questioner,question,phoebe,answer
ross,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,you let joey drive it?!,phoebe,"i’ve never driven it! okay? not once! okay once. okay, i drive it all the time."
rachel,wow! i can’t believe you lied to me.,phoebe,"okay, i can fix this! okay monica, rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding."
chandler,"well he doesn’t have to know! it’s not like we run in the same circles. i hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in vegas.",phoebe,"ooh, i think i wanna trade circles."
monica,so what! as long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil i don’t care.,phoebe,"okay, i think i need to do some shopping."
joey,hey!,phoebe,hey sweetie!
man,ready to go?,phoebe,"yeah! sure! ooh, i left my purse up at monica’s. i’ll be right back."
man,wait a minute!,phoebe,what?  oh.  ooh.  whoa! that one kept going.
joey,pheebs!,phoebe,hey!
joey,"listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward i check out your underwear?",phoebe,yeah!
joey,"well, when jake did it i saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear!",phoebe,i know. they were mine.
joey,"oh.  no! no wait, that’s weird!",phoebe,"no, it’s not! we were just goofing around and i dared him to try them on."
joey,that’s weird!,phoebe,i’m wearing his briefs right now.
joey,that’s…kinda hot.,phoebe,i think so too. and that little flap? great for holding my lipstick.
joey,"yeah, i wouldn’t know about that.",phoebe,and! y’know what jake says? that women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. and he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
joey,"yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!",phoebe,there is nothing wrong with jake! okay? he is all man! i’m thinking even more than you.
joey,"oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.",phoebe,i’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! i don’t think you could ever do that.
joey,hey! i am secure with my masculinity.,phoebe,okay whatever.
joey,hey pheebs!,phoebe,hey!
joey,check it out.  how much of a man am i?!,phoebe,wow! nice! manly and also kind of a slut.
joey,"y’know, i’m beginning to see what jake was talking about.",phoebe,uh-huh.
joey,the silk? feels really good!,phoebe,huh.
joey,yeah! and-and things aren’t as…smashed down as i thought they were gonna be.,phoebe,that’s great joe!
joey,yeah! and you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear!,phoebe,uh-huh.
joey,"bikini, french cut, thong! and-and the fabrics! you’ve got cotton, silk, lace! and y’know what i’ve always wondered about?",phoebe,hmm?
joey,pantyhose! y’know? they way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here…  i should go take these off shouldn’t i?,phoebe,i think it’s important that you do.
ross,i know. i know. ending credits,phoebe,feel better?
joey,"yeah! much! listen uh, not that i’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but i think i need to hook up with a woman like right now.",phoebe,"yeah, i understand."
ross,oh my god!,phoebe,what?!
joey,i cant believe you guys are moving.,phoebe,i call their apartment!!!
rachel,im on the phone!  dr. wiener?,phoebe,its so weird seeing ross and rachel with a baby. its just so grown up.
joey,"i know, yeah. i feel like were all growing up. person named wiener, god that kills me.",phoebe,look at you all grown up.
joey,"actually, you know what? i am. that whole thing with rachel made me realize that maybe im ready for a more serious relationship. you know? like id like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. and looks arent as important as...nah, shes gotta be hot.",phoebe,"you know, i might know somebody. hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date!"
joey,"i can do that, yeah. how is friday?",phoebe,"done. oh good, really?"
joey,yeah!,phoebe,"lets see!  oh, you know whos great? sandy poophack."
joey,poophack...,phoebe,"yeah... all right, well that rules out lana titweiller"
rachel,great! now hes gonna know it was me!,phoebe,hey!
joey,hey!,phoebe,so how is this for our big double date tonight?
joey,oh my god!,phoebe,"ooh, great! just the reaction i was hoping for."
joey,"yeah, so you found someone for me. you didnt forget?",phoebe,"of course not! and youre gonna love mary ellen. shes really smart and cute and funny, and i cant tell you how i know this, but she not opposed to threesomes. so tell me some about my guy."
joey,no.,phoebe,"come on, give me something. whats his name?"
joey,mike.,phoebe,mike? okay! whats his last name?
joey,damnit! is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?,phoebe,"all right, well se you and mike at the restaurant in a couple hours."
joey,"okay, look...",phoebe,"joey, this is mary ellen jenkins. so, mike, how do you and joey know each other anyway?"
mike,"yeah, we met in college.  i mean, high school.",phoebe,"wow, you guys go way back then. so what are you up to these days?"
mike,"i always wanted to play piano professionally, and i figured if i dont do this now, i never will.",phoebe,"wow, thats great! i liked that better than the law thing, so..."
ross,you even have to ask?!    he is alive!,phoebe,"you know, its so surprising that you and joey have known each other for so long and ive never heard about you."
mike,days of our lives! thats why you look so familiar!,phoebe,what?!
joey,what?!,phoebe,do you not know each other?
joey,"of course we do! mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. yeah, where we pretend we dont know each other. we played all kinds of games.  hey, remember the one where i punch you in the face for not being cool?!",phoebe,"mike, let me ask you something. how many sisters does joey have?"
joey,what are you doing? i said seven!  argh!!!,phoebe,"joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?"
mike,"im sorry too. and just to be clear, i didnt hit his mother with a car.",phoebe,"you are unbelievable! i spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. mary ellen is really smart and cute and loose."
mary ellen,hey!,phoebe,who are you kidding?  you just find some guy off the street for me? oh god! this is humiliating!
joey,"look phoebe im so sorry! hey, look, if you dont like this guy i can find you a better one.  mike!! mike!!",phoebe,im out of here
mike,"excuse me, hi. i was hoping i would run into you. can we talk?",phoebe,sure.
mike,"im sorry, really, im so embarrassed. really, im a pretty nice guy. just ask my parole officer...apparently im not a funny guy.",phoebe,why did you go along with that?
mike,"because i was told id get a free dinner, which i didnt. and that id meet a pretty girl. which i did.",phoebe,"thats true.  well, is anything you told me about yourself true?"
mike,"my name in mike, and i do play piano.",phoebe,prove it.
mike,there isnt a piano here.,phoebe,that wouldnt stand in the way of a true pianist.
mike,really?,phoebe,uhuh.
mike,thats great. what kind of music do you play?,phoebe,"well, like acoustic folksy stuff. you know? but right now im working on a couple iron maiden covers."
mike,"do you think that maybe, sometime, i could...",phoebe,"its okay. go ahead, ask me out."
mike,okay. do you think maybe sometime i could take you out?,phoebe,"oh, you just caught me off guard! yeah, that would be nice."
rachel,"okay, wow, wow, wow. watch the tongue people, weve got a baby over here.",phoebe,bye chandler.
chandler,"well, bye mon, bye ross, rachel, bye emma!",phoebe,"okay, bye-bye!  good trip!"
monica,"hey, guess what im doing this weekend! im going to this culinary fair in new jersey.",phoebe,"oh weird, chandler just told us hes got a conference there!"
ross,"i told emily to come. and i just need to yknow, talk to rachel about it.",phoebe,"wait a minute! so when emily comes youre just, youre not gonna see rachel anymore?"
joey,"so im thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.",phoebe,yeah thats better than my way.
rachel,oh yeah! i know.,phoebe,can you hear anything?
monica,"ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles…",phoebe,"ooh, madlibs, mine!"
rachel,its le poo.,phoebe,"i know its le poo right now, but itll get better."
chandler,hi!,phoebe,hey.
rachel,thats not ross!,phoebe,oh no! not that guy! he does look like him though.
rachel,"well, of course i am! its not gonna happen to ross! hes your brother.  hes your old college roommate. ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. i just always assumed phoebe would be the one to go.",phoebe,ehh!!
rachel,phoebe?  im sorry about the whole lifting out thing.  you gotta come with me!,phoebe,come where?
rachel,"wherever i go. come on you and me, well-well start a new group, were the best ones.",phoebe,"okay, but try and get joey too."
ross,"pheebs, you mind if i speak to rachel alone for a sec?",phoebe,"oh, sure!  bye ross!  forever."
chandler,okay.,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,"oh hey, monica, i heard you saw donald trump at your convention."
joey,"aww, i dont want to see that!",phoebe,were so stupid! do you know whats going on in there? theyre trying to take joey! ending credits
monica,"oh thats cute! we really all enjoyed it. but yknow, it doesnt count.",phoebe,count for what?
ross,"oh, i thought it was just a kid yelling, i’m gay! i’m gay! can i bring her in?",phoebe,"oh no, let her stay out there. it’s sweet."
chandler,to monica!,phoebe,"so have you decided on a band for the wedding? because, y’know, i’m kinda musical."
rachel,"yeah pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. i doubt she’s even had time to…",phoebe,"well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?"
joey,you guys don’t think i look 19?,phoebe,"oh, 19! we thought you said 90!"
joey,"hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?",phoebe,"oh honey no, you ate it all."
chandler,"i’m not worried, i’m uh, i’m fascinated. y’know it’s like uh, biology! which is funny because in high school i uh, i-i failed biology and tonight biology failed me.",phoebe,"check it out. okay, i can play this when the guests are coming in. okay."
monica,phoebe!,phoebe,"if you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay."
monica,phoebe! come on! let’s go!  come on!  why aren’t you dressed yet?!,phoebe,"i’m sorry, but i just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. check this out."
monica,"no, phoebe, i’ll tell you what, if you get ready now i’ll let you play it at the wedding.",phoebe,"really?! oh that’s so exciting! thank you! thanks mon! oh but mon, if you touch my guitar again i’ll have to pound on you for a little bit."
monica,"fair enough, now go get ready!",phoebe,okay.
ross,it was just a kiss.,phoebe,"you guys kissed!!!!! what does this mean?!! are you, are you getting back together?! can i sing at your wedding?"
chandler,i don’t think that’s what they were talking about joe!!,phoebe,"what a great night, chandler can’t do it, these guys kissed…"
monica,"well, we’re still talking about it, aren’t we?",phoebe,"well yeah, that and chandler’s problem."
joey,aww crap!,phoebe,"okay, so the plaza! okay, we’ll get us some mai thai’s,  maybe no more for you though."
monica,"y’know what? i-i think that umm, i don’t feel like going to the plaza.",phoebe,why?!
joey,"psss, that is whack!",phoebe,"yeah?  okay, i think i’ll play it at the wedding."
joey,"yeah! well, i think we’ll see if they actually let you play. huh? i mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, you look 19, and then they just take it away like-like, no you don’t.",phoebe,"well, i don’t think monica is gonna take this away."
joey,wouldn’t she?,phoebe,would she?
monica,"hi pheebs, what’s up?",phoebe,"okay, you said i could sing at your wedding so, i’m just gonna need a small deposit."
monica,what?!,phoebe,"y’know, just some good faith money to hold the date."
chandler,"pheebs, we’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding!",phoebe,"oh, i see."
joey,"they break your heart, don’t they?",phoebe,"y’know, i don’t really their permission."
joey,"yeah! if you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!",phoebe,"yeah! and if you wanna look 19, then you… you gotta do something about your eyes."
joey,what?! what’s wrong with my eyes.,phoebe,they give you away! there’s just-there’s just too much wisdom in there.  just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
joey,and that’ll get rid of my wisdom?,phoebe,maybe just 10 minutes for you.
chandler,"hey! here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. please sing at our wedding.",phoebe,oh thank you.
chandler,okay.,phoebe,"now…  who will perform the ceremony! who will perform the cer——oh—oh! all right, i’ll pound on him in the morning."
nurse,hi.,phoebe,"hi, yeah, hi! im umm, phoebe buffay, and i have babies coming out of me."
nurse,okay. have you started having contractions?,phoebe,"not yet. umm, i heard they really hurt, do they hurt?"
nurse,well…,phoebe,oh my god!
nurse,"now, which of you is the father?",phoebe,"oh no, none of them are the father. the father is my brother."
joey,"okay, uh pheebs, quick. look! this  is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? yknow before it all starts?",phoebe,"oh, okay, umm, hi kids! um, its me, aunt phoebe. i cant wait to see you. please dont hurt me!"
monica,oh man! i did it again!,phoebe,"okay, so umm, somebody has to call frank and alice.  and then my mom wants to know--joey, what are you doing?!"
rachel,"hi, pheebs? okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, shes not coming.",phoebe,what?!
ross,apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.,phoebe,"oh my god, shes so stupid!"
ross,"look, pheebs-pheebs, its gonna be okay.",phoebe,"thats easy for you to say, i dont see three kids coming out your vagina!"
ross,"yeah, hes head of the department.",phoebe,"all right—ooh! oh dead god, save me!"
monica,what?,phoebe,im having my first contraction!
chandler,oh no.,phoebe,"ooh, its not bad."
joey,"ooh, something hurts!",phoebe,"ooh, its sympathy pains. ohh, thats so sweet!"
frank,"hey! am i late? am i late? nobody came out yet, right?",phoebe,no-no-no! we havent started yet. wheres alice?
joey,"ross! get a shot of this.  hey babies! these are the headlines on the day you were born! okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies…  check it out, huh?! this is what naked women looked like the month you were born. all right, now lets dive right into the good stuff.",phoebe,"oh, okay, im having another one! this one doesnt hurt either—ooh, yes it does! ow! ow! ow! ow! ooh!  oh, i was kinda hoping that was it."
frank,whats with him?,phoebe,"umm, sympathy pains. i thought it was really sweet at first, but now i think hes just trying to steal my thunder."
dr. harad,okay!,phoebe,hey.
frank,"its not that weird, is it?",phoebe,"its very weird! i dont want some guy down there telling me, im yknow, dilatedamundo!"
ross,"to be fair, he doesn’t seem to be impersonating fonzie…",phoebe,what are you doing?!! why are you defending him?! just get me another doctor! one who is not crazy and who is not fonzie!
ross,"okay, phoebe, this dr. oberman. he has no strong feelings about fonzie or any of the happy days gang.",phoebe,hi! and youre going into what grade?
dr. oberman,"umm, im actually a first year resident, but i get that a lot, you see, i-i graduated early…",phoebe,"uh-huh, me too. ross, maybe i shouldve specified that id be needing a grown up doctor."
dr. oberman,"oh no, im fully qualified to…",phoebe,"shh! doogie, shh! doesnt anybody understand that im gonna be having babies soon? huh? go! go little boy, go!"
dr. harad,"all right, youre getting there. oh, and yknow, these babies are very, very lucky.",phoebe,they are. why?
dr. harad,they have the honor of being born on the fonzs half-birthday.,phoebe,happy birthday!
rachel,"honey, yknow i just gotta tell you, i think this is such a terrific thing youre having these babies for frank and alice.",phoebe,"i know, it is."
rachel,yeah!,phoebe,can i tell you a little secret?
rachel,yeah!,phoebe,i want to keep one.
rachel,"okay, phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. i mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies!",phoebe,"why not?! maybe i can, you dont know!"
rachel,"yes! yes! yes, i do! i do know! frank and alice are gonna want to keep all of their children!",phoebe,"maybe not! yknow? seriously, three babies are a handful maybe theyre yknow, looking for a chance to unload one of them. listen, i-i hate to miss an opportunity just because i didnt ask! yknow?"
rachel,"phoebe, no! this is, this is insane.",phoebe,"oh, just ask him!"
rachel,me?!,phoebe,"i cant ask him! do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! all im saying is just talk to frank. okay? just, yknow, feel him out!"
rachel,no! forget it! i am not gonna ask frank to give you one of his kids!!,phoebe,youre right.
joey,"whoa-whoa! no-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! okay? up, up is not an option—whats a urethra?  are you crazy?!",phoebe,so did you ask him?
rachel,"no, i havent had a chance to be alone with him yet.",phoebe,"well, im kinda on a clock here."
rachel,yknow who i always liked? mork.,phoebe,undo it. undo it. undo it.
monica,hey!,phoebe,hi!
monica,how are you doing?,phoebe,"okay, doctor says any minute now."
frank,"hey, yknow, alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldnt just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?",phoebe,"sorry frank, im kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do."
chandler,all right. very good.,phoebe,"oo, this is a big one. eww! arghhhh!!"
dr. harad,"all right, i need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.",phoebe,what is that?
dr. harad,okay. you ready to push again?,phoebe,i already had a baby. leave me alone.
monica,i think youre my favorite.,phoebe,which one do you have?
rachel,"hi.  hey, hi! so uh, frank and alice wanted me to tell you that theyre still outside making phone calls.",phoebe,"but umm, i mean, did you talk to them about, yknow…"
rachel,"yeah, umm, no honey.",phoebe,"oh. it was a long shot. hey, you guys can i just like have a second alone with the babies."
all,"yeah, sure yeah. yeah.",phoebe,"so, here you are. it seems like yesterday i was talking to you in that little petri dish. everyone said labor was the hardest thing id ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. oh, i had the most fun with you guys! i wish i could take you home and see you everyday. okay, ill settle for being your favorite aunt. i know alices sister has a pool, but you lived in me. okay, so were cool. yeah, were gonna be great. little high fives!  ahh! ahh! ahh!  well, if youre gonna cry.  ending credits"
monica,"phoebe, we are so proud of you! youre amazing!",phoebe,i know.
rachel,so does it really hurt as bad as they say?,phoebe,yeah. you wont be able to take it.
chandler,"so uh, now that little chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?",phoebe,theyre gonna call her chandler.
chandler,"thats kind of a masculine name, dont you think?",phoebe,works on you.
ross,"still i could tell. she was into me.  well, why don’t you set us up?",phoebe,"i’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. so, can i come to bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine."
monica,we should go.,phoebe,"now you will not believe this. but, i was in the copy room, making copies, and ralph lauren came in."
monica,"chandler, please, come on. look at him.",phoebe,"hey. here.  ohh, who’s the silver fox?"
rachel,"that-that is your make out buddy. don’t you recognize him?  oh wait. ohh, phoebe i love you. kiss me please.",phoebe,"yeah, no, ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. he’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack."
rachel,"oh..go..oh..and i told my boss that someone made out with ralph lauren. if she finds out that i lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. phoebe!!",phoebe,ohhh.
monica,"hey ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. your teeth wouldn’t look so bright.",phoebe,hello. oh good. ross could you put up some of these flyers for me?  oh!! demon!! demon!!
rachel,i did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse kenny the copy guy with ralph lauren.,phoebe,"well, hey, what if kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? you know. what if kenny hired that ralph lauren guy to be the pretty front man? huh, did she ever think of that?"
rachel,"i’m not going to sleep with ralph lauren. i mean, i could, but i wouldn’t.",phoebe,"ohh, yes it would."
monica,thats me.,phoebe,"oh! the yuk! ross, hes doing it again!"
rachel,hey.,phoebe,hey.
monica,"hi.  hi, uh, yes, this is monica geller. um, i believe im taking some classes with you and i was wondering what they were.",phoebe,what are you doing?
rachel,"go to the post office! im sure her pictures up! ...okay, monica, yknow what, honey, youre kinda losing it here! i mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.",phoebe,"this is madness. its madness, i tell you, for the love of god, monica, dont do it!! ...thank you."
monica,what dyou think?,phoebe,lotsa things.
rachel,what does she mean?,phoebe,"i think she means  you dance a dance class. oh, cmon, cmon."
monica,"okay, im not getting this!",phoebe,im totally getting it!
teacher,"alright people, now everyone grab a partner.",phoebe,"okay. and, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. im with rachel."
chandler,"yeah, but thats like two blocks away from the beach. i mean, its a total party zoo.",phoebe,"hey. we found her, we found the girl."
chandler,...take off their hats!,phoebe,popes in a volkswagen! ...i love that joke.
ross,"oh god.  we didnt get into scranton.  that was like our safety zoo. they take like dogs and cows. see? i dont know who this is harder on, me or him.",phoebe,id say that chairs taking the brunt.
joey,phoebe. whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?,phoebe,...flame boy.
pa,"this is the final boarding call for flight 67 to san diego, boarding at gate 42a.",phoebe,"okay. good-bye, little monkey guy. alright, i wrote you this poem. okay, but dont eat it till you get on the plane."
ross,"aww. thank you, aunt phoebe.",phoebe,oh!
joey,and i’ll have all the muffins.,phoebe,hey!
ross,shhh! we’re not talking.,phoebe,oh. finally! oh.
joey,"well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one.",phoebe,"i’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?"
chandler,and a bagel with only…,phoebe,i was just being polite!
joey,what are they doing out here? the coast’s all the way over there.,phoebe,hey! check it out! this is unbelievable! joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
rachel,"yeah, that’s gonna get you into soap opera digest. well i……i would just like to say that joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.",phoebe,"umm, i…i just think you don’t expect someone so hot to be so sweet."
the interviewer,oh! i like that. what’s your name?,phoebe,"umm, phoebe buffay."
the interviewer,how do you spell that? so we can get it right.,phoebe,"oh okay, it’s p as in phoebe, h as in hoebe, o as in oebe, e as in ebe, b as in bee-bee and e as in  ‘ello there mate!"
joey,all right. lets get the contestants out of their isolation booths.  and theyre off!,phoebe,"no!! hey-hey thats not a nutter-butter, thats just an old wonton!"
joey,check it out.  how much of a man am i?!,phoebe,wow! nice! manly and also kind of a slut.
joey,"oh-oh-oh-oh, how i do it is, i look a woman up and down and say, hey, how you doin’?",phoebe,"oh, please!"
monica,alright. phoebe?,phoebe,"okay, okay. if i were omnipotent for a day, i would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...and bigger boobs!"
monica,would you look at her? she is so peaceful.,phoebe,oh! what what what! ...hi.
monica,whats going on with you?,phoebe,i got no sleep last night!
ross,why?,phoebe,"my grandmother has this new boyfriend, and theyre both kind of insecure in bed. oh, and deaf. so theyre constantly, like, having to reassure each other that theyre having a good time. you have no idea how loud they are!"
monica,"well, if you want, you can stay with rachel and me tonight.",phoebe,thanks.
rachel,"look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! look at the window, theres my name! hi, me!",phoebe,"i remember the day i got my first pay check. there was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed."
monica,"wow, you worked in a mine?",phoebe,"i worked in a dairy queen, why?"
kiki,and while were on the subject of news..,phoebe,"look, look, i have elbows!"
monica,"we thought since phoebe was staying over tonight wed have kinda like a slumber party thing. we got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got twister...",phoebe,"ooh! ooh! and i brought operation! but, um, i lost the tweezers, so we cant operate. but we can prep the guy!"
rachel,"monica, what is so amazing? i gave up, like, everything. and for what?",phoebe,you are just like jack.
rachel,...jack from downstairs?,phoebe,"no, jack and the beanstalk."
monica,"ah, the other jack.",phoebe,"yeah, right! see, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. and then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. and he lived in a village, and you live in the village.."
rachel,"okay, but pheebs, pheebs, jack gave up a cow, i gave up an orthodontist. okay, i-i-i know, i know i didnt love him-",phoebe,"oh, see, jack did love the cow."
rachel,"but see, it was a plan. yknow, it was clear. it was figured out, and now everythings just kinda like...",phoebe,floopy?
monica,"so what, youre not the only one. i mean, half the time we dont know where were going. youve just gotta figure at some point its all gonna come together, and its just gonna be... un-floopy.",phoebe,"oh, like thats a word."
monica,...pheebs?,phoebe,"oh, well... cause.... you just... i dont like this question."
monica,phoebe?,phoebe,what?
monica,do you have a plan?,phoebe,i dont even have a pl.
monica,was he wearing a stunning blue suit?,phoebe,and-and a power tie?
rachel,"uh, pheebs? whos george snuffalopagus?",phoebe,big birds friend.
monica,i see pizza!,phoebe,"oh, i wanna see! lemme see! lemme see!"
rachel,"oh, him, the little guy? oh, i love him!",phoebe,"ooh, wait.. wait, i see a woman."
monica,please tell me its his mother.,phoebe,definitely not his mother.
monica,"oh, no...",phoebe,"oh, wait, shes walking across the floor.. shes walking.. shes walking.. shes going for the pizza-  hey, thats not for you, bitch!"
monica,i think hes shy.,phoebe,yeah?
monica,"okay. okay, i got one. do you remember that vegetarian pate that i made that you loved so much?",phoebe,uh-huh.
monica,"well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!",phoebe,"oh! oh! oh! okay, fine, fine. now i dont feel so bad about sleeping with jason hurley."
monica,what?! you slept with jason?,phoebe,youd already broken up.
rachel,how long?,phoebe,a couple hours.
rachel,i was laughing! you made me laugh!,phoebe,there he is! there he is!
monica,where?,phoebe,right- where weve been looking all night!
aired,12/12/2002,phoebe,"...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but i heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, merry christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
joey,"wow, that was great! you really wrote that?",phoebe,uh-huh.
chandler,"so, who does?",phoebe,"oh, i like my job."
chandler,"typical christmas-y stuff, you know? our holidays are pretty traditional...",phoebe,"so here is a, a very special holiday song that i wrote for some very important people to me. went to the store, sat on santas lap. asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. said all you need is to write them a song. now, you havent heard it yet, so dont try to sing along. no, dont sing along. monica, moncia, have a happy hanukkah. saw santa claus, he said hello to ross. and please tell joey, christmas will be snowy! and rachel and chandler, have err-umm-glander!! happy holidays, everybody!"
chandler,"i can save you time ladies, im right here.",phoebe,"yeah, chandler why dont you take a walk? this doesnt concern you."
chandler,what? thats terrible!,phoebe,"no-no, we do it every year!"
chandler,"oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.",phoebe,"no, yeah, we never find them! shes always best at us, that wily... minx."
chandler,"no not okay, you cant look for monicas presents!",phoebe,"oh no, we have to!"
chandler,"no, you dont have to, and you cant because i, i live here too.",phoebe,"well then, you should look with us."
chandler,"no, i have a great idea for a present for her.",phoebe,"oh, thats it?  a great idea! oh yeah."
rachel,thats right!,phoebe,"ooh ooh, we have a live one!"
rachel,oh.,phoebe,"ooh, whos it for?"
chandler,"ok, pheebs, your turn.",phoebe,"ahh, toilet seat covers! is that what you were doing while i was getting gas?"
joey,uh-huh.,phoebe,you guuuyys.
others,merry christmas!,phoebe,ble-blah-blar blargh!
others,"yeah, merry... christmas.",phoebe,"blah blargah, blar-blab."
rachel,"well, not this second!",phoebe,"hey look, you guys, its snowing!"
monica,wendy is a fat girl name.,phoebe,arent we done with that?
chandler,thanks!,phoebe,"chandler, your being here is the best christmas present i could have ever imagined."
chandler,ahh...,phoebe,now give me my real gift.
monica,of course!,phoebe,so what do you guys want for an engagement present?
monica,"oh, i already have one.",phoebe,not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
monica,"no, you don’t want this. i want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe.",phoebe,you mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
monica,"uh-huh, yeah.",phoebe,you mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that i would never let out of our family?
monica,i wanted it for years! i was gonna make cookies for my children.,phoebe,"break my heart—oh, all right."
joey,why would i do that? it took three guys to get the thing in there!,phoebe,"if you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?"
rachel,yeah! i’ve been sailing my whole life. when i was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.,phoebe,your own boat?
monica,what’s wrong phoebe?,phoebe,i just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!
monica,no!! why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!,phoebe,"because i’m normal! that was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and i know you wanted it as an engagement present."
ross,no one got me an engagement present.,phoebe,"okay, here i wish you health and happiness."
monica,this is what happens when you don’t register for gifts!,phoebe,"see no-no, i made a batch and i froze it, and this is the only one left."
chandler,we can’t accept this.,phoebe,why not?
monica,no! wait! i think i can figure out the recipe from this cookie! i do stuff like this at work all the time.,phoebe,really?!
monica,"all right, i definitely taste nutmeg.",phoebe,you do?
monica,"you don’t?  well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman.",phoebe,that and arrogance.
joey,women are mean!!!,phoebe,i can’t believe that! now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb.  i wish you a long and happy marriage.
chandler,why? okay? why? wh-wh-why did that have to happen?,phoebe,"come on, it’s not that big a deal!"
monica,"okay. man, i have not made this many cookies since i was in the ninth grade.",phoebe,"oh, what was that for? like a bake sale?"
ross,"ohh, these are pretty good.",phoebe,"yeah, but not as good as batch 17."
ross,oh yeah! batch 17 was good. i did not like batch 16.  i’m okay.,phoebe,are there anymore from the good batch? ‘cause we could just work off of those.
joey,damnit!,phoebe,"y’know, i bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. i bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now."
ross,looking up?,phoebe,"oh yeah—no, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure."
ross,"aww, pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? what about, what about your sister?",phoebe,"oh no-no, no, i made a promise to myself that the next time i would talk to ursula would be over my dead body. and that’s not happening ‘til october 15th, 2032."
ross,"that’s the day you’re gonna die? see—darnit, i’ve got shuffleboard that day.",phoebe,that’s what you think.
monica,"well, i mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? wouldn’t they have the recipe?",phoebe,"well, y’know i may have relatives in france who would know. my grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, nesele tolouse."
monica,what was her name?,phoebe,nesele toulouse.
monica,nestle tollhouse?!,phoebe,"oh, you americans always butcher the french language."
monica,"phoebe, is this the recipe?",phoebe,yes!!  ohh.
monica,i cannot believe that i just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!,phoebe,i know! you see it is stuff like this which is why you’re burning in hell!!
monica,"oh, larry.",phoebe,"umm, do health inspectors work on commission?"
larry,"no, bribes.",phoebe,its okay to laugh right?
larry,"yeah, i was just kidding.",phoebe,okay.
monica,"okay, knock yourself out, larry.",phoebe,yum-my!
monica,larry?,phoebe,oh yeah! id let him check out my kitchen floors.
larry,ahh thats the 2 points.,phoebe,"hey, you should really read that book you wrote.  wow! you saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that shed have to go in there hatless to get it. you can have your own health inspector detective show!"
larry,"oh, i dont know about that.",phoebe,"yeah, but then i can be you sidekick vunda."
larry,"maybe uh, vunda could give me her number and i can ask her to dinner sometime.",phoebe,"okay, she would love that! yknow, cause you know all the clean places to eat."
larry,i-ill call ya.,phoebe,okay.
larry,you look beautiful this evening.,phoebe,show me the badge again.
larry,"oh, will you mind if i wash up? because i came straight from work and who knows where these babies  have been.",phoebe,you are just nonstop!
larry,were outta here!,phoebe,why?!
larry,just walking past the kitchen i saw 10 violations! im shutting this place down!,phoebe,you have the power to do that?
larry,this does.,phoebe,shut it down.
joey,you guys got anything to eat? i just went down to johnos for some chicken and it was closed!,phoebe,"oh, i took larry there to eat but it was all violated. so we shut it down!"
monica,"okay, great!",phoebe,"hey, guys, you know what larry would say? he would say, see you ladle."
larry,"hey, ready for dinner?",phoebe,"ooh, absolutely!"
larry,great! how about you wanted to go the italian place down on bleaker street right?,phoebe,"ooh, i love that place!  so, no."
larry,how about mama lisetties?,phoebe,enh. sure!
larry,i wonder how long that milk  has been setting out.,phoebe,"oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! that—this milk is mine. i bought this today, cause i was thirsty for milk, yknow.  okay, lets go!"
larry,"oh, so youre saying youd choose convenience over health?!",phoebe,"okay, stop! larry, okay, cant you just be larry and not larry the health inspector guy? yknow i mean it was really exciting at first but now its like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?"
larry,"well, i suppose i could give him a warning.",phoebe,"thank you.  okay, go! go! go!   now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, i know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose."
monica,"hey, what’s up?",phoebe,"well, i left my guitar here again."
monica,"oh, okay. no problem.",phoebe,okay.
monica,okay.,phoebe,oh.
monica,here you go.,phoebe,okay.
monica,okay.,phoebe,great! umm…
monica,what?!,phoebe,so do you want to hang out or something?
monica,phoebe! you kinda caught me at a bad time.,phoebe,oh are you and chandler…
monica,yes! exactly.,phoebe,okay. do you guys want me to play for you?
chandler,"hey pheebs, what’s up?",phoebe,you ask an intriguing question chandler bing.
monica,"phoebe, i can explain!",phoebe,you told me you hate massages!
chandler,"buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning…don’t let phoebe in.",phoebe,i can’t believe this! how long as this been going on?
monica,"well umm, alexandra has been…",phoebe,"oh, it has a name?"
monica,"phoebe, don’t get upset!",phoebe,okay—oop! too late! i’m leaving! come on chandler let’s go!
chandler,love you.,phoebe,"hello chandler, lovely day huh?  you!"
chandler,"phoebe if it helps alexandra has only been massaging monica for like three years.  if! i said, if it helps!",phoebe,why won’t you let me massage you?
monica,well it’s…i mean i’d just—i’d be self-conscious. you’re my friend; i’d be naked.,phoebe,monica! we lived together for years! i’ve seen you naked!
monica,"that’s different, we were roommates! and when?!",phoebe,i’m curious about the human body.
monica,"hey, come on phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.",phoebe,"but i’m a professional! and i’m really good! look, if you’re uncomfortable we can stop. just give me a chance, okay. please?"
monica,"okay, if it means that much to you…",phoebe,it does! how would you feel if you couldn’t share your cooking? or-or imagine how ross would feel if he couldn’t teach us about dragons.
monica,dinosaurs.,phoebe,"potato, potaato."
joey,wow! can i get a copy of that?,phoebe,are you under the sheet?
monica,yes.,phoebe,"great, let’s begin. how’s the pressure?"
monica,nice! wow phoebe you are good!,phoebe,"stating the obvious, but thank you. and it’s not weird is it."
monica,no. ooohh…,phoebe,"that’s right, you just enjoy."
monica,oh. oh yeah! ohhhhh! ohh! oh yeah!,phoebe,okay.
monica,hey.,phoebe,hey.
monica,"i gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. that massage felt so good!",phoebe,"no-no, i got that."
monica,"so umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?",phoebe,"okay. okay but you should know though, i’ve raised my rates to $200 an hour."
monica,okay.,phoebe,i mean $500.
monica,what?,phoebe,600.
monica,what’s going on?,phoebe,"oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!"
monica,what?,phoebe,"yeah, and it really freaked me out! and after a while i even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on."
monica,what?! you’re crazy! there’s nothing sexual about the noises i make!,phoebe,really? there’s nothing sexual about this?  oooh. oo god! ohh. ohhhh. ohh.   what are you looking at?!  i mean hi.
monica,"oh my—this is so embarrassing. oh my god, i’m never gonna get massaged again!",phoebe,"no, you can’t let this stop you from getting massages! no look, i have, i have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!"
monica,really?!,phoebe,"well not clients, lovers. but let’s just y’know, try it again. come back and-and we’ll work through it."
monica,are you sure?,phoebe,yes.
monica,i guess.,phoebe,"great! okay, if you’ll just excuse me.  so, did you hear something you liked?"
monica,ohhh.,phoebe,that’s it. just relax.
monica,ohh. oh! ohh!,phoebe,come on more!
monica,oh god!,phoebe,"yeah, you like that don’t you?"
monica,oh yeah right there!,phoebe,you want it there? you take it there baby!
monica,uh phoebe?,phoebe,"yeah, say my name. say it!  and now i’m going to cover you back up, and umm we’re never doing this again."
chandler,someone on the subway licked my neck! licked my neck!!,phoebe,oh willie’s still alive!
chandler,"no, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this…",phoebe,oh my god! that’s the creep that you’re with at the statue of liberty.
monica,"i know, but look at me all tan.",phoebe,"hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer."
monica,that’s a good idea! i bet they have one of those wind machines! y’know…,phoebe,"yeah that’s great! next to that, chandler won’t look so stupid."
chandler,"yes, and we call ross lingers in the bathroom.",phoebe,"hey you guys, hums while he pees just asked me out!"
rachel,"hey, i thought that guy was married.",phoebe,he is! but he’s getting divorced—ross! maybe you know him.
rachel,"oh, i gotta get back to work.",phoebe,you don’t have to be back for a half-hour!
rachel,"i am not gonna get fired, because i’m not gonna act on it.",phoebe,so you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?
monica,do you really want to pull at that thread?,phoebe,i’m having a really good time!
hums while he pees,me too! i’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.,phoebe,"ohh. no that’s okay, he’s a friend."
hums while he pees,"hey uh, i don’t mean to be presumptuous but i have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?",phoebe,"yeah, i… well y’know i-i mean i missed the-the semi-finals, so i’d just be lost."
hums while he pees,"i know it’s really lame, but i got these tickets from my boss and—oh no! no! no! my god!",phoebe,"okay, don’t freak out. i’ll go."
hums while he pees,"no it’s… uh, my ex-wife whitney is out there. i cannot deal with her right now. that woman is crazy!",phoebe,"okay, i know. hold on.  hey ross?"
ross,yeah?,phoebe,"yeah, umm that’s whitney , kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?"
ross,what?! no!,phoebe,well okay but i have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals.
ross,"look, i don’t think so pheebs.  all right, i’ll do it. but just because you’re a friend.",phoebe,hi ginger.
ross,all right! i want my key back!,phoebe,i don’t have it!
ross,it’s right there!,phoebe,"ugh, okay sherlock!"
ross,"look, i’m sorry but you-you-you better go pheebs.",phoebe,"all right, well i just wanted to say thank you though for diverting kyle’s ex."
ross,oh yeah—no—you’re welcome. we’ll talk about it later.,phoebe,okay.
ross,yep.  okay.,phoebe,kyle’s ex-wife? you were supposed to divert her not date her!
ross,okay.   i did divert her and we ended up having a great time! okay?,phoebe,watching ballroom dancing?
ross,yes! that’s where we realized we were both super cool people!,phoebe,"well look-look, okay ross, kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her."
ross,like what?,phoebe,"like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—no! she will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!"
ross,okay.,phoebe,and! she uses sex as a weapon!
ross,fine! thank you for warning me. at breakfast i’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.,phoebe,you’re still gonna go out with her?!
ross,yeah!,phoebe,"well, didn’t you just hear what i said?!"
ross,"pheebs come on! i mean, consider the source! of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. now, if you’ll excuse me…",phoebe,no listen to me! she is crazy!
whitney,"uh, your door isn’t sound proof.",phoebe,you see? nothing is good enough for her!
chandler,yeah!,phoebe,hi.
ross,hi.,phoebe,"so, how are things going with crazy? has she cooked your rabbit yet?"
ross,"listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and f.y.i she must’ve shown kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! and his response to each one was, i don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.",phoebe,"yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom."
ross,"well, i don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because i am not emotionally unavailable!",phoebe,you think he’s emotionally unavailable?
ross,i think he can be.,phoebe,"well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!"
ross,"well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!",phoebe,"yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing new year’s eve 1997."
ross,i knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! that was three years ago! she apologized and she apologized! what more do you want?!!,phoebe,we want the last six years back!!
ross,my god!,phoebe,"oh, i’m sorry. is that annoying? and speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s whitney?"
ross,well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!,phoebe,oh he knows!  for the most part.
whitney,we kinda need to talk.,phoebe,both of you together?
kyle,we’re gonna give it another try.,phoebe,what about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
whitney,i’m gonna work on that.,phoebe,"oh right, because you’re so capable of change."
ross,"that’s all right, we-we don’t need you. in fact, hey i’m over it already.",phoebe,"yeah, and y’know what? i don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."
ross,"i’m sorry. ugh, pheebs, you were, you were right about her. y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! yeah, i hurt my back a little.",phoebe,"oh. y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to."
ross,"yeah, were better off without them.",phoebe,"and y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!"
ross,divorced men’s club.,phoebe,"potato, potaato.  ending credits"
monica,hey guys check it out! my mom sent me the paper!,phoebe,"ooh, let’s see it!"
chandler,"oh yeah, that looks good.",phoebe,you guys make a very attractive couple.
rachel,"wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?",phoebe,yeah joey that is so gross!
joey,how about a scone on the house baby?,phoebe,i’m pretty.
ross,hey does anyone have any gum?,phoebe,"oh i do!  oh, y’know what? no.  wait a second.  i know it’s in here somewhere."
rachel,"don’t!!   honey, what are you doing here?!",phoebe,which-which sister is this? is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter?
jill,daddy cut me off.,phoebe,"never mind, i got it."
rachel,"jill, honey, i think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. i mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! and you know when i did it, i-i-i at first i was scared, and look at me now! i’m the only daughter dad is proud of! okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. you’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then i’ll help you and you can stay with us. right pheebs, she can stay with us?",phoebe,"of course, yeah!"
jill,"oh, that’s so great! okay, i’m really gonna do this! i don’t know how to thank you guys.",phoebe,"ooh, i like cards."
jill,"oh, mr. scientist has to get all technical!",phoebe,"seriously, i don’t rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea."
jill,so who made her queen of the world?,phoebe,i would love that job!
rachel,"you went shopping?! what, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. wow, you guys are terrible!",phoebe,sorry jill.
rachel,what’d you get?,phoebe,"oh well, all right, i got   thank you, i got uh, this y’know i want a job sweater."
rachel,oh.,phoebe,"and, and then i got uh, these are apartment pants."
rachel,apartment pants?,phoebe,"yeah, you never heard of them?"
jill,shut up! i did not sound like that at all!,phoebe,"what about, what about when i said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was i?"
jill,you stop!,phoebe,"okay-okay, why don’t i sit here and you’ll both stop it!"
rachel,hey!,phoebe,hey.
rachel,what’s up?!,phoebe,"umm, i think there’s something you should maybe know."
rachel,"well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because i just pitched the idea to my boss at ralph lauren and she loved it.",phoebe,"no. no. it’s just i was umm, i was with ross and jill after you left and umm, i’m pretty sure i saw a little spark between them."
rachel,what?!,phoebe,"yeah i mean it’s probably nothing, but i just wanted to warn you that there might be something there."
rachel,with ross and jill?,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,with ross and my sister?,phoebe,yeah.
rachel,with my sister jill and my ex-boyfriend ross?,phoebe,yeah.
rachel,oh there is no way.,phoebe,okay then.
rachel,"oh my god! i can not believe that! i mean i don’t really like it when ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! oh my god, and they’re gonna have sex! oh! oh no what if he marries her too?! oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. and i can’t stop it! i can’t—i don’t own ross! y’know? and jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! and oh my god, i can’t believe ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. oh my god, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.",phoebe,"but great news about the apartment pants, huh?"
ross,"bumming hard, guys, bumming hard.",phoebe,hey!
monica,hey! wheres mike?,phoebe,"oh, he has a gig. i kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. my husband has a gig."
ross,"yeah? yeah, where is it?",phoebe,"oh, hes playing organ for a childrens roller-skating party."
rachel,"well, ive been better.",phoebe,uh-hmm.
rachel,"you guys are gonna come and visit me, right?",phoebe,"yes! you know, in six months the statute of limitations runs out and i can travel internationally again!"
rachel,im gonna miss you so much.,phoebe,i know.
rachel,"oh, pheebs, i dont even know where to start.",phoebe,"ok well, before you do, i know we werent supposed to get you going away presents,   but i do have something for you."
rachel,"oh, oh. . what is this?",phoebe,"its a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the dna to create your own pheebs!"
rachel,i love you phoebe.,phoebe,i love you too.  please dont... dont turn into... you know... french bitch!
rachel,"all right. well, if i gonna do this, id better keep going.",phoebe,ok.
monica,sure.,phoebe,are you wearing waterproof mascara?
monica,no.,phoebe,"oh, youre so screwed."
ross,hey. what was that all about?,phoebe,shes gonna say goodbye to each of us individually.
ross,are you kidding? oh my god...,phoebe,"yeah, i know, its gonna be even worse for you... god... ross, get ready to do some serious crying."
chandler,pheebs!,phoebe,yeah!
chandler,i think these are yours.,phoebe,"these are not mine... look how flimsy they are, come on! good god! you try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, theyll snap like a piece of licorice."
chandler,sure.  you dont really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?,phoebe,where do you think mike really is?
ross,god! i cant believe she saved me for last.  why are they taking so long?,phoebe,"i dont know. but, god, joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well."
ross,"no, i dont think so.",phoebe,"you know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. it was pretty intense."
ross,"o-kay... i mean, dont i deserve anything? i mean, a few tears, a cursory hug?  not from you!",phoebe,"ross, if youre this upset, you should go and talk to her."
joey,im sure hes not more bummed out than i am.,phoebe,tell me about it.
chandler,"well, you cant say we dont know how to throw a party.",phoebe,"all right, i think im gonna head out."
monica,"uh, where do you think youre going?",phoebe,"i thought i was going home to go to bed, but im sensing theres something less fun for me to do here."
joey,"come on here, have a seat.",phoebe,how was your night?
chandler,oh my god!,phoebe,"yeah, you got to get to the hospital."
joey,a little more.,phoebe,okay.
joey,"a little more, a little more.  a little more... all right. okay, all right, lets do this.",phoebe,"all right, ready?"
joey,"yeah. all right, now give me your best shot.",phoebe,"all right, here it goes..."
chandler,"okay, well tonight’s the big night.",phoebe,yeah!
chandler,i’m not gonna mess it up.,phoebe,"if she says no, can i have the ring?"
chandler,she’s not gonna say no.,phoebe,if!
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hi monica.
chandler,give me it!,phoebe,it’s gone.
chandler,hi monica.,phoebe,we’re practically kissing.
rachel,how about you guys?,phoebe,open bar?
rachel,i think so.,phoebe,i can do that for the kids.
ross,i don’t know.,phoebe,"y’know, you are 12 years older than her."
chandler,"yeah, right here in my pocket.  pheebs?",phoebe,oh! oop!
rachel,we’re just really…very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.,phoebe,here.
rachel,oh! thank you!,phoebe,so now what’s going on here?
rachel,"uh well, uh this is a silent auction. they lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.",phoebe,"no, i know what a silent is i meant, what’s going on with your hair?"
rachel,"uh, wh-why?",phoebe,no! it’s nice!
rachel,"someone? i brought people. mr. thompson, this is phoebe. phoebe, this is mr. thompson.  he’s the head of my department.",phoebe,"oh, hi."
rachel,ugh! so close!,phoebe,hey you guys! look!
joey,hey!,phoebe,i got me some drinks!
rachel,what are you doing?,phoebe,open bar!
rachel,well now it’s an empty bar.,phoebe,you just can’t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can’t you?
rachel,joey! sit down!,phoebe,forget her! you enjoy this!! (pulls him back up and starts applauding her makeup as chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his monica: what are you doing?
rachel,ugh!,phoebe,"well, just buy the damn boat!"
rachel,"phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?",phoebe,i’m just helping the kids!
rachel,how is you drinking helping the kids?,phoebe,"because the more i drink, the less there is for the kids to drink."
joey,oh and uh the guy who got the paris trip is at table four.,phoebe,"oh, okay."
rachel,why do you care about the guy who won the paris trip?,phoebe,"it’s a trip for two!  excuse me.  excuse me, is the person who won the paris trip at this table?"
emil alexander,that was me.,phoebe,"oh, en chante."
joey,"oh my god, you’re back!",phoebe,"ohh, let me see it! let me see your hand!"
monica,why do you want to see my hand?,phoebe,i wanna see what’s in your hand. i wanna see the trash.
joey,yeah.,phoebe,"eww! oh, it’s all dirty. you should throw this out."
chandler,what did you guys just do?!,phoebe,what happened?
chandler,who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?!,phoebe,"well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor…"
joey,glove salesman!,phoebe,good one! yeah.
chandler,this is terrible. what am i going to do?,phoebe,"look, she only suspects something okay? she doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track."
chandler,"that’s right, i can throw her off. i can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.",phoebe,yeah! yeah! convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! convince her that you’re a little coward!
rachel,"hey!  oh my god you’re here, let me see your hand!!",phoebe,"no, you’re too late!!! she already took out the trash!!!"
rachel,"isn’t it incredible?! monica and chandler, gettin’ married.",phoebe,"i know, they’re gonna be so happy together."
rachel,"ohh… i mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?",phoebe,not that often!
rachel,no! i’m so happy for them!,phoebe,me too! so happy for them!
rachel,i’m so happy and not at all jealous.,phoebe,"oh no! no god, definitely not jealous!"
rachel,"i mean i’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. and i mean what’s 2%? that’s nothing.",phoebe,totally. i’m like 90/10.
rachel,we’re gonna find love!,phoebe,definitely!
rachel,"yeah, i’m pretty confident about that. that’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for monica and chandler! it would be nice to have a little guarantee though.",phoebe,what do you mean?
rachel,"well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.",phoebe,you mean a backup?
rachel,exactly!,phoebe,"yeah, yeah i got that."
rachel,you do?,phoebe,hm-mmm.
rachel,who?,phoebe,joey.
rachel,joey?!,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,are you serious?!,phoebe,"yeah, i locked him years ago!"
rachel,"wh… so… if neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry joey.",phoebe,"yep, we shook on it. yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal."
rachel,"oh, seriously?",phoebe,"ohh, yeah. i think his exact words were…"
rachel,charming.,phoebe,"well hey, it’s just a backup."
rachel,phoebe! you picked joey and ross?! you can not have two backups!,phoebe,"of course i can! it’s just good sense to backup your backup! look, i’ve already lost chandler!"
ross,"phoebe, how could you do this to me?!",phoebe,i don’t—look i don’t know what you’re complaining about now? you were both aware of the situation!
ross,i was not!,phoebe,"okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married!"
ross,no! pick me! i don’t want to end up an old maid!,phoebe,"all right well let’s see, ross is a good father, but joey has a boat—this is hard!"
ross,"ooh, i wanna switch to rachel too!",phoebe,"no wait! just—okay—just wait! you guys! wait you guys! don’t make any rash decisions, okay? just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week."
rachel,"oh god, phoebe!",phoebe,i’m talking about massages.
ross,all right.,phoebe,good!
rachel,pick one.,phoebe,left!  thank you.
rachel,you’re welcome.,phoebe,ross!
rachel,joey!  we should just switch.,phoebe,yeah absolutely!
rachel,"ohhh, this is the least jealous i’ve ever been!",phoebe,"oh no wait no, this is wrong! ross isn’t here!"
joey,done.,phoebe,hey. i need an atlas! i need an atlas!
monica,why?  do you have a report due?,phoebe,"i have a date with this diplomat i met while i was giving free massages outside the un and, i don’t know where his country is."
monica,"okay, let’s start with the free messages outside the un.",phoebe,"oh!! that’s my new thing. i figure bodies at peace, make peace."
monica,wow! you might just get the first nobel prize in rubbing. so what country is this guy from?,phoebe,ick-neck-tree-anis..... there’s a ‘g’ in there.
monica,where’s that?,phoebe,in your atlas!
monica,i don’t have an atlas.,phoebe,oh.
monica,"oh, but wait i do have a globe.",phoebe,oh.
joey,so pheebs what’s this guy like?,phoebe,"umm, well he’s very dashing, yknow, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any english, but according to his translator, he totally gets me."
monica,"‘kay, here you go.",phoebe,what is this?
mischa,"he’s says, ‘walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.’",phoebe,"me too. although this city is my home, so. so that’s dumb what i said, don’t tell him i said that. umm, you make something up.  nice,  thank you. this is me. here."
mischa,your eyes are very pretty.,phoebe,"thank you, very much! oh!  thank you!"
mischa,he would like to kiss you.,phoebe,"okay, yknow what, you don’t have to do that now.  no-no-no-no!! not him, you don’t!  well the moment’s over."
mischa,oy!,phoebe,see there it is right there.
monica,wow! it’s small.,phoebe,yeah. but sergei said it took the germans six weeks to get all the way across it.
monica,"so you had fun, huh?",phoebe,"yeah. except for, yknow when you’re on a date and you’re getting along really great but the guy’s translator keeps getting in the way."
rachel,"no-no-no, no, honey please, i’ve got, i’ve just have so much to deal with.",phoebe,"anyway, i’m going out with sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator’s date? so that when we, it’s time for our alone time, you two could split off. yknow, he’s really, he’s kinda cute."
monica,"yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda cute, or kinda cute like your friend spackel back larry?",phoebe,"hey, don’t call him that! his name is spackel back harry!"
monica,oh my god! no wonder i get such great service at cafe maurice.,phoebe,"knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. um, could you please tell sergei that um, i was fascinated by what boutros boutros gali said in the new york times."
mischa,he says he was too.,phoebe,interesting.
mischa,so i was wondering....,phoebe,"okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell sergei that i really like his suit."
mischa,"oh, really.",phoebe,"monica, can i talk to you behind my menu, please.  what are you doing?"
monica,"well, i was having a conversation.",phoebe,"yeah but, mischa is so interested in you, that sergei and i haven’t been able to say two words to each other."
monica,what do you want me to do? just sit here silently while you three have a conversation?,phoebe,that would be great. thank you.
monica,oh.  can i have a tissue?,phoebe,"oh, yeah, sure. i just hope you, hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it."
mischa,"sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight.",phoebe,"well, tell him, apology accepted."
mischa,"oh, he’s unbelievable. i mean for the first time in three years somebody wants to actually want to talk to me, but do you think he would let me enjoy that, no!!  you silly diplomat, why don’t you learn some english, sergei?",phoebe,"excuse me, but umm, isn’t he paying for your dinner?"
sergei,"uh,  plate?",phoebe,"plate! yes, plate."
sergei,plate. plate. plate.,phoebe,"see, we don’t need them."
sergei,plate?,phoebe,yeah.
sergei,"touchet, touchet, miss americccan pie.  ameri-ccan.",phoebe,ameri-can.
sergei,ameri-ccan.,phoebe,ameri-can. yknow it’s a very hard language. let’s do it again.
rachel,"mom, would you relax. that was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, i would never do that. mom, cmon, stop worrying. this is a safe street,",phoebe,"well, i mean, im not married married, ya know, hes just a friend and hes gay and hes just from canada and he just needed a green card."
monica,"i cant believe you married duncan. i mean how could you not tell me? we lived together, we told each other everything.",phoebe,"im sorry monica but i knew if i told you, youd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve."
monica,"please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and i saw you eat a cheeseburger.",phoebe,"oh, i dont know. umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with fun bobby out on the terrace."
rachel,"ohh, im gonna have to get over it. god, see i didnt know thats i had to do, i just have to get over it.",phoebe,"um, im gonna go meet duncan, hes skating tonight at the garden, hes in the capades."
monica,"i cant believe youre dressing up for him. i mean, youre just, youre setting yourself up all over again.",phoebe,"ok, no. for your information im going to see him so i can put all those feeling behind me. ok, and the reason im dressed like this is because i think its nice to look nice for your gay husband."
rachel,"oh yeah, i dont care how much she tells you she wants it, i dont care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, shes gonna have sex with, with another man. that just means its working.",phoebe,"sparkly. so, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. mr. major capades guy. i, i remember when you were just, like, king friday in mr. rogers ice is nice."
joey,"thank you. wait wait wait wait, you see me again. hang on, the guys butts blockin me. there i am, there i am, there i am, there i am, there i am. . .",phoebe,"i, i dont, i dont understand, how can you be straight? i mean, youre, youre so smart and funny and you throw such great academy award parties."
duncan,"well, ive never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when id get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. but i, i, i told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.",phoebe,"i, i dont know what to say. i mean, you know, youre married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, oh, im not gay."
ross,twice.,phoebe,"oh hey, you guys, look! ugly naked guy is putting stuff in boxes!"
rachel,well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.,phoebe,its amazing! you better hurry up and fill out an application or im gonna beat you to it.
rachel,"well, i never thought id say this, but im gonna go use ugly naked guys bathroom.",phoebe,"oh, look! theres monica and chandler!  hey! hey, you guys! hey!  ohh!! ohh! ahh-ahhh!!"
rachel,what?!,phoebe,ahhh!! chandler and monica!! chandler and monica!!
rachel,oh my god!,phoebe,chandler and monica!!!!
rachel,oh my god!!!,phoebe,oh!! my eyes!!! my eyes!!!!
rachel,phoebe!! phoebe!! its okay!! its okay!!,phoebe,no! theyre doing it!!!
rachel,i know!! i know!! i know!,phoebe,you know?!!!
ross,"actually, it looks really good.",phoebe,get in here!!!
rachel,"uh-huh, doing it. doing it. phone doing it.",phoebe,"oh! oh, i cant believe it! i mean i think its great! for him. she might be able to do better."
rachel,"no. joey, she knows! we were at ugly naked guys apartment and we saw them doing it through the window.  actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.",phoebe,"okay, so now they know that you know and they dont know that rachel knows?"
joey,"yes, but yknow what? it doesnt matter who knows what. now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!",phoebe,"or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own."
rachel,wh-what do you mean?,phoebe,well yknow every time that they say that like theyre doing laundry well just give them a bunch of laundry to do.
joey,i cant take any…,phoebe,no! you dont have to do anything! just dont tell them that we know!
joey,ugh.,phoebe,"well, you could use your position yknow as the roommate."
rachel,okay.,phoebe,and then. i would use yknow the strongest tool at my disposal. my sexuality.
all,hey!,phoebe,"okay, watch, learn, and dont eat my cookie."
chandler,hey.,phoebe,"hey! ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!"
chandler,really?,phoebe,yeah the material feels so soft—hello mr. bicep! have you been working out?
chandler,"well, i try to yknow, squeeze things.  are you okay?",phoebe,"well, if you really wanna know, im—oh! i cant tell you this."
chandler,"phoebe, its me. you can tell me anything.",phoebe,well actually youre the one person i cant tell this too. and the one person i want to the most.
chandler,whats going on?,phoebe,"i think its just yknow that i havent been with a guy in so long and how sometimes youre looking for something and you just don’t even see that its right there in front of you sipping coffee—oh no, have i said to much? well its just something to think about. i know i will."
monica,i mean i-i dont i think i have enough quarters.,phoebe,i have quarters!
ross,a basket of mini-muffins.,phoebe,but theres a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. which one did you send?
all,bye!,phoebe,bye chandler!   i miss you already.
rachel,"oh ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!",phoebe,"yeah, why dont you just find another apartment?"
ross,"that is a great idea! and! i know ugly naked guy because weve been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! oh, lets see now he had the trampoline.",phoebe,he broke that.
ross,"okay, ive got to go pick up ben but i-i will figure something out.  hey, didnt he used to have a cat?",phoebe,"i wouldnt bring that up, it would probably just bum him out."
rachel,hello!  oh yeah! hey! hold on a second shes right here!  its chandler.,phoebe,oh?  hello you.
chandler,"hello phoebe, ive been thinking about you all day.",phoebe,eh?
chandler,"well you know that thing you said before, id be lying if i said i wasnt intrigued.",phoebe,really?
chandler,"yeah, listen, joey isnt gonna be here tonight so why dont you come over and ill let you uh, feel my bicep. or maybe more.",phoebe,"ill have to get back to you on that. okay, bye!  oh my god! he wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!"
rachel,are you kidding?!,phoebe,no!
rachel,"ugh, i knew it! oh i cannot believe those two!",phoebe,"god, they thought they can mess with us! theyre trying to mess with us?! they dont know that we know they know we know!  joey, you cant say anything!"
monica,oh yeah!,phoebe,"all right. all right! if he wants a date? hes gonna get a date. all right, im gonna go in."
rachel,all right. be sexy.,phoebe,please.
chandler,really?,phoebe,"oh absolutely. shall we say, around seven?"
chandler,yes.,phoebe,good. im really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.
rachel,show time!,phoebe,"okay, rachel, get me perfume!"
rachel,okay!,phoebe,"and joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses?"
rachel,"okay honey, now im gonna try to listen from right here!",phoebe,okay.
rachel,"okay? whoa, wait!",phoebe,good idea!
rachel,"yeah, oh wait!",phoebe,"oh now, dont give away the farm!"
chandler,phoebe.,phoebe,chandler.
chandler,come on in.,phoebe,"i was going too.  umm, i brought some wine. would you like some?"
chandler,sure.,phoebe,"so, here we are. nervous?"
chandler,me? no. you?,phoebe,"no, i want this to happen."
chandler,im gonna put on some music.,phoebe,"maybe, maybe ill dance for you."
chandler,you look good.,phoebe,"thanks! yknow, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!"
chandler,"well, why dont we move this into the bedroom?",phoebe,really?
chandler,"oh, do you not want to?",phoebe,"no. no! its just yknow first, i wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me."
chandler,"look, shes not backing down! she went like this!",phoebe,hes not backing down. he went to get lotion.
joey,"i like that!  oh, okay! show him your bra! hes afraid of bras! cant work em!",phoebe,"joey!  wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons."
chandler,"oh, youre-youre going?",phoebe,"umm, not without you, lover.  so, this is my bra."
chandler,"its very, very nice. well, come here. im very were gonna be having all the sex.",phoebe,you should be. im very bendy.  im gonna kiss you now.
chandler,not if i kiss you first.,phoebe,ooh.
chandler,"well, i guess theres nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.",phoebe,here it comes. our first kiss.
chandler,okay! okay! okay! you win! you win!! i cant have sex with ya!,phoebe,and why not?!
chandler,because im in love with monica!!,phoebe,youre-youre what?!
monica,i love you too chandler.,phoebe,"i just—i thought you guys were doing it, i didnt know you were in love!"
chandler,and hats off to phoebe. quite a competitor.  and might i say your breasts are still showing.,phoebe,god!
chandler,"one of lifes great, unanswerable questions. i mean, who knows? maybe theres something even more painful than those things? like this.",phoebe,morning.
joey,hey!,phoebe,whats that?
joey,its my house-warming present for monica and chandler.,phoebe,its a baby chick and duck!
joey,uh-huh. and i named them chick jr. and duck jr.,phoebe,i did not see that coming.
joey,"yeah, i figure theyll love it at the new house, you know? it has that big backyard. and then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that chandler took the other chick and duck to.",phoebe,yes.
joey,yeah. its a shame people cant visit there.,phoebe,"that is the rule, though."
ross,oh my god!,phoebe,"yeah, and i have a definite feeling its gonna be a girl."
ross,"phoebe, you were sure ben was gonna be a girl.",phoebe,have you seen him throw a ball?
ross,"uh, we, yknow, we worked things out.",phoebe,whats that smile? did something happen with you two?
ross,"oh, i.. i dont know. we didnt really get to talk.",phoebe,but do you wanna get back together?
ross,"i dont know. it was incredible. i mean, it just felt so right. when i was holding her, i mean, i never wanted to let her go. you know what? yeah, i do. i wanna be together.",phoebe,yay!
ross,shhh!,phoebe,yay!
ross,"wow, i hadnt thought of that. i hope not.",phoebe,"oh, this is like the best day ever. ever! you guys might get back together, monica and chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! oh, i feel like im in a musical!  daa - raa... when the sun comes up, bright and beaming! and the moon comes..."
rachel,morning!,phoebe,guess well never know how it ends.
rachel,chick and the duck? didnt they die...,phoebe,"dive. yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm."
ross,nothing! what do you say to that?,phoebe,"ross, youve got to tell her how you feel!"
joey,"dude, im just trying to speak your language.",phoebe,"ross, rachel doesnt know that you wanna get back together. if she did, she might feel differently. she might not even go."
ross,you really think so?,phoebe,"im telling you! oh, okay! this is the part of the musical where thered be a really good convincing song.  bam-bam, dont take no for an answer. bam-bam, dont let love fly away. bam-bam-bam-bam..."
rachel,hi!,phoebe,cant a girl finish a song around here?
rachel,"no, we decided that i would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring emma to paris on sunday.",phoebe,"wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? good luck, mom."
ross,oh my god!,phoebe,unbelievable!
monica,"yeah, im good.",phoebe,"hey, what are you working on?"
joey,its a... its a welcome home sign for the baby.,phoebe,"how sweet! oh, is that the baby?"
ross,hey.,phoebe,"hey. so, did you talk to rachel?"
ross,"no, and im not going to.",phoebe,what?
ross,because shes just going to shoot me down. you guys saw what happened with gunther. that did not look like fun.,phoebe,"how can you compare yourself to gunther? i mean, sure, hes sexy in a more obvious way. you have a relationship with her, you slept together last night."
joey,"yeah, i know what you mean. i mean, sometimes...",phoebe,"uh, joe?"
ross,"look, even if i were gonna tell her, i dont have to do it now. okay? ill be seeing her again. weve got time.",phoebe,"no, you dont! shes going to paris! she is going to meet somebody. do you know how many hot guys there are in paris? its... its a city of gunthers!"
mike,hey!,phoebe,hey! what do you have there?
ross,oh my god! you did that yourself?,phoebe,"honey, thats gorgeous!"
joey,"monica just called from the cab. she said they should be here any minute. and apparently, theres some big surprise.",phoebe,"yeah, did she sound happy about it? cause my friend ethels baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard."
ross,"aw, hes gonna be so happy.",phoebe,"oh, jack bing. i love that. ooh, it sounds like a 40s newspaper guy, you know? jack bing, morning gazette. im gonna blow this story wide open!"
mike,i want one.,phoebe,"oh yeah? well, tell me which one, and ill try slip it in my coat."
mike,seriously. wanna make one of those?,phoebe,one? how about a whole bunch?
mike,really?,phoebe,"yeah! ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the von trapp family! only without the nazis. although that sounds kinda dull."
rachel,"alright, now i really have to go. okay. au revoir! oh, theyre gonna really hate me over there.",phoebe,"so, you just let her go?"
joey,"yeah. you know? you just... look, you gotta... you gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye?",phoebe,but now shell never know how he feels!
joey,"yeah, you are!",phoebe,woo!
ross,"i dont know, but i.. look, even if she shoots me down, at least i wont spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. where - where is my coat?!",phoebe,"you didnt bring one! my cabs downstairs, ill drive you to the airport."
ross,"okay, guys, wish me luck.",phoebe,hurry!
ross,theres no seatbelt!,phoebe,"thats okay. if - if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, its better if youre thrown from the car."
ross,"alright, alright, lets do this!",phoebe,okay!
man,18th and east end.,phoebe,i - i dont take passengers.
man,"alright, i gotta report you. whats your medallion number?",phoebe,"my medallion number is, get out of the cab!"
ross,get out of the cab!,phoebe,get out of the cab!
joey,ah... chick jr.? duck jr.? dont hide from mama!,phoebe,you can open your eyes now.
ross,are we off the bridge?,phoebe,yes.
ross,is the old woman on the bicycle still alive?,phoebe,"yes, she jumped right back up."
ross,"oh my god, phoebe, slow down!",phoebe,do you wanna get to rachel in time?
ross,"yes, but i dont wanna die in your cab!",phoebe,you should have thought of that before you got in!
ross,what?,phoebe,toll-booth! four bucks. there are quarters in the glove compartment.
ross,okay!,phoebe,okay.
joey,it did not.,phoebe,"ross, where are you going?"
ross,"to talk to rachel, isnt that why we took a ride in the death-cab?",phoebe,what? what are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? have you never chased anyone through the airport before?
ross,not since my cop-show got cancelled.,phoebe,you have to get a ticket to get past security.
ross,what? were never gonna make it!,phoebe,"not with that attitude! now, haul ass!"
ross,"hey, i need a ticket.",phoebe,"just one? i drive you all the way down here, and i dont get to see how it works out?"
ross,"fine, two tickets, i need two tickets.",phoebe,were on our honeymoon.
ross,i dont care. whatever is the cheapest.,phoebe,im so lucky i married you.
ross,"okay, flight 421 to paris. i dont see it, do you see it?",phoebe,"no, did we miss it?"
ross,"no, no, no. thats impossible. it doesnt leave for another 20 minutes.",phoebe,maybe we have the flight-number wrong. god.
monica,hello.,phoebe,"hey, its me. heres ross."
ross,"phoebe! wow! no, no, no!",phoebe,"well, ive never gone this fast before."
ross,"phoebe, forget it, okay? newark is - is like an hour away. theres no way were gonna make it in time.",phoebe,"shes got her cell, you could call her."
ross,i am not doing this over the phone.,phoebe,you dont have any other choice!
rachel,hello?,phoebe,"rachel? oh, good. hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?"
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"for what its worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport."
ross,yay.,phoebe,"uh, rach, hang on."
rachel,phoebe? is everything okay?,phoebe,"uhm, actually no. no, youve... you have to get off the plane."
rachel,what? why?,phoebe,i have this feeling that somethings wrong with it. something is wrong with the left philange.
ross,where is she?,phoebe,i dont see her.
ross,rachel! rachel green!,phoebe,there she is!
ross,"no, no, no, but...",phoebe,rachel!!
rachel,oh my god... what.. what are you guys doing here?,phoebe,"okay, youre on."
ross,i really thought shed stay.,phoebe,im sorry.
joey,hey!,phoebe,hey.
joey,so did you guys make it in time?,phoebe,"yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway."
chandler,wheres ross?,phoebe,he went home. he didnt want to see anybody.
chandler,"look around, you guys. this was your first home. and it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. but more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin steal!",phoebe,"hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment?"
chandler,"oh, okay.",phoebe,"so, i guess this is it."
monica,i did.,phoebe,"yeah, i think so, yeah."
chandler,"well, this is fascinating. so, uh, what is it about me?",phoebe,"i dunno, cause youre smart, youre funny..."
rachel,"yes, chandler, thats exactly what it is. its your hair.",phoebe,"yeah, you have homosexual hair."
joey,twice?,phoebe,"oh, that sucks!"
ross,"i dunno, its weird. i mean, i know shes gone, but i just dont feel, uh...",phoebe,maybe thats cause shes not really gone.
monica,we checked. a lot.,phoebe,"hm, i mean maybe no-one ever really goes. ever since my mom died, every now and then, i get the feeling that shes like right here, yknow?  oh! and debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- i always get this really strong debbie vibe whenever i use one of those little yellow pencils, yknow? ...i miss her."
rachel,"aw. hey, pheebs, want this?",phoebe,thanks!
joey,"now, see, i dont believe any of that. i think once youre dead, youre dead! youre gone! youre worm food!  ...so chandler looks gay, huh?",phoebe,"yknow, i dunno who this is, but its not debbie."
ross,some days its all i can think about.,phoebe,"hi, sorry im late, i couldnt find my bearings."
rachel,"oh, you-you mean your earrings?",phoebe,whatd i say?
ross,"oh, i hope theyre not ruined.",phoebe,"god, what a great day. ...what? weather-wise!"
ross,im fine. just-just... having my worst fear realised...,phoebe,"okay, dont worry, im just checking to see if the muscles in spasm...huh."
ross,"what, what is it?",phoebe,you missed a belt loop.
ross,oh! no-n-,phoebe,"okay, its in spasm."
chandler,"hi, im chandler, and i have no idea who dorothy is.",phoebe,"hey, look whos up! how do you feel?"
ross,"not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...i love you guys. you guys are the greatest. i love my sister , i love pheebs...",phoebe,ooh! thats so nice...
chandler,so excited about your letter!,phoebe,hey!
monica,wow! dont you look nice?!,phoebe,"yes, i do! today is mike and my one-year anniversary."
rachel,"oh! whats it the anniversary of? your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex...",phoebe,yeah!
chandler,so you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate?,phoebe,"uh-uh. ehm, a knicks game."
joey,uhm... arent you a little overdressed?,phoebe,"hey, you know what, ive never had a one-year anniversary before, so no matter where we go, im wearing something fancy pants, and... im gonna put on my finest jewelry and were gonna have sex in a public rest room."
rachel,"ok, let’s keep talking.",phoebe,"excuse me, anniversary. excuse me, anniversary. . uhm, sir, could you move your nachos... they’re in my seat. its my anniversary.  here we are! . can’t believe its been a whole year!"
mike,i know. this has been the best year...  this has been the best year of my life!,phoebe,me too! i never thought i could love someone this much!
mike,i feel the same way!,phoebe,you’re so generous and kind and  youre amazing in bed   it’s our anniversary!
announcer,"knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the score board. someone has a special question to ask.",phoebe,"oh how lame... oh, it’s so tacky, and impersonal."
mike,really?,phoebe,"oh, it’s the worst way to propose!"
joey,"i’m curvy, and i like it!",phoebe,hi. i just had the worst anniversary ever.
chandler,word!,phoebe,"well, mine was worse than that."
rachel,"well, what happened?",phoebe,"we were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing..."
rachel,"oh, that is so tacky.",phoebe,"well, that’s what i said, but it turns out, mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night!"
ross,"well, do you wanna marry him?",phoebe,"yeah, i really do! yes, but, after i dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, i don’t think he’s ever gonna ask again! i mean, i said no in barbados and now this!"
monica,"maybe you dont need him to propose to you, maybe you can propose to him!",phoebe,"oh, i dont know, i dont know, isnt that a little desperate?"
monica,thank you.,phoebe,"well, do you think i should propose?"
ross,absolutely! youll love the feeling! theres nothing like it!,phoebe,"ok, ok, so how should i do it?"
monica,"what? what? he obviously thinks thats a nice way to be proposed to, plus hed never suspect it!",phoebe,"yeah, that does make sense. ok, now, would... would you two  like that?"
monica,"no, sorry sweety..",phoebe,"no, ive got work and then im proposing.."
mike,"great game, huh?",phoebe,"uhuh, uhuh..."
mike,why do you keep looking at the screen?,phoebe,im not. im praying.  please let the knicks win... thank you thor!  where... where are you going?
mike,going go to the bathroom.,phoebe,"well, i think you should wait."
mike,why?,phoebe,"well, if you dont... if you dont hold it in, you dont get all the nutrients."
(we see the screen where it says,mike will you marry me? and then we see phoebe and mike on the screen. phoebe stands up and kneels in front of mike.),phoebe,mike hannigan... will you marry me?
announcer,get a load of this... shes proposing to him. guess we know who wears the pants in that family.,phoebe,thats not very enlightened!
amy,"ugh, im sorry... ella.",phoebe,"that woman at the game didnt know what she was talking about. mike, obviously you have balls."
mike,"but please, lets just forget the whole thing.",phoebe,"i would love it. consider it forgotten... but just so you know... however and whenever you decide to propose, i promise ill say yes. whether... whether, you know, it is in a basketball game, or in sky writing, or you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake."
mike,where else would lame mr. no balls hide it?,phoebe,"whats the matter with me? how do i keep ruining this? im sorry, im sorry!"
mike,im gonna do this now.,phoebe,oh my god!
mike,"phoebe, i...",phoebe,wait! oh wait!  oh no!
mike,ready?,phoebe,uh-huh!
mike,"phoebe, i love you. theres no-one else in the world i would ask to marry me... three times. but i wanna take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you... phoebe buffay, will you marry me?",phoebe,yes!
mike,i love you!,phoebe,i love you more!
rachel,no! phoebes! dont you remember why you dumped the guy?,phoebe,"cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, its nice to have a date on valentines day!"
monica,i dont know. maybe were some kinda magnets.,phoebe,i know i am. thats why i cant wear a digital watch.
monica,"theres more beer, right?",phoebe,"oh! you know my friend abby who shaves her head? she said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual."
rachel,"pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.",phoebe,"yeah. so, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. its valentines day. its perfect."
monica,"ok, well, what kind of ritual?",phoebe,"ok. we can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us."
rachel,or?,phoebe,"or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks."
ross,"oh, and shes pregnant with my baby. i always forget that part.  helloo!",phoebe,"ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine."
monica,"all i have is, is oregano and a fresca.",phoebe,"um, thats ok!  ok. all right. now we need the semen of a righteous man."
monica,can we just start throwing things in?,phoebe,"ok, yeah, ok.  oh, ok."
rachel,"ok, barrys letters. adam ritters boxer shorts.",phoebe,"ok, and i have the, uh receipt for my dinner with nokululu oon ah ah."
rachel,"oh, my god.",phoebe,"see, there you go, the cleansing works!"
joey,hey.,phoebe,hi!
rachel,"honey, what are you doing? that’s too heavy.",phoebe,yeah.
monica,okay.,phoebe,"ohh, i’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. y’know, i have to find a job where i carrying a smaller table."
chandler,or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.,phoebe,you mean like a doctor?
joey,pheebs! you’re blocking the porn! look out!,phoebe,"ohh!  oh my. oh, that reminds me, i have to see my ob-gyn today."
the doctor,that’s it.,phoebe,oh my god!
the doctor,have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?,phoebe,"why don’t take care of this one, and should i get pregnant again, i’ll hold onto your card, okay?"
the doctor,"no, i’m getting three separate heartbeats.",phoebe,three? you guys were worried i wouldn’t even have one!
the doctor,doctors are wrong all the time.,phoebe,"well, yeah."
the doctor,definitely.,phoebe,oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!! so i-i mean so in a few months i’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! oh! oh! and it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
the doctor,"actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one.",phoebe,what do you know?!
alice,"oh-oh, phoebe!",phoebe,ooh! hi!
alice,"hi!  so, how did it go at the doctors?",phoebe,"oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, oh, that’s nice?"
frank,yes.,phoebe,"okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies."
alice,"we’re gonna have a big family, i’ve always wanted a big family!",phoebe,"oh god, i’m so glad you guys are happy, i was so afraid you were going to be all freaked."
frank,why would we be freaked?,phoebe,"no, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and…"
alice,right.,phoebe,"no, back to happy. back to happy!"
alice,"no, frank.",phoebe,no you can’t quit college! no! you’re in college? really?
frank,"yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know i figured y’know like i should y’know have like a career—and i love refrigerators!",phoebe,you can’t give up on your dream.
rachel,"i’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny.  hey, pheebs!",phoebe,hey.
monica,how did it go with frank and alice?,phoebe,"well, frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! i need to make a lot of money really fast, and i had an idea that i want to talk to you  about, ‘cause you work for a big company. okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me."
chandler,because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.,phoebe,"ooh, good, you’re hear! okay."
monica,hey!,phoebe,hi!
rachel,"well, what-what ‘cha got there?",phoebe,"oh this, well i’m glad you asked.  now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife?  ahh! now, i know what you’re thinking…"
monica,"phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they?",phoebe,no!
monica,are you sure?,phoebe,no!
rachel,"honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help frank and alice just by selling knives.",phoebe,"no-no, i know that, but i just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan."
chandler,what’s the second part of your plan?,phoebe,my saturn dealership.
rachel,hey!,phoebe,ooh-ooh! i did it! i did it! i figured out a way to make money! i’m gonna open up my own massage place and frank’s gonna help me! and! we can work it around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school!
rachel,"well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised…",phoebe,i’m telling it! i’m telling it!
rachel,okay.,phoebe,"okay. you know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so i just figured we could combine the two, okay, i give the massages and frank drives! i can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what i’ve got?"
chandler,a place where no one will ever get out alive?,phoebe,"no! think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it’s…"
rachel,relaxi-taxi!,phoebe,the name was my favourite part!
rachel,"well, well i can up with it!",phoebe,you did not!!!! oh! no! you came up with relaxi cab! that’s not good.
monica,"okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show up by then, then just come on home.",phoebe,"hey, tell him about relaxi-taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than relaxi cab."
rachel,"okay, it’s not relaxi cab. it’s relaxicab, like taxicab.",phoebe,"oh, that is better."
rachel,"oh! oh, i just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.",phoebe,"ooh, ill go in on that with you! i couldnt think of anything."
ross,hey!,phoebe,hey! i brought you some house warming gifts.
ross,aww.,phoebe,"yeah. salt, so your life always has flavor."
ross,huh.,phoebe,"bread, so you never go hungry."
ross,ohh.,phoebe,"and a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, yknow."
ross,thanks. thanks. and thanks again.,phoebe,yeah!
steve,oh hi phoebe.,phoebe,mr. president.
ross,"ugh, can you believe that guy!",phoebe,yeah. i really like his glasses.
ross,phoebe!,phoebe,"oh, hi ross!"
ross,what are you doing?,phoebe,"oh, i thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for howard. hes just the sweetest little man!"
ross,you chipped in?!,phoebe,"yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars."
ross,phoebe! i cant believe you gave them money! i thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!,phoebe,"yeah, but they didnt ask me! yknow? this way im just yknow, the exotic, generous stranger. thats always fun to be."
ross,"yeah, but youre making me look bad!",phoebe,no im not. no! if anything im making you look better! theyll see you talking to me and thats--im a hit!
steve,"oh hey, pheebs!",phoebe,hey!
steve,"oh hey, ross. umm, see, i was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because phoebes more our kind of people. something to think about.",phoebe,"yeah, okay, my bad."
ross,phoebe?,phoebe,thats what im saying.
ross,phoebe? phoebe?,phoebe,ooh.
ross,"look, this is a disaster! cant i please just go?",phoebe,"no! no! im talking you up to people. just give it a little time, all right? relax, get something to eat! okay?"
ross,"so uh, what did you tell them about me?",phoebe,"oh, i was telling them about you and emily. yknow, try to get some sympathy."
ross,ohh.,phoebe,but somehow you came off as the bad guy.
ross,what?!,phoebe,"yeah, i think i told it wrong. yknow, we should talk about that because i dont totally understand what happened there."
ross,"ohh, this cake is really good!",phoebe,"oh, okay, see? things are looking up already!"
steve,"go back to 3-b, 3-b!",phoebe,"all right, everyone calm down! everyone calm down! i have something that i would like to say! who here likes ross?  of course you dont like him! he-he didnt give you any money, he raised his own hand when i asked, who hear likes ross, and hes wearing two nametags!  i-ill be honest with you guys, when i first met ross i didnt like him at all! but then once i got to know him i saw that hes really sweet and caring and very generous. i mean, all im saying is dont judge ross before you get to know him all right? i mean, i like all you guys now, but when i first meet you yknow kurt, i thought, yknow abrasive drunk, umm lola, mind numbingly stupid! and okay, you guys   gold-digger,  cradle robbing perv! so, i think you all know what i mean."
ross,"youre right, im sorry. will you marry me?",phoebe,"aw, and i was gonna ask you to marry me because i forgot to say hello to you last week."
chandler,"all right joey, be nice. so does he have a hump? a hump and a hairpiece?",phoebe,"wait, does he eat chalk?"
joey,never had that dream.,phoebe,no.
ross,thanks.,phoebe,ooh! oh!
ross,"no, no dont! stop cleansing my aura! no, just leave my aura alone, okay?",phoebe,fine! be murky!
rachel,"daddy, i just... i cant marry him! im sorry. i just dont love him. well, it matters to me!",phoebe,"if i let go of my hair, my head will fall off."
monica,"just breathe, breathe.. thats it. just try to think of nice calm things...",phoebe,"raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens,  bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... la la la la...something and noodles with string. these are a few..."
rachel,im all better now.,phoebe,i helped!
ross,"no, go on! its paul the wine guy!",phoebe,"what does that mean? does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot?"
monica,"change! okay, sit down.  two seconds.",phoebe,"ooh, i just pulled out four eyelashes. that cant be good."
joey,"hey pheebs, you wanna help?",phoebe,"oh, i wish i could, but i dont want to."
monica,i hate men! i hate men!,phoebe,"oh no, dont hate, you dont want to put that out into the universe."
monica,is it me? is it like i have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?,phoebe,"all right, cmere, gimme your feet."
rachel,i know that. thats why i was getting married.,phoebe,"give her a break, its hard being on your own for the first time."
rachel,thank you.,phoebe,"youre welcome. i remember when i first came to this city. i was fourteen. my mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and i got here, and i didnt know anybody. and i ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then i found aromatherapy. so believe me, i know exactly how you feel."
joey,i cant believe what im hearing here.,phoebe,i cant believe what im hearing here...
monica,what? i-i said you had a-,phoebe,what i said you had...
monica,would you stop?,phoebe,"oh, was i doing it again?"
joey,"okay, so we went to the beach, because phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and i don’t really know what happened with that.",phoebe,ehh?
ross,okay.,phoebe,"i-i mean i, well i think i can figure it out. i guess yknow i was born, and everyone started lying their asses off! phoebe sr.: noo! no! it wasn’t like that i... remember how i told you how lily, frank, and i we were, we were close. well, we were, we were very close."
chandler,"nope! because i’m not your boyfriend.  hey pheebs, how did it go?",phoebe,"well, umm, my mom’s friend, phoebe, is actually my birth mom."
monica,"sweety, what are you talking about?",phoebe,"oh, my new mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner!"
joey,"whoa, wait, pheebs, wait a second! don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it?",phoebe,"no. i’m just, i wanna, i need to be alone."
joey,if you want some privacy you can use my hole.,phoebe,"well, i’m ready to get the hell out of here!  oh. are you? are you?!!  ohh! that’s so great!! ooh, not for bonnie.  but for you, yay! ohh."
joey,me too.,phoebe,"okay, i’m gonna put this  in the car."
joey,"it’s between us and the sea, ross!",phoebe,"hi, ursula."
ursula,hey!,phoebe,"okay, well umm, i know that we haven’t talked in a long time, but umm okay, our mom is not our birth mom. this-this other lady is our birth mom."
ursula,"right, okay, the one that lives in montuak, umm-hmm.",phoebe,you know her?!
ursula,"no, i umm, i read about her in mom’s suicide note.",phoebe,"there-there was a suicide note?!  well, do you still have it?"
ursula,hang on.,phoebe,i can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a suicide note!
ursula,yeah. so how have you been doing?,phoebe,"i, umm, shut up!"
ursula,"well, it’s pretty much the gist. well, except for the poem. you read the poem, right?",phoebe,noooo!!
chandler,hey! phoebe! we can talk to phoebe!!,phoebe,no. i’m-i’m to depressed to talk.
joey,that’s ‘cause sometimes i just do it through my wall to freak you out.,phoebe,"“...fuchsia and mauvvve. those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.”  thank you, thank you. ohh, and i invite you to count the colours in your bedroom.  except for you. you go away. phoebe sr.: i’ll go in a second, i-i just wanted to tell you that there hasn’t been a day where i didn’t regret giving you up."
chandler,…betrothed couple.,phoebe,hey!
rachel and monica,hi!,phoebe,haaaa...  ... ahhhh!
chandler,pheebs?,phoebe,huh?
chandler,skull?,phoebe,"oh, yeah, its my moms."
rachel,oh my god!!,phoebe,"no, no, no. its not! its not my mom. it belonged to mom. yeah, no, she used to put it out every christmas to remind us, that even though its christmas, people still die. and, you can put candy in it."
ross,"nope. i mean, i know susan does every year, but i think i wanna take this year to teach him all about hanukkah.",phoebe,and maybe i could teach ben about the christmas skull and how people die.
monica,bings weird.,phoebe,"oh, hey, you guys!"
monica,hey!,phoebe,"hey. guess what! my landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so i guess ill be moving out."
monica,"ahh, phoebe, im gonna miss you!",phoebe,"yes, you will be very sad. all right, well i gotta go tell rachel the good news."
chandler,ohh! you guys gonna be living together again?,phoebe,"yeah, why not?"
chandler,"well, shes just so much fun with joey, i just assumed, shed still be living with him.",phoebe,"why do you think, shes having so much fun living with joey?"
chandler,"no reason, except…she…told…me.",phoebe,"really? so she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore?"
monica,"phoebe, dont worry about it. im sure she wants to live with you.",phoebe,youre sure? youre absolutely sure?
monica,"well, no. but, um, i bet she probably does.",phoebe,"probably? yeah, i dont like that word.  kind of what ‘probably’ really means. yeah, uh-huh. yeah, oh, your mom probably wont kill herself, y’know? im sorry, but im not hanging all my hopes of rachel and i living together on-on probably! y’know? you gotta take care of yourselves!  in this world history teaches us nothing!"
rachel,ha!,phoebe,"so you like the drums! thats, thats great! y’know, i was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. all right, okay, well, apparently not! so, yay!"
rachel and joey,tequila!!,phoebe,thats fun.
joey,thank you.   hey pheebs!,phoebe,hey!
chandler,hey pheebs!,phoebe,hey!
monica,"its not just the drum noise. every five minutes, joey throws his sticks in the air, and i have to hear, oh my eye! oh god, my eye! i mean, it is so annoying.",phoebe,"yes, thank you. you see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums."
monica,"phoebe, you got joey drums to annoy rachel, so she wouldnt wanna live there anymore?",phoebe,maybe on some level.
joey,what is rock n roll about that?,phoebe,"hey, joey, i got you another present."
joey,"oh wait, before you tell me what it is!  okay, what is it?",phoebe,"its a…tarantula!  oh! god! rachel, look, im sorry. what was i thinking giving joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?"
rachel,"oh, isnt that adorable? joey is afraid of the tarantula.",phoebe,"ah, yeah, hes so adorable, god, hes just so much fun, joey is the best, im glad youre having so much fun here."
rachel,"what? wait-wait a minute, what? phoebe, whats the matter?",phoebe,our apartment is ready.
rachel,and that makes you angry because…,phoebe,because you would rather live here with joey.
rachel,where did you get that?,phoebe,monica and chandler said that you were having so much fun here. and apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
rachel,phoebe?,phoebe,hm?
rachel,"did you get all this stuff for joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!",phoebe,fish!
rachel,"it wouldnt have mattered anyway, phoebe, you and i are, are gonna live together, were roommates; thats the deal.",phoebe,"yes, but i wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if youre having so much fun over here…"
rachel,"oh, its so much more fun with you.",phoebe,"we did have fun, didnt we?"
