Hey, easy...
You've really got to go.
But I want you to know that I understand why you're afraid--a lot of good people down there at the Committee are afraid. I'm really sorry for what you're being put through.
All those articles you people write-- where do you find that stuff?
We don't tell anyone that. Which is why you can talk to us. And if we can't verify what you say someplace else, we don't print it. That's another reason you can relax.
You were Hugh Sloan's bookkeeper when he worked for Maurice Stans at Finance, and we were sort of wondering, did you go work for Stans immediately after Sloan quit or was there a time lapse?
One minute but then--
I was just curious--you don't do it well, so I wondered. Have you been threatened, if you told the truth, is that it?
...No... never in so many words...
There are too many people watching me--they know I know a lot--
--it was all in hundreds, wasn't it?
A lot of it was. I just thought it was sort of an all-purpose political fund--you know, for taking fat cats to dinner, things like that.
Could buy a lot of steaks, 350,000 dollars.
I can't be positive that it was used for the break-in but people sure are worried.
Which people?
The ones who could disburse the money.
Who were they?
There were a group of them--I think five, I don't know their names.
It's awfully hot-- --and you haven't finished telling me about the money--
--omigod, there was so much of it, six million came in one two-day period-- six million cash, we couldn't find enough places to put it. I thought it was all legal, I guess I did, til after the break-in, when I remembered Gordon got so much of it.
Gordon Liddy, you mean?
It was all so crazy--the day after the break-in he gave us a speech, bouncing up and down on his heels in that loony way of his--Gordon told us not to let Jim McCord ruin everything--don't let one bad apple spoil the barrel, he said. You just know that when Gordon Liddy's calling someone a bad apple, something's wrong somewhere. ...It's all so rotten...
Why couldn't you have just dialed me from the office, Irwin?
'Cause I'm not calling out from the phone company anymore-- --I think the place is bugged.
So tell me about the Times article.
What do you want to know?
No games, Irwin; give.
My big civil rights buddy-- --boy, if John Mitchell was after your phone records, would you be screaming. What're you onto?
Something maybe big.
And that makes anything you do OK, is that it?
Just tell me about the goddamn article.
It was accurate, but I can't get a fuller listing for you--all Barker's phone records have been subpoenaed.
Who by?
A Miami D.A. The guy doing the investigating is named Martin Dardis.
--then again, maybe things are even worse than we've written--
Try and understand this. I'm a decent Republican. I believe in Richard Nixon. I worked in the White House four years--so did my wife. What happened on June 17 I don't think the President knew anything about. Some of his men I'm not so sure of.
Do you think the truth will come out at the trial?
That's another of the things I'm not so sure of.
Because people at the Committee were told to lie to the prosecutors?
We were never told flat out "Don't talk." But the message was clear.
To cover up?
But they both worked at the White House?
I will not talk about the other two.
Right.
Ordinarily, though, what was the procedure?
What happens when the baby comes?
I really can't talk now--
--this'll only take one second--
--I'm not your source on that--
--that leaves Haldeman, period.
--if we wrote a story that said Haldeman controlled the fund?--
Then it's our asses, isn't it?
Same kind of crap--
--I don't know, I don't know, it feels thin--
--well shit, we oughtta be tense-- we're about to accuse Mr. Haldeman who only happens to be the second most important man in America of conducting a criminal conspiracy from inside the White House-- --it would be nice if we were right--
What's this?
I don't think either Metropolitan or National should cover the story. I don't think we should cover the story, period.
Go on.
It will, it just hasn't bottomed out yet, give it time.
Look--why would the Republicans do it? --my God, McGovern is self- destructing before our eyes--just like Muskie did, Humphrey, the bunch of 'em. Why would the burglars have put the tape around the door instead of up and down unless they wanted to get caught? Why did they take a walkie- talkie and then turn it off, unless they wanted to get caught? Why
You saying the Democrats bugged themselves?
I was told by this guy at the White House that Hunt was investigating Teddy Kennedy.
How senior?
Just tell me his title.
I don't know titles.
This is a daily paper, we'll explain it tomorrow. You're certain on Mitchell?
--I saw him. He verifies.
I got Clawsen on hold--
--his dialing finger must be falling off--
--what do you think?--
--I'm sure--
We can't talk inside either?
Anything else from Mr. Throat?
Mr. Caddy? My name's Bob Woodward, I'm from the Post and I wanted to ask about how you happened to come on this case--
--I'm not here.
Douglas Caddy, the attorney of record, when questioned about his presence in the courtroom, denied he was in the courtroom, "I'm not here," Mr. Caddy said.
Mr. Rafferty was very helpful. Four Cuban-Americans and this other man, James McCord.
Look, I told you inside--
What I don't understand is how you got here.
I assure you, there's nothing mysterious involved.
Probably you're right, but a little while ago, I was talking to a couple of lawyers who'd been assigned to represent the burglars.
So?
Did you know to come because one of the other men involved in the break- in called you?
There is no reason to assume other people were involved.
They are not my clients.
You're a lawyer and you're here--
--I met one of the defendants, Mr. Barker, at a social occasion once-- --I have nothing more to say.
A Miami social occasion? Mr. Rafferty told me the Cubans were from Miami.
Barker's wife called me at three this morning; her husband apparently had told her to call if he hadn't called her by then.
It was really nice of you to come, since you'd only met him once.
Are you implying you don't believe me?
I have nothing more to say.
You claiming it was all a misunderstanding, Ken?
Absolutely--Marilyn's gotten it totally wrong--
She's an awfully good reporter--I can't remember her getting too much wrong before, can you?
That's a bullshit question, that's a question straight out of Wichita, Kansas.
Sorry, Ken; listen, one last thing: where did your talk with Berger happen?
Where? What do you mean, where?
Well, was it in a bar, her apartment, some restaurant--
--this should take only a minute, Mr. Dahlberg, but we're doing a follow- up on the break-in-- --and I was kind of curious about your check.
...check...?
The twenty-five thousand dollar one. The one with your name on it. In Bernard Barker's Florida account. Bernard Barker, the Watergate burglar--
...you're definitely doing a story...?
Yes, sir.
That twenty-five thousand dollars is money I collected for Nixon in this year's campaign.
I see. And how do you think it reached Miami?
I don't know; I really don't. The last time I saw it was when I was in Washington. I gave it to the Finance department of the Committee to Re- Elect the President. How it got to that burglar, your guess is as good as mine.
I saw the flag signal--what's up?
Nothing, that's the problem--the story's gone underground.
You thought I'd help out on specifics? I'll confirm what you get, try to keep you on the right track, but that's all. Are you guys really working? How much?
I don't know maybe sixteen, eighteen hours a day--we've got sources at Justice, the FBI, but it's still drying up.
Then there must be something, mustn't there. Look, forget the myths the media's created about the White House-- the truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.
If you don't like them, why won't you be more concrete with me?
Because the press stinks too--history on the run, that's all you're interested in. You come up with anything?
John Mitchell resigned as head of CREEP to spend more time with his family. That doesn't exactly have the ring of truth. Howard Hunt's been found--there was talk that his lawyer had 25 thousand in cash in a paper bag.
Follow the money. Always follow the money.
To where?
Go on.
This man Gordon Liddy--he's going to be tried along with Hunt and the five burglars--we know he knows a lot, we just don't know what.
You changed cabs? You're sure no one followed you?
I did everything you said, but it all seemed--
--melodramatic? Things are past that--remember, these are men with switchblade mentalities who run the world as if it were Dodge City.
What's the whole thing about--do you know?
What I know, you'll have to find out on your own.
Liddy--you think there's a chance he'll talk?
My turn to keep you waiting. What's the topic for tonight?
Ratfucking.
In my day, it was simply called the double cross. I believe the CIA refers to it as Mindfuck. In our context, it simply means infiltration of the Democrats.
I know what it means--Segretti wouldn't go on the record, but if he would, we know he'd implicate Chapin. And that would put us inside the White House.
Yes, the little ratfuckers are now running our government.
Who?--be specific. How high up?
You'll have to find that out, won't you.
What?
I hope you noticed how coolly I behaved under the threat of discovery.
Do Justice and the FBI know what we know, and why the hell haven't they done anything about it?
They know, but they focused on the burglary--if it didn't deal with the break-in, they didn't pursue it.
Why didn't they?--who told them not to?
Someone with authority I'd imagine, wouldn't you? Don't you know what you're onto? Come on.
Mitchell knew then.
Of course--my God, you think something this big just happens? The break-in and the cover up, of course Mitchell knew, but no more than Ehrlichman.
Haldeman too?
Why did they do all this for Chrissakes?--what were they after?
Total manipulation. I suppose you could say they wanted to subvert the Constitution, but they don't think along philosophical lines.
Talk about Segretti--
--don't concentrate on Segretti or you'll miss the overall scheme too.
There were more then.
Follow every lead--every lead goes somewhere--
--the Canuck letter--was that a White House operation--
--don't you miss the grand scheme too.
How grand?
Nationwide--my God, they were frightened of Muskie and look who got destroyed--they wanted to run against McGovern, and look who they're running against. They bugged, they followed people, false press leaks, fake letters, they canceled Democratic campaign rallies, they investigated Democratic private lives, they planted spies, stole documents, on and on-- don't tell me you think this was all the work of little Don
And Justice and FBI know all this?
Yes, yes, everything. There were over fifty people employed by the White House and CREEP to ratfuck-- some of what they did is beyond belief.
Fifty ratfuckers directed by the White House to destroy the Democrats?
--I know, I know, the pressure's off the White House and it's all back on the Post--
--you've done worse than let Haldeman slip away, you've got people feeling sorry for him--I didn't think that was possible. A conspiracy like this-- the rope has to tighten slowly around everyone's neck. You build from the outer edges and you go step by step. If you shoot too high and miss, then everybody feels more secure. You've put the investigation back months.
We know that--and if we were wrong, we're resigning--were we wrong?
Hello, I'm Bob Woodward of the Washing Post and... Mullen and Company Public Relations? Could you tell me when you expect Mr. Hunt? He is?
Howard Hunt here.
Hi, I'm Bob Woodward of the Post and--
--yes, yes, what is it?
I was just kind of wondering why your name and phone number were in the address books of two of the men arrested at Watergate?
Your name, please.
James McCord.
And what is your occupation, Mr. McCord?
Security consultant.
Where?
Government. Recently retired.
Where in government?
...Central... Intelligence... Agency...
Where?
I'm so glad you could come, Mr.--
You know, the paper was my father's and my husband's when they were alive and I was thinking back a year or two ago when Ben called me and said he wanted to publish the Pentagon Papers the next day. The Times had already been stopped from publishing anymore of them and all my legal counsel said "don't, don't" and I was frightened but
I think so.
Are you sure?
No.
When will you be, do you think?-- when are we going to know it all?
It may never come out.
Never? Please don't tell me never. Ben says you've found some wonderful sources.
Some Justice Department lawyers and an FBI man, and some people from the Committee to Re-Elect, yes ma'am.
And the underground garage one. Would I know him?
I couldn't say.
But it's possible.
It is.
You've never told anyone who he is? But you'd have to tell me if I asked you. Tell me.
I would, if you really ever wanted to know.
We're going to need lots of good luck, aren't we?
--you are ignoring the importance of the Dahlberg repercussions--
--nobody gives a shit about the Dahlberg repercussions--
--correction--when you were drinking your lunch at the bar of the Sans Souci--
--this White House guy, a good one, a pro, came up and asked what is this Watergate compulsion with you guys and I said, well, we think it's important and he said, if it's so goddamn important, who the hell are Woodward and Bernstein?
Ask him what he's really saying--he means take the story away from Woodstein and give it to his people at the National Desk--
--well, I've got some pretty experienced fellas sitting around, wouldn't you say so?--
--absolutely--and that's all they do, sit sit sit--every once in a while, they call up a Senator, some reporting--
Where's that cheery face we've come to know and love?
You call me in on my day off because some idiots have broken into local Democratic Headquarters--tell me, Harry, why should I be smiling?
As usual, that keen mind of yours has pegged the situation perfectly. Except it wasn't local Democratic Headquarters, it was National Democratic Headquarters-- --and these weren't just any idiots, these were special idiots, seeing as when they were arrested at 2:30 this morning, they were all wearing business suits and Playtex gloves and were carrying-- --a walkie-talkie, forty rolls of film, cameras, lock picks,
Preliminary hearing at Superior Courthouse?
...go on, go on...
That's everything Bachinski had, I think it's worth following up.
OK, get on this W.House guy and do a better job then you did on McCord.
I did all right on McCord.
Then how come the Associated Press were the ones found out that Mr. McCord is security coordinator for the Committee to Re-elect the President, otherwise known as CREEP?
The head of security for the reelection of a Republican President got caught bugging the national offices of the Democrats? What the hell does that mean?
Mr. John Mitchell, the head of CREEP, says it means nothing. "...This man and the other people involved were not operating on either our behalf or with our consent. These is no place in our campaign or in the electoral process for this type of activity, and we will not forget it or condone it."
You can't believe that.
What'd you get on W.House?
Lotsa hints--
Who's Charles Colson?
I would liken your query to being in Russia half a century ago and asking someone, "I understand who Lenin is and Trotsky I got too, but who's this yokel Stalin?"
Who's Colson, Harry?
The second most powerful man is Robert Haldeman. Just below him are a trio: Mr. Erlichman is Haldeman's friend, and they protect the President from everybody which is why they are referred to as either The German Shepherds or the Berlin Wall. Mr. Mitchell we've already discussed. Mr. Colson is the President's special counsel.
Thanks, Harry. Know anything about Colson?
Whaddya got, whaddya got?
So?
I never asked them about Watergate. I only said what were Hunt's duties at the White House. They volunteered that he was innocent when nobody asked was he guilty.
--who you got?--
Anything?
Woodward's onto a new wrinkle with the break-in thing--absolute page one stuff--
--in other words, you got nothing, you're thumbsucking.
Could develop.
I can predict the next words you're gonna say: "anyone but Bernstein." I want to send a reporter to Miami.
Anyone but Bernstein.
Howard--
--remember Toronto, Harry.
That was awhile ago.
I don't get it--you were the one who wanted to fire him.
--has any of them got an ax?--
--listen, we didn't make them do these things--once they did, it's our job to report it--
--listen, I love this country, you think I want to bring it down?--I'm not some goddamn zany, I was a hawk--
--Harry, weren't you just arguing the opposite way?--
More denunciations?
What else have you got?
Isn't that what you'd expect them to say?
--no--
What do you think Mrs. Graham wants to see me for?
Maybe to fire you--since you two started on this story, the Post stock has dropped, what, 50 percent? And the word is some Nixon people are challenging her TV licenses. I'm not saying she's going on relief, but I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to meet you.
You think she wants us to ease up on the story?
--which Young?
--and he says Chapin hired Segretti--
--well and good, but when will he say it on the record.
Mr. Sloan?
I'd like to talk to you, I really would, but my lawyers say I shouldn't until after the Watergate trial.
Does "they" mean the White House?
As opposed to the Committee? The Committee's not an independent operation. Everything is cleared with the White House. I don't think that the FBI or the prosecutors understand that.
The report on the cash in Maurice Stans' safe, the three hundred fifty thousand, that's true?
No. It was closer to seven hundred thousand.
And as treasurer, you could release those funds?
When so ordered.
Colson's too smart to get directly involved with something like that.
Haldeman. Right?
I can't say anything, I'm sorry.
One thing I'm not completely clear on--when you gave out the money to Liddy, how did that work?
Go on.
A boy or a girl?
--and it wasn't Ehrlichman or Colson or the President.
--look, when the Watergate grand jury questioned you, did you name names?
Hi. I'm Bob Woodward of the Washington Post and I hate to bother you at home--
--I already get the Post. I don't need another subscription.
No, I'm a reporter. I wanted to talk to you about the Committee to Re- Elect.
The what to what?
You work there, Miss Abbott.
What the hell was that?
Sorry.
No, it was good.
Oh, well... It came from the heart.
I'll do it.
Good work, Ostreicher.
Thanks coach.
You're a killer, Ozzy!
Christ! I didn't say you were out of the game!
Sorry, coach.
Great evening, isn't it?
Sure.
What did you just say?
Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova -- as in Casanova.
Look, Chris. There are just some things you need to learn, that's all.
Alright, well...you've got to tone it down. You don't need to go to Lookout Point and spout cheeseball lines to be romantic.
...okay...
You have to pay attention to a girl. Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.
Perhaps you should consider actually answering an ad.
Finch, you can be the one to date a nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your damn imitation hot dog.
Good morning gentleman.
Finch! Where were you last night? What happened to the foolproof plan?
You're just gonna sit there and drink your coffee?
Finch, don't you think it's about time you learned to take a dump at school?
Ah, Stifler's mom! Thank you for letting us have a great party.
As if there were any alternative in the matter. Are you enjoying yourself?
I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am!
I'm so happy for you. Takes the edge off, doesn't it? And where might your date be?
Oh no, no date. Bathroom incident.
...Nevermind. You have anything to drink?
I believe the kegs are upstairs.
All right, I got some scotch.
Single malt?
So...would you object if I said you're quite striking?
Mister Finch -- are you trying to seduce me?
I had no idea you'd be this good!
This is your plan, Finch?
This. Right now.
Of course, Finch. What?
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.
What are we gonna hear?
You know, Jim...you could go back there...and...
What do you suppose they're saying?
Finch! Get to the bathroom! Now!
Easy, tiger. What's in there?
Just go!
Why is this?
You're gonna shit your pants!
Charming.
Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino or whatever. It's fast acting. I mean <u>really</u> fast.
Me too. For the most part.
I'll tell you, I've learned one thing: women, like wine, get better with age. Of course, I have no frame of reference for this comparison.
Not bad, Chris.
Really? Hey, thanks -- Heather, right?
Yeah...so...you've got this sort of... Bobby McFerrin thing going there.
Yeah. Right, uh-huh. I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me. Music is so expressive.
Oh sure. I know what people think. It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass lacrosse player -- I also play football, by the way -- But that's like...not <u>all</u> that I am.
Of course, I didn't --
I mean it really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me like that.
Yeah...so like, what else <u>do</u> you do?
Well the same things you do. Hang out with friends and stuff, you know, whatever. What do you think I do?
I just -- realized that I didn't know anything about you. I was interested.
Hey, what're you doing here?
Um...Chris --
You can call me Oz.
Do I have to?
You can call me Ostreicher.
What's your middle name?
Forget it.
Come on! I won't tell.
Neither will I.
Alright, cool. I gotta hit the showers, but...I think this'll be really good.
Nice car.
I'm glad you think so.
You don't like it?
What?!
Oh, please. I asked you because I thought you might actually be worth going with. But you are just a jock. No wait. You're a jerk.
What? No I'm not.
I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.
I wasn't making fun of you.
Why are you doing this?
Because I want to.
Hi...
How did you know I was here?
Stifler told me.
You talked to Stifler?
Well...I needed to find you. We are gonna have to practice that song.
Uh...my dad's the manager.
Really? Cool. Tell him his subs are great.
My dad's always here running the store, busy and stuff...and I fill in once a week so he can get a night off.
That's nice.
So you're going to Michigan?
Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go to Northwestern. I didn't want to write all those extra essays they make you do -- I mean, how am I supposed to know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was? So when my U of M acceptance came in December, I said the hell with it.
Onions?
What?
You want onions?
Oh, yeah. So what're you gonna major in?
Well, State's got a good business school. And I can probably walk onto the lacrosse team. Green peppers?
Yeah. So wow, you've got it figured out.
Well, I mean, business is okay, and lacrosse is awesome, but what am I gonna be, a pro lacrosse player? I really have no idea.
Oh thank God, I thought I was the only one.
Well, you're not. Oil and vinegar?
Yeah. You know, people are always like, "What're you gonna major in?" And I don't know. And they're like, "You'll figure it out." Yeah? When?
I know. Salt and pepper?
So we're gonna be close next year?
You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East Lansing and Ann Arbor.
...I've got this lacrosse game. It's really important, it's our last game. And you know, Central almost beat us last time, so I really want to kick their ass, and it's like cool because we're gonna get to play at State, which means that after the game I might be able to stop by...
You can't sing at the competition.
I'm sorry, I totally spaced. I just...I didn't realize it...
...it's okay, you should do whatever makes you happy.
What about the game?!
I'm not playing.
You're missing the game for us?!
There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.
What's that?
This isn't the best way to proposition me.
No, that's not what I mean. I mean -- look. You know what made me leave that game? Coach was giving this speech, about not slacking off when you see the opportunity to score.
This isn't any better, Chris.
Oz, it's okay, I know.
You called me Oz.
Hmm. You know that's really a shitty middle name!
I can't think of anything to say that's not cheesy.
Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.
Yeah right.
What? We both have cars.
Yeah but, no offense, you're talking about a post-high school, long- distance relationship, and you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.
That's not why we're going out.
What the hell are you expecting him to drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and cookies?
Jessica! He'll drive there for me, and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him. We're going to have sex when he's ready and I'm ready. It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right place, the right time, the right moment.
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex. So did you do the physics write-up?
He likes it.
Of course he does. What about you? Have you just never had one with Kevin -- or have you never had one, period?
I think I've had one.
Well that's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex. You've never even had one manually?
...I've never tried it.
Jessica, can you drive me home?
Ah, you'll get her back soon enough. That's easy, she likes you. What you need to do is learn to press a girl's buttons. You gotta give her what she's never had.
What?
I'll give you a hint. "Ohhh, yeah, yeah!" Comprende?
You mean...and orgasm?
You got it, stud.
Well...I'm pretty sure I've --
No you haven't.
But that one time --
No.
Well of course I'd want to give her that. I mean, what do you think, I don't care about her?
Do you?
Of course.
I -- I don't know, you can't ask me that.
Well, if you want to get her in the sack, tell her you love her. That's how I was duped.
I don't want to dupe her, Jessica. If I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.
No comment.
No comment?! Are you kidding me?! I've never seen someone's image change so...so drastically!
Thanks. It was my idea.
Did you guys hook up or something?
Are you kidding? No.
Then what the hell are you talking about?
Well...I guess it's okay for me to tell you now. That reputation of his isn't going anywhere. Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica, I need help with this, blah blah, etcetera." So I told him, pay me two- hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple girls that you're dynamite in bed. So he did, and I did.
I don't get it, that really works?
Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.
Give it to me! Yes!
Don't you love my sexy body?!
You're so big!
Fuck me! Yes!
And you said...
Nothing, I just hugged her back.
You think she was serious?
There's our man.
Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind," equals old.
Alright...I'm shooting for a nine o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five after.
You can crash at Stifler's?
At least now I know what the hell they're saying.
What about you? You're the one with the girlfriend and you're still stranded on third base.
Gotta go.
Ow, what the hell?
Like a bet?
That's what we are, we keep each other on track. Prior to this day, we've postured. We've procrastinated. We've pretended. We've -- well I can't think of other p-words, but we've probably done them too.
Pontificated.
Separately, we are flawed and vulnerable. But together, we are the masters of our sexual destiny!
Yeah, it's like tradition or something.
Right. That gives us...
I have no idea. Finch showers in a bathing suit.
No -- it's true. He is...really... big.
Hey, where's Finch?
Went home to shit.
You can send me the address too.
Well...dammit, if I'm doing this, how the hell am I gonna watch?
Did I miss anything?!
But, but -- what would I do?
Anything! Just tell her it looks like she needs an extra hand or something.
That's stupid.
No, you're stupid. Get going! Right now! She's primed!
Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.
Please, God. Let this be it.
Holy shit.
Hey, minuteman.
How do you know that?
Yeah? Well come prom night, those excuses aren't going to do you much good.
Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!
Alright, how do you guys stand? Well, Finch, I know where you are, but you can't use that as an excuse. Jim?
My date's a flute-toting band dork. That answer your question?
Back out? You don't need <u>us</u> to get laid. You afraid or something?
Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.
No, no that's fine. So you doing okay?
What the heck is this?
Can I come in?
Yeah, sure.
You're not...busy?
Okay.
I know, Dad.
Dad! I know!
Do you know about the clitoris?
Yes dad.
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to locate.
Thank you, dad, I got it.
Jim?
Dad, please stop. Please. I'm sure I know what you're talking about.
Sure you know, son, but I think you've been having a little problem with it. It's okay, though. What you're doing is perfectly normal. It's like practice. Like when you play tennis against a wall. Some day, there'll be a partner returning the ball. You do want a partner, don't you son?
Yes.
Son. This lady's here for you.
Dad.
Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm. He's a good little kid. Er, guy. Man.
Dad!!
Hold on. You have no idea why I'm angry?
Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky when I know I have a big test to study for.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
I thought so. Because, one time? I was at this --
What was your name again?
Michelle.
Okay. Michelle, do you want to be my date for the prom?
Really? You seriously want to go with me?
Yes. Seriously.
Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards? That would be so cool.
Whatever you want.
You know, at band camp? We have dances like this. Only they're way funner. Don't you think prom is just highly overrated?
Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.
It reminds me of this one time -- Hey, can I ask you a question? How come you don't have any stories? I've got lots of stories, and you don't have any.
Oh, I've got stories, believe me. They're a little more risque than tales of Band Camp.
Are they gross or something, like guy stuff? Tell me.
That is a <u>nasty</u> story!
I told you.
Yeah, bring it on!
So, the end of the story is...you had to kiss the guy for twenty seconds?
Yes! And he was such a dork! And everyone laughed at me, but I didn't care? Because it was so funny!
Okay, I get it.
...excuse me?!
This'll do.
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both, it'll desensitize you. I don't want you coming so damn early.
Why, uh, what makes you think that I --
Are you gonna do what I think you're gonna do?
Don't you want me to?
Oh yeah! Put it in your mouth!
Illegal channels? Shit, if there's any channel that should be illegal, it's whatever that women's channel is. Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some shit.
Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night? That Ariel, whew.
She's a mermaid, dude.
Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.
She's a <u>cartoon</u>, dude.
A <u>hot</u> cartoon.
Is there anything you don't jerk off to?
You guys got the Latin homework?
Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind seeks outgoing companion." Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.
This was remade? Into what?
Who cares?
Shortstop. 'Course, you don't make it to third, and you're out.
Feels like warm apple pie, dude.
Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.
Hey guys, you came to watch me in action?
You can do that?
You've still got a chance with Nadia, right?
I still think you're okay.
There it is. I want to grab my bag. Oh, and my date.
I'll just say that we had a great night together.
Hang in there, buddy, you'll get there.
It's true. I mean, after this, everything'll be different.
After getting laid?
What's up, fellas?
Hey Sherman. Scopin' the babes.
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys. Confidence is high, repeat, confidence is high. Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.
You've got something going?
You did it.
Yes.
No...you...go...ahead.
You are very good in the world history class, yes?
Yes. No. Yes.
Okay...that would be cool sometime. How 'bout tomorrow?
Well, I do have ballet practice. Perhaps I can come by your house afterwards. I can change clothes at your place?
So you need to change, right?
James! You have come in here on purpose?!
Well...uh...
Shame on you!
Uh...yeah...sorry.
Well. You have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you. Strip.
Strip?
You mean like, <u>strip</u> strip?
Uh...
Move with the music.
No, no, you must put your whole body into it.
Nadia, I can't --
Jim...
You are done, James. Perhaps I should be going now.
Did you see this? This is your more exotic dirty magazine.
Yes...James, it is knowing that these beautiful women arouse you that arouses me...
No, not again.
I am sorry, Jim. I suppose we will not be doing any studying now.
Stifler, you're such an asshole.
SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!
God dammit, Stifler!
Ho-lee shit.
Kevin! You seen Shitbreak lately?
Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.
"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but after keeping you on the wait list for the past couple months, we've decided you are now rejected. Enclosed is a 100-page, full-color brochure on how rejected you are."
Kevin, this is serious!
Oh, Kev.
Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's time for us to take the next step in our relationship?
Tonight?
Let me know.
Vicky, wait.
I was being selfish. And majorly insensitive. And I'm a total idiot.
I think "shithead" really says it.
And I want to try to make it up to you.
Oh...ungghhhhh!
Oh Kevin -- don't stop!
You're not doing the extra credit problems.
No, I'm not. I'm writing a sequence of random numbers that look like I'm doing the extra credit problems. Mr. Bender doesn't bother to check homework past April.
That's my trick!
We've come a long way since Homecoming.
Yeah, we have. You corrupted my four- point into a three-nine-five.
Like how?
Well, I feel that...things are getting to that point in a relationship. When two people share...a special moment between them.
I think you're so right, Kevin.
You want to do it?
Kevin? Do you not love me?
No, I don't not love you. I like, I know that we've definitely got <u>something</u> between us. Something good. Something special.
But you don't love me.
Kevin...you're not your dad. The two of us, we're not your parents.
I know, Vick. I'm just not ready yet, okay?
Hey...
Did you know that it's...450 miles from Ann Arbor to Nashville?
About the other day...I've been thinking.
And I want to make things perfect for you. You're right, Kev, we do have something good...and special.
Yeah, we have something great, Vick.
Now?!
See -- this is the nicest room.
You comfortable?
Yeah, are you?
You sure you're comfortable?
Yeah. Are you sure?
Yeah.
Me too.
Okay. Did you bring a condom?
So, do you want to be -- I mean, how do you want to do it?
I don't know. How do you?
Like, normal style. The...missionary position.
Yeah Vick?
I want to hear you say it.
Victoria...I love you.
That was a great night.
I can't believe we just had our senior prom.
Yeah, the time went by so fast.
Kevin, next year...with you in Ann Arbor, and me in Nashville...it's not gonna work, is it.
Don't say that, we can do it somehow. It might not be perfect, but --
Vicky...last night...I wasn't lying.
I know. Let's go. Don't you have something to tell your friends?
What?
You called me to ask me how to get laid?
What was I gonna do, call dad? I don't even know his number.
Just dial 976-Asshole.
Yeah, well anyway...I thought you might have some advice, brother to brother. I mean, I think tonight she might, we might really, there's a chance that -- you know.
Have you ever heard of the bible?
What? Not <u>the</u> Bible?
Well, that's not really the name, but we always called it that.
Does it tell me how to get laid?
You know what, nevermind. You're not ready.
Ready for what?
Say that again, Kevin?
Try the spicy tuna hand roll.
What?! How do I do that?
Uh -- forget that. Look, is that all you're interested in? Ways to get your girlfriend into bed?
Well, no. I think...I guess it would be good to be able to return the favor. I mean, it would be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.
That's good, that's what I needed to hear. Now you qualify.
Qualify for what?
Hey. I got another question for you.
Then she said -- she loves me.
You ever hear of something called The Bible?
Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.
And little hurly-burly came by in her curly-wurly, and asked me if I needed I ri-hide --
How the hell do you know all these random songs?
Contact, dude.
Feeling better, Oz?
I'm such a loser.
I put in months of quality time with Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores? This is just wrong.
Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid.
The Sha-lin masters from east and west must unite!
So, I'm thinking prom is basically our last big chance.
Dude, prom sucks.
So does your tongue cramp up?
What reputation?
Okay, explain.
Dammit, Kevin, what's with the attitude?
Kevin, it was just a --
...Guess what?
And by the way, Sherman didn't even get laid.
I guess we'll call you two-ply.
Wow. You two really have something going, don't you?
Yeah, but we'll still see each other.
NOVA!!
You coming to party tonight, Ostreicher, ya fuckface?
Depends if my date wants to stop by.
That junior chick?
Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm working on something new.
Yeah right. I got an idea for something new. How 'bout you guys actually locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.
Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a college chick!
Bullshit. From where?
She works part-time at my dad's store.
Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at <u>her</u> store.
You actually said that?! Haaaah!!
I think you need your balls reattached.
Keep it down, dude.
What the fuck are you doing here?
You dipshit, you're expecting to score with some goody-goody choir-girl priss?
<u>Yeah</u>!
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig those cute little sweaters she wears.
Oh my fucking God. You're gay.
Come on, you know the words, sing along.
Our last game is this Saturday.
God, I can't believe there are so many cool people at this party.
Here, babe.
Really?
I don't know if I want to be doing this.
You know. If we hook up, tomorrow I'll just be some girl you go telling all your friends about.
Hanging is nice. Never goes out of style. What about hare-kare - a taste of the Orient? But no! You're in Paris! Try the Guillotine! There's one in the Louvre!
I'd use pills. They're painless.
Let's face it. It's a, how do you say... mother-fucker. But we're all in it together. That's why we're trying to help you.
Merde! Just missed!
Geez, I feel bad for him. Maybe we should've told him abou -
Look, the more you think about it, the harder it is.
Just like sex with my wife.
The key is don't look down.
Also like sex with my wife.
Tell you what, we'll jump together.
Merde! I can't believe this!
I mean, if by some miracle you can find the werewolf that bit you, and then manage to eat it's heart, the curse is lifted. I was gonna tell you but Marcel wouldn't let me.
Either way works for us...
Actually, I'm waiting for someone.
God. How can you eat like that?
Wow. You know Kung Fu or something?
Ha ha. You were probably right about his mom.
Hope I didn't hurt him too bad.
Who gives a shit? I've had it up to here with arrogant Frenchmen.
Up to there? Really? I bet I could beat that.
Ha ha! Yeah right, white boy! Ha Ha ha. I think maybe I drank too much.
Ah. The mating call of the blonde. The night is young, the moon is bright, whataya feel like doing tonight?
Ahh! Jesus! You're burning hot! What the hell -
Thanks for the lovely evening, shithead!
Face it boyfriend. This is really happening.
Okay... dead or undead... what do you want from me?
A-duh... You're a werewolf. And we, as your victims, have to walk the earth until your curse is lifted.
Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody... God, I didn't mean to... to...
Hey, you can't kick me! You're an apparition!
Ha-ha!
Oh fuck, you are his nephew...
Yeah, that's the word. And you are?
Serafine Flocquet. I work for your uncle.
Sure. I can follow that.
It's a fucking nightmare, isn't it?
Yeah. True. The cops weren't much help either. Their theory is he was moonlighting as a drug dealer or something. Make sense to you?
Police. They have their head in their asshole and they still can't find shit.
Salots! Shitfucker!
What?
You must not have known him very well. He's not like that.
Hey, Sorry if I was out of line.
You were. I have work to do. The publisher wants the transcripts by Monday. Go. Make yourself at home.
Fine. My mistake. You know, I'm gonna be a writer myself some day.
Medusa... What's this? some kind of club?
It's nothing. A stupid party. Not really a night club, it's, uh...
Like an underground club?
Yes. It's a bad place. Weird people. Strange things go on.
Professor Claude Rousel. The one your uncle was working with. He teaches cultural history.
I'm serious. There's nothing for you down there. It's dangerous.
What good can you do? Why are you being so fucking stupid?
Wait a second, are you like the Steven King of France or something...
So you came after all. Just in time, it's getting interesting.
Andy! Holy shit!
Thank God! What a relief! I thought... After you disappeared... I couldn't find you... I thought all sorts of horrible things...
What happened? Did you cut yourself?
You have to be a hero. All Americans think they are cowboys.
I was an Indian, actually. Man, that damn psycho paint...! If that's supposed to be mild, I don't want to know about medium. The planet earth. It's good to be back.
Fan-fucking-tastic?
Come on Serafine. Let's go out. Show me the real Paris, the part that isn't overpriced and overrun with German tourists.
Go to Jim Morrison's grave at Pere Lachaise. It's overrun with American tourists. I have to work.
What about food? Even beautiful women have to eat. It's true. I read it. Please? A half an hour? My treat? Pleez! Don't make go out there alone again! I'm begging you!
What about your glasses?
Don't you want to change?
Shit! You bought enough pate for a fucking army!
Like I should talk. Monsieur foot-in- the-mouth. I'm really sorry about that whole Woody Allen thing...
So's Woody Allen. No, your uncle really helped me. I was sort of messed up for a while. Wasting my time just partying and... just stupid shit. He kind of woke me up, gave me a job, got me taking classes. You know, he and Claude, their work is controversial, but they're serious about it. Totally dedicated.
That's what counts. If you're not passionate about it, don't waste your time. That's why I quit college... Plus I'm a lazy bastard. Wait, I know this... A votre sante.
This looks familiar...
Serafine...
Fixing your makeup with a phone, huh? Who the fuck are you calling?
Professor Roussel. There's something wrong with you. I know it.
Hello?
Are you okay?
No, I don't think so... I was having a nightmare. Wait a second...
Where did you go last night? What did you do?
I don't... I... I can't remember...
I'm not alright. We both know that. The only reason I'm here now is to warn you. You're still in danger. Gaston told me that Claude has got the curse too. He's a werewolf.
I know. He told me.
You two faced bastard. I knew you were full of shit.
Because, Andy. It's a cure.
Andy... I should never have let you go underground. I'm sorry...
What makes you so sure this will work?
I told you. He already tried to contact me once. If you saw his face... He was desperate to tell me something. I owe him this.
I don't know...
Listen, either he wastes away as a pathetic vegetable or he can give what's left of his life to save hundreds of potential victims. He's a McDermott. I know what his choice would be.
They're coming!
I saw him. Just before those bastards zapped him back. The ADM is in the wine cellar, in a bottle of Chateau Margaux.
I didn't know he had a wine cellar.
Are you crazy!?
What the fuck!? You too!?
I hope they fucking fry us all.
Holy mother of God...
Andy?... What? What is it? Andy... are you okay?
It was you... That night in the tunnels. You. You did this to me.
No I.... Andy, you can't be sure.
You made me go there. I tried to stop you! You wouldn't listen!
What was I? Your idea of a fuckin' hors d'oeuvre? Huh?
Here! Come on! Do it! Go ahead.
What...?
We don't both have to die.
We can't stop him. Not now. Handcuffed, with no kind of weapons. Please Andy...
I know where he'll go.
Where?
Didn't even have to ask.
No wonder he let her go.
God. I can't believe it.
What?
What does it say?
Whoa...
After the revolution, the Paris cemeteries overflowed. They dug up all the old bodies and brought them here. Seven million people. Mostly very poor.
Pretty stylish digs for a bunch of paupers.
Well, they are French.
These tunnels must loop around and connect.
Okay. Be careful.
Oh God. Shit...
Hey! You shouldn't be down there!
GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!
Okay, what the hell are you up to?
There's something down there! A bear or something! A god damn monster! Beau coup teeth! Huge, Grande, with yellow eyes, all this hair, it killed Serafine! My God...
You on drugs? Huh?
Pull over! Now!
It's you. You should be dead in that wreck with Bazin and Racine!
Shhh! Be quiet, man! We're not alone -
In Paris we have an expression for people like you: Enculé d'Americain.
Where's the ADM? Where did your uncle put it?
Man, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Bullshit! Your uncle told you!
My uncle's in a coma you moron!
Before the coma!
Saint Severin? The church? So you know all about the ADM! Where is it! Tell me! Tell me or else!
Or else what? You'll kill me?
No. But I'll kill your fucking girlfriend!
Don't be an idiot! I'm not the only one. If I die, Serafine dies!
Bullshit! You're bluffing!
Claude...?
The ADM. Let's go.
So, if you and the nutty professor are both werewolves, what do you want with drugs? You like seeing lots of pretty colors when you're tearing people's throats out?
What's the problem?
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Another step and he's dead!
You bastard! God! I should've known. You wanted the cure all for yourself!
Ha. Some wonder drug...
Nothing's happening!
You recognize her?
We know you were with her.
Oh shit... No...
That's not all... Marcel - Officer Boulard was following you.
He was a good man. Now his wife is a widow.
Merde... Wait here. When I return you tell me about last night, huh?
But... I don't remember anything, I swear...
I always wanted to do that. I saw it in a movie.
What about me?
I'm sorry my friend, I'm not signing books right now. There's been a tragedy.
It's horrible. Terrence was one of the most brilliant men I've known.
Yeah, well, why did he hang out here? The cops said it's dangerous -
Psychic awareness. Right.
You think it's silly. But do you realize that young man is actually in a deep sleep?
What?
He's on a new drug called ZBH, or "Daydream". It allows the user to be fully alert and mobile while he's dreaming. He is literally conscious and unconscious at the same time.
Andy...
Yeah?
You didn't know? But then why did you... well, don't worry. It's relatively mild.
Not you too -
You're exactly right, Andy. I enlisted both Serafine and your uncle to obtain ADM. And now I'm counting on your assistance too.
"Simon ate of the heart of the beast and his soul was cleansed." These pictures are not just myth, Andy. The scholars of the day used them to record facts and enlighten the public. This is the medieval version of a newspaper.
I don't believe we've been introduced.
Great. Later on we'll have to get together for cocktails. Right now I kinda have to hurry before I grow a lot of hair and eat people. Say this heart thing works. What's it got to do with ADM?
It's chemistry, Andy. Nothing more. Mutated antigens concentrated in the heart of the infector unlock a vaccine- like chain reaction in the infectee. There were not many bio-chemists working in the twelfth century, but with today's technology it's possible to synthesize any chemical imaginable. When I discovered this ancient cure I knew who to go to.
Uncle Terrence.
Yes. I was able to decode the old texts and give Terrence the specifications. It took a lot of trial and error, but finally he got it: Adenine Di-Methyloxide. ADM. I call it ADAM. But just before he was attacked, he hid it...
Because Gaston was after it.
Eight o'clock. Shit. You'd think my uncle would have left a clue, a note, something...
It killed him... You coulda just used Draino. It's cheaper.
All my life I've worked to unlock the power of the unconscious mind. Well this is it. This is power!
Uncle Terrence?
Andy? Andy is that you?
Andy, I have to tell you about the dream I had - or that I'm still having - it feels like a systemic, physio- tropic reaction to some drug, maybe a triptamine or phenethylamine derivative. But it is hyper-real. I'd swear my legs had been cut off or... wait a second... I'm getting a strange meta-physical buzz. Shit. I'm, uh, dead, aren't I?
Undead. Right. Sort of an ectocosmic manifestation. What a pisser. Tell you one thing though, Timothy Leary will be jealous as hell.
Great, but listen, I need to know where you hid the ADM?
The ADM! Be careful, Andy. It's very powerful. How do you know about it?
Oh shit! No! Andy, don't let them take me back there!
Where is it! Please!
Uncle Terrence, you're...
Yeah, I finally "checked out", thank God. But there's a bit of unfinished business.
Claude.
Andrew Mc-dair-mo?
He's in charge but, uh, between you and me, my English is better. This way... So you're from New York eh? I love those Hill Street Blues...
Jesus...
How well did, er, do you know him?
Not too well. He taught at the Sorbonne, right? Dad always calls him his "hippie brother". Did some work with Timothy Leary I think, and - Is he... is he going to die?
No. The doctors say the machines should keep him going a long time. But basically he is, how you say, a legume.
Legume? You mean, a vegetable?
Vegetable, right. My mistake. It seems he was attacked by a maniac, maybe two or three maniacs, just after midnight. yesterday. They fled into the tunnels beneath Paris, that's all we know...
What do you mean, maniacs?
Well, here's what I think happened. A chemistry professor goes to a bad part of town late at night. Why? Perhaps he's making a few francs on the side. The psychedelic drug market is big these days. He gets mixed up with a bad crowd and, like they say, if you lie with dogs, you get fleas.
Maybe we should go now. You must be very tired. We'll call if any new -
I can't believe this. Why don't you go down in the tunnels and find the goddamn... animals that attacked my uncle?
Yeah. I guess so. Did he say anything? Before the coma?
Just the name of this hospital, St. Severin. He repeated it a few times then he lost consciousness.
Why would he pick this one?
I don't know. There were others much closer. He was religious?
Not that I know.
I'm afraid she's not so lucky. She's undead. And so am I.
Aaaaa!!! Get the fuck away from me!
Fuck you! If I'm gonna kill myself I'll do it when I'm good and ready! You can go to hell!
Alright. Let me write a letter.
What the hell, lots of my heroes killed themselves. Hemingway, Van Gogh... um... Herve Villachaise...
Shit. I feel sick.
Don't worry. In a few seconds you won't feel a thing.
Yeah, well I don't know much about chemistry, but even if this stuff works, you better find it by midnight. Otherwise it's -
Okay. So he's weird. Maybe on drugs. Still, that's not -
I'm telling you. It's not drugs. It's something more. Someth -
Don't give me your black magic bullshit! Seven mutilations in forty eight hours and all you find is a scrawny American boy? Do you have a motive? Do you have a weapon? Or do you want me to believe he did it with his own two hands?
Enough. Cut him loose.
I can't! At midnight tonight, he will kill again. It's crazy!
Andy, stop! I think he can help you -
Andy!
Serafine? Is that you? What's going on?
Claude, it's Andy, he's acting really weird, I think something happened last night...
No, it's no cure. It's something much more interesting.
You fucking liar!
What've you got?
Just a crazy call from a girl, probably fucked up on drugs. I wouldn't bother you but you said call with anything unusual.
What did she say?
Something about a monster, underground, in the catacombs under Place Denfert.
I need two tactical assault squads at Place Denfert immediately. You can tell the commissioner it's a code red.
But Inspector, this girl, I wouldn't call her reliable.
Now!
Merde.
Here.
Well?
Okay. So maybe you were right.
Twelve thirty-six a.m. here. Twelve forty a.m. here. There's two of them. At least.
Two more nights in this lunar cycle.
You better follow that McDermott kid. He's going to wind up like his uncle if he's not careful.
Saint Severin...
You never heard the story of Saint Severin driving the werewolves from Paris?
You think that's what McDermott was raving about in the ambulance?
Why were you so late tonight
I was showing Sonya something . . .
What were you showing her?
How to read.
I thought you were told not to tutor your servants anymore.
Oh, Grandmama, why do you have to go back to Paris?
"Together in Paris"! Oh, when can we be "together in Paris?!
Hurry, Grandmama!
Are you running away?
Where is your home, Anya?
I have to go now, before it gets light.
But what if we can't ever find where we came from?!
Anya! What if <u>we</u> can't find anyone who loves us?!
Who did you hear it from?
Providing travel papers is illeagal! I know Dmitri well - perhaps I can help you. Providded you have enough money to pay for this service. . .
Well, I don't have any money . . .
I was just wondering since we already have the dress. . .
Noooo....
Is everyone all right?
We have to prepare you for an audience with Sophie.
Who's Sophie?
We're just going to refresh your memory...
Did I tell you that?
No! I look ridiculous!
Come out! I can do alterations.
You'll laugh.
I shant!
Oh, Meetoo! You look miserable! Oh, Vlad - look at him!
Yes, your highness.
Poor Meetoo!
Yes, your highness.
Fortunately, I am to be married. With your highness, permission.
Vlad, stop acting this way! You're my friend!
Ouch! That really hurt!
I'm sorry. . . I'm. . .
AND A SONG SOMEONE SINGS ONCE UPON A DECEMBER.
People say Anastasia was the only member of the Royal Family to escape alive. That makes her an orphan too
What happened to your parents?
I don't know - I don't remember anything that happened before the revolution. . .
You know, it's strange - Anastasia's grandmother, the Dowager Empress Tatiana has been looking for Anastasia since the revolution. Why do you think she wouldn't go to her own grandmother?
I don't know. I don't see what this has to do with me.
Why do you want to go to Paris?
I have my reasons.
You never thought of the possibility?
Do you always punch people first thing in the morning?
Sorry - it's a reflex. Living in an orphanage if someone bothers you - you automatically come up swinging.
By pulling my hair?!
I'm going to stretch my legs
Come on up!
Just what do you think you're doing?!
Forged papers! Now, what?!
Now just get off the train.
Come on!
You must enjoy causing me pain!
You never said anything to me about having to prove I'm a Princess!
Every Russian family has one..
...fish fork, salad fork, meat fork and. . . [THIS SECTION ALSO NOT LEDGABLE]
It's the best fork of all
What a beautiful ship!
You said you wouldn't laugh!
It's so beautiful ... and sad.
Sad?
Lost. it feels lost. This was hers?
Yeah ... well, yours. You still don't believe that you're the Princess, do you?
I know I must have had something to do with the palace - I've had little flashes of things - but being the Princess? It doesn't matter as long as I find my home.
Well, the only thing you've got when you've got a home is a fear of losing it! You're lucky you don't remember the revolution -- I never had much, but what I did have -- I lost.
I'm sorry.
Oh! I'm sorry...
Nervous?
Yes - If I can't convince Sophie, I'll never be able to see Tatiana....
I'm so scared...
Anya, wait!
Tell me it isn't true?! Tell me you didn't do this for the money!
No! Well, yes, but
I'm glad you found what you were looking for.
Dmitri?
Don't let me go!
Who are you, child?
Do you remember this?
PAR AWAY, LONG AGO GLOWING DEEP AS AN EMBER
... and that Christmas dinner, when Cook made that awful plum pudding and we hid it in our pockets so we wouldn't hurt her feelings! I do remember so much now, Grandmama, - but not everything.
Anastasia! It was just a bat! It's gone, dear...
No, it wasn't a bat! I saw this horrible man - I remember him, I think...
Don't you, child?
Oh, yes, Grandmama - I wait until I hear...
Dmitri didn't want the money?
Why does everyone have to act that way?
You'll have to become used to it, child, if you accept the crown...
"If" I accept?! Of course I'm going to accept! it's what I always wanted!
I wanted to come home, Grandmama - and I did. I came back to my home with you.
You can't go back to find your home. Your home is in your heart, in the future that you make for yourself.
And this is my future. This is who I am!
This is who you were. Exactly who you are is up to you.
I don't know who I am! I still don't know!
I've spent my whole life waiting to find you ...
What?
Oh my God! Don't do that ... feel my heart. Go ahead. I'm dying here ...
I gave you that tongue and I can rip it out!
No, I really like my tongue... we're very attached. Oyyyy... Okay, now... promise you won't get angry.
So, I'm cruisin' the rafters and... what can I say, I struck out. I thought chicks would like the fact that I can talk, you know but, I mean, the way things are going I couldn't get invited to a plague. Someone's gotta clean that up...
Get to the point sometime tonight.. I'm late for a wenching.
Trust me, it's her!
How do you know?
Hey, she's just a kid. And she's going to Paris outta sight, outta mind, outta Russia.
I cursed then all!
Do you have any idea what would happen if that broke?!
You'd lose your security deposit?
Yesss... our power is much stronger when were near. We must get close to her.
I'm getting a chest cold..
Bartok... a question.
I'm getting pneumonia. I have a fever. Feel my forehead...
Boy, don't you hate it when that happens?
Bartok ... have you ever been to Paris?
PARSE HOLDS THE KEY TO MY HEART FRENCH- BAT- CHICKS HANG OUT AT MONTMARTRE WE'LL EAT SOME IN-SECTS THEN GO BACK AND HAVE --
It's no use, Dmitri - we'll never find the right girl!
What was that?
It's her.
He's her?
She doesn't want to do anything "dishonest". . .
Hurry up with those papers.
Wake up, young lady, that's our train.
"Wake up, your highness" - we should start getting used to saying it.
You're a princess...
Well, she certainly has a mind of her own.
What do we do now?
See? The Princess is under there ...
How is our current financial status?
The "Odessa Dunk"?
We did it! We did it, my boy! We're going to see Tatiana at the ballet tonight and we're going to be rich! Rich!
But it's not the money, Vlad.
Life is funny, isn't it. You find the right girl ... and then you lose her.
What do you mean?
But this invitation came from the Empress herself! It's the social event of the decade! You can't turn it down!
So where will you go?
So. You don't want to go to the coronation, eh?
Rasputin!
What do you want?!
The same thing I wanted ten years ago - all the Romonovs dead I got the others, now I have to finish up with that nuisance, Anastasia...
You're insane! You didn't kill the Romonovs - it was the...
I'll show you!
I need to speak with the Dowager Empress ...
How much pain will you inflict on an old woman for money?!
Please, if you'd just listen...
I'm not Ulo and I won't slow down. But you will listen to me!
Anastasia's music box... She had this all these years... You could have found it...
I sent for you because I owe you a debt of gratitude larger than I can ever repay
No. Empress, you --
Empress, no! I will not take the money! I just came to tell you I was sorry...
You are the boy ...
I should go
That last night in the palace... one boy showed us kindness and courage. You were the boy who saved our lives, weren't you? Please, is there nothing I can do to repay you?
Promise me she'll have her home.
She does.
And tell me that she's happy.
Rasputin! You're alive . . .
Despite being shot, poisoned and thrown into an icy river . . . YES!
I had nothing to do with it!
You gave the orders!
I did no such thing!
May I present her Royal Highness Princess Anastasia!
Are you impressed with our Anastasia?
Oh, heavens - I must say, yes.
Then, you'll take her to see Tatiana?
Oh, heavens I must say... no, no actually, I can't - Tatiana has refused to see any more girls.
Perhaps you could convince her?
Hey, you on television?
No. Yeah, once in a while. You know, like occasionally.
What's your name?
You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter. What's the difference?
You were on... uh, the... uh, the Johnny Carson, right?
Once in a while, you know. I mean, you know, every now-
I'm... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.
Come on.
Fellas... you know-Jesus! Come on!
This guy's on television! Alvy Singer, right? Am I right?
Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break. Jesus Christ!
This guy's on television.
Can I have your autograph?
You don't want my autograph.
Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend. Make it out to Ralph.
Your girl friend's name is Ralph?
Hey!
What?
Who's on television?
Singer!
Well, you take a meeting with him, I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie. You take a meeting with him.
Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meetings.
You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle?
What is so incredibly great about New York? It's a dying city! You-you read "Death in Venice".
You didn't read "Death in Venice" till I gave it to you!
It's an important issue.
You're like New York. You're an island.
Excuse... excuse me, when do I go on?
Who are you?
Alvy... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.
Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh... you're on next.
What do you mean, next?
Uh ... I mean you're on right after this act.
No, it can't be, because he's a comic.
Yes.
So what are you telling me, you're putting on two comics in a row?
Why not?
No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.
It's okay.
No, because they're-they're laughing, so I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind, I prefer-
Will you relax, please? They're gonna love you, I know.
Yes.
that I've got to... ah... ah... They're gonna laugh at him for a couple minutes, then I gotta go out there, I gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can they laugh? They-they they're laughed out.
Allison.
Yeah? Allison what?
H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this, because it-I can't get it off my mind, Allison... it's obsessing me!
It-but it-it... doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound. So-how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? It doesn't make sense.
We've been through this.
If they-they recovered the shells from that rifle.
Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying, now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?
Well, why not?
Yeah, Earl Warren?
Hey... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.
Lyndon Johnson?
L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a politician. You know the ethics those guys have? It's like-uh, a notch underneath child molester.
Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?
Tsch.
I-I-I-I would leave out the men's- room attendant.
You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas. Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of the Panama Canal?
Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of "The Godfather."
You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.
Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech!
Okay. Please, I have a headache, all right?
Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you- you must be getting your period.
Two minutes, Alvy.
No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We- we've blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I can't go in in the middle.
In the middle? We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish.
You wanna get coffee for two hours or something? We'll go next-
Look, while we're talking we could be inside, you know that?
Hey, can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.
Alright. All right, all right, so whatta you wanna do?
I don't know now. You-you wanna go to another movie? So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis.
Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't... I-I- I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish, 'cause- 'cause I'm anal.
I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.
I missed my therapy. I overslept.
How can you possibly oversleep?
The alarm clock.
You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?
I know- because of our sexual problem, right?
Stop it, Alvy!
Oh!
I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
Boy, those guys in the French Resistance were really brave, you know? Got to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.
You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.
That movie makes me feel guilty.
Alvy, I...
What-what-what-what's the matter?
I-you know, I don't wanna.
What-what-I don't... It's not natural! We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time.
I know, well, it's just that- you know, I mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice.
It's always some kind of an excuse. It's- You know, you used to think that I was very sexy. What... When we first started going out, we had sex constantly... We're-we're probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records.
I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll pass, it's just that I'm going through a phase, that's all.
M'm.
Alvy, now don't panic. Please.
Look, I told you it was a... mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house.
Well, maybe we should just call the police. Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.
Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for God's sake.
If they're only babies, then you pick 'em up.
Don't give it to me. Don't!
Oooh! Here! Here!
Look! Look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed at night. Will you get outta here with that thing? Jesus!
Get him!
Talk to him. You speak shellfish! Hey, look... put it in the pot.
I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I can't put a live thing in hot water.
Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now he'll think- Aaaah! Okay.
Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!
Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a little dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side, you know what I mean?
Yeah. I'm gonna get my... I'm gonna get my camera.
Great! Great! Goddammit! Ooooh! These are... p-p-p-pick this lobster up. Hold it, please!
All right! All right! All right! All right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna take pictures now?
It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll be wonderful... Ooooh, lovely!
So, so-well, here's what I wanna know. W-what... Am I your first big romance?
Oh... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.
Well, then, w-who was?
Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.
He was creepy.
Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I came along.
Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!
La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever told me that I would be taking out a girl who used expressions like "la- de-da"...
Oh, that's right. That you really like those New York girls.
Well, no... not just, not only.
Hi. Hi, hi.
Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.
Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly toward the door.
You-you play... very well.
Uh... you-you wanna lift?
Oh, why-uh... y-y-you gotta car?
No, um... I was gonna take a cab.
Oh, no, I have a car.
You have a car? So... I don't understand why... if you have a car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?
I don't... I don't... Geez, I don't know, I've... I wa- This... yeah, I got this VW out there... What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift?
Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?
Me? Oh, downtown!
Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.
Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.
Uh, well, you just said you were going downtown.
So sorry.
I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live uptown, but... uh, what the hell, I mean, it'd be nice having company, you know I mean, I hate driving alone.
So, how long do you know Janet? Where do you know her from?
Oh, I'm in her acting class.
Oh - you're an actress.
I, uh... well, you're not from New York, right?
No, Chippewa Falls.
Right! Where?
Wisconsin.
Uh, you're driving a-
No, no thanks. Hey, don't-
Well, where is it? I-
No, no, no, no, you just... just watch the road. I'll get it-
For yuh.
All right.
I'll getcha a piece.
Yeah... so, listen-you drive?
Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta problem with driving.
Oh, you do?
Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but I have too much hostility.
Oh, right.
Nice car.
Huh?
You keep it nice. Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?
That's okay, you... we-we can walk to the curb from here.
Don't be funny.
You want your tennis stuff?
Huh? Oh... yeah.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well...
Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're a wonderful tennis player.
You're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life... that's including any place... the worst... Europe, United... any place... Asia.
Yeah.
Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?
Yeah, my grammy.
You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?
Yeah, I know.
Your grammy!
I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?
Jesus, my-my grammy... n-never gave gifts, you know. She-she was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Well...
Well... thank you again.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll see yuh.
Hey, well, listen... hey, you wanna come upstairs and, uh... and have a glass of wine and something? Aw, no, I mean... I mean, you don't have to, you're probably late and everything else ...
No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.
You sure?
No, I got time.
Okay.
Oh, you see an analyst?
Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.
Fifteen years?
Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.
Sylvia Plath.
M'hm...
Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic, by the college-girl mentality.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Right. Well, I don't know, I mean, uh, some of her poems seem - neat, you know.
Neat?
Neat, yeah.
Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen seventy-five, you know that "neat" went out, I would say, at the turn of the century. Who-who are-who are those photos on the wall?
Oh... oh, well, you see now now, uh, that's my dad, that's Father-and that's my... brother, Duane.
Duane?
Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.
Well, who's Sadie?
Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie... Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through Grammy's brother George. Uh, George was real sweet, you know, he had that thing. What is that thing where you, uh, where you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, you know-what is it? Uh...
