like golden hooks.

On its head a horn of flesh

Like a thousand pieces of agate;

Its body clad in scales of red

Like countless patches of rouge.

When coiled on the ground it might seem a brocade quilt;

When flying it could be mistaken for a rainbow.

From where it sleeps a stench rises to the heavens,


Output:
And in movement its body is wreathed in red clouds.

Is it big?

A man could not be seen from one side to the other.

Is it long?

It can span a mountain from North to South.

“So it’s a long snake,” Pig said. “If it’s a man-eater it could gobble up five hundred for a meal and still not be full.”

“Its soft-shafted spears are its forked tongue,” said Monkey. “It’s exhausted by the chase. Attack it from behind.” Pig leapt up and went for it, hitting it with his rake. The monster dived into a cave, but still left seven or eight feet of tail sticking outside.

Pig threw down his rake, grabbed it and shouted, “Hold on, hold on!” He pulled with all his strength, but could not move it an inch.

“Idiot,” laughed Monkey, “let it go in. We’ll find a way of dealing with it. Don’t pull so wildly at the snake.” When Pig let go the monster contracted itself and burrowed inside.


Output:
“But we had half of it before I let go,” he grumbled. “Now it’s shrunk and gone inside we’re never going to get it out. We’ve lost the snake, haven’t we?”

“The wretched creature is enormous and the cave is very narrow,” Monkey replied. “It won’t possibly be able to turn round in there. It definitely went straight inside, so the cave must have an exit at the other end for it to get out through. Hurry round and block the back door while I attack at the front.”


Output:
The idiot shot round to the other side of the mountain, where there was indeed another hole that he blocked with his foot. But he had not steadied himself when Monkey thrust his cudgel in at the front of the cave, hurting the monster so much that it wriggled out through the back. Pig was not ready, and when a flick of the snake’s tail knocked him over he could not get back up: he lay on the ground in agony. Seeing that the cave was now empty Monkey rushed round to the other side, cudgel in hand, to catch the monster. Monkey’s shouts made Pig feel so ashamed that he pulled himself to his feet despite the pain and started lashing out wildly with his rake.

At the sight of this Monkey said with a laugh, “What do you think you’re hitting? The monster’s got away.”

“I’m ‘beating the grass to flush out the snake.’”

“Cretin!” said Monkey, “After it!”


Output:
“Cretin!” said Monkey, “After it!”

The two of them crossed a ravine, where they saw the monster coiled up, its head held high and its enormous mouth gaping wide. It was about to devour Pig, who fled in terror. Monkey, however, went straight on towards it and was swallowed in a single gulp.

“Brother,” wailed Pig, stamping his feet and beating his chest, “you’ve been destroyed.”

“Don’t fret, Pig,” called Monkey from inside the monster’s belly, which he was poking around with his cudgel. “I’ll make it into a bridge. Watch!” As he spoke the monster arched its back just like a rainbow-shaped bridge.

“It looks like a bridge all right,” Pig shouted, “but nobody would ever dare cross it.”

“Then I’ll make it turn into a boat,” said Monkey. “Watch!” He pushed out the skin of the monster’s belly with his cudgel, and with the skin against the ground and its head uplifted it did look like a river boat.

“It may look like a boat,” said Pig, “but without a mast or sail it wouldn’t sail very well in the wind.”


Output:
“Get out of the way then,” said Monkey, “and I’ll make it sail for you.” He then jabbed his cudgel out as hard as he could through the monster’s spine from the inside and made it stand some sixty or seventy feet high, just like a mast. Struggling for its life and in great pain the monster shot forward faster than the wind, going down the mountain and back the way it had come for over seven miles until it collapsed motionless in the dust. It was dead.

When Pig caught up with the monster he raised his rake and struck wildly at it. Monkey made a big hole in the monster’s side, crawled out and said, “Idiot! It’s dead and that’s that. Why go on hitting it?”

“Brother,” Pig replied, “don’t you realize that all my life I’ve loved killing dead snakes?” Only then did he put his rake away, grab the snake’s tail and start pulling it backwards.


Output:
Meanwhile back at Tuoluo Village old Mr. Li and the others were saying to the Tang Priest, “Your two disciples have been gone all night, and they’re not back yet. They must be dead.”

“I’m sure that there can be no problem,” Sanzang replied. “Let’s go and look.” A moment later Monkey and Pig appeared, chanting as they dragged an enormous python behind them. Only then did everyone feel happy.


Output: All the people in the village, young and old, male and female, knelt down and bowed to Sanzang, saying, “Good sirs, this is the evil spirit that has been doing so much damage. Now that you have used your powers to behead the demon and rid us of this evil we will be able to live in peace again.” Everyone was very grateful, and all the families invited them to meals as expressions of their gratitude, keeping master and disciples there for six or seven days, and only letting them go when they implored to be allowed to leave. As they would not accept money or any other gifts the villagers loaded parched grain and fruit on horses and mules hung with red rosettes and caparisoned with flags of many colours to see them on their way. From the five hundred households in the village some seven or eight hundred people set out with them.


Output:
On the journey they were all very cheerful, but before they reached Runny Persimmon Lane on Mount Seven Perfections Sanzang smelled the terrible stench and could see that their way was blocked.

“Wukong,” he said to Monkey, “how are we going to get through?”

“It’s going to be hard,” replied Monkey, covering his nose. When even Monkey said that it was going to be hard Sanzang began to weep.

“Don’t upset yourself so, my lord,” said old Mr. Li and the other elders as they came up to him. “We have all come here with you because we’re already decided what to do. As your illustrious disciples have defeated the evil spirit and rid the village of this evil we have all made up our minds to clear a better path for you over the mountain.”


Output:
“That’s nonsense, old man,” said Monkey with a grin. “You told us before that the mountain is some 250 miles across. You aren’t Yu the Great’s heavenly soldiers, so how could you possibly make a path across it? If my master is to get across it’ll have to be through our efforts. You’ll never do it.”

“But how can we do it through our efforts?” Sanzang asked after dismounting.

“It’d certainly be hard to cross the mountain as it is now,” Monkey said, still smiling, “and it would be even harder to cut a new path. We’ll have to go by the old lane. The only thing that worries me is that there may be nobody to provide the food.”

“What a thing to say, venerable sir,” old Mr. Li said. “We can support you gentlemen for as long as you care to stay here. You can’t say that nobody will provide the food.”


Output:
“In that case, go and prepare two hundredweight of parched grain, as well as some steamed cakes and buns,” said Monkey. “When our long-snouted monk has eaten his fill he’ll turn into a giant boar and clear the old lane with his snout. Then my master will be able to ride his horse over the mountain while we support him. He’ll certainly get across.”

“Brother,” said Pig, “you want to keep all the rest of you clean. Why should I be the only one to stink?”

“Wuneng,” said Sanzang, “if you can clear the lane with your snout and get me across the mountain that will be a very great good deed to your credit.”


Output:
“Master, benefactors, please don’t tease me,” said Pig with a smile. “I can do thirty-six transformations. If you ask me to become something that’s light or delicate or beautiful or that flies I just can’t. But ask me to turn into a mountain, a tree, a rock, a mound of earth, an elephant, a hog, a water buffalo or a camel and I can manage any of them. The only thing is that the bigger I make myself the bigger my belly gets. I can’t do things properly unless it’s full.”