rachel,we did!,phoebe,"oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight."
rachel,"oh, i would love to!",phoebe,"yay, okay!"
rachel,"good, good, good, good, good.",phoebe,"great, all right, okay, and monica ask me to make the drumming stop."
rachel,oh wow! look at this place!,phoebe,"oh, this is terrible. oh, they’ve made so many changes i can’t even feel my grandmother’s presence anymore—ooh! new sconces!"
rachel,oh my god!,phoebe,what?
rachel,"okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?",phoebe,yeah?
rachel,and remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down?,phoebe,yeah?
rachel,do you really not know where i’m going with this?  it left! it’s one huge room!,phoebe,oh no!   oh! wow!!!
rachel,see?,phoebe,"well, i guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up."
rachel,"you can’t, because of the new skylight!",phoebe,there’s a skylight?! wow!!
rachel,so what should we do? should we start looking for a new place?,phoebe,"y’know i’m-i’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that."
rachel,oh yeah? startin’ to feel her again there are we?,phoebe,"a little bit, yeah."
rachel,pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?,phoebe,you heard her too?! you have the gift!
rachel,"phoebe, it’s okay. i like living with joey.",phoebe,are you sure?
rachel,"oh please, i hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. although, i’m really gonna miss living with you.",phoebe,oh me too.
rachel,"i know.  oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? listen, i’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give rachel the purple chair?",phoebe,"no, i do not hear that."
rachel,hey!,phoebe,oh.
rachel,oh.,phoebe,oh.
rachel,monica what?,phoebe,what?!
monica,thank you.,phoebe,"yeah, except your breasts look kinda small."
monica,those are my eyes! those are my breasts.,phoebe,oh! yeah!
monica,"ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!",phoebe,well maybe you don’t talk about your feelings back then. maybe you just say something about y’know all the things that he’s taught you. like…  or all the things you taught him.
joey,"well, i can’t do everything! look back over your time together.",phoebe,"oh, look, twins. hi, guys. oh, cute, cute."
rachel,hey!,phoebe,hey!
ross,how’s monica coming along with her vows?,phoebe,"well let’s just say its she’s lucky she has a sweet ass, ‘cause she’s not so good at the writing."
ross,i can’t believe in four weeks they’re gonna be married!,phoebe,well let’s just hope it works. y’know nine out of ten marriages end in divorce?
ross,phoebe that’s not true.,phoebe,"yeah, you’re right. how’s the mrs.?"
rachel,arghh!!,phoebe,"oh, look! theres monica and chandler!  hey! hey, you guys! hey!  ohh!! ohh! ahh-ahhh!!"
rachel,what?!,phoebe,ahhh!! chandler and monica!! chandler and monica!!
rachel,oh my god!,phoebe,chandler and monica!!!!
rachel,oh my god!!!,phoebe,oh!! my eyes!!! my eyes!!!!
rachel,phoebe!! phoebe!! its okay!! its okay!!,phoebe,no! theyre doing it!!!
rachel,i know!! i know!! i know!,phoebe,you know?!!!
ross,"actually, it looks really good.",phoebe,get in here!!!
joey,"yes, but yknow what? it doesnt matter who knows what. now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!",phoebe,"or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own"
all,bye!,phoebe,bye chandler!   i miss you already.
chandler,"ahh yes, the messers become the messies!",phoebe,"ill have to get back to you on that. okay, bye!  oh my god! he wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!"
rachel,are you kidding?!,phoebe,no!
rachel,"ugh, i knew it! oh i cannot believe those two!",phoebe,"god, they thought they can mess with us! theyre trying to mess with us?! they dont know that we know they know we know!  joey, you cant say anything!"
chandler,"look, shes not backing down! she went like this!",phoebe,hes not backing down. he went to get lotion.
joey,"i like that!  oh, okay! show him your bra! hes afraid of bras! cant work em!",phoebe,"joey!  wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons."
chandler,"oh, youre-youre going?",phoebe,"umm, not without you, lover.  so, this is my bra."
chandler,"its very, very nice. well, come here. im very happy were gonna have all the sex.",phoebe,you should be. im very bendy.  im gonna kiss you now.
chandler,not if i kiss you first.,phoebe,ooh.
chandler,"well, i guess theres nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.",phoebe,here it comes. our first kiss.
chandler,okay! okay! okay! you win! you win!! i cant have sex with ya!,phoebe,and why not?!
chandler,because im in love with monica!!,phoebe,youre-youre what?!
monica,i love you too chandler.,phoebe,"i just—i thought you guys were doing it, i didnt know you were in love!"
ross,no! no! wh… what are you doing?!!  get off my sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!,phoebe,"y’know, you’re friend’s getting married, it’s gotta change things."
rachel,you really think it would be that different?,phoebe,"how could it not be? i mean pretty soon they’re gonna be having kids, and then they’re just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. and then maybe they’re gonna have to leave the city to be near a volvo dealership."
monica,"hey, you guys!",phoebe,hey.
chandler,so we both finished our vows.,phoebe,oh!
rachel,okay.,phoebe,okay. (they spilt into their sexes and the girls read monica’s and the guys read chandler’s. the girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
monica,"wow, all you need now is the killing fields and some guacamole and youve got yourself a part-ay.",phoebe,"yeah, i talked to my grandma about the old yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. you know, before she killed herself."
ross,"yeah, that way i figure, ya know, well be far enough away from our parents that we dont have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. and yes, i know, the taxes are a little higher than, lets say, nassau county but the school systems supposedly great.",phoebe,"uh huh, what is happening to the world? i mean, no no no, cause et leaves, and and rocky loses, charlotte dies."
monica,"its just that he doesnt have that much free time, ya know, and i dont know, what do i do?",phoebe,does it matter? youre ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.
ross,"ok, then youre gonna have to understand that youre with a guy whos not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that were gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, cause youre gonna have to deal with that.",phoebe,"oh yeah. you know, i dont know if i was happier when um george bailey destroyed the family business or um, donna reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed."
monica,"alright, ill give you the ear thing but dont you think the ending was pretty wonderful?",phoebe,"i didnt watch the ending, i was too depressed. it just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, its a sucky life and just when you think it cant suck any more it does."
ernie,"bert, bert. bert. hey, what happened to my friend bert? he was here just a moment ago. oh no, my old friend bert is lost.",phoebe,"oh, im so glad youre here."
ross,"that’s right, i love you! and-and i’m gonna play with you all the time.",phoebe,how can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
rachel,he’s talking to the baby.,phoebe,"ohh! okay! okay, cause when-when he said, i can’t wait to hear your first words, i thought, there’s a trick."
rachel,"okay. well, i gotta go you guys. i’ll see you later.",phoebe,okay.
joey,she took ‘em!,phoebe,hey ross! doesn’t ben go to the smithfield day school?
ross,yeah. why?,phoebe,sting has a son that goes there too!
ross,yeah i know; he’s in ben’s class.,phoebe,you knew this and you never said anything?! with all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!
ross,fine! no more dinosaur stuff! can i talk about fossils?,phoebe,"sting’s son, seven years old and there’s a picture."
ross,what are you reading? the kidnappers guide to manhattan private schools?,phoebe,"no, it’s new york magazine. it’s an article about the best schools in the city. so how well do you know sting?"
ross,"uh, i actually haven’t even met him.",phoebe,"uh-huh, yeah that’s too bad. i really want to go to his concert friday night, but it’s totally sold out. i know! why don’t you meet him and get tickets?! if you get two i’ll take you."
ross,"well actually, i’m picking ben up tomorrow, maybe he’ll be there.",phoebe,"there you go! oh, you are so lucky! you might actually get to meet sting tomorrow! that’s why you have kids!"
chandler,you can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them.,phoebe,wow! they’re beautiful!
monica,they hurt so much!,phoebe,what?!
monica,"i can’t! i spent so much money on them and i told chandler that i’d wear them all the time, i just can’t give them away!",phoebe,well then get your money back and return them!
ross,"i dropped him off at carol’s.  anyway, it turns out that i’m not going to be able to get those tickets though.",phoebe,oh no! why not?
ross,well it turns out that ben and sting’s son do not get along.,phoebe,how come?!
ross,"apparently, sting’s son made fun of the fact that ben’s moms are lesbinims.",phoebe,wait! but ross if they don’t get along then you should smooth things over. make them be friends.
ross,"phoebe, you can’t force kids to be friends.",phoebe,"sure you can! give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!"
ross,playpen?! ben’s seven!,phoebe,your kid is seven?! he’s really small.  please! please get the tickets!
ross,"look i’m sorry pheebs, i can’t do it.",phoebe,yes you can! sting says so himself!
ross,what?,phoebe,rosssss can!
ross,"look phoebe, i’m sorry it’s just…",phoebe,rossss can!
ross,"phoebe, i…",phoebe,rosss can! give me the tickets! ross can give me the tickets!!
rachel,i know.,phoebe,"oh, there you are ben!"
ben,"aunt phoebe, what are you doing here?",phoebe,"well, i heard you’re having a problem with one of the boys in your class. and so i thought i would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. now umm, the boy’s name is sting’s son."
ben,jack? i hate him! he’s a jerk.,phoebe,"now ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers."
ben,i have to go. my friend doug is waiting for me over there.,phoebe,him you’re friends with.
the teacher,"excuse me. can, can i help you with something?",phoebe,"yes! yes you can, i’m looking for jack’s parents."
the teacher,are you with one of the students?,phoebe,"uh-huh, i’m with ben."
the teacher,are you one of ben’s mothers?,phoebe,"i am one of ben’s mothers. i’m a lesbian. it was, it was difficult coming out to my parents."
the teacher,"well hi, i’m jenny boone. i’m the new teacher here.",phoebe,oh.
the teacher,i’ve only met your partner carol.,phoebe,ah! okay so that would make me susan.
the teacher,right. are you looking for jack’s parents to discuss the problems he’s having with ben?  yeah. because i really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation.,phoebe,"yeah! let’s do that!! that-that sounds good. we should sit down and talk, just me, my lover carol, and the stings. umm, how-how will i get in touch with them?"
the teacher,"oh, their number is on the contact sheet.",phoebe,"uh-huh. uh-huh. umm, could-could i get a copy of that? ‘cause carol threw it out, she lost ours. she’s such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass."
rachel,"oh, come on kids! a little help here!",phoebe,wow! this place is incredible!  sting’s pen…that he gave to phoebe.  come on! secret passageway!
trudie styler,hi!,phoebe,hi!
trudie styler,i’m trudie.,phoebe,uh-huh.
trudie styler,you must be ben’s mum.,phoebe,why else would i be here?
trudie styler,do sit down.,phoebe,uh-huh.
trudie styler,i gather jack and ben haven’t been getting along lately.,phoebe,yeah.
trudie styler,"i’m told there are two sides to this story, but all i’ve heard is that ben’s a bit of a poo-poo head.",phoebe,"umm, i’m sorry. won’t-won’t jack’s father be joining us?"
trudie styler,"oh i’m sorry, jack’s father is not available.",phoebe,"uh-hmm. okay. well then, could we reschedule? for say, friday night perhaps at 8 o’clock?"
trudie styler,"oh no, i know that wouldn’t work. my husband’s in concert.",phoebe,"concert. yeah. that does put us in…quite a pickle. because you see i’m very busy before and after the concert, and he’s obviously busy during."
trudie styler,"so, i guess you and i should talk about jack and ben right now.",phoebe,"unless! unless umm, okay i-i would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course."
trudie styler,are you here for tickets?,phoebe,"oh, thank you. four would be great."
trudie styler,i’m not giving concert tickets to someone who’d use their son like this!,phoebe,oh good! then you’re in luck! ben’s not my son!
trudie styler,"look, i’ve just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. any minute now, the police will be here!",phoebe,the police? here? a reunion?!
ross,you’re gonna love me so much. i got sting tickets!!,phoebe,oh my god! i do love you! how did you do it?!
ross,well…let’s just say…  rosss caaaaan!,phoebe,"oo, where are the seats?"
ross,"uh, middle balcony.",phoebe,"okay, now would you say that that’s more than 50 yards away from sting, his wife, or a member of his family?"
ross,yeah.,phoebe,then that’s not breaking the law! i’m there!
rachel,"oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play wipe-out on your butt cheeks.",phoebe,"all right, yknow forget hypnosis. the way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men."
frank,hi!,phoebe,oh my god!!
frank,hi!,phoebe,frank! hi!
frank,how are you?,phoebe,what are you doing here?
frank,"oh, well yknow, i would’ve called but i lost your phone number and then ah, my mom locked me out of the house so i couldn’t find it. and then, i tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. so...",phoebe,what happened?
frank,"ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.",phoebe,"but, also, what happened between you and your mom?"
frank,"well, we got into a fight ‘cause ah, she said i was to immature to get married.",phoebe,your getting married?!
all,wow!,phoebe,my little brother’s getting married!!
frank,"oh, i knew you’d be so cool about this. all right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her?",phoebe,do i?
frank,do you?,phoebe,"yeah, i do, yeah."
chandler,"yknow, i would’ve bet good money that he’d be the first one of us to get married.",phoebe,"yeah, isn’t it fantastic?"
monica,"yeah, ah, but pheebs don’t you think he’s a little young to get married?",phoebe,"what, he’s 18."
alice,"yknow it-it’s funny, um, frank told me so much about you, but your not how i pictured you at all.",phoebe,"yeah, i’m a big surprise."
rachel,oh my god!! great!,phoebe,"wow, kids. frank, are you sure you’re ready for that?"
alice,"yknow, i mean, really we do realise that there’s an age difference between us.",phoebe,oh good! okay. ‘cause you were acting like you didn’t.
pete,"ho-ho, i will.",phoebe,"no, i know, i know, that this is frank’s life,  yknow. yknow, i don’t want to be all judgmental, yknow, but this is sick, it’s sick and wrong!"
ross,"pheebs, what, is it the age thing?",phoebe,"no-no, oh, i’m fine with the age thing yknow, until it starts sticking it’s tongue down my little brother’s throat!"
joey,"pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.",phoebe,"but, i mean, do you think he’s gonna enjoy it when he’s up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! this is not fair to frank,  and it-it’s not fair to the babies, and yknow what, it’s not good home economics."
joey,"well, have-have you told him how you feel?",phoebe,yes. not out loud.
ross,"pheebs, if you don’t tell him, soon he’s gonna be married, and then you’re gonna hate yourself.",phoebe,"yeah, but if i do tell him, then he’s gonna hate myself. i mean look at him and his mom, i can’t.  but, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it."
ross and joey,no-no-no-no-no.,phoebe,"come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, i have everything to lose. do you want me to lose everything? everything?!"
ross and joey,no.,phoebe,"okay, i’m gonna go get frank."
joey,"all right, congratulations you lucky bastard!",phoebe,you’re frank’s best man?!
joey,"i couldn’t help it, there love is so pure.",phoebe,"well then,  what about you?! huh?!"
ross,i’m the ring bearer.,phoebe,"hi! oh, alice, hi! thanks. i’m so glad you could come, ‘cause i’ve got a real umm, home ec emergency."
alice,"oh my god, who died on this?!",phoebe,"yeah, i know. it’s a real mustard-tastrophe. can you help me?"
alice,"absolutely. okay, first we’ll start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn’t work we can go back to…",phoebe,"yknow what, forget it. it’s ruined."
alice,"oh no-no, never say that. if we can’t get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.",phoebe,"or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother frank."
frank,"hi.  wait, no! just put the mail down. it’s-it’s me!",phoebe,"okay. whoa, sorry. why were you just like all in the dark?"
frank,"oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that i thought i’d curl up in it. is that all right?",phoebe,"oh, yeah, sure. so, how was your day?"
frank,"oh, well just probably the worst one since i’ve been alive.",phoebe,"what umm, what happened?"
frank,"umm, alice ah, she ah, called it off.",phoebe,"oh no. did umm, did she say why?"
frank,"uh, no, not really, just that i was too young, yknow, but i don’t see how i could all of the sudden be too young, ‘cause i’m older than i was when we first got together.",phoebe,"yeah, yeah, no, i don’t, i don’t know. but, yknow what, maybe it’s just all for the best?"
frank,"yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!",phoebe,"oh, sweetie, oh."
frank,"yknow, i just was finally happy yknow. for the first time in my life! after my dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! i can, it’s still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with alice all that stuff kinda went away. and now it’s, and now it’s gone and i don’t know why!",phoebe,"uh, well i can tell you why. it’s, it’s because of me. but, yknow what, i only did it because i love you. okay?"
frank,what?,phoebe,"umm, well i, i kinda had a little chat with alice, and i sort of made her see why you two shouldn’t be together, yknow. and you’re gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will."
frank,"wait a minute, wait, this is because of you?",phoebe,okay.
frank,"well, you, wait no, my mother didn’t want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.",phoebe,"okay, but."
hypnosis tape,"you do not need to smoke. cigarettes don’t control you. you are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.",phoebe,"hey, frank. look, okay, i know that you think i did like this totally evil thing, but i so didn’t. there’s someone here who can explain this better than i can."
alice,"phoebe’s right frank. i know it’s hard to hear, but it would’ve been wrong to go through with it. i-i-i was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not.  is that it, is that what it is?",phoebe,"yeah, but not just that."
alice,"right, not just that. umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less…",phoebe,none the less.
alice,"none the less. umm, you’re too young to, to really know what you want.",phoebe,"that’s right, exactly.  all right, it’s a good bye kiss, that’s good.  bye-bye.  okay, no, the important thing is that you see what i’m saying, yknow, just yknow, this is clearly wrong.  okay, i’ve decided i’m gonna let this happen! okay, can i just get my purse?  okay, all right, good. ."
chandler,"so, we’ll do the rest of the bills later then?",phoebe,so is joey going to have to give up the apartment?
chandler,"no, i hope not! i tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it.",phoebe,"well, how much do you think he needs?"
chandler,"i figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? but i have to trick him into taking it so i won’t hurt his pride.",phoebe,why don’t you hire him as an actor? you could have him dress up and put on little skits. whatever you want.
monica,"well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with rachel we thought we’d go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that rachel is moving in with phoebe.",phoebe,"and also, my birthday."
monica,it’s not your birthday.,phoebe,what a mean thing to say! i would never tell you it’s not your birthday!
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey! so you guys have anything planned for the big last night?
rachel,of course i packed! monica relax! i just wanted to ask phoebe her opinion on what i should wear tonight.,phoebe,"my god, i can’t get a minute of peace around this place."
rachel,"yeah, yeah, i know.",phoebe,"well, what you’re wearing is fine for that."
monica,"i’ll be coordinator! oh my god! i’m so sorry, i didn’t get you anything! okay, look everybody has to help! okay? you can help, can’t you phoebe?",phoebe,i have plans.
monica,you’re plans were with us.,phoebe,that’s right.
monica,"all right, chandler can make boxes, ross can wrap, and joey can lift things. now phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!",phoebe,okay.
monica,"okay!  oh my god, thank you!!",phoebe,"hurry! monica’s gonna make you pack! she’s got jobs for everyone! now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves!"
rachel,i guess you weren’t there.,phoebe,"you guys, we said we were gonna have fun! come on, hey, remember the time…  you don’t remember?"
monica,i’m gonna miss you so much.,phoebe,"well, this doesn’t have to be so sad though. y’know? maybe instead of just thinking about how much you’re gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you’re not gonna miss."
monica,i don’t think there’s anything.,phoebe,"come on, there’s gotta be something."
rachel,i have one.,phoebe,good! great! you can go first.
rachel,"uh well, i guess i’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen.",phoebe,"good that’s a good one. okay, monica, anything? y’know? does rachel move the phone pen?"
monica,"aw, sometimes. always, actually.",phoebe,"okay, good. there you go. doesn’t anyone feel better?"
rachel,"so-so, you missed a message from who? chandler or your mom? or chandler? or your mom?",phoebe,great! it worked! no one’s sad.
ross,"ben, say hi to aunt monica.  oh, i guess he doesn’t feel like talking right now. he’s smiling though! okay, talk to you later.",phoebe,"yeah, i think it was better when you guys were sad. hey, uh, remember the roller blades?"
rachel,"i’m monica, i don’t get phone messages from interesting people. ever!",phoebe,hey! i call her!
rachel,"oh my god, i can’t find a boyfriend! so i guess i’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy i find in there!",phoebe,"yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations."
monica,i’m not talking to her!,phoebe,"well, one of you has to take the first step! and it should be you, because she’s the one who’s leaving. it’s harder for her!"
monica,"well, maybe you’re right—she made fun of my phone pen!",phoebe,"i know, i took it hard too."
rachel,look! this is ridiculous. we should be packing you!!,phoebe,"hey, how are you guys doing?"
rachel,oh really?! then how come all your stuff is in this box?!,phoebe,"okay, you guys. you guys i think i know what’s going on here. okay, you guys… stop!!  i know that, i know that you’re acting mad because you think that it’ll make it easier to leave. but deep down you’re still really sad. deep-deep down."
monica,no phoebe i am mad!,phoebe,"well, deep-deep-deep down!"
rachel,"yeah, i’m just mad!",phoebe,then keep running.
rachel,"funny, because i was just gonna go across the hall and write that on chandler.",phoebe,"hey you guys, i don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, i don’t want to live with rachel anymore."
monica and rachel,what?!,phoebe,you’re just so mean to each other! and i don’t want to end up like that with rachel. i still like you!
monica,"do you wanna live outside?! because it’s gettin’ cold!  she gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that i’d like.",phoebe,what else?
rachel,"yeah, i do. i-i do, do that.",phoebe,that’s nice. i like having things to read in the bathroom.
rachel,"oh, it’s gonna be fine.",phoebe,"okay rachel, i can’t wait to live with you! and you know what we should do? bring monica and then we could all live there together! we’ll have so much fun!!"
rachel,"but honey, i think she’s moving in with chandler.",phoebe,oh that’s right. you’re still set on that?
ross,my friend bethel rescued him from some lab.,phoebe,that is so cruel! why? why would a parent name their child bethel?
ross,"nah, i dunno... i think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe-  ....sorry, thats, thats pathet, which is sanskrit for really cool way to live.",phoebe,"so you guys, im doing all new material tonight. i have twelve new songs about my mothers suicide, and one about a snowman."
rachel,"well, for your information, paolo is gonna be in rome this new year, so ill be just as pathetic as the rest of you.",phoebe,"yeah, you wish!"
rachel,"phoebe, youre on.",phoebe,"oh, oh, good."
rachel,"okay, hi. ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, miss phoebe buffay. wooh!",phoebe,"thanks, hi. um, i wanna start with a song that means a lot"
max,"no. no, thats- thats okay.",phoebe,"well, cmon, if its important enough to discuss while im playing, then i assume its important enough for everyone else to hear!"
david,noth- i was- i was just saying to my-,phoebe,could you speak up please?
david,"-hard quality. and uh, while daryl hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. then, uh, that-that-thats when you started yelling.",phoebe,"okay, were gonna take a short break."
ross,just a smidge.,phoebe,"davids like, yknow, scientist guy. hes very methodical."
monica,i think its romantic.,phoebe,me too! oh! did you ever see an officer and a gentleman?
rachel,yeah!,phoebe,"well, hes kinda like the guy i went to see that with. except, except he-hes smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... i just- i just wanna be with him all the time. day and night, and night and day... and special occasions..."
chandler,"wait a minute, wait a minute, i see where this is going, youre gonna ask him to new years, arent you. youre gonna break the pact. shes gonna break the pact.",phoebe,"no, no, no, no, no, no. yeah, could i just?"
david,"...but, you cant actually test this theory, because todays particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.",phoebe,"okay, alright, i have a question, then."
david,yuh.,phoebe,"um, were you planning on kissing me ever?"
david,"uh, thats definitely a, uh, valid question. and, uh, the answer would be  yes. yes i was. but, see, i wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, cause its you.",phoebe,sure.
david,"right. but, see, the longer i waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now weve reached a place where its just gotta be one of those things where i just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. and, uh, im not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.",phoebe,"oh, david, i, i think you are a sweeping sorta fella. i mean, youre a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicists body."
david,rrrreally.,phoebe,"oh, yeah, oh, im sure of it. you should just do it, just sweep and throw me."
david,...now? now?,phoebe,"oh yeah, right now."
david,"okay, okay, okay.  yknow what, this was just really expensive.  and ill take- this was a gift.",phoebe,"okay, now youre just kinda tidying."
david,"okay, what the hell, what the hell.  you want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?",phoebe,i can hop.
max,phoebe. hi.,phoebe,"oh, hi max! hey, do you know everybody?"
max,no. have you seen david?,phoebe,"no, no, he hasnt been around."
max,"well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. we are going to minsk.",phoebe,minsk?
max,minsk. its in russia.,phoebe,i know where minsk is.
max,"we got the grant. three years, all expenses paid.",phoebe,"so when, when do you leave?"
max,january first.,phoebe,hello?
david,hey!,phoebe,hi.
david,hi!  what-whatre you doing here?,phoebe,"um, well, max told me about minsk, so congratulations! this is so exciting!"
max,itd be even more exciting if we were going.,phoebe,"oh, youre not going?  oh, why?"
david,"thank you, max. thank you.",phoebe,so-so youre really not going?
david,i dont know. i dont know what im gonna do. i just- you decide.,phoebe,oh dont do that.
david,please.,phoebe,oh no no.
david,"no, but im asking-",phoebe,"oh, but i cant do that-"
david,"no, but i cant-",phoebe,"its your thing, and-"
david,-make the decision-,phoebe,"okay, um, stay."
david,stay.,phoebe,stay.
rachel,rome. jerk missed his flight.,phoebe,and then... your face is bloated?
chandler,"oh, will you give me the thing.",phoebe,"hi, max!"
max,it wont be the same- but itll still be minsk. happy new year.,phoebe,are you alright?
david,"yeah, im fine, im fine.",phoebe,youre going to minsk.
david,"no, im... not going to minsk.",phoebe,"oh, you are so going to minsk. you belong in minsk. you cant stay here just cause of me."
david,"yes i can. because if i go it means i have to break up with you, and i cant break up with you.",phoebe,"oh yes, yes, yes you can. just say, um, phoebe, my work is my life and thats what i have to do right now. and i say your work?! your work?! how can you say that?!. and then you say, um, its tearing me apart, but i have no choice. cant you understand that?. and i say  no! no! i cant understand that!."
david,"uh, ow.",phoebe,"ooh, sorry. um, and, and then you put your arms around me. and then you put your arms around me.  and, um, and then you tell me that you love me and youll never forget me."
david,ill never forget you.,phoebe,and then you say that its almost midnight and you have to go because you dont wanna start the new year with me if you cant finish it.  im gonna miss you. you scientist guy.
joey,looks like that no date pact thing worked out.,phoebe,everybody looks so happy. i hate that.
chandler,"yknow, i uh.. just thought id throw this out here. im no math whiz, but i do believe there are three girls and three guys right here.",phoebe,i dunno. i dont feel like kissing anyone tonight.
rachel,"everybody? shh, shhh. uhhh... central perk is proud to present the music of miss phoebe buffay.",phoebe,"hi. um, i want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. ok, here we go.  ok, thank you very much."
monica,"pants and a sweater? why, mom? who am i gonna meet in a blackout? power company guys? eligible looters? could we talk about this later? ok.",phoebe,can i borrow the phone? i want to call my apartment and check on my grandma.  whats my number?
joey,"well, chandlers old roomate was jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... happy chanukah, everyone.",phoebe,"eww, look. ugly naked guy lit a bunch of candles."
ross,"pheebs, what about you?",phoebe,oh... milwaukee.
ross,"the ride broke down. so, carol and i went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the magic kingdom.",phoebe,"oh, rachel."
jill,"sorry, its not.",phoebe,"new york city has no power, and the milk is getting sour. but to me it is not scary, cause i stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la..."
joey,youd better act surprised.,phoebe,about what?
monica,my surprise party!,phoebe,what surprise party?
monica,oh stop it. joey already told me.,phoebe,"well, he didnt tell me."
joey,"hey, dont look at me. this is rosss thing.",phoebe,this is so typical. im always the last one to know everything.
monica,"no, you are not. we tell you stuff.",phoebe,yuh-huh! i was the last one to know when chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. i was the last one to know when you had a crush on joey when he was moving in.  looks like i was second to last.
joey,"sorry, that was wax.",phoebe,"oh, poor little tooty is scared to death. we should find his owner."
chandler,"you know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.  gum would be perfection? gum would be perfection. could have said gum would be nice, or ill have a stick, but no, no, no, no. for me, gum is perfection. i loathe myself.",phoebe,"oh no, the mendels, they hate all living things, right?"
mr. heckles,"er, yeah, its mine.",phoebe,he seems to hate you. are you sure?
mr. heckles,"yeah, its my cat. give me my cat.",phoebe,wait a minute. whats his name?
mr. heckles,"mmm. bob buttons. here, bob buttons.",phoebe,oooh! you are a very bad man!
ross,"that, that is funny... .... and rachel keeps touching him.",phoebe,alright. i looked all over the building and i couldnt find the kitty anywhere.
rachel,"oh, i found him. he was paolos cat.",phoebe,ah! well! there you go! last to know again! and im guessing... since nobody told me... this is paolo.
rachel,"ah, paolo, this is phoebe.",phoebe,you betcha!
monica,"if you want, ill do it.",phoebe,"i know, i just want to bite his bottom lip.  but i wont."
rachel,"god, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in bermuda with barry.",phoebe,"you know, did you ride mopeds? cause ive heard... ... oh, i see... its not about that right now. ok."
jill,"no, youve got to whip it.",phoebe,"oh, look look look. the last candles about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... ... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48...."
ross,thank you.,phoebe,thanks.
monica,this is my favorite part.,phoebe,yeah me too.
monica,"oh, i’ve got it! i have got it!  pictures from your childhood. this will get you going good!",phoebe,"all right, what’s going on there?"
chandler,oh they didn’t want to come!,phoebe,oh chandler!
monica,poor thing!,phoebe,so that story doesn’t make you cry?
the fan,excuse me.,phoebe,yeah?
the fan,are you phoebe buffay?,phoebe,yeah.
the fan,"can-can i get your autograph, i’m your biggest fan.",phoebe,oh you’re my biggest fan? i’ve always wanted to meet you! hi!  sure! yeah!
the fan,"wow! wow, thanks a lot! i just wanna say, i think you’re really talented.",phoebe,"you’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan.   joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay?  he’s a fan.  bye!"
joey,re! re! then i can watch that! rewind it! rewind it!,phoebe,hey! what’s up?  oh my god! what am i doing?!!
ursula,who is it?,phoebe,it’s phoebe! phoebe!
ursula,hey!,phoebe,oh god. so-so you’re making porn movies.
man’s voice,we’re still rolling!,phoebe,you’re making one right now!
another man’s voice,let’s go phoebe!,phoebe,and-and you’re using my name!
same man’s voice,"phoebe, come on!",phoebe,"look, i’m talking right now! you’re—you mean her."
ursula,"y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.",phoebe,what?!
ursula,"yeah, i can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.",phoebe,no!! no way! no! and stop using my name! and shame on you!  and shame on all of you! you’re disgusting! especially you  with that!
jill,so?,phoebe,hey!
joey,hey!,phoebe,"so, i just came from the company ursula works for."
joey,"oh no, not you too!",phoebe,no! no! i just went to pick up phoebe buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them.
joey,nice!,phoebe,"um-mmm, and i won’t have to go there anymore because i gave them my correct address."
joey,"that’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star?",phoebe,oh no! no! i know how to handle it.
joey,you do?,phoebe,"yeah.   you’re trying to figure out where you know me from? all right, i’ll give you a hint. from porn! okay?  yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!  see?"
chandler,"i-i can’t believe jill’s gone.  i can’t help it, i opened a gate.",phoebe,"oh, hey joey."
joey,"uh, hey.",phoebe,"listen, i need to ask you something. ok, you know how my step dads in prison."
joey,yeah.,phoebe,"yeah. well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so hed come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing iceman in the exercise yard just couldnt wait till monday."
joey,so he cant come?,phoebe,"no, and so theres no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, i would just really love it if you would do it."
joey,seriously?,phoebe,"yeah, youve... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. i mean, youve always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom..."
joey,i am pretty wisdomous.,phoebe,so... what do you say?
joey,"are you kidding? phoebe, i would be honored.",phoebe,"oh, thank you. i hope... i hope you know how much you mean to me."
joey,"listen, i hope... that you know...  i dont want you to see your father cry, go to your room!",phoebe,oh.
joey,"oh no, no, no, let your dad get this.",phoebe,"oh, its my wedding planner. shes driving me crazy!  hello... hey, ok, stop screaming! ok? so, halibut. all right, so salmon, either way. i dont-i dont... it doesnt matter to me!"
monica,"well, it matters to me!",phoebe,"well, i dont care, so you pick!"
monica,"did you just hung up on me?  all right, look, i need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours.",phoebe,uh-uh. ok. what time is that.
monica,you dont know military time?,phoebe,"why, i must have been in missile training the day they taught that."
monica,just subtract twelve.,phoebe,"ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and..."
monica,six oclock!,phoebe,ok.
monica,"ok. hold on.  geller here! no! i said it has to be there by 4 oclock. goodbye.  oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture?",phoebe,ice sculpture? that sounds really fancy! i told you i just want a simple wedding.
monica,"please... honey, leave the details to me. now i wanna make this day as special for you as i can. now, ok, i was thinking that the harpist should wear white.",phoebe,what harpist? my friend marjorie is playing the steel drums.
monica,ooh... she backed out.,phoebe,she did? why?
monica,i made her.  steel drums dont really say elegant wedding. nor does marjories overwhelming scent.,phoebe,hey! she will shower when tibet is free.
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey!
chandler,"you look great. im so glad were having this rehearsal dinner, you know, i so rarely get to practice my meals before i eat them.",phoebe,"okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?"
chandler,no stupid jokes. i thought that was for the actual wedding.,phoebe,rehearse it!
mike,yeah.,phoebe,so rach.
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,where is emma?
rachel,hey pheebs...,phoebe,whats up?
chandler,heh.,phoebe,"uhm... well, theyre not in the wedding."
rachel,"well, this is really awkward  oh, and i can leave!",phoebe,"im sorry you guys but, you know, mikes got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were-you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut."
monica,"pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it.",phoebe,oh! i though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian!
monica,"yeah, i changed them. i-i sent you a fax about it!",phoebe,i dont have a fax machine.
ross,"so, what did you decide?",phoebe,i decided to pee.
chandler,mike didnt tell you? you have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. one of his groomsmen fell out.,phoebe,"oh no, no. i cant choose between you two! i love you both so much!"
chandler,just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.,phoebe,"oh, i dont wanna choose! its . oh okay, wait. rach! listen i have a very special bridesmaid task for you today."
rachel,"goody, what is it!",phoebe,"well, theres a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between ross and chandler. so good luck with that."
rachel,"what, what, what, no, i dont wanna do that.",phoebe,"all right, i guess ill have to find a new bridesmaid."
monica,"its 2101 and i am not amused. . ok, the bride and groom have a few words theyd like to say.",phoebe,"ok. hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. so tomorrows the big event and some of you might not know, but mike and i didnt get off to the best start. . my friend joey and i decided to fix each other up with friends so i, i...  oh i... hum... i gave it a lot of thought and i fixed him up with my friend mary ellen who couldnt be here tonight because...  its not important... she is in rehab. anyway, so, ok, joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend mike, only he didnt have a friend mike so he just brought, uhm, my mike and, and  but despite, you know... it got... it got good. ok, i wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldnt be here... monica : oh god."
monica,what?,phoebe,youre fired!   cheers!
rachel,happy wedding day!,phoebe,"oh, happy my wedding day to you!"
monica,"hi. about last night... i know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... my point is, uh, well, im willing to take my job back.",phoebe,"oh, well thats ok. i think you and i will do much better if youre just... here as a bridesmaid."
monica,"oh, is that so? ok. if thats really what you want, then here... i give you the headset. well, i dont really want to give you the headset. well i guess if youre taking over, you should probably return these messages.",phoebe,"wow, this is a lot!"
monica,"uh-huh, but im sure you can handle this. i mean, i have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, im sure youll do fine.",phoebe,you won awards?
ross,"yes, yes!",phoebe,sven i dont understand what youre saying! what is wrong with the flowers? lorkins? what the hell are lorkins?
mike,hey.,phoebe,"listen, mike, if you were swedish and you were saying the word lorkins what flowers would that be?"
mike,orchids?,phoebe,right there! thats why im marrying you!
rachel,oh my...,phoebe,"no! were gonna do it my way.  because your way is stupid! alright i gotta go, i have another call, reverend.  hello?"
mike,"yes. yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice.  that didnt make me uncomfortable at all! alright, so ill see everybody tonight?",phoebe,okay.
mike,"uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?",phoebe,"oh my god, whats it doing here?"
monica,"ugh, i guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address.  uh! what a pickle.",phoebe,"oh my god, everything is such a mess. why is this happening to me?"
rachel,"wow, this is a tough one. i think im gonna have to go with the dog.",phoebe,"alright, wait, so what youre saying is that the chef is at the hamilton club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? are you, are you freaking kidding me!?"
monica,hows it going?,phoebe,help me.
monica,what?,phoebe,i want you to be crazy bitch again.
monica,really?,phoebe,please?
monica,you really want me to come back?,phoebe,more than i wanna get married.
joey,"hey, what are you guys gonna do?",phoebe,about what?
ross,i cant believe you guys arent going to be able to get married today.,phoebe,i know.
rachel,"wow, you know, its so beautiful out there. you always wanted to get married outside. why dont you guys just do it on the street?",phoebe,what?
rachel,"well, look, its hardly snowing anymore. i mean you couldnt ask for a more romantic setting. this could be the simple wedding youve always wanted!",phoebe,what do you think?
mike,i think i wanna get married to you today.,phoebe,"me too!  monica, do you think we could do it?"
monica,"okay, joeys doing the ceremony and chandlers giving you away.",phoebe,"oh, okay. hi new dad."
monica,"so, youre ready to do this?",phoebe,"uhuh, uhuh... oh my god! this is really happening."
rachel,"oh phoebe, im so happy for you honey.",phoebe,"oh, thank you."
monica,"i love you.  oh, wait, wait, wait! no hugs. the dresses... oh what the hell.",phoebe,i love you guys.
chandler,ready?,phoebe,okay.
chandler,okay.,phoebe,"oh wait, oh no. wait."
chandler,wow! arent you gonna be cold?,phoebe,i dont care... ill be my something blue.
chandler,you look beautiful.,phoebe,thank you.
mike,my god! arent you freezing?,phoebe,na-ah.
joey,okay...,phoebe,"when i was growing up, i didnt have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and i always knew that something was missing. but now im standing here today, knowing that i have everything im ever gonna need... you are my family."
mike,"phoebe youre so beautiful. youre so kind, youre so generous. youre so wonderfully weird. every day with you is an adventure, and i cant believe how lucky i am, and i cant wait to share my life with you forever.",phoebe,"oh wait, oh i forgot... and uhm... i love you... and you have nice eyes."
joey,"oh, okay. phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband?",phoebe,i do.
joey,i now pronounce you... husband and wife.,phoebe,"i got married!  could someone get me a coat, im freaking freezing."
chandler,hey.,phoebe,hey.
chandler,"thats so funny, cause i was thinking you look more like joey tribbiani, man slash woman.",phoebe,what were you modeling for?
monica,"oh, wow, so youre gonna be one of those healthy, healthy, healthy guys?",phoebe,"you know, the asthma guy was really cute."
monica,"phoebe, youre gonna be with your grandma?",phoebe,"yes, and her boyfriend. but were celebrating thanksgiving in december cause he is lunar."
monica,"so youre free thursday, then.",phoebe,"yeah. oh, can i come?"
ross,"well, im off to carols.",phoebe,"ooh, ooh! why dont we invite her?"
ross,"look, if shes talking to it, i just think that i should get some belly time too. not that i believe any of this.",phoebe,"oh, i believe it. i think the baby can totally hear everything. i can show you. look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then well all talk, and youll hear everything we say."
rachel,saw what?,phoebe,"no, we were just laughing. you know, how laughter can be infectious."
chandler,"no, i prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.",phoebe,"look out, incoming pumpkin pie!"
ross,"ok, mom never hit.",phoebe,"ok, all done."
monica,"what, phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? ross needs lumps!",phoebe,"oh, im sorry, oh, i just, i thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions."
monica,why would we do that?,phoebe,"well, cause then theyd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died."
chandler,come on. an 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. how often does that happen?,phoebe,almost never.
rachel,i loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.,phoebe,"yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? i mean, that was just mean."
rachel,"no, i didnt. i wouldnt say i had the keys unless i had the keys, and i obviously didnt have the keys.",phoebe,"ooh, ok, thats it. enough with the keys. no one say keys."
chandler,now this feels like thanksgiving.,phoebe,ooh.
rachel,what?,phoebe,ugly naked guys taking his turkey out of the oven. oh my god. hes not alone. ugly naked guys having thanksgiving dinner with ugly naked gal.
monica,"ooh, ugly naked dancing!",phoebe,its nice that he has someone.
joey,"oh, i will.",phoebe,"ooh, you guys have to make a wish."
monica,make a wish?,phoebe,"come on, you know, thanksgiving. ooh, you got the bigger half. whatd you wish for?"
monica,what is it hon?,phoebe,"i-i can’t find anything that i want to eat! everything i eat makes me nauseous! i’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! cake!  no."
monica,"aww, honey i’m sorry.",phoebe,god! ooh! what is that smell? it’s coming from the bathroom. ooh!
joey,yeah?,phoebe,"it’s me. it’s phoebe. listen there’s something in here i want to eat, what-what smells so good?"
joey,is it the shampoo? it’s guava.,phoebe,no!
joey,oh! wait-wait!  is it my bologna sandwich?,phoebe,yes. yes. yes. i can’t believe it! the baby wants bologna! maybe he wants me to eat meat? i can’t eat meat!
ross,hello! hello!,phoebe,"yes! i know! i know! yeah! so the baby is totally craving meat. this afternoon i tried tricking it, i made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? and i got nauseous."
chandler,maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck!,phoebe,being pregnant is tough on your tummy.
joey,"hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.",phoebe,"that’s sweat. you throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too."
ross,monica said that did she?,phoebe,"ooh, yeah. then what are you going to put on top of that?"
joey,a little salami.,phoebe,"ooh yeah! then umm, what goes on top of the salami?"
joey,pastrami.,phoebe,"oooh, yeah. you’re a genius."
rachel,"okay, my turn!! (rachel spins the bottle and it lands on….wait for it….joshua.  rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)",phoebe,oh my god!! the baby just kicked!
rachel,just a bug.,phoebe,"y’know it doesn’t matter how much i’m craving it. y’know why i’m never gonna eat meat? because it’s murder, cold blooded murder."
joey,"phoebe, what-what are you doing?!",phoebe,i can’t help it. i need the meat. the baby needs the meat.
joey,"all right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot?",phoebe,"yeah, totally!"
joey,feel better now?,phoebe,"yeah, but at what cost? six more months, three meals a day, i’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows."
joey,"hey, what if i said, i could even things out for ya, meatwise.",phoebe,what?
joey,"well, i eat a lot of meat right?",phoebe,yeah.
joey,"well, suppose until the baby’s born i laid off it. no extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals.",phoebe,"joey, i can’t believe you would do that for me."
joey,"oooh, what you got there?",phoebe,pastrami.
joey,"oh-ho-ho, yeah! hey! y’know what goes good with that?",phoebe,"hm-mm, corn beef."
joey,"ooh, i was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. how about a little of that smoked turkey?",phoebe,okay.
joey,oh mama! uh when-when is the baby due?,phoebe,six months.
joey,"ugh. now if a cow should die of natural causes, i can have one of those right?",phoebe,not if i get there first.
monica,"ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and i know hes gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but i couldnt resist.",phoebe,"oh, look at these! hey, ben. just do it.  oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?"
julie,"oh, listen you guys. i have this friend at bloomingdales whos quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. so, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?",phoebe,"i cant, i have to take my grandmother to the vet."
monica,but im...,phoebe,"monica, she will kill you. she will kill you like a dog in the street."
monica,youre welcome.,phoebe,"woof, woof."
monica,"phoebe, listen. you were with me, and we were shopping all day.",phoebe,what?
monica,"we were shopping, and we had lunch.",phoebe,"oh, all right. what did i have?"
monica,you had a salad.,phoebe,"oh, no wonder i dont feel full."
rachel,"hey, guys, whats up.",phoebe,"i went shopping with monica all day, and i had a salad."
rachel,"good, pheebs. whatd you buy?",phoebe,"um, we went shopping for um, for, fur."
rachel,you went shopping for fur?,phoebe,"yes, and then i realized im against that, and uh, so then we bought some,  uh, boobs."
rachel,you bought boobs?,phoebe,bras! we bought bras! we bought bras.
monica,"yes. uh, yes, i did. that was my friend, eddie moskowitz. yeah, he likes it. reaffirms his faith.",phoebe,"ben, dinner!"
ross,"thanks aunt pheebs. hey, you didnt microwave that, did you, because its breast milk, and youre not supposed to do that.",phoebe,"duh, i think i know how to heat breast milk. ok."
chandler,what did you just do?,phoebe,"i licked my arm, what?"
ross,its breast milk.,phoebe,so?
ross,"ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?",phoebe,you wont even taste it?
ross,no!,phoebe,not even if you just pretend that its milk?
carol,how did we do?,phoebe,"oh, i tasted bens milk, and ross freaked out."
ross,that would be no.,phoebe,come on. it doesnt taste bad.
rachel,i love you too.,phoebe,"you guys, um i know that this really doesnt have anything to do with me, but um i love you guys too.  oh, i really needed that."
monica,id do anything for you.,phoebe,"wait, wait, wait, wait!"
chandler,"oh, listen. if this is about those prank memos, i had nothing to do with them. really. nothing at all. really.  nothing.",phoebe,"hey you guys! chandlers coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know..."
all,hey!,phoebe,never mind. but it was going to be really good.
chandler,"if i took this promotion, itd be like admitting that this is what i actually do.",phoebe,so was it a lot more money?
chandler,i dont know. thats the thing. i dont know what i want to do. i just know im not going to figure it out working there.,phoebe,"oooh! i have something you can do! i have this new massage client... steve?  anyway, hes opening up a restaurant and hes looking for a head chef."
monica,um... hi there.,phoebe,"hi!  oh, yeah, no, i know. youre a chef. i know, and i thought of you first, but um, chandlers the one who needs a job right now, so...."
chandler,yeah... i just dont have that much cheffing experience. unless its an all-toast restaurant.,phoebe,"yeah, yeah!"
monica,"well, what kind of food is he looking for?",phoebe,"well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so hes looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu."
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,"yeah, i know!  so, what do you think?"
chandler,"thanks, phoebe. but i just dont really see myself in a big white hat.",phoebe,ok.  oh monica! guess what!
rachel,"no. but dont worry, im sure theyre still there.",phoebe,"where are you going, mr. suity-man?"
monica,"oh, i love my life, i love my life!",phoebe,ooh! brians song!
rachel,what are you going to make?,phoebe,yummy noises.
monica,i dont know. i dont know. its just going to be so great!,phoebe,"ooh! i know what you could make!  i know! oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff?  you know, that thing... with the stuff...? ok, i dont know."
chandler,who are you going out with?,phoebe,"oh, is this the bug lady?"
chandler,"eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do i learn?  you are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation.",phoebe,thats so great! cause you already know how to do that!
monica,"hello?  oh, hi wendy!  yeah, eight oclock.  what did we say? ten dollars an hour?...  ok, great.  all right, ill see you then. bye.",phoebe,ten dollars an hour for what?
chandler,well?,phoebe,"wow! its huge! its so much bigger than the cubicle. oh, this is a cube."
chandler,look at this!,phoebe,oh! you have a window!
chandler,yes indeedy!  with a beautiful view of...,phoebe,oh look! that guys peeing!
chandler,"ok, thats enough of the view. check this out, look at this. sit down, sit down.",phoebe,ok.
steve,"yeah, ok.",phoebe,"mmmmmm! everything smells so delicious! you know, i cant remember a time i smelt such a delicious combination of  of, ok, smells."
rachel,whats up?,phoebe,"in the cab, on the way over, steve blazed up a doobie."
rachel,what?,phoebe,"smoked a joint? you know, lit a bone? weed? hemp? ganja?"
ross,"look, youll get there. youre an amazing chef.",phoebe,yeah! you know all those yummy noises? i wasnt faking.
ross,"yeah, which was nice.",phoebe,you guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?
chandler,"yes, fran. i know what time it is, but im looking at the wenus and im not happy!...  oh, really, really, really? well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because i care about it! you got it? good!  whooooaaaa....",phoebe,hows this?
steve,eeeee!,phoebe,sorry. how about over here?
steve,aaaaah!,phoebe,"see, that just means its working. does this hurt?"
steve,no.,phoebe,what about this?
steve,aaaaahhh!!,phoebe,there you go!
ross,yes! yes! yes!!,phoebe,"his first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting!"
ross,yeah.,phoebe,i never had a bike of my own.
ross,what?!,phoebe,"well, we didn’t have a lot of money. but the girl across the street had the best bike! it was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on."
monica,did the girl ever let you ride it?,phoebe,no! but she gave me the box that it came in. it had a picture of the bike on the front.  so i would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
ross,that is so unfair!,phoebe,"not really, i got to drag him around too!"
joey,"uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time i got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!",phoebe,"yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. they love it!"
ross,"mine stole my newspaper! it’s like a crime wave!!  pheebs, you uh, you got a second.",phoebe,sure!
ross,"yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike i-i couldn’t stop thinking about it. i mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so…",phoebe,oh my god ross!!
ross,you like it?,phoebe,i love it!!
ross,yeah?,phoebe,ohh!! ohh!! and i love you!
ross,ahh.,phoebe,not that way! but the bike brought you a lot closer!
ross,"ah!  well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride.",phoebe,okay! oh my god! my first bike! thank you for the best present i’ve ever gotten.
ross,you’re welcome.,phoebe,oh and chandler’s about to cry.
joey,hey pheebs?,phoebe,oh hi!
chandler,hey! so are you enjoying the bike?,phoebe,"ohh, uh-huh so much!"
ross,pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you?,phoebe,of course!
monica,"umm, can we see you ride it?",phoebe,okay.  see?
ross,"okay, now just remember everything i taught you and you’ll be fine. okay? here we go. ready…set…",phoebe,"wait! this seat is really uncomfortable! yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair!"
ross,"phoebe, you can’t get out of this! okay? you have to learn how to ride a bike!",phoebe,why? why do i have to learn?
ross,well…in-in case of emergency.,phoebe,what kind of an emergency?
ross,"well let there—what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, you ride this bike or i’ll sh…i’ll shoot you.",phoebe,"okay, i would ring the bell to distract him and then i would knock the gun out of his hand with a chinese throwing star."
ross,"okay, phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and—hey! i’ll hold you up and-and push you. okay?",phoebe,you won’t let go?
ross,no!,phoebe,swear?!
ross,i swear!,phoebe,okay.
ross,"come on.  all right, here we go. all right?",phoebe,all right.
ross,all right. feel good?,phoebe,well…
ross,"all right, try pedaling.",phoebe,okay.
ross,"that’s it, your doing great.",phoebe,okay.
ross,doing great! yes-yes-yes! take control! yes!,phoebe,weee!!!
ross,yes!! yes!!!,phoebe,oh! oh! oh no!! you swore!
ross,i-i just thought you were doing so well. i…,phoebe,i am shocked! shocked!!
ross,"by the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me.",phoebe,"oh, hello liar."
ross,"look, i-i’m really sorry i let go of the bike.",phoebe,i could’ve been killed i hope you know!
ross,"i know. i know. but, can we please try it again? huh? i mean, you were so close phoebe!",phoebe,"well, i would love to but…the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects."
ross,phoebe.,phoebe,what?!  what the hell?!
ross,"all right, y’know what? if you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then i’m sorry, i’m just gonna have to take it back.",phoebe,what?! why?!
ross,"because! because, it-it-it’s… it’d be like you having this guitar  and-and never playing it. okay, this guitar wants to be played! and-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don’t ride it you-you’re-you’re killing its spirit!  the bike is dying.",phoebe,"all right. if you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay."
ross,great! great!  you’re making the bike very happy.,phoebe,okay ross! please don’t die!
joey,"oh yeah, sorry about that. mob mentality or whatever, i don’t know…  ending credits",phoebe,i can’t believe it! i did it! i rode a bike! i never thought i’d be able to do that! thank you ross.
ross,"oh hey, don’t thank me, thank yourself. you’re the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them.",phoebe,"don’t be so corny ross, it’s not an after-school special."
joey,am i psyched? the lead in my own tv series? i’ve dreamed about this for years! why have i not been preparing?!,phoebe,"no! joey, you’re going to be great!"
monica,i think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month.,phoebe,i’ll be waiting.
chandler,are you judging them by their covers? because you’re really not supposed to do that.,phoebe,"no, i’m just deciding which one to use—i’m gonna start writing another book!"
rachel,be-because the last one was such a big seller?,phoebe,"well, if you must know i have written 14 books. and as i am the only one who has read them, i can tell you that they all have been very well received."
ross,what are you guys doing later?,phoebe,"oh, rachel and i have appointments to get our hair cut."
rachel,we do?,phoebe,i want to see what he wants first.
ross,"oh god, thank you!  umm, uh, mr. stevens i’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is phoebe, monica, and chandler.",phoebe,"you’re elizabeth’s father, huh? i can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness."
monica,"y’know, it is so strange seeing ross here this time of day, ‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital.",phoebe,yeah. not looking for dates.
monica,why would the little girl creep you out?,phoebe,"you guys, i’m sorry, could you please talk a little slower?"
chandler,this is going in your book?,phoebe,"yeah, it’s about relationships. y’know? the traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. this stuff is great!"
monica,what?! excuse me!,phoebe,and how none of it matters when the people really love each other.  and how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it’s a compliment.
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey!
joey,"anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. yeah, he doesn’t like me. he had c.h.e.e.s.e. knock over the sandwich right when i was reaching for one! ohh!",phoebe,"well, why don’t you just get him fired?"
chandler,"yeah, you wish.",phoebe,you wish.
monica,"phoebe, stop writing about us!",phoebe,i’m not writing about you! i’m writing about other people.
chandler,who?,phoebe,marcia and chester.
chandler,oh.,phoebe,i see what you’re doing!
chandler,oh-oh.,phoebe,"ooh, i have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!"
monica,"yeah and if i had seven, maybe i would’ve said something like this, wow! my boyfriend’s such a wise ass—seven!",phoebe,hi!
monica,ugh!,phoebe,i know what time you said.
chandler,what?!,phoebe,"well actually, i know what time chester and marcia said."
monica,what time?,phoebe,"quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the rescue, huh?  ooh, very interesting. yeah, well this certainly clears things up."
chandler,what does it say?!,phoebe,i will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
chandler,"thank you for writing your book. its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.",phoebe,thanks! so are you.
chandler,i told you i should not wear this color.,phoebe,"mon…  marcia and chester are planning on seeing a movie on sunday night. marcia thinks they’re supposed to meet at six, chester thinks it’s at seven."
chandler,so you knew we were gonna miss the movie!,phoebe,that’s right.
monica,inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!,phoebe,marcia and chester are mad at phyllis.
joey,why wouldnt she? hes a wonderful person!,phoebe,hi.
monica,hey phoebe... how you doin? you feelin better?,phoebe,"breaking up sucks! oh, i really miss mike!"
chandler,"oh, im so sorry!",phoebe,"oh god, i tried everything to make myself feel better. i even tried writing a song about it... but... i cant think of anything that rhymes with aarrgghh!!  hey monica, i really need your help getting through this..."
chandler,youre not gonna need my help?,phoebe,"well no, when i get to the point where... you know... im ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about mike... im gonna come to you."
chandler,"oh good, cause ive already thought of 3... 4! ive just thought of a fourth",phoebe,"ok. i mean i know i did the right thing. you know, mike never wants to get married and i shouldnt be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon im gonna miss him so much. im gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that."
monica,"ok, you got it!",phoebe,"unless... maybe its too crazy about this... alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesnt mean we still cant have fun. you know what? forget what i said."
monica,really? if thats what you want...,phoebe,that was a test and you just failed.
ross,"youve really crossed the line here, but thats okay, its ok cause im on my way to buy some photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. thats right! your coming out is about to get real graphic.",phoebe,"god, i wish mike were here."
monica,"what are you, animals? its 4 oclock in the afternoon!",phoebe,"i gotta call him. just to talk to him, theres no harm in that."
monica,"phoebe, thats how it starts. i dont need to eat the cake, ill just smell the icing... why dont i just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. and next thing you know, youre 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. phoebe, honey, i know this is hard. look, if you talk to him, youre going to wanna see him. and if you see him, youre going to want to get back together with him. i know thats not what you want.  give me your phone.",phoebe,here.
monica,and now your cell.,phoebe,okay
monica,this is your cellphone?,phoebe,yes.
monica,this is your current cellphone?,phoebe,"yes, it reminds me of a simpler time."
monica,"no, no! give it to me!",phoebe,you cant have it.
monica,give it to me!,phoebe,no
monica,ill go in there.,phoebe,oh yeah.
monica,haha!,phoebe,damn you monica geller hyphen bing!
monica,haha!,phoebe,"you know, its a lot less surprising to do that after ive buzzed you into the building."
monica,"so phoebe, why are there mens shoes by the door.",phoebe,those are my shoes.
monica,"oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping.",phoebe,"monica, i really appreciate you checking in on me, but im actually feeling a lot better. yeah, i just kinda want to be alone right now."
monica,whos that?,phoebe,i ordered chinese food.
monica,phoebe!,phoebe,"im sorry, i broke down...  i wanted to see him."
monica,damnit phoebe! how did you even call him?,phoebe,there is a speakerphone on the base unit...
monica,"look, guys, you cant do this, its just going to make getting over each other, that much harder.",phoebe,not if nothing happens. why cant... why cant we just hang out as friends?
monica,"sure! if youre just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe ill join ya. you know, im your friend  and mikes friend .",phoebe,sit down.
mike,you look really beautiful.,phoebe,"thanks, you look good too."
monica,oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. keep it clean!,phoebe,so hows the piano playing going?
mike,actually ive been playing a lot of love songs lately. ive missed you.,phoebe,ive missed you too.
mike,"ive missed you so much! no, im not gonna ask you to get back together because i know we want different things, but just to be with you one more night.",phoebe,"i know, i want that too, but is that going to make it too hard?"
monica,"kiss him, you fool!!",phoebe,what?
monica,didnt you hear that speech? if you dont kiss him then i will!,phoebe,"oh, i missed you so much!"
mike,"oh, crap!",phoebe,who is this?
rachel,"ok, here we go. honey, im sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.",phoebe,"oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. you are not gonna believe this. i have just been discovered."
ross,"no. youre just gonna have to accept the fact that youre just friends now, ok, youre not... rommmates anymore.",phoebe,"oh!! oh i thought they were just watching me. you know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know."
chandler,"well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and i had a spare room.",phoebe,"now ok, i havent seen it yet so, if you dont like it, well, so what, none of you"
monica,"because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.",phoebe,"listen. you are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video."
eddie,"wha-, n-, no. i mean its just a bunch of pretty people runnin around on the beach, ya know.",phoebe,"uh, ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. ok, you guys, once more."
ross,question. why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?,phoebe,"yeah, i agree. ya know, i think fancy parties are only fun if youre fancy on the inside and im just not sure we are."
monica,"no. no you cant go. no this is fun. come on were just getting started. here, heres your marker.",phoebe,"shh. in a minute, im gonna create a diversion. when i do, walk quickly to the door and dont look back."
monica,"ok, the first persons most embarassing memory is, monica, your party sucks. very funny.",phoebe,"ok, ok, shes taking the trash out so i can get you out of here but it has to be now, shell be back any minute."
monica,"you, and you, youre supposed to be at my party. and gunther! what are you doing here?",phoebe,"alright, im sorry but these people needed me. they work hard all week, its saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. go."
mrs. greene,"alright, monica dear, im gonna hit the road. now ive left my 10 verbs on the table. and you be sure and send me that finished poem.",phoebe,"oh no, youre not supposed to be here. this is the staging area, you should, its"
chandler,"pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for monica? i can’t figure this out! it’s so hard! should i get her a  tiffany cut or a princess cut or a—ah-ah! paper cut!",phoebe,"now, have you told anyone else?"
chandler,"no, i don’t want to tell anybody else because i don’t want monica to find out.",phoebe,you told me.
chandler,"well, it’s because i trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when i was looking at ring brochures.",phoebe,"yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. i only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet."
chandler,hey.,phoebe,"hey! so chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?"
chandler,oh all right.,phoebe,"yeah, coffeehouse."
joey,"oh, i’m sorry. you wanna bite?",phoebe,so how are things going with paul?
rachel,"good. although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. y’know, i wish i could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.",phoebe,that’s easy! you just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open.
rachel,so what are you saying; i should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?,phoebe,no that’s what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.
rachel,hi!,phoebe,watch this.
rachel,okay.,phoebe,hi paul!
paul,hi phoebe.,phoebe,so how are things going with you?
ross,"hey pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and chandler blowing us off before?",phoebe,"yeah! that was so weird, huh?"
ross,"phoebe, why’d you do it?",phoebe,i didn’t do it! it was chandler! he’s… he’s mad at you!
ross,what?! why?!,phoebe,"please, i think you know why."
ross,i can’t think of anything.,phoebe,"come on ross, you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper."
ross,"wait a minute, is it because joey and i didn’t invite him to that knicks game a couple of weeks ago?",phoebe,do you think that’s something that he’d be mad at you for?
ross,i guess it could.,phoebe,well then i think that’s it.
ross,"well, if he’s angry, he really shouldn’t just cover it up. i-i wish he would just tell me the truth.",phoebe,"oh, if that’s what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table."
chandler,nothin! this is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and i can’t find the perfect ring!  ugly ring! ugly ring! ugly ring!  it’s a beautiful selection.,phoebe,"okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. maybe you-maybe you do something different. y’know? maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? or an engagement tiara? or—ooh! an engagement revolutionary war musket! (picks one up from the display in the corner."
chandler,"y’know, i’m so glad i picked you to help me with this.",phoebe,huh? can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?
chandler,"yeah, i’m gonna stick with the ring.  oh, this one’s nice!  i like this one! sir? uh, kind sir? can i see this one?",phoebe,"wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. okay? i know how to haggle. so let me handle this from here on out."
chandler,"uh-uh, yes. i would like to see that ring please.",phoebe,"or not, whatever."
chandler,"oh my god that’s it, that’s the ring! how much is it?",phoebe,"chandler, i-i will handle this!  how much is it?"
male jeweler,"8,600.",phoebe,we will give you $10.
male jeweler,"okay, i can let it go at eight.",phoebe,we stand firm at $10.
chandler,"uh, credit card.  oh no! no-no, but i left my credit card with joey.  okay, i’ll go get it. you guard the ring.",phoebe,"okay.  listen, i’m sorry about before. do you have anything her for $10."
male jeweler,"uh yes, i have these two rather beautiful $5 bills.",phoebe,i’ll give you $1 for them.
rachel,no you don’t!,phoebe,"okay umm, i’d also like to try on the tiara.  oh yeah. okay.   what do you think, too much?"
male jeweler,a tad.,phoebe,"okay. then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again.  something’s missing. it’s not… okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out."
female jeweler,i just sold it to that gentleman.,phoebe,oh my god!!  no! what?! help me! let me out! now!
joey,"come on! it’ll be fun! me, you, and ross, and… paul probably…",phoebe,"chandler, i found the perfect ring."
chandler,"oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but i’m gonna go with the one i picked first.",phoebe,"oh my god chandler, the one you picked is gone. it’s over!"
chandler,what?,phoebe,some guy bought it. i’m sorry. i tired to stop it but they  put me in jail!
chandler,they put you in jail?,phoebe,the little jail between the doors!
chandler,"phoebe, i asked you to guard the ring!",phoebe,"i know, i’m sorry! but y’know, this ring is better! monica never even saw the other ring."
chandler,yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring i got goose bumps.,phoebe,maybe it was the guy.
paul,that was…so good.,phoebe,hey.
chandler,i can’t believe i let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!,phoebe,it’s not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! it’s a beautiful ring!
chandler,"no, it’s not! when i looked at the other ring i could see monica’s face when i gave it to her, y’know? and i could see her saying yes. when i look at this ring, all i see is a ring! unless i look at it really closely and then i can see my own eye.  look, this is the most important thing i’m gonna do in my life. i wanna make sure it’s perfect.",phoebe,okay. there may be a way that we can get the other ring back. ‘cause i heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. so maybe we can get him to trade rings or something.
chandler,i can’t do that.,phoebe,well you certainly can’t give her that stupid gumball ring.
chandler,okay and he hasn’t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.,phoebe,"wow! you’re good! after this, we should solve crimes."
chandler,"yeah! okay, go, go, go get him.",phoebe,"oh, okay.  excuse me sir? could you come with me please? you have a phone call."
customer,who is it?,phoebe,it is your office.
customer,do you know who at my office?,phoebe,john?
customer,oh john! great!,phoebe,here he is.
chandler,"hi! hi. okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you’re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. so, i’m gonna need to have that back.  but, in exchange i’m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring.  ew.",phoebe,wow! i would trade.
chandler,no-no! this is my fiancee  and her heart was set on that ring. you don’t want to break her heart now do you?,phoebe,"yeah, do you want to break a dying woman’s heart?"
chandler,"yeah, she’s dying… of a cough apparently.",phoebe,"yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. see, if i’m not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity…"
rachel,nice! one and a half carat easy.,phoebe,hi.
ross,hey-hey pheebs!,phoebe,what?
ross,chandler’s gonna ask monica to marry him!,phoebe,"oh i know, i helped pick out the ring."
chandler,"oh thats not bad, pheebs?",phoebe,"oh, i got tired of naming states. so i decided to list the types of"
monica,"now you think i wouldnt enjoy that, because it is so fake,  but i still do.",phoebe,"regular celery!  oh, i already have that."
joey,"dont worry, chandler, its not a globe of the united states.",phoebe,hey you guys im gonna go out and take a walk.
ross,"phoebe, why is your bag moving?",phoebe,"oh, its not!"
joey,what the hell is in there?,phoebe,its just my knitting thats all!  yes! i knit this. im very good.
monica,"we left joey alone with the food!  yep! yep, i knew it! there he is... feeding stuffing to a dog!",phoebe,hi geller-bing residence. how can i help?
monica,"phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?",phoebe,"im sorry, whos this?"
chandler,"tell her, im allergic, and i will sue!",phoebe,"no, theres no dog here?"
monica,ill be right there!,phoebe,theyre here already? how are they doing this?
monica,"phoebe! phoebe, open up!",phoebe,theres no dog in here.
chandler,"phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!",phoebe,"no thats just me coughing!  oh, good, there you are! listen, um, i have a dog in my room."
chandler,what is it doing here?,phoebe,"well, im watching it for some friends who went out of town. wait.  hello, my name is clunkers. may i please stay with you nice people?"
chandler,"extremely allergic, okay? if im anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!",phoebe,"thats odd, cause this dogs been living here for the past 3 days"
all,what?,phoebe,are you crazy?
ross,are you out of your mind?,phoebe,why?
joey,"look, chandler, i told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. its like ross not likin’ ice cream.",phoebe,you dont like ice cream?
ross,"damn, i forgot you were here.",phoebe,all right. were gonna take clunkers to ross’s. well be back in a minute.
rachel,"when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?",phoebe,"oh, id say about a month."
monica,"okay phoebe, we should probably go back now.",phoebe,"please dont leave me, ill be lonely."
monica,stop it. stop! okay lets go. we can be strong.,phoebe,"yeah, okay."
monica,"oh my god! did you hear that? she said monica!  oooh, i cant leave her!",phoebe,"you know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and chandler wouldnt even know."
monica,thats not gonna work.,phoebe,ive had that dog there for three days and chandler had no idea. hes not so smart.
monica,hey! i didnt know either.,phoebe,"yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didnt you?"
monica,"yeah, i knew.",phoebe,wheres chandler?
chandler,here i am.,phoebe,wash your hands!!!
ross,"hey look, phoebe. i, uh, i laid out the states geographically...",phoebe,"no, no, we dont really have time for this right now. okay, we have to keep chandler away from my bedroom."
ross,"yeah, but, but look what im...",phoebe,"see, this is exactly what we do not have time for."
joey,"if you said it like that, you probably did, yeah.",phoebe,"hey, is chandler here?"
chandler,"no, no he went for a walk.",phoebe,"okay, but you cannot tell him... but look whose back!"
joey,oh no-no-no-no-no-no-no! he went over to ross to bring the dog back here!,phoebe,"oh no, the dogs not going to be there!"
monica,"what? why, why would...",phoebe,"shh, wait and see. maybe we will, maybe we wont."
chandler,"okay, i went over to ross apartment to bring back clunkers. y’know, for you, and… i left the door open and she must have gotten out and i looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which fyi ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. i couldnt find him, and i am so, so, so, sorry. but i do know where we could all go ease the pain.",phoebe,"we have good news, look whose back!"
monica,"thats right, she came back all by herself.",phoebe,its a thanksgiving miracle!
chandler,it is so good to see you!,phoebe,"yeah, she came all the way back from ross building. oh, the things she must have seen! and then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in… i went to far, didnt i? when should i have stopped?"
joey,"that was a good one. for a second there, i was like, whoa.",phoebe,you name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
ross,well give you janice.,phoebe,"i miss janice though. hello, chandler bing."
mr. treeger,you never know.,phoebe,"ok, its very faint, but i can still sense him in the building. go into the light, mr. heckles!"
chandler,"ok, phoebe.",phoebe,"im sorry, but sometimes they need help. thats fine. go ahead and scoff. you know, therere a lot of things that i dont believe in, but that doesnt mean theyre not true."
joey,such as?,phoebe,"like crop circles, or the bermuda triangle, or evolution?"
ross,"whoa, whoa, whoa. what, you dont, uh, you dont believe in evolution?",phoebe,nah. not really.
ross,you dont believe in evolution?,phoebe,"i dont know, its just, you know...monkeys, darwin, you know, its a, its a nice story, i just think its a little too easy."
ross,"too easy? too...the process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?",phoebe,"yeah, i just dont buy it."
ross,"uh, excuse me. evolution is not for you to buy, phoebe. evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.",phoebe,"ok, dont get me started on gravity."
ross,"you uh, you dont believe in gravity?",phoebe,"well, its not so much that you know, like i dont believe in it, you know, its just...i dont know, lately i get the feeling that im not so much being pulled down as i am being pushed."
ross,how can you not believe in evolution?,phoebe,just dont. look at this funky shirt!
ross,"pheebs, i have studied evolution my entire adult life. ok, i can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? you can literally see them evolving through time.",phoebe,really? you can actually see it?
ross,"you bet. in the u.s., china, africa, all over.",phoebe,"see, i didnt know that."
ross,"well, there you go.",phoebe,"huh. so now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?"
ross,"ok, pheebs. see how im making these little toys move? opposable thumbs. without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?",phoebe,maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
ross,please tell me youre joking.,phoebe,"look, cant we just say that you believe in something, and i dont."
ross,"no, no, pheebs, we cant, ok, because--",phoebe,"what is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? no, whats that all about? i think, i think maybe its time you put ross under the microscope."
chandler,"wow, he looks so normal.",phoebe,hes even kind of cute.
chandler,"wow, heckles was voted class clown, and so was i. he was right. would you listen to that?",phoebe,id call that excessive.
janice,"oh, my, god.",phoebe,janice? you called janice?
rachel,"well, then, youll just have to eat the other lamps.",phoebe,uh-oh. its scary scientist man.
ross,"ok, phoebe, this is it. in this briefcase i carry actual scientific facts. a briefcase of facts, if you will. some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.",phoebe,"ok, look, before you even start, im not denying evolution, ok, im just saying that its one of the possibilities."
ross,"its the only possibility, phoebe.",phoebe,"ok, ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? wasnt there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? and, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you cant admit that theres a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?"
ross,"there might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.",phoebe,i cant believe you caved.
ross,what?,phoebe,"you just abandoned your whole belief system. i mean, before, i didnt agree with you, but at least i respected you. how, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? how, how are you going to face the other science guys? how, how are you going to face yourself? oh! that was fun. so whos hungry?"
monica,"phoebe, tell her!",phoebe,"ok, i didnt see it, because i was putting on my jacket, but i uh want to believe you."
chandler,"janice was my safety net, ok? and now i have to get a snake.",phoebe,uh huh. why is that?
rachel,yeah. youre not gonna end up alone.,phoebe,"chandler, you called janice! thats how much you wanted to be with someone!"
monica,you made it!,phoebe,youre there!
mike,this is nice.,phoebe,i know!
mike,you need both hands for that?,phoebe,"yeah, i kinda do.  well, hows this?"
joey,"aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious?  have you not talked about it yet?  am i making you uncomfortable?  if you were bigger youd hit me, huh...? aaaaaahhhhhh",phoebe,im sorry... im sorry. its obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation.
mike,is it?,phoebe,"maybe not, is it?"
mike,"okay, when i got divorced, i didnt think id feel this way about someone for a really long time... then again, i didnt think id meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... i want you to have this...  no, not... thats gum.  ooh, five bucks... i love it when that happens, you know... think no notes there...",phoebe,"i know mike, why dont you keep digging?"
mike,"oh, sorry.",phoebe,"oh, its a key. to be honest, i think id prefer the five dollars."
mike,its to my apartment.,phoebe,"oh wow, ooh! ooh, big step for phoebe and mike."
mike,"yeah, look, and i dont want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because...",phoebe,"oh no, i want to."
mike,"oh, thank god.",phoebe,"yeah... ooh... wow... even started to think id never meet someone that, you know, i wanted to... do this with. here you go."
mike,"is this cool, huh?",phoebe,it really is.
ross,and shes a little mannish...,phoebe,oh my god! david!
david,hi! i-i-is this a bad time?,phoebe,"no! its a great time, come in...! wow, hi... oh my gosh! what are you doing here? are you back from minsk?"
david,"well, just for a couple of days, uhm... im here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why its a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.",phoebe,"who cares, it got you here."
david,"well, it got me to new york anyway, and then i got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and i just... gave him your address i... i... i didnt even think about it.",phoebe,wow. where is your luggage?
david,damn it!,phoebe,"a-allright, well... ill call the cab company."
means uhm... this thing that im looking at,wow!,phoebe,"thank you! god, no! you should see me when... oh actually, no, i look pretty good."
you start thinking about,"come on, dont be crazy. nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are.  well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone?",phoebe,no...
monica,maybe he didnt give you a chance.,phoebe,he said: are you seeing someone? and i said no...
monica,"oh, well... that had been your window.",phoebe,"yeah! i mean, i dont know. i was just , i was looking,"
monica,really? the scientist guy?,phoebe,really? chandler?
monica,continue...,phoebe,"oh.okay, then it gets worse, cause then i told him that i would see him tomorrow night."
monica,phoebe!,phoebe,"i know!  evil! and... and... and... i like mike so much, you know. its just going really well. oh my god!"
monica,"wow, isnt it ironic that david would show up on the same day that you and mike exchange keys?",phoebe,"uhuh... yeah...!, you know. and given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy i am."
monica,what are you gonna do?,phoebe,"i mean i guess, i just have to... tell david that nothing can happen between us. unless i dont... you know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong..."
monica,you have to tell david!,phoebe,"okay, i knew i should have had this conversation with joey."
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey!
chandler,and dont get me started on the way that people from tulsa talk.,phoebe,okay.
chandler,were you there?,phoebe,"no, but it sounds like it was fricken funny..."
david,"wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday.",phoebe,oof...
david,"in fact, ehm... i going to kiss you now.",phoebe,"oh, wait, wait!"
david,"yeah, i-i dont, i cant get away with stuff like that. i-i-it sounded sexy in my head, so i...",phoebe,"no, no, its not that. uhm... remember when you asked me if i was seeing someone and i said no? well, uhm... i am. his ... his name is mike."
david,oh... oh...,phoebe,"yeah, i should have told you."
david,"no... well, yeah.",phoebe,"im sorry, im sorry."
david,"well, i-its okay. i-i-i understand... well, s... well, are you happy with this guy?",phoebe,i am happy.
david,"damn it! i-im sorry. i-i dont mean that. i-i want you to be happy... but only with me. no, uhm... thats not fair. uh, who cares, leave him!. oh, i dont mean that. yes i do... im sorry uhm, i... i think i should probably uhm... go...",phoebe,"well... but david, just... i just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do."
david,well... just so you know... hearing it wasnt exactly a vladnik carnival either... can we at least hug goodbye?,phoebe,"of course, yeah. you know, a kiss on the cheek wouldnt be totally inappropriate..."
david,no... no...,phoebe,i mean...
david,in minsk...,phoebe,yeah?
david,...its uhm... i-its two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips.,phoebe,"well, if thats what they do in minsk...  in new york... its..."
rachel,"okay, what? what is too sensitive?",phoebe,"hmmm... no, no... no, i cant do this. its bad."
david,"but... i-i-its nice... a-a-and... nice is good. a-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing.",phoebe,"no, no. no."
david,but... ergo...,phoebe,"look david, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, wed probably still be together right now, but... you did leave, and i-im with mike and i really care about him..."
mike,"well... hey, the key works...!",phoebe,and you thanks for the face massage. thank you.
mike,so... how many guys have your key?,phoebe,"no, no, no, no, no... its not... its not... its not as bad as it looks... really. i was just saying goodbye to an old friend."
david,"oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.",phoebe,"no, uhm... david and i did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in minsk. hes only... hes only in town for a couple of days."
mike,did you uhm...,phoebe,"no, no..."
mike,...kiss him?,phoebe,"oh, well, yeah..."
mike,well... ill... just show you what im gonna do about it...,phoebe,"stop it! stop it, before someone gets really hurt!  here david, you should just go."
david,"really? well, if you do, come in the spring. its just lovely there.",phoebe,"okay, well... guys?"
david,"right-o, right-o...  take good care of her.",phoebe,"im sorry, im so sorry. if you... if you want your key back, i totally understand."
mike,its never gonna happen again right?,phoebe,right! never! never! i swear!
joey,"the reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it!",phoebe,you’ve got to get out of here! save yourself!
joey,no! i won’t leave you!,phoebe,"don’t worry about me, i’m a robot! i’m just a machine!!"
joey,no you’re not! not to me!,phoebe,oh my god.
joey,what?,phoebe,i am extremely talented!
joey,"yeah, you’re great! okay, let’s take it from…",phoebe,"no, i mean i was really acting my ass off."
joey,"yeah, i thought i was pretty good too.",phoebe,"oh yeah, you’re solid. yeah, you’re just no me."
joey,y’know what? i think that’s enough for now. yeah. i don’t want to be over rehearsed.,phoebe,fine! i’ll do it without you!  i don’t need you or anybody else! i’m gonna make it on my own!  you’ll see!! you’ll all see!!
joey,i mean come on you guys! my own tv show? i just don’t know if i’m good enough.,phoebe,i am.
joey,"all right well, i’m outta here. wish me luck.",phoebe,gooood luck! gooood luck! we all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
monica,"well, what happened?",phoebe,"well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until..."
ross,oh my god!,phoebe,and all of the sudden his hands werent the problem anymore.
monica,was it...,phoebe,"oh, boy scouts couldve camped under it!"
chandler,"you know he coulda gotten me a vcr, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! the eyesore from the liberace house of crap!",phoebe,its not that bad.
chandler,"oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you dont have to walk around",phoebe,"chandler, chandler."
monica,did you just flick me?,phoebe,"oh! all right. now, lets not do this!"
monica and rachel,ow! ow! ow!,phoebe,i know! i know! i know!
monica,fine!,phoebe,"there we go.you know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches."
joey,"come on c.h.e.e.s.e., i’m not leaving without you! try routing your backup source through your primary cpu.",phoebe,i can’t! my circuits are fried! they’re fried i tell you!!
ross,"there was just an explosion, okay? my hearing would be impaired.",phoebe,"i thought you were excellent! in fact for a minute there i was like, ooh, where’d ross go?"
ross,thank you! and i have to say that first scene when you meet mac…,phoebe,yeah?
joey,y’know what? i think that’s enough for today. thanks for your help!,phoebe,he’s holding us back.
ross,"oh, that’s right! he called to ask out monica! that-that’s gotta be embarrassing!",phoebe,"...dumb, drunken, bitch!!! thank you, thanks."
chandler,"stunning entertainment center. fine,  fine italian craftsmanship.",phoebe,"oh my god, you guys are selling the entertainment center?"
chandler,i can’t believe you don’t know what i do for a living!,phoebe,"yeah, i actually don’t know..."
rachel,something to do with numbers?,phoebe,"oh my god! no! shoo! kitty! no! no-no-no! shoo! come on, you!  come on. crazy.  oh my god."
rachel,what?,phoebe,nothing. nothing.
joey,what? what’s wrong?,phoebe,"i just, i just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my mother."
rachel,you mean the mom you met in montauk. she was a cat?!,phoebe,"no, no-no, she was a human lady. this is the spirit of my mom lily, the one who killed herself."
ross,"are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma’s glycoma medicine again?",phoebe,"no dr. skeptismo! i’m sure. first of all, okay, there’s the feeling.  okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt.  my mother’s favourite fish is orange roughy...  cats....like....fish!   hi, mommy.  oh, i haven’t seen this smile in 17 years!"
chandler,"yes, joey has a very careful screening process. apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.",phoebe,"stop it! stop it! she keeps squirming, trying to get away! just like when she was alive."
ross,"so pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us?",phoebe,"well, i’m not sure. i mean, i guess until she yknow, gets used to the fact that there’s yknow, a new mom. yknow, i think she’s worried that yknow, she’s gonna, she’s gonna be replaced.  well, that’s not gonna happen is it? noo.  okay, i have to return a call in the other room."
monica,why can’t you use the phone in here?,phoebe,"well, i’m returning a call from a certain mom at the b-e-a-c-h. i just spelled the wrong word."
chandler,"oh-no, he’s right.",phoebe,hi.
joey,"uh, pheebs, about your mom...",phoebe,yeah?
joey,how’s that going?,phoebe,"so great. oh, we took a nap today and my mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred."
rachel,pheebs...,phoebe,"i just feel so, uhh....."
rachel,wow! they really got you guys. your t.v. the chairs.,phoebe,"oh yeah, your microwave. the stereo."
ross,"you didn’t tell her?!  okay, fine! pheebs?",phoebe,yeah?  hi!
monica,"hey, we can take her back with you if you want.",phoebe,"ohh. um-hmm. but yknow, she choose to find me. i mean, i have to respect her decision. right?"
ross,"no! no! look—hey, enough is enough! look, i am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. this is a cat! okay, julio the cat! not mom! cat!",phoebe,"ross, how many parents have you lost?"
ross,none.,phoebe,"okay, then you don’t know what it feels like when one of them comes back. do you? i believe this is my mother. even if i’m wrong, who cares? just be a friend. okay? be supportive."
ross,i’m sorry.,phoebe,okay.
rachel,you could.... say you’re sorry to her mom.,phoebe,i think she would like that.
ross,"come here, here, come here, come here,  mrs. buffay. sorry, about what i said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. when clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend’s mother.",phoebe,thank you. we both forgive you.
rachel,"so honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl?",phoebe,"yeah, okay, listen, umm, mom, i hope you know you still mean a lot to me. and you’re welcome to come back anytime."
chandler,"pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we’d really appreciate it.",phoebe,"come on, mom, i’ll take you home."
chandler,i feel violated. and not in a good way.,phoebe,"how can people do that?...  oh, you guys, look! ugly naked guy got gravity boots!"
monica,i cant believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.,phoebe,"oh, god, just do it!  call her! stop being so testosteroney!"
chandler,"no, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.",phoebe,"so, uh, why didnt you say anything?"
ross,"okay, okay, whats going on?",phoebe,"okay, theyre just talking..."
ross,"yeah, well, does he look upset? does he look like he was just told to shove anything?",phoebe,"no, no actually, hes smiling.. and... oh my god, dont do that!!"
ross,what? what? what?!,phoebe,that man across the street just kicked that pigeon!  oh!
rachel,"yknow, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. he took me to lunch at the russian tea room, and i had that chicken, where yknow you poke it and all the butter squirts out...",phoebe,not a good day for birds...
monica,"look look! hes doing it again, the guy with the telescope!",phoebe,oh my god!  go away!  stop looking in here!
joey,"will you grow up? im not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when im cooking naked.",phoebe,you cook naked?
joey,maybe she never got your message.,phoebe,"yknow, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didnt get her messages yet."
chandler,"ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.",phoebe,how many beeps?
all,hey! hi!,phoebe,howd he take it?
ross,you-you had what?,phoebe,sex in his chair.
ross,"its, its, its, uh, a totally diferent situation! its, its apples and oranges, its, its orthodontists and lesbi- i gotta go.",phoebe,where are you going?
ross,heating device.,phoebe,radiator.
ross,five letters.,phoebe,rdtor.
joey,"all right, ill give you this, mr. peanut is a better dresser. i mean hes got the monocle, hes got the top hat...",phoebe,you know hes gay?
all,bye.,phoebe,whoo-hoo!
joey,"a little uh, good deed for pbs and a little tv exposure, now thats the kind of math joey likes to do!",phoebe,"ugh, pbs!"
monica,whats wrong with pbs?,phoebe,"ugh, whats right with them?"
joey,"why don’t you like pbs, pheebs?",phoebe,"okay, cause right after my mom killed herself, i was just in this really bad place, yknow personally. so, i just thought that itd make me feel better if i wrote to sesame street, cause they were so nice when i was a little kid! no one ever wrote back."
chandler,well yknow a lot of those muppets dont have thumbs.,phoebe,all i got was a lousy key chain! and by that time i was living in a box. i didnt have keys!
joey,"im sorry pheebs, i just, yknow, i just wanted to do a good deed. like-like you did with the babies.",phoebe,"this isnt a good deed, you just wanted to get on tv! this is totally selfish."
joey,"whoa! whoa! whoa! what about you, having those babies for your brother? talk about selfish!",phoebe,what-what are you talking about?!
joey,"well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right?",phoebe,yeah. so?
joey,"it made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. look, theres no unselfish good deeds, sorry.",phoebe,yes there are! there are totally good deeds that are selfless.
joey,"well, may i ask for one example?",phoebe,"yeah, its… yknow theres—no you may not!"
joey,thats because all people are selfish.,phoebe,are you calling me selfish?!
joey,"are you calling you people?  yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, pheebs, but selfless good deeds dont exist. okay? and you the deal on santa clause right?",phoebe,"im gonna find a selfless good dead. im gonna beat you, you evil genius."
all,yay!,phoebe,"hey, joey, when you said the deal with santa clause, you meant?"
joey,that he doesnt exist.,phoebe,right.
stage director,"well, heres your phone doctor.",phoebe,"i cannot believe i cant find a selfless good deed! yknow that old guy that lives next to me? well, i snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. but he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. then i felt wonderful. that old jackass!"
rachel,maybe joeys right. maybe all good deeds are selfish.,phoebe,i will find a selfless good deed! cause i just gave birth to three children and i will not let them be raised in a world where joey is right!
chandler,yes!,phoebe,ooh-ohh!
ross,no-no-no! only if i promise never to see rachel again.,phoebe,why?
monica,"yeah! but, he cant not exactly see emily, i mean thats his wife.",phoebe,yeah.
chandler,thats true!,phoebe,"yeah, but youve known rachel since high school and you cannot just cut her out of your life."
joey,pbs telethon.,phoebe,"hey joey, i just wanted to let you know that i found a selfless good deed. i just went down to the park and i let a bee sting me."
joey,what?! what good is that gonna do anybody?,phoebe,"well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. the bee is happy and i am definitely not."
joey,"now, yknow the bee probably died after he stung ya.",phoebe,"aw, dammit!"
monica,"a magic eight ball?! you cant be serious, you cant make this decision with a toy!",phoebe,"ooh, its not a toy."
joey,pbs telethon.,phoebe,hi joey.
joey,hey pheebs!,phoebe,i would like to make a pledge. i would like to donate $200.
joey,"$200? are you sure pheebs? i mean, after what sesame street did to ya?",phoebe,"oh, im still mad at them but i also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids whos moms didnt kill themselves, so by supporting them, im doing a good thing, but im not happy about it. so there, a selfless good deed."
joey,and you dont a little good about donating the money?,phoebe,"no, it sucks. i was saving up to buy a hamster."
joey,"a hamster? what, those things are like 10 bucks.",phoebe,"yeah, not the one i had my eye on."
gary collins,"it looks like we have surpassed last years pledge total! thank you viewers! the pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers… oh boy! and may i say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers,  mr. joseph tribbiani!",phoebe,"oh, look-look, joeys on tv! isnt that great? my pledge got joey on tv! oh that makes me feel—oh no!"
chandler,so did monica tell you about this great band called the swing kings that we’re trying to get to play at the wedding?,phoebe,since when are you into swing music?
monica,"no, i’ll do it. you just stick to your job.",phoebe,what is your job?
ross,"oh no-no, after you.   oh my god!",phoebe,am i crazy or does this totally go?!
rachel,oh my god! you look so beautiful!,phoebe,"thank you rachel but, look at monica!"
megan,"oh, you’re so lucky. my fiancee wants the heavy metal band carcass.",phoebe,"ooh, is that spelled with a ‘c’ or a ‘k’? oh my god! it doesn’t matter; they’re both great!"
rachel,okay.,phoebe,got it.
a woman,let’s go!!,phoebe,hey! rachel! come on!!!!
monica,maybe i do! i’m pretty feisty!,phoebe,i’m coming! i’m coming!
woman,hey!,phoebe,okay!  hey!  what do i do?!!  what are you doing?  did you find the dress?
rachel,no! you gotta get me out of here phoebe! these bargain shoppers are crazy!,phoebe,i—we gotta get monica.
rachel,no! you gotta hold my hand!!,phoebe,oh my god!! excuse me! excuse me!
monica,oh…,phoebe,i know. hand me a tissue.
monica,hello?  what?!  you what?!  hey you listen here missy!  wh—,phoebe,what?!
monica,that was that girl megan! she booked the swing kings on the day of our wedding and said that i couldn’t have them back unless i gave her the dress!,phoebe,does that mean carcass is available?
monica,what am i gonna do?! that is the dress! that is the dress! wh…chandler wants the band. what do i do?,phoebe,well just figure out a way to talk him out of it.
chandler,joey got meat sauce on the banister again!,phoebe,"yeah, swing music is so out."
chandler,but i love swing music!,phoebe,yeah but the swing kings? y’know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts—they just stop living.
rachel,yeah! it’s weird. but the thing is need to find a date.,phoebe,"well, what kind of guy are you looking for?"
chandler,isn’t she cute?  no!,phoebe,"y’know, this is probably none of my business, but weren’t you guys supposed to not be seen in public together?"
ross,"oh no-no-no, we’re just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house.",phoebe,"oh, sly."
ross,"thanks. i know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. just knowing that you guys are…",phoebe,"okay, i got a good one. okay, umm, what is she? like 12?"
chandler,yeah. do we have any fruit roll-ups?,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,"okay, i just thought of the perfect guy for rachel to take to her thing."
chandler,oh that’s so funny because we found someone too.,phoebe,"oh that’s good, i guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo."
chandler,why would our guy be a weirdo?,phoebe,‘cause that’s just your taste.
monica,rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy.,phoebe,oh yeah?
monica,yeah!,phoebe,"my guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. and, he has one of these"
chandler,a face ass?,phoebe,a chin dimple!
monica,"well, uh y’know, our guy works with chandler and he’s really nice and smart and he’s a great dresser!",phoebe,have you seen your guy’s body?
chandler,"no, our guy is just a floating head.",phoebe,"well my guy is spectacular. okay? he’s a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, i looked at it. and i mean all of it."
monica,you’re not supposed to look!,phoebe,"oh yeah, like there are police for that!"
chandler,wait! you look? you-you massaged me.,phoebe,i know.
monica,"all right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny.",phoebe,"oh, chandler funny?"
monica,our guy’s a great dancer!,phoebe,my guy is well read.
chandler,our guy has great hair.,phoebe,my guy has great teeth!