Uh, narcolepsy.
Yeah, it's a great story, though, I mean, I... I... it really made my day. Hey, I think I should get outta here, you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing, you know...
Oh, really? Oh, well... uh, uh, maybe, uh, maybe, we, uh...
Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.
No, I know, but... but, you know, I'm all perspired and everything.
Well, didn't you take, uh... uh, a shower at the club?
Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower in a public place.
Why not?
'Cause I don't like to get naked in front of another man, you know-it's, uh...
Oh, I see, I see.
You know, I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender-
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess-
'cause, uh, you never know what's gonna happen.
Fifteen years, huh?
Fifteen years, yeah.
God bless.
Well, uh... You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, well... you- She hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money, but let me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah, is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh.
So, did you do shoot the photographs in there or what?
Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess- I guess you must be sorta late, huh?
You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon... otherwise I- Hey... well, are you busy Friday night?
Me? Oh, uh. No.
Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have something. Well, what about Saturday night?
Oh... nothing. Not-no, no!
Oh, you... you're very popular, I can see.
I know.
Gee, boy, what do you have? You have plague?
Well, I mean, I meet a lot of... jerks, you know-
Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.
what I mean?
think that's, uh-
But I'm thinking about getting some cats, you know, and then they... Oh, wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean oh, shoot! No, Saturday night I'm gonna- gonna sing. Yeah.
You're gonna sing? Do you sing? Well, no, it isn't No kidding? this is my first time. Oh, really? Where? I'd like to come. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No, I'm interested!
Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning sort of at club. I don't-
No, so help me.
it's my first time.
That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what that's like. Listen-
Yeah.
I was awful. I'm so ashamed! I can't sing.
Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad restless.
Whatta you mean, a tad restless? Oh, my God, I mean, they hated me.
No, they didn't. You have a wonderful voice.
No, I'm gonna quit!
No, I'm not gonna letcha. You have a great voice.
Really, do you think so, really?
Yeah!
Yeah?
It's terrific.
Hey, listen, listen.
What?
Gimme a kiss.
Really?
Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right?
Yeah.
And-and uh, there's gonna be all that tension. You know, we never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now we'll get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?
Oh, all right.
And we'll digest our food better.
Okay.
Okay?
We can digest our-
I'm gonna have a corned beef.
Yeah... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a pastrami on white bread with, uh, mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce. Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you and, uh, were you depressed about that?
Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't cure.
Oh. And your first wife was Allison?
My first... Yes, she was nice, but you know, uh, it was my fault. I was just... I was too crazy.
M'm, that was so nice. That was nice.
As Balzac said...
H'm?
"There goes another novel." Jesus, you were great.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.
No. You're a wreck.
Really. I mean it. I-I'll never play the piano again.
You're really nuts. I don't know, you really thought it was good? Tell me.
Good? I was-
No.
No, that was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.
Here, you want some?
No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any major hallucinogenics because I took a puff like five years ago at a party and
Yeah?
I tried to take my pants off over my head... ...my ear.
Oh, I don't know, I don't really. I don't do it very often, you know, just sort of, er... relaxes me at first.
M'hm. You're not gonna believe this, but-
Hey?
H'm?
I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I think, because I-I think you should read them. You know, instead of that cat book.
That's, uh... that's pretty serious stuff there.
Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm, I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death, I think. Big-
Yeah?
big subject with me, yeah.
I've a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out, you know. I-I-I feel that life is-is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
M'hm.
Those are the two categories...
M'hm.
...you know, they're- The-the horrible would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal cases, you know?
M'hm.
And blind people, crippled...
Yeah.
I don't-don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me.
M'hm.
You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's-that's all. So- so when you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's- You're very lucky... to be... ...to be miserable.
Look, look at that guy.
M'hm.
There's-there's-there's-there's Mr. When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there, you know? He's the latest! just came back from the gin-rummy farm last night. He placed third.
Look at these guys.
Yeah.
Oh, that's hilarious. They're back from Fire Island. They're... they're sort of giving it a chance-you know what I mean?
Oh! Italian, right?
Yeah, he's the Mafia. Linen Supply Business or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm serious. I just got my mustache wet.
Oh, yeah?
You see, like you and I...
You are extremely sexy.
No, I'm not.
Unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are. Because... you know what you are? You're-you're polymorphously perverse.
Well, what does-what does that mean? I don't know what that is.
Uh... uh, you're-you're exceptional in bed because you got -you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch you.
You know what I mean? Like the tip o'your nose, and if I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps... you get excited.
Come on. Yeah. You know what? You know, I like you, I really mean it. I really do like you.
You- Do you love me?
Do I love you?
That's the key question.
Yeah.
I know you've only known me a short while.
Well, I certainly... I think that's very- Yeah, yeah... yeah. Do you love me?
I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word for what...
Yeah.
I love you. You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you. I-I have to invent- Of course I love you.
Yeah.
Don't you think I do?
Whatta you mean? You're not gonna give up your own apartment, are you?
Of course.
Yeah, bu-bu-but why?
Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you, that's why.
Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.
I have a tiny apartment.
Yeah, I know it's small.
That's right, and it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
All right, granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a negative thing. You know, bugs are-are-uh, entomology is a... ...rapidly growing field.
You don't want me to live with you?
How- I don't want you to live with me? How- Whose idea was it?
Mine.
Ye-ah. Was it... It was yours actually, but, uh, I approved it immediately.
I guess you think that I talked you into something, huh?
How is it any different?
That little apartment is four hundred dollars a month, Alvy.
That place is four hundred dollars a month?
Yes, it is.
It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus, I'll-My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction, I'll pay for it.
You don't think I'm smart enough to be serious about.
Then why are you always pushing me to take those college courses like I was dumb or something?
Does this sound like a good course? Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh, or, uh-let's see now... maybe I should, uh, take "Introduction to the Novel."
Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf.
No, don't be silly. What-what do we need other people for? You know, we should-we should just turn out the lights, you know, and play hide and seek or something.
Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette, okay?
Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
Well, have you ever made love high?
Me, no. You... I-I-you know, if I have grass or alcohol or anything I get unbearably wonderful. I get too, too wonderful for words. You know, I don't-I don't know why you have to, uh, get high every time we make love.
It relaxes me.
Oh, you-you have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?
Well, what's the difference, anyway?
Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it.
Oh, come on, look who's talking. You've been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years. You should smoke some o' this. You'd be off the couch in no time.
What are you doing?
No, no, no, what... You can once, you can live without it once. Come on.
Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please. M'mrnm.
M'm, wait, I got a great idea. Hang in there for a second. I got a little-little artifact. A little erotic artifact, that-that I brought up from the city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect. I just... there... There's a little Old New Orleans... essence. Now-now we can go about our business here and we can even develop photographs if we want
Uh-uh-why?
I don't know. You- It's like you're- you're removed.
Really?
U-huh.
I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.
Let's just do it, all right?
Oh, you have my body.
Yeah, but that's not-that's no good. I want the whole thing.
Well, I need grass and so do you.
Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-
M'hm.
so if I get a laugh from a person who's high, it doesn't count. You know-'cause they're always laughin'.
Were you always funny?
Alvy, you were... Alvy, you were just great, I'm not kidding. It was- You were so neat.
C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.
Yeah. Yeah. And you know something? I think that I'm starting to get more of your references, too.
Are yuh?
Yeah.
You're so sure about it.
Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately. Thank you.
No, I don't think so. No, I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. On the contrary, I think-
Yeah.
You followed me. I can't believe it!
I didn't follow you!
You followed me!
Why? 'Cause I... was walkin' along a block behind you staring at you? That's not following!
Well, what is your definition of following?
Following is different. I was spying.
Do you realize how paranoid you are?
Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You got your arms around another guy.
That is the worst kind of paranoia.
Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying. I-I thought I'd surprise yuh. Pick you up after school.
Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? It's your phrase.
Oh, stop it. But you were having an affair with your college professor. That jerk that teaches that incredible crap course "Contemporary Crisis in Western Man"!
"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"! You're really close.
What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.
We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat.
"Neat"! There's that- What are you- twelve years old? That's one o' your Chippewa Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat."
Who cares? Who cares?
You've always had hostility toward David ever since I mentioned him!
David? You call your teacher David?
It's his name.
I'm home!
Oh, yeah? How'd it go?
Oh, it was... really weird. But she's a very nice woman.
Yeah?
And I didn't have to lie down on the couch, Alvy, she had me sitting up. So I told her about-about the-the family and about my feelings toward men and about my relationship with my brother.
M'm.
And then she mentioned penis envy... Did you know about that?
Me? I'm-I'm one of the few males who suffers from that, so, so... you know.
M'hm.
G-go on, I'm interested.
Well, she said that I was very guilty about my impulses toward marriage, and-and children.
M'hm.
And then I remembered when I was a kid how I accidentally saw my parents making love.
Tsch. Rea- All this happened in the first hour?
M'hm.
That's amazing. I-I-I... I've been goin' for fifteen years, I-you know, I don't got... nothing like that in-
Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.
You cried? I've never once cried. Fantastic...
Yeah.
I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.
In-in... Alvy, in my dream Frank Sinatra is holding his pillow across my face and I can't breathe.
Sinatra?
Yeah, and he's strangling me...
Yeah?
and I keep, you know, it's-
Well, well, sure... because he's a singer and you're a singer, you know, so it's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself. It-it makes perfect sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic... kind of insight.
She said, your name was Alvy Singer.
Whatta you mean? Me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the dream... I break Sinatra's glasses.
Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra had glasses. So whatta you saying that I-I'm suffocating you?
Oh, and God, Alvy, I did... this really terrible thing to him. Because then when he sang it was in this real high-pitched voice.
Tsch, what'd the doctor say?
Well, she said that I should probably come five times a week. And you know something? I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife?
Will it change your wife?
Will it change my life?
Yeah, but you said, "Will it change my wife"!
No, I didn't. I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.
You said, "Will it change..." Wife. Will it change...
She said, "Will it change my wife." You heard that because you were there so I'm not crazy.
Adult education is such junk! The professors are so phony. How can you do it?
A bit rapidly. I don't care what you say about David, he's a perfectly fine teacher!
David! David! I can't believe this!
And what are you doing following me around for, anyway?
I'm following you and David, if you-
What's- It's me, open up.
Oh.
Are you okay? What's the matter? Are you all right? What-
There's a spider in the bathroom.
What?
There's a big black spider in the bathroom.
That's what you got me here for at three o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a spider in the bathroom?
My God, I mean, you know how I am about insects.
Oooh.
I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around in the bathroom.
Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?
I told you a thousand times you should always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray. You never know who's gonna crawl over.
I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and a fire extinguisher.
Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine. I- 'cause I'm a little tired. You know, you, you joke with-about me, you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything. An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake. Hey, what is this? What? Did you go to a rock concert?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd you like it? Was it-was it, I mean, did it... was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...
It was just great!
What is this? What are you, since when do you read the "National Review"? What are you turning in to?
Well, I like to try to get all points of view.
It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get William F. Buckley to kill the spider?
Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock in the morning. You, uh, you got me outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more attractive when the evening began. Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you going with
Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean? I-I came over to --
I got the good chocolate, Alvy.
Yeah, where is the spider?
It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.
Is he in the bathroom?
Hey, don't squish it, and after it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay? And flush it a couple o' times.
Darling, darling, I've been killing spiders since I was thirty, okay?
Oh. What?
Very big spider.
Yeah?
Two?
Yep. I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom or something with a-
Oh, I-I left it at your house.
snow shovel or anything or something.
Okay, let me have this.
Well, what are you doing... what are you doing with-
Hey, what is this? You got black soap?
It's for my complexion.
Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show? Geez. Don't worry! I did it! I killed them both. What- what's the matter? Whatta you- whatta you sad about? You- What'd you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?
Oh, don't go, okay? Please.
Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta- whatta what's the matter? Whatta you expecting termites? What's the matter?
Oh, Jesus, really?
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh! Alvy?
Was there somebody in your room when I called you?
W-w-whatta you mean?
I mean was there another- I thought I heard a voice.
Oh, I had the radio on.
Yeah?
I'm sorry. I had the television set had the television-
Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't wanna be apart.
Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too mature for something like that.
Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
It's all right for me, it's been terrific, you know? Better than either one of my marriages. See, 'cause... 'cause there's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.
You know I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun, you know? I mean, I know it's hard and... Yeah.
I don't know.
Alvy, what about... what if we go away this weekend, and we could-
Tsch, why don't we get... why don't we get Rob, and the three of us'll drive into Brooklyn, you know, and we show you the old neighborhood.
Okay, okay. Okay.
That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think-
-me, my God, it's a great day!
Oh, look, look, there's that... that's that's my old house. That's where we used to live.
Well, I had a really good day, you know that? It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday.
Ah? Oh, well, your birthday's not till tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell yuh.
Yeah, but it's real close.
Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
Happy birthday.
What is this? Is this a... Present? Are you kidding?
Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?
Uh, yeah, uh... t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but it's-
Try it... it'll add years to our sex life.
Here's a real present.
What... huh?
Check it out.
Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? Let me see. Okay, let's... oooh, God! Oh, you knew I wanted this... God, it's terrific, God!
Yeah, I know. Just-just put on the watch, and-and... that thing, and we'll just...
You were-you were sensational. I mean, I-you know, I-I told yuh that if yuh stuck to it, you would be great, and-and, you know, I-I-you- you were sensational.
Remember, we had that thing.
What thing?
Don't you remember we-we-we discussed that thing that we were-
Thing?
yes, we had, uh...
What's... you... well, what's the matter, You w-wanna go to that party?
I don't know, I thought it might be kind of fun, you know what I mean, it'd be nice to meet some new people.
I'm just not... you know, I don't think I could take a mellow eve- 'cause I-I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot. You know, and it's-it's not good for my...
That day in Brooklyn was the last day I remember really having a great time.
Well, we never have any laughs anymore, is the problem.
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Constantly! I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have sex.
She would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's-
And... I don't know... I mean, six months ago I-I woulda done it. I woulda done it, just to please him.
I mean... I tried everything, you know, I-I-I put on soft music and my- my red light bulb, and...
But the thing is-I mean, since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings. I think you woulda been happy because... uh, uh, I really asserted myself.
The incredible thing about it is, I'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress and I'm getting screwed.
I don't know, though, I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it, so, you know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. But if I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. I don't know I-I can't win.
You know... it's getting expensive my analyst... for her analyst. She- she's making progress and I'm not making any progress. Her progress is defeating my progress.
You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
How can you say that? I mean, who said I-I-I-I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should sleep together in a threesome.
That's sick!
Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.
Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause the Incas did it, you know, and-and they-they-they were a million laughs.
...I'm thrilled. As you know, uh... uh, on my agent's advice I sold out, and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
God.
God, it's so clean out here.
Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this. I'm nauseous. If you could-if you could just give me something to get me through the next two hours, you know I-I have to go out to Burbank... and give out an award on a TV show.
Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor. Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine. They found a replacement, so they're going to tape without you.
Christ!
Yeah, this place is great.
I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
Oh, good. Okay.
It's wonderful. I mean, you know they just watch movies all day.
Yeah, and gradually you get old and die. You know it's important to make a little effort once in a while.
Don't you think his girl friend's beautiful?
Alvy, uh, let's face it. You know something, don't think our relationship is working.
Whose "Catcher in the Rye" is this?
Well, let's see now... If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine.
Oh, it sure has... You know, you wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day was gonna come.
Well, uh, Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do.
There's no-no question in my mind. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt.
Now, look, all the books on death and dying are yours and all the poetry books are mine.
This "Denial of Death". You remember this?
Oh-
God.
Remember that day?
Right. Geez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. M'mmm.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah, my analyst thinks this move is keen for me.
Yeah, and I-I tru- you know, I trust her, because my-my analyst recommended her.
Well, why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
Right. And you-and you know what the beauty part is?
What?
We can always come back together again. Because there's no-there's no problem. 'Cause... Right.
Exactly, but... exactly. Ooooh!
You know, I-I-I don't think many couples could handle this. You know, they could just break up and remain friends.
Hey, this one's mine, this button. This one, you rem-
Yeah.
You look very pretty.
Oh, no, I just lost a little weight, that's all. Well, you look nice.
You see, I-I've been thinking about it and I think that we should get married.
Oh, Alvy, come on.
Why? You wanna live out here all year? It's like living in Munchkin Land.
Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's perfectly fine out here. I mean, Tony's very nice and, uh, well, I meet people and I go to parties and- and we play tennis. I mean, that's... that's a very big step for me, you know? I mean... I'm able to enjoy people more.
So whatta you... You're not gonna come back to New York?
What's so great about New York? I mean, it's a dying city. You read "Death in Venice."
Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice" till I bought it for yuh.
That's right, that's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the titles.
That's right, 'cause it's an important issue.
Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean, your life is New York City. You're just this person. You're like this island unto yourself.
I can't enjoy anything unless I... unless everybody is. I-you know, if one guy is starving someplace, that's... you know, I-I... it puts a crimp in my evening. So wanna get married or what?
No. We're friends. I wanna remain friends.
Okay. Check, please. Can I -can I... Can I... Can I...
You're mad, aren't you?
No. Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me, I know that.
Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really just can't say that that's true. I mean, you know how wonderful you are. I mean, you know... you're the reason that I got outta my room and that I was able to sing, and-and- and, you know, get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap.
You mean that... I-I-I-I flew three thousand miles to see you.
I'm late.
If you must know, it's a hectic time for Tony. The Grammys are tonight.
The what?
The Grammys. He's got a lotta records up for awards.
You mean they give awards for that kind o' music?
Oh!
Alvy.
Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?
This is my room.
Oh, yeah? Terrific.
I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
What'd I do?
Step up here!
What'd I do?
Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds.
Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now, there was a model boy!
Yeah, two more chairs and they got a dining-room set.
Why are you so hostile?
'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on television.
I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.
Commentary.
Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.
Here you are. There's people out there.
Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen points, and now... they're ahead two points.
Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff the ball through a hoop?
Alvy, don't! You're using sex to express hostility.
"Why-why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? he said as he removed her brassiere..."
Oh, I'm sorry!
Don't get upset!
Jesus, last night it was some guy honking his car horn. I mean, the city can't close down. You know, what-whatta yuh gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the airport, too? No more flights so we can have sex?
I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York.
Well, I can't li- We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous. There's... You got crickets and it-it's quiet... there's no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, there's the screens with the dead moths behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry-
Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can- we can start again.
I can't.
What-
My head is throbbing.
Oh, you got a headache!
I have a headache.
Bad?
Oswald and ghosts.
Where are you going?
Man, that's great. That's just great.
You catch Dylan?
Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.
You have a raccoon?
Tsch, a few.
The only word for this is trans- plendid. It's trans-plendid.
I can think of another word.
He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's got millions of followers who would crawl all the way across the world just to touch the hem of his garment.
Really? It must be a tremendous hem.
I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
Are you?
Yeah.
I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look- there's God coming outta the men's room.
It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was at the Stones concert in Altamount when they killed that guy, remember?
I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish.
Oh, no, no, don't be... tsch... don't be silly. You know, I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some feeling back in my jaw now.
Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque experience.
Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.
I mean that as a compliment.
I think-I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life.
Who said that?
You know, it must need to have had its leading from one thought to another. You know what I'm talking about?
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon, I found it incredibly... indulgent. You know, he really is. He's one of the most indulgent film makers. He really is-
Key word here is "indulgent."
without getting... well, let's put it this way...
It's like Samuel Beckett, you know- I admire the technique but he doesn't... he doesn't hit me on a gut level.
Probably on their first date, right?
It's a narrow view.
I never read that. That was-that was Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual...
It's the influence of television. Yeah, now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity, you understand? A hot medium... as opposed to a...
What I wouldn't give for a large sock o' horse manure.
Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country!
I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? And- and the funny part of it is, M- Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan's... work!
Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media and Culture"! So I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan- well, have a great deal of validity.
Oh, do yuh?
Yes.
Oh.
Thank you very much. It's a pleasure.
This is a great house, really. Everything. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts. You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond. Then you know who lived here?
Charlie Chaplin.
Hey.
Uh, you guys are still-uh, you're still New Yorkers.
What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters. Look, you're a grown man, you know how to pick up a lobster.
I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.
Sixteen years ago.
Whatta you mean?
Mean?
Officer, I know what you're gonna say. I'm-I'm not a great driver, you know, I-I have some problems with- with-with-
May I see your license, please?
Don't give me your life story just pick up the license.
Pick up the license. You have to ask nicely 'cause I've had an extremely rough day. You know, my girl friend-
Just give me the license, please.
I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
You're crazy!
No, I'm not. We were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "Jew."
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on those kind o' things. You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it? Jew eat?
Ah, Max, you, uh...
Stop calling me Max.
Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
No, I don't! You know, I was in a record store. Listen to this- so I know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, Wagner- so I know what he's really tryin' to tell me very significantly Wagner.
Right, Max. California, Max.
Ah.
Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.
Forget it, Max.
We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there, Max.
No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.
Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be late for meeting Annie?
Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to the showers-
Right, right, so g-get back to what we were discussing, the failure of the country to get behind New York City is-is anti-Semitism.
Max, the city is terribly worried.
But the- I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin.
No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient out. Every time some group disagrees with you it's because of anti-Semitism.
Don't you see? The rest of the country looks upon New York like we're-we're left-wing Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers. I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I live here.
Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day, in the sun.
Yeah, watch the road!
Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.
We can show her the schoolyard.
Right. I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max, I was the best, I was all schoolyard.
Yes, I remember. He was all schoolyard. They threw him a football once, he tried to dribble it.
I have some very good memories there.
What kind of good memories, Max? Your mother and father fighting all the time.
Right-well, Santa Claus will have sunstroke.
Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.
There's no economic crime, you know, but there's-there's ritual, religious- cult murders, you know, there's wheat- germ killers out here.
Oh.
Do you realize how immoral this all is?
Max, I've got a hit series.
Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.
We do the show live in front of an audience.
Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause your jokes aren't funny.
What's the matter?
I don't know, I just got-I got very dizzy... I feel dizzy, Max.
Well, sit down.
Oh, Jesus.
You all right?
I don't know, I mean, I-
You wanna lie down?
No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt queasy all morning. I just started getting...
How about a ginger ale?
You like this house, Max?
M'hm.
I even brought a road map to get us to the bathroom.
Whee, you shoulda told me it was Tony Lacey's party.
I think he has a little thing for Annie.
Oh, no, no, that's bullshit, Max. He goes with that girl over there.
The one with the V.P.L.
V.P.L.?
Visible panty line. Max, she is gorgeous.
Yeah, she's a ten, Max, and that's great for you because you're-you're used to twos, aren't you?
There are no twos, Max.
Yeah, you're used to the kind with the- with the shopping bags walking through Central Park with the surgical masks on muttering.
M'hm.
And... uh-
And I think they just came back from Masters and Johnson.
If she comes over here, Max, my brain is going to turn into guacamole.
Oh, he-he didn't say anything.
No, no, I came out here to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis, so I... He's my-my food taster. Have you two met?
Hey, you guys are wearin' white. It must be in the stars.
Yeah. Right.
Uri Geller must be on the premises someplace.
Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max.
Twins, Max. Sixteen-year-olds. Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities?
You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the Park.
Max, are we driving through plutonium?
Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his business?!
His wife has diabetes!
You fired the cleaning woman?
She was stealing.
But she's colored.
SO?
So the colored have enough trouble.
She was going through my pocketbook!
They're persecuted enough!
All right-so we can afford it.
How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more?
Dennis-right, uh, uh... local kid probably, would meetcha in front of the movie house on Saturday night.
Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked like then.
Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the wife of an astronaut.
Look at you, you-you're such a clown.
I look pretty.
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
That was fun. I don't think California is bad at all. It's a drag coming home.
Lotta beautiful women. It was fun to flirt.
I have to face facts. I-I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work anymore.
I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. Whatta I need this?
If only I had the nerve to break up, but it would really hurt him.
We went over to the swap meet. Annie, Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.
Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir with you.
Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see the new play?
Oh, you remember her, Annie.
Now, don't let it be so long, now.
Oh, he's adorable, Annie.
You think so? Do you really?
M'mmm.
Oh.
Hi, I'm-I'm Tony Lacey.
Well, hi!
Uh, we just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your sets.
Oh, yeah, really, oh!
I though it was... very musical, and I liked it a lot.
Oh, neat... oh, that's very nice, gosh, thanks a lot.
Are you... are you recording? Or do- Are you with any label now?
No, no, no, not at all.
Oh. What about?
...of possibly working together.
Well, hey, that's, that's nice. Uh. Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? Uh... and... uh... Tony Lacey.
Uh... w-we're going back to the Pierre. We're staying at the Pierre... and we're gonna meet Jack and Angelica, and have a drink there, and... if you'd like to come, uh, we'd love to have you.
Yeah.
Oh, well, I-if it's inconvenient, eh, we can't do it now... that's fine, too. W-w-w-we'll do it another time.
Hey-
Oh.
It was a wonderful set.
Oh, gosh.
We just need about six weeks, in about six weeks we could cut a whole album.
I don't know, this is strange to me, you know.
Just... that's all you need. You can come and stay here.
Oh.
There's a whole wing in this house.
Oh yeah, stay here? U-huh.
You can have it to use. Why-why are you smiling?
Yeah.
Well, I used to live there. I used to live there for years. You know, but it's gotten-it's so dirty now.
Oh, and there's another thing about New York. See... you-you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in a long line.
Yeah.
It could be freezing, it could be raining.
Yeah.
Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.
I was a great beauty.
Uh, how did this personality come about?
I was very charming.
There were many men interested in you?
How long have you worked for the Therrians?
A long time.
So you were here when they were doing the work on the boundary fence?
Oh yes.
Did you know the contractor?
Very well.
Was it a contractor?
It's the way they do things.
Did you see permits? Did he have a license?
So who won?
A triumph. When did you get here?
Ten, fifteen minutes ago.
Why didn't you come in?
You're not upset that I brought the dog?
Would it make a difference?
Anouk isn't like a dog, really. More like a small person. So is there anyone here for me? No one looks new. Who's that?
You don't want that. It's married and it's the neighbor.
Oh I think he's cute. How's the marriage part working out?
You're fucking desperate.
Like you didn't know. Who invited the bimbo?
Jack. Did you compose that yourself?
Absolutely.
Had a little help?
Absolutely not.
It has your ring.
What's that?
Can we... one at a time? Hold it down, and one at a time. You're last, Cal.
It's going. It's going.
Isn't Skye amazing?
She's got great tits.
She's a constant surprise.
And you've only just met.
Yeah, I know... But she's only twenty seven and... The wisdom. She's an old soul. She knew that Shostakovich thing. Did you notice?
Absolutely. And she's got great tits.
Yeah, God she really does have great tits, great tits. i can't wait to work with her.
The camera loves her. A great actress.
Poor Mac. It's been a bit of a struggle. I'm sure Sally's told you.
No, what?
The movie.
Oh, she's really enjoying it. I think. Is Mac okay?
I don't know what's going on. I don't care to guess. Mac's really unhappy. She isn't there, that's all. She's no idea what she's playing, not a clue.
Who, Sally?
And, you know it isn't rocket science, this script. She can barely get the lines out. There was a scene last week - she sobbed, through every take. I know crying's easy for her but it's a fucking comedy, Joe. Something's gone. You know, that thing that was Sally - that always surprised you. It's gone. I think she's scared. And that's death.
I still think she sails above the rest. I mean not like her early films. But those were all such great directors.
Mac's a pretty great director, Joe. He's a woman's director. And nothing's happening. Course he won't fire her, because of the friendship... But it was discussed. He had to battle his studio to get her in the first place.
What?
Hey, listen, I love her. She's Sophia's best friend. I never said any of this, alright. I'll deny it on the stand... You guys are gonna have kids. That is so great. Maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe she doesn't want to do this anymore. You know adults don't do this for a living. You guys are gonna have your kids, you'll
Leo?
Any thoughts on casting yet?
Leo? It was out to Jude Law. Jude passed.
Well, I can't make any promises, and of course I haven't read the script but I loved the novel...when are you shooting?
October-ish.
I have a small window of time.
Leo. Leo's twenty-eight, Cal.
Scratch the two, write in a four.
Scratch the two, write in a four.
You've got a lot of fucking gall. Thirty nine.
She already has.
So they tell me. Not soon enough, of course. How are you, Sal? You look fantastic. It changes your life, you know. A baby. It puts everything in perspective, doesn't it. Doesn't it, Mac? You can't be the center of your own world, anymore.
Mac? Oh there you are. What are you doing, honey? No more work. Don't you feel breezy.
I'm in mourning.
You can cut around it, whatever it is. You always do.
Not this time.
You don't have any clothes on.
How nice for everybody. Come swimming. The water's glorious. You'll fix it. You'll come up with one of your brilliant ideas.
Or I won't. I can't help her. I'm out of my depth.
Things always look much worse in the morning.
I don't know how to make her funny.
You're coming swimming in the pool, and in a few minutes you won't even remember what it's about. You won't care who's in your damn movie.
What what's about?
Honey?
What a fucking day! We only just got a sitter. I don't know her from fucking Adam. She could be a serial killer. I'm going to have to call every ten minutes. You have to let me give out the number.
I'm not.
Why didn't you bring him?
What?
Why didn't you bring him?
He's allergic.
Oh.
To dander. Otis.
Oh.
Didn't I say?
Well, probably.
They can tell from the eyelashes, you know? He's got eyelashes yay long. They must be a foot long. The older you are when you have a baby, the more likely this stuff is to crop up.
It sounds hysterical, but Otis just rubbed up against me and I'd kind of like to change into something of yours. You know it could be disaster. He's so allergic. It's terrifying.
Borrow whatever you like.
I'll change back before we leave.
Whatever you like. I'm afraid it'll all be too big for you. Are you alright, Clair?
I'm fine. I'm fine. Well, I'm a little stressed. And I've been taking pills to get my weight down since the baby.
I'd say it was down.
And the doctor said they might make me a little jumpy. I've got a ghastly headache, actually.
You want a Tylenol, or something?
I'd love a Xanex. Sally, please don't tell Sophia that I'm not breast feeding.
Why would she care?
You know Sophia. She's so damned judgemental. And she's so damned... perfect. And so fucking... serene. Just fucking don't tell her. Because you know Mac thinks she's God. And I can feel him comparing.
You need to knock off the pills, Clair.
Just don't fucking tell her.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You look so well, Clair. A wraith.
You think so!? I've been working out a lot since the baby. And I've been working. And that takes it's toll, you know.
I'm glad that's all over for me.
Don't you miss it?
Never.
Really.
Not for a second. Cal can have all that.
Really?
So where is young Jonah?
What is that thing?
So this sitter can always reach me. I'm still not used to leaving him.
You should have brought him.
Dander. He's allergic. Otis.
Oh. Do you have any pictures?
Pictures. They're always in my tote. I left my tote in the damn trailer. But! He's Mac all over again. Imagine Mac shrunk to two-and-a-half feet. The fact is they probably didn't even need me for this birth.
Are you the funniest person I know, or what?
Let's get the kids.
Thanks for coming.
Would you leave us alone right now?
He's gonna miss his flight.
Is he not going? I booked a flight.
He's not going tonight.
I told his father he'd be on that flight.
Well you could tell him otherwise. It was good of you to be all this help. But he doesn't want to go tonight.
Jesus, Sally. I'm not the enemy.
And you're not the wife.
It's not a contest.
Take good care of it.
I'm the hired help.
Fuck you.
I never put myself in harm's way.
Anymore.
That for us?
What a nose. You missed your calling.
Can I open it?
Sally?
Directing suits you.
I'm not so sure. Look again in three months.
It must be nice having so many strangers kiss your ass all of a sudden.
Ow! Gina, you obviously need to get fucked.
Just did. Jealous?
When does he graduate high school?
I saw Lucy when I was in London, she seems okay. It's hard to tell with her.
Shit, I forgot to call her back. She's off on a trip somewhere. Oh God, my grandad's flat in London's been sold.
In Cheyene Walk? Lucy's going to have a meltdown. Oh, I'm so sorry.
I should have damn well bought it. Well, we can't afford it. The movie's going to eat up a year of my life and I'm getting paid next to nothing. Do you know how much Skye Davidson's getting? Four million.
Yeah, but I hear she gives a mean blow job.
Escape hatch.
So?
What is it?
The suspense is killing me.
Harry called.
And?
Lucy overdosed.
But she's alright.
Stupid tart.
She left a note.
You need to call your dad.
Leave us alone right now.
Let me. I'm Jeffrey.
Monica.
And you know our friends, how?
We live next door.
Oh. You're them.
Excuse me?
We've heard lots about you.
I know we're early, we're so early. Sorry.
Cal, my wife Judy.
Time. Hey! Time. Judy! Time you guys. Hey!!
Ya Vhol. What are you, a fucking Nazi?
There's a test, you know.
Are you my big brave boy? Are you my brave hero?
You're crazy baby. I love you.
Are you my big hard hero?
Do you want me to save you? Do you want me to save you?
Oh yeah...
Oh yeah... I'm gonna save you.
Oh yeah?
Let me heal you, baby.
I call that a perfect day.
A perfect night.
Damn near. And a damn near perfect drug.
Hm. We should do it again.
Just every once in a blue moon, you know.
Hm. You think we should ask them for their landscaper?
Hm. Do you like fucking out of doors?
Not as a rule.
Go.
Hey! Would you?
It was fifteen seconds.
I don't think so.
He's okay, Clair. You wanna give him a little room?
I'm fine, babe.
Give him a minute, Clair.
Hey. Thanks, buddy.
Anytime, sport.
I'm fine, babe. I'm gonna take a little walk. I need a minute. Let's forget it. My life didn't pass in front of my eyes. So, it probably wasn't that close.
Probably not.
We closed.
Joe officially owns No. 4, Cheyenne Walk, Chelsea, London, England. No small doing.
I suppose. Sally, that's quite a gift. I'm not sure it's in your best interest.
I adore him.
The realtor'll be here tomorrow in the morning. The house had to go on the market to insure the loan on the London flat.
I know. I know that. Don't spoil it.
What you earn has to double in order to cover expenses in London, it's an outrageously expensive city.
We've only been over this how many times?
You only made half your quote this year.
Well, you're a tower of support.
I worry because you don't. It's my job. I'm feeling guilty. I would've liked it if you waited until the two of you were on more solid ground.
We couldn't be on more solid ground.
Not millions.
He's directing now.
He gets huge advances on his novels. He's going back to that. You know how he hates it here.
There's still time to undo this.
We'll be fine.
Did you invite them?
The Roses? And of course they said yes.
That was the plan. And you're thrilled to have them.
Whatever you say.
Did you tell Joe to behave?
Yes.
Did he promise?
Scout's honor.
You're out of your mind.
Just do what I say, alright?
How much bowing and scraping do you want us to do?
Take your time, Jer.
What was it? What the fuck was it?
Ryan's novel.
No luck.
Happy anniversary, baby.
I love you. Most beautiful woman in the world.
Hardly...
Accept a compliment.
What did you get me?
Kiss the back of my knees.
Through the sweats or not?
What?
No. Did you?
No. I missed that.
I missed all of you. We're okay, aren't we?
We're great.
I mean, you're really back.
Don't get it.
Well, it might be Clair. They're threatening not to come...
What?
They can't find a sitter... Hello? Excuse me? Yes, uh, hold on. Just a moment. It's Skye Davidson. She needs directions to the house. You invited Skye fucking Davidson to our anniversary party?
Okay. I'm sorry, look, I meant to tell you. It was the only chance I had to meet her.
You invited her to our anniversary party? I didn't even invite my mother.
She goes on location tomorrow. Sally, I'm sorry. Look, I can't keep her on hold.
No, no of course not. It's Skye fucking Davidson, for fuck's sake.
You want me to uninvite her?
And she's a stinking fucking actress, for fuck's sake.
I'm looking forward to meeting you, too. And Skye, I'm thrilled that you're willing to take this leap with me. Eternally grateful, really.
I'm going to throw up.
I can't imagine anyone else playing Genna.
Promise you'll be nice to the neighbors.
Of course we do. We have to sign our taxes.
Otis! No barking!
In the kitchen.
Yes.
Well, not yet. The gate was open?
Two minutes.
Still champions.
It's an unfair advantage.
You've got Cal. You've got Gina. You've got Skye? We're the leftovers.
Okay, knock it off.
Truce?
Truce.
Dinner. Don't be angry.
Not properly watered.
Dolphins. Great.
I think we should all take it tonight. Everyone's staying, stays. No driving. That's the rule. I love you Sally-Mae. You're going to have a fabulous time.
Someone left the goddamn gate open. Otis got out. Skye and I, well the... I came out of the house and the fucking gate was wide open.
Don't be so sure.
Listen to yourself... Don't worry, it's alright. We'll find him. What's wrong with you?
She left the fucking gate open.
Well he can't have gone far.
Can't have gone far? He's like a greyhound. He could be miles away.
He'll find his way back.
There are fucking coyotes out there.
Fuck you.
Otis!!!!
Otis!!!!
Otis, good boy, come here. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
This is a nightmare. We should have kept him upstairs.
It was done. When Sophia put the kids to bed, America brought Otis in the room and closed the door. It was done.
Well someone clearly let him out before Monica opened the gate.
Oh fuck you, and fuck Monica while you're at it. But I guess that's what I interrupted.
Jesus, Sally. You are a medical miracle. The only person who's ever taken ecstacy and become angrier.
Yeah, let's talk about that. You seem to be rather an expert. I don't remember in the last five months of counselling your ever mentioning ecstacy or going to rage parties.
Rave parties?! That's so typical - you would think it was called rage. Perfect!
What else don't I know about, Joe? Let's get really clear here.
Sally, so I took a few pills. I went out dancing. I tried to forget how upset I was about splitting up with you. I haven't lied to you. I told you about the people I've slept with. I just didn't mention the few occasions I took drugs because you're so fucking judgmental I knew I'd never hear the end of it, and you
Otis! Come! Good boy! Come!
Otis!
I'm not sure we understand that word in the same way.
Love?
You walked out on a five year marriage.
That hasn't the first fucking thing to do with love. It's whether we can live together... like this! All the time.
It's not like this all the time.
DO I want anyone else? No. Do I want to be with you for the rest of my natural life? I'm trying.
And how hard it hit?
Just stop right there, Sally. We've been through this.
You've been through it. That's how you love people. When it's easy for you, when it's convenient for you.
Sally, first of all, you're talking bullshit. And second...
You want to talk about bullshit? Lucy called you three times this week. She's a fucking mess, Joe. Your sister is a fucking mess. She needs you. I talk to her more than you do.
That is not true.
It is true. You know how you love, Joe? You dedicate a book to someone.
Every novel I've had published in every language I've dedicated to Lucy.
And how fucking dare you cast Skye Davidson in that part? Have you any idea how humiliating that is for me? I'm an actress! It's about our marriage for fuck's sake. Everybody knows that...
It's a novel.
About me!
Who the fuck do you think you are? The part of Genna is not just about you. It's about every woman I've ever loved in my entire life. Including my mother. The character is also clearly in her early twenties, Sally.
What are you saying?
Hello? Last birthday was?
I don't look my age, Joe.
Sally, I have never considered you for this part because you are too old to play it. And you are out of touch with reality if you think differently.
It's a shit novel anyway.
Well there you go. I let you off the hook. You're one goddamn lucky actress.
Not really. I mean your books have always been pop, but this is the shallowest of the bunch. That's what all our friends think, anyway.
Okay. If we could've, by some miracle, stripped ten years off your face, still couldn't have got the thing made. Because I don't mean anything as a director, and your name doesn't mean fuck all anymore. And the people that can hire you are afraid to, because they think you're phoning it in. That you don't have... Oh Christ, Sally.
Who? Who? Who thinks that?
Your director and your co-star of your current movie. Don't dish if you can't take it, Sally.
Cal, too?
Sally, for Christ's sake.
Anyone else?
This is insanity. Sally...
Don't.
Don't push me away.
I had an abortion two weeks ago.
Don't do this.
I found out I was pregnant and it scared the shit out of me.
Don't do this!
I told you when we met I never wanted children. I don't want kids in my life. We talked about it. You weren't listening.
You changed your mind.
You think this was to hurt you?! My God, Joe. It isn't about you.
What?! You aborted our child?!
I'm a monster. Exactly.
You're not ready.
Don't make allowances. I'll never be ready. Some people just shouldn't have children. I'd be a terrible fucking mother, Joe. I did want it for us. But I couldn't do it. I don't really think I can do it.
I wasn't part of that picture at all, was I? I wasn't part of that decision. Did I occur to you at all? It's a fucking farce. It's a fucking farce. How long did you think you could keep it going. You're amazing. Do you have any idea what you've done to us?
Yes.
I'll never forgive you.
I know.
Alright, good. Thanks for your trouble. So will you leave Sally and me alone right now?
I can't got tonight. I don't want to be on a plane on my own tonight.
I'll be with you.
I don't want to go tonight.
No.
Okay.
Pretty much a disaster, tonight, wasn't it?
I guess.
Life gets messy. Ugly messy. But I don't understand you. And I don't think I ever understood Lucy. I don't understand throwing it away. How do you throw all that away? Any of it. I want it all. You guys want guarantees? I want the possibilities. And all kinds of crap comes with that. A lot of bad shit. And I think that's okay
Me too.
That's under lock and key.
Happy anniversary.
It's a Calder.
I know.
He's my favorite.
I know. It's for the baby's crib.
They're the keys to your grandad's flat. Happy anniversary, baby.
I know.
Will you make love with me?
Panes! How are you?
Oh, you know, I am.
Has she called?
What's a sign for that?
Coffee?
Sure.
We have a gift?
Thanks, I'll take that. Champagne?
I love gifts. What did you guys get us?
Nothing that can't be exchanged.
Oh. Well. Good.
Congratulations on the deal. How exciting. Is Sally doing Sally? I mean it's Sally. The character that's based on Sally. The character that's based on Sally in the book.
The novel. No, Skye Davidson is playing the lead.
Oh my God, I'm a huge Skye Davidson fan. She's very beautiful.
Yes, she is.
But I am right, yes? She's based on Sally.
It's a novel.
Still. Well. Let's drop it.
Yes.
I'm not much of a reader, but I do love autobiographies, even biographies sometimes. Mostly non-fiction. Did you read the new Styron?
No.
It's very good. I understand you won the Booker Prize.
Yes I did.
Is your script much like the novel? Jerry says it's very good. But you know, you read the novel, and then you see the movie - and most of the time you say, "what's this?" You know? I sometimes think we're better off not reading the novel at all. Because, we come with expectations... and of course, we know where we're going. Don't you
Don't I find what?
I don't know why Joe, we've known each other how long...
Not long.
Don't be silly.
Joking.
Yes I know. I started to say... I started to say Joe that --
Do I put you off?
You manage to throw me off balance. I adore you.
And I you.
But I'm always afraid I'll say something stupid.
Ah.
And so I always manage to, do you see? Like the book/script thing, do you see?
The infamous dog?
He's the best dog in the world. They're both coming tonight. Not my idea.
Ours.
You lose this?
You got your DP?
What? Oh yeah, the camera man? They gave me a list.
And you got Skye Davidson. Pretty big leagues for a first timer. Do you even like movies?
Not particularly. Weird, isn't it? God I'm rally up. Do you feel anything yet, Mac?
Kind of. Hey, look - John Seale, Oliver Stapelton, Darius Khonji - they're friends. And great DP's I could give them a call for you.
Thanks, Mac. And thanks for being so supportive about all this. I really love you, you know.
Hey, I'm happy for you, buddy. Anything I can do.
Well, you know...good days, bad days.
I meant Sally.
I meant Sally.
Oh. You're serious.
No. No. Let me tell you something. Directing's the best preparation possible for fatherhood. The sleep depravation alone.
Please, Ryan.
Something soft.
Your Eames table is incredible. And the B&B. I just put that in a client's home, actually, but in red.
You're an interior decorator, right?
Sally did all this herself?
In fits and starts -- and then, later, of course, she had to accommodate me. So things shifted a little bit then, became more eclectic. And it keeps changing.
Mmm. It says something about the two of you maybe.
Yeah, we're in a constant state of flux. I see you've moved up from the soft stuff.
Oh, yes. You know Ryan's been sober eight years. And it's difficult if I... you know. It's better if I don't.
Uh-huh.
I'm a little nervous, so...
Oh.
A little out of my element.
No you're not.
Well, yes. Yes, in fact. A little on the outside, yes. And there's been all this friction.
Hm.
I don't know why, but these misunderstandings have a way of escalating.
Very well put.
I think a lot of this could have been avoided if Sally made more of an effort.
What?
But you're very private people. You know, there's a kind of elitism...
Elitism?
The wrong word, maybe. Delete that. And, you know, the dog barks incessantly.
And you know, he really does not.
And Ryan works at home.
Oh shit. I'm sorry.
Well, that's what Ryan thought. I was more generous, actually.
Easy tiger.
Alright. Please don't tell Ryan I'm drinking.
Scout's honor.
Would you sign it for me. I'm sure this is inappropriate.
I need to leave you now.
I will treasure this.
Are you okay?
I don't think so. I feel. I feel a bit funny.
I've never done this before.
Oh? It's easy. You just put one foot in front of the other... That's a good girl.
I'm a little in the puke zone.
Here, drink this. Drink lots of water. Hold on to this. Take deep breaths. Nice and slow. Would you like a lolly?
What am I, five?
You're never too old for a lolly. I'm having one.
Lemon or raspberry?
Lemon.
Ryan's really angry with me.
I think he's really angry with me too.
It's really not the same thing. He was really nicer when he drank.
I'm sorry.
Eight years, though. That's quite an accomplishment.
That's a lot of those.
Medallions.
A lot of cakes.
Yes.
And he doesn't smoke?
He has to find non-smoker's meetings that used to be almost impossible, you know? It's gotten much better.
How long have you been married?
Nine...nine, yes? Nine years, just about.
You must have been a baby.
Oh yes. Nineteen...just. I'm cold.
That's very nice.
I like you.
I'm so glad. You know, I recognize that passage in your book. The bit about us running into each other in the movie theatre.
Sorry?
I know you changed it to a bookstore. And the color of my hair. But the moment was exactly the same. The same, you know, dynamic. And almost verbatim, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was. For a writer nothing's sacred. No, nothing at all.
Stop being such a bitch, Sal.
I'm so sorry.
How do you do, Skye?
Oh, I love that. I'm just great. I'm so happy to be here. And I apologize for invading you. And I'm so happy you asked me to. I'm so touched. I know how private you and Sally are.
Yeah, well, it's just us and a few hundred of our closest friends.
When I read your work I felt that you knew me. Women must tell you that. And this one in particular speaks to me, do you know? I am Genna. How many women must tell you that. And the script is wonderful. Wonderful and lean and visual...
I'm so happy you like it. I'm so relieved you said yes, and I'm really, um, what, thrilled, yes actually, to finally meet you.
I think there are sixteen there.
Of course it's alright.
What?
I didn't say a word.
I was faking it. I've been feeling caged for sometime. Funny, huh?
Jesus Christ.
How's he doing?
Ryan.
Well, yes, actually.
I love it here. Don't you love it here, Ryan? I love it here. And I love tonight. And I love these people. And this feels utterly fantastic, Ryan. Utterly fantastic.
You know what Sally Therrian was saying about your spine and your brain? She didn't pull that out of thin air. It causes brain damage. You'd better drink a lot of water.
Do you want to go home, Ryan?
Yes.
I think you should then. You should look in on Sheila.
I'm not going to leave you alone.
They're really nice people, Ryan. They're like us...
They're nothing like us.
Are you making an ass of yourself?
There's only you, Ryan. You know what, Ryan? You're beautiful. I love you so much... You need...
I don't need a drug.
Ready to go?
Ryan, you've got to come! You've got to help me find the dog! I let their dog out. We need to find the dog.
You're not serious.
I left the gate open and Otis got out! He could get hit by a car!
God willing.
We have to find the dog, Ryan.
Why?
Because we're nice people, and because what goes around comes around. Because, God help you if something happens to that dog?
Excuse me?
Jesus Christ, it's a fucking dog!
Don't go in, Ryan.
What?
Hi. Monica and Ryan?
Sally?
We could hardly say no.
Ryan!
Hors d'oeuvres or something?
Yes, great! It's a beautiful house.
Thank you. I understand you're an interior decorator.
Yes.
I so wish I'd known.
Well, whoever did this is amazing.
I'm sorry.
There's a goddamn sign on the gate.
I'm so sorry.
You fucking cow, can't you read?!
I...
Come on in.
And I'm overwhelmed. And I want to do it justice. And I hope we can spend time together. And I'm gushing. It's my worst quality.
Not at all.
Oh my god. I've been so rude. I'm Skye Davidson. Has anyone ever told you, you look like Peter Sellers?
Is there space here?
Yes.
Do you need anything else?
I was impressed.
Oh?
The charades.
Thank you.
That was my clue.
Oh?
The Shostakovich.
Really??
Otis!! Shostakovich identified with the Jew. He felt persecuted, hunted, crushed under the thumb of Stalinist imperialism.
Not to mention Andrew Zhdanov... Otis, come!!
Andre Zhdanov? How the hell do you know about Andre Zhdanov?
Who doesn't know about the infamous composer's conference of 1948 where Zhdanov persecuted the leaders of Soviet Music - Shostakovich, Prokofieve, and Myaskovsky.
I'll tell you who doesn't know, cute girls don't know.
Do Peter Sellers again.
Otis you crazy dog! Otis are you in this God forsaken Canyon? My people are very hungry.
I just did a movie about Bob Yar, I played Gittle, the Jewish milkmaid who gets shot in the head, and they used Shostakovich's 13th Symphony.
Set to the poem of Yetveshenko!
Exactly! So I dug it, and I did a lot of research.
Do you really, you really, like Shostakovich?
Yeah.
Would you, like, marry him?
If he were still alive, maybe.
How about someone who really really liked Shostakovich?
Are you asking me to marry you?
No, I'm just testing to see how deeply perverted and impulsive you are.
Very.
Oh good, I'm worse... Are you really twenty-two?
Good, you brought your violin. I want you to play.
It's a machine gun. I thought I'd kill myself.
Are you lovesick?
Suicidal. It's much less codependent.
Will champagne help?
Panes is here!
She's even better looking in the flesh.
Oh, Jesus, Panes. I can't, I can't believe that bitch is in my house.
You don't know she's a bitch.
She's all over him, are you blind?
It could be worse.
How?
She could be playing the role in Joe's movie that should be yours.
Fuck you, Panes.
You see, that's worse.
I just wanted tonight to be with the people we love.
Like your business managers?
They're not just our business managers, Panes.
Oh, okay, forgive me. Your neighbors are here, for fuck's sake.
Exactly what I mean. It's all ruined.
It's not ruined, for fuck's sake. It's one of your parties.
I don't want it to be just one of our parties.
"How are you really doing, Panes?" "Lousy, thank you, I'm falling apart."
Like the last time.
No. No, not like the last time. She was the rest of my life.
Like the last time.
I wasn't finished.
Okay.
"We can't stand seeing you like this, Panes. I hate you being alone. Why don't you stay with us for a while?" "I'd love to, thanks."
It's our anniversary, Panes.
I didn't hear me say tonight.
We're just feeling our way back.
"Otherwise, we'd insist on your being here."
Everyday.
Shit!
I'd cut off her red wine if I were you.
Shit. It's my Galiano.
What does that mean?
So how are you really doing, Panes?
Why don't you go fuck yourself?
No. Really. For real. Really.
I'm worried about your Galiano.
You're a shit.
How's the movie going? Your movie. You are making a movie, aren't you?
Yes. Fine.
That's it? Yes. Fine?
I don't want to talk about it.
Why not?
I never like to talk about my work.
Alright. Well, that's something new.
No. Not something new.
Well, something's wrong.
Nothing's wrong. It's great, okay? Having the time of my life. Mac's a fantastic director. And what can anyone say about Cal that hasn't been said. And it's great working with friends, blah blah blah.
Um. Happy for you.
Thanks.
So tell me, how's it going?
Oh you know. No doubts. No second thoughts. Am I a monster?
You're my best friend.
That's not an answer, is it?
Thank you, Panes.
You don't need to thank me.
We're going to have to go back out there.
Panes?
What did I do?
Yes.
Thank you. This was so unnecessary. I hope you've noticed that Otis isn't barking as much. We keep him in at night.
At 4:30 today he barked for a solid fifteen minutes. I have it on tape.
You're keeping a record, are you?
Well the neighborhood is full of dogs, and it's not always Otis.
Monica and Ryan.
I didn't know you had this.
Oh. Well, yes. It's extraordinary. You think you could sign it for us?
Oh my God, sorry. I'm interrupting.
I don't think I ever spent half a day in the Beverly Center.
Happy anniversary. Thank you for making me a part of it.
You don't need to do that.
I don't mind...
Enough about me.
Oh my God! America told me your neighbors are coming?
And here they are!
He's a novelist.
Ah.
Like Joe.
Hmm. Where are my kids?
In the guest room. I've laid out a paint table for them.
I hope they're watercolors!
Nevermind.
Isn't this a fabulous picture?
Yes.
She's such a great photographer.
Hm.
So where should I put it?
I thought it was okay where it was.
It's much more personal in here.
A notch above the storage room.
We're always in here. She really gets him, doesn't she?
The both of you.
But she really gets to the heart of Joe, doesn't she? She's a genius.
So how much do you hate her?
Well, I don't trust her. I never have.
She took our wedding photos, for chrissakes. You don't trust anyone.
I trust you.
Oh Soph...
You'll hate it in London. It's wet and miserable. A medical hellhole Sally. It's socialized. Beds in the corridors. Terrible plumbing.
And the food sucks, I know.
You are not having your baby in London. You're going to have your baby at Cedars in Beverly Hills, America, delivered by Dr. Milton Cohen. Period. And you're getting that epidural right away, don't let anyone talk you into any of that Lamase bullshit. There's no excuse for pain like that.
Sophia! I'm not even pregnant!
Well good. Thank God.
Let's go in the kitchen and spy on everyone.
What do you mean, thank God?
Well, are you sure about this baby thing? It's not the ticking clock shit, is it?
No, no, not at all... I mean I've still got plenty of time. Don't I? I mean I still have a good six years, whatever. We could have three kids yet, if we wanted. And I know I've always said I never wanted kids, and I didn't... but this year, I really, truly, feel ready...
Honey, I'm not worried about you. You are going to be a fantastic mom. Not an issue. I pressed you, remember? Joe, on the other hand, is a different story.
Oh Soph, Joe loves kids. Joe wants kids. Joe thinks he needs kids.
He wants playmates. Oh he's a sweetheart, Sal, you know I love him. But he's not going to be a good father. He's just not parenting material.
Don't try and change the subject. Oh God, it feels great! He's just a little narcissistic, irresponsible and unreliable.
And Cal's this massive adult?
Cal knows who he is. Did you notice how happy Joe was when the drugs came out tonight?
You weren't exactly horrified.
I don't have a drug problem.
Neither does Joe.
You don't have kids to keep a marriage together, Sally. It's only five months since Joe came back.
We're fine. We're great. We're having a baby and we're moving to London.
Well, you weren't fine last summer when you went Sylvia Plath on me in Connecticut.
Not nice. Not kind.
Ha! Not half so not kind as your husband was in his portrayal of you in his novel.
Why are you doing this?
His image of you is a possessive, fragile neurotic.
But I am a possessive, fragile neurotic.
Sorry Azteca. Here you go, fellas! Fresh dirt! Alley oop! Shouldn't we be wearing gloves? I mean this dirt is very...dirty. Doesn't anyone think of hygiene? Boy am I hungry. I'm so hungry I'm seeing double. It looks like there's <u>two</u> million ants in here. When's lunch? Tomorrow, or the day after?
Z, old pal... SHUT UP!!! It's bad enough there's a food shortage without you complaining about it every day.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
No, Z. The squeaky wheel gets <u>thrown</u> <u>away</u>, alright? You're a good ant, Z, even though you are a pain in my rear- segment. I don't wanna see anything happen to you. So quit mouthing off, before you get in trouble.
Break's over.
This colony needs another tunnel like a hole in the ground. Why are we even digging this thing?
Hey, slow it down, big boy. You're making the rest of us look bad...How come I haven't seen you around here before?
I'm new...I was born yesterday.
Tell me about it.
Nobody told me digging was so much fun! You pick up the dirt, you move it, you pick it up again, you move it again -- lots of repetitions, you exercise the forceps, and the pincers --
I don't know what came over me, talking back like that. I must be going crazy...
Sorry I got you in trouble. But listen, you can share my rations.
Are you asking me out to dinner?
No -- I mean yes -- I mean -- if you don't have other plans.
Wait a minute, that's no soldier -- that's Z!
You know, you're not just workers -- you can be whatever you want to be! Look at Z! He started as a worker -- then he became a soldier!
Well, because he's more than a worker...he's a...what did he call it, Azteca...
Invisible!
Someone who follows his heart!
General -- we have to talk sometime!
So, um...how was your day? What did you do?
Well... I declared war!
He's...he's dead. You don't have to look for him anymore. He was eaten by a praying mantis.
It's a shame he died prematurely...I was hoping to kill him myself.
Well you'll never be able to hurt him where he is now. I miss him already.
You miss him? <u>Why</u>?
What a bunch of losers. Mindless zombies capitulating to an oppressive system --
So uh -- how come I haven't seen you around here before?
I work in the palace, I don't get out much.
The palace, hunh? I bet those royals really live it up. Of course they're all a little, you know, from inbreeding --
Are you sure this is a real dance?
Well, actually, uh -- I'm sort of making it up --
Really?
Why should everyone dance the same way? It's as exciting as watching fungus grow.
You're right!
You -- you think I'm right?
You watch yours, soldier, or my worker friend will beat you up!
Oh, that's okay, I'll let him off this time. Are you crazy? This guy's built like a pebble! You know they do great prosthetic antennas nowadays --
Uh oh. Goodbye! Gotta run!
Wait! When can I see you again?
You're the hero of the recent termite campaign, aren't you?
And you are...?
I'm Princess Bala.
Ah, yes. Well, charmed, I'm sure. So, Princess, have you ever danced with a hero?
Yes.
No, General. I'm dancing with the war hero.
You dance...
Divinely?
He was a worker. I danced with him at a <u>worker's bar</u> just the other day. I'm not shocking you, am I?
No...as a matter of fact...
Gee, uh, could you say it a little louder, I think there are some ants in the next colony who didn't hear you.
I CAN'T DANCE WITH A WORKER!
That's not what you said the <u>other</u> <u>night</u> --
Quiet -- sshhh!!
-- At the <u>worker bar</u>! You were pretty hot to trot then!
What <u>was</u> that thing?
How should <u>I know</u>?
I order you to find out where we are!
Excuse me, I -- Pardon me -- And they call them social insects.
I've been kidnapped by the village idiot.
Who's the bigger idiot -- the idiot who gets kidnapped, or the idiot who lets herself get kidnapped by the idiot?
Theoretically, yes. But is the monarchical hierarchy applicable without the underlying social structure to support it?
Of course! It defines society! To deny the precept is to say that order is an arbitrary distinction applied by the society itself!
But can there be a society composed of just two ants?
No! There's no such thing as "just two ants." You never see just two ants -- you see a million ants!
I -- <u>hate</u> -- you.
Well I guess that makes us even.
