name,context,question,answer,label
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,,Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.,"Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.","Leonard: Agreed, what’s your point?","Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt. ",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?","Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.",Sheldon: I think this is the place.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.",(They sit and begin to fill in forms).,"Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.","Leonard: What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro. ","Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.","Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.","Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.",Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.,Sheldon: I wouldn’t.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I wouldn’t.,"Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?",Sheldon: I want to leave.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I want to leave.,Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?,"Leonard: I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.",Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.,"Leonard: Okay.

Receptionist: Bye.",Sheldon: Bye-bye,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: See you.,Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.,Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?,Leonard: Not really.,"Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.",Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.,"Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.",Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?,"Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.",Leonard: New neighbour?,Sheldon: Evidently.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Evidently.,Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.,"Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: Oh, hi!",Leonard: Hi.,Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Hi.,Leonard: Hi.,Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Penny: Hi.,Leonard: Hi.,Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Oh, great.",Penny: Great. ,Sheldon: Great.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Great. Well, bye.",Penny: Bye.,Sheldon: Bye.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Bye. ,Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?,Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.,Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.,Sheldon: Not with commentary.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Not with commentary.,"Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.",Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.,"Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.",Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. ,"Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.",Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.,Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.,Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.,"Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.",Sheldon: To what end?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Hi. Again.,Penny: Hi.,Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Penny: Hi. ,"Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Great.,"Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?","Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: You’re very welcome.,"Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?",Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.,Penny: Wow.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.","Penny: So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.",Sheldon: Yeah. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.",Penny: Holy smokes.,"Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”",Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.,"Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.",Leonard: In what universe?,"Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.","Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?","Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.","Penny: So, sit next to me. ","Sheldon: No, I sit there.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No, I sit there.",Penny: What’s the difference?,Sheldon: What’s the difference?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: What’s the difference?,Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. ",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. ",Penny: Do you want me to move?,Sheldon: Well.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Well.,Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.,"Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)","Leonard: Sheldon, sit!
",Sheldon: Aaah!,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Aaah!,Leonard: Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.,Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. ,"Leonard: Yes I now, but…",Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.,"Leonard: Yes, I remember.",Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.,Leonard: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.","Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.","Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.","Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak. ",Sheldon: That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.","Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.",Sheldon: You’re lactose intolerant. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard (mouths back): I don’t know.,"Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School. ",Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.
",Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.,"Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.","Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?",Sheldon: Yes. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Our shower works.,Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?,Sheldon: Yes. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Yes. ,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: No?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: No?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: It’s right down the hall.,"Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
",Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development. ,Leonard: How so?,Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.,"Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.",Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. ,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. ,Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.,"Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?",Leonard: Excuse me?,Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.,Leonard: Well I’m not trying to have sex with her.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.","Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?","Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.","Leonard: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.","Sheldon: Oh, of course.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, of course.",Leonard: That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.,Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Raj: Why?,Leonard: It’s just not a good time.,Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Howard: So she’s available for coitus?, Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?,Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Wow.,"Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car",Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.,Leonard: Must we?,"Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?","Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.",Leonard: Which is?,Sheldon: You think with your penis.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: You think with your penis.,Leonard: That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come.,"Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.","Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.",Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.,"Leonard: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.","Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.",Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.,Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?,"Leonard: No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.","Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can’t even carry a TV. ",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Voice from buzzer: Yeah.,"Leonard: Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.",Voice: Get lost.,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.",Leonard: We’re not going to give up just like that.,"Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.","Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.",Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.,(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.),Sheldon: It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.","(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)",Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Scene: Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.,Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) I’ll do the talking.,"Sheldon: Good thinking, I’ll just be the muscle.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Enormous man: Yeah?,"Leonard: I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.",Sheldon: From the intercom.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Man: How the hell did you get in the building?,Leonard: Oh. We’re scientists.,Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.,Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.,Sheldon: Leonard.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Leonard.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.,Leonard: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: You’re going to have to call her.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.","Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.","Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.",Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.,"Leonard: Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.","Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.","Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you’re a good friend.",Sheldon: And you’re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.","Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.",Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?",Leonard: Really? Great.,"Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?",Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.,Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.",Penny: So?,Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.,1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.,Penny: So?,Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Howard: But does it have peanut oil?,"Leonard: Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.","Sheldon: Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.",Raj: Are there any chopsticks?,"Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.",Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Howard: Get used to it.,"Penny: Yeah, I probably won’t, but… Hey Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hi.,"Penny: Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?","Sheldon: Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?","Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?","Sheldon: You’re kidding, right?",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? ","Leonard,Sheldon and Howard together: One. (Raj raises one finger). ",Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.,"Penny: Yes, I know, men can’t fly.","Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. ",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. ","Leonard: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates. ","Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.","Leonard: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.","Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.","Howard: Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.","Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny: I’m just going to go wash up.,"Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.",Sheldon: Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Scene: Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.,"Leonard: Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.",Sheldon: I hardly think so. ,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: I hardly think so. ,Leonard: Why not?,"Sheldon: Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.","Leonard: We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.",Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.,Leonard: Do you have any ideas?,"Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Time shift, Leonard and Sheldon are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs.","Leonard: Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half. ",Sheldon: Exactly half.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Exactly half.,"Leonard (snarkily): Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math. ",Sheldon: What’s your formula for the corner.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.",(Sheldon heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom.),"Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.","Time shift, they now have the package on an upstairs hallway, not their own.",Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?,Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.,"Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Quick cut to the hallway of their floor, they are nearing the top of the staircase.","Leonard: Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)","Sheldon: No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.",Scene: Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.,"Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!",Leonard: You okay?,"Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?",Leonard: So Penny’s a little messy.,"Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. ",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. ","Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: No.,"Leonard: Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.","Leonard: Come on, we should go.",Sheldon: Hang on.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hang on.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Straightening up.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Straightening up.,"Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.","Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.","Leonard: When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.","Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.",Leonard: What were you doing in his closet?,Sheldon: I helped run some cable for a webcam.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.",Penny: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?,Sheldon: (sucks in breath),1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: (sucks in breath),Leonard: No.,Sheldon: No?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: No?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Well, we’ll get out of your hair.","Penny: Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).","Sheldon: Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Scene: Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.",Leonard: Sheldon!,Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.,"Leonard: Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.","Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.","Leonard: Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?",Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.,"Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.",Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Sheldon, we have to get out of here.",(Penny snores),Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.",Leonard: That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.),"Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.","Leonard (doing likewise): Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go.",Sheldon: I am not leaving until I’m done.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: I am not leaving until I’m done.,Leonard: O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).,"Sheldon: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Oh, what the hell.","Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself. ",Sheldon: Morning.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Morning.,Leonard: Morning. ,"Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.",Leonard: I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean.,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Leonard: You think?,"Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.","Leonard: You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.",Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?,"Leonard: Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.",Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?,"Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.","Sheldon: Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny (voice off): You sick, geeky bastards!",Leonard: How did she know it was us?,Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny (voice off): Leonard!,"Leonard: God, this is going to be bad.","Sheldon: Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny (entering): You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?,"Leonard: Yes, but, only to clean.","Sheldon: Really more to organise, you’re not actually dirty, per se.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.","Penny: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.","Sheldon: And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.",Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?,"Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny: Stay away from me.,"Leonard: Sure, that’s another way to go.","Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.",Leonard: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?,Sheldon: That wasn’t sarcasm?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: That wasn’t sarcasm?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.",Penny (opening door): What?,"Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Leonard: It’s fine. You win.,Howard: What’s his problem?,Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Scene: Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.,Leonard: Six two inch dowels.,Sheldon: Check.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Check.,"Leonard: One package, Phillips head screws.",Sheldon: Check.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. ","Leonard: No, please, we insist, it’s the least we can do considering. ",Sheldon: Considering what? How great this place looks?,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.","Leonard: It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.",Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.,Leonard: And control it how?,"Sheldon: Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy. ",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): Good point, how you gonna cool it?","Penny: Hey guys, I got this. ","Sheldon: Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?",1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Howard: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.","Leonard: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?",Sheldon: And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing. ,1
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. ","Leonard: Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium. ","Sheldon: Right, then the entire thing’s one big heat sink.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphone headsets.","Howard: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.",Sheldon: Good lord!,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Howard: Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.","Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.",Sheldon: Lock and load. ,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Raj: Oooh, he’s got me.","Howard: Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!",Sheldon: I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!,"Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.","Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster!",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: Leonard look out!,"Leonard: Dammit man, we’re dying here. ","Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Raj: He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.,"Leonard: You betrayed us for money, who are you?","Sheldon: I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Credits sequence,Scene: The same.,"Sheldon: Wooh, I’m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: Sounds like your neighbour’s home.,Leonard: Excuse me.,Sheldon: Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Penny: Okay, well, thank you, again.","Leonard: No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).",Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts. ,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Leonard: What is wrong with you?,Howard: I’m a romantic.,Sheldon: Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: Because he looked better than you?,Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.,"Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Raj: Like who?,Leonard: I don’t know. Olivia Geiger?,Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga. ","Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?","Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?","Howard: Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side. ","Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Raj: You might be bound by them right now.,"Howard: That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?",Sheldon: Of course not. ,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Of course not. ,"Howard: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?","Sheldon: Well, no.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: I smell robot. ,"Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s going on.",Sheldon: The internet’s been down for half an hour. ,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Howard: So, how did it go with Lesley? ","Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway. ","Sheldon: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Howard (to Leonard): I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat. ","Scene: The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing emo song.","Sheldon: Oh, good lord.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, good lord.","Leonard (singing): You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song. ","Sheldon: If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.","Leonard: I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos. ","Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…","Leonard: I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots. ","Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?","Leonard: Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat.","Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. ","Leonard: It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me. ","Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. ","Leonard: You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out.","Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. ","Leonard: No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out. ","Sheldon: Oh, goody, we’re getting a cat. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.",Leonard: How do I look?,Sheldon: Could you be more specific?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Could you be more specific?,Leonard: Can you tell I’m perspiring a little?,Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?,Leonard: Six thirty. ,"Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. ",Leonard: Is it too much?,Sheldon: Not if you’re a rugby team. ,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Not if you’re a rugby team. ,"Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos. ",Sheldon: Why would I join you?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Why would I join you?,"Leonard: No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. ","Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.","Leonard: You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.","Sheldon: Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.",Leonard: You could have stopped at “it could go well.”,"Sheldon: If I could of, I would of. ",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: If I could of, I would of. ","Leonard: I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!",Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?,Leonard: I’m having a panic attack.,"Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.","Leonard: If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.","Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: Just do it.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Just do it.,Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.","Leonard: Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.",Sheldon: Me?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Me?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: What should I tell her.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: What should I tell her.,Leonard: I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick.,Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Okay.,"Leonard: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.",Sheldon: Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.,Leonard: Give me the phone. ,Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?,Leonard: I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.,Sheldon: Why would she be expecting me? ,1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night. ","Scene: The apartment, Leonard enters.","Sheldon: So, how was your date?",1
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: So, how was your date?",Leonard: Awesome!,Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgement.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,,Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.,"Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?","Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.",Leonard: Interesting.,"Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. ","Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)","Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. ",Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.,"Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.","Leonard: I know, I’m familiar with you.","Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.","Leonard: Yes, I was there.","Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Nothing.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Nothing.,"Leonard: Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go. ","Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.",Leonard: Mahalo’s a nice touch. ,Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Leonard: You don’t have buffets in India?,"Raj: Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.",Sheldon: Well here’s an interesting turn of events.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Well here’s an interesting turn of events.,Leonard: What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?,Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Howard: Howard Wolowitz.,"Gablehouser: Howard, nice to meet you, and you are?",Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?,Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things.,Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.,"Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.","Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters.",Leonard: Morning,Sheldon: Morning.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Morning.,Leonard: You’re making eggs for breakfast?,"Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. ",Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.,"Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.",Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.,Sheldon: As do I.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: As do I.,"Leonard: You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.","Sheldon: I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.",Leonard: Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs.,"Sheldon: I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Leonard: And we all thank you.,"(Sheldon takes his eggs and sits down. Takes a photograph of them. Writes in his notebook, then takes a forkful. Writes in notebook again.)",Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).,"Penny (popping her head round): Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?","Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.",Penny: I’m sorry?,Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.,Penny: Four dozen?,"Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.","Penny: Okay, one more time?","Sheldon: Never mind, you won’t get it right, I’d better come with you.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Scene: Penny’s car,Penny: How come you didn’t go into work today.,"Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. ","Penny: So you got canned, huh?",Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. ,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. ,"Penny: Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens. ","Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. ","Penny: No, no, I meant…",Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.,Penny: Never mind. ,"Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.",Penny: We’re fine.,"Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.","Penny: Oh, sure I am.","Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.",Penny: 120?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?","Penny: Well, yeah.","Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.","Penny: Let’s say 4,390. ","Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.",Scene: The supermarket.,"Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. ",Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.","Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs. ","Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.","Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then. ","Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. ",Penny: Interesting.,Sheldon: Isn’t it?,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.,Penny: What now?,"Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. ","Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for. ",Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.,Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building. ,Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. ,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. ,"Penny: Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today. ","Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.",Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?,"Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?","Penny: Okay, I’m not talking about this with you.","Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Scene: The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish. ","Leonard (entering): Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something.",Sheldon: I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. ,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. ,Leonard: What’s with the fish?,Sheldon: It’s an experiment. ,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: It’s an experiment. ,Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?,"Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.",Leonard: So… fish. ,"Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.",Leonard: Fish nightlights.,Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!,"Leonard: Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.","Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.",Leonard: Like luminous fish.,Sheldon: Shhhhh!,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Shhhhh!,Leonard: Right… I didn’t….,"Sheldon: That’s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon (mouths): You called my mother?,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Mrs Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom?","Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?",Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me. ,"Sheldon: I know, but why?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I know, but why?",Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes. ,"Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. ","Leonard: Really, when was the last time you left the house.",Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.,Leonard: That was three weeks ago.,"Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.","Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.","Sheldon: Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. ",Leonard: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: To my room, and no-one’s allowed in. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door.,"Mrs Cooper (entering): Good morning, snicker-doodle. ",Sheldon: Morning.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Morning.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that?",Sheldon: It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. ,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. ,"Mrs Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?","Sheldon: What do you want, mom?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: What do you want, mom?",Mrs Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?,Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Yeah.,"Mrs Cooper: Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.",Sheldon: What for?,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: What for?,"Mrs Cooper: Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back. ",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: No.,"Mrs Cooper: I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”","Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. ","Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out.",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Why not?,"Mrs Cooper: Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s shove off. (Exits)",Sheldon: Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Gablehouser: Well, actually….","Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, he’s just doodling, get in here. ",Sheldon: Dr Gablehouser.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Gablehouser: Dr Cooper.,"Mrs Cooper: Let’s go, baby, we’re losing daylight. ","Sheldon: Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out. ",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon (leaving): Okay.,"Leonard: Hey, how did it go?",Sheldon: I got my job back.,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I got my job back.,Leonard: Really? What happened?,Sheldon: I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me. ,1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Mrs Cooper is tucking him in.,"Mrs Cooper: I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.","Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?",1
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?",Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?,Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory,"Sheldon: Alright, I’m moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Howard: I’ll take the heart smart platter.,"Penny: Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.","Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.","Penny: Well, it’s all good. ",Sheldon: Statistically unlikely. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Statistically unlikely. ,"Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.","Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Leonard: I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger. ,"Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?",Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. ,Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy. ,"Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?",Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!,"Sheldon: Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. ",Leonard: Make it two. ,Sheldon: Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Leonard: Hey Lesley. ,Lesley: I didn’t know you ate here.,Sheldon: We don’t. This is a disturbing aberration. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. ","Leonard: Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?","Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. ",Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.,"Leonard: What did Penny mean, you’d make a cute couple?","Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. ","Leonard: If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available. ","Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard. ",Leonard: How so?,Sheldon: You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. ,"Leonard: Well, what do you think.","Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn’t say I cared.",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Scene: The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.","Penny (opening door): Oh, hey Sheldon, what’s going on?",Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.,Penny: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.","Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. ",Sheldon: Just come with me.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Just come with me.,Jump to the pair of them standing outside Leonard’s bedroom door. Bryan Adams “Have You Ever Loved A Woman” is emerging. There is a tie on the bedroom door. ,Sheldon: Well?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Well?,Penny: Well what?,Sheldon: What does it mean?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: What does it mean?,"Penny: Oh, come on, you went to college.","Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.","Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy. ",Sheldon: So you’re saying Leonard has a girl in there.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon (entering living room): This is very awkward.,"Penny: Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right?","Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. ","Penny: Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?","Sheldon: I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. ","Penny: So, do you know who’s in there?","Sheldon: Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. ","Penny: Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.","Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on. ",Penny: What’s the matter?,"Sheldon: I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie. ",(Sheldon looks lost for a moment. The pulls out his mobile phone and dials.),"Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Scene: In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.","Scene: Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.","Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!","Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s the matter? ","Sheldon: My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations. ",Leonard: Are you sure?,"Sheldon: Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. ",Leonard: Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having?,"Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. ",Lesley (entering): You’re welcome. ,Sheldon: You did this?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: You did this?,"Lesley: Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?",Sheldon: Cool?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Lesley: Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night. ","Leonard: Thank you, I’ll see you at work. ","Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!",Lesley: What?,Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?,Lesley: No-one.,Sheldon: I don’t come into your house and touch your board.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: I don’t come into your house and touch your board.,Lesley: There are no incorrect equations on my board. ,"Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…","Lesley: I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves). ","Sheldon: Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. ",Leonard: Sheldon!,Sheldon: I’m coming.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: So, is it serious, do you like her?","Leonard: Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go! ","Sheldon: Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. ","Leonard: Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.",Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?,"Leonard: You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.",Sheldon: She’s not that intelligent.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: She’s not that intelligent.,Leonard: She fixed your equation.,Sheldon: She got lucky.,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: She got lucky.,Leonard: You don’t believe in luck.,Sheldon: I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. ,"Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy. ",Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: Yeah. ,Sheldon: I still don’t care. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Leonard: Well, that part’s true! ",Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant. ",Leonard: No kidding.,"Sheldon: I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. ",Leonard: Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted. ,"Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. ",Leonard: Really?,"Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. ",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. ","Penny: So, how’s everything. ","Sheldon: Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.",1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.","Penny: Really, oh yay!",Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table? ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).",Leonard: Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention? ,Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. ,1
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. ,Leonard: Are you even listening to me?,"Sheldon: Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard: Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. ","Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews. ","Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. ","Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.","Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. ","Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster. ","Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Howard: Morning ma’am. ,"Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?","Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Howard: A boy-girl party?,"Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…",Sheldon: Dancing?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Dancing?,"Leonard: Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…","Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….",Leonard: We’re really more….,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.","Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.",Sheldon: A Halloween party?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Leonard: Is there a theme?,"Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.","Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific? ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…",Penny: Sure.,Sheldon: What about comic-books?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: What about comic-books?,Penny: Fine.,Sheldon: Anime?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Anime?,Penny: Of course.,"Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)","Leonard: Oh, no. ",Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.),1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.),"Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!","Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. ","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.","Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. ","Leonard: No, it’s not…","Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!","Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight. ","Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?","Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey. ","Sheldon: Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: Hey, sorry we’re late. ",Penny: Late? It’s 7:05.,Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven. ,"Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven. ",Sheldon: It’s 7:05. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?","Penny: Probably, but in their own homes. ",Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start? ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start? ,Penny: The parade?,"Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.","Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes. ",Sheldon: This party is just going to suck. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.","Leonard: Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.",Sheldon: Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. ",Leonard: Okay. ,"Sheldon: See, people get it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Raj: Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix. ","Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights. ","Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? ",Leonard: We’re socialising. Meeting new people. ,Sheldon: Telepathically?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.","Leonard: She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.",Sheldon: And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.","Leonard: I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people. ","Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.",Leonard: How so?,"Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. ",Leonard: Go on.,"Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”",Leonard: Then what happens?,Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.,"Leonard: This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.",Sheldon: Good luck. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Good luck. ,"Leonard: No, you’re coming with me.","Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. ",Leonard: Come on.,Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?,Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.,"Sheldon: Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!",Leonard: Hi.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Hello.,"Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?",Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!,"Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?",Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.),Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.,Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!,Girl: I still don’t get it.,Sheldon: I’m the Doppler Effect. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm," Sheldon: Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. ",Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.,"Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. ",Leonard: Oh no.,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: What?,Leonard: That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.,Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. ,"Leonard: If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.","Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. ","Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).",Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis. ,Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends. ,"Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. ",Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.,"Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. ","Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.","Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. ","Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down. ",Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?,Leonard: No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face. ,"Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.,"Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?","Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. ","Kurt: What, you’re a zebra, right?",Sheldon: Yet another child left behind. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. ",Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?,"Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Kurt: Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.",Leonard: I think we’re all talking to Penny here.,Sheldon: I’m not. No offence. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard? ","Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. ","Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble. ","Kurt: So what, I’m unevolved?",Sheldon: You’re in trouble. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Leonard: I think I’ve made my point.,"Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.","Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down. ",Kurt: Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun. ,Sheldon: He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….","Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming. ","Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. ",1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.,Leonard: What’s that?,Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had. ,Leonard: Good night Sheldon.,Sheldon: Good night Leonard. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)","Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door. ",Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.),1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.),"Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?",Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him. ,"Howard: He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God. ",Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification. ,1
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification. ,Howard: I’m supposed to give him a ride home.,Sheldon: Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Howard’s phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).,"Raj: Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist. ","Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.",Leonard: So? We’ll start now.,"Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Raj: We can split it two, two and two.",Howard: If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.),"Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Leonard: Sure. What’s going on.,"Penny: Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me. ",Sheldon: 8:08.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? ","Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family. ","Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?","Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town. ",Sheldon: Oh good grief.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door. ","Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.    ","Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. ","Leonard: Okay, fine, we’ll just play one on one until he gets back. ","Sheldon: One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.",Leonard: Great idea.,"Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. ",Penny: Why?,"Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.","Penny: Oh, what, what, what? ","Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.","Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off? ",Sheldon: Mine. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys. ",Leonard: It’s the only way we can play teams. ,"Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)","Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again.","Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!",Time shift,"Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.","Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon. ","Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. ","Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something. ",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: What?,"Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it’s raining you! ","Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that?,"Leonard: She’s an enigma, Raj. ","Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…","Leonard: She’s gone, Sheldon. ",Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye. ,"Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem.","Sheldon: It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. ","Penny: Uh, the couch is good.","Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.","Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this.",Sheldon: Where do I begin? ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Where do I begin? ,"Leonard: It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice. ","Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. ","Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else? ","Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.",Leonard: So? ,"Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. ","Leonard: I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?",Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. ",Penny: Hu.. what?,"Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. ",Leonard: I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow. ,"Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. ",Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?,Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Leonard: Here you go.,Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.),"Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong. ",Penny: I’m listening.,Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.,Penny: Why? ,"Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.",Penny: I’ll risk it.,Sheldon: Hm! ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Hm! ,Penny: Anything else I should know.,Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters.",Leonard: What are you doing? ,"Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. ",Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.,"Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….","Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed? ",Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.",Penny: What the hell is your problem?,"Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Christie (entering): Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.",Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).,Sheldon: Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Christie: Hi, Christie.",Leonard: Leonard. ,Sheldon: I’m Sheldon.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.","Leonard: Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us.","Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother.,"Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me. ","Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. ",Leonard: Sheldon you just can’t dictate…,"Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Howard: I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.","Christie: Oh, that’s so cool. My first Jew!",Sheldon: I imagine there aren’t many kosher corn-huskers. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Howard: Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. ",Scene: A Chinese restaurant. ,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.",Leonard: We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?,"Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?",Leonard: I see a problem. ,Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. ,"Leonard: So, we’ll just order three entrees.","Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. ",Raj: We could cut it into thirds. ,"Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. ","Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?","Sheldon: He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. ",Raj: That works. ,"Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Waiter: No eliminations. ,"Leonard: If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home.","Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. ","Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.","Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. ",Leonard: We don’t order egg rolls.,"Sheldon: Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. ","Leonard: Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food.",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: Uurgh.,"Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know. ",Sheldon: I’ll know. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: How about soup?,"Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup.",Sheldon: What about the won-tons?,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks. ,"Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?",Sheldon: It’s Halo night.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Penny: She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. ,"Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?","Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. ","Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend. ","Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. ","Penny: Well, for Penny it’s dancing night. ",Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.,Penny: No.,Sheldon:  Then it’s not dancing night. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon:  Then it’s not dancing night. ,"Penny: Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow?","Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. ","Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.","Sheldon: Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. ",Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend. ,"Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.",Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.","Leonard: Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy. ","Sheldon: Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart. ,Leonard: Who are you calling?,Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Scene: Outside Howard’s house. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.","Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. ",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. ","Leonard: You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact. ",Sheldon: My point.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Howard’s Mother (voice): Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.,Howard: What are you guys doing here? ,Sheldon: It’s Halo night. ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Howard: So, Halo night, huh? ",Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha?,Sheldon: Shhh! ,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Scene: The apartment, Halo night. ","Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle. ","Sheldon: I can’t shoot now, I’m cloaking.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.",Raj: I can’t see him.,"Sheldon: That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man.",1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. ","Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.",Sheldon: We said no tanks.,1
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher. ","Raj: All I’ve got is a needler, and I’m all out of ammo. ",Sheldon: And now you’re out of life. Why did you hit pause?,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,,Scene: The Apartment.,"Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.",Leonard: Problem?,"Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. ","Leonard: Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?",Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. ,Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It’s right here under Batman’s signature.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Leonard: Hi! ,Raj: And over here is Sheldon.,Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Mrs Koothrappali: It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle.","Raj: If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling.","Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.",Raj: Why are you telling me about my own culture? ,Sheldon: You seemed confused.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Howard: Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. ","Leonard: Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India. ",Sheldon: It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Leonard: I bet you’re right.,Howard: I bet they love Scrubs.,Sheldon: What’s not to love?,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: What’s not to love?,"Raj: Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?",Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.,Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Leonard: I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show. ","Howard: Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally. ","Sheldon: Understandable, but there’s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Raj: Find new friends. ,Howard: So who wants to rent Fiddler?,"Sheldon: No need, we have the special edition. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Leonard: Oh, hey. ",Penny: I need some guinea pigs.,"Sheldon: Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Penny: Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.","Leonard: Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.","Sheldon: With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Leonard: Whatever you recommend.,"Penny: Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?",Sheldon: I’ll have a diet coke.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: I’ll have a diet coke.,"Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.",Sheldon: Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. ,"Penny: That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum.","Sheldon: Yes, ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Yes, ",Penny: So coke.,Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet? ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet? ,Penny: There’s a can in the fridge. ,Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.,Penny: Then swim to Cuba.,Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Howard: No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.","Penny: Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me.",Sheldon: And now we’ll never know. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Penny: Drinks do not work that way. ,"Howard: I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail. ",Sheldon: Sorry I’m late.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: Sorry I’m late.,Leonard: What happened?,"Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.","Penny: Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there. ","Sheldon: So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: That’s Princess Punchali. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: That’s Princess Punchali. ,Leonard: I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita.,"Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. ","Howard: Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card. ",Sheldon: It’s a children’s story.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: It’s a children’s story.,"Howard: Oh, no it isn’t. ","Sheldon: When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Penny: I know the reason. ,"Leonard: We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?",Sheldon: That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Howard: Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… ","Raj: Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more! ","Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.",Lalita: I’m sorry? ,Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. ,"Lalita: Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?",Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. ,"Lalita: Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian?",Sheldon: You Indian.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: You Indian.,Lalita: Oh. ,Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. ,Lalita: Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too. ,Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Raj: But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts. ","Lalita: Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like. ","Sheldon: It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Lalita: Oh my.,Raj: Back off Sheldon. ,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: What?,Raj: If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.,Sheldon: I’m not hitting on her.,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Raj: You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.,"Lalita: Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you.",Sheldon: Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Lalita: Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.",Raj: But you’re not Princess Punchali.,"Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.","Lalita: Sheldon, are you hungry?",Sheldon: I could eat. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Dr Koothrappali: Turn us, turn us. ","Raj: Go ahead, tell my parents why they won’t have any grandchildren.","Sheldon: How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Mrs Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. ,"Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.",Sheldon: What did I do? ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: What did I do? ,Leonard: You left with his date. Friends don’t do that to each other. ,"Sheldon: Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Raj: Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?,"Leonard: Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten. ",Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. ,1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. ,Dr Koothrappali: Drunk?,"Sheldon: And boring, her words. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Dr Koothrappali: Now listen to me….,Raj: Please wait until I get into the hall. ,"Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.",Leonard: Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?,"Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. ",1
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. ",Leonard: So you’re not going to see her again?,Sheldon: Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits),1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: Okay, the X10s are online.","Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap). ","Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I’ve got goosebumps. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.","Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop. ","Sheldon: No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See! ",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Penny: Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why? ",All together: Because we can. (There is a loud noise),Sheldon: They found the remote controlled cars.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: Wireless webcams, wave hello. ","Howard: The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv. ",Sheldon: You may want to put on slacks. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Credits sequence,"Scene: The same, clearing up.","Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Howard: I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother. ,Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers. ,Sheldon: Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash? ","Sheldon: Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. ",Leonard: It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates. ,Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out. ,"Leonard: Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.","Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Howard: Forget the parties? What a nerd. ,Leonard: Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?,"Sheldon: Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Howard: I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….","Leonard: Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.","Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. ","Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it.",Sheldon: You can’t. I’m the lead author. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: You can’t. I’m the lead author. ,"Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically. ","Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. ","Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis. ",Sheldon: It doesn’t need proving. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: It doesn’t need proving. ,Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?,"Sheldon: They’re not supposed to, but they should. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: They’re not supposed to, but they should. ","Leonard: Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings. ",Sheldon: And I forbid it. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: And I forbid it. ,Leonard: You forbid it?,Sheldon: If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. ,"Leonard: Oh, you admit that it’s our work.","Sheldon: No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon (unlocking his mailbox): Hello Penny.  ,Penny: Get anything good? ,"Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.","Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week. ","Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. ","Penny: Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…",Sheldon: Oh dear God! ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Oh dear God! ,"Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh. ",Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.,"Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it. ",Sheldon: Huh.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Huh.,Penny: Well how do you feel?,Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.,Penny: Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend. ,Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. ,Penny: Wait… what? ,Sheldon: I couldn’t poop this morning. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: I couldn’t poop this morning. ,"Penny: You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out. ",Sheldon: It’s certainly preferable to my plan.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: It’s certainly preferable to my plan.,Penny: Which was? ,Sheldon: A powerful laxative. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: A powerful laxative. ,"Penny: Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.","Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea? ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea? ","Penny: Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…","Sheldon: Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? ","Penny: Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words.","Sheldon: In what words then, exactly",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: In what words then, exactly","Penny: Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s ",Sheldon: What did he say?,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Penny: You had a lucky hunch. ,"Leonard (coming out of apartment): Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….",Sheldon: Don’t you ever speak to me again. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit. ,"Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving for the conference. ",Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch. ,Leonard: Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that.,Sheldon: Then why did you say it.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Then why did you say it.,"Leonard: I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my…",Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?,"Leonard: No, no not at all. A little bit. ",Sheldon: How’d that work out for you?,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: How’d that work out for you?,"Penny (entering): Leonard, ready to go?","Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero. ","Leonard: Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.","Sheldon: And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Leonard: Let’s go.,Penny: Bye Sheldon. ,"Sheldon: Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon (who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses): Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. ","Leonard: I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science.","Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?",Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.,"Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. ",Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.,"Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man. ","Leonard: Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.","Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. ","Leonard: Really, so why did you come?",Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.,Leonard: I didn’t screw it up.,"Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. ","Leonard: I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.",Sheldon: So you admit that you’re an egotist?,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: So you admit that you’re an egotist?,"Leonard: Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.","Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)",Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your mind. ,Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. ,Leonard (knocking his hands down): Stop it.,"Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.",Leonard: You were trying to blow up my head.,Sheldon: So it was working.,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: So it was working.,"Leonard: It wasn’t, it was not, you are a nutcase.","Sheldon: Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Leonard (getting Sheldon on floor): Vulcan nerve pinch!,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home. ,Leonard: You’re lucky I didn’t run you over. ,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. ","Leonard: You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help. ","Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. ",Leonard: Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologise for?,Sheldon: Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for. ,1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Raj: Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. ,Leonard: What? ,"Sheldon: Now, who would do that?",1
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Howard: That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). ",Leonard: Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?,"Sheldon: Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Scene: The downstairs lobby.,"Leonard: See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.","Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?",Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I don’t know. ,Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. ,"Leonard: Alright, oh wait, they use it to in…","Sheldon: (Buzzing noise), too late, I win. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Penny (voice off, singing, quite tunelessly): Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. ",Leonard: What the hell is that? ,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Penny: You’ll never guess what just happened.,"Leonard: Oh, I give up.","Sheldon: I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Leonard: Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?","Penny: Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?",Sheldon: I have a conclusion based on an observation.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Leonard: Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.","Penny: It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know. ",Sheldon: I think I know.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Together: No.,"Leonard: Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.",Sheldon: I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Penny: Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys. ",Leonard: See you. (Penny exits singing) ,Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.,"Leonard: Yes, I did. ","Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.",Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. ","Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.","Sheldon: No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Credits sequence,Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I need to speak to you.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: I need to speak to you.,Leonard: It’s two o’clock in the morning,Sheldon: It’s important.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: It’s important.,Leonard: I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there? ,Sheldon: Yes. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Yes. ,Leonard (opening door): What? ,"Sheldon: You’re right, it can wait until morning. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: You’re right, it can wait until morning. ","Leonard (following Sheldon into living room): What, what, what, what, what? ","Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.","Leonard: Sheldon, what is it? ",Sheldon: I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. ,Leonard: What was I supposed to say. ,Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.,Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings. ,Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor? ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor? ,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. ,Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards? ,"Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.","Leonard: I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again. ",Sheldon: Why? ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Why? ,"Leonard: It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at. ",Sheldon: I was not aware of that. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: I was not aware of that. ,Leonard: Well now you are.,"Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. ",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)….. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)….. ",Leonard: Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?,"Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.",Leonard: How?,"Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. ",Leonard closes door. ,"Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today. ",Scene: Outside Penny’s door. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.",Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is? ,"Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.",Penny: What do you want?,Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?,Penny: I remember symposium.,"Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.","Penny: Wait, what?","Sheldon: He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.",Penny: Well imagine how I’m feeling. ,Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Scene: The living room. ,"Leonard: You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?",Sheldon: To help you. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: To help you. ,"Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help.","Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. ","Leonard: Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling. ","Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. ",Leonard: Your cousin Leopold?,"Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. ",Leonard: What’s important?,"Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. ",Leonard: Do you have a cousin Leopold.,"Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. ","Leonard: I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?","Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. ",Leonard: Un-unravelable?,"Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.","Leonard: Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.","Sheldon: Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. ",Leonard: We’re going to Long Beach?,"Sheldon: No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.","Leonard: Oh, come on!","Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.",Leonard: So he goes back into rehab?,"Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.",Leonard: You still told her I lied.,"Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?",Leonard: I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.,"Sheldon: That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. ","Leonard: So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach? ",Sheldon: Un-unravelable. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Penny: Uh-huh!,Howard: Okay. So what’s up? ,"Sheldon: Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Howard: No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. ","Penny: Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.","Sheldon: Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Well… I don’t know what to say. ,"Penny: It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian",Sheldon: Good for you. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Thanks Penny. ,"Howard: Yeah, uh, break a leg.",Sheldon: Break a leg. (She leaves),1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold. ,"Raj: Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach. ","Sheldon: It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Howard: I’m game.,Raj: Shotgun.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay," Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…","Leonard: Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not. ","Sheldon: No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. ","Leonard: What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over. ","Sheldon: Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.",Leonard: Why not? ,Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child. ,"Leonard: There is no Leo, how can you say that? ","Sheldon: You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.",Leonard: I’ve got a solution.,"Sheldon: Great, what is it?",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Great, what is it?",Leonard: Get out.,"Sheldon: Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Leonard: Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.","Man: Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.","Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.","Man: Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.","Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. ",Leonard: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Toby: It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. ,"Leonard: Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?","Sheldon: Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Oh…!,"Toby: Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.","Sheldon: No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.","Toby: Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?","Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.",Penny: Hi. How did the intervention go.,"Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. ","Penny: Well, based on what you told me, I’m not surprised. ","Sheldon: But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Penny: I’m… I’m sorry.,"Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.",Sheldon: Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.,Toby: That’s never been proven.,Sheldon: There have been studies.,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: There have been studies.,Toby: Not double blind studies.,"Sheldon: How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group. ",1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Yeah! Funny how things work out. ,Toby: And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide. ,Sheldon: Your parents made the right decision. ,1
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Toby: One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time. ",Leonard: How long is he going to stay here.,"Sheldon: He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,,"Scene: The living room of the apartment. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.",Sheldon: Checkmate.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Checkmate.,Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again?,"Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. ",Leonard: Just reset the board.,Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?","Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.",Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Leonard: How was your family?,"Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.",Sheldon: Sick? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon (running to opposite side of the room): What kind of sick?,"Penny: Oh, the flu I guess.","Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?",Penny: Maybe Friday.,"Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? ",Penny: I… I don’t…,"Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when? ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when? ","Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.","Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Leonard: Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. ","Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I understand.","Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now please leave.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Penny: Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.",Leonard: No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.),Sheldon: What?,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Scene: The kitchen,Leonard: What the hell are you doing?,Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures. ,Leonard: With lime jello?,"Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.",Leonard: I don’t think so.,Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not. ",Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting? ","Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. ",Leonard: I’m going back to bed. ,Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.,Leonard: What for? ,Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.,Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this! ,"Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.","Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? ",Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology. ,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I’m sick!",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow! ",Leonard (voice on phone): Hey.,"Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? ",Leonard (running down stairs): I’m at work. ,Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? ,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: On Sunday? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: On Sunday? ,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Why? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Why? ,Leonard: They asked me to come in.,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.",Leonard: They texted me. ,"Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. ",Leonard: No kidding?,"Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. ","Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. ",Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?,Leonard: Drink whatever you want.,Sheldon: I want soup.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I want soup.,Leonard: Then make soup. ,Sheldon: We don’t have soup. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: We don’t have soup. ,"Leonard: I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) ",Sheldon: Is that a dog?,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Is that a dog?,"Leonard: Yes, ",Sheldon: In the lab?,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Leonard (voice): No, don’t, don’t….",Howard: Hello.,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick. ","Howard (imitating his mother’s voice): Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? ",Sheldon: I need soup.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen. ,"Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much. ","Penny: How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick.",Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! ,"Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want.",Sheldon: I want soup.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I want soup.,Penny (over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home. ,"Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?",Penny: You can have soup delivered.,"Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. ","Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want.","Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.",Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek. ,Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape. ,Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home. ,"Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.",Sheldon: Good. Good.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Good. Good.,"Penny: Okay, well, you feel better.","Sheldon: Wait, where are you going? ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Wait, where are you going? ","Penny: Um, home, to write some bad cheques.",Sheldon: You’re going to leave me? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: You’re going to leave me? ,"Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before? ","Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself. ","Penny: Really, never?","Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.",Penny: Studying abroad?,"Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. ",Penny: And there was no-one there to take care of you?,"Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. ",Penny: Again?,"Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”",Penny: What does that mean?,"Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”","Penny: Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need?","Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. ","Penny: Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas. ",Sheldon: Agreed. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Penny: Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later.",Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest. ,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself?",Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. ,Penny: But Sheldon….,"Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.",Penny: I can’t believe I’m doing this. ,"Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. ",Penny: Sorry. ,Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. ,Penny: What?,Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.,"Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it.","Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. ",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. ","Penny (after a loud sigh): Soft kitty, warm kitty…",Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Penny (handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye.",Leonard: W-wait! ,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!",Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) ,Sheldon: I want grilled cheese. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I want grilled cheese. ,"Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his head. ",Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? ,Leonard: I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again. ,Sheldon: I’m very congested. ,1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I’m very congested. ,"Leonard: Yeah, so?","Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.",1
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.","Leonard: If I stand, I’ll vomit. ","Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,,Scene: The University cafeteria. ,Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.,Leonard: Lay it on me. ,"Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.",Leonard: How about that. ,"Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.",Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? ,"Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same. ",Leonard: That is a problem. ,"Sheldon: So, you see it too.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Leonard: Graduate work, very impressive.",Gablehouser: And he’s only fifteen years old.,"Sheldon: Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Gablehouser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.","Dennis: I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end. ","Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Gablehouser: Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.",Leonard: Yes sir. ,"Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. ","Dennis: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk. ",Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Leonard: What are you talking about? ,Dennis: That. ,"Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.",Dennis: Is this part of the tour? ,Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye. ,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything.","Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. ",Dennis: Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections.,"Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye. ","Dennis: You see where you went wrong, don’t you? ",Sheldon: Leonard.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Leonard.,"Leonard: Huh, yeah? ",Sheldon: Get him out. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Leonard: Not heavy ones. ,Dennis: It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.,Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? ,Dennis: Have you considered it?,Sheldon: Get him out Leonard.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.","Dennis: Wow, you won the Stephenson award.","Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. ","Dennis: Really, how old?",Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon (dramatically): Uh-uh-uh. ,Leonard: Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps.,"Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.",Howard: Antonio Salieri?,"Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. ","Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better. ","Sheldon: Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Penny: I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? ",Leonard: You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.,"Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. ","Penny: So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is. ","Sheldon: Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Howard: We liked Leonard.,"Leonard: Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?","Sheldon: Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Penny: You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?","Scene: The same, later that night",Sheldon: Hey.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over. ,Leonard: Great.,"Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.",Leonard: Great.,"Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.",Leonard: Great. ,"Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.","Leonard: Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help. ","Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?,Leonard: It would blow up.,Sheldon: Are you sure? ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Are you sure? ,Leonard: Pretty sure.,"Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?","Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully. ",Sheldon: Alright.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Alright.,Leonard: Go away.,"Sheldon: If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon (entering): So, this is engineering, huh? ",Howard (into phone): I’ll talk to you later. ,"Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.","Howard: Sheldon, what are you doing here?",Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.,"Howard: I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.","Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? ",Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle. ,"Sheldon: Really, how does it work?",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Really, how does it work?","Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. ","Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? ","Howard: No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf. ","Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.","Howard: Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.","Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. ",Howard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Yes.,Howard: Go away. ,Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that? ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that? ,"Howard: No, I thought of it all by myself. ",Sheldon: Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Scene: Raj is exiting his office.,Raj: Go away. (Sheldon exits),Sheldon: Curiouser and curiouser. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door. ,"Gablehouser (entering): Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting?","Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.","Gablehouser: Oh, what are you working on?","Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. ",Gablehouser: To what end?,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. ",Gablehouser: Who will come?,Sheldon: The Jewish people.,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: The Jewish people.,Gablehouser: What if they don’t come.,"Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. ","Gablehouser: Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.","Sheldon: Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon (voice off, sings to a Mexican tune): Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…",Scene: The welcoming party,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?",Goldfarb: Go away. ,Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem. ,Goldfarb: Please go away. ,Sheldon: Said Pharoah to Moses. ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Leonard: No, we can’t. ",Howard: I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t. ,"Sheldon: Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me. ",1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon (sarcastically): Welcome Dennis Kim. ,"Gablehouser: Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.",Sheldon: Youngest till the cyborgs rise up! ,1
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)","Leonard: Yeah, we really ruined his life. ","Sheldon: Screw him, he was weak. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There’s going to be a scene depicting Spock’s birth. ",Raj: I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception. ,"Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Howard: Kryptonian villain. Long story.,Raj: Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.) ,Sheldon: Well count me out.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Well count me out.,Howard: What? Why?,Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? ,"Leonard: Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people. ","Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Penny: I want tickets to that please. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you.","Sheldon: No, don’t. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: The needs of the many.,Howard: Outweigh the needs of the few. ,"Sheldon: Or the one. Dammit, I’ll do it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Howard: Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.",Raj: I like it.,"Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.",Raj: Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.,"Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Raj: Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. ,Leonard: Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour….,"Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. ",Leonard: Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question? ,Sheldon: I will yield.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: I will yield.,"Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?",Sheldon: He does. ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today’s physics bowl practice round. I’m Penny, and I’ll be your host, because apparently I didn’t have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn’t that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Of course. ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start. ","Penny: Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.","Sheldon: And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: I knew that too.,"Penny: Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.","Sheldon: And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Penny: Right. ,"Howard: Hey, I buzzed in. ","Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork. ",Howard: Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.,Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.  ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: Just ask another one.,Penny: Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.),Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer. ",Sheldon: Why? ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Why? ,Penny: Because it’s polite.,Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?,"Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions. ","Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? ",Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers too. ,"Sheldon: Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Howard: Okay. ,Leonard: maybe we should take a little break.,"Sheldon: Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in. ","Scene: The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.","Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.","Leonard: Can it wait, I need to talk to you.","Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. ",Leonard: Why do they say AA? ,Sheldon: Army Ants. ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Army Ants. ,Leonard: Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people. ,Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?,"Leonard: No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!","Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?","Leonard: Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team. ",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: What?,"Leonard: Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting. ",Sheldon: No you didn’t.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: No you didn’t.,"Leonard: Yes we did, I just came from it.","Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. ","Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team. ",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Why?,Leonard: Because you’re taking all the fun out of it.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?","Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more. ","Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.",Leonard: Thanks for the heads up. ,Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: It’s on, bitch. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Penny: Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down. ,"Leonard: So, is that your team.","Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?","Leslie: Hello, Sheldon. ",Sheldon: Leslie Winkle? ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Leslie Winkle? ,"Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? ","Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: The Eta Meson.,Gablehouser: Correct. ,Sheldon: Formal protest.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Formal protest.,Gablehouser: On what grounds?,Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.,"Gablehouser: Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?","Sheldon: And of course, the answer is Technetium.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Gablehouser: Correct. ,(Time shift),Sheldon: 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: Prevost’s theory of exchanges. ,(Time shift),Sheldon: Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Gablehouser: Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning. ",(Time shift),Sheldon: A sigma particle.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Gablehouser: AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)",Third Floor Janitor: The answer is minus eight by alpha. ,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?",Third Floor Janitor: Answering question. Winning physics bowl. ,Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?,"Third Floor Janitor: Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears. ","Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.",Third Floor Janitor: You didn’t answer question.,"Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!","Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer.",Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.,Gablehouser: Then what is it? ,Sheldon: I want a different question.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: I want a different question.,Gablehouser: You can’t have a different question. ,Sheldon: Formal protest.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Formal protest.,Gablehouser: Denied.,Sheldon: Informal protest.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Informal protest.,Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer.,Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.,"Gablehouser: Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct. ",Sheldon: That’s your opinion.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Gablehouser: Alright, the winner of the match is…","Leonard: Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team. ",Sheldon: I don’t understand the question. ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.,"Leonard: Sorry, somebody’s sitting there.",Sheldon: Who?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Who?,Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! ,"Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. ",1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. ",Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.,Sheldon: Who?,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Who?,"Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”",Sheldon: Alright that is very immature.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Penny: I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?",Sheldon: Absolutely.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: How do you know these things?,"Penny: I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?",Sheldon: William Shatner.,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: William Shatner.,"Leonard: Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner.",Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. ,1
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. ,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Formal protest. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.",Raj: What did they give you?,Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. ,Leonard: I don’t believe it.,"Sheldon: I know, it’s basic culinary science. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: It’s only $800?,Leonard: Yeah. And that’s my bid.,Sheldon: You bid $800.,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: You bid $800.,"Leonard: It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it. ",Sheldon: There’s only 30 seconds left in the auction.,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Raj: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.",Howard: You lucky duck. ,"Sheldon: I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.,Raj: A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?,Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. ,Scene: The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine. ,Sheldon: I understand why no-one else bid. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: Did the listing actually say miniature?,Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?,"Sheldon: In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator. ,Leonard: Yes but the elevator’s been broken for two years. ,"Sheldon: I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that? ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon. ,"Raj (off): I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up. ","Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.",Raj: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Yeah. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: Uh, just give us a few minutes.","Penny: I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late.","Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. ","Penny: You’re joking, right?","Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Penny: Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof. ","Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind. ","Sheldon: For what it’s worth, I thought it was humorous. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up. ,Scene: The living room. The time machine is set up.,Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.,Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned. ,"Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Talk about your chick magnets. ,"Raj: Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard: You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? ",Raj: He’s got a point.,"Sheldon: Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. ,Leonard: That sounds fair.,"Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? ",Raj: Twice a month.,Sheldon: Then no. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Then no. ,"Raj: Okay, every other month.",Sheldon: No. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. ","Howard: Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.","Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. ","Leonard: So, when it’s your turn you can.","Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard: And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”","Raj: Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock. ","Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.","Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?","Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Leonard: Sorry.,"Penny: Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…",Sheldon: Time machine. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?","Penny: No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…","Sheldon: Again, time machine. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Again, time machine. ","Penny: Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.",Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: My turn! ,"Scene: Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.","Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning. ",Leonard: So?,Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?,Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.,"Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. ",Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?,"Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. ",Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now? ,Sheldon: It won’t change the past. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: It won’t change the past. ,Leonard: But it would make the present so much nicer. ,Sheldon: Are you upset about something? ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Are you upset about something? ,Leonard: What was your first clue?,"Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…",Leonard: Yes I’m upset. ,Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. ,"Leonard: Yeah, good for you. ","Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? ",Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.,"Sheldon: Wow, I’m on fire tonight. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Wow, I’m on fire tonight. ","Leonard: Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines. ",Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.,Leonard: Thanks for pointing it out.,"Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. ",Leonard: Those are movies.,Sheldon: Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.","Penny: Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)",Sheldon: It’s still my turn.,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: It’s still my turn.,Scene: The living room. ,Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: What are you doing?,Leonard: I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell. ,Sheldon: Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Why?,Leonard: Just… personal reasons. ,Sheldon: My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.,"Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.","Sheldon: I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Well you can’t just call dibs.,"Raj: I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.",Sheldon: Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding war. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Will you forget dibs! ,Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.,"Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it. ","Raj: I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees. ",Sheldon: What’s the exchange rate.,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard (on phone): Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. ","Leonard: Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.","Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard: Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here. ",Penny (coming out of her flat): What the hell’s going on? ,Sheldon: You hypocrite!,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: You hypocrite!,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty! ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Leonard (after a long pause): My turn on the time machine. ,"Scene: A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701. ","Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.) ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.) ","Leonard: Sheldon, are you okay? ",Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine. ,1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine. ,"Leonard: It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?","Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. ",1
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. ","Leonard: I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)","Sheldon: Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. ","Girl: Well, that should do it.",Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.,"Leonard: Oh, hey buddy. ",Sheldon: Buddy.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Buddy.,"Howard: Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.","Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. ","Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us? ","Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. ",Leonard: Excuse me?,"Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.","Missy: It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly.",Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer? ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. ","Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)",Sheldon: Rajesh. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. ",Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.,"Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.",Missy: I guess that’s why they call you a genius. ,"Sheldon: They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Leonard: If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? ","Missy: Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day. ","Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. ","Leonard: Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room.",Sheldon: No we don’t.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: No we don’t.,"Howard: Come on, Shelly, she’s family.",Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.,Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.,Sheldon: And don’t ever call me Shelly.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Leonard: So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.,"Howard: I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right? ",Sheldon: What just happened?,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Missy: So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.","Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic. ",Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. ,Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.,Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? ",Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.,Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Penny: Wow, you don’t look that much alike.",Howard: Can I get a hallelujah. ,"Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. ","Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?",Sheldon: I’m not ignoring my sister. I’m ignoring all of you. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Howard: So I can have Penny?,"Leonard: Hell, no! ","Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? ","Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?","Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.",Leonard: Thank you. ,Sheldon: That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?","Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. ","Leonard: That’s fascinating, but I…","Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.","Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister. ","Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. ","Leonard: That’s great, but I….",Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.,Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it.,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Why?,Leonard: Because she’s your sister. ,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. ","Leonard: Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate. ",Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.,Leonard: Uh-huh. ,"Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. ","Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring. ","Sheldon: You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman! ","Howard: I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp. ","Sheldon: Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Howard: Who are you to decide that?,"Leonard: He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.","Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.",Leonard: Say what?,"Sheldon: It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about?","Raj: I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)","Sheldon: Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Leonard: We all make mistakes, let’s move on. ","Raj: Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here. ",Sheldon: How so?,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: How so?,Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte. ,"Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Raj (waving finger at him): I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.),"Howard: Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.","Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. ","Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable. ",Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. ,Missy (who has just entered): Oh really? ,Sheldon: Oops. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Oops. ,"Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone? ",Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,Missy: Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? ,"Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.",Missy: What on earth are you talking about? ,"Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. ","Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock? ","Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. ",Missy: Sheldon 2.0?,"Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.",Missy: You have got to be kidding me! ,Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. ,"Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people. ","Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. ","Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.) ",Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal. ,Missy: Go on.,"Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. ","Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area. ",Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Come on, come on, get up. ","Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.",Sheldon: I weep for humanity. ,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending. ,Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?,"Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. ",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. ","Missy: Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey.","Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)",1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)","Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Really?,"Missy: Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist. ",Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?,Missy: Well yeah.,Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.,Missy: What’s the difference?,Sheldon: What’s the difference?,1
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: What’s the difference?,Missy: Goodbye Shelly.,"Sheldon: My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Howard: It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport. ,"Penny: Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…","Sheldon: We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Raj: Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. ","Penny: So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?","Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. ","Penny: Okay, he can have carrot cake.",Sheldon: What about the cream cheese frosting.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Leonard: Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? ","Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.","Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Leonard: No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.","Penny: Uh, that’s so silly.","Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. ","Penny: What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?” ","Sheldon: It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon (answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left.,Penny: I know. I want to talk to you. ,"Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. ","Penny: Okay, can you just let me in.","Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.","Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.","Sheldon: I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Penny: Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. ","Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend? ",Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. ,Penny: Anguish?,"Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. ","Penny: Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party. ","Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. ",Penny: Nevertheless we are….,Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…,"Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink. ","Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.","Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?","Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.","Scene: Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door. ","Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)",Howard: What difference does it make?,Sheldon: The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators. ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Penny: Is that Raj and Howard?,Howard: Can you just let us in.,Sheldon: Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor. ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Howard: Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly. ","Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.",Sheldon: That’s because I didn’t bring one.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Penny: Well why not? ,Howard: Don’t ask.,Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.,Howard: Too late.,"Sheldon: Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Howard: Told you not to ask. ,"Penny: Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.","Sheldon: I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Howard: Just do it. ,Penny: It’s a non-optional social convention.,Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough. ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough. ,Howard: He came with a manual. ,"Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Scene: An electrical store.,"Penny: Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.","Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. ","Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.","Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater? ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater? ","Penny: Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print. ",Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.,"Penny: Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them. ","Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.",Penny: Exactly.,"Sheldon: Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Leonard (running in): Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) ",Scene: The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.,Sheldon: What do you think.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: What do you think.,"Penny (pointing randomly): Um, that one. ",Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch ","Penny: Oh, okay then this one. ",Sheldon: Why? ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Why? ,"Penny: I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy. ","Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. ","Penny: Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma? ","Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. ",Penny: Of course.,"Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. ",Penny: No? ,Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? ,Penny: All of them.,Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Really?,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: Huh? ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Huh? ,"Penny: Okay, so we’re getting this one?","Sheldon: Yeah, I suppose. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Penny: Okay, let’s go.","Random woman: Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff? ",Sheldon: I know everything about this stuff.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Woman: Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. ","Penny: Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available. ","Sheldon: No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Woman: Thank you. ,"Random guy: Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?",Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.,Guy: I drive a Chevy Cavalier.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.","Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.","Sheldon: Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Howard: Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)",Scene: The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer. ,"Sheldon: Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him.","Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here. ","Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. ",1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. ","Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.",Sheldon: Why? ,1
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon (to customer): Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. ",Penny: Keep walking.,"Sheldon: Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,,Scene: The apartment living room,Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.,"Howard: No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)",Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.),1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.),Howard: What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.),Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.,Howard: Well it’s not.,Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. ,"Howard: You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Howard: Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. ,Leonard (entering): Hey! ,Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.,Howard: You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey. ,"Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. ",Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?,Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them. ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Leonard: What’s going on?,"Penny: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)","Sheldon: Okay, where were we? ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Penny: GO AWAY!,"Leonard: Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk. ","Sheldon: Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Howard: Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. ","Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Howard.",Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.,Leonard: What about “damsel in distress?”,"Sheldon: Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Leonard: Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend. ",Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people. ","Howard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.","Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I’m not getting tangerine chicken.",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Leonard: She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!","Howard: Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it. ","Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. ",Leonard: Just eat your tangerine chicken. ,"Sheldon: I’d love to, but I don’t have tangerine chicken. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Leonard: Yeah. That’s the spirit. ,Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod.,"Sheldon: Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your…",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon (jumping in panic): Aieee ya! Xia si wo le. ,"Penny: I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second.",Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear? ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear? ,Penny: I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.,Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?,"Penny: Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting. ","Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is. ","Penny: All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best. ","Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)","Penny: Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment. ",Sheldon: We’re not done? ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: We’re not done? ,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. ","Penny: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out. ","Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. ","Penny: Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down? ","Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. ","Penny: Well, choose.","Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.","Penny: Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time. ","Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. ","Penny: Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…","Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. ","Penny: Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are…",Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…,"Penny: Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.",Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? ,"Penny: No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well. ","Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! ","Penny: But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years. ","Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. ",Penny: Thank you for the clarification. ,"Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.","Penny: Right, thanks.",Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.,Penny: Not the first one I’ve made today. ,Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat. ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat. ,"Penny: Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about. ","Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. ",Penny: Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A?,"Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…",Penny: Sheldon! ,"Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. ","Penny: I’m sorry, I don’t get the point. ","Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.","Penny: Sheldon, what’s the point? ","Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. ","Penny: Okay, so you’re saying I should go out with Leonard. ","Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon (to two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats): Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you) ,"Leonard: Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake. ","Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.","Leonard: No, it’s about Penny.","Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. ",Leonard: I don’t think I can go out with her tonight. ,Sheldon: Then don’t.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Then don’t.,Leonard: Other people would say “why not?” ,Sheldon: Other people might be interested. ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Other people might be interested. ,Leonard: I’m going to talk anyway.,Sheldon: I assumed you would. ,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: I assumed you would. ,"Leonard: Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous. ","Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. ",Leonard: Right.,"Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. ","Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it. ","Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. ",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. ",Leonard: You’re not helping. ,"Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?",1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?",Leonard: Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.,Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.,1
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.,"Leonard: Wow, that’s brilliant.","Sheldon: You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.) ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?","Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?","Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date.","Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it. ","Sheldon: Oh, even I know that’s lame. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard: Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.","Raj: Nice close up, by the way. ","Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. ",Leonard: That’s not a bad sign.,"Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts. ,Penny (entering): Hi.,"Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates. ",Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks. ,"Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? ","Penny: Sheldon, may I ask you a question? ","Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. ","Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl. ",Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. ,"Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac? ","Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. ",Penny: How is that not a braniac? ,"Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. ","Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me. ",Sheldon: That depends.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: That depends.,Penny: On what? ,Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? ,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon? ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon? ,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?,"Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college. ",Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?,"Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser. ",Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? ,"Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates. ","Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither. ","Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this. ",Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?,Penny: Yeah. ,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. ",Penny: What? ,"Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. ","Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment. ",Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.,"Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend. ",Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?,"Penny: Well, yeah. ","Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? ",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: I.e, I couldn’t become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I.e, I couldn’t become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.",Leonard: You could be Batman?,Sheldon: Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I’m Batman. See.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Penny: You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.","Leonard: Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?","Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) ",Leonard (chasing him): What does that mean?,Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.,Leonard: No I didn’t.,"Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. ",Leonard: What’s going on with you?,Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) ,Leonard: What’s wrong with your face? ,"Sheldon: There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.",Leonard: What? ,Sheldon: I said Good Day! (He leaves),1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath. ,"Penny: Sheldon, I’m working.",Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.,"Penny: Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?","Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. ","Penny: Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?",Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon (entering): Leonard, I’m moving out. ","Leonard: What do you mean, you’re moving out? Why? ",Sheldon: There doesn’t have to be a reason. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: There doesn’t have to be a reason. ,"Leonard: Yeah, there kind of does.","Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. ",Leonard: I’m still confused.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t see how I could have made it any simpler. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.,Howard: And some of those skinless chicks were hot. ,"Sheldon: If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pack. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Raj: Well, we all knew this day was coming. ",Leonard: That was fast. ,Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. ,Leonard: Where are you gonna live? ,Sheldon: Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Howard: Bye (runs out.) ,"Raj: Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment. ","Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? ",Raj: I hate trains. ,"Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous, you love trains. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Leonard: This could work. ,Scene: Raj’s apartment. ,Sheldon: This is a very old building. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: This is a very old building. ,Raj: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory. ,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,Raj: What? ,Sheldon: Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?,Raj: Not until now. ,"Sheldon: I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. ","Raj: Well, if you’re not comfortable staying here, Sheldon…","Sheldon: I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon (referring to Bollywood singing on television): Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?,"Raj: Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress.","Sheldon: Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. ",Raj: How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.,"Sheldon: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Obviously you’re not that familiar with Indian cinema. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Howard: Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire? ,"Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor.",Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever. ,Howard: Maybe you’d be happier on a park bench? ,Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.,Howard: Do you want to switch?,"Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. ","Howard: Get out of bed, we’re switching.","Sheldon: Now, only if you want to.",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard’s mother: If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. ","Howard: For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?",Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. ,Howard: So don’t look at it.,Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.,Howard: No kidding?,"Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. ",Howard: What about Lee Meriwether?,"Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.",Howard: Well I’m glad that’s settled. ,"Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…","Howard: Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep.","Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.",Howard: Oh for God’s sake.,"Sheldon: But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. There is an urgent rapping at the door.,"Leonard: I’m coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)","Sheldon: Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Leonard: What’s with him?,"Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it. ",Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!,Leonard: I still don’t know why you left.,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,Leonard: Why not.,Sheldon: I promised Penny. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I promised Penny. ,Leonard: You promised Penny what? ,Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!,Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret. ,"Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. ","Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.",Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!,"Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.","Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. ",1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. ",Leonard: I promise. ,Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. ,Leonard: So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem? ,Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny. ,1
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny. ,"Leonard: Penny thinks I’m too smart for her, that’s ridiculous. ","Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows. ",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,,"Scene: The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight.",Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever.,"Leonard: Please let it go, Sheldon.","Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.",Leonard: You’re nitpicking.,Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.,Howard: Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.,Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Howard: I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.",Penny (arriving with a man in tow): Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.,Sheldon: Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.","Raj: By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?","Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.","Leonard: Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.",Sheldon: You’re wearing modern underwear?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You’re wearing modern underwear?,"Leonard: Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?",Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.,Leonard: You went out and bought linen?,"Sheldon: Don’t be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Raj: Who were you respecting then?,"Leonard: What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.","Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.",Raj: What about Leslie Winkle.,Sheldon: Oh no.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh no.,Raj: Why?,"Sheldon: Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Raj: I think she’s smoking hot.,Howard: I’d hit that.,Sheldon: You’d hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Raj: I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!",Scene: The university cafeteria.,Sheldon: You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?,Leonard: How?,"Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Hey, Leslie.","Leslie: Hey, dummy.","Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leslie: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.","Leonard: Uh, sure.","Sheldon: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Leslie: Great. Call me.,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters.,Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.,Leonard: Terrific.,"Sheldon: You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.",Leonard: I kind of have other plans tonight.,"Sheldon: But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.","Leonard: Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over.","Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over.","Sheldon: Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.","Leonard: Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date?","Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking…",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking…","Leonard: Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.","Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?","Leonard: You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy?",Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.","Leonard: I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.",Sheldon: Well alright then.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Scene: The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs.,Penny: Sheldon? What are you doing?,Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.,"Penny: Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs?","Sheldon: I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.","Penny: Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?",Sheldon: Alone?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Alone?,"Penny: Yeah, why not?","Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.",Penny: Well then don’t order popcorn.,Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.,Penny: Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop.,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,Penny: They have other things.,Sheldon: What do they have?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: What do they have?,"Penny: I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries…",Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws?,"Penny: Yeah, sure.",Sheldon: I don’t like bearclaws.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I don’t like bearclaws.,Leslie (entering): Heya Penny. Dumbass.,"Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?","Penny: Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.",Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.,"Penny: Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya.","Sheldon: Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon (preparing an extension cord): Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.),"Leonard: Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?",Sheldon: I have to make pee-pee.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Penny: Had a great time, ciao (closes door.)",Scene: The university lunch room.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.","Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.",Sheldon: I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.,"Raj: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.",Sheldon: You mean like Spock?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You mean like Spock?,Raj: Sure.,Sheldon: Fascinating.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.","Howard: Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)","Sheldon: If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.",Leonard: Don’t make this hard for me.,"Sheldon: It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Scene: The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Penny.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Penny.,"Penny: Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.","Sheldon: Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?",Penny: Goodnight Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?",Penny: Excuse me?,Sheldon: I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?,"Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?",Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.,Penny: Your arch enemy?,"Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.","Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.","Sheldon: Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.","Penny: Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me.","Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.","Penny: Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: She called me dumbass.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: She called me dumbass.,Penny: I know. I heard.,"Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.","Penny: Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.","Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me.","Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know…",Sheldon: Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.,Penny: Are you going to let me talk?,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,"Penny: You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.",Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.,"Penny: Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.","Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?",Penny: Because love trumps hate.,Sheldon: Oh now you’re just making stuff up.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh now you’re just making stuff up.,Penny: Okay. Goodnight Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon (entering): When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I’d like to have a word.,"Leonard: If the word is pee-pee, just do it.","Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.",Leslie: Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.,"Sheldon: I’m listening, amuse me.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I’m listening, amuse me.","Leslie: Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours.",Sheldon: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leslie: No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)","Leonard: Sheldon, don’t make that noise, it’s disrespectful.","Sheldon: I hope so, it was a snort of derision.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Wait, where are you going?","Leslie: I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)",Sheldon: Look on the bright side.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Look on the bright side.,Leonard: What’s the bright side?,Sheldon: Only nine more months to comic-con.,1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Leonard: Oh yeah.,Scene: The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder.,"Sheldon: Captain, I’m getting an unusual reading.",1
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Yeah, that’s great, you guys want corn dogs?",Howard: Yeah.,Sheldon: That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,,"Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.","Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?","Penny: Yes, I can’t get my stupid door open.","Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?",Penny: Yeah!,Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) ,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) ,"Penny: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.",Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?,Penny: I can’t get the damned key out.,"Sheldon: Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.","Penny: Thankyou, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?","Penny: Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?","Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….","Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.","Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.","Penny (picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again): Oh, sonofabitch!","Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.","Penny: I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here.",Sheldon: And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?,Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.),Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?,"Penny: No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.",Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) ,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) ,Penny: For God’s sake! (Stomps into apartment.),Sheldon: Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Credits sequence.,Scene: Inside the apartment.,Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.,Penny: Sheldor?,Sheldon: The Conqueror.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: The Conqueror.,Penny: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.",Penny: Oh.,"Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.",Penny: What’s AFK?,Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.,Penny: OIC.,Sheldon: What does that stand for?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: What does that stand for?,"Penny: Oh, I see?","Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?","Scene: The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.",Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.,"Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Can I see them in another colour?","Sheldon: Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.,"Penny: Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?","Sheldon: It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.","Penny: Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?","Sheldon: You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.",Leonard: Want to catch me up?,"Sheldon: Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?","Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, I’m rich!",Sheldon: Level three and she thinks she’s rich! What a noob.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Penny (entering, carrying a laptop): Hi!","Leonard: Hey, check it out, it’s just corn starch and water.","Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.","Penny: Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.",Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?,"Penny: No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger.","Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.","Penny: Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?","Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?",Penny: Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?,"Sheldon: No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)","Penny: Thank you, I really appreciate this.","Sheldon: You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?,"Leonard: No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic.","Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.","Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).",Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.,Penny (whispering): Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.,"Sheldon: Danger, danger.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Danger, danger.","Penny: No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?",Sheldon: You’re in my bedroom.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: You’re in my bedroom.,Penny: Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.,Sheldon: People can’t be in my bedroom.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: People can’t be in my bedroom.,"Penny: Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?",Sheldon: I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.,Penny: Why not?,Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.,"Penny: Well, wear different pyjamas.","Sheldon: I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.","Penny: Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?",Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?,"Penny: Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.","Sheldon: Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Scene: Dr Gablehauser’s office. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk. ,"Gablehauser: People, I am very busy today.","Sheldon: I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leslie: Dr Dumbass.,"Gablehauser: Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises.",Sheldon: No she doesn’t.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: No she doesn’t.,Leslie: No I don’t.,"Sheldon: Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.",Leslie: It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.,"Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!",Gablehauser: You need to get that Dr Cooper?,"Sheldon: God, no.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: God, no.","Leslie: Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.","Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…",Gablehauser (as phone rings): Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It’s for you.,"Sheldon: Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leslie: Dumbass.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.,"Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.","Leonard: Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.","Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.",Leonard: Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone.,"Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.","Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do?","Sheldon: I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.","Leonard: You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Raj: Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.","Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.","Sheldon: Danger, danger.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Danger, danger.",Leslie (arriving): Afternoon men. Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.","Leslie: Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.",Sheldon: She comes into my room. No-one’s supposed to be in my room.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leslie: I’m not touching that.,"Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here.","Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.",Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.,"Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Howard: I’ll take the bullet.,"Leonard: Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.","Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?",Man: No.,Sheldon: Would you like to be?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Man: Uh, sure, why not?",Leonard: Sheldon…,Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?,"Man: Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)","Sheldon: There, problem solved.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.,"Penny: Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.",Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.,Penny: Got it.,"Sheldon: I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?",Penny: 22.,"Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)","Penny: Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?",Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?,"Penny: I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies.",Sheldon: Frenzy stance.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Frenzy stance.,"Penny: Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!","Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?",Penny: What?,Sheldon: These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.,"Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!",Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?",Penny: That’s on the registration?,"Sheldon: Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.","Penny: Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.",Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leonard: Hello.,Man: Hi.,"Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.",Leonard: Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?,"Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.",Leonard: Chosen by science?,"Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.",Leonard: You got Penny to sign up for online dating?,"Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.",Leonard: This is bad.,"Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.","Leonard: Really, really bad.",Sheldon: I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.,"Penny (entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed): Sheldon, what do you want.","Sheldon: Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Tom: Hi Penny.,"Penny: Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.",Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.,1
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.,"Penny: No, no, no, no, I need you now.","Sheldon: But wouldn’t you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Penny: What do you have….,Leonard and Howard together: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!,Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.,Leonard and Howard: O-o-o-oh!,Sheldon: I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Penny: I thought the blowers were more sanitary?,Leonard and Howard: Why? Don’t!,Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.","Leonard and Howard together: Well, wow, that’s incredible.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?",Raj: Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.,Sheldon: If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.",Raj: It’s a lease.,Sheldon: I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?,Raj: Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me.,Sheldon: What people?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: What people?,Raj: The people from People.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.",Leonard: Are you proud of yourself?,"Sheldon: In general, yes.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making annotations on his board.,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?",Leonard (entering with Howard): Hi Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.","Leonard: Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner.","Sheldon: Apologise, for what?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Apologise, for what?","Leonard: Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.",Sheldon: I sense you’re trying to tell me something.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I sense you’re trying to tell me something.,Howard: You were a colossal ass-hat.,"Sheldon: Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.","Leonard: Really, do tell.","Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.","Leonard: Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?",Sheldon: I had not considered that.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I had not considered that.,Leonard: Come on.,Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Scene: Outside Raj’s office.,"Leonard: And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.",Sheldon: But I’m not.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: But I’m not.,"Howard: Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.","Sheldon: Fine, what do you want me to do?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Leonard: Dr Gablehauser.,Gablehauser: Dr Hoffstadter.,Sheldon: Dr Gablehauser.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.","Gablehauser: I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.","Sheldon: Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.",Leonard: Sheldon!,"Sheldon: Oh, sorry. (Smiles)",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Gablehauser: Done.,"Howard: Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.","Sheldon: He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Damn, this is hard. (Smiles) ",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)",Leonard: You can stop smiling now.,Sheldon: Aaaah!,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Leonard: No.,"Raj: It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.","Sheldon: Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.) ",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Leonard: A lackey?,"Raj: Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.",Sheldon: Now?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.","Raj: Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.","Sheldon: There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Leonard: Well, uh, no I… the… no.",Raj: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: I can make it, but I won’t.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.","Penny: And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?",Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Penny: Shame on you guys. (Leaves),Raj: Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.,Sheldon: Now?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.",Leonard: Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.,Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: You’re welcome.,Sheldon: What took you so long?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: What took you so long?,Leonard: Just sit down and eat.,Sheldon: Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.),1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.),"Leonard: Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do?",Sheldon: I want you to check before you accept the order.,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I want you to check before you accept the order.,Leonard: Sorry.,Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?,1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?,Leonard: He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny.,"Sheldon: Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.","Howard: Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.","Sheldon: That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.",Leonard: Do the shrimpers feature in your story?,"Sheldon: No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.",Howard: Lucky?,"Sheldon: Yes, Lucky.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Leonard: He’s irony impaired, just move on.","Howard: Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.","Sheldon: While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.","Howard: So, not a puppy?","Sheldon: Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.",Leonard: A griffin?,"Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.",Leonard: And mythological.,"Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.","Howard: Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.","Sheldon: My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.",Leonard: You want to breed a new friend?,"Sheldon: That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.","Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people.","Sheldon: Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.",1
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Leonard: If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.","Howard: And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.",Sheldon: He should share our love of technology.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,,"Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters, drops his keys in the bowl by the door, then collapses onto the settee. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area.","Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard.",Leonard: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.",Leonard: I’m not going to work.,"Sheldon: Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.","Leonard: Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.",Sheldon: Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let’s go.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let’s go.,"Leonard: Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements.",Sheldon: You did.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: You did.,Leonard: And?,Sheldon: I didn’t. Let’s go.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I didn’t. Let’s go.,"Leonard: Goodnight, Sheldon.",Sheldon: But how am I going to get to work?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: But how am I going to get to work?,Leonard: Take the bus.,Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.,Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?,"Sheldon: I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.","Leonard: Oh, you’re a big boy, you’ll figure it out.","Sheldon: Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…","Penny (opening door): Sheldon, what is it?",Sheldon: Leonard’s asleep.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Leonard’s asleep.,Penny: Thanks for the update (begins to close door.),"Sheldon: No, wait. You have to drive me to work.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, wait. You have to drive me to work.","Penny: Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do.","Sheldon: But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.","Penny: Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay?",Sheldon: Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?,"Penny: Yes, Sheldon, we are friends.",Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.,"Penny: Oh, dear God.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative, ,Scene: Inside Penny’s car.,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.,"Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.",Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Sheldon: Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.","Penny: It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month.","Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.","Penny: Sheldon, it’s fine.","Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.","Penny: Uh, maybe the light’s broken.",Sheldon: Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.",Penny: Do you have any alcohol?,Sheldon: Of course not.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Of course not.,Penny: Too bad.,Sheldon: You’re going up Euclid Avenue?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: You’re going up Euclid Avenue?,Penny: Mm-hmm.,Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.,"Penny: Well, good for Leonard.","Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?",Penny: How about we just have a little quiet time now?,"Sheldon: All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.",Penny (Pulling over): Get out.,"Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.","Penny: I said, get out.",Sheldon: Okay. I’ll give it a shot. (Gets out. Penny drives away.),1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon enters. , ,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I’m ready to go home.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I’m ready to go home.",Leonard: I just got here.,"Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.","Leonard: Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks.","Sheldon: No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Leonard: Howard, help me out here.","Howard: No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side.","Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?",Leonard: How did you get here in the first place?,Sheldon: Penny. But I sense that’s no longer an option.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Scene: Howard’s motor scooter. Howard is driving, Sheldon is on the back clutching him for dear life and screaming. ", ,"Sheldon: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh God, not Euclid Avenue! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative, ,Raj: Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road anyway?,Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.,Raj: Over what?,"Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?",Raj: I’m taking you home.,"Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.",Raj: I have a better idea.,Sheldon: You want to go to pottery barn first?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Scene: Penny’s apartment, she opens the door, Sheldon is stood outside with his Star Wars sheets.", ,"Sheldon: Can you drive me to Pottery Barn? (She closes the door) Maybe if I turn off the night-light, I can keep the sheets.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area. Everyone else is present., ,Sheldon: Good morning.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,All: Good morning.,"Leonard: Sheldon, sit down.","Sheldon: She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.","Leonard: So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.",Sheldon: Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Howard: This madness has to stop.,"Leonard: Penny’s taking you to the DMV, I’m going to bed.",Sheldon: Why Penny?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight.","Penny: All right, come on Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hold on, I have one condition.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Hold on, I have one condition.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: We have to stop at Pottery Barn.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: We have to stop at Pottery Barn.,Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: And Radio Shack.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: And Radio Shack.,Penny: Fine.,Sheldon: And the comic book store.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: The DMV., ,"Sheldon: I just don’t see why I need a driver’s license, Albert Einstein never had a driver’s license.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Howard: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.","Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?",Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.,Penny: Doing what?,Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: Well, how ’bout when you were 17?","DMV Lady (to the person ahead of Sheldon in the queue): Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application?",Sheldon: I’m actually more of a theorist.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I’m actually more of a theorist.,"Howard: The application in your hand, give it to her.",Sheldon: Oh.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Oh.,"DMV Lady: Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next!","Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.",DMV Lady: Look at that sign up there.,Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Yes?,DMV Lady: Does it say I give a damn?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: No.,DMV Lady: That’s because I don’t.,"Sheldon: Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,DMV Lady: Look at the sign.,"Penny: Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C.","Sheldon: I don’t need your help, Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: I don’t need your help, Penny.","DMV Lady: Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next!","Sheldon: No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.","Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?","Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.",DMV Lady: Here’s your learner’s permit. Go away.,Sheldon: But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: Come on, let’s go.",DMV Lady: Next!,Sheldon: Aced it.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Leonard: Booting.,Howard: This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.,"Sheldon: Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?",Howard: I haven’t configured it yet. Let’s see… Bradley tank… transport truck…  Batmobile…,Sheldon: Ooh!,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon (sucking in breath): Hmmmm?,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.","Howard: Fine, what colour do you want?","Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Howard: Black it is.,"Leonard: Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.",Sheldon: I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.,"Leonard: Okay, fasten your seat belt.","Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?",Leonard: You don’t need air bags.,Sheldon: What if a simulated van rear-ends me?,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: Oh God, wait, slow, hit the brakes, hit the brakes!",(Sounds of car crashing. Penny hits Sheldon in face with pillow.),Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Scene: The same, only Sheldon and Leonard are present. Sheldon is practicing. There are sounds of squealing tyres and brakes and general panic and mayhem.", ,Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver…,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver…,Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?,"Sheldon: I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.",Leonard: Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow.,"Sheldon: No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)","Leonard: Aw, the pet store?","Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.","Leonard: So wait,you’re just gonna give up?","Sheldon: No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.",Leonard: So what is it you’re doing?,Sheldon: I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.,Leonard: What does that mean?,"Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?","Leonard: I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that.","Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.",Leonard: No kidding.,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.","Leonard: Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive!","Sheldon: No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.",Leonard: It’s never safe.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I know that now.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I know that now.","Leonard: Fine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo Novus get to work tomorrow morning?",Sheldon: Homo Novus doesn’t know.,1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: A corridor in the university. Sheldon emerges from his office in a shower cap and bathrobe. The others are turning the corner. , ,"Sheldon: Good morning, gentlemen.",1
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"(They are startled by a noise. One of them drops the plate, it smashes on the floor. Sheldon is by the drink machine, he is wearing a cloak with a hood)", ,Sheldon: You saw nothing! (Sweeps hood around himself and vanishes through cafeteria door.),1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon (entering): Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.","Leonard: Oh, good God.","Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Leonard: Hey, Leslie.","Leslie: So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.",Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?,Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”?,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.","Girl (arriving): Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant.",Sheldon: That is the prevailing opinion.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.","Ramona: Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons?","Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.",Howard: Woof.,Sheldon: The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.,"Ramona: Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.",Sheldon: It’s what I do.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.","Ramona: Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?",Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Howard: I do. I love me a cup of joe.,"Ramona: Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner?",Sheldon: I do eat dinner.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I do eat dinner.,Ramona: Great. I know a terrific little Italian place.,Sheldon: I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Ramona: Excuse me?,Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.,"Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.",Ramona: What if I brought food to your place?,"Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.",Ramona: You got it. I already have your address.,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,"Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?",Sheldon: Yes. Apparently I’m getting a free dinner.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Penny: I need to see this.,"Leonard: Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.","Sheldon: Oh, hello.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.","Ramona: Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.",Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?,"Ramona: So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.",Sheldon: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,"Leonard: Hey, aren’t you having breakfast?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?,Sheldon: Not in these pants.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Not in these pants.,"Leonard: So, how’d it go with Ramona last night?","Sheldon: Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.",Ramona (arriving): Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette .,Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it?,Ramona: Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant.,Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.,Ramona: Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.,"Sheldon: You don’t tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.",Ramona: There won’t be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.,"Sheldon: Oh, good one.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Leonard: Wait for me.,Ramona: So have you worked out the neutrino issue?,"Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.",Ramona: You’re so witty.,Sheldon: Aren’t I?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,Ramona: Dr. Cooper is working.,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m close to a breakthrough. Ooh, it tickles",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Ramona: Dr. Cooper’s working.,"Leonard: Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming?","Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.",Ramona: You’re not going to Halo night.,"Sheldon: Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Ramona: Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and",unconditional dedication of our entire lives”?,Sheldon: He did.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: He did.,Ramona: And who was that great man?,"Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.",Leonard: Seriously? You’re not coming?,Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Leonard: Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.","Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.",Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.,Ramona: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games.,Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.,Ramona: Not if he wants a Nobel Prize.,Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?,Ramona: What do you think?,Sheldon: Drat.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Drat.,Ramona: Now shall we get back to work?,Sheldon: I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, in a low voice): Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny","Penny: Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time.","Sheldon: Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.",Penny: Get rid of her how?,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.",Penny: Excuse me?,Sheldon: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Penny: Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.",Ramona (off): Dr. Cooper?!,Sheldon: Hide me.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Hide me.,Penny: Hide you?,Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.,Ramona: Why aren’t you working?,"Sheldon: Um… she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,"Leonard: Sheldon? (Pause, then more tapping) What are you doing?!",Sheldon: It’s Morse code.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: It’s Morse code.,Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall.,Leonard: We are communicating through the wall.,"Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.",Leonard: I don’t know Morse code.,Sheldon: It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning!",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: All right.,"Leonard: Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on?",Sheldon: Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.,Leonard: I know. When is she going home?,"Sheldon: Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.,Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth.,Sheldon: Come on! Don’t nitpick!,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Come on! Don’t nitpick!,Leonard: Good night.,"Sheldon: Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.",Leonard: The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod.,"Sheldon: Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.","Ramona (entering): Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed?",Sheldon: Now! Do it!,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Now! Do it!,Ramona: You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.,Sheldon: Godzilla clause?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Godzilla clause?,Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo.,Sheldon: Rats.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon (excitedly): I’ve got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates!,Ramona: It’s unbelievable! It’s paradigm-altering!,Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you.,"Ramona: Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement.","Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?","Ramona: Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?",Sheldon: Who’s Nowitzki?,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Who’s Nowitzki?,Ramona: I’m Nowitzki.,"Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit?",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit?",Ramona: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: Get out!,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,"Girl: Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away.","Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler.",Kathy: Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain?,"Sheldon: Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.",Kathy: Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address.,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,"Leonard: Sheldon, do you see what just happened here?","Sheldon: Yes, I’m getting a free pizza. I’m on a roll.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m getting a free pizza. I’m on a roll.",Scene: The living room. The guys are eating.,"Sheldon: More Pad Thai, please.",1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Howard: Sheldon, you’ve already had four servings.","Raj: You might want to slow down a bit, buddy.",Sheldon: Just one more bite.,1
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Just one more bite.,"Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: I’m just so… full.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,,Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Boggle. There is a Klingon dictionary on the table.,"Sheldon: Time. Alright Klingons, pencils down.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling.",Raj: Judge’s ruling?,Sheldon: Bilurrrbe.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Bilurrrbe.,"Penny (entering): Hey, guys, I need to use your TV.",Sheldon: What’s wrong with your TV?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Howard: Did you pay your cable bill?,"Penny: You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model.","Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…","Leonard: No, no, don’t tell her.",Sheldon: …playing Klingon Boggle.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Aw!,"Howard: What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds?","Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.",Penny: Fine.,"Sheldon: All right, Boggle warriors, kapla’!",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Howard: Look at those women.,Leonard: They’re gorgeous.,"Sheldon: Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.","Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz.",Sheldon: Is qochbe’ spelled with a (gargling) or a (guttural grunt)?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard (to Penny who has got up to leave): Hey, wh-where are you going?",Penny: To pay my cable bill.,"Sheldon: All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those?",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Why?,"Howard: Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.",Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet?",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Individual relish packets?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Individual relish packets?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Onion rings?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Onion rings?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Extra breading?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Extra breading?,Leonard: I asked.,Sheldon: What did they say?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: What did they say?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Did you protest?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Did you protest?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Vociferously?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Vociferously?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Here you go.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?",All: Yes.,Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.,Leonard: Put it on the agenda.,Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.,"Leonard: Oh, I’ll make a motion, but you’re not going to like it.",Sheldon: Fine. Mock Parliamentary procedure. At least put it on mute.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard: No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was.","Howard: Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence.",Sheldon: Who touched my…,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Who touched my…,All: Penny! Penny did it.,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,Penny: I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal?,Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.,"Penny: All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.,Penny: A sports metaphor?,"Sheldon: Yes, baseball.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Yes, baseball.","Penny: All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike?",Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.,Penny: I did?,Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?,"Penny: Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats.","Sheldon: I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.","Penny: Come on, I touched one onion ring.","Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.","Penny: Oh, honey, the buses don’t go where you live, do they?","Sheldon: Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: One of us, one of us.","Penny: Well, what a thrill.",Sheldon: You’re sitting in my spot.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: You’re sitting in my spot.,"Penny: Oh, jeez, you’ve got to be kidding me.","Sheldon: Leonard, she’s in my spot.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.",Penny: I don’t care. I’m taking a stand. Metaphorically.,"Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Strike three.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard: Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.",Howard: That’s what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon.,"Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up.","Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.","Penny: Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Why?,"Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.","Sheldon: You can’t do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Scene: The same, some minutes later.","Penny: There you go, quesadilla, salad, there’s your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Howard: What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.,Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is backing out of the apartment. Penny is waiting outside.,Sheldon: Oh! Hello.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Oh! Hello.,"Penny: Time to do your laundry, huh?",Sheldon: It’s Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: It’s Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.,"Penny: I know. Every Saturday at 8:15, easy to anticipate.",Sheldon: What are you implying?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon, holding his laundry, is looking at the machines in dismay.","Penny: Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?","Sheldon: No problem, I’ll just do my laundry another night.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: No problem, I’ll just do my laundry another night.","Penny: Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.","Sheldon: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Scene: The hallway, Penny comes storming up the stairs to the guys door.","Penny (Knock, knock, knock): Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.",Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Yes?,Penny: Where are my clothes?,Sheldon: Your clothes?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Your clothes?,"Penny: Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone.",Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?,"Penny: Sheldon, where are my clothes?","Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?",Penny: How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?,"Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!",Penny: Get them down.,Sheldon: Apologize.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Apologize.,Penny: Never.,"Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.","Penny: Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?",Sheldon: I’ve done no stupid things.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: I’ve done no stupid things.,"Penny: Look, you’ve got to meet me halfway here.","Sheldon: I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.","Leonard: Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do?","Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.",Leonard (looking out of window): A-a-a-aw!,Sheldon: Mwah-ha-ha.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.","Leonard (into phone, which has just rung): Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you.",Sheldon: Who is it?,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Who is it?,Leonard: Your mother.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me?",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes.,Scene: Outside Penny’s door.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.",1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.","Penny: Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Penny: Good night, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Penny.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Penny.,Penny: Yes?,Sheldon: Well played.,1
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Well played.,Penny: Thank you.,Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.",Raj: I don’t want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better.,Sheldon: How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.,Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.,Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.","Raj: I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors?","Sheldon: Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.",Raj: What?,"Sheldon: It’s very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Ahoy, matey.","Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.","Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion, ,Scene: The same.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.","Leonard: Well, I want to watch it now.",Sheldon: Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: Watch whatever you want.,Raj: I saw what you did there.,Sheldon: What did I do?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: What did I do?,"Leonard (answering phone): Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there.",Sheldon: What happened?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: What happened?,Leonard: Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.,"Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?,"Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I.","Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.",Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.,"Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Scene: A corridor at the university, ,"Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best?",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: What’s the emergency?,Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.,Sheldon: Where?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Woman (peering out of door): Howard, is everything okay?","Howard: Yeah, baby, I’ll be right in.",Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?","Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?”",Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?,"Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she’s here. She doesn’t exactly have clearance.",Sheldon: Really? They don’t let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: No one’s a scientist like Howard.,Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.,"Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Howard: Anything?,"Raj: Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding.",Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Howard: Hang on, there’s got to be other options.","Raj: You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years.",Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.,"Raj: Oh, snap.",Sheldon: Snap what?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Raj: What’s Plan B?,"Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.",Sheldon: Why wasn’t that Plan A?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Howard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.,Leonard: Psst! Psst!,Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Penny: No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.","Howard: Well, that does sound like me, but no.",Sheldon: Is there some problem?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Is there some problem?,"Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.","Sheldon: All right, goodbye.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: All right, goodbye.","Leonard: No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know.",Sheldon: Where are you going?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Where are you going?,Leonard: I can’t tell you that.,Sheldon: Who would ask me?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Who would ask me?,"Leonard: I can’t tell you that, either.",Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?,"Leonard: Yeah, I really didn’t think this through.","Sheldon: Leonard, a moment.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Leonard, a moment.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?",Leonard: I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office.,Sheldon: Are you going to the office?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Are you going to the office?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?,"Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office.",Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.,"Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office.",Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.,Leonard: I’m going to the office.,Sheldon: See? Why don’t I believe you?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: I’m going out for a while.,Howard: Okay.,Sheldon: Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?,"Penny: Okay, where is he going?",Sheldon: Leonard is going to (exaggerated) the office.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?",All: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.,"Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,All: Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh!,"Leonard: Oh, hey, guys.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard?",Howard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.",Leonard: That’s just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?,"Sheldon: I don’t make the rules, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.",Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?,Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.,1
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Steph: Hello, Howard.",Howard: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Look I’m sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I’m out.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,,Scene: The lobby. ,"Sheldon: Penny, hello.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Penny, hello.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: What is shaking?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: What is shaking?,Penny: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?",Penny: What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out.,Sheldon: I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?,Penny: Please don’t do that.,"Sheldon: All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.","Penny: So, this wasn’t the awkward part?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: No.,"Penny: Oh, all right. S’u’up?","Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?","Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.",Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.,"Penny: Yeah, Leonard told me.",Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.,Penny: To you?,"Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.","Penny: Well, what about me?",Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.,"Penny: Well, aren’t you sweet?","Sheldon: Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.","Penny: Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe.","Sheldon: You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.",Penny: I could think about you.,"Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.","Penny: Always nice talking to you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Uh, peace out!",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.",Leonard: I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.,Sheldon: And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.,Leonard: I stand corrected.,"Sheldon: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.",Steph: That’s very interesting.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice.,"Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?",Steph: No.,Sheldon: Good. What’s your favourite fruit?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Good. What’s your favourite fruit?,"Steph: Ih-uh, strawberries.","Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?","Steph: Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas.",Sheldon: Really? That’s where I was born!,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Really? That’s where I was born!,Steph: You’re kidding!,"Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.","Steph: Why, what-what-what happened?",Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.,"Steph: I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?","Sheldon: No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.","Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.",Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?,"Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.","Leonard: Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down?","Sheldon: To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.",Leonard: What landing party?,"Sheldon: You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we’ve got McCoy.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Leonard: Oo-oo-oh!,"Steph: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.",Leonard: What invitation?,"Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.","Leonard: Oh, clearly I could have.","Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I’ll find us seats.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Leonard: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.,"Steph: No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet.","Sheldon: My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?","Leonard: No, just sit here.","Sheldon: Oh, yeah, this is it.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon (showing him laptop): Tell me what you see here.,Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?,"Sheldon: This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?",Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.,"Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?",Leonard: It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks.,"Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.","Leonard: Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.","Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.","Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.",Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: This is banana bread.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: This is banana bread.,Penny: This is a door knob.,Sheldon: It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.,"Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?",Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: How can you be sure?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: How can you be sure?,"Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?","Sheldon: I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.",Penny: He’s having problems with Stephanie?,"Sheldon: She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.",Penny: We never got to the bedroom.,Sheldon: Because?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Because?,"Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.","Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?",Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Raj: You told me you were going to have the talk with him.,Howard: I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.,"Sheldon: More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.","Howard: Oh, I don’t think you can.","Sheldon: Well, why not?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.,"Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.","Sheldon: Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.","Howard: I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.","Sheldon: So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny. Zucchini bread.","Penny: Oh, thank you.",Sheldon: May I come in?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: May I come in?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.,"Penny: Well, thank you.","Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Leonard: All I’m saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can’t they do something about lactose intolerance?","Steph: Leonard, you’re going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.","Sheldon: Oh, hi Stephanie.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).",Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.,Leonard: Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?,Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.,Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?,"Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.",Leonard: Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face?,"Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.","Leonard: Oh, for god’s sakes.","Sheldon: Go ahead, it’s pre-loosened.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Steph: Do you want some help with that?,"Leonard: No, no, no, I got it.","Sheldon: No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.)",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Oh my god, are you okay?","Leonard: No, I’m not. I’m bleeding.",Sheldon: Like a gladiator!,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.","Leonard: Oh, okay, yeah, hang on a sec. (Throws up in sink)","Sheldon: FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.",Scene: The hospital.,"Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.",Leonard: I can’t remember a time when you weren’t talking.,"Sheldon: Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.","Leonard: I did not burst into tears, my eyes just got a little watery.",Sheldon: Watery?,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Leonard: Oh, are you still going to spend the night?","Steph: Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest.","Sheldon: She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.","Leonard: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.",Leonard (after Sheldon tuts): What?,"Sheldon: Well, you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can’t understand why women have such a hard time loving you.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Leonard: It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.","Penny: Well, then who did?","Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.",Leonard: You hacked my facebook account?,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.",1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.",Leonard: Are you insane? Now she’s going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship! And you want to know what the worst part is? You don’t even understand what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that you are not an expert in!,Sheldon: In which I am not an expert.,1
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Howard: Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”,"Leonard: Really? Oh, look at that, I have a girlfriend.","Sheldon: If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Scene: The apartment. ,"Steph: I don’t see anything at all, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.","Leonard: Me, too.",Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Leonard: No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.","Steph: Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Then it must be a tumour.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Steph: I Seriously doubt it.,Leonard: Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.,Sheldon: Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Steph: Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed","Leonard: Okay, I’ll be right in.","Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.",Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?,Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.,Leonard: Good night.,"Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.","Leonard: No, you’re not.","Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.",Leonard: We’re not living together.,"Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.",Leonard: That’s absurd.,"Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.","Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.","Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.",Leonard: I’m going to bed.,"Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Scene: The kitchen.,"Leonard: No, absolutely not.",Sheldon: It’s not a big deal. We have latex gloves.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Leonard: I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.","Steph: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.","Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.",Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?,Steph: He did very nicely.,Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Steph: I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?,"Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!","Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.","Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.","Leonard: Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.",Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Leonard: Okay, bye-bye.",Steph: Bye.,Sheldon: What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Leonard: Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?,"Penny: You know, she seems very nice.","Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.",Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?,Sheldon: Like hippies.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Like hippies.,Leonard: We’re not living together.,Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Scene: The hospital.,"Steph: Sheldon, what are you doing here?",Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.,Steph: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?,"Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.",Steph: Thank you.,Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?,"Steph: I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.,"Steph: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?","Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.",1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.","Steph: Go home, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum, ,"Steph: Oh, no.",Sheldon: Wha??,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Wha??,"Steph: You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.",Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?,1
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?,Steph: You’re going to need to stop talking immediately.,Sheldon: For how…,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,,Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.",Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?,Sheldon: Like what?,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Like what?,Howard: I don’t know. Kryptonian mustard.,Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Leonard: Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.","Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?",Sheldon: Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Howard: Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.",Raj: Booya.,Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard: No.,Leonard: It’s David Underhill. So what?,Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.,"Leonard: I have two words for you. The first is big, the other’s whoop.",Sheldon: It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you’ve done since you’ve been here completely useless.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Leonard (entering): Hey, guys!",Howard: That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over!,Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.,Howard: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.,Sheldon: Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?,"Leonard: Actually, I was…",Sheldon: It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.,"Leonard: Come on, it’s just a video game. And we suck at it.",Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from the team captain.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard: So? We’re in a rock band.,"Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box.",Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard: Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.,"Penny (entering): Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?","Sheldon: No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Penny: Saturnalia?,"Howard: Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.","Sheldon: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Howard: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.","Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree.",Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?,Penny: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?,Penny: I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas?,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Howard: Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.","Penny: Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.",Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.,"Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present.","Sheldon: No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard (to Raj who is whispering in his ear): I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.,"Penny: Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.","Sheldon: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I’m going to need a ride to the mall.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"David: All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.","Leonard: See ya. ‘Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.)",Sheldon: Yes? (Leonard falls through) Did you forget your key?,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Scene: A gift shop., ,Sheldon: I don’t see anything in here a woman would want.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Leonard: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan.","Raj: Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear.","Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.","Howard: Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.",Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Raj: She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!,"Howard: Excuse me, we’re ready.","Sheldon: No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?",Howard: This one. Let’s go.,Sheldon: You put no thought into that.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: You put no thought into that.,"Howard: I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go!","Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?",Assistant: Yes?,"Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.",Assistant: Excuse me?,"Sheldon: Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.",Leonard: Yippee.,"Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Then I’ll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I’ll return the others for a full refund.",Leonard: Brilliant.,"Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.",Leonard: Do whatever you want.,"Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very gracious.     Gentlemen.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Penny: How’s your leg?,"Leonard: Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in.","Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.","Penny: Okay, here.","Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.",Penny: Turn it over.,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.",1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.","Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.",Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!,"Penny: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it.",Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!,"Penny: Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Be right back.,1
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,(Sheldon appears with all the gift baskets),Penny: Sheldon! What did you do?!,"Sheldon: I know! It’s not enough, is it? Here.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,All: MONTE.,"Howard: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armour plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.",Sheldon: Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Leonard: Maybe we should start small.,"Raj: Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball.",Sheldon: Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Raj: Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.",Leonard: How about the toaster oven?,Sheldon: What did the toaster oven ever do to you?,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Leonard: What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.","Howard: Gentlemen, goggles.","Sheldon: Yeah, this is an auspicious moment. Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Leonard: Killer robot. We built it.,"Penny: Yeah, well, it almost killed me.","Sheldon: If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.","Penny: So, who exactly does it want to kill?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Leonard: I’m begging you, stop talking.","Penny: Look, normally I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you’re a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you’re the one who’s peculiar.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Kripke (arriving): Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?","Leonard: Yes, we did, Kripke.",Sheldon: His name is Monte.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Kripke: Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.","Leonard: Come on, is that really necessary?","Sheldon: Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.","Raj: Oh, snap.","Sheldon: Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.",Raj: What difference does it make? Fat is fat.,Sheldon: There are boundaries.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: There are boundaries.,"Kripke: Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto.",Sheldon: What do you mean?,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: What do you mean?,"Kripke: There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid.",Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.,"Kripke: Tomowow, thwee o’clock, the kinetics wab.",Sheldon: Make it so.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Raj: I can’t watch anymore.,"Leonard: Sheldon, we have to call it off.","Sheldon: We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.","Leonard: Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.","Sheldon: Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.","Raj: Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.",Sheldon: You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Raj: Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?",Leonard: Not yet.,"Sheldon: Have faith, gentlemen. We don’t need Wolowitz, engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Kripke: Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.,"Leonard: Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off.","Sheldon: No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.","Raj: But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.","Sheldon: What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.","Raj: That’s not overconfidence, that’s observation.","Sheldon: Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Leonard: I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.","Kripke: Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules.","Sheldon: He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.","Kripke: I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war.",Sheldon: Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.,"Kripke: That could be easily awanged. Weady, set, go?",Sheldon: Do it.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Kripke: Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go.,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon, you got this.",Sheldon: Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new.,1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Raj: Go, Monte! Go Monte!","Leonard: Go, go, go, go!","Sheldon: Don’t hurt us, don’t hurt us,",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Scene: The apartment. Monte is in pieces on the table.,"Leonard: Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.","Sheldon: I did this. Monte was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Penny: Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.",Howard: Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.,"Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?","Howard: Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.","Sheldon: You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.",1
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.","Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren’t you getting a little carried away? I mean, it’s just a toy robot.",Sheldon: Just a toy robot?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Scene: The university cafeteria,"Raj: Mmm, gentlemen, I put it to you, the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavour.","Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant…",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Howard: Hey, I’m thinking of growing a mustache.","Leonard: Ah, no kidding! A Fu Man Chu? A handlebar pencil?",Sheldon: It is extracted from the plant…,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Leonard: Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.","Howard: Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca…",Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.,Raj: Feel better now?,"Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the Cocoa Bean, from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore!",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Howard: That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.",Raj: Fo’ shizzle.,"Sheldon: Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.",Leonard: Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.,"Sheldon: Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!",Kripke: Yeah?,Sheldon: What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?,"Kripke: I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.","Sheldon: Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?","Kripke: Yeah, I’ll do that.",Sheldon: Well I think we’re off to a terrific start.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Leonard: I suppose. I do miss whistling though.,"Penny: Oh come on, really? (Leonard whistles)",Sheldon: First warning.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny.This is for you.",Penny: Hello Sheldon.,Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Hi.,Penny: What is this?,"Sheldon: It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.","Penny: Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?","Sheldon: Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.","Penny: Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing?","Sheldon: I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.",Penny: Wait! How many questions are on this thing?,"Sheldon: Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.",Penny: Thanks pal.,"Sheldon: You got it, buddy.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: You got it, buddy.","Penny: Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant?",Sheldon: Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is reading one of the questionnaires. He tuts.,"Sheldon: Your questionnaire, very disappointing.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Your questionnaire, very disappointing.",Leonard: I answered every question Sheldon.,Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.,"Leonard: Aw, you picked up on that huh?",Sheldon: How could I not?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: How could I not?,"Leonard: Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank?","Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.",Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that!,"Sheldon: Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.","Leonard: It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum.",Sheldon: What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.",Sheldon: I don’t see how you could.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I don’t see how you could.,"Leonard: What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.",Sheldon: What do you mean!?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What do you mean!?,"Leonard: Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?",Sheldon: I did learn how to swim.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I did learn how to swim.,Leonard: On the floor.,Sheldon: The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.,Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?,"Sheldon: The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.","Leonard: No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.",Sheldon: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.,Leonard: Where are we going?,Sheldon: You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Scene: A bookshop., ,Sheldon: Coping with the death of a loved one. My condolences.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Coping with the death of a loved one. My condolences.,Woman in queue: Thank you.,Sheldon: Family or friend?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Family or friend?,Woman: Family.,"Sheldon: Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.","Leonard: Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel.",Sheldon: Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?,"Bookstore employee: Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids.",Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.,"Employee: Uh, I guess. They’re right over there by the wooden train set.",Sheldon: Oh! I love trains!,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon (picks up train): Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?","Little girl: I don’t like birds, they scare me.",Sheldon: Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?,Girl: Curious George.,Sheldon: Oh I do like monkeys!,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Oh I do like monkeys!,Girl: Curious George is a monkey.,"Sheldon: Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Girl: Okay.,"Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?",Sheldon: I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?,Girl: Rebecca.,"Sheldon: Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.","Leonard: No you’re not, let’s go.",Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Leonard and Howard: Lysine.,Raj: Damn it. I had Lysine and changed it.,Sheldon: Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!","Howard: Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.","Sheldon: See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Raj: Stu the cockatoo?,"Leonard: Yes, he’s new at the zoo.",Sheldon: It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Leonard: Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.",Howard: I can fix it.,"Sheldon: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.",Howard: Gee. Why can’t Sheldon make friends?,"Sheldon: Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.",Scene: Rock climbing centre. Sheldon and Kripke are watching someone descend the practice wall.,"Sheldon: You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.","Kripke: Nope, I wanna climb some wocks.","Sheldon: This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.","Kripke: You afwaid of heights, Cooper?","Sheldon: Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?","Kripke: Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this.","Sheldon: Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.","Kripke: Let’s go, Cooper.","Sheldon: Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.","Kripke: Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top.",Sheldon: I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.,"Kripke:You alwight there, Cooper?",Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.,Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?,Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?,Kripke: Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I don’t think I can.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Yeah, I don’t think I can.","Kripke: Well, then. Cwimb back down.","Sheldon: No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.","Kripke: So what’s the pwan, Cooper?","Sheldon: Well, it’s not exactly a plan but I think I’m going to pass out.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Howard: Okay. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3 and… (Leonard, Howard and Raj whistle “Sweet Georgia Brown” together)",Leonard: It’s a little thing but you really do miss it.,"Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Leonard: How was rock climbing?,Kripke: He passed out. Just hung there like a big sawami.,Sheldon: D-d-d! That’s where I sit.,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Kripke: Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.,"Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?","Sheldon: Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.",Leonard: What’s that?,"Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.","Howard: Me, me. Let it be me.","Sheldon: Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.",Leonard: Can I whistle?,"Sheldon: Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.",Howard: Guilty as charged. I’m out.,"Sheldon: No. You, too, are safe.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Howard: Oh come on. What do I have to do?,Penny: Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just…,"Sheldon: Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?",Leonard: He had Lysine but changed it.,"Sheldon: Yeah. Shoulda, woulda coulda, Raj.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Kripke: Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.","Howard: Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh?","Sheldon: So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.",1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.",Kripke: No.,Sheldon: No? But we’re friends!,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: No? But we’re friends!,"Kripke: I’m sowy. No, my fwiend?",Sheldon: I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?,1
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?,"Kripke: No, that’s wong. There’s an official schedule. I have no contwol over it.","Sheldon: Oh. This entire endeavour seems to have been an exercise in futility. Raj, you’re back in. He likes monkeys.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Scene: The apartment. The guys are studying a complex chart on the whiteboard.,Leonard: Hmmm.,Sheldon: The problem appears to be unsolvable.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Howard: There are too many variables. It would take forever.,"Leonard: We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.","Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.","Leonard: Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.","Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.",Raj: What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.,Sheldon: They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.",Raj: We could eat after the movie.,"Sheldon: Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Raj: Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.",Howard: Wow. I don’t see how we missed that.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees?",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Raj: That’s how we missed it.,"Leonard: Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?","Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, you know I can’t do that.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Howard: See ya.,"Raj: Later, dude.","Sheldon: They’re right, it was the only option.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is opening the apartment door. Penny comes running up stairs.,"Penny: Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Why?,Penny: Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t specify.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t specify.",Penny: Is Leonard around?,"Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?","Penny: The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent.","Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.",Penny: It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.,"Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.",Penny: Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.,"Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.","Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.",Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.,"Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.",Sheldon: That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.,Penny: Don’t be silly.,Sheldon: I’m never silly. Here.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: I’m never silly. Here.,"Penny: No, I can’t.",Sheldon: Don’t you need money?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Don’t you need money?,"Penny: Well, yeah, but…",Sheldon: This is money I’m not using.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: This is money I’m not using.,Penny: But what if you need it?,"Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.","Penny: Really? I mean, are you sure?",Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.,Penny: Are they working on that?,Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.,"Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.",Sheldon: Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?,Penny: I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.,Sheldon: Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Penny: I’m regretting this already.,Scene: Entering the lobby of the building.,"Sheldon: You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.",Leonard: Interesting.,Sheldon: Ask me why.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Ask me why.,Leonard: Do I have to?,Sheldon: Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.,Leonard: Why?,"Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: Hey, Penny. How was work?",Penny: Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Was that sarca..,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Was that sarca..,Leonard: Stop it!,"Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.","Penny: Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.",Sheldon: Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.","Penny: Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Penny: Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?",Leonard: Weird.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.",Leonard: Did you guys have an argument?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: No.,"Leonard: Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.","Sheldon: I’m at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there’s a blunder I overlooked.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Penny: Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.","Leonard: It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay.","Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner’s here.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner’s here.","Penny: Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: You’re damn right it’s okay. I’ve been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.","Sheldon: Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Leonard: Where are you going?,"Penny: Going home, where I won’t be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.","Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I’ve moved my money out of the snake can.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Howard: You want the Valley of Fire? It’s right here.,"Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?",Sheldon: Outside? I just made cocoa.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Raj: Here.,"Leonard: You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.","Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?",Leonard: I do.,Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.,Leonard: I’m not afraid of him.,"Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.","Leonard: Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?",Sheldon: They did.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: They did.,Leonard: Well?,"Sheldon: They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Howard: Yes. Koothrappali’s going to wet himself, I’m gonna throw up, Sheldon’s gonna run away, and you’re going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?","Leonard: Guys, there are four of us and one of him.",Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.",Kurt: No. What do you want?,Sheldon: You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, not now.",Sheldon: I remember him.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Raj: A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.,"Leonard: No, the problem isn’t solved. He just blew us off.",Sheldon: I’ve got it. He didn’t remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Leonard: I don’t need backup. I have right on my side. And I’m wearing cargo shorts under my pants.,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Sheldon: Congratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard has “I owe Penny $1800, Kurt” written on his forehead.) ",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Leonard: It’s kind of a fashionable look these days.,Penny: Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat.,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.","Penny: Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Darn. I can’t seem to get the hang of that.,1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Penny: Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.",Leonard: Bye.,"Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.",1
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.",Leonard: Penny’s hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!,"Sheldon: That’s your badge of honour, your warrior’s wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Howard: Not a clue.,Leonard: Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?,"Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.","Leonard: No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.","Sheldon: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.","Leonard: Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.","Sheldon: Yes, yes. Yeah, I’m definitely going with colonoscopy.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Beverley: It’s cold.,Leonard: I’ll start again.,Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.,"Beverley:  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.",Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.,"Beverley: Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.",Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Beverley: Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.","Leonard: Here’s your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?",Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.","Beverley: I’m sorry, it’s on my other laptop.",Sheldon: Aw…,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?",Beverley: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.,Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.,"Leonard: Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off.",Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.,"Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.","Sheldon: You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.","Leonard: Sheldon, you don’t give your mother enough credit. She’s warm, she’s loving, she doesn’t glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.","Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Leonard: Why are you doing this?,"Howard: You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.","Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Leonard: That was fast.,"Beverley: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.","Sheldon: It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.","Beverley: But it’s one o’clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock.",Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o’clock.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Howard: We’ll talk about this later.,"Raj: You always say that, but we never do.",Sheldon: You went to the comic book store without me.7,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance, ,Beverley: Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.,Sheldon: I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.,"Beverley: Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.",Sheldon: I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.,"Beverley: Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.","Sheldon: Oh, I can’t believe that.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: Oh, I can’t believe that.",Beverley: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.,Sheldon: My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.,Beverley: Understandable.,Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?,"Beverley: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you.",Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.,"Beverley: I feel very comfortable around you, too.","Sheldon: It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.",Beverley: Nor I.,Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?,Beverley: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?,Sheldon: I’d like to do the math.,1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: So, what do you think?",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: So, what do you think?",Beverley: I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate.,"Sheldon: Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.",Beverley: True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband.,"Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.",1
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.",Beverley: I see what you’re doing. You’re appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.,"Sheldon: You see right through me, don’t you?",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.,Howard: But what about the creek bed?,"Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.","Raj: Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed.",Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.,"Howard: I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic.",Sheldon: And I told you I wanted to see a doctor’s note.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Howard: No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.,"Leonard: No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky.","Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.",Howard: Why don’t I run away and you cover me?,"Sheldon: Because you chose your mother’s veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Raj: Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?,"Leonard: Yeah, more cutbacks.",Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.,"Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.","Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow!",Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.,Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.",Leonard: Are you done?,"Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I’m done.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: You and Leslie?,Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice!,Sheldon: Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?,"Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry about that.","Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: Calm down. We’ll figure it out.,Penny: How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.","Penny: Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You’re in my spot.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: You’re in my spot.,Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?,"Sheldon: No, I’m going to the comic book store.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: No, I’m going to the comic book store.",Penny: Then what difference does it make?,Sheldon: What difference does it make?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: What difference does it make?,Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: Don’t sit in his spot.,Penny: Fine. (Moves)  Happy?,Sheldon: I’m not unhappy.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Penny (as Sheldon enters): Shh! Act normal.,Leonard: Sheldon! How was the comic book store?,Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.,"Leonard: Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly.",Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up.,Leonard: Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?,Sheldon: They don’t talk incessantly for no particular reason.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Penny: You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.","Leonard: Don’t you dare, missy.","Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.",Leonard: What do you mean?,Sheldon: I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Scene: The same. Everyone is eating. Sheldon is perched on the back of Leonard’s chair. He keeps making moaning noises. Saying “Excuse me” he tries moving back to his spot, but the cushion is not there. He tries perching on the arm in various positions.",Leonard: Why don’t you just eat in your desk chair?,Sheldon: Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair?,Penny: Here we go.,"Sheldon: That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: Wackadoodle.,"Howard: You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”?",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Leonard: If it were your head, it would be.","Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through.","Sheldon: You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.",Penny: Why not?,Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.,"Leonard: Oh, for God’s sake, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?”",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Scene: The apartment,Leonard: Why are you crouching there?,Sheldon: This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Penny (arriving with cushion): Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.","Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new.","Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: All right.,"Penny: There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero.",Sheldon: There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.,Penny: Sit on the damn couch.,Sheldon: Nope.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Penny: It’s exactly the same…,"Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.",Sheldon: More?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: More?,Leonard: I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights?,Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace.,Leonard: Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.,Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?,Leonard: Golden Dragon.,"Sheldon: No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.","Leonard: Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.","Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything.",Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.,Sheldon: What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Penny: You did make that up, right?","Leonard: Oh, God, I wish I had.",Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Leonard?,"Leonard: Yeah, buddy?",Sheldon: I still don’t like this cushion.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Howard: What’s the plan?,"Leonard: Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight.","Sheldon: Right, just one thing before we start.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Leonard: What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny)",Penny: What the hell?,Sheldon: That was for my cushion.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: That was for my cushion.,"Leonard: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.",1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.",Penny: Screw that. (Shoots Sheldon),Sheldon: She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.,1
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.,Leonard: He’s right. You can’t. (Shoots Sheldon),"Sheldon: Well, if we’re going to descend into anarchy (Shoots Leonard)",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Scene: The Apartment
","Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six torque screwdriver.","Sheldon: Stop. We can’t do this, it’s not right.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Stop. We can’t do this, it’s not right.","Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.","Sheldon: But once you open the box, you’ve voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we’ve entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.","Penny: Oh, I love San Francisco. I wish I was going with you.","Sheldon: I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the nonequilibrium Green’s function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Leonard: You’ve heard of him?,Penny: Of course I haven’t.,"Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.","Penny: It’s kind of a funny name, though, Smoot.",Sheldon: It’s like talking to a chimp.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.","Leonard: Yeah, I wish.","Sheldon: We’re not flying, we’re taking the train.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Well, then why are you doing it?","Leonard: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train.","Sheldon: Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come?","Sheldon: Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy.",Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.","Leonard: Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take?","Sheldon: Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.",Leonard: Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,Leonard: I wouldn’t expect you to. I’ll see you later.,"Sheldon: Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.",Scene: On the train.,Sheldon: What on earth are you doing?,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: What on earth are you doing?,"Raj: Whatever it is, I’m guessing we’re doing it wrong.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: Come on, Raj.",Raj: What’s wrong with Jiffy Lubes?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Why not?,Sheldon: That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?,"Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.","Sheldon: Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.","Raj: It’s not so bad, really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.","Sheldon: He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways’ magnificent Ranakpur Express and its twelve hundred kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Howard: It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?,Leonard: Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator.,"Sheldon: Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!",Leonard: At least he’s off the train crap.,Sheldon: Whee!,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.",Leonard: My money’s on tuck and roll.,Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.,"Howard: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: All right.,Howard: That’s Summer Glau.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.","Raj: Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol?","Sheldon: Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…","Raj: Yeah-yeah, which way?",Sheldon: and the upper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you’re going as far as Portland.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.",Leonard: You’re going to need more than 11 hours.,"Sheldon: Oh, no.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, no.",Leonard: What’s the matter?,Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive.,Leonard: So?,Sheldon: So we have to go back.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: So we have to go back.,"Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.",Sheldon: You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.,Leonard: Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot?,Sheldon: It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.,Leonard: So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back.,Sheldon: Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.,Leonard: Right. Of course.,"Sheldon: Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.","Leonard: Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.","Sheldon: You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train)",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling, ,"Howard (steeling himself to talk to Summer Glau, to himself): It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed?","Sheldon: Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.",Leonard: I’ve got a better idea.,Sheldon: Are you going to be sarcastic?,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Are you going to be sarcastic?,"Leonard: Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?",Sheldon: But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.,Leonard: So?,Sheldon: The key is hidden in my room.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: The key is hidden in my room.,Leonard: So?,Sheldon: Penny would have to go into my room.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Penny would have to go into my room.,Leonard: So?,Sheldon: People don’t go in my room!,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: People don’t go in my room!,"Leonard: I see. Well, it seems once again, you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.","Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon (on phone): Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter.","Penny: Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello?","Sheldon: Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?",Penny: Your dresser? Who is this?,Sheldon: It’s Sheldon.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: It’s Sheldon.,"Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?",Sheldon: I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?,"Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what’s up?","Sheldon: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be…",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?","Leonard: He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour.","Sheldon: Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.","Penny: Oh, hang on, Sheldon, getting another call.","Sheldon: No! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Summer: You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?","Raj: You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. Now, him, he’s one of those geeks.","Sheldon: All right, now, before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this onetime grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It’s a legal right",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.","Howard: Placebo, you say. Interesting.","Sheldon: Yes, I’m still here. Where am I going? I’m on a train. Now, what you’ll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman’s sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman’s Sphere. It’s a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.","Penny: Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters.",Sheldon: That’s the wrong box. Put it back.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: That’s the wrong box. Put it back.,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?",Sheldon: Don’t read those letters!,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Don’t read those letters!,"Penny: Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.",Sheldon: Put down the letters!,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.",Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: I’m back.,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I’m back.,"Penny: What up, Moon Pie?",Sheldon: Nobody calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw!,1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Summer: No. I didn’t.,"Penny: Okay, I found the box. Now what?","Sheldon: You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.","Penny: Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?","Sheldon: No, it’s a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Now, did you hear the click?",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Summer: Sure.,"Howard: Okay. Great. Now, can I take one where it looks like we’re making out?","Sheldon: Okay, now you’re going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up, now, please put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck’s mouth.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: Hi, my name’s Leonard.",Scene: The conference.,"Sheldon: So, I’m thinking, you won the Nobel Prize what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of what has Smoot done lately? My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and when we win the Nobel Prize, you’ll be back on top.",1
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: So, I’m thinking, you won the Nobel Prize what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of what has Smoot done lately? My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and when we win the Nobel Prize, you’ll be back on top.","George Smoot: With all due respect, Dr. Cooper, are you on crack?","Sheldon: Fine! Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Damn it. I slipped.,"Howard: Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up.","Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: So, Penny has a don’t knock on my door before eleven o’clock  or I punch you in the throat rule.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Howard: You underestimate me.,Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Sheldon stands looking at his watch with his hand poised to knock. At the right moment he starts knocking.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: It’s eleven am.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: It’s eleven am.,Penny: I know. You’re safe.,Sheldon: This package came while you were at work.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: This package came while you were at work.,"Penny: Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you.",Sheldon: Excuse me.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Excuse me.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: You have to sign this.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: You have to sign this.,Penny: What is it?,"Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.","Penny: Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones.","Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?","Penny: It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing.","Sheldon: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.","Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business.","Sheldon: Obviously, not a cleaning business.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Obviously, not a cleaning business.","Penny: No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.",Sheldon: Good for you. Sign here.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Good for you. Sign here.,"Penny: Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore.",Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?,Penny: Another waitress.,Sheldon: What’s her name?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: What’s her name?,Penny: I don’t know.,Sheldon: And you’re going to let her handle my food?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And you’re going to let her handle my food?,Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.,Sheldon: I think you’re just making that up.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.,"Penny: Fine, cheeseburger.",Sheldon: Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.,"Penny: So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?",Sheldon: How many of these can you make a day?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: How many of these can you make a day?,Penny: About twenty.,Sheldon: And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?,"Penny: I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure.","Sheldon: No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.",Penny: That’s all?,Sheldon: Before taxes.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Before taxes.,"Penny: Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff.","Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.",Penny: And you know about that stuff?,"Sheldon: Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.",Penny: Who’s Radiohead?,Sheldon: I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.,"Penny: Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?",Sheldon: Of course I could.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Of course I could.,"Penny: Sheldon, wait! Will you?","Sheldon: Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?,Penny: I understand.,Sheldon: And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.,Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.,"Penny: Oh, imagine that.",Sheldon: Sarcasm. Good-bye.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster, ,Penny: There. Done.,Sheldon: All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.,"Penny: Pretty good, right?","Sheldon: That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.",Penny: A day?,Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.,Penny: That just can’t be right.,Sheldon: You’re questioning my math?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: You’re questioning my math?,"Penny: No, sorry.",Sheldon: Want me to show my work?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Want me to show my work?,"Penny: Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it.","Sheldon: All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.","Penny: Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending.","Sheldon: That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.","Penny: All right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?","Sheldon: You’re thinking of the moving assembly line, an understandable but not excusable mistake. No. The moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low-unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn’t one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny & Sheldon together: Hello. (They resume singing and working) ,"Leonard: W-W-Wait, what’s going on?",Sheldon: I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Penny: Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.","Leonard: Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.","Sheldon: Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)",Howard: Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent?,Sheldon: Hot glue.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Hot glue.,Howard: You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.,"Sheldon: It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.",Leonard: What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?,Sheldon: Intriguing.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?","Penny: Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town.","Sheldon: Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Howard: Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.,Leonard: She’d need some kind of industrial cooling system.,"Sheldon: Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?,"Howard: Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work.",Sheldon: Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard & Howard: Oh!,Penny: I’ve got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen.,Sheldon: Wow.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Wow.,"Leonard: Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.","Sheldon: Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.","Penny: Well, what’s wrong with my apartment?",Sheldon: It’s not my apartment.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Uh, pretty much any way I say that is going to hurt his feelings.","Leonard: Okay, what’s wrong with it?",Sheldon: – What’s wrong with it?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Leonard: No, it doesn’t.",Howard: Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators.,"Sheldon: Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.",Leonard: You want to fire me?,Sheldon: What I want is irrelevant. This is Penny’s decision. Penny?,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Uh-huh. Look at the comments.,"Penny: Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet.",Sheldon: Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny: How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?,Howard: We add Bluetooth!,Sheldon: Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.,"Penny: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?","Sheldon: Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny: Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?,"Leonard: The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau.","Sheldon: Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.",Howard: And I’ll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.,Sheldon: We should get to work.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.,"Penny: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.",Penny: I just don’t see how see can pull this off.,"Sheldon: Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?","Howard: They didn’t quit. They were massacred by, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.","Sheldon: Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night’s work.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Raj: We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.,"Howard: Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?",Sheldon: I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.,Penny: So?,"Sheldon: Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!",Penny: Nicely done.,"Sheldon: Thank you. You hear any union talk, you let me know.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon (waking up, singing): ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.","Penny: Honey, do you want some coffee?","Sheldon: No, I don’t drink coffee.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: No, I don’t drink coffee.","Penny: Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Penny: Leonard, help.","Leonard: Sheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make.",Sheldon: I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night.,1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny: Leonard?,"Leonard: Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail.","Sheldon: You’re right, of course.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: You’re right, of course.","Penny: Here, this will help.","Sheldon: Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.",Time shift,"Sheldon: Look at Planck’s Constant. People say it’s arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let’s reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that’s not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we’re being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let’s call it universe prime, there’s another Sheldon, let’s call him Sheldon prime…",1
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon (entering dressed as The Flash): Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?",Penny: We’re all out.,"Sheldon: No problem. I’ll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Okay, it’s done. Look, guys, for the future, I don’t mind killing the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.","Sheldon: Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not that bad.","Sheldon: Not bad? It’s horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it’ll happen to you.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Penny: Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?",Leonard: Shh-shh-shh!,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Penny: The people upstairs are moving out.,Leonard: No!,Sheldon: The horror!,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: The horror!,Leonard: Why would you just say something like that?,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Penny: How else was I supposed to say it?,"Leonard: Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.",Sheldon: The horror!,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: The horror!,"Penny: Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.","Sheldon: No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.","Penny: Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?","Sheldon: I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.","Penny: Well, I’m sure the new people will be just as quiet.",Sheldon: You can’t know that. How can you possibly know that?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Credits sequence.,Scene: Outside Howard’s house.,"Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?","Leonard: I’m sorry, that really is how it works.","Sheldon: You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Leonard: Raj, help me out here.",Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.,"Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely  PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon (removing hernia support): I guess I won’t be needing this.,"Scene: The lobby, there are boxes everywhere and removal men are carrying them up the stairs.","Sheldon: Oh, no, the new ones, they’re here.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Oh, no, the new ones, they’re here.","Leonard: Stay calm, we don’t know anything about them yet. What are you doing?",Sheldon: I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?,Leonard: The box says kitchen.,Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Blonde girl (arriving): Hello?,Leonard: Hello.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Blonde Girl: Hello.,Leonard: Hello.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: That’s nice.,"Leonard: Yeah, it is.","Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.",Alicia: Hello.,Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?,Alicia: Freakishly feline?,Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.,Leonard: Sheldon…,"Sheldon: Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: No.,Leonard: You’re making her uncomfortable.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?",Alicia: What?!,Sheldon: I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.,Alicia: I have no immediate plans.,"Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?",Alicia: Pro?,Sheldon: Alicia?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Alicia?,Alicia: Yes?,Sheldon: Welcome to the building.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Leonard: I’m helping.,Penny: I can see.,"Sheldon: Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: Cool t-shirt.,"Penny: Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging.",Sheldon: You don’t jog.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: You don’t jog.,Penny: I can start.,"Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.","Penny: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You’re welcome, Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: I’ll see you around.,"Penny: See ya. I’m dressed like a slob today, too.","Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing on an imaginary board. There is a knock on the door.,Sheldon: Come.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Come.,Penny (entering): Hey.,"Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.","Penny: Well, sort of.",Sheldon: How does one sort of…,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: How does one sort of…,"Penny: I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around?",Sheldon: He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.,"Penny: Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?","Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.","Penny: Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical.","Sheldon: It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.","Penny: Okay, now I see the giant squid head. (Leaves)","Sheldon: Oh, great! now, I have to start all over again. (Rubs out imaginary workings)",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Scene: The apartment. Penny walks in without knocking and collapses on the sofa., ,"Sheldon: Who is it? Oh hello, Penny, it’s open, come in. Sarcasm.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Who is it? Oh hello, Penny, it’s open, come in. Sarcasm.","Penny: Well, they’re all still up there.","Sheldon: You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.","Penny: I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care.","Sheldon: You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.","Penny: What are you saying, that I’m threatened by Alicia? That I’m like the old queen of the hive and it’s just time for me to go?",Sheldon: I’m just talking about bees. They’re on the discovery channel. What are you talking about?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Howard: Yeah, what’s the occasion?","Penny: No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.","Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?,Penny: Yes,"Sheldon: Good. See how it’s done, Leonard?",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Howard: Yum. Starving.,Penny: …chinese food right here.,"Sheldon: They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.",1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.","Penny: I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV?",Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.,"Penny: Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.",Sheldon: May I interject something here?,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: May I interject something here?,Penny: Please.,Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Scene: Outside the building.,"Raj: I like green lantern, I’m just saying it’s pretty lame that He can be defeated by the colour yellow.",Sheldon: Only the modern green lantern is vulnerable to yellow.,1
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Howard: According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.","Penny: Well, dead whore on TV, live one in real life.","Sheldon: Oh, great now she’s jumping up and down on the bed.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Hu-u-u-uh…. Hu-u-u-uh!,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Hu-u-u-uh…. Hu-u-u-uh!,Leonard: Problem?,Sheldon: This is Thai food.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: This is Thai food.,Howard: Here we go.,Sheldon: We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.,"Leonard: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.","Sheldon: Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.","Howard: Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately.","Sheldon: Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Raj: I could go for some goat.,"Leonard: Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight.",Sheldon: All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.,Raj: We went to the comic book store last night.,"Sheldon: Last night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic book night. Tonight, we’ll be going on Thursday, because it’s Anything Can Happen Thursday.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.",Howard: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?,"Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: Oh, absolutely.","Raj: You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you!",Sheldon: Fascinating.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Credits sequence.,"Penny: Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed?","Sheldon: To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.","Penny: You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?",Sheldon: I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Leonard: Sure. What does he like?,"Penny: I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything.","Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.",Penny: Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.,"Sheldon: Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?","Penny: Ugh, that’s what I was trying to avoid.","Sheldon: Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.","Penny: Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew?",Sheldon: A superb choice.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: A superb choice.,"Penny: Oh, great.","Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.",Penny: What’s a multiverse?,Sheldon: Get her out of here.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope, ,"Howard: Let it go, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Why should I let it go? I saw it first.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Why should I let it go? I saw it first.,"Howard: Yes, but I saw it from the front.",Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.,"Howard: Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection.",Sheldon: I need it for my Robin collection.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: I need it for my Robin collection.,Howard: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?,Sheldon: Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.,Howard: You let go.,"Sheldon: No, you!",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: No, you!",Leonard: Problem?,"Sheldon: Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.",Howard: It’s my comic book!,"Sheldon: Leonard, we need a ruling.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Leonard: I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.,Howard: I have got to learn how to draw. Hey!,"Sheldon: Once again, defeated by your own prurient interests.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Stuart: You drive a hard bargain, but here.","Penny: All right. So, um, just give me a call.","Sheldon: So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the comic book. , ,"Sheldon: Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?",Leonard: Apparently so.,Sheldon: Are you ill?,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Are you ill?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?,Leonard: When did you pick up on that?,"Sheldon: A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?","Leonard: Sure, why not?","Sheldon: Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.","Leonard: Gee, thanks a lot.",Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?,Leonard: I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy.,"Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.","Leonard: You’re right, I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.",Sheldon: My original point.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Scene: The stairs., ,"Sheldon: Chinese food, vintage video games. After the nightmare of Anything Can Happen Thursday, this is Friday night the way it was meant to be.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Stuart: It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?,"Penny: It’s Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games, right?","Sheldon: Vintage doesn’t even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It’s the buggy beta version.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Stuart: Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?","Penny: Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.","Sheldon: Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Stuart: Uh, yeah, I guess.","Penny: Sheldon, we’re a little busy here, so…",Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: What are you doing?,Stuart: We’re having coffee.,Sheldon: Isn’t it a little late for coffee?,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Penny: I’ll just go look for it.,Stuart: What’s up?,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.",Stuart: Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic?,"Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.","Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong.",Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.,"Stuart: Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.",Sheldon: Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Penny: I found the decaf!,"Stuart: Oh, great!","Sheldon: Yeah, herbal tea for me, please.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Stuart: I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.",Sheldon: Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.,"Stuart: Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right.",Sheldon: Au contraire.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Au contraire.,"Stuart: Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.",Sheldon: I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.,1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.,"Stuart: Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep.","Sheldon: So, I win.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: So, I win.","Stuart: No, I’m tired.","Sheldon: So, I win.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: So, I win.",Stuart: Fine. You win.,"Sheldon: Darn tootin’, I win.",1
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Darn tootin’, I win.","Stuart: Penny, I really had a terrific time. Penny?","Sheldon: No, no, no, no, don’t wake her. She’ll maul you like a rabid wolverine.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Raj: C3PO.,Leonard: You got it.,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.","Howard (phone rings): Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now.","Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?","Leonard: No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.","Leonard: Alright, back to the game.","Sheldon: I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.",Raj: Are you Spock?,Sheldon: I don’t like this game.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Leonard: Okay, let’s see. Are you from a TV series?",Howard: She dumped me!,"Sheldon: I bet he’s someone from Babylon 5, we’re never going to guess.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Raj: What happened with Leslie, why did she dump you?","Howard: I don’t know. She just said Howard, momma’s a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.",Sheldon: I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having  what appears be an emotional response?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Leonard: Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?",Howard: I don’t want to go anywhere.,"Sheldon: You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where  you can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Howard: Sea World, baby!","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, are you coming?",Sheldon: I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Leonard: Great, we’ll bring you back a tee-shirt.",Scene: The lobby.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour.","Penny: Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening?,Penny: Great.,Sheldon: Good. I’m glad.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Good. I’m glad.,Penny: Really? Are you drunk?,"Sheldon: I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.","Penny: That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right?","Sheldon: Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.","Penny: Mmm, what smells so good?","Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.","Penny: Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening.","Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.","Penny: Have fun, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No!",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.",Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.,"Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.",Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.,Penny: Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.,Sheldon: Where?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Where?,Penny: In your apartment.,Sheldon: What’s it doing in my apartment?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: What’s it doing in my apartment?,"Penny: Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.",Sheldon: You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?,"Penny: It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.",Sheldon: You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.,"Penny: Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.",Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?,"Penny: Yeah, why not?","Sheldon: Sure, why not? And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. ‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: So, how was your day?",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: So, how was your day?","Penny: Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don’t have to.","Sheldon: No, it’s the accepted convention. How was your day?",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: No, it’s the accepted convention. How was your day?","Penny: Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different…","Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s not going to interest me at all, just eat.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s question 20, you have to guess.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s question 20, you have to guess.","Penny: Oh, God, I don’t know Sheldon, are you Star Wars?",Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie?,"Penny: Okay, I give up, can we just do something else?",Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?,"Penny: Where did that even come from, did he say we were?","Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.","Penny: No, just mail, no benefits.","Sheldon: Hmm, I see.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Hmm, I see.",Penny: Why are you asking?,"Sheldon: I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.","Penny: Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship.",Sheldon: Can you?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Can you?,Penny: Excuse me?,Sheldon: Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?,"Penny: Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you.",Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?,"Penny: Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell?","Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…","Penny: I’m uncomfortable, Sheldon!","Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very helpful.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization, ,"Penny: I don’t think the manager’s coming tonight so, here.",Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch.,"Penny: Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with.","Sheldon: I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.","Penny: Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.",Sheldon: May I say one last thing.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: May I say one last thing.,Penny: Only if it doesn’t rhyme.,Sheldon: Alright. Goodnight.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,Sheldon: Penny.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Penny.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I can’t sleep. how are you going?,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I can’t sleep. how are you going?,Penny: Maybe that’s because your hole is still open.,Sheldon: I’m homesick.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I’m homesick.,Penny: Your home is twenty feet from here.,"Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.",Penny: Damn it. What do you want me to do,Sheldon: Sing soft kitty.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Sing soft kitty.,Penny: That’s only for when you’re sick.,Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick.,"Penny: Come on, do I really have to?",Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk.,"Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um…",Sheldon: Sleepy kitty.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Sleepy kitty.,Penny: Sleepy ki…,Sheldon: No. Start over.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: No. Start over.,"Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.",Sheldon: Penny.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Penny.,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here.,1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here.,"Penny: Oh, you’re welcome sweetie.","Sheldon: Okay, I’m sleepy now, get out.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: The stairwell. , ,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re finally home.",1
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re finally home.",Leonard: What were you doing at Penny’s?,"Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Scene: The comic book store., ,"Sheldon: Smell that? That’s the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes!",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,where no man has gone before.,Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?,Sheldon: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Howard: Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.","Raj: He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two.","Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.","Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing.","Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.",Stuart: I didn’t spoil anything.,"Sheldon: You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.",Stuart: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: Why the hell not?,Stuart: ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?",Stuart: No.,"Sheldon: Well, I have and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard’s phone rings. ,Leonard: Oh. It’s Stuart.,Sheldon: You’re not going to answer it?,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: You’re not going to answer it?,Leonard: He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny.,"Sheldon: You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.",Leonard: Why would he call me?,"Sheldon: We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.","Leonard: I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.","Leonard: No! There, it went to voice mail.",Sheldon: Aren’t you going to check your messages?,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: Aren’t you going to check your messages?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.",Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.,Sheldon: At times.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: At times.,"Howard: Guys, we have a code red.","Sheldon: Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: How teeny tiny?,Howard: It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes.,Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.,"Howard: Yeah, see, that’s the code red. It’s kind of like a jack-in-the-box, no one knows exactly when, but at some point something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.",Sheldon: Have you notified NASA?,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Howard: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.","Raj: I’m trying, but you have to admit this is pretty damn funny.",Sheldon: I agree. It’s the juxtaposition of the high-tech nature of space exploration against the banality of a malfunctioning toilet that provides the comic fodder here. Check your messages.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Howard: Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.",Raj: You mean so it doesn’t hit the fan?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humour would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. (There is a knock on the door)",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Raj: Be afraid of Penny, nice, very crafty.",Leonard: It wasn’t bad advice. It just wasn’t particularly helpful.,"Sheldon: For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.",Scene: Later.,"Sheldon: All right, what if we use this two-inch PVC to reinforce the centre cross-support?",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.,"Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.","Sheldon: You don’t really believe in that superstition, do you?",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Howard: Speaking of what goes around comes around…,"Raj: Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?",Sheldon: It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.,Raj: What if we reposition the collection tank?,Sheldon: It won’t work. No way to mount it.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: It won’t work. No way to mount it.,"Howard: Okay, here’s an idea. What if I change my name and go live with my cousin and her husband Avi in Israel?",Sheldon: That could work.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: Hang on, I think I’ve got this. Help me see if we can wedge this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.",Sheldon: You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.,"Howard: Sheldon, I know what I’m doing.","Sheldon: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Howard: Where are you going?,Leonard: Comic book store.,"Sheldon: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Raj: Me, too.","Howard: Hold on, you can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.",Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Raj: Wow, that’s heavy.","Howard: Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations.","Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.",1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.","Howard: Okay, simulated zero-gravity human waste disposal test with meat loaf analog in three, two, one. (Switches flush. Meatloaf hits ceiling.)",Sheldon: Fascinating.,1
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: Howard’s space toilet. I’ll tell you later.,"Howard: Well, they’ve deployed our solution. Let’s just all hope it works.","Sheldon: I don’t see why I have to worry. My career’s not hanging in the balance. That was a joke. It’s funny, because it’s true.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is working on a whiteboard.,"Sheldon: Oh, boy.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, boy.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.,"Leonard: Then what was oh, boy?",Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.,Leonard: There’s nothing wrong with the science here.,Sheldon: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.,"Leonard (making a change): Okay, how’s that?","Sheldon: You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.,"Leonard: Yes, how did we live before Twitter? I guess you’ll find out what it is in the morning.","Sheldon: That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Credits sequence.,Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s two o’clock in the morning.",Sheldon: Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is?,Leonard: Everybody?,"Sheldon: You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.",Leonard: You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night?,"Sheldon: He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.","Leonard: You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to.",Sheldon: Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?,Leonard: Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it.,"Sheldon: Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.",Leonard: Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole?,"Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”","Leonard: Okay, well, do you want to go?","Sheldon: Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.","Leonard: Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death.",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Leonard: Maybe.,"Sheldon: I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?","Leonard: Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now.","Sheldon: I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.","Leonard: Well, then don’t go.",Sheldon: How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.,"Leonard: All right, then go.",Sheldon: Listen to you. How can I possibly go?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Listen to you. How can I possibly go?,"Leonard: Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?","Sheldon: Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.",Leonard: How was it resolved?,Sheldon: It wasn’t. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Leonard: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.,"Raj: Our dreams are very small, aren’t they?","Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…",All: Yeah! Woo-hoo!,Sheldon: …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Leonard: It’s not gonna be the same without you.,Howard: Godspeed.,"Sheldon: Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.","Raj: Ooh, I don’t like where this is going.",Sheldon: I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.,Howard: To the North Pole?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away?,"Sheldon: I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.",Howard: Really?,"Sheldon: Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache. Now, I know I’m proposing an enormous undertaking, so why don’t you take a few moments to discuss it?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Howard: And you think you can put up with Sheldon?,"Raj: Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!","Sheldon: Well, gentlemen, have you reached a decision?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Raj: Me, too.","Howard: Oh, damn it. Peer pressure. Fine.","Sheldon: Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.",Scene: Outside Penny’s door.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What do you want?,Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.,"Penny: Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.",Sheldon: No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.",Penny: You’re all going?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: For three months?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Excuse me.,Sheldon: Is that a yes or a no on the freezer? The woman has the attention span of a gnat.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Leonard: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.","Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don’t have to apologize. There’s no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.","Sheldon: Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.",Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.",Leonard: Did she seem upset to you?,Sheldon: No. Did she seem upset to you?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: No. Did she seem upset to you?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?",Leonard: A little bit.,Sheldon: Two for two. I’m on fire.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Two for two. I’m on fire.,"Leonard: I mean, I know she’s not my girlfriend or anything, but wouldn’t you think she’d feel a little bad that I’m going to be gone for the whole summer?","Sheldon: That feels like a bonus question. I’m going to stop here while I’m ahead, but I’ve had a great time.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Scene: Inside the cheesecake factory freezer., ,"Sheldon: Alright, now the purpose of this drill is to acclimate us to the use of tools in extreme temperatures such as we will face in the Arctic Circle.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon (pointing at his brain): Right here. All right, team, open up your practice kits. As the university did not permit me to bring the actual equipment we’ll be using to the Cheesecake Factory, because apparently I’m “ridiculous,” I’ve provided substitutes which will exercise your fine motor skills. Leonard, you will be doing a series of complex mathematical problems on a vintage Casio model 1175 calculator watch I received when I won the Earth Science medal in 3rd grade. Treat it with respect. Raj, you will be painting sideburns and a Van Dyke on a six-inch figurine of Legolas the elf. Now, remember, a Van Dyke is a goatee without a moustache. Wolowitz, you will be completing a series of delicate surgical procedures on the classic children’s game, Operation. To begin with, you will remove funny bone for two hundred dollars.",Howard: For this I went to MIT.,Sheldon: And begin.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Raj: I think I swallowed some paint!,"Leonard: I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch!",Sheldon: Adversity is to be expected. Continue.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Leonard: Okay, I can’t do this.",Raj: Me either.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Howard: You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.,"Leonard: Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.",Sheldon: I hadn’t thought of that. I guess we’re done here.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Scene: The apartment kitchen., ,"Sheldon: Here, drink slash eat this.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Here, drink slash eat this.",Leonard: What is it?,Sheldon: It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter.,"Howard: Okay, why?","Sheldon: Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.","Leonard: Sheldon, you know I can’t eat butter. I’m lactose intolerant.","Sheldon: Way ahead of you, that’s an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” stick.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Howard: Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.","Mrs Koothrappali: So, she has no problem with her son being eaten by a walrus?","Sheldon: That’s very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali. If Raj dies, it’ll be from frostbite, gangrene, acute sunburn or being ripped to shreds by a fifteen hundred pound polar bear.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is asleep. There is a knock on the door.,"Leonard: Sheldon, Sheldon?","Sheldon: I want a cookie, Meemaw.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I want a cookie, Meemaw.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s me.",Sheldon: But Meemaw just made cookies.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: But Meemaw just made cookies.,"Leonard: Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: What?,Leonard: I don’t think I can go to the North Pole.,"Sheldon: Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.","Leonard: Yeah, that’s very comforting.","Sheldon: Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.","Leonard: Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go.","Sheldon: Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?",Leonard: Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.,Sheldon: What is it?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: What is it?,Leonard: It’s a blanket with sleeves.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?","Leonard: Yes, obviously.","Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.","Leonard: Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else?",Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.,"Leonard: So, I can’t go.","Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.",Leonard: You really think so?,"Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Howard: What?,Leonard: We’re out of ice.,"Sheldon: All right, men, we begin initial assembly and deployment of the testing equipment starting tomorrow at 0700 hours, but until then, you are all off duty. I suggest you keep the shenanigans to a minimum as medical help is 18 hours away by dogsled.",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Raj: He’s right.,"Howard: Yeah, wow.",Sheldon: It is remarkable.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Raj: I say double feature.,Leonard: Dinner’s ready!,Sheldon: What are we having?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: What are we having?,Leonard: Reconstituted Thai food.,Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?,Leonard: Check.,Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?,Leonard: Check.,"Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?",1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?","Leonard: Uh, oh, sorry.",Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.,1
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.,Howard: There’s no time for a crossbow. Find me an icicle.,Sheldon: Three months. This is gonna be great!,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Howard: I can’t believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.,Raj: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.,"Sheldon: I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.",Scene: The apartment door. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I’m home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I’m all but certain there’s a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’m entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I’m home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I’m all but certain there’s a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’m entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.",Leonard: I’m going to go let Penny know we’re back.,"Sheldon: Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy’s home.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: A moment later.,"Sheldon: I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won’t forget your contributions.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Howard: Great.,Raj: Thanks.,"Sheldon: Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.",Raj: We have to tell him.,Sheldon: Tell me what?,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Tell me what?,Howard: Damn his Vulcan hearing.,"Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?","Howard: Okay, Sheldon, sit down.","Sheldon: If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.","Howard: Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.","Sheldon: If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Raj: It’s not about that.,Howard: And we agreed to never speak of it again.,Sheldon: So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.,"Howard: That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Howard: Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.","Raj: He just went colon, capital O.",Sheldon: You tampered with my experiment?,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Howard: We had to.,Raj: It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian.,Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.,"Howard: Actually, it was his idea.",Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Penny: I couldn’t even think of anyone else while you were gone.,"Leonard: Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",Leonard (whispering): Do not make a sound.,Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.,"Leonard: Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Oh, this is ridiculous. What?","Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?",Penny: It’s great to see you too. Come on in.,Sheldon: Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Leonard: Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.","Penny: Okay, can someone please tell me what’s going on here?","Sheldon: What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?,"Leonard: Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.",Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.,"Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.","Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.","Leonard: Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn’t have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it’s no big deal.","Sheldon: You’re right, Leonard, it’s not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Penny knocks and enters.,Penny: Hey. Do you want to talk?,Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!,"Penny: Oh, hon… Uh… (singing)  Soft kitty, warm kitty…",Sheldon: That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.,Penny: Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song.,Sheldon: I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.,"Penny: Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through.",Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?,"Penny: Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag.",Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?,"Penny: Well, they’re pretty tasty.","Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?","Penny: Look, Sheldon, I just don’t think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it’s like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn’t true, like saying Spock didn’t care his mom died?",Sheldon: I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie!,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Raj: I feel bad for the guy.,"Leonard: Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself?","Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.",Leonard: Come on. We said we were sorry.,Sheldon: It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.,"Kripke (arriving): Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation.",Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.,Kripke: That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife.,"Sheldon: All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.",Kripke: Off a cwiff.,Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged…,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged…,Kripke: Compwetely wecked.,"Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.","Kripke: Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein’s cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you’re still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser.","Sheldon: Oh, you think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation, ,"Mrs Cooper: Here you go, Shelly.","Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.","Mrs Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.","Sheldon: Aw, Mom.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Aw, Mom.","Mrs Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all…",Sheldon: Fed.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Fed.,"Mrs Cooper: Give us, Lord, our daily…",Sheldon: Bread.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Bread.,Mrs Cooper: Please know that we are truly…,Sheldon: Grateful.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Grateful.,Mrs Cooper: For every cup and every…,Sheldon: Plateful.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Plateful.,"Mrs Cooper: Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?",Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.,Mrs Cooper: Whatever. Jesus still loves you.,Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?",Sheldon: They’re not my friends.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: They’re not my friends.,"Mrs Cooper: All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids.",Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Leonard: Uh, yes, ma’am.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, good. I’ve been praying for you. Oh, Sheldon.",Sheldon: What are they doing here?,1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Leonard: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.","Mrs Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.","Sheldon: Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.",1
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.",Mrs Cooper: And that is your opinion.,Sheldon: I forgive you. Let’s go home.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The comic book store.,"Howard: Sheldon, you’re wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws.","Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: Okay, first of all…","Raj: Give it up, dude, you’re arguing with a crazy person.",Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Leonard: There’s more to life than sex, Raj.","Howard: Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours”?",Sheldon: I did.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Leonard: It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.,"Howard: What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.",Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.,"Raj: Okay, who had Leonard gets a floppy disk?","Sheldon: Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Howard: Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.,Raj: That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, dinner’s here.",Sheldon: Tandoori Palace?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Tandoori Palace?,"Leonard: No, we went somewhere new.","Sheldon: You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?","Leonard: No, look, Mumbai Palace.",Sheldon: Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Penny: What are they talking about?,Leonard: I don’t know,Sheldon: I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…,Leonard: Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.,"Sheldon: If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Penny: Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.","Leonard: Penny, wait. Aagh! What is wrong with you?",Sheldon: I sense I may have crossed some sort of line.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.","Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard’s got one and you don’t.","Sheldon: Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Raj: What’s that?,Howard: Sounds like a cricket.,"Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.","Howard: Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that?","Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.",Raj: How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is?,"Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.","Howard: Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket.","Sheldon: Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.","Raj: Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess.",Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.,"Howard: Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket.",Sheldon: I can’t take your money.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I can’t take your money.,"Howard: What’s the matter, you chicken?","Sheldon: I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.",Raj: Chickens can’t climb trees,Sheldon: Thank God.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Thank God.,"Howard: Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me.",Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose?,"Howard: I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.","Sheldon: All right, you have a wager.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Penny: Hit me.,"Scene: The apartment, the guys are still searching for the cricket. They are inside the cupboard.",Sheldon: I don’t see anything.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Howard: Shh!,Raj: Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.),Sheldon: One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?",Howard: Shh! Elevator shaft.,Sheldon: Help me open it.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Help me open it.,Howard: Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft.,"Sheldon: Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.",Howard: Let’s open her up.,Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?,"Howard: Don’t push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.","Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself?",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The elevator shaft. Sheldon is inside.,Raj: Be careful.,"Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.",Raj (hearing the cricket): Stairwell.,"Sheldon: Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It’s really dark down here.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj has the cricket in a jar.,"Raj: Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?",Sheldon: His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.,Raj: What would you name him?,"Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.","Howard: All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast’s Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose.","Sheldon: Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Leonard: God, I had the most horrible night.",Raj: What happened?,Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.,Howard: Shiksa. Shik-sa.,"Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.","Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again.",Sheldon: We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: All right. Tell you what, let’s go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor",Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is.,"Sheldon: He’s a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave) ",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Howard: You’re such a girl. They’re just bugs.,"Raj: Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.",Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome,Prof Crawley (arriving): Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?",Prof Crawley: Who wants to know?,Sheldon: I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.,"Prof Crawley: Couldn’t wait, huh?",Sheldon: I’m sorry?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Prof Crawley: What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?,Raj: I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.,"Sheldon: No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: Well, could you look at Toby?",Prof Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket.,Sheldon: Told you.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Prof Crawley: It’s a field cricket.,Howard: Yes!,"Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?","Prof Crawley: Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.","Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.","Prof Crawley: Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything!","Sheldon: Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The lobby.,"Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book?",Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.,Penny: What do you have a safe deposit box for?,Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.,"Penny: What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular.","Sheldon: Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.","Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either.",Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?,"Penny: I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard.","Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.",Penny: What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken?,Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.,"Penny: Okay, forget the chicken.","Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.","Penny: No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard.",Sheldon: Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?,"Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.",Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.,Scene: The apartment,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: Hey. What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.",Leonard: Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life?,"Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.",1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.","Leonard: Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?",Sheldon:  Yes.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon:  Yes.,Leonard: Interesting.,Sheldon: Hardly.,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Hardly.,Leonard: Excuse me.,Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again?,1
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again?,Leonard: Little bit. (Exits),"Sheldon: Hmm. Oh, who cares?",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Scene: The apartment kitchen. Penny is cooking breakfast while singing and dancing along to “Man I Feel Like A Woman” by Shenia Twain. Sheldon enters.,"Penny: Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: No.,Penny: Why not?,"Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.",Penny: Are you fun in any of them?,Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.,"Penny: All right, want some French toast?",Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.,"Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.","Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?",Leonard: Morning.,"Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.",Leonard: Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet.,"Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.","Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.",Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?,"Leonard: No, her bed kind of… broke.",Sheldon: That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Leonard: Don’t do that.,"Penny: Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?",Sheldon: I want oatmeal.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: I want oatmeal.,"Penny: Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.","Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.","Penny: You know what, I give up. He’s impossible.","Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”","Leonard: Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.","Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.","Leonard: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.",Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?,Leonard: It’s a… (gives up),"Sheldon: Boy, that does smell good. Too bad it’s Monday.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Leonard: Wow!,Penny: I know. What are the odds?,"Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…","Leonard: Sheldon! it’s an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that?","Sheldon: I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Leonard: Come on, you guys, let it go.","Penny: Fine, whatever. Are you finished?","Sheldon: Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny: Um, yeah, sure, thanks.",Leonard: What was that?,Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.,"Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don’t.","Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Leonard: Howard, what did you do?","Howard: They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.","Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.",Howard: Really?,"Sheldon: Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Leonard: They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.,"Penny: They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.",Sheldon: Did you? I didn’t notice. Have a chocolate.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Penny: What’s this cartoon called again?,Leonard: Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.,"Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.","Penny: Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.",Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.,"Penny: Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip.",Sheldon: Thank you. Chocolate?,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny: Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…","Leonard: Okay, I know what you’re doing.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: Really?,"Leonard: Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.",Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?,"Leonard: No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.","Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.","Leonard: Well, you shouldn’t.","Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.","Leonard: No, this has to stop now.","Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.","Leonard: No, you’re not sanding Penny.","Sheldon: Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny (voice outside door): Oh’ my God, she didn’t!",Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?,"Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.",Leonard: You’re not squirting her in the face with water.,"Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.",Leonard: Forget it.,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.","Leonard: I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.","Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon You wouldn’t prefer a throaty chuckle?,Leonard: You’re not changing how Penny laughs.,"Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.","Penny (entering): Uh, sorry guys, that girl is (high pitched) freaky!",Sheldon: Come again?,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon (lower voice): Freaky?,"Penny (lower voice): Yeah, freaky.",Sheldon: Have a chocolate.,1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Howard: What are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number?,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.",1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.",Penny: Of course.,Sheldon: Thank you. (Throws a chocolate. Penny catches it in her mouth),1
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny: Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.",Leonard: Let’s go.,Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.,Leonard: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Leonard: Hey.,"Howard: Ooh, we’re honey now, are we?","Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.",Penny: You’re boring people sweetie.,"Sheldon: Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Leonard: We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.",Penny: Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving?,Sheldon: The parade.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.",Leonard: Oh. I’ll be there.,Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?,Penny: I guess I could serve both.,Sheldon: You guess? You don’t seem to have much of a handle on this.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.","Leonard: What do you mean, he’s getting deported?","Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?","Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.","Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Leonard: So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?","Raj: You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?",Sheldon: And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Leonard: Don’t worry, you’ll find another job.",Raj: Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”,"Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.",Raj: Hello Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.",Raj: I’m sad.,Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.,Raj: What are you eating?,Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Leonard: I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?,Raj: We believe cows are gods.,"Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.","Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!",Sheldon: I’m sorry.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,"Raj: Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.","Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.",Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: And you’re wrong about Hinduism and cows.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.",Raj: I’m on it.,"Sheldon: That’s happy, right?",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: That’s happy, right?",Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Nailed it.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon (arriving): Gentlemen.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?",Raj: No.,"Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…","Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.",Raj: You want me to work with you?,Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.,"Raj: Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.",Sheldon: For me.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Raj (knocking and entering): Sheldon, are you busy?",Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.,Raj: Shall I wait?,"Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?",Raj: I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.,Sheldon: For me.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: For me.,"Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.","Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.",Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: I reject them all.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I reject them all.,Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.",Raj: Wha… You’re kidding!,Sheldon: Please.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Please.,Raj: All right.,"Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?","Raj: Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years.","Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?","Raj: Sheldon, for God’s sakes, don’t make me beg.",Sheldon: Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: Fine, let’s watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.","Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.",Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.,"Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.","Sheldon: This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"(To the tune of Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, there is a montage of images, in all of which Sheldon and Raj are staring at the same equation on a whiteboard.) ",Raj: Sheldon.,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: What?,Raj: I need an aspirin.,Sheldon: Top desk drawer.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Top desk drawer.,Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: Alright?,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Alright?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: Good.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution, ,"Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?",Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?,Raj: I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space.,Sheldon: Astro means star.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Astro means star.,"Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.",Sheldon: English is your native language.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: English is your native language.,"Raj: Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this!",Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.,"Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.",Sheldon: Caca?,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Caca?,Raj: It means doo-doo.,"Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…",Raj: Aha! So I am working with you.,"Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.","Raj: Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry)","Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.",Raj: Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.",Raj: Let me finish.,Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.,"Raj: I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it.",Sheldon: Give me the eraser.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Give me the eraser.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: I said give it to me.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I said give it to me.,Raj: Come and get it.,"Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!",Raj: You are not my superior.,Sheldon: I am in every way.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Scene: Outside Raj’s flat., ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.",Raj: I’m busy.,"Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.","Raj: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.,Raj: So you were wrong.,Sheldon: I didn’t say that.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I didn’t say that.,Raj: That’s the only logical inference.,"Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.",Raj: For you or with you?,Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.,"Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.",Sheldon: I reject them all.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I reject them all.,Raj: I’ll take the job. See you Monday.,"Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.",1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.",Raj: How did you get here?,Sheldon: I walked.,1
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I walked.,Raj: So walk home.,"Sheldon: I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Leonard: Just play a potion card.,Penny: Which one?,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Leonard: Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.",Penny: How could he ruin the game?,"Sheldon: Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Leonard: See? Ruined.,"Penny: Sheldon, that is incredible.","Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.",Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.,"Sheldon: Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I’ve told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.","Leonard: Yeah, I don’t remember that.","Sheldon: June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Leonard: Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.","Raj: Hey, how come I wasn’t part of this deal?",Sheldon: You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Leonard: Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, no.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, no.",Leonard: But you have a whole bunch of ’em.,"Sheldon: Yes, I’ve moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I’ll add a guest napkin, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That’s the face napkin.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Leonard: I’ll see what I can do.,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?","Sheldon: I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.",Raj: Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today.,Sheldon: That would probably save us some time.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: That would probably save us some time.,"Raj: Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.",Raj: What about the money?,Sheldon: I have money.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: I have money.,Raj: But this is other money.,Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have?,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have?,Raj: Half of it will be mine.,Sheldon: Do you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater-vest?,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Penny: Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.",Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.,"Stuart: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?",Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.,"Stuart: All right, I won’t set one aside for you.",Sheldon: But I must have it.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: But I must have it.,"Stuart: Okay, I’ll set one aside for you.","Sheldon: Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Raj: Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?","Stuart: Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.",Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,The Next Generation is going to be participating in your tournament?,"Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?","Sheldon: You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.","Raj: Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here.","Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.","Raj: Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here.","Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.","Raj: Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here.","Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.","Raj: Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here.","Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.","Raj: No doubt, sign here.","Sheldon: From hell’s heart, I stab at thee.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Scene: The comic book store.,"Raj: Sheldon, it’s your play. Sheldon.",Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.,"Raj: Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top!","Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!","Raj: You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters.",Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?,"Raj: Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship.","Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.","Raj: Dude, you have to stop talking like that. It’s really lame.",Sheldon: Silence!,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Scene: The comic book store., ,"Sheldon: I play my endless serpent. Raj will play ecstatic frenzy, which means Larry will have to play chaos overlord, then Captain Sweatpants, molten river. I play nightshade dryad, game, set and match. Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Stuart: Nest of snakes.,Wil Wheaton: Underworld guardian.,Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.,Wil Wheaton: Invisibility spell.,Sheldon: Luminescence spell.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Luminescence spell.,Wil Wheaton: Water nymph.,Sheldon: Fire demon.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Fire demon.,Wil Wheaton: Two-headed tiger.,Sheldon: Three-headed lion.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Three-headed lion.,Wil Wheaton: Sulphur.,Sheldon: Brimstone.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Raj: Problem, Wil Wheaton?",Wil Wheaton: Hang on.,"Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.",Wil Wheaton: I think he’s got me.,"Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.",Wil Wheaton: What?,"Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.","Wil Wheaton: You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.",Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.,"Wil Wheaton: Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you.","Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.","Wil Wheaton: It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?","Sheldon: Oh, yes.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Wil Wheaton: It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.","Raj: What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him!",Sheldon: I can’t.,1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: I can’t.,Raj: Sure you can. Do it! Do it!,"Sheldon: No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny.",1
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Raj: No! Not enchanted bunny!,"Wil Wheaton: I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie.",Sheldon: I… I… I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Raj: Kites ho!,"All three: Kites, ho!","Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re misusing the word ho. It’s an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho!",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Penny: Kite fighting?,"Leonard: Oh, yeah. It’s an extremely competitive, cutthroat sport.","Sheldon: Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Penny: See ya.,"Leonard: Well, this sucks.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?","Raj: Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites.","Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex, ,Scene: The park.,"Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.",Leonard: Why wouldn’t Penny want her friends to meet me?,"Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.","Leonard: Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her.","Sheldon: You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.",Leonard: Sorry.,Sheldon: Sorry won’t bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn!,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Howard: Hold my line.,"Raj: Wait, what are you doing? I can’t scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!",Sheldon: Victory!,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Raj: Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.","Leonard: So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be?","Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.","Leonard: Oh, how kind of her.",Sheldon: Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Howard: I totally had a shot.,"Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That’s not a shot, that’s a felony. What’s worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could give me my kite back?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Howard: All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.","Leonard: Sacks, sacks…",Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.,Leonard: Huh… Scrimmage…,Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence.,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Howard: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?","Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?","Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.",Leonard: Unbelievable.,"Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.",Leonard: So you could teach me?,Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?,Leonard: Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.,"Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.","Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.","Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.","Leonard: Please, I’m asking you as a friend.",Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Fine.,Leonard: I really appreciate this.,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.",Leonard: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex, ,Leonard: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?,Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?,Leonard: What’s wrong with a football jersey?,"Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.","Leonard: I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.","Leonard: Anyway, wish me luck.","Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?","Leonard: Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way.",Sheldon: How would you put it?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: How would you put it?,"Leonard: Yeah, okay, like you said.","Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.","Leonard: Good-Bye, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?,"Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m trying to fit in, not get laughed at.",Sheldon: What’s funny about Cylon toast?,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Leonard: Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.",Penny: I know. I just need you stop talking.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Sheldon, come in.","Sheldon: Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.",Penny: There’s some in the fridge.,"Sheldon: You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.","Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.","Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?",Leonard: Mimesis?,Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.,1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.,Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?,"Sheldon: I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.","Leonard: Oh, I guess so.","Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?",1
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?","Leonard: I don’t want to fly kites, Sheldon. We’re watching football here.",Sheldon: I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game.","Sheldon: Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Leonard: We must not be playing it right.,"Penny: All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed.",Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.,Penny: Yay.,"Sheldon: You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.","Leonard: Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don’t think we can play on Sunday.",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Leonard: Wait. What are you talking about?,"Penny: My friend, Justin.","Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.",Leonard: Who is this Justin?,"Sheldon: Your turn, Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: I told you about him.,"Leonard: No, you didn’t.","Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard.","Penny: Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.","Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.","Leonard: Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.",Sheldon: I’ll just roll for you.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?,Leonard: What was your first clue?,Sheldon: Uh-oh! Industrial accident.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.,Leonard: I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!,Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.,"Penny: How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot? It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my freakin’ life!",Sheldon: It’s also your roll.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!","Leonard: I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.",Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?,"Leonard: No, we just had a little spat.","Sheldon: Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Leonard: I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch.,"Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.","Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.","Sheldon: It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?","Leonard: An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely.","Sheldon: All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.",Leonard: And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!,"Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.","Leonard: What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you!",Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car!,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car!,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I can’t listen to the two of you fight anymore.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: I can’t listen to the two of you fight anymore.,Scene: Leaving the apartment.,"Sheldon: Come on, come on, we’re late.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Come on, come on, we’re late.","Leonard: Calm down, we’ll make the movie.","Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.","Raj: Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.","Sheldon: Go, go, Power Rangers, go!",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: Hey.,"Leonard: Hey. We’re, uh, going to the movies.","Sheldon: No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Leonard: Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?","Penny: Not really, no.","Sheldon: All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone’s civil, nobody’s fighting. Have a nice evening.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Raj: Well, that was rather unpleasant.","Howard: Yeah, I don’t think I need my preshow urination anymore.","Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification, ,Howard: Hey! Look! Amazing Spider-Man 183.,Sheldon: Got it.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Howard: Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!",Raj: You brought your mother into this!,"Sheldon: Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification, ,"Penny: Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.",Penny: Is Leonard coming?,"Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.","Penny: Well, that’s not gonna happen.","Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.",Penny: Which is?,Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.,Penny: I’m busy.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.",Penny: Fine. What do you want?,"Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?","Penny: No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich.","Sheldon: You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.","Penny: Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?",Sheldon: Of course not. I’ll have my usual.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Of course not. I’ll have my usual.,Penny: Great.,Sheldon: Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?,Penny: Don’t you usually get lemonade?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Do you want lemonade?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Anything else?,"Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.",Penny: I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.,Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.,"Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you.",Sheldon: I don’t follow.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,"Penny: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go.","Sheldon: All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.",Penny: Leonard is wrong.,"Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?","Penny: I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed?",Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?,"Penny: Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?","Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.",Penny: My singing?,"Sheldon: That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.","Penny: Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so?","Sheldon: Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.","Penny: Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead!",Sheldon: And she wonders why she’s constantly undertipped.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour.",Leonard: Sure.,Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Right now would be good.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Right now would be good.,Penny (knocking): Leonard!,"Sheldon: Although, a few minutes ago would have been better.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: Really? Why not? You’re so smart, and I’m so dumb!",Scene: Raj’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: All right, what’s going on?","Leonard: It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us.",Sheldon: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.,"Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting.","Sheldon: I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.","Penny: Okay, there’s going to no more shouting and no skeet-shooting.",Sheldon: Really? Where’s your friend Justin going to sleep?,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Leonard: Always is a long time. Sure. Always.,"Penny: You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?",Sheldon: I want that one.,1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Leonard: Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.","Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.","Sheldon: Can I get this comic book, too?",1
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: He’s a musician. He’ll sleep in his own vomit, if he has to.","Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is in his spot. Beside him, a long haired bearded person is asleep. There is a guitar propped up on the arm of the sofa.",Sheldon: I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Howard: Oh, this sucks, I’m switching back to Real Sex.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Sheldon’s log, stardate 63345.3. While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower, I have remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states. Although my research is going well I do miss the warmth of human companionship. (He laughs)",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.",Penny (voice off): Sheldon help!,"Sheldon: I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..",Penny: Come in! Hurry!,Sheldon: Penny?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: I’m back here.,"Sheldon: (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..","Penny: Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom!",Sheldon: Shall I come back at a better time?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Shall I come back at a better time?,Penny: Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Hello.,"Penny: I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder.",Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.,Penny: I know. I slipped.,Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.,"Penny: Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up?",Sheldon: They’re holding umbrellas.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: They’re holding umbrellas.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: The ducks in my tub.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: The ducks in my tub.,Penny: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.","Penny: Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room.","Sheldon: Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.","Penny: Okay, can you drive me?",Sheldon: I don’t drive.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: I don’t drive.,"Penny: Well, I can’t drive!","Sheldon: Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.",Penny: Ow.,Sheldon: But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.,"Penny: No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please.",Sheldon: All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.,Penny: No one’s saying that. Let’s go.,"Sheldon: Well, it does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks, we both might die in a fiery car crash.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Raj: Huh. Mmm. Good cookies.,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?,"Penny: I don’t need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt.",Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.,Penny: One was already in an accident.,"Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.","Penny: Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes!","Sheldon: Okay, here.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Okay, here.",Penny: Seriously? Those shorts with that top?,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right.,"Penny: No… No… Oh, that’s cute.",Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.,"Penny: Okay, now, you got to help me put these on.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right.,Penny: But don’t look.,Sheldon: Don’t look?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Don’t look?,Penny: I don’t want you to see me naked.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.","Penny: Yeah, great.",Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.,"Penny: Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.",Sheldon: Ok.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Ok.,Penny: Is that my arm?,Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.,"Penny: Then, maybe you should let it go.",Sheldon: All righty.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Raj: It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?",Scene: Penny’s car.,"Sheldon: For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.","Penny: You have your learner’s permit, right?","Sheldon: Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.",Penny: Good.,Sheldon: Didn’t work out well.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Didn’t work out well.,"Penny: All right, can we please go?","Sheldon: One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?",Penny: It’s right there.,Sheldon: Where is the passenger side mirror?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Where is the passenger side mirror?,"Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood. Now, can we please go?","Sheldon: Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat. Whee! Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Scene: Penny’s car.,Penny: Could you please drive a little faster?,"Sheldon: Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that?",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that?",Penny: Nothing. The engine does that sometimes.,"Sheldon: That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.",Penny: No. The light has been on since I bought the car.,Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.,"Penny: It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.","Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.","Penny: Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm.","Sheldon: Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?",Penny: What?,Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?,"Penny: It’s not soup, it’s courage.","Sheldon: No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.",Penny: How did you see it? You said you wouldn’t look.,"Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Leonard: Okay.,Scene: The hospital waiting room.,"Sheldon: All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.",Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.,Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?,Penny: You ready know that.,"Sheldon: Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: Kidney disease?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Kidney disease?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Migraines?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Migraines?,Penny: Getting one.,Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.,Penny: Change migraine to yes.,Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?,"Penny: Oh, next question.","Sheldon: I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.","Penny: Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?",Sheldon: Episodes of sub psychotic rage.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Episodes of sub psychotic rage.,Penny: Ass.,"Sheldon: Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon, Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please just take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don’t know, comforting?","Sheldon: I’m sorry. There, there. Everything’s going to be fine. Sheldon’s here.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Leonard and Raj together: Yes! Yes!,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.",Penny: Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.,Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.,1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.,"Penny: You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.","Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.",1
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.",Penny: Sing “Soft Kitty” to me.,Sheldon: “Soft Kitty” is for when you’re sick. You’re not sick.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon (arriving): I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?",Leonard: The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.,"Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?","Leonard: Never mind, what’s your announcement?","Sheldon: Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…","Kripke: Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.","Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.",Kripke: My pweasure.,Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.,"Kripke: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical.",Sheldon: Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.,Leonard: Are you really going to be on NPR?,"Sheldon: Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.","Leonard: Very cool, congratulations.","Sheldon: Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Raj: I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, आज के नये अच्छे संगीत का घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they’re simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they’re simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.","Howard: Excuse me, I have a master’s degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.",Sheldon: Yes. Look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Penny: Hi, guys.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Howard: Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.","Penny: All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong…","Sheldon: Excuse me, may I interject?",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me, may I interject?",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.","Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Now, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Scene switches to Sheldon’s office, where the end of the tubing can be seen coming through the wall. Hissing can be heard.","Radio: Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.","Ira: Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?","Sheldon: Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon (even higher pitch): No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.",Scene cuts to university cafeteria where Kripke is holding up the radio for all to listen. ,"Sheldon: A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I’m going to kill you!",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: How ya doin’, buddy?",Sheldon: I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?,"Leonard: Come on, it wasn’t that bad.",Sheldon: What do you want?,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Raj (in a munchkin voice): We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.","Leonard: Okay, so Kripke played a joke on you.",Sheldon: It wasn’t funny.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Leonard: Raj.,Raj: You laughed.,Sheldon: Did you laugh?,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: Did you laugh?,"Leonard: I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.",Sheldon: I refuse to sink to his level.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Raj: You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.",Leonard: Are you really admitting defeat?,Sheldon: I never admit defeat.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: I never admit defeat.,Leonard: Good.,"Sheldon: However, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Leonard: Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.","Raj: That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply.","Sheldon: Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.","Leonard: No, no.",Sheldon: It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.,"Leonard: Okay, uh, that’s the spirit, but, um, let’s dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.","Sheldon: Oh! How about we put awhoopee cushion on his office chair? He’ll sit down, it’ll sound like he’s flatulent, even though he’s not.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Penny: Wow.,Scene: The apartment kitchen.,"Sheldon: All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.",Raj: What’s this?,"Sheldon: Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.",Raj: Foamy vengeance.,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly.","Leonard: This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office?","Sheldon: Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.","Raj: Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.","Sheldon: You flatter me, sir.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: You flatter me, sir.","Leonard: Let me guess, motion sensors?","Sheldon: The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.","Leonard: I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)","Sheldon: It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.",1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Raj: I believe that’s the president of the university.,Leonard: And the board of directors. Abort! Abort!,Sheldon: There is no abort.,1
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: There is no abort.,"Raj: Well, how could you not put in an abort?","Sheldon: I made a boo-boo, all right?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Scene: The apartment,"Penny: Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)","Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.",Leonard: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.,Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.,Penny: You want me to put it back?,Sheldon: Leonard.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Leonard: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.,"Howard (arriving): What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Howard: I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.","Leonard: Sure. The more, the merrier.","Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.",Leonard: Sheldon…,"Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.","Penny: Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.","Sheldon: Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Bernadette: He can’t sit somewhere else?,"Penny: Oh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he’s warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn’t direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.",Sheldon: Perhaps there’s hope for you after all.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Bernadette: I’ve been meaning to go over there.,"Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.",Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Leonard: Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.",Bernadette: That’s amazing.,"Sheldon: Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Leonard: Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?","Bernadette: Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.",Sheldon: Howard?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Howard?,Howard: Yeah?,Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?,Howard: What?,Sheldon: Bazinga. I don’t care.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Raj are playing a racing game on the Wii.,"Raj: Ha! Eat my dust, racially stereotypical plumber.",Sheldon: That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.,"Raj: And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive.",Sheldon: Just need a little more practice.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Raj: What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.","Penny (knocking and entering): Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second?","Sheldon: It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.",Penny: It’s not about shoes.,Sheldon: Then speak.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Then speak.,"Penny: Um, actually, can we do it in private?","Sheldon: All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.","Penny: Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?","Sheldon: A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.","Penny: Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.",Sheldon: Why can’t Leonard teach you?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Why can’t Leonard teach you?,Penny: ‘Cause I want to surprise him.,"Sheldon: Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me.","Sheldon: Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.",Penny: You’re sitting here playing video games all day.,"Sheldon: Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?",Penny: Sure. I did the one with the frogs.,Sheldon: The one with the frogs.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: The one with the frogs.,"Penny: Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.","Penny: Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.","Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.","Penny: Great! It’s a little insulting, but great. I’ll be KoKo.","Sheldon: Not likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2,000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Leonard: I believe you.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.,Penny: Ready to get started?,"Sheldon: One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?","Penny: Um, I don’t have one.",Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?,Penny: I have to take notes?,Sheldon: How else are you gonna study for the tests?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: How else are you gonna study for the tests?,Penny: There’s gonna be a test?,Sheldon: Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.",Penny: Ancient Greece?,"Sheldon: Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?","Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work?",Sheldon: This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.,Penny: Twenty six hundred years?,"Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?",Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.,Sheldon: Can’t you hold it?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Can’t you hold it?,Penny: Not for twenty six hundred years.,"Sheldon: Project Gorilla, entry two. I am exhausted.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Howard: I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?","Penny: Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?","Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!",Penny: Sorry.,"Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?",Penny: I don’t know.,Sheldon: How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,Penny: Hey! You don’t have to be so mean!,Sheldon: I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,"Penny: No, you just suck at teaching.","Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?","Penny: Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?",Sheldon: All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…,Penny: Not that far back!,Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?,Penny: I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky?,Sheldon: Greece.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Greece.,Penny: Damn it!,"Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?",Penny: Squared?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: No.,Penny: Aristotle?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: No.,Penny: Five?,Sheldon: Oh!,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Oh!,Penny: Then I don’t know.,Sheldon: Why are you crying?,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Why are you crying?,Penny: Because I’m stupid!,"Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.","Penny: Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?",Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.,"Penny: Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated.",Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.,"Penny: Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?",Sheldon: A good question.,1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: A good question.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?",1
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?","Penny: Oh, balls.",Sheldon: It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.","Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard (singing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.","Penny: You really didn’t like it, Sheldon?","Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.","Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.","Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?","Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.",Penny: So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree.,Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.,Penny: What is it?,"Sheldon: You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.","Penny: Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy.","Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.",Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.","Leonard: Merry Newton-mas, everyone.","Sheldon: I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.","Penny: No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane.",Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.,"Leonard: No, he doesn’t.",Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.,"Leonard: Yeah, you got me. I’m a Leibniz man.","Sheldon: Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she’ll talk some sense into you.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Penny: Why were you keeping this a secret?,"Leonard: Well, I just, I thought…","Sheldon: If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Penny: Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.,"Leonard: You are, it’s just…","Sheldon: If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Penny: Why not?,Leonard: Um…,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Beverley: It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up.,Sheldon: No trouble at all.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: I drove, Mother. I’m driving now.","Beverley: Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory.","Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.","Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper?",Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.,"Beverley: Oh, did I thank you for the flowers?",Sheldon: You did.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: You did.,Beverley: I don’t really like flowers.,"Sheldon: Neither do I, but it’s the social convention.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Leonard: I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.,"Beverley: Well, I would assume it’s because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues.",Sheldon: It’s what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Beverley: Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?,"Leonard: No. Sheldon, why didn’t you tell me?",Sheldon: My bad. I did send a gift from both of us.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Leonard: You must be very happy.,"Beverley: Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?","Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…","Leonard: Not the time, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?,"Beverley: It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.","Sheldon: Isn’t she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Leonard: When did this happen?,"Beverley: Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father?",Sheldon: September 22nd.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Beverley: Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.",Leonard: Mitzy’s dead?,"Sheldon: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Penny: I do, I’ll teach you.",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I made tea.",Leonard: I don’t want tea.,Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.,Leonard: Then why are you telling me?,Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.,Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.","Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.,Leonard: I want that too. Why are you here?,"Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.","Leonard: Thank you, that’s very comforting.",Sheldon: That’s not the comforting part.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: That’s not the comforting part.,Leonard: It’s not?,"Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.","Leonard: You’re right, I do feel better.","Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.",Leonard: You’re my surrogate family?,"Sheldon: If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about it either. Good night.",1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Beverley (gives him an uncomfortable hug): There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.",Penny: That’s the Del Taco.,Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Beverley: Thank you for taking me to the airport.,Sheldon: You’re very welcome.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: Once again, I’m driving. I’m right here.","Beverley: Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night.",Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.,Beverley: Thank you.,Sheldon: I blame Penny.,1