“We’ve got plenty,” the people said, “We’ve got plenty. We’ve brought parched grain, fruit, griddle cakes and ravioli. We were going to give them to you when we’d made a path across the mountain. They can all be brought out for you to eat now. When you’ve transformed yourself and started work we’ll send some people back to prepare more food to send you on your way with.” Pig was beside himself with delight.


Output:
Taking off his tunic and putting down his nine-pronged rake he said to them all, “Don’t laugh at me. Just watch while I win merit doing this filthy job.” The splendid idiot made a spell with his hands, shook himself, and turned himself into a giant hog. Indeed:

His snout was long, his bristles short, and half of him was fat;

As a piglet in the mountains he had fed on herbs and simples.

Black was his face and his eyes as round as sun or moon;

The great ears on his head were just like plantain leaves.

His bones he’d made so strong he would live as long as heaven;

His thick skin had been tempered till it was hard as iron.

He grunted with a noise that came from a blocked-up nose;

His gasping breath rasped harshly in his throat.

Each of his four white trotters was a thousand feet high;

Every sword-like bristle was hundreds of yards in length.

Since pigs were first kept and fattened by mankind

Never had such a monster porker been seen as this today.


Output:
The Tang Priest and the rest were full of admiration

For Marshal Tian Peng and his magic powers.

Seeing what Pig had turned into, Brother Monkey asked the people who had come to see them off to pile up all the parched grain at once and told Pig to eat it. Not caring whether it was cooked or raw, the idiot downed it all at one gulp, then went forward to clear the way. Monkey told Friar Sand to take his sandals off and carry the luggage carefully and advised his master to sit firm in the carved saddle.

Then he took off his own tall boots and told everyone else to go back: “Could you be very kind and send some more food as soon as possible to keep my brother’s strength up?”


Output: Of the seven or eight hundred who were seeing the pilgrims off most had come on mules or horse and they rushed back to the village like shooting stars. The three hundred who were on foot stood at the bottom of the mountain to watch the travelers as they went away. Now it was ten miles or more from the village to the mountain, and another journey of over ten miles each way to fetch the food, making over thirty in all, so by the time they were back master and disciples were already far ahead of them. Not wanting to miss the pilgrims, the villagers drove their mules and horses into the lane and carried on after them through the night, only catching them up the next morning.


Output:
“Pilgrims,” they shouted, “wait a moment, wait a moment, sirs. We’ve brought food for you.” When Sanzang heard this he thanked them profusely, said that they were good and faithful people, and told Pig to rest and eat something to build up his strength. The idiot, who was on the second day of clearing the way with his snout, was by now ravenously hungry. The villagers had brought much more than seven or eight hundredweight of food, which he scooped up and devoured all at once, not caring whether it was rice or wheat. When he had eaten his fill he went back to clearing the way, while Sanzang, Monkey and Friar Sand thanked the villagers and took leave of them. Indeed:

The peasants all went back to Tuoluo Village;

Across the mountain Pig had cleared the way.

Sanzang’s faith was backed up by great power;

Sun’s demon-quelling arts were on display.

A thousand years of filth went in a single morning;

The Seven Perfections Lane was opened up today,

The dirt of six desires all now removed,


Output:
The dirt of six desires all now removed,

Towards the Lotus Throne they go to pray.

If you don’t know how much longer their journey was going to be or what evil monsters they would meet listen to the explanation in the next installment.

Chapter Sixty-Eight

In the Land of Purpuria the Tang Priest Discusses History

Sun the Pilgrim in His Charity Offers to Be a Doctor

When good is right all causes disappear;

Its fame is spread through all four continents.

In the light of wisdom they climb the other shore;

Soughing dark clouds are blown from the edge of the sky.

All the Buddhas give them help,

Sitting for ever on their thrones of jade.

Smash the illusions of the human world,

Cease!

Cleanse the dirt; provoke no misery.

The story tells how Sanzang and his disciples cleaned the lane of its filth and pressed far ahead along the road. Time passed quickly and the weather was scorching again. Indeed:

The begonias spread their globes of brocade;

Lotus leaves split their own green dishes.


Output:
Lotus leaves split their own green dishes.

Fledgling swallows hide in the roadside willows;

Travelers wave their silken fans for relief from the heat.

As they carried on their way a walled and moated city appeared before them. Reining in his horse, Sanzang, said, “Disciples, can you see where this is?”

“You can’t read, Master,” Monkey exclaimed. “How ever did you get the Tang Emperor to send you on this mission?”

“I have been a monk since I was a boy and read classics and scriptures by the thousand,” Sanzang replied. “How could you say I can’t read?”

“Well,” Monkey replied, “if you can, why ask where we are instead of reading the big clear writing on the apricot-yellow flag over the city wall?”

“Wretched ape,” Sanzang shouted, “you’re talking nonsense. The flag is flapping much too hard in the wind for anyone to read what, if anything, is on it.”

“Then how could I read it?” Monkey asked.


Output:
“Then how could I read it?” Monkey asked.

“Don’t rise to his bait, Master,” Pig and Friar Sand said. “From this distance we can’t even see the walls and moat clearly, never mind words in a banner.”

“But doesn’t it say Purpuria?” Monkey asked.

“Purpuria must be a Western kingdom,” Sanzang said. “We shall have to present our passport.”

“Goes without saying,” Monkey observed.

They were soon outside the city gates, where the master dismounted, crossed the bridge, and went in through the triple gates. It was indeed a splendid metropolis. This is what could be seen:

Lofty gate-towers,

Regular battlements,

Living waters flowing around,

Mountains facing to North and South.

Many are the goods in the streets and markets,

And all the citizens do thriving business.

This is a city fit for a monarch.

A capital endowed by heaven.

To this distant realm come travelers by land and water;

Jade and silk abound in this remoteness.

It is more beautiful than the distant ranges;


Output:
It is more beautiful than the distant ranges;

The palace rises to the purity of space.

Closely barred are the passes leading here,

When peace and prosperity have lasted for ever.

As master and disciples walked along the highways and through the markets they saw that the people were tall, neatly dressed and well spoken. Indeed, they were not inferior to those of the Great Tang. When the traders who stood on either side of the road saw how ugly Pig was, how tall and dark-featured Friar Sand was, and how hairy and wide-browed Monkey was they all dropped their business and came over to see them.


Output:
“Don’t provoke trouble,” Sanzang called to them. “Hold your heads down.” Pig obediently tucked his snout into his chest and Friar Sand did not dare look up. Monkey, however, stared all around him as he kept close to the Tang Priest. The more sensible people went away again after taking a look, but the idlers, the curious and the naughty children among the spectators jeered, threw bricks and tiles at the strangers, and mocked Pig.

“Whatever you do, don’t get into a row,” Sanzang said again in great anxiety. The idiot kept his head down.

Before long they turned a corner and saw a gate in a wall over which was written HOSTEL OF MEETING in large letters. “We are going into this government office,” Sanzang said.

“Why?” Monkey asked.


Output:
“Why?” Monkey asked.