Ha! Don't make me laugh. You're crazy about me! That's why you lied and cheated to get near me!
Oh come on, <u>you're</u> the one who came after me -- the swarthy, earthy, sensual worker!
I was <u>slumming it</u>! I danced with you because you were the most pathetic specimen in the place!
Is that the same standard you used to choose General Formica?
Now, worker, you shall take me back to the colony, and have your head cut off and stuck on a sharp pole!
Well, that's an appealing offer, but...considering the options... You go back. Me, I'm going to Insectopia.
<u>Insectopia</u>? You stupid worker, that's just a fairy tale!
Yeah, well I have it on a reliable source... that it exists. Now you follow the yellow egg... <u>That</u> direction.
Worker! Come back here now!
I've got a <u>name</u>. It's <u>Z</u>.
Water...water...
Water...water -- oh, you already said that.
My skin's dry, my exoskeleton is cracking...I wish I'd never met you, you ruined my life.
We're going to die!
Why didn't I listen to my mother ...why'd I have to go looking for trouble? Any ant would have given their left legs to be in my position...what's <u>wrong</u> with me?
Want a list?
This lake is huge! And so close to the colony! Think of the vacation potential!
Cut me down a soft leaf so I can take a nap.
Out here I'm just what?
Hlllllllp!
Princess, has it ever occurred to you that they're <u>not going to rescue you</u>?
General Formica won't let me die out here. I'm his fiancee.
Look. How many other Princesses are there?
Five thousand three hundred and ninety -- no. About five thousand four hundred by now.
And only you can become a Queen?
Well...no, but --
So what makes you so special?
Face it, Z, we're lost! We must have walked halfway across the world by now! How did I get into this mess...
Come on...tell me there wasn't just a little...something between us that first night at the bar. The night we danced.
We've found it! <u>Insectopia</u>! Look at all this food'
You were right...you were right! Z, it's <u>beautiful</u>!
Z...if we don't make it...I just want you to know....
Yes?
Come on, Z.
So...you never did tell me...what made you come out to the worker bar that night?
Just looking for fun, adventure, trouble, I guess.
Sorry, it's been through a war, not to mention everything else...
You held onto this all that time?
Why do they have you tied up here?
Bala, that -- that lake we found -- I think the tunnel's right underneath it! -- Formica's going to <u>flood the</u> <u>colony</u>!!! That's what he meant when said there were too many ants!
Z! what are you doing?
I mean, I've got the whole package, right? A great life, a beautiful wife, and a few kids.
The Club's so <u>stuffy</u>. I want to try someplace different.
There isn't anyplace else -- Except the worker bar.
We shouldn't be doing this -- it isn't proper!
I'm the Princess, aren't I?
Of course --
And do Princesses do improper things?
Of course not --
Bala has always been a hopeless romantic, General.
I felt the same way before I got married. Confused. Scared.
You did?
Yes -- but I did my duty and sorted out all those messy feelings. The wonderful thing about ant life is that everything is arranged. Even marriage. You're lucky -- General Formica is a paragon of anthood.
Who is that idiot?
Bala!
You new, kid?
I just joined up. But I'm quitting! I got a trial membership!
You just stick by old Barbatus. He'll watch out for you. Whatsamatter, kid? Leave a girl behind?
Yeah. Well -- no. She's kind of playing hard to get. As a matter of fact, she's playing completely unattainable. So, what's on the schedule? A brisk walk? a foraging expedition?
No -- we're going to attack the termites!
Well, what exactly does our platoon do? Serve beverages? Process paperwork?
So we're going back for more armor, right? I mean, these guys are from outer space, how are we supposed to beat them?!
Don't be scared, kid. Barbatus's got yer back.
BARBATUS! You -- you saved my life!
Z! Over here!
Barbatus!
Be honest, kid -- am I hurt bad?
No, no, you're...lookin' good. You've got good color in your cheeks.
No -- I can see it in your eyes. I'm a goner. It's alright, Z. In this ant's army, a soldier's life ain't worth a sack of fungus. I can't feel my legs...
Hang in there, buddy! You can make it! Just -- take deep breaths, I'll try and find your body -- it's gotta be around here somewhere!
I wonder...what...was it all...for...
Barbatus, hang on -- Barbatus!!
Princess Bala, sir. Your fiancee.
Actually, sir, we're ahead of schedule. We have thirty-six seconds available right now.
Fourteen-fifty hours, sir.
Dammit, this tunnel is priority A-1! We can't afford <u>any delays</u> on this project!
Notice the big one, holding hands with the female?
Well, uh, who notices workers, sir?
What do we have on this "Insectopia"?
Scattered reports, sir. Rumors. Nothing reliable.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Get me Ant Team Six.
What are you doing?! ATTACK!! Come on, you yellow-bellies! Don't just stand there, Carpenter! Make an example of yourself!
So this Z...he fancies himself an individual?
Yeah...I mean...well...I don't know, really, sir.
Well now <u>you</u> haven't fallen for this silly idea of individuality, have you?
Oh, no, sir!
Good. You're a good soldier.
So tell me. Where's Z?
I...I have no idea, sir.
We know what makes an ant colony strong, don't we? We know that no ant can be an individual. No <u>single</u> ant matters, right?
That's correct, sir!
Not that one. Or that one.
Lays it on a little thick, doesn't he? If you ask me, he's one giant bore.
Now I've heard a lot of scuttlebutt about a <u>food shortage</u>. Well you boys are gonna be taken care of. But in the meantime we're gonna eat the enemy for <u>breakfast</u>, we are gonna eat the enemy for <u>lunch</u>, and we are gonna eat the enemy for <u>dinner</u>!
Geez, and I forgot my toothbrush.
No -- you -- you don't understand!
Damn, I'm proud of you, boy. I wish I had a hundred ants of your caliber. The world would tremble. Now, time for some R and R. You're invited to the royal victory party!
Royal victory party? Will...will Princess Bala be there?
Of course. The entire royal family will be there to honor you.
Son, you're an ant after my own heart. A warrior. An ant that looks death right in the face and <u>laughs</u>.
Well, I generally just make belittling comments and snicker behind death's back. So, tell me, fellow war-monger...do you think Princess Bala likes men in uniform?
Well she better -- she's engaged to one. <u>Me</u>!
Engaged? As in you're getting married?
Affirmative.
So...you two are in love?
Wow, what a spread -- you know, there's a food shortage in the rest of the colony.
Yes, and do you know <u>why</u> there's a food shortage?
...Not enough food?
Well I, I don't think "living it up" is the right term -- how about "working themselves to death"?
I tell you son, sometimes, at night, I see myself in battle, fighting a horrible, faceless enemy, with the future of our whole species at stake. And always, the dream ends with each of us plunging his sword into the other's heart...
May I cut in?
What's this? A <u>worker</u> has been masquerading as a war hero?!
Well it wasn't a masquerade, really, it was more what I'd call a clever ruse --
ARREST HIM!
General, the severe food shortage that faces the colony...<u>pains</u> me. The thought of any of my children going hungry... Who's the cutest widdle worker? You are! Yes, you! Don't forget to brush your teeth! Ship 'er out. What steps are you taking to remedy the situation?
We are launching a major offensive to expand our foraging territory...
Yes, what else?
No snacking between meals! Off you go! Now -- what were we saying?
I do not recollect, your majesty. Will that be all?
Conversation...yes...well... Wasn't she briefed?
Look, General! A darling baby soldier! Don't try to be a hero! Just make sure you come back in one piece! Next!
All these parties are so marvellously <u>alike</u>.
Your majesty, I'm afraid matters of state keep me from attending the ceremony.
But General -- this tunnel is your baby! You're sure you can't stay ?
'Fraid not, your majesty. Goodbye, your majesty.
Very well, General -- I know you -- all work and no play!
I feel...isolated. Different. I've got abandonment issues. My father flew away when I was just a larva. My mother didn't have much time for me...when you have five million siblings, it's difficult to get attention. I feel physically inadequate -- I've never been able to lift more than ten times my own weight. Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out to be a
...I should?
Ask me why we're so successful.
Why are we so successful?
What do you see out there?
...Ants...
You see? Being an ant is being able to say, "Hey -- <u>I'm</u> meaningless, <u>you're</u> meaningless."
We declared war again? Are you scared?
Did you see that? How he gave <u>you</u> the beers, not me? I'm telling you, he's got something against workers.
I don't know what you're talking about, Z.
Come on -- everybody dumps on us workers. You soldiers get all the glory. Plus you get to go out into the world, meet interesting insects, and kill them.
Weaver, they're career girls. They're obsessed with digging. No, I'll probably never meet the girl for me.
Who said there was a girl for you? I was talking about a girl for me. Don't you want your aphid beer?
I can't help it. I have a thing about drinking from the anus of another creature. Call me crazy.
Z, we've known each other a long time, right?
Of course. You were born two seconds after me.
And all the time I've known you, you've been grumping and groaning. You should quit making waves. Go with the flow.
Hey, did you hear what he said?!
Time to cut a rug, Z!
I'm not in the mood. Even when they're off work, they follow orders.
Get real, Z! She just dropped the scarf by accident!
Are you kidding? There were sparks between us! This scarf is a sign!
It's a sign that you're crazy! Do you know what the penalty for impersonating a soldier is?
You have to help me. Please, Weaver. Think of all the things I've done for you!
I can't think of any.
Well I'm gonna <u>start</u> doing things for you...
Will you introduce me to some worker girls?
You bet! They'll really go for a sensitive guy like you!
Wear this.
You're a real buddy.
Yeah, I know.
What do I do?
Yeah, but I hate drowning more! Now <u>dig</u>!
I'm getting lonely. Who are you talking to, anyway?
My mother.
This the place?
You sure this is a good idea? DOBISCH Can't think of a better one.
I mean - barging in on your mother -- in the middle of the night?
Not there. Under the mat.
So this is your mother's apartment?
Oh. Hello there, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
Something the matter?
Such a racket I heard in your place -- maybe you had burglars.
Mrs. Dreyfuss, can I borrow some coffee -- and maybe an orange and a couple of eggs?
Eggs he asks me for. Oranges. What you need is a good horse-whipping.
Ma'am?
From me the doctor has no secrets. Poor girl -- how could you do a thing like that?
I didn't really do anything -- honest -- I mean, you take a girl out a couple of times a week -- just for laughs -- and right away she thinks you're serious -- marriage-wise.
You wouldn't have such a thing as a napkin, would you?
Well, I have some paper towels --
Beatnik! Go to my kitchen -- third drawer, under the good silver, there is napkins.
Yes, Mrs. Dreyfuss. He starts out with a worried backward glance toward the two. Fran is just sitting there, the spoon in her hand, not touching the soup.
You must eat -- and you must get healthy -- and you must forget him. Such a fine boy he seemed when he first moved in here -- clean and cut -- a regular Ivy Leaguer. Turns out he is King Farouk. Mit the drinking -- mit the cha cha -- mit the no napkins. A girl like you, for the rest of your
One napkin, coming up. I wish we had some champagne to wrap it around.
What did I tell you?
Look, Mrs. Dreyfuss, you don't have to wait around. I'll wash the dishes and --
All right -- I'll tell him. Hey, Baxter -- that was Personnel. Mr. Sheldrake's secretary.
Sheldrake?
She's been trying to reach you for the last twenty minutes. They want you up stairs.
What gives, Baxter? You getting promoted or getting fired?
Care to make a small wager?
I've been here twice as long as you have --
Shall we say -- a dollar?
Morning, Mr. Baxter.
What did you do to your hair?
It was making me nervous, so I chopped it off. Big mistake, huh?
Say, you got a lulu.
Yeah. I better not get too close.
Oh, I never catch colds.
Really? I was looking at some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division -- do you know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
That makes me feel just terrible.
Why?
Well, to make the figures come out even -- since I have no colds a year -- some poor slob must have five colds a year.
You should have stayed in bed this morning.
Twenty-seven.
You may not realize it, Miss Kubelik, but I'm in the top ten -- efficiency-wise and this may be the day -- promotion-wise.
You're beginning to sound like Mr. Kirkeby already.
Why not? Now that they're kicking me upstairs --
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. You know, you're the only one around here who ever takes his hat off in the elevator.
Really?
The characters you meet. Something happens to men in elevators. Must be the change of altitude -- the blood rushes to their head, or something -- boy, I could tell you stories --
I hope everything goes all right.
I hope so. Wouldn't you know they'd call me on a day like this -- with my cold and everything -- How do I look?
Good night.
Oh -- Miss Kubelik. I've been waiting for you. FRAN You have?
I almost didn't recognize you -- this is the first time I've ever seen you in civilian clothes.
How'd you make out on the twenty- seventh floor?
Great. Look -- have you seen The Music Man?
No.
Would you like to?
Sure.
I thought maybe we could have a bite to eat first -- and then --
You mean tonight?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but I can't tonight. I'm meeting somebody.
Oh. You mean -- like a girl-friend?
I wasn't trying to be personal -- it's just that the fellows in the office were -- whether you wondering about you ever --
Just tell 'em -- now and then.
This date -- is it just a date -- or is it something serious?
It used to be serious -- at least I was -- but he wasn't -- so the whole thing is more or less kaputt.
Well, in that case, couldn't you -- ?
I'm afraid not. I promised to have a drink with him -- he's been calling me all week --
Well, it was just an idea -- I hate to see a ticket go to waste --
What time does the show go on?
Eight-thirty.
Well -- I could meet you at the theatre -- if that's all right.
All right? That's wonderful! It's the Majestic -- 44th Street.
You know, I felt so lousy this morning -- a hundred and one fever -- then my promotion came up -- now you and I -- eleventh row center -- and you said I should have stayed in bed.
How is your cold?
What cold? And after the show, we could go out on the town -- I've been taking from Arthur Murray.
So I see.
They got a great little band at El Chico, in the Village -- it's practically around the corner from where you live.
Sounds good. How do you know where I live?
Oh, I even know who you live with -- your sister and brother-in- law -- I know when you were born -- and where -- I know all sorts of things about you.
How come?
A couple of months ago I looked up your card in the group insurance file.
Oh.
Well, don't tell the fellows in the office about the appendix. They may get the wrong idea how you found out. 'Bye.
Marry Christmas.
Thank you. I thought you were avoiding me.
What gave you that idea?
In the last six weeks you've only been in my elevator once -- and then you didn't take your hat off.
Well, as a matter of fact, I was rather hurt when you stood me up that night --
I don't blame you. It was unforgivable.
I forgive you.
You shouldn't.
You couldn't help yourself. I mean, when you're having a drink with one man, you can't just suddenly walk out on him because you have another date with another man. You did the only decent thing.
Don't be too sure. Just because I wear a uniform -- that doesn't make me a Girl Scout.
Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character -- and as far as I'm concerned, you're tops. I mean, decency-wise -- and otherwise-wise. Cheers.
One more?
I shouldn't drink when I'm driving.
By the power vested in me, I herewith declare this elevator out of order. Shall we join the natives?
Why not? They seem friendly enough.
Don't you believe it. Later on there will be human sacrifices -- white collar workers tossed into the computing machines, and punched full of those little square holes.
How many of those drinks did you have?
Three.
You all right? What's the matter?
Nothing. There are just too many people here.
Guess I made a boo-boo, huh?
No -- I like it.
Really? You mean you wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with somebody in a hat like this?
Of course not.
Maybe if I wore it a little more to the side -- is that better?
Much better.
Well, as long as you wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with me -- how about the three of us going out this evening -- you and me and the bowler -- stroll down Fifth Avenue -- sort of break it in --
This is a bad day for me.
I understand. Christmas -- family and all that --
I'd better get back to my elevator. I don't want to be fired.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I have quite a bit of influence in Personnel. You know Mr. Sheldrake?
Why?
I thought maybe I could put in a word for you with Mr. Sheldrake -- get you a little promotion -- how would you like to be an elevator starter?
I'm afraid there are too many other girls around here with seniority over me.
No problem. Why don't we discuss it sometime over the holidays -- I could call you and pick you up and we'll have the big unveiling -- -- you sure this is the right way to wear it?
I think so.
Here.
What is it?
The mirror -- it's broken.
Your phone.
Oh. Yes? Just a minute. If you don't mind -- this is sort of personal
Don't you remember? We were at the office party together --
Oh, yes -- office party -- Miss Olsen --
That's right. I told you we had a fight -- that's what it was about -- Miss Olsen -- you know that other girl you saw --
I don't understand --
It's not important, Fran -- the main thing is that I got here in time -- and you're going to be all right -- -- isn't she, Doc?
I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter.
Miss Kubelik -- -- you shouldn't be out of bed.
I didn't know -- I had no idea this was your apartment --
I'm so ashamed. Why didn't you just let me die?
What kind of talk is that? So you got a little over- emotional -- but you're fine now.
My head -- it feels like a big wad of chewing gum. What time is it?
Two o'clock.
You're in no condition to go anywhere -- except back to bed.
You don't want me here --
Miss Kubelik, I'm stronger than you are --
I just want to go brush my teeth --
Here. How about some breakfast?
No -- I don't want anything.
Who are you calling, Miss Kubelik?
My sister -- she'll want to know what happened to me.
Wait a minute -- let's talk this over first. Just what are you going to tell her?
Well, I haven't figured it out, exactly.
You better figure it out -- exactly. Suppose she asks you why you didn't come home last night?
I'll tell her I spent the night with a friend.
Who?
Someone from the office.
And where are you now?
In his apartment.
His apartment?
I mean -- her apartment.
What's your friend's name?
Baxter.
What's her first name?
When are you coming home?
As soon as I can walk.
Something wrong with your legs?
No -- it's my stomach.
Your stomach?
They had to pump it out.
But they'll be worried about me -- my brother-in-law may be calling the police --
That's why we have to be careful -- we don't want to involve anybody -- after all, Mr. Sheldrake is a married man --
I didn't mean it that way -- I was just talking to him on the phone -- he's very concerned about you.
He doesn't give a damn about me.
Oh, you're wrong. He told me --
She doesn't seem to like you very much.
Oh, I don't mind. As a matter of fact, I'm sort of flattered -- that anybody should think a girl like you -- would do a thing like this -- over a guy like me.
Oh. Did you find something here -- an envelope -- ?
Yes, I've got it. Don't you think we'd better destroy it? So it won't fall into the wrong hands -- ?
There's nothing here but a hundred dollar bill.
That's right. Will you see that Mr. Sheldrake gets it?
You want me to move the television set in here? You play gin rummy?
I'm not very good at it.
I am. Let me get the cards.
I think I'm going to give it all up.
Give what up?
Why do people have to love people, anyway?
Yeah -- I know what you mean. Queen.
I don't want it.
What do you call it when somebody keeps getting smashed up in automobile accidents?
A bad insurance risk?
That's me with men. I've been jinxed from the word go -- first time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.
A cemetery?
I was fifteen -- we used to go there to smoke. His name was George -- he threw me over for a drum majorette.
I just have this talent for falling in love with the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. BUD How many guys were there?
Three. The last one was manager of a finance company, back home in Pittsburgh -- they found a little shortage in his accounts, but he asked me to wait for him -- he'll be out in 1965.
Cut.
So I came to New York and moved in with my sister and her husband -- he drives a cab. They sent me to secretarial school, and I applied for a job with Consolidated - but I flunked the typing test --
Too slow?
Oh. I can type up a storm, but I can't spell. So they gave me a pair of white gloves and stuck me in an elevator -- that's how I met Jeff -- Oh, God, I'm so fouled up. What am I going to do now?
You better win a hand -- you're on a blitz.
Was he really upset when you told him?
Mr. Sheldrake? Oh, yes. Very.
Maybe he does love me -- only he doesn't have the nerve to tell his wife.
I'm sure that's the explanation.
You really think so?
No doubt about it.
Can I have that pad and the pencil?
What for?
I'm going to write a letter to Mrs. Sheldrake.
You are?
As one woman to another -- I'm sure she'll understand --
Why not?
Well, for one thing, you can't spell. And secondly -- if you did something like that -- you'd hate yourself.
I don't like myself very much anyway.
Pick up your cards and let's go.
Do I have to?
You sure you want to throw that card?
Sure.
Who was that?
Just somebody delivering a bottle of champagne. Like some?
Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.
I just want some fresh air.
It's only one story down -- the best you can do is break a leg.
So they'll shoot me -- like a horse.
Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.
Who'd care?
I would.
Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice like you?
There's a call for you --
For me?
-- Mr. Sheldrake.
I don't want to talk to him.
Are you all right?
Sure. What's that funny smell?
Gas. Didn't you turn it on?
Yes. I was boiling some water to get the coffee stains out of my dress.
You turned it on -- but you didn't light it.
Are you supposed to?
In this house, you're supposed to.
What are you doing with that?
I was washing my stockings, so I decided I might as well do your socks.
Thank you.
It's very curious -- I could only find three and a half pair.
Tennis racquet? Oh, I remember -- I was cooking myself an Italian dinner. I used it to strain the spaghetti. FRAN Why not?
As a matter of fact, I'm a pretty good cook -- but I'm a lousy housekeeper.
Yes, you are, When I was straightening up the couch, you know what I found? Six hairpins, a lipstick, a pair of false eyelashes, and a swizzle stick from the Stork Club.
It's just that I'm the kind of guy who can't say no -- I don't mean to girls -- I mean --
You mean to someone like Mr. Sheldrake.
I guess so.
I know so. He's a taker.
A what?
Some people take, some people get took -- and they know they're getting took -- and there's nothing they can do about it.
I wouldn't say that -- What would you like to have for diner? There's onion soup and canned asparagus --
You can't leave yet. The doctor says it takes forty-eight hours to get the stuff out of your system.
I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world -- but it's not, really. I went through exactly the same thing myself.
You did?
Well, maybe not exactly -- I tried to do it with a gun.
Over a girl?
Worse than that -- she was the wife of my best friend -- and I was mad for her. But I knew it was hopeless -- so I decided to end it all. I went to a pawnshop and bought a forty-five automatic and drove up to Eden Park -- do you know Cincinnati?
No, I don't.
Anyway, I parked the car and loaded the gun -- well, you read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves, but believe me, it's not that easy -- I mean, how do you do it? -- here, or here, or here -- -- you know where I finally shot myself?
Where?
Here.
In the knee?
Uh-huh. While I was sitting there, trying to make my mind up, a cop stuck his head in the car, because I was illegally parked -- so I started to hide the gun under the seat and it went off -- pow!
That's terrible.
Yeah. Took me a year before I could bend my knee -- but I got over the girl in three weeks. She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids, gained twenty pounds -- she sends me a fruit cake every Christmas.
Are you just making that up to make me feel better?
No, thanks. The fellows in the office may get the wrong idea how I found out.
So let 'em. Look, I'm going to cook dinner for us. We'll have the fruit cake for dessert. You just sit there and rest. You've done enough for one day.
Are we dressing for dinner?
No -- just come as you are.
Say, you're pretty good with that racquet.
Shall I light the candles?
I see you bought some napkins.
You know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe -- shipwrecked among eight million people. Then one day I saw a footprint in the sand -- and there you were -- It's a wonderful thing -- dinner for two.
You usually eat alone?
Oh, no. Sometimes I have dinner with Ed Sullivan, sometimes with Dinah Shore or Perry Como -- the other night I had dinner with Mae West -- of course, she was much younger then. Cheers.
You know what we're going to do after dinner?
The dishes?
I mean, after that?
What?
You don't have to if you don't want to --
I don't?
We're going to finish that gin game.
Oh.
Oh, Miss Kubelik. How do you feel?
Fine. How's your eye?
How's everything at the apartment?
Nothing's changed. You know, we never finished that gin game --
I know. I suppose you heard about Mr. Sheldrake --?
You mean, leaving his wife? Yeah. I'm very happy for you.
I never thought he'd do it.
I told you all along. You see, you were wrong about Mr. Sheldrake.
I guess so.
For that matter, you were wrong about me, too. What you said about those who take and those who get took? Well, Mr. Sheldrake wasn't using me -- I was using him. See? Last month I was at desk 861 on the nineteenth floor -- now I'm on the twenty-seventh floor, paneled office, three windows -- so it all worked out fine -- we're
Yes. You walking to the subway?
Oh.
Aren't you meeting Mr. Sheldrake?
No. You know how people talk. So I decided it would be better if we didn't see each other till everything is settled, divorce-wise.
That's very wise.
Good night, Mr. Baxter.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Are you sure? How's your knee?
I'm fine all over.
Mind if I come in?
Where are you going? BUD Who knows? Another neighborhood -- another town -- another job -- I'm on my own.
That's funny -- so am I. What did you do with the cards?
What about Mr. Sheldrake?
I love you, Miss Kubelik.
Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
Good evening, Mr. Baxter.
Good evening, Mrs. Lieberman.
Some weather we're having. Must be from all the meshugass at Cape Canaveral. You locked out of your apartment?
No, no. Just waiting for a friend. Good night, Mrs. Lieberman.
Oh -- Mrs. Lieberman.
So who did you think it was -- Kris Kringle? What was going on here last night?
Last night?
All that marching -- tramp, tramp, tramp -- you were having army maneuvers maybe?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Lieberman -- and I'll never invite those people again.
What you get from renting to bachelors. All night I didn't sleep ten minutes -- and I'm sure you woke up Dr. Dreyfuss.
Don't worry about Dr. Dreyfuss -- I happen to know he was out on a case.
Oh, Mr. Baxter -- I'm glad you're here -- I was just going to get the passkey.
What for?
I thought I smelled gas coming from your apartment.
Baxter?
Yes, sir.
I was sort of wondering what you looked like. Sit down.
Been hearing some very nice things about you -- here's a report from Mr. Dobisch -- loyal, cooperative, resourceful --
Mr. Dobisch said that?
And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that several nights a week you work late at the office -- without overtime.
Well, you know how it is -- things pile up.
Mr. Vanderhof, in Public Relations, and Mr. Eichelberger, in Mortgage and Loan -- they'd both like to have you transferred to their departments.
Tell me, Baxter -- just what is it that makes you so popular?
I don't know.
Would you mind repeating the question?
Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid. I know everything that goes on in this building -- in every department -- on every floor -- every day of the year.
You do?
In 1957, we had an employee here, name of Fowler. He was very popular, too. Turned out he was running a bookie joint right in the Actuarial Department tying up the switchboard, figuring the odds on our I.B.M. machines -- so the day before the Kentucky Derby, I called in the Vice Squad and we raided the thirteenth floor.
The Vice Squad?
That's right, Baxter.
What -- what's that got to do with me? I'm not running any bookie joint.
What kind of joint are you running?
Sir?
There's a certain key floating around the office -- from Kirkeby to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to Dobisch -- it's the key to a certain apartment -- and you know who that apartment belongs to?
Who?
Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C. C. Baxter.
Oh.
Are you going to deny it?
No, sir. I'm not going to deny it. But if you'd just let me explain --
You better.
Baxter, an insurance company is founded on public trust. Any employee who conducts himself in a manner unbecoming -- How many charter members are there in this little club of yours?
Just those four -- out of a total of 31,259 -- so actually, we can be very proud of our personnel -- percentage-wise.
That's not the point. Four rotten apples in a barrel -- no matter how large the barrel -- you realize that if this ever leaked out --
Where is your apartment?
West 67th Street. You have no idea what I've been going through -- with the neighbors and the landlady and the liquor and the key --
How do you work it with the key?
Where are you going, Baxter?
Well, I don't want to intrude -- and I thought -- since it's all straightened out anyway --
I'm not through with you yet.
Yes, sir.
The reason I called is -- I won't be home for dinner tonight. The branch manager from Kansas City is in town -- I'm taking him to the theatre Music Man, what else? No, don't wait up for me -- 'bye, darling. Tell me something, Baxter -- have you seen Music Man?
Not yet. But I hear it's one swell show.
How would you like to go tonight?
You mean -- you and me? I thought you were taking the branch manager from Kansas City --
I made other plans. You can have both tickets.
Well, that's very kind of you -- only I'm not feeling well -- you see, I have this cold -- and I thought I'd go straight home.
Baxter, you're not reading me. I told you I have plans.
So do I -- I'm going to take four aspirins and get into bed -- so you better give the tickets to somebody else --
I'm not just giving those tickets, Baxter -- I want to swap them.
It also says here -- that you are alert, astute, and quite imaginative --
This?
That's good thinking, Baxter. Next month there's going to be a shift in personnel around here -- and as far as I'm concerned, you're executive material.
I am?
Oh -- terribly sorry. It's that cold --
Relax, Baxter.
Now remember, Baxter -- this is going to be our little secret.
Yes, of course.
You know how people talk.
Oh, you don't have to worry --
Not that I have anything to hide.
Oh, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway, it's none of my business -- four apples, five apples -- what's the difference -- percentage-wise?
Here you are, Baxter. Have a nice time.
Morning, gentlemen. Everything satisfactory? You like your office?
Oh, yes, sir. Very much. And I want to thank you --
I like the way you handled that. Well, how does it feel to be an executive?
Fine. And I want you to know I'll work very hard to justify your confidence in me -- SHELDRAKE Sure you will. Say, Baxter, about the apartment - now that you got a raise, don't you think we can afford a second key?
Well -- I guess so.
You know my secretary -- Miss Olsen --
Oh, yes. Very attractive. Is she -- the lucky one?
No, you don't understand. She's a busybody -- always poking her nose into things -- and with that key passing back and forth -- why take chances?
To me?
I mean -- the young lady -- whoever she may be -- it was on the couch when I got home last night.
Oh, yes. Thanks.
The mirror is broken. It was broken when I found it.
So it was. She threw it at me.
Sir?
You know how it is -- sooner or later they all give you a bad time.
I know how it is.
You see a girl a couple of times a week -- just for laughs -- and right away she thinks you're going to divorce your wife. I ask you -- is that fair?
No, sir. That's very unfair -- especially to your wife.
Yeah. You know, Baxter, I envy you. Bachelor -- all the dames you want -- no headaches, no complications --
Yes, sir. That's the life, all right.
Put me down for Thursday again.
Hello? -- yes -- what's on your mind, Baxter?
I hate to disturb you, but something came up -- it's rather important -- and I think it would be a good idea if you could see me -- at the apartment -- as soon as possible.
You're not making sense, Baxter. What's this all about?
I didn't want to tell you over the phone but that certain party -- you know who I mean -- I found her here last night -- she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills.
I thought maybe you'd like to be here when she wakes up.
That's impossible. You'll have to handle this situation yourself -- as a matter of fact, I'm counting on you --
Yes, she's in the shower -- she's coming along fine, considering.
Good. Is there anything you need -- money -- ?
No, thank you, Mr. Sheldrake. As a matter of fact, I've got some money for you -- a hundred dollars --
Oh. Well, if there's anything I can do for you --
For me? I don't think so. But I was hoping maybe you could do something for her --
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you --
And I've got good news for you, Baxter. All your troubles are over.
Sir?
I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik -- well, stop worrying -- I'm going to take her off your hands.
You're going to take her off my hands?
That's right. I've moved out of my house -- I'm going to be staying in town, at the Athletic Club.
You left your wife?
Well, if you must know -- I fired my secretary, my secretary got to my wife, and my wife fired me. Ain't that a kick in the head?
Yeah --
Now what was your news, Baxter?
It's about Miss Kubelik -- she's all right again -- so she went back home.
You like? It's all yours.
Mine?
My assistant, Roy Thompson, has been shifted to the Denver office, and you're taking his place. What's the matter, Baxter? You don't seem very excited.
Well, it's just that so many things have been happening so fast -- I'm very pleased -- especially for Miss Kubelik. Now that I've gotten to know her better, I think she's the kind of girl that definitely ought to be married to somebody --
Oh, sure, sure. But first the property settlement has to be worked out -- then it takes six weeks in Reno -- meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy being a bachelor for a while. Oh, by the way, you can now have lunch in the executive dining room --
That's just one of the privileges that goes with this job. You also get a nice little expense account, the use of the executive washroom -- Say, what happened to you, Baxter?
I got kicked in the head, too.
Here's the breakdown of figures on personnel turnover. Thirty-seven percent of our female employees leave to get married, twenty-two percent quit because --
You're working too hard, Baxter. It's New Year's Eve -- relax.
Yes, sir.
I suppose you'll be on the town tonight -- celebrating?
Naturally.
Me, too. I'm taking Miss Kubelik out -- I finally talked her into it --
I see.
The only thing is I'm staying at the Athletic Club -- and it's strictly stag so if you don't mind --
Don't mind what?
You know that other key to your apartment -- well, when we had that little scare about Miss Kubelik, I thought I'd better get rid of it quick -- so I threw it out the window of the commuter train.
Very clever.
Now I'll have to borrow your key.
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake.
What do you mean, sorry?
You're not going to bring anybody up to my apartment.
I'm not just bringing anybody -- I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
Especially not Miss Kubelik.
How's that again?
No key!
Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a bright young man. You realize what you're doing? Not to me -- but to yourself. Normally it takes years to work your way up to the twenty-seventh floor -- but it takes only thirty seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?
I dig.
Now you're being bright?
Say, Baxter -- you gave me the wrong key.
No I didn't.
But this is the key to the executive washroom.
What's gotten into you, Baxter?
Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a mensch. You know what that means? A human being.
Now hold on, Baxter --
Baxter?
How do you do, Mr. Matuschka?
Okay, get your clothes on. I got the cab downstairs.
Now, wait a minute. I know what you're thinking -- but it's not as bad as it looks -- MATUSCHKA It's none of my business what you do, Fran -- you're over twenty- one -- but your sister happens to think you're a lady.
All we were going to do is eat and wash the dishes --
What's the matter with Miss Kubelik?
Oh, this is Mr. Matuschka -- he's Miss Kubelik's -- he's got a cab downstairs --
No, no -- just had a little accident.
On account of me.
You?
Mr. Kirkeby, I don't like to complain -- but you were supposed to be out of here by eight.
I know, Buddy-boy, I know. But those things don't always run on schedule -- like a Greyhound bus.
I don't mind in the summer -- but on a rainy night -- and I haven't had any dinner yet --
Sure, sure. Look, kid -- I put in a good word for you with Sheldrake, in Personnel.
Mr. Sheldrake?
That's right. We were discussing our department -- manpower-wise -- and promotion-wise -- -- and I told him what a bright boy you were. They're always on the lookout for young executives. BUD Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby.
You're on your way up, Buddy-boy. And you're practically out of liquor.
I know. Mr. Eichelberger -- in the Mortgage Loan Department -- last night he had a little Halloween party here --
Well, lay in some vodka and some vermouth -- and put my name on it.
Yes, Mr. Kirkeby. You still owe me for the last two bottles --
Good morning, Mr. Kirkeby.
Oh, how are you, Baxter. They keeping you busy these days?
That Kubelik -- boy! Would I like to get her on a slow elevator to China.
Oh, yes. She's the best operator in the building.
I'm a pretty good operator myself -- but she just won't give me a tumble -- date-wise.
Maybe you're using the wrong approach.
A lot of guys around here have tried it -- all kinds of approaches -- no dice. What is she trying to prove?
Could be she's just a nice, respectable girl -- there are millions of them.
Hello? Yeah, Baxter. What's up?
Instead of Friday -- could you possibly switch to Thursday? You'd be doing me a great favor --
Baxter, we're a little disappointed in you -- gratitude-wise.
So long, Baxter. We know you won't let us down.
Hi, Baxter.
What do you want?
You can't come in.
Look, you can't stay here. Just take your champagne and go.
Baxter, I don't want to pull rank on you -- but I told the lady it was all set -- you want to make a liar out of me?
Buddy-boy, why didn't you say so? You got yourself a little playmate, huh?
Say, why don't we have ourselves a party -- the four of us?
Hiya, Buddy-boy. I'm in this bar on Sixty-first Street -- and I got to thinking about you -- and I figured I'd give you a little buzz.
Well, that's very nice of you -- but who is this?
Dobisch -- Joe Dobisch, in Administration.
Oh, yes, Mr. Dobisch. I didn't recognize your voice --
That's okay, Buddy-boy. Now like I was saying, I'm in this joint on Sixty-first -- and I think I got lucky -- -- she's a skater with the Ice Show -- -- and I thought maybe I could bring her up for a quiet drink.
I'm sorry, Mr. Dobisch. You know I like to help you guys out -- but it's sort of late -- so why don't we make it some other time?
Buddy-boy -- she won't keep that long -- not even on ice. Listen, kid, I can't pass this up -- she looks like Marilyn Monroe.
I don't care if it is Marilyn Monroe -- I'm already in bed -- and I've taken a sleeping pill -- so I'm afraid the answer is no.
Look, Baxter -- we're making out the monthly efficiency rating -- and I'm putting you in the top ten. Now you don't want to louse yourself up, do you?
Of course not. But -- how can I be efficient in the office if I don't get enough sleep at night?
Make it thirty minutes. What do you say, Bud?
I'm all out of liquor -- and there's no clean glasses -- no cheese crackers -- no nothing.
Let me worry about that. Just leave the key under the mat and clear out.
Oh, Buddy-boy. I was just about to call you. I'm sorry about that mess on the living room wall. You see, my little friend, she kept insisting Picasso was a bum -- so she started to do that mural -- but I'm sure it will wash off -- just eyebrow pencil.
It's not Picasso I'm calling about. It's the key -- to my apartment -- you were supposed to leave it under the mat.
I did, didn't I? I distinctly remember bending over and putting it there --
Oh, I found a key there, all right -- only it's the wrong key.
It is? Well, how about that? No wonder I couldn't get into the executive washroom this morning.
And I couldn't get into my apartment -- so at four a. m. I had to wake up the landlady and give her a whole song and dance about going out to mail a letter and the door slamming shut.
That's a shame. I'll send the key right down. And about your promotion -- -- I'm sending that efficiency report right up to Mr. Sheldrake, in Personnel. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from him before the day is over.
Teamwork -- that's what counts in an organization like this. All for one and one for all -- know what I mean?
We went to bat for you -- and now you won't play ball with us.
I sympathize with your problem -- and believe me, I'm very sorry --
You'll be a lot sorrier before we're through with you.
You threatening me?
Dear Mr. MacIntosh -- Vanderhof, Public Relations. Oh, yes, Baxter. Just a minute. All right, Miss Finch -- type up what we got so far. Now what is it, Baxter?
Look, Mr. Vanderhof -- I've got you down here for tonight -- but I'm going to be using the place myself -- so I'll have to cancel.
Cancel? But it's her birthday -- I already ordered the cake --
I hate to disappoint you -- I mean, many happy returns -- but not tonight --
That's not like you, Baxter. Just the other day, at the staff meeting, I was telling Mr. Sheldrake what a reliable man you were.
Thank you, Mr. Vanderhof. But I'm sick -- I have this terrible cold -- and a fever -- and I got to go to bed right after work.
Buddy-boy, that's the worst thing you can do. If you got a cold, you should go to a Turkish bath -- spend the night there -- sweat it out --
Oh, no. I'd get pneumonia -- and if I got pneumonia, I'd be in bed for a month -- and if I were in bed for a month --
Okay, you made your point. We'll just have to do it next Wednesday -- that's the only night of the week I can get away.
Quite an office -- name on the door -- rug on the floor -- the whole schmear.
Good evening, Baxter.
Hi, Doc. Had a late call?
Yeah. Some clown at Schrafft's 57th Street ate a club sandwich, and forgot to take out the toothpick.
Oh. 'Bye, Doc.
Say, Baxter -- the way you're belting that stuff, you must have a pair of cast-iron kidneys.
Oh, that's not me. It's just that once in a while, I have some people in for a drink.
As a matter of fact, you must be an iron man all around. From what I hear through the walls, you got something going for you every night.
I'm sorry if it gets noisy --
Sometimes, there's a twi-night double-header. A nebbish like you!
You know, Baxter -- I'm doing some research at the Columbia Medical Center -- and I wonder if you could do us a favor?
Me?
When you make out your will -- and the way you're going, you should -- would you mind leaving your body to the University?
My body? I'm afraid you guys would be disappointed. Good night, Doc.
There's a girl in my place -- she took some sleeping pills -- you better come quick -- I can't wake her up.
She going to be all right, Doc?
How many pills were in that bottle?
What are you going to do, Doc?
Want to tell me what happened?
I don't know -- I mean -- I wasn't here -- you see -- we had some words earlier -- nothing serious, really -- what you might call a lovers' quarrel --
So you went right out and picked yourself up another dame.
Something like that.
What's her name?
Miss Kubelik -- Fran.
Hello, Miss Kubelik.
Mister -- Miss -- such politeness!
She'll sleep on and off for the next twenty-four hours. Of course, she'll have a dandy hangover when she wakes up --
Just as long as she's okay.
Any of that coffee left?
How do you spell her last name?
Kubelik -- with two k's.
Why do you want to know, Doc? You don't have to report this, do you?
It's regulations.
She didn't mean it, Doc -- it was an accident -- she had a little too much to drink and -- she didn't know what she was doing -- there was no suicide note or anything -- believe me, Doc, I'm not thinking about myself --
Aren't you?
It's just that she's got a family -- and there's the people in the office -- look, Doc, can't you forget you're a doctor -- let's just say you're here as a neighbor --
Help yourself.
I don't know what you did to that girl in there -- and don't tell me -- but it was bound to happen, the way you carry on. Live now, pay later. Diner's Club! Why don't you grow up, Baxter? Be a mensch! You know what that means?
I'm not sure.
A mansch -- a human being! So you got off easy this time -- so you were lucky --
Yeah, wasn't I?
How's the patient?
Oh, I'm fine, Doc.
Say, Baxter -- we're having a little party and we ran out of ice -- so I was wondering --
Sure, Doc.
How come you're alone on New Year's Eve?
Well, I have things to do --
What's this -- you packing?
Where are you moving to?
I don't know. All I know is I got to get out of this place.
Sorry to lose you, Baxter.
Can you use a bottle of champagne?
Booze we don't need. Why don't you join us, Baxter? We got two brain surgeons, an ear, nose and throat specialist, a proctologist, and three nurses from Bellevue.
No, thanks -- I don't feel like it. Look, Doc -- in case I don't see you again -- how much do I owe you for taking care of that girl?
Forget it -- I didn't do it as a doctor -- I did it as a neighbor. By the way, whatever happened to her?
You know me with girls. Easy come, easy go. Goodbye, Doc.
You like Castro? I mean -- how do you feel about Castro? BUD What is Castro?
You know, that big-shot down in Cuba with the crazy beard.
What about him?
Because as far as I'm concerned, he's a no good fink. Two weeks ago I wrote him a letter -- never even answered me.
That so.
All I wanted him to do was let Mickey out for Christmas.
Who is Mickey?
My husband. He's in Havana -- in jail.
Oh. Mixed up in that revolution?
Mickey? He wouldn't do nothing like that. He's a jockey. They caught him doping a horse.
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring -- Nothing -- No action -- Dullsville! You married?
No.
Family?
No.
A night like this, it sort of spooks you to walk into an empty apartment.
Where do we go -- my place or yours?
Poor Mickey -- when I think of him all by himself in that jail in Havana -- -- want to see his picture?
Can I ask you a personal question?
No.
You got a girl-friend?
She may be a girl -- but she's no friend of mine.
Still stuck on her, huh.
Stuck on her! Obviously, you don't know me very well.
Say, this is Snugsville.
Mrs. MacDougall, I think it is only fair to warn you that you are now alone with a notorious sexpot.
No kidding.
Ask anybody around here. As a matter of fact, when it's time for me to go -- and I may go just like that -- -- I have promised my body to the Columbia Medical Center.
Gee. Sort of gives you goose-bumps just to think about it.
Well, they haven't got me yet, baby. Dig up some ice from the kitchen and let's not waste any time -- preliminary-wise.
Not so rough, honey.
Good night.
Good night?
The party's over.
What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?
Say, what's going on here, anyway?
Nothing. Just clear out, will you?
Here -- find yourself a phone booth and call your husband in Havana.
-- so yesterday afternoon I take Sylvia up to the apartment, and guess who he's got stashed away in the bedroom?
Who?
Kubelik.
No kidding. Buddy-boy and Kubelik having themselves a little toot!
Toot? It's more like a lost weekend. Neither of them showed up for work today.
A.W.O.L.?
I see. What do you think, Al? Can we help the man?
Why not? We don't owe Buddy-boy anything.
Hi, Buddy-boy. What happened to you?
That guy really must've belted him.
Sleeping pills.
That's right, Fran. And I'm a doctor.
Doctor.
Dr. Dreyfuss.
Dreyfuss.
Tell me again -- what's my name?
Dr. Dreyfuss.
And what happened to you?
I took sleeping pills.
Do you know where you are, Fran?
No.
Yes, you do. Now concentrate.
Do you know who this is? Look at him.
Please -- just let me sleep.
What's with you, Fran -- did you forget where you live?
What for?
Because I took some sleeping pills. But I'm all right now -- so let's go.
You fool -- you damn fool.
Come on, Fran.
Hi. How's the branch manager from Kansas City?
I beg your pardon? MISS OLSEN I'm Miss Olsen -- Mr. Sheldrake's secretary.
Yes, I know.
So you don't have to play innocent with me. He used to tell his wife that I was the branch manager from Seattle -- four years ago when we were having a little ring-a-ding- ding.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And before me there was Miss Rossi in Auditing -- and after me there was Miss Koch in Disability -- and just before you there was Miss What's-Her-Name, on the twenty- fifth floor --
Will you excuse me?
Well -- thank you.
Still afraid somebody may see us together?
Let me take that.
No, Jeff. I can't stay very long. Can I have a frozen daiquiri?
It's on the way. I see you went ahead and cut your hair.
That's right.
You know I liked it better long.
How long has it been -- a month?
Six weeks. But who's counting?
I missed you, Fran.
Like old times. Same booth, same song --
It's been hell.
-- same sauce -- sweet and sour.
You don't know what it's like -- standing next to you in that elevator, day after day -- Good morning, Miss Kubelik -- Good night, Mr. Sheldrake -- I'm still crazy about you, Fran.
Let's not start on that again, Jeff -- please. I'm just beginning to get over it.
I don't believe you.
Look, Jeff -- we had two wonderful months this summer -- and that was it. Happens all the time -- the wife and kids go away to the country, and the boss has a fling with the secretary or the manicurist -- or the elevator girl. Comes September, the picnic is over -- goodbye. The kids go back to school, the boss goes back
I never said goodbye, Fran.
How do you think I felt -- riding home on that seven-fourteen train?
Why do you keep calling me, Jeff? What do you want from me?
I want you back, Fran.
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake -- I'm full up. You'll have to take the next elevator.
You're not giving me a chance, Fran. I asked you to meet me because -- I have something to tell you. FRAN Go ahead -- tell me.
Not here, Fran. Can't we go some place else?
No. I have a date at eight-thirty.
Important?
Fran -- remember that last weekend we had?
Do I. That leaky little boat you rented -- and me in a black negligee and a life preserver --
Remember what we talked about?
We talked about a lot of things.
I mean -- about my getting a divorce.
We didn't talk about it -- you did.
You didn't really believe me, did you?
They got it an a long playing record now - Music to String Her Along By. My wife doesn't understand me -- We haven't gotten along for years -- You're the best thing that ever happened to me --
That's enough, Fran.
Just trust me, baby -- we'll work it out somehow --
You're not being funny.
I wasn't trying.
If you'll just listen to me for a minute --
Okay. I'm sorry.
I saw my lawyer this morning -- I wanted his advice -- about the best way to handle it --
Handle what?
What do you think?
Let's get something straight, Jeff -- I never asked you to leave your wife.
Of course not. You had nothing to do with it.
Are you sure that's what you want?
I'm sure. If you'll just tell me that you still love me --
You know I do.
I have that date -- remember?
Where are we going, Jeff? Not back to that leaky boat --
Come on, Fran -- don't be like that. You just going to sit there and keep bawling? You won't talk to me, you won't tell me what's wrong -- Look, I know you think I'm stalling you. But when you've been married to a woman for twelve years, you don't just sit down at the breakfast table and say "Pass the sugar -- and
Yeah -- that's me. The Happy Idiot -- a million laughs.
Well, that's more like it. At least you're speaking to me.
Funny thing happened to me at the office party today -- I ran into your secretary -- Miss Olsen. You know -- ring-a-ding-ding? I laughed so much I like to died.
Is that what's been bothering you -- Miss Olsen? That's ancient history.
I was never very good at history. Let me see -- there was Miss Olsen, and then there was Miss Rossi -- no, she came before -- it was Miss Koch who came after Miss Olsen --
Now, Fran --
And just think -- right now there's some lucky girl in the building who's going to come after me --
How could I be so stupid? You'd think I would have learned by now -- when you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.
It's Christmas Eve, Fran -- let's not fight.
Oh. Our friend from the Chinese restaurant. Thanks, Fran. We better keep it here.
Yeah, we better.
Okay. I just thought as long as it was paid for --
Don't ever talk like that, Fran! Don't make yourself out to be cheap.
A hundred dollars? I wouldn't call that cheap. And you must be paying somebody something for the use of the apartment --
Stop that, Fran.
Coming?
You run along -- I want to fix my face.
Don't forget to kill the lights. See you Monday.
Sure. Monday and Thursday -- and Monday again -- and Thursday again --
Hello, Jeff. Yes, I'm all right.
Are you there, Fran?
Of course I'm not here -- because the whole thing never happened -- I never took those pills -- I never loved you -- we never even met -- isn't that the way you want it?
Sorry it took me so long on the phone. But we're all set.
All set for what?
I rented a car -- it's going to be here at one o'clock -- we're driving to Atlantic City.
Atlantic City?
I know it's a drag -- but you can't find a hotel room in town -- not on New Year's Eve.
Ring out the old year, ring in the new. Ring-a-ding-ding.
I didn't plan it this way, Fran -- actually, it's all Baxter's fault.
Baxter?
He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.
He wouldn't.
Just walked out on me -- quit -- threw that big fat job right in my face.
The nerve.
That little punk -- after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment -- especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?
I don't know. I guess that's the way it crumbles -- cookie-wise.
What are you talking about?
Please, Sylvia! It's a quarter to nine!
First you can't wait to get me up here, and now -- rush, rush, rush! Makes a person feel cheap.
Sylvia -- sweetie -- it's not that -- but I promised the guy I'd be out of here by eight o'clock, positively.
What guy? Whose apartment is this, anyway?
Some setup you got here. A real, honest-to-goodness love nest.
You got to watch those things. Wives are getting smarter all the time. Take Mr. Bernheim -- in the Claims Department -- came home one night with lipstick on his shirt -- told his wife he had a shrimp cocktail for lunch -- so she took it out to the lab and had it analyzed -- so now she has the house in Great
Where do you live?
I told you -- with my mother.
Where does she live?
A hundred and seventy-ninth street -- the Bronx.
All right -- I'll take you to the subway.
Like hell you will. You'll buy me a cab.
Why do all you dames have to live in the Bronx?
You mean you bring other girls up here?
Yes? Oh, hello -- sure I got home all right -- you owe me forty-five cents.
Okay, okay. Look, Sylvia -- instead of Friday - could we make it Thursday night?
Thursday? That's The Untouchables -- with Bob Stack.
Stay with it, Buddy-boy! Come on, Sylvia.
What gives?
A little mixup in signals. Let's go.
Go where?
What's your mother doing this afternoon?
She's home -- stuffing a turkey.
Why don't we send her to a movie -- like Ben-Hur?
Did you have a nice Christmas?
Lovely. You were a big help.
Me? SHELDRAKE Thank you for giving that little pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the office party.
I'm sorry, Jeff. You know I could never hold my liquor --
But I thought you could hold your tongue.
It won't happen again.
You bet it won't. I'll arrange for you to get a month's severance pay -- That's right, Miss Olsen. I'm letting you go.
You let me go four years ago, Jeff. Only you were cruel enough to make me sit out there and watch the new models pass by.
I'd appreciate it if you'd be out of here as soon as you can.
Hey, Dad -- why don't we put a fly in the nose cone and see if we can bring it back alive?
It's a thought.
Maybe we should send up two flies -- and see if they'll propagate in orbit.
See if they'll what?
Propagate -- you know, multiply -- baby flies?
You came in on that boat, didn't you?
Yeah --
Where are you headed?
What's it matter? Get to the point.
Look -- you know the girls -- Thta's Terri -- she was playmate of --
Oh -- I see -- Well, girls, this is Captain -- eh --
Captain Willard -- go ahead.
Look -- we got in a little trouble -- they rudely took our helicopter for MedEvac work on this -- uh Operation Brute Force -- They just brought it back this morning.
Yeah.
Well I mean like they also took our fuel -- We've been here two days.
Dreadful.
Look -- the girls could get killed -- we're not supposed to be this close combat, I mean real combat.
Well --
We could use some fuel -- just a half drum -- just enough to get us out a here.
Look -- you know who that is, Captain -- you know what she's saying -- you'll never see stuff that good outside of a magazine for the rest of your life.
I'm not that fond of blondes -- maybe I like brunettes --
Take your pick -- they all like you -- I can tell --
I like all of them --
Good -- like I said, take your pick.
I said I like all of them.
We need all our fuel anyway.
Wait -- wait -- don't get up tight -- what I meant was we'd need a whole drum for that --
What's there to talk about -- this whole thing disgusts me.
My men --
What !
You're out of your skull --
We have a lot of pride in our unit --
How far do you think you can push -- what kind of people do you think --
Esprit de corps --
No -- absolutely not --
One for all -- all for one --
You make some of your closest friends in the army -- war has a way of bringing men together.
Get out --
Two whole drums --
We can use some fifty caliber and a 16 too --
I don't know what you're talking about -- Get fucked --
We've been attacked.
Who the hell are you?
Moonby. Got any Winstons?
Moonby what?
Moonby, 4th battalion, Royal Australian Regiment, Task Force. Ex-Corporal Moonby, deserted.
How about a drink ?
Winning the war by yourself.
Part.
Which part is that ?
That's good gin.
I'm sure it is, but I had hepatitis.
Delta ?
No.
North ?
Yeah. Way north.
What unit were you with ?
None.
Rangers, eh?
Were you Longe Range Recon --
That's quite an array of ribbons...
Let's talk about you.
I was an FO for the 25th.
Tracks ?
Yeah.
Fat. That's real fat.
Sometimes.
At least you always have enough water. How many gallons does each one of those damn things carry ?
Thirty -- sometimes fifty.
You know, I can remember once, getting back below the DMZ -- and the first Americans we ran into were a track squadron. I just couldn't believe how much water they had. We'd been chewing bamboo shoots for almost a week, and before that, for two weeks, we'd been drinking anything -- rain water, river shit, stuff right out of the paddies. And there
I didn't know we had units up there in North Vietnam.
We do.
How long were you up there ?
A long time.
A year ? Waiter another beer.
Headquarters 11 Corps -- 405th A.S.A Battalion -- S-2 -- Com-Sec -- Intelligence -- Nha Trang.
It's really too much -- I mean I've collected every picture of her since she was Miss December.
So what happened ?
He was working A.R.V.N. patrols and had one a them little cocky gook asshole Lieutenants -- anyhow, the Lieutenant took his new Playboy one day, sat on the end of the dock, and wouldn't give it back.
Yeah -- typical A.R.V.N.
Holy shit.
Arch light.
Chef.
Yes, sir --
Why they call you that?
Call me what, sir?
Chef -- is that 'cause you like mangoes an' stuff?
No, sir -- I'm a real chef, sir -- I'm a sauciere --
A sauciere --
That's right, sir -- I come from New Orleans -- I was raised to be a sauciere.. a great sauciere. We specialize in sauces; my whole family. It's what we do. I was supposed to go to Paris and study at the Escoffier School; I was saving the money. They called me for my physical so I figured the Navy had better food.
What are you doing out here?
Cook school -- that did it.
How?
I've arranged with those people we saw at Hau Fat to give us some 50 caliber in trade for a couple a drums of fuel --
No shit.
Chef -- since you're such a fan of Miss December's I think you should be detailed with Lance and Clean to take the first drum up there.
What do you see?
I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like the goddamn jungle's watching us.
Probably is.
Whatdoya think it thinks.
There's some bad holes, man, and the cracks -- water's coming through the cracks. Food's shot to hell.
How much is left?
And the grass?
That's a light down there --
Charlie?
Looks that way.
Who's he?
Captain -- they've been probed all this week -- Cong and NVA regulars. There's gonna be a big offense any time.
What are we doing here?
He killed that guy without feeling anything.
Not a thing.
When you kill Cong, don't you feel something.
This is evil -- evil, Captain. We're all gonna die here.
Yeah, I know.
I don't get it -- You said your mission was to kill him. Let's do it, an' get our asses outta here. This Kurtz is ruining the war; I mean, this don't look good for America !
... he's an amazing officer.
Can I go get those mangos now?
You forgot the mangoes, didn't you?
Elevate Lance, in the tree. No, I saw another.
What'd he say?
Flood.
I met the P.B.R. crew; they were pretty much all kids, except for Phillips, the Chief -- Gunner's Mate Third Class L. Johnson -- Lance Johnson; Gunner's Mate Third Class J. Hicks -- The Chef -- Radio Operator Second Class T. Miller; they called him Mr. Clean.
Chief, try to keep out of where we're going -- Why we're goin' and what's gonna be the big surprise.
All right with me, I used to drive a taxi.
The Delta closes off to us about ten miles out of Hau Fat. We'll be able to pick up some supplies -- bit I think there are only two points we can draw enough water to get into the Nung River. It's all Charlie's turf from there on out.
We're gonna have some help to get in the river. You know these waters, Chief ?
'Bout six months ago I took a man up to Lo Mung Bridge. He was regular Army too. Shot himself in the head. I brought his body back down.
Shot himself. What for ?
Smoke !
Yeah -- fishing village -- helicopters over there. Hueys, lots of 'em.
We could go in tomorrow at dawn -- there's always off-shore wind in the morning.
Yeah, Chef -- go ahead -- take Lance with you --
Careful, Captain, they've been known to charge.
What're you trying to say, Captain --
You'll see soon enough -- get going, sailor --
Wow, you must a found the C.O., eh?
What about ducking into one of those tributaries till this river slows down?
Who knows what's up there?
Can't be any worse than this. What do you think?
Well, get in there.
Get in there !
This is my crew and my fucking boat, and I'm the responsible party.
What the hell is it?
They're not Cong.
I --
Rocks, sand -- those two men who deserted.
When'd you do it?
Why -- Charlie put it there to kill --
Whoever put'em there didn't do it to kill people -- They put 'em up as signs --
Signs?
Listen.
What is it?
Will they attack?
Two hours after the fog lifted, we moved slowly to a spot we thought was roughly a mile and a half below Kurtz's camp. We approached a long sand-bank stretching down the middle of the river.
Which way? Right or left?
Who knows? Right.
Anybody see some smoke ?
What cat ?
One that went up for murder -- he was an Army Sergeant.
I never heard about that.
They nail him for it bad ?
Forget that extra drum -- it's too damn hot.
Clear on starboard -- Where's Lance an' the Captain?
Jesus -- that guy's too damn much.
What do you want ?
If you're B.L. Willard, 4th Recon Group, we'd like you to come with us.
I only met Kurtz once.
Would he remember you ?
You didn't like him.
What does that mean ?
Our Recon flight ?
Ours.
Touchy.
You can see, of course, the implications, if any of this -- even rumours leaked out.
You want me to clean it up -- simple and quiet.