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?",Beverley: I think it’s best that you not know.,Sheldon: Agreed.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Leonard: Look at us. Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they’re our girlfriends.,"Howard: Yes, actual women are the best.",Sheldon: I don’t understand. What other kind of women are there?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Leonard: Got it.,Howard: Seen it.,Sheldon: Detailed analysis posted online.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Leonard: How did we get actual women?,"Raj: Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us?","Sheldon: It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.",Raj: We do?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",Raj: I don’t want to do that.,"Sheldon: All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",Raj: What about me?,"Sheldon: Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: A little later.,"Raj: Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.",Raj: Race riots?,Sheldon: The zoot suit riots.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: The zoot suit riots.,"Raj: Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around?",Sheldon: I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?,Raj: No. We would just walk around and see what’s what.,Sheldon: That’s a semantically null sentence.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: That’s a semantically null sentence.,"Raj: Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.","Sheldon: Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.","Raj: Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good.","Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?","Raj: I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.","Sheldon: Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.","Raj: Oh, boy.","Sheldon: One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.",Raj: I don’t want to go to Flatland.,Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.,Raj: Oy.,"Sheldon: Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.","Raj: Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone.","Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.",Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Tell her you’re a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: The university mixer.,Raj: Thanks for coming with me.,Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.,Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?,Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?,"Raj: Come on, let’s get a drink.",Sheldon: I don’t drink.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I don’t drink.,"Raj: Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.",Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.,"Raj: Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream.","Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.",Raj: He’ll have a Shirley Temple.,Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.,"Raj: Okay, let’s check out the females.",Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.,"Raj: That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old.",Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?,Raj: No. I’m looking for a hookup.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?","Raj: Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks.",Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?,Raj: You help me run my game.,Sheldon: Okay. What is your game?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Raj: You help me run my game.,Sheldon: Okay. What is your game?,"Sheldon: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.","Girl: Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it?",Sheldon: It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.,Girl: You’re very funny. I’m Abby.,Sheldon: I’m Sheldon. How do you do?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.,"Raj: Well, I’m a slumdog astrophysicist.",Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods),1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Martha: Hi.,Raj: Hello.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Hello.,Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?,"Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.","Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.",Sheldon: Thank you. Have you chosen one to copulate with?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Leonard: You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with… (she shuts the door in his face) Want your fish? (Opens door, takes fish, closes it again) I knew you were going to do that. Doesn’t make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse. (Opens his own apartment door to find Sheldon, Raj and the two girls playing Rock Band and performing American Woman)",Leonard: What’s going on?,Sheldon: We scored. I’m the wingman.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is learning Finnish. ,Sheldon: The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis  n.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis  n.,Raj: What was that?,"Sheldon: It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.","Raj: जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say?",Sheldon: I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.,Raj: I don’t get it. You had a great time.,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.","Raj: Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha.","Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.",Raj: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.,"Sheldon: Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.",Raj: So does that mean we can go with the girls again?,Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!,Raj: You can’t wear the hands on the date.,Sheldon: Hulk sad.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: The apartment.,Martha: Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.,"Sheldon: You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.",Martha: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: Time for bed.,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Time for bed.,Martha: Okay.,"Sheldon: Good night, puny human! (He gets up and leaves).",1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.,Martha: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Yes?,"Martha: Listen, they’re kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.","Sheldon: Well, I suppose. Come in. I’ll sleep in Leonard’s room. Good night.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Howard: A little jealous, are we?","Raj: No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order?","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.",Leonard: So what? It’s the same food.,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.",Raj: So?,"Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.","Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?","Sheldon: So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?",Leonard: It’s obviously a typo.,"Sheldon: Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Howard: It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.,Leonard: You know what? Let’s just get a pizza.,Sheldon: Good idea. We’ll go to Corleone’s.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.",Leonard: And why is that?,Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.,Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?,"Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?",Leonard (noticing their door has been broken open): What the…?,Sheldon: The TV is gone.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: The TV is gone.,Leonard: So are our laptops.,"Sheldon: Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction, ,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.",Leonard: We like games.,"Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.",Policeman: Assorted video games.,Sheldon: When does the CSI team get here?,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: When does the CSI team get here?,Policeman: What?,"Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.",Leonard: What about me?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Leonard: Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him?,Policeman: I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.,Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.,"Policeman: We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?",Policeman: Do you have any more information that might be relevant?,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.",Leonard: How is that going to help them?,"Sheldon: Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Policeman: Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.",Leonard: What are we supposed to do now?,Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.,Leonard: Does that mean you’ve ruled me out as a suspect?,"Sheldon: Oh, how I wish I could.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is restless. He gets up and checks the door is locked. He then moves his chest of drawers in front of the door. Goes back to bed., ,Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder. Drat.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Leonard: Hey, there’s no reason for you to be scared.",Penny: I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",Leonard: Hand me the bat.,"Sheldon: We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?","Penny: It won’t happen again, what’s up?",Sheldon: Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.,"Leonard: We’re fine, Sheldon.","Sheldon: All right, then. Good night.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny: Good night. That was weird, even for him.",Leonard: Mm-hmm.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",Penny: Who is it?,Sheldon: Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.,Penny: Yes?,Sheldon: May I come in?,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: May I come in?,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: I see you’re drinking wine.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I see you’re drinking wine.,"Leonard: Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed.",Sheldon: Uh-huh.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Uh-huh.,"Penny: Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight?","Sheldon: Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.",Leonard: What do you want?,"Sheldon: It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.",Leonard: But you don’t like other people.,Sheldon: I do tonight. It’s scary over there.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny: Um… three little kittens? Three little pigs? God, I don’t know. Star Wars?",Leonard: Did we win? Can we go to bed?,"Sheldon: Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Leonard: He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.","Penny: Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you’re feeling insecure, but we’ve really got to go to sleep.",Sheldon: All right. I’ll take the first watch and wake you at 0400.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Woman on TV: Where are you going?,Man on TV: Just gonna take a look around outside.,Sheldon: Bad idea.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Bad idea.,"Woman on TV: No, Jim, don’t open the door!","Sheldon: Listen to her, Jim.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Listen to her, Jim.","Man on TV: Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.)","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny!",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Scene: Outside the apartment. ,"Howard: All right, we’ve got a titanium dead bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.",Sheldon: What if they cut the power?,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: What if they cut the power?,Raj: There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply.,Sheldon: What if someone steals my keys?,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: What if someone steals my keys?,Raj: There are independent voice and fingerprint scanners.,"Sheldon: What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny (entering): Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?","Leonard: Sorry, let me help you.",Sheldon: Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.,"Howard: Don’t worry, the net’s going to be electrified. Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.",Sheldon: Better.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Better.,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: Sheldon’s journal. Security system in place. However, sleep continues to elude me. I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses, and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice, I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks, probably playing Donkey Kong on my classic Nintendo. (Hears a noise. Goes to check, then panics and climbs out window onto ledge.) Oh, dear. I am the master of my own bladder. (Crawls along to Leonard’s window, where Leonard and Penny are inside being intimate. Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny: Oh, my…","Leonard: God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there?",Sheldon: I heard a noise.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I heard a noise.,Leonard: It was us. We knocked over a lamp.,Sheldon: Why would you knock over a lamp?,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Leonard: We were going to have…,"Penny: He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard.","Sheldon: Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)",Leonard: What are you doing? Use the door.,Sheldon: Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.,"Leonard: Great, you do that.",Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?,Leonard: I’m lactose intolerant.,"Sheldon: And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?","Penny: No, thanks.","Sheldon: Fine. Good night to you, sir. Miss.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Leonard: Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.,"Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.,Leonard: Don’t you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction?,"Sheldon: Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?","Sheldon: Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Penny: Is he quitting his job at the university?,"Leonard: Oh, no, he’s going to telecommute. Everybody’s really excited about it.","Sheldon: All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct?",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Penny: Born and raised. (Sheldon crosses Nebraska off his map),Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is packing. ,"Sheldon: It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.","Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin?","Sheldon: I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.","Howard: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.",Sheldon: I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.,Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?,Sheldon: They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.,1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.,"Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you.","Sheldon: Please, Penny, as you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Howard (after Raj whispers to him): How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?,"Scene: Bozeman, Montana bus depot. ","Sheldon: That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!","Man: Help you with your bags, sir?","Sheldon: Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.",1
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.,"Howard: Hey, look who’s back!",Sheldon: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is stood in the middle of the room. His whiteboard is behind him. Every few moments he turns round suddently.,Penny: Whatcha doing?,Sheldon: I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.,Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night?,Sheldon: Is it morning?,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Is it morning?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Then I’ve been up all night.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Then I’ve been up all night.,Penny: And you’re stuck?,Sheldon: Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Penny: What is he doing now?,"Leonard: Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.","Sheldon: Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.","Leonard: Aye, aye, Captain.",Sheldon: I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.,Leonard: Maybe you need a fresh start.,"Sheldon: You’re right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It’s a great idea, Leonard. Thank you.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Electrons move through graphene, act as if they have no mass…",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Howard: How long has he been stuck?,Leonard: Intellectually about 30 hours. Emotionally about 29 years.,Sheldon: Unit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Howard: You can come with us.,"Raj: No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com.","Sheldon: Structure, constant structure. One atom…",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Leonard: Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.",Howard: I thought I smelled popcorn.,"Sheldon: Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal…",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Leonard: I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.,"Raj (as Sheldon reaches out and grabs from his plate): Hey, those are my lima beans!","Sheldon: Not lima beans, carbon atoms.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Raj: But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.","Leonard: Here, you want my peas?","Sheldon: Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.",Howard: Want my corn?,Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. What would I do with corn?,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Howard: Not this time, I promise.","Raj: Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I’m very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.",Sheldon: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Penny: Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)","Leonard: Oh, my God! Are you… (falls as well)",Sheldon: Good Lord! You’re ruining everything!,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Penny: Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.","Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?",Sheldon: The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.,Bernadette: With marbles?,"Sheldon: Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?","Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?","Sheldon: I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Leonard: No, that’s a crazy thing.","Bernadette: Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep?",Sheldon: They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.,Bernadette: Which leads to…?,Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.,"Bernadette: Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed.",Sheldon: But I don’t want to go to bed.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: But I don’t want to go to bed.,Bernadette: I’m going to count to three. One…,"Sheldon: Oh, all right.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Security Guard: Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.","Leonard: Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing?",Sheldon: Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.,"Leonard: Sure, sure. How did you get into this place?","Sheldon: Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.","Leonard: No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now.",Sheldon: But I’m still working.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: But I’m still working.,"Leonard: If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out.","Sheldon: You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over their bed. He knocks on the wall. , ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.","Leonard (Waking up as Penny screams): What! What, what, what?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I have good news.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I have good news.,Leonard: And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?,Sheldon: Your cell phone was off.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Your cell phone was off.,Leonard: Because we didn’t want to be disturbed.,"Sheldon: And that didn’t work out, did it?",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: And that didn’t work out, did it?","Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?",Sheldon: I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.,Leonard: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?,"Sheldon: No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Leonard: What are you talking about?,Penny (as Sheldon sits on the bed): Oh.,Sheldon: Einstein.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Einstein.,"Leonard: Yeah, I’m going to need a little more.",Sheldon: Albert Einstein.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Albert Einstein.,Leonard: Keep going.,"Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.","Leonard: So, you’re going to go work at the patent office?","Sheldon: Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.",Leonard: Sounds like a great plan.,Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.,"Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.",Penny: Leonard doesn’t snore.,"Sheldon: No, I wasn’t talking to Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Scene: An employment office,"Employment Office Assistant: So, Mr. Cooper, you’re looking for a job.",Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.,"Assistant: Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?","Sheldon: I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?",Assistant: No.,Sheldon: Shouldn’t you check your database?,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Shouldn’t you check your database?,Assistant (clicks her keyboard a few times): No.,Sheldon: You didn’t really type.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: You didn’t really type.,"Assistant: I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction?","Sheldon: Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.","Assistant: No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.",Sheldon: I could do that.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I could do that.,Assistant: Good.,Sheldon: One question.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: One question.,Assistant: Yes?,Sheldon: What’s sheetrock?,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: What’s sheetrock?,Assistant: Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist?,Sheldon: That seems acceptable.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: That seems acceptable.,Assistant: Do you have your own car?,Sheldon: I don’t drive.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I don’t drive.,"Assistant: Of course you don’t. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?","Sheldon: Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman’s terms, string theory.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon (appearing in an apron and carrying a tray): Behind you.,"Penny: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?",Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.,"Penny: No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here?","Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.","Penny: You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?","Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.","Penny: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.","Sheldon: Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Bernadette: Thanks, Sheldon.","Penny: Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy.","Sheldon: You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.","Scene: The same, later.","Sheldon: All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.",1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.","Leonard: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Double guacamole?,Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Of course.,Leonard: No cilantro?,Sheldon: Nope.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Nope.,"Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?",Sheldon: Yep.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Yep.,Leonard: You understand why I’m doing this to you?,Sheldon: I do.,1
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon (drops tray. A nearby table claps): Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.,"Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren’t you going to clean this up?",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t work here.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Howard (on the phone): Yeah, I miss you, too, sweetie. Listen, I got to go, but I’ll see you tonight? Okay. Bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye. No, you hang up first. Hello?","Raj: Dude, I’m glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don’t?","Sheldon: Actually, he might have to. There’s an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it’s not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Raj: Me.,Leonard: Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend.,"Sheldon: In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Leonard: Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?","Howard: Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There’s a $39.95 lover’s special at P.F. Chang’s. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front.","Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal to witness a brutal murder?",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Raj: It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.,Leonard: Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14?,"Sheldon: Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn’t published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Howard: That’s the one.,"Leonard: In any case, they’re asking me to fill in for him.",Sheldon: In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Howard: Oh, man!","Raj: No way, dude!","Sheldon: This is incredible! I’m so happy, I’m not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I’m just going to run home and start packing.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, you got a minute?","Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland.","Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?",Leonard: Penny.,Sheldon: What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,"Leonard: Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps.",Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,"Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.,"Leonard: Yeah, well, I’ve been dreaming about spending Valentine’s Day with a girl since I was six.",Sheldon: Shame on you! That’s no dream for a scientist!,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Leonard: Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.","Penny: Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible!","Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.",Penny: My Rabe-what-ly?,"Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.","Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny.",Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this?,Leonard: Not the roommate agreement.,"Sheldon: Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Penny: You actually put that in an agreement?,"Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.","Sheldon: He can’t kill me, even if I turn.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: He can’t kill me, even if I turn.",Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?,"Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched.","Leonard: Sheldon, do you really expect to enforce this?","Sheldon: I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon (after demonstrating): I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice.,"Leonard: Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland.",Sheldon: Is that your final decision?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Is that your final decision?,Leonard: It is.,Sheldon: Very well.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Leonard: Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games.","Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.",Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?,Sheldon: You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me?","Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.",Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?,"Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Leonard: Uh, let’s see. Yup, 30 pieces of silverware.",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: Morning, old chum.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Morning, old chum.",Leonard: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.",Leonard: You made Frodo pancakes?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.",Leonard: Why are you doing this?,Sheldon: It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?,Leonard: Thanks. It’s good.,"Sheldon: What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.",Leonard: You hate Babylon 5.,"Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.","Leonard: Okay, great. Still not taking you to Switzerland.",Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you.,Scene: The laundry room.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Hello.,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.","Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.","Sheldon: Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon (trying it): It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.","Penny: Oh, for God’s sakes.",Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.,Penny: I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up?,"Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.","Penny: Okay, show’s over.","Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.","Penny: Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go.",Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.,Penny: I’ll talk to Leonard.,Sheldon: You will?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon (Hugging her): Oh, Penny, thank you!",Penny: You’re welcome.,"Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.",Penny: I think we’re there.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Bye-bye.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Raj: No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.","Leonard: Sheldon, I need to talk to you.","Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?",Leonard: Some what?,Sheldon: Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.,Leonard: You’re not going to Switzerland!,"Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?",Leonard: She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her.,"Sheldon: Yes, that good news.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Yes, that good news.","Leonard: Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you!","Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.",Leonard: I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over!,Sheldon: That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?,"Leonard: Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Really?,"Leonard: Yeah, really.","Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.",Leonard: I’m sorry you feel that way.,"Sheldon: I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.",Leonard: Why don’t you enlighten me?,Sheldon: With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates’ house should I be invited.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she’s not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you’re still interested, you’re welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom)","Sheldon: Great. I’ll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it’s the cholermus.",1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision, ,Penny: Here’s your soup.,Sheldon: Chicken?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Chicken?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: With the little stars?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: With the little stars?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees?,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees?,"Penny: Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me.",Sheldon: You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.,1
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.,"Penny: Yeah, well, I’m sick, too.","Sheldon: Not my problem. I just don’t understand how this happened to me. I’m scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Leonard: Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?","Stuart: Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.",Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.,"Stuart: No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?",Leonard: Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease.,"Sheldon: Well, look who thinks he’s Stuart’s uncle now.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)",Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.,Howard: That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.,"Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.","Raj: That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.",Sheldon: What is it about the word unique you don’t understand?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Howard: Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.","Raj: Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision.",Sheldon: There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Howard: Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?,Leonard: He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?","Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?",Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.,Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?,"Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.",Howard: You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court.,"Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.",Penny: I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that?,Sheldon: It bothers me.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: It bothers me.,"Howard: Sheldon, this is a summons.",Sheldon: A summons for what?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: A summons for what?,Howard: Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.,"Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.","Penny: No, it isn’t.","Sheldon: Yes, it is.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Yes, it is.","Penny: No, it isn’t.","Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.","Penny: Mmm, no, it isn’t.","Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?","Penny: Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?",Sheldon: So you betrayed me?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: So you betrayed me?,Penny: No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.,Sheldon: But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.",Leonard: It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.,Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.,Howard: You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.,"Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.","Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.","Sheldon: You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Howard: Okay, he’s going to jail.","Leonard (after Raj whispers to him): Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day.","Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.",Leonard: Whoa! What do you mean all?,"Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.","Leonard: Yeah, okay. No.",Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?,Leonard: That’s what I’m saying.,Sheldon: Howard?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Howard?,"Howard: Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.","Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.","Penny: Oh, balls.",Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.,Scene: Penny’s door. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny (opening door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Sheldon: That’s just wrong.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: That’s just wrong.,"Penny: All right, let’s go.","Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.",Penny: What is this?,"Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?",Penny: Do I have a choice?,"Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?","Penny (reading): Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.",Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.,"Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.",Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?,"Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.","Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.",Penny: But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?,Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.,Penny (pretending to be close to tears): But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally.,Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Scene: The courtroom. ,Judge: Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper?,"Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.",Judge: I know what it means. I went to law school.,"Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.","Judge: The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.","Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.",Judge: Impressive.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Thank you.,Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier.,Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.,"Judge: No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you.","Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.","Judge: Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.",Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.,Scene: A police cell. Three people sit on a bench inside. Sheldon points at the one on the end.,Sheldon: That’s my spot.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Leonard: Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.",Scene: The police cell. ,"Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?",Guard: What?,Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.,Guard: Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell),Sheldon: That’s the toilet?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: That’s the toilet?,"Guard: Well, it ain’t a wishing well.",Sheldon: Please tell the judge I’m ready to apologize.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Penny: We’re home.,"Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go?",Sheldon: You know very well how it went.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: You know very well how it went.,"Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.",Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.,"Penny: I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.","Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Leonard: Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.","Howard: You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.",Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee?,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Howard: He said we could call him Stan.,Leonard: Except for Raj.,"Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.","Penny: Okay, I realize that…","Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.","Penny: Okay, maybe you’ll have another chance to have…","Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Stuart: We’ll tell people he’s your cousin.,Scene: Outside Stan Lee’s house.,"Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.",Penny: Yup.,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Stan Lee: Oh, damn.","Penny: Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon.",Sheldon: We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.",Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?,Sheldon: You said we were invited.,1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.","Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?","Sheldon: Well, I’m not much of a sports fan, but thank you.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Raj: And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.","Leonard (as Sheldon enters): Hey, where’ve you been?","Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.",1
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.",Howard: Sweet.,"Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is carrying a large box.,Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?,"Sheldon: Well, it’s very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I’m the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Leonard: Don’t panic, this is better.","Penny: Oh, no, you didn’t trade the food for magic beans, did you?","Sheldon: Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Leonard: We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.",Penny: Who’s Adam West?,"Sheldon: Who’s Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?",Penny: That is so sad.,"Sheldon: No, what’s sad is that you don’t know Adam West was TV’s Batman.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Raj: Huh? That’ll come off.,Howard: You see what you’re doing? Stop that.,Sheldon: Fascinating.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Fascinating.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Leonard: Oh.,Raj: It’s even got the Elvish engraving on it.,Sheldon: It’s not Elvish. It’s the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: So, I was doing some checking on the ring.","Raj: Hold on. Sheldon, is there ketchup on that table?","Sheldon: Yes, there is. Oh, here’s a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Raj: Name one.,"Howard: Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn’t a replica. It’s the real deal.","Sheldon: If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon (snatching it): Mine!,"Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.","Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.",Leonard: How is this maritime salvage?,"Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: Why do you want a jet ski?,Raj: All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can’t just be a coincidence.,"Sheldon: We can’t sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.","Leonard: We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring?",Sheldon: You mean my ring?,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: You mean my ring?,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Leonard: Give me that.,"Raj: Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.",Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.,Leonard: You always get your way.,Sheldon: I’ll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Penny: What ring?,Leonard: This ring.,Sheldon: Looking for something?,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Leonard: How am I looking now?,"Scene: Penny and Leonard are asleep in Leonard’s bed. Sheldon creeps in and tries to take the ring from round Penny’s neck, but she turns over. He tries to make buzzing fly noises to get her to turn back, but she turns all the way the other way. He then uses an extender with a claw on the end to lif the ring from Penny’s chest. As he tries to remove it, she wakes up, screams, and punches him in the face.",Sheldon: Ow! You hit me! I’m bleeding!,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation, ,"Howard: So, Sheldon, how’s it feel to get beaten up by a girl?","Sheldon:  It’s not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I’d have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.","Leonard: You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring?",Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.,Leonard: Give me that.,"Sheldon: No, it’s mine.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: You know, there’s a point when this becomes idiotic.",Leonard: And it wasn’t when we were driving like this?,Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!,"Raj: If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies.","Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?",Raj: Why don’t we go after your mother?,"Sheldon: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add?",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun.,Raj: You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother.,Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.,Raj: Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.,Sheldon: I don’t want to hear this.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: I don’t want to hear this.,Howard: Then let go of the ring and walk away.,Sheldon: Never.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Never.,Howard: All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.,Sheldon: Stop it!,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Stop it!,"Raj: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty.",Sheldon: I said stop it!,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: I said stop it!,Howard: We’re getting to him.,Sheldon: Waterfalls!,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Waterfalls!,Raj: What?,Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.,Howard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.,"Raj: It’s, it’s not working, dude.","Sheldon: Oh-ho-ho, it’s working all right. I have to pee.",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.","Raj: Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two…","Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?",Howard: We stand up.,Sheldon: Excellent choice.,1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.,"Scene: Sometime later. The guys are on the settee. Howard is seen asleep, he is not holding the ring. The camera pans along to where Sheldon and Raj still hold the ring. Raj, also asleep, lets go and cuddles up to Howard. ","Sheldon: I’ve done it! I’ve won! The ring is mine! It’s mine! (He runs to the bathroom) We’re going to clean it up and make it pretty. My own. My love. My precious. (He looks in the mirror and has turned into golem. He screams and wakes up, still on the settee.) Where’s the ring?",1
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Leonard: There wasn’t ever going to be a winner. There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend. Is that really what you guys want? ‘Cause if it is, fine, I don’t want anything to do with you. And I don’t know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up! (Goes to his bedroom. Takes a box from under his bed. Takes out the ring.) My precious.",Scene: Leonard and Penny are asleep in Leonard’s bed. The extender and claw reaches across and pulls down the sheet revealing the ring on a chain round Leonard’s neck.,Sheldon: I knew it. Give us the precious!,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Howard: What’s your point?,"Raj: My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron.","Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science.","Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?","Leonard: Oh, I’m so glad you asked it like that. You.",Sheldon: I won?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I won?,Leonard: You won.,"Sheldon: I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It’s not astonishing, more like inevitable. I’m not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I’m going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon (phone rings): Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.","Howard: Uh, hang on, flaming arrow.","Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Howard: Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.","Raj: Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.",Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.,"Leonard: What, to you, is a large crowd?",Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.,"Penny: Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.",Sheldon: I’m not accepting the award.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Howard: Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.,"Penny: That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court.","Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous.",Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.,Howard: Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em?,Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.,Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.,"Sheldon: I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.)",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Penny: Oh, my God.","Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: Don’t trample me.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Don’t trample me.,Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.","Leonard: Sit down, we want to talk to you.",Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Penny: Just sit.,Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright.,"Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.","Penny: Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Penny: Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.","Leonard: We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.",Sheldon: I do like the X-Men.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Leonard: Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.","Penny: Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon?","Sheldon: I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?","Penny: Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.","Sheldon: That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?",Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.,Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.","Howard: Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap.","Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.","Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy.",Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.,"Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?","Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The apartment. Raj is lighting candles. Indian music is playing.,"Raj: Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.","Sheldon: And yet, you can’t speak to women.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: And yet, you can’t speak to women.","Raj: True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.","Sheldon: Okay, but don’t punch me.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Okay, but don’t punch me.",Raj: What?,"Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.",Raj: I’m not going to punch you.,Sheldon: That’s what my sister used to say.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: That’s what my sister used to say.,Raj: Do you want to do this or not?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Proceed.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Proceed.,Raj: All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?,"Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.","Raj: Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis.","Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?",Raj: Whatever you like.,Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.,Raj: Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square.,Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.,"Raj: Then, put on a sweater.",Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.,"Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.","Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.",Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!,"Sheldon: Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.","Raj: All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.","Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.",Raj: What now?,"Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.",Scene: A clothing store.,Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?,"Penny: It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.",Sheldon: Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?,"Penny: Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice.",Sheldon: It’s only one colour.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: It’s only one colour.,"Penny: Yeah, so?",Sheldon: That’s a lot of money for only one colour.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: That’s a lot of money for only one colour.,Penny: Fine. Why don’t you pick out what you like.,Sheldon: Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon (now in a sparkly green suit with rhinestones): This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.",Penny: Where the hell d’you find that?,Sheldon: In the prom department.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: In the prom department.,Penny: It’s ridiculous.,Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.,Penny: Please just try this one on.,Sheldon: Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: So, Sheldon, how you doing?","Sheldon: That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.","Leonard: I’m sorry, I’ll start again.",Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?,"Leonard: Um, I don’t know, maybe.","Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.",Leonard: How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?,Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.,Leonard: Why don’t we just talk?,"Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.","Leonard: Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here?","Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.","Leonard: But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.",Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?,Leonard: Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.,Sheldon: Go on.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Go on.,Leonard: It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.,"Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.","Leonard: Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again.","Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.",Leonard: For what?,"Sheldon: If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The award ceremony.,"Leonard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise)","Sheldon: Oh, dear.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, dear.",Penny: What’s the matter?,Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.,Raj: Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men.,Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.,"Penny: Here, drink this. It’ll relax you.",Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.,"Penny: Fine, faint.","Sheldon: I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective.",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Penny: Here, see if this one works.","Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.",Sheldon: I’m ready.,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I’m ready.,"Leonard: Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.","Sheldon: Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?",Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?",1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?",Leonard: You might want to check YouTube.,Sheldon: What do I search?,1
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Leonard: It’s already loaded. Just hit play.,"On-screen Sheldon: All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.","Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Howard: Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?","Raj: Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.","Sheldon: You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?,Howard: What’s with him?,Sheldon: Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.,Howard: Are you saying he’s man-struating?,"Sheldon: Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Howard: Okay, forget giant ants. How about giant rabbits?","Raj: Big or small, I don’t like rabbits. They always look like they’re about to say something, but they never do.","Sheldon: Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.,Howard: Would that be a giant rat’s ass?,"Sheldon: For the record, giant rats are possible.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?,"Howard: Okay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.",Sheldon: Of course they are. Leonard’s being one.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Howard: Oh, but something happened.",Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.,Sheldon: But I sense you’re going to and I don’t want to hear about it. Excuse me.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Raj: I’m just asking, dude. It happens.",Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.",Stuart: Oh. Ouch.,Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Penny: Hi.,"Leonard: Oh, hey.","Sheldon: Good, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o’clock.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.,"Penny: No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me.","Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.","Penny: It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Penny: Thinly veiled contempt.,"Sheldon: Remember, seven o’clock.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Remember, seven o’clock.",Penny: Got it.,Sheldon: Pacific Daylight time!,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Pacific Daylight time!,Penny: Bite me!,Sheldon: Please reserve that butch spirit for the lanes.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Scene: The bowling alley.,Howard: I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.,Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.,Howard: Then what’s with the disinfectant?,Sheldon: I know where my feet have been.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Stuart: Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.","Wil: Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going?","Sheldon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.","Wil: You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?","Sheldon: I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?",Wil: It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.",Wil: Great. Then it’s on.,"Sheldon: Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Time lapse.,Wil: Yes!,"Sheldon: A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it’s really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Scene: Penny’s apartment door., ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: This is for you.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: This is for you.,Penny: Ice cream?,"Sheldon: I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.","Penny: Um, Ach.","Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.",Penny: Did Leonard send you over here?,"Sheldon: No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.","Penny: Yeah, I’m sorry about that.",Sheldon: I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.,"Penny: Again, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.,Penny: You’re kidding.,Sheldon: No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.,"Penny: All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?",Sheldon: The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.,"Penny: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.","Sheldon: You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.","Penny: No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you.",Sheldon: When are you going to talk to him?,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: When are you going to talk to him?,Penny: I don’t know.,Sheldon: He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.,"Penny: You’re not gonna leave me alone until I do it, are you?","Sheldon: Oh, I think we both know the answer to that question.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Penny: So, we’re good?","Leonard: Yes, that’s what I’m telling you. We are good. We are great.","Sheldon: All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Scene: The bowling alley., ,"Sheldon: Attention, all bowlers. I’ve taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Attention, all bowlers. I’ve taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.",Penny: The Wesley Crushers?,"Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley “Crushers.”",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.,Penny: Still don’t get it.,"Sheldon: It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.","Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.","Sheldon: What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”","Howard: You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers.",Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”,"Wil: Hey, look. They named their team after me.","Sheldon: No, it’s not the… Never mind.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, it’s not the… Never mind.","Stuart: So, we’re all clear on the bet and the stakes?","Sheldon: Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Stuart: Ouch again.,"Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.","Sheldon: Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence, ,Wil: After you.,"Sheldon: No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.",Wil: It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: All right.,"Wil: It’s a custom, not a rule.",Sheldon: I so loathe you.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: I so loathe you.,"Wil: That’s right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.",Sheldon: That’s not even from your franchise!,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Penny: Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.","Stuart: Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now.","Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.","Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You weren’t the ball.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Leonard: Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.",All (chanting): Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don!,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.,All (chanting): The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball!,"Sheldon: Thank you, Jesus! As my mother would say.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Stuart: Wil, you’re up.","Wil: Oh, that’s me.",Sheldon: Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?,Penny: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?,1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?,Penny: No!,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.",Wil: Yes!,"Sheldon: Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.","Leonard: Penny, you’re up.","Sheldon: All right, remember, his meemaw’s alive and be the ball.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Leonard: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.","Penny: No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry.","Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!","Leonard: No, let her go.","Sheldon: Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over!",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: I’m pretty sure it’s already over.,"Wil: Tough luck, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You did this, didn’t you?",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: You did this, didn’t you?",Wil: Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?,"Sheldon: No, I suppose not.",1
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, I suppose not.",Wil: Good. Keep thinking that.,Sheldon: Wheaton!,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Scene: The lobby.,"Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!",Sheldon: Uh-oh.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.,"Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?","Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.","Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?","Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.","Penny: Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.","Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.",Penny: Right.,Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?,Penny: Everyone.,"Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.",Penny: Great.,"Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.","Penny: So, how you been?","Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.","Penny: You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you?",Sheldon: Bazinga.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Bazinga.,Penny: Mmm. How’s Leonard doing?,"Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.",Penny: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.,Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.,Penny: Yep.,"Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.",Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.,Sheldon: I’m hungry now.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m hungry now.,"Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?",Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?,Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).","Leonard: Hey, where you been?",Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.","Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.",Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.,"Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.",Sheldon: Which one picks last?,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Which one picks last?,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.","Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.","Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!",Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?",Leonard: I don’t know. Why?,"Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.,"Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Raj: Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.",Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.,"Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?","Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?,"Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?","Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.",Howard: Hold on. I’ll walk down with you.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.",Howard: Or we could go together.,Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.,Howard: Let’s go.,"Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Raj: I’ve missed you.,Scene: The lobby.,"Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.",Howard: Okay.,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: What?,Howard: You said you were going for a walk.,Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.,"Howard: So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs?","Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Woman’s voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.,Howard: Which way are you going?,Sheldon: Which way are you going?,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Which way are you going?,Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.,Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.,"Howard: Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs?","Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.",Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.,Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.,"Howard: All right, have a nice walk.",Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.,Howard: You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.,"Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.","Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?","Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.","Penny: Well, good.",Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.,Penny: He’s been crying?,"Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.","Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.","Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?","Penny: No. Why, do you?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: No.,"Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?",Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.,"Penny: All right. So, what’s new in your life?","Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.",Penny: Have you been running?,"Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.",Penny: I’m so glad you like it.,Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.,"Penny: Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook.",Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.,"Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I’m gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.","Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I’m in Jewish hell.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Raj: You don’t know that. Prison changes people.,"Leonard: Hey, where you been?","Sheldon: I told you, walking.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I told you, walking.",Leonard: For an hour and a half?,Sheldon: I got lost.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I got lost.,Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.,Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.,Raj: There are no solar flares right now.,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.","Raj: Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard is asleep.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.","Leonard: Oh, just come in!",Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.,"Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.,Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.,Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.,Leonard: What do you want?,Sheldon: You may want to sit down.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: You may want to sit down.,Leonard: I’m in bed!,Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.,Leonard: Sheldon!,Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.,"Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?","Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?",Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?,"Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.",Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?,Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.,Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?,"Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.","Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.",Leonard: I guess not.,"Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Penny: We’re home.,"Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?",Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: I was going to see that with him.,Penny: How was I supposed to know that?,Sheldon: It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.,"Penny: I know, I know.",Sheldon: I can still eat.,1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I can still eat.,"Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.","Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight",1
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Penny: Just go.,Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?,"Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,,Scene: The university cafeteria.,Sheldon: Hold.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Hold.,Raj: What?,Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.,Raj: I’m sorry?,Sheldon: Do you have allergies?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Do you have allergies?,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?,Raj: I don’t put pepper on salads.,Sheldon: I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.,"Raj: Oh, come on. I don’t want to sit by myself.","Sheldon: That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.","Howard: See you, buddy.","Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.","Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?","Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.",Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,"Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.","Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.",Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton?,"Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.",Leonard: Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!,"Sheldon: I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.","Leonard: Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?","Sheldon: My room, of course.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Raj: Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!,"Howard: Yeah, um, I have a two-part question.",Sheldon: Go ahead.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Go ahead.,"Howard: A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?","Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.",Howard: So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?,Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?,Leonard: Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?,"Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?",Raj: When can I sit with you again?,"Sheldon: When I’ve seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Scene: The lobby,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?","Penny: What? What are you doing with, what?",Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.,"Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?",Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.,Penny: Oh. What?,"Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.","Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?",Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?,"Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled.","Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.",Penny: Female jibber jabber?,"Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.","Penny: Oh, they’re not my friends.","Sheldon: I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: She’s here, she’s here. How do I look? Do I look smart?","Sheldon: Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.","Elizabeth: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Hello.,Elizabeth: Nice to finally meet you in person.,"Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live","here, you’re brilliant.",Sheldon: I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.","Leonard: Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything?","Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?","Elizabeth: Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.","Sheldon: Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys.",Elizabeth: I’m so glad you understand.,"Sheldon: No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.","Leonard: Well, I understand, too.",Sheldon: You’re just misappropriating my understanding.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: You’re just misappropriating my understanding.,"Leonard: Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you.",Sheldon: From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Elizabeth: All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.","Leonard: Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart.","Sheldon: Get it together, man.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Get it together, man.",Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.",Elizabeth: Good to know.,"Sheldon: In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.",Elizabeth: What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?,"Sheldon: Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?",Elizabeth: Can I ask a question about your roommate?,"Sheldon: He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?",Elizabeth: What’s his relationship status?,"Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.",Elizabeth: Okay.,Sheldon: Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.,Elizabeth: How thoughtful.,"Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend.","Elizabeth: You, too.","Sheldon: Oh, let me just get one thing. It’s my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn’t pass through here. Now, good night. And if there’s an apocalypse, good luck.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Leonard: Wow. You really make science come alive.,Scene: The living room.,Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.,"Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Morning.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Morning.,"Elizabeth: Morning, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.,Elizabeth: More than pleasant.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m going to relieve myself.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon (in bathroom): Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.",Leonard: Something his mother taught him.,"Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.","Elizabeth: That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first.","Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.","Penny: Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.",Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?,"Penny: No, Mr. smarty-pants. I ignored the fill gas tank light.","Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Elizabeth: Yes, very much.",Penny: Good.,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Penny: You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.","Leonard: Well, now…","Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.",Penny: I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened.,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.",Leonard: Well…,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Come on. It wasn’t my fault.,Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.","Penny: Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.","Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.",Leonard: I didn’t betray Penny.,"Sheldon: Not Penny, me!",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Not Penny, me!",Leonard: How am I betraying you?,"Sheldon: Elizabeth’s my friend, and you’re playing with her!",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Howard: How is a Japanese love pillow another person?,Raj: It is if you love her and give her a name.,"Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali",1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali",Raj: Hi.,Sheldon: And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.,1
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Raj: I’m a big fan of your work.,Elizabeth: Thank you.,"Sheldon: And of course, you’ve already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.",1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Penny: Okay, Babydoll Pink, let’s see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad’s feet.","Leonard (voice off): It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!",Sheldon: (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.,1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.,"Leonard (voice off): Yes, if we lived in a teakettle.",Sheldon: (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.,1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.,"Leonard (voice off): Aw, screw the roommate agreement!","Sheldon: (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.",1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Sheldon: (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.","Leonard (voice off): You know what, go to Hell and set their thermostat.","Sheldon: (voice off): I don’t have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I’m there already!",1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Scene: The apartment. , ,"Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.",1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate?,1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate?,"Leonard: Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.",Sheldon: There’s doubt?,1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: There’s doubt?,"Leonard: I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it.","Sheldon: That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.",1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Sheldon: That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.","Leonard: Okay, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: There you go.,1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: There you go.,"Leonard: So, we’re good?",Sheldon: Good what?,1
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: Good what?,Leonard: Never mind. Okay if I watch some TV?,Sheldon: Go ahead.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Scene: On the roof of the apartment building.,"Leonard: Okay, we’ve got power to the laser.",Sheldon: I should’ve brought an umbrella.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: I should’ve brought an umbrella.,Leonard: What for? It’s not going to rain.,"Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.","Howard: That’s a bazinga, right?","Sheldon: One of my best, don’t you think?",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Howard: You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.","Raj: It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy.","Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?","Leonard: Relax, it’s just a dirty sock.",Sheldon: How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?,"Leonard: Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks.",Sheldon: Not my world.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Not my world.,"Leonard: Hey, you know who’d really dig seeing this experiment? Penny.","Sheldon: I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Howard: She dumped you?,Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.,Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Scene: The roof.,Howard: Happy now? I’m moving the dirty sock.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Raj, keep an eye out for the other one.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Penny: Hey, guys, this is my friend Zack.",Zack: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,Zack: Whoa! Is that the laser? It’s bitchin’.,"Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Leonard: The laser?,Zack: The moon.,"Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.","Leonard: Uh, that’s a great question, Zack.","Sheldon: No, it’s not.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: No, it’s not.",Penny: Sheldon! Play nice.,Sheldon: Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Zack: Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?",Howard: Preparing to fire laser at the moon.,Sheldon: Make it so.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.",Zack: What species is that?,Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Zack: Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?","Penny: No, just keep walking.",Sheldon: He must be very skilled at coitus.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Leonard: Have they found a match for you?,"Howard: Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left.",Sheldon: I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.,Leonard: Why not?,"Sheldon: All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.",Leonard: I’ll help you.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Lift with your knees, not your back. Good night.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Penny: We’re gonna have sex.,"Leonard: Why? I mean, okay.",Sheldon: What’s going on?,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: What’s going on?,"Penny: Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud.",Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.,Scene: The next morning.,"Sheldon: In what universe is this low-pulp? Good morning, Penny.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: In what universe is this low-pulp? Good morning, Penny.","Penny: What, do you have eyes in the back of your head?","Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?","Penny: Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry.","Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.","Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.","Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.","Penny: Oh, God.","Sheldon: Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.",Leonard: How many times have I asked you not to do that?,Sheldon: Counting this instance? 317.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Counting this instance? 317.,Leonard: Where’s Penny?,Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.,Leonard: I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye.,Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?,"Leonard: I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.",Sheldon: I have no difficulty believing you’re not butter.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Howard: Well, him about to find out about her.",Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?,Sheldon: Who’s going to tell whom about what?,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Howard: Sheldon. Hey.,Raj: Hi.,Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.,"Howard: Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon?",Sheldon: Be more specific.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Be more specific.,Howard: Four thirty.,Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.,Howard: What?,Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.,"Raj: Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning?","Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.","Howard: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?","Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.","Raj: But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.","Sheldon: Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Raj: Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.","Howard: Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity?","Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.","Raj: Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.",Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.,"Howard: Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.",Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,"Howard: All right, you can have a hot chocolate.","Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.",Howard: Why?,Sheldon: What’s life without whimsy?,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Howard: Okay, I’m out.","Raj: Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.",Sheldon: You’re bluffing.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: You’re bluffing.,Raj: Are you willing to risk it?,Sheldon: Curse you.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Leonard: I’m really starting to think there’s a double standard here.,Scene: A coffee shop.,"Sheldon: In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?",Raj: You don’t know we’re wrong yet.,Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.,Amy: Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper.,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.","Amy: If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.",Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.,1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.,"Amy: I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.","Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.",1
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.","Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.",Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.",Raj: And it only took 28 minutes.,"Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.",Howard: Why?,"Sheldon: Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.","Leonard: I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sheldon.",Sheldon: No one ever does. That’s why it happens.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Leonard: Yeah, we all are.",Howard: Just wait.,"Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.",Penny: Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?,Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.","Penny: Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing.","Sheldon: I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.","Howard: Hey, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Leonard: His girlfriend.,Penny: Sheldon has a girlfriend?,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Penny: How long has this been going on?,Leonard: Four months.,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,"Penny: Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what’s new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend?",Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: Or, as we call them, Shamy.",Penny (squeals): Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy.,"Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.","Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?","Sheldon: Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Penny (spits out drink explosively. Howard types. Robot arm hands Penny a napkin): Thank you.,Leonard: Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby?,"Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Howard: I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.,"Penny: Okay, I have a question.","Sheldon: Yes, Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Yes, Penny.",Penny: You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex?,Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sex?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sex?,"Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?","Sheldon: I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.","Penny: Oh, God.","Sheldon: Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental?",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Leonard: Still digging the Shamy?,"Penny: Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her.",Sheldon: You mean dating?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: You mean dating?,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: I can’t date Amy.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I can’t date Amy.,Penny: Why not?,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,"Penny: Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child.",Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?,Penny: Probably not.,Sheldon: Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Scene: The hallway., ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.,Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.,"Penny: Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time.","Sheldon: If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.",Penny: What do you want?,Sheldon: I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Penny: Oh, that’s great. Have fun.",Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: You know I don’t drive.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: You know I don’t drive.,"Penny: Well, go ask Leonard.","Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.",Penny: Leonard said cockamamie?,"Sheldon: Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.","Penny: Okay, fine. When’s the date?",Sheldon: Now.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Now.,Penny: Now?,Sheldon: Hurry. We’re going to be late.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Hurry. We’re going to be late.,"Penny: Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?",Sheldon: I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?,"Penny: Well, no, not per se, but…",Sheldon: So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.",Scene: Penny’s car.,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me.,Penny: You’re welcome.,Sheldon: I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.,Penny: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.,Penny: Can I ask you a question?,"Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.","Penny: Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?",Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.","Penny: Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know.","Sheldon: I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.","Penny: My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.","Sheldon: If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Penny: Yeah, it’s okay.",Amy: But the light indicates…,Sheldon: Don’t bother. I’ve wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Amy: Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.,"Penny: Guys, how ’bout some music?","Sheldon: Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy?",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Amy: No, thank you.","Penny: Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: No.,"Penny: Well, why don’t you tell her?",Sheldon: All right. It was hell.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Amy: No.,"Penny: I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?",Penny: I don’t know. I was just trying something.,Sheldon: Muggles.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Scene: A restaurant.,"Penny: Hey, here’s another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.,Amy: That’s an amusing factoid.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Penny: No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.",Amy: Is this true?,"Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Penny: Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh)", ,Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.,Penny: What? Where did you get 171 men?,"Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…","Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. 16?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I’m sorry. 16?,Penny: 14.,"Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.,Penny: Oh.,"Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…","Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you’ve made your point.","Sheldon: So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?","Penny: No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay?",Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?,Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count?,Sheldon: I should think so.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Raj: Now can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch?,Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.,Penny: I did not have sex with 31 guys.,"Sheldon: I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.",Penny: And that is?,Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.,Penny: You’re still on that?,"Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?","Penny: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you.",Sheldon: That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.,Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?,Sheldon: Curses.,1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Curses.,"Penny: If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night.","Sheldon: Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.",1
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.","Leonard (on phone): Hey, Howard, what’s up?",Sheldon: I’ve decided not to procreate.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.,Leonard: Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?,Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.,Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?,"Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.",Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?,Sheldon: Killed by badger.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Killed by badger.,Leonard: How’s that?,"Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.",Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.,"Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?",Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.,"Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.","Leonard: That long, huh?",Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.,Leonard: What’s there?,"Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.","Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?",Sheldon: By this much.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: By this much.,Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.",Leonard: What’s a dogapus?,Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.,Leonard: Is somebody working on that?,Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.,Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.,Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Penny: Okay.,"Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks.","Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.",Penny: But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night.,"Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.",Howard: Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar?,Sheldon: It’s a small price to pay.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Leonard: No, no, don’t ask.","Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.","Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.","Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?",Sheldon: Correct.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Correct.,Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?,"Sheldon: Essentially, yes.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Essentially, yes.","Penny: Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that?","Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.","Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before?","Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.","Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.","Sheldon: That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.",Leonard: What the hell? What’s the matter?,Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.,"Leonard: There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.","Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.",Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?,"Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!",Leonard: Have you had your appendix out?,"Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?",Leonard: Let’s get you to the hospital.,"Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.,"Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn’t it?","Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.",Leonard: Good night.,Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Scene: The hallway., ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees.",Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.,Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?,"Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?",Penny: I don’t have one.,Sheldon: What about your pedometer?,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: What about your pedometer?,Penny: Don’t have one.,Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?,"Penny: Uh, no.","Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?","Penny: No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.",Sheldon: Why are you doing that?,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Why are you doing that?,Penny: It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run.,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: All right.,"Penny: All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.",Sheldon: I am doing it.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I am doing it.,"Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?",Sheldon: We’ll never know.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: We’ll never know.,"Penny: Okay, let’s just warm up on the run.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: Okay, let’s go.","Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!","Penny (squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay?",Sheldon: I think so.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I think so.,"Penny: Oh, let me help you up.",Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting),1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting),"Penny: Oh, Sheldon!","Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Penny: It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!","Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us?","Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.",Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.,Leonard: I am looking at you.,"Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.","Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.","Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?",Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?,Sheldon: An accident.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: An accident.,Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.,"Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.","Leonard: Fine, but don’t expect my help.","Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.",1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.","Leonard: No, it’s not.",Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.,1
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Steve Wozniak: Nerds.,Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.,"Sheldon: I’m coming, Woz, I’m coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: All right, I’m ready for my next question.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: All right, I’m ready for my next question.","Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?",Sheldon: Uganda.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Uganda.,Amy: Defend.,"Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.",Amy: Correct. My turn.,"Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?",Amy: Tuned bayonets.,Sheldon: Defend.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Defend.,Amy: Isn’t it obvious?,Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.,Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?,Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.,Amy: We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.,Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.,Leonard: All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl.,"Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?","Leonard: Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know.","Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.","Leonard: I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.","Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Leonard: This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.,Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should’ve been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Howard: What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?",Raj: If I don’t have to boom-boom.,Sheldon: Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Howard: Nice to see you.,Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: Sorry we’re late.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Howard: Ah, ah.",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: I believe she’s experiencing her menses.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Penny: Hey, look, it’s Shamy.",Amy: Shamy?,"Sheldon: A juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon and Amy,  Shamy.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Penny: I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?","Amy: Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order?","Sheldon: I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.",Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.,Sheldon: It’s how they lure you in. I believe it’s called bait and switch.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Howard: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?",Amy: I’m curious as to why we’re not eating alone.,Sheldon: They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution, ,"Leonard: Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend?","Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.",Leonard: Got it.,"Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.","Leonard: Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.","Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.","Leonard: Yeah, not my point.","Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.","Leonard: Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious.",Sheldon: So?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: So?,Leonard: So we already have you for all that.,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?,"Leonard: No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.","Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.",Leonard: Suffered in silence?,Sheldon: Yes. And I’d thank you to do the same.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Leonard: John and Yoko.,Howard: More like Yoko and Yoko.,Sheldon: Greetings.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Greetings.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.,"Amy: It’s very impressive, for theoretical work.",Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Amy: I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.",Leonard and Howard together: Oooh!,Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?,Amy: I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.,Sheldon: You take that back.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.","Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so…","Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.","Amy: Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.","Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!",Amy: We appear to have reached an impasse.,Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.,Amy: Seconded.,Sheldon: There being no objections…,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: There being no objections…,"All: No, uh-uh.","Sheldon: The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Amy: Good day, Sheldon Cooper.","Howard: Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.",Sheldon: Amen to that.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Scene: The laundry room. ,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: I hear you broke up with Amy.,Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.,"Penny: Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing?",Sheldon: Regarding what?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Regarding what?,Penny: Amy.,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,"Penny: Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough.","Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.",Penny: Okay. Good.,"Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a pussycat.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Howard: I thought we discussed the P-word.,"Raj: Don’t try to change me, dude. I am what I am.","Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen.",Howard: Hey. Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend?,"Sheldon: My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Howard: Hello.,Raj: Hi.,"Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Scene: The apartment. Leonard arrives.,"Leonard: Hey. (Turns to see Sheldon now has five cats) Oh, no.",Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.,Leonard: So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project?,"Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.",Leonard: Zazzles?,"Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.","Leonard: Okay, we need to talk.",Sheldon: About what?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: About what?,"Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.",Sheldon: Clowder.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Clowder.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.,"Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.",Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.,Leonard: Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.,Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.,"Leonard: Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.","Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.",Leonard: She didn’t dump me. It was mutual!,Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.,"Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.","Sheldon: You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan. All right, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that’s not fancy at all.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.",Leonard: Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door),Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.),1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.),Leonard: Surprise.,"Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.","Mrs Cooper: My, my, that’s a powerful smell.","Sheldon: I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…","Mrs Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names.",Sheldon: What are you doing here?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,"Mrs Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.","Sheldon: I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Scene: The kitchen.,Mrs Cooper: Shelly! Dinner’s ready!,Sheldon: Coming!,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Coming!,Mrs Cooper: No cats!,Sheldon: Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Mrs Cooper: I called her.,"Amy: Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.","Sheldon: Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Leonard (pretending to sneeze): 25 cats!,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk.","Sheldon: All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.",Mrs Cooper: Then stop talking.,"Sheldon: Yes, ma’am.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Yes, ma’am.","Mrs Cooper: Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other.","Sheldon: That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it.","Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.",Amy: Excellent point.,Sheldon: A physics point.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Amy: Touche.,"Mrs Cooper: Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you.","Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.",Amy: I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.,Sheldon: I’ll go as high as 40.,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I’ll go as high as 40.,Amy: Sixty-five.,"Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?",Amy: I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.,Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats?,1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats?,Amy: I would. I love cats. They’re the epitome of indifference.,"Sheldon: Ah, then you may find Zazzles a little cloying.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Mrs Cooper: Well, isn’t that sweet?",Scene: Outside. Sheldon is sitting at a table with a sign reading “Cats $20”),"Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.",1
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.",Amy: Next!,"Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Raj: I’m telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.","Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.","Raj: Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.","Sheldon: You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.",Raj: Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?",Penny: What’s up?,Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Bernadette: Hi, guys.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Howard: Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.",Raj: You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk?,Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.,Raj: You have a desk.,Sheldon: Correct.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Correct.,Raj: But I can’t have one.,Sheldon: You’re two for two.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: You’re two for two.,"Leonard: Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.","Raj: Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Howard: Okay, what if he buys his own desk?","Raj: Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?",Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,Howard: Why?,Sheldon: Because…,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Because…,Raj: Yes?,Sheldon: It’s my office.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: It’s my office.,Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.",Raj: And I can put it in your office?,"Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?",Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?,Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Scene: A corridor at the university.,"Leonard: So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.",Sheldon: One question.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: One question.,Leonard: Yeah?,Sheldon: Why on earth are you telling me all this?,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"(Sheldon opens his office door. It bangs against a desk. Inside, Raj is sat behind a huge, ornate antique wooden desk in an enormous antique swivel chair.)",Raj: You said I could buy a desk.,Sheldon: This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.,"Raj: Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk?",Sheldon: It’s actually British.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: It’s actually British.,Raj: Can you say it again for me?,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,Raj: One more time?,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,Raj: Now three times fast?,"Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?","Raj: That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.","Sheldon: All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.",Raj: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Raj: I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.","Sheldon: All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.",Raj: Knock yourself out.,Sheldon: Help me move my desk.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Help me move my desk.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No. It’s too Brobdingnagian.,Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.,"Raj: Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on.","Sheldon: All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.",Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat.,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Scene: University corridor. ,"Leonard: Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!",Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes?,Leonard: What are you doing in there?,Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.,"Raj: It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.","Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out.",1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Raj: Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.",Leonard: Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Isn’t that flammable?,"Sheldon: Highly. Oh, dear. (Explosion)",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.",Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.,Leonard: So what’s going on with you two?,"Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.","Leonard: Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?","Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.",Leonard: Got it.,Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.,"Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little.",Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.,Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?,Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.,"Leonard: Oh, right. That.","Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.",Leonard: I’m not jealous.,Sheldon: Hu-u-urgh! Leonard not jealous.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation, ,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.",Leonard: Probably. What’s your point?,"Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?","Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much.","Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?","Leonard: Um, shut up.","Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.",Leonard: That sounds lovely.,"Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.","Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.","Leonard: Fine. If I don’t meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.",Sheldon: It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre.  We’d never put Meemaw in a home!,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Howard: Hey.,Raj: Hey.,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll bow to social pressure. Hey!",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Raj: That’s what she said.,"Leonard: Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…","Sheldon: No, no, no, no!",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no!",Leonard: …who’s a friend.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is stretched face down on the sofa.,Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Are you ill?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Are you ill?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?",Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.,Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Amy (on webcam): May I offer an observation?,Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?,Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.,Leonard: That was two hours ago.,"Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.","Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.","Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: I did.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?,"Leonard: No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.","Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Leonard: Right.,"Amy: That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example.","Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Leonard (exiting the apartment): Keep going. I’m listening.,Amy: That was rude.,Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.,Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.,Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.,Amy: Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow.,"Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.",Amy: Wait. I have a request.,Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Yes?,Amy: I’d like you to meet my mother.,Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?,Amy: Certainly. Good night.,"Sheldon: Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.","Leonard: Yeah, what?",Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.,Leonard: Yeah. So?,Sheldon: What does that mean?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: What does that mean?,"Leonard: Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?",Sheldon: Uh-huh.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Uh-huh.,Leonard: You can’t say that anymore.,Sheldon: Wait. What?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Wait. What?,"Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.",Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!,"Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it?","Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.",Leonard: That is insane.,Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.,"Leonard: Okay, good luck.",Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?,"Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.","Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?",Sheldon: Screwed.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Screwed.,Leonard: There you go.,Sheldon: Amy’s right. He is tedious.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Well, I’m off to meet Bernadette’s friend. How do I look?","Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.",Leonard: What are you working on?,Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.,"Leonard: Ah, you’re going off the grid.",Sheldon: Exactly.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Exactly.,Leonard: The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.,Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.,Leonard: What if she just comes over?,Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.,Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?,"Sheldon: Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Leonard (there is a knock on the door): Who is it?,Amy (off): Amy Farrah Fowler.,Sheldon: Darn! She found me!,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Darn! She found me!,Leonard: She’s been here before.,"Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.",Leonard: What do you want to do?,Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.,"Leonard: Okay, where are you?","Sheldon: I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Leonard: Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.",Amy: All right. (Leaves),Sheldon: Way to go on the details.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon (wearing a heavy coat and false nose and glasses): EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, excuse me, madam.",Amy: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Rats!,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Rats!,Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.,"Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.",Amy: In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.,Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?,Amy: Precisely.,Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?,Amy: Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.,"Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.",Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.,Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?,"Amy: Sheldon, please, you’re suffocating me.","Sheldon: My apologies. Good night, Amy.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Mrs Fowler (on webcam): It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.",Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.,1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.,Mrs Fowler: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Mrs Fowler: Amy, what is he saying?","Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.",1
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Mrs Fowler: Oh!,"Amy: Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well.","Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Leonard: Problem?,Howard: This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.,Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.,"Raj: Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya.","Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.","Priya: Oh, Sheldon. You haven’t changed a bit, have you?",Sheldon: Why would I change?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Priya: I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.,Raj: Can you believe it? Little Priya’s one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.,"Sheldon: Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard: I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.","Raj: Alright, this goes without saying, but I’m just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister.","Sheldon: Why would I touch her, she’s covered with airplane germs.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Howard: Yes.,Raj: Okay then.,Sheldon: Cobbler. I’m still laughing.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Howard: So, you got any special plans with your sister?","Raj: Oh, not really, just hang out.","Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.",Raj: Train day?,"Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.",Raj: I don’t think we’re going to do that.,"Sheldon: Well then apparently, you hate fun.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard: Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?","Raj: Uh, my plans with Priya.",Sheldon: He rejected train day.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: He rejected train day.,Leonard: Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?,Sheldon: Abundantly.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Abundantly.,Leonard: I guess he just hates fun.,Sheldon: That’s what I said.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard: So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.","Priya: I don’t know, I just have the one day.",Sheldon: Do you like trains?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Do you like trains?,Priya: Not particularly.,Sheldon: You might as well just wait at the airport for your flight.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on his laptop., ,"Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.","Leonard: It’s getting pretty late, how come you’re still up?",Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.,Leonard: That’s pretty cool.,"Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.",Leonard: You’ve really got to get out more.,"Sheldon: Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Priya: You said he goes to bed at nine.,"Leonard: Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and…","Sheldon: Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Priya: Can’t you get rid of him?,"Leonard: If the past is any indication, no.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.",Leonard: Drop axe.,Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.,"Leonard: Give me a minute. Sheldon,","Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.","Leonard: Sheldon, you need to work in the morning.",Sheldon: I know.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I know.,"Leonard: Well then, bed mister.",Sheldon: Five more minutes.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Five more minutes.,Leonard: Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.,Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.,"Leonard: You don’t want that, do you?",Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?,"Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.",Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.,"Leonard: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work.","Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.","Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon!",Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.,Leonard (to Priya): We’re going to have to be very quiet.,"Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.","Leonard: No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Leonard: I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.,"Priya: Aha, you’re funny.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.,"Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.",Leonard: Air freshener.,Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.,"Leonard: Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash.",Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?,"Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great.","Sheldon: Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.","Leonard: Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go.",Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?,"Leonard: Uh, cream.",Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?,Leonard: Without.,"Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.",Leonard: Fine. With.,Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.,Leonard: Use your best judgement.,"Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.",Leonard: Sounds great.,Sheldon: Excellent choice.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard (whispering): Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)", ,Sheldon: Priya?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Priya?,"Priya: Good morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation, ,"Leonard: Making pretty good time, huh?","Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?,Leonard: Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister.,Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?,Leonard: No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister.,Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.,Leonard: Like what?,"Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?",Leonard: Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj.,"Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.","Leonard: Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard.",Sheldon: And Raj.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And Raj.,"Leonard: Alright, and Raj.",Sheldon: And me.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And me.,Leonard: You?,"Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.","Leonard: Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena.",Sheldon: You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.,"Leonard: My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.","Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret.",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: You know I can’t keep a secret.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: You know I can’t keep a secret.,"Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right?",Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?,"Leonard: Because, well, Batman has the secret.",Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.,Leonard: Like what?,"Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Scene: Leonard’s lab., ,Sheldon: Ta-da!,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Ta-da!,Leonard: What.,Sheldon: Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da!,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da!,"Leonard: Kind of busy here, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I know, that’s why I shortened it.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: I know, that’s why I shortened it.",Leonard: What do you want.,Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.,Leonard: What alibi?,"Sheldon: You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.","Leonard: Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with?","Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.","Leonard: Oh, God.","Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.","Leonard (reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him): Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.",Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.,Mechanical voice on Sheldon’s phone: Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.,"Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.",Leonard: Where did you get that?,Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.,Leonard: An orang-u-tan?,"Sheldon: Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Raj: Hey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister’s never been attracted to him.","Leonard: C’mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she’s attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.","Sheldon: And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya’s preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Howard: Really, you, and where, where did you go?","Leonard: To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?",Leonard: As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it.,"Sheldon: Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.","Leonard: Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.","Sheldon: Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.",Raj: What were you doing with Priya?,"Sheldon: I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Howard: How could you? We had a pact!,"Raj: Excuse me, I think how could you she’s my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!","Sheldon: May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Leonard: Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?,Raj: Dude! I put that thing on my face!,Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Raj: That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!,"Howard: And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food.","Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.",Leonard: You put moths in my food?,Sheldon: For science.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Raj: I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.,"Leonard: Well, uh, I can’t believe you used Sheldon’s toothbrush.",Sheldon: You used my toothbrush?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Howard: Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.","Raj: As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush.",Sheldon: And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.,Raj: I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving.,Sheldon: With real puffing smoke?,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: With real puffing smoke?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: Alright. But I’m watching you.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation, ,"Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone?","Sheldon: Well, sure.",1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, sure.","Leonard: These are pretty god, what flavour is this?",Sheldon: Guess.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Guess.,Leonard: Papaya?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Guava?,Sheldon: You’re so close.,1
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: You’re so close.,Leonard: I give up.,"Sheldon: Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it!",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The University Cafeteria.,"Leonard: No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.",Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.,Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?,Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Raj: Where are we going?,Howard: Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.",Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?,"Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.","Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.","Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door.,Leonard: Want to get that?,Sheldon: Not particularly.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Not particularly.,Leonard: Could you get that?,Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.,Leonard: Would you please get that?,Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?,Page: Dr. Cooper?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Yes.,"Page: I’m Special Agent Page, FBI.","Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.",Page: Here’s my I.D.,Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.,Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.,Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.,Page: Thank you.,"Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?","Page: Fidelity, bravery, integrity?","Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?","Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.",Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.,Page: Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?,"Sheldon: A little, but go on.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: A little, but go on.",Page: Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible?,"Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?",Page: That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in.,"Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?",Page: I did.,Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?,Page: I’m afraid not. Is there anything else?,"Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.",Page: The Mars Rover?,Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?,Page: You did.,"Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.","Page: Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway.",Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.,"Page: Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need.","Sheldon: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Raj: Ah, me, too.","Leonard: To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: What are you doing up?,"Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.",Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.,Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?,Leonard: I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep?,Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.,Leonard: Did something happen today that’s bothering you?,"Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?,Leonard: Because you feel guilty?,Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.,"Leonard: Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now.",Sheldon: Excuse me?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Excuse me?,Leonard: You’re having a guilt-ridden dream.,Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?,Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch?,"Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.",Scene: Agent Page’s Office.,"Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.","Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Yes.,Page: Was your statement untrue?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: No.,Page: Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.,Page: Is there anything else?,"Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…","Page: I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed.",Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.,Page: It’s closed.,"Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.",Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter?,"Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.",Scene: A corridor at the university.,Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?,"Raj: I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.",Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.,Dr Tyson: But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.,"Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Raj: Oh, yeah.",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.,Howard: You?,"Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.",Howard: And they were okay with that?,"Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.","Howard: Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?","Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.",Howard: Your apology is not accepted.,"Sheldon: You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.","Dr Tyson: Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.","Sheldon: Oh, shut up.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory.,Penny: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.","Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.",Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.,"Penny: Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you?",Sheldon: Alcohol.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Alcohol.,Penny: Could you be a little more specific?,Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.,"Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres.",Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.,Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters?,Sheldon: More or less.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: More or less.,"Penny: Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we?","Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.",Penny: A what?,"Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…","Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky.",Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.,"Penny: Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.",Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.,"Penny: All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind?","Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.","Penny: Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.","Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?",Penny: I drink.,"Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.","Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.","Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.",Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win.,Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.,Penny: Kirk cheated.,Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.,Penny: Right there with you.,Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.,"Penny: What? Sheldon, you can’t reprogram people.","Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)",Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Hello, all.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Raj: Hello.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?",Howard: Not really.,"Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.","Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon.",Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.,Raj: What’s in the bag?,Sheldon: It’s for Howard.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: It’s for Howard.,"Howard: Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts.","Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.",1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.",Howard: You’re giving me a couch cushion?,Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.,Howard: But you love that spot.,Sheldon: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Raj: Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.",Howard: All right. Apology accepted.,Sheldon: High five. Not too hard. Thank you.,1
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…",Sheldon: I changed my mind. Get out of my spot.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.","Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.","Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.",Leonard: Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?,Sheldon: There’s no switch. Just listen and learn.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Howard: Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.","Penny: Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?",Sheldon: Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Penny: What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!",Leonard: Exactly. They say it finally solves the submarine controversy.,"Sheldon: Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation, ,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?","Leonard: Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.","Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.","Howard: You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.",Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.,"Howard: Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you.",Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.,"Leonard: Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine.",Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?,"Leonard: Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.",Sheldon: But how were our seats?,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: But how were our seats?,Leonard: Excellent.,"Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?","Amy: Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.",Sheldon: Shrewd.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Howard: I have a girlfriend and you don’t.,Leonard: Hysterical!,"Sheldon: Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Penny: Uh, just wear something comfortable.",Amy: All right. I’ll have to go shopping.,Sheldon: Knock-knock.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Knock-knock.,Leonard: Who‘s there?,Sheldon: Hugh.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Hugh.,Leonard: Hugh who?,Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.,Scene: The movie theatre. The line is incredibly long.,"Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.",Howard: Ooh. Can’t wait for that to start.,Sheldon: I informed you thusly.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: I informed you thusly.,Raj: Eight for 28.,Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.,"Raj: Well I earned it, dude, I ate all my broccoli.","Sheldon: And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Howard: Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.","Raj: Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats.",Sheldon: What did he say?,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: What did he say?,"Leonard: Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap.",Sheldon: We might not get seats?,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: We might not get seats?,"Leonard: It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep.","Sheldon: Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Leonard: Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?","Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies!","Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.",Wil: Mee-sa think that very funny.,"Sheldon: Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Wil: Yeah.,Theatre Staff: I’m a big fan.,Sheldon: Of what? Poorly executed beards?,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Theatre Staff: No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.","Wil: Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye.","Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.","Leonard: Calm down, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Scene: The movie line. ,"Raj: Oh, oh, uh, looks like they’re getting ready to let people in.","Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.",Leonard: Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.,"Sheldon: I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Amy: Oh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas?,Scene: The movie line. ,"Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.","Theatre staff: Guys, I am sorry. We are full up.",Sheldon: No!,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Leonard: We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?,Theatre staff: Sorry. Fire regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier.,Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Theatre staff: ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.",Howard: I guess that’s that. Let’s go home.,Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.,"Raj: We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.","Sheldon: Look, a side door. Come on, Short Round.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon?,"Howard: Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.",Sheldon: You whistled?,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: You whistled?,Leonard: What is that?,"Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.","Leonard: Sheldon, this is crazy.",Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.,1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.,Leonard: Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.,"Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.","Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.","Sheldon: Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving.  Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Leonard: Yeah.,Scene: Outside the movie theatre.,"Sheldon: Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!",1
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Howard: Let’s see you run with a bag of urine strapped to your leg.,Wil: He’s got the movie! Get him!,Sheldon: Why is there never a pontoon plane when you need one?,1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Howard: You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener?",Leonard: He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?,"Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.",Howard: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?,"Sheldon: Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity, ,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Are you sure you have enough comics? You’re going to be monitoring the telescope for 12 hours, and by my estimate, you’ve only selected seven hours of reading material. That’s even factoring in your difficulty in parsing American comic book idioms like Bamf and Snikt.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Howard: Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race.","Raj: Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.","Sheldon: I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.",Leonard: You’ll never guess what just happened.,"Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Aw.,1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Sheldon: Aw.,Leonard: Penny kissed me.,"Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Howard: Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.,Leonard: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.,"Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Raj: Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.",Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?,"Sheldon: If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Penny (at door): Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?","Leonard: Yeah, sure.",Sheldon: I’m starting to think we’re never going to see that pizza.,1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: I love you.,"Penny: Love you, too.","Sheldon: Oh, friggety-frak. Not this again.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?,Penny: Maybe.,"Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…",Leonard: Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this?,Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.,1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.,"Penny: No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?","Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.",Leonard: Fines?,"Sheldon: Yes. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: I’ll friend you on Facebook.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.","Leonard: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again.","Sheldon: Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?,Raj: Why? You writing a book?,"Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.",1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.",Raj: Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject?,Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.,1
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Howard: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?,"Leonard: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.","Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.",Leonard: Great.,"Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.","Raj: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?",Sheldon: Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Howard: Uh-uh.,Raj: We’re good.,"Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?",Leonard: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.,"Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Leonard: 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.",Scene: Amy’s lab. ,Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?,"Amy: It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.","Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.","Amy: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Amy: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.","Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.","Amy: No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.",Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.,"Amy: Oh, that sounds like fun.",Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?,"Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.",Sheldon: Localized to what region?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Localized to what region?,Amy: Ears and genitalia.,Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.,"Amy: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.",Sheldon: Who?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Who?,Amy: Zack.,Sheldon: Then why did you ask?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Then why did you ask?,Amy: Ask what?,Sheldon: Who.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Who.,Amy: Zack.,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?",Amy: Hoo.,Sheldon: Zack.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Zack.,Amy: Why do you keep saying Zack?,Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.,Amy: I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night.,"Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?",Amy: There was no question. I simply said hoo.,"Sheldon: All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Scene: Amy’s lab. ,Amy: My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.,Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?,"Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause.",Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.,"Amy: I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.",Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.,"Amy: Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.","Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.",Amy: Religion?,Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?,Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.",Amy: Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?,Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?,Amy: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.,Amy: Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?,"Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.",Amy: And?,Sheldon: I reject it.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I reject it.,"Amy: You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?",Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.,"Amy: That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.","Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.",Scene: The laundry room.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Hey. Isn’t tomorrow your usual laundry night?,"Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.",Penny: That’s thinking ahead.,Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.,Penny: So how’s Amy?,Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.,"Penny: Oh, no. Why?","Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.",Penny: Just going to skip over that insult.,Sheldon: What insult?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Penny: Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the",scientific word?,Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.,Penny: Oh! Okay. Wow.,Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.,Penny: Are you sure?,Sheldon: What are you suggesting?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: What are you suggesting?,Penny: I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?,Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.,Penny: Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind.,Sheldon: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.,Penny: Exactly.,"Sheldon: Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Penny: Oh, Amy, you lucky girl.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: Yes. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Is this the Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny? Sorry to bother you. Hello. I’m looking for a Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny. Coitus. It means intercourse. And I have a feeling I’m speaking to the right Zack. This is Sheldon Cooper. Fine. Shelly. Yes, that does sound like a girl’s name. No, it doesn’t bother me. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me. Let me tell you why I’m calling. I’d like to know if you’d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Good grief. It’s like trying to talk to a dolphin.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Leonard: Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.,Scene: A bar.,Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?,Amy: I’m sure it’ll wash off.,Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.,Amy: There’s Zack.,Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?,"Amy: It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do.","Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.",1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.","Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.",Sheldon: Please don’t drag this out. This is never going to come off.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Leonard: Fellas. It’s been 30 minutes. Nobody’s touched each other.,Scene: A street. ,Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.,1
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.,Amy: As am I. (Holds Sheldon’s hand),Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: Ice Dragon.,Leonard: Lesser Warlord of Ka’a.,Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.,Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.",Leonard: Do you understand why people don’t want to play with you?,"Sheldon: No, although it’s a question I’ve been pondering since preschool.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?","Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.",Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: They might be smarter than some people.,"Zack: Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: A dolphin might.,"Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I’m stupid.",Sheldon: That’s not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: You started it, we just piled on.",Leonard: What would I even say?,"Sheldon: Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.",Raj: A Milk Dud?,"Sheldon: Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Leonard: I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?",Raj: Junior Mints are pretty apologetic.,Sheldon: You’re embarrassing yourself.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: You’re embarrassing yourself.,Scene: At Penny’s door. Leonard knocks three times. ,Sheldon: Penny.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Zack: No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.","Leonard: Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.",Sheldon: That’s very hurtful.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: See?,"Zack: I don’t know, it still wasn’t very nice.",Sheldon: Milk Dud?,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: Leonard’s buying.,Zack: Really? I haven’t been to a comic book store in literally a million years.,Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Scene: The comic book store.,"Zack: Wow, this place is awesome. Where do they keep the Archies?","Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Zack: Yippee.,Stuart: So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party?,Sheldon: Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.,Howard: Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.,"Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.","Leonard: Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.","Sheldon: That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?",Stuart: Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots?,Sheldon: I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: He is the only person we know with actual muscles.,Leonard: You can’t replace me with Zack.,Sheldon: Why not? Penny did it.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?","Zack: Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.","Sheldon: Congratulations. Zack, how would you like to be Superman?",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: You can be Aquaman.,Raj: I don’t want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Penny: What great news?,"Zack: We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.",Sheldon: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.,"Penny: Okay, what about your friend Amy?",Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed as Green Lantern, Sheldon as The Flash. ",Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously.,Leonard: You’re jogging.,Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces.,"Leonard; Just chill out, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.,Howard: I’m Batman.,"Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Zack: Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.,Penny: All right. Let’s get this thing over with.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Zack: Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.","Howard: Well, actually.",Sheldon: Don’t. He’s making our case.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Penny: I’m not talking to you.,Zack: Then who are you talking to? Babe?,"Sheldon:  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon:  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.",Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?,"Sheldon: I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.","Penny: Okay. What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: I understand why you’re upset.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: I understand why you’re upset.,Penny: Really?,Sheldon: Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.,"Penny: No. Wait, wait, does it?",Sheldon: Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.,"Penny: Good-bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: But they’re not blonde, so put on your wig. Hello?",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: Who else would it be?,"Zack: I don’t know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you?",Sheldon: I may have failed.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Zack: I don’t want to go without Penny.,"Raj: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.","Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.","Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.",Sheldon: I’m Kermit. You’re Scooter.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.","Leonard: Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?",Sheldon: Yes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Leonard: Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.","Howard (outside the door): Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.",Sheldon: Oh.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Oh.,Zack: Yes.,Sheldon: What’s the bad news?,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination, ,Stuart: And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three!,Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much!,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Stuart: Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight.","All: Ten, nine, eight…","Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech.",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech.","All: Seven, six…",Sheldon: Stop counting!,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Stop counting!,"All: Five, four, three…","Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it!",1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it!","All: Two, one! Happy New Year!",Sheldon: I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.,1
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.,Leonard: What should we do?,Sheldon: We’re the Justice League of America. There’s only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Howard: Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse. Now, put your finger on it. Doesn’t matter which finger. Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon. Yeah, the little envelope. What do you mean, what does it look like? It looks like an envelope! Fine, you don’t like the computer, don’t use it! Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye!","Raj: That’s a Hanukkah present you’re regretting, huh?","Sheldon: I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.","Leonard: I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation?",Sheldon: Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Leonard: I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!",Raj: You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises.,"Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.",Leonard: Can you say that and not make it sound like I’m a cat who learned how to use the toilet?,"Sheldon: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable, though if pressed, I’d have to give a slight edge to the cat. I’ll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer. I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Raj: I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Oh!,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: I checked the App Store. No one is doing handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, shush.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, shush.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: You have so few good ideas, Leonard. And you’re just going to spill the beans in front of an outsider?",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon (singing): The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…","Penny: Okay, stop, stop!",Sheldon: Of Texas.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Penny: Bored.,Leonard: Satisfied?,Sheldon: Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Penny: Hey, wait a minute.","Howard: Well, hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.","Sheldon: Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Howard: Hey, I…",Penny: Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.,"Sheldon: She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.",Leonard: That is ridiculous.,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Penny: Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.","Howard: There’s your answer, free food.","Sheldon: All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.","Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.",Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.,Raj: Oh. Very clever. But still racist.,"Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.",Howard: Why am I listed as your executive assistant?,"Sheldon: Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.","Leonard: Okay, we need to stop for a minute.","Sheldon: Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge.","Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.","Leonard: Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.","Sheldon: You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Leonard: Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.,Raj: Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass.,"Sheldon: All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.",Leonard: Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, we’re doomed.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Later. ,"Leonard: So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients.","Sheldon: Good one, boss.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Good one, boss.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.,Leonard: It’s not a joke. It’s the real design.,"Sheldon: In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?","Leonard: Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.",Leonard: Are you done?,"Sheldon: If you say so, boss.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Later still.,"Howard: So right now, this button-press event is just triggering a dummy procedure call…",Sheldon: How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.,Raj: So it spells Sheldon?,Sheldon: Does it? A happy accident.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Leonard: We’re not doing names now. Howard?,"Howard: Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…","Sheldon: All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.",Leonard: That’s just Sheldon backwards.,Sheldon: Another happy accident.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Another happy accident.,Leonard: We’re not wasting time with names right now.,Sheldon: I see. Is that decision open for discussion?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I see. Is that decision open for discussion?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Leonard: No.,"Howard: Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…",Sheldon: I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.,"Leonard: Oh Sheldon, stop it.","Sheldon: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…","Leonard: That’s enough, Sheldon.","Sheldon: All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.","Leonard: Okay, that’s it, you’re fired.",Sheldon: Really? Why?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Really? Why?,Leonard: Because you’re impossible to work with.,Sheldon: I see. And is that open for discussion?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization, ,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.",Leonard: But I fired you.,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.","Leonard: No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever.",Sheldon: But I made it better.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: But I made it better.,Leonard: I don’t want it better. I want it my way.,"Sheldon: Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.",Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?,"Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.","Leonard: Look, I’m still happy to drive you to work. Nothing’s changed in that regard. We’re still roommates, we’re still friends.","Sheldon: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Raj: Mm. Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?","Howard: It means after we play handball, I’m showering at home.","Sheldon: Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.",Raj: World’s Greatest Astrophysicist?,Sheldon: Don’t thank me. You earned it.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Don’t thank me. You earned it.,Howard: Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.",Howard: We’re not quitting on Leonard.,Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?,Raj: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go, Beavers. I’ll be back.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Howard: Fine. Let’s say it together.,Raj: No. The moment has passed.,"Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?","Raj: You mean, Project Lenwoloppali?","Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?",Leonard: We’re actually scanning equations and getting good results.,"Sheldon: Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Howard: No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…,Leonard: What are you doing?!,Sheldon: Playing the theremin.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Playing the theremin.,"Leonard: No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin?","Sheldon: Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.",Leonard: Sheldon! We’re working here!,"Sheldon: That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.","Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.","Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?","Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.","Sheldon: Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.",Scene: The hallway.,Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow-ow-ow-ow.",Penny: What you doing? Trying to contact your home planet?,Sheldon: I’m practicing my theremin.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah.","Penny: Something got you down, there, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.,"Penny: Oh, honey, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.,Penny: Is that so?,Sheldon: Yes. And they’re still sticky.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Yes. And they’re still sticky.,Penny: Aw.,Sheldon: Probably going to have to throw them away.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Probably going to have to throw them away.,"Penny: Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.",Sheldon: With you?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: With you?,"Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.",Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?,"Penny: Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.",Sheldon: That’s your app idea?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: That’s your app idea?,"Penny: Well, you don’t like it?","Sheldon: I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.",Penny: Why not?,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.",Penny: And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that.,"Sheldon: I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.","Penny: Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some?",Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?,Penny: Milk.,Sheldon: Real cocoa?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Real cocoa?,Penny: That’s what it says on the packet.,Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?,"Penny: No, sorry.","Sheldon: Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.",Penny: What does that mean?,Sheldon: A disappointing drink for a disappointing day.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,Sheldon: Really? Leonard wants me back?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Really? Leonard wants me back?,"Penny: Oh, yes. He says they are lost without you.","Sheldon: Well, we sure saw that coming.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, we sure saw that coming.",Penny: That’s right.,Sheldon: You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.,"Penny: No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.",Sheldon: How?,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: How?,Penny: Say you’re sorry.,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.","Penny: Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: No.,Penny: No?,Sheldon: I was being sarcastic.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I was being sarcastic.,"Penny: Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically.","Sheldon: Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.","Penny: Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go.","Sheldon: Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.","Penny: Oh, you’re welcome.","Sheldon: Boy, I’m getting good at this.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up.","Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.","Leonard: Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.","Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.",Leonard: Thanks.,Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.,Howard: We have.,"Sheldon: As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.",1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Penny: Okay, these are Uggs. These are Crocs. These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.",Sheldon: Bored.,1
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Bored.,"Penny: Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.","Sheldon: Algorithm. You see, Penny, Alan Turing defined an algorithm…",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory,Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?,"Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging?",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?","Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty busy this weekend.",Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.,"Penny: Boy, this is great. I haven’t had a vacation in ages.","Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.",Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.,Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”,Amy: I don’t believe there’s any such thing.,Sheldon: You lied to me?,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.","Leonard: Don’t worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.","Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.",Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises.,"Sheldon: All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.",Penny: Yay!,"Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Leonard: They’re bigger than mine.,Scene: Leonard’s car. ,"Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.",Howard (voice): Fine.  Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now?,Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.,Howard: Still right behind you.,"Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Penny: So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?","Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.",Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Scene: Leonard’s car. ,Leonard: Are you an element in the actinoid series?,Sheldon: No. Amy?,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: No. Amy?,Amy: Are you usually radioactive when found in nature?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: No.,Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series?,"Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?","Penny: Uh, I don’t know. Are you food?",Sheldon: That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.,"Penny: Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?",Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.,Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?,Sheldon: Leonard.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: Leonard.,"Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.",Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Penny: Go to sleep.,Leonard: Good night.,Sheldon: Please tell me you’re not having coitus.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: Please tell me you’re not having coitus.,Penny: We are not having coitus.,Sheldon: Can you guarantee that it won’t happen at any time during the night?,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"TV Announcer: Next on Turner Classic Movies, Bridget Jones’s Diary.","Raj: Oh, my God, I’m crying already.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.",Raj: Why?,"Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Leonard: Penny’s here. (Raj whispers to him) No, we don’t want to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary!",Scene: A conference room.,"Sheldon: Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we’ll begin with opening remarks. Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science’s responsibility to society?",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Bernadette: I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.,Amy: Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.,"Sheldon: Dr. Koothrappali, would you care to join the conversation?",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.,Penny (voice): We weren’t getting back together! It was a one-time thing!,Sheldon: Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Amy: Hi, bestie.","Penny(voice): Yeah, hi.","Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.","Howard: Let me ask you something, Bernie.",Sheldon: I guess not.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Howard: What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?",Raj: I’d like to weigh in here. No.,"Sheldon: All right, why don’t we open it up to Q&A from the audience?",1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon (voice): Red Leader to Red Five. Red Leader to Red Five. Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye, a nonferrous metal. (Howard throws walkie-talkie out of window)",Scene: Leonard’s car. ,Sheldon: Must be out of range.,1
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Leonard: No. Why do you ask?,Amy: Because we’re going 120 miles per hour.,"Sheldon: All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,,Scene: A lecture hall.,"Sheldon: Good evening. I’m your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I was expecting applause, but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. I agreed to speak to you this evening, because I was told that you’re the best and the brightest of this university’s doctoral candidates. Hmm. Of course, that’s like saying you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. ‘Cause, you see, there’s only one electron in a hydrogen atom. Best and brightest, my sweet patootie. All right, let’s begin. Show of hands, who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators? Don’t kid yourselves.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Penny: Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Leonard: In a word, triumphant.",Leonard: Really? Triumphant?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Penny: Oh, please let me tell him.","Leonard: I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard.",Sheldon: Tell me what?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Tell me what?,"Howard: Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would.","Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.","Leonard: Oh, uh, from the context, we think it means kill me now.","Sheldon: Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think I’ll turn in. I didn’t want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on webcam, with an undersea background): So, what do you think?","Sheldon: It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.",Amy: Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish),Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: No.,"Amy: Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.",Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?,"Amy: If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.",Sheldon: For instance?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: For instance?,"Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.","Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.","Amy: All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?",Sheldon: Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.,"Amy: Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.",Sheldon: I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?,Amy: Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons.,Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.,Scene: Penny’s apartment door.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct?",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct?",Penny: I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress.,Sheldon: All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.,Penny: You want an acting lesson?,Sheldon: Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.,"Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?","Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.","Penny: Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge.","Sheldon: So, when could we start?",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: So, when could we start?","Penny: Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t.",Sheldon: I suppose that’s one way to look at it.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I suppose that’s one way to look at it.,Penny: I think it’s the only way to look at it.,Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?,Penny: Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.",Penny: Forget it.,Sheldon: I’ll pay you 40 dollars.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Raj: Just that I’m definitely not gay.,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.,Penny: You were acting?,"Sheldon: Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"The Technique of Acting, Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting, and Henry Winkler’s Heyyy, I’m an Actor.","Penny: Well, good for you. Come on in.",Sheldon: How shall we begin?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: How shall we begin?,"Penny: Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon (doing nothing): You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.,"Penny: Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.","Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.","Penny: All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up.",Sheldon: You’re the teacher.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: You’re the teacher.,Penny: Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation?,Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.,Penny: This is all about listening and responding.,Sheldon: Gotcha.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Gotcha.,"Penny: I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: All right.,Penny: All right.,Sheldon: Action.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Action.,"Penny: Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action.","Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?","Penny: Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?","Sheldon: I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.",Penny: Yogurt?,Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Yeah.,"Penny: Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here.",Sheldon: You do?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: You do?,"Penny: Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.",Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.,"Penny: Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.","Sheldon: Oh, and we’re going to use props?",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, and we’re going to use props?","Penny: You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?",Sheldon: You have any frozen yogurt?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Penny: So, did you get a chance to go over the scene I gave you?",Sheldon: Yes. I didn’t care for it.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Yes. I didn’t care for it.,"Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.","Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.",Penny: Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study?,Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.,Penny: And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams?,Sheldon: Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?,Penny: Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before.,"Sheldon: It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.",Penny: KMN.,"Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.","Penny: Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.",Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.,"Penny: Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?,Penny: It’s only logical.,Sheldon: Very well. I’ll set the scene.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Very well. I’ll set the scene.,Penny: All right.,"Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.","Penny: Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene.",Sheldon: Hoo!,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Hoo!,Penny: Now just read your mother’s line.,"Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.",Penny: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.,"Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!","Penny: Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.,Penny: Just keep going!,"Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.","Penny: We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.","Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”","Penny: Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why?,"Penny: Well, you’re losing your son.","Sheldon: Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.","Penny: All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.,1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.,"Penny: All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.","Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.",Penny: That’s good. That’s good. That’s good.,"Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.","Penny: Okay, I guess we’re improvising now.","Sheldon: Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.",1
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.","Penny (on phone): Mrs. Cooper, hey, it’s Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.","Sheldon: Mommy, I love you. Don’t let Spock take me to the future!",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Raj: Here’s what I wonder about zombies. (Others all groan) What happens if they can’t get any human flesh to eat? They can’t starve to death, they’re already dead.",Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?,Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Leonard: Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.",Howard: Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?,"Sheldon: Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Raj: Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.,"Dr. Seibert: Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today?","Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?","Seibert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.","Sheldon: It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves,",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Raj: Sounds great!,Howard: I’m in!,"Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?",Seibert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.,Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.,"Seibert: I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.","Sheldon: I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Raj: Oh, you don’t want that.","Seibert: So, Saturday night! It’s gonna be off the hook.",Sheldon: Ugh!,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Leonard: Oh. We should get going.,Howard: What about Sheldon?,Sheldon: Sheldon is not going.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Sheldon is not going.,Leonard: Really? What do we tell Siebert?,Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.,"Penny: Sheldon, it’s Saturday night, you’ll be doing laundry.","Sheldon: Don’t tell him that, tell him the mask thing.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Raj: It’s Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.","Amy (on webcam): Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.","Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.","Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.",Sheldon: That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Amy: I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?",I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.,Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?,"Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.","Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.","Amy: And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.",Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.,"Amy: Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department.","Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!","Amy: Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts.",Sheldon: No!,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: No!,"Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.","Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Good morning, Mrs. Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband’s ill-gotten gains. So, how much money are you going to give me? I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you’re not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who’s crazy now?","Leonard: Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.","Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?","Leonard: Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up.","Sheldon: Okay, I see what’s happening.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Okay, I see what’s happening.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.","Leonard: Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I’ve been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.","Sheldon: No, that can’t be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we’re best friends. And I got your back, Jack.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?","Penny: Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching.","Sheldon: You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Howard: Hey. How was dinner?,Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?,"Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Howard: What’s going on?,"Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.","Sheldon: Oh, wow!",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Howard: Yes!,Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Penny: You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you?","Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.",Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.","Leonard: Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her.",Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.,"Leonard: Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen.","Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Leonard: I repeat, not gonna happen.",Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain?,Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon (on phone): Okay, fine. I’ll tell him. Leonard, Mrs. Latham’s car is here for you.",Leonard: I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.,"Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.",Leonard: What’s this?,"Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.",Leonard: I am not going to have sex with her.,Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!,Leonard: Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.,"Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not?",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not?","Leonard: Good night, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!","Penny: He still won’t shag the old lady, huh?",Sheldon: No. But thank you for asking.,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Leonard: What?,"Penny: Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.",Sheldon: What’s going on?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: What’s going on?,"Leonard: Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me.",Sheldon: Are you just getting home?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Are you just getting home?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?","Penny: Oh, yeah.",Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!,"Leonard: No, I didn’t do it for the money.",Sheldon: She stiffed you?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: She stiffed you?,Penny: I believe that’s what your roommate did to her.,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Penny: Again, read the book we gave you.","Leonard: No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first.","Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.","Leonard: Uh, I’m gonna go lie down.","Sheldon: That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.",1
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.",Penny: Hey!,Sheldon: Another compliment! Learn to recognize them.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Leonard: Still arguing over which CSI is the best?,"Howard: No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.",Sheldon: What’s going on?,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: What’s going on?,Leonard: Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.,Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.",Howard: Tea does sound nice.,"Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Howard: There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.,"Leonard: Wait, wait. What?","Sheldon: Cocoa, Leonard. Focus. I’m down in the dumps here.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Howard: I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.","Leonard: Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye.","Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.",Howard: That’s not really necessary.,"Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.",Howard: Thanks.,Sheldon: That’s what tertiary friends are for.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Raj: It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.",Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.,"Howard: That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans.","Sheldon: Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Priya: Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Raj: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.,"Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.","Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Priya: It’s very nice to meet you.,"Penny: Oh, yeah, you, too.","Sheldon: Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Raj: All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.,"Penny: Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza.","Sheldon: That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Priya: Hi. Penny, right?","Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.","Sheldon: No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.","Penny: Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn.",Sheldon: Did you get the part?,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Did you get the part?,Penny: I didn’t do the audition.,"Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Scene: The apartment. ,Penny: I smell Chinese food.,Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.,Penny: Are Leonard and Priya here?,Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.,Penny: Oh. Where’s Raj?,"Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.",Penny: How about Howard?,Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.,"Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I guess it’s just the two of us, huh?","Sheldon: Actually, it’s the three of us.",1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Penny: Not really.,"Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset.",Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.,1
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.,"Penny: Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. I don’t want tea.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s not optional.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?","Leonard: Okay, I’m out of here.","Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?",Leonard: I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?,"Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.",Leonard: Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight?,"Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.",Leonard: Just come with me to Raj’s.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.","Leonard: It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.",Leonard: How come it’s not a party when we do it here?,Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.,"Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not?","Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.",Leonard: I guess you’re right. See you later.,Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?,Leonard: Come with me to Raj’s and eat there.,Sheldon: I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?,Leonard: I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve.,"Sheldon: But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.","Leonard: What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?","Sheldon: No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.",Credits sequence. ,"Sheldon: Oh, dear!",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Oh, dear!",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.,Leonard: So don’t watch TV. Read a book.,"Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.",Leonard: Ugh!,"Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?",Leonard: Right.,Sheldon: Is it about me or the dead pixels?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Raj: Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.","Leonard: Oh, sounds great.","Sheldon: Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Leonard: Hi.,"Howard: That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth?","Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.","Priya: There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.","Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.",Leonard: Just sit here.,"Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.","Raj: Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.","Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.","Priya: Do you want a margarita, Sheldon?",Sheldon: A margarita? Where are we? What is happening?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory,"Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya?",Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella.,Penny: Where are all your friends?,"Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.",Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?,"Penny: Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy?","Sheldon: I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.","Penny: Oh, the horror.","Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?",Penny: Ugh!,Sheldon: Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?,"Amy (on phone): Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj’s, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.","Sheldon: Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn’t look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Amy: Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.","Penny: Yeah, it’s a great time to be alive, isn’t it?",Sheldon: Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Penny: Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.",Amy: Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise.,Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck.,"Amy: Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.",Sheldon: Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What you doing?,Sheldon: I’m setting out snacks.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: I’m setting out snacks.,Leonard: You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight?,"Sheldon: I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?",Leonard: You’re having people over?,"Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.",Leonard: Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here?,Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him.,"Leonard: Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek.","Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.",Leonard: Of course. Good night.,Sheldon: Leonard.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Leonard.,Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I.",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: But change is a part of life.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: But change is a part of life.,Leonard: It certainly is.,Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.,Leonard: I am leaving.,"Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.","Leonard: Good-bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: And good-bye to you, sir. He’ll be back.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Leonard: Of course I’ll be back. I live here!,"Scene: The apartment, later. ","Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?","Stuart: Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.","Sheldon: That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?","Zack: I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me?",Sheldon: Of course. Barry?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Of course. Barry?,"Barry: I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?","Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.",Barry: One more question…,"Sheldon: Yes, you must be present to win.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Zack: Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.",Sheldon: Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Barry: Weally? That’s your question?,Zack: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.","Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?","Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Stuart: Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.,"Zack: Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice…",Sheldon: The water level rose.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: The water level rose.,Zack: No.,"Sheldon: Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.","Barry: Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue.","Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.",Barry: Does yours have wet bweasts in it?,"Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.","Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her.","Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!","Zack: No, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don’t know why. Just do.","Sheldon: All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Stuart: And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.,Barry: Check.,Sheldon: I’m unhappy.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation, ,Stuart: Anybody do Walking on Sunshine yet?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Howard: I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.,Raj: Come on in.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies.,Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.,"Priya: Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?,Sheldon: Are there beans in it?,1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Are there beans in it?,Priya: Yes.,"Sheldon: Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.","Priya: Sheldon, do you want some or not?","Sheldon: Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered.",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.",All: Cheers.,"Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?",1
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?","Priya: Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.",Sheldon: She’s also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Howard: Hey, Raj, wanna see a new magic trick I’ve been working on?","Sheldon: Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel prize acceptance speech.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Raj: Okay.,"Howard: Now remember your card, put it back in the deck.",Sheldon: Is it any wonder he doesn’t have a doctorate?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Howard: Is that your card?,"Raj: Yes, it is. Very cool!",Sheldon: It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?,Howard: A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.,Sheldon: Fine. Give me a second.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: That’s your card, right?",Penny: Seven of clubs! That is amazing!,Sheldon: It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.,"Howard: Oh, really? So how did I do it?","Sheldon: Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.",Howard: I thought you had more important things to think about.,"Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.","Penny: Oh, big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.",Sheldon: Not knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: Yeah, I was talking to Raj.",Penny: Oopsy.,Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion.,Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I’ll do the trick with that.,Sheldon: So you’re saying this is a regulation deck?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Howard: And was your card the jack of diamonds?,"Penny: Oh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet?",Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!","Penny: Hey, I think I know how you did the card trick.","Sheldon: Oh, oh, please, if I don’t know, you don’t know. That’s axiomatic.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Priya: I hope you weren’t cruel to her.,"Leonard: Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.","Leonard: I am not opening that door, Sheldon.","Sheldon: As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?",Leonard: Yep.,Sheldon: (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?,Leonard: (Not looking) Nope.,Sheldon: Drat. Is this your card?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Drat. Is this your card?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: I’ll be right back.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: I’ll be right back.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is alone.,"Sheldon: Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.",Leonard: Whatcha doin’?,Sheldon: I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick.,Leonard: What’s up with the infrared cameras?,"Sheldon: I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.","Leonard: Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?",Sheldon: Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.,"Leonard: Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.","Sheldon: Relax, we’re not under attack right now.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Relax, we’re not under attack right now.","Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving before the black helicopters get here.","Sheldon: And is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Leonard: It is pretty spicy.,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.",Howard: Really?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?",Raj: Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down?,Sheldon: All right. Pick a card.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: All right. Pick a card.,Howard: Okay.,Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.,Howard: What’s with the wand and the beep?,"Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.",Raj: These cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It’s transmitting to your phone.,"Sheldon: I said, ta-da. Show’s over.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Raj: Son of a gun, you’re blowing my mind!",Howard: Bippity-boppity-boo-yah!,Sheldon: That does it. I’m getting uranium.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Raj: Hi!,Howard: Hey!,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Raj: Why so glum, chum?","Sheldon: Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.","Howard: Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet?",Sheldon: Figure out the magic trick yet?,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Figure out the magic trick yet?,Howard: Want me to tell you how to do it?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: No.,Howard: I’ll show you one more time. Raj?,"Sheldon: Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.",1
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.",Howard: All right. (Raj looks over Sheldon’s shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.,Sheldon: I hate you.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,,Scene: The apartment,"Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Policeman: Here. Breathe into this bag.,Leonard: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: They stole everything, Leonard, everything.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Policeman: Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.,"Leonard: Oh, my God, what did they get?","Sheldon: What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.",Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?,"Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.",Policeman: Into the bag.,Sheldon: They took my battle ostrich.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: They took my battle ostrich.,"Leonard: Oh, no, not Glenn?","Sheldon: Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Policeman: Good luck, fellas.","Leonard: Thank you, officer.",Sheldon: Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?,"Policeman: Mr. Cooper, there’s nothing…",Sheldon: Doctor Cooper.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.,"Policeman: Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora.","Sheldon: That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?",Policeman: What?,"Sheldon: You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Policeman: No.,"Leonard: Thank you, officer.",Sheldon: It’s all gone. All gone.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: It’s all gone. All gone.,"Leonard: I’m really sorry, Sheldon.","Sheldon: What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?",Leonard: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.","Leonard: I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.",Sheldon: See if Raj is done with Pilates.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion, ,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.","Howard: Whoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn’t leave a digital fingerprint.",Sheldon: Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.,"Raj: Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things.",Sheldon: Can we trust him?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Raj: I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.",Howard: Whoa! Somebody’s auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!,"Sheldon: No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Leonard: Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.","Penny: Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.","Sheldon: That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Raj: Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.","Penny: Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!",Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.,Penny: Just say thank you.,Sheldon: I thought I just did.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: We got him. We’re almost done.,"Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?","Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.","Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.","Sheldon: I don’t care! I’m losin’ it, man!",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Priya: No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.","Leonard: Good, good. I’ll tell you what happens.",Sheldon: And people think I don’t get sarcasm.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Raj: I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.,"Howard: Good news, gentlemen, I found our hacker.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: Really?,"Howard: Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.","Sheldon: I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!","Howard: Thanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.",Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.,"Howard: Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house.",Sheldon: Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.,"Leonard: Hold on, you’re thinking of going there?",Sheldon: Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.,"Leonard: Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?","Sheldon: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.",Leonard: No one’s getting tortured.,"Sheldon: Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?",Raj: I totally had one of those.,"Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?","Raj: I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after?",Sheldon: Sure.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: Also, tonight’s the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and","watching Wheel of Fortune, so If we could leave at eight, we’d still be able to regain our birthright at ten, ten thirty latest.",Sheldon: Fine. Leonard?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Raj: Me, too.",Howard: And me.,"Sheldon: One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.",Scene: Howard’s house,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I thought this delay was so you could watch Wheel of Fortune with your mother.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.",Howard’s Mother (off): Whoopi and Rube Goldberg!,Sheldon: That’s uncanny.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: Totally.,"Raj: Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning?","Sheldon: Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.","Raj: Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.","Sheldon: I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?",Raj: I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.,Sheldon: This says Beyonce Bootylicious Dance Mix.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Raj: She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that.,"Leonard (as Ride of the Valkyries begins): Oh, yeah, I’m feeling it.",Sheldon: We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Scene: Stuck in a traffic tailback.,"Howard: Next time we go to kick someone’s ass, we take the train.",Sheldon: I always prefer the train.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Scene: Outside Todd Zarnecki’s house.,"Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go.",Sheldon: Coming.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Coming.,Howard: Why did you bring that?,Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.,"Leonard: Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody.",Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.",Leonard: Come on.,Sheldon: Can I at least kick down the door?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Leonard: You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)",Voice Inside: Who is it?,Sheldon: Your doom!,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Your doom!,Raj: Don’t say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom?,Sheldon: Good point. Basket of puppies.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Huge man (opening door): What?,"Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?,Todd: Yeah. Who are you?,Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.,Todd: I don’t think so. Let me see that.,Sheldon: Careful. That’s a collectible.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Careful. That’s a collectible.,Todd: I know. I’ve always wanted one. (Closes door),"Sheldon: Well, he’s even more cunning than we thought.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, he’s even more cunning than we thought.",Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Sheldon: You know, the joke’s on him. Without the certificate of authenticity, that bat’leth is worthless.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Raj: What’s the matter?,"Leonard: Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?",Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Howard: 19th-century technology.,Leonard: Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: No, not a clue.","Leonard: Well, we’d better call somebody to come pick us up.",Sheldon: It’d be swell if they had a train.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: It’d be swell if they had a train.,Scene: Penny’s car.,"Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.",1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?",Penny: So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back?,Sheldon: No. We failed in our noble quest.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: No. We failed in our noble quest.,Penny: How come?,Sheldon: Todd Zarnecki was mean.,1
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Penny: Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.",Todd: Okay.,"Sheldon: We did it! I said, we.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: A bookstore.,"Dr. Brian Greene: My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.",Sheldon: Hysterical.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Hysterical.,"Amy: I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly.",Sheldon: Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.,"Greene: You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle.",Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.,"Amy: Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette.","Sheldon: Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.","Amy: Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups.","Sheldon: Forgive my language, but poppycock.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Forgive my language, but poppycock.","Amy: What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish?","Sheldon: Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?",Amy: Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.,"Sheldon: I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?",Greene: Yes?,Sheldon: You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.,"Greene: Yes, in part.","Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?",Greene: Excuse me?,"Sheldon: Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing on a Nintendo Wii.,Leonard: Nice shot.,Sheldon: Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.,Leonard: Perfect.,"Sheldon: I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?",Leonard: Shooting at a target?,Sheldon: With what?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: With what?,Leonard: An arrow.,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.,"Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.",Leonard: Really? How could you tell?,Sheldon: She was attempting to engage me in gossip.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: She was attempting to engage me in gossip.,Leonard: You don’t say?,Sheldon: Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.,"Leonard: So, what’s the gossip?","Sheldon: Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.","Leonard: Fine, don’t tell me.","Sheldon: All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.",Leonard: Oh. That’s too bad. I wonder what happened.,"Sheldon: Mm, it’s hard to say. I can only speculate based on the data I collected watching my parents’ marriage implode. In that case, the woman dives into religion, while the man dives into a bottle-blonde bartender who tries to buy my love with action figures. Oop! Out of arrows.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Raj: Fair enough. Now, what’s up with Clarinet? Bernadette!",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about Dr. Greene’s efforts to make science palatable for the masses.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about Dr. Greene’s efforts to make science palatable for the masses.,"Leonard: Oh, yeah? What about it?","Sheldon: That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Howard: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.",Leonard: Lucky bastard.,Sheldon: Now I’m thinking about Jell-O.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Leonard: Man, he’s going to be blindsided.",Raj: I know. It’ll be awful.,Sheldon: Why are you smiling?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Leonard: Yeah, Raj, why?","Raj: Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m back to trains. Woo-woo.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Did I tell you our lab got a grant to study addiction?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: No.,Amy: Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.,Sheldon: Have you learned anything?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Have you learned anything?,Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.,"Sheldon: If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.",Amy: By all means.,Sheldon: Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.,Amy: I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup.,"Sheldon: I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.",Amy: It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory?,"Sheldon: I’m familiar with everything, but go on.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I’m familiar with everything, but go on.",Amy: Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host.,"Sheldon: I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.",Amy: I should think so. That’s gold.,Sheldon: Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?,Amy: Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?,Sheldon: It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.,Amy: We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip.,Sheldon: And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.,"Amy: Then we’ll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.","Sheldon: Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hey.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Hey.,Leonard: Hope you’re hungry.,"Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.",Leonard: Will Amy be joining us for dinner?,"Sheldon: Yes, I believe so.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Yes, I believe so.","Leonard: Good, good. Everything okay between you two?",Sheldon: Yes. Why do you ask?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Yes. Why do you ask?,"Leonard: No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.","Sheldon: Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?",Leonard: No. That’s not what he meant.,"Sheldon: Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.","Leonard: Yeah, you do. You dog, you.",Sheldon: Did you get that?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Did you get that?,Amy (on webcam): Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.,Sheldon: This is moving faster than we thought.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: This is moving faster than we thought.,Amy: Agreed. It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.,"Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you is giving me a great deal of satisfaction.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Howard: Sure.,Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.,Sheldon: Pun intended?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Pun intended?,Amy: No. Happy accident.,Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.,Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.,"Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.",Amy: Pun intended?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. What pun?,1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: I’m sorry. What pun?,"Amy: Not important. I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.","Sheldon: I wish you hadn’t done that. That’s going to make me a chick magnet, and I’m so busy as it is.",1
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Priya: Oh, it’s so exciting.",Amy: I wonder what changed her mind.,Sheldon: Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,,Scene: The bathroom,"Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?","Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.","Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.,"Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.",Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.,Leonard: What kind of emergency?,"Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.",Leonard: You might not want to do that.,Sheldon: I assure you I do.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I assure you I do.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not alone in here.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What?,"Priya: Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.,"Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.","Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.","Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.","Sheldon: Come on, you can’t wait two minutes?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Scene: Penny’s door. , ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny: What?,Sheldon: Move. Move. Move!,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection, ,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, you are officially charged with two violations of the roommate agreement. Do you waive reading of the charges?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Leonard: Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.,Priya: Proceed.,"Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.",Priya: Can I see the roommate agreement?,"Sheldon: Um, it’s fairly technical.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.","Priya: All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Do so, do so.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Do so, do so.","Priya: Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.","Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?",Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.,"Priya: My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.",Sheldon: But…,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Priya: As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.",Leonard: Superceded!,Sheldon: This isn’t over.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Priya: Seriously?,Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.,Sheldon: What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Leonard: I’d like to refer that to my attorney.,"Priya: According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.","Sheldon: Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Howard: That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?","Priya: A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: No.,All: Opa!,"Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.",Leonard: Not as much as you.,Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.,Leonard: I got you the lamb kabob.,"Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.",Scene: Penny’s door. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny: Hey. What’s up?,Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.,"Penny: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.","Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.","Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.",Sheldon: Shotgun.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Amy: Fair warning, we can get ker-razy.",Bernadette: Yeah. Last week we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.,"Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Bernadette: Whee-ee-ee!,Amy: You smell like baby powder.,"Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.","Amy: Oh, I’m not confused at all. You’re like a sexy toddler.",Sheldon: I don’t know how to process that.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Bernadette: Not if they’re doing it for a long time.,"Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?","Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Penny: Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?",Amy: I’m available for experimentation.,Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.,"Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).",Sheldon: I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Penny: Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.","Bernadette: Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.","Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.",Amy: Really?,Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.,Penny: Did you take dance lessons?,"Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.","Penny: Oh, we are so taking you dancing.","Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.","Bernadette: Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?",Sheldon: I saved a nun’s life. Why am I being punished?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Penny: Take us to a place we can waltz.,Taxi driver: Where you can what?,"Sheldon: Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Taxi Driver: Here we go.,"Amy (singing): I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.",Sheldon: What happened to you?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?",Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?,Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.,Sheldon: And there’s your answer.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: And there’s your answer.,Amy: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?,"Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.",Amy: I have yoo-hoo.,Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.,Amy: Make yourself comfortable.,Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?,"Amy: Oh, that’s just Ricky.",Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?,Amy: Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.,Sheldon: What’s he doing here?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What’s he doing here?,Amy: I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.,Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?,Amy: A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.,Sheldon: is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?,Amy: Yeah. He’s kind of an ass.,Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?,Amy: Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?,"Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.",Amy: And you want me to kill her? Done.,"Sheldon: No, of course not.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: No, of course not.",Amy: I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.,"Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.",Amy: Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: No.,Amy: What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?,"Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.","Amy: You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.",Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?,"Amy: Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)",Sheldon: Fascinating.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.",Leonard: Why would I want to do that?,"Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?","Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in?","Sheldon: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence activated.,"Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?","Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.",Priya: So what happens when it counts down?,"Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?","Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.",Sheldon: 20 seconds.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Leonard: Then why can’t we tell your parents?,"Priya: Please, don’t push this.","Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.","Leonard: No, he’s bluffing.",Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.,Leonard: It’s blackmail!,Sheldon: Nine.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Nine.,Priya: We give up.,Sheldon: Eight.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Eight.,Leonard: This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug),"Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?",Priya: Give him what he wants or we’re done.,Sheldon: Three.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Three.,Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: Two.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: Okay, I’ll sign it!",Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence aborted.,"Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is at his laptop. ,"Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.",Amy: It most assuredly is not.,"Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?",Amy: Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?,"Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.",Amy: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.",1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.",Amy: Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here.,Sheldon: I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.,1
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Amy: Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.,"Leonard (off): Come on, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!","Sheldon: You’re preaching to the choir, sister.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Credits sequence ,"Leonard: Okay, see you later.",Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.,Leonard: That is good news. Bye.,"Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.","Leonard: That, that’s brilliant.","Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.","Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?","Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.",Leonard: All right.,"Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.",Leonard: Elegant.,Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.,"Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.",Sheldon: And…,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: And…,Leonard: And what?,"Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.","Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.","Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.",Leonard: Got it. Bye.,Sheldon: You know I’m right.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself. ,Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?,Raj: I need a hug.,"Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.","Raj: Come on, Sheldon, open the door.",Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.,"Raj: I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.","Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.","Raj: Well, not so much depressed as lonely.",Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.,Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.",Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely.,"Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.",Raj: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.,"Raj: Oh, cool. Can I play?",Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?,Raj: No.,"Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.","Raj: No, thank you. I’m fine.",Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.,"Raj: I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down.","Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?","Raj: I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.","Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.","Raj: Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.",Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.,Raj: A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.,Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?,Raj: I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.,Sheldon: I like cows.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I like cows.,Raj: That’s not the point.,Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.,"Raj: I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.","Sheldon: Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Scene: A coffee shop.,"Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.",Sheldon: I’m glad you think so. That’s what I strive to emulate.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Raj: My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Woman: Hi.,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Woman: What’s he observing?,"Raj: We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Raj: Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.",Angela: You’re cute.,Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.,"Server: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins.","Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.",1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Raj (taking his shirt off): Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?",Angela: I…,Sheldon: They were out of scones.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.,"Scene: The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess. ",Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.,Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?,Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.,1
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.,"Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.",Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.,"Leonard: Uh, that’s my water.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: What?,Leonard: My water. You’re drinking it.,Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?,Leonard: Yes. It’s my water.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.",Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Raj: Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.",Bernadette: You guys ready to order?,"Sheldon: Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Bernadette: I don’t understand.,Howard: He drank from Leonard’s glass.,Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.,Leonard: That’s actually my napkin.,"Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!",Howard: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gang way! Dead man walking!",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Priya: Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.","Howard: Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.",Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.,Leonard: You all right?,Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Fire demon.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Leonard: Water nymph.,"Raj: Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places.",Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?,Raj: Sorry. Walking tree.,Sheldon: Last one.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Howard: You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.,"Raj: Sheldon, that’s my water.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord!",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Leonard: That’s not your water.,Raj: I know.,Sheldon: Where’s the mouthwash?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Scene: The laundry room.,Penny: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?,"Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?","Penny: I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said.",Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?,Penny: My mirth. Classic.,Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?,"Penny: It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.",Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.,Penny: What are you doing at work these days?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.","Penny: Alright, come on, even you have to admit that’s jibber-jabber.","Sheldon: Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Penny: Okay.,"Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go!","Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.","Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going.",Sheldon: I can’t.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: I can’t.,"Penny: Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs.","Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.","Leonard: Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his.",Sheldon: I would think he would know that.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: I would think he would know that.,"Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Howard: They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.,Penny: What’s the difference?,Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.,Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.,"Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.","Penny: Okay, you’re not helping.",Sheldon: Disagree.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Disagree.,Leonard: Go sit over there.,"Sheldon: I’ll sit over there, it looks cleaner.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Bernadette: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?,"Howard: It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.","Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.",Howard: What’s wrong with the bathroom here?,"Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.","Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home.","Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?",Howard: No!,"Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take. Hold the door!",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon (exiting while the door is open): Finally. (Goes down corridor. Dodges into a door to avoid a coughing patient on a trolley. The room is full of doctors in hazmat suits.) Oh, what fresh hell is this?","Doctor: Wait, you can’t leave here, you’ve been exposed.","Sheldon: No, I haven’t. It’s all good.",1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Howard: Is it just me, or does she sound sexy when she’s angry?",Scene: A hospital room. The guys except for Sheldon are in Hazmat suits. ,Sheldon: Mountain Elf.,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Howard: Colossal Serpent.,Raj: I got a colossal serpent right here.,Sheldon: Must you?,1
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Must you?,"Raj: Sorry, I’m just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting Zombie. Sheldon’s new Facebook photo.","Sheldon: Zandor, Wizard of the North. Ha! I win.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Priya: Why not?,"Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.","Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.",Leonard: Kill me.,Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.,"Bernadette: Guys, sorry I’m late. I have amazing news.","Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.,Penny: Oh!,"Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Bernadette: Thank you.,"Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?","Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam. ,"Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.","Amy: It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.",Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.,"Amy: I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?",Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.,Amy: Have you considered massage?,"Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.",Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.,Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.,"Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: All right.,"Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.",Sheldon: Rotating.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Rotating.,Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.,Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?,Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!",Amy: Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.,Sheldon: There’s someone at my door.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Amy: That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.,Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why?,Raj: Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.,Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.,"Raj: Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room.","Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.","Raj: Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his?","Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.","Raj: Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.","Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.","Raj: Good night, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.",Raj: You’re kidding.,Sheldon: I never kid about safety.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.",Leonard: Until you have kids.,"Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.",Raj: When did you take my blood?,"Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.",Raj: What the hell is this?,Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.,Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.,"Sheldon: As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Leonard: There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.","Raj: Well, that seems fair.","Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.","Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.","Sheldon: Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Scene: The apartment. ,"Raj: Sheldon, dinner!",Sheldon: What is this?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: What is this?,Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.,Sheldon: Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Raj: It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.,"Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?","Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.",Penny: Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread?,"Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.","Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?",Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?","Raj: He’s living at my place, so I’m living here.",Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.,"Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That’s big.","Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that’s the headline.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Raj: More wine?,"Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I’ve had way too much already.",Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.,Penny: Hit me.,"Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.",Penny: Monkeys.,Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?,Penny: When a suitcase just won’t do.,"Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can’t talk to me?",Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch. ,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?",Leonard: I live here.,Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.,Leonard: Priya’s going back to India.,Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?,Howard: I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why?,Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?",1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Talk to him.,1
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Leonard: What’s going on?,"Penny: Oh. It’s, it’s not what it looks like.",Sheldon: What does it look like?,1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,,Scene: The Cafeteria,Sheldon: It’s not what it looks like. It’s not what it looks like.,1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Sheldon: It’s not what it looks like. It’s not what it looks like.,Leonard: What are you grinding about?,"Sheldon: Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.","Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.","Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.","Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.","Sheldon: No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.",Leonard: She lied.,Sheldon: Oh. Well don’t I look silly sitting here wearing this?,1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Raj: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?","Leonard: No, I’m fine with it.","Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I’m going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don’t see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can’t be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Raj: Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.",Leonard and Howard together: What?,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, if I may interject, I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.","Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I’m the dusky half of Koothrapenny.","Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Amy: Where are we going?,Penny: Somewhere where no one’s seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.),"Sheldon: Subtlety isn’t her strong suit, is it?",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?,"Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.","Leonard: I’m not in the mood, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)",Leonard: I don’t want to talk to Amy.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not Amy.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Dr Hofstadter: Hello, dear.",Leonard: You called my mother?,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Raj: It’s getting beautiful again.,Scene: A shed on the paintball range.,"Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.",Howard: I don’t see anything.,"Sheldon: Give it a second to load. Whenever you’re ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they’re out of sunblock, which means they’ll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That’s our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won’t know what hit them. All right, let’s move out.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Howard: Fine with me.,"Raj: Sure, whatever.",Sheldon: You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.,1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Sheldon: You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.,"Leonard: Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games.","Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?","Leonard: Yes, no and no.","Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.","Howard: Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.",Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.,1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets)",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Howard: Damn those sons of bitches!,Leonard: Let’s get ’em!,"Sheldon: If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory, Captain Sheldon Cooper.","Howard and Raj: Here, here.","Sheldon: Excuse me. It’s Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It’s kind of a big deal.",1
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Leonard: Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.","Penny: Shh! It’s my agent, it’s my agent. You’re kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it! Really? Oh, I’m so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.",Sheldon: What about Nebraska?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is laying out wine and napkins in front of his laptop.,Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Leonard: Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.",Sheldon: It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?,"Leonard: Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.","Sheldon: All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?",Leonard: That doesn’t sound like mocking.,Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?,Leonard: I don’t know. Why?,Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).,"Leonard: Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so…","Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.","Leonard: Yes, I’ve always admired that about you.",Sheldon: As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.,"Leonard: Oh, good.","Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.",Leonard: A hobby?,Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.,"Leonard: You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.","Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.",Leonard: You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?,Sheldon: Don’t you like Amy?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Don’t you like Amy?,Leonard: Of course I like Amy.,"Sheldon: Well, there’s the difference. (Skype tone rings)",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Priya: I miss you.,"Leonard: Oh, I miss you, too.",Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.,"Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple.","Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.",Penny: I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles.,Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.,Penny: I want a divorce.,"Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.","Penny: It’s great, isn’t it?","Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.",Penny: What name?,Sheldon: Chair.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Chair.,"Penny: Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon (jumps up): Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)",Penny: What is wrong?,Sheldon: I’ve been sitting in garbage!,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: I’ve been sitting in garbage!,"Penny: Sheldon, take it easy.",Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.,Penny: I went into this marriage with so much hope.,Sheldon: There’s a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment).,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Howard: Just his head, right?",Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair.,"Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.","Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.",Sheldon: Name one time I’ve ever done that.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Name one time I’ve ever done that.,Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again.,"Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.",Scene: Penny’s apartment door.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: Yello.,Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.,"Penny: Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Really?,Penny: Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.,Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.,"Penny: Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon?",Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.,Penny: Why don’t you just admit you overreacted?,"Sheldon: No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon (at Penny’s door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: What’s up, buttercup?",Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.,Penny: Nope. (Closes door) ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: What’s the word, hummingbird?","Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.",Penny: No. (Closes door),"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: What’s the gist, physicist?","Sheldon: Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing a harp.,"Amy: Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes…","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",Amy: Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?,"Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.","Amy: Denial. Denial, denial. Come in.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: No.,Amy: How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat…,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: No.,"Amy: Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up?","Sheldon: You’re good friends with Penny, right?",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: You’re good friends with Penny, right?","Amy: Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.",Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.,"Amy: For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?",Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.,"Amy: Yes, I am.",Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.,"Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate.","Sheldon: All right, name your price.",1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, name your price.",Amy: Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.,Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?,Amy: Never mind. I’ll talk to Penny.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: Will you listen to me play my harp now?,"Sheldon: No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t do that!",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling?,"Penny: Ooh, me.","Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.",Penny: Thank you all for this high honour.,"Sheldon: I’ve seen pictures of your mother, keep eating.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Howard: Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.","Penny: All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you.","Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?",Howard: Neither of them are close.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.","Penny: Okay, I’m not driving him.","Sheldon: No, Penny, don’t give up, you can get this.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Scene: Raj’s car.,"Bernadette: What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.",Howard: Which side do you come down on?,"Sheldon: I’ll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I’m going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it’s O-gauge or no gauge.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Howard: Why would she move out? It’s her house.,Bernadette: Hang on. You seriously think I’m going to live with your mother?,"Sheldon: Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that’s exactly what he thinks.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Howard: Movie theatre.,Raj: Mmmmmm.,"Sheldon: Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don’t care what you people do.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon (entering): Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.","Leonard: Rough night, Casey Jones?",Sheldon: You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.,1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.,Leonard: What’s in the bag?,"Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s not a spine,I’ll tell you that.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Leonard: Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?,"Amy: I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time.",Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.,1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.,"Amy: Doesn’t matter. You’re out, he’s in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change.","Sheldon: Ha-ha, you have to go to a wedding.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Mrs Wolowitz (off): Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief!",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing with his train set.,"Sheldon: All this years, I’ve been so wrong. The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Leonard: Ready.,Penny: Aw. So handsome. Like James Bond.,"Sheldon: Better than James Bond, because he’s tinier.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Leonard: Amy, this is for you.","Amy: When you’re done copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.",Sheldon: All aboard! Woo-woo! It’s official. I’m an H-O trainiac.,1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Amy: No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better shot than he does.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.",1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.",Leonard: Sounds like you had a great night.,Sheldon: I did. How was yours?,1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: I did. How was yours?,Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.,Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?,1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?,"Leonard: Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that?",Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you.,1
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Not for you!,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?","Howard: I say, hey Ma, what’s for dinner?”","Sheldon: Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Howard: You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?,Leonard: Maybe. We enter the dungeon.,Sheldon: You see a dragon.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: You see a dragon.,"Howard: Really? So we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn’t that a little on the nose?","Sheldon: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Howard: Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.",Raj: That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.",Raj: I don’t know if I want to play anymore.,"Sheldon: Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Leonard: Are we ready to order?,Sheldon: One moment. I’m conducting an experiment.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: One moment. I’m conducting an experiment.,Howard: With Dungeons and Dragons dice?,"Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.","Howard: So, what’s for dinner?",Sheldon: A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Howard: Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.","Penny: Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please.",Sheldon: Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.,Leonard: Do you really want that?,Sheldon: That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.,Raj: What’s it thinking about now?,Sheldon: Hamburgers and lemonade.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Howard: He’ll text you.,"Raj: Ah, look at that. I have a date. I love America again.","Sheldon: And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about!",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.,Howard: Why are you still doing this?,"Sheldon: Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.","Leonard: You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.",Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Leonard: Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?,"Penny: Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that.","Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.",Leonard: Could you tell us?,"Sheldon: Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.","Penny: Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.","Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.","Penny: What do you mean, vastly wealthy?","Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.","Leonard: Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much.","Sheldon: No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.","Penny: Well, so how much is that?",Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.,1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.","Howard: He’s not going to listen, he’s in love.","Sheldon: Can’t figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… (rolls dice) stay right here.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Raj: Mmm. Oh, cheesecake, you’re just as good as a woman, even though I can’t have sex with you.",Howard: Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.,"Sheldon: Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks.",1
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Howard: Thanks for dinner, buddy.","Leonard: Yeah, real big of you.","Sheldon: Hurry, hurry, hurry.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The comic book store.,Leonard: It’s from Game of Thrones. What do you think?,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?",Leonard: What did you have in mind?,"Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.",Leonard: It would be a replica of a movie prop.,Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.,"Leonard: Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?","Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?",Leonard: Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there.,"Sheldon: Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.","Leonard: Yeah. It’s okay, I guess.",Sheldon: Okay? It’s magnificent.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Leonard: Oh, that’s pretty steep.","Stuart: Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.","Sheldon: Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Hang on. Can you do any better?,Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.,"Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.",Leonard: Slow down. Two hundred.,Sheldon: What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Nope. Maybe another time.,"Stuart: Okay, two twenty five, my final offer.","Sheldon: Take it, take it.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Two hundred.,"Stuart: Man, you’re killing me!",Sheldon: Killing you? I can’t breathe.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Killing you? I can’t breathe.,"Stuart: Two ten, and I’m losing money.","Sheldon: Oh, now, we can’t let him lose money, Leonard. I’m so sorry.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.,Leonard: See that? I just saved us forty bucks.,"Sheldon: I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Wil Wheaton (entering): Hey, Stuart.","Stuart: Ah, hey, Wil.","Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.","Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.",Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?,Wil: No.,Sheldon: I’m not surprised.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Stuart: Forty bucks.,Wil: Good deal.,Sheldon: Sucker. Didn’t even ask for the friends and family discount.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Thank you.,"Wil: All right, great. Later.","Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.",Leonard: I was actually thinking about going.,"Sheldon: And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, can you grab me a water?",Sheldon: Possibly.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Possibly.,Leonard: Can you or can’t you?,"Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.","Leonard: It never is, is it?","Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.",Leonard: Got it. Can I have my water?,"Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.","Penny: Wait, what is going on?","Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Bernadette: Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!","Howard: It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.",Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.,Howard: Who’s Mohammed Lee?,"Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.",All: Cheers.,Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.,Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Simultaneously, a festival of cloying clichés. You sicken me.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Pretty cool about Howard, huh?","Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.","Leonard: For God’s sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff.","Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Amy: Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?","Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?","Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.",Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.,Amy: A floppy disk?,"Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?,"All: Oh! Oh, God!","Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Howard: Little bit.,"Leonard: I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.","Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.",Leonard: Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.",Leonard: I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!,Sheldon: Not yet.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.","Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Raj: Sure.,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.","Leonard: No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.",Sheldon: Brent Spiner?,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Brent Spiner?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: I don’t care.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: I don’t care.,"Leonard: Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him.","Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.","Leonard: I’m going. Live long and prosper, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Raj: Well, I just met her gynaecologist!",Leonard: What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.","Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.",Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.,Wil: This is for you.,Sheldon: An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.,1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Wil: I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.",Wil: Look at what I wrote.,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.",Wil: It’s my last one. I want you to have it.,"Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!","Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?","Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.","Brent: Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?","Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.",1
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.",Wil: Don’t worry. It doesn’t take up a whole lot of your time.,"Sheldon: Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: So what kind of cruise is this you’re going on?,"Mrs Cooper: It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness.","Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.","Mrs Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam!","Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.",Mrs Cooper: Sounds delicious.,"Sheldon: Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.","Leonard: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook.",Sheldon: Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.,"Mrs Cooper: Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out for a bite, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me?,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.","Mrs Cooper: I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new.",Sheldon: There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.","Mrs Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he’s fine.",Sheldon: Told you.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Scene: A sushi bar.,All: Irasshaimase!,Sheldon: Stop yelling! I’m not happy about this.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Stop yelling! I’m not happy about this.,Leonard: What’s the last thing you were ever happy about?,Sheldon: The prospect of fried chicken.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that, too.","Mrs Cooper: So, Shelly, what’s up with you and your friend Amy, if you don’t mind a mother prying a bit?","Sheldon: Well, there’s actually big news on the Amy front. She’s been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals. She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, that’s a funny turn, isn’t it? You never think about it going the other way. Well, you can’t force things. You need to figure out if you’re in a relationship or if you’re just calling it one. It’s like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that don’t make ’em biscuits.","Sheldon: And that reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’tmake your mother fry it.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?","Mrs Cooper: It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked and if it was beef. Sheldon, when is your landlord going to fix the elevator?",Sheldon: I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.,Leonard: Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank.,Sheldon: Get them before they get us.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?","Raj: I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends. Three, sadly, are dead.","Sheldon: Mom, you remember Rajesh? Rajesh, my mother.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Mrs Cooper: That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.,Raj: I’m so lonely.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.","Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’?",Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.,"Mrs Cooper: And when they’re drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?",Sheldon: Coffee.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.","Raj: I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better.","Sheldon: I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?",Leonard: You want some Oreos?,Sheldon: Double Stuf?,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Double Stuf?,"Leonard: No, regular.",Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he’s down.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he’s down.,Scene: The laundry room.,"Sheldon: I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.",Mrs Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you’re on vacation is laundry.,"Sheldon: Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.","Mrs Cooper: Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing.","Sheldon: It is nice, isn’t it?",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, hello, darlin’.","Penny: Sheldon, you didn’t tell me your mom was coming.","Sheldon: It was in my weekly e-mail blast. Right between beet season is finally here, and uh-oh, red stool from beets leads to cancer scare.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)","Penny: Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.","Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Penny: Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?","Mrs Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all. And don’t beat yourself up. When I was your age, you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.",Sheldon: Now that will not be in this week’s e-mail blast.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Mrs Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.,"Howard: Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still.","Sheldon: I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.","Mrs Cooper: I don’t know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sightseeing.",Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.",Howard: What do you say?,"Sheldon: What do I say? I say you people need to stop ruining my mom’s visit with your sushi, and your sadness and your slutty shirts. Stop it.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: Everything? Aren’t you worried about your health?,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly.","Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.",Mrs Cooper: Apology accepted.,"Sheldon: Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.",Mrs Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.,Sheldon: But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us.","Sheldon: I’m not going, and you can’t make me.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’m not going, and you can’t make me.","Mrs Cooper: You’re right, I can’t. Have a nice day.","Sheldon: Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Well, then you are going to stand there all day.",Leonard: I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there.,Sheldon: I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.,"Mrs Cooper: I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.","Sheldon: We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Well, I guess we are.",Leonard: Sorry. Syrup.,"Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand)",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: I hadn’t…,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes),1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes),Amy: Are you getting sick?,"Sheldon: No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.","Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority?","Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.",Amy: Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology.,"Sheldon: Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.","Amy: Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else.",Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?,"Amy: Actually, some research indicates that by not over-thinking, the less intelligent handle emotions better. (He sneezes again) Sure you’re not coming down with a cold?","Sheldon: Oh, yes, the common cold. Just like everyone else. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Howard: No, you only get one wish.",Scene: A park bench. Sheldon is sitting. A stranger sits next to him.,"Sheldon: Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist. The kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. You, the common man, tired from your labours as a stockbroker, or vacuum cleaner salesman, or bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we’re just two peas in a pod. A regular pea, and the kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. Rain. Another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike. (The stranger puts up an umbrella) Smarty-pants.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon (entering, soaked): I need a tissue.This one got wet.",Leonard: Here.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)","Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, are you sick?","Sheldon: I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Okay.,Mrs Cooper: Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby.,"Sheldon: And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.",Mrs Cooper: Of course.,Sheldon: Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?,Mrs Cooper: You can have whatever you want.,"Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.You’re the best.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Mrs Cooper: Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest.","Sheldon: I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.",Mrs Cooper: And whose fault was that?,Sheldon: Yours.,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Yours.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship.","Sheldon: No, we don’t. The one we have works great.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: No, we don’t. The one we have works great.","Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, you are a grown man.","Sheldon: Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston.",Sheldon: Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty?,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…","Leonard (at door): Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?",Sheldon: Get out!,1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Get out!,"Mrs Cooper: Well, that was rude.","Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.",1
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.","Mrs Cooper: Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…","Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.","Ghostly voice: Sheldon, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.",Ghostly voice: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.",Raj: You should’ve seen your face.,"Sheldon: Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.","Howard: Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask)",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Raj: He’s probably right.,Howard: We can’t beat him. He’s just too smart.,Sheldon: Gentlemen. (Turns and sees Leonard. Screams and faints).,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Scene: The comic book store.,"Leonard: Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!",Sheldon: Droll.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Howard:Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.,Leonard: That was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia.,"Sheldon: Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you’ve poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you’ve forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I’m Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Stuart: Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.",Scene: Entering the apartment building.,Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail.,Leonard: How many times are you gonna tell me? What’s with you?,Sheldon: Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Leonard: More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?,Penny: Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.,"Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.","Leonard: Will you relax? I’ll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work?",Sheldon: Open the mail!,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon (creeps into office carrying a box): Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj’s top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell.","Raj (entering): Good morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.",Raj: You have a thing of paper clips right there.,"Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?",Raj: I don’t know. Maybe.,Sheldon: Be a lamb and check.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Be a lamb and check.,Raj: All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here?,Sheldon: It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.,"Raj: Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer?",Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.,Raj: Let’s go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice.,"Sheldon: I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You’re better than this.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Leonard: Go ask Penny; she’ll know what to do.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is adjusting a device on his arm.,"Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.",Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Science. You wouldn’t understand.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Science. You wouldn’t understand.,"Leonard: Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.)",Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment.,"Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind.",Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?,Leonard: No. I’m having a moral crisis.,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.","Leonard: Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India.","Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.","Leonard: Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.","Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.",Leonard: That actually does help.,Sheldon: It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.,"Leonard: Screw it, I’m going.","Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?",Leonard: Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now.,Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Great. Tropicana, no pulp.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Howard: Hey, Sheldon.",Bernadette (off): Who is it?,"Sheldon: It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.","Howard: That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette.",Sheldon: Really? That’s very unsettling.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Really? That’s very unsettling.,"Bernadette: Hi, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hi.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Hi.,Howard: What’s up?,"Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.","Howard: Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then?","Sheldon: Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun!",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Howard: Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses),"Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do?",Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.,Bernadette: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!,"Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?","Bernadette: This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart.",Sheldon: We are?,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: We are?,"Bernadette: You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot.","Sheldon: Oh, no! I can’t!",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, no! I can’t!",Bernadette: Hurry! We’re running out of time!,Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Okay.,Bernadette: Just do it!,"Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three!",1
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three!","Howard: Trick or treat, bubbeleh.","Sheldon: What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself).",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.","Amy: Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.","Sheldon: Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?","Howard: What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us?",Sheldon: I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Penny: Okay, that time you looked at me.",Amy: Who didn’t? Your skin is like alabaster. Do you even have pores?,"Sheldon: Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Penny: Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving.",Amy: Wait for moi.,Sheldon: You’re leaving?,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: You’re leaving?,"Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I’m a lady. And with that comes an oestrogen fuelled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.","Sheldon: Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: Hey, Amy, what brings you to our neck of the woods?",Amy: Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.,Sheldon: She popped by to borrow a cup of mad cow disease.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Amy: The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.","Howard: Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject?",Sheldon: Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.,"Leonard: This time, it’s your fault.","Sheldon: I have 100 alphabetized topics from artichoke, come on, people, it’s just a giant thistle, to zzz, the onamona-poetry of sleep.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is horseracing on a Kinnect game.,"Leonard: Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: What?,"Leonard: Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air.","Sheldon: Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.",Leonard: Did you try calling her on the telephone?,"Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.","Leonard: If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right.","Sheldon: Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.",Leonard: I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat.,Sheldon: Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?,Leonard: You do?,"Sheldon: Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.",Leonard: Forget about the bobcat.,Sheldon: How can I? You won’t stop talking about it.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: Uh, she’s your friend. Step up.","Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye.",Sheldon: Where are you going?,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: I’m single, I don’t need this crap.","Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?",Sheldon: You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.,Amy: I wanted to be alone.,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.,"Amy: Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me.","Sheldon: Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?",Amy: It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.,"Sheldon: If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.",Amy: Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.,Sheldon: And that made you feel sad?,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: And that made you feel sad?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.","Amy: It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.","Sheldon: When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind.",Sheldon: Always.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Always.,"Amy: At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.","Sheldon: Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.",Amy: Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.,"Sheldon: Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.","Amy: How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.","Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.",Amy: We cuddle. Final offer.,"Sheldon: Very well. Oh, boy. (They cuddle, awkwardly.)",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?,Raj: This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here.,Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.",Howard: What do you want us to do about it?,"Sheldon: You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!",Leonard: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She’s not my girlfriend.,"Sheldon: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Bernadette: Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin). ","Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is building his Lego Death Star. Phone rings.","Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.",Leonard: What’s going on?,Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.,1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.,Leonard: Really? Amy?,"Sheldon: Leonard, be glad you can’t keep a woman. They are a handful.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Amy: Hey, Cuddles.",Leonard: Cuddles?,"Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.",1
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Amy: Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?","Leonard: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?","Sheldon: I’m begging both of you, please, let’s go.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Penny: What is that about?,"Leonard: Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.)","Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone!",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone!",Leonard: What the hell is going on?,"Sheldon: There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.","Penny: Really? On top of everything else, you’re afraid of birds?","Sheldon: It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Leonard: Movies, yes.","Penny: Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.",Sheldon: That doesn’t help.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: That doesn’t help.,"Penny: No, I was talking to the bird.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.","Leonard: Sheldon, just ignore him.","Sheldon: Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Scene: The apartment.Sheldon is trying to scare the bird away making cat noises.,Leonard: The bird’s still there?,"Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?",Leonard: I don’t know. Scree-scree.,"Sheldon: Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.",Leonard: Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed?,"Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.",Leonard: I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date.,Sheldon: Do you think it’s a date?,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Do you think it’s a date?,"Leonard: No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t.",Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.,Leonard: Are we overthinking this?,Sheldon: Not at all.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Not at all.,Leonard: You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this.,"Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?",Leonard (returning in a tee shirt and backwards cap): Too casual?,"Sheldon: For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers!",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.",Howard: I’m pushing play.,Sheldon: A minute.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: A minute.,"Howard: If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.",Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.,Howard: I have a Masters degree from M.I.T.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.",Raj: I really don’t get your problem with birds.,"Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.",Raj: Hummingbirds are pretty.,Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.,"Raj: Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth.","Sheldon: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on?",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Raj: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.","Howard: All right, Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.","Sheldon: It’s not a death ray. It’s just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn’t move.)",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Kevin: That depends. How much time do you spend on Yelp?,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I’m a grown man from Texas. This isn’t a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It’s just a blue jay. (Opens window) That’s a pretty big blue jay. (Closes window. Goes to cabinet. Comes out wearing a Boba Fett helmet and a broom) One, two, three. (Opens window) Go! Shoo! Am-scray, ird-bay! (Bird flies in window) Bird in the apartment! Bird in the apartment! (Sees the bird sitting in his place) No!",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?","Sheldon: You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Bernadette: I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.","Amy: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing.","Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.","Bernadette: Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.","Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!","Bernadette: Oh, he’s a sweetie.","Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.","Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.",Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.,1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.,"Bernadette: Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!","Sheldon: I did it! I actually did it. Okay, now flush him.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Leonard: Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the bird on his arm.,"Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.","Bernadette: Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.","Sheldon: My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.,Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.,"Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.","Amy: If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.","Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.","Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon.","Sheldon: How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!",1
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Penny: Good night, Leonard.",Leonard: I am such an asthmatic dumbass. I had a weird night.,Sheldon: Mine was great. I’m going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.),1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.","Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.","Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?","Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.","Sheldon: Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward.","Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.","Leonard: Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy.","Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?",Leonard: No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.,"Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.",Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.,"Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.","Leonard: All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.","Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.",Leonard: I am not washed-up.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Penny: Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.",Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?,Speccy Guy Behind Counter (sniggering): Out.,Sheldon: Who are you?,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Leonard: Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?",Dale: I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl.,"Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.",Leonard: You okay?,"Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock.,Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Comanches.,"Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.","Howard: We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous.","Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Howard: Very.,Raj: Incredibly so.,Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Howard: Very.,Raj: Incredibly so.,"Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s just play.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.,Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?,"Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Raj: Annie Ogly.,Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.,"Sheldon: And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Raj: Yeah, it’s also a wand.","Leonard: With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this?","Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Leonard: You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?,Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.,Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.,Raj: Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.,"Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?",Raj: You’re so full of it.,Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.","Leonard: Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?",Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.,"Howard: Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.",Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.,Leonard: That’s all of us. Can I use the laptop?,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Sheldon knocks three times.,Penny (off): Who do we love?,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",Penny (off): Who do we love?,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",Penny (off): Who do we love?,Sheldon: Penny.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Penny.,"Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Thank you.,Penny: What’s up?,Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.,"Penny: I’m sorry, what?","Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.","Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?",Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.,"Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.","Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?","Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?",Sheldon: I believe I do.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I believe I do.,Penny: Mm.,Sheldon: I’m the guy.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I’m the guy.,Penny: You’re not the guy.,"Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.",Penny: I call everyone sweetie.,Sheldon: You tramp.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: You tramp.,"Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.","Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Amy: No, I’m having a nice time.",Stuart: Don’t patronize me.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.","Stuart: Hi, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.,"Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Amy: I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.","Stuart: Um, again…","Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.",Amy: Anything else?,Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.,Amy: I’m listening.,"Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.",Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.,Sheldon: You’re being impossible.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: You’re being impossible.,"Amy: Hi, Stuart.","Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon (inside): Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.",Amy: How did you get into my apartment?,Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.,Amy: What’s that?,"Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.",Amy: It’s so romantic.,Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.,"Amy: Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive.",Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Amy: Bernadette, left foot yellow.",Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!,Sheldon: I got a splinter.,1
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I got a splinter.,Amy: What do you want me to do about it?,"Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s “Penny already eats our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi.” No spaces.","Penny: Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?",Sheldon: I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: You want to hear something weird?,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.,"Leonard: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.",Sheldon: Oh. I thought it was a game.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Penny: What’s yours?,"Leonard: There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks.","Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.",Penny: Basketball Pope.,Sheldon: And that’s how it’s done.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Penny: What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?,Leonard: I don’t know.,Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?,"Leonard: No, that was a different guy.","Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?","Leonard: No, that was a different, different guy.",Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Penny: All right, well, what do you think he wants?",Leonard: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: It’s two a.m. What are you doing up?,Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.,Leonard: Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.,"Sheldon: Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.",Leonard: Thanks.,"Sheldon: So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?",Leonard: I didn’t have clams.,Sheldon: I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.,"Leonard: It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.","Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?","Leonard: You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I’m gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have sex with my mother, and yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself.”","Sheldon: Oh, now Perlmutter’s shaking the King’s hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.","Jimmy: Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you’re a big-time scientist now.",Sheldon: And there’s the first zinger. Ouch.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: The Newcomb medal.,"Jimmy: Yeah, congratulations.","Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.","Jimmy: From what I read, it sounded like a big deal.","Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?","Raj: Hey, I won a Newcomb medal, too.",Sheldon: My point.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.","Jimmy: Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.","Sheldon: Technically, Howard’s the gear head. Leonard’s just a dime store laser jockey.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: I don’t think something like that’s even possible.,"Jimmy: Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known.","Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.","Leonard: Sheldon, I got this.","Sheldon: You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy: I don’t understand.,Leonard: I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.,Sheldon: A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Raj: That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.,Jimmy: What is that?,Sheldon: This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy: What’s this word?,Leonard: Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years.,Sheldon: You really need to work on your penmanship.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Jimmy: Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.",Leonard: It wasn’t fun for me.,"Sheldon: You’re being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Come on, guys.","Raj: That was pretty badass, dude.",Sheldon: I help the weak. It’s yet another way I’m exactly like Batman.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Here’s your cocoa.,"Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?",Leonard: You got one for good luck. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.,Sheldon: One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy: I wouldn’t be imposing?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Yes.,"Leonard: Sheldon, we can’t let him drive.",Sheldon: Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.,"Jimmy: Not really, no. It’s funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we’re reversed. You’re the winner.",Sheldon: You’d think a winner could make a decent cup of cocoa.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Howard: How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.",Leonard: Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.,Sheldon: You know what would be nice?,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: You know what would be nice?,Raj: What’s that?,"Sheldon: As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who’ve tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he’s asleep we kill him. I said it would be nice, I didn’t say we should do it.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Amy: I don’t think Mother Teresa… Oh, that is adorable.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Leonard.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Leonard.,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.",Leonard: What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off.,Sheldon: You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy (belching): When did I have tacos?,"Leonard: Morning, Jimmy.","Sheldon: Oh, there it is, tacos.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: That’s my French toast.,"Jimmy: It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy.","Sheldon: I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.",Leonard: I might kill him right now.,"Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Jimmy: Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.","Leonard: No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now.","Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.",Jimmy: Or what?,Sheldon: Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience.,1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.",Scene: Running down the stairwell.,"Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.",1
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.","Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?","Sheldon: I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: Little snarky there, cello lessons. And we have this completely ordinary cylinder. If you’d like to examine it?","Raj: Ordinary, yet I sense it is dripping with magical potential.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)","Raj: I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.",Sheldon: This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?,Howard: How is this lying?,Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.,"Raj: Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?","Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Leonard: Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.",Howard: Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear!,"Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.",Howard: How is that not amusing?,Sheldon: It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out),1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Penny: Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy.","Sheldon: And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory?",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Amy: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.",Penny: That is so hot.,"Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?",Amy: How was your day?,"Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.",Amy: Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron.,"Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.","Amy: That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time.","Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field.","Sheldon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Penny: So, are we ready to order?",Amy: Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.","Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?","Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.","Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.","Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.","Penny: Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by.",Sheldon: What if they simply don’t excite me?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: What if they simply don’t excite me?,"Penny: Well, just smile and think about koalas.","Sheldon: She’d see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it’s this.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around.,Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.,Leonard: Some people go outside and do that.,"Sheldon: It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.",Leonard: You want to talk about it?,Sheldon: No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.,Leonard: You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.",Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight?,Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?,"Leonard: No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women.",Sheldon: I’ll say.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: I’ll say.,Leonard: That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.,Leonard: Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change.,Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got?,Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something.,Sheldon: How does that work?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: How does that work?,"Leonard: Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.","Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.",Leonard: Glad I could help.,"Sheldon: It’s appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I’ll be glad to return the favour.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: Well, yeah.",Scene: A jewellery store.,Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.,"Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.","Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch.","Penny: Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch.","Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.","Penny: Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets?","Sheldon: Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Assistant: Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?","Penny: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.",Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.,"Penny: Fine, go ahead.","Sheldon: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Penny: Ooh, are these real diamonds?","Assistant: Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight.","Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.","Assistant: Actually, that’s only 750. Everything’s on sale.",Sheldon: Really. Talk to me about that pocket watch.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: Huh, it’ll kill her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?,"Penny: Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.",Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?,"Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?","Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Amy: Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.","Penny: Sheldon, you’re up.","Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.",1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.",Amy: We both know that’s your koala face.,Sheldon: I told you.,1
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Penny: You look beautiful.,"Amy: Of course I do, I’m a princess, and this is my tiara!","Sheldon: You’re right, the tiara was too much.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Scene: The stairwell.,"Leonard: You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?",Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?,"Leonard: Okay, let’s talk about that.","Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.","Leonard: We all do. Now, how about dinner?","Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.",Leonard (seeing Penny’s door open and the girls inside): Excuse me.,"Sheldon: Permission granted, Commander.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Amy: Ooh!,Bernadette: Ooh!,"Sheldon: Oh, no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Bernadette: Sure, we’d love that. Change your clothes, we got a lot riding on this.",Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game.,"Sheldon: Mm. I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood? (Raj and Howard snigger) I don’t understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now, I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Leonard: I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.","Raj: I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement.",Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?,"Leonard: Oh, boy, do I?",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Howard: No.,"Sheldon: All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.",Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?,"Sheldon: It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.",Leonard: That doesn’t make it true.,"Sheldon: It’s called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Howard: Why?,Raj: Because she’s great in everything.,"Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn’t talk, what did you… never mind, stupid question.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: And now that I have some wood, I’m going to begin the erection of my settlement.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Leonard: You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.,Raj: I guess it didn’t go well.,Sheldon: We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.,Howard (as Leonard groans loudly in his room): How about now?,"Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.",Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. It’s right here in my hand.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Leonard: That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is sneaking back in.,Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Leonard?,"Leonard: Yeah, hi, hi. How’s it going?","Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?","Leonard: Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up?",Sheldon: I was using the bathroom.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: I was using the bathroom.,"Leonard: Yeah, well, so was I.",Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you in there.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you in there.,"Leonard: Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one.",Sheldon: Where?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Where?,"Leonard: The, the gas station across the street.",Sheldon: In your pyjamas?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: In your pyjamas?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Without shoes?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Without shoes?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: On a cold winter’s night?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: On a cold winter’s night?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?,"Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did.","Sheldon: Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.,Leonard: I don’t want beef jerky.,Sheldon: It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.,Leonard: Fine.,"Sheldon: Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.",Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Sheldon: Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space.,Howard: Why?,"Sheldon: We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Bernadette: I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.,"Amy: Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship.","Sheldon: You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.",Leonard: We are next to a Suburu with a Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker.,"Sheldon: Well, I doubt they’d want to talk about that, so we’re fine.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Leonard: I’m just making a point.,Penny: Is the point that you don’t know when to let something go?,"Sheldon: People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Penny: Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.","Leonard: Oh, that is not true.",Sheldon: I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Penny: You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.,Leonard: Well…,"Sheldon: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again, off-again relationship with her, because I am very, very hungry.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon’s voice: Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) ",Leonard: What? Yeah.,Sheldon: This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?,1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?,"Leonard: I don’t know, he was pretty badass on Heroes.","Sheldon: You’re right, I’ll give him a shot.",1
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Penny: Uh, have you thought this through?","Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.","Sheldon: No, can’t do it. Sorry, Quinto, you’re going back.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a video.,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.","Amy: Hang on, Dr. C. What’s vexillology?",Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.,Amy: Cool. I think I just learned something.,Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?,Amy: I’ll say.,"Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.",Amy: Sweet!,Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?,Amy: I’m surrendering to fun.,"Sheldon: Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…","Leonard: Excuse me, sorry, excuse me.",Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?,Leonard: Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here.,Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!,Amy: You okay?,"Sheldon: No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.","Amy: Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology?",Sheldon: Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?,Amy: It’s Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers.,"Sheldon: Confound it! You’re right, it’s brilliant. Let’s take it from the top.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Penny: Okay. Good night, Leonard.","Leonard: Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back.",Sheldon: Cut! Take 47.,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Cut! Take 47.,Scene: Sheldon and Raj’s office.,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about flags.,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about flags.,Raj: I will take that action.,"Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn’t discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Raj: Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.","Howard: Oh, yeah.","Sheldon: Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.","Sheldon: Careful, it’s that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year’s Who Con.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Leonard: Even Doctor Who?,Penny: Even Doctor Who.,"Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Who Con, you’re out.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Leonard: Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.",Amy: What’s baffling me is what you could’ve possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it?,Sheldon: How about constantly talks with food in her mouth?,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Raj: Thank you, darling.","Siri: You are most certainly welcome, sexy.","Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.",Raj: I’m sorry?,Sheldon: You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.,Raj: I haven’t bonded with it.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Raj: It’s just a phone.,Barry Kripke: Cooper.,Sheldon: Kripke.,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Leonard: So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.","Penny: Good night, you.","Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.",1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.",Amy: Und ich bin eine pretzel!,Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…,1
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…,Amy: Mit…,Sheldon: Flags.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon enters in a hard hat and high-vis jacket. Sounds a klaxon on his phone.,Leonard: Aaargh. What the hell?,Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.,"Leonard: Oh, no, come on!","Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.",Leonard: I have to get a lock for my door.,"Sheldon: I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.","Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.","Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?",Leonard: Fine.,"Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.","Leonard: Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.","Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?","Leonard: I don’t know, what am I doing?","Sheldon: Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!",Leonard: Aah!,Sheldon: And that’s why we wear hard hats.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: Uh-huh.,Raj: How’d you do?,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.","Leonard: You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?",Sheldon: You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.,"Leonard: Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist?","Sheldon: Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.",Raj: They put you under for a cleaning?,"Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.","Leonard: Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist.","Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”","Leonard: You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.","Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody.",Leonard: I don’t care. I’m done.,Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?,"Leonard: I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.","Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?",Leonard: Where do I sign?,Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger.,Leonard: There. Done.,"Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.",Leonard: I’m gonna go home and take a nap.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.",Raj: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.,"Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.",Leonard: ‘Sup?,"Sheldon: ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.",Amy: I saved you a dumpling.,"Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.","Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.","Sheldon: You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Bernadette: Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?","Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid.","Sheldon: Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?",Raj: Their meatballs are pretty good.,Sheldon: What’s that?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Raj: Nothing, nothing.",Scene: The comic book store.,"Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.","Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today?","Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.",Stuart: Ninth?,"Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?","Stuart: Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.","Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?",Stuart: Yeah.,Sheldon: And your father? Alive?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: And your father? Alive?,Stuart: Yes.,"Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive?",Stuart: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?","Stuart: I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist?","Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.","Stuart: Sheldon, I’m working. I can’t take you to the dentist. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t want to take you to the dentist.","Sheldon: Can’t help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Raj: They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.,"Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): ‘Sup?",Sheldon: ‘Sup?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: ‘Sup?,"Leonard: Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist?","Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.","Leonard: All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.",Sheldon: Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.,"Raj: Ooh, Sock Mouth’s got him on the ropes.","Sheldon: I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: Why is that good?,"Penny: Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.",Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.,Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?,"Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.","Leonard: It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon.",Sheldon: And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.,"Penny: You know, I got some candles in my apartment.","Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.","Leonard (pulling out a toy lightsabre): You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go.","Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.",Penny: I’ve got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.,"Sheldon: Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.,"Penny: Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now.","Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.",Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.,"Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.","Leonard: Fine, what is it?",Sheldon: I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.,"Leonard: S’mores, huh? Good for you.","Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.","Leonard: No, thanks. I’m good.","Sheldon: Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s’more by myself. And then I’m gonna have s’more. By myself.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: I thought you said candles were dangerous.,"Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.","Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.",Sheldon: What are you proposing?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: What are you proposing?,"Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.",Sheldon: And how would I do that?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: And how would I do that?,Leonard: You say thank you.,Sheldon: Every time?,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Every time?,Leonard: It’s not crazy.,"Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.",Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that.,"Sheldon: Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.","Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Can I sit in your spot?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Can I control the thermostat?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Do I get a card?,Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day.,1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Penny: Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.","Leonard: Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.",1
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.",Penny: Leonard’s Day?,"Sheldon: Oh, no pressure. Just get him a crummy card, you’re good.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.",Leonard: Five.,Sheldon: Uh-huh. And an irrational constant.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Uh-huh. And an irrational constant.,Howard: E.,Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.,Raj: Gamma.,Sheldon: I said funny.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I said funny.,Raj: Upsilon?,Sheldon: Good one. And an electrical charge.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Good one. And an electrical charge.,Leonard: Positive.,"Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)",Howard: I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.,"Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.",Leonard: It’s not funny. That mistake got published.,Sheldon: Stop! I’m going to wet myself!,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Seibert: Dr. Cooper?,Leonard: Told ya.,"Sheldon: Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.","Seibert: No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere.","Sheldon: You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.","Seibert: Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation.",Sheldon: I don’t need a vacation.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I don’t need a vacation.,"Seibert: You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you.","Sheldon: But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?","Seibert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon (appearing in the back seat): Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling!,Leonard: What the hell are you doing?,Sheldon: Bleeding from my ears.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Bleeding from my ears.,Leonard: What are you doing hiding back there?,"Sheldon: I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.",Leonard: Lobster traps?,Sheldon: Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.,Leonard: What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.,"Sheldon: Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)","Leonard: Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there.",Sheldon: And no more singing.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: And no more singing.,Leonard: Fine.,Sheldon: I have GPS on my phone. I know you turned around.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?","Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.","Howard: How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.",Sheldon: My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Howard: I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.,Raj: Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?,"Sheldon: It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Howard: I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.,"Leonard: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.","Sheldon: One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.",Howard: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.,"Sheldon: Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.",Howard: Isn’t that just Feynman’s idea?,"Sheldon: Ten seconds ago, you never heard of him. Now you’re an expert.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Leonard: Good luck catching a man with that attitude.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,"Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.",Amy: I’m excited to work with my boyfriend. It’s gonna be romantic.,Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.","Sheldon: Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!","Amy: Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.","Sheldon: Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?","Amy: No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.","Sheldon: What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.","Amy: Sheldon, you’ve never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.",Sheldon: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it’s still alive. Let’s do this.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Raj: Mr. Roper’s dead? You can’t just spring that on a guy.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,Sheldon: Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.,Amy: Soap spots. Wash ’em again.,Sheldon: Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.,"Amy: Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.",Sheldon: Biologists are mean.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Later.,"Amy: All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.",Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.,Amy: I’m sure it was.,Sheldon: I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.,"Amy: Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.",Sheldon: You know what this place needs? A suggestion box.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: You know what this place needs? A suggestion box.,Later.,Sheldon: 366… 367…,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: 366… 367…,Amy: How’s it going?,"Sheldon: How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.",Amy: Great.,"Sheldon: Aw, nuts! One…",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Aw, nuts! One…",Later.,"Sheldon: This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.",Amy: Really? Is that what you think?,"Sheldon: Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.","Amy: Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.,"Amy: Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right.",Sheldon: Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.,Amy: Maybe the math was too bubbly for him.,"Sheldon: You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.","Amy: Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.",Sheldon: All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.,"Amy: You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you.","Sheldon: It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.","Amy: Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?",Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?,Amy: No. But your thumb does.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. (Faints)",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Scene: The bar at the Cheesecake Factory.,Howard: What are you doing here?,Sheldon: I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.,Howard: What happened to your thumb?,"Sheldon: You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.",Barman: What can I get you?,"Sheldon: Ah, seeing as I’m on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don’t let me have too many of those.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Howard: Oh, yeah, sure.",Penny: You and Amy? Good?,"Sheldon: Oh, better than good.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Howard: I’m not signing a pre-nup.,"Penny: All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.","Sheldon: Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)",Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",Amy: What do you want?,"Sheldon: I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.",1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.",Amy: Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?,Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.,Amy: That’s not an apology.,Sheldon: That is your opinion.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: That is your opinion.,Amy: I want a real apology.,Sheldon: I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…,Amy: No.,Sheldon: That my genius…,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: That my genius…,Amy: No.,Sheldon: That the soap was…,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: That the soap was…,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Fine. Sorry.,1
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Fine. Sorry.,"Amy: You’re forgiven. Now, if you want to stay, get started on those beakers. They’re still dirty from yesterday.",Sheldon: Next year I’m going to Epcot.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.,Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon’s got.,Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Raj: Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.",Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Mm, indeed.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Mm, indeed.",Howard: So sad.,Sheldon: Dibs.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Dibs.,"Kripke: What’s up, fewwas?","Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?","Kripke: Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes.",Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.,"Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.","Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.",Leonard: You just called dibs.,Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Penny: Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow.",Scene: A bathroom at the university.,Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?,Siebert: Can’t this wait?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. We just need a word.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Kripke: Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?,Siebert: Can’t you take this up with your department chairman?,Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.,"Siebert: Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.","Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.","Kripke: Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.","Sheldon: Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Siebert: Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.","Kripke: Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak.",Sheldon: Kripke?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Kripke?,Kripke: Yes?,Sheldon: You’re in my spot.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon (knock on door): Oh, that’ll be Kripke.",Leonard: What’s he doing here?,"Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.",Kripke: Cooper.,Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?,"Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.",Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…,Kripke: We’re not fwiends.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.","Kripke: How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon?",Sheldon: You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?,Kripke: What the fwig is that?,Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,All: Hail.,Kripke: How does it work?,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",Kripke: I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that?,"Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",Kripke: Almost got it. One more time.,"Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…","Howard: Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you.","Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Howard: It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.,"Leonard: H-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a shot are you?","Sheldon: Not pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Scene: A basketball court.,"Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Five what?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke.,Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head.,"Sheldon: Hey! He did that on purpose,",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Kripke: Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.","Leonard: No. No, I’m not.","Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Later.,"Leonard: All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.",Sheldon: What do you propose?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Leonard: Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.","Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper.","Sheldon: I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Howard: Sheldon was higher.,"Leonard: Congratulations, Sheldon. You win office.",Sheldon: Who’s unsatisfactory in P.E. now?,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Amy: I’m just glad I didn’t go for the sculpture.,Scene: Rothman’s office.,"Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.","Raj: I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.","Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.",Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.),1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.),Rothman: Oh. Hello.,Sheldon: Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely blowing air vent.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.,Howard: Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat?,"Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.",Leonard: Why is there a hole here?,"Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.","Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.",Sheldon: Is it? Listen.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Is it? Listen.,"Raj: What, you don’t like wind chimes?","Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.",Howard: The bird?,"Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.",Raj: So?,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?",Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.,"Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!","Leonard: Sheldon, relax.",Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.,"Leonard: If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?","Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!",1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Amy: Sure.,Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall.,Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!,Leonard: What happened?,Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.,1
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.,Leonard: Why would you do that?,Sheldon: It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: A barber’s shop.,Leonard: I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done.,"Sheldon: Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.","Barber: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.,"Barber: I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick.","Sheldon: Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?",Barber: I can cut it for you.,Sheldon: You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?,"Leonard: Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber.","Sheldon: He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.",Leonard: There’s no such thing as haircut records.,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.",Leonard: Have you ever seen them?,"Sheldon: No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?",Barber: Your what?,"Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.","Sheldon: Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)",Barber: So my kid said the funniest thing today.,Sheldon: Nope. (Runs out),1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?,Leonard: Sure. What are you doing?,Sheldon: I’m trying to get the hair out of my eyes.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: I’m trying to get the hair out of my eyes.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.",Sheldon: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Howard: You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.","Leonard: So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that?","Sheldon: I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.","Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you.","Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…","Leonard: Sheldon, be nice.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, it’s the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing her harp.,"Amy: I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, dead or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.","Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.",Amy: What about Supercuts?,Sheldon: I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.,"Amy: Well, this isn’t a crisis. Why don’t you just let your hair grow out a little?","Sheldon: Why don’t I let my hair grow out? Um, why don’t I start wearing Birkenstocks and, uh, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking can you dig it?",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Howard: I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.",Scene: A hospital ward.,"Sheldon: Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.",Nurse: Can I help you?,Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?,"Nurse: Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?","Sheldon: Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.",Nurse: I-I see. J-Jus-Just wait here one moment. Security!,"Sheldon: I got to run. But not with scissors, that would be unsafe.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Penny: So did I win or not?,"Leonard: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Leonard: Hey.,"Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move.","Sheldon: Eh, why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Leonard: I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.","Penny: Uh, sweetie, are you all right?","Sheldon: No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.","Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.","Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.","Leonard: Oh, uh, he’s crazy.","Sheldon: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Leonard: Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.,"Penny: You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen.","Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.",Leonard: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.,Sheldon: You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.,Leonard: Great. What are you going to do first?,Sheldon: I don’t know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. I got it. I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard wakes to the sound of bongos.,Leonard (going to living room): Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning.",Sheldon: Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.,Leonard: I was sleeping.,Sheldon: Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.,"Leonard: No, he doesn’t.",Sheldon: Leonard no sleep while I play bongos. Bongo solo.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Leonard: Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos.",Penny: Why did you get bongos?,Sheldon: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Leonard: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.,"Penny: Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.",Sheldon: Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.,"Leonard: Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning.","Sheldon: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.","Leonard: W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.",Sheldon: Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.,Penny: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten. I play bongos walking down the stairs. (Sound of falling) Oh! Oh! Never play bongos walking down the stairs.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Amy: That was kind of uncalled for.,"Leonard: No, it was called for.",Sheldon: What’s going on?,1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: What’s going on?,"Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.","Sheldon: Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Leonard: I’m sorry, duh, what?","Penny: It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair.","Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?",Amy: There’s not a hair on my body I wouldn’t let this woman trim.,"Sheldon: Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Amy: There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?,Leonard: What’s this about Sheldon seeing you naked?,"Sheldon: Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is cutting Sheldon’s hair.,Penny: Almost done.,"Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.","Penny: Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes.","Sheldon: That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.","Penny: Okay, what do you think?","Sheldon: Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.",1
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.","Penny: Ha, told you. Okay, I’m just gonna clean up your neck a little and then you are good to go.","Sheldon: Fun time. Hah. Sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon",Raj: Woo-hoo!,Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!,Leonard: We are going to play the online game.,Sheldon: The online game? Bully!,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: The online game? Bully!,"Amy: Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party.",Sheldon: Just tell her I can’t come.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Just tell her I can’t come.,Amy: She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up.,Sheldon: She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.,"Amy: No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none.","Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.",Amy: You use it to get your way.,Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Amy: You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.,"Leonard: We’ll miss you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.","Howard: Yeah, but it’s got lightsabres.","Sheldon: Yeah, please, Amy! It’s got lightsabres!",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Credits sequence.,Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Hello Stuart.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Hello Stuart.,Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?,"Sheldon: Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?","Stuart: Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.",Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?,Stuart: No.,Sheldon: Then no. What else?,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Then no. What else?,"Stuart: Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.","Sheldon: Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.","Stuart: I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.",Leonard: I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.",Leonard: That’s what your father used to say?,"Sheldon: Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Howard: Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.",Raj: I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.","Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)",Sheldon: You’re right. I’m smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Penny: Choo got a problem with that, papi?",Leonard: Uh-uh.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!","Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.","Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.",Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.,"Sheldon: Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.",Penny: Not a chance.,"Sheldon: All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Leonard: Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.","Penny: All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship.","Sheldon: Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?",Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.,Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?,Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.,"Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.",Penny: What’s that?,Sheldon: I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Scene: Amy’s car.,Amy: Good morning.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Hello.,"Amy: I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: All right.,Amy: You sure you’re okay with this?,Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.,Amy: Thank you. That means a lot to me.,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.","Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude?","Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.","Amy: You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don’t mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I’ve already told everybody I’ll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.","Sheldon: Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn’t mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal’s candle blow is clean and dry.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Leonard: You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.,"Raj: Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.","Leonard: Well, we’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we’re the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.",Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Raj: What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.","Howard: I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now.",Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?,"Leonard: Uh, it is, but I think you might’ve waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it’s still funny.","Sheldon: Oh, good. Hah-hah!",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Scene: The apartment.,Bernadette: Get that guy! Get that guy! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!,"Sheldon: Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn’t as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn’t make the land speeder go.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Bernadette: Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.","Howard: Fine, I’ll change. (Whip sound) ",Sheldon: Hah-hah!,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Raj: Bernadette, remember, your character’s the healer in our group. You’re in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.",Bernadette: I can’t help it. My Howie Wowie has an owie.,Sheldon: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Penny: Ooh, burn!","Amy: And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.",Sheldon: Armin who?,1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Amy: Before; now it’s you.,Penny: Oh.,"Sheldon: I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.",1
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Penny: Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…","Amy: Ooh, Science Center. Redeeming. Let’s go.","Sheldon: Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken.","Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, the best things in life are free.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, the best things in life are free.","Penny: Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Raj: I’ll let you know.,"Howard: Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine.","Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.","Leonard: Mmm, you liked Professor Guyster’s wedding.","Sheldon: They had a make your own sundae bar. Ooh, that was a night to remember. Do you know, on the one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Howard: Come on, who is it?",Raj: I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it.,"Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?","Howard: No, uh, I don’t think so.","Sheldon: Well you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make your own sundae bars end in happiness.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Dr Koothrappali: And it’s been wonderful.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.,"Leonard: Yeah, I’m glad.",Sheldon: It’s like looking at the universe naked. (Shivers) ,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: Sure, what’s up?","Penny: Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food.","Sheldon: Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.","Leonard: I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Prove it.,"Sheldon: Knock, knock.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Knock, knock.",Leonard: Who’s there?,Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.,Leonard: Interrupting physi…,Sheldon: MUON!,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: MUON!,"Penny: Anyway, I got a little residual cheque from my commercial and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thankyou to pay them back. So, Sheldon, ta-da!","Sheldon: Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn!",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Leonard: You went to the comic-book store by yourself?,"Penny: Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.",Sheldon: Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.,"Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?",Sheldon: Not this time. Then they wouldn’t be special. Thanks Penny.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Penny: Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!",Leonard: Awesome!,"Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Penny: Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.",Leonard: Ah!,Sheldon: Oh dear Lord. No!,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Oh dear Lord. No!,"Penny: Why, they’re just toys?",Sheldon: They’re mint in box.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Scene: The apartment.,Voice of Spock: Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper?,Sheldon: Is someone there?,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Is someone there?,"Spock: Down here, on your desk.",Sheldon: Spock?,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Spock?,Spock: I need to speak with you.,Sheldon: Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.,"Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.",Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut.,"Spock: I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy.",Sheldon: But it’s mint in box.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: But it’s mint in box.,"Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half.","Sheldon: Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.",Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?,Sheldon: To be played with.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: To be played with.,Spock: Therefore? To not play with it would be?,"Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.","Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.","Sheldon: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right? (Wakes up in bed) Goody, goody, goody. This is wrong. This is wrong. I’m so excited, but this is wrong. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I did it. Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like. One to beam down Mr Scott. Aye, aye, Mr Spock. Energise. (Spins toy). Energise. (Tries to spin toy. It sticks. Tries to get Spock out and toy falls apart.) Don’t be broken. Please don’t be broken. (To Spock toy) What did you make me do? Okay, okay, think. (Sees Leonard’s toy) It’s only logical.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Raj: Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.","Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon writhes in bed, then wakes up on an alien planet. ",Sheldon: Oh dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Oh dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.,"Spock: Hello again, Sheldon.","Sheldon: What is it now, tiny Spock?",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: What is it now, tiny Spock?",Spock: I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself.,Sheldon: You’re the one who told me to play with it.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: You’re the one who told me to play with it.,"Spock: If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?","Sheldon: No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.","Spock: Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.",Spock: Well I am unhappy.,Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.,Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing.,"Sheldon: You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.","Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right. You broke it.","Sheldon: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energise. (Throws Spock away. Get’s attacked by a Gorn. Wakes up.) Ah. Tiny Spock. Help.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Raj: Do you hear how homophobic you sound?,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is working on his laptop. Spock is looking at him judgementally. He switches the two toys.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want a broken toy. (Switches them back again. Penny and Leonard enter.) Nothing!",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want a broken toy. (Switches them back again. Penny and Leonard enter.) Nothing!",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Nothing. I said nothing.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.",Penny: I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box.,"Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.",Penny: What is your problem?,"Sheldon: My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Mmmmm!,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Leonard: It’s broken.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, nice job, man-hands.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, nice job, man-hands.","Penny: I didn’t break it. I, I guess Stuart sold it to me like this.","Sheldon: Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Penny: You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.",Leonard: Absolutely.,"Sheldon: Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.",Leonard: Why would you open mine?,Sheldon: I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.,"Leonard: Well, you should talk to Stuart.",Sheldon: I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.,Penny: What is the truth?,Sheldon: My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: Okay, that I believe.",Penny: Mmm.,"Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.","Leonard: So, is that one mine.",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Yes.,"Leonard: Well, hand it over so I can open it.","Sheldon: Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.",1
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.","Leonard: And that’s a lie, right?",Sheldon: Big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Howard: Hm, it’s no big deal.","Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.","Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?",Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?,"Sheldon: Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Leonard: Really?,"Raj: That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math.","Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.","Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.","Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, and don’t stop working on it.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Credits sequence.,Scene: A corridor.,"Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.","Howard: I told you, no.",Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry.,"Howard: No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry?",Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?,"Howard: Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?","Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?",Howard: Jews don’t have heaven.,Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?,Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.,"Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.","Howard: Oh, you can’t be serious.",Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.,Howard: Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?,"Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.",Howard: Get out of my lab.,"Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?",Howard: Get out.,Sheldon: How about dolphins?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Leonard: So, come on, how was the first day with Hawking?",Howard: It was great. We talked about movies.,Sheldon: Oh!,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Oh!,Howard: I showed him some card tricks.,Sheldon: Oh!,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Oh!,Howard: He even let me read a couple pages from his new book.,Sheldon: Oh!,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Oh!,"Howard: Something got you down there, bunky?","Sheldon: Howard, please, I’m begging you.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Leonard: Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?","Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.","Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.",Howard: You’re kidding.,"Sheldon: No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.","Howard: You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111.",Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.,Howard: No!,"Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.","Howard: Let me try gansta, hells no.","Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.",Leonard: What if he doesn’t?,"Sheldon: He will, he’s really smart.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: He will, he’s really smart.",Howard: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?,Sheldon: How do I do that?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: How do I do that?,Howard: You walk away.,Sheldon: Walking away.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Howard: Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.","Raj: Well, don’t be too mean.","Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.",Raj: I wouldn’t mind a glass.,Sheldon: I wasn’t talking to you.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.,"Howard: Sheldon, come on back.","Sheldon: Yes, yes. What did you decide?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Yes, yes. What did you decide?",Howard: I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking.,"Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.","Howard: But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me.",Sheldon: What kinds of things?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: What kinds of things?,Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labours of Hercules?,Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Howard: You should be so lucky.,Scene: Howard’s bedroom.,Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?,"Howard: Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles.","Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.",Howard: That’s nice.,Sheldon: That’s a lot of belt buckles.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: That’s a lot of belt buckles.,"Howard: Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back.",Sheldon: You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,(Later),"Howard: Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny?","Sheldon: Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.",Howard: Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.,Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?,"Howard: Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay. Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time, but I was wrong and really wrong.",Sheldon: And you want me to return it for you?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Howard: No, no, no, mon petit cherie.",Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon enters in the French maid costume.,Sheldon: What are you all staring at? Didn’t you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Scene: The laundry room.,Penny: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?,Sheldon: This is not my laundry.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: This is not my laundry.,"Penny: Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her.",Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.,Penny: Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties?,"Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.","Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.",Sheldon: That’s close enough.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: That’s close enough.,"Penny: I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?","Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?",Penny: Well…,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…","Penny: I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.","Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.","Penny: Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.",Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.,"Penny: See, there it is, there’s that twinkle.","Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.","Penny: What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon?",Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.,"Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.",Sheldon: I knew it.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Scene: A shop changing rooms.,Mrs Wolowitz (off): Sheldon! I need your help!,"Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?","Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!",Sheldon: What do you want me to do?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon (off): Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.","Mrs Wolowitz (off): You’re right, who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Would you hold me?","Sheldon: Oh, no, you know, I’m not really the holding kind of… Oh!",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Raj: Wow, that’s amazing.","Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.","Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.",Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.,Sheldon: Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?,Howard: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.","Howard: All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Okay.,Howard: Give me a compliment.,Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.,"Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do.",Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.,"Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?","Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Leonard: It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.,"Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Now will you give my paper to Hawking?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Now will you give my paper to Hawking?,"Howard: Sorry, I can’t.","Sheldon: What, why not?",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: What, why not?",Howard: I gave it to him three days ago. He was really impressed. He wants to meet you.,"Sheldon: All right, then. Thank you, Howard. Please let Professor Hawking know that I’m available at his earliest convenience.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Leonard: Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom),Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.",Hawking: I know.,Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.,Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.,Sheldon: I know.,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: I know.,Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.,"Sheldon: Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.",Hawking: That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong.,Sheldon: What do you mean wrong?,1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: What do you mean wrong?,Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.,"Sheldon: No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.",1
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.",Hawking: Are you saying I do?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,,Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon laughs to himself.,"Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.","Raj: Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.",Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?,"Leonard: Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.","Sheldon: Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we?",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.","Leonard: Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.","Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.",Leonard: Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.,"Sheldon: All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Leonard: No, he didn’t.","Raj: Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.","Sheldon: Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.","Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.",Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: Well, it’s probably not for me.",Raj: Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.,"Sheldon: Boo, wine! But yay, trains. I’m in.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Scene: A restaurant.,"Leonard: Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.",Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.,Leonard: Are you drinking whisky?,"Sheldon: Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Leonard: Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.","Wil: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.","Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.","Wil: Oh, I’m friends with Howard too.",Sheldon: Oh. I guess you’re just friends with anybody. (Drinks) Aagh!,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Raj: May I have your attention, please? We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.",All: Hear! Hear!,"Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.",Wil: Sheldon…,Sheldon: Talk to the hand.,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: Talk to the hand.,Raj: Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!",Leonard: Sheldon…,Sheldon: Doubleazinga! I do! Good luck following that.,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Raj: I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.",Howard: She was my second cousin.,Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Raj: Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.","Wil (filming on his phone): Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you.","Sheldon: Jeepers, I’m drunk.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you.","Leonard: Actually, you did do one of them together.",Sheldon: Here.,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: Here.,Howard: What is this?,Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.,1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.,"Howard: No, but what is it?","Sheldon: Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.",1
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Howard: I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.,Raj: All right. More Sailor Moon for me.,Sheldon: I just threw up the bachelor party.,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Assistant: Okay.,Leonard: Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear?,"Sheldon: Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.","Leonard: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?",Sheldon: You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?,"Leonard: No, it should be: why are you?","Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?",Assistant: Why don’t you slip this on?,Sheldon: Said the hangman offering a noose.,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Raj: Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.","Howard: Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.","Sheldon: Ah, much better.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Ah, much better.",Leonard: You must be burning up.,"Sheldon: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Assistant: Uh, where’s he going?",Leonard: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.,Sheldon: Keys! Keys! Keys!,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Leonard: What about (inhales gas, in low voice) Cookies!",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?","Amy: Seven o’clock, right on time.",Sheldon: It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.,"Amy: Well, dinner’s almost ready.","Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.","Amy: Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight.",Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?,"Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?","Amy: I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.","Sheldon: Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.",Amy: I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.,"Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.","Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.","Sheldon: Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.","Amy: We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?",Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.",Amy: Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat.,"Sheldon: Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.",Amy: May I offer you something to drink?,Sheldon: You know I don’t drink.,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: You know I don’t drink.,Amy: Not even strawberry Quik?,"Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.","Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.",Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!,Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.,"Sheldon: Oh yummy, yummy! We should do this more often. Uh-oh.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Howard: We can only hope… that he doesn’t.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are playing three dimensional chess.,"Sheldon: Bishop to queen four, level two. Check.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Bishop to queen four, level two. Check.","Leonard: Sheldon, knight takes bishop. You all right?",Sheldon: I’m fine.,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Leonard: Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me?",Sheldon: Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?,Leonard: We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there?,"Sheldon: No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.","Leonard: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny.","Sheldon: Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.","Leonard: I guess we are. So, what’s going on?","Sheldon: Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.","Leonard: I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you.","Sheldon: It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.",Leonard: Shame on her.,"Sheldon: They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.",Leonard: She’s good.,Sheldon: I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.,"Leonard: You mean, like in bed or in the shower?","Sheldon: No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?","Leonard: Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer.",Sheldon: I assume we’re talking about you now?,1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: I assume we’re talking about you now?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?",Leonard: Pretty much.,"Sheldon: Well, no wonder the women are winning.",1
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Leonard: What are you doing?,Amy: We’re playing doctor. Star Trek style.,"Sheldon: I’m in hell, Leonard. Don’t stop.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, what channel is NASA TV?","Sheldon: 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.","Amy: I love his eidetic memory, it’s so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?","Sheldon: Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Bernadette: Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.",Raj: You’re nervous? I’ve been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I’m wearing my fat pants.,"Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy, has been Tetris and mail-order brides.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Bernadette: That wasn’t going to be our processional music.,"Amy: Well, it was going to be mine.","Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.","Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, it’ll be fun.",Sheldon: That’s what you said about The Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong.,1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Raj: From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.","Amy: Look at all these people in love. It kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?","Sheldon: It does, indeed. Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny given that you recently proposed to her?",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Penny: It wasn’t a real proposal.,Bernadette: Why wasn’t it a real proposal?,Sheldon: He asked her during coitus.,1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Penny: Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…",Bernadette: There’s got to be some place special we could do it.,"Sheldon: Leonard, where did you envision marrying Penny?",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Penny: Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.","Bernadette: Great, well, who’s it going to be?","Sheldon: I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.",Bernadette: No.,Sheldon: What do you see in her?,1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Howard: Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsman present.","Raj: Oh, thanks, man.",Sheldon: You didn’t have to do that.,1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Howard: Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.","Leonard: Oh, wow.","Sheldon: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.",Howard: What?,"Sheldon: While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.","Howard: Yeah, so?","Sheldon: I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.",Leonard: I doubt he’ll ask you to kill a man.,"Sheldon: Well, what if it’s his only way out? I can’t risk it. Here is twelve dollars. Now, we’re even. Wait, wait, wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. And for the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Penny: Problem?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.,1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Amy: Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.","Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.","Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.
",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.
",Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon.,"Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it in English, but it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.",1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Howard: Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.","All: By the power vested in us, by the state of California…",Sheldon: And the Klingon High Council…,1
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Penny: I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.",Leonard: This is it.,"Sheldon: Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Leonard: Mm-hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.","Raj: Right now, Howard’s staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.","Sheldon: I must admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It’s like a cat in an airport carrying case.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Leonard: Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.",Raj: Peering through his telescope at the birth of the cosmos.,"Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Amy: Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.",Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?","Leonard: Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought…","Sheldon: You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.",Leonard: I know what the anthropic principle is.,"Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?",Leonard: Where do you stand on it? ,Sheldon: Strongly pro.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Raj: Hey, guys.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?",Raj: I’m all for it.,Sheldon: Attaboy!,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Attaboy!,"Leonard: Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t?","Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we?",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Leonard: Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny. ","Raj: Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?","Sheldon: As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.","Raj: Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.","Sheldon: Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Raj: Really? I can come? Thanks.,"Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?","Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can’t outsource that to an Indian.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Scene: A restaurant.,"Amy: Sheldon, this place is so romantic. ","Sheldon: Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out.","Amy: Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you.",Sheldon: Tell him yourself.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Raj: Yoo-hoo! Over here!,Amy: I don’t understand. What’s he doing here?,Sheldon: I invited him.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: I invited him.,"Amy: On our date? Sheldon, that’s not okay.","Sheldon: Yes, it is. There’s a loophole in the Relationship Agreement.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Amy: Thank you.,"Raj: My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn’t this romantic?","Sheldon: Oh, I hope that’s a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Scene: The restaurant.,Amy: Have I ever told you you’re like a sexy praying mantis? ,Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.,Amy: You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.,Sheldon: Your point being?,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Your point being?,Amy: Dessert is served.,Sheldon: I just had cobbler.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: I just had cobbler.,Amy: You know what? I’m done with this.,Sheldon: W-Where are you going?,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: W-Where are you going?,Amy: I’m leaving.,Sheldon: You can’t leave. I need you.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: You can’t leave. I need you.,Amy: You do?,Sheldon: Yes. You’re my ride.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Yes. You’re my ride.,"Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.","Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.",1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.","Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.",Sheldon: I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.,1
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.,Amy: I’ll take it.,"Sheldon: Good. Now, I assume we’re splitting the cheque?",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush.","Howard: Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.","Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.",Leonard: Go ahead.,"Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)","Howard: Yes, I read you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise),1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise),Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.,"Howard: You’re out of your mind,Sheldon.",Sheldon: That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise),1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Mike: You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.,Howard: Bye.,Sheldon: Over and out. (Static noise),1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Stuart (knocking and entering): Hello.,"Raj: Hey, Stuart, come on in.",Sheldon: What are you doing here?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,"Stuart: Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys.",Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you are not in charge.",Sheldon: That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.,Raj: What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself.,"Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.","Leonard: It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz.",Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?,Stuart: I can take them or leave them.,"Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.",Stuart: Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets?,"Sheldon: Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.",Stuart: Okay. Should we go?,"Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.",Stuart: All right.,Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?,Stuart: I went to art school.,Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let’s go.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let’s go.,Scene: The cinema.,Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.,"Amy: Well, I like it.","Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.",Amy: Just watch the movie.,Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.,Amy: There might be a reason for that.,Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.,Amy: Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.,Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.,Amy: So?,"Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?",Amy: It’s complicated.,"Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?",Amy: She’s not sure how she feels.,"Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.","Amy: Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.","Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?","Amy: Yes, please, Penny will kill me.","Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.",Stuart: Raisinet?,"Sheldon: Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a sucking noise with his teeth.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon (measures): Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.",Leonard: I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow.,"Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.,Leonard: I wish there were more.,Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.,Leonard: What is it?,Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?,Leonard: Where exactly did your mother have you tested?,"Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.","Leonard: Okay, I think I understand.",Sheldon: You do?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: You do?,"Leonard: The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.",Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.,Scene: Leonard’s room.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Are you sleeping?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Are you sleeping?,Leonard: I was. Now I’m having a nightmare. What do you want?,Sheldon: Never mind. I still can’t tell you.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Never mind. I still can’t tell you.,"Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over Penny’s bed, knocking on the wall.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)","Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon?",Sheldon: You frightened me.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: You frightened me.,Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.","Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?","Sheldon: Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?","Penny: What do you want, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.",Penny: Talk about what?,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.",Penny: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.,"Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man.","Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.","Penny: Okay, what did Amy tell you?","Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.","Penny: Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?",Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?,Penny: Of course not.,Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.,Penny: Worst bedtime story ever.,"Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.","Penny: Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?",Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?,Penny: Get out.,Sheldon: Penny?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Please don’t hurt my friend.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Please don’t hurt my friend.,Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.,Sheldon: Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Penny: What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps),"Amy: Hang on, please. Hello?","Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.",Amy: I know. She’s yelling at me right now.,"Sheldon: All right then, so we’re all on the same page. Yes.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Raj: Focused Locust.,Stuart: Temple of Yip.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.,"Stuart: All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.","Sheldon: Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Stuart: Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.","Raj: In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee.",Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.,Leonard: Why would I be interested? I have Penny.,"Sheldon: Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Leonard: You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.,"Stuart: No, please don’t ruin this for me.",Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?,"Leonard: Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.","Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.",1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.",Leonard: What’s your point?,Sheldon: Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.,1
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Leonard: This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?,"Stuart: I like Mark Ruffalo, too.","Sheldon: Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Scene: The apartment. Penny enters, carrying a box.","Penny: Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.",Penny: M-hmm.,"Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?","Leonard: Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.","Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.","Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?","Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.","Penny: Really, your potty training journal?",Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.,"Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?","Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: No, no, no, no.",Penny: Sorry!,Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?,"Penny: Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.","Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.","Penny: Yeah, that’s basically what I said.","Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Leonard: I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.,Penny: You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?,"Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.","Leonard: So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?","Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.",Leonard: Not gonna happen.,"Sheldon: Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: If you want help, just hire a grad student.",Penny: Maybe I could do it.,"Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.","Penny: A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?","Sheldon: You said it, not me.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?","Ms Jenson: No, thanks. I’m fine.","Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.",Ms Jenson: I don’t do drugs.,"Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.","Ms Jenson: No, of course not. How did you know about that?","Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.","Ms Jenson: Yes, I did.","Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.","Ms Jenson: Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.","Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.",Ms Jenson: It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Welcome aboard.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Ms Jenson: Hello.,"Leonard: Sheldon, aren’t you going to introduce us?",Sheldon: No. I have people for that now. You’re up.,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.",Alex: It’s nice to meet you. I’m so excited to be working with Dr…,"Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Raj: Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?","Sheldon: Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Alex: Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.",Leonard: This should be fun.,"Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?",Alex: Yes.,Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?,"Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.",Sheldon: Two cherries?,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: Two cherries?,"Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.",Sheldon: Stems removed?,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Leonard: Oh!,"Alex: I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?",Alex: Um…,"Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?",Leonard: Given her what?,"Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.",1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon (arriving with Alex): Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.",Leonard: What do you got?,Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.,"Leonard: Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.",Sheldon: The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”” I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.,1
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.,Alex: She seems nice.,Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We’re working.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Leonard: It’ll be good to have him back.,Raj: The Fantastic Four reunited.,"Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.",Raj: We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.,"Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.","Leonard: I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.",Stuart: I can go thirty.,"Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.","Raj: Okay, the NASA Web site says Howard’s final descent has begun.","Sheldon: He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Howard: Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.","Amy: Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.","Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.",Penny: You’re unbelievable.,Sheldon: I know.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Leonard: All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?",Penny: How about boys versus girls?,"Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.","Penny: Once again, unbelievable.","Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.","Penny: All right, round one. Here.",Sheldon: Got it.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Uh, gift? Uh, Present!",Penny: Present! Yeah!,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?",Leonard: In what universe is that a present?,"Sheldon: It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Penny: Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them.",Later,Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.,Leonard: Nothing with quarks.,Sheldon: It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Amy: Yes.,Leonard: How could you miss that?,"Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.",Leonard: Penny got it.,"Sheldon: Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?","Penny: Relax, we got time, this is so fun.",Sheldon: There.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Amy: Now?,Penny: Soon.,"Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?",Penny: Yep!,"Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.","Penny: Excuse me, the word is polish. See? Small P.",Sheldon: Ah. So it is. I guess we both share blame on this one.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?",Sheldon: Don’t know.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Don’t know.,"Penny: I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.",Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.,"Leonard: Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.",Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.,"Penny: All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything.",Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.,"Penny: Oh, come on, what is that?","Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?",Leonard: En el acelerador de particulares.,"Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.","Penny: No, no, we’re not playing some dumb made-up game.","Sheldon: All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Amy: Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?,"Leonard: No good, Sheldon doesn’t float.","Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.","Amy: All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts?","Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.",Penny: Why not?,Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.,"Leonard: Yeah, that’s when it started.","Sheldon: Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Penny: Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…",Amy: We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo.","Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.",Leonard: I’m trying. Don’t yell at me.,"Sheldon: For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Oh, there he is, I got him.","Penny: Yes, we win again.",Sheldon: How could you not find him?,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Long division, long division. Go, go, go.","Leonard: Remember, show your work.",Sheldon: I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m not okay.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.",Penny: Mwah!,Sheldon: Stop that.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Stop that.,Penny: Mwah!,"Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Penny: All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.","Amy: On the count of three. One, two…",Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?",1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?","Leonard: Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.",Sheldon: That’s rude.,1
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Howard: Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.",All: Not now!,"Sheldon: Oh, ow, blueberry in my nose, blueberry in my nose!",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Howard: It’s my official NASA portrait.,"Stuart: To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”","Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Howard: But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.",Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?,"Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?","Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.","Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?",Howard: Not really.,"Sheldon: Oh, well.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Penny: Yeah, you’re really just making it worse.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?,Amy: I think I’m gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.,Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.,"Amy: So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.",Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.,Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.",Amy: Yeah?,Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.,"Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.","Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.","Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?",Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.,Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas.,Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?,Raj: It’s funny because bread sounds like dead.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?","Leonard: Hello, boys.",Sheldon: What are you smiling at?,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Raj: So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.","Sheldon: A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Raj: Do you have a preference?,Howard: I don’t care. Get the Tardis.,Sheldon: Yes! This party just became a major rager.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Raj: Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.","Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.,Raj: It’s called being nice.,"Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.","Howard: You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.","Sheldon: Look at that, the problem solved itself.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Leonard: Hello, boys.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?,Amy: You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.",1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.","Amy: No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.",Sheldon: What’s a hickey?,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Stuart: Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.","Amy: Sheldon, get in here.",Sheldon: I should’ve picked hickey.,1
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Stuart: Hey, hey, look at you guys!","Amy: I’m Raggedy Ann, and he’s Raggedy C-3PO.",Sheldon: It was a compromise. I lost.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Leonard: Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs.","Raj: You’re welcome, ladies.","Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)",Raj: Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch.,"Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?","Howard: That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.”","Sheldon: I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…",Raj: I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk.,"Sheldon: Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.","Leonard: That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you.","Sheldon: And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.","Howard: Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him.","Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.","Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t think this actually means…","Sheldon: Hold that thought! Professor Hawking has made a move. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, it’s only a matter of time before we’re coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I’ll be Coop. He’ll be Wheels. If he’s okay with that. (Leaves)",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Amy: I can, but she’s sitting right there.",Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,"Sheldon: Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.","Amy: Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.",Sheldon: It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.,"Amy: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.",Sheldon: What’s your point?,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: What’s your point?,Amy: It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.,"Sheldon: Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.","Amy: Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points.","Sheldon: Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.",Amy: Sorry.,"Sheldon: Although, I could play the completely unrelated and better word extract (pronounced with emphasis on ex). Ethical conundrum avoided. Thanks, brain.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Howard: Tell him he sounds like that.,"Raj: Sheldon, you okay?",Sheldon: It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?,Raj: The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him.,Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.,"Howard: There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Really?,"Howard: One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.","Sheldon: Good Lord, what have I done?",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Leonard: Please be good. Please be good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. She writes like she cooks.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.,Leonard: I did a bad thing.,Sheldon: Does it affect me?,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Does it affect me?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.,"Leonard: Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway.",Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.,"Leonard: I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad.","Sheldon: I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?",Leonard: Is it possible we’re having two different conversations?,Sheldon: How would I know? I’m not listening to you.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: How would I know? I’m not listening to you.,"Leonard: Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.","Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.","Leonard: He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it?","Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.","Leonard: Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school…","Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.","Leonard: Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her?","Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.",Leonard: No. You need to give me some advice.,"Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?","Leonard: No, specific to my situation.","Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?",Leonard: Empathetic.,Sheldon: It sucks to be you.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It sucks to be you.,Leonard: I quit.,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, of course, it only works on the weak-minded.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Scene: The cafeteria.,Howard: You ever hear back from Hawking?,Sheldon: No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain.,Raj: It’ll be okay.,Sheldon: How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.,"Raj: Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him.",Sheldon: You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.,"Howard: So, now all you have to do is let him win.","Sheldon: Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.",Howard: What are you waiting for? Hit send.,Sheldon: I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.,Raj: So don’t do it.,"Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.",Howard: So do it.,"Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.",Raj: Then don’t do it.,"Sheldon: I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.",Howard: Good for you.,"Sheldon: ‘Course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Leonard: I don’t know what to say.,"Penny: Hmm, how about, gee, Penny, you’re smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I’m the one who learned a lesson. I’m so stupid, Penny. Duh.",Sheldon: She sounds exactly like you.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Amy: I know. It’s finally working.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon’s phone rings.,Sheldon: It’s Stephen Hawking.,1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It’s Stephen Hawking.,Leonard: Well answer it. I want to hear.,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.","Stephen Hawking: Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: Oh, me, too.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Oh, me, too.","Stephen Hawking: Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha.","Sheldon: Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.",1
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.",Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?,"Sheldon: Oh, I love brain teasers.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I’d like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can’t. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I’m pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m happy to be here.",Amy: Cut.,Sheldon: What’s wrong?,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Wil: Wooden?,"Amy: Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.","Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.","Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here.","Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Amy: It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.","Wil: Um, no offence, but I’ve been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.","Sheldon: It’s true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Wil: And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?","Amy: Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action.","Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Amy: Cut.,"Wil: Problem, first-time director?","Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.",Amy: He was overacting on purpose.,Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Wil: Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.",Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that?,"Sheldon: Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?",Amy: Can I speak to you for a second?,Sheldon: I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.,"Amy: I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.","Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.",Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go.,Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?,Amy: You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?,"Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on fire.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, look who’s out after dark, like a big boy.",Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.,Leonard: I thought you had plans with Amy.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.",Leonard: Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument?,"Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.",Leonard: Then Amy got mad and left?,Sheldon: Walked right out the door.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Walked right out the door.,Leonard: And you?,Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.,"Leonard: Buddy, I think Amy might be upset.",Sheldon: Why’s that?,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Why’s that?,"Leonard: Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.",Sheldon: You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.,"Leonard: Trust me, call her.","Sheldon: Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.",Amy (on skype): What?,"Sheldon: You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.","Amy: I’m mad at you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.","Amy: I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything.","Sheldon: Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Leonard: Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That’s it. End of story. Good night.","Sheldon: Wow, Amy’s mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Howard: That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.",Amy: What?,"Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.",Amy: Star Trek DVDs? Why would I want this?,"Sheldon: First of all, you’re welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton’s body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I’ll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy… (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She’s hooked.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.,Penny: Hey. What brings you in?,"Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.",Penny: I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?,"Sheldon: Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.","Penny: And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking?","Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.",Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.,Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?,Penny: It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times.,Sheldon: Sold.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Sold.,"Penny: Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?","Sheldon: The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.","Penny: Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle.","Sheldon: It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.","Penny: Honey, you can’t make people like each other.","Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.",Penny: You might want to pace yourself.,Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.,"Penny: Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.",Sheldon: My problem is I’m out of tea.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: My problem is I’m out of tea.,"Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.","Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.",Penny: Sorry.,"Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.","Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.","Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.","Penny: Yeah, that she is. Here you go.",Sheldon: I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.,"Penny: No, she won’t.","Sheldon: No, she won’t. I’m great.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother’s heart!,Scene: Wil Wheaton’s house.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?","Wil: Hey, Sheldon, what’s up?",Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,Wil: Have you been drinking?,Sheldon: Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.,Wil: Why are you here?,Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?,"Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.","Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.","Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight?",Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.,1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.,"Wil: Okay, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.",Wil: Are you okay?,"Sheldon: You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help us, I’m pleased to introduce a special guest, surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here, Mr. LeVar Burton.",1
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"LeVar: Hey, Sheldon, it’s a pleasure to be here. Well, we’ve got some interesting flags for…","Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.","Sheldon: I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon is drawing on a napkin.,Raj: What are you drawing over there?,Sheldon: It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Howard: Oh, you silly doodlebug.","Leonard: You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.","Sheldon: It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)",Howard: Do you expect me to build this?,Sheldon: I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen.,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Scene: The corridor outside Sheldon’s office.,"Howard: Two forty-four, Right on schedule. Hey, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, hello.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.",Howard: Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us?,"Sheldon: No, thank you.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: No, thank you.","Raj: Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place.",Sheldon: I’m quite sure. Good day.,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: I’m quite sure. Good day.,"Howard: Well, where are you going?",Sheldon: Where are you going?,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: Where are you going?,Raj: We just told you.,Sheldon: I just told you.,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: I just told you.,"Howard: No, you didn’t.","Sheldon: Well, it’s your word against mine; see you in court.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s.","Sheldon: To be honest, I didn’t know you were here.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: To be honest, I didn’t know you were here.","Leonard: It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care.",Sheldon: You think you don’t care?,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: You think you don’t care?,Leonard: This is silly. I have nothing to worry about.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.",Leonard: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.","Leonard: Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things.","Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.",Leonard: I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity.,Sheldon: You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.,Leonard: I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here.,"Sheldon: I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.","Leonard: None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy.","Sheldon: Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.",Leonard: Now you’re just being ridiculous.,"Sheldon: Am I? The mind’s a mysterious thing, Leonard. He could be having the time of his life while she thinks she’s a chicken pecking for corn.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Cole (off): See you.,Leonard: I’ll be right back.,Sheldon: I thought you left a long time ago.,1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon (on screen): This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.,Howard: Wormhole generator test? (On screen a wormhole appears),Sheldon: The first forty-three parallel universes I’ve checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different. (Puts his head in the wormhole),1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Raj: Sheldon, we’re really sorry.","Howard: Yeah, really sorry.","Sheldon: Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Howard: But what are you doing in there?,Raj: And what does forty-three mean?,"Sheldon: You don’t need to know, you don’t deserve to know, and you will never know.",1
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Raj: Yeah, well, I know how to make your egg salad now.","Scene: The room in the basement. Sheldon enters, takes out a box, takes a beanbag from the box, then starts playing keepie-uppie,","Sheldon: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… Drat. I’m never going to get to forty-three again. One, two, three, four… Rats.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Raj: That’s called a fashion choice.,"Leonard: All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.","Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.",Leonard: Good boy. Here’s a cookie.,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Raj: Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?,"Howard: Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, 294?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, 294?",Howard: Yeah.,Sheldon: That’s my parking spot.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: That’s my parking spot.,Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive.,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.,Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.","Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space.","Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.","Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car.",Sheldon: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.,Howard: Are you listening to yourself?,"Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.",Howard: Nope.,Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.,Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is trying to push Howard’s car out of the spot.,"Sheldon: What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon (on phone): President Siebert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don’t use the parking spot, but that’s not the point. I… Yes, I’m aware you told me not to call you at home, but you didn’t answer the door. And I know you were there, because I saw you through the mail slot. Yeah, well, that’s some salty language. May I remind you that you’re the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club. There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, well, I’m sorry for your loss. Good night, sir. Unbelievable. He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he’s a high-profile asset to the university.","Leonard: Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.","Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?","Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal.","Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.",Leonard: All that story does is make me feel bad for your mother.,"Sheldon: Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Howard: Give it back.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but could you be more specific?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but could you be more specific?",Howard: My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.,"Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?","Howard: Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.","Sheldon: I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.",Howard: Fine. I’m taking your diploma.,Sheldon: Go ahead. That’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get. It smells funny in here.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Raj: Okay, here’s another one: If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a zompire?",Leonard: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Cookie.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Cookie.,Leonard: I don’t have any.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)",Howard: Hi Sheldon.,"Sheldon: He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?",Howard: He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.,Sheldon: Get off there.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Get off there.,Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.,Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.,Howard: You don’t need a parking space. You don’t have a car.,Sheldon: You don’t need an Iron Man helmet. You’re not Iron Man.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is spraypainting out Howard’s name and replacing it with his own.,Amy: This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.,Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.,Amy: Freaking pigs.,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.","Amy: Wait, I’m leaving my car here?","Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.","Amy: Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.","Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.",Amy: What do you think?,"Sheldon: I think you’re high on paint fumes. And boy, that’s a lot of Band-Aids.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Bernadette: ‘Cause I did it!,Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon has set up his office in it.,"Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.",Howard: What the hell are you doing?,"Sheldon: Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it.","Howard: Okay, you need to move now.","Sheldon: No, I don’t.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: No, I don’t.",Howard: You can’t stay there forever.,"Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)","Howard: Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon,","Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?","Howard: I’m warning you, Sheldon!","Sheldon: Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.",Howard: Get out of my spot.,Sheldon: No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.,Leonard: What are you idiots doing?,"Sheldon: He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Leonard: You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.,Howard: It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now.,"Sheldon: Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Leonard: What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.,"Howard: Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.) ","Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.",Howard: What are you doing in there?,Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.,Howard: Stop that. You stop that.,Sheldon: You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Raj: Hey, got a minute?","Sheldon: Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Raj: Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.","Howard: I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street.","Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.",Howard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.","Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say.",Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Raj: Just say it.,"Howard: You’re the bigger man, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: The cheesecake factory.,"Howard: I’d like to propose a toast, to burying the hatchet.",Sheldon: To burying the hatchet.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: A dry cleaners.,Shopkeeper: Can I help you?,"Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.",Shopkeeper: A what?,"Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?",Shopkeeper: Lipid what?,"Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.",1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.",Shopkeeper: Tuesday okay?,Sheldon: Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.,Shopkeeper: Let me write you a ticket.,Sheldon: Is that your son?,1
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Is that your son?,Shopkeeper: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?,"Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song.","Sheldon: It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.",Howard and Raj (together): Turtle power!,"Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.","Howard: Yeah, so?","Sheldon: I can think of many things Spider-Man can’t do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Leonard: Fun. We know how much you love that.,Howard: It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.,"Sheldon: You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.","Howard: Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law.","Sheldon: No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.","Howard: Great, thank you.","Sheldon: Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.","Raj: What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight?","Sheldon: Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.",Leonard: That should lighten the mood.,Sheldon: What can I say? I put the fun in funeral.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Credits sequence.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.","Amy: Hello, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?",Amy: I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral.,"Sheldon: You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.","Amy: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me?","Sheldon: Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.","Amy: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.","Sheldon: Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.","Amy: Never mind. Good night, Sheldon.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.","Amy: Thank you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now let’s get this over with.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Howard: Had no idea you were the chatty one.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.,"Amy: Sheldon, you don’t get over the flu in half an hour.","Sheldon: Well, not with that attitude.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, not with that attitude.","Amy: I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking.","Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?",Amy: Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.,"Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.","Amy: Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.","Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.","Amy: You, you want to rub something on my chest?",Sheldon: Yes. All over it.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Yes. All over it.,Amy: Maybe we should start with that.,"Sheldon: Now you’re being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon (reading): And the control group displayed significantly fewer genetic abnormalities. But, because of flaws in the experimental design relating to environment and diet, they lived inconclusively ever after. The end.",Amy: That was great. Rub my chest again. (Knock at door) ,"Sheldon: No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)",Bernadette: How’s the poor thing?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.","Bernadette: Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts.","Sheldon: Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?",Amy: I don’t have a bath thermometer.,Sheldon: Fine. Then I’m going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is dancing to “Walking on Sunshine”. Hears door and turns off stereo.,"Amy: Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath.","Sheldon: I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.",Amy: Oh?,"Sheldon: I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.","Amy: All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me.","Sheldon: It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.",Amy: I feel terrible I did this.,"Sheldon: It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.",Amy: I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest?,"Sheldon: In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.",Amy: I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.,"Sheldon: Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.",Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?,Sheldon: I don’t want to. But it looks like you left me no choice.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn’t go that far.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Are you prepared to receive your punishment?,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Are you prepared to receive your punishment?,Amy: One second. I want to put on some music.,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Why?,Amy: I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me.,"Sheldon: Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.",1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.","Amy: Oh, my.",Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.,1
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.,Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.,Sheldon: Maybe I will.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Oh, great! I’ve always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.","Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.",Amy: Why not?,"Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.",Amy: By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?,"Sheldon: Yeah, like a bunch of savages.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.",Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas.,Stuart: What’s wrong with Christmas?,"Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?",Howard:Pirate with a peg leg?,"Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you.",Leonard: Would you just look inside?,"Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.","Leonard: It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.","Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?,"Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?",Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Leonard: Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.","Raj: But, a cannon? Am I really out of the game?",Sheldon: Lucky.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.","Penny (entering): Hey, guys. I don’t mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you’d like to see what you’re missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette’s wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there’s Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I’m assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.","Sheldon: I know they’re making a rhetorical point, I just don’t know what it is.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Leonard: Great. What do you do?,"Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go “blublublublublublublublu”",Sheldon: I open the chest.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Leonard: Walls are getting closer.,"Stuart: Oh, boy, happy place, happy place.","Sheldon: Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Howard: What are we supposed to do?,"Leonard: Seven, six.","Sheldon: Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Leonard: Three, two.",Stuart: Somebody sing the damn song.,"Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even",Leonard: The walls are getting slower.,"Sheldon: Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Howard: That was amazing, Sheldon.",Stuart: How did you know that?,"Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.","Leonard: Okay, continuing our quest.","Sheldon: W-W-Wait. There’s still four more verses. You don’t sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know’st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost…",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is still singing.,"Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.",Howard: Done?,Sheldon: I think the word you’re looking for is bravo.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: I think the word you’re looking for is bravo.,"Leonard: Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen.",Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?,Leonard: I don’t know. What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.",Leonard: Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water.,Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?,"Leonard: You see those, too.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s like I’m really there.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Howard: Good story.,Leonard: What are you drinking there? A little eggnog?,"Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem?",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem?","Leonard: No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy.",Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit.","Sheldon: Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you?",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Stuart: What was so bad about them?,"Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded.",Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.,Leonard: It wasn’t amazing. I got a C-minus four years in a row.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’m familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Raj: Now that I know she doesn’t like me, I’m kind of into her.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing numbers on a whiteboard.,Sheldon: All right. I think I cracked the code to lower the drawbridge.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Leonard: The drawbridge is lowering.,Stuart: My carpal tunnel’s acting up.,Sheldon: Play through the pain.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Howard: Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.",Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him.,"Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.","Howard: Wait, what are you doing?","Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?","Leonard: Uh, okay.","Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.","Leonard: This is weird, right?","Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ’em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.","Scene: The apartment, late at night. ",Sheldon: Santa?,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Santa?,"Santa: Oh, hello, Sheldon. You should be asleep.","Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots.","Santa: Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them.",Sheldon: I understand.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: I understand.,Santa: But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes.,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope it’s a train.",1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope it’s a train.","Santa: Oh, it’s better than a train.",Sheldon: Two trains?,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Two trains?,Santa: Better.,Sheldon: I’m getting three trains.,1
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: I’m getting three trains.,"Santa: Okay, open ’em. (It’s a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!","Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense…",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.",Leonard: I can’t blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.,"Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.",Leonard: What recordings?,"Sheldon: Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it’s probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Alex: Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.",Leonard (jumping and knocking over the Jenga): What?,"Sheldon: Jenga, I win!",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Leonard: To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.",Raj: I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again.,"Sheldon: Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning?",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Leonard: I didn’t steal anyone.,Raj: Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.",Leonard: I’m androgynous?,"Sheldon: Oh, please. Look at you with your pouty bee-stung lips.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Raj: I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.",Penny: What is happening?,"Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.",Bernadette: Who’s involved?,"Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.",Penny: You’re talking about Leonard.,"Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.","Amy: It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it?",Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.,"Penny: Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex?","Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?",Penny: Fine. Ricardo and Tondelaya.,"Sheldon: Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Bernadette: I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.,"Amy: She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.","Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.","Penny: We know what’s going on, Sheldon!","Sheldon: Well, what should I do?",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, what should I do?","Bernadette: Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.","Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Penny: What? He’s loving it?,"Bernadette: Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away.","Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?","Alex: I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?","Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?",Alex: Is there a problem?,Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.,Alex: What did I do?,"Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.",Alex: What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody.,"Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.",Alex: What?,Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.,Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.,"Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.",Alex: I have to go.,"Sheldon: So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Penny: Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!",Leonard: I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.",Leonard: Why would you do that?,"Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.",Leonard: At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.,"Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.","Leonard: Oh, my God, what did you do?","Sheldon: Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.",Scene: The Human Resources Department.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.",HR Woman: Come in.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Hello.,"HR Woman: Ah, Dr. Cooper, have a seat.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Thank you.,HR Woman: I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.,"Sheldon: So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.","HR Woman: Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace.",Sheldon: Like what?,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Like what?,"HR Woman: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it.","Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.",HR Woman: I’m a what?,"Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…","HR Woman: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.","Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.",HR Woman (writing): Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?,"Sheldon: Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t racist. He’s also brown.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Janine: Did it have six breasts?,"Howard: I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.","Sheldon: Well, hello.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, hello.",Leonard: What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.",Janine: And I’m a little busy right now.,Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.,1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.,Janine: And who was that?,"Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.","Janine: That’s it. All of you, in my office now!","Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.","Alex: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.",1
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.",Alex: Okay.,"Sheldon: Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I’m gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you’d better ace it, they’re pretty mad.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is steaming a Star Trek uniform.,"Leonard: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?","Sheldon: Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Penny: Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.","Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.","Sheldon: That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Penny: Is that better?,"Leonard: Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.","Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.","Penny: Well, then why are you going?","Sheldon: It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Penny: That is an amazing idea. Okay, how many of these have I had?",Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.,Leonard: It is on.,Sheldon: But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Leonard: I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.","GPS (in Sheldon’s voice): Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210.","Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.",Leonard: What did you do?,Sheldon: I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,GPS: Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.,Leonard: Really?,"Sheldon: Shh, he said it’s interesting.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Howard: Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.","Raj: You know, we’re not that far from Vazquez Rocks.","Sheldon: Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Raj: Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.,"Leonard: Yeah, that sounds fun.","Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.","GPS: Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.",Sheldon: None of you will get it. It’s Eisenhower.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Scene: Vasquez Rocks. Sheldon, dressed as Data, is having his makeup put on by Raj, dressed as Worf.","Raj: And we’re blending, and we’re blending, and we’re done.","Sheldon: I know Mr. Data isn’t supposed to smile, but here it comes.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Leonard: I’ll set the timer.,"Howard: Sheldon, how is that a fight pose?",Sheldon: Mr. Data’s weapon is his mind. I’m wielding it.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Leonard: What? Hey, hey! Come back here!",Raj: Stop!,Sheldon: Stealing is against the law!,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Howard: Oh, so is mine.","Leonard: Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas?",Sheldon: Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Scene: The side of the road.,Leonard: What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?,Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?,Leonard: I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault.,Sheldon: You’re right. Nice going.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Howard: Car.,Raj: What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop?,Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?,"Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people.","Sheldon: Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Howard: Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?,"Leonard: Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.","Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Leonard: Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen.",Raj: Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.","Leonard: Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood.","Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…",Guys in Passing Car (throwing a drink over Sheldon): Nerds!,Sheldon: I hate this planet.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Amy: Okay, if you’re going to start comparing wands and hammers, I can’t even take you seriously.",Scene: A diner.,"Sheldon: Hello. Hello. Uh, uh, uh, four glasses of water, please. Anything for you guys?",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Leonard: Can I use your phone? Our car got stolen.,Waitress: Why don’t you ask Scotty to beam you up?,"Sheldon: Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Howard: I’m with Leonard. I’m done.,"Raj: Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide?","Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.",Raj: What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Penny: Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Well, I say that’s the last time we ever go outside.",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Penny (off): How could Red Hulk be worthy?,Bernadette (off): You don’t know his life.,Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.,1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.,"Raj: If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.","Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?",1
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?",Leonard: I say we investigate.,Sheldon: Wait. They might be hostile.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The Apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold.","Sheldon: I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Leonard: Yeah, so, I’m out.","Raj: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?",Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Don’t waste my time.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!",Kripke: Cooper?,Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.,Kripke: What’s that?,"Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?",Kripke: I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.,"Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.","Kripke: No, they’re making us work together.",Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Leonard: Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?,"Penny (entering apartment): You doing okay, sweetie?","Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.",Leonard: Want me to make you some tea?,Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.,"Leonard: So, cocoa?","Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?","Leonard: Oh, teacher! Me! Me!","Sheldon: See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Penny: What beverage do you make for that?,"Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?","Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Kripke: What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.","Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.",Kripke: We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours.,Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.,Kripke: You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?,Kripke: How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine?,"Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.","Kripke: Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?",Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Fine.,Kripke: Nice twy. This is bwank paper.,Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.,"Kripke: Cough it up, Cooper.",Sheldon: Very well.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Very well.,"Kripke: If this one’s bwank, too, I’m going to be fuwious.",Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy:The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?",Sheldon: I’m fine.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Amy: All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Yes.,"Amy: Sheldon, what’s going on?","Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.","Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?",Sheldon: What do we have to lose?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: What do we have to lose?,Amy: How’s that?,Sheldon: I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’re going to be late.",Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.,Leonard: You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke.,"Sheldon: No, look.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: No, look.",Leonard: 128.,Sheldon: See?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: See?,"Leonard: What did you do, put this in your tea?","Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.","Leonard: Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.","Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.","Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.","Sheldon: All right, geez. What a grouch.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Kripke: Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.","Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.",Kripke: Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is.,Sheldon: We do?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: We do?,Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.,Sheldon: So?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: So?,"Kripke: So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.",Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.,Kripke: You wucky bastard.,"Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.","Kripke: Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.","Sheldon: I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?","Sheldon: Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Leonard: I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.","Penny: Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question?",Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Of course.,Penny: You ever going to sleep with Amy?,Sheldon: That’s awfully personal.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Leonard: We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.,"Penny: Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal?","Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Penny: All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?","Leonard: All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?","Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.",Penny: Then what’s the problem?,"Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.,Penny: Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?,Sheldon: It’s a possibility.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: It’s a possibility.,"Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.",Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.",Kripke: Whatever. You get any wast night?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Yes.,"Kripke: Gave it to her good, huh?","Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…",1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…","Kripke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie?",Sheldon: I didn’t notice.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I didn’t notice.,Kripke: How could you not notice?,Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.,"Kripke: Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper!",Sheldon: Can we get back to work?,1
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Can we get back to work?,"Kripke: Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys?",Sheldon: Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Scene: The apartment,Leonard: I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.,"Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.",Leonard: Why would you say that?,"Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.",Leonard: That was a huge spoiler.,Sheldon: Good.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Good.,"Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.","Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?",Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.","Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.","Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.","Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.","Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.","Leonard: That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this.","Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.",Leonard: Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement.,Sheldon: You pick that up right now.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You pick that up right now.,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.",Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.,Sheldon: Where are you going?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Where are you going?,"Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard.",Sheldon: Crazy bastard?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Crazy bastard?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Dobby the elf dies in book seven.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll make one.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.,Amy: Children’s toy.,Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.,Amy: Children’s toy.,"Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.","Amy: So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward?","Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?",Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.",Amy: Like a dog-boy.,Sheldon: Exactly.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Exactly.,Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?,"Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.",Amy: Great. Here I am!,Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?,Amy: Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate?,Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,"Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?",Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn’t a fantastic idea.,Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,Amy: See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.,Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.",Leonard: What do you want?,"Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.",Leonard: Is that so?,"Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.","Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?",Penny: It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment.,"Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Leonard: Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.","Penny: Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.","Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.","Penny: That is the worst, isn’t it?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.","Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment?",Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Raj: They’re on the chair, right over… Oy vey.",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.",Penny: What did I do?,"Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.","Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me.",Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.,"Penny: No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.",Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.,"Penny: Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.","Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?","Penny: Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional.",Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.,"Penny: Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.","Sheldon: I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.,Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?",Amy: Yes.,Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?,"Amy: Yes. I did good, right?","Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?",Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?","Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.",Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.,Amy: And this is Amy.,Sheldon: We’re not home right now.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Together: Leave a message.,Amy: Beep.,Sheldon: You can’t live here.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You can’t live here.,Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.,Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.,"Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.",Sheldon: You did.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You did.,"Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.",Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.,Amy: What?,"Sheldon: She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Leonard (off): What?,"Penny: Sheldon, what did you say?","Sheldon: I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Leonard: Since when don’t you want to live with me?,"Penny: Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.","Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.","Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?",Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.,Amy: You’re a coward.,"Sheldon: Well, the evidence does support that.",1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.,Penny: Um…,Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?,Leonard: ‘Kay.,Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?,1
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Or maybe she doesn’t. Let’s find out.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Penny: You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.","Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?","Sheldon: Oh, you caught that, did you?",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Stuart: That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.","Alex: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.","Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.",Alex: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.,"Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Howard: Yes, please.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.","Alex: Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.","Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.","Alex: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.","Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?","Alex: No, I just thought it would be…",Sheldon: Next.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Next.,"Alex: Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales.",Sheldon: Mmm.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Mmm.,Alex: So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.,Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.,Alex: I don’t know how to respond to that.,"Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.","Alex: Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.","Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.",Alex: Thank you.,Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.,Alex: What about your girlfriend?,Sheldon: It’s too late. I call dibs.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Happy Valentine’s Day.,Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?,"Amy: Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.","Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.","Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.",Sheldon: What is that?,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: What is that?,"Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Really?,"Amy: Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it?",Sheldon: More than anything.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: More than anything.,"Amy: Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.","Amy: I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.","Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.",Amy: What’s this?,Sheldon: Read it.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Read it.,"Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?",Sheldon: At the bottom.,1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: At the bottom.,"Amy: In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.","Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?",Amy: And you picked me.,"Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.",1
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.","Amy: Oh, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine’s Day and order my pizza.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.",Penny: Hello.,"Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.","Penny: Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in.","Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.","Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute?",Sheldon: What’s wrong?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: What’s wrong?,"Penny: I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class.",Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.,"Penny: Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in.",Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?,Penny: Let’s try open.,"Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?","Penny: Um, well, I’m from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?","Sheldon: Gosh, Penny, what’d you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?,"Amy: Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow.","Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.","Amy: Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny?",Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.,"Amy: Subtle, but powerful.",Sheldon: I know. I’m still learning to control it.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: I know. I’m still learning to control it.,Amy: Did you tell Penny how helpful she was?,Sheldon: Why would I do that?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Why would I do that?,"Amy: Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: Oh, hi. What’s up?",Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Um…,Penny: You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?,"Sheldon: No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.","Penny: Okay. So, what do you need?","Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.","Penny: Aw, sweetie, you just made my day.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list.","Sheldon: Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that?",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy (on webcam): That’s right. They’re no good without the lighter.,"Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny.",Amy: Why? What happened?,"Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.","Amy: Sheldon, that’s very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play.","Sheldon: Oh, so many crazy rules.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Amy: That better be Tootsie Rolls you’re throwing at me!,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.","Penny: Hey, I don’t want you to go any more.",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Why not?,"Penny: You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to.","Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?",Penny: Okay. Do whatever you want.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?","Penny: Oh, for God’s sake, just come to the play.","Sheldon: All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.",Scene: The comic book store.,"Sheldon: You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.",Howard: He’s just decided he’s never leaving his apartment again.,"Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I’ve been itching to pull that trigger.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I’ve been itching to pull that trigger.",Howard: He’s upset because he can’t get anywhere with women.,Sheldon: Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I’m just funnin’ ya.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Amy: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.",Leonard: I’m sorry. That I asked.,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.","Leonard: Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Why?,Leonard: You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy.,"Sheldon: Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now?",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Leonard: Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.","Amy: Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic.","Sheldon: It’s about streetcars? Oh, great. I won’t need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.)",1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Actor: To be lonely?,"Leonard: She’s pretty good, huh?",Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?,"Penny (as Blanche): …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.",Sheldon: She’s remarkable.,1
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Leonard: She really is.,Amy: Our Penny’s a star.,"Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger?",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: Look, I know you guys don’t want to do this, but we have no choice. So, you can either bitch and whine or we can just get it over with.",Howard: I got whine.,Sheldon: I got the B word.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.","Howard: Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.","Sheldon: If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.",Leonard: Helping women? Y,Sheldon: Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.,"Leonard: Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?",Sheldon: I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.,Leonard: You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science.,"Sheldon: I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?","Howard: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.","Sheldon: Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.","Leonard: Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this.",Sheldon: Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.,"Leonard: Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.","Sheldon: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Howard: Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.","Leonard: Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch.",Sheldon: We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.,"Howard: So, you think I’m one of the smarter kids?","Sheldon: No, you’re a tool I was using to make my point.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game",Sheldon: How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.,Howard: Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins.,"Sheldon: Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science.",Sheldon: All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.,Leonard: That’s actually good. Why didn’t I think of that?,"Sheldon: Some people are otters, some people are rocks.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Howard: Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.","Leonard: That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there.","Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.",Howard: What exactly are you looking up?,Sheldon: How do I get 12-year-old girls excited.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Leonard: It’s nice of your old school to let us try out our science talk on some female students.,"Howard: Well, they’re actually pretty excited. I’m their most famous alum. If you don’t count the serial killer who ate all those prostitutes.","Sheldon: This must feel pretty good for you, coming back to your alma mater as an astronaut.",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Kid: What?,Howard: Nothing.,Sheldon: Smart. We don’t want any problems.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Scene: A classroom.,"Leonard: Okay, who’s ready for some science? Me, too. Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I am here with my friends Dr. Cooper and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz, and we are going to show you girls how cool a job in science can be. How cool, you ask? Well, how about negative 273 degrees, ’cause that’s the temperature at which entropy reaches its minimum value. Did I just learn something new and have fun doing it? What? All right. So now let’s bring out theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper.","Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science, until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can’t happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: I never wanted to play the cello. How do you meet girls playing the cello? Hey, you want to come over to my house and listen to me play an instrument that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?","Howard: Quick, pull the fire alarm. Let’s get out of here.","Sheldon: Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?",1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?",Amy (voice): We’re here.,Sheldon: Thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to enlighten these young women.,1
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.",Sheldon: Heard you the first time.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Penny: Ooh, it smells good.","Bernadette: Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.","Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn’t have.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn’t have.","Bernadette: Oh, it’s my pleasure.","Sheldon: No, you really shouldn’t have. I brought my own.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Leonard: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.,"Bernadette: Sheldon, I’ve been cooking all day.","Sheldon: Well, now don’t you feel silly.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Bernadette: That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought.,"Raj: Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.","Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?",Howard: Colour’s fine.,"Sheldon: Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Penny: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?","Amy: Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.","Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Scene: The closet.,"Leonard: Sheldon, come on. It’s getting late. Time to go.","Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes.",Leonard: That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it.,Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do?,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do?,"Howard: You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.","Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye.","Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?",Howard: Juggle.,Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.,"Bernadette: Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.","Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…","Howard: Whoa, you opened this?","Sheldon: Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content…",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Bernadette: Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?","Howard: If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here.","Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?",Howard: Do whatever you want.,Sheldon: Thanks. Oh. Great party.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Penny: Okay.,Scene: The laundry room.,Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building’s belly button.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building’s belly button.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?",Amy: You have something we want.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.","Penny: No, we just want information.","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.",Penny: We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father.,Sheldon: I did.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I did.,Penny: What did it say?,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,"Amy: Sheldon, that’s not a real thing.","Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.",Penny: Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says.,"Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.","Penny: Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something?","Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?","Penny: Yeah, obviously.","Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don’t give you enough credit, Penny.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Raj: So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.,"Leonard: Hey, where have you been?","Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.","Leonard: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time.","Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.",Leonard: What information?,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,"Raj: Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone.","Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.","Leonard: Fine, then that.","Sheldon: All right, I’ll tell you. My goodness, everyone’s on their game today.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Leonard: As is the company.,Penny: Aw.,Sheldon: My shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Penny: Sure.,Amy: Absolutely.,"Sheldon: If I say yes, can we turn off that Latin orgy music?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Raj: Couldn’t leave him one friend, could you?",Howard: So everybody knows what’s in that letter except for me?,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s six against one. Stand down, sir.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Howard: No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.",Amy: Use me as a human shield!,Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Leonard: When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.","Howard: Oh, yeah, what’s that?","Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.","Penny: We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so…","Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Raj: Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.",Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Howard: Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.,Amy: Told you.,Sheldon: Don’t.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Amy: You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.",Howard: Really?,Sheldon: Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Leonard: Penny.,"Penny: It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.",Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.,"Amy: No, it’s not.",Sheldon: Don’t.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Leonard: Yeah, cool.",Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.","Bernadette: Sheldon, don’t you dare.",Sheldon: There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.,Bernadette: That’s more like it.,Sheldon: Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.,1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Raj: I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.","Amy: If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.","Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?",1
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?","Penny: Damn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him.","Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: My point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.",Raj: Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.,"Sheldon: If I could keep my Gmail account, I’d be okay with that.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: Oh, my God.","Barry: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.","Sheldon: If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Howard: Show a little compassion, a man died.","Barry: And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.","Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.","Raj: Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.",Sheldon: Pchew!,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.","Raj: Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it.","Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.","Leonard: Excuse me, but I think I’m just as qualified as you are.",Sheldon: Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Penny: Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.",Amy: Are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,Amy: Do they know they don’t stand a chance ’cause you’re so great?,"Sheldon: Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: Oh, very. Assuming she takes my call.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.,"Amy: Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.","Sheldon: Or, the chainsaw.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.",Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.,Amy: You don’t say.,"Sheldon: But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.",Amy: Is that a problem?,Sheldon: Well…,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Well…,"(Flashback to Series 6, Episode 12, The Egg Salad Equivalency)",Sheldon: Even you. You’re a slave.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Janine: I’m a what?,(End of flashback),"Sheldon: I’m not sure, it could go either way.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Shelldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?","Janine: God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?","Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.","Janine: Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary.",Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me.,Janine: Roots?,Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.,Janine: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?,"Sheldon: Um… Well… You are black, right?",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Um… Well… You are black, right?",Janine: This meeting has come to an end.,"Sheldon: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that. Let’s see. Up next on the tenure committee is Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Raj: I don’t know.,Leonard: Probably not.,Sheldon: Barely knew him.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Howard: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.","Amy: Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.","Sheldon: First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.",Amy: It sounds like a long and tedious evening.,"Sheldon: Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.","Amy: Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along.","Sheldon: Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.","Amy: Of course it would. I’m well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.","Sheldon: Actually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Scene: The memorial.,Amy: Let’s go over our emotional responses one last time.,Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Okay.,"Amy: Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us?",Sheldon: Sad.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Sad.,Amy: The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?,Sheldon: Glad.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Glad.,Amy: Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was?,Sheldon: Bad. However…,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Bad. However…,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Fine. Bad.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Fine. Bad.,Raj: Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.,Sheldon: You’re here.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: You’re here.,"Raj: Excuse me. I’m here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.",Sheldon: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Amy: I’d like to know why Penny’s here.,"Penny: I’m here to support my man, just like you.",Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?,Leonard: Do it.,Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?,Amy: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard’s cause.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Leonard: Way to hit ’em with both barrels.,"Raj: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.",Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?,Raj: Yes.,"Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.",Amy: Sheldon!,Sheldon: What? That was ambiguous.,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What? That was ambiguous.,"Raj: Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it?",Sheldon: Um…,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Um…,Howard: You could talk some smack about his mother.,"Sheldon: Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.","Leonard: Okay, okay. Guys, what are we doing here?","Sheldon: I don’t know what you’re doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj’s mother for a dollar.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Raj: You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.,"Leonard: How about it, Sheldon?",Sheldon: What do you think I should do?,1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What do you think I should do?,"Amy: Well, you’ll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you’ll make any more friends.","Sheldon: I don’t want any more, but let’s go.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Leonard: No. We cannot lose to that jerk.,"Raj: Yeah, screw it. I’m going in.","Sheldon: Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Amy: Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.,Scene: Janine’s office.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.",Janine: What?,"Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.","Janine: Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.","Sheldon: I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.","Janine: You didn’t bring another gift, did you?","Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.",Janine: Good.,"Sheldon: Anyway, thank you.",1
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Anyway, thank you.",Janine: You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen.,"Sheldon: Yeah, right on, sister.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Penny: Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.","Leonard: Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.",Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?,Leonard: I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere.,Sheldon: I’m deleting it.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Penny: Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.","Leonard: You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas.","Sheldon: No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.",Leonard: There is no season three. They cancelled that show.,"Sheldon: Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Leonard: They did.,"Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?",Sheldon: Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?,"Penny: As a rule, no.","Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.","Penny: Well, why don’t you make up your own ending?","Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.","Leonard: Oh, please, don’t do that.",Sheldon: No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon (on phone): Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it’s me, and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just. I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about y’all cancelling his favourite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?","Amy: I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.",Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.,"Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.","Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.","Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.",Amy: You sure about that?,"Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.,Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.,"Amy: All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…","Sheldon: …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?",Amy: I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.,Sheldon: By playing tic-tac-toe?,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: By playing tic-tac-toe?,Amy: Yep. Your turn.,"Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.",Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?,Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.,Amy: And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.,"Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.","Amy: Come on, you can do this.",Sheldon: You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"1. Amy (singing): O’er the land of the free, and the home of the… Next.","2. (Sheldon is laying out an intricate pattern of dominoes) Amy: That’s quite an impressive layout, isn’t it?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: Yes.,Amy: Let’s box it up.,Sheldon: Let’s box it up.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"3. (Sheldon is turning the handle on a jack-in-the-box. Just before the end of the tune) Amy: That’s enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!","4. Amy: Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.","Sheldon: Lucky for you, ’cause I wished you were dead.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.",Amy: I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.,"Sheldon: Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…",Amy: And?,"Sheldon: Doesn’t matter, does it?",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Doesn’t matter, does it?","Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)",Sheldon: And a complete sucker.,1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!","Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.","Sheldon: I love you, too.",1
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: I love you, too.",Scene: Later.,"Sheldon: Hello. Uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas? Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Leonard: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here. When you’re happy with those, you press this button.",Penny: Got it.,"Sheldon: Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey!",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: Nice shot.,"Penny: Eh, his giant head did most of the work.","Sheldon: Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.",Leonard: You’re kidding. He’s still alive?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: He was the host of this great… Hey!,"Penny: Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton.",Sheldon: Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: It was pretty cool.,"Penny: Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti.","Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.",Leonard: Hire him to do what?,"Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.","Leonard: It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I?","Sheldon: Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.",Leonard: Do you remember his old theme song?,Sheldon: Of course I do.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Howard: To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.",Raj: Thank you.,"Sheldon: It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: You’re kidding.,Howard: You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show?,Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.,Howard: How’d you get him to come to your house?,"Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.",Leonard: And he wrote him a cheque.,"Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. Big cheque.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Bernadette: Yeah, well, you throw like a girl.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: I’m getting worried.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: I’m getting worried.,"Penny: Relax, Sheldon, he’s only a few minutes late.","Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.",Leonard: Where is he?,Sheldon: The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.",Arthur: I agree.,"Sheldon: Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.","Arthur: Just, just call me Arthur.","Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.","Arthur: No. A friend would’ve, would’ve told me about the elevator.",Sheldon: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Arthur: Is, uh, is he dangerous?","Leonard: Actually, he’s a genius.",Sheldon: I am.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Penny: Hello.,"Arthur: Well, I hope I haven’t, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show.","Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show’s for me. Come on. I’ll race ya, Arthur.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Leonard: That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.","Arthur: You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show?","Sheldon: Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.","Arthur: You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University.","Sheldon: Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?","Arthur: No, no. I, I hate that puppet.","Sheldon: Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It’s nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping!",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Arthur: Okay, as, as I put the egg on top, and, and the flame goes out and, and, and the air pressure decreases in, in the flask, what do you think will happen?",Penny: I think I know.,Sheldon: It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in.,"Penny: Okay, I didn’t know.",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Penny: See, I’m not a scientist like them.","Arthur: I, I figured that out.",Sheldon: Potato clock. Do potato clock.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Penny: Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?","Arthur: No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done.","Sheldon: What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: Then what is it?,"Arthur: I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more.","Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.","Arthur: What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I’m, I’m an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I’m a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife.","Sheldon: Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something. :14:11,446",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Penny: But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?",Arthur: What do you two talk about?,"Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?","Arthur: I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.","Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.","Arthur: No, I, I get that.","Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.","Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.","Sheldon: Yeah, it’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Paramedic: Your vitals are stable, but let’s take you in for some tests just to be safe.",Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?,Sheldon: I’ll do it.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Arthur: He’s not a relative, he’s not allowed, right?","Paramedic: No, that’s not a rule. He can go.","Sheldon: Oh, yeah.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: I’m sorry things turned out this way.,"Arthur: Well, at, at this point, I’m just glad someone’s carrying me down the stairs.","Sheldon: Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this’ll be the best day ever.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Howard: Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom.,Scene: A hospital room.,"Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.","Arthur: Thank you, Sheldon. That, that was very nice.",Sheldon: Want me to sing it again?,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: Want me to sing it again?,"Arthur: No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm.","Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?","Arthur: No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask.",Sheldon: Name it.,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: Name it.,"Arthur: Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it.","Sheldon: Oh, you’re not. You look awful.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re not. You look awful.","Arthur: Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me.",Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?,1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?,Arthur: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.",Arthur: Or a Korean family in Alhambra.,"Sheldon: But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?",Arthur: Sounds great.,"Sheldon: So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.",1
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.","Arthur: What, Whatever.",Sheldon: Father.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Raj: Anything can happen.,Leonard: It’s gonna get crazy.,Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Amy: ‘Cause last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: I’ve got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Raj: Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her.",Howard: Ready whenever you guys are.,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?",Leonard: Yeah?,Sheldon: I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.,"Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.","Sheldon: Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.","Leonard: See, Howard’s just as good a dungeon master as I am.","Sheldon: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Raj: You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.","Howard: We’ll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali’s bloody corpse, and says, (Raj voice) don’t worry, buddies, ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. (Nicolas Cage voice) Well, I’m just a tree, but if I were you, I’d listen to your ghost friend.","Sheldon: Go on, give him your lunch money.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Leonard: I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.,"Howard: Uh, it does. (Creaking sound)","Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!","Leonard: Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)","Sheldon: Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Penny: Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.",Amy: You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.","Leonard: No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.","Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?","Leonard: What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.","Sheldon: Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Penny: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.","Leonard: So, what do you say?",Sheldon: I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Scene: Later, the same.","Penny: Okay, who wants a drink?","Sheldon: Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Leonard: Double potion, please.","Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!","Sheldon: Okay, literal goose bumps. Look.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Howard: What do you do?,Leonard: I draw my broadsword.,Sheldon: I ready my quarter-staff.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Howard: Uh, fifteen or higher.","Penny: Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.","Sheldon: Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Bernadette: Come on, mama wants a pair of dead ogres.","Howard: Seventeen, the larger ogre is dead. The-the other ogre says, you killed my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.",Sheldon: That is amazing. He made me care about the ogre.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano.",Sheldon: Yay!,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Yay!,"Howard: But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.","Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?","Howard: Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.",Sheldon: The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Amy: Here we go. Fifteen?,Howard: It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground.,Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?,Howard: Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Bernadette: This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.","Howard: Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.",Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.,"Amy: Sheldon, they’re talking about sex.","Sheldon: Oh, then I’m out.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?",Amy: I don’t like this.,Sheldon: You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",Amy: What?,Sheldon: I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.,Amy: You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.,Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.,Amy: I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.","Amy: Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?","Sheldon: Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.",Amy: And now?,Sheldon: And now what?,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: And now what?,Amy: Do you have any interest now?,Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.,Amy: Wow. Talk dirty to me.,"Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.","Amy: I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more.","Sheldon: More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.",Amy: Come on. Let’s go back out there.,"Sheldon: Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.",Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.",1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.",Amy: Oh.,Sheldon: What do you do?,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: What do you do?,Amy: I kiss you on the lips.,Sheldon: I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.,1
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.,Amy: I remove your armour. What do you do?,Sheldon: I erotically caress your (Rolls dice) nose.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Leonard: So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?","Raj: I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people.","Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.",Leonard: How’s that been working for you?,"Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Howard: Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.",Leonard: I have a job.,"Sheldon: Yes, he does. He caters to my every whim.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Howard: Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.","Leonard: He knows, wow.","Sheldon: Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?","Raj: Hey, don’t discourage him. This is a fantastic opportunity.","Sheldon: No one asked you, Uhura.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: No one asked you, Uhura.",Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?,Leonard: What do you think?,Sheldon: Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?,Leonard: Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.",Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone.,"Sheldon: I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?","Leonard: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.","Sheldon: Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn’t change anything. I should have opened with that, huh?",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Howard (in Raj accent): Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.","Leonard: There’s beer in the fridge. Anyway, you guys really don’t need to make a big deal.","Sheldon: Leonard, you’re being selfish. We need to give you a proper send-off so we’ll have closure when you die at sea and crabs eat your face.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Amy: And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.,"Raj: The only person allowed inside this head is Dr. Phil. Anyway, I, I spoke to my new lady friend about meeting you all, and she thought it would be easier for her to start with just one.","Sheldon: Oh, gee, I don’t know. My schedule’s a little busy.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Raj: Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?,"Amy: A, that was not a joke, that was a sincere request. And B, more importantly, I was the outsider to this group, and I know how frightening that can be. But you guys took me in and made me feel loved, like I was family.","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Raj: We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.,Scene: A store.,"Sheldon: This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.","Penny: Yeah, it does, and here we are.","Sheldon: You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.","Penny: Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.","Penny: Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out.","Sheldon: It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.","Penny: Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard.",Sheldon: I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.,"Penny: Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job.",Sheldon: It was you.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: It was you.,"Penny: It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair…",Sheldon: You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.,"Penny: I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do.",Sheldon: They lie so they don’t look petty.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: They lie so they don’t look petty.,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: How?,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: How?,Penny: Like this. I am so happy for you.,Sheldon: Wow. No wonder you didn’t get that toothpaste commercial.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Amy: Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.","Raj: She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay?","Sheldon: Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.","Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say.","Sheldon: Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Penny: Cheers.,Howard: It was really nice of you to try to be happy for Leonard.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Penny: Raj, I’m so sorry.","Amy: Me, too.",Sheldon: It did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.,1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Leonard: Yep. I’m really gonna miss you.,"Penny: I’m gonna miss you, too.","Sheldon: Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Penny: Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…","Leonard: Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good.","Sheldon: All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.",Leonard: Would you just relax?,"Sheldon: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Leonard: I’m covered.,Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Leonard: Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.,"Penny: Oh, Leonard.","Sheldon: It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.",1
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Penny: I love you.,"Leonard: I love you, too.","Sheldon: Don’t worry, Officer. They just love each other. We’re not smuggling drugs.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important.",Leonard: What is it?,"Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.",Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?","Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here.","Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?",Leonard: What was what?,"Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.","Leonard: Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)",Sheldon: No!,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: No!,Scene: Penny’s apartment door.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. ",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. ",Penny: What’s the matter?,"Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.","Penny: Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?","Sheldon: To be honest, I did.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: To be honest, I did.",Penny: Aw.,Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.,Penny: Good night.,"Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.",Penny: You know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you.,Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Howard: I’m proud of you.,"Raj: Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good.","Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.",Raj: Is that true?,"Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Howard: Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.,"Raj: Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?","Sheldon: I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.",Penny: Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?,Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.,Penny: Mmm.,Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table),1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table),"Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot.","Sheldon: Well, I try.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, I try.","Penny: All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with.",Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.,Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?",Penny: Why?,"Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Bernadette: You’re right. Thank you.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.,Penny: Really? Why?,Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.,"Penny: So that means I lose, right? It’s over?","Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.","Penny: Okay, let’s take a break. ",Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.,"Penny: I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.","Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.",Penny: I’m calling him.,"Sheldon: Oh, goodie, put him on speaker phone.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Penny: Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.",Leonard: Best time of my life. ,Sheldon: Isn’t it five thirty in the morning there?,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Random voice: Iceberg!,"Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on.",Sheldon: Are you in danger?,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!,"Penny: Leonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk.",Sheldon: You were.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?,Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?,Penny: No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.,Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.,"Penny: Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting?","Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?","Penny: No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.","Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.",Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?","Penny: Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.","Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.",Penny: He did?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Yes.,"Penny: Oh, that’s really sweet.","Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.","Penny: Well, now I miss him even more.","Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.",Penny: Thanks.,"Sheldon: Oh, seriously?",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Raj: Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.,Penny: Come on. It’s still early. Let’s do something.,"Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.",Penny: How about we just talk?,Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…,"Penny: No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.",Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.,"Penny: Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.",Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.,Penny: How about I go first?,"Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.","Penny: Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.",Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.,"Penny: Oh, God.","Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.",Penny: That’s your big revelation?,"Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.","Penny: Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed.",Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.,Penny: What did I do?,"Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.",1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.","Penny: I, I didn’t think it was a big deal.",Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.,"Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.",Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.,Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?,Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?,1
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?,Penny: Come on.,Sheldon: Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,,Scene: The stairwell,Sheldon: And here’s another interesting weather fact.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: And here’s another interesting weather fact.,Penny: Another? Great.,"Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.","Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere.","Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.","Penny: You know, I will miss this.","Sheldon: I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.",Penny: I won’t.,Sheldon: That criticism will come later in your report card.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Credits sequence.,Scene: The comic book store.,"Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.","Stuart: Happy to, unless it’s hope or a reason to live.","Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.","Stuart: Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.","Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.","Stuart: Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector.",Sheldon: I’m a real collector. How rare is it?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I’m a real collector. How rare is it?,"Stuart: Oh, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun?",Sheldon: Don’t try and trick me into buying something I don’t want. Now let’s talk Aquaman. ,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Howard: I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.,"Raj: Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.",Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.,"Stuart: All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this.","Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.","Stuart: Ooh, yeah, I don’t know. This squirt gun, it’s, uh, it’s pretty rare.",Sheldon: Oh.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Pizza guy: Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.","Penny: Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.","Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. ",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. ",Penny: That’s nice.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.","Penny: Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so…","Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.","Penny: Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!","Sheldon: What, now, do you have company?",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: What, now, do you have company?","Penny: No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so…","Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it.",Penny: Well…,"Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.","Penny: Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom.","Sheldon: That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?","Penny: Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.",Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question. ,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question. ,Penny: Oh. ,Sheldon: That’s odd.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: That’s odd.,"Penny: Um, what?",Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can.,Penny: So? That’s my dinner from last night.,Sheldon: What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.,"Penny: Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself.","Sheldon: Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!",Penny: What?,Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun?",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.","Sheldon: Yes, I am.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Yes, I am.",Amy: Then what does tweepadock mean?,"Sheldon: Uh, elephant?",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Uh, elephant?",Amy: Lucky guess.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.,Amy: What happened?,Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.,Amy: What?,"Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.",Amy: I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.",Amy: You’re being ridiculous.,"Sheldon: Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy listening at Penny’s door.,Amy: Do you hear anything?,Sheldon: I hear a woman’s voice.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I hear a woman’s voice.,Amy: Is it Penny?,"Sheldon: No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.","Amy: Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like.","Sheldon: There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.",Amy: Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard.,"Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)","Amy: No, Sheldon, don’t.",Sheldon: Aha. ,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Aha. ,Penny: What the hell?,Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Leonard?,"Penny: Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that. ","Sheldon: Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I should’ve told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.","Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.",Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Penny: No, he doesn’t.",Leonard: I actually have used those exact words before. In that order.,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.",Leonard: The what?,Sheldon: Amy?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Amy?,Amy: Please leave me out of this.,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.","Leonard: Come on, I said I was sorry.","Sheldon: No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Penny: It was fine.,"Leonard: Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh?",Sheldon: You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Amy: Hello, sailor.","Penny: Ooh, now we’re talking.","Sheldon: Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I’m wearing this year. Amy, you’re going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Good morning.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?,Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.,Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?,"Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.",Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.,"Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.","Leonard: No, I don’t.","Sheldon: Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.","Leonard: I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell.","Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?",Leonard: Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t?,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.","Leonard: Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?",Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.,Leonard: Fine. What I did was wrong.,Sheldon: I wish I could believe you.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I wish I could believe you.,"Leonard: You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying.","Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.",Leonard: Stop it.,Sheldon: Keep it up?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Keep it up?,Leonard: Bye.,Sheldon: Hello. So I guess you’re really holding up the other four fingers?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Amy: Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.","Penny: I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good.",Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.,"Penny: Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.",Sheldon: You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.,Penny: Sheldon.,Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?,"Amy: Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…","Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. ",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. ",Amy: Really?,Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.,Amy: You want to take the bus to work?,Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Leonard: So now we’re just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising.","Howard: That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.","Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas.",Leonard: You know what? You’re a crazy person.,"Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.",Howard: Stop it.,Sheldon: Or a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Howard: So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: I suppose so.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Raj: Uh, it wasn’t anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures. ",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.",Penny: I’m so glad you guys are friends again.,"Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.",Penny: Aw.,"Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.",1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.",Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil.,Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.,1
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.,"Raj: Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.",Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were meaning to do that.","Raj: No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.","Sheldon: I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Raj: Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.",Leonard: Great. ,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Leonard: Aw.,Howard: Why?,Sheldon: Come on.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: We did them at Princeton, too.","Howard: Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.","Sheldon: That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Amy: Yeah, me, too.","Various: I’m in, let’s do it.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: What’s all this?,"Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.",Leonard: You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley?,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.","Raj: Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.",Sheldon: He is a born showman.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?",Leonard: It’s not funny.,"Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. ",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. ",Leonard: Ha-ha.,"Sheldon: Oh, see? Now he gets it.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.","Penny: No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!",Sheldon: Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: Penny’s apartment. (Montage with scenes in the apartment and Leonard’s bedroom) ,"Penny: All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.","Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.","Raj (over walkie-talkie): All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.",Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.,"Penny: Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Bernadette: Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.","Penny: Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.",Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.,"Penny: But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on.","Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?","Penny: Okay, it’s not gonna say that.","Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Bernadette: Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.","Penny: It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.",Sheldon: It’s the comic book store.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Raj: Oh.,"Penny: Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up.","Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.",Penny: People run in a marathon.,Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.",Penny: Riddle me this…,Sheldon: Got it.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: Got it.,"Penny: Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.",Sheldon: I thought we were the Lightning Sharks.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: The geology lab at the University. ,"Penny: Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.",Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.,"Penny: Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?","Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.",Penny: Wow. I can drink a beer underwater.,"Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…",Penny: Shut up. I solved it.,Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.,"Penny: Well, wait. Don’t you want to know how I figured it out?","Sheldon: No one likes a know-it-all, Penny.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Together: Today! Today!,Scene: Penny’s car.,"Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.","Penny: Okay. Oh, it’s a bowling alley.",Sheldon: Yes. Yes. My brain is better than everybody’s.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: Yeah, Penny might be onto something.",Scene: Penny’s car. ,Sheldon: To the planetarium.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: The laundry room.,"Penny: Three bags, no one’s opened ’em. we’re the first ones here.",Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.,Penny: What? Why me?,Sheldon: Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Leonard: Why would you do that?,"Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.",Sheldon: I’m not a child. I know the word ninny.,1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Bernadette: Wish I had a man like her on my team.,"Leonard: Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.","Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.",Penny: Oh.,"Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.","Leonard: This one is, too.","Sheldon: No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Bernadette: Maybe the spot’s the clue.,Penny: Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.",1
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.",Penny (off): Hurry.,Sheldon: Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these.,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: So what’d you think?,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: So what’d you think?,Amy: It was good.,Sheldon: That’s it? Good”,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: That’s it? Good”,"Amy: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.","Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.",Amy: It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem.,"Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.","Amy: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.","Sheldon: Oh, I see your confusion. You don’t understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Raj: Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it’s one of the questions. And thank you, I’d kill for that woman’s bone structure.",Leonard: Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice?,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Howard: Because her life wasn’t enough?,"Raj: Wait, how can, how can anyone ruin Raiders? It’s perfect.","Sheldon: Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the Nazis find the ark, open it and die.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Whatcha doin’?,"Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.",Leonard: So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?,Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.,Leonard: Mm-hmm. And?,"Sheldon: And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?",Leonard: Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be.,"Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.","Leonard: Sorry, buddy.","Sheldon: Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.",Leonard: I’ll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.,"Sheldon: Wait, hang on. You’ve spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she’s fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn’t noticed?",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon. Is everything okay?",Sheldon: Yes. Why?,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: Yes. Why?,"Amy: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.","Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.",Amy: So what can I do for you?,Sheldon: I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.,Amy: Really?,"Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.",Amy: That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together?,"Sheldon: Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?",Amy: Of course I’m in.,"Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.","Amy: Good night, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.,"Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.",Amy: You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.,"Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.","Amy: Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.","Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.","Amy: Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.","Sheldon: Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.",1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.",Amy: I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: Do you feel better?,Sheldon: Yes. But not as good as I’m going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn’t have a job.,1
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: Wait, wait, if it wasn’t for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse. ",Sheldon: That’s true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching. Somebody’s having date night.",Amy: It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.",Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?,"Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.","Amy: Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you.","Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.",Amy: I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool. ,"Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.","Amy: So, you’re okay with this?","Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?","Amy: Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.","Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?","Amy: Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Really?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.",Amy: I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.,"Sheldon: Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Scene: The apartment. ,Howard: Are you crazy? You don’t want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam.,Sheldon: Why not? Hairy Fairy.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Howard: Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?,"Leonard: No, no, I think it’ll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby.",Sheldon: That’s a Raging Ogre.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.,"Howard: Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear.","Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.",Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that.,Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on Amy’s face when she hears my top-notch idea?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Bernadette: He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?",Amy: I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday.,"Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.",Amy: Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque. ,"Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.","Penny: Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.","Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.",Bernadette: He said what?,"Sheldon: Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. ",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. ","Bernadette: Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Amy: No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.","Penny: Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do.","Sheldon: Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Penny: That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.,"Amy: Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Really?,"Amy: Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.",Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?,Amy: More and more sure.,"Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.",Amy: I didn’t ask for your permission.,Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.,"Howard: No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.","Sheldon: Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Bernadette: Well?,"Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.","Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Bernadette: Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.,Howard: Bernie…,"Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: As you wish.,"Howard: I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you.","Sheldon: Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: Amy.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: That was kind of icy. You two okay?,"Sheldon: Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.",Leonard: Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj’s hair.,"Sheldon: Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.,Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.,"Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?","Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?","Sheldon: Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.",Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Scene: Amy’s lab.,"Amy: Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking.",Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?,"Amy: What do you want, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!","Amy: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better?","Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?",Amy: Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.,"Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.","Amy: I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor. ",Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.,"Amy: You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup.",Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?,Amy: You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.,Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.,Amy: Really? What tipped you off?,"Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…",Amy: Get out.,"Sheldon: Well, now, that.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, now, that.","Amy: Image number six, woman giving birth.",Sheldon: Bleugh!,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: It’s nine o’clock, where you been?","Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.","Penny: Oh, no.",Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?,Leonard: I did not.,"Sheldon: Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.",Penny: Why’d you get that? You hate lamb.,"Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.",Leonard: I thought Amy was gonna drive you home.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.","Penny: Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?","Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?",Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: But you didn’t even hear the details.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: But you didn’t even hear the details.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong.",Sheldon: But you don’t even know…,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: But you don’t even know…,Leonard: Doesn’t matter.,"Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence…",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence…",Leonard: Doesn’t matter.,Sheldon: You’re not listening to my side of it.,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: You’re not listening to my side of it.,"Penny: Okay, fine, Sheldon. What is your side?",Sheldon: Well…,1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Howard: Thanks for getting me in trouble.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.","Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?","Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?",Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away.",Amy: What do you want?,"Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.","Amy: Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.","Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.",Amy: What’s your point?,"Sheldon: My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.",1
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.","Amy: I like you, too.","Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid. She just doesn’t see it.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory,Penny: What are you working on?,Sheldon: Can’t talk. In the zone.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Bernadette: Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already.","Howard: Guys, listen up. ","Sheldon: Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.",Howard: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.,Sheldon: Really don’t care.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Raj: That is so beautiful.,Howard: Sheldon?,Sheldon: When did we get to the Cheesecake Factory?,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Penny: Yeah. Hey, how come you’ve never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?","Leonard: Well, for starters, you’ve broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?","Sheldon: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward. And back to the zone.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Leonard: That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?,Penny: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Zone.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.","Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.","Leonard: Nope, it was better before.","Sheldon: Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.","Leonard: Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element?","Sheldon: Did I? Well, that can’t be right. No one’s ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain…",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Howard: Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.",Raj: Fine. I will melt her heart. And her face.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks. ",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Howard: Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.","Raj: Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired.","Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.","Leonard: Sheldon, that’s incredible.","Sheldon: Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.","Howard: So, what happens next?","Sheldon: Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.",Leonard: Good to know.,"Sheldon: Now give me that cookie, I discovered an element.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Penny: Yeah, I’m trying to be sad about that. I can’t.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.",Amy: I don’t think the Smithsonian’s gonna want your marker. ,"Sheldon: And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m so proud of you.","Sheldon: Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.",Amy: What’s next?,Sheldon: This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…,Amy: And what?,"Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.",Amy: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.,Amy: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?",Amy: That Americans can’t handle the metric system?,"Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. ",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. ",Amy: But the Chinese team found the element.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.",Amy: So you just got lucky?,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.,"Amy: You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking.","Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.","Amy: You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.","Sheldon: Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Leonard:: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake.",Sheldon: There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. ,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. ,"Leonard: Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you. ","Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.","Leonard: Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.","Sheldon: You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.","Leonard: You don’t know what a sex tape is, do you?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Raj: It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.",Voice: There he is. (General applause) ,Sheldon: Stop it. Stop celebrating me.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: Stop it. Stop celebrating me.,Voice: Woo!,"Sheldon: And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.","Raj: Wait, I don’t understand. They didn’t find the element?","Sheldon: Oh, no, they found the element. (More applause) No, no, stop it. I don’t need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Leonard: Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.",Howard: I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her.,Sheldon: The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.,"Raj: Oh, that’s a big deal.",Sheldon: I know. When will this nightmare end?,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Leonard: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.",Amy: I’m not.,Sheldon: You’re not?,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: You’re not?,"Amy: Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.",Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.,"Penny: Damn it, everyone’s better at this than me.","Sheldon: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler. You just made the fort.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Amy: Poor Bernadette.,"Leonard: Oh, no.","Sheldon: I hate to pile on the bad news, but I just got a raise.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Bernadette: Howie.,"Amy: Sheldon, get over here.",Sheldon: She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day?,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Amy: Sheldon.,"Howard (singing): If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.","Sheldon: Is it me, or does she not look so good?",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"All: Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.","Bernadette: Howie, that was amazing. Look, I’m shaking.","Sheldon: She’s sick, I knew it. Bye.",1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Penny: Oh, yeah, just the first one. I didn’t save them all.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you.,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you.,Amy: Me? What did I do?,Sheldon: You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you. ,1
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you. ,Amy: Sorry.,"Sheldon: Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth. Like mommies and daddies do.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Amy: I’ve never seen him this happy before.,Leonard: That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.,Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash. ,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash. ,"Leonard: Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.","Sheldon: Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?","Leonard: Oh, yeah.","Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.","Leonard: Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him.","Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.",Leonard: He thinks there’s a difference.,"Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.","Arthur: Trust me, I, I remember.","Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Arthur: Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?","Leonard: No, she’s not.","Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled?",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled?",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Arthur: I wasn’t going to tell you.,"Amy: Sheldon, come on.","Sheldon: No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Arthur: Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, let’s go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.","Sheldon: But I’m hanging out with my friend, and we’re having fun. Look how happy he is.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Howard: How is that possible?,"Leonard: Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton.",Sheldon: Goody. What’s it say?,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Goody. What’s it say?,"Leonard: He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it.","Sheldon: That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Howard: You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.,"Raj: Yeah, it’s nothing to cry about.",Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Howard: It’s true, you’d rust.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.,Amy: Is it really worth getting upset about?,"Sheldon: Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.","Amy: Come on, he’s a retired kids show host.",Sheldon: That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.,Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper?,"Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.","Amy: Maybe he found you, um, a bit much.","Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.","Amy: From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you…",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: What?,Amy: Doesn’t matter.,"Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.",Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I’m annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Penny: When did I have pistachios?,Scene: Professor Proton’s house. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.","Arthur: Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, did I wake you?",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, did I wake you?","Arthur: Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty.","Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.","Arthur: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.,Arthur: She sounds like a keeper.,"Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.","Arthur: All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night.","Sheldon: No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.","Arthur: Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.","Sheldon: Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.",Arthur: I should be so lucky.,"Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say?",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say?","Arthur: You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard.","Sheldon: It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. ",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. ",Arthur: Good night.,"Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. ",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. ",Arthur: You’re annoying.,"Sheldon: Well, that really hurt. ",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Arthur: If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.","Leonard: I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting.","Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.",Leonard: Why is it odd?,"Sheldon: Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Leonard: Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.",Bill: He said I’d be speaking to a class.,"Sheldon: No, I said you were teaching someone a lesson. Now let’s go.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Amy: They’re gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Arthur?,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Arthur?,"Arthur: Hi, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I’m surprised to see you here.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: I’m surprised to see you here.,"Arthur: Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.",Sheldon: I’ll get Leonard.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: I’ll get Leonard.,"Arthur: No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you.","Sheldon: If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.","Arthur: No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper.",Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour.,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour.,"Arthur: Oh. Uh, great.","Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.","Arthur: And, what did you think?","Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. ",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. ",Arthur: Mmm. Thank you.,"Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. ",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. ","Arthur: Oh, well, that, that means a lot to me.",Sheldon: Can I invite you in for tea?,1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Raj: And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?",1
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?",Leonard: He can’t help it. He can’t. He really can’t.,"Sheldon: Oh, wait here. I’ll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye’s house. As long as I’m not within 500 feet of it.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Penny: What window?,Leonard: That one over there.,"Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?",Leonard: Skee-Ball tickets?,"Sheldon: Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Leonard: Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.","Penny: Ooh, what are you gonna get?","Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.","Leonard: Yup, oh, here you go.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Penny: Aw, did she hate you?","Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.",Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?,"Leonard: Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there.","Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.","Leonard: No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.","Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.","Leonard: Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.",Sheldon: Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Penny: No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.","Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?","Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?","Leonard: I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: Okay.,"Leonard: I mean it, I’m going to.",Sheldon: I believe you.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I believe you.,Leonard: And you’re going to stay calm?,Sheldon: I said I would.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.","Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.",Leonard: When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?,Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.,"Leonard: Well, I don’t know how to do that.","Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.",Leonard: That’s stupid. Why?,Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. ,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. ,"Leonard: I’m telling you, try the hanger.",Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.,"Leonard: You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.","Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.",Leonard: Really?,"Sheldon: How those nipples feeling, chief?",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Leonard: It’s called proving a point.,Howard: Is the point that you’re an idiot?,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Howard: Hey, what’re you working on?",Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.,Howard: That’s a pretty cool idea.,Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.,Howard: Sure.,"Sheldon: This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one?",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Howard: You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.",Leonard: Or it’s resolved.,"Sheldon: Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.",Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.,Amy: Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing?,"Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?",Amy: I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?,"Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.",Amy: Seriously?,"Sheldon: Please. Ha-ha, Oh.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Raj: I love you, Penny.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?,"Amy: I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?",Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.,1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.,"Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.","Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?","Leonard: Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?","Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.","Leonard: Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.","Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.",Leonard: Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?,"Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.",1
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Leonard: Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!","Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.",Sheldon: I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Leonard: The math is all there. It’s not real.,"Penny: Yes, it is.","Sheldon: Yeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn’t do it.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?,"Howard: Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.","Sheldon: Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: Uh, we were actually gonna do it here.","Howard: Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.","Sheldon: Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.",Leonard: It’d actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.,"Sheldon: Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Raj: I’m in.,Howard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Do we really have to go to Mrs. Wolowitz’s house?,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: Do we really have to go to Mrs. Wolowitz’s house?,Amy: We do. And I expect you to be on your best behaviour.,Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.,Amy: Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz’s mom’s with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: No, they’re not.","Leonard: Yeah, they are.",Sheldon: He’s right.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Amy: They’re real.,Penny: But it didn’t seem real.,"Sheldon: Let me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side?",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Scene: Leonard’s car. ,"Amy: No traffic, we’re sailing.",Sheldon: Yes. Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: Yes. Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.,"Amy: Sheldon, that’s completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a slave.","Sheldon: Yes, Miss Amy.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Leonard: Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.",Penny: I will. Why are you making this such a big deal?,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: Great, well, what do I have to do?",Amy: It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?,Sheldon: Hah!Penny? Next.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Howard: You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.",Amy: Happy Thanksgiving.,"Sheldon: It smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know…",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: Ugh, I need some air.","Leonard: Wuh, Penny.","Sheldon: I don’t know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Leonard: Sure.,"Mike: I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?",Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.,Mike: How the hell do you know that?,Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Leonard: Come on.,Mike: What do you think they ought to do now?,"Sheldon: I would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Raj: My, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens.",Scene: The living room.,Sheldon: I don’t care for your mother’s bathroom. There’s not an angle to do one’s business without a clown figurine staring at you.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: That’s why I sit.,"Mike: Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?",Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.,"Mike: I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.",Sheldon: So was my dad. And then he did.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: Thank God.,"Mike: So, does your dad still live in Texas?",Sheldon: No. He died when I was 14.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: No. He died when I was 14.,Mike: I’m sorry to hear that.,Sheldon: So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: Here you go.,"Mike: Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.","Sheldon: No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Sheldon: No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.","Mike: Well, you’re having one with me.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Mike: To your dad.,"Howard: I never had a beer with my dad, either.",Sheldon: Do you mind? We’re having a moment here.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did somebody say pie?,"Mike: I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.","Sheldon: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Mike: Me, too.","Bernadette: Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.",Sheldon: She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.,"Amy: All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.","Sheldon: Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: Don’t worry about it.,Amy: Thank you.,Sheldon: Ain’t she great? ,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Mike: Mmm.,Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Now, how’s about you get us a couple of beers?",1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Raj: Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favourite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.","Mike: Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?",Sheldon: This is a Jewish house. I don’t think they have pigskin.,1
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Howard: Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.","Mike: Well, I’m drunk.",Sheldon: I just vomited on a lot of clowns.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Scene: A radio studio.,"Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.","Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.","Ira: So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Yes.,Ira: And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.,Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.,"Ira: It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.",Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?,"Ira: That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.","Sheldon: Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.","Amy: I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Leonard: Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.,"Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.","Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.","Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.",Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Howard: For a whole week, the nerve of some people.",Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is playing with his train set.,"Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.","Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?",Sheldon: Do you have cookies?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Do you have cookies?,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?,"Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while.",Sheldon: Why are you here?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Why are you here?,"Wil: Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?","Sheldon: Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.","Wil: Yeah, I know a little something about that.","Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.","Wil: I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.",Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?,"Wil: Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.","Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Amy: Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so… ","Wil: I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.",Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.,Wil: Good.,Sheldon: Would you two like to stay and play trains with me?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Wil: Sure.,Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.",Wil:Can I blow the whistle?,Sheldon: You should probably go.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Raj: There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.","Leonard: Hey, you’re in a good mood.",Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.,"Leonard: Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.","Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.","Leonard: Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Really?,Leonard: Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.,Sheldon: So no more interviews?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: So no more interviews?,"Leonard: No, it’s all over.",Sheldon: I can’t believe it.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I can’t believe it.,"Leonard: Well, you’re welcome.",Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.","Leonard: I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.","Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.","Leonard: Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.","Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,","Penny: Hey, what’s with all the yelling?",Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.,"Penny: Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled, ","Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.","Penny: He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right?","Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.","Leonard: The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.","Sheldon: Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Leonard: Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.,"Penny: Actually, I get what he’s saying.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.","Penny: It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.","Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.","Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.","Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.","Leonard: Fine, I’ll publish.",Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Leonard: Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.",Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.,"Leonard: These things happen all the time, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Barry: It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.","Leonard: Okay, Barry, that’s enough.","Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.","Barry: Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.","Sheldon: You’re right, That was uncalled for. I take it back.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Raj: I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again. ",Penny: Bark once if you need me to call PETA.,Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?,"Leonard: Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out.","Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.","Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better…",Sheldon: It probably won’t.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Penny: You’re probably right.,"Amy: Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?","Sheldon: Oh, everything is just sex with you isn’t it?",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Ira: I’m Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I’d like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen.",Leonard: Thanks.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.",Ira: It’s all right.,"Sheldon: Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Ira: No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?",Leonard: Well…,Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.,Leonard: He asked me.,Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Fine.,Leonard: As I was saying…,"Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.","Ira: You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.",Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?,1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Ira: Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.","Leonard: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me.","Sheldon: Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio.",1
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Penny (listening in her apartment): You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.","Amy: A little early for alcohol, isn’t it?","Sheldon: You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Leonard: Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next?","Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.",Leonard: Where?,Sheldon: Texas.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Amy: Right now? Why?,Leonard: Is someone sick?,Sheldon: Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.,"Penny: Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.","Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.",Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant?,"Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?","Leonard: Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister.",Sheldon: Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.,"Penny: Wow, so, how long will you be gone?","Sheldon: Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?",Amy: Can I give you a ride to the airport?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Bernadette: Hi.,Stuart: Hello.,Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? ,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? ,"Amy: Yeah, kinda.",Sheldon: That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.,"Penny: Hey, how’s your sister?",Sheldon: <i>She went into labor an hour ago.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: <i>She went into labor an hour ago.,Amy: That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital?,"Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.","Raj: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.",Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.,"Mrs Cooper (off): Shelly, come on. Your sister’s fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there’s blood everywhere.","Sheldon: Oh, boy. I picked the wrong day to wear my good robot T-shirt.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Leonard: The end.,"Amy (Tablet ringing): Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay?","Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.",Amy: Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look.,Sheldon: Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.,Mrs Cooper (off): Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.,Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I’m the janitor of my sister’s birth canal.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Fantasy sequence in the Laundry Room.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Doing laundry?,"Sheldon: Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I’m in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Fantasy sequence. ,"Penny: So, what do you think?","Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.","Penny: Please, Sheldon. I need you.",Sheldon: To what?,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: To what?,Penny: To take me.,Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.,"Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.","Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time, I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud. ",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Stuart: I was okay with it.,"Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Actually, much better.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Actually, much better.","Leonard: Oh, good. Is the baby born yet?",Sheldon: I don’t know. I just got back. ,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I don’t know. I just got back. ,Amy: Where’d you go?,"Sheldon: My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I’m on the phone. So rude.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Stuart: I’ll stop now.,"Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?",Sheldon: That’s it. The baby’s here. It’s a boy.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Amy: Yay.,Raj: Congrats.,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.","Leonard: Well, good for you, buddy. We’ll let you get back in there.","Sheldon: Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Howard: Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.","Amy: Come on, Sheldon, you should go.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Why?,"Amy: Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew.","Sheldon: Ugh, all right, I’ll go. But from what I’ve seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Amy: That’s fine, she’s dead.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: You okay?,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: You okay?,Amy: Just really glad you’re back.,"Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on.",Amy: I missed you.,"Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know.",1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know.",Amy: Did you miss me?,Sheldon: I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.,Amy: Oh.,Sheldon: Or instead of me.,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Or instead of me.,Amy: Did you hold the baby?,Sheldon: I did. ,1
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I did. ,Amy: And? How did it make you feel?,"Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn’t begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: Absolutely.,Amy: Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?,"Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don’t have to.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: What? That’s great. Guys.,"Howard: Oh, yeah","Sheldon: Yay, Penny.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Raj: I don’t see why not. ,"Howard: If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.",Sheldon: Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.,Leonard: It’s a joke.,"Sheldon: I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Raj: Can we bring anything?,"Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.","Sheldon: Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. ",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. ",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I’m funny?",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I’m funny?",Leonard: No. Do you?,Sheldon: I think I’m hysterical.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: I think I’m hysterical.,Leonard: I take it back. That was funny.,Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. ,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. ,Leonard: I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut.,"Sheldon: Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.","Leonard: You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem.","Sheldon: Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.",Leonard: Are you set on people laughing with you? ‘Cause if you’re cool with at you…,Sheldon: I don’t get it.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Penny: We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet.,"Leonard: I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts.","Sheldon: I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.",Amy: Why?,Sheldon: I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.,Amy: Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: What’s wrong?,"Penny: Well, the diner scene. Where’s my diner scene?","Sheldon: Well, don’t ask me. Until I see the prequel, I’m lost.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Raj: I’m sure you were great.,"Penny: This doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I… Excuse me.",Sheldon: I’ve been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let’s tickle some ribs.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: Should’ve let Sheldon come.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise. ",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise. ","Amy: Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their…",Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!,"Amy: Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny.",Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.,"Amy: Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological… (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that’s pretty good.",Sheldon: Excellent.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Stuart: We’ll find somebody else.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Kumquat?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Kumquat?,Amy: I guess.,Sheldon: Ointment?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Ointment?,Amy: Sure.,"Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?",Amy: I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore.,Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.,"Amy: Sheldon, how many words are you gonna go through?",Sheldon: All of them.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: That is not what I said.,"Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table.",Sheldon: Who’s in the mood to laugh?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Who’s in the mood to laugh?,Leonard: Really not a good time.,Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Leonard: Penny, don’t.","Penny: No, no, I just need to be alone.","Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?",Leonard: To my room.,Sheldon: Should I follow you?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Should I follow you?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Stuart: Smooth.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Can’t sleep?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Can’t sleep?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?,"Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes.",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Why not?,Leonard: That’s a good question.,Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?,Leonard: I don’t know.,Sheldon: Why don’t you ask her?,1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Why don’t you ask her?,Leonard: Because I’m afraid to know the answer.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry.",Leonard: That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?,"Sheldon: No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.",1
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.",Leonard: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?,Sheldon: No. That wouldn’t be funny at all.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,,Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: It’s an outrage.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: It’s an outrage.,Leonard: I know.,"Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.","Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.","Leonard: Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days.",Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.,"Leonard: Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.","Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?",Leonard: It doesn’t.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: I’m gonna go talk to Penny. ,"Sheldon: I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.",Leonard: No. You’re on vacation.,Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?,Leonard: Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?,Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.,Leonard: Bye.,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Please.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Please.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.,"Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, stay.",Sheldon: But.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Scene: The stairwell.,"Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: You okay?,Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?,Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?,Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.,"Penny: Oh. Well, good boy.",Sheldon: Where are you going?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Where are you going?,"Penny: Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.","Sheldon: Well, have fun.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Well, have fun.",Penny: Okay. You want to come with me?,Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Scene: Penny’s car.,"Voice: Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.",Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.,"Voice: Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.",Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.,Voice: In. ,Sheldon: Let me guess.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Let me guess.,Voice: And out.,Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?,Penny: I didn’t get it.,"Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.",Penny: Do you think quitting my job was a mistake?,Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?,Penny: No. I’m serious.,Sheldon: Why do you ask?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Why do you ask?,Penny: Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are. ",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are. ",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.",Penny: Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?,"Sheldon: Because he’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Scene: The apartment. Penny and Sheldon are doing yoga.,"Penny: And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.",Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.,"Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re gonna get to do that today.",Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Penny: And now we go to Reverse Warrior.,Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?,"Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.","Penny: Sheldon, take a break.",Sheldon: Namaste.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.","Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.",Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.,Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?,"Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Penny?,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?","Leonard: For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.",Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.,"Penny: Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot.","Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22. ",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: I swear, I am on your side. ","Penny: You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it.","Sheldon: He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it?",1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.","Penny: Well, it’s scary for me, too.",Sheldon: I’m fine with it.,1
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. ",Penny: Okay. Thank you.,"Sheldon: Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Raj: Oh, it all comes down to this.","Leonard: Oh, I’ve got butterflies.","Sheldon: Don’t get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: T Minus 45 seconds.,"Leonard: They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes…","Sheldon: Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: T-minus 30 seconds.,"Raj: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad.","Sheldon: Every year. I told you, wear a diaper.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Leonard: Well, this is it, this is it. This is it.","Howard: Five, four, three, two, one. ","Sheldon: It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.",Raj: Anyone in?,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: Not yet. ,Howard: Nope.,Sheldon: Do not stop refreshing your screens.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Penny: To be cool? Yeah.,"Leonard: I did it, I did it, I’m in the queue.",Sheldon: Yay! And they say firefighters are the real heroes.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: Really?,"Leonard: Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left.","Sheldon: Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.",Leonard: Sunday’s gone.,"Sheldon: Not Sunday, I love Sunday.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: Yeah.,Howard: I can’t believe we’re not going.,"Sheldon: It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.","Penny: Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.",Sheldon: I can’t believe we wasted all that time on our Hulk costumes.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Penny: And we’re back to the first kind of sad.,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention.","Leonard: Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us.","Sheldon: I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.,Howard: I already found a guy online who’s willing to sell.,Sheldon: How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.,"Howard: Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention.","Sheldon: You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon (on phone): Yes, I’m starting my own comic book convention, and I thought that your client, Robert Downey Jr., would be perfect to appear on our first panel. Oh, well, now, why are you saying no? You haven’t even asked him yet. You know, excuse me, but I sat through Iron Man 2. I believe he owes me two hours of his time. They hung up on me.","Leonard: Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie?",Sheldon: I didn’t even get to that part.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: I didn’t even get to that part.,"Leonard: Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time.","Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.","Leonard: Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you.",Sheldon: You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.,Leonard: Good luck.,"Sheldon: No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, ’cause, legally, I’m not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, ’cause I hear he can be pretty nuts.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Leonard: Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us.","Howard: Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.",Leonard: Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape?,"Sheldon: I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.",Raj: How are you gonna get James Earl Jones?,"Sheldon: Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and…",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don’t be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You’re gonna get in trouble.","Sheldon: You’re the ones who are going to get in trouble. You’re buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I’m warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum… ",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Scene: A sushi restaurant.,"James Earl Jones: Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I’ve been in other movies. But you don’t care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me?","Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.","James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie.","Sheldon: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Scene: The sushi restaurant.,"James: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.","Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn’t, was he?",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn’t, was he?",James: He was not. How messed up was that?,Sheldon: So messed up.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Howard: I lied about the Pepto, I always use the little cup.",Scene: An ice cream parlour.,"Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?",James: It is true.,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?,James: They sure did.,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?,James: That’s right.,"Sheldon: Oh, James, I could listen to your stories all night.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Howard: Oh, God, I could really use exactly two tablespoons of Pepto right now.",Scene: A big wheel.,"Sheldon: Hey, Los Angeles. I’m on a Ferris Wheel with Darth Vader. And he’s nicer than you think.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,James: I am.,Scene: A karaoke bar.,"Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…","James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…","Sheldon: Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…",Sceme: Outside a house.,Sheldon: I don’t understand what we’re doing.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: I don’t understand what we’re doing.,James: Shh.,Sheldon: Whose house is this?,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Scene: A sauna.,"James: Ah, Sheldon, this is the perfect end to a perfect night.",Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke.,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke.,James: What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?,Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?,James: No. Something about a convention.,"Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.",1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.",James: Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?,Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Really?,"James: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night. ",Sheldon: Ay-yi-yi. ,1
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Scene: The same, later.","James: So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando’s shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool… hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, who’s Angie Dickinson?",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.",Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list. ,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list. ,"Amy: I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable.","Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.","Amy: We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.","Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.","Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.","Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.",Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.,"Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.","Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not?","Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.","Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.","Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.",Amy: I got you your own room. ,Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?,Amy: It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.,"Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.",Amy: We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.,Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.,Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.,"Sheldon: Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Leonard: Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs.",Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.,"Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?","Howard: I’m sorry, what?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.",Howard: I don’t own a pocket watch.,"Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The Pullman dining car.,"Amy: What do you think, Sheldon?",Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.,Amy: I’m so glad you like it.,"Sheldon: I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The dining car.,"Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?","Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?","Waiter: I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food.","Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Amy: Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.","Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.",Sheldon: Get out of town.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch.,Scene: The dining car.,"Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.",Man: Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. ,"Sheldon: It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Man: I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.,Amy: See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud.,Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?,Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.,Sheldon: Wow. Your life’s amazing.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an accident.,Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.,Sheldon: You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The dining car.,"Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?",Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.,Man: Or was there? ,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: What?,"Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.",Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four? ,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Howard: A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.","Man: Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.","Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Waiter: Better than you think.,"Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.",Sheldon: I never want this day to end.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I never want this day to end.,Amy: It’s feeling like it never will.,Sheldon: Come on.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Bernadette: Sorry.,Man: You guys missed a pretty great time. ,Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. ,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. ,Man: It was crazy. ,"Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Bernadette: Let’s go.,Amy: Why are you still here?,Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.,Amy: I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening.,Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.,"Man: I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?",Sheldon: I get it.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I get it.,Amy: Leave.,Sheldon: What is your problem?,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: What is your problem?,Amy: It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?","Amy: Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.","Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.",Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.",Amy: That was nice.,"Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.","Amy: Okay, have fun.",Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I’d known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s hysterical. She’ll love it.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Leonard: Oh, hey. You’re back. How was your trip?",Sheldon: It was wonderful. ,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: It was wonderful. ,Leonard: Great. What did you do?,"Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.","Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.","Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.",1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.","Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you?",Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.,"Leonard: Well, give it a go.",Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.,1
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.,Leonard: Additional data. You dog.,"Sheldon: I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Howard: He said it.,"Bernadette: Guys, you’re being childish.","Sheldon: Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Penny: Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.","Leonard: Oh, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: You’ll get ’em next time.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Amy: Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.,"Raj: Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.",Sheldon: No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Leonard: I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.","Penny: Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?",Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?,"Howard: Hey, how come we never get that option?","Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us?","Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.","Leonard: Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working?","Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.",Leonard: Are you really gonna sit here all day?,"Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.","Leonard: If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway.","Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.",Leonard: I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it.,"Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.","Leonard: Oh, hang on. Check your in-box.",Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.,Leonard: Huh?,"Sheldon: But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.",Leonard: Nary an argument? Nary?,"Sheldon: Well, that means not one, or not any. Maybe instead of a table, you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window.",Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.,"Penny: Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it.",Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.,"Penny: Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair shot.","Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?",Leonard: We’re not.,"Sheldon: What about the roommate agreement? It specifically states that any changes in furnishing have to be approved by the Furnishing Committee. Which only sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the way, it sits over there.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Penny: Yes.,Leonard: That.,Sheldon: Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Penny: Me?,"Leonard: Well, it’s always me, take one for the team.","Sheldon: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Leonard: Fancy sounds like a compliment.,"Penny: Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you.",Sheldon: That’s not true.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: That’s not true.,"Penny: Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.",Sheldon: She told you?,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Penny: Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.","Leonard: You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.","Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.","Leonard: Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked.","Sheldon: No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Penny: Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.,"Leonard: Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog.",Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, wait.","Sheldon: No. You’ve opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate, open-minded person. And that stops now.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Penny: Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.","Amy: I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?","Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.","Amy: Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me.",Sheldon: It doesn’t?,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: It doesn’t?,Amy: Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.,"Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?","Amy: All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on?",Sheldon: It is hideous.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: It is hideous.,"Amy: Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey.",Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?,Amy: Of course I was.,Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?,"Amy: I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.",Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?,"Amy: I think you’d be smart enough to see that, too.","Sheldon: Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time, I just had to be sure.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Bernadette: You’re right, it’s great.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Leonard: Oh, hey. You guys didn’t break up.","Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.",Amy: Which you also figured out by yourself.,Sheldon: Which I also figured out by myself.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Which I also figured out by myself.,"Penny: Well, I’m glad you’re still together.","Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.",Amy: Which is stronger than ever.,"Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.","Howard: But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.",Sheldon: Um.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Um.,Amy: You don’t need to explain yourself to him.,Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you!,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you!,Amy: You’re sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.,Sheldon: Keep the table. We don’t use that space.,1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Bernadette: Yeah, it’s fun up here.",Leonard: So why are you trying to ruin it?,"Sheldon: No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.",1
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Raj: Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.,Howard: You mean tings like moo-stache?,"Sheldon: Well, isn’t this nice. Sometimes the baby wins.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Howard: Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.",Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?,Sheldon: How about Penny’s depressing acting career?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Penny: Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.,Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.,Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in.,"Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.",Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.,"Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.","Sheldon: Am I missing something, or isn’t that the part she was born to play?",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Leonard: I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.",Amy: I think we’re gonna go.,Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.,"Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do.","Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Amy: I think we’re gonna go.,"Leonard: No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.","Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.",Howard: I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here.,"Sheldon: I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Raj: Ha-a-a. Still funny.,Bernadette: That was ten years ago.,"Sheldon: Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Howard: The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.,Raj: I was there. It was funny.,"Sheldon: In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Hello.,"Howard: Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends.",Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.,"Howard: Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off.",Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward?,"Howard: Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other.","Sheldon: That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.","Howard: Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre.",Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?,Howard: No.,Sheldon: I’m glad because I would not have seen that coming.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Raj: Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.",Scene: Penny’s car.,Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy.,"Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. Is everything okay?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.","Penny: Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good.",Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?,Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…","Penny: Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.","Sheldon: Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Leonard: Are we playing individual or teams?,Raj: Teams are fun.,"Sheldon: Oh, in that case, I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Leonard: At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.","Penny: How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life.","Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.","Penny: I’m sorry, is the fact that my life’s falling apart interfering with your board game?","Sheldon: It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Bernadette: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.,Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Howard: Hey, buddy.",Bernadette: You excited for Texas?,"Sheldon: Oh, very much so.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, very much so.",Howard: It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut.,"Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?",Howard: Buzz Aldrin.,Sheldon: Oh. Yay.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Oh. Yay.,Scene: An airplane. ,"Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?",Howard: What now?,Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.,Howard: You just went to the bathroom.,"Sheldon: But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.","Howard: Well, it still doesn’t.","Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.",Howard: Fine.,Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed?,"Howard: I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.",Sheldon: Like when?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Like when?,"Howard: When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous.","Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.",Howard: Thank you.,Sheldon: Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?,Howard: No.,Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom.,Howard: Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence?,"Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.","Howard: Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one.",Sheldon: I take it back. I’m scared of turbulence!,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Raj: Not my best first date. Yeah, but not my worst, either.",Scene: The airplane.,Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.,"Howard: I’m sorry, too. It’s all my fault.","Sheldon: If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.",1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.","Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Announcement: The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.,Howard: It’s over.,Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Yeah.,Howard: Should we stop holding hands now?,Sheldon: In a minute.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.,Scene: A hire car.,Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.,Howard: Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech.,Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?,Howard: We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.,Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.,"Howard: Oh, boy.","Sheldon: Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.,"Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie.","Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.",Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.,"Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.",Howard: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: Nothing.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Nothing.,"Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on.",Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Scene: A bar in Texas.,Howard: You ready to talk about it?,Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?,"Howard: Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?",Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?,"Howard: Well, did she see you in the window?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: No.,Howard: Then don’t say anything.,"Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?","Howard: Well, don’t do it on the phone.","Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.","Howard: That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off.","Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.","Howard: Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.","Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Penny: Really? You think I’m putting this body through three kids?,Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.,"Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.",Howard: Good luck.,"Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?",Howard: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?","Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here.",Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.,Mrs Cooper: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.",Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?,"Mrs Cooper: That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.",Sheldon: Who was he?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Who was he?,Mrs Cooper: His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.,Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?,Mrs Cooper: A few months.,"Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?",Mrs Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.,"Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.","Mrs Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.",Sheldon: Or what?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Or what?,Mrs Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.,Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.,Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.,Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.,Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.,Mrs: Go to your room!,Sheldon: I’m a grown man.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Scene: Sheldon’s old bedroom.,"Howard: Hey, can I come in?",Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.,"Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.",Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.,"Howard: You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.","Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.",Howard: I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.,Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.,"Howard: Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.",Sheldon: What did you do?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: What did you do?,"Howard: Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.","Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.",Howard: All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.,Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Howard: And the healing begins.,Scene: Mrs Cooper’s living room.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Mrs Cooper: Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults?",Sheldon: I am.,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I am.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.","Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?","Mrs Cooper: You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.",Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?,1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?,"Mrs Cooper: Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is.","Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.",Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you.,"Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.",Mrs Cooper: How old do you think I am?,"Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.",Mrs Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?,"Sheldon: Well, someone has to.",1
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Well, someone has to.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, dear Lord.","Sheldon: No, don’t look to Him. He’s mad at you right now.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.",Leonard: If only there were a solution to that.,Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis.,Leonard: So go to the bathroom.,Sheldon: I can’t.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: I can’t.,Leonard: Why not?,"Sheldon: Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?","Leonard: Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?","Sheldon: I’m not being stupid. I’m employing the work of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Leonard: Oh, that’s great.","Penny: I know. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.",Sheldon: Here come the waterworks.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Raj: Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.","Amy: Can you get the butter, please?","Sheldon: You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.",Amy: Then get the other one. Pass the butter.,Sheldon: Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.,"Amy: Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention.","Sheldon: Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.",Amy: No way.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.","Amy: Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat.","Sheldon: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.",Amy: Included?,"Sheldon: Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.",Amy: Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts?,Sheldon: See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.,"Amy: Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Who’s they?",Sheldon: Xbox.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Xbox.,Amy: You’re kidding.,"Sheldon: No, I am not. And this ESRAM buffer should totally bridge the 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Leonard: So it’s a family film.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Thank you again for dinner.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Thank you again for dinner.,Amy: You’re welcome.,Sheldon: Good night.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Good night.,"Amy: Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something?","Sheldon: Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?",Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Well, they do.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Penny: Wow.,"Leonard: Okay, that’s enough.","Sheldon: Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?","Raj: Uh, Xbox One.",Sheldon: Penny?,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: Huh?,Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: PS4.,Sheldon: Wolowitz?,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Wolowitz?,Howard: Both great.,Sheldon: Bernadette?,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Bernadette?,Bernadette: I like the Wii.,"Sheldon: Thanks, Grandma.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Scene: An electrical store.,"Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.","Amy: Well, that’s got to be a good feeling.","Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although.","Amy: Oh, crap.",Sheldon: I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.,Amy: You were just a little kid.,"Sheldon: Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.",Amy: How old were you then?,"Sheldon: Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.",Amy: What’s a Zune?,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.","Amy: No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research.",Sheldon: But what if I’m wrong?,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: But what if I’m wrong?,Amy: You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both?,Sheldon: You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.,Amy: Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre.,"Sheldon: Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?","Amy: How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.",Sheldon: Interesting.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Interesting.,"Amy: So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One.","Sheldon: All right, I’ll try.",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll try.",Amy: What is it?,Sheldon: A quarter.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Raj: Really? Because I’m dating two women is basically the only cool thing I can say about myself.,Scene: The electrical store.,"Sheldon: On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera, but the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?",1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Amy: I can’t feel my legs.,"Store assistant: Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.",Sheldon: But I haven’t decided yet.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Store assistant: You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.,"Amy: Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Okay.,"Amy: What-what do you want, like, Thai food? A burger?","Sheldon: I don’t know. Hey, look, a quarter.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Raj: Yeah, literally, none of it.","Leonard: What do you think about it, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Meh.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Meh.,"Raj: Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?","Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?","Leonard: Oh, my God, you’re jealous.",Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?,"Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.","Barry: Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.",Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?,"Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything.",Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.,"Barry: Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.",Sheldon: Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Hey, you’re up early.",Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.,Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea.,"Sheldon: No, that’s not it.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: No, that’s not it.",Penny: Is something bothering you?,"Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.","Penny: Oh, come on, try me.","Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.","Penny: Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.",Sheldon: You mean your acting career?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: You mean your acting career?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?,"Penny: No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.","Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.",Penny: I’m talking about other guys.,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?","Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.",Sheldon: I don’t know if I can do that.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Penny: I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.","Leonard: Penny, have you seen my good inhaler?","Sheldon: Break it off, shake hands, walk away.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Raj: Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.,Howard: She is. But I like that attitude.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?",Raj: You’re really going to do this?,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.",Howard: You’re reading Cosmo?,"Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.",Howard: What’s this?,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.","Leonard: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship?","Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.",Raj: It’s going to be okay.,"Sheldon: I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Are you sure you want to do this?,Sheldon: The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll?","Penny (treating Sheldon as a ventriloquist doll): Oh my God, I do look like that.",Sheldon: You stop it.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: You stop it.,"Penny: So, how do you want me to cut it?","Sheldon: Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back.",Penny: Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Penny: Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?,"Leonard: That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?","Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.","Penny: Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.",Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.,"Penny: Okay, what do you think?",Sheldon: Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Penny: Doesn’t it?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Penny: I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?","Amy: Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.",Sheldon: She’s right. I’m too hot.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold. What are you doing?","Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?",Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?,"Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?,"Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.",Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.",Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?,"Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.",Amy: Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.,"Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.",Leonard: What about loop quantum gravity?,"Sheldon: Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.","Penny: Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.","Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.",Amy: How does that happen?,Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.,"Penny: Okay, how about we toast your newfound freedom?","Sheldon: Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Come on, let’s get you to bed. You’ve had a lot to drink.",Sheldon: No more than Penny.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: No more than Penny.,Amy: That’s what I’m saying.,"Sheldon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Emily: Been there.,"Scene: Sheldon, waking up in bed next to a Geology book.","Sheldon: Oh, no. What have I done?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: How you feeling?,Sheldon: Not so good.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Not so good.,Leonard: Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?,Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.,Leonard: I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?","Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.","Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The cafeteria..,Howard: You’re awful quiet. Everything okay?,Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.,"Howard: Ugh. Me, too. What happened?",Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.,1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.,Howard: I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?","Howard: Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.","Sheldon: Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.",1
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Howard: Get out of here, Barry.","Barry: Whatever you say, Cwogziwwa.",Sheldon: Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.,"Penny: Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.","Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance.",Leonard: Sure. What’s up?,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?","Leonard: Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter.",Sheldon: That’s helpful. Okay. Of these four areas…,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?",Sheldon: It is just so frustrating.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.,"Penny: Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say?",Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.,"Leonard: Great, what do you want to do?",Sheldon: I don’t know. What do you want to do?,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hmm, what can we do that’s fun?",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: What can we do that’s different?,Penny: What can we do that’s free?,"Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza.",Penny: Are you kidding? That’s what you always do. Think harder.,"Sheldon: You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Penny: Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.","Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant.",Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Leonard: Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?",Penny: No. Bernadette’s working late.,Sheldon: Amy’s sick.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Amy’s sick.,Leonard: Aw. What’s wrong with her?,"Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.",Leonard: That’s not what I meant.,"Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?",Leonard: What ails her?,Sheldon: Oh. Who knows?,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Raj: Not that one.,Scene: The street. ,"Sheldon: So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?",Penny: Yep.,"Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.","Leonard: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?",Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.,Penny: What the hell? What? She’s not working late.,Sheldon: And Amy doesn’t look sick.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: And Amy doesn’t look sick.,Penny: Why would they lie to us?,"Sheldon: That’s a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us?",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: A bar.,Penny: You’re not working late. Why did you lie to me?,"Sheldon: And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: I also love you.,"Penny: Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Where are we going?,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Where are we going?,"Penny: We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do.","Sheldon: Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because…",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: A restaurant. Sheldon makes an “unsure” noise.,Penny: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.,Penny: It’s fusion.,Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.,Penny: Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie?,Sheldon: Not at all.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Not at all.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.","Penny: Hey, I don’t understand why you’re not upset with Amy.",Sheldon: I am. So much so that I’m gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: The restaurant.,"Penny: Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.","Sheldon: Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.","Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great.","Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.","Penny: Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one.","Sheldon: No, it’s not.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, it’s not.",Penny: How is that not good?,"Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.","Penny: Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours.",Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?,Penny: Not with money. Read.,Sheldon: Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: The street. Outside a psychic’s shop.,"Penny: Oh, I think I see our next stop.","Sheldon: You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.","Penny: No, come on, tonight we are trying new things.",Sheldon: Oh. That’s a lot of incense. Or someone set a hippie on fire.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Bernadette: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.",Scene: The psychic shop.,"Sheldon: I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.","Penny: All right, Sheldon, just ask your question.","Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it?",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it?","Penny: Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.","Sheldon: For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Penny: Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.","Psychic: All right, why don’t we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there’s a woman in your life you’re having problems with.",Sheldon: That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Psychic: Does she have dark hair?,"Penny: Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire.","Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.",Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?,"Sheldon: Ha. The opposite. She’s a neurobiologist, and I’m a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Penny: Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.",Psychic: Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.,"Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it’s truly deserved. This is malarkey.",1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Raj: And play.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Hello. I didn’t expect you this evening.,1
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Hello. I didn’t expect you this evening.,"Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you.","Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don’t know where you’re going with this.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching. We should finalize our plans.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Penny: So, when is it?","Leonard: Uh, well, it’s not May the fifth, and it’s not May the third. It’s May the fourth.",Sheldon: Get it?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door.,Sheldon: Come in.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Come in.,"Leonard: Hey, you got a second?","Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news.",Sheldon: What is it?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: What is it?,Leonard: I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away.,Sheldon: Professor Proton is dead?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Professor Proton is dead?,"Leonard: Sorry, buddy.",Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: What are you doing?,Leonard: Comforting you?,"Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.","Leonard: Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday.","Sheldon: But, that’s Star Wars Day.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: But, that’s Star Wars Day.","Leonard: Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you.",Sheldon: I’m fine.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Professor Proton (on youtube): This, uh, this is something interesting boys and girls. After an owl eats, he spits up part of his meal that he can’t digest, in the form of a pellet. Is, isn’t that a hoot? We’ll be right back after I fire my writers. (Owl hoots) Oh, shut up.",Amy: Watching your old friend?,"Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.",Amy: Do you want me to go to the funeral with you?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.",Amy: Why not?,"Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.",Amy: Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye?,"Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.",Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you’ve seen hundreds of times isn’t?,"Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Penny: Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?","Raj: Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything?","Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you.",Howard: You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?,Sheldon: I’m fine.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Penny: Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral?","Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?","Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star. Why do I know this?","Sheldon: Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I’m sure he didn’t care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he’d say enjoy Star Wars Day.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Penny: Yeah.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Raj: Ugh, let’s get this over with.","Howard: Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time.","Sheldon: Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Raj: You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.","Howard: Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters.",Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?,Raj: It was just a suggestion.,"Sheldon: Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don’t we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Howard: Obviously.,"Scene: Sheldon, dreaming he is in the living room of the apartment on his laptop.","Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.",Arthur: You never heard it that time.,Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.,"Arthur: I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years.",Sheldon: Why are you here?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why are you here?,"Arthur: I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.",Sheldon: I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.,"Arthur: I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet?","Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.","Arthur: Well, that, that clears that up.",Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.,"Arthur: Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back.",Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.,"Arthur: Oh, wait. What, what, what is, what is this?",Sheldon: Be careful with that.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Scene: Sheldon’s dream.,"Arthur: Where, where, where are we?",Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.,Arthur: Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida.,"Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?","Arthur: Um, always, get, get a prenup.",Sheldon: That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.,"Arthur: Well, why, why do you think I’m here?",Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.,"Arthur: Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you?","Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.","Arthur: Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too.","Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.","Arthur: I’m, I’m sorry about that.","Sheldon: And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.","Arthur: Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you.",Sheldon: But I do appreciate them.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Arthur: Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)","Leonard: Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right?",Sheldon: I’m okay. How was the funeral?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I’m okay. How was the funeral?,"Leonard: It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch?",Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.,"Leonard: Sheldon, that, that’ll take us all night.","Sheldon: That’s true. Oh, it’s a good thing I had a nap.",1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Amy: Hey, guys.",Bernadette: Happy Star Wars Day.,Sheldon: Wow. A Death Star cake.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Bernadette: Son of a bitch.,"Scene: The same, everyone is falling asleep.",Sheldon: You’re back.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: You’re back.,"Arthur: Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me.",Sheldon: That’s nice.,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: That’s nice.,"Arthur: May, maybe for you.",Sheldon: Why do I need you now?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why do I need you now?,"Arthur: Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars.",Sheldon: So?,1
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: So?,"Arthur: I mean, don’t, don’t you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you’re spending your limited time on Earth?",Sheldon: Not at all.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz.,Amy: Should we do something for her?,Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.,"Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.","Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Penny: Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.,Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat.,"Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.","Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I know.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Howard: As advertised.,Scene: A cinema.,Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.,Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?,Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.,Raj: Is that a real thing?,"Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out.",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Emily: Oh, hey, Raj.","Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.","Raj: Yeah, okay.","Sheldon: That was awkward, right?",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: That was awkward, right?",Raj: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Scene: The apartment.,Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.,"Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.",Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.,"Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?","Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?",Raj: Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?,Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.,"Raj: But you don’t have sex with her, either.","Sheldon: Slick, huh?",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Slick, huh?","Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.",Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?,Raj: No.,"Sheldon: Well, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure.",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Scene: The apartment.,"Raj: I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?","Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.",Raj: What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.,Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.,Raj: What do you mean?,Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?,Raj: Eleven.,Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?,Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?,Sheldon: Sure.,1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Sure.,Raj: I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.,"Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?",1
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?","Raj: Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.","Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Howard: Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.","Bernadette: She’s just so impossible, they keep quitting.","Sheldon: So, who’s watching her now?",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.","Leonard: Hey, buddy.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: You okay?,Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.,Howard: Why?,"Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.","Leonard: That’s a rude thing to say, out loud.","Sheldon: It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Howard: You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.","Leonard: Whatever you do, just don’t make any rash decisions.",Sheldon: I don’t know. I am really aggravated.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What you working on?,"Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.",Leonard: Oh. How’s it going?,"Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.",Leonard: It’s nice that you called them esteemed.,Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.,"Leonard: So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.",Sheldon: Mm.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Mm.,"Leonard: Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.","Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.",Leonard: I’m not.,"Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.","Leonard: Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live.",Sheldon: What do you mean?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: What do you mean?,"Leonard: Well, well, we might want to live together.","Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.",Leonard: That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.,Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?,"Leonard: Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.",Sheldon: Where are you going to go?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Where are you going to go?,"Leonard: I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.",Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?,"Leonard: No, I did not.",Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?","Leonard: Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.",Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.,"Leonard: Well, yeah.",Sheldon: Wow.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Wow.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?,Amy: They just don’t appreciate you.,"Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.","Amy: Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik.","Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.","Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.","Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.",Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain.,"Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?",Amy: See? Maybe you’ll love living alone.,Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.,"Amy: And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together.","Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?","Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.","Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.",Amy: It tastes the same.,Sheldon: No. The syrup tastes better and I don’t like it.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Amy: Right.,Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: No.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: No.,"Stuart: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: What happened?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: What happened?,Stuart: I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.,Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?,"Stuart: I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.",Sheldon: So when will you reopen?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: So when will you reopen?,"Stuart: Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.","Sheldon: So, tomorrow?",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: So, tomorrow?","Stuart: I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.","Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.","Stuart: Well, sorry I let you down.","Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.",Stuart: That’ll be $2.99.,Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.,"Stuart: Fine, a dollar.",Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?,"Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.","Sheldon: You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Scene: The train station.,Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: You tracked my phone?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: You tracked my phone?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.",Penny: We were worried about you.,Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.,Leonard: Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.,Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.,"Leonard: Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.",Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.,Penny: And go where?,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.,Leonard: So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?,Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.,"Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.",Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.,Leonard: Then what can I do?,"Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Leonard: I know, but…","Penny: He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.","Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher.",1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Penny: Seriously, let him go.","Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.",Sheldon: I do.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Leonard: Okay. Good luck.,Penny: Be safe and call us.,Sheldon: I will.,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I will.,"Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon?",Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Yes?,Leonard: I’m gonna miss you.,Sheldon: Of course you are.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Following a “previously on” sequence.,Scene: A railway station. Sheldon is wearing no trousers.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you’re knitting a pair of pants? Oh, well, no, you’re understandably terrified. But, you know, allow me to explain. 45 days ago, um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing because my university was making me do string theory, and my favorite comic book store burned down, and when my room mate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me, which was no doubt a ploy just to see my, well, excuse my language, but my bathing suit parts. Uh, sir, may I use your phone?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you’re knitting a pair of pants? Oh, well, no, you’re understandably terrified. But, you know, allow me to explain. 45 days ago, um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing because my university was making me do string theory, and my favorite comic book store burned down, and when my room mate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me, which was no doubt a ploy just to see my, well, excuse my language, but my bathing suit parts. Uh, sir, may I use your phone?",Man: I don’t think so.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I understand that I’m half naked, but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car, all my possessions were stolen. Now, typically, I wear pyjamas, but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle and pyjamas are the sleep-pants of the Man. I’ll have you know, Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants and a nation rallied behind him. My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged, but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask. Bosons have integer spin, fermions have half-integer spin. My legs are getting cold. Why won’t anybody help me?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Penny: Hi. Want to do yoga with me?,"Leonard: Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello?","Sheldon: Hello, Leonard.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard.","Leonard: Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice.","Sheldon: Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.",Leonard: I’d love to. I’m just about to do yoga with Penny.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.","Leonard: Oh, my God, are you okay?","Sheldon: No, I’m not okay. Uh, I’m wearing borrowed pants, I don’t have I.D., and one of the officers here won’t stop calling me chicken legs.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Penny: Oh., ,"Sheldon: 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Hurry.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Hurry.,"Leonard: Sheldon, hang tight. Hey, do you want me to bring anything?","Sheldon: Oh, yes, please. A pair of pants. And my toothbrush. Yeah, and my mail. And a really good comeback for chicken legs, because “I know you are, but what am I?” was met with stony silence.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Howard: I said well past it.,Scene: Kingman Police Station.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?",Hernandez: Not yet.,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?",Hernandez: Nope.,"Sheldon: Well, maybe you should. There’s lots of books called Sherlock Holmes, and there’s no books called Officer Hernandez.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Raj: It wouldn’t kill you to pick up the phone.,Scene: Kingman Police Station.,Sheldon: Any word on my stolen items?,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Any word on my stolen items?,Hernandez: We’re doing everything we can.,"Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.",Amy: Are you okay?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?","Amy: What do you mean, why did I come? You’re my boyfriend. I haven’t seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don’t you have anything to say besides why did you come?","Sheldon: I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Leonard: So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip. Where’d you go?","Sheldon: Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.",Leonard: How were they?,"Sheldon: Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.",Leonard: Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station?,Sheldon: Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.,"Leonard: I’m sorry, so you never went outside?",Sheldon: Or had a single piece of fruit.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Penny: Oh, my God, no.",Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Sheldon: At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?",Leonard: I don’t care.,"Sheldon: Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?",Amy: Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours?,Sheldon: I just thought you were bad at the game.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: I just thought you were bad at the game.,"Amy: I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me?","Sheldon: Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?",Amy: We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?,"Sheldon: Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.",Leonard: What’s the big deal?,"Sheldon: Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Amy: Can I stop now?,Leonard: Just tell her.,Sheldon: I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.,Amy: You were worried about that?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Yes.,"Amy: Sheldon, it’s okay with me that you’re not perfect.",Sheldon: Can I have one more moment with Leonard?,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Can I have one more moment with Leonard?,Amy: Sure.,Sheldon: Amy just hurt my feelings. I want to break up with her.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Stuart: That’s right, sucka.",Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: I wish I’d never gone on that trip. I feel no better now than when I left.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Amy: But you still accomplished something.,"Leonard: Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said?",Sheldon: That I couldn’t do it?,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Leonard: Exactly. Right after they said yeah.,Amy: But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure.,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.",Amy: See? This trip was good for you.,"Sheldon: Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.",Leonard: Butterfly could’ve gotten himself home from Arizona.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,All: Hey.,"Penny: Hey, look who’s back.",Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Would you like to see pictures from my trip?,1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Would you like to see pictures from my trip?,Penny: I thought your phone got stolen.,"Sheldon: Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.",Leonard: And you thought they all had a silver lining.,"Sheldon: Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.",1
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.",Penny: I cannot believe you travelled the entire country and never left the train station.,"Sheldon: I know. You know, I almost died in a fire in Des Moines, but I stayed put. FYI, that’s when the Imodium gave out.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.","Howard: Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.","Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.","Raj: But half-man, half-owl could fly…",Sheldon: The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Bernadette: Great. When?,Penny: I said I’ll get to it.,"Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?",Amy: Yes.,Sheldon: Swish.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Bernadette: Couldn’t hurt.,"Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?",Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.,Scene: Mrs Davis’ office.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?",Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?","Mrs Davis: Yes. Uh, welcome back.",Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?,"Mrs Davis: You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.","Sheldon: That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?","Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.","Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?","Mrs Davis: Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like.","Sheldon: But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.",Mrs Davis: That is correct.,Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?,Mrs Davis: Yes.,Sheldon: You people are sick.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Raj: Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney.","Leonard: Hey, how’d it go with human resources?","Sheldon: Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.",Raj: I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?,Sheldon: What a stupid question.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: What a stupid question.,Leonard: The kids are gonna love him.,Sheldon: I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.,"Leonard: This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong.","Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.",Raj: You enjoy giving people grades.,"Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.",Howard: And you love the sound of your own voice.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.","Leonard: Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.","Sheldon: It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That’s rich. I’ll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.,Leonard: Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?,Sheldon: There is no class.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: There is no class.,Howard: Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already?,Sheldon: No one signed up.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: No one signed up.,"Leonard: Well, that’s not your fault.","Sheldon: I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Leonard: What?,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.","Raj: Aw, you brought cookies for everyone?","Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.","Howard: Hey, what if I took your class?",Sheldon: Why would you do that?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Raj: What’s wrong with you?,"Howard: I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?","Sheldon: Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Raj: Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.","Howard: Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class.",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: No.,Howard: Yes.,Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?,Howard: I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.,"Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?","Howard: I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign.","Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?","Howard: Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: No.,"Howard: Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.",Sheldon: You take that back.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: The stairwell.,"Amy: So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.",Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?,"Amy: Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more.","Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.",Amy: But I’m just…,Sheldon: Not now.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Hmm. You’re up late.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.","Leonard: Sheldon, why are you doing this?","Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.","Leonard: No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?","Sheldon: Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.","Leonard: You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it.","Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.",Leonard: Might be something to think about.,Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.,Howard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin.","Howard: Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot.",Sheldon: I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.,Howard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?",Howard: I am.,Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?,Howard: It’s an inverted cycloid.,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?",Howard: That’s where I’m a little fuzzy.,"Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.","Howard (singing): All I do is win, win, win no matter what.",Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Howard (singing): Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there!",Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Howard: If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now…",Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.,Howard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?",Howard: Making a straw.,Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Why?,Howard: So I can shoot you with a spitball.,"Sheldon: You’re not going to do that, and I’ll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you’re going to treat me with the prop… You shot your spit in my mouth!",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Bernadette: Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.","Amy: You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.",Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Well?,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Well?,"Leonard: Sheldon, I promise. Your uvula does not have an STD.",Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to.,Howard: You reported me to human resources?,Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.,"Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy.",Sheldon: I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.,"Howard: I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you.","Sheldon: Yeah, try me.",1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Yeah, try me.","Howard: Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?",Sheldon: Young’s modulus.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Raj: Is that right?,"Howard: Yeah. Okay, how do you prevent eddy currents in a transformer?",Sheldon: Laminate the core material.,1
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Leonard: Yes. (Cheers) ,"Howard: Okay, this one is for a Cadbury Creme Egg.",Sheldon: Oh! It’s not even Easter time. This is crazy.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Howard: What’s that about?,Raj: I’m heckling you. It’s a beloved part of baseball.,"Sheldon: He’s right. And given that you’re probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I’m sure you do suck.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Howard: Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.",Penny: That’s so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.,"Sheldon: Well, not just him. May I remind you that you’re talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Leonard: Now you know why we’re not outside.,Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?,"Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.","Sheldon: Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Amy: It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.,"Penny: Hey, how was dinner?","Sheldon: Good, I had Cornish game hen.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Amy: Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?",Penny: You guys are going out two nights in a row?,"Sheldon: I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: That’s so hot.,"Amy: It’s better than hot, it’s binding.","Sheldon: If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: Aw.,Amy: You are aware that a double date doesn’t count as two dates.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, then come or don’t. I don’t care.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: Sheldon, I’m surprised you’d choose to go to a pub.","Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.",Amy: I then suggested a pub.,"Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.",Leonard: You don’t even like Yorkshire pudding.,"Sheldon: No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Amy: After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.",Leonard: Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.,"Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.",Penny: Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something?,"Sheldon: I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.","Leonard: You don’t honestly think that, do you?","Sheldon: Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Scene: Amy’s car.,"Leonard: Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t?","Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.",Leonard: So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.,Sheldon: It’s called parallel play.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: It’s called parallel play.,"Leonard: Yeah, toddlers do that.",Sheldon: Not as well as we do.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Leonard: You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.,Penny: So what? Why do you even care?,"Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.",Leonard: Whatever. You can’t even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.,"Sheldon: If you’ve got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I’d like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Amy: So when do you guys plan on getting married?,"Penny: Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant.",Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?,Amy: Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger?,Sheldon: Absolutely not.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Absolutely not.,Leonard: Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her.,Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?,Leonard: I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified.,"Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: A hundred.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.","Sheldon: No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.","Penny: Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry.","Sheldon: Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Oh, what did those rascals do now?","Amy: They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour.","Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.","Leonard: So, this is accurate?","Sheldon: It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.","Penny: Well, kind of takes the romance out of relationships.",Sheldon: Kind of? It does it perfectly.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Hey, sorry about that.","Amy: No, we’re sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.","Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.",Leonard: I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we’re a bad couple.,"Sheldon: The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it’s like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.",Leonard: Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two.,Sheldon: Or a one. A one is possible.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: Leonard.,Amy: It would make me so happy if you said things like that.,"Sheldon: We got an eight-point-two. Trust me, you’re happy.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Look at you, talking sports.","Leonard: This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.",Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.,"Amy: Sheldon, what did you expect?","Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.","Amy: I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.",Sheldon: Who’s the bobblehead of?,1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Who’s the bobblehead of?,Amy: Does it matter?,"Sheldon: No, as long as it bobbles.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Bernadette: Why is it going so slow?,Howard: ‘Cause I’m an idiot who didn’t think this through.,"Sheldon: Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.",1
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Howard: Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.","Man in Crowd: You suck, Wolowitz!",Sheldon: He makes a valid point.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Scene: The cafeteria.,Leonard: Have you guys heard about this research team that’s trying to transgenically manipulate chicken DNA to create some sort of chicken dinosaur?,"Sheldon: Oh, I think that sounds wonderful.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Oh, I think that sounds wonderful.",Howard: What? You’re afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens.,"Sheldon: Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Raj: Hey, guys.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Raj: We still on for tomorrow night?,Leonard: Yeah. I’m excited to finally meet your girlfriend.,"Sheldon: Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.",Howard: Since when do you read social science?,Sheldon: I go to the bathroom like everybody else.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Bernadette: Long story short, they have seven HBOs.","Raj: Hey, guys.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Penny: Hey, I hear you’re a dermatologist.","Emily: Uh, yeah, I’m a resident at Huntington Hospital.","Sheldon: Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Penny: Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.",Emily: Yeah. I’m sure that’d be fine.,Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Amy: I’d say it now, but look at those cheekbones.",Scene: Capital Comics.,"Sheldon: I miss Stuart’s place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store, or a rave at the third little pig’s house?",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Howard: Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?","Raj: You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company.","Sheldon: Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Leonard: Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?","Howard: All I know is, he’s got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate, why doesn’t he just use an angora rabbit?","Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: That does sound fun.,"Raj: Ooh, maybe we could come up with a business plan to compete with this place.","Sheldon: I’ll give you a plan right now. Step one, open comic book store. Step two, start rumour this comic book store gives you genital warts. Step three, buy a big bag to put the money in.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Penny: No. Yeah.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Howard: You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.","Raj: Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?","Sheldon: Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools?",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Howard: Toy stores, puppet shows.","Leonard: Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Penny: Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.",Raj: Great.,"Sheldon: On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.","Raj: You, okay? It’s you. You’re, you’re next.",Sheldon: No. You’re crazy about me.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Amy: Shh. Amy’s here now.,Scene: Capital Comics.,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.",Howard: We’ll get to see all the new stuff before it hits the shelves.,"Sheldon: And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.",Howard: You say things like that all the time.,"Sheldon: Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: Yeah.,"Leonard: Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list?",Sheldon: I’m sure she did.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Sheldon: I’m sure she did.,Leonard: Why?,"Sheldon: Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.",Leonard: Will you stay out of this?,Sheldon: If only Penny had said that once in a while.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Leonard: That’s true.,"Howard: Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship.","Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.",Leonard: Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women.,"Sheldon: I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.",Howard: He’s right.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I am. I was also right about her hair. It did everything but quack.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: That’s how much buying a comic book store means to me.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I’d like your honest opinion on something.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Sheldon: I’d like your honest opinion on something.,Amy: Of course.,"Sheldon: Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.","Amy: I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.","Amy: Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Sheldon: No.,Amy: Then I think it’s a terrific idea.,Sheldon: Great. Wait till you hear about our van.,1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Raj: I’m really disappointed we’re not gonna have our own comic book store.,Leonard: I know. I was looking forward to it.,"Sheldon: It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace.",1
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: With comfy seats.,Raj: And snacks.,"Sheldon: Well, I guess it was too good to be true.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Leonard: We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it?,"Howard: Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.","Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.",Leonard: That’s not what happened.,Sheldon: I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.,Howard: No one wants to hear it.,"Sheldon: Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.",Leonard: Penny is not the reason I didn’t pursue that idea.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Since meeting her, what have been your greatest accomplishments?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.",Leonard: I think someone owes me an apology.,"Sheldon: Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.",Howard: You admit Amy’s a distraction?,"Sheldon: Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,LeonardLike our own science retreat.,Howard: My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.,Sheldon: I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?,Leonard: Then we’ll go to a hotel.,Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?,Raj: We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake.,Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?,Raj: Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.",Leonard: Fine. Then we’ll just stay here and do it.,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.",Leonard: You would go to a beach house?,"Sheldon: Well, good Lord, no, have you seen Jaws?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.","Raj: For your information, Emily is working tonight.","Sheldon: Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.","Leonard: Okay, let’s focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let’s change the world.",Sheldon: Thinking caps on.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.",Howard: Oh. I never saw that.,Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Really?,"Raj: Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.","Sheldon: Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: Cool. I’ll make the popcorn.,"Leonard: Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. Is that a no?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Howard: Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?,"Leonard: I, I think I still have it.",Sheldon: I did not get a clear answer. I’m gonna set this down now.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Leonard: Robot prostitute.,Howard: Also mine.,Sheldon: Wait. I’m confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: No, it vibrates. Keep going.","Leonard: You know, let’s just come up with something new.","Sheldon: You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.",Leonard: How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality?,"Sheldon: If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Leonard: Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.","Raj: Oh, I have an idea.",Sheldon: I think I have the same one.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: Hold on. Pause. Something doesn’t make sense. Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.","Leoanard: This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.","Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?",Leonard: What do you mean?,Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?,Leonard: Had will have placed?,Sheldon: That’s my boy.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: That’s my boy.,"Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline.","Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!",Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…",Leonard: Wait. Is brought right?,Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?,Leonard: I don’t know. You did it to me.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.",Leonard: Guys.,"Sheldon: Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?,"Leonard: Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.",Sheldon: I don’t think it worked.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.,Leonard: All right.,"Sheldon: Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Leonard: So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.","Howard: Or if we could figure out a way to supercool the materials, we could utilize quantum coupling.","Sheldon: Well, I wonder if anyone’s tried that.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.",Leonard: I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work?,"Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?",Howard: Like behavior modification?,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. Did you know those techniques were used to actually teach pigeons to play ping-pong?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.,Howard: We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked.,"Sheldon: Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.",Leonard: If only we had one.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ll check Amazon.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: And I really can’t let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I’ve been cheating on her.,"Leonard: All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling…","Sheldon: Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?","Leonard: I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also…",Sheldon: Ow. We didn’t vote!,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Ow. We didn’t vote!,"Leonard: We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why?",Sheldon: You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: That’s ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.",Leonard: Thank you. And now I owe you one.,Sheldon: Ow. That was your fault.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.",Leonard: Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working.,Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.,Howard: Negative reinforcement is really wrong?,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.",1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Howard: Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.",Leonard: It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight?,Sheldon: But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.,1
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.,"Leonard: So you’re, you’re saying we should stand here in my lab on a Saturday night and watch the rest of Ghostbusters on a crappy laptop?",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Penny: Okay, good.","Bernadette: Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.",Bernadette: Oh. What’s going on?,Sheldon: I started doing it.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Raj: You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.","Penny: Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine?",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Why not?,Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.,Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Bernadette: Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.,"Leonard: Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.",Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?,Raj: Yup.,Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn’t tell.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon, you busy?","Sheldon: I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.",Raj: Don’t they lay eggs on a rock?,Sheldon: Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?,"Raj: So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees.","Sheldon: Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.","Raj: It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.","Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.","Raj: Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.",Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.,"Raj: Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket.","Sheldon: So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.","Raj: Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.",Sheldon: Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.,Raj: Exactly.,Sheldon: Very well.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Very well.,Raj: So where should we do it?,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.","Raj: Uh, Sheldon…","Sheldon: Oh, there, well, look, there’s all kinds of videos.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Raj: Did you get in?,Amy: No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores.,"Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.",Raj: This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.,"Sheldon: Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.","Raj: Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.","Sheldon: All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule?",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Raj: We’re going to be fine.,"Amy: Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this.","Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.",Raj: I’m sweating already.,"Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.",Raj: How hot is it?,"Sheldon: Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.","Raj: Well, that’s what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.","Sheldon: True. Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali’s restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The steam tunnel. ,Raj: How you feeling?,Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.,Raj: Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it.,Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.,Raj: Do you know any mining songs?,"Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.",Rajj: That’s pretty.,"Sheldon: Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.",Raj: It’s a little more bleak than I thought.,"Sheldon: Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.",Raj: Getting kind of grim.,"Sheldon: Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.",Raj: Okay. How ’bout a little Miley Cyrus next?,Sheldon: Who’s he?,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The steam tunnel. ,"Raj: So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.",Sheldon: That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?,Raj: But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?,Sheldon: He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.,Amy (shouting): You guys doing okay down there?,Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!,Amy (on walkie-talkie): You guys doing okay down there?,Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.,Amy: I’m going to the vending machine. Do you want anything?,Sheldon: This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Amy: Okay, just checking.",Raj: We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.,Sheldon: You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.,Raj: What if we brought them down with us?,Sheldon: We’ll take some Funyuns.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: We’ll take some Funyuns.,Amy: Anything else?,"Sheldon: Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The steam tunnel. ,"Raj: Oh, this heat is brutal.","Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.",Rajj: Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.,Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.,Raj: How’s that going?,"Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.","Raj: Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.",Sheldon: We’re not stopping.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: We’re not stopping.,Raj: You don’t have to bite my head off.,"Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.","Raj: If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable.",Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.,Raj: Oh. Is it Amy?,"Sheldon: It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.","Raj: Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager.",Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?,Raj: The space probe.,Sheldon: Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Raj: By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.","Amy: Sheldon, is everything okay?",Sheldon: It’s too late for Koothrappali. Let’s go.,1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: Do you really need me to transcribe this?,"Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.",1
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.","Raj: You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You’re a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.",Sheldon: His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Scene: The building foyer. ,Man with Flowers: Thank you.,"Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.","Man: I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.",Sheldon: That’s humorous.,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Sheldon: That’s humorous.,Man: All right.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.",Man: All right.,Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.,Man: All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.,"Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.",Man: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.,Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.,"Leonard: Great timing, food just got here.","Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?","Leonard: No, but you can have mine.","Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.",Leonard: What? Why didn’t you say that first?,Sheldon: Why didn’t you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Leonard: Thank you. Sorry.,"Man: Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic.","Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.",Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.,"Sheldon: So have these two, and they’re having dinner with us.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Bernadette: Please don’t go. Up until my vicious attack, you were the one in the wrong.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Here you go, Doctor. Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?,"Man: Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn’t really get serious until William Shatner’s bladder infection.",Sheldon: What’d you get? What’d you get?,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Man: Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?","Leonard: Oh. Well, you know, just being myself, really.","Sheldon: Oh, please, you know, I’ll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Penny: Really? Why?,"Leonard: Ah, that’s a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.","Sheldon: Oh, God. Don’t make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Penny: Please, yes.",Leonard: I’ll be right back.,Sheldon: So what other celebrity genitalia have you handled?,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.,"Leonard: Oh, my God.","Sheldon: Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it’s in the basement of a urologist’s house in Sherman Oaks.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Raj: Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond.","Leonard: Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid.","Sheldon: Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?","Leonard: No, because I liked it.","Sheldon: Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.","Dr Lorvis: So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny.","Sheldon: Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.","Dr Lorvis: So, you think she’ll be single soon?","Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.","Dr Lorvis: Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something.","Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I’m still upset about that peanut sauce.,1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.,"Leonard: Next game, let’s switch helmets.","Sheldon: No, I’d look silly in that helmet.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Raj: Okay, now you’re messing with me.","Leonard: Uh, guys, we’re locked in here.","Sheldon: Oh, this day just keeps getting better.",1
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Penny: Just walk.,Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement. ,Sheldon: You can do this.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Leonard: Don’t rule out the dating.,"Howard: Fine, it bothers me. You happy?",Sheldon: You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.,Howard: How is this helpful?,Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.,Leonard: But the gibbon doesn’t know what it’s categorized as. It doesn’t even know it’s called a gibbon.,"Sheldon: True. Sorry, kid, you’ve got it worse than a gibbon.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Howard: Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.",Raj: Did you go to your prom?,"Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Stuart: I got to go, bye.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny: You knocked more than usual.,"Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.","Penny: Okay, what’s up?","Sheldon: I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.","Penny: Great, how?","Sheldon: We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.","Penny: Okay, just one question. What?","Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.","Penny: Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?",Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?,"Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.","Sheldon: Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.",Penny: You’re kidding.,"Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.",Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on.,Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him.,"Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.","Leonard: There, perfect.","Sheldon: What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.",Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.,"Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.",Leonard: Was that a flask?,"Sheldon: Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.",Leonard: You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.","Leonard: If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?","Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.","Leonard: And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to.",Sheldon: Why would you say that?,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Why would you say that?,"Leonard: You know, ’cause, ’cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.",Sheldon: Penny implied the same thing. Is this true?,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Penny: Thank you, so do you.","Amy: Sheldon, you look so handsome.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Amy: What’s that?,"Leonard: Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing.",Sheldon: Excuse me.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Excuse me.,Amy: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: I can’t do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn’t grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?",Sheldon: I don’t think that’s a good idea.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: I don’t think that’s a good idea.,Amy: Why not?,"Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.",Amy: You’re making me worry. What’s going on?,Sheldon: What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.,Amy: What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?,Sheldon: It’s not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I’m not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Scene: Sheldon’s bedrooom.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye.",Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.,Amy: You did?,Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.,"Amy: Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together.",Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?,Amy: I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.,Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.,"Amy: Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates…","Sheldon: I love you, too.",1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: I love you, too.",Amy: You said it.,Sheldon: There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.,1
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.,Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn’t mean girls are allowed in my room.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.,Sheldon: Me.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Me.,"Amy: Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius.",Sheldon: Still think it’s me.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Still think it’s me.,"Amy: It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him.","Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.","Amy: How about this, he’s a poor man’s Sheldon Cooper.","Sheldon: Oh, Tesla.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Penny: Hi.,Amy: Hello.,"Sheldon: Hey, how did it go?",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Amy: Did they figure out what’s wrong?,Leonard: Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week.,Sheldon: Why would you have surgery?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Leonard: Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.","Penny: Yeah, back off, he’s all mine.",Sheldon: But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?,"Amy: Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring.","Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story.",Sheldon: Very well. I’m done talking about it.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Very well. I’m done talking about it.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game.,Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.",Leonard: I think you could give a better clue.,Sheldon: I don’t. I’m not even sure if that’s a person or a typo.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: Okay, why?",Sheldon: I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.,"Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?","Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?",Leonard: What’s your problem?,"Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.","Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.","Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.","Leonard: I told you, there’s nothing to worry about.","Sheldon: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.","Leonard: Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?",Sheldon: I suppose that’s true. You’re such a glass half-full kind of guy. I’m going to miss that.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Hey. What’re you working on?,"Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?",Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.",Leonard: Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on.,"Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?",Leonard: I’m not allergic to latex.,"Sheldon: Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?",Leonard: For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net.,Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy?,"Leonard: I don’t have epilepsy, either.","Sheldon: You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.","Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery?","Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.","Leonard: Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.",Sheldon: You don’t know that.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You don’t know that.,"Leonard: Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike.",Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.,"Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too?","Sheldon: I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.","Leonard: Tell you what, the surgery’s not for a week, I’ll think about it.","Sheldon: Thank you. And while you’re thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Leonard: He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.",Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he’s still doing it.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he’s still doing it.,Amy: Don’t worry about that. I’m happy to take you to work.,"Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.",Amy: It’s nice they’re getting exercise.,"Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.",Amy: I’m sure he brought it.,"Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.","Amy: He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it.",Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?,"Amy: I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.",Sheldon: Tell me the truth.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Tell me the truth.,Amy: Twenty eight.,Sheldon: Come on.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Come on.,Amy: Fifty six.,Sheldon: Amy. What’s going on?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Amy. What’s going on?,"Amy: All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now.",Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard.,"Amy: Just go to work, he’ll be fine.","Sheldon: Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.",Amy: Fine. It’s sweet that you care about him so much.,Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.,Scene: The waiting room. ,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: We had a really nice swim.,"Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.","Penny: ‘Cause I’m a liar, liar?",Sheldon: That’s for the fire marshal to determine.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Penny: You had to tell him?,"Amy: He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today.",Sheldon: Is he okay?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Is he okay?,Penny: He’s still in surgery.,Sheldon: Very well.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Penny: He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky.,"Amy: Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery.","Sheldon: That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?",Penny: I think she meant something a little happier.,"Sheldon: I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The waiting room.,"Penny: Oh, it’s nice you got him that.","Sheldon: Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me.",Amy: Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in.,Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy.,Amy: Who told you to keep going around?,Sheldon: There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Penny: Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.","Amy: Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself.",Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.,Amy: And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.","Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.","Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.",Penny: Really? You won’t even say A?,Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won’t.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won’t.,"Penny: Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.",Sheldon: And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.,"Penny: Sheldon, it was just a little tremor.","Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.","Amy: Sheldon, you can’t go back there.",Sheldon: Try and stop me.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Try and stop me.,Amy: Are you okay?,Sheldon: Why didn’t you stop me?,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas card.",Sheldon: You know this is all your fault.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You know this is all your fault.,Leonard: How is it my fault?,Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.,1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.,"Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn’t even want you there.","Sheldon: Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Penny: Yeah, ’cause you sound really funny.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.","Sheldon: Oh, you’re hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I’m moving out.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Amy: Sheldon will move out eventually.,"Penny: Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door.","Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.",Leonard: You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me.,"Sheldon: Yeah. Tell me those aren’t the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you’re a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Oh, what’d you get?","Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.","Penny: Okay, that’s morbid. Send it back.","Sheldon: I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.”",1
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Leonard: That’s funny. Boy, I’m gonna miss these painkillers.","Penny: Hey, why did you get two? I’m with stupid.","Sheldon: Oh, that one’s mine.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?",Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?,"Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.","Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board.","Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.",Amy: After only 232 episodes.,Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.,Amy: You said you weren’t gonna bring that up.,"Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?",Amy: That was a good one.,Sheldon: It was so good.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Penny: Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.","Amy: And, yes, even shed a tear or two.",Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.,Amy: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?,Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.,Highlight 1,"Sheldon: Crikey, what flag do we have today?",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Amy: Australia, mate.",Highlight 2,Sheldon: And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Highlight 3,"Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on?",Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.,"Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm?",Sheldon: Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.,Highlight 4,"Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?",Amy: I do.,"Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.","Amy: Wow, that flag is a lifesaver.",Sheldon: No. This is. Stop looking at my legs.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Action.,"Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.","LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal.","Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.",LeVar: While?,Sheldon: While you watch me do it.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: While you watch me do it.,LeVar: Great. Happy to be back.,"Sheldon: Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.","LeVar: Oh, hell, no.","Sheldon: You heard him, Leonard. No, it’s not racist.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Penny: Even though your dress is ugly.,Scene:The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.","Amy: Take that, glass ceiling.","Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.","Amy: Cut. Sheldon, that was beautiful.",Sheldon: If you didn’t press record…,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: How come you’re up so late?,"Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.","Leonard: Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.",Sheldon: It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.,Leonard: Sad?,Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.,Leonard: Yeah. What did they say?,"Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.",Leonard: Congratulations.,Sheldon: Let’s celebrate.,1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Let’s celebrate.,"Leonard: Sheldon, that wasn’t for you.","Sheldon: Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.",Scene: LeVar Burton’s house.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?",LeVar: Ugh. What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.",1
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.","LeVar: Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate.","Sheldon: You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents?",Raj; Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.,"Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Amy: Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?","Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.","Sheldon: Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Raj: That would be nice.,"Amy: I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.","Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.",Amy: You’re going.,Sheldon: Why do you hate me?,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Why do you hate me?,Amy: I don’t hate you. I love you.,"Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: Bernadette’s car.,"Bernadette (singing): Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.","Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.","Bernadette (singing): Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off?","Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.",Bernadette: Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.,"Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.","Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy?","Sheldon: Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.","Bernadette: Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something.","Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.",Bernadette: She’s just excited about the holidays.,"Sheldon: Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.",Bernadette: How?,"Sheldon: Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.",Bernadette: What?,Sheldon: I’m going to buy her a present.,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: I’m going to buy her a present.,"Bernadette: Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that.","Sheldon: With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.",Bernadette: Then you’re both sad?,"Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.",Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?,"Sheldon: That’s right. So stay on my good side, or I’ll get you a little something, too.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: A shopping mall.,Bernadette: What about that sweater?,"Sheldon: No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect.",Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me.,"Sheldon: Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.","Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.","Sheldon: I do. Now, let’s find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: Santa’s grotto. ,"Santa: All right, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?",Sheldon: Correct.,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Correct.,Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.,Sheldon: There’s an argument for that. But I want to make sure.,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,"Raj: Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious.",Sheldon: If you like raisins.,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: If you like raisins.,Amy: Thank you. And it’s figs.,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Dr Koothrappali: Can I help you clean up?,"Amy: Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you’re good.","Sheldon: Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts?",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any.",Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.",Amy: You got me something?,"Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.",Amy: Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet.,Sheldon: Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?,"Amy: No, I love it.","Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.",1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.","Amy: Actually, I did get you something.",Sheldon: But what about our agreement?,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: But what about our agreement?,"Amy: Well, you got me something. Here.",Sheldon: Cookies?,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Cookies?,Amy: They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.,Sheldon: They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.,1
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.,"Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I can’t believe this. You’re happy, I’m happy. Well, maybe a holiday that’s all about giving isn’t so… Get your hand out of that box.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: What colour would you like to be?,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: What colour would you like to be?,"Leonard: Well, I’d like to be green, but you know you always take it.","Sheldon: That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.",Leonard: Blue and yellow make green.,"Sheldon: Well, then it’s settled.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, then it’s settled.",Penny: Hi. Ready to go?,"Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.","Amy: Sheldon, we said that we would play games with you tonight.","Sheldon: Oh, no, we’ll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Leonard: No.,Penny: I don’t want to spend the whole day playing a board game.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Leonard: No, no, no, come on, don’t leave. Just try it.","Penny: No. We’re always doing what you guys want. Just once, it’d be nice if you did something we wanted.",Sheldon: You want to be green?,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Penny: Thank you.,Amy: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: And since you’re green this time, I can be it next time.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Leonard: I wasn’t gonna get beat up.,"Penny: You were, but somehow I held myself back.",Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.,Leonard: Now you’re helping them find ways to make us miserable?,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, I’m a problem-solver, it’s what I do.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Ooh, the philharmonic is playing Beethoven downtown.","Sheldon: Before you say yes, it’s not the movie about the big dog.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Amy: Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.,"Leonard: Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy.",Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.,Leonard: That’s what I was doing.,"Sheldon: Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?","Penny: All right, keep thinking.","Sheldon: You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?","Leonard: Well, yeah.","Sheldon: Well, then, it’s settled?",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Amy: What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.,"Penny: It does, somehow he managed to take all the fun out of it.","Sheldon: Well, once again, it’s what I do.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Scene: A clothes shop.,Leonard: This isn’t so bad.,"Sheldon: That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.",Amy: You guys comfy? This might take a while.,Sheldon: I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.,"Penny: No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston.",Sheldon: They have a man there who understands my personal style.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Penny: Bye.,"Leonard: Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.",Leonard: That’s true.,Sheldon: I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.,"Leonard: Sheldon, it’s fine.","Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.","Scene: The same, later.","Sheldon: Let’s see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Let’s see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.","Leonard: Okay. And to defend, I roll two sixes. I win.","Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.","Leonard: I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.","Leonard: Look at you, being all mature.","Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.","Leonard: I, I’m sorry? You make compromises for me?",Sheldon: All the time.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: All the time.,"Leonard: On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living?","Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.",Leonard: That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.,"Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.",Leonard: What? Then. then why don’t you do it?,"Sheldon: Uh, well, it’s scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can’t take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I’m practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Penny: Well, you named it.",Scene: The store.,"Sheldon: Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.",Leonard: Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make?,"Sheldon: I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising.","Leonard: Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak.","Sheldon: Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.","Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you.",Sheldon: Is that true?,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: Is that true?,"Leonard: Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away.","Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.",Leonard: You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting.,"Sheldon: You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.","Leonard: Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while.","Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.",Leonard: Do you mean that?,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.","Leonard: Come on, don’t get upset.",Sheldon: I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.,Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: It’s okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: It’s okay.,Leonard: I’m not leaving your world. I’m just talking about living across the hall.,"Sheldon: I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I’m aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Leonard: Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.,Amy: Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk.,Sheldon: That’s exactly what I told him.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: That’s exactly what I told him.,"Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready.","Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually?",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually?",Leonard: All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?,Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?,Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: When I’m not home.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: When I’m not home.,Leonard: You got it.,"Sheldon: There we go, compromising again. We really are the best.",1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Penny: Don’t tell Amy that. We’ll be here every Sunday.,"Amy: Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket.",Sheldon: It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China.,1
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Amy: Very nice.,"Leonard: Yeah, it looks great.",Sheldon: I saw that.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Okay, we’re headed out, see you later.","Sheldon: Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?","Leonard: Yeah, sure.",Sheldon: Okay. Go ahead.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Penny: Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.","Leonard: Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever.","Sheldon: Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.",Penny: So what do you need the headphones for?,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.","Penny: Yeah, have fun.","Sheldon: Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Penny: And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.,Leonard: Bye.,Sheldon: Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.,"Leonard: Hey, we’re home. Any progress?","Sheldon: How could there be, with these constant interruptions?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What are you doing? It’s time to go.,Sheldon: I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why?,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why?,"Leonard: Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day?",Sheldon: Like a big old baby.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Like a big old baby.,Leonard: Call me if you need anything.,Sheldon: I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.,Penny (off): Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny (off): Ugh!,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny (off): Ugh!,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?","Penny: Ugh, what?",Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.,"Penny: Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it.","Sheldon: Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.","Penny: I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder.",Sheldon: And to clarify?,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: And to clarify?,"Penny: The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?",Sheldon: I’m not going. Would you like to know why?,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I’m not going. Would you like to know why?,"Penny: Uh, you’re sad about not getting anything done last night, so you’re gonna sit around and pout about it?","Sheldon: Boy, I’m not nearly as mysterious as I think I am.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Raj: You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.","Leonard: Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home.","Sheldon: Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.",Howard: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.",Howard: Hold on. What’s in it for us?,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose…",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Howard: Okay, we’ll do it.",Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,Sheldon: Done.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Done.,"Amy: 33 seconds. Okay, that’ll be our baseline.","Sheldon: You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.",Amy: It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers.,Sheldon: And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.,"Amy: All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate.","Sheldon: Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.",Amy: Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.","Amy: Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.",Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?,Amy: My mother said that’s how good girls do it.,Sheldon: Perhaps this was a waste of time.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Perhaps this was a waste of time.,"Amy: Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Amy: And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?","Sheldon: Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…","Amy: Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone.","Sheldon: Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?",Amy: Because you’re happy they’re elevated.,"Sheldon: Oh, that is infuriating. Ooh, look, they went back up again. Terrific. Oh, no, they went back down.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Howard: Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.","Leonard: That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.",Leonard: So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: And you think that’s going to help?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Howard: Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all.","Sheldon: Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.","Leonard: Howard’s right, that’ll never work.","Sheldon: Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.",Raj: I don’t think that’s what you want at all.,"Sheldon: Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?","Leonard: Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said.","Sheldon: I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.","Howard: Yes, we can.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, then do it.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, then do it.",Howard: Nah.,"Sheldon: You guys are the worst. Thank you, I think that was helpful.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Amy: If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?",Penny: Really? Want to go to Hawaii?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?",Penny: Come in.,Sheldon: Ladies.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Ladies.,Penny: What’s up?,"Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?",Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?,"Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.",Bernadette: We were talking about Penny’s job.,"Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.","Penny: Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.","Sheldon: You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Amy: No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?","Bernadette: Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.","Sheldon: Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What is going on?,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.","Leonard: Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night.","Sheldon: Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: You’ve been working so much lately, I’m glad you didn’t forget about date night.",Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Of course.,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Yeah.,Amy: Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me.,Sheldon: I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.,Amy: Fine. How was your day?,"Sheldon: Oh, you said it.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, you said it.","Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon, I’m worried about you. You’re not eating, you haven’t slept in days, and, to be honest, that cap is starting to smell.",Sheldon: I know. It’s replaced Godzilla as my principle source of anxiety.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Howard: I don’t know, he’s not really hurting anybody.",Leonard: You didn’t have to scoop vomit out of your glove compartment.,Sheldon: He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, I want you to take that cap off.","Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.","Amy: I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night.","Sheldon: There you go, perfect.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: There you go, perfect.","Amy: Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away.","Sheldon: But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.",Amy: You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.,"Sheldon: Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.",Amy: That’s not true.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.","Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself.","Sheldon: Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?","Amy: Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety.","Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.","Amy: It’s one thing to make yourself miserable, but you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I’m telling you for the last time, take the cap off.","Sheldon: Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?",Scene: A bus.,"Sheldon: And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. When all I’ve done is try to help humanity reach of the world we live in.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. When all I’ve done is try to help humanity reach of the world we live in.","Man: Yeah, well, women, what are you gonna do?","Sheldon: I knew you’d understand, Armadillo Isaac Newton.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Penny: Okay.,Leonard: Here we are.,Sheldon: Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.,"Leonard: You lie down, he’ll be here in a minute.","Sheldon: Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.","Penny: Now, you just get comfortable.","Sheldon: No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Leonard: Maybe in the morning.,"Penny: Yeah, you get some sleep.","Sheldon: No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.","Penny: You’re right, we can’t.","Sheldon: Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Penny (singing): Soft kitty, warm kitty.",Leonard (singing): Little ball of fur.,Sheldon: That’s not gonna work.,1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The cafeteria.,Howard: You look like you got some rest.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m feeling much better. And I’ve also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels.",1
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Leonard: Yeah, sure.","Howard: Yeah, no problem.",Sheldon: Of course not.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?,Sheldon: Hmm.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Hmm.,Leonard: What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else?,Sheldon: Hmm.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Hmm.,"Leonard: I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?","Sheldon: Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.","Leonard: No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?",Sheldon: It’s good.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: It’s good.,Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: I like it. I think you’re on to something.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: I like it. I think you’re on to something.,Leonard: You do? You’re not messing with me?,"Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.",Leonard: You’re giving me a sticker?,Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.,Leonard: I’m not a preschooler.,"Sheldon: Fine, I’ll take it back.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: You’re still awake?,"Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.",Leonard: You worked out all the math.,"Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.",Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?,Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.,Leonard: When did my idea become our idea?,Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.,Leonard: This is good. Our idea is really good.,"Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.","Leonard: You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.","Sheldon: Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.","Leonard: Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it?","Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.",Leonard: You’re sure it’s good?,Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.,"Leonard: Okay, partner, let’s do it.",Sheldon: Come on. Click the mouse with me.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Together: Click.,"Leonard: Well, we did it.","Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.",Leonard: Is your tongue blue?,Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.,"Leonard: Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.",Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Then we’re probably okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Howard: Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.","Leonard: Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative.","Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.","Leonard: Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?","Sheldon: I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Howard: How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?","Raj: Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv.",Sheldon: Read another one.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Read another one.,"Leonard: Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish.",Sheldon: Who wrote that?,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Who wrote that?,"Leonard: It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity.","Sheldon: Well, I’m responding to it.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m responding to it.","Leonard: Uh, don’t lower yourself to their level.","Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.","Leonard: Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this.",Sheldon: He just left another comment.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Raj: What does it say?,"Leonard: Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter.",Sheldon: Can I respond now?,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Can I respond now?,Leonard: Do it.,"Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’m about to show this guy just how horny I can be.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: The apartment. ,Raj: Did he respond yet?,"Sheldon: Hmm. No, not yet.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Howard: It wasn’t that bad.,Leonard: Read it back one more time.,"Sheldon: My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.",Leonard: And you don’t think that’s too rough?,Sheldon: We’re just standing behind her. It’s not like we’re gonna say boo and scare her.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Amy: You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: He still hasn’t responded. What’s taking him so long?,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: He still hasn’t responded. What’s taking him so long?,Leonard: Do you really want him to write back?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying oh, really?",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Howard: This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off.,Raj: No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off.,"Sheldon: He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is?",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Howard: Yes.,"Raj: Guys, this person’s just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.","Sheldon: Yeah, but it’s still so aggravating.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Howard: Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.",Raj: See? Better with the accent.,Sheldon: And send.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: And send.,Leonard: What did you write?,Sheldon: I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.,Leonard: What does that mean?,"Sheldon: I told him we’ll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Leonard: Are you crazy? You don’t know who this person is. Delete that.,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon!","Sheldon: Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (Skype tone) It’s him. He’s trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken this into the real world.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Raj: I’m so sick of people being mean on the Internet.,"Howard: Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face.",Sheldon: Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Leonard: Never noticed that about you.,"Raj: You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work.",Sheldon: He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.,"Leonard: All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished.","Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.",1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.","Stephen Hawking: Well, hello there.",Sheldon: Professor Hawking?,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Leonard: You really didn’t like our paper?,Stephen Hawking: I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing.,Sheldon: Then why are you attacking us?,1
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Stephen Hawking: If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.",Leonard: Stephen Hawking liked our paper. Said the premise is intriguing.,"Sheldon: Good to see you again, Mr. Stephen-Hawking Liked-Our-Paper.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,,Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,"Sheldon: I’ve invented a science joke, would you like to hear it?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: I’ve invented a science joke, would you like to hear it?",Amy: Sure.,Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?,Amy: How many?,Sheldon: Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.,Amy: Is that really true?,"Sheldon: Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.","Barry: Hey, sowwy to intewupt.","Sheldon: Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?",Barry: Did you know Edison didn’t actuawy invent the wight bulb?,"Sheldon: What do you want, Barry?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Barry: Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.,"Amy: Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it.","Sheldon: Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.","Barry: Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs.",Sheldon: Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?,"Amy: Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal.","Sheldon: Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?","Amy: I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs.","Sheldon: That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.","Amy: Sheldon, we’re all scientists. I helped out a fellow colleague. You’re being petty.","Sheldon: I’m being petty? You know Barry and I have a professional rivalry. You heard him, he told me to suck eggs. If we were friends, he would have suggested I suck something more pleasant. Why are you laughing? Did you learn something?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Scene: The laundry room.,Penny: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: You okay?,"Sheldon: If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.",Penny: What’s going on?,Sheldon: I’m mad at Amy.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: I’m mad at Amy.,"Penny: Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too?",Sheldon: No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.,"Penny: Oh, that sounds like a good thing.","Sheldon: Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.",Penny: I’m sorry I didn’t have a camera.,Sheldon: Why would she do this to me?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Why would she do this to me?,"Penny: Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science?","Sheldon: No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.","Penny: All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go.","Sheldon: Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.","Penny: I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her?","Sheldon: Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?","Penny: Well, you could shove them somewhere.","Sheldon: Okay, now you’re getting creative.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Leonard: Mmm, when really we’re just exiting an uncomfortable situation.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I’m so… Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I’m so… Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?","Penny: I don’t know, just think about something else.",Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?,Penny: Sure.,Sheldon: The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.,"Penny: You know, some people try visualization.",Sheldon: How does that work?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: How does that work?,"Penny: Okay, imagine your problems are a pen.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Okay.,Penny: Now imagine you’re holding that pen.,Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Okay.,Penny: Now open your hand and let it go.,Sheldon: But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.,"Penny: Sheldon, this isn’t that hard.",Sheldon: I may have a better way that you can teach me.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: I may have a better way that you can teach me.,Penny: How?,Sheldon: What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?,Penny: What? She didn’t give me any puzzles.,Sheldon: Are you sure?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Amy (in flashback): Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.",Penny: Son of a bitch.,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.",Penny: I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp.,"Sheldon: Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.",Penny: Why would she even do this?,"Sheldon: She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?",Penny: Make this interesting? You bet money on me?,"Sheldon: No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?",Penny: It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting.,"Sheldon: Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.","Penny: Oh, my, that’s it. Get out.","Sheldon: I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.",Penny: Get out.,Sheldon: Penny?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I think I left my pen in there.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Penny: I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests.,"Amy: Sheldon, open the door.",Sheldon: I can’t. I’m naked.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: I can’t. I’m naked.,Amy: I just saw you.,Sheldon: Hang on.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Leonard: And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.,Penny: Really? You couldn’t get it out?,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Penny: Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.",Amy: That’s not true.,Sheldon: That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Howard: I’m sorry, but it’s making me crazy.",Bernadette: Can you please just let it go?,"Sheldon: Oh, I can help you with that. Imagine you’re holding an ordinary pen. While your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Raj: What can we do?,Howard: I don’t know.,Sheldon: May I say something?,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: May I say something?,"Leonard: Not right now, Sheldon.",Sheldon: But I think it would be comforting.,1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Leonard: Buddy.,"Howard: No, it’s okay. What?","Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn’t have any friends to help me through it. You do.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Amy: She did that to me, too.",Penny: Don’t take this away from me.,"Sheldon: I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.",1
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.","Leonard: If you want, I can yell at you later.",Sheldon: It won’t be as good.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Raj: Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.",Amy: And then they finish it off by staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Leonard: I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?","Penny: Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.","Sheldon: Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…",Amy: No.,Sheldon: You didn’t even let me finish.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: You didn’t even let me finish.,Amy: Forget it.,"Sheldon: So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.",Raj: Why don’t you just do the test?,"Sheldon: In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.",Penny: What? You’re okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Penny: I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.,"Amy: That’s what I said. Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.","Sheldon: Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Credits sequence.,Scene: The hallway. ,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It’s the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It’s the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.","Penny: You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.","Sheldon: Okay, babe, let’s do this.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Howard: The world’s greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: You ready to begin?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: You ready to begin?,Penny: Yup. Be right there. I assume you don’t want wine.,Sheldon: Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.,Penny: What heavy machinery? Let’s just start.,"Sheldon: Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…","Penny: Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?",Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?,Penny: Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living.,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.",Penny: You sure that’s your choice? ‘Cause I’ve had that dinner.,"Sheldon: Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?","Penny: Robert Downey, Jr.","Sheldon: Oh, I didn’t think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Raj: Oh, so kind of like what’s happening with Penny right now.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?,"Penny: Uh, well, I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.",Sheldon: That’s it?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: That’s it?,"Penny: Yeah, why?",Sheldon: You didn’t mention Leonard.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: You didn’t mention Leonard.,Penny: He’s there.,"Sheldon: I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.","Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What’s yours?","Sheldon: Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.","Penny: Interesting, you didn’t mention Amy.",Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Clerk: I’m sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?","Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.",Sheldon: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.,"Penny: Come on, I’m just having some fun with you.",Sheldon: I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.,"Penny: Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.",Sheldon: Ha. Keep dreaming.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Shedon: I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.","Penny: Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing.",Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?,Penny: You’re all alike.,"Sheldon: Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.",Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.","Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.",Sheldon: You sure it’s not too much Bible juice?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?","Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.",Penny: Today’s your birthday?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Yes.,"Penny: Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.","Penny: So, why did you finally tell me?",Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.,"Penny: Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won’t tell anyone.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Thank you.,Penny: That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.,Sheldon: You’re making it difficult to love you right now.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Bernadette: Oh, no. That thing’s gonna end up in my bedroom.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: That’s it. We’re done with the questions.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: That’s it. We’re done with the questions.,Penny: All that’s left to do is stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking.,"Sheldon: Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go.",Penny: You ready?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: And begin. This is kind of creepy.,Sheldon: We’re not supposed to talk during this part.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: We’re not supposed to talk during this part.,Penny: Sorry.,Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.,Penny: Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.,"Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.","Penny: Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too.","Sheldon: Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.",Penny: I meant more like a little brother.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.",Penny: It’s getting creepy again.,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: What?,Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.,Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.,Penny: Can you believe it’s been eight years?,"Sheldon: Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.",Penny: I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life.,"Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.",Penny: That’s it. That wasn’t so bad.,"Sheldon: No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.","Penny: Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.","Sheldon: And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.",Penny: Like what?,"Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?",Scene: The hallway.,Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.,1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.,Penny: I just want to make sure you get there safe.,"Sheldon: Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening.",1
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Penny: It really has.,All: SURPRISE!,Sheldon: Aah! And after I let you be Gary.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Leonard: Hey.,Penny: Hi.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re back.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Amy: We have some exciting news.,Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Amy: After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Do you want to say it?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Together: We’re getting a turtle.,Penny: This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice.,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Penny: Yes.,Amy: Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.,"Sheldon: No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.",Leonard: Why a turtle?,"Sheldon: After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.","Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobblestone.","Sheldon: Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that’s also why I chose you as a roommate.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Emily: Well, her torso is. Just kidding. I put her in a wood chipper.",Scene: A pet store.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.",Amy: It’s okay. You made it. We’re fine.,Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.,"Amy: Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?","Amy: Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead.","Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.","Amy: But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work.",Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.,Amy: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.","Amy: You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me?",Sheldon: Would you have approved?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Would you have approved?,Amy: Of course not.,"Sheldon: Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn’t that right, Giuseppe?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Leonard: Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.",Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.,Amy: No one told you to poke the turtle’s face.,Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.,"Amy: I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.","Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.","Amy: Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.",Sheldon: So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?,Amy: I would at least mention it before filling out the application.,"Sheldon: Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.","Amy: And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.","Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.","Amy: You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?,Amy: No. Forget it.,Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?,Amy: Please don’t.,"Sheldon: Yep, you’re mad.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Raj: Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.",Amy: Why do you even want to do this?,"Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?",Amy: Can’t you just tell me?,Sheldon: But I made a video.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Leonard (on video): I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.,"Sheldon (on video): But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it’s my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. To Mars.","Sheldon: Afterwards, Leonard blew his nose, and pie came out.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: I think I’m gonna go home.,Sheldon: Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here.,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here.,"Amy: You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.","Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.",Amy: Sure. Unless something better comes along.,Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?,Amy: What I want is for us to be planning our future together.,"Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.",Amy: We’re on the same planet.,Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?,1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?,Amy: Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?",Amy: Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?","Amy: You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.","Sheldon: You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?","Amy: Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.","Sheldon: They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?",1
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?","Amy: I guess we’ll have to make a new video together, as a couple.","Sheldon: Good idea. And since you’ve had such a rough day, I’m gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard’s face.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,,Scene: The lobby.,"Sheldon: Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.","Amy: I’d say I’m sorry I asked, except I didn’t.","Sheldon: Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.","Amy: Oh, let me see.",Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.,"Amy: Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all.","Sheldon: Well, that can’t be right.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Well, that can’t be right.",Amy: It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him?,Sheldon: All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.,Amy: Poor Leonard.,Sheldon: Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.,Amy: He might not be.,"Sheldon: Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.",Amy: Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’d be incensed.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, I’d be incensed.",Amy: So you see what I’m getting at?,Sheldon: Squeaky wheel gets the grease?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Squeaky wheel gets the grease?,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Grass is always greener?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Grass is always greener?,Amy: Try again.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.","Amy: Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad.",Sheldon: But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.,Amy: Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it?,"Sheldon: Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.",Amy: Exactly.,"Sheldon: For the record, that kid was a terrible choice. If you cry when you drop your churro, you do not have what it takes to rule England.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Howard: Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody’s looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.","Leonard: Actually, your name is on the electric bill.","Sheldon: Oh, right. This is a disaster.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, right. This is a disaster.",Leonard: I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree.,"Sheldon: Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.",Leonard: What’s going on?,Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.,Leonard: Did they hate it?,"Sheldon: No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.",Leonard: So what’s the problem?,Sheldon: You know how the PennySaver only has my name…,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: You know how the PennySaver only has my name…,Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.,Leonard: Really?,"Sheldon: I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.","Leonard: Uh, that, that’s not necessary.","Sheldon: It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.",Leonard: Cooper and his team?,Sheldon: You should know I had nothing to do with that.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: You should know I had nothing to do with that.,"Leonard: Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important.","Sheldon: You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.",Leonard: That’s not helping.,"Sheldon: Well, I’d give more examples, but, well, everyone in your position’s so forgettable.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: It does have a camera in it.,Leonard: Baby’s listening.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.,Leonard: What happened? Did you tell him it was my idea?,Sheldon: I did.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: I did.,Leonard: Thank you. What did he say?,Sheldon: He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Leonard: Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea.,"Penny: You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow.","Sheldon: Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks?,"Leonard: If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working.",Sheldon: Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.",Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: All he had was an idea.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: All he had was an idea.,"Amy: Well, that is an important part.","Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.",Amy: But Leonard’s idea was good.,"Sheldon: Fine. Then Grumpy, what’s he so grumpy about? Maybe his girlfriend won’t take his side.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: And that’s why you get an iPad helicopter.,Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: Is it my fault I have a much bigger reputation than he does?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Is it my fault I have a much bigger reputation than he does?,Amy: It’s not your fault.,Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?,Amy: Not your fault.,Sheldon: Is it my fault that when the reporter cited me as the lead scientist I didn’t correct him?,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Leonard: So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?",Stuart: And there goes the mood.,"Sheldon: Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.",Leonard: Subtle.,"Sheldon: But you got it, right?",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Amy: Yes, so please behave yourselves.",Leonard: Fine.,Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Howard: That’s not true. We’ve got tomatoes right here.,Amy: All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon.,"Sheldon: Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Penny: Oh, so it’s like The View.","Amy: Sheldon, The View is a daytime talk show hosted by women.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m aware. It features Whoopi Goldberg. She played Guinan on Star Trek: Next Gen. Penny, Next Gen refers to Star Trek…",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Howard: I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.,"Penny: Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss.",Sheldon: I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Leonard: Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?","Bernadette: Oh, that’s fine.","Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That’s a lovely little notion. Kind of like, I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago. Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. Hello? Oh, hold on. Leonard, it’s your uncle. He says you just got burned.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Leonard: No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?","Howard: Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real.","Sheldon: Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.","Leonard: Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering.","Sheldon: Leonard, please. His mother just died.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Leonard, please. His mother just died.",Leonard: You’re being ridiculous.,"Sheldon: Yeah, so are you.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Yeah, so are you.","Penny: Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon.","Sheldon: Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.","Leonard: Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me.","Sheldon: Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.",Amy: And girls.,"Sheldon: Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.",Leonard: So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit?,Sheldon: I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Leonard: You want some of this? I’ll give you some.,"Bernadette: Hey. Sheldon, Leonard, living room, right now!","Sheldon: She said my name first, that must kill you.",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: I don’t think I’ve eaten that much in my entire life.,Howard: It’s why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off.,"Sheldon: You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert…",1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Ra: So glad you two are done fighting.,"Leonard: Right now, I’m just trying to burp without throwing up.",Sheldon: Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper.,1