“The Hostel of Meeting is a place where people from all over the world are received, so we can go and disturb them,” said Sanzang. “Let’s rest there. When I have seen the king and presented our passport we can leave the city and be on our way again.” When Pig heard this he brought his snout out, so terrifying the people following behind that dozens of them collapsed.

“The master’s right,” said Pig, stepping forward. “Let’s shelter inside there and get away from these damned mockers.” They went inside, after which the people began to disperse.

There were two commissioners in the hostel, a senior one and his assistant, and they were in the hall checking over their personnel before going to receive an official when, to their great consternation, the Tang Priest suddenly appeared.

“Who are you?” they asked together. “Who are you? Where are you going?”


Output:
“I have been sent by His Majesty the Tang Emperor to fetch the scriptures from the Western Heaven,” the Tang Priest replied, putting his hands together in front of his chest. “Having reached your illustrious country I did not dare to try to sneak through. I would like to submit my passport for inspection so that we may be allowed to continue our way. Meanwhile we would like to rest in your splendid hostel.”

When the two commissioners heard this they dismissed their subordinates, put on their full official dress and went down from the main hall to greet the visitors. They instructed that the guest rooms be tidied up for them to sleep in and ordered vegetarian provisions for them. Sanzang thanked them, and the two officials led their staff out of the hall. Some of their attendants invited the visitors to sleep in the guest rooms.

Sanzang went with them, but Monkey complained bitterly, “Damned cheek. Why won’t they let me stay in the main hall?”


Output:
“The people here don’t come under the jurisdiction of our Great Tang and they have no connections with our country either. Besides, their superiors often come to stay. It is difficult for them to entertain us.”

“In that case.” Monkey replied, “I insist on them entertaining us properly.”

As they were talking the manager brought their provisions: a dish each of white rice and wheat flour, two cabbages, four pieces of beancurd, two pieces of wheat gluten, a dish of dried bamboo shoots and a dish of “tree-ear” fungus. Sanzang told his disciples to receive the provisions and thanked the manager.

“There’s a clean cooking-stove in the Western room,” the manager said, “and it’s easy to light the firewood in it. Would you please cook your own food?”

“May I ask you if the king is in the palace?” Sanzang asked.


Output:
“His Majesty has not attended court for a long time,” the manager replied. “But today is an auspicious one, and he is discussing the issue of a notice with his civil and military officials. You’d better hurry if you want to get there in time to submit your passport to him. Tomorrow will be too late to do it, and goodness knows how long you’ll have to wait.”

“Wukong,” said Sanzang, “you three prepare the meal while I hurry there to have our passport inspected. After we have eaten we can be on our way.” Pig quickly unpacked the cassock and passport for Sanzang, who dressed himself and set out for the palace, instructing his disciples not to leave the hostel or make trouble.

Before long the Tang Priest was outside the Tower of Five Phoenixes at the outer palace gate. The towering majesty of the halls and the splendor of the tall buildings and terraces beggared description. When he reached the main Southern gate he requested the reporting officer to announce to the court his wish to have his


Output:
passport inspected.

The eunuch officer at the gate went to the steps of the throne, where he submitted the following memorial: “There is a monk at the palace gate sent by the Great Tang in the East to worship the Buddha and fetch the scriptures at the Thunder Monastery in the Western Heaven. He wishes to submit his passport for approval. I await Your Majesty’s command.”

When the king heard this he replied happily, “For a long time we have been too ill to sit on our throne. Today we are in the throne room to issue a notice sending for doctors, and now a distinguished monk has arrived in our country.” He ordered that the monk be summoned to the steps of the throne. Sanzang abased himself in reverence. The king then summoned him into the throne room, invited him to sit down, and ordered the department of foreign relations to arrange a vegetarian meal. Sanzang thanked the king for his kindness and presented his passport.


Output:
When he had read it through the king said with great delight, “Master of the Law, how many dynasties have ruled in your land of Great Tang? How many generations of wise ministers have there been? After what illness did the Tang emperor come back to life, so that he sent you on this long and difficult journey to fetch the scriptures?”

On being asked all these questions the venerable elder bowed, put his hands together and said, “In my country,

The Three Emperors ruled,

The Five Rulers established morality.

Yao and Shun took the throne,

Yu and Tang gave the people peace.

Many were the offspring of Chengzhou

Who each established their own states,

Bullying the weak with their own strength,

Dividing the realm and proclaiming themselves rulers.

Eighteen such lords of local states

Divided the territory up to the borders.

Later they became a dozen,

Bringing peace to the cosmic order.

But those who had no chariots of war

Were swallowed up by others.

When the seven great states contended


Output:
When the seven great states contended

Six of them had to surrender to Qin.

Heaven gave birth to Liu Bang and Xiang Yu,

Each of whom cherished wicked ideas.

The empire then belonged to Han

According to the stipulations agreed between the two.

Power passed from Han to the Sima clan,

Till Jin in its turn fell into chaos.

Twelve states ruled in North and South,

Among them Song, Qi, Liang and Chen.

Emperors ruled in succession to each other

Till the Great Sui restored the true unity.

Then it indulged in evil and wickedness.

Inflicting misery on the common people.

Our present rulers, the House of Li,

Have given the name of Tang to the state.

Since the High Ancestor passed on the throne

The reigning monarch has been Li Shimin.

The rivers have run clear and the seas been calm

Thanks to his great virtue and his benevolence.

North of the city of Chang’an

Lived a wicked river dragon

Who gave the timely rain in short measure,

For which he deserved to pay with his death.


Output:
For which he deserved to pay with his death.

One night he came in a dream to the emperor,

Asking the monarch to spare his life.

The emperor promised to grant a pardon

And sent for his wise minister early next day.

He kept him there inside the palace,

Filling his time with a long game of chess.

But at high noon the minister

Slept, and in a dream cut off the dragon’s head.”

On hearing this the king groaned and asked, “Master of the Law, which country did that wise minister come from?”


Output: “He was our emperor’s prime minister Wei Zheng, astrologer, geographer, master of the Yin and Yang, and one of the great founders and stabilizers of our state,” Sanzang explained. “Because he beheaded the Dragon King of the Jing River in his dream, the dragon brought a case in the Underworld against our emperor for having him decapitated after granting a pardon. The emperor became very ill and his condition was critical. Wei Zhang wrote him a letter to take to the Underworld and give to Cui Jue, the judge of Fengdu. Soon after that the emperor died, only to come back to life on the third day. It was thanks to Wei Zheng that Judge Cui was persuaded to alter a document and give His Majesty an extra twenty years of life. He held a great Land and Water Mass and dispatched me on this long journey to visit many lands, worship the Buddha and fetch the Three Stores of Mahayana scriptures that will raise all the sufferers from evil up to Heaven.”


Output:
At this the king groaned and sighed again. “Yours is indeed a heavenly dynasty and a great nation,” he said, “with a just ruler and wise ministers. We have long been ill, but not one minister do we have who will save us.” On hearing this the venerable elder stole a glance at the king and saw that his face was sallow and emaciated; his appearance was going to pieces and his spirits were very low. The venerable elder was going to ask him some questions when an official of the department of Foreign relations came to invite the Tang Priest to eat. The king ordered that his food should be set out with Sanzang’s in the Hall of Fragrance so that he could eat with the Master of the Law. Thanking the king for his kindness Sanzang took his meal with him.