Exactly -- you'll go up the Nung River in a Navy P.B.R. -- appear at Nu Mung Ba as if by accident, re-establish your acquintance with Colonel Kurtz, find out what's happened -- and why. Then terminate his command.
Terminate ?
Hey, buddy, that boat still runs, eh?
Yeah, it still runs.
Do me a favor buddy, please.
It's to everyone I really knew -- the first girl I screwed -- my brother -- best friend -- I wanted to tell 'em how much I enjoyed knowing 'em -- it's been a great twenty years. I gotta let 'em know.
What're you askin' me for -- put 'em in the first helicopter comes in tomorrow.
You got a chance in that boat -- by morning you could be five miles down the river.
Spooky.
Charlie?
What -- happened here.
Charlie?
Who is he?
How did they know?
Yeah.
Colonel Kurtz, he's dead.
Captain B.L. Willard, G-4 Headquarters, reporting as ordered, sir.
No, sir.
This gentleman or myself ?
No, sir.
I believe on your last job you executed a tax collector in Kontum, is that right ?
You know much about about Special Forces; Green Berets, Captain ?
Yeah.
I thought he was a lame.
A lame ?
This is years ago, before he joined Special Forces, I guess. We had an argument.
About what ?
I don't know. He was a lame, that's all.
But why ?
He couldn't get through a sentence without all these big words; about why we kill.
Well, he's killing now.
Fifty calibers, eh, Captain --
As I said, we can pay you in gold.
American weapons?
We don't want to bother you any, we --
A habit of men of war, sir -- you understand.
It is very good -- there is no current -- It is very good. I have never seen one like it in all Indochina. I was in Paris when it arrived -- do you know what might have caused --
Looks like a two thousand pound to me. Yeah, a two thousand pound bomb.
Attacks repulsed, as I was saying. This is only for this war, Captain. Viet Cong -- 54; North Vietnamese regular forces -- 15; South Vietnamese -- 28 -- regular forces and otherwise. Americain -- 6. Of course, they were, perhaps, mistakes, Captain.
Of course. I -- Once we make our repairs, we could send word, we could have you evacuated from here.
Captain?
You'll get blown outta here some day.
We will never 'evacuate', Captain -- this is our home. Indochina is ours; it has been so for a hundred and twenty-one years, there is something to say for that.
The Vietnamese think it's theirs -- I guess the Americans do, too.
But we civilized it. A place belongs to those who bring light to it, don't you agree.
Upriver? Why upriver? There is nothing there, only jungle.
Do you know that jungle?
When I was a boy, my father would take me there, to hunt. There are a few savages, but no man can live there, no white man.
Two of my men deserted last night. It happens from time to time. I assume my daughter told you of our conditions.
I guess this is whAt men of war do -- eh?
What's your name, sailor ?
Gunner's Mate, Third Class -- L. Johnson, sir.
Lance Johnson? The surfer?
It's an honor to meet you Lance. I've admired your nose-riding for years -- I like your cutback, too. I think you have the best cutback there is.
Thank you, sir.
Where've you been riding, Lance?
I haven't surfed since I got here.
Good swell.
What, sir?
You think that section on the point is ridable, Lance?
They far enough?
You smell that. You smell that?
What?
The wind --
Yeah, I'm an artist, goddamit !
Mike, you know anything about the point at Vin Drip Drop?
Boss left.
What do you mean?
Why the hell didn't you tell me about that place -- a good left. There aren't any good left slides in this whole, shitty country. It's all goddamn beach break.
It's hairy ,though. That's where we lost McDonnel -- they shot the hell out of us. It's Charlie's point.
How big it is?
Change.
Wh -- what?
Change -- get out there -- I want'a see if it's ridable -- change.
It's still pretty hairy, sir.
Big Duke Six to Hell's Angels Four -- bring it in on along tree line and huts.
Hell's Angels Four to Big Duke Six -- we'll need green smoke -- suggest you have the FAC mark it.
This is Baker Delta Four -- Captain hit bad -- need dust-off. Receiving heavy automatic weapons fire from huts about thirty yards to our left.
Eagle Thrust Four -- Big Duke Six. Join me in sparaying some trees.
Affirmative, Big Duke Six -- We're even got some rockets left.
Captain B-L. Willard, sir -- 4th Recon Group -- I carry priority papers from Com-Sec Intelligence 11 Corp -- I believe you understand the nature of my mission.
My orders are from Com-Sec Intel -- B.L. Willard, 4th Recon --
Why the hell you wanna go up to Nu Mung Ba for?
I got bored in Saigon.
What's the furthest you been in?
Haiphong.
Haiphong? Shit, you jump in ?
No. Walked.
What'd you do for supplies?
Mercenaries -- agents, traitors -- they put out caches.
Can you trust them?
No. They put out two or three for every one I needed. When you get to the one you'll use, you just stake it out. If something feels wrong, you just pass it up. On one mission, I had to pass up three and ended up living on rats and chocolate bars.
Nu Mung Ba. Last I heard, Walter Kurtz commanded a Green Beret detachment at Nu Mung Ba.
When did you hear?
'Bout a year ago? Is Kurtz still alive?
Who knows.
Seems to me he got himself fragged. i heard some grunt rolled a grenade in his tent. Maybe a rumor. Helluva man -- remarkable officer. Walter Kurtz woulda been a General some day. General of the Army. Shit, Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Did you knew Kurtz?
I met him.
Don't you agree?
He musta changed ! I got to get into the Nung River, here or here.
That village you're pointing at is kinda hairy.
Hairy ?
I mean it's hairy -- they got some pretty heavy ordnance, boy -- I've lost a few recon ships in there now and again.
So? I heard you had a good bunch of killers here.
And I don't intend to get some of them chewed up just to get your tub put in the mouth of the goddman Nung River. You say you don't know Kurtz?
I met him.
You talk like him. I don't mind taking casualties, Captain, but I like to keep my ratio ten to one in this unit -- ten Cong to one.
You'll find enough Cong up there.
We'll come in low out of the rising sun -- We'll put on the music about a mile out.
Music?
Fucking savages.
Who?
Sonuvabitch -- anybody hurt?
Automatic weapons flashes along those trees -- probably eleven millimeter guns and AK-47's.
I'm waiting for the fucking boat, Colonel.
You know, some day this war's gonna end..
It's gonna blow this place out. It's gonna ruin it ...
Colonel Kurtz, I guess.
I'm Kurtz.
Why did you come to ... my province.
We were attacked -- down river. We need supplies and medical help.
You were not coming here, to see me?
No -- no, sir.
You came up my river -- in that small boat. So simple. I always thought the final justice would come from the sky, like we did. You are the final justice, aren't you?
What do you mean, Colonel?
What other reason could you have come? A Captain. Ranger. Paratrooper. Graduate of the Recondo School. Am I right about these things?
Do you know me?
Yeah, I can see that. He's fuckin nuts --
I said get the fuck out ! I'm going to kill the little weirdo myself tomorrow. He's only stayed alive this long because he's a good orderly and medic. He knows how to use a hypodermic.
You're gonna get hit tonight, bad -- a whole regiment of NVA regulars.
Do you?
Yeah, I like it...
You've gone crazy.
No -- I don't want to sleep. I want to think. Water. Give me water.
You can't have water after morphine.
Still playing by the rules. You're a damn good kiler.
How's the pain?
How's yours?
I can handle it.
Pain is easy to handle -- but nobility.. the nobility of a man is judged by how much Truth he can handle.
What Truth?
Gimme water.
No water.
How did we get here?
Because of all the things we do, the thing we do best -- is lie.
I think think a lie stinks.
Oh Captain, that is so true.
You could never figure it because it doesn't make sense.
Fuck no.
I'll tell you what makes sense ! Air strikes ! White Phosphorus ! Napalm ! We'll bomb the shit out of them if they don't do what we want.
Go away -- hide yourself.
What are you doing?
Going back - to the jungle to die.
I'm taking you back. You can still live.
I had immense plans.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
My river... my people... my jungle... my ideas... my country... my wife... ... my death.
You had immense plans... immense plans...
Yes...
Did you know him very well?
You get to know each other pretty well out there.
And you admired him?
He was a remarkable man. It was impossible not to --
Love him... Yes, it is true. That's the hard part for me... I knew him better than anyone ... I knew him best.
You knew him best.
You were his friend... You must have been, if he had given you this... If he sent you to his home. He was the best this country had -- he was --
Yes, I know...
I'll never get over it -- But I'll always remember him...
Both of us...
Men looked up to him... He died as he lived...
His death was -- yes, he died as he lived.
Were you with him, when...
Maybe he'll get tubed.
What?
What's that?
He'll kill us.
Are you finished surfing?
Yeah... thanks.
Want to say goodbye to the Colonel?
Nah.
No -- no, Captain.
Which one's the Colonel's?
This one , Lance?
Maybe we better stay in under the trees till dark -- we got his Yater.
You hear it again?
No -- I don't think so. But it'll be back. They were circling. It'll be back.
You think he'd of shot us?
When?
I don't think he'd of shot us on the beach but -- he'd of shot us if he saw me taking the board --
A Yater spoon is hard to get -- especially here.
Captain -- that was all true about the rats and chocolate and stuff?
Sure.
And you could just tell when the supplies were booby trapped?
What's this tiger shit?
No shit... I think I shot the hell out of him.
You think?
The other one --
What?
Captain Willard?
That's me.
You don't know how happy that makes me, sir.
Why?
Now I can get out a here -- if I can find a way out.
We'll be needing some supplies and fuel -- do you know anybody who can give me a hand?
I'd just clear out as soon as I could if I were you, sir. They're gonna start working on the bridge with torches again. Charlie will start throwing it in hard --
What is this bridge?
This boat's a mess.
Where's Kurtz? I want to talk to him.
Oh, you don't talk to Colonel Kurtz. You listen to him. God, these are good. I kept these people off you, you know. It wasn't easy.
Why did they attack us?
Simple. They don't want him to go.
You're Australian?
Pre-Australian, actually. But I'd dig goin' to California. I'm California dreamin'.
So Kurtz is alive.
But lemme tell you, he is the most dangerous thing in every way that I've come on so far. He wanted to shoot me. The first thing he said is, 'I'm going to shoot you because you are a deserter.' I said I didn't desert from your army, I deserted from my army. He said, 'I'm going to shoot you just the same.'
Why didn't he shoot you?
Sounds like he's gone crazy.
No, Colonel Kurtz couldn't be crazy -- if you heard him talk, just last week, you'd never think he was crazy.
Is that where he is? By the shrunken heads.
Those heads, yes. Well, the rebels...
Right on -- he's been waiting for --
Who are you?
His name is...
May I ask where the Captain is going in his little boat?
You must realize, Captain -- we have lost much here -- I, my husband. Gaston -- his wife and son.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Cognac?
I should be checking on the boat.
Do you miss your home, Captain? Have you someone there?
What will you do after the war?
I just follow my footsteps, one at a time, trying to answer the little questions and staying away from the big ones.
What's a big question?
Kurtz. I know you've heard of him.
Yes.
What did you hear?
That strange things.. terrible things have occured around this American, Kurtz.
What things?
Gaston would never tell me. It was asubject not to be spoken of, Captain.
Yes.
Did you know -- deeper in the jungle, upriver -- there are savages?
I know.
Are you warm, Captain?
I'm afraid I won't have time -- I gotta --
So that's it.
What if I say no.
I don't know anything about these papers, sir.
They're in order -- it's perfectly clean -- just check with ComSec- Intel like I said.
Well, you know I don't have the priority to do that, sir. It says here not to contact Com-Sec- Int. Who's your commanding officer ?
Right now -- I am.
Well who the hell verifies that ?
What show ?
Big show in the parade grounds this noon -- some boss stuff --
This -- Bob Hope or the like --
That's 27, sir.
Soldier -- where''s your C.O.?
Stepped on a booby trap, sir -- got blown all to hell --
Well , who's in command here?
You came right to it, son of a bitch --
Where's your chief supply officer?
Beverly Hills --
What?
Straight up the road -- a concrete bunker -- Beverly Hills -- where else you think he'd be?
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23 CONTINUED:
Hard to work up an interest in politics, way we live. You're the first people we've seen in two weeks.
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See the blood? Pack of wolves took down a moose. Greedy, gut-ripping sons of bitches. I'd kill the last wolf on earth, right in front of the President of the U.S. Stinking, cowardly predator, the wolf.
102 CONTINUED:
You talk about ecology -- there it is.
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First you save my ass, now you want to kill me. Make up your goddamn mind.
What makes you so sure my boys won't be waiting for us?
Remember that demon in the gut? Sometimes it's nothing more than wondering if the so-called civilized life has bred the balls and brains out of you. That's what you want out of this, isn't it?
Relax. I got a nervous man here with a magnum up my nose.
215 CONTINUED:
Avalanche season is coming.
48 CONTINUED:
Let's go.
95 CONTINUED:
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119 CONTINUED:
...I won't let a killer walk!
165 CONTINUED:
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You'll catch a chill by that dumb waiter shaft. Sit on the cot. Keep this pointed at him if I get preoccupied.
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26 CONTINUED:
Watch it with Meyerling. Man's as mean and corrupt as they get. Cut his mother's throat if it'd get him a couple votes.
27 CONTINUED:
A certain sonofabitch bastard -more-
39 CONTINUED:
How long have you been up north?
Six months.
My dad was a Navy doctor.
Knew you had no native blood, even with your dark hair. Blue eyes give you away. My wife had blue eyes.
Had?
She's dead.
Oh.
Had some good years. Met her in '66. She showed up one day in Coldfoot. No one knew her. One Sunday morning, she marched into a bar and announced she was available as a wife to the highest bidder. Didn't work out in three months, she'd return the money and leave, no hard feelings. My bid was eight thousand dollars. Beautiful girl.
How did she..?
What about you -- why come back? Classy girl like you seems more suited to the finer things.
You should know something.
I don't want to talk any more.
Have you talked to Eric?
I have not, but I very much want to. What do you know about the trouble in Devil's Cauldron?
-- Get this straight: I'm the District Supervisor. Whatever you do reflects on me. It wasn't my idea to bring you people up here, but I'm stuck with you. You are absolutely not to involve yourself in any local disputes. Whichever side you take, you alienate the other. Mr. Corbett is quite well-known in this region. People admire him --
What happened here?
The radio's on the fritz.
Where'd you say Eric is?
Somewhere along the pipeline.
What about that hotheaded marshal, Sam Wilder? I heard he was in the middle of this mess.
Sam? We haven't seen him.
Really. I thought maybe that was his snowmobile outside. By the way -- your truck also 'on the fritz?'
Why?
He's coming around fine.
What are you doing?
Stay here.
Great idea -- pointing a lousy dart gun at some nut with a high-powered hunting rifle.
Thanks.
I call it 'the Turtle,' as in carrying your home on your back.
Best thing is, Meyerling has to chase around to find us.
I'll go into town with you.
Eric, leave it alone. It's not your business.
Did you catch Corbett?
Sure did. He was one of the trappers we rousted from the Haul Road.
Was there any trouble?
He was sitting in a hot tub with a hooker.
Going after killers isn't the same as chasing poachers, Eric.
Oh, sweetheart. It's beautiful!
You were looking at it in the catalog. Don't know where you can wear it...
I'll wear it for you. And I can wear it when we go home. We won't be here forever.
You make it sound like a prison sentence.
That's not what I meant.
It's exactly what you meant.
Look, why get into this again. As long as it's working, let's leave it alone. It's been nice so far. We're together --
-- Permanently?
I still can't believe I'm being financed by an oil company. Especially when they get a look at these pictures. Technology in the wilderness; not too pretty. What's that?
Winter. Two straight months of night -- we may never get out of bed. Which would suit me fine.
Prolonged darkness makes people crazy.
High-tech in the wilderness. Gets me excited, too.
Let's go.
Maybe you should drive him into Devil's Cauldron, let them decide what to do with him.
Be careful, okay?
Oh, Christ, sweetheart. Four days! I thought you were dead, or worse.
You can't stay here. Go back to the Turtle. I'll meet you back there in a few hours.
What's going on?
I'll tell you everything later.
Where's Corbett?
Here. A transport plane is due at eleven. Once I put him on it, it's all over.
Please, Anne Marie, you being here only complicates things.
You're hurt.
Technology in the wilderness. Only problem is talking to you on your way to the landing strip.
When you ran off, I thought you'd keep going 'til you were back home in Washington.
Leave it here.
Let's keep going. We're only an hour from Devil's Cauldron.
Had no choice... ...Given the situation.
Go ahead. Take the jeep. I'll come to Cache with Bob when he gets here.
Okay by me. You're the one likes these hot springs so much.
You got two counts against you -- trapping out of season and poaching on restricted land.
Can't be much of a crime, if all they got minding the area is a cocky kid.
Ben Corbett?
Yep. Afraid you have me at a disadvantage.
Kenai at the general store asked me to bring these. Didn't expect we'd already met.
Desmond.
New to the country, kid?
Six months. Ecological study for Northland Oil.
Nice bluff the other day with the tranquilizer gun out your jeep window. See you again, maybe.
A lot to ask, dragging him away from such a good-looking girl --
Does he have people?
A daughter in Oregon.
Surviving is what I know --
How the hell were they smart enough to find us?
Been driving long?
I needed a pilot's license to take the job here, so I got one in six weeks.
Sounds like professional jealousy.
Stay put!
Next time you want to kill yourself, don't include me.
I took the odds on getting down in one piece, and I made it. Now we're in my territory.
With light clothing and no supplies, this is nobody's territory.
I'm not gonna carry you out of here.
That's right. You're not.
Why in hell you care enough about me to die taking me in?
We'll stop here, dig out a snow shelter.
Still quite a hike to Devil's Cauldron. Days. A long stretch to go without sleep, my friend. You can hide behind that pistol for now, but take your eyes off me long enough to sneeze --
Ice is too thin -- you can see the water moving underneath.
We're not sitting here 'til November. There's a cargo plane coming to Devil's Cauldron in four days, and I'm putting you on it.
We get wet, we freeze to death in a couple hours.
Be my guest.
Most dangerous thing in the world: A regular Joe, in over his head. You trying to prove how tough you are for me, or for yourself?
It wasn't my idea to crash the plane.
Let's camp. There's grayling under this ice. I'll snare some for dinner.
We've got another two hours of daylight.
Have to backtrack, find another way down.
Forget it. It would take days.
Damn lucky this storm didn't blow down when we were on those baldheaded mountains. It continues, we better stay put.
It could blow over tomorrow, too.
Where in hell Meyerling dig you up?
You know Meyerling?
Sure love to know where you fit in up here.
I'm here to do my job.
Folks come to Alaska for a real short list of reasons: Money. Adventure. Solitude. Those cover most everyone. But frontiers also draw another type of man. One with a demon in his gut. He comes to the edge of the world to face that demon, and lay it to rest.
Yeah?
There's a cabin, maybe twenty miles south of here.
Too bad we're heading west.
There's a snowmobile. Inside a day we could be on the Yukon. I got money there. Remember that five thousand? Make it ten. Be smart. Take it and walk away.
Have to get these wet things off.
Stay awake! You want to go hypothermic?
Told you I'm fine!
How many do you see?
What?! Fuck off. Save yourself.
You don't feel cold?
Stay still.
Where's my ELT?
Emergency transmitter? All your gear is back at Wilder's.
You got one?
It was blown up with the plane.
I'm hungry. Go kill me some dinner.
An appetite. Maybe you won't die after all.
Nome? I figure you'd be a whaler, coming from there.
Told that's what our old man was. Planned on going to sea, me and Bob, 'til I read Jack London. Started trapping when I was ten. Mailed the furs to Sears. Eight bucks for a skunk, three for a muskrat. That was fine money.
Killing wildlife not good enough anymore, so you go on to bigger and better things.
Don't judge me. You're a joke, coming here from a fucked-up culture, telling us what to do!
Yeah, it is fucked up -- but it's not too late to keep that from happening here.
What do you know about people? You live like an animal! A savage goddamn throwback like you belongs out here, as far away from the rest of us as possible.
Don't push me..!
They think you're in Fairbanks. If not, they still won't find you before the plane comes tomorrow.
Don't bet on it.
I already have.
Maybe...maybe not. I'll tell you what scares me -- stumbling through life, like an ordinary jerk. That's why I want to work on the front lines, where what I do means something. Soon as I got here, I realized my job was bullshit. Oil company propaganda. I was ready to leave, then I thought screw it, I'll outsmart them, do the work anyway. I
Talk to that good-looking girl of yours?
You broke the radio, remember?
You were real resourceful out there. Got me thinking of this perimeter man, froze all his fingers one winter. So he hacked the tips off and sharpened the exposed bones. Gets along better than ever. Yeah, maybe I underestimated you.
I liked you better frozen. You didn't talk so much.
Emergency transmitter? What happened to signal mirrors or two-tone smoke fires?
Lets us watch each other's backs over a wide area. Only thing messed me up this time was getting arrested in the baths. ELT was in my duffel bag, not around my neck where it should've been.
Maybe you can talk sense into your boyfriend.
Shut up!
Answer and I'll shoot!
Snow's to their advantage, kid. You can't see them, but soon as that plane comes, they'll sure as hell know where we're going. Wise up. Take me to the Yukon. I'll give you that money and guarantee you'll walk away.
Why offer a buyoff with your gunmen waiting outside?
Can you walk?
Wound's a through-and-through. Missed my liver, I think.
How come you didn't let him shoot me?
Like I said, I'd still be up on that mountain, frozen solid, it wasn't for you.
Look down there, tell me what any of this matters. Struggles of men get swallowed by the bigness. Soon there won't be a trace of our troubles... or us.
Hullo, Sam. Slow day?
Ben...boys. Yeah, real slow, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Relax. One more day without drink won't kill you. Right, Sam?
I'm living proof of that sad fact.
Can we buy the Marshal some dinner?
You wouldn't shoot anyone...
All this for laying traps on private land?
Christ if I shouldn't know better than to step in soft earth. I've seen footprints in the tundra a hundred years old.
I got it from here. Thanks.
Sam, listen -- I shot to defend my man. Other guy drew first.
If that was all, fine. But carving him up, stranding the others, that's too fucking much. Is everything that walks, crawls, flies or swims fair game to you?
I'll get loose before that plane comes.
You better get some sleep.
Goddammit, I don't need this aggravation. I'll shoot you, Ben. Bank on it.
I don't want to hurt you, Sam.
I'm not too old to knock the snot out of you!
I need to rent a cabin.
What's the problem with Sam Wilder's place?
Will you rent me a cabin, or not?
Pretty clever: If the trappers got that signal beacon and get here in time, Sam's is the first place they'll look. They may figure you're waiting for an airplane, so you can't stay in the shack by the airstrip. Last place they'd expect you is on the far side of town. I can't afford any trouble --
-- Here's a hundred dollars. And if you or anyone else will back me up on this --
-- Forget it. And try not to bleed on my throw rugs. Why do this?
Mr. Desmond! Arthur Neff. Area rep for the Federal Assistance Plan. Tell the boys in DC to keep those goodies coming.
Sure.
You don't mind me saying, Mr. Desmond, you look like hell.
Have you heard anything from the girl staying with me, Anne Marie?
Not a damn thing. What's going on? Mr. Meyerling was here, all steamed up, looking for you.
Look, Neff, I've got Ben Corbett with me --
-- Here?! Where's Wilder?
If Corbett's men find out --
-- I'm putting him on the plane to Fairbanks, eleven tomorrow.
Jiminy Christmas. What do you want from me?
What's wrong?
I was just on my way to your ladyfriend's, but I guess she found you.
Yeah. Sorry I barked at you last night.
Look, Mr. Desmond, I didn't count on it turning this ugly.
What are you talking about?
Bastards killed Sam, you think they won't kill the rest of us?
There'll be three, four men at the most. I have some backup, nothing will happen.
You don't care enough about Sam to --
Neff, you know better than this...
Alleged killer.
What does this matter to you?
You can't see past your lousy little assignment, sniffing around the pipeline. The few voters there are in this district look up to Corbett, and I'm not about to alienate them.
I should release Corbett because you want some votes?
This miserable wilderness is a state of the union. Policy's made here the same way as in the civilized world: at the ballot box. That's the beauty of it -- these icebox cowboys are living a century too late. Get them on your side, it's like buying Manhattan for beads. With a handful of votes you control the greatest frontier since white men stumbled
Nobody wants any more killings; we all agree to that, correct? That's good. Now, Eric, you're gonna hand your prisoner over to us.
Fuck you.
Bet you're right. But I didn't come by to wangle a meal --
What'd you say they call these spaceships?
Hey, Sam, look over there. Black and white smoke.
Damn. Likely that's an SOS. Have to pass on that lunch.
I'm too old for this shit.
...You give us a ride in the Cessna you got hangared at the pumping station, we'll be in Fairbanks in a few hours.
That's what we should've done in the first place.
Wilder's missing church services; you believe it?
Why the smirk?
Bet I could make some money turning Ben Corbett in. Maybe more for lettin' him loose. I was up in my cache. Saw the Northland man come talk to you.
You're out of your greedy goddamn mind.
Corbett coming here stinks of trouble. We should make the best of it before it turns around and bites us in the ass.
He saw you and Corbett come in...
Dead. Trappers killed him.
LeMalle. We got a problem. Where's Mitchell?
There you go. Wilder's always chummy with the fuckin' Bambi-lovers.
I called the cops in Fairbanks, see when Ben is standing trial. They don't know shit about Ben or Wilder!
Get the fuck out of here.
It's a three-hour flight. They shoulda got there yesterday.
Go easy.
I ain't gonna leave a seven- hundred-dollar Remington behind.
What you gonna do with it? Large bore's for shit on small game.
Thought that door was open last night...
Look, we pull Ben's ass out of the fire, I'll get you a whole damn crate of Snickers bars.
You hear me? Ben?
Kenai's PA -- but how the fuck she seein' us?
...Ben never sent a signal.
Meaning he'll need a plane.
Closest planes for hire are here in Cache.
Naah, Wilder knows we got friends in town.
Okay, let's backtrack, try to pick up his trail. You know the kid out on the pipeline that Wilder's buddies with?
It's Sam Wilder!
Musta wanted to keep him from the bears. If Ben killed him, he sure as hell wouldn't hang him up like this.
There's what they're waiting on!
This is Sam Wilder, Marshal in Devil's Cauldron. Had some killings here. I got a suspect; be real nice if someone came and took him off my hands.
On a good day I couldn't spare a crosswalk guard. But now, no way. Folks're batshit with the weather turning sour. Bring him in yourself.
Next plane's not coming 'til next Monday.
Sit your suspect out in the cold. He'll keep.
This man's friends ain't gonna look favorably on his incarceration.
I didn't know you had a secret admire.
Huh?
There is a seriously goofy man behind this. You are not allowed to block out that fact.
Do you really want to go back to the runt doctors in Emergency who keep telling us they can't help?
It lets a crazy man into our lives.
You're not still writing that thank-you note?
I'm on the last page. How do you spell conscience?
C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so let's go out.
I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. How do you spell it again?
Spencer is okay. You'd better start finding something else to do with your free time. If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little... You ought to get Mr. Udall to send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't know... It's very strange not feeling that stupid panic thing inside you all the time. Without that you just start thinking about yourself -- and what does that ever get anybody. Today, on the bus there was this adorable couple and I felt myself giving them a dirty look -- I had no idea everything was...
Go ahead.
... moving in the wrong direction... Away from when I even remembered what it was like to have a man to... anything... hold fucking -- sorry -- hands with, for Christ's sake. I was feeling like really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to... Like the poor kid doesn't have
Spencer's doing fine. So what are you saying, that you're frustr...
What is it you want? What?
How was it talking to him?
Stop treating this like I'm going away with a man. He's just going to say those crappy, sick, complaining, angry things to me. I hate this, Mom -- I hate this. He's a freak show -- the worst person I ever met.
Call me as soon as you're settled.
Stop it!! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend??? Why? Get out of here. Just a regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me...
I'm sorry.
Don't be silly. How bad?
Hi... Did you know there are doctors who come to your house?
He's good... And I'm an expert on doctors.
Do you love me?
What? Please? Now? Tell me?!
Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes ... Dr. Bettes.
Not your name... what are you telling me your name for!! Where is he?
He's in the bathroom... He's fine.
My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She says I have to take great care of this guy because you're urgently needed back at work. What work do you do?
How long has he been having problems?
Since forever.
Have they done blood tests on him?
Yes.
Only in the emergency room or when he was well.
Emergency room only.
Have they done skin testing for allergies?
No.
They haven't done the standard scratch test. Where they make small injections into the skin?
No. I asked. They said it's not covered under my plan. And it's not necessary anyway.
It's amazing these things weren't done.
Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of shit... I'm sorry... forgive me.
No. Actually, I think that's their technical name.
Once the tests come back, is there someone I can reach in your office for the results?
Me. My home number is on this card.
Do you want some juice or coffee or two female slaves?
Water... Nobody told you it might be a good idea to remove the carpeting and drapes in Spencer's room?
Doc!!! So listen, you gotta let me know about the additional costs -- one way or the other we'll...
I'm starving.
I know. He's just the best.
I've got Jews at my table.
The table's fine if it had some cholesterol on it. Two sausages, six bacon strips, fries, three eggs over easy and coffee.
You're gonna die soon with that diet, you know that?
Clippity clop -- clippity clop -- she has to pretend she doesn't hear me. Listening to the story from the upset friend... now she drops off the cappuccino and smiles at the putzette who doesn't even say, "Thank you." No, the putzette wanted the whipped cream so back she goes and now she has to pass him again and it's getting tougher to make
What's with the plastic picnic ware? Why not try ours... afraid it isn't clean?
I see the help -- judgement call.
Just give yourself a little pep talk. "Must try other people's clean silverware as part of the fun of dining out."
What's wrong with your son, anyway?
He's gotta fight to breathe. His asthma can just shoot off the charts -- he's allergic to dust and this is New York and his immune system bails on him when there's trouble so an ear infection... Is this bothering you?
No.
An ear infection can send us to the emergency room -- maybe five, six times a month where I get whatever nine-year-old they just made a doctor. Nice chatting with you.
His name?
Spencer.
Okay.
So what are you doing with a dog?
Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.
You're not worried that someone might take him?
Well, not until now -- for Christ's sake.
Sorry.
You know he's a little dog. Next time, if Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.
How old are you?
Oh, please...
And if I had to guess by your eyes. I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age... how old are you?
Otherwise, you're not ugly.
Okay, pal... I accept the compliment, but go easy -- my knees start a-knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
Last week I was playing the piano for him and he likes it, and so I decide I'm going to make a little joke...
I'm hungry. You've upset my whole day. I haven't eaten.
This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter I would still be here saying...
Are you totally gone? This is my private home...
I am trying to keep emotions out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me and I have strong feelings about the subject.
What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact... and to prove it I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You're not sick -- you don't look sick... just very tired and bitter.
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother?
Sorry, honey... I'll be right there.
Yeah, yeah... any chance you'll get back to work today?
Uh, Udall?
Carol the waitress?
The doctors had your billing address. I'm sorry about the hour.
I was working... can't you just drop me a thank-you note?
That's not why I'm here... ... though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer...
Note. Put it in the note.
Why did yo do this for me?
To get you back at work so you can wait on me.
You waiting for me to say something? What sort of thing do you want? Look, I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
I don't think I can wait until tomorrow. This needs clearing up.
What needs clearing up?
I'm not kidding.
Okay!!!! Anything else?!?
So you'll be at work?
What's this?
Getting loud, getting loud.
He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore.
So. Anything else?
Yes. I'm going to give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore.
Okay.
Hey, what I did for you is working out?
No... no thank you notes.
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life which you won't read is that somehow you've done more for my mother, my son and me, than anyone else ever has... And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I've ever met and that you be in our daily prayers forever.
Lovely.
Nice of you... thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry... Didn't I say, "what?" I thought I said, "what?"... What?
I want you to go on this trip.
No, sir...
I can't do this alone. I'm afraid he'll pull the stiff one eye on me. I need you to chaperon. Separate everything but cars. You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook.
The stiff one eye?
Two days.
I can't. I work.
You take off when you have to.
My son.
Bettes tells me he's doing fine.
Melvin, I'd rather not.
What's that got to do with it?
Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
Write me a note and ain't she sweet. I need a hand and where'd she go.
Are you saying accepting your help obligates me!?
Is there another way to see it?
Hello?
Are you still coming?
Melvin... I'd like to know exactly where we are going.
Just south to Baltimore, Maryland. So I know what you're going to ask next. That you might ask -- I'm not certain.
There's... there's no need to bring anything dressy... or... I mean -- I didn't know if we'd be eating at any restaurant that have dress codes.
Oh. We might. Yes. We can. Let's.
Okay, gotcha. What did you think I was going to ask?
Whether crabs are in season there now...
Hi.
Thanks for being on time... Carol, the waitress, this is Simon, the fag.
I was going to do that for you.
It's okay. No problem. Where should we sit?
I -- uh, I... Well, there is no place cards or anything.
Thanks, Melvin.
I'm sure, Simon, they did something real off for you to feel this way... But when it comes to your partners -- or your kid -- things will always be off for you unless you set it straight. Maybe this thing happened to you just to give you that chance.
Nonsense!
Hey -- you let him...
... my father didn't leave his room for 11 years -- he hit my hand with a yardstick if I made a mistake on the piano.
That's not true. Some of us have great stories... pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just not anybody in this car. But lots of people -- that's their story -- good times and noodle salad... and that's what makes it hard. Not that you had it bad but being that pissed that so many had it
No answer... Maybe we should just drive there tomorrow. Can I have that one?
My son was outside playing soccer. I never saw him playing ball. Come on, you guys -- take me out for a good time... Take me out dancing.
Stop asking everyone.
No... I'm not wearing that -- and just in case you were going to ask I'm not going to let you inject me with plaque either.
You wanna dance?
I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
And?
No. Wait. What? Why? I didn't mean it. You gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look... just sit down and give it to me.
Melvin, pay me a compliment... I need one and quick... You have no idea how much what you said just hurt my feelings.
That monominute somebody gets that you need them they threaten to go away. Never fails.
That's not compliment, Melvin... That's just trying to sound smart so I feel stupid... A compliment is something nice about somebody else... Now or never.
And mean it...
Two crab dinners and pitcher of cold beer. Baked or fries?
Fries.
I am so afraid you're about to say something awful...
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay... Here I goes... Clearly a mistake. I have this -- what? Ailment... And my doctor -- a shrink... who I used to see all the time... he says 50 or 60 percent of the time a pill can really help. I hate pills. Very dangerous things, pills. "Hate," I am using the word "hate" about pills.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
So how are you doing with those pills? Well, I hopahopahopa.
Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
Never.
You don't owe me that.
Well, ah... that's a personal question.
If you ask me... I'll say, "yes."
There are lots of reason... I had a thought that if you had sex with Simon it might...
Sex with Simon?
It's one idea...
That's why you brought me? Look at me! Is that really why you brought me... Like I'm a what and I owe you what?!
I don't know why I brought you -- that idea occurred to me is all... It came out first... Hey, you kiss him -- me... He says he loves you. You two hit it off. But you don't want to... fine... Forget what I said about sex with Simon. It was a mistake.
I'll never forget you said it.
Sorry, didn't realize she was right there. Did you have sex with her?
Nothing like no choice to make you feel at home.
Let me see... Ahh, gorgeous!
I don't want to hear that music right now.
What do you mean? You said you liked it.
I don't.
This one has a special meaning.
Here are the keys to my apartment. I'm going to park you in my place while I take Carol home.
I'll take a bus.
I'll take you... why not?
Hello.
Yeah... Well...
How you doing?
I can trust my brain.
That seems like a good choice.
I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you.
The two might go together.
See. There's an example. I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now.
Cute.
Okay to say something now?
Go ahead.
I should've danced with you.
Okay. Good-bye.
What do you want, Melvin?
Were you asleep?
What do you want?
'Cause if you were asleep -- I'm sorry. And you could be grouchy.
Grouchy?
... 'Cause of being woken up, and it would make my job impossible. So then I wouldn't even try.
What job?
Were you asleep?
I wasn't asleep!!
What a break...
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
I had to see you...
Because...
Boyfriend?
Oh, come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
It feels a little confined here. Let's take a walk.
See. It's four in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me, if you don't mind.
If you need an excuse, there's a bakery on the corner. There's a shot it'll open soon -- that way we're not screwy -- we're just two people who like warm rolls.
I'm feeling... I've been feeling better.
Hey, I've got a great compliment for you.
You know what? I...
No! It's certainly not. No -- I don't think so. No.
I don't know the last time I've been out of the city... Hey, my arms are tanning. I used to tan great. We gotta stop soon so'se I can check on Spencer.
Do you want to know what happened with my parents?
Yes. I really would.
Well...
I don't blame you... This is a monumental first day out... You sad or anything?
No... Nervous. It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along.
Was this supposed to be your room?
Can you not be violent?
I don't think so. You need help with the pants?
No!!!
I'm going to take a big bath and order a big meal.
Uh-huh...
I'm sorry... are you okay?
Well, considering everything's horrible and tomorrow I have to face my parents... Don't ask me ... I'm sick of my own complaints ... got to get me a new set of thoughts.
Why? What have you been thinking about?
How to die, mostly.
Good night.
I've got to sketch you.
No... Absolutely not. I'm shyer than you think. I give the wrong impression sometimes and...
I haven't even been thinking about sketching for weeks.
Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful... your skin glows.
Thanks. But I just want to take a bath and...
That long neck -- the line of you... you're porcelain... your back goes on forever. You're classic... you're why cavemen chiseled on walls...
We held each other. It was better than sex. What I need he gave me great.
But what about...
One night with me!
I love you... Let him take you home.
What the heck are those for?
No. No. Get Carol.
I'm filling in. We don't know if she's coming back. She might have to get a job closer to home.
What are you trying to do to me?
What the heck do you mean?
Help!
If you want to see me you will not do this. You will make an appointment...
Explain to me how you can diagnose someone as "obsessive compulsive disorder" and then act like I have any choice in barging in.
You said you could help me -- what was that -- a tease?
I can help you if you take the responsibility to keep regular app --
You changed the room around...
I also regrew my beard... but you're not interested in changes in me... so it's like I always told you... when it comes to people you...
Shhhhhhh. I don't have this mountain of available time... I got to get to my restaurant on time. Do you know how hard it is for me to be here?
He's genuinely upsetting, isn't he?
Hey, hey... Haaa... bad but temporary. The nurses say it's much better than you looked three weeks ago... the hand will come back... they're sure...
So, what's new anyway? How's Verdell?
Your neighbor -- Udall -- is taking care of him.
How could you do that? He'll hurt him.
No, I promise... not a chance. I own this guy. There was no one else. I'm on the move too much. Trust me.
You are very certain my dog is okay... because you have no idea...
I'm sorry that I'm not taking you.
Simon, you've got to get dressed.
Definitely a package you don't want to open or touch.
No touch. No touch. No touch.
You may think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but I grew up in Hell. My grandmother had more attitude. You don't intimidate me.
Police! Police! Fucking crooked police... doughnut-munching morons help me! Assault and battery and you're black.
You're taking him... yes... you're taking him -- this will clear the books. One night. You want to say "no" to me? Try... because I've never felt as nuts as I do right this second. I almost want you to try saying "no."
I'm not saying nothing to you.
Hey, where are you going? You can't do this. I can't take a dog. Nobody's ever been in here before.
How's Verdell doing?
Simon's home. I was sort of hoping you could keep the dog until he's had a chance to think and adjust...
It's been five weeks... another few won't kill me.
No. He wants him back. He'll be by tomorrow.
It's not my dog and this Simon seems to have enough on his mind -- but he did throw up twice and his spark is off.
Sure -- take him to the vet.
I did. And his stomach is out of whack. So they need him for a couple of days.
She's nice.
Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing... telling someone, 'no thanks required.'
What?
"What?" Look at you... You sense a mark.
Hey -- you called me... I...
About a dog.
Yeah, but it's all about Simon now... you helped with the dog... And now there are other things. I'm just as concerned as you are about Simon.
Concerned. I'm just the hall monitor here.
It's not only financial assistance. What he's got to do is go to Baltimore tomorrow and ask his parents for money. It's not going to happen on the phone.
Yeah. If his parents are alive they've got to help -- those are the rules. Good.
Yes. And tomorrow? I have a high maintenance selling painter coming through... So I'm out. Can you take him?
Take my car -- a convertible. Do you drive?
Okay... so I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out. We don't enjoy another that much.
If there's some mental health foundation that raises money to help people like you be sure to let me know.
Good evening.
Yes, we do... And I can give you a tie and jacket.
What?
Actually, I don't think so.
Shall I get her for you?
How you doing, great one?
No. Please, don't force him.
Sorry. What are those cards?
Frank's idea. He thought I should have notes so I did this right... maintained focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you.
Terrify me?
The medical bill are 61 thousand now. I've spoken to your parents and they didn't hang up or anything -- they just said they would feel strange calling you.
Frank loves you. You know that... but I've spoken to him and he feels that -- -- as a businessman, with limited resources...
Is he dead yet?
No! Would there be any way for you to be willing to walk his dog for him?
Absolutely.
Not just today -- Uh, could you do it -- until, until he gets back on his feet?
Sure thing.
You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock is a good time. Here's the key in case he's asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he sees God's beautiful work and knows that even things like this happen for the best.
Okay. So you call 911 and don't leave your name -- even a dumb geezer should know that emergency automatically pulls up your name. How come you make a mistake like that?
How come you're pretending to do cop work -- 'cause I don't think you could find your ass if you were spotted the hole.
What?
Just move on. No one here killed him.
Oh, is he dead?
Ask him.
Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey there! Have you seen Verdell?
My dog... you know... I mean my little dog with the adorable face... Don't you know what my dog looks like?
Which color was that?
Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall.
How're you doing?
Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you please.
Yeeeess!!!
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Did you... do something to him?
Do you realize that I work at him?
No, I didn't.
Do you like to be interrupt when you are danging around in your little garden?
No... actually, I even shut the phone off and put a little piece of cardboard in the ringer so no one can just buzz me from d...
Well, I work all the time. So never, never again interrupt me. Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years from now... not if there's fire. Not even if you hear a thud from inside my home and a week later there's a smell from in there that can only come from a decaying body and you have to hold a hanky against your face
Yes. It's not a subtle point you're making.
That's some face they left hanging on you. You look like...
Thank you. Verdell... sweetheart? By the way, thanks for saving me.
I called. I never touched you. I didn't leave my name or nothing.
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
If you'll excuse me I'm not feeling so well.
It smells like shit in here?
Go away.
That cleaning woman doesn't...
Please, just leave.
Where are all your queer party friends?
Nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you?
Nellie, you're a disgrace to depression.
Rot in hell, Melvin.
Well, I'll do one thing for you that might cheer you up.
Get out.
I carry bacon in my pocket.
Oh, my gosh.
Now we'll both call him.
Come on, sweetheart...
Would you leave now, please?
I brought you Chinese soup.
Thanks.
I have never been so tired in my life. Okay, if I sit here?
I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been clear or felt like myself. I'm in trouble. Some son of a bitch is burning my bridges behind my back... But the tiredness -- boy... Not just sleepy.
But sick -- nauseous -- where everything looks distorted and everything inside just aches -- when you can barely get up the will to complain.
I, uh... I was... attacked. Walked in on people robbing me. I was hospitalized. I almost died.
That's very thoughtful.
Well, I always painted. Always. And my mother always encouraged it. She was sort of fabulous about it actually... and she used to... I was too young to think there was anything at all wrong with it... and she was very natural. She used to pose nude for me... and I thought or assumed my father was aware of it.
Not it at all, really.
Do you ever get an erection for a woman?
Melvin...
Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier if you were not...
You consider your life easy.
I get why you're angry. It's no snap to explain why I was like that, but let's not try to do it on the run...
... Now he's going to want to stay. And they'll want to take a ride to the lake or whatever. So it's a good five hours back. It gives us a chance to take it easy and...
What are you talking about? You got real problems.
Good-bye. Well, your luck is holding. They sublet your place. You're homeless. Frank's got a line on another place you can use for now.
Another place where?
I told you to go on in.
I think you gotta camp it here...
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.
They did a nice job... Cozy, huh?
Sorry, didn't know you were awake. I just thought Verdell shouldn't get too used to sleeping in here 'cause then...
You going to come talk to me or not?
What did she say?
I'm a great guy -- "extraordinary"... ... and she doesn't want contact with me. I'm dying here.
Because... ... you love her?
No... and you're supposed to be sensitive and sharp.
Okay... you tell me why -- "You're dying here."
I don't know... Let me sleep on it and figure it out. Because I'm stuck! Can't go back to what I had... She's evicted me from my life.
Did you like it that much?
It was better than this... Look, you, I'm very intelligent. If you're going to give me advice or conversation or consolation or hope, you got to be better than you're doing. If you can't be at least momentarily interesting than shut the hell up. I'm drowning and you're describing water.
Picking on me won't help.
Well, if that's true then I'm really in trouble.
But you know where you're lucky?
Absolutely not.
You know who you want. I'll take your seat any day. So do something... don't sleep on it... go over there. I don't think anybody should ever sleep on anything -- it's not always good to let things calm down.
Hey... I'm charged here. But she might kill me for showing up this late.
Then get in your jammies and I'll read you a story... I think you've got a chance. The only real enemy you have is her ability to think logically -- the best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself if it gives you one chance in whatever -- so go catch her off- guard.
What's wrong?
I can't resist. You usually move through here so quickly and I have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me.
What's it mean?
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be... in here.
Oh God, this is like a nightmare.
How do you write women so well?
Exactly what is your previous experience?
Nothing. I just watch till something strikes me. Do anything you think of -- try different thing. Until I say, "hold that pose." Then just try and comfortably hold it.
The fact that you haven't said, "hold it" means I haven't done it right... is that correct? I haven't done it right?
So you're practically finished, huh?
Wait -- I want to see the painting.
Just a second -- he has to go.
Why are you doing this?
Is there a problem?
No. No problem. The airport, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm a waiter.
Where?
What?
What restaurant?
Uh, Fontella's
So you're from around here?
Where you from?
What is this?
Not too good at small talk, eh?
Look, I'm real tired and I'm not interested in fucking chit-chat.
Why? What happened?
Didn't you here all them sirens? It's been all over the radio. Some guy shot Leevio Valli, and a bunch of bystanders, in the Trattoria Roma.
No shit.
Yeah, it's terrible. I mean Valli, and I don't care what office he's running for, the guy's a crook. He probably had it coming, but all the other people. Real sad.
Yeah.
But they caught the guy. I heard it all. Sounded like he just went berserk, fucking loco. Shooting anybody. Drugs, probably.
Probably.
What are you doing?
What?
That was Peterson back there. That goes to the expressway for the airport.
You're right. Talking too much again.
Yeah well, you just blew your tip, pal.
What? You think I'm running you up?
What are you doing?
Get out. You think I'm running you up? Get out.
You can't --
Sit back. Put your seatbelt on.
No fucking way.
Boy, that's fucking genius. You're a fucking genius. Then you're just sitting there, bullshitting with me. Man, no way I coulda done that!
What's your name? We both know it's not Nicholai.
Bain. Michael Bain.
How long have you been freelance?
Hey. What I don't get was why didn't you take the shot inside the restaurant? I mean you had me, a free shot. That's what I would have done.
It's just a shoot-out then. Sixty- forty, at best. Not my odds.
You don't have to tell me that. It's just, I know my bid was low, but was it too low? I mean, did I seem like an amateur, like I didn't know what I was doing?
Oh! I got a question. Jesus, this has been driving me crazy for years -- shit, listen to me. I sound like some fucking fanboy. I'm sorry, but I just got to ask you. Everybody talks about how you left the Agency and got into the business and then how you went after the Russian, Nicholai Talinkov --
Tachlinkov.
Robert Bain, driving me! Jesus fucking Christ!
After those cops, you'll never be able to come back to Cleveland.
So what happens now?
We go around once.
Okay.
What are you doing?
No, no. Wait. You don't want me to jump. You're going to jump. I'm stuck back here until it's too late. Wham -- over!
How'd you know? Just tell me that. How'd you fucking know?
I knew the same way in ten years you're going to know.
What does that fucking mean?
Listen to me, Bain. Two days ago, you contacted your contractor, who told you that they knew when and where I was going to pick up the transferred money from MicroCell. You don't know how they got the information. It bothered you, but you didn't care. How do I know this? Because ten years ago, I was sitting in that chair, as scared shitless
I ain't scared of you.
Yeah you are and you hate it. You hate the fact that your hand is shaking and mine isn't. That you're sweating your balls off and I'm not. You've got fear and hate in your belly like battery acid, all because of me.
If you think you can take me, quit fucking bullshitting and try it.
Five million dollars?
That's right.
Did you see how I did that? Magic wasn't it?
What?
You understand what's going on? It makes sense, right?
Oh, yeah.
You think I would be an idiot to pass up five million dollars.
You would be.
You don't know a fucking thing about me. You don't have the slightest fucking clue.
Why don't you tell me.
I'll tell you this. After Cleveland, I thought I was lucky to be alive. But now, here, I just realized that you were the lucky one.
Game over, bitch!
I'm on the scent.
Michael?
No. No. No. I don't believe it.
They money will be standard bank transfer. We believe we will know where and when.
Such language in front of a lady.
How in the fuck do you know that?
Hi. Up ahead my boss is in that black limo. We're not sure which hotel we're at, so could you just follow them?
Good afternoon. We have reservations at the Hotel Paraiso in Costa Blanca.
No, no. I said the Hotel Paraiso.
Yes. This is the Hotel Paraiso.
No, the other Hotel Paraiso, in the city. Near the Plaza del Sol.
I'm sorry, sir. A year ago there was a fire in the old Hotel Paraiso. This is the new Hotel Paraiso.
Where have you been, Robert?
Sick. The flu.
Send the file. I'll have the estimate tonight.
What?
Who?
How did he know?
Know what?
I don't know what the fuck you are.
Deadline?
Who is the mark?
Hello, Robert.
The contract?
I have been sitting on a contract from Cleveland for six days because of you.
I know what happened.
I bet you fucking know!
I give a fuck? I'm done! I quit! Do you fucking hear me! I'm fucking gone!
Is this how it went, Nick?
You think this is a fucking joke?
A player?
What?
He has to clean up. How many bodies were there?
Um, five.
Get on the expressway.
Nikita? She helped me find you.
What? How did you know I had a cat?
Took a guess. Lucky for you, I guessed right.
Who the fuck are you? Who do you work for?
I work for the government.
Bullshit.
Yeah.
You're one of them, aren't you? A fucking pro.
Twenty large? That's all?
What do you mean, 'that's all'? What in the hell do you know?
I figure that means these are worth ten times that, maybe more.
Ten million --
Now what?
You want me to pump?
Okay. How did you find me?
You're the computer hacker, you tell me.
Nikita?
You're one of them, aren't you?
'Them'?
An assassin?
Until a minute ago.
What does that mean?
Who is that other guy?
Another contractor.
Someone hired both of you?
No. They hired Bain. The contract would have been mine, but Bain took it from me as he took the previous one.
So this is something between you and him?
He stole the contract knowing that I would come after him.
Why?
Because he is trying to retire me.
He wants to kill you?
Yes.
Why?
The nature of the business. You remove your competition.
And you want to use me to get him?
Yes.
Forget it!
Don't tell me I don't have a choice!
Right.
I'm two seconds away from making my choice which means you've got two seconds to tell me why I shouldn't shoot you.
It's simple. You need me. I need you. And we will both need money.
I don't need you to get the money -- my money!
I don't need the money.
This is something that is never going to end. You can never work in the business again with this contract, because he will find you. To survive, you have to go into deep hiding. And that's going to take money, a lot of money.
Then you can have the disks and I'll just walk out that door --
If you walk out that door, Bain will still come after you.
Why?
Because he took a contract on you. He'll come for you and he'll find you.
You don't know that -- you're trying to scare me.
No. It's the truth. I know what you are. Like me, like Bain, you're a ghost, you're not part of the real world. You don't have a social security number. You don't pay taxes. You've probably used ten different names over the last ten years. A long time ago something probably happened, something illegal and you ran, you disappeared and it was easy. You
How?
Oh Jesus Jesus...
Listen -- I don't even know your name.
Rath. Robert Rath.
Electra.
Just Electra?
Yeah.
As in daughter of Agamemnon?
What I'm trying to say is that -- I'm not sure I can do this, help you, unless I know more about you.
What do you want to know?
No.
Why?
Because I'm done.
With computers.
It's not the same, is it?
Had?
It looks like white's game.
We played with a code using <u>The New</u> <u>York Times</u> obituaries. Over three years we played twelve matches. I never won.
He was... taken.
I killed him.
Why?
Because that's how it works. That's what it's about. He was the best. He was on top.
Where you wanted to be?
Yes. As soon as you get into this business, all you can think about is getting to the top. That's all there is. Until then, there is nothing. You are nothing.
How did you get into the business?
The same way everyone does; the government, the Agency.
The C.I.A.?
More or less.
How old were you?
They recruited me when I was in high school.
Jesus -- why?
Languages. I was already fluent in nine languages.
You were like a boy genius?
Some people said that. I never thought so.
Why not?
I was just different.
You went from high school to the Agency?
No. I graduated from George Washington University. Then I entered the Agency training program.
They didn't give you a choice, did they?
No, they didn't.
But you knew what they were training you for?
Of course. I was going to be James Bond.
Ahhhh...
They are very good at what they do. It's very seductive. The training, the weapons, the travel --
The exotic women.
Women? No... not really.
Why not?
Women... I don't... I don't want to talk about women.
Why?
Because you are a women.
Why did you leave the Agency?
The same reason everyone does. You hear your name on C-SPAN and you realize you're a skeleton in someone's closet and they're coming to bury you.
They tried to kill you?
Yes. It didn't matter much to them as long as I disappeared.
Then you went freelance?
The only thing different about the private sector is that a General Contractor takes less of a percentage than the government, so you make more money. Then once you make the transition, you realize you were never working for the government; it was always the private sector, the vested interests and it's the same vested interests that continue to buy your plane tickets.
Tell me about the first time.
My first take?
Yes.
Why?
Because I want to know.
It was... mechanical. Very precise. It was exactly like the training drill except for the adrenaline.
Are they usually like that?
No. Just the first one.
After that?
They become complicated... messy.
Did it ever bother you?
Did it ever bother James Bond?
That's fiction.
This is fiction! Don't you see that? This is another reality. And the people that come into the world to play this game -- nobody forces them! They're here, they know the rules, the stakes, the risks! Do you understand what I am saying? No one is innocent -- including you!
Is that what you wanted to hear? Something cold blooded... something remorseless...
It. Tell it. For all I know it could be a machine.
You said you didn't trust it.
Do you have a passport?
Several.
Good.
Where is it?
Hey, where are you?
Thinking.
About?
I've never been to the Gulf of Mexico. Is it as nice as they say?
I don't know.
That's where he'll be.
What?
No.
Why not?
It helps me to focus. It centers me, helps me think.
Oh. What do you think about?
Do you think about the game?
Yes.
But you've never figured out a way to win.
No.
Not even a stalemate?
No.
What will you do if this works, if we get the money?
I don't know... maybe I'll live on a boat, sail to all the places I've never been.
I'm kind of tired. I think I'd like to try and get some sleep.
Do you think he's here?
Here?
In Costa Blanca.
What do you think he's doing?
Breakfast.
I know what you are thinking. I'm not going to disappear, okay? I'm not going anywhere, just down there, to that beautiful beach. I got to get out of this room, just for a little while.
Okay.
Really?
He won't be looking for you. Just be careful. Buy a book. Keep your sunglasses on.
You should knock.
Sorry.
How was the beach?
Where did you learn it?
Taiwan.
Not that I would know, but you look like you're really good at it.
Thank you.
I've always wanted to learn something like that.
Two way?
Transmits and receives.
I paid a lot for these.
They saw you coming a mile away. If I had known we'd be using --
It's too late now. Okay? We'll have to deal with these.
This is the bank. This is the hotel. In the morning I will enter the bank.
Check.
He will be hidden somewhere out here, probably somewhere low, in the crowd. He'll stay there until he sees me enter the bank.
But he won't shoot you right then?
You'll be here. A restaurant. A public place far enough away that he won't notice you, but with a good enough view you'll be able to see him when he moves inside.
Okay. Then what?
Then, we wait.
Aiiee. More waiting? I don't know if I like this plan.
The sun will be low, almost dark, the air cool and the bank will almost be closed. 5:45. 5:50. He will put the rifle down, he will get up and he will walk across the plaza to the bank.
Why won't he wait until the bank closes?
He won't be able to. He'll have to go inside. He'll have to see with his own eyes, whether or not I am there. If the bank closes, he won't know for sure. He'll come. I'm sure. And when he does you'll go into the hotel, go upstairs and take the gun.
He can't. The bank has an expensive security system; metal detectors and X-ray machines.
That means you won't have a gun.
That's right.
And with the mikes, I'll tell you when he leaves the hotel and you'll tell me when he leaves the bank.
If things go well, I don't have to. You'll already be in a rented car waiting for me.
You'll have the money. How do I know that you won't --
I'll be walking out of the bank, unarmed. You'll have the gun and I'll drive the car.
We split the money?
Five million apiece. You get on your plane, I get on mine.
Sounds pretty well figured out.
I've been thinking about it for a long time.
Except --
What?
Except, if he doesn't come out of the hotel.
I told you, he will.
You can't know for sure, how can you? I mean, you're not him.
Ten years ago, I sat there in that same hotel window, sweat pouring off of me waiting --
For Nicholai?
Yes.
What is it? I don't like this at all. What is going on here?
I don't know. It just happened. I was here ten years ago, I'm here now. That's it.
I don't believe that.
It wasn't planned or premeditated. I swear. Things happened beyond my control. I understood; I saw where they were leading and I suppose that it just made sense.
Ten years ago.
Yes.
What happened?
I waited until I was insane and then I walked into the bank. He was sitting there, very calm, waiting for me.
What did he want?
He wanted what I want now; to get out of the business. To disappear to some empty Greek island.
What did he say?
He said I couldn't win. That no one wins at this game.
Was that it?
Then he offered me one million dollars to walk away, to quit the business.
You didn't take it.
No. I went back to the hotel. And waited.
Ten years later, here you are again.
Do you have ulcers?
No.
I think I got one today.
Why did you trade a bishop for a knight?
I hate bishops. They're useless. I like knights.
They're worth less points.
Did you think they were newlyweds?
I didn't notice them.
When I first saw them I thought they were married.
How do you know they're not?
I went into their room this afternoon.
What?
It was no big deal. I saw them leave, I went in.
Jesus, if someone had --
Nobody ever sees me.
Why in the hell would you take that chance?
She is married, but not to him. Another man, much older. She has four kids. The young guy works for her. And I think she likes kinky sex.
Thank you.
Isn't it interesting though? I mean, look at us, in this room. Or yesterday, when we were walking in the plaza market. I mean, we look like just another couple. But what are we? Doesn't it seem so crazy?
No.
No?
It's always been that way. The world has always functioned on two levels.
I know. It makes me crazy.
Why?
I don't know. When I was in college, I was forced to go to a psychiatrist because I was caught drilling holes in my dorm room floor.
And you were drilling these holes...?
So I could watch the girl that lived under me.
Apparently this doctor was unable to cure you.
He told me that my curiosity became unnaturally entangled with my sense of self-preservation.
