Model Responses

Below are two model responses to two different questions.

Read the two responses. Which one has good Coherence and cohesion and which one has excellent Coherence and cohesion? (Some linkers and pronoun references have been highlighted to help you).

You can view the public band descriptors for Task 2 here.

Question 1

Some people think that success is mainly measured by how much money a person has.

To what extent do you agree?

Question 2

Some people say that the Internet is responsible for destroying social skills of teenagers and young adults.

What impact does the internet have on the social skills of teenagers and young adults and what can be done to make sure that it does not harm their social development?

Response 1

In this economic society, money is vital for everyone’s daily life. Although being rich is usually considered as a symbol of success, I will argue that having money is not the main way to measure success.

Firstly, relationships have a significant impact on achieving success. The majority of people need solid and committed relationships, such as family and friends. For instance, some businesss persons who are rich would suffer from loneliness if they do not have anyone to share their wealth. As a result, their achievements in business cannot be regarded and success without companions.

Moreover, having good health is another aspect of success. Even though some people, who are able to earn a large amount of money, can accept the most advanced treatment, it can also become helpless when facing the uncured disease, such as cancer. For instance, the former Apple CEO Steven Jobs had a noticeable success in his career, with a lot of property, unfortunately, he passed by because of cancer. Therefore, having a healthy life is also important for people who is chasing for success. In addition, another measure of success is being happy. If a man is poor, but happy with their life and their job, then there is no doubt that they are successful in life.

On the other hand, possessing a large amount of money might be perceived as a symbol of success, which can be reflected on high quality life of and self-actualisation. Firstly, wealth provides upper class more access to high-level social resources, such as living well-furnitured houses and driving sports cars. Secondly, comparing with lower class, it is possible to the reach to devote themselves to various dreams without worry about survival.

In conclusion, the acquisition of large amounts of money can be perceived as successful in terms of material conditions. However, in my opinion the achievement of other areas, such as harmonious relationships and good health, is absolutely more meaningful and successful for human beings. Therefore, in order to achieve success, it is recommended that people pay more attention to relationships and health.

Response 2

Since its invention, the Internet has changed the way people interact. Many people argue that it has had a negative influence on the way teenagers and young adults communicate. This essay will explain how the internet negatively affects the development of young people’s social skills and will suggest how its influence can be reduced.

The Internet can lead to a lack of social skills for young people in two ways. Firstly, as an activity which is usually done alone, frequent use of the Internet can lead to a sense of loneliness and detachment from the world. Teenagers are especially vulnerable to these feelings as they may not have developed strong peer groups and often lack emotional strength. Excessive use of the Internet could also lead to the inability to communicate effectively with other people in face-to-face situations and often comes at the expense of more social activities such as meeting with friends.

A sensible way to decrease the detrimental impact of the Internet on young people’s social development is to make sure they are not overusing it. Limits should be placed on the amount of Internet use and other forms of recreational activity should be encouraged. For instance, parents could allow their children to use the web for only one hour on weekday afternoons and balance this with participation in activities that promote social skills, such as joining youth or sports clubs. Such boundaries would ensure that teenagers are leading a balanced lifestyle and mixing with others.

In summary, it can be seen that over-exposure to the Internet can be dangerous to young people. Specifically, it can harm the development of their social skills at an important time in their lives. It is recommended that parents try to prevent this from happening by restricting their children’s internet usage. If a concerted effort is not made, a lack of social skills will become a major issue in our society.

Check Your Answers

Useful Tips

Accuracy

Check that your pronoun references are accurate. For example: check first, second, or third person? singular or plural? Check that your signposts express the correct relationship between sentences or paragraphs. For example: addition, contrast, similarity, examples.
Avoid Overuse of Signposts

It is not necessary to include a signpost (e.g. Firstly, In addition, Finally) at the beginning of every sentence. It is possible to overuse signpost words and sometimes the use of pronoun references are more appropriate.
Extend and Explain

Extend and explain your ideas so that they are easy for the reader to understand. This will improve the flow of your writing. You don’t want the reader to be wondering exactly what you mean.

Lesson 31, Topic 2

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Comparing Responses

Comparing Responses

Model Responses

Check Your Answers

Useful Tips

Accuracy

Avoid Overuse of Signposts

Extend and Explain