diff --git "a/guide1.txt" "b/guide1.txt" deleted file mode 100644--- "a/guide1.txt" +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7459 +0,0 @@ -Book 1 -PD: OS -Subject: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (englisch) - - - - Douglas Adams - - The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - - -================================================================= - -Douglas Adams The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy -Douglas Adams The Restaurant at the End of the Universe -Douglas Adams Life, the Universe, and Everything -Douglas Adams So long, and thanks for all the fish - -================================================================= - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - -for - -Jonny Brock and Clare Gorst - -and all other Arlingtonians - -for tea, sympathy, and a sofa - -================================================================= -Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of -the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded -yellow sun. - -Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles -is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape- -descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still -think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. - -This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most -of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. -Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these -were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces -of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small -green pieces of paper that were unhappy. - -And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and -most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches. - -Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big -mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And -some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no -one should ever have left the oceans. - -And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man -had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be -nice to people for a change, one girl sitting on her own in a -small cafe in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that -had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the -world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was -right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to -anything. - -Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone -about it, a terribly stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea -was lost forever. - -This is not her story. - -But it is the story of that terrible stupid catastrophe and some -of its consequences. - -It is also the story of a book, a book called The Hitch Hiker's -Guide to the Galaxy - not an Earth book, never published on -Earth, and until the terrible catastrophe occurred, never seen or -heard of by any Earthman. - -Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book. - -in fact it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out -of the great publishing houses of Ursa Minor - of which no -Earthman had ever heard either. - -Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly -successful one - more popular than the Celestial Home Care -Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero -Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of -philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of -God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway? - -In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern -Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker's Guide has already supplanted -the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of -all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and -contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, -it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important -respects. - -First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words -Don't Panic inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover. - -But the story of this terrible, stupid Thursday, the story of its -extraordinary consequences, and the story of how these -consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable -book begins very simply. - -It begins with a house. - -================================================================= -Chapter 1 - -The house stood on a slight rise just on the edge of the village. -It stood on its own and looked over a broad spread of West -Country farmland. Not a remarkable house by any means - it was -about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of brick, and -had four windows set in the front of a size and proportion which -more or less exactly failed to please the eye. - -The only person for whom the house was in any way special was -Arthur Dent, and that was only because it happened to be the one -he lived in. He had lived in it for about three years, ever since -he had moved out of London because it made him nervous and -irritable. He was about thirty as well, dark haired and never -quite at ease with himself. The thing that used to worry him most -was the fact that people always used to ask him what he was -looking so worried about. He worked in local radio which he -always used to tell his friends was a lot more interesting than -they probably thought. It was, too - most of his friends worked -in advertising. - -It hadn't properly registered with Arthur that the council wanted -to knock down his house and build an bypass instead. - -At eight o'clock on Thursday morning Arthur didn't feel very -good. He woke up blearily, got up, wandered blearily round his -room, opened a window, saw a bulldozer, found his slippers, and -stomped off to the bathroom to wash. - -Toothpaste on the brush - so. Scrub. - -Shaving mirror - pointing at the ceiling. He adjusted it. For a -moment it reflected a second bulldozer through the bathroom -window. Properly adjusted, it reflected Arthur Dent's bristles. -He shaved them off, washed, dried, and stomped off to the kitchen -to find something pleasant to put in his mouth. - -Kettle, plug, fridge, milk, coffee. Yawn. - -The word bulldozer wandered through his mind for a moment in -search of something to connect with. - -The bulldozer outside the kitchen window was quite a big one. - -He stared at it. - -"Yellow," he thought and stomped off back to his bedroom to get -dressed. - -Passing the bathroom he stopped to drink a large glass of water, -and another. He began to suspect that he was hung over. Why was -he hung over? Had he been drinking the night before? He supposed -that he must have been. He caught a glint in the shaving mirror. -"Yellow," he thought and stomped on to the bedroom. - -He stood and thought. The pub, he thought. Oh dear, the pub. He -vaguely remembered being angry, angry about something that seemed -important. He'd been telling people about it, telling people -about it at great length, he rather suspected: his clearest -visual recollection was of glazed looks on other people's faces. -Something about a new bypass he had just found out about. It had -been in the pipeline for months only no one seemed to have known -about it. Ridiculous. He took a swig of water. It would sort -itself out, he'd decided, no one wanted a bypass, the council -didn't have a leg to stand on. It would sort itself out. - -God what a terrible hangover it had earned him though. He looked -at himself in the wardrobe mirror. He stuck out his tongue. -"Yellow," he thought. The word yellow wandered through his mind -in search of something to connect with. - -Fifteen seconds later he was out of the house and lying in front -of a big yellow bulldozer that was advancing up his garden path. - -Mr L Prosser was, as they say, only human. In other words he was -a carbon-based life form descended from an ape. More specifically -he was forty, fat and shabby and worked for the local council. -Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct -male-line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening -generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he -had no discernible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only -vestiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a -pronounced stoutness about the tum and a predilection for little -fur hats. - -He was by no means a great warrior: in fact he was a nervous -worried man. Today he was particularly nervous and worried -because something had gone seriously wrong with his job - which -was to see that Arthur Dent's house got cleared out of the way -before the day was out. - -"Come off it, Mr Dent,", he said, "you can't win you know. You -can't lie in front of the bulldozer indefinitely." He tried to -make his eyes blaze fiercely but they just wouldn't do it. - -Arthur lay in the mud and squelched at him. - -"I'm game," he said, "we'll see who rusts first." - -"I'm afraid you're going to have to accept it," said Mr Prosser -gripping his fur hat and rolling it round the top of his head, -"this bypass has got to be built and it's going to be built!" - -"First I've heard of it," said Arthur, "why's it going to be -built?" - -Mr Prosser shook his finger at him for a bit, then stopped and -put it away again. - -"What do you mean, why's it got to be built?" he said. "It's a -bypass. You've got to build bypasses." - -Bypasses are devices which allow some people to drive from point -A to point B very fast whilst other people dash from point B to -point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point -directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great -about point A that so many people of point B are so keen to get -there, and what's so great about point B that so many people of -point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people -would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted -to be. - -Mr Prosser wanted to be at point D. Point D wasn't anywhere in -particular, it was just any convenient point a very long way from -points A, B and C. He would have a nice little cottage at point -D, with axes over the door, and spend a pleasant amount of time -at point E, which would be the nearest pub to point D. His wife -of course wanted climbing roses, but he wanted axes. He didn't -know why - he just liked axes. He flushed hotly under the -derisive grins of the bulldozer drivers. - -He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally -uncomfortable on each. Obviously somebody had been appallingly -incompetent and he hoped to God it wasn't him. - -Mr Prosser said: "You were quite entitled to make any suggestions -or protests at the appropriate time you know." - -"Appropriate time?" hooted Arthur. "Appropriate time? The first I -knew about it was when a workman arrived at my home yesterday. I -asked him if he'd come to clean the windows and he said no he'd -come to demolish the house. He didn't tell me straight away of -course. Oh no. First he wiped a couple of windows and charged me -a fiver. Then he told me." - -"But Mr Dent, the plans have been available in the local planning -office for the last nine month." - -"Oh yes, well as soon as I heard I went straight round to see -them, yesterday afternoon. You hadn't exactly gone out of your -way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually -telling anybody or anything." - -"But the plans were on display ..." - -"On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find -them." - -"That's the display department." - -"With a torch." - -"Ah, well the lights had probably gone." - -"So had the stairs." - -"But look, you found the notice didn't you?" - -"Yes," said Arthur, "yes I did. It was on display in the bottom -of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a -sign on the door saying Beware of the Leopard." - -A cloud passed overhead. It cast a shadow over Arthur Dent as he -lay propped up on his elbow in the cold mud. It cast a shadow -over Arthur Dent's house. Mr Prosser frowned at it. - -"It's not as if it's a particularly nice house," he said. - -"I'm sorry, but I happen to like it." - -"You'll like the bypass." - -"Oh shut up," said Arthur Dent. "Shut up and go away, and take -your bloody bypass with you. You haven't got a leg to stand on -and you know it." - -Mr Prosser's mouth opened and closed a couple of times while his -mind was for a moment filled with inexplicable but terribly -attractive visions of Arthur Dent's house being consumed with -fire and Arthur himself running screaming from the blazing ruin -with at least three hefty spears protruding from his back. Mr -Prosser was often bothered with visions like these and they made -him feel very nervous. He stuttered for a moment and then pulled -himself together. - -"Mr Dent," he said. - -"Hello? Yes?" said Arthur. - -"Some factual information for you. Have you any idea how much -damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight -over you?" - -"How much?" said Arthur. - -"None at all," said Mr Prosser, and stormed nervously off -wondering why his brain was filled with a thousand hairy horsemen -all shouting at him. - -By a curious coincidence, None at all is exactly how much -suspicion the ape-descendant Arthur Dent had that one of his -closest friends was not descended from an ape, but was in fact -from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from -Guildford as he usually claimed. - -Arthur Dent had never, ever suspected this. - -This friend of his had first arrived on the planet some fifteen -Earth years previously, and he had worked hard to blend himself -into Earth society - with, it must be said, some success. For -instance he had spent those fifteen years pretending to be an out -of work actor, which was plausible enough. - -He had made one careless blunder though, because he had skimped a -bit on his preparatory research. The information he had gathered -had led him to choose the name "Ford Prefect" as being nicely -inconspicuous. - -He was not conspicuously tall, his features were striking but not -conspicuously handsome. His hair was wiry and gingerish and -brushed backwards from the temples. His skin seemed to be pulled -backwards from the nose. There was something very slightly odd -about him, but it was difficult to say what it was. Perhaps it -was that his eyes didn't blink often enough and when you talked -to him for any length of time your eyes began involuntarily to -water on his behalf. Perhaps it was that he smiled slightly too -broadly and gave people the unnerving impression that he was -about to go for their neck. - -He struck most of the friends he had made on Earth as an -eccentric, but a harmless one -- an unruly boozer with some -oddish habits. For instance he would often gatecrash university -parties, get badly drunk and start making fun of any -astrophysicist he could find till he got thrown out. - -Sometimes he would get seized with oddly distracted moods and -stare into the sky as if hypnotized until someone asked him what -he was doing. Then he would start guiltily for a moment, relax -and grin. - -"Oh, just looking for flying saucers," he would joke and everyone -would laugh and ask him what sort of flying saucers he was -looking for. - -"Green ones!" he would reply with a wicked grin, laugh wildly for -a moment and then suddenly lunge for the nearest bar and buy an -enormous round of drinks. - -Evenings like this usually ended badly. Ford would get out of his -skull on whisky, huddle into a corner with some girl and explain -to her in slurred phrases that honestly the colour of the flying -saucers didn't matter that much really. - -Thereafter, staggering semi-paralytic down the night streets he -would often ask passing policemen if they knew the way to -Betelgeuse. The policemen would usually say something like, -"Don't you think it's about time you went off home sir?" - -"I'm trying to baby, I'm trying to," is what Ford invariably -replied on these occasions. - -In fact what he was really looking out for when he stared -distractedly into the night sky was any kind of flying saucer at -all. The reason he said green was that green was the traditional -space livery of the Betelgeuse trading scouts. - -Ford Prefect was desperate that any flying saucer at all would -arrive soon because fifteen years was a long time to get stranded -anywhere, particularly somewhere as mindboggingly dull as the -Earth. - -Ford wished that a flying saucer would arrive soon because he -knew how to flag flying saucers down and get lifts from them. He -knew how to see the Marvels of the Universe for less than thirty -Altairan dollars a day. - -In fact, Ford Prefect was a roving researcher for that wholly -remarkable book The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. - -Human beings are great adaptors, and by lunchtime life in the -environs of Arthur's house had settled into a steady routine. It -was Arthur's accepted role to lie squelching in the mud making -occasional demands to see his lawyer, his mother or a good book; -it was Mr Prosser's accepted role to tackle Arthur with the -occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk, the -March of Progress talk, the They Knocked My House Down Once You -Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other cajoleries and -threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to sit -around drinking coffee and experimenting with union regulations -to see how they could turn the situation to their financial -advantage. - -The Earth moved slowly in its diurnal course. - -The sun was beginning to dry out the mud Arthur lay in. - -A shadow moved across him again. - -"Hello Arthur," said the shadow. - -Arthur looked up and squinting into the sun was startled to see -Ford Prefect standing above him. - -"Ford! Hello, how are you?" - -"Fine," said Ford, "look, are you busy?" - -"Am I busy?" exclaimed Arthur. "Well, I've just got all these -bulldozers and things to lie in front of because they'll knock my -house down if I don't, but other than that ... well, no not -especially, why?" - -They don't have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford Prefect often -failed to notice it unless he was concentrating. He said, "Good, -is there anywhere we can talk?" - -"What?" said Arthur Dent. - -For a few seconds Ford seemed to ignore him, and stared fixedly -into the sky like a rabbit trying to get run over by a car. Then -suddenly he squatted down beside Arthur. - -"We've got to talk," he said urgently. - -"Fine," said Arthur, "talk." - -"And drink," said Ford. "It's vitally important that we talk and -drink. Now. We'll go to the pub in the village." - -He looked into the sky again, nervous, expectant. - -"Look, don't you understand?" shouted Arthur. He pointed at -Prosser. "That man wants to knock my house down!" - -Ford glanced at him, puzzled. - -"Well he can do it while you're away can't he?" he asked. - -"But I don't want him to!" - -"Ah." - -"Look, what's the matter with you Ford?" said Arthur. - -"Nothing. Nothing's the matter. Listen to me - I've got to tell -you the most important thing you've ever heard. I've got to tell -you now, and I've got to tell you in the saloon bar of the Horse -and Groom." - -"But why?" - -"Because you are going to need a very stiff drink." - -Ford stared at Arthur, and Arthur was astonished to find that his -will was beginning to weaken. He didn't realize that this was -because of an old drinking game that Ford learned to play in the -hyperspace ports that served the madranite mining belts in the -star system of Orion Beta. - -The game was not unlike the Earth game called Indian Wrestling, -and was played like this: - -Two contestants would sit either side of a table, with a glass in -front of each of them. - -Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit (as -immortalized in that ancient Orion mining song "Oh don't give me -none more of that Old Janx Spirit/ No, don't you give me none -more of that Old Janx Spirit/ For my head will fly, my tongue -will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die/ Won't you pour me one -more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit"). - -Each of the two contestants would then concentrate their will on -the bottle and attempt to tip it and pour spirit into the glass -of his opponent - who would then have to drink it. - -The bottle would then be refilled. The game would be played -again. And again. - -Once you started to lose you would probably keep losing, because -one of the effects of Janx spirit is to depress telepsychic -power. - -As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final -loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was usually -obscenely biological. - -Ford Prefect usually played to lose. - -Ford stared at Arthur, who began to think that perhaps he did -want to go to the Horse and Groom after all. - -"But what about my house ...?" he asked plaintively. - -Ford looked across to Mr Prosser, and suddenly a wicked thought -struck him. - -"He wants to knock your house down?" - -"Yes, he wants to build ..." - -"And he can't because you're lying in front of the bulldozers?" - -"Yes, and ..." - -"I'm sure we can come to some arrangement," said Ford. "Excuse -me!" he shouted. - -Mr Prosser (who was arguing with a spokesman for the bulldozer -drivers about whether or not Arthur Dent constituted a mental -health hazard, and how much they should get paid if he did) -looked around. He was surprised and slightly alarmed to find that -Arthur had company. - -"Yes? Hello?" he called. "Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet?" - -"Can we for the moment," called Ford, "assume that he hasn't?" - -"Well?" sighed Mr Prosser. - -"And can we also assume," said Ford, "that he's going to be -staying here all day?" - -"So?" - -"So all your men are going to be standing around all day doing -nothing?" - -"Could be, could be ..." - -"Well, if you're resigned to doing that anyway, you don't -actually need him to lie here all the time do you?" - -"What?" - -"You don't," said Ford patiently, "actually need him here." - -Mr Prosser thought about this. - -"Well no, not as such...", he said, "not exactly need ..." -Prosser was worried. He thought that one of them wasn't making a -lot of sense. - -Ford said, "So if you would just like to take it as read that -he's actually here, then he and I could slip off down to the pub -for half an hour. How does that sound?" - -Mr Prosser thought it sounded perfectly potty. - -"That sounds perfectly reasonable," he said in a reassuring tone -of voice, wondering who he was trying to reassure. - -"And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on," -said Ford, "we can always cover up for you in return." - -"Thank you very much," said Mr Prosser who no longer knew how to -play this at all, "thank you very much, yes, that's very kind -..." He frowned, then smiled, then tried to do both at once, -failed, grasped hold of his fur hat and rolled it fitfully round -the top of his head. He could only assume that he had just won. - -"So," continued Ford Prefect, "if you would just like to come -over here and lie down ..." - -"What?" said Mr Prosser. - -"Ah, I'm sorry," said Ford, "perhaps I hadn't made myself fully -clear. Somebody's got to lie in front of the bulldozers haven't -they? Or there won't be anything to stop them driving into Mr -Dent's house will there?" - -"What?" said Mr Prosser again. - -"It's very simple," said Ford, "my client, Mr Dent, says that he -will stop lying here in the mud on the sole condition that you -come and take over from him." - -"What are you talking about?" said Arthur, but Ford nudged him -with his shoe to be quiet. - -"You want me," said Mr Prosser, spelling out this new thought to -himself, "to come and lie there ..." - -"Yes." - -"In front of the bulldozer?" - -"Yes." - -"Instead of Mr Dent." - -"Yes." - -"In the mud." - -"In, as you say it, the mud." - -As soon as Mr Prosser realized that he was substantially the -loser after all, it was as if a weight lifted itself off his -shoulders: this was more like the world as he knew it. He sighed. - -"In return for which you will take Mr Dent with you down to the -pub?" - -"That's it," said Ford. "That's it exactly." - -Mr Prosser took a few nervous steps forward and stopped. - -"Promise?" - -"Promise," said Ford. He turned to Arthur. - -"Come on," he said to him, "get up and let the man lie down." - -Arthur stood up, feeling as if he was in a dream. - -Ford beckoned to Prosser who sadly, awkwardly, sat down in the -mud. He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he -sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying -it. The mud folded itself round his bottom and his arms and oozed -into his shoes. - -Ford looked at him severely. - -"And no sneaky knocking down Mr Dent's house whilst he's away, -alright?" he said. - -"The mere thought," growled Mr Prosser, "hadn't even begun to -speculate," he continued, settling himself back, "about the -merest possibility of crossing my mind." - -He saw the bulldozer driver's union representative approaching -and let his head sink back and closed his eyes. He was trying to -marshal his arguments for proving that he did not now constitute -a mental health hazard himself. He was far from certain about -this - his mind seemed to be full of noise, horses, smoke, and -the stench of blood. This always happened when he felt miserable -and put upon, and he had never been able to explain it to -himself. In a high dimension of which we know nothing the mighty -Khan bellowed with rage, but Mr Prosser only trembled slightly -and whimpered. He began to fell little pricks of water behind the -eyelids. Bureaucratic cock-ups, angry men lying in the mud, -indecipherable strangers handing out inexplicable humiliations -and an unidentified army of horsemen laughing at him in his head -- what a day. - -What a day. Ford Prefect knew that it didn't matter a pair of -dingo's kidneys whether Arthur's house got knocked down or not -now. - -Arthur remained very worried. - -"But can we trust him?" he said. - -"Myself I'd trust him to the end of the Earth," said Ford. - -"Oh yes," said Arthur, "and how far's that?" - -"About twelve minutes away," said Ford, "come on, I need a -drink." - -================================================================= -Chapter 2 - -Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. -It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by -the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect -on certain carbon-based life forms. - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It -says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle -Blaster. - -It says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like -having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round -a large gold brick. - -The Guide also tells you on which planets the best Pan Galactic -Gargle Blasters are mixed, how much you can expect to pay for one -and what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate -afterwards. - -The Guide even tells you how you can mix one yourself. - -Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit, it says. - -Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V -- Oh that Santraginean sea water, it says. Oh those Santraginean -fish!!! - -Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture -(it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost). - -Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in -memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the -Marshes of Fallia. - -Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin -Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark -Qualactin Zones, subtle sweet and mystic. - -Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, -spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of -the drink. - -Sprinkle Zamphuor. - -Add an olive. - -Drink ... but ... very carefully ... - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy sells rather better than -the Encyclopedia Galactica. - -"Six pints of bitter," said Ford Prefect to the barman of the -Horse and Groom. "And quickly please, the world's about to end." - -The barman of the Horse and Groom didn't deserve this sort of -treatment, he was a dignified old man. He pushed his glasses up -his nose and blinked at Ford Prefect. Ford ignored him and stared -out of the window, so the barman looked instead at Arthur who -shrugged helplessly and said nothing. - -So the barman said, "Oh yes sir? Nice weather for it," and -started pulling pints. - -He tried again. - -"Going to watch the match this afternoon then?" - -Ford glanced round at him. - -"No, no point," he said, and looked back out of the window. - -"What's that, foregone conclusion then you reckon sir?" said the -barman. "Arsenal without a chance?" - -"No, no," said Ford, "it's just that the world's about to end." - -"Oh yes sir, so you said," said the barman, looking over his -glasses this time at Arthur. "Lucky escape for Arsenal if it -did." - -Ford looked back at him, genuinely surprised. - -"No, not really," he said. He frowned. - -The barman breathed in heavily. "There you are sir, six pints," -he said. - -Arthur smiled at him wanly and shrugged again. He turned and -smiled wanly at the rest of the pub just in case any of them had -heard what was going on. - -None of them had, and none of them could understand what he was -smiling at them for. - -A man sitting next to Ford at the bar looked at the two men, -looked at the six pints, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, -arrived at an answer he liked and grinned a stupid hopeful grin -at them. - -"Get off," said Ford, "They're ours," giving him a look that -would have an Algolian Suntiger get on with what it was doing. - -Ford slapped a five-pound note on the bar. He said, "Keep the -change." - -"What, from a fiver? Thank you sir." - -"You've got ten minutes left to spend it." - -The barman simply decided to walk away for a bit. - -"Ford," said Arthur, "would you please tell me what the hell is -going on?" - -"Drink up," said Ford, "you've got three pints to get through." - -"Three pints?" said Arthur. "At lunchtime?" - -The man next to ford grinned and nodded happily. Ford ignored -him. He said, "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." - -"Very deep," said Arthur, "you should send that in to the -Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you." - -"Drink up." - -"Why three pints all of a sudden?" - -"Muscle relaxant, you'll need it." - -"Muscle relaxant?" - -"Muscle relaxant." - -Arthur stared into his beer. - -"Did I do anything wrong today," he said, "or has the world -always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to -notice?" - -"Alright," said Ford, "I'll try to explain. How long have we -known each other?" - -"How long?" Arthur thought. "Er, about five years, maybe six," he -said. "Most of it seemed to make some sense at the time." - -"Alright," said Ford. "How would you react if I said that I'm not -from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in -the vicinity of Betelgeuse?" - -Arthur shrugged in a so-so sort of way. - -"I don't know," he said, taking a pull of beer. "Why - do you -think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?" - -Ford gave up. It really wasn't worth bothering at the moment, -what with the world being about to end. He just said: - -"Drink up." - -He added, perfectly factually: - -"The world's about to end." - -Arthur gave the rest of the pub another wan smile. The rest of -the pub frowned at him. A man waved at him to stop smiling at -them and mind his own business. - -"This must be Thursday," said Arthur musing to himself, sinking -low over his beer, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays." - -================================================================= -Chapter 3 - -On this particular Thursday, something was moving quietly through -the ionosphere many miles above the surface of the planet; -several somethings in fact, several dozen huge yellow chunky -slablike somethings, huge as office buildings, silent as birds. -They soared with ease, basking in electromagnetic rays from the -star Sol, biding their time, grouping, preparing. - -The planet beneath them was almost perfectly oblivious of their -presence, which was just how they wanted it for the moment. The -huge yellow somethings went unnoticed at Goonhilly, they passed -over Cape Canaveral without a blip, Woomera and Jodrell Bank -looked straight through them - which was a pity because it was -exactly the sort of thing they'd been looking for all these -years. - -The only place they registered at all was on a small black device -called a Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic which winked away quietly to -itself. It nestled in the darkness inside a leather satchel which -Ford Prefect wore habitually round his neck. The contents of Ford -Prefect's satchel were quite interesting in fact and would have -made any Earth physicist's eyes pop out of his head, which is why -he always concealed them by keeping a couple of dog-eared scripts -for plays he pretended he was auditioning for stuffed in the top. -Besides the Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic and the scripts he had an -Electronic Thumb - a short squat black rod, smooth and matt with -a couple of flat switches and dials at one end; he also had a -device which looked rather like a largish electronic calculator. -This had about a hundred tiny flat press buttons and a screen -about four inches square on which any one of a million "pages" -could be summoned at a moment's notice. It looked insanely -complicated, and this was one of the reasons why the snug plastic -cover it fitted into had the words Don't Panic printed on it in -large friendly letters. The other reason was that this device was -in fact that most remarkable of all books ever to come out of the -great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor - The Hitch Hiker's -Guide to the Galaxy. The reason why it was published in the form -of a micro sub meson electronic component is that if it were -printed in normal book form, an interstellar hitch hiker would -require several inconveniently large buildings to carry it around -in. - -Beneath that in Ford Prefect's satchel were a few biros, a -notepad, and a largish bath towel from Marks and Spencer. - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on -the subject of towels. - -A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an -interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical -value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across -the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant -marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea -vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so -redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini -raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- -hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or -to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a -mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, -it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can -wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of -course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean -enough. - -More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For -some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a -hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume -that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, -soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat -spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the -strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a -dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have -"lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch -the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle -against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his -towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with. - -Hence a phrase which has passed into hitch hiking slang, as in -"Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who -really knows where his towel is." (Sass: know, be aware of, meet, -have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really -amazingly together guy.) - -Nestling quietly on top of the towel in Ford Prefect's satchel, -the Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic began to wink more quickly. Miles above -the surface of the planet the huge yellow somethings began to fan -out. At Jodrell Bank, someone decided it was time for a nice -relaxing cup of tea. - -"You got a towel with you?" said Ford Prefect suddenly to Arthur. - -Arthur, struggling through his third pint, looked round at him. - -"Why? What, no ... should I have?" He had given up being -surprised, there didn't seem to be any point any longer. - -Ford clicked his tongue in irritation. - -"Drink up," he urged. - -At that moment the dull sound of a rumbling crash from outside -filtered through the low murmur of the pub, through the sound of -the jukebox, through the sound of the man next to Ford hiccupping -over the whisky Ford had eventually bought him. - -Arthur choked on his beer, leapt to his feet. - -"What's that?" he yelped. - -"Don't worry," said Ford, "they haven't started yet." - -"Thank God for that," said Arthur and relaxed. - -"It's probably just your house being knocked down," said Ford, -drowning his last pint. - -"What?" shouted Arthur. Suddenly Ford's spell was broken. Arthur -looked wildly around him and ran to the window. - -"My God they are! They're knocking my house down. What the hell -am I doing in the pub, Ford?" - -"It hardly makes any difference at this stage," said Ford, "let -them have their fun." - -"Fun?" yelped Arthur. "Fun!" He quickly checked out of the window -again that they were talking about the same thing. - -"Damn their fun!" he hooted and ran out of the pub furiously -waving a nearly empty beer glass. He made no friends at all in -the pub that lunchtime. - -"Stop, you vandals! You home wreckers!" bawled Arthur. "You half -crazed Visigoths, stop will you!" - -Ford would have to go after him. Turning quickly to the barman he -asked for four packets of peanuts. - -"There you are sir," said the barman, slapping the packets on the -bar, "twenty-eight pence if you'd be so kind." - -Ford was very kind - he gave the barman another five-pound note -and told him to keep the change. The barman looked at it and then -looked at Ford. He suddenly shivered: he experienced a momentary -sensation that he didn't understand because no one on Earth had -ever experienced it before. In moments of great stress, every -life form that exists gives out a tiny sublimal signal. This -signal simply communicates an exact and almost pathetic sense of -how far that being is from the place of his birth. On Earth it is -never possible to be further than sixteen thousand miles from -your birthplace, which really isn't very far, so such signals are -too minute to be noticed. Ford Prefect was at this moment under -great stress, and he was born 600 light years away in the near -vicinity of Betelgeuse. - -The barman reeled for a moment, hit by a shocking, -incomprehensible sense of distance. He didn't know what it meant, -but he looked at Ford Prefect with a new sense of respect, almost -awe. - -"Are you serious, sir?" he said in a small whisper which had the -effect of silencing the pub. "You think the world's going to -end?" - -"Yes," said Ford. - -"But, this afternoon?" - -Ford had recovered himself. He was at his flippest. - -"Yes," he said gaily, "in less than two minutes I would -estimate." - -The barman couldn't believe the conversation he was having, but -he couldn't believe the sensation he had just had either. - -"Isn't there anything we can do about it then?" he said. - -"No, nothing," said Ford, stuffing the peanuts into his pockets. - -Someone in the hushed bar suddenly laughed raucously at how -stupid everyone had become. - -The man sitting next to Ford was a bit sozzled by now. His eyes -waved their way up to Ford. - -"I thought," he said, "that if the world was going to end we were -meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head or something." - -"If you like, yes," said Ford. - -"That's what they told us in the army," said the man, and his -eyes began the long trek back down to his whisky. - -"Will that help?" asked the barman. - -"No," said Ford and gave him a friendly smile. "Excuse me," he -said, "I've got to go." With a wave, he left. - -The pub was silent for a moment longer, and then, embarrassingly -enough, the man with the raucous laugh did it again. The girl he -had dragged along to the pub with him had grown to loathe him -dearly over the last hour or so, and it would probably have been -a great satisfaction to her to know that in a minute and a half -or so he would suddenly evaporate into a whiff of hydrogen, ozone -and carbon monoxide. However, when the moment came she would be -too busy evaporating herself to notice it. - -The barman cleared his throat. He heard himself say: - -"Last orders, please." - -The huge yellow machines began to sink downward and to move -faster. - -Ford knew they were there. This wasn't the way he had wanted it. - -Running up the lane, Arthur had nearly reached his house. He -didn't notice how cold it had suddenly become, he didn't notice -the wind, he didn't notice the sudden irrational squall of rain. -He didn't notice anything but the caterpillar bulldozers crawling -over the rubble that had been his home. - -"You barbarians!" he yelled. "I'll sue the council for every -penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And -whipped! And boiled ... until ... until ... until you've had -enough." - -Ford was running after him very fast. Very very fast. - -"And then I'll do it again!" yelled Arthur. "And when I've -finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on -them!" - -Arthur didn't notice that the men were running from the -bulldozers; he didn't notice that Mr Prosser was staring -hectically into the sky. What Mr Prosser had noticed was that -huge yellow somethings were screaming through the clouds. -Impossibly huge yellow somethings. - -"And I will carry on jumping on them," yelled Arthur, still -running, "until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even -more unpleasant to do, and then ..." - -Arthur tripped, and fell headlong, rolled and landed flat on his -back. At last he noticed that something was going on. His finger -shot upwards. - -"What the hell's that?" he shrieked. - -Whatever it was raced across the sky in monstrous yellowness, -tore the sky apart with mind-buggering noise and leapt off into -the distance leaving the gaping air to shut behind it with a bang -that drove your ears six feet into your skull. - -Another one followed and did the same thing only louder. - -It's difficult to say exactly what the people on the surface of -the planet were doing now, because they didn't really know what -they were doing themselves. None of it made a lot of sense - -running into houses, running out of houses, howling noiselessly -at the noise. All around the world city streets exploded with -people, cars slewed into each other as the noise fell on them and -then rolled off like a tidal wave over hills and valleys, deserts -and oceans, seeming to flatten everything it hit. - -Only one man stood and watched the sky, stood with terrible -sadness in his eyes and rubber bungs in his ears. He knew exactly -what was happening and had known ever since his Sub-Etha Sens-O- -Matic had started winking in the dead of night beside his pillar -and woken him with a start. It was what he had waited for all -these years, but when he had deciphered the signal pattern -sitting alone in his small dark room a coldness had gripped him -and squeezed his heart. Of all the races in all of the Galaxy who -could have come and said a big hello to planet Earth, he thought, -didn't it just have to be the Vogons. - -Still he knew what he had to do. As the Vogon craft screamed -through the air high above him he opened his satchel. He threw -away a copy of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, he -threw away a copy of Godspell: He wouldn't need them where he was -going. Everything was ready, everything was prepared. - -He knew where his towel was. - -A sudden silence hit the Earth. If anything it was worse than the -noise. For a while nothing happened. - -The great ships hung motionless in the air, over every nation on -Earth. Motionless they hung, huge, heavy, steady in the sky, a -blasphemy against nature. Many people went straight into shock as -their minds tried to encompass what they were looking at. The -ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. - -And still nothing happened. - -Then there was a slight whisper, a sudden spacious whisper of -open ambient sound. Every hi fi set in the world, every radio, -every television, every cassette recorder, every woofer, every -tweeter, every mid-range driver in the world quietly turned -itself on. - -Every tin can, every dust bin, every window, every car, every -wine glass, every sheet of rusty metal became activated as an -acoustically perfect sounding board. - -Before the Earth passed away it was going to be treated to the -very ultimate in sound reproduction, the greatest public address -system ever built. But there was no concert, no music, no -fanfare, just a simple message. - -"People of Earth, your attention please," a voice said, and it -was wonderful. Wonderful perfect quadrophonic sound with -distortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep. - -"This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace -Planning Council," the voice continued. "As you will no doubt be -aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the -Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route -through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of -those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly -less that two of your Earth minutes. Thank you." - -The PA died away. - -Uncomprehending terror settled on the watching people of Earth. -The terror moved slowly through the gathered crowds as if they -were iron fillings on a sheet of board and a magnet was moving -beneath them. Panic sprouted again, desperate fleeing panic, but -there was nowhere to flee to. - -Observing this, the Vogons turned on their PA again. It said: - -"There's no point in acting all surprised about it. All the -planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in -your local planning department on Alpha Centauri for fifty of -your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any -formal complaint and it's far too late to start making a fuss -about it now." - -The PA fell silent again and its echo drifted off across the -land. The huge ships turned slowly in the sky with easy power. On -the underside of each a hatchway opened, an empty black space. - -By this time somebody somewhere must have manned a radio -transmitter, located a wavelength and broadcasted a message back -to the Vogon ships, to plead on behalf of the planet. Nobody ever -heard what they said, they only heard the reply. The PA slammed -back into life again. The voice was annoyed. It said: - -"What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? For -heaven's sake mankind, it's only four light years away you know. -I'm sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in -local affairs that's your own lookout. - -"Energize the demolition beams." - -Light poured out into the hatchways. - -"I don't know," said the voice on the PA, "apathetic bloody -planet, I've no sympathy at all." It cut off. - -There was a terrible ghastly silence. - -There was a terrible ghastly noise. - -There was a terrible ghastly silence. - -The Vogon Constructor fleet coasted away into the inky starry -void. - -================================================================= -Chapter 4 - -Far away on the opposite spiral arm of the Galaxy, five hundred -thousand light years from the star Sol, Zaphod Beeblebrox, -President of the Imperial Galactic Government, sped across the -seas of Damogran, his ion drive delta boat winking and flashing -in the Damogran sun. - -Damogran the hot; Damogran the remote; Damogran the almost -totally unheard of. - -Damogran, secret home of the Heart of Gold. - -The boat sped on across the water. It would be some time before -it reached its destination because Damogran is such an -inconveniently arranged planet. It consists of nothing but -middling to large desert islands separated by very pretty but -annoyingly wide stretches of ocean. - -The boat sped on. - -Because of this topological awkwardness Damogran has always -remained a deserted planet. This is why the Imperial Galactic -Government chose Damogran for the Heart of Gold project, because -it was so deserted and the Heart of Gold was so secret. - -The boat zipped and skipped across the sea, the sea that lay -between the main islands of the only archipelago of any useful -size on the whole planet. Zaphod Beeblebrox was on his way from -the tiny spaceport on Easter Island (the name was an entirely -meaningless coincidence - in Galacticspeke, easter means small -flat and light brown) to the Heart of Gold island, which by -another meaningless coincidence was called France. - -One of the side effects of work on the Heart of Gold was a whole -string of pretty meaningless coincidences. - -But it was not in any way a coincidence that today, the day of -culmination of the project, the great day of unveiling, the day -that the Heart of Gold was finally to be introduced to a -marvelling Galaxy, was also a great day of culmination for Zaphod -Beeblebrox. It was for the sake of this day that he had first -decided to run for the Presidency, a decision which had sent -waves of astonishment throughout the Imperial Galaxy - Zaphod -Beeblebrox? President? Not the Zaphod Beeblebrox? Not the -President? Many had seen it as a clinching proof that the whole -of known creation had finally gone bananas. - -Zaphod grinned and gave the boat an extra kick of speed. - -Zaphod Beeblebrox, adventurer, ex-hippy, good timer, (crook? -quite possibly), manic self-publicist, terribly bad at personal -relationships, often thought to be completely out to lunch. - -President? - -No one had gone bananas, not in that way at least. - -Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the principle on -which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod -Beeblebrox had announced his intention to run as President it was -more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency -fodder*. - -What they completely failed to understand was why Zaphod was -doing it. - -He banked sharply, shooting a wild wall of water at the sun. - -Today was the day; today was the day when they would realize what -Zaphod had been up to. Today was what Zaphod Beeblebrox's -Presidency was all about. Today was also his two hundredth -birthday, but that was just another meaningless coincidence. - -As he skipped his boat across the seas of Damogran he smiled -quietly to himself about what a wonderful exciting day it was -going to be. He relaxed and spread his two arms lazily across the -seat back. He steered with an extra arm he'd recently fitted just -beneath his right one to help improve his ski-boxing. - -"Hey," he cooed to himself, "you're a real cool boy you." But his -nerves sang a song shriller than a dog whistle. - -The island of France was about twenty miles long, five miles -across the middle, sandy and crescent shaped. In fact it seemed -to exist not so much as an island in its own right as simply a -means of defining the sweep and curve of a huge bay. This -impression was heightened by the fact that the inner coastline of -the crescent consisted almost entirely of steep cliffs. From the -top of the cliff the land sloped slowly down five miles to the -opposite shore. - -On top of the cliffs stood a reception committee. - -It consisted in large part of the engineers and researchers who -had built the Heart of Gold - mostly humanoid, but here and there -were a few reptiloid atomineers, two or three green slyph-like -maximegalacticans, an octopoid physucturalist or two and a -Hooloovoo (a Hooloovoo is a super-intelligent shade of the color -blue). All except the Hooloovoo were resplendent in their multi- -colored ceremonial lab coats; the Hooloovoo had been temporarily -refracted into a free standing prism for the occasion. - -There was a mood of immense excitement thrilling through all of -them. Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the -furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental -fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of -possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement -of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his -neck. (An orange sash was what the President of the Galaxy -traditionally wore.) It might not even have made much difference -to them if they'd known exactly how much power the President of -the Galaxy actually wielded: none at all. Only six people in the -Galaxy knew that the job of the Galactic President was not to -wield power but to attract attention away from it. - -Zaphod Beeblebrox was amazingly good at his job. - -The crowd gasped, dazzled by sun and seemanship, as the -Presidential speedboat zipped round the headland into the bay. It -flashed and shone as it came skating over the sea in wide -skidding turns. - -In fact it didn't need to touch the water at all, because it was -supported on a hazy cushion of ionized atoms - but just for -effect it was fitted with thin finblades which could be lowered -into the water. They slashed sheets of water hissing into the -air, carved deep gashes into the sea which swayed crazily and -sank back foaming into the boat's wake as it careered across the -bay. - -Zaphod loved effect: it was what he was best at. - -He twisted the wheel sharply, the boat slewed round in a wild -scything skid beneath the cliff face and dropped to rest lightly -on the rocking waves. - -Within seconds he ran out onto the deck and waved and grinned at -over three billion people. The three billion people weren't -actually there, but they watched his every gesture through the -eyes of a small robot tri-D camera which hovered obsequiously in -the air nearby. The antics of the President always made amazingly -popular tri-D; that's what they were for. - -He grinned again. Three billion and six people didn't know it, -but today would be a bigger antic than anyone had bargained for. - -The robot camera homed in for a close up on the more popular of -his two heads and he waved again. He was roughly humanoid in -appearance except for the extra head and third arm. His fair -tousled hair stuck out in random directions, his blue eyes -glinted with something completely unidentifiable, and his chins -were almost always unshaven. - -A twenty-foot-high transparent globe floated next to his boat, -rolling and bobbing, glistening in the brilliant sun. Inside it -floated a wide semi-circular sofa upholstered in glorious red -leather: the more the globe bobbed and rolled, the more the sofa -stayed perfectly still, steady as an upholstered rock. Again, all -done for effect as much as anything. - -Zaphod stepped through the wall of the globe and relaxed on the -sofa. He spread his two arms lazily along the back and with the -third brushed some dust off his knee. His heads looked about, -smiling; he put his feet up. At any moment, he thought, he might -scream. - -Water boiled up beneath the bubble, it seethed and spouted. The -bubble surged into the air, bobbing and rolling on the water -spout. Up, up it climbed, throwing stilts of light at the cliff. -Up it surged on the jet, the water falling from beneath it, -crashing back into the sea hundreds of feet below. - -Zaphod smiled, picturing himself. - -A thoroughly ridiculous form of transport, but a thoroughly -beautiful one. - -At the top of the cliff the globe wavered for a moment, tipped on -to a railed ramp, rolled down it to a small concave platform and -riddled to a halt. - -To tremendous applause Zaphod Beeblebrox stepped out of the -bubble, his orange sash blazing in the light. - -The President of the Galaxy had arrived. - -He waited for the applause to die down, then raised his hands in -greeting. - -"Hi," he said. - -A government spider sidled up to him and attempted to press a -copy of his prepared speech into his hands. Pages three to seven -of the original version were at the moment floating soggily on -the Damogran sea some five miles out from the bay. Pages one and -two had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had -already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of -nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of -papier m@ch@ and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched -baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle -had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no -truck with it. - -Zaphod Beeblebrox would not be needing his set speech and he -gently deflected the one being offered him by the spider. - -"Hi," he said again. - -Everyone beamed at him, or, at least, nearly everyone. He singled -out Trillian from the crowd. Trillian was a gird that Zaphod had -picked up recently whilst visiting a planet, just for fun, -incognito. She was slim, darkish, humanoid, with long waves of -black hair, a full mouth, an odd little nob of a nose and -ridiculously brown eyes. With her red head scarf knotted in that -particular way and her long flowing silky brown dress she looked -vaguely Arabic. Not that anyone there had ever heard of an Arab -of course. The Arabs had very recently ceased to exist, and even -when they had existed they were five hundred thousand light years -from Damogran. Trillian wasn't anybody in particular, or so -Zaphod claimed. She just went around with him rather a lot and -told him what she thought of him. - -"Hi honey," he said to her. - -She flashed him a quick tight smile and looked away. Then she -looked back for a moment and smiled more warmly - but by this -time he was looking at something else. - -"Hi," he said to a small knot of creatures from the press who -were standing nearby wishing that he would stop saying Hi and get -on with the quotes. He grinned at them particularly because he -knew that in a few moments he would be giving them one hell of a -quote. - -The next thing he said though was not a lot of use to them. One -of the officials of the party had irritably decided that the -President was clearly not in a mood to read the deliciously -turned speech that had been written for him, and had flipped the -switch on the remote control device in his pocket. Away in front -of them a huge white dome that bulged against the sky cracked -down in the middle, split, and slowly folded itself down into the -ground. Everyone gasped although they had known perfectly well it -was going to do that because they had built it that way. - -Beneath it lay uncovered a huge starship, one hundred and fifty -metres long, shaped like a sleek running shoe, perfectly white -and mindboggingly beautiful. At the heart of it, unseen, lay a -small gold box which carried within it the most brain-wretching -device ever conceived, a device which made this starship unique -in the history of the galaxy, a device after which the ship had -been named - The Heart of Gold. - -"Wow", said Zaphod Beeblebrox to the Heart of Gold. There wasn't -much else he could say. - -He said it again because he knew it would annoy the press. - -"Wow." - -The crowd turned their faces back towards him expectantly. He -winked at Trillian who raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes -at him. She knew what he was about to say and thought him a -terrible showoff. - -"That is really amazing," he said. "That really is truly amazing. -That is so amazingly amazing I think I'd like to steal it." - -A marvellous Presidential quote, absolutely true to form. The -crowd laughed appreciatively, the newsmen gleefully punched -buttons on their Sub-Etha News-Matics and the President grinned. - -As he grinned his heart screamed unbearably and he fingered the -small Paralyso-Matic bomb that nestled quietly in his pocket. - -Finally he could bear it no more. He lifted his heads up to the -sky, let out a wild whoop in major thirds, threw the bomb to the -ground and ran forward through the sea of suddenly frozen smiles. - -================================================================= -Chapter 5 - -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was not a pleasant sight, even for other -Vogons. His highly domed nose rose high above a small piggy -forehead. His dark green rubbery skin was thick enough for him to -play the game of Vogon Civil Service politics, and play it well, -and waterproof enough for him to survive indefinitely at sea -depths of up to a thousand feet with no ill effects. - -Not that he ever went swimming of course. His busy schedule would -not allow it. He was the way he was because billions of years ago -when the Vogons had first crawled out of the sluggish primeval -seas of Vogsphere, and had lain panting and heaving on the -planet's virgin shores... when the first rays of the bright young -Vogsol sun had shone across them that morning, it was as if the -forces of evolution ad simply given up on them there and then, -had turned aside in disgust and written them off as an ugly and -unfortunate mistake. They never evolved again; they should never -have survived. - -The fact that they did is some kind of tribute to the thick- -willed slug-brained stubbornness of these creatures. Evolution? -they said to themselves, Who needs it?, and what nature refused -to do for them they simply did without until such time as they -were able to rectify the grosser anatomical inconveniences with -surgery. - -Meanwhile, the natural forces on the planet Vogsphere had been -working overtime to make up for their earlier blunder. They -brought forth scintillating jewelled scuttling crabs, which the -Vogons ate, smashing their shells with iron mallets; tall -aspiring trees with breathtaking slenderness and colour which the -Vogons cut down and burned the crab meat with; elegant gazelle- -like creatures with silken coats and dewy eyes which the Vogons -would catch and sit on. They were no use as transport because -their backs would snap instantly, but the Vogons sat on them -anyway. - -Thus the planet Vogsphere whiled away the unhappy millennia until -the Vogons suddenly discovered the principles of interstellar -travel. Within a few short Vog years every last Vogon had -migrated to the Megabrantis cluster, the political hub of the -Galaxy and now formed the immensely powerful backbone of the -Galactic Civil Service. They have attempted to acquire learning, -they have attempted to acquire style and social grace, but in -most respects the modern Vogon is little different from his -primitive forebears. Every year they import twenty-seven thousand -scintillating jewelled scuttling crabs from their native planet -and while away a happy drunken night smashing them to bits with -iron mallets. - -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was a fairly typical Vogon in that he was -thoroughly vile. Also, he did not like hitch hikers. - -Somewhere in a small dark cabin buried deep in the intestines of -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz's flagship, a small match flared -nervously. The owner of the match was not a Vogon, but he knew -all about them and was right to be nervous. His name was Ford -Prefect*. - -He looked about the cabin but could see very little; strange -monstrous shadows loomed and leaped with the tiny flickering -flame, but all was quiet. He breathed a silent thank you to the -Dentrassis. The Dentrassis are an unruly tribe of gourmands, a -wild but pleasant bunch whom the Vogons had recently taken to -employing as catering staff on their long haul fleets, on the -strict understanding that they keep themselves very much to -themselves. - -This suited the Dentrassis fine, because they loved Vogon money, -which is one of the hardest currencies in space, but loathed the -Vogons themselves. The only sort of Vogon a Dentrassi liked to -see was an annoyed Vogon. - -It was because of this tiny piece of information that Ford -Prefect was not now a whiff of hydrogen, ozone and carbon -monoxide. - -He heard a slight groan. By the light of the match he saw a heavy -shape moving slightly on the floor. Quickly he shook the match -out, reached in his pocket, found what he was looking for and -took it out. He crouched on the floor. The shape moved again. - -Ford Prefect said: "I bought some peanuts." - -Arthur Dent moved, and groaned again, muttering incoherently. - -"Here, have some," urged Ford, shaking the packet again, "if -you've never been through a matter transference beam before -you've probably lost some salt and protein. The beer you had -should have cushioned your system a bit." - -"Whhhrrrr..." said Arthur Dent. He opened his eyes. - -"It's dark," he said. - -"Yes," said Ford Prefect, "it's dark." - -"No light," said Arthur Dent. "Dark, no light." - -One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to -understand about human beings was their habit of continually -stating and repeating the obvious, as in It's a nice day, or -You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a -thirty-foot well, are you alright? At first Ford had formed a -theory to account for this strange behaviour. If human beings -don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths -probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and -observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If -they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their -brains start working. After a while he abandoned this one as well -as being obstructively cynical and decided he quite liked human -beings after all, but he always remained desperately worried -about the terrible number of things they didn't know about. - -"Yes," he agreed with Arthur, "no light." He helped Arthur to -some peanuts. "How do you feel?" he asked. - -"Like a military academy," said Arthur, "bits of me keep on -passing out." - -Ford stared at him blankly in the darkness. - -"If I asked you where the hell we were," said Arthur weakly, -"would I regret it?" - -Ford stood up. "We're safe," he said. - -"Oh good," said Arthur. - -"We're in a small galley cabin," said Ford, "in one of the -spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet." - -"Ah," said Arthur, "this is obviously some strange usage of the -word safe that I wasn't previously aware of." - -Ford struck another match to help him search for a light switch. -Monstrous shadows leaped and loomed again. Arthur struggled to -his feet and hugged himself apprehensively. Hideous alien shapes -seemed to throng about him, the air was thick with musty smells -which sidled into his lungs without identifying themselves, and a -low irritating hum kept his brain from focusing. - -"How did we get here?" he asked, shivering slightly. - -"We hitched a lift," said Ford. - -"Excuse me?" said Arthur. "Are you trying to tell me that we just -stuck out our thumbs and some green bug-eyed monster stuck his -head out and said, Hi fellas, hop right in. I can take you as far -as the Basingstoke roundabout?" - -"Well," said Ford, "the Thumb's an electronic sub-etha signalling -device, the roundabout's at Barnard's Star six light years away, -but otherwise, that's more or less right." - -"And the bug-eyed monster?" - -"Is green, yes." - -"Fine," said Arthur, "when can I get home?" - -"You can't," said Ford Prefect, and found the light switch. - -"Shade your eyes ..." he said, and turned it on. - -Even Ford was surprised. - -"Good grief," said Arthur, "is this really the interior of a -flying saucer?" - -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz heaved his unpleasant green body round the -control bridge. He always felt vaguely irritable after -demolishing populated planets. He wished that someone would come -and tell him that it was all wrong so that he could shout at them -and feel better. He flopped as heavily as he could on to his -control seat in the hope that it would break and give him -something to be genuinely angry about, but it only gave a -complaining sort of creak. - -"Go away!" he shouted at a young Vogon guard who entered the -bridge at that moment. The guard vanished immediately, feeling -rather relieved. He was glad it wouldn't now be him who delivered -the report they'd just received. The report was an official -release which said that a wonderful new form of spaceship drive -was at this moment being unveiled at a government research base -on Damogran which would henceforth make all hyperspatial express -routes unnecessary. - -Another door slid open, but this time the Vogon captain didn't -shout because it was the door from the galley quarters where the -Dentrassis prepared his meals. A meal would be most welcome. - -A huge furry creature bounded through the door with his lunch -tray. It was grinning like a maniac. - -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was delighted. He knew that when a -Dentrassi looked that pleased with itself there was something -going on somewhere on the ship that he could get very angry -indeed about. - -Ford and Arthur stared about them. - -"Well, what do you think?" said Ford. - -"It's a bit squalid, isn't it?" - -Ford frowned at the grubby mattress, unwashed cups and -unidentifiable bits of smelly alien underwear that lay around the -cramped cabin. - -"Well, this is a working ship, you see," said Ford. "These are -the Dentrassi sleeping quarters." - -"I thought you said they were called Vogons or something." - -"Yes," said Ford, "the Vogons run the ship, the Dentrassis are -the cooks, they let us on board." - -"I'm confused," said Arthur. - -"Here, have a look at this," said Ford. He sat down on one of the -mattresses and rummaged about in his satchel. Arthur prodded the -mattress nervously and then sat on it himself: in fact he had -very little to be nervous about, because all mattresses grown in -the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta are very thoroughly killed and -dried before being put to service. Very few have ever come to -life again. - -Ford handed the book to Arthur. - -"What is it?" asked Arthur. - -"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's a sort of electronic -book. It tells you everything you need to know about anything. -That's its job." - -Arthur turned it over nervously in his hands. - -"I like the cover," he said. "Don't Panic. It's the first helpful -or intelligible thing anybody's said to me all day." - -"I'll show you how it works," said Ford. He snatched it from -Arthur who was still holding it as if it was a two-week-dead lark -and pulled it out of its cover. - -"You press this button here you see and the screen lights up -giving you the index." - -A screen, about three inches by four, lit up and characters began -to flicker across the surface. - -"You want to know about Vogons, so I enter that name so." His -fingers tapped some more keys. "And there we are." - -The words Vogon Constructor Fleets flared in green across the -screen. - -Ford pressed a large red button at the bottom of the screen and -words began to undulate across it. At the same time, the book -began to speak the entry as well in a still quiet measured voice. -This is what the book said. - -"Vogon Constructor Fleets. Here is what to do if you want to get -a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most -unpleasant races in the Galaxy -- not actually evil, but bad -tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even -lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous -Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, -sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public -inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat and recycled -as firelighters. - -"The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your -finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to -feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. - -"On no account allow a Vogon to read poetry at you." - -Arthur blinked at it. - -"What a strange book. How did we get a lift then?" - -"That's the point, it's out of date now," said Ford, sliding the -book back into its cover. "I'm doing the field research for the -New Revised Edition, and one of the things I'll have to include -is a bit about how the Vogons now employ Dentrassi cooks which -gives us a rather useful little loophole." - -A pained expression crossed Arthur's face. "But who are the -Dentrassi?" he said. - -"Great guys," said Ford. "They're the best cooks and the best -drink mixers and they don't give a wet slap about anything else. -And they'll always help hitch hikers aboard, partly because they -like the company, but mostly because it annoys the Vogons. Which -is exactly the sort of thing you need to know if you're an -impoverished hitch hiker trying to see the marvels of the -Universe for less than thirty Altairan Dollars a day. And that's -my job. Fun, isn't it?" - -Arthur looked lost. - -"It's amazing," he said and frowned at one of the other -mattresses. - -"Unfortunately I got stuck on the Earth for rather longer than I -intended," said Ford. "I came for a week and got stuck for -fifteen years." - -"But how did you get there in the first place then?" - -"Easy, I got a lift with a teaser." - -"A teaser?" - -"Yeah." - -"Er, what is ..." - -"A teaser? Teasers are usually rich kids with nothing to do. They -cruise around looking for planets which haven't made interstellar -contact yet and buzz them." - -"Buzz them?" Arthur began to feel that Ford was enjoying making -life difficult for him. - -"Yeah", said Ford, "they buzz them. They find some isolated spot -with very few people around, then land right by some poor soul -whom no one's ever going to believe and then strut up and down in -front of him wearing silly antennae on their heads and making -beep beep noises. Rather childish really." Ford leant back on the -mattress with his hands behind his head and looked infuriatingly -pleased with himself. - -"Ford," insisted Arthur, "I don't know if this sounds like a -silly question, but what am I doing here?" - -"Well you know that," said Ford. "I rescued you from the Earth." - -"And what's happened to the Earth?" - -"Ah. It's been demolished." - -"Has it," said Arthur levelly. - -"Yes. It just boiled away into space." - -"Look," said Arthur, "I'm a bit upset about that." - -Ford frowned to himself and seemed to roll the thought around his -mind. - -"Yes, I can understand that," he said at last. - -"Understand that!" shouted Arthur. "Understand that!" - -Ford sprang up. - -"Keep looking at the book!" he hissed urgently. - -"What?" - -"Don't Panic." - -"I'm not panicking!" - -"Yes you are." - -"Alright so I'm panicking, what else is there to do?" - -"You just come along with me and have a good time. The Galaxy's a -fun place. You'll need to have this fish in your ear." - -"I beg your pardon?" asked Arthur, rather politely he thought. - -Ford was holding up a small glass jar which quite clearly had a -small yellow fish wriggling around in it. Arthur blinked at him. -He wished there was something simple and recognizable he could -grasp hold of. He would have felt safe if alongside the Dentrassi -underwear, the piles of Squornshellous mattresses and the man -from Betelgeuse holding up a small yellow fish and offering to -put it in his ear he had been able to see just a small packet of -corn flakes. He couldn't, and he didn't feel safe. - -Suddenly a violent noise leapt at them from no source that he -could identify. He gasped in terror at what sounded like a man -trying to gargle whilst fighting off a pack of wolves. - -"Shush!" said Ford. "Listen, it might be important." - -"Im ... important?" - -"It's the Vogon captain making an announcement on the T'annoy." - -"You mean that's how the Vogons talk?" - -"Listen!" - -"But I can't speak Vogon!" - -"You don't need to. Just put that fish in your ear." - -Ford, with a lightning movement, clapped his hand to Arthur's -ear, and he had the sudden sickening sensation of the fish -slithering deep into his aural tract. Gasping with horror he -scrabbled at his ear for a second or so, but then slowly turned -goggle-eyed with wonder. He was experiencing the aural equivalent -of looking at a picture of two black silhouetted faces and -suddenly seeing it as a picture of a white candlestick. Or of -looking at a lot of coloured dots on a piece of paper which -suddenly resolve themselves into the figure six and mean that -your optician is going to charge you a lot of money for a new -pair of glasses. - -He was still listening to the howling gargles, he knew that, only -now it had taken on the semblance of perfectly straightforward -English. - -This is what he heard ... - -================================================================= -Chapter 6 - -"Howl howl gargle howl gargle howl howl howl gargle howl gargle -howl howl gargle gargle howl gargle gargle gargle howl slurrp -uuuurgh should have a good time. Message repeats. This is your -captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay -attention. First of all I see from our instruments that we have a -couple of hitchhikers aboard. Hello wherever you are. I just want -to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome. I -worked hard to get where I am today, and I didn't become captain -of a Vogon constructor ship simply so I could turn it into a taxi -service for a load of degenerate freeloaders. I have sent out a -search party, and as soon that they find you I will put you off -the ship. If you're very lucky I might read you some of my poetry -first. - -"Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace for the journey -to Barnard's Star. On arrival we will stay in dock for a -seventy-two hour refit, and no one's to leave the ship during -that time. I repeat, all planet leave is cancelled. I've just had -an unhappy love affair, so I don't see why anybody else should -have a good time. Message ends." - -The noise stopped. - -Arthur discovered to his embarrassment that he was lying curled -up in a small ball on the floor with his arms wrapped round his -head. He smiled weakly. - -"Charming man," he said. "I wish I had a daughter so I could -forbid her to marry one ..." - -"You wouldn't need to," said Ford. "They've got as much sex -appeal as a road accident. No, don't move," he added as Arthur -began to uncurl himself, "you'd better be prepared for the jump -into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk." - -"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" - -"You ask a glass of water." - -Arthur thought about this. - -"Ford," he said. - -"Yeah?" - -"What's this fish doing in my ear?" - -"It's translating for you. It's a Babel fish. Look it up in the -book if you like." - -He tossed over The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and then -curled himself up into a foetal ball to prepare himself for the -jump. - -At that moment the bottom fell out of Arthur's mind. - -His eyes turned inside out. His feet began to leak out of the top -of his head. - -The room folded flat about him, spun around, shifted out of -existence and left him sliding into his own navel. - -They were passing through hyperspace. - -"The Babel fish," said The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy -quietly, "is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the -oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy not -from its carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all -unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to -nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its -carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious -thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech -centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical -upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear -you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of -language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the -brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel -fish. - -"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything -so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that -some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching -proof of the non-existence of God. - -"The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I -exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am -nothing.' - -"`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? -It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so -therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' - -"`Oh dear,' says God, `I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly -vanished in a puff of logic. - -"`Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to -prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next -zebra crossing. - -"Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of -dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a -small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best- -selling book Well That About Wraps It Up For God. - -"Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all -barriers to communication between different races and cultures, -has caused more and bloddier wars than anything else in the -history of creation." - -Arthur let out a low groan. He was horrified to discover that the -kick through hyperspace hadn't killed him. He was now six light -years from the place that the Earth would have been if it still -existed. - -The Earth. - -Visions of it swam sickeningly through his nauseated mind. There -was no way his imagination could feel the impact of the whole -Earth having gone, it was too big. He prodded his feelings by -thinking that his parents and his sister had gone. No reaction. -He thought of all the people he had been close to. No reaction. -Then he thought of a complete stranger he had been standing -behind in the queue at the supermarket before and felt a sudden -stab - the supermarket was gone, everything in it was gone. -Nelson's Column had gone! Nelson's Column had gone and there -would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an -outcry. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. -England only existed in his mind - his mind, stuck here in this -dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. A wave of claustrophobia -closed in on him. - -England no longer existed. He'd got that - somehow he'd got it. -He tried again. America, he thought, has gone. He couldn't grasp -it. He decided to start smaller again. New York has gone. No -reaction. He'd never seriously believed it existed anyway. The -dollar, he thought, had sunk for ever. Slight tremor there. Every -Bogart movie has been wiped, he said to himself, and that gave -him a nasty knock. McDonalds, he thought. There is no longer any -such thing as a McDonald's hamburger. - -He passed out. When he came round a second later he found he was -sobbing for his mother. - -He jerked himself violently to his feet. - -"Ford!" - -Ford looked up from where he was sitting in a corner humming to -himself. He always found the actual travelling-through-space part -of space travel rather trying. - -"Yeah?" he said. - -"If you're a researcher on this book thing and you were on Earth, -you must have been gathering material on it." - -"Well, I was able to extend the original entry a bit, yes." - -"Let me see what it says in this edition then, I've got to see -it." - -"Yeah OK." He passed it over again. - -Arthur grabbed hold of it and tried to stop his hands shaking. He -pressed the entry for the relevant page. The screen flashed and -swirled and resolved into a page of print. Arthur stared at it. - -"It doesn't have an entry!" he burst out. - -Ford looked over his shoulder. - -"Yes it does," he said, "down there, see at the bottom of the -screen, just under Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted -whore of Eroticon 6." - -Arthur followed Ford's finger, and saw where it was pointing. For -a moment it still didn't register, then his mind nearly blew up. - -"What? Harmless? Is that all it's got to say? Harmless! One -word!" - -Ford shrugged. - -"Well, there are a hundred billion stars in the Galaxy, and only -a limited amount of space in the book's microprocessors," he -said, "and no one knew much about the Earth of course." - -"Well for God's sake I hope you managed to rectify that a bit." - -"Oh yes, well I managed to transmit a new entry off to the -editor. He had to trim it a bit, but it's still an improvement." - -"And what does it say now?" asked Arthur. - -"Mostly harmless," admitted Ford with a slightly embarrassed -cough. - -"Mostly harmless!" shouted Arthur. - -"What was that noise?" hissed Ford. - -"It was me shouting," shouted Arthur. - -"No! Shut up!" said Ford. I think we're in trouble." - -"You think we're in trouble!" - -Outside the door were the sounds of marching feet. - -"The Dentrassi?" whispered Arthur. - -"No, those are steel tipped boots," said Ford. - -There was a sharp ringing rap on the door. - -"Then who is it?" said Arthur. - -"Well," said Ford, "if we're lucky it's just the Vogons come to -throw us in to space." - -"And if we're unlucky?" - -"If we're unlucky," said Ford grimly, "the captain might be -serious in his threat that he's going to read us some of his -poetry first ..." - -================================================================= -Chapter 7 - -Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. - -The second worst is that of the Azagoths of Kria. During a -recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his -poem "Ode To A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One -Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal -haemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts -Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. -Grunthos is reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's -reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve- -book epic entitled My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles when his own -major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and -civilization, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled -his brain. - -The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator -Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in -the destruction of the planet Earth. - -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz smiled very slowly. This was done not so -much for effect as because he was trying to remember the sequence -of muscle movements. He had had a terribly therapeutic yell at -his prisoners and was now feeling quite relaxed and ready for a -little callousness. - -The prisoners sat in Poetry Appreciation Chairs --strapped in. -Vogons suffered no illusions as to the regard their works were -generally held in. Their early attempts at composition had been -part of bludgeoning insistence that they be accepted as a -properly evolved and cultured race, but now the only thing that -kept them going was sheer bloodymindedness. - -The sweat stood out cold on Ford Prefect's brow, and slid round -the electrodes strapped to his temples. These were attached to a -battery of electronic equipment - imagery intensifiers, rhythmic -modulators, alliterative residulators and simile dumpers - all -designed to heighten the experience of the poem and make sure -that not a single nuance of the poet's thought was lost. - -Arthur Dent sat and quivered. He had no idea what he was in for, -but he knew that he hadn't liked anything that had happened so -far and didn't think things were likely to change. - -The Vogon began to read - a fetid little passage of his own -devising. - -"Oh frettled gruntbuggly ..." he began. Spasms wracked Ford's -body - this was worse than ever he'd been prepared for. - -"... thy micturations are to me | As plurdled gabbleblotchits on -a lurgid bee." - -"Aaaaaaarggggghhhhhh!" went Ford Prefect, wrenching his head back -as lumps of pain thumped through it. He could dimly see beside -him Arthur lolling and rolling in his seat. He clenched his -teeth. - -"Groop I implore thee," continued the merciless Vogon, "my -foonting turlingdromes." - -His voice was rising to a horrible pitch of impassioned -stridency. "And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly -bindlewurdles,| Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my -blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!" - -"Nnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyuuuuuuurrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!" cried Ford Prefect -and threw one final spasm as the electronic enhancement of the -last line caught him full blast across the temples. He went limp. - -Arthur lolled. - -"Now Earthlings ..." whirred the Vogon (he didn't know that Ford -Prefect was in fact from a small planet in the vicinity of -Betelgeuse, and wouldn't have cared if he had) "I present you -with a simple choice! Either die in the vacuum of space, or ..." -he paused for melodramatic effect, "tell me how good you thought -my poem was!" - -He threw himself backwards into a huge leathery bat-shaped seat -and watched them. He did the smile again. - -Ford was rasping for breath. He rolled his dusty tongue round his -parched mouth and moaned. - -Arthur said brightly: "Actually I quite liked it." - -Ford turned and gaped. Here was an approach that had quite simply -not occurred to him. - -The Vogon raised a surprised eyebrow that effectively obscured -his nose and was therefore no bad thing. - -"Oh good ..." he whirred, in considerable astonishment. - -"Oh yes," said Arthur, "I thought that some of the metaphysical -imagery was really particularly effective." - -Ford continued to stare at him, slowly organizing his thoughts -around this totally new concept. Were they really going to be -able to bareface their way out of this? - -"Yes, do continue ..." invited the Vogon. - -"Oh ... and er ... interesting rhythmic devices too," continued -Arthur, "which seemed to counterpoint the ... er ... er ..." He -floundered. - -Ford leaped to his rescue, hazarding "counterpoint the surrealism -of the underlying metaphor of the ... er ..." He floundered too, -but Arthur was ready again. - -"... humanity of the ..." - -"Vogonity," Ford hissed at him. - -"Ah yes, Vogonity (sorry) of the poet's compassionate soul," -Arthur felt he was on a home stretch now, "which contrives -through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, -transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental -dichotomies of the other," (he was reaching a triumphant -crescendo ...) "and one is left with a profound and vivid insight -into ... into ... er ..." (... which suddenly gave out on him.) -Ford leaped in with the coup de gr@ce: - -"Into whatever it was the poem was about!" he yelled. Out of the -corner of his mouth: "Well done, Arthur, that was very good." - -The Vogon perused them. For a moment his embittered racial soul -had been touched, but he thought no - too little too late. His -voice took on the quality of a cat snagging brushed nylon. - -"So what you're saying is that I write poetry because underneath -my mean callous heartless exterior I really just want to be -loved," he said. He paused. "Is that right?" - -Ford laughed a nervous laugh. "Well I mean yes," he said, "don't -we all, deep down, you know ... er ..." - -The Vogon stood up. - -"No, well you're completely wrong," he said, "I just write poetry -to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. -I'm going to throw you off the ship anyway. Guard! Take the -prisoners to number three airlock and throw them out!" - -"What?" shouted Ford. - -A huge young Vogon guard stepped forward and yanked them out of -their straps with his huge blubbery arms. - -"You can't throw us into space," yelled Ford, "we're trying to -write a book." - -"Resistance is useless!" shouted the Vogon guard back at him. It -was the first phrase he'd learnt when he joined the Vogon Guard -Corps. - -The captain watched with detached amusement and then turned away. - -Arthur stared round him wildly. - -"I don't want to die now!" he yelled. "I've still got a headache! -I don't want to go to heaven with a headache, I'd be all cross -and wouldn't enjoy it!" - -The guard grasped them both firmly round the neck, and bowing -deferentially towards his captain's back, hoiked them both -protesting out of the bridge. A steel door closed and the captain -was on his own again. He hummed quietly and mused to himself, -lightly fingering his notebook of verses. - -"Hmmmm," he said, "counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying -metaphor ..." He considered this for a moment, and then closed -the book with a grim smile. - -"Death's too good for them," he said. - -The long steel-lined corridor echoed to the feeble struggles of -the two humanoids clamped firmly under rubbery Vogon armpits. - -"This is great," spluttered Arthur, "this is really terrific. Let -go of me you brute!" - -The Vogon guard dragged them on. - -"Don't you worry," said Ford, "I'll think of something." He -didn't sound hopeful. - -"Resistance is useless!" bellowed the guard. - -"Just don't say things like that," stammered Ford. "How can -anyone maintain a positive mental attitude if you're saying -things like that?" - -"My God," complained Arthur, "you're talking about a positive -mental attitude and you haven't even had your planet demolished -today. I woke up this morning and thought I'd have a nice relaxed -day, do a bit of reading, brush the dog ... It's now just after -four in the afternoon and I'm already thrown out of an alien -spaceship six light years from the smoking remains of the Earth!" -He spluttered and gurgled as the Vogon tightened his grip. - -"Alright," said Ford, "just stop panicking." - -"Who said anything about panicking?" snapped Arthur. "This is -still just the culture shock. You wait till I've settled down -into the situation and found my bearings. Then I'll start -panicking." - -"Arthur you're getting hysterical. Shut up!" Ford tried -desperately to think, but was interrupted by the guard shouting -again. - -"Resistance is useless!" - -"And you can shut up as well!" snapped Ford. - -"Resistance is useless!" - -"Oh give it a rest," said Ford. He twisted his head till he was -looking straight up into his captor's face. A thought struck him. - -"Do you really enjoy this sort of thing?" he asked suddenly. - -The Vogon stopped dead and a look of immense stupidity seeped -slowly over his face. - -"Enjoy?" he boomed. "What do you mean?" - -"What I mean," said Ford, "is does it give you a full satisfying -life? Stomping around, shouting, pushing people out of spaceships -..." - -The Vogon stared up at the low steel ceiling and his eyebrows -almost rolled over each other. His mouth slacked. Finally he -said, "Well the hours are good ..." - -"They'd have to be," agreed Ford. - -Arthur twisted his head to look at Ford. - -"Ford, what are you doing?" he asked in an amazed whisper. - -"Oh, just trying to take an interest in the world around me, OK?" -he said. "So the hours are pretty good then?" he resumed. - -The Vogon stared down at him as sluggish thoughts moiled around -in the murky depths. - -"Yeah," he said, "but now you come to mention it, most of the -actual minutes are pretty lousy. Except ..." he thought again, -which required looking at the ceiling - "except some of the -shouting I quite like." He filled his lungs and bellowed, -"Resistance is ..." - -"Sure, yes," interrupted Ford hurriedly, "you're good at that, I -can tell. But if it's mostly lousy," he said, slowly giving the -words time to reach their mark, "then why do you do it? What is -it? The girls? The leather? The machismo? Or do you just find -that coming to terms with the mindless tedium of it all presents -an interesting challenge?" - -"Er ..." said the guard, "er ... er ... I dunno. I think I just -sort of ... do it really. My aunt said that spaceship guard was a -good career for a young Vogon - you know, the uniform, the low- -slung stun ray holster, the mindless tedium ..." - -"There you are Arthur," said Ford with the air of someone -reaching the conclusion of his argument, "you think you've got -problems." - -Arthur rather thought he had. Apart from the unpleasant business -with his home planet the Vogon guard had half-throttled him -already and he didn't like the sound of being thrown into space -very much. - -"Try and understand his problem," insisted Ford. "Here he is poor -lad, his entire life's work is stamping around, throwing people -off spaceships ..." - -"And shouting," added the guard. - -"And shouting, sure," said Ford patting the blubbery arm clamped -round his neck in friendly condescension, "... and he doesn't -even know why he's doing it!" - -Arthur agreed this was very sad. He did this with a small feeble -gesture, because he was too asphyxicated to speak. - -Deep rumblings of bemusement came from the guard. - -"Well. Now you put it like that I suppose ..." - -"Good lad!" encouraged Ford. - -"But alright," went on the rumblings, "so what's the -alternative?" - -"Well," said Ford, brightly but slowly, "stop doing it of course! -Tell them," he went on, "you're not going to do it anymore." He -felt he had to add something to that, but for the moment the -guard seemed to have his mind occupied pondering that much. - -"Eerrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ..." said the guard, "erm, well -that doesn't sound that great to me." - -Ford suddenly felt the moment slipping away. - -"Now wait a minute," he said, "that's just the start you see, -there's more to it than that you see ..." - -But at that moment the guard renewed his grip and continued his -original purpose of lugging his prisoners to the airlock. He was -obviously quite touched. - -"No, I think if it's all the same to you," he said, "I'd better -get you both shoved into this airlock and then go and get on with -some other bits of shouting I've got to do." - -It wasn't all the same to Ford Prefect after all. - -"Come on now ... but look!" he said, less slowly, less brightly. - -"Huhhhhgggggggnnnnnnn ..." said Arthur without any clear -inflection. - -"But hang on," pursued Ford, "there's music and art and things to -tell you about yet! Arrrggghhh!" - -"Resistance is useless," bellowed the guard, and then added, "You -see if I keep it up I can eventually get promoted to Senior -Shouting Officer, and there aren't usually many vacancies for -non-shouting and non-pushing-people-about officers, so I think -I'd better stick to what I know." - -They had now reached the airlock - a large circular steel -hatchway of massive strength and weight let into the inner skin -of the craft. The guard operated a control and the hatchway swung -smoothly open. - -"But thanks for taking an interest," said the Vogon guard. "Bye -now." He flung Ford and Arthur through the hatchway into the -small chamber within. Arthur lay panting for breath. Ford -scrambled round and flung his shoulder uselessly against the -reclosing hatchway. - -"But listen," he shouted to the guard, "there's a whole world you -don't know anything about ... here how about this?" Desperately -he grabbed for the only bit of culture he knew offhand - he -hummed the first bar of Beethoven's Fifth. - -"Da da da dum! Doesn't that stir anything in you?" - -"No," said the guard, "not really. But I'll mention it to my -aunt." - -If he said anything further after that it was lost. The hatchway -sealed itself tight, and all sound was lost but the faint distant -hum of the ship's engines. - -They were in a brightly polished cylindrical chamber about six -feet in diameter and ten feet long. - -"Potentially bright lad I thought," he said and slumped against -the curved wall. - -Arthur was still lying in the curve of the floor where he had -fallen. He didn't look up. He just lay panting. - -"We're trapped now aren't we?" - -"Yes," said Ford, "we're trapped." - -"Well didn't you think of anything? I thought you said you were -going to think of something. Perhaps you thought of something and -didn't notice." - -"Oh yes, I thought of something," panted Ford. Arthur looked up -expectantly. - -"But unfortunately," continued Ford, "it rather involved being on -the other side of this airtight hatchway." He kicked the hatch -they'd just been through. - -"But it was a good idea was it?" - -"Oh yes, very neat." - -"What was it?" - -"Well I hadn't worked out the details yet. Not much point now is -there?" - -"So ... er, what happens next?" - -"Oh, er, well the hatchway in front of us will open automatically -in a few moments and we will shoot out into deep space I expect -and asphyxicate. If you take a lungful of air with you you can -last for up to thirty seconds of course ..." said Ford. He stuck -his hands behind his back, raised his eyebrows and started to hum -an old Betelgeusian battle hymn. To Arthur's eyes he suddenly -looked very alien. - -"So this is it," said Arthur, "we're going to die." - -"Yes," said Ford, "except ... no! Wait a minute!" he suddenly -lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of -vision. "What's this switch?" he cried. - -"What? Where?" cried Arthur twisting round. - -"No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after -all." - -He slumped against the wall again and carried on the tune from -where he left off. - -"You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm -trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about -to die of asphyxication in deep space that I really wish I'd -listened to what my mother told me when I was young." - -"Why, what did she tell you?" - -"I don't know, I didn't listen." - -"Oh." Ford carried on humming. - -"This is terrific," Arthur thought to himself, "Nelson's Column -has gone, McDonald's have gone, all that's left is me and the -words Mostly Harmless. Any second now all that will be left is -Mostly Harmless. And yesterday the planet seemed to be going so -well." - -A motor whirred. - -A slight hiss built into a deafening roar of rushing air as the -outer hatchway opened on to an empty blackness studded with tiny -impossibly bright points of light. Ford and Arthur popped into -outer space like corks from a toy gun. - -================================================================= -Chapter 8 - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable -book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times over many -years and under many different editorships. It contains -contributions from countless numbers of travellers and -researchers. - -The introduction begins like this: - -"Space," it says, "is big. Really big. You just won't believe how -vastly hugely mindboggingly big it is. I mean you may think it's -a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts -to space. Listen ..." and so on. - -(After a while the style settles down a bit and it begins to tell -you things you really need to know, like the fact that the -fabulously beautiful planet Bethselamin is now so worried about -the cumulative erosion by ten billion visiting tourists a year -that any net imbalance between the amount you eat and the amount -you excrete whilst on the planet is surgically removed from your -bodyweight when you leave: so every time you go to the lavatory -it is vitally important to get a receipt.) - -To be fair though, when confronted by the sheer enormity of -distances between the stars, better minds than the one -responsible for the Guide's introduction have faltered. Some -invite you to consider for a moment a peanut in reading and a -small walnut in Johannesburg, and other such dizzying concepts. - -The simple truth is that interstellar distances will not fit into -the human imagination. - -Even light, which travels so fast that it takes most races -thousands of years to realize that it travels at all, takes time -to journey between the stars. It takes eight minutes from the -star Sol to the place where the Earth used to be, and four years -more to arrive at Sol's nearest stellar neighbour, Alpha Proxima. - -For light to reach the other side of the Galaxy, for it to reach -Damogran for instance, takes rather longer: five hundred thousand -years. - -The record for hitch hiking this distance is just under five -years, but you don't get to see much on the way. - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy says that if you hold a -lungful of air you can survive in the total vacuum of space for -about thirty seconds. However it goes on to say that what with -space being the mind boggling size it is the chances of getting -picked up by another ship within those thirty seconds are two to -the power of two hundred and sixty-seven thousand seven hundred -and nine to one against. - -By a totally staggering coincidence that is also the telephone -number of an Islington flat where Arthur once went to a very good -party and met a very nice girl whom he totally failed to get off -with - she went off with a