Did he explain how this happened?
What are you doing?
What?
That's a ridiculous move.
Why?
Because, I'll take it.
Can I ask you something?
I'm sure you will.
Yes.
Are you attracted to me?
Yes.
Why?
Why? I don't know.
Is it a physical thing, or a mental thing?
Is that why you didn't want to talk about women before?
I didn't want to complicate the situation.
Attraction is a complication?
It can be.
It happened to you before?
Yes.
Who was she?
Someone like me, like you. A pro.
What happened to her?
She was taken.
Did you --
No. I tried to stop it. I couldn't.
Was she the only one?
After her, I realized that to survive I had to live without... It's dangerous to let things become complicated.
Is this becoming complicated?
Were you attracted to me right away?
No.
When did it start?
Honestly?
Uh-huh.
When I gave you my gun and you almost shot me.
Maybe you should see a psychiatrist.
Why?
That doesn't sound normal.
I'm not normal.
Martin.
Four minutes.
What?
I waited another four minutes.
Shit.
Wait until he is on the stairs.
Right.
I'm taking off my mike.
Okay.
Electra --
What?
Was nice.
He's coming, Electra! Get out now!
I wasn't watching television.
The point is, they are paying for information. Real information. Not tooth paste brands. Not whether he wads of folds his toilet paper. And no 16 hours of recorded phone sex. You are wasting everyone's time with this shit.
I thought it was interesting --
God damnit, Electra. This is not a game. This is business.
Right. In my hands I have five back-up disks he made of all of his work last night.
Jesus! Why didn't you tell me?
I'll make my usual arrangements and expect my usual bonus.
Electra --
Hi. Did you call --
I prefer it like this.
Would you like a drink?
Why are you working today?
You're very good at this aren't you?
That's okay, hon, I always expect the unexpected.
For what?
Do you ever regret things you've done?
Everyone regrets something.
But when you finLsh a job, afterwards do you think about them?
Sometimes.
Do you think about their wives or their families?
Do you ever think about starting over?
All the time.
Then, I'll sail alone.
Do you believe that?
Is that all you want?
Thank you.
How much farther?
Hey, do you mind if I talk a little? I feel like, I don't know, talking I guess.
Sure.
Funny, I've never been a talker. My wife was always getting on me about that. 'Say what you feel, tell me what's bothering you, you ve got to talk to me.' I never would though. Not really.
Why not?
I think I've heard of you.
It's possible.
You're pretty famous aren't you?
I hope not.
I know this may seem like a strange question, but can I ask you how much the contract was for -- not to insult you or anything, I know you're a professional, but just for me, I was just wondering.
It's a common question.
Oh yeah? I guess we still need to see that price tag. Like art, right? You hang some painting that looks like baby-puke in your living room only if it costs a bundle.
A dime.
One hundred thousand? That's it? Jesus... Is that a lot?
Average.
I have been thinking about this for a long while. I knew this day was coming. I knew someday someone would make the call on me. I never thought about anyone that I had whacked. What do you call it anyway?
Taken.
'Taken.' That's nice. When I had someone taken I would call our General Contractor, transfer the money and as soon as I hung up the phone I forgot about them.
Everyone who plays the game knows the rules.
Don't know. That's how it works.
That's what our General Contractor told us but how can you trust someone like that?
Right.
I thought that I would be thinking about Margaret, or work, or that I'd be having these deep, profound and depressing thoughts but I'm not. I'm trying to think really profound thoughts, but I can't. It seems very funny to me.
What are you thinking about?
I'm thinking about Moonpies. Ain't that funny? I haven't had a Moonpie since I was ten years old. Right now, I'm thinking how much I'd love one.
Can I ask you something?
Go ahead.
Everyone handles it differently. Some are ready, some are not.
Do they get down on their knees, begging and crying?
Some.
When I thought about this, that was always there, in the back of my head, that image of me on my knees, crying. It wouldn't go away and it would really upset me. It was something that I could never get away from... but now, I feel it's okay. I feel good.
Can I ask you a question?
Anything.
Why didn't you fade?
You mean quit?
Yeah.
I used to think about it. I had Margaret. She wanted kids. I thought about moving somewhere far away like, Europe. I could see all of that, the first part, the getting away but I couldn't see that next part. 'Then what?' So I'd stop thinking about it and go back to work. You understand?
Look at that. I haven't watched the sun set in a million years. Do you mind?
You wish to close this account today?
That's correct.
How would you like the funds?
American currency.
This will take some time.
Excellent, senor. If you could follow me?
I'm sorry, but I am waiting for an associate. Can you hold everything for me until he arrives?
Of course, senor.
That's true Doug, writers are supposed to write.
What are you having?
A coke, if they have it?
Cheers Katka!
Naz dravi!.....What do you like about this place, these people, Chris?
I don't know. It's kind of underground. Doug's right, there's too much crap in this town.
I used to think he was right about a lot of things but now I don't know. I thought he was going somewhere but now I think I am wasting my time.
So how's your work?
It's okay, they're training me on the cash register and after I hope to work on one of the jewellery counters.
Sounds cool.....Do you think he's serious about squatting a place?
I don't know, I don't care. I see too much of him and he's changed. He used to be busy at the magazine. But now he's been doing nothing for months, like he doesn't care about anything, including me.
Well, he sure seems fired up all of a sudden.
It won't last, believe me. And you, when will you go back to the States?
Your a good guy Chris you deserve a nice girl.
Like you?
He_s the closest we've got to an intellectual.
Fresh from the shrink I'd say!
What is it with that Josh guy? Who does he think he is shoving that Reflections rag down our throats?
Son of the American ambassador and a banker - good enough?
How to make a buck!
Yeah right!....I don't know, something isn't right with this place, it's all too sterile and staged. Do you ever wonder why there's no Czechs here?
Because it's in English?
Yeah, but it's not just that. To the Czech mind, any movement, whether political or literary should be underground. If it isn't, then it's not radical and not worthy of a look-in.
But we are underground?
Inspirations a fickle thing, you don't realise you had it till it's gone.
You guys having a go a me or what?
We're only joking.....It is your round though!
Sorry Katka, but I'm with Doug on this.
What about that squat bar you showed me, is that open on a Sunday?
Anything in it?
No, just crap. I want some picture frames.
I don't have the money for those Bourgeois traps. Hell, I'm making what a Czech earns.
It all comes down to ideology and they've lost theirs. If I'd been here ten years ago, maybe they wouldn't be in the mess they are today.
What's that? Free!
Just because they've got a choice of four McDonalds, doesn't mean they can afford a cheeseburger.
Who's your friend?
Hmm..Smells good. Cheers!
What did the beer cost?
Fifteen crowns.
This place is getting expensive too, used to be twelve.
Oh yeah, what's that?
An alternative literary venue!
I ain't sure poetry will go down too well here.
No, it's the whole idea behind it. How did they get this place?
Squatted it.
Right and not just the bar, Lubosh and his mates took the whole freakin' building.
What we need is a space for real performance art. A cultural exchange for radical expressionism.
He's not drunk, he's crazy.
Maybe, but someone's got to make a stand.
Like Custer huh?
Good news comrades, it's better than we'd hoped. Lubosh filled me in on the legal side of squatting here and it's a piece of cake.
Care to elaborate?
Well, providing we're treated like Czechs and we squat something that's not privately owned, we should be in the clear; at least DOUG until they get an eviction order and bring in the bailiffs.
Amazing, he didn't even say "if".
Okay, we're listening. But I'm with Katka on this one.
Well, it's like I said, there's a ton of empty buildings around here and most of them were apparently given back to the city, so they're not private.... Now, Jahn here is an drama student at the University. He knows of a building that they were going to turn into a puppet theatre - they even began work on it, until they ran out
Puppet theatre, don't you need something a little bigger?
Okay, it's in here somewhere. Let's keep it quiet.
You were right Jahn, it's a great space..... Hey, Chris. Do you want to come and look?
Chris, what if I were to cut you in as partner in this project - together we could make it swing, all it needs is a good clean out and the power on, then we're in business.
I don't know man, I'll drink beer and shoot crap with you anytime, but this is different.
Damn right it is, it's a chance to do something meaningful for a change, to leave our mark on this town. Hell, you'll probably be gone in another six months and all you'll have done is taught some kids the lines to a Led Zep' song - c'mon, don't run out on me now!
Alright I give in. But let's not end up in jail. Okay?
No, I got nothing till Tuesday.
That stinks!
No, but like my dad said, "There's only so many ways you can wire a plug".
He was an electrician?
No, he was talking about girls, I think.
That makes you an expert I guess.
I feel like a mole in this joint, so I guess I might as well come out lookin' like one!
Just two things. What do I use to shift the stuff and where in hell am I gonna put it all?
Scout around and see if there's something, check that other corridor. If there's nothing, nip out and buy a broom and shovel.
And put it on expenses?
Somehow, I'm going to have to band-aid that thing since we can't really replace it and then put a walkway over it.
So?
Well, we might as well start filling it in now. As long as you leave enough room around that end of the pipe - so I can get to it, we're set. Use them wooden boards to stop it all spilling into the space - We'll neaten it up later.
Not bad hey, I think I'll add Sparkie to my resume.....Good shovel!
Yeah, you're in luck there's two of them, the other's in there.
Later Mate, right now I've got to do the locks on these doors so we don't have to climb through that bloody window every time.
I thought that was part of the charm!
I'll drill the locks and replace the barrels, that way it won't cost so much.
A locksmith too? Why d'you ever bother with writing?
I'm making history Chris, nothings going to stop me. There could be a knighthood for us in this, once President Havel hears.
I'll settle for a pardon. You gotta drill?
No.....But I think Honza at the office has. You keep shifting this crap and I'll take care of the locks, shouldn't take long. Take a break for lunch and I'll catch you up later.
And if the police stop by - what do I tell them?
Tell them we're working for the University.
Thought of everything haven't you.
Yep, except a name for this place.
Wow!....What have you been doing, rolling around in it?
No, just making my contribution to cultural enlightenment, that's all.
Well, don't get carried away.
I'll try not to, I'll leave that to you. Anyway, there's still plenty more of it.
No, why?
'cause you stink of booze.
Yeah, that was Honza's idea, I had to buy him a few beers in return for the gear.
I'm an idiot?
Nope, not even close. I've thought of a name for this place and you were the inspiration though.
Really, "The Freeman Centre"?
No....The Asylum!
Oh yeah, what's my connection to that?
None, it's mine - you said it earlier, I'm nuts.
I've been saying that since we met.
Perfect, but I can't use it right now, I've got to get these locks done; it's a matter of priorities.
Yeah, I'm beginning to see that.
I don't know but that used to be a window and I think that was a door.
Can you do the lock on it?
It must be on the other side of this.
But how did the wall get here?
I'd love to get in there.
Don't we have enough already?
It must be fair old size, suppose it's empty?
And suppose a little old lady lives there?
No way, it's sealed - if she's in there she's dead.
Sounds like a good reason to leave it alone.
Well, it's definitely there - We've just got to get to it.
Why, how in the hell are we going to set up a cafe?
I'll rig up something don't worry - Do you think I could bash through with that little hammer?
I don't know Doug, we haven't even got the place together and already you want to extend it.
Look I gotta get going, shouldn't you have met Katka?
Need any disks?
Yeah, her name's Kavlova, why?
See if she can donate some paintings or something to hang on these walls, give it a bit of atmosphere.
Moved on to plumbing huh?
I thought you were gonna throw these?
I had a better idea, we'll burn them. There's a drum across the road; I was just waiting for the workers to go home.
Destroy the evidence huh.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Nope.
Could you handle it if it was in a good cause?
Like helping a sick kid?
No, for the Asylum.
Close!
Just aiding and abetting if it makes you feel better.
What's that, five instead of ten years jail.
Perfect!
It looks new, they might miss one or two.
We're going to need it all.
Jesus Doug, they'll execute us!
Let's split.
Not yet, we need a few lengths of scaffold.
Why don't we just take the whole damn building, brick by brick Doug.
Look at it this way, it's their contribution. If we'd explained it to them, they'd probably have given it to us anyway.
So why didn't we?
Afternoon!
Am I late?
No, not if you've got better things to do.
Like a hand?
Do you think anyone will really come here?
Fancy some lunch after we_re through with this Meccano shit?
We'd better get some booze in for tonight.
You should have said it was Bring-A-Bottle.
Here, let's both put in two hundred crowns. That should get nine or ten bottles of wine.
No beer?
You get the wine and I'll go see if I can rustle up some plastic cups.
Why don't we go together?
Red or white?
I see, you've got your hands too far up your collective arse to pull it out long enough except to drink my bloody wine.
Have you cleared all the rubble up?
No, not yet.
Get me a couple of beers and a salami.
We could make a start on the floor afterwards.
No, We aren't going to do it.
Thanks. Come on Chris, give me a hand.
My God! What happened?
I fell in love.
And a tram hit you?
No, the boyfriend.
What happened to Katka?
Didn't I tell you, she dumped me Monday night.
You Romeo's sure pay a high price sometimes - anyone I know?
Holly!
Couldn't keep your hands off the hired help, huh?
It just happened.
She's as American as apple pie too. Have you figured out exactly what it is you despise about them?
She's cool.
A fine specimen for conversion.
What are you on about?
Don't tell me you really are in love?
Yeah and I got the bruises to prove it. So what?
Chris, can you do me a favour?
What?
Take the drill back to Honza at the office, I promised to get it back for the weekend and I don't want to show my face there.
You might make Henry happy......Sure, I'll do it.
Shit no, it'll be twice cost.
You capitalist pig!
Does Jahn's thing have a name?
It's me you want, I'm responsible for all this.
Chris! Tell me some good news.
Tell me some bad news?
I don't want to ruin your day.
That bad?
Your too good for this town, Buddy.
So I hear.
Huh?
I had a visit from the British Embassy. They think I'm a stray soccer hooligan.
I stopped by your office. Henry was steaming, he says he's going to throw you out of the window and that you never worked at the Bugler.
He got that one right.
They're good guys..... Have you seen Holly?
No, but I ran into Jahn, seems him and his friends are in big trouble with the University, they might even be expelled.
Damn!
Did you see a lawyer and go before a judge?
Yeah. I tell you, they're one big happy family over there.
What happened?
I don't know, I'm waiting for the transcript.
You're kidding.
Well, the trial's in two weeks, but I think they've already sentenced me. They just need to check if Siberia can slot me in.
WE gotta think of something.
Now you're using that word.
You know, there is one thing I can't figure out. All along they've been bugging me about those files and when I told them I'd burned all that stuff, they went nuts - they told the Consul guy they were medical records?
So?
Well, it seems they've dropped any charge relating to the files.
Lucky break!
Maybe, but I've started to wonder what those files were all about. Suppose it was old KGB stuff and had the dirt on big people or maybe the personnel records of the secret police, that might explain all the hassle and the cover-up.
Did you see anything in the files?
It was all in Czech wasn't it.
What happened to those disks I gave you, have you still got them?
Yeah, somewhere?
Suppose those contained all the file info too? You could have a third or so of it there.
Do you want me to see what's on them?
No point, it'll be in Czech and God knows what format. But if I'm right, they could be my ticket out of here.
And if you're wrong.
Siberia.
What do you want me to do?
Get me one of the disks. Ask a Czech girl to smuggle it in to me this evening. Put the others in a locker and write the details in a note to Reuters and be ready to send it, if this doesn't work. You'd better keep clear of your apartment too. Do you know someone with a phone?
Yeah, Dave Walters.
It's...42 56 76 .
42 56 76......... Okay, you wait at Dave's for my call tomorrow, if you don't hear from me by three o'clock, send that note and get out of the country fast.
Doug, I can't just leave you!
If I cut a deal, I'm not staying in this country and I want Holly to come with me. So, if she doesn't come here today, you're going to have to get her to me tomorrow; after I call, promise?
Sure....Anything else I can do for you?
God, I think I need a holiday.
Some deal you did there!
What about me?
Time for lunch I think. I'll get the sandwiches. What would you like Holly?
Yeah, no problem.
I can't go with him.
You don't understand, I can't!
I made a deal with Josh.
What?
It was a condition of getting Doug out.
What are you talking about?
In return for Doug's freedom, I was never to see him again, I had to - it was his only chance.
You mean, Josh's father had nothing to do with it?
No!
You're sure?
Well, he should be on his way back to his apartment by now.
Do you know the way?
Sure, it's on the red metro line you....
No, by road?
Yeah, pretty well.
Take this exit.
That one?
Jesus Holly, we got enough time.
Okay, but I don't want to miss him.
It's that one isn't it.
There shooting at something.
Doug?
Good morning.
I'm just here to record some details, standard stuff.
I don't know what it is with you bloody hooligans. Not content with causing trouble back home, YOU idiots have to go off and wreak havoc throughout the whole of Europe. And when finally, the police do catch up with you, you expect us to wave a magic wand and get you out, well not this time, I'm sorry.
So am I.
Now - Your name is Douglas Greenwell, yes?
Yes.
Date of birth, November the fourth nineteen-sixty-two.
Yes.
Your home address is 18 Thornton Avenue, Coventry.
That's my mum's.
I see, would you like us to inform her of your situation?
No!
Now, have you been read your rights and are you aware of the charges?
No!
Well, I'll try and get that clarified. As I understand it though, the charges include break and enter, theft, trespass, operating an unlicensed facility, vandalism and destruction of government documents - Whatever possessed you to start destroying people's medical records?
They didn't look like medical files to me.
Well a plea of ignorance won't go far here. Frankly, I think you deserve everything that's coming.
Before you go, did you get those bruises here?
Hey, Lawrence how are you doing mate?
Doug, haven't seen you for a while.
I've been around.
Have you met Holly? Josh's friend.
No! Look Lawrence, I've taken over the lease on a theatre downtown and I'm throwing a party tomorrow night to show it off. It's going to be for alternative arts, but I need some help to finish it off, can you put the word out?
Sure. Excellent.
I'd like to talk with you about doing some performance poetry here....A weekly thing.
Hmm, I see possibilities but you got a lot to do.
We should be done by the weekend.
Really?
I could pencil you in if you like?
Turned Czech huh?
Lawrence is getting derogatory again.
Shhhhh, I'm concentrating!
So why don't you get up and speak something, then we will see who is crazy.
Why don't you read something after the break? DOUG What here? Weren't you listening to what I just said?
You used to read.
Well, get me and Chris a drink then.
I'll get the drinks, but not here. Let's split. I can't stand this any more, it's murdering my respect for literature.
But I don't want to go, I am enjoying it.
So what's it going to be, Coogan's or U Vayvudoo?
I'm not staying out late and I can't come back to your place.
A word of advice my celibate friend. These Czech girls look like dynamite and go like it, but don't be fooled; there's a price to be paid and it's going up fast. Right Kat?
What?
It's just talk, he's drunk.
Don't give me this Kat, I'm doing it for you and your country.
What? You are crazy!
Doug I can't, I've got to be at work by eight. You promised to take me home.
I don't want to get in trouble.
I'm not going in Doug. I'll wait for you here.
Doug you said you wouldn't be long. Come on, I've got to go. Now!
It's not fair, you hardly talked to me tonight.
Let's walk over the bridge, we haven't done that for a while.
We should go to the Metro it's quicker.
Kat, I'm in paradise. I don't ever want to leave.
So, we won't be going to London?
I hope you're going to invite me in?
Everybody is at home, it's no good.
She's tired.
I want you so bad. She'll be asleep soon, maybe we could do it quietly under the sheets.
No way Doug, I can't.
Beer please! Do you want another drink?
I think I'm stupid.....All you do is use me and expect me to wait for you.
No.
That's not true, we have a great time together. I've said I'm sorry. Let's forget about it and go stop by my place, so I can get changed.
I could have my choice of many boyfriends and go to movies and discos but I waste my time waiting for you and then going to stupid pubs.
I'm not a bloody teenager okay, I told you I can't do that shit.
That's it, I am just stupid teenager, yes?
No, I love you, really.
Then tell me, what will happen? Tell me!
I thought for sure they would catch me.
Will it help to get you out?
If you get out can we be together again.
I'm no good for you Katka, besides I won't be able to stay in Prague.
But we could go to London and live in England.
I don't understand, it's your home?
There's nothing there for me.
Forget about me Kat.
It was a mistake, I never wanted to hurt you, but it had to end sooner or later and now, well now I love someone else.
No, it's not true, you're lying.
Yeah, for sure.
No, I am an actor not a labourer, I am just warning you, that's all.
Interesting. Do reckon I could fit through here?
Sure, I've done it easily.
Hi, want to take up dancing?
Later. Jahn, I've been let down by the guys who were going to do the flooring. They brought the materials but took my money and ran. You guys have a school theatre don't you?
Yes, The Obelisk but it's closed for repairs.
So I hear, do you know some of the stage hands?
Sure, they are students.
There's three thousand crowns, it's all I got.
It's not so much.
Look, if you can get them to finish it by Friday, you and your friends can do the opening performance that night.
Can we charge admission?
I'll do my best. Is the place open.
Yep, it's all yours.
They'll do it.
Great. And your all set for the performance?
Yeah, it's a simple piece. If they get the floor done in time, me and the others will rehearse tomorrow afternoon, but it's not critical.
No thanks, I must go, but maybe you could get some beers for the guys.
Yes, it's looks good.....We will use this for the soundtrack and we will have two guys up there with the spotlights. The others will just be house lights.
Great....How long will it go for?
About forty minutes.
Okay?
It is okay........We will paint the wood black, yes?
Yeah, great....Dobchay! It will dry, yes?
Yes, of course...maybe one hour.
Tomorrow, we will bring some lights and also hang some fabric. I think it will be finished in the morning.
You mean you don't know, Henry! We got a bunch of anarchists, controlling a six-level block of luxury apartments down on Janovska street here in the Old Town, and you don't know about it?
Ah, so what?
Henry, these guys already push most of the drugs in this town and now they want to move into pornography, right? Believe me, it won't stop there either, next it'll be a church and pretty soon they'll have their own department store or something...... Henry, we've got to stop them. The foundation's got to put an end to it!
How?
I'm in close with these guys, it isn't easy, but slowly they're opening up to me. Give me a month and I'll blow their movement wide open.
A month, Jesus! And how do I know you're not crapping me?
You can hold back this months pay-check until I come through with the story.
What pay-check? You ain't done nothing!
Henry, I've been working my tail off on this. Look, all I need is a little cash to loosen up some tongues and you've got the scoop. It'll send those scum-bags down for life; be a big feather in the cap for the Bugler and your board of directors back home!
I got a bad feeling about this.... How much do you need?
There's three thousand and if you don't come through, I'm going throw you clean out of that window. Deal?
And take Jiri with you?
What for?
Any chance of getting me out on bail?
Will they free me?
I don't know - maybe they are talking about it now. Mr Vitovetch is a good friend of the Judge.
Will this thing take long?
No, it should be over soon.
You mean it's started?
Of course, you can see that lady over there, she is recording everything.
How do I know what's being said?
No act of love but willing violence demanded by one and begged by the other. As life turned to fantasy and reality to ecstasy a need, so deep no light could reach, surfaced like a nocturnal creature unearthed for momentary and glorious display. Left alone in a rose-tinted afterglow dimming fast she tasted the moisture of her body and wondered why light came to
I'll put one on the notice-board too.
Am I invited?
I thought I'd help out.
We don't need you.
Alright, go help Chris shovel up the last of the crap.
Seems a shame!
Why are you doing all this, what for?
Well, I've failed at everything else I've done and I can't hack it as a journalist, even for the Bugler.
What's the Bugler?
It's a student magazine networked through Eastern Europe and funded by Republican do-gooders back in the States.
I figured you more as a Socialist?
I moving more to Communism now it's dying out.
A champion of lost causes huh?
No, I'm just running scared, same as everyone else.
We_re not all running away
Shall I wash these out?
Is it dry?
What would you like, beer?
No, just a coffee.
I'd better get you to a hospital.
It's all my fault, I'm so sorry Doug.
I had it coming from someone.
Who you saving the dishes for?
Don't you have a girlfriend?
I'd better get going, do you need a hand to get into bed?
Did you take your things over to my place?
Uh-huh!
Run into Josh?
Yeah, but it was okay.
Better than you.
Hmm, I still owe him.
Why don't we both forget about him?
Head the flyers up with Asylum and then put Debut of....Psychosis, Theatre experimental. That'll cover us if it flops. On the bottom put seek Asylum where the stars shine on Betlemska.
Weren't you going to get some glasses?
Where did you steal the car?
It's Josh's.
This is your doing?
Yes, they had nothing to do with it.
And you broke into that room?
That's right.
You will wish you hadn't.
Why did you break into that particular building?
It was the biggest I could find.
What was the real purpose behind this venture?
A kind of freedom.
Enjoying our hospitality?
No!
We'll have to see what more we can do for you, while you are still our guest.
Thanks, but I don't intend to stay.
Really!
Good try Mr. Greenwell but a little late. We have analyzed the contents of that drum, the remains of the disks are there, just as you said.
You are playing a very dangerous game, I suggest you make it easy on yourself and tell me where they are.
What is it you want?
I'm not sure it's possible.
And the students?
I have the Director's word, there will be no action against them. You may go once we have the disks.
How do I know this isn't a trap?
You have the letter and my word, if you wish you may wait upstairs....Now, where are the disks?
I'll need to make a phone call.
Would you like your things now?
Yeah!
Central station, locker number 139 - combination JFK.
We had a deal!
That's okay I like the metro, it's only a couple of stops from here.
Hey Doug, where you been?
No, just a drill.
A drill, what are you up to?
Nothing. I've got to put up some kitchen shelves that's all. You've got one haven't you?
Yeah.
And a fifty foot extension lead?
You don't have fifty foot of apartment!
Sure!
Give me a break, will you. How often do I ask you for something?
Okay, Okay, but I want it right back. It belongs to my father.
No problem, is it at your place?
Great, let's break for lunch and I'll buy you a beer on the way.
But I have to finish this....
So, he didn't fire you?
When the hell did you write that?
Just yesterday.
Shit Honey, you could've told me. People might think it's about us!
All I'm saying Honey is run the thing past me for Christ's sake before you get up and broadcast the crap.
I decided to help out at the Asylum.
Josh!
Yeah, so I hear. Don't you think you should go get changed?
Later.
I think we should be going honey.
What for?
Well, for a start, you've got to get cleaned up.
I don't want to go.
Come on Holly!
That's my bag.
Go to hell!
It's more than what you're worth.
You bastard!
Shall I look after the rest?
Honey what a pleasant surprise, sorry to keep you waiting.
Josh, I have to speak you, it's urgent.
Of course Darling, you'd like to apologise?
So, what have you got to say for yourself? Was he good in bed?
Josh, I need your help. Doug's been arrested, he's in big trouble. I thought maybe your father and the Embassy might be able to do something.
Will you come home and forget all about him?
Yes, if you can get him free.
Why are there still such headlines?
This press we cannot control. Americans, I think.
You know everyone can be controlled Pavel. Where are you storing the personnel files?
In a building belonging to the University in the Old Town.
You are quite sure it's secure?
The files are in a sealed room and the University are under strict orders to stay away.
You are responsible...What has happened?
What are you an idiot!
The building has been occupied and the locks have been changed.
The University cannot do this. Is the room safe?
So, who is in the building?
Have you lost all control of this city?
I don't understand it, there were a lot of people there last night, many Americans, I believe we should move carefully.
It was crazy not to have destroyed them
That was not my decision, I can only guess that one day we will again be active and our honour restored. In the meantime no one else must know those files exist. Secure the building and I will arrange alternative safe storage immediately.
And what of these foreigners?
And there has been enquiries from the American Embassy maybe they are involved?
All the more reason to eliminate him.
What if his accomplices have made copies?
Delay Mr Greenwell's departure until the disks have been located and you have notified me. Then, have one of your officers drive him home - I'll see to the rest.
Very well.
So go dance.
With you.
She's coming over here...
That's one girl who can't take a hint.
She asleep?
Pictures from the play. Jamie looks pretty --
I'm sorry about how we --
No. You're with who you should be. It's like she chose you.
And I have no idea why.
What if they expel you?
Kelly wouldn't do that.
Why not?
I'm not hanging. I'm fixing my car --
You don't need a car you can't drive for a month. Go see Marvin.
'Bout what?
Your father dropped off an extra check.
I don't want his money.
It could help with a new car --
Out with Belinda?
That's over. Way over.
You saw him?
We talked. He wanted to get a bite -- after. I said no.
After he moved out, I invited him to every practice, every game, every parent-teacher conference you ever had. He didn't show, not once.
He wants to show now.
You look nice. I should have dressed.
You're fine like that, Mom.
There's hot cider in the kitchen.
Thanks.
I haven't seen Clay or Eric lately.
To see your father?
A late night or an early morning?
Late night. You?
Were you with Jamie?
Yeah.
Honey, some of this is... farfetched. You take after me. People skills and common sense. Good dependable qualities.
I could take after Dad, too.
You do. You're handsome and charming.
I meant he's a doctor.
That's eight years of school and training -- after college. And all that doesn't necessarily make you a better human being.
I could do it if I tried. Even Kelly thinks so.
But if it doesn't happen, grab for something within reach. Life's tough enough without causing yourself disappointment --
Have I told you how proud I am of you -- ?
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
I told him to leave me alone.
Landon --
I have no idea what to say. How to act. What if I do the wrong thing?
What are you doing here?
He wants to talk to you.
Now it's okay?
Everything's being done but it's not enough. I have to find something -- more.
Where is he? He's supposed to be here.
I'm thinking.
Hypotheticals --
Don't call him a dipshit.
You do --
The address?!
Deranged.
She's like some Puritan.
Belinda's telling everyone that kiss was real.
And that you're scamming on Jamie Sullivan.
Landon!
Say nothing. Nothing 'bout her.
Who are you?
Landon Carter. I was driving the car that --
You.
I'm very sorry --
Get yourself a glass.
He goes to my father's church. He could've died --
-- This your idea of small talk?
I don't make small talk --
Because, growing up, books were my world.
Were?
You don't know me.
Your book and your brown sweater and your hair. What's more to know -- ?
You mean care what you say? I'm worrying about other things.
Like what? The moons of Jupiter?
Can't you have a normal conversation?
I don't want to have any conversation.
'I hope your dreams come true.'
'They won't.'
'Is it really me?'
You're like this fly, buzzing buzzing everywhere --
-- This play means a lot to me.
This play -- ?
That's deep --
-- Your act only works with an audience.
I know you don't want help.
Yeah.
Why?
Fire is like a living thing. Wild. Unpredictable.
Like me.
What the -- ?!
What's with the friggin numbers?
28 is do something illegal. 42 is befriend an enemy.
I'm an enemy?
The reason I got the part... I'm a little like Lizzie. Except I don't worry about some man rescuing me.
You got some kind of list?
Are you asking to mock me or do you really want to know?
I'll take a chance.
Go for it.
So what else is on this list?
It's private.
Get very wasted. Lose your virginity --
Spend a year in the Peace Corps. Make a medical discovery --
Like you'd know.
No problem --
I'll get something for us to drink --
I know. Don't say anything.
He's a softy. Got him wrapped around my finger.
You think so.
Because I try to be nice to people?
Yeah. Maybe. I dunno.
Cuz it's dark and quiet and you can see into another world.
The world of the dead?
What is that?
Saturn. Beautiful.
Before Voyager we expected maybe a dozen rings --
But there are thousands of them, made of floating ice --
Maybe debris from a moon that broke apart.
Looking for intelligent life?
Do you believe you'll see your mother again?
I'm building a larger one to see the nucleus of Haley's Comet --
The dirty snowball at its core.
Yeah. I'm probably not going to be around next time it comes.
You're really into God, right?
In ten words or less?
Yeah.
My relationship with God is my own.
But you think about Him -- It -- Her.
Like in a church painting. I see this giant hovering over the ground. He's wearing a robe, and has long flowing hair, and he's pointing his finger at something.
Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do?
No.
I know there's a plan for everyone, but sometimes I don't understand what the message is -- or what the point is.
You have to believe to have faith.
You don't believe in anything?
The Bible. Why should I read a bunch of dumb stories about some ancient guy who supposedly worked miracles.
Interpreted by another guy like my father.
He doesn't trust you.
The play's going to be really good.
You're not in a very good mood.
The play's in a couple of weeks.
Oh. Just not at school...
Yeah --
Or anywhere where people might see us.
Belinda's a very jealous person.
So it's like you want to be secret friends.
That's it! Exactly! You're reading my mind --
He okay?
You were great the other night.
I haven't been nice to you.
People can see.
Maybe you inspire me.
All of it.
It's not.
Okay. Maybe some of that is true --
You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend --
I don't want to be just your friend --
You don't know what you want --
You don't either. Take a look at yourself. Maybe you're scared that someone might actually like you --
And why would that scare me?
It's a start.
So you're talking to me?
What does that mean?!
Hey.
She great or what?
Why are you doing all this? To impress me?
Like fire.
What?
Yes. But not as a date date.
Why not?
I can't believe you asked my father's permission.
Is there a rush?
I have to get you home by one.
It's only 7:30.
Your turn.
No.
Before we do this.
We're doing something -- ?
It's about working with what you already have -- right now -- at your fingertips -- you know, spontaneously.
Excuse me?
The cells in our bodies are always changing. In six or seven years all your cells have changed. You could be like a completely new person from the inside out.
Stand right here.
You're acting like a crazy person.
It's places like this that make me certain there's a God.
You're sometimes not sure?
We can measure wind.
Uncertainty makes you uncomfortable.
What do you actually know with religion?
I don't understand...
I might do it wrong.
You make me feel...
Loved?
Assholes. This happen to you?
What's wr--?
Come on.
Where?
How do you know this place?
From here he proved to me the earth isn't flat. On rainy days, we'd be above the clouds.
What would you do up here?
What'd you tell your father?
When did you build this?
It's an alt-azimuth design with one parabolic mirror and one secondary flat one.
Where's the one you're building?
So what do you want to see?
Mars.
A Thermos of hot coffee. A blanket. Socks.
You planned this --
Are you trying to seduce me?
Ergo?
What about your father?
What's the best thing I can see tonight?
Can you locate XXI5639I?
Here. Why am I looking at this star?
From citizen high to citizen low.
I don't care.
Care, but just don't let it get to you. It gives them power.
That what you do?
One of your secrets.
You're worried about your college applications.
You're going to take a year off? Join the Peace Corps -- ?
No.
What are you going to -- ?
Pull over.
Jamie --
I'm sick.
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm so sorry. I'm a coward --
I should have told you sooner --
I made you do too many things, kept you up all night --
Are you frightened?
Help me live until I die?
Nope.
Anything you want.
Slim Jim? Apple? Yogurt? You like yogurt.
What are you thinking?
That I want you to take me home.
Now? We just --
I've talked to your father.
Whatever you need. Whatever Jamie needs. I'm here. I could start by driving her to school --
You know how to waltz??
How you doing?
'What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.' Aristotle.
Lower. Same page.
'Love is always patient and kind. It is never boastful or conceited -- '
How're you doing?
It's gone now.
Because you have hope that you'll get better?
I'll talk to your father.
Can I -- go out?
Will you do something for me?
Landon. I can't even do for myself.
But if you could, you would?
The Carter boy. Tell me about him.
By accident --
Jamie, he's careless. Reckless. Is this really the best time to be making a new friend...?
I'm supposed to always be alone?
I don't want you to see him outside school activities.
I'm sorry your mother isn't here to help you become a woman.
What's Landon Carter up to?
Up to?
Did you give him a gift?
No.
I saw the way he looked at you. The way he kissed you.
It was a play.
Boys like him have -- expectations.
I'm asking how much.
Dad --
Maybe. But that's not the real reason. You think if I tell, he'll disappear and that's what you want! Me all to yourself!
No. I want what's best for you.
No you didn't. But he did change. Just not enough.
Jamie, you're not mad at me. You're mad at Landon --
I am mad at you! And at Landon! And the universe! And God! I don't even know where to put all my anger.
That's normal. God accepts your anger. He won't punish you.
When Mom died you told me God wanted her more, loved her more --
You're in the play?
Apropos of nothing... so. So so so so --
Reverend Sullivan. Can I ask you something?
Does it have to do with Jamie?
I'd like to take Jamie to dinner on New Year's Eve.
I care for her.
This week.
Landon. You're not the quiet type.
No.
So talk to us about something.
Like what, sir?
How about your family?
We didn't tell him any different for years --
Your parents are divorced?
Since I was five. My mom's a cocktail waitress.
How do you -- the two of you -- get by?
Materially or spiritually?
It's her decision and she's decided not to tell people -- at least for now.
Her doctors have. Jamie and I. We're still praying for a miracle.
Praying.
Landon. We've lived with this for over a year now and --
Landon. You go on home.
I'm not tired.
I've almost finished the rocker. Did she order mirrors?
You have materials for the side bearings?
I'm using an old phonographic turntable.
You know about this stuff?
I helped Jamie with the first one.
I thought she built it herself.
You've been well?
Yes. You?
You're marrying again.
Yes.
I'm sorry she never got her miracle.
Like you'd make it to June. Even cutting half your classes, you have a B- average.
I'm no dummy.
Now I can do what I want.
Finding the real world to your liking, Mr. Carter?
You could grace our hallowed halls again, if, while you're here, you make a sincere effort to be part of our little school community --
I'd do that --
Shall I give you a few ideas?
Please.
Besides attending all your regular classes, I'd like you to help our janitorial staff after school --
For pay?
For the inner satisfaction it will bring. Saturday mornings, I'd like you to tutor disadvantaged students at our sister school --
Finally, I'd like you to join the drama club. Rehearsals are Tuesday and Thursday evenings.
I'd work backstage or something?
Or something. They're doing a play for the holidays.
When do I get time for me?
Landon, none of us faculty see you the way you see yourself. Some of us remember how your father --
No way. No thanks. I can't do it --
For Jefferson High. For books.
Where did you get -- ?
It's mine to give. I didn't steal it.
Your grades for fall semester. They're -- good.
You came here to give me my report card?
I'd gladly write you a letter of recommendation.
Thank you.
Am I at the same angle to you and the basket as before?
Yeah.
So what did we just make?
A similar triangle?
What else? What kind of triangle has three sides of different lengths.
Scalene?
Well, well, he smirked when Marty opened the door. If it isn't the neighborhood bootlegger, Al Capone McFly?
What do you want, Biff?
Show me some respect, you little asshole. It's Special Officer Tannen to you.
The day I show respect to Biff Tannen will be the day I win a million dollars... What's the matter, Biff, they're not showing you any respect down at the golf course? Don't they realize what a tough job it is keeping the criminal element away from the country club?
Listen you little Asshole, I oughta --
What do you want, Biff?
This... is the number one single?
Yes, sir!
I don't get it. How come there's no rock 'n roll?
I beg your pardon?
This is 1952....?
Uh, yes, sir...
And you never heard of rock 'n roll?
Morning Dick.
Marty. What's for breakfast?
Hot tip, Rubber Biscuit in the third race at Arlington.
Dick, what's with those guys out there in the gutter?
What's N.R.C.?
I've been calling you for five minutes! Didn't you hear me?
How was school today?
Fine.
Learn anything?
Oh yeah.
You mean you're going to stay up all night?
Mom, how else are we gonna see the sunrise?
How old are you?
Here's your jacket!
It's polyester.
Huh?
Hi, Marty.
You remember me...?
How could I forget? Oh, sure, I remember you.
Well, I was on my way to school, and I just wanted to stop by and see if you were feeling okay. You seemed like you were in pretty bad shape the other night.
Then you'll be going to school here....?
What time does school start around here?
Nine o' clock. Oh, I'm late! Maybe I'll see you later.
George! He's supposed to ask you to the dance!
But he didn't ask me.
He comes out of the cafeteria line, he's nervous, he spills his corn, and he asks you to the dance!
Hi, Marty!
Are you all right, Marty? You seem a little...nervous.
I'm usually nervous myself on first dates...but not tonight. It's funny, but somehow, I feel like....like I know you.
Well, Eileen...jeez, that's hard for me to say. Have you ever been in a situation where -- well -- you know you have to act a certain way, but when you get there, you don't know if you can go through with it?
I think I know exactly what you mean.
Now, George! Dinner's ready now!
By the way, that reminds me... Saturday night we're taking Grandma Stella out for Chinese food.
Eileen, Chinese food again?
Is that what you were going to ask me, George? To go to the dance?
Uh, hi, Eileen.
How are you?
Dad, you seen the drill?
What drill?
Fine..
Learn anything?
Oh yeah.
No, Chinese food is fine.
The sunrise? What for?
You've gotta ask her to the dance!
George, she's beautiful, right? She's nice, she's decent, she's the kind of girl you'd like to marry, right? And there's nothing in the world you'd like more than to take her to that dance, right?
Well... yeah...
What do I say?
Oh, no! That was for the cafeteria! This is different!
Christ, it's a miracle I was even born!
Huh?
What is that? A pencil that writes in ink?
It was Marty's turn to be confused. Huh?
'Bike fine point?'
I don't want to hit you in the stomach!
You're not gonna hurt me. Just hit me in the stomach.
How many times do I have to explain it to you?... We know you're not a fighter. You know it, I know it... but she doesn't know it. That's why we gotta make you look like a fighter, somebody who'll stand up for her, somebody who isn't chicken. And you're not gonna look like a fighter if you can't hit me in the stomach.
But I've never picked a fight in my entire life!
You're not picking a fight, you're coming to her rescue. Maybe we'd better go over the plan again. Where are you gonna be at 8:55?
I'm going to be at the dance.
And where am I gonna be?
Okay. So right around 9:00 she's gonna get very angry with me -
Why?
Why what?
You mean, you're gonna --
Your line, George!
Oh. Uh... 'Hey, you! Get your damn hands off her!' George paused. You really think I should swear?
Maybe if I used my left....
You'd like to see a nuclear holocaust?
Not a holocaust --
You know damn well that's not what I meant.
Yeah, explode it up your ass!
Unfortunately, the way things are going, you may get your wish. You may see the entire annhiliation of the world. If not, you'll certainly see the destruction of all out natural resources. We can already see the air we breathe, not to mention the pollution in our rivers and lakes. We'll see all of our oil reserves depleted, in fact, all of our energy
Yes, that's my name. Who are you, young man? Are you supposed to be here?
You have a name?
Who, me?
You're the only Mr. Lewis in this class. If you have something to say, say it so the whole class can hear.
Well, yeah, I was thinking, if cars are gonna be going two or three hundred miles an hour, they're gonna be using an awful lot of gas. Like, what if we run out?
Operator...
Operator! Listen, this is an emergency! I have to make this call, but I don't have a dime -- all I got is a nickel -- but you gotta connect me --
Sir, it only costs a nickel.
What?
Oh -- right! Uh, Madison 3489.
I'm sorry, there's no answer.
Operator, what's today's date?
March 11th.
What year?
Good evening, one said. Agents Reese and Foley, from the Nuclear Regulatory Commition. Mind stepping over here?
What, am I radioactive or something?
Been any place unusual in the past twelve hours?
Okay, Martin. You have a good evening now.
What?!
Professor Brown! It's almost eight thirty -- I'm outta here!
The power of a million hydrogen bombs! ...and we get twenty four measly volts. It's not fair! I've been working on this power converter since 1949, and you'd think in all that time, I could find the right chemicals that would efficiently convert radiation into electric energy! But no! Thirty three years of dedication and research, and all I've got to show for it
That reminds me, if we could scrape up enough for a 35 film chain, I've got a connection with a projectionist in a first run house -- we could be sellin' new movies on the street before they're even in the theater.
Did you ever consider that some doors are locked for a reason?
Nope. The way I figure it, doors are made to be opened. See you after school.
Eight thirty.
AM or PM?
Pro, the sun's out!
Oh, right, right...
Catch you later!
But Professor --
No, Marty. Shemp's molecular structure is completely intact!
Then where the hell is he?
The appropriate question to ask is when the hell is he! You see, Shemp has just become the world's first time traveller. I've sent Shemp into the future -- two minutes into the future to be exact.
The future? What are you talking about? Where's Shemp?!
Shemp is right here in this room...two minutes from now, and at exactly 9:02PM, we'll catch up to him.
A time machine! Because of that Coke?!
The plutonium! That's what I came over here for! Professor, where did you get that stuff?
Exactly two minutes difference... and it's still ticking!
Of course. Shemp is unaware that anything even happened, other than his stool suddenly falling over. We had to wait two minutes to catch up to him, but for Shemp the trip was instantaneous.
A gold mine?
Marty, that would alter history.
So what? We'd be rich!
All I know is you're throwing away an awful lot of money.
The future, Marty, the future is everything! I built this machine to see the future. So I am going to send Shemp twenty-four hours into the future. You can assist me, if you like.
Professor? Professor Brown?
Professor, you time machine works! It works! It sent me back in time! I'm from 1982!
He will be. Simple inebriation, is all. The young man must have a rather low tolerance for alcohol... something that runs in the family. You see, he's a second cousin of mine on my mother's side. Came quite a distance to visit me, he added. His name's Lewis.
Marty.
Jeez -- this is where you used to live, huh? You must have been rich!
Must have been? Used to live? I do live here.
Well, there's a mall here now -- I mean, there will be.
A mall?
You've convinced me that you must be who you say you are. No living human has ever seen this machine. But why? Why even in my twilight years would I remotely consider sending someone back in time?
You didn't, Professor. It was an accident! You see, what happened --
Pardon me?
On second thought, there may be some things you'll have to tell me.
The power converter...
Well, Professor, are you sure you want me to tell you? You know, changing the course of history and all....
How did you know?
Professor. Well, not exactly, Professor. You see, we don't point it at the sun.
4200 rads... That certainly can't be generated under controlled conditions in this day and age.
You answered the door!
I told you not to interfere with any of the events of this time! Nobody's supposed to see you here! What if I was a mailman? Or a salesman?
What if you lost your keys?
Then I would have figured out to get back in through the events in the natural course of history! Don't you understand? The fabric of history is very delicate. Anything you do could have serious consequences!
Hey, look, gimme a break! All I did was answer the door! How's that gonna change history?
Let me put it on a level you can understand. You don't belong here. You don't know anything about this world. You don't know the customs, you don't know how to talk, how to act -- you don't even look like you belong here. And if you walked out on the street, you wouldn't get 100 yards without being arrested. Then there would be
An atomic bomb.
Professor, be serious, would you?
I am serious. If we could get you, the time machine, and the power converter in the vicinity of an atomic blast, we could send you back to the future.
You're talking crazy! An atomic blast would melt me and the time machine in a matter of seconds!
Say, where did this guitar come from?
Oh -- that -- I found it in the closet.
I don't recall ever seeing it before.
Well, it was there.
I know.
Look, it's not a big deal! I can fix it! All I gotta do is get 'em together and make sure my old man asks her out!
Where did you get this?
The test is this Monday! 15 megatons... Let's see, we need 4200 rads... You'd have to be...exactly 800 yards from ground zero... You realize that what we're going to do could be extremely dangerous.
Your 'mother' wanted me to tell you that she was very impressed by what you did this afternoon, and that if you were interested in going to the dance Saturday, she's available.
But that's impossible!! George asked her out! He had to! I saw him walk her home! Oh, God!
My guess is that she turned him down.
But why? Why would she do that? She's supposed to marry the guy!
Apparently, what has happened is that the maternal instinct has transcended the gap of time and this has caused an alteration in your mother's emotional behavior.
In a manner of speaking, yes. And because of that, she's no longer interested in your father.
That's all taken care of.
Look. I'm a little worried about this -- this whole thing with my mother, he admitted to the Professor. I mean, I don't know if I can do it -- I mean, hitting on my own mother, that's pretty heavy.
Nobody said anything about hitting her! You're just going to take a few liberties with her.
That's exactly what I said! I mean, a guy and his mother -- that's illegal, isn't it?
Look, Marty, she's not your mother yet. And if you don't go through with this, she may never be. I know it's hard, but there are some things we must do in life that are unpleasant. Some choices must be made that are difficult. Nonetheless, we must make them. Besides, this may be more than a simple question of your own existence, he added.
That's just what I needed to hear.
It'll be fine, Marty. You'll be fine. Good luck. He stuck his hand out and Marty shook it. But there was still a question that was nagging at him...
There's no way of knowing.
Perfect...
You didn't?
Nope. My father's never clenched a fist in his entire life!
It was sure nice of Uncle Sam to put those yardage markers up for us.
Thanks for everything, Pro.
Marty, I know I've repeatedly asked you not to tell me anything about the future, but....well, those loud bangs on the tape recorder....are they....
What year is this?
Hop in, Marty, . We've got a long drive ahead of us.
What do you call this?
You see, I never rebuilt the time machine after it was destroyed in 1952. I decided that experimenting with time and possibly changing history was too risky. Anyway, experiments in time travel were banned in all 87 states after the governor of Cuba caught Dr. Felstien fooling around in the Bermuda Triangle -- that was back in '64.
But if you didn't rebuild the time machine, how did I go back in time in the first place?
Obviously!
But I told everyone your disappearance was due to a teleportation experiment you were helping me with. So don't mention anything about time travel to anyone.
What theater was I at?
Pretty, isn't it?
Uh, yeah... Gimme a Tab.
What?
Sweet and what? Maybe you'd better pay for this first.
Look, maybe I'd better talk to Dick. Is he around?
Dick? Dick who?
Now who's being stupid? The guy who runs this place.
I run this place!
What happened to Dick Wilson?
...He just lets himself get pushed around all the time! People walk all over him and he never fights back, never stands up for himself.
No self confidence, I guess... At least you don't take after him.
Can you imagine your parents in bed together?
No way!
Me neither. I've always wondered whether they slept together before they got married. You think yours did?
Hell no! The way my mom carries on about sex -- you even mention the word and she goes into cardiac arrest. You shoulda seen her face when I told her we were gonna stay up all night Saturday, he added. Always afraid something is going to happen.
Suzy!
Hi, Marty!
What did you do to your hair?
Hi. where's Cato?
Well, he's gone.
Gone?... Where?
He said not to tell.
Oh yeah?
No... You go in there, I'll have to kill you.
What's going on?
Nah, skip that... I'm going to have to keep an eye on you, though.
Okay.
You promise to stay down there for an hour?
Yeah.
Catch!
How you doing, Cato?
What you been doing?
Running this place for a fella in town. Nothing much to speak of.
Where'd you get them antlers?
Yeah, I guess.
That's what he told you, huh?
Kit... Maybe I'd better get a shovel.
Okay.
I'll catch up with you.
Don't you ever get bored around here?
What'd they look like?
That your spider in there? In that bottle?
Yeah.
What do you feed him?
Oh, flies... grasshoppers when I can catch 'em.
Does he bite?
You ever held another job before?
I used to throw trash for the City.
You lost that one?
Wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
What kind of work do you think you would be qualified for?
Oh yeah?
We did it, Ray.
Say, what kind of rifle was that you were shooting at me?
Thirty aught six.
You ever had to open it up like that before?
Kit... Kit, I've got a question for you.
Mmmmm.
You like people?
They're okay.
Then why'd you do it?
Hey, listen, Tom, I don't mean to tell you how to run your show here but these cuffs are pinching. What do you say now?
I need to get your signature on some papers here, Kit.
Well, I've got to read them first. Suppose I could get a Coke while I do?
Holly's over here, Kit, if you want to see her.
Well, Kit...
Tom...
Good luck to you.
Thanks.
I mean it.
Sure is pretty.
What'd you come out here for?
You know, before I met her, nobody could ask me how I was doing with my girl. Matter of fact, I didn't really have one.
Is that right?
Listen. I got a lot of respect for her, sir. That's about as good a one as I know to tell you.
Well, it's not good enough. Just what do you think would happen to her if she stuck around with you, Kit? Guy like you.
Hi.
What're you doing?
What do you think you're doing? Go on, get out of here.
What for?
For coming onto my property... With a gun.
No, you're not either.
Yeah? Why not?
What's going to happen to Jack and me?
You have to ask Kit. He says frog, I jump.
Okay.
What's your friend's name?
Jack.
You love him?
I've got to stick by Kit... He feels trapped.
Yeah. I can imagine.
Hi, I'm Kit. I'm not keeping you from anything important, am I?
No.
Well, I was just messing around over there, thought I'd come over and say hello to you. I'll try anything once. What's your name? I said mine.
Holly.
Listen, Holly, you want to take a walk with me?
What for?
Oh, incidentally, my last name is Carruthers. Sounds a little too much like "druthers", doesn't it?
It's okay.
You still in school?
Nah, I got me a job.
Doing what?
That's my father. I got to run.
Well, I know what my daddy's going to say.
What?
Can I be honest?
Sure.
Well, that I shouldn't be seen with anybody that collects garbage.
He'll say that?
Yeah.
Now what's he know about garbage, huh?
Nothing.
There you go.
Hi.
Well, stop the world.
Quit my job.
Great.
Just seemed like the right move... Whatcha doing?
Spanish.
How do you say "Quit my Job" in Spanish?
Yeah, well, I'm going to work as a cowboy now... Or thinking about it. It's a routine, like anything. What do you think?
You want to go for a ride?
Well, I got homework.
You're a redhead.
I know.
Anybody ever call you "Red"?
Yeah, but I don't like it.
Why not?
Just don't... I've got a headache.
Can I come around and see you tomorrow?
What a nice place.
Yeah, the tree makes it nice.
And the flowers... Let's not pick them. They're so nice.
My stomach's growling.
There's an old Fudgesicle over there. You want it?
Somebody else is going to get it.
I don't care.
Did it go the way it 'uz supposed to?
Yeah.
Is that all there is to it?
Gosh, what was everybody talking about?
You know what I think?
What?
That we should crunch our hands with this stone. That way we'd never forget what happened today.
But it would hurt.
Don't call me stupid.
I came in the front.
How bad off is he?
I can look and see.
We better call the doctor... Listen. I'll say how it happened, part I saw.
Are you sure?
Listen, maybe we ought to tell somebody about this.
You said that once already... Too late now.
Why?
Suppose the neighbors heard the noise?
How you doing?
I'm fine. Kind of tired.
"The Kon-Tiki in motion was a little different from what it usually was in such conditions. We had become sensitive to changes in the rhythm of the logs. I thought at once of suction from the coast, which was drawing near, and was continually out on the deck and up the mast..."
I found a lid. It was laying on the ground over there.
Look at all this junk.
How's he doing?
Is he upset?
Whatcha looking in there for? We can't afford any of that.
Think I got 'em?
I don't know.
What'd you put him in there for?
You tired?
Yeah.
Yeah, you look tired... Listen, honey. when all this is over, I'm going to sit down and buy you a big, thick steak.
I don't want a steak.
Later we found out she was deaf and we hadn't even known it.
Hey, why're you always walking ahead of me?
Don't.
Anybody ever done that to you before?
No.
Positive?
Yes.
I'd like to get out of here.
"Rumor: Pat Boone is seriously considering giving up his career so he can return to school full-time and complete his education. Fact: Pat has told intimates that so long as things are going well for his career, it's the education that will have to take the back seat."
I don't blame him.
That's Montana over there.
Why not? I mean, I'm having fun... At least I'm not bitching.
Well, I feel kind of like an animal living out here. I mean, there's no place to bathe and... no place to get anything good to eat.
Everybody loves trout.
Maybe we should've tried to hop it.
It was going too fast.
I could've pulled the car up on the tracks, slowed it down some.
Yeah, then we'd be stuck here.
Well, maybe the slope here is throwing it off some. We ought to find a more flat place.
Never mind. It doesn't matter... If I'm worth a damn, I'll pick the right direction. And if I'm not, well, I don't care. See what I mean?
No.
What?
Nothing... I was just running off at the mouth... as usual.
You know... they'd probably ask to see your driver's license before they hired you.
You smoke Pall Mall?
Boy. I had a feeling today was going to be the day... Helicopter.
Yeah.
Have you got a better idea?
I just don't want to go.
Course it's too bad about your dad.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi... ah, Mister Scarborough here?
Yeah, but the thing about him, he's down with the flu. He's sick.
Really?
Yeah. I'd invite you inside, except it's contagious. Don't want to start an epidemic.
No, of course not. It's only that he called last night and asked if I could come by.
What's that?
Well, I'd like to leave a message, if that's okay.
Hi.
Yes?
This your place?
Sorry to barge in on you. Anybody else here besides you two?
Good deal... Oh, uh, we're on the run and we'd like to hang out here for a while. Couple of hours, maybe. How'd that be?
Hi, whatcha doing?
Just thinking.
Yes.
Listen, ah... We're going to take the Cadillac for a while. How'd that be?
Fine.
You're my friend, aren't you?
Yes.
Morning... Say, you got any gas?
Maybe.
See, we're about out... been driving all night. Actually, I don't even have time to explain it to you.
Well, matter of fact, I don't have any.
You didn't walk out here.
It's mine all right.
Who are you?
Okay, friend. Start running.
Just gimme a chance.
Hi.
Hold it right there.
Think I'll take the juice?
You tossed my hat out the window.
Wanta sue me?
So we'll help. Let's get crackin'!
All these people applied for drivers' licenses in the same town in New Jersey on the exact same date.
New Jersey?
November 1, thirty days have September, April, June, and November...when short February's done, all the rest have thirty-one. October 31st! Halloween! Don't you get it? Orson Welles!
You mean the guy from the old wine commercials?
Halloween. 1938..."War of the Worlds"...that fake radio news broadcast that got everybody scared, thinking that real live Martians were landing in Grover's Mill, New Jersey! But then it all just turned out to be a hoax.
Forgive the butterfingers, Buckaroo. Casper Lindley, Knight of the Blue Shield, at your disposal. And my son, Scooter.
She gotta be kiddin', right? Vaporize the whole damn planet--?
You wanna take the chance, Casper?
Not me. No way.
There's another one we owe 'em.
See 'em? They about had me and the whole damn car for breakfast. Broke my windshield...
Smells fermented. Check in with the Institute, Reno, see if everything's kosher.
Rawhide tells me Dr. Lizardo escaped...
We at the Banzai Institute have at last found that way: an alternating gradient synchronizer that softens solid matter by attenuating its electroweak forces!
Buckaroo! What the Sam Hill!
Careful...don't make noise and don't touch me. I'm hotter than flapjacks.
What?
Ever since that phony phone call from the President. Look at this. What is it?
It's your hand, Buckaroo.
Antidote to what? Whose disguises?
Arachtoids. From Planet Ten.
Planet 10?
I'm starving...somebody, help.
Got a half a tuna sandwich.
Then what?
Dr. Lizardo's a raving lunatic, Perfect Tommy, a vicious psychopath with crazy eyes and flaming orange hair that once upon a time was mousy brown like yours.
Have you warned Professor Hikita?
The professor and Dr. Emilio Lizardo were actually the first to discover the Eighth Dimension. Almost fifty years ago. Before Buckaroo's parents even knew each other. But there was trouble, a rocket catapult failed and Dr. Lizardo got sucked half in, half out...when they hauled him back ,he wasn't the same guy. His hair was orange...
And his soul black as the Ace of Spades.
Go back to the bus and reroute the call.
That's me. I've been ionized, but I'm okay. I'm, switching on the homing beacon, mark two minute intervals.
Buckaroo, somebody shanghaied the Professor!
What crate?
I think I'm on to something. You and the guys go back to the house and dig up everything you can on an outfit called Yoyodyne.
You okay?