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey!
ross,"hey, y’know what? not all spring breaks are like that.",phoebe,what did you do on yours?
rachel,oh yes! thank you!,phoebe,"rachel, what the hell is this?!"
rachel,what?,phoebe,you ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own!
monica,yes! we found you a really cute and funny guy from chandler’s work!,phoebe,yeah and i-i found you one too who is not a weirdo.
sebastian,sure.,phoebe,"so, sebastian, do you do any volunteer work?"
sebastian,"uh, no not really. why?",phoebe,"no reason, it’s just i know a single guy that cares about other people."
sebastian,"look, i just wanted to have coffee with rachel.",phoebe,"well, so do a lot of people."
chandler,"yeah, but sebastian? what is that? a cat’s name?",phoebe,"yeah, y’know what i noticed rachel? he scares easy. is that the kind of guy you’d like to take to a ball? hey sebastian, would you like to dance?  uhh, okay—i gotta go!"
monica,"all right guys stop it. rachel, we’re very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. and y’know what? let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you.",phoebe,yeah! what have you got to lose? y’know you might even end up with someone really special  if you pick my guy.
joey,"pheebs! there you are! okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!",phoebe,okay sure!
joey,really?!,phoebe,"ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions."
joey,call it even?,phoebe,okay.
ross,"okay, she can’t go.",phoebe,"ross, you can’t tell her not to go. you just started dating."
ross,then what am i supposed to do?,phoebe,"nothing, you just have to be cool with it."
monica,okay! okay! we can take a hint!   what are you doing here?!,phoebe,this is patrick.
chandler,"hi.  okay, you’re too late okay? because she’s already with our guy.",phoebe,"oh my god, you’re right! i am too late; they’re sitting on the couch and talking!  come on!  rachel?"
rachel,yeah?,phoebe,this is patrick.
patrick,hi.,phoebe,"yeah, this is the guy i was telling you about."
rachel,yeah?,phoebe,"yeah. and believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it."
rachel,"oh-okay, but pheebs?",phoebe,yeah?
rachel,i’m just sort of in the middle of something.,phoebe,"oh! okay! yeah, that’s okay.  have a seat."
rachel,"yeah, i’m good.",phoebe,rachel? patrick is really rich.  give her some money.
rachel,no-no! don’t dance for me! please? don’t!  what is the matter with you guys?,phoebe,"yeah, okay, let’s talk it out."
rachel,"i’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! it’s you guys! come on! this is ridiculous! thank you very much, but i do not need you to get me a date!",phoebe,then why did she ask us to…
ross,call me! ending credits,phoebe,"rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you."
rachel,huh. all right.,phoebe,"oh my god, look! that’s elizabeth!"
joey,"yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out ok.",phoebe,"i can see that, cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin."
chandler,"you know i think he will be surprised, till he realizes hes a monkey, and uh, you know, isnt capable of that emotion.",phoebe,"oh, oh, ok, so everyone, pretend like im telling you a story, ok. and, and its really funny. so everyone just laugh, now."
rob,"anyway, i schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and i was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?",phoebe,"oh, i would love to have kids. . . youre, youre the, youre, me play the songs that i will write for them."
chandler,"hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see joey through the magical box in her living room doesnt mean shes not a person. i mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? whatre you lookin at me for? hes the one who wants to boff the maniac.",phoebe,"no, uh-uh, im just, im nervous. so, you know what, maybe if i just, if i picture them all in their underwear."
janitor,"word on the street - well, when i say street, i mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.",phoebe,today were gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
rob,the library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.,phoebe,"no. what do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?"
monica,"oh, ill have an espresso. oh acutally, ill get it. if i ask you to, youll probably end up drinking it yourself.",phoebe,"i know. oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with van damme."
rachel,you want me to just call him up and tell him that youre seeing him instead? thats what you want?,phoebe,"there we go.you know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches."
rachel,"oh yeah. well, at least i wasnt too chicken to tell some guy i thought he was cute.",phoebe,"oh alright, stop, stop the madness. this is crazy. who can even remember why this even started in the first place?"
ross,"bye marcel. see ya on the big screen. you keep people drinkin that beer, ok. i miss you buddy.",phoebe,"yeah. oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. hey, chandler, can i borrow your g-string?"
the guys,yes! yes! yes! yes! awww!,phoebe,"hey, it’s your thanksgiving too, yknow, instead of watching football, you could help."
monica,every year.,phoebe,"yknow, for once, i am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. ."
rachel,oh! that would be sooo much fun!,phoebe,"oh, can i play too? i’ve never played football, like ever."
chandler,"yeah, all right, i’ll play.",phoebe,yay!!
chandler,and then tineals.,phoebe,"okay, so how do we decide that?"
joey,"all right, huddle up, right over here.",phoebe,"wait for me! wait for me! wait for me! oh cool, this is my first huddle."
monica,okay.,phoebe,"okay, so what do you guys really think of chandler?"
monica,"okay, phoebe you know what you’re doing right?",phoebe,yeah.
monica,"okay, joey’s gonna catch it, and you and i are gonna block.",phoebe,what’s block?
monica,"phoebe, i thought you said you know what you’re doing?",phoebe,i thought you meant in life.
joey,i got it.,phoebe,go! go! go!
monica,"all right, come on guys, let’s go! tie score, and we’re runnin’ out of time. forty-two!! thirty-eight!! hike!",phoebe,oh i got it!!  oh! ew! broken boob! ow!
monica,"run, phoebe, run!",phoebe,touchdown!! touchdown!!
all,yes!!,phoebe,"well, okay, i made a touchdown. it was my first touchdown. so?"
ross,"cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.",phoebe,oh my god!
ross,"ow! ow! okay, okay, fine, fine! all right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.",phoebe,woo-yay!!
ross,"okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.",phoebe,i love this game!!
monica,"we have to do this. we are playing for women everywhere. okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the tv while you’re making out...",phoebe,oh my god! you dated someone with a glass eye too?!
rachel,yeah!!! kill ‘um!!!,phoebe,"all right, no, well i want to kill them to, but their boys, yknow how are we gonna beat three boys?"
rachel,"god, i’m not lame, okay. i can do something. i can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.",phoebe,"come on mon, let her throw the ball."
monica,come on! come on! hurry! we’re running out of time! huddle up!,phoebe,"okay. oooh! oh, this is our last huddle, yeah."
chandler,"hey-hey-hey rachel, funny thing. actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you’re five feet short, so we win!",phoebe,"wait-wait-wait-wait! so, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged rachel, then isn’t the play still going."
rachel,we should defiantly play football more often. maybe there’s a like league we could join or something.,phoebe,isn’t there a national football league.
rachel,oh shoot! i work monday nights.,phoebe,"umm, this stuffing is amazing. do you think we should bring them some?"
chandler,"we’re going to everest! okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on everest!",phoebe,hey!
joey,hey!,phoebe,what-what’s up?
chandler,yeah baby!,phoebe,"really?! i looked into that. yeah, but, i mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. and, you would die!"
chandler,"oh, well…",phoebe,so you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me?
joey,"hey, pretty smart! tissue paper! you’re at the wedding, you have to cry, handkerchief? no-no, i got my invitation.",phoebe,"oooh look! isn’t this adorable, ross let ben address mine!"
monica,hey!,phoebe,"hey! hey, did you get your invitation to ross’s wedding?"
joey,"don’t worry man, i get to bring a guest. we’ll show him.",phoebe,i’m so jealous you’re all going! i can’t believe i never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester!
rachel,oh...  oh my god. he remembered.,phoebe,remembered what?
rachel,"it was like months ago. we were walking by this antique store, and i saw this pin in the window, and i told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when i was a little girl. oh! i cant believe he remembered!",phoebe,"oh, its so pretty. this must have cost him a fortune."
ross,"yeah, well.",phoebe,"see, hes her lobster."
chandler,"hey, all right!",phoebe,hey!
ross,"oh no, not yet.",phoebe,i still cannot believe you’re engaged! just ‘cause its happening so fast; not ‘cause you’re such a loser.
ross,"yeah—oh! hey listen umm, emily found this wedding dress in london…",phoebe,already?!
monica,oh my god! ohh! look at this one! it’s so beautiful!,phoebe,"yeah, but y’know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced."
monica,okay.,phoebe,you’re the most beautiful bride i’ve ever seen.
monica,"oh. thank you. ohhh, thank you very much. oh, thank you for coming.  uh, just a second!",phoebe,"no-no, let me in!"
monica,phoebe?,phoebe,yeah!
monica,can you just hold on for one minute?,phoebe,"no, you have to let me in right now!!"
monica,are you alone?,phoebe,yes!
monica,"okay, ready?",phoebe,yeah.
monica,okay.,phoebe,i got it! mine!
monica,congratulations!,phoebe,thank you!
monica,okay! my turn! my turn!,phoebe,"okay!  okay, ready?"
monica,yeah.,phoebe,okay.
monica,that was a terrible throw!!,phoebe,i’m not gonna right to you! that’s not real!
monica,"look at me! my big concern is what’s real?!  oh my god. we’re really sad, aren’t we?",phoebe,"yeah, i think we are."
monica,this isn’t even my dress.,phoebe,"well, at least you didn’t rent yours from a store called, it’s not too late."
monica,i’m changing out of this.,phoebe,me too.
monica,in like a half-hour?,phoebe,me too.
monica,"okay, throw it straight this time.",phoebe,okay.
monica,i’m getting married next!!,phoebe,yay!
monica,"yeah. i mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn’t you start feeling silly?",phoebe,i guess.
monica,oh god.,phoebe,"oh, you’re such a cheater!"
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
chandler,"yep! and! a beautiful woman agreed to go out with me.  joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.",phoebe,"oh, how’d that happen?"
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,what is that?
rachel,"well, i just called joshua…",phoebe,"oh, how did it go?"
rachel,"well, i did my best to convince him that i’m not some crazy girl who is dying to get married—i’m just going through a hard time.",phoebe,what did he say?
rachel,"yeah, maybe, but i don’t think i even care. i don’t think he’s the one i’m sad about. y’know, i know that i said that i am totally okay with ross getting married, but as it turns out, i don’t think i’m handling it all that well.",phoebe,"yeah, maybe."
rachel,and i-i am just trying to figure out why.,phoebe,any luck?
rachel,ugh.,phoebe,"hey, y’know what might cheer you up?"
monica,"no-no, rachel, don’t get it! he can’t see us!",phoebe,"no, yeah! the groom cannot see the bride!"
rachel,i’m not gonna marry chandler!,phoebe,not after this!
joey,"well, i think we all learned something.",phoebe,"hey, you guys! look what i found! look at this!  that’s my mom’s writing! look."
chandler,"me and frank and phoebe, graduation 1965.",phoebe,yknow what that means?
joey,that you’re actually 50?,phoebe,"no-no, that’s not, that’s not me phoebe, that’s her pal phoebe. according to her high school yearbook, they were like b.f.f.  best friends forever."
rachel,that is so cool.,phoebe,"i know! so this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my dad is. so i looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. so maybe this weekend we could go to the beach?"
rachel,"ohh, big, fat bummerrr.",phoebe,so great! okay! tomorrow we’re gonna drive out to montauk.
joey,woo-hoo! all right! yeah!,phoebe,"oh, i am having the best karma this week. first, i find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house."
ross,"yeah? what about ah, that bike messenger you hit?",phoebe,"oh, i wasn’t talking about his karma."
rachel,"well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, i am here to tell you that hats are back.",phoebe,"and this time, they’ve ganged up to form one giant, super hat."
rachel,"oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat!",phoebe,oy!!
monica,what’s with all this sand?,phoebe,"oh, yeah, bob said there might be flood damage."
phoebe sr,"well, yes, it’s kind’ve an unusual house. it has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. but yknow, the ocean is right there.",phoebe,"knock, knock, knock."
phoebe sr,"ah, oh, hang on a second.  come in, come in.  all right, so think about it, and call me back.",phoebe,"are you ah, phoebe abott?"
phoebe sr,"ahh, yes.",phoebe,"hi phoebe abott, i’m your best friends daughter!"
phoebe sr,you’re erwin’s daughter?!,phoebe,"no, i-i mean your-your old best friend, here. lily, from high school. remember?"
phoebe sr,"oh gosh, lily, yes. of course i remember lily. i... then you must be?",phoebe,"phoebe.  phoebe. phoebe, yeah. she named me after you i guess."
phoebe sr,"uh-huh. wow! well, look! there’s frank.",phoebe,"yes!! yes! yes! yes!! that’s my dad, that’s frank! yeah! i’m sorry i’m getting all flingy."
phoebe sr,"take it easy--if you want, there’s cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria!  i can make sangria!",phoebe,"no-no, sorry. cookies are good, thanks."
phoebe sr,oh.,phoebe,"well, so, umm, anyway umm, i’ve been, i’ve been looking for my father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him?"
phoebe sr,"oh no, i-i’m sorry, i guess we lost track of everybody after high school.",phoebe,"oh, okay. well, so tell me everything about my parents. everything."
phoebe sr,"ohh, well. yknow we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.",phoebe,"oh, what? what was it?"
phoebe sr,"the three losers. oh, poor lily.  ohh, yknow i-i heard about what happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way.",phoebe,"yeah, no, it was great."
ross,"ow! ow! oh, no-no-no!",phoebe,"oh, hey!"
ross,hey!,phoebe,"oh, so, how are we doing?"
monica,so what’s phoebe like?,phoebe,"i’m kind, caring, and sweet. what’s monica like?"
monica,"ah no, the other phoebe, the one you went to go see.",phoebe,"ohh, i think she knows where my dad is."
monica,"oh well, where is he?!",phoebe,"she was acting, she was pretending like she hasn’t heard from him on years, but i found this picture on her fridge, and look ! isn’t this what he would look like now?"
monica,"well, why would she lie to you?",phoebe,"i don’t know, but we’re having dinner tomorrow night, so i figured, she’s gonna tell me then. yknow maybe she just wanted to give him time to, buy me presents, i don’t know! so, you’re all bored?"
chandler,yes!,phoebe,"all right, i’m gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever i point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it."
joey,"okay, all right.",phoebe,okay.
joey,fan out! fan out!,phoebe,"okay.  ooh, yknow we could just do this."
ross,"okay,  fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool points. yeah.",phoebe,"monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. it hasn’t happened yet, but we’re all very excited."
joey,fine. gang up on me! i got you all right where i want you.,phoebe,"come on, take ‘em off!!"
rachel,well! is everybody else having just the best time?!,phoebe,shhh! shhhh! joey’s asleep.
joey,"what’s the matter, pheebs?",phoebe,she cancelled! my namesake cancelled on me!
joey,what?!,phoebe,"yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. she’s avoiding me, she doesn’t want to tell me where my father is. she knows, and she won’t tell me."
rachel,"aww pheebs, that sucks!",phoebe,"yeah, well, don’t “aww pheebs, that sucks!” me yet."
chandler,where ya going?,phoebe,"well, she’s out of town so, there’s gotta be something in her house that tells me where my father is."
ross,"uh, pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering.",phoebe,"well, are any of those people here?!"
all,"oh, no!! no, no!",phoebe,"okay, look i-i-i do something nice, okay? i’ll-i’ll fill her ice trays."
joey,wanna play strip poker for practice?,phoebe,"ow! my ass. okay. okay.  oh, shhh!"
phoebe sr,then dont break in!!,phoebe,i’m sorry.
phoebe sr,what are you doing here?!,phoebe,"i-i, came to fill your ice cube trays."
phoebe sr,what?!,phoebe,"umm, okay, okay, look. i took this picture from your fridge. okay, because i know that this is my father. yeah, this is frank buffay and you are standing right there next to him. now, look i deserve to know where i came from. all right? so if you can help me find my father then you should! otherwise, you’re just mean!  so, just tell me the truth!"
phoebe sr,"all right, the man in the picture is chuck magioni.",phoebe,my father is chuck magioni?
phoebe sr,"no, no, that’s just chuck magioni, i-i sold him a house last year! and i’m very sorry, but i don’t know where your father is, and that’s the truth.",phoebe,oh.
phoebe sr,"but umm, you’re right. i think that a person should know where they come from. wh-which is why i ah,  ahh,  okay. i’m your mother.",phoebe,heh?
ross,ahhhh!!,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey.,phoebe,"hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?"
monica,"oh, there’s banana on it.",phoebe,"wow, i have the spirit of an old indian women living in mine."
monica,so then you know?,phoebe,"the mailman was downstairs, so i brought up your mail."
monica,"oh, good. thanks.",phoebe,now what is fabutec?
monica,"okay, all right don’t judge me to much. okay? um, but i saw this info-mercial, and um, i swear to you i have never-ever bought anything on tv before, except for this mop. but there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....",phoebe,waxine!!
monica,yes! have you seen it?,phoebe,"oh, it’s incredible! i so want to be a waxine girl."
monica,i know!!,phoebe,god. do think it really doesn’t hurt? ‘cause how can they do that?
monica,hello! organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!,phoebe,they have the best stuff in there.
chandler,"okay, okay-okay, ah, chloe works with that guy issac. issac’s sister is jasmine. and jasmine works at that message place with phoebe. and phoebe’s friends with rachel. and that’s the trail, i did it!",phoebe,"after applying the waxine and linen strips to leg number one,"
monica,did that!,phoebe,grasp one of the linen strips by its ‘easy grab tab’ and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.
monica,okay.  ow!!!!! ow-oh-oh!,phoebe,was it not pain-free?
monica,"no. it was painful. oh my god , they should call it pain-zine, now with a little wax.",phoebe,"huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don’t seem to think it’s that bad."
monica,"that’s because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. but hey, yknow if you don’t believe me, please, by my guest.",phoebe,ow-ow-ow-ow! oh my god!!!
monica,ow!,phoebe,oh!!
monica,ow!! ow!!,phoebe,ow!!!
monica and phoebe,ow!!!!!!! ow-ow-ow-ow!,phoebe,we’re all right.
monica,"it’s okay, it’s okay.",phoebe,we’re all right.
chandler,off?!!,phoebe,"for your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience."
joey,"yeah, i-i think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that’s all. i mean, come on, it’s just a little wax.",phoebe,"oh yeah, come here."
joey,"okay, fine, so now what, i just pull it off?",phoebe,uh-huh.
monica,rachel said everything was okay.,phoebe,"what, what are they talking about?"
rachel,a mistake?! what were you trying to put it in? her purse?!,phoebe,whe-where did he put it?!
monica,oh my god.,phoebe,"oh, i knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday."
ross,"what? okay, okay, okay, okay.",phoebe,should we do something?
chandler,"wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever.",phoebe,"hi, it’s phoebe. listen someone’s gonna have to take my 9:00"
joey,"oh man, pizza? i like pizza.  put olives on the pizza.",phoebe,we could eat the wax! it’s organic.
chandler,"oh great, food with hair on it.",phoebe,"no, not the used wax."
monica,hey. it’s three in the morning. they don’t know that i’ve come home yet. you notice how neither one of them are wondering where i am.,phoebe,"yeah, yknow, people can be so self-involved."
rachel,then how come it is?,phoebe,they’ve been quiet for a long time.
chandler,"leave me alone! for the love of god, leave me alone!!!",phoebe,"ohh, you and your ways. since it’s christmastime. i’m going to be one of those people collection donations."
monica,"you know, i knew a girl in high school who did that. she was very popular.",phoebe,"ohh, they gave me a great spot. right by macys. yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but i’m the only one who can sing merry christmas in 25 languages.  i lied."
estelle,"well, you’re just going to say no again but...gay porn.",phoebe,"happy holidays. feliz navidad. allo, and merry christmas.  ohh thank you sir. heres some joy."
monica,"well good, here let me help you out.",phoebe,"oh, thanks!"
monica,yeah!,phoebe,wow!
monica,yeah. i guess.,phoebe,just get your nails done?
monica,"yes phoebe, but this is all i have. okay?",phoebe,"okay! thanks! happy holidays, heres your joy."
the man,im making change. i need change for the bus.,phoebe,"but, cant you leave the dollar? this money is for the poor."
the man,im poor! i gotta take the bus!,phoebe,"okay, seasons greetings and everything, but still…"
the man,"bite me, blondie!",phoebe,"oh, im going to give him something else besides joy, just…"
joey,"uh yeah, right here.",phoebe,"thank you, happy holidays."
rachel,"uh, it was very nice meeting you.",phoebe,"nobody! nobody respects the bucket! you wouldnt believe what people put in here! look!  okay, does this look like a garbage can to you?"
monica,no.,phoebe,does it look like an ashtray?
monica,no.,phoebe,does it look like a urinal?
ross,"so pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what?",phoebe,"well, yeah! but im not gonna take anymore crap. okay? no more mrs. nice bucket!"
monica,"yeah, good for you. yknow youre tough, you lived on the streets.",phoebe,"yeah, im gonna go back to being street phoebe. yeah! oh but, yknow what? i cant go totally back because street phoebe really wouldnt be friends with you guys. sorry."
joey,theyre brother and sister!!!,phoebe,"oh whoa-whoa-whoa! wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look.  quarter. dime. lint? not interested in that.  whats this? a canadian coin? get outta here!"
bob,"uh, phoebe weve been getting complaints and uh, were gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.",phoebe,what?!
bob,"umm, gingers gonna take over this corner.",phoebe,that chick cant handle my corner.
bob,"look, either you leave, or we remove you.",phoebe,"fine.  all right, ill give you one pointer. look out for that bitch."
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey! check it out! this is unbelievable! joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
rachel,"pheebs, i wanna ask you something.",phoebe,"uh-huh, what?"
rachel,well since i’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful…,phoebe,oh!
rachel,…how about i move in with you?,phoebe,"well, that would be great but then what do we do about denise?"
monica,who’s denise?,phoebe,my roommate.
rachel,you have a roommate?!,phoebe,"yes, denise. denise!"
chandler,"pheebs, i don’t understand. how can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?",phoebe,maybe because you never listen to anything that i say. i talk about her all the time! denise!!!!!
chandler,hey-hey! i thought naked thursday’s was just our thing man!,phoebe,hey.
ross,hey!,phoebe,"so, what did rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?"
ross,"oh, that. umm, she took it really well.",phoebe,you didn’t tell her did you?
ross,no.,phoebe,"of course not, because you’re in love with her."
ross,"i am not in love with her. she was very upset about having to move out so i eh, didn’t tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. i-i just comforted her, as a friend.",phoebe,"what do you mean, comforted her?"
ross,"it’s nothing, i just gave her a hug.",phoebe,"ah-ha! a classic sign of love, the hug!"
ross,it’s also a sign of friendship.,phoebe,"yeah, not in your case lovey loverson."
ross,it was a hug!,phoebe,"okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?"
ross,s-s-smell her hair? what if i did?,phoebe,"ninety percent of a women’s pheromones come out the top of her head! that’s why, that’s why women are shorter. so that men will fall in love when they hug them!  oh come on ross, you’re a scientist."
ross,"i was hugging her as a friend. it’s not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she’s got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh…coconutty.  what?! oh, that doesn’t mean i have feelings for rachel! maybe it means i have feelings for coconuts!",phoebe,"okay, whatever you say. but just be careful, all right? rachel’s not in the same place you are."
ross,"if the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because i am not in that place!",phoebe,"okay, i didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love!"
rachel,"pheebs, i have to ask you…",phoebe,shhhhhh! i’m swamped right now.
rachel,you’re just staring into space.,phoebe,"umm, i’m trying to move that pencil."
rachel,this one?,phoebe,it worked!
rachel,"pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! every place i can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. i mean, look at this;  wanted. female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly. it’s just, there is nothing! the city’s full!",phoebe,"wait, no, look at this!   two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, satan worshipers okay… oh, yeah, but it’s on the ground floor."
ross,"okay, you go grab it!",phoebe,i saw it.
ross,i don’t know what you’re talking about.,phoebe,"umm, i’m talking about that which you already know but won’t admit. you love her again; you re-love her!"
ross,"look, i do not re-love her.",phoebe,"i can’t believe you won’t just admit it!  okay, just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid."
rachel,what?!,phoebe,what?!
ross,"well, i’m-i’m just glad i could, y’know, help you out.",phoebe,"wow! i’m-i’m so happy for you guys.  this is so-so, not stupid."
ross,"oh please!   you’re gonna say things now, aren’t ya?",phoebe,"no. no, i won’t. but i should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate denise. she moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! and that’s how she ended up living with me!   okay, that’s a lie."
monica,"uh, no!!",phoebe,i found you in my bed!
ross,is that what i want?,phoebe,yes.
rachel,"uh, no. wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. nevermind.",phoebe,"hi, its me, im coming over now. hey, what if im already there when your playing this message?  is that too spooky?"
monica,"yes. well i got his machine and i left a message. but its okay, its okay, its okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. it was breezy! oh god, what if it wasnt breezy?",phoebe,"well, how could it not be breezy, no, cause, youre, youre in such a breezy place."
rachel,"ross, that was a halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as little bo peep.",phoebe,"oh rach, good, listen isnt this perfect for me!"
chandler,"well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.",phoebe,"okay, im ready."
rachel,"okay, pheebs, quick, what shoes should i wear? the black or the purple?",phoebe,"okay, okay, okay, the black. but, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?"
ross,yay!,phoebe,"ill get it, okay.  hi, monica and rachels.  yeah, just a second, can i ask whos calling.  oh, ew, its michelle! ew! she, she must have that caller id thing. you should get that."
monica,"michelle, i only beeped in so i could hear my message. i mean thats allowed. yeah-huh! i mean look, yeah, you know what i would really appreciate it if you didnt tell your dad about. what do you mean, youre not comfortable with this? come on were friends!!  that bitch always hated me. im calling her back.",phoebe,"okay, were on it. were on it."
rachel,"well, ever since i was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, im just, i dont know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.",phoebe,get away from that! no!  shes just getting dressed.
chandler,stop it. stop it!,phoebe,"ross, went to get a cab so we can all... no, wh-what are you doing! no, monica, no!"
rachel,i think it is.,phoebe,"ooh, whats going on?"
joey,"hey, great! all right!",phoebe,good for you!
rachel,"look, you guys... this is really, really important to me. and it means a lot if you could try to get on board.",phoebe,of course we can. congratulations. yay!  joey...
rachel,joey...,phoebe,you okay with this?
chandler,"well, it makes me feel sad, but...",phoebe,talking to ross.
chandler,what do you think pheebs?,phoebe,"well, i think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a baskin robbins... anyway... hey, isnt joeys agent estelle leonard?"
chandler,yeah.,phoebe,she died.
monica,thats terrible!,phoebe,"yeah, last saturday. wow! she was the first black man to fly solo across the atlantic.  oh, wait a minute, i read the wrong one."
chandler,oh yeah?,phoebe,"yeah, she was just an agent."
chandler,i know. *he* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the atlantic.,phoebe,"well, we cannot tell joey about this. hes already flipping out about everything thats changing. this will push him over the edge."
monica,"seriously, you dont think we should tell him?",phoebe,"well, not for a little while. lets just give him a few days to get used to everything else."
joey,hey phoebe.,phoebe,hey. everything ok?
joey,i’m just mad at my agent.,phoebe,estelle? why?
joey,there’s a part in a tv movie that i would be perfect for and i didn’t even be put up for it! she’d better have a good reason.,phoebe,i’m guessing she does.
joey,"well  i’m wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this.",phoebe,"well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. all right, i gotta go. just listen. promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her."
joey,ok. why?,phoebe,because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason.
joey,"i’m saying that… . this isnt  working for me anymore, ok? estelle, you’re fired. goodbye. .",phoebe,"man, tough week for estelle!"
janice,oh my god! . chandler : sure.,phoebe,"hey joey, want come with me to… are you ok?"
joey,"yeah, i just… i just feel bad about firing estelle. this is got to be killing her.",phoebe,"no, that wouldn’t kill her. ordinary embolism might."
joey,"i don’t know. she’s got to be taking it hard, i was like her only client. except for this guy who eats paper. and i’m guessing he eats more money than he makes. look, i know she’s not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. i’m gonna call her and hire her again.",phoebe,"no, no, no! dont call her! you wait for her to call you"
joey,why?,phoebe,because patience is the road to understanding  which ... is the key... to a happy heart.
joey,you blow me away.,phoebe,"all right, so promise youre gonna wait for her to call you?"
joey,oh my god.  hello?,phoebe,"joey, its estelle."
joey,estelle?,phoebe,"yeah, i wanted to call and tell you that theres no hard feelings for firing me."
joey,"ok-ay. i just, i cant believe youre calling me?",phoebe,"well, i didnt think i should just drop by..."
joey,"no, no, no!  dont drop by, dont drop by!",phoebe,"anyway, you did what you had to do. im okay."
joey,"can i ask you something? uhm, whats it like there?",phoebe,"its alright. look kiddo, i gotta go. good luck with the career. youre gonna be huge."
ross,"oh, hello.",phoebe,"oh, thanks. i couldnt uh..."
ross,is everything ok?,phoebe,"um, no, huh-uh. one of my clients died on the massage table today."
chandler,thats a little more relaxed than you want them to get.,phoebe,"yeah, um, she was 82 years old. her name was um, mrs. adelman."
monica,"oh, honey.",phoebe,"yeah, its just so strange. i mean, she probably woke up today and thought, ok, ill have some breakfast, and then ill take a little walk, and then ill have my massage. little did she know god was thinking, ok, but thats it. oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, i was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, i dont think it went very far."
rachel,what do you mean?,phoebe,i think it went into me.
mrs green,yes.,phoebe,"i know who it is you remind me of. evelyn dermer. course, thats before she got the lousy face lift. now she looks like soupy sales."
joey,"pheebs, whos evelyn dermer?",phoebe,i dont know. whos soupy sales?
chandler,"you know, its funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. but in your case its actually kinda true.",phoebe,thats him.
mr a,phoebe?,phoebe,"yes, hi, mr. adelman. thanks for meeting me."
mr a,"oh, thats all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.",phoebe,"um, do you wanna sit?"
mr a,"oh, no, please, i spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. now uh, what can i do for you, my dear?",phoebe,"i dont know how to say this, but i think when your wifes spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me."
mr a,"youre saying, my wife is in you?",phoebe,"yeah. ok, you dont have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason shed be hanging around?"
mr a,"well, i dont know what to tell you dear. the only thing i can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.",phoebe,everything?
mr a,everything.,phoebe,"whoa, thats a lot of stuff."
mr a,"oh, wait, i remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.",phoebe,"im sorry, theres laughing in my head."
rachel,shes still with you?,phoebe,"yeah. i guess she hasnt seen everything yet. ill be right back, she has to go"
joey,"im sorry, its the pigs. theyre reluctant to get in the blankets!",phoebe,"monica, how did this happen? i thought you had this all planned out."
monica,do you want me to cry? is that what you want? do you wanna see me cry?,phoebe,sir! no sir!
ross,"yeah, cant help but.",phoebe,i miss rose.
chandler,"oh, yeah?",phoebe,"i know its kind of weird, but i mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now i just feel kind of alone."
woman,"you know, i uh, i couldnt help but overhear what you just said, and i think its time for you to forget about rose, move on with your life...how bout we go get you a drink?",phoebe,"ok, thats so nice."
ross,"well, mon, i was married.",phoebe,"yeah, me, too, technically."
joey,hey!,phoebe,yeah! have a great honeymoon!
rachel,how?! how do you know?,phoebe,"it was his sweater, but—oh my god!"
rachel,i know!,phoebe,me too!
monica,hey! good luck!,phoebe,"yeah, bye."
chandler,you already know.,phoebe,"oh, its so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon."
joey,"y’know, monica and chandler are married. ross and rachel are having a baby. maybe you and i should do something.",phoebe,all in good time my love. all in good time. oh shoot! i left my guitar in their apartment. well you can let me in later.
joey,"i don’t have a key, they took mine to give to you.",phoebe,what?! they took mine to give to you!
joey,why would they take away our keys?,phoebe,maybe they don’t trust us.
joey,no that’s not it. they let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.,phoebe,you mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with monica’s guest towels?
joey,"hey, i washed those!",phoebe,no you didn’t.
joey,yeah that didn’t sound like me.,phoebe,"well, what am i gonna do? i really need my guitar!"
joey,"yeah, i have stuff in there too.",phoebe,what stuff?
ross,hey!,phoebe,did rachel find you?
ross,no why?,phoebe,oh she was looking for you.
ross,"oh well, i guess i’ll catch up with her later.",phoebe,"well, she really wanted to talk to you now."
ross,oh no.,phoebe,what?
ross,"yeah. uh, uh we promised we weren’t gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago rachel and i slept together.",phoebe,and?
ross,wow! i thought you would be a little more shocked.,phoebe,oh sorry.  and?!
ross,i’m telling you. i’m telling you. that’s what it is. no wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. she didn’t say anything to you?,phoebe,maybe it’s something you ate?
joey,i still can’t believe they took away my key. you trust me with yours.,phoebe,of course i do! and i’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place.
mr. treeger,you said there was a gas leak in here.,phoebe,well why don’t you use your key?
mr. treeger,"because by the time i find it on this thing , the whole place might have exploded. if that happens at another building that i manage, people are gonna start asking questions.  come on! hurry up.",phoebe,oh! we could have done that.
mr. treeger,"anyway uh, i’ll get moving on that new door.",phoebe,"oh great! and listen, could you do us a favor and not tell chandler and monica about this? ‘cause y’know umm, they don’t-they don’t have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them."
mr. treeger,"well i’m gonna have to put on a new lock, they’ll find out anyway.",phoebe,oh no.
ross,"look, is rachel here? i really need to talk to her.",phoebe,didn’t you two already talk?
joey,oh my god!!! i can’t believe that!!,phoebe,holy mother of god!!!
ross,with my child.,phoebe,that is brand new information!!
ross,you already know don’t you?,phoebe,a little bit.
ross,nothing. but the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. and then when i turned around she was gone.,phoebe,oh ross.
joey,"uh, okay i’ll-i’ll-i’ll break it down.",phoebe,"oh hey hi, he’s doing it. he’s breaking down the door.  okay, we’re in."
joey,hey!,phoebe,hey! so how was the doctor?
rachel,"oh, everything went great.",phoebe,good.
ross,"oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.",phoebe,oh.
chandler,well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster.  we’re getting a second opinion.,phoebe,hey!
rachel,"well, i’ve been up since six. thanks to somebody’s dumb-ass rooster.",phoebe,you guys you really should get rid of those animals. they shouldn’t be living in an apartment.
rachel,yeah! especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around…,phoebe,"all right. i’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if i’m ready to have frank and alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus."
ross,"now, how will they know if you’re ready?",phoebe,"oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick."
chandler,"oh, i can uh, check that for ya.",phoebe,"okay everyone, think thick."
all,good-bye! good luck!,phoebe,hi! wish me luck!
dr. zane,it looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.,phoebe,oh! i knew it! i knew it! i felt really thick this morning.
dr. zane,"okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.",phoebe,"embryossss? as in, more than one?"
dr. zane,"um-hmm, five actually.",phoebe,"five? okay, where am i giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?"
dr. zane,we do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.,phoebe,that’s it! 25 percent? that means that’s it’s like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
alice,"sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine.",phoebe,"okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause i’m-i’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right."
alice,"umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. so, umm, we’re kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.",phoebe,"whoa!! that—okay, that’s a lot of pressure on me and my uterus.  so, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that i can do y’know just to like help make sure i get pregnant?"
dr. zane,"no, i’m sorry.",phoebe,wow! you guys really don’t know anything!
chandler,"actually, it’s miss chinandolor bong.",phoebe,"hello, tiny embryos. well, i’m-i’m phoebe buffay, hi! i’m-i’m-i’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. you should know, that we’re doing this for frank and alice, who you know, you’ve been there! umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. okay, and-and i promise that i’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready to have them take you home, so… oh! and also, umm next time you see me, i’m screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen."
dr. zane,ready?,phoebe,uh-huh.  good luck.
chandler,"oh, i would never bet this apartment. it’s too nice.",phoebe,hey!
joey,"hey—ooh pheebs, are they in there?",phoebe,"umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted."
monica,how do you feel?,phoebe,"well, freaked. ‘cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. and! this is frank and alice’s like only shot. like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket."
monica,really?! how much?!,phoebe,"all right, i’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now."
joey,oh wow! you can tell this soon.,phoebe,"well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always been a little faster than western medicine."
monica,well?,phoebe,"nope, not knocked up yet."
monica,"it’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.",phoebe,"yeah, all right. meanwhile, i’m gonna do whatever i can to help this so, i’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair,  yknow? yeah, good, i’m let gravity y’know, do its jobs."
monica,i lost our mattresses.,phoebe,are you in there little fetus?
alice,"hi, phoebe! we were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present.",phoebe,oh. oh.
alice,"so umm, you feel like taking a test? there’s only one question.",phoebe,"all right, i will. no, i will. but umm, y’know just remember that it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that i’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean that i’m not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so i don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this."
frank,okay.,phoebe,great.
rachel,no it’s not!,phoebe,you guys! you guys! you’re gonna have a baby! they’re gonna have a baby!
frank,my sister’s gonna have my baby!!!!!!!,phoebe,"okay, but this can’t be good for the baby."
rachel,"oh, phoebe, are you still on hold? i was supposed to call my dad back like two hours ago.",phoebe,"oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at flimby’s."
rachel,what’s flimby’s?,phoebe,"oh, yeah, that’s the word i use when i can’t remember the real thing."
rachel,okay. hang up! that’s it! come on!,phoebe,"no! rachel, that’s what they want me to do. my warranty expires tomorrow, if i don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! we cannot let them win! it’s us versus them!"
ross,"uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person.",phoebe,like a date type  person?
monica,here you go. you can wear this.,phoebe,thanks!
monica,uh-huh.,phoebe,"okay.  ooh, i’m setting the phone down.  but i’m still here! just don’t go anywhere i’m still here.  don’t-don’t switch or anything, ‘cause i’m, i’m right here.  just one sec. one sec! one second!!  wait! one second! just…"
monica,phoebe?,phoebe,"what?! monica, i’m scared!!"
monica,"all right. honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. okay?",phoebe,yeah.
hold voice,"thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.",phoebe,yes!! yes!! i’m the next caller! you were gonna have me hang up.
monica,of course not.,phoebe,no.
rachel,hey!,phoebe,"oh, is the play over?"
monica,you were the next caller five hours ago. you must be going crazy.,phoebe,nah. i kept myself busy.
monica,"pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! go to sleep, honey. th-this isn’t healthy.",phoebe,"no, no, i’m fine, and y’know why? ‘cause of all the riboflavin."
joey,"yeah! i stayed at kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. hey, pheebs, where were ya?",phoebe,"i’m so, so, so sorry, joey. i definitely am gonna see you’re play. i swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. you’re play is the next play is the next play i’m gonna see."
tommy,"hey, mind if i use the phone?",phoebe,"oh, i…"
ross,i can’t believe no one believes me!,phoebe,"i do, i believe you."
ross,you do pheebs?,phoebe,yeah. but i also believed her  when she said i was next.
monica,"phoebe, it’s been two days.",phoebe,"yeah, i know. oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. right?"
ross,"phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is utah.",phoebe,"no, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800.  ‘cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one.  yeah, every big utah-based company has one."
rachel,phoe-be!!,phoebe,"sorry, i’m so sorry, i will pay you back."
all,hang it up! hang up the phone!!,phoebe,fine! fine!  oh-oh!
monica,what?,phoebe,"well, i think i broke it. but that’s all right, here’s the number you can call."
chandler,i think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me.,phoebe,oh hey you guys!
rachel,hi!,phoebe,"hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?"
rachel,oh yes i do. i do. i believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. and do you know how you find him? you stop looking for him. that’s why i stopped looking for russell crowe. he’ll find me.,phoebe,"uh-huh,  and you?"
chandler,"no. i mean i believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and i believe in falling in love, but soul mates, i don’t think they exist.",phoebe,"okay, good."
chandler,why?,phoebe,"well last night, i met monica’s."
chandler,what?,phoebe,"yeah, i had a date with this guy, and i swear to god, he is her other half."
rachel,"well, what’s he like?!",phoebe,well he’s tall.
rachel,uh-huh.,phoebe,he has brown hair.
chandler,"a tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!",phoebe,he works with food!
rachel,oh sure. older?,phoebe,"obviously, and he’s british."
rachel,"oh, i was just gonna ask!",phoebe,"yeah? and, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident."
chandler,"luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about.",phoebe,"oh, i’m so sorry. um, and maybe i’m wrong! i but—y’know i’m gonna go out with him again, i’ll find out more."
chandler,you believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him?,phoebe,"well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat."
monica,"all right. now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into vermont money.",phoebe,oh! hi!
monica,hi!,phoebe,"umm, chandler, monica, this is don."
don,"oh, hello.  hello.",phoebe,soul mate.
chandler,what?,phoebe,soul mate.
chandler,what are you doing?!,phoebe,nothing! i swear to god i didn’t know you guys would be here! and the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. so…
chandler,"i believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!",phoebe,"they’re just talking, and y’know what? just because i think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen."
monica,"phoebe, good work.",phoebe,yeah?
monica,"yeah! oh he’s great, i love him.",phoebe,"don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else."
chandler,oh come on!  are you listening to this?,phoebe,i’m so sorry.
chandler,what do we do?,phoebe,"i don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! i don’t know how you fight that."
joey,you fall for it every time!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,hi!,phoebe,i brought you my old maternity clothes!
rachel,"oh pheebs that’s so sweet——ooh, those are so cute!",phoebe,"yeah! and look,  see how they expand as the baby grows?  and then after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons."
joey,phoebe!,phoebe,"turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals!"
monica,"hey, isn’t weird to think about how next year at this time they’ll be a little baby at the table?   rachel’s! but good to know where you’re at!",phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,happy thanksgiving!
monica,you too!,phoebe,anything i can do to help?
monica,"actually there is. chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s really into the game so i don’t want to bother him. could you help me fold these napkins?",phoebe,sure!
monica,i’m gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.,phoebe,okay.
monica,"no! no! no! no sweetie! no! not like that! we’re not at a barn dance. you’ve gotta—you wanna fold them like swans. like i showed you at christmas time, remember?",phoebe,"yeah, it all just came screaming back to me.   so how’s the game?"
chandler,i have no idea.,phoebe,what?
chandler,yeah! i’m just pretending to watch the game so i don’t have to help out with stuff.,phoebe,i don’t believe you! that is…brilliant! and monica has no idea?
chandler,yeah! anderson just scored again!  there’s no anderson.,phoebe,"well i want to get in on this. hey mon? i don’t think i can help you after all, i didn’t realize this game was on."
monica,"oh, i didn’t know you liked football.",phoebe,"well normally i don’t, but y’know……green bay is playing."
monica,you like green bay?,phoebe,"well it’s only like my favorite bay! {actually, it’s not bad. it just gets a little cold in winter, but in wisconsin winter only lasts from august to june. j }"
monica,this is phoebe.,phoebe,hey.  wow!  well done.
chandler,"y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve screamed something. maybe we should.",phoebe,oh okay.
chandler,oh come on!,phoebe,noooo!! damn you ref! you burn in hell!!!
chandler,good game!,phoebe,yeah.
monica,"oh, so who won?",phoebe,green bay.
monica,what?,phoebe,"well the lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the green bay…mermen."
will,i don’t know? do i? do i?,phoebe,i think you do.
ross,no-no! no-no. no-no.,phoebe,what?! what else did you do?
rachel,what rumor?,phoebe,"oh, come on will! just take off your shirt and tell us!"
rachel,"ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually.",phoebe,oh!  wow!
chandler,"well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!",phoebe,"so how did this happen? did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner?"
will,yeah!,phoebe,i wanna join!
rachel,wh—phoebe!!,phoebe,"i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i never got to be in a club. i-i didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn french. bonjour."
will,so you knocked her up but you’re not gonna marry her. dude!  anybody?,phoebe,okay.  it’s exactly how i’d imagined it would be.
joey,all right where’s that turkey!,phoebe,joey! those are my maternity pants!
chandler,"yes, i believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.",phoebe,is there anything we can do for you?
ross,"well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? i mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, i don’t know, an extra shift here?",phoebe,"or, y’know, i used to beg for money. of course it helps if you’ve got y’know a little of this  goin’ on. wow! i still have it!"
ross,hi!,phoebe,hey!
ross,"hey, what have you guys been up to?",phoebe,ohh! we went to a self-defense class today!
joey,takes it out of you?,phoebe,"now, we can kick anybody’s ass!"
ross,"no, it’s a concept!",phoebe,yeah it is! it is! it’s freshwater eel!
ross,y’know what? fine! get attacked! i don’t even care!,phoebe,come on ross. we’re sorry. please tell us what it is.
ross,unagi is a state of total awareness. okay? only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!,phoebe,you mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?
chandler,"hey-hey, is monica here?",phoebe,no.
joey,"ohh, hey! why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?",phoebe,"ooh, joey, that’s actually a really good idea!"
rachel,"aw, i love that.",phoebe,you guys!
chandler,"yeah, i thought so to until i paper mached one of my eyes shut.",phoebe,"oh, i love paper mache! what did you make?"
chandler,i made a…,phoebe,what is that?
chandler,"well, have you guys made anything that maybe i can take credit for?",phoebe,ohh! i have! i have! i started making these little sock bunnies!  oh for crying out loud!
rachel,"hey, wait a minute! that is my sock!",phoebe,"now, it’s you little bunny friend."
ross,danger!!! danger!!!!!,phoebe,ross!!!
ross,a lesson in the importance of unagi.,phoebe,"ohh, you’re a freak!!"
joey,pizza!! we like pizza!! get out!!!,phoebe,pat sajak?
rachel,yep!,phoebe,alex trebek?
rachel,"oh, of course!",phoebe,chuck woolery?
rachel,say it!,phoebe,say we are unagi!
rachel,i don’t like sitting up here! i’m just gonna over…,phoebe,no rachel! they got here first!
rachel,oh my god! why is he jumping on those women!,phoebe,we should help him!
monica,do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?,phoebe,why?! what’s happening to the coffee house?! oh!
monica,"i’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. now, that way i can be prepared.",phoebe,what are they?
joey,no!,phoebe,that play?
joey,nooo!,phoebe,the movie?
joey,yes!!,phoebe,ohh!
joey,yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in world war i!,phoebe,"oh, yeah! back then y’know, we called the great war. it really was!"
joey,"well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! i start shooting today!",phoebe,congratulations!
joey,"whoa! okay. yeah well, who-who was in world war i?",phoebe,go ahead.
rachel,mexico?,phoebe,yes! very good.
ross,well i…i told him that if he ever hurt you i would hunt him down and kick his ass!  what?! what?! what is the matter with everybody?! i am serious! i would kick his ass!,phoebe,"ross, please! my make-up!"
rachel,tell monica i’m sorry.,phoebe,what’s up?  tell monica i’m sorry.  tell her yourself!
rachel,"yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. maybe it’s tell monica i’m sorry i…drank the last of the milk.",phoebe,"or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? tell monica i’m sorry."
ross,i think it means he freaked out and left!,phoebe,don’t be so negative! good god! isn’t it possible that sorry is sitting in there  right now?!
rachel,okay.,phoebe,"okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, i am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!"
rachel,ross said there’s still no word from chandler.,phoebe,oh man.
rachel,oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.,phoebe,okay. well there’s one down.
monica,i’m getting married today!!!   i think i just cracked a rib. but i don’t care because today’s my wedding day! my day is finally here!!,phoebe,y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.
rachel,"god! don’t—we can’t let her start getting ready! this is too awful! oh god, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…",phoebe,shhh! stop it! stop it rachel! you can’t do this here!
rachel,i’m sorry. i’m sorry. it’s just…it’s just so sad!,phoebe,"yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! monica can’t see you like this! then she’ll know something’s wrong!"
rachel,i know. i know. oh god.  there’s no tissue! can you grab me some toilet paper?,phoebe,"yeah.  oh, that’s gone too. this is monica’s bathroom right?!"
rachel,oh!,phoebe,no-no! i-i…i found one.
rachel,oh thank you!  oh god!  can i have another one?,phoebe,sure.  do you need some floss?
rachel,oh god i just can not imagine what is gonna happen if chandler doesn’t show up!,phoebe,oh here’s a whole bunch.
rachel,"oh, i mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, oh that poor girl. y’know? then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.",phoebe,oh my god!
rachel,what?,phoebe,"there was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. monica’s pregnant.  so i guess she won’t be totally alone."
rachel,oh my god!,phoebe,"i know! monica’s gonna have a baby! hey, can this count as her something new?"
rachel,oh my god!,phoebe,"hey, do you think this is why chandler took off?"
rachel,"no, she had to have just taken that test because i took out the trash last night.",phoebe,"oh god, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! the bride is pregnant. the groom is missing. and i’m still holding this."
rachel,"okay phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.",phoebe,right.
rachel,okay?,phoebe,"yeah, okay. hey, wait. do you know what kind of birth control she was using?"
rachel,no. why?,phoebe,"just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it."
ross,"no! i talked to joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. i-i-i talked to chandler’s parents again!",phoebe,you told them he was missing?
ross,"okay, wish me luck.",phoebe,okay. i’m going with you.
ross,why?!,phoebe,"ross, you’re tired. you’ve been looking all night. and clearly you suck at this."
rachel,"all right, i’ll see you guys later.",phoebe,"okay. wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?"
rachel,i’ll figure something out.,phoebe,all right. good luck.
ross,we are never gonna find him! he’s one guy in a huge city!,phoebe,oh my god! is that him?
ross,"that is an old, chinese woman!",phoebe,"he could be in disguise, y’know."
chandler,how did you guys find me? i knew i should’ve hid at the gym!,phoebe,what the hell are you doing?!
chandler,no! no! no! i can’t do that!,phoebe,why not?!
chandler,"it’s not just their marriage! i mean, look at yours. look at everybody’s! the only person that can make marriage work is paul newman! and i’ve met me; i am not paul newman. i don’t race cars! i don’t make popcorn! none of my proceeds go to charity.",phoebe,"but look chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than i do. but i totally believe you can do this."
monica,"how can that be?! oh wait! wait! are you, are you serious?!",phoebe,"found the vest! i mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…"
richard,"now, that can be arranged!  slippery little bugger!",phoebe,so-so you two were married huh? what happened? you just drift apart?
mrs. geller,here comes the bride.,phoebe,oh my god monica!
chandler,oh fresh air!,phoebe,"wait! maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! you do that y’know."
rachel,"well phoebe, we gotta do something!  well, y’know. i mean there’s no way joey’s gonna make it in time. so i’m gonna through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on.",phoebe,"okay. oh but don’t tell them monica’s pregnant because, they frown on that."
rachel,okay.,phoebe,okay.
ross,"uh phoebe, can i see you for a second?",phoebe,yeah!
ross,chandler’s gone again!,phoebe,oh my god! why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!
chandler,what?,phoebe,hey! oh!
chandler,i know about monica.,phoebe,you know?!
ross,know what—if somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now…,phoebe,what? you’ll hi-ya?
chandler,"big picture please! so i was in the gift shop, and that’s when i uh, saw this. (he holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads i  new york.) yeah, y’know what? i thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary.",phoebe,well you obviously didn’t see chucky 3.
ross,huh. this is nice.,phoebe,what?
chandler,then…who did?,phoebe,oh and they’re gonna have a baby.
joey,"ok, you know what blows my mind? women can see breasts any time they want. you just look down and there they are. how you get any work done is beyond me.",phoebe,"oh, ok, you know what i dont get? the way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care."
joey,"why do you have to break up with her? be a man, just stop calling.",phoebe,"you know, if you want, ill do it with you."
chandler,"oh, thanks, but i think shed feel like were gangin up on her.",phoebe,"no, i mean you break up with janice and ill break up with tony."
monica,"oh, youre breaking up with tony?",phoebe,"yeah, i know, hes sweet, but its just not fun anymore, you know? i dont know if its me, or his hunger strike, or, i dont know."
ross,"oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing.  nothing, just, just, im fine.",phoebe,whats the matter? why so scrunchy?
rachel,"oh, yeah, yeah. actually, i got the extended disco version, with three choruses of youll never make it on your own.",phoebe,"uh-huh, uh-huh."
monica,"wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.",phoebe,are you gonna go over there?
chandler,where are they? where are they?,phoebe,this is nice. we never do anything just the two of us.
chandler,its great. maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.,phoebe,"eww, i dont wanna do that."
chandler,here we go.,phoebe,"ok, have a good break-up."
chandler,thats it?,phoebe,"yeah, it was really hard."
chandler,"oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.",phoebe,"ok, you werent there."
angela,huh. thats nice.,phoebe,"ok, you can do this. its just like pulling off a band-aid. just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed."
chandler,i hit her in the eye! i hit her in the eye! this is the worst break-up in the history of the world.,phoebe,oh my god.  how many of those have you had?
chandler,"oh, i dont know, a million?",phoebe,"chandler, easy, easy. go to your happy place. la la la la la la la."
chandler,im fine.,phoebe,all right.
chandler,im not fine. here she comes.,phoebe,wait here. breathe.
chandler,how do you do that?,phoebe,its like a gift.
chandler,we should always always break up together.,phoebe,"oh, id like that."
ross,yeah.,phoebe,what a neat idea. all your clothes match. im gonna do this.
monica,hi.,phoebe,"hey, howd it go?"
rachel,wheres chandler?,phoebe,"oh, he needed some time to grieve."
chandler,im free! im free!,phoebe,that oughta do it.
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,wow!
joey,what is the matter with you?!,phoebe,no! barry and mindy.
ross,"i know what you mean, i’ve always wondered how different my life would be if-if i’d never gotten divorced.",phoebe,which time?
chandler,"what if i had had the guts to quit my job? i’d probably be writing for the new yorker, getting paid to be funny. but my job’s fun too! i mean tomorrow, i-i don’t have to wear a tie.",phoebe,what if i had taken that job at merrill lynch?
rachel,merrill lynch?,phoebe,"yeah, i had a massage client who worked there and-and he said i had a knack for stocks."
rachel,well why didn’t you take the job?,phoebe,"because at that time you see, i thought everything that rhymed was true. so i thought y’know that if i’d work with stocks, i’d have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox."
chandler,all right!,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey phoebe! guess what?,phoebe,what?
monica,joey just hired chandler to be his assistant!,phoebe,"ohh that’s so sweet!  oh! hang on!  hang onnnnnn!!!   go!! no! no-no! i said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it’s a number! it comes after 4-9!! no, it’s okay. it’s okay, you’re allowed one mistake. just kidding, you are of course fired."
ross,and that’s phoebe over there!,phoebe,hi!
joey,"so uh, how you doin’?",phoebe,"hang on! hang on! hang on!  go!! who’s this?  oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. what’s your name?  what kind of name is brendy? i… whatever… stop talking! all right, from now on your name is joan. you can pick your own last name."
monica,you’re his bitch.,phoebe,no-no!! no!!
monica,oh wait! you didn’t just sit on my kit-kats did you?!!,phoebe,"no! there-there was a little, a little diff in the market and i lost 13 million dollars."
chandler,but the kit-kats are all right?!,phoebe,"what am i gonna do?! what am i gonna do?! i can’t call my office they’ll kill me! i can’t call my clients they’ll kill themselves! great, now my chest hearts."
monica,what?!,phoebe,"my chest hurts! oh, and now i-i can’t breathe."
chandler,"phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!",phoebe,"oh, if i were, would-would i have shooting pains up and down my left arm?"
monica,yes!!,phoebe,then yes that is what i’m having.
ross,"come on pheebs, it’s not that bad! y’know most people would be excited if they didn’t have to work for a couple of weeks.",phoebe,"most people don’t like their jobs, i love my job! i have not been working for three hours and i’m already going crazy. i miss joan."
monica,let’s take a walk.  y’know maybe you should consider writing for talking out of your ass magazine!,phoebe,so what’s going on with you?
ross,"well umm, i’ve been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.",phoebe,still going through that dry spell with carol?
ross,yeah.,phoebe,how long has it been since you had sex?
ross,"well, last weekend…",phoebe,oh that’s not so bad.
ross,…will be two months…,phoebe,that is.
ross,…since i stopped trying.,phoebe,maybe you need to spice things up a little.
ross,what-what do you mean?,phoebe,"i don’t know. you could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other…"
ross,oh.,phoebe,"y’know, dirty talk, m�nage � trois, toys…"
ross,wow!,phoebe,roll playing… you could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. you could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
ross,"okay, i think i got it.",phoebe,"yeah! or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you’re-you’re-you’re rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody’s watching!  it never happened."
monica,"phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!",phoebe,"oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects."
monica,phoebe! put that cigarette out!,phoebe,no! it’s not a cigarette! the smoke is coming out of me!
monica,put it out!!,phoebe,okay! okay!  i’m so glad you’re here.
ross,come on.  i got it.,phoebe,"oh, give it to me."
ross,i got it!,phoebe,give it!
ross,"hello?  no she can’t come to the phone right now.  oh, right no problem. okay, bye-bye.",phoebe,was it my work? were they mad? was it jack? did he yell?!
ross,"j-j-just relax, nobody yelled. jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.",phoebe,thank god.
ross,"hey, pheebs!",phoebe,hey.
ross,"hey, how’s it going?",phoebe,"well, i’ve got to get out of this bed, i’m going crazy here. crazy!"
monica,here you go sweetie.,phoebe,"what the hell is this, herbal tea? i hate herbal tea!"
chandler,"no, the doctors say it may kill her.",phoebe,what are you two girls whispering about over there?!
ross,"hey pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.",phoebe,"okay, what is this? a stupid contest? because we got a winner here!"
chandler,"listen phoebe, he’s right. people are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.",phoebe,"i know! but if i didn’t work there, what else would i do?"
monica,"well, you used to like playing the guitar.",phoebe,yeah that was lucrative! smart like your brother!
chandler,"uh, what about y’know the massage thing? that never gave you a heart attack.",phoebe,"hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change—ooh, what do i do?! what will i do?!"
joey,all right!,phoebe,i thought i’d try to take a walk. would you pour me some water? i’ll be back soon.
joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa! you’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?",phoebe,no. i’ve learned my lesson.
rachel,oh that’s right! i’m sorry! i-i am early! finish! please!!,phoebe,surprise! look who’s back!
arthur,hey pheebs!,phoebe,hey!
arthur,"call security.  pheebs, didn’t you get fired?",phoebe,"uh, i don’t think so!"
jack,phoebe?,phoebe,jack!! hey!
jack,what are you doing here?,phoebe,"all better! back to work! except this clown from research told me i was fired. he should do his research, huh?"
jack,"well, you were fired.",phoebe,nu-uh!
jack,i told that guy who answered your phone.,phoebe,"oh, okay i didn’t get that message. so this doesn’t count—anyway, i’ll be in my office."
jack,"uh, phoebe you-you don’t have an office.",phoebe,"that’s all right, i’ll work here. this is goo, next to this plant."
jack,"phoebe, listen…",phoebe,"you’re in my office! look, i have made a lot of cash for this company! okay? i am talking big bucks! pesos! yen! rubles! you make one little mistake…"
jack,you lost 13 million dollars.,phoebe,"oh, so this is all about money! y’know it’s bad enough that—ow! oh, you have got to be kidding!"
jack,are you all right?,phoebe,i’m having another heart attack!
jack,what?!,phoebe,i’m having another heart attack!! call 9-1-1!!
jack,take it easy.,phoebe,dumbass!
woman,hey pheebs! how’s it going?!,phoebe,"well, they fired me and i’m having heart attack."
woman,"wow! well, welcome back!",phoebe,yeah.
host,"welcome everybody, welcome to amazing discoveries!",phoebe,"oh, oh! its on again!"
joey,hey!,phoebe,hey.
chandler,"well, ill tell ya i do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasnt me.",phoebe,"yes, it was! it was him! uh huh!  okay, it was me!"
joey,how is it you?,phoebe,"well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. i mean, chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and i hadnt found a place to hide yet. i-i-i meant to tell you, and i wrote it all down on my hand. see, all of it."
monica,"see, now this is why i keep notepads everywhere.",phoebe,"yep, and thats why we dont invite you to play."
joey,"well, estelle tried, you know. the casting director told her that i missed my chance.",phoebe,that is unfair. ill call her and tell her it was totally my fault.
joey,"pheebs, you cant do that. the casting director doesnt talk to friends, she only talks to agents.",phoebe,"what a sad little life she must lead. okay, ooh ."
joey,"what, what are you doing? what are you doing?",phoebe,"no, no, no, i know, i know, ooh. hi, this is katelynn, from phoebe buffays office. um, is um, ann there for phoebe, shell know what its about."
joey,"hang up, hang up.",phoebe,"annie! hi. listen we got a problem with joey tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. who did you speak to in my office? estelle, no, i dont know what im going to do with her. no. all right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop."
chandler,is anybody else scared?,phoebe,"right, well look, um, if joey loses this audition, that is it for estelle. i dont care! annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?  i need a pen."
chandler,"yeah, joe, i assure you if im staring down the barrel of a gun, im pretty much peeing every which way.",phoebe,"oh, its your audition from this morning. can i use the phone again?"
joey,"come on baby, come on!",phoebe,"hi, i have phoebe buffay returning a page. okay, well, um, shes in her car ill have to patch you through."
rachel,very nice touch.,phoebe,"okay, go ahead.  um, hi annie.  fantastic!  you got it.  oh, okay, um, will he work for scale? you ask me. well, i dont know about that,  except that i do and he will. great, oh you are such a sweetheart. i would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next.... op, went through a tunnel."
joey,thank you so much.,phoebe,"it was really fun, i mean ive never talked on a car phone before."
joey,"you were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see theres this one other audition that i really, really want, and estelle couldnt get me in.",phoebe,"oh, i dont know. i mean it was fun one time."
joey,"come on, please, itll be just this one more, well actually its two.",phoebe,two?
joey,"yeah! well, well really its three. please. youre so good at it. i love you.",phoebe,"okay, ill do it, but just these three, right"
joey and ross,go joe!!!,phoebe,helloo! oh!
joey,pheebs! there you are!,phoebe,"no its not, sorry."
joey,"but phoebe, wait! wait! phoebe. phoebe!",phoebe,"oh, joey! oh, okay, see i didnt recognize you wearing, in those....pants."
joey,"look listen, that tv movie i went in for? did you hear anything? i think i got a shot at it.",phoebe,"yes! they called and you didnt get it! okay, i mean you didnt get it, im sorry, im sorry."
joey,"its okay, these things happen.",phoebe,"but they shouldnt happen, you know what, youre, youre in a terrible, terrible business. oh god, i dont wanna be the person who makes your face look like that."
joey,"im, im okay. see.",phoebe,"oh, now youre sad and creepy, oh. you know what, i, im sorry i quit, okay, i just quit."
joey,"no! no, no you cant quit! youre the best agent i ever had! look pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you cant take it personally.",phoebe,"not personal, really, well they said that they never met an italian actor with a worse italian accent."
joey,they actually said that?,phoebe,"yeah. ooh god, theres that face again! see i cant do this job! i..."
joey,"no, no, no, see thats why you have to do this job, agents always lie. you know, estelle just says stuff like they went another way, but this, i can use this.  i canna work on a new accent.",phoebe,"yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. yeah."
chandler,can i be that guy?,phoebe,"okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on."
joey,"okay, shoot.",phoebe,"okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial."
joey,i didnt get it?,phoebe,"no. they said you werent believable as a human being. so, you can work on that."
joey,"okay, what else?",phoebe,"um, the off-broadway play people said you were pretty but dumb."
joey,oh.,phoebe,"oh no wait, im sorry, thats pretty dumb."
joey,"look, its okay, no, no, no, really, look um, i really appreciate this pheebs, but i think im gonna have to go back to estelle.",phoebe,oh.
joey,"yeah, well dont get me wrong, youre a better agent than she is, but at least with her i dont want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.",phoebe,"yeah, no, i understand."
joey,"you do, thanks.",phoebe,yeah. sorry.
joey,wait a minute.,phoebe,what?
joey,"wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.",phoebe,"oh, you caught me. i am so busted."
monica,"okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! now go-go-go!  hey phoebe!",phoebe,hey!
monica,hey how was dinner?!,phoebe,dinner was good!
monica,okay!,phoebe,i’m just saying hi! now i’m gonna go!
monica,okay!,phoebe,"oh, well hello there."
guy,hi.,phoebe,i didn’t see this on the menu.
monica,"uh tim? this is phoebe. phoebe this is tim, my new sous chef.",phoebe,"oh, so youre monica’s boss?"
tim,actually she’s my-my boss. sous is french for under.,phoebe,oh! i sous stand.
tim,yeah.,phoebe,oh you…you made pesto?
tim,yes i did.,phoebe,would you say your pesto is the best-o?
tim,i like your necklace.,phoebe,i made it myself.
tim,you are so talented.,phoebe,"well, it’s no pesto."
rachel,say hi to wally.,phoebe,ooh monica!
monica,hi!,phoebe,"oh my god! i had the best time with tim last night. he is so sweet! oh, i can’t wait to get sous-neath him."
monica,i…i have to fire him.,phoebe,but why?!
monica,"because he’s terrible! okay, he’s slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire!",phoebe,"well maybe he was just nervous, y’know you can be very intimidating. and besides i’ve met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two."
monica,"well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.",phoebe,"but monica, he loves his job so much! can you just give him another chance? please?"
monica,"all right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there!",phoebe,"that’s fair! thank you so much. thanks. oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too."
monica,i paid to have this done.,phoebe,love it!
chandler,what does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!,phoebe,hey!
monica,"hey. okay, i gave him another chance, but tim has got to go!",phoebe,but…
monica,"no! no-no! he is totally incompetent. i called the chef who recommended him to me. he said, ha-ha! gotcha!",phoebe,"okay. okay, but you can’t fire him today."
monica,why not?!,phoebe,because i’m dumping him today.
monica,what?! you said he was sweet!,phoebe,he is sweet. he’s too sweet. he calls me all the time.  so did-did you get home from work okay? did-did you get out of the shower okay?
monica,just don’t pick up your phone.,phoebe,then he comes over!  i’m so worried about you. uck! be a man!
monica,what? so now i’m not allowed to fire him?,phoebe,"you can’t fire him and dump him the same day, he’ll kill himself."
monica,"okay well then, i’ll fire him today and you go out with him for another week.",phoebe,"are you kidding?! another week with that sip, i’ll kill myself!"
monica,"okay well, then we’ll both do it today and he’ll just have to deal with it!",phoebe,okay. but the question is who’s gonna go first. ‘cause whoever goes second is the bitch.
monica,what do you mean?,phoebe,"come on! the boss that fires a guy that’s just been dumped, bitch! and the woman who dumps a guy that’s just been fired, blond bitch!"
monica,i wanted to do this days ago so i think i should go first.,phoebe,"all right, that makes sense.  ugh. but—screw you i’m going first!"
tim,hi!,phoebe,hi.
tim,"oh, i’m so glad you called. i feel like it’s always me calling you. so, what’s up? is everything okay with phoebe?",phoebe,"it will be…in a minute. listen, tim you’re a really great guy."
tim,it’s because i’m with you.,phoebe,aw.  i’m just—i’m in a place in my life right now where i…i…
tim,"whoops. sorry.  this just in.  oh, it’s 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means monica needs me right away.",phoebe,oh-oh no she doesn’t! i know what that is. you can stay.
monica,"oh my pleasure. okay, i’m afraid i’ve got some bad news.  phoebe!",phoebe,monica!
monica,you’re fired!,phoebe,i’m breaking up with you!
tim,what?,phoebe,"i’m, i’m breaking up with you."
tim,why?,phoebe,"i’m sorry, i’m just—i’m…i’m just not ready for a relationship right now."
monica,"yeah and-and i’m sorry too. but, well i just—i like things done a certain way and the chemistry’s just not right.",phoebe,"oh that’s good, the chemistry thing for us too."
monica,okay.,phoebe,"and tim i just wanna say, good luck here."
joey,somebody help me out here!,phoebe,hey!
gary,how are you?,phoebe,"monica, im sorry i didnt come by last night. i was out with gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. we saw and prevented crimes."
joey,you got to go on a ride along?!,phoebe,uh-huh!
gary,"hey, anybody want to meet a hero?",phoebe,john glenn is here?!
gary,wait! hold on! hi!,phoebe,hi!
ross,"okay, okay, so were in the car. right? and bang! a shot was fired. and joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!",phoebe,"my god, joey!"
gary,so you wanna get some dinner?,phoebe,"yeah! sure! yep!  oh, yknow what? if i heard a shot right now, id throw my body on you."
gary,oh yeah? well maybe you and i should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.,phoebe,okay!
gary,all right.,phoebe,bye!
ross,"hey pheebs, has gary ever been shot at for real?",phoebe,"yes. once. yeah, a little. he kinda did it to himself. its not really a good story."
joey,"yeah, hero sandwiches.",phoebe,"well you all know that im a pacifist so im not interested in war in any way.  but yknow what? when the revolution comes, i will have to destroy you all.   not you joey."
rachel,oh!!,phoebe,"oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. yknow? like, the phone rings and she takes a shower."
roger,thats pretty much it.,phoebe,oops!
roger,"but you tell it really well, sweetie.",phoebe,"thanks. okay, now go away so we can talk about you."
roger,okay. ill miss you.,phoebe,isnt he great?
rachel,hes so cute! and he seems to like you so much.,phoebe,"i know, i know. so sweet... and so complicated. and for a shrink, hes not too shrinky, yknow?"
monica,"so, you think youll do it on his couch?",phoebe,"oh, i dont know, i dont know. i think thats a little weird, yknow? vinyl."
rachel,"okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?",phoebe,"yeah, cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts."
mr. tribbiani,just for a coupla days. i got a job midtown. i figure im better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry.  i dont know this one.,phoebe,"oh, this is my friend roger."
monica,hello?,phoebe,its phoebe.
monica,oh! so you think im a failure!,phoebe,isnt he good?
roger,"thats tough. tough stuff. cmon, pheebs, were gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.",phoebe,"oh, okay. feel better, rachel, kay?"
roger,"geez, were gonna be late, sweetie...",phoebe,"oh, okay. listen, thanks for everything, mon."
all,"hey, pheebs.",phoebe,hey.
monica,hows it going?,phoebe,good. oh oh! rogers having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
ross,"were sorry, pheebs, were sorry.",phoebe,"uh-huh. okay. okay, dont you think, maybe, though, its just that hes so perceptive that it freaks you out?"
roger,"whats wrong, sweetie?",phoebe,"nothing, nothing."
roger,"aaaah, whats wrong, cmon.",phoebe,"its, i mean, its nothing, im fine. its my friends. they-they have a liking problem with you. in that, um, they dont."
roger,oh. they dont.,phoebe,but they dont see all the wonderfulness that i see. they dont see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. they just think youre a little...
roger,what?,phoebe,intense and creepy.
roger,oh.,phoebe,"but i dont. me, phoebe."
roger,"well, im not im not at all surprised they feel that way.",phoebe,"youre not? see, thats why youre so great!"
chandler,"if i turn into my parents, ill either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... ill end up like my mom.",phoebe,hey.
monica,hows it going?,phoebe,"oh, okay, except i broke up with roger."
all,awww.,phoebe,"yeah, right."
rachel,what happened?,phoebe,"i dont know, i mean, hes a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways i think he is so right for me, its just... i hate that guy!"
joey,come on pheebs! hurry! hurry! hurry! hurry!,phoebe,okay! okay! okay!
attendant,n-no running in the chapel!,phoebe,hey! don’t you give me any of your—hey!
chandler,we actually missed it.,phoebe,"well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you  run in the chapel!"
monica,this is insane!,phoebe,"what’s the big deal, y’know? it’s not like it’s a real marriage."
chandler,what?!,phoebe,"yeah, if you get married in vegas, you’re only married in vegas."
monica,what are you talking about? if you get married in vegas you’re married everywhere.,phoebe,really?!
monica,yeah!,phoebe,oh my god!—eh! well…
joey,"mornin’ pheebs.  well, my movie has officially been canceled.",phoebe,"oh joey, i’m so sorry. you want some of my breakfast?"
joey,"nah, i’m too depressed to eat. i’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. so i guess i’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight?",phoebe,what about my cab?
joey,i don’t need that anymore.,phoebe,"no, joey! you borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back."
joey,"i don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, i get so lonely.  oh—ooh! how about you come with me?",phoebe,"i don’t know, it’s such a long trip."
joey,"it’ll be great! we-we could talk, and play games! huh? this could be our chance to like renew our friendship.",phoebe,are you asking me to have a frenaissance?
joey,sure?,phoebe,"all right. although i don’t think we need one, i never stopped loving you."
chandler,"so, has anyone talked to dr. and mrs. geller yet?",phoebe,"um-hmm, yeah. they left me a message; they should be here any minute."
monica,"how do i tell chandler that it’s too soon. it’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that i don’t love him anymore.",phoebe,well you don’t.
monica,yes i do!,phoebe,good! good! i was just testing you.
monica,"oh hi! hi! y’know, we were just talking about bacon.",phoebe,"no, we were talking about tennis. tennis is more believable."
ross,yeah!,phoebe,uh-huh! ross invited us all to watch.
joey,they let you get married when you’re drunk! most people who get married in vegas are drunk!,phoebe,"hell, i’m drunk right now!  what? i can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! i’m on vacation!"
joey,an annulment? ross! i don’t think surgery’s the answer here.,phoebe,"oh-oh, that’s your thing."
ross,what?,phoebe,you’re thing. you’re thing. y’know? you’re the guy who gets divorced.
ross,"no-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! i do not love getting divorced!",phoebe,"yes you do! this is your third divorce! you love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy.  i’m so drunk."
monica,"ohh, of course we are!  we left it up to fate.  if we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign.",phoebe,"okay, you have 19 questions left. use them wisely.  come on joey! you can’t win if you don’t ask any  questions!!!"
joey,what?!,phoebe,"well, you promised me a fun road trip! we’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! we are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! that will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!"
joey,all right. all right.,phoebe,yeah! and until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
joey,really? i don’t…,phoebe,sing!!
monica,okay.,phoebe,"how could you pick up a hitchhiker?! he could be a rape—, a rapist or a killer or something!"
joey,don’t you think i asked him that before he got in?!,phoebe,"y’know what? i’m not talking to you! you go back to sleep!  and you, are you a rapist?!"
hitchhiker,no!,phoebe,do you like car games?
hitchhiker,"yeah, y’know the license plate game?",phoebe,i love the license plate game!
joey,"ooh, i’ll play! i’ll play!",phoebe,no-no! you need your sleep. night-night! shh!
hitchhiker,wait! wait! there is the train station!,phoebe,"oh, okay."
hitchhiker,"this is where i get off. well, i have your address and phone number.",phoebe,"and i have your name and the fact that you’re a drifter, so the ball’s pretty much in your court."
joey,"come on pheebs! i can’t take this anymore! let-let me make it up to you. huh?  ground control to major tom. commencing countdown, engines on. take your protein pills and put your helmet on!",phoebe,stop it! stop it no! that’s not fair! y’know i can’t resist that beautiful voice!
joey,"pheebs, i am so sorry! i know i promised you a fun road trip with your friend and i didn’t deliver. but-but-but now i know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! so, so, so i will strive to-to stay awake for as long as i know you.",phoebe,you can still sleep at night and stuff.
joey,"well, thank you. so, can we play 20 questions now? i’ve got a really good one! i’ve been thinking about it since kansas.",phoebe,okay. is it a kind of hot sandwich?
joey,yes.,phoebe,is it a meatball sub?
rachel,pheebs?,phoebe,"no thanks, i’ve already seen one."
ross,"okay.  you uh, you wanna hear something weird?",phoebe,always.
ross,i didn’t get the annulment.,phoebe,what?!
joey,"oh, you have no idea. and-and when we’re on stage i get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping out my heart!",phoebe,"oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this!"
ross,we were all pretty shaken up about it.,phoebe,"wait, am i missing something though? ‘cause i thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way."
monica,i get the dollhouse!,phoebe,"wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! when i was kid, i had a barrel."
joey,"uh, pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?",phoebe,"no, just a barrel."
monica,"yknow what, you can play with my dollhouse.",phoebe,really?! really?!
monica,"look at it! ohhh! wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. carpet’s a little loose. hardwood floors!!",phoebe,hey!
chandler,hello.,phoebe,oh! ooh! oh monica! it’s so beautiful.
monica,i know!!!,phoebe,"so, i’m here, ready to play."
monica,okay.,phoebe,"i brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. ha-ha."
monica,what’s this?,phoebe,"that’s a dog, every house should have a dog."
monica,not one that can pee on the roof.,phoebe,"well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste."
chandler,and is this in case the house sneezes?,phoebe,"no, no, that’s the ghost for the attic."
monica,i don’t want a ghost.,phoebe,"well, nobody wants a ghost. but you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient indian burial ground."
ross,"wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient indian burial ground? that would never happen.",phoebe,"okay, obviously you don’t know much about the u.s. government."
rachel,"oh thank you, chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me.",phoebe,"okay, dinosaur attack!! quick, everybody into the house!! ahh-ahh!  roof! rrroof-roof-roof!"
monica,"okay, phoebe, yknow what? that-that’s it, that’s it, all right? no dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? they’re not the right size, they’re not victorian, and they just don’t go.",phoebe,"okay,  fine. come dinosaur, we’re not welcome in the house of no imagination."
ross,"uh, pheebs, while we’re hovering around the subject. i just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don’t go, rrroof!",phoebe,the little ones do.
the director,"all right, it’s time to act, my talking props.",phoebe,hey!
all,hey!,phoebe,"look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!"
rachel,wow!!,phoebe,"look, look!"
ross,"hey, what’s this?!",phoebe,"oh, okay, it’s the slide instead of stairs. watch this."
rachel,what’s this?,phoebe,"the licorice room, you can eat all the furniture. and, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed."
ross,this is the coolest house ever!!,phoebe,"hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room?"
ross and rachel,uh-huh.,phoebe,"watch, watch."
ross and rachel,ooohhhh!!,phoebe,"and, and!"
ross,yeah.,phoebe,hey!
monica,i tried to reach you at work. there’s....been a fire.,phoebe,what?! oh my...  oh my god!! what happened?!
ross,"well, we believe it originated here.  in the aroma room.",phoebe,all right. did everyone get out okay?
monica,"well, the giraffe’s okay. and so is the pirate.",phoebe,ohh. what is this?
ross,"no phoebe, don’t look! you don’t want to see what’s under there!!",phoebe,"ohh, the-the foster puppets!"
chandler,hey.,phoebe,"hey! umm, well, only okay because i just got back from, from the hospital."
joey,are you all right?,phoebe,"oh yeah, no-no-no. im fine. im okay, but umm, my grandma sorta died."
joey,pheebs! sorry!,phoebe,"its okay, i mean she had a really incredible life. and its not like im never gonna see her again, yknow shes gonna visit."
rachel,"well maybe, maybe shes with us right now?",phoebe,"yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and shes gonna come to the coffeehouse!"
monica,"ohh my god, im so sorry.",phoebe,"its okay. actually yknow what, its kinda cool. cause its like yknow, one life ends and another begins."
monica,"not the way theyre doing it. what, what happened? how did she die?",phoebe,"well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again."
joey,"pheebs, im so sorry.",phoebe,"it was really sweet. the last thing she said to me was; okay dear, you go get the eggs and im gonna get the yogurt and well meet at the checkout counter. and yknow what? we will meet at the checkout counter."
ursula,who is it?,phoebe,its phoebe.
ursula,"oh great!   oh, you. umm, whats up?",phoebe,"umm, well i sorta have some bad news, can i come in?"
ursula,"umm, yeah—no thanks.",phoebe,"umm, well, umm grandma died."
ursula,wow! didnt she die like five years ago?,phoebe,"no, she just died today! okay, umm, were having a memorial service tomorrow."
ursula,"okay, i know that i went to that all ready.",phoebe,no you didnt!
ursula,"well, then whos been dead for five years?",phoebe,"well, lots of people! look, are you coming to memorial service or not?"
ursula,"umm, no. see i already thought she was dead so i kinda made my peace with it. plus, im going to a concert tomorrow. so… id invite you, but umm, i only have two tickets left.",phoebe,"fine. okay, enjoy your concert."
joey,u-n-i-sexy?,phoebe,"well hello, mrs. penella! thank you so much for coming! well, okay look, heres your umm, 3-d glasses and reverend pong will tell you when to put them on."
joey,"hey pheebs, im so sorry.",phoebe,"hey, yknow what? my grandma had the exact same bag!"
joey,"here, i brought you some flowers.",phoebe,thanks!
man,"oops, im sorry. excuse me. is this the umm, the memorial?",phoebe,"yeah, welcome."
man,hello. hello.,phoebe,umm heres your 3-d glasses.
man,"oh, umm, all right.",phoebe,so how did you know francis?
man,"well i actually, i-i really, i havent seen her for years. but umm, well i-i was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.",phoebe,really?! whats your name?
man,"umm, frank buffay.",phoebe,youre frank buffay? frank sr.: shh!  no! joe hill!
ross,what happened?,phoebe,that was my dad!
monica,"oh, did you catch him?!",phoebe,uh-huh.
ross,wh-what did he say?!,phoebe,"he said, nice to meet you glenda.  well, obviously i couldnt give him my real name?"
rachel,why?! why not?!,phoebe,"come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! what do you think? hes gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!"
joey,what did you say to him?,phoebe,"well, i said, i told him yknow, that i was the executor person of francis will and that i needed to talk to him so im gonna meet him at the coffee house later."
the pastor,could everyone please take their seats?,phoebe,"all right, well, i just cant think about that right now. i just wanna say good-bye to my grandma."
joey,"yknow what? make fun all you want. this is a great bag! okay? and its as handy as it is becoming. now, just because you dont understand something, doesnt make it wrong. all right? so from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that joey,  comes with a bag!",phoebe,"all right, id better go too. i have to go talk to my dad."
rachel,"ooh, pheebs, what are you gonna say? are you gonna tell him who you are?",phoebe,"umm, no, not at first cause i-i dont want to freak him out"
monica,"well, at least you scared someone.",phoebe,"yknow its funny, youd think id be angry. i mean, youd think id wanna rip his tiny little head off. fortunately, im past it."
monica,"phoebe, you do seem a little tense. here, let me help you.",phoebe,all right.
monica,what are you talking about?,phoebe,"as a masseuse and a human, im begging you, never do that to anyone!"
monica,i give good massages!  i used to give them to rachel all the time before she got allergic! and-and-and chandler loves them! watch!,phoebe,he-he does not like it! he hates it! hes in pain!
chandler,yeah!,phoebe,"umm, thank you for meeting with me. frank sr.: thank you. all right."
ross,"thanks.  hey, i know where this place is! it used to be an x-rated video...  florist.",phoebe,hey!
monica,hey phoebe!,phoebe,"oh, you wont believe who moved back to town."
chandler,"just so i know, how many more of those can i expect?",phoebe,"you know what amanda said to me when she got me on the phone?  oh, so sorry to catch you on your mo-bile! if-if you dont wanna get me on my mo-bile, dont call me on my mo-bile!"
monica,"i know, and shes always bragging about all the famous people shes met.",phoebe,"oh, i know! oh...i slept with billy joel. all right, who hasnt?"
monica,"oh, what are we gonna do! i dont wanna see her!!",phoebe,"ugh, lets just cut her out!"
monica,what?,phoebe,cut her out of our lives! just ignore her calls and dodge her till she gets the point!
monica,"no, no, don’t get it. let the machine pick up.",phoebe,"oh, yeah. could be rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again."
monica,it could be amanda!,phoebe,"oh, you’re right! i was just kidding about rachel. babysitting is a gas!"
amanda,"let’s see.. to assure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile.",phoebe,"ok, don’t hold thy breath!"
monica,"hi amanda! actually now... it’s... is not a good time. dinner tomorrow night?  ok, phoebe and i will see you then!",phoebe,"why, why, why didn’t you just say no!"
monica,"well, i said no to her coming over now! i couldn’t say no twice! i get this uncontrollable need to please people!",phoebe,"fine, fine! you would not hold up well under torture!"
monica,and you would?,phoebe,i did!
monica,hey phoebe!,phoebe,hey!
monica,is amanda here yet?,phoebe,no.
monica,"oh good. good, look im so sorry, for screwing up that cutting-her-out plan. but i have a new plan. chandler agreed to call here in a few minutes with an emergency.",phoebe,"oh! well, what kind of emergency that gets us both out of here?"
monica,"well, what do you think of mike and chandler being in a car accident?",phoebe,"are you kidding, i love it!"
amanda,smell my neck!  its not perfume! its me! its my natural scent!,phoebe,musty!
monica,you were going to cut me out?,phoebe,well...kinda.
amanda,oh! bugger. should i not have said that? i feel like a perfect arse!,phoebe,"yeah well, in america youre just an ass."
monica,"hello? chandler, whats wrong?  oh my god, are you alright?  yeah, ill be right there.  im so sorry, but chandler was in a car accident.",phoebe,oh my god. was mike with him?
chandler,"if she asks, i protested a little, but ok!",phoebe,"oh chandler! thank god youre alive. monica, can i talk to you outside for a minute?"
amanda,"wow, my flat is twice this size!",phoebe,"please, monica? in the hall?"
monica,"i cant believe you tried to cut me out. why phoebe, why?",phoebe,"it was right after we were living together and you were driving me crazy, okay? you were really controlling and compulsive and shrill."
monica,im still all those things!,phoebe,youre also so generous and kind and scrappy!
monica,i am scrappy.,phoebe,"exactly! look, no matter what i tried to do, i couldnt keep you out of my life. of all the people i have cut out, you were the only one who ever clawed her way back in."
monica,its because im scrappy.,phoebe,"yeah, you are. and im so glad that you fought your way back in, because i dont know what i would do without you."
monica,"well, i guess we should go back in. when you gave me another chance, i guess we should do the same for amanda.",phoebe,"yeah, i guess youre right."
chandler,we didn’t play it!!,phoebe,"okay, so when you’re done with your tea i’ll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune."
chandler,i didn’t know you read tea leaves.,phoebe,"oh yeah, i’ve done it for years. i actually stopped because i was so accurate. y’know, and-and y’know, one of the great joys of life is it’s-it’s wondrous unpredictability. y’know? and also tea tends to give me the trots."
monica,"okay, i’m done. read mine.",phoebe,"okay.  ooh, i see a ladder. which can mean either a promotion or a violent death."
monica,i-i’m the head chef. i-i can’t get promoted.,phoebe,"uh-hmm. uh-hmm, who’s next?"
rachel,"okay, i’m done. do mine.",phoebe,"okay.  umm, oh! okay, i see a circle."
rachel,ah.,phoebe,oh!  which can either mean you’re having a baby or you’re gonna make a scientific discovery!
chandler,what does yours say pheebs?,phoebe,"umm… wow, all right.  wow! yay! ooh, i’m gonna meet a guy! and really soon! and he’s gonna be the man of my dreams. probably not the guy i had a dream about last night."
ross,"i don’t know. i mean i-i guess i could. it’s just that we didn’t really end things such good terms. and if i go over there i’d be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die.",phoebe,"oh wait a second you guys…for the last couple weeks i’ve been that guy everywhere i go. we take the same bus. we go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he’s the tea guy."
rachel,ohh! yeah!  yeah that-that would’ve been a much simpler problem.,phoebe,oh hello.
guy,"oh, it’s you. i see you everywhere. i’m jim, jim nelson.",phoebe,"oh jim, jim nelson i’m phoebe, phoebe buffay. we certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately."
jim,"we have. maybe we’ll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 o’clock?",phoebe,"well, maybe we will.  oh!"
joey,do you think you can just buy my friends baby?!,phoebe,isn’t it funny how we kept running into each other? it’s as if someone really wants us to be together.
jim,someone does. me.,phoebe,"oh, witty banter. well done."
jim,"so, tell me a little bit about yourself.",phoebe,"oh okay, well i’m a masseuse, and i used to work at this place…"
jim,do you like to party?,phoebe,"i-i-i like, i like parties."
jim,"you’re wild, aren’t ya?",phoebe,"yeah i guess, a little."
jim,"it ain’t no thing, i’m wild too.",phoebe,"so! umm, anyway i-i lived in new york, someone wildly i guess, for umm—well since i was fourteen."
jim,i’m sorry. i’m staring. it’s just that you have the most beautiful eyes.,phoebe,oh stop it.
jim,and your breasts! hmm!!!,phoebe,"okay. umm look, you’re coming on a little strong. but i’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to be together. so, why don’t we just start over okay? and you can just tell me about yourself."
jim,all right.,phoebe,okay.
jim,"i write erotic novels, for children.",phoebe,what?!
jim,they’re wildly unpopular.,phoebe,oh my god!
jim,"oh also, you might be interested to know that i have a ph.d.",phoebe,wow! you do?
jim,"yeah,  a pretty huge…",phoebe,all right.
rachel,"well, as long as we are clear about that.",phoebe,oh there it is.
monica,that’s not your regular dry cleaners.,phoebe,"i know, but that creep that i went on that date with goes to there so i have to find a new one. i also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store…"
monica,what?!,phoebe,a new grocery store. the universe said i was going to meet a nice guy and that’s what they gave me?  when i get up there i’m going to kick some ass.
monica,"don’t worry phoebe, you’re gonna meet someone. if i can meet a great guy, so can you.",phoebe,"yeah, we both can. and we both will."
monica,are you kidding? this is where they get out stains! okay? this is like disneyland for me. i’m-i’m gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts.,phoebe,okay.
guy,"oh, excuse me! i think you dropped s… wow!",phoebe,what?
guy,"i’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so incredibly beautiful.",phoebe,"oh yeah well, i’m sorry about that too, but what are you going to do?"
guy,"i hope you don’t think i’m crazy but i feel like i was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing?",phoebe,a little.   now you’re talking.
guy,would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee?,phoebe,i-i-i’d love to. let me just tell my friend.
monica,"ooh, an ink stain! hey, can i watch how you get this out?",phoebe,she must’ve left.
joey,wow! this girl is good.,phoebe,"oh-ho yeah! a song with rhyming words. oo, i never thought of that before."
chandler,i like her.,phoebe,why? because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?
singer,beside meeeee-eeee-ee. .,phoebe,"okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she’s done."
singer,"okay, my next song’s called: phoebe buffay, what can i say. i really loved when we were singing partners, and i shouldn’t have left you that way.",phoebe,"oh no, one of those ‘look for the hidden meaning’ songs."
singer,hey phoebe.,phoebe,"hey leslie, how’d you know i’d be here?"
joey,"so ah, phoebe tells us you write jingles.",phoebe,actually i said she abandoned me to write jingles.
leslie,"yeah, but, i don’t do that anymore. i got kinda sick of it, and then i couldn’t come up with anything good, so they fired me.",phoebe,"hmm, bummer."
leslie,"well, i yknow, i was just, umm, i was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you’d want to get back together?",phoebe,no. but thanks.
leslie,aw come on phoebe would you just think about it?,phoebe,okay. no. but thanks.
joey,"wow, that was kinda brutal.",phoebe,"well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. once you, once you betray me, i become like the ice woman, y’know. very cold, hard, unyielding, yknow nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior.  can i have a tissue, please?"
gunther,someone in here.,phoebe,where’s chandler?
rachel,"yeah, you bet.",phoebe,oh.
monica,yknow those are a delicacy in india.,phoebe,"yeah, that was leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. that’s the twentieth time today! and good luck leslie!"
monica,"wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh?",phoebe,"well, yeah. yknow, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our moms worked on the barge together."
monica,"oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge.",phoebe,you never run on a barge!
joey,"i wish. no. after dinner, me, her, and pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. well i woke up in the middle of the night and i saw that the fire was dying out. so, i picked up a log and threw it on. or, at least what i thought was a log.",phoebe,oh my god!! you threw pepper on the fire!
monica,yknow they say a watched pot never beeps.,phoebe,"it’s just yknow, been a couple of hours, and she hasn’t called. not that i even care, yknow."
monica,phoebe why don’t you just call her? you obviously want to.,phoebe,you think you know me so well.
monica,"well, don’t ‘cha wanna?",phoebe,yeah.
monica,"okay, well i do know you.",phoebe,that’s what i said.
monica,well so?,phoebe,"i can’t. i can’t. she dumped me, i mean i totally trusted her and then one day it was ‘okay, bye pheebs’ gone. yknow what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun i’ve ever had in like all my lives."
leslie,"my best shoes, so good to me. i wear them everyday. down at the heel, holes in the toes. don’t care what people say. my feet’s best friends, pals to the end. with them i’m one hot chicky. though late one night, not much light, i....",phoebe,i stepped in something icky.
rachel,oh.,phoebe,"smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault."
leslie,"wow, that’s great.",phoebe,"oh, yeah!"
leslie,"yknow you could totally sell this. it’d be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.",phoebe,"i..., a jingle? no, no-no-no, no."
leslie,what? why not? you could make a ton of money.,phoebe,"okay, well if i was in this for the money, i’d be a millionaire by now, yknow. you just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie."
leslie,"aw, you’re right, you’re right. i’m sorry.",phoebe,"that’s okay. all right, i’m gonna play song that’s really, really sad. it’s called magician box mix up."
ginger,"ah well, it’s nubbin. nothing! umm. yknow what, i’ll see you later. okay.",phoebe,"oh, i thought you weren’t coming. what? where were you?"
leslie,"come here, come here.  okay, don’t get mad, okay.",phoebe,"okay, don’t give me a reason to get mad, okay"
leslie,"i played smelly cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.",phoebe,"no, look, i told you that i didn’t want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. god, yknow what, i think five years ago i probably would’ve done anything to play with you but, i can do it by myself. and if i can’t trust you then just forget it."
leslie,"no, no, i don’t want to forget it.",phoebe,"okay yknow what you have to choose. all right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have smelly cat, but we won’t be partners. so what’s it gonna be?"
joey,yeah. you okay?,phoebe,"yeah. i actually am, yeah. yknow life-life’s gonna had you all kinds of stuff, yknow you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. wanna hear a new song?"
monica,we’d love too.,phoebe,okay.  ‘jingle bitch screwed me over! go to hell jingle whore! go to hell go to hell. go to hell-hell-hell.’ that’s all i have so far.
ross,hey you guys i got some bad news.,phoebe,"well that’s no way to sell newspapers. why don’t you try, extra! extra! read all about it!"
rachel,hi pheebs!,phoebe,"hey! oh, how did baby shopping go?"
rachel,"oh, it was great! we got everything that we needed! oh and ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. a whore.",phoebe,what?!
rachel,"well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him.",phoebe,well did she know you two weren’t married?