Meanwhile, back in the Hostel of Meeting, Brother Monkey told Friar Sand to prepare the tea, the grain and the vegetarian dishes. “There’s no problem about the tea and the rice,” Friar Sand said, “but the vegetable dishes will be difficult.”

“Why?” Monkey asked.


Output:
“Why?” Monkey asked.

“There’s no oil, salt, soya sauce or vinegar,” Friar Sand replied.

“I’ve got a few coins here,” Monkey said, “so we can send Pig out to buy them.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” said the idiot, who was feeling too lazy to go. “My ugly mug could cause trouble, and then the master would blame me.”

“If you buy the stuff at a fair price and don’t try to get it by asking for alms or theft there couldn’t possibly by any trouble,” said Brother Monkey.

“Didn’t you see the commotion just now?” asked Pig. “I only showed my snout outside the gate and about a dozen of them collapsed with fright. Goodness only knows how many I’d scare to death in a busy shopping street.”

“Well,” said Monkey, “as you know so much about the busy shopping streets did you notice what was being sold in them?”

“No,” said Pig. “The master told me to keep my head down and cause no trouble. Honest, I didn’t see anything.”


Output:
“I won’t need to tell you about the bars, grain merchants, mills, silk shops and grocers,” said Monkey. “But there are marvellous teahouses and noodle shops selling big sesame buns and steamed bread. You can buy terrific soup, rice, spices and vegetables in the restaurants. Then there are all the exotic cakes, yogurts, snacks, rolls, fries, and honey sweets. Any number of goodies. Shall I go out and buy you some?”

This description had the idiot drooling; the saliva gurgled in his throat. “Brother,” he said, jumping to his feet, “I’ll let you pay this time. Next time I’m in the money I’ll treat you.”

“Friar Sand,” said Monkey, hiding his amusement, “cook the rice while I go out to buy some other ingredients.”

Realizing that Monkey was only fooling the idiot, Friar Sand agreed. “Off you go,” he said. “Buy plenty and have a good feed.” Grabbing a bowl and a dish the idiot went out with Monkey.

“Where are you reverend gentlemen going?” two officials asked him.

“To buy some groceries,” Monkey replied.


Output:
“To buy some groceries,” Monkey replied.

“Go West along this street, turn at the drum tower, and you’ll be at Zheng’s grocery,” they said. “You can buy as much oil, salt, soya sauce, vinegar, ginger, pepper and tea as you like there: they’ve got them all.”

The two of them headed West along the road hand in hand. Monkey went past several teahouses and restaurants but did not buy any of the things on sale or eat any of the food. “Brother,” called Pig, “why don’t we make do with what we can buy here?” This was the last thing that Monkey, who had only been fooling him, intended to do.

“My dear brother,” he said, “you don’t know how to get a good bargain. If we go a little further you can choose bigger ones.” As the two of them were talking a lot of people followed jostling behind them. Before long they reached the drum tower, where a huge and noisy crowd was pushing and shoving and filling the whole road.


Output:
“I’m not going any further, brother,” said Pig when he saw this. “From the way they’re shouting they sound as though they’re out to catch monks. And we’re suspicious-looking strangers. What’ll we do if they arrest us?”

“Stop talking such nonsense,” said Monkey. “We monks haven’t broken the law, so monk-catchers would have no reason to arrest us. Let’s carry on and buy the ingredients we need at Zheng’s.”

“No,” said Pig, “never. I’m not going to ask for trouble. If I try to squeeze through that crowd and my ears get pulled out to their full length they’ll collapse with fright. Several of them might get trampled to death, and it would cost me my life.”

“Very well then,” said Monkey. “You stand at the foot of this wall while I go and buy the things. I’ll bring you back some wheaten cakes.” The idiot handed the bowl and dish to Monkey then stood with his back to the crowd and his snout against the foot of the wall. He would not have moved for anything in the world.


Output: When Monkey reached the drum tower he found that the crowds really were very dense. As he squeezed his way through them he heard people saying that a royal proclamation had been posted at the tower: this was what all the people were struggling to see. Monkey pushed forward till he was close to it, then opened wide his fiery eyes with golden pupils to read it carefully. This is what was written: We, the King of Purpuria in the Western Continent of Cattle-gift, from the beginning of our reign gave peace to the four quarters and tranquillity to the people. Recently the state’s misfortunes have confined us to our bed with a chronic illness that has continued for a very long time. Recovery has proved impossible, and the many excellent prescriptions of our country’s Royal College of Medicine have not yet effected a cure. We hereby issue an invitation to all experts in medicine and pharmacy among the wise men of the world, whether from the North or the East, from China or from foreign countries, to ascend to the


Output: China or from foreign countries, to ascend to the throne hall and heal our sickness, in the event of a recovery we will give half our kingdom. This is no empty promise. All those who can offer cures should come to this notice.


Output:
When Monkey had read this he exclaimed with delight, “As they used to say in the old days, ‘Make a move and your fortune’s one third made.’ I was wrong to stay put in the hostel. There’s no need to buy groceries, and fetching the scriptures can wait for a day while I go and have a bit of fun as a doctor.” The splendid Great Sage bent low, got rid of the bowl and dish, took a pinch of dust, threw it into the air, said the words of a spell and made himself invisible. He then went up to the notice, quietly took it down, and blew towards the Southeast with a magic breath.

Immediately a whirlwind arose that scattered all the people there. Monkey then went straight back to where Pig was standing, his nose propped against the foot of the wall as if he were fast asleep. Brother Monkey folded the notice up, slipped it inside the lapel of Pig’s tunic without disturbing him, turned and went back to the hostel.


Output:
As soon as the whirlwind started blowing all the people in the crowd at the foot of the drum tower covered their heads and shut their eyes, never imagining that when the wind fell the royal proclamation would have disappeared. They were horrorstruck. That morning twelve palace eunuchs and twelve guards officers had come out to post it, and now it had been blown away after less than six hours. In fear and trembling the people searched all around for it until a piece of paper was spotted sticking out of Pig’s lapel.

“So you took the proclamation down, did you?” they asked, going up to him.

Looking up with a start the idiot thrust his nose up at them, making the guards officers stagger about and collapse with terror. He turned to flee, only to be grabbed by several bold spirits who blocked his way.

“You’ve taken down the royal proclamation inviting doctors, so you’re coming to the palace to cure His Majesty,” they said. “Where else d’you think you’re going?”


Output:
“I’m your son if I tore the poster down,” said Pig in panic. “I’d be your grandson if I could cure disease.”

“What’s that sticking out of your tunic?” one of the officers asked.

Only then did the idiot look down and see that there really was a piece of paper there. Opening it he ground his teeth and swore, “That macaque is trying to get me killed!” He gave an angry roar and was just about to tear it up when they all stopped him.

“You’re a dead man,” they said. “That’s a proclamation His Majesty issued today. How dare you tear it up? As you’ve put it in your tunic you’re no doubt a brilliant doctor. Come with us at once!”

“You don’t understand,” shouted Pig. “It wasn’t me that took it down. It was my fellow disciple Sun Wukong. He sneaked it into my tunic then abandoned me. We’ll all have to go and find him to get to the bottom of this.”