You're a welcome sight...
Apache?
Arachtoid.
We will, old fried, we will.
Anybody we know?
Buckaroo, you got a minute--?
Not really. This is pretty important.
Everybody ready? How do we look? Do we look okay?
Hey, any lock can be picked. So what's he up to?
Running a little late, Buckaroo.
Let her out. In my custody.
Planet 10? The same Planet 10 you postulated beyond Pluto, Perfect Tommy? The invisible body?
It wouldn't tell us the whole story until you got here. It wasn't to talk to the head honcho.
Buckaroo--! Sorry--
What is it, Tommy?
Dead. Damnit!
It's Whorfin, Buckaroo. Line 3.
All accounted for? Where's Penny?
These antidote filters the Professor's whipped up will let you to see them like I have since yesterday, as arachtoidal creatures. They won't be pretty, nothing personal, John Parker. But just remember...if we fail tonight, there's no tomorrow.
What is this thing? A fighter?
We're going down! Onto the runway!
I lack the authority, Buckaroo Banzai.
Does this thing have guns, John Parker?
Pull up! We did it! Holy shit, we did it! Pull up!
Now, Buckaroo Banzai?
And there's a two-hundred-dollar deductible we have to eat on that crack in her windshield.
They're arachtoids, Buckaroo, from Planet 10!
...where there was some kinda giant crash landing, a huge explosion and they fooled Orson Welles into covering it up! And then they founded Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems and hid there for...
...but he wasn't the real Doctor Lizardo...just this arachtoid creep that stole the good doc's body the year before in the Eighth Dimension when Prof. Hikita's lab exploded...
Where're you goin'?
And they got Penny! Look!
They're armed for bear, Buckaroo. Check out those radiation levels.
Got a casualty list?
Just their side. What're we gonna do with these people? They're illegal aliens, the way I figure, been here forty years, you could throw the book at 'em...
Raise your hand...where?
This is so embarrassing...
Somebody get her a mike? Can we manage that? And a spotlight. What's your name?
Did you say..."Peggy"?
Nobody's a nobody. Why're you crying? What's wrong?
Did I say anything was wrong? I just sponged up a little too much Vat 69, okay? I'm down to my last nickel in this lousy town, I can't get my luggage outta hock 'cause I met this jerk who said he was a record producer when all he had was a record. He offered to set me up for life, and like a
He offered you money?
This song's for Peggy. And all you others out there a little down on your luck.
Let me go, let me go, you creeps...
What're you doing here? Why're you looking at me like that?
I guess 'cause you remind me of someone I once knew, long ago before any of this craziness.
Go away. Let me rot?
Who were you really trying to kill last night?
You. Like the papers all say.
Was she pretty?
Who?
The girl I remind you of.
She was the Queen of the Netherlands.
I'd turn around, but I'm afraid you'd strangle me.
The Netherlands. Whew, that's a long way from Wyoming.
Wyoming? Not Cody, by any chance?
No. Laramie. Except I was born in Cody. How did you know that? Oh, right, sure, I forgot: you know everything.
Having a little trouble with that knot, aren't you?
Did you have family there--? A sister? In Cody?
I don't know. I always felt like I did, like there was another me...
Another 'you'?
Somewhere. See I was taken away by the Priddies when I was a baby. I was adopted.
Adopted. I should have know. Of course. If it was a snake, it'd bit me!
What? I don't understand you. I don't understand anything anymore.
You keep an eye on it.
Open up or I'll shoot it off.
She must've been a bigger fool than me if she ran out on a guy like you...
She was killed, Penny.
Oh, my.
Looks like you're the one might go to pieces.
Where's my damn ammo? Nothing is ever where it's supposed to be around here!
How did she die? I wanna know.
You don't wanna know.
Yes, I do. Gimme a chance. I'm stronger than you think.
She was murdered by Hanoi Shan on our wedding night.
Hanoi Shan--? The guy in your comic books. Boss of the World Crime League? Supreme Commander of the Legion of Death? The Pivot of Mystery himself? You're putting me on. He's a cartoon character.
Never.
I gotta be honest with myself and not repress these feelings-I've got mixed emotions-I don't know if I can handle this. Oh, boy...
I gotta go. We're on borrowed time.
Go where? Where're you going?
Please, Penny. You just gotta trust me now. Okay? And don't panic. Because it's gonna be all right.
What? If we just believe in Buckaroo Banzai?
Yeah...and maybe more important, if you believe in yourself.
Believe in Penny Priddy?
You've got your six guns strapped on. You're ridding off on another adventure? Oh, my God, it's all real...it really is real. I should go with you. Please...
It's too dangerous.
Stay here, I'll be back.
I'm not worth it, Buckaroo! Forget me!
World Watch One. Direct incoming transmission.
Hello, Mr. President. How's my favorite patient? Any tenderness?
Not too terrific, sir. I apologize for the interruption but something very unusual has reared its ugly head in outer space, and it looks like the Earth's caught in a crossfire.
...hit Smolensk and precipitate a thermonuclear war, Mr. President.
A what?
A thermonuclear holocaust, sir. These creatures from Planet 10 are ready to exploit Soviet-American tensions and get us to blow each other off the face of the earth, sir, if necessary.
What? A black ship? Where? A black thermopod's been shot down ten miles back.
Where was it, John O'Connor? How far back?
Not here! No Overthruster!
John Whorfin will kill us!
But John Whorfin said kill her.
Buckaroo, come in...over. How does this damn thing work? Can anybody figure this lighter out?
No, sir. I think the flint...
What's happening with my call to SAC?
Still no confirmation either from SAC or Strategic Space Command. They report all surveillance satellite communication jammed.
Jammed--? By who? Whom by?
Possible atmospheric condition, sir...solar. It's unusual, but no cause for alarm. Intelligence reports the Soviets are having the same problem.
How long you been riding with Buckaroo, Reno?
Nigh on ten years. Been through a lotta scrapes together.
What'd you do before? Can I ask?
Government work. Had my own think tank. Got tired of thinking-wanted some action. Seen plenty of it too. So will you if you stick around.
Where's Buckaroo? Is he alive?
What's his problem?
Perfect Tommy's just threatened by smart women. Can you play that thing?
Better see what's keepin' the boss, Reno.
Pick those up, Reno.
It's a spittin' image.
Doesn't look anything like her to me.
Pictures don't lie.
Hell they don't. I met my first wife that way.
Doctor Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
You're thinking of Mr. Wizard. This guy's an eccentric genius.
The name's Reno. This here's Perfect Tommy.
Reno, how's about you take New Jersey's gear, mosey on over to the bus and introduce him to the rest of the hands.
Why me?
Any sign of Buckaroo?
We're waiting for the Jet Car. Billy's bringing it.
So where's Buckaroo?
Unscheduled surgery. He'll be waltzing along momentarily. What're you doing tonight?
That's why I wear a fifty dollar hat. Was a two hundred dollar hat, I hadda kill you.
Bet you say that to all the girls, Perfect Tommy.
Now twenty seconds downrange...Perfect Tommy, how on earth is Buckaroo able to keep that thing on the ground?
Is, uh... Is he okay?
I am sorry, it's so embarassing.
How about you? Will you be alright?
I'll be fine... Are you a writer, Mr Fink?
I'll tell Bill you dropped by. I'm sure he'll want to reschedule your appointment.
Perhaps the three of us, Mr. Fink.
Please, Barton.
I see.
...I know this must look... funny.
Let him go.
...Oh Barton, I feel so... sorry for him!
What?! He's a son of a bitch!
No, sometimes he just... well, he thinks about Estelle. His wife still lives in Fayettesville. She's... disturbed.
...Well that doesn't excuse his behavior.
He'll wander back when he's sober and apologize. He always does.
Okay, but that doesn't excuse his –
Barton. Empathy requires... understanding.
Pick it up... Pick it up. Pick it-
Hello.
Audrey, listen, I need help. I know it's late and I shouldn't be calling you like this – believe me I wouldn't have if I could see any other alternative, but I – I'm sorry - listen, how are you – I'm sorry. You doing okay?
...Who is this?
If you could, I'd –
Hello, Barton.
Now that's all right, Barton. Everything'll be all right.
Yes. Thank you. How's Bill?
Well I have to come up with – an outline, I'd guess you call it. The story. The whole goddamn story. Soup to nuts. Three acts. The whole goddamn-
It's alright, Barton. You don't have to write actual scenes?
Yes, I'm afraid I have.
What are they like? What are they about?
Well... THIS.
You wrote his scripts for him?
Well, the basic ideas were frequently his-
You wrote Bill's scripts! Jesus Christ, you wrote his – what about before that?
Before what?
Well, Bill was ALWAYS the author, so to speak-
What do you mean so to speak?! Audrey, how long have you been his... secretary?
Barton, I think we should concentrate on OUR little project-
I want to know how many of Bill's books you wrote!
Barton!
I want to know!
Barton, honestly, only the last couple-
Hah!
And my input was mostly... EDITORIAL, really, when he'd been drinking-
If I close m'eyes I can almost smell the live oak.
That's hamburger grease, Bill.
...This'll sometimes help.
So now I'm s'posed to roll over like an ol' bitch dog gettin' ger belly scratched.
M'honey pretends to be impatient with me, Barton, but she'll put up with anything.
Am I? Maybe to a schoolboy's eye. People who know about the human heart, though, mebbe they'd say, Bill over here, he gives his honey love, and she pays him back with pity – the basest coin there is.
Barton, I'm afraid it's not a good time-
All right Barton, I'll see if I can slip away-
I'll try to slip out. If he quiets down, passes out... I'm afraid he thinks – well, he said you were a buffoon, Barton. He becomes irrational–
How d'ya like your room!
...Who is this?
Chet!
...Who?
...Hello.
I write.
Oh yeah? What kind of write?
No, I – I didn't mean to sound –
What DID you mean?
How long you been up there, Fink?
Ever talk to him?
Yeah, he's funny that way.
...No. I never saw him with anyone else.
So. You talked to Mundt, what about?
Well that's what he said.
What else?
Could you come back later? It's just... too hot... My head is killing me.
I beg your pardon?
W.P. Mayhew? The writer?
Sir, I'm flattered that you even recognize my name. My God, I had no idea you were in Hollywood.
...A little social lubricant, Mistuh Fink?
It's still a little early for me.
...Still, I must say. I haven't felt peace like this since the grand productive days. Don't you find it so, Barton? Ain't writin' peace?
...No, I've always found that writing comes from a great inner pain. Maybe it's a pain that comes from a realization that one must do something for one's fellow man – to help somehow to ease his suffering. Maybe it's a personal pain. At any rate, I don't believe good work is possible without it.
Look, maybe it's none of my business, but a man with your talent – don't you think your first obligation would be to your gift? Shouldn't you be doing whatever you have to do to work again?
And what would that be, son?
I don't know exactly. But I do know what you're doing with that drink. You're cutting yourself off from your gift, and from me and Audrey, and from your fellow man, and from everything your art is about.
No son, thisahere moonshine's got nothin' to do with shuttin' folks out. No, I'm usin' it to build somethin'.
What's that?
I'll jus' walk on down to the Pacific, and from there I'll... improvise.
I'm sorry, I just feel like –I know I shouldn't ask, I just need some kind of help, I just, I have a deadline tomorrow-
Goddamn voices... DROWN 'EM!
I'm a writer, Mr. Geisler. Ted Okum said I should drop by morning to see you about the –
Ever act?
...Huh? No, I'm –
We need Indians for a Norman Steele western.
I'm a writer. Ted O –
Think about it, Fink. Writers come and go; we always need Indians.
I'm a writer. Ted Okum said you're producing this Wallace Beery picture I'm working on.
What!? Ted Okum doesn't know shit. They've assigned me enough pictures for a goddamn year. What Ted Okum doesn't know you could almost squeeze into the Hollywood Bowl.
Don't worry about it. It's just a B picture. I bring it in on budget, they'll book it without even screening it. Life is too short.
But Lipnik said he wanted to look at the script, see something by the end of the week.
Sure he did. And he forgot about it before your ass left his sofa.
Okay. I'm just having trouble getting started. It's funny, I'm blocked up. I feel like I need some kind of indication of... what's expected –
...Look, you're confused? You need guidance? Talk to another writer.
Wuddya got for me – what the hell happened to your face?
Nothing. It's just a mosquito bite.
Like hell it is; there are no mosquitos in Los Angeles. Mosquitos breed in swamps – this is a desert town. Wuddya got for me?
Well I...
On the Beery picture! Where are we? Wuddya got?
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm having some trouble getting started–
Getting STARTED! Christ Jesus! Started?! You mean you don't have ANYthing?!
What do you think this is? HAMLET? GONE WITH THE WIND? RUGGLES OF RED GAP? It's a goddamn B picture! Big men in tights! You know the drill!
I'm afraid I don't really understand that genre. maybe that's the prob-
Understand shit! I though you were gonna consult another writer on this!
Well, I've talked to Bill Mayhew-
Bill Mayhew! Some help! The guy's a souse!
He's a great writer –
A souse!
You don't understand. He's in pain, because he can't write-
Souse! Souse! He manages to write his name on the back of his paycheck every week!
But... I thought no one cared about this picture.
I don't understand-
Are you deaf, he LIKES you! He's taken an interest! What the hell did you say to him?
I didn't say anything-
Well he's taken an interest! That means he'll make your life hell, which I could care less about, but since I drew the short straw to supervise this turkey, he's gonna be all over me too! Fat-assed sonofabitch called me yesterday to ask how it's going – don't worry, I covered for you. Told him you were making progress and we were all very
I can't write anything by tomorrow.
Who said write? Jesus, Jack can't read. You gotta TELL it to him-tell him SOMEthing for Chrissake.
I thought you were going to join us. Jesus, Garland, you left me alone with those people.
We have to talk a little business. I've just been on the phone to Los Angeles. Barton, Capitol Pictures wants to put you under contract. They've offered you a thousand dollars a week. I think I can get them to go as high as two.
To do what?
What do you do far a living?
I'm not sure anymore. I guess I try to make a difference.
Fair enough. No pressure here, Barton, because I respect you, but let me point out a couple of things. One, here you make a difference to five hundred fifty people a night – if the show sells out. Eighty five million people go to the pictures every week.
To see pap.
Yes, generally, to see pap. However, point number two: A brief tenure in Hollywood could support you through the writing of any number of plays.
I don't know, Garland; my place is here right now. I feel I'm on the brink of success-
...I guess I'm sprouting off again. But I am certain of this, Garland: I'm capable of more good work. Maybe better work than I did in Choirs. It just doesn't seem to me that Los Angeles is the place to lead the life of mind.
...Look, they love you, kid – everybody does. You see Caven's review in the Herald?
No, what did it say?
Barton? What time is it? Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, Garland – I have to talk to you. I'm calling long distance.
...What is it Barton? Are you okay?
I'm fine, garland, but I have to talk with you.
Go ahead, son.
It's about what I'm writing, Garland. It's really... I think it's really big.
What do you mean, Barton?
Not big in the sense of large – although it's that too. I mean important. This may be the most IMPORTANT work I've done.
Well, I'm... glad to hear that –
Very important, Garland. I just thought you should know that. Whatever happens.
...That's fine.
Have you read the Bible, Garland?
...Barton, is everything okay?
Yes... Isn't it?
Sound a little what?
Neighbor, I'd feel better about the damned inconvenience if you'd let me buy you a drink.
That's all right, really, thank you.
... You got a glass? It's the least I can do.
Yeah, just a nip. I feel like hell, all the carryings-on next door.
That's okay, I assure you. It's just that I was trying to work –
What kind of work do you do, Barton, if you don't mind my asking?
Well, I'm a writer, actually.
You don't say. That's a tough racket. My hat's off to anyone who can make a go of it. Damned interesting work, I'd imagine.
Can be. Not easy, but –
And what's your line, Mr. Meadows?
...In spite of what you might think from tonight, I'm pretty good at it.
Doesn't surprise me at all.
Hell yes. Because I believe in it. Fire, theft, and casualty are not things that only happen to other people – that's what I tell 'em. Writing doesn't work out, you might want to look into it. Providing for basic human need – a fella could do worse.
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
What kind of scribbler are you – newspaperman did you say?
No, I'm actually writing for the pictures now –
...Is the egg showing or what?!
That's okay; actually I am just starting out in the movies – though I was pretty well established in New York, some renown there,
That's okay, Charlie. I'm a playwright. My shows've only played New York. Last one got a hell of a write-up in the Herald. I guess that's why they wanted me here.
Hell, why not? Everyone wants quality. What kind of venue, that is to say, thematically, uh...
Caught me trying to be fancy! Yeah, that's it, Bart.
Well, that's a good question. Strange as it may seem, Charlie, I guess I write about people like you. The average working stiff. The common man.
Well ain't that a kick in the head!
...I don't guess this means much to you.
Hell, I could tell you some stories–
And that's the point, that we all have stories. The hopes and dreams of the common man are as noble as those of any king. It's the stuff of life – why shouldn't it be the stuff of theater? Goddamnit, why should that be a hard pill to swallow? Don't call it new theater, Charlie; call it real theater. Call it our theater.
I can see you feel pretty strongly about it.
Well, I don't mean to get up on my high horse, but why shouldn't we look at ourselves up there? Who cares about the Fifth Earl of Bastrop and Lady Higginbottom and – and – and who killed Nigel Grinch-Gibbons?
I can feel my butt getting sore already.
Exactly, Charlie! You understand what I'm saying – a lot more than some of these literary types. Because you're a real man!
And I could tell you some stories –
Sure you could! And yet many writers do everything in their power to insulate themselves from the common man – from where they live, from where they trade, from where they fight and love and converse and – and – and... so naturally their work suffers, and regresses into empty formalism and – well, I'm spouting off again, but to put it in your
Yeah, I guess that's tragedy right there.
You're all right, Charlie. I'm glad you stopped by. I'm sorry if – well I know I sometimes run on.
Hell no! Jesus, I'm the kind of guy, I'll let you know if I'm bored. I find it all pretty damned interesting. I'm the kind schmoe who's generally interested in the other guy's point of view.
Sure, sure Charlie, you can help by just being yourself.
...And look, I'm sorry as hell about the interruption. Too much revelry late at night, you forget there are other people in the world.
Howdy, neighbor.
Charlie. How are you.
Jesus, I hope I'm not interrupting you again. I heard you walking around in here. Figured I'd drop by.
Oh, yeah. An ear infection, chronic thing. Goes away for a while, but it always comes back. Gotta put cotton in it to staunch the flow of pus. Don't worry, it's not contagious.
Ah, doctors. What's he gonna tell me? Can't trade my head in for a new one.
Thanks, I'd invite you over to my place, but it's a goddamn mess. You married, Bart?
Nope.
...Got a sweetheart?
No... I guess it's something about my work. I get so worked up over it, I don't know; I don't really have a lot of attention left over, so it would be a little unfair...
My folks live in Brooklyn, with my uncle.
...What's the expression – me myself and I.
...It was taken by one of my policy holders. They're more than just customers to me, Barton. They really appreciate what I have to offer them. Ya see, her hubby was out of town at the time –
...This must be boring you.
Not at all. It's damned interesting.
...Probably sounds a little grand coming from someone who's writing a wrestling picture for Wallace Beery.
Beery! You got no beef there! He's good. Hell of an actor – though, for my money, you can't beat Jack Oakie. A stitch, Oakie. Funny stuff, funny stuff. But don't get me wrong – Beery, a wrestling picture, that could be a pip. Wrestled some myself back in school. I guess you know the basic moves.
Nope, never watched any. I'm not that interested in the act itself –
...You're a little out of your weight class, but just for purposes of demonstration –
That's all right, really –
...All right now, when I say "Ready... wrestle!" you try and pin me, and I try and pin you. That's the whole game. Got it?
...Yeah, okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
I hope these are your shoes.
Hi, Charlie.
Because that would mean they gave you mine.
Jesus, what a day I've had. Ever had one of those days?
Jesus, what a day. Felt like I couldn't've sold ice water in the Sahara. Jesus. Okay, so you don't want insurance, so okay, that's your loss. But God, people can be rude. Feel like I have to talk to a normal person like just to restore a little of my...
Well, my pleasure. I could use a little lift myself.
...Did I say rude? People can be goddamn cruel. Especially some of their housewives. Okay, so I've got a weight problem. That's my cross to bear. I dunno...
Well it's... it's a defense mechanism.
...Listen to me belly-achin'. As if my problems amounted to a hill of beans. How goes the life of the mind?
Well, it's been better. I can't seem to get going on this thing. That one idea, the one that lets you get started – I still haven't gotten it. Maybe I only had one idea in me – my play. Maybe once that was done, I was done being a writer. Christ, I feel like a fraud, sitting here staring at this paper.
How did you know about that?
Know about it? I can practically see how they're doin' it. Brother, I wish I had a piece of that.
Yeah, but –
...Ah, you'll lick this picture business, believe me. You've got a head on your shoulders. What is it they say? Where there's a head, there's a hope?
And there's hope for you too, Charlie. Tomorrow I bet you sell a half-dozen policies.
Thanks, brother. But the fact is, I gotta pull up stakes temporarily.
You're leaving?
In a few days. Out to your stompin' grounds as a matter of fact – New York City. Things have gotten all balled up at the Head Office.
I'm truly sorry to hear that, Charlie. I'll miss you.
...Your room does that too?
I guess the heat's sweating off the wallpaper.
...I guess it seems pathetic to a guy like you.
Well...
Well it's pathetic, isn't it? I mean to a guy from New York.
What do you mean?
This kind of heat. It's pathetic.
Well, I guess you pick your poison.
So they say.
Don't pick up and leave without saying goodbye.
...Can I come in?
No!... I'm fine. Thank you.
Are you sure –
Barton. Are you all right?
No... Can I come in?
Why don't we go to your room-
Get a grip on yourself, brother. Whatever the problem is, we'll sort it out.
...Will you stay with me till they get here?
...Jesus, Barton, what the hell is this? What're we gonna do?
I've gotta call the police – or you could call for me –
Hold on –
You gotta believe me –
Hold on –
I didn't do this, I did NOT do this–
Hold on. Stop. Take a deep breath. Tell me what happened.
I believe you, brother, but this don't look good.
We gotta call the police –
Hold on. I said hold on, so hold on.
Yeah.
What do you think happened?
I don't know! Maybe it was her... boyfriend. I passed out. I don't know. Won't the police be able to –
Stop with the police! Wake up, friend! This does not look good! They hang people for this!
But I didn't do it – don't you believe me?
Jesus... They can tell that...
They GOTTA believe me, Charlie! They gotta have mercy!
...Uh-huh... Where's Audrey?
Jesus... You're leaving.
Jesus, Charlie, I...
Everything's okay, believe me. I know it's rough mentally, but everything's taken care of.
It's okay... It's okay...
...I just don't know what... to do–
You gotta get a grip on, brother. You gotta just carry on – just for a few days, till I get back. Try and stay here, keep your door locked. Don't talk to anyone. We just gotta keep our heads and we'll figure it out.
Yeah, but Charlie –
Sure, Charlie.
It's more than I've got.
You'll be back?
...Don't look at me like that, neighbor. It's just me – Charlie.
But Charlie – why me? Why –
...Where did we put him?
I'm at the Earle.
Never heard of it. Let's move him to the Grand, or the Wilshire, or hell, he can stay at my place.
Thanks, but I wanted a place that was less...
To be honest, I don't go to the pictures much, Mr. Lipnik –
That's okay, that's okay, that's okay – that's just fine. You probably just walked in here thinking that was going to be a handicap, thinking we wanted people who knew something about the medium, maybe even thinking there was all kind of technical mumbo- jumbo to learn. You were dead wrong. We're only interested in one thing: Can you tell a story, Bart? Can
...Yes, thank you.
...Well Bart, which is it? Orphan? Dame?
Yeah... rye whiskey?
...It's a tenement building. On the Lower East Side...
Great! He's poor, this wrestler! He's had to struggle!
...Can I be honest, Mr. Lipnik?
I – Mr. Lipnik –
Mr. Lipnik, I –
I apologize, Barton.
No no, Mr. Breeze has actually been a great help –
You don't have to cover for him. It's noble of you, but these things happen in business.
Mr. Lipnik, I really would feel much better if you could reconsider –
Fink.
Mr. Lipnik.
...I was commissioned yesterday in the Army Reserve. Henry Morgenthau arranged it. He's a dear friend.
Congratulations.
Actually it hasn't officially gone through yet. Had wardrobe whip this up. You gotta pull teeth to get anything done in this town. I can understand a little red tape in peacetime, but now it's all-out warfare against the Japs. Little yellow bastards. They'd love to see me sit this one out.
Yes sir, they –
...I gotta tell you, Fink. It won't wash.
With all due respect, sir, I think it's the best work I've done.
Yes sir.
I'm sorry if I let you down.
You didn't let ME down. Or even Lou. We don't live or die by what you scribble, Fink. You let Ben Geisler down. He liked you. Trusted you. And that's why he's gone. Fired. That guy had a heart as big as the outdoors, and you fucked him. He tried to convince me to fire you too, but that would be too easy. No,
Welcome to the Hotel Earle. May I help you, sir?
F-I-N-K. Fink, Barton. That must be you, huh?
Must be.
...Are you a tranz or a rez?
Excuse me?
Transient or resident?
I don't know... I mean, I'll be here, uh, indefinitely.
Rez. That'll be twenty-five fifty a week payable in advance. Checkout time is twelve sharp, only you can forget that on account you're a rez. If you need anything, anything at all, you dial zero on your personal in-room telephone and talk to me. My name is Chet.
Well, I'm going to be working here, mostly at night; I'm a writer. Do you have room service?
...Okay
Okey-dokey, go ahead.
What –
...Those your only bags?
L.A.P.D.
Jesus! Ain't that a load off! You live in 605?
Is this multiple choice?
...Yeah, he... he lives next door to me.
What did... What did he –
Charlie... Charlie's back...
Sex?! He's a MAN! We WRESTLED!
Got a couple questions to ask ya.
Big fuckin' deal.
You want my partner to kiss your ass?
Yeah, and I'm Buck Rogers.
His name is Mundt. Karl Mundt.
Also known as Madman Mundt.
Started in Kansas City. Couple of housewives.
Couple of days ago we see the same M.O. out in Los Feliz.
Doctor. Ear, nose and throat man,.
All of which he's now missin'.
Well, some of his throat was there.
Physician, heal thyself.
Good luck with no fuckin' head.
Anyway.
Hollywood precinct finds another stiff yesterday. Not too far from here. This one's better looking than the doc.
Female caucasian, thirty years old. Nice tits. No head. You ever see Mundt with anyone meets that description?
Yeah, and he's Buck Rogers.
Ya know, Fink, ordinarily we say anything you might remember could be helpful. But I'll be frank with you: That is not helpful.
Ya see how he's not writing it down?
...I thought you said you were a writer.
Second one of your friends to end up dead.
Sixth floor too high for you, Fink?
Tell us where the heads are, maybe they'll go easy on you.
He teach you to do it?
Why's it so goddamn hot out here?
Mr. Fink hasn't given a preference, Mr. Lipnik.
...Thanks Lou. Join us. Join us. Talking about the Wallace Beery picture.
Excellent picture.
We got a treatment on it yet?
No, not yet Jack. We just bought the story. Saturday Evening Post.
...Maybe we should do a treatment.
Mr. Lipnik, I –
Get down on your knees, you sonofabitch! Get down on your knees and kiss this man's feet!
Yes, Colonel.
Hell, I could take you through it step by step, explain why your story stinks, but I won't insult your intelligence. Well all right, first of all: This is a wrestling picture; the audience wants to see action, drama, wrestling, and plenty of it. They don't wanna see a guy wrestling with his soul – well, all right, a little bit, for the critics
"Blood, Sweat, and Canvas".
Okay. I went after him. I lost my temper.
Do you have any evidence that he showed your psychiatric file to anyone?
Where were you tonight?
Home. Watching TV.
All night?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was drinking.
When did you start drinking again?
There's no smoking in this building.
Come on -- I'm going to storm into his office in front of everybody in the afternoon and then that night I'm going to kill him? I'd have to be really dumb to do that.
I want you in Dr. Gardner's office at nine o'clock. You're out of control, Curran.
We got a call from Berkeley P.D. There was a killing. A professor. Icepick. In his bed. Multiple stab wounds. 1977.
Take care, you hear?
Did you find out about her parents?
You're on leave, man. You're on psycho leave. I'm talking to a possible whacko here.
The boat blew. There was a leak in the gas line. There were two previous repairs. There was a five-mil policy on both of 'em. A real heavy investigation. Zilch. Goose-egg. It was an accident.
I can get my butt kicked for this. You're not supposed to be in here.
Hey, that's Dr. Gardner, isn't it?
How are you, Nick?
I'm fine. Come on, Beth! You know I'm fine! How the hell long do I have to keep doing this?
As long as Internal Affairs wants you to, I suppose. Sit down, Nick.
It's bullshit. You know it is.
So -- how are things?
How is your -- personal life?
How about the booze?
It's been three months.
How about the coke?
No.
No?
How's not smoking?
It's fucked -- now will you please tell I.A. that I'm just you average healthy totally fucked-up cop and let me get out of here?
Yes.
You okay?
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
Baby-sitting. Rookie cop.
What was she like?
Who?
Catherine Tramell.
We were in some of the same classes.
I need a cigarette.
What are you talking about, Nick -- what's wrong with you?
It's a confidential psychiatric record, it'd be illegal --She backs into a wall. She looks very scared. He comes very close to her -- puts an arm behind her to the wall.
It's Internal Affairs, isn't it?
No, Nick, please --
Who?
I don't owe you anything; you don't owe me anything. We went to bed -- what was it? -- ten or fifteen times? It wasn't memorable enough to carry any obligations.
Sometimes I really hate you.
You did it for me.
It's the least I could do... considering I got you into this mess with those reports.
How do you know Catherine Tramell saw my reports?
She knows stuff about me that only you know.
She must really be something. From a clinical point of view.
What was she like in school?
Beth. I didn't mean what I said. About --
What is your problem? I'm trying to help you. Why won't you let me help you?
I don't need any help.
What is this interest you've got in her?
My interest is in you, not in her. She seduces people, she manipulates --
I thought you hardly know her.
What do you want, Nick?
She told you, didn't she?
What did she tell me, Beth?
I did dye my hair. It didn't have anything to do with her. I was a redhead for a while, too.
Did you know Noah Goldstein?
I had him in two classes.
She's really sick you know. Don't you know what she's doing? She knows I went to Berkeley. She knows I knew Noah. She makes up that story about me. She's handing you somebody who's obsessed with he her.
She didn't hand you to me. She doesn't even know who you are. She told me about Lisa Henderson.
Why did you change your name?
You should do something about this lock.
What are you doing here?
Put your fucking hands up! Don't move.
Don't! I know about your husband. You still like girls, Beth?
I'm De...
How long were you dating him?
How long were you having sex with him?
About a year and a half.
Were you with him last night?
Yes.
Did you leave the club with him?
Yes.
Did you go home with him?
No. We had a drink at the club. We left together. I came here. He went home.
Was there anyone with you last night?
Ms. Tramell, we'd like you to come downtown and answer some questions for us.
Are you arresting me?
Do you always keep old newspapers around?
Do you have a cigarette?
I don't smoke.
Yes, you do.
I thought you were out of cigarettes.
I told you -- I quit.
What's your new book about?
Did I miss something?
I told them you wouldn't want to hide.
But you said you liked men to use their hands.
Writing a book about it gives you an alibi for not killing him.
You like playing games, don't you?
How did you feel when he died?
How did you feel when I told you Johnny Boz had died -- that day at the beach.
I felt somebody had read my book and was playing a game.
But you didn't hurt --
No.
Because you didn't love him --
Even though you were fucking him.
Sure.
I'm tired.
If I were guilty, and if I wanted to beat that machine, it wouldn't be tiring. It wouldn't be tiring at all.
Why not?
I passed.
How do you know all this stuff about me?
You know all about me.
I don't know anything that isn't police business.
Am I... disturbing you?
Would you like a drink? I was just going to have one.
I'd like to ask you a few more questions.
You tell me.
It was an accident. They got in the line of fire.
Four shootings in five years. All accidents.
Tell me about Professor Goldstein.
There's a name from the past.
Noah was my counselor in my freshman year. That's probably where I got the idea for the icepick. For my book. Funny how the subconscious works. Hazel is my friend.
She wiped out her whole family.
Yes. She's helped me understand homicidal impulse.
Didn't you study it in school?
What happened, Nick? Did you get sucked into it? Did you like it too much?
I didn't.
How exactly did you hear?
I have attorneys. They have friends. I have friends. Money buys you a lot of attorneys and friends.
I don't know about that I don't have any money I don't have any attorneys Gus is my only real friend.
I wasn't talking about real friends. Why doesn't Gus like me.
I like you.
Do you?
You're not easy to figure. I'm just very good at figuring.
Don't get too cocky.
Why not?
You can make a mistake.
Jack Daniel's okay? It's gonna have to be.
Fine.
Ice?
What did you pay Nilsen?
What if I asked you not to call me Shooter?
What if I call you Nicky?
My wife used to call me that.
Cheers. My friends call me Catherine.
What did Bobby Vasquez used to call you?
Bitch mostly, but he meant it affectionately. You don't have any coke, do you? I love coke and Jack Daniel's.
There's Pepsi in the fridge.
Say -- "What do you want from me, Catherine?"
Aren't you going to thank me?
What's it about?
Why does he do it?
When did you write it?
You mean did I write it before my parents died?
Yes.
You're not going to stop following me around now just because you're on leave -- are you?
No.
Good. I'd miss you. You can get into trouble, though. You're not really a cop anymore.
I'll risk it.
Why take the risk?
How's your new book?
I'm leaving the house around midnight. In case you're going to follow me. I'm going down to Johnny's club.
Maybe she saw something she didn't see before.
Did you think it was so special?
What did you think?
How about Roxy? Is she a fuck to the century, too?
How's your shoulder?
Fine. How's your back?
Are you kidding? You think this is my idea of morning-after conversation?
I thought that business with the scarf was pretty nifty.
You shouldn't play this game.
You're in over your head.
I should have known. I came into the house when you were down on the beach. She looked at me so strangely. She left right after you. I shouldn't have let her watch us. She wanted to watch me all the time. She tried to kill you, didn't she?
Did you like her to watch?
Do you think I told her to kill You?
No.
It's OK. It's OK.
Do you think she killed Johnny Boz?
For what... to set me up? She loved me she wouldn't frame me.
Maybe she got jealous of Johnny Boz, too.
I thought you didn't do adolescent secrets.
No.
No?
You won't believe me.
I paid him $50,000 in cash for your psychiatric file.
When?
About three months before I met you.
I'd read about your shootings in the papers. I decided to write a book about a detective. I wanted to know my character.
You paid $50,000 for your character?
I would've paid more. I wanted to know everything about you. Then you came down here after Johnny got killed... it gave me a chance to get to know my character better.
What about the other night. What about last night? Was that to get to know your character?
Do you believe me?
I don't know.
What did he say?
He asked if I had an icepick in me yet.
Can I talk to you a minute?
You like to hang out with murderers or what? Did you know Roxy --
I just thought I'd surprise you. What's the matter?
I found Lisa Henderson.
You're not going to tell me what she's doing. I thought we weren't playing games anymore.
You still think I kill people, don't you?
No.
How'd you get in here?
I decided to give you one more chance. I missed you.
You didn't not see me long enough to miss me.
Did you miss me?
No.
I have to do some research tomorrow.
I'm very good at research. I'll help you.
No thanks.
What are you researching?
I'm writing a book.
Really. What are you writing about.
A detective. He falls for the wrong girl.
What happens to them?
They fuck like minks, raise rugrats, and live happily ever after.
It won't sell.
Why not?
Somebody has to die.
Why?
I finished my book.
How did it end?
What do you want, Nick? Flowers? I'll send you some flowers.
What is this -- some kind of... Joke? Are we playing games again?
What do we do now, Nick?
I hate rugrats.
I'm John Corrigan. I'm an assistant district attorney, Ms. Tramell. Can we get you anything? Would you like some coffee?
There is no smoking in this building, Ms. Tramell.
Would you tell us the nature of your relationship with Mr. Boz?
Did you ever engage in sado- masochistic activity with him?
Exactly what do you have in mind, Mr. Corrigan.
Did you ever tie him up?
Did you kill Mr. Boz, Ms. Tramell?
How did he die?
He was murdered.
I don't really feel like talking anymore.
Listen, lady, we can do this downtown if you --
You have the right to an attorney.
You workin' on another book?
Yes I am.
It teaches you to lie.
How's that?
You make it up, but it has to be believable. They call it suspension of disbelief.
The answer is no. I didn't kill him.
Do you use drugs, Ms. Tramell?
What kind of drugs?
In the beginning. Then I got to like what he did for me.
That's pretty cold, ain't it, lady?
He was walking home from work. They only lived a coupla blocks from the clinic. Somebody drove by and shot him.
What was the weapon?
.38 revolver. Never recovered.
Were there ever any suspects?
No suspects, no motive. Unsolved.
Was his wife ever a suspect?
I had another one of you guys down here from Frisco -- about a year ago -- he asked me the same question. What's this about anyway?
Routine.
Yeah, he said it was routine too. Now it's two guys saying it's routine.
Do you remember his name?
Nope, can't say that I do.
Nilsen?
Was she ever a suspect?
Nope. There was some talk; it never panned.
What kind of talk?
The usual -- a girlfriend.
He had a girlfriend?
Nope. She did. Like I say. It never panned.
Thanks.
I hope I helped you out.
Who was this fuckin' guy?
Rock and roll, Gus. Johnny Boz.
I never heard of him.
Before your time, pop. Mid-sixties. Five or six hits. He's got a club down in the Fillmore now.
Talcott doesn't usually show up at the office 'till after his 18 holes. What are they nervous about?
Ain't that cute? They got his and her Pig-assos, son.
I didn't know you knew who Picasso was, Gus.
How'd it go, son?
She misses me.
What you doin', son?
Ain't you go nothin' better to do than to come in here and jack off the damn machine?
What are you doing here, Pop?
Was she ever suspect?
Do you remember a case -- 1956 -- Hazel Dobkins?
What's goin' down, son?
No, sir. You won't. There's smoke off yonder on the horizon. They're gonna want your badge.
I got tired of being played with.
She knows where I live and breathe. She's coming after me.
What is it you got between you?
I don't know.
You think I --
I don't think it's funny.
Forgive me for askin', son, and I don't mean to belabor the obvious, but why is it that you've got your head so far up your own ass?
She want to play? Fine. I can play.
Everybody that she plays with dies.
Easy there, partner -- I wasn't there.
I went over last night, too.
You... fucked her! Goddamn dumb sonofabitch... You fucked her! Goddamn, you are one dumb sonofabitch --
I'm not gonna get AIDS, pop --don't worry about it. I always use a rubber.
I don't give a... flyin'... chili- bean... fart about AIDS!
You oughta use a rubber, pop. You really should.
What in the hell for? You think I'm gettin' any at my age? I don't like blue-haired women. I don't like 'em.
You don't like punk rockers?
You feeling better?
I'm not afraid of her.
Why the hell not?
I don't know. I'm just not.
It doesn't make sense. She didn't know me three months ago.
You all right, pop? You want me to drive you?
In that little pissant car of yours? Hell, no. I ain't gettin' no back pain disability retirement -- I'm gettin' me a full pension and a real gold-plate Seiko watch.
Come on, I'll drive you in this thing.
Catherine says you don't like her.
You know that stuff they say about how you can judge people by their friends?
I don't believe it.
Why not?
I don't understand what the hell's going on here, pop.
I'm not sure anymore she did it.
So Nilsen had a report on her -- so what. You don't know what the hell was in it?
Catherine told me what was in it.
If she's telling you the truth.
Don't you get it, Gus? If Beth killed Johnny Boz to frame Catherine -- she wouldn't want anyone to know what happened at Berkeley. It gives her the motive to kill Nilsen.
How did she know Nilsen knew about it -- if it happened?
She'd have to be nuttier than a twenty-pound Christmas fruitcake. She's not the one who hangs out with multiple murderers -- your girlfriend is.
She's a writer -- it's part of what she does.
Goddamn writers -- all they do is use up trees and ruin people's eyes. There's gotta be somebody at Berkeley who knows what the hell happened.
I know what happened. Catherine told me what happened.
Where the hell you goin'?
I'm going with you.
Maybe the maid did it.
Not unless she got up in the ring and turned into one mean sonofabitch.
Maybe it's for old-time's sake.
Sometimes I think he started banging her just to get himself off the hook with Internal Affairs.
He ain't that way. He's got heart.
You look like dogshit.
You're already gettin' psychological input, son.
Homicide.
What do you want?
When was the last time you saw John Boz?
Were you with him last night?
What was the motive?
He left the club with his girlfriend about midnight. That's the last time anybody saw him.
Keep your three o'clock.
Do you want me to work the case, Phil, or do you want me to --
Are you kidding me?
I love it. She's got a hundred million bucks. She fucks fighters and rock and roll stars. And she's got a degree in screwing with peoples' heads.
So what do we do -- nothing?
What is all this "Nick" stuff -- Nick would you like a cigarette. Nick can you give me a ride.
She didn't ask me for the ride. She asked anybody.
You sure?
Now what?
What now what? Now nothing. She passed the polygraph. That's it.
She knew she could beat it. That's why she asked to take it.
How the fuck do you know? What is it with you and this broad anyway?
Come on, Phil. You're not gonna let this slide. What about her parents? What about what else she's published? At least we should get the stuff to see if we find anything else that's an amazing real-life coincidence.
Her parents died in an accident. I don't care what else she's written. What are you -- a book critic?
How did they die? Was there an investigation?
Fuck you, Phil.
Gus -- go over to Berkeley. Harrigan -- find out what else she's published. Andrews -- get the files on her parents' accident. Carbon Beth on everything. I want some psychological input on this Andrews and Harrigan go; Nick is left there with Gus.
I'll ask you once, Nick -- for the record did you kill him?
I.A.'s going to talk to you more about Nilsen. They're handling the investigation, we're not. Stay in touch with Dr. Gardner, it'll help on the evaluation.
She killed him.
Beth? Now you've got Beth killing people?
Catherine Tramell. It's part of her game.
First you've got her buying your file. Now you've got her killing Nilsen. Forget her, willya? Go someplace. Sit in the sun. Get away from this goddamn fog. Get her out of your system.
Tell me again. I want to hear you say it again.
It was an accident.
You're driving around North Beach for no particular reason and this car won't get out of the way --
I don't think she meant to go off the hill, do you?
You knew her, didn't you?
Gus and I talked to her at Tramell's house. All we did was write her name down.
I told you to stay away from Tramell.
She's a suspect.
On what basis?
She's got enough money to burn this whole department down.
She was the last person seen with the guy -- I'll take the responsibility.
We know you're not stupid, Ms. Tramell.
We're sorry to disturb you, we'd like to ask you some --
Why do you think he's dead?
Who are you?
How old was she when this happened?
Anderson. Jack W. Donald M. I'm sorry. No Lisa.
Did you check all four years?
Yes I did.
No Lisa Anderson, detective.
Can there be some mistake?
He died -- about five or six years ago.
My name is Jean Michel Basquiat. Have you heard of me?
No. Should I have?
I'm a painter, too.
Hey – it's the big A.M..
Is this finished yet?
I don't know.
When's your show?
Not sure. How was yours?
What do you think?
I like the one with the dragon's heads a lot. But the black one's filled up with too many heads... I'd take some of them out. I think you're painting too fast. I wouldn't put in so many heads. Let it breathe a bit.
It's always how you would do it. This is my version.
You're right. It's your version. You should come over to the studio sometime.
Why, so you could humiliate me?
Naa..
Let's get out of here.
This is painted on a backdrop from the Kabuki theater in Japan. I painted it after Joseph Beuys died. A rebirth painting. I felt like he could've painted it, or maybe someone else was painting it instead of me. The Chinese calligraphers used to change their name mid-career so they could start over as someone else..
Do you ever get sick of it?
Of what?
The whole thing – painting.
No. It's one of the few times I feel good. I used to have to go to work and cook every day. That I got sick of.
What about the shit they write?
You're asking me this because of the 'lapdog' remark. I read that. The person that wrote that has the compassion of a housefly. That's your enemy, not your audience. Your audience hasn't even been born yet. It's a lie that art is popular. The only thing popular about it is that it's written about in newspapers. I'm surprised when anybody comes to my openings.
I haven't felt like talking to him since that thing came out.
Nixon lives in Saddle River, New York.
Saddle River's in New Jersey.
Saddle River, New York!
It's in New Jersey.
New York.
I think it's in New Jersey.
It's in New York.
You wanna buy some ignorant art? Ten bucks.
Ignorant art?
Yeah... Like – stupid, ridiculous, crummy art.
Ohhh. That's new. That sounds good.
Ten bucks apiece.
I can give you five. You didn't do very much to these.
Andy, man, thanks for coming. I'd like to paint your jacket.
Jean Michel, this is Mary Boone. She's got the great new gallery.
I wish they'd quit writing this shit about me.
That's good. At least they're interested.
Everybody's paying top dollar for scraps of paper, refrigerator doors – anything with a SAMO tag on it. The other day, I just wanted a pack of cigarettes, so I did a drawing and sold it for two bucks. A week later this gallery calls me up: "Somebody's offering us the drawing. Should we buy it for five thousand?"
Wow... Stop giving them away. I got an invitation to model for Comme de Garcons... You wanna do it with me?
Yeah – I'd do that... You could teach me.
Cool.
Let's leave this town and go someplace. Some island.
Ouch..
What's wrong?
That girl looks just like my old girlfriend Gina.
Do you still love her?
Yeah. I really blew it. I still think about her.
What's with the wigs?
I'm going to send them to my friends for Christmas presents.
Piss painting?
I wanted to make a few more of these. Frank's been drinking this Mexican beer. It makes a good green.
How come you're not peeing on them yourself?
That was my favorite part!
I don't even have any friends anymore besides you. And everyone says "Warhol? That death-warmed over person on drugs? He's just using you."
Gee. You shouldn't take it so seriously, Jean. That's why you can't stop taking drugs. You always think people don't like you. Everyone likes you.
Bruno called. In Europe, people are saying you're gonna die from drugs. They think they can cash in on your death.
After the show we should take a nice long vacation. Maybe go to Hawaii. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to give up painting and start playing music again. I wanna sing.
Who is it?
Annina Nosei.
Is Jean Michel here?
These are great.
Aren't they?
How much for these five?
I'm interested in showing Jean's work.
No.
I'd love to see some more of your work... Where's your studio?
You name it, I paint there.
Well, I don't want to get mugged on a Bowery street corner. Maybe I could find a place for you to work. Take my card.
When?
Tom and Cynthia Kruger.
Jean, your parents are here.
It's great that people are interested, but if anyone's going to buy anything, I'll handle it for you. Everything goes through the gallery, even if they come to your studio.
Chill, man! Be cool! This isn't even my apartment!
Oh man, you a FINE nigga! You know that?
Who did this? Who did this?
Naaaa. Poor thing has a little dick.
How do you know?
MOTHAFUCKAH!
That's the same guy who did this painting.
It doesn't matter how much you worked on them. It matters how much you can get for them.
You shouldn't have put it in the show. This is the one I absolutely have to have. I really love it.
Do you think I could borrow your limousine? I'll get it back to you in an hour.
B.B. It's me – Jean! What's the matter? No snow in Switzerland this year?
I didn't see you.
What do you mean?
I hear your show was sold out already. There's a very important collector who's interested in some of your works.
Jean Michel... Crawling from the wreckage?
I need a dealer.
Bruno spoke to me already. We could talk about it.
I'm here.
What is it that gets you out of bed in the morning?
... Can you... decipher this for us?
Decipher?
Yes. What do they... stand for?
They're just words.
Yes, I understand – but where do you take them from?
Where? Do you ask Miles where he got that note from? Where do you take your words from? Everywhere.
What are they?
Leeches. A long list of leeches. It looks good like that.
Hmmm. And 'Parasites.' You seem to be a Primal Expressionist.
A primate?
Well, you said that. You've got a lot of references from Leonardo da Vinci, don't you?
Oh, that's a "Leonardo's Greatest Hits" painting. You like it?
Yes, but as a black painter –
I use a lot of colors – not only black.
What?
I'm not black.
You're not?
Not what?
Not black.
Yes, yes... Let's talk about that.... your roots... Your father is from Haiti, isn't he?
Yup.
Hmmmm. Interesting. And when you grew up were there any primitives hanging in your home?
We don't hang them at home, y'know – just in the streets..
I see.. And... How do you respond to being called – hmmm... – yes, "the pickaninny of the art world."
Who said that?
Why, that's from Time Magazine.
No, he said I was the Eddie Murphy of the art world. He said the Eddie Murphy.
Or rather, do you think you're being exploited or are you yourself exploiting the white image of the black artist from the ghetto?
Are those the only two possibilities? You wanna French fry?
OK. One last thing. Is there any anger in you? Any anger in your work?
Should there be?
Would you like to see the wine list?
I'm sorry, Mr. Basquiat.
Yeah, just put their bill on my tab.
Really?
Yeah.
Paint it out.
Out?
It's Andy again.
Still not here.
– In this corner?
You want me to put it here?
It's Maria Portos. What should we do?
Why don't you try letting her in, Steve – I mean Shenge.
Get up. She won't buy anything if she sees me working on it!
Blue? Where?
Hey – Willie Mays.
Who's that?
The Devil, man. Rene Ricard. Art critic – writes for Artforum. People read him. Tell him who you are..
Who am I?
SAMO.
"She loves me. Oh yeah she loves me! She loooooooves me, Oh yeah she loves me!" Bring me some chicken, baby!
Would you shut the fuck up? You hear what I'm doing?
I knew I left these somewhere. One of these'll send your kids to college someday. Here – I made this for you.
You got a date already?
Come on, Jean. Get rid of your cigarette. Concentrate.
I am... On Gina. Fuck – I didn't think we were actually gonna do this.
You're shattering all my myths.
About what?
Your people.
Whatever. Famous. To where you can do your stuff all day without thinking about anything else.
Famous people are usually pretty stupid. You're too smart. You'd get bored to death. You don't wanna be like John Henry – fighting the machine. Just do what you do. It's about integrity. Follow your heart.
Who's John Henry?
Oh man! Folklore guy – worked on the railroad. Y'know, pounding in spikes and laying down track. Then one day they invented a machine to do it. And he says "Fuck that, I'm a MAN" and he challenges the machine to a race to lay down a mile of track. It takes two days. Neck and neck the whole time. They get right to
So then what?
What're you doing? You're doing something.
He's the best painter in the world. I'm gonna give him one of these.
Check you later, man.
Willie Mays!!! Willie Mays!!!
We got beat.
You gonna carry that around all night?
What's the rush, John Henry?
I ain't John Henry.
Good.
I don't really have any problems.
Good. What do you have?
What's your fuckin' problem? You get a girlfriend and a little attention and then start acting all uppity with me.
That's not how I meant it. For all you know, you might just be a flash in the pan! You can never tell.
She's good.
I guess it was a long time ago.
Sit down! You're gonna fall out!
Me fall? Let's get some drugs!
Drugs??!
No, don't tell me – you just got fired by your crazy boss.
I guess you did.
Guess I just got sick of him.
Can I walk you home?
Have you been camping? You could use a scrub.
You do! You definitely do.
Just come to the Mudd Club on Friday.
I don't go there. Too many party girls.
Party girls? Can I call you?
I thought you hated this place?
Wanna go get some breakfast?
Basquiat, those are my best clothes!!! What are you doing?
C'mon, baby, I painted them for you. They're beautiful now.
... I'll buy you some new ones.
Do you know what he's saying?
What who's saying?
... What's the matter?
Oh, God, Basquiat, you scared the shit out of me. How the fuck could you do that to yourself?
You're back.
It's Monday morning.
It's not Sunday? I missed you. You shouldn't leave me alone.
You're blaming me? I had to go see my family.
I'm your family.
Basquiat, don't lie. This is smack.
You look fucking beautiful, beautiful.
Which island of Hawaii do you want our house to be on? Maui? Kaui? Molokai?
I hadn't thought about it.
Oahu, Lanai, Niihau, Kahoolawee –
It looks done.
... babies.
You mean babies with you?
What's wrong with me?
Hi.
Hi.
What's that?
So are you really friends with Andy? He seems like such a weirdo.
He's not. He's out of town and he calls me every day. What's weird about him?
Don't you think he's using you?
So. Are you ready? I start Columbia next fall. Of course, there's like, a year of pre-med stuff, but – whatever. I'm really excited. And: Rene gave me a job as his secretary. His poems are getting published.
How is he?
Wow. Congratulations. I hate that asshole. Thanks for coming. I guess I just wanted to find out how you're –
What's that about?
That is amazing. What year is it?
Baby, I think about you a lot. I'm really sorry about everything. You have to believe me. I'm serious. I wish, y'know, that we were –
You don't have to be sorry. There's no one to blame. Jean, you're a real artist. I thought I was one. You made me realize I wasn't.
I'll take three big Macs, two chocolate shakes, two orders of fries, and an apple pie.
Forget it .I'll take six, no, seven chocolate shakes, an order of fries, a Big Mac, and two apple pies.
Is that the best quality you have?
Yeah, it's the best one.
I'll take the whole tin.
It's three thousand dollars!
I really... admire you.
Me? Why?
You did it! You made it. I'm a painter, too.
That's great.
Would you check out my studio some time?
What's your name, man?
They call me Steve, but I prefer Shenge.
Hi.
Hi.
I've seen you before. I like your paintings a lot. Your hair was different.
You like your dad's paintings?
Some of them.
See you later.
How can I ever thank you?
Come on.
Wanna Mac?
No, I'd like the scarf.
Have a Mac.
I don't eat junk food.
Oh. I didn't know. I'll take you to the best restaurant in town. You'll miss a great meal and I'll keep the scarf, anyway. What's your name?
You're a fast mover.
That's a beautiful name. French?
What? Wait a minute... talk to me.
Life doesn't... make... sense. This city's k-killing me. I want my liquid hijack Marlboros!
What? Life's beautiful. Depression isn't permanent. Don't you believe that? What is it – did your girlfriend leave you?
You see? You have someone to live for.
No, I don't. I'm alone. We all are. Especially here. The world's unjust. The respect fools get. The disrespect I get.
What is it you want? Respect? I have respect for you, just for making this call. One philosopher said "Sadness is a sin against the richness of the world." Think about it. Feel it.
What? What do you want?
You heard of Albert Milo. I made that niggah. I'm Rene Ricard. Didn't you read "Not About Albert Milo?" I know who to hype. Baby, I'm gonna make you a star.
Can you put me in the ring with him?
I can put you in the ring with him. Even book the dates. But those big boys know how to fight. They could make you look real sissy. I was looking at that painting upstairs. It's the first time a picture made me embarrassed to own anything. So what's your real name? 'Samo?'
Uh huhh... Band practice? It's Benny. He wants to know why you're not at band practice...?
Fuck band practice... If you're gonna be a painter you're gonna have to break a few hearts – you don't wanna be like Tony Bennett..
Tony Bennett... What do you mean?
Singing on stage and painting in your spare time.
I didn't know Tony Bennett painted.
So keep painting.
Yes, Boss. If you're so smart, why are you here with me in this basement?
You're news. I want the scoop. I write it down. When I speak, no one believes me. But when I write it down, people know it's true. There's never been a black painter in art history that's been considered really important, you know?
So what?
So shut up and keep painting..
What time is it?
That one's for you.
Thanks... I'll take it tonight.
You fucking little whore! You sold my painting! I'm gonna tell you something, brother – when you're climbing up the ladder of success, don't kick out the rungs! Believe that shit.
I'll make you another one.
Hey, Rene.
Jean, could you get me a Phillips screwdriver?
A what?
A Phillips head. From the toolbox.
'Phillips head,' right?
You don't have any!!!
Jean? Hold this, please. You'll get there. But it's good to have something to fall back on. That's why I became an electrician. It pays the rent. Y'know, I'm an artist, too.
I didn't know.
OK! Goodbye!
Pipe down, Lech. Let him order.
You nuts? Let him order? You on his side? You're not such a good waitress. You get out, too.
I just don't think you're being fair.
I need this?
YO! Jean, this is Ramellzee.
Yo... You know why Rammellzee's here, don't you?
Uh-oh!
Man, I was up on him years ago on the IRT.
You're selling and ending the culture. Not one bit of information. Only to get the money and growl with the power, man.
Mr. Wayne ... Something wrong?
It's cold.
It's vichyssoise, sir.
I suppose you feel better now, sir.
Sorry, Alfred, I have to get to the Plaza. You heard Penguin, he was practically begging me to show.
Which is why I hoped you'd snub him.
'Fraid I can't. There's been a kidnapping ... Tell Selina ... Ms. Kyle ... that some business came up -- no, tell her some major deal fell through, she'll feel sorry ... No, no, here's what to do, just tell her ... let her know that I ... not in a dumb "Be my girlfriend way," but --
I will relay the message.
Selina ... more facets than Vicki, huh? Funny, but sort of mysterious...
"Affair" ... yes, maybe ... if she ...
Mr. Wayne ... a reminder: Tonight is that loathsome party, hosted by that odious Mr. Shreck. May we RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
I'm tempted, but ... well ... it is an occasion for celebration, and ... umm ... Selina will probably be there ...
Ah. "Who", may I ask, are you going "as"?
I guess this mean we won.
Well ... Come what may... Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Where's the fire?
How could you? I'm a woman...
As I was saying: I'm a woman, and can't be taken for granted. Are you listening, you Batman you?
Hanging on every word.
A "he-man"? Sure. They shine that beacon in the sky, then wonder what hole I crawl out of.
Wow, a real response and you're not even trying to get into my tights. But explain me ... If you're so down on "them" out there, why bust your bat-buns to protect 'em?
I can't sleep either, lately. A little link, between us. But bottom line baby, you live to preserve the peace, and I'm dying to disturb it. That could put a strain on our relationship.
Hey stud: I thought we had something together.
A kiss under the misteltoe. Mistletoe can be deadly, if you eat it ...
You're the second man who killed me this week. But hey, no prob ... I've got seven lives left.
I tried to grab you -- save you --
First you're gonna shut up. Then you're gonna turn yourself in.
Don't be naive. The law doesn't apply to people like him! Or us --
Admiring your handiwork?
Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
You're not the Mayor.
Once you were their freak, now these clowns do your bidding. Must feel pretty good.
Better than you know, Bat-boy.
What're you really after?
Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask. But you don't really think you'll ever win, playing it your way ..?
I think you're jealous that I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!
We've met.
Sorry. I mistook me for somebody else.
You mean mistook <u>me</u>?
Didn't I say that?
You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
No. And you don't seem like the type who takes orders from him.
Well that's a ... long story ...
Well, I could ... free up some time...
I'm listed.
Pouring myself into my work.
I, ah ... didn't catch your last name.
Selina. Hi. Didn't mean to --
Scare me? No, actually, I was just scaring myself ...
I don't see how ... Anyway, it's a treat to find you out in the world, away from Ebeneezer Shreck.
The news these days ... weird. People looking to superheroes for their peace of mind, and blaming their problems on super-villains ... instead of themselves, or their spouses at least.