gatecrasher. - -Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat and the telephone -have all now been demolished, it is comforting to reflect that -they are all in some small way commemorated by the fact that -twenty-nine seconds later Ford and Arthur were rescued. - -================================================================= -Chapter 9 - -A computer chatted to itself in alarm as it noticed an airlock -open and close itself for no apparent reason. - -This was because Reason was in fact out to lunch. - -A hole had just appeared in the Galaxy. It was exactly a -nothingth of a second long, a nothingth of an inch wide, and -quite a lot of million light years from end to end. - -As it closed up lots of paper hats and party balloons fell out of -it and drifted off through the universe. A team of seven three- -foot-high market analysts fell out of it and died, partly of -asphyxication, partly of surprise. - -Two hundred and thirty-nine thousand lightly fried eggs fell out -of it too, materializing in a large woobly heap on the famine- -struck land of Poghril in the Pansel system. - -The whole Poghril tribe had died out from famine except for one -last man who died of cholesterol poisoning some weeks later. - -The nothingth of a second for which the hole existed reverberated -backwards and forwards through time in a most improbable fashion. -Somewhere in the deeply remote past it seriously traumatized a -small random group of atoms drifting through the empty sterility -of space and made them cling together in the most extraordinarily -unlikely patterns. These patterns quickly learnt to copy -themselves (this was part of what was so extraordinary of the -patterns) and went on to cause massive trouble on every planet -they drifted on to. That was how life began in the Universe. - -Five wild Event Maelstroms swirled in vicious storms of unreason -and spewed up a pavement. - -On the pavement lay Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent gulping like -half-spent fish. - -"There you are," gasped Ford, scrabbling for a fingerhold on the -pavement as it raced through the Third Reach of the Unknown, "I -told you I'd think of something." - -"Oh sure," said Arthur, "sure." - -"Bright idea of mine," said Ford, "to find a passing spaceship -and get rescued by it." - -The real universe arched sickeningly away beneath them. Various -pretend ones flitted silently by, like mountain goats. Primal -light exploded, splattering space-time as with gobbets of junket. -Time blossomed, matter shrank away. The highest prime number -coalesced quietly in a corner and hid itself away for ever. - -"Oh come off it," said Arthur, "the chances against it were -astronomical." - -"Don't knock it, it worked," said Ford. - -"What sort of ship are we in?" asked Arthur as the pit of -eternity yawned beneath them. - -"I don't know," said Ford, "I haven't opened my eyes yet." - -"No, nor have I," said Arthur. - -The Universe jumped, froze, quivered and splayed out in several -unexpected directions. - -Arthur and Ford opened their eyes and looked about in -considerable surprise. - -"Good god," said Arthur, "it looks just like the sea front at -Southend." - -"Hell, I'm relieved to hear you say that," said Ford. - -"Why?" - -"Because I thought I must be going mad." - -"Perhaps you are. Perhaps you only thought I said it." - -Ford thought about this. - -"Well, did you say it or didn't you?" he asked. - -"I think so," said Arthur. - -"Well, perhaps we're both going mad." - -"Yes," said Arthur, "we'd be mad, all things considered, to think -this was Southend." - -"Well, do you think this is Southend?" - -"Oh yes." - -"So do I." - -"Therefore we must be mad." - -"Nice day for it." - -"Yes," said a passing maniac. - -"Who was that?" asked Arthur - -"Who - the man with the five heads and the elderberry bush full -of kippers?" - -"Yes." - -"I don't know. Just someone." - -"Ah." - -They both sat on the pavement and watched with a certain unease -as huge children bounced heavily along the sand and wild horses -thundered through the sky taking fresh supplies of reinforced -railings to the Uncertain Areas. - -"You know," said Arthur with a slight cough, "if this is -Southend, there's something very odd about it ..." - -"You mean the way the sea stays steady and the buildings keep -washing up and down?" said Ford. "Yes I thought that was odd too. -In fact," he continued as with a huge bang Southend split itself -into six equal segments which danced and span giddily round each -other in lewd and licentious formation, "there is something -altogether very strange going on." - -Wild yowling noises of pipes and strings seared through the wind, -hot doughnuts popped out of the road for ten pence each, horrid -fish stormed out of the sky and Arthur and Ford decided to make a -run for it. - -They plunged through heavy walls of sound, mountains of archaic -thought, valleys of mood music, bad shoe sessions and footling -bats and suddenly heard a girl's voice. - -It sounded quite a sensible voice, but it just said, "Two to the -power of one hundred thousand to one against and falling," and -that was all. - -Ford skidded down a beam of light and span round trying to find a -source for the voice but could see nothing he could seriously -believe in. - -"What was that voice?" shouted Arthur. - -"I don't know," yelled Ford, "I don't know. It sounded like a -measurement of probability." - -"Probability? What do you mean?" - -"Probability. You know, like two to one, three to one, five to -four against. It said two to the power of one hundred thousand to -one against. That's pretty improbable you know." - -A million-gallon vat of custard upended itself over them without -warning. - -"But what does it mean?" cried Arthur. - -"What, the custard?" - -"No, the measurement of probability!" - -"I don't know. I don't know at all. I think we're on some kind of -spaceship." - -"I can only assume," said Arthur, "that this is not the first- -class compartment." - -Bulges appeared in the fabric of space-time. Great ugly bulges. - -"Haaaauuurrgghhh ..." said Arthur as he felt his body softening -and bending in unusual directions. "Southend seems to be melting -away ... the stars are swirling ... a dustbowl ... my legs are -drifting off into the sunset ... my left arm's come off too." A -frightening thought struck him: "Hell," he said, "how am I going -to operate my digital watch now?" He wound his eyes desperately -around in Ford's direction. - -"Ford," he said, "you're turning into a penguin. Stop it." - -Again came the voice. - -"Two to the power of seventy-five thousand to one against and -falling." - -Ford waddled around his pond in a furious circle. - -"Hey, who are you," he quacked. "Where are you? What's going on -and is there any way of stopping it?" - -"Please relax," said the voice pleasantly, like a stewardess in -an airliner with only one wing and two engines one of which is on -fire, "you are perfectly safe." - -"But that's not the point!" raged Ford. "The point is that I am -now a perfectly save penguin, and my colleague here is rapidly -running out of limbs!" - -"It's alright, I've got them back now," said Arthur. - -"Two to the power of fifty thousand to one against and falling," -said the voice. - -"Admittedly," said Arthur, "they're longer than I usually like -them, but ..." - -"Isn't there anything," squawked Ford in avian fury, "you feel -you ought to be telling us?" - -The voice cleared its throat. A giant petit four lolloped off -into the distance. - -"Welcome," the voice said, "to the Starship Heart of Gold." - -The voice continued. - -"Please do not be alarmed," it said, "by anything you see or hear -around you. You are bound to feel some initial ill effects as you -have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level of -two to the power of two hundred and seventy-six thousand to one -against - possibly much higher. We are now cruising at a level of -two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and -falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we -are sure what is normal anyway. Thank you. Two to the power of -twenty thousand to one against and falling." - -The voice cut out. - -Ford and Arthur were in a small luminous pink cubicle. - -Ford was wildly excited. - -"Arthur!" he said, "this is fantastic! We've been picked up by a -ship powered by the Infinite Improbability Drive! This is -incredible! I heard rumors about it before! They were all -officially denied, but they must have done it! They've built the -Improbability Drive! Arthur, this is ... Arthur? What's -happening?" - -Arthur had jammed himself against the door to the cubicle, trying -to hold it closed, but it was ill fitting. Tiny furry little -hands were squeezing themselves through the cracks, their fingers -were inkstained; tiny voices chattered insanely. - -Arthur looked up. - -"Ford!" he said, "there's an infinite number of monkeys outside -who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've -worked out." - -================================================================= -Chapter 10 - -The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of -crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a -second, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. - -It was discovered by a lucky chance, and then developed into a -governable form of propulsion by the Galactic Government's -research team on Damogran. - -This, briefly, is the story of its discovery. - -The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability -by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub- -Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong -Brownian Motion producer (say a nice hot cup of tea) were of -course well understood - and such generators were often used to -break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the -hostess's undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, -in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy. - -Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand -for this - partly because it was a debasement of science, but -mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties. - -Another thing they couldn't stand was the perpetual failure they -encountered in trying to construct a machine which could generate -the infinite improbability field needed to flip a spaceship -across the mind-paralysing distances between the furthest stars, -and in the end they grumpily announced that such a machine was -virtually impossible. - -Then, one day, a student who had been left to sweep up the lab -after a particularly unsuccessful party found himself reasoning -this way: - -If, he thought to himself, such a machine is a virtual -impossibility, then it must logically be a finite improbability. -So all I have to do in order to make one is to work out exactly -how improbable it is, feed that figure into the finite -improbability generator, give it a fresh cup of really hot tea -... and turn it on! - -He did this, and was rather startled to discover that he had -managed to create the long sought after golden Infinite -Improbability generator out of thin air. - -It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the -Galactic Institute's Prize for Extreme Cleverness he got lynched -by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had finally -realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a -smartass. - -================================================================= -Chapter 11 - -The Improbability-proof control cabin of the Heart of Gold looked -like a perfectly conventional spaceship except that it was -perfectly clean because it was so new. Some of the control seats -hadn't had the plastic wrapping taken off yet. The cabin was -mostly white, oblong, and about the size of a smallish -restaurant. In fact it wasn't perfectly oblong: the two long -walls were raked round in a slight parallel curve, and all the -angles and corners were contoured in excitingly chunky shapes. -The truth of the matter is that it would have been a great deal -simpler and more practical to build the cabin as an ordinary -three-dimensional oblong rom, but then the designers would have -got miserable. As it was the cabin looked excitingly purposeful, -with large video screens ranged over the control and guidance -system panels on the concave wall, and long banks of computers -set into the convex wall. In one corner a robot sat humped, its -gleaming brushed steel head hanging loosely between its gleaming -brushed steel knees. It too was fairly new, but though it was -beautifully constructed and polished it somehow looked as if the -various parts of its more or less humanoid body didn't quite fit -properly. In fact they fitted perfectly well, but something in -its bearing suggested that they might have fitted better. - -Zaphod Beeblebrox paced nervously up and down the cabin, brushing -his hands over pieces of gleaming equipment and giggling with -excitement. - -Trillian sat hunched over a clump of instruments reading off -figures. Her voice was carried round the Tannoy system of the -whole ship. - -"Five to one against and falling ..." she said, "four to one -against and falling ... three to one ... two ... one ... -probability factor of one to one ... we have normality, I repeat -we have normality." She turned her microphone off - then turned -it back on, with a slight smile and continued: "Anything you -still can't cope with is therefore your own problem. Please -relax. You will be sent for soon." - -Zaphod burst out in annoyance: "Who are they Trillian?" - -Trillian span her seat round to face him and shrugged. - -"Just a couple of guys we seem to have picked up in open space," -she said. "Section ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha." - -"Yeah, well that's a very sweet thought Trillian," complained -Zaphod, "but do you really think it's wise under the -circumstances? I mean, here we are on the run and everything, we -must have the police of half the Galaxy after us by now, and we -stop to pick up hitch hikers. OK, so ten out of ten for style, -but minus several million for good thinking, yeah?" - -He tapped irritably at a control panel. Trillian quietly moved -his hand before he tapped anything important. Whatever Zaphod's -qualities of mind might include - dash, bravado, conceit - he was -mechanically inept and could easily blow the ship up with an -extravagant gesture. Trillian had come to suspect that the main -reason why he had had such a wild and successful life that he -never really understood the significance of anything he did. - -"Zaphod," she said patiently, "they were floating unprotected in -open space ... you wouldn't want them to have died would you?" - -"Well, you know ... no. Not as such, but ..." - -"Not as such? Not die as such? But?" Trillian cocked her head on -one side. - -"Well, maybe someone else might have picked them up later." - -"A second later and they would have been dead." - -"Yeah, so if you'd taken the trouble to think about the problem a -bit longer it would have gone away." - -"You'd been happy to let them die?" - -"Well, you know, not happy as such, but ..." - -"Anyway," said Trillian, turning back to the controls, "I didn't -pick them up." - -"What do you mean? Who picked them up then?" - -"The ship did." - -"Huh?" - -"The ship did. All by itself." - -"Huh?" - -"Whilst we were in Improbability Drive." - -"But that's incredible." - -"No Zaphod. Just very very improbable." - -"Er, yeah." - -"Look Zaphod," she said, patting his arm, "don't worry about the -aliens. They're just a couple of guys I expect. I'll send the -robot down to get them and bring them up here. Hey Marvin!" - -In the corner, the robot's head swung up sharply, but then -wobbled about imperceptibly. It pulled itself up to its feet as -if it was about five pounds heavier that it actually was, and -made what an outside observer would have thought was a heroic -effort to cross the room. It stopped in front of Trillian and -seemed to stare through her left shoulder. - -"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed," it said. -Its voice was low and hopeless. - -"Oh God," muttered Zaphod and slumped into a seat. - -"Well," said Trillian in a bright compassionate tone, "here's -something to occupy you and keep your mind off things." - -"It won't work," droned Marvin, "I have an exceptionally large -mind." - -"Marvin!" warned Trillian. - -"Alright," said Marvin, "what do you want me to do?" - -"Go down to number two entry bay and bring the two aliens up here -under surveillance." - -With a microsecond pause, and a finely calculated micromodulation -of pitch and timbre - nothing you could actually take offence at -- Marvin managed to convey his utter contempt and horror of all -things human. - -"Just that?" he said. - -"Yes," said Trillian firmly. - -"I won't enjoy it," said Marvin. - -Zaphod leaped out of his seat. - -"She's not asking you to enjoy it," he shouted, "just do it will -you?" - -"Alright," said Marvin like the tolling of a great cracked bell, -"I'll do it." - -"Good ..." snapped Zaphod, "great ... thank you ..." - -Marvin turned and lifted his flat-topped triangular red eyes up -towards him. - -"I'm not getting you down at all am I?" he said pathetically. - -"No no Marvin," lilted Trillian, "that's just fine, really ..." - -"I wouldn't like to think that I was getting you down." - -"No, don't worry about that," the lilt continued, "you just act -as comes naturally and everything will be just fine." - -"You're sure you don't mind?" probed Marvin. - -"No no Marvin," lilted Trillian, "that's just fine, really ... -just part of life." - -"Marvin flashed him an electronic look. - -"Life," said Marvin, "don't talk to me about life." - -He turned hopelessly on his heel and lugged himself out of the -cabin. With a satisfied hum and a click the door closed behind -him - -"I don't think I can stand that robot much longer Zaphod," -growled Trillian. - -The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical -apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing -division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as -"Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With." - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing -division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of -mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the -revolution comes," with a footnote to the effect that the editors -would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over -the post of robotics correspondent. - -Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that -had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand -years in the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius -Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were -the first against the wall when the revolution came." - -The pink cubicle had winked out of existence, the monkeys had -sunk away to a better dimension. Ford and Arthur found themselves -in the embarkation area of the ship. It was rather smart. - -"I think the ship's brand new," said Ford. - -"How can you tell?" asked Arthur. "Have you got some exotic -device for measuring the age of metal?" - -"No, I just found this sales brochure lying on the floor. It's a -lot of `the Universe can be yours' stuff. Ah! Look, I was right." - -Ford jabbed at one of the pages and showed it to Arthur. - -"It says: Sensational new breakthrough in Improbability Physics. -As soon as the ship's drive reaches Infinite Improbability it -passes through every point in the Universe. Be the envy of other -major governments. Wow, this is big league stuff." - -Ford hunted excitedly through the technical specs of the ship, -occasionally gasping with astonishment at what he read - clearly -Galactic astrotechnology had moved ahead during the years of his -exile. - -Arthur listened for a short while, but being unable to understand -the vast majority of what Ford was saying he began to let his -mind wander, trailing his fingers along the edge of an -incomprehensible computer bank, he reached out and pressed an -invitingly large red button on a nearby panel. The panel lit up -with the words Please do not press this button again. He shook -himself. - -"Listen," said Ford, who was still engrossed in the sales -brochure, "they make a big thing of the ship's cybernetics. A new -generation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation robots and -computers, with the new GPP feature." - -"GPP feature?" said Arthur. "What's that?" - -"Oh, it says Genuine People Personalities." - -"Oh," said Arthur, "sounds ghastly." - -A voice behind them said, "It is." The voice was low and hopeless -and accompanied by a slight clanking sound. They span round and -saw an abject steel man standing hunched in the doorway. - -"What?" they said. - -"Ghastly," continued Marvin, "it all is. Absolutely ghastly. Just -don't even talk about it. Look at this door," he said, stepping -through it. The irony circuits cut into his voice modulator as he -mimicked the style of the sales brochure. "All the doors in this -spaceship have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their -pleasure to open for you, and their satisfaction to close again -with the knowledge of a job well done." - -As the door closed behind them it became apparent that it did -indeed have a satisfied sigh-like quality to it. -"Hummmmmmmyummmmmmm ah!" it said. - -Marvin regarded it with cold loathing whilst his logic circuits -chattered with disgust and tinkered with the concept of directing -physical violence against it Further circuits cut in saying, Why -bother? What's the point? Nothing is worth getting involved in. -Further circuits amused themselves by analysing the molecular -components of the door, and of the humanoids' brain cells. For a -quick encore they measured the level of hydrogen emissions in the -surrounding cubic parsec of space and then shut down again in -boredom. A spasm of despair shook the robot's body as he turned. - -"Come on," he droned, "I've been ordered to take you down to the -bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to -take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? 'Cos I -don't." - -He turned and walked back to the hated door. - -"Er, excuse me," said Ford following after him, "which government -owns this ship?" - -Marvin ignored him. - -"You watch this door," he muttered, "it's about to open again. I -can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly -generates." - -With an ingratiating little whine the door slit open again and -Marvin stomped through. - -"Come on," he said. - -The others followed quickly and the door slit back into place -with pleased little clicks and whirrs. - -"Thank you the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics -Corporation," said Marvin and trudged desolately up the gleaming -curved corridor that stretched out before them. "Let's build -robots with Genuine People Personalities," they said. So they -tried it out with me. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell -can't you?" - -Ford and Arthur muttered embarrassed little disclaimers. - -"I hate that door," continued Marvin. "I'm not getting you down -at all am I?" - -"Which government ..." started Ford again. - -"No government owns it," snapped the robot, "it's been stolen." - -"Stolen?" - -"Stolen?" mimicked Marvin. - -"Who by?" asked Ford. - -"Zaphod Beeblebrox." - -Something extraordinary happened to Ford's face. At least five -entirely separate and distinct expressions of shock and amazement -piled up on it in a jumbled mess. His left leg, which was in mid -stride, seemed to have difficulty in finding the floor again. He -stared at the robot and tried to entangle some dartoid muscles. - -"Zaphod Beeblebrox ...?" he said weakly. - -"Sorry, did I say something wrong?" said Marvin, dragging himself -on regardless. "Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway -so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God I'm so depressed. -Here's another of those self-satisfied door. Life! Don't talk to -me about life." - -"No one ever mentioned it," muttered Arthur irritably. "Ford, are -you alright?" - -Ford stared at him. "Did that robot say Zaphod Beeblebrox?" he -said. - -================================================================= -Chapter 12 - -A loud clatter of gunk music flooded through the Heart of Gold -cabin as Zaphod searched the sub-etha radio wavebands for news of -himself. The machine was rather difficult to operate. For years -radios had been operated by means of pressing buttons and turning -dials; then as the technology became more sophisticated the -controls were made touch-sensitive - you merely had to brush the -panels with your fingers; now all you had to do was wave your -hand in the general direction of the components and hope. It -saved a lot of muscular expenditure of course, but meant that you -had to sit infuriatingly still if you wanted to keep listening to -the same programme. - -Zaphod waved a hand and the channel switched again. More gunk -music, but this time it was a background to a news announcement. -The news was always heavily edited to fit the rhythms of the -music. - -"... and news brought to you here on the sub-etha wave band, -broadcasting around the galaxy around the clock," squawked a -voice, "and we'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life -forms everywhere ... and to everyone else out there, the secret -is to bang the rocks together, guys. And of course, the big news -story tonight is the sensational theft of the new Improbability -Drive prototype ship by none other than Galactic President Zaphod -Beeblebrox. And the question everyone's asking is ... has the big -Z finally flipped? Beeblebrox, the man who invented the Pan -Galactic Gargle Blaster, ex-confidence trickster, once described -by Eccentrica Gallumbits as the Best Bang since the Big One, and -recently voted the Wort Dressed Sentinent Being in the Known -Universe for the seventh time ... has he got an answer this time? -We asked his private brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt ..." The -music swirled and dived for a moment. Another voice broke in, -presumably Halfrunt. He said: "Vell, Zaphod's jist zis guy you -know?" but got no further because an electric pencil flew across -the cabin and through the radio's on/off sensitive airspace. -Zaphod turned and glared at Trillian - she had thrown the pencil. - -"Hey," he said, what do you do that for?" - -Trillian was tapping her fingers on a screenful of figures. - -"I've just thought of something," she said. - -"Yeah? Worth interrupting a news bulletin about me for?" - -"You hear enough about yourself as it is." - -"I'm very insecure. We know that." - -"Can we drop your ego for a moment? This is important." - -"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it -caught and shot now." Zaphod glared at her again, then laughed. - -"Listen," she said, "we picked up those couple of guys ..." - -"What couple of guys?" - -"The couple of guys we picked up." - -"Oh, yeah," said Zaphod, "those couple of guys." - -"We picked them up in sector ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha." - -"Yeah?" said Zaphod and blinked. - -Trillian said quietly, "Does that mean anything to you?" - -"Mmmmm," said Zaphod, "ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha. ZZ 9 Plural Z Alpha?" - -"Well?" said Trillian. - -"Er ... what does the Z mean?" said Zaphod. - -"Which one?" - -"Any one." - -One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her -relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him -pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, -pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think -and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be -outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't -understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. -He was renowned for being amazingly clever and quite clearly was -so - but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the -act. He proffered people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. -This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but -she could no longer be bothered to argue about it. - -She sighed and punched up a star map on the visiscreen so she -could make it simple for him, whatever his reasons for wanting it -to be that way. - -"There," she pointed, "right there." - -"Hey ... Yeah!" said Zaphod. - -"Well?" she said. - -"Well what?" - -Parts of the inside of her head screamed at other parts of the -inside of her head. She said, very calmly, "It's the same sector -you originally picked me up in." - -He looked at her and then looked back at the screen. - -"Hey, yeah," he said, "now that is wild. We should have zapped -straight into the middle of the Horsehead Nebula. How did we come -to be there? I mean that's nowhere." - -She ignored this. - -"Improbability Drive," she said patiently. "You explained it to -me yourself. We pass through every point in the Universe, you -know that." - -"Yeah, but that's one wild coincidence isn't it?" - -"Yes." - -"Picking someone up at that point? Out of the whole of the -Universe to choose from? That's just too ... I want to work this -out. Computer!" - -The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Shipboard Computer which -controlled and permeated every particle of the ship switched -into communication mode. - -"Hi there!" it said brightly and simultaneously spewed out a tiny -ribbon of ticker tape just for the record. The ticker tape said, -Hi there! - -"Oh God," said Zaphod. He hadn't worked with this computer for -long but had already learned to loathe it. - -The computer continued, brash and cheery as if it was selling -detergent. - -"I want you to know that whatever your problem, I am here to help -you solve it." - -"Yeah yeah," said Zaphod. "Look, I think I'll just use a piece of -paper." - -"Sure thing," said the computer, spilling out its message into a -waste bin at the same time, "I understand. If you ever want ..." - -"Shut up!" said Zaphod, and snatching up a pencil sat down next -to Trillian at the console. - -"OK, OK ..." said the computer in a hurt tone of voice and closed -down its speech channel again. - -Zaphod and Trillian pored over the figures that the Improbability -flight path scanner flashed silently up in front of them. - -"Can we work out," said Zaphod, "from their point of view what -the Improbability of their rescue was?" - -"Yes, that's a constant", said Trillian, "two to the power of two -hundred and seventy-six thousand seven hundred and nine to one -against." - -"That's high. They're two lucky lucky guys." - -"Yes." - -"But relative to what we were doing when the ship picked them up -..." - -Trillian punched up the figures. They showed tow-to-the power- -of-Infinity-minus-one (an irrational number that only has a -conventional meaning in Improbability physics). - -"... it's pretty low," continued Zaphod with a slight whistle. - -"Yes," agreed Trillian, and looked at him quizzically. - -"That's one big whack of Improbability to be accounted for. -Something pretty improbable has got to show up on the balance -sheet if it's all going to add up into a pretty sum." - -Zaphod scribbled a few sums, crossed them out and threw the -pencil away. - -"Bat's dots, I can't work it out." - -"Well?" - -Zaphod knocked his two heads together in irritation and gritted -his teeth. - -"OK," he said. "Computer!" - -The voice circuits sprang to life again. - -"Why hello there!" they said (ticker tape, ticker tape). "All I -want to do is make your day nicer and nicer and nicer ..." - -"Yeah well shut up and work something out for me." - -"Sure thing," chattered the computer, "you want a probability -forecast based on ..." - -"Improbability data, yeah." - -"OK," the computer continued. "Here's an interesting little -notion. Did you realize that most people's lives are governed by -telephone numbers?" - -A pained look crawled across one of Zaphod's faces and on to the -other one. - -"Have you flipped?" he said. - -"No, but you will when I tell you that ..." - -Trillian gasped. She scrabbled at the buttons on the -Improbability flight path screen. - -"Telephone number?" she said. "Did that thing say telephone -number?" - -Numbers flashed up on the screen. - -The computer had paused politely, but now it continued. - -"What I was about to say was that ..." - -"Don't bother please," said Trillian. - -"Look, what is this?" said Zaphod. - -"I don't know," said Trillian, "but those aliens - they're on the -way up to the bridge with that wretched robot. Can we pick them -up on any monitor cameras?" - -================================================================= -Chapter 13 - -Marvin trudged on down the corridor, still moaning. - -"... and then of course I've got this terrible pain in all the -diodes down my left hand side ..." - -"No?" said Arthur grimly as he walked along beside him. "Really?" - -"Oh yes," said Marvin, "I mean I've asked for them to be replaced -but no one ever listens." - -"I can imagine." - -Vague whistling and humming noises were coming from Ford. "Well -well well," he kept saying to himself, "Zaphod Beeblebrox ..." - -Suddenly Marvin stopped, and held up a hand. - -"You know what's happened now of course?" - -"No, what?" said Arthur, who didn't what to know. - -"We've arrived at another of those doors." - -There was a sliding door let into the side of the corridor. -Marvin eyed it suspiciously. - -"Well?" said Ford impatiently. "Do we go through?" - -"Do we go through?" mimicked Marvin. "Yes. This is the entrance -to the bridge. I was told to take you to the bridge. Probably the -highest demand that will be made on my intellectual capacities -today I shouldn't wonder." - -Slowly, with great loathing, he stepped towards the door, like a -hunter stalking his prey. Suddenly it slid open. - -"Thank you," it said, "for making a simple door very happy." - -Deep in Marvin's thorax gears ground. - -"Funny," he intoned funerally, "how just when you think life -can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does." - -He heaved himself through the door and left Ford and Arthur -staring at each other and shrugging their shoulders. From inside -they heard Marvin's voice again. - -"I suppose you want to see the aliens now," he said. "Do you want -me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I'm -standing?" - -"Yeah, just show them in would you Marvin?" came another voice. - -Arthur looked at Ford and was astonished to see him laughing. - -"What's ...?" - -"Shhh," said Ford, "come in." - -He stepped through into the bridge. - -Arthur followed him in nervously and was astonished to see a man -lolling back in a chair with his feet on a control console -picking the teeth in his right-hand head with his left hand. The -right-hand head seemed to be thoroughly preoccupied with this -task, but the left-hand one was grinning a broad, relaxed, -nonchalant grin. The number of things that Arthur couldn't -believe he was seeing was fairly large. His jaw flapped about at -a loose end for a