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"oh my god! well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!"
rachel,you don’t understand! you didn’t see how brazen she was.,phoebe,sounds like you’re a little jealous.
rachel,no! i’m not! i-i-i just think it’s wrong! it’s-it’s that i’m—here i am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at sluts ‘r’ us!,phoebe,is that a real place?  are they hiring?
chandler,hey phoebe!  fatty!,phoebe,"hey chandler, why so fancy?"
chandler,"well, i got a job interview. it’s kinda a big deal too. its a lot more money and i’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.",phoebe,"wait, i think i know someone who does that."
rachel,oh yeah! you really—you look great.,phoebe,"yeah, just don’t get your hopes up."
chandler,why not?,phoebe,"well, the interview…"
chandler,what about it?,phoebe,y’know! you don’t make a very good first impression.
chandler,what?!,phoebe,oh you don’t know.
chandler,are you serious?!,phoebe,"yes, when i first met you, you were like, blah, blah, blah. i was like, shhh!"
chandler,what is it that i do?,phoebe,"well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. always making jokes, y’know, you just—you come off a little needy."
chandler,i can’t even believe this! i really come off that badly?,phoebe,"oh! it’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are."
chandler,"oh good. good, because i’m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.",phoebe,"all right, don’t freak out! okay? i-i will help you. how long before you have to leave?"
chandler,an hour.,phoebe,i can’t help you.
chandler,phoebe!,phoebe,"all right, all right, we’ll just do our best. okay? so let’s say i’m the interviewer and i’m meeting you for the first time. okay. hi! come on in, i’m uh, regina philange."
chandler,chandler bing.,phoebe,"bing, what an unusual name."
chandler,"…i think you’ll find if i come to work here, i don’t micro-manage. i don’t shy away from delegating.",phoebe,"um-hmm, that’s good to know. but let’s stop focusing on what you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do."
chandler,"what i do do…is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.",phoebe,i see. nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.
chandler,hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life.,phoebe,you gotta go!
chandler,oh!,phoebe,"okay, don’t worry. you’re ready."
chandler,really?,phoebe,absolutely! just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be great.
rachel,pheebs? could you get that? please?,phoebe,why? just cause youre too lazy to get up off your touchie?
rachel,no! no! its just that all the people in the entire world that i want to talk to are right here.,phoebe,okay!
rachel,sucker!,phoebe,hello?  hey joey!
joey,"hey pheebs! listen, uh can you do me a favor? i forgot the pin number to my atm card can, can you get it for me?",phoebe,sure! where is it?
joey,"uh, i scratched it on the atm machine down on the corner.",phoebe,ohh! so youre 5639?!
chandler,hey!,phoebe,"ooh, do you want to talk to chandler?"
a casino boss,hey! tribbiani! get back to work! break times over!,phoebe,who was that?
joey,"uhh pheebs, i heard that. can you put him on?",phoebe,yeah!
chandler,"uh, what was that?",phoebe,monica! im sorry im late!  monica?
monica,"phoebe?  oh, phoebe, im so sorry. have you been here long?",phoebe,its okay. what the hell took you so long?
monica,"okay, you can not tell chandler. okay? that i ran into richard.",phoebe,which richard?
monica,the richard.,phoebe,richard simmons?! oh my god!
monica,"noo! my ex-boyfriend richard! yknow the tall guy, moustache?",phoebe,"oh! okay, that actually makes more sense. so how was it?"
monica,"it was, it was really nice. we started talking and i-i ended up having lunch with him.",phoebe,that is so weird! i had a dream that youd have lunch with richard.
monica,really?,phoebe,"but again, simmons. go on."
monica,"the strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but i didnt feel anything at all!",phoebe,ooh! so now why cant we tell chandler?
monica,because it would totally freak him out and tomorrows our anniversary. i just dont want anything to spoil that.,phoebe,"oh, i cant believe you guys lasted a whole year!"
monica,i know.,phoebe,wow! i owe rachel 20 bucks!
monica,what?,phoebe,on a totally different bet.
chandler,i know. can you believe it? one year ago today i was just your annoying friend chandler.,phoebe,awww! now youre just my annoying friend chandler.
chandler,its a great idea.,phoebe,"okay, im gonna go too!"
chandler,"yknow pheebs, its kinda our  anniversary.",phoebe,"oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with london."
monica,"ditch you? phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!",phoebe,"uh-huh, great story! im going!"
rachel,hi!,phoebe,hey!
ross,hey!,phoebe,"hey, you guys, listen, this weekend were all gonna go to las vegas to surprise joey! including me!! you wanna go?!"
rachel,"well, i guess i could take a couple days off work.",phoebe,of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!
rachel,"okay. yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.",phoebe,"oh yeah, so you can walk around naked."
rachel,no! so i can be by myself. yknow? have a little alone time.,phoebe,naked alone time.
rachel,"no! phoebe just because im alone doesn’t mean i wanna walk around naked. i mean, you live alone, you dont walk around naked.",phoebe,uh-huh! why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?
chandler,so its pretty much the same pheebs.,phoebe,"okay, what about after i give you these candies?"
chandler,"yeah, i guess its a little better now.",phoebe,"ah-ha! okay,  las vegas 1, london 0! ill be right back."
chandler,ohh thats the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!,phoebe,"oh good! all right, so you decided to tell him about the richard thing."
chandler,what richard thing?,phoebe,simmons! go with simmons!
monica,great!,phoebe,"okay, london 1…"
rachel,"okay. oh wait! one more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of us?",phoebe,"hey you guys wait! guys!  this place is so much better than london! okay? this lady dressed like cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. huh!"
monica,"phoebe, you dont eat animals.",phoebe,"for 99 cents, id eat you.  okay, i can totally settle down here. its got everything i could ever want, including joey! look!  oh! look! hi!"
chandler,oh my god.,phoebe,hey! joey! hey! hey!! wow!
joey,what-what are you guys doing here? i thought i told you not to come.,phoebe,why are you dressed as a gladiator?
monica,i knew you were not okay with that.,phoebe,so youre a gladiator! wow!
joey,"yeah, what-whats going on?",phoebe,monica had lunch with richard.
joey,dawson?!,phoebe,noo! but that wouldve been so cool!
joey,"aww, there we go.",phoebe,i love vegas!
monica,thank you.,phoebe,thanks.
monica,i cant believe this! this is like the worst night ever!,phoebe,yknow monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with chandler. big deal! its only chandler.  i am so sorry.
monica,"this is crazy! i mean, its such a stupid argument. i dont even wanna see richard again.",phoebe,so go fix it! go find chandler! hes probably up in your room! tell him that youre sorry and that you love him.
monica,yknow what? youre right phoebe. youre right. thank you!,phoebe,"sure!   yeah! las vegas, number one!"
chandler,"no! no! i support you 100%! i just didnt, i didnt get it right away. yknow now im caught up! identical hand twins! its a million-dollar idea!",phoebe,hey!
joey,pheebs!!,phoebe,yeah?
joey,i found my identical hand twin!,phoebe,"ohh, you are so lucky!  hey! so, wheres monica? did you guys make up?"
chandler,no!,phoebe,but she just came up here!
chandler,that was joey!,phoebe,i wonder where she is. that is so weird.
chandler,"yeah, well, shes probably talking to richard.",phoebe,would you stop that! do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with richard? she didnt feel anything for him. she loves you!
chandler,really?,phoebe,"yes! now, she feels terrible! she really wants to make up! you gotta find her."
chandler,okay.,phoebe,good.  i should really start wearing hats!
rachel,"hello!  ohh, kids love me.",phoebe,hey!
ross,phoebe!,phoebe,you guys are here! yay!
rachel,hi!,phoebe,what? did you go to a costume party? let me guess umm pancho vila?  and youre bob saget.
rachel,pancho vila?,phoebe,yeah!
ross,"hey, you wet my pants!",phoebe,"whoa, what kind of party was this?"
ross,rach! wait! the mens room is that way.,phoebe,ugh!
ross,what?,phoebe,thats like the third time that ladys won on a machine i was playing.
ross,"oooohhh, ill bet shes one of those people.",phoebe,m-m-mole people?
ross,"what? no-no, a lurker.",phoebe,oh. whats a lurker?
ross,"okay when youre playing a machine and it hasnt paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then…",phoebe,kills you?
ross,no. they swoop in and steal your jackpot.,phoebe,ohhh!
ross,uh-hmm.,phoebe,how do you know about this?
ross,my nana used to do it. thats how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons.,phoebe,dance karate?
rachel,nope!,phoebe,get out of here you lurker!  go on! get!
chandler,hey pheebs!,phoebe,ohh! you made up!
chandler,"yeah, she couldnt live without the chan love.",phoebe,"ohh, get a room."
monica,we have one.,phoebe,i know. use it.
monica,i think so too.,phoebe,"oh well, lost again.  thats it! you and me, outside!"
the lurker,i dont want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!,phoebe,"be cool!  okay lady, your lurking days are over!"
the lurker,what?!,phoebe,"yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, im gonna lurk first! you move on to someone else, im gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! and then ill be on your ass every hour of every day til monday, because thats when i go home. when do you leave?"
the lurker,also monday.,phoebe,what time? maybe we can share a cab!
ross and rachel,hello!,phoebe,i won! i won! i finally won!
the lurker,i won! that was my quarter!,phoebe,fine! here! take a hike toots!
the security guard,is that true miss?,phoebe,sells drugs to kids.
the security guard,what?!,phoebe,she sells drugs to kids.
the security guard,was it her quarter?,phoebe,how about we talk about this over dinner?
the security guard,"okay lady, youre out of here.",phoebe,"no! no, you cant arrest me! no!! i wont go back! i wont go back to that hell hole!!"
the security guard,im just taking you outside!,phoebe,"oh, okay."
joey,ooh-ho-ho!,phoebe,"hello. my name is regina phalange. im a businesswoman in town on business. would you like to see my card?  ooh, what did i do with my file-a-facts? i mustve left it in conference room b."
joey,hit me!,phoebe,"oh my god! may i just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! theyre identical! now, ive never seen anything like that in the business world."
the security guard,didnt i just throw you out of here?,phoebe,"no, you threw out phoebe. im ms. regina phalange. phalange!"
monica,"i know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a halloween party.",phoebe,oh good!
joey,"well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—ooh-ooh, leatherface from the texas chainsaw massacre—no-no-no! slutty leatherface.",phoebe,now wasn’t joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
ross,"that’s right! he was hitting on her, and i got her. i guess the better man won.  please don’t take her from me.",phoebe,"ursula!  wait! err-err, it’s me! phoebe!"
ursula,"oh, i thought there was a mirror there. okay, bye-bye.",phoebe,"wait a second! so, what’s new with you?"
ursula,"umm, nothing. i mean, i’m getting married next week.",phoebe,what?!
ursula,"yeah! yeah, it’s gonna be a small ceremony. just family.  his.",phoebe,"huh. okay. well, i’m really happy for you."
ursula,"wait! if umm, if you want to come, i guess that’d be okay.",phoebe,really?
ursula,sure! why not? you could be my sister for the day.,phoebe,"yeah. okay. umm, y’know, my friends are having a halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. maybe i could meet the guy you’re marrying."
ursula,"huh. well, i’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. i’m supposed to be working right now, so who cares.",phoebe,"by the way, it’s a costume party."
ursula,"oh! okay, so that’s why you’re…",phoebe,no. but thanks.
rachel,yeah. sure.,phoebe,"ah, catwoman. so we meet again."
monica,so we do supergirl.,phoebe,"no, it’s me. phoebe!"
joey,okay. i’m chandler,phoebe,that is so you!
rachel,"yeah i know, but one of them just said that she loved me so i just gave her everything.",phoebe,no wonder your pregnant.
eric,aren’t you gonna give me a kiss?,phoebe,"okay, i will. but right after you tell me who the hell you are."
eric,ursula?,phoebe,ursula’s fianc�e?
eric,"oh my god, you’re the sister!",phoebe,yeah.
eric,"okay, i just slapped my future sister-in-law’s ass.",phoebe,yeah.
eric,"i’m an idiot. uh, is your mother here? maybe i can give her a little slap on the butt.",phoebe,my mother killed herself.
eric,"she, now i knew that and…now i’m sweating. look at me, i’m really sweating—now i’m saying, look at me, i’m getting even sweatier. i think i probably should go.",phoebe,"no-no! that’s okay, we’ll just start over. okay? hi! i’m phoebe."
eric,eric.,phoebe,why are you looking at me like that?
eric,‘cause the sweat’s getting in my eyes and its burning.,phoebe,"okay.  so, what are you?"
eric,i don’t think they have a name for it. it’s just i get nervous; i start sweating like crazy.,phoebe,no i-i meant your costume.
eric,"oh umm, i’m the solar system.  yeah, my students helped me make it—i teach the second grade.",phoebe,i love the second grade!
eric,really?,phoebe,yeah! it’s so much better than first grade when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than third grade. y’know with all the politics and mind games.
eric,so what do you do?,phoebe,"umm, i’m a masseuse…by day."
eric,"y’know you don’t have to stand here with me, believe me…",phoebe,no i’m having fun. i’m really—and i’m really-really excited for you and ursula.
eric,"oh i feel very lucky, she’s great. i think she’s the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen.",phoebe,thank you.
joey,"i would say, woman, please!",phoebe,"hey. ursula’s fianc�e is really sweet! he’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. y’know normally y’know, i don’t like really sweaty guys. but this one? i could just mop him up!"
monica,"oh my god, phoebe!",phoebe,what?
monica,you’re getting a crush on your sister’s fianc�e.,phoebe,no i’m not! you are!
eric,hey beautiful.,phoebe,hello handsome.  oh god.  oh look at you two. so when did you guys meet?
eric,two weeks ago.,phoebe,two weeks? that’s it?
eric,"yeah, i know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common.",phoebe,oh really?
eric,we’re both teachers.,phoebe,huh?
eric,and we were both in the peace corps.,phoebe,"peace corps, really?"
chandler,that means nothing to me.  come on!,phoebe,hi liar!
ursula,hey!,phoebe,y’know the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
ursula,well they could be true.,phoebe,but they’re not!
ursula,"yeah, it’s a fine line huh?",phoebe,why are you lying to him?
eric,"well, it was nice meeting you.",phoebe,you too. and ursula?! it was really nice meeting you tonight!!
monica,oh god!,phoebe,hmm?
eric,hey. ursula said she left her purse.,phoebe,oh.
eric,what a relief. it has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.,phoebe,"sure it does. yeah, yeah."
eric,"well, i guess i’ll see you at the wedding.",phoebe,"umm listen, i don’t think…i don’t think i’m gonna make it to the wedding. so i just want to wish you all the luck in the world."
eric,i think we’ll be okay. besides it’s so perfect and she’s been saving herself for me.,phoebe,okay i can’t let you do this! she’s lying to you.
eric,what?,phoebe,"she is lying! and i bet i can prove it. excuse me.  okay. okay. yeah—not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan.  okay, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! not a teacher, a waitress. all right, here’s her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. how old did she say she was?"
eric,she told me she was 25.,phoebe,"oh, i almost don’t want to show this.  just remember i’m a minute younger."
eric,i am so stupid. of course she was lying! she’s not a teacher. there’s not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.,phoebe,"no. you’re not, you’re not stupid."
eric,i’m not smart.  i just wanted so much to…be impulsive once. to be romantic.,phoebe,"that’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. just…you did it with the wrong person.  what?"
eric,"i’d better go, deal…",phoebe,"yeah, you should."
ross,"no, but come on, we’re off to a great start aren’t we? i knew i’d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!",phoebe,oh you made it!
marc,look at this!  there we go!,phoebe,"oh wow, three hours and still no baby. ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest."
monica,"hey, you wanna see something?",phoebe,sure! what?
monica,what?! are you kidding me?! you-you-you think we’re ready to have a baby now?!,phoebe,"oh, this is fun."
ross,…she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why i’m not with rachel.,phoebe,yeah.  why aren’t you with rachel?
ross,"are you kidding? look, we’re not gonna be together just because we’re having a baby. okay?",phoebe,but y’know what? it just seems that you two belong together.
ross,"okay, stop it! i can’t deal with this right now. i have to go have a baby.",phoebe,right. and with who again?
joey,god. he’s crazy! why doesn’t he want to be with rachel?,phoebe,i know!
joey,come on you stupid machine! come on!,phoebe,"oh, it ate your money?"
joey,no.,phoebe,"all right, i’ll see you downstairs then."
joey,all right.,phoebe,all right.
man,hi!,phoebe,hi.
man,"oh uh, up or down?",phoebe,oh down please.  i-i hate to be a ball buster can i just do it?
man,could you press up too please?,phoebe,sure! i feel so bad for you; i broke my leg once too.
man,oh yeah? how’d yours happen?,phoebe,"well, it’s a long story. it’s kind of embarrassing. let’s just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual.  how about you?"
man,car accident.,phoebe,oh.
man,"yeah. me.  oh hey, that’s me.  hey uh, i take it you’re just visiting someone.",phoebe,"uh-huh, yeah."
man,"well umm, if you have sometime y’know and maybe you might want to visit someone else…",phoebe,oh yeah! i-i would like that.
man,i’m in the middle…,phoebe,wait! what?! no!! elevator!! no!
woman,"mine haven’t been so bad. oh! here comes one now.  oh, that was a big one!",phoebe,"excuse me? could you help me with something? the patient i’m looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. and umm, he’s like early to mid-thirties, very attractive."
nurse,i think i know who you’re talking about.,phoebe,"oh yay! great! okay, what room number is he in?"
joey,damnit woman we’re losing precious time! now do you want this man’s blood on your head?,phoebe,hands.
joey,"816, thank you!",phoebe,thank you.
joey,and what is his name?,phoebe,no!
chandler,"yes, 98.6. you’re gonna be fine.",phoebe,"ooh, this is it!  oh, that’s him! that’s him!"
joey,great! go get him.,phoebe,"wait a second, or maybe you can go in first."
joey,he’s not really my type.,phoebe,"no not you, dr. drake remoray. you can ask him questions and see what’s he like. people tell doctors everything."
joey,but you said he was this great guy!,phoebe,"but lately all the guys i meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks."
ross,sid you lucky deaf bastard.,phoebe,what else? what else?
joey,"uh, well he’s 33.",phoebe,oh. ah-uh.
joey,a widower.,phoebe,oh.
joey,"he seemed like a stand up guy. oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually.",phoebe,enter pheebs.
chandler,that’s funny. does it-does it hurt? does the labor hurt?,phoebe,"okay i’ve got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?"
cliff,"i’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least i can explain to him that you’re making me eat him.",phoebe,somebody went to college. wow.  what is it? i’m sorry.
cliff,"no, i’m sorry. it’s just my foot itches like crazy.",phoebe,"oh, i’ll get it."
cliff,wow! i usually get to know a girl a little better before i let her spoon me.,phoebe,"relax, it’s not like we’re forking."
cliff,is this the same spoon that was in my cast?,phoebe,y’know what? this one is.
cliff,oh my god! that’s the doctor who was in my room before!,phoebe,"huh. okay, mr. perkazet."
cliff,"i’m telling you! the guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!",phoebe,"cliff, do you really believe that a character from a tv show was here in your room?"
cliff,that-that’s him! you know him?,phoebe,"okay. okay. i—okay umm…this…i-i sent my friend joey in here to find out stuff about you. umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. a lot better than i’m coming off right now."
cliff,and then you tried to make me think that i was crazy.,phoebe,"you’re right, that was wrong. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. it’s just that i liked you so much. can we just, can we just start over?"
joey,"uh, if i may? umm-umm look, cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? and maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. oh! oh! her-her twin sister used to do porn!",phoebe,"uh joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy."
joey,right!,phoebe,"umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. and i don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot."
rachel,hello baby girl.,phoebe,can we come in?
ross,"oh, come in.",phoebe,hi!
joey,there she is!,phoebe,"oh, she’s so beautiful."
joey,"oh no-no, no for i second there i counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good.",phoebe,"okay, my turn. my turn.  oh! you’re so cute! oh, i could squeeze your little head!  i won’t."
rachel,i was reliving it.,phoebe,ohhh.
chandler,"so, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?",phoebe,"oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be baby girl? i thought that was so original!"
ross,"so i guess we’re back to uh, baby girl.",phoebe,yay!
rachel,that’s all right.  and so it begins.,phoebe,is she in there?
ross,"yeah. she’s putting her down now, that’s her.",phoebe,oh!
ross,look at emma!,phoebe,"i just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or rachel?"
ross,"oh what are you kidding? she’s gorgeous, it’s all rachel.",phoebe,"i’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together again?  no, i know. i know, because you’re not in that place. which would be fine, except you totally are."
ross,it’s…it’s complicated okay?,phoebe,"yeah that’s true. yeah, you love her. you always have. you have a child together. there is no right answer."
ross,"look, we’ve been together. okay? and then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby.  it’s just if-if we got together again and it didn’t work out…i could never do that to emma. i mean she-she thinking everything— oh that’s…now me. what do they put something in the water in this place? since rachel and i we’re doing really, we’re doing really well right now.",phoebe,"i know. i know. i know. i know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it."
ross,"yeah, exactly.",phoebe,right.  or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.
monica,you’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh?,phoebe,hi!
monica,hi sweetie!,phoebe,come on in!
monica,"oh, so much fun. but the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back.",phoebe,that was the best part?  good honeymooning tiger.
monica,this is different! greg and jenny are in a relationship.,phoebe,"oh, greg and jenny yuck!  hi greg, i’m chandler this is monica. hi monica, this is jenny. hi jenny. hi greg."
chandler,we really…didn’t get a chance to…,phoebe,you have got to be kidding me!
monica,"all right, so now that ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? i mean, when did it happen? how many times did it happen?",phoebe,monica! that’s not right! start with where.
ross,"i can show you, i have it on videotape!  it’s an expression.",phoebe,i can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex!
chandler,y’know who has a great video camera?,phoebe,greg and jenny?
chandler,what?,phoebe,you got fake numbered.
joey,"y’know what? don’t worry about it, you still got me and phoebe.",phoebe,"excuse me, i don’t want greg and jenny’s rejects."
ross,rachel won’t talk to me! she won’t even open the door!,phoebe,"hmm, i wonder why. pervert!"
ross,"okay, listen i am not a pervert!",phoebe,"that’s like the pervert motto! yeah! yeah! they have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!"
joey,"oh yeah?  hi, ken adams, nice to meet you.",phoebe,regina philange.
rachel,i am not gonna show you this!,phoebe,"no! not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it."
ross,"forget it, she’s destroying it.",phoebe,"okay fine! fine! we’ll just have to think of some other way to put the whole ‘who came onto who,’ thing to rest! come on now, think!!"
rachel,there i am.,phoebe,you’re gonna get pregnant.
rachel,"okay, get ready to see some beggin’!",phoebe,"oh, you came on to ross!"
ross,"you complete me kitchen, matey!",phoebe,"ross, i know what you’re thinking."
ross,what?,phoebe,"that she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. y’know? you’re just, you’re very sad."
ross,oh…my…god! i-i see what this is! you are in love with rachel!,phoebe,what?!!
ross,"of course! it all adds up! i mean you you’re obsessed with her. it’s always, ross, what are you gonna do about rachel? ross, why-why are you moving in with rachel? when are you gonna confess your secret marriage to rachel? you want her!",phoebe,no!
ross,"i know! anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! i mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. how great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? professor geller.",phoebe,"yeah, professor and mrs."
rachel,and mrs.?!,phoebe,"oh! yeah, y’know you and ross are still married."
rachel,what?!!,phoebe,just kidding!
rachel,ohh! oh god!,phoebe,saved your ass.
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hi.
chandler,"oh, what’s the matter?",phoebe,"well, you know that psychic i see?"
chandler,yeah?,phoebe,"well, she told me that i’m gonna die this week, so i’m kinda bummed about that."
chandler,what?!,phoebe,"yeah, and i know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get."
rachel,yeah honey you don’t believe her do you?,phoebe,i don’t—she said y’know that i’d have triplets! but she also said one of them would be black.
chandler,just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?,phoebe,"no, ‘cause she didn’t tell me i was gonna die until the very end of the session, and i was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! i mean i’ve only got a week left, y’know? i’ve really gotta start living now! (so she picks up the latest copy of car and driver , leans back, and starts reading.)"
ross,there are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…,phoebe,"oh, this is it. this what’s gonna kill me."
joey,…look both ways before you cross the street.,phoebe,hey!
rachel,"hey pheebs, you’re still alive! how are you doing?",phoebe,"ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. ohh, by the way, do you think you could—"
rachel,"pheebs, what-what are you doing?",phoebe,i was preparing you for my—didn’t you think i was dead? did that not come off?
rachel,"oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. i thought we’d lost you forever. pheebs, you lie down?",phoebe,"yeah, thanks. and listen, can you do me a favor? could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can."
joey,"thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and i don’t want that hanging over my head. okay? besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in i can get all the free operations i want! yeah, i’m thinking i’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.",phoebe,hey!
joey,hey!,phoebe,what’s going on?
joey,"look, i’m telling you if i put my hand on my stomach right here  it doesn’t hurt that bad.",phoebe,hey! maybe you’ll die!
joey,"sure, now i’m scared.",phoebe,"no, we can go together! just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘cause i’m outta here sometime before friday."
joey,"yeah, but i don’t wanna die!",phoebe,"no-no, it’ll be fun! we can come back and we can haunt these guys!"
rachel,"okay! hello ross, this is dr. mcneeley from the fake accent university, we’d like you to come on board with us full time!",phoebe,hey!
rachel,hey!,phoebe,"listen to this! my reading was wrong, i’m not going die!"
rachel,really?! how do you know?,phoebe,because my psychic is dead! she must’ve read the cards wrong!
rachel,"oh, i’m sorry.",phoebe,"eh, better her than me! hey, let’s bake cookies!"
ross,"well, hello rachel! ending credits",phoebe,have you really done this before?
joey,"yeah! yeah! yeah! you just take a big, big swing. now, don’t hold back. (he dons his protective helmet  and phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as chandler and monica enter.)",phoebe,hey!
chandler,what are you doing?,phoebe,we’re just celebrating that joey got his health insurance back.
ross,youre welcome for a delicious dinner.,phoebe,"yeah, come to papa."
rachel,well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.,phoebe,"yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasnt come yet?"
chandler,"oh, it wasnt a big deal. i just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the authors grandchildren.",phoebe,"yeah, and what a great way to say, i secretly love you, roommates girlfriend!"
monica,because i dont have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. i mean theres no way.,phoebe,"wow, what is with all the negativity? you sound like monicant , not monican...  ...monica. look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. do you want to be a caterer or not?"
monica,really? cause id need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.,phoebe,"okay! its worth it, if it will get you moving. you havent worked in months."
rachel,"no! im sorry, honey, its just that last week i got all but three answers and i really want to finish a whole one without any help.",phoebe,fine. but you cant help me develop my new universal language.
cheryl,"okay, um, dont take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell.",phoebe,"oh, all right. oh! look what we almost took!"
monica,"oh, phoebe, she couldnt stop crying! with those thick glasses, her tears looked giant.",phoebe,"i know, its tough. you know what the first thing i did after my mothers funeral was?"
monica,"maybe i can try at intermission? phoebe, come on... you know what? lets just go!",phoebe,"no! hey, were not leaving until we get paid! i dont know who she thinks she is! enough is enough!  hey, widow?"
monica,"cause i was going by it the other day and i saw that there was a stock with my initials, meg, on it and, well, sometimes i have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, its pretty exciting.",phoebe,"ok, right there. that, thats the third sign today. right there."
rachel,"monica, what are you talking about? you dont know the first thing about the stock market.",phoebe,"no no no, doggie please. oh, i do so wanna love all animals, please no."
little bully,"well then heres the deal, you wont have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.",phoebe,"i just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. i mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. its just like, i have no family left, ya know. i mean except for my grandmother, you know, but lets face it, shes not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. and i have a sister who ive barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. i dont know, this is my real father and i just, i want things to be like just right."
monica,"meg was good for me but i dumped her. ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.",phoebe,"ok, i talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. anyway, he said that the little fellas gonna be ok and i can pick him up tomorrow."
rachel,"ok, so phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?",phoebe,"i, i dont wanna meet my father over the phone.  what am i gonna say, like hi, im phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. oh, by the way, i broke your dog."
monica,"but i need it. otherwords im gonna have to take that horrible diner job. you know, with the dancing and the costumes. i dont wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.",phoebe,"it was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. shes a vegetarian."
frank,"yeah, he loved stilts. one time i was upstairs, i was stealing cigarettes out of my moms purse, and uh, all of a sudden i look over and theres my dads head bobbing past the window. he just had this big smile on his face and he was waving cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.",phoebe,"im not gonna. but you know whats cool though? ok, if you had a friend named pete, then i could say, oh yeah, i know pete, hes friends with my brother."
ross,"ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and theres extra milk in the fridge, and theres extra diapers in the bag.",phoebe,"hey rach, wanna hear the new song im thinkin of singing this afternoon? i wrote it this morning in the shower."
terry,"rachel, its not that your friend is bad, its that shes so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.",phoebe,"lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed."
caroline,"you know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. what agency did you two go through?",phoebe,"but, but this is my gig. this is where i play. my, my name is written out there in chalk. you know, you cant just erase chalk."
rachel,"oh, no, no no. i meant that hes gonna be paying that other woman beause shes a professional.",phoebe,"no, huh uh, im sorry, no. no, im not some like sloppy second, charity band. you know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play.  when i play, i play for me, i dont need your charity.  thank you! la la la la la la la...."
ross,"oh, im sorry, im really sorry. sorry. sorry! hey! hey! i got my ss back! which we can celebrate later. celebrate.",phoebe,"... with the double double double-jointed boy. hey. so um, are you the professional guitar player?"
joey,"hi, heres the deal. we lost a carseat on a bus today. its white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. oh, and there was a baby in it. he wants to talk to you again.",phoebe,"terrys a jerk, and he wont let me work, and i hate central perk!"
joey,"or clowns. oh, oh wait. that ones definitely ben. remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.",phoebe,"eight dollars and 27 cents. but not really, cause i put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better."
rachel,"well, you know, honey, i dont think everybody gets smelly cat. you know, i mean, if all youve ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!",phoebe,"its not even that. i used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now its like, its just all about the money."
ross,"ohhh. big boy, riding the bus--hey, i have a question. how come it says property of human services on his butt?",phoebe,"ok, there is no top. thats the beauty of smelly cat. um, why dont you just follow me?"
together,"smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? smelly cat, smelly cat, its not your fault.",phoebe,thats too much. sorry.
ross,"all right, i gotta go. im taking ben to the park.",phoebe,"ohh, give him a kiss for me!"
monica,bye!,phoebe,bye!
ross,later!,phoebe,i am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. i didnt mean to be so out there. i am furious with him!
chandler,"wow umm, calm down.",phoebe,"im trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!"
monica,why are so mad at him?,phoebe,"look, i dont wanna talk about it. okay?"
monica,"well, it just seems that…",phoebe,you wanna be on my list too? keep talking! has anyone seem my list by the way?
chandler,"uh, no pheebs. whats it look like?",phoebe,"uh, its a piece of paper and it says, ross on it."
joey,"its called shutter speed, its really cool! yeah, umm, i meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? and then, she disappears… but i find out where she lives and when i get there this like old lady answers the door and i say, wheres betsy? right? and she says, betsys been dead for 10 years.",phoebe,"ohh-oh, chilling!"
joey,"road trip! yeah, we can rent a car! i just have to be there by tuesday!",phoebe,"oh wait, my grandmothers dead."
chandler,"well, uh, we can talk about that too pheebs.",phoebe,"no! no, her cab! she probably wont be using it; you can drive it to las vegas."
monica,"no. if you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! all right, lets go blinky!  chandler!!!!",phoebe,oh hey joey! whats up?
joey,"i cant decide which route to take to vegas. hey, youve traveled a lot right?",phoebe,"yeah, ive been around."
joey,"okay, so-so which route should i take the northern route or the southern route?",phoebe,"ooh, if you take the northern route theres a man in illinois with a beard of bees. {okay, i must protest this, ive lived in illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}"
joey,great! problem solved!,phoebe,but on the southern route theres a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
joey,"well, back to square one.",phoebe,"oh, i know a way that you can decide! all right, im going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can."
joey,yes!,phoebe,"good, but wait. okay, all right, here we go. now i want you to relax. take a deep breath. clear your mind.  which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?"
joey,peanut butter!,phoebe,which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?
joey,a swimmer!,phoebe,who would you rather sleep with monica or rachel?
joey,"monica. oh… huh, i always thought it would be rachel.",phoebe,no thinking! no thinking! tie or ascot?
joey,ascot!,phoebe,north route or south route?
joey,north route!,phoebe,bamn! there you go! huh?
ross,hey!,phoebe,"oh, this guy again."
joey,"oh, i know how we can decide. phoebe, show him your game!",phoebe,"umm, no thank you."
joey,"man, i wish ross was coming with us! yknow? im gonna miss him!",phoebe,thanks a lot! i just got that jerk out of my mind!
chandler,"all right, bye-bye now!",phoebe,bye!
ross,"hey pheebs, what cha reading?  pheebs? hello?  phoebe?  phoe-phoebe!  come on!",phoebe,"oh, im sorry. i didnt see you there."
ross,"phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? cause if are please, tell me what it is i did!",phoebe,"well, if you dont know i cant help you."
ross,"well, i dont know.",phoebe,"well, i cant help you."
ross,"well, whatever it is im-im very, very sorry. okay?",phoebe,apology accepted.
ross,"okay. so were, were good?",phoebe,uh-huh.
ross,"all right.  ill uh, ill see you later, okay?",phoebe,"bye, fat ass."
ross,all right!! phoebe now come on! will you please tell me what it is i did that mad you so mad at me!,phoebe,i dont know! i dont remember!
ross,"well if you cant remember, cant we just forget about this?",phoebe,"oh no, i am mad at you. i know that much. but, i am sorry about the fat ass thing. you actually have a very sweet little hiney."
ross,"okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?",phoebe,no.
ross,are you angry at me because i said your handwriting is childlike?,phoebe,no that made me feel precious.
chandler,"i dont know! he went crazy! yknow, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.",phoebe,that game should not be played without my supervision.
chandler,"well, i dont know what mad him so mad, yknow? all i said was that uh, i didnt think this wasnt gonna be his big break, that this movie wasnt going to do anything for him, and that uh, yknow it didnt sound like a real movie--okay, he shouldve pushed me off of the bridge.",phoebe,whats in the bag?
chandler,"oh, i figured you guys would all be mad at me. so i got you some gifts that i found on the side of the road.  who wants the teddy bear with one leg?",phoebe,i do!
rachel,"wow, yknow if joey and chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune!",phoebe,"ooh that is definitely chandler, joey, or ross.  or-or rachel!"
monica,"yeah, shes here. hold on a second.",phoebe,"hey, dude!"
joey,"hey pheebs! listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. what-what is it?",phoebe,oh thats my grandma.  and thanks joey shes having a really great time.
chandler,is that joey? is that joey? let me talk to him! i wanna talk to him!,phoebe,"okay joey? chandlers here, he was wondering…  okay, i guess he ran out of change."
chandler,thats a good idea. i wonder where i could  get a basket of porn…,phoebe,"no, dont-dont say im sorry with porn!"
chandler,really?,phoebe,yknow what you should send him? a cartoon of cigarettes. cause that why he could trade it for protection. no. thats prison.
ross,"okay pheebs, i know how were going to figure this out. okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. okay?",phoebe,uh-hmm.
ross,what do you like better flora or fauna?,phoebe,fauna.
ross,who would you rather be simon or garfunkle?,phoebe,garfunkle.
ross,why are you mad at me?,phoebe,you said i was boring--ohh!
ross,when did i say you were boring?!,phoebe,"oh my god, i remember now! we were playing chess!"
ross,phoebe! you and i have never played chess!,phoebe,"oh, come on! yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? we were playing chess, you said i was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were cameron diaz!  okay, theres a chance this may have been a dream."
ross,hey you guys!,phoebe,hey!
ross,yeah!,phoebe,"its really crazy! the hall, the dress, the food... i-i had no idea how expensive this stuff was!"
chandler,"yeah it is really pricey. i mean, i freaked when i first heard the numbers.",phoebe,so what did you two do about it?
ross,"yeah, and im responsible for just like half of that.",phoebe,"but really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use?"
mike,are you serious?,phoebe,"yeah! now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at city hall?"
charity guy,may i help you?,phoebe,yes. were here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children.
charity guy,"well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated.",phoebe,"well, i think youre gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one"
charity guy,"well, this is very generous!",phoebe,and we dont want any recognition. this is completely anonymous.
mike,completely anonymous. from two kind strangers.,phoebe,mr. x and phoebe buffay.
mike,not necessary.,phoebe,buffay is spelled b-u-f-f-a-y.
charity guy,"right. well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much.",phoebe,"sure, i so glad we did this. it feels so good!"
mike,it does. it feels really good!,phoebe,"oh, look! and we get these free t-shirts!"
charity guy,"oh, actually, thats the shirt i wore to the gym.",phoebe,mhm... its moist.
chandler,here we go. stand up straight.  big smile.,phoebe,"hello, is this the creepy residence?"
monica,"we’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, i’m glad you’re here. i was cleaning this morning and i found this . i don’t know if you wanna use it, but…",phoebe,"awe, this is so sweet of you! but you know what? i won’t be needing a veil, i actually won’t be wearing a dress at all!"
monica,i told you! i am not coming to a naked wedding!,phoebe,"no, no, no, we’re not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity."
monica,that’s crazy! . i am sorry. i just can’t imagine giving up my one wedding day like that!,phoebe,"we, you know, we’re different! we don’t care about having a huge party.  this is really nice for you, but, oh, please, i put this on?  and, ow, i look , why, well, radiant.  all right, well, who cares, i don’t need a pretty veil and a fancy dress."
monica,"that’s right. you’re making a commitment and that’s the same, whether you do that at the plaza or, where are you gonna do it?",phoebe,city hall.
monica,"ow!  oh, that sounds nice! i am just there for jury duty. they really spruce that place up!",phoebe,"it’s ok, it’s ok. i made my decision. what i really want is a great big wedding"
chandler,but you already gave all your money to charity!,phoebe,"well, i’ll just ask for it back!"
mike,we’re seriously asking for our money back?,phoebe,"it’s for our wedding day! right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting."
charity guy,"wow! are you here to make another donation the same day? i don’t think that that’s ever happened before. phoebe : gay, go. mike : oh my god, i love your shirt!",phoebe,"the donation we made earlier, we k…, we w…, we want it back."
charity guy,excuse me?,phoebe,"yeah. see, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn’t want, but it turns out we do."
mike,yeah! this feels really good.,phoebe,"i am sorry. i am, but this wedding is just really important to me."
charity guy,"hey, it’s not my business,  besides it’s probably a good thing. we really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing…",phoebe,"hey, that’s not fair! a person’s wedding is important! and especially to me! ok? i didn’t have a graduation party! and i didn’t go to prom. and i spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. so i deserve a real celebration and i am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it."
mike,"you never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. oh, ugh. im sorry about that.",phoebe,oh! it ended okay. one of my friends shot him.
mike,"well, hey, at least youre getting a proper wedding. i mean, you really deserve that.",phoebe,"yeah, i really do. you know, i had nothing growing up.  just like the kids i took the money from."
mike,"no! no, no. i see where this is going. dont make me go back there.",phoebe,"look, i cant have a wedding with this money now. its tainted."
mike,"alright, fine. well give the money back.",phoebe,"and if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasnt shot anyone in a really long time."
joey,laura!,phoebe,were back!
mike,"no, no, were here to give the money back.",phoebe,"yeah, because you know what, its... its all about the children."
charity guy,"on behalf of the children of new york, i reject your money.",phoebe,but... but... but were giving you this!
charity guy,yeah... and im giving it back to you... come on! consider it a contribution.,phoebe,"well, this is very generous!"
charity guy,"absolutely! and when you do, make sure you ask for brian.",phoebe,"oh, is that you?"
joey,"yeah, yeah, it’s already generating oscar buzz.",phoebe,i started that!
rachel,god.  i have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!,phoebe,"oh i know, i’ve been there. i remember toward the end…"
rachel,"they sent me home from work. they were like, start your maternity leave now! just rest, get ready for the baby. well y’know what? screw ‘em! if they don’t want me there, i’ll just hang out with you guys.",phoebe,or you can do volunteer work.
monica,star in a movie.,phoebe,"joey, you pick who ever you want. okay? you just listen to your heart. what does it tell you?  phoebe, phoebe."
joey,well uh…i think i want to take chandler.,phoebe,phoebe-phoebe-phoebe-phoebe—burrrrr!
joey,thanks. that means a lot to me.,phoebe,"mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress."
rachel,"oh, i have to pee. if i don’t come out in five minutes it’s because i’ve choked to death on the potpourri stink.",phoebe,"when she comes out, you hold her nose, i’ll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just  right out of her."
monica,"she’s over a week late! she gotta have it today, right?",phoebe,i don’t know. i-i think it’s still gonna be a while.
monica,"hmm, care to make it interesting? i’ll bet you that she’ll have it by this time tomorrow.",phoebe,you’re on!
monica,"okay, how much?",phoebe,one hundred thousand dollars!
monica,how about fifty bucks?,phoebe,fine! i’ll call zurich and move some money around.
rachel,"all right, who’s turn is it to help me get up!",phoebe,no one’s here!  oh damnit!
chandler,it’s just so glamorous.,phoebe,"oh hey mon? rach is here! ohh, you’re still pregnant. oh, i’m sorry. i know how uncomfortable you are. y’know what? you look great. yeah, like fifty bucks."
monica,damnit! damnit!! here’s your fifty bucks!,phoebe,"it’s interesting that you lost. now, i forget, do you like to lose?"
monica,now stop it! double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow!,phoebe,fine! you’re on!
monica,okay.,phoebe,"until then, general grant, why don’t you set up camp  right there."
ross,really? you don’t think that’s a little inappropriate.,phoebe,good god man don’t anger it.
monica,"i’m just saying it’s been a really long time for you. i mean, women have needs. do it, get yours!",phoebe,"oh i-i don’t know about that. no, i think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic."
monica,two hundred.,phoebe,thank you!
monica,"that’s it. i’m done. i don’t care when the baby comes, no more betting.",phoebe,okay.
monica,hello?  uh-huh.  uh-huh.  okay.  i guess we can bet one more time.,phoebe,is rachel having the baby?
monica,how did you know that?!  joey! chandler!! it’s time!,phoebe,they’re at the coffeehouse.
monica,"you know everything!! oh wait, double or nothing. i bet you the baby is over seven pounds.  i bet you it has hair.  i bet you it’s a girl.",phoebe,we know it’s a girl!
rachel,i know!,phoebe,okay!
erin,or i’ll call you!,phoebe,and call me!
rachel,"oh joey, i’m sorry i just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. and y’know we got to talking and i…",phoebe,we want you to marry her!
joey,what?!!,phoebe,she is so amazing! you have no idea.
rachel,cupid.,phoebe,"joey, she’s so cool. she speaks four languages."
joey,"my beers?! look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. okay? we had a good time, but i just—i don’t see it going anywhere.",phoebe,"yeah, but you always say that."
joey,"look i’m sorry you guys, i-i just don’t think so.",phoebe,whatever.
rachel,phoebe!,phoebe,secret affair!
joey,i like to see the previews.  the candy.,phoebe,oh. hey!
rachel,"oh phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.",phoebe,oh no.
joey,hey.,phoebe,hey!
joey,"oh, unbelievable! we had the best time!",phoebe,"yay!! oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?"
joey,"no! no! no! you guys were totally right! this is so much better than the first time we went out. y’know? that was so awkward, we were really nervous.",phoebe,didn’t you sleep together?
erin,kinda.,phoebe,then change it back!
erin,i’m sorry i… it’s just there’s no real spark.,phoebe,no spark? didn’t you sleep together?
rachel,"ugh, tramp!",phoebe,does joey have any idea?
erin,"i really don’t think he does. and y’know what? maybe you guys could help clue him in. y’know, tell him i’m-i’m not interested in a serious relationship or something.",phoebe,"yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner."
erin,yeah! that would be great!,phoebe,"yeah, and maybe that you’re a real"
erin,i’m sorry?,phoebe,"oh well, i guess italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak."
rachel,"wow. well, i guess it was cupid who brought her here.",phoebe,"no, just a regular old flying dwarf."
joey,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,hi!,phoebe,"so how was, how was your date?"
joey,"oh, it was great! i mean we walked all around the village. we went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… and guess what, i’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.",phoebe,oh really? she said she wants to go away with you?
joey,"no hey rach, it’s cool okay? y’know i’m a loner too!  right?",phoebe,"hey joey, y’know what? you are way to good for her."
chandler,"it just keeps getting worse and worse! yknow? i mean it’s bad enough that i’m in love with my roommates girlfriend—which by the way, i think she knows. because every time we’re in the room together there’s this weird like energy between us. and call me crazy, but i think she likes me too. and now i have seen her naked. i mean at least when i’ve seen her with clothes on, i could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. but there are no boles, she’s smooth! smooth!",phoebe,wow! could everyone totally see up his robe?
joey,who’s elaine?,phoebe,"little, tiny tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. swinging with the greatest of ease… darn it! now, i don’t know who to get to the next verse."
ross,"oh, you could just go uh, greatest of ease…  bah-bah-bha-bhannn. then go right into it.",phoebe,"yeah, ooh, i like that! yeah. wait! how do you know about ‘bah-bah-bha-bhan?’"
ross,"well umm, y’know, i used to play.",phoebe,"oh yeah, that’s right, the keyboards, huh?"
monica,"he used to lock himself in the basement for hours. no one was every allowed to hear, the sound.",phoebe,i wanna hear the sound.
ross,"really? no. i mean, nah, i haven’t played in so long, and-and, well it’s-it’s really personal stuff, y’know?",phoebe,"come on, play that funky music white boy."
chandler,"really, bitchin’!",phoebe,"wow, it was so—wow!"
rachel,"oh, i can’t believe i ever let him touch me with those fingers.",phoebe,"what are you guys talking about, i loved it! it was soo moving. oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear."
monica,"yknow, there’s a starbucks about three blocks down.",phoebe,it’s so inspired! look at him! look at him go!
monica,"hey, aren’t you up next?",phoebe,"oh no, i’m not playing tonight."
rachel,why not?,phoebe,i can’t follow ross! it’d be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed the beetles. no.
rachel,"phoebe, the place has emptied because of him.",phoebe,"oh my god, he’s not even appreciated in his own time. i would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time!"
rachel,"yeah, phoebe you’re… awful!",phoebe,you guys. you suck too.
ross,hey!,phoebe,"hey! you were really great! you were really, really great!"
ross,"oh, thanks, thanks. so monica tells me that uh, you don’t want to play anymore because me and yknow my talent. is that true?",phoebe,"well, kinda. yeah. yeah."
ross,pheebs…,phoebe,"yeah, i-i can’t—i mean y’know i was trying to be really yknow okay and upbeat about it, i just—i feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. i…"
ross,"see but, pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. y’know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then i… i won’t play anymore.",phoebe,"oh no. no-no-no, don’t do that! how could i live with myself if i knew i was depriving the world of your music."
monica,are you serious?,phoebe,does joey know?
chandler,"oh, don’t say that! don’t say that. that’s not true. is it?",phoebe,"i think maybe, yeah."
ross,"well, i said-i said something to phoebe.",phoebe,"yeah! no, that’s right. and i thought it was a really good idea."
joey,"because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. from now on this apartment is empty for me! and i’m not happy about you either.  oh, and just so you know, i made that bread for you.",phoebe,"oh my god, he’s lost it. he’s totally lost it."
ross,"thank you, thanks.  yeah, i lost it. y’know, i’m not gonna play anymore,  would you, can you finish my set?",phoebe,"after that? yeah! no, i mean if i can help."
gunther,what does rachel see in this guy? i love rachel. i wish she was my wife.,phoebe,who’s singing?
joey,"question. was ah, ‘egg the gellers!’ the war cry of your neighbourhood?",phoebe,ewww! oh! it’s the mattress king!
joey,"hey, you guys!",phoebe,hey!
chandler,"see, that’s why i could never be an actor. because i can’t say gig.",phoebe,"yeah, i can’t say croissant.  oh my god!"
joey,i know!,phoebe,"ugh! i don’t know monica. it feels funny just being here. i mean if you buy a bed from janice’s ex-husband, that’s like betraying chandler."
monica,not at these prices.,phoebe,hi. yknow in england this car would be on the other side of the store.  woo!
monica,"oh! ohhhhh! oh! phoebe, come here. aw, this is my new bed. you gotta feel this bad boy.",phoebe,"eh, monica it, it feels so weird, yknow, chandler’s your friend...  oh! oh my god! aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends."
joey,hi!,phoebe,hey! ooh! how was teaching last night?
joey,"oh it was great. yeah, you get to say stuff like, ’hey, the bell doesn’t dismiss you, i dismiss you.’",phoebe,"ooooh, nice."
joey,"oh, and guess what, i got an audition for all my children.",phoebe,"oh, yay!"
joey,"yeah, it’s this great part, this boxer named nick. and i’m so, so right for it, yknow, he’s just like me. except he’s a boxer, and has an evil twin.",phoebe,oh.
guy,dom da-da dom! here ye! here ye! delivery from the mattress king.  you miss geller?,phoebe,okay.
guy,sign here.,phoebe,"oh, do i have a middle name. all right monica velula geller. it’s that bedroom there."
joey,"hey, monica bought a bed from the mattress king?",phoebe,"yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to chandler."
joey,you want me to lie to chandler?,phoebe,is that a problem?
joey,no.,phoebe,"oh, hey, hey nick the boxer let’s see what you got. all right ya, put ‘em up. come on."
joey,"hey, you’re ah, pretty good at this.",phoebe,"yeah, well i had to learn, i was staying at the y and some off the young men weren’t acting christian enough."
joey,hey!!! oww!! and i’m bleeding.,phoebe,oh! oh! oh!
joey,"okay, great.",phoebe,"wow! and i’m a vegetarian! all right, all right, well i’m sorry, we’ll put some ice on it."
joey,okay.,phoebe,"‘kay, put your head back."
joey,all right. i can’t see.,phoebe,"all right, i have ya. oh god."
guy,which bedroom do ya want it in miss geller?,phoebe,"oh, it’s the compulsively neat one by the window, okay."
ross,"hey pheebs, what are you doing?",phoebe,"i’m, i’m freaking out! monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn’t have! all right, i haven’t lived here in a while, so i have to ask you something. does monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?"
rachel,um. yeah.,phoebe,i am soo dead.
monica,what’s this?,phoebe,isn’t it cool! varoom! varoom!
monica,this is not the bed i ordered!,phoebe,"i know, you must’ve won like a contest or something!"
monica,why is this car in my bedroom?,phoebe,"i’m sorry, okay, i-i wasn’t looking, and the store says that they won’t take it back because you signed for it..."
monica,when did i sign for it?,phoebe,"when i was you! yknow what, it’s all joey’s fault, ‘cause he left his nose open!"
chandler,"hey, i’m going for sushi does anybody want..  whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.",phoebe,it’s monica’s bed. what?
chandler,okay.  it’s a racecar.,phoebe,"so. this has always been monica’s bed, what you’re just noticing now, how self-involved are you?"
joey,"because, monica, the guy’s so good, and i really, really want this part.",phoebe,"well, if you really, really want it, then it’s okay."
joey,i need something sweet.,phoebe,does anyone wanna watch tv?
all,"yeah, sure.",phoebe,monica your remote doesnt work.
monica,"phoebe, you have to lift it and point.",phoebe,"oh. aw, forget it."
ross,"huh, i dont know what to pick. am i more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? hmm.",phoebe,"wow! see, and i didnt think youd be able to come up with anything."
ross,youre right. yours is worse. you are the king of bad thanksgivings.,phoebe,i dont know about that. ive got one thats worse.
chandler,"really? worse than, more turkey mr. chandler?",phoebe,"oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? yes, mines worse! thanksgiving 1862"
ross,"in this life, phoebe.",phoebe,"oh, this life! oh okay no, chandlers is worse."
joey,"man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! i dont have any past life memories.",phoebe,of course you dont sweetie. youre brand new.
all,"oh, come on!",phoebe,"oh no, i know! i know! its the one where joey got monicas turkey stuck on his head!"
joey,hello?,phoebe,hello?
joey,phoebe?,phoebe,joey? whats going on?
joey,look.,phoebe,oh my god!
joey,i know! its stuck!!!,phoebe,easy. step. how did it get on?
joey,i put it on to scare chandler!,phoebe,oh my god! monicas gonna totally freak out!
joey,"well then help me get it off! plus, it smells really bad in here.",phoebe,"well, of course it smells really bad. you have your head up a dead animal."
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
monica,what-what are you doing? is this supposed to be funny?,phoebe,"no, its not supposed to be funny, its supposed to be scary."
monica,"well, i dont care! that-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parents house and theyre not gonna eat it off your head!",phoebe,"all right, hold on! okay, lets just all think."
monica,thats it. thats my worse thanksgiving.,phoebe,oh wait! that cant be the one rachels talking about. she didnt even know that happened. so which one was it?
chandler,i am so sorry. i really am. i was an idiot back then. i rushed the stage at a wham concert for crying out loud!,phoebe,"oh, i cant believe you called her fat."
monica,"okay, now thanksgivings over, lets get ready for christmas. who wants to go get a christmas tree?!",phoebe,"oh, no, i have the cutest christmas story!"
chandler,we wanna hear monicas thanksgiving story!,phoebe,"fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but yknow whatever. thanksgiving 1988"
monica,i would get a room with this cake. i think i could show this cake a good time!,phoebe,"if you had to, what would you give up, food or sex?"
chandler,its like a giant hug.,phoebe,"ross, how about you. what would you give up, sex or food?"
ross,food.,phoebe,"ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs?"
rachel,you gotta see these latest pictures of emma.,phoebe,"oh, how cute!"
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"oh, she looks just like a little doll!"
rachel,"oh, no, no. that is a doll.",phoebe,"oh, thank god, cause that things really creepy!  look, theres chandler."
rachel,"oh. who is the blonde, shes pretty.",phoebe,oh! hes having an affair.
rachel,hes not having an affair!,phoebe,"you know, im always right about these things."
rachel,"no, youre not! last week you thought ross was trying to kill you!",phoebe,"well, im sorry but its hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it!  see, theres something going on with them. look, hes getting into the car with her!"
rachel,"oh, that doesnt mean anything.",phoebe,"oh yeah? well, lets see.  ok, duck down."
chandler,hello.,phoebe,"oh, hi chandler. its phoebe. uhm... i know that monica is working today so... ...i was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and rachel."
chandler,"oh, uhm... i have to work too. yeah, im stuck at the office all day.",phoebe,"oh, well, its a shame that you-that you miss the movie cause we were gonna see, you know, either liar, liar or betrayal, or... an affair to remember."
chandler,those are all really old!,phoebe,"ok, then maybe itll be, uhm..."
rachel,"dude, wheres my car?",phoebe,what?
rachel,theyre in a caaar...,phoebe,"okay, we-well talk to you later. okay, bye."
rachel,geez!,phoebe,ok. quick. we gotta find a cab and follow them.
rachel,"oh, yeah, ok. let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun.",phoebe,i got them!
ross,"i know, and with the baby coming?",phoebe,"so, should we tell her?"
ross,"i don’t know. phoebe, if one of us saw mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?",phoebe,why? who’d you seen him with?
ross,"no one, i’m just saying if...",phoebe,tell me what you know!
ross,"i know nothing! mike’s a great guy, it was hypothetical!",phoebe,"all right. . he is a good guy. you’re right, he wouldn’t cheat."
monica,"no, he’s picking up dinner, why, what’s up?",phoebe,"well, look, whatever happens, we’re here for you and we love you. monica : all right..."
rachel,phoebe and i saw chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in westchester.,phoebe,they went in together. so sorry.
monica,oh my god! oh my god that’s awful! what did you think of the house?,phoebe,what?
joey,i knew he couldnt be with a woman for 45 minutes!!,phoebe,why do you have a realtor?
monica,"when we found out that were gonna get this baby, chandler and i started talking and we decided that we didnt want to raise a kid in the city.",phoebe,so youre gonna move?
ross,so you wanna buy a house in the 50s?,phoebe,"have you thought about what you would be giving up? you cant move out of the city, what if you want chinese food at 5am? or a fake rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an asian hooker sent right to your door?"
monica,its so sweet. it really is. it has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then theres these old maple trees...,phoebe,"wha..? again with the nature, what are you? beavers?"
rachel,"well, it is, all right? when we were out there today, all i kept thinking was: i cant believe chandler is screwing this woman, but man this would be a nice place to live!",phoebe,"yeah, but so is this."
rachel,"youre fly is open, geller!",phoebe,"you guys, you know what i just realized? joker is poker with a j. coincidence?"
rachel,"ow, that had to hurt!",phoebe,"hey, it’s your thanksgiving too, yknow, instead of watching football, you could help."
joey,its stuck!!!,phoebe,easy. step. how did it get on?
joey,i put it on to scare chandler!,phoebe,oh my god! monicas gonna totally freak out!
joey,it smells really bad in here.,phoebe,"well, of course it smells really bad. you have your head inside a turkeys ass!"
rachel,"funny, because i was just gonna go across the hall and write that on chandler.",phoebe,"ok, you guys, i don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, i don’t want to live with rachel anymore."
monica and rachel,what?!,phoebe,you’re just so mean to each other! and i don’t want to end up like that with rachel. i still like you!
monica,"whoa-whoa-whoa, phoebe you gotta take her! y’know, i-i-i said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. she gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that i’d like.",phoebe,what else?
rachel,"yeah, i do. i-i do, do that.",phoebe,that’s nice. i like having things to read in the bathroom.
joey,rachels right. this is where you guys belong.,phoebe,"yeah, you dont wanna live in westchester. thats like the worst of the chesters."
rachel,"yeah, were gonna let you be alone.",phoebe,youre gonna be okay?
rachel,ooh! oh wow this is so beautiful.,phoebe,oh! these are the ones i was looking at in the store.
rachel,"you know pheebs, when i was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find em all.",phoebe,"oooh, i love family traditions like that. when uhm... when ursula and i were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!"
rachel,"oh, good, good! we had this idea to make a birthday video for emma and well give it to her when she is 18.",phoebe,"oh, cool!! wow, its like a time capsule!"
ross,yeah!,phoebe,"oh, just think... shes gonna be watching that video on a tv that hasnt even been invented yet! with friends who right now are just like babies! and theyll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people!"
joey,we were supposed to bring presents?,phoebe,yeah! i wrote emma a song.
joey,"oh, yeah! how was i supposed to know?",phoebe,"joey, its a birthday party."
joey,"hey pheebs, you know what? i was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe i could do something for emma using my talents!",phoebe,so you’re gonna... hit on her?
joey,"no, no, no! my talents as an actor!",phoebe,oh!
joey,"you know, i could like maybe... i could do a dramatic reading of one of her books!",phoebe,or you could stick a fork in an apple!
joey,actually we prepared performances.,phoebe,separate performances.
rachel,"well, this sounds like fun! well, you know what? actually? people are getting a little antsy waiting emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now?",phoebe,"sure, yeah!"
ross,"oh, great!",phoebe,are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared?
rachel,"oh, phoebe, i’m sorry! phoebe has prepared something as well.",phoebe,"that’s right, ive prepared a song for emma. from my heart to hers. for there’s no greater gift, than the gift of music.  emma! your name poses a dilemma. cause not much else rhymes with emma! maybe the actor richard crenna, he played the commanding officer in rambo. happy birthday emma!"
rachel,is that it?,phoebe,"no, of course not! i also, you know, prepared a reading . “sex and the single mother.  finding your g-spot."
monica,"ross, rachel promised it would be over by now. we seriously have to go, if we want to get to vermont. i called them and the last train leaves in a half hour.",phoebe,"and you know, i have a massage client soon."
ross,"no, rachel got pulled over for speeding. she forgot her licence so now i have to bring it to her.",phoebe,"well, if youre leaving, im definitely gonna go."
joey,"alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because were gonna be here for a li... wait a minute, there is a window in there!",phoebe,oh no! hes not getting away that easy!
joey,"well, that one did not have emmas face on it.",phoebe,"no, it did not."
joey,"bye, bye.",phoebe,joey? how could you just let them leave?
joey,a monologue? i dont have..  i got it.   aah! so... im gonna take off!,phoebe,"wh.. what? no wait, you dont get to leave! ive got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute!"
monica,"yeah, and weve paid for a room, that were supposed to be in right now!",phoebe,"well, oh, ok now... only one of us has to stay with emma. ok, and as the person who realized that, i get to go!"
joey,"okay, monica picks ten, i call nine! anyone else?",phoebe,"no, lets just draw straws."
monica,"ok, how about this: we got wind up toys for emma for her birthday. we can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays!",phoebe,yeah!! lets do that!
monica,everybody get your toys!,phoebe,ok! i want the dolphin!
chandler,thats a bear.,phoebe,im too excited!
chandler,"ok, on your mark... get set... go!!!",phoebe,go! go!
joey,way to go robot!,phoebe,good job alan!
joey,"hey, good race you guys.",phoebe,"yeah, see you later!"
monica,i wasnt. lets get going!,phoebe,"hey, are ross and rachel back?"
chandler,"no, not yet.",phoebe,"oh good, i didnt miss the party."
monica,what about your massage client?,phoebe,"i just felt so bad, missing this. so i just slipped him a little something, you know. as long as im back in five or six hours, it will be alright."
rachel,"oh yeah, nothing! these are happy tears! this is just what i wanted.",phoebe,"hey, you made it into a bunny."
rachel,"okay.  hi emma. well, your first birthday is over, and it was really...",phoebe,"go, go, go alan! run you, hairy bastard!"
chandler,"were just here to say goodbye, were off to ohio.",phoebe,"oh, right! your adoption interview!"
chandler,"yeah. i mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better..",phoebe,what are you gonna name the baby?
joey,im gonna say someone im gonna have sex with.   hey!,phoebe,hey!
joey,so... whos your friend?,phoebe,"oh, thats sarah. no, no. dont you get any ideas, ok? no, im not setting you up with any more of my friends!"
joey,"ow, why, why, why?",phoebe,"because youll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists!"
joey,"oh, name one friend of yours that i did that with.",phoebe,mandy.
joey,"mandy, uh? uh... really hot blonde, big boobs?",phoebe,no.
joey,growth!,phoebe,"fine, ill give you her number."
joey,"ok, thank you. and i promise you i will not forget this one.  mandy.",phoebe,sarah!
ross,damnit! i have this date tomorrow night and i have to look cool!,phoebe,"well, you know, if you want fashion help, rachel and i are going shopping tomorrow. youre more than welcome to come with us, right?"
monica,"let her finish, doctor.",phoebe,hey!
joey,hey.,phoebe,"oh, my friend sarah had a great time last night."
joey,well...,phoebe,yeah! so youre gonna call this one back?
joey,nope.,phoebe,what are you talking about? sarahs great!
joey,"oh, really? you know what your great friend did? were out to dinner, ok?  were getting along, having a really nice time. i was thinking she was really cool. and then, out of nowhere...",phoebe,"that’s it? that’s why you won’t go out with her again? so, she took some fries, big deal!"
joey,"hey, hey, look! it’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent.",phoebe,what?
joey,all food!,phoebe,"i’m sorry, i can’t believe i set you up with such a monster!"
joey,"hey, hey, hey, hey. look. i take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! the more, the better! all right? just don’t order a garden salad and then eat my food! that’s a good way to lose some fingers!",phoebe,oh
rachel,hi,phoebe,thank god you’re here. listen to this!
rachel,what?,phoebe,joey and my friend were out last night and having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries...
rachel,"oh! oh, no!",phoebe,what? you know about the plate thing?
rachel,"oh, yeah. joey doesn’t share food. i mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ...",phoebe,you wouldn’t let her have a grape?
joey,joey doesn’t share food!,phoebe,"well, i still think that it’s a stupid reason not to call someone again. you are calling her! and if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table!"
joey,"i like that! a sharing buffer! yeah! i’ll order some extra fries! maybe a plate of onion rings. yeah. and a shrimp cocktail. and some buffalo wings. maybe an individual pizza, uh? and some mozzarella sticks.  what were we talking about?",phoebe,this place is awesome!
rachel,"ah, this place is great!",phoebe,wow!
ross,wow!,phoebe,yeah!
ross,actually this looks like pretty good! yeah! boys will be boys?,phoebe,what? they will be!
rachel,we got some really great stuff!,phoebe,"yeah, yeah but i am not sure about some of the bras i got."
rachel,oh! really? do you wanna try some of them on for me?,phoebe,"oh! okay. wait, are we in joeys imagination?"
rachel,"oh no! i took one of ross bags by mistake, and one of mine is missing.",phoebe,"oh, well, ross probably has it, you can get it from him later."
monica,"ok, i don’t wanna be negative so i’ll say that most of the signs you bought are good.",phoebe,"no they ran out of it’s a girl but i can fix this one,  see?"
rachel,oh you guys thanks for doing this.,phoebe,look at all the stuff people sent!
chandler,walter .,phoebe,she’s just so cute! i just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
ross,in the hospital.,phoebe,wow you guys got a hospital? fancy!
rachel,god how long do you think that’s gonna last?,phoebe,"i dunno, well he got over the we were on a break thing really quickly."
rachel,"y’know i can’t even worry about that right now, cause i got the cutie little baby, oh i can’t believe how much i love her, i can’t get enough of her, like right now i miss her. i actually miss her.",phoebe,you know that’s… that’s her.
rachel,"oh god look at her sleeping. oh, i love her so much! oh, i think i’m gonna wake her up.",phoebe,"oh no, rach, no no, you know you’re never supposed to wake a sleeping baby."
rachel,"well i can do whatever i want! i made her!  come on little girl, hi!",phoebe,i can say i told you so but she’s kinda doing that for me.
monica,breaks your heart doesn’t it,phoebe,it really does… how long do you think we have to stay?
ms. mckenna,"then, problem solved. chandler will be running our office in tulsa. you’re gonna love oklahoma.",phoebe,"well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! go back in time and listen to phoebe!"
monica,"oh my god, i am losing my mind.",phoebe,"yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with ross!"
monica,"i know, that’s why i said again!",phoebe,"alright you guys, we can’t turn on each other, okay? that’s just what she wants."
rachel,"oh no, you guys, just stay here, i’m gonna go check her diaper, pheebs you wanna come?",phoebe,oh i’m kinda part of this.
chandler,actually pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing,phoebe,i knew i should have married chandler.
monica,about a week and a half.,phoebe,"well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so i’m just gonna go.  no! really? misery really does love company. all right!"
rachel,"you guys, i’m doing the best i can, anyone else is welcome to try.",phoebe,"alright, i’ll try, fine! yes, okay!"
rachel,here you go.,phoebe,shh! nothing works with this child!
rachel,i have to go to the bathroom.,phoebe,i have to go scream into a pillow.
monica,"bouncy baby, bouncy baby, ooh baby baby, ooh baby baby, ooh baby baby.",phoebe,have i gone deaf?
monica,"it worked! ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!",phoebe,you must be a fireball in bed.
monica,i can’t believe it! she’s asleep! i got her to go to sleep!  i have actual magical powers!,phoebe,i can hear traffic and birds! i can hear the voices in my head again!  i’m kidding.
monica,oh no no no no!,phoebe,thankfully you don’t need me at all  so okay super aunt see you later! rachel let’s give it six to eight months .
ross,"oh, i dont know, they seem to have a shared interest in each others tonsils...",phoebe,"wow, joey and a professor! can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and joeys raw sexual magnetism... oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!"
joey,"hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work wed better get acrimonious. no? am i getting close?",phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey you guys! look what i just got.
rachel,"oh, oh! wow, i love those! where did you get them?",phoebe,i bought them off ebay! they used to belong to the late shania twain.
rachel,"phoebe, shania twain is still alive!",phoebe,oh... then i overpaid.
rachel,"well, i would like to have the option!!",phoebe,"whats up?  hey, rachel!!"
rachel,oh!,phoebe,"no, you cant go there! you know how i feel about these big massage places! theyre putting people like me out of business!"
rachel,"phoebe, come on, i dont wanna waste it! it would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!",phoebe,"ok, this is not about the money, ok? its about... its about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells."
rachel,i dont care about any of that!!,phoebe,"well, do you care about friendship?"
rachel,oh!,phoebe,"i feel really strongly about this, rachel. please, dont use this gift certificate. im asking you as a friend."
rachel,"oh, not as a friend, phoebe!! fine, i wont use it!",phoebe,promise?
rachel,i promise.,phoebe,thank you.
receptionist,"phoebe, your next clients in the waiting room.",phoebe,"ok. do we have to talk like that then theyre not around?  oh, no, no! listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?"
receptionist,"sorry, everyone is booked!",phoebe,but that woman cant know i work here. shes a friend of mine and i made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are.
receptionist,then why you work here?,phoebe,cause its good money! but that doesnt change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine!
receptionist,"well, i think this is a great place to work!",phoebe,"ok, are they listening?"
chandler,i think it just fell off.,phoebe,"hello ja, its time for your massage, ja! put your face in the hole."
rachel,"wow, a swedish massage from a real swedish person.",phoebe,"okay, then im swedish..."
monica,"so, whats your name?",phoebe,its a normal swedish name... ikea...
rachel,oh... what an interesting name.,phoebe,ja!
rachel,you know i...,phoebe,time for your scalp massage!
rachel,wow... i really love your...,phoebe,is something wrong?
rachel,"no, its just that uhm... it feels so good... ikea... yeah, say hey, youll know this, whats the capital of sweden?",phoebe,uhm... stockholm.
chandler,it was a wendys!!,phoebe,"ipan stripan, glupi glabi!  and that is the swedish national anthem! thank you for asking!"
rachel,"wow, ikea... what a rich culture. uhm, you know what? i have a friend who is a masseuse.",phoebe,"oh, ja! ja!"
rachel,yah! shes... uhm... not very good though...,phoebe,"uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is?"
rachel,i dont know... maybe its because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar...,phoebe,or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because youre such a high maintenance tight ass!
rachel,phoebe!!,phoebe,you know its me?
rachel,"for like a half an hour! man, you can lie about sweden!",phoebe,how can you come here?
rachel,how could you not tell me you worked here?,phoebe,i dont have to tell you everything!
rachel,"yes you do, if youre going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!",phoebe,tips not included.
rachel,"oh! phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?",phoebe,"because i was ashamed ok? i sold out for the cash! and then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401k. but you know... you pay a price. now im this corporate stooge and punching a clock and ugh! paying taxes!"
rachel,"phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! be true to what you believe in! honey, you have principles and i so admire that! i dont have any!",phoebe,you know what? you are right. i am gonna quit. its time i took my life back!
rachel,good for you pheebs!,phoebe,ok.
receptionist,good morning phoebe.,phoebe,good morning receptionist.
receptionist,heres your schedule for the day. your first client is in room no. 1.,phoebe,"rachel green?  son of a bitch, she came back?"
monica,having a perfectly decorated tree is not what christmas is about. it’s about being with the people that you love.,phoebe,that is nice and we’re done. tada!
chandler,"i can save you time ladies, i’m right here.",phoebe,"yeah, chandler why don’t you take a walk? this doesn’t concern you."
chandler,what? that’s terrible!,phoebe,"no-no, we do it every year!"
chandler,"oh well, that makes it not terrible.",phoebe,"no, yeah, we never find them! she’s always best at us that wily minx."
chandler,"no not okay, you can’t look for monica’s presents!",phoebe,but we have to!
chandler,"no, you don’t have to, and you can’t because i live here too.",phoebe,"well then, you should look with us."
chandler,"no, i have a great idea for a present for her.",phoebe,"oh, that’s it?  a great idea!"
rachel,that’s right!,phoebe,"ooh ooh, we have a live one!"
rachel,"oh, it’s a macy’s bag!",phoebe,"ooh, who’s it for?"
rachel,"dear losers, do you really think i’d hide presents under the couch? p.s. chandler, i knew they’d break you.",phoebe,uh-oh. she may be onto us.
rachel,"yeah, we found them. there were in the guest room closet behind some coats.",phoebe,"yeah, and you have nothing to worry about cos theyre all crap!"
chandler,"those are my gifts, i got them for you.",phoebe,ohhh. thanks chandler theyre great!
chandler,those are book ends! thats a great gift!,phoebe,"oh, okay, im sorry, thank you for my azzz."
director,"okay, here’s where we go to the live shot of times square, nice work everyone that’s a wrap!",phoebe,hey! look who i found!
chandler,"oh, hey guys!",phoebe,"y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and i thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden."
chandler,"yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.",phoebe,"or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? no! didn’t think so! okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are!"
chandler,"oh, the duck seems to think that monica got me garbage! hmm, i wonder what i could get monica that’s as good as garbage?",phoebe,"hmm, how about my azzz?"
rachel,"hey, this is hollow.",phoebe,what?
rachel,"this bench, it’s hollow! i can’t believe i never knew that!  oh, the presents!!!",phoebe,"no, don’t look directly at them!"
chandler,what?,phoebe,"alright, no, we could look at them!"
rachel,"oh, this one’s for me!",phoebe,"oh, this one’s for chandler. here."
chandler,oh great!,phoebe,and the big one’s for me!
chandler,okay! okay! okay!,phoebe,hee hee!
chandler,"nobody is opening anything ok? look, i don’t know about you guys, but i wanna see the look on monica’s face when i give her my present, and i’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when i get mine. so please, please, can we just, can we put them back?",phoebe,will you get us better gifts?
chandler,that’s what you got me?,phoebe,"oh yes, i see what you mean. that look is priceless."
chandler,"you can always spot someone whos never seen one of his plays before. notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...",phoebe,"the exclamation point in the title scares me.  yknow, its not just freud, its freud!"
chandler,"thank you, buddy.",phoebe,"oh, oh, but yknow, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys."
joey,"the estelle leonard talent agency. wow, an agency left me its card! maybe they wanna sign me!",phoebe,based on this play? ...based on this play!
all,hey.,phoebe,"no, cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line."
"look at it is, i get all the good stuff","all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. i mean, this is every guys fantasy!",phoebe,"oh, yeah. that is not true. ross, is this your fantasy?"
monica,"yeah, yeah, its interesting.. but yknow what? just for fun, lets see what it looked like in the old spot.  alright, just to compare. lets see. well, it looks good there too. lets just leave it there for a while.",phoebe,i cant believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
monica,"you guys, i am not that bad!",phoebe,"yeah, you are, monica. remember when i lived with you? you were like, a little, yknow,  ree! ree! ree! ree!"
ross,monica? youre mom.,phoebe,ree! ree! ree! ree! ree!
joey,can you believe this? al pacino! this guys the reason i became an actor! im out of order? pfeeeh. youre out of order! this whole courtrooms out of order!,phoebe,"seriously, what-whats the part?"
joey,"hard to tell, i was naked.",phoebe,"no, i dont think this was your shot. i mean, i dont even think you just get one shot. i really believe big things are gonna happen for you, i do! youve gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go i got the part! i got the part! im gonna be joey tribbianis ass!."
chandler,"oh suddenly, flowers are feminine? < phoebe comes in>",phoebe,"hey, everybody. happy thanksgiving!"
joey,hey happy thanksgiving.. pheebs! <motions her to come over>,phoebe,"hey, whats going on joe?"
joey,i.. i.. i need a good lie.,phoebe,oh okay. how about the whole man walking on the moon thing. you know? you. you could. you could see the strings people!
joey,"no, no, no i need a good lie to explain why i wasnt at a work thing today.",phoebe,"ooh, honey. you stink at lying."
joey,i do not.,phoebe,"oh really. okay. let me ask you something. yesterday at the coffee house, i went to the bathroom and when i came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?"
joey,"somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and i said hey dont eat that-thats phoebes and he said.. <pause> he said.. joey you stink at lying. what am i going to do?",phoebe,"dont worry, dont worry. well come up with a good lie. ill help you practice it."
joey,"oh great, thatd be great. thank you.",phoebe,"sure, what.. what was the work thing?"
joey,"uh.. <forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows phoebe, she looks>",phoebe,pick up grandma at the airport?
joey,"pheebs, i still need some help here",phoebe,"oh right, ok um. ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . for example if you look down at the ground when youre talking, people know youre lying."
amy,"no, no, then i would get the baby. i mean you know it would be just like a movie. like at first i wouldnt know what to do with her, then i would rise to the occasion and and then i would get a makeover and then id get married.",phoebe,thats a great movie. <she claps> <joey nods in agreement>
amy turns around to phoebe,"emma, ross wants you.",phoebe,phoe-be.
chandler,"so.. let me get this straight. so my two friends die, i get emma. then my wife dies, then emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?",phoebe,theres your movie! <claps> later on. monica opens her front door. chandler is sitting in the hallway.
joey groans and gets off the phone,the producer from days left a message on my machine asking why i wasnt at the parade. they said everybodys pissed off at me.. <whiny voice> and they all got to meet santa!,phoebe,its ok. i thought of the perfect lie for you. its easy to remember and doesnt invite a lot of questions. you werent at the parade because you had a family emergency.
joey,"oh, i like that, yeah. wasnt at the parade because i had a family emergency.",phoebe,"ooh, what happened?"
joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear,oh.. my sisters raccoon.,phoebe,no! nothing with a raccoon.
joey,setting the table.,phoebe,yeah we thought it would be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too.
rachel starts messing up amys hair,frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!! <they go back to fighting and then it really gets on>,phoebe,oh my god! shouldnt we stop this?
monica,uh huh.. i mean these things happen. its just a plate. its not like somebody died.,phoebe,its all right. you can mourn.
chandler,"oh no no no.. ill get her. im super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise emma. ill be right there emma. just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> well.. what do you know? i guess, ill be the one who dies first.",phoebe,"hey, does monica know about her broken plates yet?"
chandler,nope...,phoebe,"broke them all, huh?"
chandler,yep...,phoebe,you gonna tell her?
joey,"hey! i did it. i called my producer. i told him i had a family emergency, he totally bought it. thanks for teaching me how to lie pheebs.",phoebe,no problem! next week: stealing...
chandler,i could fall asleep at a play.,phoebe,what is it?
ross,"yeah, it does sound interesting, i mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, i dont think it gets bett...",phoebe,"i know, i know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want?"
ross,"oh, hey you guys! this is charlie! charlie, this is phoebe and my sister, monica.",phoebe,hi!
ross,"yeah, charlie is gonna be joining my department.",phoebe,"oh, youre a paleonthologist, too!  oh, ok, now, what do you think of ranions new theory of species variegation in segmented arthopods?"
charlie,"well, i think hes a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas...",phoebe,"ah, ah."
ross,ranions theory of species variegation?,phoebe,"yeah, i saw the article on your coffee table and i memorized the title to freak you out!"
rachel,ok professor or detective?,phoebe,joeys having a party and he wasnt gonna invite us?
rachel,"yeah, and he does it every year! thats why hes sending you to that play! thats why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory!",phoebe,and that horrible museum tour!
"(joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)joey","hey you guys, im turning in. have fun.",phoebe,we know about your party joey.
monica,oh yeah thats what you want - my inhibitions lowered.,phoebe,hey!
monica,"oh my god, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? i can barely control myself.",phoebe,"monica, you might want to remember that you are married. where is chandler anyway?"
ross,huh... huh... what a loser! some more wine?,phoebe,hey ross!
ross,oh great! after i finish my wine im going to blow my... eh. average-sized brains out.,phoebe,"oh, whats the matter?"
ross,"of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!!  man, i cant compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my god!",phoebe,worse?
ross,"oh much, much worse. i did my impression of joan rivers as one of the earliest amphibians...  can we walk?  oh, you... you like that?",phoebe,no.
monica,so i got it when i was 13...,phoebe,"hey ross! so listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of nobel prizes scare you off? what is that, come on, a piece of paper?"
ross,"its actually a 1,000,000$ prize.",phoebe,"go charlie! but my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. maybe shes looking to, you know, slum it with some average joe phd."
ross,"yeah, maybe. i do have my whole career in front of me. i mean, i can still win a nobel prize. although the last two papers ive written were widely discredited.",phoebe,"youre so much more than just brains! youre sweet, and kind, and funny..."
ross,and sexy.,phoebe,ok well give her a chance to see all of that!
ross,"yeah, youre right, thanks pheebs, im gonna go find her.",phoebe,"good for you! and hey, i thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the devonian era was top notch!"