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Stuart: What’d they say?,Amy: Who cares? Did they mention Leonard?,Sheldon: They did.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.","Leonard: Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway.","Sheldon: Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.",Amy: Are you all set for your trip?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Penny: PRK?,Leonard: Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.,Sheldon: I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.,Leonard: Keep going.,"Sheldon: And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener. Um, noise-cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Um, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Uh, let’s see, we have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose. Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn’t some kind of weirdo.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called I Can’t Spy? It’s all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called I Can’t Spy? It’s all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.,"Leonard: If it’s half as much fun as One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall, I’m in.","Sheldon: I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.",Leonard: That soy Frappuccino I had.,Sheldon: Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.,"Leonard: I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos?",Sheldon: I don’t want to play anymore.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I don’t want to play anymore.,Leonard: We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun.,"Sheldon: We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.","Leonard: No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool.","Sheldon: I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.",Leonard: What? This road trip just got crazy.,"Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.",Leonard: I’m surprised you know that reference.,Sheldon: What reference?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Bernadette: Of course.,"Scene: Leonard’s car. “Play that funky music, white boy” is playing on the stereo.","Sheldon: So they’re requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: So they’re requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well?,Leonard: Sure.,Sheldon: Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?,Leonard: It could be.,"Sheldon: So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?",Leonard: Exactly.,Sheldon: Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.,Leonard: Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early.,Sheldon: Will our hotel room be ready?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Will our hotel room be ready?,Leonard: I doubt it.,Sheldon: Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?,"Leonard: If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see?","Sheldon: Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.","Leonard: Oh, that’s true. It’s not like we can get in there.",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Why not?,Leonard: I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.,"Sheldon: Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.","Leonard: We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.","Sheldon: Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.","Leonard: I’m about to lose control, and I think I like it.",Sheldon: What are you talking about?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Amy: If you still have that bra, I’ll give you a nickel for it.",Scene: Leonard’s car. ,Sheldon: There it is. It’s just a gate. On a road.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: There it is. It’s just a gate. On a road.,Leonard: Wasn’t even that hard to find.,Sheldon: This is so amazing.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: This is so amazing.,Leonard: I know. You want to get a picture?,Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.,"Leonard: Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us.",Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?,"Leonard: No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.","Sheldon: There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.","Leonard: Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I’m a little nervous.","Sheldon: Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.",Leonard: Right.,"Sheldon: You pushed it, are you out of your mind?",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Voice: May I help you?,"Leonard: Um, uh, uh, uh, we don’t have an appointment, and, and we don’t belong here, but we, we’re, like, crazy-big fans. I mean uh, buh, buh, crazy for Star Wars crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don’t want to look in.",Sheldon: You’re blowing it. We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Leonard: And that’s how it’s done.,"Scene: The same, further inside the ranch. ","Sheldon: All right, we’ve defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: All right, we’ve defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.","Leonard: We’re trying to get past a security guard, not rescue Zelda.","Sheldon: I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?","Leonard: Uh, I’m just gonna be honest with the guy.",Sheldon: Honesty will never get us in.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Honesty will never get us in.,"Leonard: Well, what’s your plan?","Sheldon: All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Security Guard: Who are you here to see?,"Leonard: Uh, I’m just gonna tell you the truth.","Sheldon: Oh, you are killing me.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Leonard: We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.","Security Guard: Sorry, guys, we get this a lot. Can’t let you in.",Sheldon: What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Security Guard: Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.",Leonard: Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Security Guard: Don’t move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.",Voice: Copy.,"Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it’s rustic, it’s lovely. I’d take a picture, but people are chasing me. I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it. They have Tasers, but they wouldn’t dare use… Aaaaaaagh!",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Raj: So did I.,Scene: An office in Skywalker Ranch. ,Sheldon: Do you think they’re gonna call the police?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Do you think they’re gonna call the police?,Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.,"Sheldon: Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who…",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion, ,"Leonard: Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too.","Sheldon: So, what are you in for?",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: So, what are you in for?","Nerdy Guy: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.",Sheldon: But why are you here?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: But why are you here?,"Nerdy Guy: Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Nerdy Guy: Uh, what about me?","Security Guard: No, you’re not going anywhere, kissy face. Let’s go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.","Sheldon: Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? Ooh, grumpy you are.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Bernadette: If this doesn’t get him into your bedroom, nothing will.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?,"Leonard: Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.","Sheldon: Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.","Leonard: The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why?","Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.","Leonard: Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it.","Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.",Leonard: That part was pretty good.,Sheldon: See?,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: See?,Leonard: You did flop around a lot.,Sheldon: I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.,"Leonard: You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.",Sheldon: That’s amazing.,1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: That’s amazing.,Leonard: I know.,"Sheldon: And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?",Leonard: I guess this could count as an adventure.,"Sheldon: It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.",1
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.",Scene: Amy’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: Amy, the Daleks are right on my tail, quick, we need to reset the time circuits. Oh, no, I left my sonic screwdriver behind.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Raj: The guy who invented it says it’s jif.,"Howard: I’m sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?","Sheldon: Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.",Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it.,"Sheldon: I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.","Howard: Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass.",Sheldon: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.,"Leonard: Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this.",Sheldon: Agreed.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: Can you please pass the salt?,Sheldon: Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.,Amy: Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be?,"Sheldon: I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?","Amy: No, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.","Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.",Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.,"Amy: Well, it applies to you, too.","Sheldon: I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you’re concerned, I’m smiling. Although, I must admit, I’m smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Leonard: Stay out of it, Kevin Smith.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?,Amy: Probably not. It’s an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities.,"Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.",Amy: Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.,"Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.","Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.","Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.","Amy: And at the same time, not.",Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.,"Amy: You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort.",Sheldon: Isn’t that a little juvenile?,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Isn’t that a little juvenile?,Amy: More juvenile than this?,Sheldon: I’ll get the blankets. You Google how to have childlike fun.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Scene: The apartment. Including fort.,"Amy: How’s it going, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights.,Amy: Can I come in?,"Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.",Amy: Amazing.,Sheldon: I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.,Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let’s sit on the floor.,Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Howard: You are my brother.,Scene: The fort.,"Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or fort off, are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or fort off, are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.","Amy: I’d say, Knox over Ticonderoga, ’cause it’s got the gold.",Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,Amy: And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over.,"Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.",Amy: We both know this one’s gonna win.,"Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.","Amy: Come on, I’ll help you take this down.","Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?","Amy: Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.",Sheldon: That’s a big step.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: That’s a big step.,Amy: It’s a big fort.,"Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.",Amy: PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers.,"Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.",Amy: You got yourself a sleepover.,Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?,Amy: Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?,"Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room?",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Hello? What is this?,Sheldon: We built a fort.,1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Amy: Yes, they are.","Leonard: Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep.","Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?","Leonard: Yeah, I’m good.","Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.","Leonard: Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort?","Sheldon: I want to say no, but it’s too glorious. Get in here.",1
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Leonard: Thank you.,"Amy: Okay, have a seat on the floor.",Sheldon: Not there. That’s my spot.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Hey, would you like to hear some songs I’ve rewritten to get children interested in the hard sciences?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Leonard: Really?,"Howard: Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it.","Sheldon: There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…","Leonard: Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it.","Sheldon: Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.","Leonard: That’s pretty cool, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Leonard: Hey.,Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.","Leonard: Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.","Sheldon: All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.","Raj: Anyway, I’m among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system.",Sheldon: Excellent.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Raj: And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.,Leonard: Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind?,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.","Howard: Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities.",Sheldon: Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Scene: The hallway.,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.","Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.","Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.","Sheldon: I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.","Penny: Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you.","Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.","Penny: No, no. It’s about my acting career.","Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.",Penny: Well.,"Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.","Penny: Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.","Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.","Penny: Well, why?","Sheldon: I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.",Penny: You’re really not gonna tell me?,"Sheldon: No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, trains, tell me more, or you can just look at me like that and I’ll start.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Bernadette: There’s my big boss man.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.","Penny: Okay. Sheldon, let me ask you a question.",Sheldon: Mmm.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Sheldon: Mmm.,"Penny: If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on?",Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.",Penny: Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man.,"Sheldon: Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?","Penny: Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks.","Sheldon: No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.",Penny: I’m sorry. What was I thinking?,"Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?","Penny: ‘Cause I already know what he’ll say. Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn’t do it.","Sheldon: Ah, it’s just like he’s here.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon (singing): It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the ear of the bat, it’s the whiskers of the catfish and the walrus.","Howard: Hang on. Not that your song isn’t terrible, it is. but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar?","Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. And also regarding the bat, it has sonar.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.","Howard: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon?",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.,Leonard: We want you back on the project with us.,"Sheldon: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that.,"Raj: It wasn’t, so are you in?",Sheldon: Certainly.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: Sure.,"Leonard: Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it.","Sheldon: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.","Raj: Okay, I think we should do it right now.",Sheldon: Tonight works better for me.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Scene: The apartment. ,"Raj: So, I’d like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it.","Sheldon: Uh, building on that, we should order dinner.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Howard: Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.","Raj: Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said.","Sheldon: Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Leonard: Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.",Howard: I saw the menu. They have soy cheese.,"Sheldon: Bah, you didn’t say building on. You’re out.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Leonard: It’s not Simon Says.,"Raj: Yeah, you’re missing the point, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You’re out, and you’re out. I win. Who wants pizza?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like.",Howard: The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.",Leonard: Squeeze yourself.,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.,"Raj: Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth?","Sheldon: Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: It’s not always.,"Leonard: What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba’s head, and I got to be his fat slug butt.",Sheldon: We looked great.,1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.",Howard: You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you.,"Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.","Howard: Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us.","Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.",Leonard: Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us.,"Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. Raj is in charge.","Sheldon: Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?",1
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?","Raj: He’s right. If you think about it, we’re all in charge.","Sheldon: No, the guy in charge is in ch… why is everyone so bad at these?",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?","Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.","Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?",Leonard: Nope. It’s pretty exciting.,Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?,Leonard: How would I be blinded?,"Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.",Leonard: I’ll take my chances.,Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make I told you so cards in braille.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.",Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm.,Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image.",Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.,Howard: Maybe we should recalibrate it.,Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: All right.,"Howard: Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.",Sheldon: It actually says at least?,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: It actually says at least?,Howard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?,Howard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: You see where I’m going with this.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: You see where I’m going with this.,Howard: Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.,"Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.",Howard: Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.,"Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?",Howard: It means the calibration failed. We have to start over.,"Sheldon: Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… eleven. It’s a good thing I didn’t send that letter.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: No red and yellow, no red and yellow.",Sheldon: Yay.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Yay.,Howard: It’s green.,"Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.","Howard: Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.","Sheldon: Oh, no.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Oh, no.","Howard: Oh. All right, playtime’s over. Let’s open this baby up.",Sheldon: Won’t that void the warranty?,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: Boy, oh, boy, that’s a lot of pieces.","Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?","Howard: Yes, of course.",Sheldon: What about this one?,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: What about this one?,"Howard: Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?",Sheldon: Not very.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Not very.,Howard: That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.,"Sheldon: So, can you get it working?",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: So, can you get it working?",Howard: I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station.,Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn’t work.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Raj: Hey, guys.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Hello.,Raj: I have to return the helicopter. My father… What did you do?,"Sheldon: Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Howard: Relax, it’ll be fine.","Raj: No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.",Sheldon: You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.,Raj: What?,Sheldon: I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.","Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.",Howard: One toy at a time.,"Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Raj: What’s the first one?,Howard: Suicide.,Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Raj: You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.","Howard: It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.","Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Bernadette: Why don’t you just call tech support?,Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Whoa.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Bernadette: I call tech support all the time.,Howard: Ha-ha.,Sheldon: You call tech support.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?",Sheldon: Check.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Raj: Check.,Howard: Battery charged?,Sheldon: Check.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Howard: All right. All systems go. In five…,"Together: Four, three, two, one.",Sheldon: That’s what my train used to do.,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Tech Support Voice: Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.,"Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.","Sheldon: It is awful, isn’t it? Listen to that noise.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Bernadette: Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.,"Howard: Well, I’m not flying it.",Sheldon: Then who is?,1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Then who is?,Howard: I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.,"Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.","Tech Support Guy: Tech Support, can I help you?","Sheldon: Yes, it’s a robot uprising. Call the police.",1
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Leonard: So you really think they liked it?,"Penny: Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I…","Sheldon: Don’t worry, everyone in here is safe.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.",Amy: It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.,"Sheldon: Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Penny: Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.","Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they’re a bouquet of severed plant genitals.",Sheldon: You act like I didn’t get you that mushroom log on Valentine’s Day.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Amy: Do you think the moms will get along?,"Leonard: Uh, I don’t know. They’re pretty different.","Sheldon: Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Scene: The apartment.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.","Mrs Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.","Mrs Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.","Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?","Mrs Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.","Sheldon: Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?",Mrs Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?,"Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I’m just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Dr Hofstadter: Ugh.,"Leonard: Hey, look who’s here.","Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.","Dr Hofstadter: Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Dr Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.","Leonard: That’s so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.","Sheldon: Doctor Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Mrs Cooper: He did?,"Dr Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he’s terrific.","Sheldon: Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Leonard: You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.","Dr Hofstadter: Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?","Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.","Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.","Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.","Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.",Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.",Sheldon: But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.",Sheldon: I was a handful.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Raj: I do. And some of it’s wool, so dry flat if possible.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.",Dr Hofstadter: You don’t look very happy.,"Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.",Mrs Cooper: Shelly does not like change.,"Sheldon: Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Dr Hofstadter: Hello. Oh, okay.","Penny: Sorry, I forgot.",Sheldon: You remember my mother.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Penny: Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.","Dr Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.","Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.",Leonard: We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?,"Sheldon: Oh, sure.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, sure.",Leonard: It came from Tiffany’s.,"Sheldon: You mean the box, right?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Leonard: Keep walking.,Penny: Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.,Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?,"Leonard: Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.",Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?,"Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner.","Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.","Leonard: Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.","Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.","Penny: Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.",Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Scene: A coffee shop.,Dr Hofstadter: I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.",Dr Hofstadter: I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.,"Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.",Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.,"Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.",Dr Hofstadter: I suppose.,Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.,1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.,Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?,"Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?",1
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Leonard: Oh, really? That’s too bad.","Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.",Sheldon: I taught her that.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Can you believe it’s been five years since our first date?,Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?,Amy: That’s what you’re thinking about?,"Sheldon: Well, one of the things.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Well, one of the things.",Amy: Are any of them me?,"Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.",Amy: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.","Amy: I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.",Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.,"Amy: Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?","Sheldon: Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.","Amy: Oh, sure, I’d love to.",Sheldon: Whenever you’re ready.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers’ market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.",Leonard: Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite?,Sheldon: What happened?,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: What happened?,"Penny: Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals.",Sheldon: Been there.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Been there.,Penny: Mmm. So what do you need help with?,"Sheldon: Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.",Penny: Okay. Were you talking before she got upset?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: That’s probably it. What’d you say to her?,"Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.",Penny: And that made her angry?,"Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.","Penny: Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her.",Sheldon: It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Penny: Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard?,Leonard: I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.",Leonard: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.,"Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.","Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.","Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.","Penny: Okay, see, that’s even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.","Sheldon: If that happens, don’t make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Leonard: Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em.,Penny: Still haven’t heard from her?,"Sheldon: No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.","Penny: Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.",Sheldon: Too slow?,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Too slow?,"Penny: Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together.",Sheldon: That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.,"Penny: Uh, hello.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Hello.,"Penny: No. Sheldon, we’re getting married.","Sheldon: But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.","Penny: Well, we will. We’re just not in a rush.",Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Okay.,Leonard: We’re gonna set a date.,Sheldon: Okay. If you say so.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Leonard: Yeah, we’ll pick a date when we pick a date.",Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: You know, I can see why Amy’s mad at you.","Sheldon: Yeah, shut up, Sheldon.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Leonard: Well, of course I know why. But just for fun, why?","Penny: Not in a rush, busy with work…",Sheldon: Things are good right now.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Well, you want a date, pick a date.","Leonard: It’s not just the date. We haven’t talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor?",Sheldon: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Leonard: Fine. I want black-tie.,Penny: Fine. I want to release butterflies.,Sheldon: Seriously? Airborne worms?,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Penny: Sounds perfect.,Leonard: Great.,Sheldon: You still didn’t pick a date.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Raj: Of ghosts, no. Of you, little bit.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: No, it’s okay.","Leonard: Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff.","Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?","Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now.","Sheldon: Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?",Penny: Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything.,"Sheldon: So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not a whiner.",Sheldon: It’s amusing that he doesn’t hear it.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Ew, 50? We’ll be old and gross.","Leonard: Yeah, but we’ll be old and gross together.","Sheldon: My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Penny: Vegas isn’t that far away.,Leonard: I’m in. Let’s do it.,Sheldon: After all these years. I’m really happy for the two of you.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Oh, thank you.",Leonard: Thanks.,Sheldon: Now get out of my spot.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy (on skype): Hello.,"Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…",1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…","Amy: I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years.",Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.,"Amy: Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.",Sheldon: Oh.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Oh.,Amy: I hope you understand.,Sheldon: Okay.,1
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Okay.,"Amy: Bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you’re an expert on rings. What do I do with this one?",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Penny: No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.","Leonard: Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey.","Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?",Leonard: No. Why?,Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.,Leonard: Why not?,"Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.",Leonard: What happened now?,Sheldon: Amy has ended our relationship.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Leonard: Amy broke up with Sheldon.,Penny: She did?,Sheldon: Is Penny crying?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Is Penny crying?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.","Leonard: Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?","Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.","Leonard: Sheldon, uh, okay, just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.",Sheldon: Whatever.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Amy: Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.,"Penny: Amy, don’t be like that.",Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy’s name?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy’s name?,Leonard: Penny’s on the phone with her.,"Sheldon: Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Leonard: Hey.,"Penny: She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.",Sheldon: Amy’s upset? Is it about me?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Amy’s upset? Is it about me?,"Leonard: No, I think it’s because we’re eloping.","Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Oh. What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.","Amy: Well, it’s only been 11 hours.","Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.","Amy: Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know.",Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?,Amy: Sure.,"Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.",Amy: We’re not back together.,"Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?","Amy: If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding.",Sheldon: And who’s this guy you’re taking?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: And who’s this guy you’re taking?,Amy: There’s no guy.,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.",Amy: I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends.,"Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?",Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.,Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That’s our thing.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Stuart: Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.","Bernadette: For God’s sake, Sheldon, what are you doing?",Sheldon: I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Howard: I’m on it.,"Amy: Sheldon, you being here might not be making things better.",Sheldon: I see. And is that why everybody was invited but me?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Leonard: We’re good.,Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s House.,"Sheldon: Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another.",Raj: Didn’t even crack the top ten.,"Sheldon: Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Amy: I said I needed time to think.,Raj: I’m sure you guys will figure something out.,Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.,"Bernadette: Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting.","Sheldon: I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.",Howard: I’m not taking sides.,"Sheldon: Fine, I guess I’m stuck with Raj.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Howard: Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.","Bernadette: No, we totally won.","Sheldon: Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.",Amy: It’s because you’re not giving me any space to think.,"Sheldon: Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Amy: You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.",Bernadette: Amy.,Sheldon: Will someone take me home?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Mother.",Mrs Cooper: Shelly! How’s my baby doing?,Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, what’s going on?",Sheldon: She broke up with me.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: She broke up with me.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly.","Sheldon: No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.","Mrs Cooper: Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good?",Sheldon: It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.,Mrs Cooper: You want to tell me what happened?,Sheldon: Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?,Mrs Cooper: Good chance.,"Sheldon: Then no, thank you.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Then no, thank you.","Mrs Cooper: Well, honey, don’t send it back yet. Your sister’s married, and I’m not letting your brother give my grandmother’s ring to that whore he’s dating.",Sheldon: Wasn’t Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Penny: I thought I was okay, but it turns out I’m not.","Leonard: Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.","Sheldon: Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.",Leonard: I’m not glowing. I’m upset.,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon (outside): Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?",Penny: What’s this?,"Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.",Penny: Oh. That’s so sweet of you.,"Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.",Penny: I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.","Penny: You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.",Sheldon: He does? Who is it?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: He does? Who is it?,Penny: Some girl named Mandy.,Sheldon: Mandy Chao?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Mandy Chao?,Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,than Leonard.,Penny: That’s great.,"Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.",Penny: That’s ridiculous.,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.",Penny: I’m with Leonard.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?",Penny: Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it.,Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?,Penny: I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.,Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?,"Penny: Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.","Sheldon: I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.",Penny: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?",Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: Thank you. And slam it hard, because I am pretty steamed.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Stuart: Really?,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?,"Leonard: Sure, let’s make it an even hundred.",Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.,Leonard: I wouldn’t.,Sheldon: And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.,"Leonard: Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.",1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.",Leonard: I figured that out.,Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.,1
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.,Leonard: Can’t believe I’m spending my wedding night with you.,Sheldon: Really? I never imagined it any other way.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Why are you up?,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Why are you up?,"Leonard: How am I supposed to sleep? I’ve been married less than 24 hours, and my wife isn’t speaking to me.","Sheldon: Perhaps you can think of this n a more positive light. In one day, you’ve managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Penny: You couldn’t sleep either?,Leonard: Of course not.,"Sheldon: Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Penny: I don’t know.,"Leonard: Please, tell me how I can fix it.","Sheldon: Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Penny: Actually, I think he’s onto something.","Leonard: You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy?",Sheldon: I’m currently single.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Penny: That’s true. You are.,Leonard: What is happening?,Sheldon: I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on skype): Sheldon, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again.","Sheldon: Well, hello to you, too.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Well, hello to you, too.",Amy: What do you want?,"Sheldon: I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.",Amy: What baby?,Sheldon: A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.,Amy: I’m hanging up.,Sheldon: Great. See you in about half an hour.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Great. See you in about half an hour.,"Amy: Sheldon, I am not doing Fun With Flags with you.",Sheldon: Why not?,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Why not?,Amy: Because we’re broken up.,"Sheldon: Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.",Amy: No one’s talking about Sonny and Cher.,"Sheldon: You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.","Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I’ve seen and talked to you more in the two days we’ve been broken up than in the last two months that we were together.","Sheldon: Well, if you want to see less of me, maybe we should go out again.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Sheldon knocks three times. ,Amy: What are you doing here?,Sheldon: I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.,Amy: And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door.,"Sheldon: On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.",Amy: Just give me the box.,Sheldon: Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?,Amy: Fine. My old scarf.,Sheldon: You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?,"Amy: You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia?","Sheldon: We made one heck of a team, huh?",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: We made one heck of a team, huh?",Amy: Whose bra is this?,"Sheldon: It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.",Amy: It’s Penny’s.,"Sheldon: Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.",Amy: Good-bye.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Hmm. Tables work, too. Good to know.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon (entering): Hello.,"Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy?","Sheldon: Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.","Penny: Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information.",Sheldon: Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.,"Penny: Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman?","Sheldon: Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.","Leonard: Wake up, wake up, wake up.",Sheldon: Bring Penny to meet Mandy.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Bring Penny to meet Mandy.,Leonard: What? Why?,"Sheldon: Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.","Leonard: Uh, first of all, you made that guy cry.",Sheldon: And we learned that you don’t need an eyeball to do that.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Penny: No, but now that you’re being weird about it, maybe I should.",Leonard: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?,Sheldon: Yes. And that’s coming from me.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Leonard: How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.,"Penny: Yeah, well, maybe she has interest in you.","Sheldon: In Leonard? Oh, even the Sparkletts guy could see that’s unlikely.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Bernadette: Oh, me neither, not until just now.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun With Flags. You may notice that I’m holding a remote control. That’s because my cameraperson and co-host, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, has chosen to end her relationship with me. I’m going to pause here to let that sink in. Okay. If you need to pause a little longer, just click the pause button. But the show must go on. And thankfully, all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand. Anyway, let’s not spend any more time talking about her. We’re here to talk about flags. Tonight’s theme, flags of countries that have been torn apart and the women I have a feeling were responsible.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon (on screen): And then the Czech Republic says to Slovakia, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. Can you believe that? You’d think that the Czech Republic would try to hold on to what it had, given that it’s not as young as it used to be. And I don’t see any other countries lining up to invade its southern borders.",Amy: I’m gonna kill him.,"Sheldon: But enough about the Czech Republic. Let’s talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn’t. And yet Romania gets dumped. I’ll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe you got us a wedding gift.","Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.",Leonard: What is this?,Sheldon: Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Leonard: Wow.,Penny: That’s so great.,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.",Penny: We?,Sheldon: Is there a problem?,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Penny: Oh, no, no, I just, I said, Whee.",Amy (at door): How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?,"Sheldon: You saw through that one, did you?",1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: You saw through that one, did you?","Amy: I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now.",Sheldon: She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.,1
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.,Amy: I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line this is gonna make you mad.,Sheldon: She was listening through the door. She wants me.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Would you pass the mustard?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Would you pass the mustard?,"Leonard: Sure. Hey, want to hear a fun fact about mustard?",Sheldon: Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Well, that was fun. Good for you, Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Leonard: What are you talking about?,"Raj: Well, you eloped and we didn’t get a chance to throw you a bachelor party, so there’s a van downstairs and we’re here to take you to a surprise location for the weekend.","Sheldon: Well, I’d hardly call this kidnapping. Where’s the blindfold? Where’s the duct tape? Where’s the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say I’m getting too old for this crud?",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Raj: Yeah, Penny packed you a bag.","Howard: Wow, okay.",Sheldon: You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?,"Raj: Oh, not just him, you’re coming, too.","Sheldon: Oh, and how do you think you’re going to get me to do that?",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Oh, and how do you think you’re going to get me to do that?","Scene: Outside, by a van.",Sheldon: Unhand me. This is ridiculous.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Credits sequence.,Scene: The van.,Sheldon: It’s bad enough I’m being taken against my will. I don’t see why it has to be in some hippie’s mobile sex dungeon.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: It’s bad enough I’m being taken against my will. I don’t see why it has to be in some hippie’s mobile sex dungeon.,"Howard: Well, Sheldon, there’s something about this van that you’re going to find very interesting.",Sheldon: It runs on syphilis?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: It runs on syphilis?,"Raj: This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero, Richard Feynman.",Sheldon: No.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Raj: Yeah, nothing’s been changed since he drove it.",Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.,"Sheldon: Yeah, and talked about physics with them.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Howard: We are going to Me-hi-co.,"Leonard: Fun, I’ve never been there.","Sheldon: Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.",Raj: What’s wrong with Mexico?,"Sheldon: Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.","Howard: Okay, calm down. There’s a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman’s van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.",Sheldon: Viva la Imodium. Ay-ay-ay.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Amy: Boy, that was a long night for me.",Scene: The van.,"Sheldon: Uh-oh. According to this Mexican customs website, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Uh-oh. According to this Mexican customs website, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.",Raj: We don’t have any of those.,"Sheldon: How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.","Leonard: If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now?",Sheldon: Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?,Howard: You don’t need a yellow fever shot to go to Mexico.,Sheldon: You can never be too careful. I got one last year before I went to Epcot.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Howard: I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool.",Sheldon: It is extraordinary.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: It is extraordinary.,"Raj: Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.","Sheldon: I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.","Howard: Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.",Sheldon: What was that?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What was that?,Howard: I think it’s a tyre.,Sheldon: What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?,Howard: It’s the tyre.,Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I am getting too old for this crud.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Raj: When did you learn how to change a tyre?,Howard: Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.,"Sheldon: If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone’s shoulders and never coming down.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Raj: There’s got to be a smarter way of removing it.,"Leonard: Yeah, this is nothing more than a physics problem.","Sheldon: Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Howard: Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.,"Leonard: Let’s see, a lever, a lever.","Sheldon: Everybody hold on. Let’s take this problem one step at a time. First, we need to decide whether we’re calling it leever or lehver. And the sooner we decide it’s leever, the sooner we can roll up our sleeves, not slehves, and get to work.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Raj: If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.","Howard: No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision.","Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.","Raj: If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk?","Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.","Leonard: Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn’t a perfectly reasonable choice, but we’re scientists. Don’t you think we can figure this out using actual science?","Sheldon: Yes, we could use science. But it’s your bachelor party. Lighten up.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Raj: I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.,Leonard: They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands.,Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?,Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.,Sheldon: We do?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: We do?,Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.,Sheldon: That’s not very nice.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Leonard: It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up.,Caption: Scientific Principle: Accelerated Corrosion.,Sheldon: What is that awful smell?,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What is that awful smell?,Howard: It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.,Sheldon: What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit.,1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Howard: Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.",Caption: Scientific Principle: Exothermic Reaction.,"Sheldon: All right, this rust, combined with the aluminium recovered from the van, is now thermite.",1
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy’s ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.",Sheldon: We blew up Feynman’s van.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,,Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.","Penny: Oh, we’re glad you had fun.","Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.",Leonard: I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man.,"Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?","Leonard: It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space.",Sheldon: What’s wrong with your closet?,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: What’s wrong with your closet?,"Penny: Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together.",Sheldon: So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?,"Leonard: Come on, buddy.","Sheldon: No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.","Penny: Sheldon, please, we already feel bad about this.","Sheldon: You know what they don’t sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment. Although, if anyone did, it would be them.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Credits sequence.,Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.,Bernadette: Of course.,"Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.",Bernadette: Aw. I’m honoured.,"Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.","Bernadette: So, I’m your seventh choice.","Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.",Bernadette: How can I help you?,"Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.","Bernadette: Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.",Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Stuart: Hey.,Bernadette: Hey. You know who would be the perfect roomie?,"Sheldon: Gandalf, but he’s a smoker.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Stuart: Me, too. But I, uh, might have Lyme Disease.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Just a few more signatures, and we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you’ve returned your key. Okay. As my future neighbour, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge you received it.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Just a few more signatures, and we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you’ve returned your key. Okay. As my future neighbour, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge you received it.",Penny: I’m proud of you. You’re taking this really well.,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.",Leonard: Do I really have to do that now?,"Sheldon: No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Penny: What’s the matter?,Leonard: It’s harder than I thought.,Sheldon: Let me help you. L. E. O. N.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Raj: That’s how much we’re gonna melt people’s faces off.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.,Bespectacled Man: Sure.,Sheldon: It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?,Bespectacled Man: Is that supposed to be a joke?,Sheldon: Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.,Fade to another candidate.,"Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?",Fade to another candidate.,"Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?",Fade to another candidate.,"Sheldon: You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.","Amy (on Skype): I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon.","Sheldon: But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.",Amy: I’m sure you’ll find somebody else.,"Sheldon: I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?","Amy: I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.","Sheldon: They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.",Amy: I don’t think that was the point of the movie.,"Sheldon: Fine, then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Leonard: Oh, thank God.","Penny: Hey, we’re going to dinner. You want to come?","Sheldon: Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Leonard: You heard him, no.","Penny: Hang on. Wait, you actually think it’s 2003?","Sheldon: No, just because I’m living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn’t mean I’m delusional. And since it is 2003, I don’t know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Amy: Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, 2003.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Hello, 2003.","Leonard: Hey, we brought you Thai. Where is everything?","Sheldon: In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.","Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening.","Sheldon: No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.",Leonard: Will you knock it off? We’re across the hall.,"Sheldon: As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.",Penny: They’re not saying that.,Sheldon: They are in 2003.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not.","Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.","Penny: Okay, you don’t know what’s gonna happen.","Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.","Penny: Okay, look, we don’t need to rush into anything. All right? Maybe instead of Leonard moving in with me, we just leave things the way they are, and sometimes we’ll sleep over there, and sometimes we’ll sleep over here.",Sheldon: But mostly here.,1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Leonard: Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant?","Penny: Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog.","Sheldon: You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.",1
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.",Leonard: Fine.,"Sheldon: All right, great. Just give me one minute, and I’ll get started on a new roommate agreement. Yeah. nothing from Pratt, we’re good.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Leonard: Hey, ready for lunch?","Howard: Oh, one sec.",Sheldon: Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Raj: When was the last actual exercise you got?,"Howard: The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.","Sheldon: According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.",Raj: Are you?,"Sheldon: Nah, I’ll do it tomorrow.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.","Sheldon: Had me at flag, lost me at football.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Penny: Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.","Leonard: I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club.",Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.,"Leonard: It’s indoors, so no sunscreen.","Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.",Leonard: No gym shorts that can be yanked down.,"Sheldon: Or worse, up.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Or worse, up.",Leonard: Preach.,"Sheldon: And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.",Leonard: What about a game of tag on a French schoolyard?,"Sheldon: Ah, touché.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Raj: I feel cool. Like Puss in Boots.,Leonard: I always wanted to be a swashbuckler when I was a kid.,"Sheldon: Technically, swashbuckler is a combination of two terms. Swash referring to the sound of the sword. Swash. And then buckler meaning a small shield, which you don’t have.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Raj: Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer.","Barry: Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now.",Sheldon: We’re not afraid of physical activity.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Howard: Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today.,Barry: Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, dear.","Barry: What’s wong, Cooper?","Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.","Howard: When you’re in a public restroom, which foot do you flush the toilet with?",Sheldon: Right. Always right.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup.,"Barry: Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee.","Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?",Barry: Yes.,Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?,"Barry: In fencing, we don’t call it a stab. We call it a touch.","Sheldon: Uh, yes, I’m aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I’ll get called into Human Resources.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Barry: With your foil extended, kick your fwont weg up and push off with your back weg. Now you twy. And again. And again.",Raj: Look at us. We’re like the Rockettes.,"Sheldon: En garde, Leonard. Prepare yourself for a rigorous touching.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Howard: I thought you were Puss in Boots.,"Raj: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die.",Sheldon: I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.",Leonard: When was your honour insulted?,Sheldon: My last physical.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Raj: My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.,Howard: My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die.,"Sheldon: Ah, this is fun.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Leonard: Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy.",Barry: What’s going on with Amy?,"Sheldon: Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.",Barry: Weawwy? Good to know.,Sheldon: Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?,"Leonard: Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her.","Sheldon: Well, that’s unacceptable.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, that’s unacceptable.","Leonard: Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you.","Sheldon: Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.","Leonard: Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point.",Sheldon: You really think so?,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: You really think so?,Leonard: Of course. She deserves to be happy.,Sheldon: How dare you.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Scene: Later.,"Leonard: Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn’t a good idea.","Sheldon: Barry, a word?",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Barry, a word?",Leonard: And now the crazy version of what I just said.,"Sheldon: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.",Barry: And how are you gonna do that?,Sheldon: By challenging you to a duel.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: By challenging you to a duel.,Barry: You’ve had one wesson. I’ll destwoy you.,"Sheldon: That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you’re worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I’m going to touch you all over.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Scene: A sports bar.,"Leonard: I’m surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Look at this blister. Like it or not, we’re athletes now. Besides, a bar is where I belong. I’m having female problems.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Leonard: If you’re cranky and retaining water, I have a theory.","Howard: Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl.",Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,"Raj: Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you.","Sheldon: True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.",Leonard: Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends?,"Sheldon: There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.","Raj: Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn’t work.",Sheldon: You’re forgetting something. Ladies love jocks.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: Three.,"Howard: Oh, boy.","Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.",Woman: What?,Sheldon: It’s a Pokémon reference.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: It’s a Pokémon reference.,Woman: I don’t know what that means.,"Sheldon: Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?","Older woman: I’m married, and I’m her grandmother.","Sheldon: Ah, what might have been. And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Amy: Oh, I don’t have to imagine it.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.,Leonard: You’re just sweaty from exercise.,Sheldon: And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: I know it only takes one doctor’s finger.,Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: We should let you guys talk.,Bernadette: Yeah.,Sheldon: You don’t have to leave.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Bernadette: Walk.,Amy: How have you been?,Sheldon: I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.,Amy: How’d that go?,Sheldon: It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.,"Amy: Well, actually, he, he already did.","Sheldon: Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.",Amy: I said no.,"Sheldon: Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.",1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.",Amy: I didn’t know you were interested in dating.,Sheldon: I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.,1
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.,"Amy: Oh. Okay. Anyway, um, it’s nice to see you. You look good.",Sheldon: Thanks. And I taste good too.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,,Scene: Leonard’s lab.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve got terrible news.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve got terrible news.",Leonard: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.",Leonard: Just tell me.,Sheldon: A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.,"Leonard: Oh, well, that kind of stinks.",Sheldon: That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.,Leonard: What are we going to do?,Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.,"Leonard: I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month.",Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.,Leonard: That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes.,Sheldon: Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.,Leonard: Let’s go check to see if the university has any helium in reserve.,Sheldon: Did you know that I almost didn’t wear this shirt today?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Leonard: Hey, Barry, we’re in trouble. We need liquid helium, does the department have any we can use?","Barry: Sowwy, there’s a showtage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.",Sheldon: But you won’t need much for that.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Barry: Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Not a chance.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Not a chance.,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?",Barry: Hell no.,Sheldon: He could’ve softened the blow.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Howard: Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo.,"Raj: Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo.","Sheldon: Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Howard: If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.",Leonard: Who is he?,Sheldon: Where does he work?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Where does he work?,Leonard: How does he get the helium?,Sheldon: How many questions are too many questions?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: How many questions are too many questions?,Howard: Maybe he’s not for you.,Sheldon: Four questions. There answer’s four.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Oh, hey. I just heard back from the liquid helium guy.",Sheldon: What’s he say?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: What’s he say?,Leonard: He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight.,"Sheldon: Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?",Leonard: The man restocking the cereal shelves.,Sheldon: That’s right. And what did he do?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: That’s right. And what did he do?,Leonard: He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch.,Sheldon: It’s like it was yesterday.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: It’s like it was yesterday.,Leonard: Do you want liquid helium or not?,Sheldon: Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.,Leonard: Then I’m going to tell him we’re in.,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.","Leonard: We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys.",Sheldon: Was she helping him with his research?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Was she helping him with his research?,"Leonard: Sure. So, are we doing this?","Sheldon: Well, but where does he get the helium?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, but where does he get the helium?",Leonard: Remember? Don’t ask too many questions?,"Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.","Leonard: A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man.","Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.",Leonard: Done.,Sheldon: I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?,"Leonard: Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.",Sheldon: Aren’t you just made of sugar.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Scene: A parking garage.,Leonard: That must be him.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Man: What’s up?,"Leonard: Uh, I’m Leonard. This is my friend…",Sheldon: I’m Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Man: Great. You got the cash?,"Leonard: Uh, yeah, uh, right here.","Sheldon: Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?","Leonard: What ya doing, Skippy?",Sheldon: Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.,"Man: Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me?",Sheldon: Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.,"Leonard: Look, you can trust us. We’re respected scientists.","Sheldon: Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.","Man: Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me.","Sheldon: Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.,"Man: Ah, no money, no helium. Seems we’re at a, uh, stalemate.","Sheldon: Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?,"Man: Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that.","Sheldon: Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.","Man: Hmm, I don’t follow.","Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.",Man: Is that a threat?,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.","Man: Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground.",Sheldon: Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?,"Leonard: Afraid so, Skippy.",Sheldon: I told you we shouldn’t go shopping at night.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Leonard: No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.",Man: Really? What’s the hypothesis?,Sheldon: Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Man: Hmm. Could be, could be. Go on.","Leonard: Okay, but now there’s this Swedish team that read our paper and they’re trying to beat us to our own discovery. We really need this helium.","Sheldon: And I’m sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can’t find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.,"Man: Well, for the right amount of money, if you know where they live, there’s, uh, plenty we could do about it.","Sheldon: Did you hear that, Leonard? There’s plenty we could do about it. Do you have a card?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Raj: You may want to leave the room.,Scene: Leonard’s lab.,"Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.",Leonard: Will you stop with that already?,Sheldon: I’m trying not to attract attention.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’m trying not to attract attention.,Leonard: And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that?,Sheldon: She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?,Leonard: Let’s just start the experiment.,"Sheldon: Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.",Leonard: We’re not getting caught.,"Sheldon: Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?","Leonard: The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up.",Sheldon: Uh-oh.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Well, did you see this sticker?",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, did you see this sticker?",Leonard: What is it?,"Sheldon: It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.",Leonard: It’s probably USC or UCLA.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.",Leonard: Let’s not jump to conclusions. A lot of things start with U.,"Sheldon: That’s true. There’s the U.S. Air Force, U.S. Department of Defence, U.S. Navy, you and I are going to jail.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: Thank you for coming back.,"Man: Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take.","Sheldon: Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Man: Yeah, well, is there something wrong with it?","Leonard: No, nothing. We just changed our mind.","Sheldon: He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: Thank you.,Man: But you ain’t getting your money back.,Sheldon: You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.,"Man: No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee.",Sheldon: I don’t understand.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: I don’t understand.,Leonard: He wants more money.,"Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.",Man: That’s exactly how much it is.,"Sheldon: Finally, something breaks our way.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Stuart: Damn it.,Scene: Leonard’s lab. ,"Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won’t get gang-noogied in prison.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won’t get gang-noogied in prison.",Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you’ve seen?,"Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Leonard: Thank you, Barry.",Barry: But you have to add my name to your paper.,Sheldon: That’s preposterous.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: Can you give us a minute?,Barry: Take your time. I’ll walk out backwards for dwamatic effect.,Sheldon: I don’t like being extorted like this. Especially by him of all people.,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: It says right here on Wikipedia. A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties.,Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?,1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?,"Helium Man: They should’ve used among, right?","Sheldon: Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.",1
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.","Helium Man: All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?",Sheldon: Absolutely. But don’t be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?,"Leonard: You tell me, you woke up in bed with one.",Sheldon: Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.,Leonard: Why is he writing to you?,"Sheldon: Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.","Raj: Oh. Hey, high five.","Sheldon: Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?",Penny: Yes. Don’t take your shirt off just because the director said so.,"Sheldon: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I’m sure if there’s nudity, it will be tasteful.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.",Adam: Nice to meet you.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I admire your father’s work very much. It’s not every day I get to meet someone whose life’s journey began in my hero’s scrotum.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Scene: The apartment.,"Adam: All right, we’re just gonna have a conversation. Pretend the camera’s not here.",Sheldon: All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Leonard: And what are you getting him back for?,Adam: Let’s start with your name and occupation.,"Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.",Adam: And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock?,"Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.",Adam: What was it about Spock that appealed to you?,"Sheldon: I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Penny: Yeah, you probably had it coming.",Adam: Do you have any Spock collectibles?,Sheldon: I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Penny: Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.",Adam: Can we see the napkin?,Sheldon: Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.,Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?,Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.,Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?,Sheldon: When we got the security camera.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: When we got the security camera.,Leonard: There’s a security camera?,"Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.","Penny: Oh, my God. We’ve done things on that couch.",Sheldon: Yeah. You don’t have to tell me.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Howard: When is your visa up?,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.,"Wil: Um, doesn’t Adam count as Leonard Nimoy’s DNA?","Sheldon: No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.","Penny: Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there?",Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,Penny: I would.,"Sheldon: All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.",Leonard: You have a will?,"Sheldon: Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Wil: Wil won’t.,"Penny: Oh, what’s that ring box?",Sheldon: Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: What?,Leonard: You bought her a ring?,"Sheldon: No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.","Wil: Sheldon, that’s awful.","Sheldon: No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.","Penny: Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this?",Sheldon: No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.,"Leonard: Oh, man, I’m sorry, that must have been devastating for you.","Sheldon: No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon (shouting): I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?",Adam: Did you find that helpful?,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: I knew I could smell ’em.,Adam: What about from when you were a kid?,"Sheldon: Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.",Adam: Did it work?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.",Adam: That must have been very upsetting for you.,"Sheldon: Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.",Penny: Oh pfft.,Sheldon: Excuse me?,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Excuse me?,Penny: I’m sorry. I’m not here.,Sheldon: No. You went pfft. What does pfft mean?,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Leonard: Just like you.,"Penny: I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else.","Sheldon: Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.","Penny: Sweetie, you’re yelling.","Sheldon: Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I’ve put this Amy nonsense behind me.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Leonard: I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Hello.,"Leonard: Hey, buddy. How you doing?",Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary?,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Leonard: Oh, yeah.",Penny: Definitely.,"Sheldon: Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: Are you telling the truth?,Leonard: Nirsh.,"Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.",Penny: What are you gonna do?,"Sheldon: I’m going to find her and ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, we can put this behind us and resume our relationship. And if she says no, well, then she can just ponfo miran.",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Kirk (on screen): Dr. Dana feels he isn’t that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?,Spock (on screen): Because she feels. I don’t. All I know is logic.,"Sheldon: Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?",1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?","Leonard: Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.",Sheldon: Those are very wise words.,1
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Those are very wise words.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: They’d just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Leonard: Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.","Penny: Oh, I don’t want credit for that.","Sheldon: Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.",Leonard: You’re in a good mood.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Penny: Oh. Good for you.,Leonard: What brought this on?,"Sheldon: I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.",Penny: And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman.,"Sheldon: No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.","Leonard: Hey, I made French toast sticks.",Sheldon: On oatmeal day?,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: On oatmeal day?,"Leonard: Ah, I also made oatmeal.","Sheldon: Ooh, that’s a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. You know what? You eat it. You’re married, it doesn’t matter what you look like.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Thank you for coming by, gentlemen.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: No problem.,Raj: So what’s up?,"Sheldon: Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.",Howard: You sure you’re up for that? She did hurt you.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy.,"Raj: Hey, the jaw wants what it wants.",Sheldon: Gentlemen.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay.",Howard: But what are you looking for?,"Sheldon: All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.",Howard: Isn’t that a little unreasonable?,"Sheldon: All right, fine, she doesn’t need her own point of view. Now, chop-chop.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Scene: The apartment.,Howard: I think the quickest way to find you a new girlfriend is just to get you on every dating Web site out there.,"Sheldon: Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.",Raj: And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you?,"Sheldon: Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.","Howard: If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest?","Sheldon: Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.",Howard: You seriously think women would fight for you?,"Sheldon: People compete for jobs and trophies, why not me?",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.","Howard: Well, he’s smart, he’s a respected scientist.",Sheldon: And I have the soulful eyes of a cow.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Raj: I don’t know if I’d say you… oh.,"Howard: I have an idea. What if we put a post on Craigslist that says world-class Caltech physicist seeking girlfriend. If interested, solve the following puzzles for a chance to meet him.","Sheldon: Oh, we’ll make the puzzles extremely challenging to eliminate unworthy candidates.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Penny: But you’re curious about aluminium cans? You’re a weird little guy.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: That’s it. The Sheldon Cooper Girlfriend Challenge is officially live.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: Congratulations.,Raj: This is exciting.,"Sheldon: Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.",Howard: Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire.,"Sheldon: And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: I, I hope we didn’t make the puzzles too hard.","Howard: Well, if she can solve them, it’ll prove she’s intelligent, tenacious and so socially awkward she has nothing better to do on a Saturday night.","Sheldon: Golly, she sounds too good to be true.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Scene: The apartment.,Raj: 37 minutes left until the deadline.,Sheldon: Someone will show.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Howard: And no matter what happens, this is still a fun experiment.",Raj: Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives.,Sheldon: Someone will show.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: Someone will show.,"Raj: Maybe you don’t want someone exactly like you. You know what they say, opposites attract.","Sheldon: Well, by that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy, eh? Not to cast aspersions, but I can’t shake a stick around here without hitting that.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Scene: The apartment.,Raj: Sixty seconds. This is not looking good.,Sheldon: One minute is a long time.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: I’ve been telling women that for 20 years.,Raj: Forty-five.,"Sheldon: 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.",Raj: Thirty seconds.,Sheldon: Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.",Howard: You thought she was great in X-Men.,"Sheldon: Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: Guys, fifteen seconds.",Howard: Maybe she’s waiting to show up at the last possible moment.,"Sheldon: Sounds like a drama queen. Oh, no. It is Jennifer Lawrence.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Howard: It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty.",Raj: Answer it.,Sheldon: All right. Can I help you?,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: All right. Can I help you?,"Girl: Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist?",Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Girl: Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before.","Sheldon: Careful, it’s addictive.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Careful, it’s addictive.","Vanessa: Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva.","Sheldon: And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.","Vanessa: Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world.","Sheldon: I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.",1
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.",Raj: How could you send her away?,"Sheldon: She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. Well, I wouldn’t coitus her with your genitals.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Raj: I don’t sound like that.,Siri: Here are some images of naked grandma butts.,"Sheldon: Hey. Good news, everybody. Now that I’m no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the aquarium cafeteria. Who wants it? Well, you realize you won’t be going alone, I’ll be there the whole time. Providing fish and pilgrim facts. Can you people hear me?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Bernadette: And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup kitchen, feeding food to the homeless.","Sheldon: Well, Howard, what about you?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s up?","Sheldon: Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.",Amy: No one can go with you?,"Sheldon: No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.",Amy: Oh. Okay. Thank you.,Sheldon: And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.,"Amy: Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends.",Sheldon: You don’t think that will be awkward?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: You don’t think that will be awkward?,"Amy: Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine.","Sheldon: Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.",Amy: See you then.,"Sheldon: Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.",Amy: Did you know they served shellfish and eel at the very first Thanksgiving?,Sheldon: And there goes my list.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Penny: Oh, look at us. Our last Thanksgiving as husband and wife.",Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Hi. Ready for the aquarium?,"Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.",Amy: If that makes you more comfortable.,"Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?",Amy: No. You?,"Sheldon: No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?",Amy: I might go visit my aunt next week.,Sheldon: Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?,"Amy: No, the one in Bakersfield.",Sheldon: Bakersfield. I see. Where has this list been all my life?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Howard: It’s not like I’m expecting them to sing.,Scene: Amy’s car. ,"Sheldon: and then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again, uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at I’d wear shorts if I had a pair. 78.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: and then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again, uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at I’d wear shorts if I had a pair. 78.",Amy: Are we done discussing the weather?,"Sheldon: I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.",Amy: Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet.,"Sheldon: All right. Well, what should we talk about?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: All right. Well, what should we talk about?",Amy: I don’t know. Just ask me whatever comes to mind.,Sheldon: Very well. I know you’ve been seeing other men. Have you had coitus with any of them?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Leonard: Well, you didn’t read it right. The new Star Wars is coming. Gah.",Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: I’m sensing things have gotten awkward.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: I’m sensing things have gotten awkward.,"Amy: No. It’s okay. If we’re friends, we should be able to talk about anything.",Sheldon: All right.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: All right.,"Amy: So, you had some questions about me seeing other people.",Sheldon: Just a few.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Just a few.,Amy: Go ahead.,Sheldon: How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.,Amy: Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment.,Sheldon: Is that regular or honey nut?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Is that regular or honey nut?,Amy: I mixed them.,Sheldon: You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?,Amy: Just one. Are you doing okay?,Sheldon: I am.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: I am.,Amy: Good. I want you to be happy.,Sheldon: I believe you. I’d believe you more if you threw a few Apple Jacks in here.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Howard: A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter? With Elon Musk, you bet I do.",Scene: The aquarium. ,"Sheldon: You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.",Amy: You’re just upset ’cause they ran out of Pilgrim hats.,Sheldon: They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake.,"Amy: Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby.",Sheldon: Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?,Amy: Sure. What is it?,"Sheldon: It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.","Amy: So it’s like Kiss, Marry, Kill.",Sheldon: What is that?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: What is that?,"Amy: It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill.","Sheldon: Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.",Amy: Let’s just play.,"Sheldon: I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.","Amy: Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated.",Sheldon: Very well done.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Very well done.,"Amy: Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants.","Sheldon: Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?",Amy: But you can pal around with a hagfish?,"Sheldon: Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.","Amy: Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute.","Sheldon: I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.",Amy: I miss this.,"Sheldon: How can you miss a game you’ve never played before, silly?",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: I’m glad you had a nice time with Amy.,"Sheldon: Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.","Penny: Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.","Amy: Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s.",Sheldon: Did you have a nice time?,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Did you have a nice time?,"Amy: I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you.","Sheldon: Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.","Amy: It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again.",Sheldon: Oh. I thought we were just friends.,1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Oh. I thought we were just friends.,"Amy: We are. But I was hoping, maybe…","Sheldon: Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.",1
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.",Amy: Okay. I understand.,"Sheldon: Good. Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I’m gonna change my answer and eat SpongeBob.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper’s descent into madness, day two. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I feel the urge to urinate. My normal urination time is 7:10 a.m., but here I am, in the middle of the night, struggling to keep my mind sharp and my pajamas dry. It’s only a matter of time before my tenuous grasp on reality fades. I suppose I should pee while I still know what a toilet is.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Scene: The apartment. 2 days earlier.,Leonard: Since when do you hum songs?,Sheldon: What are you talking about?,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: What are you talking about?,Leonard: You were just humming.,"Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.",Leonard: How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?,"Sheldon: Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that?",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon (singing): Who lives in a pineapple. Nope.,Leonard: Whatever. Can we just get back to this?,"Sheldon: I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.",Leonard: It’s just an earworm. It’ll come to you.,Sheldon: Okay. (Singing) R-E-S-P-E-C-T. No.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Leonard: Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service.",Penny: Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.","Penny: I told you if we were patient, he’d figure it out for himself.","Sheldon: I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon (singing): No they make my earlobes sweat.,"Penny: Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while?",Sheldon: There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.,"Penny: Okay, great. What is it?","Sheldon: I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.",Penny: I’ll pay a thousand dollars to watch you cut footloose.,"Sheldon: This is Penny. She is your friend. If she offers you food, it’s safe to take it. You probably paid for it, anyway.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Leonard: Oh, yeah, he got a tuba.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket. A straitjacket, ’cause 72’s the best and you’re crazy. Now, this is your spot. You’re very protective of it. When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly. It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable. People are also delighted by your love of pranks. For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee. It wasn’t replace it with Folger’s crystals, I’ll tell you that much.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket. A straitjacket, ’cause 72’s the best and you’re crazy. Now, this is your spot. You’re very protective of it. When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly. It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable. People are also delighted by your love of pranks. For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee. It wasn’t replace it with Folger’s crystals, I’ll tell you that much.","Leonard: Hey, can we please get back to work?",Sheldon: This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world.,"Leonard: All right, just stop. This is ridiculous.","Sheldon: Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s drinking it.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Dave: Yeah. Well, let’s change the subject. No more mentions of you-know-who. That’s a cool train. Where did you get that?",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Bah, bam, bum-bum, bah, bum, bum. This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Bah, bam, bum-bum, bah, bum, bum. This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?","Leonard: That’s a trick question, right?","Sheldon: Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Penny: Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.","Leonard: Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you.",Sheldon: Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.,Penny: Maybe he just had bread in his pocket.,"Sheldon: The list extends outside of science. Painters like Van Gogh and Pollock, chess champion Bobby Fischer, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. (Clip of Darling by the Beach Boys) I remember the song. It’s called Darlin’ by the Beach Boys. Oh, thank goodness. I’m not crazy. I don’t have to take a pigeon as my bride.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Raj: No, never heard of ’em!",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is listening to Darlin’,Sheldon: I wonder why it was this particular song that was stuck in my head.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Leonard: I don’t know. It’s pretty catchy.,Penny: Do you even like the Beach Boys?,Sheldon: They have beach right in the name. What do you think?,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: They have beach right in the name. What do you think?,"Leonard: Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls?",Sheldon: Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.,Penny: Why?,Sheldon: It’s about Amy.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: It’s about Amy.,"Penny: Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her.","Sheldon: It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”","Penny: She did soften your life, didn’t she?",Sheldon: Yes. She’s like the dryer sheets of my heart. I have to go.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Dave: Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.","Amy: You know, I’m just being silly. I, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Dave: You’re kidding. How’s my hair?,"Amy: Sheldon, this, this isn’t a good time.","Sheldon: I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Amy: What?,"Dave: If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me.","Sheldon: I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.","Amy: No, it, it, it’s okay. Keep going?","Sheldon: Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.",1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.","Amy: I really want that, too.",Sheldon: Good. Because I love you.,1
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Amy: I love you, too.","Dave: Kiss her, you brilliant fool.","Sheldon: Well, I’ll let you get back to your date.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Guys, tickets already went on sale.",Sheldon: What?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Raj: Wait. You’re sure they’re Star Wars tickets?,"Leonard: No, it’s Steel Magnolias 2: Even Steelier.",Sheldon: The Web site’s frozen. I can’t get in.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Raj: Guys, they’re gonna sell out.",Howard: What are we gonna do?!,"Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.",Howard: Got ’em.,Sheldon: And I will continue to do so!,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: I’m really happy you and Amy are back together.,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you.","Leonard: I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days.","Sheldon: Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.","Penny: Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amy’s birthday.","Sheldon: And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Penny: You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.,Leonard: I think Penny has a point. You can see it another day.,"Sheldon: But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming?",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Arthur: Oh, great. This again.","Sheldon: Arthur, what brings you back?",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Arthur, what brings you back?","Arthur: Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream.","Sheldon: In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.","Arthur: And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you?","Sheldon: Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.","Arthur: Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now?","Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.","Arthur: And they, they, they don’t wear underwear.","Sheldon: So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?","Arthur: Uh, do, do you love this girl?",Sheldon: Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.,"Arthur: Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you.",Sheldon: By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?,"Arthur: Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her.",Sheldon: You’re right.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: You’re right.,Arthur: Great.,Sheldon: Where are you going?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Amy’s bedroom. ,"Amy (answering phone): Sheldon, what’s wrong?",Sheldon: I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.,Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.",Amy: Obi-what?,"Sheldon: I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.","Amy: Okay. Good night. Wait. Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me?",Sheldon: It’s late. Got to go. Bye.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Leonard: I know. It’s still gonna be weird to see the movie without him.,"Howard: Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh) ",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: Hey. We’re going to the comic book store. You want to come?,"Sheldon: No, I can’t. I need to make preparations for Amy’s birthday. Which leads me to the following bit of business. This is my ticket to Star Wars. I don’t have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of fifteen dollars and fifty cents. I trust you’ll give it to someone worthy.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon (to Howard): This is my ticket to Star Wars….,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Penny: Well, find out.",Bernadette: Come in.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",Penny: Come in.,Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.,Bernadette: Just come in.,"Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.",Penny: We’re sorry. What do you need?,"Sheldon: Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.",Bernadette: Sure.,"Sheldon: Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.",Penny: Wow. You can really arrange that?,"Sheldon: Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.",Bernadette: How about something a little more realistic?,"Sheldon: Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Penny: Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.,"Bernadette: Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.","Sheldon: No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.","Penny: Okay, well, what’s the third option?",Sheldon: That I have coitus with her.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Penny: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s, let’s, let’s just recap our options. All right, we’ve got harp thing, sheep thing.",Bernadette: Wild thang.,"Sheldon: Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Penny: Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.","Bernadette: Yeah, are you ready for this?","Sheldon: Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.","Penny: Sheldon, that’s so beautiful.",Sheldon: Then it’s settled. Amy’s birthday present will be my genitals.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,Arthur: Why isn’t it ever Angie Dickinson’s bedroom?,Sheldon: You’re back.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: You’re back.,"Arthur: It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me.","Sheldon: I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.","Arthur: Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot.","Sheldon: So, can you help me?",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: So, can you help me?","Arthur: Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers…","Sheldon: Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.","Arthur: Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts.",Sheldon: I think they say junk.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: I think they say junk.,"Arthur: What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know?","Sheldon: This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.","Arthur: Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay.","Sheldon: Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.","Arthur: Well, that’s, that’s very nice of you to say, but I think I’m just an expression of, of your unconscious mind.","Sheldon: Oh, sure. Well, you’re fun to look at.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Wil: Yeah? Live long and suck it.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl.",Amy: Come in.,Sheldon: Oh.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Oh.,"Amy: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.","Amy: That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water.","Sheldon: Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.",Amy: Do you like it?,Sheldon: It’s kind of spooky.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: It’s kind of spooky.,Amy: I can change it back.,"Sheldon: No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.","Amy: So, what’d you have in mind for tonight?","Sheldon: I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.","Amy: Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first.",Sheldon: Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.,Amy: You mean before you give it to me?,Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?,Amy: Of course.,Sheldon: Why are we saying give it to you like that?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Why are we saying give it to you like that?,"Amy: Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight.","Sheldon: I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: You know what, let me pull a quick contract off the Internet.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: Hi.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Amy: So, um, should I get under the covers with you?",Sheldon: All right. Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: All right. Hello.,Amy: Hi.,Sheldon: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?,"Amy: I’m just, um, really nervous.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Why?,"Amy: Well, I’ve been waiting for this for so long, I’ve just built it up in my head. I don’t know what to expect.",Sheldon: Neither do I. But we can find out together.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Raj: Leonard, I, I’m scared again.","Caption: A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away….","Sheldon: Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.","Amy: Me, too.",Sheldon: I look forward to your next birthday when we do it again.,1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Arthur: Uh, Sheldon? Sheldon?","Sheldon: Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.","Arthur: I, I was just curious. How, how’d it go?","Sheldon: Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.",1
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.","Arthur: But, uh, what, what about Amy?","Sheldon: Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesn’t have the history with the franchise I do.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I’m glad to see you made it safely. How’s your hotel?,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: I’m glad to see you made it safely. How’s your hotel?,"Amy (on Skype): It’s not the best Best Western I’ve been to, but I’d say it’s the third best Best Western I’ve been to.","Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.",Amy: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?,"Sheldon: Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.","Amy: Okay, well, I should unpack.",Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.,Amy: I will. I wish you were here.,Sheldon: At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.,"Amy: Okay, I’m glad you’re not here?","Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.","Amy: Good-bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?",Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.,Sheldon: That sounds awful. Raj?,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That sounds awful. Raj?,"Raj: Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me.",Sheldon: That’s the one to beat. Leonard?,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That’s the one to beat. Leonard?,"Leonard: Oh, if anything, I’m trying to get my Sheld-off.","Sheldon: Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.","Raj: Well, I should warn you, it’s just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.","Sheldon: Uh, stop selling it, kid. You won.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Leonard: How was your day?,"Penny: Oh, not good. Still couldn’t get in to see Dr. Gallo.","Sheldon: A doctor? Well, I hope you’re not contagious. I’ve got a weekend in the telescope room I’ve been excited about for almost three minutes.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Raj: Low self-esteem.,Howard: Social anxiety.,Sheldon: Sexual insecurity.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Howard: Fear of failure.,Raj: Lack of confidence.,Sheldon: Kind of a wuss.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Raj: Pushover.,Howard: Spineless.,Sheldon: Still hasn’t bought milk even though I told him two days ago.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Stuart: Hmm, I just have never been in this room while you’re awake.",Scene: The telescope room.,Sheldon: What are you doing?,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Raj: Uh, making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.",Sheldon: Hmm. What are you doing now?,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Hmm. What are you doing now?,Raj: Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. How about now?",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. How about now?",Raj: Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book.,"Sheldon: Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.","Raj: Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies.","Sheldon: Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.","Raj: Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours.",Sheldon: Found one.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Found one.,"Raj: No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there.","Sheldon: But, look, an optical transient.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: But, look, an optical transient.","Raj: Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that?","Sheldon: It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?",Raj: No.,"Sheldon: Oh. I guess I’m a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special, he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The telescope room.,"Raj: Okay, so once we receive the next image and compare it to the ones we’ve already collected, we’ll know what it is that we found.","Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation.",Raj: It could be a trans-Neptunian object.,Sheldon: Maybe it’s a new planet.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Maybe it’s a new planet.,"Raj: Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet.","Sheldon: Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.","Raj: Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is…","Sheldon: Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.",Raj: A medium-sized asteroid.,Sheldon: That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.,Raj: I kind of like chicken fingers.,"Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.","Raj: Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery.",Sheldon: I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.,Raj: You dream different than me.,Sheldon: It is kind of cute.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: It is kind of cute.,"Raj: Yeah, it is. And you know we get to name it.",Sheldon: We better choose a name no one can make fun of. Sir Frederick William Herschel didn’t do Uranus any favours.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The apartment.,"Raj: So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.",Sheldon: That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper.,Raj: How is that both our names?,Sheldon: Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.,"Raj: Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K?","Sheldon: Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.","Leonard: Wow, that’s amazing. I’m in a pretty great mood today myself.",Sheldon: Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Leonard: Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.","Raj: I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you.","Sheldon: Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.","Raj: Wait, what happened to us?","Sheldon: Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.","Leonard: Well, what are you thinking of naming it?",Sheldon: I haven’t settled on anything yet.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: I haven’t settled on anything yet.,Raj: We haven’t settled on anything yet.,"Sheldon: All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Leonard: You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.,Raj: That is a great idea.,"Sheldon: It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.","Raj: So, uh, what were you thinking? Combine their names?","Sheldon: I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.",Raj: That’s just Amy.,Sheldon: Exactly. See how well we work together?,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s up?",Sheldon: Good news. You’re an asteroid.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Good news. You’re an asteroid.,"Amy: Uh, please tell me what to say next.","Sheldon: Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.","Amy: Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name?","Sheldon: Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.",1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.",Amy: All of them?,Sheldon: Even the girls.,1
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy (on Skype): I miss you.,Sheldon: I miss you as well.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.",Leonard: And it’s gone.,"Sheldon: Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.",Leonard: Good for you.,"Sheldon: My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.",Howard: Glad to hear it.,Sheldon: I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.,Raj: Yay.,"Sheldon: Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.",Penny: You really don’t know why?,Sheldon: No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Leonard: Let me refresh your memory.,Flashback,"Sheldon: Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.","Penny: Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest.","Sheldon: Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Flashback,Bernadette: I brought you a little care package from work. It’s our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make.,"Sheldon: I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Flashback,"Raj: Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you.",Sheldon: She’s a dermatologist.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: She’s a dermatologist.,Emily: I went to medical school.,"Sheldon: Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Flashback,"Leonard: All right, here you go.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m dying.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m dying.",Leonard: You’re not dying. It’s just the flu.,Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.,Back to the present.,"Sheldon: I never did get that chicken noodle, did I?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Are you feeling any better?,"Sheldon: Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.","Amy: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.","Sheldon: You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?","Amy: Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky.","Sheldon: I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?","Amy: Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended.",Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?,"Amy: No, no, not just that. I mean, Detroit is beautiful when it’s sleeting.","Sheldon: You know, I’m not the only one who’s unpleasant when they’re sick. When Penny got food poisoning, she threw up so loudly I could barely hear the television.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Penny: Well, I’m in. When are we going?",Leonard: This weekend.,"Sheldon: Oh, where are we going?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, where are we going?","Leonard: Well, Vegas, but…","Sheldon: Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.","Leonard: That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited.","Sheldon: Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.","Penny: Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there.",Sheldon: I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.,Leonard: Not this time.,"Sheldon: Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.","Leonard: He’s coming, too.","Sheldon: Well, then Raj and I will…",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, then Raj and I will…",Leonard: Nope.,Sheldon: Very well. Stuart.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Very well. Stuart.,"Leonard: Oh, great. Do that.",Sheldon: Ugh. Stuart.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s new?","Sheldon: Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them.","Amy: I said what’s new, but sure.",Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?,Amy: Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?,"Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.","Amy: Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.",Sheldon: I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.,Amy: Who else’s side could you have been on?,Sheldon: I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?,"Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them.","Sheldon: Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.",Amy: Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on.,"Sheldon: I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.",Amy: Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person.,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.",Amy: Glad I could help.,Sheldon: Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.,"Amy: I feel so, so bad.","Sheldon: Hey, we’re both great at this.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Hey, we’re both great at this.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I’m going to mean it.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I’m going to mean it.","Leonard: Ah, so like every other M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen, you spoil it in advance.","Sheldon: Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.",Leonard: Thank you. I appreciate that.,Sheldon: I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.,"Leonard: Appreciate that, too.","Sheldon: Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?",Leonard: You’re still not coming.,"Sheldon: What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.","Leonard: Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come.","Sheldon: Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?","Leonard: Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come.",Sheldon: Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.,"Leonard: Well, I hope it’s as much fun as the Sheldon Cooper Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour.","Sheldon: My goodness, do you remember comes with apsparagus?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: My goodness, do you remember comes with apsparagus?",Scene: Howard and Berndette’s house.,"Sheldon: Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I’m sorry.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I’m sorry.",Howard: Wow. I’m impressed.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Howard: Apology accepted.,"Bernadette: Forgiven, forgiven.","Sheldon: All right, that’s eight hours of practice down the drain. And to memorialise this occasion, here are your commemorative T-shirts.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Bernadette: And he made it all better.,Scene: The apartment bathroom.,"Sheldon: All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.",Penny: Can this wait?,Sheldon: I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.,"Penny: Okay, fine, I accept your apology, now get out.",Sheldon: Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick…?,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: Leonard.,Scene: The comic book store.,"Sheldon: You brought me my comic books when I wasn’t feeling well. That, that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I’m sorry.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: You brought me my comic books when I wasn’t feeling well. That, that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I’m sorry.","Stuart: Thank you, Sheldon. I appreciate that.","Sheldon: And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.",Stuart: What trip to Las Vegas?,Sheldon: The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.,"Stuart: Of course, I wasn’t invited.","Sheldon: That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?",Scene: Raj’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behaviour. I hope that you can accept my apology.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behaviour. I hope that you can accept my apology.",Raj: Of course I do.,"Sheldon: And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.",Emily: Do you honestly think I hear that a lot?,"Sheldon: Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces…",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Raj: Yeah, but he doesn’t mean it.",Emily: Why are you defending him?,"Sheldon: I believe I can answer that. Uh, like me, Raj is demonstrating empathy. Now, why don’t you accept my apology receive your free T-shirt, uh, I hope extra small is okay. For some reason Wolowitz took a medium.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Emily: Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.","Raj: No, come on, please don’t leave.","Sheldon: Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…","Emily: Don’t worry, you’re good.","Sheldon: I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: So, was the fight really bad?","Sheldon: No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.",Leonard: You think they’ll still go on the trip?,Sheldon: All I know is after the fight I went to Emily’s to smooth…,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: No.,Raj: What is wrong with you?,"Sheldon: Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.","Raj: You went to Emily’s to apologise, and when you left, she was crying.","Sheldon: That is true. Well, I suppose I should apologize again.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Raj: Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.","Howard: Wait, that’s an option? I didn’t know that was an option.","Sheldon: Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.",Raj: That’s very mature of you.,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been on a little trip myself recently. Not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you’ll come back with is personal growth.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: Here’s some champagne.,"Leonard: Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of…",Sheldon: Aha.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Aha.,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Leonard: What do we do, kick them off?","Penny: If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked.","Sheldon: Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.","Raj: Oh, God.","Sheldon: Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Raj: You know, Sheldon…","Emily: Shh, let him finish.","Sheldon: So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.",Emily: Thank you.,Sheldon: Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.,1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.,"Emily: Oh, it’s okay, Sheldon. Come with us.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.",Stuart: But I want to stay.,"Sheldon: Stuart, now.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: And now you see the problem.,"Leonard: Come on, you pain in the ass.","Sheldon: That’s me. Bye, Stuart.",1
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Stuart: Wait. I’m a pain in the ass, too.",Scene: Later on the party bus.,Sheldon: Are you relieved that you and Raj were able to patch things up?,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,,Scene: The foyer.,"Sheldon: Here’s a fun Postal fact. The inner side of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So, if you broke my right thumb, that’s Pasadena city police. But if you broke my left thumb, that’s the FBI.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Leonard: If I’m going to jail, I’m killing him, not breaking his thumb.",Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.",Penny: What is that?,"Sheldon: Uh, roses, bengay, and Dr. Scholls’ foot powder.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.",Leonard: That someone has a name.,"Sheldon: Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Leonard: Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.,Penny: I park fine.,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!","Leonard: Oh, it’ll be nice to finally meet her.","Sheldon: Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Unless you’re a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The airport arrivals area.,Sheldon: That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her.,Leonard: Really? The old Asian man is not your Meemaw?,"Sheldon: And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.","Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. Most people her age don’t embrace technology.","Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.",Leonard: Same as when we lost you at the zoo.,"Sheldon: Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Leonard: Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.,Meemaw: Moon Pie.,Sheldon: Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.,"Meemaw: I’m so happy to see you, too.","Sheldon: Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Leonard: Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.",Meemaw: Thank you.,"Sheldon: No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.",Meemaw: Is that nice to say to your friend?,"Sheldon: It isn’t, Meemaw. Sorry, Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Raj: It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period, and it changed my life.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Are you comfortable?,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Are you comfortable?,Meemaw: Very. It’s nice to rest after 800 flights of stairs.,"Sheldon: You were so cute, huffin’ and puffin’. There’s Amy. I just know you’re gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense. Hello. Come in, say hi to my Meemaw.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Meemaw: Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.","Amy: That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there.","Sheldon: Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Amy: Can I have a tissue?,Meemaw: Of course.,Sheldon: Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.,Meemaw: He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.","Meemaw: Oh, now don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents.","Sheldon: If I did, would I find any?",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: If I did, would I find any?",Meemaw: Maybe. But you also might find my brassieres and bloomers.,Sheldon: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Amy: Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.","Meemaw: Oh, you better hope so.","Sheldon: A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.","Meemaw: Oh, you’re welcome, Moon Pie.","Sheldon: Amy, why don’t you look excited? Well, you get to watch me play with this.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: Constance, are you sure I can’t pour you some wine?","Meemaw: Oh, no wine for me. Sheldon’s bringing me my whiskey.","Sheldon: Here you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like, a lot in a glass.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy.,Leonard and Penny: She could just eat him up.,"Sheldon: And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.,"Amy: Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar.","Sheldon: How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.","Amy: Well, now I know.",Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.,"Amy: Well, maybe I don’t like you either.","Sheldon: Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.",Amy: I think I should leave.,"Sheldon: But why? Other than you two fighting, we’re having such a good time.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.",Amy: You have an engagement ring?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: All right, let’s go.",Amy: When did you get an engagement ring?,"Sheldon: My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Meemaw: Well, thank goodness for that.","Amy: Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this?","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t think I could do that.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t think I could do that.","Meemaw: Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger.","Sheldon: I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.","Amy: Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs.","Sheldon: All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced?",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.,Amy: Don’t speak to him like he’s a child.,Sheldon: Thank you. I’m gonna go next door and play with Leonard.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Leonard: Did it?,"Penny: Yeah, right in there. She ate it and everything.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Penny: Come in.,Leonard: Hey. What happened? Is Amy gone?,Sheldon: No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.,Penny: Uh-oh.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. It was quite tense. So here’s the million dollar question, uh, who wants to pop over there and get my trains?",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Meemaw: Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.",Penny: Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you.,"Sheldon: No, I wouldn’t.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: No, I wouldn’t.",Leonard: Just get in here.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Go ahead.,"Sheldon: Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.","Amy: Oh, Sheldon, thank you.","Sheldon: Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.",Meemaw: I did.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress.",1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Leonard: He never disappoints, does he?",Amy: I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right?,Sheldon: Well…,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Well…,Penny: Say yes.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Meemaw: Fine. If you feel so strongly, I won’t stand in your way.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Amy: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?",Meemaw: I suppose.,"Sheldon: I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,,Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: Gentlemen.,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Raj: Hey.,Howard: Hello.,"Sheldon: If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Leonard: Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.","Howard: Sorry, Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.",Sheldon: Not a clue. Raj?,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Howard: No.,Leonard: Not really.,"Sheldon: You know, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident. I just got in and went somewhere.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Okay, and we are live in 22 minutes.",Sheldon: I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.,"Amy: People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around.","Sheldon: Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.",Amy: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.",Amy: Oh. That is so sweet.,"Sheldon: So from now on, this program will be officially known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present Dr. Sheldon’ Cooper’s Fun With Flags.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Okay, we are live in five, four, three, oh, wait, oh shoot, I already pushed the button. Never mind, we’re live.","Sheldon: Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper…",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Together: Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags.,"Amy: Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers.","Sheldon: It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.","Amy: Since we’re live, you’ll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.","Sheldon: Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Uh, uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Raj: Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?","Amy: I, I think it starts with good communication.","Sheldon: You know what, that’s not a flag question. Next caller.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Amy: Rajesh, it’s perfectly normal to have doubts after breaking up with someone.",Raj (voice): You really think so?,"Sheldon: Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Amy: Your friend is hurting.,"Raj: No, Sheldon’s right. Emily did say I always talk about my feelings too much.","Sheldon: I suppose that could be a legitimate concern in a relationship. Uh, perhaps even a, a red flag. And speaking of red flags, check out this sexy number from the former Soviet Union. Hubba, hubba.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Raj: Kripke? Is that you?,"Barry: Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties.","Sheldon: Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.",Barry: Aw wight. Is my pole fwag-wewated?,Sheldon: I don’t see why not.,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Look, I know you both feel bad about being alone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is take a little time for yourself, especially when you just got out of a relationship.","Sheldon: Speaking of ending relationships, when British Honduras became Belize, they designed a new flag with a tree on it, and I would like to hang myself from that tree.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Raj: But, Amy, when you and Sheldon split up, didn’t you start dating someone right away?","Amy: Well, I, I wouldn’t say right away.","Sheldon: And actually, it was three different men.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Amy: Now? Oh, looks like we just lost Kripke.","Raj: Before Emily, I was alone for so long. I just, I don’t know if I can do that again.","Sheldon: Well, you know, here is something that might cheer you up. The flag of the Isle of Man is nothing but three legs sharing a weird pair of underpants, so you think you got problems.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Raj (voice): I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever broken up with someone. I just, I didn’t realize it was gonna hurt this much.",Amy: It really can.,"Sheldon: All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Raj: I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now.,"Amy: No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard.","Sheldon: Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Barry: Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.,Amy: I’m just gonna push all the buttons.,"Sheldon: Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.",Amy: Really?,Sheldon: Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.,Amy: So do I.,"Sheldon: When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they…",1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Leonard and Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day!,Leonard: We are young and fun.,Sheldon: I stand corrected. Fun.,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: I stand corrected. Fun.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Congratulations on a successful live show.,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Penny: Cleaning up is not young and fun.,Leonard: It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this.,Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?,1
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?,"Amy: Interesting, and when would you use the singular?","Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose. No, no, no, no. Other side. There you go.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, Raj, I read a couple of guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?","Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it?",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it?","Raj: Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays.","Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Leonard: What? Congratulations.,Raj: That’s so amazing.,"Sheldon: Oh, no.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, no.","Leonard: Why oh, no?","Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?","Leonard: Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group.","Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?",Leonard: You’re the other baby.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?",Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?,Sheldon: I guess we’ll call this a draw.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Leonard: Buddy, I, I think you might be overreacting.","Howard: And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me?",Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.,"Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.","Sheldon: Oh, but then we’d have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Howard: You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.","Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?",Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn’t happen to us?,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,All: Cheers.,"Howard: Well, look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn’t have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.",Sheldon: And can keep a small portion of their heads dry.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.,Leonard: That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it.,Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.,"Leonard: Uh, these are strong, you should slow down.",Sheldon: Oh. I’ll just take one last sip. Ah.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Howard: I don’t know, all Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.",Raj: It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.,Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?,Leonard: The same reason we don’t do a lot of fun stuff. You.,Sheldon: That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?,"Raj: Uh, it’s in the corner.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Hey, how you doin’?",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: You think so?,Leonard: I really do.,"Sheldon: You guys, the bathroom here is amazing. There’s people cooking in it.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: I’m not finding anything either.,Raj: It’s a good sign.,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, I found something.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, I found something.",Howard: Damn. What is it?,"Sheldon: This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.",Leonard: Can you focus on what we’re talking about?,"Sheldon: All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.","Raj: Even drunk, he’s still smarter than all of us.",Sheldon: And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?,Leonard: I’d enjoy that.,"Sheldon: Nah, she’s a good kid.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Leonard: I’m telling you, you got this.",Howard: Maybe you’re right.,Sheldon: Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.,"Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: Thank you.,Amy: Hi. How are you doing?,"Sheldon: Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Bernadette: Sure.,"Penny: So, you gonna get up there later?","Sheldon: A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.",1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Scene: The same, later.","Howard: I’d like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie. (Singing) Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me. Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ what you’re thinkin’ of me.",Sheldon: You’re kidding. What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else’s bedroom?,1
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Penny: Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?",Leonard: I think we’d make amazing parents.,Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down?,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Amy: So Sheldon, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about but I know it’s kind of a touchy subject.",Leonard: Way to narrow it down to everything.,Sheldon: What is it?,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: What is it?,"Amy: Well, your birthday’s coming up, and you’ve never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.","Sheldon: Oh, I suppose that’s a discussion we could have.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Amy: Sheldon?,Leonard: I’ll check his room.,Sheldon: Surprise.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Surprise.,"Penny: Oh, my God.","Sheldon: Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Amy: I’m sorry I brought it up.,"Penny: Yeah, what is the problem? Is it about getting older?","Sheldon: Please, look at this porcelain skin. I’m like a human sink.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Leonard: One day. Right.,Amy: Can you please just tell me why?,"Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.",Amy: I’m sorry.,"Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.","Penny: Oh, poor thing.","Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.",Amy: You realize none of those things would happen now?,"Sheldon: I do, but why do you care if I celebrate my birthday at all?",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: And we live here, so we have no choice.",Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Okay, so how do you feel about party balloons?","Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.","Penny: All right, what about music?",Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Penny: No music it is.,Bernadette: What kind of cake do you like?,"Sheldon: Well, my favourite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it, make sure it’s not all caps. I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Adam: What’s an Affleck?,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?,"Amy: Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.",Sheldon: But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong?,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong?,"Amy: Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit.",Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,"Amy: Maybe later I’ll, uh, get to see you in your birthday suit.",Sheldon: But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that’s the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Amy: Oh. Penny says everyone’s there. Are you ready?,Sheldon: I am. Oh. Wait.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: I am. Oh. Wait.,Amy: Are you all right?,"Sheldon: No, I just, I got a little light-headed.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: No, I just, I got a little light-headed.","Amy: Oh, do you need a minute?","Sheldon: No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Leonard: Speech! Speech!,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon, say something.","Sheldon: Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Leonard: Batman finally came to your party.,"Adam: Happy birthday, Sherman.",Sheldon: Thank you. This is all so thoughtful. Excuse me.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: Again, no…","Penny: Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in?",Sheldon: How do you know I’m not using the facilities?,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: How do you know I’m not using the facilities?,"Penny: Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on?","Sheldon: I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.","Penny: I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.",Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.,"Penny: Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.",Sheldon: I don’t think I can go back out there.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: I don’t think I can go back out there.,"Penny: That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.","Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.","Penny: My point is, there was a time I never would’ve been friends with someone like you, and now you are one of my favourite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I’m happy to do it with you.","Sheldon: Well, everyone will think I’m weird.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Penny: Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?",Barry: What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack.,"Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Amy: If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.",General cheers.,"Sheldon: Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.","Howard: Sheldon, I don’t think everyone…","Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.","Howard: Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.","Sheldon: Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Wil: Sheldon, I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.",General cheers.,"Sheldon: That’s how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he’s famous and you’re not.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.","Raj: And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.",Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.,"Leslie: Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Bernadette: I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon.",General cheers.,"Sheldon: Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Howard: What? You gotta be kidding me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: Happy birthday, buddy.",General cheers.,"Sheldon: Thank you. That, that was wonderful.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Amy: We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.,"Stephen Hawking (on Skype): Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,Stephen: Happy birthday to you.,Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…,1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…,Stephen: Happy birthday to you.,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re singing. Well, I’m sorry.",1
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Stephen: I was crushing it, but all right.","Penny: Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn’t think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.","Sheldon: You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they’re just extremely irritating.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Scene: Outside the University legal office.,"Howard: Okay, I gotta ask, why are you wearing a bow tie?",Sheldon: I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.,Howard: Is the impression that your first name is Pee-Wee?,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re an engineer. End of joke, burn.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.","Attorney: So, I’ve reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we’ve got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.",Sheldon: That’s great.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Yeah, we did our own search.","Attorney: That’s nice, but I think ours might be a bit more thorough.",Sheldon: Get a load of this guy.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Attorney: Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.,Howard: Seventy-five percent?,Sheldon: That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?,Attorney: It’s university policy.,Sheldon: I know when I’m beat.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?","Attorney: Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.","Sheldon: Well, that’s not fair. We should all get plaques.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Come on, let’s go.",Leonard: Thank you for your time.,Sheldon: Couple of questions about the plaque.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Well, what if we go around the university and just get the patent ourselves?","Howard: We can’t. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.","Sheldon: Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Either way, I get nothing.","Leonard: Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.","Sheldon: To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Howard: I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?,"Leonard: Of course, we can split any profits three ways.",Sheldon: I’m fine with that.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: I’m fine with that.,"Howard: Okay, great.","Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.","Leonard: Sure, we could write something up.",Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who…,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who…,"Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.",Sheldon: So stipulated.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Scene: The apartment.,Howard: This contract looks good to me.,"Sheldon: I’ll say it looks good. It’s in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.","Penny: Sheldon, did you draft the contract?",Sheldon: You bet I did.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Penny: Ooh. You’re gonna make out so hard tonight.,"Bernadette: So, you’re just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?",Sheldon: Excuse me. I’ve been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn’t need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don’t need one now.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Bernadette: Sure.,Howard: Excuse us.,"Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.",Leonard: Good one.,"Sheldon: Okay, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Leonard: They’ve been out there a while.,Amy: I hope everything’s okay.,Sheldon: I wonder what they’re talking about.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Penny: If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Leonard: You guys all right?,"Howard: Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.",Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.,"Howard: Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me.","Sheldon: Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.",Bernadette: Are you saying that his contributions aren’t as valuable as yours?,"Sheldon: No, I am not saying that, because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Penny: No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.,Bernadette: How would you enforce it?,"Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.",Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.,"Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Howard, what do you think?",Howard: I’m on board.,"Sheldon: I’ll add it right now. Oh, baby, it’s addendum time.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Raj: Call you right back.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: The, the revisions I made start on page four.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.","Leonard: Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too.",Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: You’re tying my hands here.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Leonard: That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap.,"Howard: That’s very generous, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.",1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.",Howard: I appreciate that.,Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.,1
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: What? I didn’t sign it yet.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: The apartment.,Amy (on Skype): I didn’t understand your e-mail.,"Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up.",Amy: I didn’t understand your e-mail.,"Sheldon: Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.","Amy: Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow?","Sheldon: So, is that a yes?",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: So, is that a yes?","Amy: Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date.","Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.","Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.","Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.",Sheldon: The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.,Amy: Get a new computer.,Sheldon: What?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: What?,Amy: Get a new computer.,Sheldon: What? (Answering phone) Hello?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: I got here as quickly as I could.,Sheldon: You’re too late.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: You’re too late.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is silly.",Sheldon: You got emotional when that lab monkey died.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: You got emotional when that lab monkey died.,Amy: That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language.,Sheldon: Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.,"Amy: Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer.",Sheldon: How could you do that?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: How could you do that?,Amy: Do what?,"Sheldon: Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?","Amy: Well, the guy at the store said this one is great.","Sheldon: Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?",Amy: Yes.,Sheldon: Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, he does know his stuff.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Penny: Okay, so what is solder?",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?",Amy: Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W.,Sheldon: You wouldn’t.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: You wouldn’t.,Amy: Whatch me.,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.",Amy: I thought you might like it.,"Sheldon: Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.",Amy: Or you could just look into my eyes.,Sheldon: But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.,"Amy: Well, you know, as long as you’re happy.",Sheldon: Oh. I am.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Oh. I am.,Amy: And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it.,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.","Amy: Oh, but he said you can get store credit.","Sheldon: Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.",Amy: But why wouldn’t…,Sheldon: Can we please change the subject?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Can we please change the subject?,Amy: Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this?,"Sheldon: I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.","Amy: Sheldon, just tell me.",Sheldon: It might be easier to show you.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: It might be easier to show you.,Amy: Okay.,Sheldon: We’d have to take your car.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: We’d have to take your car.,Amy: All right.,Sheldon: And I’m gonna need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: Amy’s car.,Amy: Will you please tell me where we’re going?,"Sheldon: Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis.",Amy: I’m driving the car. I need to know.,Sheldon: Right.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Right.,Amy: So where are we going?,"Sheldon: No, I meant turn right, and you missed it. Maybe you do need to know.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: A storage facility.,Amy: Why do you have a storage unit?,Sheldon: Just wait.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Just wait.,Amy: How long have you had it?,Sheldon: Just wait.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Just wait.,Amy: Do you want me to hold that computer?,"Sheldon: Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.","Amy: I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at?","Sheldon: It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.",Amy: All of it?,Sheldon: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Raj: I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.",Scene: The storage unit.,"Sheldon: In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.",Amy: You have sporting equipment?,"Sheldon: Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.","Amy: Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones?","Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.","Amy: So, why do you feel you need to save these things?","Sheldon: I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…",Amy: Okay. I get it. I get it.,Sheldon: It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.,Amy: I don’t.,"Sheldon: Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.",Amy: Why?,"Sheldon: Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?","Amy: It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too.",Sheldon: Like what?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Like what?,"Amy: Well, um, did you know I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain I ever dissected?",Sheldon: I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: The storage unit.,"Amy: So, no one else knows about this?",Sheldon: Only you.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Only you.,Amy: Thank you for trusting me.,Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?,"Amy: That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you.",Sheldon: Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.,"Amy: Baby steps, I guess.",Sheldon: I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.,Amy: Oh. Okay.,Sheldon: I will always have the dent to remember it by.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: I will always have the dent to remember it by.,Amy: You did it. Do you feel okay?,"Sheldon: Actually, yes. I do.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Actually, yes. I do.","Amy: Well, I’m proud of you.",Sheldon: Thanks.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Thanks.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I’m glad I told you about the storage unit.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: I’m glad I told you about the storage unit.,"Amy: Well, I feel closer to you now.","Sheldon: Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Amy: What did you have in mind?,"Scene: The same, shortly afterwards.","Sheldon: You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.",Amy (on Skype): I really had to go home for this?,"Sheldon: Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room.",1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room.","Amy: And yet, I’m not.",Sheldon: But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.,1
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.,"Amy: And yet, you can’t.",Sheldon: I know.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,,Scene: The apartment (initially inside a virtual reality device),"Sheldon: It’s nice to get back to nature. Why don’t I do this more often? What a beautiful forest. Hello, little butterfly. What’s your Na-oh!",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: It’s nice to get back to nature. Why don’t I do this more often? What a beautiful forest. Hello, little butterfly. What’s your Na-oh!",Leonard: Whatcha doing?,"Sheldon: I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.",Penny: What am I smelling?,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.",Penny: That’s not what the forest smells like.,"Sheldon: Well, how would I know?",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Well, how would I know?",Leonard: Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it.,Sheldon: Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.,"Leonard: Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.","Sheldon: Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.","Penny: Okay, if that’s true, why aren’t there more genius squirrels?",Sheldon: You may need this more than I do.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Here’s your tea.,Sheldon: Oh. Do not sneak up on a guy when he’s sitting on a log.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Oh. Do not sneak up on a guy when he’s sitting on a log.,"Amy: You know, if you really want to be in nature, why don’t we rent a cabin?","Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry, when did you even get here? I…",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: But I could get her.,Amy: We could all go for the weekend. It’ll be fun.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Here, look up fun, get back to me.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: Sure.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go with them.","Sheldon: I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: I’ll see if it’s available.,"Amy: You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.",Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well done, it worked, we’re going.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Leonard: Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.","Penny: Well, we’ll be in the woods.",Sheldon: I’m ready to go.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Leonard: Anything you’d like to say to him?,"Penny: Nice hat, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Thanks.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: It’s so cute and rustic up here.,Leonard: I know. Did you see they still have a video rental place? it’s like Colonial Williamsburg.,"Sheldon: Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.",Amy: Have you ever been off the grid before?,Sheldon: Once. The battery ran out on my phone. I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Leonard: So nice of that doctor to just let you use it.,"Penny: Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought.","Sheldon: Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?","Amy: Sheldon, all we did was walk in from the car.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, suit yourself. Who wants to check me?",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: This sucks.,Leonard: And there goes our hike.,"Sheldon: Oh, not our hike, now we have to stay safe and warm.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Amy: So what do we do now?,Leonard: They have some board games.,"Sheldon: Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Amy: Ooh, that sounds cozy.",Leonard: I don’t think I’ve lit a real fire before.,"Sheldon: Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.",Leonard: I could stack the logs conically to facilitate airflow.,Sheldon: That would maximize oxygen for optimal combustion.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Scene: The cabin.,"Penny: Hey, you guys want to play a drinking game?","Sheldon: Oh, well now, we’ll never win. You always play the drinking game.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Penny: All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.",Leonard: I’ve never played that before.,"Sheldon: Hey, now, wait. Have we started? Do I drink? What is happening?",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Penny: Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.","Leonard: Okay, I’ll go. Never have I ever been arrested.",Sheldon: So I drink.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: So I drink.,"Amy: No, it’s only if you’ve done it.",Sheldon: Got it.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Got it.,Amy: I can’t believe you’ve been arrested.,Sheldon: I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.,"Penny: Sheldon, what did you do?","Sheldon: Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Leonard: Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.",Amy: I’m surprised you would do that.,"Sheldon: No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.","Penny: What, he arrested you for that?","Sheldon: No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.",Penny: And then you got arrested.,"Sheldon: Oh, and how.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Leonard: Never should’ve told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.,"Amy: Okay. My turn. Um, never have I ever completely rocked my girlfriend’s world in bed.",Sheldon: Amy.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Penny: Yeah, go ahead.",Leonard: That’s right.,"Sheldon: All right, my turn. Mm. Oh, I know. Never have I ever kept a secret bank account, because I think my wife can’t handle money. Did I win? I feel like I won.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: We’re married. We’re supposed to share everything.,"Leonard: What, you mean, like, your massive credit card debt?",Sheldon: I’m calling it. I won.,1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Howard: You didn’t.,Scene: The cabin. ,"Sheldon: Oh, never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.",Amy: Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.",Amy: Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.",1
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.",Amy: Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.,Sheldon: Oh. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,,Scene: The comic book store. ,"Sheldon: I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Man-bat is a part man, part bat hybrid. Now, if Man-Bat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Man-Batman?",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Raj: But wouldn’t Man-Batman just be a Batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?,Howard: But Batman is a man. You’re talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That’s just Man-Man.,"Sheldon: Well, isn’t Man-Man just Man?",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Leonard: No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.",Howard: So does that answer your question?,"Sheldon: Oh, I haven’t asked it yet.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: What, why did you get a party sub?",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: What, why did you get a party sub?","Leonard: People are coming over, it looked fun.","Sheldon: Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.",Leonard: Your attendance implies it’s not.,"Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.","Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months.","Sheldon: Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.","Leonard: Oh, you know what? I’m not going.","Sheldon: Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.",Leonard: This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure.,Sheldon: You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.,Leonard: You’re the only one who eats them.,"Sheldon: And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?","Leonard: I’m not going, you can’t make me.","Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see about that.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see about that.",Penny: What is the problem?,Sheldon: He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge?",Leonard: You have fun. I will not be attending.,"Sheldon: Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.",Leonard: You’re being ridiculous.,"Sheldon: There’s a motion on the floor, I’m ridiculous. Do we have a second? Hmm? Hmm? There is no second. The motion is denied. Next time, make sure you have the votes first. That was embarrassing.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Leonard: Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.","Penny: Well, I will still come to your meeting.","Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. Tomorrow’s picture day.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Leonard: Why are you taking his side?,"Penny: Because it’s important to him, and when we signed the roommate agreement, we made a deal.","Sheldon: You keep talking like that, you’re gonna make colour guard.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Raj: Oh, that sounds great, a bed to yourself. Can’t even remember what that’s like.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Are you up-to-date on Game of Thrones?,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: Are you up-to-date on Game of Thrones?,"Penny: Mm, I think so. Dragons, snow zombies, and all the hot guys are dead.","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. Theon Greyjoy looks pretty good for a guy who had his genitals cut off.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Penny: Really? The only adult?,"Leonard: Yeah, that’s right.","Sheldon: Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.",Leonard: And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed.,Sheldon: All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.,Leonard: I don’t want to.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.",Leonard: Stop saying meeting.,"Sheldon: Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.",Amy: I brought my famous spinach dip.,"Sheldon: Yeah, Amy, just one second. Meeting.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Amy: What’s going on with him?,"Penny: Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting.","Sheldon: Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Don’t worry, he’ll come around.","Amy: Well, I get why he’s annoyed.","Sheldon: Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.",Leonard: You love The Simpsons.,Sheldon: I love Lisa Simpson.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: I love Lisa Simpson.,"Amy: Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings.",Sheldon: Wait. You were pretending?,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: Wait. You were pretending?,Amy: Sorry.,Sheldon: No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.,"Amy: Oh, Sheldon, I never thought re-filing a matter in a standing subcommittee could be so fascinating.","Sheldon: Hmm, what do you think?",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Raj: It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon, we’ll watch Game of Thrones over here.",Sheldon: Gladly.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: Gladly.,"Leonard: Oh, good, go. You know, it’ll be nice to watch an episode without someone saying, I read the books, don’t get too fond of this character.","Sheldon: It’s not always because they die. In one case, it’s because they’ve become involved with underground tree people from the dawn of time. Yeah, but I won’t say who it is. It’s Brann.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Yeah, come on, Raj.","Raj: Wait, did Amy make her spinach dip?",Sheldon: She did.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Penny: May I take your cloak?,Stuart: Thanks. This thing kept getting caught in the chain of my bike.,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll catch you up. Uh, Penny is angry at Leonard, Leonard’s angry at me and Penny, I’m angry at Leonard and Amy, Raj is angry at Howard, and I’m angry at George R.R. Martin ’cause there are no new books for me to spoil for Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Scene: A hospital waiting room.,Leonard: It just said Italian sub. I had no idea mortadella has pistachios in it.,"Sheldon: Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.,Bernadette: He’s gonna be okay.,Sheldon: Now it’s a fun fact.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Okay, well, that was murder, this was an accident.",Raj: Okay. But you using Sheldon to do your dirty work is like when Cersei used the King’s Guard to do her bidding.,Sheldon: Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Penny: There you go.,Leonard: That’s true.,Sheldon: Fair enough.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Leonard: Let’s get out of here.,Amy: That was scary.,"Sheldon: Well, the important thing is I said that big sandwich would ruin everything, and I was right.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Raj (shouting from upstairs window): Hey, Jon Snow. How come your horse has a basket on it?",Stuart: How come your head has your face on it?,"Sheldon: They don’t wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You’re thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Stuart: That’s it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store. Horse has a basket on it. Stupid… aaargh!",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.,1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.,Leonard: What is it?,"Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?",1
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?",Penny: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Man-Bat suit?,Sheldon: I’ll be back.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?,Howard: ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies.,"Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.",Amy: But you always say that you want to win a Nobel Prize.,"Sheldon: I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.,"Amy: Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go.","Sheldon: Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.","Amy: Well, I’m going. You couldn’t stop me from getting a massage at the mall, and you’re not stopping me now.",Sheldon: I shouldn’t have to see my girlfriend get groped in public by another man.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Bernadette: Of course.,"Penny: Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on.","Sheldon: Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.",Bernadette: Me? How? Why?,"Sheldon: Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.","Bernadette: Gee, Sheldon, I don’t know.","Sheldon: Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Leonard: The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.",Bernadette: I guess we could give it a try.,"Sheldon: Well, little lady, you’ve heard of party hearty, get ready to party hardly.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: Sure. I’d like to meet her.,"Raj: Oh, that’s great. I’ve been wanting her to meet you guys, too, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.","Sheldon: Oh, but I won’t be there.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Leonard: Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?","Raj: They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions.","Sheldon: You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.",Leonard: Who’s Frank and Alicia?,"Sheldon: You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?",Howard: Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready.,Sheldon: I am going to record this for posterity.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: I am going to record this for posterity.,"Leonard: All right, here goes nothing.",Sheldon: Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?,"Leonard: Fine. Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one commencing.","Sheldon: Eh, maybe it’s your voice. I’m gonna see if I can get James Earl Jones to do it in post.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: Since my preschool got a bunny.,"Penny: Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight?",Sheldon: Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.,"Penny: Oh, good for you.","Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.","Penny: No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it.","Sheldon: Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.","Leonard: Okay, have fun.","Sheldon: Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.",Leonard: We’re leaving now!,"Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.","Penny: Okay, we’re leaving, love you, bye.","Sheldon: Boy, do I love restrictions.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Scene: The apartment.,Bernadette: I brought sparkling cider.,"Sheldon: Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.",Bernadette: So what do you want to do tonight?,"Sheldon: Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.",Bernadette: There’s more than one?,Sheldon: You’ve heard of French toast?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: You’ve heard of French toast?,Bernadette: Yeah.,Sheldon: Cinnamon toast?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Cinnamon toast?,Bernadette: Yeah.,Sheldon: Melba toast?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Melba toast?,Bernadette: Yeah.,Sheldon: You get where I’m going here?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Zack: Huh. You sure you guys are smart?,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.","Bernadette: I’m sorry, I have to ask.","Sheldon: When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.",Bernadette: What is it about trains that you like so much?,"Sheldon: What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.","Bernadette: That’s lovely, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, other than when they’re chugging through your bowels, these things are magic.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Raj: I said no questions.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.",Bernadette: Dungeons & Dragons? That sounds about right.,Sheldon: You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you.,"Bernadette: Okay, but just for a little bit.","Sheldon: Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.",Bernadette: All right.,Sheldon: Ready?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Ready?,Bernadette: You bet.,"Sheldon: Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.",Bernadette: Oh. I like the idea of being tall.,"Sheldon: I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.",Bernadette: This is getting fun. What’s next?,"Sheldon: You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.","Bernadette: Oh, I haven’t had a drink in months.",Sheldon: What do you do?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: What do you do?,"Bernadette: I storm in, slam my sword down, and say, barkeep, bring me the strongest ale you have and serve it in the skull of a goblin.",Sheldon: He wants to see I.D.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: Not a lot. I just couldn’t start until you walked away.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?,Bernadette: Does it have eyes?,Sheldon: Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling.,Bernadette: I stab it in the middle eye.,"Sheldon: Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.","Bernadette: Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn.","Sheldon: Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.","Bernadette: Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought.","Sheldon: Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.","Bernadette: Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight.","Sheldon: I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.","Bernadette: Well, thanks again.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.",Bernadette: I might just take you up on that.,"Sheldon: Well, mind you now, that offer’s only good until the third trimester. I can’t risk getting amniotic fluid on my spot.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Morning.,Sheldon: Morning.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Morning.,Leonard: Ugh. Too much wine.,"Sheldon: Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.","Leonard: Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system?",Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Of course.,Leonard: Does it bother you?,"Sheldon: No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.",1
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.",Leonard: Who are these people?,"Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: Helium.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Taylor Swift.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Taylor Swift.,Penny: Yes. Pi.,Sheldon: Yes. Kardashian.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Yes. Kardashian.,Penny: More specific.,Sheldon: Khloe?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Khloe?,Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Penny: Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?",Leonard: What are you guys doing?,"Sheldon: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Penny: Okay.,"Leonard: Hmm, atom of hydrogen, Adam of Maroon 5, mic drop.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, who is Mike Drop?",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Penny: No problem.,"Leonard: Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go?",Sheldon: Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?,"Leonard: Well, I can do without the 40-minute car ride where she criticizes every aspect of my life.",Sheldon: She can cover it in a car ride? I could do 40 minutes on your posture alone.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Penny: Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.","Leonard: That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah.","Sheldon: All right, back to learning.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: All right, back to learning.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.",Penny: Or as I know him?,Sheldon: Creepy old dude from Dancing with the Stars.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Scene: The comic book store.,Raj: Did you guys see there’s an Avengers screening? Joss Whedon’s gonna show some deleted scenes and do a question and answer session.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Howard: Let’s do it.,"Leonard: Penny’s busy with my mother, so I’m in.","Sheldon: Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Howard: In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?","Raj: Uh, I’d say by three.",Sheldon: You’re really going without me?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: You’re really going without me?,"Leonard: It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you.","Sheldon: You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.",Leonard: People do it all the time.,"Sheldon: You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Scene: The cinema line.,"Howard: We’ve waited in a lot of lines together, haven’t we?",Sheldon: Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Raj: Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.","Leonard: Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.","Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?","Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?","Sheldon: I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?","Stuart: Oh, I’m not upset with you, but Amy’s pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.","Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.",Stuart: Hey.,Sheldon: Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?,"Stuart: Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad.",Sheldon: Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?,"Stuart: I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry.","Sheldon: Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.",Leonard: You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself?,"Sheldon: I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.",Stuart: I’m happy to hold your place till you get back.,Sheldon: You would do that?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: You would do that?,Stuart: Consider it my way of getting more of your money.,Sheldon: You’re a good man.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Bernadette: Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?","Penny: Um, it has seat warmers.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",Amy: Come in.,"Sheldon: Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.",Amy: Fine.,"Sheldon: Oh, thanks, you’re a peach. Beverly, we’ll catch up soon. Bernadette, it was a pleasure as always, Penny, you have spinach in your teeth.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Howard: Hmm, maybe not. Leonard?","Leonard: So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?",Sheldon: I’m back.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: I’m back.,"Leonard: Hey, how’d it go?","Sheldon: It went well. Yeah, I’ve learned that if you never say you’re sorry, the times you do really puts them on their heels. Uh, Stuart, I relieve you of your line duties.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Man: Hey, guys.",Woman: You made it.,Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.,Leonard: He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.",Howard: We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way.,Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?,Leonard: We’d still get in.,Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?,Leonard: Still get in.,Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?,"Leonard: We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair.",Sheldon: Excuse me.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Excuse me.,"Leonard: Oh, please don’t.","Sheldon: Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.","Man: Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool.","Sheldon: Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: You need to go to the back of the line.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: You need to go to the back of the line.,"Man: Uh, who made you line monitor?",Sheldon: Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade. And my slogan was a line that’s straight is a line that’s great.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Penny: Okay, good example.",Scene: The cinema line.,Sheldon: What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters?,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters?,Man: The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.,"Sheldon: They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government?",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Man: As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.,Raj: He’s got him there. The D even stands for department.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?",Man: Told you.,"Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.","Howard: I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair.","Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.","Leonard: Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.","Sheldon: Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…",Woman: Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself.,Sheldon: I most certainly did not.,1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Woman: I saw you.,"Man: If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned.","Sheldon: Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.","Leonard: Buddy, let it go.","Sheldon: No, I can’t. This isn’t right.",1
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: No, I can’t. This isn’t right.",Leonard: You did everything you could.,"Sheldon: No, I could’ve done more.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.,"Amy: Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour?","Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.","Penny: Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding?","Sheldon: Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.",Bernadette: Who’s Erno Rubik?,Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.,"Penny: Okay, fine, but why would you invite him to our wedding?","Sheldon: Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Scene: Amy’s car.,Mary Cooper: Thank you for picking me up.,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re welcome.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Mary: Oh, please call me Mary.","Amy: Okay, Mary.","Sheldon: You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.","Mary: Sheldon, don’t be silly.","Sheldon: Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.",Mary: It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.,"Sheldon: Well, actually, I…",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Amy: It sure was.,Mary: I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Mary: Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?,"Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny’s family is coming tomorrow.","Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonard’s mother’s already here.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Amy: You’ve met her, right?","Mary: Yes, I have.","Sheldon: Mother, she’s an atheist, not a vampire.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Beverly: Very good.,Mary: Good.,"Sheldon: I don’t know what we were worried about, they’re getting along great.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Alfred: How the hell did you do that?,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Isn’t this nice?,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Penny: Thank you.,"Leonard: Dad, you remember Sheldon.",Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Alfred: Hello, my hateful shrew.","Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.","Sheldon: All right, now I’m starting to sense a little tension.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Beverly: I’m sorry.,"Mary: You know, the Bible says forgiveness…",Sheldon: Mom.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Mary: I’m sorry.,"Penny: Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.",Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: I’m not sorry. That’s true.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Alfred: Oh, I’m an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.","Mary: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.","Sheldon: Don’t laugh, she wasn’t joking.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Alfred: You’re welcome.,Amy: Do you realize what’s happening here?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. They’re filling up on bread and ruining their meal.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Leonard: Okay, Mom, you sit over there.","Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna call Bernadette and see what’s keeping them.","Sheldon: If I’d known you were broke, I wouldn’t have made a big deal about the bread.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Alfred: Now, one of the more exciting things to be found recently is that Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens frequently mated with each other.","Mary: Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon’s father.","Sheldon: That’s funny, because my father was not a very clever man.",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Amy: I’d be lost without you.,"Leonard: Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.","Sheldon: See, that’s funny because…",1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Mary: I think that you could.,Leonard: What is happening there?,Sheldon: I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Sheldon: I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: She’s still not answering.,1
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Leonard: My father’s not texting me back.,Penny: ‘Cause they both turned their phones off.,Sheldon: I don’t like this at all.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Following a “previously on” sequence.,Sceme: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard?,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard?,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers.,Leonard: We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep.,Sheldon: I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.,Leonard: Go to sleep.,Sheldon: Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?,Penny: Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep.,Sheldon: Very well.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Leonard: I’m sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.,"Penny: God, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this.","Sheldon: Hey, if you want me to sleep you’re gonna have to stop talking.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Leonard: Yeah, drive safe. ","Penny: Oh, hey, and do yourself a favour, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night. All right? As far as you’re concerned, you don’t know anything, you didn’t see anything. I want you just to play dumb.",Sheldon: It was nice of her to show us playing dumb with an example.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Beverley: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.","Leonard: Well, why? What’s wrong?","Sheldon: Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?",Beverley: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.,"Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?","Beverley: Stop it, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?",Beverley: I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.,"Sheldon: Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.","Penny: Okay, Beverley, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap. ",Sheldon: And turned their phones off.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Penny: Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.","Beverley: Well, we can’t have that.","Sheldon: You know, also, if they did have coitus, we’ll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Beverley: I can’t wait for this day to be over.,"Leonard: Yeah, special, like that. (Knock on door) That’s them. Please don’t make things any more awkward than they already are.","Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Mary: Good morning.,Beverley: Morning.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Mary: I’m good, too.",Beverley: Good.,"Sheldon: So, did you defile my mother or not?",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Mary: Sheldon. You’re being rude.,"Alfred: If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.",Sheldon: Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold?,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Alfred: Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.",Leonard: You don’t know his girlfriend very well.,Sheldon: Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Scene: The apartment.,Mary: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?,Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You’re kind of a sucker.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Mary: Mm-hmm. And he’s never been to Texas.,Alfred: Maybe we meet halfway.,Sheldon: What? In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can’t be the only one that knows that’s halfway.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Leonard: Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this.","Mary: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.","Sheldon: What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.",Leonard: Are you saying that my dad’s not good enough for your mom?,"Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?",Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m going across the hall.,Sheldon: But why should you get to go and leave me here with your bickering parents?,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Alfred: I’ll go with you.,Leonard: That still leaves me here with him.,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.",Amy: Who’s ready for a wedding?,"Sheldon: Great, now I have to start all over.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Alfred: Yes, I am. I’m just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I’ve caused.","Mary: Oh, so am I.","Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.","Amy: Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off.","Sheldon: Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Amy: It was a lot hotter than it sounds.,Alfred: You’re a patient young lady.,"Sheldon: Hey, hey. She’s mine, take a cold shower, grandpa.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Stuart: I was wondering why the front row was available.,"Bernadette: Okay, I think we’re ready.",Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Stuart: Really, I can move.","Bernadette: Not just Leonard and Penny’s love, but the love we have for them, as well as each other.","Sheldon: Speaking of love, STDs among the elderly are skyrocketing.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Stuart: That’s beautiful.,"Bernadette: Thank you. All right, let’s continue.","Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.",Amy: It’s happening.,"Sheldon: Leonard, you and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don’t always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you. ",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Amy: You’ll be at the airport an hour before your flight.,Mary: Good. Thank you.,Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.,Mary: Hey. I will not have you be disrespectful to me.,Sheldon: Yes ma’am.,1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Yes ma’am.,"Amy: Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.","Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.",Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.,"Sheldon: What, you’re not my mother.",1
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: What, you’re not my mother.",Mary: Don’t you be disrespectful to her.,Sheldon: Yes ma’am.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Following a “previously on” sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we’re all just characters in some advanced civilization’s video game.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we’re all just characters in some advanced civilization’s video game.,Leonard: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?,"Sheldon: Well, he doesn’t say it’s a good game.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Leonard: Really?,Raj: Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying.,"Sheldon: Oh, what did he say?",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Oh, what did he say?",Raj: He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.,Sheldon: That doesn’t sound terrifying.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Leonard: You do that, too?","Howard: Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin?","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?","Raj: Well, you’re kidding, right?","Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?","Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.","Sheldon: Okay, Howard’s on board. What do you think, Leonard?",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Raj: My cousin does work in a call centre.,Howard: And my cousin’s a lawyer.,"Sheldon: We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. ",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. ","Leonard: You’re not a lawyer, Sheldon, you’re just a know-it-all.",Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.,Leonard: That’s the definition of being a know-it-all.,"Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Scene: Howard’s workshop.,Howard: Give me a second to call my cousin.,Sheldon: I don’t see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Howard: Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.",Leonard: Hi. ,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Howard: Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?","Marty: Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything.","Sheldon: Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?",Marty: That’s not what I meant.,Sheldon: That’s what you said.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: That’s what you said.,Marty: That’s not what I meant.,"Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.","Marty: Howard, why is he yelling at me?","Sheldon: All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Howard: Marty, let me call you back.","Leonard: Someday, when I’m up on murder charges, you’ll be hearing from me.",Sheldon: You don’t need him. I’ll represent you.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Penny: Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.",Scene: Howard’s workshop.,Sheldon: I don’t understand why I can’t talk at this meeting.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: I don’t understand why I can’t talk at this meeting.,"Leonard: ‘Cause when you talk, it enrages people.",Sheldon: Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?,Leonard: I’m getting enraged.,Sheldon: Fine. Ooh. Can I use text-to-speech software?,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Colonel Williams: So, which one of you is the brains behind all this?","Howard: It’s a group effort, but I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.",Sheldon: (Strangled sound) ,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Colonel Williams: Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.",Howard: Four months?,"Sheldon: Yeah, we’ll do it in two. Hi. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I’m the actual brains behind this project. Also, engineers aren’t real scientists, MIT’s a trade school, and the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. But otherwise, thank you for your service.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: Hi.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.",Penny: Does he even like lemon bars?,"Sheldon: Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.",Penny: Something happen at the meeting?,Sheldon: They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.,Penny: And you talked?,"Sheldon: Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.","Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too.","Sheldon: Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.",Penny: Why would that make me feel better?,Sheldon: Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.,Penny: Okay. Never mind.,"Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.","Penny: Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know.",Sheldon: Why would you do that?,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,"Penny: Well, it just slipped out. I feel terrible.","Sheldon: See, that’s exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Bernadette: You believe me? Oh, good. 11 more chumps like you, I’ll have the jury eating out of my hand.",Scene: A corridor at the university. ,Sheldon: I never realized this building was classified.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Howard: Maybe that’s because it’s classified.,Leonard: Wish we weren’t so far from my parking space.,"Sheldon: The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.",1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.",Leonard: I’d like to reinstate the you-not-talking rule.,Sheldon: Why? It clearly doesn’t work.,1
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Scanner: Howard Wolowitz, access granted.",Leonard: No way.,Sheldon: Impressive.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Howard: It’s pretty late. You think I’ve got time to run some more simulations on the cooling system?,"Leonard: Sure, I’m still figuring out the thermo-acoustic expander.","Sheldon: Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.",Howard: What?,"Sheldon: It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Howard: Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere.",Leonard: We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you.,"Sheldon: I know, I was there.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: I know, I was there.","Howard: Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights.",Sheldon: How late?,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: How late?,"Howard: Well, I don’t know, midnight, one.",Sheldon: One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.,"Howard: If you’re tired, have some coffee.",Sheldon: What? You have some coffee.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: What? You have some coffee.,Howard: I am having coffee.,Sheldon: And look how irritable it’s making you!,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: Guys, we’re not gonna get anything done if we start fighting. Now, can you please try",to soldier through?,Sheldon: Fine. (Time passing montage) I don’t think I can go much longer.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I had a bad dream that my best friend became a tyrant and forced me to stay up all night to work.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Amy: Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.","Leonard: Oh, that is so nice.","Sheldon: Ow, it does hurt.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: So, what are you guys gonna do today?","Amy: Well, Sheldon was supposed to go to this party with me this afternoon, but I don’t think that’s happening.","Sheldon: Oh, that was never happening.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Leonard: You don’t think you’ll be bored?,"Penny: Oh, I’ll have some wine and listen to people go on about crap I don’t understand. I mean, how is it any different than every single day of my life?",Sheldon: I won’t be there.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Scene: In the university, Sheldon is asleep against a vending machine.","Voice: Psst, hey, kid.","Sheldon: Huh, what?",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Huh, what?",The Flash (the voice): You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.","The Flash: Oh sorry, I thought you were cool.","Sheldon: I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.","The Flash: All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these.",Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?,The Flash: You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch.,Sheldon: I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.,The Flash: Here. It’s on the house.,"Sheldon: The first one’s free? Flash, how do you stay in business?",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: Oh, it’s complicated. He finds pushing that little door and reaching up into the machine",uncomfortably intimate.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.",Leonard: Are you okay?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fantastic, never been better. I had my first energy drink and I feel great. Hey, you guys want to wrestle? We can do arm, thumb, mud, sumo. Nah, we’re not fat enough, or wearing diapers.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Howard: Maybe we should break for lunch. What time is it?,"Leonard: According to the world’s worst cuckoo clock, it’s two.",Sheldon: My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever.,Howard: Why don’t you just go home?,"Sheldon: No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I want another one.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I want another one.,Leonard: So?,Sheldon: That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.,Leonard: You only had one.,"Sheldon: No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.",Howard: You can’t develop a problem that fast.,"Sheldon: You want to bet? Oh, great, now I’m addicted to gambling.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Howard: Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?","Leonard: That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together?","Sheldon: I’m sorry. Yes, of course.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Yes, of course.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.",Howard: No worries.,Sheldon: You guys stink.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Scene: The lab.,Leonard: I’m gonna get some coffee. You want some?,"Sheldon: Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?","Leonard: Uh, okay, let’s pretend you do have a problem.",Sheldon: I do.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I do.,Leonard: You don’t.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I do.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I do.","Leonard: No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it?",Sheldon: With what?,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: With what?,Leonard: Your problem.,Sheldon: I thought I didn’t have a problem.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Raj: Happy and well-fed. You see, that’s what I’m taking from that story.",Scene: The lab. ,"Sheldon: Leonard, can I ask you a question?",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Leonard, can I ask you a question?",Leonard: Is it about the rotational symmetries you should be figuring out or your fake caffeine problem?,"Sheldon: Howard, can I ask you a question?",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Howard, can I ask you a question?",Howard: No.,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…","Leonard: Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care.",Sheldon: You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.,Leonard: Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it.,Sheldon: I can’t.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I can’t.,"Leonard: Yes, you can.","Sheldon: No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.",Leonard: Seriously?,Sheldon: I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.,"Leonard: It’s okay, we’ll figure something out.",Sheldon: But what if we can’t?,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Colonel Williams: Well, you could try starting with sir.","Leonard: Right. Sorry, sir.","Sheldon: He said start with it, not end with it.",1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Colonel Williams: Hmm?,Howard: We’ve hit a bit of a snag. We’re already behind schedule.,Sheldon: The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.,1
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: Thanks for understanding, sir.","Howard: Yes, thank you so much.","Sheldon: We, we really appreciate it.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Amy: Oh, my, this is a big step.","Leonard: Mm-hmm. For two of us, it’s in the right direction.",Sheldon: Why are you all smiling like crazy people?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Cohabitation with my girlfriend? That’s a great deal to process.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Penny: Yeah, and we’ll be right across the hall.",Amy: What do you think?,Sheldon: I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?,"Penny: Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that.","Sheldon: Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Leonard: You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months.,"Amy: Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?",Sheldon: Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.,"Leonard: Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.","Sheldon: If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Penny: Don’t be proud of that.,"Amy: So, is that a yes?","Sheldon: Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.","Penny: Well, where would you go?","Sheldon: Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste. ",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard: And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914","Penny: Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here?","Sheldon: Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.",Leonard: That’s a good question. Maybe just don’t come over.,"Sheldon: Historically, I don’t do well with change.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Historically, I don’t do well with change.","Penny: Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone.","Sheldon: You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Leonard: Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone.,"Amy: Sheldon, what do you think?",Sheldon: Very well. I’m on board.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Very well. I’m on board.,Amy: Seriously?,Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.,Amy: Oh. This is so exciting.,"Sheldon: Well, now, don’t be surprised if, like Star Trek, it’s cancelled in three.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: You know, I’m very proud of you for trying to live with Amy.",Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,Penny: Mm. ,"Sheldon: Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.","Penny: That was a cute story. So, um, what did you want to ask me?","Sheldon: Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?","Penny: Mm. Well, the biggie is, if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible.","Sheldon: You know, Leonard and I were very happy before you came along.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard: He startles easily, so, please, no flash photography.",Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,Sheldon: How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move?,Amy: I don’t know. I didn’t count.,Sheldon: You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.,"Amy: That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that?","Sheldon: Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.","Amy: Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it.",Sheldon: Okay. Talk.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Okay. Talk.,"Amy: Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations. ","Sheldon: Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. ",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. ","Amy: Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it.",Sheldon: You’re really okay with that?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: You’re really okay with that?,"Amy: I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too.","Sheldon: This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.",Amy: Good call. Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running.,Sheldon: I know. They probably shouldn’t sell those to children.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Penny: Well, here’s your key.",Amy: Thank you.,Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.,Leonard: You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.,Sheldon: It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Penny: Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional.",Amy: Shall we?,Sheldon: I guess this is it.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: I guess this is it.,Leonard: You guys have fun.,"Sheldon: You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.","Penny: Yeah, you wrote it on my hand.","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.","Leonard: I’m on it. 15 years from now, we’ll make guacamole together.","Sheldon: Leonard, please, let me go.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Leonard, please, let me go.","Amy: Come on, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Oh. Bye.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Penny: Good night.,"Amy: Well, that’s it. For the next five weeks, we are officially living together.",Sheldon: I guess the experiment begins.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard (off, also screaming): Yeah.",Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Which side of the bed would you prefer?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Which side of the bed would you prefer?,Amy: Doesn’t matter to me. Your choice.,"Sheldon: No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.","Amy: Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want.","Sheldon: Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.","Amy: Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate.","Sheldon: Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?","Amy: Sheldon, will you please just pick a side?","Sheldon: Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.",Amy: Great. That’s your side.,"Sheldon: No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.","Amy: Okay, I’ll take that side.","Sheldon: Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?",Amy: Rising rapidly.,"Sheldon: Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.",Amy: Okay. What if we do this?,Sheldon: I suppose that works.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: I suppose that works.,Amy: Great.,Sheldon: Although now I’m kind of worried someone’s hiding behind those drapes.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,Amy (off): Ugh. What is that? (Entering) Why did you switch sides?,Sheldon: Be grateful I’m still in the room.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Be grateful I’m still in the room.,Amy: Comfy?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.","Amy: Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling.","Sheldon: Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.","Amy: Sheldon, I’ve made more than enough accommodations for you. We’re both grown adults, we’ve been far more intimate than this. If you don’t want to snuggle, fine, but we’re not building a pillow wall.","Sheldon: Okay, well, I am sorry. I’m just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat, I’m surprised there aren’t iguanas lying on it.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Howard: Call you back.,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: No, Dr. Feynman. If I solve it for you, you’ll never learn.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,"Amy: Oh, oh, oh.",Sheldon: What are you doing down there?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: What are you doing down there?,Amy: Hang on.,Sheldon: Who are you calling? Aaargh!,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard: If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.",Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?",Amy: Miserable and exhausted.,Sheldon: Really? I slept great.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Really? I slept great.,"Amy: Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault.",Sheldon: How? You had the whole floor to yourself.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: How? You had the whole floor to yourself.,"Amy: Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea.","Sheldon: Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?",Amy: The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night.,"Sheldon: Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.","Amy: I’m sorry, are you questioning my integrity as a scientist?",Sheldon: If the lab room disposable shoe cover fits.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Penny: Oh.,"Amy: What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables.",Sheldon: How dare you?,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: How dare you?,"Amy: Oh, you heard me. Your experimental bona fides are laughable.","Sheldon: Whoa, whoa! Now you’re making fun of my bona fides?",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Leonard: Do it.,Penny: Damn. ,"Sheldon: Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.","Amy: Well, for science, maybe I will.","Sheldon: For science, maybe you should.",1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: For science, maybe you should.",Amy: Fine.,Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Fine.,Amy: Good.,Sheldon: Great.,1
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Great.,Amy: Do you want to go to our place and make out?,Sheldon: Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad?,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Penny: Okay, I’m confused. Which one is Mr. Robot?",Leonard: I’ll give you a hint. We’re watching Daredevil.,Sheldon: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Leonard: Don’t.,"Amy: I told you, you can’t regulate every aspect of our lives.",Sheldon: I can if you’d just roll over and accept your fate.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.",Penny: She’s right. That’s reasonable.,"Sheldon: Oh, look who’s in favour of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: When you live with someone, there’s gonna be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.",Sheldon: Well I’m open to that.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Amy: Okay. Well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.","Penny: Sheldon, what do you say to that?",Sheldon: I think we should see other people.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: I think we should see other people.,Amy: What?,"Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.",Amy: We sleep together once a year. You want other partners?,"Sheldon: Don’t blame me. Blame your pal, biology. He’s the pervert pulling the strings here.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Howard: You know what’s weird? How turned on you are right now.,Scene: Penny’s car. ,"Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.",Penny: Just as challenging?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: As you?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Just as challenging as you?,"Sheldon: When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto ",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,and headed for the storm cellar.,"Penny: Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal.",Sheldon: She’s always complaining about people at work.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: She’s always complaining about people at work.,"Penny: Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.","Sheldon: Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?","Penny: You know, so does Leonard. Can’t I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? Hey-hey-hey.",Sheldon: I know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Scene: Penny’s car. ,"Penny: You know, one night, Leonard’s nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.",Sheldon: Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat?,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat?,Penny: Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car.,"Sheldon: If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.","Penny: Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream.","Sheldon: Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.","Penny: Oh, please, you’re barely interested in a physical relationship with one person. Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?","Sheldon: Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, hubba hubba, like any other guy.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Scene: An ice-cream parlour.,"Penny: Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favourite.","Sheldon: No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.",Penny: What about the girl behind the counter?,"Sheldon: Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.",Penny: Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone?,Sheldon: You are truly wise.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: You are truly wise.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.",Penny: All right. Come on. What is really going on with you?,"Sheldon: Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.",Penny: All right.,"Sheldon: I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.",Penny: Not relating. Go on.,Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.,"Penny: Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay.","Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.","Penny: Oh, that’s awful.","Sheldon: I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"one’s traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.","Penny: Well, what happened with your dad?","Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.",Penny: You poor thing.,"Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.",Penny: And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did?,Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.,"Penny: Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women.","Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.","Penny: Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now?","Sheldon: I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.",Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you. Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Penny: We’re back.,"Amy: Oh, hi. Hi.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Leonard: How you guys doing?,Penny: We’re doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.,"Sheldon: I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It, it was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Penny: Do you want him back?,Leonard: I’m very happy for you.,"Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level. ",1
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level. ",Scene: Amy and Sheldon’s bathroom.,"Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me?",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.","Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.",Amy: You know what I meant.,"Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.",Amy: I’m sorry I mentioned it.,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That’s called teamwork.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: What’s going on here?,"Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.","Amy: Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming?","Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.",Amy: You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor?,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.",Amy: That’s an odd mix of people.,"Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.",Amy: You never went into that haunted house.,Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.,"Amy: Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Amy: Well, that’s not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have","expected the surprise, and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is, I didn’t know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.",Sheldon: Don’t get me all randy. Guests are on the way.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: There’s nothing to be afraid of, Sheldon.","Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.",Amy: Been 15 minutes. Just sayin’.,Sheldon: Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Amy: How old was it,Bert: It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it.,"Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?","Mrs Petrescu: Yes. Drink is fun and good friends, Applebee’s.",Sheldon: She’s learning English from TV.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Stuart: These are for you.,"Amy: Oh, they’re pretty. Thank you.","Sheldon: Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab, and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Howard: Oh, yeah, oh, anyway, let’s just get in and see if the GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: So until Amy’s apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Mrs Petrescu: My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.","Stuart: Really, no one else is coming?",Sheldon: This is it. You are the practice round.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Stuart: Practice round? For-for what?,"Amy: Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.","Sheldon: You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.","Stuart: So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over?","Sheldon: Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.","Amy: Stuart, you know you’re one of our favourite people.","Sheldon: Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I’m glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Bert: This is the best blintz I’ve ever had.,Sheldon: Oh. Thank you. ,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Amy: We’re so sorry.,Stuart: I’m always the last one anybody thinks of.,"Sheldon: Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.",Stuart: Bye.,"Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. ",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. ","Bert: I know how it feels, too.","Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.",Stuart: Thank you.,"Sheldon: You know, in fact, I’d like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Awkward guy: What? Who are you?,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?,Stuart: Hmm?,Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable.,Stuart: Thank you for noticing.,"Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.",Stuart: You know what I love about you?,Sheldon: Hmm?,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: Hmm?,Stuart: You never leave the house without a paper clip.,Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.,1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.,Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.,"Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.",1
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.",Amy: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away.,"Sheldon: Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.,Sheldon: And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…,Both: Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun with Flags.,Sheldon: Hit it.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Together: Fun with flags. ,"Amy: As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band. ",Sheldon: Who haven’t learned their place yet.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Who haven’t learned their place yet.,Amy: We’re also coming to you live from a different apartment.,"Sheldon: Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.","Amy: So, in the spirit of cohabitation, the theme of today’s episode is flags of two regions coming together as one. Such as the flag of St. Kitts and Nevis.","Sheldon: So, let’s roll up our sleevis and get to know Nevis. (Drumroll) Well, I, I like that, but next time check with me.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Penny: Well, you’ve lied to Sheldon.","Leonard: Yeah, but to make him leave, not to make him stay.",Sheldon: Buda and Pest united to form Budapest. And that’s why Budapest is the Budabest. Now.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Thank you for your services, gentlemen. Now, I’m hoping to broaden our audience with your youthful rock and roll music.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Raj: We don’t get paid? Nothing? Not even a sandwich?,Amy: It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything?,"Sheldon: Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.","Amy: Oh, you don’t want do that, it’s a construction zone.",Sheldon: So?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: So?,"Amy: Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks?",Sheldon: I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.,"Amy: Anyway, how about dinner?","Sheldon: You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.","Amy: Thanks, but you don’t have to.","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.","Amy: Good stuff. So, uh, what about dinner?","Sheldon: Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?","Amy: No. And on the subject of subjects, is your use of the word subject the same or different as when we speak about the subject of a king?","Sheldon: I have a feeling you’re still doing it. But I find that topic irresistible, so, now, in ancient Mesopotamia, the king referred to the people as his property.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Raj: If we’re all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale?","Leonard: You’re awful quiet, everything okay?",Sheldon: I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.,"Howard: Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?","Sheldon: Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.",Leonard: I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work.,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.","Howard: You heard him, guys, don’t ask.","Sheldon: Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.","Leonard: Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago.",Sheldon: I don’t understand.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I don’t understand.,Leonard: She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early.,"Sheldon: So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I feel both flattered and hurt. Like when people say I look like that skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Howard: And how single are you right now?,Raj: Eating cake on the toilet single. ,"Sheldon: Well, I won’t tolerate deception in my relationship. I have no choice but to confront her.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: Superman’s gone, my stormtrooper’s gone.",Sheldon: Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone.,"Leonard: I’d say damn it in Klingon, but that wasn’t until next month.",Sheldon: It’s khoo-vakh. ,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: It’s khoo-vakh. ,Leonard: Khoo-vakh! She took my Where’s Waldo.,"Sheldon: No, no, he’s over there.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Amy: Let it go.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Are you going to confront Penny?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Are you going to confront Penny?,"Leonard: Eventually, I guess. Although, I am kind of curious how long she thinks she can keep hiding my stuff without me knowing.","Sheldon: Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Penny: Hi.,Amy: Food’s here.,"Sheldon: Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?","Amy: Oh, uh, they’re still working on it.",Sheldon: Interesting. Very interesting.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Interesting. Very interesting.,"Penny: Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while.","Sheldon: Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?","Penny: I did, still a mess.",Sheldon: Leonard?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,s,Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?)",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Leonard: jISovbe’ (I don’t know.),Amy: Why are you speaking Klingon?,Sheldon: Why are you speaking English?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Amy: Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing?,"Penny: Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble. ","Sheldon: Oh, wait, stop that.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, stop that.",Amy: You stop that.,Sheldon: Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?),1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?),Leonard: ghobe’ (No.),Sheldon: Qu’vatlh (Damn it.),1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Leonard: Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.",Amy: Penny was just covering for me. My place has been ready for two weeks.,Sheldon: How could you lie to me?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Bernadette: Amy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.",Amy: I guess it’s okay. I’m sorry that I lied about my apartment.,Sheldon: It’s all right.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Penny: And what? Your wizard robes are next to go.,"Raj: Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together?","Sheldon: Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.",Amy: Are you saying you’d like to live with me?,Sheldon: I’m open to the possibility.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Leonard: Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.",Raj: That would be amazing.,"Sheldon: Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.",Leonard: But you won’t be living here.,Sheldon: But that’s my room.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: But that’s my room.,Leonard: But you won’t be living here.,Sheldon: But that’s my room.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Leonard: You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.,"Penny: Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours.",Sheldon: But that’s my room.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: Thank you for understanding.,"Sheldon: Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.",Amy: Good night.,"Sheldon: Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?","Amy: I don’t know. It, it could be. ","Sheldon: Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.","Amy: Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment.",Sheldon: I hate your apartment.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I hate your apartment.,"Amy: Sorry, you brought it up?","Sheldon: Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.",Amy: It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want.,Sheldon: But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: I’m not a child, don’t do that.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: I’m not a child, don’t do that.",Amy: Sorry.,"Sheldon: Do you know 2001: A Space Odyssey? All right, now that’s soothing.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: What’s going on?,Sheldon: I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom.,Amy: Can it be more of an internal struggle?,"Sheldon: I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.",Amy: How about if I just don’t breathe at all?,Sheldon: That’s my girl. What on earth? What is going on?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: The comic book store. ,"Howard: Okay, last question. The chaps he was wearing, assless?",Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I’m facing?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I’m facing?,"Raj: We can, but for the record, all chaps are assless.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Leonard: Over my assless chaps you will.,Howard: This isn’t complicated. Do you love Amy?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: Do you like living with her?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Do you know what you need to do now?,"Sheldon: Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: The stairwell. ,Amy: Hi.,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.,Amy: I understand. I’ll leave you be.,"Sheldon: What, you’re familiar with the reference?",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: What, you’re familiar with the reference?",Amy: Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death.,Sheldon: Exactly.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Exactly.,"Amy: Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Amy: You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Really?,"Amy: Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.","Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.",1
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.","Amy: Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? ‘Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.","Sheldon: Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,,Scene: Amy’s lab.,Sheldon: How much will it hurt?,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: How much will it hurt?,Amy: It’s just a tiny skin sample. You saw me do it to myself.,"Sheldon: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.",Amy: A two.,Sheldon: Eating a whole Altoid?,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Eating a whole Altoid?,"Amy: Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to.","Sheldon: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.",Amy: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.",Amy: Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells.,"Sheldon: All right, just warn me before you do it.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: All right, just warn me before you do it.","Amy: Okay. Three, two, and we’re done.",Sheldon: You tricked me. You didn’t say one.,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: You tricked me. You didn’t say one.,"Amy: It didn’t hurt, did it?","Sheldon: No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…","Amy: Okay, fine, one.",Sheldon: Thank you. Now yell charge and we can get out of here.,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Raj: Thank you. Good luck with your future endeavours.,Scene: Amy’s lab.,Sheldon: Did it work? Are they brain cells yet?,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Did it work? Are they brain cells yet?,"Amy: If you’d give me a minute, I’ll tell you.","Sheldon: Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.","Amy: Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network.","Sheldon: I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. ",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. ",Amy: These cells come from both of us.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?",Amy: No reason we can’t start right now.,"Sheldon: What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,expose it to images of me and you and see who it likes better.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is a rudimentary collection of neurons. I mean, it’s remarkable, but it’s still limited in what it can do.","Sheldon: I understand. She’s the mean one, I’m the fun one.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Bernadette: Still, I can’t believe you can turn ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells.","Amy: Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit.","Sheldon: Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.","Bernadette: Look at that, put them in a tiny Flash T-shirt and it’s you.","Sheldon: Aw. Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy’s lab.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Bernadette: Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now.","Amy: Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked.","Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.",Bernadette: Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl?,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.",Bernadette: You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.",Bernadette: Mine has a fully developed immune system.,Sheldon: Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.,"Amy: Sheldon, that’s enough.","Sheldon: Okay, fine. Let’s just agree that both creations are special in their own way and it is foolish to try and compare them. Although, we didn’t need to have sex with Howard for ours, so we win.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Raj: Okay. I’ll leave. But just know, every time I come in here, I’ll be thinking of you.",Scene: Amy’s lab.,"Sheldon: Would you look at that? The image we gave it was 45% white noise, and it still managed to reconstruct it.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Would you look at that? The image we gave it was 45% white noise, and it still managed to reconstruct it.",Amy: I’ve never seen results like this before.,"Sheldon: Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.",Amy: Aren’t you glad you participated in this?,"Sheldon: Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?",Amy: Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results.,"Sheldon: Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.",Amy: Make a baby? What are you talking about?,Sheldon: Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!,"Amy: Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.","Amy: Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up.",Sheldon: I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.,Amy: Not right now.,"Sheldon: Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.",Amy: I’m not playing anything. We’re not making a baby today.,"Sheldon: Very well. Oops, how clumsy of me. You know what? Let me get that. Hey. Where are you going? I, did you even look at my bottom?",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Penny: Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some.","Leonard: Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two.","Sheldon: Well, hello.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Well, hello.",Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: Would you care for a brandy?,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Would you care for a brandy?,Amy: I don’t think so.,"Sheldon: Good choice, it’s disgusting.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Good choice, it’s disgusting.","Amy: Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me.",Sheldon: Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.,Amy: I thought it smelled like a petting zoo in here.,Sheldon: Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.,1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.,"Amy: Okay, I’ve had enough.","Sheldon: Amy, come back. I don’t know how to open the oysters.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Leonard: I’m sorry, is that a yes?",Amy: No. ,"Sheldon: Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.",1
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.","Amy: For God’s sake, you’re ridiculous.","Sheldon: You guys are aroused, right?",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Howard: Damn, the MacArthur Genius Grant.",Raj: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.,Sheldon: Everything is stupid and I want to go home.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: That’s Sheldon’s way of saying he’s proud of Bert, too.",Howard: Ah.,"Sheldon: Hey, it’s not even called the Genius Grant, it’s the MacArthur Fellowship. Just like it’s not Frankenstein, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster. Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there. And if anyone’s a genius, it’s me for the way I brought that full circle.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: Wow.,"Howard: And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it.","Sheldon: Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Howard: Here he comes.,Leonard: Right. Be polite.,Sheldon: I know how to behave.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Howard: That’s amazing.,"Bert: Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool.","Sheldon: Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.","Bert: I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it. Well, see ya.","Sheldon: Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.","Leonard: I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I’ve ever heard.","Sheldon: Well, aren’t you a peach.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Who leaves their bike in the hallway? You know, if I knew how to ride one, I’d steal it.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Ignore him, he’s just cranky because Bert from the geology lab won a big grant.","Penny: Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio. You know, when they told him he won, he didn’t believe it, but then he did believe it. It was so funny.",Sheldon: Who listens to the radio any more?,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.,"Penny: You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets?","Sheldon: You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.","Amy: You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert’s research, you’d be less bitter about him winning.",Sheldon: You want me to read a geology paper?,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: It’s always fun watching him read someone else’s work.,Penny: It’s like scrolling through the emojis on my phone.,"Sheldon: Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why.",Amy: Sounds like the night we had coitus.,"Sheldon: I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.","Amy: Sheldon, it’s foolish to be angry that Bert’s work has merit.","Sheldon: Yeah, well I am angry. And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry. And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Penny: I, I knew the answer. I got excited.","Leonard: Hey, buddy, why don’t we go for a walk, so you can calm down.",Sheldon: That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.,"Leonard: Hey, I’m trying to help you.",Sheldon: Fine. You can walk ahead of me and scare off the pigeons.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Raj: I laughed because the guy was Leonard.,Scene: The park. ,"Sheldon: I admire you, Leonard.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I admire you, Leonard.","Leonard: Really, why?","Sheldon: You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.","Leonard: I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head.",Sheldon: How did you deal with it?,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: How did you deal with it?,"Leonard: I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix.","Sheldon: I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.","Leonard: Do it. Visualize it as your anger and, and toss it out of your life.",Sheldon: Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you’re at it.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: Let it fly.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…",Amy: What happened?,Sheldon: I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.","Amy: You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You’ve got love, you’re in good health, you’ve got a roof over your head.","Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: You’re up.,"Penny: This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off.","Sheldon: Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?","Penny: I do, your life is fine you big baby. ",Sheldon: Maybe you’re right.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Amy: Really?,"Leonard: If it helps, I’m questioning your life choices, too.","Sheldon: Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.",Penny: There you go.,Sheldon: And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Howard: All right, we’re done. It’s offensive.",Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Top of the afternoon, gentlemen.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Top of the afternoon, gentlemen.",Howard: You’re in a good mood.,"Sheldon: Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?","Raj: Well, I’m glad to see you moving forward.","Sheldon: Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: I think he might be learning on his own.,Raj: Then the robot uprising has begun.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.","Raj: He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him.","Sheldon: Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.","Bert: Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great.","Sheldon: Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.","Bert: You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year.",Sheldon: Really? I didn’t know that.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t know that.,"Bert: So I was thinking, you know, engineers don’t get a lot of respect. Is your friend Howard working on anything cool?","Sheldon: You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: I can’t believe you head-butted a water fountain.,"Sheldon: No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Bernadette: I can’t imagine you being violent.,"Leonard: It’s not hard. Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.",Sheldon: I’m so disappointed in myself. Jealousy is completely illogical.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Penny: I think I hate all of you nerds.,Scene: A corridor at the university.,Sheldon: Sorry I’m moving slowly.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: Sorry I’m moving slowly.,"Leonard: Oh, I don’t mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I’m walking with my grandma.","Sheldon: Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this.","Leonard: Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma.","Sheldon: I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. ",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. ",Bert: Come in.,"Sheldon: All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.",Bert: What happened to you?,"Sheldon: Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.","Bert: Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for.","Sheldon: I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.",Bert: Is it working?,"Sheldon: No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.","Bert: Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.","Sheldon: We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.","Bert: Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen?",Sheldon: You know what? This isn’t gonna work.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: You know what? This isn’t gonna work.,"Bert: Sheldon, wait. You know, you’ve got a lot to be happy about. You’re at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.","Sheldon: Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t?",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Scene: The apartment. ,Penny: I can’t believe you punched Bert.,"Sheldon: I didn’t punch him. He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop. I’m not even sure he knows I did it.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I’ve got someone here who might make you feel better.","Stephen Hawking (on skype): Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,Hawking: I understand you’re struggling with professional jealousy.,"Sheldon: Thanks, Leonard, now he’s not gonna think I’m cool.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Penny: Oh, wow, that doesn’t seem fair.",Hawking: It’s fine. I’ve been on The Simpsons.,Sheldon: How do you deal with the success of your colleagues?,1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Hawking: Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.",Amy: How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you’re brilliant?,"Sheldon: I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.",Hawking: I always thought a motorized toy of me would be cool.,"Sheldon: What a wonderful idea, how does this man not have a Nobel?",1
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Scene: The Ellen Show.,"Ellen: A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that’s true because laughing has made me the smartiest. Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they’re dumb.",Sheldon: Do people know about her? ‘Cause she’s delightful.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: If we’re going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?","Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.","Amy: Great, what’d you have in mind?",Sheldon: Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.,"Amy: Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.","Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.","Amy: Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.","Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.","Amy: Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody.",Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.,Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.,"Sheldon: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Amy: I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.,Scene: At the apartment door. ,"Sheldon: Look, it’s the same smile she has in the painting.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.","Penny: Oh, no, no, those hooks are gone.",Sheldon: What happened to them?,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Penny: I seem to be losing.,"Leonard: Yes, you do.","Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?",Penny: Why don’t you keep it?,"Sheldon: That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.","Penny: Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with.","Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?","Leonard: Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.","Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.","Leonard: Fine, take the plant.","Sheldon: Oh, we got a sword and a plant, our apartment’s really shaping up.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Howard: Yeah, let him do it.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Oh. Remember when we got this at Comic-Con?,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Leonard: Oh, yeah. The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock.",Mr Spock Cuckoo Clock: Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper.,Sheldon: It’s one of a kind.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: It’s one of a kind.,Penny: So if it breaks there’d be none of it?,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.",Leonard: So you think you should keep it?,Sheldon: I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.,"Leonard: Keep the clock, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Penny: Thank you.,Amy: Thank you?,"Sheldon: Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?","Leonard: Let me guess, you want it.","Sheldon: Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.","Leonard: You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don’t care.",Sheldon: Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Penny: Leonard.,"Leonard: Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.","Sheldon: For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?","Amy: Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things?","Sheldon: It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.",Leonard: You know what? There is one thing I would like.,"Sheldon: Yeah, take whatever you want.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Yeah, take whatever you want.",Leonard: I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment.,Sheldon: But you don’t even like flags.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: But you don’t even like flags.,"Leonard: Yeah, I like this one.",Sheldon: But I designed it.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: But I designed it.,Leonard: But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price.,Sheldon: But you don’t even understand its symbolism.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: But you don’t even understand its symbolism.,"Leonard: Oh, I do. The, the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I’m happy about it.","Sheldon: Come along, Amy. I know when I’m not wanted.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Penny: Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.","Leonard: Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.","Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too.","Sheldon: If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.","Leonard: All right, I tried.","Sheldon: All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.",Amy: I’ve got the Neosporin. Who got hurt?,Sheldon: It’s a good thing you’re cute.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Scene: The laundry room.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: What do you think you’re doing?,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: What do you think you’re doing?,Leonard: Separating my delicates.,Sheldon: This is the level you’re stooping to.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Strange old man: Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.","Leonard: Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here.","Sheldon: So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.","Leonard: Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing? ","Sheldon: My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.",Theodore: It’s like the ’40s again.,"Sheldon: Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.","Penny: All right, Sheldon, this is over the line.","Sheldon: That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.","Theodore: Oh, oh, I have a receipt from a blood bank. I’m O-negative.",Sheldon: And now you know as much about him as I do.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Theodore: I like the painting. Is that your mom?,"Leonard: Sheldon, get out here.",Sheldon: Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?,Leonard: We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me?,Sheldon: I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.,Leonard: Because you were being selfish.,Sheldon: Dividing our belongings is difficult.,1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Theodore: Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.","Amy: I think he might be right. Also, who is that?","Sheldon: I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Penny: We’re good, thank you.","Amy: So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay.","Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.","Leonard: Well, I’d like that, too. ","Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.",1
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.",Leonard: You promise?,"Sheldon: I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.,Amy: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: It’s midnight. Happy birthday.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: It’s midnight. Happy birthday.,"Amy: Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning.","Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.",Amy: I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this?,Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.,Amy: I love it. Thank you.,Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. ,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. ,Amy: Is that okay?,Sheldon: I didn’t put on my come-hither plaid PJ’s for nothing.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Leonard (off): Come on, we’re going to the hospital.","Amy: I guess, I guess we should stop.","Sheldon: Yeah. I’m afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The stairwell. ,"Penny: Sheldon, what took you so long?",Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Penny: Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.","Amy: Well, first deliveries can be slow.",Sheldon: I’m starting to rethink the Flash onesie I bought this kid.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Penny: Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?","Amy: Oh, uh, I don’t know. Sheldon, you don’t want to do that, do you?","Sheldon: It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s your birthday, you decide.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Leonard: Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.","Penny: Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular!","Sheldon: That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? ",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? ","Penny: I’m sorry, and what flavour is your bubble gum cigar?",Sheldon: Grape. I find it the most mild.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,"Amy: So, where were we?","Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.",Amy: I’m sorry.,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.","Amy: Well, shall we start over?",Sheldon: Very well.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Very well.,Amy: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.","Amy: Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush.","Sheldon: Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.",Amy: And the mood continues to change.,"Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.",Amy: Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.,Sheldon: Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?,Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…",Amy: It’s not about trains.,Sheldon: Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?,Amy: Stop talking about trains.,Sheldon: Who’s killing the mood now?,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Raj: You’re gonna have to be quieter than that.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Can I look yet?,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Can I look yet?,"Amy: One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter.",Sheldon: Wowza.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Wowza.,Amy: I got a Gryffindor robe for you.,"Sheldon: What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.",Amy: I did. Am I in trouble?,"Sheldon: Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.","Amy: Wait, what just happened?",Sheldon: You know I’ve been wanting to go.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: You know I’ve been wanting to go.,"Amy: Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday?","Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Leonard: Well, it is their child.","Raj: I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous.",Sheldon: Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours.,1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Raj: And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.","Amy: I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?","Sheldon: She’s right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I’m not going to ruin her birthday. I’ll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year. Boop.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Stuart: Hmm. You two got married.,Amy: Sheldon and I are living together.,"Sheldon: But if my mom asks, we have bunk beds.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Stuart: What’s your problem?,"Raj: Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile.","Sheldon: I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Stuart: Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.","Raj: Oh, yay, I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I’m every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store.","Sheldon: Raj, show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don’t say.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The waiting room. ,Leonard: I’ve come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.,"Sheldon: Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard. You know, I didn’t swallow it, but Amy said it counted.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The hospital nursery.,"Penny: Oh, look at all the babies.","Sheldon: Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It’s fun to think about.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The stairwell.,"Amy: Well, that was quite a day.","Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.",1
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.",Amy: I was afraid you’d be too tired.,"Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Penny (checking phone): Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.","Leonard: Well, he didn’t throw up on the baby. That’s a win.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Amy: Hi.,Penny: Hi. Welcome back. How was Texas?,"Sheldon: Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Amy: It was not a great trip.,"Penny: Well, you’re home now.","Sheldon: Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar?",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Did you at least have a good flight down there?,"Sheldon: It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Penny: So, what happened in Texas that was so bad? ","Leonard: And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.","Sheldon: Well, we were on our way to my mother’s house…",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Well, we were on our way to my mother’s house…",Flashback.,Sheldon: How did we get in the car?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback.,"Amy: So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together.",Sheldon: Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.,Amy: Maybe there won’t be one.,"Sheldon: There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.","Amy: Well, she likes me. You know, there’s a chance she might be okay with it.","Sheldon: Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Leonard: Who knows what he has down there.,Penny: Mm.,Sheldon: Anyway…,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback.,"Mary: Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.","Sheldon: Given that your hands prepared it, isn’t that a little self-serving?",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Amy: Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.","Mary: Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?",Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.,"Amy: They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.","Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.","Mary: Come on, Shelly, tell me your news.","Sheldon: All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.","Mary: Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.","Sheldon: What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.","Mary: Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you.",Sheldon: And what special circumstances are those?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback.,"Mary: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.","Sheldon: What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?",Mary: No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses.,"Sheldon: Well, this is highly insulting.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Well, this is highly insulting.","Amy: Sheldon, don’t overreact.","Sheldon: I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Back to apartment. ,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Well, I was in my room, I couldn’t hear what they were saying.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Mary: Oh, heck no.","Amy: Sheldon, what, what are you doing?",Sheldon: Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Mary: You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.","Amy: We’re ignoring the fins, okay.","Sheldon: Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Amy: I don’t think that’s what she’s saying.,Back to apartment.,Sheldon: And?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: And?,Amy: That’s exactly what she was saying.,Sheldon: Can you believe my mother thinks we’re both strange?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Leonard: Absolutely not.,"Amy: Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.","Sheldon: Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback. ,"Amy: You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone.","Sheldon: You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…",Amy: What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet?,"Sheldon: I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.","Amy: Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip.",Sheldon: I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.,Amy: She was gonna find out eventually.,"Sheldon: Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.","Amy: Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.",Sheldon: Why would you do that?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,"Amy: This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.",Sheldon: You managed the situation?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: You managed the situation?,Amy: That’s right. ,"Sheldon: So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.","Amy: Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you.",Sheldon: I have gotten much better at that.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: I have gotten much better at that.,Amy: Have you? How am I feeling right now?,Sheldon: What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. ,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. ,"Amy: You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.",Sheldon: How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?,Amy: Delighted that you showed any interest in my family at all?,"Sheldon: Delighted? What., not if I guessed for a hundred years.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Bernadette: Sorry we’re late.,"Penny: Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.",Sheldon: Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up.,Flashback.,Sheldon: How did we get in the car?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Penny: Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.","Leonard: On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school.",Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?,Penny: Okay. Then what happened?,"Sheldon: Well, there’s really not much left to tell. I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) My mother made me take it out. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) Amy put alcohol on it. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) And here we are.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Bernadette: It’s like I was excited for a present and got socks.,Stuart: I don’t understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.,Sheldon: I don’t understand what’s wrong with socks.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Back to apartment.,"Leonard: By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.","Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?",Bernadette: Sure.,"Sheldon: Hey, how’s life with your baby?",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Hey, how’s life with your baby?",Amy: Really? You’re never gonna touch their baby?,Sheldon: To this day I’ve never touched Stuart.,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Raj: Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk.",Back to apartment.,"Sheldon: Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: What? Is there another twist coming? Is the baby not theirs at all?,1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Howard: Shh, I don’t hate you. ",Back to apartment. ,"Sheldon: It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.","Bernadette: Thank you, Sheldon, I’m feeling better now.","Sheldon: Thank you, Internet. I’m telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.",1
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Raj: Be there bright and early.,"Howard: Not me, paternity leave.",Sheldon: Oh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife’s genitals and he gets time off.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear? ",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear? ",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.,Leonard: That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half.,"Sheldon: That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?",Leonard: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?,Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.,"Leonard: If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me.","Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.","Leonard: So, hang out with me and we’ll have boys’ night.","Sheldon: At our age, why don’t we call it man’s night?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Howard: Yeah, it left little holes in the floor, that’s why I bought the rug. ",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: If you do that, i’ll win in eight moves. I’ll win in five moves. I’ll win in one move.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?","Penny: Oh, it was fine.",Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?,"Penny: Uh, chips.",Sheldon: Anything to drink?,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Anything to drink?,Penny: Some wine.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m just playing tennis against the drapes here.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.,Leonard: What? Where is this coming from?,"Sheldon: Leonard, she might be drunk. All she had was chips.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Penny: Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.","Leonard: Fine, go ahead.","Sheldon: Amy is free. She had a harp lesson on Saturday but it got cancelled. Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense. ",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: Mm-hmm.,Amy: I’ll call you when we get to the hotel.,Sheldon: And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Thanks. Are you ready?,"Amy: Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.,"Leonard: Go ahead, it’s fine.",Sheldon: Bye.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Let’s go.,Amy: Bye.,Sheldon: Bye.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Bye.,Amy: I’ll miss you.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll miss you too.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll miss you too.",Amy: I’ll miss you more. ,"Sheldon: Well, if x equals the amount that you’ll miss me, then I’ll miss you x plus one.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: Thank you.,"Scene: The apartment, later. ","Sheldon: Here. You’re sad, so I made you tea.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Here. You’re sad, so I made you tea.",Leonard: Thanks.,Sheldon: And it’s just the way you like it.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: And it’s just the way you like it.,Leonard: Earl grey?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Honey?,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Unsweetened almond…,"Sheldon: Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.","Leonard: Sorry, thank you.","Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?",Leonard: I really don’t know.,"Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?","Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.","Leonard: Its not that I’d stopped trying, its just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.","Sheldon: Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like when I first encountered the Pythagorean theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. But now I’m just like, eh.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Raj: Material Girl needs ot be retired, that is your karaoke song. ",Scene: Leonards car.,Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?,Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?,"Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?",Leonard: I don’t want to wait two days for us to work this out.,"Sheldon: Very well. You got married spur of the moment, I don’t see why your divorce should be any different.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Penny: Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.","Leonard: Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort. ","Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.","Amy: Nice to see you, too.",Sheldon: And that’s how you make effort look effortless.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: I don’t understand what you want.,Penny: I’m trying to figure it out.,"Sheldon: You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. ",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. ","Amy: Sheldon, why don’t we give them some privacy?","Sheldon: Very well. Hey, later we’ll check out the minibar, I’ll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Howard: Bigger problems, I felt something pop. ",Scene: The spa.,Sheldon: There’s a cucumber in my water.,1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: There’s a cucumber in my water.,Amy: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody? ",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody? ",Amy: It’s there on purpose. It’s refreshing.,"Sheldon: Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh. ",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: Hey.,Penny: Hey.,"Sheldon: Oh good, you’re here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmas’s?",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. ,Leonard: What do you say?,"Sheldon: I get to write a contract? I say, let’s get this party of the first part started.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Amy: It’s in our agreement. I have to laugh.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Penny: Article 8, subsection B, Leonard will restrict videogaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.",Leonard: Does it really need to say that?,"Sheldon: I did this for free, let me get a little something.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: I think this all looks good.,"Leonard: Me, too.","Sheldon: Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.",1
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.",Amy: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.,Sheldon: Mm. You seem to be forgetting the no nostalgia clause.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Howard: I thought things were going well. What happened?,"Raj: I don’t know, she didn’t even give me a reason.","Sheldon: That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?",Raj: Can we not play this game?,Sheldon: Doesn’t like games. That’s one.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup.","Raj: That’s okay, I’m fine.","Sheldon: Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.","Raj: I’m not a virgin, Sheldon.","Sheldon: So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.",Leonard: You’re not being very nice.,Sheldon: What? He said he was fine.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: What? He said he was fine.,Howard: Sometimes people say things they don’t mean.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.","Penny: Hey, boys. How’s it going?","Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.","Bernadette: So, normal.",Sheldon: Yeah.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Yeah.,"Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?","Sheldon: We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.","Raj: It’s okay, I’m fine.","Sheldon: Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.","Raj: Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more.",Sheldon: Then why didn’t you say that?,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Then why didn’t you say that?,Howard: Because that’s not what people do.,"Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.","Penny: No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough.","Sheldon: Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.",Amy: I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: And also a little sad.,"Sheldon: Okay, now you’re just showing off.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Howard: You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.",Amy: What do you think?,Sheldon: A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.,Bernadette: Wouldn’t that be nice.,"Sheldon: It could also help me identify my enemies, discover their fears and then I could use those fears to destroy them.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Raj: Now that Sheldon’s across the hall, have you decided what you’re doing with his old room?",Leonard: I was thinking maybe a library or a gaming room.,Sheldon: You could make it a train room.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: You could make it a train room.,Leonard: I don’t like trains. You like trains.,"Sheldon: I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.","Howard: Sheldon, I just heard from the guys at MIT about that emotion reader. They’re sending a prototype for you to beta test.",Sheldon: Wonderful. Although I’m not sure how I feel about being used as a guinea pig.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: No, Raj, that’s a terrible idea.","Howard: Yeah, I was joking.","Sheldon: Really? Uh, little tip: jokes are often better when you end them with wocka wocka or ha-cha-cha.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Howard: This thing’s pretty cool. It interprets emotions using a wireless signal to analyse subtle changes in breathing and heart rate.,Amy: It’s amazing a machine can do that.,"Sheldon: Yes. Now, when the robots rise up, they’ll know that I’ve been rooting for them the whole time.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Howard: Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?","Amy: Okay, I’m looking at the first picture.",Sheldon: You are happy?,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: You are happy?,Amy: Yes. I’m looking at puppi,"Sheldon: Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right. ",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Howard: Try another one.,Amy: Okay. What does it say I’m feeling?,Sheldon: Sad.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Sad.,Amy: Yes. I’m looking at a picture of my grandma.,"Sheldon: Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: And you’re worried that turkey neck is in your future. What, now, see, now it says you’re mad. Make up your mind.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: Yeah, sure. He really worked with the Drug Enforcement Agency?","Penny: He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah.","Sheldon: Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.",Leonard: How’s it working out?,Sheldon: Surprisingly well.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Surprisingly well.,"Leonard: That’s great, I’m happy for you.","Sheldon: No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet?",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Amy: What’s that? Are you working on your resume?,"Penny: No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here.","Sheldon: Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.","Leonard: No, it doesn’t.","Sheldon: What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Penny: What? Are you really upset about Randall coming?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Yes.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: I said no.,Sheldon: It’s like you’re twins.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Leonard: Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.,Penny: He’s my brother. I didn’t think I needed your permission.,"Sheldon: Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Penny: Like you talked to me about your gaming room?,Leonard: Our gaming room. I was gonna put a scented candle in it.,Sheldon: He’s still mad.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: He’s still mad.,Amy: Stop enjoying their fight.,Sheldon: You first.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Leonard: Did it have a metal toilet next to the bed?,"Penny: It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon?","Sheldon: Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Penny: You gave me a bill at the end of every month. ,Leonard: Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight.,Sheldon: You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go.",Sheldon: Gladly. Can we storm out?,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Gladly. Can we storm out?,Amy: I think it loses its impact if we’re chatting about it.,Sheldon: Fine. I’ll just give them the finger.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Sheldon, dinner’s ready. I made beef loaf, because I know you’re uncomfortable with the non-specificity of meat loaf. Sheldon? Hey, are you okay?",Sheldon: Not really.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Not really.,Amy: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.",Amy: I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings.,"Sheldon: It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.","Amy: Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge.","Sheldon: I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.","Amy: Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell.","Sheldon: Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.","Amy: No, see, right there, you knew you hurt my feelings. And I’m proud of you, for reasons I’m sure have something to do with my father. And if you don’t like that machine, get rid of it. Because I love you exactly the way you are.","Sheldon: I feel the same way about you. Now, put your glasses back on. You look weird.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Howard: Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s door. ,Sheldon: Yes?,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Yes?,Leonard: We owe you an apology.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.",Leonard: That was six years ago. I’m talking about tonight.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I thought we were going in order.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Penny: Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.","Leonard: And, sorry about the suitcase.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, you should be. Your socks were still in it. I had to throw it away. Anyway, I, uh, trust that you’ve resolved your conflict.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Leonard: So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?,"Penny: Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.","Sheldon: Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.",Leonard: That’s because we are.,Sheldon: Yes. I don’t need an emotion machine. I am one.,1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?","Sheldon: I did. You know, I’m not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Penny: So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.",Leonard: We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.,"Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?",1
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?","Bernadette: Let’s see. You’re better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don’t have to be us.",Sheldon: Keep filling this one with babies. She’s good.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.",Howard: Those are just the things I say out loud.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.",Howard: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.",Howard: Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller. ,"Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.",Leonard: Can we please stop talking about poodles?,"Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.","Howard: Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home.",Sheldon: I don’t want to go home.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: I don’t want to go home.,"Leonard: Fine, go for a little walk.",Sheldon: Then what?,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Howard: We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.","Leonard: You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point.","Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.","Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present.",Sheldon: Really?,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: Really?,"Leonard: Yeah. Go ahead, open it.","Sheldon: Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at The Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn’t happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Hey, you’re home early.","Sheldon: You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.",Amy: Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do?,Sheldon: No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.,"Amy: Well, I’m really happy for you.","Sheldon: Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.",Amy: I give up.,Sheldon: You.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: You.,Amy: No. I really give up.,"Sheldon: Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.",Amy: Can I pee now?,"Sheldon: Oh, get this. I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual. I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh. There’s forward, uh, reverse, set the brakes. Are you done yet? You’re missing",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that?","Howard: I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run.","Sheldon: Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?",Howard: How’d you even get that up the stairs?,"Sheldon: I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.","Leonard: Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you.","Sheldon: Interesting. Well, so I was right.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Interesting. Well, so I was right.",Howard: Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here.,"Sheldon: Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.","Leonard: Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out.",Sheldon: Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Howard: He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.,"Leonard: Come on, you know you’re not leaving physics. Why are you doing this?","Sheldon: Leonard, in the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked, then it clacked, click-clack clickety-clack, and here we are. Whoo-whoo.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Howard: That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard.,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.",Leonard: Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are?,"Sheldon: No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.",Howard: It’s a manifold.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.",Leonard: Just look at the board.,Sheldon: That’s wrong.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: That’s wrong.,"Leonard: Oh, no, what should we have done differently?","Sheldon: Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.",Howard: Told ya. Can you fix it for us?,"Sheldon: Okay, but this is the last time. Nice try, blockheads.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.","Howard: And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store.",Sheldon: Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.,"Leonard: So, what do you say?","Sheldon: Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.",Howard: That’s a turbo.,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.",1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.",Scene: The cab of a steam locomotive. ,Sheldon: I apologize that it’s so warm in here.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: I apologize that it’s so warm in here.,Amy: It is warm in here.,Sheldon: I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat.,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat.,"Amy: Me, too.",Sheldon: May I borrow your water?,1
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon (voice): The light’s green.,Amy (now in her car): Sorry.,Sheldon: GPS says we’ll be at the railway in three hours.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Howard: Go. Come on, Raj.",Leonard: You can do this.,Sheldon: There’s no way.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Aw, look at you watching sports.",Howard: We’re betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disk can spin.,"Sheldon: Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.","Amy: Hey, Sheldon, I found a great restaurant for date night.",Sheldon: Kind of busy right now.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Amy: Oh. Immature.,Leonard: How ya doing?,Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.,"Howard: Yes, he is.","Sheldon: You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?","Howard: Ha, you’re interested. You’re out ten bucks.",Sheldon: It’s slowing down.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: It’s slowing down.,"Leonard: Dig deep, like when we bet you couldn’t fit into Howard’s pants.",Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Scene: A restaurant. ,Amy: The food here’s supposed to be great. Don’t fill up on chips.,"Sheldon: Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.","Amy: Oh, look. It’s Bert, at the bar. We should go say hi.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Why?,Amy: Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.,Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.,"Amy: Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom.","Sheldon: If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.","Amy: Hi, Bert.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Amy: That’s a real thing?,Bert: Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind.,"Sheldon: Well, have a lovely evening.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, have a lovely evening.","Bert: Thanks. You, too.","Sheldon: If you think that’s more fun than talking to Zachary Quinto through a stall door, you’re crazy.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Yeah. Shoes, I’m a seven-and-a-half, boots, I’m an eight.",Scene: The restaurant.,"Sheldon: MSN Search, AltaVista, and Ask Jeeves. You?",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Bert: Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.",Amy: I’m so sorry.,"Sheldon: Bert, I insist that you join us.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Bert, I insist that you join us.",Bert: You really wouldn’t mind?,Sheldon: Not at all. Amy?,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Bert: Thanks. I’ll go grab a chair.,"Amy: Sheldon, that was so sweet of you.","Sheldon: Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.",Amy: So the part where he got stood up didn’t clue you in?,Sheldon: You want me to look at him and listen to him?,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Amy: Okay, literally any other topic.",Bert: All right. How did you guys meet?,"Sheldon: Actually, we met online.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Actually, we met online.",Amy: Our-our first date was at a coffee shop.,"Sheldon: Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Bert: Uh, yeah, everyone at the university does.",Amy: Were you aware of this?,"Sheldon: No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.",Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: Why aren’t you talking to me?,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Why aren’t you talking to me?,Amy: Because I’m mad at you.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked.","Amy: Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life.",Sheldon: What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.,Amy: That’s why they’re doing it.,"Sheldon: Is it safe to assume you’re not speaking to me again? If you’re not answering because you’re not speaking to me, perhaps we could come up with a signal. That works.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: I’m going to bed.,"Sheldon: Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.",Amy: So?,"Sheldon: I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.",Amy: I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not.,Sheldon: This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.,"Amy: That’s different. She’s a close friend, not the lady in the cafeteria who cuts the crust off your sandwiches.","Sheldon: That lady has a name. I don’t know what it is, but one time I accidentally called her mom.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Leonard: Yeah.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",Amy: Yeah?,"Sheldon: Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it.",Amy: What is this?,"Sheldon: I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.",Amy: Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking?,"Sheldon: No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.","Amy: Well, I do appreciate you working on this.","Sheldon: I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.",Amy: What’s that little dot in the middle?,Sheldon: That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.,Amy: Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me?,Sheldon: Of course. ,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Of course. ,Amy: Can I hear one?,"Sheldon: No, they’re private.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: No, they’re private.",Amy: Why? Are they naughty?,Sheldon: A little.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: A little.,Amy: Please?,Sheldon: Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.,Amy: What? Why didn’t you say anything?,Sheldon: I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.,1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.,"Amy: So when I got up at 4am. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn’t have to?","Sheldon: No, you didn’t. But keep in mind, I felt extremely important.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Howard: Oh. How’s the dog gonna go to the bathroom?,"Raj: Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem.","Sheldon: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.",Bert: He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this.,"Sheldon: Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.",Bert: That doesn’t paint me in the best light.,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?",Bert: Not really.,"Sheldon: All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.",Leonard: What brought that on?,"Sheldon: Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.",1
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.",Howard: That’s understandable.,"Sheldon: Oh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but it turns out, no, she was genuinely mortified.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Following a “previously on” sequence:,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Uh-huh. Interesting. Okay.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Uh-huh. Interesting. Okay.,Raj: How bad is it?,"Sheldon: Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?",Raj: Are you serious?,Sheldon: I’m not wearing this visor to play women’s golf.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.,"Penny: Well, he has a job. How bad can it be?","Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.","Penny: Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look.",Sheldon: He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Howard: I thought your dad paid your cards.,Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.,Sheldon: What emergency happened at the L.A. Zoo?,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.,Raj: Like a business manager?,"Sheldon: No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.",Howard: What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?,Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.,"Leonard: We don’t know, his mother never had him tested.",Sheldon: You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?","Raj: Okay, Sheldon. Yeah, I’m putting you in charge of my finances. I will not spend another penny that you don’t authorize.","Sheldon: Very well. Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday. You can’t buy one.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Howard: You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic-Con?,"Leonard: No. Which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon’s job.",Sheldon: She’s gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: She’s gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.,Howard: And hate all the crowds at the panels.,Sheldon: She’s gonna hate the panels.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: That I would do to her.,"Raj: I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not.","Sheldon: You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Stuart: Panels. Just wanted to be included.,"Raj; Come on, Sheldon, it’s Comic-Con. Just let me have the money for this, and I won’t ask for anything else.","Sheldon: You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: See? Miserable.,"Raj: Okay, you’re right, I got myself into this, but I’ve never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.","Sheldon: Your father may have spoiled you, but I won’t. If you want a ticket to Comic-Con, I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Raj: Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?","Leonard: Hang, hang on. So I have to bring Penny, you can’t afford it, Howard’s gonna get in trouble, and this guy gets to have a great time.",Sheldon: I’m gonna go as Dumbledore.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Scene: The comic book store.,"Leonard: I even said off the chain mail, and she still wants to go.",Sheldon: That’s probably my fault. She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,Leonard: Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con.,"Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either.",Leonard: Is that nice?,"Sheldon: No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.","Leonard: Uh, it’s more complicated than that.","Sheldon: I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.",Leonard: Do you think she’s as honest with you?,"Sheldon: I should hope so. When she called me an insensitive jerk, I’d like to think she meant it.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: Penny says they’re ready to go.,Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.,"Amy: Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying.","Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?","Amy: Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about?",Sheldon: He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.,Amy: Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy.,"Sheldon: So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.","Amy: No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Why?,Amy: Because it’s between them. ,"Sheldon: Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Penny: Hey.,Amy: Hi. ,Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.",Leonard: I don’t have a problem with your driving.,Sheldon: Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: Why would I be upset?,Amy: Because you don’t want her to go to Comic-Con.,Sheldon: This is an interesting way to stay out of it.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: Wait, you don’t want me to go?","Leonard: Well, I just don’t think you’re gonna have a good time.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, get this, neither does Penny, that’s why she doesn’t want to go. You set ’em up, I knock ’em down, good job.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Leonard: All right, problem solved.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Not entirely, the fight over who’s going to drive is still…",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.","Raj: Thank you, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to Comic-Con this year.","Sheldon: Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year either.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Stuart: I would.,Bernadette: Keep it. Consider it a gift.,Sheldon: Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?,Bernadette: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Amy: So you’re not going to Comic-Con?,"Raj: I’ve been plenty of times. If I miss one, it’s fine. I’m a big boy.","Sheldon: I’m a big boy, and if I missed one, I’d throw a big-boy tantrum.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Howard: I’m gonna go check on dinner.,Amy: Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say?,"Sheldon: Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.",Amy: By yourself?,Sheldon: Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.,Stuart: I’ll go with you.,"Sheldon: That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.",1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: There’s my pretty girlfriend.,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: There’s my pretty girlfriend.,Amy: I’m not going with you to Comic-Con.,Sheldon: What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?,1
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?,"Amy: He can, but it’s still not changing my mind.","Sheldon: Well, maybe what’s in my pants will change your mind. It’s a list of this year’s panelists. It’s long, isn’t it?",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Bernadette: Oh, we’re smarter than that.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: I know our apartment’s small, but I think we can make room.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,"Amy: For the last time, no Hulk, no Batman, no life-size statues.",Sheldon: Wow. I’m starting to think you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to spruce up the place.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Leonard: Hey.,Amy: Hi.,"Sheldon: Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.",Penny: What’s it for?,Sheldon: Roofing.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Roofing.,"Penny: Yeah, it’s yours.","Sheldon: Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.","Leonard: Yeah, for a little while.",Sheldon: What about his dog?,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: What about his dog?,"Penny: She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal.",Sheldon: I suppose that’s acceptable.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I suppose that’s acceptable.,"Amy: Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.","Sheldon: If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.",Leonard: And I think it’s nice that you’re taking whatever medication Amy’s clearly giving you.,Sheldon: And what is that supposed to mean?,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Leonard: Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter.,Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Sheldon: If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Leonard: Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it.,Amy: Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right.,"Sheldon: I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.","Amy: But you are, aren’t you?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m outraged. ",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m outraged. ",Amy: Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. ",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. ","Amy: There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room.",Sheldon: Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.,Amy: And there is the love of which I speak.,"Sheldon: I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.","Amy: Well, this isn’t an easy time for him. He’s losing his apartment, he’s in debt, he’s probably humiliated.","Sheldon: Yes, probably. But until we know for sure, how can I feel better?",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: You ready to go?,Sheldon: All set.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: All set.,Amy: What’s that?,Sheldon: A housewarming gift for Raj.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: A housewarming gift for Raj.,"Amy: Well, a bunch of fake snakes better not spring out of it, ’cause that was a lousy anniversary present.","Sheldon: It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Penny: Hi.,Leonard: Perfect timing. Food’s ready.,"Sheldon: Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Amy: No. I already asked.,"Raj: Thank you, Sheldon. It’s a blank notebook. ","Sheldon: Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Howard: He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.,Raj: This means a lot.,"Sheldon: Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.",Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.",Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.","Raj: You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk.",Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?,Everyone: Yes.,Sheldon: I thought that was gonna break the other way.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I thought that was gonna break the other way.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Maybe we should just eat at our place.",Sheldon: Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.,Raj: What do I have to be happy about? My life’s a wreck.,Sheldon: How come he can say it and I can’t?,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Beverley (on skype): Hello, Sheldon. What a pleasant surprise. How are you?","Sheldon: Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.","Beverley: Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on?","Sheldon: Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.","Beverley: Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents?","Sheldon: Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?","Beverley: Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes?",Sheldon: I have.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I have.,"Beverley: Clearly, your old room represents an escape hatch, and without it, you’re forced to confront the terrifying reality of being trapped in a relationship with Amy forever.",Sheldon: I hadn’t thought about that.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Amy: This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.,Beverley: Interesting. They’ve found a need to take yet another room mate. Seems they’re avoiding some harsh realities themselves.,"Sheldon: I had no idea all our relationships were such a disaster. Boy, you’re good.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Penny: Do you actually pay for that haircut?,Raj: That’ll do it.,"Sheldon: Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?","Raj: Sheldon, she’s fine.","Sheldon: Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.",Raj: Thank you. I appreciate that.,"Sheldon: No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.","Leonard: I don’t know who you talked to, but that wasn’t my mother.","Sheldon: Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.",Penny: What are you talking about? We’re fine.,"Sheldon: Yes, you’re fine as long as you have a buffer living with you to distract from your marital problems. It used to be me. Now it’s Raj and his attack Tribble. Anyway, I’m sorry for everything. Oh, and FYI, if you cry while they’re fighting, they’ll take you to McDonald’s.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: You okay?,Sheldon: I can’t sleep.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I can’t sleep.,Amy: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.,Amy: Is that bothering you?,Sheldon: Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. ,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. ,"Amy: I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain.",Sheldon: What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?,Amy: I don’t know. I just think you’re the kind of person who likes a contingency plan.,Sheldon: That is true. Did you know I figured out in which order I would eat all my friends in the event of an apocalypse?,1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Stuart: Better than I feel in their steam shower? I don’t think so.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: Penny would be the entree. Then Leonard’s basically a cheese course. And because I love you, you’re dessert.",1
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Stuart: Hey, that’s no way to talk about your baby.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: You know what? I’m proud of us. Yeah, with Penny and Leonard taking in Raj, and Stuart living with Howard and Bernadette, we’re the only couple of our social group who doesn’t need to fill the holes in their relationship with a third party.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: Things have been going really well with the infinite resistance gyroscope.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Things have been going really well with the infinite resistance gyroscope.,Amy: That’s great. How so?,"Sheldon: Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.",Amy: Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on?,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.",Amy: I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it.,Sheldon: So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.,"Amy: Yes, I’m trying to figure out to the nanometer and the attosecond, precisely where and when an event of awareness takes place.","Sheldon: Well, what do you know? Here I was, waiting to be bored with biology, and instead you tickle my intellectual fancy. Which, unlike my body, is an okay place to tickle.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Amy: You know, when I was six, I wanted to marry the gorilla from Good Night, Gorilla. Maybe I was onto something.",Scene: The cafeteria. ,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.","Howard: Unless it was singing Be Our Guest, I doubt it.","Sheldon: Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up?",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Raj: The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.",Leonard: He does raise an interesting point.,"Sheldon: Amy is studying the time lag between intent and awareness, and I realized that applies to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics. Now, I recognize there will be a time lag between me saying that and you Googling what it means, so I’ll wait.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Howard: I’m sorry, I spaced. Are we still talking about the spoon?",Raj: It’s nice to see you taking an interest in Amy’s work.,"Sheldon: Well, don’t get me wrong. Neurobiology’s nothing more than the science of gray squishy stuff. But, you know, when it connects to physics, gas up the Ford, Martha, we’re going for a drive.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: You know, I like harp lessons, but I’m thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. What are you working on?","Sheldon: I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.","Amy: Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?",Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is really interesting.","Sheldon: Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.","Amy: You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship?",Sheldon: That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.,"Amy: Well, that would make me feel better.","Sheldon: All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.",Amy: That’s a ridiculous rule.,Sheldon: Is it?,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Montage of shopping scenes. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: I believe I’ve made some progress on our ground rules.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: I believe I’ve made some progress on our ground rules.,"Amy: Oh, good. What are they?","Sheldon: Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish,",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"my name goes first. Oh, subsequently, if we win any awards, I speak first. I don’t want to be talking when the orchestra plays us off.",Amy: Can I see that?,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.","Amy: Sheldon, if we’re gonna have ground rules, I’ll tell you the first ground rule. I make the ground rules.","Sheldon: I’d write that down, but I can’t now, can I?",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Howard: Well, at least someone had the courage to say it.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s door. ,"Sheldon: Thank you, you are a good citizen. Told you. Go ahead, throw my underwear out the window. Same thing’s gonna happen.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Thank you, you are a good citizen. Told you. Go ahead, throw my underwear out the window. Same thing’s gonna happen.",Amy: Terrific. Do you want to hear our new set of ground rules?,Sheldon: Fire away.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Fire away.,"Amy: Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition.","Sheldon: That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.","Amy: Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid.","Sheldon: Aw, someone drew a penis in it.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Aw, someone drew a penis in it.",Amy: Are you listening?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, go ahead.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, go ahead.","Amy: Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat.","Sheldon: Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.","Amy: Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work?","Sheldon: Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Montage of Sheldon and Amy working together. ,Amy: Wow. Look at that.,"Sheldon: Yes, this is remarkable.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yes, this is remarkable.","Amy: So we’re agreed, it’s complete garbage.","Sheldon: By the way, your name can go first.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: I don’t know where we went wrong.,"Sheldon: Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.","Amy: Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it.",Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.,"Amy: I can hear your face talking, so we’re even.","Sheldon: All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.","Amy: Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better?","Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.","Amy: You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea.","Sheldon: Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.",Amy: That would mean that this delayed parameter should be increased 250 milliseconds.,"Sheldon: Oh, that is much better. Yeah, boy, if good ideas came out of your brain the way mucus comes out of your nose, we’d be in good shape.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn’t say anything ’cause you’re so sensitive.","Sheldon: Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.","Amy: Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.",Sheldon: That is a daring and insightful solution. ,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: That is a daring and insightful solution. ,Amy: We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.,Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?,Amy: I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.,"Sheldon: Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.","Amy: How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero.","Sheldon: It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.",Amy: There’s only one clear choice.,Sheldon: Science it is.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Science it is.,"Amy: No, you bonehead.","Sheldon: Name calling, that is perfect. Now, when I get to this equation here, really let me have it. You know? If it helps, I’m not the sharpest dresser.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Leonard: I don’t know, you pretty much covered it.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Can you read them back?,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Can you read them back?,"Amy: Revised ground rule number one, we are on the same team, but it is a competition.","Sheldon: Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.",1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.","Amy: Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face.",Sheldon: I love that one.,1
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: I love that one.,"Amy: Thanks, babe. Number three, fair topics for insult include educational pedigree, scientific field, intellectual prowess, and mamas.","Sheldon: Yeah, that list is strong. Like your mother’s urge to be promiscuous with sailors.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?","Raj: Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to.",Sheldon: Hello.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow?,Sheldon: Because I am.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Amy: But you said you were working with me.,Penny: Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom.,"Sheldon: I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.","Leonard: I’m sorry, what is this plan you have?","Sheldon: Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.",Leonard: When does that start?,"Sheldon: Soon. See, I could’ve said in the near future, but I didn’t say in the near future, because in the near future is three more words than soon. In, one, the, two, near, three, future, four. See, in the near future is four, soon is just one, four is more than one, saving time already.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Raj: Genius. I was gonna say, why does anyone think Sheldon’s a genius? But I didn’t.",Scene: The guys laboratory.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I’ve got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I’ve got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work?","Howard: Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal?","Sheldon: These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Leonard: It’s getting harder to pretend.,"Howard: Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter.",Sheldon: Run down the pros and cons of each for me.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Run down the pros and cons of each for me.,"Howard: Well, if we run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler, it’ll be cooled immediately before it reacts with the conduction.","Sheldon: Oh, sorry, uh, carrot chunk.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Howard: You can just feel the time being saved.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory,"Sheldon: Ah, I’m back, you got me for eight minutes.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Ah, I’m back, you got me for eight minutes.","Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. You can’t expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.","Sheldon: The coefficient isn’t lambda, it’s lambda sub one. And over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,–,Leonard: Seven.,Sheldon: It’s five and a half.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: It’s five and a half.,"Howard: Son of a bitch, it’s five and a half.",Sheldon: BRB. That’s short for be right back. I’m saving so much time.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: BRB. That’s short for be right back. I’m saving so much time.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory. ,Sheldon: The two signals meet up in the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: The two signals meet up in the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.,"Amy: Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong.","Sheldon: You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: The guys laboratory. ,"Leonard: I got to admit, we didn’t think you’d be able to do two things at once.","Sheldon: Yeah, I felt the same way about the platypus. You know, bird and mammal in the same creature? No way. And spoiler, way.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: The laundry room. ,"Penny: Hey, since when do you do laundry on a Thursday?","Sheldon: Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say",God bless you.,"Sheldon: Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?","Penny: Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day.","Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.",Penny: Are you getting sick?,Sheldon: Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.,"Penny: Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard.",Sheldon: I’m fine.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Penny: All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen.",Sheldon: That didn’t happen.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: That didn’t happen.,Penny: You also got a nosebleed watching Up.,Sheldon: Just do your laundry.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Sheldon, you’re sick, go back to bed.","Sheldon: I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry.","Amy: It’s okay, now I don’t need butter.","Sheldon: Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.",Amy: You need sleep.,Sheldon: What I need is to get to work.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: What I need is to get to work.,"Amy: Well, I don’t want your germs around me.","Sheldon: What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Amy: Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: What’s going on? How’d I get here?,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: What’s going on? How’d I get here?,"Leonard: I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you.",Sheldon: Home from work? What time is it?,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Home from work? What time is it?,Penny: It’s nine o’clock. ,Sheldon: Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?,"Raj: Wait, you don’t remember?","Sheldon: Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.",Leonard: You did seem a little loopy when you showed up at the lab.,"Sheldon: At, at the lab? Why am I naked from the waist down?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Raj: I don’t know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: My pants are missing, I don’t remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: My pants are missing, I don’t remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?","Penny: I don’t know, check your body for tattoos?","Sheldon: Leonard, would you be a lamb?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Leonard, would you be a lamb?",Leonard: She’s kidding.,"Sheldon: Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.",Raj: It’s right here.,"Sheldon: Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. ",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. ","Penny: Okay, it’s just a notebook, what’s the big deal?",Sheldon: What’s the big deal? It’s full of classified information about the air force project.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: Well, people who are abducted by aliens lose time. I mean, maybe it happens to the aliens, too.","Leonard: Well, it’s not across the hall.",Sheldon: That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Leonard: But, boy, it is funny to think about.",Amy: You really can’t remember anything?,Sheldon: I’m trying.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: I’m trying.,"Raj: Wait a minute. Hey, let me see your phone.",Sheldon: Why?,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: I don’t even run there, I drive.","Raj: Hang on, I can see every place you went.",Sheldon: What does it say?,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: What does it say?,"Raj: Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard.",Sheldon: Where?,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Where?,"Raj: Wait, hang on. Did you go to a cowboy bar?","Sheldon: I, no, that is preposterous. Maybe.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: A cowboy bar. ,Raj: Does this place look familiar?,Sheldon: It’s hard to say.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Barman: Hey, Sheldon’s back.",Bar patrons: Sheldon!,Sheldon: It’s getting clearer.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: It’s getting clearer.,Barman: You gonna buy another round for the house?,"Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.",Leonard: Ask him.,"Sheldon: Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?",Raj: These here parts?,"Sheldon: It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.",Barman: Here you go.,"Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness.",1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Barman: Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret.",Flashback,Sheldon: I swear.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: I swear.,Everyone: I swear: ,Sheldon: Not to tell anyone.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Not to tell anyone.,Everyone: Not to tell anyone.,Sheldon: The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Everyone: The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.,End of flashback,Sheldon: We really need to skedaddle. Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Barman: See you. Should probably erase this.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Thank you for making me tea.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Thank you for making me tea.,Amy: You’re welcome. How is it?,Sheldon: Yummy. And warm on my back.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Yummy. And warm on my back.,Amy: Do you need anything else?,Sheldon: You know exactly what I need.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: You know exactly what I need.,"Amy: Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.",Sheldon: That’s nice. Now in German.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: That’s nice. Now in German.,"Amy: Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt.",Sheldon: Great. Now Mandarin.,1
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Great. Now Mandarin.,Amy: Sings in Mandarin. *,Sheldon: Now Navajo.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: All right, we’re about to go live, everyone on their A-game, good energy. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: All right, we’re about to go live, everyone on their A-game, good energy. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Sheldon: And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we’re calling…",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj (singing): That’s equally effective.,"Together (singing): It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags.","Sheldon: Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.","Amy: Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began. ","Sheldon: So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.",Amy: Could have played that on my harp.,Sheldon: Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.,Leonard: I honestly don’t remember.,"Sheldon: Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…","Penny: Oh, wait. I remember.","Sheldon: Oh, and do you remember what you said?",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Oh, and do you remember what you said?",Penny: Yes. Please find someone who cares.,Sheldon: And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. ,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. ,Amy: Almost 200. Many of them on purpose.,"Sheldon: And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments. ",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.","Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It’s Bert.","Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?,Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.,"Sheldon: Bert, you’re tying up the line. My apologies to all of you trying to call in with legitimate flag comments.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Stuart: You leave her with me, and I’m not any of those things.",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: Where’s Howard?,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Where’s Howard?,Raj: He took the day off.,"Sheldon: Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj: Yeah.,"Bert: Hey, guys.","Sheldon: Oh, hello.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.",Leonard: Hey. Want to join us?,"Sheldon: Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Raj: Oh, quick, sit.","Leonard: So, Sheldon says you have a new girlfriend.","Sheldon: Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Raj: Well, I’m very happy for you.","Leonard: Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us?",Sheldon: Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. ,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. ,Bert: What do you want to know?,Sheldon: Is she a geologist?,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Is she a geologist?,Bert: No. ,"Sheldon: Oh great, see you at seven. ",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Rebecca: Hi.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: She’s younger and far more attractive than he is. They’re copying you two.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Penny: So is this your first time dating a scientist? ‘Cause I’m thinking of starting a support group.,"Rebecca: Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.","Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.",Rebecca: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.,Sheldon: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.,Amy: It wasn’t a time-out. Let’s get some food.,Sheldon: You made me sit on the stairs and think about what I did.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj: That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.,"Bert: I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile.","Sheldon: What’d you do, delete your photo?",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: What’d you do, delete your photo?",Amy: Go.,Sheldon: Fine.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Fine.,Amy: And don’t you slam that door.,"Sheldon: Aw, man.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Leonard: So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?","Rebecca: I came to Los Angeles to be an actress, and things didn’t really work out.","Sheldon: I’d say she’s copying you again, but I’m getting tired of sitting in the hall.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?","Bert: She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.",Sheldon: Your first date? Did you even measure her walls?,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Bernadette: She’s not gonna see us all day, and she doesn’t even care.",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: Who’s ready to laugh?,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Who’s ready to laugh?,Leonard: O-o-o-o-oh.,"Sheldon: Okay. So, Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, it appears",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj: I think it shows a lot of character.,Bert: I’m gonna hold out and see if I can find a hot young blonde who likes me for me.,"Sheldon: That’s a good one. Okay, now, Leonard, you tell a joke.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: What are you looking at?,"Sheldon: Comments from our Behind the Flags retrospective. Get this, people are calling it the longest one yet.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: Oh. You know, good for you.","Bert: No, I miss her. I don’t know why I listened to you.",Sheldon: He’s not wrong. It was your crackpot idea that he deserves love.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Raj: No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.","Penny: Look, sweetie, relationships aren’t about money, okay? It’s about respect and having things in common and… yes, Sheldon?",Sheldon: You and Leonard don’t have anything in common. Maybe you should break up.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Bert: Sorry again for barging in.,Leonard: You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us.,"Sheldon: Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Bert: You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.",Raj: I feel bad for Bert.,Sheldon: So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Penny: All that and he’s shorter than me.,"Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?","Sheldon: Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Bernadette: Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.,1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.,Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Sheldon: Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together. ",1
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: So welcome to tonight’s episode, ",Together: Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags: A Retrospective Retrospective.,"Sheldon: Ooh, we already have our first call.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Howard: We can’t get through.,"Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help.","Sheldon: Okay, one second.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay, one second.","Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?",Sheldon: I’m trying to shoot.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Leonard: Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.","Howard: No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks.",Sheldon: What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.,Howard: Kids are always better at video games.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t like it.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t like it.","Leonard: Mm, if it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child.","Sheldon: No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Howard: Oh, so our love is not real?","Raj: Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.","Sheldon: I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.",Leonard: Hot dogs.,Sheldon: Yay.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Zack: Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.",Scene: The comic book store. ,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about our recent humiliation.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about our recent humiliation.,Leonard: You’re gonna have to be more specific.,Sheldon: At the hands of those teenagers.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: At the hands of those teenagers.,Leonard: More.,Sheldon: Boy teenagers.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Boy teenagers.,"Leonard: Oh, the video game. Yeah, that was bad.","Sheldon: I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Raj: You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?","Howard: Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first.","Sheldon: The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Howard: Boy, it is neck and neck right now.","Leonard: How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles?","Sheldon: Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Leonard: I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.","Raj: If you really want to challenge yourself, you could learn to speak Hindi.",Sheldon: Jab mein aat saal ka tha maine seekha tha. (I did that when I was eight) ,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: Hey.,Sheldon: Hey.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Raj: Hey.,Amy: What smells so good?,Sheldon: Raj is teaching me to make croissants.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Raj is teaching me to make croissants.,Amy: Is this part of your super-aging?,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.","Raj: Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.","Sheldon: Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?","Amy: Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills.","Sheldon: For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.","Raj: You want a real challenge, try keeping me from eating more of these.",Sheldon: You’re just using food to mask the fear that you’re fundamentally unlovable and therefore going to be alone forever.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen. ,"Howard: All right, this is everything. What do you want to learn?","Sheldon: It really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s challenging.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: It really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s challenging.","Howard: Okay, well, how about, oh, I teach you some close-up magic.","Sheldon: Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Bernadette: Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.","Howard: And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm?","Sheldon: Okay, I think I got that.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Bernadette: Is it I’m going to die alone?,"Howard: No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it.","Sheldon: Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?",Howard: No.,Sheldon: Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m feeling a twinge.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Leonard: Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Amy, look, I’m on a unicycle!",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Amy, look, I’m on a unicycle!",Amy: How did you get from croissants to a unicycle?,Sheldon: I hurt myself juggling.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: I hurt myself juggling.,Amy: Where did you get it?,"Sheldon: Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.",Amy: Have you tried letting go of the rope?,"Sheldon: What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.","Amy: All right, well, have fun.","Sheldon: Wait, I need help getting down.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Wait, I need help getting down.","Amy: Well, what do you want me to do?","Sheldon: Drag out our mattress and put it over here, then go across the hall, get their mattress and put it over here. But before you do any of that, scratch my nose.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I’m returning this stuff to Howard.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: I’m returning this stuff to Howard.,"Amy: Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle?","Sheldon: Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.","Amy: You said juggling was dumb, too.","Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.","Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up?",Sheldon: Are you calling me a quitter?,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Are you calling me a quitter?,"Amy: Well, if you honestly…",Sheldon: This conversation is over.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,Amy: I made you tea.,Sheldon: Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: I’m sorry I called you a quitter.,"Sheldon: It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.",Amy: What are you reading?,Sheldon: This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. ,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. ,Amy: So?,Sheldon: So I’m running out of time.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: So I’m running out of time.,"Amy: That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you.","Sheldon: Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.","Amy: Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books.","Sheldon: Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.",1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.","Amy: Okay, fine, let’s say you never win a Nobel Prize. Let’s say you spend your life doing solid scientific research surrounded by friends and loved ones who appreciate you, not for what you’ve accomplished but for who you are as a man. Wouldn’t that be a life well-lived?",Sheldon: You’re so cute. I’m gonna go learn how to walk on stilts.,1
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Bernadette (as Doll): Don’t be that way. If you don’t mind a few splinters, we can have us a ménage à trois. Ooh.",Scene: A street. ,"Sheldon: I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m tall and I’m doing it. (Waking up in bed) Ah, man.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: And for the world’s tallest second grader, apple juice.","Sheldon: Thank you. No bendy straw, some party.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Bernadette: Yeah, you guys did this all on your own.",Raj: Without me.,Sheldon: To success without Raj.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Bernadette: So what happens next?,"Howard: Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.","Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll definitely live long enough. Vitamin C.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Leonard: First thing tomorrow morning, we’re back at it.",Raj: Without me.,"Sheldon: I hope his character doesn’t make it into the movie, he’s kind of a bummer.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: What the hell?,Leonard: Where is everything?,Sheldon: Who else has access to this room?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: Who else has access to this room?,"Leonard: It’s a secure lab in a classified facility, only the U.S. government and us.",Sheldon: This is disconcerting. ,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: But why would you do that?,"Col. Williams: You guys completed phase one, we’ll take it from here.",Sheldon: Where did you move it?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Leonard: Are you implementing phase two?,Col. Williams: I can’t tell you that.,"Sheldon: Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside?",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: This is all very upsetting.,"Col. Williams: I’m sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people’s feelings.","Sheldon: If that’s sarcasm, please save it for our enemies.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: How can you work on something for a year and they just take it?,Leonard: I can’t believe the Air Force would treat us like that.,"Sheldon: You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It’s too bad I enjoy doing them so much. The Air Force did it again. They’re erasing our lives.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Leonard: She might disappear, but she’s definitely not cleaning anything.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: It’s okay, everything’s here.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Bernadette: You’re kidding. Why would they do that?,Howard: They wouldn’t say.,"Sheldon: I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m so sorry.",Sheldon: Thank you. Can we just talk about something else?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Penny; Oh, damn, wait, you know, maybe you shouldn’t go.",Amy: Got to go. Morning.,Sheldon: I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.,Amy: Are you feeling okay?,Sheldon: Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.,"Amy: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.","Sheldon: No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.","Amy: Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain.",Sheldon: What’s the occasion?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: What’s the occasion?,"Amy: No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you.","Sheldon: You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.","Amy: Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own.","Sheldon: Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.","Amy: Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly.","Sheldon: No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?","Amy: You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new.","Sheldon: Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.","Amy: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks.",Sheldon: I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.,"Amy: That is true, I have said that.","Sheldon: Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?",Amy: I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton.,"Sheldon: Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.","Amy: Yeah, that’s the one.","Sheldon: Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.","Amy: Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first.",Sheldon: What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.,Amy: So are you.,"Sheldon: Thank you, but I’ll be fine.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Thank you, but I’ll be fine.","Amy: Are, are you sure?","Sheldon: Yes. I may have lost my guidance system and my girlfriend, but I still have a colon full of yesterday’s meals to keep me company. Although, thanks to your high fibre breakfast, I’m sure that’ll be leaving me, too.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Raj: You could try saying that without smiling.,Leonard: I’m trying. This is the best I can do. What are you doing?,Sheldon: What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.,Raj: Why?,Sheldon: I got the blues. My baby done left me.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Raj: Yeah, sure.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being silly.","Sheldon: Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.",Leonard: Do you really care about that last one?,"Sheldon: No, but that list was sounding a little thin.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, but that list was sounding a little thin.","Leonard: Instead of dwelling on the negative, think about this. Your girlfriend was given an amazing opportunity, which gives you an opportunity to show her that you’re a loving and supportive boyfriend.",Sheldon: So trick her.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: Hey. You going somewhere?,"Sheldon: No, but you are, so I got you this as a present.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, but you are, so I got you this as a present.","Amy: Sheldon, that isn’t necessary.","Sheldon: No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.",Amy: Thank you.,"Sheldon: The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.",Amy: Does this mean you’re okay with me going?,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…",Amy: I am.,"Sheldon: Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.",Amy: I wasn’t thinking that.,"Sheldon: Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.",Amy: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.,"Sheldon: All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.",Amy: What if we don’t fold our clothes at all?,"Sheldon: Or, what if we fold them?",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Okay, the car is waiting. Do you want to walk me downstairs?","Sheldon: Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.",Amy: Is it?,"Sheldon: Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.",Amy: Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while?,Sheldon: It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?,Amy: I’ll love you no matter what.,Sheldon: Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.,Amy: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.,Sheldon: And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?,Amy: I will.,Sheldon: And when you’re at the gate?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And when you’re at the gate?,Amy: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?,"Amy: I don’t know what they look like, but sure.",Sheldon: And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.,Amy: I won’t.,Sheldon: And every morning.,1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And every morning.,Amy: Got it.,"Sheldon: Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. ",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. ",Amy: Good thinking.,"Sheldon: And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.",1
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.",Amy: Thank you. That means a lot.,"Sheldon: Oh, and one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist who’s as smart as me, as tall as me and has hair like Thor, well, then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Following a “previously on” sequence. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype.,Sheldon: How are you settling in?,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: How are you settling in?,Amy: Pretty well. Princeton has a beautiful campus.,"Sheldon: Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.","Amy: Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home?","Sheldon: Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.",Amy: I miss you.,"Sheldon: I miss you, too.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: I miss you, too.","Amy: It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar.",Sheldon: I’m sorry you had to go through that.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I’m sorry you had to go through that.,"Amy: In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you.",Sheldon: You know you just split an infinitive.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: You know you just split an infinitive.,Amy: Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson?,Sheldon: I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.,Amy: What are you gonna do about it?,Sheldon: I’m going to admonish you.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I’m going to admonish you.,Amy: Vigorously?,Sheldon: That’s the only kind of admonishing I do.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Raj: Oh, why does he need a ladder?",Leonard: He doesn’t; he just likes looking at them. Bring a book.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Leonard: Hello.,"Raj: Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you. ","Sheldon: Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.",Leonard: Oh. I love those.,Sheldon: Let’s sit somewhere else.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Raj: So what do you guys think that’s about?,"Leonard: Knowing Sheldon, nothing.","Sheldon: So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.",Ramona: Not ’til you tell me about your latest paper on quantum loop theory.,Sheldon: Oh. You must be one of those dessert before dinner people.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Penny: Really? All I got from Leonard was the Toblerone bar had nuts.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype. ,"Sheldon: And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.",Amy: Sounds like a big night.,"Sheldon: Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?",Amy: So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely?,"Sheldon: Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,with Dr. Nowitzki.,Amy: Who’s he?,"Sheldon: Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman. ",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman. ","Amy: Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her?","Sheldon: Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.","Amy: Huge fan, you say?","Sheldon: Yes. I think you’d like her. She’s extremely intelligent, just like you. Unlike you, she’s tall, blonde and used to be an Olympic swimmer.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Raj: Thank you.,Penny: The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting.,"Sheldon: Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Ramona: Hi.,All; Hi.,Sheldon: We just went swimming.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Scene: The same, later.",Leonard: And you actually got in a pool?,"Sheldon: I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.","Ramona: I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day.","Sheldon: Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Bernadette: Can I just squeeze in here?,"Penny: So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy?","Sheldon: Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.",Ramona: Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her.,Sheldon: That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.,"Leonard: Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend?","Sheldon: Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing?",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Ramona: No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.",Raj: I think you made that very clear.,Sheldon: She was part of the American team at CERN.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: She was part of the American team at CERN.,Ramona: I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson. ,"Sheldon: Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?",Ramona: Absolutely.,Sheldon: I’ll get them.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I’ll get them.,"Ramona: Well, hang on, I’ll come with you.","Sheldon: Oh, fun. Like a play date.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Penny: You got fingers and a mouth, you call her.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Here you go.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: Here you go.,Ramona: Are these all from Peter Higgs?,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.","Amy: Hello, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, hello, Amy.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Oh, hello, Amy.",Amy: I was missing you again.,"Sheldon: I miss you, too. Hey, this is good timing. Remember that Dr. Nowitzki I told you about? She’s right here.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Ramona: So nice to meet you.,"Amy: Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry.",Sheldon: What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?,Amy: It’s not important.,"Sheldon: I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?",Ramona: I do.,Sheldon: See? We both think so.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Howard: You done trying to make yourself feel better?,Raj: No. I haven’t played the race card yet.,"Sheldon: Hey, I hate to break up the party, but Amy says I’m tired and have to go to bed.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Raj: Whatever.,Ramona: Walk me to my car?,Sheldon: Of course.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Bernadette: Excuse me.,"Penny: Pardon. I just need to., yeah.",Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.,Scene: The street.,Sheldon: Bye.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: Bye.,Penny: We need to talk.,Sheldon: What? Is this about Leonard and Amy? I don’t like it either.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Penny: Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you.",Sheldon: That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend.,"Penny: Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more.","Sheldon: That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.","Penny: Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.",Sheldon: I already do.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I already do.,"Penny: Well, then you get it.","Sheldon: Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.",Penny: Right.,"Sheldon: Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.","Penny: Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe…","Sheldon: Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.",Penny: All right. What do you think is happening?,Sheldon: I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Scene: Sheldon’s office. ,"Ramona: Hey, did you eat yet?","Sheldon: Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.","Ramona: Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches.",Sheldon: How thoughtful. Thank you.,1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: How thoughtful. Thank you.,"Ramona: Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you.","Sheldon: And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?",Ramona: What if I were?,"Sheldon: Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.",1
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.",Scene: Princeton. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Will you marry me?",1
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,,Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Will you marry me?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.","Leonard: Agreed, what’s your point?","Sheldon: Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?","Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.","Sheldon: And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.",(They sit and begin to fill in forms).,Sheldon: How thoughtful. Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.","Leonard: What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro. ","Sheldon: Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.","Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.",Sheldon: I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.",Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.,"Sheldon: Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I wouldn’t.,"Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?","Sheldon: Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I want to leave.,Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?,"Leonard: I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.",Sheldon: I already do.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.,"Leonard: Okay.

Receptionist: Bye.","Sheldon: That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: See you.,Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.,Sheldon: That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: What? Is this about Leonard and Amy? I don’t like it either.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?,Leonard: Not really.,Sheldon: Bye.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.",Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.,Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.",Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.",Leonard: New neighbour?,"Sheldon: Hey, I hate to break up the party, but Amy says I’m tired and have to go to bed.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Evidently.,Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.,Sheldon: See? We both think so.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: Oh, hi!",Leonard: Hi.,"Sheldon: I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Hi.,Leonard: Hi.,Sheldon: What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Penny: Hi.,Leonard: Hi.,"Sheldon: I miss you, too. Hey, this is good timing. Remember that Dr. Nowitzki I told you about? She’s right here.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Oh, great.",Penny: Great. ,"Sheldon: Oh, hello, Amy.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Great. Well, bye.",Penny: Bye.,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Bye. ,Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?,Sheldon: Here you go.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.,Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.,"Sheldon: Oh, fun. Like a play date.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Not with commentary.,"Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.",Sheldon: I’ll get them.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.,"Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.","Sheldon: Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. ,"Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.",Sheldon: She was part of the American team at CERN.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.,Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.,"Sheldon: Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.,"Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.",Sheldon: That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Hi. Again.,Penny: Hi.,"Sheldon: Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Penny: Hi. ,"Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.","Sheldon: Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Great.,"Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?","Sheldon: I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: You’re very welcome.,"Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?",Sheldon: We just went swimming.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.,Penny: Wow.,"Sheldon: Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.","Penny: So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.","Sheldon: Yes. I think you’d like her. She’s extremely intelligent, just like you. Unlike you, she’s tall, blonde and used to be an Olympic swimmer.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.",Penny: Holy smokes.,"Sheldon: Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman. ",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”",Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.,"Sheldon: Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.",Leonard: In what universe?,"Sheldon: Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.","Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?","Sheldon: And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.","Penny: So, sit next to me. ",Sheldon: Oh. You must be one of those dessert before dinner people.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: No, I sit there.",Penny: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: What’s the difference?,Leonard: Here we go.,Sheldon: Let’s sit somewhere else.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. ",Penny: Do you want me to move?,"Sheldon: Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Well.,Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)","Leonard: Sheldon, sit!
",Sheldon: That’s the only kind of admonishing I do.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Aaah!,Leonard: Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.,Sheldon: I’m going to admonish you.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. ,"Leonard: Yes I now, but…",Sheldon: I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.,"Leonard: Yes, I remember.",Sheldon: You know you just split an infinitive.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.,Leonard: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: I’m sorry you had to go through that.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.","Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.","Sheldon: I miss you, too.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.","Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak. ","Sheldon: Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.","Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.","Sheldon: Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard (mouths back): I don’t know.,"Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School. ",Sheldon: How are you settling in?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.
",Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.,"Sheldon: Oh, and one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist who’s as smart as me, as tall as me and has hair like Thor, well, then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.","Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?","Sheldon: And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Our shower works.,Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?,"Sheldon: Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. ",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Yes. ,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: And every morning.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: No?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: It’s right down the hall.,"Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
",Sheldon: And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development. ,Leonard: How so?,Sheldon: And when you’re at the gate?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.,"Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.",Sheldon: And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. ,Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.,Sheldon: Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?",Leonard: Excuse me?,Sheldon: It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.,Leonard: Well I’m not trying to have sex with her.,"Sheldon: Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.","Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?","Sheldon: Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.","Leonard: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.","Sheldon: Or, what if we fold them?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, of course.",Leonard: That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.,"Sheldon: All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Raj: Why?,Leonard: It’s just not a good time.,"Sheldon: Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Howard: So she’s available for coitus?, Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?,"Sheldon: Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Wow.,"Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car","Sheldon: Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.,Leonard: Must we?,"Sheldon: The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?","Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.","Sheldon: No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.",Leonard: Which is?,"Sheldon: No, but you are, so I got you this as a present.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: You think with your penis.,Leonard: That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come.,Sheldon: So trick her.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.","Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.","Sheldon: No, but that list was sounding a little thin.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.,"Leonard: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.","Sheldon: Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.",Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.,Sheldon: I got the blues. My baby done left me.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?,"Leonard: No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.",Sheldon: What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Voice from buzzer: Yeah.,"Leonard: Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yes. I may have lost my guidance system and my girlfriend, but I still have a colon full of yesterday’s meals to keep me company. Although, thanks to your high fibre breakfast, I’m sure that’ll be leaving me, too.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.",Voice: Get lost.,"Sheldon: Thank you, but I’ll be fine.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.",Leonard: We’re not going to give up just like that.,Sheldon: What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.","Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.","Sheldon: Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.,(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.),"Sheldon: Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.","(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)","Sheldon: Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Scene: Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.,Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) I’ll do the talking.,Sheldon: I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Enormous man: Yeah?,"Leonard: I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Man: How the hell did you get in the building?,Leonard: Oh. We’re scientists.,"Sheldon: No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.,Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.,"Sheldon: Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Leonard.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.,Leonard: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: What’s the occasion?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.","Sheldon: No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.","Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.",Sheldon: Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.,"Leonard: Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.",Sheldon: I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.","Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you’re a good friend.",Sheldon: Thank you. Can we just talk about something else?,0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.","Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.","Sheldon: I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Penny: Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?",Leonard: Really? Great.,"Sheldon: It’s okay, everything’s here.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?",Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.,"Sheldon: You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It’s too bad I enjoy doing them so much. The Air Force did it again. They’re erasing our lives.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: If that’s sarcasm, please save it for our enemies.",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,"Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.",Penny: So?,"Sheldon: Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside?",0
Series 01 Episode 01 – Pilot Episode,Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.,Penny: So?,Sheldon: Where did you move it?,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Howard: But does it have peanut oil?,"Leonard: Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.",Sheldon: This is disconcerting. ,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.",Raj: Are there any chopsticks?,Sheldon: Who else has access to this room?,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.",Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: I hope his character doesn’t make it into the movie, he’s kind of a bummer.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Howard: Get used to it.,"Penny: Yeah, I probably won’t, but… Hey Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll definitely live long enough. Vitamin C.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hi.,"Penny: Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?",Sheldon: To success without Raj.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?","Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?","Sheldon: Thank you. No bendy straw, some party.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? ","Leonard,Sheldon and Howard together: One. (Raj raises one finger). ","Sheldon: I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m tall and I’m doing it. (Waking up in bed) Ah, man.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.,"Penny: Yes, I know, men can’t fly.",Sheldon: You’re so cute. I’m gonna go learn how to walk on stilts.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. ","Leonard: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates. ","Sheldon: Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.","Leonard: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.","Sheldon: Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.","Howard: Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.",Sheldon: So I’m running out of time.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny: I’m just going to go wash up.,"Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.",Sheldon: This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. ,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Scene: Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.,"Leonard: Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.","Sheldon: It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: I hardly think so. ,Leonard: Why not?,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.","Leonard: We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.",Sheldon: This conversation is over.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.,Leonard: Do you have any ideas?,Sheldon: Are you calling me a quitter?,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Time shift, Leonard and Sheldon are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs.","Leonard: Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half. ","Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Exactly half.,"Leonard (snarkily): Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math. ","Sheldon: Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.",(Sheldon heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom.),Sheldon: I’m returning this stuff to Howard.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.","Time shift, they now have the package on an upstairs hallway, not their own.","Sheldon: Drag out our mattress and put it over here, then go across the hall, get their mattress and put it over here. But before you do any of that, scratch my nose.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?,Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.,"Sheldon: Wait, I need help getting down.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Quick cut to the hallway of their floor, they are nearing the top of the staircase.","Leonard: Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)","Sheldon: What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.",Scene: Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.,"Sheldon: Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!",Leonard: You okay?,Sheldon: I hurt myself juggling.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?",Leonard: So Penny’s a little messy.,"Sheldon: Amy, look, I’m on a unicycle!",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. ","Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?",Sheldon: Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m feeling a twinge.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: No.,"Leonard: Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.","Sheldon: Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.","Leonard: Come on, we should go.","Sheldon: Okay, I think I got that.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hang on.,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Straightening up.,"Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.","Sheldon: It really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s challenging.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.","Leonard: When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.",Sheldon: You’re just using food to mask the fear that you’re fundamentally unlovable and therefore going to be alone forever.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.",Leonard: What were you doing in his closet?,"Sheldon: For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.",Penny: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?,"Sheldon: Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: (sucks in breath),Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: No?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Raj is teaching me to make croissants.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Well, we’ll get out of your hair.","Penny: Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).",Sheldon: Hey.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Scene: Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.",Leonard: Sheldon!,Sheldon: Jab mein aat saal ka tha maine seekha tha. (I did that when I was eight) ,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.,"Leonard: Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.","Sheldon: Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.","Leonard: Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?","Sheldon: The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.,"Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.","Sheldon: I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Sheldon, we have to get out of here.",(Penny snores),Sheldon: Boy teenagers.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: At the hands of those teenagers.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.",Leonard: That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.),Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about our recent humiliation.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.","Leonard (doing likewise): Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go.",Sheldon: Yay.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: I am not leaving until I’m done.,Leonard: O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).,"Sheldon: I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Oh, what the hell.","Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself. ","Sheldon: No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Morning.,Leonard: Morning. ,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t like it.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.",Leonard: I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean.,Sheldon: What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Leonard: You think?,Sheldon: I’m trying to shoot.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.","Leonard: You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.","Sheldon: Okay, one second.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?,"Leonard: Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.","Sheldon: Ooh, we already have our first call.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?,"Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.","Sheldon: Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together. ",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny (voice off): You sick, geeky bastards!",Leonard: How did she know it was us?,Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny (voice off): Leonard!,"Leonard: God, this is going to be bad.","Sheldon: Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny (entering): You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?,"Leonard: Yes, but, only to clean.",Sheldon: So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Leonard: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.","Penny: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.","Sheldon: Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.",Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?,Sheldon: You and Leonard don’t have anything in common. Maybe you should break up.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Penny: Stay away from me.,"Leonard: Sure, that’s another way to go.",Sheldon: He’s not wrong. It was your crackpot idea that he deserves love.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.",Leonard: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?,"Sheldon: Comments from our Behind the Flags retrospective. Get this, people are calling it the longest one yet.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: That wasn’t sarcasm?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: That’s a good one. Okay, now, Leonard, you tell a joke.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.",Penny (opening door): What?,"Sheldon: Okay. So, Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, it appears",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Leonard: It’s fine. You win.,Howard: What’s his problem?,Sheldon: Who’s ready to laugh?,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Scene: Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.,Leonard: Six two inch dowels.,Sheldon: Your first date? Did you even measure her walls?,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: Check.,"Leonard: One package, Phillips head screws.","Sheldon: I’d say she’s copying you again, but I’m getting tired of sitting in the hall.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. ","Leonard: No, please, we insist, it’s the least we can do considering. ","Sheldon: Aw, man.",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.","Leonard: It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.",Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.,Leonard: And control it how?,"Sheldon: What’d you do, delete your photo?",0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): Good point, how you gonna cool it?","Penny: Hey guys, I got this. ",Sheldon: You made me sit on the stairs and think about what I did.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Howard: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.","Leonard: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?",Sheldon: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.,0
Series 01 Episode 02 – The Big Bran Hypothesis,"Penny: Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. ","Leonard: Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium. ","Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphone headsets.","Howard: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.",Sheldon: She’s younger and far more attractive than he is. They’re copying you two.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Howard: Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.","Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.","Sheldon: Oh great, see you at seven. ",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Raj: Oooh, he’s got me.","Howard: Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!",Sheldon: Is she a geologist?,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!,"Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.",Sheldon: Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. ,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: Leonard look out!,"Leonard: Dammit man, we’re dying here. ","Sheldon: Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Raj: He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.,"Leonard: You betrayed us for money, who are you?","Sheldon: Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Credits sequence,Scene: The same.,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: Sounds like your neighbour’s home.,Leonard: Excuse me.,"Sheldon: Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Penny: Okay, well, thank you, again.","Leonard: No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).",Sheldon: Where’s Howard?,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Leonard: What is wrong with you?,Howard: I’m a romantic.,"Sheldon: Bert, you’re tying up the line. My apologies to all of you trying to call in with legitimate flag comments.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: Because he looked better than you?,Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.,"Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Raj: Like who?,Leonard: I don’t know. Olivia Geiger?,"Sheldon: And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments. ",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. ,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga. ","Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?","Sheldon: Oh, and do you remember what you said?",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?","Howard: Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side. ","Sheldon: Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Raj: You might be bound by them right now.,"Howard: That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?",Sheldon: Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Of course not. ,"Howard: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?","Sheldon: So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Howard: I smell robot. ,"Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s going on.","Sheldon: Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Howard: So, how did it go with Lesley? ","Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway. ","Sheldon: And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we’re calling…",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Howard (to Leonard): I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat. ","Scene: The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing emo song.","Sheldon: All right, we’re about to go live, everyone on their A-game, good energy. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, good lord.","Leonard (singing): You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song. ",Sheldon: Now Navajo.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.","Leonard: I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos. ",Sheldon: Great. Now Mandarin.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…","Leonard: I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots. ",Sheldon: That’s nice. Now in German.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?","Leonard: Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat.",Sheldon: You know exactly what I need.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. ","Leonard: It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me. ",Sheldon: Yummy. And warm on my back.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. ","Leonard: You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out.",Sheldon: Thank you for making me tea.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. ","Leonard: No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out. ",Sheldon: We really need to skedaddle. Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.",Leonard: How do I look?,Sheldon: The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Could you be more specific?,Leonard: Can you tell I’m perspiring a little?,Sheldon: Not to tell anyone.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?,Leonard: Six thirty. ,Sheldon: I swear.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. ",Leonard: Is it too much?,"Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Not if you’re a rugby team. ,"Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos. ","Sheldon: It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Why would I join you?,"Leonard: No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. ","Sheldon: Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.","Leonard: You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.","Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.",Leonard: You could have stopped at “it could go well.”,Sheldon: It’s getting clearer.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: If I could of, I would of. ","Leonard: I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!",Sheldon: It’s hard to say.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?,Leonard: I’m having a panic attack.,"Sheldon: I, no, that is preposterous. Maybe.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.","Leonard: If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.",Sheldon: Where?,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: What does it say?,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Just do it.,Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I’m trying.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.","Leonard: Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.",Sheldon: That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Me?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: What’s the big deal? It’s full of classified information about the air force project.,0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: What should I tell her.,Leonard: I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick.,"Sheldon: Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. ",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Okay.,"Leonard: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.","Sheldon: Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.,Leonard: Give me the phone. ,"Sheldon: Leonard, would you be a lamb?",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?,Leonard: I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.,"Sheldon: My pants are missing, I don’t remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night. ","Scene: The apartment, Leonard enters.","Sheldon: At, at the lab? Why am I naked from the waist down?",0
Series 01 Episode 03 – The Fuzzy Boots Corollary,"Sheldon: So, how was your date?",Leonard: Awesome!,"Sheldon: Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,,Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.,Sheldon: Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.,"Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?",Sheldon: Home from work? What time is it?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.",Leonard: Interesting.,Sheldon: What’s going on? How’d I get here?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. ","Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)","Sheldon: What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. ",Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.,Sheldon: What I need is to get to work.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.","Leonard: I know, I’m familiar with you.","Sheldon: Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.","Leonard: Yes, I was there.","Sheldon: I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Just do your laundry.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Nothing.,"Leonard: Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go. ",Sheldon: That didn’t happen.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.",Leonard: Mahalo’s a nice touch. ,Sheldon: I’m fine.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Leonard: You don’t have buffets in India?,"Raj: Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.",Sheldon: Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Well here’s an interesting turn of events.,Leonard: What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Howard: Howard Wolowitz.,"Gablehouser: Howard, nice to meet you, and you are?","Sheldon: Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?,Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things.,"Sheldon: Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.,"Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.","Sheldon: Yeah, I felt the same way about the platypus. You know, bird and mammal in the same creature? No way. And spoiler, way.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters.",Leonard: Morning,"Sheldon: You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Morning.,Leonard: You’re making eggs for breakfast?,Sheldon: The two signals meet up in the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. ",Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.,Sheldon: BRB. That’s short for be right back. I’m saving so much time.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.",Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.,Sheldon: It’s five and a half.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: As do I.,"Leonard: You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.","Sheldon: The coefficient isn’t lambda, it’s lambda sub one. And over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.",Leonard: Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs.,"Sheldon: Ah, I’m back, you got me for eight minutes.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Leonard: And we all thank you.,"(Sheldon takes his eggs and sits down. Takes a photograph of them. Writes in his notebook, then takes a forkful. Writes in notebook again.)","Sheldon: Oh, sorry, uh, carrot chunk.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).,"Penny (popping her head round): Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?",Sheldon: Run down the pros and cons of each for me.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.",Penny: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.,Penny: Four dozen?,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I’ve got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work?",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.","Penny: Okay, one more time?","Sheldon: Soon. See, I could’ve said in the near future, but I didn’t say in the near future, because in the near future is three more words than soon. In, one, the, two, near, three, future, four. See, in the near future is four, soon is just one, four is more than one, saving time already.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Scene: Penny’s car,Penny: How come you didn’t go into work today.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. ","Penny: So you got canned, huh?","Sheldon: I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. ,"Penny: Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens. ",Sheldon: Because I am.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. ","Penny: No, no, I meant…",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.,Penny: Never mind. ,"Sheldon: Yeah, that list is strong. Like your mother’s urge to be promiscuous with sailors.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.",Penny: We’re fine.,Sheldon: I love that one.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.","Penny: Oh, sure I am.","Sheldon: Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.",Penny: 120?,Sheldon: Can you read them back?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?","Penny: Well, yeah.","Sheldon: Name calling, that is perfect. Now, when I get to this equation here, really let me have it. You know? If it helps, I’m not the sharpest dresser.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.","Penny: Let’s say 4,390. ",Sheldon: Science it is.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.",Scene: The supermarket.,"Sheldon: It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. ",Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.","Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs. ",Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.","Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then. ",Sheldon: That is a daring and insightful solution. ,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. ",Penny: Interesting.,"Sheldon: Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.,Penny: What now?,"Sheldon: Oh, that is much better. Yeah, boy, if good ideas came out of your brain the way mucus comes out of your nose, we’d be in good shape.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. ","Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for. ","Sheldon: Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.,Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building. ,"Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. ,"Penny: Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today. ","Sheldon: All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.",Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?,"Sheldon: Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?","Penny: Okay, I’m not talking about this with you.","Sheldon: By the way, your name can go first.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Scene: The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish. ","Leonard (entering): Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something.","Sheldon: Yes, this is remarkable.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. ,Leonard: What’s with the fish?,"Sheldon: Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: It’s an experiment. ,Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?,"Sheldon: Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.",Leonard: So… fish. ,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, go ahead.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.",Leonard: Fish nightlights.,"Sheldon: Aw, someone drew a penis in it.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!,"Leonard: Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.","Sheldon: That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.",Leonard: Like luminous fish.,Sheldon: Fire away.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Shhhhh!,Leonard: Right… I didn’t….,"Sheldon: Thank you, you are a good citizen. Told you. Go ahead, throw my underwear out the window. Same thing’s gonna happen.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon (mouths): You called my mother?,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice.","Sheldon: I’d write that down, but I can’t now, can I?",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Mrs Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom?","Sheldon: Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?",Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me. ,"Sheldon: Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish,",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I know, but why?",Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes. ,Sheldon: I believe I’ve made some progress on our ground rules.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. ","Leonard: Really, when was the last time you left the house.",Sheldon: Is it?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.,Leonard: That was three weeks ago.,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.","Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.",Sheldon: That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. ",Leonard: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door.,"Mrs Cooper (entering): Good morning, snicker-doodle. ",Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Morning.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that?","Sheldon: I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. ,"Mrs Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?","Sheldon: Well, don’t get me wrong. Neurobiology’s nothing more than the science of gray squishy stuff. But, you know, when it connects to physics, gas up the Ford, Martha, we’re going for a drive.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: What do you want, mom?",Mrs Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?,"Sheldon: Amy is studying the time lag between intent and awareness, and I realized that applies to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics. Now, I recognize there will be a time lag between me saying that and you Googling what it means, so I’ll wait.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Yeah.,"Mrs Cooper: Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.","Sheldon: Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up?",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: What for?,"Mrs Cooper: Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back. ","Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: No.,"Mrs Cooper: I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”","Sheldon: Well, what do you know? Here I was, waiting to be bored with biology, and instead you tickle my intellectual fancy. Which, unlike my body, is an okay place to tickle.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. ","Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out.",Sheldon: So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: Why not?,"Mrs Cooper: Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s shove off. (Exits)","Sheldon: Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Gablehouser: Well, actually….","Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, he’s just doodling, get in here. ","Sheldon: Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Gablehouser: Dr Cooper.,"Mrs Cooper: Let’s go, baby, we’re losing daylight. ",Sheldon: Things have been going really well with the infinite resistance gyroscope.,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon (leaving): Okay.,"Leonard: Hey, how did it go?","Sheldon: You know what? I’m proud of us. Yeah, with Penny and Leonard taking in Raj, and Stuart living with Howard and Bernadette, we’re the only couple of our social group who doesn’t need to fill the holes in their relationship with a third party.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Sheldon: I got my job back.,Leonard: Really? What happened?,"Sheldon: Penny would be the entree. Then Leonard’s basically a cheese course. And because I love you, you’re dessert.",0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Mrs Cooper is tucking him in.,"Mrs Cooper: I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.",Sheldon: That is true. Did you know I figured out in which order I would eat all my friends in the event of an apocalypse?,0
Series 01 Episode 04 – The Luminous Fish Effect,"Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?",Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?,Sheldon: What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory,Sheldon: Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. ,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Howard: I’ll take the heart smart platter.,"Penny: Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.",Sheldon: Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.","Penny: Well, it’s all good. ",Sheldon: I can’t sleep.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Statistically unlikely. ,"Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.","Sheldon: Yes, you’re fine as long as you have a buffer living with you to distract from your marital problems. It used to be me. Now it’s Raj and his attack Tribble. Anyway, I’m sorry for everything. Oh, and FYI, if you cry while they’re fighting, they’ll take you to McDonald’s.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Leonard: I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger. ,"Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?","Sheldon: Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. ,Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy. ,"Sheldon: No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?",Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!,"Sheldon: Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. ",Leonard: Make it two. ,"Sheldon: Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Leonard: Hey Lesley. ,Lesley: I didn’t know you ate here.,"Sheldon: I had no idea all our relationships were such a disaster. Boy, you’re good.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. ","Leonard: Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?",Sheldon: I hadn’t thought about that.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. ",Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.,Sheldon: I have.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.,"Leonard: What did Penny mean, you’d make a cute couple?","Sheldon: Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. ","Leonard: If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available. ","Sheldon: Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard. ",Leonard: How so?,"Sheldon: Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. ,"Leonard: Well, what do you think.",Sheldon: How come he can say it and I can’t?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Scene: The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.","Penny (opening door): Oh, hey Sheldon, what’s going on?",Sheldon: Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.,Penny: I’m sorry?,Sheldon: I thought that was gonna break the other way.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.","Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. ",Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Just come with me.,Jump to the pair of them standing outside Leonard’s bedroom door. Bryan Adams “Have You Ever Loved A Woman” is emerging. There is a tie on the bedroom door. ,"Sheldon: I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Well?,Penny: Well what?,"Sheldon: Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: What does it mean?,"Penny: Oh, come on, you went to college.","Sheldon: Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.","Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy. ","Sheldon: Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon (entering living room): This is very awkward.,"Penny: Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right?","Sheldon: Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. ","Penny: Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?","Sheldon: It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. ","Penny: So, do you know who’s in there?",Sheldon: A housewarming gift for Raj.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. ","Penny: Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.",Sheldon: All set.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on. ",Penny: What’s the matter?,"Sheldon: Yes, probably. But until we know for sure, how can I feel better?",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie. ",(Sheldon looks lost for a moment. The pulls out his mobile phone and dials.),"Sheldon: I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Scene: In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.","Scene: Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.",Sheldon: Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!","Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s the matter? ","Sheldon: Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. ",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations. ",Leonard: Are you sure?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m outraged. ",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. ",Leonard: Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having?,"Sheldon: I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. ",Lesley (entering): You’re welcome. ,"Sheldon: If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: You did this?,"Lesley: Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?",Sheldon: And what is that supposed to mean?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Lesley: Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night. ","Leonard: Thank you, I’ll see you at work. ","Sheldon: If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!",Lesley: What?,Sheldon: I suppose that’s acceptable.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?,Lesley: No-one.,Sheldon: What about his dog?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: I don’t come into your house and touch your board.,Lesley: There are no incorrect equations on my board. ,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…","Lesley: I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves). ",Sheldon: Roofing.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. ",Leonard: Sheldon!,"Sheldon: Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: So, is it serious, do you like her?","Leonard: Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go! ",Sheldon: Wow. I’m starting to think you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to spruce up the place.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. ","Leonard: Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.","Sheldon: I know our apartment’s small, but I think we can make room.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?,"Leonard: You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.","Sheldon: Well, maybe what’s in my pants will change your mind. It’s a list of this year’s panelists. It’s long, isn’t it?",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: She’s not that intelligent.,Leonard: She fixed your equation.,Sheldon: What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: She got lucky.,Leonard: You don’t believe in luck.,Sheldon: There’s my pretty girlfriend.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. ,"Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy. ","Sheldon: That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: Yeah. ,Sheldon: Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Leonard: Well, that part’s true! ",Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Sheldon: Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant. ",Leonard: No kidding.,"Sheldon: I’m a big boy, and if I missed one, I’d throw a big-boy tantrum.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. ",Leonard: Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted. ,"Sheldon: When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. ",Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?,0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. ","Penny: So, how’s everything. ","Sheldon: Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year either.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Sheldon: Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.","Penny: Really, oh yay!","Sheldon: Not entirely, the fight over who’s going to drive is still…",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,"Penny: Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).",Leonard: Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention? ,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, get this, neither does Penny, that’s why she doesn’t want to go. You set ’em up, I knock ’em down, good job.",0
Series 01 Episode 05 – The Hamburger Postulate,Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. ,Leonard: Are you even listening to me?,Sheldon: This is an interesting way to stay out of it.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard: Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. ","Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews. ",Sheldon: Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. ","Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. ","Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster. ","Sheldon: Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Howard: Morning ma’am. ,"Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Howard: A boy-girl party?,"Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…","Sheldon: So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Dancing?,"Leonard: Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…",Sheldon: He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….",Leonard: We’re really more….,"Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.","Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.",Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Leonard: Is there a theme?,"Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.","Sheldon: I should hope so. When she called me an insensitive jerk, I’d like to think she meant it.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…",Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: What about comic-books?,Penny: Fine.,"Sheldon: No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Anime?,Penny: Of course.,"Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)","Leonard: Oh, no. ",Sheldon: That’s probably my fault. She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.),"Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!",Sheldon: I’m gonna go as Dumbledore.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. ","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.","Sheldon: Your father may have spoiled you, but I won’t. If you want a ticket to Comic-Con, I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. ","Leonard: No, it’s not…","Sheldon: You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!","Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight. ","Sheldon: You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?","Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey. ",Sheldon: She’s gonna hate the panels.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: Hey, sorry we’re late. ",Penny: Late? It’s 7:05.,Sheldon: She’s gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven. ,"Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven. ","Sheldon: Very well. Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday. You can’t buy one.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?","Penny: Probably, but in their own homes. ",Sheldon: You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start? ,Penny: The parade?,Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.","Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes. ","Sheldon: No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.","Leonard: Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.",Sheldon: What emergency happened at the L.A. Zoo?,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. ",Leonard: Okay. ,Sheldon: He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Raj: Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix. ","Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights. ","Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? ",Leonard: We’re socialising. Meeting new people. ,Sheldon: I’m not wearing this visor to play women’s golf.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.","Leonard: She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.","Sheldon: Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.","Leonard: I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people. ",Sheldon: Uh-huh. Interesting. Okay.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.",Leonard: How so?,"Sheldon: Oh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but it turns out, no, she was genuinely mortified.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. ",Leonard: Go on.,"Sheldon: Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”",Leonard: Then what happens?,"Sheldon: All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.,"Leonard: This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Good luck. ,"Leonard: No, you’re coming with me.","Sheldon: Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. ",Leonard: Come on.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?,Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.,"Sheldon: No, you didn’t. But keep in mind, I felt extremely important.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!",Leonard: Hi.,Sheldon: I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Hello.,"Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?",Sheldon: Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!,"Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?",Sheldon: A little.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.),Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.,"Sheldon: No, they’re private.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!,Girl: I still don’t get it.,Sheldon: Of course. ,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm," Sheldon: Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. ",Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.,Sheldon: That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. ",Leonard: Oh no.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: What?,Leonard: That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.,"Sheldon: No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. ,"Leonard: If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.","Sheldon: I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. ","Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).","Sheldon: Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis. ,Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends. ,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. ",Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.,"Sheldon: That lady has a name. I don’t know what it is, but one time I accidentally called her mom.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. ","Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.",Sheldon: This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. ","Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down. ","Sheldon: I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?,Leonard: No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face. ,"Sheldon: Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.,"Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?","Sheldon: Is it safe to assume you’re not speaking to me again? If you’re not answering because you’re not speaking to me, perhaps we could come up with a signal. That works.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. ","Kurt: What, you’re a zebra, right?",Sheldon: What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. ",Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Kurt: Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.",Leonard: I think we’re all talking to Penny here.,Sheldon: Why aren’t you talking to me?,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard? ","Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. ","Sheldon: No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble. ","Kurt: So what, I’m unevolved?","Sheldon: Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Leonard: I think I’ve made my point.,"Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.","Sheldon: Actually, we met online.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Penny: I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down. ",Kurt: Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun. ,Sheldon: You want me to look at him and listen to him?,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….","Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming. ","Sheldon: Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.,Leonard: What’s that?,Sheldon: Not at all. Amy?,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Bert, I insist that you join us.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had. ,Leonard: Good night Sheldon.,"Sheldon: MSN Search, AltaVista, and Ask Jeeves. You?",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,"Leonard: That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)","Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door. ","Sheldon: If you think that’s more fun than talking to Zachary Quinto through a stall door, you’re crazy.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.),"Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?","Sheldon: Well, have a lovely evening.",0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him. ,"Howard: He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God. ",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 06 – The Middle Earth Paradigm,Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification. ,Howard: I’m supposed to give him a ride home.,"Sheldon: If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Howard’s phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).,"Raj: Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist. ",Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.",Leonard: So? We’ll start now.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Raj: We can split it two, two and two.",Howard: If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.),"Sheldon: Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Leonard: Sure. What’s going on.,"Penny: Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me. ",Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? ","Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family. ",Sheldon: It’s slowing down.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?","Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town. ","Sheldon: You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door. ","Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.    ",Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. ","Leonard: Okay, fine, we’ll just play one on one until he gets back. ",Sheldon: Kind of busy right now.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.",Leonard: Great idea.,"Sheldon: Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. ",Penny: Why?,Sheldon: There’s no way.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.","Penny: Oh, what, what, what? ",Sheldon: GPS says we’ll be at the railway in three hours.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.","Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off? ",Sheldon: May I borrow your water?,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys. ",Leonard: It’s the only way we can play teams. ,Sheldon: I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)","Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again.",Sheldon: I apologize that it’s so warm in here.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!",Time shift,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.","Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon. ","Sheldon: Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. ","Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something. ",Sheldon: Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: What?,"Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it’s raining you! ","Sheldon: Okay, but this is the last time. Nice try, blockheads.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that?,"Leonard: She’s an enigma, Raj. ","Sheldon: Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…","Leonard: She’s gone, Sheldon. ",Sheldon: That’s wrong.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye. ,"Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. ","Penny: Uh, the couch is good.","Sheldon: No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.","Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this.","Sheldon: Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Where do I begin? ,"Leonard: It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice. ","Sheldon: Leonard, in the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked, then it clacked, click-clack clickety-clack, and here we are. Whoo-whoo.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. ","Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else? ",Sheldon: Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.",Leonard: So? ,"Sheldon: Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. ","Leonard: I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?","Sheldon: Interesting. Well, so I was right.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. ",Penny: Hu.. what?,"Sheldon: I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. ",Leonard: I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow. ,"Sheldon: Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. ",Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?,"Sheldon: Oh, get this. I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual. I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh. There’s forward, uh, reverse, set the brakes. Are you done yet? You’re missing",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Leonard: Here you go.,Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.),"Sheldon: Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong. ",Penny: I’m listening.,Sheldon: You.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.,Penny: Why? ,"Sheldon: Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.",Penny: I’ll risk it.,Sheldon: No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Hm! ,Penny: Anything else I should know.,"Sheldon: You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters.",Leonard: What are you doing? ,"Sheldon: Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at The Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn’t happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. ",Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….","Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed? ","Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.",Penny: What the hell is your problem?,Sheldon: Then what?,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Christie (entering): Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.",Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).,Sheldon: I don’t want to go home.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Christie: Hi, Christie.",Leonard: Leonard. ,"Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.","Leonard: Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us.","Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother.,"Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me. ","Sheldon: I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. ",Leonard: Sheldon you just can’t dictate…,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Howard: I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.","Christie: Oh, that’s so cool. My first Jew!",Sheldon: Keep filling this one with babies. She’s good.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Howard: Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. ",Scene: A Chinese restaurant. ,"Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.",Leonard: We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?,"Sheldon: I did. You know, I’m not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?",Leonard: I see a problem. ,Sheldon: Yes. I don’t need an emotion machine. I am one.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. ,"Leonard: So, we’ll just order three entrees.","Sheldon: Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. ",Raj: We could cut it into thirds. ,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, you should be. Your socks were still in it. I had to throw it away. Anyway, I, uh, trust that you’ve resolved your conflict.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. ","Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?","Sheldon: Oh. Well, I thought we were going in order.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. ",Raj: That works. ,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Waiter: No eliminations. ,"Leonard: If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home.",Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. ","Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.","Sheldon: I feel the same way about you. Now, put your glasses back on. You look weird.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. ",Leonard: We don’t order egg rolls.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. ","Leonard: Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food.","Sheldon: I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: Uurgh.,"Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know. ","Sheldon: It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: How about soup?,"Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup.","Sheldon: I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks. ,"Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?",Sheldon: Not really.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Penny: She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. ,"Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?",Sheldon: Fine. I’ll just give them the finger.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. ","Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend. ",Sheldon: Gladly. Can we storm out?,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. ","Penny: Well, for Penny it’s dancing night. ",Sheldon: You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Sheldon:  Then it’s not dancing night. ,"Penny: Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow?",Sheldon: You first.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. ","Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.",Sheldon: He’s still mad.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. ",Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend. ,"Sheldon: Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.",Leonard: So?,Sheldon: It’s like you’re twins.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.","Leonard: Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy. ",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Raj: What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart. ,Leonard: Who are you calling?,"Sheldon: What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Scene: Outside Howard’s house. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.","Sheldon: Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. ","Leonard: You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact. ","Sheldon: No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet?",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,Howard’s Mother (voice): Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.,Howard: What are you guys doing here? ,Sheldon: Surprisingly well.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Howard: So, Halo night, huh? ",Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha?,"Sheldon: Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Scene: The apartment, Halo night. ","Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle. ","Sheldon: And you’re worried that turkey neck is in your future. What, now, see, now it says you’re mad. Make up your mind.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.",Raj: I can’t see him.,"Sheldon: Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.",0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. ","Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.",Sheldon: Sad.,0
Series 01 Episode 07 – The Dumpling Paradox,"Leonard: There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher. ","Raj: All I’ve got is a needler, and I’m all out of ammo. ","Sheldon: Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right. ",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,,Scene: The Apartment.,Sheldon: You are happy?,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.",Leonard: Problem?,"Sheldon: Yes. Now, when the robots rise up, they’ll know that I’ve been rooting for them the whole time.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. ","Leonard: Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?","Sheldon: Really? Uh, little tip: jokes are often better when you end them with wocka wocka or ha-cha-cha.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. ,Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: Wonderful. Although I’m not sure how I feel about being used as a guinea pig.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Leonard: Hi! ,Raj: And over here is Sheldon.,"Sheldon: I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Mrs Koothrappali: It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle.","Raj: If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling.",Sheldon: You could make it a train room.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.",Raj: Why are you telling me about my own culture? ,"Sheldon: It could also help me identify my enemies, discover their fears and then I could use those fears to destroy them.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Howard: Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. ","Leonard: Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India. ",Sheldon: A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Leonard: I bet you’re right.,Howard: I bet they love Scrubs.,"Sheldon: Okay, now you’re just showing off.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: What’s not to love?,"Raj: Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.,Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Leonard: I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show. ","Howard: Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally. ","Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Raj: Find new friends. ,Howard: So who wants to rent Fiddler?,Sheldon: Then why didn’t you say that?,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Leonard: Oh, hey. ",Penny: I need some guinea pigs.,"Sheldon: Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Penny: Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.","Leonard: Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.","Sheldon: We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Leonard: Whatever you recommend.,"Penny: Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?",Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: I’ll have a diet coke.,"Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.","Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. ,"Penny: That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Yes, ",Penny: So coke.,Sheldon: What? He said he was fine.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet? ,Penny: There’s a can in the fridge. ,"Sheldon: So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.,Penny: Then swim to Cuba.,"Sheldon: Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Howard: No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.","Penny: Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me.",Sheldon: Doesn’t like games. That’s one.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Penny: Drinks do not work that way. ,"Howard: I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail. ","Sheldon: That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: Sorry I’m late.,Leonard: What happened?,Sheldon: Mm. You seem to be forgetting the no nostalgia clause.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.","Penny: Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there. ","Sheldon: I did this for free, let me get a little something.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: That’s Princess Punchali. ,Leonard: I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita.,"Sheldon: I get to write a contract? I say, let’s get this party of the first part started.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. ","Howard: Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card. ","Sheldon: Oh good, you’re here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmas’s?",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: It’s a children’s story.,"Howard: Oh, no it isn’t. ","Sheldon: Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh. ",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Penny: I know the reason. ,"Leonard: We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?","Sheldon: Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody? ",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Howard: Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… ","Raj: Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more! ",Sheldon: There’s a cucumber in my water.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.",Lalita: I’m sorry? ,"Sheldon: Very well. Hey, later we’ll check out the minibar, I’ll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. ,"Lalita: Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?","Sheldon: You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. ",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. ,"Lalita: Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian?",Sheldon: And that’s how you make effort look effortless.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: You Indian.,Lalita: Oh. ,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. ,Lalita: Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too. ,"Sheldon: Very well. You got married spur of the moment, I don’t see why your divorce should be any different.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Raj: But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts. ","Lalita: Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like. ","Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Lalita: Oh my.,Raj: Back off Sheldon. ,Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: What?,Raj: If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.,"Sheldon: Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like when I first encountered the Pythagorean theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. But now I’m just like, eh.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Raj: You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.,"Lalita: Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you.","Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Lalita: Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.",Raj: But you’re not Princess Punchali.,"Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.","Lalita: Sheldon, are you hungry?","Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Dr Koothrappali: Turn us, turn us. ","Raj: Go ahead, tell my parents why they won’t have any grandchildren.","Sheldon: Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Mrs Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. ,"Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: What did I do? ,Leonard: You left with his date. Friends don’t do that to each other. ,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Raj: Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?,"Leonard: Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten. ",Sheldon: And it’s just the way you like it.,0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. ,Dr Koothrappali: Drunk?,"Sheldon: Here. You’re sad, so I made you tea.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,Dr Koothrappali: Now listen to me….,Raj: Please wait until I get into the hall. ,"Sheldon: Well, if x equals the amount that you’ll miss me, then I’ll miss you x plus one.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.",Leonard: Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll miss you too.",0
Series 01 Episode 08 – The Grasshopper Experiment,"Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. ",Leonard: So you’re not going to see her again?,Sheldon: Bye.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: Okay, the X10s are online.","Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap). ",Sheldon: Bye.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.","Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop. ",Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See! ",Penny: No.,Sheldon: And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Penny: Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why? ",All together: Because we can. (There is a loud noise),"Sheldon: Amy is free. She had a harp lesson on Saturday but it got cancelled. Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense. ",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Leonard: Wireless webcams, wave hello. ","Howard: The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv. ","Sheldon: Leonard, she might be drunk. All she had was chips.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Credits sequence,"Scene: The same, clearing up.","Sheldon: Well, I’m just playing tennis against the drapes here.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Howard: I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother. ,Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers. ,Sheldon: Anything to drink?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash? ",Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. ",Leonard: It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates. ,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out. ,"Leonard: Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.","Sheldon: If you do that, i’ll win in eight moves. I’ll win in five moves. I’ll win in one move.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Howard: Forget the parties? What a nerd. ,Leonard: Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?,"Sheldon: At our age, why don’t we call it man’s night?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Howard: I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….","Leonard: Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.","Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. ","Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it.",Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: You can’t. I’m the lead author. ,"Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically. ","Sheldon: That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. ","Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis. ",Sheldon: I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: It doesn’t need proving. ,Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?,"Sheldon: Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear? ",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: They’re not supposed to, but they should. ","Leonard: Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings. ",Sheldon: Oh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife’s genitals and he gets time off.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: And I forbid it. ,Leonard: You forbid it?,"Sheldon: Thank you, Internet. I’m telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. ,"Leonard: Oh, you admit that it’s our work.","Sheldon: It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon (unlocking his mailbox): Hello Penny.  ,Penny: Get anything good? ,Sheldon: What? Is there another twist coming? Is the baby not theirs at all?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.","Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week. ","Sheldon: Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. ","Penny: Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…",Sheldon: To this day I’ve never touched Stuart.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Oh dear God! ,"Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh. ","Sheldon: Hey, how’s life with your baby?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.,"Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it. ","Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Huh.,Penny: Well how do you feel?,Sheldon: I don’t understand what’s wrong with socks.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.,Penny: Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend. ,"Sheldon: Well, there’s really not much left to tell. I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) My mother made me take it out. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) Amy put alcohol on it. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) And here we are.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. ,Penny: Wait… what? ,Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: I couldn’t poop this morning. ,"Penny: You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out. ",Sheldon: How did we get in the car?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: It’s certainly preferable to my plan.,Penny: Which was? ,Sheldon: Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: A powerful laxative. ,"Penny: Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.","Sheldon: Delighted? What., not if I guessed for a hundred years.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea? ","Penny: Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…",Sheldon: How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? ","Penny: Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words.",Sheldon: What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. ,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: In what words then, exactly","Penny: Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s ",Sheldon: I have gotten much better at that.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Penny: You had a lucky hunch. ,"Leonard (coming out of apartment): Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….","Sheldon: So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit. ,"Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving for the conference. ",Sheldon: You managed the situation?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch. ,Leonard: Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that.,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Then why did you say it.,"Leonard: I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my…","Sheldon: Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?,"Leonard: No, no not at all. A little bit. ",Sheldon: I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: How’d that work out for you?,"Penny (entering): Leonard, ready to go?","Sheldon: I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero. ","Leonard: Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.","Sheldon: You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Leonard: Let’s go.,Penny: Bye Sheldon. ,"Sheldon: Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon (who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses): Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. ","Leonard: I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science.",Sheldon: Can you believe my mother thinks we’re both strange?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?",Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.,Sheldon: And?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. ",Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.,"Sheldon: Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man. ","Leonard: Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.",Sheldon: Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. ","Leonard: Really, so why did you come?","Sheldon: Well, I was in my room, I couldn’t hear what they were saying.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.,Leonard: I didn’t screw it up.,"Sheldon: I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. ","Leonard: I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.","Sheldon: Well, this is highly insulting.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: So you admit that you’re an egotist?,"Leonard: Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.","Sheldon: What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)",Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your mind. ,Sheldon: And what special circumstances are those?,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. ,Leonard (knocking his hands down): Stop it.,"Sheldon: What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.",Leonard: You were trying to blow up my head.,"Sheldon: All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: So it was working.,"Leonard: It wasn’t, it was not, you are a nutcase.","Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Leonard (getting Sheldon on floor): Vulcan nerve pinch!,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home. ,Leonard: You’re lucky I didn’t run you over. ,"Sheldon: Given that your hands prepared it, isn’t that a little self-serving?",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. ","Leonard: You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help. ",Sheldon: Anyway…,0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. ",Leonard: Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologise for?,"Sheldon: Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,Raj: Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. ,Leonard: What? ,"Sheldon: There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.",0
Series 01 Episode 09 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization,"Howard: That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). ",Leonard: Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?,Sheldon: Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Scene: The downstairs lobby.,"Leonard: See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.",Sheldon: How did we get in the car?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?",Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I don’t know. ,"Sheldon: Well, we were on our way to my mother’s house…",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. ,"Leonard: Alright, oh wait, they use it to in…","Sheldon: It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Penny (voice off, singing, quite tunelessly): Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. ",Leonard: What the hell is that? ,"Sheldon: Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar?",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Penny: You’ll never guess what just happened.,"Leonard: Oh, I give up.","Sheldon: Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Leonard: Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?","Penny: Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Leonard: Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.","Penny: It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know. ","Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Together: No.,"Leonard: Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.","Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Penny: Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys. ",Leonard: See you. (Penny exits singing) ,"Sheldon: Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It’s fun to think about.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.,"Leonard: Yes, I did. ","Sheldon: Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard. You know, I didn’t swallow it, but Amy said it counted.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.",Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: Raj, show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don’t say.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. ","Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.","Sheldon: I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Credits sequence,Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: But if my mom asks, we have bunk beds.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: She’s right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I’m not going to ruin her birthday. I’ll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year. Boop.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: I need to speak to you.,Leonard: It’s two o’clock in the morning,Sheldon: Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: It’s important.,Leonard: I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there? ,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Yes. ,Leonard (opening door): What? ,Sheldon: You know I’ve been wanting to go.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: You’re right, it can wait until morning. ","Leonard (following Sheldon into living room): What, what, what, what, what? ","Sheldon: Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.","Leonard: Sheldon, what is it? ","Sheldon: What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. ,Leonard: What was I supposed to say. ,Sheldon: Wowza.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.,Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings. ,Sheldon: Can I look yet?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor? ,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Who’s killing the mood now?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. ,Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards? ,Sheldon: Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.","Leonard: I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again. ","Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Why? ,"Leonard: It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at. ",Sheldon: Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: I was not aware of that. ,Leonard: Well now you are.,"Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. ",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)….. ",Leonard: Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?,Sheldon: Very well.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.",Leonard: How?,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. ",Leonard closes door. ,"Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today. ",Scene: Outside Penny’s door. ,Sheldon: Grape. I find it the most mild.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.",Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is? ,"Sheldon: That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? ",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.",Penny: What do you want?,"Sheldon: It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s your birthday, you decide.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?,Penny: I remember symposium.,Sheldon: I’m starting to rethink the Flash onesie I bought this kid.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.","Penny: Wait, what?",Sheldon: Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.",Penny: Well imagine how I’m feeling. ,"Sheldon: Yeah. I’m afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Scene: The living room. ,"Leonard: You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?",Sheldon: I didn’t put on my come-hither plaid PJ’s for nothing.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: To help you. ,"Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help.",Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. ,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. ","Leonard: Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling. ",Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. ",Leonard: Your cousin Leopold?,Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. ",Leonard: What’s important?,"Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. ",Leonard: Do you have a cousin Leopold.,Sheldon: It’s midnight. Happy birthday.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. ","Leonard: I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?",Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. ",Leonard: Un-unravelable?,"Sheldon: I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.","Leonard: Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.","Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. ",Leonard: We’re going to Long Beach?,"Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.","Leonard: Oh, come on!","Sheldon: I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.",Leonard: So he goes back into rehab?,Sheldon: Dividing our belongings is difficult.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.",Leonard: You still told her I lied.,Sheldon: I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?",Leonard: I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.,Sheldon: Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. ","Leonard: So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach? ",Sheldon: And now you know as much about him as I do.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Penny: Uh-huh!,Howard: Okay. So what’s up? ,"Sheldon: That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Howard: No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. ","Penny: Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.","Sheldon: Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Well… I don’t know what to say. ,"Penny: It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian","Sheldon: My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Thanks Penny. ,"Howard: Yeah, uh, break a leg.","Sheldon: So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold. ,"Raj: Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach. ",Sheldon: This is the level you’re stooping to.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Howard: I’m game.,Raj: Shotgun.,Sheldon: What do you think you’re doing?,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay," Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…","Leonard: Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not. ",Sheldon: It’s a good thing you’re cute.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. ","Leonard: What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over. ","Sheldon: All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.",Leonard: Why not? ,"Sheldon: If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child. ,"Leonard: There is no Leo, how can you say that? ","Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.",Leonard: I’ve got a solution.,"Sheldon: Come along, Amy. I know when I’m not wanted.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Great, what is it?",Leonard: Get out.,Sheldon: But you don’t even understand its symbolism.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Leonard: Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.","Man: Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.",Sheldon: But I designed it.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.","Man: Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.",Sheldon: But you don’t even like flags.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. ",Leonard: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Yeah, take whatever you want.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Toby: It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. ,"Leonard: Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?","Sheldon: It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Oh…!,"Toby: Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.","Sheldon: For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.","Toby: Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?",Sheldon: Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.",Penny: Hi. How did the intervention go.,"Sheldon: Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. ","Penny: Well, based on what you told me, I’m not surprised. ","Sheldon: Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Penny: I’m… I’m sorry.,"Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.,Toby: That’s never been proven.,Sheldon: I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Sheldon: There have been studies.,Toby: Not double blind studies.,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.",0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,Leonard: Yeah! Funny how things work out. ,Toby: And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide. ,Sheldon: It’s one of a kind.,0
Series 01 Episode 10 – The Loobenfeld Decay,"Toby: One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time. ",Leonard: How long is he going to stay here.,Sheldon: Oh. Remember when we got this at Comic-Con?,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,,"Scene: The living room of the apartment. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.","Sheldon: Oh, we got a sword and a plant, our apartment’s really shaping up.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Checkmate.,Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again?,"Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. ",Leonard: Just reset the board.,"Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?","Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.","Sheldon: That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Leonard: How was your family?,"Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.","Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon (running to opposite side of the room): What kind of sick?,"Penny: Oh, the flu I guess.",Sheldon: What happened to them?,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?",Penny: Maybe Friday.,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? ",Penny: I… I don’t…,"Sheldon: Look, it’s the same smile she has in the painting.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when? ","Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.","Sheldon: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Leonard: Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. ","Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I understand.",Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Penny: Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.",Leonard: No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.),"Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Scene: The kitchen,Leonard: What the hell are you doing?,"Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures. ,Leonard: With lime jello?,Sheldon: Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.",Leonard: I don’t think so.,"Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not. ",Sheldon: Do people know about her? ‘Cause she’s delightful.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting? ","Sheldon: What a wonderful idea, how does this man not have a Nobel?",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. ",Leonard: I’m going back to bed. ,"Sheldon: I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.,Leonard: What for? ,Sheldon: How do you deal with the success of your colleagues?,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.,Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this! ,"Sheldon: Thanks, Leonard, now he’s not gonna think I’m cool.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.","Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? ",Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology. ,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature.,"Sheldon: I didn’t punch him. He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop. I’m not even sure he knows I did it.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow! ",Leonard (voice on phone): Hey.,"Sheldon: Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t?",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? ",Leonard (running down stairs): I’m at work. ,Sheldon: You know what? This isn’t gonna work.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? ,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: On Sunday? ,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Why? ,Leonard: They asked me to come in.,"Sheldon: I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.",Leonard: They texted me. ,"Sheldon: Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. ",Leonard: No kidding?,"Sheldon: All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. ","Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. ","Sheldon: I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. ",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?,Leonard: Drink whatever you want.,"Sheldon: Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I want soup.,Leonard: Then make soup. ,Sheldon: Sorry I’m moving slowly.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: We don’t have soup. ,"Leonard: I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) ",Sheldon: I’m so disappointed in myself. Jealousy is completely illogical.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Is that a dog?,"Leonard: Yes, ","Sheldon: No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Leonard (voice): No, don’t, don’t….",Howard: Hello.,"Sheldon: You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick. ","Howard (imitating his mother’s voice): Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? ",Sheldon: Really? I didn’t know that.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen. ,"Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much. ","Penny: How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick.","Sheldon: Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! ,"Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want.","Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I want soup.,Penny (over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home. ,"Sheldon: Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?",Penny: You can have soup delivered.,"Sheldon: Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. ","Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want.","Sheldon: Top of the afternoon, gentlemen.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.",Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek. ,Sheldon: And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape. ,Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Maybe you’re right.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home. ,"Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.","Sheldon: Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Good. Good.,"Penny: Okay, well, you feel better.","Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Wait, where are you going? ","Penny: Um, home, to write some bad cheques.",Sheldon: I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: You’re going to leave me? ,"Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before? ","Sheldon: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself. ","Penny: Really, never?",Sheldon: Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you’re at it.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.",Penny: Studying abroad?,"Sheldon: I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. ",Penny: And there was no-one there to take care of you?,Sheldon: How did you deal with it?,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. ",Penny: Again?,"Sheldon: You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”",Penny: What does that mean?,"Sheldon: I admire you, Leonard.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”","Penny: Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need?",Sheldon: Fine. You can walk ahead of me and scare off the pigeons.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. ","Penny: Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas. ",Sheldon: That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Penny: Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later.","Sheldon: Yeah, well I am angry. And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry. And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest. ,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself?","Sheldon: I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. ,Penny: But Sheldon….,"Sheldon: Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.",Penny: I can’t believe I’m doing this. ,Sheldon: You want me to read a geology paper?,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. ",Penny: Sorry. ,"Sheldon: You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. ,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Who listens to the radio any more?,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.,"Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it.","Sheldon: Who leaves their bike in the hallway? You know, if I knew how to ride one, I’d steal it.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. ","Penny (after a loud sigh): Soft kitty, warm kitty…","Sheldon: Well, aren’t you a peach.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Penny (handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye.",Leonard: W-wait! ,"Sheldon: Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!",Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) ,"Sheldon: Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I want grilled cheese. ,"Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his head. ",Sheldon: I know how to behave.,0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? ,Leonard: I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again. ,"Sheldon: Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,Sheldon: I’m very congested. ,"Leonard: Yeah, so?","Sheldon: Hey, it’s not even called the Genius Grant, it’s the MacArthur Fellowship. Just like it’s not Frankenstein, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster. Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there. And if anyone’s a genius, it’s me for the way I brought that full circle.",0
Series 01 Episode 11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly,"Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.","Leonard: If I stand, I’ll vomit. ",Sheldon: Everything is stupid and I want to go home.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,,Scene: The University cafeteria. ,"Sheldon: You guys are aroused, right?",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.,Leonard: Lay it on me. ,"Sheldon: Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.",Leonard: How about that. ,"Sheldon: Amy, come back. I don’t know how to open the oysters.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.",Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? ,Sheldon: Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same. ",Leonard: That is a problem. ,Sheldon: Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Leonard: Graduate work, very impressive.",Gablehouser: And he’s only fifteen years old.,"Sheldon: Good choice, it’s disgusting.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Gablehouser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.","Dennis: I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end. ",Sheldon: Would you care for a brandy?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Gablehouser: Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.",Leonard: Yes sir. ,"Sheldon: Well, hello.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. ","Dennis: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk. ","Sheldon: Very well. Oops, how clumsy of me. You know what? Let me get that. Hey. Where are you going? I, did you even look at my bottom?",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Leonard: What are you talking about? ,Dennis: That. ,"Sheldon: Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.",Dennis: Is this part of the tour? ,Sheldon: I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye. ,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. ",Dennis: Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections.,Sheldon: Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye. ","Dennis: You see where you went wrong, don’t you? ","Sheldon: Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Leonard.,"Leonard: Huh, yeah? ","Sheldon: Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Leonard: Not heavy ones. ,Dennis: It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.,"Sheldon: Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? ,Dennis: Have you considered it?,"Sheldon: Would you look at that? The image we gave it was 45% white noise, and it still managed to reconstruct it.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.","Dennis: Wow, you won the Stephenson award.","Sheldon: Okay, fine. Let’s just agree that both creations are special in their own way and it is foolish to try and compare them. Although, we didn’t need to have sex with Howard for ours, so we win.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. ","Dennis: Really, how old?",Sheldon: Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon (dramatically): Uh-uh-uh. ,Leonard: Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.",Howard: Antonio Salieri?,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. ","Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better. ","Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Penny: I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? ",Leonard: You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.,"Sheldon: Aw. Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy’s lab.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. ","Penny: So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is. ","Sheldon: Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Howard: We liked Leonard.,"Leonard: Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?","Sheldon: I understand. She’s the mean one, I’m the fun one.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Penny: You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?","Scene: The same, later that night","Sheldon: What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over. ,Leonard: Great.,"Sheldon: I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. ",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.",Leonard: Great.,"Sheldon: Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.",Leonard: Great. ,Sheldon: Did it work? Are they brain cells yet?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.","Leonard: Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help. ",Sheldon: Thank you. Now yell charge and we can get out of here.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?,Leonard: It would blow up.,Sheldon: You tricked me. You didn’t say one.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Are you sure? ,Leonard: Pretty sure.,"Sheldon: All right, just warn me before you do it.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?","Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully. ","Sheldon: Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Alright.,Leonard: Go away.,"Sheldon: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon (entering): So, this is engineering, huh? ",Howard (into phone): I’ll talk to you later. ,Sheldon: Eating a whole Altoid?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.","Howard: Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.,"Howard: I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.",Sheldon: How much will it hurt?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? ",Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle. ,"Sheldon: Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Really, how does it work?","Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. ","Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? ","Howard: No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf. ",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.","Howard: Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. ",Howard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Exactly.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Yes.,Howard: Go away. ,"Sheldon: What, you’re familiar with the reference?",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that? ,"Howard: No, I thought of it all by myself. ",Sheldon: I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Scene: Raj is exiting his office.,Raj: Go away. (Sheldon exits),Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door. ,"Gablehouser (entering): Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting?","Sheldon: Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.","Gablehouser: Oh, what are you working on?",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. ",Gablehouser: To what end?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. ",Gablehouser: Who will come?,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard?",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: The Jewish people.,Gablehouser: What if they don’t come.,Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I’m facing?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. ","Gablehouser: Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.",Sheldon: That’s my girl. What on earth? What is going on?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon (voice off, sings to a Mexican tune): Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…",Scene: The welcoming party,"Sheldon: I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?",Goldfarb: Go away. ,Sheldon: I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom.,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem. ,Goldfarb: Please go away. ,"Sheldon: Do you know 2001: A Space Odyssey? All right, now that’s soothing.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Leonard: No, we can’t. ",Howard: I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t. ,"Sheldon: I’m not a child, don’t do that.",0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,Sheldon (sarcastically): Welcome Dennis Kim. ,"Gablehouser: Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.",Sheldon: But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?,0
Series 01 Episode 12 – The Jerusalem Duality,"Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)","Leonard: Yeah, we really ruined his life. ","Sheldon: Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There’s going to be a scene depicting Spock’s birth. ",Raj: I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception. ,Sheldon: I hate your apartment.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Howard: Kryptonian villain. Long story.,Raj: Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.) ,"Sheldon: Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Well count me out.,Howard: What? Why?,"Sheldon: Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? ,"Leonard: Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people. ","Sheldon: Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Penny: I want tickets to that please. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you.",Sheldon: But that’s my room.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: The needs of the many.,Howard: Outweigh the needs of the few. ,Sheldon: But that’s my room.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Howard: Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.",Raj: I like it.,Sheldon: But that’s my room.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.",Raj: Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.,"Sheldon: Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Raj: Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. ,Leonard: Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour….,Sheldon: I’m open to the possibility.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. ",Leonard: Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question? ,"Sheldon: Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: I will yield.,"Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?",Sheldon: It’s all right.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today’s physics bowl practice round. I’m Penny, and I’ll be your host, because apparently I didn’t have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn’t that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: How could you lie to me?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start. ","Penny: Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.",Sheldon: Qu’vatlh (Damn it.),0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: I knew that too.,"Penny: Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.",Sheldon: Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?),0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Penny: Right. ,"Howard: Hey, I buzzed in. ","Sheldon: Oh, wait, stop that.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork. ",Howard: Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.,Sheldon: Why are you speaking English?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: Just ask another one.,Penny: Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.),"Sheldon: jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?)",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer. ",Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Why? ,Penny: Because it’s polite.,"Sheldon: Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?,"Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions. ",Sheldon: Interesting. Very interesting.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? ",Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers too. ,"Sheldon: Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Howard: Okay. ,Leonard: maybe we should take a little break.,"Sheldon: Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in. ","Scene: The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.",Sheldon: Are you going to confront Penny?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.","Leonard: Can it wait, I need to talk to you.","Sheldon: No, no, he’s over there.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. ",Leonard: Why do they say AA? ,Sheldon: It’s khoo-vakh. ,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Army Ants. ,Leonard: Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people. ,Sheldon: Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?,"Leonard: No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!","Sheldon: Well, I won’t tolerate deception in my relationship. I have no choice but to confront her.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?","Leonard: Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team. ","Sheldon: Oh. Well, I feel both flattered and hurt. Like when people say I look like that skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: What?,"Leonard: Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting. ","Sheldon: So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: No you didn’t.,"Leonard: Yes we did, I just came from it.",Sheldon: I don’t understand.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. ","Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team. ","Sheldon: Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Why?,Leonard: Because you’re taking all the fun out of it.,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?","Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more. ","Sheldon: Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.",Leonard: Thanks for the heads up. ,Sheldon: I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: I have a feeling you’re still doing it. But I find that topic irresistible, so, now, in ancient Mesopotamia, the king referred to the people as his property.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Penny: Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down. ,"Leonard: So, is that your team.","Sheldon: Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?","Leslie: Hello, Sheldon. ","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Leslie Winkle? ,"Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? ","Sheldon: You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: The Eta Meson.,Gablehouser: Correct. ,Sheldon: I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Formal protest.,Gablehouser: On what grounds?,Sheldon: So?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.,"Gablehouser: Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?","Sheldon: Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Gablehouser: Correct. ,(Time shift),"Sheldon: Thank you for your services, gentlemen. Now, I’m hoping to broaden our audience with your youthful rock and roll music.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: Prevost’s theory of exchanges. ,(Time shift),Sheldon: Buda and Pest united to form Budapest. And that’s why Budapest is the Budabest. Now.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Gablehouser: Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning. ",(Time shift),"Sheldon: So, let’s roll up our sleevis and get to know Nevis. (Drumroll) Well, I, I like that, but next time check with me.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Gablehouser: AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)",Third Floor Janitor: The answer is minus eight by alpha. ,"Sheldon: Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?",Third Floor Janitor: Answering question. Winning physics bowl. ,Sheldon: Who haven’t learned their place yet.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?,"Third Floor Janitor: Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears. ",Sheldon: Hit it.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.",Third Floor Janitor: You didn’t answer question.,Sheldon: And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!","Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer.","Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.,Gablehouser: Then what is it? ,"Sheldon: Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: I want a different question.,Gablehouser: You can’t have a different question. ,"Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Formal protest.,Gablehouser: Denied.,Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Informal protest.,Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer.,Sheldon: Hmm?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.,"Gablehouser: Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct. ","Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Gablehouser: Alright, the winner of the match is…","Leonard: Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team. ",Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable.,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.,"Leonard: Sorry, somebody’s sitting there.",Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Who?,Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! ,"Sheldon: You know, in fact, I’d like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,"Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. ",Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.,"Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Who?,"Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”","Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. ",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Penny: I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?","Sheldon: Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Leonard: How do you know these things?,"Penny: I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?",Sheldon: Oh. Thank you. ,0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: William Shatner.,"Leonard: Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner.","Sheldon: Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I’m glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.",0
Series 01 Episode 13 – The Bat Jar Conjecture,Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. ,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.",Raj: What did they give you?,Sheldon: This is it. You are the practice round.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. ,Leonard: I don’t believe it.,"Sheldon: So until Amy’s apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: It’s only $800?,Leonard: Yeah. And that’s my bid.,"Sheldon: Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab, and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: You bid $800.,"Leonard: It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it. ",Sheldon: She’s learning English from TV.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Raj: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.",Howard: You lucky duck. ,"Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.,Raj: A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?,Sheldon: Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. ,Scene: The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine. ,"Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: Did the listing actually say miniature?,Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?,Sheldon: Don’t get me all randy. Guests are on the way.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator. ,Leonard: Yes but the elevator’s been broken for two years. ,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon. ,"Raj (off): I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up. ",Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.",Raj: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: Uh, just give us a few minutes.","Penny: I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late.","Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. ","Penny: You’re joking, right?","Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Penny: Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof. ","Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind. ","Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up. ,Scene: The living room. The time machine is set up.,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That’s called teamwork.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.,Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned. ,"Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Talk about your chick magnets. ,"Raj: Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!","Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard: You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? ",Raj: He’s got a point.,"Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me?",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. ,Leonard: That sounds fair.,"Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level. ",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? ",Raj: Twice a month.,"Sheldon: I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It, it was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Then no. ,"Raj: Okay, every other month.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. ","Howard: Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.",Sheldon: That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you. Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. ","Leonard: So, when it’s your turn you can.","Sheldon: I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard: And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”","Raj: Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock. ","Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.","Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?",Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Leonard: Sorry.,"Penny: Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…","Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?","Penny: No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…","Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Again, time machine. ","Penny: Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.","Sheldon: I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Raj: My turn! ,"Scene: Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.","Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning. ",Leonard: So?,Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?,Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.,"Sheldon: I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. ",Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?,"Sheldon: Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. ",Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now? ,"Sheldon: I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: It won’t change the past. ,Leonard: But it would make the present so much nicer. ,Sheldon: You are truly wise.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Are you upset about something? ,Leonard: What was your first clue?,"Sheldon: Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…",Leonard: Yes I’m upset. ,"Sheldon: No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. ,"Leonard: Yeah, good for you. ","Sheldon: Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, hubba hubba, like any other guy.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? ",Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.,"Sheldon: Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Wow, I’m on fire tonight. ","Leonard: Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines. ","Sheldon: If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.,Leonard: Thanks for pointing it out.,Sheldon: Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat?,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. ",Leonard: Those are movies.,Sheldon: I know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Leonard: Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.","Penny: Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)","Sheldon: Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: It’s still my turn.,Scene: The living room. ,Sheldon: She’s always complaining about people at work.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: What are you doing?,Leonard: I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell. ,"Sheldon: When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto ",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Why?,Leonard: Just… personal reasons. ,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.,"Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Well you can’t just call dibs.,"Raj: I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.","Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Howard: Will you forget dibs! ,Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.,"Sheldon: Don’t blame me. Blame your pal, biology. He’s the pervert pulling the strings here.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it. ","Raj: I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees. ","Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard (on phone): Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. ","Leonard: Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.",Sheldon: I think we should see other people.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Howard: Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here. ",Penny (coming out of her flat): What the hell’s going on? ,Sheldon: Well I’m open to that.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: You hypocrite!,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, look who’s in favour of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.",0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Leonard (after a long pause): My turn on the time machine. ,"Scene: A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701. ",Sheldon: I can if you’d just roll over and accept your fate.,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.) ","Leonard: Sheldon, are you okay? ",Sheldon: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine. ,"Leonard: It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?",Sheldon: Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad?,0
Series 01 Episode 14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation,"Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. ","Leonard: I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)",Sheldon: Great.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. ","Girl: Well, that should do it.",Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.,"Leonard: Oh, hey buddy. ","Sheldon: For science, maybe you should.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Buddy.,"Howard: Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.","Sheldon: Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. ","Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us? ","Sheldon: Whoa, whoa! Now you’re making fun of my bona fides?",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. ",Leonard: Excuse me?,Sheldon: How dare you?,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.","Missy: It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly.",Sheldon: If the lab room disposable shoe cover fits.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. ","Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)","Sheldon: Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. ",Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.,"Sheldon: Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.",Missy: I guess that’s why they call you a genius. ,Sheldon: How? You had the whole floor to yourself.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Leonard: If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? ","Missy: Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day. ",Sheldon: Really? I slept great.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. ","Leonard: Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room.","Sheldon: Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: No we don’t.,"Howard: Come on, Shelly, she’s family.",Sheldon: Who are you calling? Aaargh!,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.,Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.,Sheldon: What are you doing down there?,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Leonard: So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.,"Howard: I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right? ","Sheldon: No, Dr. Feynman. If I solve it for you, you’ll never learn.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Missy: So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.","Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic. ","Sheldon: Okay, well, I am sorry. I’m just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat, I’m surprised there aren’t iguanas lying on it.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. ,Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.,"Sheldon: Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? ",Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Penny: Wow, you don’t look that much alike.",Howard: Can I get a hallelujah. ,Sheldon: Be grateful I’m still in the room.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. ","Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?",Sheldon: Although now I’m kind of worried someone’s hiding behind those drapes.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Howard: So I can have Penny?,"Leonard: Hell, no! ",Sheldon: I suppose that works.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? ","Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?","Sheldon: Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.",Leonard: Thank you. ,"Sheldon: Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?","Sheldon: No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. ","Leonard: That’s fascinating, but I…","Sheldon: Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.","Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister. ","Sheldon: Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. ","Leonard: That’s great, but I….","Sheldon: Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.,Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it.,"Sheldon: No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Why?,Leonard: Because she’s your sister. ,Sheldon: Which side of the bed would you prefer?,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. ","Leonard: Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate. ",Sheldon: I guess the experiment begins.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.,Leonard: Uh-huh. ,Sheldon: Oh. Bye.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. ","Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring. ","Sheldon: Leonard, please, let me go.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman! ","Howard: I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp. ","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Howard: Who are you to decide that?,"Leonard: He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.","Sheldon: You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.",Leonard: Say what?,Sheldon: I guess this is it.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about?","Raj: I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)",Sheldon: It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Leonard: We all make mistakes, let’s move on. ","Raj: Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here. ",Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: How so?,Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte. ,Sheldon: I know. They probably shouldn’t sell those to children.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Raj (waving finger at him): I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.),"Howard: Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.","Sheldon: This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. ","Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable. ",Sheldon: You’re really okay with that?,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. ,Missy (who has just entered): Oh really? ,"Sheldon: Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. ",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Oops. ,"Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone? ",Sheldon: Okay. Talk.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,Missy: Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? ,"Sheldon: Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.",Missy: What on earth are you talking about? ,Sheldon: You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. ","Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock? ",Sheldon: How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move?,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. ",Missy: Sheldon 2.0?,"Sheldon: You know, Leonard and I were very happy before you came along.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.",Missy: You have got to be kidding me! ,"Sheldon: Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. ,"Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people. ","Sheldon: Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. ","Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.) ",Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal. ,Missy: Go on.,"Sheldon: Well, now, don’t be surprised if, like Star Trek, it’s cancelled in three.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. ","Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area. ",Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Howard: Come on, come on, get up. ","Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.",Sheldon: Very well. I’m on board.,0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending. ,Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?,"Sheldon: You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. ","Missy: Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey.","Sheldon: Historically, I don’t do well with change.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,"Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)","Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.","Sheldon: Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: Really?,"Missy: Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist. ","Sheldon: Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste. ",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?,Missy: Well yeah.,"Sheldon: Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.,Missy: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it.",0
Series 01 Episode 15 – The Porkchop Indeterminacy,Sheldon: What’s the difference?,Missy: Goodbye Shelly.,Sheldon: Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Howard: It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport. ,"Penny: Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…","Sheldon: Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Raj: Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. ","Penny: So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?",Sheldon: I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. ","Penny: Okay, he can have carrot cake.",Sheldon: Cohabitation with my girlfriend? That’s a great deal to process.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Leonard: Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? ","Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.",Sheldon: Why are you all smiling like crazy people?,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Leonard: No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.","Penny: Uh, that’s so silly.","Sheldon: We, we really appreciate it.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. ","Penny: What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?” ",Sheldon: The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon (answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left.,Penny: I know. I want to talk to you. ,"Sheldon: He said start with it, not end with it.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. ","Penny: Okay, can you just let me in.",Sheldon: But what if we can’t?,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.","Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.",Sheldon: I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Penny: Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. ","Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend? ","Sheldon: No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. ,Penny: Anguish?,Sheldon: I can’t.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. ","Penny: Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party. ",Sheldon: You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. ",Penny: Nevertheless we are….,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…,"Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink. ","Sheldon: Howard, can I ask you a question?",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.","Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?","Sheldon: Leonard, can I ask you a question?",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.","Scene: Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door. ",Sheldon: I thought I didn’t have a problem.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)",Howard: What difference does it make?,Sheldon: With what?,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Penny: Is that Raj and Howard?,Howard: Can you just let us in.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I do.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Howard: Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly. ","Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.",Sheldon: I do.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Penny: Well why not? ,Howard: Don’t ask.,"Sheldon: Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.,Howard: Too late.,Sheldon: You guys stink.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Howard: Told you not to ask. ,"Penny: Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.","Sheldon: Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Howard: Just do it. ,Penny: It’s a non-optional social convention.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Yes, of course.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough. ,Howard: He came with a manual. ,"Sheldon: You want to bet? Oh, great, now I’m addicted to gambling.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Scene: An electrical store.,"Penny: Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.","Sheldon: No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. ","Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.",Sheldon: That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater? ","Penny: Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print. ",Sheldon: I want another one.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.,"Penny: Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them. ","Sheldon: No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.",Penny: Exactly.,Sheldon: My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Leonard (running in): Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) ",Scene: The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fantastic, never been better. I had my first energy drink and I feel great. Hey, you guys want to wrestle? We can do arm, thumb, mud, sumo. Nah, we’re not fat enough, or wearing diapers.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: What do you think.,"Penny (pointing randomly): Um, that one. ","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: The first one’s free? Flash, how do you stay in business?",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch ","Penny: Oh, okay then this one. ",Sheldon: I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Why? ,"Penny: I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy. ",Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. ","Penny: Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma? ","Sheldon: I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. ",Penny: Of course.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. ",Penny: No? ,"Sheldon: Huh, what?",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? ,Penny: All of them.,Sheldon: I won’t be there.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Really?,Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh, that was never happening.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: Huh? ,"Penny: Okay, so we’re getting this one?","Sheldon: Ow, it does hurt.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Penny: Okay, let’s go.","Random woman: Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff? ",Sheldon: I had a bad dream that my best friend became a tyrant and forced me to stay up all night to work.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Woman: Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. ","Penny: Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available. ",Sheldon: Fine. (Time passing montage) I don’t think I can go much longer.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Woman: Thank you. ,"Random guy: Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?",Sheldon: And look how irritable it’s making you!,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.,Guy: I drive a Chevy Cavalier.,Sheldon: What? You have some coffee.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.","Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.",Sheldon: One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Howard: Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)",Scene: The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer. ,Sheldon: How late?,0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him.","Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here. ","Sheldon: I know, I was there.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. ","Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.","Sheldon: It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all.",0
Series 01 Episode 16 – The Peanut Reaction,"Sheldon (to customer): Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. ",Penny: Keep walking.,"Sheldon: Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,,Scene: The apartment living room,Sheldon: Impressive.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.,"Howard: No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)",Sheldon: Why? It clearly doesn’t work.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.),Howard: What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.),"Sheldon: The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.,Howard: Well it’s not.,Sheldon: I never realized this building was classified.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. ,"Howard: You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.","Sheldon: See, that’s exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Howard: Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. ,Leonard (entering): Hey! ,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.,Howard: You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey. ,"Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. ",Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?,Sheldon: Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Leonard: What’s going on?,"Penny: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)","Sheldon: Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Penny: GO AWAY!,"Leonard: Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk. ","Sheldon: Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Howard: Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. ","Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Howard.",Sheldon: They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.,Leonard: What about “damsel in distress?”,"Sheldon: Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Leonard: Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend. ",Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people. ","Howard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Leonard: She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!","Howard: Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it. ","Sheldon: Yeah, we’ll do it in two. Hi. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I’m the actual brains behind this project. Also, engineers aren’t real scientists, MIT’s a trade school, and the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. But otherwise, thank you for your service.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. ",Leonard: Just eat your tangerine chicken. ,Sheldon: (Strangled sound) ,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Leonard: Yeah. That’s the spirit. ,Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod.,Sheldon: Fine. Ooh. Can I use text-to-speech software?,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon (jumping in panic): Aieee ya! Xia si wo le. ,"Penny: I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second.",Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear? ,Penny: I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.,Sheldon: Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?,"Penny: Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting. ",Sheldon: I don’t understand why I can’t talk at this meeting.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is. ","Penny: All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best. ",Sheldon: You don’t need him. I’ll represent you.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)","Penny: Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment. ","Sheldon: All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: We’re not done? ,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. ","Penny: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out. ",Sheldon: That’s what you said.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. ","Penny: Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down? ","Sheldon: Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. ","Penny: Well, choose.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.","Penny: Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time. ",Sheldon: I don’t see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. ","Penny: Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…","Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. ","Penny: Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are…",Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…,"Penny: Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.","Sheldon: We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. ",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? ,"Penny: No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well. ","Sheldon: Okay, Howard’s on board. What do you think, Leonard?",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! ","Penny: But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years. ","Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. ",Penny: Thank you for the clarification. ,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.","Penny: Right, thanks.",Sheldon: That doesn’t sound terrifying.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.,Penny: Not the first one I’ve made today. ,"Sheldon: Oh, what did he say?",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat. ,"Penny: Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about. ","Sheldon: Well, he doesn’t say it’s a good game.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. ",Penny: Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A?,Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we’re all just characters in some advanced civilization’s video game.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…",Penny: Sheldon! ,Sheldon: Yes ma’am.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. ","Penny: I’m sorry, I don’t get the point. ","Sheldon: What, you’re not my mother.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.","Penny: Sheldon, what’s the point? ","Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. ","Penny: Okay, so you’re saying I should go out with Leonard. ",Sheldon: Yes ma’am.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon (to two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats): Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you) ,"Leonard: Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake. ",Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.","Leonard: No, it’s about Penny.","Sheldon: Leonard, you and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don’t always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you. ",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. ",Leonard: I don’t think I can go out with her tonight. ,"Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Then don’t.,Leonard: Other people would say “why not?” ,"Sheldon: Speaking of love, STDs among the elderly are skyrocketing.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Other people might be interested. ,Leonard: I’m going to talk anyway.,Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?,0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: I assumed you would. ,"Leonard: Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous. ","Sheldon: Hey, hey. She’s mine, take a cold shower, grandpa.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. ",Leonard: Right.,"Sheldon: Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. ","Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it. ","Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. ",Leonard: You’re not helping. ,"Sheldon: Great, now I have to start all over.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,"Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?",Leonard: Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.",0
Series 01 Episode 17 – The Tangerine Factor,Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.,"Leonard: Wow, that’s brilliant.",Sheldon: But why should you get to go and leave me here with your bickering parents?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?","Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?","Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date.","Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it. ","Sheldon: What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard: Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.","Raj: Nice close up, by the way. ",Sheldon: What? In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can’t be the only one that knows that’s halfway.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. ",Leonard: That’s not a bad sign.,Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You’re kind of a sucker.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts. ,Penny (entering): Hi.,Sheldon: Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates. ",Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks. ,Sheldon: Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? ","Penny: Sheldon, may I ask you a question? ","Sheldon: So, did you defile my mother or not?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. ","Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl. ",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. ,"Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac? ","Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. ",Penny: How is that not a braniac? ,"Sheldon: You know, also, if they did have coitus, we’ll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. ","Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me. ",Sheldon: And turned their phones off.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: That depends.,Penny: On what? ,"Sheldon: Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? ,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon? ,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?,"Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college. ","Sheldon: Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?,"Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser. ",Sheldon: It was nice of her to show us playing dumb with an example.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? ,"Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates. ","Sheldon: Hey, if you want me to sleep you’re gonna have to stop talking.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither. ","Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this. ",Sheldon: Very well.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?,Penny: Yeah. ,Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. ",Penny: What? ,Sheldon: Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. ","Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment. ",Sheldon: I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.,"Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend. ",Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?,"Penny: Well, yeah. ",Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? ",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: I don’t like this at all.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I.e, I couldn’t become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.",Leonard: You could be Batman?,Sheldon: She’s still not answering.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Penny: You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.","Leonard: Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?",Sheldon: I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) ",Leonard (chasing him): What does that mean?,"Sheldon: See, that’s funny because…",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.,Leonard: No I didn’t.,"Sheldon: That’s funny, because my father was not a very clever man.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. ",Leonard: What’s going on with you?,"Sheldon: If I’d known you were broke, I wouldn’t have made a big deal about the bread.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) ,Leonard: What’s wrong with your face? ,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. They’re filling up on bread and ruining their meal.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.",Leonard: What? ,"Sheldon: Don’t laugh, she wasn’t joking.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath. ,"Penny: Sheldon, I’m working.",Sheldon: I’m not sorry. That’s true.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.,"Penny: Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?",Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. ","Penny: Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?",Sheldon: Mom.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon (entering): Leonard, I’m moving out. ","Leonard: What do you mean, you’re moving out? Why? ","Sheldon: All right, now I’m starting to sense a little tension.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: There doesn’t have to be a reason. ,"Leonard: Yeah, there kind of does.",Sheldon: Dr. Hofstadter.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. ",Leonard: I’m still confused.,Sheldon: Isn’t this nice?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.,Howard: And some of those skinless chicks were hot. ,"Sheldon: I don’t know what we were worried about, they’re getting along great.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Raj: Well, we all knew this day was coming. ",Leonard: That was fast. ,"Sheldon: Mother, she’s an atheist, not a vampire.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. ,Leonard: Where are you gonna live? ,"Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonard’s mother’s already here.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Howard: Bye (runs out.) ,"Raj: Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment. ","Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? ",Raj: I hate trains. ,"Sheldon: Well, actually, I…",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Leonard: This could work. ,Scene: Raj’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: This is a very old building. ,Raj: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory. ,"Sheldon: You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,Raj: What? ,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re welcome.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?,Raj: Not until now. ,"Sheldon: Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. ","Raj: Well, if you’re not comfortable staying here, Sheldon…",Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon (referring to Bollywood singing on television): Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?,"Raj: Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress.","Sheldon: Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. ",Raj: How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.,"Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Howard: Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire? ,"Scene: Howard’s bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor.","Sheldon: No, I could’ve done more.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever. ,Howard: Maybe you’d be happier on a park bench? ,"Sheldon: No, I can’t. This isn’t right.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.,Howard: Do you want to switch?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. ","Howard: Get out of bed, we’re switching.",Sheldon: I most certainly did not.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Howard’s mother: If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. ","Howard: For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?","Sheldon: Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. ,Howard: So don’t look at it.,"Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.,Howard: No kidding?,"Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. ",Howard: What about Lee Meriwether?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.",Howard: Well I’m glad that’s settled. ,"Sheldon: They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government?",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…","Howard: Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep.",Sheldon: What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.",Howard: Oh for God’s sake.,Sheldon: Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade. And my slogan was a line that’s straight is a line that’s great.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. There is an urgent rapping at the door.,"Leonard: I’m coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)",Sheldon: You need to go to the back of the line.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Leonard: What’s with him?,"Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it. ","Sheldon: Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!,Leonard: I still don’t know why you left.,"Sheldon: Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,Leonard: Why not.,Sheldon: Excuse me.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I promised Penny. ,Leonard: You promised Penny what? ,Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!,Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret. ,Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. ","Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.",Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!,"Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.","Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,"Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. ",Leonard: I promise. ,Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.,0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. ,Leonard: So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem? ,"Sheldon: It went well. Yeah, I’ve learned that if you never say you’re sorry, the times you do really puts them on their heels. Uh, Stuart, I relieve you of your line duties.",0
Series 02 Episode 01 – The Bad Fish Paradigm,Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny. ,"Leonard: Penny thinks I’m too smart for her, that’s ridiculous. ",Sheldon: I’m back.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,,"Scene: The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight.","Sheldon: Oh, thanks, you’re a peach. Beverly, we’ll catch up soon. Bernadette, it was a pleasure as always, Penny, you have spinach in your teeth.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever.,"Leonard: Please let it go, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.",Leonard: You’re nitpicking.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.,Howard: Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.,Sheldon: You’re a good man.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Howard: I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.",Penny (arriving with a man in tow): Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.,Sheldon: You would do that?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.","Raj: By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?","Sheldon: I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.","Leonard: Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.","Sheldon: Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You’re wearing modern underwear?,"Leonard: Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?",Sheldon: Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.,Leonard: You went out and bought linen?,Sheldon: Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Raj: Who were you respecting then?,"Leonard: What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.","Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.",Raj: What about Leslie Winkle.,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh no.,Raj: Why?,"Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Raj: I think she’s smoking hot.,Howard: I’d hit that.,Sheldon: Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Raj: I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!",Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?,Leonard: How?,"Sheldon: You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Hey, Leslie.","Leslie: Hey, dummy.",Sheldon: You’re really going without me?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leslie: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.","Leonard: Uh, sure.","Sheldon: Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Leslie: Great. Call me.,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.,Leonard: Terrific.,Sheldon: Creepy old dude from Dancing with the Stars.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.",Leonard: I kind of have other plans tonight.,"Sheldon: Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.","Leonard: Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over.","Sheldon: All right, back to learning.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over.",Sheldon: She can cover it in a car ride? I could do 40 minutes on your posture alone.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.","Leonard: Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date?",Sheldon: Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking…","Leonard: Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, who is Mike Drop?",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?","Leonard: You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy?","Sheldon: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Khloe?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.","Leonard: I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.",Sheldon: Yes. Kardashian.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Scene: The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs.,Penny: Sheldon? What are you doing?,Sheldon: Taylor Swift.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.,"Penny: Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs?",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.","Penny: Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?","Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Alone?,"Penny: Yeah, why not?","Sheldon: No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.",Penny: Well then don’t order popcorn.,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.,Penny: Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop.,"Sheldon: Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,Penny: They have other things.,Sheldon: Morning.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: What do they have?,"Penny: I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries…","Sheldon: Well, mind you now, that offer’s only good until the third trimester. I can’t risk getting amniotic fluid on my spot.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws?,"Penny: Yeah, sure.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I don’t like bearclaws.,Leslie (entering): Heya Penny. Dumbass.,"Sheldon: I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?","Penny: Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.","Sheldon: Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.,"Penny: Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya.","Sheldon: Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon (preparing an extension cord): Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.),"Leonard: Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?","Sheldon: Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Penny: Had a great time, ciao (closes door.)",Scene: The university lunch room.,Sheldon: Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.","Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.",Sheldon: The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.,"Raj: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.",Sheldon: He wants to see I.D.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You mean like Spock?,Raj: Sure.,Sheldon: What do you do?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.","Howard: Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)","Sheldon: You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.",Leonard: Don’t make this hard for me.,"Sheldon: I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Scene: The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Penny.,"Penny: Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.",Sheldon: Ready?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?",Penny: Goodnight Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?",Penny: Excuse me?,Sheldon: You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?,"Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?","Sheldon: And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.,Penny: Your arch enemy?,"Sheldon: Well, other than when they’re chugging through your bowels, these things are magic.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.","Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.","Sheldon: What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.","Penny: Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me.","Sheldon: When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.","Penny: Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: She called me dumbass.,Penny: I know. I heard.,Sheldon: You get where I’m going here?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.","Penny: Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.",Sheldon: Melba toast?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me.","Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know…",Sheldon: Cinnamon toast?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.,Penny: Are you going to let me talk?,Sheldon: You’ve heard of French toast?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,"Penny: You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.","Sheldon: Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.,"Penny: Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.","Sheldon: Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?",Penny: Because love trumps hate.,"Sheldon: Boy, do I love restrictions.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Oh now you’re just making stuff up.,Penny: Okay. Goodnight Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon (entering): When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I’d like to have a word.,"Leonard: If the word is pee-pee, just do it.","Sheldon: Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.",Leslie: Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.,"Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Sheldon: I’m listening, amuse me.","Leslie: Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours.",Sheldon: Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leslie: No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)","Leonard: Sheldon, don’t make that noise, it’s disrespectful.","Sheldon: Eh, maybe it’s your voice. I’m gonna see if I can get James Earl Jones to do it in post.",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Wait, where are you going?","Leslie: I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)",Sheldon: Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Sheldon: Look on the bright side.,Leonard: What’s the bright side?,Sheldon: I am going to record this for posterity.,0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,Leonard: Oh yeah.,Scene: The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder.,"Sheldon: You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?",0
Series 02 Episode 02 – The Codpiece Topology,"Leonard: Yeah, that’s great, you guys want corn dogs?",Howard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,,"Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.","Sheldon: Oh, but I won’t be there.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?","Penny: Yes, I can’t get my stupid door open.","Sheldon: Well, little lady, you’ve heard of party hearty, get ready to party hardly.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?",Penny: Yeah!,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) ,"Penny: Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.","Sheldon: Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?,Penny: I can’t get the damned key out.,"Sheldon: Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.","Penny: Thankyou, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I shouldn’t have to see my girlfriend get groped in public by another man.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?","Penny: Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?","Sheldon: Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….","Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.","Sheldon: I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.","Penny (picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again): Oh, sonofabitch!","Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.","Penny: I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here.",Sheldon: I’ll be back.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?,Penny: No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.),"Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?,"Penny: No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.",Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) ,Penny: For God’s sake! (Stomps into apartment.),"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Credits sequence.,Scene: Inside the apartment.,"Sheldon: They don’t wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You’re thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.,Penny: Sheldor?,"Sheldon: Well, the important thing is I said that big sandwich would ruin everything, and I was right.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: The Conqueror.,Penny: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Fair enough.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.",Penny: Oh.,Sheldon: Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.",Penny: What’s AFK?,Sheldon: Now it’s a fun fact.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.,Penny: OIC.,Sheldon: I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: What does that stand for?,"Penny: Oh, I see?","Sheldon: Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?","Scene: The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.","Sheldon: Well, I’ll catch you up. Uh, Penny is angry at Leonard, Leonard’s angry at me and Penny, I’m angry at Leonard and Amy, Raj is angry at Howard, and I’m angry at George R.R. Martin ’cause there are no new books for me to spoil for Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.,"Penny: Oh, I don’t know. Can I see them in another colour?",Sheldon: She did.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.,"Penny: Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?","Sheldon: It’s not always because they die. In one case, it’s because they’ve become involved with underground tree people from the dawn of time. Yeah, but I won’t say who it is. It’s Brann.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.","Penny: Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?",Sheldon: Gladly.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.",Leonard: Want to catch me up?,"Sheldon: Hmm, what do you think?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?","Penny: Oh my God, a treasure chest, I’m rich!",Sheldon: No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Penny (entering, carrying a laptop): Hi!","Leonard: Hey, check it out, it’s just corn starch and water.",Sheldon: Wait. You were pretending?,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.","Penny: Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.",Sheldon: I love Lisa Simpson.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?,"Penny: No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger.","Sheldon: Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.","Penny: Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?","Sheldon: Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?",Penny: Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?,"Sheldon: Yeah, Amy, just one second. Meeting.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)","Penny: Thank you, I really appreciate this.","Sheldon: Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?,"Leonard: No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.","Penny: Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).",Sheldon: All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.,Penny (whispering): Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.,"Sheldon: Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Danger, danger.","Penny: No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. Theon Greyjoy looks pretty good for a guy who had his genitals cut off.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: You’re in my bedroom.,Penny: Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.,Sheldon: Are you up-to-date on Game of Thrones?,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: People can’t be in my bedroom.,"Penny: Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?","Sheldon: You keep talking like that, you’re gonna make colour guard.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.,Penny: Why not?,"Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. Tomorrow’s picture day.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.,"Penny: Well, wear different pyjamas.","Sheldon: There’s a motion on the floor, I’m ridiculous. Do we have a second? Hmm? Hmm? There is no second. The motion is denied. Next time, make sure you have the votes first. That was embarrassing.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.","Penny: Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?","Sheldon: Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?,"Penny: Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.","Sheldon: Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Scene: Dr Gablehauser’s office. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk. ,"Gablehauser: People, I am very busy today.",Sheldon: He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leslie: Dr Dumbass.,"Gablehauser: Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises.","Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see about that.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: No she doesn’t.,Leslie: No I don’t.,"Sheldon: And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.",Leslie: It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.,Sheldon: You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!",Gablehauser: You need to get that Dr Cooper?,"Sheldon: Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: God, no.","Leslie: Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.","Sheldon: Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…",Gablehauser (as phone rings): Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It’s for you.,"Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leslie: Dumbass.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.,"Sheldon: Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.","Leonard: Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.","Sheldon: What, why did you get a party sub?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.",Leonard: Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone.,"Sheldon: Oh, I haven’t asked it yet.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.","Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do?","Sheldon: Well, isn’t Man-Man just Man?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.","Leonard: You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?","Sheldon: I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Man-bat is a part man, part bat hybrid. Now, if Man-Bat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Man-Batman?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Raj: Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.","Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.",Sheldon: Oh. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Danger, danger.",Leslie (arriving): Afternoon men. Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.","Leslie: Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.","Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leslie: I’m not touching that.,"Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here.","Sheldon: Oh, never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.",Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.,Sheldon: I’m calling it. I won.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Howard: I’ll take the bullet.,"Leonard: Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.","Sheldon: All right, my turn. Mm. Oh, I know. Never have I ever kept a secret bank account, because I think my wife can’t handle money. Did I win? I feel like I won.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?",Man: No.,Sheldon: Amy.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Man: Uh, sure, why not?",Leonard: Sheldon…,"Sheldon: Oh, and how.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?,"Man: Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)","Sheldon: No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.,"Penny: Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.","Sheldon: No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.,Penny: Got it.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?",Penny: 22.,Sheldon: I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)","Penny: Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?",Sheldon: Got it.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?,"Penny: I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies.",Sheldon: So I drink.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Frenzy stance.,"Penny: Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!","Sheldon: Hey, now, wait. Have we started? Do I drink? What is happening?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, well now, we’ll never win. You always play the drinking game.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.,"Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!",Sheldon: That would maximize oxygen for optimal combustion.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?",Penny: That’s on the registration?,"Sheldon: Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.","Penny: Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.","Sheldon: Oh, not our hike, now we have to stay safe and warm.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Leonard: Hello.,Man: Hi.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, suit yourself. Who wants to check me?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.",Leonard: Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.",Leonard: Chosen by science?,Sheldon: Once. The battery ran out on my phone. I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.",Leonard: You got Penny to sign up for online dating?,"Sheldon: Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.",Leonard: This is bad.,Sheldon: Thanks.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,"Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.","Leonard: Really, really bad.",Sheldon: I’m ready to go.,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.,"Penny (entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed): Sheldon, what do you want.","Sheldon: Well done, it worked, we’re going.",0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Tom: Hi Penny.,"Penny: Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.",Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?,0
Series 02 Episode 03 – The Barbarian Sublimation,Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.,"Penny: No, no, no, no, I need you now.","Sheldon: I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Penny: What do you have….,Leonard and Howard together: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Here, look up fun, get back to me.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.,Leonard and Howard: O-o-o-oh!,"Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry, when did you even get here? I…",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Penny: I thought the blowers were more sanitary?,Leonard and Howard: Why? Don’t!,Sheldon: Oh. Do not sneak up on a guy when he’s sitting on a log.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.","Leonard and Howard together: Well, wow, that’s incredible.",Sheldon: You may need this more than I do.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?",Raj: Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.,"Sheldon: Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.",Raj: It’s a lease.,Sheldon: Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?,Raj: Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me.,"Sheldon: Well, how would I know?",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: What people?,Raj: The people from People.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.",Leonard: Are you proud of yourself?,"Sheldon: I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making annotations on his board.,"Sheldon: It’s nice to get back to nature. Why don’t I do this more often? What a beautiful forest. Hello, little butterfly. What’s your Na-oh!",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?",Leonard (entering with Howard): Hi Sheldon.,Sheldon: I know.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.","Leonard: Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner.",Sheldon: But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Apologise, for what?","Leonard: Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.","Sheldon: Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I sense you’re trying to tell me something.,Howard: You were a colossal ass-hat.,"Sheldon: You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.","Leonard: Really, do tell.","Sheldon: Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.","Leonard: Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?",Sheldon: I’m glad I told you about the storage unit.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I had not considered that.,Leonard: Come on.,Sheldon: Thanks.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Scene: Outside Raj’s office.,"Leonard: And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.","Sheldon: Actually, yes. I do.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: But I’m not.,"Howard: Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.",Sheldon: I will always have the dent to remember it by.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Leonard: Dr Gablehauser.,Gablehauser: Dr Hoffstadter.,Sheldon: I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.","Gablehauser: I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.",Sheldon: Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.",Leonard: Sheldon!,Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Gablehauser: Done.,"Howard: Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.",Sheldon: Only you.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?",Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)",Leonard: You can stop smiling now.,Sheldon: Like what?,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Leonard: No.,"Raj: It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.","Sheldon: Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Leonard: A lackey?,"Raj: Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.","Sheldon: Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.","Raj: Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.",Sheldon: It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Leonard: Well, uh, no I… the… no.",Raj: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Raj: Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.","Penny: And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?","Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Penny: Shame on you guys. (Leaves),Raj: Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.,"Sheldon: Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.",Leonard: Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.,"Sheldon: In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Just wait.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Just wait.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: You’re welcome.,"Sheldon: No, I meant turn right, and you missed it. Maybe you do need to know.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: What took you so long?,Leonard: Just sit down and eat.,Sheldon: Right.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.),"Leonard: Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do?","Sheldon: Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: I want you to check before you accept the order.,Leonard: Sorry.,Sheldon: And I’m gonna need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?,Leonard: He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny.,Sheldon: We’d have to take your car.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.","Howard: Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.",Sheldon: It might be easier to show you.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.",Leonard: Do the shrimpers feature in your story?,"Sheldon: I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.",Howard: Lucky?,Sheldon: Can we please change the subject?,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Leonard: He’s irony impaired, just move on.","Howard: Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.","Sheldon: Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.","Howard: So, not a puppy?","Sheldon: Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.",Leonard: A griffin?,Sheldon: Oh. I am.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.",Leonard: And mythological.,Sheldon: But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.","Howard: Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.","Sheldon: Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Sheldon: My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.",Leonard: You want to breed a new friend?,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.",0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Howard: Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.","Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people.",Sheldon: You wouldn’t.,0
Series 02 Episode 04 – The Griffin Equivalency,"Leonard: If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.","Howard: And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.","Sheldon: I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,,"Scene: The apartment. Leonard enters, drops his keys in the bowl by the door, then collapses onto the settee. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, he does know his stuff.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard.",Leonard: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.",Leonard: I’m not going to work.,Sheldon: Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.","Leonard: Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.","Sheldon: Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let’s go.,"Leonard: Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements.",Sheldon: How could you do that?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: You did.,Leonard: And?,Sheldon: Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I didn’t. Let’s go.,"Leonard: Goodnight, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You got emotional when that lab monkey died.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: But how am I going to get to work?,Leonard: Take the bus.,Sheldon: You’re too late.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.,Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?,Sheldon: What? (Answering phone) Hello?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.","Leonard: Oh, you’re a big boy, you’ll figure it out.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment., ,Sheldon: The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…","Penny (opening door): Sheldon, what is it?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Leonard’s asleep.,Penny: Thanks for the update (begins to close door.),"Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, wait. You have to drive me to work.","Penny: Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do.","Sheldon: So, is that a yes?",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.","Penny: Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay?","Sheldon: Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?,"Penny: Yes, Sheldon, we are friends.","Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.,"Penny: Oh, dear God.",Sheldon: What? I didn’t sign it yet.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative, ,Scene: Inside Penny’s car.,Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.,"Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.",Penny: Mm-hmm.,Sheldon: You’re tying my hands here.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.","Penny: It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month.",Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.","Penny: Sheldon, it’s fine.","Sheldon: The, the revisions I made start on page four.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.","Penny: Uh, maybe the light’s broken.","Sheldon: I’ll add it right now. Oh, baby, it’s addendum time.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.",Penny: Do you have any alcohol?,"Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Of course not.,Penny: Too bad.,"Sheldon: No, I am not saying that, because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: You’re going up Euclid Avenue?,Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Sheldon: Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.,"Penny: Well, good for Leonard.",Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: I wonder what they’re talking about.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?",Penny: How about we just have a little quiet time now?,"Sheldon: Okay, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.",Penny (Pulling over): Get out.,"Sheldon: If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.","Penny: I said, get out.","Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon enters. , ,Sheldon: Excuse me. I’ve been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn’t need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don’t need one now.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I’m ready to go home.",Leonard: I just got here.,Sheldon: You bet I did.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.","Leonard: Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks.","Sheldon: I’ll say it looks good. It’s in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Leonard: Howard, help me out here.","Howard: No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side.",Sheldon: So stipulated.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?",Leonard: How did you get here in the first place?,Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who…,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Scene: Howard’s motor scooter. Howard is driving, Sheldon is on the back clutching him for dear life and screaming. ", ,"Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative, ,Raj: Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road anyway?,Sheldon: I’m fine with that.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.,Raj: Over what?,"Sheldon: To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?",Raj: I’m taking you home.,"Sheldon: Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.",Raj: I have a better idea.,Sheldon: Couple of questions about the plaque.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Scene: Penny’s apartment, she opens the door, Sheldon is stood outside with his Star Wars sheets.", ,"Sheldon: Well, that’s not fair. We should all get plaques.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters from the bedroom area. Everyone else is present., ,Sheldon: I know when I’m beat.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,All: Good morning.,"Leonard: Sheldon, sit down.",Sheldon: That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.","Leonard: So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.",Sheldon: Get a load of this guy.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Howard: This madness has to stop.,"Leonard: Penny’s taking you to the DMV, I’m going to bed.",Sheldon: That’s great.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight.","Penny: All right, come on Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re an engineer. End of joke, burn.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Hold on, I have one condition.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: We have to stop at Pottery Barn.,Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they’re just extremely irritating.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: And Radio Shack.,Penny: Fine.,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re singing. Well, I’m sorry.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: The DMV., ,Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Howard: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.","Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?",Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.,Penny: Doing what?,"Sheldon: Thank you. That, that was wonderful.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: Well, how ’bout when you were 17?","DMV Lady (to the person ahead of Sheldon in the queue): Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application?",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I’m actually more of a theorist.,"Howard: The application in your hand, give it to her.","Sheldon: Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Oh.,"DMV Lady: Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next!","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.",DMV Lady: Look at that sign up there.,Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Yes?,DMV Lady: Does it say I give a damn?,"Sheldon: That’s how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he’s famous and you’re not.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: No.,DMV Lady: That’s because I don’t.,"Sheldon: Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,DMV Lady: Look at the sign.,"Penny: Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C.","Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: I don’t need your help, Penny.","DMV Lady: Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next!","Sheldon: Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.","Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?","Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.",DMV Lady: Here’s your learner’s permit. Go away.,"Sheldon: Well, everyone will think I’m weird.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: Come on, let’s go.",DMV Lady: Next!,"Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Leonard: Booting.,Howard: This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.,Sheldon: I don’t think I can go back out there.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?",Howard: I haven’t configured it yet. Let’s see… Bradley tank… transport truck…  Batmobile…,Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon (sucking in breath): Hmmmm?,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.","Howard: Fine, what colour do you want?",Sheldon: How do you know I’m not using the facilities?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Howard: Black it is.,"Leonard: Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.",Sheldon: Thank you. This is all so thoughtful. Excuse me.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.,"Leonard: Okay, fasten your seat belt.","Sheldon: Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?",Leonard: You don’t need air bags.,"Sheldon: No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Penny: Oh God, wait, slow, hit the brakes, hit the brakes!",(Sounds of car crashing. Penny hits Sheldon in face with pillow.),"Sheldon: No, I just, I got a little light-headed.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Scene: The same, only Sheldon and Leonard are present. Sheldon is practicing. There are sounds of squealing tyres and brakes and general panic and mayhem.", ,Sheldon: I am. Oh. Wait.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver…,Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?,Sheldon: But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that’s the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.",Leonard: Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow.,Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)","Leonard: Aw, the pet store?",Sheldon: But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.","Leonard: So wait,you’re just gonna give up?",Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.",Leonard: So what is it you’re doing?,"Sheldon: Well, my favourite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it, make sure it’s not all caps. I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Sheldon: I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.,Leonard: What does that mean?,Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing.,0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?","Leonard: I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that.","Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.",Leonard: No kidding.,"Sheldon: Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.","Leonard: Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive!","Sheldon: I do, but why do you care if I celebrate my birthday at all?",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.",Leonard: It’s never safe.,"Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I know that now.","Leonard: Fine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo Novus get to work tomorrow morning?","Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,Scene: A corridor in the university. Sheldon emerges from his office in a shower cap and bathrobe. The others are turning the corner. , ,"Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.",0
Series 02 Episode 05 – The Euclid Alternative,"(They are startled by a noise. One of them drops the plate, it smashes on the floor. Sheldon is by the drink machine, he is wearing a cloak with a hood)", ,"Sheldon: Please, look at this porcelain skin. I’m like a human sink.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon (entering): Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.","Leonard: Oh, good God.","Sheldon: Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Leonard: Hey, Leslie.","Leslie: So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.",Sheldon: Surprise.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?,Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”?,"Sheldon: Oh, I suppose that’s a discussion we could have.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.","Girl (arriving): Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant.",Sheldon: What is it?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.","Ramona: Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons?",Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.",Howard: Woof.,Sheldon: You’re kidding. What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else’s bedroom?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.,"Ramona: Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.","Sheldon: A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.","Ramona: Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?","Sheldon: Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Howard: I do. I love me a cup of joe.,"Ramona: Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner?","Sheldon: You’re welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I do eat dinner.,Ramona: Great. I know a terrific little Italian place.,Sheldon: Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Ramona: Excuse me?,Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.,"Sheldon: Nah, she’s a good kid.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.",Ramona: What if I brought food to your place?,Sheldon: And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.",Ramona: You got it. I already have your address.,"Sheldon: All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,"Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?","Sheldon: This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Penny: I need to see this.,"Leonard: Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.","Sheldon: Oh, wait, I found something.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.","Ramona: Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.","Sheldon: You guys, the bathroom here is amazing. There’s people cooking in it.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?,"Ramona: So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Hey, how you doin’?",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,"Leonard: Hey, aren’t you having breakfast?",Sheldon: That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?,Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Not in these pants.,"Leonard: So, how’d it go with Ramona last night?",Sheldon: Oh. I’ll just take one last sip. Ah.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.",Ramona (arriving): Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette .,Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it?,Ramona: Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant.,Sheldon: And can keep a small portion of their heads dry.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.,Ramona: Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.,Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn’t happen to us?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.",Ramona: There won’t be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.,"Sheldon: Oh, but then we’d have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Leonard: Wait for me.,Ramona: So have you worked out the neutrino issue?,Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.",Ramona: You’re so witty.,Sheldon: I guess we’ll call this a draw.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,Ramona: Dr. Cooper is working.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Ramona: Dr. Cooper’s working.,"Leonard: Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming?","Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.",Ramona: You’re not going to Halo night.,"Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Ramona: Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and",unconditional dedication of our entire lives”?,"Sheldon: Oh, no.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: He did.,Ramona: And who was that great man?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.",Leonard: Seriously? You’re not coming?,"Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Leonard: Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.","Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.","Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it?",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.,Ramona: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games.,"Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose. No, no, no, no. Other side. There you go.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.,Ramona: Not if he wants a Nobel Prize.,Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?,Ramona: What do you think?,Sheldon: Congratulations on a successful live show.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Drat.,Ramona: Now shall we get back to work?,Sheldon: I stand corrected. Fun.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, in a low voice): Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny","Penny: Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time.","Sheldon: When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they…",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.",Penny: Get rid of her how?,Sheldon: Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.",Penny: Excuse me?,"Sheldon: Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Penny: Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.",Ramona (off): Dr. Cooper?!,"Sheldon: Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Hide me.,Penny: Hide you?,"Sheldon: All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.,Ramona: Why aren’t you working?,"Sheldon: Well, you know, here is something that might cheer you up. The flag of the Isle of Man is nothing but three legs sharing a weird pair of underpants, so you think you got problems.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,"Leonard: Sheldon? (Pause, then more tapping) What are you doing?!","Sheldon: And actually, it was three different men.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: It’s Morse code.,Leonard: Why?,"Sheldon: Speaking of ending relationships, when British Honduras became Belize, they designed a new flag with a tree on it, and I would like to hang myself from that tree.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall.,Leonard: We are communicating through the wall.,Sheldon: I don’t see why not.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.",Leonard: I don’t know Morse code.,"Sheldon: Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning!","Sheldon: I suppose that could be a legitimate concern in a relationship. Uh, perhaps even a, a red flag. And speaking of red flags, check out this sexy number from the former Soviet Union. Hubba, hubba.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: All right.,"Leonard: Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on?","Sheldon: Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.,Leonard: I know. When is she going home?,"Sheldon: You know what, that’s not a flag question. Next caller.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Uh, uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.,Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth.,"Sheldon: It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Come on! Don’t nitpick!,Leonard: Good night.,"Sheldon: Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper…",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.",Leonard: The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod.,"Sheldon: So from now on, this program will be officially known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present Dr. Sheldon’ Cooper’s Fun With Flags.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.","Ramona (entering): Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed?","Sheldon: Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Now! Do it!,Ramona: You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.,"Sheldon: Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Godzilla clause?,Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo.,Sheldon: I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon (excitedly): I’ve got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates!,Ramona: It’s unbelievable! It’s paradigm-altering!,"Sheldon: You know, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident. I just got in and went somewhere.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you.,"Ramona: Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement.",Sheldon: Not a clue. Raj?,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?","Ramona: Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?","Sheldon: If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Who’s Nowitzki?,Ramona: I’m Nowitzki.,Sheldon: Gentlemen.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit?",Ramona: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, ,"Girl: Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler.",Kathy: Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.",Kathy: Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address.,Sheldon: Well…,0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,"Leonard: Sheldon, do you see what just happened here?","Sheldon: Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m getting a free pizza. I’m on a roll.",Scene: The living room. The guys are eating.,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,"Howard: Sheldon, you’ve already had four servings.","Raj: You might want to slow down a bit, buddy.","Sheldon: Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.",0
Series 02 Episode 06 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem,Sheldon: Just one more bite.,"Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,,Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing Boggle. There is a Klingon dictionary on the table.,"Sheldon: No, I wouldn’t.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling.",Raj: Judge’s ruling?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. It was quite tense. So here’s the million dollar question, uh, who wants to pop over there and get my trains?",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Bilurrrbe.,"Penny (entering): Hey, guys, I need to use your TV.",Sheldon: No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Howard: Did you pay your cable bill?,"Penny: You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…","Leonard: No, no, don’t tell her.",Sheldon: Thank you. I’m gonna go next door and play with Leonard.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Aw!,"Howard: What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds?","Sheldon: All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced?",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.",Penny: Fine.,"Sheldon: I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Howard: Look at those women.,Leonard: They’re gorgeous.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t think I could do that.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.","Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz.","Sheldon: My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard (to Penny who has got up to leave): Hey, wh-where are you going?",Penny: To pay my cable bill.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Why?,"Howard: Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.","Sheldon: But why? Other than you two fighting, we’re having such a good time.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Individual relish packets?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Onion rings?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Extra breading?,Leonard: I asked.,"Sheldon: Here you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like, a lot in a glass.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: What did they say?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Amy, why don’t you look excited? Well, you get to watch me play with this.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Did you protest?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Vociferously?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Here you go.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: If I did, would I find any?",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?",All: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.,Leonard: Put it on the agenda.,Sheldon: Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.,"Leonard: Oh, I’ll make a motion, but you’re not going to like it.","Sheldon: Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard: No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was.","Howard: Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence.","Sheldon: You were so cute, huffin’ and puffin’. There’s Amy. I just know you’re gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense. Hello. Come in, say hi to my Meemaw.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Who touched my…,All: Penny! Penny did it.,Sheldon: Are you comfortable?,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,Penny: I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal?,"Sheldon: It isn’t, Meemaw. Sorry, Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.,"Penny: All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.,Penny: A sports metaphor?,Sheldon: Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Yes, baseball.","Penny: All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike?","Sheldon: Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.,Penny: I did?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?,"Penny: Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats.","Sheldon: And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.","Penny: Come on, I touched one onion ring.",Sheldon: That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.","Penny: Oh, honey, the buses don’t go where you live, do they?","Sheldon: Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Unless you’re a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: One of us, one of us.","Penny: Well, what a thrill.","Sheldon: Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: You’re sitting in my spot.,"Penny: Oh, jeez, you’ve got to be kidding me.","Sheldon: Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.",Penny: I don’t care. I’m taking a stand. Metaphorically.,"Sheldon: Uh, roses, bengay, and Dr. Scholls’ foot powder.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Leonard: Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.",Howard: That’s what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon.,"Sheldon: Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up.","Sheldon: Here’s a fun Postal fact. The inner side of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So, if you broke my right thumb, that’s Pasadena city police. But if you broke my left thumb, that’s the FBI.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.","Penny: Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.",Sheldon: Are you relieved that you and Raj were able to patch things up?,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Why?,"Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.","Sheldon: That’s me. Bye, Stuart.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Scene: The same, some minutes later.","Penny: There you go, quesadilla, salad, there’s your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.","Sheldon: Stuart, now.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Howard: What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.,Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is backing out of the apartment. Penny is waiting outside.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Oh! Hello.,"Penny: Time to do your laundry, huh?",Sheldon: Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: It’s Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.,"Penny: I know. Every Saturday at 8:15, easy to anticipate.","Sheldon: So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon, holding his laundry, is looking at the machines in dismay.","Penny: Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?","Sheldon: Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: No problem, I’ll just do my laundry another night.","Penny: Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.","Sheldon: Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Scene: The hallway, Penny comes storming up the stairs to the guys door.","Penny (Knock, knock, knock): Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.","Sheldon: My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Yes?,Penny: Where are my clothes?,Sheldon: Aha.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Your clothes?,"Penny: Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone.","Sheldon: Well, I’ve been on a little trip myself recently. Not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you’ll come back with is personal growth.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?,"Penny: Sheldon, where are my clothes?","Sheldon: Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?",Penny: How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?,"Sheldon: That is true. Well, I suppose I should apologize again.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!",Penny: Get them down.,"Sheldon: Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Apologize.,Penny: Never.,Sheldon: All I know is after the fight I went to Emily’s to smooth…,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.","Penny: Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?","Sheldon: No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: I’ve done no stupid things.,"Penny: Look, you’ve got to meet me halfway here.","Sheldon: I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.","Leonard: Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do?","Sheldon: Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.",Leonard (looking out of window): A-a-a-aw!,"Sheldon: I believe I can answer that. Uh, like me, Raj is demonstrating empathy. Now, why don’t you accept my apology receive your free T-shirt, uh, I hope extra small is okay. For some reason Wolowitz took a medium.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Howard: You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.","Leonard (into phone, which has just rung): Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you.","Sheldon: Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces…",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Who is it?,Leonard: Your mother.,"Sheldon: And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Leonard: Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes.,Scene: Outside Penny’s door.,"Sheldon: Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behaviour. I hope that you can accept my apology.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.","Penny: Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.","Sheldon: That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Penny: Good night, Sheldon.",Sheldon: The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.,0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Penny.,Penny: Yes?,"Sheldon: And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.",0
Series 02 Episode 07 – The Panty Pinata Polarization,Sheldon: Well played.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: You brought me my comic books when I wasn’t feeling well. That, that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I’m sorry.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick…?,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.",Raj: I don’t want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better.,Sheldon: I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.,Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.,"Sheldon: All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.","Raj: I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors?","Sheldon: All right, that’s eight hours of practice down the drain. And to memorialise this occasion, here are your commemorative T-shirts.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.",Raj: What?,"Sheldon: No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Ahoy, matey.","Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.","Sheldon: Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I’m sorry.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion, ,Scene: The same.,"Sheldon: My goodness, do you remember comes with apsparagus?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.","Leonard: Well, I want to watch it now.",Sheldon: Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: Watch whatever you want.,Raj: I saw what you did there.,"Sheldon: Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: What did I do?,"Leonard (answering phone): Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there.","Sheldon: What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: What happened?,Leonard: Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.,"Sheldon: Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?,"Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I.","Sheldon: Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.",Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.,"Sheldon: Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I’m going to mean it.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Scene: A corridor at the university, ,"Sheldon: Hey, we’re both great at this.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: What’s the emergency?,Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.,Sheldon: Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Woman (peering out of door): Howard, is everything okay?","Howard: Yeah, baby, I’ll be right in.","Sheldon: Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?","Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?”","Sheldon: I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?,"Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she’s here. She doesn’t exactly have clearance.","Sheldon: Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: No one’s a scientist like Howard.,Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.,Sheldon: I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Howard: Anything?,"Raj: Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding.",Sheldon: I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Howard: Hang on, there’s got to be other options.","Raj: You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years.","Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.,"Raj: Oh, snap.",Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Raj: What’s Plan B?,"Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.","Sheldon: Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Howard: I don’t know what you’re talking about.,Leonard: Psst! Psst!,Sheldon: Ugh. Stuart.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Penny: No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.","Howard: Well, that does sound like me, but no.",Sheldon: Very well. Stuart.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Is there some problem?,"Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.","Sheldon: Well, then Raj and I will…",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: All right, goodbye.","Leonard: No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know.","Sheldon: Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Where are you going?,Leonard: I can’t tell you that.,Sheldon: I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Who would ask me?,"Leonard: I can’t tell you that, either.","Sheldon: Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?,"Leonard: Yeah, I really didn’t think this through.","Sheldon: Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Leonard, a moment.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, where are we going?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?",Leonard: I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office.,"Sheldon: You know, I’m not the only one who’s unpleasant when they’re sick. When Penny got food poisoning, she threw up so loudly I could barely hear the television.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Are you going to the office?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?,"Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office.","Sheldon: I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.,"Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office.","Sheldon: You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.,Leonard: I’m going to the office.,"Sheldon: Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Leonard: I’m going out for a while.,Howard: Okay.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,Sheldon: Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?,"Penny: Okay, where is he going?","Sheldon: I never did get that chicken noodle, did I?",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?",All: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.,Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,All: Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh!,"Leonard: Oh, hey, guys.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m dying.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard?",Howard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.",Leonard: That’s just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?,Sheldon: She’s a dermatologist.,0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.",Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?,"Sheldon: I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke.",0
Series 02 Episode 08 – The Lizard-Spock Expansion,"Steph: Hello, Howard.",Howard: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,,Scene: The lobby. ,"Sheldon: Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Penny, hello.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: What is shaking?,Penny: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?",Penny: What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out.,Sheldon: I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?,Penny: Please don’t do that.,"Sheldon: My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.","Penny: So, this wasn’t the awkward part?","Sheldon: Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: No.,"Penny: Oh, all right. S’u’up?",Sheldon: I miss you as well.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?","Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.",Sheldon: Even the girls.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.,"Penny: Yeah, Leonard told me.","Sheldon: Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.,Penny: To you?,"Sheldon: Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.","Penny: Well, what about me?",Sheldon: Good news. You’re an asteroid.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.,"Penny: Well, aren’t you sweet?",Sheldon: Exactly. See how well we work together?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.","Penny: Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe.","Sheldon: I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.",Penny: I could think about you.,"Sheldon: All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.","Penny: Always nice talking to you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I haven’t settled on anything yet.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.",Leonard: I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.,"Sheldon: Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.,Leonard: I stand corrected.,Sheldon: Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.",Steph: That’s very interesting.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice.,"Sheldon: Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?",Steph: No.,Sheldon: Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Good. What’s your favourite fruit?,"Steph: Ih-uh, strawberries.",Sheldon: That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?","Steph: Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas.",Sheldon: We better choose a name no one can make fun of. Sir Frederick William Herschel didn’t do Uranus any favours.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Really? That’s where I was born!,Steph: You’re kidding!,Sheldon: It is kind of cute.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.","Steph: Why, what-what-what happened?",Sheldon: I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.,"Steph: I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?","Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.","Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?",Sheldon: That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.",Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?,"Sheldon: Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.","Leonard: Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down?","Sheldon: Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.",Leonard: What landing party?,Sheldon: Maybe it’s a new planet.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Leonard: Oo-oo-oh!,"Steph: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.",Leonard: What invitation?,"Sheldon: Oh. I guess I’m a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special, he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.","Leonard: Oh, clearly I could have.","Sheldon: It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Leonard: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.,"Steph: No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet.","Sheldon: But, look, an optical transient.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?","Leonard: No, just sit here.",Sheldon: Found one.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon (showing him laptop): Tell me what you see here.,Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?,"Sheldon: Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?",Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.,"Sheldon: Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?",Leonard: It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks.,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. How about now?",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.","Leonard: Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.",Sheldon: Hmm. What are you doing now?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.","Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.",Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: Still hasn’t bought milk even though I told him two days ago.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: This is banana bread.,Penny: This is a door knob.,Sheldon: Kind of a wuss.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.,"Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?",Sheldon: Sexual insecurity.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: A doctor? Well, I hope you’re not contagious. I’ve got a weekend in the telescope room I’ve been excited about for almost three minutes.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: How can you be sure?,"Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?","Sheldon: Uh, stop selling it, kid. You won.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.",Penny: He’s having problems with Stephanie?,"Sheldon: Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: That’s the one to beat. Leonard?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.",Penny: We never got to the bedroom.,Sheldon: That sounds awful. Raj?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Because?,"Penny: Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.","Sheldon: Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?",Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Raj: You told me you were going to have the talk with him.,Howard: I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.,Sheldon: At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.","Howard: Oh, I don’t think you can.",Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.,"Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.","Sheldon: Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.","Howard: I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.","Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny. Zucchini bread.","Penny: Oh, thank you.",Sheldon: I’m glad to see you made it safely. How’s your hotel?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: May I come in?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesn’t have the history with the franchise I do.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.,"Penny: Well, thank you.","Sheldon: Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I look forward to your next birthday when we do it again.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Leonard: All I’m saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can’t they do something about lactose intolerance?","Steph: Leonard, you’re going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.","Sheldon: Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).",Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Neither do I. But we can find out together.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.,Leonard: Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.,Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?,Sheldon: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.",Leonard: Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face?,Sheldon: All right. Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.","Leonard: Oh, for god’s sakes.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Steph: Do you want some help with that?,"Leonard: No, no, no, I got it.","Sheldon: You know what, let me pull a quick contract off the Internet.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Oh my god, are you okay?","Leonard: No, I’m not. I’m bleeding.","Sheldon: I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.","Leonard: Oh, okay, yeah, hang on a sec. (Throws up in sink)",Sheldon: Why are we saying give it to you like that?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.",Scene: The hospital.,Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.",Leonard: I can’t remember a time when you weren’t talking.,Sheldon: Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.","Leonard: I did not burst into tears, my eyes just got a little watery.","Sheldon: I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Leonard: Oh, are you still going to spend the night?","Steph: Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest.","Sheldon: No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.","Leonard: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.",Sheldon: It’s kind of spooky.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Steph: Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.",Leonard (after Sheldon tuts): What?,"Sheldon: Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Leonard: It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.","Penny: Well, then who did?","Sheldon: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.",Leonard: You hacked my facebook account?,Sheldon: Oh.,0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.",Leonard: Are you insane? Now she’s going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship! And you want to know what the worst part is? You don’t even understand what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that you are not an expert in!,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl.",0
Series 02 Episode 09 – The White Asparagus Triangulation,Howard: Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”,"Leonard: Really? Oh, look at that, I have a girlfriend.","Sheldon: Oh, sure. Well, you’re fun to look at.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Scene: The apartment. ,"Steph: I don’t see anything at all, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.","Leonard: Me, too.","Sheldon: This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Leonard: No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.","Steph: Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I think they say junk.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Steph: I Seriously doubt it.,Leonard: Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Steph: Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed","Leonard: Okay, I’ll be right in.","Sheldon: So, can you help me?",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.",Leonard: Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?,"Sheldon: I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.,Leonard: Good night.,Sheldon: You’re back.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.","Leonard: No, you’re not.",Sheldon: Then it’s settled. Amy’s birthday present will be my genitals.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.",Leonard: We’re not living together.,"Sheldon: Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.",Leonard: That’s absurd.,Sheldon: That I have coitus with her.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.","Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.","Sheldon: No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.",Leonard: I’m going to bed.,"Sheldon: Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Scene: The kitchen.,"Leonard: No, absolutely not.","Sheldon: Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Leonard: I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.","Steph: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.","Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.","Sheldon: Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?,Steph: He did very nicely.,"Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Steph: I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?,"Leonard: She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!",Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.","Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.","Leonard: Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Leonard: Okay, bye-bye.",Steph: Bye.,"Sheldon: No, I can’t. I need to make preparations for Amy’s birthday. Which leads me to the following bit of business. This is my ticket to Star Wars. I don’t have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of fifteen dollars and fifty cents. I trust you’ll give it to someone worthy.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Leonard: Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?,"Penny: You know, she seems very nice.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.",Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?,Sheldon: It’s late. Got to go. Bye.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Like hippies.,Leonard: We’re not living together.,"Sheldon: I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Scene: The hospital.,"Steph: Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.,Steph: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?,Sheldon: I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.",Steph: Thank you.,Sheldon: Where are you going?,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?,"Steph: I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You’re right.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.,"Steph: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?",Sheldon: By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.","Steph: Go home, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.,0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum, ,"Steph: Oh, no.","Sheldon: So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: Wha??,"Steph: You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.","Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.",0
Series 02 Episode 10 – The Vartabedian Conundrum,Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?,Steph: You’re going to need to stop talking immediately.,"Sheldon: Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,,Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.",Howard: What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?,"Sheldon: Arthur, what brings you back?",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Like what?,Howard: I don’t know. Kryptonian mustard.,"Sheldon: But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming?",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Leonard: Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.","Howard: Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?","Sheldon: And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Howard: Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.",Raj: Booya.,"Sheldon: Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard: No.,Leonard: It’s David Underhill. So what?,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.,"Leonard: I have two words for you. The first is big, the other’s whoop.",Sheldon: And I will continue to do so!,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Leonard (entering): Hey, guys!",Howard: That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over!,"Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.,Howard: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.,Sheldon: The Web site’s frozen. I can’t get in.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?,"Leonard: Actually, I was…",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.,"Leonard: Come on, it’s just a video game. And we suck at it.","Sheldon: Well, I’ll let you get back to your date.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard: So? We’re in a rock band.,"Leonard: No, we play Rock Band on our X-Box.",Sheldon: Good. Because I love you.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard: Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.,"Penny (entering): Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?","Sheldon: Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Penny: Saturnalia?,"Howard: Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.","Sheldon: I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Howard: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.","Penny: Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree.","Sheldon: I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?,Penny: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?,Penny: I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas?,Sheldon: Yes. She’s like the dryer sheets of my heart. I have to go.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Howard: Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.","Penny: Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.","Sheldon: It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.,"Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present.",Sheldon: It’s about Amy.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Howard (to Raj who is whispering in his ear): I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.,"Penny: Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.",Sheldon: Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"David: All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.","Leonard: See ya. ‘Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.)",Sheldon: They have beach right in the name. What do you think?,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Scene: A gift shop., ,Sheldon: I wonder why it was this particular song that was stuck in my head.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Leonard: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan.","Raj: Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear.","Sheldon: The list extends outside of science. Painters like Van Gogh and Pollock, chess champion Bobby Fischer, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. (Clip of Darling by the Beach Boys) I remember the song. It’s called Darlin’ by the Beach Boys. Oh, thank goodness. I’m not crazy. I don’t have to take a pigeon as my bride.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.","Howard: Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.",Sheldon: Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Raj: She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!,"Howard: Excuse me, we’re ready.","Sheldon: Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?",Howard: This one. Let’s go.,"Sheldon: Bah, bam, bum-bum, bah, bum, bum. This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: You put no thought into that.,"Howard: I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go!","Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s drinking it.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?",Assistant: Yes?,"Sheldon: Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.",Assistant: Excuse me?,Sheldon: This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Scene: The apartment., ,"Sheldon: Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket. A straitjacket, ’cause 72’s the best and you’re crazy. Now, this is your spot. You’re very protective of it. When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly. It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable. People are also delighted by your love of pranks. For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee. It wasn’t replace it with Folger’s crystals, I’ll tell you that much.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.",Leonard: Yippee.,"Sheldon: This is Penny. She is your friend. If she offers you food, it’s safe to take it. You probably paid for it, anyway.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Then I’ll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I’ll return the others for a full refund.",Leonard: Brilliant.,"Sheldon: I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.",Leonard: Do whatever you want.,Sheldon: There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Penny: How’s your leg?,"Leonard: Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in.","Sheldon: I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.","Penny: Okay, here.","Sheldon: Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.",Penny: Turn it over.,Sheldon: Okay. (Singing) R-E-S-P-E-C-T. No.,0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.","Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.","Sheldon: I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!,"Penny: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it.","Sheldon: Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that?",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!,"Penny: Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.",0
Series 02 Episode 11 – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis,(Sheldon appears with all the gift baskets),Penny: Sheldon! What did you do?!,Sheldon: What are you talking about?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,All: MONTE.,"Howard: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armour plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.","Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper’s descent into madness, day two. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I feel the urge to urinate. My normal urination time is 7:10 a.m., but here I am, in the middle of the night, struggling to keep my mind sharp and my pajamas dry. It’s only a matter of time before my tenuous grasp on reality fades. I suppose I should pee while I still know what a toilet is.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Leonard: Maybe we should start small.,"Raj: Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball.","Sheldon: Good. Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I’m gonna change my answer and eat SpongeBob.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Raj: Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.",Leonard: How about the toaster oven?,"Sheldon: Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Leonard: What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.","Howard: Gentlemen, goggles.",Sheldon: Oh. I thought we were just friends.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Leonard: Killer robot. We built it.,"Penny: Yeah, well, it almost killed me.","Sheldon: Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.","Penny: So, who exactly does it want to kill?",Sheldon: Did you have a nice time?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Leonard: I’m begging you, stop talking.","Penny: Look, normally I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you’re a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Kripke (arriving): Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?","Leonard: Yes, we did, Kripke.","Sheldon: Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Kripke: Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.","Leonard: Come on, is that really necessary?","Sheldon: How can you miss a game you’ve never played before, silly?",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.","Raj: Oh, snap.","Sheldon: I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.",Raj: What difference does it make? Fat is fat.,"Sheldon: Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: There are boundaries.,"Kripke: Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto.","Sheldon: Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: What do you mean?,"Kripke: There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid.",Sheldon: Very well done.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.,"Kripke: Tomowow, thwee o’clock, the kinetics wab.","Sheldon: I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Raj: I can’t watch anymore.,"Leonard: Sheldon, we have to call it off.","Sheldon: Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.","Leonard: Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.",Sheldon: What is that?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.","Raj: Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.","Sheldon: It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Raj: Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?",Leonard: Not yet.,Sheldon: Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Kripke: Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.,"Leonard: Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off.",Sheldon: They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.","Raj: But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.","Sheldon: You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.",0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.","Raj: That’s not overconfidence, that’s observation.",Sheldon: I believe you. I’d believe you more if you threw a few Apple Jacks in here.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Leonard: I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.","Kripke: Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules.",Sheldon: I am.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.","Kripke: I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war.",Sheldon: You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Sheldon: Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.,"Kripke: That could be easily awanged. Weady, set, go?",Sheldon: Is that regular or honey nut?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Kripke: Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go.,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon, you got this.",Sheldon: How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Raj: Go, Monte! Go Monte!","Leonard: Go, go, go, go!",Sheldon: Just a few.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,Scene: The apartment. Monte is in pieces on the table.,"Leonard: Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Penny: Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.",Howard: Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.,Sheldon: I’m sensing things have gotten awkward.,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?","Howard: Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.",Sheldon: Very well. I know you’ve been seeing other men. Have you had coitus with any of them?,0
Series 02 Episode 12 – The Killer Robot Instability,"Sheldon: You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.","Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren’t you getting a little carried away? I mean, it’s just a toy robot.","Sheldon: All right. Well, what should we talk about?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Scene: The university cafeteria,"Raj: Mmm, gentlemen, I put it to you, the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavour.","Sheldon: I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Howard: Hey, I’m thinking of growing a mustache.","Leonard: Ah, no kidding! A Fu Man Chu? A handlebar pencil?","Sheldon: and then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again, uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at I’d wear shorts if I had a pair. 78.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Leonard: Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.","Howard: Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca…",Sheldon: Bakersfield. I see. Where has this list been all my life?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.,Raj: Feel better now?,Sheldon: Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Howard: That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.",Raj: Fo’ shizzle.,"Sheldon: No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.",Leonard: Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.,"Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!",Kripke: Yeah?,"Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?,"Kripke: I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?","Kripke: Yeah, I’ll do that.",Sheldon: And there goes my list.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Leonard: I suppose. I do miss whistling though.,"Penny: Oh come on, really? (Leonard whistles)","Sheldon: Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock) : Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny (knock, knock, knock)  Penny.This is for you.",Penny: Hello Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Hi.,Penny: What is this?,Sheldon: You don’t think that will be awkward?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.","Penny: Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?",Sheldon: And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.","Penny: Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing?","Sheldon: No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.",Penny: Wait! How many questions are on this thing?,"Sheldon: Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.",Penny: Thanks pal.,"Sheldon: Well, Howard, what about you?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: You got it, buddy.","Penny: Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant?","Sheldon: Hey. Good news, everybody. Now that I’m no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the aquarium cafeteria. Who wants it? Well, you realize you won’t be going alone, I’ll be there the whole time. Providing fish and pilgrim facts. Can you people hear me?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is reading one of the questionnaires. He tuts.,"Sheldon: She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. Well, I wouldn’t coitus her with your genitals.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Your questionnaire, very disappointing.",Leonard: I answered every question Sheldon.,"Sheldon: I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.,"Leonard: Aw, you picked up on that huh?","Sheldon: And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: How could I not?,"Leonard: Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank?","Sheldon: Careful, it’s addictive.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.",Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that!,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.","Leonard: It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum.",Sheldon: All right. Can I help you?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.","Sheldon: Sounds like a drama queen. Oh, no. It is Jennifer Lawrence.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I don’t see how you could.,"Leonard: What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.","Sheldon: Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What do you mean!?,"Leonard: Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?","Sheldon: Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I did learn how to swim.,Leonard: On the floor.,Sheldon: Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.,Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?,"Sheldon: 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.","Leonard: No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.",Sheldon: One minute is a long time.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.,Leonard: Where are we going?,"Sheldon: Well, by that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy, eh? Not to cast aspersions, but I can’t shake a stick around here without hitting that.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Scene: A bookshop., ,Sheldon: Someone will show.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Coping with the death of a loved one. My condolences.,Woman in queue: Thank you.,Sheldon: Someone will show.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Family or friend?,Woman: Family.,"Sheldon: Golly, she sounds too good to be true.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.","Leonard: Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel.","Sheldon: And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?,"Bookstore employee: Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids.","Sheldon: Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.,"Employee: Uh, I guess. They’re right over there by the wooden train set.",Sheldon: That’s it. The Sheldon Cooper Girlfriend Challenge is officially live.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon (picks up train): Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?","Little girl: I don’t like birds, they scare me.","Sheldon: Oh, we’ll make the puzzles extremely challenging to eliminate unworthy candidates.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?,Girl: Curious George.,Sheldon: And I have the soulful eyes of a cow.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Oh I do like monkeys!,Girl: Curious George is a monkey.,"Sheldon: People compete for jobs and trophies, why not me?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Girl: Okay.,"Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?","Sheldon: Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?,Girl: Rebecca.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.","Leonard: No you’re not, let’s go.","Sheldon: Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Leonard and Howard: Lysine.,Raj: Damn it. I had Lysine and changed it.,"Sheldon: All right, fine, she doesn’t need her own point of view. Now, chop-chop.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!","Howard: Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.","Sheldon: All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Raj: Stu the cockatoo?,"Leonard: Yes, he’s new at the zoo.",Sheldon: Gentlemen.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Leonard: Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.",Howard: I can fix it.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.",Howard: Gee. Why can’t Sheldon make friends?,"Sheldon: Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.",Scene: Rock climbing centre. Sheldon and Kripke are watching someone descend the practice wall.,"Sheldon: Thank you for coming by, gentlemen.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.","Kripke: Nope, I wanna climb some wocks.","Sheldon: Ooh, that’s a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. You know what? You eat it. You’re married, it doesn’t matter what you look like.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.","Kripke: You afwaid of heights, Cooper?",Sheldon: On oatmeal day?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?","Kripke: Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this.","Sheldon: No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.","Kripke: Let’s go, Cooper.","Sheldon: I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.","Kripke: Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top.","Sheldon: Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.,"Kripke:You alwight there, Cooper?","Sheldon: Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.,Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?,Sheldon: They’d just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?,Kripke: Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going.,Sheldon: Those are very wise words.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Yeah, I don’t think I can.","Kripke: Well, then. Cwimb back down.","Sheldon: Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.","Kripke: So what’s the pwan, Cooper?","Sheldon: I’m going to find her and ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, we can put this behind us and resume our relationship. And if she says no, well, then she can just ponfo miran.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Howard: Okay. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3 and… (Leonard, Howard and Raj whistle “Sweet Georgia Brown” together)",Leonard: It’s a little thing but you really do miss it.,"Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Leonard: How was rock climbing?,Kripke: He passed out. Just hung there like a big sawami.,"Sheldon: Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Kripke: Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.,"Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.",Leonard: What’s that?,Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.","Howard: Me, me. Let it be me.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.",Leonard: Can I whistle?,"Sheldon: Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I’ve put this Amy nonsense behind me.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.",Howard: Guilty as charged. I’m out.,"Sheldon: Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Howard: Oh come on. What do I have to do?,Penny: Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just…,Sheldon: No. You went pfft. What does pfft mean?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?",Leonard: He had Lysine but changed it.,Sheldon: Excuse me?,0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Kripke: Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.","Howard: Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh?","Sheldon: Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,"Sheldon: So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.",Kripke: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: No? But we’re friends!,"Kripke: I’m sowy. No, my fwiend?","Sheldon: Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.",0
Series 02 Episode 13 – The Friendship Algorithm,Sheldon: I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?,"Kripke: No, that’s wong. There’s an official schedule. I have no contwol over it.","Sheldon: Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Scene: The apartment. The guys are studying a complex chart on the whiteboard.,Leonard: Hmmm.,"Sheldon: No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Howard: There are too many variables. It would take forever.,"Leonard: We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.",Sheldon: No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.","Leonard: Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.","Sheldon: No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.",Raj: What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.,"Sheldon: No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.",Raj: We could eat after the movie.,Sheldon: Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Raj: Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.",Howard: Wow. I don’t see how we missed that.,"Sheldon: Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Raj: That’s how we missed it.,"Leonard: Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?","Sheldon: All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Howard: See ya.,"Raj: Later, dude.",Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is opening the apartment door. Penny comes running up stairs.,"Penny: Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door.","Sheldon: No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Why?,Penny: Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.,Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t specify.",Penny: Is Leonard around?,Sheldon: Yeah. You don’t have to tell me.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?","Penny: The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent.","Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.",Penny: It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.,Sheldon: When we got the security camera.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.",Penny: Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.,Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.","Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.",Sheldon: Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.,"Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.",Sheldon: I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.,Penny: Don’t be silly.,"Sheldon: I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: I’m never silly. Here.,"Penny: No, I can’t.","Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Don’t you need money?,"Penny: Well, yeah, but…","Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: This is money I’m not using.,Penny: But what if you need it?,Sheldon: All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.","Penny: Really? I mean, are you sure?","Sheldon: Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I admire your father’s work very much. It’s not every day I get to meet someone whose life’s journey began in my hero’s scrotum.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.,Penny: Are they working on that?,"Sheldon: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I’m sure if there’s nudity, it will be tasteful.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.,"Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.","Sheldon: Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?,Penny: I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.,"Sheldon: Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Penny: I’m regretting this already.,Scene: Entering the lobby of the building.,Sheldon: Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.",Leonard: Interesting.,Sheldon: Absolutely. But don’t be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Ask me why.,Leonard: Do I have to?,"Sheldon: Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.,Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: Hey, Penny. How was work?",Penny: Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.,Sheldon: I don’t like being extorted like this. Especially by him of all people.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: That’s preposterous.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Was that sarca..,Leonard: Stop it!,"Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won’t get gang-noogied in prison.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.","Penny: Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.","Sheldon: Finally, something breaks our way.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.","Penny: Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?","Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Penny: Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?",Leonard: Weird.,Sheldon: I don’t understand.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.",Leonard: Did you guys have an argument?,Sheldon: You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: No.,"Leonard: Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.","Sheldon: He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Penny: Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.","Leonard: It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay.","Sheldon: Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner’s here.","Penny: Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food.","Sheldon: That’s true. There’s the U.S. Air Force, U.S. Department of Defence, U.S. Navy, you and I are going to jail.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: You’re damn right it’s okay. I’ve been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.","Sheldon: Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Leonard: Where are you going?,"Penny: Going home, where I won’t be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.","Sheldon: It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Howard: You want the Valley of Fire? It’s right here.,"Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?","Sheldon: Well, did you see this sticker?",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Raj: Here.,"Leonard: You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.",Sheldon: Uh-oh.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?",Leonard: I do.,"Sheldon: Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.,Leonard: I’m not afraid of him.,"Sheldon: Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.","Leonard: Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?",Sheldon: She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: They did.,Leonard: Well?,Sheldon: I’m trying not to attract attention.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Howard: Yes. Koothrappali’s going to wet himself, I’m gonna throw up, Sheldon’s gonna run away, and you’re going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?","Leonard: Guys, there are four of us and one of him.","Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Leonard: I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.",Kurt: No. What do you want?,"Sheldon: Did you hear that, Leonard? There’s plenty we could do about it. Do you have a card?",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, not now.","Sheldon: And I’m sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can’t find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Raj: A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.,"Leonard: No, the problem isn’t solved. He just blew us off.",Sheldon: Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Leonard: I don’t need backup. I have right on my side. And I’m wearing cargo shorts under my pants.,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: I told you we shouldn’t go shopping at night.,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Leonard: It’s kind of a fashionable look these days.,Penny: Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat.,Sheldon: Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?,0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.","Penny: Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.","Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Penny: Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.",Leonard: Bye.,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.",0
Series 02 Episode 14 – The Financial Permeability,"Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.",Leonard: Penny’s hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!,"Sheldon: Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Howard: Not a clue.,Leonard: Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?,"Sheldon: Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it?",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.","Leonard: No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.","Sheldon: Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.","Leonard: Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.",Sheldon: Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Beverley: It’s cold.,Leonard: I’ll start again.,Sheldon: Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.,"Beverley:  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.","Sheldon: Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.,"Beverley: Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.",Sheldon: I’m Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Beverley: Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.","Leonard: Here’s your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?","Sheldon: Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.","Beverley: I’m sorry, it’s on my other laptop.",Sheldon: Aren’t you just made of sugar.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?",Beverley: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.,Sheldon: I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.,"Leonard: Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off.","Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.,"Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.","Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.","Leonard: Sheldon, you don’t give your mother enough credit. She’s warm, she’s loving, she doesn’t glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.","Sheldon: Well, but where does he get the helium?",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Leonard: Why are you doing this?,"Howard: You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.",Sheldon: Was she helping him with his research?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Leonard: That was fast.,"Beverley: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.","Sheldon: Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.","Beverley: But it’s one o’clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock.",Sheldon: Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Howard: We’ll talk about this later.,"Raj: You always say that, but we never do.",Sheldon: It’s like it was yesterday.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance, ,Beverley: Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.,Sheldon: That’s right. And what did he do?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.,"Beverley: Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.","Sheldon: Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.,"Beverley: Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.",Sheldon: What’s he say?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: Oh, I can’t believe that.",Beverley: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.,Sheldon: Four questions. There answer’s four.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.,Beverley: Understandable.,Sheldon: How many questions are too many questions?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?,"Beverley: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you.",Sheldon: Where does he work?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.,"Beverley: I feel very comfortable around you, too.","Sheldon: Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball.",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.",Beverley: Nor I.,Sheldon: He could’ve softened the blow.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?,Beverley: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?,"Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?",0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Leonard: Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Not a chance.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: So, what do you think?",Beverley: I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate.,Sheldon: But you won’t need much for that.,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.",Beverley: True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband.,Sheldon: Did you know that I almost didn’t wear this shirt today?,0
Series 02 Episode 15 – The Maternal Capacitance,"Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.",Beverley: I see what you’re doing. You’re appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.,Sheldon: Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.,Howard: But what about the creek bed?,Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.","Raj: Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed.",Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.,"Howard: I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic.",Sheldon: That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Howard: No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.,"Leonard: No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky.",Sheldon: A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.",Howard: Why don’t I run away and you cover me?,"Sheldon: Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Raj: Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?,"Leonard: Yeah, more cutbacks.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve got terrible news.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.,"Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Thanks. And I taste good too.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.","Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow!",Sheldon: I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.,Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.",Leonard: Are you done?,"Sheldon: Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: You and Leslie?,Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice!,Sheldon: It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?,"Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry about that.",Sheldon: I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: Calm down. We’ll figure it out.,Penny: How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.,Sheldon: You don’t have to leave.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.","Penny: Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: You’re in my spot.,Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?,Sheldon: And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: No, I’m going to the comic book store.",Penny: Then what difference does it make?,Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: What difference does it make?,Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: Ah, what might have been. And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: Don’t sit in his spot.,Penny: Fine. (Moves)  Happy?,"Sheldon: Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Penny (as Sheldon enters): Shh! Act normal.,Leonard: Sheldon! How was the comic book store?,Sheldon: It’s a Pokémon reference.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.,"Leonard: Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly.","Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up.,Leonard: Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?,Sheldon: You’re forgetting something. Ladies love jocks.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Penny: You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.","Leonard: Don’t you dare, missy.","Sheldon: There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.",Leonard: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Scene: The same. Everyone is eating. Sheldon is perched on the back of Leonard’s chair. He keeps making moaning noises. Saying “Excuse me” he tries moving back to his spot, but the cushion is not there. He tries perching on the arm in various positions.",Leonard: Why don’t you just eat in your desk chair?,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair?,Penny: Here we go.,"Sheldon: Look at this blister. Like it or not, we’re athletes now. Besides, a bar is where I belong. I’m having female problems.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Leonard: Wackadoodle.,"Howard: You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy.","Sheldon: That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you’re worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I’m going to touch you all over.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Leonard: If it were your head, it would be.","Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through.",Sheldon: By challenging you to a duel.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.",Penny: Why not?,"Sheldon: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.,"Leonard: Oh, for God’s sake, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Barry, a word?",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Scene: The apartment,Leonard: Why are you crouching there?,Sheldon: How dare you.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Penny (arriving with cushion): Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.","Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new.",Sheldon: You really think so?,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.","Sheldon: Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: All right.,"Penny: There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero.","Sheldon: Well, that’s unacceptable.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.,Penny: Sit on the damn couch.,Sheldon: Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Penny: It’s exactly the same…,"Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.","Sheldon: Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: More?,Leonard: I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights?,"Sheldon: Ah, this is fun.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace.,Leonard: Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.,Sheldon: My last physical.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?,Leonard: Golden Dragon.,"Sheldon: You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.","Leonard: Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.",Sheldon: I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything.",Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.,"Sheldon: En garde, Leonard. Prepare yourself for a rigorous touching.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Penny: You did make that up, right?","Leonard: Oh, God, I wish I had.","Sheldon: Uh, yes, I’m aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I’ll get called into Human Resources.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: Leonard?,"Leonard: Yeah, buddy?",Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Howard: What’s the plan?,"Leonard: Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight.","Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Leonard: What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny)",Penny: What the hell?,Sheldon: Right. Always right.,0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: That was for my cushion.,"Leonard: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope.","Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.",Penny: Screw that. (Shoots Sheldon),"Sheldon: Oh, dear.",0
Series 02 Episode 16 – The Cushion Saturation,Sheldon: She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.,Leonard: He’s right. You can’t. (Shoots Sheldon),Sheldon: We’re not afraid of physical activity.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Scene: The Apartment
","Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six torque screwdriver.","Sheldon: Technically, swashbuckler is a combination of two terms. Swash referring to the sound of the sword. Swash. And then buckler meaning a small shield, which you don’t have.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Stop. We can’t do this, it’s not right.","Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.","Sheldon: Ah, touché.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.","Penny: Oh, I love San Francisco. I wish I was going with you.","Sheldon: And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Leonard: You’ve heard of him?,Penny: Of course I haven’t.,"Sheldon: Or worse, up.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.","Penny: It’s kind of a funny name, though, Smoot.","Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.","Leonard: Yeah, I wish.",Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Well, then why are you doing it?","Leonard: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train.","Sheldon: Had me at flag, lost me at football.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come?","Sheldon: Nah, I’ll do it tomorrow.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy.",Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.","Leonard: Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take?",Sheldon: Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.",Leonard: Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.,"Sheldon: All right, great. Just give me one minute, and I’ll get started on a new roommate agreement. Yeah. nothing from Pratt, we’re good.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,Leonard: I wouldn’t expect you to. I’ll see you later.,"Sheldon: You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.",Scene: On the train.,Sheldon: But mostly here.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: What on earth are you doing?,"Raj: Whatever it is, I’m guessing we’re doing it wrong.","Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: Come on, Raj.",Raj: What’s wrong with Jiffy Lubes?,"Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Why not?,Sheldon: They are in 2003.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?,"Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.","Sheldon: As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.","Raj: It’s not so bad, really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.","Sheldon: No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Howard: It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?,Leonard: Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator.,"Sheldon: In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Hello, 2003.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!",Leonard: At least he’s off the train crap.,"Sheldon: No, just because I’m living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn’t mean I’m delusional. And since it is 2003, I don’t know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.",Leonard: My money’s on tuck and roll.,"Sheldon: Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.,"Howard: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.","Sheldon: Fine, then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: All right.,Howard: That’s Summer Glau.,"Sheldon: They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.","Raj: Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol?","Sheldon: I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…","Raj: Yeah-yeah, which way?","Sheldon: But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.",Leonard: You’re going to need more than 11 hours.,"Sheldon: You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, no.",Leonard: What’s the matter?,"Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: So we have to go back.,"Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.",Sheldon: Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.,Leonard: Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot?,Sheldon: It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.,Leonard: So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back.,Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.,Leonard: Right. Of course.,Sheldon: Let me help you. L. E. O. N.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.","Leonard: Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.","Sheldon: No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling, ,"Howard (steeling himself to talk to Summer Glau, to himself): It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed?","Sheldon: Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.",Leonard: I’ve got a better idea.,"Sheldon: Just a few more signatures, and we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you’ve returned your key. Okay. As my future neighbour, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge you received it.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Are you going to be sarcastic?,"Leonard: Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?","Sheldon: Gandalf, but he’s a smoker.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.,Leonard: So?,Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: The key is hidden in my room.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Penny would have to go into my room.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: People don’t go in my room!,"Leonard: I see. Well, it seems once again, you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.","Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon (on phone): Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter.","Penny: Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello?","Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?",Penny: Your dresser? Who is this?,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: It’s Sheldon.,"Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?","Sheldon: You know what they don’t sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment. Although, if anyone did, it would be them.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?,"Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what’s up?","Sheldon: No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?","Leonard: He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour.",Sheldon: So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.","Penny: Oh, hang on, Sheldon, getting another call.",Sheldon: What’s wrong with your closet?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Summer: You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?","Raj: You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. Now, him, he’s one of those geeks.","Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.","Howard: Placebo, you say. Interesting.","Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Howard: Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.","Penny: Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters.","Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: That’s the wrong box. Put it back.,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?",Sheldon: We blew up Feynman’s van.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: Don’t read those letters!,"Penny: Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.","Sheldon: All right, this rust, combined with the aluminium recovered from the van, is now thermite.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Penny: Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.",Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Sheldon: I’m back.,"Penny: What up, Moon Pie?",Sheldon: What is that awful smell?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Summer: No. I didn’t.,"Penny: Okay, I found the box. Now what?",Sheldon: That’s not very nice.,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.","Penny: Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?",Sheldon: We do?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,Summer: Sure.,"Howard: Okay. Great. Now, can I take one where it looks like we’re making out?",Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?,0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Leonard: Hi, my name’s Leonard.",Scene: The conference.,"Sheldon: Yes, we could use science. But it’s your bachelor party. Lighten up.",0
Series 02 Episode 17 – The Terminator Decoupling,"Sheldon: So, I’m thinking, you won the Nobel Prize what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of what has Smoot done lately? My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and when we win the Nobel Prize, you’ll be back on top.","George Smoot: With all due respect, Dr. Cooper, are you on crack?","Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Damn it. I slipped.,"Howard: Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up.","Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.",Leonard: Why?,"Sheldon: Everybody hold on. Let’s take this problem one step at a time. First, we need to decide whether we’re calling it leever or lehver. And the sooner we decide it’s leever, the sooner we can roll up our sleeves, not slehves, and get to work.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Howard: You underestimate me.,Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Sheldon stands looking at his watch with his hand poised to knock. At the right moment he starts knocking.,"Sheldon: If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone’s shoulders and never coming down.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I am getting too old for this crud.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: It’s eleven am.,Penny: I know. You’re safe.,Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: This package came while you were at work.,"Penny: Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you.",Sheldon: What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Excuse me.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: What was that?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: You have to sign this.,Penny: What is it?,"Sheldon: I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.","Penny: Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones.",Sheldon: It is extraordinary.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?","Penny: It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing.",Sheldon: You can never be too careful. I got one last year before I went to Epcot.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.","Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business.",Sheldon: Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Obviously, not a cleaning business.","Penny: No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.","Sheldon: How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Good for you. Sign here.,"Penny: Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore.","Sheldon: Uh-oh. According to this Mexican customs website, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?,Penny: Another waitress.,Sheldon: Viva la Imodium. Ay-ay-ay.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: What’s her name?,Penny: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And you’re going to let her handle my food?,Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.,"Sheldon: Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.,"Penny: Fine, cheeseburger.","Sheldon: Yeah, and talked about physics with them.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.,"Penny: So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: How many of these can you make a day?,Penny: About twenty.,Sheldon: It runs on syphilis?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?,"Penny: I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure.",Sheldon: It’s bad enough I’m being taken against my will. I don’t see why it has to be in some hippie’s mobile sex dungeon.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.",Penny: That’s all?,Sheldon: Unhand me. This is ridiculous.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Before taxes.,"Penny: Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff.","Sheldon: Oh, and how do you think you’re going to get me to do that?",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.",Penny: And you know about that stuff?,Sheldon: You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.",Penny: Who’s Radiohead?,"Sheldon: Well, I’d hardly call this kidnapping. Where’s the blindfold? Where’s the duct tape? Where’s the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say I’m getting too old for this crud?",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.,"Penny: Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?","Sheldon: Well, that was fun. Good for you, Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Of course I could.,"Penny: Sheldon, wait! Will you?",Sheldon: Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Would you pass the mustard?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?,Penny: I understand.,Sheldon: She was listening through the door. She wants me.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.,Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.,"Penny: Oh, imagine that.","Sheldon: You saw through that one, did you?",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster, ,Penny: There. Done.,Sheldon: Is there a problem?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.,"Penny: Pretty good, right?","Sheldon: Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.",Penny: A day?,Sheldon: Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.,Penny: That just can’t be right.,"Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: You’re questioning my math?,"Penny: No, sorry.","Sheldon: But enough about the Czech Republic. Let’s talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn’t. And yet Romania gets dumped. I’ll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Want me to show my work?,"Penny: Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it.","Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun With Flags. You may notice that I’m holding a remote control. That’s because my cameraperson and co-host, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, has chosen to end her relationship with me. I’m going to pause here to let that sink in. Okay. If you need to pause a little longer, just click the pause button. But the show must go on. And thankfully, all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand. Anyway, let’s not spend any more time talking about her. We’re here to talk about flags. Tonight’s theme, flags of countries that have been torn apart and the women I have a feeling were responsible.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.","Penny: Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending.","Sheldon: In Leonard? Oh, even the Sparkletts guy could see that’s unlikely.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.","Penny: All right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?",Sheldon: Yes. And that’s coming from me.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny & Sheldon together: Hello. (They resume singing and working) ,"Leonard: W-W-Wait, what’s going on?",Sheldon: And we learned that you don’t need an eyeball to do that.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Penny: Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.","Leonard: Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.","Sheldon: Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)",Howard: Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent?,Sheldon: Bring Penny to meet Mandy.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Hot glue.,Howard: You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.,"Sheldon: Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.",Leonard: What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?,Sheldon: Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?","Penny: Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town.","Sheldon: Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Howard: Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.,Leonard: She’d need some kind of industrial cooling system.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Hmm. Tables work, too. Good to know.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?,"Howard: Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work.","Sheldon: Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard & Howard: Oh!,Penny: I’ve got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen.,"Sheldon: It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Wow.,"Leonard: Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.","Sheldon: We made one heck of a team, huh?",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.","Penny: Well, what’s wrong with my apartment?",Sheldon: You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Uh, pretty much any way I say that is going to hurt his feelings.","Leonard: Okay, what’s wrong with it?",Sheldon: Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Leonard: No, it doesn’t.",Howard: Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators.,"Sheldon: On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.",Leonard: You want to fire me?,Sheldon: I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Uh-huh. Look at the comments.,"Penny: Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet.","Sheldon: Well, if you want to see less of me, maybe we should go out again.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny: How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?,Howard: We add Bluetooth!,"Sheldon: You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.,"Penny: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?","Sheldon: Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny: Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?,"Leonard: The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau.",Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.",Howard: And I’ll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.,Sheldon: Great. See you in about half an hour.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Leonard: Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.,"Penny: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order.",Sheldon: A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.",Penny: I just don’t see how see can pull this off.,"Sheldon: I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?","Howard: They didn’t quit. They were massacred by, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.","Sheldon: Well, hello to you, too.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Raj: We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.,"Howard: Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?",Sheldon: I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Sheldon: I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.,Penny: So?,Sheldon: I’m currently single.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!",Penny: Nicely done.,"Sheldon: Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon (waking up, singing): ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.","Penny: Honey, do you want some coffee?","Sheldon: Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: No, I don’t drink coffee.","Penny: Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time.","Sheldon: Perhaps you can think of this n a more positive light. In one day, you’ve managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Penny: Leonard, help.","Leonard: Sheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make.",Sheldon: Why are you up?,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,Penny: Leonard?,"Leonard: Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail.",Sheldon: Really? I never imagined it any other way.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: You’re right, of course.","Penny: Here, this will help.",Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.,0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon: Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.",Time shift,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.",0
Series 02 Episode 18 – The Work Song Nanocluster,"Sheldon (entering dressed as The Flash): Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?",Penny: We’re all out.,Sheldon: And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Okay, it’s done. Look, guys, for the future, I don’t mind killing the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.",Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s not that bad.",Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Penny: Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?",Leonard: Shh-shh-shh!,"Sheldon: Thank you. And slam it hard, because I am pretty steamed.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Penny: The people upstairs are moving out.,Leonard: No!,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: The horror!,Leonard: Why would you just say something like that?,"Sheldon: I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Penny: How else was I supposed to say it?,"Leonard: Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.",Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: The horror!,"Penny: Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.",Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.","Penny: Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?","Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.","Penny: Well, I’m sure the new people will be just as quiet.","Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Credits sequence.,Scene: Outside Howard’s house.,"Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?","Leonard: I’m sorry, that really is how it works.","Sheldon: Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Leonard: Raj, help me out here.",Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.,Sheldon: Mandy Chao?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon (removing hernia support): I guess I won’t be needing this.,"Scene: The lobby, there are boxes everywhere and removal men are carrying them up the stairs.",Sheldon: He does? Who is it?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Oh, no, the new ones, they’re here.","Leonard: Stay calm, we don’t know anything about them yet. What are you doing?","Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?,Leonard: The box says kitchen.,"Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Blonde girl (arriving): Hello?,Leonard: Hello.,"Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Blonde Girl: Hello.,Leonard: Hello.,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: That’s nice.,"Leonard: Yeah, it is.","Sheldon: Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.",Alicia: Hello.,Sheldon: Wasn’t Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?,Alicia: Freakishly feline?,"Sheldon: Then no, thank you.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.,Leonard: Sheldon…,Sheldon: Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: No.,Leonard: You’re making her uncomfortable.,Sheldon: It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?",Alicia: What?!,"Sheldon: No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.,Alicia: I have no immediate plans.,Sheldon: She broke up with me.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?",Alicia: Pro?,Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Alicia?,Alicia: Yes?,Sheldon: Will someone take me home?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Leonard: I’m helping.,Penny: I can see.,"Sheldon: Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: Cool t-shirt.,"Penny: Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging.","Sheldon: Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: You don’t jog.,Penny: I can start.,"Sheldon: Fine, I guess I’m stuck with Raj.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.","Penny: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Alicia: I’ll see you around.,"Penny: See ya. I’m dressed like a slob today, too.",Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing on an imaginary board. There is a knock on the door.,"Sheldon: Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Come.,Penny (entering): Hey.,"Sheldon: Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.","Penny: Well, sort of.",Sheldon: I see. And is that why everybody was invited but me?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: How does one sort of…,"Penny: I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around?",Sheldon: I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.,"Penny: Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?",Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That’s our thing.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.","Penny: Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical.","Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.","Penny: Okay, now I see the giant squid head. (Leaves)","Sheldon: Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Scene: The apartment. Penny walks in without knocking and collapses on the sofa., ,Sheldon: And who’s this guy you’re taking?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Who is it? Oh hello, Penny, it’s open, come in. Sarcasm.","Penny: Well, they’re all still up there.","Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.","Penny: I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care.","Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.","Penny: What are you saying, that I’m threatened by Alicia? That I’m like the old queen of the hive and it’s just time for me to go?",Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Howard: Yeah, what’s the occasion?","Penny: No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.","Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Amy’s upset? Is it about me?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?,Penny: Yes,"Sheldon: Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Howard: Yum. Starving.,Penny: …chinese food right here.,Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy’s name?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Sheldon: They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.","Penny: I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV?",Sheldon: Whatever.,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.,"Penny: Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.","Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Sheldon: May I interject something here?,Penny: Please.,"Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.",0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,Scene: Outside the building.,"Raj: I like green lantern, I’m just saying it’s pretty lame that He can be defeated by the colour yellow.",Sheldon: Is Penny crying?,0
Series 02 Episode 19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition,"Howard: According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.","Penny: Well, dead whore on TV, live one in real life.",Sheldon: Amy has ended our relationship.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Hu-u-u-uh…. Hu-u-u-uh!,Leonard: Problem?,Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: This is Thai food.,Howard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.,"Leonard: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.","Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you’re an expert on rings. What do I do with this one?",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.","Howard: Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately.",Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Raj: I could go for some goat.,"Leonard: Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight.",Sheldon: Oh.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.,Raj: We went to the comic book store last night.,Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.",Howard: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?,"Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: Oh, absolutely.","Raj: You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you!",Sheldon: Now get out of my spot.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Credits sequence.,"Penny: Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed?",Sheldon: After all these years. I’m really happy for the two of you.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.","Penny: You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?","Sheldon: My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Leonard: Sure. What does he like?,"Penny: I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything.",Sheldon: It’s amusing that he doesn’t hear it.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.",Penny: Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.,"Sheldon: So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?","Penny: Ugh, that’s what I was trying to avoid.","Sheldon: Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Leonard: Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.","Penny: Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew?","Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: A superb choice.,"Penny: Oh, great.",Sheldon: I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.",Penny: What’s a multiverse?,Sheldon: You still didn’t pick a date.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope, ,"Howard: Let it go, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Seriously? Airborne worms?,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Why should I let it go? I saw it first.,"Howard: Yes, but I saw it from the front.",Sheldon: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.,"Howard: Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection.",Sheldon: Things are good right now.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: I need it for my Robin collection.,Howard: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?,"Sheldon: Yeah, shut up, Sheldon.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.,Howard: You let go.,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: No, you!",Leonard: Problem?,Sheldon: Okay. If you say so.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.",Howard: It’s my comic book!,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Leonard: I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.,Howard: I have got to learn how to draw. Hey!,"Sheldon: But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Stuart: You drive a hard bargain, but here.","Penny: All right. So, um, just give me a call.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the comic book. , ,Sheldon: That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?",Leonard: Apparently so.,Sheldon: Too slow?,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Are you ill?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?,Leonard: When did you pick up on that?,"Sheldon: If that happens, don’t make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?","Leonard: Sure, why not?","Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.","Leonard: Gee, thanks a lot.","Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?,Leonard: I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.","Leonard: You’re right, I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.",Sheldon: It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Scene: The stairs., ,"Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Stuart: It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?,"Penny: It’s Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games, right?","Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Stuart: Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?","Penny: Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Stuart: Uh, yeah, I guess.","Penny: Sheldon, we’re a little busy here, so…","Sheldon: Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: What are you doing?,Stuart: We’re having coffee.,Sheldon: Been there.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Penny: I’ll just go look for it.,Stuart: What’s up?,Sheldon: What happened?,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.",Stuart: Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic?,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.","Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong.",Sheldon: Whenever you’re ready.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.,"Stuart: Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.","Sheldon: Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Penny: I found the decaf!,"Stuart: Oh, great!",Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Stuart: I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.","Sheldon: You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.,"Stuart: Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right.","Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: Au contraire.,"Stuart: Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.","Sheldon: Well, one of the things.",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,Sheldon: I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.,"Stuart: Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep.",Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: So, I win.","Stuart: No, I’m tired.",Sheldon: I taught her that.,0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: So, I win.",Stuart: Fine. You win.,"Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?",0
Series 02 Episode 20 – The Hofstadter Isotope,"Sheldon: Darn tootin’, I win.","Stuart: Penny, I really had a terrific time. Penny?",Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Raj: C3PO.,Leonard: You got it.,"Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.","Howard (phone rings): Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now.","Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?","Leonard: No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.","Leonard: Alright, back to the game.",Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.",Raj: Are you Spock?,"Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Leonard: Okay, let’s see. Are you from a TV series?",Howard: She dumped me!,"Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Raj: What happened with Leslie, why did she dump you?","Howard: I don’t know. She just said Howard, momma’s a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.",Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Leonard: Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?",Howard: I don’t want to go anywhere.,Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Howard: Sea World, baby!","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, are you coming?","Sheldon: You mean the box, right?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Leonard: Great, we’ll bring you back a tee-shirt.",Scene: The lobby.,"Sheldon: Oh, sure.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour.","Penny: Hello, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening?,Penny: Great.,Sheldon: You remember my mother.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Good. I’m glad.,Penny: Really? Are you drunk?,"Sheldon: Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.","Penny: That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right?","Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.","Penny: Mmm, what smells so good?","Sheldon: Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.","Penny: Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening.",Sheldon: I was a handful.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.","Penny: Have fun, Sheldon.",Sheldon: But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.",Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.,"Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.","Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.,Penny: Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.,"Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Where?,Penny: In your apartment.,"Sheldon: Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: What’s it doing in my apartment?,"Penny: Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.","Sheldon: Doctor Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?,"Penny: It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.,"Penny: Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.","Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?,"Penny: Yeah, why not?","Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I’m just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: So, how was your day?","Penny: Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don’t have to.","Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: No, it’s the accepted convention. How was your day?","Penny: Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different…","Sheldon: Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s question 20, you have to guess.","Penny: Oh, God, I don’t know Sheldon, are you Star Wars?","Sheldon: Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie?,"Penny: Okay, I give up, can we just do something else?",Sheldon: You act like I didn’t get you that mushroom log on Valentine’s Day.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?,"Penny: Where did that even come from, did he say we were?","Sheldon: Don’t worry, everyone in here is safe.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.","Penny: No, just mail, no benefits.","Sheldon: Yes, it’s a robot uprising. Call the police.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Hmm, I see.",Penny: Why are you asking?,"Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.","Penny: Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship.",Sheldon: Then who is?,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Can you?,Penny: Excuse me?,"Sheldon: It is awful, isn’t it? Listen to that noise.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?,"Penny: Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you.",Sheldon: That’s what my train used to do.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?,"Penny: Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell?",Sheldon: Check.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…","Penny: I’m uncomfortable, Sheldon!",Sheldon: Check.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization, ,"Penny: I don’t think the manager’s coming tonight so, here.",Sheldon: You call tech support.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch.,"Penny: Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with.",Sheldon: Whoa.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.","Penny: Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.",Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: May I say one last thing.,Penny: Only if it doesn’t rhyme.,"Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Penny.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I can’t sleep. how are you going?,Penny: Maybe that’s because your hole is still open.,Sheldon: You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I’m homesick.,Penny: Your home is twenty feet from here.,"Sheldon: Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.",Penny: Damn it. What do you want me to do,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Sing soft kitty.,Penny: That’s only for when you’re sick.,Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn’t work.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick.,"Penny: Come on, do I really have to?","Sheldon: So, can you get it working?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk.,"Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um…",Sheldon: Not very.,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Sleepy kitty.,Penny: Sleepy ki…,Sheldon: What about this one?,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: No. Start over.,"Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.","Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Penny.,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: Won’t that void the warranty?,0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here.,"Penny: Oh, you’re welcome sweetie.","Sheldon: Oh, no.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,Scene: The stairwell. , ,"Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.",0
Series 02 Episode 21 – The Vegas Renormalization,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re finally home.",Leonard: What were you doing at Penny’s?,Sheldon: Yay.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Scene: The comic book store., ,"Sheldon: Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… eleven. It’s a good thing I didn’t send that letter.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,where no man has gone before.,Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?,"Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Howard: Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.","Raj: He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two.","Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.","Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing.",Sheldon: You see where I’m going with this.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.",Stuart: I didn’t spoil anything.,Sheldon: Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.",Stuart: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: It actually says at least?,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: Why the hell not?,Stuart: ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow.,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?",Stuart: No.,Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard’s phone rings. ,Leonard: Oh. It’s Stuart.,Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: You’re not going to answer it?,Leonard: He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny.,Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make I told you so cards in braille.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.",Leonard: Why would he call me?,"Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.","Leonard: I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.","Leonard: No! There, it went to voice mail.","Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: Aren’t you going to check your messages?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: No, the guy in charge is in ch… why is everyone so bad at these?",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.",Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.,"Sheldon: Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: At times.,"Howard: Guys, we have a code red.","Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: How teeny tiny?,Howard: It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes.,"Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.,"Howard: Yeah, see, that’s the code red. It’s kind of like a jack-in-the-box, no one knows exactly when, but at some point something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.","Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Howard: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.","Raj: I’m trying, but you have to admit this is pretty damn funny.",Sheldon: We looked great.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Howard: Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.",Raj: You mean so it doesn’t hit the fan?,"Sheldon: Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Raj: Be afraid of Penny, nice, very crafty.",Leonard: It wasn’t bad advice. It just wasn’t particularly helpful.,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.",Scene: Later.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.,"Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.","Sheldon: You’re out, and you’re out. I win. Who wants pizza?",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Howard: Speaking of what goes around comes around…,"Raj: Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?","Sheldon: Bah, you didn’t say building on. You’re out.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.,Raj: What if we reposition the collection tank?,"Sheldon: Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: It won’t work. No way to mount it.,"Howard: Okay, here’s an idea. What if I change my name and go live with my cousin and her husband Avi in Israel?","Sheldon: Uh, building on that, we should order dinner.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: Hang on, I think I’ve got this. Help me see if we can wedge this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.",Sheldon: Tonight works better for me.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Sheldon: You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.,"Howard: Sheldon, I know what I’m doing.","Sheldon: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Howard: Where are you going?,Leonard: Comic book store.,Sheldon: Certainly.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Raj: Me, too.","Howard: Hold on, you can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.","Sheldon: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard?",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Raj: Wow, that’s heavy.","Howard: Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.,0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,"Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.","Howard: Okay, simulated zero-gravity human waste disposal test with meat loaf analog in three, two, one. (Switches flush. Meatloaf hits ceiling.)","Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. And also regarding the bat, it has sonar.",0
Series 02 Episode 22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence,Leonard: Howard’s space toilet. I’ll tell you later.,"Howard: Well, they’ve deployed our solution. Let’s just all hope it works.","Sheldon: Ah, it’s just like he’s here.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is working on a whiteboard.,"Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, boy.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.,"Leonard: Then what was oh, boy?","Sheldon: Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.,Leonard: There’s nothing wrong with the science here.,"Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.,"Leonard (making a change): Okay, how’s that?",Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: Mmm.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.,"Leonard: Yes, how did we live before Twitter? I guess you’ll find out what it is in the morning.","Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Credits sequence.,Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, trains, tell me more, or you can just look at me like that and I’ll start.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s two o’clock in the morning.","Sheldon: I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is?,Leonard: Everybody?,"Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.",Leonard: You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night?,"Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.","Leonard: You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to.","Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?,Leonard: Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it.,"Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.",Leonard: Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole?,"Sheldon: I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”","Leonard: Okay, well, do you want to go?","Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.","Leonard: Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death.",Sheldon: Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Leonard: Maybe.,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?","Leonard: Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now.",Sheldon: Excellent.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.","Leonard: Well, then don’t go.","Sheldon: All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.,"Leonard: All right, then go.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Listen to you. How can I possibly go?,"Leonard: Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?",Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.",Leonard: How was it resolved?,"Sheldon: Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Leonard: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.,"Raj: Our dreams are very small, aren’t they?","Sheldon: There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…",All: Yeah! Woo-hoo!,"Sheldon: Hey, would you like to hear some songs I’ve rewritten to get children interested in the hard sciences?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Leonard: It’s not gonna be the same without you.,Howard: Godspeed.,Sheldon: Not there. That’s my spot.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.","Raj: Ooh, I don’t like where this is going.","Sheldon: I want to say no, but it’s too glorious. Get in here.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.,Howard: To the North Pole?,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away?,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.",Howard: Really?,Sheldon: We built a fort.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Howard: And you think you can put up with Sheldon?,"Raj: Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!","Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Raj: Me, too.","Howard: Oh, damn it. Peer pressure. Fine.",Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.",Scene: Outside Penny’s door.,"Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,Sheldon: That’s a big step.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,"Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.", ,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What do you want?,"Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or fort off, are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.,"Penny: Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.",Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.",Penny: You’re all going?,"Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: For three months?,Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Excuse me.,Sheldon: I’ll get the blankets. You Google how to have childlike fun.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Leonard: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.","Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don’t have to apologize. There’s no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.",Sheldon: Isn’t that a little juvenile?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.",Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Penny: Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.",Leonard: Did she seem upset to you?,"Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: No. Did she seem upset to you?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?",Leonard: A little bit.,"Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Two for two. I’m on fire.,"Leonard: I mean, I know she’s not my girlfriend or anything, but wouldn’t you think she’d feel a little bad that I’m going to be gone for the whole summer?",Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Scene: Inside the cheesecake factory freezer., ,"Sheldon: I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you’re concerned, I’m smiling. Although, I must admit, I’m smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon (pointing at his brain): Right here. All right, team, open up your practice kits. As the university did not permit me to bring the actual equipment we’ll be using to the Cheesecake Factory, because apparently I’m “ridiculous,” I’ve provided substitutes which will exercise your fine motor skills. Leonard, you will be doing a series of complex mathematical problems on a vintage Casio model 1175 calculator watch I received when I won the Earth Science medal in 3rd grade. Treat it with respect. Raj, you will be painting sideburns and a Van Dyke on a six-inch figurine of Legolas the elf. Now, remember, a Van Dyke is a goatee without a moustache. Wolowitz, you will be completing a series of delicate surgical procedures on the classic children’s game, Operation. To begin with, you will remove funny bone for two hundred dollars.",Howard: For this I went to MIT.,Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Raj: I think I swallowed some paint!,"Leonard: I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch!","Sheldon: Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Leonard: Okay, I can’t do this.",Raj: Me either.,"Sheldon: I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Howard: You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.,"Leonard: Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.",Sheldon: Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Scene: The apartment kitchen., ,Sheldon: Agreed.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Here, drink slash eat this.",Leonard: What is it?,Sheldon: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter.,"Howard: Okay, why?","Sheldon: I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.","Leonard: Sheldon, you know I can’t eat butter. I’m lactose intolerant.","Sheldon: Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Howard: Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.","Mrs Koothrappali: So, she has no problem with her son being eaten by a walrus?","Sheldon: Amy, the Daleks are right on my tail, quick, we need to reset the time circuits. Oh, no, I left my sonic screwdriver behind.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is asleep. There is a knock on the door.,"Leonard: Sheldon, Sheldon?","Sheldon: It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: I want a cookie, Meemaw.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s me.","Sheldon: And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: But Meemaw just made cookies.,"Leonard: Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition.",Sheldon: That’s amazing.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: What?,Leonard: I don’t think I can go to the North Pole.,Sheldon: I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.","Leonard: Yeah, that’s very comforting.",Sheldon: See?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.","Leonard: Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go.","Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?",Leonard: Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.,"Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: What is it?,Leonard: It’s a blanket with sleeves.,"Sheldon: Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?","Leonard: Yes, obviously.",Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.","Leonard: Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else?","Sheldon: Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? Ooh, grumpy you are.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.,"Leonard: So, I can’t go.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.",Leonard: You really think so?,Sheldon: But why are you here?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Howard: What?,Leonard: We’re out of ice.,"Sheldon: So, what are you in for?",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Raj: He’s right.,"Howard: Yeah, wow.","Sheldon: Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who…",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Raj: I say double feature.,Leonard: Dinner’s ready!,Sheldon: Do you think they’re gonna call the police?,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: What are we having?,Leonard: Reconstituted Thai food.,"Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it’s rustic, it’s lovely. I’d take a picture, but people are chasing me. I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it. They have Tasers, but they wouldn’t dare use… Aaaaaaagh!",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?,Leonard: Check.,"Sheldon: Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?,Leonard: Check.,Sheldon: What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend.,0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,"Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?","Leonard: Uh, oh, sorry.","Sheldon: Oh, you are killing me.",0
Series 02 Episode 23 – The Monopolar Expedition,Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.,Howard: There’s no time for a crossbow. Find me an icicle.,"Sheldon: All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Howard: I can’t believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.,Raj: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.,Sheldon: Honesty will never get us in.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.",Scene: The apartment door. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I’m home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I’m all but certain there’s a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’m entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.",Leonard: I’m going to go let Penny know we’re back.,"Sheldon: All right, we’ve defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: A moment later.,Sheldon: You’re blowing it. We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Howard: Great.,Raj: Thanks.,"Sheldon: You pushed it, are you out of your mind?",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.",Raj: We have to tell him.,"Sheldon: Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Tell me what?,Howard: Damn his Vulcan hearing.,"Sheldon: There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?","Howard: Okay, Sheldon, sit down.",Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.","Howard: Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.",Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Raj: It’s not about that.,Howard: And we agreed to never speak of it again.,Sheldon: This is so amazing.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.,"Howard: That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy.",Sheldon: There it is. It’s just a gate. On a road.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Howard: Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.","Raj: He just went colon, capital O.",Sheldon: What are you talking about?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Howard: We had to.,Raj: It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian.,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.,"Howard: Actually, it was his idea.","Sheldon: Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Penny: I couldn’t even think of anyone else while you were gone.,"Leonard: Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask.",Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",Leonard (whispering): Do not make a sound.,"Sheldon: Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.,"Leonard: Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Oh, this is ridiculous. What?",Sheldon: Will our hotel room be ready?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?",Penny: It’s great to see you too. Come on in.,Sheldon: Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Leonard: Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.","Penny: Okay, can someone please tell me what’s going on here?","Sheldon: So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?,"Leonard: Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.",Sheldon: Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.,"Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.",Sheldon: And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.","Leonard: Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn’t have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it’s no big deal.","Sheldon: So they’re requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Penny knocks and enters.,Penny: Hey. Do you want to talk?,Sheldon: What reference?,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!,"Penny: Oh, hon… Uh… (singing)  Soft kitty, warm kitty…","Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.,Penny: Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song.,"Sheldon: I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.,"Penny: Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through.","Sheldon: We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?,"Penny: Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag.",Sheldon: I don’t want to play anymore.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?,"Penny: Well, they’re pretty tasty.",Sheldon: Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?","Penny: Look, Sheldon, I just don’t think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it’s like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn’t true, like saying Spock didn’t care his mom died?","Sheldon: I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Raj: I feel bad for the guy.,"Leonard: Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself?",Sheldon: Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called I Can’t Spy? It’s all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.",Leonard: Come on. We said we were sorry.,"Sheldon: And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener. Um, noise-cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Um, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Uh, let’s see, we have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose. Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn’t some kind of weirdo.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.,"Kripke (arriving): Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation.",Sheldon: I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.,Kripke: That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.",Kripke: Off a cwiff.,"Sheldon: Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged…,Kripke: Compwetely wecked.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.","Kripke: Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein’s cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you’re still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser.",Sheldon: They did.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation, ,"Mrs Cooper: Here you go, Shelly.",Sheldon: Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.","Mrs Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.","Sheldon: You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert…",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Aw, Mom.","Mrs Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all…","Sheldon: She said my name first, that must kill you.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Fed.,"Mrs Cooper: Give us, Lord, our daily…",Sheldon: I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Bread.,Mrs Cooper: Please know that we are truly…,"Sheldon: Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Grateful.,Mrs Cooper: For every cup and every…,"Sheldon: Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Plateful.,"Mrs Cooper: Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?","Sheldon: Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.,Mrs Cooper: Whatever. Jesus still loves you.,"Sheldon: Yeah, so are you.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?","Sheldon: Leonard, please. His mother just died.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,Sheldon: They’re not my friends.,"Mrs Cooper: All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids.","Sheldon: Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Leonard: Uh, yes, ma’am.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, good. I’ve been praying for you. Oh, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That’s a lovely little notion. Kind of like, I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago. Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. Hello? Oh, hold on. Leonard, it’s your uncle. He says you just got burned.",0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Leonard: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.","Mrs Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.",Sheldon: I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution.,0
Series 03 Episode 01 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.",Mrs Cooper: And that is your opinion.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m aware. It features Whoopi Goldberg. She played Guinan on Star Trek: Next Gen. Penny, Next Gen refers to Star Trek…",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The comic book store.,"Howard: Sheldon, you’re wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws.","Sheldon: Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: Okay, first of all…","Raj: Give it up, dude, you’re arguing with a crazy person.",Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Leonard: There’s more to life than sex, Raj.","Howard: Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours”?","Sheldon: But you got it, right?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Leonard: It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.,"Howard: What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.","Sheldon: Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.,"Raj: Okay, who had Leonard gets a floppy disk?",Sheldon: Is it my fault that when the reporter cited me as the lead scientist I didn’t correct him?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Howard: Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.,Raj: That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down.,Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, dinner’s here.",Sheldon: Is it my fault I have a much bigger reputation than he does?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Tandoori Palace?,"Leonard: No, we went somewhere new.","Sheldon: Fine. Then Grumpy, what’s he so grumpy about? Maybe his girlfriend won’t take his side.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?","Leonard: No, look, Mumbai Palace.","Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Penny: What are they talking about?,Leonard: I don’t know,Sheldon: All he had was an idea.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…,Leonard: Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.,"Sheldon: Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Penny: Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.","Leonard: Penny, wait. Aagh! What is wrong with you?",Sheldon: Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.","Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard’s got one and you don’t.","Sheldon: Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Raj: What’s that?,Howard: Sounds like a cricket.,Sheldon: He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.","Howard: Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that?",Sheldon: I did.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.",Raj: How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is?,Sheldon: I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.","Howard: Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.","Raj: Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess.","Sheldon: Well, I’d give more examples, but, well, everyone in your position’s so forgettable.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.,"Howard: Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket.","Sheldon: You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I can’t take your money.,"Howard: What’s the matter, you chicken?",Sheldon: You should know I had nothing to do with that.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.",Raj: Chickens can’t climb trees,"Sheldon: It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Thank God.,"Howard: Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me.","Sheldon: I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose?,"Howard: I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.",Sheldon: They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Penny: Hit me.,"Scene: The apartment, the guys are still searching for the cricket. They are inside the cupboard.",Sheldon: You know how the PennySaver only has my name…,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Howard: Shh!,Raj: Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.),"Sheldon: No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?",Howard: Shh! Elevator shaft.,Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Help me open it.,Howard: Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft.,"Sheldon: Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.",Howard: Let’s open her up.,"Sheldon: Oh, right. This is a disaster.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?,"Howard: Don’t push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.","Sheldon: Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The elevator shaft. Sheldon is inside.,Raj: Be careful.,Sheldon: Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.",Raj (hearing the cricket): Stairwell.,"Sheldon: For the record, that kid was a terrible choice. If you cry when you drop your churro, you do not have what it takes to rule England.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj has the cricket in a jar.,"Raj: Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?","Sheldon: Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.,Raj: What would you name him?,Sheldon: But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.","Howard: All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast’s Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Leonard: God, I had the most horrible night.",Raj: What happened?,Sheldon: Grass is always greener?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.,Howard: Shiksa. Shik-sa.,Sheldon: Squeaky wheel gets the grease?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.","Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again.","Sheldon: Oh, I’d be incensed.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: All right. Tell you what, let’s go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor",Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is.,"Sheldon: Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Howard: You’re such a girl. They’re just bugs.,"Raj: Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.",Sheldon: Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome,Prof Crawley (arriving): Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle?,Sheldon: All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?",Prof Crawley: Who wants to know?,"Sheldon: Well, that can’t be right.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.,"Prof Crawley: Couldn’t wait, huh?",Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Prof Crawley: What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?,Raj: I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.,"Sheldon: Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Howard: Well, could you look at Toby?",Prof Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket.,"Sheldon: Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Prof Crawley: It’s a field cricket.,Howard: Yes!,"Sheldon: Good idea. And since you’ve had such a rough day, I’m gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard’s face.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?","Prof Crawley: Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.","Sheldon: They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.","Prof Crawley: Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything!","Sheldon: You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Scene: The lobby.,"Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book?","Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.,Penny: What do you have a safe deposit box for?,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.,"Penny: What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular.",Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.","Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either.","Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?,"Penny: I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard.",Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.",Penny: What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken?,"Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.,"Penny: Okay, forget the chicken.",Sheldon: Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.","Penny: No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard.","Sheldon: Afterwards, Leonard blew his nose, and pie came out.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?,"Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.",Sheldon: But I made a video.,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.,Scene: The apartment,"Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: Hey. What’s going on?,"Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.",Leonard: Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life?,"Sheldon: Yep, you’re mad.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,"Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.","Leonard: Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?",Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon:  Yes.,Leonard: Interesting.,Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?,0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Hardly.,Leonard: Excuse me.,"Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.",0
Series 03 Episode 02 – The Jiminy Conjecture,Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again?,Leonard: Little bit. (Exits),"Sheldon: Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Scene: The apartment kitchen. Penny is cooking breakfast while singing and dancing along to “Man I Feel Like A Woman” by Shenia Twain. Sheldon enters.,"Penny: Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.",Sheldon: So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: No.,Penny: Why not?,"Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.",Penny: Are you fun in any of them?,Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.,"Penny: All right, want some French toast?",Sheldon: I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.,"Penny: Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal.","Sheldon: Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn’t that right, Giuseppe?",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?",Leonard: Morning.,Sheldon: Would you have approved?,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.",Leonard: Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet.,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.","Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.",Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?,"Leonard: No, her bed kind of… broke.","Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Leonard: Don’t do that.,"Penny: Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: I want oatmeal.,"Penny: Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.",Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.","Penny: You know what, I give up. He’s impossible.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”","Leonard: Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.","Sheldon: Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that’s also why I chose you as a roommate.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.","Leonard: I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.","Sheldon: After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?,Leonard: It’s a… (gives up),"Sheldon: No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Leonard: Wow!,Penny: I know. What are the odds?,"Sheldon: Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…","Leonard: Sheldon! it’s an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that?",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Leonard: Come on, you guys, let it go.","Penny: Fine, whatever. Are you finished?",Sheldon: Do you want to say it?,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny: Um, yeah, sure, thanks.",Leonard: What was that?,"Sheldon: As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.,"Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don’t.","Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re back.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Leonard: Howard, what did you do?","Howard: They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.",Sheldon: Aah! And after I let you be Gary.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.",Howard: Really?,"Sheldon: Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Leonard: They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.,"Penny: They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.",Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Penny: What’s this cartoon called again?,Leonard: Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.,"Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.","Penny: Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.","Sheldon: And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.,"Penny: Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip.","Sheldon: No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny: Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…","Leonard: Okay, I know what you’re doing.","Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: Really?,"Leonard: Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.","Sheldon: Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?,"Leonard: No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.",Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.","Leonard: Well, you shouldn’t.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.","Leonard: No, this has to stop now.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.","Leonard: No, you’re not sanding Penny.","Sheldon: Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny (voice outside door): Oh’ my God, she didn’t!",Leonard: What could she possibly be talking about for so long?,"Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.",Leonard: No.,Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.",Leonard: You’re not squirting her in the face with water.,Sheldon: We’re not supposed to talk during this part.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.",Leonard: Forget it.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.","Leonard: I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.","Sheldon: Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon You wouldn’t prefer a throaty chuckle?,Leonard: You’re not changing how Penny laughs.,Sheldon: That’s it. We’re done with the questions.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.","Penny (entering): Uh, sorry guys, that girl is (high pitched) freaky!",Sheldon: You’re making it difficult to love you right now.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Sheldon (lower voice): Freaky?,"Penny (lower voice): Yeah, freaky.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,Howard: What are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number?,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.,0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.",Penny: Of course.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.",0
Series 03 Episode 03 – The Gothowitz Deviation,"Penny: Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.",Leonard: Let’s go.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.,Leonard: What do you mean?,Sheldon: You sure it’s not too much Bible juice?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Leonard: Hey.,"Howard: Ooh, we’re honey now, are we?",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.",Penny: You’re boring people sweetie.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Leonard: We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.",Penny: Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving?,"Sheldon: Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.",Leonard: Oh. I’ll be there.,Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?,Penny: I guess I could serve both.,Sheldon: Ha. Keep dreaming.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.","Leonard: What do you mean, he’s getting deported?",Sheldon: I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?","Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.",Sheldon: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Leonard: So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?","Raj: You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?","Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Leonard: Don’t worry, you’ll find another job.",Raj: Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”,Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.",Raj: Hello Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.",Raj: I’m sad.,"Sheldon: I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.,Raj: What are you eating?,Sheldon: You didn’t mention Leonard.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Leonard: I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?,Raj: We believe cows are gods.,Sheldon: That’s it?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.","Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!",Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,"Raj: Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.","Sheldon: Oh, I didn’t think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.",Raj: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.",Raj: I’m on it.,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: That’s happy, right?",Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon (arriving): Gentlemen.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?",Raj: No.,Sheldon: Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…","Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?",Sheldon: You ready to begin?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.",Raj: You want me to work with you?,"Sheldon: Okay, babe, let’s do this.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.,"Raj: Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.","Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It’s the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Raj (knocking and entering): Sheldon, are you busy?","Sheldon: Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.,Raj: Shall I wait?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?",Raj: I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.,"Sheldon: In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: For me.,"Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.","Sheldon: So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.",Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: You didn’t even let me finish.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I reject them all.,Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.",Raj: Wha… You’re kidding!,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Please.,Raj: All right.,Sheldon: It won’t be as good.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?","Raj: Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years.","Sheldon: I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?","Raj: Sheldon, for God’s sakes, don’t make me beg.","Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn’t have any friends to help me through it. You do.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Howard: Fine, let’s watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: But I think it would be comforting.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.","Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.",Sheldon: May I say something?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.,"Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.","Sheldon: Oh, I can help you with that. Imagine you’re holding an ordinary pen. While your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"(To the tune of Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, there is a montage of images, in all of which Sheldon and Raj are staring at the same equation on a whiteboard.) ",Raj: Sheldon.,Sheldon: That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: What?,Raj: I need an aspirin.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Top desk drawer.,Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: Hang on.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Alright?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: I can’t. I’m naked.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution, ,"Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?",Sheldon: I think I left my pen in there.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?,Raj: I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space.,Sheldon: Penny?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Astro means star.,"Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.","Sheldon: I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: English is your native language.,"Raj: Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this!","Sheldon: Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.,"Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.","Sheldon: No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Caca?,Raj: It means doo-doo.,"Sheldon: She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…",Raj: Aha! So I am working with you.,"Sheldon: Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.","Raj: Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry)","Sheldon: Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.",Raj: Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.,Sheldon: Are you sure?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.",Raj: Let me finish.,Sheldon: What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.,"Raj: I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it.",Sheldon: I may have a better way that you can teach me.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: Give me the eraser.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I said give it to me.,Raj: Come and get it.,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!",Raj: You are not my superior.,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Scene: Outside Raj’s flat., ,Sheldon: How does that work?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.",Raj: I’m busy.,Sheldon: The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.","Raj: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?,0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.,Raj: So you were wrong.,"Sheldon: Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I didn’t say that.,Raj: That’s the only logical inference.,"Sheldon: Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I’m so… Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.",Raj: For you or with you?,"Sheldon: Okay, now you’re getting creative.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.,"Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.","Sheldon: Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I reject them all.,Raj: I’ll take the job. See you Monday.,"Sheldon: Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,"Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.",Raj: How did you get here?,"Sheldon: No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.",0
Series 03 Episode 04 – The Pirate Solution,Sheldon: I walked.,Raj: So walk home.,Sheldon: Why would she do this to me?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Leonard: Just play a potion card.,Penny: Which one?,"Sheldon: Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Leonard: Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.",Penny: How could he ruin the game?,Sheldon: No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Leonard: See? Ruined.,"Penny: Sheldon, that is incredible.",Sheldon: I’m mad at Amy.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.",Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.,"Sheldon: If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.","Leonard: Yeah, I don’t remember that.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Leonard: Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.","Raj: Hey, how come I wasn’t part of this deal?","Sheldon: I’m being petty? You know Barry and I have a professional rivalry. You heard him, he told me to suck eggs. If we were friends, he would have suggested I suck something more pleasant. Why are you laughing? Did you learn something?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Leonard: Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?","Sheldon: That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, no.",Leonard: But you have a whole bunch of ’em.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Leonard: I’ll see what I can do.,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?",Sheldon: Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.",Raj: Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: That would probably save us some time.,"Raj: Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable.","Sheldon: What do you want, Barry?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.",Raj: What about the money?,"Sheldon: Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: I have money.,Raj: But this is other money.,"Sheldon: Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have?,Raj: Half of it will be mine.,Sheldon: Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Penny: Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.",Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.,"Stuart: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?","Sheldon: I’ve invented a science joke, would you like to hear it?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.,"Stuart: All right, I won’t set one aside for you.","Sheldon: Good to see you again, Mr. Stephen-Hawking Liked-Our-Paper.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: But I must have it.,"Stuart: Okay, I’ll set one aside for you.",Sheldon: Then why are you attacking us?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Raj: Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?","Stuart: Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.",Sheldon: Professor Hawking?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,The Next Generation is going to be participating in your tournament?,"Stuart: Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?","Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.","Raj: Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here.",Sheldon: He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.","Raj: Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here.",Sheldon: Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.","Raj: Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here.","Sheldon: Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (Skype tone) It’s him. He’s trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken this into the real world.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.","Raj: Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here.","Sheldon: I told him we’ll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.","Raj: No doubt, sign here.",Sheldon: I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Scene: The comic book store.,"Raj: Sheldon, it’s your play. Sheldon.",Sheldon: And send.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.,"Raj: Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top!","Sheldon: Yeah, but it’s still so aggravating.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!","Raj: You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters.","Sheldon: He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?,"Raj: Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship.","Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying oh, really?",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.","Raj: Dude, you have to stop talking like that. It’s really lame.",Sheldon: He still hasn’t responded. What’s taking him so long?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Scene: The comic book store., ,Sheldon: We’re just standing behind her. It’s not like we’re gonna say boo and scare her.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Stuart: Nest of snakes.,Wil Wheaton: Underworld guardian.,"Sheldon: My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.,Wil Wheaton: Invisibility spell.,"Sheldon: Hmm. No, not yet.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Luminescence spell.,Wil Wheaton: Water nymph.,"Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’m about to show this guy just how horny I can be.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Fire demon.,Wil Wheaton: Two-headed tiger.,Sheldon: Can I respond now?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Three-headed lion.,Wil Wheaton: Sulphur.,Sheldon: He just left another comment.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Raj: Problem, Wil Wheaton?",Wil Wheaton: Hang on.,"Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.",Wil Wheaton: I think he’s got me.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m responding to it.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.",Wil Wheaton: What?,Sheldon: Who wrote that?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.","Wil Wheaton: You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.",Sheldon: Read another one.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.,"Wil Wheaton: Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you.","Sheldon: I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.","Wil Wheaton: It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?","Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.",0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,"Wil Wheaton: It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.","Raj: What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him!",Sheldon: Then we’re probably okay.,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Sheldon: I can’t.,Raj: Sure you can. Do it! Do it!,Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?,0
Series 03 Episode 05 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary,Raj: No! Not enchanted bunny!,"Wil Wheaton: I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie.",Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Raj: Kites ho!,"All three: Kites, ho!","Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Penny: Kite fighting?,"Leonard: Oh, yeah. It’s an extremely competitive, cutthroat sport.",Sheldon: Come on. Click the mouse with me.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Penny: See ya.,"Leonard: Well, this sucks.",Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?","Raj: Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites.","Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex, ,Scene: The park.,"Sheldon: Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.",Leonard: Why wouldn’t Penny want her friends to meet me?,"Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.","Leonard: Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her.",Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.",Leonard: Sorry.,Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Howard: Hold my line.,"Raj: Wait, what are you doing? I can’t scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!","Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Raj: Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.","Leonard: So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be?","Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.","Leonard: Oh, how kind of her.","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll take it back.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Howard: I totally had a shot.,"Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That’s not a shot, that’s a felony. What’s worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could give me my kite back?",Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Howard: All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.","Leonard: Sacks, sacks…","Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.,Leonard: Huh… Scrimmage…,Sheldon: I like it. I think you’re on to something.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Howard: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?","Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?",Sheldon: It’s good.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.",Leonard: Unbelievable.,"Sheldon: Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.",Leonard: So you could teach me?,Sheldon: Hmm.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?,Leonard: Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.,Sheldon: Hmm.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.","Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.",Sheldon: Of course not.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.","Leonard: Please, I’m asking you as a friend.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m feeling much better. And I’ve also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: That’s not gonna work.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Fine.,Leonard: I really appreciate this.,"Sheldon: Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.",Leonard: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex, ,Leonard: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?,"Sheldon: No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?,Leonard: What’s wrong with a football jersey?,"Sheldon: Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.","Leonard: I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs.",Sheldon: Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.","Leonard: Anyway, wish me luck.","Sheldon: I knew you’d understand, Armadillo Isaac Newton.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?","Leonard: Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way.","Sheldon: And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. When all I’ve done is try to help humanity reach of the world we live in.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: How would you put it?,"Leonard: Yeah, okay, like you said.","Sheldon: Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.","Leonard: Good-Bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?,"Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m trying to fit in, not get laughed at.","Sheldon: Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Leonard: Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.",Penny: I know. I just need you stop talking.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Sheldon, come in.","Sheldon: Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.",Penny: There’s some in the fridge.,"Sheldon: But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.","Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.","Sheldon: There you go, perfect.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?",Leonard: Mimesis?,"Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.",0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.,Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?,Sheldon: He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.","Leonard: Oh, I guess so.",Sheldon: I know. It’s replaced Godzilla as my principle source of anxiety.,0
Series 03 Episode 06 – The Cornhusker Vortex,"Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?","Leonard: I don’t want to fly kites, Sheldon. We’re watching football here.","Sheldon: Oh, you said it.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game.",Sheldon: I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Leonard: We must not be playing it right.,"Penny: All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed.",Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.,Penny: Yay.,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.","Leonard: Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don’t think we can play on Sunday.","Sheldon: Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Leonard: Wait. What are you talking about?,"Penny: My friend, Justin.","Sheldon: Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.",Leonard: Who is this Justin?,"Sheldon: Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: I told you about him.,"Leonard: No, you didn’t.","Sheldon: You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard.","Penny: Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.","Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.","Leonard: Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.","Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?,Leonard: What was your first clue?,"Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.,Leonard: I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!,Sheldon: Ladies.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.,"Penny: How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot? It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my freakin’ life!","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!","Leonard: I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.","Sheldon: You guys are the worst. Thank you, I think that was helpful.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?,"Leonard: No, we just had a little spat.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, then do it.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Leonard: I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch.,"Sheldon: I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.","Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?","Leonard: An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely.","Sheldon: Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.",Leonard: And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!,"Sheldon: Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.","Leonard: What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you!",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car!,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: I can’t listen to the two of you fight anymore.,Scene: Leaving the apartment.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Come on, come on, we’re late.","Leonard: Calm down, we’ll make the movie.","Sheldon: Oh, that is infuriating. Ooh, look, they went back up again. Terrific. Oh, no, they went back down.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.","Raj: Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.","Sheldon: Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Penny: Hey.,"Leonard: Hey. We’re, uh, going to the movies.","Sheldon: Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Leonard: Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?","Penny: Not really, no.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Raj: Well, that was rather unpleasant.","Howard: Yeah, I don’t think I need my preshow urination anymore.",Sheldon: Perhaps this was a waste of time.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification, ,Howard: Hey! Look! Amazing Spider-Man 183.,Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Howard: Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!",Raj: You brought your mother into this!,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification, ,"Penny: Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.",Penny: Is Leonard coming?,Sheldon: And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.","Penny: Well, that’s not gonna happen.","Sheldon: You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.",Penny: Which is?,Sheldon: Done.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.,Penny: I’m busy.,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose…",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.",Penny: Fine. What do you want?,"Sheldon: According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?","Penny: No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich.","Sheldon: Boy, I’m not nearly as mysterious as I think I am.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.","Penny: Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?",Sheldon: I’m not going. Would you like to know why?,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Of course not. I’ll have my usual.,Penny: Great.,Sheldon: And to clarify?,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?,Penny: Don’t you usually get lemonade?,"Sheldon: Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Do you want lemonade?,Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Anything else?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.",Penny: I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.,"Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,"Penny: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go.",Sheldon: I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.",Penny: Leonard is wrong.,Sheldon: Like a big old baby.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?","Penny: I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed?",Sheldon: I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why?,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?,"Penny: Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?","Sheldon: How could there be, with these constant interruptions?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.",Penny: My singing?,Sheldon: Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.","Penny: Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so?","Sheldon: Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.","Penny: Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead!","Sheldon: Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour.",Leonard: Sure.,Sheldon: Okay. Go ahead.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Right now would be good.,Penny (knocking): Leonard!,Sheldon: I saw that.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: Really? Why not? You’re so smart, and I’m so dumb!",Scene: Raj’s apartment.,Sheldon: It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: All right, what’s going on?","Leonard: It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us.","Sheldon: There we go, compromising again. We really are the best.",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Sheldon: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.,"Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting.",Sheldon: When I’m not home.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Sheldon: I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.","Penny: Okay, there’s going to no more shouting and no skeet-shooting.",Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,Leonard: Always is a long time. Sure. Always.,"Penny: You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?","Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually?",0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Leonard: Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.","Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.",Sheldon: That’s exactly what I told him.,0
Series 03 Episode 07 – The Guitarist Amplification,"Penny: He’s a musician. He’ll sleep in his own vomit, if he has to.","Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is in his spot. Beside him, a long haired bearded person is asleep. There is a guitar propped up on the arm of the sofa.","Sheldon: I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I’m aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Howard: Oh, this sucks, I’m switching back to Real Sex.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: It’s okay.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Scene: The apartment., ,Sheldon: I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.",Penny (voice off): Sheldon help!,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..",Penny: Come in! Hurry!,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: I’m back here.,"Sheldon: You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..","Penny: Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom!","Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Shall I come back at a better time?,Penny: Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock.,Sheldon: Is that true?,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Hello.,"Penny: I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder.","Sheldon: Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.,Penny: I know. I slipped.,"Sheldon: Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.,"Penny: Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up?","Sheldon: Uh, well, it’s scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can’t take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I’m practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: They’re holding umbrellas.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: The ducks in my tub.,Penny: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.","Penny: Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room.",Sheldon: All the time.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.","Penny: Okay, can you drive me?","Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: I don’t drive.,"Penny: Well, I can’t drive!","Sheldon: Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.",Penny: Ow.,"Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.,"Penny: No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please.","Sheldon: Let’s see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.,Penny: No one’s saying that. Let’s go.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Raj: Huh. Mmm. Good cookies.,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,Sheldon: I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?,"Penny: I don’t need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.,Penny: One was already in an accident.,Sheldon: They have a man there who understands my personal style.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.","Penny: Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes!",Sheldon: I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Okay, here.",Penny: Seriously? Those shorts with that top?,"Sheldon: That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right.,"Penny: No… No… Oh, that’s cute.","Sheldon: Well, once again, it’s what I do.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.,"Penny: Okay, now, you got to help me put these on.","Sheldon: Well, then, it’s settled?",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right.,Penny: But don’t look.,"Sheldon: You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Don’t look?,Penny: I don’t want you to see me naked.,"Sheldon: Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.","Penny: Yeah, great.",Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.,"Penny: Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.","Sheldon: Before you say yes, it’s not the movie about the big dog.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Ok.,Penny: Is that my arm?,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, I’m a problem-solver, it’s what I do.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.,"Penny: Then, maybe you should let it go.",Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Raj: It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?",Scene: Penny’s car.,"Sheldon: And since you’re green this time, I can be it next time.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.","Penny: You have your learner’s permit, right?","Sheldon: Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.",Penny: Good.,Sheldon: You want to be green?,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Didn’t work out well.,"Penny: All right, can we please go?","Sheldon: Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?",Penny: It’s right there.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, we’ll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Where is the passenger side mirror?,"Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood. Now, can we please go?","Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Scene: Penny’s car.,Penny: Could you please drive a little faster?,"Sheldon: Well, then it’s settled.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that?",Penny: Nothing. The engine does that sometimes.,"Sheldon: That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.",Penny: No. The light has been on since I bought the car.,Sheldon: What colour would you like to be?,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.,"Penny: It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.","Sheldon: I can’t believe this. You’re happy, I’m happy. Well, maybe a holiday that’s all about giving isn’t so… Get your hand out of that box.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.","Penny: Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm.",Sheldon: They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?",Penny: What?,Sheldon: Cookies?,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?,"Penny: It’s not soup, it’s courage.",Sheldon: But what about our agreement?,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.",Penny: How did you see it? You said you wouldn’t look.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Leonard: Okay.,Scene: The hospital waiting room.,Sheldon: Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.",Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.,"Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?,Penny: You ready know that.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts?",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Kidney disease?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Migraines?,Penny: Getting one.,Sheldon: If you like raisins.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: There’s an argument for that. But I want to make sure.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.,Penny: Change migraine to yes.,Sheldon: Correct.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?,"Penny: Oh, next question.","Sheldon: I do. Now, let’s find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.","Penny: Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?","Sheldon: Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Episodes of sub psychotic rage.,Penny: Ass.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon, Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please just take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don’t know, comforting?","Sheldon: That’s right. So stay on my good side, or I’ll get you a little something, too.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Leonard and Raj together: Yes! Yes!,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.",Penny: Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.,"Sheldon: With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.",0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.,"Penny: You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.",Sheldon: I’m going to buy her a present.,0
Series 03 Episode 08 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency,"Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.",Penny: Sing “Soft Kitty” to me.,"Sheldon: Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon (arriving): I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?",Leonard: The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.,"Sheldon: Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?","Leonard: Never mind, what’s your announcement?","Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…","Kripke: Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.","Sheldon: Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.",Kripke: My pweasure.,"Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.,"Kripke: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical.","Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.,Leonard: Are you really going to be on NPR?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.","Leonard: Very cool, congratulations.","Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Raj: I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, आज के नये अच्छे संगीत का घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Why do you hate me?,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they’re simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.","Howard: Excuse me, I have a master’s degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.","Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Penny: Hi, guys.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Howard: Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.","Penny: All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong…","Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me, may I interject?",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.","Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Scene switches to Sheldon’s office, where the end of the tubing can be seen coming through the wall. Hissing can be heard.","Radio: Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.","Ira: Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?","Sheldon: Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon (even higher pitch): No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.",Scene cuts to university cafeteria where Kripke is holding up the radio for all to listen. ,Sheldon: Let’s celebrate.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: How ya doin’, buddy?","Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?,"Leonard: Come on, it wasn’t that bad.",Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Raj (in a munchkin voice): We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.","Leonard: Okay, so Kripke played a joke on you.",Sheldon: It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Leonard: Raj.,Raj: You laughed.,"Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: Did you laugh?,"Leonard: I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Raj: You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.",Leonard: Are you really admitting defeat?,Sheldon: If you didn’t press record…,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: I never admit defeat.,Leonard: Good.,"Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Leonard: Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.","Raj: That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply.","Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.","Leonard: No, no.","Sheldon: You heard him, Leonard. No, it’s not racist.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.,"Leonard: Okay, uh, that’s the spirit, but, um, let’s dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.","Sheldon: Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Penny: Wow.,Scene: The apartment kitchen.,Sheldon: While you watch me do it.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.",Raj: What’s this?,"Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.",Raj: Foamy vengeance.,"Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly.","Leonard: This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office?",Sheldon: No. This is. Stop looking at my legs.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.","Raj: Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.","Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: You flatter me, sir.","Leonard: Let me guess, motion sensors?","Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?",0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,"Sheldon: The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.","Leonard: I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)",Sheldon: Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Raj: I believe that’s the president of the university.,Leonard: And the board of directors. Abort! Abort!,Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.,0