while. - -The peculiar man waved a lazy wave at Ford and with an appalling -affectation of nonchalance said, "Ford, hi, how are you? Glad you -could drop in." - -Ford was not going to be outcooled. - -"Zaphod," he drawled, "great to see you, you're looking well, the -extra arm suits you. Nice ship you've stolen." - -Arthur goggled at him. - -"You mean you know this guy?" he said, waving a wild finger at -Zaphod. - -"Know him!" exclaimed Ford, "he's ..." he paused, and decided to -do the introductions the other way round. - -"Oh, Zaphod, this is a friend of mine, Arthur Dent," he said, "I -saved him when his planet blew up." - -"Oh sure," said Zaphod, "hi Arthur, glad you could make it." His -right-hand head looked round casually, said "hi" and went back to -having his teeth picked. - -Ford carried on. "And Arthur," he said, "this is my semi-cousin -Zaphod Beeb ..." - -"We've met," said Arthur sharply. - -When you're cruising down the road in the fast lane and you -lazily sail past a few hard driving cars and are feeling pretty -pleased with yourself and then accidentally change down from -fourth to first instead of third thus making your engine leap out -of your bonnet in a rather ugly mess, it tends to throw you off -your stride in much the same way that this remark threw Ford -Prefect off his. - -"Err ... what?" - -"I said we've met." - -Zaphod gave an awkward start of surprise and jabbed a gum -sharply. - -"Hey ... er, have we? Hey ... er ..." - -Ford rounded on Arthur with an angry flash in his eyes. Now he -felt he was back on home ground he suddenly began to resent -having lumbered himself with this ignorant primitive who knew as -much about the affairs of the Galaxy as an Ilford-based gnat knew -about life in Peking. - -"What do you mean you've met?" he demanded. "This is Zaphod -Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse Five you know, not bloody Martin Smith -from Croydon." - -"I don't care," said Arthur coldly. We've met, haven't we Zaphod -Beeblebrox - or should I say ... Phil?" - -"What!" shouted Ford. - -"You'll have to remind me," said Zaphod. "I've a terrible memory -for species." - -"It was at a party," pursued Arthur. - -"Yeah, well I doubt that," said Zaphod. - -"Cool it will you Arthur!" demanded Ford. - -Arthur would not be deterred. "A party six months ago. On Earth -... England ..." - -Zaphod shook his head with a tight-lipped smile. - -"London," insisted Arthur, "Islington." - -"Oh," said Zaphod with a guilty start, "that party." - -This wasn't fair on Ford at all. He looked backwards and forwards -between Arthur and Zaphod. "What?" he said to Zaphod. "You don't -mean to say you've been on that miserable planet as well do you?" - -"No, of course not," said Zaphod breezily. "Well, I may have just -dropped in briefly, you know, on my way somewhere ..." - -"But I was stuck there for fifteen years!" - -"Well I didn't know that did I?" - -"But what were you doing there?" - -"Looking about, you know." - -"He gatecrashed a party," persisted Arthur, trembling with anger, -"a fancy dress party ..." - -"It would have to be, wouldn't it?" said Ford. - -"At this party," persisted Arthur, "was a girl ... oh well, look -it doesn't matter now. The whole place has gone up in smoke -anyway ..." - -"I wish you'd stop sulking about that bloody planet," said Ford. -"Who was the lady?" - -"Oh just somebody. Well alright, I wasn't doing very well with -her. I'd been trying all evening. Hell, she was something though. -Beautiful, charming, devastatingly intelligent, at last I'd got -her to myself for a bit and was plying her with a bit of talk -when this friend of yours barges up and says Hey doll, is this -guy boring you? Why don't you talk to me instead? I'm from a -different planet." I never saw her again." - -"Zaphod?" exclaimed Ford. - -"Yes," said Arthur, glaring at him and trying not to feel -foolish. "He only had the two arms and the one head and he called -himself Phil, but ..." - -"But you must admit he did turn out to be from another planet," -said Trillian wandering into sight at the other end of the -bridge. She gave Arthur a pleasant smile which settled on him -like a ton of bricks and then turned her attention to the ship's -controls again. - -There was silence for a few seconds, and then out of the -scrambled mess of Arthur's brain crawled some words. - -"Tricia McMillian?" he said. "What are you doing here?" - -"Same as you," she said, "I hitched a lift. After all with a -degree in Maths and another in astrophysics what else was there -to do? It was either that or the dole queue again on Monday." - -"Infinity minus one," chattered the computer, "Improbability sum -now complete." - -Zaphod looked about him, at Ford, at Arthur, and then at -Trillian. - -"Trillian," he said, "is this sort of thing going to happen every -time we use the Improbability drive?" - -"Very probably, I'm afraid," she said. - -================================================================= -Chapter 14 - -The Heart of Gold fled on silently through the night of space, -now on conventional photon drive. Its crew of four were ill at -ease knowing that they had been brought together not of their own -volition or by simple coincidence, but by some curious principle -of physics - as if relationships between people were susceptible -to the same laws that governed the relationships between atoms -and molecules. - -As the ship's artificial night closed in they were each grateful -to retire to separate cabins and try to rationalize their -thoughts. - -Trillian couldn't sleep. She sat on a couch and stared at a small -cage which contained her last and only links with Earth - two -white mice that she had insisted Zaphod let her bring. She had -expected not to see the planet again, but she was disturbed by -her negative reaction to the planet's destruction. It seemed -remote and unreal and she could find no thoughts to think about -it. She watched the mice scurrying round the cage and running -furiously in their little plastic treadwheels till they occupied -her whole attention. Suddenly she shook herself and went back to -the bridge to watch over the tiny flashing lights and figures -that charted the ship's progress through the void. She wished she -knew what it was she was trying not to think about. - -Zaphod couldn't sleep. He also wished he knew what it was that he -wouldn't let himself think about. For as long as he could -remember he'd suffered from a vague nagging feeling of being not -all there. Most of the time he was able to put this thought aside -and not worry about it, but it had been re-awakened by the sudden -inexplicable arrival of Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent. Somehow it -seemed to conform to a pattern that he couldn't see. - -Ford couldn't sleep. He was too excited about being back on the -road again. Fifteen years of virtual imprisonment were over, just -as he was finally beginning to give up hope. Knocking about with -Zaphod for a bit promised to be a lot of fun, though there seemed -to be something faintly odd about his semi-cousin that he -couldn't put his finger on. The fact that he had become President -of the Galaxy was frankly astonishing, as was the manner of his -leaving the post. Was there a reason behind it? There would be no -point in asking Zaphod, he never appeared to have a reason for -anything he did at all: he had turned unfathomably into an art -form. He attacked everything in life with a mixture of -extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was often -difficult to tell which was which. - -Arthur slept: he was terribly tired. - -There was a tap at Zaphod's door. It slid open. - -"Zaphod ...?" - -"Yeah?" - -"I think we just found what you came to look for." - -"Hey, yeah?" - -Ford gave up the attempt to sleep. In the corner of his cabin was -a small computer screen and keyboard. He sat at it for a while -and tried to compose a new entry for the Guide on the subject of -Vogons but couldn't think of anything vitriolic enough so he gave -that up too, wrapped a robe round himself and went for a walk to -the bridge. - -As he entered he was surprised to see two figures hunched -excitedly over the instruments. - -"See? The ship's about to move into orbit," Trillian was saying. -"There's a planet out there. It's at the exact coordinates you -predicted." - -Zaphod heard a noise and looked up. - -"Ford!" he hissed. "Hey, come and take a look at this." - -Ford went and had a look at it. It was a series of figures -flashing over a screen. - -"You recognize those Galactic coordinates?" said Zaphod. - -"No." - -"I'll give you a clue. Computer!" - -"Hi gang!" enthused the computer. "This is getting real sociable -isn't it?" - -"Shut up," said Zaphod, "and show up the screens." - -Light on the bridge sank. Pinpoints of light played across the -consoles and reflected in four pairs of eyes that stared up at -the external monitor screens. - -There was absolutely nothing on them. - -"Recognize that?" whispered Zaphod. - -Ford frowned. - -"Er, no," he said. - -"What do you see?" - -"Nothing." - -"Recognize it?" - -"What are you talking about?" - -"We're in the Horsehead Nebula. One whole vast dark cloud." - -"And I was meant to recognize that from a blank screen?" - -"Inside a dark nebula is the only place in the Galaxy you'd see a -dark screen." - -"Very good." - -Zaphod laughed. He was clearly very excited about something, -almost childishly so. - -"Hey, this is really terrific, this is just far too much!" - -"What's so great about being stuck in a dust cloud?" said Ford. - -"What would you reckon to find here?" urged Zaphod. - -"Nothing." - -"No stars? No planets?" - -"No." - -"Computer!" shouted Zaphod, "rotate angle of vision through one- -eighty degrees and don't talk about it!" - -For a moment it seemed that nothing was happening, then a -brightness glowed at the edge of the huge screen. A red star the -size of a small plate crept across it followed quickly by another -one - a binary system. Then a vast crescent sliced into the -corner of the picture - a red glare shading away into the deep -black, the night side of the planet. - -"I've found it!" cried Zaphod, thumping the console. "I've found -it!" - -Ford stared at it in astonishment. - -"What is it?" he said. - -"That ..." said Zaphod, "is the most improbable planet that ever -existed." - -================================================================= -Chapter 15 - -(Excerpt from The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Page 634784, -Section 5a, Entry: Magrathea) - -Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious -days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and -largely tax free. - -Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking -adventure and reward amongst the furthest reaches of Galactic -space. In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, -men were real men, women were real women, and small furry -creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures -from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to -do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had -split before - and thus was the Empire forged. - -Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly -natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really -poor - at least no one worth speaking of. And for all the richest -and most successful merchants life inevitably became rather dull -and niggly, and they began to imagine that this was therefore the -fault of the worlds they'd settled on - none of them was entirely -satisfactory: either the climate wasn't quite right in the later -part of the afternoon, or the day was half an hour too long, or -the sea was exactly the wrong shade of pink. - -And thus were created the conditions for a staggering new form of -specialist industry: custom-made luxury planet building. The home -of this industry was the planet Magrathea, where hyperspatial -engineers sucked matter through white holes in space to form it -into dream planets - gold planets, platinum planets, soft rubber -planets with lots of earthquakes - all lovingly made to meet the -exacting standards that the Galaxy's richest men naturally came -to expect. - -But so successful was this venture that Magrathea itself soon -became the richest planet of all time and the rest of the Galaxy -was reduced to abject poverty. And so the system broke down, the -Empire collapsed, and a long sullen silence settled over a -billion worlds, disturbed only by the pen scratchings of scholars -as they laboured into the night over smug little treaties on the -value of a planned political economy. - -Magrathea itself disappeared and its memory soon passed into the -obscurity of legend. - -In these enlightened days of course, no one believes a word of -it. - -================================================================= -Chapter 16 - -Arthur awoke to the sound of argument and went to the bridge. -Ford was waving his arms about. - -"You're crazy, Zaphod," he was saying, "Magrathea is a myth, a -fairy story, it's what parents tell their kids about at night if -they want them to grow up to become economists, it's ..." - -"And that's what we are currently in orbit around," insisted -Zaphod. - -"Look, I can't help what you may personally be in orbit around," -said Ford, "but this ship ..." - -"Computer!" shouted Zaphod. - -"Oh no ..." - -"Hi there! This is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling -just great guys, and I know I'm just going to get a bundle of -kicks out of any programme you care to run through me." - -Arthur looked inquiringly at Trillian. She motioned him to come -on in but keep quiet. - -"Computer," said Zaphod, "tell us again what our present -trajectory is." - -"A real pleasure feller," it burbled, "we are currently in orbit -at an altitude of three hundred miles around the legendary planet -of Magrathea." - -"Proving nothing," said Ford. "I wouldn't trust that computer to -speak my weight." - -"I can do that for you, sure," enthused the computer, punching -out more tickertape. "I can even work out you personality -problems to ten decimal places if it will help." - -Trillian interrupted. - -"Zaphod," she said, "any minute now we will be swinging round to -the daylight side of this planet," adding, "whatever it turns out -to be." - -"Hey, what do you mean by that? The planet's where I predicted it -would be isn't it?" - -"Yes, I know there's a planet there. I'm not arguing with anyone, -it's just that I wouldn't know Magrathea from any other lump of -cold rock. Dawn's coming up if you want it." - -"OK, OK," muttered Zaphod, "let's at least give our eyes a good -time. Computer!" - -"Hi there! What can I ..." - -"Just shut up and give us a view of the planet again." - -A dark featureless mass once more filled the screens - the planet -rolling away beneath them. - -They watched for a moment in silence, but Zaphod was fidgety with -excitement. - -"We are now traversing the night side ..." he said in a hushed -voice. The planet rolled on. - -"The surface of the planet is now three hundred miles beneath us -..." he continued. He was trying to restore a sense of occasion -to what he felt should have been a great moment. Magrathea! He -was piqued by Ford's sceptical reaction. Magrathea! - -"In a few seconds," he continued, "we should see ... there!" - -The moment carried itself. Even the most seasoned star tramp -can't help but shiver at the spectacular drama of a sunrise seen -from space, but a binary sunrise is one of the marvels of the -Galaxy. - -Out of the utter blackness stabbed a sudden point of blinding -light. It crept up by slight degrees and spread sideways in a -thin crescent blade, and within seconds two suns were visible, -furnaces of light, searing the black edge of the horizon with -white fire. Fierce shafts of colour streaked through the thin -atmosphere beneath them. - -"The fires of dawn ... !" breathed Zaphod. "The twin suns of -Soulianis and Rahm ... !" - -"Or whatever," said Ford quietly. - -"Soulianis and Rahm!" insisted Zaphod. - -The suns blazed into the pitch of space and a low ghostly music -floated through the bridge: Marvin was humming ironically because -he hated humans so much. - -As Ford gazed at the spectacle of light before them excitement -burnt inside him, but only the excitement of seeing a strange new -planet, it was enough for him to see it as it was. It faintly -irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on -to the scene to make it work for him. All this Magrathea nonsense -seemed juvenile. Isn't it enough to see that a garden is -beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the -bottom of it too? - -All this Magrathea business seemed totally incomprehensible to -Arthur. He edged up to Trillian and asked her what was going on. - -"I only know what Zaphod's told me," she whispered. "Apparently -Magrathea is some kind of legend from way back which no one -seriously believes in. Bit like Atlantis on Earth, except that -the legends say the Magratheans used to manufacture planets." - -Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something -important. Suddenly he realized what it was. - -"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked. - -More of the planet was unfolding beneath them as the Heart of -Gold streaked along its orbital path. The suns now stood high in -the black sky, the pyrotechnics of dawn were over, and the -surface of the planet appeared bleak and forbidding in the common -light of day - grey, dusty and only dimly contoured. It looked -dead and cold as a crypt. From time to time promising features -would appear on the distant horizon - ravines, maybe mountains, -maybe even cities - but as they approached the lines would soften -and blur into anonymity and nothing would transpire. The planet's -surface was blurred by time, by the slow movement of the thin -stagnant air that had crept across it for century upon century. - -Clearly, it was very very old. - -A moment of doubt came to Ford as he watched the grey landscape -move beneath them. The immensity of time worried him, he could -feel it as a presence. He cleared his throat. - -"Well, even supposing it is ..." - -"It is," said Zaphod. - -"Which it isn't," continued Ford. "What do you want with it -anyway? There's nothing there." - -"Not on the surface," said Zaphod. - -"Alright, just supposing there's something. I take it you're not -here for the sheer industrial archaeology of it all. What are you -after?" - -One of Zaphod's heads looked away. The other one looked round to -see what the first was looking at, but it wasn't looking at -anything very much. - -"Well," said Zaphod airily, "it's partly the curiosity, partly a -sense of adventure, but mostly I think it's the fame and the -money ..." - -Ford glanced at him sharply. He got a very strong impression that -Zaphod hadn't the faintest idea why he was there at all. - -"You know I don't like the look of that planet at all," said -Trillian shivering. - -"Ah, take no notice," said Zaphod, "with half the wealth of the -former Galactic Empire stored on it somewhere it can afford to -look frumpy." - -Bullshit, thought Ford. Even supposing this was the home of some -ancient civilization now gone to dust, even supposing a number of -exceedingly unlikely things, there was no way that vast treasures -of wealth were going to be stored there in any form that would -still have meaning now. He shrugged. - -"I think it's just a dead planet," he said. - -"The suspense is killing me," said Arthur testily. - -Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all -parts of the Galaxy, and it is in order that this situation -should not in any way be exacerbated that the following facts -will now be revealed in advance. - -The planet in question is in fact the legendary Magrathea. - -The deadly missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient -automatic defence system will result merely in the breakage of -three coffee cups and a micecage, the bruising of somebody's -upper arm, and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl -of petunias and an innocent sperm whale. - -In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved, no -revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm sustained -the bruise. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense -since it is of no significance whatsoever. - -================================================================= -Chapter 17 - -After a fairly shaky start to the day, Arthur's mind was -beginning to reassemble itself from the shellshocked fragments -the previous day had left him with. He had found a Nutri-Matic -machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a -liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. The -way it functioned was very interesting. When the Drink button was -pressed it made an instant but highly detailed examination of the -subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's -metabolism and then sent tiny experimental signals down the -neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject's brain to -see what was likely to go down well. However, no one knew quite -why it did this because it invariably delivered a cupful of -liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. The -Nutri-Matic was designed and manufactured by the Sirius -Cybernetics Corporation whose complaints department now covers -all the major land masses of the first three planets in the -Sirius Tau Star system. - -Arthur drank the liquid and found it reviving. He glanced up at -the screens again and watched a few more hundred miles of barren -greyness slide past. It suddenly occurred to him to ask a -question which had been bothering him. - -"Is it safe?" he said. - -"Magrathea's been dead for five million years," said Zaphod, "of -course it's safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and -raised families by now." At which point a strange and -inexplicable sound thrilled suddenly through the bridge - a noise -as of a distant fanfare; a hollow, reedy, insubstantial sound. It -preceded a voice that was equally hollow, reedy and -insubstantial. The voice said "Greetings to you ..." - -Someone from the dead planet was talking to them. - -"Computer!" shouted Zaphod. - -"Hi there!" - -"What the photon is it?" - -"Oh, just some five-million-year-old tape that's being broadcast -at us." - -"A what? A recording?" - -"Shush!" said Ford. "It's carrying on." - -The voice was old, courteous, almost charming, but was -underscored with quite unmistakable menace. - -"This is a recorded announcement," it said, "as I'm afraid we're -all out at the moment. The commercial council of Magrathea thanks -you for your esteemed visit ..." - -("A voice from ancient Magrathea!" shouted Zaphod. "OK, OK," said -Ford.) - -"... but regrets," continued the voice, "that the entire planet -is temporarily closed for business. Thank you. If you would care -to leave your name and the address of a planet where you can be -contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone." - -A short buzz followed, then silence. - -"They want to get rid of us," said Trillian nervously. "What do -we do?" - -"It's just a recording," said Zaphod. "We keep going. Got that, -computer?" - -"I got it," said the computer and gave the ship an extra kick of -speed. - -They waited. - -After a second or so came the fanfare once again, and then the -voice. - -"We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is -resumed announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines -and colour supplements, when our clients will once again be able -to select from all that's best in contemporary geography." The -menace in the voice took on a sharper edge. "Meanwhile we thank -our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. -Now." - -Arthur looked round the nervous faces of his companions. - -"Well, I suppose we'd better be going then, hadn't we?" he -suggested. - -"Shhh!" said Zaphod. "There's absolutely nothing to be worried -about." - -"Then why's everyone so tense?" - -"They're just interested!" shouted Zaphod. "Computer, start a -descent into the atmosphere and prepare for landing." - -This time the fanfare was quite perfunctory, the voice distinctly -cold. - -"It is most gratifying," it said, "that your enthusiasm for our -planet continues unabated, and so we would like to assure you -that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are -part of a special service we extend to all of our most -enthusiastic clients, and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of -course merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom -in future lives ... thank you." - -The voice snapped off. - -"Oh," said Trillian. - -"Er ..." said Arthur. - -"Well?" said Ford. - -"Look," said Zaphod, "will you get it into your heads? That's -just a recorded message. It's millions of years old. It doesn't -apply to us, get it?" - -"What," said Trillian quietly, "about the missiles?" - -"Missiles? Don't make me laugh." - -Ford tapped Zaphod on the shoulder and pointed at the rear -screen. Clear in the distance behind them two silver darts were -climbing through the atmosphere towards the ship. A quick change -of magnification brought them into close focus - two massively -real rockets thundering through the sky. The suddenness of it was -shocking. - -"I think they're going to have a very good try at applying to -us," said Ford. - -Zaphod stared at them in astonishment. - -"Hey this is terrific!" he said. "Someone down there is trying to -kill us!" - -"Terrific," said Arthur. - -"But don't you see what this means?" - -"Yes. We're going to die." - -"Yes, but apart from that." - -"Apart from that?" - -"It means we must be on to something!" - -"How soon can we get off it?" - -Second by second the image of the missiles on the screen became -larger. They had swung round now on to a direct homing course so -that all that could be seen of them now was the warheads, head -on. - -"As a matter of interest," said Trillian, "what are we going to -do?" - -"Just keep cool," said Zaphod. - -"Is that all?" shouted Arthur. - -"No, we're also going to ... er ... take evasive action!" said -Zaphod with a sudden access of panic. "Computer, what evasive -action can we take?" - -"Er, none I'm afraid, guys," said the computer. - -"... or something," said Zaphod, "... er ..." he said. - -"There seems to be something jamming my guidance system," -explained the computer brightly, "impact minus forty-five -seconds. Please call me Eddie if it will help you to relax." - -Zaphod tried to run in several equally decisive directions -simultaneously. "Right!" he said. "Er ... we've got to get manual -control of this ship." - -"Can you fly her?" asked Ford pleasantly. - -"No, can you?" - -"No." - -"Trillian, can you?" - -"No." - -"Fine," said Zaphod, relaxing. "We'll do it together." - -"I can't either," said Arthur, who felt it was time he began to -assert himself. - -"I'd guessed that," said Zaphod. "OK computer, I want full manual -control now." - -"You got it," said the computer. - -Several large desk panels slid open and banks of control consoles -sprang up out of them, showering the crew with bits of expanded -polystyrene packaging and balls of rolled-up cellophane: these -controls had never been used before. - -Zaphod stared at them wildly. - -"OK, Ford," he said, "full retro thrust and ten degrees -starboard. Or something ..." - -"Good luck guys," chirped the computer, "impact minus thirty -seconds ..." - -Ford leapt to the controls - only a few of them made any -immediate sense to him so he pulled those. The ship shook and -screamed as its guidance rocked jets tried to push it every which -way simultaneously. He released half of them and the ship span -round in a tight arc and headed back the way it had come, -straight towards the oncoming missiles. - -Air cushions ballooned out of the walls in an instant as everyone -was thrown against them. For a few seconds the inertial forces -held them flattened and squirming for breath, unable to move. -Zaphod struggled and pushed in manic desperation and finally -managed a savage kick at a small lever that formed part of the -guidance system. - -The lever snapped off. The ship twisted sharply and rocketed -upwards. The crew were hurled violently back across the cabin. -Ford's copy of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy smashed into -another section of the control console with the combined result -that the guide started to explain to anyone who cared to listen -about the best ways of smuggling Antarean parakeet glands out of -Antares (an Antarean parakeet gland stuck on a small stick is a -revolting but much sought after cocktail delicacy and very large -sums of money are often paid for them by very rich idiots who -want to impress other very rich idiots), and the ship suddenly -dropped out of the sky like a stone. - -It was of course more or less at this moment that one of the crew -sustained a nasty bruise to the upper arm. This should be -emphasized because, as had already been revealed, they escape -otherwise completely unharmed and the deadly nuclear missiles do -not eventually hit the ship. The safety of the crew is absolutely -assured. - -"Impact minus twenty seconds, guys ..." said the computer. - -"Then turn the bloody engines back on!" bawled Zaphod. - -"OK, sure thing, guys," said the computer. With a subtle roar the -engines cut back in, the ship smoothly flattened out of its dive -and headed back towards the missiles again. - -The computer started to sing. - -"When you walk through the storm ..." it whined nasally, "hold -your head up high ..." - -Zaphod screamed at it to shut up, but his voice was lost in the -din of what they quite naturally assumed was approaching -destruction. - -"And don't ... be afraid ... of the dark!" Eddie wailed. - -The ship, in flattening out had in fact flattened out upside down -and lying on the ceiling as they were it was now totally -impossible for any of the crew to reach the guidance systems. - -"At the end of the storm ..." crooned Eddie. - -The two missiles loomed massively on the screens as they -thundered towards the ship. - -"... is a golden sky ..." - -But by an extraordinarily lucky chance they had not yet fully -corrected their flight paths to that of the erratically weaving -ship, and they passed right under it. - -"And the sweet silver songs of the lark ... Revised impact time -fifteen seconds fellas ... Walk on through the wind ..." - -The missiles banked round in a screeching arc and plunged back -into pursuit. - -"This is it," said Arthur watching them. "We are now quite -definitely going to die aren't we?" - -"I wish you'd stop saying that," shouted Ford. - -"Well we are aren't we?" - -"Yes." - -"Walk on through the rain ..." sang Eddie. - -A thought struck Arthur. He struggled to his feet. - -"Why doesn't anyone turn on this Improbability Drive thing?" he -said. "We could probably reach that." - -"What are you crazy?" said Zaphod. "Without proper programming -anything could happen." - -"Does that matter at this stage?" shouted Arthur. - -"Though your dreams be tossed and blown ..." sand Eddie. - -Arthur scrambled up on to one end of the excitingly chunky pieces -of moulded contouring where the curve of the wall met the -ceiling. - -"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart ..." - -"Does anyone know why Arthur can't turn on the Improbability -Drive?" shouted Trillian. - -"And you'll never walk alone ... Impact minus five seconds, it's -been great knowing you guys, God bless ... You'll ne ... ver ... -walk ... alone!" - -"I said," yelled Trillian, "does anyone know ..." - -The next thing that happened was a mid-mangling explosion of -noise and light. - -================================================================= -Chapter 18 - -And the next thing that happened after that was that the Heart of -Gold continued on its way perfectly normally with a rather -fetchingly redesigned interior. It was somewhat larger, and done -out in delicate pastel shades of green and blue. In the centre a -spiral staircase, leading nowhere in particular, stood in a spray -of ferns and yellow flowers and next to it a stone sundial -pedestal housed the main computer terminal. Cunningly deployed -lighting and mirrors created the illusion of standing in a -conservatory overlooking a wide stretch of exquisitely manicured -garden. Around the periphery of the conservatory area stood -marble-topped tables on intricately beautiful wrought-iron legs. -As you gazed into the polished surface of the marble the vague -forms of instruments became visible, and as you touched them the -instruments materialized instantly under your hands. Looked at -from the correct angles the mirrors appeared to reflect all the -required data readouts, though it was far from clear where they -were reflected from. It was in fact sensationally beautiful. - -Relaxing in a wickerwork sun chair, Zaphod Beeblebrox said, "What -the hell happened?" - -"Well I was just saying," said Arthur lounging by a small fish -pool, "there's this Improbability Drive switch over here ..." he -waved at where it had been. There was a potted plant there now. - -"But where are we?" said Ford who was sitting on the spiral -staircase, a nicely chilled Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in his -hand. - -"Exactly where we were, I think ..." said Trillian, as all about -them the mirrors showed them an image of the blighted landscape -of Magrathea which still scooted along beneath them. - -Zaphod leapt out of his seat. - -"Then what's happened to the missiles?" he said. - -A new and astounding image appeared in the mirrors. - -"They would appear," said Ford doubtfully, "to have turned into a -bowl of petunias and a very surprised looking whale ..." - -"At an Improbability Factor," cut in Eddie, who hadn't changed a -bit, "of eight million seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand one -hundred and twenty-eight to one against." - -Zaphod stared at Arthur. - -"Did you think of that, Earthman?" he demanded. - -"Well," said Arthur, "all I did was ..." - -"That's very good thinking you know. Turn on the Improbability -Drive for a second without first activating the proofing screens. -Hey kid you just saved our lives, you know that?" - -"Oh," said Arthur, "well, it was nothing really ..." - -"Was it?" said Zaphod. "Oh well, forget it then. OK, computer, -take us in to land." - -"But ..." - -"I said forget it." - -Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all -probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence -several miles above the surface of an alien planet. - -And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, -this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms -with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms -with not being a whale any more. - -This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it -began its life till the moment it ended it. - -Ah ... ! What's happening? it thought. - -Er, excuse me, who am I? - -Hello? - -Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? - -What do I mean by who am I? - -Calm down, get a grip now ... oh! this is an interesting -sensation, what is it? It's a sort of ... yawning, tingling -sensation in my ... my ... well I suppose I'd better start -finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what -for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the -world, so let's call it my stomach. - -Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about -this whistling roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly going -to call my head? Perhaps I can call that ... wind! Is that a good -name? It'll do ... perhaps I can find a better name for it later -when I've found out what it's for. It must be something very -important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of -it. Hey! What's this thing? This ... let's call it a tail - yeah, -tail. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can't I? -Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but -I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now - have I built -up any coherent picture of things yet? - -No. - -Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out -about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with -anticipation ... - -Or is it the wind? - -There really is a lot of that now isn't it? - -And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very -fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big -wide sounding name like ... ow ... ound ... round ... ground! -That's it! That's a good name - ground! - -I wonder if it will be friends with me? - -And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence. - -Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of -the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people -have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias -had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the -universe than we do now. - -================================================================= -Chapter 19 - -"Are we taking this robot with us?" said Ford, looking with -distaste at Marvin who was standing in an awkward hunched posture -in the corner under a small palm tree. - -Zaphod glanced away from the mirror screens which presented a -panoramic view of the blighted landscape on which the Heart of -Gold had now landed. - -"Oh, the Paranoid Android," he said. "Yeah, we'll take him." - -"But what are supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?" - -"You think you've got problems," said Marvin as if he was -addressing a newly occupied coffin, "what are you supposed to do -if you are a manically depressed robot? No, don't bother to -answer that, I'm fifty thousand times more intelligent than you -and even I don't know the answer. It gives me a headache just -trying to think down to your level." - -Trillian burst in through the door from her cabin. - -"My white mice have escaped!" she said. - -An expression of deep worry and concern failed to cross either of -Zaphod's faces. - -"Nuts to your white mice," he said. - -Trillian glared an upset glare at him, and disappeared again. - -It is possible that her remark would have commanded greater -attention had it been generally realized that human beings were -only the third most intelligent life form present on the planet -Earth, instead of (as was generally thought by most independent -observers) the second. - -"Good afternoon boys." - -The voice was oddly familiar, but oddly different. It had a -matriarchal twang. It announced itself to the crew as they -arrived at the airlock hatchway that would let them out on the -planet surface. - -They looked at each other in puzzlement. - -"It's the computer," explained Zaphod. "I discovered it had an -emergency back-up personality that I thought might work out -better." - -"Now this is going to be your first day out on a strange new -planet," continued Eddie's new voice, "so I want you all wrapped -up snug and warm, and no playing with any naughty bug-eyed -monsters." - -Zaphod tapped impatiently on the hatch. - -"I'm sorry," he said, "I think we might be better off with a -slide rule." - -"Right!" snapped the computer. "Who said that?" - -"Will you open the exit hatch please, computer?" said Zaphod -trying not to get angry. - -"Not until whoever said that owns up," urged the computer, -stamping a few synapses closed. - -"Oh God," muttered Ford, slumped against a bulkhead and started -to count to ten. He was desperately worried that one day -sentinent life forms would forget how to do this. Only by -counting could humans demonstrate their independence of -computers. - -"Come on," said Eddie sternly. - -"Computer ..." began Zaphod ... - -"I'm waiting," interrupted Eddie. "I can wait all day if -necessary ..." - -"Computer ..." said Zaphod again, who had been trying to think of -some subtle piece of reasoning to put the computer down with, and -had decided not to bother competing with it on its own ground, -"if you don't open that exit hatch this moment I shall zap -straight off to your major data banks and reprogram you with a -very large axe, got that?" - -Eddie, shocked, paused and considered this. - -Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most -aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of -going up to a human being and saying Blood ... blood ... blood -... blood ... - -Finally Eddie said quietly, "I can see this relationship is -something we're all going to have to work at," and the hatchway -opened. - -An icy wind ripped into them, they hugged themselves warmly and -stepped down the ramp on to the barren dust of Magrathea. - -"It'll all end in tears, I know it," shouted Eddie after them and -closed the hatchway again. - -A few minutes later he opened and closed the hatchway again in -response to a command that caught him entirely by surprise. - -================================================================= -Chapter 20 - -Five figures wandered slowly over the blighted land. Bits of it -were dullish grey, bits of it dullish brown, the rest of it -rather less interesting to look at. It was like a dried-out -marsh, now barren of all vegetation and covered with a layer of -dust about an inch thick. It was very cold. - -Zaphod was clearly rather depressed about it. He stalked off by -himself and was soon lost to sight behind a slight rise in the -ground. - -The wind stung Arthur's eyes and ears, and the stale thin air -clasped his throat. However, the thing stung most was his mind. - -"It's fantastic ..." he said, and his own voice rattled his ears. -Sound carried badly in this thin atmosphere. - -"Desolate hole if you ask me," said Ford. "I could have more fun -in a cat litter." He felt a mounting irritation. Of all the -planets in all the star systems of all the Galaxy - didn't he -just have to turn up at a dump like this after fifteen years of -being a castaway? Not even a hot dog stand in evidence. He -stooped down and picked up a cold clot of earth, but there was -nothing underneath it worth crossing thousands of light years to -look at. - -"No," insisted Arthur, "don't you understand, this is the first -time I've actually stood on the surface of another planet ... a -whole alien world ...! Pity it's such a dump though." - -Trillian hugged herself, shivered and frowned. She could have -sworn she saw a slight and unexpected movement out of the corner -of her eye, but when she glanced in that direction all she could -see was the ship, still and silent, a hundred yards or so behind -them. - -She was relieved when a second or so later they caught sight of -Zaphod standing on top of the ridge of ground and waving to them -to come and join him. - -He seemed to be excited, but they couldn't clearly hear what he -was saying because of the thinnish atmosphere and the wind. - -As they approached the ridge of higher ground they became aware -that it seemed to be circular - a crater about a hundred and -fifty yards wide. Round the outside of the crater the sloping -ground was spattered with black and red lumps. They stopped and -looked at a piece. It was wet. It was rubbery. - -With horror they suddenly realized that it was fresh whalemeat. - -At the top of the crater's lip they met Zaphod. - -"Look," he said, pointing into the crater. - -In the centre lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale -that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot. -The silence was only disturbed by the slight involuntary spasms -of Trillian's throat. - -"I suppose there's no point in trying to bury it?" murmured -Arthur, and then wished he hadn't. - -"Come," said Zaphod and started back down into the crater. - -"What, down there?" said Trillian with severe distaste. - -"Yeah," said Zaphod, "come on, I've got something to show you." - -"We can see it," said Trillian. - -"Not that," said Zaphod, "something else. Come on." - -They all hesitated. - -"Come on," insisted Zaphod, "I've found a way in." - -"In?" said Arthur in horror. - -"Into the interior of the planet! An underground passage. The -force of the whale's impact cracked it open, and that's where we -have to go. Where no man has trod these five million years, into -the very depths of time itself ..." - -Marvin started his ironical humming again. - -Zaphod hit him and he shut up. - -With little shudders of disgust they all followed Zaphod down the -incline into the crater, trying very hard not to look at its -unfortunate creator. - -"Life," said Marvin dolefully, "loathe it or ignore it, you can't -like it." - -The ground had caved in where the whale had hit it revealing a -network of galleries and passages, now largely obstructed by -collapsed rubble and entrails. Zaphod had made a start clearing a -way into one of them, but Marvin was able to do it rather faster. -Dank air wafted out of its dark recesses, and as Zaphod shone a -torch into it, little was visible in the dusty gloom. - -"According to the legends," he said, "the Magratheans lived most -of their lives underground." - -"Why's that?" said Arthur. "Did the surface become too polluted -or overpopulated?" - -"No, I don't think so," said Zaphod. "I think they just didn't -like it very much." - -"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" said Trillian peering -nervously into the darkness. "We've been attacked once already -you know." - -"Look kid, I promise you the live population of this planet is -nil plus the four of us, so come on, let's get on in there. Er, -hey Earthman ..." - -"Arthur," said Arthur. - -"Yeah could you just sort of keep this robot with you and guard -this end of the passageway. OK?" - -"Guard?" said Arthur. "What from? You just said there's no one -here." - -"Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?" said Zaphod. - -"Whose? Yours or mine?" - -"Good lad. OK, here we go." - -Zaphod scrambled down into the passage, followed by Trillian and -Ford. - -"Well I hope you all have a really miserable time," complained -Arthur. - -"Don't worry," Marvin assured him, "they will." - -In a few seconds they had disappeared from view. - -Arthur stamped around in a huff, and then decided that a whale's -graveyard is not on the whole a good place to stamp around in. - -Marvin eyed him balefully for a moment, and then turned himself -off. - -Zaphod marched quickly down the passageway, nervous as hell, but -trying to hide it by striding purposefully. He flung the torch -beam around. The walls were covered in dark tiles and were cold -to the touch, the air thick with decay. - -"There, what did I tell you?" he said. "An inhabited planet. -Magrathea," and he strode on through the dirt and debris that -littered the tile floor. - -Trillian was reminded unavoidably of the London Underground, -though it was less thoroughly squalid. - -At intervals along the walls the tiles gave way to large mosaics -- simple angular patterns in bright colours. Trillian stopped and -studied one of them but could not interpret any sense in them. -She called to Zaphod. - -"Hey, have you any idea what these strange symbols are?" - -"I think they're just strange symbols of some kind," said Zaphod, -hardly glancing back. - -Trillian shrugged and hurried after him. - -From time to time a doorway led either to the left or right into -smallish chambers which Ford discovered to be full of derelict -computer equipment. He dragged Zaphod into one to have a look. -Trillian followed. - -"Look," said Ford, "you reckon this is Magrathea ..." - -"Yeah," said Zaphod, "and we heard the voice, right?" - -"OK, so I've bought the fact that it's Magrathea - for the -moment. What you have so far said nothing about is how in the -Galaxy you found it. You didn't just look it up in a star atlas, -that's for sure." - -"Research. Government archives. Detective work. Few lucky -guesses. Easy." - -"And then you stole the Heart of Gold to come and look for it -with?" - -"I stole it to look for a lot of things." - -"A lot of things?" said Ford in surprise. "Like what?" - -"I don't know." - -"What?" - -"I don't know what I'm looking for." - -"Why not?" - -"Because ... because ... I think it might be because if I knew I -wouldn't be able to look for them." - -"What, are you crazy?" - -"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," said Zaphod -quietly. "I only know as much about myself as my mind can work -out under its current conditions. And its current conditions are -not good." - -For a long time nobody said anything as Ford gazed at Zaphod with -a mind suddenly full of worry. - -"Listen old friend, if you want to ..." started Ford eventually. - -"No, wait ... I'll tell you something," said Zaphod. "I freewheel -a lot. I get an idea to do something, and, hey, why not, I do it. -I reckon I'll become President of the Galaxy, and it just -happens, it's easy. I decide to steal this ship. I decide to look -for Magrathea, and it all just happens. Yeah, I work out how it -can best be done, right, but it always works out. It's like -having a Galacticredit card which keeps on working though you -never send off the cheques. And then whenever I stop and think - -why did I want to do something? - how did I work out how to do -it? - I get a very strong desire just to stop thinking about it. -Like I have now. It's a big effort to talk about it." - -Zaphod paused for a while. For a while there was silence. Then he -frowned and said, "Last night I was worrying about this again. -About the fact that part of my mind just didn't seem to work -properly. Then it occurred to me that the way it seemed was that -someone else was using my mind to have good ideas with, without -telling me about it. I put the two ideas together and decided -that maybe that somebody had locked off part of my mind for that -purpose, which was why I couldn't use it. I wondered if there was -a way I could check. - -"I went to the ship's medical bay and plugged myself into the -encephelographic screen. I went through every major screening -test on both my heads - all the tests I had to go through under -government medical officers before my nomination for Presidency -could be properly ratified. They showed up nothing. Nothing -unexpected at least. They showed that I was clever, imaginative, -irresponsible, untrustworthy, extrovert, nothing you couldn't -have guessed. And no other anomalies. So I started inventing -further tests, completely at random. Nothing. Then I tried -superimposing the results from one head on top of the results -from the other head. Still nothing. Finally I got silly, because -I'd given it all up as nothing more than an attack of paranoia. -Last thing I did before I packed it in was take the superimposed -picture and look at it through a green filter. You remember I was -always superstitious about the color green when I was a kid? I -always wanted to be a pilot on one of the trading scouts?" - -Ford nodded. - -"And there it was," said Zaphod, "clear as day. A whole section -in the middle of both brains that related only to each other and -not to anything else around them. Some bastard had cauterized all -the synapses and electronically traumatised those two lumps of -cerebellum." - -Ford stared at him, aghast. Trillian had turned white. - -"Somebody did that to you?" whispered Ford. - -"Yeah." - -"But have you any idea who? Or why?" - -"Why? I can only guess. But I do know who the bastard was." - -"You know? How do you know?" - -"Because they left their initials burnt into the cauterized -synapses. They left them there for me to see." - -Ford stared at him in horror and felt his skin begin to crawl. - -"Initials? Burnt into your brain?" - -"Yeah." - -"Well, what were they, for God's sake?" - -Zaphod looked at him in silence again for a moment. Then he -looked away. - -"Z.B.," he said. - -At that moment a steel shutter slammed down behind them and gas -started to pour into the chamber. - -"I'll tell you about it later," choked Zaphod as all three passed -out. - -================================================================= -Chapter 21 - -On the surface of Magrathea Arthur wandered about moodily. - -Ford had thoughtfully left him his copy of The Hitch Hiker's -Guide to the Galaxy to while away the time with. He pushed a few -buttons at random. - -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a very unevenly edited -book and contains many passages that simply seemed to its editors -like a good idea at the time. - -One of these (the one Arthur now came across) supposedly relates -the experiences of one Veet Voojagig, a quiet young student at -the University of Maximegalon, who pursued a brilliant academic -career studying ancient philology, transformational ethics and -the wave harmonic theory of historical perception, and then, -after a night of drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with -Zaphod Beeblebrox, became increasingly obsessed with the problem -of what had happened to all the biros he'd bought over the past -few years. - -There followed a long period of painstaking research during which -he visited all the major centres of biro loss throughout the -galaxy and eventually came up with a quaint little theory which -quite caught the public imagination at the time. Somewhere in the -cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by -humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and -superintelligent shades of the colour blue, there was also a -planet entirely given over to biro life forms. And it was to this -planet that unattended biros would make their way, slipping away -quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew -they could enjoy a uniquely biroid lifestyle, responding to -highly biro-oriented stimuli, and generally leading the biro -equivalent of the good life. - -And as theories go this was all very fine and pleasant until Veet -Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet, and to have -worked there for a while driving a limousine for a family of -cheap green retractables, whereupon he was taken away, locked up, -wrote a book, and was finally sent into tax exile, which is the -usual fate reserved for those who are determined to make a fool -of themselves in public. - -When one day an expedition was sent to the spatial coordinates -that Voojagig had claimed for this planet they discovered only a -small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed -repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered -to be lying. - -There did, however, remain the question of both the mysterious -60,000 Altairan dollars paid yearly into his Brantisvogan bank -account, and of course Zaphod Beeblebrox's highly profitable -second-hand biro business. - -Arthur read this, and put the book down. - -The robot still sat there, completely inert. - -Arthur got up and walked to the top of the crater. He walked -around the crater. He watched two suns set magnificently over -Magrathea. - -He went back down into the crater. He woke the robot up because -even a manically depressed robot is better to talk to than -nobody. - -"Night's falling," he said. "Look robot, the stars are coming -out." - -From the heart of a dark nebula it is possible to see very few -stars, and only very faintly, but they were there to be seen. - -The robot obediently looked at them, then looked back. - -"I know," he said. "Wretched isn't it?" - -"But that sunset! I've never seen anything like it in my wildest -dreams ... the two suns! It was like mountains of fire boiling -into space." - -"I've seen it," said Marvin. "It's rubbish." - -"We only ever had the one sun at home," persevered Arthur, "I -came from a planet called Earth you know." - -"I know," said Marvin, "you keep going on about it. It sounds -awful." - -"Ah no, it was a beautiful place." - -"Did it have oceans?" - -"Oh yes," said Arthur with a sigh, "great wide rolling blue -oceans ..." - -"Can't bear oceans," said Marvin. - -"Tell me," inquired Arthur, "do you get on well with other -robots?" - -"Hate them," said Marvin. "Where are you going?" - -Arthur couldn't bear any more. He had got up again. - -"I think I'll just take another walk," he said. - -"Don't blame you," said Marvin and counted five hundred and -ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a -second later. - -Arthur slapped his arms about himself to try and get his -circulation a little more enthusiastic about its job. He trudged -back up the wall of the crater. - -Because the atmosphere was so thin and because there was no moon, -nightfall was very rapid and it was by now very dark. Because of -this, Arthur practically walked into the old man before he -noticed him. - -================================================================= -Chapter 22 - -He was standing with his back to Arthur watching the very last -glimmers of light sink into blackness behind the horizon. He was -tallish, elderly and dressed in a single long grey robe. When he -turned his face was thin and distinguished, careworn but not -unkind, the sort of face you would happily bank with. But he -didn't turn yet, not even to react to Arthur's yelp of surprise. - -Eventually the last rays of the sun had vanished completely, and -he turned. His face was still illuminated from somewhere, and -when Arthur looked for the source of the light he saw that a few -yards away stood a small craft of some kind - a small hovercraft, -Arthur guessed. It shed a dim pool of light around it. - -The man looked at Arthur, sadly it seemed. - -"You choose a cold night to visit our dead planet," he said. - -"Who ... who are you?" stammered Arthur. - -The man looked away. Again a kind of sadness seemed to cross his -face. - -"My name is not important," he said. - -He seemed to have something on his mind. Conversation was clearly -something he felt he didn't have to rush at. Arthur felt awkward. - -"I ... er ... you startled me ..." he said, lamely. - -The man looked round to him again and slightly raised his -eyebrows. - -"Hmmmm?" he said. - -"I said you startled me." - -"Do not be alarmed, I will not harm you." - -Arthur frowned at him. "But you shot at us! There were missiles -..." he said. - -The man chuckled slightly. - -"An automatic system," he said and gave a small sigh. "Ancient -computers ranged in the bowels of the planet tick away the dark -millennia, and the ages hang heavy on their dusty data banks. I -think they take the occasional pot shot to relieve the monotony." - -He looked gravely at Arthur and said, "I'm a great fan of science -you know." - -"Oh ... er, really?" said Arthur, who was beginning to find the -man's curious, kindly manner disconcerting. - -"Oh, yes," said the old man, and simply stopped talking again. - -"Ah," said Arthur, "er ..." He had an odd felling of being like a -man in the act of adultery who is surprised when the woman's -husband wanders into the room, changes his trousers, passes a few -idle remarks about the weather and leaves again. - -"You seem ill at ease," said the old man with polite concern. - -"Er, no ... well, yes. Actually you see, we weren't really -expecting to find anybody about in fact. I sort of gathered that -you were all dead or something ..." - -"Dead?" said the old man. "Good gracious no, we have but slept." - -"Slept?" said Arthur incredulously. - -"Yes, through the economic recession you see," said the old man, -apparently unconcerned about whether Arthur understood a word -he was talking about or not. - -"Er, economic recession?" - -"Well you see, five million years ago the Galactic economy -collapsed, and seeing that custom-made planets are something of a -luxury commodity you see ..." - -He paused and looked at Arthur. - -"You know we built planets do you?" he asked solemnly. - -"Well yes," said Arthur, "I'd sort of gathered ..." - -"Fascinating trade," said the old man, and a wistful look came -into his eyes, "doing the coastlines was always my favourite. -Used to have endless fun doing the little bits in fjords ... so -anyway," he said trying to find his thread again, "the recession -came and we decided it would save us a lot of bother if we just -slept through it. So we programmed the computers to revive us -when it was all over." - -The man stifled a very slight yawn and continued. - -"The computers were index linked to the Galactic stock market -prices you see, so that we'd all be revived when everybody else -had rebuilt the economy enough to afford our rather expensive -services." - -Arthur, a regular Guardian reader, was deeply shocked at this. - -"That's a pretty unpleasant way to behave isn't it?" - -"Is it?" asked the old man mildly. "I'm sorry, I'm a bit out of -touch." - -He pointed down into the crater. - -"Is that robot yours?" he said. - -"No," came a thin metallic voice from the crater, "I'm mine." - -"If you'd call it a robot," muttered Arthur. "It's more a sort of -electronic sulking machine." - -"Bring it," said the old man. Arthur was quite surprised to hear -a note of decision suddenly present in the old man's voice. He -called to Marvin who crawled up the slope making a big show of -being lame, which he wasn't. - -"On second thoughts," said the old man, "leave it here. You must -come with me. Great things are afoot." He turned towards his -craft which, though no apparent signal had been given, now -drifted quietly towards them through the dark. - -Arthur looked down at Marvin, who now made an equally big show of -turning round laboriously and trudging off down into the crater -again muttering sour nothings to himself. - -"Come," called the old man, "come now or you will be late." - -"Late?" said Arthur. "What for?" - -"What is your name, human?" - -"Dent. Arthur Dent," said Arthur. - -"Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent," said the old man, sternly. -"It's a sort of threat you see." Another wistful look came into -his tired old eyes. "I've never been very good at them myself, -but I'm told they can be very effective." - -Arthur blinked at him. - -"What an extraordinary person," he muttered to himself. - -"I beg your pardon?" said the old man. - -"Oh nothing, I'm sorry," said Arthur in embarrassment. "Alright, -where do we go?" - -"In my aircar," said the old man motioning Arthur to get into the -craft which had settled silently next to them. "We are going deep -into the bowels of the planet where even now our race is being -revived from its five-million-year slumber. Magrathea awakes." - -Arthur shivered involuntarily as he seated himself next to the -old man. The strangeness of it, the silent bobbing movement of -the craft as it soared into the night sky quite unsettled him. - -He looked at the old man, his face illuminated by the dull glow -of tiny lights on the instrument panel. - -"Excuse me," he said to him, "what is your name by the way?" - -"My name?" said the old man, and the same distant sadness came -into his face again. He paused. "My name," he said, "... is -Slartibartfast." - -Arthur practically choked. - -"I beg your pardon?" he spluttered. - -"Slartibartfast," repeated the old man quietly. - -"Slartibartfast?" - -The old man looked at him gravely. - -"I said it wasn't important," he said. - -The aircar sailed through the night. - -================================================================= -Chapter 23 - -It is an important and popular fact that things are not always -what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always -assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had -achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst -all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having -a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed -that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the -same reasons. - -Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending -destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to -alert mankind of the danger; but most of their communications -were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or -whistle for tidbits, so they eventually gave up and left the -Earth by their own means shortly before the Vogons arrived. - -The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a -surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards- -somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the "Star Sprangled -Banner", but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for -all the fish. - -In fact there was only one species on the planet more intelligent -than dolphins, and they spent a lot of their time in behavioural -research laboratories running round inside wheels and conducting -frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man. The fact -that once again man completely misinterpreted this relationship -was entirely according to these creatures' plans. - -================================================================= -Chapter 24 - -Silently the aircar coasted through the cold darkness, a single -soft glow of light that was utterly alone in the deep Magrathean -night. It sped swiftly. Arthur's companion seemed sunk in his own -thoughts, and when Arthur tried on a couple of occasions to -engage him in conversation again he would simply reply by asking -if he was comfortable enough, and then left it at that. - -Arthur tried to gauge the speed at which they were travelling, -but the blackness outside was absolute and he was denied any -reference points. The sense of motion was so soft and slight he -could almost believe they were hardly moving at all. - -Then a tiny glow of light appeared in the far distance and within -seconds had grown so much in size that Arthur realized it was -travelling towards them at a colossal speed, and he tried to make -out what sort of craft it might be. He peered at it, but was -unable to discern any clear shape, and suddenly gasped in alarm -as the aircraft dipped sharply and headed downwards in what -seemed certain to be a collision course. Their relative velocity -seemed unbelievable, and Arthur had hardly time to draw breath -before it was all over. The next thing he was aware of was an -insane silver blur that seemed to surround him. He twisted his -head sharply round and saw a small black point dwindling rapidly -in the distance behind them, and it took him several seconds to -realize what had happened. - -They had plunged into a tunnel in the ground. The colossal speed -had been their own relative to the glow of light which was a -stationary hole in the ground, the mouth of the tunnel. The -insane blur of silver was the circular wall of the tunnel down -which they were shooting, apparently at several hundred miles an -hour. - -He closed his eyes in terror. - -After a length of time which he made no attempt to judge, he -sensed a slight subsidence in their speed and some while later -became aware that they were gradually gliding to a gentle halt. - -He opened his eyes again. They were still in the silver tunnel, -threading and weaving their way through what appeared to be a -crisscross warren of converging tunnels. When they finally -stopped it was in a small chamber of curved steel. Several -tunnels also had their terminus here, and at the farther end of -the chamber Arthur could see a large circle of dim irritating -light. It was irritating because it played tricks with the eyes, -it was impossible to focus on it properly or tell how near or far -it was. Arthur guessed (quite wrongly) that it might be ultra -violet. - -Slartibartfast turned and regarded Arthur with his solemn old -eyes. - -"Earthman," he said, "we are now deep in the heart of Magrathea." - -"How did you know I was an Earthman?" demanded Arthur. - -"These things will become clear to you," said the old man gently, -"at least," he added with slight doubt in his voice, "clearer -than they are at the moment." - -He continued: "I should warn you that the chamber we are about to -pass into does not literally exist within our planet. It is a -little too ... large. We are about to pass through a gateway into -a vast tract of hyperspace. It may disturb you." - -Arthur made nervous noises. - -Slartibartfast touched a button and added, not entirely -reassuringly. "It scares the willies out of me. Hold tight." - -The car shot forward straight into the circle of light, and -suddenly Arthur had a fairly clear idea of what infinity looked -like. - -It wasn't infinity in fact. Infinity itself looks flat and -uninteresting. Looking up into the night sky is looking into -infinity - distance is incomprehensible and therefore -meaningless. The chamber into which the aircar emerged was -anything but infinite, it was just very very big, so that it gave -the impression of infinity far better than infinity itself. - -Arthur's senses bobbed and span, as, travelling at the immense -speed he knew the aircar attained, they climbed slowly through -the open air leaving the gateway through which they had passed an -invisible pinprick in the shimmering wall behind them. - -The wall. - -The wall defied the imagination - seduced it and defeated it. The -wall was so paralysingly vast and sheer that its top, bottom and -sides passed away beyond the reach of sight. The mere shock of -vertigo could kill a man. - -The wall appeared perfectly flat. It would take the finest laser -measuring equipment to detect that as it climbed, apparently to -infinity, as it dropped dizzily away, as it planed out to either -side, it also curved. It met itself again thirteen light seconds -away. In other words the wall formed the inside of a hollow -sphere, a sphere over three million miles across and flooded with -unimaginable light. - -"Welcome," said Slartibartfast as the tiny speck that was the -aircar, travelling now at three times the speed of sound, crept -imperceptibly forward into the mindboggling space, "welcome," he -said, "to our factory floor." - -Arthur stared about him in a kind of wonderful horror. Ranged -away before them, at distances he could neither judge nor even -guess at, were a series of curious suspensions, delicate -traceries of metal and light hung about shadowy spherical shapes -that hung in the space. - -"This," said Slartibartfast, "is where we make most of our -planets you see." - -"You mean," said Arthur, trying to form the words, "you mean -you're starting it all up