"(rachel just stands there staring at joey and charlie in silence. after a while, ross turns around and sees them.)ross",im smarter than him!,phoebe,"hey, thank you so much for these tickets, chandler."
monica,i just told my mom i’d cater a party for her.,phoebe,how come?
monica,oh my god! did you hear that? she hired me because she thinks i’m good.,phoebe,"okay, i didn’t hear that."
monica,"oh yeah, she didn’t hire me out of pity, it wasn’t so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks i’m good.",phoebe,"wow! and hey, it’s cool if you’re a lesbian!"
joey,yeah-well-yeah! yeah-oh-yeah. come on in.,phoebe,that’s weird.
monica,what?,phoebe,your nails.
monica,"oh, i know, i never wear fake ones. i just did it so my mom wouldn’t give me grief about me biting them.",phoebe,"oh, no, i meant that it’s weird that you only have nine now."
monica,"oh my god. wait a minute, i had them put…  oh my god! it’s in the quiche! oh my god!",phoebe,"okay, don’t panic. i’m gonna go to the store, i’m gonna get you another set of nails, no one’s gonna know, and you’re gonna look great.  oh! oh, it’s ‘cause they’re gonna eat—that’s the problem."
monica,"okay ah, please don’t freak out. umm, but ah, there’s a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there’s no way to know which one.",phoebe,and! whoever finds it wins the prize!
monica,"that’s right. my mom doesn’t have any faith in me! oh, that’s hilarious! ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.",phoebe,i don’t get it.
oven,ding!,phoebe,"op, the ruined quiches are ready."
the salesman,you need these books.,phoebe,hey!
monica,hi.,phoebe,this used to be your room?  wow! you must’ve been in really good shape as a kid.
monica,"ohh, i’m such an idiot. i can’t believe i actually thought she could change.",phoebe,"well, who cares what your mom thinks? so you pulled a monica."
monica,"oh good, i’m glad that’s catching on.",phoebe,"no but, why does that have to be a bad thing. just change what it means. yknow? go down there and prove your mother wrong. finish the job you were hired to do, and we’ll call that pulling a monica."
monica,what?,phoebe,"okay, umm, if a kid gets straight a’s, his parents would say, yeah, he pulled a monica. yknow? or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, yeah i know, he pulled a monica. or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, yeah, that one’s outta here. though some things don’t change."
monica,"all right, i’ll go down there. but, i’m not gonna serve the lasagna. i’m gonna serve something i make.",phoebe,wow! my breasts are really strong.
monica,well?,phoebe,they’re not even touching the lasagna!
monica,really?!,phoebe,"oh, they love your casserole."
monica,yes!!,phoebe,it’s hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.
monica,wow!,phoebe,"umm, you might even say that she pulled a monica.   she doesn’t know we switched it."
joey,wh-what’s going on?,phoebe,"oh. (she motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what rachel told joey: no he doesn’t!"
all,"oh, yeah. yeah.",phoebe,"oh god, korea is such a beautiful country."
rachel,okay.,phoebe,oh hey ross oh im so glad someones here could you zip me up?
ross,sure.,phoebe,thank you. can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
ross,people  so why you all dressed up.,phoebe,oh umm mikes picking me up for a date.
ross,"oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?",phoebe,"oh i dunno i dunno, you know i mean i like him but am i ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market."
ross,"you know i really admire your whole dating attitude, its so healthy im always like is this moving to fast? is this moving to slow? wheres this going?",phoebe,yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.
ross,"but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.",phoebe,"i wouldnt say never, you know theres that guy  well what about  ok well theres gotta be someone."
ross,there isnt thats what im saying.,phoebe,oh my god youre right.
ross,i know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.,phoebe,"i cant believe i never realized this before, im in my thirtys and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god  whats wrong with me."
ross,"no, no, no theres nothing wrong with you i mean you dont strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.",phoebe,i wanna get married
ross,"please dont cry because of me pheebs i dont know what im talking about, ive been divorced three times.",phoebe,"least youve been married, oh my god! i wanna trade lives with ross"
mike,phoebe whats wrong?,phoebe,"nothing, im excited about our date, mike this is ross geller this is mike haaaaa"
mike,"hey, so are you sure your ready to go.",phoebe,uh huh  how do i look
ross,do you have a compact in your purse?,phoebe,no
ross,so howd the date go?,phoebe,well it was awful every time i thought about what you said i started crying.
ross,so he hasnt called?,phoebe,would you call this girl? thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing
ross,now i feel terrible this is all my fault.,phoebe,"well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?"
joey,no.  wait a minute what was the little mermaid?,phoebe,its open.
ross,hey!,phoebe,hey! mike called were going out again! yay! yay!
ross,"yay!  quick thing, i went to talk to mike.",phoebe,what? wha-wha-wha-did you do ross!
ross,"oh boy you got mad at that part. i went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me blah, blah, blah, and i ended up telling him that.",phoebe,what!
ross,umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named vicrum.,phoebe,what! why?
ross,well he seemed to bum hard that youd never been in a serious relationship.,phoebe,if you hadnt just had a baby with my best friend i swear to lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
ross,"well phoebe, i think youll feel better when you know a little bit about vicrum, his a kite designer  and he used to date oprah.",phoebe,"im not going along with some lie you made ross, no im just gonna be honest with him."
ross,good yeah just be honest with him.,phoebe,yeah ive nothing to be ashamed of ok so i havent been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. ok i havent had a real boyfriend you know if he cant handle that he can leave. which he will and thats ok. so ill just be alone forever you know alright ill be. itll be fine. itll be fine. ill go walking tours with widows and lesbians. oh
ross,ill get it,phoebe,ok
mike,"you know im trying to think of the last time i opened a door and you werent there, phoebe are you ok?",phoebe,"uh huh yeah  theres just something umm, theres something you should know  vicrum just called."
joey,"ooooooooooh, i slept with you! and you obviously remember me hey! i still got it.  so were good.  ill let myself out.",phoebe,".and i said vicrum you cant just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with rachel."
mike,but rachel i thought she just had a baby with ross,phoebe,yeah well  yeah you know emmas birth certificate might say geller but her eyes say mookurgee.
mike,that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.,phoebe,i know but he calls and my heart goes to him. you know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
mike,"i just think theres somebody better out there for you,  i mean im not saying me but. maybe me.",phoebe,oh.
mike,"and you dont have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although i do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway i just think i can make you happy.",phoebe,ok i cant do this.
mike,whats wrong?,phoebe,"well there is no vicrum, ross made him up because i never really have been in a long-term relationship, ive never lived with a guy, and ive never even celebrated an anniversary so.  if thats too weird for you and you wanna leave i totally understand. in fact ill close my eyes make it less awkward  you kissed me."
mike,uh huh,phoebe,so you dont think im a total freak
mike,no. well look can i think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.,phoebe,"i guess so, can i. can i think its cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again  and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers."
joey,"see ordinarily i would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did i sleep with her? did i not sleep with her?",phoebe,"you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. your in your thirtys and youve never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesnt tern into anything serious."
joey,and i gotta go sell some christmas trees.,phoebe,"have fun. oh wait, no, don’t! i forgot i am totally against that now."
joey,what? me having a job?,phoebe,"no, no, i am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights.  hey, how do you sleep at night?"
joey,"well, i’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. hey, phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. those trees were born to be christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.",phoebe,really?
ross,all right!!,phoebe,hey.
joey,"hey. what, what are you doing here?",phoebe,"well, i-i thought a lot about what you said, and um, i realilized duh, all right maybe i was a little judgmental. yeah,  oh, but oh..."
joey,"look now, phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their christmas....",phoebe,destiny.
joey,sure.,phoebe,yes.
joey,all right.,phoebe,okay.  yikes! that one doesn’t look very fulfilled.
joey,"oh, that’s, that’s ah, one of the old ones, he’s just taking it to the back.",phoebe,"you keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist."
joey,well we have to make room for the fresh ones.,phoebe,"so, what happens to the old guys?"
joey,"well, they go into the chipper.",phoebe,"why, do i have a feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds?  no! nooooo!!!"
guy,looks good. i’ll take it.,phoebe,"wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! no, no, you don’t want that one. no, you can have this cool brown one."
guy,it’s-it’s-it’s almost dead!,phoebe,"okay but that’s why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it’s christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. tell him, joey"
monica,"hey, guys. i’m here to pick out my christmas tree.",phoebe,"well look no further,  this one’s yours! ahhh."
monica,is this the one that i threw out last year?,phoebe,"all right yknow what, nevermind! everyone wants to have a green one! i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to get so emotional, i guess it’s just the holidays, it’s hard."
monica,"oh honey, is that ‘cause your mom died around christmas?",phoebe,"oh, i wasn’t even thinking about that."
ross,"oh, come here sweetie, listen, you’re gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job.  that’s not how that was supposed to come out.",phoebe,this is the worst christmas ever.
chandler,"well seeing that drunk santa wet himself, really perked up my christmas.",phoebe,oh! oh my god!
joey and monica,merry christmas!!,phoebe,"you saved them! you guys! oh god, you’re the best!"
all,that’s great! hey! excellent!,phoebe,"oh, god bless us, everyone."
all,okay! okay!,phoebe,"there it is! oh, look at that! isn’t mother nature amazing?"
chandler,that’s a plane!,phoebe,"well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too."
rachel,"yeah actually, i think we’re gonna take off too. we rented a movie.",phoebe,"oh! i won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie!"
rachel,"uh pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.",phoebe,shh! get me out of here.
chandler,what?!  ow!,phoebe,please don’t be a space ship. please don’t be a space ship.  oh thank god!  how could you be beeping?! i just disconnected you! i took out your battery! how can…
smoke detector,beep!,phoebe,don’t interrupt me!!
joey,"well all right so, it looks like we’re even!",phoebe,"okay. so, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here.  okay so, to get the beeping to stop all i have to do…  well done, pheebs.   what do you want from me?!!!!!!!"
ross,i don’t think so. hello?  when you get in there…,phoebe,"okay, this is where you and i part ways.  noisy bitch!"
rachel,i am so hot for you right now.,phoebe,oh my god! how did you get back here?!
a disembodied voice,phoebe buffay?!,phoebe,"fire alarm?  oh! hi, officer—fireman, can-can i help you?"
the fireman,we found your fire alarm in the trash chute.,phoebe,that’s not mine.
the fireman,yes it is.,phoebe,how do you know?
the fireman,"the next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don’t wrap it in a blanket that says, property of phoebe buffay not monica.",phoebe,"okay do you—okay, do you have a search warrant? because the last time i checked this was still america!"
the fireman,"please reattach this, it’s against the law to disconnect them.",phoebe,fine!  but please god; tell me how to stop them from going off!
the fireman,there’s a reset button under the plastic cover.,phoebe,"there’s a reset button?! ugh, thank you! thank you!  there’s a reset button! my god! why didn’t i see that!  reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button?  oh here it is!  oh!  ohh, god!"
rachel,yeah. don’t do this to yourself.,phoebe,"she’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen."
monica,really?!,phoebe,"yeah well, we’ll see."
joey,"if you want, i’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.",phoebe,hey!
rachel,hey!,phoebe,"ooh, what a great table! where-where did you get it?"
rachel,guess!,phoebe,"umm, a flea market?"
rachel,"ha! see, i knew, i knew you’d get it on the first guess. isn’t it cool! it’s an apothecary table.",phoebe,wow! oh you can just imagine that this is where  they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
rachel,"ohh, yes.",phoebe,"y’know? ooh, you can almost smell the opium."
rachel,almost.,phoebe,how much was it?
rachel,it was only 500 bucks.,phoebe,500 bucks at a flea market?!
rachel,"oh, okay see i thought, i thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then.",phoebe,oh no.
rachel,"yeah no, i mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar.",phoebe,a dollar?
rachel,and fifty. so it was like one and fifty dollars.,phoebe,"ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing."
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"well, what period is it from?"
rachel,"uh, it’s from yore. like the days of yore. y’know?",phoebe,"yes, yes i do. god, oh it’s just perfect! wow! i bet it has a great story behind it too. did they tell you anything? like y’know where it was from or…"
rachel,"yes! that i know, this is from white plains.",phoebe,"white plains. oh, it sounds like such a magical place."
ross,huh. y’know what’s not one of a kind? a twin!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,"ooh, phoebe’s here! okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie!",phoebe,"okay. hey—ooh, cool sheets!"
ross,"oh, you like it? you wanna know where i got it?",phoebe,sure!
rachel,he got it a flea market!,phoebe,"you bought your sheets at a flea market? ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little."
ross,"hey pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new……old sheet?",phoebe,oh sure!  noo!
ross,my apothecary table!!!,phoebe,what?!
rachel,noooooo!!,phoebe,"ross, where did you get this?!"
rachel,"oh my god, phoebe, pottery barn has ripped off the design of our antique!",phoebe,"wow! oh my god, well if they’ve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!"
rachel,oh yes.,phoebe,well this doesn’t even smell like opium.
ross,"of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! and thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.",phoebe,"oh ross, calm down, i’ll give you the 80 cents."
ross,a little? your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. oh look at that! the ornamental bird cage! large!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,hey.,phoebe,"oh ross no. be careful, that is very old! okay? early colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that."
ross,fascinating.,phoebe,another amazing find! wow! oh i bet this has a great story too!
rachel,"oh it does, it does! it is a room separating apparatus from colonial times.",phoebe,ah!
rachel,"well there’s yore. and uh, y’know, yesteryear.",phoebe,"yeah no, i’m telling you rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. ross, y’know if you ever decide you need to redecorate—and i think that you should. you should, you should ask rachel to help."
rachel,oh honey he doesn’t need my help.,phoebe,"oh, come on! i think he’s ready to get rid of, what did you call it? the cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk."
rachel,"y’know what? i don’t, i don’t think phoebe really wants to come.",phoebe,no! i do want to!
ross,she does want to.,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,"pheebs, i don’t know what to say. i guess the flea market was just better last time.",phoebe,well at least i got these sheets for ross.
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"uck, look at this! pottery barn, yuck!"
rachel,"yeah, y’know what? don’t look at it.  seriously, don’t look at it.",phoebe,no! look-look! there’s the coffee table they stole from us!
rachel,"ugh, those bastards! let’s go.",phoebe,that fan kinda looks like ours. and the birdcage and the…wait a sec! this is our exact living room!
rachel,"no! no! no! no it’s not! no it’s not! come on! phoebe, ours is totally different! i mean we don’t have the…  we don’t have the…that lamp! and-and that screen is y’know, on the other side.",phoebe,"oh my god. this is where you got all our stuff, pottery barn! oh my god!"
rachel,"okay! okay-okay look—no i did, i just wanted this stuff and i know how you feel about pottery barn. just… come on don’t be mad.",phoebe,"no-no-no, but i am mad! i am mad! because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! and it’s all sitting up in my living room and all i can think about is how i don’t have that lamp!"
rachel,"well then honey, buy the lamp! hey, we have that 60 bucks from ross.",phoebe,i can’t! i can’t! unless… well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if i didn’t buy that lamp?
rachel,what?! no! i’m not gonna move out!,phoebe,but are you saying that you would move out if i didn’t buy that lamp?
rachel,oh. yes! i would so move out!,phoebe,okay then i don’t have a choice! i have to buy that lamp!
rachel,that’s right!,phoebe,but at least the apothecary table is real.
chandler,"oh, well... maybe ill join them some time. i just hope the club doesnt slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.",phoebe,hi!
rachel and monica,hey!,phoebe,listen! you have to help me pick a dress cause im meeting mikes parents tonight!
monica,"wow, the boyfriends parents! thats a big step.",phoebe,really? that hadnt occurred to me.
monica,"they just gonna love you, just be yourself.",phoebe,they live on the upper east side on park avenue!
rachel,"oh yeah, she cant be herself.",phoebe,"okay, so... allright... which dress?  you can say neither."
rachel,"ssshyeah, well, duh! i mean...",phoebe,so... now... what about with mikes mom?
monica,she said what?,phoebe,thats shes like the daughter she never had.  listen!
mike,wow! you look like... like my mom.,phoebe,im wearing pantyhose!
mike,great! come on in!,phoebe,"oh, thank you! oh... oh my god, youre rich!"
mike,"no, my parents are rich.",phoebe,"yeah, so... they gotta die someday.  hello!"
mike,"mom, dad, this is phoebe. phoebe, these are my parents: theodore and bitsy.",phoebe,theodore... bitsy... what a delight!
bitsy,its so nice to finally meet you!,phoebe,and you... your home is lovely.
bitsy,"well thank you, ill give you a tour later. its actually three floors.",phoebe,holy crap!
bitsy,"phoebe, why dont you come in the living room and meet our friends?",phoebe,"oh, try and stop me!"
mike,hey... wh... what are you doing?,phoebe,im trying to get your parents to like me.
mike,"yeah, im sure they will, but you dont have to do this... im wanting them to get to know phoebe, not  phoebe...",phoebe,got it! it... its hard to stop...
bitsy,"phoebe, come sit. tell us a little bit about yourself... so where are you from?",phoebe,"uhm... okay, well, allright, uhm... originally im from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... i just moved to the city where uhm... i actually lived in a burned out buick lesabre for a while...  which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... i got hepatitis, you know, cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but i... i got over it and uhm... anyway, now im uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isnt always steady money but at least i dont pay taxes, huh...  so... where does everyone summer?"
mike,"no, no, no, youre doing fine, really... why dont you go talk to my dad?",phoebe,"okay, okay, okay, okay... still sure about me being myself?"
mike,absolutely! or maybe just a little less pimp spit.,phoebe,so theodore... i uhm... i can see where mike gets his good looks from...
theodore,oh... well...,phoebe,yeah... and that physique! you must work out all the time...
theodore,"oh no, not all the time... i do the best i can...",phoebe,yeah i bet! look out!
theodore,oh! owwwww!,phoebe,"oh my god, are you okay?"
theodore,i recently had surgery.,phoebe,im so sorry!
theodore,"no, ill be fine... i just should check the stitches...",phoebe,"i really, really am sorry."
mike,uhm... did you just hit my dad?,phoebe,"yes... im sorry, ive never met a boyfriends parents before..."
mike,"but, i mean, you have met... humans before, right? look, why dont you go talk to my mom?",phoebe,"yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... she looks nice, i can talk to her."
mike,"yeah, you do that, and i go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding.",phoebe,"yeah... oh bitsy, hi. uhm... listen i just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight."
bitsy,"well, not at all...",phoebe,also uhm... i just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
bitsy,"thank you, i think so too.",phoebe,"well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. especially to you. because hes very respectful of women."
bitsy,is he really?,phoebe,are you kidding. he is so considerate of my feelings and... you know i think... youd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
bitsy,e-e-excuse me?,phoebe,"oh no, no, no, no, no, no. dont get me wrong. no, hes not in like a sissy way. no, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave..."
rachel,nothing else worked. that girl is all about the ass...,phoebe,"...and then it goes back to the chorus... smelly cat, sme-lly ca-t / i-ts not your fau-lt. and thats the end of the song... i realise that you didnt ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes."
mike,phoebe writes lots of great songs. wha... what was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?,phoebe,"oh, pervert parade?"
mike,no...,phoebe,"oh, ode to a pubic hair?"
mike,stop!,phoebe,oh god! is that veal?
bitsy,oh!,phoebe,"oh no, no, no, no... thats okay, thats okay... i mean, im... i am a vegetarian... except for veal... yeah no, veal i love..."
mike,phoebe you dont have to eat...,phoebe,"no, no, no, i actually its any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... you know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it...  hmmm... yummy  hmmm..."
bitsy,the woman you what?,phoebe,yeah... the woman you what?
mike,the woman i love...  i love you... which is probably something i shouldnt say for the first time in front of my parents... and tom and sue...who are by the way the most sinfully boring ive ever met in my life...,phoebe,i love you too...
mike,you do?,phoebe,yeah...! how great is this...?
mike,wanna get out of here?,phoebe,okay.
mike,"mom, dad, thanks for dinner.",phoebe,i had a great time.  it was really top drawer.
photographer,well then why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids.,phoebe,"okay.  hey mon, why did you tell the guys you weren’t pregnant?"
monica,because i’m not.,phoebe,"we found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant——it’s because i am."
monica,what are you talking about?,phoebe,"yes, i…i am with child.  and i didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day; i didn’t want to steal your thunder."
monica,yeah!,phoebe,i can’t say.
chandler,why not?,phoebe,i can’t say because he’s famous.
monica,"phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.",phoebe,"okay, okay. it’s james brolin. james brolin is the father of my baby."
chandler,as in barbara streisand’s husband james brolin?,phoebe,what?! well he never said that to me!
photographer,why don’t we have monica step away and we’ll get chandler and the bridemaids.,phoebe,how about just the bridemaids?
chandler,y’know i am the groom right? i was told it was kinda big deal.,phoebe,it is.
rachel,for you.,phoebe,oh my god!
rachel,"oh, thank you for doing that. i just can’t deal with this just quite yet.",phoebe,so instead you told me monica was pregnant.
rachel,"you said that she was, i just didn’t disagree with you.",phoebe,sneaky.
rachel,oh!  oh by the way?,phoebe,uh-hmm.
rachel,james brolin?,phoebe,"oh, i know. i could only think of two names, him and ed begley jr. and then i remembered he’s gay."
rachel,ed begley jr. is not gay.,phoebe,really?!
monica,"well, the good news is, i don’t think anyone’s looking at us.",phoebe,"so, are you ready to talk about it?"
rachel,no.,phoebe,now?
rachel,no!,phoebe,"okay, we’ll talk about something else then."
rachel,thank you.,phoebe,who’s the father?!
rachel,"ugh! look honey y’know what? i haven’t told him yet, so until i do i don’t think i should tell anybody else.",phoebe,yeah. that’s fine. that’s fair. is it tag?
rachel,phoebe!!,phoebe,"okay, i’m sorry. i’ll stop."
rachel,okay.,phoebe,"is it ross? it’s ross isn’t it—oh my god, it’s joey!"
rachel,"honey, stop it! i am not going to tell you until i tell him.",phoebe,ah-hah! at least we know it’s a him.
rachel,oh yes! thank you very much!  oh that’s-that’s actually how the french drink it.,phoebe,"well, i just got off the phone with my lover, james brolin…"
monica,oh really?!,phoebe,"yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. and i said, james, james brolin, are you sure? james brolin said…"
monica,rachel’s really the one who’s pregnant.,phoebe,what?!  why bother?
rachel,i don’t know. i don’t know how i feel. this is all happening so fast. i have to make all these decisions that i don’t want to make.  somebody just take this away from me!!,phoebe,calm down. maybe you’re not pregnant.
rachel,what?!,phoebe,"when i got pregnant with the triplets, i took that test like three times just to make sure."
rachel,how many ways are there to do that?,phoebe,"i’m-i’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re a hundred percent sure."
monica,okay.,phoebe,i’ll run out and get you one.
monica,"oh, wait a minute! who’s is the father?!",phoebe,"oh no, she won’t tell us."
rachel,"wh—hey, i just gave you peeing on a stick.",phoebe,see? this is why you register.
rachel,how much longer?,phoebe,30 seconds.
rachel,oh i know. i know.,phoebe,it’s time.
rachel,"oh wait! y’know what? i can’t, i can’t look at it. i can’t. somebody else tell me, somebody tell me.",phoebe,okay.
rachel,okay.,phoebe,"umm, it’s negative."
rachel,what?,phoebe,it’s negative.
monica,"well… well, great.",phoebe,here.
rachel,thanks.  god this is so stupid!  how could i be upset over something i never had? it’s negative?,phoebe,"no, it’s positive."
rachel,what?!,phoebe,"it’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive."
rachel,are you sure?,phoebe,"well yeah, i lied before."
monica,oh god…,phoebe,now you know how you really feel about it.
rachel,yeah. i’m gonna have a baby. i’m gonna have a baby. i’m gonna have a baby!,phoebe,with who?
ross,wait a minute! no! i’m the nice one! i’m the one who danced with the kids all night! how…how small are your feet?!,phoebe,oh my god! i can’t believe my little brother is married!
frank,oh i know!!,phoebe,"you guys, why didn’t you tell me you were eloping?"
frank,"‘cause it just sorta happened, y’know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch…",phoebe,"wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?"
frank,"we were having lunch. yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, hey! yknow, we’re here, having lunch let’s get married!",phoebe,"wow, a year and a half ago i didn’t even know i had a brother, and now i have a sister too.  okay. okay. stop it, don’t. so, i gotta get you a gift now. is there anything you need?"
frank,"yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. so we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.",phoebe,that’s a really nice gift. i was thinking of like a gravy boat.
joey,"yeah but, i can pronounce jurassic.",phoebe,hey!!
all,hey!,phoebe,"guess what. frank jr., and alice got married!"
all,oh my god!!,phoebe,"and! and, they’re gonna have a baby!  and! and, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus."
monica,are you serious?,phoebe,yeah
joey,you’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?!,phoebe,"ewww! and oh no! it’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. it’s her-it’s her egg and her sperm, and i’m-i’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun."
monica,what did you tell them?,phoebe,"well, they said that i had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? i’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give."
monica,"yeah, like you’re gonna be pregnant. i mean pregnant.",phoebe,i know!
ross,"pheebs, you’re talking about putting your body through an awful lot, i mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it’s all for somebody else!",phoebe,"yeah, what’s your point?"
rachel,wow! i don’t know if i could ever do that. i always figured the first time i had a baby was with somebody i love and that baby would be a…keeper.,phoebe,yknow you guys were a lot more supportive when i wanted to make denim furniture.
rachel,"yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who’s had a baby. like your mom?",phoebe,my mom never gave birth. oh! but my birth mom did.
phoebe sr,it’s open! come in!,phoebe,hi!
phoebe sr,hi!,phoebe,"i’m sorry, i’m late."
phoebe sr,"oh, that’s okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.",phoebe,wow! you really go all out when you’re expecting company.
phoebe sr,"no, i was working on my pottery.",phoebe,"oh! ooh! oh, i didn’t know that you did…pot."
phoebe sr,"well, yeah, mostly nudes. it combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.",phoebe,"ooh, erotiery!"
phoebe sr,hey! okay! well thanks for coming out to see me. i just-i just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. y’know…,phoebe,okay.
phoebe sr,"i really don’t think it’s a very good idea, phoebe.",phoebe,why not?
phoebe sr,"well, because you’d be giving up a baby, and i-i really don’t—i don’t know if there’s anything i can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. so, umm,",phoebe,oh no! no-no! i understand the pain! don’t-don’t hurt the puppy.
phoebe sr,"no-no-no, the-the puppy’s yours.",phoebe,"oh, i get a puppy!!"
phoebe sr,"well, yeah! i mean yeah, but only for three days.",phoebe,why?
phoebe sr,"i realise i don’t have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm,  uhh… phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it’s very important.",phoebe,okay.
phoebe sr,"i mean, i know what i’m talking about. i gave up two babies, and i only wish i had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. i just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. so, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child.  i really shouldn’t have given you the puppy first.",phoebe,"all right, i’m sorry."
chandler,why is phoebe singing to carl mulden?,phoebe,"ooh, y’know what, i think it’s time for puppy to go out again. come on, let’s go to the balcony."
monica,what?!,phoebe,"umm, the street. come on, let’s go to the street. ooh, listen, don’t go onto the balcony until after i get back."
another scientist,and i need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before i leave a room or my family will die.,phoebe,"my mom’s gonna be here any minute. i can’t do this, i can’t give him up. yes—no, i can. i don’t want to. but i can. no."
rachel,"ooh, it was only okay.",phoebe,"ooh, i can’t do this. my mom was right. if i can’t-if i can’t give him up, then there’s no way i can give up a baby. ohh, god, frank and alice are gonna be so crushed. what-what else, what else can i give ‘em—a kidney!"
alice,"none. but if there was something you wanted to tell us, we’re just gonna be right over there  having coffee.",phoebe,okay.
frank,"oh, who’s this little guy?!",phoebe,oh! ooh! umm!
alice,"you are so precious, i could just take you home.",phoebe,"hey, why don’t you?"
frank,are you serious?,phoebe,"uh-huh, yeah!"
monica,what are you doing?,phoebe,"no, i’m really okay with this. y’know why? ‘cause look at them, and i made that, so… i know it’s gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my god, it’s gonna feel like a million times better, right? i wanna do this.  i wanna carry your baby."
phoebe sr,hi! what’s going on?,phoebe,"oh, i-i gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that i decided i’m gonna carry their baby."
phoebe sr,but phoebe…,phoebe,"no-no-no, i know, but you and i are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and i know that i am not gonna regret this."
phoebe sr,"oh, i-i-i understand all that, but it’s just—that was my puppy.",phoebe,oh!
gary,"would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?",phoebe,"im fine, thanks."
chandler,hiya doin pumpkin?,phoebe,nope.
gary,ill see you after work sweetie.,phoebe,okay. bye!
monica,garys gonna ask you to move in with him!!,phoebe,what?! really?!
monica,"he just told me at the counter. he made me promise not to tell, but i couldnt hold it in any longer!",phoebe,i cant believe this!
chandler,"oh! good for you pheebs, way to go!",phoebe,"no, but it is fast. isnt it?"
monica,ohhhh!,phoebe,"no, i like him a lot but i dont think im ready for this!"
chandler,"so, what are you gonna do?",phoebe,i dont know. ill just handle it—ill ask you to talk to him!
chandler,me?! why me?,phoebe,"because you are so afraid of commitment! you talk to him, make him scared like you! make him a…man!"
chandler,hi!,phoebe,"hmm, did you talk to gary about the moving in thing?"
chandler,"yes i did, and i think you should do it.",phoebe,what?!
chandler,"hes a great guy, yknow? and he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.",phoebe,you are useless! freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! the one thing! and you cant even do that right! god!
chandler,"i’m sorry.  if you ask me, id move in with him.",phoebe,"ohh!! god!  ooh!  get out of here, good for nothing."
gary,"hi sweetie.  hi, can i talk to you for a second?",phoebe,yeah! okay.
gary,you look very pretty today.,phoebe,thanks! okay.
gary,heres the thing.,phoebe,yeah?
gary,yknow i really want to move this relationship forward.,phoebe,uh-hmm.
gary,"because if youre not moving forward, yknow youre just moving backwards.",phoebe,"no thats not true. if youre not moving forward, youre just staying still. and staying still is good. watch this."
gary,phoebe?,phoebe,yeah?
gary,i want you to move in with me.,phoebe,that is so sweet. but dont you think its a little too soon? i mean theres so much we dont know about each other.
gary,"oh. oh-oh-okay, i get it.",phoebe,i just—i dont want us to jump into something were not ready for.
gary,uh-huh.,phoebe,i really dont want to mess up what we have. im just—im worried its gonna be a big mistake.
gary,yeah.,phoebe,which is why my answer is yes!
gary,really?!,phoebe,uh-huh!  im so…happy.
gary,we have great news!,phoebe,were moving in together! isnt it great! yay!
all,congratulations! congrats!,phoebe,"i know, im so excited!"
gary,so am i!,phoebe,"well, youre not more excited than i am! no way! im the most excited!"
gary,"okay, ill see you at the station later.",phoebe,"okay, yeah, ill see you later! dont forget about the moving in!"
monica,so youre moving in with him. what happened?,phoebe,"i couldnt tell him no. he got so sad. maybe itll be all right. i do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money ill save on stamps."
monica,"why, do you write him a lot?",phoebe,"no, i just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. dont they?"
all,yeah! thats right. yeah-yeah! yeah!,phoebe,"oh, im sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out."
gary,"hey, honey! okay, so did you find any apartments? anything in brooklyn heights?",phoebe,"no, nothing."
gary,oh really?,phoebe,yeah.
gary,nothing at all?,phoebe,"no, as soon as something opens up well move right in. unless it doesnt have a pool, i need a pool."
gary,"phoebe, can i talk to you for a second?",phoebe,uh-huh!
gary,take a seat. you okay? you feeling all right?,phoebe,"yeah, i feel great. cause were moving in together."
gary,"so you uh, you checked the paper for listings in brooklyn heights, right? you-you checked the post?",phoebe,"yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing.  can i get some water?"
gary,in a minute. you-you checked todays post?,phoebe,"umm, yeah! todays."
gary,"cause uh, this is todays post and uh, these are the listings i found.  brooklyn heights, two bedroom.  brooklyn heights, one bedroom.  brooklyn heights,  brooklyn heights,  brooklyn heights!",phoebe,are these for rent! i thought people were just bragging!
gary,"let me tell you what i think might be going on.  no-no-no, dont look at the table. look at me.  okay, i think somebody asked someone to move in with them. and i think someone said, yes but now shes having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. does that sound at all possible to you?",phoebe,yes. yes! fine! i am someone! you want me to say it? i have doubts!  im sorry!
gary,phoebe…,phoebe,yeah?
gary,"phoebe, its okay that you feel this way. i mean it is soon. and theres a lot of things we dont know about each other, and i just figure that everything i really like. and the things i dont know, i get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.",phoebe,thats so sweet.
gary,"sweethart, but none of that matters if its too soon for you. its fine! we dont have to move in together. i just—i want you to be happy",phoebe,living with you would make me happy.
gary,"phoebe, you dont have to say that.",phoebe,"no, i really wanna live with you! i wanna move in with you!"
gary,are you sure?,phoebe,yes. definitely! yes! lets live in an apartment that we both live in!
gary,oh thats great!,phoebe,"oh wait, one sec. one sec.  hey you! behind the glass! who are you looking at! ive always wanted to say that when i was in one of these rooms,  which was never!"
gary,i really like waking up with you.,phoebe,"i like waking up with you too.  oh! its such a beautiful morning.  oh, i can stay here all day."
gary,that would be great!,phoebe,we could have breakfast in bed…
gary,"wait, just a second.",phoebe,okay.  oh! oh no.
monica,"all right! come on monica! look alive! come on, look alive!",phoebe,"oh good, youre all up."
rachel,phoebe! its 6 oclock in the morning! why arent you at garys?,phoebe,"oh yeah, thats over."
chandler,"come on! garys such a great guy! whatever the problem is, you can work it out!",phoebe,he shot a bird!
rachel,"phoebe, are you okay?",phoebe,"yeah. yeah, ill be alright."
joey,"oh hey, here pheebs.",phoebe,"nah, i dont feel like playing."
rachel,"phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast?",phoebe,yeah!
rachel,"i am so proud of joey, i cant believe hes going to be on law & order!",phoebe,i know. but dont you think that it should be called order and law?
rachel,no because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.,phoebe,dont get me started on that.
ross,"well im sorry but you were! okay? and besides if anyone should be hitting on her its the guy whos single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.",phoebe,sounds like somebody wants to be mr. pizza delivery girl.
rachel,"okay, yknow what? we dont need her measurements.",phoebe,"okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay ross, i know shes pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! she forgot my vegetarian!"
ross,"this is perfect! shell have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, ill turn on the charm-o-ross. oh im so glad you dont eat meat.",phoebe,see? vegetarianism benefits everyone.
rachel,big night!,phoebe,this is so cool!
monica,you have got to go home!,phoebe,but i like it here!
monica,you gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? chandler wants me to wear them tonight.,phoebe,"okay, well i think that theyre in my purse. why dont you go get dressed and ill look for them."
monica,great!,phoebe,"okay!  rach, hi, i need those earrings you borrowed."
joey,"wow pheebs, you speak italian?",phoebe,i guess so.
rachel,here you go. thank you!,phoebe,"wait, rach! wheres the other one?"
rachel,"oh what, you-you want both of them?",phoebe,"rachel karen green, wheres the other earring?!"
rachel,"okay, okay, okay, look, just dont freak out, but i kinda lost it. i know its in the apartment, but i definitely lost it.",phoebe,"well, what am i going to tell monica? she wants to wear them tonight!"
rachel,tell her to wear her own earrings.,phoebe,these are her earrings.
rachel,nooo! nooooo! you lent me monicas earrings?! im not allowed to borrow her stuff!,phoebe,why not?
ross,"all right, all right. you-you-you know what im going to do? i am going to order another pizza and when caitlin gets here, you-you--i will show how well i flirt. yeah! i will, i will get her phone number!  and not the one on the menu!",phoebe,i found it!
rachel,ohh! thank god! where was it?,phoebe,on your dresser.
ross,are you sure?,phoebe,maybe your scenes coming up?
joey,im in it.,phoebe,"this is terrible, what are you going to do?"
joey,"i dont know. this little, old lady lives for my career. when they dumped me off of days of our lives she almost died.",phoebe,thats not good.
monica,"phoebe! i have to have those earrings, were going to leave as soon as the show is over.",phoebe,but i already gave them back to you!
monica,no you didnt.,phoebe,"all right, i already didnt give them back to you, thats what i said.  where is that other earring?"
rachel,"its not here pheebs, its not here. ohh, i went to joey and chandlers last night! okay!",phoebe,make sure you check chandlers jewelry box.
rachel,wait a minute. chandler has a jewelry box?,phoebe,"okay, we have like ten minutes. do you want me to get into that now?!"
ross,"hey pheebs! hows that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? you and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?",phoebe,why are you being weird?
ross,do you like it?,phoebe,"no, that would be, why are you being cute?"
ross,"okay, im working on my flirting.",phoebe,ohh! i did not get that.
rachel,hey!,phoebe,did you find it?
rachel,"the earring? no. but look, i found my sunglasses under the couch! ive been looking for these since like last summer.",phoebe,"okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me."
monica,phoebe!,phoebe,what are we going to do?!
rachel,"i dont know, i dont know.",phoebe,"all right well, were just gonna have to tell monica, thats all."
rachel,"oh gosh, shes going to kill me.",phoebe,i suppose i could tell her its just all my fault.
rachel,ohh thatd be great!,phoebe,"mon, can i talk to you for a sec?"
monica,"yeah, what is it?",phoebe,"umm, i lost one of your earrings. im sorry! i am so, so sorry!"
monica,"wow! all right well, i mean, what can you do? if you lost it you lost it.",phoebe,"i will replace it, i promise. i feel so terrible."
monica,"all right, sweetie thats fine. you didnt do it on purpose.",phoebe,no.
monica,look at you! come here!  feel better?,phoebe,yeah! youre the best!
monica,yes!,phoebe,"oh, right!"
chandler,more so than anything else.,phoebe,i-i-i found it interesting.
rachel,"okay, well, im gonna clear out some of these boxes.",phoebe,ross?
ross,yeah?,phoebe,what else do they add smell too?
joey,"now, i wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars.  choo! choo! choo!  filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if i dont get it… choo!! and if i dont get it,  im gonna shoot this duck!",phoebe,oh no!
joey,"thats uh, scenes from next weeks show. next weeks!",phoebe,i am definitely gonna watch that! ending credits
monica,what about these? these look the same?,phoebe,definitely!
monica,not as each other!,phoebe,"oh, then no."
monica,no! rachel is meeting us here.,phoebe,"oh come on, they can be in the same room."
joey,"yeah, you shoulda been there last night.",phoebe,why? what happened now?
joey,anyway! her and ross just started yelling at each other.,phoebe,wait. why was he yelling at her? he’s the one who slept with someone else.
joey,"well, i guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now.",phoebe,"whoa!! he is soo unreasonable! god, although i think i understand what he means. oh my god, this is like 60 minutes, okay, when, when, at first you’re really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then yknow you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow."
chandler,"yknow what this is like? this is like when my parents got divorced. man, i hope ross doesn’t try to kidnap me after cub scouts.",phoebe,"yknow i had a dream where ross and rachel were still together, they never broke up. and we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy...."
joey,i had the same dream!,phoebe,"yeah, and nobody slept with that xerox girl."
rachel,closer than here?,phoebe,"oh, hey, look, i found coffee!  okay, let’s skedaddle."
rachel,"wait, i’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee.",phoebe,"okay, your highness."
rachel,"oh, well okay. well, there you go.",phoebe,"no, it’s just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants yknow, us to check it out."
rachel,"no, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that’s only fair.",phoebe,"ohhh boy, do i feel bad."
monica,very bad.,phoebe,chandler what are you doing?!
chandler,"well, actually, yesterday i was smoking again. today, i’m, i’m smoking still.",phoebe,why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?
chandler,"oh that’s great, with my luck, that’s gonna be him.",phoebe,"him? him, ross?"
joey,"hey, can you close that window chandler? my nipples can cut glass over here!",phoebe,wait. really?! ‘cause mine get me out of tickets.
ross,what’s going on?,phoebe,"well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, yknow rachel’s sister’s cabin."
ross,"yeah, that’s okay, i mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend i’m alone by myself, yknow then i totally, totally understand.",phoebe,"yknow what, i can stay, i’m gonna stay. ‘cause the last time i went skiing i was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, i just went around and around."
joey,what? mine aren’t tinted.,phoebe,chandler!!
chandler,what?,phoebe,what does the sign say?
chandler,beam me up jesus.,phoebe,"no, the ‘no smoking’ sign. there’s no smoking in my grandmother’s cab."
all,oh!,phoebe,please!
monica,ow!,phoebe,aren’t you gonna go?
rachel,"well, they never have any paper in there yknow. so my rule is ‘no tissue, no tuschy.’  well, if everybody’s going.",phoebe,"no, yknow what don’t close it  ‘cause the... keys...are in there."
joey,"if you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.",phoebe,"okay, monica’s are the biggest."
chandler,"ladies, ladies, let’s just compromise okay? phoebe, rachel take off monica’s bra.",phoebe,"all right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine."
chandler,"well, i thought if i littered, that crying indian might come by and save us.",phoebe,"okay, there."
chandler,at least let me smoke it to the good part.,phoebe,"okay.  oh, no!"
rachel,"what, what’s it, what’s going on?",phoebe,"yeah, this has happened before."
rachel,so you know how to fix it?,phoebe,yep. put more gas in.
ross,i guess it all started when rachel got this new job.,phoebe,"okay, yeah.  triple a can pick us up."
rachel,great!,phoebe,"yeah, what town are we near?"
monica,"freemont. west-westmont, ah westburg?",phoebe,then why are you answering? do you at least know what route we’re on?
rachel,"yeah, we are definitely on route 27.",phoebe,"okay.  we are at a rest stop on route 27. okay. there is no route 27.   okay, either 93 or 76?"
rachel,"i don’t know, i’m sorry, i always slept in the back when we drove up here.",phoebe,"okay.  hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check every rest stop, and, and also 93?  okay!  yeah, no they don’t do that."
rachel,"no! no, i am not getting in a car with ross, we will just have to live here!",phoebe,but if...
rachel,"no you guys, i am not getting in a car with him, you’ll have to think of something else.",phoebe,"oh good, oh joey and chandler are back."
carol,"no. but it’s okay, i’ll just put out pickles or something.",phoebe,"ross, thank god."
ross,"pheebs? what, why are you whispering?",phoebe,i ate a bug.
monica,"hey rach, the tampons here are only a penny. let’s stock up.",phoebe,"listen ross, we ran out of gas, and we don’t know where we are, so we can’t get a tow truck."
ross,"oh, now you want a favour?",phoebe,"yes, please."
rachel,"op, op, car! car!!  ugh!!!",phoebe,"oh, it’s ross on one of his drives!"
chandler and joey,hey!!,phoebe,hi!
chandler,"oh no, now it’s not gonna make any sense!",phoebe,"you guys, what, what do we do about ross who drove all the way up here? what do we do? just like send him back and we’re then gonna go skiing?"
joey,what?,phoebe,"yknow what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here."
chandler,"guys, guys, guess who i am?!",phoebe,"hey! hey! hey! hey!! hey!!!  look what you’re doing to chandler!!   yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. okay?  you don’t, all right you don’t have to love each other, okay? you don’t, you don’t even have to like each other much right now. but please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other."
joey,"yeah, and not put us in the middle.",phoebe,"yeah, otherwise, i mean that’s, that’s, that’s just it for us hanging out together. yknow is that what you want?  can you be civil?"
ross,i can.,phoebe,"okay. good, all right, let’s get back in the car, ‘cause it’s freezing, and my chest is unsupported."
ross,okay.,phoebe,maybe we can like go to a movie or something.
ross,okay.,phoebe,"or, or the rodeo!!"
ross,that would be great.,phoebe,okay!
ross,i know!,phoebe,bye!!!
rachel,so hot i cried myself to sleep last night.,phoebe,"hey mike, whats the capital of peru?"
mike,lima.,phoebe,no. it starts with a v and ends with an x. helpfully with a to in the middle.
mike,"you know, kinda think of it, the capital of peru is vtox.  oh god! oh!",phoebe,what?
mike,"ok, i dont want to freak you out or anything, but i think i just saw a rat in your cupboard.",phoebe,"oh, whew, no, thats bob."
mike,"what, is he your pet rat?",phoebe,"well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who i put food out for, you know. kinda like santa. except santa doesnt poop on the plate of cookies."
mike,"you cant keep a rat in your appartment! theyre extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.",phoebe,what are those?
mike,i dont know but they dont sound like spa treatments. you have to get rid of it!,phoebe,"ok, fine, if it means that much to you ill get rid of bob."
mike,thank you.,phoebe,"so weird, you think hes so gross and youre willing to eat his crackers."
monica,take me home!,phoebe,hey mikey
mike,hey p,phoebe,what are you doing?
mike,setting rat traps.,phoebe,to kill bob??
mike,"no, no, to test his neck strength.",phoebe,"no, mike, i dont want to kill him! i thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl."
mike,"ok, ok, ill throw away the traps.",phoebe,"ill find bob, ill get him. bob?  bob! robert!  oh wait, i think i hear him. oh - oh my god! bob had babies! bobs a mom!"
mike,better think of a new name for him.,phoebe,"i dont know, i kinda like bob for a girl."
mike,"i dont know, i mean im not sure  ...",phoebe,"oh my god, we killed bob!"
mike,"maybe it wasnt bob, maybe it was a mouse.",phoebe,suzie?
rachel,"oh, give me!",phoebe,"be careful, be careful! these are my rat babies!"
monica,so this is what a stroke feels like.,phoebe,"i had to bring them! we killed their mother, theyre our responsibility now. you know, they require constant care. you should know that, rachel, youre a mother."
rachel,are you comparing my daughter to a rat?,phoebe,"no! seven rats! i think we should take them home, we need feed them."
rachel,"whhh wait, youre gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?",phoebe,"well im sorry rachel, but im not like you, ok? not everyone can afford help."
joey,"its like my favorite fairy tale come true!  the princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!",phoebe,"ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and i start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed."
mike,"hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?",phoebe,"well, you know what, theyre our responsibility now."
mike,"ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. what happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?",phoebe,mate? theyre all brothers and sisters.
mike,"yeah - not such a problem with rats. no, theyre more of a love the one youre with kind of animals.",phoebe,"no.  wh - get off your sister! oh my god, what are we gonna do? we have 7 rats. so what if each of them has 7 rats? and then each of those have 7 rats? thats like ...  thats math i cant even do! what are we gonna do?"
mike,"well, i know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.",phoebe,"yeah, ok. i guess youre right. allright, so we should just give them away. but to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. theyre bobs favorites."
mike,its gonna be ok.,phoebe,you must think im crazy.
mike,"no, i think youre sweet.",phoebe,"good. its just so hard, its hard for me to ... let them go. i guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when i gave birth to my brothers triplets and i had to give them up.  i havent told you about that yet, have i?"
chandler,"first i was afraid, i was petrified",phoebe,hey
chandler,hi,phoebe,"listen, i think ive left something here."
chandler,"oh, well someone left this . this is yours?",phoebe,"no, but i like it. i think i left one of my rat babies."
monica,ohmygod! rat baby! rat baby! rat baby!,phoebe,"ooh, maybe thats him!"
joey,"see after the scene, mr. beatty comes up to me and says good actor, bad kisser. can you believe that, me not a good kisser, thats like, like mother theresa, not a good mother.",phoebe,"well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. what does warren beatty know about kissing  ooh."
joey,"yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, mr. beatty wants to see it again on monday. man, i gotta figure out what im doing wrong. oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.",phoebe,"uh-huh, lets go.  oh, wait i have gum. okay.  good, very good, firm but tender. id recommend you to a friend."
rachel,"look you guys, i have to go, im the maid-of-honor. and besides you know what i just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.",phoebe,ooh-oh! someones wearing the same clothes they had on last night. someone get a little action?
joey,"aww, rach, i think you look cute  and you, uh, you, you i could eat with a spoon .",phoebe,"so hows your date with your cyberchick going. ooh, hey, what is all that ."
chandler,"oh, its a website, its the, uh, the guggenheim museum. see, she likes art, and i like funny words.",phoebe,"you know, what i think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. it could be a guy."
joey,"angela? joey tribiani. listen, what are ya doing tonight. i know your seeing that guy i was thinking maybe you could bring him.....hello? hello?",phoebe,"arent you gonna answer her, thats like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. she wants to know whats wrong?"
chandler,"hey, look, phoebe i wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but shes married, she has a husband.",phoebe,"what if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. i mean you dont get chances like this all the time, if you dont meet her now, youre gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and thats how you break a hip."
chandler,"where is she, where is she?  oh, hey, i have a question, where is she?",phoebe,"chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. its like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. i think what you have to do is try not to..."
chandler,you have to pick your moments.,phoebe,"did i miss it, did i miss it?"
monica,whats with the guitar?,phoebe,"i just thought we might be here for awhile. you know, things might get musical."
lydia,ok.,phoebe,"thanks, ross."
ross,yeah. im paying you to stop.,phoebe,ok.
rachel,hey.,phoebe,"hey. ooh, look at you, dressy-dress."
susan,yes.,phoebe,"hey, hey, ok, all right, thats it! get in here. come on. my god, you guys, i dont believe you. there are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. so just stop all the yelling, just stop it!"
ross,"yeah, susan.",phoebe,"dont make me do this again, i dont like my voice like this."
ross,help! help!,phoebe,"they found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next... la la la la la la."
ross,every day is lesbian lover day.,phoebe,this is so great.
ross,you wanna explain that?,phoebe,"i mean, well, cause when i was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so i barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. and heres this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that theyre fighting over who gets to love it the most. and its not even born yet. its just, its just the luckiest baby in the whole world.  im sorry, you were fighting."
ross,"ok, got the vent open.",phoebe,"hi, im ben. im hospital worker ben. its ben... to the rescue!"
susan,what do you see?,phoebe,"well, susan, i see what appears to be a dark vent. wait. yes, it is in fact a dark vent."
carol,really?,phoebe,"you guys, hes beautiful!"
ross,"i know, i know. everybody, theres someone id like you to meet. yeah. this is ben. ben, this is everybody.",phoebe,"susan, he looks just like you."
joey,"ben, ben, hey ben. nothing. i dont think thats his name.",phoebe,"oh, look, look, hes closing his eyes.  look, hes opening his eyes."
ross,"all right, ill see you guys later.",phoebe,"oh, look, hes closing his eyes again."
chandler,let’s not do that any more.,phoebe,"it’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, i mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though i did it... later that same day. but, to my parents, by then it was like yeah, right, well what else is new?"
chandler,"yeah, listen. okay, before you do anything joey-like, you might wanna run it by err...",phoebe,"well, i mean, i’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... i mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... i don’t know, why not? okay."
jamie,it looks like her.,phoebe,good choice.
joey,"phoebe, could you do me a favour? could you try this on? i just wanna make sure it fits.",phoebe,"ooh, my first birthday present...  ..oh, this is really..."
joey,"i don’t know. i like her, you know. she’s different. there’s uh, somethin’ about her.",phoebe,"that you like,  we get it. you like her. great!"
chandler,"you know, ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.",phoebe,"alright, could i just ask you one question?"
monica,"okay, i think i get how to do this.",phoebe,"alright, so, can we turn this off? can we just make it... make them go away? because i can’t, i can’t watch."
rachel,"okay, pheebs, can i ask? so, he’s going out with her. i mean, is it really so terrible?",phoebe,"um, yeah. look, i mean, i’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. she just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. when i was eight, and i wouldn’t let her have my judy jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. and then, oh, and then there was randy brown, who was like... have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?"
rachel,"oh please, they’ve been going out a week. they haven’t even slept together yet, i mean, that’s not serious.",phoebe,okay... okay.
chandler,yeah!,phoebe,with what?
monica,"well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies.",phoebe,oo! you should have one of us do it!
monica,"phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married.",phoebe,no! no! it’s-it’s uh a real thing! anyone can get ordained on the internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
monica,are you serious?,phoebe,yes! a friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!
joey,i call it!!,phoebe,what?! no! it was my idea!
monica,"hey pheebs, how’s it going?",phoebe,"oh, i have a headache. a horrible headache!"
monica,"oh, i’m sorry. can i get you something?",phoebe,"oh my god, you’ve got to stop chattering!"
monica,"here, take a couple of these.",phoebe,what is it?
monica,it’s hexadrin.,phoebe,"oh no, i don’t believe in western medicine. no, if you just apply pressure to these points right here.  then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks."
monica,"okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, i’m gonna sit you down on the couch. come on.  get some nice soft pillows under your head, i’m gonna turn the tv on and you can watch whatever you want. and i’m—sit down——gonna make you some tea. and then, i’m gonna rub your feet.",phoebe,oh.
rachel,yes.,phoebe,it’s amazing! my headache is completely gone! what are those pills called?
monica,hexadrin.,phoebe,"oh, i love you hexadrin!  oh look! it comes with a story!"
monica,"no phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.",phoebe,say what?
monica,"y’know, the possible side affects.",phoebe,"oh my god!  dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—headache. vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! now okay, i don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! oh i’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!"
monica,"phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! they just put it on there for legal reasons!",phoebe,why?
chandler,our minister…,phoebe,i have liver damage. ow! oh!
monica,"phoebe, your liver is right here.",phoebe,"okay, then i must be disoriented."
ben,oh crap!,phoebe,i feel like my face is swelling.  is my face swelling?
monica,"phoebe, your face is fine! come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! stop being such a baby!",phoebe,"oh, interesting you should call me that! now that i may never have one!"
monica,"i gotcha. sorry.  so, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?",phoebe,did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?
monica,it doesn’t say that!,phoebe,oh! suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!
joey,oh…  can you imagine if i hadn’t left you that last one? you two might’ve never gotten together. ooh-ooh! could you imagine if i sent that hooker up to the room like i was gonna?! it’s like it was in the stars!,phoebe,"yeah, it’s totally meant to be.  tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night."
chandler,what?,phoebe,what?!
joey,this is crazy.,phoebe,i know! robin is so gay!
monica,yeah baby!,phoebe,"i’m really glad you guys are okay but, i just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two  actually had hooked up."
joey,here you go.,phoebe,oh my god! this is a six-hour pill!  that’s it! i’m out of the woods! ohh! what a relief!
joey,good for you!,phoebe,"oh, it’s like huge weight has been lifted! ‘cause look,  no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, i’m just so happy! because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—oh."
chandler,"yeah, can i get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a coke--diet coke.",phoebe,hey!
joey,mornin pheebs!,phoebe,"i have to tell you this story. okay, i was coming over here and this driver…"
joey,was his name angus?,phoebe,what?
joey,"oh, he was this cab driver we had in london.",phoebe,"oh. ha-ha-ha. all right, anyway…"
chandler,"ooh! ahh, pheebs, was gonna tell a story.",phoebe,"yeah, so, he had a really funny hat—i dont want to talk about it."
ross,"okay, i did not abandon rachel! okay? emily showed up at the airport! i had to go after her! i mean, i-i did what i had to do! shes my wife! rachel is my wife! yknow—emily! emily, is my wife! man, what is that?",phoebe,so you still hadnt heard from emily?
rachel,"yes it is! it is true! i went, i went after ross in stupid london.",phoebe,london is stupid! stupid!
rachel,"phoebe, you were right. i shouldve never gone to london, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.",phoebe,"oh… no, i did that for someone once and im not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someones life."
joey,say that to him and youre golden.,phoebe,hey!
monica,we got out pictures back from london.  heres all of us at the tower of london.,phoebe,"oh! here we all are! yeah, theres ross and joey and you and me."
chandler,"all right, yknow what, weve been talking about london too much havent we?",phoebe,"no. im sorry. its just cause i couldnt be there. cause all i ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out."
rachel,thats not european!,phoebe,"well, it felt french."
joey,"uh, okay, pheebs?",phoebe,yeah?
joey,"umm, yknow how the other day you were talking about how you didnt get to go to london and how you were kinda feeling left out?",phoebe,yeah?
joey,"all right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together!",phoebe,"ohh, thats so nice! how great! well, where? wheres the trip?!"
monica,"well, we thought we would all go to a picnic , in central park!",phoebe,central… park!
joey,"yeah, all of us! all day!",phoebe,"that sucks! thats not a trip! i just came from the park! what are we gonna high five about at the stupid central park? well, its right by my house, all right!"
chandler,i was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.,phoebe,"thats fine, just dont bring it in my mouth."
rachel,"phoebe, woo!",phoebe,"okay, woo! hi."
chandler,"okay, pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… yknow, it didnt have any… it-it, well it blew. so, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, atlantic city!",phoebe,"ooh, atlantic city! oh, thats a great plan! whos plan was that?"
monica,"okay, well, why dont we all meet upstairs in an hour?",phoebe,"okay! ooh-ahh, im gonna go pack. im gonna go pack my ass off!"
chandler,atlantic city!,phoebe,"atlantic city, baby! lets roll some bones! hey joey, high-five for rolling bones!"
the guys,ohh!,phoebe,"all right. well, dont worry, i call shotgun!"
rachel,"high-five, the babies are coming!",phoebe,"wait, wait, remember when my water broke? ending credits"
joey,"ah-ah-ah mr. smartie pants, it’s just not my character that’s not brain dead. hey, so pheebs, we still on for tonight?",phoebe,absolutely!
joey,i’ll see you at 8:00.,phoebe,okay.
chandler,"oh, what’s at 8:00?",phoebe,"oh, i have dinner plans with joey. we get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys."
ross,"wow, did not know that! may i say how lovely you look today?",phoebe,duly noted.
chandler,i used to undress my cousin glenn.,phoebe,joseph francis tribbiani are you home yet?!!
rachel,"umm, i think he’s still out. what’s wrong?",phoebe,"well, i’ll tell you rachel karen green, i had plans with joey tonight and he left me this note."
rachel,"pheebs, can’t make it, got a date. talk to you later. big daddy.  big daddy?",phoebe,oh that’s a nickname we were trying out.
joey,hey!,phoebe,oh! here’s joseph francis!
joey,oh-wha-ho! what are you middle naming me for?! i left you a note!,phoebe,so what?! that doesn’t give you the right to ditch me!
ross,"phoebe he’s right, that is the rule.",phoebe,"i don’t accept this rule. when me make plans, i expect you to show up. okay, i can’t just be a way to kill time ‘til you meet someone better! y’know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this  is for life!"
joey,wow! i’m so sorry; i had no idea it would bother you this much.,phoebe,"well, it does."
joey,"okay, can i-can i make it up to you? huh? i’m sorry.  how about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! i’ll pay for myself!",phoebe,"okay, you wore me down."
chandler,go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go!,phoebe,oh my god! that’s david!
monica,david who?,phoebe,"david the scientist guy, david that i was in love with, david who went to russia and broke my heart david!"
david,oh my god!,phoebe,"oh, you say someone’s name enough, they turn around."
david,phoebe?,phoebe,david!  what-what are you doing here? aren’t you supposed to be in russia?
david,"yeah, i’m just, i’m just in town for a conference. umm, god you look phenomenal!",phoebe,well… yeah. you look great too. did you get a haircut?
david,yeah. well i-i got like thirty of them.,phoebe,yeah.
david,"umm, look i-i-i got a confession to make…",phoebe,uh-huh.
david,"uh, i-i-i was hoping to run into you here. i didn’t know whether i should call or not, y’know i-i was only in town for a few days. and y’know, i didn’t want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but i-i really wanted to see you and—but i didn’t know if you wanted to see me.",phoebe,"well, of course i would want to see you. i…i think about you all the time."
david,really? because i think about you all the time.,phoebe,really?
david,"i mean, there’s a statue in minsk…",phoebe,uh-huh.
david,"that reminds me of you so much, i mean umm, it-it’s actually of lenin. but, y’know at certain angles…",phoebe,yeah.
david,"umm, anyway…do you want to have dinner tonight?",phoebe,yes! oh no!
david,"oh. uh, what?",phoebe,"i can’t. i can’t believe i have plans, i can’t. can you do it tomorrow night though?"
monica,"phoebe, can i talk to you for a second?",phoebe,uh-huh.
monica,what are you doing?,phoebe,"well, i have plans with joey tonight."
monica,so! he’ll understand!,phoebe,"no he won’t. and that’s not even the point! monica, i made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! and now y’know what? just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from russia just for one night, i-i should change my beliefs?! i should change beliefs! no! no! no, if i don’t have my principles, i don’t have anything!"
monica,"god, you are so strong.",phoebe,or! i should rush through dinner with joey and i can meet david at 9:00!
the waiter,hey!,phoebe,hey!
the waiter,are you guys ready?,phoebe,"yes! i will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water’s fine."
the waiter,okay.,phoebe,okay.
joey,"ohh, then no. maybe i should hear those specials again.",phoebe,"oh joey, we’ve heard the specials three times! okay? there’s prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli."
joey,"oh well, that changes everything!  y’know what pheebs?",phoebe,huh?
joey,"you were right before. i mean, friends are so important.",phoebe,"yeah, i’m very wise. i know."
joey,y’know-y’know what i really want?,phoebe,what?
joey,yes! i will have the lobster ravioli.,phoebe,"god joey, this is taking forever!"
joey,what’s the rush? what?,phoebe,w-w—i just—it’s that—i have—y’know i have-i have an appointment. and it’s very important.
joey,"whoa-whoa, what is it?",phoebe,well… it’s a date.
joey,"a date?! no, no pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because i know you wouldn’t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!",phoebe,"come on joey, don’t make me feel badly about this."
joey,"no, i’m gonna!! that’s right! yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin’ out with that girl! like-like-like i did something terrible to you! and now pheebs, you’re doing the same thing!",phoebe,"that—it’s not the same thing! this is totally different! this is with david! remember david, the scientist guy? okay, he’s very special to me."
joey,"okay, well my girl from the other night was special. she was a scientist too!",phoebe,she was?
joey,"well, she graduated from high school!",phoebe,"okay, whatever. y’know what? i don’t have time have time to convince you because he’s only here for four hours, and i’m gonna go see him!"
joey,fine!,phoebe,yeah!
joey,fine!,phoebe,yeah!
joey,"what are you still doin’ here?! i told you, lobster ravioli!",phoebe,hey!
david,"hey! oh, i was just about to leave. i-i-i-i didn’t think you were coming.",phoebe,"oh, i wouldn’t miss this."
david,"well, i’m very glad you’re here.",phoebe,"oh, you’re such a gentleman.  come on! we’re going to my place!"
david,"oh, i hate this but i-i-i have to go. i-i can’t miss my flight.",phoebe,are you sure? i’ll bet there’s another flight to minsk in like…
david,"july. umm,",phoebe,that’s really beautiful. what does it mean?
david,"please, clean my beakers. i don’t get out of the lab much.",phoebe,"that’s good. i got to admit, i thought it was something else."
david,"yeah, i… well i really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, i figured i probably shouldn’t because y’know, i…have to leave.",phoebe,you’re right! you’re right. don’t say it.
david,i-i do though.,phoebe,i do too.
david,bye phoebe.,phoebe,"okay, now’s not the time joey. all right? you can yell at me tomorrow."
joey,"no! no! no pheebs, i’m not gonna yell at you. i just y’know, started thinking about you and david and i…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. and i just… oh pheebs, come here.  are you okay?",phoebe,no i’m not okay. the only guy i’ve ever been crazy about has gone to minsk and i may never…i may never see him again.
joey,"hey, y’know you could always visit him.",phoebe,"oh right, like they’re gonna let me have a passport."
joey,anything i can do? whatever you need.,phoebe,"well—but—now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y’know before he does, then he can come back."
ross,why?! why on the lips?!,phoebe,ready?
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,okay.
rachel,hi...,phoebe,its...
rachel,rachel...,phoebe,and…
rachel,phoebe’s...,phoebe,please...
rachel,leave...,phoebe,leave…
rachel,"wait, i-i just said leave.",phoebe,"yeah, i know because you have all the good words. what do i get? i get it’s, and oh im sorry, i have a. forget it."
rachel,"phoebe, come on thats silly.",phoebe,"all right, so lets switch."
rachel,"no, i have all of the good words. ok, fine, fine, we can switch.",phoebe,okay.
rachel,okay.,phoebe,hi…
rachel,everybody…,phoebe,its…
rachel,rachel…,phoebe,and…
rachel,phoebe’s…,phoebe,"please...wait, how did you do that?"
rachel,what?,phoebe,"oh, youre no ordinary roommate are you?"
rachel,"phoebe, come on can we finish this later? cause i wanna go running before it gets dark. oh! why dont you come with me?!",phoebe,really?
rachel,"yeah, itll be fun. well run in the park. itll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing.",phoebe,"okay, lets go running!"
rachel,yeah and theres really cute guys there.,phoebe,lets run towards them!
rachel,ok!,phoebe,"all right, wait just one more second. hi, its phoebe and rachels. please leave a message, thanks!"
rachel,now wait a minute. you just took all the words!,phoebe,uh-huh. youve met your match rachel green.
joey,you a little sad about that sweetheart?,phoebe,"i have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, ill catch up."
rachel,okay.,phoebe,okay.  come on! thats not running! lets go!
rachel,"youre right, youre right. i should just tell her the truth.",phoebe,hey!
rachel,"pheebs, monica tripped me, i dont think i can ever run again, ever!",phoebe,why? why would you do that?
janine,"oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. its just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer.",phoebe,"hi! oh yeah, uh-huh, its me. i saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. you lied so you could run by yourself."
rachel,"no, no phoebe no, i was...no. you know what, i was, i was actually just checking to, see, if i could run. and i can!",phoebe,"please rachel, i am not an idiot."
rachel,"hey phoebe, can i talk to you for a second?",phoebe,sure
rachel,"okay, um, i... all right phoebe look, i just wanted to say that im sorry. ok? i handled the situation horribly and i should not have lied to you.",phoebe,"so, what should you have done?"
rachel,"well, i-i shouldve told you the truth.",phoebe,"uh-huh, which is...?"
rachel,"well, yknow, the reason i didnt wanna go running with you is because um, well yknow the way that you run is a little...",phoebe,so?
rachel,"well, its embarrassing. people were looking at us like we were crazy.",phoebe,why do you care?
rachel,because theyre people.,phoebe,but people that you dont know and will never see again.
rachel,"yes, but still. theyre people…with eyes.",phoebe,"well, i didnt get embarrassed running next to miss . but no, okay. no, no, i can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. yeah, okay. youre uptight."
rachel,"i-i am not uptight—hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! listen, i am not uptight, man.",phoebe,"thats okay rachel. im not judging you; thats just who you are. me. im more free yknow? i run like i did when i was a kid, cause thats the only way its fun. yknow, i mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? yknow, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from satan?  the neighbors dog."
rachel,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,"oh honey, im so sorry, you were right, this feels great!",phoebe,"see? and you dont care if people are staring, its just for a second cause then youre gone!"
joey,i can still hear you!,phoebe,hey!
monica,"hey, whats that?",phoebe,"yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. can you believe it?! a year ago i didnt even have a family, and now i have heirlooms for crying out loud."
joey,"argh-argh!!  ooh, soft. is this mink?",phoebe,"yeah! why would my mother send me a fur? doesnt she know me but at all! plus, i have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!"
ross,after what i did? can you blame her?,phoebe,"oh my god! you got off easy! when my friend silvies husband said someone elses name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green."
joey,"no! everythings gettin all messed up, yknow? emily wont let ross see rachel, were not gonna stop seeing rachel, hence ross stops seeing us!",phoebe,"oh, i hate this. everythings changing."
monica,oh my god! fog him! fog him!,phoebe,i dont know what im gonna do about this coat.
joey,ill take it!,phoebe,that might work!
ross,"nothing. oh, actually, great news! i just got off the phone with emily and it looks like im moving to a new apartment. woo-hoo!",phoebe,why?
monica,yes!,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,"so listen, you know my friend chris who owns the crematorium?"
monica,crematorium chris? sure!,phoebe,"he says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if i umm, yknow, bring in the next person i know who dies."
rachel,"what? uhh, phoebe, honey, honey, i know youre quirky and i get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! not nature, fashion!",phoebe,"this is fashion?!  okay, so to you, death is fashion?! thats really funny.  heres phoebe umm, sporting uh, yknow, cutting edge hairy carcass from yknow, the steal traps of wintry russia. i mean, you really thing this looks good?  cause i do."
joey,we all hate emily!,phoebe,nooo!!
ross,"unreasonable? how about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! you have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! all right, its about compromise! do you always like it? no! do you do it? yes! because its not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at central perk all the time! its real life, okay? its what grown-ups do!",phoebe,i think hes right. you guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.
monica,"god, i feel so guilty about ross.",phoebe,"oh, i know."
chandler,"well, i think its very brave what you said.",phoebe,"all right, i cant sit here anymore. i have to walk places."
chandler,"pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? how about the whole animal rights thing?",phoebe,"well, ive been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. okay, i admit it! i love this coat! okay, i—its the best thing ive ever had wrapped around me, including phil huntley!  remember phil huntley? he was fine!"
chandler,"uh, ross?",phoebe,are you still mad at us?
ross,yep.,phoebe,oh good! because we have an im sorry song.
chandler,"yeah, we are so sorry.",phoebe,youre kinda stepping on the song.
monica,"whatever you decide, whatever you do.",phoebe,"okay, now youre just taking lines right out of the song!"
ross,"look, this is hard enough! i really need you guys right now.",phoebe,yes! exactly! and thats why…
ross,okay. thanks you guys. pheebs are you wearing fur?,phoebe,"okay, lets get some perspective people; its not like im wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!"
rachel,i havent seen him in so long!,phoebe,"oh god, i really missed that fat bastard!"
ross,"hey!  yeah-yeah, were just having dinner.  uh, yeah, sure uh hold on.  she wants to say hi.  hold on.",phoebe,hi emily!
monica,"oh, sweetie. oh, look at you. youre shivering.",phoebe,here.
ross,yeah. you can help me get my furniture back from gunther. ending credits,phoebe,"okay, stop tormenting me! this mink! okay, theyre mean! and they hate squirrels! and yknow, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats!  all right, fine, now i get it.  here.  you take it.  are you happy now? im cold!"
ross,"oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…oh my god!!",phoebe,what? what happened to the window in the attic?!
ross,i can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us!,phoebe,i can’t believe i still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic!
ross,i was their first born! they thought she was barren! it’s not my fault.,phoebe,hey.
monica,hey!,phoebe,"ugh, i hate this year!"
ross,what’s wrong with this year?,phoebe,"well okay, it’s already february and i’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!"
monica,that was me and ross.,phoebe,oh that’s right!
monica,oh that’s a great idea. you’re really good on the phone.,phoebe,"yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job i had. y’know, i probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much."
ross,what?,phoebe,"oh yeah, like you never called!"
supervisor,so basically this is very easy. you read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.,phoebe,"okay, i can do that! oh, by the way, i love my office."
supervisor,why don’t we do a trial run.,phoebe,"oh okay. umm, all right.  hi, this is phoebe from empire office supplies, can i speak to your supply manager please?"
supervisor,i’m the supply manager.,phoebe,"umm, okay i would like to talk to you about your toner needs."
supervisor,we don’t need any toner.,phoebe,"oh okay, well i’m sorry to bother you. bye-bye.  yeah you’re right, this is easy."
supervisor,"okay, what was wrong with that call?",phoebe,"oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude."
supervisor,"they’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.",phoebe,oh.
supervisor,"so, i think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?",phoebe,"no.  oh wait yes! i do, i do have one question. what is toner?"
mr. geller,so it’s just your mother then.,phoebe,"hi, this phoebe from empire office supplies, can i speak to your supply manager please?  earl, thanks.  hi earl, this is phoebe from empire office supplies i’d like to talk to you about your toner needs."
earl,i don’t need any toner.,phoebe,"i’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner."
earl,not me.,phoebe,may i ask why?
earl,you wanna know why. you wanna know why?,phoebe,i surely do!
earl,"okay, i don’t need any toner because i’m going to kill myself.",phoebe,"umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner?"
earl,"okay, so…no toner today. thanks anyway, bye-bye.",phoebe,no-no wait-wait! i can’t just let you hang up! just please talk to me.
"office that reads, today’s tasks",kill self.) i guess i could push it back.,phoebe,"yeah! now, why do you want to kill yourself?"
earl,"it’s just that i uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows i exist!",phoebe,chandler?
earl,i-i’m sorry?,phoebe,"no look, i-i’m sure that people know you exist!"
joey,my chair heels itself.,phoebe,"earl, you’re not hearing me! all i’m saying is that you’re not alone all right? everybody hates the people they work with!"
guy,hey guy!,phoebe,"wait, what was that? that sounded like someone being nice to you."
earl,no! that’s just the hey guy guy. he says that to everybody! he’s the worst! i’d like to take him with me!,phoebe,"all right so earl, let’s just forget about the people at the office, okay? there-there’s gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! what about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?"
earl,yeah! right!,phoebe,"oh sorry, boyfriend!"
earl,oh no.,phoebe,"no, whatever! anything!"
the hey guy guy,hey guy!,phoebe,"yeah, he’s gotta go."
earl,"okay, i should, i should probably be getting back to my thing now. see ya.",phoebe,no! i’m not finished yet! don’t! don’t you dare hang up on me!!!
rachel,we’re the cobras!,phoebe,excuse me! can you tell me where i can find earl? he’s the supply manager around here.
earl,i’m right here!!!!,phoebe,earl! i’m phoebe.
earl,phoebe? the lady who sells toner?,phoebe,"umm, look it, you-you can’t kill yourself."
earl,"look, um i really appreciate your coming down…",phoebe,no-no i can’t! i can’t let you do it!
earl,why?!,phoebe,because it was fate that made me call you today!
earl,i thought it was toner.,phoebe,"no! think about it okay? this isn’t even my regular job! okay? and my first day on the job, you’re my first call! and-and somebody else might’ve hung up on you, but i wouldn’t do that because i know about this stuff. my mom killed herself."
earl,really?!,phoebe,yes.
earl,how?,phoebe,i’m not gonna give you tips! look don’t you see that this-this…this all came together so that i could stop you from doing this.
earl,couldn’t it just be a coincidence?,phoebe,"no, it’s fate!"
earl,it doesn’t really seem like enough to be fate.,phoebe,"oh. well umm, okay here’s a weird thing. my mother was also a supply manager."
earl,i’m actually the office manager.,phoebe,"oh my god! so was she! and! get this, okay? your-your name is earl, right? her name was pearl, p-earl."
earl,"well, was there anything else?!",phoebe,"sure!  umm, where are you from?"
earl,philadelphia.,phoebe,"oh my god! so was she! oh, i’ve got-i’ve got goose bumps."
earl,really?,phoebe,"well, y’know i’m wearing layers and it’s warm."
earl,yeah-yeah.,phoebe,"but if—no look, okay. these jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! and that says a lot!"
earl,did you hear that?! i don’t need you guys to care about me! because the universe cares! the whole universe!   i really wished they’d care just a little bit though.,phoebe,"y’know, i don’t-i don’t think it’s you. this is a freaky place.  hey! guys!   oh no, it’s you."
chandler,"oh uh-uh, no-no-no-no-uh-uh.",phoebe,"so, we realize that—oh no…  i’m telling it! i’m telling it…"
conan,"it was a little game. yeah, with an electric buzzer.",phoebe,"oh-ooh, and i brought operation, but umm i lost the umm…  it’s making a noise."
joey,pheebs! check it out! check it out! check it out! check it out!,phoebe,"ooh, soap opera digest!"
rachel,"no y’know, i don’t want to switch! come on! i can throw wet paper towels here!",phoebe,well at monica’s you can eat—
matt,"yeah, she’s trying to waft the smell across the hall to get us to come hang out in her new place, and we’re sitting there eating pizza and i think it was you  that said…",phoebe,what do i smell?
matt,"i think i was supposed to say, i don’t know, and go over and open the door. and i went…",phoebe,what do i smell?
matt,and then it was like four takes later before we could get through it with a straight face.,phoebe,what do i smell?
david,le blanc.,phoebe,what do i smell?
chandler,"you see, i don’t say—",phoebe,"oh, sweet je——sus! oh! monica, these are the  cookies they serve in hell!"
matthew,"well thank for coming here, it’s good to see you.",phoebe,thank you my babies. ending credits
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,so what’s the final head count on my baby shower?,phoebe,"about twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do."
monica,"well it wasn’t my fault, phoebe was in charge of the invitations!",phoebe,"well i don’t, i don’t have a mother so often i forget that other people…"
rachel,so my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!,phoebe,no.  neither is mine.
rachel,"please, make sure she comes. it’s really important to me, i mean it’s my mom!",phoebe,"i know. i know, what’s her number?"
monica,thank you.,phoebe,isn’t it at three?
ross,"i’m sorry, i don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.",phoebe,"oh, i told the stripper to be here at five. that’s good right?"
monica,you ordered a stripper for the shower?! that is totally inappropriate!,phoebe,what? he’s gonna be dressed as a baby!  oh hi mrs. green!
monica,hi!,phoebe,i’m so glad you could make it.
monica,she’s still mad.,phoebe,yeah i know. isn’t it great? one less person we have to make small talk with.
monica,"phoebe, sandra’s mad at you too. it-it doesn’t bother you?",phoebe,"no look, we’ve apologized twice! i can’t do anymore than that. i know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it."
rachel,she wants to move in with me and ross to help take care of the baby.,phoebe,for how long?
monica,i personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.,phoebe,she can’t hear you.
rachel,"what? you guys, come on! what am i going to do?",phoebe,"well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her."
monica,this is great! now she’s gonna be mad at rachel! y’know what? and i’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.,phoebe,i have new respect for chandler. all right everybody! it’s time to open the presents!
mrs. green,"well uh, i don’t have a gift because i wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention.",phoebe,"how about you less important people, let’s open your presents!"
rachel,he was a hamster! i am not going to vacuum up my baby!,phoebe,"okay, come on rach it’s present time! y’know you’re the glue that’s holding this whole party together. it’s kinda falling apart here."
rachel,wow!,phoebe,"okay, this is from your friend at work."
ross,hey!,phoebe,hey! why are you all red and sweaty?
ross,i just bamboozled chandler!  which is not uh sexual thing. that was a quick shower.,phoebe,not if you were here.
rachel,oh no? pheebs? monica? do i know anything about babies?,phoebe,"no, not a thing."
monica,you’re still so funny. you’re so funny. what do i do?,phoebe,"nothing! you have apologized to her like a million times and she’s been nothing but terrible to you. and don’t forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even thanked you for it."
monica,y’know what? you’re-you’re right.,phoebe,"yeah i mean if you want to say anything to her, i’d tell her off."
monica,really?,phoebe,uh-huh!
monica,that’s right! maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady…old lady…lady!,phoebe,"wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up…"
monica,"so whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, i will forgive you. good day!  i can’t feel my legs!",phoebe,you were fantastic! i’m so proud of you!
monica,yeah? i’m proud of me too.,phoebe,you should be!
monica,yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?,phoebe,you got it!
chandler,now we can finally watch green acres the way it was meant to be seen.,phoebe,i cant believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch tv with your feet up.
monica,"really phoebs? because, you know, youd have to be an actual waitress. this cant be like your i can be a bear cub thing.",phoebe,"i can be a waitress. ok watch this. um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one adam and eve on a raft and rickem, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la."
chandler,if that.,phoebe,"is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?"
chandler,"oh, god!",phoebe,"oh, just as well, i broke this one."
ross,not like this!,phoebe,mm-hmm.  throw me a bone here.
monica,"whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!",phoebe,hi guys!
ross,"hey. oh, oh, howd it go?",phoebe,"um, not so good. he walked me to the subway and said we should do this again!"
chandler,or youre such a nice guy means im gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.,phoebe,"or, or, yknow, um, i think we should see other people means ha, ha, i already am."
joey,"yokay, phoebe?",phoebe,"yeah- no- im just- its, i havent worked- its my bank."
monica,what did they do to you?,phoebe,"its nothing, its just- okay. im going through my mail, and i open up their monthly, you know, statement-"
ross,easy.,phoebe,- and theres five hundred extra dollars in my account.
chandler,"oh, satans minions at work again...",phoebe,"yes, cause now i have to go down there, and deal with them."
joey,what are you talking about? keep it!,phoebe,"its not mine, i didnt earn it, if i kept it, it would be like stealing."
rachel,"yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!",phoebe,"okay. okay, lets say i bought a really great pair of shoes. do you know what id hear, with every step i took? not-mine. not-mine. not-mine. and even if i was happy, okay, and, and skipping- not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine..."
monica,were with you. we got it.,phoebe,okay. id- just- id never be able to enjoy it. it would be like this giant karmic debt.
chandler,"im smoking. im smoking, im smoking.",phoebe,"oh, i cant believe you! youve been so good, for three years!"
chandler,"all right! im putting it out, im putting it out.",phoebe,"oh, no! i- i cant drink this now!"
ross,"hey, pheebs.",phoebe,"dear ms. buffay. thank you for calling attention to our error. we have credited your account with five hundred dollars. were sorry for the inconvenience, and hope youll accept this-  -football phone as our free gift. do you believe this?! now i have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!"
joey,know what was great? the way his smile was kinda crooked.,phoebe,"yes, yes! like the man in the shoe!"
ross,...what shoe?,phoebe,"from the nursery rhyme. there was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while..."
chandler,i personally could have a gallon of alan.,phoebe,"hey, lizzie."
lizzie,"hey, weird girl.",phoebe,i brought you alphabet soup.
lizzie,did you pick out the vowels?,phoebe,"yes. but i left in the ys. cause, yknow, sometimes y. uh, i also have something else for you."
lizzie,saltines?,phoebe,"no, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?"
lizzie,"what?  oh my god, theres really money in here.",phoebe,i know.
lizzie,"weird girl, what are you doing?",phoebe,"no, i want you to have it. i dont want it."
lizzie,"no, no, i ha-i have to give you something.",phoebe,"oh, thats fine, no."
lizzie,would you like my tin-foil hat?,phoebe,"no. cause you need that. no, its okay, thanks."
lizzie,"please, let me do something.",phoebe,"okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then were even. okay?"
lizzie,okay.,phoebe,okay.
lizzie,keep the change.  sure you dont wanna pretzel?,phoebe,"no, im fine."
lizzie,see ya.,phoebe,huh!
all,eww!,phoebe,"i know! i know, i opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!"
chandler,"well, maybe its a contest, yknow? like, collect all five?",phoebe,"does, um, anyone wanna see?"
rachel,indeed there isnt... i should really get back to work.,phoebe,"yeah, cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered."
ross,"hey pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that pop-tart?.. pheebs?",phoebe,does anyone want the rest of this pop-tart?
ross,"hey, i might!",phoebe,"sorry. ..yknow, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb."
all,youre kidding. oh my god.,phoebe,"and on my way over here, i stepped in gum. ...what is up with the universe?!"
monica,"please, guys, we have to talk.",phoebe,"wait, wait, im getting a deja vu...no, im not."
monica,"alright, we have to talk.",phoebe,there it is!
joey,so thats it? its over? just like that?,phoebe,"you know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and i just- i-"
monica,"oh, yknow..",phoebe,did he mention us?
chandler,"i dont care, i dont care! games over! im weak! ive gotta smoke! ive gotta have the smoke!",phoebe,if you never smoke again ill give you seven thousand dollars!
ross,here’s your girlfriend’s button.,phoebe,"oh, hey, mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?"
monica,"yeah, i think i have some around here somewhere. why?",phoebe,"well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive."
rachel,"no, but they stuck me in personal shopping. which is just a huge step down!",phoebe,personal shopping? what is that? like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?
rachel,uh-huh.,phoebe,that sounds great!
ross,hey!,phoebe,hey!
joey,hey!,phoebe,ooh! how was kathy’s play?
chandler,"yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!",phoebe,that’s a good idea for a business!
ross,yeah.,phoebe,"hey, mel gibson and clint eastwood."
ross,they’re not a couple!,phoebe,"oh-okay, i get the game now."
joey,"all right pheebs, stick out your plate!",phoebe,oh.
rachel,"i have the best job in the entire world! the most adorable guy came over today, and i got to dress him up all day!",phoebe,rachel has a new doll.
rachel,hi-e!!,phoebe,"ooh, what do i smell?"
monica,fresh cookies! hot from the oven!,phoebe,ooh!
ross,"cookies and porn, you’re the best mom ever!!",phoebe,what? what?
monica,wait! wait! this isn’t take-out!,phoebe,"well, i hate to eat and run, but…"
monica,"no, wait, please don’t go! i’ve got porn for you too!",phoebe,"yeah, i don’t need it."
monica,"i’m the hostess! not those guys! i’m always the hostess! i mean, i was always the hostess, i mean even when i was little, i mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, i-i served the best air.",phoebe,"well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of yknow, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?"
monica,"‘cause they took our apartment, i wanted to punish them. but i’m-i’m done now. they’ve suffered enough.",phoebe,"if you wanted to punish them, you should’ve just made them hang out here!"
monica,"all right then, when i’m done with this place, it’s gonna be ten times better than that place!",phoebe,"oh, are we gonna trash that place?"
rachel,"chandler, what did she say?",phoebe,wait a minute.
rachel,"so i was with joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. it’s just so frustrating!",phoebe,why don’t you ask him out?
joey,"oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on.",phoebe,he just got a divorce right?
rachel,hmm-mmm.,phoebe,"so he’s probably really nervous around women, yknow? maybe, you just have to make the first move."
rachel,"yeah but, i’ve never asked a guy out before.",phoebe,you’ve never asked a guy out?!!
rachel,no. have you?,phoebe,thousands of times!! that doesn’t make me sound too good does it?
joey,"oh-oh-oh-oh, how i do it is, i look a woman up and down and say, hey, how you doin’?",phoebe,"oh, please!"
rachel,"you know what, i’m gonna do that, i’m gonna call him up, and i’m gonna ask him out. i can do that. ask him out.  how you doin’?  hi! joshua? it’s rachel green from bloomingdale’s.  yeah, umm, i was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? well, we found a wallet, and we— the license? well, that is a good idea! uh, well, let’s see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. i’ll see you tomorrow. bye.   you’ve done that a thousand times?",phoebe,i’ve never done that.
chandler,did she call?,phoebe,"no, sorry."
rachel,wow! monica!,phoebe,great!
ross,this is beautiful!,phoebe,oh did you—what did you—did you work for two days straight?
chandler,"well, she wasn’t sleeping with him.",phoebe,oh good!
chandler,"i’m saying that she… is a devil woman! y’know i mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with nick! nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! i hate him, i hate her! well, i don’t hate her, i love her. this is all my fault really.",phoebe,how? how is your fault?
joey,"ok, youre gonna come back with some very classy clothes... ... and some slutty lingerie, slutty!",phoebe,"ok, great! all right, bye!  pain in the ass!!  thats off, right?"
joey,"whats the matter, pheebs?",phoebe,"oh... mikes sister just invited me to a party tonight, hes gonna be there. and she was like oh, dont worry! i asked him. hes totally ok with seeing you!. so now i have to go so hell think that im totally ok with seeing him!"
rachel,"which youre not, because youve totally hung up on him!",phoebe,exactly!
rachel,and youre gonna want him to eat his heart out so youre gonna have to look fabulous!,phoebe,"i didnt even think about that!  aaargh, sexual politics!!"
rachel,"hey pheebs, im-im taking charlie shopping, why dont you come and ill help you find something.",phoebe,"ok, thatll be great!"
shop assistant,incentive for men?,phoebe,"oh, ill take some of that."
rachel,"pheebs, thats for men!",phoebe,"no, i know, this way when i go to the party later mike will know i am over him cause im gonna smell like another guy.  yeah."
rachel,"yeah! im a big fan! of the movies, you know. motion pictures. the talkies!",phoebe,"hey rach, will you come with me to a dressing room?"
rachel,sure!,phoebe,ok!
rachel,you know that depends on what it is! ive done a lot of stuff.,phoebe,"so what were you doing out there, do you not like charlie?"
rachel,"shes ok, i just dont get a really good vibe from her!",phoebe,why?
rachel,"i dont know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! you know, and just swept joey off his feet... i mean, nobody else has a chance!",phoebe,who else?
rachel,"anybody! you, me, you know, monicas mom...",phoebe,you like joey?
rachel,"shhhhh! phoebe! all right, look. i have a little thing for him.",phoebe,oh my god!
rachel,"its just physical and i have it totally under control! ok? its just, when i see them together, sometimes i just get a little jealous!",phoebe,"uh, wow! isnt it ironic that he liked you and now you like him?"
rachel,"oh, i get it!",phoebe,"oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you cant do anything about it, hes already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldnt be right."
rachel,"i know, i know, so it is just not a big deal.",phoebe,yeah.
rachel,so can we keep this between us?,phoebe,sure!
rachel,"ok, great, because i gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me!",phoebe,oh.
rachel,"oh, god, do you think she heard? it would be so bad if she heard!",phoebe,"well, maybe she didnt hear! ok im gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and ill talk and see if you can hear me."
rachel,"oh, thank god i cant hear a word that youre saying!",phoebe,i didnt say anything yet!
rachel,"well, get back in there and talk!",phoebe,im rachel. its so annoying when i put emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
rachel,what!?,phoebe,"well, some things are just hard to say to your face."
rachel,"ok well, i heard that! which means that she heard it too!",phoebe,ooh! we have a problem.
rachel,alright! lets just do it. lets just go over there and see if she heard.,phoebe,good plan.
rachel,ok.  wha...? where? where are you going?,phoebe,"oh! im sorry rachel, i dont have time for your childish games, ok? i still have to go find something incredible to wear so i can beat mike at whos more over who!"
joey,wow! you look... ... stop-eating hot! which is like the highest level of hotness!,phoebe,are you sure? because im really dreading going to this party.
joey,then dont go!,phoebe,"mike knows im coming, and if i dont show up hell think its because of him! and i dont want to lose face! thats a very serious thing in my culture."
joey,"alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over mike. and afterward you come to my place and ill get you good and drunk!",phoebe,"you got it! ok. but not on the wine that you made, ok, because i just dont want to go back to the emergency room."
david,phoebe! hi!,phoebe,oh my god!
david,"wow, you look unbelievable.",phoebe,yeah. what-what are you doing here?
david,"well, im back from minsk... permanently.",phoebe,what happened?
david,"well, remember how i was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?",phoebe,yeah?
david,"well, after eight years of research i discovered that it cant be done.",phoebe,"well, its great that youre back! how are you?"
david,"good, good, life is good...",phoebe,good!
david,"ah well, i-im seeing someone.",phoebe,"oh, good for you."
david,"shes also a scientist, so shes very smart and pretty and... well, its actually because of you, really, that were together, i mean, i saw what you had with that mike guy, and i just said boy, i want that.",phoebe,mike and i broke up.
david,"youre kidding me. because im not seeing anybody, ive just totally made that up.",phoebe,really?
david,"yeah, i dont know why, im sorry, i guess i just didnt want to lose face.",phoebe,"i understand. yeah. ok so then ok, so were both living in new york, not seeing anyone. thats so not like us!"
david,"yeah, i know. well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now?",phoebe,well...  no.
david,do you wanna get a drink?,phoebe,id love to.
david,great.,phoebe,ok.
david,do you smell beets?,phoebe,"oh, got it, stay upwind of me."
chandler,"you wouldnt know if jeanettes planning on keeping her baby, would ya?",phoebe,hi
chandler,"so, wheres mike?",phoebe,"oh, hes at the doctor, he didnt poop the whole time we were there!"
joey,"well anyway, im glad youre back, i really need your help.",phoebe,"oh, why? whats up?"
rachel,i did not know you spoke french.,phoebe,"oui, bien sur je parle français! quest-ce que tu penses alors?"
joey,"well, so, will you help me? i really wanna be in this play.",phoebe,"sure! tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami."
rachel,ohh...,phoebe,"all right, it seems pretty simple. your first line is my name is claude, so, just repeat after me. je mappelle claude."
joey,je de coup clow.,phoebe,"well, just... lets try it again."
joey,ok.,phoebe,je mappelle claude.
joey,je depli mblue.,phoebe,uh. its not... quite what im saying.
joey,really? it sounds exactly the same to me.,phoebe,"it does, really?"
joey,yeah.,phoebe,"all right, let just try it again. really listen."
joey,got it.,phoebe,je mappelle claude.
joey,je te flouppe fli.,phoebe,"oh, mon dieu!"
monica,hey you guys.,phoebe,hi!
monica,"i want you to meet someone really special. phoebe, this is erica. and this is the baby!",phoebe,oh!
chandler,why would you say that?,phoebe,ok. what are you gonna be doing today?
ross,"nope, just the one. rach!",phoebe,je mappelle claude.
joey,je do call blue!,phoebe,"noooo! ok, maybe if we just break it down. ok, lets try at one syllable at a time. ok? so repeat after me. je."
joey,je.,phoebe,map
joey,mah,phoebe,pelle
joey,pel.,phoebe,"great, ok faster! je"
joey,je.,phoebe,map
joey,mah,phoebe,pelle
joey,pel.,phoebe,je mappelle!
joey,me pooh pooh!,phoebe,"ok, its too hard, i cant teach you!"
joey,what are you doing?,phoebe,"i, i have to go before i put your head through a wall."
joey,thank you.,phoebe,hey joey.
joey,hey!,phoebe,"listen, i feel really badly about yesterday and i thought about it a lot and, and i know, i was too impatient. so lets try it again."
joey,"oh, no, thats okay, i dont need your help. i worked on it myself and i gotta say, i am pretty good!",phoebe,"really, can i hear some of it."
joey,"sure, sure. ok,  bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu  see?",phoebe,"well, youre not,  youre not... youre not... again, youre not speaking french!"
joey,"oh well i think i am, yeah and i think im definitely gonna get the part.",phoebe,how could you possibly think that?
director,you know what. i think this audition is over.,phoebe,"uh, excuse me. uh, i am reginé philange. i was passing by when i heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my french town of estée lauder."
joey,sa-sa-saw!,phoebe,"écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. cest mon petit frère. il est un peu retardé."
joey,oh-hoh! ha-hah! see!,phoebe,merci. au revoir.
ross,damn it. its never off the table.,phoebe,"okay, can you really tapdance?"
joey,no.,phoebe,its off the resumé.
joey,no.,phoebe,horseback riding?
joey,would fall off a lot.,phoebe,you can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
joey,that i can do.,phoebe,come on! you can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
joey,"all right, watch me!  okay, you time me. ready?",phoebe,ready... go!
joey,guggly worm.,phoebe,and this?
joey,glow-pop giggly jammer.,phoebe,you make it so funny.
ross,hi!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,phoebe?,phoebe,"i would, but i get my morning sickness in the evening."
rachel,ugh!,phoebe,unless! she wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
ross,please hurry.,phoebe,don’t you just love the way they talk?!
monica,what?,phoebe,it kicked! i think the baby kicked!