Series 03 Episode 09 – The Vengeance Formulation,Sheldon: There is no abort.,"Raj: Well, how could you not put in an abort?",Sheldon: And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Scene: The apartment,"Penny: Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)","Sheldon: Crikey, what flag do we have today?",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.",Leonard: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.,Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.,Penny: You want me to put it back?,Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Leonard: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.,"Howard (arriving): What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.","Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Howard: I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.","Leonard: Sure. The more, the merrier.",Sheldon: It was so good.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.",Leonard: Sheldon…,"Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.","Penny: Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.",Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Bernadette: He can’t sit somewhere else?,"Penny: Oh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he’s warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn’t direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.","Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Bernadette: I’ve been meaning to go over there.,"Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.","Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Leonard: Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.",Bernadette: That’s amazing.,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Leonard: Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?","Bernadette: Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.","Sheldon: Oh, that one’s mine.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Howard?,Howard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.”",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Raj are playing a racing game on the Wii.,"Raj: Ha! Eat my dust, racially stereotypical plumber.","Sheldon: Yeah. Tell me those aren’t the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you’re a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.,"Raj: And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive.","Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Raj: What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.","Penny (knocking and entering): Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second?","Sheldon: Oh, you’re hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I’m moving out.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.",Penny: It’s not about shoes.,"Sheldon: Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Then speak.,"Penny: Um, actually, can we do it in private?",Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.","Penny: Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?",Sheldon: You know this is all your fault.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.","Penny: Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.",Sheldon: Why didn’t you stop me?,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Why can’t Leonard teach you?,Penny: ‘Cause I want to surprise him.,Sheldon: Try and stop me.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me.","Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.",Penny: You’re sitting here playing video games all day.,Sheldon: And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?",Penny: Sure. I did the one with the frogs.,Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won’t.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: The one with the frogs.,"Penny: Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.","Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.","Penny: Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.","Sheldon: Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.","Penny: Great! It’s a little insulting, but great. I’ll be KoKo.",Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Leonard: I believe you.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.,Penny: Ready to get started?,"Sheldon: Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?","Penny: Um, I don’t have one.","Sheldon: I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?,Penny: I have to take notes?,"Sheldon: That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: How else are you gonna study for the tests?,Penny: There’s gonna be a test?,Sheldon: Very well.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.,Penny: Thank you.,Sheldon: Is he okay?,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.",Penny: Ancient Greece?,Sheldon: That’s for the fire marshal to determine.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?","Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work?","Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.,Penny: Twenty six hundred years?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?",Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.,Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Can’t you hold it?,Penny: Not for twenty six hundred years.,"Sheldon: Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Howard: I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?","Penny: Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?",Sheldon: Amy. What’s going on?,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!",Penny: Sorry.,Sheldon: Come on.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?",Penny: I don’t know.,Sheldon: Tell me the truth.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,Penny: Hey! You don’t have to be so mean!,Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,"Penny: No, you just suck at teaching.","Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?","Penny: Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?","Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…,Penny: Not that far back!,"Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?,Penny: I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky?,Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he’s still doing it.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Greece.,Penny: Damn it!,"Sheldon: Thank you. And while you’re thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?",Penny: Squared?,"Sheldon: I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: No.,Penny: Aristotle?,Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: No.,Penny: Five?,Sheldon: You don’t know that.,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Oh!,Penny: Then I don’t know.,"Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: Why are you crying?,Penny: Because I’m stupid!,"Sheldon: You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.","Penny: Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?",Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy?,0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.,"Penny: Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated.","Sheldon: Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.,"Penny: Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?","Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,Sheldon: A good question.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.",0
Series 03 Episode 10 – The Gorilla Experiment,"Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?","Penny: Oh, balls.","Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.",Sheldon: I suppose that’s true. You’re such a glass half-full kind of guy. I’m going to miss that.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard (singing Deck the Halls): Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.","Penny: You really didn’t like it, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.","Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.","Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.","Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?","Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.",Penny: So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree.,"Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.,Penny: What is it?,Sheldon: I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.","Penny: Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy.",Sheldon: I don’t. I’m not even sure if that’s a person or a typo.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.",Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.","Leonard: Merry Newton-mas, everyone.",Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.","Penny: No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane.",Sheldon: Very well. I’m done talking about it.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.,"Leonard: No, he doesn’t.","Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.,"Leonard: Yeah, you got me. I’m a Leibniz man.",Sheldon: But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Penny: Why were you keeping this a secret?,"Leonard: Well, I just, I thought…",Sheldon: Why would you have surgery?,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Penny: Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.,"Leonard: You are, it’s just…","Sheldon: Hey, how did it go?",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Penny: Why not?,Leonard: Um…,"Sheldon: Oh, Tesla.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Beverley: It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up.,"Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: I drove, Mother. I’m driving now.","Beverley: Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory.",Sheldon: Still think it’s me.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.","Leonard: Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper?",Sheldon: Me.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.,"Beverley: Oh, did I thank you for the flowers?","Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn’t mean girls are allowed in my room.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: You did.,Beverley: I don’t really like flowers.,Sheldon: There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Leonard: I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.,"Beverley: Well, I would assume it’s because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues.","Sheldon: I love you, too.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Beverley: Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?,"Leonard: No. Sheldon, why didn’t you tell me?",Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Leonard: You must be very happy.,"Beverley: Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?",Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…","Leonard: Not the time, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?,"Beverley: It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.",Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Leonard: When did this happen?,"Beverley: Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father?",Sheldon: It’s not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I’m not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Beverley: Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.",Leonard: Mitzy’s dead?,Sheldon: What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Penny: I do, I’ll teach you.",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I made tea.",Leonard: I don’t want tea.,Sheldon: I don’t think that’s a good idea.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.,Leonard: Then why are you telling me?,"Sheldon: I can’t do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn’t grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.,Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.,Sheldon: Excuse me.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.","Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.,Leonard: I want that too. Why are you here?,Sheldon: Penny implied the same thing. Is this true?,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.","Leonard: Thank you, that’s very comforting.",Sheldon: Why would you say that?,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: That’s not the comforting part.,Leonard: It’s not?,"Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.","Leonard: You’re right, I do feel better.","Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.",Leonard: You’re my surrogate family?,"Sheldon: Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Beverley (gives him an uncomfortable hug): There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.",Penny: That’s the Del Taco.,"Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Scene: Leonard’s car.,Beverley: Thank you for taking me to the airport.,"Sheldon: What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: Once again, I’m driving. I’m right here.","Beverley: Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night.","Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.",0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.,Beverley: Thank you.,Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on.,0
Series 03 Episode 11 – The Maternal Congruence,"Leonard: Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?",Beverley: I think it’s best that you not know.,"Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Leonard: Look at us. Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they’re our girlfriends.,"Howard: Yes, actual women are the best.","Sheldon: Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Leonard: Got it.,Howard: Seen it.,Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Leonard: How did we get actual women?,"Raj: Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us?","Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.",Raj: We do?,"Sheldon: We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",Raj: I don’t want to do that.,"Sheldon: I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",Raj: What about me?,"Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: A little later.,"Raj: Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.",Raj: Race riots?,"Sheldon: No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: The zoot suit riots.,"Raj: Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around?","Sheldon: True. Sorry, kid, you’ve got it worse than a gibbon.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?,Raj: No. We would just walk around and see what’s what.,Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: That’s a semantically null sentence.,"Raj: Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.",Sheldon: You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.","Raj: Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good.",Sheldon: You can do this.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?","Raj: I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.","Sheldon: Oh, this day just keeps getting better.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.","Raj: Oh, boy.","Sheldon: No, I’d look silly in that helmet.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.",Raj: I don’t want to go to Flatland.,Sheldon: I’m still upset about that peanut sauce.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.,Raj: Oy.,"Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.","Raj: Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone.","Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.",Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: The university mixer.,Raj: Thanks for coming with me.,"Sheldon: Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.,Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?,"Sheldon: Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?,"Raj: Come on, let’s get a drink.","Sheldon: Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it’s in the basement of a urologist’s house in Sherman Oaks.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I don’t drink.,"Raj: Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.",Sheldon: So what other celebrity genitalia have you handled?,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.,"Raj: Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream.","Sheldon: Oh, God. Don’t make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.",Raj: He’ll have a Shirley Temple.,"Sheldon: Oh, please, you know, I’ll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.,"Raj: Okay, let’s check out the females.",Sheldon: What’d you get? What’d you get?,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.,"Raj: That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old.","Sheldon: Here you go, Doctor. Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?,Raj: No. I’m looking for a hookup.,"Sheldon: So have these two, and they’re having dinner with us.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?","Raj: Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks.","Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?,Raj: You help me run my game.,Sheldon: Why didn’t you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Raj: You help me run my game.,Sheldon: Okay. What is your game?,"Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.","Girl: Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it?","Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.,Girl: You’re very funny. I’m Abby.,"Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.,"Raj: Well, I’m a slumdog astrophysicist.","Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Martha: Hi.,Raj: Hello.,Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Hello.,Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?,"Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.","Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.",Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Leonard: You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with… (she shuts the door in his face) Want your fish? (Opens door, takes fish, closes it again) I knew you were going to do that. Doesn’t make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse. (Opens his own apartment door to find Sheldon, Raj and the two girls playing Rock Band and performing American Woman)",Leonard: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is learning Finnish. ,Sheldon: That’s humorous.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis  n.,Raj: What was that?,"Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.","Raj: जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say?",Sheldon: His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.,Raj: I don’t get it. You had a great time.,"Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.","Raj: Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha.",Sheldon: It’s too late for Koothrappali. Let’s go.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.",Raj: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.,Sheldon: Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.",Raj: So does that mean we can go with the girls again?,Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!,Raj: You can’t wear the hands on the date.,"Sheldon: It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: The apartment.,Martha: Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.,Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,"Sheldon: You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.",Martha: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Time for bed.,Martha: Okay.,Sheldon: We’re not stopping.,0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.,Martha: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.",0
Series 03 Episode 12 – The Psychic Vortex,Sheldon: Yes?,"Martha: Listen, they’re kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.",Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Howard: A little jealous, are we?","Raj: No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order?","Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.",Leonard: So what? It’s the same food.,"Sheldon: Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.",Raj: So?,Sheldon: We’ll take some Funyuns.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.","Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?",Sheldon: You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?",Leonard: It’s obviously a typo.,Sheldon: This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Howard: It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.,Leonard: You know what? Let’s just get a pizza.,Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.",Leonard: And why is that?,Sheldon: He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.,Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?,Sheldon: That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?",Leonard (noticing their door has been broken open): What the…?,Sheldon: Who’s he?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: The TV is gone.,Leonard: So are our laptops.,"Sheldon: Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction, ,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.",Leonard: We like games.,"Sheldon: Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.",Policeman: Assorted video games.,"Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: When does the CSI team get here?,Policeman: What?,Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.",Leonard: What about me?,Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Leonard: Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him?,Policeman: I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.,"Sheldon: True. Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali’s restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.,"Policeman: We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company.","Sheldon: Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?",Policeman: Do you have any more information that might be relevant?,"Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.",Leonard: How is that going to help them?,"Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Policeman: Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.",Leonard: What are we supposed to do now?,"Sheldon: All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule?",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.,Leonard: Does that mean you’ve ruled me out as a suspect?,"Sheldon: Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is restless. He gets up and checks the door is locked. He then moves his chest of drawers in front of the door. Goes back to bed., ,"Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Leonard: Hey, there’s no reason for you to be scared.",Penny: I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses.,"Sheldon: Oh, there, well, look, there’s all kinds of videos.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",Leonard: Hand me the bat.,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?","Penny: It won’t happen again, what’s up?",Sheldon: Very well.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.,"Leonard: We’re fine, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny: Good night. That was weird, even for him.",Leonard: Mm-hmm.,"Sheldon: So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",Penny: Who is it?,Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.,Penny: Yes?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: May I come in?,Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I see you’re drinking wine.,"Leonard: Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed.",Sheldon: Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Uh-huh.,"Penny: Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight?","Sheldon: I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.",Leonard: What do you want?,Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn’t tell.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.",Leonard: But you don’t like other people.,Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny: Um… three little kittens? Three little pigs? God, I don’t know. Star Wars?",Leonard: Did we win? Can we go to bed?,Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Leonard: He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.","Penny: Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you’re feeling insecure, but we’ve really got to go to sleep.",Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Woman on TV: Where are you going?,Man on TV: Just gonna take a look around outside.,Sheldon: I started doing it.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Bad idea.,"Woman on TV: No, Jim, don’t open the door!","Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Listen to her, Jim.","Man on TV: Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.)",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Scene: Outside the apartment. ,"Howard: All right, we’ve got a titanium dead bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.",Sheldon: But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: What if they cut the power?,Raj: There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply.,Sheldon: Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: What if someone steals my keys?,Raj: There are independent voice and fingerprint scanners.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny (entering): Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?","Leonard: Sorry, let me help you.",Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.,"Howard: Don’t worry, the net’s going to be electrified. Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.",Sheldon: Ow. That was your fault.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Better.,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,Sheldon: You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Penny: Oh, my…","Leonard: God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there?",Sheldon: Ow. We didn’t vote!,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I heard a noise.,Leonard: It was us. We knocked over a lamp.,"Sheldon: Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Leonard: We were going to have…,"Penny: He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ll check Amazon.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)",Leonard: What are you doing? Use the door.,"Sheldon: Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.,"Leonard: Great, you do that.","Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. Did you know those techniques were used to actually teach pigeons to play ping-pong?",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?,Leonard: I’m lactose intolerant.,"Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?","Penny: No, thanks.","Sheldon: Well, I wonder if anyone’s tried that.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Leonard: Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.,"Penny: Sheldon, are you okay?","Sheldon: Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: I don’t think it worked.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.,Leonard: Don’t you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction?,"Sheldon: Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Penny: Is he quitting his job at the university?,"Leonard: Oh, no, he’s going to telecommute. Everybody’s really excited about it.",Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Penny: Born and raised. (Sheldon crosses Nebraska off his map),Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is packing. ,"Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.","Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin?","Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.","Howard: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.",Sheldon: That’s my boy.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.,Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?,Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Sheldon: They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.,"Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you.","Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Howard (after Raj whispers to him): How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?,"Scene: Bozeman, Montana bus depot. ",Sheldon: I think I have the same one.,0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,"Sheldon: That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!","Man: Help you with your bags, sir?","Sheldon: If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application.",0
Series 03 Episode 13 – The Bozeman Reaction,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon enters.,"Howard: Hey, look who’s back!","Sheldon: You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is stood in the middle of the room. His whiteboard is behind him. Every few moments he turns round suddently.,Penny: Whatcha doing?,Sheldon: Wait. I’m confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.,Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night?,Sheldon: I did not get a clear answer. I’m gonna set this down now.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Is it morning?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Is that a no?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Then I’ve been up all night.,Penny: And you’re stuck?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Penny: What is he doing now?,"Leonard: Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.","Leonard: Aye, aye, Captain.",Sheldon: Thinking caps on.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.,Leonard: Maybe you need a fresh start.,"Sheldon: Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Well, good Lord, no, have you seen Jaws?",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Howard: How long has he been stuck?,Leonard: Intellectually about 30 hours. Emotionally about 29 years.,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Howard: You can come with us.,"Raj: No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Leonard: Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.",Howard: I thought I smelled popcorn.,Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Leonard: I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.,"Raj (as Sheldon reaches out and grabs from his plate): Hey, those are my lima beans!",Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Raj: But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.","Leonard: Here, you want my peas?",Sheldon: I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.",Howard: Want my corn?,"Sheldon: Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting?",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Howard: Not this time, I promise.","Raj: Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I’m very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.","Sheldon: Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Penny: Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)","Leonard: Oh, my God! Are you… (falls as well)","Sheldon: Oh, really? Since meeting her, what have been your greatest accomplishments?",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Penny: Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.","Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?","Sheldon: Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.,Bernadette: With marbles?,Sheldon: I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?","Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?","Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Leonard: No, that’s a crazy thing.","Bernadette: Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep?","Sheldon: Well, I guess it was too good to be true.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.,Bernadette: Which leads to…?,"Sheldon: It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.,"Bernadette: Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed.",Sheldon: Great. Wait till you hear about our van.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: But I don’t want to go to bed.,Bernadette: I’m going to count to three. One…,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Security Guard: Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.","Leonard: Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing?","Sheldon: Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.,"Leonard: Sure, sure. How did you get into this place?","Sheldon: Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.","Leonard: No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now.",Sheldon: I’d like your honest opinion on something.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: But I’m still working.,"Leonard: If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I am. I was also right about her hair. It did everything but quack.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over their bed. He knocks on the wall. , ,"Sheldon: I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.","Leonard (Waking up as Penny screams): What! What, what, what?","Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: If only Penny had said that once in a while.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I have good news.,Leonard: And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?,"Sheldon: Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Your cell phone was off.,Leonard: Because we didn’t want to be disturbed.,Sheldon: I’m sure she did.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: And that didn’t work out, did it?","Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?","Sheldon: Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.,Leonard: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?,"Sheldon: And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Leonard: What are you talking about?,Penny (as Sheldon sits on the bed): Oh.,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Einstein.,"Leonard: Yeah, I’m going to need a little more.",Sheldon: No. You’re crazy about me.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Albert Einstein.,Leonard: Keep going.,"Sheldon: On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.","Leonard: So, you’re going to go work at the patent office?",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.",Leonard: Sounds like a great plan.,"Sheldon: Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools?",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.,"Leonard: Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night.","Sheldon: So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.",Penny: Leonard doesn’t snore.,"Sheldon: I’ll give you a plan right now. Step one, open comic book store. Step two, start rumour this comic book store gives you genital warts. Step three, buy a big bag to put the money in.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Scene: An employment office,"Employment Office Assistant: So, Mr. Cooper, you’re looking for a job.","Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.,"Assistant: Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?","Sheldon: Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?",Assistant: No.,"Sheldon: I miss Stuart’s place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store, or a rave at the third little pig’s house?",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Shouldn’t you check your database?,Assistant (clicks her keyboard a few times): No.,Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: You didn’t really type.,"Assistant: I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction?","Sheldon: Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.","Assistant: No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I could do that.,Assistant: Good.,Sheldon: I go to the bathroom like everybody else.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: One question.,Assistant: Yes?,"Sheldon: Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: What’s sheetrock?,Assistant: Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: That seems acceptable.,Assistant: Do you have your own car?,"Sheldon: Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I don’t drive.,"Assistant: Of course you don’t. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?","Sheldon: Oh, I think that sounds wonderful.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon (appearing in an apron and carrying a tray): Behind you.,"Penny: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?",Sheldon: He makes a valid point.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.,"Penny: No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here?","Sheldon: Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.","Penny: You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?","Sheldon: No, as long as it bobbles.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.","Penny: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.",Sheldon: Who’s the bobblehead of?,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Bernadette: Thanks, Sheldon.","Penny: Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy.","Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.","Scene: The same, later.",Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,"Sheldon: All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.","Leonard: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?","Sheldon: We got an eight-point-two. Trust me, you’re happy.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Double guacamole?,Sheldon: Or a one. A one is possible.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Of course.,Leonard: No cilantro?,"Sheldon: The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it’s like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Nope.,"Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?","Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.",0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon: Yep.,Leonard: You understand why I’m doing this to you?,Sheldon: Kind of? It does it perfectly.,0
Series 03 Episode 14 – The Einstein Approximation,Sheldon (drops tray. A nearby table claps): Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.,"Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren’t you going to clean this up?","Sheldon: It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Howard (on the phone): Yeah, I miss you, too, sweetie. Listen, I got to go, but I’ll see you tonight? Okay. Bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye. No, you hang up first. Hello?","Raj: Dude, I’m glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don’t?","Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Raj: Me.,Leonard: Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend.,"Sheldon: Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Leonard: Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?","Howard: Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There’s a $39.95 lover’s special at P.F. Chang’s. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front.","Sheldon: No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Raj: It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.,Leonard: Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14?,"Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Howard: That’s the one.,"Leonard: In any case, they’re asking me to fill in for him.",Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Howard: Oh, man!","Raj: No way, dude!",Sheldon: Absolutely not.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, you got a minute?",Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland.","Sheldon: If you’ve got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I’d like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?",Leonard: Penny.,"Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,"Leonard: Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps.",Sheldon: Not as well as we do.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,"Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon.",Sheldon: It’s called parallel play.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.,"Leonard: Yeah, well, I’ve been dreaming about spending Valentine’s Day with a girl since I was six.","Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Leonard: Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.","Penny: Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible!","Sheldon: Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.",Penny: My Rabe-what-ly?,"Sheldon: I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.","Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny.","Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this?,Leonard: Not the roommate agreement.,"Sheldon: No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Penny: You actually put that in an agreement?,"Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.","Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: He can’t kill me, even if I turn.",Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?,"Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched.","Leonard: Sheldon, do you really expect to enforce this?","Sheldon: Oh. Well, then come or don’t. I don’t care.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon (after demonstrating): I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice.,"Leonard: Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland.","Sheldon: If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Is that your final decision?,Leonard: It is.,"Sheldon: I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Leonard: Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games.","Sheldon: Good, I had Cornish game hen.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.",Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?,"Sheldon: Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me?",Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.",Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?,"Sheldon: Well, not just him. May I remind you that you’re talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Leonard: Uh, let’s see. Yup, 30 pieces of silverware.",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: He’s right. And given that you’re probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I’m sure you do suck.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Morning, old chum.",Leonard: What’s going on?,Sheldon: Oh! It’s not even Easter time. This is crazy.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.",Leonard: You made Frodo pancakes?,Sheldon: Laminate the core material.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.",Leonard: Why are you doing this?,Sheldon: Young’s modulus.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?,Leonard: Thanks. It’s good.,"Sheldon: Yeah, try me.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.",Leonard: You hate Babylon 5.,Sheldon: I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.","Leonard: Okay, great. Still not taking you to Switzerland.",Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you.,Scene: The laundry room.,Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Hello.,Sheldon: Well?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.","Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.",Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon (trying it): It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.","Penny: Oh, for God’s sakes.","Sheldon: You’re not going to do that, and I’ll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you’re going to treat me with the prop… You shot your spit in my mouth!",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.,Penny: I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up?,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.","Penny: Okay, show’s over.","Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.","Penny: Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go.",Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.,Penny: I’ll talk to Leonard.,Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon (Hugging her): Oh, Penny, thank you!",Penny: You’re welcome.,Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.",Penny: I think we’re there.,"Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Raj: No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.","Leonard: Sheldon, I need to talk to you.","Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?",Leonard: Some what?,Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.,Leonard: You’re not going to Switzerland!,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?",Leonard: She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her.,Sheldon: I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Yes, that good news.","Leonard: Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you!","Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.",Leonard: I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over!,Sheldon: Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?,"Leonard: Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you.",Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Really?,"Leonard: Yeah, really.","Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.",Leonard: I’m sorry you feel that way.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,"Sheldon: I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.",Leonard: Why don’t you enlighten me?,"Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Scene: Outside Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she’s not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you’re still interested, you’re welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom)","Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision, ,Penny: Here’s your soup.,Sheldon: Not now.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Chicken?,Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.",0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: With the little stars?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees?,"Penny: Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me.",Sheldon: You take that back.,0
Series 03 Episode 15 – The Large Hadron Collision,Sheldon: You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.,"Penny: Yeah, well, I’m sick, too.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Leonard: Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?","Stuart: Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.","Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.,"Stuart: No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.","Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?",Leonard: Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease.,Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.,Howard: That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.,"Sheldon: Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.","Raj: That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.",Sheldon: Why would you do that?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Howard: Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.","Raj: Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Howard: Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?,Leonard: He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.,"Sheldon: No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?","Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?","Sheldon: I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.,Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?,Sheldon: No one signed up.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.",Howard: You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court.,Sheldon: There is no class.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.",Penny: I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that?,"Sheldon: It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That’s rich. I’ll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: It bothers me.,"Howard: Sheldon, this is a summons.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: A summons for what?,Howard: Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.,"Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.","Penny: No, it isn’t.","Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Yes, it is.","Penny: No, it isn’t.",Sheldon: I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.","Penny: Mmm, no, it isn’t.",Sheldon: What a stupid question.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?","Penny: Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?","Sheldon: Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: So you betrayed me?,Penny: No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.,Sheldon: You people are sick.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.",Leonard: It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.,Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.,Howard: You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.,"Sheldon: But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.","Penny: Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.","Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Howard: Okay, he’s going to jail.","Leonard (after Raj whispers to him): Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day.","Sheldon: That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.",Leonard: Whoa! What do you mean all?,Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.","Leonard: Yeah, okay. No.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?,Leonard: That’s what I’m saying.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Howard?,"Howard: Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.",Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.","Penny: Oh, balls.",Sheldon: Swish.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.,Scene: Penny’s door. ,"Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny (opening door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Sheldon: The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses. Moving on.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: That’s just wrong.,"Penny: All right, let’s go.","Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.",Penny: What is this?,"Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?",Penny: Do I have a choice?,"Sheldon: I know. You know, I almost died in a fire in Des Moines, but I stayed put. FYI, that’s when the Imodium gave out.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?","Penny (reading): Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.","Sheldon: Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.,"Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.","Sheldon: Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?,"Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.",Sheldon: Would you like to see pictures from my trip?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.",Penny: But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?,Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.,Penny (pretending to be close to tears): But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Scene: The courtroom. ,Judge: Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper?,"Sheldon: Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.",Judge: I know what it means. I went to law school.,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.","Judge: The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.",Sheldon: That I couldn’t do it?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.",Judge: Impressive.,Sheldon: I wish I’d never gone on that trip. I feel no better now than when I left.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: Thank you.,Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier.,Sheldon: Amy just hurt my feelings. I want to break up with her.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.,"Judge: No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you.",Sheldon: Can I have one more moment with Leonard?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.","Judge: Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.,Scene: A police cell. Three people sit on a bench inside. Sheldon points at the one on the end.,Sheldon: I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Leonard: Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.",Scene: The police cell. ,"Sheldon: Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?",Guard: What?,"Sheldon: Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.,Guard: Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell),"Sheldon: Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: That’s the toilet?,"Guard: Well, it ain’t a wishing well.",Sheldon: I just thought you were bad at the game.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Penny: We’re home.,"Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go?","Sheldon: Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: You know very well how it went.,"Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.","Sheldon: At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.,"Penny: I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.",Sheldon: Or had a single piece of fruit.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Leonard: Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.","Howard: You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.",Sheldon: Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Howard: He said we could call him Stan.,Leonard: Except for Raj.,"Sheldon: Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.","Penny: Okay, I realize that…","Sheldon: Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.","Penny: Okay, maybe you’ll have another chance to have…","Sheldon: I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,Stuart: We’ll tell people he’s your cousin.,Scene: Outside Stan Lee’s house.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.",Penny: Yup.,"Sheldon: Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Stan Lee: Oh, damn.","Penny: Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.",Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?,Sheldon: Any word on my stolen items?,0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Penny: Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.","Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?","Sheldon: Well, maybe you should. There’s lots of books called Sherlock Holmes, and there’s no books called Officer Hernandez.",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Raj: And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.","Leonard (as Sheldon enters): Hey, where’ve you been?","Sheldon: Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?",0
Series 03 Episode 16 – The Excelsior Acquisition,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.",Howard: Sweet.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Scene: The stairwell. Leonard is carrying a large box.,Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, please. A pair of pants. And my toothbrush. Yeah, and my mail. And a really good comeback for chicken legs, because “I know you are, but what am I?” was met with stony silence.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Leonard: Don’t panic, this is better.","Penny: Oh, no, you didn’t trade the food for magic beans, did you?",Sheldon: Hurry.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Leonard: We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.",Penny: Who’s Adam West?,"Sheldon: 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?",Penny: That is so sad.,"Sheldon: No, I’m not okay. Uh, I’m wearing borrowed pants, I don’t have I.D., and one of the officers here won’t stop calling me chicken legs.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Raj: Huh? That’ll come off.,Howard: You see what you’re doing? Stop that.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Fascinating.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Leonard: Oh.,Raj: It’s even got the Elvish engraving on it.,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: So, I was doing some checking on the ring.","Raj: Hold on. Sheldon, is there ketchup on that table?","Sheldon: Yeah, well, I understand that I’m half naked, but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car, all my possessions were stolen. Now, typically, I wear pyjamas, but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle and pyjamas are the sleep-pants of the Man. I’ll have you know, Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants and a nation rallied behind him. My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged, but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask. Bosons have integer spin, fermions have half-integer spin. My legs are getting cold. Why won’t anybody help me?",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Raj: Name one.,"Howard: Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn’t a replica. It’s the real deal.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you’re knitting a pair of pants? Oh, well, no, you’re understandably terrified. But, you know, allow me to explain. 45 days ago, um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing because my university was making me do string theory, and my favorite comic book store burned down, and when my room mate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me, which was no doubt a ploy just to see my, well, excuse my language, but my bathing suit parts. Uh, sir, may I use your phone?",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon (snatching it): Mine!,"Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.",Sheldon: Of course you are.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.",Leonard: How is this maritime salvage?,Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: Why do you want a jet ski?,Raj: All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can’t just be a coincidence.,Sheldon: I will.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.","Leonard: We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring?",Sheldon: I do.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: You mean my ring?,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Leonard: Give me that.,"Raj: Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.","Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.,Leonard: You always get your way.,Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Penny: What ring?,Leonard: This ring.,Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Leonard: How am I looking now?,"Scene: Penny and Leonard are asleep in Leonard’s bed. Sheldon creeps in and tries to take the ring from round Penny’s neck, but she turns over. He tries to make buzzing fly noises to get her to turn back, but she turns all the way the other way. He then uses an extender with a claw on the end to lif the ring from Penny’s chest. As he tries to remove it, she wakes up, screams, and punches him in the face.",Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation, ,"Howard: So, Sheldon, how’s it feel to get beaten up by a girl?",Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.","Leonard: You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring?",Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.,Leonard: Give me that.,Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: You know, there’s a point when this becomes idiotic.",Leonard: And it wasn’t when we were driving like this?,"Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!,"Raj: If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies.",Sheldon: You tracked my phone?,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?",Raj: Why don’t we go after your mother?,"Sheldon: You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun.,Raj: You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother.,Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.,Raj: Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.,Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: I don’t want to hear this.,Howard: Then let go of the ring and walk away.,"Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Never.,Howard: All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.,"Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Stop it!,"Raj: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty.","Sheldon: So, tomorrow?",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: I said stop it!,Howard: We’re getting to him.,Sheldon: So when will you reopen?,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Waterfalls!,Raj: What?,Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.,Howard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: What happened?,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.,"Raj: It’s, it’s not working, dude.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Howard: No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.","Raj: Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two…",Sheldon: No. The syrup tastes better and I don’t like it.,0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?",Howard: We stand up.,"Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.,"Scene: Sometime later. The guys are on the settee. Howard is seen asleep, he is not holding the ring. The camera pans along to where Sheldon and Raj still hold the ring. Raj, also asleep, lets go and cuddles up to Howard. ","Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?",0
Series 03 Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation,"Leonard: There wasn’t ever going to be a winner. There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend. Is that really what you guys want? ‘Cause if it is, fine, I don’t want anything to do with you. And I don’t know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up! (Goes to his bedroom. Takes a box from under his bed. Takes out the ring.) My precious.",Scene: Leonard and Penny are asleep in Leonard’s bed. The extender and claw reaches across and pulls down the sheet revealing the ring on a chain round Leonard’s neck.,Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Howard: What’s your point?,"Raj: My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron.","Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science.","Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?","Leonard: Oh, I’m so glad you asked it like that. You.","Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I won?,Leonard: You won.,"Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon (phone rings): Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.","Howard: Uh, hang on, flaming arrow.",Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Wow.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Howard: Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.","Raj: Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.",Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.,"Leonard: What, to you, is a large crowd?","Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.,"Penny: Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.",Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Howard: Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.,"Penny: That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court.",Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous.",Sheldon: Where are you going to go?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.,Howard: Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em?,Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.,Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Penny: Oh, my God.","Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?",Sheldon: What do you mean?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Don’t trample me.,Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.","Leonard: Sit down, we want to talk to you.","Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Penny: Just sit.,Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright.,Sheldon: Mm.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.","Penny: Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together.",Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Penny: Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.","Leonard: We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.","Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Leonard: Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.","Penny: Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon?","Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?","Penny: Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.",Sheldon: I don’t know. I am really aggravated.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?",Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.,"Sheldon: It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.","Howard: Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap.","Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.","Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy.",Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.,"Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The apartment. Raj is lighting candles. Indian music is playing.,"Raj: Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.","Sheldon: So, who’s watching her now?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: And yet, you can’t speak to women.","Raj: True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.","Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Okay, but don’t punch me.",Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.",Raj: I’m not going to punch you.,Sheldon: Sure.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: That’s what my sister used to say.,Raj: Do you want to do this or not?,Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Proceed.,Raj: All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?,Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.","Raj: Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis.",Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?",Raj: Whatever you like.,"Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.,Raj: Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square.,"Sheldon: Well, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.,"Raj: Then, put on a sweater.",Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.,"Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.","Sheldon: Slick, huh?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.",Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!,Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.","Raj: All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.",Raj: What now?,"Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.",Scene: A clothing store.,"Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?,"Penny: It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.",Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?,"Penny: Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice.",Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: It’s only one colour.,"Penny: Yeah, so?","Sheldon: That was awkward, right?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: That’s a lot of money for only one colour.,Penny: Fine. Why don’t you pick out what you like.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon (now in a sparkly green suit with rhinestones): This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.",Penny: Where the hell d’you find that?,"Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: In the prom department.,Penny: It’s ridiculous.,Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.,Penny: Please just try this one on.,Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: So, Sheldon, how you doing?",Sheldon: I know.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.","Leonard: I’m sorry, I’ll start again.","Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?,"Leonard: Um, I don’t know, maybe.","Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.",Leonard: How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?,Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.,Leonard: Why don’t we just talk?,Sheldon: Not at all.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.","Leonard: Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here?",Sheldon: So?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.","Leonard: But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.",Sheldon: Why do I need you now?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?,Leonard: Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.,Sheldon: That’s nice.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Go on.,Leonard: It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.,Sheldon: You’re back.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.","Leonard: Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again.",Sheldon: Wow. A Death Star cake.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.",Leonard: For what?,"Sheldon: That’s true. Oh, it’s a good thing I had a nap.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The award ceremony.,"Leonard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise)",Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, dear.",Penny: What’s the matter?,Sheldon: I’m okay. How was the funeral?,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.,Raj: Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men.,Sheldon: But I do appreciate them.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.,"Penny: Here, drink this. It’ll relax you.","Sheldon: And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.,"Penny: Fine, faint.","Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Penny: Here, see if this one works.","Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.","Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Sheldon: I’m ready.,"Leonard: Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Scene: The apartment., ,Sheldon: That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?",Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?",0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,"Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?",Leonard: You might want to check YouTube.,Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.,0
Series 03 Episode 18 – The Pants Alternative,Leonard: It’s already loaded. Just hit play.,"On-screen Sheldon: All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.",Sheldon: Be careful with that.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Howard: Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?","Raj: Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.",Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?,Howard: What’s with him?,Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.,Howard: Are you saying he’s man-struating?,"Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Howard: Okay, forget giant ants. How about giant rabbits?","Raj: Big or small, I don’t like rabbits. They always look like they’re about to say something, but they never do.",Sheldon: I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.,Howard: Would that be a giant rat’s ass?,Sheldon: Why are you here?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?,"Howard: Okay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.",Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Howard: Oh, but something happened.",Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.,"Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Raj: I’m just asking, dude. It happens.",Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?,"Sheldon: Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don’t we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.",Stuart: Oh. Ouch.,Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Penny: Hi.,"Leonard: Oh, hey.","Sheldon: Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.,"Penny: No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me.","Sheldon: Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.","Penny: It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I’m sure he didn’t care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he’d say enjoy Star Wars Day.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Penny: Thinly veiled contempt.,"Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Remember, seven o’clock.",Penny: Got it.,Sheldon: I’m fine.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Pacific Daylight time!,Penny: Bite me!,"Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Scene: The bowling alley.,Howard: I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.,"Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.,Howard: Then what’s with the disinfectant?,"Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Stuart: Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.","Wil: Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going?","Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.","Wil: You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?",Wil: It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl?,"Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.",Wil: Great. Then it’s on.,Sheldon: I’m fine.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Time lapse.,Wil: Yes!,"Sheldon: But, that’s Star Wars Day.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Scene: Penny’s apartment door., ,"Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: This is for you.,Penny: Ice cream?,Sheldon: Professor Proton is dead?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.","Penny: Um, Ach.",Sheldon: What is it?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.",Penny: Did Leonard send you over here?,"Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.","Penny: Yeah, I’m sorry about that.",Sheldon: Come in.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.,"Penny: Again, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: Get it?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.,Penny: You’re kidding.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching. We should finalize our plans.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.,"Penny: All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?","Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don’t know where you’re going with this.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.,"Penny: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.",Sheldon: Hello. I didn’t expect you this evening.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.","Penny: No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you.","Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it’s truly deserved. This is malarkey.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: When are you going to talk to him?,Penny: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: Ha. The opposite. She’s a neurobiologist, and I’m a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.,"Penny: You’re not gonna leave me alone until I do it, are you?","Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Penny: So, we’re good?","Leonard: Yes, that’s what I’m telling you. We are good. We are great.",Sheldon: That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Scene: The bowling alley., ,"Sheldon: For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Attention, all bowlers. I’ve taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.",Penny: The Wesley Crushers?,"Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it?",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.,Penny: Still don’t get it.,"Sheldon: I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.","Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.",Sheldon: Oh. That’s a lot of incense. Or someone set a hippie on fire.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”","Howard: You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers.","Sheldon: You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”,"Wil: Hey, look. They named their team after me.",Sheldon: Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, it’s not the… Never mind.","Stuart: So, we’re all clear on the bet and the stakes?",Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Stuart: Ouch again.,"Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.","Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence, ,Wil: After you.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.",Wil: It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.,"Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: All right.,"Wil: It’s a custom, not a rule.","Sheldon: Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: I so loathe you.,"Wil: That’s right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.",Sheldon: I am. So much so that I’m gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Penny: Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.","Stuart: Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now.","Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.","Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Not at all.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Leonard: Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.",All (chanting): Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don!,Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.,All (chanting): The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball!,Sheldon: I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Stuart: Wil, you’re up.","Wil: Oh, that’s me.","Sheldon: Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because…",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?,Penny: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: Where are we going?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Sheldon: He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?,Penny: No!,"Sheldon: And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.",Wil: Yes!,"Sheldon: That’s a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us?",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.","Leonard: Penny, you’re up.",Sheldon: And Amy doesn’t look sick.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Leonard: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.","Penny: No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry.",Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!","Leonard: No, let her go.","Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,Leonard: I’m pretty sure it’s already over.,"Wil: Tough luck, Sheldon.","Sheldon: So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?",0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: You did this, didn’t you?",Wil: Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?,Sheldon: Oh. Who knows?,0
Series 03 Episode 19 – The Wheaton Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, I suppose not.",Wil: Good. Keep thinking that.,"Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Scene: The lobby.,"Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!","Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Amy’s sick.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.,"Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.","Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?",Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.","Penny: Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.","Sheldon: You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.",Penny: Right.,"Sheldon: Hmm, what can we do that’s fun?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?,Penny: Everyone.,Sheldon: I don’t know. What do you want to do?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.",Penny: Great.,Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.","Penny: So, how you been?",Sheldon: It is just so frustrating.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.","Penny: You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you?",Sheldon: That’s helpful. Okay. Of these four areas…,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Bazinga.,Penny: Mmm. How’s Leonard doing?,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.",Penny: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.,Penny: Yep.,Sheldon: Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.",Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.,"Sheldon: Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m hungry now.,"Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?","Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?,Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.,Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).","Leonard: Hey, where you been?",Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.","Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.","Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.,"Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.","Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Which one picks last?,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.","Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.",Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Not so good.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?",Leonard: I don’t know. Why?,"Sheldon: Oh, no. What have I done?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.,"Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Raj: Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.",Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.,Sheldon: No more than Penny.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.,"Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?","Sheldon: Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?,"Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?",Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.",Howard: Hold on. I’ll walk down with you.,"Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.",Howard: Or we could go together.,"Sheldon: Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.,Howard: Let’s go.,"Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Raj: I’ve missed you.,Scene: The lobby.,"Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.",Howard: Okay.,Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: What?,Howard: You said you were going for a walk.,"Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.,"Howard: So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs?","Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Woman’s voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.,Howard: Which way are you going?,Sheldon: She’s right. I’m too hot.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Which way are you going?,Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.,"Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.,"Howard: Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs?",Sheldon: Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.",Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.,Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.,"Howard: All right, have a nice walk.","Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.,Howard: You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: You stop it.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.","Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?",Sheldon: The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.","Penny: Well, good.","Sheldon: I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.,Penny: He’s been crying?,"Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.","Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?","Penny: No. Why, do you?","Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: No.,"Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?","Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.,"Penny: All right. So, what’s new in your life?","Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.",Penny: Have you been running?,"Sheldon: Break it off, shake hands, walk away.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.",Penny: I’m so glad you like it.,Sheldon: I don’t know if I can do that.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.,"Penny: Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook.","Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.,"Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I’m gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.","Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Raj: You don’t know that. Prison changes people.,"Leonard: Hey, where you been?",Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I told you, walking.",Leonard: For an hour and a half?,Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I got lost.,Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.,Sheldon: You mean your acting career?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.,Raj: There are no solar flares right now.,"Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.","Raj: Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.","Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard is asleep.,"Sheldon: No, that’s not it.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.","Leonard: Oh, just come in!",Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.,"Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.,Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.,Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.,Leonard: What do you want?,Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: You may want to sit down.,Leonard: I’m in bed!,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.,Leonard: Sheldon!,Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.,"Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?","Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?",Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?,Sheldon: Meh.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.",Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?,"Sheldon: I don’t know. Hey, look, a quarter.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.,Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.","Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.",Sheldon: But I haven’t decided yet.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera, but the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.",Leonard: I guess not.,Sheldon: A quarter.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Penny: We’re home.,"Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?","Sheldon: All right, I’ll try.",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: I was going to see that with him.,Penny: How was I supposed to know that?,Sheldon: Interesting.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.,"Penny: I know, I know.","Sheldon: Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?",0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Sheldon: I can still eat.,"Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.",Sheldon: You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.,0
Series 03 Episode 20 – The Spaghetti Catalyst,Penny: Just go.,Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?,Sheldon: But what if I’m wrong?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,,Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Hold.,Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.,Raj: I’m sorry?,"Sheldon: Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Do you have allergies?,Raj: No.,Sheldon: I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?,Raj: I don’t put pepper on salads.,"Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.,"Raj: Oh, come on. I don’t want to sit by myself.","Sheldon: You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.","Howard: See you, buddy.","Sheldon: Thanks, Grandma.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.","Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?",Sheldon: Bernadette?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.",Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?,Sheldon: Wolowitz?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,"Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.",Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.",Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton?,Sheldon: Penny?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.",Leonard: Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!,"Sheldon: Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.","Leonard: Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?","Sheldon: Well, they do.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Raj: Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!,"Howard: Yeah, um, I have a two-part question.","Sheldon: Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Go ahead.,"Howard: A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?",Sheldon: Good night.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.",Howard: So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?,Sheldon: Thank you again for dinner.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?,Leonard: Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?,"Sheldon: No, I am not. And this ESRAM buffer should totally bridge the 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?",Raj: When can I sit with you again?,Sheldon: Xbox.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Scene: The lobby,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?","Penny: What? What are you doing with, what?","Sheldon: Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.,"Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?","Sheldon: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.,Penny: Oh. What?,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.","Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?","Sheldon: Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?,"Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled.",Sheldon: Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.",Penny: Female jibber jabber?,"Sheldon: You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.","Penny: Oh, they’re not my friends.","Sheldon: So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: She’s here, she’s here. How do I look? Do I look smart?",Sheldon: Here come the waterworks.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.","Elizabeth: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.","Sheldon: I’m not being stupid. I’m employing the work of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Hello.,Elizabeth: Nice to finally meet you in person.,"Sheldon: Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live","here, you’re brilliant.",Sheldon: I can’t.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.","Leonard: Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything?",Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?","Elizabeth: Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.","Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys.",Elizabeth: I’m so glad you understand.,"Sheldon: No, don’t look to Him. He’s mad at you right now.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.","Leonard: Well, I understand, too.","Sheldon: Well, someone has to.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: You’re just misappropriating my understanding.,"Leonard: Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you.","Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Elizabeth: All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.","Leonard: Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart.","Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Get it together, man.",Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.",Elizabeth: Good to know.,Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.",Elizabeth: What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?,"Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?",Elizabeth: Can I ask a question about your roommate?,Sheldon: I am.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?",Elizabeth: What’s his relationship status?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.",Elizabeth: Okay.,Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.,Elizabeth: How thoughtful.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend.","Elizabeth: You, too.",Sheldon: What did you do?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Leonard: Wow. You really make science come alive.,Scene: The living room.,Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.,"Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Morning.,"Elizabeth: Morning, Sheldon.",Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.,Elizabeth: More than pleasant.,Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon (in bathroom): Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.",Leonard: Something his mother taught him.,Sheldon: I’m a grown man.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.","Elizabeth: That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first.",Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.","Penny: Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.",Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?,"Penny: No, Mr. smarty-pants. I ignored the fill gas tank light.",Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Elizabeth: Yes, very much.",Penny: Good.,Sheldon: Or what?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Penny: You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.","Leonard: Well, now…","Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.",Penny: I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened.,"Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.",Leonard: Well…,Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Come on. It wasn’t my fault.,Sheldon: Who was he?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.","Penny: Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.",Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.",Leonard: I didn’t betray Penny.,"Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Not Penny, me!",Leonard: How am I betraying you?,Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.,0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Howard: How is a Japanese love pillow another person?,Raj: It is if you love her and give her a name.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,"Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali",Raj: Hi.,"Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?",0
Series 03 Episode 21 – The Plimpton Stimulation,Raj: I’m a big fan of your work.,Elizabeth: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.",0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Penny: Okay, Babydoll Pink, let’s see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad’s feet.","Leonard (voice off): It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!","Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.",0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.,"Leonard (voice off): Yes, if we lived in a teakettle.","Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.",0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.,"Leonard (voice off): Aw, screw the roommate agreement!","Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.",0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Sheldon: (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.","Leonard (voice off): You know what, go to Hell and set their thermostat.","Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?",0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Scene: The apartment. , ,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?,0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate?,"Leonard: Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.",Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?,0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: There’s doubt?,"Leonard: I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it.",Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.,0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,"Sheldon: That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.","Leonard: Okay, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: Nothing.,0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: There you go.,"Leonard: So, we’re good?","Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.",0
Series 03 Episode 22 – The Staircase Implementation,Sheldon: Good what?,Leonard: Never mind. Okay if I watch some TV?,"Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Scene: On the roof of the apartment building.,"Leonard: Okay, we’ve got power to the laser.","Sheldon: Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: I should’ve brought an umbrella.,Leonard: What for? It’s not going to rain.,Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.","Howard: That’s a bazinga, right?",Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Howard: You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.","Raj: It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy.",Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?","Leonard: Relax, it’s just a dirty sock.",Sheldon: In a minute.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?,"Leonard: Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks.",Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Not my world.,"Leonard: Hey, you know who’d really dig seeing this experiment? Penny.",Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Howard: She dumped you?,Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.,"Sheldon: If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Scene: The roof.,Howard: Happy now? I’m moving the dirty sock.,Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Penny: Hey, guys, this is my friend Zack.",Zack: Hey.,Sheldon: I take it back. I’m scared of turbulence!,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,Zack: Whoa! Is that the laser? It’s bitchin’.,"Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Leonard: The laser?,Zack: The moon.,Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.","Leonard: Uh, that’s a great question, Zack.",Sheldon: Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: No, it’s not.",Penny: Sheldon! Play nice.,"Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Zack: Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?",Howard: Preparing to fire laser at the moon.,Sheldon: Like when?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.",Zack: What species is that?,Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Zack: Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?","Penny: No, just keep walking.","Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Leonard: Have they found a match for you?,"Howard: Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left.","Sheldon: But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.,Leonard: Why not?,Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.",Leonard: I’ll help you.,"Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Penny: We’re gonna have sex.,"Leonard: Why? I mean, okay.",Sheldon: Oh. Yay.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: What’s going on?,"Penny: Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud.","Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.,Scene: The next morning.,"Sheldon: Oh, very much so.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: In what universe is this low-pulp? Good morning, Penny.","Penny: What, do you have eyes in the back of your head?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?","Penny: Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry.","Sheldon: It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.","Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.","Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.","Penny: Oh, God.","Sheldon: Oh, in that case, I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.",Leonard: How many times have I asked you not to do that?,"Sheldon: Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Counting this instance? 317.,Leonard: Where’s Penny?,"Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.,Leonard: I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye.,Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?,"Leonard: I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Howard: Well, him about to find out about her.",Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?,Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Howard: Sheldon. Hey.,Raj: Hi.,Sheldon: I’m glad because I would not have seen that coming.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.,"Howard: Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon?",Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Be more specific.,Howard: Four thirty.,"Sheldon: That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.,Howard: What?,Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.,"Raj: Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning?",Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.","Howard: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.","Raj: But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.","Sheldon: In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Raj: Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.","Howard: Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity?","Sheldon: Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.","Raj: Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.","Sheldon: I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.,"Howard: Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.","Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,"Howard: All right, you can have a hot chocolate.","Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.",Howard: Why?,Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Howard: Okay, I’m out.","Raj: Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.","Sheldon: Am I missing something, or isn’t that the part she was born to play?",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: You’re bluffing.,Raj: Are you willing to risk it?,Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Leonard: I’m really starting to think there’s a double standard here.,Scene: A coffee shop.,Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?",Raj: You don’t know we’re wrong yet.,Sheldon: How about Penny’s depressing acting career?,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.,Amy: Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper.,"Sheldon: Well, isn’t this nice. Sometimes the baby wins.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.","Amy: If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.","Sheldon: No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.",0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.,"Amy: I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.",Sheldon: Keep the table. We don’t use that space.,0
Series 03 Episode 23 – The Lunar Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.","Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.",Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you!,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.",Raj: And it only took 28 minutes.,Sheldon: Um.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.",Howard: Why?,"Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.","Leonard: I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Leonard: Yeah, we all are.",Howard: Just wait.,Sheldon: Which I also figured out by myself.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.",Penny: Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?,"Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.","Penny: Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.","Howard: Hey, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time, I just had to be sure.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Leonard: His girlfriend.,Penny: Sheldon has a girlfriend?,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Penny: How long has this been going on?,Leonard: Four months.,Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,"Penny: Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what’s new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend?",Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: Or, as we call them, Shamy.",Penny (squeals): Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy.,Sheldon: It is hideous.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.","Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?","Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Penny (spits out drink explosively. Howard types. Robot arm hands Penny a napkin): Thank you.,Leonard: Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby?,Sheldon: It doesn’t?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Howard: I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.,"Penny: Okay, I have a question.","Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Yes, Penny.",Penny: You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sex?,"Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?","Sheldon: No. You’ve opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate, open-minded person. And that stops now.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.","Penny: Oh, God.",Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Leonard: Still digging the Shamy?,"Penny: Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her.","Sheldon: No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: You mean dating?,Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I can’t date Amy.,Penny: Why not?,Sheldon: She told you?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,"Penny: Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child.",Sheldon: That’s not true.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?,Penny: Probably not.,"Sheldon: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Scene: The hallway., ,Sheldon: Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.,"Sheldon: What about the roommate agreement? It specifically states that any changes in furnishing have to be approved by the Furnishing Committee. Which only sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the way, it sits over there.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.,"Penny: Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time.","Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.",Penny: What do you want?,Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Penny: Oh, that’s great. Have fun.",Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Well, that means not one, or not any. Maybe instead of a table, you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: You know I don’t drive.,"Penny: Well, go ask Leonard.","Sheldon: But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.",Penny: Leonard said cockamamie?,Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.","Penny: Okay, fine. When’s the date?","Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Now.,Penny: Now?,"Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Hurry. We’re going to be late.,"Penny: Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?","Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?,"Penny: Well, no, not per se, but…","Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Howard: I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.",Scene: Penny’s car.,"Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me.,Penny: You’re welcome.,"Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.,Penny: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.,Penny: Can I ask you a question?,Sheldon: No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.","Penny: Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?",Sheldon: You’ll get ’em next time.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.","Penny: Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know.","Sheldon: I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.","Penny: My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.",Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Penny: Yeah, it’s okay.",Amy: But the light indicates…,Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Amy: Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.,"Penny: Guys, how ’bout some music?","Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Amy: No, thank you.","Penny: Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?","Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: No.,"Penny: Well, why don’t you tell her?",Sheldon: It was wonderful. ,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Amy: No.,"Penny: I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?",Penny: I don’t know. I was just trying something.,Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Scene: A restaurant.,"Penny: Hey, here’s another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.,Amy: That’s an amusing factoid.,"Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Penny: No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.",Amy: Is this true?,"Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Penny: Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh)", ,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.,Penny: What? Where did you get 171 men?,Sheldon: What is your problem?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…","Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.",Sheldon: I get it.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: I’m sorry. 16?,Penny: 14.,Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.,Penny: Oh.,"Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…","Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you’ve made your point.",Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. ,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?","Penny: No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay?",Sheldon: Come on.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?,Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count?,Sheldon: I never want this day to end.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Raj: Now can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch?,Scene: The stairwell. ,"Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?",0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.,Penny: I did not have sex with 31 guys.,Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four? ,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.",Penny: And that is?,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.,Penny: You’re still on that?,Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?","Penny: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you.",Sheldon: You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.,Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?,Sheldon: Wow. Your life’s amazing.,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,Sheldon: Curses.,"Penny: If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night.",Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?,0
Series 04 Episode 01 – The Robotic Manipulation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.","Leonard (on phone): Hey, Howard, what’s up?","Sheldon: It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.,Leonard: Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?,"Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Get out of town.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.,Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?,"Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.",Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?,"Sheldon: I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Killed by badger.,Leonard: How’s that?,Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.",Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.,"Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?",Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.","Leonard: That long, huh?","Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.,Leonard: What’s there?,"Sheldon: Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.","Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?",Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: By this much.,Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?,"Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.",Leonard: What’s a dogapus?,Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.,Leonard: Is somebody working on that?,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.,Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.,"Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Penny: Okay.,"Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks.","Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.",Penny: But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night.,"Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.",Howard: Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar?,"Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Leonard: No, no, don’t ask.","Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.","Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.","Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?",Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list. ,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Correct.,Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, who’s Angie Dickinson?",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Essentially, yes.","Penny: Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that?",Sheldon: Ay-yi-yi. ,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.","Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before?",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.","Howard (after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.","Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.",Leonard: What the hell? What’s the matter?,Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.,"Leonard: There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.",Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.",Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?,Sheldon: Whose house is this?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!",Leonard: Have you had your appendix out?,Sheldon: I don’t understand what we’re doing.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?",Leonard: Let’s get you to the hospital.,"Sheldon: Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.,"Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn’t it?","Sheldon: Hey, Los Angeles. I’m on a Ferris Wheel with Darth Vader. And he’s nicer than you think.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.",Leonard: Good night.,"Sheldon: Oh, James, I could listen to your stories all night.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Scene: The hallway., ,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees.",Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.,Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?,"Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?",Penny: I don’t have one.,Sheldon: So messed up.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: What about your pedometer?,Penny: Don’t have one.,"Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn’t, was he?",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?,"Penny: Uh, no.","Sheldon: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?","Penny: No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.","Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Why are you doing that?,Penny: It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run.,"Sheldon: You’re the ones who are going to get in trouble. You’re buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I’m warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum… ",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: All right.,"Penny: All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.","Sheldon: Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and…",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I am doing it.,"Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?","Sheldon: I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: We’ll never know.,"Penny: Okay, let’s just warm up on the run.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: Okay, let’s go.","Sheldon: No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, ’cause, legally, I’m not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, ’cause I hear he can be pretty nuts.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!","Penny (squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay?",Sheldon: You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I think so.,"Penny: Oh, let me help you up.","Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting),"Penny: Oh, Sheldon!",Sheldon: I didn’t even get to that part.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Penny: It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!","Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us?","Sheldon: You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.",Sheldon: How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.,Leonard: I am looking at you.,"Sheldon: I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.","Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?",Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?,Sheldon: I can’t believe we wasted all that time on our Hulk costumes.,0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Sheldon: An accident.,Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.,"Sheldon: It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.","Leonard: Fine, but don’t expect my help.","Sheldon: Not Sunday, I love Sunday.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,"Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.","Leonard: No, it’s not.","Sheldon: Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.",0
Series 04 Episode 02 – The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification,Steve Wozniak: Nerds.,Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.,Sheldon: Yay! And they say firefighters are the real heroes.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Do not stop refreshing your screens.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: All right, I’m ready for my next question.","Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Uganda.,Amy: Defend.,"Sheldon: It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.",Amy: Correct. My turn.,"Sheldon: Every year. I told you, wear a diaper.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?",Amy: Tuned bayonets.,"Sheldon: Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Defend.,Amy: Isn’t it obvious?,"Sheldon: Don’t get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.,Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?,"Sheldon: Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.,Amy: We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.,Sheldon: I’m fine with it.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.,Leonard: All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl.,"Sheldon: He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it?",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?","Leonard: Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know.","Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22. ",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.","Leonard: I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.",Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Leonard: This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.,Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?,Sheldon: Penny?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Howard: What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?",Raj: If I don’t have to boom-boom.,"Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Howard: Nice to see you.,Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Howard: Ah, ah.",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Namaste.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Penny: Hey, look, it’s Shamy.",Amy: Shamy?,"Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Penny: I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?","Amy: Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order?",Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.",Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.,Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Howard: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?",Amy: I’m curious as to why we’re not eating alone.,"Sheldon: Because he’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution, ,"Leonard: Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend?","Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.",Leonard: Got it.,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are. ",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.","Leonard: Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.",Sheldon: Why do you ask?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.","Leonard: Yeah, not my point.",Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.","Leonard: Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious.","Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: So?,Leonard: So we already have you for all that.,Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?,"Leonard: No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.",Sheldon: Let me guess.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.",Leonard: Suffered in silence?,Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Leonard: John and Yoko.,Howard: More like Yoko and Yoko.,Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Greetings.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.,"Amy: It’s very impressive, for theoretical work.","Sheldon: Well, have fun.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Amy: I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.",Leonard and Howard together: Oooh!,Sheldon: Where are you going?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?,Amy: I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.,Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.","Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so…",Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.","Amy: Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!",Amy: We appear to have reached an impasse.,Sheldon: But.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.,Amy: Seconded.,Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: There being no objections…,"All: No, uh-uh.",Sheldon: Please.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Amy: Good day, Sheldon Cooper.","Howard: Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.","Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Scene: The laundry room. ,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: I hear you broke up with Amy.,Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.,"Penny: Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing?","Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Regarding what?,Penny: Amy.,"Sheldon: I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,"Penny: Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.",Penny: Okay. Good.,"Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Howard: I thought we discussed the P-word.,"Raj: Don’t try to change me, dude. I am what I am.",Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen.",Howard: Hey. Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend?,"Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Howard: Hello.,Raj: Hi.,"Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Scene: The apartment. Leonard arrives.,"Leonard: Hey. (Turns to see Sheldon now has five cats) Oh, no.",Sheldon: It’s an outrage.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.,Leonard: So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project?,Sheldon: No. That wouldn’t be funny at all.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.",Leonard: Zazzles?,"Sheldon: No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.","Leonard: Okay, we need to talk.","Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: About what?,"Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.",Sheldon: Why don’t you ask her?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Clowder.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.,"Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.",Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.,Leonard: Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.,"Leonard: Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.",Sheldon: Can’t sleep?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.",Leonard: She didn’t dump me. It was mutual!,Sheldon: I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.,"Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.","Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.",Leonard: Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door),Sheldon: Should I follow you?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.),Leonard: Surprise.,"Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.","Mrs Cooper: My, my, that’s a powerful smell.",Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…","Mrs Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names.",Sheldon: Who’s in the mood to laugh?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,"Mrs Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.",Sheldon: All of them.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.",Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Scene: The kitchen.,Mrs Cooper: Shelly! Dinner’s ready!,"Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Coming!,Mrs Cooper: No cats!,Sheldon: Ointment?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Mrs Cooper: I called her.,"Amy: Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.",Sheldon: Kumquat?,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Leonard (pretending to sneeze): 25 cats!,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk.",Sheldon: Excellent.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.",Mrs Cooper: Then stop talking.,Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Yes, ma’am.","Mrs Cooper: Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other.",Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it.","Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise. ",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.",Amy: Excellent point.,Sheldon: I’ve been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let’s tickle some ribs.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Amy: Touche.,"Mrs Cooper: Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you.","Sheldon: Well, don’t ask me. Until I see the prequel, I’m lost.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.",Amy: I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: I’ll go as high as 40.,Amy: Sixty-five.,Sheldon: I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?",Amy: I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.,"Sheldon: I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats?,Amy: I would. I love cats. They’re the epitome of indifference.,Sheldon: I don’t get it.,0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Mrs Cooper: Well, isn’t that sweet?",Scene: Outside. Sheldon is sitting at a table with a sign reading “Cats $20”),"Sheldon: Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.",0
Series 04 Episode 03 – The Zazzy Substitution,"Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.",Amy: Next!,"Sheldon: Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Raj: I’m telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.",Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. ,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.","Raj: Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.",Sheldon: I think I’m hysterical.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.",Raj: Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I’m funny?",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?",Penny: What’s up?,"Sheldon: Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. ",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Bernadette: Hi, guys.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Howard: Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.",Raj: You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk?,Sheldon: Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.,Raj: You have a desk.,"Sheldon: Yay, Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Correct.,Raj: But I can’t have one.,"Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don’t have to.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: You’re two for two.,"Leonard: Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn’t begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.","Raj: Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?",Sheldon: I did. ,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Howard: Okay, what if he buys his own desk?","Raj: Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?",Sheldon: Or instead of me.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,Howard: Why?,Sheldon: I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Because…,Raj: Yes?,"Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: It’s my office.,Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.",Raj: And I can put it in your office?,Sheldon: You okay?,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?",Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?,"Sheldon: Ugh, all right, I’ll go. But from what I’ve seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Scene: A corridor at the university.,"Leonard: So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: One question.,Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"(Sheldon opens his office door. It bangs against a desk. Inside, Raj is sat behind a huge, ornate antique wooden desk in an enormous antique swivel chair.)",Raj: You said I could buy a desk.,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.,"Raj: Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk?",Sheldon: That’s it. The baby’s here. It’s a boy.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: It’s actually British.,Raj: Can you say it again for me?,"Sheldon: My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I’m on the phone. So rude.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,Raj: One more time?,Sheldon: I don’t know. I just got back. ,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,Raj: Now three times fast?,"Sheldon: Actually, much better.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?","Raj: That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.","Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time, I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud. ",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.",Raj: No.,Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: To what?,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,"Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Raj: I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.","Sheldon: Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I’m in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.",Raj: Knock yourself out.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Help me move my desk.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I’m the janitor of my sister’s birth canal.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No. It’s too Brobdingnagian.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.,"Raj: Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on.","Sheldon: Oh, boy. I picked the wrong day to wear my good robot T-shirt.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Sheldon: All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.",Raj: Thank you.,Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat.,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon?","Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Scene: University corridor. ,"Leonard: Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!",Sheldon: <i>She went into labor an hour ago.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes?,Leonard: What are you doing in there?,Sheldon: That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.,"Raj: It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.",Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? ,0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,"Raj: Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.",Leonard: Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes.",0
Series 04 Episode 04 – The Hot Troll Deviation,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Isn’t that flammable?,"Sheldon: Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.",Sheldon: Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.,Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.,Leonard: So what’s going on with you two?,"Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.","Leonard: Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?",Sheldon: Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.",Leonard: Got it.,Sheldon: Texas.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.,"Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little.","Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.,Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?,"Sheldon: You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.,"Leonard: Oh, right. That.","Sheldon: Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.",Leonard: I’m not jealous.,Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation, ,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.",Leonard: Probably. What’s your point?,"Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?","Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much.",Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?","Leonard: Um, shut up.",Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.",Leonard: That sounds lovely.,"Sheldon: Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.","Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.","Leonard: Fine. If I don’t meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.","Sheldon: Oh, everything is just sex with you isn’t it?",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Howard: Hey.,Raj: Hey.,Sheldon: It probably won’t.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Raj: That’s what she said.,"Leonard: Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…","Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no!",Leonard: …who’s a friend.,Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is stretched face down on the sofa.,"Sheldon: You’re right, That was uncalled for. I take it back.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Are you ill?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?",Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.,Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Amy (on webcam): May I offer an observation?,Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?,"Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.,Leonard: That was two hours ago.,"Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.","Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?,"Leonard: No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.","Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Leonard: Right.,"Amy: That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example.","Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Leonard (exiting the apartment): Keep going. I’m listening.,Amy: That was rude.,Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.,Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.,"Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.,Amy: Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow.,"Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.",Amy: Wait. I have a request.,"Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Yes?,Amy: I’d like you to meet my mother.,Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?,Amy: Certainly. Good night.,Sheldon: I can’t believe it.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.","Leonard: Yeah, what?",Sheldon: So no more interviews?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.,Leonard: Yeah. So?,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: What does that mean?,"Leonard: Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?","Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Uh-huh.,Leonard: You can’t say that anymore.,Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Wait. What?,"Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.","Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!,"Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it?",Sheldon: You should probably go.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.",Leonard: That is insane.,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.,"Leonard: Okay, good luck.",Sheldon: Would you two like to stay and play trains with me?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?,"Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?",Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.","Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?","Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Screwed.,Leonard: There you go.,Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Well, I’m off to meet Bernadette’s friend. How do I look?","Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.",Leonard: What are you working on?,"Sheldon: Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.,"Leonard: Ah, you’re going off the grid.",Sheldon: Why are you here?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Exactly.,Leonard: The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.,Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.,Leonard: What if she just comes over?,Sheldon: Do you have cookies?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.,Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?,"Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Leonard (there is a knock on the door): Who is it?,Amy (off): Amy Farrah Fowler.,Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Darn! She found me!,Leonard: She’s been here before.,"Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.",Leonard: What do you want to do?,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.,"Leonard: Okay, where are you?","Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Leonard: Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.",Amy: All right. (Leaves),"Sheldon: Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon (wearing a heavy coat and false nose and glasses): EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, excuse me, madam.",Amy: Sheldon?,Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Rats!,Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.,Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.",Amy: In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?,Amy: Precisely.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?,Amy: Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.,Sheldon: I just vomited on a lot of clowns.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.",Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.,Sheldon: This is a Jewish house. I don’t think they have pigskin.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?,"Amy: Sheldon, please, you’re suffocating me.","Sheldon: Now, how’s about you get us a couple of beers?",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Mrs Fowler (on webcam): It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.",Sheldon: Ain’t she great? ,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.,Mrs Fowler: What?,"Sheldon: Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.",0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,"Mrs Fowler: Amy, what is he saying?","Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.",Sheldon: She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.,0
Series 04 Episode 05 – The Desperation Emanation,Mrs Fowler: Oh!,"Amy: Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well.","Sheldon: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Leonard: Problem?,Howard: This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.,Sheldon: Do you mind? We’re having a moment here.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.,"Raj: Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.","Priya: Oh, Sheldon. You haven’t changed a bit, have you?","Sheldon: No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Priya: I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.,Raj: Can you believe it? Little Priya’s one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.,Sheldon: So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard: I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.","Raj: Alright, this goes without saying, but I’m just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister.",Sheldon: No. He died when I was 14.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Howard: Yes.,Raj: Okay then.,Sheldon: So was my dad. And then he did.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Howard: So, you got any special plans with your sister?","Raj: Oh, not really, just hang out.",Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.",Raj: Train day?,Sheldon: I don’t care for your mother’s bathroom. There’s not an angle to do one’s business without a clown figurine staring at you.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.",Raj: I don’t think we’re going to do that.,"Sheldon: I would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard: Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?","Raj: Uh, my plans with Priya.",Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: He rejected train day.,Leonard: Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?,Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Abundantly.,Leonard: I guess he just hates fun.,"Sheldon: I don’t know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard: So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.","Priya: I don’t know, I just have the one day.","Sheldon: It smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know…",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Do you like trains?,Priya: Not particularly.,Sheldon: Hah!Penny? Next.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on his laptop., ,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.","Leonard: It’s getting pretty late, how come you’re still up?","Sheldon: Yes, Miss Amy.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.,Leonard: That’s pretty cool.,Sheldon: Yes. Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.",Leonard: You’ve really got to get out more.,"Sheldon: Let me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Priya: You said he goes to bed at nine.,"Leonard: Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and…",Sheldon: He’s right.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Priya: Can’t you get rid of him?,"Leonard: If the past is any indication, no.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.",Leonard: Drop axe.,Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.,"Leonard: Give me a minute. Sheldon,",Sheldon: Do we really have to go to Mrs. Wolowitz’s house?,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.","Leonard: Sheldon, you need to work in the morning.","Sheldon: Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I know.,"Leonard: Well then, bed mister.","Sheldon: Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Five more minutes.,Leonard: Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.,"Sheldon: Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.,"Leonard: You don’t want that, do you?","Sheldon: Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?,"Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.","Sheldon: Yeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn’t do it.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.,"Leonard: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work.",Sheldon: I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.","Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon!","Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.,Leonard (to Priya): We’re going to have to be very quiet.,"Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.","Leonard: No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?","Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Leonard: I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.,"Priya: Aha, you’re funny.","Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.,"Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.","Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.",Leonard: Air freshener.,Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.,"Leonard: Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash.",Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?,"Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great.","Sheldon: Please. Ha-ha, Oh.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.","Leonard: Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go.","Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?,"Leonard: Uh, cream.","Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?,Leonard: Without.,Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.",Leonard: Fine. With.,"Sheldon: Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.,Leonard: Use your best judgement.,"Sheldon: This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.",Leonard: Sounds great.,Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Leonard (whispering): Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)", ,Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Priya?,"Priya: Good morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation, ,"Leonard: Making pretty good time, huh?","Sheldon: How those nipples feeling, chief?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?,Leonard: Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister.,Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?,Leonard: No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister.,Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. ,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.,Leonard: Like what?,"Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?",Leonard: Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj.,Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.","Leonard: Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard.",Sheldon: I said I would.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And Raj.,"Leonard: Alright, and Raj.",Sheldon: I believe you.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And me.,Leonard: You?,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.","Leonard: Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena.","Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.,"Leonard: My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.",Sheldon: Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret.",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: You know I can’t keep a secret.,"Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right?","Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?,"Leonard: Because, well, Batman has the secret.",Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.,Leonard: Like what?,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Scene: Leonard’s lab., ,"Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Ta-da!,Leonard: What.,"Sheldon: Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da!,"Leonard: Kind of busy here, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: I know, that’s why I shortened it.",Leonard: What do you want.,"Sheldon: Oh, wait here. I’ll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye’s house. As long as I’m not within 500 feet of it.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.,Leonard: What alibi?,"Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.","Leonard: Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with?",Sheldon: Can I invite you in for tea?,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.","Leonard: Oh, God.","Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. ",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.","Leonard (reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him): Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.","Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. ",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.,Mechanical voice on Sheldon’s phone: Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.,"Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.",Leonard: Where did you get that?,Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.,Leonard: An orang-u-tan?,"Sheldon: If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Raj: Hey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister’s never been attracted to him.","Leonard: C’mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she’s attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.",Sheldon: I’ll get Leonard.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Howard: Really, you, and where, where did you go?","Leonard: To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s.",Sheldon: I’m surprised to see you here.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: Arthur?,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?",Leonard: As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it.,"Sheldon: No, I said you were teaching someone a lesson. Now let’s go.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.","Leonard: Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.","Sheldon: Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.",Raj: What were you doing with Priya?,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Howard: How could you? We had a pact!,"Raj: Excuse me, I think how could you she’s my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!","Sheldon: Well, that really hurt. ",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Leonard: Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?,Raj: Dude! I put that thing on my face!,"Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. ",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Raj: That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!,"Howard: And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food.","Sheldon: It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. ",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.",Leonard: You put moths in my food?,"Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Raj: I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.,"Leonard: Well, uh, I can’t believe you used Sheldon’s toothbrush.","Sheldon: Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Howard: Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.","Raj: As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush.","Sheldon: No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.,Raj: I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving.,"Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: With real puffing smoke?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.,0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation, ,"Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone?","Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,"Sheldon: Well, sure.","Leonard: These are pretty god, what flavour is this?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, did I wake you?",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: Guess.,Leonard: Papaya?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Guava?,"Sheldon: Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I’m annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.",0
Series 04 Episode 06 – The Irish Pub Formulation,Sheldon: You’re so close.,Leonard: I give up.,"Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The University Cafeteria.,"Leonard: No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.,Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?,"Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Raj: Where are we going?,Howard: Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.,"Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.",Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?,Sheldon: That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.","Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.","Sheldon: Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door.,Leonard: Want to get that?,Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Not particularly.,Leonard: Could you get that?,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.,Leonard: Would you please get that?,"Sheldon: That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?,Page: Dr. Cooper?,Sheldon: Goody. What’s it say?,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Yes.,"Page: I’m Special Agent Page, FBI.","Sheldon: But I’m hanging out with my friend, and we’re having fun. Look how happy he is.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.",Page: Here’s my I.D.,"Sheldon: No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.,Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.,"Sheldon: No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.,Page: Thank you.,"Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?","Page: Fidelity, bravery, integrity?","Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?","Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.","Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.,Page: Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?,"Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: A little, but go on.",Page: Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible?,"Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?",Page: That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in.,"Sheldon: Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?",Page: I did.,Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash. ,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?,Page: I’m afraid not. Is there anything else?,"Sheldon: Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth. Like mommies and daddies do.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.",Page: The Mars Rover?,Sheldon: You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you. ,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?,Page: You did.,Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.","Page: Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway.","Sheldon: She’s sick, I knew it. Bye.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.,"Page: Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need.","Sheldon: Is it me, or does she not look so good?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Raj: Ah, me, too.","Leonard: To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.",Sheldon: She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day?,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: What are you doing up?,"Sheldon: I hate to pile on the bad news, but I just got a raise.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.",Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.,"Sheldon: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler. You just made the fort.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?,Leonard: I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep?,Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.,Leonard: Did something happen today that’s bothering you?,Sheldon: You’re not?,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I know. When will this nightmare end?,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?,Leonard: Because you feel guilty?,Sheldon: The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.,"Leonard: Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now.","Sheldon: Oh, no, they found the element. (More applause) No, no, stop it. I don’t need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Excuse me?,Leonard: You’re having a guilt-ridden dream.,"Sheldon: And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?,Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch?,Sheldon: Stop it. Stop celebrating me.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.",Scene: Agent Page’s Office.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.","Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.","Sheldon: You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Yes.,Page: Was your statement untrue?,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: No.,Page: Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it.,Sheldon: There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. ,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.,Page: Is there anything else?,"Sheldon: Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…","Page: I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed.","Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.,Page: It’s closed.,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.",Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter?,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.",Scene: A corridor at the university.,"Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. ",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?,"Raj: I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.","Sheldon: This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.,Dr Tyson: But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.,Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Raj: Oh, yeah.",Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.,Howard: You?,Sheldon: This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.",Howard: And they were okay with that?,"Sheldon: Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.","Howard: Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?","Sheldon: And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.",Howard: Your apology is not accepted.,"Sheldon: Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.","Dr Tyson: Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.","Sheldon: Now give me that cookie, I discovered an element.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory.,Penny: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.","Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.","Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.,"Penny: Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you?","Sheldon: Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks. ",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Alcohol.,Penny: Could you be a little more specific?,"Sheldon: Did I? Well, that can’t be right. No one’s ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain…",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.,"Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres.","Sheldon: Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.,Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters?,"Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: More or less.,"Penny: Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we?",Sheldon: Zone.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.",Penny: A what?,"Sheldon: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward. And back to the zone.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…","Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky.",Sheldon: When did we get to the Cheesecake Factory?,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.,"Penny: Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.",Sheldon: Really don’t care.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.,"Penny: All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind?","Sheldon: Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.","Penny: Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.",Sheldon: Can’t talk. In the zone.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?",Penny: I drink.,"Sheldon: Well, I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid. She just doesn’t see it.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.","Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.","Sheldon: My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.",Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win.,"Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.,Penny: Kirk cheated.,"Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.,Penny: Right there with you.,"Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.,"Penny: What? Sheldon, you can’t reprogram people.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: Well…,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Raj: Hello.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: You’re not listening to my side of it.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?",Howard: Not really.,"Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence…",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.","Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon.",Sheldon: But you don’t even know…,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.,Raj: What’s in the bag?,Sheldon: But you didn’t even hear the details.,0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: It’s for Howard.,"Howard: Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts.","Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.",Howard: You’re giving me a couch cushion?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.,Howard: But you love that spot.,"Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,"Raj: Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.",Howard: All right. Apology accepted.,"Sheldon: Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.",0
Series 04 Episode 07 – The Apology Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…",Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Howard (after Raj whispers to him): I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.","Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.","Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.",Leonard: Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?,Sheldon: Bleugh!,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Howard: Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.","Penny: Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?","Sheldon: Well, now, that.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Penny: What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!",Leonard: Exactly. They say it finally solves the submarine controversy.,"Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation, ,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?","Leonard: Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.",Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.","Howard: You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.",Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.,"Howard: Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you.","Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.,"Leonard: Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine.","Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?,"Leonard: Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.","Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: But how were our seats?,Leonard: Excellent.,Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?","Amy: Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.","Sheldon: It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Howard: I have a girlfriend and you don’t.,Leonard: Hysterical!,"Sheldon: Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Penny: Uh, just wear something comfortable.",Amy: All right. I’ll have to go shopping.,"Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Knock-knock.,Leonard: Who‘s there?,"Sheldon: Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Hugh.,Leonard: Hugh who?,"Sheldon: Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.,Scene: The movie theatre. The line is incredibly long.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.",Howard: Ooh. Can’t wait for that to start.,"Sheldon: Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: I informed you thusly.,Raj: Eight for 28.,"Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.,"Raj: Well I earned it, dude, I ate all my broccoli.","Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Howard: Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.","Raj: Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats.","Sheldon: Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: What did he say?,"Leonard: Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap.",Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: We might not get seats?,"Leonard: It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep.","Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Leonard: Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?","Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies!",Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.",Wil: Mee-sa think that very funny.,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Wil: Yeah.,Theatre Staff: I’m a big fan.,"Sheldon: Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Theatre Staff: No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.","Wil: Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here?",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.","Leonard: Calm down, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. ",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Scene: The movie line. ,"Raj: Oh, oh, uh, looks like they’re getting ready to let people in.","Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.",Leonard: Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.,"Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Amy: Oh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas?,Scene: The movie line. ,"Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.","Theatre staff: Guys, I am sorry. We are full up.",Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on Amy’s face when she hears my top-notch idea?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Leonard: We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?,Theatre staff: Sorry. Fire regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier.,"Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Theatre staff: ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.",Howard: I guess that’s that. Let’s go home.,Sheldon: That’s a Raging Ogre.,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.,"Raj: We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.",Sheldon: Why not? Hairy Fairy.,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon?,"Howard: Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.","Sheldon: Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: You whistled?,Leonard: What is that?,"Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.","Leonard: Sheldon, this is crazy.",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.,Leonard: Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.,"Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,"Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.","Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.","Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Leonard: Yeah.,Scene: Outside the movie theatre.,"Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.",0
Series 04 Episode 08 – The 21 Second Excitation,Howard: Let’s see you run with a bag of urine strapped to your leg.,Wil: He’s got the movie! Get him!,"Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Howard: You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener?",Leonard: He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?,"Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.",Howard: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity, ,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: That’s true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.,0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Howard: Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race.","Raj: Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.",Sheldon: Yes. But not as good as I’m going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn’t have a job.,0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.",Leonard: You’ll never guess what just happened.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Sheldon: Aw.,Leonard: Penny kissed me.,"Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Howard: Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.,Leonard: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.,"Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Raj: Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.",Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?,"Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Penny (at door): Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?","Leonard: Yeah, sure.","Sheldon: Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: I love you.,"Penny: Love you, too.","Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?,Penny: Maybe.,"Sheldon: Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…",Leonard: Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this?,"Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.,"Penny: No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?",Sheldon: I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.,0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.",Leonard: Fines?,"Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: I’ll friend you on Facebook.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Yes. Why?,0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.","Leonard: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again.","Sheldon: Wait, hang on. You’ve spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she’s fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn’t noticed?",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Leonard: Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?,Raj: Why? You writing a book?,"Sheldon: Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,"Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.",Raj: Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject?,"Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.",0
Series 04 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend Complexity,Howard: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?,"Leonard: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.","Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.",Leonard: Great.,"Sheldon: Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the Nazis find the ark, open it and die.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.","Raj: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?","Sheldon: I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Howard: Uh-uh.,Raj: We’re good.,"Sheldon: Oh, I see your confusion. You don’t understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?",Leonard: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.,"Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Leonard: 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.",Scene: Amy’s lab. ,"Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?,"Amy: It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.",Sheldon: That’s it? Good”,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.","Amy: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.",Sheldon: So what’d you think?,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Amy: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.",Sheldon: Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.","Amy: No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.,"Amy: Oh, that sounds like fun.","Sheldon: No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?,"Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.","Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Localized to what region?,Amy: Ears and genitalia.,"Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.,"Amy: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.",Sheldon: I’m not a child. I know the word ninny.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Who?,Amy: Zack.,Sheldon: Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Then why did you ask?,Amy: Ask what?,Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Who.,Amy: Zack.,Sheldon: To the planetarium.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?",Amy: Hoo.,Sheldon: Yes. Yes. My brain is better than everybody’s.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Zack.,Amy: Why do you keep saying Zack?,"Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.,Amy: I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night.,"Sheldon: No one likes a know-it-all, Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?",Amy: There was no question. I simply said hoo.,Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Scene: Amy’s lab. ,Amy: My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.,"Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?,"Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause.","Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.,"Amy: I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.","Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.,"Amy: Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.",Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.",Amy: Religion?,Sheldon: I thought we were the Lightning Sharks.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Got it.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.",Amy: Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?,Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?,Amy: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.,Amy: Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?,Sheldon: It’s the comic book store.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.",Amy: And?,"Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I reject it.,"Amy: You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?","Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.,"Amy: That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.",Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.",Scene: The laundry room.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Hey. Isn’t tomorrow your usual laundry night?,Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.",Penny: That’s thinking ahead.,"Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.,Penny: So how’s Amy?,"Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.,"Penny: Oh, no. Why?",Sheldon: Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.",Penny: Just going to skip over that insult.,"Sheldon: Oh, see? Now he gets it.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Penny: Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the",scientific word?,"Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. ",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.,Penny: Oh! Okay. Wow.,Sheldon: He is a born showman.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.,Penny: Are you sure?,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: What are you suggesting?,Penny: I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?,"Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.,Penny: Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.,Penny: Exactly.,"Sheldon: That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Penny: Oh, Amy, you lucky girl.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.,Sheldon: Come on.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Leonard: Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.,Scene: A bar.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?,Amy: I’m sure it’ll wash off.,"Sheldon: I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.,Amy: There’s Zack.,Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?,"Amy: It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do.",Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.,0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.","Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.","Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Leonard: Fellas. It’s been 30 minutes. Nobody’s touched each other.,Scene: A street. ,"Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.",0
Series 04 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite Hypothesis,Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.,Amy: As am I. (Holds Sheldon’s hand),"Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures. ",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: Ice Dragon.,Leonard: Lesser Warlord of Ka’a.,Sheldon: I suppose so.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.,Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?,Sheldon: Or a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.",Leonard: Do you understand why people don’t want to play with you?,"Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?","Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.","Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: They might be smarter than some people.,"Zack: Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.",Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: A dolphin might.,"Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I’m stupid.",Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: You started it, we just piled on.",Leonard: What would I even say?,"Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. ",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.",Raj: A Milk Dud?,Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Leonard: I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?",Raj: Junior Mints are pretty apologetic.,Sheldon: You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: You’re embarrassing yourself.,Scene: At Penny’s door. Leonard knocks three times. ,Sheldon: You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Zack: No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.","Leonard: Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.",Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: See?,"Zack: I don’t know, it still wasn’t very nice.",Sheldon: Hello. So I guess you’re really holding up the other four fingers?,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: Leonard’s buying.,Zack: Really? I haven’t been to a comic book store in literally a million years.,Sheldon: Keep it up?,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Scene: The comic book store.,"Zack: Wow, this place is awesome. Where do they keep the Archies?","Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Zack: Yippee.,Stuart: So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party?,Sheldon: I wish I could believe you.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.,Howard: Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.,Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.","Leonard: Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.","Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?",Stuart: Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots?,"Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: He is the only person we know with actual muscles.,Leonard: You can’t replace me with Zack.,"Sheldon: Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?","Zack: Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.","Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: You can be Aquaman.,Raj: I don’t want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.,"Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Penny: What great news?,"Zack: We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.",Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.,"Penny: Okay, what about your friend Amy?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed as Green Lantern, Sheldon as The Flash. ",Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I’m wearing this year. Amy, you’re going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously.,Leonard: You’re jogging.,Sheldon: You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces.,"Leonard; Just chill out, Sheldon.","Sheldon: No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.,Howard: I’m Batman.,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Zack: Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.,Penny: All right. Let’s get this thing over with.,Sheldon: Amy?,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Zack: Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.","Howard: Well, actually.","Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Penny: I’m not talking to you.,Zack: Then who are you talking to? Babe?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon:  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.",Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.","Penny: Okay. What do you want, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: I understand why you’re upset.,Penny: Really?,Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.,"Penny: No. Wait, wait, does it?",Sheldon: Aha. ,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.,"Penny: Good-bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Leonard: Who else would it be?,"Zack: I don’t know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you?","Sheldon: There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Zack: I don’t want to go without Penny.,"Raj: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.","Sheldon: No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.","Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.",Sheldon: I hear a woman’s voice.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Howard: You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.","Leonard: Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?","Sheldon: Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Leonard: Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.","Howard (outside the door): Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.","Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Oh.,Zack: Yes.,"Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination, ,Stuart: And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three!,Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Stuart: Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight.","All: Ten, nine, eight…",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.,0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech.","All: Seven, six…","Sheldon: Uh, elephant?",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Sheldon: Stop counting!,"All: Five, four, three…","Sheldon: Yes, I am.",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,"Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it!","All: Two, one! Happy New Year!","Sheldon: Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun?",0
Series 04 Episode 11 – The Justice League Recombination,Howard: Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.,Leonard: What should we do?,Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Howard: Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse. Now, put your finger on it. Doesn’t matter which finger. Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon. Yeah, the little envelope. What do you mean, what does it look like? It looks like an envelope! Fine, you don’t like the computer, don’t use it! Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye!","Raj: That’s a Hanukkah present you’re regretting, huh?","Sheldon: Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.","Leonard: I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation?",Sheldon: What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Leonard: I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!",Raj: You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises.,Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.",Leonard: Can you say that and not make it sound like I’m a cat who learned how to use the toilet?,Sheldon: That’s odd.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Raj: I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question. ,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: I checked the App Store. No one is doing handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.,"Sheldon: That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, shush.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon (singing): The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…","Penny: Okay, stop, stop!","Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Penny: Bored.,Leonard: Satisfied?,"Sheldon: What, now, do you have company?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Penny: Hey, wait a minute.","Howard: Well, hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.","Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Howard: Hey, I…",Penny: Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.",Leonard: That is ridiculous.,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. ",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Penny: Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.","Howard: There’s your answer, free food.",Sheldon: Oh.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.","Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.","Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.,Raj: Oh. Very clever. But still racist.,Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.",Howard: Why am I listed as your executive assistant?,Sheldon: Don’t try and trick me into buying something I don’t want. Now let’s talk Aquaman. ,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.","Leonard: Okay, we need to stop for a minute.",Sheldon: I’m a real collector. How rare is it?,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge.","Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.","Leonard: Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.","Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Leonard: Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.,Raj: Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass.,"Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.",Leonard: Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.,Sheldon: That criticism will come later in your report card.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Later. ,"Leonard: So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients.","Sheldon: I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Good one, boss.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.,Leonard: It’s not a joke. It’s the real design.,"Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?","Leonard: Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way.",Sheldon: And here’s another interesting weather fact.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.",Leonard: Are you done?,Sheldon: Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Later still.,"Howard: So right now, this button-press event is just triggering a dummy procedure call…",Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.,Raj: So it spells Sheldon?,Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Leonard: We’re not doing names now. Howard?,"Howard: Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…",Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.",Leonard: That’s just Sheldon backwards.,Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Another happy accident.,Leonard: We’re not wasting time with names right now.,"Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I see. Is that decision open for discussion?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Leonard: No.,"Howard: Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…","Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.,"Leonard: Oh Sheldon, stop it.",Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…","Leonard: That’s enough, Sheldon.","Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.","Leonard: Okay, that’s it, you’re fired.",Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Really? Why?,Leonard: Because you’re impossible to work with.,Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization, ,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.",Leonard: But I fired you.,"Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.","Leonard: No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever.",Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: But I made it better.,Leonard: I don’t want it better. I want it my way.,"Sheldon: Oh, seriously?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.",Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.","Leonard: Look, I’m still happy to drive you to work. Nothing’s changed in that regard. We’re still roommates, we’re still friends.","Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Raj: Mm. Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?","Howard: It means after we play handball, I’m showering at home.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.",Raj: World’s Greatest Astrophysicist?,"Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Don’t thank me. You earned it.,Howard: Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer?,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.",Howard: We’re not quitting on Leonard.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?,Raj: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Howard: Fine. Let’s say it together.,Raj: No. The moment has passed.,Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?","Raj: You mean, Project Lenwoloppali?",Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?",Leonard: We’re actually scanning equations and getting good results.,Sheldon: You were.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Howard: No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…,Leonard: What are you doing?!,Sheldon: Are you in danger?,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Playing the theremin.,"Leonard: No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin?",Sheldon: Isn’t it five thirty in the morning there?,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.",Leonard: Sheldon! We’re working here!,"Sheldon: Oh, goodie, put him on speaker phone.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.","Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.","Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?","Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.",Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.",Scene: The hallway.,"Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow-ow-ow-ow.",Penny: What you doing? Trying to contact your home planet?,Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon (singing): Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah.","Penny: Something got you down, there, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.,"Penny: Oh, honey, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.,Penny: Is that so?,"Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Yes. And they’re still sticky.,Penny: Aw.,Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Probably going to have to throw them away.,"Penny: Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.","Sheldon: Well, I try.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: With you?,"Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.",Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table),0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?,"Penny: Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.",Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: That’s your app idea?,"Penny: Well, you don’t like it?","Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.",Penny: Why not?,"Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.",Penny: And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that.,"Sheldon: I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.","Penny: Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some?","Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?,Penny: Milk.,"Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Real cocoa?,Penny: That’s what it says on the packet.,Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?,"Penny: No, sorry.","Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.",Penny: What does that mean?,Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Penny’s apartment., ,"Sheldon: To be honest, I did.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Really? Leonard wants me back?,"Penny: Oh, yes. He says they are lost without you.","Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, we sure saw that coming.",Penny: That’s right.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. ",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.,"Penny: No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.",Sheldon: No!,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: How?,Penny: Say you’re sorry.,"Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.","Penny: Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm?","Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: No.,Penny: No?,"Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: I was being sarcastic.,"Penny: Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically.","Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.","Penny: Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go.","Sheldon: Don’t worry, Officer. They just love each other. We’re not smuggling drugs.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.","Penny: Oh, you’re welcome.","Sheldon: It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.","Leonard: Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.","Sheldon: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.",Leonard: Thanks.,"Sheldon: All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.,Howard: We have.,"Sheldon: Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law.",0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Penny: Okay, these are Uggs. These are Crocs. These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.",Sheldon: It did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.,0
Series 04 Episode 12 – The Bus Pants Utilization,Sheldon: Bored.,"Penny: Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory,Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?,"Sheldon: Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?","Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty busy this weekend.","Sheldon: Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.,"Penny: Boy, this is great. I haven’t had a vacation in ages.",Sheldon: Wow. No wonder you didn’t get that toothpaste commercial.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.",Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.,Sheldon: How?,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”,Amy: I don’t believe there’s any such thing.,Sheldon: They lie so they don’t look petty.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Scene: The apartment., ,Sheldon: You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.","Leonard: Don’t worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.",Sheldon: It was you.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.",Howard (after Raj whispers to him): Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises.,Sheldon: I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.",Penny: Yay!,"Sheldon: It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Leonard: They’re bigger than mine.,Scene: Leonard’s car. ,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.",Howard (voice): Fine.  Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now?,"Sheldon: You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.,Howard: Still right behind you.,"Sheldon: This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Penny: So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?","Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Scene: Leonard’s car. ,Leonard: Are you an element in the actinoid series?,"Sheldon: Oh, gee, I don’t know. My schedule’s a little busy.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: No. Amy?,Amy: Are you usually radioactive when found in nature?,"Sheldon: Leonard, you’re being selfish. We need to give you a proper send-off so we’ll have closure when you die at sea and crabs eat your face.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: No.,Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series?,"Sheldon: Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn’t change anything. I should have opened with that, huh?",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?","Penny: Uh, I don’t know. Are you food?","Sheldon: Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.,"Penny: Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?","Sheldon: I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.,Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?,"Sheldon: Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: Leonard.,"Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.",Sheldon: Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Penny: Go to sleep.,Leonard: Good night.,Sheldon: Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Sheldon: Please tell me you’re not having coitus.,Penny: We are not having coitus.,"Sheldon: No one asked you, Uhura.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"TV Announcer: Next on Turner Classic Movies, Bridget Jones’s Diary.","Raj: Oh, my God, I’m crying already.","Sheldon: Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.",Raj: Why?,"Sheldon: Yes, he does. He caters to my every whim.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Leonard: Penny’s here. (Raj whispers to him) No, we don’t want to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary!",Scene: A conference room.,"Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Bernadette: I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.,Amy: Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.,Penny (voice): We weren’t getting back together! It was a one-time thing!,Sheldon: I erotically caress your (Rolls dice) nose.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Amy: Hi, bestie.","Penny(voice): Yeah, hi.",Sheldon: I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.","Howard: Let me ask you something, Bernie.",Sheldon: What do you do?,0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Howard: What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?",Raj: I’d like to weigh in here. No.,"Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,"Sheldon (voice): Red Leader to Red Five. Red Leader to Red Five. Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye, a nonferrous metal. (Howard throws walkie-talkie out of window)",Scene: Leonard’s car. ,"Sheldon: Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.",0
Series 04 Episode 13 – The Love Car Displacement,Leonard: No. Why do you ask?,Amy: Because we’re going 120 miles per hour.,"Sheldon: More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,,Scene: A lecture hall.,"Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Penny: Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Leonard: In a word, triumphant.",Leonard: Really? Triumphant?,Sheldon: And now what?,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Penny: Oh, please let me tell him.","Leonard: I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard.","Sheldon: Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Tell me what?,"Howard: Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.","Leonard: Oh, uh, from the context, we think it means kill me now.",Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on webcam, with an undersea background): So, what do you think?",Sheldon: I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.",Amy: Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish),Sheldon: You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: No.,"Amy: Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.","Sheldon: Oh, then I’m out.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?,"Amy: If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.",Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: For instance?,"Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.","Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.","Amy: All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?",Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.,"Amy: Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.",Sheldon: The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?,Amy: Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons.,"Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.,Scene: Penny’s apartment door.,Sheldon: Yay!,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: That is amazing. He made me care about the ogre.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct?",Penny: I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress.,"Sheldon: Oh, even better than money. You gained experience points.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.,Penny: You want an acting lesson?,Sheldon: I ready my quarter-staff.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.,"Penny: Okay, where is this coming from?","Sheldon: Okay, literal goose bumps. Look.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.","Penny: Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge.","Sheldon: Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: So, when could we start?","Penny: Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t.",Sheldon: I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I suppose that’s one way to look at it.,Penny: I think it’s the only way to look at it.,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?,Penny: Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?,"Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.",Penny: Forget it.,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Raj: Just that I’m definitely not gay.,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.,Penny: You were acting?,"Sheldon: Go on, give him your lunch money.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"The Technique of Acting, Uta Hagen’s Respect for Acting, and Henry Winkler’s Heyyy, I’m an Actor.","Penny: Well, good for you. Come on in.","Sheldon: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: How shall we begin?,"Penny: Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.","Sheldon: Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon (doing nothing): You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.,"Penny: Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.",Sheldon: I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.","Penny: All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up.","Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: You’re the teacher.,Penny: Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation?,"Sheldon: I’ve got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.,Penny: This is all about listening and responding.,Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Gotcha.,"Penny: I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.",Sheldon: Father.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: All right.,Penny: All right.,"Sheldon: So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Action.,"Penny: Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action.","Sheldon: But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?","Penny: Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?","Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.",Penny: Yogurt?,Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Yeah.,"Penny: Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here.","Sheldon: Oh, you’re not. You look awful.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: You do?,"Penny: Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.",Sheldon: Name it.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.,"Penny: Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.",Sheldon: Want me to sing it again?,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, and we’re going to use props?","Penny: You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?","Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Penny: So, did you get a chance to go over the scene I gave you?","Sheldon: Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this’ll be the best day ever.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Yes. I didn’t care for it.,"Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.","Sheldon: Oh, yeah.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.",Penny: Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study?,Sheldon: I’ll do it.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.,Penny: And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams?,"Sheldon: Yeah, it’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?,Penny: Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before.,"Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.",Penny: KMN.,"Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.","Penny: Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.","Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.,"Penny: Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.","Sheldon: Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something. :14:11,446",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?,Penny: It’s only logical.,"Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Very well. I’ll set the scene.,Penny: All right.,"Sheldon: What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.","Penny: Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene.",Sheldon: Potato clock. Do potato clock.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Hoo!,Penny: Now just read your mother’s line.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.",Penny: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.,Sheldon: It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!","Penny: Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock.","Sheldon: Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It’s nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping!",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.,Penny: Just keep going!,"Sheldon: Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.","Penny: We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.","Sheldon: Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”","Penny: Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.","Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show’s for me. Come on. I’ll race ya, Arthur.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: Why?,"Penny: Well, you’re losing your son.",Sheldon: I am.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.","Penny: All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue.",Sheldon: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.,"Penny: All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.","Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.",Penny: That’s good. That’s good. That’s good.,"Sheldon: Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.",0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.","Penny: Okay, I guess we’re improvising now.",Sheldon: The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you.,0
Series 04 Episode 14 – The Thespian Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.","Penny (on phone): Mrs. Cooper, hey, it’s Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.","Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Raj: Here’s what I wonder about zombies. (Others all groan) What happens if they can’t get any human flesh to eat? They can’t starve to death, they’re already dead.",Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?,Sheldon: I’m getting worried.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Leonard: Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.",Howard: Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?,"Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. Big cheque.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Raj: Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.,"Dr. Seibert: Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today?","Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?","Seibert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.",Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Raj: Sounds great!,Howard: I’m in!,"Sheldon: It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?",Seibert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.,Sheldon: Of course I do.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.,"Seibert: I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.","Sheldon: Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Raj: Oh, you don’t want that.","Seibert: So, Saturday night! It’s gonna be off the hook.","Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Leonard: Oh. We should get going.,Howard: What about Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Sheldon is not going.,Leonard: Really? What do we tell Siebert?,Sheldon: Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.,"Penny: Sheldon, it’s Saturday night, you’ll be doing laundry.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Raj: It’s Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.","Amy (on webcam): Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.","Sheldon: Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey!",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.","Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.","Sheldon: Hello. Uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas? Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Amy: I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?",I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.,"Sheldon: I love you, too.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?,"Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.",Sheldon: And a complete sucker.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.","Amy: And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.","Sheldon: Doesn’t matter, does it?",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.,"Amy: Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department.","Sheldon: Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!","Amy: Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts.","Sheldon: Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: No!,"Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.","Sheldon: Lucky for you, ’cause I wished you were dead.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Good morning, Mrs. Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband’s ill-gotten gains. So, how much money are you going to give me? I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you’re not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who’s crazy now?","Leonard: Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.",Sheldon: Let’s box it up.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?","Leonard: Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Okay, I see what’s happening.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.","Leonard: Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I’ve been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.","Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Scene: The apartment., ,Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?","Penny: Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching.","Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Howard: Hey. How was dinner?,Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?,Sheldon: By playing tic-tac-toe?,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Howard: What’s going on?,"Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.","Sheldon: …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Howard: Yes!,Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.,Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Penny: You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you?","Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.","Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.","Leonard: Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.,"Leonard: Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen.",Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Leonard: I repeat, not gonna happen.",Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain?,Sheldon: No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon (on phone): Okay, fine. I’ll tell him. Leonard, Mrs. Latham’s car is here for you.",Leonard: I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.,"Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.",Leonard: What’s this?,"Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.",Leonard: I am not going to have sex with her.,Sheldon: Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!,Leonard: Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.,"Sheldon: Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not?","Leonard: Good night, Sheldon.","Sheldon: No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!","Penny: He still won’t shag the old lady, huh?",Sheldon: I’m deleting it.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Leonard: What?,"Penny: Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.",Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: What’s going on?,"Leonard: Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me.",Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later.,0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: Are you just getting home?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?","Penny: Oh, yeah.","Sheldon: Yeah, right on, sister.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!,"Leonard: No, I didn’t do it for the money.","Sheldon: Anyway, thank you.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,Sheldon: She stiffed you?,Penny: I believe that’s what your roommate did to her.,"Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Penny: Again, read the book we gave you.","Leonard: No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first.","Sheldon: I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.","Leonard: Uh, I’m gonna go lie down.","Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.",0
Series 04 Episode 15 – The Benefactor Factor,"Sheldon: That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.",Penny: Hey!,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Leonard: Still arguing over which CSI is the best?,"Howard: No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.","Sheldon: Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: What’s going on?,Leonard: Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.,"Sheldon: I don’t want any more, but let’s go.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: What do you think I should do?,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.",Howard: Tea does sound nice.,"Sheldon: I don’t know what you’re doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj’s mother for a dollar.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Howard: There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.,"Leonard: Wait, wait. What?","Sheldon: Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Howard: I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.","Leonard: Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye.",Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.",Howard: That’s not really necessary.,Sheldon: What? That was ambiguous.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.",Howard: Thanks.,"Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Raj: It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.",Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.,"Howard: That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans.","Sheldon: Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Priya: Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Raj: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.,"Priya: Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.",Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Priya: It’s very nice to meet you.,"Penny: Oh, yeah, you, too.",Sheldon: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Raj: All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.,"Penny: Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza.",Sheldon: You’re here.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Priya: Hi. Penny, right?","Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.",Sheldon: Fine. Bad.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.","Penny: Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn.",Sheldon: Bad. However…,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Did you get the part?,Penny: I didn’t do the audition.,Sheldon: Glad.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Scene: The apartment. ,Penny: I smell Chinese food.,Sheldon: Sad.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.,Penny: Are Leonard and Priya here?,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.,Penny: Oh. Where’s Raj?,"Sheldon: Actually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,"Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.",Penny: How about Howard?,"Sheldon: Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.,"Penny: Oh, okay. Well, I guess it’s just the two of us, huh?","Sheldon: Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Penny: Not really.,"Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset.","Sheldon: First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.",0
Series 04 Episode 16 – The Cohabitation Formulation,Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.,"Penny: Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. I don’t want tea.","Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.,Sheldon: Barely knew him.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?","Leonard: Okay, I’m out of here.","Sheldon: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that. Let’s see. Up next on the tenure committee is Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?",Leonard: I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?,"Sheldon: Um… Well… You are black, right?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.",Leonard: Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight?,Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.",Leonard: Just come with me to Raj’s.,Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.","Leonard: It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.","Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.",Leonard: How come it’s not a party when we do it here?,"Sheldon: I’m not sure, it could go either way.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.,"Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not?",Sheldon: Even you. You’re a slave.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.",Leonard: I guess you’re right. See you later.,Sheldon: Well…,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?,Leonard: Come with me to Raj’s and eat there.,"Sheldon: But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?,Leonard: I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve.,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.","Leonard: What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?","Sheldon: Or, the chainsaw.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.",Credits sequence. ,Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Oh, dear!",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.,Leonard: So don’t watch TV. Read a book.,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.",Leonard: Ugh!,"Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?",Leonard: Right.,Sheldon: Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Raj: Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.","Leonard: Oh, sounds great.","Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Leonard: Hi.,"Howard: That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth?",Sheldon: Pchew!,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.","Priya: There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.","Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.",Leonard: Just sit here.,"Sheldon: If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.","Raj: Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.","Sheldon: If I could keep my Gmail account, I’d be okay with that.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.","Priya: Do you want a margarita, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory,"Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya?","Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella.,Penny: Where are all your friends?,Sheldon: Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.",Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?,"Penny: Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy?","Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.","Penny: Oh, the horror.",Sheldon: Don’t.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?",Penny: Ugh!,Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?,"Amy (on phone): Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj’s, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.",Sheldon: Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Amy: Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.","Penny: Yeah, it’s a great time to be alive, isn’t it?",Sheldon: Don’t.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Penny: Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.",Amy: Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise.,Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck.,"Amy: Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.","Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What you doing?,"Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: I’m setting out snacks.,Leonard: You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight?,Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?",Leonard: You’re having people over?,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s six against one. Stand down, sir.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.",Leonard: Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here?,"Sheldon: If I say yes, can we turn off that Latin orgy music?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him.,"Leonard: Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek.",Sheldon: My shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.",Leonard: Of course. Good night.,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll tell you. My goodness, everyone’s on their game today.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Leonard.,Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I.",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: But change is a part of life.,Leonard: It certainly is.,"Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.,Leonard: I am leaving.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.","Leonard: Good-bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don’t give you enough credit, Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Leonard: Of course I’ll be back. I live here!,"Scene: The apartment, later. ","Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?","Stuart: Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.","Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?","Zack: I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me?","Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Of course. Barry?,"Barry: I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?",Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.",Barry: One more question…,Sheldon: I did.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Zack: Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.","Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Barry: Weally? That’s your question?,Zack: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.","Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?","Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Stuart: Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.,"Zack: Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice…",Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building’s belly button.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: The water level rose.,Zack: No.,Sheldon: Thanks. Oh. Great party.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.","Barry: Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue.","Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.",Barry: Does yours have wet bweasts in it?,"Sheldon: Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content…",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.","Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her.","Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!","Zack: No, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don’t know why. Just do.",Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Stuart: And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.,Barry: Check.,"Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation, ,Stuart: Anybody do Walking on Sunshine yet?,"Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Howard: I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.,Raj: Come on in.,Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do?,0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies.,"Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.,"Priya: Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me.","Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?,"Sheldon: Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,Sheldon: Are there beans in it?,Priya: Yes.,"Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.","Priya: Sheldon, do you want some or not?","Sheldon: Well, now don’t you feel silly.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Raj: I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.",All: Cheers.,"Sheldon: No, you really shouldn’t have. I brought my own.",0
Series 04 Episode 17 – The Toast Derivation,"Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?","Priya: Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.","Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn’t have.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Howard: Hey, Raj, wanna see a new magic trick I’ve been working on?",Sheldon: Heard you the first time.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Raj: Okay.,"Howard: Now remember your card, put it back in the deck.",Sheldon: Thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to enlighten these young women.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Howard: Is that your card?,"Raj: Yes, it is. Very cool!","Sheldon: Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?,Howard: A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.,"Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science, until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can’t happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: That’s your card, right?",Penny: Seven of clubs! That is amazing!,Sheldon: Smart. We don’t want any problems.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.,"Howard: Oh, really? So how did I do it?","Sheldon: This must feel pretty good for you, coming back to your alma mater as an astronaut.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.",Howard: I thought you had more important things to think about.,Sheldon: How do I get 12-year-old girls excited.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.","Penny: Oh, big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.","Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: Yeah, I was talking to Raj.",Penny: Oopsy.,"Sheldon: Some people are otters, some people are rocks.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion.,Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I’ll do the trick with that.,Sheldon: All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Howard: And was your card the jack of diamonds?,"Penny: Oh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet?","Sheldon: Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!","Penny: Hey, I think I know how you did the card trick.",Sheldon: How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Priya: I hope you weren’t cruel to her.,"Leonard: Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way?","Sheldon: No, you’re a tool I was using to make my point.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.","Leonard: I am not opening that door, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?",Leonard: Yep.,Sheldon: Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?,Leonard: (Not looking) Nope.,"Sheldon: Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Drat. Is this your card?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: I’ll be right back.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is alone.,Sheldon: I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.",Leonard: Whatcha doin’?,Sheldon: Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick.,Leonard: What’s up with the infrared cameras?,"Sheldon: If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.","Leonard: Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?",Sheldon: I got the B word.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.,"Leonard: Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.","Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger?",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Relax, we’re not under attack right now.","Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving before the black helicopters get here.",Sheldon: She’s remarkable.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Leonard: It is pretty spicy.,Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.",Howard: Really?,"Sheldon: It’s about streetcars? Oh, great. I won’t need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.)",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Howard: I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?",Raj: Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down?,"Sheldon: Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now?",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: All right. Pick a card.,Howard: Okay.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.,Howard: What’s with the wand and the beep?,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.",Raj: These cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It’s transmitting to your phone.,Sheldon: Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I’m just funnin’ ya.,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Raj: Son of a gun, you’re blowing my mind!",Howard: Bippity-boppity-boo-yah!,"Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I’ve been itching to pull that trigger.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Raj: Hi!,Howard: Hey!,"Sheldon: You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Raj: Why so glum, chum?","Sheldon: All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.","Howard: Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet?","Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: Figure out the magic trick yet?,Howard: Want me to tell you how to do it?,"Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?",0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,Sheldon: No.,Howard: I’ll show you one more time. Raj?,Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 04 Episode 18 – The Prestidigitation Approximation,"Sheldon: Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.",Howard: All right. (Raj looks over Sheldon’s shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.,"Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,,Scene: The apartment,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Policeman: Here. Breathe into this bag.,Leonard: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Oh, so many crazy rules.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Policeman: Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.,"Leonard: Oh, my God, what did they get?","Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.",Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?,"Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.",Policeman: Into the bag.,"Sheldon: Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that?",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: They took my battle ostrich.,"Leonard: Oh, no, not Glenn?",Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Policeman: Good luck, fellas.","Leonard: Thank you, officer.","Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?,"Policeman: Mr. Cooper, there’s nothing…","Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.,"Policeman: Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora.","Sheldon: No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?",Policeman: What?,Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Policeman: No.,"Leonard: Thank you, officer.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: It’s all gone. All gone.,"Leonard: I’m really sorry, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Why would I do that?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?",Leonard: I don’t know.,Sheldon: I know. I’m still learning to control it.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.","Leonard: I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.",Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion, ,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.","Howard: Whoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn’t leave a digital fingerprint.",Sheldon: Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.,"Raj: Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things.","Sheldon: Gosh, Penny, what’d you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Raj: I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.",Howard: Whoa! Somebody’s auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!,"Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Leonard: Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.","Penny: Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.",Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Raj: Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.","Penny: Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!",Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.,Penny: Just say thank you.,Sheldon: What’s wrong?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: We got him. We’re almost done.,"Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?","Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.","Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.","Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Priya: No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.","Leonard: Good, good. I’ll tell you what happens.","Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Raj: I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.,"Howard: Good news, gentlemen, I found our hacker.",Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine’s Day and order my pizza.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: Really?,"Howard: Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.","Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!","Howard: Thanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.","Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.,"Howard: Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house.",Sheldon: At the bottom.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.,"Leonard: Hold on, you’re thinking of going there?",Sheldon: Read it.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.,"Leonard: Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?","Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.",Leonard: No one’s getting tortured.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?",Raj: I totally had one of those.,Sheldon: More than anything.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?","Raj: I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after?",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: Also, tonight’s the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and","watching Wheel of Fortune, so If we could leave at eight, we’d still be able to regain our birthright at ten, ten thirty latest.",Sheldon: What is that?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Raj: Me, too.",Howard: And me.,"Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.",Scene: Howard’s house,Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.",Howard’s Mother (off): Whoopi and Rube Goldberg!,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Leonard: Totally.,"Raj: Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning?",Sheldon: It’s too late. I call dibs.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.","Raj: Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.",Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?",Raj: I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.,"Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Raj: She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that.,"Leonard (as Ride of the Valkyries begins): Oh, yeah, I’m feeling it.","Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Scene: Stuck in a traffic tailback.,"Howard: Next time we go to kick someone’s ass, we take the train.",Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Scene: Outside Todd Zarnecki’s house.,"Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go.",Sheldon: Mmm.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Coming.,Howard: Why did you bring that?,Sheldon: Next.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.,"Leonard: Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody.","Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.",Leonard: Come on.,"Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Leonard: You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)",Voice Inside: Who is it?,"Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Your doom!,Raj: Don’t say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom?,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Huge man (opening door): What?,"Leonard: Uh, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?,Todd: Yeah. Who are you?,"Sheldon: Oh, you caught that, did you?",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.,Todd: I don’t think so. Let me see that.,"Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: Careful. That’s a collectible.,Todd: I know. I’ve always wanted one. (Closes door),Sheldon: Or maybe she doesn’t. Let’s find out.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, he’s even more cunning than we thought.",Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Raj: What’s the matter?,"Leonard: Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?",Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Howard: 19th-century technology.,Leonard: Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?,"Sheldon: Well, the evidence does support that.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: No, not a clue.","Leonard: Well, we’d better call somebody to come pick us up.",Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.,0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: It’d be swell if they had a train.,Scene: Penny’s car.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Howard: This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?",Penny: So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back?,"Sheldon: I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,Sheldon: No. We failed in our noble quest.,Penny: How come?,"Sheldon: She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.",0
Series 04 Episode 19 – The Zarnecki Incursion,"Penny: Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.",Todd: Okay.,Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: A bookstore.,"Dr. Brian Greene: My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.",Sheldon: You did.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Hysterical.,"Amy: I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly.",Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.,"Greene: You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle.",Sheldon: You can’t live here.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.,"Amy: Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette.",Sheldon: We’re not home right now.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.","Amy: Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups.",Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Forgive my language, but poppycock.","Amy: What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish?","Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?",Amy: Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.,"Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?",Greene: Yes?,Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.,"Greene: Yes, in part.","Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?",Greene: Excuse me?,Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing on a Nintendo Wii.,Leonard: Nice shot.,"Sheldon: I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.,Leonard: Perfect.,Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?",Leonard: Shooting at a target?,"Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: With what?,Leonard: An arrow.,Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.,"Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.",Leonard: Really? How could you tell?,"Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: She was attempting to engage me in gossip.,Leonard: You don’t say?,"Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.,"Leonard: So, what’s the gossip?",Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.","Leonard: Fine, don’t tell me.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.",Leonard: Oh. That’s too bad. I wonder what happened.,"Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Raj: Fair enough. Now, what’s up with Clarinet? Bernadette!",Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about Dr. Greene’s efforts to make science palatable for the masses.,"Leonard: Oh, yeah? What about it?","Sheldon: Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Howard: Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.",Leonard: Lucky bastard.,"Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Leonard: Man, he’s going to be blindsided.",Raj: I know. It’ll be awful.,"Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Leonard: Yeah, Raj, why?","Raj: Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Did I tell you our lab got a grant to study addiction?,Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: No.,Amy: Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.,Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Have you learned anything?,Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.,Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.",Amy: By all means.,Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.,Amy: I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup.,Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.",Amy: It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory?,"Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I’m familiar with everything, but go on.",Amy: Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host.,Sheldon: Exactly.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.",Amy: I should think so. That’s gold.,"Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?,Amy: Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?,"Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.,Amy: We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip.,"Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.,"Amy: Then we’ll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.",Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Hey.,Leonard: Hope you’re hungry.,Sheldon: Dobby the elf dies in book seven.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.",Leonard: Will Amy be joining us for dinner?,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Yes, I believe so.","Leonard: Good, good. Everything okay between you two?",Sheldon: Crazy bastard?,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Yes. Why do you ask?,"Leonard: No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.",Sheldon: Where are you going?,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?",Leonard: No. That’s not what he meant.,"Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.","Leonard: Yeah, you do. You dog, you.",Sheldon: You pick that up right now.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Did you get that?,Amy (on webcam): Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.,"Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: This is moving faster than we thought.,Amy: Agreed. It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.,"Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Howard: Sure.,Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.,"Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: Pun intended?,Amy: No. Happy accident.,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.,Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.,"Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.",Amy: Pun intended?,Sheldon: Good.,0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,Sheldon: I’m sorry. What pun?,"Amy: Not important. I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.","Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.",0
Series 04 Episode 20 – The Herb Garden Germination,"Priya: Oh, it’s so exciting.",Amy: I wonder what changed her mind.,"Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,,Scene: The bathroom,Sheldon: Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?","Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.",Sheldon: Can we get back to work?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.,"Leonard: I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower.",Sheldon: I didn’t notice.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.,Leonard: What kind of emergency?,"Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.",Leonard: You might not want to do that.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I assure you I do.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not alone in here.","Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What?,"Priya: Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.,"Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.",Sheldon: It’s a possibility.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: We were in here first, you can’t be in here.","Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.","Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Scene: Penny’s door. , ,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection, ,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: That’s awfully personal.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Leonard: Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.,Priya: Proceed.,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.",Priya: Can I see the roommate agreement?,"Sheldon: Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.","Priya: All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Do so, do so.","Priya: Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.","Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.","Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?",Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.,"Priya: My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.",Sheldon: So?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Priya: As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.",Leonard: Superceded!,Sheldon: We do?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Priya: Seriously?,Howard (in Stephen Hawking voice): I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.,"Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Leonard: I’d like to refer that to my attorney.,"Priya: According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.","Sheldon: All right, geez. What a grouch.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Howard: That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?","Priya: A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?","Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: No.,All: Opa!,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.",Leonard: Not as much as you.,Sheldon: See?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.,Leonard: I got you the lamb kabob.,"Sheldon: No, look.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.",Scene: Penny’s door. ,Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny: Hey. What’s up?,Sheldon: I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.,"Penny: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.",Sheldon: What do we have to lose?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.","Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.","Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Amy: Fair warning, we can get ker-razy.",Bernadette: Yeah. Last week we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Bernadette: Whee-ee-ee!,Amy: You smell like baby powder.,Sheldon: I’m fine.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.","Amy: Oh, I’m not confused at all. You’re like a sexy toddler.",Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Bernadette: Not if they’re doing it for a long time.,"Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?",Sheldon: Very well.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Penny: Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?",Amy: I’m available for experimentation.,Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.,"Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).",Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Penny: Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.","Bernadette: Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.","Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.",Amy: Really?,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.,Penny: Did you take dance lessons?,Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.","Penny: Oh, we are so taking you dancing.","Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.","Bernadette: Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?","Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Penny: Take us to a place we can waltz.,Taxi driver: Where you can what?,"Sheldon: See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Taxi Driver: Here we go.,"Amy (singing): I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.","Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?",Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?,Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.,"Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: And there’s your answer.,Amy: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.",Amy: I have yoo-hoo.,"Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.,Amy: Make yourself comfortable.,"Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?,"Amy: Oh, that’s just Ricky.",Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?,Amy: Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.,"Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: What’s he doing here?,Amy: I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.,Sheldon: Don’t waste my time.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?,Amy: A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.,Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?,Amy: Yeah. He’s kind of an ass.,"Sheldon: I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?,Amy: Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?,Sheldon: Wait. They might be hostile.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.",Amy: And you want me to kill her? Done.,"Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: No, of course not.",Amy: I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.,Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.",Amy: Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?,"Sheldon: Well, I say that’s the last time we ever go outside.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: No.,Amy: What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.","Amy: You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.","Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?,"Amy: Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)","Sheldon: Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hello. Hello. Uh, uh, uh, four glasses of water, please. Anything for you guys?",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.",Leonard: Why would I want to do that?,Sheldon: I hate this planet.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?","Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in?","Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence activated.,"Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?","Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.",Priya: So what happens when it counts down?,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?","Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.","Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Leonard: Then why can’t we tell your parents?,"Priya: Please, don’t push this.","Sheldon: Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.","Leonard: No, he’s bluffing.",Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.,Leonard: It’s blackmail!,Sheldon: You’re right. Nice going.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Nine.,Priya: We give up.,Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Eight.,Leonard: This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug),Sheldon: Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?",Priya: Give him what he wants or we’re done.,Sheldon: Stealing is against the law!,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Sheldon: Three.,Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: Mr. Data’s weapon is his mind. I’m wielding it.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Leonard: Okay, I’ll sign it!",Female Voice: Self-destruct sequence aborted.,"Sheldon: I know Mr. Data isn’t supposed to smile, but here it comes.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is at his laptop. ,Sheldon: None of you will get it. It’s Eisenhower.,0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.",Amy: It most assuredly is not.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?",Amy: Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?,"Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.",Amy: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,"Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.",Amy: Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here.,"Sheldon: Shh, he said it’s interesting.",0
Series 04 Episode 21 – The Agreement Dissection,Amy: Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.,"Leonard (off): Come on, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!",Sheldon: I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Credits sequence ,"Leonard: Okay, see you later.","Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.,Leonard: That is good news. Bye.,Sheldon: But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.","Leonard: That, that’s brilliant.",Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.","Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?","Sheldon: It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.",Leonard: All right.,"Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.",Leonard: Elegant.,"Sheldon: That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.,"Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.","Sheldon: Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: And…,Leonard: And what?,"Sheldon: Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I’m gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you’d better ace it, they’re pretty mad.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.","Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.","Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.",Leonard: Got it. Bye.,"Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself. ,"Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?,Raj: I need a hug.,"Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.","Raj: Come on, Sheldon, open the door.",Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.,"Raj: I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.","Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.","Raj: Well, not so much depressed as lonely.","Sheldon: Well, hello.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.,Raj: What?,"Sheldon: Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t racist. He’s also brown.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.",Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely.,"Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.",Raj: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.,"Raj: Oh, cool. Can I play?","Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Like what?,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.","Raj: No, thank you. I’m fine.","Sheldon: So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.,"Raj: I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?","Raj: I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.","Raj: Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.,Raj: A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.,"Sheldon: Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?,Raj: I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.,"Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I like cows.,Raj: That’s not the point.,"Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.,"Raj: I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Scene: A coffee shop.,"Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.","Sheldon: So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Raj: My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Woman: Hi.,"Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Woman: What’s he observing?,"Raj: We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.",Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Raj: Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.",Angela: You’re cute.,"Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.,"Server: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins.","Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,"Raj (taking his shirt off): Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?",Angela: I…,Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.,0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.,"Scene: The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess. ","Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.,Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?,"Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?",0
Series 04 Episode 22 – The Wildebeest Implementation,Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.,"Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.","Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.,"Leonard: Uh, that’s my water.","Sheldon: Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: What?,Leonard: My water. You’re drinking it.,"Sheldon: Well, what should I do?",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?,Leonard: Yes. It’s my water.,"Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.",Leonard: Here we go.,"Sheldon: Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Raj: Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.",Bernadette: You guys ready to order?,"Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Bernadette: I don’t understand.,Howard: He drank from Leonard’s glass.,Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.,Leonard: That’s actually my napkin.,"Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!",Howard: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Priya: Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.","Howard: Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.","Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.,Leonard: You all right?,"Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, please. Look at you with your pouty bee-stung lips.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Leonard: Water nymph.,"Raj: Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places.","Sheldon: Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?,Raj: Sorry. Walking tree.,"Sheldon: Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning?",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Howard: You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.,"Raj: Sheldon, that’s my water.","Sheldon: Jenga, I win!",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Leonard: That’s not your water.,Raj: I know.,"Sheldon: Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it’s probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Scene: The laundry room.,Penny: Hey.,"Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?","Penny: I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said.","Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense…",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?,Penny: My mirth. Classic.,Sheldon: I’m getting three trains.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?,"Penny: It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.",Sheldon: Two trains?,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.,Penny: What are you doing at work these days?,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope it’s a train.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.","Penny: Alright, come on, even you have to admit that’s jibber-jabber.",Sheldon: I understand.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Penny: Okay.,"Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go!","Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.","Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going.",Sheldon: Santa?,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: I can’t.,"Penny: Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs.","Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ’em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.","Leonard: Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his.","Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: I would think he would know that.,"Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.","Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Howard: They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.,Penny: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.,Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.,Sheldon: Play through the pain.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.","Penny: Okay, you’re not helping.",Sheldon: All right. I think I cracked the code to lower the drawbridge.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Disagree.,Leonard: Go sit over there.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’m familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Bernadette: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?,"Howard: It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.",Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.",Howard: What’s wrong with the bathroom here?,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you?",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.","Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home.",Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?",Howard: No!,"Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem?",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Sheldon (exiting while the door is open): Finally. (Goes down corridor. Dodges into a door to avoid a coughing patient on a trolley. The room is full of doctors in hazmat suits.) Oh, what fresh hell is this?","Doctor: Wait, you can’t leave here, you’ve been exposed.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s like I’m really there.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,"Howard: Is it just me, or does she sound sexy when she’s angry?",Scene: A hospital room. The guys except for Sheldon are in Hazmat suits. ,Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?,0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Howard: Colossal Serpent.,Raj: I got a colossal serpent right here.,"Sheldon: Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.",0
Series 04 Episode 23 – The Engagement Reaction,Sheldon: Must you?,"Raj: Sorry, I’m just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting Zombie. Sheldon’s new Facebook photo.",Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Priya: Why not?,"Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.",Sheldon: I think the word you’re looking for is bravo.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.",Leonard: Kill me.,"Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.,"Bernadette: Guys, sorry I’m late. I have amazing news.","Sheldon: W-W-Wait. There’s still four more verses. You don’t sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know’st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost…",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.,Penny: Oh!,"Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Bernadette: Thank you.,"Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?","Sheldon: Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam. ,"Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.","Amy: It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.","Sheldon: Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.,"Amy: I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?","Sheldon: Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.,Amy: Have you considered massage?,Sheldon: I open the chest.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.",Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.,"Sheldon: I know they’re making a rhetorical point, I just don’t know what it is.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.,"Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.",Sheldon: Lucky.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: All right.,"Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.",Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Rotating.,Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.,"Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?,Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.,"Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!",Amy: Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.,"Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Amy: That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.,Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?,"Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why?,Raj: Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.,Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.,"Raj: Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room.","Sheldon: Yeah, like a bunch of savages.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.","Raj: Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his?","Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.","Raj: Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.","Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.","Raj: Good night, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Maybe I will.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.",Raj: You’re kidding.,Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.",Leonard: Until you have kids.,"Sheldon: Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.",Raj: When did you take my blood?,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.",Raj: What the hell is this?,Sheldon: Are you prepared to receive your punishment?,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.,Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.,Sheldon: I don’t want to. But it looks like you left me no choice.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Leonard: There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.","Raj: Well, that seems fair.","Sheldon: Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.","Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.","Sheldon: In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Scene: The apartment. ,"Raj: Sheldon, dinner!","Sheldon: It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: What is this?,Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.,"Sheldon: It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Raj: It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.,"Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?","Sheldon: I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.",Penny: Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread?,"Sheldon: I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.","Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?",Sheldon: Fine. Then I’m going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?","Raj: He’s living at my place, so I’m living here.","Sheldon: Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.,"Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That’s big.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Raj: More wine?,"Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I’ve had way too much already.","Sheldon: No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.,Penny: Hit me.,"Sheldon: Now you’re being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.",Penny: Monkeys.,Sheldon: Yes. All over it.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?,Penny: When a suitcase just won’t do.,"Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can’t talk to me?",Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch. ,"Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?",Leonard: I live here.,"Sheldon: Well, not with that attitude.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.,Leonard: Priya’s going back to India.,Sheldon: 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?,Howard: I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.,Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now let’s get this over with.,0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why?,Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.",0
Series 04 Episode 24 – The Roommate Transmogrification,Leonard: What’s going on?,"Penny: Oh. It’s, it’s not what it looks like.","Sheldon: Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,,Scene: The Cafeteria,"Sheldon: You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Sheldon: It’s not what it looks like. It’s not what it looks like.,Leonard: What are you grinding about?,"Sheldon: I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.","Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.","Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.",Sheldon: What can I say? I put the fun in funeral.,0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.",Leonard: She lied.,"Sheldon: Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Raj: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?","Leonard: No, I’m fine with it.","Sheldon: No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Raj: Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.",Leonard and Howard together: What?,"Sheldon: You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.","Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I’m the dusky half of Koothrapenny.","Sheldon: I can think of many things Spider-Man can’t do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Amy: Where are we going?,Penny: Somewhere where no one’s seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.),"Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?,"Sheldon: It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.","Leonard: I’m not in the mood, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?,0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)",Leonard: I don’t want to talk to Amy.,"Sheldon: Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Dr Hofstadter: Hello, dear.",Leonard: You called my mother?,Sheldon: Is that your son?,0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Raj: It’s getting beautiful again.,Scene: A shed on the paintball range.,Sheldon: Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.,0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.",Howard: I don’t see anything.,"Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Howard: Fine with me.,"Raj: Sure, whatever.","Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Sheldon: You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.,"Leonard: Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games.","Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?","Leonard: Yes, no and no.",Sheldon: To burying the hatchet.,0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.","Howard: Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.","Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.,0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,Howard: Damn those sons of bitches!,Leonard: Let’s get ’em!,"Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory, Captain Sheldon Cooper.","Howard and Raj: Here, here.","Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.",0
Series 05 Episode 01 – The Skank Reflex Analysis,"Leonard: Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.","Penny: Shh! It’s my agent, it’s my agent. You’re kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it! Really? Oh, I’m so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.","Sheldon: Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is laying out wine and napkins in front of his laptop.,Sheldon: You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Leonard: Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.",Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?,"Leonard: Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.","Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?",Leonard: That doesn’t sound like mocking.,"Sheldon: Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?,Leonard: I don’t know. Why?,"Sheldon: He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).,"Leonard: Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so…",Sheldon: No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.","Leonard: Yes, I’ve always admired that about you.","Sheldon: Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.,"Leonard: Oh, good.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.",Leonard: A hobby?,"Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.,"Leonard: You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.","Sheldon: No, I don’t.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.",Leonard: You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?,"Sheldon: Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Don’t you like Amy?,Leonard: Of course I like Amy.,"Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Priya: I miss you.,"Leonard: Oh, I miss you, too.","Sheldon: I think you’re high on paint fumes. And boy, that’s a lot of Band-Aids.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.,"Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple.","Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.",Penny: I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles.,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.,Penny: I want a divorce.,Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.","Penny: It’s great, isn’t it?",Sheldon: You don’t need an Iron Man helmet. You’re not Iron Man.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.",Penny: What name?,Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Chair.,"Penny: Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away.",Sheldon: Get off there.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon (jumps up): Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)",Penny: What is wrong?,"Sheldon: He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: I’ve been sitting in garbage!,"Penny: Sheldon, take it easy.","Sheldon: Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.,Penny: I went into this marriage with so much hope.,Sheldon: Cookie.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Howard: Just his head, right?",Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair.,Sheldon: Go ahead. That’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get. It smells funny in here.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.","Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.","Sheldon: I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Name one time I’ve ever done that.,Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again.,"Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.",Scene: Penny’s apartment door.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but could you be more specific?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: Yello.,"Sheldon: Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.,"Penny: Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.","Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Really?,Penny: Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.,"Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.,"Penny: Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon?","Sheldon: What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.,Penny: Why don’t you just admit you overreacted?,Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon (at Penny’s door): (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: What’s up, buttercup?","Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.,Penny: Nope. (Closes door) ,Sheldon: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: What’s the word, hummingbird?","Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.",Penny: No. (Closes door),"Sheldon: Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.","Penny: What’s the gist, physicist?",Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing a harp.,"Amy: Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes…",Sheldon: That’s my parking spot.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",Amy: Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, 294?",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.","Amy: Denial. Denial, denial. Come in.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?,"Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: No.,Amy: How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat…,"Sheldon: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… Drat. I’m never going to get to forty-three again. One, two, three, four… Rats.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: No.,"Amy: Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up?","Sheldon: You don’t need to know, you don’t deserve to know, and you will never know.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: You’re good friends with Penny, right?","Amy: Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.","Sheldon: Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.,"Amy: For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?",Sheldon: The first forty-three parallel universes I’ve checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different. (Puts his head in the wormhole),0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.,"Amy: Yes, I am.",Sheldon: I thought you left a long time ago.,0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.,"Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate.","Sheldon: Am I? The mind’s a mysterious thing, Leonard. He could be having the time of his life while she thinks she’s a chicken pecking for corn.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, name your price.",Amy: Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before.,"Sheldon: While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?,Amy: Never mind. I’ll talk to Penny.,"Sheldon: Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.",0
Series 05 Episode 02 – The Infestation Hypothesis,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: Will you listen to me play my harp now?,"Sheldon: I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling?,"Penny: Ooh, me.",Sheldon: You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.",Penny: Thank you all for this high honour.,"Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Howard: Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.","Penny: All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you.","Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?",Howard: Neither of them are close.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.","Penny: Okay, I’m not driving him.",Sheldon: You think you don’t care?,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Scene: Raj’s car.,"Bernadette: What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon?","Sheldon: To be honest, I didn’t know you were here.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.",Howard: Which side do you come down on?,"Sheldon: Well, it’s your word against mine; see you in court.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Howard: Why would she move out? It’s her house.,Bernadette: Hang on. You seriously think I’m going to live with your mother?,Sheldon: I just told you.,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Howard: Movie theatre.,Raj: Mmmmmm.,Sheldon: Where are you going?,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon (entering): Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.","Leonard: Rough night, Casey Jones?",Sheldon: I’m quite sure. Good day.,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.,Leonard: What’s in the bag?,"Sheldon: No, thank you.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Leonard: Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?,"Amy: I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time.","Sheldon: Oh, hello.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.,"Amy: Doesn’t matter. You’re out, he’s in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change.",Sheldon: I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen.,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Mrs Wolowitz (off): Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief!",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing with his train set.,"Sheldon: It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Leonard: Ready.,Penny: Aw. So handsome. Like James Bond.,Sheldon: It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Leonard: Amy, this is for you.","Amy: When you’re done copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.","Sheldon: I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Amy: No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better shot than he does.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help us, I’m pleased to introduce a special guest, surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here, Mr. LeVar Burton.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,"Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.",Leonard: Sounds like you had a great night.,"Sheldon: You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: I did. How was yours?,Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.,"Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.",0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?,"Leonard: Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that?",Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.,0
Series 05 Episode 03 – The Pulled Groin Extrapolation,Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?","Howard: I say, hey Ma, what’s for dinner?”",Sheldon: Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Howard: You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?,Leonard: Maybe. We enter the dungeon.,Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: You see a dragon.,"Howard: Really? So we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn’t that a little on the nose?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Howard: Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.",Raj: That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips.,"Sheldon: No, she won’t. I’m great.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.",Raj: I don’t know if I want to play anymore.,Sheldon: I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Leonard: Are we ready to order?,"Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: One moment. I’m conducting an experiment.,Howard: With Dungeons and Dragons dice?,"Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.","Howard: So, what’s for dinner?","Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Howard: Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.","Penny: Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please.",Sheldon: My problem is I’m out of tea.,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.,Leonard: Do you really want that?,Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.,Raj: What’s it thinking about now?,"Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Howard: He’ll text you.,"Raj: Ah, look at that. I have a date. I love America again.","Sheldon: It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.","Sheldon: The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Sheldon: Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.,Howard: Why are you still doing this?,Sheldon: Sold.,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.","Leonard: You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.",Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?,0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,Leonard: Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?,"Penny: Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that.","Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.",Leonard: Could you tell us?,"Sheldon: Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.","Penny: Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.","Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.","Penny: What do you mean, vastly wealthy?","Sheldon: First of all, you’re welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton’s body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I’ll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy… (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She’s hooked.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.","Leonard: Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much.","Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Sheldon: No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.","Penny: Well, so how much is that?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.","Howard: He’s not going to listen, he’s in love.","Sheldon: Wow, Amy’s mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day.",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Raj: Mmm. Oh, cheesecake, you’re just as good as a woman, even though I can’t have sex with you.",Howard: Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.,"Sheldon: Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?",0
Series 05 Episode 04 – The Wiggly Finger Catalyst,"Howard: Thanks for dinner, buddy.","Leonard: Yeah, real big of you.","Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The comic book store.,Leonard: It’s from Game of Thrones. What do you think?,"Sheldon: You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?",Leonard: What did you have in mind?,"Sheldon: Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.",Leonard: It would be a replica of a movie prop.,Sheldon: You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.,"Leonard: Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?",Sheldon: Why’s that?,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?",Leonard: Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there.,Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.","Leonard: Yeah. It’s okay, I guess.",Sheldon: Walked right out the door.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Leonard: Oh, that’s pretty steep.","Stuart: Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.","Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Hang on. Can you do any better?,Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.",Leonard: Slow down. Two hundred.,Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Nope. Maybe another time.,"Stuart: Okay, two twenty five, my final offer.","Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on fire.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Two hundred.,"Stuart: Man, you’re killing me!",Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Killing you? I can’t breathe.,"Stuart: Two ten, and I’m losing money.","Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.,Leonard: See that? I just saved us forty bucks.,Sheldon: I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Wil Wheaton (entering): Hey, Stuart.","Stuart: Ah, hey, Wil.","Sheldon: Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.","Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.",Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?,Wil: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Stuart: Forty bucks.,Wil: Good deal.,"Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Leonard: Thank you.,"Wil: All right, great. Later.","Sheldon: It’s true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.",Leonard: I was actually thinking about going.,"Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first?",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, can you grab me a water?","Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Possibly.,Leonard: Can you or can’t you?,Sheldon: What’s wrong?,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.","Leonard: It never is, is it?","Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I’d like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can’t. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I’m pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.",Leonard: Got it. Can I have my water?,"Sheldon: Oh, I love brain teasers.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.","Penny: Wait, what is going on?","Sheldon: Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Bernadette: Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!","Howard: It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.","Sheldon: Oh, me, too.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.,Howard: Who’s Mohammed Lee?,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Leonard: I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.",All: Cheers.,Sheldon: It’s Stephen Hawking.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: She sounds exactly like you.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Pretty cool about Howard, huh?","Sheldon: ‘Course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.","Leonard: For God’s sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff.","Sheldon: I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Amy: Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?","Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?","Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.","Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.,Amy: A floppy disk?,Sheldon: I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?,"All: Oh! Oh, God!","Sheldon: Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Howard: Little bit.,"Leonard: I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.",Sheldon: You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.",Leonard: Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you.,Sheldon: How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.",Leonard: I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!,Sheldon: No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.","Sheldon: Oh, of course, it only works on the weak-minded.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Raj: Sure.,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.","Leonard: No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.",Sheldon: It sucks to be you.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: Brent Spiner?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: I don’t care.,"Leonard: Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him.","Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.","Leonard: I’m going. Live long and prosper, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Raj: Well, I just met her gynaecologist!",Leonard: What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.","Wil: Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.","Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.,Wil: This is for you.,"Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Wil: I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.",Wil: Look at what I wrote.,Sheldon: How would I know? I’m not listening to you.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.",Wil: It’s my last one. I want you to have it.,"Sheldon: I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?",0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!","Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?",Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.","Brent: Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?",Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.,0
Series 05 Episode 05 – The Russian Rocket Reaction,"Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.",Wil: Don’t worry. It doesn’t take up a whole lot of your time.,Sheldon: Does it affect me?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: So what kind of cruise is this you’re going on?,"Mrs Cooper: It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness.",Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.","Mrs Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam!","Sheldon: Good Lord, what have I done?",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.",Mrs Cooper: Sounds delicious.,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.","Leonard: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook.",Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.,"Mrs Cooper: Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out for a bite, Sheldon.",Sheldon: It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.","Mrs Cooper: I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new.","Sheldon: Although, I could play the completely unrelated and better word extract (pronounced with emphasis on ex). Ethical conundrum avoided. Thanks, brain.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.","Mrs Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he’s fine.","Sheldon: Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Scene: A sushi bar.,All: Irasshaimase!,"Sheldon: Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Stop yelling! I’m not happy about this.,Leonard: What’s the last thing you were ever happy about?,Sheldon: What’s your point?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that, too.","Mrs Cooper: So, Shelly, what’s up with you and your friend Amy, if you don’t mind a mother prying a bit?",Sheldon: It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, that’s a funny turn, isn’t it? You never think about it going the other way. Well, you can’t force things. You need to figure out if you’re in a relationship or if you’re just calling it one. It’s like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that don’t make ’em biscuits.","Sheldon: Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?","Mrs Cooper: It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked and if it was beef. Sheldon, when is your landlord going to fix the elevator?","Sheldon: Hold that thought! Professor Hawking has made a move. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, it’s only a matter of time before we’re coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I’ll be Coop. He’ll be Wheels. If he’s okay with that. (Leaves)",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.,Leonard: Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank.,"Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?","Raj: I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends. Three, sadly, are dead.","Sheldon: And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Mrs Cooper: That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.,Raj: I’m so lonely.,"Sheldon: Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.","Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’?","Sheldon: I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.,"Mrs Cooper: And when they’re drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?","Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.","Raj: I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better.","Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?",Leonard: You want some Oreos?,Sheldon: It was a compromise. I lost.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Double Stuf?,"Leonard: No, regular.",Sheldon: I should’ve picked hickey.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he’s down.,Scene: The laundry room.,Sheldon: What’s a hickey?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.",Mrs Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you’re on vacation is laundry.,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.","Mrs Cooper: Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing.",Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, hello, darlin’.","Penny: Sheldon, you didn’t tell me your mom was coming.","Sheldon: Look at that, the problem solved itself.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)","Penny: Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.","Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Penny: Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?","Mrs Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all. And don’t beat yourself up. When I was your age, you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.",Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Mrs Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.,"Howard: Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.","Mrs Cooper: I don’t know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sightseeing.",Sheldon: Yes! This party just became a major rager.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.",Howard: What do you say?,"Sheldon: A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: Everything? Aren’t you worried about your health?,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly.",Sheldon: What are you smiling at?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.",Mrs Cooper: Apology accepted.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.",Mrs Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.,Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us.",Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I’m not going, and you can’t make me.","Mrs Cooper: You’re right, I can’t. Have a nice day.","Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Well, then you are going to stand there all day.",Leonard: I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there.,Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.,"Mrs Cooper: I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.","Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: Well, I guess we are.",Leonard: Sorry. Syrup.,Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Leonard: I hadn’t…,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes),Amy: Are you getting sick?,Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.","Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority?","Sheldon: Oh, well.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.",Amy: Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology.,"Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.","Amy: Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else.","Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?,"Amy: Actually, some research indicates that by not over-thinking, the less intelligent handle emotions better. (He sneezes again) Sure you’re not coming down with a cold?","Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Howard: No, you only get one wish.",Scene: A park bench. Sheldon is sitting. A stranger sits next to him.,"Sheldon: Oh, ow, blueberry in my nose, blueberry in my nose!",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon (entering, soaked): I need a tissue.This one got wet.",Leonard: Here.,Sheldon: That’s rude.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)","Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, are you sick?","Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed.",Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Okay.,Mrs Cooper: Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby.,"Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.",Mrs Cooper: Of course.,Sheldon: Stop that.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?,Mrs Cooper: You can have whatever you want.,Sheldon: I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m not okay.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Mrs Cooper: Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest.",Sheldon: How could you not find him?,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.",Mrs Cooper: And whose fault was that?,"Sheldon: For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Yours.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship.","Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: No, we don’t. The one we have works great.","Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, you are a grown man.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston.","Sheldon: Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Mrs Cooper: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…","Leonard (at door): Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?",Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.,0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,Sheldon: Get out!,"Mrs Cooper: Well, that was rude.","Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.",0
Series 05 Episode 06 – The Rhinitis Revelation,"Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.","Mrs Cooper: Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…","Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Sheldon: All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.","Ghostly voice: Sheldon, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.",Ghostly voice: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.",Raj: You should’ve seen your face.,Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.","Howard: Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Raj: He’s probably right.,Howard: We can’t beat him. He’s just too smart.,Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Scene: The comic book store.,"Leonard: Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!",Sheldon: Don’t know.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Howard:Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.,Leonard: That was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia.,Sheldon: Ah. So it is. I guess we both share blame on this one.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Stuart: Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.",Scene: Entering the apartment building.,"Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail.,Leonard: How many times are you gonna tell me? What’s with you?,"Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Leonard: More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?,Penny: Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.,Sheldon: There.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.","Leonard: Will you relax? I’ll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work?","Sheldon: Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon (creeps into office carrying a box): Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj’s top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell.","Raj (entering): Good morning, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.",Raj: You have a thing of paper clips right there.,Sheldon: It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?",Raj: I don’t know. Maybe.,Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Be a lamb and check.,Raj: All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here?,Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.,"Raj: Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer?","Sheldon: It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.,Raj: Let’s go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Leonard: Go ask Penny; she’ll know what to do.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is adjusting a device on his arm.,Sheldon: Got it.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.",Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Science. You wouldn’t understand.,"Leonard: Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.)","Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment.,"Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind.",Sheldon: I know.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?,Leonard: No. I’m having a moral crisis.,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.","Leonard: Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India.","Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.","Leonard: Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.","Sheldon: He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.",Leonard: That actually does help.,"Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.,"Leonard: Screw it, I’m going.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?",Leonard: Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now.,"Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Howard: Hey, Sheldon.",Bernadette (off): Who is it?,Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We’re working.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.","Howard: That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette.",Sheldon: The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”” I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Really? That’s very unsettling.,"Bernadette: Hi, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Hi.,Howard: What’s up?,"Sheldon: It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.","Howard: Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then?","Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Howard: Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses),"Bernadette: Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do?","Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.,Bernadette: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!,"Sheldon: It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?","Bernadette: This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart.",Sheldon: Stems removed?,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: We are?,"Bernadette: You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot.",Sheldon: Two cherries?,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, no! I can’t!",Bernadette: Hurry! We’re running out of time!,Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?,0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,Sheldon: Okay.,Bernadette: Just do it!,"Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?",0
Series 05 Episode 07 – The Good Guy Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three!","Howard: Trick or treat, bubbeleh.","Sheldon: Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.","Amy: Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.","Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?","Howard: What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us?",Sheldon: No. I have people for that now. You’re up.,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Penny: Okay, that time you looked at me.",Amy: Who didn’t? Your skin is like alabaster. Do you even have pores?,"Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Welcome aboard.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Penny: Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving.",Amy: Wait for moi.,"Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: You’re leaving?,"Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I’m a lady. And with that comes an oestrogen fuelled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.","Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: Hey, Amy, what brings you to our neck of the woods?",Amy: Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.,"Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Amy: The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.","Howard: Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject?","Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.,"Leonard: This time, it’s your fault.","Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is horseracing on a Kinnect game.,"Leonard: Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up.","Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: What?,"Leonard: Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air.","Sheldon: You said it, not me.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.",Leonard: Did you try calling her on the telephone?,"Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.","Leonard: If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right.","Sheldon: Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.",Leonard: I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat.,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?,Leonard: You do?,"Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.",Leonard: Forget about the bobcat.,"Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: Uh, she’s your friend. Step up.","Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye.","Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Leonard: I’m single, I don’t need this crap.","Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?",Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.,Amy: I wanted to be alone.,"Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.,"Amy: Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me.",Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?",Amy: It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.,"Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.",Amy: Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.,"Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: And that made you feel sad?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.","Amy: It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.","Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind.","Sheldon: Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: Always.,"Amy: At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.",Sheldon: Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.",Amy: Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.,"Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.","Amy: How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.",Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.",Amy: We cuddle. Final offer.,"Sheldon: Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?,Raj: This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here.,Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!,Howard: What?,"Sheldon: Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.",Howard: What do you want us to do about it?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!",Leonard: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She’s not my girlfriend.,"Sheldon: All right then, so we’re all on the same page. Yes.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Bernadette: Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin). ","Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is building his Lego Death Star. Phone rings.","Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.",0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.",Leonard: What’s going on?,Sheldon: Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.,Leonard: Really? Amy?,Sheldon: Please don’t hurt my friend.,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Amy: Hey, Cuddles.",Leonard: Cuddles?,Sheldon: Penny?,0
Series 05 Episode 08 – The Isolation Permutation,"Amy: Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?","Leonard: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?",Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Penny: What is that about?,"Leonard: Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.)","Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone!",Leonard: What the hell is going on?,Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.","Penny: Really? On top of everything else, you’re afraid of birds?",Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Leonard: Movies, yes.","Penny: Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.","Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: That doesn’t help.,"Penny: No, I was talking to the bird.","Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.","Leonard: Sheldon, just ignore him.",Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Scene: The apartment.Sheldon is trying to scare the bird away making cat noises.,Leonard: The bird’s still there?,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?",Leonard: I don’t know. Scree-scree.,"Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.",Leonard: Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed?,"Sheldon: Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.",Leonard: I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Do you think it’s a date?,"Leonard: No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t.",Sheldon: You frightened me.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.,Leonard: Are we overthinking this?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Not at all.,Leonard: You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this.,Sheldon: Never mind. I still can’t tell you.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?",Leonard (returning in a tee shirt and backwards cap): Too casual?,Sheldon: Are you sleeping?,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.",Howard: I’m pushing play.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: A minute.,"Howard: If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.",Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.,Howard: I have a Masters degree from M.I.T.,Sheldon: You do?,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.",Raj: I really don’t get your problem with birds.,"Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.",Raj: Hummingbirds are pretty.,Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.,"Raj: Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth.",Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Raj: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.","Howard: All right, Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.",Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Kevin: That depends. How much time do you spend on Yelp?,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?","Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Bernadette: I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.","Amy: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing.",Sheldon: I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.","Bernadette: Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.","Sheldon: Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!","Bernadette: Oh, he’s a sweetie.","Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.","Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.","Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.,"Bernadette: Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!","Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Leonard: Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the bird on his arm.,"Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.","Bernadette: Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.","Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?",0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.,Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.,Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.","Amy: If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.",Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.","Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon.",Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.,0
Series 05 Episode 09 – The Ornithophobia Diffusion,"Penny: Good night, Leonard.",Leonard: I am such an asthmatic dumbass. I had a weird night.,"Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.","Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.",Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?","Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.",Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let’s go.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward.",Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.","Leonard: Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy.","Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?",Leonard: No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.,"Sheldon: Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.",Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.,"Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.","Leonard: All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.",Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.",Leonard: I am not washed-up.,"Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Penny: Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.",Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?,Speccy Guy Behind Counter (sniggering): Out.,Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Leonard: Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?",Dale: I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl.,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.",Leonard: You okay?,Sheldon: Over and out. (Static noise),0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock.,Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Comanches.,Sheldon: That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise),0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.","Howard: We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous.",Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Howard: Very.,Raj: Incredibly so.,Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise),0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Howard: Very.,Raj: Incredibly so.,"Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.,Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?,"Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Raj: Annie Ogly.,Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.,"Sheldon: Good. Now, I assume we’re splitting the cheque?",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Raj: Yeah, it’s also a wand.","Leonard: With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this?",Sheldon: I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Leonard: You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?,Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.,"Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.,Raj: Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.,Sheldon: Yes. You’re my ride.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?",Raj: You’re so full of it.,Sheldon: You can’t leave. I need you.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.","Leonard: Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?",Sheldon: W-Where are you going?,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.,"Howard: Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.",Sheldon: I just had cobbler.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.,Leonard: That’s all of us. Can I use the laptop?,Sheldon: Your point being?,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Scene: Penny’s apartment door. Sheldon knocks three times.,Penny (off): Who do we love?,Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",Penny (off): Who do we love?,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope that’s a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",Penny (off): Who do we love?,"Sheldon: Yes, it is. There’s a loophole in the Relationship Agreement.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Penny.,"Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in.",Sheldon: I invited him.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Thank you.,Penny: What’s up?,Sheldon: Tell him yourself.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.,"Penny: I’m sorry, what?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.","Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?","Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can’t outsource that to an Indian.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.,"Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.","Sheldon: Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?","Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?","Sheldon: As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I believe I do.,Penny: Mm.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we?",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I’m the guy.,Penny: You’re not the guy.,Sheldon: Attaboy!,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.",Penny: I call everyone sweetie.,"Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: You tramp.,"Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.",Sheldon: Strongly pro.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Amy: No, I’m having a nice time.",Stuart: Don’t patronize me.,"Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.","Stuart: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.,"Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?","Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Amy: I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.","Stuart: Um, again…","Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.",Amy: Anything else?,"Sheldon: I must admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It’s like a cat in an airport carrying case.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.,Amy: I’m listening.,"Sheldon: Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.",Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.,Sheldon: And the Klingon High Council…,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: You’re being impossible.,"Amy: Hi, Stuart.","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it in English, but it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.
",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon (inside): Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.",Amy: How did you get into my apartment?,Sheldon: I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.,Amy: What’s that?,"Sheldon: Well, what if it’s his only way out? I can’t risk it. Here is twelve dollars. Now, we’re even. Wait, wait, wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. And for the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.",Amy: It’s so romantic.,"Sheldon: I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.,"Amy: Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive.","Sheldon: While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Amy: Bernadette, left foot yellow.",Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.",0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!,Sheldon: You didn’t have to do that.,0
Series 05 Episode 10 – The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition,Sheldon: I got a splinter.,Amy: What do you want me to do about it?,Sheldon: What do you see in her?,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Yeah, it’s “Penny already eats our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi.” No spaces.","Penny: Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?","Sheldon: I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: You want to hear something weird?,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: Leonard, where did you envision marrying Penny?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: He asked her during coitus.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.,"Leonard: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.","Sheldon: It does, indeed. Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny given that you recently proposed to her?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Penny: What’s yours?,"Leonard: There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks.",Sheldon: That’s what you said about The Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.",Penny: Basketball Pope.,"Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Penny: What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?,Leonard: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy, has been Tetris and mail-order brides.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?,"Leonard: No, that was a different guy.","Sheldon: Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?","Leonard: No, that was a different, different guy.","Sheldon: 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: I’m in hell, Leonard. Don’t stop.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Penny: All right, well, what do you think he wants?",Leonard: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: Well, no wonder the women are winning.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: It’s two a.m. What are you doing up?,"Sheldon: So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.,Leonard: Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.,Sheldon: I assume we’re talking about you now?,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.",Leonard: Thanks.,"Sheldon: No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?",Leonard: I didn’t have clams.,Sheldon: I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.,"Leonard: It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.","Sheldon: They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?","Leonard: You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I’m gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have sex with my mother, and yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself.”","Sheldon: It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.","Jimmy: Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you’re a big-time scientist now.","Sheldon: Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: The Newcomb medal.,"Jimmy: Yeah, congratulations.","Sheldon: Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.","Jimmy: From what I read, it sounded like a big deal.","Sheldon: No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?","Raj: Hey, I won a Newcomb medal, too.",Sheldon: Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.","Jimmy: Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.",Sheldon: I’m fine.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: I don’t think something like that’s even possible.,"Jimmy: Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known.","Sheldon: Bishop to queen four, level two. Check.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.","Leonard: Sheldon, I got this.","Sheldon: Oh yummy, yummy! We should do this more often. Uh-oh.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.",Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy: I don’t understand.,Leonard: I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.,"Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Raj: That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.,Jimmy: What is that?,Sheldon: You know I don’t drink.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy: What’s this word?,Leonard: Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years.,"Sheldon: Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Jimmy: Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.",Leonard: It wasn’t fun for me.,"Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: Come on, guys.","Raj: That was pretty badass, dude.",Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Here’s your cocoa.,"Sheldon: Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?",Leonard: You got one for good luck. (Knock on door) I’ll get it.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy: I wouldn’t be imposing?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Yes.,"Leonard: Sheldon, we can’t let him drive.","Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.,"Jimmy: Not really, no. It’s funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we’re reversed. You’re the winner.",Sheldon: It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Howard: How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.",Leonard: Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: You know what would be nice?,Raj: What’s that?,Sheldon: Keys! Keys! Keys!,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Amy: I don’t think Mother Teresa… Oh, that is adorable.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Sheldon: Leonard.,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Ah, much better.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.",Leonard: What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off.,Sheldon: Said the hangman offering a noose.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Jimmy (belching): When did I have tacos?,"Leonard: Morning, Jimmy.","Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,Leonard: That’s my French toast.,"Jimmy: It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy.",Sheldon: You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.",Leonard: I might kill him right now.,"Sheldon: Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Jimmy: Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.","Leonard: No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now.",Sheldon: I just threw up the bachelor party.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.",Jimmy: Or what?,"Sheldon: Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.",0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Leonard: I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.",Scene: Running down the stairwell.,Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.,0
Series 05 Episode 11 – The Speckerman Recurrence,"Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.","Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?",Sheldon: Here.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: Little snarky there, cello lessons. And we have this completely ordinary cylinder. If you’d like to examine it?","Raj: Ordinary, yet I sense it is dripping with magical potential.","Sheldon: Jeepers, I’m drunk.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)","Raj: I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.",Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?,Howard: How is this lying?,Sheldon: Doubleazinga! I do! Good luck following that.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.,"Raj: Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?","Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Leonard: Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.",Howard: Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear!,Sheldon: Talk to the hand.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.",Howard: How is that not amusing?,"Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,"Penny: Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy.",Sheldon: Oh. I guess you’re just friends with anybody. (Drinks) Aagh!,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Amy: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.",Penny: That is so hot.,"Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?",Amy: How was your day?,"Sheldon: Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.",Amy: Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron.,Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.","Amy: That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time.","Sheldon: Boo, wine! But yay, trains. I’m in.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field.",Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Penny: So, are we ready to order?",Amy: Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up.,"Sheldon: Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.","Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?","Sheldon: All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.","Penny: Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.","Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.","Penny: Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by.","Sheldon: Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we?",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: What if they simply don’t excite me?,"Penny: Well, just smile and think about koalas.",Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh?","Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.,Leonard: Some people go outside and do that.,"Sheldon: No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.",Leonard: You want to talk about it?,Sheldon: What do you mean wrong?,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.,Leonard: You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.",Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight?,Sheldon: I know.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?,"Leonard: No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women.",Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: I’ll say.,Leonard: That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you.,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.,Leonard: Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change.,"Sheldon: All right, then. Thank you, Howard. Please let Professor Hawking know that I’m available at his earliest convenience.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got?,Leonard: I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something.,"Sheldon: What, why not?",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: How does that work?,"Leonard: Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.",Sheldon: Now will you give my paper to Hawking?,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.",Leonard: Glad I could help.,"Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: Well, yeah.",Scene: A jewellery store.,Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.,"Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.",Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch.","Penny: Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch.",Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.","Penny: Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets?","Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Assistant: Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?","Penny: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.",Sheldon: Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.,"Penny: Fine, go ahead.","Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Penny: Ooh, are these real diamonds?","Assistant: Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight.","Sheldon: Oh, no, you know, I’m not really the holding kind of… Oh!",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.","Assistant: Actually, that’s only 750. Everything’s on sale.",Sheldon: What do you want me to do?,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Howard: Huh, it’ll kill her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?,"Penny: Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.",Sheldon: I knew it.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?,"Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?",Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Amy: Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.","Penny: Sheldon, you’re up.","Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.",0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,"Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.",Amy: We both know that’s your koala face.,Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.,0
Series 05 Episode 12 – The Shiny Trinket Maneouvre,Penny: You look beautiful.,"Amy: Of course I do, I’m a princess, and this is my tiara!","Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Scene: The stairwell.,"Leonard: You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?,"Leonard: Okay, let’s talk about that.","Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.","Leonard: We all do. Now, how about dinner?",Sheldon: That’s close enough.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.",Leonard (seeing Penny’s door open and the girls inside): Excuse me.,"Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Amy: Ooh!,Bernadette: Ooh!,Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Bernadette: Sure, we’d love that. Change your clothes, we got a lot riding on this.",Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game.,Sheldon: This is not my laundry.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Leonard: I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.","Raj: I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?,"Leonard: Oh, boy, do I?",Sheldon: What are you all staring at? Didn’t you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Howard: No.,Sheldon: And you want me to return it for you?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.",Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?,Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.",Leonard: That doesn’t make it true.,"Sheldon: Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Howard: Why?,Raj: Because she’s great in everything.,Sheldon: You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn’t talk, what did you… never mind, stupid question.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: That’s a lot of belt buckles.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Leonard: You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.,Raj: I guess it didn’t go well.,"Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.,Howard (as Leonard groans loudly in his room): How about now?,Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.",Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Leonard: That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.,Scene: The apartment. Leonard is sneaking back in.,Sheldon: What kinds of things?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Leonard?,"Leonard: Yeah, hi, hi. How’s it going?","Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?","Leonard: Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up?","Sheldon: Yes, yes. What did you decide?",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: I was using the bathroom.,"Leonard: Yeah, well, so was I.",Sheldon: I wasn’t talking to you.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you in there.,"Leonard: Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one.","Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Where?,"Leonard: The, the gas station across the street.",Sheldon: Walking away.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: In your pyjamas?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: How do I do that?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Without shoes?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: He will, he’s really smart.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: On a cold winter’s night?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?,"Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did.","Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.,Leonard: I don’t want beef jerky.,"Sheldon: Howard, please, I’m begging you.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.,Leonard: Fine.,Sheldon: Oh!,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.",Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.,Sheldon: Oh!,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space.,Howard: Why?,Sheldon: Oh!,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Bernadette: I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.,"Amy: Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship.",Sheldon: How about dolphins?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon: You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.",Leonard: We are next to a Suburu with a Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker.,"Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Leonard: I’m just making a point.,Penny: Is the point that you don’t know when to let something go?,"Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Penny: Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.","Leonard: Oh, that is not true.",Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Penny: You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.,Leonard: Well…,"Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Sheldon’s voice: Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) ",Leonard: What? Yeah.,Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?,0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,Sheldon: This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?,"Leonard: I don’t know, he was pretty badass on Heroes.","Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?",0
Series 05 Episode 13 – The Recombination Hypothesis,"Penny: Uh, have you thought this through?","Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.",Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a video.,Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.","Amy: Hang on, Dr. C. What’s vexillology?","Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.,Amy: Cool. I think I just learned something.,"Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, and don’t stop working on it.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?,Amy: I’ll say.,"Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.",Amy: Sweet!,"Sheldon: Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?,Amy: I’m surrendering to fun.,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…","Leonard: Excuse me, sorry, excuse me.",Sheldon: Big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?,Leonard: Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here.,"Sheldon: Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!,Amy: You okay?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.","Amy: Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology?","Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?,Amy: It’s Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers.,Sheldon: My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Penny: Okay. Good night, Leonard.","Leonard: Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back.",Sheldon: I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Cut! Take 47.,Scene: Sheldon and Raj’s office.,Sheldon: I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about flags.,Raj: I will take that action.,"Sheldon: Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Raj: Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.","Howard: Oh, yeah.","Sheldon: Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.","Sheldon: Oh, nice job, man-hands.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Leonard: Even Doctor Who?,Penny: Even Doctor Who.,Sheldon: Mmmmm!,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Leonard: Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.",Amy: What’s baffling me is what you could’ve possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it?,"Sheldon: My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Raj: Thank you, darling.","Siri: You are most certainly welcome, sexy.","Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.",Raj: I’m sorry?,Sheldon: Nothing. I said nothing.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.,Raj: I haven’t bonded with it.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want a broken toy. (Switches them back again. Penny and Leonard enter.) Nothing!",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Raj: It’s just a phone.,Barry Kripke: Cooper.,"Sheldon: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energise. (Throws Spock away. Get’s attacked by a Gorn. Wakes up.) Ah. Tiny Spock. Help.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Leonard: So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.","Penny: Good night, you.","Sheldon: You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.",0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,"Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.",Amy: Und ich bin eine pretzel!,Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.,0
Series 05 Episode 14 – The Beta Test Initiation,Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…,Amy: Mit…,"Sheldon: Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Sheldon enters in a hard hat and high-vis jacket. Sounds a klaxon on his phone.,Leonard: Aaargh. What the hell?,"Sheldon: No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.,"Leonard: Oh, no, come on!",Sheldon: You’re the one who told me to play with it.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.",Leonard: I have to get a lock for my door.,"Sheldon: What is it now, tiny Spock?",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.","Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.",Sheldon: Oh dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?",Leonard: Fine.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right? (Wakes up in bed) Goody, goody, goody. This is wrong. This is wrong. I’m so excited, but this is wrong. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I did it. Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like. One to beam down Mr Scott. Aye, aye, Mr Spock. Energise. (Spins toy). Energise. (Tries to spin toy. It sticks. Tries to get Spock out and toy falls apart.) Don’t be broken. Please don’t be broken. (To Spock toy) What did you make me do? Okay, okay, think. (Sees Leonard’s toy) It’s only logical.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.","Leonard: Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.","Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?","Leonard: I don’t know, what am I doing?",Sheldon: To be played with.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!",Leonard: Aah!,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: Uh-huh.,Raj: How’d you do?,Sheldon: But it’s mint in box.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.","Leonard: You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?",Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.,"Leonard: Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist?",Sheldon: Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.",Raj: They put you under for a cleaning?,Sheldon: Spock?,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.","Leonard: Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist.",Sheldon: Is someone there?,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”","Leonard: You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.",Sheldon: They’re mint in box.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody.",Leonard: I don’t care. I’m done.,Sheldon: Oh dear Lord. No!,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?,"Leonard: I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.","Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?",Leonard: Where do I sign?,Sheldon: Not this time. Then they wouldn’t be special. Thanks Penny.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger.,Leonard: There. Done.,Sheldon: Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.",Leonard: I’m gonna go home and take a nap.,"Sheldon: Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn!",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.",Raj: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.,Sheldon: MUON!,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.",Leonard: ‘Sup?,Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.",Amy: I saved you a dumpling.,"Sheldon: Knock, knock.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.","Amy: I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Bernadette: Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?","Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid.","Sheldon: Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?",Raj: Their meatballs are pretty good.,Sheldon: It’s like looking at the universe naked. (Shivers) ,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Raj: Nothing, nothing.",Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.","Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today?","Sheldon: Well you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make your own sundae bars end in happiness.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.",Stuart: Ninth?,"Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?","Stuart: Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.","Sheldon: They had a make your own sundae bar. Ooh, that was a night to remember. Do you know, on the one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?",Stuart: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: And your father? Alive?,Stuart: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive?",Stuart: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, the best things in life are free.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?","Stuart: I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist?","Sheldon: Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.","Stuart: Sheldon, I’m working. I can’t take you to the dentist. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t want to take you to the dentist.","Sheldon: I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Raj: They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.,"Leonard (to Sheldon, entering): ‘Sup?",Sheldon: Armin who?,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: ‘Sup?,"Leonard: Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist?",Sheldon: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.","Leonard: All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.",Sheldon: Hah-hah!,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.,"Raj: Ooh, Sock Mouth’s got him on the ropes.","Sheldon: Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn’t as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn’t make the land speeder go.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: Why is that good?,"Penny: Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.","Sheldon: Oh, good. Hah-hah!",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.,Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?,Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.","Leonard: It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon.",Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.,"Penny: You know, I got some candles in my apartment.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.","Leonard (pulling out a toy lightsabre): You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go.","Sheldon: Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn’t mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal’s candle blow is clean and dry.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.",Penny: I’ve got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.,"Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Leonard: I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.,"Penny: Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now.","Sheldon: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.",Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.,Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.","Leonard: Fine, what is it?",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.,"Leonard: S’mores, huh? Good for you.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.","Leonard: No, thanks. I’m good.",Sheldon: I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: I thought you said candles were dangerous.,"Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.","Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.",Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: What are you proposing?,"Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.","Sheldon: Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: And how would I do that?,Leonard: You say thank you.,"Sheldon: All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: Every time?,Leonard: It’s not crazy.,"Sheldon: Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.",Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that.,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.","Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Can I sit in your spot?,Sheldon: You’re right. I’m smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.,0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Can I control the thermostat?,"Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,Sheldon: No.,Leonard: Do I get a card?,"Sheldon: Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Penny: Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.","Leonard: Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon?","Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.",0
Series 05 Episode 15 – The Friendship Contraction,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.",Penny: Leonard’s Day?,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.",Leonard: Five.,Sheldon: Then no. What else?,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Uh-huh. And an irrational constant.,Howard: E.,Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.,Raj: Gamma.,"Sheldon: Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I said funny.,Raj: Upsilon?,Sheldon: Hello Stuart.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Good one. And an electrical charge.,Leonard: Positive.,"Sheldon: Yeah, please, Amy! It’s got lightsabres!",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)",Howard: I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.",Leonard: It’s not funny. That mistake got published.,Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Seibert: Dr. Cooper?,Leonard: Told ya.,"Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.","Seibert: No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere.",Sheldon: She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.","Seibert: Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation.",Sheldon: Just tell her I can’t come.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I don’t need a vacation.,"Seibert: You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you.",Sheldon: The online game? Bully!,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?","Seibert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.",Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon (appearing in the back seat): Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling!,Leonard: What the hell are you doing?,"Sheldon: Fun time. Hah. Sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Bleeding from my ears.,Leonard: What are you doing hiding back there?,"Sheldon: Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.",Leonard: Lobster traps?,"Sheldon: That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.,Leonard: What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.,"Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)","Leonard: Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there.","Sheldon: Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: And no more singing.,Leonard: Fine.,"Sheldon: Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?","Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.","Howard: How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.","Sheldon: Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Howard: I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.,Raj: Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?,Sheldon: What’s going on?,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Howard: I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.,"Leonard: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.","Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten. I play bongos walking down the stairs. (Sound of falling) Oh! Oh! Never play bongos walking down the stairs.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.",Howard: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.,Sheldon: Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.",Howard: Isn’t that just Feynman’s idea?,"Sheldon: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Leonard: Good luck catching a man with that attitude.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,Sheldon: Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.",Amy: I’m excited to work with my boyfriend. It’s gonna be romantic.,Sheldon: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.",Sheldon: Leonard no sleep while I play bongos. Bongo solo.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!","Amy: Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.",Sheldon: Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?","Amy: No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.",Sheldon: Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.","Amy: Sheldon, you’ve never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.","Sheldon: Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Raj: Mr. Roper’s dead? You can’t just spring that on a guy.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,Sheldon: I don’t know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. I got it. I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.,Amy: Soap spots. Wash ’em again.,Sheldon: You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.,"Amy: Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.","Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Later.,"Amy: All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.","Sheldon: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.,Amy: I’m sure it was.,"Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.,"Amy: Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.","Sheldon: No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: You know what this place needs? A suggestion box.,Later.,"Sheldon: Eh, why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: 366… 367…,Amy: How’s it going?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.",Amy: Great.,"Sheldon: I got to run. But not with scissors, that would be unsafe.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Aw, nuts! One…",Later.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.",Amy: Really? Is that what you think?,Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.","Amy: Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom.","Sheldon: Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.,"Amy: Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right.","Sheldon: Why don’t I let my hair grow out? Um, why don’t I start wearing Birkenstocks and, uh, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking can you dig it?",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.,Amy: Maybe the math was too bubbly for him.,Sheldon: I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.","Amy: Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.","Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.,"Amy: You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, it’s the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.","Amy: Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?","Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?,Amy: No. But your thumb does.,"Sheldon: I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Scene: The bar at the Cheesecake Factory.,Howard: What are you doing here?,Sheldon: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.,Howard: What happened to your thumb?,Sheldon: I’m trying to get the hair out of my eyes.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.",Barman: What can I get you?,Sheldon: Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Howard: Oh, yeah, sure.",Penny: You and Amy? Good?,Sheldon: Nope. (Runs out),0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Howard: I’m not signing a pre-nup.,"Penny: All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.","Sheldon: Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)",Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,"Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",Amy: What do you want?,"Sheldon: No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,"Sheldon: I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.",Amy: Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.,Amy: That’s not an apology.,"Sheldon: When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: That is your opinion.,Amy: I want a real apology.,"Sheldon: He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…,Amy: No.,Sheldon: You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: That my genius…,Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?",0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: That the soap was…,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.,0
Series 05 Episode 16 – The Vacation Solution,Sheldon: Fine. Sorry.,"Amy: You’re forgiven. Now, if you want to stay, get started on those beakers. They’re still dirty from yesterday.","Sheldon: Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.,Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon’s got.,Sheldon: It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Raj: Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.",Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Mm, indeed.",Howard: So sad.,Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Dibs.,"Kripke: What’s up, fewwas?","Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?","Kripke: Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes.",Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.,"Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.","Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.",Leonard: You just called dibs.,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Penny: Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow.",Scene: A bathroom at the university.,"Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?,Siebert: Can’t this wait?,"Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Kripke: Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?,Siebert: Can’t you take this up with your department chairman?,Sheldon: Is it? Listen.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.,"Siebert: Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.","Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.","Kripke: Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.","Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Siebert: Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.","Kripke: Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak.",Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Kripke?,Kripke: Yes?,Sheldon: Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon (knock on door): Oh, that’ll be Kripke.",Leonard: What’s he doing here?,Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.),0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.",Kripke: Cooper.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?,"Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.","Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…,Kripke: We’re not fwiends.,Sheldon: Who’s unsatisfactory in P.E. now?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.","Kripke: How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon?","Sheldon: I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?,Kripke: What the fwig is that?,Sheldon: What do you propose?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,All: Hail.,Kripke: How does it work?,"Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",Kripke: I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that?,"Sheldon: Hey! He did that on purpose,",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",Kripke: Almost got it. One more time.,Sheldon: Five what?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…","Howard: Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you.","Sheldon: Not pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Howard: It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.,"Leonard: H-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a shot are you?","Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Scene: A basketball court.,"Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke.,Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head.,"Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Kripke: Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.","Leonard: No. No, I’m not.","Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Later.,"Leonard: All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.",Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Leonard: Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.","Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper.",Sheldon: You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Howard: Sheldon was higher.,"Leonard: Congratulations, Sheldon. You win office.","Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Amy: I’m just glad I didn’t go for the sculpture.,Scene: Rothman’s office.,Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.","Raj: I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.",Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.",Raj: Thank you.,"Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.),Rothman: Oh. Hello.,Sheldon: You’re in my spot.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely blowing air vent.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Kripke?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.,Howard: Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat?,"Sheldon: Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.",Leonard: Why is there a hole here?,"Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.","Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.",Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Is it? Listen.,"Raj: What, you don’t like wind chimes?",Sheldon: I’m sorry. We just need a word.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.",Howard: The bird?,Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.",Raj: So?,Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?",Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.,"Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,"Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!","Leonard: Sheldon, relax.",Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.,"Leonard: If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?","Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Amy: Sure.,Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall.,Sheldon: Dibs.,0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!,Leonard: What happened?,"Sheldon: Mm, indeed.",0
Series 05 Episode 17 – The Rothman Disintegration,Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.,Leonard: Why would you do that?,Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: A barber’s shop.,Leonard: I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done.,Sheldon: Next year I’m going to Epcot.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.","Barber: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Fine. Sorry.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.,"Barber: I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick.",Sheldon: That the soap was…,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?",Barber: I can cut it for you.,Sheldon: That my genius…,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?,"Leonard: Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber.",Sheldon: I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.",Leonard: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: That is your opinion.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.",Leonard: There’s no such thing as haircut records.,Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Yes, there are.",Leonard: Have you ever seen them?,"Sheldon: I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?",Barber: Your what?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.","Sheldon: Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)",Barber: So my kid said the funniest thing today.,"Sheldon: Oh, better than good.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Ah, seeing as I’m on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don’t let me have too many of those.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?,Leonard: Sure. What are you doing?,"Sheldon: You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: I’m trying to get the hair out of my eyes.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.",Sheldon: I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Howard: You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.","Leonard: So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that?","Sheldon: Oh, dear. (Faints)",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.","Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you.",Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…","Leonard: Sheldon, be nice.","Sheldon: It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is playing her harp.,"Amy: I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, dead or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.",Sheldon: All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.",Amy: What about Supercuts?,"Sheldon: You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.,"Amy: Well, this isn’t a crisis. Why don’t you just let your hair grow out a little?",Sheldon: Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Howard: I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.",Scene: A hospital ward.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Mr. D’Onofrio? It’s Sheldon. They didn’t have anything barber-themed in the gift shop, so I got you this. I don’t know if you can read his little T-shirt. It says, um, get well bear-y soon. Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now, you’d be laughing. Anyway, there’s new studies that show, people in comas are aware of everything going on around them. With that in mind, if you can hear me, move away from the light and toward the sound of these scissors.",Nurse: Can I help you?,"Sheldon: Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?,"Nurse: Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?","Sheldon: This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.",Nurse: I-I see. J-Jus-Just wait here one moment. Security!,"Sheldon: Aw, nuts! One…",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Penny: So did I win or not?,"Leonard: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about.","Sheldon: How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Leonard: Hey.,"Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move.",Sheldon: 366… 367…,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Leonard: I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.","Penny: Uh, sweetie, are you all right?",Sheldon: You know what this place needs? A suggestion box.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.","Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.",Sheldon: I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.","Leonard: Oh, uh, he’s crazy.",Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Leonard: Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.,"Penny: You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen.",Sheldon: Biologists are mean.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.",Leonard: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.,Sheldon: Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.,Leonard: Great. What are you going to do first?,Sheldon: Here you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard wakes to the sound of bongos.,Leonard (going to living room): Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.,Sheldon: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it’s still alive. Let’s do this.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning.","Sheldon: What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.,Leonard: I was sleeping.,"Sheldon: Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.,"Leonard: No, he doesn’t.","Sheldon: Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Leonard: Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos.",Penny: Why did you get bongos?,Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Leonard: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.,"Penny: Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.","Sheldon: Boy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.,"Leonard: Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning.","Sheldon: Ten seconds ago, you never heard of him. Now you’re an expert.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.","Leonard: W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.","Sheldon: Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.,Penny: Where are you going?,"Sheldon: One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Amy: That was kind of uncalled for.,"Leonard: No, it was called for.","Sheldon: It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Sheldon: What’s going on?,"Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.",Sheldon: My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Leonard: I’m sorry, duh, what?","Penny: It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair.","Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?",Amy: There’s not a hair on my body I wouldn’t let this woman trim.,Sheldon: I have GPS on my phone. I know you turned around.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Amy: There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?,Leonard: What’s this about Sheldon seeing you naked?,Sheldon: And no more singing.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny is cutting Sheldon’s hair.,Penny: Almost done.,"Sheldon: Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.","Penny: Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes.",Sheldon: Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.,0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.","Penny: Okay, what do you think?","Sheldon: I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.",0
Series 05 Episode 18 – The Werewolf Transformation,"Sheldon: Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.","Penny: Ha, told you. Okay, I’m just gonna clean up your neck a little and then you are good to go.",Sheldon: Bleeding from my ears.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon",Raj: Woo-hoo!,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!,Leonard: We are going to play the online game.,"Sheldon: But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: The online game? Bully!,"Amy: Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party.",Sheldon: I don’t need a vacation.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Just tell her I can’t come.,Amy: She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up.,"Sheldon: You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.,"Amy: No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none.","Sheldon: Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.",Amy: You use it to get your way.,Sheldon: Stop! I’m going to wet myself!,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Amy: You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.,"Leonard: We’ll miss you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.","Howard: Yeah, but it’s got lightsabres.","Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Credits sequence.,Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Good one. And an electrical charge.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Hello Stuart.,Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?,Sheldon: I said funny.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?","Stuart: Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.",Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Do you supply the the tennis ball?,Stuart: No.,Sheldon: Uh-huh. And an irrational constant.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Then no. What else?,"Stuart: Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I’ve come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad-Libs. Now, give me a number.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.","Stuart: I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got.","Sheldon: Oh, no pressure. Just get him a crummy card, you’re good.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.",Leonard: I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.",Leonard: That’s what your father used to say?,Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Howard: Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.",Raj: I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.","Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Penny: Choo got a problem with that, papi?",Leonard: Uh-uh.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!","Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.","Sheldon: Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.",Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.,"Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.",Penny: Not a chance.,Sheldon: Every time?,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Leonard: Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.","Penny: All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship.",Sheldon: And how would I do that?,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?",Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.,Sheldon: What are you proposing?,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?,Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.,"Sheldon: This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.",Penny: What’s that?,"Sheldon: Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s’more by myself. And then I’m gonna have s’more. By myself.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Scene: Amy’s car.,Amy: Good morning.,"Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Hello.,"Amy: I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth.",Sheldon: I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: All right.,Amy: You sure you’re okay with this?,"Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.,Amy: Thank you. That means a lot to me.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.","Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude?","Sheldon: Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.","Amy: You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don’t mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I’ve already told everybody I’ll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.","Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Leonard: You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.,"Raj: Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.","Sheldon: But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.","Leonard: Well, we’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we’re the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.",Sheldon: And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Raj: What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.","Howard: I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now.","Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?,"Leonard: Uh, it is, but I think you might’ve waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it’s still funny.",Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Scene: The apartment.,Bernadette: Get that guy! Get that guy! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!,"Sheldon: I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Bernadette: Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.","Howard: Fine, I’ll change. (Whip sound) ",Sheldon: Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Raj: Bernadette, remember, your character’s the healer in our group. You’re in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.",Bernadette: I can’t help it. My Howie Wowie has an owie.,"Sheldon: Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Penny: Ooh, burn!","Amy: And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.",Sheldon: ‘Sup?,0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,Amy: Before; now it’s you.,Penny: Oh.,"Sheldon: Can’t help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from.",0
Series 05 Episode 19 – The Weekend Vortex,"Penny: Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…","Amy: Ooh, Science Center. Redeeming. Let’s go.","Sheldon: Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, the best things in life are free.","Penny: Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want.","Sheldon: How about your grandparents, they alive?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Raj: I’ll let you know.,"Howard: Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine.",Sheldon: And your father? Alive?,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.","Leonard: Mmm, you liked Professor Guyster’s wedding.","Sheldon: Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Howard: Come on, who is it?",Raj: I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it.,"Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?","Howard: No, uh, I don’t think so.","Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Dr Koothrappali: And it’s been wonderful.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.,"Leonard: Yeah, I’m glad.",Sheldon: What’s that?,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: Sure, what’s up?","Penny: Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food.","Sheldon: Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.","Leonard: I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up?","Sheldon: You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Prove it.,"Sheldon: Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Knock, knock.",Leonard: Who’s there?,"Sheldon: ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.,Leonard: Interrupting physi…,"Sheldon: Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: MUON!,"Penny: Anyway, I got a little residual cheque from my commercial and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thankyou to pay them back. So, Sheldon, ta-da!","Sheldon: Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Leonard: You went to the comic-book store by yourself?,"Penny: Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.","Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.,"Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?",Sheldon: Right here. Use your finger.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Penny: Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!",Leonard: Awesome!,"Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Penny: Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.",Leonard: Ah!,Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Oh dear Lord. No!,"Penny: Why, they’re just toys?","Sheldon: Well, it has. Ask anybody.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Scene: The apartment.,Voice of Spock: Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper?,"Sheldon: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Is someone there?,"Spock: Down here, on your desk.","Sheldon: Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Spock?,Spock: I need to speak with you.,"Sheldon: Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.,"Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.",Sheldon: You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut.,"Spock: I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy.","Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: But it’s mint in box.,"Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half.",Sheldon: And that’s why we wear hard hats.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.",Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?,"Sheldon: Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: To be played with.,Spock: Therefore? To not play with it would be?,"Sheldon: You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.","Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.","Sheldon: All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Raj: Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.","Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon writhes in bed, then wakes up on an alien planet. ","Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Oh dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.,"Spock: Hello again, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: What is it now, tiny Spock?",Spock: I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself.,"Sheldon: Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: You’re the one who told me to play with it.,"Spock: If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?",Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.","Spock: Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Flags.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.",Spock: Well I am unhappy.,Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.,Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing.,"Sheldon: Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.","Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right. You broke it.",Sheldon: Kripke.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Raj: Do you hear how homophobic you sound?,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is working on his laptop. Spock is looking at him judgementally. He switches the two toys.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want a broken toy. (Switches them back again. Penny and Leonard enter.) Nothing!",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.",Penny: I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box.,"Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.",Penny: What is your problem?,Sheldon: How about constantly talks with food in her mouth?,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.",Penny: Yes.,"Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Who Con, you’re out.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Leonard: It’s broken.,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Careful, it’s that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year’s Who Con.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Oh, nice job, man-hands.","Penny: I didn’t break it. I, I guess Stuart sold it to me like this.","Sheldon: Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Penny: You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.",Leonard: Absolutely.,"Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn’t discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.",Leonard: Why would you open mine?,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about flags.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.,"Leonard: Well, you should talk to Stuart.",Sheldon: Cut! Take 47.,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.,Penny: What is the truth?,"Sheldon: Confound it! You’re right, it’s brilliant. Let’s take it from the top.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Leonard: Okay, that I believe.",Penny: Mmm.,Sheldon: Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.","Leonard: So, is that one mine.","Sheldon: No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.",0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,Sheldon: Yes.,"Leonard: Well, hand it over so I can open it.",Sheldon: And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!,0
Series 05 Episode 20 – The Transporter Malfunction,"Sheldon: Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.","Leonard: And that’s a lie, right?",Sheldon: Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Howard: Hm, it’s no big deal.","Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.","Sheldon: Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?",Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?,Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Leonard: Really?,"Raj: That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math.","Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.","Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.",Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Credits sequence.,Scene: A corridor.,Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.","Howard: I told you, no.","Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: But I said I’m sorry.,"Howard: No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry?","Sheldon: No, can’t do it. Sorry, Quinto, you’re going back.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?,"Howard: Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?","Sheldon: You’re right, I’ll give him a shot.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?",Howard: Jews don’t have heaven.,Sheldon: This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Then to avoid Jewish hell?,Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.,"Sheldon: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again, off-again relationship with her, because I am very, very hungry.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.","Howard: Oh, you can’t be serious.",Sheldon: I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.,Howard: Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?,"Sheldon: People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.",Howard: Get out of my lab.,"Sheldon: Well, I doubt they’d want to talk about that, so we’re fine.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?",Howard: Get out.,"Sheldon: You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Leonard: So, come on, how was the first day with Hawking?",Howard: It was great. We talked about movies.,"Sheldon: We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Oh!,Howard: I showed him some card tricks.,Sheldon: Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Oh!,Howard: He even let me read a couple pages from his new book.,"Sheldon: Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Oh!,"Howard: Something got you down there, bunky?",Sheldon: It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Leonard: Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?","Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.",Sheldon: Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.",Howard: You’re kidding.,"Sheldon: It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.","Howard: You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111.","Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: It’s actually 01100111.,Howard: No!,"Sheldon: Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.","Howard: Let me try gansta, hells no.",Sheldon: Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.",Leonard: What if he doesn’t?,Sheldon: On a cold winter’s night?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: He will, he’s really smart.",Howard: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?,Sheldon: Without shoes?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: How do I do that?,Howard: You walk away.,Sheldon: In your pyjamas?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Howard: Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.","Raj: Well, don’t be too mean.",Sheldon: Where?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.",Raj: I wouldn’t mind a glass.,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you in there.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.,"Howard: Sheldon, come on back.",Sheldon: I was using the bathroom.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Yes, yes. What did you decide?",Howard: I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking.,"Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.","Howard: But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me.",Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: What kinds of things?,Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labours of Hercules?,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. It’s right here in my hand.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Howard: You should be so lucky.,Scene: Howard’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?,"Howard: Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles.",Sheldon: We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.",Howard: That’s nice.,"Sheldon: And now that I have some wood, I’m going to begin the erection of my settlement.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: That’s a lot of belt buckles.,"Howard: Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back.","Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,(Later),"Howard: Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny?","Sheldon: It’s called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.",Howard: Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.,"Sheldon: It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?,"Howard: Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay. Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time, but I was wrong and really wrong.","Sheldon: All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Howard: No, no, no, mon petit cherie.",Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon enters in the French maid costume.,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Scene: The laundry room.,Penny: Hey.,Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?,"Sheldon: Mm. I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood? (Raj and Howard snigger) I don’t understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now, I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: This is not my laundry.,"Penny: Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her.","Sheldon: Oh, no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Those are Howard’s.,Penny: Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties?,"Sheldon: Permission granted, Commander.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.","Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.","Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: That’s close enough.,"Penny: I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?","Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?",Penny: Well…,Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…","Penny: I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.","Sheldon: You’re right, the tiara was too much.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.","Penny: Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.",Sheldon: I told you.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.,"Penny: See, there it is, there’s that twinkle.","Sheldon: Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.","Penny: What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.,"Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.",Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Scene: A shop changing rooms.,Mrs Wolowitz (off): Sheldon! I need your help!,Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?","Mrs Wolowitz (off): It’s this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!",Sheldon: Really. Talk to me about that pocket watch.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon (off): Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.","Mrs Wolowitz (off): You’re right, who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Would you hold me?","Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Raj: Wow, that’s amazing.","Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.","Sheldon: (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.",Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?,Howard: I don’t know.,"Sheldon: Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.","Howard: All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.","Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Okay.,Howard: Give me a compliment.,"Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.,"Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do.",Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewellery store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: You’re obviously good at what you do.,"Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?","Sheldon: It’s appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I’ll be glad to return the favour.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Leonard: It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.,"Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: Now will you give my paper to Hawking?,"Howard: Sorry, I can’t.",Sheldon: How does that work?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: What, why not?",Howard: I gave it to him three days ago. He was really impressed. He wants to meet you.,Sheldon: Nuts to that. What else you got?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Leonard: Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom),Scene: Stephen Hawking’s office.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it’s an honour and a privilege to meet you, sir.",Hawking: I know.,Sheldon: I’ll say.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.,Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.,Sheldon: Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: I know.,Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.,"Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.",Hawking: That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong.,Sheldon: No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.,0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,Sheldon: What do you mean wrong?,Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.,"Sheldon: It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.",0
Series 05 Episode 21 – The Hawking Excitation,"Sheldon: No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.",Hawking: Are you saying I do?,Sheldon: Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.,0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,,Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon laughs to himself.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I’ll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.","Raj: Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.","Sheldon: She’d see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it’s this.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: Wrong. Leonard?,"Leonard: Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.",Sheldon: What if they simply don’t excite me?,0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.","Leonard: Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.","Sheldon: Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.",Leonard: Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.,"Sheldon: Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Leonard: No, he didn’t.","Raj: Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.","Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.","Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.","Sheldon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: Well, it’s probably not for me.",Raj: Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.,"Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Scene: A restaurant.,"Leonard: Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.","Sheldon: Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.,Leonard: Are you drinking whisky?,"Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Leonard: Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.","Wil: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.","Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.","Wil: Oh, I’m friends with Howard too.","Sheldon: And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory?",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Raj: May I have your attention, please? We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.",All: Hear! Hear!,Sheldon: It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out),0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend.",Wil: Sheldon…,"Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: Talk to the hand.,Raj: Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?,"Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!",Leonard: Sheldon…,Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.,0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Raj: I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.",Howard: She was my second cousin.,Sheldon: This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?,0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Raj: Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.","Wil (filming on his phone): Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,"Howard: It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you.","Leonard: Actually, you did do one of them together.","Sheldon: I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: Here.,Howard: What is this?,"Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully.",0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Sheldon: You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.,"Howard: No, but what is it?",Sheldon: Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience.,0
Series 05 Episode 22 – The Stag Convergence,Howard: I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.,Raj: All right. More Sailor Moon for me.,"Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Assistant: Okay.,Leonard: Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear?,"Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.","Leonard: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?","Sheldon: I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?,"Leonard: No, it should be: why are you?","Sheldon: Oh, there it is, tacos.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?",Assistant: Why don’t you slip this on?,Sheldon: You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Raj: Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.","Howard: Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.","Sheldon: In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Ah, much better.",Leonard: You must be burning up.,Sheldon: Leonard.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Assistant: Uh, where’s he going?",Leonard: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.,"Sheldon: As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who’ve tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he’s asleep we kill him. I said it would be nice, I didn’t say we should do it.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Leonard: What about (inhales gas, in low voice) Cookies!",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: You know what would be nice?,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?","Amy: Seven o’clock, right on time.",Sheldon: You’d think a winner could make a decent cup of cocoa.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.,"Amy: Well, dinner’s almost ready.",Sheldon: Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.","Amy: Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?,"Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well.",Sheldon: One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?","Amy: I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.","Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.",Amy: I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.,Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.","Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.","Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.","Amy: We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?",Sheldon: I help the weak. It’s yet another way I’m exactly like Batman.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: You’re being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.",Amy: Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat.,Sheldon: You really need to work on your penmanship.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.",Amy: May I offer you something to drink?,Sheldon: This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: You know I don’t drink.,Amy: Not even strawberry Quik?,Sheldon: A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.","Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.","Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!,Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.,"Sheldon: You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Howard: We can only hope… that he doesn’t.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are playing three dimensional chess.,"Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Bishop to queen four, level two. Check.","Leonard: Sheldon, knight takes bishop. You all right?","Sheldon: Technically, Howard’s the gear head. Leonard’s just a dime store laser jockey.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Leonard: Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me?",Sheldon: My point.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?,Leonard: We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there?,"Sheldon: Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.","Leonard: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny.","Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.","Leonard: I guess we are. So, what’s going on?",Sheldon: And there’s the first zinger. Ouch.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.","Leonard: I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you.","Sheldon: Oh, now Perlmutter’s shaking the King’s hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.",Leonard: Shame on her.,"Sheldon: Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.",Leonard: She’s good.,Sheldon: I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.,"Leonard: You mean, like in bed or in the shower?","Sheldon: So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?","Leonard: Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer.","Sheldon: Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Sheldon: I assume we’re talking about you now?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.,0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,"Sheldon: So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?",Leonard: Pretty much.,"Sheldon: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.",0
Series 05 Episode 23 – The Launch Acceleration,Leonard: What are you doing?,Amy: We’re playing doctor. Star Trek style.,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, what channel is NASA TV?",Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.","Amy: I love his eidetic memory, it’s so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?","Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Bernadette: Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.",Raj: You’re nervous? I’ve been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I’m wearing my fat pants.,Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Bernadette: That wasn’t going to be our processional music.,"Amy: Well, it was going to be mine.",Sheldon: And that’s how it’s done.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.","Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, it’ll be fun.","Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Raj: From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.","Amy: Look at all these people in love. It kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?",Sheldon: Oh. I thought it was a game.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Penny: It wasn’t a real proposal.,Bernadette: Why wasn’t it a real proposal?,Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Penny: Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…",Bernadette: There’s got to be some place special we could do it.,"Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Penny: Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.","Bernadette: Great, well, who’s it going to be?",Sheldon: I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.",Bernadette: No.,"Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Howard: Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsman present.","Raj: Oh, thanks, man.",Sheldon: I got a splinter.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Howard: Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.","Leonard: Oh, wow.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.",Howard: What?,Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.","Howard: Yeah, so?",Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.",Leonard: I doubt he’ll ask you to kill a man.,"Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,Penny: Problem?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Amy: Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.","Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.","Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.
",Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon.,"Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?",0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Howard: Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.","All: By the power vested in us, by the state of California…",Sheldon: You’re being impossible.,0
Series 05 Episode 24 – The Countdown Reflection,"Penny: I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.",Leonard: This is it.,"Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Leonard: Mm-hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.","Raj: Right now, Howard’s staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.",Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Leonard: Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.",Raj: Peering through his telescope at the birth of the cosmos.,"Sheldon: Stuart, please. You’re being rude.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Amy: Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.",Scene: The university cafeteria.,"Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Leonard, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?","Leonard: Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought…",Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.",Leonard: I know what the anthropic principle is.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?",Leonard: Where do you stand on it? ,"Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Raj: Hey, guys.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: You tramp.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?",Raj: I’m all for it.,"Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Attaboy!,"Leonard: Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t?",Sheldon: I’m the guy.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Leonard: Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny. ","Raj: Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?",Sheldon: I believe I do.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.","Raj: Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.","Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Raj: Really? I can come? Thanks.,"Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?",Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Scene: A restaurant.,"Amy: Sheldon, this place is so romantic. ","Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out.","Amy: Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you.",Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Raj: Yoo-hoo! Over here!,Amy: I don’t understand. What’s he doing here?,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: I invited him.,"Amy: On our date? Sheldon, that’s not okay.",Sheldon: Penny.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Amy: Thank you.,"Raj: My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn’t this romantic?","Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Scene: The restaurant.,Amy: Have I ever told you you’re like a sexy praying mantis? ,"Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.,Amy: You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Your point being?,Amy: Dessert is served.,Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: I just had cobbler.,Amy: You know what? I’m done with this.,Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: W-Where are you going?,Amy: I’m leaving.,Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: You can’t leave. I need you.,Amy: You do?,"Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: Yes. You’re my ride.,"Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.",Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.,0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,"Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.","Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.","Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything.",0
Series 06 Episode 01 – The Date Night Variable,Sheldon: I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.,Amy: I’ll take it.,"Sheldon: And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush.","Howard: Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.","Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.",Leonard: Go ahead.,"Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s just play.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)","Howard: Yes, I read you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static noise),Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.,"Howard: You’re out of your mind,Sheldon.","Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Mike: You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.,Howard: Bye.,"Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Stuart (knocking and entering): Hello.,"Raj: Hey, Stuart, come on in.","Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,"Stuart: Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys.",Sheldon: Who are you?,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you are not in charge.",Sheldon: Where’s Stuart?,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.,Raj: What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.","Leonard: It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz.","Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?,Stuart: I can take them or leave them.,"Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.",Stuart: Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets?,"Sheldon: I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.",Stuart: Okay. Should we go?,"Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.",Stuart: All right.,"Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?,Stuart: I went to art school.,"Sheldon: Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let’s go.,Scene: The cinema.,"Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.,"Amy: Well, I like it.",Sheldon: Mine was great. I’m going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.),0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.",Amy: Just watch the movie.,"Sheldon: How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.,Amy: There might be a reason for that.,"Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.,Amy: Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.,"Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.,Amy: So?,"Sheldon: My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?",Amy: It’s complicated.,"Sheldon: It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?",Amy: She’s not sure how she feels.,"Sheldon: I did it! I actually did it. Okay, now flush him.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.","Amy: Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.",Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?","Amy: Yes, please, Penny will kill me.","Sheldon: Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.",Stuart: Raisinet?,"Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is making a sucking noise with his teeth.,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon (measures): Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.",Leonard: I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow.,"Sheldon: You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.",Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I’m a grown man from Texas. This isn’t a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It’s just a blue jay. (Opens window) That’s a pretty big blue jay. (Closes window. Goes to cabinet. Comes out wearing a Boba Fett helmet and a broom) One, two, three. (Opens window) Go! Shoo! Am-scray, ird-bay! (Bird flies in window) Bird in the apartment! Bird in the apartment! (Sees the bird sitting in his place) No!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,Leonard: Why?,"Sheldon: It’s not a death ray. It’s just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn’t move.)",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.,Leonard: I wish there were more.,"Sheldon: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.,Leonard: What is it?,Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?,Leonard: Where exactly did your mother have you tested?,"Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.","Leonard: Okay, I think I understand.","Sheldon: Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: You do?,"Leonard: The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.",Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.,Scene: Leonard’s room.,Sheldon: A minute.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Are you sleeping?,Leonard: I was. Now I’m having a nightmare. What do you want?,"Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Never mind. I still can’t tell you.,"Scene: Penny’s bedroom. Sheldon is standing over Penny’s bed, knocking on the wall.",Sheldon: Not at all.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)","Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon?",Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: You frightened me.,Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?,Sheldon: Do you think it’s a date?,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.","Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?","Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?","Penny: What do you want, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.",Penny: Talk about what?,"Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.",Penny: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.,"Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.","Penny: Okay, what did Amy tell you?",Sheldon: That doesn’t help.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.","Penny: Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?","Sheldon: It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?,Penny: Of course not.,"Sheldon: There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.,Penny: Worst bedtime story ever.,"Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.","Penny: Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?","Sheldon: I’m begging both of you, please, let’s go.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?,Penny: Get out.,"Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: What?,"Sheldon: Leonard, be glad you can’t keep a woman. They are a handful.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Please don’t hurt my friend.,Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.,Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Penny: What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps),"Amy: Hang on, please. Hello?","Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with ahoy? Ahoy. I like it. Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I’m sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right. We’re on our way.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.",Amy: I know. She’s yelling at me right now.,"Sheldon: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Raj: Focused Locust.,Stuart: Temple of Yip.,"Sheldon: You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.,"Stuart: All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.","Sheldon: Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Stuart: Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.","Raj: In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee.",Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!,0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.,Leonard: Why would I be interested? I have Penny.,"Sheldon: Very well. Oh, boy. (They cuddle, awkwardly.)",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Leonard: You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.,"Stuart: No, please don’t ruin this for me.","Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Sheldon: Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?,"Leonard: Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.","Sheldon: Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,"Sheldon: But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.",Leonard: What’s your point?,"Sheldon: Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.",0
Series 06 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation,Leonard: This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?,"Stuart: I like Mark Ruffalo, too.",Sheldon: Always.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Scene: The apartment. Penny enters, carrying a box.","Penny: Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.","Sheldon: When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.",Penny: M-hmm.,"Sheldon: I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?","Leonard: Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.",Sheldon: And that made you feel sad?,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.","Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?","Sheldon: If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.","Penny: Really, your potty training journal?","Sheldon: Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.,"Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?",Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: No, no, no, no.",Penny: Sorry!,Sheldon: You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?,"Penny: Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.",Sheldon: Where are you going?,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.","Penny: Yeah, that’s basically what I said.",Sheldon: How can I? You won’t stop talking about it.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Leonard: I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.,Penny: You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?,"Sheldon: Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.","Leonard: So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?",Sheldon: Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.",Leonard: Not gonna happen.,"Sheldon: Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: If you want help, just hire a grad student.",Penny: Maybe I could do it.,"Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.","Penny: A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?","Sheldon: Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?","Ms Jenson: No, thanks. I’m fine.","Sheldon: I have 100 alphabetized topics from artichoke, come on, people, it’s just a giant thistle, to zzz, the onamona-poetry of sleep.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.",Ms Jenson: I don’t do drugs.,Sheldon: Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.","Ms Jenson: No, of course not. How did you know about that?",Sheldon: She popped by to borrow a cup of mad cow disease.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.","Ms Jenson: Yes, I did.","Sheldon: Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.","Ms Jenson: Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.",Sheldon: You’re leaving?,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.",Ms Jenson: It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.,"Sheldon: Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Ms Jenson: Hello.,"Leonard: Sheldon, aren’t you going to introduce us?",Sheldon: I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.",Alex: It’s nice to meet you. I’m so excited to be working with Dr…,"Sheldon: Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Raj: Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?","Sheldon: What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself).",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Alex: Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.",Leonard: This should be fun.,"Sheldon: Oh, God! One, two, three!",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?",Alex: Yes.,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?,"Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.","Sheldon: Oh, no! I can’t!",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: Two cherries?,"Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.",Sheldon: We are?,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Leonard: Oh!,"Alex: I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Leonard: Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?",Alex: Um…,Sheldon: It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?",Leonard: Given her what?,"Sheldon: Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun!",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.",0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,"Sheldon (arriving with Alex): Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.",Leonard: What do you got?,Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.,"Leonard: Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.",Sheldon: Really? That’s very unsettling.,0
Series 06 Episode 03 – The Higgs Boson Observation,Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.,Alex: She seems nice.,"Sheldon: It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Leonard: It’ll be good to have him back.,Raj: The Fantastic Four reunited.,"Sheldon: Great. Tropicana, no pulp.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.",Raj: We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.,Sheldon: Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.","Leonard: I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.","Sheldon: On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.",Stuart: I can go thirty.,Sheldon: It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.","Raj: Okay, the NASA Web site says Howard’s final descent has begun.","Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Howard: Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.","Amy: Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.","Sheldon: Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.",Penny: You’re unbelievable.,Sheldon: Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Leonard: All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?",Penny: How about boys versus girls?,Sheldon: I thought you were leaving the apartment.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.","Penny: Once again, unbelievable.",Sheldon: Science. You wouldn’t understand.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.","Penny: All right, round one. Here.","Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I’ve realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Uh, gift? Uh, Present!",Penny: Present! Yeah!,"Sheldon: I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You’re better than this.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?",Leonard: In what universe is that a present?,Sheldon: Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Penny: Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them.",Later,Sheldon: It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Be a lamb and check.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.,Leonard: Nothing with quarks.,"Sheldon: well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Amy: Yes.,Leonard: How could you miss that?,"Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.",Leonard: Penny got it.,Sheldon: Open the mail!,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?","Penny: Relax, we got time, this is so fun.","Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Amy: Now?,Penny: Soon.,Sheldon: Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?",Penny: Yep!,Sheldon: Be sure to check the mail.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.","Penny: Excuse me, the word is polish. See? Small P.","Sheldon: Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you’ve poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you’ve forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I’m Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?",Sheldon: Droll.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Don’t know.,"Penny: I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.",Sheldon: Gentlemen. (Turns and sees Leonard. Screams and faints).,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.,"Leonard: Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.","Sheldon: Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask)",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.,"Penny: All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything.","Sheldon: Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.,"Penny: Oh, come on, what is that?","Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?",Leonard: En el acelerador de particulares.,"Sheldon: Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.","Penny: No, no, we’re not playing some dumb made-up game.","Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o’clock.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Amy: Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?,"Leonard: No good, Sheldon doesn’t float.","Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.","Amy: All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts?","Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.",Penny: Why not?,Sheldon: Get out!,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.,"Leonard: Yeah, that’s when it started.",Sheldon: Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty?,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Penny: Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…",Amy: We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.,"Sheldon: Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo.","Sheldon: No, we don’t. The one we have works great.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.",Leonard: I’m trying. Don’t yell at me.,Sheldon: Yours.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Oh, there he is, I got him.","Penny: Yes, we win again.","Sheldon: I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Long division, long division. Go, go, go.","Leonard: Remember, show your work.","Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.You’re the best.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Amy: Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.",Penny: Mwah!,Sheldon: Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Stop that.,Penny: Mwah!,"Sheldon: And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Penny: All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.","Amy: On the count of three. One, two…",Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?","Leonard: Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.","Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)",0
Series 06 Episode 04 – The Re-Entry Minimization,"Howard: Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.",All: Not now!,"Sheldon: Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist. The kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. You, the common man, tired from your labours as a stockbroker, or vacuum cleaner salesman, or bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we’re just two peas in a pod. A regular pea, and the kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. Rain. Another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike. (The stranger puts up an umbrella) Smarty-pants.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Howard: It’s my official NASA portrait.,"Stuart: To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”","Sheldon: Oh, yes, the common cold. Just like everyone else. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Howard: But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.",Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?,Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?,0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?","Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.","Sheldon: Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?",Howard: Not really.,"Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Penny: Yeah, you’re really just making it worse.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?,Amy: I think I’m gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.,Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on the nursery wall with the contents of my diaper. (Sneezes),0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.,"Amy: So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.","Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand)",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.,Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.,"Sheldon: We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.",Amy: Yeah?,Sheldon: I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.,0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.,"Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.","Sheldon: Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.","Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?","Sheldon: I’m not going, and you can’t make me.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.,Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas.,Sheldon: But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.,0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?,Raj: It’s funny because bread sounds like dead.,"Sheldon: Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?","Leonard: Hello, boys.","Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Raj: So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.","Sheldon: What do I say? I say you people need to stop ruining my mom’s visit with your sushi, and your sadness and your slutty shirts. Stop it.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Raj: Do you have a preference?,Howard: I don’t care. Get the Tardis.,Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?,0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Raj: Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.","Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?","Sheldon: I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Now that will not be in this week’s e-mail blast.,0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.,Raj: It’s called being nice.,"Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.","Howard: You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.","Sheldon: It was in my weekly e-mail blast. Right between beet season is finally here, and uh-oh, red stool from beets leads to cancer scare.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Leonard: Hello, boys.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: It is nice, isn’t it?",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?,Amy: You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.,"Sheldon: Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.","Amy: No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.","Sheldon: I’m glad we’re finally getting to do something together, just the two of us.",0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Stuart: Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.","Amy: Sheldon, get in here.",Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he’s down.,0
Series 06 Episode 05 – The Holographic Excitation,"Stuart: Hey, hey, look at you guys!","Amy: I’m Raggedy Ann, and he’s Raggedy C-3PO.",Sheldon: Double Stuf?,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Leonard: Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs.","Raj: You’re welcome, ladies.","Sheldon: I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)",Raj: Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch.,Sheldon: Coffee.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?","Howard: That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.”",Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…",Raj: I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.","Leonard: That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you.","Sheldon: Mom, you remember Rajesh? Rajesh, my mother.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.","Howard: Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him.",Sheldon: Get them before they get us.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.","Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t think this actually means…",Sheldon: I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Amy: I can, but she’s sitting right there.",Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,"Sheldon: And that reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’tmake your mother fry it.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yes. I play the word quiver with a triple letter and a double word score for 72 points. That ought to let the air out of your tyres, Hawking.","Amy: Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.","Sheldon: Well, there’s actually big news on the Amy front. She’s been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals. She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.,"Amy: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.",Sheldon: The prospect of fried chicken.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: What’s your point?,Amy: It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.,Sheldon: Stop yelling! I’m not happy about this.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.","Amy: Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points.",Sheldon: Told you.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.",Amy: Sorry.,Sheldon: There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Howard: Tell him he sounds like that.,"Raj: Sheldon, you okay?",Sheldon: Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me?,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?,Raj: The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him.,Sheldon: Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.,"Howard: There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.","Sheldon: Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Really?,"Howard: One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.","Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Leonard: Please be good. Please be good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. She writes like she cooks.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.,Leonard: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.,Leonard: I did a bad thing.,"Sheldon: Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Does it affect me?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.,"Leonard: Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway.","Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.,"Leonard: I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad.","Sheldon: Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?",Leonard: Is it possible we’re having two different conversations?,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: How would I know? I’m not listening to you.,"Leonard: Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.",Sheldon: An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.","Leonard: He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it?",Sheldon: What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.","Leonard: Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school…","Sheldon: Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.","Leonard: Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her?","Sheldon: Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.",Leonard: No. You need to give me some advice.,"Sheldon: I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?","Leonard: No, specific to my situation.",Sheldon: I don’t care.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?",Leonard: Empathetic.,Sheldon: Brent Spiner?,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It sucks to be you.,Leonard: I quit.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Scene: The cafeteria.,Howard: You ever hear back from Hawking?,Sheldon: Not yet.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain.,Raj: It’ll be okay.,"Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.,"Raj: Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him.","Sheldon: Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.,"Howard: So, now all you have to do is let him win.","Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.",Howard: What are you waiting for? Hit send.,"Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.,Raj: So don’t do it.,Sheldon: You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.",Howard: So do it.,"Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.",Raj: Then don’t do it.,"Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.",Howard: Good for you.,"Sheldon: Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Leonard: I don’t know what to say.,"Penny: Hmm, how about, gee, Penny, you’re smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I’m the one who learned a lesson. I’m so stupid, Penny. Duh.","Sheldon: Simultaneously, a festival of cloying clichés. You sicken me.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Amy: I know. It’s finally working.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon’s phone rings.,Sheldon: That was a lovely toast. Kudos.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,Sheldon: It’s Stephen Hawking.,Leonard: Well answer it. I want to hear.,"Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.","Stephen Hawking: Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.",Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.,0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Oh, me, too.","Stephen Hawking: Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha.","Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…",0
Series 06 Episode 06 – The Extract Obliteration,"Sheldon: Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.",Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?,"Sheldon: Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m happy to be here.",Amy: Cut.,"Sheldon: It’s not that simple, Leonard.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Wil: Wooden?,"Amy: Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.",Sheldon: Possibly.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton.","Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here.","Sheldon: And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Amy: It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.","Wil: Um, no offence, but I’ve been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.","Sheldon: I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Wil: And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?","Amy: Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action.",Sheldon: Sucker. Didn’t even ask for the friends and family discount.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Amy: Cut.,"Wil: Problem, first-time director?",Sheldon: I’m not surprised.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.",Amy: He was overacting on purpose.,Sheldon: It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Wil: Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.",Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that?,"Sheldon: Hello, Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?",Amy: Can I speak to you for a second?,"Sheldon: I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.,"Amy: I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.","Sheldon: Oh, now, we can’t let him lose money, Leonard. I’m so sorry.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.",Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go.,Sheldon: Killing you? I can’t breathe.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?,Amy: You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?,"Sheldon: Take it, take it.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, look who’s out after dark, like a big boy.",Sheldon: What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.,Leonard: I thought you had plans with Amy.,"Sheldon: Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.",Leonard: Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument?,"Sheldon: Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle.",Leonard: Then Amy got mad and left?,Sheldon: Okay? It’s magnificent.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Walked right out the door.,Leonard: And you?,"Sheldon: Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.,"Leonard: Buddy, I think Amy might be upset.","Sheldon: Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Why’s that?,"Leonard: Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.",Sheldon: Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.,"Leonard: Trust me, call her.","Sheldon: Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.",Amy (on skype): What?,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.","Amy: I’m mad at you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Hurry, hurry, hurry.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.","Amy: I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything.","Sheldon: Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Leonard: Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That’s it. End of story. Good night.","Sheldon: Can’t figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… (rolls dice) stay right here.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Howard: That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy.",Amy: What?,"Sheldon: No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.",Amy: Star Trek DVDs? Why would I want this?,"Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar.,Penny: Hey. What brings you in?,"Sheldon: Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.",Penny: I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?,"Sheldon: Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.","Penny: And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking?","Sheldon: Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.",Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.,Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?,Penny: It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times.,"Sheldon: Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Sold.,"Penny: Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?",Sheldon: Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.","Penny: Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle.","Sheldon: And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about!",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.","Penny: Honey, you can’t make people like each other.",Sheldon: Hamburgers and lemonade.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.",Penny: You might want to pace yourself.,Sheldon: That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.,"Penny: Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.",Sheldon: Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: My problem is I’m out of tea.,"Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.",Sheldon: A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.",Penny: Sorry.,"Sheldon: Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.","Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.",Sheldon: One moment. I’m conducting an experiment.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.","Penny: Yeah, that she is. Here you go.","Sheldon: Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.,"Penny: No, she won’t.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother’s heart!,Scene: Wil Wheaton’s house.,"Sheldon: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that?","Wil: Hey, Sheldon, what’s up?",Sheldon: You see a dragon.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,Wil: Have you been drinking?,"Sheldon: Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.,Wil: Why are you here?,"Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?,"Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.",Sheldon: Not for you!,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.","Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight?",Sheldon: To send a message. She is not for you.,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.,"Wil: Okay, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.",Wil: Are you okay?,Sheldon: I did. How was yours?,0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"Sheldon: You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Leonard. Check it out. I bought an N-gauge locomotive. Half the size of H-O. Look, it fits in my mouth.",0
Series 06 Episode 07 – The Habitation Configuration,"LeVar: Hey, Sheldon, it’s a pleasure to be here. Well, we’ve got some interesting flags for…","Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.",Sheldon: All aboard! Woo-woo! It’s official. I’m an H-O trainiac.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon is drawing on a napkin.,Raj: What are you drawing over there?,"Sheldon: Better than James Bond, because he’s tinier.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Howard: Oh, you silly doodlebug.","Leonard: You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.","Sheldon: All this years, I’ve been so wrong. The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)",Howard: Do you expect me to build this?,"Sheldon: Ha-ha, you have to go to a wedding.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Scene: The corridor outside Sheldon’s office.,"Howard: Two forty-four, Right on schedule. Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.",Howard: Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us?,"Sheldon: I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s not a spine,I’ll tell you that.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: No, thank you.","Raj: Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place.",Sheldon: You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: I’m quite sure. Good day.,"Howard: Well, where are you going?","Sheldon: Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don’t care what you people do.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: Where are you going?,Raj: We just told you.,"Sheldon: Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that’s exactly what he thinks.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: I just told you.,"Howard: No, you didn’t.","Sheldon: I’ll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I’m going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it’s O-gauge or no gauge.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: To be honest, I didn’t know you were here.","Leonard: It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care.","Sheldon: No, Penny, don’t give up, you can get this.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: You think you don’t care?,Leonard: This is silly. I have nothing to worry about.,"Sheldon: Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.",Leonard: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.","Leonard: Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things.","Sheldon: I’ve seen pictures of your mother, keep eating.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.",Leonard: I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity.,"Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon: You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.,Leonard: I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here.,"Sheldon: No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t do that!",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.","Leonard: None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Sheldon: While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.",Leonard: Now you’re just being ridiculous.,"Sheldon: All right, name your price.",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Cole (off): See you.,Leonard: I’ll be right back.,Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Sheldon (on screen): This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.,Howard: Wormhole generator test? (On screen a wormhole appears),Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Raj: Sheldon, we’re really sorry.","Howard: Yeah, really sorry.",Sheldon: I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.,0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,Howard: But what are you doing in there?,Raj: And what does forty-three mean?,"Sheldon: You’re good friends with Penny, right?",0
Series 06 Episode 08 – The 43 Peculiarity,"Raj: Yeah, well, I know how to make your egg salad now.","Scene: The room in the basement. Sheldon enters, takes out a box, takes a beanbag from the box, then starts playing keepie-uppie,",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Raj: That’s called a fashion choice.,"Leonard: All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.",Leonard: Good boy. Here’s a cookie.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Raj: Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?,"Howard: Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294.","Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, 294?",Howard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: That’s my parking spot.,Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive.,"Sheldon: Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.,Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.","Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space.","Sheldon: For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.","Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.,Howard: Are you listening to yourself?,Sheldon: You have to get rid of the chair.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.",Howard: Nope.,"Sheldon: No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Very well. You leave me no choice.,Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is trying to push Howard’s car out of the spot.,Sheldon: All right. It is a comfortable chair.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon (on phone): President Siebert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don’t use the parking spot, but that’s not the point. I… Yes, I’m aware you told me not to call you at home, but you didn’t answer the door. And I know you were there, because I saw you through the mail slot. Yeah, well, that’s some salty language. May I remind you that you’re the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club. There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, well, I’m sorry for your loss. Good night, sir. Unbelievable. He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he’s a high-profile asset to the university.","Leonard: Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.",Sheldon: It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?","Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal.",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.",Leonard: All that story does is make me feel bad for your mother.,Sheldon: You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Howard: Give it back.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, but could you be more specific?",Howard: My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.,"Sheldon: I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?","Howard: Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.",Sheldon: Name one time I’ve ever done that.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.",Howard: Fine. I’m taking your diploma.,"Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Raj: Okay, here’s another one: If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a zompire?",Leonard: Sheldon?,Sheldon: There’s a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment).,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Cookie.,Leonard: I don’t have any.,Sheldon: You take it easy! I need to use your shower.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)",Howard: Hi Sheldon.,Sheldon: I’ve been sitting in garbage!,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?",Howard: He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Get off there.,Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.,Sheldon: Chair.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.,Howard: You don’t need a parking space. You don’t have a car.,"Sheldon: It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon is spraypainting out Howard’s name and replacing it with his own.,Amy: This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.,"Sheldon: Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.,Amy: Freaking pigs.,Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.","Amy: Wait, I’m leaving my car here?","Sheldon: If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.","Amy: Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.",Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: All right, colour me intrigued.",Amy: What do you think?,Sheldon: I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Bernadette: ‘Cause I did it!,Scene: The parking spot. Sheldon has set up his office in it.,"Sheldon: Well, there’s the difference. (Skype tone rings)",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Morning, Professor Stevens. Don’t look at that whiteboard. That’s my math, not your math. Keep walking, nosey.",Howard: What the hell are you doing?,Sheldon: Don’t you like Amy?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it.","Howard: Okay, you need to move now.","Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: No, I don’t.",Howard: You can’t stay there forever.,Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)","Howard: Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon,","Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?","Howard: I’m warning you, Sheldon!",Sheldon: As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.",Howard: Get out of my spot.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.,Leonard: What are you idiots doing?,Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Leonard: You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.,Howard: It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now.,Sheldon: You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Leonard: What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.,"Howard: Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.) ","Sheldon: All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Hey, sweet ride.",Howard: What are you doing in there?,Sheldon: It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Just breaking in your new car.,Howard: Stop that. You stop that.,Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Raj: Hey, got a minute?",Sheldon: What about Nebraska?,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Raj: Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.","Howard: I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street.","Sheldon: Excuse me. It’s Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It’s kind of a big deal.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.",Howard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.","Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say.","Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets)",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Raj: Just say it.,"Howard: You’re the bigger man, Sheldon.",Sheldon: No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: The cheesecake factory.,"Howard: I’d like to propose a toast, to burying the hatchet.","Sheldon: Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Scene: A dry cleaners.,Shopkeeper: Can I help you?,"Sheldon: This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.",Shopkeeper: A what?,Sheldon: You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.,0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?",Shopkeeper: Lipid what?,"Sheldon: Give it a second to load. Whenever you’re ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they’re out of sunblock, which means they’ll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That’s our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won’t know what hit them. All right, let’s move out.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,"Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.",Shopkeeper: Tuesday okay?,"Sheldon: All right, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.,Shopkeeper: Let me write you a ticket.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?",0
Series 06 Episode 09 – The Parking Spot Escalation,Sheldon: Is that your son?,Shopkeeper: Uh-huh.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not Amy.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spider-Man theme song?,"Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song.","Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.",Howard and Raj (together): Turtle power!,"Sheldon: Subtlety isn’t her strong suit, is it?",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.","Howard: Yeah, so?","Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Leonard: Fun. We know how much you love that.,Howard: It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, if I may interject, I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.","Howard: Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law.","Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I’m going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don’t see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can’t be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.","Howard: Great, thank you.","Sheldon: Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.","Raj: What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight?",Sheldon: Oh. Well don’t I look silly sitting here wearing this?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.",Leonard: That should lighten the mood.,"Sheldon: No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Credits sequence.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh, right, funeral. (Knock, knock, knock) (solemnly) Amy.","Amy: Hello, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?",Amy: I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral.,Sheldon: It’s not what it looks like. It’s not what it looks like.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.","Amy: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me?",Sheldon: What does it look like?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.","Amy: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.",Sheldon: Talk to him.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.","Amy: Never mind. Good night, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.","Amy: Thank you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Howard: Had no idea you were the chatty one.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: 102.2. Exactly what it was half an hour ago. It’s like you’re not even trying to get better.,"Amy: Sheldon, you don’t get over the flu in half an hour.",Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, not with that attitude.","Amy: I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking.","Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?",Amy: Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.,Sheldon: What are you doing here?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.","Amy: Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.","Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.","Amy: You, you want to rub something on my chest?",Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Yes. All over it.,Amy: Maybe we should start with that.,"Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon (reading): And the control group displayed significantly fewer genetic abnormalities. But, because of flaws in the experimental design relating to environment and diet, they lived inconclusively ever after. The end.",Amy: That was great. Rub my chest again. (Knock at door) ,Sheldon: Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)",Bernadette: How’s the poor thing?,"Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that’s the headline.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.","Bernadette: Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts.",Sheldon: You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?",Amy: I don’t have a bath thermometer.,Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Amy is dancing to “Walking on Sunshine”. Hears door and turns off stereo.,"Amy: Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath.","Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.",Amy: Oh?,"Sheldon: Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.","Amy: All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me.",Sheldon: Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.",Amy: I feel terrible I did this.,Sheldon: What is this?,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.",Amy: I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest?,"Sheldon: Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.",Amy: I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.,"Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.",Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?,"Sheldon: As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn’t go that far.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Are you prepared to receive your punishment?,Amy: One second. I want to put on some music.,"Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Why?,Amy: I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me.,"Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.",0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,"Sheldon: Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.","Amy: Oh, my.",Sheldon: I never kid about safety.,0
Series 06 Episode 10 – The Fish Guts Displacement,Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.,Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.,"Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Oh, great! I’ve always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.","Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.",Amy: Why not?,"Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.",Amy: By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?,"Sheldon: No, I can’t authorize that.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.",Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas.,Stuart: What’s wrong with Christmas?,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?",Howard:Pirate with a peg leg?,Sheldon: There’s someone at my door.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you.",Leonard: Would you just look inside?,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.","Leonard: It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.",Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?,"Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?",Sheldon: Rotating.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Leonard: Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.","Raj: But, a cannon? Am I really out of the game?",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.","Penny (entering): Hey, guys. I don’t mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you’d like to see what you’re missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette’s wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there’s Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I’m assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.",Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Leonard: Great. What do you do?,"Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go “blublublublublublublublu”","Sheldon: I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Leonard: Walls are getting closer.,"Stuart: Oh, boy, happy place, happy place.",Sheldon: It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Howard: What are we supposed to do?,"Leonard: Seven, six.",Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Leonard: Three, two.",Stuart: Somebody sing the damn song.,"Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even",Leonard: The walls are getting slower.,"Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Howard: That was amazing, Sheldon.",Stuart: How did you know that?,"Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.","Leonard: Okay, continuing our quest.","Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is still singing.,Sheldon: It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum.",Howard: Done?,"Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: I think the word you’re looking for is bravo.,"Leonard: Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen.","Sheldon: Zandor, Wizard of the North. Ha! I win.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?,Leonard: I don’t know. What’s the difference?,Sheldon: Must you?,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.",Leonard: Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water.,Sheldon: Mountain Elf.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?,"Leonard: You see those, too.","Sheldon: No, I haven’t. It’s all good.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Howard: Good story.,Leonard: What are you drinking there? A little eggnog?,"Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take. Hold the door!",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem?","Leonard: No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy.","Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit.","Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Stuart: What was so bad about them?,"Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded.","Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.,Leonard: It wasn’t amazing. I got a C-minus four years in a row.,"Sheldon: I’ll sit over there, it looks cleaner.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Raj: Now that I know she doesn’t like me, I’m kind of into her.",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing numbers on a whiteboard.,Sheldon: Disagree.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Leonard: The drawbridge is lowering.,Stuart: My carpal tunnel’s acting up.,"Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Howard: Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.",Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him.,Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.","Howard: Wait, what are you doing?","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?","Leonard: Uh, okay.",Sheldon: I would think he would know that.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.","Leonard: This is weird, right?","Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.","Scene: The apartment, late at night. ",Sheldon: I can’t.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Santa?,"Santa: Oh, hello, Sheldon. You should be asleep.","Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots.","Santa: Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them.","Sheldon: Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: I understand.,Santa: But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.",0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope it’s a train.","Santa: Oh, it’s better than a train.",Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: Two trains?,Santa: Better.,Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?,0
Series 06 Episode 11 – The Santa Simulation,Sheldon: I’m getting three trains.,"Santa: Okay, open ’em. (It’s a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!",Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was sceptical.",Leonard: I can’t blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.",Leonard: What recordings?,Sheldon: Where’s the mouthwash?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Alex: Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.",Leonard (jumping and knocking over the Jenga): What?,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord!",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Leonard: To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.",Raj: I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again.,Sheldon: Last one.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Leonard: I didn’t steal anyone.,Raj: Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.,Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.",Leonard: I’m androgynous?,Sheldon: Fire demon.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Raj: I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. Uh, in the past, I’ve reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group, which as you can see from your commemorative T-shirts I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies.",Penny: What is happening?,Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.",Bernadette: Who’s involved?,"Sheldon: To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gang way! Dead man walking!",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.",Penny: You’re talking about Leonard.,"Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.","Amy: It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it?",Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.,"Penny: Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex?","Sheldon: Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?",Penny: Fine. Ricardo and Tondelaya.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Bernadette: I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.,"Amy: She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.","Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.","Penny: We know what’s going on, Sheldon!",Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, what should I do?","Bernadette: Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Penny: What? He’s loving it?,"Bernadette: Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away.",Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?","Alex: I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?",Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?",Alex: Is there a problem?,Sheldon: They were out of scones.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.,Alex: What did I do?,"Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.",Alex: What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody.,Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.",Alex: What?,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.,Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.",Alex: I have to go.,Sheldon: I’m glad you think so. That’s what I strive to emulate.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Penny: Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!",Leonard: I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex?,"Sheldon: Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.",Leonard: Why would you do that?,Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.",Leonard: At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.,Sheldon: I like cows.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.","Leonard: Oh, my God, what did you do?",Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.",Scene: The Human Resources Department.,Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department. (Knock, knock, knock) Human Resources Department.",HR Woman: Come in.,"Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Hello.,"HR Woman: Ah, Dr. Cooper, have a seat.","Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Thank you.,HR Woman: I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.,Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.","HR Woman: Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace.","Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: Like what?,"HR Woman: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it.",Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.",HR Woman: I’m a what?,Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…","HR Woman: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.","Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.",HR Woman (writing): Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?,"Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Janine: Did it have six breasts?,"Howard: I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.",Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, hello.",Leonard: What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.",Janine: And I’m a little busy right now.,Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.,Janine: And who was that?,"Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.","Janine: That’s it. All of you, in my office now!",Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: You know I’m right.,0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.","Alex: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.","Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.",0
Series 06 Episode 12 – The Egg Salad Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.",Alex: Okay.,"Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is steaming a Star Trek uniform.,"Leonard: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?",Sheldon: And…,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Penny: Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.","Leonard: Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.",Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Penny: Is that better?,"Leonard: Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.","Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.","Penny: Well, then why are you going?","Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Penny: That is an amazing idea. Okay, how many of these have I had?",Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: I think you should turn on the GPS.,Leonard: It is on.,"Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Leonard: I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.","GPS (in Sheldon’s voice): Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210.",Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.",Leonard: What did you do?,"Sheldon: You’re preaching to the choir, sister.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,GPS: Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.,Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Howard: Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.","Raj: You know, we’re not that far from Vazquez Rocks.","Sheldon: All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Raj: Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.,"Leonard: Yeah, that sounds fun.","Sheldon: Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame?",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.","GPS: Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.","Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Scene: Vasquez Rocks. Sheldon, dressed as Data, is having his makeup put on by Raj, dressed as Worf.","Raj: And we’re blending, and we’re blending, and we’re done.","Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Leonard: I’ll set the timer.,"Howard: Sheldon, how is that a fight pose?",Sheldon: Two.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Leonard: What? Hey, hey! Come back here!",Raj: Stop!,Sheldon: Three.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Howard: Oh, so is mine.","Leonard: Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas?","Sheldon: It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Scene: The side of the road.,Leonard: What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?,Sheldon: Eight.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?,Leonard: I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault.,Sheldon: Nine.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Howard: Car.,Raj: What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop?,Sheldon: I never bluff. Ten.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?,"Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people.","Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Howard: Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?,"Leonard: Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.",Sheldon: 20 seconds.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Leonard: Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen.",Raj: Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.,"Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.","Leonard: Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood.","Sheldon: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…",Guys in Passing Car (throwing a drink over Sheldon): Nerds!,"Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Amy: Okay, if you’re going to start comparing wands and hammers, I can’t even take you seriously.",Scene: A diner.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Leonard: Can I use your phone? Our car got stolen.,Waitress: Why don’t you ask Scotty to beam you up?,Sheldon: Fascinating.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Howard: I’m with Leonard. I’m done.,"Raj: Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide?",Sheldon: Are you suggesting I play dirty?,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Actually, it’s three against one.",Raj: What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.,"Sheldon: Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Penny: Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Penny (off): How could Red Hulk be worthy?,Bernadette (off): You don’t know his life.,"Sheldon: I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,Sheldon: There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.,"Raj: If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.","Sheldon: No, of course not.",0
Series 06 Episode 13 – The Bakersfield Expedition,"Sheldon: Captain, what are your orders?",Leonard: I say we investigate.,"Sheldon: Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The Apartment.,"Leonard: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold.",Sheldon: Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Leonard: Yeah, so, I’m out.","Raj: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?",Sheldon: is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: What’s he doing here?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!",Kripke: Cooper?,Sheldon: You own a smoking monkey?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.,Kripke: What’s that?,Sheldon: Thank you. Is someone smoking?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?",Kripke: I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.,Sheldon: It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.","Kripke: No, they’re making us work together.","Sheldon: If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Leonard: Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?,"Penny (entering apartment): You doing okay, sweetie?",Sheldon: And there’s your answer.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.",Leonard: Want me to make you some tea?,Sheldon: What’s 16 times 14?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.,"Leonard: So, cocoa?",Sheldon: What happened to you?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?","Leonard: Oh, teacher! Me! Me!","Sheldon: Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Penny: What beverage do you make for that?,"Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?",Sheldon: I saved a nun’s life. Why am I being punished?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Kripke: What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.","Sheldon: No, you most certainly are not.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.",Kripke: We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours.,"Sheldon: Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.,Kripke: You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.,Sheldon: I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?,Kripke: How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine?,"Sheldon: No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.","Kripke: Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?",Sheldon: I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Fine.,Kripke: Nice twy. This is bwank paper.,Sheldon: Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.,"Kripke: Cough it up, Cooper.","Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Very well.,"Kripke: If this one’s bwank, too, I’m going to be fuwious.",Sheldon: I don’t know how to process that.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy:The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?","Sheldon: It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Amy: All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?","Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Yes.,"Amy: Sheldon, what’s going on?",Sheldon: Shotgun.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.","Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?","Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: What do we have to lose?,Amy: How’s that?,Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’re going to be late.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.,Leonard: You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke.,"Sheldon: Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: No, look.",Leonard: 128.,Sheldon: Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: See?,"Leonard: What did you do, put this in your tea?","Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.","Leonard: Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.","Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.","Sheldon: Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Kripke: Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.",Sheldon: What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.",Kripke: Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is.,Sheldon: This isn’t over.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: We do?,Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.,Sheldon: But…,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: So?,"Kripke: So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.",Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.,Kripke: You wucky bastard.,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.","Kripke: Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.","Sheldon: Do so, do so.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?","Sheldon: Um, it’s fairly technical.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Leonard: I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.","Penny: Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question?","Sheldon: Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Of course.,Penny: You ever going to sleep with Amy?,"Sheldon: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, you are officially charged with two violations of the roommate agreement. Do you waive reading of the charges?",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Leonard: We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.,"Penny: Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal?",Sheldon: Move. Move. Move!,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Penny: All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?","Leonard: All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.",Penny: Then what’s the problem?,"Sheldon: Come on, you can’t wait two minutes?",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.,Penny: Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?,"Sheldon: According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: It’s a possibility.,"Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.",Sheldon: What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards.",Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.",Kripke: Whatever. You get any wast night?,Sheldon: I assure you I do.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Yes.,"Kripke: Gave it to her good, huh?","Sheldon: Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,"Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…","Kripke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie?",Sheldon: I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I didn’t notice.,Kripke: How could you not notice?,Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.,0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.,"Kripke: Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper!","Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now.",0
Series 06 Episode 14 – The Cooper/Kripke Inversion,Sheldon: Can we get back to work?,"Kripke: Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys?","Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Scene: The apartment,Leonard: I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.,Sheldon: Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.",Leonard: Why would you say that?,"Sheldon: I wish you hadn’t done that. That’s going to make me a chick magnet, and I’m so busy as it is.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.",Leonard: That was a huge spoiler.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. What pun?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Good.,"Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.","Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?",Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?,Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.","Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.",Sheldon: Pun intended?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.","Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.","Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you is giving me a great deal of satisfaction.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.","Leonard: That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this.",Sheldon: This is moving faster than we thought.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.",Leonard: Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement.,Sheldon: Did you get that?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You pick that up right now.,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.",Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.,"Sheldon: Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Where are you going?,"Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard.",Sheldon: Yes. Why do you ask?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Crazy bastard?,Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yes, I believe so.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll make one.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Hey.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.,Amy: Children’s toy.,"Sheldon: Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.,Amy: Children’s toy.,Sheldon: And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.","Amy: So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward?",Sheldon: It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?",Amy: No.,Sheldon: Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.",Amy: Like a dog-boy.,"Sheldon: I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Exactly.,Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?,"Sheldon: I’m familiar with everything, but go on.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.",Amy: Great. Here I am!,"Sheldon: I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?,Amy: Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate?,Sheldon: Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,"Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?","Sheldon: If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn’t a fantastic idea.,Sheldon: Have you learned anything?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,Amy: See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Um…,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m back to trains. Woo-woo.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.",Leonard: What do you want?,Sheldon: Why are you smiling?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.",Leonard: Is that so?,Sheldon: Now I’m thinking about Jell-O.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.","Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon.","Sheldon: That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?",Penny: It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment.,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about Dr. Greene’s efforts to make science palatable for the masses.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Leonard: Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.","Penny: Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.","Sheldon: Mm, it’s hard to say. I can only speculate based on the data I collected watching my parents’ marriage implode. In that case, the woman dives into religion, while the man dives into a bottle-blonde bartender who tries to buy my love with action figures. Oop! Out of arrows.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.","Penny: That is the worst, isn’t it?","Sheldon: All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.","Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment?","Sheldon: Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Raj: They’re on the chair, right over… Oy vey.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.",Penny: What did I do?,Sheldon: She was attempting to engage me in gossip.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.","Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me.","Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.,"Penny: No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.",Sheldon: Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.,"Penny: Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.",Sheldon: With what?,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?","Penny: Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional.","Sheldon: I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.,"Penny: Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.",Sheldon: Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.,"Sheldon: Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?",Amy: Yes.,Sheldon: You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?,"Amy: Yes. I did good, right?","Sheldon: I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?",Amy: No.,"Sheldon: Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?","Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.","Sheldon: Forgive my language, but poppycock.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.,Amy: And this is Amy.,"Sheldon: Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Together: Leave a message.,Amy: Beep.,Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You can’t live here.,Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.,Sheldon: Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.,"Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.",Sheldon: Hysterical.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: You did.,"Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.","Sheldon: We did it! I said, we.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.,Amy: What?,Sheldon: Todd Zarnecki was mean.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Leonard (off): What?,"Penny: Sheldon, what did you say?",Sheldon: No. We failed in our noble quest.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Leonard: Since when don’t you want to live with me?,"Penny: Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.","Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.","Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?",Sheldon: It’d be swell if they had a train.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.,Amy: You’re a coward.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.,Penny: Um…,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?,Leonard: ‘Kay.,"Sheldon: You know, the joke’s on him. Without the certificate of authenticity, that bat’leth is worthless.",0
Series 06 Episode 15 – The Spoiler Alert Segmentation,Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well, he’s even more cunning than we thought.",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Penny: You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Careful. That’s a collectible.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.","Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?",Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Stuart: That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.","Alex: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.",Sheldon: Good point. Basket of puppies.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.",Alex: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.,Sheldon: Your doom!,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Howard: Yes, please.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Can I at least kick down the door?,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Okay. Amy will be here shortly, expecting the perfect Valentine’s gift, so, you’re up kid. Dazzle me. Go.","Alex: Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.","Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.","Alex: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.",Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?","Alex: No, I just thought it would be…",Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Next.,"Alex: Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales.",Sheldon: Coming.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Mmm.,Alex: So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.,Sheldon: I always prefer the train.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.,Alex: I don’t know how to respond to that.,Sheldon: We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.","Alex: Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.",Sheldon: This says Beyonce Bootylicious Dance Mix.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.",Alex: Thank you.,"Sheldon: I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: I think I’ll keep it for myself.,Alex: What about your girlfriend?,"Sheldon: Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: That’s uncanny.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Happy Valentine’s Day.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I thought this delay was so you could watch Wheel of Fortune with your mother.",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Okay. Shall we go to dinner?,"Amy: Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.","Sheldon: One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.","Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.",Sheldon: Fine. Leonard?,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: What is that?,"Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.",Sheldon: Sure.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Really?,"Amy: Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it?","Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: More than anything.,"Amy: Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do.","Sheldon: Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.","Amy: I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.","Sheldon: I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.",Amy: What’s this?,Sheldon: Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: Read it.,"Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?",Sheldon: Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,Sheldon: At the bottom.,"Amy: In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.",Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.,0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?",Amy: And you picked me.,"Sheldon: I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!",0
Series 06 Episode 16 – The Tangible Affection Proof,"Sheldon: It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.","Amy: Oh, Sheldon.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: And people think I don’t get sarcasm.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week, in honour of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by The Man. Now, Fun with Flags is not just for the flag aficionado, it’s also for the flag novice, so, to help me with that, please welcome my friend, neighbour, and flag virgin, yeah, not a real virgin. She’s had coitus many times. Sometimes within earshot of this flag enthusiast. Once while he was trying to watch The Incredibles. Penny.",Penny: Hello.,"Sheldon: I don’t care! I’m losin’ it, man!",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.","Penny: Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in.","Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.","Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute?",Sheldon: I thought I just did.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: What’s wrong?,"Penny: I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class.",Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.,"Penny: Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in.","Sheldon: That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?,Penny: Let’s try open.,"Sheldon: No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?","Penny: Um, well, I’m from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?",Sheldon: Can we trust him?,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?,"Amy: Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow.","Sheldon: Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as if it was a huge waste of time.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.","Amy: Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny?",Sheldon: See if Raj is done with Pilates.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.,"Amy: Subtle, but powerful.","Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: I know. I’m still learning to control it.,Amy: Did you tell Penny how helpful she was?,"Sheldon: What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Why would I do that?,"Amy: Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it.",Sheldon: It’s all gone. All gone.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: Oh, hi. What’s up?","Sheldon: You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Um…,Penny: You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?,"Sheldon: That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.","Penny: Okay. So, what do you need?",Sheldon: Doctor Cooper.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",Penny: Really?,Sheldon: Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.","Penny: Aw, sweetie, you just made my day.","Sheldon: Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list.",Sheldon: They took my battle ostrich.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy (on webcam): That’s right. They’re no good without the lighter.,"Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny.",Amy: Why? What happened?,"Sheldon: What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.","Amy: Sheldon, that’s very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play.","Sheldon: They stole everything, Leonard, everything.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Amy: That better be Tootsie Rolls you’re throwing at me!,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh yeah, much better.",Penny: What?,Sheldon: I hate you.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.","Penny: Hey, I don’t want you to go any more.","Sheldon: Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Why not?,"Penny: You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?",Penny: Okay. Do whatever you want.,Sheldon: Figure out the magic trick yet?,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?","Penny: Oh, for God’s sake, just come to the play.","Sheldon: Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.",Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: You know, I haven’t seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps, this time, we go Latin.",Howard: He’s just decided he’s never leaving his apartment again.,Sheldon: That does it. I’m getting uranium.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I’ve been itching to pull that trigger.",Howard: He’s upset because he can’t get anywhere with women.,"Sheldon: I said, ta-da. Show’s over.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Amy: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.",Leonard: I’m sorry. That I asked.,"Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.","Leonard: Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets.",Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: Why?,Leonard: You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy.,Sheldon: All right. Pick a card.,0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,"Leonard: Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.","Amy: Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Actor: To be lonely?,"Leonard: She’s pretty good, huh?","Sheldon: Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Sheldon: She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?,"Penny (as Blanche): …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.","Sheldon: And is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.",0
Series 06 Episode 17 – The Monster Isolation,Leonard: She really is.,Amy: Our Penny’s a star.,"Sheldon: Relax, we’re not under attack right now.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: Look, I know you guys don’t want to do this, but we have no choice. So, you can either bitch and whine or we can just get it over with.",Howard: I got whine.,Sheldon: Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.","Howard: Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.","Sheldon: I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.",Leonard: Helping women? Y,Sheldon: I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick.,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.,"Leonard: Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?","Sheldon: Pick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.,Leonard: You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science.,Sheldon: I’ll be right back.,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?","Howard: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.",Sheldon: Drat. Is this your card?,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.","Leonard: Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this.",Sheldon: (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.,"Leonard: Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.","Sheldon: As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Howard: Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.","Leonard: Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch.","Sheldon: I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.,"Howard: So, you think I’m one of the smarter kids?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game","Sheldon: Oh, oh, please, if I don’t know, you don’t know. That’s axiomatic.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.,Howard: Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins.,Sheldon: Um…,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science.",Sheldon: So you’re saying this is a regulation deck?,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Sheldon: All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.,Leonard: That’s actually good. Why didn’t I think of that?,Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion.,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Howard: Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.","Leonard: That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there.",Sheldon: Not knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.",Howard: What exactly are you looking up?,"Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Leonard: It’s nice of your old school to let us try out our science talk on some female students.,"Howard: Well, they’re actually pretty excited. I’m their most famous alum. If you don’t count the serial killer who ate all those prostitutes.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.",0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Kid: What?,Howard: Nothing.,Sheldon: It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Scene: A classroom.,"Leonard: Okay, who’s ready for some science? Me, too. Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I am here with my friends Dr. Cooper and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz, and we are going to show you girls how cool a job in science can be. How cool, you ask? Well, how about negative 273 degrees, ’cause that’s the temperature at which entropy reaches its minimum value. Did I just learn something new and have fun doing it? What? All right. So now let’s bring out theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Sheldon: Fine. Give me a second.,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Leonard: I never wanted to play the cello. How do you meet girls playing the cello? Hey, you want to come over to my house and listen to me play an instrument that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?","Howard: Quick, pull the fire alarm. Let’s get out of here.",Sheldon: It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,"Sheldon: Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?",Amy (voice): We’re here.,Sheldon: Is it any wonder he doesn’t have a doctorate?,0
Series 06 Episode 18 – The Contractual Obligation Implementation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.","Sheldon: Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel prize acceptance speech.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Penny: Ooh, it smells good.","Bernadette: Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.",Sheldon: She’s also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn’t have.","Bernadette: Oh, it’s my pleasure.","Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Leonard: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.,"Bernadette: Sheldon, I’ve been cooking all day.","Sheldon: Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Bernadette: That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought.,"Raj: Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.","Sheldon: Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?",Howard: Colour’s fine.,Sheldon: Are there beans in it?,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Penny: Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?","Amy: Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Scene: The closet.,"Leonard: Sheldon, come on. It’s getting late. Time to go.",Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes.",Leonard: That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do?,"Howard: You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.","Leonard: Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye.",Sheldon: I’m unhappy.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?",Howard: Juggle.,"Sheldon: All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.,"Bernadette: Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.","Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…","Howard: Whoa, you opened this?","Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Bernadette: Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?","Howard: If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here.","Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?",Howard: Do whatever you want.,"Sheldon: Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Penny: Okay.,Scene: The laundry room.,Sheldon: The water level rose.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building’s belly button.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?",Amy: You have something we want.,"Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.","Penny: No, we just want information.",Sheldon: Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.",Penny: We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father.,"Sheldon: Yes, you must be present to win.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I did.,Penny: What did it say?,"Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,"Amy: Sheldon, that’s not a real thing.",Sheldon: Of course. Barry?,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.",Penny: Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says.,"Sheldon: That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack?",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.","Penny: Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something?","Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won’t be joining us so let’s get started. Um, I thought we’d begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we’re here. Okay. I’m Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?","Penny: Yeah, obviously.","Sheldon: And good-bye to you, sir. He’ll be back.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Raj: So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.,"Leonard: Hey, where have you been?","Sheldon: Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.","Leonard: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time.",Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.",Leonard: What information?,Sheldon: But change is a part of life.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.,"Raj: Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone.","Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.","Leonard: Fine, then that.",Sheldon: Leonard.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Leonard: As is the company.,Penny: Aw.,"Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Penny: Sure.,Amy: Absolutely.,Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Raj: Couldn’t leave him one friend, could you?",Howard: So everybody knows what’s in that letter except for me?,"Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Howard: No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.",Amy: Use me as a human shield!,"Sheldon: I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Leonard: When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.","Howard: Oh, yeah, what’s that?",Sheldon: I’m setting out snacks.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.","Penny: We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so…",Sheldon: Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Raj: Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.",Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Howard: Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.,Amy: Told you.,Sheldon: Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Amy: You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.",Howard: Really?,"Sheldon: Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn’t look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Leonard: Penny.,"Penny: It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.",Sheldon: Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.,"Amy: No, it’s not.","Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Leonard: Yeah, cool.",Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.","Bernadette: Sheldon, don’t you dare.",Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,Sheldon: There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.,Bernadette: That’s more like it.,"Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.",0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Raj: I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.","Amy: If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.",Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella.,0
Series 06 Episode 19 – The Closet Reconfiguration,"Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?","Penny: Damn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him.",Sheldon: A margarita? Where are we? What is happening?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: My point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.",Raj: Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: Oh, my God.","Barry: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.","Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Howard: Show a little compassion, a man died.","Barry: And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.","Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.","Raj: Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.","Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.","Raj: Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it.","Sheldon: Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.","Leonard: Excuse me, but I think I’m just as qualified as you are.",Sheldon: Is it about me or the dead pixels?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Penny: Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.",Amy: Are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?,"Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,Amy: Do they know they don’t stand a chance ’cause you’re so great?,Sheldon: Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Leonard: Oh, very. Assuming she takes my call.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear!",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.,"Amy: Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.","Sheldon: No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.","Sheldon: But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.,Amy: You don’t say.,Sheldon: I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.",Amy: Is that a problem?,Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Well…,"(Flashback to Series 6, Episode 12, The Egg Salad Equivalency)","Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Janine: I’m a what?,(End of flashback),Sheldon: Because we don’t throw parties.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Shelldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?","Janine: God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.","Janine: Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary.","Sheldon: Well, I don’t want to go to a party.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me.,Janine: Roots?,"Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.,Janine: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?,"Sheldon: But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Um… Well… You are black, right?",Janine: This meeting has come to an end.,"Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Raj: I don’t know.,Leonard: Probably not.,"Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi’s Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Howard: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s not optional.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.","Amy: Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.",Sheldon: Right. I’ll make tea.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.",Amy: It sounds like a long and tedious evening.,"Sheldon: Actually, it’s the three of us.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.","Amy: Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along.",Sheldon: I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.","Amy: Of course it would. I’m well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.","Sheldon: At home, forbidding it.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Scene: The memorial.,Amy: Let’s go over our emotional responses one last time.,Sheldon: They went to Catalina for the weekend.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Okay.,"Amy: Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us?",Sheldon: It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Sad.,Amy: The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?,"Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Glad.,Amy: Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was?,Sheldon: Did you get the part?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Bad. However…,Amy: No.,"Sheldon: No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Fine. Bad.,Raj: Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.,"Sheldon: That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: You’re here.,"Raj: Excuse me. I’m here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.","Sheldon: Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Amy: I’d like to know why Penny’s here.,"Penny: I’m here to support my man, just like you.","Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?,Leonard: Do it.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?,Amy: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard’s cause.,"Sheldon: Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Leonard: Way to hit ’em with both barrels.,"Raj: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.",Sheldon: Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: That’s what tertiary friends are for.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.",Amy: Sheldon!,"Sheldon: No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What? That was ambiguous.,"Raj: Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it?","Sheldon: Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: Um…,Howard: You could talk some smack about his mother.,"Sheldon: Cocoa, Leonard. Focus. I’m down in the dumps here.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.","Leonard: Okay, okay. Guys, what are we doing here?","Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Raj: You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.,"Leonard: How about it, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Sheldon: What do you think I should do?,"Amy: Well, you’ll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you’ll make any more friends.",Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Leonard: No. We cannot lose to that jerk.,"Raj: Yeah, screw it. I’m going in.",Sheldon: What’s going on?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,Amy: Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.,Scene: Janine’s office.,Sheldon: Another compliment! Learn to recognize them.,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? I know you’re in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.",Janine: What?,"Sheldon: That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.","Janine: Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.","Sheldon: Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.",0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.","Janine: You didn’t bring another gift, did you?",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.",Janine: Good.,Sheldon: She stiffed you?,0
Series 06 Episode 20 – The Tenure Turbulence,"Sheldon: Anyway, thank you.",Janine: You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen.,Sheldon: I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: That’s a good sign, right?",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: Are you just getting home?,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Penny: Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.","Leonard: Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.",Sheldon: What’s going on?,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?,Leonard: I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere.,Sheldon: No. But thank you for asking.,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Penny: Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.","Leonard: You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas.","Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.",Leonard: There is no season three. They cancelled that show.,"Sheldon: Oh, come on! Why not?",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Leonard: They did.,"Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?",Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?,"Penny: As a rule, no.","Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.","Penny: Well, why don’t you make up your own ending?","Sheldon: Hold on, I have something for you.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.","Leonard: Oh, please, don’t do that.",Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon (on phone): Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it’s me, and I don’t want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just. I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about y’all cancelling his favourite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?","Amy: I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.","Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.,"Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.",Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.","Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.","Sheldon: Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.",Amy: You sure about that?,Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.,"Amy: All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…","Sheldon: Oh, wow!",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?",Amy: I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.,"Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: By playing tic-tac-toe?,Amy: Yep. Your turn.,"Sheldon: You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.",Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.,Amy: And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.,"Sheldon: No, that can’t be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we’re best friends. And I got your back, Jack.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.","Amy: Come on, you can do this.","Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"1. Amy (singing): O’er the land of the free, and the home of the… Next.","2. (Sheldon is laying out an intricate pattern of dominoes) Amy: That’s quite an impressive layout, isn’t it?","Sheldon: Okay, I see what’s happening.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,Sheldon: Yes.,Amy: Let’s box it up.,"Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"3. (Sheldon is turning the handle on a jack-in-the-box. Just before the end of the tune) Amy: That’s enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!","4. Amy: Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.","Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: No!,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Amy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.",Amy: I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…",Amy: And?,Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: Doesn’t matter, does it?","Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)","Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.",0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!","Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.",Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?,0
Series 06 Episode 21 – The Closure Alternative,"Sheldon: I love you, too.",Scene: Later.,Sheldon: That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Leonard: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here. When you’re happy with those, you press this button.",Penny: Got it.,"Sheldon: Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: Nice shot.,"Penny: Eh, his giant head did most of the work.","Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.",Leonard: You’re kidding. He’s still alive?,"Sheldon: Don’t tell him that, tell him the mask thing.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: He was the host of this great… Hey!,"Penny: Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton.",Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: It was pretty cool.,"Penny: Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti.",Sheldon: Sheldon is not going.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.",Leonard: Hire him to do what?,Sheldon: Ugh!,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.","Leonard: It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I?","Sheldon: I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.",Leonard: Do you remember his old theme song?,Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Howard: To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.",Raj: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: You’re kidding.,Howard: You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show?,"Sheldon: It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves,",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.,Howard: How’d you get him to come to your house?,"Sheldon: That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.",Leonard: And he wrote him a cheque.,"Sheldon: Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Bernadette: Yeah, well, you throw like a girl.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: I’m getting worried.,"Penny: Relax, Sheldon, he’s only a few minutes late.","Sheldon: Mommy, I love you. Don’t let Spock take me to the future!",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.",Leonard: Where is he?,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.",Arthur: I agree.,"Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.","Arthur: Just, just call me Arthur.","Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.","Arthur: No. A friend would’ve, would’ve told me about the elevator.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Arthur: Is, uh, is he dangerous?","Leonard: Actually, he’s a genius.","Sheldon: Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Penny: Hello.,"Arthur: Well, I hope I haven’t, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show.",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Leonard: That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.","Arthur: You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show?","Sheldon: I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.","Arthur: You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University.","Sheldon: Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?","Arthur: No, no. I, I hate that puppet.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Arthur: Okay, as, as I put the egg on top, and, and the flame goes out and, and, and the air pressure decreases in, in the flask, what do you think will happen?",Penny: I think I know.,"Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in.,"Penny: Okay, I didn’t know.","Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Penny: See, I’m not a scientist like them.","Arthur: I, I figured that out.",Sheldon: Hoo!,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Penny: Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?","Arthur: No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done.","Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: Then what is it?,"Arthur: I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more.",Sheldon: Very well. I’ll set the scene.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.","Arthur: What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I’m, I’m an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I’m a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Penny: But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?",Arthur: What do you two talk about?,Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?","Arthur: I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.","Sheldon: Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.","Arthur: No, I, I get that.","Sheldon: It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.","Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.",Sheldon: Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Paramedic: Your vitals are stable, but let’s take you in for some tests just to be safe.",Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?,Sheldon: I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Arthur: He’s not a relative, he’s not allowed, right?","Paramedic: No, that’s not a rule. He can go.","Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Leonard: I’m sorry things turned out this way.,"Arthur: Well, at, at this point, I’m just glad someone’s carrying me down the stairs.",Sheldon: Yes. I didn’t care for it.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Howard: Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom.,Scene: A hospital room.,Sheldon: You have any frozen yogurt?,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.","Arthur: Thank you, Sheldon. That, that was very nice.","Sheldon: Oh, and we’re going to use props?",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: Want me to sing it again?,"Arthur: No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm.",Sheldon: It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?","Arthur: No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask.",Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: Name it.,"Arthur: Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it.",Sheldon: You do?,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re not. You look awful.","Arthur: Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me.",Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,Sheldon: Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?,Arthur: Yeah.,"Sheldon: I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.",Arthur: Or a Korean family in Alhambra.,"Sheldon: Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?",0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?",Arthur: Sounds great.,Sheldon: Action.,0
Series 06 Episode 22 – The Proton Resurgence,"Sheldon: So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.","Arthur: What, Whatever.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Raj: Anything can happen.,Leonard: It’s gonna get crazy.,Sheldon: Gotcha.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Amy: ‘Cause last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Raj: Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her.",Howard: Ready whenever you guys are.,Sheldon: You’re the teacher.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?",Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.,"Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.","Leonard: See, Howard’s just as good a dungeon master as I am.",Sheldon: How shall we begin?,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Raj: You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.","Howard: We’ll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali’s bloody corpse, and says, (Raj voice) don’t worry, buddies, ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. (Nicolas Cage voice) Well, I’m just a tree, but if I were you, I’d listen to your ghost friend.","Sheldon: Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Leonard: I push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.,"Howard: Uh, it does. (Creaking sound)",Sheldon: Nothing. I was acting.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: He does sound effects, too!","Leonard: Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Penny: Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.",Amy: You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.,Sheldon: I’ll pay you 40 dollars.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s my girl.","Leonard: No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?","Leonard: What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.",Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Penny: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.","Leonard: So, what do you say?",Sheldon: I suppose that’s one way to look at it.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Scene: Later, the same.","Penny: Okay, who wants a drink?","Sheldon: So, when could we start?",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Leonard: Double potion, please.","Howard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!","Sheldon: It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Howard: What do you do?,Leonard: I draw my broadsword.,Sheldon: Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Howard: Uh, fifteen or higher.","Penny: Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.",Sheldon: All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Bernadette: Come on, mama wants a pair of dead ogres.","Howard: Seventeen, the larger ogre is dead. The-the other ogre says, you killed my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.","Sheldon: You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct?",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Yay!,"Howard: But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.",Sheldon: Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?","Howard: Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.",Sheldon: I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Amy: Here we go. Fifteen?,Howard: It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground.,Sheldon: Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Wait. Wait. And says?,Howard: Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home.,"Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Bernadette: This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.","Howard: Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.",Sheldon: For instance?,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.,"Amy: Sheldon, they’re talking about sex.",Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?",Amy: I don’t like this.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon (off): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",Amy: What?,"Sheldon: It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.,Amy: You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think I’ll turn in. I didn’t want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.,Amy: I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.,"Sheldon: Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.","Amy: Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?",Sheldon: Tell me what?,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.",Amy: And now?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: And now what?,Amy: Do you have any interest now?,"Sheldon: Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.,Amy: Wow. Talk dirty to me.,"Sheldon: Good evening. I’m your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I was expecting applause, but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. I agreed to speak to you this evening, because I was told that you’re the best and the brightest of this university’s doctoral candidates. Hmm. Of course, that’s like saying you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. ‘Cause, you see, there’s only one electron in a hydrogen atom. Best and brightest, my sweet patootie. All right, let’s begin. Show of hands, who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators? Don’t kid yourselves.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.","Amy: I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more.","Sheldon: All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.",Amy: Come on. Let’s go back out there.,Sheldon: Must be out of range.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.",Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: All right, why don’t we open it up to Q&A from the audience?",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,"Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.",Amy: Oh.,Sheldon: I guess not.,0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: What do you do?,Amy: I kiss you on the lips.,"Sheldon: All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.",0
Series 06 Episode 23 – The Love Spell Potential,Sheldon: I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.,Amy: I remove your armour. What do you do?,Sheldon: Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Leonard: So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?","Raj: I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people.","Sheldon: Dr. Koothrappali, would you care to join the conversation?",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.",Leonard: How’s that been working for you?,"Sheldon: Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we’ll begin with opening remarks. Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science’s responsibility to society?",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Howard: Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.",Leonard: I have a job.,"Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Howard: Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.","Leonard: He knows, wow.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?","Raj: Hey, don’t discourage him. This is a fantastic opportunity.",Sheldon: Can you guarantee that it won’t happen at any time during the night?,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: No one asked you, Uhura.",Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: Please tell me you’re not having coitus.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?,Leonard: What do you think?,Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?,Leonard: Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.,Sheldon: Leonard.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.",Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone.,Sheldon: I knew she wasn’t lead car material.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.",Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?","Leonard: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.","Sheldon: Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Howard (in Raj accent): Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.","Leonard: There’s beer in the fridge. Anyway, you guys really don’t need to make a big deal.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Amy: And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.,"Raj: The only person allowed inside this head is Dr. Phil. Anyway, I, I spoke to my new lady friend about meeting you all, and she thought it would be easier for her to start with just one.",Sheldon: No. Amy?,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Raj: Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?,"Amy: A, that was not a joke, that was a sincere request. And B, more importantly, I was the outsider to this group, and I know how frightening that can be. But you guys took me in and made me feel loved, like I was family.",Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Raj: We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.,Scene: A store.,"Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: This is ridiculous, we’re shopping for a party and this store doesn’t even have a party section.","Penny: Yeah, it does, and here we are.",Sheldon: It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.","Penny: Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him.","Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Red Leader to Red Five, come in. Howard, you promised.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.","Penny: Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out.","Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.","Penny: Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard.","Sheldon: All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.,"Penny: Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job.","Sheldon: Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: It was you.,"Penny: It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair…","Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone’s attention, please? I know we’re all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I’m sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it’s just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo and we’re off.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.,"Penny: I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do.",Sheldon: You lied to me?,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: They lie so they don’t look petty.,Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Sheldon: How?,Penny: Like this. I am so happy for you.,"Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Amy: Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.","Raj: She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay?",Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.","Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say.","Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging?",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Penny: Cheers.,Howard: It was really nice of you to try to be happy for Leonard.,"Sheldon: Algorithm. You see, Penny, Alan Turing defined an algorithm…",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Penny: Raj, I’m so sorry.","Amy: Me, too.",Sheldon: Bored.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Leonard: Yep. I’m really gonna miss you.,"Penny: I’m gonna miss you, too.","Sheldon: As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Penny: Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…","Leonard: Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good.",Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.,0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,"Sheldon: All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.",Leonard: Would you just relax?,"Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Leonard: I’m covered.,Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Leonard: Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.,"Penny: Oh, Leonard.","Sheldon: Boy, I’m getting good at this.",0
Series 06 Episode 24 – The Bon Voyage Reaction,Penny: I love you.,"Leonard: I love you, too.","Sheldon: Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important.",Leonard: What is it?,"Sheldon: Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.",Leonard: So?,Sheldon: I was being sarcastic.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?","Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?",Leonard: What was what?,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.","Leonard: Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)",Sheldon: How?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: No!,Scene: Penny’s apartment door.,Sheldon: You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. ",Penny: What’s the matter?,"Sheldon: Well, we sure saw that coming.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.","Penny: Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?",Sheldon: Really? Leonard wants me back?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: To be honest, I did.",Penny: Aw.,Sheldon: A disappointing drink for a disappointing day.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.,Penny: Good night.,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.",Penny: You know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you.,Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Howard: I’m proud of you.,"Raj: Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good.",Sheldon: Real cocoa?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.",Raj: Is that true?,Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Howard: Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.,"Raj: Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?","Sheldon: I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains…",Penny: No.,"Sheldon: I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.",Penny: Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?,Sheldon: That’s your app idea?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life.,Penny: Mmm.,Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table),"Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot.",Sheldon: With you?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, I try.","Penny: All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with.",Sheldon: Probably going to have to throw them away.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Great. I’ll go first.,Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: Yes. And they’re still sticky.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers?",Penny: Why?,Sheldon: He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Bernadette: You’re right. Thank you.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move.,Penny: Really? Why?,Sheldon: I’m practicing my theremin.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below.,"Penny: So that means I lose, right? It’s over?",Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.","Penny: Okay, let’s take a break. ","Sheldon: Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: We’re all out of alcohol.,"Penny: I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.","Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.",Penny: I’m calling him.,"Sheldon: That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Penny: Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.",Leonard: Best time of my life. ,"Sheldon: Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Random voice: Iceberg!,"Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on.",Sheldon: Playing the theremin.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!,"Penny: Leonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk.","Sheldon: Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?,"Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?,Penny: No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.,"Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.,"Penny: Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting?","Sheldon: Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go, Beavers. I’ll be back.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?","Penny: No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.",Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.",Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?","Penny: Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.",Sheldon: Don’t thank me. You earned it.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.",Penny: He did?,"Sheldon: Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Yes.,"Penny: Oh, that’s really sweet.","Sheldon: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.","Penny: Well, now I miss him even more.","Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.",Penny: Thanks.,"Sheldon: Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Raj: Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: But I made it better.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It’s in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.,Penny: Come on. It’s still early. Let’s do something.,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.",Penny: How about we just talk?,"Sheldon: Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess…,"Penny: No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.",Sheldon: I see. And is that open for discussion?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.,"Penny: Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.",Sheldon: Really? Why?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.,Penny: How about I go first?,"Sheldon: All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.","Penny: Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.","Sheldon: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.,"Penny: Oh, God.",Sheldon: I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.",Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.",Penny: That’s your big revelation?,Sheldon: I see. Is that decision open for discussion?,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.","Penny: Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed.",Sheldon: Another happy accident.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.,Penny: What did I do?,"Sheldon: Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.","Penny: I, I didn’t think it was a big deal.","Sheldon: All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?",0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: It is to me; that’s the point.,"Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.",Sheldon: Does it? A happy accident.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.,Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?,Sheldon: How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.,0
Series 07 Episode 01 – The Hofstadter Insufficiency,Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake?,Penny: Come on.,"Sheldon: If you say so, boss.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,,Scene: The stairwell,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: And here’s another interesting weather fact.,Penny: Another? Great.,"Sheldon: In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.","Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere.",Sheldon: This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.","Penny: You know, I will miss this.","Sheldon: Good one, boss.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.",Penny: I won’t.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, we’re doomed.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Credits sequence.,Scene: The comic book store.,"Sheldon: All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Uh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.","Stuart: Happy to, unless it’s hope or a reason to live.","Sheldon: You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.","Stuart: Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.","Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.","Stuart: Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector.","Sheldon: Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I’m a real collector. How rare is it?,"Stuart: Oh, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun?","Sheldon: Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Howard: I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.,"Raj: Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.","Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.,"Stuart: All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this.",Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.","Stuart: Ooh, yeah, I don’t know. This squirt gun, it’s, uh, it’s pretty rare.","Sheldon: All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Pizza guy: Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.","Penny: Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.","Sheldon: Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. ",Penny: That’s nice.,"Sheldon: She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.","Penny: Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so…","Sheldon: Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.","Penny: Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!",Sheldon: Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: What, now, do you have company?","Penny: No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so…",Sheldon: Of Texas.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, I can take a look at it.",Penny: Well…,"Sheldon: You have so few good ideas, Leonard. And you’re just going to spill the beans in front of an outsider?",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.","Penny: Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, shush.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?","Penny: Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.",Sheldon: Oh!,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question. ,Penny: Oh. ,"Sheldon: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable, though if pressed, I’d have to give a slight edge to the cat. I’ll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer. I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: That’s odd.,"Penny: Um, what?","Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: There are takeout containers in the trash can.,Penny: So? That’s my dinner from last night.,Sheldon: Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.,"Penny: Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself.","Sheldon: I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!",Penny: What?,Sheldon: We’re the Justice League of America. There’s only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.","Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it!",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Yes, I am.",Amy: Then what does tweepadock mean?,Sheldon: Stop counting!,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Uh, elephant?",Amy: Lucky guess.,"Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.,Amy: What happened?,Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much!,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.,Amy: What?,Sheldon: What’s the bad news?,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.",Amy: I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard.,Sheldon: Oh.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.",Amy: You’re being ridiculous.,Sheldon: Yes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy listening at Penny’s door.,Amy: Do you hear anything?,Sheldon: I’m Kermit. You’re Scooter.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I hear a woman’s voice.,Amy: Is it Penny?,"Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.","Amy: Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like.",Sheldon: I may have failed.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.",Amy: Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard.,"Sheldon: But they’re not blonde, so put on your wig. Hello?",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)","Amy: No, Sheldon, don’t.",Sheldon: Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Aha. ,Penny: What the hell?,Sheldon: Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Leonard?,"Penny: Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that. ",Sheldon: I understand why you’re upset.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: Penny’s apartment. ,"Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I should’ve told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.","Sheldon: I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.",Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.,"Sheldon:  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Penny: No, he doesn’t.",Leonard: I actually have used those exact words before. In that order.,Sheldon: Don’t. He’s making our case.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.",Leonard: The what?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Amy?,Amy: Please leave me out of this.,"Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.","Leonard: Come on, I said I was sorry.",Sheldon: I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Penny: It was fine.,"Leonard: Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh?",Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Amy: Hello, sailor.","Penny: Ooh, now we’re talking.",Sheldon: We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Good morning.,Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?,Sheldon: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.,Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.",Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.,"Sheldon: Congratulations. Zack, how would you like to be Superman?",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.","Leonard: No, I don’t.",Sheldon: Why not? Penny did it.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.","Leonard: I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell.",Sheldon: I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?",Leonard: Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t?,"Sheldon: That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.","Leonard: Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?","Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.,Leonard: Fine. What I did was wrong.,Sheldon: Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I wish I could believe you.,"Leonard: You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying.","Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.",Leonard: Stop it.,Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Keep it up?,Leonard: Bye.,Sheldon: Milk Dud?,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Amy: Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.","Penny: I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good.",Sheldon: That’s very hurtful.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Thought I heard you out here.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Penny.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.,"Penny: Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.",Sheldon: You’re embarrassing yourself.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.,Penny: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?,"Amy: Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…","Sheldon: Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. ",Amy: Really?,Sheldon: That’s not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.,Amy: You want to take the bus to work?,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Leonard: So now we’re just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising.","Howard: That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.",Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Howard, Raj. Judas.",Leonard: You know what? You’re a crazy person.,"Sheldon: No, although it’s a question I’ve been pondering since preschool.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.",Howard: Stop it.,"Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Howard: So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?",Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Raj: Uh, it wasn’t anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Leonard: I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.",Penny: I’m so glad you guys are friends again.,Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.",Penny: Aw.,Sheldon: Please don’t drag this out. This is never going to come off.,0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,"Sheldon: Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.",Penny: Fifty cents off Vagisil.,"Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.",0
Series 07 Episode 02 – The Deception Verification,Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.,"Raj: Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.",Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were meaning to do that.","Raj: No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.",Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Raj: Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.",Leonard: Great. ,Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Leonard: Aw.,Howard: Why?,"Sheldon: Yes. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Is this the Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny? Sorry to bother you. Hello. I’m looking for a Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny. Coitus. It means intercourse. And I have a feeling I’m speaking to the right Zack. This is Sheldon Cooper. Fine. Shelly. Yes, that does sound like a girl’s name. No, it doesn’t bother me. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me. Let me tell you why I’m calling. I’d like to know if you’d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Good grief. It’s like trying to talk to a dolphin.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: We did them at Princeton, too.","Howard: Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.","Sheldon: Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Amy: Yeah, me, too.","Various: I’m in, let’s do it.",Sheldon: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: What’s all this?,Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.",Leonard: You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley?,Sheldon: What are you suggesting?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.","Raj: Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.",Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?",Leonard: It’s not funny.,Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. ",Leonard: Ha-ha.,Sheldon: What insult?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.","Penny: No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!","Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: Penny’s apartment. (Montage with scenes in the apartment and Leonard’s bedroom) ,"Penny: All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.",Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.","Raj (over walkie-talkie): All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.","Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.,"Penny: Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Bernadette: Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.","Penny: Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.","Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.,"Penny: But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on.",Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?","Penny: Okay, it’s not gonna say that.",Sheldon: I reject it.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Bernadette: Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.","Penny: It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.","Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Raj: Oh.,"Penny: Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up.",Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.",Penny: People run in a marathon.,Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.",Penny: Riddle me this…,"Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: Got it.,"Penny: Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.",Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: The geology lab at the University. ,"Penny: Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.","Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.,"Penny: Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?",Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?",Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.",Penny: Wow. I can drink a beer underwater.,Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…",Penny: Shut up. I solved it.,"Sheldon: All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.,"Penny: Well, wait. Don’t you want to know how I figured it out?","Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Together: Today! Today!,Scene: Penny’s car.,Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.","Penny: Okay. Oh, it’s a bowling alley.",Sheldon: Zack.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Leonard: Yeah, Penny might be onto something.",Scene: Penny’s car. ,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?",0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Scene: The laundry room.,"Penny: Three bags, no one’s opened ’em. we’re the first ones here.",Sheldon: Who.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.,Penny: What? Why me?,Sheldon: Then why did you ask?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Leonard: Why would you do that?,"Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.",Sheldon: Who?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Bernadette: Wish I had a man like her on my team.,"Leonard: Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.",Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.",Penny: Oh.,Sheldon: Localized to what region?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.","Leonard: This one is, too.",Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,Bernadette: Maybe the spot’s the clue.,Penny: Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot.,Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.,0
Series 07 Episode 03 – The Scavenger Vortex,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.",Penny (off): Hurry.,"Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: So what’d you think?,Amy: It was good.,"Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: That’s it? Good”,"Amy: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.",Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.",Amy: It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem.,"Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.","Amy: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.","Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Raj: Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it’s one of the questions. And thank you, I’d kill for that woman’s bone structure.",Leonard: Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice?,Sheldon: Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Howard: Because her life wasn’t enough?,"Raj: Wait, how can, how can anyone ruin Raiders? It’s perfect.","Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Whatcha doin’?,"Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.",Leonard: So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?,Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.,Leonard: Mm-hmm. And?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?",Leonard: Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be.,Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.","Leonard: Sorry, buddy.","Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.",Leonard: I’ll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.,"Sheldon: Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on webcam): Hello, Sheldon. Is everything okay?","Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: Yes. Why?,"Amy: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.","Sheldon: Yes. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: April 13, a dark night, indeed.",Amy: So what can I do for you?,"Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.,Amy: Really?,Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.",Amy: That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together?,"Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?",Amy: Of course I’m in.,"Sheldon: Oh, friggety-frak. Not this again.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.","Amy: Good night, Dr. Cooper.",Sheldon: I’m starting to think we’re never going to see that pizza.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.,"Sheldon: If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.",Amy: You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.,"Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.","Amy: Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.","Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.","Amy: Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.",Sheldon: Aw.,0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.",Amy: I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.,"Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: Do you feel better?,"Sheldon: I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.",0
Series 07 Episode 04 – The Raiders Minimization,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: Wait, wait, if it wasn’t for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse. ","Sheldon: Are you sure you have enough comics? You’re going to be monitoring the telescope for 12 hours, and by my estimate, you’ve only selected seven hours of reading material. That’s even factoring in your difficulty in parsing American comic book idioms like Bamf and Snikt.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching. Somebody’s having date night.",Amy: It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.,"Sheldon: Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.",Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?,"Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: If you do that, I’ll scream.","Amy: Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you.",Sheldon: Why is there never a pontoon plane when you need one?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.",Amy: I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool. ,"Sheldon: Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.","Amy: So, you’re okay with this?","Sheldon: Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving.  Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, why wouldn’t I be?","Amy: Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.","Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?","Amy: Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.",Sheldon: No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Really?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.",Amy: I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.,Sheldon: You whistled?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Scene: The apartment. ,Howard: Are you crazy? You don’t want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam.,"Sheldon: Look, a side door. Come on, Short Round.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Howard: Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?,"Leonard: No, no, I think it’ll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby.",Sheldon: You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.,"Howard: Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear.",Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.",Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that.,Sheldon: No!,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Bernadette: He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?",Amy: I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday.,"Sheldon: Munching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.",Amy: Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque. ,"Sheldon: I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.","Penny: Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.","Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.",Bernadette: He said what?,"Sheldon: I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. ","Bernadette: Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband.","Sheldon: This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Amy: No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.","Penny: Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do.",Sheldon: Of what? Poorly executed beards?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Penny: That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.,"Amy: Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.","Sheldon: Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Really?,"Amy: Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.","Sheldon: Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?,Amy: More and more sure.,"Sheldon: Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, then, you have my permission.",Amy: I didn’t ask for your permission.,Sheldon: We might not get seats?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Too late. No backsies.,"Howard: No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.",Sheldon: What did he say?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Bernadette: Well?,"Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.","Sheldon: And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Bernadette: Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.,Howard: Bernie…,Sheldon: This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: As you wish.,"Howard: I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you.",Sheldon: I informed you thusly.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: Amy.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I’d say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: That was kind of icy. You two okay?,Sheldon: Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.",Leonard: Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj’s hair.,Sheldon: Hugh.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Raj: That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.,Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.,Sheldon: Knock-knock.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?","Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?","Sheldon: Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Shrewd.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Scene: Amy’s lab.,"Amy: Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking.","Sheldon: I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Dr. Fowler?,"Amy: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: But how were our seats?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!","Amy: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better?",Sheldon: What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?",Amy: Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.,Sheldon: Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.","Amy: I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor. ",Sheldon: See? Howard’s on my side.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.,"Amy: You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup.","Sheldon: Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Aw. Embarrassed you?,Amy: You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.,"Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.,Amy: Really? What tipped you off?,"Sheldon: Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…",Amy: Get out.,Sheldon: Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, now, that.","Amy: Image number six, woman giving birth.",Sheldon: There’s no switch. Just listen and learn.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: It’s nine o’clock, where you been?","Sheldon: That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.","Penny: Oh, no.",Sheldon: I changed my mind. Get out of my spot.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?,Leonard: I did not.,Sheldon: High five. Not too hard. Thank you.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.",Penny: Why’d you get that? You hate lamb.,Sheldon: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.",Leonard: I thought Amy was gonna drive you home.,Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.","Penny: Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?","Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?",Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: It’s for Howard.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: But you didn’t even hear the details.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong.",Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: But you don’t even know…,Leonard: Doesn’t matter.,"Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: But, now, but in my defence…",Leonard: Doesn’t matter.,"Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Sheldon: You’re not listening to my side of it.,"Penny: Okay, fine, Sheldon. What is your side?","Sheldon: Hello, all.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,Howard: Thanks for getting me in trouble.,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.","Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?",Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?",Amy: No.,Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Well, I cannot give this stuff away.",Amy: What do you want?,Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.","Amy: Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.",Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.,0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.",Amy: What’s your point?,"Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.",0
Series 07 Episode 05 – The Workplace Proximity,"Sheldon: My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.","Amy: I like you, too.","Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Scene: The Cheesecake Factory,Penny: What are you working on?,"Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Bernadette: Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already.","Howard: Guys, listen up. ","Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.",Howard: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.,Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Raj: That is so beautiful.,Howard: Sheldon?,Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Penny: Yeah. Hey, how come you’ve never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?","Leonard: Well, for starters, you’ve broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?","Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Leonard: That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?,Penny: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.",Sheldon: More or less.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.","Leonard: Nope, it was better before.",Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.","Leonard: Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element?",Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Howard: Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.",Raj: Fine. I will melt her heart. And her face.,Sheldon: Alcohol.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Howard: Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.","Raj: Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired.",Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.","Leonard: Sheldon, that’s incredible.","Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.","Howard: So, what happens next?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.",Leonard: Good to know.,"Sheldon: Oh, shut up.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Penny: Yeah, I’m trying to be sad about that. I can’t.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it?",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Let’s see, what’s next? Okay, here. This is the Magic Marker I was using when I made the discovery.",Amy: I don’t think the Smithsonian’s gonna want your marker. ,"Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m so proud of you.","Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.",Amy: What’s next?,"Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…,Amy: And what?,Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.",Amy: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.,Amy: What are you talking about?,Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?",Amy: That Americans can’t handle the metric system?,Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. ",Amy: But the Chinese team found the element.,"Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.",Amy: So you just got lucky?,"Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.,"Amy: You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking.",Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.","Amy: You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.","Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Leonard:: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. ,"Leonard: Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you. ",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.","Leonard: Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.","Leonard: You don’t know what a sex tape is, do you?","Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Raj: It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.",Voice: There he is. (General applause) ,"Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: Stop it. Stop celebrating me.,Voice: Woo!,Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Sheldon: And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.","Raj: Wait, I don’t understand. They didn’t find the element?",Sheldon: Excuse me?,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Leonard: Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.",Howard: I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her.,Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.,"Raj: Oh, that’s a big deal.",Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Leonard: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.",Amy: I’m not.,"Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: You’re not?,"Amy: Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.",Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.,"Penny: Damn it, everyone’s better at this than me.",Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Amy: Poor Bernadette.,"Leonard: Oh, no.","Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Bernadette: Howie.,"Amy: Sheldon, get over here.","Sheldon: Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Amy: Sheldon.,"Howard (singing): If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.","Sheldon: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"All: Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.","Bernadette: Howie, that was amazing. Look, I’m shaking.",Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,"Penny: Oh, yeah, just the first one. I didn’t save them all.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.",0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you.,Amy: Me? What did I do?,Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?,0
Series 07 Episode 06 – The Romance Resonance,Sheldon: You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you. ,Amy: Sorry.,"Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Amy: I’ve never seen him this happy before.,Leonard: That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.,Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash. ,"Leonard: Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.","Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?","Leonard: Oh, yeah.","Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.","Leonard: Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him.","Sheldon: A little, but go on.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.",Leonard: He thinks there’s a difference.,Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.","Arthur: Trust me, I, I remember.","Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Arthur: Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?","Leonard: No, she’s not.","Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled?",Leonard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Arthur: I wasn’t going to tell you.,"Amy: Sheldon, come on.",Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Arthur: Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.","Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, let’s go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.","Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Howard: How is that possible?,"Leonard: Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Goody. What’s it say?,"Leonard: He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it.",Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Howard: You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.,"Raj: Yeah, it’s nothing to cry about.",Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Howard: It’s true, you’d rust.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Not particularly.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he’s just another Hollywood phony.,Amy: Is it really worth getting upset about?,"Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.","Amy: Come on, he’s a retired kids show host.","Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.,Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper?,"Sheldon: Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.","Amy: Maybe he found you, um, a bit much.",Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.","Amy: From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you…",Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: What?,Amy: Doesn’t matter.,"Sheldon: Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it!",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: You’re so close.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Penny: When did I have pistachios?,Scene: Professor Proton’s house. ,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That’s TV money.","Arthur: Sheldon, what are you doing here?",Sheldon: Guess.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, did I wake you?","Arthur: Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty.","Sheldon: Well, sure.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.","Arthur: What do you want, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Alright. But I’m watching you.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.,Arthur: She sounds like a keeper.,Sheldon: With real puffing smoke?,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.","Arthur: All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night.",Sheldon: And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.","Arthur: Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.",Sheldon: You used my toothbrush?,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.",Arthur: I should be so lucky.,Sheldon: For science.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say?","Arthur: You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard.","Sheldon: Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. ",Arthur: Good night.,Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. ",Arthur: You’re annoying.,"Sheldon: May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Arthur: If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.","Leonard: I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting.","Sheldon: I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.",Leonard: Why is it odd?,"Sheldon: Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Leonard: Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.",Bill: He said I’d be speaking to a class.,"Sheldon: Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Amy: They’re gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Arthur?,"Arthur: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: I’m surprised to see you here.,"Arthur: Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.","Sheldon: And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya’s preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: I’ll get Leonard.,"Arthur: No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you.","Sheldon: Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.","Arthur: No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper.",Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour.,"Arthur: Oh. Uh, great.","Sheldon: It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.","Arthur: And, what did you think?",Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.,0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. ",Arthur: Mmm. Thank you.,"Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. ","Arthur: Oh, well, that, that means a lot to me.","Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Raj: And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.",0
Series 07 Episode 07 – The Proton Displacement,"Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?",Leonard: He can’t help it. He can’t. He really can’t.,Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Penny: What window?,Leonard: That one over there.,"Sheldon: I know, that’s why I shortened it.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?",Leonard: Skee-Ball tickets?,Sheldon: Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da!,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Leonard: Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.","Penny: Ooh, what are you gonna get?",Sheldon: Ta-da!,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.","Leonard: Yup, oh, here you go.","Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Penny: Aw, did she hate you?","Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.",Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?,"Leonard: Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there.",Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Well, you barely looked. Let me see.","Leonard: No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.",Sheldon: You know I can’t keep a secret.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, let me look in the box.","Leonard: Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.","Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Penny: No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.","Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?",Sheldon: You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?","Leonard: I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it.","Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: Okay.,"Leonard: I mean it, I’m going to.",Sheldon: And me.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I believe you.,Leonard: And you’re going to stay calm?,Sheldon: And Raj.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.","Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.",Leonard: When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?,"Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.,"Leonard: Well, I don’t know how to do that.","Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.",Leonard: That’s stupid. Why?,Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. ,"Leonard: I’m telling you, try the hanger.",Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: Put it on. Let’s share the experience.,"Leonard: You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.",Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.",Leonard: Really?,"Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Leonard: It’s called proving a point.,Howard: Is the point that you’re an idiot?,"Sheldon: For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Howard: Hey, what’re you working on?",Sheldon: Priya?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.,Howard: That’s a pretty cool idea.,Sheldon: Excellent choice.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.,Howard: Sure.,"Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Howard: You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.",Leonard: Or it’s resolved.,Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.","Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.,Amy: Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing?,Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?",Amy: I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?,Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.",Amy: Seriously?,"Sheldon: Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Raj: I love you, Penny.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: How is it I can conceptualize a methodology of examining dark matter in the universe but can’t figure out how to fix a novelty squirt flower?,"Amy: I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?",Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,Sheldon: There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.,"Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?","Leonard: Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?",Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.","Leonard: Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.",Leonard: Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.",0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Sheldon: Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.,0
Series 07 Episode 08 – The Itchy Brain Simulation,"Leonard: Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!","Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.","Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Leonard: The math is all there. It’s not real.,"Penny: Yes, it is.",Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?,"Howard: Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.",Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: Uh, we were actually gonna do it here.","Howard: Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.",Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Sheldon: Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.",Leonard: It’d actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.,Sheldon: Five more minutes.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Raj: I’m in.,Howard: Sheldon.,Sheldon: I know.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: Do we really have to go to Mrs. Wolowitz’s house?,Amy: We do. And I expect you to be on your best behaviour.,Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.,Amy: Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz’s mom’s with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: No, they’re not.","Leonard: Yeah, they are.","Sheldon: Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Amy: They’re real.,Penny: But it didn’t seem real.,"Sheldon: Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Scene: Leonard’s car. ,"Amy: No traffic, we’re sailing.","Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: Yes. Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.,"Amy: Sheldon, that’s completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a slave.",Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Leonard: Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.",Penny: I will. Why are you making this such a big deal?,"Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It’s locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: Great, well, what do I have to do?",Amy: It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?,Sheldon: You might as well just wait at the airport for your flight.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Howard: You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.",Amy: Happy Thanksgiving.,Sheldon: Do you like trains?,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Penny: Ugh, I need some air.","Leonard: Wuh, Penny.",Sheldon: That’s what I said.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Leonard: Sure.,"Mike: I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?",Sheldon: Abundantly.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.,Mike: How the hell do you know that?,Sheldon: He rejected train day.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Leonard: Come on.,Mike: What do you think they ought to do now?,"Sheldon: Well then apparently, you hate fun.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Raj: My, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens.",Scene: The living room.,"Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: That’s why I sit.,"Mike: Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?","Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.,"Mike: I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.",Sheldon: Cobbler. I’m still laughing.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: Thank God.,"Mike: So, does your dad still live in Texas?","Sheldon: Why would I touch her, she’s covered with airplane germs.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: No. He died when I was 14.,Mike: I’m sorry to hear that.,"Sheldon: Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: Here you go.,"Mike: Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.",Sheldon: Why would I change?,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Sheldon: No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.","Mike: Well, you’re having one with me.","Sheldon: Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Mike: To your dad.,"Howard: I never had a beer with my dad, either.",Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Mrs Wolowitz (off): Did somebody say pie?,"Mike: I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.","Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Mike: Me, too.","Bernadette: Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Sheldon: She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.,"Amy: All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Howard: Don’t worry about it.,Amy: Thank you.,Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,Mike: Mmm.,Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: My apologies. Good night, Amy.",0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Raj: Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favourite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.","Mike: Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?",Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?,0
Series 07 Episode 09 – The Thanksgiving Decoupling,"Howard: Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.","Mike: Well, I’m drunk.","Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Scene: A radio studio.,"Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Sheldon: And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.","Ira: So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.",Sheldon: So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Yes.,Ira: And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.,"Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.,"Ira: It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.",Sheldon: Rats!,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?,"Ira: That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.",Sheldon: Way to go on the details.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.,"Sheldon: I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.","Amy: I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.",Sheldon: Tell her I’m not here.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Leonard: Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.,"Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.","Sheldon: The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.","Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.",Sheldon: Darn! She found me!,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Howard: For a whole week, the nerve of some people.",Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is playing with his train set.,"Sheldon: Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.","Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?",Sheldon: She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Do you have cookies?,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?,"Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while.",Sheldon: Exactly.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Why are you here?,"Wil: Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?",Sheldon: I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.","Wil: Yeah, I know a little something about that.","Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.","Wil: I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.",Sheldon: Amy’s right. He is tedious.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?,"Wil: Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.",Sheldon: Screwed.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Amy: Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so… ","Wil: I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.,Wil: Good.,Sheldon: Wait! What am I supposed to do?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Wil: Sure.,Amy: Okay.,Sheldon: You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.",Wil:Can I blow the whistle?,"Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Raj: There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.","Leonard: Hey, you’re in a good mood.",Sheldon: Wait. What?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.,"Leonard: Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.",Sheldon: Uh-huh.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.","Leonard: Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.",Sheldon: What does that mean?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Really?,Leonard: Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.,Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: So no more interviews?,"Leonard: No, it’s all over.","Sheldon: Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I can’t believe it.,"Leonard: Well, you’re welcome.",Sheldon: I see. Can I get back to you on that?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.","Leonard: I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.","Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.","Leonard: Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.",Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,","Penny: Hey, what’s with all the yelling?",Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.,"Penny: Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled, ","Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.","Penny: He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right?","Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.","Leonard: The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.",Sheldon: I did.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Leonard: Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.,"Penny: Actually, I get what he’s saying.","Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.","Penny: It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.","Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.","Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.",Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.","Leonard: Fine, I’ll publish.",Sheldon: You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Leonard: Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.",Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.,"Leonard: These things happen all the time, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Barry: It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.","Leonard: Okay, Barry, that’s enough.",Sheldon: Are you ill?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.","Barry: Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.",Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Raj: I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again. ",Penny: Bark once if you need me to call PETA.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?,"Leonard: Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out.","Sheldon: No, no, no, no!",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.","Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better…","Sheldon: All right, I’ll bow to social pressure. Hey!",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Penny: You’re probably right.,"Amy: Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?",Sheldon: It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre.  We’d never put Meemaw in a home!,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Ira: I’m Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I’d like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen.",Leonard: Thanks.,"Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.",Ira: It’s all right.,"Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Ira: No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?",Leonard: Well…,"Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.,Leonard: He asked me.,"Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,Sheldon: Fine.,Leonard: As I was saying…,"Sheldon: No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them, there’s probably a Sheldon who doesn’t believe parallel universes exist.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.","Ira: You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.",Sheldon: Hu-u-urgh! Leonard not jealous.,0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Ira: Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.","Leonard: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me.","Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.",0
Series 07 Episode 10 – The Discovery Dissipation,"Penny (listening in her apartment): You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.","Amy: A little early for alcohol, isn’t it?",Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Leonard: Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.","Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next?",Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.",Leonard: Where?,Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Amy: Right now? Why?,Leonard: Is someone sick?,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.,"Penny: Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.",Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant?,Sheldon: It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?","Leonard: Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister.",Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.,"Penny: Wow, so, how long will you be gone?","Sheldon: Highly. Oh, dear. (Explosion)",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?",Amy: Can I give you a ride to the airport?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Bernadette: Hi.,Stuart: Hello.,"Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? ,"Amy: Yeah, kinda.",Sheldon: I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.,"Penny: Hey, how’s your sister?",Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: <i>She went into labor an hour ago.,Amy: That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital?,Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.","Raj: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.",Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.,"Mrs Cooper (off): Shelly, come on. Your sister’s fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there’s blood everywhere.","Sheldon: All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Leonard: The end.,"Amy (Tablet ringing): Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay?",Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.",Amy: Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.,Mrs Cooper (off): Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Fantasy sequence in the Laundry Room.,"Penny: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Help me move my desk.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Doing laundry?,"Sheldon: All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Fantasy sequence. ,"Penny: So, what do you think?",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.","Penny: Please, Sheldon. I need you.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: To what?,Penny: To take me.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.,"Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.","Sheldon: All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Stuart: I was okay with it.,"Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Actually, much better.","Leonard: Oh, good. Is the baby born yet?",Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I don’t know. I just got back. ,Amy: Where’d you go?,Sheldon: Brobdingnagian.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Stuart: I’ll stop now.,"Amy (tablet ringing): How’s it going, Sheldon?",Sheldon: It’s actually British.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Amy: Yay.,Raj: Congrats.,Sheldon: This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.","Leonard: Well, good for you, buddy. We’ll let you get back in there.",Sheldon: Why on earth are you telling me all this?,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Howard: Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.","Amy: Come on, Sheldon, you should go.",Sheldon: One question.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Why?,"Amy: Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew.",Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Amy: That’s fine, she’s dead.",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: You okay?,Amy: Just really glad you’re back.,"Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.",0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on.",Amy: I missed you.,Sheldon: It’s my office.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,"Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know.",Amy: Did you miss me?,Sheldon: Because…,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.,Amy: Oh.,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: Or instead of me.,Amy: Did you hold the baby?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 07 Episode 11 – The Cooper Extraction,Sheldon: I did. ,Amy: And? How did it make you feel?,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: Absolutely.,Amy: Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?,Sheldon: You’re two for two.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: What? That’s great. Guys.,"Howard: Oh, yeah",Sheldon: Correct.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Raj: I don’t see why not. ,"Howard: If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.",Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.,Leonard: It’s a joke.,Sheldon: Hello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Raj: Can we bring anything?,"Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.",Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. ",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I’m funny?",Leonard: No. Do you?,"Sheldon: You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: I think I’m hysterical.,Leonard: I take it back. That was funny.,"Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. ,Leonard: I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut.,"Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.","Leonard: You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem.","Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.",Leonard: Are you set on people laughing with you? ‘Cause if you’re cool with at you…,"Sheldon: Ah, then you may find Zazzles a little cloying.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Penny: We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet.,"Leonard: I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts.",Sheldon: Would you like to see my cats?,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.",Amy: Why?,"Sheldon: Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.,Amy: Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.,Sheldon: I’ll go as high as 40.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: What’s wrong?,"Penny: Well, the diner scene. Where’s my diner scene?","Sheldon: Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Raj: I’m sure you were great.,"Penny: This doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I… Excuse me.",Sheldon: A physics point.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: Should’ve let Sheldon come.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: This is interesting. Apparently, a key component in some forms of humour is the element of surprise. ","Amy: Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their…","Sheldon: That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: BRAIN LESIONS!,"Amy: Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny.","Sheldon: Yes, ma’am.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.,"Amy: Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological… (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that’s pretty good.","Sheldon: All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Stuart: We’ll find somebody else.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Kumquat?,Amy: I guess.,Sheldon: Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here?,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Ointment?,Amy: Sure.,Sheldon: Coming!,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?",Amy: I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore.,"Sheldon: I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.,"Amy: Sheldon, how many words are you gonna go through?","Sheldon: Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Leonard: That is not what I said.,"Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table.",Sheldon: What are you doing here?,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Who’s in the mood to laugh?,Leonard: Really not a good time.,"Sheldon: I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Leonard: Penny, don’t.","Penny: No, no, I just need to be alone.","Sheldon: Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?",Leonard: To my room.,Sheldon: Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.),0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Should I follow you?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan. All right, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that’s not fancy at all.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Stuart: Smooth.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Can’t sleep?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?,"Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes.",Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Why not?,Leonard: That’s a good question.,Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?,Leonard: I don’t know.,Sheldon: Clowder.,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,Sheldon: Why don’t you ask her?,Leonard: Because I’m afraid to know the answer.,Sheldon: About what?,0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry.",Leonard: That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?,"Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.",0
Series 07 Episode 12 – The Hesitation Ramification,"Sheldon: No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.",Leonard: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?,"Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,,Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: It’s an outrage.,Leonard: I know.,"Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.","Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon.","Sheldon: My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.","Leonard: Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days.","Sheldon: Oh, gentlemen.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: But I don’t want a vacation.,"Leonard: Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.","Sheldon: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a pussycat.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?",Leonard: It doesn’t.,"Sheldon: Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Thank you.,Leonard: I’m gonna go talk to Penny. ,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Regarding what?,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.",Leonard: No. You’re on vacation.,Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?,Leonard: Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.,Leonard: Bye.,Sheldon: Amen to that.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Take me with you.",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Please.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: There being no objections…,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Too bad. I’m coming with you.,"Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, stay.",Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Scene: The stairwell.,"Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon.","Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: You okay?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: I’m on vacation. What do you think?,Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?,Sheldon: You take that back.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.,"Penny: Oh. Well, good boy.",Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Where are you going?,"Penny: Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.",Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Well, have fun.",Penny: Okay. You want to come with me?,Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Scene: Penny’s car.,"Voice: Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.",Sheldon: Greetings.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider.,"Voice: Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.",Sheldon: Yes. And I’d thank you to do the same.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.,Voice: In. ,"Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Let me guess.,Voice: And out.,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?,Penny: I didn’t get it.,Sheldon: So?,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.",Penny: Do you think quitting my job was a mistake?,"Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Do you see me drinking lemonade?,Penny: No. I’m serious.,"Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Why do you ask?,Penny: Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?,"Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: No, I don’t think you are. ",Penny: Really?,"Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.",Penny: Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?,Sheldon: They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Scene: The apartment. Penny and Sheldon are doing yoga.,"Penny: And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.",Sheldon: It’s how they lure you in. I believe it’s called bait and switch.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.,"Penny: Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re gonna get to do that today.","Sheldon: I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Penny: And now we go to Reverse Warrior.,Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?,"Sheldon: A juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon and Amy,  Shamy.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.","Penny: Sheldon, take a break.",Sheldon: I believe she’s experiencing her menses.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.","Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.",Sheldon: Sorry we’re late.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: I’m willing to if you guys are.,Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?,Sheldon: Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Sheldon: Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should’ve been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?","Leonard: For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.","Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,Sheldon: Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.,"Penny: Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot.","Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: I swear, I am on your side. ","Penny: You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it.","Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?",0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.","Penny: Well, it’s scary for me, too.",Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.,0
Series 07 Episode 13 – The Occupation Recalibration,"Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. ",Penny: Okay. Thank you.,Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Raj: Oh, it all comes down to this.","Leonard: Oh, I’ve got butterflies.",Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: T Minus 45 seconds.,"Leonard: They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes…",Sheldon: Defend.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: T-minus 30 seconds.,"Raj: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad.","Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Leonard: Well, this is it, this is it. This is it.","Howard: Five, four, three, two, one. ","Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.",Raj: Anyone in?,Sheldon: Uganda.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: Not yet. ,Howard: Nope.,"Sheldon: All right, I’m ready for my next question.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Penny: To be cool? Yeah.,"Leonard: I did it, I did it, I’m in the queue.","Sheldon: I’m coming, Woz, I’m coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: Really?,"Leonard: Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left.",Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.",Leonard: Sunday’s gone.,"Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: Yeah.,Howard: I can’t believe we’re not going.,"Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.","Penny: Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.",Sheldon: An accident.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Penny: And we’re back to the first kind of sad.,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention.","Leonard: Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us.","Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.,Howard: I already found a guy online who’s willing to sell.,Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Leonard: The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.,"Howard: Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention.","Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon (on phone): Yes, I’m starting my own comic book convention, and I thought that your client, Robert Downey Jr., would be perfect to appear on our first panel. Oh, well, now, why are you saying no? You haven’t even asked him yet. You know, excuse me, but I sat through Iron Man 2. I believe he owes me two hours of his time. They hung up on me.","Leonard: Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie?","Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: I didn’t even get to that part.,"Leonard: Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time.",Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting),0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.","Leonard: Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you.",Sheldon: I think so.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.,Leonard: Good luck.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Leonard: Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us.","Howard: Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over.",Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.",Leonard: Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape?,Sheldon: We’ll never know.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.",Raj: How are you gonna get James Earl Jones?,Sheldon: I am doing it.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Howard: And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.,"Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don’t be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You’re gonna get in trouble.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Scene: A sushi restaurant.,"James Earl Jones: Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I’ve been in other movies. But you don’t care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me?",Sheldon: Why are you doing that?,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.","James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie.","Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Scene: The sushi restaurant.,"James: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.",Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Me, too. But he wasn’t, was he?",James: He was not. How messed up was that?,Sheldon: What about your pedometer?,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Howard: I lied about the Pepto, I always use the little cup.",Scene: An ice cream parlour.,"Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Is it true, as a child, you were a stutterer and were functionally mute for eight years?",James: It is true.,Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?,James: They sure did.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?,James: That’s right.,Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Howard: Oh, God, I could really use exactly two tablespoons of Pepto right now.",Scene: A big wheel.,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,James: I am.,Scene: A karaoke bar.,Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…","James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…","Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"James: Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…",Sceme: Outside a house.,"Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: I don’t understand what we’re doing.,James: Shh.,"Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Scene: A sauna.,"James: Ah, Sheldon, this is the perfect end to a perfect night.","Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke.,James: What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?,Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.,0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?,James: No. Something about a convention.,"Sheldon: That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Sheldon: Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.",James: Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?,"Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,Sheldon: Really?,"James: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night. ","Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.",0
Series 07 Episode 14 – The Convention Conundrum,"Scene: The same, later.","James: So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando’s shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool… hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun.","Sheldon: Essentially, yes.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.",Sheldon: Correct.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list. ,"Amy: I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable.","Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.","Amy: We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.",Sheldon: It’s a small price to pay.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.","Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.","Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.",Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.,"Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.","Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not?",Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.","Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.",Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.",Amy: I got you your own room. ,Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?,Amy: It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.,"Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.",Amy: We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.,Sheldon: By this much.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.,Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.,"Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Leonard: Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs.",Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.,Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?","Howard: I’m sorry, what?","Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.",Howard: I don’t own a pocket watch.,"Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The Pullman dining car.,"Amy: What do you think, Sheldon?","Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.,Amy: I’m so glad you like it.,Sheldon: Killed by badger.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The dining car.,"Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?","Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?","Waiter: I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food.",Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Amy: Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.","Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.",Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch.,Scene: The dining car.,Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.",Man: Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. ,Sheldon: I’ve decided not to procreate.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Man: I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.,Amy: See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud.,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?,Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.,Sheldon: Curses.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an accident.,Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.,Sheldon: That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Scene: The dining car.,"Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?","Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Trick question. There never was one.,Man: Or was there? ,Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: What?,"Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.","Sheldon: I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Howard: A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.","Man: Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.",Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Waiter: Better than you think.,"Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.",Sheldon: I should think so.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I never want this day to end.,Amy: It’s feeling like it never will.,Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Bernadette: Sorry.,Man: You guys missed a pretty great time. ,"Sheldon: So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. ,Man: It was crazy. ,"Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Bernadette: Let’s go.,Amy: Why are you still here?,Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.,Amy: I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening.,"Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.,"Man: I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?",Sheldon: I’m sorry. 16?,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I get it.,Amy: Leave.,"Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: What is your problem?,Amy: It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.,Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?","Amy: Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.","Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count.",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.",Amy: That was nice.,Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.","Amy: Okay, have fun.",Sheldon: Muggles.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I’d known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s hysterical. She’ll love it.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Leonard: Oh, hey. You’re back. How was your trip?",Sheldon: All right. It was hell.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: It was wonderful. ,Leonard: Great. What did you do?,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.","Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.","Sheldon: Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy?",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,"Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.","Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you?",Sheldon: Don’t bother. I’ve wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.,0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.,"Leonard: Well, give it a go.","Sheldon: If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?",0
Series 07 Episode 15 – The Locomotive Manipulation,Sheldon: I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.,Leonard: Additional data. You dog.,"Sheldon: I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Howard: He said it.,"Bernadette: Guys, you’re being childish.","Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Penny: Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.","Leonard: Oh, I’m sorry.",Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Amy: Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.,"Raj: Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.","Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Leonard: I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.","Penny: Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?",Sheldon: Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?,"Howard: Hey, how come we never get that option?",Sheldon: I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us?",Sheldon: Thank you for driving me.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.","Leonard: Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working?",Sheldon: So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.",Leonard: Are you really gonna sit here all day?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.","Leonard: If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway.",Sheldon: Hurry. We’re going to be late.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.",Leonard: I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it.,Sheldon: Now.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.","Leonard: Oh, hang on. Check your in-box.","Sheldon: Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.,Leonard: Huh?,"Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.",Leonard: Nary an argument? Nary?,Sheldon: You know I don’t drive.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window.",Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.,"Penny: Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it.",Sheldon: I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.,"Penny: Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair shot.","Sheldon: If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?",Leonard: We’re not.,Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Penny: Yes.,Leonard: That.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Penny: Me?,"Leonard: Well, it’s always me, take one for the team.",Sheldon: Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Leonard: Fancy sounds like a compliment.,"Penny: Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you.",Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: That’s not true.,"Penny: Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.",Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Penny: Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.","Leonard: You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.",Sheldon: I can’t date Amy.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.","Leonard: Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked.",Sheldon: You mean dating?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Penny: Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.,"Leonard: Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog.","Sheldon: Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental?",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, wait.","Sheldon: I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Penny: Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sex?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? I’ll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship, so just sign this with your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.","Amy: I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?","Sheldon: Yes, Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.","Amy: Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me.","Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: It doesn’t?,Amy: Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.,"Sheldon: Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?","Amy: All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on?","Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: It is hideous.,"Amy: Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey.",Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?,Amy: Of course I was.,Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?,"Amy: I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.",Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?,"Amy: I think you’d be smart enough to see that, too.",Sheldon: Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Bernadette: You’re right, it’s great.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Leonard: Oh, hey. You guys didn’t break up.",Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.",Amy: Which you also figured out by yourself.,"Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Which I also figured out by myself.,"Penny: Well, I’m glad you’re still together.",Sheldon: No one ever does. That’s why it happens.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.",Amy: Which is stronger than ever.,"Sheldon: Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.","Howard: But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.","Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: Um.,Amy: You don’t need to explain yourself to him.,Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to you!,Amy: You’re sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.,"Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.",0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,"Bernadette: Yeah, it’s fun up here.",Leonard: So why are you trying to ruin it?,Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.,0
Series 07 Episode 16 – The Table Polarisation,Raj: Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.,Howard: You mean tings like moo-stache?,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Howard: Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.",Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?,Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Penny: Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.,Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.,"Sheldon: In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in.,"Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.",Sheldon: Curse you.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.,"Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.",Sheldon: You’re bluffing.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Leonard: I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.",Amy: I think we’re gonna go.,Sheldon: What’s life without whimsy?,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.,"Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do.","Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Amy: I think we’re gonna go.,"Leonard: No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.",Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.",Howard: I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here.,Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Raj: Ha-a-a. Still funny.,Bernadette: That was ten years ago.,"Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Howard: The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.,Raj: I was there. It was funny.,"Sheldon: Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,Howard: Hey.,"Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Hello.,"Howard: Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends.","Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.,"Howard: Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off.",Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward?,"Howard: Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other.",Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.","Howard: Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre.",Sheldon: Be more specific.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?,Howard: No.,Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Raj: Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.",Scene: Penny’s car.,Sheldon: Who’s going to tell whom about what?,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy.,"Penny: Oh, it’s no problem. Is everything okay?",Sheldon: I have no difficulty believing you’re not butter.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.","Penny: Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good.",Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…","Penny: Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.",Sheldon: Counting this instance? 317.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Leonard: Are we playing individual or teams?,Raj: Teams are fun.,"Sheldon: Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Leonard: At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.","Penny: How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life.","Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.","Penny: I’m sorry, is the fact that my life’s falling apart interfering with your board game?","Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Bernadette: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.,Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.,"Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Howard: Hey, buddy.",Bernadette: You excited for Texas?,"Sheldon: In what universe is this low-pulp? Good morning, Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, very much so.",Howard: It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut.,Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Oh, who’s the real astronaut?",Howard: Buzz Aldrin.,Sheldon: What’s going on?,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Oh. Yay.,Scene: An airplane. ,"Sheldon: Thank you. Lift with your knees, not your back. Good night.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard?",Howard: What now?,"Sheldon: All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.,Howard: You just went to the bathroom.,Sheldon: I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.","Howard: Well, it still doesn’t.",Sheldon: He must be very skilled at coitus.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.",Howard: Fine.,Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed?,"Howard: I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.",Sheldon: Make it so.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Like when?,"Howard: When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous.",Sheldon: Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.",Howard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?,Howard: No.,"Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom.,Howard: Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence?,"Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.","Howard: Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Raj: Not my best first date. Yeah, but not my worst, either.",Scene: The airplane.,"Sheldon: Thank you. Raj, keep an eye out for the other one.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: I’m sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you.,"Howard: I’m sorry, too. It’s all my fault.",Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,"Sheldon: If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life.","Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.",0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Announcement: The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.,Howard: It’s over.,Sheldon: Not my world.,0
Series 07 Episode 17 – The Friendship Turbulence,Sheldon: Yeah.,Howard: Should we stop holding hands now?,Sheldon: How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.,Scene: A hire car.,"Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head.,Howard: Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech.,"Sheldon: One of my best, don’t you think?",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz?,Howard: We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.,"Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.,"Howard: Oh, boy.",Sheldon: I should’ve brought an umbrella.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.,"Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie.",Sheldon: Go ahead.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.",Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.,Sheldon: Good what?,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.",Howard: What’s wrong?,Sheldon: There you go.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Nothing.,"Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on.","Sheldon: That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Scene: A bar in Texas.,Howard: You ready to talk about it?,Sheldon: There’s doubt?,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?,"Howard: Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?",Sheldon: Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate?,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?,"Howard: Well, did she see you in the window?","Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: No.,Howard: Then don’t say anything.,"Sheldon: (voice off): I don’t have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I’m there already!",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?","Howard: Well, don’t do it on the phone.","Sheldon: (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.","Howard: That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off.",Sheldon: (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.","Howard: Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.",Sheldon: (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Penny: Really? You think I’m putting this body through three kids?,Scene: Sheldon’s childhood home.,"Sheldon: And of course, you’ve already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Okay, let’s do this.",Howard: Good luck.,Sheldon: And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: You, aren’t you gonna come with me?",Howard: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.,"Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?","Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here.","Sheldon: Elizabeth’s my friend, and you’re playing with her!",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.,Mrs Cooper: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Not Penny, me!",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.","Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?,"Mrs Cooper: That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.",Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Who was he?,Mrs Cooper: His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him?,Mrs Cooper: A few months.,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?",Mrs Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.","Mrs Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.","Sheldon: Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Or what?,Mrs Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.,"Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.,Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.,Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.,Mrs Cooper: Go to your room.,"Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: But I’m a professional scientist.,Mrs: Go to your room!,"Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Scene: Sheldon’s old bedroom.,"Howard: Hey, can I come in?","Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m going to relieve myself.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.,"Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.",Sheldon: Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.,"Howard: You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.",Sheldon: Morning.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.",Howard: I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.,Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I didn’t know she did.,"Howard: Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.","Sheldon: Oh, let me just get one thing. It’s my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn’t pass through here. Now, good night. And if there’s an apocalypse, good luck.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: What did you do?,"Howard: Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.","Sheldon: Sleep well, my friend.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.",Howard: All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.,Sheldon: Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Howard: And the healing begins.,Scene: Mrs Cooper’s living room.,"Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Mrs Cooper: Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults?","Sheldon: He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: I am.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.","Sheldon: Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?","Mrs Cooper: You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.","Sheldon: In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?,"Mrs Cooper: Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is.","Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There’s a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.",Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you.,"Sheldon: Get it together, man.",0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.",Mrs Cooper: How old do you think I am?,Sheldon: From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.",Mrs Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?,Sheldon: You’re just misappropriating my understanding.,0
Series 07 Episode 18 – The Mommy Observation,"Sheldon: Well, someone has to.","Mrs Cooper: Oh, dear Lord.","Sheldon: No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Boy, do I have to urinate.",Leonard: If only there were a solution to that.,"Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis.,Leonard: So go to the bathroom.,Sheldon: I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: I can’t.,Leonard: Why not?,"Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?","Leonard: Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Leonard: Oh, that’s great.","Penny: I know. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.","Sheldon: Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Raj: Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.",Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Sheldon: I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: So, first there was PlayStation, aka PS1, then PS2, PS3 and now PS4. And that makes sense. You’d think after Xbox, there’d be Xbox 2. But no, next came Xbox 360. Hmm? And now, after 360, comes Xbox One. Why one? Maybe that’s how many seconds of thought they put into naming it.","Amy: Can you get the butter, please?","Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.",Amy: Then get the other one. Pass the butter.,"Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.,"Amy: Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention.",Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.",Amy: No way.,"Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.","Amy: Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat.",Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.",Amy: Included?,Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.",Amy: Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts?,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.,"Amy: Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Who’s they?","Sheldon: When I’ve seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Xbox.,Amy: You’re kidding.,"Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Leonard: So it’s a family film.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Thank you again for dinner.,Amy: You’re welcome.,"Sheldon: A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Good night.,"Amy: Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something?",Sheldon: Go ahead.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?",Amy: No.,"Sheldon: My room, of course.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Penny: Wow.,"Leonard: Okay, that’s enough.","Sheldon: I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?","Raj: Uh, Xbox One.","Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: Huh?,"Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: PS4.,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Wolowitz?,Howard: Both great.,"Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Bernadette?,Bernadette: I like the Wii.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Scene: An electrical store.,"Amy: I’m proud of you, Sheldon.","Sheldon: That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.","Amy: Well, that’s got to be a good feeling.",Sheldon: I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Oh, it is. Although.","Amy: Oh, crap.",Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.,Amy: You were just a little kid.,Sheldon: Do you have allergies?,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.",Amy: How old were you then?,Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.",Amy: What’s a Zune?,Sheldon: Hold.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.","Amy: No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research.","Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: But what if I’m wrong?,Amy: You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both?,"Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.,Amy: Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre.,Sheldon: I can still eat.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?","Amy: How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.",Sheldon: It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Interesting.,"Amy: So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One.",Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.,0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll try.",Amy: What is it?,"Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Raj: Really? Because I’m dating two women is basically the only cool thing I can say about myself.,Scene: The electrical store.,"Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Amy: I can’t feel my legs.,"Store assistant: Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Store assistant: You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.,"Amy: Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat.","Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.",0
Series 07 Episode 19 – The Indecision Amalgamation,Sheldon: Okay.,"Amy: What-what do you want, like, Thai food? A burger?",Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Raj: Yeah, literally, none of it.","Leonard: What do you think about it, Sheldon?","Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Meh.,"Raj: Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?","Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?","Leonard: Oh, my God, you’re jealous.",Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Why would I be jealous?,"Leonard: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.",Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.","Barry: Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.",Sheldon: You may want to sit down.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?,"Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything.",Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.,"Barry: Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.",Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Hey, you’re up early.",Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep.,Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: No, that’s not it.",Penny: Is something bothering you?,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.","Penny: Oh, come on, try me.","Sheldon: Yes, there are.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.","Penny: Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.",Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: You mean your acting career?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: I got lost.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard?,Penny: No.,"Sheldon: I told you, walking.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college?,"Penny: No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.","Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I’m in Jewish hell.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: I said Leonard, you said no.",Penny: I’m talking about other guys.,Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, what do you do?","Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.",Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Penny: I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.","Leonard: Penny, have you seen my good inhaler?","Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Raj: Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.,Howard: She is. But I like that attitude.,"Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?",Raj: You’re really going to do this?,Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.",Howard: You’re reading Cosmo?,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.",Howard: What’s this?,"Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.","Leonard: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship?","Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.",Raj: It’s going to be okay.,Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Are you sure you want to do this?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll?","Penny (treating Sheldon as a ventriloquist doll): Oh my God, I do look like that.","Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: You stop it.,"Penny: So, how do you want me to cut it?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back.",Penny: Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little.,"Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Penny: Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?,"Leonard: That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?",Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.","Penny: Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.",Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.,"Penny: Okay, what do you think?","Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Penny: Doesn’t it?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Penny: I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?","Amy: Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.",Sheldon: Which way are you going?,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold. What are you doing?","Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?",Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?,Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Penny: Wait. What’s wrong with geology?,"Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.",Sheldon: Have you considered studying standard model physics?,"Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.",Amy: Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.,"Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.",Leonard: What about loop quantum gravity?,Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Leonard: Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.","Penny: Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.",Amy: How does that happen?,"Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.,"Penny: Okay, how about we toast your newfound freedom?","Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Come on, let’s get you to bed. You’ve had a lot to drink.","Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: No more than Penny.,Amy: That’s what I’m saying.,"Sheldon: Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Emily: Been there.,"Scene: Sheldon, waking up in bed next to a Geology book.","Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: How you feeling?,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Not so good.,Leonard: Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?,"Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.,Leonard: I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.,"Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?","Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.",Sheldon: Which one picks last?,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Scene: The cafeteria..,Howard: You’re awful quiet. Everything okay?,Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening.,"Howard: Ugh. Me, too. What happened?","Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).",0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,Sheldon: I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.,Howard: I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.,Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Sheldon: Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?","Howard: Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.",Sheldon: I’m hungry now.,0
Series 07 Episode 20 – The Relationship Diremption,"Howard: Get out of here, Barry.","Barry: Whatever you say, Cwogziwwa.","Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.,"Penny: Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.",Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance.",Leonard: Sure. What’s up?,"Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?","Leonard: Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter.",Sheldon: Bazinga.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?","Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.,"Penny: Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say?","Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.,"Leonard: Great, what do you want to do?","Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: What can we do that’s different?,Penny: What can we do that’s free?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza.",Penny: Are you kidding? That’s what you always do. Think harder.,"Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Penny: Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.","Leonard: You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant.","Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Leonard: Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?",Penny: No. Bernadette’s working late.,Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Amy’s sick.,Leonard: Aw. What’s wrong with her?,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.",Leonard: That’s not what I meant.,Sheldon: Wheaton!,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?",Leonard: What ails her?,"Sheldon: No, I suppose not.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Raj: Not that one.,Scene: The street. ,"Sheldon: You did this, didn’t you?",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: So, we’re just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?",Penny: Yep.,"Sheldon: Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over!",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.","Leonard: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?","Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.,Penny: What the hell? What? She’s not working late.,"Sheldon: All right, remember, his meemaw’s alive and be the ball.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: And Amy doesn’t look sick.,Penny: Why would they lie to us?,"Sheldon: Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: A bar.,Penny: You’re not working late. Why did you lie to me?,"Sheldon: Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Leonard: I also love you.,"Penny: Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.",Sheldon: He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Where are we going?,"Penny: We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do.",Sheldon: Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: A restaurant. Sheldon makes an “unsure” noise.,Penny: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: Thank you, Jesus! As my mother would say.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.,Penny: It’s fusion.,Sheldon: Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.,Penny: Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie?,Sheldon: You weren’t the ball.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Not at all.,Penny: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.","Penny: Hey, I don’t understand why you’re not upset with Amy.",Sheldon: That’s not even from your franchise!,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: The restaurant.,"Penny: Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.",Sheldon: I so loathe you.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.","Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.","Penny: Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one.","Sheldon: No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: No, it’s not.",Penny: How is that not good?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.","Penny: Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours.","Sheldon: Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?,Penny: Not with money. Read.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not the… Never mind.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Scene: The street. Outside a psychic’s shop.,"Penny: Oh, I think I see our next stop.",Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.","Penny: No, come on, tonight we are trying new things.","Sheldon: What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Bernadette: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.",Scene: The psychic shop.,"Sheldon: It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: I don’t mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I’d just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you’re a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence.","Penny: All right, Sheldon, just ask your question.","Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley “Crushers.”",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it?","Penny: Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.","Sheldon: Attention, all bowlers. I’ve taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Penny: Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.","Psychic: All right, why don’t we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there’s a woman in your life you’re having problems with.","Sheldon: All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Psychic: Does she have dark hair?,"Penny: Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire.","Sheldon: Oh, I think we both know the answer to that question.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.",Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?,Sheldon: He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,"Penny: Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.",Psychic: Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.,Sheldon: When are you going to talk to him?,0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Raj: And play.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.",0
Series 07 Episode 21 – The Anything Can Happen Recurrence,Sheldon: Hello. I didn’t expect you this evening.,"Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you.",Sheldon: The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Penny: So, when is it?","Leonard: Uh, well, it’s not May the fifth, and it’s not May the third. It’s May the fourth.",Sheldon: And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Credits sequence.,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door.,Sheldon: I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Come in.,"Leonard: Hey, you got a second?","Sheldon: No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news.","Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: What is it?,Leonard: I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away.,"Sheldon: I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Professor Proton is dead?,"Leonard: Sorry, buddy.",Sheldon: This is for you.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: What are you doing?,Leonard: Comforting you?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.","Leonard: Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday.","Sheldon: A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it’s really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: But, that’s Star Wars Day.","Leonard: Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you.","Sheldon: Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Professor Proton (on youtube): This, uh, this is something interesting boys and girls. After an owl eats, he spits up part of his meal that he can’t digest, in the form of a pellet. Is, isn’t that a hoot? We’ll be right back after I fire my writers. (Owl hoots) Oh, shut up.",Amy: Watching your old friend?,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.",Amy: Do you want me to go to the funeral with you?,"Sheldon: I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.",Amy: Why not?,"Sheldon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.",Amy: Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye?,Sheldon: I know where my feet have been.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.",Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you’ve seen hundreds of times isn’t?,Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Penny: Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?","Raj: Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything?",Sheldon: Please reserve that butch spirit for the lanes.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you.",Howard: You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?,Sheldon: Pacific Daylight time!,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Penny: Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral?","Sheldon: Remember, seven o’clock.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?","Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star. Why do I know this?",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Penny: Yeah.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Raj: Ugh, let’s get this over with.","Howard: Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time.","Sheldon: Good, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o’clock.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Raj: You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.","Howard: Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters.",Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?,Raj: It was just a suggestion.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Howard: Obviously.,"Scene: Sheldon, dreaming he is in the living room of the apartment on his laptop.",Sheldon: But I sense you’re going to and I don’t want to hear about it. Excuse me.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Look at Arthur, cracking up at a joke I told him. I’ll never hear that laugh again.",Arthur: You never heard it that time.,Sheldon: Of course they are. Leonard’s being one.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.,"Arthur: I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years.","Sheldon: For the record, giant rats are possible.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why are you here?,"Arthur: I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.","Sheldon: Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.,"Arthur: I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet?","Sheldon: Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.","Arthur: Well, that, that clears that up.",Sheldon: Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.,"Arthur: Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back.","Sheldon: You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.,"Arthur: Oh, wait. What, what, what is, what is this?","Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Scene: Sheldon’s dream.,"Arthur: Where, where, where are we?",Sheldon: What do I search?,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.,Arthur: Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida.,"Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants?",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?","Arthur: Um, always, get, get a prenup.","Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I’m having about the events of last night?",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.,"Arthur: Well, why, why do you think I’m here?","Sheldon: Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.,"Arthur: Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you?",Sheldon: I’m ready.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.","Arthur: Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too.","Sheldon: I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.","Arthur: I’m, I’m sorry about that.",Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Sheldon: And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.","Arthur: Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you.",Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Arthur: Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)","Leonard: Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right?",Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I’m okay. How was the funeral?,"Leonard: It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch?","Sheldon: Oh, dear.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.,"Leonard: Sheldon, that, that’ll take us all night.","Sheldon: If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,"Amy: Hey, guys.",Bernadette: Happy Star Wars Day.,"Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Bernadette: Son of a bitch.,"Scene: The same, everyone is falling asleep.","Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: You’re back.,"Arthur: Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me.",Sheldon: Go on.,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: That’s nice.,"Arthur: May, maybe for you.",Sheldon: And how did that make you feel?,0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: Why do I need you now?,"Arthur: Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars.","Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.",0
Series 07 Episode 22 – The Proton Transmogrification,Sheldon: So?,"Arthur: I mean, don’t, don’t you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you’re spending your limited time on Earth?","Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz.,Amy: Should we do something for her?,Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.,"Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.","Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Penny: Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.,Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat.,Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.","Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.","Sheldon: That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Howard: As advertised.,Scene: A cinema.,Sheldon: Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.,Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?,Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.,Raj: Is that a real thing?,Sheldon: In the prom department.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Emily: Oh, hey, Raj.","Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily.",Sheldon: Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.","Raj: Yeah, okay.",Sheldon: That’s a lot of money for only one colour.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: That was awkward, right?",Raj: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: It’s only one colour.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?,Raj: Yes.,Sheldon: Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Scene: The apartment.,Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.,Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.",Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.,"Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?","Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.","Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?",Raj: Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?,"Sheldon: Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.,"Raj: But you don’t have sex with her, either.","Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Slick, huh?","Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.",Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?,Raj: No.,Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Scene: The apartment.,"Raj: I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?",Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.",Raj: What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.,"Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.,Raj: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?,Raj: Eleven.,Sheldon: I’m sorry. Proceed.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?,Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?,Sheldon: That’s what my sister used to say.,0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,Sheldon: Sure.,Raj: I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.,"Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.",0
Series 07 Episode 23 – The Gorilla Dissolution,"Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?","Raj: Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.","Sheldon: Okay, but don’t punch me.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Howard: Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.","Bernadette: She’s just so impossible, they keep quitting.","Sheldon: And yet, you can’t speak to women.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.","Leonard: Hey, buddy.","Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: You okay?,Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.,Howard: Why?,"Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.","Leonard: That’s a rude thing to say, out loud.",Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Howard: You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.","Leonard: Whatever you do, just don’t make any rash decisions.","Sheldon: That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What you working on?,"Sheldon: I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.",Leonard: Oh. How’s it going?,Sheldon: I do like the X-Men.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.",Leonard: It’s nice that you called them esteemed.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: You’re right. I’ll take that out.,"Leonard: So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.","Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Mm.,"Leonard: Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.",Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you?,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.",Leonard: I’m not.,"Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.","Leonard: Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live.",Sheldon: Don’t trample me.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: What do you mean?,"Leonard: Well, well, we might want to live together.","Sheldon: I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.)",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.",Leonard: That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.,Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?,"Leonard: Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.",Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Where are you going to go?,"Leonard: I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.","Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?,"Leonard: No, I did not.",Sheldon: I’m not accepting the award.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?","Leonard: Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.",Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.,"Leonard: Well, yeah.",Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Wow.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: How dare the university force me to go back to string theory?,Amy: They just don’t appreciate you.,"Sheldon: I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It’s not astonishing, more like inevitable. I’m not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I’m going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.","Amy: Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik.",Sheldon: I won?,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.","Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.","Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.",Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain.,"Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?",Amy: See? Maybe you’ll love living alone.,Sheldon: I knew it. Give us the precious!,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I don’t know. Perhaps.,"Amy: And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together.","Sheldon: I’ve done it! I’ve won! The ring is mine! It’s mine! (He runs to the bathroom) We’re going to clean it up and make it pretty. My own. My love. My precious. (He looks in the mirror and has turned into golem. He screams and wakes up, still on the settee.) Where’s the ring?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?","Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.",Sheldon: Excellent choice.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.",Amy: It tastes the same.,"Sheldon: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Amy: Right.,Scene: The comic book store.,"Sheldon: Oh-ho-ho, it’s working all right. I have to pee.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: No.,"Stuart: Hey, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: What happened?,Stuart: I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.,Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: And you couldn’t put it out?,"Stuart: I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.",Sheldon: Waterfalls!,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: So when will you reopen?,"Stuart: Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.",Sheldon: I said stop it!,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: So, tomorrow?","Stuart: I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.",Sheldon: Stop it!,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.","Stuart: Well, sorry I let you down.",Sheldon: Never.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.",Stuart: That’ll be $2.99.,Sheldon: I don’t want to hear this.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Really? It’s soaking wet.,"Stuart: Fine, a dollar.",Sheldon: No! I call no Meemaws.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?,"Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.","Sheldon: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Scene: The train station.,Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: You tracked my phone?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.",Penny: We were worried about you.,"Sheldon: No, it’s mine.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.,Leonard: Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.,Sheldon: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.,"Leonard: Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.","Sheldon:  It’s not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I’d have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.,Penny: And go where?,Sheldon: Ow! You hit me! I’m bleeding!,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: It doesn’t matter.,Leonard: So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?,Sheldon: Looking for something?,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.,"Leonard: Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.",Sheldon: I’ll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.,Leonard: Then what can I do?,Sheldon: I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Leonard: I know, but…","Penny: He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.","Sheldon: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,"Penny: Seriously, let him go.","Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.",Sheldon: You mean my ring?,0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Leonard: Okay. Good luck.,Penny: Be safe and call us.,"Sheldon: We can’t sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: I will.,"Leonard: Bye, buddy. Sheldon?","Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?",0
Series 07 Episode 24 – The Status Quo Combustion,Sheldon: Yes?,Leonard: I’m gonna miss you.,"Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Following a “previously on” sequence.,Scene: A railway station. Sheldon is wearing no trousers.,"Sheldon: If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you’re knitting a pair of pants? Oh, well, no, you’re understandably terrified. But, you know, allow me to explain. 45 days ago, um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing because my university was making me do string theory, and my favorite comic book store burned down, and when my room mate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me, which was no doubt a ploy just to see my, well, excuse my language, but my bathing suit parts. Uh, sir, may I use your phone?",Man: I don’t think so.,"Sheldon: Yes, there is. Oh, here’s a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Penny: Hi. Want to do yoga with me?,"Leonard: Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello?",Sheldon: It’s not Elvish. It’s the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Hello, Leonard.","Leonard: Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice.",Sheldon: It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.",Leonard: I’d love to. I’m just about to do yoga with Penny.,Sheldon: Fascinating.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.","Leonard: Oh, my God, are you okay?","Sheldon: No, what’s sad is that you don’t know Adam West was TV’s Batman.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Penny: Oh., ,"Sheldon: Who’s Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,",Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Hurry.,"Leonard: Sheldon, hang tight. Hey, do you want me to bring anything?","Sheldon: Well, it’s very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I’m the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Howard: I said well past it.,Scene: Kingman Police Station.,"Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Officer Hernandez? Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?",Hernandez: Not yet.,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?",Hernandez: Nope.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not much of a sports fan, but thank you.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Raj: It wouldn’t kill you to pick up the phone.,Scene: Kingman Police Station.,Sheldon: You said we were invited.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Any word on my stolen items?,Hernandez: We’re doing everything we can.,Sheldon: We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.",Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.",Amy: Are you okay?,"Sheldon: This is Stan Lee’s front door. We were on Stan Lee’s curb, then we were on Stan Lee’s walk, and now we’re at Stan Lee’s front door.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?","Amy: What do you mean, why did I come? You’re my boyfriend. I haven’t seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don’t you have anything to say besides why did you come?","Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Leonard: So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip. Where’d you go?","Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.",Leonard: How were they?,"Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.",Leonard: Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station?,Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee?,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.,"Leonard: I’m sorry, so you never went outside?","Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Penny: Oh, my God, no.",Scene: Leonard’s car.,Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: At the hot dog stand in the Denver train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Salt Lake City train station, Heinz ketchup. At the hot dog stand in the Indianapolis train station?",Leonard: I don’t care.,Sheldon: You know very well how it went.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?",Amy: Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours?,Sheldon: Please tell the judge I’m ready to apologize.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: I just thought you were bad at the game.,"Amy: I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me?",Sheldon: That’s the toilet?,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?",Amy: We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?,Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.",Leonard: What’s the big deal?,"Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailor?",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Amy: Can I stop now?,Leonard: Just tell her.,Sheldon: That’s my spot.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.,Amy: You were worried about that?,Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Yes.,"Amy: Sheldon, it’s okay with me that you’re not perfect.","Sheldon: Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Can I have one more moment with Leonard?,Amy: Sure.,Sheldon: I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Stuart: That’s right, sucka.",Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Amy: But you still accomplished something.,"Leonard: Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said?","Sheldon: Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Leonard: Exactly. Right after they said yeah.,Amy: But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure.,"Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.",Amy: See? This trip was good for you.,"Sheldon: Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.",Leonard: Butterfly could’ve gotten himself home from Arizona.,Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,All: Hey.,"Penny: Hey, look who’s back.",Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.",0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,Sheldon: Would you like to see pictures from my trip?,Penny: I thought your phone got stolen.,Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.",Leonard: And you thought they all had a silver lining.,Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.,0
Series 08 Episode 01 – The Locomotion Interruption,"Sheldon: Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.",Penny: I cannot believe you travelled the entire country and never left the train station.,"Sheldon: Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.","Howard: Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.","Sheldon: Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.","Raj: But half-man, half-owl could fly…",Sheldon: That’s just wrong.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Bernadette: Great. When?,Penny: I said I’ll get to it.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?",Amy: Yes.,Sheldon: Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Bernadette: Couldn’t hurt.,"Leonard: Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?","Sheldon: Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.,Scene: Mrs Davis’ office.,Sheldon: Howard?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs. Davis. (Knock, knock, knock) Guess who?",Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper.,Sheldon: Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?","Mrs Davis: Yes. Uh, welcome back.","Sheldon: Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?,"Mrs Davis: You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.","Sheldon: Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?","Mrs Davis: Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.","Sheldon: You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?","Mrs Davis: Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like.","Sheldon: I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.",Mrs Davis: That is correct.,Sheldon: I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?,Mrs Davis: Yes.,Sheldon: But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Raj: Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney.","Leonard: Hey, how’d it go with human resources?",Sheldon: So you betrayed me?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.",Raj: I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?,"Sheldon: Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: What a stupid question.,Leonard: The kids are gonna love him.,"Sheldon: Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.,"Leonard: This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong.","Sheldon: Yes, it is.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.",Raj: You enjoy giving people grades.,"Sheldon: November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.",Howard: And you love the sound of your own voice.,Sheldon: A summons for what?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.","Leonard: Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.",Sheldon: It bothers me.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.,Leonard: Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?,"Sheldon: Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: There is no class.,Howard: Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already?,"Sheldon: I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: No one signed up.,"Leonard: Well, that’s not your fault.",Sheldon: Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Leonard: What?,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry.","Sheldon: Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.","Raj: Aw, you brought cookies for everyone?",Sheldon: There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.","Howard: Hey, what if I took your class?",Sheldon: What is it about the word unique you don’t understand?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Raj: What’s wrong with you?,"Howard: I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?","Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Raj: Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.","Howard: Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class.",Sheldon: I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: No.,Howard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Well, look who thinks he’s Stuart’s uncle now.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?,Howard: I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?","Howard: I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign.",Sheldon: Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?","Howard: Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough?","Sheldon: Not my problem. I just don’t understand how this happened to me. I’m scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: No.,"Howard: Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.",Sheldon: You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: The stairwell.,"Amy: So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.",Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?,"Amy: Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more.",Sheldon: With the little stars?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.",Amy: But I’m just…,Sheldon: Chicken?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Hmm. You’re up late.,"Sheldon: Great. I’ll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it’s the cholermus.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.","Leonard: Sheldon, why are you doing this?",Sheldon: With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates’ house should I be invited.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.","Leonard: No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?","Sheldon: I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.","Leonard: You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it.","Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.",Leonard: Might be something to think about.,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Scene: Sheldon’s classroom.,Howard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin.","Howard: Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot.","Sheldon: Yes, that good news.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.,Howard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?",Howard: I am.,Sheldon: Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?,Howard: It’s an inverted cycloid.,"Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?",Howard: That’s where I’m a little fuzzy.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Bye-bye.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.","Howard (singing): All I do is win, win, win no matter what.","Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Howard (singing): Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there!",Sheldon: You will?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Howard: If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now…",Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.,Howard: Okay.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?",Howard: Making a straw.,"Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Why?,Howard: So I can shoot you with a spitball.,Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Bernadette: Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.","Amy: You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.","Sheldon: Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Well?,"Leonard: Sheldon, I promise. Your uvula does not have an STD.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to.,Howard: You reported me to human resources?,Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you.,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: You violated the sanctity of my mouth.,"Howard: Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy.","Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Sheldon: I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.,"Howard: I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you.","Sheldon: What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,"Sheldon: Yeah, try me.","Howard: Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?",Sheldon: It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?,0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Raj: Is that right?,"Howard: Yeah. Okay, how do you prevent eddy currents in a transformer?","Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.",0
Series 08 Episode 02 – The Junior Professor Solution,Leonard: Yes. (Cheers) ,"Howard: Okay, this one is for a Cadbury Creme Egg.","Sheldon: I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Howard: What’s that about?,Raj: I’m heckling you. It’s a beloved part of baseball.,"Sheldon: Morning, old chum.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Howard: Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.",Penny: That’s so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.,"Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Leonard: Now you know why we’re not outside.,Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?,"Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.",Sheldon: You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Amy: It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.,"Penny: Hey, how was dinner?","Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Amy: Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?",Penny: You guys are going out two nights in a row?,Sheldon: Very well.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: That’s so hot.,"Amy: It’s better than hot, it’s binding.",Sheldon: Is that your final decision?,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: Aw.,Amy: You are aware that a double date doesn’t count as two dates.,"Sheldon: I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: Sheldon, I’m surprised you’d choose to go to a pub.","Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.",Amy: I then suggested a pub.,"Sheldon: He can’t kill me, even if I turn.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.",Leonard: You don’t even like Yorkshire pudding.,"Sheldon: Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Amy: After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.",Leonard: Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive.,Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this?,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.",Penny: Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something?,"Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.","Leonard: You don’t honestly think that, do you?","Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Scene: Amy’s car.,"Leonard: Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t?",Sheldon: Shame on you! That’s no dream for a scientist!,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: For starters, we enjoy spending time together.",Leonard: So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.,Sheldon: Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: It’s called parallel play.,"Leonard: Yeah, toddlers do that.",Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Leonard: You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.,Penny: So what? Why do you even care?,Sheldon: What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.",Leonard: Whatever. You can’t even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.,"Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Amy: So when do you guys plan on getting married?,"Penny: Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant.","Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: May I have one of your fries?,Amy: Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger?,"Sheldon: This is incredible! I’m so happy, I’m not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I’m just going to run home and start packing.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Absolutely not.,Leonard: Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her.,Sheldon: In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl?,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?,Leonard: I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified.,"Sheldon: Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn’t published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: A hundred.,"Leonard: Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.","Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal to witness a brutal murder?",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.","Penny: Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry.","Sheldon: In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Oh, what did those rascals do now?","Amy: They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour.","Sheldon: Actually, he might have to. There’s an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it’s not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.","Leonard: So, this is accurate?",Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t work here.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.","Penny: Well, kind of takes the romance out of relationships.",Sheldon: I do.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Hey, sorry about that.","Amy: No, we’re sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.",Sheldon: Yep.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.",Leonard: I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we’re a bad couple.,Sheldon: Nope.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.",Leonard: Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two.,Sheldon: Of course.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Penny: Leonard.,Amy: It would make me so happy if you said things like that.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Penny: Look at you, talking sports.","Leonard: This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.","Sheldon: All right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here’s your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It’s a little unconventional, but I think you’ll like it. It’s zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.,"Amy: Sheldon, what did you expect?","Sheldon: You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Sheldon: I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.","Amy: I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.","Sheldon: Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Sheldon: Who’s the bobblehead of?,Amy: Does it matter?,"Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,Bernadette: Why is it going so slow?,Howard: ‘Cause I’m an idiot who didn’t think this through.,"Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.",0
Series 08 Episode 03 – The First Pitch Insufficiency,"Howard: Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.","Man in Crowd: You suck, Wolowitz!",Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Scene: The cafeteria.,Leonard: Have you guys heard about this research team that’s trying to transgenically manipulate chicken DNA to create some sort of chicken dinosaur?,"Sheldon: Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman’s terms, string theory.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Oh, I think that sounds wonderful.",Howard: What? You’re afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens.,Sheldon: I don’t drive.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Raj: Hey, guys.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: That seems acceptable.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Raj: We still on for tomorrow night?,Leonard: Yeah. I’m excited to finally meet your girlfriend.,Sheldon: What’s sheetrock?,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.",Howard: Since when do you read social science?,Sheldon: One question.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Bernadette: Long story short, they have seven HBOs.","Raj: Hey, guys.",Sheldon: I could do that.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Penny: Hey, I hear you’re a dermatologist.","Emily: Uh, yeah, I’m a resident at Huntington Hospital.","Sheldon: Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Penny: Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.",Emily: Yeah. I’m sure that’d be fine.,Sheldon: You didn’t really type.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Amy: I’d say it now, but look at those cheekbones.",Scene: Capital Comics.,Sheldon: Shouldn’t you check your database?,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Howard: Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?","Raj: You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company.","Sheldon: I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Leonard: Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?","Howard: All I know is, he’s got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate, why doesn’t he just use an angora rabbit?",Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: That does sound fun.,"Raj: Ooh, maybe we could come up with a business plan to compete with this place.","Sheldon: No, I wasn’t talking to Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Penny: No. Yeah.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Howard: You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.","Raj: Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?",Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Howard: Toy stores, puppet shows.","Leonard: Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?","Sheldon: Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Penny: Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.",Raj: Great.,"Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.","Raj: You, okay? It’s you. You’re, you’re next.",Sheldon: Albert Einstein.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Amy: Shh. Amy’s here now.,Scene: Capital Comics.,Sheldon: Einstein.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am about having our own store.",Howard: We’ll get to see all the new stuff before it hits the shelves.,"Sheldon: No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.",Howard: You say things like that all the time.,Sheldon: I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: Yeah.,"Leonard: Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list?","Sheldon: And that didn’t work out, did it?",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Sheldon: I’m sure she did.,Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: Your cell phone was off.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.",Leonard: Will you stay out of this?,Sheldon: I have good news.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Leonard: That’s true.,"Howard: Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.",Leonard: Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.",Howard: He’s right.,"Sheldon: You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: That’s how much buying a comic book store means to me.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: But I’m still working.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Sheldon: I’d like your honest opinion on something.,Amy: Of course.,"Sheldon: Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.","Amy: I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,"Sheldon: Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.","Amy: Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?","Sheldon: Oh, all right.",0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Sheldon: No.,Amy: Then I think it’s a terrific idea.,Sheldon: But I don’t want to go to bed.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Raj: I’m really disappointed we’re not gonna have our own comic book store.,Leonard: I know. I was looking forward to it.,Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.,0
Series 08 Episode 04 – The Hook-Up Reverbration,Howard: With comfy seats.,Raj: And snacks.,Sheldon: They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Leonard: We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it?,"Howard: Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.","Sheldon: I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.",Leonard: That’s not what happened.,"Sheldon: Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.,Howard: No one wants to hear it.,Sheldon: The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.",Leonard: Penny is not the reason I didn’t pursue that idea.,Sheldon: Good Lord! You’re ruining everything!,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.",Leonard: I think someone owes me an apology.,Sheldon: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.",Howard: You admit Amy’s a distraction?,Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. What would I do with corn?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,LeonardLike our own science retreat.,Howard: My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.,"Sheldon: Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?,Leonard: Then we’ll go to a hotel.,"Sheldon: Not lima beans, carbon atoms.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?,Raj: We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake.,"Sheldon: Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal…",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?,Raj: Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.,"Sheldon: Structure, constant structure. One atom…",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.",Leonard: Fine. Then we’ll just stay here and do it.,Sheldon: Unit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.",Leonard: You would go to a beach house?,"Sheldon: Electrons move through graphene, act as if they have no mass…",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.","Raj: For your information, Emily is working tonight.","Sheldon: You’re right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It’s a great idea, Leonard. Thank you.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.","Leonard: Okay, let’s focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let’s change the world.",Sheldon: I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.",Howard: Oh. I never saw that.,"Sheldon: Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Really?,"Raj: Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.",Sheldon: Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: Cool. I’ll make the popcorn.,"Leonard: Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV.",Sheldon: Then I’ve been up all night.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Howard: Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?,"Leonard: I, I think I still have it.",Sheldon: Is it morning?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Leonard: Robot prostitute.,Howard: Also mine.,Sheldon: I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: No, it vibrates. Keep going.","Leonard: You know, let’s just come up with something new.",Sheldon: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.",Leonard: How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality?,"Sheldon: Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Leonard: Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.","Raj: Oh, I have an idea.","Sheldon: That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: Hold on. Pause. Something doesn’t make sense. Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.","Leoanard: This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.","Sheldon: Please, Penny, as you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?",Leonard: What do you mean?,Sheldon: They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?,Leonard: Had will have placed?,Sheldon: I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: That’s my boy.,"Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline.","Sheldon: I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!",Howard: What?,"Sheldon: It will take me a few days to get settled. After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping the rest of my possessions to Bozeman, Montana. In the meantime, please forward my mail.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…",Leonard: Wait. Is brought right?,"Sheldon: All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct?",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?,Leonard: I don’t know. You did it to me.,"Sheldon: Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.",Leonard: Guys.,"Sheldon: Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?,"Leonard: Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.",Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.,Leonard: All right.,Sheldon: I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Leonard: So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.","Howard: Or if we could figure out a way to supercool the materials, we could utilize quantum coupling.","Sheldon: Fine. Good night to you, sir. Miss.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.",Leonard: I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work?,"Sheldon: And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?",Howard: Like behavior modification?,Sheldon: Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.,Howard: We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked.,Sheldon: Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.",Leonard: If only we had one.,"Sheldon: Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Raj: And I really can’t let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I’ve been cheating on her.,"Leonard: All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling…",Sheldon: Why would you knock over a lamp?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Sheldon: Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?","Leonard: I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also…",Sheldon: I heard a noise.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: Ow. We didn’t vote!,"Leonard: We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why?","Sheldon: Sheldon’s journal. Security system in place. However, sleep continues to elude me. I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses, and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice, I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks, probably playing Donkey Kong on my classic Nintendo. (Hears a noise. Goes to check, then panics and climbs out window onto ledge.) Oh, dear. I am the master of my own bladder. (Crawls along to Leonard’s window, where Leonard and Penny are inside being intimate. Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Howard: That’s ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.",Leonard: Thank you. And now I owe you one.,Sheldon: Better.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.",Leonard: Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working.,Sheldon: Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.,Howard: Negative reinforcement is really wrong?,"Sheldon: What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?",0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Howard: Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: What if someone steals my keys?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,"Raj: Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.",Leonard: It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight?,Sheldon: What if they cut the power?,0
Series 08 Episode 05 – The Focus Attenuation,Sheldon: But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.,"Leonard: So you’re, you’re saying we should stand here in my lab on a Saturday night and watch the rest of Ghostbusters on a crappy laptop?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny!",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Penny: Okay, good.","Bernadette: Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Listen to her, Jim.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.",Bernadette: Oh. What’s going on?,Sheldon: Bad idea.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Raj: You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.","Penny: Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine?",Sheldon: All right. I’ll take the first watch and wake you at 0400.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Why not?,Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.,"Sheldon: Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that?",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Bernadette: Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.,"Leonard: Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.",Sheldon: I do tonight. It’s scary over there.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon:Are they making fun of us?,Raj: Yup.,"Sheldon: It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: Sheldon’s office.,"Raj: Hey, Sheldon, you busy?","Sheldon: Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.",Raj: Don’t they lay eggs on a rock?,Sheldon: Uh-huh.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?,"Raj: So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees.",Sheldon: I see you’re drinking wine.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.","Raj: It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.",Sheldon: May I come in?,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.","Raj: Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.",Sheldon: Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Yeah? We have to be somewhere.,"Raj: Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.","Raj: Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.","Sheldon: All right, then. Good night.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.,Raj: Exactly.,Sheldon: Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Very well.,Raj: So where should we do it?,"Sheldon: We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.","Raj: Uh, Sheldon…","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Raj: Did you get in?,Amy: No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores.,Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder. Drat.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.",Raj: This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.,"Sheldon: Oh, how I wish I could.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.","Raj: Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.",Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Raj: We’re going to be fine.,"Amy: Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this.","Sheldon: Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.",Raj: I’m sweating already.,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.",Raj: How hot is it?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.","Raj: Well, that’s what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.",Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The steam tunnel. ,Raj: How you feeling?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Good. Little claustrophobic.,Raj: Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it.,"Sheldon: In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.,Raj: Do you know any mining songs?,Sheldon: When does the CSI team get here?,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.",Rajj: That’s pretty.,"Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.",Raj: It’s a little more bleak than I thought.,"Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.",Raj: Getting kind of grim.,"Sheldon: Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.",Raj: Okay. How ’bout a little Miley Cyrus next?,Sheldon: The TV is gone.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The steam tunnel. ,"Raj: So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.","Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?,Raj: But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?,Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.,Amy (shouting): You guys doing okay down there?,"Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the mobster sauce couldn’t possibly contain chunks of mobster.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: I told you to use the walkie-talkie!,Amy (on walkie-talkie): You guys doing okay down there?,Sheldon: Good idea. We’ll go to Corleone’s.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.,Amy: I’m going to the vending machine. Do you want anything?,"Sheldon: Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Amy: Okay, just checking.",Raj: We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.,"Sheldon: So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.,Raj: What if we brought them down with us?,"Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: We’ll take some Funyuns.,Amy: Anything else?,"Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The steam tunnel. ,"Raj: Oh, this heat is brutal.","Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.",Rajj: Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose. Come in. I’ll sleep in Leonard’s room. Good night.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.,Raj: How’s that going?,Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.","Raj: Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.","Sheldon: Good night, puny human! (He gets up and leaves).",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: We’re not stopping.,Raj: You don’t have to bite my head off.,Sheldon: Time for bed.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.","Raj: If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable.","Sheldon: You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: My struggle is emotional.,Raj: Oh. Is it Amy?,Sheldon: Hulk sad.,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.","Raj: Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager.",Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!,0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?,Raj: The space probe.,"Sheldon: Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Raj: By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.","Amy: Sheldon, is everything okay?","Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: Do you really need me to transcribe this?,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.",0
Series 08 Episode 06 – The Expedition Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.","Raj: You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You’re a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.",Sheldon: I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Scene: The building foyer. ,Man with Flowers: Thank you.,"Sheldon: It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.","Man: I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.",Sheldon: The dog… koira. The roof… katto. Grapes… ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis  n.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Sheldon: That’s humorous.,Man: All right.,Sheldon: We scored. I’m the wingman.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.",Man: All right.,Sheldon: Thank you. Have you chosen one to copulate with?,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.,Man: All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.,"Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.",Man: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.,"Leonard: Great timing, food just got here.",Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods),0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: I’m Sheldon. How do you do?,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce?","Leonard: No, but you can have mine.","Sheldon: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.",Leonard: What? Why didn’t you say that first?,Sheldon: Okay. What is your game?,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Leonard: Thank you. Sorry.,"Man: Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic.",Sheldon: Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.",Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Bernadette: Please don’t go. Up until my vicious attack, you were the one in the wrong.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?,"Man: Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn’t really get serious until William Shatner’s bladder infection.",Sheldon: All right. There’s a female.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Man: Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?","Leonard: Oh. Well, you know, just being myself, really.",Sheldon: And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Penny: Really? Why?,"Leonard: Ah, that’s a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.","Sheldon: They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Penny: Please, yes.",Leonard: I’ll be right back.,Sheldon: I would like a root beer float.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.,"Leonard: Oh, my God.",Sheldon: I don’t drink.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Raj: Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond.","Leonard: Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid.",Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?","Leonard: No, because I liked it.",Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.","Dr Lorvis: So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny.","Sheldon: Tell her you’re a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.","Dr Lorvis: So, you think she’ll be single soon?","Sheldon: Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.","Dr Lorvis: Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something.","Sheldon: Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.,0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement.,"Leonard: Next game, let’s switch helmets.","Sheldon: One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,"Raj: Okay, now you’re messing with me.","Leonard: Uh, guys, we’re locked in here.","Sheldon: Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.",0
Series 08 Episode 07 – The Misinterpretation Agitation,Penny: Just walk.,Scene: Dr Lorvis’ basement. ,"Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Leonard: Don’t rule out the dating.,"Howard: Fine, it bothers me. You happy?","Sheldon: Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.,Howard: How is this helpful?,Sheldon: That’s a semantically null sentence.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.,Leonard: But the gibbon doesn’t know what it’s categorized as. It doesn’t even know it’s called a gibbon.,Sheldon: I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Howard: Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.",Raj: Did you go to your prom?,Sheldon: The zoot suit riots.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Stuart: I got to go, bye.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny: You knocked more than usual.,"Sheldon: Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.","Penny: Okay, what’s up?","Sheldon: All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.","Penny: Great, how?","Sheldon: Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.","Penny: Okay, just one question. What?","Sheldon: It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.","Penny: Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?",Sheldon: Detailed analysis posted online.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?,"Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.",Sheldon: I don’t understand. What other kind of women are there?,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.",Penny: You’re kidding.,Sheldon: Agreed.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.",Sheldon: I blame Penny.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on.,Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him.,Sheldon: I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.","Leonard: There, perfect.",Sheldon: You’re very welcome.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.",Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.,Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.",Leonard: Was that a flask?,"Sheldon: If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about it either. Good night.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.",Leonard: You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch?,"Sheldon: Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.","Leonard: If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?","Sheldon: No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.","Leonard: And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to.",Sheldon: That’s not the comforting part.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Why would you say that?,"Leonard: You know, ’cause, ’cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.","Sheldon: To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Penny: Thank you, so do you.","Amy: Sheldon, you look so handsome.",Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Amy: What’s that?,"Leonard: Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing.","Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Excuse me.,Amy: Where are you going?,Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?",Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: I don’t think that’s a good idea.,Amy: Why not?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.",Amy: You’re making me worry. What’s going on?,"Sheldon: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.,Amy: What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?,Sheldon: September 22nd.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Scene: Sheldon’s bedrooom.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye.","Sheldon: Isn’t she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: I really did think you looked pretty.,Amy: You did?,Sheldon: Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Yes. So much so that I started to panic.,"Amy: Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together.","Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?,Amy: I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.,Sheldon: My bad. I did send a gift from both of us.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: Thank you for understanding.,"Amy: Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates…",Sheldon: It’s what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling.,0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,"Sheldon: I love you, too.",Amy: You said it.,"Sheldon: Neither do I, but it’s the social convention.",0
Series 08 Episode 08 – The Prom Equivalency,Sheldon: There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.,Amy: Okay.,Sheldon: You did.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.,Sheldon: August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Me.,"Amy: Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius.","Sheldon: My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Still think it’s me.,"Amy: It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him.",Sheldon: No trouble at all.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.","Amy: How about this, he’s a poor man’s Sheldon Cooper.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Penny: Hi.,Amy: Hello.,"Sheldon: If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Amy: Did they figure out what’s wrong?,Leonard: Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week.,"Sheldon: If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Leonard: Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.","Penny: Yeah, back off, he’s all mine.","Sheldon: Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she’ll talk some sense into you.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?,"Amy: Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring.",Sheldon: I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story.",Sheldon: No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Very well. I’m done talking about it.,Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I believe it was your turn in the game.,Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.",Leonard: I think you could give a better clue.,"Sheldon: Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: Okay, why?","Sheldon: You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.,"Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?",Sheldon: I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?",Leonard: What’s your problem?,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.","Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.","Leonard: I told you, there’s nothing to worry about.","Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.","Leonard: Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?","Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Hey. What’re you working on?,Sheldon: It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?",Leonard: Yeah?,"Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.",Leonard: Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on.,Sheldon: A good question.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?",Leonard: I’m not allergic to latex.,Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?",Leonard: For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net.,Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Fine. What about epilepsy?,"Leonard: I don’t have epilepsy, either.","Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.","Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery?",Sheldon: Why are you crying?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.","Leonard: Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.",Sheldon: Oh!,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You don’t know that.,"Leonard: Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.,"Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too?",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.","Leonard: Tell you what, the surgery’s not for a week, I’ll think about it.","Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Leonard: He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.",Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: Greece.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: 18 parts per million. And he’s still doing it.,Amy: Don’t worry about that. I’m happy to take you to work.,Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.",Amy: It’s nice they’re getting exercise.,Sheldon: All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.",Amy: I’m sure he brought it.,"Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.","Amy: He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it.",Sheldon: I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?,"Amy: I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.",Sheldon: How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Tell me the truth.,Amy: Twenty eight.,"Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Come on.,Amy: Fifty six.,"Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Amy. What’s going on?,"Amy: All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now.","Sheldon: Now, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I see. Take me to Leonard.,"Amy: Just go to work, he’ll be fine.","Sheldon: Project Gorilla, entry two. I am exhausted.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.",Amy: Fine. It’s sweet that you care about him so much.,Sheldon: Can’t you hold it?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.,Scene: The waiting room. ,"Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: We had a really nice swim.,Sheldon: This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.","Penny: ‘Cause I’m a liar, liar?","Sheldon: Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Penny: You had to tell him?,"Amy: He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Is he okay?,Penny: He’s still in surgery.,Sheldon: Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Penny: He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky.,"Amy: Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery.",Sheldon: How else are you gonna study for the tests?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?",Penny: I think she meant something a little happier.,Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The waiting room.,"Penny: Oh, it’s nice you got him that.","Sheldon: One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me.",Amy: Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in.,Sheldon: Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You know those confounded things make me dizzy.,Amy: Who told you to keep going around?,"Sheldon: Research journal, entry one. I’m about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I’m calling it Project Gorilla.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Penny: Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.","Amy: Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself.","Sheldon: Not likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2,000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.,Amy: And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.,"Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.","Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.",Penny: Really? You won’t even say A?,Sheldon: The one with the frogs.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won’t.,"Penny: Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.","Sheldon: Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.,"Penny: Sheldon, it was just a little tremor.","Sheldon: Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.","Amy: Sheldon, you can’t go back there.","Sheldon: Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: Try and stop me.,Amy: Are you okay?,Sheldon: Why can’t Leonard teach you?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas card.","Sheldon: A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: You know this is all your fault.,Leonard: How is it my fault?,"Sheldon: All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.,"Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn’t even want you there.",Sheldon: Then speak.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Penny: Yeah, ’cause you sound really funny.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.","Sheldon: It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.",0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Amy: Sheldon will move out eventually.,"Penny: Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door.",Sheldon: Just need a little more practice.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.",Leonard: You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me.,Sheldon: That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Oh, what’d you get?",Sheldon: Bazinga. I don’t care.,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Sheldon: Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.","Penny: Okay, that’s morbid. Send it back.",Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?,0
Series 08 Episode 09 – The Septum Deviation,"Leonard: That’s funny. Boy, I’m gonna miss these painkillers.","Penny: Hey, why did you get two? I’m with stupid.",Sheldon: Howard?,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Hello. I’m Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags, the final episode flagtacular. I knew it was coming. Still scary. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, the final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance?",Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?,Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.","Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board.",Sheldon: Perhaps there’s hope for you after all.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: So as they say, all good things must come to an end.",Amy: After only 232 episodes.,"Sheldon: Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.,Amy: You said you weren’t gonna bring that up.,"Sheldon: Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?",Amy: That was a good one.,"Sheldon: Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Penny: Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder.","Amy: And, yes, even shed a tear or two.",Sheldon: Leonard.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.,Amy: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?,Sheldon: No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.,Highlight 1,"Sheldon: Leonard, she’s doing it again.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Amy: Australia, mate.",Highlight 2,"Sheldon: I made a boo-boo, all right?",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Highlight 3,"Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on?",Sheldon: There is no abort.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.,"Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm?","Sheldon: It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.,Highlight 4,"Sheldon: The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Fancy a dip, my dear?",Amy: I do.,"Sheldon: You flatter me, sir.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.","Amy: Wow, that flag is a lifesaver.","Sheldon: Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Action.,"Sheldon: Yes, exactly.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.","LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal.","Sheldon: Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: You do this, I delete your contact information.",LeVar: While?,"Sheldon: All right, how’s this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: While you watch me do it.,LeVar: Great. Happy to be back.,"Sheldon: Oh! How about we put awhoopee cushion on his office chair? He’ll sit down, it’ll sound like he’s flatulent, even though he’s not.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.","LeVar: Oh, hell, no.",Sheldon: It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Penny: Even though your dress is ugly.,Scene:The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Well, my little flag-keteers, it looks like the last episode of Fun with Flags is at an end. If I could, I would run each and every one of you viewers up a flagpole and salute you. And if you touched the ground, burn you. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who you may or may not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner-related Internet info-tainment show.","Amy: Take that, glass ceiling.","Sheldon: However, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.","Amy: Cut. Sheldon, that was beautiful.",Sheldon: I never admit defeat.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: I refuse to sink to his level.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: How come you’re up so late?,Sheldon: Did you laugh?,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.","Leonard: Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.",Sheldon: It wasn’t funny.,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.,Leonard: Sad?,Sheldon: What do you want?,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.,Leonard: Yeah. What did they say?,Sheldon: I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?,0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.",Leonard: Congratulations.,"Sheldon: A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I’m going to kill you!",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,Sheldon: Let’s celebrate.,"Leonard: Sheldon, that wasn’t for you.","Sheldon: Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.",Scene: LeVar Burton’s house.,"Sheldon: My pleasure, Ira.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton? (Knock, knock, knock) LeVar Burton?",LeVar: Ugh. What are you doing here?,"Sheldon: Now, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.",0
Series 08 Episode 10 – The Champagne Reflection,"Sheldon: You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.","LeVar: Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate.","Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Penny: Hey, how are things going with your parents?",Raj; Not great. They hired divorce attorneys.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, may I interject?",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Amy: Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?","Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Raj: That would be nice.,"Amy: I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.",Sheldon: Yes. Look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.",Amy: You’re going.,"Sheldon: All right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they’re simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Why do you hate me?,Amy: I don’t hate you. I love you.,"Sheldon: Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: Bernadette’s car.,"Bernadette (singing): Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.","Sheldon: Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I appreciate the ride.","Bernadette (singing): Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off?",Sheldon: Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.",Bernadette: Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.,Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.","Bernadette: Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy?","Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.","Bernadette: Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something.","Sheldon: Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.",Bernadette: She’s just excited about the holidays.,"Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.",Bernadette: How?,Sheldon: “Soft Kitty” is for when you’re sick. You’re not sick.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.",Bernadette: What?,"Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: I’m going to buy her a present.,"Bernadette: Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that.",Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.",Bernadette: Then you’re both sad?,"Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to choke on your own drool.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.",Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. There, there. Everything’s going to be fine. Sheldon’s here.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: A shopping mall.,Bernadette: What about that sweater?,"Sheldon: Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect.",Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me.,Sheldon: Episodes of sub psychotic rage.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.","Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.","Sheldon: I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: Santa’s grotto. ,"Santa: All right, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?",Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Correct.,Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.,Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,"Raj: Mmm. Amy, that pudding was delicious.",Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: If you like raisins.,Amy: Thank you. And it’s figs.,Sheldon: Migraines?,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Dr Koothrappali: Can I help you clean up?,"Amy: Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you’re good.",Sheldon: Kidney disease?,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Penny: Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any.",Leonard: I thought you hate giving gifts.,"Sheldon: Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.",Amy: You got me something?,Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.",Amy: Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet.,"Sheldon: All right, there’s no need to bark at me. According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you’ll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe illness or injury.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?,"Amy: No, I love it.","Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.","Amy: Actually, I did get you something.","Sheldon: No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: But what about our agreement?,"Amy: Well, you got me something. Here.",Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?,0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: Cookies?,Amy: They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?",0
Series 08 Episode 11 – The Clean Room Infiltration,Sheldon: They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.,"Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: What colour would you like to be?,"Leonard: Well, I’d like to be green, but you know you always take it.","Sheldon: That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.",Leonard: Blue and yellow make green.,"Sheldon: Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that?",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, then it’s settled.",Penny: Hi. Ready to go?,"Sheldon: Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat. Whee! Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.","Amy: Sheldon, we said that we would play games with you tonight.",Sheldon: Where is the passenger side mirror?,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Leonard: No.,Penny: I don’t want to spend the whole day playing a board game.,"Sheldon: One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Leonard: No, no, no, come on, don’t leave. Just try it.","Penny: No. We’re always doing what you guys want. Just once, it’d be nice if you did something we wanted.",Sheldon: Didn’t work out well.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Penny: Thank you.,Amy: Sheldon?,"Sheldon: Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Leonard: I wasn’t gonna get beat up.,"Penny: You were, but somehow I held myself back.",Sheldon: All righty.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.,Leonard: Now you’re helping them find ways to make us miserable?,Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Ooh, the philharmonic is playing Beethoven downtown.",Sheldon: Ok.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Amy: Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.,"Leonard: Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy.",Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.,Leonard: That’s what I was doing.,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?","Penny: All right, keep thinking.",Sheldon: Don’t look?,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?","Leonard: Well, yeah.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Amy: What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.,"Penny: It does, somehow he managed to take all the fun out of it.",Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Scene: A clothes shop.,Leonard: This isn’t so bad.,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.",Amy: You guys comfy? This might take a while.,"Sheldon: Okay, here.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.,"Penny: No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston.","Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Penny: Bye.,"Leonard: Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here.",Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.",Leonard: That’s true.,Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.,"Leonard: Sheldon, it’s fine.","Sheldon: Well, it does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks, we both might die in a fiery car crash.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.","Scene: The same, later.",Sheldon: All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Let’s see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three.","Leonard: Okay. And to defend, I roll two sixes. I win.",Sheldon: But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.","Leonard: I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do.","Sheldon: Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.","Leonard: Look at you, being all mature.",Sheldon: I don’t drive.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.","Leonard: I, I’m sorry? You make compromises for me?","Sheldon: Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: All the time.,"Leonard: On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living?","Sheldon: They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.",Leonard: That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.,Sheldon: The ducks in my tub.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.",Leonard: What? Then. then why don’t you do it?,Sheldon: They’re holding umbrellas.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Penny: Well, you named it.",Scene: The store.,Sheldon: I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Oh, here’s another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don’t put it there because I don’t want you breaking one of your little legs when you’re supposed to be making my breakfast.",Leonard: Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make?,Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising.","Leonard: Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak.",Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.","Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: Is that true?,"Leonard: Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away.",Sheldon: Shall I come back at a better time?,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.",Leonard: You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting.,"Sheldon: (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.","Leonard: Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while.",Sheldon: Penny?,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.",Leonard: Do you mean that?,"Sheldon: I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.","Leonard: Come on, don’t get upset.","Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m going to be dining alone this evening, so I’ll be reducing my usual order. I’d like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and, uh, one half of the golden treasure for two. Oh, for heaven’s sake, in the mid-18th century, King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely, you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.,Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Sheldon’s log, stardate 63345.3. While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower, I have remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states. Although my research is going well I do miss the warmth of human companionship. (He laughs)",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: It’s okay.,Leonard: I’m not leaving your world. I’m just talking about living across the hall.,Sheldon: I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Leonard: Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.,Amy: Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk.,"Sheldon: Can I get this comic book, too?",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: That’s exactly what I told him.,"Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready.",Sheldon: I want that one.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,"Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually?",Leonard: All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?,Sheldon: Really? Where’s your friend Justin going to sleep?,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?,Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Sheldon: When I’m not home.,Leonard: You got it.,Sheldon: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.,0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Penny: Don’t tell Amy that. We’ll be here every Sunday.,"Amy: Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.",0
Series 08 Episode 12 – The Space Probe Disintegration,Amy: Very nice.,"Leonard: Yeah, it looks great.","Sheldon: Although, a few minutes ago would have been better.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Okay, we’re headed out, see you later.",Sheldon: Right now would be good.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?","Leonard: Yeah, sure.",Sheldon: Go apologize to Penny.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Penny: Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.","Leonard: Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever.","Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.",Penny: So what do you need the headphones for?,Sheldon: And she wonders why she’s constantly undertipped.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.","Penny: Yeah, have fun.","Sheldon: Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Penny: And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.,Leonard: Bye.,"Sheldon: That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.,"Leonard: Hey, we’re home. Any progress?","Sheldon: Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What are you doing? It’s time to go.,Sheldon: Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why?,"Leonard: Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day?","Sheldon: Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Like a big old baby.,Leonard: Call me if you need anything.,"Sheldon: All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.,Penny (off): Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! ,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny (off): Ugh!,Sheldon: Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?",Penny (off): Ugh!,"Sheldon: Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?","Penny: Ugh, what?",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.,"Penny: Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.","Penny: I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder.",Sheldon: Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: And to clarify?,"Penny: The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?",Sheldon: Of course not. I’ll have my usual.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I’m not going. Would you like to know why?,"Penny: Uh, you’re sad about not getting anything done last night, so you’re gonna sit around and pout about it?","Sheldon: You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Raj: You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.","Leonard: Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home.","Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.",Howard: What do you mean?,"Sheldon: I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.",Howard: Hold on. What’s in it for us?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Howard: Okay, we’ll do it.",Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,Sheldon: I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Done.,"Amy: 33 seconds. Okay, that’ll be our baseline.","Sheldon: I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.",Amy: It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers.,"Sheldon: No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.,"Amy: All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate.","Sheldon: This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.",Amy: Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it?,"Sheldon: Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.","Amy: Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.",Sheldon: Got it.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Who eats them horizontally?,Amy: My mother said that’s how good girls do it.,"Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Perhaps this was a waste of time.,"Amy: Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.","Sheldon: All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone’s civil, nobody’s fighting. Have a nice evening.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Amy: And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?","Sheldon: No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…","Amy: Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone.","Sheldon: Go, go, Power Rangers, go!",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?",Amy: Because you’re happy they’re elevated.,"Sheldon: I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Howard: Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.","Leonard: That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them.","Sheldon: Come on, come on, we’re late.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.",Leonard: So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say?,Sheldon: I can’t listen to the two of you fight anymore.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: And you think that’s going to help?,Sheldon: Leonard! Stop the car!,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Howard: Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all.","Sheldon: Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.","Leonard: Howard’s right, that’ll never work.","Sheldon: All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.",Raj: I don’t think that’s what you want at all.,"Sheldon: It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?","Leonard: Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said.","Sheldon: Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.","Howard: Yes, we can.","Sheldon: Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, then do it.",Howard: Nah.,Sheldon: Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Amy: If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?",Penny: Really? Want to go to Hawaii?,Sheldon: It’s also your roll.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?",Penny: Come in.,Sheldon: You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Ladies.,Penny: What’s up?,Sheldon: Uh-oh! Industrial accident.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?",Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?,Sheldon: I’ll just roll for you.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.",Bernadette: We were talking about Penny’s job.,"Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.","Penny: Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.","Sheldon: Roll the dice, Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Amy: No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?","Bernadette: Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.","Sheldon: Your turn, Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: What is going on?,"Sheldon: Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.","Leonard: Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night.",Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: You’ve been working so much lately, I’m glad you didn’t forget about date night.","Sheldon: You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Of course.,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Yeah.,Amy: Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me.,"Sheldon: Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.,Amy: Fine. How was your day?,Sheldon: I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, you said it.","Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon, I’m worried about you. You’re not eating, you haven’t slept in days, and, to be honest, that cap is starting to smell.","Sheldon: Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Howard: I don’t know, he’s not really hurting anybody.",Leonard: You didn’t have to scoop vomit out of your glove compartment.,"Sheldon: I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: Sheldon, I want you to take that cap off.",Sheldon: You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.","Amy: I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night.","Sheldon: So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: There you go, perfect.","Amy: Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away.","Sheldon: You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.",Amy: You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.,"Sheldon: Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.",Amy: That’s not true.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.","Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself.",Sheldon: What’s funny about Cylon toast?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?","Amy: Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety.",Sheldon: Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.","Amy: It’s one thing to make yourself miserable, but you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I’m telling you for the last time, take the cap off.","Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?",Scene: A bus.,Sheldon: How would you put it?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: And then she threw me out. Me, her very own boyfriend. When all I’ve done is try to help humanity reach of the world we live in.","Man: Yeah, well, women, what are you gonna do?","Sheldon: Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Penny: Okay.,Leonard: Here we are.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Sheldon: Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.,"Leonard: You lie down, he’ll be here in a minute.","Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.","Penny: Now, you just get comfortable.",Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Leonard: Maybe in the morning.,"Penny: Yeah, you get some sleep.","Sheldon: That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Sheldon: No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.","Penny: You’re right, we can’t.","Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.",0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Penny (singing): Soft kitty, warm kitty.",Leonard (singing): Little ball of fur.,Sheldon: Fine.,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,Scene: The cafeteria.,Howard: You look like you got some rest.,Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?,0
Series 08 Episode 13 – The Anxiety Optimisation,"Leonard: Yeah, sure.","Howard: Yeah, no problem.","Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?,"Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Hmm.,Leonard: What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else?,Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Hmm.,"Leonard: I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?","Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.","Leonard: No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?","Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: It’s good.,Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: I like it. I think you’re on to something.,Leonard: You do? You’re not messing with me?,Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.",Leonard: You’re giving me a sticker?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.,Leonard: I’m not a preschooler.,Sheldon: Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do?,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: You’re still awake?,"Sheldon: Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.",Leonard: You worked out all the math.,Sheldon: Victory!,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.",Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?,Sheldon: Sorry won’t bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn!,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.,Leonard: When did my idea become our idea?,"Sheldon: You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.,Leonard: This is good. Our idea is really good.,"Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.","Leonard: You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.","Sheldon: Wolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I’ll go under and cut his line.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.","Leonard: Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it?","Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.",Leonard: You’re sure it’s good?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.,"Leonard: Okay, partner, let’s do it.","Sheldon: Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Together: Click.,"Leonard: Well, we did it.","Sheldon: Excuse me. You’re misusing the word ho. It’s an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho!",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Yes, we did, my friend.",Leonard: Is your tongue blue?,Sheldon: I… I… I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.,"Leonard: Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.","Sheldon: No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Does it smell like blueberries?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: I can’t.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Howard: Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.","Leonard: Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative.","Sheldon: Oh, yes.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.","Leonard: Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?","Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Howard: How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?","Raj: Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv.",Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Read another one.,"Leonard: Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish.","Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Who wrote that?,"Leonard: It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity.","Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m responding to it.","Leonard: Uh, don’t lower yourself to their level.","Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.","Leonard: Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this.",Sheldon: Brimstone.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Raj: What does it say?,"Leonard: Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter.",Sheldon: Three-headed lion.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: Can I respond now?,Leonard: Do it.,Sheldon: Fire demon.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Scene: The apartment. ,Raj: Did he respond yet?,Sheldon: Luminescence spell.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Howard: It wasn’t that bad.,Leonard: Read it back one more time.,Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.",Leonard: And you don’t think that’s too rough?,"Sheldon: I play my endless serpent. Raj will play ecstatic frenzy, which means Larry will have to play chaos overlord, then Captain Sweatpants, molten river. I play nightshade dryad, game, set and match. Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Amy: You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Silence!,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: He still hasn’t responded. What’s taking him so long?,Leonard: Do you really want him to write back?,"Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Howard: This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off.,Raj: No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off.,Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Howard: Yes.,"Raj: Guys, this person’s just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.","Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Howard: Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.",Raj: See? Better with the accent.,Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: And send.,Leonard: What did you write?,"Sheldon: From hell’s heart, I stab at thee.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.,Leonard: What does that mean?,"Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Leonard: Are you crazy? You don’t know who this person is. Delete that.,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon!","Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Raj: I’m so sick of people being mean on the Internet.,"Howard: Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face.","Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Leonard: Never noticed that about you.,"Raj: You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work.","Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Sheldon: He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.,"Leonard: All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished.","Sheldon: You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Sheldon: Click it with me. One, two, three, click.","Stephen Hawking: Well, hello there.",Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:,0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,Leonard: You really didn’t like our paper?,Stephen Hawking: I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing.,"Sheldon: Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.",0
Series 08 Episode 14 – The Troll Manifestation,"Stephen Hawking: If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.",Leonard: Stephen Hawking liked our paper. Said the premise is intriguing.,Sheldon: But I must have it.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,,Scene: Amy’s laboratory.,Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: I’ve invented a science joke, would you like to hear it?",Amy: Sure.,Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?,Amy: How many?,Sheldon: Do you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater-vest?,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.,Amy: Is that really true?,Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have?,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.","Barry: Hey, sowwy to intewupt.",Sheldon: I have money.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?",Barry: Did you know Edison didn’t actuawy invent the wight bulb?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Barry: Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.,"Amy: Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it.",Sheldon: That would probably save us some time.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.","Barry: Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs.","Sheldon: I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?,"Amy: Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal.","Sheldon: Yes, I’ve moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I’ll add a guest napkin, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That’s the face napkin.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?","Amy: I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, no.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.","Amy: Sheldon, we’re all scientists. I helped out a fellow colleague. You’re being petty.",Sheldon: You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Scene: The laundry room.,Penny: Hey.,"Sheldon: June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: You okay?,"Sheldon: Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I’ve told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.",Penny: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: I’m mad at Amy.,"Penny: Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too?","Sheldon: Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.,"Penny: Oh, that sounds like a good thing.",Sheldon: It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.",Penny: I’m sorry I didn’t have a camera.,"Sheldon: I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Why would she do this to me?,"Penny: Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science?",Sheldon: I walked.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.","Penny: All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go.","Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.","Penny: I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her?",Sheldon: I reject them all.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?","Penny: Well, you could shove them somewhere.",Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Leonard: Mmm, when really we’re just exiting an uncomfortable situation.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Kripke, you know, of all the people, Barry Kripke. I’m so… Are you folding that like a crazy person to get me to do it for you?",Penny: No.,Sheldon: I didn’t say that.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?","Penny: I don’t know, just think about something else.",Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?,Penny: Sure.,"Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.,"Penny: You know, some people try visualization.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: How does that work?,"Penny: Okay, imagine your problems are a pen.",Sheldon: I am in every way.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Okay.,Penny: Now imagine you’re holding that pen.,"Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Okay.,Penny: Now open your hand and let it go.,Sheldon: I said give it to me.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.,"Penny: Sheldon, this isn’t that hard.",Sheldon: Give me the eraser.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: I may have a better way that you can teach me.,Penny: How?,Sheldon: You’re defacing my work.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?,Penny: What? She didn’t give me any puzzles.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Amy (in flashback): Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.",Penny: Son of a bitch.,"Sheldon: Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.",Penny: I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp.,"Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.",Penny: Why would she even do this?,"Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?",Penny: Make this interesting? You bet money on me?,Sheldon: Caca?,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?",Penny: It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting.,Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.","Penny: Oh, my, that’s it. Get out.",Sheldon: English is your native language.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.",Penny: Get out.,Sheldon: Astro means star.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: Penny?,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Penny: I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests.,"Amy: Sheldon, open the door.",Sheldon: Good.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: I can’t. I’m naked.,Amy: I just saw you.,Sheldon: Alright?,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Leonard: And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.,Penny: Really? You couldn’t get it out?,Sheldon: Top desk drawer.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Penny: Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.",Amy: That’s not true.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Howard: I’m sorry, but it’s making me crazy.",Bernadette: Can you please just let it go?,"Sheldon: This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Raj: What can we do?,Howard: I don’t know.,Sheldon: I’m the boss. I make the jokes.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Sheldon: May I say something?,"Leonard: Not right now, Sheldon.","Sheldon: All right, we’re going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,Leonard: Buddy.,"Howard: No, it’s okay. What?",Sheldon: Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.,0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Amy: She did that to me, too.",Penny: Don’t take this away from me.,"Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?",0