again now?" - -"No no, good heavens no," exclaimed the old man, "no, the Galaxy -isn't nearly rich enough to support us yet. No, we've been -awakened to perform just one extraordinary commission for very -... special clients from another dimension. It may interest you -... there in the distance in front of us." - -Arthur followed the old man's finger, till he was able to pick -out the floating structure he was pointing out. It was indeed the -only one of the many structures that betrayed any sign of -activity about it, though this was more a sublimal impression -than anything one could put one's finger on. - -At the moment however a flash of light arced through the -structure and revealed in stark relief the patterns that were -formed on the dark sphere within. Patterns that Arthur knew, -rough blobby shapes that were as familiar to him as the shapes of -words, part of the furniture of his mind. For a few seconds he -sat in stunned silence as the images rushed around his mind and -tried to find somewhere to settle down and make sense. - -Part of his brain told him that he knew perfectly well what he -was looking at and what the shapes represented whilst another -quite sensibly refused to countenance the idea and abdicated -responsibility for any further thinking in that direction. - -The flash came again, and this time there could be no doubt. - -"The Earth ..." whispered Arthur. - -"Well, the Earth Mark Two in fact," said Slartibartfast -cheerfully. "We're making a copy from our original blueprints." - -There was a pause. - -"Are you trying to tell me," said Arthur, slowly and with -control, "that you originally ... made the Earth?" - -"Oh yes," said Slartibartfast. "Did you ever go to a place ... I -think it was called Norway?" - -"No," said Arthur, "no, I didn't." - -"Pity," said Slartibartfast, "that was one of mine. Won an award -you know. Lovely crinkly edges. I was most upset to hear about -its destruction." - -"You were upset!" - -"Yes. Five minutes later and it wouldn't have mattered so much. -It was a quite shocking cock-up." - -"Huh?" said Arthur. - -"The mice were furious." - -"The mice were furious?" - -"Oh yes," said the old man mildly. - -"Yes well so I expect were the dogs and cats and duckbilled -platypuses, but ..." - -"Ah, but they hadn't paid for it you see, had they?" - -"Look," said Arthur, "would it save you a lot of time if I just -gave up and went mad now?" - -For a while the aircar flew on in awkward silence. Then the old -man tried patiently to explain. - -"Earthman, the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for, -and run by mice. It was destroyed five minutes before the -completion of the purpose for which it was built, and we've got -to build another one." - -Only one word registered with Arthur. - -"Mice?" he said. - -"Indeed Earthman." - -"Look, sorry - are we talking about the little white furry things -with the cheese fixation and women standing on tables screaming -in early sixties sit coms?" - -Slartibartfast coughed politely. - -"Earthman," he said, "it is sometimes hard to follow your mode of -speech. Remember I have been asleep inside this planet of -Magrathea for five million years and know little of these early -sixties sit coms of which you speak. These creatures you call -mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely -the protrusion into our dimension of vast hyperintelligent pan- -dimensional beings. The whole business with the cheese and the -squeaking is just a front." - -The old man paused, and with a sympathetic frown continued. - -"They've been experimenting on you I'm afraid." - -Arthur thought about this for a second, and then his face -cleared. - -"Ah no," he said, "I see the source of the misunderstanding now. -No, look you see, what happened was that we used to do -experiments on them. They were often used in behavioural -research, Pavlov and all that sort of stuff. So what happened was -hat the mice would be set all sorts of tests, learning to ring -bells, run around mazes and things so that the whole nature of -the learning process could be examined. From our observations of -their behaviour we were able to learn all sorts of things about -our own ..." - -Arthur's voice tailed off. - -"Such subtlety ..." said Slartibartfast, "one has to admire it." - -"What?" said Arthur. - -"How better to disguise their real natures, and how better to -guide your thinking. Suddenly running down a maze the wrong way, -eating the wrong bit of cheese, unexpectedly dropping dead of -myxomatosis, - if it's finely calculated the cumulative effect is -enormous." - -He paused for effect. - -"You see, Earthman, they really are particularly clever -hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings. Your planet and people -have formed the matrix of an organic computer running a ten- -million-year research programme ... - -"Let me tell you the whole story. It'll take a little time." - -"Time," said Arthur weakly, "is not currently one of my -problems." - -================================================================= -Chapter 25 - -There are of course many problems connected with life, of which -some of the most popular are Why are people born? Why do they -die? Why do they want to spend so much of the intervening time -wearing digital watches? - -Many many millions of years ago a race of hyperintelligent pan- -dimensional beings (whose physical manifestation in their own -pan-dimensional universe is not dissimilar to our own) got so fed -up with the constant bickering about the meaning of life which -used to interrupt their favourite pastime of Brockian Ultra -Cricket (a curious game which involved suddenly hitting people -for no readily apparent reason and then running away) that they -decided to sit down and solve their problems once and for all. - -And to this end they built themselves a stupendous super computer -which was so amazingly intelligent that even before the data -banks had been connected up it had started from I think therefore -I am and got as far as the existence of rice pudding and income -tax before anyone managed to turn it off. - -It was the size of a small city. - -Its main console was installed in a specially designed executive -office, mounted on an enormous executive desk of finest -ultramahagony topped with rich ultrared leather. The dark -carpeting was discreetly sumptuous, exotic pot plants and -tastefully engraved prints of the principal computer programmers -and their families were deployed liberally about the room, and -stately windows looked out upon a tree-lined public square. - -On the day of the Great On-Turning two soberly dressed -programmers with brief cases arrived and were shown discreetly -into the office. They were aware that this day they would -represent their entire race in its greatest moment, but they -conducted themselves calmly and quietly as they seated themselves -deferentially before the desk, opened their brief cases and took -out their leather-bound notebooks. - -Their names were Lunkwill and Fook. - -For a few moments they sat in respectful silence, then, after -exchanging a quiet glance with Fook, Lunkwill leaned forward and -touched a small black panel. - -The subtlest of hums indicated that the massive computer was now -in total active mode. After a pause it spoke to them in a voice -rich resonant and deep. - -It said: "What is this great task for which I, Deep Thought, the -second greatest computer in the Universe of Time and Space have -been called into existence?" - -Lunkwill and Fook glanced at each other in surprise. - - "Your task, O Computer ..." began Fook. - -"No, wait a minute, this isn't right," said Lunkwill, worried. -"We distinctly designed this computer to be the greatest one ever -and we're not making do with second best. Deep Thought," he -addressed the computer, "are you not as we designed you to be, -the greatest most powerful computer in all time?" - -"I described myself as the second greatest," intoned Deep -Thought, "and such I am." - -Another worried look passed between the two programmers. Lunkwill -cleared his throat. - -"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greatest -computer than the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the -atoms in a star in a millisecond?" - -"The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed -contempt. "A mere abacus - mention it not." - -"And are you not," said Fook leaning anxiously forward, "a -greater analyst than the Googleplex Star Thinker in the Seventh -Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity which can calculate the trajectory -of every single dust particle throughout a five-week Dangrabad -Beta sand blizzard?" - -"A five-week sand blizzard?" said Deep Thought haughtily. "You -ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the -atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket -calculator stuff." - -The two programmers sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment. -Then Lunkwill leaned forward again. - -"But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the -Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus 12, -the Magic and Indefatigable?" - -"The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep -Thought thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off -an Arcturan MegaDonkey - but only I could persuade it to go for a -walk afterwards." - -"Then what," asked Fook, "is the problem?" - -"There is no problem," said Deep Thought with magnificent ringing -tones. "I am simply the second greatest computer in the Universe -of Space and Time." - -"But the second?" insisted Lunkwill. "Why do you keep saying the -second? You're surely not thinking of the Multicorticoid -Perspicutron Titan Muller are you? Or the Pondermatic? Or the -..." - -Contemptuous lights flashed across the computer's console. - -"I spare not a single unit of thought on these cybernetic -simpletons!" he boomed. "I speak of none but the computer that is -to come after me!" - -Fook was losing patience. He pushed his notebook aside and -muttered, "I think this is getting needlessly messianic." - -"You know nothing of future time," pronounced Deep Thought, "and -yet in my teeming circuitry I can navigate the infinite delta -streams of future probability and see that there must one day -come a computer whose merest operational parameters I am not -worthy to calculate, but which it will be my fate eventually to -design." - -Fook sighed heavily and glanced across to Lunkwill. - -"Can we get on and ask the question?" he said. - -Lunkwill motioned him to wait. - -"What computer is this of which you speak?" he asked. - -"I will speak of it no further in this present time," said Deep -Thought. "Now. Ask what else of me you will that I may function. -Speak." - -They shrugged at each other. Fook composed himself. - -"O Deep Thought Computer," he said, "the task we have designed -you to perform is this. We want you to tell us ..." he paused, -"... the Answer!" - -"The answer?" said Deep Thought. "The answer to what?" - -"Life!" urged Fook. - -"The Universe!" said Lunkwill. - -"Everything!" they said in chorus. - -Deep Thought paused for a moment's reflection. - -"Tricky," he said finally. - -"But can you do it?" - -Again, a significant pause. - -"Yes," said Deep Thought, "I can do it." - -"There is an answer?" said Fook with breathless excitement." - -"A simple answer?" added Lunkwill. - -"Yes," said Deep Thought. "Life, the Universe, and Everything. -There is an answer. But," he added, "I'll have to think about -it." - -A sudden commotion destroyed the moment: the door flew open and -two angry men wearing the coarse faded-blue robes and belts of -the Cruxwan University burst into the room, thrusting aside the -ineffectual flunkies who tried to bar their way. - -"We demand admission!" shouted the younger of the two men -elbowing a pretty young secretary in the throat. - -"Come on," shouted the older one, "you can't keep us out!" He -pushed a junior programmer back through the door. - -"We demand that you can't keep us out!" bawled the younger one, -though he was now firmly inside the room and no further attempts -were being made to stop him. - -"Who are you?" said Lunkwill, rising angrily from his seat. "What -do you want?" - -"I am Majikthise!" announced the older one. - -"And I demand that I am Vroomfondel!" shouted the younger one. - -Majikthise turned on Vroomfondel. "It's alright," he explained -angrily, "you don't need to demand that." - -"Alright!" bawled Vroomfondel banging on an nearby desk. "I am -Vroomfondel, and that is not a demand, that is a solid fact! What -we demand is solid facts!" - -"No we don't!" exclaimed Majikthise in irritation. "That is -precisely what we don't demand!" - -Scarcely pausing for breath, Vroomfondel shouted, "We don't -demand solid facts! What we demand is a total absence of solid -facts. I demand that I may or may not be Vroomfondel!" - -"But who the devil are you?" exclaimed an outraged Fook. - -"We," said Majikthise, "are Philosophers." - -"Though we may not be," said Vroomfondel waving a warning finger -at the programmers. - -"Yes we are," insisted Majikthise. "We are quite definitely here -as representatives of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, -Sages, Luminaries and Other Thinking Persons, and we want this -machine off, and we want it off now!" - -"What's the problem?" said Lunkwill. - -"I'll tell you what the problem is mate," said Majikthise, -"demarcation, that's the problem!" - -"We demand," yelled Vroomfondel, "that demarcation may or may not -be the problem!" - -"You just let the machines get on with the adding up," warned -Majikthise, "and we'll take care of the eternal verities thank -you very much. You want to check your legal position you do mate. -Under law the Quest for Ultimate Truth is quite clearly the -inalienable prerogative of your working thinkers. Any bloody -machine goes and actually finds it and we're straight out of a -job aren't we? I mean what's the use of our sitting up half the -night arguing that there may or may not be a God if this machine -only goes and gives us his bleeding phone number the next -morning?" - -"That's right!" shouted Vroomfondel, "we demand rigidly defined -areas of doubt and uncertainty!" - -Suddenly a stentorian voice boomed across the room. - -"Might I make an observation at this point?" inquired Deep -Thought. - -"We'll go on strike!" yelled Vroomfondel. - -"That's right!" agreed Majikthise. "You'll have a national -Philosopher's strike on your hands!" - -The hum level in the room suddenly increased as several ancillary -bass driver units, mounted in sedately carved and varnished -cabinet speakers around the room, cut in to give Deep Thought's -voice a little more power. - -"All I wanted to say," bellowed the computer, "is that my -circuits are now irrevocably committed to calculating the answer -to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything -" -he paused and satisfied himself that he now had everyone's -attention, before continuing more quietly, "but the programme -will take me a little while to run." - -Fook glanced impatiently at his watch. - -"How long?" he said. - -"Seven and a half million years," said Deep Thought. - -Lunkwill and Fook blinked at each other. - -"Seven and a half million years ...!" they cried in chorus. - -"Yes," declaimed Deep Thought, "I said I'd have to think about -it, didn't I? And it occurs to me that running a programme like -this is bound to create an enormous amount of popular publicity -for the whole area of philosophy in general. Everyone's going to -have their own theories about what answer I'm eventually to come -up with, and who better to capitalize on that media market than -you yourself? So long as you can keep disagreeing with each other -violently enough and slagging each other off in the popular -press, you can keep yourself on the gravy train for life. How -does that sound?" - -The two philosophers gaped at him. - -"Bloody hell," said Majikthise, "now that is what I call -thinking. Here Vroomfondel, why do we never think of things like -that?" - -"Dunno," said Vroomfondel in an awed whisper, "think our brains -must be too highly trained Majikthise." - -So saying, they turned on their heels and walked out of the door -and into a lifestyle beyond their wildest dreams. - -================================================================= -Chapter 26 - -"Yes, very salutary," said Arthur, after Slartibartfast had -related the salient points of the story to him, "but I don't -understand what all this has got to do with the Earth and mice -and things." - -"That is but the first half of the story Earthman," said the old -man. "If you would care to discover what happened seven and a -half millions later, on the great day of the Answer, allow me to -invite you to my study where you can experience the events -yourself on our Sens-O-Tape records. That is unless you would -care to take a quick stroll on the surface of New Earth. It's -only half completed I'm afraid - we haven't even finished burying -the artificial dinosaur skeletons in the crust yet, then we have -the Tertiary and Quarternary Periods of the Cenozoic Era to lay -down, and ..." - -"No thank you," said Arthur, "it wouldn't be quite the same." - -"No," said Slartibartfast, "it won't be," and he turned the -aircar round and headed back towards the mind-numbing wall. - -================================================================= -Chapter 27 - -Slartibartfast's study was a total mess, like the results of an -explosion in a public library. The old man frowned as they -stepped in. - -"Terribly unfortunate," he said, "a diode blew in one of the -life-support computers. When we tried to revive our cleaning -staff we discovered they'd been dead for nearly thirty thousand -years. Who's going to clear away the bodies, that's what I want -to know. Look why don't you sit yourself down over there and let -me plug you in?" - -He gestured Arthur towards a chair which looked as if it had been -made out of the rib cage of a stegosaurus. - -"It was made out of the rib cage of a stegosaurus," explained the -old man as he pottered about fishing bits of wire out from under -tottering piles of paper and drawing instruments. "Here," he -said, "hold these," and passed a couple of stripped wire end to -Arthur. - -The instant he took hold of them a bird flew straight through -him. - -He was suspended in mid-air and totally invisible to himself. -Beneath him was a pretty treelined city square, and all around it -as far as the eye could see were white concrete buildings of airy -spacious design but somewhat the worse for wear - many were -cracked and stained with rain. Today however the sun was shining, -a fresh breeze danced lightly through the trees, and the odd -sensation that all the buildings were quietly humming was -probably caused by the fact that the square and all the streets -around it were thronged with cheerful excited people. Somewhere a -band was playing, brightly coloured flags were fluttering in the -breeze and the spirit of carnival was in the air. - -Arthur felt extraordinarily lonely stuck up in the air above it -all without so much as a body to his name, but before he had time -to reflect on this a voice rang out across the square and called -for everyone's attention. - -A man standing on a brightly dressed dais before the building -which clearly dominated the square was addressing the crowd over -a Tannoy. - -"O people waiting in the Shadow of Deep Thought!" he cried out. -"Honoured Descendants of Vroomfondel and Majikthise, the Greatest -and Most Truly Interesting Pundits the Universe has ever known -... The Time of Waiting is over!" - -Wild cheers broke out amongst the crowd. Flags, streamers and -wolf whistles sailed through the air. The narrower streets looked -rather like centipedes rolled over on their backs and frantically -waving their legs in the air. - -"Seven and a half million years our race has waited for this -Great and Hopefully Enlightening Day!" cried the cheer leader. -"The Day of the Answer!" - -Hurrahs burst from the ecstatic crowd. - -"Never again," cried the man, "never again will we wake up in the -morning and think Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Does it -really, cosmically speaking, matter if I don't get up and go to -work? For today we will finally learn once and for all the plain -and simple answer to all these nagging little problems of Life, -the Universe and Everything!" - -As the crowd erupted once again, Arthur found himself gliding -through the air and down towards one of the large stately windows -on the first floor of the building behind the dais from which the -speaker was addressing the crowd. - -He experienced a moment's panic as he sailed straight through -towards the window, which passed when a second or so later he -found he had gone right through the solid glass without -apparently touching it. - -No one in the room remarked on his peculiar arrival, which is -hardly surprising as he wasn't there. He began to realize that -the whole experience was merely a recorded projection which -knocked six-track seventy-millimetre into a cocked hat. - -The room was much as Slartibartfast had described it. In seven -and a half million years it had been well looked after and -cleaned regularly every century or so. The ultramahagony desk was -worn at the edges, the carpet a little faded now, but the large -computer terminal sat in sparkling glory on the desk's leather -top, as bright as if it had been constructed yesterday. - -Two severely dressed men sat respectfully before the terminal and -waited. - -"The time is nearly upon us," said one, and Arthur was surprised -to see a word suddenly materialize in thin air just by the man's -neck. The word was Loonquawl, and it flashed a couple of times -and the disappeared again. Before Arthur was able to assimilate -this the other man spoke and the word Phouchg appeared by his -neck. - -"Seventy-five thousand generations ago, our ancestors set this -program in motion," the second man said, "and in all that time we -will be the first to hear the computer speak." - -"An awesome prospect, Phouchg," agreed the first man, and Arthur -suddenly realized that he was watching a recording with -subtitles. - -"We are the ones who will hear," said Phouchg, "the answer to the -great question of Life ...!" - -"The Universe ...!" said Loonquawl. - -"And Everything ...!" - -"Shhh," said Loonquawl with a slight gesture, "I think Deep -Thought is preparing to speak!" - -There was a moment's expectant pause whilst panels slowly came to -life on the front of the console. Lights flashed on and off -experimentally and settled down into a businesslike pattern. A -soft low hum came from the communication channel. - -"Good morning," said Deep Thought at last. - -"Er ... Good morning, O Deep Thought," said Loonquawl nervously, -"do you have ... er, that is ..." - -"An answer for you?" interrupted Deep Thought majestically. "Yes. -I have." - -The two men shivered with expectancy. Their waiting had not been -in vain. - -"There really is one?" breathed Phouchg. - -"There really is one," confirmed Deep Thought. - -"To Everything? To the great Question of Life, the Universe and -Everything?" - -"Yes." - -Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had -been a preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as -those who would witness the answer, but even so they found -themselves gasping and squirming like excited children. - -"And you're ready to give it to us?" urged Loonquawl. - -"I am." - -"Now?" - -"Now," said Deep Thought. - -They both licked their dry lips. - -"Though I don't think," added Deep Thought, "that you're going to -like it." - -"Doesn't matter!" said Phouchg. "We must know it! Now!" - -"Now?" inquired Deep Thought. - -"Yes! Now ..." - -"Alright," said the computer and settled into silence again. The -two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable. - -"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought. - -"Tell us!" - -"Alright," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question -..." - -"Yes ...!" - -"Of Life, the Universe and Everything ..." said Deep Thought. - -"Yes ...!" - -"Is ..." said Deep Thought, and paused. - -"Yes ...!" - -"Is ..." - -"Yes ...!!!...?" - -"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm. - -================================================================= -Chapter 28 - -It was a long time before anyone spoke. - -Out of the corner of his eye Phouchg could see the sea of tense -expectant faces down in the square outside. - -"We're going to get lynched aren't we?" he whispered. - -"It was a tough assignment," said Deep Thought mildly. - -"Forty-two!" yelled Loonquawl. "Is that all you've got to show -for seven and a half million years' work?" - -"I checked it very thoroughly," said the computer, "and that -quite definitely is the answer. I think the problem, to be quite -honest with you, is that you've never actually known what the -question is." - -"But it was the Great Question! The Ultimate Question of Life, -the Universe and Everything!" howled Loonquawl. - -"Yes," said Deep Thought with the air of one who suffers fools -gladly, "but what actually is it?" - -A slow stupefied silence crept over the men as they stared at the -computer and then at each other. - -"Well, you know, it's just Everything ... Everything ..." offered -Phouchg weakly. - -"Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the -question actually is, you'll know what the answer means." - -"Oh terrific," muttered Phouchg flinging aside his notebook and -wiping away a tiny tear. - -"Look, alright, alright," said Loonquawl, "can you just please -tell us the Question?" - -"The Ultimate Question?" - -"Yes!" - -"Of Life, the Universe, and Everything?" - -"Yes!" - -Deep Thought pondered this for a moment. - -"Tricky," he said. - -"But can you do it?" cried Loonquawl. - -Deep Thought pondered this for another long moment. - -Finally: "No," he said firmly. - -Both men collapsed on to their chairs in despair. - -"But I'll tell you who can," said Deep Thought. - -They both looked up sharply. - -"Who?" "Tell us!" - -Suddenly Arthur began to feel his apparently non-existent scalp -begin to crawl as he found himself moving slowly but inexorably -forward towards the console, but it was only a dramatic zoom on -the part of whoever had made the recording he assumed. - -"I speak of none other than the computer that is to come after -me," intoned Deep Thought, his voice regaining its accustomed -declamatory tones. "A computer whose merest operational -parameters I am not worthy to calculate - and yet I will design -it for you. A computer which can calculate the Question to the -Ultimate Answer, a computer of such infinite and subtle -complexity that organic life itself shall form part of its -operational matrix. And you yourselves shall take on new forms -and go down into the computer to navigate its ten-million-year -program! Yes! I shall design this computer for you. And I shall -name it also unto you. And it shall be called ... The Earth." - -Phouchg gaped at Deep Thought. - -"What a dull name," he said and great incisions appeared down the -length of his body. Loonquawl too suddenly sustained horrific -gashed from nowhere. The Computer console blotched and cracked, -the walls flickered and crumbled and the room crashed upwards -into its own ceiling ... - -Slartibartfast was standing in front of Arthur holding the two -wires. - -"End of the tape," he explained. - -================================================================= -Chapter 29 - -"Zaphod! Wake up!" - -"Mmmmmwwwwwerrrrr?" - -"Hey come on, wake up." - -"Just let me stick to what I'm good at, yeah?" muttered Zaphod -and rolled away from the voice back to sleep. - -"Do you want me to kick you?" said Ford. - -"Would it give you a lot of pleasure?" said Zaphod, blearily. - -"No." - -"Nor me. So what's the point? Stop bugging me." Zaphod curled -himself up. - -"He got a double dose of the gas," said Trillian looking down at -him, "two windpipes." - -"And stop talking," said Zaphod, "it's hard enough trying to -sleep anyway. What's the matter with the ground? It's all cold -and hard." - -"It's gold," said Ford. - -With an amazingly balletic movement Zaphod was standing and -scanning the horizon, because that was how far the gold ground -stretched in every direction, perfectly smooth and solid. It -gleamed like ... it's impossible to say what it gleamed like -because nothing in the Universe gleams in quite the same way that -a planet of solid gold does. - -"Who put all that there?" yelped Zaphod, goggle-eyed. - -"Don't get excited," said Ford, "it's only a catalogue." - -"A who?" - -"A catalogue," said Trillian, "an illusion." - -"How can you say that?" cried Zaphod, falling to his hands and -knees and staring at the ground. He poked it and prodded it with -his fingernail. It was very heavy and very slightly soft - he -could mark it with his fingernail. It was very yellow and very -shiny, and when he breathed on it his breath evaporated off it in -that very peculiar and special way that breath evaporates off -solid gold. - -"Trillian and I came round a while ago," said Ford. "We shouted -and yelled till somebody came and then carried on shouting and -yelling till they got fed up and put us in their planet catalogue -to keep us busy till they were ready to deal with us. This is all -Sens-O-Tape." - -Zaphod stared at him bitterly. - -"Ah, shit," he said, "you wake me up from my own perfectly good -dream to show me somebody else's." He sat down in a huff. - -"What's that series of valleys over there?" he said. - -"Hallmark," said Ford. "We had a look." - -"We didn't wake you earlier," said Trillian. "The last planet was -knee deep in fish." - -"Fish?" - -"Some people like the oddest things." - -"And before that," said Ford, "we had platinum. Bit dull. We -thought you'd like to see this one though." - -Seas of light glared at them in one solid blaze wherever they -looked. - -"Very pretty," said Zaphod petulantly. - -In the sky a huge green catalogue number appeared. It flickered -and changed, and when they looked around again so had the land. - -As with one voice they all went, "Yuch." - -The sea was purple. The beach they were on was composed of tiny -yellow and green pebbles - presumably terribly precious stones. -The mountains in the distance seemed soft and undulating with red -peaks. Nearby stood a solid silver beach table with a frilly -mauve parasol and silver tassles. - -In the sky a huge sign appeared, replacing the catalogue number. -It said, Whatever your tastes, Magrathea can cater for you. We -are not proud. - -And five hundred entirely naked women dropped out of the sky on -parachutes. - -In a moment the scene vanished and left them in a springtime -meadow full of cows. - -"Ow!" said Zaphod. "My brains!" - -"You want to talk about it?" said Ford. - -"Yeah, OK," said Zaphod, and all three sat down and ignored the -scenes that came and went around them. - -"I figure this," said Zaphod. "Whatever happened to my mind, I -did it. And I did it in such a way that it wouldn't be detected -by the government screening tests. And I wasn't to know anything -about it myself. Pretty crazy, right?" - -The other two nodded in agreement. - -"So I reckon, what's so secret that I can't let anybody know I -know it, not the Galactic Government, not even myself? And the -answer is I don't know. Obviously. But I put a few things -together and I can begin to guess. When did I decide to run for -President? Shortly after the death of President Yooden Vranx. You -remember Yooden, Ford?" - -"Yeah," said Ford, "he was that guy we met when we were kids, the -Arcturan captain. He was a gas. He gave us conkers when you bust -your way into his megafreighter. Said you were the most amazing -kid he'd ever met." - -"What's all this?" said Trillian. - -"Ancient history," said Ford, "when we were kids together on -Betelgeuse. The Arcturan megafreighters used to carry most of the -bulky trade between the Galactic Centre and the outlying regions -The Betelgeuse trading scouts used to find the markets and the -Arcturans would supply them. There was a lot of trouble with -space pirates before they were wiped out in the Dordellis wars, -and the megafreighters had to be equipped with the most fantastic -defence shields known to Galactic science. They were real brutes -of ships, and huge. In orbit round a planet they would eclipse -the sun. - -"One day, young Zaphod here decides to raid one. On a tri-jet -scooter designed for stratosphere work, a mere kid. I mean forget -it, it was crazier than a mad monkey. I went along for the ride -because I'd got some very safe money on him not doing it, and -didn't want him coming back with fake evidence. So what happens? -We got in his tri-jet which he had souped up into something -totally other, crossed three parsecs in a matter of weeks, bust -our way into a megafreighter I still don't know how, marched on -to the bridge waving toy pistols and demanded conkers. A wilder -thing I have not known. Lost me a year's pocket money. For what? -Conkers." - -"The captain was this really amazing guy, Yooden Vranx," said -Zaphod. "He gave us food, booze - stuff from really weird parts -of the Galaxy - lots of conkers of course, and we had just the -most incredible time. Then he teleported us back. Into the -maximum security wing of Betelgeuse state prison. He was a cool -guy. Went on to become President of the Galaxy." - -Zaphod paused. - -The scene around them was currently plunged into gloom. Dark -mists swirled round them and elephantine shapes lurked -indistinctly in the shadows. The air was occasionally rent with -the sounds of illusory beings murdering other illusory beings. -Presumably enough people must have liked this sort of thing to -make it a paying proposition. - -"Ford," said Zaphod quietly. - -"Yeah?" - -"Just before Yooden died he came to see me." - -"What? You never told me." - -"No." - -"What did he say? What did he come to see you about?" - -"He told me about the Heart of Gold. It was his idea that I -should steal it." - -"His idea?" - -"Yeah," said Zaphod, "and the only possible way of stealing it -was to be at the launching ceremony." - -Ford gaped at him in astonishment for a moment, and then roared -with laughter. - -"Are you telling me," he said, "that you set yourself up to -become President of the Galaxy just to steal that ship?" - -"That's it," said Zaphod with the sort of grin that would get -most people locked away in a room with soft walls. - -"But why?" said Ford. "What's so important about having it?" - -"Dunno," said Zaphod, "I think if I'd consciously known what was -so important about it and what I would need it for it would have -showed up on the brain screening tests and I would never have -passed. I think Yooden told me a lot of things that are still -locked away." - -"So you think you went and mucked about inside your own brain as -a result of Yooden talking to you?" - -"He was a hell of a talker." - -"Yeah, but Zaphod old mate, you want to look after yourself you -know." - -Zaphod shrugged. - -"I mean, don't you have any inkling of the reasons for all this?" -asked Ford. - -Zaphod thought hard about this and doubts seemed to cross his -minds. - -"No," he said at last, "I don't seem to be letting myself into -any of my secrets. Still," he added on further reflection, "I can -understand that. I wouldn't trust myself further than I could -spit a rat." - -A moment later, the last planet in the catalogue vanished from -beneath them and the solid world resolved itself again. - -They were sitting in a plush waiting room full of glass-top -tables and design awards. - -A tall Magrathean man was standing in front of them. - -"The mice will see you now," he said. - -================================================================= -Chapter 30 - -"So there you have it," said Slartibartfast, making a feeble and -perfunctory attempt to clear away some of the appalling mess of -his study. He picked up a paper from the top of a pile, but then -couldn't think of anywhere else to put it, so he but it back on -top of the original pile which promptly fell over. "Deep Thought -designed the Earth, we built it and you lived on it." - -"And the Vogons came and destroyed it five minutes before the -program was completed," added Arthur, not unbitterly. - -"Yes," said the old man, pausing to gaze hopelessly round the -room. "Ten million years of planning and work gone just like -that. Ten million years, Earthman ... can you conceive of that -kind of time span? A galactic civilization could grow from a -single worm five times over in that time. Gone." He paused. - -"Well that's bureaucracy for you," he added. - -"You know," said Arthur thoughtfully, "all this explains a lot of -things. All through my life I've had this strange unaccountable -feeling that something was going on in the world, something big, -even sinister, and no one would tell me what it was." - -"No," said the old man, "that's just perfectly normal paranoia. -Everyone in the Universe has that." - -"Everyone?" said Arthur. "Well, if everyone has that perhaps it -means something! Perhaps somewhere outside the Universe we know -..." - -"Maybe. Who cares?" said Slartibartfast before Arthur got too -excited. "Perhaps I'm old and tired," he continued, "but I always -think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are -so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the -sense of it and just keep yourself occupied. Look at me: I design -coastlines. I got an award for Norway." - -He rummaged around in a pile of debris and pulled out a large -perspex block with his name on it and a model of Norway moulded -into it. - -"Where's the sense in that?" he said. "None that I've been able -to make out. I've been doing fjords in all my life. For a -fleeting moment they become fashionable and I get a major award." - -He turned it over in his hands with a shrug and tossed it aside -carelessly, but not so carelessly that it didn't land on -something soft. - -"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa -to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I -happen to like them, and I'm old fashioned enough to think that -they give a lovely baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me -it's not equatorial enough. Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. -"What does it matter? Science has achieved some wonderful things -of course, but I'd far rather be happy than right any day." - -"And are you?" - -"No. That's where it all falls down of course." - -"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good -lifestyle otherwise." - -Somewhere on the wall a small white light flashed. - -"Come," said Slartibartfast, "you are to meet the mice. Your -arrival on the planet has caused considerable excitement. It has -already been hailed, so I gather, as the third most improbable -event in the history of the Universe." - -"What were the first two?" - -"Oh, probably just coincidences," said Slartibartfast carelessly. -He opened the door and stood waiting for Arthur to follow. - -Arthur glanced around him once more, and then down at himself, at -the sweaty dishevelled clothes he had been lying in the mud in on -Thursday morning. - -"I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle," he -muttered to himself. - -"I beg your pardon?" said the old man mildly. - -"Oh nothing," said Arthur, "only joking." - -================================================================= -Chapter 31 - -It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but -the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. - -For instance, at the very moment that Arthur said "I seem to be -having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle," a freak wormhole -opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried -his words far far back in time across almost infinite reaches of -space to a distant Galaxy where strange and warlike beings were -poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle. - -The two opposing leaders were meeting for the last time. - -A dreadful silence fell across the conference table as the -commander of the Vl'hurgs, resplendent in his black jewelled -battle shorts, gazed levelly at the G'Gugvuntt leader squatting -opposite him in a cloud of green sweet-smelling steam, and, with -a million sleek and horribly beweaponed star cruisers poised to -unleash electric death at his single word of command, challenged -the vile creature to take back what it had said about his mother. - -The creature stirred in his sickly broiling vapour, and at that -very moment the words I seem to be having tremendous difficulty -with my lifestyle drifted across the conference table. - -Unfortunately, in the Vl'hurg tongue this was the most dreadful -insult imaginable, and there was nothing for it but to wage -terrible war for centuries. - -Eventually of course, after their Galaxy had been decimated over -a few thousand years, it was realized that the whole thing had -been a ghastly mistake, and so the two opposing battle fleets -settled their few remaining differences in order to launch a -joint attack on our own Galaxy - now positively identified as the -source of the offending remark. - -For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty -wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first -planet they came across - which happened to be the Earth - where -due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet -was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. - -Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the -history of the Universe say that this sort of thing is going on -all the time, but that we are powerless to prevent it. - -"It's just life," they say. - -A short aircar trip brought Arthur and the old Magrathean to a -doorway. They left the car and went through the door into a -waiting room full of glass-topped tables and perspex awards. -Almost immediately, a light flashed above the door at the other -side of the room and they entered. - -"Arthur! You're safe!" a voice cried. - -"Am I?" said Arthur, rather startled. "Oh good." - -The lighting was rather subdued and it took him a moment or so to -see Ford, Trillian and Zaphod sitting round a large table -beautifully decked out with exotic dishes, strange sweetmeats and -bizarre fruits. They were stuffing their faces. - -"What happened to you?" demanded Arthur. - -"Well," said Zaphod, attacking a boneful of grilled muscle, "our -guests here have been gassing us and zapping our minds and being -generally weird and have now given us a rather nice meal to make -it up to us. Here," he said hoiking out a lump of evil smelling -meat from a bowl, "have some Vegan Rhino's cutlet. It's delicious -if you happen to like that sort of thing." - -"Hosts?" said Arthur. "What hosts? I don't see any ..." - -A small voice said, "Welcome to lunch, Earth creature." - -Arthur glanced around and suddenly yelped. - -"Ugh!" he said. "There are mice on the table!" - -There was an awkward silence as everyone looked pointedly at -Arthur. - -He was busy staring at two white mice sitting in what looked like -whisky glasses on the table. He heard the silence and glanced -around at everyone. - -"Oh!" he said, with sudden realization. "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't -quite prepared for ..." - -"Let me introduce you," said Trillian. "Arthur this is Benji -mouse." - -"Hi," said one of the mice. His whiskers stroked what must have -been a touch sensitive panel on the inside of the whisky-glass -like affair, and it moved forward slightly. - -"And this is Frankie mouse." - -The other mouse said, "Pleased to meet you," and did likewise. - -Arthur gaped. - -"But aren't they ..." - -"Yes," said Trillian, "they are the mice I brought with me from -the Earth." - -She looked him in the eye and Arthur thought he detected the -tiniest resigned shrug. - -"Could you pass me that bowl of grated Arcturan Megadonkey?" she -said. - -Slartibartfast coughed politely. - -"Er, excuse me," he said. - -"Yes, thank you Slartibartfast," said Benji mouse sharply, "you -may go." - -"What? Oh ... er, very well," said the old man, slightly taken -aback, "I'll just go and get on with some of my fjords then." - -"Ah, well in fact that won't be necessary," said Frankie mouse. -"It looks very much as if we won't be needing the new Earth any -longer." He swivelled his pink little eyes. "Not now that we have -found a native of the planet who was there seconds before it was -destroyed." - -"What?" cried Slartibartfast, aghast. "You can't mean that! I've -got a thousand glaciers poised and ready to roll over Africa!" - -"Well perhaps you can take a quick skiing holiday before you -dismantle them," said Frankie, acidly. - -"Skiing holiday!" cried the old man. "Those glaciers are works of -art! Elegantly sculptured contours, soaring pinnacles of ice, -deep majestic ravines! It would be sacrilege to go skiing on high -art!" - -"Thank you Slartibartfast," said Benji firmly. "That will be -all." - -"Yes sir," said the old man coldly, "thank you very much. Well, -goodbye Earthman," he said to Arthur, "hope the lifestyle comes -together." - -With a brief nod to the rest of the company he turned and walked -sadly out of the room. - -Arthur stared after him not knowing what to say. - -"Now," said Benji mouse, "to business." - -Ford and Zaphod clinked their glasses together. - -"To business!" they said. - -"I beg your pardon?" said Benji. - -Ford looked round. - -"Sorry, I thought you were proposing a toast," he said. - -The two mice scuttled impatiently around in their glass -transports. Finally they composed themselves, and Benji moved -forward to address Arthur. - -"Now, Earth creature," he said, "the situation we have in effect -is this. We have, as you know, been more or less running your -planet for the last ten million years in order to find this -wretched thing called the Ultimate Question." - -"Why?" said Arthur, sharply. - -"No - we already thought of that one," said Frankie interrupting, -"but it doesn't fit the answer. Why? - Forty-Two ... you see, it -doesn't work." - -"No," said Arthur, "I mean why have you been doing it?" - -"Oh, I see," said Frankie. "Well, eventually just habit I think, -to be brutally honest. And this is more or less the point - we're -sick to the teeth with the whole thing, and the prospect of doing -it all over again on account of those whinnet-ridden Vogons quite -frankly gives me the screaming heeby jeebies, you know what I -mean? It was by the merest lucky chance that Benji and I finished -our particular job and left the planet early for a quick holiday, -and have since manipulated our way back to Magrathea by the good -offices of your friends." - -"Magrathea is a gateway back to our own dimension," put in Benji. - -"Since when," continued his murine colleague, "we have had an -offer of a quite enormously fat contract to do the 5D chat show -and lecture circuit back in our own dimensional neck of the -woods, and we're very much inclined to take it." - -"I would, wouldn't you Ford?" said Zaphod promptingly. - -"Oh yes," said Ford, "jump at it, like a shot." - -Arthur glanced at them, wondering what all this was leading up -to. - -"But we've got to have a product you see," said Frankie, "I mean -ideally we still need the Ultimate Question in some form or -other." - -Zaphod leaned forward to Arthur. - -"You see," he said, "if they're just sitting there in the studio -looking very relaxed and, you know, just mentioning that they -happen to know the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, -and then eventually have to admit that in fact it's Forty-two, -then the show's probably quite short. No follow-up, you see." - -"We have to have something that sounds good," said Benji. - -"Something that sounds good?" exclaimed Arthur. "An Ultimate -Question that sounds good? From a couple of mice?" - -The mice bristled. - -"Well, I mean, yes idealism, yes the dignity of pure research, -yes the pursuit of truth in all its forms, but there comes a -point I'm afraid where you begin to suspect that if there's any -real truth, it's that the entire multi-dimensional infinity of -the Universe is almost certainly being run by a bunch of maniacs. -And if it comes to a choice between spending yet another ten -million years finding that out, and on the other hand just taking -the money and running, then I for one could do with the -exercise," said Frankie. - -"But ..." started Arthur, hopelessly. - -"Hey, will you get this, Earthman," interrupted Zaphod. "You are -a last generation product of that computer matrix, right, and you -were there right up to the moment your planet got the finger, -yeah?" - -"Er ..." - -"So your brain was an organic part of the penultimate -configuration of the computer programme," said Ford, rather -lucidly he thought. - -"Right?" said Zaphod. - -"Well," said Arthur doubtfully. He wasn't aware of ever having -felt an organic part of anything. He had always seen this as one -of his problems. - -"In other words," said Benji, steering his curious little vehicle -right over to Arthur, "there's a good chance that the structure -of the question is encoded in the structure of your brain - so we -want to buy it off you." - -"What, the question?" said Arthur. - -"Yes," said Ford and Trillian. - -"For lots of money," said Zaphod. - -"No, no," said Frankie, "it's the brain we want to buy." - -"What!" - -"I thought you said you could just read his brain -electronically," protested Ford. - -"Oh yes," said Frankie, "but we'd have to get it out first. It's -got to be prepared." - -"Treated," said Benji. - -"Diced." - -"Thank you," shouted Arthur, tipping up his chair and backing -away from the table in horror. - -"It could always be replaced," said Benji reasonably, "if you -think it's important." - -"Yes, an electronic brain," said Frankie, "a simple one would -suffice." - -"A simple one!" wailed Arthur. - -"Yeah," said Zaphod with a sudden evil grin, "you'd just have to -program it to say What? and I don't understand and Where's the -tea? - who'd know the difference?" - -"What?" cried Arthur, backing away still further. - -"See what I mean?" said Zaphod and howled with pain because of -something that Trillian did at that moment. - -"I'd notice the difference," said Arthur. - -"No you wouldn't," said Frankie mouse, "you'd be programmed not -to." - -Ford made for the door. - -"Look, I'm sorry, mice old lads," he said. "I don't think we've -got a deal." - -"I rather think we have to have a deal," said the mice in chorus, -all the charm vanishing fro their piping little voices in an -instant. With a tiny whining shriek their two glass transports -lifted themselves off the table, and swung through the air -towards Arthur, who stumbled further backwards into a blind -corner, utterly unable to cope or think of anything. - -Trillian grabbed him desperately by the arm and tried to drag him -towards the door, which Ford and Zaphod were struggling to open, -but Arthur was dead weight - he seemed hypnotized by the airborne -rodents swooping towards him. - -She screamed at him, but he just gaped. - -With one more yank, Ford and Zaphod got the door open. On the -other side of it was a small pack of rather ugly men who they -could only assume were the heavy mob of Magrathea. Not only were -they ugly themselves, but the medical equipment they carried with -them was also far from pretty. They charged. - -So - Arthur was about to have his head cut open, Trillian was -unable to help him, and Ford and Zaphod were about to be set upon -by several thugs a great deal heavier and more sharply armed than -they were. - -All in all it was extremely fortunate that at that moment every -alarm on the planet burst into an earsplitting din. - -================================================================= -Chapter 32 - -"Emergency! Emergency!" blared the klaxons throughout Magrathea. -"Hostile ship has landed on planet. Armed intruders in section -8A. Defence stations, defence stations!" - -The two mice sniffed irritably round the fragments of their glass -transports where they lay shattered on the floor. - -"Damnation," muttered Frankie mouse, "all that fuss over two -pounds of Earthling brain." He scuttled round and about, his pink -eyes flashing, his fine white coat bristling with static. - -"The only thing we can do now," said Benji, crouching and -stroking his whiskers in thought, "is to try and fake a question, -invent one that will sound plausible." - -"Difficult," said Frankie. He thought. "How about What's yellow -and dangerous?" - -Benji considered this for a moment. - -"No, no good," he said. "Doesn't fit the answer." - -They sank into silence for a few seconds. - -"Alright," said Benji. "What do you get if you multiply six by -seven?" - -"No, no, too literal, too factual," said Frankie, "wouldn't -sustain the punters' interest." - -Again they thought. - -Then Frankie said: "Here's a thought. How many roads must a man -walk down?" - -"Ah," said Benji. "Aha, now that does sound promising!" He rolled -the phrase around a little. "Yes," he said, "that's excellent! -Sounds very significant without actually tying you down to -meaning anything at all. How many roads must a man walk down? -Forty-two. Excellent, excellent, that'll fox 'em. Frankie baby, -we are made!" - -They performed a scampering dance in their excitement. - -Near them on the floor lay several rather ugly men who had been -hit about the head with some heavy design awards. - -Half a mile away, four figures pounded up a corridor looking for -a way out. They emerged into a wide open-plan computer bay. They -glanced about wildly. - -"Which way do you reckon Zaphod?" said Ford. - -"At a wild guess, I'd say down here," said Zaphod, running off -down to the right between a computer bank and the wall. As the -others started after him he was brought up short by a Kill-O-Zap -energy bolt that cracked through the air inches in front of him -and fried a small section of adjacent wall. - -A voice on a loud hailer said, "OK Beeblebrox, hold it right -there. We've got you covered." - -"Cops!" hissed Zaphod, and span around in a crouch. "You want to -try a guess at all, Ford?" - -"OK, this way," said Ford, and the four of them ran down a -gangway between two computer banks. - -At the end of the gangway appeared a heavily armoured and space- -suited figure waving a vicious Kill-O-Zap gun. - -"We don't want to shoot you, Beeblebrox!" shouted the figure. - -"Suits me fine!" shouted Zaphod back and dived down a wide gap -between two data process units. - -The others swerved in behind him. - -"There are two of them," said Trillian. "We're cornered." - -They squeezed themselves down in an angle between a large -computer data bank and the wall. - -They held their breath and waited. - -Suddenly the air exploded with energy bolts as both the cops -opened fire on them simultaneously. - -"Hey, they're shooting at us," said Arthur, crouching in a tight -ball, "I thought they said they didn't want to do that." - -"Yeah, I thought they said that," agreed Ford. - -Zaphod stuck a head up for a dangerous moment. - -"Hey," he said, "I thought you said you didn't want to shoot us!" -and ducked again. - -They waited. - -After a moment a voice replied, "It isn't easy being a cop!" - -"What did he say?" whispered Ford in astonishment. - -"He said it isn't easy being a cop." - -"Well surely that's his problem isn't it?" - -"I'd have thought so." - -Ford shouted out, "Hey listen! I think we've got enough problems -on our own having you shooting at us, so if you could avoid -laying your problems on us as well, I think we'd all find it -easier to cope!" - -Another pause, and then the loud hailer again. - -"Now see here, guy," said the voice on the loud hailer, "you're -not dealing with any dumb two-bit trigger-pumping morons with low -hairlines, little piggy eyes and no conversation, we're a couple -of intelligent caring guys that you'd probably quite like if you -met us socially! I don't go around gratuitously shooting people -and then bragging about it afterwards in seedy space-rangers -bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people -gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterwards for hours to -my girlfriend!" - -"And I write novels!" chimed in the other cop. "Though I haven't -had any of them published yet, so I better warn you, I'm in a -meeeean mood!" - -Ford's eyes popped halfway out of their sockets. "Who are these -guys?" he said. - -"Dunno," said Zaphod, "I think I preferred it when they were -shooting." - -"So are you going to come quietly," shouted one of the cops -again, "or are you going to let us blast you out?" - -"Which would you prefer?" shouted Ford. - -A millisecond later the air about them started to fry again, as -bolt after bolt of Kill-O-Zap hurled itself into the computer -bank in front of them. - -The fusillade continued for several seconds at unbearable -intensity. - -When it stopped, there were a few seconds of near quietness ad -the echoes died away. - -"You still there?" called one of the cops. - -"Yes," they called back. - -"We didn't enjoy doing that at all," shouted the other cop. - -"We could tell," shouted Ford. - -"Now, listen to this, Beeblebrox, and you better listen good!" - -"Why?" shouted Back Zaphod. - -"Because," shouted the cop, "it's going to be very intelligent, -and quite interesting and humane! Now either you all give -yourselves up now and let us beat you up a bit, though not very -much of course because we are firmly opposed to needless -violence, or we blow up this entire planet and possibly one or -two others we noticed on our way out here!" - -"But that's crazy!" cried Trillian. "You wouldn't do that!" - -"Oh yes we would," shouted the cop, "wouldn't we?" he asked the -other one. - -"Oh yes, we'd have to, no question," the other one called back. - -"But why?" demanded Trillian. - -"Because there are some things you have to do even if you are an -enlightened liberal cop who knows all about sensitivity and -everything!" - -"I just don't believe these guys," muttered Ford, shaking his -head. - -One cop shouted to the other, "Shall we shoot them again for a -bit?" - -"Yeah, why not?" - -They let fly another electric barrage. - -The heat and noise was quite fantastic. Slowly, the computer bank -was beginning to disintegrate. The front had almost all melted -away, and thick rivulets of molten metal were winding their way -back towards where they were squatting. They huddled further back -and waited for the end. - -================================================================= -Chapter 33 - -But the end never came, at least not then. - -Quite suddenly the barrage stopped, and the sudden silence -afterwards was punctuated by a couple of strangled gurgles and -thuds. - -The four stared at each other. - -"What happened?" said Arthur. - -"They stopped," said Zaphod with a shrug. - -"Why?" - -"Dunno, do you want to go and ask them?" - -"No." - -They waited. - -"Hello?" called out Ford. - -No answer. - -"That's odd." - -"Perhaps it's a trap." - -"They haven't the wit." - -"What were those thuds?" - -"Dunno." - -They waited for a few more seconds. - -"Right," said Ford, "I'm going to have a look." - -He glanced round at the others. - -"Is no one going to say, No you can't possibly, let me go -instead?" - -They all shook their heads. - -"Oh well," he said, and stood up. - -For a moment, nothing happened. - -Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. Ford -peered through the thick smoke that was billowing out of the -burning computer. - -Cautiously he stepped out into the open. - -Still nothing happened. - -Twenty yards away he could dimly see through the smoke the -space-suited figure of one of the cops. He was lying in a -crumpled heap on the ground. Twenty yards in the other direction -lay the second man. No one else was anywhere to be seen. - -This struck Ford as being extremely odd. - -Slowly, nervously, he walked towards the first one. The body lay -reassuringly still as he approached it, and continued to lie -reassuringly still as he reached it and put his foot down on the -Kill-O-Zap gun that still dangled from its limp fingers. - -He reached down and picked it up, meeting no resistance. - -The cop was quite clearly dead. - -A quick examination revealed him to be from Blagulon Kappa - he -was a methane-breathing life form, dependent on his space suit -for survival in the thin oxygen atmosphere of Magrathea. - -The tiny life-support system computer on his backpack appeared -unexpectedly to have blown up. - -Ford poked around in it in considerable astonishment. These -miniature suit computers usually had the full back-up of the main -computer back on the ship, with which they were directly linked -through the sub-etha. Such a system was fail-safe in all -circumstances other than total feedback malfunction, which was -unheard of. - -He hurried over to the other prone figure, and discovered that -exactly the same impossible thing had happened to him, presumably -simultaneously. - -He called the others over to look. They came, shared his -astonishment, but not his curiosity. - -"Let's get shot out of this hole," said Zaphod. "If whatever I'm -supposed to be looking for is here, I don't want it." He grabbed -the second Kill-O-Zap gun, blasted a perfectly harmless -accounting computer and rushed out into the corridor, followed by -the others. He very nearly blasted hell out of an aircar that -stood waiting for them a few yards away. - -The aircar was empty, but Arthur recognized it as belonging to -Slartibartfast. - -It had a note from him pinned to part of its sparse instrument -panel. The note had an arrow drawn on it, pointing at one of the -controls. - -It said, This is probably the best button to press. - -================================================================= -Chapter 34 - -The aircar rocketed them at speeds in excess of R17 through the -steel tunnels that lead out onto the appalling surface of the -planet which was now in the grip of yet another drear morning -twilight. Ghastly grey lights congealed on the land. - -R is a velocity measure, defined as a reasonable speed of travel -that is consistent with health, mental wellbeing and not being -more than say five minutes late. It is therefore clearly an -almost infinitely variable figure according to circumstances, -since the first two factors vary not only with speed taken as an -absolute, but also with awareness of the third factor. Unless -handled with tranquility this equation can result in considerable -stress, ulcers and even death. - -R17 is not a fixed velocity, but it is clearly far too fast. - -The aircar flung itself through the air at R17 and above, -deposited them next to the Heart of Gold which stood starkly on -the frozen ground like a bleached bone, and then precipitately -hurled itself back in the direction whence they had come, -presumably on important business of its own. - -Shivering, the four of them stood and looked at the ship. - -Beside it stood another one. - -It was the Blagulon Kappa policecraft, a bulbous sharklike -affair, slate green in colour and smothered with black stencilled -letters of varying degrees of size and unfriendliness. The -letters informed anyone who cared to read them as to where the -ship was from, what section of the police it was assigned to, and -where the power feeds should be connected. - -It seemed somehow unnaturally dark and silent, even for a ship -whose two-man crew was at that moment lying asphyxicated in a -smoke-filled chamber several miles beneath the ground. It is one -of those curious things that is impossible to explain or define, -but one can sense when a ship is completely dead. - -Ford could sense it and found it most mysterious - a ship and two -policemen seemed to have gone spontaneously dead. In his -experience the Universe simply didn't work like that. - -The other three could sense it too, but they could sense the -bitter cold even more and hurried back into the Heart of Gold -suffering from an acute attack of no curiosity. - -Ford stayed, and went to examine the Blagulon ship. As he walked, -he nearly tripped over an inert steel figure lying face down in -the cold dust. - -"Marvin!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing?" - -"Don't feel you have to take any notice of me, please," came a -muffled drone. - -"But how are you, metalman?" said Ford. - -"Very depressed." - -"What's up?" - -"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there." - -"Why," said Ford squatting down beside him and shivering, "are -you lying face down in the dust?" - -"It's a very effective way of being wretched," said Marvin. -"Don't pretend you want to talk to me, I know you hate me." - -"No I don't." - -"Yes you do, everybody does. It's part of the shape of the -Universe. I only have to talk to somebody and they begin to hate -me. Even robots hate me. If you just ignore me I expect I shall -probably go away." - -He jacked himself up to his feet and stood resolutely facing the -opposite direction. - -"That ship hated me," he said dejectedly, indicating the -policecraft. - -"That ship?" said Ford in sudden excitement. "What happened to -it? Do you know?" - -"It hated me because I talked to it." - -"You talked to it?" exclaimed Ford. "What do you mean you talked -to it?" - -"Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged -myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer -at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it," -said Marvin. - -"And what happened?" pressed Ford. - -"It committed suicide," said Marvin and stalked off back to the -Heart of Gold. - -================================================================= -Chapter 35 - -That night, as the Heart of Gold was busy putting a few light -years between itself and the Horsehead Nebula, Zaphod lounged -under the small palm tree on the bridge trying to bang his brain -into shape with massive Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters; Ford and -Trillian sat in a corner discussing life and matters arising from -it; and Arthur took to his bed to flip through Ford's copy of The -Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Since he was going to live in -the place, he reasoned, he'd better start finding out something -about it. - -He came across this entry. - -It said: 'The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends -to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of -Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, -Why and Where phases. - -"For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question -How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the -third by the question Where shall we have lunch?" - -He got no further before the ship's intercom buzzed into life. - -"Hey Earthman? You hungry kid?" said Zaphod's voice. - -"Er, well yes, a little peckish I suppose," said Arthur. - -"OK baby, hold tight," said Zaphod. "We'll take in a quick bite -at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe." - - -================================================================= -* President: full title President of the Imperial Galactic -Government. - -The term Imperial is kept though it is now an anachronism. The -hereditary Emperor is nearly dead and has been so for many -centuries. In the last moments of his dying coma he was locked in -a statis field which keeps him in a state of perpetual -unchangingness. All his heirs are now long dead, and this means -that without any drastic political upheaval, power has simply and -effectively moved a rung or two down the ladder, and is now seen -to be vested in a body which used to act simply as advisers to -the Emperor - an elected Governmental assembly headed by a -President elected by that assembly. In fact it vests in no such -place. - -The President in particular is very much a figurehead - he wields -no real power whatsoever. He is apparently chosen by the -government, but the qualities he is required to display are not -those of leadership but those of finely judged outrage. For this -reason the President is always a controversial choice, always an -infuriating but fascinating character. His job is not to wield -power but to draw attention away from it. On those criteria -Zaphod Beeblebrox is one of the most successful Presidents the -Galaxy has ever had - he has already spent two of his ten -Presidential years in prison for fraud. Very very few people -realize that the President and the Government have virtually no -power at all, and of these very few people only six know whence -ultimate political power is wielded. Most of the others secretly -believe that the ultimate decision-making process is handled by a -computer. They couldn't be more wrong. - -* Ford Prefect's original name is only pronuncible in an obscure -Betelgeusian dialect, now virtually extinct since the Great -Collapsing Hrung Disaster of Gal./Sid./Year 03758 which wiped out -all the old Praxibetel communities on Betelgeuse Seven. Ford's -father was the only man on the entire planet to survive the Great -Collapsing Hrung disaster, by an extraordinary coincidence that -he was never able satisfactorily to explain. The whole episode is -shrouded in deep mystery: in fact no one ever knew what a Hrung -was nor why it had chosen to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven -particularly. Ford's father, magnanimously waving aside the -clouds of suspicion that had inevitably settled around him, came -to live on Betelgeuse Five where he both fathered and uncled -Ford; in memory of his now dead race he christened him in the -ancient Praxibetel tongue. - -Because Ford never learned to say his original name, his father -eventually died of shame, which is still a terminal disease in -some parts of the Galaxy. The other kids at school nicknamed him -Ix, which in the language of Betelgeuse Five translates as "boy -who is not able satisfactorily to explain what a Hrung is, nor -why it should choose to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven". -