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,"oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted."
monica,what?,phoebe,why?
rachel,"the whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when i got there, there was no rachel green on the list, but there was a rachel greep.",phoebe,"ohh! so, did you get to meet her?"
rachel,"no, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so i clocked her. ohhh! i can’t believe this, all i wanted was a few hours outside of work to see joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.",phoebe,"aww, pheebs."
rachel,"honey, that’s you’re name.",phoebe,that’s short for phoebe?! i thought that was just what we called each other!
chandler,she’s shhing me! it’s my phone and she’s shhing me!,phoebe,shhh!! please! what’s he saying?
monica,he’s with emily at a bed and breakfast in vermont!,phoebe,what? oh my god!
chandler,"yes you can. you’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time.",phoebe,"well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your phase two strip club thing with us."
chandler,no you can’t.,phoebe,come on! let us be guys! maybe we want to be guys!
chandler,"you don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long.",phoebe,"y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!"
chandler,okay.,phoebe,i’m sorry.
chandler,"no thanks, mom!",phoebe,"oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause i’m pregnant."
the cigarette smoking guy,"well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.",phoebe,"ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha!"
monica,"very good,  so good.",phoebe,"i really, really enjoyed it. very exotic."
rachel,"well, i just checked our messages and joshua didn’t call. i mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, ross is all happy in vermont!",phoebe,come on! look where you are!!
monica,"when you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.",phoebe,"remember, a virgin for me please."
chandler,"ahh, come on! y’know what—y’know what, i think i’m just gonna go home and call kathy.",phoebe,"well, if you think it will help."
chandler,"no! that was a test! in a couple of hours i’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! and then after that, i’m gonna get so drunk, i’m gonna wanna call janice",phoebe,you should! how is she?
rachel,i can’t believe it! he still hasn’t called.,phoebe,"who, josh?"
chandler,"all right, well i’m gonna put my sweats back on.",phoebe,"oh no! wait! wait! okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. we really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? because we’re girls."
chandler,yeah?,phoebe,and do you know what girls are really good at?
chandler,stripping!,phoebe,"no, listening! sit! y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk."
monica,"they really were pretty, weren’t they?",phoebe,"yeah, i really liked that fighter pilot one."
monica,"oh, candy! she was so spunky!",phoebe,yeah.
chandler,stop it! you’re killing me! i think i just moved on to phase four!,phoebe,oh! what is that? what is that?
ross,hey!,phoebe,"hey—ooh so, how was vermont?"
chandler,"all right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do.  you are gonna take off my clothes.  you two, go get the oils.  and you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, chandler’s the king! chandler’s the king!",phoebe,"i-i wanna be with her,  i like her."
joey,"yeah, right!.......yserious?",phoebe,"oh, yeah!"
chandler,"oh, i think this is the episode of threes company where theres some kind of misunderstanding.",phoebe,...then ive already seen this one!
chandler,"oh, uh, that would be mine. see, i wrote a note to myself, and then i realised i didnt need it, so i balled it up and...  ...now i wish i was dead.",phoebe,"shes already fluffed that pillow... monica, you know, youve already fluffed that-  -but, its fine!"
chandler,"yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a childs pillow.",phoebe,"monica- hi! um, monica, youre scaring me. i mean, youre like, youre like all chaotic and twirly. and not-not in a good way."
rachel,has anybody seen my engagement ring?,phoebe,"yeah, its beautiful."
rachel,"oh god, oh god, oh god oh god oh god oh god....",phoebe,"no, look, dont touch that!"
joey,"alright, whendya have it on last?",phoebe,doy! probably right before she lost it!
ross,carols pregnant.,phoebe,ooh! i found it!
ross,"well, carol says she and susan want me to be involved, but if im not comfortable with it, i dont have to be involved.. basically its entirely up to me.",phoebe,she is so great! i miss her.
ross,must pee.,phoebe,"yknow, its even worse when youre twins."
rachel,youre twins?,phoebe,"yeah. we dont speak. shes like this high-powered, driven career type."
chandler,what does she do?,phoebe,shes a waitress.
chandler,"i dunno, but.. i think its about to attack the enterprise.",phoebe,"you know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato."
ross,"then dont do that, alright?",phoebe,okay!
joey,we should really learn how to play the real way.,phoebe,i like our way. oh!  chess!
joey,nice move.,phoebe,yeah.
joey,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,can i please be there when you tell her?,phoebe,"hey oh, rach wait! do you want to go to a movie tonight?"
joey,can i come?! i won’t even talk! you’ll just hear the noise from my video camera.,phoebe,what is this? what’s going on?
rachel,"well, do you want to hear what actually happened or joey’s lewd version?",phoebe,joey’s!
rachel,"hey, come on! i had this friend from college and i made the stupid mistake of telling joey that one time…she and i y’know…kissed a little bit.",phoebe,"yeah, i’m sure that happened."
rachel,it-it did!,phoebe,sure!
rachel,"yeah, it was senior year in college. it was after the sigma chi luau and melissa and i got very drunk! and we ended up kissing! for several minutes!",phoebe,which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
rachel,"yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!",phoebe,okay! i just—i didn’t know that you are a lesbian.
rachel,i’m not saying that i’m a lesbian! i’m just saying that this happened!,phoebe,"okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla."
rachel,vanilla?!,phoebe,yeah.
rachel,i’m not vanilla! i’ve done lots of crazy things! i mean i got-i got drunk and married in vegas!,phoebe,to ross.
rachel,"all right, y’know what? if you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.",phoebe,okay! all right! yeah! ‘cause i just can’t picture it.
melissa,"hmm phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?",phoebe,"of course! yeah, i was uh, umm thigh mega tampon."
melissa,what one?,phoebe,"yeah! y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when regina philange died of alcohol poisoning."
melissa,"oh wow, ray-ray i have no idea what you’re talking about.",phoebe,really?!
rachel,wh… come on! remember? we were on the sleeping porch! we couldn’t stop giggling? and our coconuts kept knockin’ together?,phoebe,"oh, somewhere joey’s head is exploding."
rachel,no!!,phoebe,"rachel, it’s okay. you don’t have to do this. i believe you. all right? okay, if-if you say that you kissed melissa, then you kissed melissa."
melissa,she didn’t.,phoebe,i know.
rachel,what the hell was that?!,phoebe,i just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
rachel,and?,phoebe,i’ve had better. ending credits
joey,bye.,phoebe,"honey, i wish you would get over her. i hate seeing you like this. is there anything i can do for you? do you want to look down my top?"
ross,"oh, i’m actually on my way to tell her right now. yeah, she’s been away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. i mean, she’s been so supportive. she-she even got the baby a tiny t-shirt that says, ‘fossils are my friends.’",phoebe,it’s a video of my friend giving birth. could you just bring it back to your apartment?
ross,the red one.,phoebe,"hey. look, i know you’ve been really depressed lately, so i brought someone over to cheer you up. right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate."
joey,"no, i’m not sleeping with your friend jane again.",phoebe,"this is the happiest dog in the world. i borrowed him from my friend wendy. now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. and he will cheer you up!"
ross,"i don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy!",phoebe,"well, i think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.  thank you! so what, you’re just never going to tell her?"
ross,"oh, no, no, no, i will! i just want to butter her up, first! you know, i’m going to take her to an amazing valentine’s dinner. do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks i’m the best boyfriend in the world, then i’m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.",phoebe,"if i haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! so, where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff?  oh, god. is it gum, is it food? what’s the deal?  oh, it’s nice! may i try a pink one?"
joey,"so, between her and me being friends, and her history with ross, it just isn’t going to happen. it would be like you falling in love with a cat.",phoebe,"hey, buddy. how’s my favorite dog, huh? how’s my favorite dog?  you’re subdued.  did you give him a beer?"
joey,"yeah, sure. go ahead.  oh, me, right!",phoebe,"oh…joey, you bummed him out! this was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!"
monica,"awww, look at aunt monicas little boy!",phoebe,"oh, look, hes got rosss haircut!"
ross,hey.,phoebe,"wow, ooh, youre gonna be making money hand over fist!"
monica,"ok, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...",phoebe,"weve got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew..."
joey,"oh, ok.",phoebe,so how are things going with you two? is she becoming your  special someone?
monica,joey... we always know what you mean.,phoebe,hey.
ross,hey.,phoebe,how long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
ross,im going to china.,phoebe,"jeez, you say one thing, and..."
ross,"yeah, i-its for the museum. someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they dont want us to have the bone, so im going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—its—its a whole big bone thing. anyway, im gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you cant. so heres my itinerary . um... heres a picture of me...",phoebe,"oh, let me see!"
monica,yeah.,phoebe,"hi, ben. im your father. i am... the head. aaaaaahhhh....  alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun."
ross,no.,phoebe,"oh, well, see, theres this guy she met at the..."
ross,"at the coffeehouse, right.",phoebe,so you do know who he is!  sorry.
ross,"ok, im gonna go say goodbye to the guys.",phoebe,"oh, hey, yknow what? tell them that bone story."
rachel,this ones from joey... feels like a book. thinks its a book... feels like a book. and......its a book!,phoebe,"oh, its dr. seuss!"
rachel,oh... ...  oh my god. he remembered.,phoebe,remembered what?
chandler,"well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?",phoebe,"oh, its so pretty. this must have cost him a fortune."
rachel,"i mean, this is unbelievable.",phoebe,"i know. this is really, really huge."
chandler,no its not. its small. its tiny. its petite. its wee.,phoebe,nuh-uh. i dont think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
rachel,i dont know. maybe ill know when i see him.,phoebe,"here, look, alright, does this help?"
monica,"oh my god, me too! oh! oh, wed be like friends-in-law! yknow what the best part is? the best part is that you already know everything about him! i mean, its like starting on the fifteenth date!",phoebe,"yeah, but, yknow, its... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date."
monica,another good point.,phoebe,"no, i mean, i mean, when youre at the fifteenth date, yknow, youre already in a very relationshippy place. yknow, its... youre committed."
rachel,huh?,phoebe,"well, i mean, then what happens if it doesnt work out?"
rachel,"no, im just....",phoebe,maybe theres someone else.
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
monica,"so, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks?",phoebe,sure!
monica,well you cant! were booked solid for the next month!,phoebe,"well, i cant give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again!"
ross,"phoebe, what happened?",phoebe,"well, it was an accident...you know, its a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips!"
(chandler enters)chandler,have i got a surprise for you? pack your bags!,phoebe,oh no!you guys arent supposed to get divorced for 7 years!
chandler,"what? no, im taking monica to a romantic inn in vermont !",phoebe,"oh, good!ok, good for you!try to recapture the magic!"
monica,tell them im a chef in a big new york restaurant!,phoebe,and tell them that in 2 weeks i will once again be a masseuse in good standing!
monica,what musician?,phoebe,"and theres a country called argentinaaaa, its a place ive never seeeeen. but im told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. humaaan spleeeeen. olè!"
monica,what are you doing here!,phoebe,"well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so i am here to entertain!"
monica,great!,phoebe,"yeah! it really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! yeah, you suck and shut up and go home."
monica,listen phoebe...,phoebe,yeah.
monica,"you know how much i love listening to your music, you know, but...",phoebe,but what?
monica,this is kind of a classy place.,phoebe,"ok, say no more."
rachel and monica,hi.,phoebe,"here, monica, look what i got to wear when i play at the restaurant  uh, huh wait!  right? i mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man."
monica,"oh...phoebe? maybe i wasnt clear before. i really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place.",phoebe,"right, yeah, ok, ill ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault."
monica,"phoebe, its not what you wear. its sort of your songs... i just dont think you should play at the restaurant anymore.",phoebe,"oh, ok. fine, ill just, ill take the hat back ."
(silence)rachel,"hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work...",phoebe,my songs arent good enough for your restaurant?
monica,i didnt say your songs were not good enough.,phoebe,then whats wrong with them? would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
monica,tiny portions?,phoebe,"yeah well, excuse me, i ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but  i cant see it, i cant see it!"
monica,"phoebe, its not about quantity.",phoebe,well...its not about quality.
monica,"oh really, you want to talk about quality? have you heard of a key? its what some people sing in.",phoebe,"well at least all my songs dont taste like garlic. yeah, there are other ingredients monica."
monica,"ok, so thats what were doing. you know, when im in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, im wearing ear plugs.",phoebe,"ear plugs, or cloves of garlic?"
monica,"you know what? i take back what i said before. you keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy.",phoebe,"what are people having, the garlic martini?"
"(he picks up the suitcase, which falls open, revealing all the stuff they have taken from the hotel. the receptionist just looks at them.)ross","oh, my maple candy!",phoebe,food here at javu..will kill you..the food here at javu ...will kill you..
(monica comes out)monica,"thank god, its just you! i thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall.",phoebe,"youd better get back in that kitchen monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself."
monica,"ok, you have to stop playing now.",phoebe,why? the only person my playing is bothering is you!
monica,"oh yeah? ok, lets settle this, come on!",phoebe,get your garlic-peelers off me!
monica,"excuse me, excuse me, hi, im monica geller..im the head chef here.. .. ok, i was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! ok, quick question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this womans singing outside?",phoebe,"ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside?  ha!"
monica,"alright, let me ask you this question: how many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? .",phoebe,"ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky?"
monica,ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone?,phoebe,"ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? ."
monica,excuse us!  alright heres a question: who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now?,phoebe,oh...who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friends cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great!
monica,im sorry...,phoebe,im sorry too...
monica,ooohh... hey! wanna stick around and ill whip you up some dinner?,phoebe,yeah! as long as its free! food here is ridiculously over-p...
(then ross enters)ross,"hi you guys! whats going on, you... you guys wanna hang out...or...?  do you...do you guys hear a buzzing?",phoebe,do you think they have yesterdays daily news?
monica,why?,phoebe,"just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right."
monica,"oh my god.  phoebe. dont look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.",phoebe,"where?  ooh, come to momma."
monica and phoebe,thanks.,phoebe,we should do something. whistle.
monica,we are not going to whistle.,phoebe,"come on, do it."
monica,no!,phoebe,do it!
monica,no!,phoebe,do it do it do it!
monica,woo-woo!,phoebe,i cant believe you did that!
monica,"why did i woo-hoo? i mean, what was i hoping would happen? that-that hed turn round and say i love that sound, i must have you now?",phoebe,"i just wish there was something we could do.  hello. hello, coma guy. get up, you girl scout! up! up! up!"
monica,"phoebe, what are you doing?",phoebe,maybe nobodys tried this.
monica,"i wish we at least knew his name... look at that face. i mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. i bet hes a lawyer.",phoebe,"yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? that means hes artistic."
monica,"okay, hes a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. and- he can dance!",phoebe,"oh! and, hes the kinda guy who, when youre talking, hes listening, yknow, and not saying yeah, i understand but really wondering what you look like naked."
monica,i wish all guys could be like him.,phoebe,i know.
monica,he doesnt have anyone.,phoebe,"yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible."
ross,"ah, so then his plane didnt explode in a big ball of fire?... just a dream i had- but, phew.",phoebe,hey hey hey! shes on!
jay leno,...now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in london? what is that all about?,phoebe,your mom was arrested?
monica,"lets see. congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.",phoebe,what about glen? he could be a glen.
monica,nah... not-not special enough.,phoebe,ooh! how about agamemnon?
monica,yeah.,phoebe,im in.
monica,hi.,phoebe,hi.
monica,what are you doing here?,phoebe,"nothing, i just thought id stop by.. yknow, after the uh... that i.. yknow, so what are you doing here?"
monica,im not really here. just thought id drop these off...on the way.. my way... do you come here a lot? without me?,phoebe,"no.  no! no! ...so, um, do you think hes doing any better than he was this morning?"
monica,how would i know? i-i wasnt here.,phoebe,"really? not even to, um, change his pajamas?!"
monica,"yeah, id say so. and theres no j in engorged.",phoebe,hey rach.
rachel,hey.,phoebe,hello.
monica,hello.,phoebe,going to the hospital tonight?
monica,"no, you?",phoebe,"no, you?"
monica,you just asked me.,phoebe,"okay, maybe it was a trick question.  um, rachel can we do this now?"
rachel,central perk is proud to present miss phoebe buffay.,phoebe,"thanks. hi, um, kay. id like to start with a song thats about a man that i recently met, whos, um, come to be very important to me."
ross,"okay, you cant, or  you cant?  okay, thats my finger.  thats, thats my knee.  still doing the play. aaah!",phoebe,"alright, whadyou do with him?"
monica,oh! youre awake!,phoebe,"look at you! how, how do you feel?"
monica,"oh, sorry.",phoebe,im phoebe buffay.
monica,im monica geller. ive been taking care of you.,phoebe,"well, we both have."
coma guy,"so, the etch-a-sketch is from you guys?",phoebe,"well, actually its just from me."
monica,i got you the foot massager.,phoebe,you know who shaved you? that was me.
monica,i read to you.,phoebe,i sang.  hah!
monica,"oh, my pleasure.",phoebe,youre welcome.
coma guy,so. i guess ill see you around.,phoebe,"what, thats it?"
coma guy,"alright, ill call you.",phoebe,i dont think you mean that.
monica,"this is so typical. yknow, we give, and we give, and we give. and then- we just get nothing back! and then one day, yknow, its just, you wake up, and see you around! lets go, phoebe.",phoebe,yknow what? we thought you were different. but i guess it was just the coma.
monica,wonderful!,phoebe,so good!
chandler,toootal chick-flick.,phoebe,"i-im sorry it wasnt one of those movies with, like, yknow, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast..."
rachel,"oh. oh, those little clunky amish things you think go with everything.",phoebe,hey.
all,hi.,phoebe,"whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?"
chandler,rachel lost marcel.,phoebe,"oh no, how?"
monica,he- he pooped in my shoe.,phoebe,which one?
monica,those cute little black ones i wear all the time.,phoebe,"no, which one? the right or left? cause the left one is lucky..."
monica,no!,phoebe,why would you leave your belgian waffle in the hall?
mr. heckles,saw regis philbin once...,phoebe,"okay, thank you, mr. heckles."
ross,my uncle marcel.,phoebe,"oh, is that who the monkeys named after?"
luisa,"oookay. are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?",phoebe,oh my god. youd put that poor little creature in jail?
monica,"pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?",phoebe,"yes, but there isnt always time!"
luisa,"i could... but i wont. if i find that monkey, hes mine.",phoebe,dun-dun-duuuur! sorry.
chandler,marcel?!,phoebe,marcel?
monica,marcel?,phoebe,marcel?
both,marcel?,phoebe,oh-my-god!
monica,whaaat!,phoebe,something just brushed up against my right leg!
monica,what is it?,phoebe,"oh, its okay, it was just my left leg."
monica,"look, phoebe!",phoebe,"yeah! oh, cmere, marcel! oh, marcel, cmere!"
monica,"run, marcel, run! run, marcel!  are you okay?",phoebe,"yeah, think so. oh!  huh.  whoah."
(scene 4,everyone in the hall outside mr. heckles door. ross is carrying the box of bananas. he bangs on the door),phoebe,"oh, this is so intense. one side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea."
monica,this is me in the sound of music. see the von trapp kids?,phoebe,nope.
monica,"gosh, doesnt it seem like a million years ago?",phoebe,oh. oooh! ooh! ooh!  ooh! my butt cheek is waking up! oooh! ooh!
joey,they do!,phoebe,rachel! come on out! monica made breakfast!
rachel,"look, y’know i know my life’s going pretty well, but i look around and i just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty.",phoebe,"yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me."
rachel,there you go!,phoebe,"i did it! one mile on a hippity-hop! that’s it!! that’s everything i wanted to do before i was thirty. oh, except i wanted to patch things up with my sister. but oh well. yay!!  and-and girls this thing is a godsend if you know what i mean."
rachel,"really! god ross, what were you thinking?  i know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.",phoebe,"oh, well get in line missy.  so, can i have a ride stud?"
ross,damnit!,phoebe,"okay, who’s next?"
rachel,"y’know what? i am going to do something today. i’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. i’m gonna get something pierced. like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.",phoebe,really?! ‘cause y’know that hurts.
monica,"all right rach, for what it’s worth, i think that you’re doing great. i mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well.",phoebe,least of all you.
joey,"dude, you soooo need this car.",phoebe,"okay. okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. okay, i’m gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. you guys push it forward so ross can drive out of his spot. okay? all right, here we go.  haul ass!!!!"
ursula,"right, why do you keep saying that?",phoebe,because it’s our thirtieth birthday.
ursula,"yeah, no we’re not thirty. we’re 31. okay.",phoebe,wait!
ursula,"oh, it’s you.",phoebe,yeah. what?!
ursula,"yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31.",phoebe,nu-uh!
ursula,yea-huh! that’s what is says on my birth certificate.,phoebe,you have your birth certificate?
ursula,"yeah, i got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.",phoebe,our mom.
ursula,right! okay.,phoebe,do you have my birth certificate?
ursula,"no, i sold it to a swedish runaway.",phoebe,"oh my god! oh my god, we are 31."
ursula,yeah.,phoebe,i just lost a whole year of my life.
ursula,okay.,phoebe,your middle name is pamela?
ursula,yes.,phoebe,"well, i never knew mine. do you remember what it is?"
ursula,yes! phoebe.,phoebe,that’s my first name.
chandler,"now, there is a dress laid out on your bed.  okay,  you’re doing great. you’re doing great. you’re doing fine.",phoebe,"hey, what’s going on?"
chandler,monica’s a little drunk.,phoebe,yay! i love drunk monica!
chandler,go change!  she doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk.,phoebe,"ohh! all right! all right. here’s what we’ll do, i’ll get twice as drunk as monica and then no one’s will even notice her."
rachel,okay! y’know what? i realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. all i really needed was a plan. see i wanna have three kids…,phoebe,"oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother."
rachel,as i was saying… i should probably have the first of the three kids by the time i’m 35 which gives me five years. i love this plan! i wanna marry this plan!,phoebe,"if you could do that, i’d marry the hippity-hop."
chandler,"now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? then we can put you in bed, okay? just smile and don’t talk to anyone.",phoebe,speech! speech! let’s hear from the birthday girl! huh?
chandler,pheebs!!,phoebe,don’t you see? everyone’s looking at me! the plan’s working! i didn’t even have to take off my top yet!
monica,i-i-i wanna thank you all for coming. my family and my friends…,phoebe,wooo!! hoo!!
monica,"i really like to say that i’m-um…  y’know what i’d really like to say? i’m drunk!!  that’s right mom and dad your little harmonica is hammered!!  and guess what! i’ve been drunk before! and i’ve smoked a cigarette! and i got a box of ding-dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! it’s all okay. it’s okay because i turned thirty today. and, and i can do anything i want! because i am a grown up.",phoebe,"okay quick, help me get this off!"
joey,yeah!!,phoebe,i lost a whole year! i can’t believe it! this is so unfair!
joey,"oh, i don’t know pheebs. it’ll be okay.",phoebe,"will it? will it?! i mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?"
joey,that’s not gonna happen. no.  because we have a new deal!,phoebe,"plus, it totally ruined my schedule! i…i haven’t done any of the things i wanted to do by the time i was 31!"
joey,like what?,phoebe,"like okay i-i-i, i haven’t met any portuguese people! i, i haven’t had the perfect kiss! and i haven’t been to sniper’s school!"
monica,"phoebe, y’know why don’t we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?",phoebe,"no, i just feel like being by myself for a while. all right? i’ll see you guys later. thanks."
joey,"pheebs! wait up!  listen uh, close your eyes.  maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list.",phoebe,oh yeah.
joey,"oh, and plus i’m 1/16th portuguese.",phoebe,oh!
rachel,"oh, if i only want two kids, can i keep him for another year?",phoebe,you did the right thing.
with help from,eric aasen,phoebe,"oh, ross, mon, is it okay if i bring someone to your parent’s anniversary party?"
joey,"so, who’s the guy?",phoebe,"well, his name is parker and i met him at the drycleaners."
chandler,"oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers?  who said that?",phoebe,"yeah, he’s really great though. he has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl i am."
ross,you were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!,phoebe,hey!
all,hi!,phoebe,"everybody, this is parker, parker this is…"
ross,hey,phoebe,hey!
parker,"dahaaa! i’m going to find the men’s room, be right back.",phoebe,i’ll go with you
ross,this room! this night! that waiter! his shoes! i must take a mental picture!  ooh sorry…,phoebe,were you guys making fun of parker?
ross,"that depends, how much did you hear?",phoebe,"so, he a little enthusiastic, what’s wrong with that?"
monica,"it’s just that, it’s so much.",phoebe,"well, so what i like him! do i make fun of the people you’ve dated? tag, janice, mona? no, because friends don’t do that. but, do you want my opinion? do you want it? ‘cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who’s who of human crap."
parker,are you okay? you seem kind of quiet.,phoebe,"no, i’m fine. i’m great. i’m with you."
parker,and i’m with you! what a great time to be alive! look at this plate-bouncy thing.  what an inspired solution to man’s plate dispensing problems.,phoebe,"hm huh, yeah."
parker,ah! oysters! let me feed you one.,phoebe,"no, that’s not necessary."
parker,please.,phoebe,"no, actually i don’t eat…"
parker,i won’t quit until you try.,phoebe,"okay, fine! fine!  mmm…hmmmmm…."
parker,what are they like? i’ve never had one.,phoebe,why don’t you just try one?
joey,"yeah uh, phoebe! look umm, i want to apologize about before, okay? we were being jerks. parker’s a nice guy and i’d like to get to know him.",phoebe,then you better do it now.
joey,why?,phoebe,because i’m going to kill him
joey,what-what?,phoebe,"you guys were right. he’s just too excited about…everything. i mean i’m all for living life, but this is the geller’s 35th anniversary. okay? let’s call a spade a spade this party stinks."
joey,"i know i’m having the worst time. there was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when i finally got up to the plates, i slipped on a giant booger!",phoebe,are you sure it wasn’t an oyster?
joey,"i guess it could’ve been, i didn’t really look at it. y’know, i just wiped it on chandler’s coat and got the hell out of there.",phoebe,he’s just such a great guy i’m so excited about him.
joey,"oh hey, you should be excited about him. there’s nothing wrong with him he’s a good guy.",phoebe,you think?
joey,yeah. ya know what i think; i think we were all just being too negative.,phoebe,"you’re right. you’re right, he’s just embracing life. we could all stand to be a little more like parker. you know what? i am like him! i’m a sunny, positive person."
joey,"actually, you have a little bit of an edge.",phoebe,what’s that now?
joey,nothing…,phoebe,oh look it’s parker!
parker,look! it’s the bunny hop!,phoebe,oooh i love it!
parker,you do?!,phoebe,are you kidding? people acting like animals to music. come on!
parker,my god what a fantastically well lit hallway!,phoebe,can i get you something to drink? like a water and valium?
parker,"i must say this apartment, its, its, there are no words…",phoebe,oh thank god.
parker,it’s a haven. a third-floor paradise. a modern-day eden in the midst…,phoebe,"yeah? i know! i know! uh huh? listen why don’t we just um, sit and relax? you know just be with each other. quietly!"
parker,that sounds great.  my god this is the most comfortable couch i’ve ever sat on in my entire life.,phoebe,"let’s try something else, let’s play a game."
parker,i love games!,phoebe,shocking! let’s play the game of who can stay quiet the longest.
parker,or…jenga.,phoebe,"but, let’s play this one first. and remember whoever talks first loses!"
parker,"i lose, now jenga.",phoebe,oh my god! oh my god!
parker,is something wrong?,phoebe,"wrong? really? you know the word wrong. everything isn’t perfect? everything isn’t magical? everything isn’t a glow with the light of a million fairies? they were just brake lights, parker!"
parker,"well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam!",phoebe,you don’t have to put a good spin on everything.
parker,i’m sorry that’s who i am. i’m a positive person.,phoebe,"no! i am a positive person. you are like santa clause on prozac, at disneyland, getting laid!"
parker,"so what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy?",phoebe,much less happy!
parker,"fine! well then to quote ross, i’d better be going.",phoebe,so long! don’t let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out!
parker,isn’t this the most incredible fight you’ve ever had in your entire life?,phoebe,uh huh.
monica,"oh good god, ross! how the hell do you do it?",phoebe,"ok, so this is pretty much whats happened so far. ross was in love with rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and italian guys. finally chandler was like forget about her but when ross was in china on his dig, chandler let it slip that ross was in love with rachel. she was like, oh my god. so she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didnt know was, that ross was getting off the plane with another woman. uh-oh! so, thats pretty much everything you need to know. but, enough about us. so, howve you been?"
monica,"im telling you, she went to the airport, and shes gonna go for it with ross!",phoebe,"oh my god. this is huge. this is bigger than huge. this is like, all right, whats bigger than huge?"
joey,"um, this?",phoebe,yes.
chandler,"yes, yes, we did, thanks to vidal buffay.",phoebe,"cause, you know,  if you dont look good, we dont look good. i love that voice."
monica,"pheebes, you know what im thinking?",phoebe,"oh, ok. how, its been so long since youve had sex, youre wondering if theyve changed it?"
monica,"no, although now thats what im thinking.",phoebe,"all right, so what were you thinking?"
monica,"well, i was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, i thought, maybe youd like to do mine?",phoebe,ohh! no.
monica,why not?,phoebe,"because, im just, im incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak."
monica,no youre not.,phoebe,"i know im not, but you are, and i was trying to spare your feelings."
monica,"please, just a little bit off the back.",phoebe,im still on no.
joey,"no-no-no-no-no,  im not fallin for that again.",phoebe,whats goin on?
paulo,bon giorno tutti!,phoebe,ewww!
rachel,"i dont know, i just kinda ran into him last night.",phoebe,where?
rachel,good! im glad its not a problem.,phoebe,"ok, youre gonna have to not touch my ass."
monica,"you know its funny, the last time paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.",phoebe,"all right. ok, but, but! you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and monica about it."
monica,i promise.,phoebe,"all right.  now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you arent. but i promise none of you are gonna feel a thing."
monica,what? i didnt say anything.,phoebe,"yeah, but this  isnt the face of a person who trusts a person. ok, this  is the face of a person who, you know, doesnt trust a person."
monica,"im sorry. im sorry, phoebe. its just a little shorter than what we had discussed.",phoebe,would you relax? i know what i am doing. this is how he wears it.
monica,how who wears it?,phoebe,demi moore.
monica,demi moore is not a he.,phoebe,"well, he was a he in arthur, and in ten."
monica,thats dudley moore. i said i wanted it like demi moore.,phoebe,oh. oh!
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,oh my god!
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,"oh my god! im sorry, im sorry. which ones demi moore?"
monica,"shes the actress that was in disclosure, indecent proposal, ghost!",phoebe,"oh, shes got gorgeous hair."
rachel,how is she?,phoebe,"its too soon to tell. shes resting, which is a good sign."
ross,hows the hair?,phoebe,"im not gonna lie to you, ross, it doesnt look good. i put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling."
joey,can we see her?,phoebe,"your hair looks too good, i think it would upset her. ross, why dont you come on in."
chandler,"come on, monica, things could be worse. you could get caught between the moon and new york city. i know its crazy, but its true.",phoebe,thank you.
julie,"i was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like andie mcdowells new haircut?",phoebe,"oh yeah! oh, i can do that."
julie,really?,phoebe,you wanna do it right now?
julie,great!,phoebe,"ok, i just wanna be really sure this time. andie mcdowells the girl from four weddings and a funeral, right?"
rachel,no. no no no no no. thats rodney mcdowell. andie mcdowell is the guy from planet of the apes.,phoebe,"oh, yeah. ok, thank you."
janice,"oh well, i’m divorced.",phoebe,"ohhh, wow."
chandler,bye.   i can’t stand the woman!,phoebe,what?! i thought you were crazy about her!
monica,done?,phoebe,yep!
rachel,it’s coming from joey!,phoebe,"oh my god, that’s so freaky! turn him off!!"
ross,hey!,phoebe,janice.
janice,"chandler! come on, i’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. it’s a real space saver.",phoebe,"yeah, i know, i do that ‘cause it makes me look taller."
joey,ross!  they’re gonna kill you!,phoebe,"well, why are you doing this anyway?"
ross,"well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. i mean, he’s like joe rugby.",phoebe,you’re kidding! and he plays rugby?! that’s so funny.  ohh! i see how you did that. all right.
emily,okay.,phoebe,hi.
emily,i can’t believe they’re doing that to him! i told them to go easy on him!,phoebe,"no offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so…"
ross,thanks.  i-i think i’m dying. i really do.,phoebe,"oh, poor baby."
ross,that’s not true!,phoebe,she’s right! you have to stop!
rachel,"hello, mrs. chatracus.",phoebe,"now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor?"
joey,"uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, i’m gonna go get some ice.",phoebe,"ooh, ice! i am so in the mood for ice!"
monica,"i guess joey was right, it does nothing.",phoebe,see? i’m doing it. i am totally doing it.  i lost it.
rachel,nooo way! the most romantic song ever is the way we were.,phoebe,"see, i-i think that one that elton john wrote for, um, that guy on whos the boss."
rachel,"what song was that, pheebs?",phoebe,"hold me close, young tony dan-za."
rachel,hey mon!,phoebe,"oh my god, has she slept at all?"
ross,"yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of richards cigar butts out on the terrace, so.",phoebe,"oh, okay that explains it. i got a call at two in the morning, but all i could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so i thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. but then i realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call."
monica,"its weird, but you know what i dont wanna throw this away. i mean this is like all i have left of him, gross, drain hair. ooh!",phoebe,"ooh. oh. it looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal."
monica,"i know, i know. im just so tired of-of missing him. im tired of wondering why hasnt he called. why hasnt he called!",phoebe,"maybe, because you told him not to."
ross,"princess leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. it was pretty cool.",phoebe,"yeah, oh, princess leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that."
rachel,really!,phoebe,"um, um. its huge. yeah, thats the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know."
rachel,did you ever do the-the leia thing?,phoebe,"oh, yeah, um-mm. oh!"
rachel,really! that-that great huh?,phoebe,no its just that i got this new pager and i have it on vibrate. see ya!
rachel,"oh, really, let me see, let me see.",phoebe,"rach, look!  oh, hi! where is my strong ross skywalker to come rescue me.  there he is."
ross,"i know, but its still worth mentioning, i think.",phoebe,"relax every muscle in your body. listen to the plinky-plunky music. okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. okay, tell me your happy place."
monica,"richards living room, drinking wine.",phoebe,"all right. no, no, no, not a richard thing, just put down the glass. and get out!"
monica,"im sorry, but thats my happy place.",phoebe,"well, okay, fine, use my happy place. okay, im just gonna, i have to ask that you dont move anything."
monica,"all right, ill try not to.",phoebe,"okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky...."
monica,do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?,phoebe,"all right, there are no questions in the happy place. okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees...."
monica,"ill bet hes totally over me, ill bet hes fine.",phoebe,"all right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, im sure, not permitted in the happy place. okay. just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. and the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook...."
monica,"so, i went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that i ordered for richard about the civil war. he loved the civil war.",phoebe,"monica, do you want us to take you home?"
ross,"i hate chandler, the bastard ruined my life.",phoebe,"hi, you guys."
rachel,what’s the matter?,phoebe,well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that i just hate. y’know? a massage client gave me three tickets to the helmet-pelts exhibit at the morgan chase museum.
joey,now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him.,phoebe,no! no! it’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!
joey,me too.,phoebe,okay that’s so generous!
chandler,and i think ross is generous too.,phoebe,great! okay then it’s just us girls!
monica and rachel,great.,phoebe,yeah.
rachel,so what-what is the exhibit.,phoebe,it’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.
ross,ohh! a man with a plan!,phoebe,"oh, this is so exciting! you get your picture back up on the wall of fame! eek!"
joey,"i know. it was so cool when i was up there before. me and jim belushi would just be crackin’ up about something… then i get fired off of days of our lives and he takes me down. now he’s just laughing at me. look at him, that smug belushi bastard, i’ll…",phoebe,"ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to matt lauer. look at him, smiling at me.  yeah i know; we’d be great together!"
joey,"okay, fine, i will bring you a tape, huh?",phoebe,"so umm, now do you have any of matt lauer’s clothes here? maybe? just ones that haven’t been cleaned yet?"
monica,yeah!,phoebe,"hey, and then lunch."
rachel,"oh, wait yes, but i can’t eat too much. paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.",phoebe,"oh wow. what, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s gay?"
rachel,what?! no! why?!,phoebe,"no reason! that would just be a really big surprise, right?"
monica,what?! are you crazy?! i’m not getting married! i’m not even engaged.,phoebe,"yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. and then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. that’s four years. chandler’s not gonna wait that long. he’s gonna find somebody else, y’know? someone, someone who did put their name on the list."
rachel,i’m gonna do it too!,phoebe,me too!
rachel,"really? who would, who would you marry?",phoebe,"i don’t know, i don’t have anyone right now. y’know?"
rachel,oh pheebs.,phoebe,don’t feel too sorry for me. at least my boyfriend isn’t gay.
monica,"phoebe, that stuff is…",phoebe,don’t even get me started on yours!
monica,phoebe!,phoebe,yeah?
monica,have you seen chandler?!,phoebe,no! why?
monica,the woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and chandler heard!  i know! how bad is this?!,phoebe,"well for the regular guy, it’s bad, but chandler, oh dear god!"
monica,i know! i know! and he totally freaked out and i can’t find him anywhere!,phoebe,what are you gonna do?
monica,"well, i’m never gonna listen to you again, that’s for sure!  y’know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?",phoebe,rachel said that!
monica,well rachel’s not here!,phoebe,"oh! here it is!  ooh, joey! why did you sign it, son of a bitch?"
the dry cleaner,son of a bitch!,phoebe,"okay, maybe ask this guy."
the dry cleaner,"you, get out of my shop!",phoebe,"well, what did he do?"
the dry cleaner,he went out with my wife!,phoebe,joey!
the dry cleaner,that’s my wife!!! get out!,phoebe,"well, we should go."
monica,i’m gonna go tell joey that  that you’re back. i was really worried about you.,phoebe,"hey, did she buy it?"
chandler,totally.,phoebe,so did heldi show you the place?
chandler,"yeah, it’s beautiful.",phoebe,i can’t believe you’re gonna ask monica to marry you!
monica,rachel you have to read this book. its called be your own windkeeper. its about how women need to become more empowered.,phoebe,"yeah and oh, and but theres, theres wind and the wind can make us goddesses. but you know who takes out wind? men, they just take it."
monica,"it is nothing like the hobbit. its like reading about every relationship ive ever had, except for richard.",phoebe,"oh yes. oh and, the part about how theyre always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but god forbid we should take a sip."
rachel,"uhh, i mean this is like reading about my own life. i mean this book could have been called be your own windkeeper rachel.",phoebe,i dont think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.
joey,"no no, uh, dont thank me for comin in. uh, at least let me finish. uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day youre better off taking the budge. you",phoebe,"ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? i would have to say no."
monica,"huuh, alright, danny arshak, ninth grade. oh, cmon rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.",phoebe,listen to you two. its so sad. looks like im gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
ross,"yup! you could plunk me down in the middle of any womans uterus, no compass, and i can find my way out of there like that!",phoebe,"ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta."
chandler,"and, were done with the yogurt.",phoebe,sorry.
rachel,"yes, my sisters giving us her place for the weekend.",phoebe,"woo-hoo, first weekend away together!"
4,00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and miss somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.,phoebe,"ok, thanks."
paolo,"buon giorno, bella phoebe!",phoebe,"oh, paolo, hi, what are you doing here?"
paolo,"uh, racquela tell me you massage, eh?",phoebe,"well, racquelas right, yeah!"
paolo,"uh, i am, uh, being naked?",phoebe,"um, thats really your decision, i mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! youre being naked!"
rachel,pheebs!,phoebe,fine!
monica,"phoebe, whats the matter?",phoebe,"nothing, im sorry, im just, im out of sorts."
monica,"phoebe, what is it?",phoebe,"all right, you know paolo?"
ross,"im familiar with his work, yes...",phoebe,"well, he made a move on me."
monica,"well, what happened?",phoebe,"well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until."
monica,are you sure?,phoebe,"oh yeah, im sure."
monica,was it...?,phoebe,"oh, boy scouts could have camped under there."
rachel,"ooo, what?",phoebe,uma thurman.
joey,feminist issue. thats where i went!,phoebe,she is gonna hate me.
chandler,"not like that, i wont!  kip would have liked the birds!",phoebe,hey!
rachel,hi pheebs!,phoebe,are you moving out?
rachel,"no, these arent all my suitcases.  this ones paolos.",phoebe,"um, um, rachel can we talk for a sec?"
rachel,"well, sure...just a sec, though, cause paolos on his way over.",phoebe,"oh!  ok, um, ok, um,"
rachel,"oh, pheebs, pheebs...",phoebe,"ok, um,  we havent known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. one, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, i never lie, and three, i make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world."
rachel,"ok, thanks pheebs  oh my god, why have i never tasted these before?!",phoebe,"oh, i dont make them a lot because i dont think its fair to the other cookies"
rachel,"all right, well, youre right, these are the best oatmeal cookies ive ever had.",phoebe,which proves that i never lie.
rachel,i guess you dont.,phoebe,paolo made a pass at me.
monica,heads up ross!  score!  you suck!,phoebe,are you okay?
rachel,i need some milk.,phoebe,"ok, ive got milk here you go...  oh! better?"
rachel,"no...oh, i feel so stupid! oh, i think about the other day with you guys and i was all oh, paolo, hes so great, he makes me feel so... oh, god, im so embarrassed!",phoebe,"im so embarrassed, im the one he hit on!"
rachel and phoebe,im so sorry! no im sorry! no im sorry! no im sorry!,phoebe,"no, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?"
rachel,"i dont know...right, hes the pig!",phoebe,such a pig!
rachel,"oh, god, hes such a pig,",phoebe,oh hes like a...
rachel,hes like a big disgusting...,phoebe,...like a...
rachel,...pig...pig man!,phoebe,"yes, good! ok..."
rachel,"oh, but he was my pig man...how did i not see this?",phoebe,"oh! i know!  its because... hes gorgeous, and hes charming, and when he looks at you..."
rachel,"ok, ok, pheebs...",phoebe,the end.
rachel,"oh, god...",phoebe,should i not have told you?
rachel,"no, no, trust, me, its, its, its much better that i know. uh, i just liked it better before it was better...",phoebe,"i think she took it pretty well. you know paolos over there right now, so..."
monica,"dont stare. now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now theres just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, , ok, that is either, how could you? or, enormous breasts! here he comes!",phoebe,ooh!
paolo,"uh, i am, uh, to say good-bye.",phoebe,"oh, ok bye-bye."
ross,"paolo, i-i just want to tell you and i think i speak for everyone when i say...",phoebe,"oh, just look at her..."
rachel,oh...,phoebe,you ok?
rachel,...medium...hmm...any cookies left?,phoebe,yep!
joey,this will just be my batch.,phoebe,"um, thats it. no. hey! you! j. crew guy. yeah. why have you been following me? i mean, all week long everywhere i look theres you."
guy,"you wouldnt return my calls, you sent back my letters....",phoebe,what?
guy,"one more chance ursula, please?",phoebe,"oooh. oh, well this is awkward."
guy,wh..,phoebe,"um, yeah, you want ursula, and im phoebe. twin sisters! seriously."
guy,"oh, thats great. im stalking the wrong woman. i am such a dingus!",phoebe,"oh, youre not a dingus."
guy,"i just, i want you to know i didnt used to be like this. before i meet your sister i was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.",phoebe,"well, i mean look its, its not your fault, you know. i mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay."
guy,well thanks.,phoebe,"wait,  you know what, i got a little story. when i was in junior high school i went through this period where i thought i was a witch. and there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that i think will help you a lot. he said okay, youre not a witch youre just an average student. see what im saying?"
guy,not really.,phoebe,"um, well, get over it. so, i mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. dont be so hard on yourself okay."
guy,"wait. youre right. i know youre right. and, thanks for being so nice. here",phoebe,"oh, thanks a lot. do you want to get a cup of coffee?"
guy,"yeah, okay.",phoebe,"okay.  okay, you dont have to walk behind me any more."
rachel,youre so pretty.,phoebe,hi!
all,"hey, phoebe.",phoebe,"hey, oh, you know that guy whos been following me? i talked to him today."
joey,you talked to him. are you crazy?,phoebe,"okay, first im not crazy. and second, say it dont spray it. anyway his name is malcom, and he wasnt following me, i mean he was, but cause he thought i was ursula, ick. and, thats why, thats why he couldnt just come up and talk to me. cause of the restraining order."
chandler,"umm, not feeling better bout malcom.",phoebe,"ooh! no, no, no, no, hes not like a kook, no. hes just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. and we just get along really well, and hes so cute."
ross,"oh my god, youve got a crush on your sisters stalker.",phoebe,"no, im just gonna help him, you know, get de-ursula-ized, like you know, like i did for joey after he went out with her."
joey,"hey, i didnt stalk her. i mean",phoebe,"okay, i asked for the news, not the weather."
malcom,heres my binoculars.,phoebe,"oh, great. great. youre doing great, you know real strong. going strong. keep going."
malcom,"these are my night vision goggles. this is the book i pretend to read when im watching her in the park. and these are mad lips, theyre just for fun.",phoebe,"oh, yeah. whats this?"
malcom,"oh, this is log i kept, recording her every movement. do you wanna here something from it?",phoebe,"um, not even a little bit."
malcom,its about you.,phoebe,"oh, okay then."
malcom,"i met phoebe today. she was really nice to me eventhough im such a loser. and, then when i was walking home i thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.",phoebe,good. so what were you thinking?
malcom,i was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.,phoebe,really?
malcom,no.,phoebe,oh.
malcom,"see thats just something i said now, so that maybe i could kiss you.",phoebe,"oh, okay."
joey,"maybe, i should call this place and get them to put my days of our lives on here. you know, juice this puppy up a little.",phoebe,hellooo!
ross,hows the maniac?,phoebe,"oh, well hes yummy. we did a little kissin."
rachel,"phoebe, what are you doing?",phoebe,"oh, no, no, no, no. you know what, hes not into that stuff anymore. he quit for me."
rachel,"pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for god knows how long, okay, you dont just give up something like that.",phoebe,"look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything."
ross,youre taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?,phoebe,"what, hes not still following her. do you think he is still following her?"
chandler,"pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.",phoebe,what are you saying i should do?
monica,"i think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.",phoebe,"thank you, monica."
malcom,phoebe?,phoebe,yes? yes! oh.
malcom,what are you doing?,phoebe,"oh, i was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. oh, here it is! oh."
malcom,were you following me?,phoebe,"um, perhaps. yes! yes, im sorry, im sorry. i was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister."
malcom,so you spied on me. i cant believe you dont trust me.,phoebe,"oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. just walkin along looking like me. what, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?"
malcom,"im sorry. im sorry. i tried to stop, but i couldnt. im so pathetic.",phoebe,"no, no, its not your fault. you know its partly my fault, cause i made you quit cold turkey. sorry, no. okay, well, i mean, i cant date you anymore, cause your, you know  wow! but um, but i will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. okay, stalk me for a while. huh? yeah, and, and, and, ill be like an ursula patch."
malcom,"uh-huh, i dont know.",phoebe,"yeah, just, okay, look im going. um, come on. op, op, behind the pillar, which way am i gonna go?"
ross,"just one uh, one additional relationship thought. probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk!",phoebe,"hey! new wallet, huh?"
joey,why don’t you tell me something i don’t know!,phoebe,"oh please, somebody tell me i don’t have to go to work today!"
monica,what’s the matter?,phoebe,"oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time i see him i just want to do things to him that i’m not allowed to charge for."
monica,so do them for free.,phoebe,"oh no, it is forbidden! no-no, mrs. potter fires people for fooling around with clients. and it’s against my oath as a masseuse."
ross,they make you take an oath?,phoebe,"no, i made myself take an oath. yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. yeah, that one’s actually from the boy scouts, but it just makes good sense."
chandler,why don’t you just give him to somebody else?,phoebe,"no, i can handle it. no, i’m a professional."
monica,you’re gonna do some feet flirtin’!,phoebe,i don’t what your talking about.
ross,then how do you explain the toe ring?!,phoebe,because it’s arabian princess day at work! okay?! leave me alone!
rick,"wow, you have really pretty feet.",phoebe,these old things.
rick,"would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it’s been killing me today.",phoebe,"you mean the—okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion."
rick,yeah.,phoebe,"sure, yeah, no i can do that, yeah, because umm, yknow, the muscles in the siadic area can get y’know, real  nice and tight. so umm, tell me rick, how umm, how did you injure the area."
rick,"oh, a 16-hour sit-in for greenpeace.",phoebe,oh.
rick,ow! did you just bite me?,phoebe,no!
chandler,"now, there’s two reasons.",phoebe,hey.
all,hey!,phoebe,"ohh, you guys, remember that cute client i told you about? i bit him."
rachel,where?!,phoebe,on the touchy.
ross,and that’s not against your oath?!,phoebe,"no, i know! i-i’m sorry, but the moment i touch him, i just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one."
chandler,i wanna quit the bank!,phoebe,"okay, baseball. rick, playing baseball. okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little… oh no—wait no, no! no! okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. umm, okay, on a plate, maybe rick’s pants come down a little. no! no! okay, chandler! okay chandler, ooh, that’s working. (the camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. time"
lapse. the clock now reads 3,"30, and phoebe is still giving rick his massage.)",phoebe,"chandler’s knees. chandler’s… ankles. chandler’s ankle hair.  oh no.  okay, you’re all set."
rick,"oh wow! that was amazing, was that really just an hour?!",phoebe,yeah! in… really long hour world.
rick,what?,phoebe,"ugh, okay, i have an enormous crush on you. but because you’re a client, i can’t ask you out, even though you give me y’know, the feeling."
rick,"wow! i had no idea! but you know, i could always find another masseuse.",phoebe,really?!
rick,"yeah, really.",phoebe,what?
rick,"suddenly, i very aware that i’m naked.",phoebe,"okay, quit down."
mrs. potter,"phoebe, we have rules here, this isn’t that kind of place.",phoebe,"oh yeah, oh and i know, but this isn’t what it looks like, ‘cause rick is my ahh, husband."
mrs. potter,"oh really? well, then you’d better tell his other wife, ‘cause she called three times asking where he is.",phoebe,"yes, i will tell her."
chandler,hey.,phoebe,"hey! so i had a great day, rick and i really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore."
monica,oh my gosh!,phoebe,"it’s so weird, i have never been fired from anything before!"
rachel,sweety...,phoebe,"i just-i just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y’know? i-i started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. then these policemen, thought i was a whore too. it’s been a really bad day, whore wise."
interviewer,"so it looks like you’ve got some great experience here. let’s see ahh, reason for leaving last job?",phoebe,"yeah, they thought i was a whore."
interviewer,"okay, we’ll give a call if anything comes up.",phoebe,great! thank you very much.
joey,"well, i get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. then amber and i go to venezuela to meet our other half-brother, ramone. and thats where i find the worlds biggest emerald. its really big but its cursed.",phoebe,"no. this game is grotesque. twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. ahh, hello, human-rights violation."
chandler,"ya know phoebs, dont feel so bad for em. after theyre done playing, i break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.",phoebe,"maybe thats because you havent taken the time to get to know him. lets remedy that, shall we?"
eddie,"not sean penn. alright, i, ive got a funny one, alright. my last girlfriend tilly. ok, were eating breakfast, right, and i made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. and all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, eddie. i say, yeah, she says, eddie, i dont want to see you anymore. and it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. and now theres like this incredible abyss, ya know, and im",phoebe,"and a crusty old man said ill do what i can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. thats it, thanks, good night."
monica,"ya know, i was thinking. ya know how we always stay at your apartment? well, i thought maybe tonight wed stay at my place.",phoebe,"oh, this is so nice. alright i have to make a speech. i just wanna say that of all the guys that monica has been with, and that is a lot, i like you the best."
chandler,"oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.",phoebe,"ok, ok, ok. ooh, hey new doc on the block, days of our lives joey tribbiani. ooh, cool picture."
joey,"uh, well, kinda yeah. like, remember last week when alex was in the accident? well the line in the script was, if we dont get this woman to a hospital, shes going to die. but i made it,  if this woman doesnt get to a hospital, shes not gonna live.",phoebe,"ohh, ok, i see what you did there. arent you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?"
joey,"naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.",phoebe,"but joey, youre gonna be fine. you dont need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera."
ross,you got it.,phoebe,hey...
ross,"pheebs, whats wrong?",phoebe,"oh, im just so exhausted from dragging around this...  huge engagement ring!"
ross,"so, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or  did he cry?  yeah, big surprise, i like proposals!",phoebe,"well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever."
all,whoo!,phoebe,"thank you!  oh, and i have something for you!"
rachel,mmh-mmh!,phoebe,"its, yes, my little black book. its got the numbers of all the guys ive dated."
rachel,"oh, pheebs, baby, thats nice but, you know what, i think im ok. why dont you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?",phoebe,"i would, but youre the last one."
rachel,"give me the book!  pablo diaz, brady smith, huh, guy-in-van?",phoebe,"oh, my first love!"
monica,what does the red x next to bob greenmores name mean?,phoebe,"dead.  oh, its ok, no, he  was old, yeah! and he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at omaha beach."
rachel,"phoebe, isnt jethro tull a band?",phoebe,"oh yes, they are."
ross,well see how dinner goes.,phoebe,hey!
monica,"hey, you wanna go to see a movie?",phoebe,"well, i told you i had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so mike could move in."
monica,"oh, right.",phoebe,yeah.
monica,"oh, well. now that im here i might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! just happen to have my label maker!",phoebe,"oh, its so hard to get rid of stuff! did you and chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together?"
monica,"uh, chandler did! what does he want you  to give  up?",phoebe,a bunch of stuff. and the worst one... he wants me to get rid of gladys.
monica,whos gladys?  oh! what a tragic loss!,phoebe,"yeah. i really hate to give her up. oh, i know!! oh, you should take her!"
monica,"well, i-i-i-i... i dont know...",phoebe,"why, you dont like her?"
monica,"well, of course i do. whats not to like! ill take her in a minute! but, you know, i think that youre giving up too easy, honey. i think that you need to fight for her!",phoebe,really? you think?
monica,"absolutely! yes, you say to him im sorry mike i cant live without her, she means too much to me!",phoebe,"ok, ill fight for her. ok! oh, wait, oh i just realized... if i do that, that means you dont get her."
benjamin,joking it is!,phoebe,"hi! sorry, im late."
monica,"hey, how did it go with mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting?",phoebe,"no, he really hates it. but hes gonna let me keep my box of human hair! so you got to pick your battles. but the good news is, gladys is yours!"
rachel,whos gladys?,phoebe,"oh, shes that work of art i made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame."
rachel,"oh, and monica gets to keep her? in her house? i am so jealous!",phoebe,"oh, i didnt know you wanted her too!"
rachel,but i insist harder!,phoebe,"girls, girls, stop, ok? well flip a coin. heads, shes rachels, tails shes monicas. . tails! monica, shes yours!"
chandler,he really is a chameleon.,phoebe,"well, gladys say hello to your new home!"
rachel,"well, hey! how about right above the tv? . that way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door!",phoebe,"yeah, yeah! and you can get rid of that french poster."
monica,i like that poster!,phoebe,really? it doesnt have anything coming out of it. or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom?
rachel,shes yours!,phoebe,hey!
monica,shes mine!,phoebe,you guys! you guys! you dont have to fight over her anymore.  whoever doesnt get gladys gets glynnis.
chandler,im a pretty little girl.,phoebe,i knew it!
rachel,"anyway, im going to be the coordinator of the womans collection, ill work right under the director, its the perfect, perfect job for me!",phoebe,"wow! well, if you nail the interview, youll get it!"
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,you wanna work on your interview skills?
rachel,o-okay!,phoebe,"okay! all right, lets start with the handshake. hi."
rachel,hi.,phoebe,"very good handshake, good wrist action."
monica,let me try.,phoebe,okay.  oh my god! what did i ever do to you?!
monica,did i squeeze it too hard?,phoebe,"lets just say, im glad im not chandler."
gary,"okay, now ive really have to go!",phoebe,but its just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just cause some guy shot at a store clerk.
gary,"i know, but its my job, sweethart!",phoebe,"okay, then maybe i can come too!"
garys radio,suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.,phoebe,"all right, you go."
gary,bye-bye.,phoebe,"kay, bye!"
monica,what?,phoebe,oh i just miss him so much!
monica,"wow! for just a week you guys are really close, huh?",phoebe,"yeah, its weird. i cant help it though hes so sweet, hes like this little puppy dog, yknow? but like a really tough one that shots bad guys. ohh, i just love beginning parts of relationships, yknow?! you just like cant keep your hands off each other."
monica,i know it is the best.,phoebe,so-so how long did that last for you and chandler?
monica,what? its still going on.,phoebe,"come on, seriously! when did it end?"
monica,"i-i am serious, i mean, were, were all over each other all the time.",phoebe,"okay, you know where you are better than i do. i was just curious."
monica,what dont you just calm down phoebe! all right?! why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that youre the only hot couple!!,phoebe,"god, i woke the beast. sorry.  i was wrong obviously, i just—i misspoke. its okay."
monica,"phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?",phoebe,"oh we cant, we already have plans."
monica,what are you doing?,phoebe,"well, same thing we did all day, hang out at garys apartment. he is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. but have fun at the movie."
monica,"oh, were not seeing a movie!",phoebe,youre not? then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?
monica,"oh umm, thats because i just wanted to yknow walk in on me and chandler while we were, yknow, doing it all night. will you excuse me for just a second?",phoebe,yeah!
rachel,"okay, well then how about a handshake?  oh god im sorry! oh god, im sorry! i did not mean to touch that—i mean you there. there. uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, im going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so—hey! ill see you monday!",phoebe,you tired chandler?
monica,"phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.",phoebe,"ohh,  umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here."
monica,you didnt!,phoebe,we did! we violated section 12 paragraph 7 of the criminal code!
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,hi
rachel,hey.,phoebe,oooh.� girls night out indeed.
mike,things are about to get wild.,phoebe,oh god.� remember the girls nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and ross?
rachel,oh god.� it seems like forever ago.,phoebe,"i know.� �� so, whats going on with you and ross?"
rachel,"well, um . . . i dont know.� i mean, for a long time nothing.� but you know, actually right before you picked me up, ross and i had a . . . ah . . . little thing.",phoebe,oh my god!� i love things.� what happened?
rachel,"well, um, first he told me he liked how i looked.� and, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.",phoebe,eye-contact?
rachel,mm-hmm.,phoebe,i hope you were using protection.
rachel,oh.�  should we send them something back?,phoebe,oooh.� lets do.� lets send them mashed potatoes.
rachel,"no!� wait!� no, no.� dont do that!� thats going to make them think they can come over here.",phoebe,so?� what if they do?
rachel,"well, were not here to meet guys.� you have a boyfriend, i have a b. . . baby and a ross.",phoebe,"yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen.� were just having fun.� you know, not everything had to go as far as eye-contact."
kevin,"so, were on our way to a couple of parties.� um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.",phoebe,"yeah. . . im sorry.� we werent really looking for anything to happen with you guys.� i, i have a boyfriend."
rachel,"oh, well, its complicated. i dont actually have a boyfriend.� but um. . .",phoebe,"bye.  wow. so, thats great. you, bill, ross, and emma are going to be so happy together. what were you thinking?"
rachel,"i dont know.� he was cute, and he liked me.� it was an impulse.",phoebe,what about ross?� what about your moment?� dont you want to talk to ross about it?
rachel,yeah.� that works for me.,phoebe,"yeah, i see what you mean.� by the way, nice ross imitation."
rachel,"oh, thanks.",phoebe,"but, your rachel wasnt whiny enough."
rachel,wha. . . hey!,phoebe,better!
rachel,"well, the point is, maybe i should just stop waiting around for moments with ross, you know?� i should just . . . move on with my life.",phoebe,really?� youre moving on from ross?
rachel,i dont know.� do i have to decide right now?,phoebe,"well, you kind of just did.� that guy is going to call you tonight.� ross is going to pick up the phone and thats a pretty clear message."
rachel,"oh god, ross.� ross is going to pick up the phone.� oh, i have to get my number back.� � oh my god.� hes gone.",phoebe,"oh, i have to get my number back.� oh my god.� hes gone.�  dead on."
mike,hello?,phoebe,"hey, mike, its me.� listen, is um, is ross near you?"
mike,"uh, no.� i just left.",phoebe,"well, you have to go back in."
mike,wha . . .?� go back?� to the land where time stands still?,phoebe,"im so sorry honey, but, okay, rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesnt want ross to answer the phone.� so, you have to intercept all his calls."
mike,i cant do that!,phoebe,he says he cant do that.
rachel,"oh give me , , ,� � hi, mike?� hi.� listen.� i know this is a lot to ask, but you know what?� if you do this i . . . phoebe will . . . do anything you want.� seriously, im talking dirty stuff.",phoebe,"all right. � hello?� hi.� im sorry about her, but she wasnt wrong about the dirty stuff."
mike,"all right.� ill do it.� � but really, how much dirtier can it get?",phoebe,"oh, mike.� bye."
mike,im so glad youre back.�,phoebe,oh.
mike,its true.� i did.,phoebe,"well, good bye."
rachel,that was fun pheebs.,phoebe,i know.� that was fun.�
mike,hey.,phoebe,hey.� ill be right back.� ive got to go to the bathroom.�
carol,guess what? ben is going to be in a tv commercial!,phoebe,what are you talking about?!
all,good luck! go get em!,phoebe,"okay, lets discuss rachels birthday. i say we throw a surprise party this weekend."
joey,"whoa-whoa, but her birthday isnt like for another month.",phoebe,"yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then its not a surprise."
joey,done.,phoebe,"okay, great so do you want to do it together?"
chandler,"yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.",phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,"hey rach, you wanna get some coffee?"
rachel,i would love to!,phoebe,oh good!
chandler,"yeah, i wanna go to babe.",phoebe,oh good.
monica,"yeah, me too!",phoebe,"oh, look at that."
monica,"all right, thats a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm yknow what i thought we would start out with tuscan style finger food, and for music, heres an alphabetized list of all my cds! ive highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.",phoebe,what happened to the intimate dinner party?
monica,"oh, were not doing that. okay…",phoebe,"so wow, it looks like you took care of everything. thanks a lot, co-host."
monica,"what?! i didnt take care of everything, theres-theres plenty of things for you to do!",phoebe,like what?
monica,cups.,phoebe,cups? youre giving me cups?
monica,and ice!,phoebe,"cups and ice? ooh, i get to be in charge of cups and ice?  all right. fine, okay, i will be in charge of cups and ice!"
monica,"wait a minute, i can get ice at the restaurant…",phoebe,i got it! mine!
kyle,"oh, oh, i thought we were just talking.",phoebe,hey!
ross and chandler,hi!,phoebe,is it okay if i leave this stuff here til rachels birthday party?
chandler,ah sure. whats in em?,phoebe,"umm, cups."
ross,seriously thats a lot of cups.,phoebe,"yeah well, thats cause monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice."
chandler,yknow i rued the day once…didnt get a whole lot else done.,phoebe,"okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups.  oh, hi joey!"
rachel,oh man!,phoebe,"check it out! cup hat!  cup banner! cup chandelier! and the thing that started it all, the cup!"
monica,why dont you just go out with her!,phoebe,and did you notice the ice?  look! we have it all! we have crushed! cubed! and dry! watch!  ahhh! mystical!
chandler,thank you! thank you!,phoebe,"oh, look! look! look!"
rachel,wow! this is great! look at all these cups! this is so weird.,phoebe,i was in charge of cups.
rachel,"uhh, we still need a tip.",phoebe,all right. hold on.  i got it. nickel!  how much more do we need?
rachel,a couple of bucks.,phoebe,"okay, dime!  you guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while.  oh no, wait! look it! whoa!  oh my god, this is a police badge!"
rachel,"phoebe, i bet somebodys missing that badge.",phoebe,"yeah, i should probably take it back. ooh, but you know what? while im at the police station, i could check their ten most wanted lists because my friend fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year!"
ross,a loser you did it with  298 times!,phoebe,"oh. oh! maam? excuse me, maam?"
the smoking woman,yes?,phoebe,you cant put your cigarette out on a tree!
the smoking woman,"yeah i can, it worked real well.",phoebe,no but you shouldnt! dont ever do that again.
the smoking woman,i wont!  until i have my next cigarette.,phoebe,hold it!  n.y.p.d! freeze punk!
the smoking woman,what?!,phoebe,yeah thats right you are so busted.  book em.
the smoking woman,who are you talking too?,phoebe,"save it red! unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree."
the smoking woman,i am not going to apologize to a tree!,phoebe,you apologize to the tree right now or i am calling for backup.   backup! backup!!
the smoking woman,i-im sorry! sorry.,phoebe,"okay, cancel backup! cancel backup!"
rachel,any chance you think the couch looks good there?,phoebe,"…so this guy was all  and im all, buffay, homicide.  it was just so cool!"
monica,"phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!",phoebe,i know but im having so much fun doing good deeds.
chandler,"okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. you could get arrested.",phoebe,"you could get arrested, right now!  all right, yeah, i gotta take it back. im totally drunk with power."
joey,how you doin?,phoebe,"excuse me, is this your car?"
guy,yeah.,phoebe,"well i dont think its very nice of you to park here, yknow youre blocking the entrance."
guy,dont worry about it. its not a problem.,phoebe,"well, its a problem for me, which means its a problem for you cause im a cop."
guy,so am i!,phoebe,"ohh, no.  oh okay, so youre a cop which means you can park anywhere, cause i know that cause im a cop too. so, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4."
cop,"hey, wait a second! so wait, what precinct are you with?",phoebe,"i-im with the umm, the 57th."
cop,"oh, i know a guy in homicide up there.",phoebe,"im in vice. yeah, in fact im undercover right now. im a whore."
cop,who-who else is in vice up there?,phoebe,"umm, do you know, umm sipowicz?"
cop,"sipowicz? no, i dont think so.",phoebe,"yeah, big guy, kinda bald."
cop,"no, i dont know him.",phoebe,"don’t try to call him or anything, cause hes not there, hes out. his umm, his partner just died."
cop,"wow umm, tell sipowicz im real sorry for his loss.",phoebe,"i-i sure will, take care."
cop,"hey by the way, im sure sipowicz is gonna be all right. i heard that kid from silver spoons is really good.  and where did you find my badge?",phoebe,oh.
cop,im looking for phoebe buffay!,phoebe,"ooh, god, its him! its that cop! god, i cant believe it! he found me!"
rachel,"oh my god, phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!",phoebe,"well, if im going down, im taking you  with me.  harboring a fugitive? thats one to three years minimum. good luck chandler.  okay, you can arrest me. fine. but youll never make it stick and you know it!"
cop,"yeah, but i kinda dont have a choice, its my job. i mean, you understand right?",phoebe,yep! as long as you understand that im going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand hell make you look like a fool. a fool!
cop,"i dont like looking foolish. yknow what? maybe uh, i dont arrest you today. maybe i came by and you werent here.",phoebe,i would love it if i werent here!
cop,"okay, so since umm, youre not going to jail tonight i was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?",phoebe,me?!
chandler and joey,nice!,phoebe,wow! i didnt see that coming! youre-youre asking me out!
cop,"yeah. i mean, i coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.",phoebe,"umm, yeah, id like to go out with you officer…"
cop,gary.,phoebe,gary.
gary,"okay, so its a date.",phoebe,"yeah! so--ooh, i gotta ask you though. how did you know where to find me?"
gary,well youre fingerprints were all over my badge so i just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so i just checked it out.,phoebe,"ohh, impressive."
gary,"not as impressive as you. i gotta tell you, i looked at your record and youve done some pretty weird stuff.",phoebe,"yeah, well talk at dinner."
gary,okay.  so ill come by in a couple hours and pick you up?,phoebe,"all right, i cant wait!"
joey,"oh hey but, before you guys do that  i need to talk to you, and ross, i need to talk to you.",phoebe,oh and i need to talk to you.
monica,about what?,phoebe,to see if know what these guys are talking about.
mr. geller,"well of course ben, i meant my first granddaughter.  wow.",phoebe,"have umm, have you thought anymore about you and rachel?"
ross,"oh well yeah, actually i was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room.",phoebe,"yay! it’s so exciting! wow, you could’ve done that with us there."
ross,yeah right.,phoebe,"oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can’t talk to rachel."
ross,what?! when have i ever touched myself in front of you guys?,phoebe,"oh please! just before when you were asleep in the lounge! that armenian family was watching you instead of the tv. oh, that reminds me. that mr. hasmeje still has my gameboy."
ross,actually umm…,phoebe,hey!
rachel,hi.,phoebe,are you all right?
rachel,uhh… i think i just got engaged.,phoebe,oh my god! he did it?
rachel,well…did you know he was gonna ask me?,phoebe,are you kidding? i’m like the one who talked him into it. i like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
rachel,and you really think this is a good idea?,phoebe,"i just talked him into it, don’t tell me i have to do you too. the puppet master gets tired people."
rachel,i just don’t know! it just doesn’t feel right.,phoebe,"why?! you two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so."
rachel,really?! even ross?,phoebe,especially ross!
ross,"wow! kind of uh, kind of a full house here. i’ll guess just…i’ll come back.",phoebe,"there he goes, your fianc�e."
rachel,i guess so.,phoebe,although he does play with himself in his sleep.
joey,i don’t know! maybe she’s crazy!,phoebe,oh hey! wait up!
ross,hi!,phoebe,congratulations! i didn’t want to say anything in front of joey ‘cause i didn’t know if he knew yet.
ross,"what, that we had a baby? come on let’s give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.",phoebe,"no! no, that you and rachel are engaged!"
ross,what?,phoebe,"oh, it’s a secret. oh goodie! yes! we haven’t done the secret thing in a long time."
ross,"phoebe, there is no secret. okay? i didn’t propose.",phoebe,are you lying? is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?
ross,i am a doctor! y’know what? i’m just gonna go and talk to rachel myself.,phoebe,"all right, me too.  should we wake her up?"
ross,"no! no, come on let her sleep! she’s so exhausted.",phoebe,and so engaged.
ross,what?  oh my god! she-she thinks we’re engaged! why? why? why would she think we’re engaged?!,phoebe,perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? y’know ross doctors are supposed to be smart.
ross,i didn’t give her that ring!,phoebe,really?
ross,no!,phoebe,so whose ring is it?
ross,it’s mine.,phoebe,is it an engagement ring?
ross,yes!,phoebe,but you didn’t give it to her?
ross,no!,phoebe,but you were going to propose?
ross,no!!,phoebe,"huh, i might be losing interest in this."
ross,"look. look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to rachel, but all i wanted to do is if she maybe…kinda…wanted ah…start…things up again.",phoebe,"oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment."
ross,"look, i didn’t want to rush into anything. and it seemed like she didn’t want to either. but i don’t, i don’t understand how any of this happened! what? did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that i was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?",phoebe,"no! no, she said you actually proposed to her."
joey,hey! let me ask you guys something. i have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks ishould have my eyebrows waxed. is that weird for a guy?,phoebe,well it depends.
joey,on...?,phoebe,on how far along hes in the sex change process!
joey,ok! stop it you guys! stop staring! youre freaking me out!,phoebe,your knuckles are kinda hairy too...
joey,oh man! i have to get those done too?!,phoebe,wow! talking about high maintenance
joey,hey hey! you dye your hair!,phoebe,im a woman!
joey,arghhh! double standards!,phoebe,"oh before i forget, are you coming to mikes piano bar tonight?"
monica,only if i dont have to get up and sing.,phoebe,"but everybody sings. its so much fun! last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped outand everyone booed him off the stage. so funny."
monica,"its just, im not good at singing.",phoebe,oh! whats the matter? are you scared? youre afraid im a better singer? youre afraid im gonna beat you at singing?
monica,"no no, its not working on me. wow! i must be growing up!",phoebe,ok fine! please come and support mike. you dont have to sing.
monica,so i dont have to sing and i can just sit there and pass judgments on others?,phoebe,while drinking...
rachel,hi guys! listen i really need your help. i think i did something really stupid.,phoebe,well yes rachel but you got something so beautiful out there
rachel,no not that. i kissed gavin last night.,phoebe,oh my god.
monica,wait wait wait. i was at home the whole time. how did i missed that?,phoebe,"it was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper."
rachel,or...i could call in sick and not deal with it at all...,phoebe,"wow! five-month maternity leave, youre back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you!!"
gavin,"one of the best, maam, one of the best...",phoebe,"no time for losers, cause we are the champions of the world...! thank you!"
mike,oh shes my girlfriend. thats not just how we do it here. i got to get a break and when we come back weve got kennethsinging i touch myself...im not here to judge!,phoebe,hi hi...oh you have got to sing.
monica,no i told you i cant.,phoebe,but you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice.
monica,what have you heard me sing?,phoebe,all the time when youre cooking.
monica,what?,phoebe,"yeah youre always singing yummy yummy yummy, ive got love in my tummy"
monica,yeah i do rock that one.,phoebe,ok so isnt there a little part of you that wants to get up there?
monica,wait wait! i cant sing in front of all these people.,phoebe,"just pretend theyre not even here! its ok monica, when that spotlight hits you it so bright you wont see anyoneanyway."
monica,"hi! im monica and im gonna be singing delta dawndelta dawn, whats that flower you have on? could it be a faded rose from days gone by? ...",phoebe,can you totally see through her shirt ?
monica,"take me to the mansion in the sky-y. i am sorry, the song is over. did you see me out there?",phoebe,every little bit of you!
mike,sure.,phoebe,"mon, not that you didn�t sound good, but..."
monica,"ok, for my next song i think i�ll sing something a little more upbeat. all right? oh, how about the pointersisters �i am so excited�. and make it bouncy!",phoebe,oh you�ll probably take care of that on your hands.
chandler,oh my god!,phoebe,"yes, she gives the people what they want."
chandler,are those my wife�s nipples?,phoebe,"oh? isn�t that funny? i didnt see that before, i wouldnt have let her go up again."
joey,hey ross!,phoebe,hey!
chandler,did they teach you that in your anger management class?,phoebe,"hey, you know what might help you deal with it? think of it this way, you and emily are in the past and you cant be mad about the past. so are you still mad about the louisiana purchase?"
rachel,"pheebs, i don’t think anyones mad about that.",phoebe,exactly! because its in the past!
rachel,no!   if there was i wouldnt tell you.,phoebe,"okay, then what happened?"
ross,"hey pheebs, whats going on?",phoebe,nothing!   this is not over!
ross,no! no! no!,phoebe,what?!
joey,"thats right, he almost could. which is exactly how i got stuck there.",phoebe,hey!
rachel,"ohh, out, oh god, i dont know why we didnt think to check there!",phoebe,what were you doing?
janice,"so im asking you please, take a moment before you judge me.",phoebe,"oh, nobodys judging you."
ross,"okay, look, i-i know what you guys are going to say…",phoebe,you two will have very hairy children.
ross,"look, i didnt lose my mind! okay, janice and i have a lot in common! weve-weve both been divorced. we-we both have kids.",phoebe,so are you actually gonna see her again?
joey,"all right, put your 20 bucks down. first one to find the tasty treat wins. okay?",phoebe,uh-hmm.
joey,all right. lets get the contestants out of their isolation booths.  and theyre off!,phoebe,get your foot off my contestant! judge!
joey,"judge rules, no violation.",phoebe,ohhh.
ross,hey guys!,phoebe,hey!
joey,what?!,phoebe,are you serious?!
ross,yeah! i opened up to her about all the terrible stuff thats been happening to me. i mean i talked for hours.  it is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention.,phoebe,"you dont need janice for that, youve got us. we…"
joey,and the duck gets the nutter-butter!,phoebe,"no!! hey-hey thats not a nutter-butter, thats just an old wonton!"
joey,"judge rules, nutter-butter.",phoebe,"ohh, tough call."
janice,janice has a question. who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?,phoebe,"wow, it’s like a dirty math problem."
joey,"hey, there’s a dog out there!",phoebe,"oh, that is so unfortunate."
ross,what?,phoebe,cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.
monica,"okay, i’ll be back in just a minute. oh, phoebe i’m sorry that i left lipstick marks on the phone.",phoebe,you didn’t leave lipstick marks on the phone.
monica,"oh, then it must’ve been you. bye.",phoebe,bye-bye!  that’s why i moved out.
ross,"hey, yknow while we’re on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don’t live here anymore.",phoebe,i think on some levels she already knows.
ross,"phoebe, she doesn’t know that you sneak out every night, she doesn’t know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn’t know that you’ve been living with your grandmother’s for a week now.",phoebe,"okay, well maybe not on those levels."
chandler,"i’m never gonna find a roommate, ever.",phoebe,"why, nobody good?"
ross,"oh, better, actually. yknow i-i-i think i finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately.",phoebe,"oh, really?"
ross,"no real-, honey, really it’s fine, just g-go with susan. really, i, no, i think girls night out is a great idea. okay, okay, bye",phoebe,so what are they doing?
ross,"i don’t know, something girlie.",phoebe,"hey, you’re early."
monica,what are you doing with the lamp?,phoebe,i’m just taking it to be re-wired.
monica,"oh, well don’t take it to the same place you took the stereo, ‘cause they’ve had that thing for over a week.",phoebe,"no, no, mr. heckles no one is making any noise up here."
mr. heckles,you’re disturbing my oboe practice.,phoebe,you don’t play the oboe!
mr. heckles,i could play the oboe!,phoebe,then i’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down.
monica,pheebs?,phoebe,huh?
monica,where’s your bed?,phoebe,it’s not in the apartment?  oh no. i can’t believe this is happening again.
monica,what?,phoebe,"okay, enough with the third degree! i-i’ve, i don’t live here anymore."
monica,what are you talking about?,phoebe,"i’m sorry, i-i-i-i don’t live here anymore. i-i didn’t know how to tell you, but yknow everybody else knows!"
monica,everybody knows!,phoebe,"that was supposed to be a good thing, i forget why. just listen, monica, i, do you know, okay, do you know, i couldn’t sleep for like a month because i got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions."
monica,"well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.",phoebe,"yeah, i would’ve except i had a big spaghetti stain on the other side."
monica,what?!?!,phoebe,"okay, this is what i’m talking about, this. i-i need to live in a land where people can spill."
monica,you can spill. in the sink.,phoebe,"aw, honey it’s not your fault, yknow this is who you are, and i love you, and i want us to be friends, and if i keep living here i don’t see that happening."
monica,"i love you, too.",phoebe,"aww, good.  what?"
monica,what? i’m just said.,phoebe,"no you’re not, you’re wondering which cushion it is."
ross,hi. where is everybody?,phoebe,"oh, it’s already closed, chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong?"
ross,"my marriage, i think my marriage is um, is kinda over.",phoebe,oh no! why?
ross,"‘cause carol’s a lesbian.  and, and i’m not one. and apparently it’s not a mix and match situation.",phoebe,"oh my god! i don’t believe it! oh, you poor bunny."
ross,"i’m an idiot. i mean shoulda seen it, i mean carol and i’d be out and she’d, she’d see some beautiful woman, and, and she’d be ross yknow look at her, and i’d think, god, my wife is cool!",phoebe,"aw! hey, do you think that susan person is her lover?"
ross,"well, now i do!!",phoebe,i’m sorry.
ross,"seven years. i mean we’ve been together seven years, she’s the only woman who’s ever loved me, and the only woman i’ve-i’ve ever....",phoebe,"aw, god ross. oh."
ross,"maybe this would’ve happened if i’d been more nurturing, or i’d paid more attention, or i... had a uterus. i can’t believe this!",phoebe,"i know no, no, yknow you don’t deserve this, you don’t ross. you’re, you’re really, you’re so good."
ross,thanks.,phoebe,and you’re so sweet.  and you’re kind
ross,"wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.",phoebe,huh?
ross,"wait, wait, wait.",phoebe,what?
ross,my foot is stuck in the pocket.,phoebe,what?
ross,"no, i can’t get it out.",phoebe,"well, that’s not something a girl wants to hear."
ross,"no, come on don’t start.  ouch!",phoebe,what?
ross,oh well. it probably would’ve been the most constructive solution.,phoebe,you have chalk on your face.
ross,huh?,phoebe,"oh, ross you’re right, i don’t know why i always thought this was real grass."
her friends,awwww!!,phoebe,hey! i got you a present!!
chandler,oh my goodness! where did you hide it?,phoebe,"i got it for your wedding and i ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got"
monica,i love it! it’s huge!! let’s open it! open it!!,phoebe,it’s a ms. pac-man machine!!