And it's not even accurate ... I mean, "Batman Blows It"? The guy probably prevented <u>millions</u> in property damage.
You're not coming to that, are you? "The Relighting of the Tree" thing?
I wouldn't be caught dead. No, it's probably how I would be caught. The Mayor stupidly took Cobblepot's bait --
You almost sound enthusiastic.
I detest violence, but ... Christmas complacency can be a downer, too.
You've got a dark side, Selina Kyle.
No darker than yours, Bruce.
Well, I'm... braver at night, if that's what you mean...
... Maybe I'll watch it on TV.
"We"? You and...
... and me. No, that's be me and me. Is that what I said?
I'm sure he's wonderful company and all, but ... doesn't the gold- plated bachelor bit get a little ... stale?
Somewhat like the lonesome secretary syndrome, I'd suppose.
Executive Assistant. Secretary. Girlfriend?
Had one. Didn't work.
What went wrong? Hang on, I think I know ... You kept things from her.
Nope, I told her everything.
And the truth frightened her?
Well ... How can I put this. There were two truths ... and she had trouble reconciling them. Because <u>I</u> had trouble reconciling them. Vicki said.
"Vicki." Ice-skater, or stewardess?
Photojournalist.
Well? Was "Vicki" right? About your difficulty with duality?
It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're commited.
I, ah ... never fool around on the first date.
Nor I, on the second.
Sorry about yesterday ... Some big deal came together, no, fell through, and --
'S'okay, I had to go home, feed my cat.
There's a big, comfy California King over in Bedding. What say we ...
Y'mean take off our costumes?
Guess I'm sick of wearing masks ...
Same here. So why'd you come tonight?
Now don't give me a killing-Max- won't-solve-anything speech, because it will. Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber baron always coming out on top? When he should be six feet under?
Jesus, Selina, you're not the judge <u>or</u> the jury... I mean, just who do you think you <u>are</u>?
A kiss under the mistletoe. Mistletoe can be deadly, if you eat it ...
... What do we do?
Hmm. Primitive ventilation.
Damn those Carny bolsheviks the other night, throwing bricks at my windows --
No. No glass on the inside.
I'd offer you coffee, but my assistant is using her vacation time.
If my life has had any meaning, that's the meaning.
Max, I'm gonna fight you on this. The Mayor and I have already spoken and we see eye to eye here. So --
Mayors come and go. And heirs tire easily. Really think a flyweight like you could last fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck.
Not compared to that "Cobblepot" person you're promoting...
Scared of Oswald, are you? Why, if his parents hadn't eighty- sixed him you two might've been roomies, at prep school!
"Oswald" is linked to the Red Triangle Gang. I can't prove it but we both know it's true.
What happened?
Ingenious costume. Let me guess ... Trust-fund goody-goody?
Course you're feeling fine ... You almost made a monster the Mayor of Gotham City.
I am the light of this city. <u>And</u> I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it really matter who's the "mayor"?
It does to me.
I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you with a minimum of fuss. Money, jewels, a very big ball of string...
Your blood, Max.
My blood? I ... I gave at the office.
Let's make a deal. <u>Other</u> than my blood, what can I off--
Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
Selina! Selina Kyle!? You're fired! And Bruce -- Bruce Wayne! Why are you dressed up as Batman?
He <u>is</u> Batman, you moron.
You killed me, Batman killed me, Penguin killed me. Three lives down. Got enough bullets to finish me off?
I'll warm ya! I got hot mitts --!
Down, Oswald. We have to talk. You see we've got something in common.
Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait don't tell me ... Naked sexual charisma?
Batman. The thorn in both our sides, the fly in our ointment.
Are you perchance a registered voter? I'm also a mayoral prospect.
I have but one pet cause, today: Ban The Bat.
We're gonna disassemble his spiffy old Batmobile, then reassemble it as an H-bomb on wheels. Capiche? Yesterday's victor is tomorrow's vapor.
Y'mean frame him?
Thanks. Jeez. Not used to this man-woman, cat-mouse business. Generally the babes flock to me, I tell 'em take a number.
He napalmed my arm. He knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I want to play an integral part in his degradation.
Well, a plan <u>is</u> forming ... A vicious one, involving the loss of innocent life ...
Let's consummate our fiendish union!
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
Me, domesticated? By you? I doubt it! You repulsive... awful... <u>penguin</u>.
Son!
I ... it was terrible, I leaned over, and accidentally knocked her, out --
She jumped. She'd been depressed.
Yes. <u>Yes</u>. Boyfriend trouble ..?
You buy this "blurry" business?
Ten, nine...
The Christmas Eve of Destruction -- !
... eight, seven...
Silent night, violent night...
Well, um... funny thing, your penguins... they're not responding to the launch command. Fact they're kind of turned around now... Like someone jammed our signal...
But who could've ... no, don't say it.
Actually this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably, and dying from the carcinogens you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice? You tell me.
My god ... it's true. The Penguin- Man of the sewers ... Please, don't h--
What, is that supposed to "hypnotize" me?
No, just give you a splitting headache.
Most of all, I want to find out who I am. By finding my parents. Learning my "human" name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted.
Yawn. That coulda come from anywhere.
What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham?
A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
You know what, Mr. ... Penguin-Sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out ...
Don't look, Oswald. It's a surprise.
Bu ... wh ... I ... I mean ...
Yes, adulation is a cross to bear. God knows <u>I</u> know. But someone's got to supplant our standing-in- the-way-of-progress Mayor and don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot, you've got the magic!
Wonder if it's worth my time.
We need signatures. To overturn the ballot. I can supply those, Oswald.
I could teach her my "French flipper" trick...
Oswald: We need one more thing.
A platform? Lemme see ... Stop global warming. Start global cooling. Make the world a colder place. <u>Frigid</u> ...
That's fine, Oswald. But to get the Mayor recalled, we still need a catalyst, a trigger, an incident. Like the Reichstag fire, the Gulf of Tonkin.
Precisely. But they must come and go via the plumbing ducts that I've provided. That shall be as sacred as the separation between church and state.
I got my own ... <u>quest</u> to pursue up here. It's crucial I not get sidetracked, with some silly ...
Sidetracked? Oswald, this is your chance to fulfill a destiny that your parents carelessly discarded ...
Reclaim my birthright, y'mean?
He didn't even lose a limb, an eyeball ... bladder control ..
Max! Relax! Josh and Jen'll put a spin on this. We'll talk it over tonight, at your costume par--
You're coming with me, you Great White Dope! To die, way down in the sewer!
Not Chip! Please! Penguin ... If you have one iota of human feeling, you'll take me instead.
I don't. So, no.
I'm the one you want! Penguin, please! Ask yourself: Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you? Isn't it Max, not Chip, whom you want to see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
Working late? I'm touched.
Why, how industrious. And how did you open protected files, may I ask?
Big giant <u>capacitor</u>. And that, instead of generating power it'll sort of be -- -- <u>sucking</u> power, from Gotham City, and storing it ... stockpiling it, sort of? Which, unless I'm being dense, is a novel approach, I'd say.
... Where did curiosity get the cat?
I'm no cat. I'm just an assistant. A <u>secretary</u> --
And a very, very good one.
It's our secret. Honest. How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me.
Selina?! Selina ... Selina ...
That's my name, Maximillions. Don't wear it out, babe, or I'll make you buy me a new one.
Morning, Max. Bummer about the store. You insured?
I damn well better be. In fact I want you to phone those goniffs over at Gotham Insurance and tell them --
How long has it been, Uncle Alfred?
Joanna and I were in love in London. But when I realized our age difference was too extreme -
Uncle Alfred left for America. Much to my mother's dismay -
You certainly will not.
I'm sorry, Uncle, I came to tuck you in. And...
I guess they don't have fax machines on elephants.
I have been trying to reach Wilfred with no success. As one grows older, one yearns for family.
It's good to see you again, Uncle. I've missed you.
I'm sorry. I was too late.
Too late for what, dear child?
I came to give you your freedom, a chance to live the life you choose. The same gift you gave me.
Find my brother Wilfred. Give him This. I have duties he must fulfill in my stead. Only family can be trusted.
What is it?
Uncle Alfred?
In spirit only, I'm afraid.
He's over-eager, impulsive. I can't trust him not to get hurt.
Perhaps the truth is you don't really trust anyone.
Don't tell me you're on his side. Again.
I must have dozed off. My sincerest apologies, sir.
You have?
Well, I hope you'll stay with us.
Oh, but, sir. So much goes on-
Congratulations on your apprehension of Mr. Freeze. Batman monopolized the evening news.
Is there something wrong, sir?
Alfred, am I pigheaded? Is it always my way or the highway?
But I can't can I?
I am as well as can be expected.
Alfred, I know you're sick -- I can get you the best doctors.
Have you ever regretted your life working here, Alfred?
Attending to heroes? No sir. My Only regret is that I was never able to be out there with you.
Alfred, if I've never told you...I just want to say...
I've spent my whole life trying to beat back death. What good are all my heroics now if I can't save you?
I love you, old man.
Alfred, old friend, I could use your help right now.
It's good to see you.
What seems to be the problem?
Women.
That, sir, does not compute.
First Ivy had an intoxicating effect on both Dick and me. Tonight my feelings spread to someone else.
Specify, please.
Pamela Isley. I was so attracted to her I couldn't reason clearly. I still can't. She used to work for Wayne Enterprises. Find a file.
Advanced botany. DNA splicing. Recombinant animal plant patterns. Pheromone extractions.
Pheromones?
Glandular secretions from animals. Scents that create powerful emotions. Fear. Rage...
What is it?
Alfred, are you...?
I'm on break from-
Oxbridge Academy?
Their new computer sciences division. How did you know?
Sometimes counting on someone else is the only way to win.
Hey, I'm the one who kicked Ivy's botanical butt. Personally. Me. I did.
Please be looking for me.
Al's main squeeze. Is she here? I'm about to scrape the bottom of my shoe off my tongue, right?
I could have made it, you know. I didn't need your help.
This is to replace the bike I lost. I'll get you the rest.
Keep it.
Of course, Dick Grayson, ward of the fabulously wealthy Bruce Wayne. Why would you need a few hundred dollars?
Hey, what's your problem?
I started racing after my parents died. There was something about the speed, the danger, that took me out of myself, that made the hurt go away. You wouldn't understand.
You'd be surprised.
Street racing isn't exactly an acceptable major at Oxbridge. They kicked me out. it doesn't matter. I've won enough money to do what I've always dreamed.
Alfred has supported me my whole life. Now I'm going to pay him back. I'm going to liberate him from his dismal life of servitude.
What are you talking about?
Servants, Masters, it's ridiculous. Alfred is the sweetest, most noble man alive and he's subjugated all his life and dreams to someone else.
Alfred and Bruce are like family.
Paying someone to prepare your meals and do your laundry and clean your dishes, you call that family?
Alfred's happy here.
Alpha. Got it. What the hell is attack plan Alpha?
Youwsa! Nothing but air.
This is easy.
Crimefighter's rule number one: never say that.
Crimefighter's rule number two.
I'm afraid to ask.
Pow! What! Kazow!
What exactly are you doing?
It'll take the satellites about a minute to re-align, but...damn!
Damn? Damn is not good.
You were a great scientist once. Don't squander your genius on evil.
After you have frozen, your icy tomb will plummet back to Gotham.
Mr. Bane, I'll finish off the city. You, as they say in showbiz, are on. Take the boys and kill the kids. But bring me the Bat.
You're loosing your cool
Go on, kill me too. Just as you killed my wife.
Nice suit. And today you are?
Nightwing. Scourge of darkest evil.
This is all about fashion for you, isn't it?
... A giant drilling truck burrowing under the city ...
Mr. Freeze.
The batcomputer tracks him heading for the Gotham Museum.
The new antiquities exhibit. The Second Sun of the Sudan.
Of course. He's going to steal the giant white diamond.
I was just hanging around.
I thought you were going to stay in the museum and round up the thugs.
Watch the first step.
You think Freeze will take the bait?
You don't have two million. Three million - -
Pull back. You can't make the jump.
She's definitely part of this. It's weird, for a while Ivy was all I could think about. But then...
I know. The feeling just vanished.
I can't believe we were fighting over a bad guy.
Bad, yes. Guy, no. This is one majorly beautiful evil person.
I'm totally over her. Positively.
Me too. Great stems, though.
Umm-hmmmm.
How did you...?
She's still alive. He's adapted his freezing technology to reverse McGregor's Syndrome. He's even found a cure for the early stages of the disease.
Can he save her?
No beauty...
Remember the victim at the airport. Toxins introduced through the mouth.
What are you talking about?
Why is she so desperate to kiss us? I'm betting her lips are poison.
We gotta get those locks changed.
She knows who we are.
I guess we'll just have to kill her.
No sign of the snowman.
If we could relay the sunlight-
Winded, old timer?
They're overly protective. You're Not going to hurt me are you, Ms...
Dr. Pamela Isley.
What can I do for you, Doctor? A research grant? A hospital wing?
Actually, I already work for you. Or did. Your arboreal preservation project in South America.
We cut our support. A conflict of ideologies. Dr. Woodrue was a lunatic.
I see you knew him.
That lab was consumed by fire last week. how did you manage to escape?
Forget the stars. Look here, at the Earth, our mother, our womb. She deserves our loyalty and protection. And yet you spoil her lands, poison her oceans, blacken her skies. You're killing her.
Your intentions are noble, but no diesel fuel for heat. No coolants to preserve food. Millions would die of cold and hunger alone.
Acceptable losses in a battle to save the planet.
Tell me, billionaire, would you warm faster to my pleas if I looked more like Ms. January here?
Physical perfection, charm and wealth tossed over for a dowdy spinster. How do you explain your behavior?
I can't. But perhaps tonight, over dinner...I've just had an opening.
No!?
Umm. What I mean is...no plans at the moment...
And?
You're not even listening to me.
What? I'm sorry. You were saying...
Julie, I'm not the marrying kind. There are things about me you wouldn't understand.
I know you're a dedicated bachelor. That you've had a your wild nights.
Wild doesn't exactly cover it.
But there's nothing you've done under the cover of darkness I couldn't learn to understand.
I wouldn't bet on that.
Who's Ivy?
What?
You just called me Ivy. Who's Ivy?
Dr. Isley. it was like I could feel you in the room. You're...enchanting. Gorgeous. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. If you're..um... free...this evening.
Make a choice, Bruce. Her or me.
Well...um...her.
That's gotta hurt.
What happened to his wife?
He needs extreme cold to survive. His cryo-suit uses diamond enhanced lasers to keep him at zero degrees.
Let me get this straight. A brilliant citizen, disfigured by a horrible accident, re-emerges as a psychotic super-villain bent on theft, revenge and destruction. You see a pattern here?
I need the Wayne Diamonds.
We gonna trap ourselves a snowman?
Absolutely. Just as soon as you take ten hours training in the simulator.
Whoa, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Don't go all protective on me. It won't happen again.
Dick, you were reckless. You could have been killed.
I got the diamond. Quell problemo, Bruce?
Of course. Alfred still keeps your mother's picture in his room.
He's dying. And I can't deal with it.
But he's never said a word-
You know Alfred. He'd never say Anything. But I can tell. Until you came along, Alfred was the only family I ever had. Without him, I don't know how I would have survived. He saved my life, Dick. And I've never told him.
Talk to him, Bruce. There's nothing worse than losing someone without telling them how you feel.
McGregor's Syndrome. That's what Freeze's wife had.
Yes. But Alfred's condition is less severe. Freeze's research says he cured a case like Alfred's. It just doesn't say how.
I checked the medical database. No one else is even close.
I'm late for the dedication. Then I go after Freeze and Ivy. Alone.
Like hell you do.
Dick, don't push me right now.
Or what? No one can capture Ivy but the big bad Bat. Crap! You just want her for yourself. Don't you? Answer me, damn it!
Yes! Yes, I want her so badly I can taste it. That's the whole point. Look at us. Orphans. Isolated. Obsessed to the exclusion of life, love, family. We're perfect targets. She's done something to us, got us fighting over her somehow.
Hail the all-knowing Bruce Wayne. Here's what I know, she loves me, Not you and it's driving you crazy. It's why you stopped us from kissing. Because if you can't have her, nobody can.
She's clouded your mind. You're not thinking straight.
That's no batlight, it's a birdcall.
Her name is Pamela Isley. I saw her talking to Gordon. She must have stolen his keys, altered the signal-
And she did it all for me. For love.
She's infected us with some kind of pheromone extract-
Is that it, Bruce? I'm under some magic spell?
She wants to kill you.
You'd say anything to keep me away from her. To keep her for yourself.
One question. When Batgirl and I rolled off the telescope, how come you didn't try and save us? It was the first time I fell and you weren't there to catch me.
Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady? Ms. Moss?
Listen, Captain Cold, the suit, maybe, even though silver went out in the 70's. But those boots are unforgivable. What is it with men?
Impressive
Well, I, my most unabominable snowman, have been impressed by you. In fact I propose a pairing. So I'm here to set you free.
An enticing offer. But what does the lady want in return?
I love that belt. What are you, about a fifty Big and Tall?
No gun. How disarming.
I wonder if I can get a cell with a view of the gardens?
My reserves are exhausted. I must have the gems that power my suit.
In my weakened state I am no match for the bat and the bird.
Trust me. Vegetable magnetism.
Fine. While I retrieve my diamonds, you and meatloaf will bring my wife to your lair. She's frozen in -
You will rescue my wife
Make yourself right at home.
Where is my wife?
There was nothing I could do. Batman deactivated her. She's dead.
Their bones will turn to ice. Their blood will freeze in my hands.
Yes. I shall replay the world for sentencing me to a life without the warmth of human comfort. I will blanket the city in endless winter. First Gotham and then the world.
I have created a race of plants with the strength of the deadliest animals. Once you have frozen mankind, my mutants will overrun the globe. The Earth will become a brave new world of only plants. And we shall rule them. For we will be the only two people left in the world.
You will distract the bat and bird while I prepare to freeze Gotham.
Can't we just ice them along with the rest of the citizenry?
That is far too merciful. Batman will watch his beloved Gotham perish, then I will kill him.
As a team, the duncely duo protect each other. But the Robin is young. Impetuous. If I could get him alone-
One kiss and you could lift the mask from his lifeless face. Their secret identities would be revealed. But how best to bait a brid?
The way to a boy's heart is through his ego. What strapping young hero could resist his very own...signal?
Inspired, Ms. Ivy.
Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last.
Freezy, I'm feeling...hot.
I find that unlikely.
Okay, my hair is brittle, my skin is dry and I don't care. I'd weather blizzards to have you. You're the most perfect man I've ever known.
To be frozen. To never change. A life of perpetual ice-olation. There is little perfection in that.
What say we turn up the heat?
You're skating on thin ice. My passion thaws for my bride alone.
Forget your frosty femme. These lips are wet and ready to get frostbite.
Give it up. If you threw yourself-
I'm glad you came. I can't breathe without you.
I want us to be together. But I need to know you're serious about turning over a new leaf. I need a sign.
How about dangerous curves?
Of trust. Tell me your plan.
Kiss me and I'll tell you.
Tell me and I'll kiss you.
Freeze has turned the new telescope into a freezing gun. He's about to turn Gotham into an ice cube.
I've got to stop him.
Bad luck, I'm afraid. It's time to die, little bird.
What do you mean?
You should have heeded your pointy- eared pal. These lips can be murder.
Then you never loved me?
You're too late. Say bye-bye birdie.
What do we have here? A lovely new supply of Venom. I'll just take this to my laboratory for further study.
You have to tell me what you're doing with my Venom.
...Our original sponsor had no stomach for military applications. he cut the funding for our work -
Our work?
Join you? I've spent my life trying to protect plants from extinction and now you corrupt my research into some maniacal scheme for world domination. When I get through you won't be able to get a job teaching high school chemistry, do you hear me, you psycho?
Dr. Isley? Pamela? You look great. Especially for a dead woman.
The dreams again, sir?
I think they're getting worse.
...Would it be a terrible imposition to ask you to take better care of your equipment?
Then you'd have nothing to complain about.
How's the sonar coming, Alfred?
A few hitches sir, but I'm confident we'll have a prototype in no time.
It'll never work.
Scholarly research?
She has an excellent mind.
If I misinterpreted your interest in the lady, I humbly apologize--
I wonder if she'd go out with me.
Do you remember the night I fell into that cave and the bat chased me?
Your parents' wake. Rain fell like tears.
...The night Batman was born. What was I doing in the fields that night, Alfred? What sent me running out into that storm? I keep dreaming about it but I just can't remember.
I don't know, sir. Your dear parents. Suddenly gone. So much loss...
Gee, I'm not sure. Alfred? How many rooms? Total?
Ninety-three, including the sauna.
It's happening again. Just like my parents. A monster comes out of the night. A scream. Two gunshots. I killed them.
What did you say?
He killed them. Two-Face. He slaughtered that boy's parents.
No. You said I. I killed them.
Sorry to bother you, sir. I have some rather distressing news about Master Dick.
Is he all right?
I'm afraid Master Dick has... gone traveling.
He ran away?
Actually, he took the car.
He boosted the Jag? Is that all?
Not the Jaguar. The _other_ car.
The _Rolls_?
Too much wealth. Too fast. Half of Gotham zombied-out. A technology that self destructs. He's protecting more than industrial secrets, Alfred.
Maybe they're right.
Which `they' might that be, sir?
Why do I keep doing this?
Why, indeed?
Could I let Batman go? For Dick. For me. Could I leave the shadows? Have a life. Friends. Family...
She's the first woman in a long time that's... No. She's the first woman ever. And she loves Batman. Not Bruce Wayne. If I let go of Batman I'll lose her.
Perhaps. Perhaps not. Why not ask the lady?
How are you feeling, young man?
Not that young. It's been a long time since you've called me that.
Old habits die hard. Are you alright?
As well as can be expected, I guess. Give me the bad news.
I'm Batman? I remember my life as Bruce Wayne. But all this. It's like the life of a stranger.
Perhaps the fall...
There's one other thing. I feel..
What?
...Afraid.
Bruce. Son. Listen to me. You are a kind man. A strong man. But in truth you are not the most sane man.
...A bat.
What?
I remember a bat. A monster. A demon. Chasing me. Oh my God, Alfred.
Master, Bruce?
All the answers are numbers.
But 1, 3, 1, 8, & 5. What do they mean?
What do maniacs always want?
Recognition, of course.
Letters in the alphabet.
Of course. 13 is M....MRE.
How about, MR. E.
Mystery.
And another name for Mystery?
Enigma.
What now sir?
Claw Island. Nygma's headquarters. I'm sure that's where they're keeping Chase. Are all the Batsuits destroyed?
All except the prototype with the sonar modifications you so disapprove of. But it hasn't yet been tested.
Welcome, Master Grayson. I'm Alfred.
How ya doin', Al?
Al?
May I help you, Master Grayson?
How come this is the only locked door around this museum? What's back there?
Up here, Al.
Just checking, young sir.
_Two_ million dollars waiting to be transferred from the _Second_ Bank of Gotham on the _22nd_ How could Harvey? _Two_-Face resist?
...dual personalities. Abnormal psychology. Washington's poster child for the criminally insane. I read your work.
I'm flattered. Not every girl makes a super-hero's night table. You might have some interesting insights into Two-Face.
Why's that?
Let's just say I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent.
Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.
He's home. I sent the signal.
What's wrong?
I wish I could say my interest in you was purely professional...
Are you trying to get under my cape, Doctor?
A girl cannot live by psychoses alone.
It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.
Now black rubber.
Try a fireman. Less to take off.
We all wear masks.
My life's an open book. You read?
I'm not the kind of guy who blends in at a family picnic.
We could give it a try. I'll bring the wine, you bring the scarred psyche.
You are direct, aren't you?
I haven't had much luck with women...
Help Chase. I'll be back.
Welcome to my parlor said the Riddler to the Bat. How's tricks?
Death. Death. Without taste, sound and all around us. Because there is no way for me to save them or myself. This is one giant death trap.
Wait. I have a riddle for you.
For _me_? Really? Tell me.
I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?
Oh please. You're blind as a bat.
Mr...?
Bruce Wayne. In the flesh.
Um...I'm pretty sure I'm Bruce Wayne. And you are?
I'm gonna need that hand back, Ed.
What? Ah yes. Of course. I'm sorry. It's just that...you're my idol. And some people have been trying to keep us apart.
Mr. Nygma, you'll forgive me for being rude. But what exactly is on your mind?
Call my secretary, she'll set something up. Factory looks great, folks. Keep up the good work.
Wait. You can't go.
We'll talk some other -
So glad you could come.
What? Oh, Edward. Hi. Congratulations. Great party-
What? Oh, it's very impressive.
No grape could be more intoxicating than you, my dear. But we make due. To your charms. Skol.
Nostrovia.
La'chiem.
Slanta.
Rinka.
I notice you've sub-divided your B coupons. Feeling a little light on principle?
How can I help you, Mr. Wayne?
Psychiatrists make you nervous?
Just ones this beautiful.
The infamous Wayne charm. Does it ever shut off?
Still play with dolls, Doctor?
She's a Malaysian dream warden. She stands sentry while you sleep and calms your dreams. Need one?
My opinion. This letter writer is a total wacko.
Wacko? That a technical term?
Patient apparently suffers from acute obsessional syndrome with potential homicidal styles. Work better for you?
So what you're saying, this guy's a total wacko, right?
I think the question would be, do you have a thing for bats?
So, this Riddler, he's dangerous?
What do you know about obsession?
It's a stretch but I'll manage.
The letter writer is obsessed with you. His only escape may be...
To kill me.
You understand obsession better than you let on.
No insights here, doc. Just trying to get comfortable on your couch. Oops. Times up.
That's usually my line.
Look, I'd love to keep chatting-
Would you? I'm not so sure.
But I'm going to have to get you out of those clothes.
Excuse me.
I'm surprised you aren't blind by now.
Like normal folks.
That kid is amazing.
I don't get you Bruce Wayne.
Me? I'm easy. Especially after a couple of martinis.
The glib, cavalier routine, it really is an act, isn't it?
Look, I'm rock climbing Sunday. How about coming along?
Bruce, much to my surprise, you seem like a really great guy...
But...
Well, I met someone...
Fast work. You just moved here.
You could say he kind of dropped out of the sky and bang-. I think he felt it too.
He sure did.
What?
The style of the letters I'm getting matches those found at the crime sites. Why would The Riddler be sending me riddles? Who's your decorator? U-Haul?
A lot of what happened is jagged. Pieces missing. I can't really remember. I just get flashes. Usually in my dreams. I'd kind of gotten used to them. At least accepted them....
And now....
Find anything interesting?
Why do I feel like the other man, here?
Come on, Bruce. This is what I do for a living.
I'd say this goes a little beyond taking your work home.
Why do you do that?
What?
Throw up that ridiculous superficial mask. If you're jealous...
I'm not-
In a sense we are all two people. The side we show in daylight. And that side we keep in shadow.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were sulking.
Keep me off the couch, Doc. Your fees are a little rich for me.
Touchy, touchy.
So how goes your `scholarly' pursuit of Batman?
Oh God, Bruce. You're still jealous.
And the beast slouches towards Bethelem.
There's something I want to talk with you about. It's...Well, we.. I...
Your memories are repressed. They're trying to break through. Relax. Try to remember-.
I don't want to remember!
My parents are laid out in the library. Their skin smells like talcum powder. I'm so small. My father's diary is on his desk like always. I'm opening the book. Reading. I'm running out into the storm. The book is in my hands. I can't hear my screams over the rain. I'm falling...
What does it say? What hurts so much, Bruce? What does the book say?
I don't-.
The last entry read, Bruce insists on seeing a movie tonight. Bruce insists. I made them go out. I made them take me to the movie. To that theater... It was my fault. I killed them.
Oh God, Bruce, you were a child. You weren't responsible.
...Not the bat?
What?
I always thought it was the bat that scared me that night that changed my life. But it wasn't. The real fear was hiding underneath: what I read in the journal, that my parents' deaths were my fault. That's what I couldn't remember. That's the crime I've been paying for all these years.
What are you talking about?
Okay. I'm outta here.
Excuse me.
Where will you go? The circus is halfway to Metropolis by now.
I got no place at the circus without my family. I'm going to get a fix on Two-Face. Then I'm going to kill him.
Listen, Dick. Killing Two-Face won't take the pain away. It'll make it worse.
I need to be part of this.
Absolutely not.
Me and my brother Chris were putting money aside so our folks could retire. Dad's knee was going. Chris was engaged, you know that? Two-Face took...everything. Now I can pay him back.
Back off, man.
You don't understand. It's an addiction. You fight night after night, trying to fill the emptiness. But the pain's back in the morning. And somewhere along the way it stops being a choice. I want better for you.
What the hell did you think you were doing?
You have a real gratitude problem. You know that, Bruce? I need a name. Batboy? The Dark Earl? What's a good side kick name?
How about Richard Grayson, college student?
...I missed Two-Face by a heartbeat. When we catch him, you gotta let me kill him!
We don't kill. Killing is what damns you. It-. What am I talking about? This conversation is over. You're going away to school.
You can't-.
Dick, let go. Revenge will eat you alive. Trust me. I know.
But what about all the good we can do? There are monsters out there. Gotham needs us.
Exactly. And once you'd killed him you'd be lost. Like me. All this has to be a choice. Otherwise...it's a curse.
Bruce, you can't.
Chase?
Edward...
Who is it?
It's Dr. Meridian. Chase. Do you remember me?
How could I forget?
Dr. Burton tells me you know who Batman is.
Who is The Batman, Edward?
Can't tell if you don't say please.
I really do apologize, Mr. Wayne. His project was terminated this morning...
Why be brutalized by an uncaring world? My RES Box will give Joe Q Public a realm where he is king. Not that someone like you would need it. Someone so intelligent. Witty. Charming. But for the lonely, the...
Paranoid? The psychotic?
Hell. Might even bring old Stickley here a few extra bucks. Huh, Fred?
I'll show you it works.
Yo. Charlie. Gimmie an order of brain deep-fry. Extra well done. Hold the neurons. Patient exhibits symptoms of psycho neural overload. Notation: obviously higher settings can be dangerous to the subject. Riddle me this, Fred. What is everything to someone and nothing to everyone else? Your mind of course. And now mine pumps with the power of yours. New from Brain-bok. Da pump. Think
...Fired...your fired...your fired. You understand?! Fired!!
_We_ sure are.
...You gonna kill me?
Might. Might not. Could say we're of two minds on the subject.
I got family. ...Please.
...or death.
Please. I swear I won't say noth-
That floor has got to be very hard. Is that better?
Uh, yeah. Thanks, Mr..uh...Face.
Wait! You said you'd let me go!
How'd you find us?
You _are_ Two-Face, you would need to face both rivers, both uptown and downtown simultaneously. Only one spot in Gotham serves these bi- zonal, bi-coastal needs...
Yet so bright and chipper and conservative! It's so you. And yet so _you_! Very few people are both a summer _and_ a winter. But you pull it off nicely.
A man with a death wish.
Harvey. You need me. Since you've gotten out of Arkham, you've managed, what? To bungle stealing a safe? Wreck a statue? And, correct me if I'm wrong here, but weren't you outsmarted by an acned acrobat at the circus?
Holy shit.
No. Wait...
Where are you sending Batboy this time?
Sure, E = MC squared. Until you factor in more than three dimensions. Then... Damn. Hit us again.
Not until you do that thing I like. On se tue pour des mesnonges. J'ai gache ma vie... Woah. Harsh toke.
Oh my God. Jim Morrison was right.
About what?
Why do we need you? You only come between us. We can be the smartest person in Gotham City. We want the empire for ourselves. Time's up, laughing boy.
Go ahead. You can say it.
We want to dust him. We truly want to dust him bad.
A-14.
B-12.
A hit.
How high up would you say that is?
I'd say about thirty feet, sir.
You know, if you cut your bathroom in half, you'd have my apartment.
Which bathroom is that, sir?
Yes?
Alexander Knox. Gotham Globe.
Mr. Wayne is out for the day.
Excuse me, sir. Commissioner Gordon was compelled to leave - -very unexpectedly. He asked me to convey his regrets.
It's all right, Alfred. Everything's under control.
Where's the boy?
Upstairs. He's quite docile.
I know the feeling. It won't last. He's a long way ahead of where I was at his age.
How long's it been, Alfred? A quarter of a century? It seems like yesterday. I guess we ended up doing more harm than good.
Don't ever say that, sir. Don't ever believe it.
Like your boyfriend. He's kinda hot.
Take me. Let the boy go.
Gosh, I could kill you, but then you'd miss my party. And you, Batman -- you're the guest of honor!
What are you talking about?
You know, we should've sat down and had us a little heart-to-heart. I bet we would have got on famously.
... Murderer...
GET IN THE CAR!!
Look! Police!
I know. I called them.
What about the girl?
Can't we --
How much do you weigh?
...Not even a 'thank you'?
I'll have to ask you for that film.
Please.
The Joker is a murderer. And you were as good as dead. So --
Look, I appreciate what you did for me. But this is my job. And I'm keeping those pictures.
All right, I'll develop the photos. Anything I don't want is yours.
How do I know you won't keep them all?
Thank you, Vicki.
... How long have I been out?
Quite a while. I took the scenic route.
What is this stuff? Kevlar?
Better. It's not on the market yet.
It doesn't protect your head, though.
How'd you find this place?
They don't come down here. They're afraid of the lights.
I loathe bats.
What is that?
They've got it all wrong. They're watching the warehouses, the loading docks, looking for a tamperer. The Joker is supplying tainted ingredients at the source.
That can't be right. That would mean every shipment of every product is poisoned. We'd all be dead.
I just can't absorb it all. This place, the equipment. What it must have cost. Why all the secrecy? Why do you wear the mask?
I don't want to jeopardize anyone close to me.
Is this what you wanted?
You could've killed him, you know. You could've killed the Joker.
I assume in my usual charming manner I've just insulted the host. Alexander Knox.
Bruce Wayne. -- I've read your work. I quite like it.
Great. Give me a grant.
"This is Miss Vale." -- That felt redundant.
That's how it is, chum. One column - and I can bring all this tumbling down. I can take you off the streets for good.
What is it you want?
I want you to hang up the suit. And I want you to stay away from Vicki.
I can't do that. Not while the Joker's still at large.
See, I don't know how it happened... she's a smart girl and you are an extraordinary screwed-up guy... but she's in love with you.
Tell me, Knox. If you've got the story, why haven't you printed it?
Do you want a drink?
Yeah, a drink. 'Civilized,' right?
I don't... seek publicity -- Will you be staying in Gotham for a while?
As far as I know.
Do you sail?
Two drinks and I start swinging from the rooftops. Look, I bore myself silly. Let's talk about you. How the hell did you wind up in Corto Maltese?
That's a tough one. Have you ever seen combat?
No.
Neither had I. Odd desire for a woman, I guess.
Odd desire for anyone.
Well. A couple of years ago when their president was requesting aid I went down there for Newsweek. The beaches were nice. And at nights -- they had a band -- I danced on the hotel patio. Of course I never saw what was really happening there. When the war broke out I had to go back. And I promised myself that this time...
What did you see?
There's terror everywhere. If you train yourself to look for it.
Bruce, really, when I say these things I don't mean to criticize you.
In other words, what right do I have to talk about terror.
As much as I do. It's not that. I don't want to be depressing, that's all.
I'm sorry, Bruce, I Just can't seem to get a handle on this conversation.
But it's not fair. I'm half drunk and you're not even --
I'll take you home if you'd like.
God. You would. Come on, Bruce. I just want to get two drinks in you. As an experiment.
Maybe we should just kiss.
I don't sing very well.
To tell you the truth, I'd just about given up waiting.
I said I'd call you the minute I got free. And I did -- And here we are.
All street mimes should be executed.
I know it's late. I -- Are you there?
Yes, Bruce -- I'm here --
I'm sorry I had to stand you up today. I'd like to make it up to you.
Well, Bruce -- I don't think -- that would be possible.
I realize... the way things have gone between us... ... I wish you'd reconsider.
Vicki?... This is Batman. I thought I'd call and see how you're doing.
... I know it's you, Bruce. I'm not going to talk to you unless we can discuss it...
Who's this 'Bruce'? Are you trying to make me jealous?
So we just pretend none of this ever happened. We never met. We -- -- You're going to get yourself killed, Bruce. You know that, don't you?
No one would miss me.
Money makes money, Vicki. The foundation runs itself -- I'm extraneous to the process.
You're one man. You can't save everybody.
Bruce, at the rate you're going, you can't even save yourself.
It's like the last time. He sent me a present before he --
Oh, Bruce. Don't tell me you carry it around with you.
"It worked for Van Gogh. Let's kiss and make up."
Keep her on the line!
I'm sorry, she hung up. What are --
Finding out where she is.
How can you do that if she's already off the line?
Got it!
What now?
All this apparatus, Vicki... This house, and the money, and the power ... It was never mine. It was something I inherited. Bruce Wayne was something I inherited. All I ever hoped for was someone who could see through Bruce -- who could see me -- and not be frightened.
I'm frightened of you, Bruce. I'm frightened for you.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I half wish you'd stay a cripple.
Ohhhh... You don't mean that.
I don't, but... I do. It's just... I love you, Bruce. I don't want you to...
We'll raid the Ace the moment we get a warrant.
He'll be ready when you do. Remember what happened at the apartment.
All right, Bruce, what do you suggest?
I suggest a nice big bomb.
Good. A bomb. On a blind tip from Bruce Wayne -- We do have laws.
Then for God's sake, Harvey, cancel the anniversary celebration.
We've told him we'll deal. What could he possible have to gain by --
Do you still think the Joker cares about money??
We got 'em!
SOMEBODY'S KILLED THE POWER!!
WHAT?
SOMEBODY'S KILLED THE --
Boss! Jesus! They've --
MOVE! Can't you do something??
I missed you, Lieutenant.
Sorry. We had another bat sighting.
I'm on top of it. If there's a problem --
I answer to Grissom, punk. Not to you.
Got it all figured, huh? Grissom just sits back and hands you the reins. -- Maybe he don't know what we know.
What are you talking about?
Let's beat it, man. I don't like it up here.
What are you, scared of heights?
I dunno, man. After what happened to Johnny Gobs - -
Look, Johnny Gobs got ripped and walked off a roof, all right? No big loss.
That ain't what I heard. That ain't what I heard at all. I heard the bat got him.
Gimme a break, will you? Shut up.
Five stories, straight down. There was no blood in the body.
There was no blood, man. My brother says... all the bad things you done... they come back and haunt you...
My brother's a priest, man.
You shouldn'ta turned the gun on that kid, man. You shouldn'ta --
Okay, a break-in. Trash the office, make off with the books ... "Industrial espionage."
Why do you need me to handle a simple break-in?
I understand.
It's me. "Sugar Bumps."
Jack? Thank God. I can't believe it's you. I heard you'd been --
It's not the girl, Jack. Sooner or later you would've tried to take me. You may get me now, but your life won't be worth a dime.
Jack, listen -- we'll cut a deal --
Jack - - please - - WIPE THAT LUNATIC GRIN OFF YOUR FACE.
I don't like taking orders from Grissom. And I especially don't like taking orders from Grissom's goon.
I've considered that possibility.
And what happens if we say no?
Nobody wants a war, Carmine. If we can't do business, we shake hands and part friends.
That's it?
Joker here. Can we talk?
I'd like to read a prepared statement. 'While this administration remains vehemently opposed to terrorism in any form, we are prepared to negotiate any reasonable demands which will guarantee the safety of the populace.'
All right, then. Here's the deal. Total amnesty... and the sum of ten million dollars, payable in --
Ten million dollars. Ten mi -- YOU CHEAPSKATES! I've just wiped out the stock market. I've cost you billions! I want ten million and one.
Please! We'll talk. Just tell us what you expect.
... Thank you.
And you want a --
Maybe we should start with a portrait of the artist. People might like to see the face behind the makeup.
I've seen worse. Much worse.
... Why the mask?
You SCUM! You SICK FILTH!... You DID THAT to her!
I'll see you burn. I'll see you dead -- GET AWAY FROM ME!!
How'd you know it was me?
Burned out. I need a vacation.
God, Vick, a girl could get hurt doing this.
A girl could get killed - - so they tell me. What's new and hot in Gotham City?
Oh, it's too good. We got a six-foot bat that swoops out of the night and preys on evildoers.
Evildoers, huh? Big or small?
Small so far. I think he's leaving the big fish for Harvey Dent.
Our next D.A. -- I hear Bruce Wayne is throwing a fundraiser. Did you get your invitation yet?
No.
Man, I feel like Robin Leach. You actually know all these people?
Where does one man get all this junk?
All aver the world. They say he's spent half of his life overseas.
Rich. Reclusive. Bankrolls half a dozen charities.
Likes to kill? KNOX Women find him magnetic.
I bet they like him for his big charity balls.
That, and the sweet smell of two hundred million bucks.
Oh. Sorry. I was thinking.
What were you thinking?
Yum, yum.
Guess who's got a date with Bruce Wayne?
Peanuts?
Plain or roasted? Alex, I'm very flattered that you've gone out and done all this research.
Nice snap, huh? Pulitzer Prize, 1963.
Yep. He watched the whole thing happen - - Recognize the beat cop? Jim Gordon
Oh, Bruce...
You are on drugs.
Yeah? According to this, he's in Geneva from '76 to '79. Well, I called Geneva. Nobody there's even heard of the guy - - Probably off in Tibet with some kung fu master.
Are they paying you for all this?
Everybody needs a hobby. You explain it, Vicki. He walks out on his own party. Half an hour later, who turns up? Batman. Sees an execution, freaks out in an alleyway. No place to change.
Allie, I know exactly why you're doing this.
He's best friends with Jim Gordon and Harvey Dent. They would know.
Alexander... I know you.
Right. And they know him. And that's why it would never occur to them for a minute that their old buddy Bruce puts on a cape at night and goes out looking for --
I've had it with you. I'm leaving.
The guy's bats all right. He's bat shit crazy. He -- -- I can't believe it. I was right!!
Allie, he's not.
Not what?
Vicki. We got a wealthy millionaire here... who dresses up like a bat. He goes out at night and swings around -- in his cape -- on a rope. CRAZY BAT-STARD!
Allie... he wants to tell me. I had a roll of film. His face was on it. He knew that -- And he let me keep.
Jesus, Vicki! Where is it??
Couldn't turn down the job, huh? A girl could get hurt this way.
Yeah. Deja vu.
LOOK! IT'S BRUCE!! Allies -- the balloons. We've got to find some way to tell him!
HOLY SHIT!!
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Little winded. DID YOU SEE THAT?!
God yes, Allie. I've gotta say -- that was the ballsiest move I ever...
Ahm, well, you know ~ that's a tough question - on one' level I think it ....
Jennifer can stay and look after Kevin
Sounds great. Excellent. Though-, Ahm... there's this guy who's coming to work at the Gallery, from England...
Yeeees?
And they asked me if we'd like to ... you know... put him up for a while.
There aren't hotels?
Yes, there are hotels. They just thought maybe it'd be nice for him to stay with a real American family. Popcorn, waffles, all that stuff.
And what did you say?
Do we know anything about him?
Ahm - he's male. He's English. He's a doctor of er ... at least 2 things. I think they would have mentioned if he was a blind dwarf. Or one of those guys who kills lots of people all the time. I think we're looking at someone moderately normal here.
David - are you ever going to learn to say 'no'?
It's the last thing we need.
Scottish.
Well, they're kind of busy but it doesn't look like ...
Did you really ask?
I'm not sure I got the right person but they were a bit busy ...
It isn't working any more, David.
Jesus.
Go ahead.
There were three strawberries.
Liar.
Ali? What's wrong?
Shut up, Kevin. Honey, you-re not making sense ...
Okay. It's not a problem... Let's just sit ... I'11 talk to the gallery ...
David, I'm serious!
I know you are. Very serious ... most of the time these days.
Hi,
Hi..... Roses.
Yes. And I have a wine for dinner that will kill you.
Great. You said you'd ask Grierson about putting our guest somewhere else. Did you?
Sort of half.....
Meaning?
I was sort of half way through the sentence in which I would have asked him when it suddenly seemed like a mistake.
At least you didn't bring Mr Bean with you.
0 my god.
Sorry, honey - he just happened to tag along.
Let's get a coffee.
Everything's gonna be fine.
shhh...
It was nothing. We're not ... He just makes me laugh. When was the last time we laughed? Any of us?
Maybe I ought to think about getting another job.
Here, let me do that.
He's not too bad. I can live with him.
Two dollars please.
Annie, it's me.
Oh, right, yeah. two dollars please.
He doesn't like to say much does he?
Right first time.
Excuse me. Mr Grierson called down. He's ready to see you upstairs.
Goodnight Annie.
Big day today, huh? 78
David. There's a call for you. It's your wife.
Ah, Mr Bean ...
Better go. Grierson hates people being late.
Seems to be a problem with the door. Where's the picture gone?
Ahm.....
Oh Jesus. Oh God. Oh Jesus God. Oh Mary Mother of Jesus. Oh Jesus of Nazareth.
oh dear.
What happened?!!!
Oh yes.
It wasn't a dream, was it. I have to go in to work and tell them Whistler's Mother now looks like Danny De Vito.
It's very good Bernie.
I was hoping DU. Bean might take a look at my computer project today.
Yes. I'11 mention it to him. But ... he's kind of his own guy, you know?
Howls he getting on with the family?
And howls Alison?
She's ... well, she's good.
Saw her at the movies the other night with that boss of hers. Nice guy. Good looking.
Yes, isn't he.
It's great when people who work together can become real friends.
Look, I've left Bean on his own. Nice to chat though Bernie - always a subtle joy.
'Emergency measures, in your book means sack people right?
Great day. At last we can start getting out of debt and concentrating on the future.
Yes, look, I wanted to talk to you about this. I'm sure we haven't been doing as badly as all that.
Everything okay, David?
Yes. Ahm. I was just wondering where my English house guest had got to.
He's just parking the Governor's car.
Look at all this - publicity expenditure ... catering ... all completely fictional ... back as far as June 93 ...
Lord Walton assures me this guy's one of the very top scholars in the English art world. Has a couple of doctorates no less.
So ... I'm wondering if one of you would have this guy stay in your home instead of some expensive hotel.
Love to, sir, but no can do. No spare room. Period.
We'll be able to start this afternoon. I'11 pipe the guide to every video screen in the gallery. Now, that'll impress the Governor.
What a pleasure, Governor Reynolds. I'd like you to meet some of our staff here. .
And that's where you introduce me to the Governor.
This is Elmer, our longest serving...
Okay, that'll do. The Governor's here in half an hour. We have to be totally ready then. No excuses. Period!
He's a man with a plan who will haul us into profitability and the 21st century.
Thank you, sir. Although, I'm afraid I don't quite see how we can ...
Say that again, son.
I beg your pardon?
I said say that again, son - because the next time you do, I'll make sure you're in there with my daughter, but in a slightly less healthy state and she's in a coma with a broken arm right now.
I'm er ... sorry if you've been waiting a long time.
So, why not haul your ... nice little ass into this room and explain to me and my wife why our precious daughter is going to be absolutely fine because of all the fantastic intelligence and attention you are going to give her case.
Oh, look, I mean, it's kind of the last thing... I mean, I'd really like to, but... things at home are kind of sensitive, so I couldn't really er ...
I thought perhaps as Vice-President, and in view of the unfortunate attendance's for the summer show this year... the MASSIVE financial LOSS ...
Tomorrow. You have a problem with that?
Ah, David. Finally. And this must be our professor from across the sea.
Ah... He certainly has something, sir.
Very pleased you've taken him in, David. At a time when no-one's job is safe, it really identifies you as a team player.
Yes, although, I really..... thank you. Yes, it's great to have him with us. The whole family's very excited.
Glad to hear it. Tell poor Mr Larson to come through, will you?
You're not going to ....
No!
The thing is, sir, I've just been giving the painting a very thorough inspection, with the help of Dr Bean here - and we feel the time's come for Whistler's Mum to have her first face-lift.
Time taken its toll on the old girl, eh?
Thank you David. However, flattery will get you nowhere. Truth is, I have a rather different plan for Whistler's dear Mama. Bernie and I have been inspecting our books - and the long and short of it is, we cannot survive with our current losses, so ...
... you have to sack me. I understand, sir. I'll go quietly. In fact I'll go right now.
Brilliant, huh? I already have a prospective buyer - the current Governor of California, no less, who is flies in tomorrow to inspect her and clinch the deal. Spread the news. I think decisive leadership has done the trick, don't you?
I think you're wrong, David. She looks as fine as she's ever looked. Worth every cent of the 10 million dollar-s.
Ahm....
Bravo. Let's put on a good show tomorrow, shall we? Don't want anything to go wrong.
Well, congratulations. Isn't that great, David?
David, David, David ...
I'm fired? Because I let a... copy of a painting the get stolen?
I owe you a very serious apology, young man. It wouldn't surprise me if you wanted to leave us after this. I sincerely hope that you do not.
Of course.
And a car.
Maybe two cars.
A car sounds sensible.
Oh come on - the guy's going to be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly.
What makes you say that?
All the guys they claim are English to and good-looking like Dan Day- Lewis and Liam Neeson, turn out to be Irish. Even Anthony Hopkins is welsh. Prince Charles is so ugly they pay him two million bucks a year to stay indoors.
Richard Burton was very good-looking.
Welsh.
Welsh again.
Honey, calm down now... it's okay...
Jen - you don't wanna talk about it?
It's you and Mom that need to talk.
Bye, Dad.
As you can see, security's pretty tight in this section. Nobody gets past Elmer here. Isn't that right?
You've known me five years Elmer. When do you get to calling me David?
You arrange those flowers yourself?
Sure did.
They're pretty. Learn it in the army?
Hiya Dad ~ I'll need you upstairs for homework in about .... oh, 20 minutes.
Who do you think is the ugliest guy who ever lived.
Well, Michael Bolton's pretty grisly.
He was incredible. This guy is fearless. He has no fear.
That's one - way of looking at it. You might also say this guy is brainless he has no brain'.
Well, there is that ...
Hey, En, nice bike'- but remember: any kids you have are gonna look just like its handsome driver.
Is Jenny gonna be okay?
She was wearing a helmet. It could have been worse.
But is she gonna be okay?
... in the distant future.
Doctor Jacobson?
Yes?
We need you urgently in C Theatre.
Damn. I was just going to Number 4 ....
It is urgent, sir.
what a pleasure, Governor. Welcome.
Hi, Grierson, forgive the war paint. Going on To my regiment/s reunion after.
Interesting suit.
Why thank you sir.
off the peg?
I've known soldiers who've had their heads blown off who were more intelligent than you two. Not only have you failed to protect your most valuable possession from theft - but you didn't even know it'd been stolen! I'd sooner buy heroin from the guy who sells drugs outside my grandson's school than anything from you guys.
I am sorry you feel that way.
Shut up, Kevin.
NO, seriously - I know he's your boyfriend, but there's something about his upper lip that is so weird. What do you think it is, Dad? Jen says it's a moustache, I say it's a cluster of about 11 mosquitoes, resting.
You know the thing I hate most about children?
Nope.
I wish I could use that at school. "Hey, Teach, no hard feelings ... It's just things between us ain't what they used to be and I need a little space, ya know? So I'11 see you around in a couple of years, maybe".
You know, Mr. Bean's okay. You're not gonna kick him out, are you, Dad?
Of course he is.
Come on Sting!
Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score. Huh huh.
Yeah, but check it out. It's gone!
What's gone?
Whoa! I think I just figured something out Beavis.
What?
This sucks.
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
Huh huh huh. He said "anus."
What a dork. Huh huh.
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
No it wasn't!
Whoa, check it out Beavis. I didn't know Anderson had a Camper.
Nnnnooo. Oooooh nooooo.
What's your problem Beavis?
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
Actually, we just wanna watch TV...
Shut up Beavis! Uh, yeah. We'll do your wife.
Beavis, you butt-munch, this guy wants us to score with his wife. And he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
Oh, heh heh really? Cool. Heh heh.
We're gonna get paid to score.
Yeah, heh heh, and then we're gonna get a big-screen TV! Heh heh.
Wait, I wanted her to do it.
Dammit! Huh huh. That chick wants me.
Uh, huh huh, this is Las Vegas?
Hey Butt-Head, why's that guy holding a sign?
Uh, B...A...U... No, uh, V...
Uh... Buuuuut. Boot. Someone named boot.
Huh huh. This says Beavis.
And Boot-Head.
That's Butt-Head. Don't you get it, Beavis. These dudes have the same name as us.
Beavis. This is what it's all about.
Ow! These chips suck.
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
Huh huh huh. That chick was talking about doing it.
Uh... Hey baby. Are we like, doing it?
Huh huh huh. I'm ready for love.
So, uh, huh huh. Are we gonna score now?
Me first!
Ow, let go, Butt-Head!
Me first.
This is it, Beavis. Huh huh. We're finally gonna score.
No way butt-hole! I want the window.
Heh heh. We're in Washington!
Damn, huh huh.
So, like, where is she?
This is dumb, let's find that chick.
Check it out Butt-Head, TV!
Beavis, huh huh, what'er you doing?
My butt's bothering me!
Dammit, all they have is shows about water.
That sucks. Heh heh. They need some shows about fire! Change the channel.
That was boring. Huh huh.
Yeah, it's just the same thing over and over again.
Ow! Cut it out Butt-Head.
Huh huh. Get out of the way, Beavis, I wanna sit by the window. Huh huh.
Ow! I'll kick your butt!
That's not that much.
Uh... Is this the right bus?
Huh huh huh. Hey Beavis. We're on a bus with chicks.
Check it out Butt-Head, porta-potties.
Hey, where'd those chicks go?
Uh... I think you scared them off.
This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.
Yeah or like a Seven-Eleven or something... Are we almost there?
Uh...
Hey Butt-Head, isn't there supposed to be like, water in cactuses?
Hey Butt-Head, are we gonna die?
Whoa, my life is cool!
Hey Butt-Head, I'm starting to feel weird. I think I'm freaking out.
Huh? Huh huh.
Uh... Huh huh. I have a couple. Butt cheeks, huh huh huh.
Hey Butt-Head, look. A jack. Heh heh.
Uh, you first.
C'mon, Beavis, just start running really fast when you hit the ground. It'll work.
Hey Butt-Head it's that chick!
Yeah, heh heh. Umm, isn't Seattle in Washington? Heh heh... 'cuz I was thinking maybe we could go see Hole.
Well where is she?!
Uh... Attention, attention! We're looking for that chick with the big boobs.
Huh huh huh. Settle down Beavis.
Heh heh. Fire. Heh heh Aaaaeeehhhhg!!!
I always thought there was something wrong with him. Heh heh heh.
Yeah, he had a lot of problems. Huh huh huh.
Yeah, and um, he used to hit me too.
You hear that, Beavis! We're gonna get alcohol, tobacco and guns!
Cigarettes and beer rule! Huh huh.
Uh... bye-bye.
Hey Butt-Head, do you think we're ever gonna score?
Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey. Huh huh.
Shut up, dill-hole.
Butt-dumpling...
Turd-burglar...
Dill-wad...
Bunghole...
Butt-snatch...
Um, uh, butt... um, hole. Butt-hole...
Uh... dill, um, face...
Um... ass... head...
Uh... butt-snatch...
You already said that, Butt-Head.
Aaaah. TeeeVeeeee, heh heh.
Beavis.
Yeah, heh heh. Boooooiiiing!!!
Just make sure it looks like an accident...
Yeah, heh heh. I think I just had an accident. Heh heh hmm heh hmm heh.
Oh yeah. Can you just take us to Washington? We're gonna meet her there and, you know, heh heh hmmm...
Hello there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
Yeah, we're gonna score.
I hope to score big there myself. I'm mostly going to be doing the slots.
Yeah, I'm hoping to do some sluts too. Heh heh. Do they have lots of sluts in Las Vegas?
Oh, there are so many slots you won't know where to begin.
Yeah, heh heh. I'm gonna have money, and a big-screen TV and sluts everywhere!
I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, you know, get down...
You'll have to speak up son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations. I've had two operations on my heart.
Really? I poop too much.
Oh, maybe you're lactose intolerant.
Uh... No, I poop too much. Then I get tired.
They perk me right up.
Hey, Butt-Head, it's that slut from the plane!
Why it's you two. How'd ya do in Vegas?
Uh, we didn't score yet.
Does that say Xanax?
This is Agent Flemming, A.T.F.. We won't hurt you. We just want the unit. Tell us where the unit is.
Do you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole?
We'll get you whatever you want. Get that other kid. We might need him.
You must bow down to the Almighty Bunghole. Heh heh, this is cool. Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o!
He's jerkin' us off. I think we're gonna have to take him out. Get ready to fire on my orders... This is your last chance. Give us the unit now...
Why does everyone wanna see my schlong? I am the one-and-only-almighty-bungholiooo!
...Two...
...o-o-o-eieee-ooooeeeooooo...
We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place apart. We can only legally hold her for another couple of hours.
Talk ta me, Bork.
Chief, we found a witness that says he saw two teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Did you give him a full cavity search?
Ah, the witness?
Yes. You can never be too careful Bork.
They look like a couple of kids chief.
You see what I see, Bork?
I see it. I don't get it.
You got half the state looking for ya - how do you get away?
Cut the power!
Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion, terrorists... What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
Cavity search...?
Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Bork! You are a federal agent. You represent the United States Government... Never end a sentence with a preposition. Try again.
Oh, ah... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
That's better. Yes?
Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
What the hell...? Bork! That bus we picked up. Where was it headin'?
D.C., Chief.
Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on a tour bus we believe to be headed for... the White House! Jumpin' Jesus! I want everyone there. Our people. Locals. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat! Shoot to kill!
Chief, I swear, we tore that bus apart. They couldn't have...
Not on him, Chief.
Say chief, isn't that guy whose camper,...I mean, off in whose...
We just cleared all four floors. No sign of him.
Chief, look!
OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the unit on him. Keep your distance. We don't wanna take a chance on hitting it.
Where are his pants?
Well, Earl said you guys were young, but jeez... Oh well, as long as you can get the job done. So what are your names?
Do her? Huh huh.
Here she is. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. Ya gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
She's holed up in a hotel room in Las Veags. Your flight leaves in a couple of hours. Now c'mon, I'll drive you to the airport.
One more thing. Mah wife's got this leather satchel. It's black, about this big. I need ya to bring it back. It's real important. Sentimental value... Any questions so far?
Uh, yeah. Does she have big hooters?
She sure does.
Ah'm gonna blow you both to hell!
Cool. Huh huh huh.
Cool, huh huh huh.
This is Travis and Bob... What's your last name, dear?
Meet Sylvia. And Elloise and Sam. And Ed. And Doreen.
Whoa, this kicks ass! Huh huh huh.
Uh, hey. One of you kids got a match?
You were a roadie for Motley Crue?
Really? That's where we're from.
Well, then you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, here's the story. I scored with these two chicks. True story.
You scored with two chicks?!
Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score. I scored with both of them...
Uh, do you think these two sluts still live in Highland? That would be cool.
You got two seconds!
Who sent ya?
Uh, huh huh, this fat dude. He said we could do you. And he was gonna pay us.
Muddy! Sonofabitch! Hold it. What's he payin' ya?
Uh, ten uh...