Output:
“Nonsense,” they said. “We’ve got a bell here—we’re not going off to play one that’s still being cast. You can say what you like. Drag him off to see His Majesty.” Not bothering to get to the truth of the matter they pushed and pulled the idiot, who stood his ground as firmly as if he had taken root there. Over ten of them tried to move him without any success. “You’ve got no respect,” said Pig. “If you go on pulling at me and make me lose my temper I’ll go berserk, and don’t blame me then.”

It had not taken long for this commotion to stir up the whole neighbourhood, and Pig was now surrounded. Two elderly palace eunuchs in the crowd said, “You look very odd and you sound wrong too. Where are you from, you ruffian?”


Output:
“We’re pilgrims sent from the East to fetch the scriptures from the Western Heaven,” Pig replied. “My master is the younger brother of the Tang emperor and a Master of the Law. He’s just gone to the palace to hand his passport over for inspection. I came here with my brother disciple to buy some groceries, but there were so many people by the tower that I was scared to go any further. He told me to wait here. When he saw the proclamation he made a whirlwind, took it down, sneaked it into my tunic and went away.”

“We did see a monk with a plump white face going in through the palace gates,” one of the eunuchs said. “Perhaps that was your master.”

“Yes, yes,” said Pig.

“Where did your fellow disciple go?” the eunuch asked.

“There are four of us altogether,” said Pig. “When the master went to present his passport the other three of us stayed with our luggage and our horse in the Hostel of Meeting. My brother’s played a trick on me and gone back there ahead of me.”


Output:
“Let go of him, officers,” the eunuch said. “We’ll all go to the hostel together and find out what’s really happening.”

“You two ladies are very sensible,” said Pig.

“Monk, you don’t know about anything,” said the officers. “How can you address gentlemen as ladies?”

“You’re shameless,” laughed Pig. “You’ve made them change sex. Fancy calling these two old females gentlemen instead of women or ladies!”

“That’s enough of your insolence,” they all said. “Find your fellow disciple at once.”

The noisy crowd in the street, which was not to be numbered in mere hundreds, carried him to the hostel gates. “Don’t come any further, gentlemen,” Pig said. “My brother won’t let you make a fool of him the way I do. He’s a ferocious and serious character. When you meet him you’ll have to bow deeply to him and call him ‘Lord Sun,’ then he’ll look after you. If you don’t he’ll turn nasty and this business will fail.”


Output:
To this the eunuchs and officers replied, “If your brother really has the power to cure our king he’ll be given half the country and we will all bow to him.”

The idlers were still making a commotion outside the hostel gates as Pig led the eunuchs and officers straight inside, where Monkey could be heard laughing with pleasure as he told Friar Sand about how he had taken the proclamation down.

Pig went up to him, grabbed him and yelled, “Why won’t you act like a man? You said you’d buy me noodles, buns, and steamed bread to lure me out, but it was only an empty promise. Then you made a whirlwind, took down the royal proclamation, and sneakily put it in my tunic. You made a real idiot of me. What kind of brother are you?”

“Idiot,” laughed Monkey, “you must have got lost and gone the wrong way. I couldn’t find you when I rushed back from buying the groceries the other side of the drum tower, so I came back ahead. Where did I tear any royal proclamations down?”


Output:
“The officials who were guarding it are here,” said Pig.

Before he had finished speaking the eunuchs and officers came up, bowed low and said, “Lord Sun, His Majesty is very fortunate today as Heaven has sent you down to us. We are sure that you will display your great skill and give him the benefit of your outstanding medical knowledge. If you cure our king you will receive half the country and half the state.” On hearing this Monkey composed his face, took the proclamation from Pig and said, “I suppose you are the officials who were guarding the notice.”

“We slaves are eunuchs in the Bureau of Ritual,” said the eunuchs, kowtowing, “and these gentlemen are officers in the royal guard.”


Output:
“I did take the royal proclamation down,” Monkey said, “and I used my younger brother to bring you here. So your lord is ill. As the saying goes, ‘Don’t sell medicine carelessly, and don’t send for any old doctor when you’re ill.’ Tell your king to come here and ask me himself to help him. I can get rid of his illness at a touch.” This shocked all the eunuchs.

“That is very big talk, so you must be a man of great breadth of spirit,” the officers said. “Half of us will remain here to press the invitation in silence while the other half go back to the palace to report.”

Four of the eunuchs and six of the guards officers went straight into the palace without waiting to be summoned and said at the steps of the throne room, “Congratulations, Your Majesty.”

When the king, who was in the middle of a cultivated conversation with Sanzang after their meal together, heard this he asked, “What on?”


Output:
“When we, your slaves, took out Your Majesty’s proclamation sending for doctors this morning and posted it at the foot of the drum tower, a holy monk from Great Tang in the East took it down,” they replied. “He is now in the Hostel of Meeting and wants Your Majesty to go in person to ask his help. He can get rid of illness at a touch. That is why we have come to submit this report.”

This news delighted the king. “How many distinguished disciples do you have, Master of the Law?” he asked.

Putting his hands together in front of his chest Sanzang replied, “I have three stupid followers.”

“Which of them is a medical expert?” the king asked.

“To be frank with Your Majesty,” Sanzang replied, “they are all country bumpkins fit only for carrying baggage, leading the horse, finding their way along streams, or leading me over mountains and rivers. In dangerous places they can defeat monsters, capture demons, and subdue tigers and dragons. None of them knows anything about medicines.”


Output:
“Aren’t you being too hard on them?” the king asked. “It was very fortunate that you came to court when we entered the throne hall this morning: this was surely destined by Heaven. If your disciple knows nothing about medicine why would he have taken down our proclamation and demanded that we go to greet him in person? He must surely be a great physician.”

He then called, “Civilian and military officers, we are much too weak to ride in our carriage. You must all leave the palace and go on our behalf to invite the Venerable Sun to treat our disease. When you meet him you must on no account show him any disrespect. You must address him as ‘Holy monk, Venerable Sun’ and treat him with the deference due to your own sovereign.”


Output:
Having received these orders the officials went straight to the Hostel of Meeting with the eunuchs and guards officers responsible for the proclamation. There they arranged themselves in their companies to kowtow to Monkey. Pig was so frightened that he hid in the wing, while Friar Sand slipped behind the wall. Just look at the Great Sage sitting solemnly and unmoving in the middle of the room.

“That macaque is really asking to have his head cut off,” Pig thought resentfully. “All those officials bowing to him, and he’s not bowing back or standing up either.”

Soon afterwards, when the rituals had been performed, the officials addressed Monkey as if he were their monarch: “We report to the holy monk, the Venerable Sun, that we officials of the Kingdom of Purpuria have come at the command of our king to do respectful homage to the holy monk and invite him to the palace to treat our sick king.”

Only then did Brother Monkey stand up and reply, “Why hasn’t your king come?”


Output:
“His Majesty is too weak to ride in his carriage,” the officials all replied, “which is why he ordered us to pay homage to you, holy monk, as if you were our sovereign, kowtow to you and invite you to come.”

“In that case,” said Monkey, “will you gentlemen please lead the way. I’ll follow you.” The officials then formed themselves into a column in accordance with their ranks and set out. Monkey tidied his clothes and got to his feet.