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,i didn’t know where to put it so i just left it here for now.
chandler,i kinda like it here.,phoebe,do you really like it?
monica,are you kidding?! i practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade!,phoebe,oh really? what was your first?
rachel,all right?,phoebe,"no. no! yes! ahh. oh, would you look at that monica? i just knocked off"
monica,"okay, i’m next.  don’t!",phoebe,"oh, i’m sorry. i didn’t hear you over all the winning."
chandler,i don’t suck. it’s sucks. you suck.,phoebe,"wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you,"
chandler,why do you want to play this game so bad?,phoebe,yeah! it’s not like it spits out a clark bar after every
monica,"okay, i got that. i’ll escape over there. i’ll come back over",phoebe,"hey, you guys. listen, i’m sorry that i was hogging the"
monica,they’re all chandler.,phoebe,chandler sucks! he couldn’t have gotten this good!
monica,"oh my god phoebe, you’re on fire!",phoebe,i know!
chandler,one more score to go! you can do it!,phoebe,don’t touch me!!
chandler,all right! go left! go left! go right!! go right!!,phoebe,i can’t!! i can’t!!  noooooooo!!!!!!! you son of a
ross,phoebe!!,phoebe,oh hi ben—no!! don’t look at the machine!
ross,"yeah, well just use our special cake tools.",phoebe,"hey, whats going on?"
phoebes friends,surprise!,phoebe,"oh, oh, oh! this is so great! oh my god! this was not at all scary. hi everybody. hi betty! betty, hi!  you found betty! oh my god!  this is great. everybody i love is in the same room,  wheres joey?"
monica,hi.,phoebe,trouble?
joey,your sister stood me up the other night.,phoebe,"oh, no. dont you hate it when people arent there for you?"
joey,"ive been trying for two days. when i called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. i cant believe shes blowin me off.",phoebe,hey.
ursula,oh!,phoebe,"um you, you got a minute?"
ursula,"um, yeah, im just...  ..working.",phoebe,so.
ursula,uh-huh.,phoebe,"um, oh, i got you a birthday present."
ursula,"oh, wow! you remembered!  oh! its a judy jetson thermos!",phoebe,"right, like the kind you..."
ursula,"right... oh, i got something for you, too.",phoebe,howd you know i was coming?
ursula,"um, yeah, um, twin thing.",phoebe,i cant believe you did this.
ursula,"oh, right. he is so great. but thats over.",phoebe,does he know?
ursula,who?,phoebe,"joey. you know, um, hes really nutsy about you."
ursula,he is? why?,phoebe,you got me.
ursula,excuse me. doesnt this come with a side salad?,phoebe,"so, um, are you gonna call him?"
ursula,what?  do you think he likes me?,phoebe,"no, joey."
ursula,"oh. no, no, he is so smart. hell figure it out.  do you want some chicken?",phoebe,no. no food with a face.
ursula,you have not changed!,phoebe,"yeah, you too."
rachel,hi.,phoebe,hey.
joey,"..ah, whatre you doing here? ive been trying to call you.",phoebe,"listen, um..."
joey,"no, no, no, dont say listen. i know that listen. ive said that listen.",phoebe,im sorry.
joey,i dont get it. what happened? what about everything you said under the bridge?,phoebe,": yeah, um...  you know you, you should just forget about what i said under the bridge, i was talkin crazy that night, i was so drunk!"
joey,you dont drink.,phoebe,"thats right, i dont... but i was, i was drunk on you!"
joey,"oh, urse...",phoebe,"okay, yeah, so its not gonna work."
joey,why? is it because im friends with phoebe?,phoebe,"if it was, would you stop hanging out with her?"
joey,"no. no, i, i couldnt do that.",phoebe,"um, then yes, its cause of phoebe! so, you know, its either her or me."
joey,"then, uh, then im sorry.",phoebe,"you know... youre gonna be really, really hard to get over."
joey,"i dont know whether its just cause were breakin up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.",phoebe,really?
joey,pheebs?,phoebe,yeah. oooh...
joey,we just got the message.,phoebe,is he alright?
monica,"i don’t know, my hand feels weird. i guess it’s because, i’m engaged!  how long before it starts getting annoying?",phoebe,it starts?
monica,"this baby has got everything. take y’know, locations for instance.  first, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.",phoebe,that is so smart!  break it off. break it off now.
ross,and that should conclusively prove that i had the idea for jurassic park first! now let’s take a look at…,phoebe,hey! ross!
ross,"phoebe, oh my god! wh-wh-what are you doing here?",phoebe,"i need to talk to you, it’s pretty urgent. it’s about monica and chandler."
ross,"oh my god! of course, of course.  umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? umm, do you know each other’s hometowns? why don’t you…   wh-what’s going on?",phoebe,"well, umm, not much. but, i was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y’know? so, could i just move in with you for a couple days?"
ross,"umm, okay, yeah, sure. but wh-what’s wrong with monica and chandler?",phoebe,nothing—why?!
ross,"phoebe, you said it was urgent!",phoebe,oh yeah it is! i’m going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
ross,do you realize i have a classroom full of students?,phoebe,"oh, i’m sorry. i’m so rude. does anyone want to come to the movies?"
ross,"uh, phoebe…",phoebe,"oh ross, hi."
ross,"phoebe, what are you doing?",phoebe,"i’m sorry, i’m with a client right now."
ross,phoebe!,phoebe,"okay, let’s talk outside."
ross,"phoebe, you can’t massage people in my apartment!",phoebe,what’s the big deal? i did it at monica and chandler’s!
ross,and they knew about it?,phoebe,"okay, well ross, what is this really about?"
ross,"look, this is my home and i want to be able to come and go whenever i want!",phoebe,"okay, i will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. i just don’t know what the big deal is!"
monica,my parents spent the money for our wedding!,phoebe,my god! what did you order?!
rachel,do you even understand what off the rack means?!,phoebe,"look, why don’t you just pay for it yourself?"
chandler,"well, come on, i’ve been saving this money for six years and i kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.",phoebe,"wow!  hello, mr. chandler."
chandler,"yes, i am!",phoebe,"wow, money and a firm hand. finally a chandler i can get on board with."
ross,"oh yeah, yeah? well uh, when we were going out, i read tons of porno magazines!   ‘sup?",phoebe,ross! how could you do that to an old man?!
ross,excuse me ladies.  i’m sorry?,phoebe,"my massage client, arthur? his daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon."
ross,i gave him an extremely professional massage!,phoebe,he said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
ross,"okay, so it wasn’t uh, a traditional massage. but i did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. and, and i gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.",phoebe,"well, he’s never coming back! okay? you just cost me eight dollars a week!"
ross,"hey, y’know what? this is your fault! you’re the one that didn’t move his-his appointment.",phoebe,"oh, it’s my fault?! you didn’t have to massage him! you could’ve sent him away! you could’ve not rolled tonka trucks up and down his back!"
mrs. waltham,"yes, waltham interiors.",phoebe,"uh, hello, this is ross geller’s personal physician, dr. philange."
mrs. waltham,who?,phoebe,"yeah, i’ve discovered that ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own."
mrs. waltham,"oh my god, phoebe.",phoebe,"no, not phoebe, dr. philange. oh no! you have it too!"
rachel,hi!,phoebe,"hi, so what happened?"
rachel,"well, ross said my name.",phoebe,"yeah, i know, but i don’t think that means anything."
joey,"had the beef-tips, huh?",phoebe,hey!
joey,hi!,phoebe,you ate meat!   you had sex!
chandler,no we didn’t!,phoebe,"i know you didn’t, i was talking about monica."
monica,"phoebe, i did not have sex.",phoebe,this pregnancy is throwing me all off.
joey,"all right, i’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.",phoebe,"oh, me too!"
joey,"why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days?",phoebe,"oh right, maybe i’ll just go home."
monica,"well, usually when i’m this anxious, i clean!",phoebe,who’s cell phone is that? it’s just so annoying; everywhere you go.
ross,i think it’s coming from your bag.,phoebe,i never get calls!!  hello?
eric,"hi, it’s eric. from the halloween party, ursula’s fianc�e.",phoebe,"oh my god eric hi! wait, how’d you get this number?"
eric,"oh, i have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me.",phoebe,wow! what an incredible violation—and wonderful surprise.
eric,"uh listen, i just—i thought you should know i broke up with ursula.",phoebe,oh you did?  he did it! he did it!
rachel,wow! what did he do?,phoebe,shhh! i’m talking.
eric,"anyway, i was wondering if, you were the sort of person who…eats lunch.",phoebe,are you asking me out? ‘cause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.
eric,yeah uh…okay. i’m-i’m sorry. bye.,phoebe,no! wait! i was just saying that so you’d think i was a good person. fight for me.
eric,"uhh, i won’t take no for an answer.",phoebe,"not great, but we can work on it at lunch. okay, i can be at your apartment in two hours."
eric,great! but wh-wh—how do you know where i live?,phoebe,"i’ve got friends too. okay, bye."
eric,bye.,phoebe,"oh my god! i’m going out with eric! ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than i thought it was gonna be. oh ross, i can’t make lunch."
monica,yeah!,phoebe,hi!
eric,"come in, i’m so glad you’re here.",phoebe,"yeah, me too. not in the shaky angry way you are though."
eric,"sorry, i just saw ursula. i had to give the engagement ring back.",phoebe,oh.
eric,"just seeing her brought it all back. all the lies, the way she used me. i just…i got so angry just looking at her……face.",phoebe,yeah.  yeah.
eric,i’m sorry. i just…when i look at you i see her. when i see her i get a little bit angry.,phoebe,maybe this is too weird.
eric,no wait! there’s only a problem when i look at you.  oh i got it! i got it.,phoebe,no don’t tear out your eyes!!
eric,"i was just, i was just gonna take out my lenses.",phoebe,"oh, yeah try that.  so, is that better?"
eric,"not really. you…you’re blurry, but you still look like ursula. you’re blursula. okay wait. maybe…if i-if i just don’t look at you for a while.  see? it…it works. i’m not, i’m not angry at all anymore! this is a great date!",phoebe,"look eric, turn around.  look, i like you, but it shouldn’t be this hard. y’know? this is our first date y’know? first dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and ‘ooh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?’ and y’know first kisses and……second kisses."
joey,"i’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate i ever had.",phoebe,"ooh, oh no! i have to go! i have a massage appointment."
eric,"oh no, stay here we’ll keep doing this. i’ll pay you.",phoebe,"no, i got in trouble for that before. i’ll see you later."
eric,absolutely.  i love the way you kiss.,phoebe,really? that’s the thing i’m worse at! you’ll see.
ross,all right then.,phoebe,hey!
eric,welcome back!,phoebe,hey!  can we pick up where we left off?
eric,"i don’t know, i’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon.",phoebe,why?
eric,"uh, the sex.",phoebe,what sex?
eric,our sex.,phoebe,we didn’t have sex.
eric,"well if i didn’t have sex with you, i had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like…",phoebe,ew! ew! ew! ew! ew! ew!
eric,oh no! oh no! oh no! oh no! no! no! no!,phoebe,you-you…you had sex with ursula?!
eric,"uh, a little bit. she-she-she walked in and i thought she was you and i kissed her and…",phoebe,you didn’t notice she was wearing different clothes?!
eric,well i was just so excited to see you.,phoebe,oh. ew! ew! ew! ugh! y’know what? this is too weird.
eric,no-no it’s not! i don’t want to lose you! it’s-it’s like i was saying to ursula when i was making love to her and i thought she was you—yeah it is too weird.,phoebe,so i guess this is it.
eric,yeah.  maybe it’s for the best. you smell just like her.,phoebe,"yeah, so do you."
ross,"hmm? oh, yeah.",phoebe,"morning. rach, im here with the purses!"
rachel,"thank you, thank you, thank you, pheebs.",phoebe,"your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles."
rachel,"yeah, its kinda like a good luck on your first day sort of thing.  is this actually a lunchbox?",phoebe,"umm, no, its a purse. and theres a thermos in it."
chandler,well apparently albert has no friends. hes very excited about the bachelor party though. i think actually the only reason hes getting married is so he can see a stripper.,phoebe,"a stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich�. why dont you get a magician?!"
joey,"hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. i wasnt one of the zoom kids either.",phoebe,"well, can you dance at all?"
chandler,"oh no, no, no, no.",phoebe,"what, what is that?"
monica,hi!,phoebe,"oh, how was last night with julio, senorita?"
monica,"oh good, i think so too. pheebs?",phoebe,oh yeah.
chandler,bye-bye.,phoebe,"oh my god, oh my god! poor monica!"
chandler,"what, what, what?!",phoebe,"what?! he was with her when he wrote this poem. look,  my vessel so empty with nothing inside. now that ive touched you, you seem emptier still. he thinks monica is empty, she is the empty vase!"
chandler,you really think that is what he meant?,phoebe,"oh, totally. oh, god, oh, she seemed so happy too."
joey,bye.,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey.,phoebe,what are you wrapping?
monica,"oh-ho, look what i got julio.",phoebe,"yeah, its a vase."
monica,"yeah, just like the one in the poem.",phoebe,well not exactly like the one in the poem.
monica,what do you mean?,phoebe,remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? oh.
rachel,no.,phoebe,"tell him, tell him."
rachel,"all right, all right, all right. last night, i had a dream that, uh, you and i, were...",phoebe,doing it on this table.
rachel,get off.,phoebe,"uh, uh, gimme. can you see me operating a drill press?"
ross,"pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?",phoebe,"just for some short-term-work. you know, until i get back some of my massage clients."
chandler,pirates again?,phoebe,"no, nothing like that. i was just...such a dummie. i taught this massage-yourself-at-home-workshop. and they are."
chandler,"thanks joey, thats a good idea.",phoebe,"what... i could, i could do it. what is it?"
chandler,"well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. she is having one of her boobs redused.  its a whole big boob story.",phoebe,i could be a secretary.
chandler,"well, you know phoebs. i dont know if its your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. for a large portion of the day.",phoebe,i could do that.
monica,"oh, i cant pass for 22?",phoebe,"well, maybe 25-26."
monica,i am 26.,phoebe,there you go.
chandler,can you hear that?,phoebe,yeah?
chandler,see thatll stop when you pick up the phone.,phoebe,"oh. uh, im on."
chandler,im not in a meeting. im right... whoops.,phoebe,"will he know what this is in reference to?  and he has your number?  all right, ill see that he gets the message. bye bye."
chandler,what?,phoebe,ross says hi.
chandler,ah!,phoebe,"this is so fun. all right, what do we do now?"
chandler,"well, now, i actually have to get to work.",phoebe,"most likely.  okay, im gonna be out there."
chandler,okay.,phoebe,all right. bye bye.
chandler,yes?,phoebe,whatcha doin?
joey,"hey, hey. how was the first day?",phoebe,"oh, exellent. everyone was so, so nice."
chandler,"see, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes.  me.",phoebe,"no, i didnt tell anybody that i knew you."
chandler,why not?,phoebe,"oh, because, you know... they dont like you."
chandler,what?!,phoebe,i thought you knew that.
chandler,noho. who doesnt they like me?,phoebe,everyone. except for uh... no everyone.
chandler,what are you talking about?,phoebe,"dont feel bad. you know they used to like you a lot. but then you got promoted, and, you know, now youre like mr. boss man. you know, mr. bing. mr. bing, boss man bing."
chandler,i cant belive it.,phoebe,"yeah, yeah. they even do you."
chandler,they do me?,phoebe,you know like... uh okay... uh... could that report be any later?
rachel,there were times when it wasnt even me.,phoebe,"that is so sweet, you guys."
chandler,tyrannosaurus!,phoebe,"ooh, oh, ive gotta go.  whoa, oh, head rush. one more, and then i have to go.  cool!"
rachel,where are you going?,phoebe,"um, oh, ive got a birthday party, with some work people."
chandler,work people? nobody told me.,phoebe,"no, i know. thats a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza."
chandler,"you know, i dont get this. a month ago, these people were my friends. you know, just because im in charge doesnt mean im a different person.",phoebe,"well, then you should come tonight. you know, just hang out with them. let them see what a great guy you still are."
chandler,you think i should?,phoebe,"i really do, yeah."
chandler,okay.,phoebe,okay.
chandler,okay.,phoebe,"oh, but, could we not go together? i,i dont wanna be the geek that invited the boss."
chandler,"i think last night was great. you know, the karaoke thing. tracy and i doing ebony and ivory.",phoebe,you were great. but they still made fun of you.
chandler,what?,phoebe,"you know, now youre more like, you know like, mr. caring boss, mr., you know, im one of you, boss, mr., i wanna be your buddy, boss man bing!"
chandler,"then, i dont get it.",phoebe,"well, you know what chandler? i think youve gotta face it. youre like, the guy in the big office, you know. youre the one that hires them, that fires them... they still say youre a great boss."
chandler,they do?,phoebe,uh huh. but theyre not your friends anymore.
chandler,i just want to...,phoebe,"no, but you cant."
chandler,but i just wa...,phoebe,uh uh.
chandler,"you have to give em something, you know. okay, now that was gerston, santos, and whos the guy with the moustache?",phoebe,petrie.
joey,"yes, but in drake remoray’s body.  why is this so hard for you to get? i thought you were a scientist!",phoebe,"rach, so, that guy there. straight or gay?"
rachel,"well, id have to say gay.",phoebe,yeah? why?
rachel,well mainly because hes kissing that other guy.,phoebe,oh no not that guy there. that guy right there.
rachel,oh yeah hes too cute to be straight.,phoebe,ohh knockers will help us figure it out.
rachel,"all right, straight, and not subtle.",phoebe,"ohh, he left his cell phone."
rachel,"oh, well, we can hand it to gunther and hell put it in lost and found.",phoebe,or we could use it to call china. see how those guys are doing.
rachel,"what if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and i answer and we start talking and we fell in love. i mean wouldnt that be a great story? kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.",phoebe,yeah… that does sound great. im going to get the phone.
rachel,what? wait! why…why do you get the story?,phoebe,i dont know. i havent been out on a date in so long.
rachel,"phoebe, you had a date three days ago.",phoebe,"that wasn’t a date! that was, that was just friends getting together… having sex."
rachel,"okay. okay, see? i get the phone.",phoebe,no way! no way! you just broke with tag a week ago.
rachel,"yeah!  and until now, i didn’t think i’d love again.",phoebe,nice try.
rachel,oh hey-hey wait! how do we fairly decide who gets the phone?,phoebe,i don’t know.
rachel,"well umm, maybe we could uhh…  ah-ha! too slow!!",phoebe,ah-ha! too cocky!
rachel,"no phoebe! you cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! okay look, i have an idea. why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. and then whoever does gets the phone.",phoebe,"or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone."
rachel,i don’t think so.,phoebe,"fine all right, but i’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet."
rachel,"all right, first name on the speed dial is mom.",phoebe,"ohh, i lost my mom to suicide."
rachel,"okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.",phoebe,did i use that already today? i’m sorry.
rachel,yes okay.  well now see this isn’t telling us anything.  joe. carlos. peter. ooh! peter luger! t hat’s a steak house!,phoebe,"okay, a meat eater. fine, that’s one for you."
rachel,"oh, i win! he’s got barney’s on his speed dial.",phoebe,"so you don’t know that’s barney’s the store! that can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. who has barney’s the store on their speed dial?"
rachel,hi pheebs!,phoebe,hi!
rachel,how are ya?,phoebe,good.
rachel,"umm pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that i was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone?",phoebe,yeah.
rachel,and remember how i said i was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang i could just pick it up?,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,and do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!,phoebe,"ooh, now you lost me."
rachel,you stole the phone!,phoebe,no i didn’t!
rachel,"no? so you’re saying that if i called it, it wouldn’t ring?",phoebe,no.
rachel,phoebe!,phoebe,that is a different phone.
rachel,"oh is it?!  uhh, hello?  yes hi, is rachel there?  yes she is, just one moment please.  it’s for me!",phoebe,that is damning evidence.
rachel,oh my god! i bet that’s him. my digital fairy tale is about to begin. i wonder how i should be? should i be uh  hello? or should i be  hi! it’s rach…  would you stop doing that?!,phoebe,"hello?  yes, i’m the one who found your phone."
rachel,phoebe! you can’t do th…,phoebe,"shhh! i’m on a call!  umm well yeah, you can"
rachel,you do know that i will be here when he comes over.,phoebe,oh? and how will you know what time to come over?
rachel,you just said it!,phoebe,"oh. okay, well i-i was kinda hoping that i would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her suicide."
rachel,oh phoebe!,phoebe,what?! that’s the first time today!
guy,"hi! it’s tom, i’m here to pick up the phone.",phoebe,whoa! why do you get to answer the door?
rachel,well why shouldn’t i?!,phoebe,because it’s my apartment!
rachel,"well, then i get to give him the cell phone.",phoebe,okay. all right.  good luck explaining all the calls to china.
tom,hi!,phoebe,wow! how long were we arguing for?
tom,"umm, no.",phoebe,"could you-could you umm, give us one second?"
tom,sure.,phoebe,wh-what do we do?
rachel,i don’t know!,phoebe,can you believe this?  we were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
rachel,i know!  what?!,phoebe,"hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore!"
rachel,"no-no they do but, you just have to wait.",phoebe,"rachel, listen—i mean, if you let me have him then i will really owe you one."
rachel,"all right. all right phoebe i will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!",phoebe,yeah! you’re such a great friend!
tom,"so, which one of you lovely ladies am i going to take to dinner huh?",phoebe,oh that’d be me. sir.  after you.
tom,okay. okay.,phoebe,nice!
ross,you know the song! sing along!,phoebe,eeee!!! eee!! eee!! (monica  and chandler  are laughing. that then causes lisa and jennifer come out of character and start laughing hysterically. and that finally causes david schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. matthew decides to sing along now as well.)
monica,"he took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.",phoebe,"why don’t you go up there and ask him to ‘step lightly, please?’"
monica,"i have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that i go up there to yell and then i end up apologizing to him.",phoebe,"ooh, that is silly.  i’ll go up there, i’ll tell him to keep it down."
all,"oh, i got it.",phoebe,"yeah, look i was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and i am sick and tired... ."
guy,"whoa, you are very beautiful.",phoebe,"oh, thank you."
monica,hey gunther. hi.  i mean you’re going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?,phoebe,"well, he’s very charming."
monica,"i know, he’s too charming, but if you two start going out, then it’s just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.",phoebe,"well, you’re just gonna have to try."
chandler,hi joey’s sisters!,phoebe,hey!
cookie,hey. what are we drinkin’ over here.,phoebe,"well, i have ah, vodka and cranberry juice."
cookie,"no kiddin,’ that’s the exact same drink i made myself right after i shot my husband.",phoebe,"wow. okay, i don’t know how to talk to you."
chandler,"well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because i drank it.",phoebe,where’d you get too? we lost you after you opened up all the presents.
chandler,"ow, no ‘woo-hooing,’ no ‘woo-hooing.’",phoebe,"why, what happened?"
chandler,okay! you don’t think i thought of that?,phoebe,how can you not know which one?
chandler,"you see you can’t tell which one is which either, dwha!!",phoebe,we didn’t fool around with any of them. dwha! dwha!
monica,"so ah, phoebe, how was your date?",phoebe,oh well yknow.
monica,"yeah, i do know.",phoebe,"ick, you were eavesdropping."
rachel,"eavesdropping. pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.",phoebe,"oh, i’m sorry. but i really like this guy. and i think he really happens to like me."
ross,"ah, we’ll all go.  come on.",phoebe,thanks you guys! thank you.
chandler,don’t worry.,phoebe,"god, i hope they kick his ass!"
monica,joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show!,phoebe,great!
monica,"oh, i cant. were throwing phoebe a bachelorette party.",phoebe,"yeah, sorry boys, this rides closing."
joey,yeah! but that is not what theyre looking for.  oooh!,phoebe,thank you so much for this.
rachel,"oh, dyou like it?",phoebe,"oh my god, its all so elegant! whens the dirty stuff starting?"
rachel,what?,phoebe,"you know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pees flying about."
rachel,"pheebs, i... there isnt gonna be any flying about! we actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.",phoebe,"oh, ok. i see what youre doing, thats fine. this is all there is, just tea, uh, ok.  hmmmm... raunchy!"
rachel,"seriously pheebs, its not gonna be that kind of a party.",phoebe,"really? so this is... this is my big send off in the married life? rachel this is the only bachelorette party im ever gonna have! ive got a big wad of ones in my purse! really? i mean, really? its just tea?"
rachel,uh! the police!,phoebe,oh!
roy,so wheres the young lady who im supposed to take  downtown!,phoebe,"oh, god!"
roy,"all right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and well get this party started!  whaaaa...  here? all right.",phoebe,rachel?
rachel,yeah?,phoebe,are you kidding?
rachel,"all right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find!",phoebe,how old is your phonebook?
monica,"oh my god, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment!",phoebe,"oh god no, i dont wanna see him take his clothes off!"
roy,"whoa, whoa, whoa . she cringed!",phoebe,this is how i look when im turned on!
roy,"you were talking about me before! look, i dont need this! im outta here! wheres my hat?  look, ive been in this business for a long time!",phoebe,shocking!
roy,"now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, ill be on my way!",phoebe,"three hundred dollars, are you kidding?"
rachel,"no, thats ok, lets me just get my check book!",phoebe,"no, youre not gonna pay him, he didnt do anything!"
roy,didnt do anything? i took a bus all the way from hoboken. i climbed ... i dunno... like a billion stairs... its not like i can take them two at a time!,phoebe,i dont care. were not paying you 300 dollars for this.
roy,"well, look - its not my fault if youre too uptight to appreciate the male form in all its glory.",phoebe,"oh yeah, okay. im uptight. yeah, thats why i dont want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what i can only assume is a child halloween costume!"
roy,"i may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, whats underneath ... is all man.",phoebe,"im sorry, did you say all man or old man?"
roy,whats the matter? you never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before?,phoebe,"you know, its fine. well pay you."
rachel,so maybe something in an office.,phoebe,"or you could teach stripping. you know, share your gift, pass the torch."
roy,"you know, actually thats not a bad idea. i can do it out of my apartment. i dont think my mom would mind.",phoebe,"there you go. okay, do you think youre gonna be okay?"
roy,"yeah, yeah, yeah... this is so weird. i mean, you never know when its gonna be your last dance. and i didnt even get a chance to finish it.",phoebe,finish it!
roy,what?,phoebe,your last dance. do it for us.
rachel,really?,phoebe,"yeah, yeah. he deserves to do the thing he loves one last time."
roy,"okay, all right... get ready ladies!",phoebe,oh this is so ho-o-ot!
ross,"okay.  you uh, you wanna hear something weird?",phoebe,always.
ross,i didn’t get the annulment.,phoebe,what?!
rachel,oh? yeah! sure!,phoebe,"wait! wait! hi! listen, ross can i just talk to you for just a second?"
rachel,"oh but phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie.",phoebe,"oh, there’s a cab! taxi!! good timing, my god, huh? here you go."
rachel,"yeah, we’re, we’re actually just gonna walk ‘cause it’s right up there at the angelica.",phoebe,"oh, the angelica!! go! go!   you didn’t get the annulment?!!"
ross,i know.,phoebe,ross?!
ross,"well, i tried! but when i got to my lawyer’s office all i could hear was, three divorces. three divorces! look, i just don’t want my tombstone to read, ross gellar, three divorces.",phoebe,"don’t be worried about that! your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! it could say, ross geller, good at marriage! y’know? mine’s gonna say phoebe buffay, buried alive."
ross,"look, all i know is i-i can’t have another failed marriage!",phoebe,"so okay what? you’re gonna be married to a girl who doesn’t even know about it?!—op, woman! sorry."
ross,"well, okay so, i don’t have it all worked out quite yet. just don’t say anything to rachel, please?",phoebe,"rachel is one of my closest friends.  although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. okay!"
rachel,"okay, stop-stop! phoebe?!",phoebe,hey rach!
rachel,what was that?!,phoebe,"sorry, mix up. hey, how was the movie?"
rachel,i haven’t seen it yet!,phoebe,well then you’d better hurry! the angelica! go! go!
monica,hey pheebs!,phoebe,hey!
monica,"hey, have you seen rachel?",phoebe,"no, why?"
monica,i have some pretty exciting news!,phoebe,you’re pregnant!
monica,no! chandler and i are moving in together!,phoebe,"ooh! that’s good! wow! but now if you were pregnant, what would you"
ross,"oh my god. ohh, my little sister and my best friend…shaking up. oh, that’s great. that’s great.",phoebe,"guys, i’m happy too."
monica,"okay, come here!",phoebe,"wow! big day huh? people moving in, people getting annulled…"
ross,bye.,phoebe,"hmm, something bad to tell rachel… bad news for rachel, what could that be?!"
ross,"could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? all right? my life is an embarrassment! i should go live under somebody’s stairs!",phoebe,"ross, it’s not that big a deal! so you’ll been divorced three times, you’ll still have a life, you’ll go on dates…"
ross,"no! no, i won’t! i’ll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. the only guys below me will be four divorce guy uh, murderer guy, and-and, geologists.",phoebe,"ross, you’re being ridiculous! okay? you are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!"
ross,oh yeah? have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?,phoebe,"y’know that’s really fair. y’know? most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. ross, nobody cares about this except you! this-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! here, i’ll show you! come here."
ross,what?! why?,phoebe,"hi! hi! listen, my friend ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn’t you date him?"
ross,"…once you know the stories, it’s not that bad. first marriage, wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. third marriage, well they really shouldn’t allow you to get married when you’re that drunk and have writing all over your face, nevada’s fault.",phoebe,"okay, so what do you think ladies? who wouldn’t be interested? who wouldn’t want to date him?"
stephanie,"well the divorces don’t bother me, i’d date him. but, not while he’s still married.",phoebe,"okay, what about you?  wouldn’t you want a date?"
karin,"actually, i’m dating at all anymore. see, i figured out that i was only dating guys that were like y’know bad for me, so until i work that out…",phoebe,whatever! what about you meg?
ross,what?!,phoebe,"she said, he’s obviously still in love with this rachel girl."
ross,"this is crazy! i mean, yes-yes rachel is my good friend and i-i have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! phoebe, will you-will you help me out here?",phoebe,"well, i thought you loved her when you-when you married her."
ross,"we were drunk! i would’ve married uh, joey with that amount of alcohol!",phoebe,hey! you could do a lot worse than joey tribbiani!!
ross,"look, i’m sorry, but you guys are wrong. i just don’t want to be divorced three times.",phoebe,"yes, and now he’s using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. i must say, well done! bravo meg."
monica,i know!,phoebe,"okay, bye!"
ross,oh no.,phoebe,so? did you get the annulment?
ross,i couldn’t.,phoebe,i knew it! because you love rachel.
ross,it’s not that. okay? annulments are more complicated than i…,phoebe,"yeah, complicated ‘cause of the love."
ross,"i… i do, i do not love rachel. i’m gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. okay? would i do that if i loved her?",phoebe,i’ve never been more convinced of your love for her.
joey,"so, ross and rachel got married, monica and chandler almost got married, do you think you and i should hook up?",phoebe,"oh we do, but not just yet."
joey,"really?! well, when?",phoebe,"okay umm, well, first chandler and monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. yeah. but it won’t work out."
joey,wow.,phoebe,"i know. then, i’m gonna marry chandler for the money and you’ll marry rachel and have the beautiful kids."
joey,great!,phoebe,but then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. we’ll have chandler’s money and rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of rachel’s drinking problem.
joey,"oh-oh, what about ross?",phoebe,"i don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and i kill him."
monica,you’re kidding!,phoebe,oh my god!!
ross,"rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny.  okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it.",phoebe,"okay, this is inexcusable. i am shocked to my very core!"
ross,"phoebe, i told her you already knew.",phoebe,another lie. you have a sickness!
joey,great! thanks.,phoebe,"oh, good, good, you guys are here! listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!"
chandler,"yeah, all right.",phoebe,"okay, well i’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re frank and alice’s triplets. okay, see ya!"
chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa! what?,phoebe,please! please! please! please! oh please! please! please! frank and alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and i’m nervous ‘cause i’ve never done that before by myself!
rachel,"so, i still have boxes here. i still have boxes at ross’s, and i have nowhere to live! wow. i could so easily freak out right now.",phoebe,"what about me? i just found out that denise is leaving town for a while, i don’t have a roommate."
rachel,"well, maybe-maybe i could be your roommate pheebs.",phoebe,maybe you could be my roommate!
rachel,well there’s an idea!!,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,"that would be great! wait, how long is denise gone for?",phoebe,"umm, she said she’d be back december 26th."
monica,"pheebs, how’s it going?",phoebe,i’m doing okay. i think it’s going well. do you think they’re having fun? am i talking to fast?
chandler,"little baby girl chandler, where i have heard that before? oh right, coach ruben.  do you know what pheebs? when you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too.",phoebe,"na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies."
chandler,"i just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. and y’know mon, you can be in charge of diapering and i can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around…",phoebe,"that sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping."
monica,this is so great! this is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.,phoebe,yeah?  well this is not what i ordered.
chandler,hey!,phoebe,hey!
joey,"yeah, so did i.",phoebe,i don’t know why i was so nervous about this. and i don’t know why frank and alice are always complaining. this is so easy.
chandler,he can do more than that! he can destroy the universe!,phoebe,"no chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! and also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up."
chandler,"they’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. when i was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!",phoebe,what?!
chandler,"glass, sand, whatever.",phoebe,"oh, look at little leslie stretching in her sleep."
monica,oh it’s so cute. i wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.,phoebe,"oh, i can still do that."
chandler,i swallowed the sonic blaster gun.,phoebe,how did that happen?!!
chandler,that is true.,phoebe,"yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun."
monica,"all right, that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room.",phoebe,"what?! no, you can’t, you can’t leave me here with them! we’re baby-sitting!"
monica,"the babies are asleep, i’m sure you’ll be okay on your own for a while!",phoebe,but you-you can’t leave me with them! we-we’re a team! we’re playing a zone! they’re gonna triple team me!
monica,"he’s got something plastic lodged in his throat, we’ve got to go to the hospital.",phoebe,"but no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years."
chandler,i think that’s gum.,phoebe,i’m pretty sure it’s gun.
chandler,"okay, listen this really hurts. let’s go.",phoebe,"a real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital!  no! what would, what would krog do?"
joey,hey! it’s porsche!!,phoebe,"me taking care of you is no problem, huh? you guys feel safe. right? okay, i’m gonna take that spit bubble as, yeah, i do! okay, after i get rid of this dirty diaper leslie, i’ll set you up with a clean one.  okay, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to scare you. i just have to clean that up. okay? ‘cause let’s face it, we’re at monica’s.  i broke it. all right. well, that’s just the way that goes.  okay, good.  why are there only two of you? where is leslie? well, you can’t answer.  leslie? where are you leslie? leslie, now would be a good time for your first words!  well, look at you! hey! you are a little bit mischievous! my gosh!  oh, you’re a lot mischievous! well, it’ll dry.   okay, you sit with your brother and sister now—who aren’t there!"
chandler,hey!,phoebe,how do you feel?
chandler,"well, let’s just say that krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.",phoebe,"okay, so i totally took care of the babies all by myself! i fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed."
monica,oh my god.,phoebe,"i know, the babies are asleep."
monica,"phoebe, what, what happened here?!",phoebe,i did it! i took care of the babies all by myself!
rachel,hi!,phoebe,hey!
all,what?,phoebe,hey!
rachel,its not?  when was she born?,phoebe,"well, personally i think its great youre giving yourself a break."
monica,"thank you, pheebs!",phoebe,"sure. its just as well... i mean, last year wasnt very good. i think shes losing her touch."
monica,"what? you are way off, lady!",phoebe,"am i? really? am i? well, why dont you cook thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! well, think about it, think about it, youll be trying to top than you did last year. youd be in competition... with yourself."
chandler,we are supposed to make these decisions together! did you not watch the doctor phil i taped for you?,phoebe,hey!
rachel,hi! happy thanksgiving!,phoebe,"oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day."
monica,"you guys, i ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on bleecker. could you pick them up for me?",phoebe,youre not making the pies yourself?
monica,"this dinner is gonna be so great! in your face, last year me!",phoebe,hey rach.
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,whats emma doing today?
rachel,"well, lets see... uh... i know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. why?",phoebe,"well, i wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant."
rachel,oh my god! thats the creepiest thing ive ever heard!,phoebe,"okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend susanne is entering her kid and compared to emma shes a real dog!"
rachel,"oh! phoebe, all babies are beautiful!",phoebe,oh... okay.
rachel,"...is something im very interested in! oh please, do not tell ross. he still believes that  whats in the inside is important...",phoebe,"okay, oh, and emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition."
rachel,where am i gonna get a cowgirl outfit on thanksgiving?,phoebe,"well, i was thinking..."
rachel,"oh, take the clothes of joeys cabbage patch kid.",phoebe,yeah!
host,"this is contestant number sixteen, rebecca...",phoebe,hey.
rachel,"oh phoebe, listen. well, i think we gotta go. this place is really freaking me out. ive been watching this guy over there, i dont think he came with a kid!",phoebe,"we cant leave now! there was this one baby, haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! this competition just blew wide open, folks!"
rachel,"phoebe, i think... its just too weird, i just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on!",phoebe,"oh, i know, we should have been more prepared.  its okay. now, the way i see it, our real competition now is cameron. oh my god, they just took her sweater off. look at those arms! hello michelin man."
rachel,"oh, phoebe! come on! you know what, its already three oclock and they havent even gotten to emmas group yet. we gotta go, we got dinner!",phoebe,"but emmas got what it takes, she could go all the way!"
rachel,"phoebe, you have to calm down.",phoebe,"okay. rachel, the hottest babies in the tri-state area are in this room right now! i overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to emma!"
rachel,really?,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,you heard them say that?,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,"all right, okay. alright, lets give to these babies something to cry about!",phoebe,good! oh yay! lets get down to business! emma needs some makeup!
rachel,"no, what?",phoebe,"well, shes gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants!"
rachel,"no phoebe, i am not letting you put makeup on my baby!",phoebe,why not!
ross,hey!,phoebe,oh!
rachel,no...,phoebe,"no, were late!"
joey,we figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time,phoebe,"dont point that thing at me, tribbiani!"
ross,"yeah, yeah, whats with the trophy!",phoebe,"uh, we were at the spelling bee!"
ross,you entered emma into a beauty pageant?,phoebe,and it looks like she put makeup on her!
joey,oh! thats alicia mae emorys outfit!,phoebe,"you guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier!"
joey,"all right. hey rach, while youre in there, throw something on alicia mae.",phoebe,"alright, what are we gonna say?"
ross,"ooh, well say that we were mugged! you cant get mad at someone whos been mugged!",phoebe,"oh, good, thats good, but you dont look like you were mugged!"
ross,i got mugged. and they stole my pocket.,phoebe,"were just... were trying to figure out an excuse. hey! ooh! how about this: we can say that monica told us 5 oclock, not 4 oclock. that way were right on time!  or... or, we can plant pcp in the apartment and call the cops on her."
ross,"well, lets just go in there and face them.",phoebe,"well, im not going in first. i bet that vein on monicas forehead is popping like crazy."
joey,thats fire. beats everything.,phoebe,"oh, really? does it beat water balloon? ."
all,"alright, okay.",phoebe,its locked.
joey,water balloon!,phoebe,what are we gonna do? im starving.
rachel,"oh, i just remembered. we do have something to eat. monica put something in our oven this morning.",phoebe,oh yeah!
rachel,"oh, i know... i still have my old key!  we can just unlock the door.",phoebe,"well, i dont know if thats such a good idea. they clearly dont want to be with us."
rachel,so bad. ross : so bad.,phoebe,so bad.
monica,"yeah, i asked you and phoebe to pick up the pies. you did remember, right?",phoebe,"pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize . here! ."
joey,sorry!,phoebe,"come on you guys, lets just do our own thanksgiving."
joey,no seriously... im really wedged in here.,phoebe,ill pull you through.
ross,im finding it really hard not to mess with him.,phoebe,ive already stuffed a bunch of brussel sprouts down his pants.
chandler,"okay, look, im gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? okay, so push!",phoebe,"just a sec., were kind in the middle of something here."
ross,im just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid.,phoebe,i know. have you considered pageanting?
mike,im gonna go.,phoebe,why??
mike,i havent been home in a couple of days and i need to get some more clothes.,phoebe,"oh...you dont have to go, i have something that will fit you."
mike,i put that tube top on as a joke.,phoebe,i want you to stay.
mike,i want to stay too but ive gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as i can..,phoebe,why dont you turn them inside ou...
mike,done it.  ill be back in a couple of hours.,phoebe,ill miss you.
mike,me too.  you know what? i just realised something. i dont wanna go home.,phoebe,great! ok...ill go get the tube top.
mike,"no, no! what i mean is, i hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because i live above a known crack den but... mostly because when im there, its just, i really miss you. so.. do you want to move in together?",phoebe,"wow, mike hannigan...you sure know how to make a girl say hell yeah!"
mike,so were doing it?,phoebe,"yeah! lets do it! lets live together!  oh god, were really going to move in together!"
mike,yeah!,phoebe,ive always wanted to live with a guy. pick up your socks! put down the toilet seat! no! were not having sex anymore! its gonna be fun!
rachel,there is a hardware store right down the street?,phoebe,"hey you guys! ok, weve got great news."
"monica, chandler, ross",congratulations!/good for you!/great!,phoebe,i know its so exciting! you know ive never lived with a guy before.
mike,im gonna go to the bathroom.,phoebe,"okay, well you put down the toilet seat."
monica,is that a bit you guys do?,phoebe,uh huh...were playing you two.
monica,i hear wedding bells.,phoebe,"monica slow down! ok? im just excited to be living with him. you know i mean, i dont know, can i see someday being married to mike? sure! yeah. yknow..i can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. but do i want that house in connecticut...you know..near the good schools where mike and i can send sophie and mike junior.. oh my god i do."
ross,"phoebe, i had no idea you were so conventional.",phoebe,i know! i guess i am! oh my god! load up the volvo i want to be a soccer mom!
mike,you ready to go?,phoebe,yeah! you bet roomy!
mike,what are you talking about?,phoebe,"oh please, these guys, we havent even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns."
mike,"well hey, i wanna ask you about monicas little groomy joke.",phoebe,oh! alright. well i think the reason people laugh is becuase its a play on the word roomy.
mike,"i get the joke. sophisticated as it was. now the thing i wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. us living together, youre not expecting a proposal, right?",phoebe,oh no! no no! not at all. were just moving in right now. see where it goes.
mike,"yeah well, thats the thing. for me its as far as it can ever go.",phoebe,what do you mean?
mike,"look. phoebe, i-i love you. very much. but i never want to get married again.",phoebe,oh. wow.
mike,"its just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. i kind of lost faith in the whole idea.",phoebe,was it really that bad?
mike,at one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....,phoebe,"ok, well thats bad. but dont you think it might be different with someone else? perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. except for once in the ocean."
mike,look its not about who i would marry. and i was certain the first time i got married it would last forever. and i was totally wrong!,phoebe,but its just...
mike,"look phoebe, its not about you. i just never wanna get married again.",phoebe,oh!
mike,im sorry. are you ok with that? cause if not...maybe us moving in together isnt the best idea.,phoebe,no! i definitely dont wanna get married. no i just wanted to make sure you didnt want to too. whew! coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind theres gonna be hell to pay mister!
mike,"trust me, i will never...",phoebe,yeah i get that.
rachel,"yeah! if you dont i will! of course your bodys gonna change. your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, youre gonna lose bladder control.  god! its just such a magical time!",phoebe,hi
ross,hey!,phoebe,"listen, i wanted to ask you something about marriage."
ross,oh great now youre seeking me out to make jokes? i mean i can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!,phoebe,no...i really wanted to know how you feel about it.
ross,why?,phoebe,mike doesnt ever wanna get married.
ross,never?,phoebe,never.
ross,"wow, are you still going to move in with him?",phoebe,"i want to, but i just want you to tell me that marriage isnt really that big a deal. you know that i wont, i wont be missing out on anything. that marriage stinks!"
ross,"yeah, marriage... stinks! i mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? get them married.",phoebe,thats not how you really feel is it?
ross,"no, im sorry. look i dont think thats what you wanna hear right now but i cant help it. i love marriage.",phoebe,seriously? you divorce-o?
ross,"if you have to call me name, i prefer ross the divorcer. its just cooler. look, i know my marriage isnt exactly work out. but i love to be that committed to another person. and carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. im sorry.",phoebe,its ok thats how you feel.
ross,but come on! i mean living together will be great! i mean you guys have so much fun and you love mike.,phoebe,i do love mike.
ross,"yeah see? and you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? you should be. its a big deal!",phoebe,yeah i guess youre right. yeah thanks. this helped. thanks.
ross,"the divorcer, to the rescue!",phoebe,its not cooler.
ross,hey! what do you guys think about this. ross: the divorce-force.,phoebe,better.
ross,"hey pheebs, you know im im really glad you came to talk to me the other day and i hope i was a little helpful.",phoebe,"oh yeah you were helpful! yeah, no, thanks you."
ross,"good, good. yeah coz the more i thought about it, the more i realised i dont think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you.",phoebe,what do you mean?
ross,"well, i know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? i mean can you honestly picture yourself in a volvo?",phoebe,they are awfully boxy...
ross,i dont know youd be so bored with marriage. i mean its so... normal.,phoebe,uh huh.
rachel,"yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy.  i mean not for me because im only pretending to hold this, but for these guys.",phoebe,just one last time erm... the marriage thing... theres no wiggle room? none at all?
mike,no but... you dont want to get married either right?,phoebe,right. except that i do want to get married.
mike,you wanna get married?,phoebe,someday.
chandler,aaaaand....... hernia.,phoebe,i havent exactly had a normal life and i never really felt i was missing out on anything but it just feels that now its my turn some of the regular stuff.
mike,but if you wanna get married why didnt you say something before?,phoebe,"because i just didnt know how much i wanted it. and i love you, and i wanted to live with you."
mike,i want to live with you too! lets do that!,phoebe,"but i dont think i can! it was ok to move in when i didnt know what was gonna happen, but i cant move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen."
mike,can we at least try living together? i mean you might change your mind about marriage.,phoebe,are you gonna change yours?
mike,no.,phoebe,me neither. i think i need to be with someone who wants what i want.
mike,but i dont want this to end.,phoebe,i dont want it to end either.
mike,i cant believe this is gonna end. i guess ill have my stuff packed up.,phoebe,yeah.
ross,neither will i.,phoebe,"no, no, it’s just my tooth."
ross,"so what’s a matter, you need a dentist? i’ve got a good one.",phoebe,"no thanks, i have a good one too. i just, i, i can’t see him."
ross,why? why can’t you go to him?,phoebe,"because, every time i go to the dentist, somebody dies."
rachel,"phoebe, what? umm...what?!",phoebe,"yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt mary, and then there was umm, john, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend ‘albino bob’."
rachel,and all these people actually died?,phoebe,"yes, while i was in the chair! that’s why i take such good care of my teeth now, yknow, it’s not about oral hygiene, i floss to save lives!"
ross,"pheebs, come on, you didn’t kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. it’s, it’s, it’s just ah, a coincidence.",phoebe,"well tell that to them. oh! you can’t, their dead."
gunther,"oh, like you don’t already have everything.",phoebe,ow! ow!
rachel,"phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.",phoebe,"all right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the tv set."
rachel,i promise.,phoebe,"although, don’t feel like you can’t visit."
joey,"it’ll kill him. i mean it’ll, it’ll just kill him.",phoebe,"well, you could wait ‘til i go to the dentist, maybe i’ll kill him."
joey,ewww! ugly naked guy is using his new hammock. it’s like a play-doo fat factory.,phoebe,"well, i’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... all right, just look out! okay, and um, i also just wanna, i just wanna tell you all that um......"
monica,"besides, it takes the focus off the hat.",phoebe,no! oh! you’re alive! you’re alive!
rachel,"see pheebs, i promised you no one would die, didn’t i?",phoebe,"yeah, well, we’ll see about that. can i use your phone? i just wanna call everyone i know."
monica,"sure, we have no money, go ahead.",phoebe,"‘hey! you’re not dead! okay, see ya!’"
janice,i don’t know.,phoebe,okay. if you’re alive you answer your phone!
monica,"oh that’s right, that’s what i’d sound like if i exploded.",phoebe,"woo-hoo! the curse is broken! i called everybody i know, and everyone is alive."
joey,uh.,phoebe,what?
joey,ugly naked guy looks awfully still.,phoebe,"oh my god! i killed him! i killed another one! and this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big."
ross,"can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the balance!",phoebe,i’m telling you he’s dead. what we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.
joey,"all right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke.  steady. steady. okay, a little higher. careful of the angle. okay, okay, we’re approaching the window  thread the needle. thread the needle.",phoebe,he’s alive! he’s a-live!!!
chandler,i’ll hold you close in my arms.  i can’t resist your charms. and love....,phoebe,love....
chandler,i know.,phoebe,i know.
chandler,i’ve found.,phoebe,i’ve found....
chandler,"yeah ross, i mean... were excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time were gonna wanna do, you know, islands stuff.",phoebe,i think david would probably wanna hear a few lectures.
ross,"oh, right, because hes a scientist!",phoebe,"no, no, because, you know, hes been in minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, hell die."
monica,"alright, im gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.",phoebe,"oh, i should go, too. oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should mike and i just meet you there."
david,mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend!,phoebe,"thats right! oh, yeah... well, ive totally forgotten about im! ah! thats-thats... a blast from the past!"
david,its ok. ho-honest mistake.,phoebe,"really, it doesnt mean anything. i mean, you know, monica refers to chandler as richard all the time!"
monica,at least you took me down with you!,phoebe,"im sooo sorry!! i just... i keep thinking about mike! im crazy about david, and were having so much fun together. why-why do i miss mike? thats-thats gonna go away, right?"
monica,"i guess, in time.",phoebe,yeah.
monica,"i mean, my feelings for richard are certainly gone.",phoebe,"you just did it again. chandler, your feelings for chandler are certainly gone!"
monica,"oh, honey, can you make sure we get a king size bed!",phoebe,"oh! david, get one for us too! oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! and with mirrors on the ceiling!"
rachel,"ooh! you guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known its such a romantic place. thats all, i just wish i could  share that with a guy.",phoebe,not joey.
monica,ok fine. ill handle this.  phoebe?,phoebe,yeah?
monica,i need to talk to you.,phoebe,are you leaving the supremes?
monica,"ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. look, david is going to propose to you tonight.",phoebe,wow? really? thats fantastic!
monica,what are you serious? you wanna marry him? wha... what about mike?,phoebe,"oh, ok, you want me to marry mike? alright, well, lets just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. i can just see it: mike, do you take phoebe...  you know, its every girls dream!"
monica,do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?,phoebe,"sure! look, ok, bottom line: i love mike... david! david. i love david. dont look at me that way, roseanne rosannadanna!"
david,"uh, phoebe, uh...  youre an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. of course the sanitation strikes in minsk didnt help!",phoebe,"sure, ok, yeah."
david,"but well, now that were together again, i dont ever want to be apart. so, to that end...",phoebe,"oh my god, mike!"
david,"its david, actually!",phoebe,"no, mikes here."
mike,hi phoebe.,phoebe,"what are you, what are you doing here?"
david,"phoebe, will you marry me?",phoebe,no!
david,uhm... ha ha!,phoebe,"i love you. but i never needed a proposal from you. i just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future."
david,"ok, im gonna take off.",phoebe,"david, im so sorry, im sorry."
david,"just so i know, if i had asked first...",phoebe,"yeah, i might have said yes, but that would have been wrong."
mike,is it ok if i hug you now?,phoebe,yes!
monica,"i cant believe its raining again! oh, its so unfair!!!",phoebe,"well, on the bright side, now you wont have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off.  not you guys. you got it going on!"
monica,... phoebe...?,phoebe,... and...?
monica,"cmon guys, itll be fun!",phoebe,"all right, all right... ill play if we dont keep score!"
monica,but then how do we know who wins?,phoebe,nobody wins!
chandler,im not playing with you.,phoebe,"yeah, im out."
monica,ok!,phoebe,"mike, you dont know, you dont know what youre doing!"
chandler,did you know this about him?,phoebe,no idea! i though he was soft like you!
chandler,"honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!",phoebe,"monica, you call it."
monica,"heads! no, tails! he-he-heads!",phoebe,tails!
mike,"oh, no! i dont think so! you know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.",phoebe,he was a lawyer!
chandler,do you really find this attractive on him?,phoebe,"oh, yeah!  are you telling me you... youre not even... a little turned on by monica, right now?"
chandler,i think this is the first time in our marriage that ive felt like the more attractive one.,phoebe,"cmon mike, you can beat her! knock that dog off her head!"
monica,"oh, damn it!",phoebe,i sleep with him!
mike,": serve the ball, chump.",phoebe,"ok mike, better come back mike, better come back."
mike,so you forfeit?,phoebe,mike wins?
chandler,because im gonna play for ya.,phoebe,you cant do that!
mike,"oh, thats ok. i dont care which of them i beat.",phoebe,"ok, were taking that paddle home, mister."
monica,oh my god! youre good!,phoebe,its like watching porn!
chandler,"aww, turkey! aww, giving thanks! aww!",phoebe,"look everyone, it’s the spirit of thanksgiving!"
rachel,you shouldn’t.,phoebe,"speaking of christmas, umm since monica and i are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret santa, and then we each only buy one gift. and-and there’s the added mystery of who gets who."
chandler,"hey, by any chance did either of pick uh rachel for your secret santa, ‘cause i wanna trade for her.",phoebe,i picked her! oh thank god you want her! ooh!
chandler,wow! why do you want to get rid of her so badly?,phoebe,"because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it’s like impossible to get her something she likes. come on, let’s trade!"
chandler,"oh that’s not true! that’s not true! i got her that backpack and she loved it! i remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it…  oh, there was no big dog. all right this sucks! i already got her this briefcase, and i had r.g. put on it…  her initials…",phoebe,ohh.
chandler,"hey, what time is it? the big game is about to start!",phoebe,"you don’t have to do that, ross and joey aren’t here, you can watch the parade if you want."
monica,what is wrong with this freezer?!  ow! ow!!,phoebe,"god, what happened?!"
chandler,"monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.",phoebe,"open it up, let me see."
chandler,well maybe you should put some ice on it.,phoebe,"ooh, god it looks bad."
chandler,he’s really picky about his patients.,phoebe,"honey, you’ve got to go. what’s his office number?"
monica,like i remember his office number!  speed dial 7.,phoebe,"hi! yeah, i’m calling on behalf of monica geller’s eye, and is um, is richard burke in today.   he’s out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?"
monica,yes!!,phoebe,yes! she’s very excited about that.
ross,"hey-hey, i thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!",phoebe,"okay, get out of my kitchen!"
chandler,"all right! okay! i think i am making some progress with joey, when i went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once!  i mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.",phoebe,all right i… i gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question.
monica,"hey, come on, phoebe, you understand don’t you?",phoebe,"yeah, i can see where i’d be your best shot but, no. i’m sorry, but i think it’s twisted."
monica,see he’s nice. right?,phoebe,"yeah, but monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, that’s not how your dad used to do it."
rachel,sick-sick-sick-sick.,phoebe,"oh, i’ll get it."
kathy,chandler?,phoebe,"oh, he-he can’t talk right now."
kathy,why not? what’s going on?,phoebe,he’s just trying to show joey how much he means to him.
rachel,"joey, had reasons.",phoebe,they were threefold.
monica,"oh, he’s catching up to her!",phoebe,"oh, she sees him! oh, they’re hugging!"
joey,"uhh, that’s not them. i’m gonna go call the police.",phoebe,"oh, there they are!"
chandler,"hey! wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.",phoebe,"ha-ha.  no, it’s just i’m so pregnant that i—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. so i thought ‘til i’m not, i’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. it sounds really cool!"
chandler,all right.,phoebe,"listen. listen.  smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?"
joey,"wow, pheebs! that sounds great!",phoebe,"i know! i know, and i’ve only been playing for like an hour!"
alice,phoebe! phoebe! hi! hi!,phoebe,hey! what are you doing here?
alice,"umm, actually, i came down to ask you a big favour.",phoebe,"oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus."
alice,"don’t get me started.  anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby.",phoebe,wow! that’s so great! oh! oh! cougar.
ross,oh come on! that’s-that’s… true.,phoebe,hi!
chandler,hey! do we have a baby name yet?,phoebe,"ugh! no! this is so hard! i went through this whole book  and found nothing! i want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? like-like exxon."
joey,"ooh-ooh, pheebs, you want a strong name? how about, the hulk?",phoebe,"no, i’m-i’m not sure about hulk, but i like the idea of a name starting with the."
joey,what do ya say? what do ya say?,phoebe,"well, i, i like the idea of naming him after someone i love, and joey and chandler are great names.  but, all right, i don’t—maybe i’ll just name him the hulk."
ross,"turns out them emily is just crazy about susan. yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! they’re going to dinner! they’re going horseback riding!",phoebe,"god, susan is so fun!"
ross,how do you know? i mean we thought carol was straight before i married her!,phoebe,"yeah, i definitely. i don’t like the name ross."
ross,what a weird way to kick me when i’m down.,phoebe,no! no! i-i meant for the baby!
ross,oh. what’s wrong with ross?,phoebe,"well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like the hulk, y’know…"
ross,"actually that-that’s not true, in the incredible hulk uh, no. 72, dr. bruce banner found…  y’know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend’s a lesbian.",phoebe,"so, i decided i’m definitely going to go with either joey or chandler."
joey,"yeah, that guy really hurt us.",phoebe,"well, how about a compromise then, okay? what if it’s like y’know, chanoey?"
chandler,i have no name.,phoebe,"all right, so, what are we supposed to call you?"
chandler,"okay, so what name am i cool enough to pull off?",phoebe,"umm, gene."
joey,"see you later, gene.",phoebe,"bye, gene."
rachel,"oh, yeah. and uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, i jumped up, and my boob popped out.",phoebe,oh my god!
ross,"oh, wake up!",phoebe,"wow, carol really messed you up!"
ross,excuse me?,phoebe,"yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant.  all right, so i don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right."
monica,"oh, sure it does! in high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!",phoebe,"all right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 hit, carol left him and bamn! paranoid city!"
monica,"look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with carol ruin what you got with emily.",phoebe,yeah. the ’92 ross wouldn’t.
rachel,"what—yeah—what, y’know what? i hope emily is a lesbian.",phoebe,drum roll.
chandler,"all right look, am i serious, okay? tomorrow at 3:30 i am going down to the courthouse.",phoebe,you’re actually going through with this?
chandler,"hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why i never do well with women… so, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, i’m either gonna be mark johnson or john markson.",phoebe,"you got problems because of you! not your name! all right, this has got to stop! chandler is a great name! in fact—yes,  i’m, i’m sorry. i know you really wanted me to name the baby joey, but eh, so, i’m-i’m, i’m gonna, i’m gonna name the baby chandler."
chandler,really?!,phoebe,"yeah, but you have to keep the name too!"
chandler,okay. thanks.,phoebe,okay!
chandler,you wanna hug it out?,phoebe,yeah!
chandler,yay!,phoebe,"yay—oh—yay! okay, i gotta go tell frank and alice! right now!"
chandler,okay!,phoebe,"ooh, uh…"
chandler,"bye, pheebs!",phoebe,"okay, bye!"
rachel,oh my god! this is it!   i really hope it’s you!,phoebe,i hope it’s you.
monica,"well umm, i was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. like hypothetically, if phoebe were mine…",phoebe,yes!!! oh!!
rachel,hypothetically!,phoebe,still.
rachel,yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea.,phoebe,"yeah, i’ll do that. so who gets to be yours?"
monica,"well that’s the best part. umm, you guys get to decide!",phoebe,wh-why is that the best part?
woman,"huh, good luck!",phoebe,"aww, and good luck to you too!  what a nice lady!"
joey,what are you talking about? bitch.,phoebe,hey rachel?
rachel,yeah?,phoebe,"umm, when i get married will you be my maid of honor?"
rachel,really?!,phoebe,uh-hmm.
rachel,oh my god phoebe! i mean i’m just—wait a minute. if i’m your maid of honor that means you are monica’s.,phoebe,"oh! well, if that’s what you want…"
rachel,ohh! no way phoebe! i want to be monica’s!,phoebe,but why does it even matter?!
rachel,why does it matter so much to you?!,phoebe,because this one is now! and-and it’s two of our best friends! who knows what you’re gonna marry!
rachel,what-what if i marry ross—or joey?,phoebe,"you wouldn’t! okay look, rachel i know you really want to do this, but i-i’ve never been maid of honor to anyone before! and i know you’ve done it at least twice!"
rachel,yeah but phoebe…,phoebe,"and no, oh please, oh please let me finish.  oh i guess that was it."
rachel,okay. okay. it’s—since you’ve never done it before you can be monica’s made of honor.,phoebe,"oh, thank you so much!  okay."
rachel,i’m gonna marry someone good y’know.,phoebe,oh i know.
rachel,you have been maid of honor before?!!,phoebe,see? this is exactly why you shouldn’t lie!
rachel,all right that’s it! i am maid of honor!,phoebe,"na-uh, i am!"
rachel,how come you are?!,phoebe,because i cared enough to lie!
joey,"hey-hey-hey-hey, i can help you decide who should do it! yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations.",phoebe,what are you talking about?
joey,"like when i want a job, i go to an audition and if i’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part.",phoebe,"okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?"
joey,"oh uh, me and ross can be the judges.",phoebe,"well, it’s better than us deciding."
rachel,"oh, come on! this is crazy! can’t we just flip a coin?!",phoebe,no! coins hate me!
rachel,"okay. okay fine, y’know what? we will let ross and joey decide.   hiiiii, ross! sweetie.",phoebe,"hey there, you handsome thing."
rachel,thank you judges.,phoebe,"ugh, what a kiss ass."
joey,"okay, phoebe…",phoebe,yes! your honor?
ross,"when monica was a little girl, i remember that——ooh!! ow! very good!",phoebe,oh!
rachel,wait a minute! she just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!,phoebe,hey! do you want do you want a little taste of pheebs?!
joey,yeah.,phoebe,"okay, i can’t believe that monica and chandler are getting married. i remember talking about this day with rachel while we were showering together, naked."
joey,"all right, well first of all i would like to say that you both performed very well. okay? you should be proud of yourselves. and-and i would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. well, except for rachel—damnit!",phoebe,really?! i won!
rachel,"no! y’know what? no! no! you thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—we’re gonna flip a coin!  all right?!  heads!",phoebe,the coins have finally forgiven me!
rachel,"well y’know what? i hope monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower!",phoebe,"rach, it’s gonna be okay! you guys are the best!"
rachel,hi pheebs.,phoebe,hi!
rachel,hi! i just want to apologize. i’m really sorry i was a baby.,phoebe,"that’s ridiculous rachel, we were all babies once.  oh, you mean today."
rachel,"yeah. yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. and-and y’know i was thinking about it, if-if you’re monica’s maid of honor that means i get to be yours.",phoebe,oh yeah!
rachel,"yeah! oh, umm when-when monica and chandler got engaged i started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…",phoebe,oh that’s so sweet thanks.
rachel,"here is a book of poetry that i know monica loves. and-and ohh god this is funny, look, this is a picture of one halloween where she dressed up as a bride.  and look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because i was wonder woman. oh and here’s a little purse that i found.  y’know i just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.",phoebe,ohh.
rachel,"and umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings.  i’m just gonna grab a couple of these.",phoebe,this stuff is great!
rachel,"oh, i forgot this was in here. umm, this was the uh garter that i was saving for my wedding and i wanted it to be monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue.  yeah…",phoebe,"y’know rach, i think that, i think you should be monica’s made of honor."
rachel,you do? why?,phoebe,because i think it means more to you.
rachel,"but pheebs, y’know you earned it.",phoebe,"its fine. i mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14?"
rachel,"no, i was ten. i just developed early.",phoebe,man alive!
rachel,hey!,phoebe,"well, we just decided that rachel is gonna be your maid of honor."
ross,"hello! whats this? oh right its that girls phone number.  yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me.  its no big deal, i mean it is her home phone number, but... whoa!  whoa-whoops, i almost lost this baby! yeah, the lovely amanda gives me her number and i-i go and drop it.",phoebe,thank you.
chandler,i tell people secrets. it makes them like me.,phoebe,oh.
monica,"phoebe! youre sick, you shouldnt play. you should just go home, get in bed, and stay there.",phoebe,"but im unemployed, my music is all i really have now. well music, and making my own shoes.  pretty, huh?"
joey,didnt i tell ya? always showin off.,phoebe,"before i start, i just wanna say that umm, i have a cold, so if i sneeze in the middle of song, its not on purpose. oh, except the last verse of pepper people.  smelly cat, smelly cat. what are they feeding you?  this chick sounds good.  smelly cat, smelly-- hey gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey."
kathy,"oh, jeez.",phoebe,"my sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! thanks for the lights honey."
monica,that cold makes you sound so great.,phoebe,"its fun, god i love how sexy i am."
kathy,okay.,phoebe,"well, i think its great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters."
chandler,"no, i dont.",phoebe,"yes, you do. chandler loves kathy."
monica,"ooh, umm, oh kathy! kathy, i love you! oh!",phoebe,"so, i need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me."
monica,"oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14?",phoebe,"uh-huh. oh, yeah, i could write about the time my hair did that woo-hoo thing."
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey.
monica,"hi, josh.",phoebe,hi.
josh,dope!,phoebe,"wow, cute one!"
ross,"well, im gonna go get ready,  for my date tonight, so ah, ill just_ head.",phoebe,"yeah, i should go to, `cause im playing in one hour. hey,  you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. ooh,  my sticky shoes--eww! eww! i lost my sexy phlegm!"
ross,"pheebs, what are you doing?",phoebe,"okay, i wanna be sexy again so im trying to catch a cold. it should be easy, supposedly theyre pretty common."
chandler,okay. you were right. im in love with joeys girlfriend.,phoebe,what?!
ross,are you serious?,phoebe,"well, how-how-how is that possible? you barely know her!"
monica,"oh gosh, phoebe, i think i caught your cold.",phoebe,you mean you stole it!  dont cover your mouth when you do that!
rachel,because hes stealing from me!,phoebe,"hi! its me. and soup.  hey, i just saw josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket."
rachel,ughh!,phoebe,"here, now i dont eat chicken, so its just noodle soup. and theres no chicken in the broth either, so its really just... noodle water."
monica,thank you so much phoebe.,phoebe,sure.
monica,what are you doing with those?!,phoebe,"but, i need your germs! i want my cold back! i miss my sexy voice."
monica,"sorry, phoebe.",phoebe,its okay. hows the soup?
rachel,yknow...,phoebe,"platting goats are platting. platting down the street. platting goats are platting, leaving little treats.  does it even work without my sexy voice?"
gunther,i like it.,phoebe,"gunther, kiss me."
chandler,can i sleep on your couch?,phoebe,and im still waiting for my paper mache man. thank you my babies.
monica,"oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box.",phoebe,"oh my god, they took my idea!"
monica,that was you?!,phoebe,"yeah! okay, here you go."
gunther,"rachel, i made you a cocoa.",phoebe,"oh my god, are you guys okay?"
chandler,"so um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.",phoebe,"umm, oh, about three months."
joey,"it’s cute, huh?",phoebe,"whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?"
chandler,fowl? no. women? nooo.,phoebe,"okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. they require constant care. they-they need just the right food, and lot’s and lot’s of love."
monica,i’m quitting!! woo-hoo!  i’m okay!! i’m all right!!,phoebe,"wow! that’s exciting, you went to japan, made up a woman."
pete,what?,phoebe,"i’m just saying, this woman, i mean she’s fictitious. no?"
pete,why would you say that?,phoebe,"‘cause you’re still into monica. so you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so ‘cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and..."
pete,you’re good. you’re good!,phoebe,"yeah, no, i’m fairly intuitive and psychic. it’s a substantial gift."
pete,"listen, can you promise me that you won’t tell her though?",phoebe,"absolutely, oh i promise. tell her what?"
pete,thanks a lot.,phoebe,"no i’m serious. i mean i’m intuitive, but my memory sucks."
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
monica,"hey, guess what i’m doing tonight.",phoebe,what?
monica,i’m checking out the restaurant with pete.,phoebe,"ohh, monica, i am so excited for you."
monica,i know.,phoebe,"ooh, i have to tell you something."
monica,what?,phoebe,but i can’t tell you.
monica,"okay, but wouldn’t it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me.",phoebe,"well, sure in a perfect world. but, no, i promised i wouldn’t tell, and i swore to like all my gods."
monica,okay. does it have to do with ross and rachel?,phoebe,no.
monica,does it have to do with joey?,phoebe,no.
monica,does it have to do with-with chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed?,phoebe,"no, but let’s come back to that later!"
monica,does it involve travel?,phoebe,noo!
monica,does it involve clogs?,phoebe,"oh, wait, wait. clogs, or claws?"
monica,clogs.,phoebe,no.
monica,claws?!,phoebe,no.
monica,"okay, so it doesn’t involve ross or rachel or chandler or joey. but, what about pete?",phoebe,no!
monica,what is it?! what about pete?,phoebe,i don’t know!
monica,"okay, i feel like i’m talking to lassie. all right, phoebe would you just tell me!",phoebe,i can’t!!
monica,"okay, i gotta go.",phoebe,"i, but you’re so close! no!"
monica,"okay, does it involve something to do with pete’s computer company?",phoebe,"oh, just go. you’re never gonna get it!"
mr. geller,"tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and i cou. . .",phoebe,"i like this lily. its more open, ya know, and thats like my mom. she had a more open, giving spirit. ooh, foghorn leghorn, ooh."
tattoo artist,"alright, blonde girl, youre in room two, not so blonde girl, youre with me.",phoebe,"i dont believe this. is this how this relationships gonna work? ross equals boss. i mean, cmon what is this, 1922?"
monica,"dad, dad this is a good thing for me. ya know, and you even said yourself, youve never seen richard happier.",phoebe,"i know, i know, and i was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?"
rachel,"that is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. i finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.",phoebe,"ok, hi. for your information this is exactly what i wanted. this is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. its the way my mother sees me from heaven."
joey,"ooh, names? opening credits.",phoebe,hey.
joey,hey. i was just gonna get something to eat. you want something?,phoebe,"what you got? joey : okay, lets see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... ooh! strained plums. we havent tried that yet."
joey,"im fine, im fine, its just, its just weird whats happening with her and ross. you know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.",phoebe,"oh my god, rachel asked me if i knew anyone for her too."
joey,why are they doing this?,phoebe,i dont know. theyre so perfect for each other; its crazy.
joey,"you know whats crazy? these jars. what is it, like two bites in here?",phoebe,i just wish theyd realise they should be together.
joey,"i know, i know. and when they moved back in together, i figured yknow, thats where things were headed.",phoebe,i know. they should be a family. they should get married and have more children.
joey,"yes, and they should name one of their kids joey. i may not have kids; someones gotta carry on the family name.",phoebe,"you know what? maybe once they start dating, and they see whats out there, theyll realise how good they are for each other."
joey,"yeah, because it is slim pickings. i had this date last night: yuck! but we should probably keep it down; shes still in the bedroom.",phoebe,"so, what are we gonna do? are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?"
joey,i know; that just pushes them further and further apart.,phoebe,"yeah.  oh, i know what we can do. we could set ross and rachel up on horrible dates, so that theyll realise how good they are together."
joey,"ooh, thats a great plan!",phoebe,"yeah, you know what the best part of it is? i get to do my plan-laugh."
rachel,"oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! shes at such a cute age. oh, a couple things. now that shes eating solid food, she poops around the clock. and watch out for your hair, cause she likes to grab it. and oh, shes also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... thanks, you guys. have fun! chandler : suddenly i wish i was reading my own name.",phoebe,"ooh, joey."
joey,hey.,phoebe,hey. im so excited; i just set up rachel with the worst guy tonight.
joey,all right! who is he?,phoebe,"well, its this guy i used to massage. and by massage, i mean hold down so he wouldnt turn over and flash me. joey : okay, okay. wait till you hear who i got for ross."
joey,shes this really boring woman. shes a teacher!,phoebe,a teacher?
joey,"yeah, yeah, shes really into history and foreign movies... and oh, oh, she loves puzzles. huh? come on, who loves puzzles?",phoebe,"well, ross does. what... youre - youre ruining the plan! joey, youve - youve fixed him up with his perfect woman!"
joey,"oh my god, youre right!",phoebe,yeah.
joey,she even reads for pleasure!,phoebe,how do you even know a woman like that?
joey,what? im not allowed to know smart women?,phoebe,joey.
joey,i met her at the library. i went in to pee.,phoebe,so now what do we do?
joey,"well, okay, ill - ill just call her and tell her the dates cancelled, and find him somebody else.",phoebe,"what if we dont find him somebody else? well just tell her the dates off, but we dont tell ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!"
joey,ooh...i hear thats bad.,phoebe,"ooh, so this is great! rachels gonna have a terrible date, ross gets stood up, and then theyll realise how good they have it together."
joey,"ah, yes, the plan!",phoebe,"its not santas plan. no, its..."
joey,"yeah, you know, its not that fun.",phoebe,"no, i think we killed it."
rachel,really?,phoebe,hello?
rachel,"phoebe, its me. im going to hunt you down and kill you!",phoebe,"hey, rach!"
rachel,this is the worst date ever. how could you set me up with this creep?,phoebe,"you know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends."
rachel,i dont care! this guy is a nightmare!,phoebe,"oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when hes stoned."
rachel,hes not stoned.,phoebe,did he go out for a cigarette?
rachel,"yeah, four times.",phoebe,"my dear, sweet rach."
joey,"oh, great, pretty soon theyll be back together.",phoebe,"by the time anyones figured out what weve done, well be in sunny mexico.  oh, wait, thats the end of a different plan."
ross,female body inspector? what size is that?,phoebe,"now, wait a minute. so, theyre gonna name their first child joey?"
joey,uh-huh.,phoebe,how - how do i get them to name the next one after me?
joey,"its easy, you just walk in on them having sex.",phoebe,"oh, so they owe me like, three phoebes."
joey,"were geniuses! yeah, look at them, look at them, theyre really bonding.",phoebe,"oh, yeah, theyre falling in love all over again."
joey,where?,phoebe,mexico!  end credits.
monica,"myself. y’know for remembering to pack a thing. yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check!  my mom does it, i never realized it was weird.",phoebe,"yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. well, actually, she only did it the one time. but it was pretty weird."
monica,"okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator…",phoebe,"okay, okay, but rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t i just ask her this stuff?"
ross,"well, we’re all here! i guess we should get going!",phoebe,"ohhh, i wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but i don’t—can’t get up."
ross,"oh, i’ll-i’ll come hug you.",phoebe,"great! yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?"
ross,yeah.,phoebe,"oh, have a great wedding!"
ross,thanks.,phoebe,"oh, hey, chandler i wanna hug you too!"
chandler,hey!,phoebe,"oh, and great! you might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment."
chandler,here you go phoebe! here you go phobo! phewbedo! phaybobo.,phoebe,thank you. (chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.
joey,london baby!!,phoebe,"oh, do you need a hug? you don’t have to bring me anything!"
joey,"man, you are westminster crabby.",phoebe,oh. oh.
rachel,"oh, honey! don’t get up! what do you need?",phoebe,"oh, no. oh, nothing."
rachel,come on! i am here to take care of you! what do you need? anything.,phoebe,"okay, i have a wedgie."
rachel,"okay, that is all you.",phoebe,"so-so, what do you want for lunch?"
rachel,"oh, i don’t know. i guess we have to eat.",phoebe,"yeah, i do. what’s the matter?"
rachel,i’m just bummed about the way i left things with ross. i shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. he seemed so mad at me.,phoebe,"eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. if someone i was still in love with was getting married…"
rachel,still in love with?!,phoebe,yeah!
rachel,i’m not in love with ross!,phoebe,"oh. no. no. good! yeah, me neither."
rachel,"phoebe, i’m going to ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. not because, i’m still in love with him! i mean, hey, y’know, i like ross as much as the next guy, y’know? clearly i have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! i mean, i still have loving feelings for ross. yeah! but, i have, i have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that i’m still in love with him. y’know? i-i have sexual feelings for him, but i do love him—ohh! oh my god! oh my—why didn’t you tell me?!!",phoebe,we thought you knew!
rachel,we?!,phoebe,"yeah, we all know! we talk about it all the time!"
rachel,you all know? does ross know?,phoebe,"oh no, ross doesn’t know anything."
rachel,"oh, i can not believe you didn’t tell me!",phoebe,"well, because we thought you knew!! it’s so obvious! god, that would be like telling monica, hey, you like things clean."
ross,"no, wait! emily! no, wait, stop! emily, please—",phoebe,hey!
rachel,hi.,phoebe,"so, did shopping make you feel any better about ross?"
rachel,manhattan does not have enough stores.,phoebe,"well, i think i can help you get over him."
rachel,you can?,phoebe,yeah. i just need you to bring me some photos of ross.
rachel,um-hmm.,phoebe,and a small piece of chocolate.
rachel,okay.,phoebe,and a glass of tepid water.
rachel,"ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?",phoebe,"uh, only if you have the hiccups too. yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. i just didn’t feel like getting up. okay, i’m gonna show you a picture of ross. okay? and you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. all right? really focus on his flaws."
rachel,i can do that. i certainly did it when we were going out.,phoebe,"okay. umm, before we get started, i just wanna say for the record that i love ross, i think he’s such a great guy. here.  okay, now, close your eyes. and imagine that you’re with ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. and you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. and then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s—uck! hah?"
rachel,"i don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.",phoebe,"okay, this is going to be harder than i thought. umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy."
rachel,okay.,phoebe,okay?
rachel,all right.,phoebe,"so uh, now look at the picture…"
rachel,okay.,phoebe,"all right, and umm…"
rachel,ow!,phoebe,"okay, how do you feel now?"
chandler,i hope he did!,phoebe,hello.
joey,"hey, pheebs! it’s joey!",phoebe,"hey, joey! hey! ooh! ooh! i just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. and i was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then i figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you."
joey,"that just cost me four bucks. but uh listen, i just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?",phoebe,"ohh, they’re having a great time with their aunt phoebe! aunt rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. so, do you miss me?"
joey,"kinda, but i’ve just been having way too much fun.",phoebe,so you’re not homesick yet?
joey,"no, i don’t think so.",phoebe,"all right, the seven of us miss you."
joey,who’s seven?,phoebe,"y’know, me, rachel, the birds, the babies…"
joey,"ahh, the babies miss me?",phoebe,"ooh, the pizza guy’s here!"
joey,what? you ordered pizza without me?!,phoebe,"yeah. but y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the joey special."
joey,two pizzas?!,phoebe,"yep! okay, gotta go, talk to you later."
rachel,pheebs?,phoebe,yeah?
rachel,do you remember where the duck food is?,phoebe,"yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. why?"
rachel,because i’m going to london.,phoebe,what?! what do you mean you’re going to london?
rachel,"yeah, i have to tell ross that i love him. now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until i get back.",phoebe,"i—rachel, you can’t go! ross loves emily!"
rachel,"yeah, i know, i know, i know he does. but i have to tell him how i feel! he deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.",phoebe,"that’s not why you’re going! you’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, yeah, i love you too, rach. forget that british chippy."
rachel,ohh—do you think he will?!,phoebe,"no! because he’s in love with the british chippy! look, rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! y’know, it’s too late! you missed you’re chance! i’m sorry, i know this must be really hard, it’s over."
rachel,"y’know what? no. it’s not over until someone says, i do.",phoebe,"i do! i do! i do!  i do!  ugh, like i can really chase you. i’m carrying a litter."
housekeeper,the waltham residence.,phoebe,oh...yes..is this..umm..emily’s parents’ house.
housekeeper,"this is the housekeeper speaking. and by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses oneself on the telephone. first one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.",phoebe,"this is phoebe buffay. i was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might i speak to miss emily waltham, please?"
housekeeper,"miss waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. goodbye.",phoebe,"no no no, i’ll be nice, i swear!!!  could you just give me the number for where they are?"
mr. waltham,don’t take that tone with me.  all-all right you can.,phoebe,"oh thank god. oh, you changed your mind. oh, look i know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. i just want you to know, i think you are doing the right thing and..."
chandler,"i’d like to toast, ross and emily. of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or melba toast, if you will.  okay. i known ross for a long time. in fact, i knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend.  and i thought things were going to work out for him..until the day he over inflated her.  ohh, dear god..",phoebe,"oh, hi, mrs. waltham. i need to speak with ether one of the best men, or ross’s sister monica."
rachel,"oh. i’m sorry. i’m very sorry. sorry.  it’s just, i’m ahh, i’m kinda excited. i’m, ahh, going to london to ahh, tell this guy that i love him and...",phoebe,"no it’s not great. no, she’s coming to tell ross that she loves him."
joey,hold on. hold on.  rachel coming. do...something.,phoebe,"okay, so i’m done my part, okay. it’s your responsibility now, okay. the burden is off me, right?"
rachel,well i just came... i just needed to tell you... congratulations.,phoebe,"yea. can i please, please, please talk to one of the best men? this is going to be the last time i promise."
joey,"ah, i’m-i’m walking down the aisle...still walking.  i’m about to pass the bridesmaid i hooked up with last night.  hey!  i told her hey. and now i’m at the front with ross. it’s phoebe.  he looks pretty mad. uh...i’d better go.",phoebe,"no!! wait, wait, wait!! oh please, hold it up so i can listen."
chandler,"yeah, because if i was at my old job wed say 300 million? no thank you!",phoebe,hey will you get me tickets too?
ross,no thanks!,phoebe,you dont wanna win the lottery?
chandler,"yeah...i mean i want this so much! i mean, i wanna get one, i want my friend charlie to get one...except i dont care about charlie.",phoebe,"hey you guys! ok, youre not going to believe this! i just saw my psychic and she said i was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!"
monica,"alright, who wants to do it?",phoebe,"oh can i? vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. its really not fair either! you know, just because we dont eat the meat doesnt mean we dont like to play with the carcasses!"
joey,ill do it!! itll get the casserole stink off of mine.,phoebe,i hope i win!
"rachel, chandler and monica","please, just do it!",phoebe,"one, two, three!"
ross,"you dont have to do that, ill pay for myself. but just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - thats so sweet! come here",phoebe,get a room!
ross,"although if were gonna do that, we should probably call me daddy too.",phoebe,"oooh, i like that, daddy"
ross,i ... i was just talking about rachel.,phoebe,"oooh, is daddy getting angry? is daddy gonna spank me?"
monica,"im sorry, idea time is over.",phoebe,"ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?"
monica,"ok, fine!! i bought 20 extra tickets for me and chandler.",phoebe,uh! the psychic also said that i would be betrayed.
ross,"than i want mine, too ! and if i win im gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.",phoebe,"oh, you guys! weve got to keep all the tickets together"
joey,oh!,phoebe,ooooohhhhh!
ross,"hey, hey!!",phoebe,"ooooohhhhh!  fine, i cant take it anymore! im putting an end to this!"
joey,"no, no!",phoebe,"if we are not doing it together, were not doing it at all! so, say goodbye to your tickets! ."
everyone,no!!,phoebe,dont come any closer!
chandler,"can i come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished...",phoebe,"no, whats more important, your friends or money?"
monica,money!  friends...,phoebe,"hey monica, what about your extra tickets?"
ross,monica!,phoebe,"ok, good!  you guys were so scared! there was no way i was gonna dump this... oh god, no!  i think i broke your bowl."
ross,"go, go, go!!",phoebe,"what a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. and the wind sure made it fun."
monica,"phoebe, we lost half of them.",phoebe,"so, what? monica, we have the winning ticket! my psychic said i  was gonna win, remember?"
ross,weird.. your psychic didnt mention anything about the scary pigeon...,phoebe,"as a matter of fact she said thats how i am going to die.  so, excuse me for being a little skittish."
message,hello. th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise  i sh.. i shouldnt have knocked the tickets out of the pretty ladys hand. it-it was all my fault. not hers. bye. coo.,phoebe,"well, i bet that was very hard for him to do."
rachel,"no, she was just much better at job than me!",phoebe,"guys, the drawing is about to start!"
chandler,no.,phoebe,im still looking through mine...
ross,me too. so much for my dinosaur/amelia earhart theme park.,phoebe,"you guys, what was the powerball number again?"
monica and ross,seven.,phoebe,we won.
rachel,what?,phoebe,we won!
monica,let me see!,phoebe,dont tear it.
ross,"phoebe, you dont have any of the first five numbers.",phoebe,"i know that, but look, weve got the powerball number, weve won 3 dollars!"
chandler,"wow, youd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout.",phoebe,"i dont care, ive never won anything before, i cant believe this!"
rachel,"so pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3?",phoebe,its not all mine. we all get 50 cents.
joey,"hey guys, so i just called the powerball hotline, can you believe it? nobody won.",phoebe,i beg to differ .
gunther,"maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 .",phoebe,"coo, again. dont blame the pretty lady. it was not her fault. it was me, the pigeon, coo!  seriously, stop staring at her."
chandler,top of the world? dock of the bay?  im out.,phoebe,ew-eww!! undies!
rachel,what are you reading?,phoebe,"umm, wethering heights. im taking a literature class at the new school and i have to finish it for the first session tomorrow."
chandler,i didnt know you were taking a class. that is so cool.,phoebe,"yeah! well, i really liked that lamaze class i took! yknow and this time i thought id go for something, yknow a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam."
rachel,honey that sounds like fun.,phoebe,"yeah! ooh, you should come with me! oh yeah, then id have someone to sit with!"
rachel,okay.,phoebe,"yeah! okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?"
rachel,"oh, i read that in high school.",phoebe,"this is going to be so much fun! okay-shhh, i have to finish."
joey,im surprised you didnt go home wearing your lunch.,phoebe,"okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? you gotta scare people off. i learned that living on the street."
chandler,"say ross, when you picture phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of annie?",phoebe,"okay, this will keep them away from your stuff."
monica,"phoebe, you are a bad ass!",phoebe,"someday ill, tell you about the time i stabbed the cop."
monica,phoebe?,phoebe,"well, he stabbed me first!!"
rachel,"sorry im late, but i left late.",phoebe,okay.
rachel,"so pheebs, what is the book about?",phoebe,i thought you said you read it in high school.
rachel,"well yeah, but then i remembered i started it and there was this pep rally and i was, i was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about?",phoebe,"okay, umm, its this tragic love story between cathy and heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in england. which i think represents the wildness of heathcliffs character. i totally get symbolism."
the teacher,excellent! what rachel has shrewdly observed here…,phoebe,you completely stole my answer!
rachel,"well, honey that was pretty obvious.",phoebe,well how would you know?! you didnt even read it!
the teacher,what do you think? you in the blue shirt.,phoebe,"i think that uh, yours is a question with many answers."
the teacher,would ya care to venture one?,phoebe,would you care to venture one?
the teacher,are you just repeating what im saying?,phoebe,are you just repeating what im saying?
the teacher,"all right, lets move on.",phoebe,okay then.
ross,phoebe!,phoebe,yeah?
rachel,hi!,phoebe,hi!
rachel,"so umm, whats this book about?",phoebe,you didnt read this one either?!
rachel,"well, i was gonna, but i accidentally read something else.",phoebe,what?
rachel,"vogue! hey, so tell me about this jane eyre woman.",phoebe,no! you shouldve read it yourself!
rachel,come on phoebe! don’t be such a goodie-goodie!,phoebe,"fine! okay, all right, so jane eyre, first of all, youd think shes a woman, but shes not. shes a cyborg."
rachel,a cyborg?! isnt that like a robot?!,phoebe,"yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time."
the teacher,"sorry im late. lets get started. so, what did everybody think about jane eyre?",phoebe,"umm, rachel and i were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights."
rachel,"ugh, that was so embarrassing! i cant believe you let me go on and on like that!",phoebe,im sorry. it was just so funny when you started comparing jane eyre to robocop.
rachel,that was not funny!,phoebe,"well, i snapped! okay? you werent taking the class seriously."
rachel,"phoebe, come on! what is the big deal? i thought this was going to be something we could do together! yknow, i thought it would be fun!",phoebe,"well, yeah! fun is good, but yknow i also wanted to learn. yknow, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and i never went to high school."
monica,give me that!,phoebe,"all right, wait! just wait. everybody just calm down. okay? lets give our friend joey a chance to explain why hes such a big pervert!"
ross,"yeah, whats going on?",phoebe,whats going on?
joey,"no! if anyones a sex addict here, its monica! yeah. yeah. she has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since london!",phoebe,so thats why she gave you a naked picture of herself.
joey,"well, i think weve all learned something about whos disgusting and whos not. eh? all right, now, im going to get back to my bucket. im only eating the skin, so the chickens up for grabs.  ending credits",phoebe,"i really thought you making a good point. i mean yknow, until you got cut off."
a female student,"yeah, whats up with that girl monica?",phoebe,i dont know! i didnt come with her!
ross,"i’m sorry i’m late, did i miss anything?",phoebe,joey stuffing 15 oreos in his mouth.
ross,15?  your personal best!,phoebe,where were you?
chandler,"oh, yeah! how did you meet her?",phoebe,"oh, which museum?"
chandler,"hey, look at this!  they’re lighting the big christmas tree tonight.",phoebe,"umm, that paper’s two weeks old."
all,hey!,phoebe,what’s wrong mon?
monica,"ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.",phoebe,oh.
monica,"i thought i was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, i get off work and i find out that they wrote this  on my chef’s hat.",phoebe,"hey, maybe they meant to write, ‘quiet, bitch.’"
chandler,"well, i don’t really know what that is, but let’s!!",phoebe,"hey! you guys, i’m writing a holiday song for everyone. do you want to hear it?"