Ten grand? That cheap-ass... I got a better deal for ya. I'll double it. I'll pay ya twenty if you go back there and do mah husband.
Maybe I am three-eighty-five if you carry a second lien! I can arrange the most creative financing in the six states of New England.
No, Jane.
You'll be rich!
We're rich in what really matters.
Adam my booyy! When you're really rich in what matters... ... nothing matters! My buyer has just made a killing in condos in the Village. And he's got a little stress problem... ... so his wife says they want the old peace and quiet!
So do I, Jane. I'm on vacation.
Get <u>away</u> you little monster.
She's ready.
Oh, Adam, the model looks so good. The Historical Society will love it. You've finished the streets?
Manchurian Tung oil? Where did you get it?
Helen got it for me in Oslo.
Yeah, I want to get one coat on the wardrobe and then I'll help you.
Oh, honey, I'm so glad we're spending our vacation at home.
Oh no.
Jane said we should sell the house to someone with a family.
We should be flattered that she wants to sell our house.
I know... I just wish she'd leave us alone.
Wave at the lion.
Don't forget the balls, Ernie.
Adam, your Bozman Building is a beauty.
Yeah it turned out okay. We applied for a National Historical plaque for it. That'll be the third one on Main Street.
You're doing it, Adam. You're saving this town.
Slow down there, honey... I don't want the vibration to weaken the model.
This fire wasn't burning when we left the house.
How's your arm?
You'd better sit down, hon.
I am sitting.
I'll tell you what, Barbara. I don't think we survived that crash.
You saved my -- uh -- life... or whatever... something.
Two hours.
What?
That's how long you were gone.
Anything happen while I was away?
Handbook for the recently diseased.
De<u>ceased</u>. I don't know where it came from.
I don't think we survived the crash.
I don't like situations like this. I hate it when I'm not in control. So just tell me the basics.
This book isn't arranged that way. What do you want to know?
There are a thousand things... Why did you disappear when you walked off the front porch? Is this a punishment? Are we halfway to heaven or are we halfway to hell? And how long is this going to <u>last</u>?
Cabin fever, hon?
I can't clean anything. The vacuum is out in the garage. I can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? Where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
Maybe this is heaven.
In heaven there wouldn't be dust on the wallpaper.
Hon... I didn't want to die, but really, this is fine with me. As long as I never have to wash dishes again.
Dishes? We haven't eaten in three weeks! Adam, I'm not like you, I really need to be around <u>people</u>, get out to the church and go grocery shopping.
God, it's Jane Butterfield!
What's she doing here?
She can't see you, right? In the book, Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead.
Won't? Or can't?
Just says 'won't.' Wait a minute. Here it says 'the living are arrogant... they think they'll never die, so they refuse to see the dead.'
Arrogant. That's Jane Butterfield all right...
I guess... if I'm going to be dead, I'll just have to be the best dead person ever!
Adam, we <u>are</u> in hell. I hate these people.
They make gypsies look good.
Is this a punishment for something we did in life? What can we do?
I don't know if there's anything we can do.
Oh, honey, we may need that.
Barbara, honey! Don't go out there. You don't know --
Oh, Adam, don't ever leave me alone.
<u>You</u> left me.
We're trapped in this house forever... with those... people.
You can't say that for sure. It could be a transitional thing. Like a post-life crisis. We just have to be tougher with them. Come on. Have some brandy. Spirits, get it?
Look in the index... maybe there's, like an emergency number or something.
That's it? No number, or instructions?
That little girl saw us.
She couldn't have. We can't <u>make</u> them see us.
But she <u>saw</u> us. I could feel it.
There's nothing we can do. It's just a matter of time before they unlock this room. There goes my model. There goes our last refuge.
We're not going to wait here like cornered animals. I can tell you that. We need help. I'm going to talk to that little girl.
What about this Beetle guy?
We don't know who he is... ... I'm going to talk to that little girl.
Are you crazy? She can't hear you.
I don't know... what are you looking up?
We need some help. I found something this morning. Here. Emergencies. 'In case of emergency, draw door.'
Yet another triumph for Adam and Barbara in the afterlife.
... Not what I expected when we walked through that door.
My God, we're back where we started.
Look at this, everything is different down here. All our furniture is gone.
We'd like some help in getting rid of the people who moved in here. Barbara and I worked very hard on this house.
That guy is in our cemetery. Oh, Adam.
God, this is so corny. Have we been reduced to this? Sheets?
I feel really stupid.
Well, I don't know... We don't get many visitors.
Where are your skulls and bones?
Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
She's got <u>photos</u>, Barbara.
Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
Did you copy these gravestones right, Adam?
Of course I did.
Here's something.
I didn't do that one... Hmmm.
Go ahead... third time's a charm.
What happened?
Three times. Powerful number.
Has anything been simple so far? From the look of the shovel, we dig.
I guess we open it.
She's only fourteen...
Honey. Let's go.
Go? What d'ya mean? We need help.
Honey, I think that was a mistake.
I am not going to expose that little girl to that... pervert down there.
But <u>we</u> let him out.
And your sushi was remarkable.
The sushi? I did the wine. Didn't you do the sushi?
N... No, I just did the Ink Spots.
Maybe they'll leave now. That snake was a pretty nasty customer.
He might have hurt somebody.
<u>Adam</u>! Why did you build a whorehouse? Have you ever been to...?
Lydia, believe me... we know... all the hard stuff is the same over here. You're going to be who you are... whether you're alive or dead ... and over here -- it's... It's flat... there's no food, no colors ... you can't smell the flowers. If we knew then what we know now we'd have been more careful...
You know, I've been thinking. I could teach Lydia to sew.
Little black party dresses?
Ah, Adam, you don't know anything about little girls. She's just... missed out on some love, that's all...
Let's see if she can get my model back.
We've been given a gift here, honey. A real live little girl. She likes us a lot. She needs us. Maybe that's why we died so young, to keep us from getting so... attached to <u>things</u>. The house, antiques, your model. Look at us. We didn't have room for anyone.
What...?
What time is it?
3:30 I guess.
Oh, Adam, don't tease her. You never got an A in science in your life!
A... Are you the guys who're hiding out in the attic?
Aren't you scared?
I'm not scared of Ralph Lauren. Those are <u>sheets</u>. Are you gross under there? Are you <u>Night of the</u> <u>Living Dead</u> under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
What?
You can actually see us? Without the sheets?
Nobody else can.
Why are you creeping around Delia's bedroom?
We were trying to scare your mother.
<u>You</u> did this? You carved all these little figures and houses and things?
I certainly did. I'd finish it too, but... I don't get out much.
And this used to be your house, I bet. Why do you want to scare everybody?
We want to frighten you away. So that you'll move out.
We weren't there. The handbook says funerals aren't for the dead.
You tell them that we are desperate horrible ghoulish creatures who will stop at nothing to get back our house.
What is going on?
Did you get the paint?
We studied all day yesterday. Don't tell me...
So can I?
Uh-uh. Only if you got <u>above</u> a C on science.
You don't have an appointment, do you?
Nine months? What difference does that make?
Good luck. You're going to use up all your help vouchers.
Help vouchers?
Wait for who?
Aren't you dead?
Hell no! I'm rolling. I'm a businessman. I'm the man what <u>am</u>. <u>Beee</u>tel <u>Jooose</u>! <u>Who</u> do I gotta kill?
<u>So</u> you, the dead, want me, <u>the</u> <u>undead</u>, to throw the live guys -- Mommie, Daddy and Lolita, who might not mind a tumble with an older guy, out into the cold? Even though they have paid hard casharoonie for your dump?
But... the Deetzes are <u>destroying</u> our house.
You Maitlands are the backbone of the afterlife. So what's my cut?
Okay. But that Betelgeuse sure seemed mad.
This is <u>my</u> town.
<u>Barbara</u>?!!
Are you available?
Hell is other people. You obviously don't read much. Besides things seem pretty quiet here. You should thank God you didn't die in Italy. The Deetzes. Okay. Have you been studying the manual?
We tried.
I heard. Tore your face right off! Bad news. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
We have to start simpler, is that it?
<u>Don't say his name</u>! Just practice. Do it <u>yourself</u>!
Handbook? When...?
<u>Never trust the living</u>! We <u>cannot</u> have a routine haunting like yours provide incontrovertible visual proof of existence beyond death.
Yes... or no? Do you want the Deetzes out or in?
All right. Who are you?
We're...
Just get some people out of our house.
Bio-<u>busting</u>. I <u>loves</u> bio-busting. Who do I gotta kill? Family -- right? Obnoxious I bet. Mommie, daddy, piglets.
Just one daughter.
Folks, be reasonable here. I'm at your service. You be the judge. I'm a harmless guy. Try me.
I don't like Charles Deetz particularly, but you could have <u>killed</u> him.
You lilly-livered bleeding hearts!
I'd nearly given up on you. I was about to leave. I do have other clients.
Are you Juno, our case worker?
Yes. I evaluate individual cases and determine if help is needed, deserved, and available.
We're very unhappy.
-- Like you used to be?
No.
If... we have trouble. What about the guy in the flyer? Betelge...
No, you don't! He does not work well with others.
What do you mean? What's he do?
He's a freelance bio-exorcist. Claims to get rid of the living. But he's a troublemaker. He's pushy. He's been sleazing around that cemetery for 500 years.
Our cemetery?
The whorehouse was my idea. I want Betelgeuse out of the picture! We've got some serious talking to do.
About what?
What about Betelgeuse?
If I had seen a ghost at your age, I would have been frightened out of my wits.
You're not gross. Why were you wearing a sheet?
Tell the truth.
We can't. We haven't left the house since the funeral.
I don't wear that stuff to <u>bed</u>. Besides, there's <u>nothing</u> wrong with it. I'm getting out of here.
I hate you! I can't trust anybody!
He said if I let him out he would take me over to the other side to find you.
No, Lydia, we're dead.
I want to be dead too.
No you don't! No... Lydia... Why?
So, <u>never</u> let Beetle Juice out. Never. Besides... We're thinking about letting everyone stay... You and your father and mother can stay too.
How'd you do on the science test?
Hi, Barb! I'm glad I caught you. I heard you were on vacation!
That's right, Jane. Complete vacation.
Honey -- today I am three hundred <u>fifty</u> thousand dollars!
No! Jane, it is 6:45 in the morning!
Look at me, think of me as cash! This offer is really real! From a rich man in New York City who only saw a photograph!
Jane, don't send photographs of our house around the country! We're not interested in selling.
You could double the size of your hardware store! You'll be rich.
And live in what, our station wagon?
Oh, honey... I didn't mean anything ... it's just too big for you two. I know these things.
Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? I've come for the last time. Where are you? Barb...
Cookie, they are dead, dead, deadski.
Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
No, I mean they've gone. Decamped. Split. Vanished.
Where'd they go?
The happy hunting ground. Who cares?
Are you a spirit too?
Sort of. High spirit. Heh heh. Listen, cookie, I've been trapped in this burg for hundreds of years. All I want is to get out.
I want to get in.
You do? Over here? On <u>my</u> side?
I think so.
Well, yes, of course. It's great over here. You'll meet all the greats. James Dean. Buddy Holly. 'The little things a you say and do... make me want to be with you-a-hoo.'
Well, it can't be any worse than my life here.
That's right. They treat you like scum I bet?
Yeah.
I can't help you from this side, but here's how we do it. So <u>simple</u>. Say my name three times. That's all. I'll be all yours. Then I'll bring you over here in style.
I... I don't know what your name is.
Minor problem. The rules. I can't tell it to you. But... do you know how to play charades?
Yes.
Three syllables.
No, dummy. Two.
I don't know what that signal means.
Beetle!
Breakfast beetle? Beetle? Beetle fruit? Fruit bat? Fruit battle? Volkswagen? Fruit wagon?
I am <u>not</u>! Beetle... Juice?
That's it!
Your name is <u>Beetle Juice</u>? Yecch! That's as bad as <u>Deee</u>lia <u>Deee</u>tz.
God, you're anatomically correct!
Just <u>say</u> it.
You were the snake! Right? I know. I saw you.
You've <u>got</u> to say it!
No I don't. I don't take orders from smurfs.
How'd you like to have the biggest boobs in the world? Right now. I can do it if I get out.
They'd look silly on me. I'm fourteen years old!
So... You're ready for me now?
You've got to help them.
Can you help <u>me</u>?
... I will.
W... What is it?

Your qu...? But you're...
Yes, of course you are. Well, Otho had an intuition. Call it a hunch -- that it was going to be a fabled monstrosity of a house. And it certainly is. Charles, you're lucky the Yuppies are buying condos, so you can afford what I'm going to have to do to this place. We are talking <u>from the ground</u> <u>ups'ville</u>!
Otho, you've got to help me get Maxie Dean up here. I have a deal that could make all of us very comfortable.
He's a cloven-hooved beast!
He's your cousin.
Otho?
It's <u>Otho</u>!
I can't believe that we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here? Hunan?
Lydia, at your age, you are <u>so</u> <u>young</u>. Charles, we need to call that awful Jane Butterfield tomorrow and get the key to the attic door. Can't you find a way to hold back some of her commission?
I feel like we've been at war, Charles.
At least insofar as we have our first casualty. Me.
Otho'll know what to do.
What's he going to do? Viciously rearrange their environment?
Otho knows as much about the supernatural as he knows about interior decoration.
Let's hope he knows how to produce those damn ghosts for Max and Sarah... Because I've bought options on property all over town. I need Max's financing...
Just don't tell Lydia.
Why not?
They're probably guilty about what they did to me.
What do you think, honey?
Lydia, relax. We'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
Yeah, maybe if he's nice, he'll let me hang myself from a rope in his barn.
Where is your mother?
Stepmother. She's out torturing the movers.
I was just trying to open the door. Mrs. Butterfield brought over a skeleton key.
Skeleton keys never work. Anyway, this can wait. We'll get a crowbar later. Your mother...
Stepmother.
What?
Darling, can't you see I'm relaxing in here!
Well I just wanted to tell you what I saw.
Dad. Do you believe me?
Yes. Except when you creep around in your mother's --
Stepmother's...
... sheets.
Well this is... I mean, this is the weirdest --
Lydia, I don't know what it is with you and these pratical jokes, but --
The attic room is locked --
Answer your mother.
Look at all that <u>parking</u>!
Now, let's get back to business. I want to get Maxie Dean and Sarah up here immediately. I can make history here! I'm going to turn this sleepy little backward town into a leading supernatural research center... and amusement park.
I cannot believe this.
I'll bring the wine... and the business plan. And Lydia you'll bring the ghosts.
I can't <u>bring</u> the ghosts. They're not here!
They're... not here anymore.
Not <u>a building</u>! That's the beauty of it. I think I can buy the <u>whole town</u>. These people don't know the value of their property!
Then we own a whole <u>town</u> full of nowhere.
Just a minute, Maxie. Somebody...
No listen... we'll talk about this visiting later, I gotta go, I gotta meeting on the Japanese joint venture.
Great idea, Maxie! Those Japanese could <u>run</u> it for us. Build them a dormitory in the woods. Listen, think right about it, will you? We've almost got the house ready, you bring Sarah with you and I'll show you.
I don't care from guilt. I just want to <u>see</u> them.
Are they suffering?
I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
We'll be <u>the</u> art center of summer New York. I'll teach those phony gallery creeps to refuse my sculpture. And when Otho and I get through with this house, you people are not going to recognize it.
<u>You jerks</u>! That is my art, and it is <u>dangerous</u>! You think I want to die like that? Lydia. Moving is a family affair. So buckle down now and go get Mommy some drugs.
Any particular kind?
I can't believe you are doing this to me! <u>Ghosts</u>. I am giving a dinner party for seven people tonight. Otho has agreed to come back for the demolition of the attic. My agent, Bernard, is bringing some woman who writes for <u>Architectural Digest</u>. In fact, no one here tonight has not been in <u>Vanity Fair</u>. Except you.
I <u>told</u> them you were too mean to be afraid.
Don't you <u>dare</u>.
Lydia tried to play a most amusing joke on me this afternoon.
It wasn't a joke.
I think the reason is they were trying to scare you, and you didn't get scared --
All right, you dead people! Come on out, or we'll break down this door and drag you out on the ropes you hanged yourself with!
Shhhh. They didn't commit suicide.
Lydia, I will never forgive you for embarrassing me in front of my social inferiors. You help us with these ghosts or you'll be sorry.
That was the single most unattractive window treatment I have ever seen in the entire of my existence.
Is the rest of the house as bad as this?
The rest of the house is probably worse. When can you and I get started?
What's wrong?
Okay?
You read my <u>mind</u>! I love clients who can read my mind. I don't think people realize how strong a connection there is between interior decoration and the supernatural.
<u>I know</u>... I read your book, <u>The</u> <u>Haunted Tapestries of the Waldorf</u>.
What do you think?
Viridian?
Blue-green! Hydrated chromic oxide! Remember I'm schooled in chemistry. I was a hair analyst! Briefly. Interior design is a <u>science</u>, Delia! Think of me as Doctor Otho. And this patient is truly <u>sick</u>!
<u>Oh my God</u>!
Otho, I can<u>not</u> <u>live</u> with these cheap domestic floor tiles.
Is there much more of this torture?
That's Charles' study. But you don't have to even look in there. He'll love whatever you do to it. He's such a sheep.
'I' will tell you what is boring. Once you cover up the wallpaper, knock down a few walls, alter the traffic patterns, and -- perhaps -- only perhaps -- think about an inground pool -- the place <u>might</u> just be livable. What's on the third floor?
Attic space.
You don't have a key?
Maybe Charles does.
I have a feeling there's some very interesting space behind this door.
Now, Lydia... Favor us about your ghosts.
<u>No</u>! Do not encourage this little... person.
Oh, Delia, lighten up!
It does indicate a marvelously urbane sense of humor on the part of these ghosts -- that they actually appear in <u>sheets</u>!
Look at that <u>detail</u>!
Are they still here, Otho?
What's happening to them?
Well there's a Little Deetz at least. Boy, when you city people do something, you do it right, don't you?
Is this the key to the attic?
Are we going to be seeing you at Miss Shannon's Boarding School?
Yes, but I'm going to live at home.
Hellooo! How's school?
It's okay. How's the dirt business?
It's bad luck. And I believe hugely in luck.
Otho, that's terrible.
They don't want to come down.
All presences have a home space. A place where they live, so to speak. Where do they hide out?
Perhaps if I were properly motivated.
Wait a minute! What am I worried about? Otho, you can't even change a tire!
Their wedding clothes.
<u>Adam</u>! <u>Adam</u>!
The injection will ease the pain and swelling, Mr. Gardiner.
I understand. I've seen it done before.
You were wrong, it did hurt.
It's good that there was no apparent damage to the bone.
Yes. I think so, too.
However, with injuries such as this, I have run into minor hemorrhaging, which really isn't too serious at the time, but can cause secondary problems if not looked after.
You can pull your trousers up, now.
Oh, fine.
Just to take the proper precautions, Mr. Gardiner, I'd recommend we take you downstairs and X-ray your leg. ... By the way, Mr. Gardiner, I would like to ask you something straight out.
... Straight out?
Yes. Are you planning on making any sort of claim against the Rand's?
Claim...? ... Oh, claim, that's what Thomas asked me.
Thomas? Who's Thomas?
Thomas Franklin, an attorney.
An attorney?
Yes.
Then you wish to handle this matter through your attorneys?
There's no need for a claim, the garden is a healthy one.
Oh, I see... ... Well, then... You're a very funny man, Mr. Gardiner. You caught me off guard, I must admit...
Thank you.
Good, keep your weight off that leg, Mr. Gardiner. In fact, it would be best if you could stay here for a day or two, if that would be would be possible. Since Benjamin became ill we have our own hospital downstairs. I can promise you the finest in care, unless, of course, you would prefer to go elsewhere.
Yes, I could stay here. Thank you.
Fine. Would you like me to speak to your personal physician?
I'll send Wilson up to take you for X-rays, Mr. Gardiner. Feel free to use the telephone, and please let me know if you have any discomfort.
... And please call me Robert.
Chauncey, there you are. What are you doing on that leg?
It's fine today, Robert.
I swear, Chauncey, between you and Benjamin, I've got my hands full... ... Say, that is coming along, the swelling has gone down considerably... ... Any pain here?
... Benjamin has been hounding me to allow him to address the annual meeting of his Financial Institute today, but obviously, the strain would be impossible... How about here, Chauncey, any soreness?
... Were you going somewhere?
No, Robert.
... Oh. ... My God, I only wish that Benjamin had your recuperative powers... Anyway, the President offered to sit in for Ben at the meeting, quite a nice gesture, I felt. He's due here soon, I believe.
Yes, Robert. I know about the President.
... Oh? You've heard?
Yes. Ben called me. He wants me to meet the President.
He does, does he?
Yes, Ben told me to be in his room at ten o'clock.
Why, that's terrific, Chauncey.
... It's five of, you'd best get on in there.
I would like to walk today.
Hell yes - walk. You're meeting the President, aren't you?
... He's gone, Chauncey.
Yes, Robert. I have seen it before. It happens to old people.
Will you be leaving now, Robert?
In a day or two, yes.
Eve is going to stay. The house will not be closed.
... You've become quite a close friend of Eve's - haven't you Mr... ... Chance...?
Yes. I love Eve very much.
I see... ... And you are really a gardener, aren't you?
I know exactly what you mean. Today the businessman is at the mercy of kid-lawyers from the SEC. All they want to do is regulate our natural growth! It's happening across the country!
To everyone, I'm afraid. The Government controls are so restricting that the Medical Profession, as we know it, is being legislated out of existence.
... No, of course you don't. Excuse me for being so presumptuous. No man knows everything about another man - however, very few are honest enough to admit it.
Some pain is to be expected... ... And I think what would be best for the two of you is a good night's rest. ... It's late, I'm afraid it's time for my patients to prepare for bed.
And you, Benjamin, must be strong and brave for me. Turn over, please.
No more, Robert... No more needles...
It's not good, Ben - I'm sure you can feel it.
Good God, Eve - you'll freeze out here.
I wanted some fresh air, Robert. How is Mr. Gardiner?
A rather large contusion, but I don't feel there is any serious damage. I'd like to keep an eye on him, though - I suggested that he stay here for a couple of days.
Stay here? Is that necessary?
Not necessary, but preferable. I don't think he'll be a bother, he seems like a most refreshing sort of man.
Yes, he is different... Not the kind of person one usually meets in Washington.
How true. Mr. Gardiner may be a welcome change of pace.
He's very intense, and internal, don't you think?
At times, yes. But that's not an uncommon reaction to such an accident. Actually, I found him to have quite a sense of humor.
Good. It might be pleasant for a couple of days. ... Robert... Is there any improvement...?
... Eve - this has been an exhausting day for Ben...
... But he's...?
... He walked off...
... Do you think we should look for him?
I don't think so, he should be along soon...
We have to find him, Robert - he could be lost, something may have happened, we can't leave him!
You really care for him, don't you, Eve?
I do - we do - both of us, Ben and I feel so much for Chauncey...
... And he told us that he had been living there since he was a child, working as a gardener. He showed us a room in the garage, where he said he stayed, and I... Well, I didn't really believe him, of course - but why the act?
I have no idea...
Another thing that baffles me, Doctor - what was his connection with the deceased? Major financial dealings, obviously - but our firm has no record of any such transactions.
Hmmm. You say he showed you his garden?
Well, he said it was his, he walked us through it.
I see. Mr. Franklin, I must ask you and Miss Hayes to keep this incident with Mr. Gardiner to yourselves. There's no telling what he was involved in, and the matter may be extremely confidential. So please, not a word.
Of course, Doctor, I understand.
Fine. Thank you, Mr. Franklin.
Gentlemen, I didn't call you here at such an hour to make accusations, I just want to explore the possibilities. Now, I have three questions; Is the man a foreign agent? Or, have we suddenly found that our methods of gathering data are grossly inefficient? Or, thirdly, have the man's files been destroyed? Now, I'd like some answers.
Gardiner is not a foreign agent, there are now sixteen countries investigating the man. We can rule that out.
I don't think that's entirely true, Grover.
And what do the boys around Intelligence think?
Well, Mr. President... They don't quite know what to think.
Do you know Raphael?
No sir, I don't believe I do.
Oh. I have a message for him.
Yes, sir.
A Black man gave me the message.
I understand. I've never seen anything like this on television.
Mr. Gardiner, I have a telephone call for you. Sidney Courtney, the financial editor of the Washington Post.
Thank you.
Would you care to take it, sir?
Oh, Mr. Gardiner, I've been looking all over.
Oh, yes.
Morton Hull, the producer of 'This Evening' just called.
Yes, I have seen that show on television.
Of course. They would like you to appear on the show tonight. The Vice President was scheduled, but he had to cancel, and they asked if you would be interested.
Yes. I would like to be on that show.
Fine. They felt that since you had such close ties with the President, you would be a splendid choice. ... Can I help you? Are you looking for something?
... Won't you let us do something for you? Your leg should be examined, we could take you to a hospital.
There's no need for a hospital.
I hope you're comfortable.
Yes. I am.
These can be such trying situations everyone seems to make such a to-do over a simple little accident. Of course, they can be very frightening, and I must apologize for David, he's never had an accident before.
Yes. He's a very careful driver.
... Why, yes, he is... Is your leg feeling any better?
It's feeling better, but it's still very sore.
I see. ... Say, would you mind seeing our family doctor?
Your family doctor?
Yes. My husband has been very ill. His doctor and nurses are staying with us. Those hospitals can be so impersonal - why, it might be hours before you are treated...
I agree.
Would you care for a drink?
I would like to watch television.
Oh, by the way - I'm Eve Rand.
May I ask your name?
My name is Chance.
Pardon me, was that Mr. Chance?
No. I'm a gardener.
Oh... Mr. Gardiner... Mr. Chauncey Gardiner... You're not related to Basil and Perdita Gardiner are you?
No, Eve. I'm not related to Basil and Perdita.
Did you lose something?
Yes. I lost my remote control.
... I'll feel so relieved after Dr. Allenby examines your leg. After that, David can run you on home, or to your office or wherever you'd prefer... ... Is there anything special you would like to watch?
I can see that it must be very important for you to stay informed of all the latest events.
Yes.
Won't your injury prevent you from attending to business, Mr. Gardiner?
No. It won't do that.
... Would you like us to notify anyone for you?
I hope that staying here won't be an inconvenience for you.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes enjoy puttering around myself, such a pleasant way to forget one's troubles.
Chauncey, I wanted to tell you how dreadful I feel about the accident today, but that I'm delighted that you are staying with us.
Thank you, Eve - I like this house very much.
... And Ben is just mad about you - you've lifted his spirits so - it's just... Well, it's just a real pleasure having you with us.
Ben is very ill, Eve - I've seen that before.
Yes... I know, Chauncey.
I like Ben very much... He reminds me of the Old Man...
He does...?
... Why... No, I don't think so...
... Good night, Chauncey.
Chauncey!
Hello, Eve.
Your leg must be getting better.
Yes. It's feeling much better now.
Good. I'm glad to hear that. ... How did you like meeting the President?
Fine. He's very nice.
... Chauncey... Last night you mentioned an old man, that died.
Yes.
Was he a relative? Or an intimate friend?
He was a very wealthy man, he looked after me since I was young.
Oh, I see... Your mentor, perhaps?
Forgive me, Chauncey - I didn't mean to pry. You must have been very close to him.
Yes. I was.
I'm sorry... ... And what about Louise? YOU mentioned that she had gone, were you close to her also?
Yes. I liked Louise very much. She was his maid.
Oh, his maid!... Stupid me, I thought perhaps she was someone that you may have been romantically involved with.
Oh, no. She brought me my meals.
What is that?
Our greenhouse.
Oh, I like that very much.
... I'm... ... I'm very grateful that you're here, Chauncey... ... With us ...
I'll be all right, Chauncey you go ahead with Mrs. Aubrey...
Chauncey...
Hello, Eve.
Chauncey, I just wanted to wish you well. I know you'll be smashing.
Thank you, Eve.
And Benjamin sends along his best wishes.
How is Ben feeling?
He's tired, Chauncey - but he's going to watch you tonight. We'll both be watching.
That's good. I like to watch, too.
... You don't happen to have a tuxedo in your suitcase, do you?
No, thank you.
Oh. Well, we can fix up one of Ben's for you tomorrow night. Sophie insists an Black Tie.
I see.
... Good night, Chauncey.
Chauncey! Have you seen the papers?
No, Eve. I don't read the papers.
Well, it seems you've been described as one of the architects of the President's speech. And your own comments from the 'This Evening' show are quoted side by side with the President's.
I like the President. He is a very nice man.
I know... ... So are you, Chauncey ... ... Do you mind my being here, like this?
... You know, Chauncey... I want us to be... I want us... You and I to become... close... I want us to become very close, you know...?
... I'm grateful to you, Chauncey... I would have opened to you with a touch, and you know that... ... But you're so strong - I can trust myself with you. I'm glad, Chauncey - I'm glad that you showed so much restraint...
Yes, Eve. I'm very glad that you didn't open.
I know you are, Chauncey... ... You conquer a woman from within herself, you infuse in her the need and desire and the longing for your love.
Yes. That could be true.
I've never seen anyone handle the media as well as you, Chauncey. You're so cool and detached - almost as if you were born to it.
Yes.
Chauncey, this is Mr. Dennis Watson of the State Department.
Chauncey, where have you been? I was afraid you got bored and left, or that you were with some mysterious woman.
No. I was with a man. We went upstairs.
Upstairs? Chauncey, you're always involved in some sort of discussion...
He was very ill, I stayed with him for a while.
I feel so close to you, so safe with you, Chauncey... ... And Benjamin understands that, dearest... He understands and accepts my feelings for you...
Yes, Eve. Ben is very wise.
... Come in, Chauncey - please come in...
I just don't excite you at all... I don't know what you want... I don't know what you like...
I like to watch.
To watch...? To watch me...?
Yes. I like to watch.
... Is that all you want...? ... To watch me...?
Yes. It's very good, Eve.
Dearest, you uncoil my wants; desire flows within me, and when you watch me my passion dissolves it. You set me free. I reveal myself to myself and I am drenched and purged.
Chauncey! Chauncey!
Oh, Chauncey, darling... Where have you been? We thought we'd lost you - we've been looking all over!
Hello, Mr. Gardiner. This is Sid Courtney, Washington Post.
Hello, Sid.
I'm sorry to disturb you, Mr. Gardiner, I know you must be very busy.
No. I'm not busy.
Then, I'll be brief. I covered the President's speech at the Financial Institute today, and since the Post would like to be as exact as possible, we would appreciate your comments on the meeting that took place between Mr. Rand, the President and yourself.
The President is a nice person. I enjoyed it very much.
Good, sir. And so, it seems, did the President - but we would like to have some facts; such as, uh... What exactly is the relationship between yourself and that of the First American Financial Corporation?
I think you should ask Mr. Rand that.
Of course. But since he is ill I'm taking the liberty of asking you.
I see. Then one more quick question, Mr. Gardiner; since we at the Post would like to, uh - update our profile on you - what exactly is your business?
Mr. Gardiner, I'm Morton Hull, the producer of 'This Evening.'
Of course, Mr. Gardiner, the fact that you occupy such a position in the world of finance makes you ideally suited to provide our millions of viewers with an explanation of this nation's economic crisis.
I see.
Do you realize, Mr. Gardiner, that more people will be watching you tonight than all those who have seen theater plays in the last forty years?
Yes. It's a very good show.
Can you see well?
Yes, very well, thank you.
Do you like it?
Yes. It's very tiny, but it's good.
... Are you sure you like it?
Yes, I do, it's very good.
Do you need a doctor? I could call Robert...
I don't want Robert.
I see.
You must sit with us, my friend, we have much to discuss.
I agree.
Regretfully, Mrs. Rand - I shall yield the pleasure of your company to others.
I'm sorry we haven't met sooner, Mr. Gardiner. I had the pleasure of seeing you on television last night and I listened with great interest to your down-to-earth philosophy. I'm not surprised that it was so quickly endorsed by the President. ... Tell me, Mr. Gardiner, just how serious is Benjamin's illness? I did not want to upset Mrs. Rand by discussing it in
Ben is very ill.
... Mr. Gardiner, I wish to be quite candid - considering the gravity of your economic situation, shouldn't we, the diplomats, and you, the businessman - get together more often?
Yes, I agree, I think so too.
To exchange our thoughts - what does a Russian know about business? On the other hand, what does an American know about diplomacy?
Yes, I understand.
And I have noticed in you a certain reticence regarding political issues - so why not a coming together? An interchange of opinion? We may find, my friend, that we are not so far from each other, not so far!
We are not far... ... our chairs almost touch.
Bravo! Bravo! Our chairs are indeed almost touching! And we want to remain seated on them, correct? We don't want them snatched from under us, am I right? Because if one goes, the other goes, and then - boom! Boom! And we are both down before our time, you see? And neither of us wants that, do you agree?
I certainly do.
Yes. Tell me, Mr. Gardiner - do you by any chance enjoy Krylov's fables? I ask this because there is something... there is something Krylovian about you.
Do you think so? Do you think so?
So you know your Krylov in Russian, do you? Mr. Gardiner, I must confess I had suspected as much all along - I know an educated man when I meet one!
Oh, good.
Yes, it is very good!
Yes, it is. Would you tell me your name again, please?
Ho! Ho! A dash of American humor! Vladimar Skrapinov!
Yes. I like that name very much.
Yes, Eve. That would be good.
We must speak again, Mr. Gardiner, many times!
Welcome to Rand Memorial Hospital, Mr. Gardiner.
I feel very good in here.
Sure you do. This ward is air tight, I have a little extra oxygen pumped in, keeps my spirits up.
Failure of the bone marrow to produce red blood cells... Not a damn thing they can do about it. Oh, they can make me comfortable, prolong my life with steroid therapy and transfusions... And what makes my blood boil, what little I have left, that is, Mr. Gardiner - is that it's generally a young person's disease... Here I am, getting on in years
... We're prisoners, Mr. Gardiner - we're prisoners of tubes and technology.
I agree.
... You will join us for dinner, won't you, Mr. Gardiner?
Yes. I am very hungry.
No, thank you. My house has been closed.
Oh. When you say 'Your house has been closed', you mean to say that your business was shut down?
Yes. Shut down and locked by the attorneys.
That's good, Mr. Gardiner. Or may I call you Chauncey?
Yes. Chauncey is fine.
Do we have a garden? Hah! Tomorrow, Chauncey, you will see our gardens.
A gardener! Well put, Chauncey excellent! Isn't that what a businessman is? A gardener? A person that makes flinty soil productive with the labor of his own hands, who waters it with the sweat from his own brow, and who creates a place of value for his family and community? Yes, Chauncey, what a brilliant metaphor -- yes, indeed, a productive businessman is a
Thank you, Ben. The garden that I left was such a place. Everything which grew there was with the labor of my own hands. I planted seeds and watered them and watched everything grow.
Bravo!
But I don't have that any more... ... All that's left for me now is the room upstairs.
It's a very pleasant room, Ben.
No, Ben.
Reluctant to speak, eh, Chauncey? Well, I can understand that. When a man loses everything, anger has a tendency to block out reason for a time. Just give it some thought, work with the idea, I'm sure you'll have plenty to say in a few days.
I could give it some thought, Ben, but my leg is very sore.
Chauncey, up and around this morning, are you?
Yes, Ben. My leg is not very sore.
Well, that's good news, my boy.
You're looking much better today, Ben.
Hah! It's all make-up, Chauncey... I asked nurse Teresa to fix me up, I didn't want the President to think I was going to die during our talk.
I understand.
No one likes a dying man, my boy - because few know what death is. All we know is the terror of it. But you're an exception, Chauncey - that's what I admire in you, your marvelous balance. You don't stagger back and forth between fear and hope - you're a truly peaceful man.
Yes, when I was younger I had thoughts about public office... But I found, Chauncey - that I was able to contribute more as a private citizen... of course, my wealth provided me with considerable influence, but I've tried, believe me, not to misuse that power... It's extremely important, Chauncey, when one is in a position of eminence, that he does not allow himself
I see, Ben.
I think what my most insightful friend is saying, Mr. President, is that we welcome the inevitable seasons of nature, yet we are upset by the seasons of our economy.
He's a decent fellow, the President, isn't he?
Yes, Ben - he is.
He was quite impressed with your comments, Chauncey - he hears my sort of analysis from everyone, but yours, unfortunately - seldom if ever at all.
... You know, Chauncey, there's something about you... You're direct, you grasp things quickly and you state them plainly. You don't play games with words to protect yourself. I feel I can speak to you frankly... You know what I was talking to you about last night?
No, Ben.
Oh, sure you do, the financial assistance program. I think you might be just the man to take charge of such an undertaking. I'd like you to meet with the members of the Board, we'll be able to discuss the matter at greater length at that time.
I understand.
And, please, Chauncey - don't rush your decision. I know you're not a man to act on the spur of the moment.
Thank you, Ben.
Certainly, Ben.
Senator Rowley's widow, Sophie, is hosting an evening reception tomorrow evening honoring Ambassador Skrapinov of the Soviet Union... I think it's rather obvious that Robert won't allow me to attend, so - would you go in my place, and escort Eve?
Yes. I would like to escort Eve.
... Chauncey... Chauncey...
... I'm about to surrender the Horn of Plenty for the Horn of Gabriel, my boy...
Oh, I see.
Let me feel the strength in your hand, Chauncey... Let me feel your strength... Yes, that's good... I hope, Chauncey - I hope that you'll stay with Eve... Take care of her, watch over her, she's a delicate flower, Chauncey...
A flower...
She cares for you and she needs your help, Chauncey... there's much to be looked after...
Yes. I would like to do that.
We could do it now, we can go upstairs. ... Please, it's time for us. Come upstairs.
I like to watch.
Watch? You mean just watch me? Doing it alone?
Yes. I like to watch very much.
Well, if that's what you want, then I want it too. We can go this way.
I want to tell Eve.
Tell Eve? You mean Mrs. Rand?
Yes.
Mr. Gardiner, I'm Ronald Stiegler, of Harvard Books.
Hello, Ronald.
Mr. Gardiner, my editors and I have been wondering if you'd consider writing a book for us? Something on your political philosophy. What do you say?
I can't write.
Of course, who can nowadays? I have trouble writing a post card to my children! Look, we could give you a six figure advance, provide you with the very best ghostwriter, research assistants, proof readers...
I can't read.
Of course not! No one has the time to read! One glances at things, watches television...
Yes. I like to watch.
Sure you do! No one reads!... Listen, book publishing isn't exactly a bed of roses these days...
May I help you, Mr. Gardiner?
Yes. I would like to go to Rand Memorial Hospital.
... Sir?
... Did you wish to see someone, sir?
Yes, I would like to see Ben.
Mr. Chance, I'm very pleased to meet you.
... Then you really are a gardener?
Yes.
Your appearance doesn't suggest that at all, Mr. Chance.
What about money?
Some pictures...?
Yes. Of men and women.
How about taxes, Mr. Chance, surely you must have paid taxes?
Might you have a birth certificate, Mr. Chance?
I am allowed to go to the attic and select any of the Old Man's suits. They all fit me very well. I can also take his shirts, shoes and coats.
It is quite amazing how those clothes have come back into style.
Good day, Mr. Chance.
This is terrible, sir - I hope you're not badly injured...
Can you walk? It's not broken, is it?
I don't think we should call anyone just yet, it may not even be all that serious.
I agree.
Let's have a look, do you mind?
It's starting to swell, is it painful?
Please, sir.
I've never ridden in an automobile.
I assure you, sir, David is a very careful driver. Please, won't you let us take you?
... Yes. You can take me.
... My suitcase.
Does it have a television?
No - but Mr. Rand does have one with an electric motor, that way he can get around by himself.
How long do we stay in here?
... That is a very small room.
Yes sir, I guess that's true smallest room in the house.
... Hmmm... Elevator.
... Evening, Chance.
... The Old Man is getting weaker, Chance.
I see.
... Back up those stairs - damn... That Man's needin' me more and more just before he never needs me again...
Good morning, Louise.
He's dead, Chance! The Old Man's dead!
... I see.
Must of happened durin' the night, I don't know... Lord, he wasn't breathin' and as cold as a fish. I touched him, just to see, and you believe me, Chance - that's doin' more than I get paid to do... Then I just covered him up, pulled the sheet over his head...
Yes. I've seen that done.
Then I got the hell out of that room and called the doctor and I think I woke him probably, he wasn't any too alert. He just said, 'Yeah, he's been expectin' it and said he'd send somebody over...' Lord, what a mornin'!
Dammit, Boy! Is that all you got to say? More gobbledegook? That Old Man's layin' up there dead as hell and it just don't make any difference to you!
Yes, Louise. I have seen it often. It happens to old people.
Well, ain't that the truth...
Oh, Lord, Chance - I don't know what I was expectin' from you... I'm sorry for yellin' like I did... No sir, I just don't know what I was expectin' ... ... I 'spose I'd better gather up some breakfast for you...
Yes, I'm very hungry.
Well, no more stewin' those prunes every mornin', that's somethin', I guess... ... what are you goin' to do now, Chance?
... Well, ain't you the gentleman this mornin'... ... gotta go now, Chance...
Yes.
Mr. Gardiner, how very nice to have you with us this evening.
Yes.
I'd like to thank you for filling in on such short notice for the Vice President.
You're welcome.
I always find it surprising, Mr. Gardiner, to find men like yourself, who are working so intimately with the President, yet manage to remain relatively unknown.
Yes. That is surprising.
... Well, your anonymity will be a thing of the past from now on.
I hope so.
Yes... Of course, you know, Mr. Gardiner, that I always prefer an open and frank conversation with my guests, I hope you don't object to that.
No. I don't object.
Fine, then let's get started. The current state of our country is of vital interest to us all, and I would like to know if you agree with the President's view of the economy?
Come now, Mr. Gardiner, before his speech at the Financial Institute the President consulted with you and Benjamin Rand, did he not?
Yes. I was there with Ben.
I know that, Mr. Gardiner.
Yes.
Well, let me rephrase the question; the President compared the economy of this country to a garden, and stated that after a period of decline a time of growth would naturally follow. Do you go along with this belief?
Don't we need a leader capable of guiding us through the seasons? The bad as well as the good?
Well, Mr. Gardiner, from the sound of our audience, I'd say that your words are a most welcome respite from what we've been hearing from others...
I'm sorry to say that our time is running short, but before we close, I'd like to ask one final question. What sort of gardener, sir, would you be?
Hello, Thomas... I'm Chance, the gardener.
... We're with Franklin, Jennings and Roberts, the law firm handling the estate.
... Are you waiting for someone? An appointment?
Yes. I'm waiting for my lunch.
Your lunch? You have a luncheon appointment here?
Yes. Louise will bring me lunch.
Louise?... The maid?... But she should have left earlier today...
I see...
... You've quite a sense of humor, Mr. Chance - but all kidding aside, may I ask just what you are doing here?
I live here.
You live here? ... We don't have any record of that.
Yes. It's very cold outside today, isn't it, Thomas?
... How long have you been living here?
Ever since I can remember, since I was a child.
Since you were a child?
Do you have any proof of your employment, Mr. Chance - any checks from the deceased, any contracts or documents?
No.
How were you compensated for these duties you say you performed?
Compensated...?
How were you paid?
Mr. Chance, perhaps you could show us some identification with your address -- a Driver's License, a credit card, checkbook?
No, I do not have any of those.
Then how about medical records? Could you give us the name of your doctor, or your dentist?
I have no need for a doctor or dentist. I have never been ill. I have never been allowed outside of this house, and, except for Joe, I have never had any visitors.
... Joe? Who's Joe?
Joe Saracini. He was a mason that did some repairs on the brickwork at the rear of the house. That was in 1952.
1952...?
Mr. Chance, that was twenty-seven years ago.
Yes and the Old Man used to come to my garden. He would read and rest there.
Come now, Mr. Jennings had been bedridden for thirty-five years, since he fractured his spine.
Yes, Thomas, that is correct. Then he stopped visiting my garden.
... We shall need some proof of your having resided here, Mr. Chance.
Have you served in the Army?
Those trees were very young when I first arrived.
Are you related to the deceased, Mr. Chance?
... Do you drive this, Mr. Chance?
The Old Man gave me nice television sets, this one has remote control. He has one just like it.
Mr. Chance, the fact remains that we have no information of your having any connection with the deceased.
What are your plans now, Mr. Chance?
Mr. Chance, assuming what you say is the truth, I would like to know what sort of claim you are planning to make against the deceased's estate.
I'm fine, Thomas. The garden is a healthy one. There is no need for a claim.
No, Thomas. I don't know how to sign.
Come now, Mr. Chance.
I have no claim, Thomas.
But you won't sign, correct?
Correct.
Very well, Mr. Chance - if you insist on dragging this matter on... But I must inform you this house will be closed tomorrow at noon. If indeed, you do reside here, you will have to move out.
Move out? I don't understand, Thomas.
Good morning, Mr. President.
You look much taller on television, Mr. President.
Well, Mr. Gardiner, that's just fine with me - I'm a man that appreciates a frank discussion... Be seated, please, Mr. Gardiner...
Yes, I will.
Do you agree with Ben, Mr. Gardiner? Are we finished? Or do you think we can stimulate growth through temporary incentives?
As long as the roots are not severed, all is well and all will be well in the garden.
... In the garden?
That is correct. In a garden, growth has its season. There is spring and summer, but there is also fall and winter. And then spring and summer again...
Yes. It has.
... You will honor me and my family with a visit, won't you?
Yes. I will.
... Gardiner is laconic, matter-of fact. The scuttlebutt is that he's a strong candidate for one of the vacant seats on the board of First American. But before we can do any sort of a piece on the man, we're going to need facts on his background... ... Kinney, what did you come up with?
... Nothing.
... Skip the levity, Kinney - what have you got?
... Sid, be reasonable - I've been everywhere, there's no place left to check!
Try again.
Sure, try again - where? There's nothing, it's like he never existed!
Try again.
Sid, it's useless!
Oh, Ben - I miss you so when I'm out... How are you feeling?
Tired... And I'm getting tired of being so tired. Other than that, I'm doing very well.
No headaches?
No, it's been a good day - better than yours, from what I've been told.
You heard?
I may be a shut-in, but I do not lack for news. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Oh, it wasn't all that bad, darling. We were fortunate that Mr. Gardiner turned out to be so reasonable.
Reasonable? Good, I'd like to meet a reasonable man. Why don't you ask this Gardiner to join us for dinner?
Do you feel well enough for that?
Oh. I'm very sorry. Well, if you have any need for any of our facilities, please do not hesitate to ask.
I'm becoming quite attached to Chauncey - quite attached... ... And so are you, aren't you, Eve.
... Yes, I am, Ben.
... Ben, really...
Good evening, Mrs. Rand.
Good evening, Wilson.
I shall take the gentleman to the third floor guest suite, ma'am. Dr. Allenby is standing by.
Thank you, Greta. I'll be with Mr. Rand if I'm needed.
Yes, ma'am.
Eve, child! How nice of you to come.
And look who you brought with!
Sophie, this is Chauncey Gardiner...
Oh, I've been just dying to meet you, Mr. Gardiner!
Come on, Eve. Let's let the men talk, there are so many people that have been asking about you.
... How are the kids getting along?
Oh. Well, I just talked to Cindy this morning. She loves California, but to quote her, she says, 'The Secret Service is getting to be a drag.' I guess she wants her privacy...
Huh... I'm glad they're along with her, if you know what I mean... How about Jack?
Well, I think Jack needs some time alone with you, darling... He's getting to that age, you know... He really misses you...
... Maybe you should talk to somebody, darling.
No, that won't do any good.
... Is it me? Is there something I've done?
Oh, no, sweetheart - it's not you...
It's your damn job. It never happened when you were a senator...
I can certainly understand that...
... This is another world, Tom - I never would have believed it...
Yeah... He and my father used to ride together back in the thirties... Fox hunting... Before I was born...
... Would you take me on a tour?
... What do you make of all this?
I really don't know, Tom - he seems so honest and simple... In a way, he's quite charming...
... Yeah...
... It's very bizarre - I don't know what to think...
It's that gardener!
Yes, Chauncey Gardiner.
No! He's a real gardener!
... Business, bullshit! Going out in the middle of the night to meet that bitch in a bar...
Sally Hayes is not a bitch - she's a damn fine attorney! I've got to talk to her about this Gardiner...
Good night.
Look, Johanna...
Yes? What have you found?
We have nothing on him, Ambassador Skrapinov.
Quietly, please. Mr. Gardiner, for one, understands our language.
Sorry, Comrade Ambassador.
What do you mean there is nothing? That's impossible.
But... Where was this man Gardiner before last week?
Apparently the White House shares our curiosity - they have also launched an investigation, and, according to our sources, neither the F.B.I. nor the C.I.A. has met with success.
I see. Clearly, such interest on their part is of great political significance.
Clearly, yes comrade.
Hmmm... Take this down. I want this quote included in the Tass coverage; 'Chauncey Gardiner, in an intimate discussion with Ambassador Skrapinov, noted that "Unless the leaders of the opposing political systems move the chairs on which they sit closer to each other, all of their seats will be pulled from under them by rapid social and political changes."'
Kaufman, I'm going to need information on Mr. Chauncey Gardiner's background.
Gardiner, yes, sir.
And put it through on a Code Red - I want it as soon as possible.
... Gentlemen, I quoted this man on national television today he is obviously a financial sophisticate of some reknown.
Yes, sir - we are aware of all that, but still, we haven't been able to...
He's an advisor and close personal friend of Rand's! For Christ sakes, they have volumes of data on Benjamin!
Yes, Mr. President, we attempted to contact Mr. Rand, but he was too ill to...
I do not want Benjamin Rand disturbed! You have other ways of gathering information than to trouble a dying man. Use whatever agencies are necessary to put together a detailed history of Chauncey Gardiner, if you run into problems, alert Honeycutt. I'll be in the office at seven in the morning and I would like to have it at that time. I've got to
This is not what I requested.
No, sir.
This information goes back three days. I want the standard file, you know that.
Right, Chief.
So...? Where the hell is it?
We... uh, have been unable to come up with any information before the man appeared at Mr. Rand's home ... and, uh...
What the hell are you talking about, Kaufman?
Well, we do have data from Honeycutt's sources, Chief - but it isn't pertinent.
I'd like to hear that data, Kaufman.
... So what does all that add up to?
Well, sir - it occurred to us that he might be an agent of a foreign power. But, we ruled that out, as they invariably are provided with too much documentation, too much American identity... We, uh...don't quite know what to make of it yet, sir... But we'll keep on top of it, Mr. President - we'll come up with the answer.
Sorry to disturb you, chief but we have new developments.
Oh? What?
We have word that the Soviets have put out a top priority alert for information on Gardiner's background. So far, they haven't come up with a thing - what's more, as a result of their eagerness, one of their ablest agents blew his cover, we have him in custody at this time.
Good. Anything else?
The rank-and-file in the FBI feel he is FBI, but others feel he is a CIA man who knows how to destroy FBI files.
That could be possible...
But we are quite certain, comrade, that this man Gardiner is a leading member of an American elitist faction planning a coup d'etat.
A coup d'etat! Of course, that was foreseen by Lenin himself!
That is correct, Comrade Skrapinov. We have ascertained that Gardiner heads a big-business power group that will soon be taking over the American government.
Big business. I could work with that faction quite nicely, Colonel Novogrod.
You have proven that already, Comrade Skrapinov, you are to be congratulated for recognizing the importance of this man and establishing an early friendship.
Thank you, Colonel.
Ben!
... Mr. President, how good to see you.
It's so good to see you too, Ben, you look terrific!
I'm not convinced of that, Mr. President, but your visit has raised my spirits...
Mr. President, I'd like you to meet my dear friend, Mr. Chauncey Gardiner.
I just wondered if you had gone over my speech, Ben.
Yes, I did.
... Well?
Overall - pretty good. But, Mr. President, I think it's very dangerous to resort to temporary measures at this stage of the game.
Well, Ben... I...
I sympathize with your position, Mr. President, I know how difficult it is to be straightforward, the reaction to such a speech could be chaos.
... There is no longer any margin for inflation, it has gone as far as it can, you've reached your limits on taxation, dependence on foreign energy has reached a crisis, and, from where I see it, Mr. President, the Free Enterprise System has reached the breaking point. We are on the brink of another crash from which recovery might not be possible.
It's that serious, huh?
No, she flew up to Boston for another charity event. She'll be sorry to have missed you.
I'm sorry, too. Well, Nancy wanted me to send along her best to the two of you - and, Ben, I want to thank you for your time and thoughts.
Nonsense, Mr. President - I thank you for coming to spend time with a dying man.
You're right, Mr. President I don't like feeling sorry for myself.
Take care of yourself, Ben.
You take care too, Bobby.
John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.
I'll get right to the point, Larry. I'm a puppet now...
Okay.
I'm being controlled by the world's greatest puppeteer, Craig Schwartz...
Oh yeah, he's good.
Say, aren't you that actor guy?
Yeah.
Malkovich.
Thank you.
The one where you're that jewel thief.
I never played a jewel thief.
Who am I thinking of?
I don't know.
I'm pretty sure it was you. Hey, could I get your autograph now? It's for .... oh, what the hell, it's for me! I'm your biggest fan!
Hello, I'm here about the ad.
When you say, I can be somebody else, what do you mean exactly?
Exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body for fifteen minutes.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thousand times, thank you!
Tell your friends.
Morning.
Gotta run. Shipment of grub worms coming in first thing.
Enjoy.
Craig, listen, honey, I've been thinking... maybe you'd feel better if you got, you know, a job or something.
We've been over this. Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
Well, you know, maybe something else until this whole puppet thing turns around.
The Great Mantini doesn't need a day job.
Craig, everyone can't be Derek Mantini. Well, grub worms are waiting. Do me a favor?
What?
Would you check in on Elijah? He seems to be a little under the weather this morning.
Which one is Elijah again?
The monkey.
Is the trial date set?
Why'd you do it, Craig?
Why, Craig. why?
Isn't that cute? I just taught her that.
Adorable. What time are they supposed to be here?
Seven-ish
We have to make it an early night.
They'll understand. Besides I've got a morning appointment tomorrow with Elijah's shrink. We're getting to the bottom of this acid stomach.
Hmmm.
Some sort of childhood trauma, she thinks. Possible feelings of inadequacy as a chimp. Interesting, huh?
Yeah, just an idea I had.
She's very beautiful.
Hi.
Hi.
Did you eat?
Nah. I'm not hungry. I'm sorry I didn't call. It was just, you know, hard to get away.
I was worried.
I'm sorry. How was your evening?
Tom-Tom's puncture wound is infected.
The ferret?
The iguana.
Right.
I dressed the wound. Then I've just been feeding everyone, putting everyone to bed.
Yeah. You want a beer?
No thanks. I'm going to turn in.
All right. I'll be in my workshop for a little while. I'll be in in a little while. I need to unwind a little. I'll be in soon. A little while.
Don't be ridiculous. There is no such thing as a portal into someone else's brain.
Brain. soul, I'm telling you, Lotte. I was right inside him looking out. We're going to be rich.
I want to try.
What?
I want to be John Malkovich. Tomorrow morning. Plus I'd like to meet this partner of yours.
Well, you know we're going to be very busy tomorrow. I'll tell you what. Let's do it tonight. Right now.
Now?
I'll meet you on the turnpike.
I have to go back.
Okay. Maybe tomorrow.
I have to go back now.
I have to go back, Craig. Being inside did something to me. All of a sudden everything made sense. I knew who I was.
You weren't you. You were John Malkovich.
I was, wasn't I? I was John fucking Malkovich! Take me back, Craig.
Lotte! Why aren't you at the pet shop?
Why aren't you at work?
I've been going over and over my experience last night. It was amazing. I've decided I'm a transsexual. Isn't that the craziest thing?
What, are you nuts? That's Oprah talking.
Everything felt right for the first time. I need to go back to make sure, then if the feeling is still there. I'm going to speak to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
How was it?
I have to go back tonight. At eight Exactly.
Why?
So how was it? What was he doing?
Oh, you know, not a lot. Just hanging around his apartment. I think he must be a lonely man.
You see, men can feel unfulfilled, too. I'm glad you're realizing that. You shouldn't be so quick to assume that switching bodies would be the answer to all your problems.
You're right. You know I was thinking that we should have Maxine over for dinner. Since you two are partners and all. It might be a nice gesture.
I don't know. There's some tension between us. I'd hate to expose you to that.
Did you know that Eskimos have not one, but fifty words for snow. It's because they have so much of it.
What are you doing?
I'm moving. Remember? What's with the hooded cloak?
Nothing. Don't go, Craig. I've been thinking. Let's try to work this out. We've got so much history.
You should feed your animals. They're looking peaked.
I'm getting rid of the fucking animals.
What?
I'm getting rid of the animals. I've lost interest. Besides, they're standing between you and me.
No they're not.
You've always hated the animals.
You've always loved the animals.
I'm giving them up. I've changed. I've found a new focus.
What's that?
What about Maxine?
Fuck Maxine.
You were him last night, weren't you?
Yes.
And he was with her.
We love her, Craig. I'm sorry.
We?
Me and John.
Don't forget me.
I'm sorry. That was nasty.
Life is confusing, isn't it?
Sometimes we're forced to make hard decisions. I'd like for us to stay together, Craig. You know, platonically, if that's possible. I truly value our friendship.
I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head?
Yeah, well welcome to the nineties.
Suck my dick!
Tell her you need to see her.
Tell her, what the hell, close early today, live dangerously.
It was lovely being you being Malkovich, my dear. I'd never seen the passionate side of sweet Maxine before, or her actual tits for that matter. If only, I've been thinking to myself, if only I could actually feel what Malkovich feels, rather than just see what he sees... And then, dare I say it, if only I could control his arms, his legs,
It'll never happen, fuckface.
Ah, but you're forgetting one thing, Lambchop.
What's that?
Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head.
Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine.
You fell in love with her first.
Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage.
You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway.
That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart.
Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before.
Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole.
I need a shower.
I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster."
You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man.
My God!
I'm so glad you're safe. You look really wonderful.
I'm in love. For the first time. It's funny, but when it happens to you, there's no question.
He's a lucky man. Do I know him?
It's Elijah.
The iguana?
The monkey.
Oh, right. As long as you're happy. I'm sure he's a better lover than I ever was.
A better friend.
I'm sorry for everything.
It's okay, Craig. It all worked out, in an odd sort of way.
You came up here looking for the portal?
Yeah. I was going to kill him from the inside.
And yourself too in the process. God, you're so beautiful. Why couldn't I see that before?
You saw it once. Now you see it again. That's life, isn't it? And you were up here to try the same thing, weren't you?
I suppose. But they got here first, the lousy bastards. So now it's all over, I guess.
I don't know. There's a small community of us. We have a place they don't know about. We're happy. We'll keep trying to figure out a way. Come stay with us. Join the struggle.
You'll have me, after all I've done to you?
People make mistakes.
I'm through with puppets, Lotte. I just want you to know that.
I know.
I'd like to be a farmer. I want to help things grow, to encourage life. Do you and your friends need a farmer?
Maxine...
Holy shit, yes!
Holy shit, yes!
Holy shit! He said what I said!
Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig Schwartz. I can explain. We operate a little business her that... simulates, for our clientele, the experience of... being you, actually.
Simulates?