“Brother,” said Pig, “whatever you do, don’t drag us in.”

“I won’t,” Monkey replied, “provided you two accept the medicine for me.”

“What medicine?” Friar Sand asked.

“You must accept all the medicine people send me,” Monkey replied. “I’ll collect it when I come back.” The two of them undertook this commission.


Output:
Monkey was soon at the palace with the officials, who went in first to inform the king. He raised high the curtains of pearls, flashed his dragon and phoenix eyes, opened his golden mouth and spoke majestically, “Which gentleman is the holy monk, the Venerable Sun?”

Taking a step forward, Monkey shouted at the top of his voice, “I am.”

The voice was so ugly and the face so hideous that the king fell back on his dragon throne. In their alarm the female officials and the palace eunuchs helped him to the inner quarters.

“He’s terrified His Majesty to death,” they said.

“Monk,” all the officials said angrily to Monkey, “how could you be so rough and crude? Why did you dare take the proclamation down?”

When Brother Monkey heard this he replied with a smile, “You shouldn’t be angry with me. If you’re going to be so rude to me your king won’t get better in a thousand years.”

“But how long does human life last?” the officials asked. “How is it that he won’t get better even in a thousand years?”


Output:
“He’s a sick ruler now,” said Monkey. “When he dies he’ll be a sick ghost, and whenever he’s reincarnated he’ll be a sick man again. That’s why he won’t get better even in a thousand years.”

“You’ve got no sense of respect at all,” the infuriated officials replied. “How dare you talk such nonsense!”

“It’s not nonsense,” Monkey laughed. “Listen and I’ll explain:

“Mysterious indeed are the principles of medicine;

Flexibility of mind is a quality required.

Use eyes and ears, ask questions, take the pulses:

Omit but one and the examination’s incomplete.

First look for outward signs of the patient’s vital energy.

Dried? Smooth? Fat? Thin? Active? Does he sleep well?

Secondly, listen to whether the voice is clear or harsh:

Determine if the words he speaks are true or crazed.

Third, you must ask how long the disease has lasted,

And how the patient eats, drinks and relieves himself.

Fourth, feel the pulses and be clear about the veins:

Are they deep, shallow, external or inside?


Output:
Are they deep, shallow, external or inside?

Should I not look and listen, ask questions, and take the pulses,

Never in all his days will the king be well again.”

In the ranks of the civil and military officials there were some fellows of the Royal College of Medicine who when they heard these words praised Monkey publicly: “The monk is right. Even a god or an immortal would have to look, listen, ask questions and take the pulses before treating a patient successfully with his divine gifts.”

All the officials agreed with these remarks, then went up to the king and submitted: “The reverend gentleman wishes to look, listen, ask questions and take the pulses before he can prescribe properly.”

“Send him away,” the king said over and over again as he lay on his dragon bed. “We cannot bear to see any strangers.”

His attendants then came out from the inner quarters and announced, “Monk, His Majesty commands that you go away. He cannot bear to see a stranger.”


Output:
“If he won’t see a stranger,” Monkey replied, “I know the art of taking the pulses with hanging threads.”

“That is something of which we have only heard,” exclaimed all the officials, concealing their delight, “but that we have never seen with our own eyes. Please go back in and submit another report.”

The personal attendants then went back into the inner quarters and reported, “Your Majesty, the Venerable Sun can take your pulses with hanging threads: he does not need to see Your Majesty’s face.”

At this the king reflected, “In the three years we have been ill we have never tried this technique. Send him in.”

At once the courtiers in attendance announced, “His Majesty has consented to pulse-taking by the hanging threads. Send the Venerable Sun to the inner quarters at once to make his diagnosis.”

Monkey then entered the throne hall, where the Tang Priest met him with abuse: “Wretched ape! You will be the death of me!”


Output:
“My good master,” Monkey replied with a smile, “I’m bringing you credit. How can you say I’ll be the death of you?”

“In all the years you’ve been with me,” Sanzang shouted, “I have never seen you cure a single person. You know nothing about the nature of drugs, and you have never studied medical books. How can you be so reckless and bring this disaster on us?”

“You don’t realize, Master,” said Monkey with a smile, “that I do know the odd herbal remedy and can treat serious illnesses. I guarantee I can cure him. Even if the treatment kills him I’ll only be guilty of manslaughter through medical incompetence. That’s not a capital offence. What are you afraid of? There’s nothing to worry

about, nothing. You sit here and see what my pulse diagnosis is like.”


Output:
“How can you talk all this rubbish,” Sanzang asked, “when you have never read the Plain Questions, the Classic of Difficulties, the Pharmacopoeia and the Mysteries of the Pulses, or studied the commentaries to them? How could you possibly diagnose his pulses by hanging threads?”

“I’ve got golden threads on me that you’ve never seen,” Monkey replied, putting out his hand to pull three hairs from his tail, hold them in a bunch, call, “Change!” and turn them into three golden threads each twenty-four feet long to match the twenty-four periods of the solar year. Holding these in his hand he said to the Tang Priest, “These are golden threads, aren’t they?”

“Stop talking, reverend gentleman,” said the eunuchs in attendance on the king. “Please come inside and make your diagnosis.” Taking his leave of the Tang Priest Monkey followed the attendants into the inner quarters to see his patient. Indeed:

The heart has a secret prescription that will save a country;

The hidden and wonderful spell gives eternal life.


Output:
If you do not know what illness was diagnosed or what medicines were used and wish to learn the truth listen to the explanation in the next installment.

Chapter Sixty-Nine

The Heart’s Master Prepares Medicine in the Night

The Monarch Discusses a Demon at the Banquet

The story tells how the Great Sage Sun went with the eunuchs in attendance on the king to the inner quarters of the palace and stood outside the doors of the royal bed-chamber. Handing the three golden threads to the eunuchs to take inside he gave them these instructions: “Tell the queens and consorts of the inner palace or the eunuchs in personal attendance to fasten these threads to His Majesty’s left wrist at the inch, the bar and the cubit, then pass them out of the window to me.” The eunuchs did as he said, asking the king to sit on his dragon bed while they fastened one end of the golden threads to the inch, the bar and the cubit and passed the other ends outside.


Output: Monkey took these ends and first held the end of one between the thumb and the forefinger of his right hand and felt the pulse at the inch point. He held the next against his middle finger and felt the pulse at the bar, and then pressed his thumb against his third finger and felt the cubit pulse. Next he regulated his own breathing to examine the four functions, the five depressions, the seven exterior and eight interior symptoms, the nine tempers, the deep pulses within the floating ones and the floating ones within the deep ones. He thus determined the insufficiencies and excesses of the functioning of organs, then told the eunuchs to take the threads off the king’s left wrist and fasten them to the same points on the right wrist. He felt the threads one by one with the fingers of his left hand.