"monica, rachel, and joey",yes!,phoebe,"happy chanukah, monica! may your christmas be snowy, joey! happy new year, chandler and ross. spin the draddle, rachel!"
rachel,"pheebs, that’s great!",phoebe,"oh, yay!"
rachel,"but y’know umm, rachel doesn’t rhyme with draddle.",phoebe,i know but it’s so hard! nothing rhymes with your stupid name!
joey,what are you talking about? lots of things rhyme with rachel. bagel. mail. jail. bail. able. may-pole.,phoebe,"all good, thanks.  do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that’s easier to rhyme?"
rachel,oh yeah!,phoebe,"pumpkin? yeah. but did he ever call you like, budolph?"
chandler,guys are signing over their 401-k’s to me?,phoebe,you work with robots!!
joey,"now, wait a second! you make food and robots?",phoebe,"no! no, the robots just work for them."
ross,"not her. yeah, this is someone else i meet, and i-i can’t decide between the two of them. y’know the one from poughkeepsie, even though she’s a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. but this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. y’know she’s, well she’s-she’s just as pretty, i guess she’s smart, she’s not fun.",phoebe,"if she’s no fun, why do you want to date her at all?"
chandler,"hey, man!",phoebe,"hey! ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?"
joey,"well nothing yet, they really hate you and i want to fit in.",phoebe,"happy, happy chanukah, chandler and monica. very merry…"
chandler,"oh, y’know, y’know what pheebs?",phoebe,what?
chandler,"i’m not jewish, so…",phoebe,"so! ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? god!"
ross,"the one with the cat. i gotta go, i’ve got another date.",phoebe,"so, did you pick one yet?"
ross,"no, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. but it was a different joke than i thought—it wasn’t that funny. so i’m still torn.",phoebe,"well look, you don’t really like the one from uptown and you’re too exhausted from dating the one up in poughkeepsie, so i say you just end them both. okay? you take a train up to poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. and then by the time you get home tonight, you’re done!"
ross,"y’know, you’re right. thank you.",phoebe,"umm, well i had a similar problem when i lived in prague."
chandler,prague?,phoebe,there’s sooo much you don’t know.
joey,lean-lean-lean!,phoebe,"went to the store, sat on santas lap."
joey,thank you!,phoebe,"joey, can i have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?"
joey,": pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry italian?",phoebe,"im sorry, its just, im a little short on cash."
joey,if you want i could loan you some money?,phoebe,"oh no, no, no. i learned never to borrow money from friends. no, thats why richard dreyfuss and i dont speak anymore."
joey,"oh, hey, how about this? wanna be an extra on my show?",phoebe,you could do that?
joey,"yeah, yeah. the pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need.",phoebe,"oh my god, im gonna be on tv!"
joey,"okay, now. i gotta tell you, being on tv isnt as glamorous and exciting as you think.",phoebe,"oh, really?"
ross,hi guys.,phoebe,"wow! hey, why are you all dressed up?"
gavin,"oh, your babys so cute. why did you put a pink bow on a boy?",phoebe,"joey, look at me! im a nurse!"
joey,"yes you are. i think it may be time for my sponge bath. sorry, im just so used to hitting on the extras. so, are you excited about your scene?",phoebe,yeah! but im a little shaky and nervous.
director,"okay, okay, okay!  you. here, come here, here. youre gonna take this tray, youre gonna stay on this yellow mark. youre gonna move on action! youre gonna walk over to the operating table. youre gonna stop on that blue mark, youre gonna put the tray down. dont walk too fast! but dont doddle.",phoebe,"okay, now. what?"
director,cut! cut!,phoebe,"im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. im just a little nervous."
director,"well, dont be.",phoebe,"okay, that helps."
joey,hey.,phoebe,"hey. so, what did he say?"
"okay, so he said","if your puppy friend doesnt get her puppy act together, im gonna fire her mother-puppy ass.",phoebe,"im sorry, i cant do this. im not an actor."
joey,"thats right, youre not. youre a nurse. youre nurse with tray.",phoebe,joey.
joey,"no, no. nurse with tray doesnt know joey, she doesnt have time for friends. she gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesnt, people die!",phoebe,who dies?
joey,man with eye patch! you get in there and you do your job.,phoebe,"yes, doctor."
director,"okay, lets try this one more time.",phoebe,"hang in there, man with eye patch, your tray is coming!"
director,and...action!,phoebe,"yes, i did it!!! i nailed it!!! yay! whats next?"
director,the rest of the scene.,phoebe,"okay, from the top, people!"
ross,"you know what? i dont need a tie. i mean, its better, open collar. you know, its more casual",phoebe,"joey, listen. i cant do this, it doesnt make any sense. yesterday i was a nurse, and today im a waitress at a cafe?"
joey,"oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. its okay.",phoebe,"well, its not okay, because i gave a very memorable performance as the nurse. and now suddenly im the waitress? thats gonna confuse my fans."
joey,"maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.",phoebe,"uhuh. because im a single mother, supporting my two children."
joey,nice.,phoebe,wait a minute. dr. drake ramoray and i work at the same hospital. wouldnt i come over to say hi to him?
joey,"no, no. see, you and drake are having a fight.",phoebe,about what?
joey,he slept with you and then never called you.,phoebe,and i just wanted a new daddy for davy and becky.
director,"cut, cut! what are you doing!?",phoebe,"yeah, well, im very angry at him, because he slept with me and never called me back."
joey,"hey, listen pheebs. i was just talking to the director, and he was thinking, maybe this time you dont hit drake, you just wait on the tables?",phoebe,i cant do that. im an actor. i have a process.
joey,youre a masseuse. you have a table with a hole in it.,phoebe,"wait a minute, i see whats happening here. youre threatened."
joey,what?,phoebe,"yeah, im so good in this scene that im stealing focus from you. well, rise to the challenge tribianni cause i just raised the bar. come join me up here!"
phoebe/waitress,what about my children drake?! huh!?  no!! no!! no! god!,phoebe,"oh hey you guys, i couldn�t get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner thursday night instead."
joey,thursday? but that�s halloween.,phoebe,so?
ross,"so, so, is mike coming to dinner?",phoebe,"no! it�s my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. uch, i get mad at him, but i think it�s a little to soon to show my true colors."
has to stay home and watch emma. (to ross,) which one of us should go to dinner?,phoebe,"oh, rachel!"
ross,"actually, um, i was thinking maybe both of us could go.",phoebe,"oh, yay!"
ross,"thanks, i put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift.",phoebe,"alright, okay, so we can all go now. that is fun. hey, you know what? we all haven�t been together the six of us in such a long time."
chandler,"i always liked you, ken.",phoebe,trick or treat!
monica,hey!,phoebe,"ooh, and treat it is."
monica,hmhmm.,phoebe,"wow, so glad i changed. almost wore my ??? outfit that can�t contain my breasts."
monica,"this is not, what i�m wearing. i�m ovulating and chandler�s gonna be home any minute, so i thought we would try before dinner.",phoebe,"ohh. oh wait!  you guys won�t be late for my dinner, will you?"
monica,"believe me, chandler and i have not seen each other in over a week. we�ll probably be the first ones there.",phoebe,"�kay, see you there. happy humping!  hey�hey! oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? oh my god, don�t people know, you�re not allowed to smoke in public spaces?"
chandler,"actually, in oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.",phoebe,you smoked!
chandler,"no! i just happened t�do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. for example, in hawaii cigarettes are called leyhallalookoos.",phoebe,"chandler, you stink of cigarettes."
chandler,"uch, do you think, monica is gonna be able smell it?",phoebe,are you kidding? the woman has the nose of a bloodhound � and the breasts of a greek goddess.
chandler,pheebs?,phoebe,i�m gonna go.
ross,"oh,  holy molly are we in a pickle now.",phoebe,where is everyone? they�re forty minutes late.
joey,"i know, u-uch.",phoebe,"i�m starving. i know we were coming here tonight, i ate nothing all day."
waiter,"soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?",phoebe,"yes, they are expected presently. yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing."
joey,"no, they�re comin�, we�re waitin� right here.",phoebe,"joseph!  thou needn�t worry, they shan�t be long."
waiter,it�s just that we do have some large parties waiting.,phoebe,one really does have a stick up one�s ass. doesn�t one?
joey,but it happens?  i�m gotta go to the bathroom.,phoebe,"no, you can�t go. no-no-no, i can�t hold this table on my own. if they ask me to move, i cave."
joey,"if you ask me to stay, i�ll pee. maitre d�: good evening, miss.  miss?  miss?  miss!",phoebe,"okay, fine, i�ll move. alright, you don�t have to manhandle me.  where?  okay. thank you. wach."
chandler,i feel so used.,phoebe,"well, i guess they�re not coming. you wanna just order?"
waiter,er�does not.,phoebe,tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?
waiter,"oh, they�re both exclus�",phoebe,"both it is, thank you."
waiter,i�ll just wait to put your order in.,phoebe,you guys are over an hour late. what happened to you two?
rachel,"n-it wasn�t easy, but it�s your birthday and i did what i got to do.",phoebe,and that�s judy over there at the bar with emma?
joey,son of a bitch!,phoebe,wher-where have you been?
ross,"huh-huh, they already know it.",phoebe,"you guys, we�ve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order."
rachel,"okay, as everybody has ordered, i would like to start the celebration and make a toast � to phoebe. she dropped her sock.",phoebe,aw � what?
rachel,"ross, she still has not noticed that the baby�s sock is on the ground.",phoebe,�s a good toast.
ross,w-oa � mommy!,phoebe,"oh, for god�s sake, judy, pick up the sock! pick up the sock! pick up the sock!  i�m sorry, was that rude? di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt  the hideousness  that is this evening? look, i know, you all have a lot going on, but all i wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. and you are all so late and you didn�t even have the courtesy to call.  well, it�s too late now."
ross,"well, ??? think that�s us?",phoebe,"well, this is, this is, this is not over! hello?"
chandler,what�s the matter with me? why i�m such a girl?,phoebe,"okay, that was mike."
rachel,"phoebe, hi, we�re so sorry. you�re totally right. we are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.",phoebe,"mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. huh, nkay, i�m gonna take off."
rachel,what?,phoebe,"oh, i love you guys too, but mike got off work early. wait. wait, i�m not t�not that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. you know what? i am. bye guys!  judy! bye."
monica,i gave you a key for emergencies!,phoebe,we were out of doritos.
joey,"yeah, that was real.",phoebe,wow! i cannot believe mark asked you out.
rachel,i know.,phoebe,"what, so what are you gonna tell him?"
rachel,"well, i told him i would think about it, but i’m gonna tell him no.",phoebe,huh.
rachel,"i mean i think i’d say no to anybody right now.  oh, but it was so strange. i mean i’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which i’m allowed to do, and i felt guilty. yknow, like i’d be cheating on ross or something.",phoebe,"wow. so, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over ross yet and you have issues with your father."
rachel,i don’t have any issues with my father.,phoebe,"okay, so it’s probably just the ross thing then."
ross,"oh-oh, okay, okay!  if you don’t mind i’m gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt.  you have a pleasant evening.",phoebe,"so, you’re like a zillionaire?"
chandler,and you’re our age. you’re our age.,phoebe,"yknow what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself."
pete,what like pete dakota?,phoebe,"yeah, or, or, or, mississ-pete."
monica,"absolutely!  now get out of here you!!   okay, i’m running out of places i can touch him! look, is there something wrong with me? i mean why am i only attracted to guys where there’s no future? either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s pete who’s-who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! i mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?!",phoebe,"yeah, kinda."
joey,"yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.",phoebe,"hey!  why isn’t it spiderman? y’know like goldman, silverman..."
chandler,‘cause it’s-it’s not his last name.,phoebe,it isn’t?
chandler,"no, it’s not like, like phil spiderman. he’s a spider, man. yknow like ah, like goldman is a last name, but there’s no gold man.",phoebe,"oh, okay. there should be gold man!"
chandler,"so, ahh, what kind of powers would gold man have?",phoebe,"okay well, he would turn things to gold."
chandler,what about things that are already gold?,phoebe,"ahh, his work is done."
chandler,"okay, let’s play my game now.",phoebe,okay. all right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-draw!!
chandler,"well, im guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.",phoebe,"cmon you guys. its a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. you know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . ."
mr. geller,"uhh, naa, no no no, i, i must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. dont",phoebe,"ok. ooh, ok, you gotta give me a second, i wanna get this"
mr. geller,"there you go. so she dips into her savings, thats what its there for. shes",phoebe,would you stop already? get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.
mrs. geller,"over here jack. ok. i see, rachels coming up the path. oh doesnt she",phoebe,oh hey! how was your audition?
joey,"i’m sorry, do i know you?",phoebe,what are you doing?
joey,"nothing, i’m just practicing blowing you off because i’m gonna be a big movie star!",phoebe,oh! you got it?!
joey,"oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three italian brothers who come to america around the turn of the century. it’s really classy! oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next martin scorcese.",phoebe,"the next, next?"
joey,"are you kidding me? i never rent a movie without it!  oh.  uh, okay uh let me call you back.",phoebe,what’s the matter?
joey,i know! my grandmother’s gonna see this!,phoebe,grandma’s gonna have to get in line.
monica,"hey phoebe, will you give me a hand?",phoebe,sure.
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,"hey pheebs, can i talk to you over here for a second?",phoebe,yeah!
monica,subtle guys!,phoebe,what?!
monica,"plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing.",phoebe,well when can we have this shower?
rachel,she has got so much going on we-we have only two options. we have friday…,phoebe,well that’s only two days away. what is the other option?
rachel,yesterday!,phoebe,"well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! we’re done!"
rachel,"oh my god phoebe, this is impossible! we can’t do this by friday! we have to find a place. we have to invite people! we have to get food! there’s just too much to do! it’s impossible! we can’t do it! we cannot do it! we cannot do it!",phoebe,"rachel, calm down!"
rachel,"okay. i’m sorry. you’re right, you’re right.",phoebe,just calm down woman!
rachel,"phoebe, i already, i already did.",phoebe,"oh okay. all right, then i need to calm down a little."
rachel,"okay. okay.  i think we can do this if we just get organized. all right? we have two days to plan this party. we just need to make fast decisions! okay? all right, where are we gonna have it?",phoebe,"uh, here. what time?"
rachel,4 o’clock. food?,phoebe,finger sandwiches and tea.
rachel,ooh great! very monica.,phoebe,and chili!
rachel,"ah you went one too far. uh, flowers or balloons?",phoebe,both!
rachel,we’re paying for this y’know.,phoebe,neither.
rachel,"okay. umm, what should we do for the theme?",phoebe,lusts of the flesh.
rachel,what?,phoebe,i don’t know.  a cowboy theme?
monica,"well i’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head i’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.",phoebe,"hey! i’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone."
rachel,"okay. okay. all right, you take care of that. and meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.",phoebe,"okay. okay! well okay, who do we know that’s coming? me. are you?"
monica,hey!,phoebe,hey!
rachel,we have to get her a present?!,phoebe,okay but look! look at what i got! it’s her address book!  we have a guest list!
rachel,oh my god you’re amazing! did you just pull that out of her purse?,phoebe,"uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party."
ross,"well i’m, i’m a little slow.  just as our children would be.",phoebe,hi!
woman,hi!,phoebe,"how are you?  good.  hi, thanks for coming."
woman,oh thank you.,phoebe,"thank you.  no?  all right.  oh, it’s so nice to see you."
the other woman,no thanks.,phoebe,okay.  hey rach?
rachel,yeah?,phoebe,who the hell are all these people?
rachel,"well, i don’t know. i called all the people in monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.",phoebe,"hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. losers!"
rachel,excuse us for a minute.  you didn’t tell her to come?!,phoebe,you were supposed to tell her!
rachel,no i wasn’t! you were supposed to tell her to come and i was supposed to bring the cake!,phoebe,"fine, i’ll go call her."
rachel,"well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.",phoebe,and then for forgetting to invite you to it.
monica,you al-you already had it?,phoebe,"yeah. well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave."
rachel,"yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.",phoebe,we ruined everything.
rachel,surprise…,phoebe,sur-surprise.
joey,"oh! hey right! not a problem.  i totally understand. you need to y’know make sure i don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. don’t you worry; i have nothing to hide.  so there you go, that’s me.  one hundred percent natural!   i tell ya, that has never happened before. ending credits",phoebe,"cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?"
cassie,yeah! thank you so much for letting me stay here.,phoebe,oh! no problem! i…
cassie,what?,phoebe,say something! say anything! ask her out! she’s not your cousin!
rachel,": really? : sure, we have scones left! : ok, read them to me.",phoebe,": dear ms. green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh..."
monica,: ok... dear ms. green... yeah... yeah... yeah... no.,phoebe,wow!
rachel,what?,phoebe,: your visa bill is huge!
chandler,were not—were not saying anything.,phoebe,what?
rachel,"well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?",phoebe,"yeah, what is that? like, some kind of guy thing? like, some kind of sexist guy thing? like its poker, so only guys can play?"
ross,"no, women are welcome to play.",phoebe,"oh, ok, so then what is it? some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, yknow, like... alright, what is it?"
rachel,"oh, good for you!",phoebe,congratulations!
chandler,"ok phoebs, how many do you want?",phoebe,"ok, i just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs."
ross,"alright, now, you sure? phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didnt look happy...",phoebe,"but... im ready, so, just deal."
monica,"dammit, dammit, dammit!",phoebe,": oh i see, so then, you were lying."
joey,about what?,phoebe,about how good your cards were.
joey,heh... i was bluffing.,phoebe,a-ha! and... what is bluffing? is it not another word for... lying?
monica,"hell no, well pay!",phoebe,"ok, monica? i had another answer all ready."
monica,"yeah, i know. he can get really competitive.",phoebe,"ha. ha, ha."
monica,what?,phoebe,"oh, hello, kettle? this is monica. youre black."
monica,"oh, rachel!",phoebe,"oh, its like the mother ship is calling you home."
aunt iris,no! thats bluffing. lesson number one.  let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. : nice earrings.,phoebe,thank y...
aunt iris,"yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, i am parked at a meter. lets do it.",phoebe,"ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?"
joey,"but hey, thanks for teachin us cross-eyed mary. you guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.",phoebe,"alright, heres my $7.50.  but i think you should know that this money is cursed."
joey,what?,phoebe,"oh, i cursed it. so now bad things will happen to he who spends it."
monica,"ok, we done with the chit-chat? are we ready to play some serious poker?",phoebe,"hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever i go.  right, ok, serious poker."
monica,"alright, cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante.",phoebe,yes!  .... or no.
rachel,"your fly is open, geller.",phoebe,"you guys, you know what i just realized? joker is poker with a j. coincidence?"
joey,uh... phoebe? phoebe?,phoebe,yeah. um... im out.
rachel,i couldnt be inner. monica?,phoebe,"monica, in or out?"
monica,i hate this game!,phoebe,"ok joey, your bet."
joey,"ahhh, i fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.  oh, im out.",phoebe,ross?
ross,"oh, i am very in.",phoebe,chandler?
chandler,couldnt be more out.,phoebe,me too. rachel.
rachel,"boy, you really cant stand to lose, can you? your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple...",phoebe,plus that shirt doesnt really match those pants.
monica,"sorry, rach.",phoebe,"yknow, theres gonna be lots of other stuff."
chandler,call.,phoebe,im in.
rachel,": thank you. : i saw your twenty-five, and i raise you... seven.",phoebe,...teen!
joey,oh!,phoebe,thats a bird?
chandler,theres a hair in my coffee.,phoebe,hey guys!
monica,hey.,phoebe,"hey, have you seen frank jr., cause hes meeting me here with the triplets."
monica,thats sweet. drink your hair.,phoebe,"hey, whats all this stuff?"
monica,"oh, theyre brochures from different adoption agencies.",phoebe,"ooh, babies! oh, this one is so cute, get this one!"
monica,thats not really how it works.,phoebe,"oh, how does it work?"
monica,i dont know!,phoebe,"well, if youre having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, bill and colleen. they adopted a kid. im sure theyd help you."
monica,"thanks, that would be great. hey, honey, wouldnt that be great?",phoebe,hey! frank jr.: hey.
ross,you know what? that is a very good idea. im gonna go make a pitcher of margaritas.,phoebe,"oh, god. so adorable. look at them sleeping there like angels. frank jr.: yeah, i really cherish these moments, cause before you know it, theyre gonna be awake again."
ross,that is gonna hurt tomorrow!,phoebe,"okay, well, this is crazy. cant seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we? frank jr.: no, of course were not."
monica,"hey, phoebs",phoebe,hey.
monica,what?,phoebe,"still, he had to find out sometime."
rachel,what are you gonna do pheebs?,phoebe,i don’t know. i don’t know. i can’t lie to him again. oh no i—no! i’m just gonna press my breasts up against him.
chandler,and say nothing?,phoebe,"uh-huh, yeah that’s right."
monica,"phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?",phoebe,what? you mean behind my back?
joey,"well, since you ask. they want me back on days of our lives!",phoebe,oh god!
rachel,i got—i get a big pay raise!,phoebe,oh hey!
chandler,no-no-no-no.  hey!,phoebe,"anyway, i should go. okay, bye."
rachel,i love him. he’s so pretty i wanna cry! i don’t know what to do. tell me what to do.,phoebe,"come on you know what to do! you hire the first one! you don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified."
rachel,"uh-huh. no, i hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can i just say one more thing?  look how pretty!",phoebe,"let’s see.  oh my god! oh… but no! no! you can’t-you can’t hire him, because that—it’s not professional. umm, this is for me  yes? thanks."
joey,hey.,phoebe,"hey—ooh, how’s hilda? is she working out?"
joey,"hello?  oh hey! can you, can you hang on a second?  it’s the producers over at mac and c.h.e.e.s.e. can you excuse me for a minute?  hey, funny you should call. i was just looking over next week’s script.  canceled?!  like they’re taking it off the air?  ohh.  all right, see you monday.  we’re not even shootin’ them anymore?!!  all right, bye!  they canceled mac and c.h.e.e.s.e!",phoebe,sorry.
joey,"uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.",phoebe,what happened?
joey,because they wanted me to audition!,phoebe,you! an actor?! that’s madness!
rachel,really?,phoebe,hi!
tag,hi! rachel green’s office.,phoebe,you must be hilda.
tag,phoebe! that’s a great name.,phoebe,"oh, you like that? you should hear my phone number."
rachel,okay. we’ll be right back.,phoebe,so you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
rachel,"all right i know, i know how it looks pheebs, but i’m telling you…",phoebe,but-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
chandler,youre on!,phoebe,hey!
monica,whats up?,phoebe,"well, okay, mikes taking a shower, which by the way theres  no law against. and then were gonna grab some food, so if you want..."
ross,... finally...,phoebe,is that ross?
monica,"yeah, you can hear everything through these stupid walls.",phoebe,sounds like hes with someone.
chandler,shes cheating on joey with ross!,phoebe,oh that tart... floozy... giant...
monica,im not sure about this.,phoebe,"yeah, youre right. this is none of our business."
monica,no im not sure that its  the best way to hear everything. someone get me a glass!,phoebe,"oh, im not gonna do this, okay? im not gonna eavesdrop on my friend."
rachel,"i know, im her!",phoebe,rachel and joey! its rachel and joey!!!
monica,what?,phoebe,get over here!
monica,i think i hear curtains closing...,phoebe,weve got shoes being kicked off over here.
chandler,okay buckwheat!,phoebe,"you gotta hear this, its great... its like free porn!"
charlie,okay...,phoebe,thats the door. hes gone...
ross,"hey, what are you guys doing?",phoebe,"oh, were just... were sad to go so were just saying goodbye to the hotel.  i love you... paradise hotel, golf resort and spa..."
joey,i dont believe this... have you guys been...,phoebe,shhh... this is the listening side of the wall.
"monica, chandler and phoebe",ye-ah!,phoebe,"now, what is this?"
rachel,"ah, what is this? well, lets see, we kissed for ten minutes and now were talking to our friends about it, so i guess this is sixth grade!",phoebe,oh no... have you thought about it how complicated this could get? what about ross?
ross,youre filthy!,phoebe,"hey, have you guys seen monica?"
ross,"uh, actually i think she went to the salon.",phoebe,"oh yeah, oh, she went to the salon alright..."
monica,check it out!,phoebe,whos day just got better? chandler!
chandler,wish i could switch with someone. i really dont wanna sit with allen iverson over there.,phoebe,"uhm... you know, once were in the air and the captain turns off the seatbelt sign... you feel free to roam about my cabin..."
mike,"you should be careful when checking your overhead bins, cause items may shift during...",phoebe,aaah... youre not good at this...
mike,"you dont have to go home tonight, do you?",phoebe,"no, i think i can come over. its saturday, right?"
mike,oh...,phoebe,what?
mike,uhm... i cant do anything tonight.,phoebe,why not?
mike,i have a date.,phoebe,you have a... you have a date? with who?
mike,"oh, its... my girlfriend.",phoebe,you have...  have a girlfriend?
mike,"yeah... well, when... you and i broke up i started seeing someone.",phoebe,for how long?
mike,three months.,phoebe,"three months? okay... this is probably none of my business, but uhm, how long do you think youre gonna keep seeing her?"
mike,ill tell her that its over tonight at dinner. i promise.,phoebe,"oh, okay... good. you do that. and then when you get home, maybe therell be a special delivery package waiting for you."
mike,maybe ill sign for it. tear it open. pull out the packing material...,phoebe,"you know what, were gonna have sex. lets just leave it there."
joey,"thank you. yeah, i appreciate that.",phoebe,"hi, mikes place."
mike,"hey, its mike.",phoebe,"ooh, that was fast."
mike,"oh, err... no, shes not here yet. you know, i think im just gonna take off and break up with her over the phone...",phoebe,"yeah, you cant do that! oh, come on mike, strap on a pair.why dont you just tell her that we got back together. you know, women appreciate honesty. we also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while. just f.y.i."
mike,one more thing... there... might be a picture of precious on my coffee table.,phoebe,her name is precious? is she a purebreed or did you pick her up at the pound?
mike,"anyway, i just wanna give you a heads up.",phoebe,"okay, oh and you know, if she gets upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snout."
precious,"hi, im precious, who are you?",phoebe,i... im phoebe.
precious,"phoebe? mikes ex-girlfriend phoebe, the love of his life? that phoebe?",phoebe,enchanté
ross,"duh, you think?",phoebe,"okay, bye. alright, so mikes on his way over. see, you thought you guys were meeting here, and he thought you were meeting at the restaurant, so you know... doesnt really matter whos right or wrong. point is... im gonna take off."
precious,"im not letting you leave until you tell me whats going on here. i mean, are you guys getting back together or something?",phoebe,"alright... susie, can i call you susie?"
precious,my name is precious.,phoebe,"yeah, i cant say that. uhm... susie, im gonna be straight with you... mike and i are back together... and uhm... unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. and hes very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours."
precious,i just cant believe this... why?,phoebe,"well, i dont..."
precious,"oh, why would he do this? i mean, whats wrong with me?",phoebe,"nothing, theres nothing wrong with you."
precious,"i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do now?",phoebe,"damn it woman, pull yourself together! have some pride, for the love of god."
precious,i just cant believe that mike didnt give me any warning.,phoebe,"but he didnt really know, you know. he wasnt planning on coming to barbados and proposing to me..."
precious,he proposed to you? this is the worst birthday  ever.,phoebe,"look, precious... mikes not worth this. youre an attractive, intelligent woman and lets face it, mikes kind of a wang. i mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you... he was gonna break-up with you on your birthday? and, i dont like to kiss-and-tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend."
precious,"screw you, mike. youre a coward and a bastard, and i hope you rot in hell.",phoebe,youre welcome!
rachel,hey pheebs?,phoebe,huh?
rachel,"i’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?",phoebe,"sure. yeah, he’s kinda sexy."
rachel,"oh no, no, i’ll be there too.",phoebe,"okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off."
rachel,no phoebe! i just need you there for support. i haven’t told him i’m pregnant yet.,phoebe,oh. why not?
rachel,‘cause i know he’s gonna flip out and i hate it when he’s angry.,phoebe,"oh rachel, this is all so ‘papa don’t preach.’"
rachel,what phoebe? wait! one time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack.,phoebe,"wow! oh well, i will be there!"
rachel,thank you.,phoebe,gosh. i’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby.  oh. hey! who is that guy? i think i know him.
rachel,no you don’t.,phoebe,oh my god!!! monica!! he’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!
chandler,her what?!!,phoebe,your secret bachelorette party…
chandler,you had a bachelorette party?!,phoebe,she untied his g-string with her teeth.  somebody stop me!
dr. green,how about i order everyone the moroccan chicken?,phoebe,"oh, i-i don’t eat meat."
dr. green,it’s chicken.,phoebe,"yeah, i don’t eat that either."
rachel,"in case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.",phoebe,"he’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss."
rachel,"this was such a huge mistake. i can’t tell him phoebe. i can’t, i can’t, i can’t, i can’t…",phoebe,rachel!
rachel,"no it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. i’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.",phoebe,"why, so he can get mad at the baby?"
dr. green,what’s tivo?,phoebe,it’s slang for pregnant.
joey,i’m sorry i gotta cancel tonight baby…,phoebe,"i’m sorry i won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but i’m really busy that day. yeah, i already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah."
rachel,"i know. i know. i panicked, i panicked. i didn’t want him to start yelling at me like i was some ’74 latour.",phoebe,it’s lafite. the ’74 latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
rachel,oh no…,phoebe,"i’d better go. (she goes and sits down in the la-z-boy e-cliner 3000, the chair that sit magazine called chair of the year, and they both look at"
ross,thank you!,phoebe,that’s it?! you call that a fight? come on! we were on a break! no we weren’t! what happened to you two?!
dr. green,…just because you’re not in love with the guy you can’t…,phoebe,"wow, you told your dad the truth."
rachel,about an hour ago.,phoebe,wanna go see a movie?
chandler,"ok, while ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.",phoebe,"um, is, is there any chance that youre rounding up? you know, like from, like 20?"
chandler,but its ross.,phoebe,its ross.
joey,"well i guess i gotta start savin up for rosss birthday, so i guess ill just stay home and eat dust bunnies.",phoebe,can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
joey,"yes! yeah, its like theyre always saying lets go here, lets go there. like we can afford to go here and there.",phoebe,"yes, yes, and its, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? god, and its not like we can say anything about it, cause, like this birthday thing, its for ross."
joey,cool.,phoebe,lets see!
waiter,"well, when you do, just let me know. ill be right over there on the edge of my seat.",phoebe,"wow, look at these prices."
waiter,and for you?,phoebe,"um, im gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care."
ross,"so five of us is, $33.50 apiece.",phoebe,"no, huh uh, no way, im sorry, not gonna happen."
chandler,"whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.",phoebe,"im sorry, monica, im really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? no! rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and joey with his like teeny pizza! its just..."
ross,"ok, pheebs! how bout well each just pay for what we had. its no big deal.",phoebe,not for you.
rachel,"ok, look you guys, i really dont want to get into this right now. i think itll just make everyone uncomfortable.",phoebe,"fine. all right, fine."
chandler,we can talk about that.,phoebe,"well, then...lets."
ross,"hootie and the--oh my. i, i can catch them on the radio.",phoebe,"no, now i feel bad. you wanna go to the concert."
joey,thanks.,phoebe,yeah.
monica,"i dont know, chandler. lets take a look.",phoebe,"oh, its like a skit."
ross,whoo!,phoebe,cool.
monica,"its on us, all right, so dont worry. its our treat.",phoebe,so...thank you.
rachel,"ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big.",phoebe,"actually, it makes us feel that big."
rachel,"ok, we never shoulda talked about this.",phoebe,"im just gonna pass on the concert, cause im just not in a very hootie place right now."
monica,"guys, we bought the tickets.",phoebe,"oh, well, then youll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff."
monica,you know what? youre right.,phoebe,fine.
joey,"come on you guys, one more time.",phoebe,ok. one.
joey,"yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid.",phoebe,"we just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?"
rachel,oh!,phoebe,"oh! i cant believe it. i cant believe this. were just like, sitting at home, trying to guess joeys fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, hey, blowfish, suck on my neck."
monica,"leon, leon. shhh! guys. wait, i dont understand. those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. that was not a kick back. ill just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. what corporate policy? no. yeah. all right. i just got fired.",phoebe,oh.
rachel,right.,phoebe,hi.
joey,look at you. since when do you roller blade?,phoebe,"oh! since tomorrow. i met this really cute guy in the park and he like yknow, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so yknow we made a deal that’s he’s going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff."
ross,and what are you going to do for him?,phoebe,i’m going to let him.
monica,"oh, um, around 8:02. we ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger.",phoebe,"oh, there’s no such thing as an innocent burger."
joey,"how little are they? i mean, are they like scary little?",phoebe,"um, chandler, ross, this is robert."
ross,hey.,phoebe,"you’ve have lipstick right here . that’s okay, it’s mine, we just kissed."
chandler,"i’m up! i’m up, i’ve gotten up now! anybody ah, want anything?",phoebe,i’ll have coffee.
joey,no wonder rachel had to read this so many times.,phoebe,hey!
ross,"hey! how’d the ah, basketball go?",phoebe,"oh, okay, i learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer."
chandler,you mean a three pointer?,phoebe,"oh, i get more because i’m dainty."
robert,"so um, is there a phone here, i can check my messages?",phoebe,"yeah, in the back. you want a quarter?"
robert,"ah, good to meet you. robert.",phoebe,"what?  what? you guys, what is going on? you not like robert?  why are you laughing?!"
ross,calm down. there’s no reason to get testy.,phoebe,you guys!! come on!
chandler,"i’m sorry, i’m sorry, it just seems that robert isn’t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped.",phoebe,what do you mean?
robert,hey.,phoebe,hey.
robert,hey.,phoebe,hey. ooh! don’t sit down!
robert,you ready to go to the batting cage?,phoebe,"yeah. and, first here’s a gift."
robert,"jeez, thank you really that is so nice. but um, to be honest, i don’t think i can wear these, they’re so tight, i feel like i’m on display. i’m sorry.",phoebe,"that’s all right, that’s well, i figured...."
monica,i love this friend thing!,phoebe,"listen, robert’s gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him?"
ross,oh.,phoebe,"please, right now, no, every time i see him it’s like ‘is it on the lose?’ ‘is it watching me?’"
robert,hey!,phoebe,hey.
robert,"so are ready for the gym? they’ve got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.",phoebe,"no, i can spot you from here."
robert,what?,phoebe,"okay, listen robert..."
chandler,"yeah, we got, um-hmm.",phoebe,"umm, i think you’re really, really great..."
robert,oh god! here we go again. why does this keep happening to me?  is it something i’m putting out there? is this my fault? or am i just nuts?,phoebe,"i-i-i-i-i don’t know, i don’t know what to say."
joey,pheebs! pheebs! ross wants to kiss you at midnight!,phoebe,"its so obvious, why doesnt he just ask?"
ross,"happy new year, pheebs!",phoebe,you too!
ross,everyday i am gonna do one thing that i havent done before. that my friends is my new years resolution.,phoebe,ooh! thats a good one! mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
chandler,"thats good one too, pheebs. now all you have to do is find a planeload of people whos resolution is to plummet to their deaths.",phoebe,"maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to europe for free on their own plane."
ross,ohh.,phoebe,really?! how come?
joey,"well, yknow those special skills i have listed on my resume? i would love it would be great if one of those was true.",phoebe,do you want me to teach you? im a great teacher.
joey,really? who-who have you taught?,phoebe,"well, i taught me and i love me."
ross,"hi, pheebs!",phoebe,hey!
ross,"oh-oh, guess what? i-i have a date with elizabeth  hornswoggle.",phoebe,"hornswoggle?  ooh, this must be killing you."
joey,"see ya! all right pheebs, i am ready for my first lesson.",phoebe,"okay.  oh no-no-no, you dont touch the guitar! first you learn here,  then you learn here."
joey,"umm, okay.",phoebe,"okay, lesson one: chords. now, i dont know the actual names of the chords but umm, i-i-i made up names for the way my hand looks while im doing them. (she"
chandler,"what an interesting approach to guitar instruction. yknow some might find it amusing, i myself find it regular.",phoebe,"hey everybody, rachel was so good today. she didnt gossip at all."
joey,"hey, pheebs! check-check this out.",phoebe,"ooh, you nailed the old lady!"
joey,"yeah listen so, i thought i was getting better, so on my way home today i stopped by this guitar store and…",phoebe,"did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? did you?!"
joey,no.,phoebe,give me your hands.  strings. gimme it!  pick. do you want to learn to play guitar?
joey,yes!,phoebe,then dont touch one!!
ross,oh my god!,phoebe,"tiger!  dragon! iceberg!!  joseph, did you even study at all last night?"
joey,"yes! yes, i did.",phoebe,then do iceberg!
joey,g-sharp.,phoebe,g-sharp? have you been studying the real names of the chords?  have you?  oh my god!
joey,what?! i didnt touch a guitar!,phoebe,"no, but youre questioning my method!"
monica,thank you.,phoebe,yknow none of my other student thought i was stupid.
joey,"your other student, was you!",phoebe,"yeah, well, yknow maybe you just need to try a little harder!"
joey,"look, maybe i need to try a real teacher! right here! here! andy cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, theres a nice picture of him with a little kid and the kids got a guitar!!!!!!",phoebe,"fine! you go learn from your qualified instructor! but dont come crying to me when everyones sick and tired of hearing you play bad, bad leroy brown!!"
rachel,baddest man in the whole damn town.,phoebe,"oh, fine! take his side!"
joey,"hey, pheebs?",phoebe,"no, i cant talk to you! i dont have a fancy ad in the yellow pages!"
joey,"look, pheebs, i just, i wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. and-and i promise, i wont touch a guitar until you say im ready.  you really think im ready?",phoebe,uh-huh!
joey,was the chord at least right…,phoebe,no!
monica,"see? ben doesnt think youre a loser, he thinks youre a cowboy! now thats something.",phoebe,yeah!
chandler,"oh yeah, me too. yknow if this shirt is dirty.  yep.",phoebe,"okay, im gonna go too. im gonna go to the airport. i figure if i hang around there long enough, someones bound to leave one of those planes unattended."
rachel,"good luck, honey!",phoebe,bye!
joey and rachel,hey!,phoebe,hey! its raining. i dont want to fly in the rain. so…
rachel,"ohhh, yeah, me too.",phoebe,thats weird.  i bet theyre doing it. ending credits
chandler,"oh good, okay, i cant take it anymore. i cant take it anymore. so you win, okay? here!  pheebs? flying a jet? better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! and ross, phone call for you today, tom jones, he wants his pants back! and hornswoggle? what are you dating a character from fraggile rock?!",phoebe,"ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. ugly naked guy is decorating his tree. oh my god, you should see the size of his christmas balls."
monica,"honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.",phoebe,"its not a blue screen... its just, maybe it was just really clear that day. ok,"
grandmother,"it was your mothers idea. ya know, she didnt want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, i didnt want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. not impossible, but harder.",phoebe,"alright, so, what, hes not a famous tree surgeon? and then, i guess, ok, he doesnt live in a hut in burma where theres no phones?"
rachel,"ok, youre whiney, you are, youre obsessive, you are insecure, youre, youre gutless, you know, you dont ever, you dont just sort of seize the day, you know. you like me for what, a year, you didnt do anything about it. and, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.",phoebe,"yeah, um, in albany, can i have the number of frank buffay. . . ok, um, in ithica. . . alright, um, saratoga. . . oneonta. alright, you know what, you shouldnt call youself"
chandler,"hey, dont worry. i figure itll be 2 hours to phoebes dads house, theyll meet, theyll chat, theyll swap life stories, well still have plenty of time.",phoebe,"oh, no no, that side doesnt have one, the paramedics had to cut through it."
ross,"excuse me, im seizing. mr. treeger, heres another 50, happy hanukkah. will uh, will this help with the knob getting?",phoebe,"no, its just like, ya know, its a whole mess of stuff, ya know. its like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now hes a, a pharmacist guy and. . ."
joey,"uh, listen phoebs, i know youre not goin in there but do you think itd be alright if i went in and used his bathroom? oh, thats fine, never mind. cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.",phoebe,"yeah, yeah, no its ok cause, i mean, i know hes there, so, thats enough for now."
ross,"no. no, i didn’t. i didn’t want to be that guy.",phoebe,hello!
chandler,ho! ho! ho!,phoebe,excuse me.
chandler,your pants!,phoebe,"oh, yeah! you like ‘em? i just, i went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. these are sooo comfortable!"
joey,"uhh, pheebs, those are uh, those are santa pants.",phoebe,what?
chandler,santa pants.  santa claus’s pants.,phoebe,"nuh-uh! they’re maternity pants. they even came with a list of baby names.  see, these names are good, and these names are bad.  ohh."
rachel,"so—hey, pheebs! so, how are the elves?",phoebe,"i don’t know! how are the-the-the-the, y’know—you’re clothes aren’t funny."
rachel,just give us our apartment back!,phoebe,boy! i didn’t see that coming!
chandler,"okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.",phoebe,that’s too hard. too hard!
joey,"yeah, the knicks rule all!",phoebe,"hey, so? are you gonna do it?"
joey,"ooh, we could end up with nothing.",phoebe,or you could end up with everything.
joey,all right!,phoebe,"ooh, this is so exciting! ooh, god, what are you going to bet?"
rachel,"oh, okay, well, i think we should let phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty.",phoebe,"okay. umm, ooh, ooh—oh, i have a game!"
chandler,okay!,phoebe,this is great!
joey,what’s the game?! what’s the game?!,phoebe,"oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, phoebeball! no, it doesn’t have a name. umm, okay, monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?"
monica,they’re green?,phoebe,good! good! five points!
joey,"uhh, they’re tall.",phoebe,"ooh, three points. both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy."
chandler,"fine, let’s do it.",phoebe,"oh, i have cards!"
monica,"oh, good.",phoebe,"yeah! here!  oh no, these are the trick deck. okay. here yes. okay."
joey,"yeah! okay.  phoebe, you look, i can’t.",phoebe,what make you think i can?!
monica,"no! ace is low! ace, two, three, four!",phoebe,i don’t know. ooh! ooh! look it! ah-ha!
rachel,we took our apartment back!!,phoebe,"i had nothing to do with it.  okay, it was my idea, but i don’t feel good about it."
rachel,yeah! can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?,phoebe,"that’s so funny to think if you’d just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all."
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"okay, scarf’s done."
chandler,okay!,phoebe,hey!
ross,"uhh, okay, it’s uh, emily and i, we decided to uh, to get married.",phoebe,"what? oh, are you pregnant too?!"
joey,hey!,phoebe,"oh! joey uh, were you in our room last night?"
ross,in-in three minutes.,phoebe,hey!
monica,hey!,phoebe,are you gonna open the presents without chandler?
monica,"no!  but, they’re callin’ out to me! i mean this little guy  even crawled up into my lap. oh come on, chandler wouldn’t mind if i opened just one present! what do you think it is?",phoebe,a little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
monica,a tiny salt shaker!!!,phoebe,ohhh! my god! for tiny salt!
monica,oh wow! okay. well that was fun.,phoebe,oh yeah.
monica,"good. okay, i’m just gonna wait for chandler to open the rest of them.",phoebe,okay.
monica,"whew. although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. i mean… i guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. what do you think?",phoebe,"well i guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. y’know, it’s probably this one."
monica,no! joey and ross don’t know anything and chandler still thinks that phoebe’s pregnant.,phoebe,"yeah that’s right chandler does still think i’m pregnant. he hasn’t asked me how i’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. boy, i feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.  after you of course."
rachel,"don’t worry i promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause i’m going to tell the father today.",phoebe,"ooh, is it someone in this building? is it that tall guy from the first floor?"
rachel,ew! no!,phoebe,what?! i think he’s cute.
rachel,well then you have his baby.,phoebe,believe me i’m trying.
monica,"wow. y’know it is so weird. i mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen.",phoebe,"yeah. you’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. you’re like ed mcmahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism."
rachel,"yeah. uh-huh, i guess it is pretty big news.",phoebe,"pretty big? it’s huge! god, this guy doesn’t have a clue! he’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘i had sex with rachel green. i rock!’ then bam! he’s a father and everything’s different."
rachel,"well it’s only different if he wants it to be. i mean, i’m not gonna ask him for anything.",phoebe,"okay. then he still has this huge decision to make. now he’s walking around thinking, ‘do i want to be a dad?’ and then bam!"
monica,what was that bam?,phoebe,i don’t. he got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.
joey,oh. why would you scare me like that? what the hell is going on? is somebody pregnant?,phoebe,oh yeah. that’s me.
joey,oh my god pheebs! you’re gonna have a baby?,phoebe,"yes. yes i am. oh my god, i’m gonna have a baby!"
joey,"whoa, wait a minute. who’s the father?",phoebe,you don’t know him. it’s not important. he wants nothing to do with me or the baby.
joey,well who is this guy?! huh? who is he? ‘cause i will track him down and kick his ass!,phoebe,david lynn.
monica,who’s david lynn?,phoebe,oh some guy from my gym. a little annoying.
ross,hmm.,phoebe,"hey! ooh, did you do it yet?"
rachel,not yet.,phoebe,"oh, well what are you doing here? are you about to do it?  is it gunther?"
rachel,"no! phoebe, it’s not gunther.",phoebe,"thank god, ‘cause that hair on a baby…"
rachel,phoebe the father is not here okay? i haven’t told him yet and i don’t think i can tell him at all now!,phoebe,why not?
rachel,"i don’t know, let me think. i was walking down the street thinking, ‘i’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam!",phoebe,bus?
rachel,"no, you! phoebe you freaked me out. you kept saying how huge this all is!",phoebe,well-well but it is huge.
rachel,"i know, but i was just thinking about how huge this is for me. i didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.",phoebe,"you’re thinking about this way too much. just tell him and get it over with. it’s like, it’s like ripping off this band-aid.  quick and painless, watch.  oh mother of…see?"
joey,okay.,phoebe,hey.
joey,"oh good, uh you’re here. uh pheebs? listen uh sit down. i-i got something i want to say.",phoebe,all right.
monica,oh my god! joey!,phoebe,hell yeah! i’ll marry you!
monica,you can’t marry him!,phoebe,"hey lady, your day’s over! it’s my turn!"
joey,why?! why can’t she marry me?!,phoebe,i can and i will!
joey,oh my god.,phoebe,hey!
monica,phoebe i think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months!,phoebe,it’s joey!
joey,now i can’t believe it! what? rachel’s pregnant?  who’s the father?,phoebe,we don’t know.
joey,yeah.,phoebe,who? who is it?
joey,"about a month ago this guy spent the night with rachel, i didn’t see who it was but…",phoebe,was that story over?
joey,the guy left this.,phoebe,oh my god! i know who the father is…
chandler,who are you? ansel adams?! get outta here!,phoebe,"look, i feel really bad about how i freaked you out before, so i called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. go!"
rachel,"what? hey wait a minute! phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?",phoebe,"i may play the fool at times, but i’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit.  i believe this belongs to the father of your baby."
rachel,"oh god… oh, he’s in there right now?",phoebe,uh-huh. now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the band-aid off. what to you want to do?
rachel,"uh, let’s rip!",phoebe,really? are you sure?
rachel,oh phoebe!,phoebe,"okay, sorry. yeah."
tag,"so, what’s this about?",phoebe,"rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, i believe that this is your red sweater."
tag,no.  this is my red sweater.,phoebe,oh no. could i get anyone a coffee or…poison? no? just for me? okay.
monica,what?!,phoebe,what?!!
joey,"pheebs, give me the ring back!",phoebe,no!!
rachel,"now, if you will excuse me i am going to go and lie down.",phoebe,i can’t say that didn’t hurt. but i’ll take you back joey tribbiani.
joey,"uh yeah. pheebs, listen about that. i only offered…",phoebe,ooh! a salami buddy!
ross,"well, i’m gonna go get these in some water.",phoebe,wait you stole those from these people’s wedding?
joey,"yeah, right.",phoebe,"okay, and then this is the coffee house. this is where i play my music."
vince,good deal.,phoebe,"yeah, and these are my friends. people. this is vince, vince the people."
vince,hey!,phoebe,vince is a fireman.
vince,"look, i gotta go. im on call tonight.  see you saturday.",phoebe,okay.
rachel,"wow, hes cute, pheebs! but i thought you just started dating that kindergarten teacher.",phoebe,"oh, jason? yeah, uh-huh, were seeing each other tonight."
rachel,what-pheebs?! two dates in one day? thats so unlike you.,phoebe,"i know, i know! im like playing the field. yknow? like, juggling two guys, im sowing my wild oats. yknow? yknow, this kindve like yknow oat-sowin, field-playin juggler."
joey,"so pheebs, do they know about each other?",phoebe,"does a dogs lips move when he reads?  okay, no they dont."
jason,"...and i know ill never miss doing it, but i gotta tell you, its pretty cool knowing that youre making a difference in a kids life.",phoebe,"that is so great! oh, i...  oh my god!"
jason,whoa!,phoebe,oh my god!!!
jason,"ahh-ahh, wed better call the fire department!",phoebe,no! no!
jason,"no, no?",phoebe,"well, we dont n-n-n-n-need a fireman, wed, wed like a good mechanic.  oh my god, here they come! well, we gotta get out of here!"
jason,w-w-w-wait! why?!,phoebe,"well look, if i wanted to see a fireman, i would date one. okay?"
joey,"or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.",phoebe,"…and i-i cant take it! yknow? im just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. its making me crazy."
rachel,"well honey, then why dont you break up with one of them?",phoebe,uh.
joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa. what ah, what happened to playing the field?",phoebe,"well, it just, it doesnt feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. its like im working in the field."
monica,yeah. which one do you like more?,phoebe,"well, vince is great, yknow `cause, hes like a guy, guy. yknow? hes so burly, hes sooo very burly."
joey,"okay, good, so there you go. go with vince.",phoebe,"yeah, but jasons really sensitive."
chandler,"well sensitive is important, pick him.",phoebe,yeah.
joey,"oh sure, go with the sissy.",phoebe,jason is not a sissy!
rachel,this place is amazing.,phoebe,"god, that is the nicest kitchen."
monica,i know.,phoebe,"no! but its the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day."
rachel,"oh please, what do you know! you married a lesbian!",phoebe,all right. i gotta go. i have break up with vince.
chandler,"oh, so you’re going with the teacher, huh?",phoebe,"yeah, i like vince a lot, yknow? but, it’s just jason’s so sensitive, yknow? and in the long run, i think sensitive it’s just better than having just like a really, really, really nice  butt.   jason! definitely jason! okay, wish me luck!"
rachel,"oh my god!!!  sorry, i was just imagining what it’d be like to catch the money bouquet.",phoebe,"excuse me. umm, is vince here?"
vince,yo!!,phoebe,wow! i didn’t know you guys actually used those.
vince,"so, what’s up?",phoebe,"umm, wow. this-this isn’t gonna be easy. umm, i don’t think we should see each other anymore."
vince,uh-huh. g-good deal.,phoebe,i’m sorry.
vince,"no-no it’s okay. it’s just that ah, i thought we had something pretty special here. and yknow i-i felt like you were someone i could finally open up to, and…  that there’s so much in me i have to share with you yet.",phoebe,"oh my god, i didn’t…"
vince,"i’m sorry, i can’t talk. i’m gonna go write in my journal.",phoebe,wait-wait-wait! wait!!
rachel,"yes, and i know that you’d say no if he asked you, but i’m sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this donna carin.",phoebe,"oh, you so would! oh, you should get that anyway.  like for clubbing."
monica,i know.  i need more pie.,phoebe,"hey mon umm, if you do get married, can i bring two guests?"
rachel,you didn’t break up with that fireman?,phoebe,"no, that was my way of telling you. well, it turns out he’s incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. he even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me."
rachel,wow!,phoebe,"yeah, well he’d prefer water colors, but yknow, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal."
monica,"so then, are you going to dump jason?",phoebe,"well, yeah, because i have to break up with someone, and… okay so jason is sensitive,  but now so’s vince  plus, vince has the body yknow?  so… it’s really just about the math."
jason,"so phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?",phoebe,nah-ha!
monica,my parents will be so happy.,phoebe,"“crazy underwear, creepin’ up my butt.  crazy underwear, always in a rut. crazy under--wear…”  oh no! what is he doing here? all right, just keep playing, just keep playing. you’ll get through this; you’ll be fine.   okay, thank you. and, as always no one talk to me after the show."
jason,hey. i was…,phoebe,hey!
vince,whoa! hey-hey! what’s going on here? who is this guy?,phoebe,"i don’t know, he just started kissing me. get him! get him, vince!"
jason,what?!,phoebe,"yeah, okay, i’ve-i’ve been dating both of you, and it’s been really horrible. ‘cause yknow it’s been a lot of fun, for me. umm, but i-i like you both, and i, and i didn’t know how to chose, so... i’m sorry, i’m just, i’m terrible, i’m a terrible person. i’m terrible."
jason,"yeah, and neither did we. give yourself a break.",phoebe,really?!
jason,you have?,phoebe,"well, this is none of my business."
jason,i-i can’t believe this! you-you’ve slept with him?!,phoebe,"well, i made you a candle light dinner in the park."
jason,"yknow phoebe, i’m gonna make this real easy for you.",phoebe,"well, that could’ve been really awkward."
vince,you made him a candle light dinner in the park?,phoebe,"yeah, but i-i-i-i can do that for you, i’m gonna do that for you."
ross,"hey, you’re not going to believe this. i made up a joke and sent it in to playboy. they printed it!",phoebe,i didn’t know playboy prints jokes.
joey,not so much.,phoebe,hey.
monica,it’s only you.,phoebe,wh-wh-what are you doing?
rachel,we are looking at a playboy.,phoebe,"oh, i want to look too! . yikes!"
monica,"well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that.",phoebe,"oh, yeah. aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?"
monica,me neither.,phoebe,rachel.
monica,what?!,phoebe,i don’t know.  me neither.
monica,"nothing, i’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day.  remember, when you picked rachel over me? that was funny.",phoebe,i guess it was kinda funny.
monica,it wasn’t funny at all! why would you do that? why didn’t you pick me?,phoebe,fine. the reason that i was leaning a little bit more toward rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—okay let’s go to lunch!
monica,"that is completely untrue. you think i’m high maintenance? okay, prove it. i want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point!",phoebe,"no, okay, you’re right. you’re easy-going. you’re just not as easy-going as rachel. she’s just more flexible and-and mellow. that’s all."
rachel,"well, people are different.",phoebe,"ya, you know, rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. y’know, you can just walk all over her."
rachel,"what? wait a minute. what are you saying, that i’m a pushover? i’m not a pushover.",phoebe,"oh, okay,  you’re not a pushover."
rachel,phoebe. we would like to talk to you for a second.,phoebe,okay.
monica,hah!,phoebe,"that true, i am flaky."
rachel,"so, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?",phoebe,"yeah, totally."
rachel,"yeah, and i am okay with being a pushover.",phoebe,that’s great. good for you guys.
rachel,i am not a pushover!,phoebe,who said you were?
monica and rachel,you did!,phoebe,"oh, i’m flaky. i’ll say anything."
rachel,"wow, you know what? that is the best fake speech i think i’ve ever heard.",phoebe,really? i’ve heard better.
monica,"phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because i have the best boyfriend.",phoebe,"y’know, suddenly i find you very attractive."
joey,"not good, no. i didn’t get the part, and i lost my job here, so …",phoebe,wow! that is a bad audition.
rachel,"yeah, pretty nice, huh? now who’s a pushover?",phoebe,"rach, you’re in my seat."
rachel,"oh, i’m sorry. ending credits",phoebe,"hey, i never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend."
rachel,"oh, yeah. definitely you, pheebs.",phoebe,"yeah, well, i kinda thought."
joey,"how you got three women to marry you, i’ll never know.",phoebe,hey!
rachel,"hey! hey, pheebs, check it out. yeah, for my desert, i have chosen to make a traditional english truffle!",phoebe,"wow, that sounds great! and what are you making monica, in case"
ross,"some would say she’s attractive, yes.",phoebe,and who else is going to be there?
monica,"you’re not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you’re gonna eat here!",phoebe,"yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very thanksgivingy."
mr. geller,my joke wasn’t funny.,phoebe,"rach, rach, i just remembered. i had a dream about mr. geller last night."
rachel,really?!,phoebe,"yeah, i dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! and it’s making me look at him totally differently. y’know, i mean he used to be just, y’know “jack geller monica and ross’s dad” and now he’s he’s “jack geller, dream hunk."
joey,still not hot enough!,phoebe,rachel?
rachel,yeah?,phoebe,"okay, look at him. look at those strong hands. oh what i wouldn’t give to be that can of  condensed milk."
monica,"dad, please don’t pick your teeth out here! alright, and if you’re gonna put your feet up, why don’t you sit on the-",phoebe,"monica, leave him alone!"
rachel,"no, i’m just kidding i would never do that to you! okay, everybody, it’s trifle time!",phoebe,"so, now, rach, this is a traditional english trifle, isn’t it?"
rachel,it sure is.,phoebe,wow. so then did you make it with beef or eggplant?
rachel,beef.,phoebe,i can’t have any. you know i don’t eat meat.  ohhh no.
chandler,"yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it.",phoebe,"rachel, come here.  okay, i was just starting to take my thanksgiving nap, and i had another dream about jack."
rachel,"oh, phoebe, do i wanna hear this?",phoebe,"i dunno, let’s see! so, okay, i dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. and, um, so okay, i went to a night club, and i saw him making out with a girl."
rachel,"oh my god, he dream-cheated on you!",phoebe,"yeah, but then jacques cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! it was soo cool! then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen."
mr. geller,"boy, i’m glad i wore the big belt today.",phoebe,"five minutes ago, a line like that would’ve floored me. now nothing. well, not nothing, i am still a woman."
monica,ross married rachel in vegas! and got divorced! again!!!!,phoebe,i love jacques cousteau!
joey,"nope, got it and i got yours  too.",phoebe,"yeah, i met him when i was playing guitar in washington square park. ryan threw in salt water taffy cause he didnt have any change."
monica,its gonna be ok. ryans been under water. hes just gonna be so glad that you dont have barnicles on your butt.,phoebe,"cause my, my grandmothers never had chicken pox. please, please tell me you have, cause oh my god, i forgot how cute you are."
ryan,"if i had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when i was 7, when jimmy hauser had the chicken pox. i would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.",phoebe,"and you hate fish. oh. thats so sweet, alright. ok, alright, you can see. this is"
ryan,"sorry, the lightning. lightning was an unfortunate incidence. you look lovely, lovely.",phoebe,"i hate this. cause i tell you, i had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything i had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this."
joey,"yeah. joseph and his wife, karen, are thinking of having a third kid... ya know what? just did.",phoebe,"uhh, i cant stop thinking about it. its just so hard. i just wanna grab all"
richard,"ok, i have to sleep on the west side because i grew up in california and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.",phoebe,"i know. we didnt do any of the romantic things i had planned, like having a picnic at central park and ya know, coffee at central perk. oh i"
mike,thank you guys for having us over.,phoebe,"oh! yeah, this is fun, couples night."
ross,"try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh.... my tenure review board met today and i hear its looking really good.",phoebe,wow!
monica,i dont know who im happiest for...,phoebe,"i do, hes been working on that all day!"
monica,"no, no. it felt nice to acknowledge this.",phoebe,where did you go to do it?
mike,here you go.,phoebe,"thanks! honey, would you want me to take your name?"
mike,"oh, its just... its up to you. its your name. youve got to live with it.",phoebe,"all right, lets see, call me mrs hannigan."
chandler,mrs hannigan?,phoebe,"what? cant you see im in the middle of something? ooh, i like it."
monica,see you guys later.,phoebe,okay!
monica,ill pick you up at eleven. so glad youre coming.,phoebe,good for you. that was really mature.
mike,youre a strange kind of grown-up.,phoebe,"joey, you cant make someone do something they dont want to do. believe me, theres something ive been trying to get mike to do in bed and theres... hes just..."
mike,woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... can we not talk about that right now?,phoebe,"all right, prude... look, monica and chandler really love this house. you are not gonna talk them into staying here."
mr campbell,thats hugo boss?,phoebe,this place is so depressing. if i had to work here id kill myself.  but you obviously havent.
clerk,how can i help you?,phoebe,"i need to change my name, please. see, i need to change it because im-im hiding from the law.  youre fun."
clerk,you need to fill out this form.,phoebe,"okay, well, i just dont, i dont know how it works exactly. see, my name is buffay and my husbands name is hannigan, so is it supposed to be buffay-hannigan or hannigan-buffay?"
clerk,it can be anything you want.,phoebe,"well, not anything, i mean..."
clerk,yeah... anything.,phoebe,"oh, this could take a while."
clerk,get out of my line.,phoebe,okay.
monica,hey pheebs.,phoebe,"oh, not anymore. i changed it today."
monica,"oh, im sorry, mrs hannigan.",phoebe,"wrong again! apparently you can change it to anything you want. so i thought, all right, heres an opportunity to be creative. so meet princess consuela banana hammock."
monica,phoebe!,phoebe,uh! princess consuela.
monica,you seriously changed your name to that?,phoebe,uh-huh!
monica,"okay, so from now on we have to call you princess consuela?",phoebe,"uhm, no. im gonna have my friends call me valerie."
chandler,that is a bad interview.,phoebe,"what are you, what are you talking about? how did this happen?"
ross,"hey! wha-hoo! whats this?  well its a, its a bottle of champagne. why is this here?",phoebe,ross...
ross,"oh, you know what? youre gonna get it. i-i-i-i can feel it.",phoebe,can you?
ross,and-and to years of hard work finally paying off.,phoebe,and to knowing that your career doesnt mean everything.
ross,you know what the best part about this is? i can never be fired.,phoebe,oh god!
mike,hey,phoebe,welcome back!
mike,ah! i missed you,phoebe,"oh, me too!"
mike,"so, whats new?",phoebe,"well, im no longer phoebe buffay."
mike,thats great! you changed you name?,phoebe,yes i did! meet: princess consuela banana hammock!
mike,youre kidding right?,phoebe,nope.
mike,you really did that?,phoebe,yep.
mike,"yeah, but you cant do that.",phoebe,"why? its fun, its different, no-one else has a name like it."
mike,"alright, then im gonna change my name.",phoebe,"great, okay, what are you gonna change it to?"
mike,crap bag.,phoebe,mike crap bag?
mike,"no, no mike, just crap bag. first name crap, last name bag.",phoebe,"youre not serious, right?"
mike,"yeah, im serious.  its fun, its different and no-one else has a name like that!",phoebe,"uhu, uhu, well, then, great. if you love it, i love it."
mike,"i do love it, and i love your name. i love princess consuela.",phoebe,and i love crap.
mike,"after you, miss banana hammock.",phoebe,"thank you, mister bag."
woman,"oh hey, how are you?",phoebe,"oh hi rita! good!  oh, ritas a massage client."
mike,oh! why dont you introduce me?,phoebe,"er, rita, this is my husband."
rita,oh!,phoebe,yeah.
mike,why dont you tell her my name?,phoebe,"okay, i will.  this is my husband crap bag."
rita,okay. excuse me...,phoebe,"yeah... ogh... okay, fine. you made your point. can you please just be mike hannigan again?"
mike,only if youll be phoebe buffay.,phoebe,how about uhm... how about buffay-hannigan?
mike,really?,phoebe,yeah. im phoebe buffay-hannigan banana hammock.
mike,do you even know what a banana hammock is?,phoebe,its a funny word.
mike,its a speedo.,phoebe,...oh crap!
chandler,"oh yeah, dana keystone. she was in my movement class.",phoebe,what’s a movement class?
rachel,"oh my god! oh my god! thank you!  that was the fire department, there was a fire at our place!",phoebe,oh my god! how bad was it?
ross,"oh! so-so seriously, what time?",phoebe,coming through!  oh! coming through!  oh! hello! hi!  no! right! coming through!
fireman #1,"yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms.",phoebe,oh!
joey,"oh, how bad is it?",phoebe,"oh, it’s bad. it’s really bad. the only thing in there that isn’t burned is an ass. which i do not remember buying!"
fireman #1,"well uh, do either of you smoke?",phoebe,"no, not usually. but yeah, i could use one right now."
fireman #1,"no-no-no, do you uh light candles? burn incense?",phoebe,yes! i do! all the time! i love them! oh my god! i did it! it’s me! it’s me! i burned down the house! i burned down the house!
monica,"i know! now look, there’s only one problem though. there’s only room for one, so i guess one of you will have to stay at joey’s.",phoebe,"well, since the fire was kinda my fault i guess  you should get to stay here."
rachel,"hey! hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault pheebs. okay? it was an accident.",phoebe,"well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room."
joey,this right here is where i keep the pizza.  and uh that’s where the napkin is.,phoebe,what’s that smell?
ross,burt!,phoebe,so did you sleep well last night?
rachel,i did.,phoebe,yeah?
rachel,"i did, monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow.",phoebe,y’know what joey left on my pillow?
rachel,what?,phoebe,gum!
fireman #2,"well, we determined the cause of the fire.",phoebe,"yeah i know, it was my candle. my candle!"
fireman #2,"no, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. it’s looks like a curling iron.",phoebe,i don’t use a curling iron.
monica,now there you go! i wouldn’t want my best guest to strain her eyes!,phoebe,thanks monica!
monica,does that smell bother you?,phoebe,"what the smell from joey’s? no, i can hardly smell it over here."
monica,"well you let me know if you can, because y’know i can bake a pie to cover it.",phoebe,"i can smell it a little, bake the pie."
monica,okay!,phoebe,okay.
monica,"hello?  oh yes, one minute please.  it’s for you. it’s the fire inspector.",phoebe,oh!  hello?  yeah this is phoebe. really?!
monica,hey! how’s it goin’?,phoebe,"well, not much has changed in the last five minutes."
monica,yes it has! i made cookies!,phoebe,oh that’s all right. i’m still full from your homemade potato chips.
monica,but you should eat them now because they’re hot from the oven.,phoebe,okay.
monica,"oh-ho! but not in here! can’t eat ‘em in bed, remember? no crumbies!",phoebe,"okay, i’ll be out in a second."
monica,what are you doing?,phoebe,that doesn’t lock does it?
chandler,okay. okay.  what are you gonna do to me if you get the part?,phoebe,hey! hi!
rachel,hi!,phoebe,"listen umm, yeah okay, i need to talk to you!"
rachel,uh-huh.,phoebe,"now i know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but i think i’m partly at fault. you see, i didn’t, i didn’t tell you but umm, but i-i had recently refilled the tissues and so y’know let’s just face it, that’s just kindling! so i think it’s better that i stay at joey’s."
rachel,"no, no-no-no. phoebe, this was my fault and besides y’know what? i’m fine here.",phoebe,"okay. oh umm, chandler, monica is looking for you."
chandler,really?,phoebe,yeah she said something about crumbies.
chandler,no! no! no! i was so careful!,phoebe,"okay, you have to switch with me! monica is driving me crazy!"
rachel,"no! no! phoebe, come on! i don’t want to switch! please come on! i can throw wet paper towels here!",phoebe,no but at monica’s you can eat cookies over the sink!
rachel,i know. i’m sorry.,phoebe,all right fine! this looks like so much fun.
joey,yeah.,phoebe,"god, what a mess."
rachel,hey pheebs.,phoebe,hey!
rachel,any sign of your brother?,phoebe,"no, but he’s always late."
rachel,i thought you only met him once?,phoebe,"yeah, i did. i think it sounds yknow big sistery, yknow, ‘frank’s always late.’"
rachel,"well relax, he’ll be here.",phoebe,"no, i know, i’m just nervous. yknow it’s just yknow mom’s dead, don’t talk to my sister, grandma’s been sleeping a lot lately. it’s like the last desperate chance to have a family, yknow, kinda thing. you’re so sweet to wait with me."
chandler,what a geek!,phoebe,everbody this is frank! this is my half-brother frank.
all,"oh, hi.",phoebe,this is everybody. this is ross.
ross,hey.,phoebe,chandler.
frank,hi.,phoebe,joey.
frank,hey.,phoebe,this is monica.
frank,whoa!,phoebe,and this is rachel.
frank,whoa!!,phoebe,i’m gonna get coffee.
rachel,"well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?",phoebe,"oh yeah! yeah, no, we’re gonna connect, yknow bond, and everything."
monica,"you know that’s nice, yknow we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!",phoebe,"oh, ew!"
frank,what?,phoebe,"yeah i know what i wanted to ask you. um, can you roll your tongue? because i can, and my mom couldn’t, and i thought yknow, i figured that was something i got from our dad."
frank,"what, wait, you mean like this?",phoebe,"yeah, yeah. you can do it to."
frank,your not doing it.,phoebe,"oh right, yeah okay, my mom could, and i can’t. we don’t have that...."
frank,when’s your birthday?,phoebe,feburary 16th.
frank,i know a guy who’s the 18th.,phoebe,"wow, that’s close. when’s yours?"
frank,october 25th.,phoebe,"that’s the same month as halloween. so, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?"
rachel,"yeah, ‘cause that’s why you won’t get isabella rosselini, geography.",phoebe,"okay so, by melting, you meant melting."
frank,yeah.,phoebe,so is it like art?
frank,"yeah, you can melt art. hey, can i use your phone?",phoebe,"um, yeah sure. why you wanna call your mom?"
frank,"no, i wanna melt it.",phoebe,"oh, well um, not right now. yknow i’m just gonna go to bed, i think the fumes are giving me a headache."
frank,yeah!,phoebe,"g’night, bro."
frank,g’night.,phoebe,"here.  yknow, just in case."
monica,what kind of karate is that?,phoebe,no kind. he just makes it up.
monica,so how’s it going with you guys?,phoebe,"so far, it kinda blows. i don’t know, i just thought yknow that he’d feel more like a brother yknow, like you and ross, just like close and connected and...."
monica,"oh honey, we’re close now but you-you wouldn’t believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and.... that’s where the waistband actually goes over your head.",phoebe,ah!!
monica,"oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.",phoebe,"oh, how do you play the shadow game?"
monica,"oh, how do you play the shadow game?",phoebe,i just asked you.
monica,i just asked you.,phoebe,i don’t have time for this.
monica,"no, that is what the game is.",phoebe,which you just gave up really quickly.
chandler,he started mine first!,phoebe,"build the unit cinderelly, lay the tile cinderelly."
frank,whoa! big octopus.,phoebe,"yeah.  ‘hello.  oh my god, i totally forgot!  well can’t someone else do it.  but, i have company.  yeah, no look, that’s all right i’ll come in.’  um, frank, i’m really sorry but i have to go to work. it’s-it’s one of my regulars and he’s insisting that i do ‘um."
frank,"hey, what kind of work do you do?",phoebe,oh! i’m a masseuse. i give people massages and stuff.
frank,you-you work at one of those massage parlors?,phoebe,"well, yknow we don’t call it that, but yeah!"
frank,"wow! that’s wild! no, i had no idea.",phoebe,all righty. i’ll be back in-in a little bit. unless you wanna come with me?
frank,you mean like watch?,phoebe,"no, no, you can get one yourself. it’ll be on the house! yknow what are big sisters for?"
frank,"well, i don’t think this, yknow.",phoebe,"no, no, no, i wouldn’t do you myself, i mean that would be weird. yeah, no, i’ll get one of the other girls to do it. oh, this will be so much fun! hey! are you excited?"
frank,"ow!-ow!-ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! yknow, ow!",phoebe,hey!-hey! what’s going on?
phoebe and girl,ewww!!!,phoebe,you can’t have sex with her!
frank,"no, your a masseuse, it’s cool, i’m not a cop.",phoebe,"okay, jasmine, can you, can you ask mr. whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes."
jasmine,fine.  i don’t like you!!,phoebe,so that’s what you thought i did!! god! that’s not what i do!
frank,"wait that’s-that’s, what that’s not what you do?",phoebe,nooo! why would you think that?
frank,"i don’t know, i mean, yknow, this is the city yknow, i just, i mean, i don’t know.",phoebe,"whatever, it’s the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways."
frank,"oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and i can’t believe that i screwed it up so bad.",phoebe,you really thought it was perfect?
frank,"well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but yknow it was pretty cool, yknow, ‘cause we had all those great talks yknow.",phoebe,"yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?"
frank,"well yknow about the tongue thing, yknow, and how i told you about my likes and my dislikes...",phoebe,i don’t....
frank,"how-how i like to melt stuff, and how i dislike stuff that doesn’t melt.",phoebe,"right, okay, um-mm."
frank,"yeah, yknow i feel like i can really talk to you ‘cause yknow you’re my sister, yknow.",phoebe,"yeah, i guess i do, yeah."
frank,then i go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.,phoebe,"well, i-i wasn’t hopping mad, yknow."
frank,"you hopped a little bit. yeah, i really sorry.",phoebe,"okay. all right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this."
frank,this?,phoebe,uh-huh.
frank,"oh come on we went, we went to time square, we found ninja stars, i almost got arm broken by a hooker...",phoebe,she wasn’t a hooker.
joey,"maybe, my ruler’s wrong.",phoebe,maybe all the rulers are wrong.
joey,"thank you. cha-ching!  oh, well hello mr. lincoln. better luck next time buddy.  and the drinks are on me!",phoebe,okay!
chandler,our eyes are closed and we’re about to cross the street. very good.,phoebe,"okayyyyy, open up!"
ross,what did you want to show us? because all i can see is this bitchin van!,phoebe,"yeah, it’s for our catering business!"
rachel,no?,phoebe,"no, we’re gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette."
rachel,oh!,phoebe,"and also, we don’t know what to do with this."
monica,remember that guy from cooking school i told you about that put cilantro with everything?,phoebe,"oh sure, cilantro larry."
monica,"wow, monica! what an amazing opportunity to influence… dozens of people.",phoebe,"how could you say yes, what about our catering business?"
all,yay!!,phoebe,"oh, in that case——yay!  that was me hopping on board."
ross,"dude, we are sooo gonna party!",phoebe,"wow! okay, dude alert! and who is this guy?"
monica,hey! my first review is out!,phoebe,"ohh! oh, the chelsea reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm."
monica,"all right, look at my on the back page.",phoebe,"oh, okay!  would i go back to allesandro’s? sure, but i’d have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head.  wow! you really laid into this place."
monica,"hey, they don’t pay me a penny a word to make friends.",phoebe,"ooh, i gotta go. i found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering."
monica,oh! do you need me to go with you?,phoebe,"no-no, it’s okay. but are we sure we don’t want the waterbed?"
monica,haven’t we made this decision?,phoebe,"yeah, all right."
monica,bye!,phoebe,bye!
allesandro,just give me a chance too…,phoebe,"hey, do you need to get in? here you go."
monica,no! phoebe!,phoebe,"hey, monica!"
rachel,"ohh, you’ve waited soo long.",phoebe,hey!
rachel,"hey, pheebs, quick question for ya.",phoebe,yeah.
rachel,how do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at bloomingdale’s?,phoebe,"i don’t know, it would totally depend on her coloring and…  you got the job!!"
rachel,"ohh, it’s gonna be so great! i’m gonna get to help decide what we sell, i’m gonna have an office with walls and everything.  i’m gonna have walls!",phoebe,"okay, is this the day of good news or what? i got us a job! the wedding reception."
monica,"ohh! umm, phoebe, i kinda need to talk to you about that.  umm, well i-i-i think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering.",phoebe,but we’ve only had one job.
monica,"i know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it’s snowballing, y’know?",phoebe,yeah! what are you saying?
monica,i got offered the head chef job at allesandro’s.,phoebe,what?
monica,"it’s okay, ‘cause yknow what? you don’t really need me for the business.",phoebe,you’re the cook! with out you it’s just me driving up to people’s houses with empty trays and asking for money!
monica,"all right. but umm, i-i-i’ll pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van.",phoebe,for what? i can’t believe this! i gotta get out of here.
monica,"ohh, here you are. y’know, i’m-i’m glad you decided to hear me out.",phoebe,"okay, i’m hearing."
monica,"i’ve been doing a lot of thinking. a lot! and umm, well, i came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. okay umm, you could be flower delivery person.",phoebe,what?!
monica,or! a bakery delivery person.,phoebe,i wa-i wa-i wa…
monica,pizza?!,phoebe,monica!
monica,"all right, i’ve got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, i’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to deliver.",phoebe,no.
monica,"okay. i’m guessing that if you don’t want to deliver, you probably don’t want to pick stuff up either.",phoebe,no.
monica,"y’know what, let’s do the catering business.",phoebe,really?! are you sure?
monica,"yeah, yknow i-i made a commitment to you. y’know what, it’d be, it’d be fun.",phoebe,"oh! it will be fun! ohh! yay! oh! okay, ooh, let’s plan the wedding reception.  wow! you really wanted me to do something with this van.  y’know what, i want you to take the chef job."
monica,really?!,phoebe,"yeah. that’s what you really want. yeah, i don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and i really don’t want to be the reason i’m unhappy."
monica,thank you.,phoebe,"besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new a-team."
joey,hey! you guys! you’re not gonna believe this! i just got off the phone with my agent…,phoebe,"oh my god!  i’m sorry, too soon. you go."
monica,joey!,phoebe,good for you!
ross,"okay!  umm, i uh, i’m your teacher. i’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and i-and i like women. in spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.",phoebe,oh my god! that guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
monica,"really?  my god, he’s really cute.",phoebe,go for it.
monica,"phoebe, i’m engaged!",phoebe,"i’m just saying, get his number just in case. but no chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill."
the cute guy,i thought you knew i was looking at you.,phoebe,"i did, but that was really fun."
joey,ah.,phoebe,oh hey!
monica,hey! how’d your date go with jake?,phoebe,"oh, great! we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck."
monica,"okay, stop it phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly.",phoebe,"all i could think of was y’know, is he gonna kiss me? is he gonna kiss me?"
monica,and did he?,phoebe,"i’m a lady monica, i don’t kiss and tell. but this hickey speaks for itself."
monica,"okay-okay, i got it. i got it.",phoebe,i just like him so much that i just feel like i’ve had 10 drinks today and i’ve only had six.
monica,"oh, i haven’t had that feeling since i first started going out with chandler. wow, i’m never gonna have that feeling again am i?",phoebe,you sound like a guy.
monica,"no, a guy would be saying, i’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else. oh my god! i’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! i’ve been so busy planning the wedding that i forgot about all the things that i’d be giving up! i mean, i…i’m never gonna have a first kiss again.",phoebe,you’ll have a last kiss.
jake,bye phoebe.,phoebe,okay bye.
jake,all right. bye.,phoebe,bye!  we said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
jake,i miss you already!!,phoebe,i miss you too!!!!
monica,have you seen chandler?,phoebe,no. why?
monica,‘cause i just keeping thinking about all these things that i’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. i don’t know what to do about it.,phoebe,"okay, don’t sweat it.  chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. that guy’s cute."
monica,phoebe! come on i’m serious! i just got to talk to him about all this.,phoebe,no that is the last thing you want to do!
monica,why?,phoebe,because you’re marrying him!
monica,you gotta help me out here pheebs.,phoebe,"all right, i’ve never been engaged and i’ve never really been married, but i can only tell you what my mother told me. whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband."
monica,so i’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy i’m gonna spend the rest of my life with?,phoebe,"that is correct! yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight."
monica,your mother told you this?,phoebe,yes!
monica,the woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?,phoebe,oh my god! you’re right! go!  go tell chandler! hurry before it’s too late! wait no!  does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love?
ross,"y’know what? i-i’m not even gonna talk about this. okay? this little thing is over. i know you have a girlfriend! okay——yeah! and i know about the other professors! how do you think that makes me feel ned?! you used me! you don’t love me and you never did!  ah professor winston, professor fredrickson, i’ll be right with you.  don’t make this worse and i’ll give you a c.  shall we?  ending credits",phoebe,rach?
rachel,i’ll be out in a second.,phoebe,oh.  it’s just so unexpected! i…i uh…boy i’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a nobel prize and y’know to win one for a massage. especially after having just won a tony award for best actress in…
8,00.,phoebe,…in reservations at 8:00 by neil simon.  thank-thank you neil. thank you for the words.
rachel,"okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. we gotta go.",phoebe,"please, don’t play the music. just uh one more. live from new york! it’s saturday night!!"
robin,that’s the one.,phoebe,"all right, so, so you went to pete’s..."
billy,"thomas, come back here!",phoebe,"so monica, what were you gonna tell us?"
rachel,"so, come on, what was the big news pete wanted to tell you mon?! or should i say mrs. monica becker?",phoebe,"no-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name."
all,ohh.,phoebe,well then definately don’t take his name.
monica,i don’t know exactly. it’s-it’s sorta like wrestling.,phoebe,oh?!
monica,"yeah, but without the costumes.",phoebe,oh.
chandler,"thank you! today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.",phoebe,"yeesh, what’d you do about it?"
chandler,what if joey were president?,phoebe,"umm, hey rach, can i ask you something?"
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if i set ross up on a date?"
rachel,"oh, ah with who?",phoebe,"umm, my friend, bonnie. she just always thought ross was really cute, and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if i could set it up, but if you’re not cool with it..."
rachel,"oh-oh-oh, which one is bonnie again?",phoebe,"you remember her from my birthday party two years ago. she’s yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald..."
rachel,oh!  that’s fine.,phoebe,"great! okay, good for you!"
rachel,"well that was depressing, i think i just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from fame. ready to go to the movies?",phoebe,um-hmm. oh wait! this is bonnie.
rachel,"oh, that must be it.",phoebe,well i hope you have fun tonight.
rachel,you said she was bald.,phoebe,"yeah, she was bald, she’s not now."
rachel,how could you not tell me that she has hair?,phoebe,"i don’t know, i hardly ever say that about people."
rachel,"ohh, well, this is just perfect!",phoebe,"well i’m sorry, i thought you said it was okay."
rachel,"yeah, i said what was okay when i thought she was some weird bald chick. i mean, yknow, that girl has hair got all over head!",phoebe,"well, maybe it won’t work out. maybe ross won’t like her personality."
rachel,"why, does she have a bad personality?",phoebe,"oh no, bonnie’s the best!"
monica,"four, please.  i’m really nervous.  thank you.",phoebe,"so ross, how umm, how did it go with bonnie?"
ross,"what? oh! i gotta tell you, i-i wasn’t expecting to like her at all, i mean i actually wasn’t expecting to like anyone right now, but she’s really terrific.",phoebe,"ohh, that’s too bad!"
ross,"no, i-i’m saying i liked her.",phoebe,"yeah, yknow what, there are other fish in the sea."
ross,"pheebs, i think she’s great. okay? we’re going out again.",phoebe,"okay, i hear you! are you capable of talking about any thing else?"
chandler,ahhhhh!,phoebe,"okay. would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?"
rachel,"oh my god! phoebe look, it’s ross and that girl.",phoebe,no! no! look at that!  it’s a line of ants! they’re working as a team!
rachel,phoebe!,phoebe,"right, oh yeah. wow, oh, it looks like ross is breaking up with her. uff, i hope he lets her down easy. let’s go."
rachel,"come on phoebe, look at that! they are not breaking up, look at them. okay that’s, you know what that is? that is a, that is a second date, that’s what that is! look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...",phoebe,"oh no! that really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive."
rachel,"ohh!  phoebe, this is all your fault! now he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.",phoebe,you said it was okay!
rachel,you said she was bald!!,phoebe,what?! what-what-what-what-what?!!
rachel,"phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! okay, we have to do something! we have to break them up! okay? just go in there and like, shave her head! you owe me one bald girl!!",phoebe,"okay, first of all, breathe. second of all, i don’t get it. aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with ross?"
rachel,yes.,phoebe,well isn’t he your friend? don’t you want him to be happy?
rachel,yes.,phoebe,so?
rachel,"i just yknow, i didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. ufff. ooo-ooh!",phoebe,oh no.
rachel,what?,phoebe,"oh, we killed them all."
all,oh! oh!,phoebe,"wait, if that’s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?"
rachel,phoebe?,phoebe,yeah?
rachel,"look at that guy by the window, wow!",phoebe,he’s awfully short and i think he’s talking to himself. and to
rachel,"oh, what is wrong with me lately? i mean it’s like every guy i",phoebe,"wait a second! this is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?"
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"this is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start"
rachel,really?! so this has happened to you?,phoebe,"oh absolutely yeah! oh and keep in mind, now, i was carrying triplets so"
rachel,"wow! this explains so much! last weekend, i went from store to store",phoebe,"yeah. yeah, i remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of evander"
rachel,ah.,phoebe,yeah.
rachel,"well, y’know what? i go see my doctor tomorrow, i’ll ask her",phoebe,"yeah. yeah, that’s what you need a good…pill."
joey,"i’m missin’ picture time?! (jumps over to look, ross glares at",phoebe,y’know she has a face ross!
mona,bye guys.,phoebe,bye.
ross,i know. can you believe that?,phoebe,"wait, i’m-i’m sorry. what’s the big deal about a holiday"
rachel,hi.,phoebe,"oh hey! so, how did your doctor’s appointment go?"
rachel,"well, let’s see. uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the",phoebe,oh my god.
monica,why did you do that?,phoebe,"okay, remember that little problem i was having during my"
monica,"oh yeah, the evander holyfield phase. oh man you were so hard up you",phoebe,you wish.
monica,"hey, i could’ve had you if i wanted you.",phoebe,oh yeah? come and get it.
ross,"yeah, we’re not just doing a card! y’know, she-she also wants to",phoebe,ugh! women!
ross,"uh, bigger than that.",phoebe,give her a key to your apartment.
ross,"yeah i-i don’t-i don’t think i’m quite there yet, but i",phoebe,"no, we hate that."
ross,"not just a key, i gave her the only key! i am now a homeless person in a",phoebe,hey. ooh ross! how’d the conversation go?
ross,"oh great, i live on the street.",phoebe,where?!
rachel,hey!,phoebe,"hi! okay, monica, rachel, this is my friend roger."
monica,hi roger.,phoebe,"so umm, i’m gonna get us some drinks.  would you help me"
rachel,yeah.,phoebe,"umm, he’s here to have sex with you."
rachel,what?,phoebe,you’re welcome.
rachel,phoebe no!,phoebe,"it’s okay, he’s a virgin."
monica,"rachel umm, i was just talking to this guy and i think he’ll have",phoebe,"yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone."
rachel,"no! i do not care what my hormones are doing, i am not going to just do",phoebe,fine! then you tell roger because he was really looking forward to this!
joey,get back in there!,phoebe,"hi. listen, i’m sorry about that whole thing with roger. it really"
monica,that’s also like the tenth time you told us.,phoebe,"yeah, oh i’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! i tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play bringing in the noise, bringing in da funk on your bladder! i’m so sick of being pregnant! the only happiness i get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—oh! i’m pregnant!"
ross,"pheebs, did…you want a cookie?",phoebe,thank you so much.
rachel,"so uh, pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?",phoebe,i haven’t really had any yet.
joey,yes!  shame about you man.,phoebe,stop it!
monica,what?,phoebe,one of the babies is kicking.
monica,i thought that was a good thing.,phoebe,"it’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. oh ! don’t make me come in there!"
joey,"nooo, later.",phoebe,"hey!! get your ass back here, tribbiani!!"
joey,baby shower. wow! that sounds sooo like something i don’t want to do! later!,phoebe,i can’t believe i’m gonna have a party! this is so great!  a party!  yay!!  i don’t know why.
monica,"oh, she’s gonna love that!",phoebe,"what the hell is this?! what, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that i can’t use for another two months?! this sucks! all right, what’s my next present?!"
joey,of course!!,phoebe,"hi, guys."
monica,hi phoebe.,phoebe,"i-i wanted to apologise if i—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know."
rachel,"…hormones, yeah.",phoebe,"anyway, i just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet."
monica,"wow, you seem to be doing so much better. that’s great. so how-how are things going?",phoebe,"good. y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you?"
rachel,"oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to ross’s wedding.",phoebe,oh!
rachel,"it just might be too hard, given the history and all that…",phoebe,"wow! this reminds me of the time when i was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if i slept with him."
rachel,"well, h-how is this like that?",phoebe,"well, let’s see, it’s not. really, like that. because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know…"
rachel,"i’m-i’m sorry, i just thought that…",phoebe,"alrighty, here come the water works."
monica,here’s your tea phoebe.,phoebe,"it’s so good.  oh, thanks."
monica,i’m so glad you liked it.,phoebe,oh!
rachel,what?! she made the tea!,phoebe,"oh! no, i-i think i just had a contraction."
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,"yeah, i thought i had one a couple of minutes ago, and now i know that was definitely one."
rachel,"okay. it’s okay. we’re gonna be okay. y’know what? it’s okay. i’m gonna, i’m gonna, i’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!",phoebe,"no. it’s all right; it’s probably false labour. they said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book."
rachel,i still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.,phoebe,"well, do you see any babies?"
monica,how do you feel?,phoebe,"okay, i guess. i mean… i don’t know, it’s just, i guess i know it’s going to be over soon."
rachel,"well, isn’t that a good thing? you said you were sick of this.",phoebe,"i know. it’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. i’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking tequila."
monica,some moms do that.,phoebe,"okay that’s even sadder. look, i know, i know what i got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like i know them y’know, i mean-i mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away."
monica,"aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. you’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.",phoebe,"yeah, okay."
rachel,and you just get to be cool aunt phoebe!,phoebe,cool aunt phoebe. i am pretty cool!
rachel,"and y’know what else, oh my god, are they gonna love you.",phoebe,they are gonna love me.
rachel,oh!,phoebe,thanks you guys! again.
monica,"oh, sweetie!",phoebe,you’re the best. thanks. oh!
monica and rachel,what?!,phoebe,just kidding. ahh!
monica,oh my god!,phoebe,"got cha again, you guys are so easy."