Series 08 Episode 15 – The Comic Book Store Regeneration,"Sheldon: I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.","Leonard: If you want, I can yell at you later.","Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Raj: Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.",Amy: And then they finish it off by staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.,Sheldon: Please.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Leonard: I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?","Penny: Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…",Amy: No.,Sheldon: I reject them all.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: You didn’t even let me finish.,Amy: Forget it.,"Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.",Raj: Why don’t you just do the test?,Sheldon: For me.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.",Penny: What? You’re okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?,"Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Penny: I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.,"Amy: That’s what I said. Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.",Sheldon: Of course I’m busy.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Credits sequence.,Scene: The hallway. ,Sheldon: For me.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It’s the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.","Penny: You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.",Sheldon: For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Howard: The world’s greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: You ready to begin?,Penny: Yup. Be right there. I assume you don’t want wine.,"Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.,Penny: What heavy machinery? Let’s just start.,"Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…","Penny: Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?",Sheldon: Nailed it.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?,Penny: Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living.,"Sheldon: That’s happy, right?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.",Penny: You sure that’s your choice? ‘Cause I’ve had that dinner.,Sheldon: And you’re wrong about Hinduism and cows.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?","Penny: Robert Downey, Jr.","Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Raj: Oh, so kind of like what’s happening with Penny right now.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?,"Penny: Uh, well, I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.","Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: That’s it?,"Penny: Yeah, why?",Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: You didn’t mention Leonard.,Penny: He’s there.,Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.","Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What’s yours?","Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.","Penny: Interesting, you didn’t mention Amy.","Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Clerk: I’m sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?","Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.","Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.,"Penny: Come on, I’m just having some fun with you.","Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.,"Penny: Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.",Sheldon: You guess? You don’t seem to have much of a handle on this.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Shedon: I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.","Penny: Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing.",Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: When are we going to get robot eyes?,Penny: You’re all alike.,Sheldon: The parade.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.",Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.,"Sheldon: Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.","Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.","Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.","Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?",Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.",Penny: Today’s your birthday?,Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Yes.,"Penny: Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.",Sheldon: Thank you. (Throws a chocolate. Penny catches it in her mouth),0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.","Penny: So, why did you finally tell me?","Sheldon: Well, I’m going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning in engaging in amorous activites, you’ll keep the decibel level to a minimum.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.,"Penny: Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won’t tell anyone.",Sheldon: Have a chocolate.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Thank you.,Penny: That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.,Sheldon: Come again?,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Bernadette: Oh, no. That thing’s gonna end up in my bedroom.",Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: That’s it. We’re done with the questions.,Penny: All that’s left to do is stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking.,"Sheldon: You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go.",Penny: You ready?,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: And begin. This is kind of creepy.,"Sheldon: No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: We’re not supposed to talk during this part.,Penny: Sorry.,"Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.,Penny: Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.,"Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.","Penny: Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too.","Sheldon: Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.",Penny: I meant more like a little brother.,"Sheldon: I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.",Penny: It’s getting creepy again.,"Sheldon: There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: What?,Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.,"Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.,Penny: Can you believe it’s been eight years?,Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.",Penny: I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life.,Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.",Penny: That’s it. That wasn’t so bad.,Sheldon: Thank you. Chocolate?,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.","Penny: Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.",Sheldon: You’re here a lot now.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.",Penny: Like what?,"Sheldon: And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime.",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,"Sheldon: Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?",Scene: The hallway.,Sheldon: Did you? I didn’t notice. Have a chocolate.,0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Sheldon: Thank you for walking me home.,Penny: I just want to make sure you get there safe.,"Sheldon: Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?",0
Series 08 Episode 16 – The Intimacy Acceleration,Penny: It really has.,All: SURPRISE!,"Sheldon: You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Leonard: Hey.,Penny: Hi.,"Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Amy: We have some exciting news.,Leonard: Okay.,Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Amy: After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.",Leonard: Okay.,"Sheldon: Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Together: We’re getting a turtle.,Penny: This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Penny: Yes.,Amy: Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.,"Sheldon: Boy, that does smell good. Too bad it’s Monday.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.",Leonard: Why a turtle?,Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.","Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobblestone.","Sheldon: What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Emily: Well, her torso is. Just kidding. I put her in a wood chipper.",Scene: A pet store.,"Sheldon: I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.",Amy: It’s okay. You made it. We’re fine.,"Sheldon: I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: That was a lot of puppies.,"Amy: Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?",Sheldon: I want oatmeal.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?","Amy: Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead.",Sheldon: That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.","Amy: But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work.",Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.,Amy: What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.","Amy: You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me?","Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Would you have approved?,Amy: Of course not.,"Sheldon: Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Leonard: Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.",Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: It’s Oatmeal Day.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: I can’t believe you almost had me bring a wild animal into my home.,Amy: No one told you to poke the turtle’s face.,Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.,"Amy: I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.","Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.","Amy: Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?,Amy: I would at least mention it before filling out the application.,"Sheldon: Hmm. Oh, who cares?",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.","Amy: And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.",Sheldon: Have I crossed some sort of line again?,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.","Amy: You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Hardly.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?,Amy: No. Forget it.,Sheldon:  Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?,Amy: Please don’t.,"Sheldon: Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Raj: Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: I was going to make you red zinger, but since Mars is the red planet, I went with peppermint.",Amy: Why do you even want to do this?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?",Amy: Can’t you just tell me?,Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Leonard (on video): I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.,"Sheldon (on video): But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it’s my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. To Mars.",Sheldon: Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: I think I’m gonna go home.,"Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here.,"Amy: You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.",Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.",Amy: Sure. Unless something better comes along.,"Sheldon: Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Do you want me to withdraw my application?,Amy: What I want is for us to be planning our future together.,Sheldon: Why would that make me feel better?,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.",Amy: We’re on the same planet.,"Sheldon: Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,Sheldon: Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?,Amy: Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?,Sheldon: Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?",Amy: Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.,Sheldon: Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.,0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?","Amy: You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.","Sheldon: Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?","Amy: Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.","Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.",0
Series 08 Episode 17 – The Colonization Application,"Sheldon: They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?","Amy: I guess we’ll have to make a new video together, as a couple.","Sheldon: No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,,Scene: The lobby.,Sheldon: Told you.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Two one six four two zero one nine eight nine. And that, little lady, is pi to a thousand places.","Amy: I’d say I’m sorry I asked, except I didn’t.","Sheldon: No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.","Amy: Oh, let me see.",Sheldon: I’m sorry?,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.,"Amy: Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all.",Sheldon: I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Well, that can’t be right.",Amy: It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.,Amy: Poor Leonard.,Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.,Amy: He might not be.,"Sheldon: He’s a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave) ",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.",Amy: Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team?,Sheldon: We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, I’d be incensed.",Amy: So you see what I’m getting at?,"Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Squeaky wheel gets the grease?,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Grass is always greener?,Amy: Try again.,"Sheldon: Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.","Amy: Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad.","Sheldon: An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.,Amy: Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it?,Sheldon: His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.",Amy: Exactly.,"Sheldon: Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It’s really dark down here.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Howard: Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody’s looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Leonard? Have you ever noticed that only my name is on the cable bill?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself?",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.","Leonard: Actually, your name is on the electric bill.",Sheldon: Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, right. This is a disaster.",Leonard: I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree.,"Sheldon: Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.",Leonard: What’s going on?,Sheldon: Help me open it.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.,Leonard: Did they hate it?,Sheldon: One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that?,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.",Leonard: So what’s the problem?,Sheldon: I don’t see anything.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: You know how the PennySaver only has my name…,Leonard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: All right, you have a wager.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.,Leonard: Really?,Sheldon: Fair enough. What stake do you propose?,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.","Leonard: Uh, that, that’s not necessary.",Sheldon: Thank God.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.",Leonard: Cooper and his team?,"Sheldon: I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: You should know I had nothing to do with that.,"Leonard: Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important.",Sheldon: I can’t take your money.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.",Leonard: That’s not helping.,Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: It does have a camera in it.,Leonard: Baby’s listening.,"Sheldon: Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.,Leonard: What happened? Did you tell him it was my idea?,"Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: I did.,Leonard: Thank you. What did he say?,"Sheldon: Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Leonard: Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea.,"Penny: You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow.","Sheldon: Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks?,"Leonard: If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working.",Sheldon: I sense I may have crossed some sort of line.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.",Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: All he had was an idea.,"Amy: Well, that is an important part.",Sheldon: Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.",Amy: But Leonard’s idea was good.,"Sheldon: You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: And that’s why you get an iPad helicopter.,Scene: Amy’s car.,Sheldon: Tandoori Palace?,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Is it my fault I have a much bigger reputation than he does?,Amy: It’s not your fault.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?,Amy: Not your fault.,"Sheldon: Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Leonard: So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?",Stuart: And there goes the mood.,Sheldon: Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.",Leonard: Subtle.,Sheldon: I did.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Amy: Yes, so please behave yourselves.",Leonard: Fine.,Sheldon: I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Howard: That’s not true. We’ve got tomatoes right here.,Amy: All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon.,"Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Penny: Oh, so it’s like The View.","Amy: Sheldon, The View is a daytime talk show hosted by women.",Sheldon: I forgive you. Let’s go home.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Howard: I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.,"Penny: Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss.","Sheldon: Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Leonard: Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?","Bernadette: Oh, that’s fine.",Sheldon: What are they doing here?,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Leonard: No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?","Howard: Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real.",Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.","Leonard: Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering.",Sheldon: They’re not my friends.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Leonard, please. His mother just died.",Leonard: You’re being ridiculous.,Sheldon: Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Yeah, so are you.","Penny: Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon.",Sheldon: My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.","Leonard: Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me.",Sheldon: Plateful.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.",Amy: And girls.,Sheldon: Grateful.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,"Sheldon: Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.",Leonard: So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit?,Sheldon: Bread.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Leonard: You want some of this? I’ll give you some.,"Bernadette: Hey. Sheldon, Leonard, living room, right now!",Sheldon: Fed.,0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Penny: I don’t think I’ve eaten that much in my entire life.,Howard: It’s why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off.,"Sheldon: Aw, Mom.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Ra: So glad you two are done fighting.,"Leonard: Right now, I’m just trying to burp without throwing up.","Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.",0
Series 08 Episode 18 – The Leftover Thermalization,Stuart: What’d they say?,Amy: Who cares? Did they mention Leonard?,"Sheldon: Oh, you think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.","Leonard: Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway.",Sheldon: My credibility may have been damaged…,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.",Amy: Are you all set for your trip?,"Sheldon: All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Penny: PRK?,Leonard: Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.,Sheldon: You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.,Leonard: Keep going.,Sheldon: It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Leonard’s car.,"Sheldon: Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Would you like to play a physics car game I invented called I Can’t Spy? It’s all the nail-biting tension of I Spy but the added fun of subatomic particles and waves outside the visible spectrum.,"Leonard: If it’s half as much fun as One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall, I’m in.",Sheldon: I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie!,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.",Leonard: That soy Frappuccino I had.,"Sheldon: And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.,"Leonard: I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos?",Sheldon: Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I don’t want to play anymore.,Leonard: We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun.,Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.","Leonard: No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool.",Sheldon: I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.",Leonard: What? This road trip just got crazy.,Sheldon: That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy.",Leonard: I’m surprised you know that reference.,Sheldon: About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Bernadette: Of course.,"Scene: Leonard’s car. “Play that funky music, white boy” is playing on the stereo.","Sheldon: You’re right, Leonard, it’s not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: So they’re requesting that the white boy play the funky music, yes?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well?,Leonard: Sure.,Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?,Leonard: It could be.,"Sheldon: What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?",Leonard: Exactly.,Sheldon: Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.,Leonard: Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early.,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Will our hotel room be ready?,Leonard: I doubt it.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?,"Leonard: If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see?",Sheldon: Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.","Leonard: Oh, that’s true. It’s not like we can get in there.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Why not?,Leonard: I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.,Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.","Leonard: We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.",Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.","Leonard: I’m about to lose control, and I think I like it.",Sheldon: You tampered with my experiment?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Amy: If you still have that bra, I’ll give you a nickel for it.",Scene: Leonard’s car. ,"Sheldon: Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: There it is. It’s just a gate. On a road.,Leonard: Wasn’t even that hard to find.,Sheldon: So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: This is so amazing.,Leonard: I know. You want to get a picture?,"Sheldon: If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.,"Leonard: Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us.","Sheldon: If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?,"Leonard: No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.","Sheldon: You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.","Leonard: Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I’m a little nervous.",Sheldon: Tell me what?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.",Leonard: Right.,"Sheldon: Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Voice: May I help you?,"Leonard: Um, uh, uh, uh, we don’t have an appointment, and, and we don’t belong here, but we, we’re, like, crazy-big fans. I mean uh, buh, buh, crazy for Star Wars crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don’t want to look in.","Sheldon: I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won’t forget your contributions.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Leonard: And that’s how it’s done.,"Scene: The same, further inside the ranch. ","Sheldon: Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy’s home.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: All right, we’ve defeated the first challenge. Now we must steel ourselves to face the monster who defends the gate.","Leonard: We’re trying to get past a security guard, not rescue Zelda.","Sheldon: Oh, hi mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door) Alright, I’m home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success, I’m all but certain there’s a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I’m entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?","Leonard: Uh, I’m just gonna be honest with the guy.","Sheldon: I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Honesty will never get us in.,"Leonard: Well, what’s your plan?",Sheldon: Three months. This is gonna be great!,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Security Guard: Who are you here to see?,"Leonard: Uh, I’m just gonna tell you the truth.",Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Leonard: We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.","Security Guard: Sorry, guys, we get this a lot. Can’t let you in.","Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Security Guard: Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.",Leonard: Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing?,Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Security Guard: Don’t move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.",Voice: Copy.,Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Raj: So did I.,Scene: An office in Skywalker Ranch. ,Sheldon: What are we having?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Do you think they’re gonna call the police?,Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.,Sheldon: It is remarkable.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion, ,"Leonard: Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too.","Sheldon: All right, men, we begin initial assembly and deployment of the testing equipment starting tomorrow at 0700 hours, but until then, you are all off duty. I suggest you keep the shenanigans to a minimum as medical help is 18 hours away by dogsled.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: So, what are you in for?","Nerdy Guy: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.","Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: But why are you here?,"Nerdy Guy: Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.","Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Nerdy Guy: Uh, what about me?","Security Guard: No, you’re not going anywhere, kissy face. Let’s go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.",Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Bernadette: If this doesn’t get him into your bedroom, nothing will.",Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: Are you still mad at me?,"Leonard: Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.","Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty.","Leonard: The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why?",Sheldon: What is it?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.","Leonard: Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it.","Sheldon: Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.",Leonard: That part was pretty good.,"Sheldon: Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: See?,Leonard: You did flop around a lot.,"Sheldon: Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.,"Leonard: You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,Sheldon: That’s amazing.,Leonard: I know.,Sheldon: But Meemaw just made cookies.,0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?",Leonard: I guess this could count as an adventure.,"Sheldon: I want a cookie, Meemaw.",0
Series 08 Episode 19 – The Skywalker Incursion,"Sheldon: It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.",Scene: Amy’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: That’s very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali. If Raj dies, it’ll be from frostbite, gangrene, acute sunburn or being ripped to shreds by a fifteen hundred pound polar bear.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Raj: The guy who invented it says it’s jif.,"Howard: I’m sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?","Sheldon: Way ahead of you, that’s an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” stick.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.",Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it.,"Sheldon: Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.","Howard: Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass.",Sheldon: It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.,"Leonard: Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this.","Sheldon: Here, drink slash eat this.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy: Can you please pass the salt?,Sheldon: I hadn’t thought of that. I guess we’re done here.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.,Amy: Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be?,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?","Amy: No, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Adversity is to be expected. Continue.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.","Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.",Sheldon: And begin.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.,"Amy: Well, it applies to you, too.","Sheldon: Alright, now the purpose of this drill is to acclimate us to the use of tools in extreme temperatures such as we will face in the Arctic Circle.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Leonard: Stay out of it, Kevin Smith.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: That feels like a bonus question. I’m going to stop here while I’m ahead, but I’ve had a great time.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Do you think there comes a point in life when it stops feeling bad to be left out of things?,Amy: Probably not. It’s an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities.,Sheldon: Two for two. I’m on fire.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.",Amy: Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.","Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.",Sheldon: No. Did she seem upset to you?,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.","Amy: And at the same time, not.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action?",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.,"Amy: You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort.","Sheldon: Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer?",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Isn’t that a little juvenile?,Amy: More juvenile than this?,Sheldon: Is that a yes or a no on the freezer? The woman has the attention span of a gnat.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Scene: The apartment. Including fort.,"Amy: How’s it going, Sheldon?",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights.,Amy: Can I come in?,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.",Amy: Amazing.,"Sheldon: I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.,Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let’s sit on the floor.,Sheldon: No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Howard: You are my brother.,Scene: The fort.,Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or fort off, are, Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and Fort Cozy McBlanket.","Amy: I’d say, Knox over Ticonderoga, ’cause it’s got the gold.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Mm-hmm.,Amy: And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.",Amy: We both know this one’s gonna win.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.","Amy: Come on, I’ll help you take this down.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?","Amy: Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: That’s a big step.,Amy: It’s a big fort.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.",Amy: PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.",Amy: You got yourself a sleepover.,"Sheldon: Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?,Amy: Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?,"Sheldon: Well, gentlemen, have you reached a decision?",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Hello? What is this?,"Sheldon: Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache. Now, I know I’m proposing an enormous undertaking, so why don’t you take a few moments to discuss it?",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Amy: Yes, they are.","Leonard: Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep.","Sheldon: I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.",0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?","Leonard: Yeah, I’m good.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.","Leonard: Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort?",Sheldon: I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.,0
Series 08 Episode 20 – The Fortification Implementation,Leonard: Thank you.,"Amy: Okay, have a seat on the floor.","Sheldon: Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,,Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Leonard: Really?,"Howard: Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it.","Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…","Leonard: Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it.",Sheldon: It wasn’t. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.","Leonard: That’s pretty cool, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Leonard: Hey.,Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Listen to you. How can I possibly go?,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.","Leonard: Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.",Sheldon: How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.","Raj: Anyway, I’m among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system.","Sheldon: I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Raj: And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.,Leonard: Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind?,"Sheldon: I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.","Howard: Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities.",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Scene: The hallway.,"Penny: (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.","Sheldon: Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.","Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.","Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.","Penny: Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you.","Sheldon: Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.","Penny: No, no. It’s about my acting career.",Sheldon: Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.",Penny: Well.,"Sheldon: He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.","Penny: Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.","Sheldon: You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.","Penny: Well, why?",Sheldon: Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is?,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.",Penny: You’re really not gonna tell me?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Bernadette: There’s my big boss man.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate cow exploder.","Penny: Okay. Sheldon, let me ask you a question.",Sheldon: It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Sheldon: Mmm.,"Penny: If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on?","Sheldon: You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Sheldon: Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?,Penny: No.,Sheldon: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.",Penny: Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man.,Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?","Penny: Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks.",Sheldon: I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.",Penny: I’m sorry. What was I thinking?,"Sheldon: Oh, boy.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?","Penny: ‘Cause I already know what he’ll say. Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn’t do it.","Sheldon: I don’t see why I have to worry. My career’s not hanging in the balance. That was a joke. It’s funny, because it’s true.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon (singing): It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the ear of the bat, it’s the whiskers of the catfish and the walrus.","Howard: Hang on. Not that your song isn’t terrible, it is. but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar?",Sheldon: Fascinating.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.","Howard: Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon?","Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Sheldon: I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.,Leonard: We want you back on the project with us.,Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that.,"Raj: It wasn’t, so are you in?","Sheldon: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: Sure.,"Leonard: Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it.","Sheldon: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.","Raj: Okay, I think we should do it right now.",Sheldon: You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Scene: The apartment. ,"Raj: So, I’d like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it.",Sheldon: That could work.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Howard: Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.","Raj: Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said.",Sheldon: It won’t work. No way to mount it.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Leonard: Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.",Howard: I saw the menu. They have soy cheese.,Sheldon: It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Leonard: It’s not Simon Says.,"Raj: Yeah, you’re missing the point, Sheldon.","Sheldon: You don’t really believe in that superstition, do you?",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like.",Howard: The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it.,"Sheldon: All right, what if we use this two-inch PVC to reinforce the centre cross-support?",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.",Leonard: Squeeze yourself.,"Sheldon: For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.,"Raj: Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth?","Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humour would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. (There is a knock on the door)",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,Howard: It’s not always.,"Leonard: What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba’s head, and I got to be his fat slug butt.",Sheldon: I agree. It’s the juxtaposition of the high-tech nature of space exploration against the banality of a malfunctioning toilet that provides the comic fodder here. Check your messages.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Raj: Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.",Howard: You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you.,Sheldon: Have you notified NASA?,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.","Howard: Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us.",Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.",Leonard: Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us.,"Sheldon: Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?",0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re not in charge. Raj is in charge.",Sheldon: At times.,0
Series 08 Episode 21 – The Communication Deterioration,"Sheldon: Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?","Raj: He’s right. If you think about it, we’re all in charge.","Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?","Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.",Sheldon: Aren’t you going to check your messages?,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?",Leonard: Nope. It’s pretty exciting.,"Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?,Leonard: How would I be blinded?,"Sheldon: We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.",Leonard: I’ll take my chances.,"Sheldon: You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.",Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm.,Sheldon: You’re not going to answer it?,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image.","Sheldon: Well, I have and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.,Howard: Maybe we should recalibrate it.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: All right.,"Howard: Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.",Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: It actually says at least?,Howard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?,Howard: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: You see where I’m going with this.,Howard: Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.,"Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.",Howard: Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.,Sheldon: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?",Howard: It means the calibration failed. We have to start over.,"Sheldon: Smell that? That’s the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes!",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: No red and yellow, no red and yellow.","Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Yay.,Howard: It’s green.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you’re finally home.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.","Howard: Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.","Sheldon: Okay, I’m sleepy now, get out.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Oh, no.","Howard: Oh. All right, playtime’s over. Let’s open this baby up.",Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: Boy, oh, boy, that’s a lot of pieces.",Sheldon: Penny.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: You know what they all do, right?","Howard: Yes, of course.",Sheldon: No. Start over.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: What about this one?,"Howard: Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?",Sheldon: Sleepy kitty.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Not very.,Howard: That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.,Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: So, can you get it working?",Howard: I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station.,Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Raj: Hey, guys.",Howard: Hey.,Sheldon: Sing soft kitty.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Hello.,Raj: I have to return the helicopter. My father… What did you do?,"Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Howard: Relax, it’ll be fine.","Raj: No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.",Sheldon: I’m homesick.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.,Raj: What?,Sheldon: I can’t sleep. how are you going?,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment.,"Howard: Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.",Sheldon: Penny.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.",Howard: One toy at a time.,Sheldon: Alright. Goodnight.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Raj: What’s the first one?,Howard: Suicide.,Sheldon: May I say one last thing.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Raj: You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.","Howard: It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.","Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Bernadette: Why don’t you just call tech support?,Howard: Hey.,"Sheldon: I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Bernadette: I call tech support all the time.,Howard: Ha-ha.,Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch.,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Scene: The apartment. ,"Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?","Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very helpful.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Raj: Check.,Howard: Battery charged?,"Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Howard: All right. All systems go. In five…,"Together: Four, three, two, one.",Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Tech Support Voice: Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.,"Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.",Sheldon: Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Bernadette: Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.,"Howard: Well, I’m not flying it.",Sheldon: Can you?,0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Sheldon: Then who is?,Howard: I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.,"Sheldon: I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,"Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.","Tech Support Guy: Tech Support, can I help you?","Sheldon: Hmm, I see.",0
Series 08 Episode 22 – The Graduation Transmission,Leonard: So you really think they liked it?,"Penny: Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I…","Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.",Amy: It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.,Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Penny: Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.","Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they’re a bouquet of severed plant genitals.",Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Amy: Do you think the moms will get along?,"Leonard: Uh, I don’t know. They’re pretty different.",Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Scene: The apartment.,"Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.","Sheldon: Okay, that’s question 20, you have to guess.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother.","Mrs Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, that’s not going to interest me at all, just eat.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.","Mrs Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.","Sheldon: No, it’s the accepted convention. How was your day?",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?","Mrs Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.","Sheldon: So, how was your day?",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?",Mrs Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?,"Sheldon: Sure, why not? And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. ‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Dr Hofstadter: Ugh.,"Leonard: Hey, look who’s here.",Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.","Dr Hofstadter: Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive.",Sheldon: You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Dr Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.","Leonard: That’s so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.",Sheldon: You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Mrs Cooper: He did?,"Dr Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he’s terrific.",Sheldon: What’s it doing in my apartment?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Leonard: You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.","Dr Hofstadter: Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?",Sheldon: Where?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.","Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.",Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.","Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.",Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.","Sheldon: Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No!",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.","Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Raj: I do. And some of it’s wool, so dry flat if possible.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, and here’s a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.",Dr Hofstadter: You don’t look very happy.,"Sheldon: Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.",Mrs Cooper: Shelly does not like change.,"Sheldon: I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Dr Hofstadter: Hello. Oh, okay.","Penny: Sorry, I forgot.",Sheldon: Good. I’m glad.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Penny: Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.","Dr Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.",Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.",Leonard: We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?,"Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, sure.",Leonard: It came from Tiffany’s.,Sheldon: I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Leonard: Keep walking.,Penny: Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.,"Sheldon: You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where  you can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?,"Leonard: Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.",Sheldon: I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having  what appears be an emotional response?,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?,"Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner.","Sheldon: I bet he’s someone from Babylon 5, we’re never going to guess.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.","Leonard: Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.",Sheldon: I don’t like this game.,0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.","Penny: Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.","Sheldon: I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Scene: A coffee shop.,Dr Hofstadter: I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.",Dr Hofstadter: I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.,"Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.",Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.,"Sheldon: That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.",Dr Hofstadter: I suppose.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no, don’t wake her. She’ll maul you like a rabid wolverine.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.,Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?,"Sheldon: Darn tootin’, I win.",0
Series 08 Episode 23 – The Maternal Combustion,"Leonard: Oh, really? That’s too bad.","Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.","Sheldon: So, I win.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Can you believe it’s been five years since our first date?,"Sheldon: So, I win.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?,Amy: That’s what you’re thinking about?,Sheldon: I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Well, one of the things.",Amy: Are any of them me?,Sheldon: Au contraire.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.",Amy: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.","Amy: I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.","Sheldon: Yeah, herbal tea for me, please.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.,"Amy: Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?",Sheldon: Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.","Amy: Oh, sure, I’d love to.",Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers’ market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.",Leonard: Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite?,"Sheldon: Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: What happened?,"Penny: Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals.",Sheldon: Isn’t it a little late for coffee?,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Been there.,Penny: Mmm. So what do you need help with?,Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.",Penny: Okay. Were you talking before she got upset?,"Sheldon: Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: That’s probably it. What’d you say to her?,"Sheldon: Vintage doesn’t even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It’s the buggy beta version.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.",Penny: And that made her angry?,"Sheldon: Chinese food, vintage video games. After the nightmare of Anything Can Happen Thursday, this is Friday night the way it was meant to be.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.","Penny: Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her.",Sheldon: My original point.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Penny: Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard?,Leonard: I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.,"Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.",Leonard: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.,Sheldon: Would you rather I offer my personal insight?,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.","Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.","Sheldon: Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.","Penny: Okay, see, that’s even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.","Sheldon: A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Leonard: Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em.,Penny: Still haven’t heard from her?,Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.","Penny: Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.",Sheldon: Are you ill?,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Too slow?,"Penny: Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together.","Sheldon: Look at that, that’s a dent. Thank you, Howard Ham-Fisted Wolowitz. Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.,"Penny: Uh, hello.","Sheldon: So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Hello.,"Penny: No. Sheldon, we’re getting married.","Sheldon: Once again, defeated by your own prurient interests.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.","Penny: Well, we will. We’re just not in a rush.","Sheldon: Leonard, we need a ruling.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Okay.,Leonard: We’re gonna set a date.,"Sheldon: Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Leonard: Yeah, we’ll pick a date when we pick a date.",Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: No, you!",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Okay.,"Penny: You know, I can see why Amy’s mad at you.",Sheldon: Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Leonard: Well, of course I know why. But just for fun, why?","Penny: Not in a rush, busy with work…",Sheldon: I need it for my Robin collection.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Well, you want a date, pick a date.","Leonard: It’s not just the date. We haven’t talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor?",Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Leonard: Fine. I want black-tie.,Penny: Fine. I want to release butterflies.,Sheldon: Why should I let it go? I saw it first.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Penny: Sounds perfect.,Leonard: Great.,Sheldon: Get her out of here.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Raj: Of ghosts, no. Of you, little bit.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: No, it’s okay.","Leonard: Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff.",Sheldon: A superb choice.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?","Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now.","Sheldon: Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?",Penny: Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything.,"Sheldon: Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m not a whiner.","Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Ew, 50? We’ll be old and gross.","Leonard: Yeah, but we’ll be old and gross together.",Sheldon: I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Penny: Vegas isn’t that far away.,Leonard: I’m in. Let’s do it.,"Sheldon: To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Penny: Oh, thank you.",Leonard: Thanks.,Sheldon: Fascinating.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Scene: The apartment. ,Amy (on skype): Hello.,"Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,"Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…","Amy: I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years.","Sheldon: Last night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic book night. Tonight, we’ll be going on Thursday, because it’s Anything Can Happen Thursday.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.,"Amy: Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.",Sheldon: All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.,0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Oh.,Amy: I hope you understand.,"Sheldon: Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.",0
Series 08 Episode 24 – The Commitment Determination,Sheldon: Okay.,"Amy: Bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Penny: No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.","Leonard: Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey.",Sheldon: We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?",Leonard: No. Why?,Sheldon: This is Thai food.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Good. Don’t do it.,Leonard: Why not?,Sheldon: Hu-u-u-uh…. Hu-u-u-uh!,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.",Leonard: What happened now?,"Sheldon: Oh, great now she’s jumping up and down on the bed.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Leonard: Amy broke up with Sheldon.,Penny: She did?,Sheldon: Only the modern green lantern is vulnerable to yellow.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Is Penny crying?,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.","Leonard: Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?",Sheldon: May I interject something here?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.","Leonard: Sheldon, uh, okay, just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.",Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Amy: Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.,"Penny: Amy, don’t be like that.","Sheldon: They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Why did I just hear Amy’s name?,Leonard: Penny’s on the phone with her.,"Sheldon: Good. See how it’s done, Leonard?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Leonard: Hey.,"Penny: She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.",Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Amy’s upset? Is it about me?,"Leonard: No, I think it’s because we’re eloping.",Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Outside Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Oh. What are you doing here?,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.","Amy: Well, it’s only been 11 hours.","Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.","Amy: Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know.",Sheldon: I’m just talking about bees. They’re on the discovery channel. What are you talking about?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?,Amy: Sure.,"Sheldon: You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.",Amy: We’re not back together.,"Sheldon: You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?","Amy: If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding.","Sheldon: Who is it? Oh hello, Penny, it’s open, come in. Sarcasm.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: And who’s this guy you’re taking?,Amy: There’s no guy.,"Sheldon: Oh, great! now, I have to start all over again. (Rubs out imaginary workings)",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.",Amy: I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends.,"Sheldon: It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?",Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.,"Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Stuart: Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.","Bernadette: For God’s sake, Sheldon, what are you doing?",Sheldon: He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Howard: I’m on it.,"Amy: Sheldon, you being here might not be making things better.",Sheldon: How does one sort of…,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Leonard: We’re good.,Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s House.,"Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another.",Raj: Didn’t even crack the top ten.,Sheldon: Come.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Amy: I said I needed time to think.,Raj: I’m sure you guys will figure something out.,"Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: You hear that? Raj is devastated.,"Bernadette: Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting.","Sheldon: You’re welcome, Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.",Howard: I’m not taking sides.,"Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Howard: Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.","Bernadette: No, we totally won.",Sheldon: You don’t jog.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.",Amy: It’s because you’re not giving me any space to think.,"Sheldon: Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Amy: You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.",Bernadette: Amy.,Sheldon: Welcome to the building.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon (on phone): Hello, Mother.",Mrs Cooper: Shelly! How’s my baby doing?,Sheldon: Alicia?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, what’s going on?","Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: She broke up with me.,"Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly.",Sheldon: I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.","Mrs Cooper: Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.,Mrs Cooper: You want to tell me what happened?,"Sheldon: Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?,Mrs Cooper: Good chance.,Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Then no, thank you.","Mrs Cooper: Well, honey, don’t send it back yet. Your sister’s married, and I’m not letting your brother give my grandmother’s ring to that whore he’s dating.",Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Penny: I thought I was okay, but it turns out I’m not.","Leonard: Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.","Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.",Leonard: I’m not glowing. I’m upset.,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon (outside): Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny? Knock, knock, knock, Penny?",Penny: What’s this?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.",Penny: Oh. That’s so sweet of you.,Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.",Penny: I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy.,Sheldon: I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.","Penny: You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.","Sheldon: Oh, no, the new ones, they’re here.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: He does? Who is it?,Penny: Some girl named Mandy.,"Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely  PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Mandy Chao?,Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,than Leonard.,Penny: That’s great.,"Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.",Penny: That’s ridiculous.,Sheldon: You can’t know that. How can you possibly know that?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.",Penny: I’m with Leonard.,"Sheldon: I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?",Penny: Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it.,"Sheldon: No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?,Penny: I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.,Sheldon: The horror!,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?,"Penny: Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.","Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.",Penny: Sheldon.,Sheldon: The horror!,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?",Penny: Sure.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Stuart: Really?,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Not bad? It’s horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it’ll happen to you.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: Would you like to hear another reason why men are better than women?,"Leonard: Sure, let’s make it an even hundred.","Sheldon: Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.,Leonard: I wouldn’t.,"Sheldon: No problem. I’ll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.,"Leonard: Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one.","Sheldon: Look at Planck’s Constant. People say it’s arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let’s reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that’s not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we’re being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let’s call it universe prime, there’s another Sheldon, let’s call him Sheldon prime…",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.",Leonard: I figured that out.,"Sheldon: Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.",0
Series 09 Episode 01 – The Matrimonial Momentum,Sheldon: You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.,Leonard: Can’t believe I’m spending my wedding night with you.,"Sheldon: You’re right, of course.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Why are you up?,"Leonard: How am I supposed to sleep? I’ve been married less than 24 hours, and my wife isn’t speaking to me.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Penny: You couldn’t sleep either?,Leonard: Of course not.,"Sheldon: No, I don’t drink coffee.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Penny: I don’t know.,"Leonard: Please, tell me how I can fix it.","Sheldon: Thank you. You hear any union talk, you let me know.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Penny: Actually, I think he’s onto something.","Leonard: You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy?","Sheldon: Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Penny: That’s true. You are.,Leonard: What is happening?,Sheldon: I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on skype): Sheldon, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again.","Sheldon: Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night’s work.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Well, hello to you, too.",Amy: What do you want?,"Sheldon: Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.",Amy: What baby?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.,Amy: I’m hanging up.,Sheldon: We should get to work.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Great. See you in about half an hour.,"Amy: Sheldon, I am not doing Fun With Flags with you.","Sheldon: Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Why not?,Amy: Because we’re broken up.,"Sheldon: Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.",Amy: No one’s talking about Sonny and Cher.,Sheldon: Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.","Amy: Sheldon, this has to stop. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I’ve seen and talked to you more in the two days we’ve been broken up than in the last two months that we were together.",Sheldon: Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Scene: Amy’s apartment. Sheldon knocks three times. ,Amy: What are you doing here?,Sheldon: What I want is irrelevant. This is Penny’s decision. Penny?,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.,Amy: And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door.,"Sheldon: Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.",Amy: Just give me the box.,Sheldon: – What’s wrong with it?,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?,Amy: Fine. My old scarf.,Sheldon: It’s not my apartment.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?,"Amy: You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia?","Sheldon: Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: We made one heck of a team, huh?",Amy: Whose bra is this?,Sheldon: Wow.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.",Amy: It’s Penny’s.,Sheldon: Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.",Amy: Good-bye.,"Sheldon: Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon (entering): Hello.,"Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy?","Sheldon: Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.","Penny: Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information.",Sheldon: Intriguing.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.,"Penny: Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman?","Sheldon: It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.","Leonard: Wake up, wake up, wake up.",Sheldon: Hot glue.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: Bring Penny to meet Mandy.,Leonard: What? Why?,"Sheldon: Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.","Leonard: Uh, first of all, you made that guy cry.",Sheldon: I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Penny: No, but now that you’re being weird about it, maybe I should.",Leonard: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?,"Sheldon: You’re thinking of the moving assembly line, an understandable but not excusable mistake. No. The moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low-unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn’t one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Leonard: How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.,"Penny: Yeah, well, maybe she has interest in you.","Sheldon: That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Bernadette: Oh, me neither, not until just now.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon (on screen): And then the Czech Republic says to Slovakia, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. Can you believe that? You’d think that the Czech Republic would try to hold on to what it had, given that it’s not as young as it used to be. And I don’t see any other countries lining up to invade its southern borders.",Amy: I’m gonna kill him.,Sheldon: Want me to show my work?,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: Sheldon, I can’t believe you got us a wedding gift.",Sheldon: You’re questioning my math?,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.",Leonard: What is this?,Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Leonard: Wow.,Penny: That’s so great.,"Sheldon: That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.",0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.",Penny: We?,Sheldon: All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Penny: Oh, no, no, I just, I said, Whee.",Amy (at door): How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?,Sheldon: Sarcasm. Good-bye.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,"Sheldon: You saw through that one, did you?","Amy: I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now.",Sheldon: Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.,0
Series 09 Episode 02 – The Separation Oscillation,Sheldon: She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.,Amy: I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line this is gonna make you mad.,Sheldon: And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Would you pass the mustard?,"Leonard: Sure. Hey, want to hear a fun fact about mustard?","Sheldon: Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?,Leonard: Yeah.,Sheldon: Of course I could.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Leonard: What are you talking about?,"Raj: Well, you eloped and we didn’t get a chance to throw you a bachelor party, so there’s a van downstairs and we’re here to take you to a surprise location for the weekend.",Sheldon: I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Raj: Yeah, Penny packed you a bag.","Howard: Wow, okay.","Sheldon: Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?,"Raj: Oh, not just him, you’re coming, too.","Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Oh, and how do you think you’re going to get me to do that?","Scene: Outside, by a van.",Sheldon: Before taxes.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Credits sequence.,Scene: The van.,"Sheldon: No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: It’s bad enough I’m being taken against my will. I don’t see why it has to be in some hippie’s mobile sex dungeon.,"Howard: Well, Sheldon, there’s something about this van that you’re going to find very interesting.",Sheldon: And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: It runs on syphilis?,"Raj: This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero, Richard Feynman.",Sheldon: How many of these can you make a day?,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Raj: Yeah, nothing’s been changed since he drove it.",Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.,Sheldon: Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Howard: We are going to Me-hi-co.,"Leonard: Fun, I’ve never been there.",Sheldon: I think you’re just making that up.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.",Raj: What’s wrong with Mexico?,Sheldon: And you’re going to let her handle my food?,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.","Howard: Okay, calm down. There’s a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman’s van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.",Sheldon: What’s her name?,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Amy: Boy, that was a long night for me.",Scene: The van.,Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Uh-oh. According to this Mexican customs website, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.",Raj: We don’t have any of those.,Sheldon: Good for you. Sign here.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.","Leonard: If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now?","Sheldon: Obviously, not a cleaning business.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?,Howard: You don’t need a yellow fever shot to go to Mexico.,"Sheldon: Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Howard: I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool.","Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: It is extraordinary.,"Raj: Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.","Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.","Howard: Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.",Sheldon: You have to sign this.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What was that?,Howard: I think it’s a tyre.,Sheldon: Excuse me.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?,Howard: It’s the tyre.,Sheldon: This package came while you were at work.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: Leonard?,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: It’s eleven am.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Raj: When did you learn how to change a tyre?,Howard: Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Raj: There’s got to be a smarter way of removing it.,"Leonard: Yeah, this is nothing more than a physics problem.","Sheldon: So, Penny has a don’t knock on my door before eleven o’clock  or I punch you in the throat rule.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Howard: Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.,"Leonard: Let’s see, a lever, a lever.",Sheldon: – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Raj: If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.","Howard: No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision.","Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.","Raj: If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk?","Sheldon: Fine! Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.","Leonard: Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn’t a perfectly reasonable choice, but we’re scientists. Don’t you think we can figure this out using actual science?","Sheldon: So, I’m thinking, you won the Nobel Prize what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of what has Smoot done lately? My thought is we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and when we win the Nobel Prize, you’ll be back on top.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Raj: I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.,Leonard: They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands.,"Sheldon: Okay, now you’re going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up, now, please put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck’s mouth.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?,Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.,"Sheldon: No, it’s a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Now, did you hear the click?",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: We do?,Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.,"Sheldon: You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.",0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Leonard: It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up.,Caption: Scientific Principle: Accelerated Corrosion.,Sheldon: Nobody calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw!,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Sheldon: What is that awful smell?,Howard: It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.,Sheldon: I’m back.,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,"Howard: Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.",Caption: Scientific Principle: Exothermic Reaction.,Sheldon: Put down the letters!,0
Series 09 Episode 03 – The Batchelor Party Corrosion,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy’s ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.",Sheldon: Don’t read those letters!,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,,Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: That’s the wrong box. Put it back.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.","Penny: Oh, we’re glad you had fun.","Sheldon: Yes, I’m still here. Where am I going? I’m on a train. Now, what you’ll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman’s sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman’s Sphere. It’s a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.",Leonard: I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man.,"Sheldon: All right, now, before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this onetime grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It’s a legal right",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?","Leonard: It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space.","Sheldon: No! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: What’s wrong with your closet?,"Penny: Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together.","Sheldon: Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?,"Leonard: Come on, buddy.","Sheldon: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be…",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.","Penny: Sheldon, please, we already feel bad about this.",Sheldon: I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Credits sequence.,Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.,Sheldon: It’s Sheldon.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.,Bernadette: Of course.,"Sheldon: Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.",Bernadette: Aw. I’m honoured.,"Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.","Bernadette: So, I’m your seventh choice.",Sheldon: People don’t go in my room!,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.",Bernadette: How can I help you?,Sheldon: Penny would have to go into my room.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.","Bernadette: Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.",Sheldon: The key is hidden in my room.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Stuart: Hey.,Bernadette: Hey. You know who would be the perfect roomie?,Sheldon: But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Stuart: Me, too. But I, uh, might have Lyme Disease.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Are you going to be sarcastic?,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Just a few more signatures, and we’ll be finished. Initial here to acknowledge that you’ve returned your key. Okay. As my future neighbour, I’d like you to have a key. Initial here to acknowledge you received it.",Penny: I’m proud of you. You’re taking this really well.,"Sheldon: Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.",Leonard: Do I really have to do that now?,"Sheldon: You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train)",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Penny: What’s the matter?,Leonard: It’s harder than I thought.,"Sheldon: Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Raj: That’s how much we’re gonna melt people’s faces off.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.,Bespectacled Man: Sure.,Sheldon: It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?,Bespectacled Man: Is that supposed to be a joke?,Sheldon: You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Sheldon: Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.,Fade to another candidate.,Sheldon: So we have to go back.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?",Fade to another candidate.,Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?",Fade to another candidate.,"Sheldon: Oh, no.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.","Amy (on Skype): I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon.",Sheldon: and the upper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you’re going as far as Portland.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.",Amy: I’m sure you’ll find somebody else.,"Sheldon: Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?","Amy: I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.",Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.",Amy: I don’t think that was the point of the movie.,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Leonard: Oh, thank God.","Penny: Hey, we’re going to dinner. You want to come?",Sheldon: I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Leonard: You heard him, no.","Penny: Hang on. Wait, you actually think it’s 2003?",Sheldon: Whee!,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Amy: Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: Hello, 2003.","Leonard: Hey, we brought you Thai. Where is everything?","Sheldon: Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.","Leonard: I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening.","Sheldon: He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways’ magnificent Ranakpur Express and its twelve hundred kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.",Leonard: Will you knock it off? We’re across the hall.,"Sheldon: Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.",Penny: They’re not saying that.,Sheldon: That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.","Penny: Okay, you don’t know what’s gonna happen.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.","Penny: Okay, look, we don’t need to rush into anything. All right? Maybe instead of Leonard moving in with me, we just leave things the way they are, and sometimes we’ll sleep over there, and sometimes we’ll sleep over here.",Sheldon: What on earth are you doing?,0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Leonard: Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant?","Penny: Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog.","Sheldon: Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.",0
Series 09 Episode 04 – The 2003 Approximation,"Sheldon: You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.",Leonard: Fine.,Sheldon: I don’t follow.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Leonard: Hey, ready for lunch?","Howard: Oh, one sec.","Sheldon: Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Raj: When was the last actual exercise you got?,"Howard: The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.","Sheldon: I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.",Raj: Are you?,"Sheldon: Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.","Sheldon: Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Penny: Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.","Leonard: I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club.","Sheldon: We’re not flying, we’re taking the train.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.,"Leonard: It’s indoors, so no sunscreen.",Sheldon: It’s like talking to a chimp.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.",Leonard: No gym shorts that can be yanked down.,"Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Or worse, up.",Leonard: Preach.,"Sheldon: I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the nonequilibrium Green’s function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.",Leonard: What about a game of tag on a French schoolyard?,"Sheldon: But once you open the box, you’ve voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we’ve entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Raj: I feel cool. Like Puss in Boots.,Leonard: I always wanted to be a swashbuckler when I was a kid.,"Sheldon: Stop. We can’t do this, it’s not right.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Raj: Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer.","Barry: Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now.","Sheldon: Well, if we’re going to descend into anarchy (Shoots Leonard)",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Howard: Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today.,Barry: Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward.,Sheldon: She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Oh, dear.","Barry: What’s wong, Cooper?","Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.","Howard: When you’re in a public restroom, which foot do you flush the toilet with?",Sheldon: That was for my cushion.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup.,"Barry: Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee.","Sheldon: Right, just one thing before we start.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?",Barry: Yes.,Sheldon: I still don’t like this cushion.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?,"Barry: In fencing, we don’t call it a stab. We call it a touch.",Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Barry: With your foil extended, kick your fwont weg up and push off with your back weg. Now you twy. And again. And again.",Raj: Look at us. We’re like the Rockettes.,Sheldon: What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Howard: I thought you were Puss in Boots.,"Raj: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die.","Sheldon: But. Oh, this changes everything.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.,Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.",Leonard: When was your honour insulted?,Sheldon: What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Raj: My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.,Howard: My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die.,Sheldon: Yes. From Szechuan Palace.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Leonard: Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy.",Barry: What’s going on with Amy?,Sheldon: More?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.",Barry: Weawwy? Good to know.,Sheldon: Nope.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?,"Leonard: Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her.",Sheldon: There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, that’s unacceptable.","Leonard: Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.","Leonard: Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point.","Sheldon: From that key maker, I highly doubt it.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: You really think so?,Leonard: Of course. She deserves to be happy.,Sheldon: This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Scene: Later.,"Leonard: Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn’t a good idea.","Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?”",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Barry, a word?",Leonard: And now the crazy version of what I just said.,Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.",Barry: And how are you gonna do that?,"Sheldon: You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: By challenging you to a duel.,Barry: You’ve had one wesson. I’ll destwoy you.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”?",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Scene: A sports bar.,"Leonard: I’m surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.","Sheldon: That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Leonard: If you’re cranky and retaining water, I have a theory.","Howard: Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl.",Sheldon: Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.,"Raj: Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you.",Sheldon: I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.",Leonard: Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends?,"Sheldon: Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.","Raj: Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn’t work.",Sheldon: They don’t talk incessantly for no particular reason.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: Three.,"Howard: Oh, boy.",Sheldon: Koothrappali picked me up.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.",Woman: What?,Sheldon: Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: It’s a Pokémon reference.,Woman: I don’t know what that means.,Sheldon: I’m not unhappy.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?","Older woman: I’m married, and I’m her grandmother.","Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Amy: Oh, I don’t have to imagine it.",Scene: The stairwell.,Sheldon: What difference does it make?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.,Leonard: You’re just sweaty from exercise.,"Sheldon: No, I’m going to the comic book store.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: I know it only takes one doctor’s finger.,Amy: Hello.,Sheldon: You’re in my spot.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Leonard: We should let you guys talk.,Bernadette: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Hello, Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Bernadette: Walk.,Amy: How have you been?,"Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.,Amy: How’d that go?,Sheldon: Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.,"Amy: Well, actually, he, he already did.","Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I’m done.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.",Amy: I said no.,"Sheldon: The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.",0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,"Sheldon: Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.",Amy: I didn’t know you were interested in dating.,Sheldon: I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.,0
Series 09 Episode 05 – The Perspiration Implementation,Sheldon: I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.,"Amy: Oh. Okay. Anyway, um, it’s nice to see you. You look good.","Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,,Scene: Leonard’s lab.,Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’ve got terrible news.",Leonard: What’s going on?,"Sheldon: Because you chose your mother’s veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.",Leonard: Just tell me.,"Sheldon: All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.,"Leonard: Oh, well, that kind of stinks.",Sheldon: And I told you I wanted to see a doctor’s note.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.,Leonard: What are we going to do?,Sheldon: I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.,"Leonard: I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month.","Sheldon: The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.,Leonard: That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes.,"Sheldon: You see right through me, don’t you?",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.,Leonard: Let’s go check to see if the university has any helium in reserve.,"Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Leonard: Hey, Barry, we’re in trouble. We need liquid helium, does the department have any we can use?","Barry: Sowwy, there’s a showtage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.","Sheldon: Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Barry: Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?",Leonard: Yes.,"Sheldon: So, what do you think?",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Not a chance.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: I’d like to do the math.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?",Barry: Hell no.,Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Howard: Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo.,"Raj: Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo.","Sheldon: It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Howard: If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.",Leonard: Who is he?,Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Where does he work?,Leonard: How does he get the helium?,Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: How many questions are too many questions?,Howard: Maybe he’s not for you.,Sheldon: My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Oh, hey. I just heard back from the liquid helium guy.","Sheldon: Oh, I can’t believe that.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: What’s he say?,Leonard: He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight.,Sheldon: I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?",Leonard: The man restocking the cereal shelves.,Sheldon: I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: That’s right. And what did he do?,Leonard: He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch.,Sheldon: You went to the comic book store without me.7,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: It’s like it was yesterday.,Leonard: Do you want liquid helium or not?,Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o’clock.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.,Leonard: Then I’m going to tell him we’re in.,"Sheldon: It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.","Leonard: We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys.","Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Was she helping him with his research?,"Leonard: Sure. So, are we doing this?","Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, but where does he get the helium?",Leonard: Remember? Don’t ask too many questions?,"Sheldon: You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.","Leonard: A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man.",Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.",Leonard: Done.,Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?,"Leonard: Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.",Sheldon: Aw…,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Scene: A parking garage.,Leonard: That must be him.,Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Man: What’s up?,"Leonard: Uh, I’m Leonard. This is my friend…",Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Man: Great. You got the cash?,"Leonard: Uh, yeah, uh, right here.",Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?","Leonard: What ya doing, Skippy?",Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.,"Man: Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me?","Sheldon: Yes, yes. Yeah, I’m definitely going with colonoscopy.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.,"Leonard: Look, you can trust us. We’re respected scientists.","Sheldon: He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.","Man: Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me.","Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.,"Man: Ah, no money, no helium. Seems we’re at a, uh, stalemate.","Sheldon: That’s your badge of honour, your warrior’s wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?,"Man: Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that.","Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.","Man: Hmm, I don’t follow.",Sheldon: Darn. I can’t seem to get the hang of that.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.",Man: Is that a threat?,Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.","Man: Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground.","Sheldon: Hello, Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?,"Leonard: Afraid so, Skippy.","Sheldon: Congratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard has “I owe Penny $1800, Kurt” written on his forehead.) ",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Leonard: No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.",Man: Really? What’s the hypothesis?,Sheldon: I’ve got it. He didn’t remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Man: Hmm. Could be, could be. Go on.","Leonard: Okay, but now there’s this Swedish team that read our paper and they’re trying to beat us to our own discovery. We really need this helium.",Sheldon: I remember him.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.,"Man: Well, for the right amount of money, if you know where they live, there’s, uh, plenty we could do about it.",Sheldon: You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Raj: You may want to leave the room.,Scene: Leonard’s lab.,Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.",Leonard: Will you stop with that already?,"Sheldon: They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: I’m trying not to attract attention.,Leonard: And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that?,Sheldon: They did.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?,Leonard: Let’s just start the experiment.,"Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.",Leonard: We’re not getting caught.,Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?","Leonard: The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up.","Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: Uh-oh.,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Outside? I just made cocoa.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, did you see this sticker?",Leonard: What is it?,"Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I’ve moved my money out of the snake can.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.",Leonard: It’s probably USC or UCLA.,"Sheldon: Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.",Leonard: Let’s not jump to conclusions. A lot of things start with U.,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: Thank you for coming back.,"Man: Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take.","Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner’s here.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Man: Yeah, well, is there something wrong with it?","Leonard: No, nothing. We just changed our mind.","Sheldon: I’m at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there’s a blunder I overlooked.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: Thank you.,Man: But you ain’t getting your money back.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.,"Man: No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee.","Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: I don’t understand.,Leonard: He wants more money.,Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.",Man: That’s exactly how much it is.,Sheldon: Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Stuart: Damn it.,Scene: Leonard’s lab. ,"Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won’t get gang-noogied in prison.",Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you’ve seen?,Sheldon: Was that sarca..,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Leonard: Thank you, Barry.",Barry: But you have to add my name to your paper.,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Leonard: Can you give us a minute?,Barry: Take your time. I’ll walk out backwards for dwamatic effect.,Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: It says right here on Wikipedia. A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties.,"Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.",0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?,"Helium Man: They should’ve used among, right?",Sheldon: Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.,0
Series 09 Episode 06 – The Helium Insufficiency,"Sheldon: Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.","Helium Man: All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?",Sheldon: Ask me why.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?,"Leonard: You tell me, you woke up in bed with one.","Sheldon: You know, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I think I’d be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.,Leonard: Why is he writing to you?,Sheldon: Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.","Raj: Oh. Hey, high five.",Sheldon: Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?",Penny: Yes. Don’t take your shirt off just because the director said so.,Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.",Adam: Nice to meet you.,Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Scene: The apartment.,"Adam: All right, we’re just gonna have a conversation. Pretend the camera’s not here.","Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Leonard: And what are you getting him back for?,Adam: Let’s start with your name and occupation.,Sheldon: This is money I’m not using.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.",Adam: And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock?,Sheldon: Don’t you need money?,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.",Adam: What was it about Spock that appealed to you?,Sheldon: I’m never silly. Here.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Penny: Yeah, you probably had it coming.",Adam: Do you have any Spock collectibles?,Sheldon: That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Penny: Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.",Adam: Can we see the napkin?,Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.,Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?,"Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.,Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?,"Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: When we got the security camera.,Leonard: There’s a security camera?,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.","Penny: Oh, my God. We’ve done things on that couch.","Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Howard: When is your visa up?,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, you didn’t specify.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy’s DNA.,"Wil: Um, doesn’t Adam count as Leonard Nimoy’s DNA?",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.","Penny: Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there?","Sheldon: They’re right, it was the only option.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Wouldn’t you like to know?,Penny: I would.,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, you know I can’t do that.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.",Leonard: You have a will?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees?",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Wil: Wil won’t.,"Penny: Oh, what’s that ring box?","Sheldon: Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: What?,Leonard: You bought her a ring?,Sheldon: They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.","Wil: Sheldon, that’s awful.","Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.","Penny: Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this?","Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.,"Leonard: Oh, man, I’m sorry, that must have been devastating for you.",Sheldon: The problem appears to be unsolvable.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon (shouting): I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?",Adam: Did you find that helpful?,"Sheldon: Oh. This entire endeavour seems to have been an exercise in futility. Raj, you’re back in. He likes monkeys.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: I knew I could smell ’em.,Adam: What about from when you were a kid?,Sheldon: I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.",Adam: Did it work?,Sheldon: No? But we’re friends!,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.",Adam: That must have been very upsetting for you.,"Sheldon: So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.",Penny: Oh pfft.,"Sheldon: Yeah. Shoulda, woulda coulda, Raj.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Excuse me?,Penny: I’m sorry. I’m not here.,"Sheldon: Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Leonard: Just like you.,"Penny: I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else.","Sheldon: No. You, too, are safe.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.","Penny: Sweetie, you’re yelling.","Sheldon: Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Leonard: I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.,Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Hello.,"Leonard: Hey, buddy. How you doing?","Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Leonard: Oh, yeah.",Penny: Definitely.,Sheldon: D-d-d! That’s where I sit.,0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Penny: Are you telling the truth?,Leonard: Nirsh.,"Sheldon: Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.",Penny: What are you gonna do?,"Sheldon: Well, it’s not exactly a plan but I think I’m going to pass out.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Kirk (on screen): Dr. Dana feels he isn’t that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?,Spock (on screen): Because she feels. I don’t. All I know is logic.,"Sheldon: No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,"Sheldon: Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?","Leonard: Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.","Sheldon: Yeah, I don’t think I can.",0
Series 09 Episode 07 – The Spock Resonance,Sheldon: Those are very wise words.,Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Leonard: Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.","Penny: Oh, I don’t want credit for that.",Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.",Leonard: You’re in a good mood.,Sheldon: I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Penny: Oh. Good for you.,Leonard: What brought this on?,"Sheldon: Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.",Penny: And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman.,"Sheldon: Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.","Leonard: Hey, I made French toast sticks.","Sheldon: Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: On oatmeal day?,"Leonard: Ah, I also made oatmeal.","Sheldon: This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: No problem.,Raj: So what’s up?,"Sheldon: Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.",Howard: You sure you’re up for that? She did hurt you.,"Sheldon: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy.,"Raj: Hey, the jaw wants what it wants.",Sheldon: It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay.",Howard: But what are you looking for?,"Sheldon: See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.",Howard: Isn’t that a little unreasonable?,Sheldon: Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Scene: The apartment.,Howard: I think the quickest way to find you a new girlfriend is just to get you on every dating Web site out there.,Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.",Raj: And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you?,"Sheldon: Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.","Howard: If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest?",Sheldon: I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.",Howard: You seriously think women would fight for you?,"Sheldon: Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.","Howard: Well, he’s smart, he’s a respected scientist.",Sheldon: Oh I do like monkeys!,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Raj: I don’t know if I’d say you… oh.,"Howard: I have an idea. What if we put a post on Craigslist that says world-class Caltech physicist seeking girlfriend. If interested, solve the following puzzles for a chance to meet him.",Sheldon: Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Penny: But you’re curious about aluminium cans? You’re a weird little guy.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Oh! I love trains!,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: Congratulations.,Raj: This is exciting.,Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.",Howard: Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire.,Sheldon: Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: I, I hope we didn’t make the puzzles too hard.","Howard: Well, if she can solve them, it’ll prove she’s intelligent, tenacious and so socially awkward she has nothing better to do on a Saturday night.","Sheldon: Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Scene: The apartment.,Raj: 37 minutes left until the deadline.,Sheldon: Family or friend?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Howard: And no matter what happens, this is still a fun experiment.",Raj: Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives.,Sheldon: Coping with the death of a loved one. My condolences.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: Someone will show.,"Raj: Maybe you don’t want someone exactly like you. You know what they say, opposites attract.",Sheldon: You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Scene: The apartment.,Raj: Sixty seconds. This is not looking good.,Sheldon: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Howard: I’ve been telling women that for 20 years.,Raj: Forty-five.,"Sheldon: The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.",Raj: Thirty seconds.,Sheldon: The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?,Howard: What?,Sheldon: I did learn how to swim.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.",Howard: You thought she was great in X-Men.,Sheldon: What do you mean!?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Raj: Guys, fifteen seconds.",Howard: Maybe she’s waiting to show up at the last possible moment.,Sheldon: I don’t see how you could.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Howard: It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty.",Raj: Answer it.,Sheldon: What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: All right. Can I help you?,"Girl: Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist?","Sheldon: Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Girl: Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before.","Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.",0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: Careful, it’s addictive.","Vanessa: Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva.",Sheldon: How could I not?,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.","Vanessa: Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world.",Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.,0
Series 09 Episode 08 – The Mystery Date Observation,"Sheldon: I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.",Raj: How could you send her away?,"Sheldon: Your questionnaire, very disappointing.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Raj: I don’t sound like that.,Siri: Here are some images of naked grandma butts.,Sheldon: Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Penny: Mm-hmm.,"Bernadette: And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup kitchen, feeding food to the homeless.","Sheldon: You got it, buddy.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s up?","Sheldon: Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.",Amy: No one can go with you?,"Sheldon: I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.",Amy: Oh. Okay. Thank you.,"Sheldon: Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.,"Amy: Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends.","Sheldon: It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: You don’t think that will be awkward?,"Amy: Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine.",Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.",Amy: See you then.,Sheldon: First warning.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.",Amy: Did you know they served shellfish and eel at the very first Thanksgiving?,Sheldon: Well I think we’re off to a terrific start.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Penny: Oh, look at us. Our last Thanksgiving as husband and wife.",Scene: Amy’s car.,"Sheldon: Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Hi. Ready for the aquarium?,Sheldon: What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.",Amy: If that makes you more comfortable.,"Sheldon: Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?",Amy: No. You?,"Sheldon: Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?",Amy: I might go visit my aunt next week.,"Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the Cocoa Bean, from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore!",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?,"Amy: No, the one in Bakersfield.",Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Howard: It’s not like I’m expecting them to sing.,Scene: Amy’s car. ,Sheldon: It is extracted from the plant…,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: and then the next day was 73 degrees, and the day after that was 72, and then it was 72 again, uh, then it was 74, and that brings us to today, at I’d wear shorts if I had a pair. 78.",Amy: Are we done discussing the weather?,"Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant…",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.",Amy: Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet.,Sheldon: Just a toy robot?,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: All right. Well, what should we talk about?",Amy: I don’t know. Just ask me whatever comes to mind.,"Sheldon: You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Leonard: Well, you didn’t read it right. The new Star Wars is coming. Gah.",Scene: Amy’s car.,"Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: I’m sensing things have gotten awkward.,"Amy: No. It’s okay. If we’re friends, we should be able to talk about anything.","Sheldon: I did this. Monte was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: All right.,"Amy: So, you had some questions about me seeing other people.","Sheldon: Don’t hurt us, don’t hurt us,",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Just a few.,Amy: Go ahead.,Sheldon: Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.,Amy: Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment.,Sheldon: Do it.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Is that regular or honey nut?,Amy: I mixed them.,Sheldon: Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?,Amy: Just one. Are you doing okay?,"Sheldon: He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: I am.,Amy: Good. I want you to be happy.,"Sheldon: Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Howard: A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter? With Elon Musk, you bet I do.",Scene: The aquarium. ,"Sheldon: What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: You know, for a Thanksgiving buffet in an aquarium cafeteria, that was really bad.",Amy: You’re just upset ’cause they ran out of Pilgrim hats.,"Sheldon: No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake.,"Amy: Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby.","Sheldon: Have faith, gentlemen. We don’t need Wolowitz, engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?,Amy: Sure. What is it?,Sheldon: You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.","Amy: So it’s like Kiss, Marry, Kill.","Sheldon: Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: What is that?,"Amy: It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill.","Sheldon: We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.",Amy: Let’s just play.,Sheldon: Make it so.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.","Amy: Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated.",Sheldon: We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Very well done.,"Amy: Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants.",Sheldon: What do you mean?,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?",Amy: But you can pal around with a hagfish?,Sheldon: There are boundaries.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.","Amy: Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute.","Sheldon: Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.",Amy: I miss this.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: I’m glad you had a nice time with Amy.,Sheldon: His name is Monte.,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.","Penny: Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes.","Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you’re the one who’s peculiar.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.","Amy: Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Did you have a nice time?,"Amy: I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you.","Sheldon: If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.","Amy: It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again.","Sheldon: Yeah, this is an auspicious moment. Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.",0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,Sheldon: Oh. I thought we were just friends.,"Amy: We are. But I was hoping, maybe…",Sheldon: What did the toaster oven ever do to you?,0
Series 09 Episode 09 – The Platonic Permutation,"Sheldon: Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.",Amy: Okay. I understand.,Sheldon: Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Scene: The apartment. 2 days earlier.,Leonard: Since when do you hum songs?,"Sheldon: I know! It’s not enough, is it? Here.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: What are you talking about?,Leonard: You were just humming.,Sheldon: Be right back.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.",Leonard: How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?,Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon (singing): Who lives in a pineapple. Nope.,Leonard: Whatever. Can we just get back to this?,Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.",Leonard: It’s just an earworm. It’ll come to you.,"Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Leonard: Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service.",Penny: Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody.,"Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.","Penny: I told you if we were patient, he’d figure it out for himself.","Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon (singing): No they make my earlobes sweat.,"Penny: Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while?","Sheldon: Thank you, that’s very gracious.     Gentlemen.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.,"Penny: Okay, great. What is it?","Sheldon: It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.",Penny: I’ll pay a thousand dollars to watch you cut footloose.,"Sheldon: You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Leonard: Oh, yeah, he got a tuba.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Mmm, great news, Leonard, I’ve solved my Penny gift dilemma.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket. A straitjacket, ’cause 72’s the best and you’re crazy. Now, this is your spot. You’re very protective of it. When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly. It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable. People are also delighted by your love of pranks. For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee. It wasn’t replace it with Folger’s crystals, I’ll tell you that much.","Leonard: Hey, can we please get back to work?","Sheldon: Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world.,"Leonard: All right, just stop. This is ridiculous.","Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Dave: Yeah. Well, let’s change the subject. No more mentions of you-know-who. That’s a cool train. Where did you get that?",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: You put no thought into that.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Bah, bam, bum-bum, bah, bum, bum. This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?","Leonard: That’s a trick question, right?","Sheldon: No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Penny: Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.","Leonard: Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you.",Sheldon: That presupposes Penny is tense.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.,Penny: Maybe he just had bread in his pocket.,"Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Raj: No, never heard of ’em!",Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is listening to Darlin’,Sheldon: I don’t see anything in here a woman would want.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Leonard: I don’t know. It’s pretty catchy.,Penny: Do you even like the Beach Boys?,Sheldon: Yes? (Leonard falls through) Did you forget your key?,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: They have beach right in the name. What do you think?,"Leonard: Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls?","Sheldon: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I’m going to need a ride to the mall.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.,Penny: Why?,"Sheldon: No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Sheldon: It’s about Amy.,"Penny: Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her.",Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”","Penny: She did soften your life, didn’t she?","Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Dave: Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.","Amy: You know, I’m just being silly. I, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.",Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Dave: You’re kidding. How’s my hair?,"Amy: Sheldon, this, this isn’t a good time.",Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,Amy: What?,"Dave: If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me.","Sheldon: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.","Amy: No, it, it, it’s okay. Keep going?","Sheldon: No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.",0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Sheldon: Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.","Amy: I really want that, too.",Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist.,0
Series 09 Episode 10 – The Earworm Reverberation,"Amy: I love you, too.","Dave: Kiss her, you brilliant fool.",Sheldon: Nice motivational speech from the team captain.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: Guys, tickets already went on sale.",Sheldon: It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Raj: Wait. You’re sure they’re Star Wars tickets?,"Leonard: No, it’s Steel Magnolias 2: Even Steelier.",Sheldon: Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Raj: Guys, they’re gonna sell out.",Howard: What are we gonna do?!,Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.",Howard: Got ’em.,Sheldon: It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you’ve done since you’ve been here completely useless.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: I’m really happy you and Amy are back together.,Sheldon: So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, thank you.","Leonard: I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days.",Sheldon: Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.","Penny: Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amy’s birthday.",Sheldon: Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Penny: You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.,Leonard: I think Penny has a point. You can see it another day.,Sheldon: I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Arthur: Oh, great. This again.",Sheldon: Like what?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Arthur, what brings you back?","Arthur: Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream.","Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. It is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminate matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.","Arthur: And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you?",Sheldon: For how…,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.","Arthur: Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now?",Sheldon: I knew it! What do I do?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.","Arthur: And they, they, they don’t wear underwear.",Sheldon: Wha??,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?","Arthur: Uh, do, do you love this girl?",Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.,"Arthur: Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you.","Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?,"Arthur: Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her.",Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: You’re right.,Arthur: Great.,Sheldon: Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Amy’s bedroom. ,"Amy (answering phone): Sheldon, what’s wrong?","Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.,Amy: Okay.,Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.",Amy: Obi-what?,Sheldon: Do I have to pull out the paperwork again?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.","Amy: Okay. Good night. Wait. Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me?",Sheldon: Like hippies.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Leonard: I know. It’s still gonna be weird to see the movie without him.,"Howard: Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh) ","Sheldon: Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,Leonard: Hey. We’re going to the comic book store. You want to come?,Sheldon: What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon (to Howard): This is my ticket to Star Wars….,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Sheldon: Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Penny: Well, find out.",Bernadette: Come in.,"Sheldon: You’re welcome, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.",Penny: Come in.,"Sheldon: In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.,Bernadette: Just come in.,Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.",Penny: We’re sorry. What do you need?,Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.",Bernadette: Sure.,"Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.",Penny: Wow. You can really arrange that?,Sheldon: It’s not a big deal. We have latex gloves.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.",Bernadette: How about something a little more realistic?,"Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Penny: Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.,"Bernadette: Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.","Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.","Penny: Okay, well, what’s the third option?","Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Penny: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s, let’s, let’s just recap our options. All right, we’ve got harp thing, sheep thing.",Bernadette: Wild thang.,"Sheldon: I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Penny: Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.","Bernadette: Yeah, are you ready for this?","Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.","Penny: Sheldon, that’s so beautiful.","Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,Arthur: Why isn’t it ever Angie Dickinson’s bedroom?,"Sheldon: Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: You’re back.,"Arthur: It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me.",Sheldon: How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.","Arthur: Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot.","Sheldon: It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: So, can you help me?","Arthur: Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers…",Sheldon: Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.","Arthur: Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts.",Sheldon: Then it must be a tumour.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: I think they say junk.,"Arthur: What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know?",Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.","Arthur: Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay.","Sheldon: Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.","Arthur: Well, that’s, that’s very nice of you to say, but I think I’m just an expression of, of your unconscious mind.","Sheldon: If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Wil: Yeah? Live long and suck it.,Scene: Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: In which I am not an expert.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl.",Amy: Come in.,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Oh.,"Amy: Hi, Sheldon.","Sheldon: I had no choice, he cried in front of her.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.","Amy: That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water.","Sheldon: Well, you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can’t understand why women have such a hard time loving you.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.",Amy: Do you like it?,"Sheldon: You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: It’s kind of spooky.,Amy: I can change it back.,"Sheldon: She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.","Amy: So, what’d you have in mind for tonight?",Sheldon: Watery?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.","Amy: Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first.","Sheldon: Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.,Amy: You mean before you give it to me?,"Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can’t argue with her results. It’s a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?,Amy: Of course.,"Sheldon: FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Why are we saying give it to you like that?,"Amy: Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight.",Sheldon: Like a gladiator!,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.)",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: Hi.,"Sheldon: Go ahead, it’s pre-loosened.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Hello.,"Amy: So, um, should I get under the covers with you?","Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: All right. Hello.,Amy: Hi.,"Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?,"Amy: I’m just, um, really nervous.",Sheldon: I’m helping you with Stephanie.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Sheldon: Why?,"Amy: Well, I’ve been waiting for this for so long, I’ve just built it up in my head. I don’t know what to expect.",Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Raj: Leonard, I, I’m scared again.","Caption: A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away….","Sheldon: Oh, hi Stephanie.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.","Amy: Me, too.","Sheldon: I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Arthur: Uh, Sheldon? Sheldon?",Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?,0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.","Arthur: I, I was just curious. How, how’d it go?","Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?",0
Series 09 Episode 11 – The Opening Night Excitation,"Sheldon: Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.","Arthur: But, uh, what, what about Amy?",Sheldon: I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: May I come in?,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: I’m glad to see you made it safely. How’s your hotel?,"Amy (on Skype): It’s not the best Best Western I’ve been to, but I’d say it’s the third best Best Western I’ve been to.","Sheldon: So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.",Amy: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.","Amy: Okay, well, I should unpack.","Sheldon: Well, why not?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.,Amy: I will. I wish you were here.,"Sheldon: More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.,"Amy: Okay, I’m glad you’re not here?","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.","Amy: Good-bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?",Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.,Sheldon: Because?,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That sounds awful. Raj?,"Raj: Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me.","Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That’s the one to beat. Leonard?,"Leonard: Oh, if anything, I’m trying to get my Sheld-off.","Sheldon: She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.","Raj: Well, I should warn you, it’s just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.","Sheldon: I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Leonard: How was your day?,"Penny: Oh, not good. Still couldn’t get in to see Dr. Gallo.",Sheldon: How can you be sure?,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Raj: Low self-esteem.,Howard: Social anxiety.,Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Howard: Fear of failure.,Raj: Lack of confidence.,Sheldon: It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Raj: Pushover.,Howard: Spineless.,Sheldon: This is banana bread.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Stuart: Hmm, I just have never been in this room while you’re awake.",Scene: The telescope room.,Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: What are you doing?,"Raj: Uh, making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.","Sheldon: I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Hmm. What are you doing now?,Raj: Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.,"Sheldon: You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh, I see. How about now?",Raj: Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book.,"Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.","Raj: Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies.","Sheldon: This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.","Raj: Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours.","Sheldon: Oh, yeah, this is it.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Found one.,"Raj: No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there.","Sheldon: My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: But, look, an optical transient.","Raj: Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that?","Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I’ll find us seats.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?",Raj: No.,"Sheldon: We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The telescope room.,"Raj: Okay, so once we receive the next image and compare it to the ones we’ve already collected, we’ll know what it is that we found.","Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation.",Raj: It could be a trans-Neptunian object.,"Sheldon: You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we’ve got McCoy.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Maybe it’s a new planet.,"Raj: Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet.","Sheldon: To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.","Raj: Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is…","Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.",Raj: A medium-sized asteroid.,"Sheldon: Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.,Raj: I kind of like chicken fingers.,"Sheldon: No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.","Raj: Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery.",Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.,Raj: You dream different than me.,"Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: It is kind of cute.,"Raj: Yeah, it is. And you know we get to name it.",Sheldon: Really? That’s where I was born!,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The apartment.,"Raj: So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.","Sheldon: Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper.,Raj: How is that both our names?,Sheldon: Good. What’s your favourite fruit?,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.,"Raj: Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K?","Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.",Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.","Leonard: Wow, that’s amazing. I’m in a pretty great mood today myself.","Sheldon: You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Leonard: Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.","Raj: I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you.",Sheldon: And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.","Raj: Wait, what happened to us?","Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.","Leonard: Well, what are you thinking of naming it?","Sheldon: Uh, peace out!",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: I haven’t settled on anything yet.,Raj: We haven’t settled on anything yet.,"Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Leonard: You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.,Raj: That is a great idea.,"Sheldon: Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.","Raj: So, uh, what were you thinking? Combine their names?","Sheldon: You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.",Raj: That’s just Amy.,"Sheldon: Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s up?",Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Sheldon: Good news. You’re an asteroid.,"Amy: Uh, please tell me what to say next.","Sheldon: Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.",0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.","Amy: Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name?",Sheldon: Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,"Sheldon: Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.",Amy: All of them?,Sheldon: Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.,0
Series 09 Episode 12 – The Sales Call Sublimation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy (on Skype): I miss you.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.",Leonard: And it’s gone.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.",Leonard: Good for you.,"Sheldon: All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.",Howard: Glad to hear it.,Sheldon: I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.,Raj: Yay.,"Sheldon: It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.",Penny: You really don’t know why?,Sheldon: What is shaking?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Leonard: Let me refresh your memory.,Flashback,"Sheldon: Penny, hello.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.","Penny: Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest.","Sheldon: Look I’m sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I’m out.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Flashback,Bernadette: I brought you a little care package from work. It’s our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make.,Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Flashback,"Raj: Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you.","Sheldon: I don’t make the rules, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: She’s a dermatologist.,Emily: I went to medical school.,"Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Flashback,"Leonard: All right, here you go.",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Leonard, I’m dying.",Leonard: You’re not dying. It’s just the flu.,"Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.,Back to the present.,Sheldon: Leonard is going to (exaggerated) the office.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Are you feeling any better?,Sheldon: See? Why don’t I believe you?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.","Amy: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.",Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?","Amy: Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky.",Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?","Amy: Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended.",Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?,"Amy: No, no, not just that. I mean, Detroit is beautiful when it’s sleeting.",Sheldon: Are you going to the office?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Penny: Well, I’m in. When are we going?",Leonard: This weekend.,"Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, where are we going?","Leonard: Well, Vegas, but…","Sheldon: Leonard, a moment.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.","Leonard: That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited.",Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.","Penny: Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there.",Sheldon: Who would ask me?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.,Leonard: Not this time.,Sheldon: Where are you going?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.","Leonard: He’s coming, too.","Sheldon: All right, goodbye.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, then Raj and I will…",Leonard: Nope.,Sheldon: Is there some problem?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Very well. Stuart.,"Leonard: Oh, great. Do that.",Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. ,"Amy (on Skype): Hi, Sheldon. What’s new?",Sheldon: Why wasn’t that Plan A?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them.","Amy: I said what’s new, but sure.",Sheldon: Snap what?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?,Amy: Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?,Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.","Amy: Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.",Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.,Amy: Who else’s side could you have been on?,"Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?,"Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them.",Sheldon: Really? They don’t let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.",Amy: Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on.,Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.",Amy: Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person.,Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.",Amy: Glad I could help.,Sheldon: Where?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.,"Amy: I feel so, so bad.","Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best?",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Hey, we’re both great at this.",Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I’m going to mean it.","Leonard: Ah, so like every other M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen, you spoil it in advance.","Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.",Leonard: Thank you. I appreciate that.,Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.,"Leonard: Appreciate that, too.","Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?",Leonard: You’re still not coming.,Sheldon: What happened?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.","Leonard: Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come.",Sheldon: What did I do?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?","Leonard: Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come.",Sheldon: Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.,"Leonard: Well, I hope it’s as much fun as the Sheldon Cooper Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour.","Sheldon: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: My goodness, do you remember comes with apsparagus?",Scene: Howard and Berndette’s house.,"Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I’m sorry.",Howard: Wow. I’m impressed.,"Sheldon: It’s very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Howard: Apology accepted.,"Bernadette: Forgiven, forgiven.","Sheldon: Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Bernadette: And he made it all better.,Scene: The apartment bathroom.,Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: All you did was offer maternal care and affection, and all you received in return was rude and insensitive behavior.",Penny: Can this wait?,Sheldon: How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.,"Penny: Okay, fine, I accept your apology, now get out.","Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: Leonard.,Scene: The comic book store.,Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: You brought me my comic books when I wasn’t feeling well. That, that was thoughtful. And I was insensitive. I’m sorry.","Stuart: Thank you, Sheldon. I appreciate that.",Sheldon: Well played.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.",Stuart: What trip to Las Vegas?,Sheldon: Penny.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.,"Stuart: Of course, I wasn’t invited.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?",Scene: Raj’s apartment.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny… (door opens) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here’s your laundry, I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Raj, you were being a good friend, and my illness was no excuse for my behaviour. I hope that you can accept my apology.",Raj: Of course I do.,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me?",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.",Emily: Do you honestly think I hear that a lot?,Sheldon: Who is it?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Raj: Yeah, but he doesn’t mean it.",Emily: Why are you defending him?,Sheldon: Mwah-ha-ha.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Emily: Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.","Raj: No, come on, please don’t leave.","Sheldon: I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…","Emily: Don’t worry, you’re good.","Sheldon: I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Scene: The apartment.,"Penny: So, was the fight really bad?",Sheldon: I’ve done no stupid things.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.",Leonard: You think they’ll still go on the trip?,"Sheldon: Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: No.,Raj: What is wrong with you?,Sheldon: Apologize.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.","Raj: You went to Emily’s to apologise, and when you left, she was crying.","Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Raj: Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.","Howard: Wait, that’s an option? I didn’t know that was an option.","Sheldon: You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.",Raj: That’s very mature of you.,Sheldon: Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: Here’s some champagne.,"Leonard: Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of…",Sheldon: Your clothes?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Aha.,Leonard: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Leonard: What do we do, kick them off?","Penny: If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked.","Sheldon: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.","Raj: Oh, God.","Sheldon: No problem, I’ll just do my laundry another night.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Raj: You know, Sheldon…","Emily: Shh, let him finish.",Sheldon: What are you implying?,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.",Emily: Thank you.,Sheldon: It’s Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Sheldon: Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.,"Emily: Oh, it’s okay, Sheldon. Come with us.",Sheldon: Oh! Hello.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Sheldon: Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.",Stuart: But I want to stay.,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,Penny: And now you see the problem.,"Leonard: Come on, you pain in the ass.","Sheldon: You can’t do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.",0
Series 09 Episode 13 – The Empathy Optimisation,"Stuart: Wait. I’m a pain in the ass, too.",Scene: Later on the party bus.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,,Scene: The foyer.,"Sheldon: Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Leonard: If I’m going to jail, I’m killing him, not breaking his thumb.",Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.",Penny: What is that?,"Sheldon: All right, that’s it. Strike three.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.",Leonard: That someone has a name.,"Sheldon: Leonard, she’s in my spot.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Leonard: Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.,Penny: I park fine.,Sheldon: You’re sitting in my spot.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!","Leonard: Oh, it’ll be nice to finally meet her.","Sheldon: Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Credits sequence.,Scene: The airport arrivals area.,"Sheldon: And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her. That’s not her.,Leonard: Really? The old Asian man is not your Meemaw?,"Sheldon: I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.","Leonard: Oh, that’s nice. Most people her age don’t embrace technology.",Sheldon: The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.",Leonard: Same as when we lost you at the zoo.,Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Leonard: Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.,Meemaw: Moon Pie.,"Sheldon: Yes, baseball.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.,"Meemaw: I’m so happy to see you, too.",Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Leonard: Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.",Meemaw: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.",Meemaw: Is that nice to say to your friend?,Sheldon: The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Raj: It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period, and it changed my life.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Are you comfortable?,Meemaw: Very. It’s nice to rest after 800 flights of stairs.,Sheldon: Who touched my…,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Meemaw: Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.","Amy: That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there.",Sheldon: Fine. Mock Parliamentary procedure. At least put it on mute.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Amy: Can I have a tissue?,Meemaw: Of course.,Sheldon: But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.,Meemaw: He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means.,Sheldon: You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.","Meemaw: Oh, now don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents.","Sheldon: Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: If I did, would I find any?",Meemaw: Maybe. But you also might find my brassieres and bloomers.,"Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Amy: Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.","Meemaw: Oh, you better hope so.",Sheldon: Vociferously?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.","Meemaw: Oh, you’re welcome, Moon Pie.",Sheldon: Did you protest?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: Constance, are you sure I can’t pour you some wine?","Meemaw: Oh, no wine for me. Sheldon’s bringing me my whiskey.",Sheldon: What did they say?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy.,Leonard and Penny: She could just eat him up.,Sheldon: Extra breading?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.,"Amy: Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar.",Sheldon: Onion rings?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.","Amy: Well, now I know.",Sheldon: Individual relish packets?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.,"Amy: Well, maybe I don’t like you either.","Sheldon: Dill slices, not sweet?",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.",Amy: I think I should leave.,Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium well?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.",Amy: You have an engagement ring?,"Sheldon: All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those?",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Penny: All right, let’s go.",Amy: When did you get an engagement ring?,Sheldon: Is qochbe’ spelled with a (gargling) or a (guttural grunt)?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Meemaw: Well, thank goodness for that.","Amy: Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this?","Sheldon: Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t think I could do that.","Meemaw: Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger.","Sheldon: All right, Boggle warriors, kapla’!",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.","Amy: Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs.","Sheldon: All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Meemaw: You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.,Amy: Don’t speak to him like he’s a child.,Sheldon: …playing Klingon Boggle.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Leonard: Did it?,"Penny: Yeah, right in there. She ate it and everything.","Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Penny: Come in.,Leonard: Hey. What happened? Is Amy gone?,Sheldon: What’s wrong with your TV?,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.,Penny: Uh-oh.,Sheldon: Bilurrrbe.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Meemaw: Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.",Penny: Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you.,"Sheldon: Time. Alright Klingons, pencils down.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: No, I wouldn’t.",Leonard: Just get in here.,Sheldon: I’m just so… full.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: Go ahead.,Sheldon: Just one more bite.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.","Amy: Oh, Sheldon, thank you.","Sheldon: More Pad Thai, please.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Sheldon: Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.",Meemaw: I did.,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m getting a free pizza. I’m on a roll.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Leonard: He never disappoints, does he?",Amy: I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right?,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Well…,Penny: Say yes.,"Sheldon: Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,Sheldon: Yes.,"Meemaw: Fine. If you feel so strongly, I won’t stand in your way.","Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler.",0
Series 09 Episode 14 – The Meemaw Materialisation,"Amy: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?",Meemaw: I suppose.,Sheldon: Get out!,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,,Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Oh, you want me to share credit?",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Raj: Hey.,Howard: Hello.,Sheldon: Who’s Nowitzki?,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Leonard: Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.","Howard: Sorry, Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.","Sheldon: It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Howard: No.,Leonard: Not really.,Sheldon: And I could not have done it without you.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Okay, and we are live in 22 minutes.",Sheldon: Rats.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.,"Amy: People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around.",Sheldon: Godzilla clause?,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.",Amy: What do you mean?,Sheldon: Now! Do it!,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.",Amy: Oh. That is so sweet.,"Sheldon: Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Okay, we are live in five, four, three, oh, wait, oh shoot, I already pushed the button. Never mind, we’re live.","Sheldon: Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Together: Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags.,"Amy: Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers.",Sheldon: Come on! Don’t nitpick!,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.","Amy: Since we’re live, you’ll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.",Sheldon: I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Raj: Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?","Amy: I, I think it starts with good communication.","Sheldon: Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Amy: Rajesh, it’s perfectly normal to have doubts after breaking up with someone.",Raj (voice): You really think so?,Sheldon: Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Amy: Your friend is hurting.,"Raj: No, Sheldon’s right. Emily did say I always talk about my feelings too much.",Sheldon: All right.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Raj: Kripke? Is that you?,"Barry: Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties.",Sheldon: It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.",Barry: Aw wight. Is my pole fwag-wewated?,"Sheldon: Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Look, I know you both feel bad about being alone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is take a little time for yourself, especially when you just got out of a relationship.",Sheldon: So we can communicate through the wall.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Raj: But, Amy, when you and Sheldon split up, didn’t you start dating someone right away?","Amy: Well, I, I wouldn’t say right away.",Sheldon: It’s Morse code.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Amy: Now? Oh, looks like we just lost Kripke.","Raj: Before Emily, I was alone for so long. I just, I don’t know if I can do that again.","Sheldon: Um… she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Raj (voice): I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever broken up with someone. I just, I didn’t realize it was gonna hurt this much.",Amy: It really can.,Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Raj: I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now.,"Amy: No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard.",Sheldon: Hide me.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Barry: Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.,Amy: I’m just gonna push all the buttons.,Sheldon: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,"Sheldon: Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.",Amy: Really?,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.,Amy: So do I.,"Sheldon: Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.",0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Leonard and Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day!,Leonard: We are young and fun.,Sheldon: I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: I stand corrected. Fun.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Drat.,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Penny: Cleaning up is not young and fun.,Leonard: It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this.,Sheldon: He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?,0
Series 09 Episode 15 – The Valentino Submergence,Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?,"Amy: Interesting, and when would you use the singular?",Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Scene: The apartment.,"Leonard: Hey, Raj, I read a couple of guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?",Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it?","Raj: Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays.",Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me?,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.",Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Leonard: What? Congratulations.,Raj: That’s so amazing.,Sheldon: He did.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, no.","Leonard: Why oh, no?","Sheldon: Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?","Leonard: Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group.","Sheldon: Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?",Leonard: You’re the other baby.,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m close to a breakthrough. Ooh, it tickles",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?",Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?,Sheldon: Aren’t I?,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Leonard: Buddy, I, I think you might be overreacting.","Howard: And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me?","Sheldon: Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.,"Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.","Sheldon: Oh, good one.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Howard: You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.","Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?","Sheldon: You don’t tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,All: Cheers.,"Howard: Well, look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn’t have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.",Sheldon: Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.,Leonard: That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it.,Sheldon: Thank you. Did anyone touch it?,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.,"Leonard: Uh, these are strong, you should slow down.","Sheldon: Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Howard: I don’t know, all Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.",Raj: It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.,Sheldon: Not in these pants.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?,Leonard: The same reason we don’t do a lot of fun stuff. You.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?,"Raj: Uh, it’s in the corner.",Sheldon: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: You think so?,Leonard: I really do.,Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: I’m not finding anything either.,Raj: It’s a good sign.,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, I found something.",Howard: Damn. What is it?,Sheldon: Yes. Apparently I’m getting a free dinner.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.",Leonard: Can you focus on what we’re talking about?,Sheldon: What a nice girl.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Sheldon: All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.","Raj: Even drunk, he’s still smarter than all of us.","Sheldon: That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?,Leonard: I’d enjoy that.,"Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.",0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Leonard: I’m telling you, you got this.",Howard: Maybe you’re right.,Sheldon: I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Sheldon: Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.,"Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I do eat dinner.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Howard: Thank you.,Amy: Hi. How are you doing?,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,Bernadette: Sure.,"Penny: So, you gonna get up there later?",Sheldon: It’s what I do.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Scene: The same, later.","Howard: I’d like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie. (Singing) Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me. Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ what you’re thinkin’ of me.",Sheldon: The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.,0
Series 09 Episode 16 – The Positive Negative Reaction,"Penny: Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?",Leonard: I think we’d make amazing parents.,"Sheldon: Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Amy: So Sheldon, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about but I know it’s kind of a touchy subject.",Leonard: Way to narrow it down to everything.,Sheldon: That is the prevailing opinion.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: What is it?,"Amy: Well, your birthday’s coming up, and you’ve never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.","Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Amy: Sheldon?,Leonard: I’ll check his room.,Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Surprise.,"Penny: Oh, my God.","Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Amy: I’m sorry I brought it up.,"Penny: Yeah, what is the problem? Is it about getting older?",Sheldon: You saw nothing! (Sweeps hood around himself and vanishes through cafeteria door.),0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Leonard: One day. Right.,Amy: Can you please just tell me why?,"Sheldon: Good morning, gentlemen.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.",Amy: I’m sorry.,Sheldon: Homo Novus doesn’t know.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.","Penny: Oh, poor thing.","Sheldon: Yeah, well, I know that now.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.",Amy: You realize none of those things would happen now?,"Sheldon: No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: And we live here, so we have no choice.",Penny: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Scene: The apartment.,"Amy: Okay, so how do you feel about party balloons?","Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.","Penny: All right, what about music?","Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Penny: No music it is.,Bernadette: What kind of cake do you like?,Sheldon: I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Adam: What’s an Affleck?,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Sheldon: No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?,"Amy: Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.","Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong?,"Amy: Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit.","Sheldon: No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,"Amy: Maybe later I’ll, uh, get to see you in your birthday suit.","Sheldon: I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,Amy: Oh. Penny says everyone’s there. Are you ready?,Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver…,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: I am. Oh. Wait.,Amy: Are you all right?,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: No, I just, I got a little light-headed.","Amy: Oh, do you need a minute?",Sheldon: What if a simulated van rear-ends me?,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Leonard: Speech! Speech!,"Raj: Come on, Sheldon, say something.","Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Leonard: Batman finally came to your party.,"Adam: Happy birthday, Sherman.",Sheldon: I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: Again, no…","Penny: Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in?","Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: How do you know I’m not using the facilities?,"Penny: Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on?","Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.","Penny: I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.",Sheldon: Ooh!,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.,"Penny: Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.","Sheldon: Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: I don’t think I can go back out there.,"Penny: That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.",Sheldon: Aced it.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.","Penny: My point is, there was a time I never would’ve been friends with someone like you, and now you are one of my favourite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I’m happy to do it with you.",Sheldon: But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Penny: Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?",Barry: What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack.,"Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Amy: If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.",General cheers.,"Sheldon: No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.","Howard: Sheldon, I don’t think everyone…","Sheldon: I don’t need your help, Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Sheldon: Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.","Howard: Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.","Sheldon: Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Wil: Sheldon, I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.",General cheers.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.","Raj: And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.",Sheldon: Yes?,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.,"Leslie: Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Bernadette: I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon.",General cheers.,Sheldon: Oh.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Howard: What? You gotta be kidding me?,"Leonard: Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother.",Sheldon: I’m actually more of a theorist.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Leonard: Happy birthday, buddy.",General cheers.,Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Amy: We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.,"Stephen Hawking (on Skype): Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,Stephen: Happy birthday to you.,"Sheldon: I just don’t see why I need a driver’s license, Albert Einstein never had a driver’s license.",0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,Sheldon: Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…,Stephen: Happy birthday to you.,Sheldon: And the comic book store.,0
Series 09 Episode 17 – The Celebration Experimentation,"Stephen: I was crushing it, but all right.","Penny: Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn’t think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.",Sheldon: And Radio Shack.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Scene: Outside the University legal office.,"Howard: Okay, I gotta ask, why are you wearing a bow tie?",Sheldon: We have to stop at Pottery Barn.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.,Howard: Is the impression that your first name is Pee-Wee?,"Sheldon: Hold on, I have one condition.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.","Attorney: So, I’ve reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we’ve got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.",Sheldon: Why Penny?,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Yeah, we did our own search.","Attorney: That’s nice, but I think ours might be a bit more thorough.",Sheldon: Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Attorney: Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.,Howard: Seventy-five percent?,"Sheldon: She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?,Attorney: It’s university policy.,Sheldon: Good morning.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?","Attorney: Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.","Sheldon: Can you drive me to Pottery Barn? (She closes the door) Maybe if I turn off the night-light, I can keep the sheets.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Come on, let’s go.",Leonard: Thank you for your time.,Sheldon: You want to go to pottery barn first?,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Well, what if we go around the university and just get the patent ourselves?","Howard: We can’t. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.","Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Either way, I get nothing.","Leonard: Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.","Sheldon: Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Howard: I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?,"Leonard: Of course, we can split any profits three ways.",Sheldon: We had a difference of opinion.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: I’m fine with that.,"Howard: Okay, great.","Sheldon: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh God, not Euclid Avenue! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.","Leonard: Sure, we could write something up.",Sheldon: Penny. But I sense that’s no longer an option.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who…,"Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Scene: The apartment.,Howard: This contract looks good to me.,"Sheldon: No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.","Penny: Sheldon, did you draft the contract?","Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Penny: Ooh. You’re gonna make out so hard tonight.,"Bernadette: So, you’re just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?","Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I’m ready to go home.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Bernadette: Sure.,Howard: Excuse us.,Sheldon: Okay. I’ll give it a shot. (Gets out. Penny drives away.),0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.",Leonard: What?,"Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.",Leonard: Good one.,"Sheldon: All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Leonard: They’ve been out there a while.,Amy: I hope everything’s okay.,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Penny: If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.",Howard: Hey.,"Sheldon: The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Leonard: You guys all right?,"Howard: Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.","Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.,"Howard: Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me.",Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.",Bernadette: Are you saying that his contributions aren’t as valuable as yours?,Sheldon: You’re going up Euclid Avenue?,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Penny: No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.,Bernadette: How would you enforce it?,Sheldon: Of course not.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.",Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.,"Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Leonard: Howard, what do you think?",Howard: I’m on board.,Sheldon: Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Raj: Call you right back.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Howard: Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.","Leonard: Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too.","Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?,Leonard: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Leonard: That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap.,"Howard: That’s very generous, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.",0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.",Howard: I appreciate that.,Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.,0
Series 09 Episode 18 – The Application Deterioration,Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.,Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: The apartment.,Amy (on Skype): I didn’t understand your e-mail.,Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up.",Amy: I didn’t understand your e-mail.,Sheldon: Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.","Amy: Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow?","Sheldon: But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: So, is that a yes?","Amy: Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date.","Sheldon: No, wait. You have to drive me to work.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.","Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.",Sheldon: Leonard’s asleep.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.","Amy: The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out.","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny…",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.,Amy: Get a new computer.,"Sheldon: Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: What?,Amy: Get a new computer.,"Sheldon: I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: I got here as quickly as I could.,Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: You’re too late.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is silly.",Sheldon: But how am I going to get to work?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: You got emotional when that lab monkey died.,Amy: That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language.,Sheldon: I didn’t. Let’s go.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.,"Amy: Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer.",Sheldon: You did.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: How could you do that?,Amy: Do what?,Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let’s go.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?","Amy: Well, the guy at the store said this one is great.",Sheldon: Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Penny: Okay, so what is solder?",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: He should share our love of technology.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I suppose I should set this up. Or would you like to rob me of that, too?",Amy: Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W.,"Sheldon: Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: You wouldn’t.,Amy: Whatch me.,"Sheldon: That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.",Amy: I thought you might like it.,"Sheldon: My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.",Amy: Or you could just look into my eyes.,"Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.,"Amy: Well, you know, as long as you’re happy.","Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Oh. I am.,Amy: And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it.,"Sheldon: Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.","Amy: Oh, but he said you can get store credit.","Sheldon: While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.",Amy: But why wouldn’t…,"Sheldon: Yes, Lucky.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Can we please change the subject?,Amy: Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this?,"Sheldon: No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.","Amy: Sheldon, just tell me.","Sheldon: That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: It might be easier to show you.,Amy: Okay.,"Sheldon: Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: We’d have to take your car.,Amy: All right.,Sheldon: Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: Amy’s car.,Amy: Will you please tell me where we’re going?,Sheldon: I want you to check before you accept the order.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis.",Amy: I’m driving the car. I need to know.,Sheldon: Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.),0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Right.,Amy: So where are we going?,Sheldon: What took you so long?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: A storage facility.,Amy: Why do you have a storage unit?,Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Just wait.,Amy: How long have you had it?,Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Just wait.,Amy: Do you want me to hold that computer?,Sheldon: Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.","Amy: I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at?","Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.",Amy: All of it?,Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Raj: I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.",Scene: The storage unit.,Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: In here is every clock radio I’ve ever owned. Calculators, VHS tapes. Yeah. Oh. Sporting equipment.",Amy: You have sporting equipment?,Sheldon: Now?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.","Amy: Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones?",Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.","Amy: So, why do you feel you need to save these things?","Sheldon: I can make it, but I won’t.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…",Amy: Okay. I get it. I get it.,"Sheldon: There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.,Amy: I don’t.,Sheldon: Now?,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.",Amy: Why?,"Sheldon: Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.) ",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?","Amy: It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too.",Sheldon: Aaaah!,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Like what?,"Amy: Well, um, did you know I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain I ever dissected?","Sheldon: Damn, this is hard. (Smiles) ",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Scene: The storage unit.,"Amy: So, no one else knows about this?","Sheldon: He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Only you.,Amy: Thank you for trusting me.,"Sheldon: Oh, sorry. (Smiles)",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?,"Amy: That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you.","Sheldon: Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.,"Amy: Baby steps, I guess.",Sheldon: Dr Gablehauser.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.,Amy: Oh. Okay.,"Sheldon: Fine, what do you want me to do?",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: I will always have the dent to remember it by.,Amy: You did it. Do you feel okay?,Sheldon: But I’m not.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Actually, yes. I do.","Amy: Well, I’m proud of you.",Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: Thanks.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I had not considered that.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: I’m glad I told you about the storage unit.,"Amy: Well, I feel closer to you now.","Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Amy: What did you have in mind?,"Scene: The same, shortly afterwards.","Sheldon: Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.",Amy (on Skype): I really had to go home for this?,Sheldon: I sense you’re trying to tell me something.,0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,"Sheldon: Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room.","Amy: And yet, I’m not.","Sheldon: Apologise, for what?",0
Series 09 Episode 19 – The Solder Excursion Diversion,Sheldon: But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.,"Amy: And yet, you can’t.","Sheldon: Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,,Scene: The apartment (initially inside a virtual reality device),"Sheldon: Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: It’s nice to get back to nature. Why don’t I do this more often? What a beautiful forest. Hello, little butterfly. What’s your Na-oh!",Leonard: Whatcha doing?,"Sheldon: In general, yes.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.",Penny: What am I smelling?,"Sheldon: Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.",Penny: That’s not what the forest smells like.,Sheldon: What people?,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Well, how would I know?",Leonard: Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it.,Sheldon: I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.,"Leonard: Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.",Sheldon: If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.","Penny: Okay, if that’s true, why aren’t there more genius squirrels?","Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: Here’s your tea.,Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Oh. Do not sneak up on a guy when he’s sitting on a log.,"Amy: You know, if you really want to be in nature, why don’t we rent a cabin?",Sheldon: I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: But I could get her.,Amy: We could all go for the weekend. It’ll be fun.,Sheldon: I’ll tell you why.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: Sure.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go with them.","Sheldon: But wouldn’t you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: I’ll see if it’s available.,"Amy: You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.",Sheldon: Can we talk about this later.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Leonard: Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.","Penny: Well, we’ll be in the woods.",Sheldon: I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Leonard: Anything you’d like to say to him?,"Penny: Nice hat, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: It’s so cute and rustic up here.,Leonard: I know. Did you see they still have a video rental place? it’s like Colonial Williamsburg.,"Sheldon: No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.",Amy: Have you ever been off the grid before?,"Sheldon: Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Leonard: So nice of that doctor to just let you use it.,"Penny: Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought.","Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?","Amy: Sheldon, all we did was walk in from the car.","Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: This sucks.,Leonard: And there goes our hike.,Sheldon: Good to know. Big old five.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Amy: So what do we do now?,Leonard: They have some board games.,"Sheldon: Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Amy: Ooh, that sounds cozy.",Leonard: I don’t think I’ve lit a real fire before.,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.",Leonard: I could stack the logs conically to facilitate airflow.,Sheldon: Drink a healing potion.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Scene: The cabin.,"Penny: Hey, you guys want to play a drinking game?",Sheldon: These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Penny: All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.",Leonard: I’ve never played that before.,"Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Penny: Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.","Leonard: Okay, I’ll go. Never have I ever been arrested.",Sheldon: Frenzy stance.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: So I drink.,"Amy: No, it’s only if you’ve done it.",Sheldon: What happened to the rest of your group?,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: Got it.,Amy: I can’t believe you’ve been arrested.,"Sheldon: Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Sheldon: I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.,"Penny: Sheldon, what did you do?","Sheldon: I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Leonard: Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.",Amy: I’m surprised you would do that.,Sheldon: Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.","Penny: What, he arrested you for that?","Sheldon: There, problem solved.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.",Penny: And then you got arrested.,Sheldon: Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Leonard: Never should’ve told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.,"Amy: Okay. My turn. Um, never have I ever completely rocked my girlfriend’s world in bed.",Sheldon: Would you like to be?,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Penny: Yeah, go ahead.",Leonard: That’s right.,"Sheldon: Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Penny: We’re married. We’re supposed to share everything.,"Leonard: What, you mean, like, your massive credit card debt?","Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,Howard: You didn’t.,Scene: The cabin. ,"Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.",Amy: Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.,Sheldon: She comes into my room. No-one’s supposed to be in my room.,0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.",Amy: Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.,"Sheldon: Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.",0
Series 09 Episode 20 – The Big Bear Precipitation,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.",Amy: Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.,"Sheldon: Danger, danger.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,,Scene: The comic book store. ,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Raj: But wouldn’t Man-Batman just be a Batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?,Howard: But Batman is a man. You’re talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That’s just Man-Man.,"Sheldon: I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Leonard: No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.",Howard: So does that answer your question?,"Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Credits sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: What, why did you get a party sub?","Leonard: People are coming over, it looked fun.","Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.",Leonard: Your attendance implies it’s not.,"Sheldon: Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.","Leonard: Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months.","Sheldon: Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.","Leonard: Oh, you know what? I’m not going.","Sheldon: God, no.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.",Leonard: This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure.,"Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.,Leonard: You’re the only one who eats them.,"Sheldon: Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?","Leonard: I’m not going, you can’t make me.",Sheldon: No she doesn’t.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, we’ll just see about that.",Penny: What is the problem?,"Sheldon: I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge?",Leonard: You have fun. I will not be attending.,"Sheldon: Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.",Leonard: Thank you.,Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.",Leonard: You’re being ridiculous.,"Sheldon: I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Leonard: Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.","Penny: Well, I will still come to your meeting.",Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Leonard: Why are you taking his side?,"Penny: Because it’s important to him, and when we signed the roommate agreement, we made a deal.",Sheldon: I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Raj: Oh, that sounds great, a bed to yourself. Can’t even remember what that’s like.",Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: People can’t be in my bedroom.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: Are you up-to-date on Game of Thrones?,"Penny: Mm, I think so. Dragons, snow zombies, and all the hot guys are dead.",Sheldon: You’re in my bedroom.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Penny: Really? The only adult?,"Leonard: Yeah, that’s right.","Sheldon: Danger, danger.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.",Leonard: And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed.,Sheldon: That girl needs to get a life.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.,Leonard: I don’t want to.,"Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.",Leonard: Stop saying meeting.,"Sheldon: You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.",Amy: I brought my famous spinach dip.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Amy: What’s going on with him?,"Penny: Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting.","Sheldon: Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Don’t worry, he’ll come around.","Amy: Well, I get why he’s annoyed.","Sheldon: You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.",Leonard: You love The Simpsons.,Sheldon: Do you have the enchanted sword?,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: I love Lisa Simpson.,"Amy: Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings.","Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: Wait. You were pretending?,Amy: Sorry.,Sheldon: Level three and she thinks she’s rich! What a noob.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.,"Amy: Oh, Sheldon, I never thought re-filing a matter in a standing subcommittee could be so fascinating.","Sheldon: Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Raj: It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with.","Penny: Come on, Sheldon, we’ll watch Game of Thrones over here.","Sheldon: You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: Gladly.,"Leonard: Oh, good, go. You know, it’ll be nice to watch an episode without someone saying, I read the books, don’t get too fond of this character.","Sheldon: It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Yeah, come on, Raj.","Raj: Wait, did Amy make her spinach dip?","Sheldon: Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Penny: May I take your cloak?,Stuart: Thanks. This thing kept getting caught in the chain of my bike.,Sheldon: Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Scene: A hospital waiting room.,Leonard: It just said Italian sub. I had no idea mortadella has pistachios in it.,"Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: What does that stand for?,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.,Bernadette: He’s gonna be okay.,Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Penny: Okay, well, that was murder, this was an accident.",Raj: Okay. But you using Sheldon to do your dirty work is like when Cersei used the King’s Guard to do her bidding.,"Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Penny: There you go.,Leonard: That’s true.,"Sheldon: AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.",0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Leonard: Let’s get out of here.,Amy: That was scary.,Sheldon: The Conqueror.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Raj (shouting from upstairs window): Hey, Jon Snow. How come your horse has a basket on it?",Stuart: How come your head has your face on it?,Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Stuart: That’s it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store. Horse has a basket on it. Stupid… aaargh!",Scene: Leonard’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) ,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.,Leonard: What is it?,Sheldon: There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?,0
Series 09 Episode 21 – The Viewing Party Combustion,"Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?",Penny: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Man-Bat suit?,Sheldon: And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?,Howard: ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies.,"Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.",Amy: But you always say that you want to win a Nobel Prize.,"Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.,"Amy: Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go.","Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.","Amy: Well, I’m going. You couldn’t stop me from getting a massage at the mall, and you’re not stopping me now.","Sheldon: You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Bernadette: Of course.,"Penny: Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on.","Sheldon: Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.",Bernadette: Me? How? Why?,Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.","Bernadette: Gee, Sheldon, I don’t know.",Sheldon: Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) ,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Leonard: The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.",Bernadette: I guess we could give it a try.,"Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: Sure. I’d like to meet her.,"Raj: Oh, that’s great. I’ve been wanting her to meet you guys, too, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.","Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Leonard: Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?","Raj: They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions.",Sheldon: That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.",Leonard: Who’s Frank and Alicia?,"Sheldon: Captain, I’m getting an unusual reading.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?",Howard: Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready.,Sheldon: Only nine more months to comic-con.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: I am going to record this for posterity.,"Leonard: All right, here goes nothing.",Sheldon: Look on the bright side.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?,"Leonard: Fine. Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one commencing.","Sheldon: I hope so, it was a snort of derision.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: Since my preschool got a bunny.,"Penny: Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight?",Sheldon: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.,"Penny: Oh, good for you.","Sheldon: I’m listening, amuse me.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.","Penny: No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it.","Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.","Leonard: Okay, have fun.","Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.",Leonard: We’re leaving now!,"Sheldon: Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.","Penny: Okay, we’re leaving, love you, bye.",Sheldon: Oh now you’re just making stuff up.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Scene: The apartment.,Bernadette: I brought sparkling cider.,"Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.",Bernadette: So what do you want to do tonight?,Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.",Bernadette: There’s more than one?,Sheldon: I’m sorry.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: You’ve heard of French toast?,Bernadette: Yeah.,Sheldon: Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Cinnamon toast?,Bernadette: Yeah.,"Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Melba toast?,Bernadette: Yeah.,"Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Zack: Huh. You sure you guys are smart?,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: She called me dumbass.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: H-O gauge trains are 1/87th scale. N gauge are 1/160th scale. And that brings us to Z gauge, at a, you could easily swallow it, don’t ask how I know, 1 to 220.","Bernadette: I’m sorry, I have to ask.","Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.",Bernadette: What is it about trains that you like so much?,"Sheldon: Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.","Bernadette: That’s lovely, Sheldon.","Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Raj: I said no questions.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: And last but not least, this is one that I like to call Star Wars Toast because it has a light side and a dark side. All righty, it’s time for Dungeons & Dragons.",Bernadette: Dungeons & Dragons? That sounds about right.,Sheldon: I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you.,"Bernadette: Okay, but just for a little bit.","Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.",Bernadette: All right.,"Sheldon: Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Ready?,Bernadette: You bet.,Sheldon: Penny.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.",Bernadette: Oh. I like the idea of being tall.,"Sheldon: It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.",Bernadette: This is getting fun. What’s next?,"Sheldon: If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.","Bernadette: Oh, I haven’t had a drink in months.",Sheldon: Fascinating.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: What do you do?,"Bernadette: I storm in, slam my sword down, and say, barkeep, bring me the strongest ale you have and serve it in the skull of a goblin.",Sheldon: You mean like Spock?,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Leonard: Not a lot. I just couldn’t start until you walked away.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: The Hell Prawn lunges out of the hot spring. You block it with your shield. Do you attack?,Bernadette: Does it have eyes?,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling.,Bernadette: I stab it in the middle eye.,Sheldon: I have to make pee-pee.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.","Bernadette: Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn.","Sheldon: Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.","Bernadette: Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought.",Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.","Bernadette: Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight.","Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.","Bernadette: Well, thanks again.",Sheldon: I don’t like bearclaws.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.",Bernadette: I might just take you up on that.,Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws?,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Scene: The apartment.,Leonard: Morning.,Sheldon: What do they have?,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Morning.,Leonard: Ugh. Too much wine.,Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.","Leonard: Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system?",Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.,0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,Sheldon: Of course.,Leonard: Does it bother you?,"Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.",0
Series 09 Episode 22 – The Fermentation Bifurcation,"Sheldon: No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.",Leonard: Who are these people?,Sheldon: Alone?,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: Helium.,"Sheldon: I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Taylor Swift.,Penny: Yes. Pi.,Sheldon: Well alright then.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Yes. Kardashian.,Penny: More specific.,"Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Khloe?,Penny: Yes.,Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Penny: Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?",Leonard: What are you guys doing?,Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Penny: Okay.,"Leonard: Hmm, atom of hydrogen, Adam of Maroon 5, mic drop.","Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Penny: No problem.,"Leonard: Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go?","Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking…",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?,"Leonard: Well, I can do without the 40-minute car ride where she criticizes every aspect of my life.","Sheldon: Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Penny: Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.","Leonard: That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah.","Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: All right, back to learning.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.",Penny: Or as I know him?,"Sheldon: You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Scene: The comic book store.,Raj: Did you guys see there’s an Avengers screening? Joss Whedon’s gonna show some deleted scenes and do a question and answer session.,Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Howard: Let’s do it.,"Leonard: Penny’s busy with my mother, so I’m in.","Sheldon: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Howard: In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?","Raj: Uh, I’d say by three.","Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: You’re really going without me?,"Leonard: It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you.","Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.",Leonard: People do it all the time.,Sheldon: You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Scene: The cinema line.,"Howard: We’ve waited in a lot of lines together, haven’t we?",Sheldon: You’d hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Raj: Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.","Leonard: Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.","Sheldon: Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?","Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?",Sheldon: Oh no.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?","Stuart: Oh, I’m not upset with you, but Amy’s pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.","Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.",Stuart: Hey.,"Sheldon: Don’t be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?,"Stuart: Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad.",Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?,"Stuart: I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry.",Sheldon: You’re wearing modern underwear?,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.",Leonard: You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself?,"Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.",Stuart: I’m happy to hold your place till you get back.,Sheldon: Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: You would do that?,Stuart: Consider it my way of getting more of your money.,Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Bernadette: Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?","Penny: Um, it has seat warmers.",Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.",Amy: Come in.,"Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.",Amy: Fine.,Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Howard: Hmm, maybe not. Leonard?","Leonard: So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?","Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows. ",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: I’m back.,"Leonard: Hey, how’d it go?",Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny. ,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Man: Hey, guys.",Woman: You made it.,Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. ,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.,Leonard: He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine.,"Sheldon: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. ",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.",Howard: We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way.,Sheldon: I’m Batman. Shhhhh!,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?,Leonard: We’d still get in.,"Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. ",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?,Leonard: Still get in.,Sheldon: That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?,"Leonard: We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair.",Sheldon: I promised Penny. ,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: Excuse me.,"Leonard: Oh, please don’t.",Sheldon: I can’t tell you.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.","Man: Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool.",Sheldon: I’m ba-ack!,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.",Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud. ",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: You need to go to the back of the line.,"Man: Uh, who made you line monitor?","Sheldon: But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Penny: Okay, good example.",Scene: The cinema line.,"Sheldon: I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Sheldon: What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters?,Man: The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.,"Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Man: As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.,Raj: He’s got him there. The D even stands for department.,"Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?",Man: Told you.,"Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. ",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.","Howard: I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair.",Sheldon: She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.","Leonard: Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.",Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. ,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…",Woman: Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself.,"Sheldon: Now, only if you want to.",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,Woman: I saw you.,"Man: If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned.","Sheldon: No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. ",0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.","Leonard: Buddy, let it go.",Sheldon: I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here.,0
Series 09 Episode 23 – The Line Substitution Solution,"Sheldon: No, I can’t. This isn’t right.",Leonard: You did everything you could.,Sheldon: I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever. ,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.,"Amy: Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour?","Sheldon: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Obviously you’re not that familiar with Indian cinema. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.","Penny: Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding?","Sheldon: Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.",Bernadette: Who’s Erno Rubik?,"Sheldon: I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.,"Penny: Okay, fine, but why would you invite him to our wedding?","Sheldon: I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Scene: Amy’s car.,Mary Cooper: Thank you for picking me up.,Sheldon: Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Mary: Oh, please call me Mary.","Amy: Okay, Mary.",Sheldon: Uh-oh.,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.","Mary: Sheldon, don’t be silly.",Sheldon: This is a very old building. ,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Sheldon: Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.",Mary: It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.,"Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous, you love trains. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Amy: It sure was.,Mary: I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Mary: Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?,"Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny’s family is coming tomorrow.",Sheldon: Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends. ,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Amy: You’ve met her, right?","Mary: Yes, I have.",Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. ,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Beverly: Very good.,Mary: Good.,"Sheldon: If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pack. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Alfred: How the hell did you do that?,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t see how I could have made it any simpler. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Penny: Thank you.,"Leonard: Dad, you remember Sheldon.","Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Alfred: Hello, my hateful shrew.","Beverly: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.",Sheldon: There doesn’t have to be a reason. ,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Beverly: I’m sorry.,"Mary: You know, the Bible says forgiveness…",Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Mary: I’m sorry.,"Penny: Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.","Sheldon: I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.,Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Alfred: Oh, I’m an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.","Mary: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.",Sheldon: I said Good Day! (He leaves),0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Alfred: You’re welcome.,Amy: Do you realize what’s happening here?,"Sheldon: There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Leonard: Okay, Mom, you sit over there.","Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna call Bernadette and see what’s keeping them.",Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) ,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,"Alfred: Now, one of the more exciting things to be found recently is that Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens frequently mated with each other.","Mary: Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon’s father.","Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Amy: I’d be lost without you.,"Leonard: Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.",Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Mary: I think that you could.,Leonard: What is happening there?,"Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) ",0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Sheldon: I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I’m Batman. See.,0
Series 09 Episode 24 – The Convergence Convergence,Leonard: My father’s not texting me back.,Penny: ‘Cause they both turned their phones off.,"Sheldon: I.e, I couldn’t become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Following a “previously on” sequence.,Sceme: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard?,Leonard: What?,Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers.,Leonard: We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep.,Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.,Leonard: Go to sleep.,"Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?,Penny: Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep.,Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Leonard: I’m sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.,"Penny: God, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this.","Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Leonard: Yeah, drive safe. ","Penny: Oh, hey, and do yourself a favour, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night. All right? As far as you’re concerned, you don’t know anything, you didn’t see anything. I want you just to play dumb.",Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? ,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Beverley: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.","Leonard: Well, why? What’s wrong?",Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?",Beverley: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.,Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?","Beverley: Stop it, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon? ,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?",Beverley: I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.,Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? ,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.","Penny: Okay, Beverley, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap. ",Sheldon: That depends.,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Penny: Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.","Beverley: Well, we can’t have that.","Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Beverley: I can’t wait for this day to be over.,"Leonard: Yeah, special, like that. (Knock on door) That’s them. Please don’t make things any more awkward than they already are.","Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Mary: Good morning.,Beverley: Morning.,Sheldon: Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. ,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Mary: I’m good, too.",Beverley: Good.,"Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Mary: Sheldon. You’re being rude.,"Alfred: If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.","Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Alfred: Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.",Leonard: You don’t know his girlfriend very well.,"Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Scene: The apartment.,Mary: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?,"Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Mary: Mm-hmm. And he’s never been to Texas.,Alfred: Maybe we meet halfway.,"Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Leonard: Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this.","Mary: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.","Sheldon: Oh, even I know that’s lame. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.",Leonard: Are you saying that my dad’s not good enough for your mom?,"Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?",Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m going across the hall.,"Sheldon: You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.) ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Alfred: I’ll go with you.,Leonard: That still leaves me here with him.,Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.",Amy: Who’s ready for a wedding?,"Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Alfred: Yes, I am. I’m just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I’ve caused.","Mary: Oh, so am I.","Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.","Amy: Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off.","Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Amy: It was a lot hotter than it sounds.,Alfred: You’re a patient young lady.,"Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Stuart: I was wondering why the front row was available.,"Bernadette: Okay, I think we’re ready.",Sheldon: I assumed you would. ,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Stuart: Really, I can move.","Bernadette: Not just Leonard and Penny’s love, but the love we have for them, as well as each other.",Sheldon: Other people might be interested. ,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Stuart: That’s beautiful.,"Bernadette: Thank you. All right, let’s continue.",Sheldon: Then don’t.,0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.",Amy: It’s happening.,"Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Amy: You’ll be at the airport an hour before your flight.,Mary: Good. Thank you.,"Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.,Mary: Hey. I will not have you be disrespectful to me.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,Sheldon: Yes ma’am.,"Amy: Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.","Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. ",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.",Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.,"Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.",0
Series 10 Episode 01 – The Conjugal Conjecture,"Sheldon: What, you’re not my mother.",Mary: Don’t you be disrespectful to her.,"Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Following a “previously on” sequence.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we’re all just characters in some advanced civilization’s video game.,Leonard: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?,"Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Leonard: Really?,Raj: Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying.,Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat. ,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Oh, what did he say?",Raj: He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.,Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Leonard: You do that, too?","Howard: Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin?","Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?","Raj: Well, you’re kidding, right?","Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?","Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.","Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Raj: My cousin does work in a call centre.,Howard: And my cousin’s a lawyer.,Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? ,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. ","Leonard: You’re not a lawyer, Sheldon, you’re just a know-it-all.",Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.,Leonard: That’s the definition of being a know-it-all.,"Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Scene: Howard’s workshop.,Howard: Give me a second to call my cousin.,"Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Howard: Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.",Leonard: Hi. ,"Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Howard: Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?","Marty: Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything.","Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?",Marty: That’s not what I meant.,"Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: That’s what you said.,Marty: That’s not what I meant.,"Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.","Marty: Howard, why is he yelling at me?",Sheldon: We’re not done? ,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Howard: Marty, let me call you back.","Leonard: Someday, when I’m up on murder charges, you’ll be hearing from me.","Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Penny: Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.",Scene: Howard’s workshop.,"Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: I don’t understand why I can’t talk at this meeting.,"Leonard: ‘Cause when you talk, it enrages people.",Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?,Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear? ,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?,Leonard: I’m getting enraged.,"Sheldon: Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your…",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Colonel Williams: So, which one of you is the brains behind all this?","Howard: It’s a group effort, but I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.","Sheldon: I’d love to, but I don’t have tangerine chicken. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Colonel Williams: Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.",Howard: Four months?,"Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Scene: The apartment.,Penny: Hi.,"Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I’m not getting tangerine chicken.",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Hello.,Penny: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.",Penny: Does he even like lemon bars?,"Sheldon: Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.",Penny: Something happen at the meeting?,Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.,Penny: And you talked?,"Sheldon: Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.","Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too.","Sheldon: Okay, where were we? ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.",Penny: Why would that make me feel better?,Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them. ,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.,Penny: Okay. Never mind.,"Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. ",0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.","Penny: Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know.",Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,"Penny: Well, it just slipped out. I feel terrible.",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Bernadette: You believe me? Oh, good. 11 more chumps like you, I’ll have the jury eating out of my hand.",Scene: A corridor at the university. ,Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. ,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,Howard: Maybe that’s because it’s classified.,Leonard: Wish we weren’t so far from my parking space.,Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.,0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Sheldon: The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.",Leonard: I’d like to reinstate the you-not-talking rule.,Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.),0
Series 10 Episode 02 – The Military Miniturization,"Scanner: Howard Wolowitz, access granted.",Leonard: No way.,Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Howard: It’s pretty late. You think I’ve got time to run some more simulations on the cooling system?,"Leonard: Sure, I’m still figuring out the thermo-acoustic expander.","Sheldon: Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.",Howard: What?,Sheldon: Why? ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Howard: Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere.",Leonard: We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you.,"Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: I know, I was there.","Howard: Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights.","Sheldon: Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: How late?,"Howard: Well, I don’t know, midnight, one.","Sheldon: Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.,"Howard: If you’re tired, have some coffee.","Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: What? You have some coffee.,Howard: I am having coffee.,Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: Guys, we’re not gonna get anything done if we start fighting. Now, can you please try",to soldier through?,"Sheldon: No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The apartment.,Sheldon: I know everything about this stuff.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Amy: Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.","Leonard: Oh, that is so nice.","Sheldon: Yeah, I suppose. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: So, what are you guys gonna do today?","Amy: Well, Sheldon was supposed to go to this party with me this afternoon, but I don’t think that’s happening.",Sheldon: Huh? ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Leonard: You don’t think you’ll be bored?,"Penny: Oh, I’ll have some wine and listen to people go on about crap I don’t understand. I mean, how is it any different than every single day of my life?",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Scene: In the university, Sheldon is asleep against a vending machine.","Voice: Psst, hey, kid.",Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Huh, what?",The Flash (the voice): You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it.,"Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.","The Flash: Oh sorry, I thought you were cool.","Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.","The Flash: All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these.","Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?,The Flash: You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch.,Sheldon: Why? ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.,The Flash: Here. It’s on the house.,"Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: Oh, it’s complicated. He finds pushing that little door and reaching up into the machine",uncomfortably intimate.,Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.",Leonard: Are you okay?,Sheldon: What do you think.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Howard: Maybe we should break for lunch. What time is it?,"Leonard: According to the world’s worst cuckoo clock, it’s two.","Sheldon: Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever.,Howard: Why don’t you just go home?,"Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.",Leonard: What?,Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I want another one.,Leonard: So?,"Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater? ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.,Leonard: You only had one.,"Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.",Howard: You can’t develop a problem that fast.,"Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Howard: Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?","Leonard: That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together?",Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough. ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: I’m sorry. Yes, of course.",Leonard: Thank you.,"Sheldon: I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.",Howard: No worries.,"Sheldon: Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Scene: The lab.,Leonard: I’m gonna get some coffee. You want some?,Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?","Leonard: Uh, okay, let’s pretend you do have a problem.",Sheldon: That’s because I didn’t bring one.,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I do.,Leonard: You don’t.,Sheldon: Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor. ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Yeah, but I do.","Leonard: No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it?",Sheldon: The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators. ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: With what?,Leonard: Your problem.,"Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Raj: Happy and well-fed. You see, that’s what I’m taking from that story.",Scene: The lab. ,"Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Leonard, can I ask you a question?",Leonard: Is it about the rotational symmetries you should be figuring out or your fake caffeine problem?,"Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: Howard, can I ask you a question?",Howard: No.,Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…","Leonard: Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care.","Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.,Leonard: Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it.,"Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I can’t.,"Leonard: Yes, you can.",Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. ,0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Sheldon: No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.",Leonard: Seriously?,"Sheldon: I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Sheldon: I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.,"Leonard: It’s okay, we’ll figure something out.","Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Colonel Williams: Well, you could try starting with sir.","Leonard: Right. Sorry, sir.","Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,Colonel Williams: Hmm?,Howard: We’ve hit a bit of a snag. We’re already behind schedule.,"Sheldon: It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 03 -The Dependence Transcendence,"Leonard: Thanks for understanding, sir.","Howard: Yes, thank you so much.","Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Amy: Oh, my, this is a big step.","Leonard: Mm-hmm. For two of us, it’s in the right direction.","Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: What about the cream cheese frosting.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Penny: Yeah, and we’ll be right across the hall.",Amy: What do you think?,"Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?,"Penny: Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that.","Sheldon: We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Leonard: You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months.,"Amy: Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?","Sheldon: My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.,"Leonard: Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.",Sheldon: What’s the difference?,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Penny: Don’t be proud of that.,"Amy: So, is that a yes?",Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.","Penny: Well, where would you go?",Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard: And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914","Penny: Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here?",Sheldon: Really?,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.",Leonard: That’s a good question. Maybe just don’t come over.,"Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Historically, I don’t do well with change.","Penny: Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone.","Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Leonard: Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone.,"Amy: Sheldon, what do you think?",Sheldon: I weep for humanity. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Very well. I’m on board.,Amy: Seriously?,Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.,Amy: Oh. This is so exciting.,"Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s apartment.,"Penny: You know, I’m very proud of you for trying to live with Amy.",Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Oh. Thank you.,Penny: Mm. ,"Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.","Penny: That was a cute story. So, um, what did you want to ask me?",Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?","Penny: Mm. Well, the biggie is, if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible.","Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard: He startles easily, so, please, no flash photography.",Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move?,Amy: I don’t know. I didn’t count.,"Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.,"Amy: That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that?","Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.","Amy: Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it.",Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Okay. Talk.,"Amy: Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations. ",Sheldon: Oops. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. ","Amy: Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it.",Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: You’re really okay with that?,"Amy: I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too.","Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.",Amy: Good call. Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running.,"Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Penny: Well, here’s your key.",Amy: Thank you.,Sheldon: How so?,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.,Leonard: You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.,"Sheldon: Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Penny: Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional.",Amy: Shall we?,"Sheldon: It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: I guess this is it.,Leonard: You guys have fun.,"Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.","Penny: Yeah, you wrote it on my hand.","Sheldon: Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.","Leonard: I’m on it. 15 years from now, we’ll make guacamole together.","Sheldon: You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Leonard, please, let me go.","Amy: Come on, Sheldon.","Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Penny: Good night.,"Amy: Well, that’s it. For the next five weeks, we are officially living together.",Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard (off, also screaming): Yeah.",Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Which side of the bed would you prefer?,Amy: Doesn’t matter to me. Your choice.,Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.","Amy: Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want.",Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.","Amy: Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate.","Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?","Amy: Sheldon, will you please just pick a side?","Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.",Amy: Great. That’s your side.,"Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.","Amy: Okay, I’ll take that side.",Sheldon: That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?",Amy: Rising rapidly.,"Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.",Amy: Okay. What if we do this?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: I suppose that works.,Amy: Great.,Sheldon: I’m not ignoring my sister. I’m ignoring all of you. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,Amy (off): Ugh. What is that? (Entering) Why did you switch sides?,"Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Be grateful I’m still in the room.,Amy: Comfy?,Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.","Amy: Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling.",Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.","Amy: Sheldon, I’ve made more than enough accommodations for you. We’re both grown adults, we’ve been far more intimate than this. If you don’t want to snuggle, fine, but we’re not building a pillow wall.",Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Howard: Call you back.,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,Sheldon: What just happened?,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Scene: Penny’s bedroom.,"Amy: Oh, oh, oh.",Sheldon: And don’t ever call me Shelly.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: What are you doing down there?,Amy: Hang on.,Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Leonard: If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.",Penny: Yeah.,Sheldon: No we don’t.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?",Amy: Miserable and exhausted.,"Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Really? I slept great.,"Amy: Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault.","Sheldon: They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: How? You had the whole floor to yourself.,"Amy: Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea.","Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?",Amy: The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night.,Sheldon: Rajesh. ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.","Amy: I’m sorry, are you questioning my integrity as a scientist?",Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer? ,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Penny: Oh.,"Amy: What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables.","Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: How dare you?,"Amy: Oh, you heard me. Your experimental bona fides are laughable.","Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Leonard: Do it.,Penny: Damn. ,"Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all. ",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.","Amy: Well, for science, maybe I will.",Sheldon: Buddy.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,"Sheldon: For science, maybe you should.",Amy: Fine.,Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.,0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Fine.,Amy: Good.,"Sheldon: Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!",0
Series 10 Episode 04 – The Cohabitation Experimentation,Sheldon: Great.,Amy: Do you want to go to our place and make out?,"Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Penny: Okay, I’m confused. Which one is Mr. Robot?",Leonard: I’ll give you a hint. We’re watching Daredevil.,Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Leonard: Don’t.,"Amy: I told you, you can’t regulate every aspect of our lives.","Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.) ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.",Penny: She’s right. That’s reasonable.,"Sheldon: Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty! ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Scene: The apartment. ,"Leonard: When you live with someone, there’s gonna be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.",Sheldon: You hypocrite!,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Amy: Okay. Well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.","Penny: Sheldon, what do you say to that?","Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: I think we should see other people.,Amy: What?,Sheldon: What’s the exchange rate.,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.",Amy: We sleep together once a year. You want other partners?,"Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Howard: You know what’s weird? How turned on you are right now.,Scene: Penny’s car. ,Sheldon: Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding war. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: You know, people are quick to accuse me of being difficult to live with, but the truth is, Amy is just as challenging.",Penny: Just as challenging?,"Sheldon: I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: As you?,Sheldon: My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Yes.,Penny: Just as challenging as you?,Sheldon: Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,and headed for the storm cellar.,"Penny: Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal.",Sheldon: What are you doing?,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: She’s always complaining about people at work.,"Penny: Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.",Sheldon: It’s still my turn.,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?","Penny: You know, so does Leonard. Can’t I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? Hey-hey-hey.",Sheldon: Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Scene: Penny’s car. ,"Penny: You know, one night, Leonard’s nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.","Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat?,Penny: Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car.,Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.","Penny: Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream.","Sheldon: Wow, I’m on fire tonight. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.","Penny: Oh, please, you’re barely interested in a physical relationship with one person. Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?","Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Scene: An ice-cream parlour.,"Penny: Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favourite.",Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.",Penny: What about the girl behind the counter?,"Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.",Penny: Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone?,Sheldon: Are you upset about something? ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: You are truly wise.,Penny: Thank you.,Sheldon: It won’t change the past. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.",Penny: All right. Come on. What is really going on with you?,"Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.",Penny: All right.,"Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.",Penny: Not relating. Go on.,Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.,"Penny: Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay.","Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.","Penny: Oh, that’s awful.",Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"one’s traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.","Penny: Well, what happened with your dad?","Sheldon: Again, time machine. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.",Penny: You poor thing.,Sheldon: Time machine. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.",Penny: And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did?,"Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Sheldon: Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.,"Penny: Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women.","Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.","Penny: Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now?","Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.",Penny: Okay.,"Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Penny: We’re back.,"Amy: Oh, hi. Hi.",Sheldon: No. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Leonard: How you guys doing?,Penny: We’re doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.,Sheldon: Then no. ,0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,Penny: Do you want him back?,Leonard: I’m very happy for you.,"Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? ",0
Series 10 Episode 05 – The Hot Tub Contamination,"Sheldon: Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level. ",Scene: Amy and Sheldon’s bathroom.,"Sheldon: Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.","Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.",Amy: You know what I meant.,"Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.",Amy: I’m sorry I mentioned it.,Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: What’s going on here?,"Sheldon: For what it’s worth, I thought it was humorous. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.","Amy: Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming?","Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.",Amy: You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor?,"Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.",Amy: That’s an odd mix of people.,Sheldon: Yeah. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.",Amy: You never went into that haunted house.,"Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.,"Amy: Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.","Sheldon: I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that? ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Amy: Well, that’s not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have","expected the surprise, and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is, I didn’t know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.","Sheldon: In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: There’s nothing to be afraid of, Sheldon.",Sheldon: I understand why no-one else bid. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.",Amy: Been 15 minutes. Just sayin’.,Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Amy: How old was it,Bert: It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it.,"Sheldon: I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?","Mrs Petrescu: Yes. Drink is fun and good friends, Applebee’s.",Sheldon: There’s only 30 seconds left in the auction.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Stuart: These are for you.,"Amy: Oh, they’re pretty. Thank you.",Sheldon: You bid $800.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Howard: Oh, yeah, oh, anyway, let’s just get in and see if the GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: I know, it’s basic culinary science. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Mrs Petrescu: My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.","Stuart: Really, no one else is coming?",Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Stuart: Practice round? For-for what?,"Amy: Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.","Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.","Stuart: So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over?",Sheldon: Formal protest. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.","Amy: Stuart, you know you’re one of our favourite people.",Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Bert: This is the best blintz I’ve ever had.,Sheldon: William Shatner.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Amy: We’re so sorry.,Stuart: I’m always the last one anybody thinks of.,Sheldon: Absolutely.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.",Stuart: Bye.,Sheldon: Alright that is very immature.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. ","Bert: I know how it feels, too.",Sheldon: Who?,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.",Stuart: Thank you.,"Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. ",0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Awkward guy: What? Who are you?,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: Who?,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?,Stuart: Hmm?,Sheldon: I don’t understand the question. ,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable.,Stuart: Thank you for noticing.,Sheldon: That’s your opinion.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.",Stuart: You know what I love about you?,Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: Hmm?,Stuart: You never leave the house without a paper clip.,Sheldon: Informal protest.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.,Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.,Sheldon: Formal protest.,0
Series 10 Episode 06 – The Foetal Kick Catalyst,"Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.",Amy: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away.,Sheldon: I want a different question.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Hello, I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…,Both: Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun with Flags.,"Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Together: Fun with flags. ,"Amy: As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band. ",Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Who haven’t learned their place yet.,Amy: We’re also coming to you live from a different apartment.,"Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.","Amy: So, in the spirit of cohabitation, the theme of today’s episode is flags of two regions coming together as one. Such as the flag of St. Kitts and Nevis.",Sheldon: A sigma particle.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Penny: Well, you’ve lied to Sheldon.","Leonard: Yeah, but to make him leave, not to make him stay.",Sheldon: Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Raj: We don’t get paid? Nothing? Not even a sandwich?,Amy: It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything?,"Sheldon: And of course, the answer is Technetium.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.","Amy: Oh, you don’t want do that, it’s a construction zone.",Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: So?,"Amy: Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks?",Sheldon: Formal protest.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.,"Amy: Anyway, how about dinner?","Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.","Amy: Thanks, but you don’t have to.",Sheldon: Leslie Winkle? ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.","Amy: Good stuff. So, uh, what about dinner?","Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?","Amy: No. And on the subject of subjects, is your use of the word subject the same or different as when we speak about the subject of a king?","Sheldon: It’s on, bitch. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Raj: If we’re all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale?","Leonard: You’re awful quiet, everything okay?",Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.,"Howard: Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?","Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.",Leonard: I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work.,"Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.","Howard: You heard him, guys, don’t ask.",Sheldon: Why?,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.","Leonard: Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago.","Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I don’t understand.,Leonard: She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early.,Sheldon: No you didn’t.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?",Leonard: Yes.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Howard: And how single are you right now?,Raj: Eating cake on the toilet single. ,"Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: Leonard and Penny’s bedroom. ,"Leonard: Superman’s gone, my stormtrooper’s gone.",Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone.,"Leonard: I’d say damn it in Klingon, but that wasn’t until next month.",Sheldon: Army Ants. ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: It’s khoo-vakh. ,Leonard: Khoo-vakh! She took my Where’s Waldo.,"Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Amy: Let it go.,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Are you going to confront Penny?,"Leonard: Eventually, I guess. Although, I am kind of curious how long she thinks she can keep hiding my stuff without me knowing.","Sheldon: Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Penny: Hi.,Amy: Food’s here.,"Sheldon: Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?","Amy: Oh, uh, they’re still working on it.","Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Interesting. Very interesting.,"Penny: Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while.",Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?","Penny: I did, still a mess.",Sheldon: Why? ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,s,Leonard: Yeah?,Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Leonard: jISovbe’ (I don’t know.),Amy: Why are you speaking Klingon?,Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.  ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Amy: Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing?,"Penny: Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble. ","Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, stop that.",Amy: You stop that.,"Sheldon: And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?),Leonard: ghobe’ (No.),"Sheldon: And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Leonard: Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.",Amy: Penny was just covering for me. My place has been ready for two weeks.,Sheldon: Of course. ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Bernadette: Amy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.",Amy: I guess it’s okay. I’m sorry that I lied about my apartment.,Sheldon: He does. ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Penny: And what? Your wizard robes are next to go.,"Raj: Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together?",Sheldon: I will yield.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.",Amy: Are you saying you’d like to live with me?,"Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Leonard: Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.",Raj: That would be amazing.,"Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.",Leonard: But you won’t be living here.,"Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: But that’s my room.,Leonard: But you won’t be living here.,"Sheldon: Or the one. Dammit, I’ll do it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Leonard: You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.,"Penny: Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours.","Sheldon: No, don’t. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: Thank you for understanding.,"Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.",Amy: Good night.,Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?","Amy: I don’t know. It, it could be. ",Sheldon: Well count me out.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.","Amy: Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment.","Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I hate your apartment.,"Amy: Sorry, you brought it up?","Sheldon: Screw him, he was weak. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.",Amy: It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want.,Sheldon: Youngest till the cyborgs rise up! ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?,Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: I’m not a child, don’t do that.",Amy: Sorry.,Sheldon: Said Pharoah to Moses. ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: What’s going on?,Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem. ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom.,Amy: Can it be more of an internal struggle?,"Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.",Amy: How about if I just don’t breathe at all?,"Sheldon: Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: The comic book store. ,"Howard: Okay, last question. The chaps he was wearing, assless?","Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I’m facing?,"Raj: We can, but for the record, all chaps are assless.",Sheldon: The Jewish people.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Leonard: Over my assless chaps you will.,Howard: This isn’t complicated. Do you love Amy?,"Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Yes.,Raj: Do you like living with her?,"Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Do you know what you need to do now?,"Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Scene: The stairwell. ,Amy: Hi.,Sheldon: Curiouser and curiouser. ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: What are you doing?,Sheldon: Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.,Amy: I understand. I’ll leave you be.,Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that? ,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: What, you’re familiar with the reference?",Amy: Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death.,Sheldon: Yes.,0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Exactly.,"Amy: Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant.","Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Thank you.,"Amy: You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.","Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,Sheldon: Really?,"Amy: Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.","Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? ",0
Series 10 Episode 07 – The Veracity Elasticity,"Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.","Amy: Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? ‘Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.","Sheldon: Really, how does it work?",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,,Scene: Amy’s lab.,"Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: How much will it hurt?,Amy: It’s just a tiny skin sample. You saw me do it to myself.,Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.",Amy: A two.,"Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Eating a whole Altoid?,"Amy: Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to.","Sheldon: If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.",Amy: Thank you.,Sheldon: Alright.,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.",Amy: Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells.,"Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: All right, just warn me before you do it.","Amy: Okay. Three, two, and we’re done.",Sheldon: Are you sure? ,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: You tricked me. You didn’t say one.,"Amy: It didn’t hurt, did it?",Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…","Amy: Okay, fine, one.","Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Raj: Thank you. Good luck with your future endeavours.,Scene: Amy’s lab.,"Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Did it work? Are they brain cells yet?,"Amy: If you’d give me a minute, I’ll tell you.","Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.","Amy: Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network.","Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. ",Amy: These cells come from both of us.,Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over. ,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?",Amy: No reason we can’t start right now.,Sheldon: Hey.,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,expose it to images of me and you and see who it likes better.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is a rudimentary collection of neurons. I mean, it’s remarkable, but it’s still limited in what it can do.","Sheldon: Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Bernadette: Still, I can’t believe you can turn ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells.","Amy: Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit.","Sheldon: Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.","Bernadette: Look at that, put them in a tiny Flash T-shirt and it’s you.","Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Bernadette: Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now.","Amy: Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked.","Sheldon: Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.",Bernadette: Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl?,"Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.",Bernadette: You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices.,"Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.",Bernadette: Mine has a fully developed immune system.,Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.,"Amy: Sheldon, that’s enough.","Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Raj: Okay. I’ll leave. But just know, every time I come in here, I’ll be thinking of you.",Scene: Amy’s lab.,Sheldon: Get him out Leonard.,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Would you look at that? The image we gave it was 45% white noise, and it still managed to reconstruct it.",Amy: I’ve never seen results like this before.,Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? ,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.",Amy: Aren’t you glad you participated in this?,Sheldon: Get him out. ,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?",Amy: Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results.,Sheldon: Leonard.,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.",Amy: Make a baby? What are you talking about?,"Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!,"Amy: Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby.","Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.","Amy: Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up.",Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye. ,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.,Amy: Not right now.,"Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.",Amy: I’m not playing anything. We’re not making a baby today.,Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force. ,0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Penny: Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some.","Leonard: Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two.","Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Well, hello.",Amy: Hello.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Would you care for a brandy?,Amy: I don’t think so.,"Sheldon: Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Good choice, it’s disgusting.","Amy: Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me.","Sheldon: So, you see it too.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.,Amy: I thought it smelled like a petting zoo in here.,"Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same. ",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,Sheldon: Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.,"Amy: Okay, I’ve had enough.","Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Leonard: I’m sorry, is that a yes?",Amy: No. ,"Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.",0
Series 10 Episode 08 – The Brain Bowl Incubation,"Sheldon: Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.","Amy: For God’s sake, you’re ridiculous.",Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Howard: Damn, the MacArthur Genius Grant.",Raj: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.,"Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: That’s Sheldon’s way of saying he’s proud of Bert, too.",Howard: Ah.,"Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: Wow.,"Howard: And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it.",Sheldon: I’m very congested. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Howard: Here he comes.,Leonard: Right. Be polite.,Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Howard: That’s amazing.,"Bert: Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool.",Sheldon: I want grilled cheese. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.","Bert: I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it. Well, see ya.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.","Leonard: I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I’ve ever heard.",Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Ignore him, he’s just cranky because Bert from the geology lab won a big grant.","Penny: Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio. You know, when they told him he won, he didn’t believe it, but then he did believe it. It was so funny.",Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.,"Penny: You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets?",Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.","Amy: You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert’s research, you’d be less bitter about him winning.","Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: It’s always fun watching him read someone else’s work.,Penny: It’s like scrolling through the emojis on my phone.,"Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why.",Amy: Sounds like the night we had coitus.,Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.","Amy: Sheldon, it’s foolish to be angry that Bert’s work has merit.",Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Penny: I, I knew the answer. I got excited.","Leonard: Hey, buddy, why don’t we go for a walk, so you can calm down.",Sheldon: Agreed. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.,"Leonard: Hey, I’m trying to help you.","Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Raj: I laughed because the guy was Leonard.,Scene: The park. ,"Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I admire you, Leonard.","Leonard: Really, why?","Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.","Leonard: I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head.","Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: How did you deal with it?,"Leonard: I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix.","Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.","Leonard: Do it. Visualize it as your anger and, and toss it out of your life.","Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: Let it fly.,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…",Amy: What happened?,Sheldon: You’re going to leave me? ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.","Amy: You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You’ve got love, you’re in good health, you’ve got a roof over your head.","Sheldon: Wait, where are you going? ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: You’re up.,"Penny: This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off.",Sheldon: Good. Good.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?","Penny: I do, your life is fine you big baby. ",Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Amy: Really?,"Leonard: If it helps, I’m questioning your life choices, too.",Sheldon: Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green? ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.",Penny: There you go.,Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Howard: All right, we’re done. It’s offensive.",Scene: The cafeteria.,"Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Top of the afternoon, gentlemen.",Howard: You’re in a good mood.,"Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?","Raj: Well, I’m glad to see you moving forward.","Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Leonard: I think he might be learning on his own.,Raj: Then the robot uprising has begun.,Sheldon: I want soup.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.","Raj: He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him.",Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.","Bert: Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great.","Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.","Bert: You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year.",Sheldon: I need soup.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: Really? I didn’t know that.,"Bert: So I was thinking, you know, engineers don’t get a lot of respect. Is your friend Howard working on anything cool?","Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: I can’t believe you head-butted a water fountain.,Sheldon: In the lab?,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Bernadette: I can’t imagine you being violent.,"Leonard: It’s not hard. Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.",Sheldon: Is that a dog?,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Penny: I think I hate all of you nerds.,Scene: A corridor at the university.,Sheldon: We don’t have soup. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: Sorry I’m moving slowly.,"Leonard: Oh, I don’t mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I’m walking with my grandma.",Sheldon: I want soup.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this.","Leonard: Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma.",Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. ",Bert: Come in.,"Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.",Bert: What happened to you?,"Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.","Bert: Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for.","Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.",Bert: Is it working?,Sheldon: Why? ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.","Bert: Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.",Sheldon: On Sunday? ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.","Bert: Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen?",Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: You know what? This isn’t gonna work.,"Bert: Sheldon, wait. You know, you’ve got a lot to be happy about. You’re at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.","Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Scene: The apartment. ,Penny: I can’t believe you punched Bert.,"Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I’m sick!",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I’ve got someone here who might make you feel better.","Stephen Hawking (on skype): Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom. ,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Sheldon: Professor Hawking.,Hawking: I understand you’re struggling with professional jealousy.,"Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Penny: Oh, wow, that doesn’t seem fair.",Hawking: It’s fine. I’ve been on The Simpsons.,Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Hawking: Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.",Amy: How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you’re brilliant?,Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.,0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,"Sheldon: I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.",Hawking: I always thought a motorized toy of me would be cool.,"Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. ",0
Series 10 Episode 09 – The Geology Elevation,Scene: The Ellen Show.,"Ellen: A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that’s true because laughing has made me the smartiest. Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they’re dumb.",Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,"Amy: If we’re going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?",Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.","Amy: Great, what’d you have in mind?","Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.,"Amy: Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.",Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.","Amy: Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.","Amy: Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody.","Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now please leave.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.,Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.,"Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Amy: I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.,Scene: At the apartment door. ,"Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when? ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Yeah, there’s hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.","Penny: Oh, no, no, those hooks are gone.","Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Penny: I seem to be losing.,"Leonard: Yes, you do.",Sheldon: Sick? ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?",Penny: Why don’t you keep it?,Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.","Penny: Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with.",Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?","Leonard: Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.","Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.","Leonard: Fine, take the plant.",Sheldon: Checkmate.,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Howard: Yeah, let him do it.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Leonard: Oh, yeah. The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock.",Mr Spock Cuckoo Clock: Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper.,Sheldon: Your parents made the right decision. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: It’s one of a kind.,Penny: So if it breaks there’d be none of it?,"Sheldon: How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.",Leonard: So you think you should keep it?,Sheldon: There have been studies.,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.,"Leonard: Keep the clock, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Penny: Thank you.,Amy: Thank you?,"Sheldon: But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?","Leonard: Let me guess, you want it.","Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.","Leonard: You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don’t care.","Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Penny: Leonard.,"Leonard: Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.","Sheldon: No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?","Amy: Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things?","Sheldon: Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.",Leonard: You know what? There is one thing I would like.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Yeah, take whatever you want.",Leonard: I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment.,"Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: But you don’t even like flags.,"Leonard: Yeah, I like this one.","Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: But I designed it.,Leonard: But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price.,"Sheldon: Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: But you don’t even understand its symbolism.,"Leonard: Oh, I do. The, the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I’m happy about it.","Sheldon: Great, what is it?",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Penny: Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.","Leonard: Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.","Sheldon: You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.","Leonard: Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too.",Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.","Leonard: All right, I tried.","Sheldon: Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.",Amy: I’ve got the Neosporin. Who got hurt?,"Sheldon: No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Scene: The laundry room.,Leonard: Hey.,"Sheldon: No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: What do you think you’re doing?,Leonard: Separating my delicates.,"Sheldon: It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Strange old man: Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.","Leonard: Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here.",Sheldon: Break a leg. (She leaves),0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.","Leonard: Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing? ",Sheldon: Good for you. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.",Theodore: It’s like the ’40s again.,"Sheldon: Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.","Penny: All right, Sheldon, this is over the line.","Sheldon: Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.","Theodore: Oh, oh, I have a receipt from a blood bank. I’m O-negative.",Sheldon: Un-unravelable. ,0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Theodore: I like the painting. Is that your mom?,"Leonard: Sheldon, get out here.","Sheldon: That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?,Leonard: We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me?,"Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,Sheldon: I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.,Leonard: Because you were being selfish.,"Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Theodore: Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.","Amy: I think he might be right. Also, who is that?","Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Penny: We’re good, thank you.","Amy: So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay.","Sheldon: No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.","Leonard: Well, I’d like that, too. ","Sheldon: Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. ",0
Series 10 Episode 10 – The Property Division Collision,"Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.",Leonard: You promise?,"Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Amy? Wake up.,Amy: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: It’s midnight. Happy birthday.,"Amy: Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning.","Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.",Amy: I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this?,"Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.,Amy: I love it. Thank you.,"Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.,Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. ,Amy: Is that okay?,Sheldon: To help you. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Leonard (off): Come on, we’re going to the hospital.","Amy: I guess, I guess we should stop.",Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The stairwell. ,"Penny: Sheldon, what took you so long?","Sheldon: He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Penny: Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.","Amy: Well, first deliveries can be slow.","Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Penny: Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?","Amy: Oh, uh, I don’t know. Sheldon, you don’t want to do that, do you?",Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Leonard: Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.","Penny: Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular!","Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? ","Penny: I’m sorry, and what flavour is your bubble gum cigar?","Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,"Amy: So, where were we?","Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.",Amy: I’m sorry.,"Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.","Amy: Well, shall we start over?","Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Very well.,Amy: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)….. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.","Amy: Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush.","Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.",Amy: And the mood continues to change.,"Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.",Amy: Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.,Sheldon: I was not aware of that. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?,Amy: No.,Sheldon: Why? ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…",Amy: It’s not about trains.,"Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?,Amy: Stop talking about trains.,Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Raj: You’re gonna have to be quieter than that.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor? ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Can I look yet?,"Amy: One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter.",Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: Wowza.,Amy: I got a Gryffindor robe for you.,Sheldon: I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.",Amy: I did. Am I in trouble?,"Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.","Amy: Wait, what just happened?","Sheldon: You’re right, it can wait until morning. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Sheldon: You know I’ve been wanting to go.,"Amy: Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday?",Sheldon: Yes. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Leonard: Well, it is their child.","Raj: I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous.",Sheldon: It’s important.,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Raj: And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.","Amy: I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?",Sheldon: I need to speak to you.,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Stuart: Hmm. You two got married.,Amy: Sheldon and I are living together.,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Stuart: What’s your problem?,"Raj: Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile.","Sheldon: No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Stuart: Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.","Raj: Oh, yay, I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I’m every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store.","Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. ",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The waiting room. ,Leonard: I’ve come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.,"Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.",0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The hospital nursery.,"Penny: Oh, look at all the babies.",Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,Scene: The stairwell.,"Amy: Well, that was quite a day.",Sheldon: I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six. ,0
Series 10 Episode 11 – The Birthday Synchronicity,"Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.",Amy: I was afraid you’d be too tired.,Sheldon: I think I know.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Penny (checking phone): Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.","Leonard: Well, he didn’t throw up on the baby. That’s a win.",Sheldon: I have a conclusion based on an observation.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Amy: Hi.,Penny: Hi. Welcome back. How was Texas?,"Sheldon: I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Amy: It was not a great trip.,"Penny: Well, you’re home now.","Sheldon: I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Scene: The apartment. ,Leonard: Did you at least have a good flight down there?,"Sheldon: (Buzzing noise), too late, I win. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Penny: So, what happened in Texas that was so bad? ","Leonard: And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.",Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Well, we were on our way to my mother’s house…",Flashback.,"Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback.,"Amy: So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together.","Sheldon: Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.,Amy: Maybe there won’t be one.,"Sheldon: Now, who would do that?",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.","Amy: Well, she likes me. You know, there’s a chance she might be okay with it.",Sheldon: Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Leonard: Who knows what he has down there.,Penny: Mm.,"Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback.,"Mary: Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.","Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Amy: Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.","Mary: Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?",Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.,"Amy: They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.","Sheldon: Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.","Mary: Come on, Shelly, tell me your news.",Sheldon: So it was working.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.","Mary: Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.","Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.","Mary: Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you.",Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback.,"Mary: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.","Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?",Mary: No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses.,Sheldon: So you admit that you’re an egotist?,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Well, this is highly insulting.","Amy: Sheldon, don’t overreact.","Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Back to apartment. ,Penny: What?,Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Mary: Oh, heck no.","Amy: Sheldon, what, what are you doing?","Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Mary: You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.","Amy: We’re ignoring the fins, okay.","Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Amy: I don’t think that’s what she’s saying.,Back to apartment.,"Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: And?,Amy: That’s exactly what she was saying.,"Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Leonard: Absolutely not.,"Amy: Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.","Sheldon: Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Flashback. ,"Amy: You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone.","Sheldon: And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…",Amy: What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet?,"Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.","Amy: Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip.",Sheldon: How’d that work out for you?,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.,Amy: She was gonna find out eventually.,Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.","Amy: Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.",Sheldon: Then why did you say it.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Why would you do that?,"Amy: This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.",Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: You managed the situation?,Amy: That’s right. ,Sheldon: Don’t you ever speak to me again. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.","Amy: Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you.",Sheldon: What did he say?,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: I have gotten much better at that.,Amy: Have you? How am I feeling right now?,"Sheldon: In what words then, exactly",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. ,"Amy: You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.","Sheldon: Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?,Amy: Delighted that you showed any interest in my family at all?,"Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea? ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Bernadette: Sorry we’re late.,"Penny: Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.",Sheldon: A powerful laxative. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Sheldon: Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up.,Flashback.,Sheldon: It’s certainly preferable to my plan.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Penny: Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.","Leonard: On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school.",Sheldon: I couldn’t poop this morning. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?,Penny: Okay. Then what happened?,Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Bernadette: It’s like I was excited for a present and got socks.,Stuart: I don’t understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.,Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Back to apartment.,"Leonard: By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.",Sheldon: Huh.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?",Bernadette: Sure.,Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Hey, how’s life with your baby?",Amy: Really? You’re never gonna touch their baby?,Sheldon: Oh dear God! ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Raj: Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk.",Back to apartment.,"Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?",Amy: Sheldon.,"Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Howard: Shh, I don’t hate you. ",Back to apartment. ,"Sheldon: No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome. ",0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,"Sheldon: It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.","Bernadette: Thank you, Sheldon, I’m feeling better now.",Sheldon: If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. ,0
Series 10 Episode 12 – The Holiday Summation,Raj: Be there bright and early.,"Howard: Not me, paternity leave.",Sheldon: And I forbid it. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Credits sequence. ,Scene: The stairwell.,"Sheldon: They’re not supposed to, but they should. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Leonard, i’ve been meaning to ask you, what size shoe do you wear? ",Leonard: Why?,Sheldon: It doesn’t need proving. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.,Leonard: That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half.,"Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?",Leonard: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?,Sheldon: You can’t. I’m the lead author. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.,"Leonard: If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me.","Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.","Leonard: So, hang out with me and we’ll have boys’ night.","Sheldon: Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Howard: Yeah, it left little holes in the floor, that’s why I bought the rug. ",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Hey.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?","Penny: Oh, it was fine.","Sheldon: Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?,"Penny: Uh, chips.",Sheldon: Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Anything to drink?,Penny: Some wine.,"Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.,Leonard: What? Where is this coming from?,Sheldon: You may want to put on slacks. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Penny: Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.","Leonard: Fine, go ahead.",Sheldon: They found the remote controlled cars.,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: Mm-hmm.,Amy: I’ll call you when we get to the hotel.,"Sheldon: Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Thanks. Are you ready?,"Amy: Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon.","Sheldon: No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.,"Leonard: Go ahead, it’s fine.","Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I’ve got goosebumps. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Let’s go.,Amy: Bye.,Sheldon: Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits),0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Bye.,Amy: I’ll miss you.,"Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Yeah, I’ll miss you too.",Amy: I’ll miss you more. ,"Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: Thank you.,"Scene: The apartment, later. ","Sheldon: And boring, her words. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Here. You’re sad, so I made you tea.",Leonard: Thanks.,Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: And it’s just the way you like it.,Leonard: Earl grey?,"Sheldon: Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Honey?,Sheldon: What did I do? ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: Unsweetened almond…,"Sheldon: How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.","Leonard: Sorry, thank you.",Sheldon: I could eat. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Well, what can we do to cheer you up?",Leonard: I really don’t know.,"Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?","Leonard: I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.","Leonard: Its not that I’d stopped trying, its just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.",Sheldon: I’m not hitting on her.,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Raj: Material Girl needs ot be retired, that is your karaoke song. ",Scene: Leonards car.,Sheldon: What?,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I invented?,Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?,"Sheldon: It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?",Leonard: I don’t want to wait two days for us to work this out.,Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Penny: Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.","Leonard: Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort. ",Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.","Amy: Nice to see you, too.",Sheldon: You Indian.,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: I don’t understand what you want.,Penny: I’m trying to figure it out.,Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. ","Amy: Sheldon, why don’t we give them some privacy?",Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Howard: Bigger problems, I felt something pop. ",Scene: The spa.,"Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Sheldon: There’s a cucumber in my water.,Amy: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody? ",Amy: It’s there on purpose. It’s refreshing.,"Sheldon: When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Leonard: Hey.,Penny: Hey.,Sheldon: It’s a children’s story.,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. ,Leonard: What do you say?,"Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. ",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Amy: It’s in our agreement. I have to laugh.,Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: That’s Princess Punchali. ,0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Penny: Article 8, subsection B, Leonard will restrict videogaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.",Leonard: Does it really need to say that?,"Sheldon: So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,Penny: I think this all looks good.,"Leonard: Me, too.","Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.",0
Series 10 Episode 13 – The Romance Recalibration,"Sheldon: Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.",Amy: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.,"Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Howard: I thought things were going well. What happened?,"Raj: I don’t know, she didn’t even give me a reason.",Sheldon: Sorry I’m late.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?",Raj: Can we not play this game?,Sheldon: And now we’ll never know. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup.","Raj: That’s okay, I’m fine.",Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.","Raj: I’m not a virgin, Sheldon.",Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.",Leonard: You’re not being very nice.,Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet? ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: What? He said he was fine.,Howard: Sometimes people say things they don’t mean.,"Sheldon: Yes, ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.","Penny: Hey, boys. How’s it going?",Sheldon: Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.","Bernadette: So, normal.",Sheldon: I’ll have a diet coke.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Yeah.,"Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?","Sheldon: With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.","Raj: It’s okay, I’m fine.","Sheldon: Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.","Raj: Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more.","Sheldon: No need, we have the special edition. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Then why didn’t you say that?,Howard: Because that’s not what people do.,"Sheldon: Understandable, but there’s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.","Penny: No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough.","Sheldon: Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.",Amy: I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating.,Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: And also a little sad.,Sheldon: What’s not to love?,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Howard: You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.",Amy: What do you think?,Sheldon: It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.,Bernadette: Wouldn’t that be nice.,Sheldon: You seemed confused.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Raj: Now that Sheldon’s across the hall, have you decided what you’re doing with his old room?",Leonard: I was thinking maybe a library or a gaming room.,"Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: You could make it a train room.,Leonard: I don’t like trains. You like trains.,Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.","Howard: Sheldon, I just heard from the guys at MIT about that emotion reader. They’re sending a prototype for you to beta test.",Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It’s right here under Batman’s signature.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: No, Raj, that’s a terrible idea.","Howard: Yeah, I was joking.",Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Howard: This thing’s pretty cool. It interprets emotions using a wireless signal to analyse subtle changes in breathing and heart rate.,Amy: It’s amazing a machine can do that.,"Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Howard: Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?","Amy: Okay, I’m looking at the first picture.","Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: You are happy?,Amy: Yes. I’m looking at puppi,Sheldon: And now you’re out of life. Why did you hit pause?,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Howard: Try another one.,Amy: Okay. What does it say I’m feeling?,Sheldon: We said no tanks.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Sad.,Amy: Yes. I’m looking at a picture of my grandma.,"Sheldon: That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.",Amy: Yes.,"Sheldon: I can’t shoot now, I’m cloaking.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Leonard: Yeah, sure. He really worked with the Drug Enforcement Agency?","Penny: He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah.",Sheldon: Shhh! ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.",Leonard: How’s it working out?,Sheldon: It’s Halo night. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Surprisingly well.,"Leonard: That’s great, I’m happy for you.",Sheldon: My point.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Amy: What’s that? Are you working on your resume?,"Penny: No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here.","Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.","Leonard: No, it doesn’t.",Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Penny: What? Are you really upset about Randall coming?,Leonard: No.,"Sheldon: Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Yes.,Leonard: I said no.,"Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Leonard: Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.,Penny: He’s my brother. I didn’t think I needed your permission.,"Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Penny: Like you talked to me about your gaming room?,Leonard: Our gaming room. I was gonna put a scented candle in it.,"Sheldon: Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: He’s still mad.,Amy: Stop enjoying their fight.,"Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Leonard: Did it have a metal toilet next to the bed?,"Penny: It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon?",Sheldon:  Then it’s not dancing night. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Penny: You gave me a bill at the end of every month. ,Leonard: Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight.,Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon, let’s go.","Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Gladly. Can we storm out?,Amy: I think it loses its impact if we’re chatting about it.,"Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Sheldon, dinner’s ready. I made beef loaf, because I know you’re uncomfortable with the non-specificity of meat loaf. Sheldon? Hey, are you okay?",Sheldon: It’s Halo night.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Not really.,Amy: What’s going on?,Sheldon: What about the won-tons?,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.",Amy: I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings.,Sheldon: I’ll know. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.","Amy: Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.","Amy: Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell.","Sheldon: Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.","Amy: No, see, right there, you knew you hurt my feelings. And I’m proud of you, for reasons I’m sure have something to do with my father. And if you don’t like that machine, get rid of it. Because I love you exactly the way you are.","Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Howard: Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s door. ,"Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Sheldon: Yes?,Leonard: We owe you an apology.,"Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.",Leonard: That was six years ago. I’m talking about tonight.,"Sheldon: He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Penny: Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.","Leonard: And, sorry about the suitcase.","Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Leonard: So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?,"Penny: Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.","Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. ",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.",Leonard: That’s because we are.,Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. ,0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Penny: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?","Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Penny: So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.",Leonard: We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.",0
Series 10 Episode 14 – The Emotion Detection Automation,"Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?","Bernadette: Let’s see. You’re better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don’t have to be us.",Sheldon: I imagine there aren’t many kosher corn-huskers. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.",Howard: Those are just the things I say out loud.,"Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.",Howard: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.",Howard: Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller. ,"Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.",Leonard: Can we please stop talking about poodles?,Sheldon: I’m Sheldon.,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.","Howard: Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home.",Sheldon: Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: I don’t want to go home.,"Leonard: Fine, go for a little walk.","Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Howard: We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.","Leonard: You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point.",Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.","Leonard: Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present.","Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: Really?,"Leonard: Yeah. Go ahead, open it.","Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Hey, you’re home early.",Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.",Amy: Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do?,Sheldon: Hm! ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.,"Amy: Well, I’m really happy for you.","Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.",Amy: I give up.,Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: You.,Amy: No. I really give up.,"Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.",Amy: Can I pee now?,Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that?","Howard: I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run.","Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?",Howard: How’d you even get that up the stairs?,"Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.","Leonard: Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you.",Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Interesting. Well, so I was right.",Howard: Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here.,"Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.","Leonard: Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out.","Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Howard: He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.,"Leonard: Come on, you know you’re not leaving physics. Why are you doing this?","Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Howard: That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard.,Leonard: No.,Sheldon: Where do I begin? ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.",Leonard: Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are?,"Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.",Howard: It’s a manifold.,"Sheldon: It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.",Leonard: Just look at the board.,Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: That’s wrong.,"Leonard: Oh, no, what should we have done differently?","Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.",Howard: Told ya. Can you fix it for us?,"Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Leonard: And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.","Howard: And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.,"Leonard: So, what do you say?","Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. ",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.",Howard: That’s a turbo.,"Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me.",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,"Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.",Scene: The cab of a steam locomotive. ,"Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: I apologize that it’s so warm in here.,Amy: It is warm in here.,"Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)",0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon: I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat.,"Amy: Me, too.",Sheldon: Mine. ,0
Series 10 Episode 15 – The Locomotion Reverberation,Sheldon (voice): The light’s green.,Amy (now in her car): Sorry.,"Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Howard: Go. Come on, Raj.",Leonard: You can do this.,"Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Aw, look at you watching sports.",Howard: We’re betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disk can spin.,"Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.","Amy: Hey, Sheldon, I found a great restaurant for date night.","Sheldon: One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Amy: Oh. Immature.,Leonard: How ya doing?,"Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: He’s not gonna make it.,"Howard: Yes, he is.",Sheldon: Oh good grief.,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?","Howard: Ha, you’re interested. You’re out ten bucks.","Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: It’s slowing down.,"Leonard: Dig deep, like when we bet you couldn’t fit into Howard’s pants.",Sheldon: 8:08.,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Scene: A restaurant. ,Amy: The food here’s supposed to be great. Don’t fill up on chips.,"Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.","Amy: Oh, look. It’s Bert, at the bar. We should go say hi.","Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Why?,Amy: Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.,"Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.,"Amy: Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom.",Sheldon: Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.","Amy: Hi, Bert.",Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Amy: That’s a real thing?,Bert: Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind.,Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, have a lovely evening.","Bert: Thanks. You, too.",Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.),0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Penny: Yeah. Shoes, I’m a seven-and-a-half, boots, I’m an eight.",Scene: The restaurant.,Sheldon: Good night Leonard. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Bert: Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.",Amy: I’m so sorry.,Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Bert, I insist that you join us.",Bert: You really wouldn’t mind?,Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Bert: Thanks. I’ll go grab a chair.,"Amy: Sheldon, that was so sweet of you.","Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.",Amy: So the part where he got stood up didn’t clue you in?,Sheldon: He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Amy: Okay, literally any other topic.",Bert: All right. How did you guys meet?,"Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Actually, we met online.",Amy: Our-our first date was at a coffee shop.,Sheldon: You’re in trouble. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Bert: Uh, yeah, everyone at the university does.",Amy: Were you aware of this?,"Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.",Scene: The stairwell. ,Sheldon: I’m not. No offence. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Why aren’t you talking to me?,Amy: Because I’m mad at you.,"Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked.","Amy: Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life.",Sheldon: Yet another child left behind. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.,Amy: That’s why they’re doing it.,"Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: I’m going to bed.,"Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.",Amy: So?,Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.",Amy: I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not.,"Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.,"Amy: That’s different. She’s a close friend, not the lady in the cafeteria who cuts the crust off your sandwiches.","Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Leonard: Yeah.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,"Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?",Amy: Yeah?,Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it.",Amy: What is this?,"Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.",Amy: Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking?,Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.","Amy: Well, I do appreciate you working on this.",Sheldon: What?,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.",Amy: What’s that little dot in the middle?,"Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.,Amy: Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me?,Sheldon: I’m the Doppler Effect. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Of course. ,Amy: Can I hear one?,Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: No, they’re private.",Amy: Why? Are they naughty?,Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: A little.,Amy: Please?,Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.,Amy: What? Why didn’t you say anything?,Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Sheldon: I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.,"Amy: So when I got up at 4am. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn’t have to?","Sheldon: Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,Howard: Oh. How’s the dog gonna go to the bathroom?,"Raj: Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem.",Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.",Bert: He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this.,"Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. ",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.",Bert: That doesn’t paint me in the best light.,Sheldon: Good luck. ,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?",Bert: Not really.,Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.,0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.",Leonard: What brought that on?,"Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”",0
Series 10 Episode 16 – The Allowance Evaporation,"Sheldon: Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.",Howard: That’s understandable.,"Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Following a “previously on” sequence:,Scene: The apartment.,"Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Uh-huh. Interesting. Okay.,Raj: How bad is it?,Sheldon: And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?",Raj: Are you serious?,Sheldon: Telepathically?,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.,"Penny: Well, he has a job. How bad can it be?","Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.","Penny: Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look.","Sheldon: See, people get it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Howard: I thought your dad paid your cards.,Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.,Sheldon: Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.,Raj: Like a business manager?,Sheldon: This party is just going to suck. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.",Howard: What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?,"Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.,"Leonard: We don’t know, his mother never had him tested.",Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start? ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?","Raj: Okay, Sheldon. Yeah, I’m putting you in charge of my finances. I will not spend another penny that you don’t authorize.",Sheldon: It’s 7:05. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Howard: You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic-Con?,"Leonard: No. Which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon’s job.",Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: She’s gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.,Howard: And hate all the crowds at the panels.,"Sheldon: Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: That I would do to her.,"Raj: I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not.","Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Stuart: Panels. Just wanted to be included.,"Raj; Come on, Sheldon, it’s Comic-Con. Just let me have the money for this, and I won’t ask for anything else.","Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: See? Miserable.,"Raj: Okay, you’re right, I got myself into this, but I’ve never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.","Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Raj: Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?","Leonard: Hang, hang on. So I have to bring Penny, you can’t afford it, Howard’s gonna get in trouble, and this guy gets to have a great time.","Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Scene: The comic book store.,"Leonard: I even said off the chain mail, and she still wants to go.",Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.),0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,Leonard: Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con.,"Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either.",Leonard: Is that nice?,Sheldon: Anime?,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.","Leonard: Uh, it’s more complicated than that.",Sheldon: What about comic-books?,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.",Leonard: Do you think she’s as honest with you?,"Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific? ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: Penny says they’re ready to go.,Sheldon: A Halloween party?,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.,"Amy: Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?","Amy: Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about?","Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.,Amy: Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy.,Sheldon: Dancing?,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.","Amy: No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it.","Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Why?,Amy: Because it’s between them. ,"Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Penny: Hey.,Amy: Hi. ,"Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.",Leonard: I don’t have a problem with your driving.,"Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Leonard: Why would I be upset?,Amy: Because you don’t want her to go to Comic-Con.,"Sheldon: Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: Wait, you don’t want me to go?","Leonard: Well, I just don’t think you’re gonna have a good time.",Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Leonard: All right, problem solved.",Penny: Okay.,Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table? ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Penny: Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.","Raj: Thank you, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to Comic-Con this year.","Sheldon: Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Stuart: I would.,Bernadette: Keep it. Consider it a gift.,"Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?,Bernadette: What’s the difference?,"Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Amy: So you’re not going to Comic-Con?,"Raj: I’ve been plenty of times. If I miss one, it’s fine. I’m a big boy.","Sheldon: I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Howard: I’m gonna go check on dinner.,Amy: Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say?,"Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant. ",0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.",Amy: By yourself?,Sheldon: I still don’t care. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.,Stuart: I’ll go with you.,Sheldon: Leonard?,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,"Sheldon: That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. ,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: There’s my pretty girlfriend.,Amy: I’m not going with you to Comic-Con.,Sheldon: She got lucky.,0
Series 10 Episode 17 – The Comic-Con Conundrum,Sheldon: What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?,"Amy: He can, but it’s still not changing my mind.",Sheldon: She’s not that intelligent.,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Bernadette: Oh, we’re smarter than that.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,"Amy: For the last time, no Hulk, no Batman, no life-size statues.","Sheldon: Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Leonard: Hey.,Amy: Hi.,Sheldon: I’m coming.,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.",Penny: What’s it for?,"Sheldon: Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Roofing.,"Penny: Yeah, it’s yours.","Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.","Leonard: Yeah, for a little while.",Sheldon: I don’t come into your house and touch your board.,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: What about his dog?,"Penny: She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal.",Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I suppose that’s acceptable.,"Amy: Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.","Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.",Leonard: And I think it’s nice that you’re taking whatever medication Amy’s clearly giving you.,Sheldon: Cool?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Leonard: Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter.,Penny: Mm-hmm.,Sheldon: You did this?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Leonard: Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it.,Amy: Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right.,"Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.","Amy: But you are, aren’t you?","Sheldon: Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m outraged. ",Amy: Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.,"Sheldon: My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. ","Amy: There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room.","Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.,Amy: And there is the love of which I speak.,"Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.","Amy: Well, this isn’t an easy time for him. He’s losing his apartment, he’s in debt, he’s probably humiliated.","Sheldon: I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: You ready to go?,"Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: All set.,Amy: What’s that?,"Sheldon: Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: A housewarming gift for Raj.,"Amy: Well, a bunch of fake snakes better not spring out of it, ’cause that was a lousy anniversary present.","Sheldon: I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Penny: Hi.,Leonard: Perfect timing. Food’s ready.,"Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Amy: No. I already asked.,"Raj: Thank you, Sheldon. It’s a blank notebook. ",Sheldon: So you’re saying Leonard has a girl in there.,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Howard: He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.,Raj: This means a lot.,"Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: What does it mean?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.",Amy: Sheldon.,Sheldon: Well?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.","Raj: You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk.",Sheldon: Just come with me.,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?,Everyone: Yes.,"Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I thought that was gonna break the other way.,"Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Maybe we should just eat at our place.",Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.,Raj: What do I have to be happy about? My life’s a wreck.,"Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn’t say I cared.",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Beverley (on skype): Hello, Sheldon. What a pleasant surprise. How are you?",Sheldon: You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. ,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.","Beverley: Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on?","Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.","Beverley: Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents?","Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?","Beverley: Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes?","Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I have.,"Beverley: Clearly, your old room represents an escape hatch, and without it, you’re forced to confront the terrifying reality of being trapped in a relationship with Amy forever.","Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Amy: This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.,Beverley: Interesting. They’ve found a need to take yet another room mate. Seems they’re avoiding some harsh realities themselves.,Sheldon: We don’t. This is a disturbing aberration. ,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Penny: Do you actually pay for that haircut?,Raj: That’ll do it.,Sheldon: Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy. ,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?","Raj: Sheldon, she’s fine.","Sheldon: Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.",Raj: Thank you. I appreciate that.,"Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.","Leonard: I don’t know who you talked to, but that wasn’t my mother.",Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. ,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Sheldon: Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.",Penny: What are you talking about? We’re fine.,"Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here. ",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom.,Amy: You okay?,Sheldon: Statistically unlikely. ,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: I can’t sleep.,Amy: What’s wrong?,"Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.,Amy: Is that bothering you?,"Sheldon: Alright, I’m moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. ,"Amy: I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain.",Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Sheldon: What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?,Amy: I don’t know. I just think you’re the kind of person who likes a contingency plan.,"Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?",0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,Stuart: Better than I feel in their steam shower? I don’t think so.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,Sheldon: I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me. ,0
Series 10 Episode 18 – The Escape Hatch Identification,"Stuart: Hey, that’s no way to talk about your baby.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: I got my job back.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Credits sequence. ,Scene: Amy’s car.,"Sheldon: Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Things have been going really well with the infinite resistance gyroscope.,Amy: That’s great. How so?,Sheldon: Dr Gablehouser.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.",Amy: Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on?,Sheldon: Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.",Amy: I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it.,Sheldon: Why not?,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.,"Amy: Yes, I’m trying to figure out to the nanometer and the attosecond, precisely where and when an event of awareness takes place.","Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Amy: You know, when I was six, I wanted to marry the gorilla from Good Night, Gorilla. Maybe I was onto something.",Scene: The cafeteria. ,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.","Howard: Unless it was singing Be Our Guest, I doubt it.",Sheldon: What for?,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Raj: The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.",Leonard: He does raise an interesting point.,Sheldon: Yeah.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Howard: I’m sorry, I spaced. Are we still talking about the spoon?",Raj: It’s nice to see you taking an interest in Amy’s work.,"Sheldon: What do you want, mom?",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: You know, I like harp lessons, but I’m thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. What are you working on?",Sheldon: It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. ,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.","Amy: Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?",Sheldon: Morning.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.,"Amy: Sheldon, this is really interesting.","Sheldon: To my room, and no-one’s allowed in. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.","Amy: You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship?","Sheldon: Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.,"Amy: Well, that would make me feel better.","Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.",Amy: That’s a ridiculous rule.,Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Montage of shopping scenes. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: I believe I’ve made some progress on our ground rules.,"Amy: Oh, good. What are they?","Sheldon: I know, but why?",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"my name goes first. Oh, subsequently, if we win any awards, I speak first. I don’t want to be talking when the orchestra plays us off.",Amy: Can I see that?,"Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.","Amy: Sheldon, if we’re gonna have ground rules, I’ll tell you the first ground rule. I make the ground rules.",Sheldon: Thank you.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Howard: Well, at least someone had the courage to say it.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s door. ,"Sheldon: That’s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Thank you, you are a good citizen. Told you. Go ahead, throw my underwear out the window. Same thing’s gonna happen.",Amy: Terrific. Do you want to hear our new set of ground rules?,Sheldon: Shhhhh!,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Fire away.,"Amy: Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition.","Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.","Amy: Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid.",Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Aw, someone drew a penis in it.",Amy: Are you listening?,"Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: I’m sorry, go ahead.","Amy: Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat.","Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.","Amy: Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work?",Sheldon: It’s an experiment. ,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Montage of Sheldon and Amy working together. ,Amy: Wow. Look at that.,Sheldon: I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. ,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yes, this is remarkable.","Amy: So we’re agreed, it’s complete garbage.","Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: I don’t know where we went wrong.,"Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.","Amy: Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it.","Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.,"Amy: I can hear your face talking, so we’re even.","Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.","Amy: Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better?",Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. ,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.","Amy: You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea.",Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.",Amy: That would mean that this delayed parameter should be increased 250 milliseconds.,"Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn’t say anything ’cause you’re so sensitive.",Sheldon: Isn’t it?,0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.","Amy: Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.","Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: That is a daring and insightful solution. ,Amy: We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.,"Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?,Amy: I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.,"Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.","Amy: How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero.","Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. ",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.",Amy: There’s only one clear choice.,"Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Science it is.,"Amy: No, you bonehead.","Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Leonard: I don’t know, you pretty much covered it.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: Can you read them back?,"Amy: Revised ground rule number one, we are on the same team, but it is a competition.","Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,"Sheldon: Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.","Amy: Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face.","Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.",0
Series 10 Episode 19 – The Collaboration Fluctuation,Sheldon: I love that one.,"Amy: Thanks, babe. Number three, fair topics for insult include educational pedigree, scientific field, intellectual prowess, and mamas.","Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?","Raj: Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to.",Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Hello.,Amy: Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow?,"Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Amy: But you said you were working with me.,Penny: Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom.,Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. ,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.","Leonard: I’m sorry, what is this plan you have?","Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.",Leonard: When does that start?,"Sheldon: Never mind, you won’t get it right, I’d better come with you.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Raj: Genius. I was gonna say, why does anyone think Sheldon’s a genius? But I didn’t.",Scene: The guys laboratory.,"Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Gentlemen, I’ve got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work?","Howard: Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal?",Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Leonard: It’s getting harder to pretend.,"Howard: Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter.","Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Run down the pros and cons of each for me.,"Howard: Well, if we run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler, it’ll be cooled immediately before it reacts with the conduction.",Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Howard: You can just feel the time being saved.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory,"Sheldon: I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Ah, I’m back, you got me for eight minutes.","Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. You can’t expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.","Sheldon: I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,–,Leonard: Seven.,Sheldon: As do I.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: It’s five and a half.,"Howard: Son of a bitch, it’s five and a half.","Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: BRB. That’s short for be right back. I’m saving so much time.,Scene: Amy’s laboratory. ,"Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: The two signals meet up in the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.,"Amy: Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong.",Sheldon: Morning.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: The guys laboratory. ,"Leonard: I got to admit, we didn’t think you’d be able to do two things at once.","Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: The laundry room. ,"Penny: Hey, since when do you do laundry on a Thursday?",Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say",God bless you.,Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?","Penny: Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day.",Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.",Penny: Are you getting sick?,Sheldon: Well here’s an interesting turn of events.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.,"Penny: Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard.",Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: I’m fine.,"Penny: All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen.","Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: That didn’t happen.,Penny: You also got a nosebleed watching Up.,Sheldon: Nothing.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Sheldon, you’re sick, go back to bed.","Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry.","Amy: It’s okay, now I don’t need butter.","Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.",Amy: You need sleep.,"Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: What I need is to get to work.,"Amy: Well, I don’t want your germs around me.","Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: The apartment. ,"Amy: Sheldon, are you okay?","Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: What’s going on? How’d I get here?,"Leonard: I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you.","Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Home from work? What time is it?,Penny: It’s nine o’clock. ,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?,"Raj: Wait, you don’t remember?",Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgement.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.",Leonard: You did seem a little loopy when you showed up at the lab.,"Sheldon: So, how was your date?",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Raj: I don’t know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.",Scene: The apartment. ,Sheldon: Why would she be expecting me? ,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: My pants are missing, I don’t remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?","Penny: I don’t know, check your body for tattoos?",Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Leonard, would you be a lamb?",Leonard: She’s kidding.,Sheldon: Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.",Raj: It’s right here.,Sheldon: Okay.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. ","Penny: Okay, it’s just a notebook, what’s the big deal?",Sheldon: What should I tell her.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: Well, people who are abducted by aliens lose time. I mean, maybe it happens to the aliens, too.","Leonard: Well, it’s not across the hall.",Sheldon: Me?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Leonard: But, boy, it is funny to think about.",Amy: You really can’t remember anything?,"Sheldon: It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: I’m trying.,"Raj: Wait a minute. Hey, let me see your phone.",Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Penny: I don’t even run there, I drive.","Raj: Hang on, I can see every place you went.",Sheldon: Just do it.,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: What does it say?,"Raj: Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard.","Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Where?,"Raj: Wait, hang on. Did you go to a cowboy bar?","Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Scene: A cowboy bar. ,Raj: Does this place look familiar?,Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Barman: Hey, Sheldon’s back.",Bar patrons: Sheldon!,"Sheldon: If I could of, I would of. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: It’s getting clearer.,Barman: You gonna buy another round for the house?,"Sheldon: Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.",Leonard: Ask him.,"Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?",Raj: These here parts?,Sheldon: Why would I join you?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Sheldon: It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.",Barman: Here you go.,Sheldon: Not if you’re a rugby team. ,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,"Barman: Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret.",Flashback,"Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: I swear.,Everyone: I swear: ,Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Not to tell anyone.,Everyone: Not to tell anyone.,Sheldon: Could you be more specific?,0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Everyone: The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.,End of flashback,"Sheldon: Oh, goody, we’re getting a cat. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Barman: See you. Should probably erase this.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Thank you for making me tea.,Amy: You’re welcome. How is it?,"Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Yummy. And warm on my back.,Amy: Do you need anything else?,"Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. ",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: You know exactly what I need.,"Amy: Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.","Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: That’s nice. Now in German.,"Amy: Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt.","Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…",0
Series 10 Episode 20 – The Recollection Dissipation,Sheldon: Great. Now Mandarin.,Amy: Sings in Mandarin. *,"Sheldon: If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: Oh, good lord.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: All right, we’re about to go live, everyone on their A-game, good energy. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.",Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Sheldon: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it. ",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj (singing): That’s equally effective.,"Together (singing): It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags.",Sheldon: The internet’s been down for half an hour. ,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.","Amy: Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began. ","Sheldon: Well, no.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.",Amy: Could have played that on my harp.,Sheldon: Of course not. ,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.,Leonard: I honestly don’t remember.,"Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…","Penny: Oh, wait. I remember.","Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Oh, and do you remember what you said?",Penny: Yes. Please find someone who cares.,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability. ",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. ,Amy: Almost 200. Many of them on purpose.,Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.","Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It’s Bert.","Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?,Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.,Sheldon: Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Stuart: You leave her with me, and I’m not any of those things.",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts. ,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Where’s Howard?,Raj: He took the day off.,Sheldon: Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj: Yeah.,"Bert: Hey, guys.","Sheldon: Wooh, I’m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Oh, hello.",Leonard: Hey. Want to join us?,"Sheldon: I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Raj: Oh, quick, sit.","Leonard: So, Sheldon says you have a new girlfriend.","Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants. ",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Raj: Well, I’m very happy for you.","Leonard: Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us?","Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster!",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. ,Bert: What do you want to know?,Sheldon: I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Is she a geologist?,Bert: No. ,Sheldon: Lock and load. ,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Rebecca: Hi.,Leonard: Hey.,Sheldon: Good lord!,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Penny: So is this your first time dating a scientist? ‘Cause I’m thinking of starting a support group.,"Rebecca: Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.","Sheldon: Right, then the entire thing’s one big heat sink.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.",Rebecca: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.,Sheldon: And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing. ,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.,Amy: It wasn’t a time-out. Let’s get some food.,"Sheldon: Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj: That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.,"Bert: I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile.","Sheldon: Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy. ",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Sheldon: What’d you do, delete your photo?",Amy: Go.,Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Fine.,Amy: And don’t you slam that door.,Sheldon: Considering what? How great this place looks?,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Leonard: So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?","Rebecca: I came to Los Angeles to be an actress, and things didn’t really work out.",Sheldon: Check.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?","Bert: She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.",Sheldon: Check.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Bernadette: She’s not gonna see us all day, and she doesn’t even care.",Scene: The cafeteria.,Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Who’s ready to laugh?,Leonard: O-o-o-o-oh.,"Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Raj: I think it shows a lot of character.,Bert: I’m gonna hold out and see if I can find a hot young blonde who likes me for me.,"Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Scene: The apartment.,Amy: What are you looking at?,Sheldon: That wasn’t sarcasm?,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: Oh. You know, good for you.","Bert: No, I miss her. I don’t know why I listened to you.","Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Raj: No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.","Penny: Look, sweetie, relationships aren’t about money, okay? It’s about respect and having things in common and… yes, Sheldon?","Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Bert: Sorry again for barging in.,Leonard: You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us.,"Sheldon: And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Bert: You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.",Raj: I feel bad for Bert.,"Sheldon: Really more to organise, you’re not actually dirty, per se.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Penny: All that and he’s shorter than me.,"Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?","Sheldon: Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Bernadette: Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment.,Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet.,0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,Sheldon: Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.,Amy: And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.,"Sheldon: Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.",0
Series 10 Episode 21 – The Separation Agitation,"Amy: So welcome to tonight’s episode, ",Together: Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags: A Retrospective Retrospective.,Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Howard: We can’t get through.,"Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help.",Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay, one second.","Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?","Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Leonard: Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.","Howard: No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks.",Sheldon: Sarcasm?,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.,Howard: Kids are always better at video games.,"Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, I don’t like it.","Leonard: Mm, if it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child.",Sheldon: Morning.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Howard: Oh, so our love is not real?","Raj: Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.","Sheldon: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.",Leonard: Hot dogs.,Sheldon: I am not leaving until I’m done.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Zack: Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.",Scene: The comic book store. ,"Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about our recent humiliation.,Leonard: You’re gonna have to be more specific.,"Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: At the hands of those teenagers.,Leonard: More.,Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Boy teenagers.,"Leonard: Oh, the video game. Yeah, that was bad.",Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Raj: You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?","Howard: Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first.",Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Howard: Boy, it is neck and neck right now.","Leonard: How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles?","Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Leonard: I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.","Raj: If you really want to challenge yourself, you could learn to speak Hindi.",Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: Hey.,"Sheldon: Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Raj: Hey.,Amy: What smells so good?,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Raj is teaching me to make croissants.,Amy: Is this part of your super-aging?,Sheldon: No?,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.","Raj: Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.",Sheldon: (sucks in breath),0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?","Amy: Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills.",Sheldon: I helped run some cable for a webcam.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.","Raj: You want a real challenge, try keeping me from eating more of these.","Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s kitchen. ,"Howard: All right, this is everything. What do you want to learn?","Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: It really doesn’t matter, as long as it’s challenging.","Howard: Okay, well, how about, oh, I teach you some close-up magic.",Sheldon: Straightening up.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Bernadette: Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.","Howard: And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm?",Sheldon: Hang on.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Bernadette: Is it I’m going to die alone?,"Howard: No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it.","Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?",Howard: No.,Sheldon: No.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Leonard: Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. ",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Amy, look, I’m on a unicycle!",Amy: How did you get from croissants to a unicycle?,"Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: I hurt myself juggling.,Amy: Where did you get it?,"Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.",Amy: Have you tried letting go of the rope?,"Sheldon: No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.","Amy: All right, well, have fun.","Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Wait, I need help getting down.","Amy: Well, what do you want me to do?",Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: I’m returning this stuff to Howard.,"Amy: Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle?",Sheldon: What’s your formula for the corner.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.","Amy: You said juggling was dumb, too.",Sheldon: Exactly half.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.","Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up?","Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Are you calling me a quitter?,"Amy: Well, if you honestly…",Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s bedroom. ,Amy: I made you tea.,"Sheldon: Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: Thank you.,Amy: I’m sorry I called you a quitter.,Sheldon: I hardly think so. ,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.",Amy: What are you reading?,Sheldon: Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out.,0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. ,Amy: So?,"Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,Sheldon: So I’m running out of time.,"Amy: That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you.","Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.","Amy: Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books.","Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Sheldon: Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.","Amy: Okay, fine, let’s say you never win a Nobel Prize. Let’s say you spend your life doing solid scientific research surrounded by friends and loved ones who appreciate you, not for what you’ve accomplished but for who you are as a man. Wouldn’t that be a life well-lived?","Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. ",0
Series 10 Episode 22 – The Cognition Regeneration,"Bernadette (as Doll): Don’t be that way. If you don’t mind a few splinters, we can have us a ménage à trois. Ooh.",Scene: A street. ,Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Leonard: Thank you.,"Penny: And for the world’s tallest second grader, apple juice.","Sheldon: You’re kidding, right?",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Bernadette: Yeah, you guys did this all on your own.",Raj: Without me.,"Sheldon: Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Bernadette: So what happens next?,"Howard: Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.",Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Leonard: First thing tomorrow morning, we’re back at it.",Raj: Without me.,"Sheldon: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: What the hell?,Leonard: Where is everything?,"Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: Who else has access to this room?,"Leonard: It’s a secure lab in a classified facility, only the U.S. government and us.","Sheldon: Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: But why would you do that?,"Col. Williams: You guys completed phase one, we’ll take it from here.",Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Leonard: Are you implementing phase two?,Col. Williams: I can’t tell you that.,Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: This is all very upsetting.,"Col. Williams: I’m sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people’s feelings.","Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Howard: How can you work on something for a year and they just take it?,Leonard: I can’t believe the Air Force would treat us like that.,Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Leonard: She might disappear, but she’s definitely not cleaning anything.",Scene: The apartment. ,"Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Bernadette: You’re kidding. Why would they do that?,Howard: They wouldn’t say.,Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.","Amy: Sheldon, I’m so sorry.",Sheldon: And you’re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Penny; Oh, damn, wait, you know, maybe you shouldn’t go.",Amy: Got to go. Morning.,"Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.,Amy: Are you feeling okay?,Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.,"Amy: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.","Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.","Amy: Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain.",Sheldon: You’re going to have to call her.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: What’s the occasion?,"Amy: No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you.",Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.","Amy: Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own.",Sheldon: Leonard.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.","Amy: Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly.",Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?","Amy: You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new.",Sheldon: From the intercom.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.","Amy: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks.","Sheldon: Good thinking, I’ll just be the muscle.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.,"Amy: That is true, I have said that.",Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?",Amy: I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton.,Sheldon: It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.","Amy: Yeah, that’s the one.",Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.","Amy: Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first.","Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.,Amy: So are you.,"Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Thank you, but I’ll be fine.","Amy: Are, are you sure?",Sheldon: Hello.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Raj: You could try saying that without smiling.,Leonard: I’m trying. This is the best I can do. What are you doing?,"Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can’t even carry a TV. ",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.,Raj: Why?,Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Raj: Yeah, sure.","Leonard: Sheldon, you’re being silly.","Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.",Leonard: Do you really care about that last one?,Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, but that list was sounding a little thin.","Leonard: Instead of dwelling on the negative, think about this. Your girlfriend was given an amazing opportunity, which gives you an opportunity to show her that you’re a loving and supportive boyfriend.","Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Amy: Hey. You going somewhere?,Sheldon: You think with your penis.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, but you are, so I got you this as a present.","Amy: Sheldon, that isn’t necessary.","Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.",Amy: Thank you.,"Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.",Amy: Does this mean you’re okay with me going?,Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…",Amy: I am.,Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.",Amy: I wasn’t thinking that.,Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.",Amy: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.,Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.",Amy: What if we don’t fold our clothes at all?,"Sheldon: Oh, of course.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Amy: Okay, the car is waiting. Do you want to walk me downstairs?","Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.",Amy: Is it?,"Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.",Amy: Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while?,Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?,Amy: I’ll love you no matter what.,"Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?",0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.,Amy: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.,Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. ,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?,Amy: I will.,Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And when you’re at the gate?,Amy: Uh-huh.,Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development. ,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?,"Amy: I don’t know what they look like, but sure.",Sheldon: No.,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.,Amy: I won’t.,Sheldon: No?,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,Sheldon: And every morning.,Amy: Got it.,Sheldon: Yes. ,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. ",Amy: Good thinking.,Sheldon: Yes. ,0
Series 10 Episode 23 – The Gyroscopic Collapse,"Sheldon: And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.",Amy: Thank you. That means a lot.,"Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Following a “previously on” sequence. ,Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype.,Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: How are you settling in?,Amy: Pretty well. Princeton has a beautiful campus.,Sheldon: You’re lactose intolerant. ,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.","Amy: Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home?",Sheldon: That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.",Amy: I miss you.,"Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: I miss you, too.","Amy: It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar.",Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I’m sorry you had to go through that.,"Amy: In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you.",Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: You know you just split an infinitive.,Amy: Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson?,Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.,Amy: What are you gonna do about it?,Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. ,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I’m going to admonish you.,Amy: Vigorously?,Sheldon: Aaah!,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Raj: Oh, why does he need a ladder?",Leonard: He doesn’t; he just likes looking at them. Bring a book.,"Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Leonard: Hello.,"Raj: Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you. ",Sheldon: Well.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.",Leonard: Oh. I love those.,"Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. ",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Raj: So what do you guys think that’s about?,"Leonard: Knowing Sheldon, nothing.",Sheldon: What’s the difference?,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.",Ramona: Not ’til you tell me about your latest paper on quantum loop theory.,"Sheldon: No, I sit there.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Penny: Really? All I got from Leonard was the Toblerone bar had nuts.,Scene: Sheldon and Amy on skype. ,"Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: And get this, I saw an articulating ladder with dual-leg leveling, which delivers stability and adaptability to uneven terrain.",Amy: Sounds like a big night.,"Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?",Amy: So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely?,"Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,with Dr. Nowitzki.,Amy: Who’s he?,"Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman. ","Amy: Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her?","Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.","Amy: Huge fan, you say?",Sheldon: Yeah. ,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Raj: Thank you.,Penny: The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting.,"Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Ramona: Hi.,All; Hi.,Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Scene: The same, later.",Leonard: And you actually got in a pool?,"Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.","Ramona: I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day.","Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Bernadette: Can I just squeeze in here?,"Penny: So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy?",Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.",Ramona: Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her.,Sheldon: To what end?,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.,"Leonard: Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend?",Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Ramona: No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.",Raj: I think you made that very clear.,Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: She was part of the American team at CERN.,Ramona: I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson. ,Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. ,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?",Ramona: Absolutely.,Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I’ll get them.,"Ramona: Well, hang on, I’ll come with you.",Sheldon: Not with commentary.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Penny: You got fingers and a mouth, you call her.",Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: Here you go.,Ramona: Are these all from Peter Higgs?,Sheldon: Bye.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.","Amy: Hello, Sheldon.",Sheldon: Great.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Oh, hello, Amy.",Amy: I was missing you again.,Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Ramona: So nice to meet you.,"Amy: Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry.",Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?,Amy: It’s not important.,Sheldon: Hi.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?",Ramona: I do.,"Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Howard: You done trying to make yourself feel better?,Raj: No. I haven’t played the race card yet.,Sheldon: Evidently.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Raj: Whatever.,Ramona: Walk me to my car?,"Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Bernadette: Excuse me.,"Penny: Pardon. I just need to., yeah.","Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.,Scene: The street.,"Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: Bye.,Penny: We need to talk.,Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Scene: Sheldon and Amy’s apartment. ,"Penny: Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you.",Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend.,"Penny: Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more.",Sheldon: Bye-bye,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.","Penny: Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.",Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: I already do.,"Penny: Well, then you get it.",Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.",Penny: Right.,Sheldon: I want to leave.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.","Penny: Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe…",Sheldon: I wouldn’t.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.",Penny: All right. What do you think is happening?,"Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Scene: Sheldon’s office. ,"Ramona: Hey, did you eat yet?","Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.","Ramona: Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches.","Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,Sheldon: How thoughtful. Thank you.,"Ramona: Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you.",Sheldon: I think this is the place.,0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?",Ramona: What if I were?,"Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt. ",0
Series 10 Episode 24 – The Long Distance Dissonance,"Sheldon: Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.",Scene: Princeton. ,"Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.",0