Output: With a shake he put the golden threads back on his body and shouted at the top of his voice, “Your Majesty, the inch pulse on your left wrist is strong and tense, the bar pulse is sluggish and tardy, and the cubit is hollow and deep. On your right wrist the inch is floating and slippery, the bar is slow and knotted, and the cubit is frequent and firm. The left inch being strong and tense means that you have an internal emptiness and pains in the heart. The left bar being sluggish and tardy shows that you sweat and that your muscles feel numb. The hollowness and depth of the cubit suggest red urine and bloody stools. The floating, slippery inch pulse on the right wrist shows internal accumulations and blocked channels. The bar being slow and knotted is from indigestion and retained drinking. The frequency and wiriness of the cubit shows a chronic opposition of irritable fullness and empty coldness. My diagnosis of Your Majesty’s ailment is that you are suffering from alarm and worry. The condition is the one


Output: from alarm and worry. The condition is the one known as the ‘pair of birds parted.’”


Output:
When the king heard this inside his chamber he was so delighted that his spirits revived and he shouted in reply, “You have understood my illness through your fingers. That is indeed my trouble. Please go out and fetch some medicine.”

Monkey walked slowly out of the inner palace, by when the eunuchs watching him had already given the news to everyone. When Monkey emerged a moment later the Tang Priest asked him how it had gone. “I made a diagnosis from his pulses,” Monkey said. “I now have to prepare the medicine for his condition.”

All the officials then came forward to ask, “Holy monk, reverend sir, what is the ‘pair of birds parted’ condition of which you spoke just now?”


Output:
“It’s when a cock bird and a hen who were flying together are suddenly separated by a violent storm,” replied Monkey with a smile. “The hen misses the cock and the cock misses the hen. Isn’t that ‘a pair of birds parted?’” At this the officials all cried out over and over again in admiration. “He really is a holy monk! He really is a divine doctor!”

“You have diagnosed the condition,” said one of the fellows of the Royal College of Medicine, “but what drugs will you use to treat it?”

“There’s no need to stick to prescriptions,” said Monkey. “I’ll choose the drugs when I see them.”

“According to the medical classic, “There are 808 varieties of medicine and 404 varieties of sickness,’” said the fellows of the Royal College of Medicine. “How can it be right to use all the medicines when one person does not have all the ailments? You can’t just choose your drugs on sight.”


Output:
To this Monkey replied, “The ancients said, ‘In preparing medicines do not stick rigidly to the formulae; use them as appropriate.’ That’s why I’ve asked for the full range of pharmaceutical materials so that I can make adjustments as I need to.”

The fellows of the Royal College could say no more to this, but went out through the palace gates and sent those of the college’s staff who were on duty to tell all the pharmacies in the city, whether selling raw materials or prepared drugs, to send three pounds of each to Monkey.

“This is no place for preparing medicine,” said Monkey. “All the medicines and a set of pharmacist’s utensils must be sent to the Hostel of Meeting and handed over to my two fellow disciples.” The fellows did as they were told. Three pounds of each of the 808 ingredients of medicine together with pharmacist’s rollers, hand-mills, sieves, mortars, bowls, pestles and the like were all sent to the hostel, handed over and received.


Output:
Monkey went back into the throne hall and asked his master to return to the hostel with him while he prepared the medicine. Sanzang was just getting up to go when the king sent a command from the inner quarters that the Master of the Law was to stay behind and spend the night in the Hall of Literary Splendor; the next morning, after taking the medicine and recovering from his illness, the king would reward them, inspect the passport and send them on their way. Sanzang was horrified.

“Disciple,” he said, “he means to keep me here as a hostage. If he is cured he will be happy to send us on our way, but if the treatment fails my life is over. You must be very careful and pay full attention when preparing the medicine.”

“Don’t worry, Master,” Monkey said with a smile, “Enjoy yourself here. I’m a superb doctor.”

Taking his leave of Sanzang and of all the officials the splendid Great Sage went straight back to the hostel where Pig welcomed him with a grin. “Brother,” he said, “I know what you’re up to.”


Output:
“What?” Monkey asked.

“If fetching the scriptures doesn’t come off you’ll be left without any capital to start up a business.” Pig replied. “Now you’ve seen how prosperous this place is you’re planning to open a chemist’s shop here.”

“Don’t talk nonsense,” shouted Monkey. “When I’ve cured the king I’ll use my success to leave the court and be on our way. I’m not going to be running a chemist’s.”

“Well,” said Pig, “if you’re not opening a shop, why get three pounds of each of 808 different ingredients to treat one man? How much of it will you need? How many years will it take for him to finish the lot?”

“He’ll never finish that much,” Monkey replied. “The fellows of their Royal College of Medicine are a load of idiots. The only reason why I sent for so many ingredients was to baffle them and stop them knowing which ones I’m going to use. Then they won’t be able to find out what my miraculous prescription is.”


Output:
As they were talking two of the hostel staff came in and fell to their knees before them to say, “We beg the holy monks and reverend gentlemen to partake of their evening repast.”

“This morning you treated us rather differently,” said Monkey, “so why go on your knees to invite us now?”

“When you first came, my lords,” the hostel orderlies replied, “we were too blind to recognize your illustrious faces. Now we have heard how you are using your outstanding medical powers to treat our king. If His Majesty recovers his health he will share the kingdom with you, so we’ll all be your subjects. So it’s only proper for us to kowtow to you and to invite you politely to eat.” On hearing this Monkey cheerfully took the place of honour while Pig and Friar Sand sat to his left and right.

As the vegetarian meal was served Friar Sand asked, “Where’s our master, brother?”

“The king’s kept him as a hostage,” Monkey replied. “When the king’s cured he’ll regard us and send us on our way.”


Output:
“Is he being well looked after?” Friar Sand continued.

“His host’s a king,” Monkey replied, “so of course he’s in luxury. When I went there he had three senior ministers looking after him and he was invited into the Hall of Literary Splendor.”

“In that case,” said Pig, “the master’s still doing much better than us. He’s got ministers looking after him, and we’ve only got a couple of hostel orderlies to serve us. So I’m going to forget about him and eat a good meal.”

Thus the three of them enjoyed their meal at ease.

It was now late. “Tidy the dishes away,” Monkey said to the hostel orderlies, “and fetch me plenty of oil and candles. The best time for us to make up the medicine will be in the quiet of the night.”

The orderlies brought oil and candles as instructed and were then dismissed. In the still silence of the middle of the night Pig asked, “Brother, what, medicines are we going to make? Let’s get on with it. I need my shut-eye.”


Output:
“Get an ounce of rhubarb and grind it to a fine powder with a roller,” said Brother Monkey.

“Rhubarb has a bitter taste and a cold nature and isn’t noxious,” said Friar Sand. “Its nature is deep, not superficial; it’s an active medicine, not a defensive one. It removes stagnations and clears obstructions, settles disorder, and brings about peace, and they call it ‘the general’. It’s a cathartic drug. But perhaps it’s wrong for someone in an empty, weakened state after a long illness.”

“There’s something you don’t know, brother,” Monkey said. “This drug helps phlegm, makes the vital forces travel smoothly, and calms the heat and cold that become congested in the stomach. Just leave me alone and fetch me an ounce of croton seeds. Shell them, peel them, hammer the poisonous oil out of them, then grind them to a fine powder with a roller.”


Output:
“Croton seed is acrid, hot by nature and poisonous,” said Pig. “It cuts away hard accumulations, deals with submerged cold in the lungs and bowels, and clears obstructions. It smooths the way for water and grain. It’s a warrior for storming passes and gates. You must be very careful how you use it.”

“Brother,” Monkey replied, “what you don’t understand is that this is a drug that destroys knots, opens the intestine and can cure swelling of the heart and dropsy. Hurry up and get it ready. And I’ll want an adjuvant to back it up.”

The two of them started work on grinding the two drugs to a fine powder. “You’ll need dozens more, brother,” they said, “so which’ll they be?”

“That’s all,” Monkey replied.

“But you’ve got three pounds of each of 808 different medicinal ingredients,” Pig said. “If all you’re going to use is two ounces you’ve been making a fool of these people.”


Output:
Monkey then produced a patterned porcelain dish and said, “Stop talking, brothers. Take this dish and fill it half full with soot scraped from a cooking pot.”

“Whatever for?” Pig asked.

“I need it for the medicine,” Monkey replied. “I never heard of soot from a cooking pot being used in medicine,” said Friar Sand.

“It’s called ‘frost on the flowers,’” said Monkey, “and it helps treat all kinds of illness. Didn’t you know that?” The idiot then scraped off half a dishful and ground it up to a fine powder.

Monkey then handed him another dish and said, “Now fetch me half a dishful of our horse’s piss.”

“What for?” Pig asked.

“To make the medicine up into pills with.” Monkey replied.


Output: “Brother,” said Friar Sand with a smile, “this is no joking matter. Horse piss stinks. You can’t use it in medicine. I’ve only seen vinegar paste, old rice paste, refined honey and clean water used for making pills. Who ever heard of horse piss used to make pills? It’s got a terrible stink. Anyone with a weak spleen would throw up at the first sniff. If he goes on and takes the rhubarb and croton seeds he’ll be vomiting at one end and having the runs at the other. That’ll be no joke.”


Output:
“You don’t know the inside story,” said Monkey. “That horse of ours is no ordinary horse. He used to be a dragon in the Western Ocean. If he’ll give us some of his piss it’ll cure any illness you could have. My only worry is that he might refuse.” When Pig heard this he went and stood beside the horse, who was lying down asleep. The idiot kicked the horse till he got to his feet then pressed himself against the horse’s stomach for a very long time but without seeing any sign of piss. He ran back to Monkey to say, “Brother, never mind about treating the king. Hurry up and cure the horse. He’s done for: he’s dried right up. There’s no way we’re going to get a drop of piss out of him.”

“I’ll go with you,” smiled Monkey.

“I’ll come and have a look too,” said Friar Sand.


Output: When the three of them reached the horse he started to jump about and shout in human language at the top of his voice, “How can you be so ignorant, brother? I used to be a flying dragon in the Western Ocean. The Bodhisattva Guanyin saved me after I’d offended against the Heavenly Code. She sawed off my horns, removed my scales and turned me into a horse to carry the master to the Western Heaven to fetch the scriptures. This way I’ll be able to redeem my crimes. If I pissed into any river I was crossing the fish in the water would drink it and turn into dragons. The grass on any mountain we were going over that got a taste of it would become magic fungus for immortal boys to gather and give themselves eternal life. So of course I can’t casually drop it in a vulgar, worldly place like this.”


Output:
“Watch your words, brother,” said Monkey. “This is the city of a Western king, not some vulgar, worldly place. You wouldn’t be casually dropping it here. As the saying goes, many hands make light work. We’ve got to cure the king. When we do we’ll all be covered in glory. If we fail I’m afraid we won’t be able to leave this country with any credit.”

“Wait a moment,” the horse finally said. Look at him as he springs forward then squats back on his haunches, grinds his teeth noisily and only with the greatest strain manages to squeeze out a few drops before standing up again.

“What a deadbeat,” said Pig. “You could give us a few more even if they were drops of gold.”

Seeing that the dish was now about a third full Monkey said, “That’ll do, that’ll do. Take it away.” Only then did Friar Sand feel cheerful.


Output:
The three of them then returned to the main hall, mixed the piss with the ingredients that had already been prepared, and rolled the mixture into three large round balls. “They’re too big, brothers,” said Monkey.

“They’re only walnut-sized,” Pig replied. “That wouldn’t be enough for a single mouthful if I were taking them.” The three disciples then put the pills into a large box and went to bed fully dressed.

It was soon dawn, and despite his sickness the king held court, asking the Tang Priest to come to see him and sending all his officials straight to the Hostel of Meeting to pay their respects to the holy monk, the Venerable

Sun, and fetch the medicine.

When the officials reached the hostel they prostrated themselves before Brother Monkey with the words, “His Majesty has sent us to pay our respects and fetch the miraculous medicine.” Monkey told Pig to fetch the box, which he opened and handed to the officials.


Output:
“What is this medicine called?” they asked. “We would like to be able to inform His Majesty when we see him.”

“It’s called Black Gold Elixir,” Monkey replied, at which Pig and Friar Sand had to hide their grins as they thought, “of course they’re black gold—they were made with soot scraped off cooking pots.”

“What should be taken with the pills to guide them on their way?” the officials asked.

“There are two kinds of guide that can be taken with them,” Monkey replied. “One’s easily got hold of. That is a decoction of six ingredients to be taken as a hot potion.”

“What six ingredients?” the officials asked.


Output:
“What six ingredients?” the officials asked.

“A fart from a flying crow,” Monkey replied, “piss from a carp in a fast-flowing stream, some of the face-powder used by the Queen Mother of the West, soot from elixir refined in Lord Lao’s furnace, three pieces of a worn-out head cloth of the Jade Emperor’s, and five whiskers from a trapped dragon’s beard. A decoction of those six ingredients taken with the pills would clear up your king’s illness straight away.”

When the officials heard this they replied, “Those are things that are not to be found in this world, so please tell us what the other guide is.”

“The pills should be taken with rootless water,” said Monkey.

“That’s very easily got hold of,” smiled the officials.

“How can you be so sure?” Monkey asked.


Output:
“How can you be so sure?” Monkey asked.

“We have a saying here,” the officials replied, “that if you need rootless water you take a bowl or a dish to a well or a stream, fill it with water, and hurry back with it. Don’t spill a drop, don’t look behind you, and give it to the patient to take with the medicine.”

“But well water and stream water both have roots,” Monkey said. “The rootless water I’m talking about has to fall from the sky and be drunk before it touches the ground. Only then can it be called rootless.”

“That’s easily got too,” the officials said. “The medicine shouldn’t be taken till the next cloudy, wet day.”

The officials then kowtowed to thank Monkey and took the medicine back with them to present to the king, who delightedly ordered his attendants to bring it to him.

“What are these pills?” he asked when he saw them.


Output:
“The holy monk says they are Black Gold Elixir and have to be taken with rootless water,” the officials replied. The king then sent some of his palace women to fetch rootless water.

“The holy monk says that rootless water can’t be got from wells or streams,” the officials said. “It has to be water that has come down from the sky and not yet touched the ground.” The king then ordered his aides to issue a decree inviting magicians to summon rain. The officials then issued a proclamation as the king had ordered.

Back in the hall of the Hostel of Meeting Brother Monkey said to Pig, “He must be given some rain now so he can take his medicine. This is very urgent. How are we going to get some? I reckon he’s a very virtuous and worthy king, so why don’t we help him get a little rainwater to take his medicine with?”

“But how are we going to help him get some rootless water?” Pig asked.